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Louis C. K. intentó que me despidieran
en mi primer año.
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00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
Esta es la historia.
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00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Es 2014 o 2015, y es el último episodio
de Saturday Night Live.
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00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
Yo estaba sorprendido y contento
de que no me despidieran,
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00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
y es una sensación
que puedo revivir cada semana.
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00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
Es genial.
Aún no me lo creo. Es muy divertido.
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Estaba celebrándolo.
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00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
Louis C. K. era el invitado,
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00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
y por aquel entonces,
era un cómico muy respetado.
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00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Entonces lo era. Sí.
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00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Entonces, era alguien a quien admiraba
y cuya aprobación quería,
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00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
entonces.
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00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Entonces,
era alguien a quien quería caerle bien.
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00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
En fin, era el invitado,
y yo estaba encantado,
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así que me fumé un porro
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en mi camerino,
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y cuando salí para entrar al ascensor,
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Louis C. K. estaba ahí, rodeado,
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hablando
con un grupo de actores y guionistas
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y gente guay, y todos estaban muy metidos
en su conversación,
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y me dije: "No quiero participar".
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Estaba colocado.
No quería fastidiar a nadie.
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No quiero que ese tío sepa que existo,
¿sabéis?
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00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Me puse la sudadera y la cerré del todo,
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y di un rodeo
hasta el otro lado de los ascensores
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para poder no estar en medio.
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Así que aprieto el botón y espero ahí,
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y, de repente, Louis C. K. deja de hablar.
Levanta la vista, me señala y dice:
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"¡Mirad qué colocado está el idiota
de Pete!
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Se coloca en el curro. Estúpido cabrón.
Echarás a perder tu carrera. Idiota".
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00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Y yo iba tan colocado que pensé:
"Esto no ha pasado.
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No".
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Este es un problema mío.
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Probablemente dijo:
"Hasta mañana, campeón".
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Al día siguiente voy a trabajar.
Me llaman del despacho de Lorne Michaels.
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Me asusto, porque llevo un año allí,
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y no he tenido noticias de su despacho
hasta hoy.
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Pensé: "Mierda".
Así que contesté al teléfono y me dijeron:
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"Louis acaba de salir del despacho
de Lorne. Ha venido a hablar de ti,
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y ahora Lorne quiere hablar contigo".
Y yo: "Joder. Vale".
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Seguro que me iban a despedir.
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Eso pensaba, así que me iba convenciendo.
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Pensando: "Que les den.
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Ellos son los idiotas. Te contrataron
y te despidieron. Dos errores".
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¿Sabéis? Joder, sí.
Podría colarse por detrás
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y nadie se daría cuenta.
¿A quién le importa?
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Iba hacia su despacho,
intentando sentirme mejor.
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Abrí la puerta y Lorne estaba ahí, ¿vale?
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00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Y parece muy confundido,
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00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
como yo, pero eso es porque yo soy así.
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00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Siempre estoy
como intentando hacer divisiones.
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En fin, se le ve confuso.
Y dice: "Siéntate".
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Me siento y dice: "Bueno...
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00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
...Louis ha venido y me ha dicho
que fumas hierba".
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Y yo dije: "Sí.
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Los rumores que has oído llevan verdad".
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Y vi en sus ojos que se desanimaba,
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como si no supiera qué decir.
Sus ojos decían:
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"Siento que tengamos esta charla,
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pero Louis me ha dicho
que hablara contigo,
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y, personalmente,
no creo que importe,
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porque antes se esnifaba coca,
y eres una nenaza.
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Siento que tengamos esta conversación".
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Lo leí en sus ojos, y con los míos,
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le dije: "Vale, colega". Así que...
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00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Fue un poco incómodo durante otro segundo,
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y luego dijo: "Sí, supongo que lo
que podrías hacer es, supongo,
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como dijo que fumabas mucha hierba,
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00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
podrías vigilar la cantidad de maría
que fumas".
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"Vale, la vigilaré.
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Nunca la perderé de vista.
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00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Sin problema. Soy un hombre de palabra".
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Y me dijo:
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"Siento tener esta conversación contigo,
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00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,989
pero Louis me ha dicho
que estás echando a perder tu carrera
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y que fumaste tanto en la oficina
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que le hizo sentir incómodo".
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Dije: "Joder. ¿En serio?".
Y él dijo: "Sí".
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00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
Así que pregunté: "¿Estoy despedido?".
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Y él dijo: "No".
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Y dije: "¿Por qué?".
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Y él dijo: "No lo sé".
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Esta es una conversación
que tenemos todos los años.
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00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:08,808
"¿Este es el año?".
"No lo sé. Aún no. Ya veremos. No lo sé".
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Y eso me dolió, tuve que irme
del despacho con eso,
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00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
sabiendo
que a Louis C. K. no le caía bien.
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00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Uno de los mejores humoristas
de la historia,
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00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
y sobre todo por aquel entonces, uno de...
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00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Me dolió, porque pensé:
"¿Para qué me dedico a esto
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si a él no le gusto?".
Quería su aprobación.
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00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
"¿A este tío no le caigo bien
porque fumo maría?".
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00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Eso es una mierda,
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00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
y tuve que vivir con eso
durante cinco años, ¿sabéis?
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00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Y entonces, una gloriosa mañana...
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Me desperté,
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y leí que Louis C. K. se masturbaba
delante de las mujeres,
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y pensé: "¡Sí!".
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00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Yo... Ya me entendéis.
No quería que pasara, pero si tenía
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00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
que ser alguien,
me alegro de que fuera él. ¿Tiene sentido?
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Vale.
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00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
No, es solo que...
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Os diré lo raro
que es masturbarse a solas, ¿vale?
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00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Sí, quedaos en la sala conmigo, ¿vale?
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00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
¿Os parece bien?
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Bueno, ya sabéis,
masturbarse a solas es cuando...
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Te masturbas, y está tardando mucho,
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y no consigues correrte,
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y piensas: "Eres un puto perdedor.
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No te satisfaces ni a ti.
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¿Qué te hace pensar
que a otra persona sí?".
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¿Y eso de verte en el espejo?
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A mí me ha pasado, porque soy estúpido.
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Nunca más,
porque ahora me masturbo a oscuras.
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00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Sí, así es.
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00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Móvil boca abajo,
por si recibes un mensaje
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que se refleje en el espejo
y te ves en el rincón masturbándote.
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Mensaje de mamá.
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Masturbarte tras recibir un mensaje
de mamá es casi imposible.
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00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
No es imposible, pero casi.
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00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Me resultó muy difícil.
121
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Pero no, me fastidió enterarme de todo eso
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porque me sentí mal por las mujeres
ante las que se masturbaba.
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Es muy triste, porque les afectó mucho.
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Ojalá hubieran sabido que,
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cuando Louis se la sacaba y le daba,
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de haber sacado un canuto, habría dicho:
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"Joder, ¿eso es hierba? Joder. Salvajes.
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Me voy a chivar. Cabronas.
Sois basura. Joder.
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00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Echáis a perder vuestra carrera".
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Mi amigo, a quien mantengo económicamente,
ha tenido un hijo,
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así que soy padre.
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Sí, no estaba preparado.
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Me llamó. Estaba emocionado.
"Tío. Tengo buenas noticias".
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"¿Tienes un trabajo?".
135
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
"No. He tenido un hijo".
136
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
Y dije: "Vaya, eso es justo lo contrario
a un trabajo".
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00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Yo estoy deseando tener un hijo.
138
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
No creo que sea difícil.
No, porque todos mis amigos los tienen
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00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
y sus quejas no me molestan mucho.
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Todos se quejan de lo mismo. "Tío, llora".
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Y les digo: "Pues id a otra habitación".
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00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,723
Sí, todo llora. ¿Sabéis?
Intentas que pare y luego te vas.
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Yo lloro mucho, y acaban diciendo:
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00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,727
"Me voy a trabajar. No sé.
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00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,395
Céntrate. Desconéctate".
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00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Dicen que llora,
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y la otra queja es:
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"No para de cagar".
Y eso tampoco me molesta,
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00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
porque yo también lo hago.
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00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Así que no me importa limpiarlo
a menor escala, ¿sabéis?
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00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Además, al limpiar a los niños,
a veces ves sitios
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00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
que a ti se te han olvidado, ¿sabéis? Sí.
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00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Piensas: "Vaya, nunca he visto mi culo
desde este ángulo.
154
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Retocaré esa esquina
cuando salga de la ducha".
155
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,933
Sales de la ducha, y piensas:
"Qué cabrón".
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00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:29,777
Me encanta hacer de canguro,
porque consumo hongos, así que hablo bebé.
157
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Sí, me encanta. Hablan, ¿sabéis?
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00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
El otro día, mi sobrino me dijo: "Bla",
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00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,829
y dije: "Crímenes imperfectos. Ajá".
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00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Así que...
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00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
Los hongos molan.
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00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
Consumirlos es como estar
en una montaña rusa
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00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
que sube, pero nunca baja.
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00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Solo subes, pensando: "¡Esto es la hostia!
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00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
¡Es increíble! ¡No puedo creer
que estemos haciendo esto! ¡Dios mío!",
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00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
y así cuatro horas.
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00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
El otro día pasó algo raro
mientras hacía de canguro.
168
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Al hijo de mi amigo
le están saliendo los dientes, ¿vale?
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00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Y estábamos viendo Crímenes imperfectos,
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00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
y yo estaba ahí sentado,
y él con los dientes,
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00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
así que me agarró la mano
y empezó a chuparme los dedos,
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00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
pero bien.
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00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Como...
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00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Como que le dejé durante un segundo.
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00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Grité: "¡No! Increíble, ¡pero no!".
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00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
Ese chiste divide al público.
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00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Lo sé. No es la primera vez que lo hago.
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00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
Sé que es raro contar chistes así,
pero esto es un monólogo cómico.
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00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Sería raro
si fuera a una asamblea popular,
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00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
cogiera el micro y dijera:
"Estas son algunas de mis ideas.
181
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
Vale, estaré en el aparcamiento".
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00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,092
Las chicas deberían explicar
cómo darles un orgasmo.
183
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
La primera vez que tenéis sexo.
Antes, hay que tener una reunión.
184
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Porque cada chica es distinta,
eso me digo a mí mismo.
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00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Cada una es distinta
y una está muerta por dentro.
186
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
"No, creo que estás rota".
187
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
No, sí.
188
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Lo siento. No sé.
A veces me río de lo que digo yo mismo.
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00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Una chica debe explicar
cómo hacerla llegar.
190
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
No cuando él esté cómodo.
191
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
¿No quieres herir sus sentimientos?
No pasará.
192
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
No ocurrirá.
Si estuviéramos en mitad del sexo,
193
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
y dijeras: "Odio esto", yo diría:
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00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"¿Qué tal así? ¿Bien? Vale, olvidado".
Como si nunca hubiera ocurrido. ¿Sabéis?
195
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Deberíais decírselo.
196
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
En los tíos, todo es obvio, ¿no?
197
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Si tiras de eso, sale algo, ¿no?
198
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
Es muy fácil.
Hasta mi hijo podría hacerlo, y... Oh.
199
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Pero sé que es fácil hacer
que las chicas se corran.
200
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,256
Si sudas y te falta el aliento,
parece ser que lo has hecho mal.
201
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Mi única fuente
de información es el porno,
202
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:45,097
porque crecí con una madre y una hermana,
¿vale? Así que nunca tuvimos esa charla.
203
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Nunca hubo una cena
en la que me sintiera bastante cómodo
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00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
como para decir:
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00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
"Si no fuéramos familia...".
206
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Todo lo que sabía provenía del porno,
207
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
que tiene mucho movimiento, y gritos, y...
208
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
A veces la sacas
y haces un par de flexiones,
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00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
y luego directo a... Lo siento.
210
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Bueno, yo no lo sabía,
pero afortunadamente, una mujer me dijo
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00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
que al parecer,
hay una cosita en la vagina.
212
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
Es como una cosita circular...
¿Sabéis algo de boxeo?
213
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Se parece a la cosa esa.
214
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
La pera de boxeo.
215
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Eso a lo que los tíos le dan despacio
o muy rápido,
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00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
y al parecer, la vagina funciona igual.
¿Sabéis?
217
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Solo tienes que darle un toquecito suave
a esa cosita...
218
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
...o reventarla, por lo visto.
Esas son las dos opciones.
219
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
No necesitas cambiarte de ropa.
220
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Pero deberías decírselo al tío, ¿sabes?
221
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Como he dicho, en los tíos todo es obvio,
222
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
pero si alguien empezara
a darme puñetazos en la polla,
223
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
no pensaría:
"¡Joder! Espero que se aclare.
224
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,893
¡Ay!
225
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Es la guerra".
226
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Diría: "¿Quién te envía? ¿Qué ocurre?
227
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
¿Es un intento de asesinato?".
228
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Hay algo que a ningún tío le gusta,
pero tenemos miedo de decírselo a ella,
229
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
porque estamos a punto de follar...
230
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
No hay muchas palabras para describir eso,
231
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
así que "follar" es, bueno,
232
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
la más apropiada...
233
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Esto estará en Nickelodeon.
234
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Sí. Por eso llevo traje,
cosa que normalmente no hago.
235
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Suelo vestir
como un cazafantasmas moqueado.
236
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
Pero he encontrado un traje de señora
237
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
y ahora estoy que me salgo.
238
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Parezco una mujer divorciada
que se ha recuperado.
239
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"No vuelvas.
240
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,208
Tengo un repertorio".
241
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Pero sí,
hay algo que a ningún tío le gusta.
242
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
¿Sabéis cuando está la chica encima
antes de meterle la polla?
243
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Sé que no es la mejor manera
de describirlo, pero creedme,
244
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
he probado de otras cinco
245
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
y "meterle la polla" gana por goleada.
246
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Imaginaos lo horribles
que eran las otras cuatro.
247
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Ya es mejor.
248
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Bueno, cuando estás
a punto de partirla por la mitad...
249
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
¿Lo veis? Sí.
250
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Sí. Lo que yo decía.
251
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,207
Cuando estás encima
y vas a meterte la polla.
252
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Algunas chicas, la mayoría,
empiezan a deslizarse sobre la polla
253
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
antes de metérsela por ahí. En plan:
"Sí. ¿Te gusta?".
254
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
No. Duele muchísimo. Dejad de hacer eso,
todas las chicas, para siempre, por favor.
255
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Por favor. Métetelo sin más.
256
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Duele muchísimo.
257
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Duele, porque, te afeites o no,
258
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
ahí abajo tienes pinchos.
259
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Y empiezas a restregarlos
contra nuestra polla desnuda.
260
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Duele, joder.
261
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
"¿Te gusta?".
262
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"No.
Es como si me dieras un pellizco de monja.
263
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,664
Como el amigo de mi madre que lo hacía
cuando ella no estaba".
264
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Todos recordamos a ese amigo raro.
265
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,465
"Eh, chaval.
¿Ya te han dado un pellizco de monja?".
266
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
Decías: "No".
267
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
Parecía guay, pero al final gritabas:
"¡Pare, señor!".
268
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Sí. A ningún tío le gusta, ¿vale?
269
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
Duele mucho. Es como papel de lija.
270
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Creo que las chicas no lo saben,
271
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
porque la cara de placer
y la de dolor son muy parecidas.
272
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Las dos consisten en gemir: "Ah", y...
273
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Pero duele mucho,
274
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
y de repente, tu polla se agrieta
275
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
y se desgarra, y al día siguiente,
te despiertas:
276
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
"¿Qué coño es esto?
277
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
¿Qué es esto?
278
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
¿Tengo alguna ETS nueva que se manifiesta
a las 24 horas? Esto es de locos".
279
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Voy al médico: "Oye, tío, ¿qué es esto?".
280
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
Me dice: "Tienes que aprender a follar",
y yo: "¿Qué? ¿Qué es esto?".
281
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:47,441
Los médicos
de Staten Island son distintos.
282
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
No sé. Yo...
283
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Tengo muchos amigos gais.
284
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Me caen bien porque no creo
que exista una relación más sincera
285
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
que entre un gay y un heterosexual,
286
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
porque no hay nada que ganar,
287
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
así que es pura sinceridad,
288
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
y los gais son las personas más sinceras
del mundo,
289
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
y las más crueles, pero...
290
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Se podría decir que son sinceros,
pero de forma muy cruel.
291
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Pongo un ejemplo.
292
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Salí de casa de mi madre,
que también es mía.
293
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:30,067
Que os den. No tengo que justificarme.
Estoy muy a gusto con mi situación.
294
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
No, sí. Me encanta vivir con mi madre.
Porque vivo en el sótano.
295
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
Es un piso...
296
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
...y luego está la planta superior,
que llamamos zona común...
297
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,339
La compartimos.
298
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Tengo mi propia entrada abajo, pone:
"Entrada...
299
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
...de Pete".
300
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:03,976
Sí. Sí, lo pone. Sí. Es genial.
Tengo un suministro infinito de sugus.
301
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Reíos, pero que sepáis
que solo puede entrar la gente guay.
302
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Mamá tiene que llamar.
303
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Sí, no hay...
Nunca entra sin permiso. Llama siempre.
304
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
En fin.
305
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Las chicas con las que salgo
tienen un montón de amigos gais.
306
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Pero siempre hay un amigo gay
que no me creo que sea gay.
307
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
Las chicas se ríen.
308
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
Los chicos piensan:
"Sí, Kyle. Que le den.
309
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
Odio a ese tío.
No puedo decir nada, pero me gustaría".
310
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Os lo aclaro, es el tío
sobre el cual tu novio te pregunta:
311
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
"Oye, ¿de qué va Kyle?
312
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Ese tío siempre anda por aquí cerca".
313
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Tu novia siempre tiene la misma respuesta:
"¿Quién, Kyle?".
314
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
"Sí. ¿Qué pasa con él?
¿Qué rollo se lleva ese tío?
315
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
Ya sabes, ¿qué pasa?".
316
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
Y tu novia dice: "Oh, por favor. Es gay".
317
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
¿Sabes? Y tú dices: "¿Eso está confirmado?
318
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
¿Es de dominio público?
¿El dominio sabe que es gay?".
319
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
Y tu chica dice lo mismo:
320
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
"No, pero todos lo saben".
321
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
Y piensas: "Este tío no, ¿vale?
322
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Yo no lo sé. No.
Te tengo calado, Kyle. ¿Vale?".
323
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,518
Las fiestas de pijamas.
No te va el chocho, pero te arrimas.
324
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
Muy raro. ¿Sabéis?
325
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
Nunca me veréis abrazado
a una multa de aparcamiento o algo así.
326
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Son cosas distintas, sí,
pero a mí me vale.
327
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Es que no lo pillo.
328
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Hay un cierto tipo de gais,
329
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
los llamo los tocones...
330
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
Ahora no hay reglas para los gais.
331
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
Pueden hacer lo que quieran.
332
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Es de locos.
333
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Es genial que os empoderéis,
pero eso es mucho poder.
334
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
¡Sí! Ya sabéis, dentro de los gais,
están los tocones.
335
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Es el tío gay que se acerca a tu novia,
336
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
le aprieta las tetas, le da en el culo,
337
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
y dice: "¡Tía, estás genial!".
338
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
No me parece gracioso en absoluto.
Lo siento.
339
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Estoy a favor de la homosexualidad,
no en contra.
340
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Pero, ¿y lo mucho que me lo curro yo
para darles a las tetas?
341
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,333
¿Sabéis cuántos cumpleaños me he perdido,
cuántos amigos he perdido?
342
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
He pasado las Navidades en Ohio...
343
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:42,509
¿Y tú puedes darle en el culo
por un tecnicismo? Eso no es justo.
344
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Sí, delante de ti.
Llega, le da en el culo, se ríe.
345
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Porque puede, y ya está.
346
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Yo nunca haría eso aunque pudiera,
¿sabéis?
347
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
No le tiraría de la polla a su novio
348
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,774
y diría: "¡No es para mí, pero guay!".
349
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
¿Por qué?
350
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,243
¿Qué? Soy hetero.
351
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Hay ciertas reglas para ciertas personas,
y no lo entiendo.
352
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
No tiene sentido para mí, ¿sabéis?
353
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
No puedo discutirlo,
porque he ensayado en mi cabeza,
354
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
seguro que vosotros también,
y nunca funciona.
355
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Siempre pierdo.
356
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Me acerco a él, él le da en el culo,
le aprieta las tetas
357
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
y se ríe,
358
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
y digo: "Oye, Kyle, ¿qué coño haces?".
359
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
Y Kyle decide salir del armario ese día
360
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,614
y dice: "Oh, soy gay".
361
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Y se acabó. Ha ganado.
Ya está. Esa es toda la discusión.
362
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Ya puedes decir: "Lo siento, continúa".
363
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,417
Tócalo o reviéntalo, según creo.
364
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
Es raro, porque solo funciona...
365
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
...si el chico es gay
y la chica es hetero.
366
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
No funciona de otro modo.
367
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
No funciona si él es hetero y ella gay.
368
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:16,520
No puedo agarrarle el pecho a una lesbiana
y decir: "Tranquila. Ambos lo odiamos".
369
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:30,450
Me meto en muchos líos.
Me ha parado la poli de camino hacia aquí.
370
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
Eh, cuando os paran,
¿ponéis música de Billy Joel?
371
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Creyendo que el poli va a decir:
372
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"Permiso y... ¡Billy Joel!
¡Lárgate de aquí, tío!
373
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
No eres tan malo.
374
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Creía que irías escuchando rap
o algo así".
375
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
Es aún más incómodo si no funciona.
376
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
Te dice: "Permiso y documentación...
377
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
Quite a Bill Withers".
378
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Pero me meto en muchos líos.
379
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Me metí en un lío el año pasado
porque conté un chiste,
380
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
me burlé de cierto caballero,
381
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
un político que lleva un parche en el ojo.
Se llama Dan Crenshaw.
382
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
No creí que hiciera nada malo.
383
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Tergiversaron mis palabras
384
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
para que un hombre se hiciera famoso,
385
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
pero no...
386
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Eso es lo que pasó. Me gustaría...
387
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Porque no tengo Twitter,
388
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
así que no puedo explicarme cada vez
que pasa algo malo.
389
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Me dije: "Grabaré un especial
y se lo contaré a todos,
390
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
ya que no me dejan usar internet".
391
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,188
Seguro que si uso internet,
392
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,939
iré a la cárcel o algo así.
393
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Me reí de un tío con un parche en el ojo,
394
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
y me obligaron a disculparme,
395
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
porque había gente que amenazaba
con dispararme en la cara,
396
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
y, por desgracia, yo no cogí esa llamada.
397
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Fue mi compañera de piso...
398
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
...y no le gustó...
399
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
...y mi compañera de piso pensaba
que debería disculparme
400
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
para que no me dispararan en la cara.
401
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:19,351
Así que... Yo... Esto es lo que pasó.
Como he dicho, no participo mucho en SNL.
402
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
No sé si lo habéis visto.
403
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Seguramente no,
pero hago muy pocas cosas, ¿vale?
404
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
Así que estábamos ahí en plan:
405
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"¿Qué coño puedes hacer, tío?
406
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660
Eres de la familia
de los homenajes cómicos, ¿no?".
407
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
"Claro.
La familia de los homenajes, que existe".
408
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,627
"¿Por qué no haces uno sobre políticos
y actualidad, o algo así?".
409
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Pensé: "Bien.
Con eso aguanto seis episodios más".
410
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Dije: "Joder, claro que sí. Vale".
411
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Las reglas del homenaje son las mismas
que en una batalla de rap, ¿vale?
412
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
Te burlas de ti mismo
413
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,849
y luego te burlas de todos los demás.
414
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Tengo una hoja de papel con muchas caras,
¿vale?
415
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
Y empecé a escribir chistes.
416
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Este tío, esa tía,
417
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
y luego veo a Dan Crenshaw, ¿vale?
418
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
Y lleva un parche.
419
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
Y ya pienso:
"Este tío tiene sentido del humor". ¿No?
420
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Por el parche en el ojo.
421
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Si pierdes el ojo, hay otras tres opciones
422
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
antes del parche, ¿no?
No bromeo. En serio.
423
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Ojo de cristal,
ojo de cristal con las gafas puestas,
424
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
luego gafas de sol,
y luego parche en el ojo, ¿no?
425
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
"Este tío es divertido.
426
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Es un tío legal, consciente de sí mismo".
427
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Así que pensé:
"Vamos a escribir un chiste inofensivo,
428
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
o algo así. Y pensé:
429
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Este tío parece un sicario en una porno".
¿Verdad?
430
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Es un chiste inofensivo
de Saturday Night Live.
431
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,323
"Ja, ja. Siguiente parada, por favor".
432
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
Era yo en un taxi.
433
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Ahí es donde se ve.
434
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Cortaremos esto. Córtalo ya.
435
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
No hay problema. Córtalo.
Esto nunca ha pasado.
436
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Volvamos al sexo. Esto no ha pasado.
437
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
Siempre quise decir:
438
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
enhorabuena por el sexo.
439
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Gracias por volver a darle al play.
440
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Lo siento.
441
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
Siempre quise
que pasara eso viendo algo de Netflix.
442
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Hola, tío, ¿cómo ha ido? ¿Bien?
443
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
¿Tan bien como esperabas? Ojalá.
444
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
Qué bien haberlo parado en lo de Crenshaw,
445
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
puto cabrón.
446
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
¡Qué divertido! Perdón.
447
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Yo no... No pasa nada.
448
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Así que escribí un chistecito, en plan:
449
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"Parece un sicario en una película porno".
450
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Ni lo pensé, ¿vale?
451
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Y de pronto,
452
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,948
justo antes de salir a hacer la sección,
453
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:24,411
un amigo que me ayudó a escribirlo dice:
"Eh, tío, acabo de investigar".
454
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
"¿Acabas de investigar ahora?". "Sí".
455
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Allí esperan hasta el último minuto.
456
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
Y dice: "¿Ese tío, Dan Crenshaw?
457
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Creo que perdió el ojo en una guerra
o algo así".
458
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
"¿Qué?" Y oí: "Pete, sal al escenario".
459
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,969
"¡Joder!". Y él dijo:
460
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:43,221
"Saldrá genial. Tranquilo, irá bien.
461
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
Es tu cara, no la mía. Irá genial".
462
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Salgo e intento prestar atención. Es duro,
463
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
porque siempre acabo de consumir hongos.
464
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Pero estar atento es lo primero
de la lista.
465
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Atento no, solo atento de repente.
466
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
En plan: "¡Eh!", y tú: "¡Oh!".
467
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Gracias a los 12 que lo entendéis.
468
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Un chiste raro.
469
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Como he dicho, Netflix los va regalando.
470
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
¿Habéis follado otra vez?
Es alucinante, tío.
471
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Gracias de nuevo por volver.
472
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Te lo agradezco.
473
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Habrá estado bien, tío. Fijo que sí.
474
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
¿Pero durante lo de Crenshaw?
475
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
Joder...
476
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,823
Disfruto porque también es la primera vez
que lo oigo.
477
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
Así que salgo al escenario, ¿vale?
478
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
Sé que quizá perdió el ojo en la guerra,
479
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
así que tengo que prestar atención a eso,
¿no?
480
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Tengo que disculparme después del chiste.
481
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Adelantarme, ¿vale?
482
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Así que salgo y lo hago. Me disculpo.
483
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
Recuerdo cómo fue.
484
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Recuerdo lo que dije. Nunca lo olvidaré.
485
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Dije: "Dan Crenshaw.
Parece un sicario en una porno, ¿no?".
486
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Esperé a la risa mediocre.
487
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Y justo después dije:
488
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Lo siento. Sé que perdió el ojo
en una guerra o algo así".
489
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:24,030
Dije: "O algo así", y la gente dijo:
"¡Tú odias América!".
490
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
"No. Es que no quería equivocarme
sobre cómo perdió el ojo".
491
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,622
¿Es un crimen, joder?
Pudo perderlo en la guerra o algo así.
492
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
No sé cómo lo perdió. Quizá en Afganistán.
493
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,669
O haciéndose un sándwich. Ni puta idea.
494
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Siento no tener los putos cromos
de Dan Crenshaw
495
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
con todas sus estadísticas e información.
496
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Culpa mía. Es una expresión.
497
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Intentaba prestar atención. ¿Sabéis?
498
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,183
El general Patton,
un gran héroe de EE. UU.,
499
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
murió en Alemania después de la guerra,
en un accidente de coche.
500
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Pero cuando hablamos
del general Patton, decimos
501
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
que murió en la guerra o algo así,
¿sabéis?
502
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Es más fácil que decir:
503
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"Bueno, ganó la guerra,
y luego dio un volantazo y...". Sí.
504
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Es una expresión.
No quiere decir que odie a América.
505
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Lo único que no me gusta es que me digan:
506
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:22,213
"Es culpa tuya que ganase". No es cierto.
La mayoría de los votos ya estaban,
507
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
y ese tipo es un republicano
con un parche en Texas,
508
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
así que estaba cantado antes de empezar.
509
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Podría habéroslo dicho.
510
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
En Texas, creo que solo tienen fotos.
511
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
Votan así.
512
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
¿Sabéis?
No hice que ganara ese tío, ¿vale?
513
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
Es culpa de Estados Unidos.
514
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,365
Igual que esto.
515
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Sí. No hice nada por él.
516
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
Lo único de lo que soy culpable
517
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
y por lo que me disculpo,
es de hacerle famoso,
518
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
darlo a conocer sin motivo.
519
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Hice lo que Ariana Grande
hizo por mí, ¿no?
520
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Eso. Sí.
521
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Le chupé la polla en SNL.
522
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
No iba a hacer chistes sobre esto,
pero mi amigo me dijo:
523
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Me he enterado de que Ariana ha dicho
que no tenía ni idea de quién eras,
524
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
y que solo salió contigo
como distracción".
525
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Conque creo que se ha abierto la veda.
526
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Así que...
527
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
No aplaudáis.
528
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
Esto no es una batalla de rap.
529
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Esto no es una competición.
530
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Ella tiene sus canciones,
y esto es lo que tengo yo, ¿vale?
531
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Muy bien. Ya está, ¿vale? Así que...
532
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Decís: "Pete, no es justo
sacar los trapos sucios a relucir.
533
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:51,302
¿Cómo puedes hacerlo? ¿Dónde lo dijo?
¿A sus amigos, en su propia casa?".
534
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
No, en la portada de la revista Vogue.
535
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
¿Os imagináis que hiciera yo eso?
536
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Mi carrera acabaría mañana.
537
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Si me pintara de marrón
538
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
y saliera en la portada de Vogue
539
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
y empezara a cagarme en mi ex,
¿os imagináis la...?
540
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:18,329
No aplaudáis. Eso es para la batalla
de rap. No me gusta. Me gustan las risas.
541
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,455
Solo son chistes.
542
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
¿Os imagináis que lo hiciera?
543
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,293
"Me la tiraba porque me aburría,
544
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
pero salió Fortnite". Sería una locura.
545
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,635
Decís: "Pete, debió de pasarle algo, ¿no?
546
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,554
Habría repercusiones, ¿no?".
547
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
No.
Ella fue la "Mujer del año" de Billboard
548
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
y a mí me nombró "Ojos de culo" un blog
de deportes.
549
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
A veces la vida es injusta.
550
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
De nuevo, son chistes.
No quiero problemas, ¿vale?
551
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Mi mayor miedo es
que me dispare en la nuca
552
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
una cría de nueve años con coleta,
553
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
y lo último que oiré será:
"Hashtag cancelado",
554
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
y luego, ¡pam!, en toda la cabeza.
555
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Repito, no quiero problemas
con los niños de nueve años.
556
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
No,
la tal Ariana es una mujer muy poderosa.
557
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Es una mujer muy poderosa y muy lista.
558
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Debe de serlo,
porque ya no puedo ni ir al Starbucks.
559
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
El otro día entré en uno,
560
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
pedí un café grande, y el tío me hizo...
561
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Y yo: "Que te jodan. Voy a por donuts".
562
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
¿Por qué ya no quedan?
No encuentro ninguno".
563
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Mucha gente me pregunta cómo fue.
564
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
Como cualquier ruptura,
excepto que todo el mundo la ve.
565
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Sí, es que no sabía en qué me...
566
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Sabía en qué me metía,
pero no sabía lo de las fotos.
567
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
De saberlo, habría ido al dermatólogo
antes de empezar.
568
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Habría tomado las debidas precauciones,
pero no lo hice...
569
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
Es una ruptura normal.
Estás con tus amigos y te mienten.
570
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
"No hay problema, tío.
Nadie sabe quién es.
571
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Todo bien, tío. Estás mejor sin ella".
Cosas así.
572
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:31,045
Y luego salió esa canción,
y me dijeron: "Tío, te quiero, ¿vale?
573
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
Pero es pegadiza.
574
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Los próximos ocho meses serán duros.
Lo siento.
575
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Lo siento. Me gusta la canción, lo siento.
576
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Me caes bien, pero...".
577
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Mi abuelo dijo: "Es una caña".
578
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
"Peter, es una caña. Lo siento mucho.
579
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Es una buena canción,
y yo no escucho esas cosas".
580
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
¡Lo pillo!
581
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Pero sí. Esto es lo único que no me gustó,
582
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
y es que hay una idea equivocada.
583
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
No me gusta que dijera esas cosas
en defensa de mi polla.
584
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Me pareció muy raro.
585
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
"Sí, no ha funcionado,
pero es una buena polla".
586
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Me pareció muy raro porque todos decían:
587
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
"Oh, qué buena chica".
588
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Vale, demos un paso atrás.
¿Os imagináis que dijera yo eso?
589
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
¿Que dijera: "Siento
que no haya funcionado. Pero ¡buen coño!
590
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
¡Muy húmedo!
591
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Buen coño, pero lo siento".
592
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
Es ridículo.
593
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Tuve que quedarme así.
594
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Sí. Eso es lo único.
595
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
No me gustó
porque no es verdad. Sí.
596
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Es que ella tiene las manos diminutas.
597
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Tiene las manos muy pequeñas.
598
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Todo es enorme para ella. Sí.
599
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Era un chiste cuando estábamos juntos.
600
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
"Enorme para ti, pero pequeño
para los demás. ¡Mola!".
601
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
¿Sabéis?
602
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Así que os preguntáis: "¿Por qué?
Si conoce esta información,
603
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
¿por qué decirle a todo el mundo
que tienes un pene enorme?".
604
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
¿Por qué haría eso?
Porque viéndolo desde fuera, pensáis:
605
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"Qué maja. No ha funcionado,
pero le ha hecho un cumplido.
606
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
Ha dicho que tiene un buen pene".
607
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,920
No es por eso.
608
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Lo hizo porque...
609
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Es un genio. Recordad eso.
Es una persona muy lista.
610
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Lo hizo para que todas las chicas
que me vean la polla el resto de mi vida
611
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
se decepcionen.
612
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
¡Es genial!
613
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Es una "L" de por vida.
614
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Ahí la llevas.
615
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
No disfruté de mi verano de polla grande,
o como se llame el meme.
616
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Dejad de hacer esas cosas, por favor.
Tengo una familia que lee. Parad.
617
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Mi pobre madre.
618
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Va, quedan unos chistes del 11S
y luego me largo de aquí.
619
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:22,758
¿Qué os parece? Guay. Sí. Es la única vez
que os dejo aplaudir el 11S.
620
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Mi padre murió en el 11S.
621
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Me dijeron que debía decirlo
antes de los chistes
622
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
porque algunos no lo saben,
a lo que yo dije:
623
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:39,025
"Creo que no debería decirlo,
frenará el espectáculo y será incómodo.
624
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
He ganado. Tenía razón.
625
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Si tu padre muere y trabaja
para el estado, el gobierno o algo así...
626
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
Era bombero, sea lo que sea eso.
627
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Tú... A veces,
tu familia recibe un poco de dinero.
628
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
No mucho. Un poco. Así que...
629
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,591
...recibimos un poco, y mi madre,
para animarnos a mi hermana y a mí,
630
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
quería poner una piscina con el dinero.
631
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Pensó que si nos compraba una piscina,
632
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
los niños querrían ser amigos nuestros
y vendrían a nadar.
633
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Lo cual es bastante macabro.
634
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,859
La piscina de la muerte.
635
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
Sí. Es una buena idea,
636
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
pero cada vez que te tiras
de bomba te sientes raro.
637
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Haciendo largos cada día.
"¿Estamos en paz?" No.
638
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Mi madre nos compró una piscina
a mi hermana y a mí.
639
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Yo tenía siete años cuando mi padre murió.
Los niños no entienden eso.
640
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
No saben qué pasa, ¿verdad?
641
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Tenía la piscina,
y los niños del colegio me decían:
642
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Qué suerte tienes, tío. Eres rico.
Tienes piscina". ¿Sabéis?
643
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
Yo decía: "Sí. Bien, tengo una piscina
644
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
que lleno de lágrimas cada verano.
645
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Sabes que eres rico
cuando puedes nadar en tu propia tristeza.
646
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Menos mal
que Osama bin Laden tenía despertador,
647
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
¡o yo no tendría piscina!
648
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Perdón. Por favor, volved luego".
649
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
Queda grabado, Jason, no me repliques.
650
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:29,718
En fin, tuve que rodar una cosa
sobre mi padre durante el verano.
651
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Tuve que investigar sobre mi padre,
652
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
tuve que quedar con sus amigos, ¿vale?
653
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:40,104
Mi padre y yo somos de Staten Island,
así que sus amigos son como yo.
654
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
Son basura, ¿vale?
655
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Sí. Somos personas basura. Literalmente.
656
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Se nos conoce
por tener el mayor vertedero del mundo,
657
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
que se ve desde el espacio.
658
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Eso te diría el taxista
al entrar en Staten Island.
659
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"¿Sabe?
Aquí está el mayor vertedero del mundo",
660
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:01,375
en vez de: "¡Mire, un árbol!".
661
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
Decís: "¿Qué ha pasado con el vertedero?
¿Qué han hecho con él?".
662
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
Han construido un parque.
663
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
Y decís: "Ah,
¿se han deshecho de toda la basura?".
664
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
No.
Solo han construido un puto parque encima.
665
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:24,106
Dentro de diez años, cuando se derrumbe,
los niños se clavarán Hondas del 98.
666
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Intento explicar cómo es la gente
de Staten Island.
667
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
No es un buen ejemplo.
668
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Es como si tiraras a la bañera
un paquete de tabaco Marlboro Red
669
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
y cobrase vida.
670
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Así...
671
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:48,380
Así es un tío de Staten Island, ¿sabéis?
672
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Total, que tenía que ir a ver
a sus amigos, ¿vale?
673
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Pero las historias que conocía
sobre él eran de cuando tenía siete años,
674
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
así que las historias
que me contaban eran muy distintas
675
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
a las que había oído antes.
676
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Era como si no lo conociera.
Os pongo un ejemplo.
677
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
De pequeño, sus amigos me decían:
678
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
"Tu padre era un hacha.
679
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Nos gustaba jugar al baloncesto
y hacer los deberes.
680
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Siempre limpiaba el plato.
681
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
¡Siempre lo limpiaba!
682
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
¡Límpialo!".
683
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
¿Por qué?
684
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Ya sé por qué...
685
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
...limpiar el plato
a los siete años era tan difícil.
686
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
Los adultos nos ponen la misma cantidad
que a ellos,
687
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:43,352
y somos un tercio de su tamaño.
Al comer un tercio estamos llenos,
688
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,104
y gritar: "¡Come!" no ayuda.
689
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Nos vuelve gordos.
¿Sabéis a qué me refiero?
690
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Mi madre decía:
"Hay niños hambrientos en África".
691
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Era su frase para hacerme sentir culpable.
692
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:59,368
Yo decía:
"Si ese niño se comiera un tercio de esto,
693
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
diría: 'Estoy lleno'.".
694
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Me gusta que la mitad os reís
695
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
y la otra mitad piensa:
"No sé si puedes hacer eso".
696
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,174
Miraremos en Twitter, él decidirá.
697
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,928
Es la puerta del cielo.
698
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,724
Decide el futuro de todos.
699
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Bueno, tuve que reunirme
con los amigos de mi padre.
700
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
"Contadme historias sobre mi padre",
y uno dijo:
701
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"¡Esnifábamos mucha coca!".
702
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
Y yo: "¿Qué?".
703
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
Y dijo: "Perdón.
¿No debería habértelo dicho?".
704
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
"No pasa nada. Es que no me lo esperaba.
705
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Crecí creyendo que jugaba al baloncesto,
706
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
hacía los deberes,
y limpiaba el plato, ¿sabes?
707
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Supongo que, en cierto modo,
lo tercero sí que lo hacía, pero... sí.
708
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
No estaba...". Me dijo: "Lo siento.
¿Debería protegerte?
709
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,768
¿Te estoy contando demasiado?".
710
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:10,814
"No, es solo que crecí sabiendo
que mi padre era un héroe,
711
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
pero no sabía
que fuera un puto superhéroe,
712
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
el tío más guay del mundo".
713
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Un hombre de los 90, solo se drogaba
y apagaba incendios. Una leyenda.
714
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,076
Estoy orgulloso.
715
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
Me dan ganas de sonreír.
Es increíble, ¿o no?
716
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:29,166
Imaginaos. Un incendio.
Viene un camión de bomberos. Sale uno.
717
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,127
"Voy a por la boca de riego". Sale otro.
718
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
"Voy a asegurar la zona",
y sale mi padre:
719
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"¡Vamos, joder! ¡Sin casco!".
720
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Gracias.
721
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Buenas noches. Os lo agradezco.
722
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
Gracias por venir.
723
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Gracias.
724
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
CÓMO VIVIR CON UN PENE ENORME
725
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
ENTRADAS AGOTADAS
726
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
El espectáculo ha acabado,
pero quiero contaros algo.
727
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Me apetece contároslo.
728
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Esta es la única otra historia
que he oído de mi padre, ¿vale?
729
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,582
Así que... Estaba con un tío.
730
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,751
"Cuéntame historias de mi padre".
731
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
Me dijo que esnifaba coca,
y dije: "¿Tienes otra?".
732
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
"Tengo una más".
733
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
"Vale". "Vale. Una vez...".
734
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:04,511
Él habla así.
735
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
No quiero que penséis
que me lo he inventado.
736
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Me daría vergüenza,
pero así habla el tío. "Una vez,
737
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
tu padre y yo fuimos
a una boda en los Poconos".
738
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Eso es como las Bahamas para pobres.
739
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:23,280
Vas a arreglar tu matrimonio y follar
en una bañera con forma de corazón,
740
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
y si metes una moneda en la cama, vibra.
741
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
"¡Es tan sólida como nuestra vida!".
742
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
"Estamos en los Poconos, ¿vale?
743
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Estamos en una boda, ¿vale?
744
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Estoy en la boda
y nos lo estamos pasando bien.
745
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,176
Estamos bailando. Poniéndonos ciegos.
746
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:49,515
Yo le dije: "Genial, tío". Del 87.
"Poniéndonos ciegos". Aún está orgulloso.
747
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
Y él dijo:
"Tu padre y yo estamos en la boda.
748
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Compartimos habitación en los Poconos,
749
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
y yo estoy intentando follarme
a una chica, ¿vale?".
750
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:07,908
Siempre decía: "¿Vale?", como si yo fuera
a decir: "No. Eso no es lo que pasó".
751
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Nunca había oído esa historia.
752
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
"Así que intento follármela, ¿vale?
Así que busco a tu padre.
753
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Busco por toda la boda.
'¿Dónde estás, Scott?'.".
754
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Eso hizo él. "¿Dónde estás? No te veo".
755
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Como si actuase.
756
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,889
"Así que pensé que se estaría tirando
757
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,808
a alguien, ¿vale?
758
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Así que vuelvo al hotel.
Tu padre no está por ninguna parte, ¿vale?
759
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Estoy con la chica
y empezamos a follar, ¿vale?
760
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
Y es la leche. Me la tiro
en todas las posturas, ¿vale?
761
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Aquí arriba. Luego allí,
y luego entramos en el baño".
762
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
"Tío. ¿Cuándo sale mi padre?
Porque esto suena
763
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
a una anécdota sexual muy específica
que recuerdas del 87".
764
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
"Espera. Ya viene. Solo quiero
que sepas que no soy una nenaza",
765
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
y le digo: "Sé que no lo eres".
766
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Dice: "Estamos follando, ¿vale?
767
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Ella se corre, y yo también.
768
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Ella primero, obviamente,
y luego se acabó, ¿vale?
769
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
Nos quedamos ahí tumbados, y...
de repente,
770
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
al otro lado de la habitación,
771
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
veo un cigarrillo brillando
en la oscuridad.
772
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Enciendo las luces. ¡Es tu padre!
773
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
'¡Scott! Te he estado buscando',
774
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
y dice:
'Gracias por el espectáculo gratis'.
775
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
"Ese es tu padre".
776
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
"¿No es una gran historia?".
777
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
"¡No!
778
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
No se lo irás contando a la gente, ¿no?
Es una historia horrible.
779
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
¿Esta chica está viva?
Tengo que encontrarla y sobornarla.
780
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
¿Qué coño es esta información?".
781
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Bueno, gracias por venir.
Buenas noches. Gracias.
782
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Subtítulos: Elena Fuertes Martínez
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,426
Louis C.K. yritti hankkia minulle
potkut ekana SNL-vuonnani,
2
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:10,760
ja nyt kerron siitä.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Oli Saturday Night Liven
kauden viimeinen jakso 2014 tai 2015.
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
Olin ihmeissäni ja onnellinen,
kun en ollut saanut potkuja,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
ja sama tunne toistui viikosta toiseen.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,696
Se oli mahtavaa ja edelleen vaikea uskoa.
Hulvaton juttu.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Minä sitten juhlistin sitä.
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,242
Louis C.K. oli illan isäntä.
9
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:37,829
Siihen aikaan
Louis C.K. oli arvostettu koomikko.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Siis siihen aikaan.
11
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:46,087
Siihen aikaan häntä kunnioitettiin
ja häneltä haluttiin hyväksyntää.
12
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,005
Siihen aikaan.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Siihen aikaan sitä toivoi,
että hän tykkäisi.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Hän siis isännöi,
ja minä olin innoissani.
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:01,269
Poltin sitten yhden sätkän
pukuhuoneessani.
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
Kun lähdin ja olin menossa hisseille,
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
Louis C.K. oli siellä ihailevien -
18
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
näyttelijöiden
ja käsikirjoitajien keskellä.
19
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
Kaikki olivat cooleja tyyppejä,
ja he juttelivat keskittyneesti.
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
En halunnut sekaantua siihen.
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Olin pilvessä enkä halunnut
pilata tilannetta.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
En halunnut, että Louis C.K. huomaa minut.
23
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Vedin hupun päähän ja nauhat tiukalle -
24
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
ja kiersin hissien toiselle puolelle,
25
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
niin etten häiritsisi yhtään.
26
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Painoin nappia ja odottelin hissiä.
27
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
Yhtäkkiä Louis C.K. keskeytti puheensa -
28
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
ja osoitti minua:
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
"Katsokaa miten pilvessä Pete on!"
30
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,605
"Vetää pilveä töissä! Helvetin idiootti!"
31
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:47,649
"Tuhoat urasi ruoholla. Ääliö!"
32
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Minä olin niin pilvessä,
että luulin kuvitelleeni sen.
33
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
"Tuo ei ole totta."
34
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
"Ehei."
35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
"Tämä johtuu nyt minusta."
36
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,082
"Hän sanoi varmaan:
Huomiseen, kamu!"
37
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Seuraavana päivänä Lorne Michaelsin
toimistolta soitettiin minulle töihin.
38
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:13,758
Pelästyin, koska olin ollut
hänen leivissään vuoden,
39
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
enkä ollut tätä ennen
kuullut miehestä pihaustakaan.
40
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Siksi säikähdin.
Vastasin puhelimeen, ja sieltä sanottiin:
41
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"Louis lähti Lornen luota.
Hän kävi puhumassa sinusta,
42
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:29,399
ja nyt Lorne haluaa puhua sinulle."
43
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:33,903
Ja minä ajattelin:
"Voi paska, potkut tulee."
44
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:38,324
Ajattelin niin ja yritin kerätä asennetta.
45
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,618
"No hehän tässä hölmöiltä näyttävät."
46
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,913
Ensin palkkasivat ja sitten erottivat.
Kaksi tyhmyyttä.
47
00:02:44,122 --> 00:02:46,499
Voin hiipiä taustalle hengaamaan -
48
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
eikä kukaan edes huomaa tai välitä.
49
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Menin sitten tuottajan luokse
ja yritin pysyä hyvällä mielellä.
50
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
Avasin oven,
ja Lorne istuskeli huoneessaan.
51
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Hän näytti tosi hämmentyneeltä.
52
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
Niin minäkin,
mutta minä näytän siltä aina.
53
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Näytän siltä, että miettisin jakolaskua.
54
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:18,281
Lorne siis näytti hämmentyneeltä.
Hän käski minut istumaan.
55
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,034
Sitten hän sanoi: "No niin."
56
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
"Louis kävi kertomassa,
että sinä poltat pilveä."
57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Minä sanoin: "Kyllä."
58
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
"Kuulemasi huhut ovat totta."
59
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,556
Hänellä oli katseessaan lannistunut ilme.
60
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,434
Hän ei tiennyt, mitä sanoa.
Katse kertoi:
61
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Pahoittelen tätä keskustelua,
62
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,898
mutta Louis kanteli sinusta
ja käski puhua kanssasi."
63
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,691
"Minusta tämä on pikkujuttu,
64
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:57,612
koska täällä on vedetty kokaiiniakin,
ja sinä olet pelkkä nössö."
65
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
"Pahoittelut siis tästä keskustelusta."
66
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
Vastasin siihen omalla katseellani:
67
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
"Selvä se."
68
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Seurasi hetken kiusallinen hiljaisuus.
69
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,712
Sitten Lorne sanoi:
"Joten ehkä sinä sitten voisit tehdä niin,
70
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
kun hän sanoi,
että poltat paljon pilveä,
71
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
että ehkä voisit seurata
polttamasi pilven määrää."
72
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
"Okei, voin minä seurata."
73
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
"Seuraan sitä herkeämättä."
74
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
"Ei huolta, minuun voi luottaa."
75
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:37,318
Hän sanoi: "Pahoittelut vielä,
että joudumme puhumaan tästä."
76
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:41,197
"Mutta Louis oli siltä mieltä,
että tuhoat urasi pössytelemällä."
77
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,283
"Ja poltit töissä niin paljon,
78
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
että hän tunsi olonsa epämukavaksi."
79
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
"Voi hitto, ei kai?" minä sanoin.
Hän vastasi: "Jep."
80
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
Minä kysyin: "Saanko nyt potkut?"
81
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
"Et!"
82
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
"Miksen?"
83
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
"En minä tiedä."
84
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Sama keskustelu käydään yhä
kerran vuodessa.
85
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,513
"Tänäkö vuonna?"
86
00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,808
"Ei kai vielä. Mietitään. En tiedä."
87
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
Se oli inhottavaa!
Poistuin tuottajan toimistolta -
88
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
tietäen, ettei Louis C.K.
tykännyt minusta.
89
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Yksi kaikkein parhaista koomikoista,
90
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
erityisesti siihen aikaan...
91
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Se oli kamalaa.
Miksi edes teen stand-upia,
92
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
jos Louis C.K. ei tykkää minusta?
Hän ei hyväksynyt.
93
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
Hän ei tykännyt minusta,
koska poltin pilveä.
94
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Niin inhottavaa.
95
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
Sitä sitten mietin sen viitisen vuotta.
96
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Ja sitten koitti se upea aamu.
97
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
Minä heräsin -
98
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
ja luin,
että Louis C.K. runkkaa naisten nähden.
99
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
"Jes!"
100
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Tiedätte, mitä tarkoitan.
Ikävää, että niin kävi,
101
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
mutta onneksi se kävi juuri hänelle.
102
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
No niin.
103
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:14,832
Mutta mietitään,
millaista on runkata yksin.
104
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Tulkaa siihen tilanteeseen kanssani.
105
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Sopiiko?
106
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Yksin runkkaaminen on helvetin outoa.
107
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,388
Välillä siinä kestää tosi kauan,
eikä itseään vain saa tulemaan.
108
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,473
Mikä luuseri!
109
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,351
Ei pysty hoitelemaan edes itseään.
110
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,396
Miksi joku muu sitten suostuisi?
111
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Itseään ei pidä nähdä peilistä.
112
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
Minulle kävi niin, koska olen typerä.
113
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Enää ei käy,
koska nyt runkkaan säkkipimeässä.
114
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Oikeasti.
115
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Puhelimen näyttö alas,
koska voi tulla viesti,
116
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,577
jonka valo näkyy peilistä,
117
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:54,288
ja sitten näkee itsensä
runkkaamassa nurkassa.
118
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,415
Viesti äidiltä.
119
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Äidin tekstiviestin jälkeen runkkaaminen
on lähes mahdonta.
120
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Ei mahdotonta, mutta lähes.
121
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Siinä oli vaikea onnistua.
122
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,597
Mutta oli kurja kuulla ne jutut.
123
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:16,018
Minua harmitti niiden naisten puolesta,
joiden nähden hän runkkasi.
124
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Se on surullista,
koska se jätti heihin jäljen.
125
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:23,109
Kunpa he olisivat tienneet,
että kun Louis veti kalunsa esiin -
126
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:26,154
ja alkoi runkata,
olisi kannattanut sytyttää sätkä.
127
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:30,074
"Ei vittu, poltatteko te pilveä?
Helvetin elukat!"
128
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
"Minä kantelen teistä!
Senkin surkimukset!"
129
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,873
"Vaarannatte uranne pössyttelemällä!"
130
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Ystäväni, jota tuen rahallisesti,
sai lapsen.
131
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,971
Olen siis isä.
132
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,642
En ollut varsinaisesti valmis siihen.
133
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Hän soitti innoissaan:
"Hei, mahtavia uutisia!"
134
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
"Saitko työpaikan?"
135
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
"En, kun sain lapsen!"
136
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
No mutta sehän on työpaikan
täydellinen vastakohta.
137
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Minä saisin mielelläni lapsen.
138
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Lapsen kanssa ei voi olla vaikeaa.
Kaikki kaverini saavat lapsia,
139
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
ja valituksen aiheet
eivät kuulosta pahoilta.
140
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Kaikki valittavat samaa.
"Se itkee!"
141
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
No mene toiseen huoneeseen!
142
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,888
Kaikkihan itkevät.
143
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,723
Jos se ei lopu, pitää lähteä.
144
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,099
Minä itken koko ajan.
145
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:41,229
Lopulta ystävät sanovat:
"Pitää mennä töihin. Älä roiku netissä."
146
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,402
Lapset siis itkevät.
Toinen valituksen aihe on,
147
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
että ne paskovat.
Ei sekään minua haittaa.
148
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
Koska paskonhan minäkin.
149
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Lapsen jäljiltä siistimistä
on vain vähemmän.
150
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Ja kun putsaa lapsia,
voi joskus huomata paikkoja,
151
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
joita ei omasta kropasta
ole edes huomannut.
152
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
"Enpä ole ennen nähnyt persereikääni
tästä kulmasta."
153
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
"Täytyypä taputella tuokin kolo,
kun tulen suihkusta."
154
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Ja kun tulee suihkusta:
155
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,808
"No helvetti."
156
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,649
Lastenvahtina on kivaa.
157
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,570
Vedän sieniä mikroannoksina,
joten puhun vauvojen kieltä.
158
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Mahtavaa. Juttua riittää.
159
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
Yhtenä päivänä siskonpoika sanoi:
"Blörgh."
160
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,788
Ymmärsin heti,
että hän halusi katsoa murhaohjelmaa.
161
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,711
Sienet ovat mahtavia.
Niiden käyttö on kuin vuoristorataa.
162
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
Sitä menee ylös muttei koskaan tule alas.
163
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Pelkästään ylöspäin. "Mieletöntä!"
164
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
"Mahtavaa! Että onkin järjetöntä!
Herranen aika!"
165
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
Viidettä tuntia.
166
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Tapahtui ihme juttu,
kun olin kerran lapsenvahtina.
167
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Ystäväni poika saa hampaita.
168
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Katsottiin siinä sitä murhaohjelmaa,
169
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
ja minä istuin kaikessa rauhassa.
Poika saa siis hampaita.
170
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
Joten hän nappasi käteni
ja alkoi imeä sormiani.
171
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
Oikein mukavasti.
172
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Minä...
173
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
En ottanut sormea heti pois.
174
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
"Ei! Vau! Silti ei!"
175
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
Tuo vitsi jakaa mielipiteet.
176
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Tiedän sen. Se on koettu ennenkin.
177
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
Se oli ehkä vähän outo vitsi,
mutta nyt ollaan komediaklubilla.
178
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Kunnan tiedotustilaisuudessa
se vasta outo olisi.
179
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
Jos nappaisin mikrofonin
ja alkaisin puhua siellä.
180
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
"Okei, odottelen ulkona."
181
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,384
Naisten pitäisi kertoa miehille,
miten heille saa orgasmin.
182
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Sen keskustelun voisi käydä
jo ennen ekaa yhteistä kertaa.
183
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,185
Koska kaikki naiset
ovat kuulemma erilaisia.
184
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:27,603
Vakuuttelen itselleni.
185
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:35,152
Jokainen on erilainen,
ja yksi taitaa olla sisäisesti kuollut.
186
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,240
"Sinä taidat nyt vain olla rikki."
187
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Oikeasti.
188
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Sori. Joskus omat jutut
alkavat hihityttää.
189
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,841
Naisten pitäisi kertoa,
miten heille saa orgasmin.
190
00:11:56,924 --> 00:12:00,886
Ei tarvitse odottaa sopivaa hetkeä.
Emme me loukkaannu.
191
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Paneskelu voi vaikka olla kesken,
192
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,476
kun nainen sanoo vihaavansa jotain.
193
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:13,232
Mies kysyy: "Onko näin parempi",
ja jos on, kaikki muu on unohdettu.
194
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Sanokaa suoraan vain.
195
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Miehen kannalta homma on selkeä.
196
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Sitä vain vedellään, ja tavaraa lentää.
197
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
Helppo homma. Poikanikin pystyisi siihen.
198
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,627
Vaikuttaisi, ettei orgasmin
antaminen naiselle ole vaikeaa.
199
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:37,256
Mutta jos hikoilee ja huohottaa,
on kuulemma toiminut väärin.
200
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Kaikki minun tietoni
ovat peräisin pornosta,
201
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
koska kasvoin vain äidin ja siskon kanssa.
202
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Emme siis puhuneet asiasta.
203
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Koskaan ei ruokapöydässä tullut olo,
että olisi sopivaa sanoa:
204
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
"Hei, tyypit."
205
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,649
"Jos en olisi poikanne tai veljene..."
206
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Joten kaikki mitä tiesin, tuli pornosta.
207
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
Siinä vain heilutaan ja huudetaan.
208
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Jos se otetaan pois
ja tehdään pari punnerrusta.
209
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
Ja sitten takaisin. Sori.
210
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
En siis tiennyt oikein mitään.
Mutta onneksi eräs nainen valisti.
211
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
Vaginassa on siis sellainen pieni juttu.
212
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,014
Sellainen pieni pallero.
213
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:30,142
Se näyttää vähän siltä
tällaiselta nyrkkeilyjutulta.
214
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Nopeustreenipallolta.
215
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Sitä lätkitään joko nopeasti
tai tosi hitaasti.
216
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
Vaginan kanssa on siis sama juttu.
217
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Sitä pikkupalleroa
joko naputellaan tosi kevyesti -
218
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
tai painetaan täysillä.
Kuulemma. Joko tai.
219
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Ei tarvitse edes vaihtaa asua.
220
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Mutta miehelle kannattaa siis kertoa.
221
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Mies on helppo pitää tyytyväisenä,
222
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
mutta jos joku vetäisisi housuni alas
ja alkaisi läimiä munaani,
223
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,556
en ajattelisi: "Ei helvetti,
toivottavasti hän tajuaa! Au!"
224
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:13,894
"Sodassa ollaan!"
225
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,607
Kysyisin:
"Kuka sinut lähetti? Mistä on kyse?"
226
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
"Tämä on murhayritys."
227
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:26,490
On yksi juttu,
mistä kukaan mies ei tykkää,
228
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,118
muttemme uskalla sanoa sitä naiselle,
229
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
koska paneminen on jo tosi lähellä...
230
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Sille ei ole kovin monta sanaa,
231
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,755
ja "paneminen" on niistä sopivin.
232
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,217
Tämä muuten näytetään Nickelodeonilla.
233
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:50,180
Siksi laitoin puvunkin,
mitä en yleensä tee.
234
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Normivaatteeni näyttävät
limakylpyyn sopivilta.
235
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
Mutta löysin kivan naisten puvun -
236
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
ja olen nyt helvetin tyylikäs.
237
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Näytän eronneelta naiselta,
joka menestyy nyt.
238
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Älä tule takaisin."
239
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,542
"Olen löytänyt omat kykyni."
240
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Mutta on siis yksi juttu,
josta kukaan mies ei tykkää.
241
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Kun nainen on päällä,
juuri ennen kuin tunget kullisi häneen...
242
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,474
Tuo ei ehkä ole hieno tapa muotoilla asia,
243
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:35,809
mutta kokeilin viittä tapaa,
244
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
ja kullin tunkeminen voitti.
Ylivoimaisesti.
245
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Miettikää, miten kamalia
ne neljä muuta olivat.
246
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,986
Jo kuulostaa hyvältä.
247
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Nainen on siis päällä,
ja kalu survotaan kohta sisään.
248
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Huomaatteko?
249
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Mitäs minä sanoin.
250
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,457
Nainen on siis päällä
ja ottaa kohta kullin sisäänsä.
251
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Monet naiset alkavat liukua
kullin päällä -
252
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
ennen kuin laittavat sen sisään.
"Ooh, tuntuuko hyvältä?"
253
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Ei perkele tunnu. Sattuu pahasti.
Älkää enää ikinä tehkö niin.
254
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Laittakaa se vain sisään.
255
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Se sattuu helvetisti!
256
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Se sattuu, koska oli karvoja tai ei,
257
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
se kohta on karkea.
258
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Ja sitten sitä aletaan hieroa
paljasta kulliparkaa vasten.
259
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Se sattuu.
260
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
"Tuntuuko hyvältä?"
261
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
No ei!
Tuntuu samalta kuin intiaanihieronta.
262
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,831
Olet kuin äidin outo kaveri,
joka teki sitä, kun äiti oli muualla.
263
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,794
Kaikki muistavat sen tietyn tyypin.
264
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:49,008
Olitte kahden, ja hän sanoi:
"Oletko kokeillut intiaanihierontaa?"
265
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:53,095
Ensin se tuntui hauskalta, ja sitten:
"Ei saa, setä!"
266
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Kukaan mies ei siis tykkää siitä.
267
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
Se tuntuu pahalta. Hiekkapaperilta.
268
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Sitä ei varmaan huomaa,
269
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
koska kipuilme ja nautintoilme
ovat samanlaiset.
270
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Niitä ei erota.
271
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Mutta se sattuu paljon.
272
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:24,043
Sitten kulli on ihan hiertynyt ja verillä.
273
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,837
Ja kun aamulla herää,
274
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,507
ei tajua, mitä helvettiä on tapahtunut.
275
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Onko kyse jostain sukupuolitaudista,
joka roihahtaa vuorokaudessa?
276
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Kävin näyttämässä sitä lääkärille.
277
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,684
Hän sanoi:
"Sinun pitää oppia panemaan."
278
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,227
Siis mitä?
279
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,524
Staten Islandin lääkärit
ovat omanlaisiaan.
280
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Sillä lailla.
281
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:57,076
Minulla on paljon homokavereita.
282
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,078
Pidän homoystävistäni,
283
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:04,083
koska homomiehen ja heteromiehen
ystävyys on pakostikin aitoa.
284
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
Kummallakaan ei ole taka-ajatuksia.
285
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
Voi olla täysin rehellinen.
286
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
Ja homot ovat maailman rehellisimpiä.
287
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
Tosin myös ilkeitä.
288
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Ilkeyteen asti rehellisiä.
289
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Kerron esimerkin.
290
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,436
Lähdin äidin luota...
No, on se minunkin kotini.
291
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Haistakaa paska, en selittele mitään.
292
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
Järjestely sopii minulle hyvin.
293
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Äidin kanssa on tosi kiva asua.
Minä asun kellarissa.
294
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
Omassa asunnossani.
295
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
Ylempää kerrosta sanotaan nyt
yhteistilaksi,
296
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,673
koska olemme kämppiksiä.
297
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:56,760
Omassa alakerran sisäänkäynnissä lukee:
298
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,221
"Peten ovi".
299
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Ihan oikeasti.
300
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,184
Se on tosi siistiä. Loputtomasti karkkia.
301
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Teitä naurattaa, mutta kellariini
pääsevät vain coolit jäbät.
302
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Äidin pitää koputtaa.
303
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Hän ei marssi sisään noin vain.
Hän koputtaa aina.
304
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
No niin.
305
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Jokaisella tyttöystävälläni
on aina paljon homoystäviä.
306
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Mutta aina on yksi homoystävä,
jota en usko homoksi.
307
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,757
Jep. Naiset nauravat.
308
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:38,802
Miehet tietävät, mistä puhun.
"Se vitun Kyle!"
309
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
"Vihaan sitä!
En voi sanoa mitään, vaikka haluaisin."
310
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,893
Minäpä selitän.
311
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:51,315
Hän on se, josta poikaystävä kysyy:
"Hei, mikä juttu Kylen kanssa?"
312
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
"Miksi hän on aina mukana?"
313
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Tyttöystävä vastaa aina: "Ai Kyle?"
314
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
"Niin. Mikä homma?"
315
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
"Missä mennään?"
316
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
Tyttöystävä sanoo:
"Älä viitsi, hän on homo."
317
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
"Mutta onko tieto varma?"
318
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
"Tiedetäänkö kaduilla, että Kyle on homo?"
319
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:17,341
Ja tyttöystävä sanoo:
"No, kaikkihan sen tietävät."
320
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
"Minäpä en tiedä."
321
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
"Minä en tiedä.
Kyle, minä näen lävitsesi."
322
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
Kaikki yökyläilyt.
323
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:30,229
Jos inhoat pillua, miksi halailet sitä?
Erittäin omituista.
324
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
En minäkään halaile parkkisakkonippuja
tai muuta vastaavaa.
325
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Joo, eri asioita, mutta minulle kelpaa.
326
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Minä en tajua sitä.
327
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
On tietty homotyyppi,
328
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
jota sanon lääppijöiksi.
329
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
Homoja eivät koske mitkään säännöt.
330
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
He voivat tehdä mitä tykkäävät.
331
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Aivan älytöntä.
332
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Eikä siinä mitään,
mutta he todella tekevät mitä tykkäävät.
333
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
Oikeasti! On se lääppijätyyppi.
334
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Se homo, joka ryntää tyttöystävän luokse,
335
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
puristaa tissejä
ja läimäyttää perseelle.
336
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
"Hitto että näytät ihanalta!"
337
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Sori vaan, mutta minusta
se ei ole yhtään hauskaa.
338
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Olen täysin homouden puolella,
en ollenkaan sitä vastaan,
339
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,494
mutta minä joudun näkemään
hirveästi vaivaa tissejä puristellakseni.
340
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,333
Olen missannut monta synttäriä
ja menettänyt ystäviä.
341
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
Viettänyt jouluja Ohiossa.
342
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:42,592
Ja toiset saavat läimäytellä perseitä
tuosta vain. Helvetin epäreilua!
343
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Tuosta noin vain.
Viereen, läimäytys, hihitys.
344
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Ihan vain siksi, että voi.
345
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Minä en tekisi niin vain, koska voin.
346
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,439
En minäkään nyi kenenkään
poikaystävää kullista.
347
00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:57,941
"Hyvä, Gary! Minä en tykkää, mutta jees!"
348
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
"Mitä nyt?"
349
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,618
"No mitä? Olen hetero."
350
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Tietyille ihmisille on omat sääntönsä,
ja minä en tajua sitä.
351
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
En vain ymmärrä.
352
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Mutten sano mitään,
koska tiedän, miten siinä kävisi.
353
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
Moni teistäkin
on käynyt sen läpi mielessään.
354
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Huonosti käy.
355
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Kaveri läimäyttää tyttöystäväni
persettä, puristaa tissejä -
356
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
ja hihittelee.
357
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
Minä sanon: "Mitä vittua, Kyle?"
358
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,653
Ja Kyle päättää tulla kaapista
juuri silloin:
359
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,781
"Minä olen homo!"
360
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Se siitä. Kyle voitti.
Ei siihen voi sanoa mitään.
361
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Muuta kuin ehkä:
"Anteeksi, jatka vain."
362
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,626
"Napauta kevyesti tai paina täysillä."
363
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,215
Outoa siinä on se,
364
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:07,552
koska homma toimii vain
homomiehen ja heteronaisen välillä.
365
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
Ei mitenkään muuten.
366
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Heteromies ja lesbonainen, ei toimi.
367
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,559
En minä voi mennä
puristelemaan lesbon tissejä:
368
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:16,978
"Ei huolta, tästä ei tykkää kumpikaan."
369
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,656
Joudun usein vaikeuksiin.
370
00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:30,450
Tänne tullessakin poliisi pysäytti minut.
371
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:34,329
Laittaako kukaan muu siinä tilanteessa
Billy Joelia soimaan?
372
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Toivoen, että poliisi sanoisi:
373
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"Ajokortti ja...
Billy Joel! Ei ole totta!"
374
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,129
"Olet kunnon kaveri."
375
00:23:42,212 --> 00:23:45,048
"Et kuuntelekaan jotain 2 Chainzia."
376
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:50,095
Vielä kiusallisempaa on, kun se ei toimi.
377
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
Hän sanookin: "Ajokortti ja rekisteriote!"
378
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
"Sammuta tuo Bill Withers!"
379
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Joudun tosiaan usein vaikeuksiin.
380
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Viime vuonna jouduin vaikeuksiin
yksien vitsieni takia.
381
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
Pilkkasin erästä miestä.
382
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
Poliitikkoa, jolla on silmälappu.
Hänen nimensä on Dan Crenshaw.
383
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:15,036
En mielestäni tehnyt mitään väärää.
384
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:19,875
Sanojani väänneltiin,
jotta hän sai julkisuutta.
385
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:23,211
Mutta minä en...
386
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,797
Tämä on homman nimi.
387
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Minä en ole Twitterissä,
388
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
joten en voi selittää asioita,
kun jotain ikävää tapahtuu.
389
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Ajattelin, että tehdään spesiaali,
niin voin avata asiaa.
390
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
Koska minua ei päästetä nettiin.
391
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,647
Jos käyn netissä,
joudun varmaan vankilaan tai jotain.
392
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Pilkkasin siis miestä,
jolla on silmälappu.
393
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
Sitten minut pakotettiin
pyytämään anteeksi.
394
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
Minua nimittäin uhattiin ampua naamaan.
395
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
Ja harmi kyllä
en itse vastannut siihen puheluun.
396
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Kämppikseni vastasi.
397
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,377
Hän ei todellakaan ollut tyytyväinen.
398
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
Joten kämppikseni mielestä
minun piti pyytää anteeksi,
399
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
jottei minua ammuttaisi naamaan.
400
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Joten...
401
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,392
Näin se meni.
Juttuni ovat tosi rajalliset SNL:ssä.
402
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:23,396
Harva varmaan on edes nähnyt sitä.
403
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:27,734
Esiinnyn siinä vain tosi vähän.
404
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,280
Mietimme, että mitähän helvettiä
minulle keksittäisiin.
405
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660
"Sinähän kuulut roast-perheeseen.
Teet roasteja."
406
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
Jep, toki kuulun "roast-perheeseen".
407
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,627
Minulle ehdotettiin, että roastaisin
poliitikkoja Update-osiossa.
408
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Ajattelin, että pääsen sillä
kuuteen jaksoon.
409
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:51,174
Sehän sopi.
410
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:55,929
Roastaamisessa on samat säännöt
kuin 8 Milessa.
411
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Ensin pilkataan itseään
ja sitten kaikkia muita.
412
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Sain ison paperiarkin, jossa oli naamoja.
413
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
Aloin kirjoittaa heistä vitsejä.
414
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Tämä mies, tuo nainen...
415
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
Ja sitten huomasin Dan Crenshaw'n.
416
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:16,908
Hänellä on silmälappu. Ajattelin heti,
että häneltä löytyy huumorintajua.
417
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Sen silmälapun takia.
418
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:21,955
Jos menettää silmän,
419
00:26:22,038 --> 00:26:26,293
on ainakin kolme muuta vaihtoehtoa
ennen lappua. Ihan oikeasti.
420
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Lasisilmä, lasisilmä plus silmälasit,
421
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
aurinkolasit, ja sitten vasta silmälappu.
422
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,427
Ajattelin, että mies on hauska.
423
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Hän osaa nauraa itselleen. Hieno juttu.
424
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Ajattelin, että kirjoitetaanpa hänestä
harmiton vitsi.
425
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Jotain vain.
426
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Tämä mies näyttää
pornoleffan palkkamurhaajalta."
427
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Harmiton SNL-vitsi.
428
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,323
"Hah hah, seuraava pysäkki."
429
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:59,034
Se olin minä taksissa.
430
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Siellä se toimii.
431
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Tuo kohta leikataan pois.
432
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Pois vain. Unohdetaan koko homma.
Palataan panemiseen.
433
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Takaisin panojuttuihin.
434
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,265
Olen aina halunnut tehdä näin.
435
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Onnea panosta!
436
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Kiitos, että jatkat katsomista.
437
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:35,987
Olen aina halunnut, että joku sanoo noin,
kun katson Netflixiä.
438
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Miten meni? Oliko kivaa?
439
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
Toivottavasti meni hienosti.
440
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:56,132
Varmasti, jos painoit pausea
Crenshaw-jutun kohdalla, perkele.
441
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
Pidetään kivaa! Sori.
442
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Ei mitään.
443
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Kirjoitin siis pikku vitsin.
444
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"Hän näyttää
pornoleffan palkkamurhaajalta."
445
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,402
En miettinyt sitä sen enempää.
446
00:28:15,485 --> 00:28:19,823
Sitten, juuri ennen kuin oli minun vuoroni
suorassa lähetyksessä,
447
00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:22,033
yksi käsikirjoittajakaverini sanoi:
448
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"Kuule, tein juuri taustatutkimusta."
449
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
Minä sanoin: "Siis juuri nytkö?"
450
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Siellä on tapana odottaa viime hetkeen.
451
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
Hän sanoi: "Siitä Dan Crenshaw'sta."
452
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
"Hän taisi menettää silmänsä
sodassa tai jotain vastaavaa."
453
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
Siis mitä? Sitten kuului:
"Peten vuoro!"
454
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,885
"Ei vittu!" ajattelin.
455
00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:43,471
Kaveri sanoi:
"Hienosti menee, ei huolta!"
456
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,473
"Minä en näy telkkarissa."
457
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:50,854
Yritän aina lähetyksessä olla fiksu,
458
00:28:50,937 --> 00:28:54,607
mutta se on vaikeaa,
koska olen aina vetänyt sieniä tai muuta.
459
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Fiksuus on siis äärimmäisen vaikeaa.
460
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Siinä hetkessä pitäisi tajuta,
mitä sanoa ja mitä ei.
461
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
"Nyt kyllä... Ei!"
462
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:10,081
Kiitos niille 12:lle jotka tajusivat tuon.
463
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,461
Mikä ihmeen vitsi?
464
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Näköjään kuka tahansa saa nyt
tehdä tällaisen Netflixissä.
465
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Pääsitkö taas panemaan? Mahtava homma!
466
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Kiitos, että jatkat taas katselua.
467
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Arvostan sitä kovasti.
468
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Se oli varmasti hienoa. Hyvä, hyvä.
469
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:35,148
Mutta oikeastiko Crenshaw-jutun aikana?
470
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:44,073
Nautin tuosta kanssanne,
koska minäkin kuulin sen nyt ekaa kertaa.
471
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,287
Menin siis lähetykseen.
472
00:29:49,370 --> 00:29:52,290
Olin juuri kuullut,
että silmä meni ehkä sodassa.
473
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:54,876
Piti siis miettiä fiksusti, mitä sanoa.
474
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Pitää pyytää anteeksi vitsin jälkeen.
475
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Jo valmiiksi.
476
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Esitin siis juttuni ja pyysin anteeksi.
477
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:07,263
Muistan tarkkaan, miten se meni
ja mitä sanoin. En unohda sitä ikinä.
478
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Sanoin: "Dan Crenshaw näyttää
pornoleffan palkkamurhaajalta."
479
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Vitsille naurettiin vaimeasti.
480
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Heti sen jälkeen sanoin:
481
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Anteeksi, hän menetti kai silmänsä
sodassa tai jotain."
482
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:22,445
Ja sen takia ajateltiin:
483
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
"Sinä vihaat Amerikkaa!"
484
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,952
Ei! En vain halunnut jakaa
väärää tietoa silmän menettämisestä.
485
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
Onko se joku vitun rikos?
486
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:33,832
Silmä meni sodassa tai jotain.
Mistä minä tiedän?
487
00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:37,335
Afganistanissa tai omassa keittiössä.
En minä tiedä.
488
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Ei minulla ole
Dan Crenshaw:n pelaajakorttia,
489
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
jossa on kaikki tilastot ja tiedot.
490
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,261
Sori vaan. Mutta niin sitä sanotaan.
491
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:49,013
Yritin olla fiksu.
492
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:51,975
Kenraali Patton,
suuri amerikkalainen sankari,
493
00:30:52,058 --> 00:30:56,187
kuoli Saksassa viikko sodan jälkeen
auto-onnettomuudessa.
494
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,148
Mutta kun puhumme
suuresta kenraali Pattonista,
495
00:30:59,232 --> 00:31:02,402
sanomme että hän kuoli sodassa.
Tai jotain.
496
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Se on helpompaa kuin sanoa,
497
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
että hän voitti sodan
ja teki sitten virheen liikenteessä.
498
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Niin sitä sanotaan.
Ei se tarkoita, että vihaan Amerikkaa.
499
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Ainoa, mistä en tykkää,
on se kun väitetään,
500
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,336
että on minun vikani että hän voitti.
Ei ole.
501
00:31:20,420 --> 00:31:22,463
Suurin osa äänistä oli jo annettu,
502
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:26,092
ja hän on texasilainen republikaani,
jolla on silmälappu.
503
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
Homma oli selvä alun alkaenkin.
504
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Sen tiesi etukäteen.
505
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,520
Texasissa sitä paitsi varmaan
äänestetään kuvien perusteella.
506
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Joten hänen voittonsa ei johdu minusta.
507
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,489
Se on Amerikan vika.
508
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:49,824
Samoin kuin tämäkin.
509
00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:53,870
Minä en auttanut sitä tyyppiä.
510
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,248
Ainoa, mihin olen syyllinen,
ja mitä pyydän anteeksi,
511
00:31:57,332 --> 00:32:01,252
on se, että tein siitä tyypistä
tunnetun ilman mitään syytä.
512
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,297
Tein hänelle saman
kuin Ariana Grande minulle.
513
00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:06,215
Näin on.
514
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Otin häneltä suihin SNL:ssä.
515
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:18,770
En aikonut tehdä tästä vitsejä,
mutta sitten kaverini sanoi kuulleensa,
516
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:22,565
että Ariana oli sanonut
ettei edes tiennyt kuka olin -
517
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
ja että olin hänelle vain ajanvietettä.
518
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Nyt saa siis sanoa mitä vain.
519
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Näin on.
520
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,867
Älkää taputtako. Tämä ei ole
Draken ja Lil Waynen konsertti.
521
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:34,786
Tämä ei ole kilpailu.
522
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,831
Hän tekee laulujaan ja minä teen tätä.
523
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:42,627
Niin se on.
524
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Ajattelette, ettei ole reilua
pestä likapyykkiä julkisesti.
525
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Missä Ariana muka niin sanoi?
526
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
Ystävilleen neljän seinän sisälläkö?
527
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Ei. Hän sanoi niin Voguen kannessa.
528
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Miettikää, jos minä tekisin saman.
529
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Urani olisi ohi huomenna.
530
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:09,237
Jos spray-maalaisin itseni ruskeaksi,
loikkaisin Voguen kanteen -
531
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:13,116
ja alkaisin puhua pahaa exästäni.
Miettikää...
532
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,868
Älkää taputtako
kuin Drakelle ja Lil Waynelle.
533
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,329
En tykkää siitä. Tykkään naurusta.
534
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:19,789
Kerron vain vitsejä.
535
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Entä jos minä sanoisin:
536
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,669
"Paneskelin häntä, koska oli tylsää,
537
00:33:24,752 --> 00:33:27,171
mutta sitten tuli Fortnite."
Ei se kävisi.
538
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
Luulisi, että hänelle tuli siitä
jotain seurauksia.
539
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Ei! Hänet valittiin
Billboardin vuoden naiseksi,
540
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
ja barstoolsports.com
sanoi minua peräreikäsilmäksi.
541
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Elämä on joskus vähän epäreilua.
542
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Nämä ovat pelkkiä vitsejä.
En halua vaikeuksia.
543
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Suurin pelkoni on,
että minua ampuu takaraivoon -
544
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
yhdeksänvuotias ponnaripää.
545
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:08,004
Ja viimeiset kuulemani sanat ovat:
"Hashtag urasi on ohi!"
546
00:34:08,087 --> 00:34:10,006
Ja sitten kuti takaraivoon.
547
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
En halua suututtaa yhdeksänvuotiaita.
548
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Hänellä on vaikutusvaltaa,
sillä Arianalla.
549
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Hänellä on vaikutusvaltaa,
ja hän on tosi älykäs.
550
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Ei hän muuten voisi pilata
ihmisen Starbucks-käyntejä.
551
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:35,990
Kun pyysin Starbucksissa normaalin kahvin,
myyjä vain katsoi...
552
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
"Haista paska, menen muualle!"
553
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
"Mutta ei täältä enää löydy
muita kahviloita!"
554
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Minulta kysellään koko ajan,
millaista se oli.
555
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,096
Samanlaista kuin erot yleensä,
paitsi kaikkien nähtävillä.
556
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,934
En tiennyt, mihin olin ryhtymässä.
557
00:35:03,059 --> 00:35:06,145
Tavallaan tiesin,
mutta jatkuva kuvaaminen yllätti.
558
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Muuten olisin hoidattanut ihoni
ennen seurustelua.
559
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,819
Olisin valmistautunut kunnolla.
560
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:17,198
Samanlainen ero kuin muutkin.
Kaverit tulevat käymään ja valehtelevat.
561
00:35:17,281 --> 00:35:20,535
"Ei hätää.
Ei kukaan edes tiedä, kuka hän on."
562
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
"Kaikki hyvin. Tervemenoa."
563
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:28,167
Sitten hän julkaisi sen biisin.
564
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:31,045
Ja kaverit sanoivat:
"Kuule, olet tosi rakas."
565
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,672
"Helvetin tarttuva biisi."
566
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,552
"Todella tarttuva.
Joudut kärsimään seuraavat kuukaudet."
567
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,929
"Tykkään siitä biisistä. Anteeksi."
568
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:42,306
"Tykkään sinustakin, mutta..."
569
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Vaarinikin sanoi: "Hittiainesta."
570
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
"Peter, hitti siitä tulee.
Olen pahoillani."
571
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
"Hyvä kappale,
vaikken edes kuuntele tuollaista."
572
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Tajusin jo!
573
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Mutta ainoa asia,
mikä minua koko jutussa harmittaa,
574
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
ei ehkä tulisi ekana mieleen.
575
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
En tykkää siitä, että hän kehui kulliani.
576
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Minusta se oli tosi kummallista.
577
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
"Juttumme ei toiminut,
mutta muna oli ihana."
578
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:20,678
Se oli minusta omituista,
koska kaikki ajattelivat,
579
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
että olipa se kivasti sanottu.
580
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Mietitäänpä hetki.
Mitä jos minä puhuisin samalla tavalla?
581
00:36:29,061 --> 00:36:32,940
"Harmi että erottiin,
mutta tosi hyvä pillu!"
582
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
"Niin märkä!"
583
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,820
"Hyvä pillu, mutta harmi."
584
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
Älytöntä!
585
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,790
En minä voi sellaista sanoa.
586
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Se on siis ainoa juttu.
587
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
En tykännyt siitä, koska se ei ole totta.
588
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Hänellä vain on tosi pienet kädet.
589
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Todella pienet kädet.
590
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Kaikki on valtavaa niihin verrattuna.
591
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Vitsailimme siitä koko seurusteluajan.
592
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
"Sinulle tämäkin on iso. Mahtavaa!"
593
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,689
Siihen tyyliin.
594
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Mietitte, miksi. Jos hän tietää totuuden,
595
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
miksi hän väittää kaikille,
että minulla on iso penis?
596
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:25,326
Miksi ihmeessä?
597
00:37:25,409 --> 00:37:28,079
Voisi luulla,
että hän on vain mukava nainen.
598
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:31,582
Suhde ei toiminut,
mutta silti hän kehui minua.
599
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
Että minulla on kiva penis.
600
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:36,087
Ei se ole se syy.
601
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Syy on se...
602
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Muistakaa,
että hän on todella älykäs ihminen.
603
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Hän teki niin, jotta jokainen nainen,
joka tämän jälkeen näkee kullini,
604
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
pettyisi.
605
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Nerokasta!
606
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Loputonta nolaamista.
607
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Se pysyy.
608
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
En edes voinut nauttia
isomunaisen maineestani.
609
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Lopettakaa jo.
Perheenjäseneni osaavat lukea.
610
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Äitiparka.
611
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
No, nyt vielä vähän 9/11-vitsejä,
ja sitten häivytään.
612
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Miltä kuulostaa? Hyvä.
613
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Vain täällä sallin 9/11-hurraukset.
614
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Isäni kuoli syyskuun 11. päivän iskuissa.
615
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Minun käskettiin selittää se
ennen vitsejä,
616
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
koska kaikki eivät tiedä sitä.
Minä vastasin siihen,
617
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:39,025
että jos selitän sen,
tunnelma muuttuu vaivautuneeksi.
618
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Minä voitin. Olin oikeassa.
619
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Kun isä kuolee ollesssaan
valtion tai vastaavan töissä...
620
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
En minä tiedä. Hän oli palomies.
621
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Silloin perhe saattaa saada vähän rahaa.
622
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Ei paljon. Vähän rahaa.
623
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,591
Me saimme vähän rahaa, ja äiti
halusi lohduttaa minua ja siskoani -
624
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
hankimalla uima-altaan niillä rahoilla.
625
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Hän ajatteli, että jos hankimme altaan,
626
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
muut haluavat olla ystäviämme
ja tulla uimaan siinä altaassa.
627
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Aika synkkää.
628
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,901
Uidaan kuolemanaltaassa.
629
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:28,741
Ajatus on kiva, mutta siihen altaaseen
tuntuu oudolta hypätä pommeja.
630
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Siellä sitä uiskennellaan.
"Ollaanko nyt tasoissa?"
631
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Äiti siis hankki minulle ja siskolle
uima-altaan.
632
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Olin seitsemän, kun isä kuoli.
Eivät lapset tajua sellaista.
633
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
He eivät ymmärrä, mistä on kyse.
634
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Minä siis sain altaan,
ja koulukaverit sanoivat:
635
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Sä olet tosi onnekas ja rikas!
Teillä on uima-allas!"
636
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:04,318
"Joo, onneksi on allas.
Täytän sen kyynelillä joka kesä."
637
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
"Siitä tietää olevansa rikas,
kun voi uida omassa surussaan."
638
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:13,619
"Onneksi Osama bin Laden heräsi ajoissa.
Muuten mulla ei olisi allasta!"
639
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,415
"Sori. Tulkaa vain käymään."
640
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
Tuo pidetään, Jason, sanot mitä sanot.
641
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Tein isästä juttua kesän aikana.
642
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Kuvattiin leffaa.
643
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,180
Minun piti tavallaan tutkia isän taustoja,
644
00:40:33,264 --> 00:40:35,975
ja samalla hengasin
hänen kavereidensa kanssa.
645
00:40:36,058 --> 00:40:38,394
Olen Staten Islandista, samoin oli isä.
646
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:41,605
Siksi hänen kaverinsa ovat kuin minä.
Roskaväkeä.
647
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Me ollaan kirjaimellisesti roskaväkeä.
648
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Staten Island tunnetaan
maailman suurimmasta kaatopaikasta.
649
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
Se näkyi avaruuteen asti.
650
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:56,162
Taksikuskit sanoivat niin
tullessaan Staten Islandiin.
651
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:58,831
"Tiesitö, että täällä on jättikaatis?"
652
00:40:58,914 --> 00:41:01,375
Eikä vaikka: "Katso, miten kaunis puu!"
653
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,215
Mietitte ehkä,
mitä kaatopaikalle tapahtui.
654
00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:10,384
No, sen päälle rakennettiin puisto.
655
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:14,430
Luulette, että jätteet vietiin ensin pois.
656
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Ei. Kaatopaikan päälle
vain rakennettiin puisto.
657
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,270
Kun se alkaa hajota
kymmenen vuoden päästä,
658
00:41:21,353 --> 00:41:24,148
lapset satuttavat itsensä ysäri-Hondiin.
659
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,072
Yritän siis kertoa,
millaisia alueen ihmiset ovat.
660
00:41:32,156 --> 00:41:33,574
Tuo oli huono esimerkki.
661
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Jos ottaisi punaisen Marlboron
ja heittäisi sen kylpyammeeseen,
662
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
ja se heräisi eloon.
663
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Sellaisia...
664
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
Sellaisia...
665
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
Sellaisia Staten Islandin miehet ovat.
666
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Minun piti siis tavata isän kavereita.
667
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Ja kaikki isästä tietämäni jutut
olivat ajalta, kun olin seitsemän.
668
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
Joten nämä kaverit kertoivat
ihan erilaisia tarinoita -
669
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
kuin aiemmin kuulemani.
670
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,361
Kuin ihan eri ihmisestä.
Kerron yhden esimerkin.
671
00:42:10,444 --> 00:42:12,696
Kun olin pieni, isän ystävät sanoivat:
672
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
"Isäsi oli hieno mies."
673
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,911
"Me pelasimme korista
ja teimme läksyt yhdessä."
674
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:20,955
"Hän söi aina lautasen tyhjäksi."
675
00:42:25,709 --> 00:42:27,795
"Isäsi söi aina lautasen tyhjäksi!"
676
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
"Syö!"
677
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Miksi?
678
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:35,886
Tietysti lautasen syöminen tyhjäksi
pienenä on hankalaa.
679
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,223
Meidän piti syödä
samankokoinen annos kuin aikuistenkin,
680
00:42:39,306 --> 00:42:41,225
jotka ovat kolme kertaa isompia.
681
00:42:41,308 --> 00:42:43,811
Siksi tulemme täyteen
kolmasosa-annoksesta.
682
00:42:43,894 --> 00:42:47,982
Syömään komentaminen ei auta.
Se vain lihottaa kaikkia.
683
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Äiti sanoi aina,
että Afrikan lapset näkevät nälkää.
684
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,197
Sillä hän syyllisti minua.
685
00:42:55,281 --> 00:42:59,368
Ehkä niin, mutta jos Afrikan lapsi
söisi kolmasosan siitä annoksesta,
686
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,078
hän sanoisi: "Olen täynnä."
687
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Puolet teistä nauraa -
688
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
ja toinen puoli miettii,
saako noin sanoa.
689
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,174
Tarkistetaan tuomio Twitteristä.
690
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,137
Twitter on kuin taivaan portit.
691
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,849
Siellä päätetään kaikien kohtalo.
692
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:26,979
Minun piti siis tavata isän kavereita.
693
00:43:27,062 --> 00:43:30,441
Pyysin heitä kertomaan tarinoita isästä.
Sieltä tuli:
694
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"Me vedettiin kokaiinia jatkuvasti!"
695
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
Siis mitä?
696
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
Mies jatkoi:
"Ai, anteeksi, enkö olisi saanut kertoa?"
697
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
Ei siinä mitään,
en vain osannut odottaa sitä.
698
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Lapsena kuulin vain,
miten hän pelasi korista,
699
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
teki läksynsä ja tyhjensi lautasensa.
700
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Viimeinen pätee kai tähänkin, mutta...
701
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Yllätyin vain. Kaveri kysyi,
pitäisikö minua suojella.
702
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
"Kerronko liikaa?" Ei ollenkaan.
703
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
Lapsena vain aina ajattelin,
että isä oli sankari.
704
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
En tiennyt, että hän oli supersankari!
705
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Äärimmäisen cool kaveri!
706
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
90-luvun sankari, veti kokaa nokkaan
ja sammutti tulipaloja.
707
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,159
Olen todella ylpeä.
708
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,496
Olen niin iloinen.
Mielettömän hieno juttu.
709
00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:28,374
Kuvitelkaa. Kotialo palaa.
Palokunta saapuu.
710
00:44:28,457 --> 00:44:31,377
Eka palomies nousee autosta:
"Etsin palopostin."
711
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:33,629
Toinen sanoo: "Minä rajaan alueen."
712
00:44:33,712 --> 00:44:35,005
Sitten tulee isä:
713
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"Nyt vittu sammutetaan!
Jee! Ilman kypärää!"
714
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Kiitos.
715
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Hyvää illanjatkoa.
716
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,224
Kiitos, että tulitte.
717
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Kiitos!
718
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
NÄIN PÄRJÄÄT JÄTTIPENIKSEN KANSSA
719
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON
LOPPUUNMYYTY
720
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Esitys loppui jo,
mutta haluan kertoa vielä yhden jutun.
721
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Haluan kertoa tämän.
722
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Tämä on ainoa muu juttu,
jonka olen kuullut isästä.
723
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:53,751
Pyysin siis sitä kaveria
kertomaan tarinoita isästä.
724
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
Hän kertoi kokaiinista
ja kysyin, olisiko muita juttuja.
725
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
"On minulla toinenkin."
726
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
Selvä juttu. Hän jatkoi: "Yhden kerran..."
727
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:07,264
Hän puhuu oikeasti noin.
Ettette luule, että keksin hänet.
728
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Se olisi noloa. Näin hän puhuu.
729
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"Yhden kerran minä ja isäsi
menimme Poconosiin häihin."
730
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Poconos on valkoisen roskaväen Bahama.
731
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
Sinne mennään korjaamaan avioliittoa -
732
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,655
ja naimaan sydämenmuotoisessa ammeessa.
733
00:46:23,739 --> 00:46:26,116
Sängyn saa värisemään kolikolla.
734
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
"Se heiluu! Kuten elämämme!"
735
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Kaveri jatkoi: "Oltiin siis Poconosissa."
736
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
"Yksissä häissä."
737
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
"Meillä oli häissä oikein hauskaa."
738
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,176
"Tanssittiin ja vedettiin kännit.
Oikein megakännit."
739
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Hieno homma. Vuonna -87.
740
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
Hän ylpeili sillä edelleen.
741
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
"Minä ja isäsi oltiin siis häissä."
742
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
"Meillä oli yhteinen huone
siellä Poconosissa."
743
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
"Minä olin iskenyt yhden tytön
ja halusin päästä panemaan. Vai mitä?"
744
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:03,987
Hän hoki: "Vai mitä?"
745
00:47:04,071 --> 00:47:07,908
Ihan kuin minä olisin sanonut:
"Ei, ei se noin mennyt."
746
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Juttu oli minulle uusi. Jatka.
747
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
"Yritin siis päästä panemaan. Vai mitä?
Ja etsin isääsi."
748
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
"Etsin kaikkialta. Missä olet, Scott?"
749
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Niin hän sanoi:
"Missä olet? Sinua ei näy!"
750
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,718
Oikein hieno esitys.
751
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
"Ajattelin,
että ehkä hänkin oli panemassa."
752
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
"Menimme hotellihuoneeseen.
Isääsi ei näy missään. Vai mitä?"
753
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,148
"No, minä ja se tyttö
alettiin panna oikein kunnolla."
754
00:47:40,232 --> 00:47:44,027
"Se oli helvetin mieletöntä.
Panin häntä joka tavalla."
755
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
"Täällä ja tuolla ja vessassa."
756
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:49,867
Minä kysyin, onko isä tarinassa lainkaan.
757
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:55,956
Koska juttu kuulosti lähinnä
ylitarkalta panomuistelulta vuodelta 1987.
758
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
"Kyllä hän tässä on.
En vain halua että luulet minua nössöksi."
759
00:48:01,378 --> 00:48:03,505
"Tiedän, ettet ole nössö."
760
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
"Me siis panimme siinä."
761
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
"Tyttö sai, ja sitten sain minäkin."
762
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
"Tyttö tietysti ensin.
Ja lopettelimme sitten."
763
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
"Makasimme siinä tahmoissamme."
764
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:21,315
"Yhtäkkiä näin huoneen toisella puolella -
765
00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:23,984
pimeässä hehkuvan tupakan pään."
766
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
"Sytytin valot. Ja siinä isäsi oli!"
767
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
"Scott! Olen etsinyt sinua!"
768
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
"Hän sanoi: Kiitos ilmaisesta show'sta."
769
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
"Sellainen se isäsi oli!"
770
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
"Eikö ole mahtava tarina?"
771
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
No ei!
772
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
"Et kai kerro kaikille
tuota kamalaa tarinaa?"
773
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
"Onko se nainen hengissä?
Hänet pitää lahjoa hiljaiseksi!"
774
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
"Mikä helvetin juttu tämä on?"
775
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Kiitos, että tulitte. Hyvää illanjatkoa.
776
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Tekstitys: Mari Harve
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
Louis CK a voulu me faire virer du SNL
ma première année.
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
Je vais vous raconter ça.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
C'était en 2014 ou 2015,
au dernier numéro de la saison.
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
J'étais hyper étonné et content
de ne pas me faire virer.
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
Je peux ressentir à nouveau ces émotions
chaque semaine.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
Génial. Je n'en reviens toujours pas.
C'est très drôle.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Je fêtais ça, vous voyez ?
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:37,829
Louis CK présentait. À l'époque,
c'était un comique très respecté.
9
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
À l'époque.
10
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
À l'époque, on l'admirait
et on recherchait son approbation.
11
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
À l'époque.
12
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
À l'époque,
tu voulais qu'il soit sympa avec toi.
13
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,723
Bref, il était présentateur.
14
00:00:56,806 --> 00:01:01,269
Comme j'étais ravi,
j'ai fumé un joint dans ma loge.
15
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
Quand je suis sorti prendre l'ascenseur,
16
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:11,446
Louis CK parlait aux comédiens,
aux auteurs, à des gens cool.
17
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,282
Ça se voyait qu'ils étaient
en pleine conversation,
18
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
donc je me suis dit :
"Je ne m'en mêle pas."
19
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
J'étais défoncé.
Je ne voulais pas être lourd,
20
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
ni même que ce mec sache que j'existe.
21
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
J'ai mis mon sweat à capuche,
bien serré
22
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
et j'ai fait le grand tour
pour rejoindre les ascenseurs
23
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
pour ne pas du tout les gêner.
24
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
J'appelle l'ascenseur, j'attends.
25
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
Tout à coup, Louis CK s'arrête de parler.
26
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:43,103
Il me montre du doigt et dit :
"Regardez, Pete est défoncé, ce gros con.
27
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:47,690
Défoncé au boulot, putain de débile.
Tu vas gâcher ta carrière, crétin !"
28
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Hyper défoncé, j'ai pensé :
"Ça ne s'est pas passé.
29
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Mais non.
30
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,867
Pas possible."
31
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
Ça vient de moi, c'est sûr.
32
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,290
Il a dû dire : "À demain, champion."
33
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,130
Le lendemain,
le bureau de Lorne Michaels m'appelle.
34
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:17,220
C'était inquiétant. En un an au SNL
ils ne m'avaient jamais appelé.
35
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Je me dis : "Merde !"
Je réponds et ils me disent
36
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
que Louis vient de sortir
du bureau de Lorne, qu'il a parlé de moi
37
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
et que Lorne veut me parler.
Je me dis : "Oh, putain !
38
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Voilà, je vais me faire virer."
39
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
C'est ce que je me dis.
J'essaie de me blinder.
40
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,410
Je commence à me dire :
"C'est eux qui ont l'air con.
41
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:44,622
Ils t'ont engagé, puis viré.
Ils se sont plantés deux fois.
42
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:49,669
Si tu te cassais discrètement,
personne ne le remarquerait."
43
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Donc en me dirigeant vers son bureau
j'essaie de relativiser.
44
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
J'ouvre la porte et je vois Lorne.
45
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Il a l'air perdu.
46
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
Tout comme moi,
parce que c'est la tronche que j'ai.
47
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,189
Comme si on m'avait demandé
de faire une division.
48
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Bref, il a l'air perdu.
Il me dit de m'asseoir.
49
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
Je m'assieds et il me dit : "Alors...
50
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis est venu nous dire
que tu fumais de l'herbe."
51
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Je réponds : "Oui,
52
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
les rumeurs que tu as entendues
sont avérées."
53
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:46,434
Je vois à son regard qu'il est désarmé,
qu'il ne sait plus quoi dire, à part :
54
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:51,522
"Navré qu'on doive parler de ça,
mais Louis m'a demandé de te parler.
55
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
Moi, je ne trouve pas ça grave.
56
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,278
Ici, on sniffait de la coke.
Tu es plutôt une baltringue.
57
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Navré qu'on doive parler de ça."
58
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:04,827
Je l'ai lu dans son regard.
Le mien disait : "C'est clair, poto."
59
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,165
C'était un peu gênant,
puis il y a eu un silence,
60
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:14,712
puis il m'a dit : "Bon, ce qu'il faudrait,
61
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
comme tu fumes beaucoup d'herbe,
62
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
c'est que tu surveilles
la quantité d'herbe que tu fumes."
63
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,556
J'ai répondu : "Ok, je surveille."
64
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,521
"Je ne la quitterai pas des yeux.
T'inquiète, je suis un homme de parole."
65
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
Il me dit : "Voilà."
66
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
"Vraiment navré
d'avoir cette conversation avec toi,
67
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,989
mais Louis m'a dit
que tu allais gâcher ta carrière.
68
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,618
Tu as fumé tellement d'herbe
l'autre jour que ça l'a mis mal à l'aise."
69
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
- "Oh, putain, à ce point ?"
- "Oui."
70
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
Je lui demande : "Donc tu me vires ?"
71
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
Il me répond : "Non."
72
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:57,755
Et moi : "Pourquoi ?"
Et lui : "J'en sais rien."
73
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
C'est une conversation
qu'on a tous les ans :
74
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:08,808
- "Cette année ?"
- "Je sais pas. Non. On verra bien."
75
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:19,736
Ça m'a tué. Je suis sorti du bureau
sachant que Louis CK ne m'aimait pas.
76
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,488
Un des meilleurs humoristes
de tous les temps.
77
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:25,950
Surtout, à l'époque, un des...
78
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Ça m'a tué. Pourquoi faire du stand-up
79
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
si ce type ne m'aimait pas ?
Je voulais son approbation.
80
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
"Ce mec ne m'aime pas
parce que je fume de l'herbe ?"
81
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Ça craint.
82
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
J'ai dû ruminer ça pendant cinq ans.
83
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Et puis, par une matinée sublime...
84
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
À mon réveil,
85
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
je lis que Louis CK se branle
devant des femmes,
86
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
et je fais : "Ouais !"
87
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Vous me comprenez.
Je ne voulais pas que ça arrive,
88
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
mais tant qu'à faire,
autant que ce soit à lui. Vous voyez ?
89
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
D'accord.
90
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Non, mais...
91
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Je vais vous dire comme c'est dingue
de se branler seul, d'accord ?
92
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Suivez-moi, un petit instant.
93
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Ça va ?
94
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Vous savez, se branler seul,
c'est hyper chelou...
95
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
On se branle, ça s'éternise
on n'arrive pas à se faire jouir
96
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:33,017
et on se dit : "Putain, t'es trop nul.
Tu n'arrives même pas à te pécho.
97
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,562
Tu crois que quelqu'un d'autre
voudrait te pécho ?"
98
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:42,110
Vous vous êtes déjà vu dans le miroir ?
Ça m'est arrivé parce que je suis con.
99
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,488
Ça n'arrivera plus.
Maintenant je me branle dans le noir.
100
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
C'est vrai.
101
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:51,536
Téléphone à l'envers. Si on reçoit un SMS
ça éclaire le miroir
102
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:55,540
et on se voit se branler.
Avec "SMS de maman" en haut de l'écran.
103
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Se branler après un SMS de maman ?
C'est presque impossible.
104
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:05,883
Pas impossible, mais presque.
Un des trucs les plus durs que j'aie fait.
105
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Mais ça m'a foutu le cafard
d'apprendre ça.
106
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,018
J'ai eu de la peine pour celles
devant qui il s'était branlé.
107
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
C'est hyper triste, ça les a traumatisées.
108
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:24,068
Si seulement elles avaient su
que quand Louis commençait à se branler
109
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:28,281
il aurait suffi d'allumer un bédo
pour qu'il dise : "De l'herbe ?
110
00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:33,953
Putain, c'est dégueulasse !
Je vais le dire. Sales raclures, putain !
111
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Tu vas gâcher ta carrière."
112
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Mon ami, que j'entretiens financièrement,
a eu un enfant,
113
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,138
donc je suis papa.
114
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Je n'étais pas tout à fait prêt.
115
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Il m'a appelé, hyper content :
"Mon pote, grande nouvelle."
116
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:05,151
- J'ai dit : "Tu as trouvé du boulot ?"
- "Non, j'ai eu un enfant."
117
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
J'ai répondu :
"C'est tout le contraire d'un boulot."
118
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
J'ai trop hâte d'avoir un enfant.
119
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Je ne pense pas que ce soit très dur.
Tous mes amis en font
120
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
et ce dont ils se plaignent
ne me dérange pas trop.
121
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Ils se plaignent tous des mêmes choses.
"Il pleure."
122
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Je leur dis :
"Eh bien alors, change de pièce."
123
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,723
Tout le monde pleure.
On essaie d'y remédier et on s'en va.
124
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,808
Je pleure tout le temps. Mes amis disent :
125
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,562
"Je vais travailler.
Je sais pas. Démerde-toi. Déconnecte-toi."
126
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,402
Voilà, il pleure et ils disent aussi :
127
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
"Il chie tout le temps."
Ça ne me dérange pas non plus,
128
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
parce que, vous savez, moi aussi.
129
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Ça ne me fait rien de nettoyer
à plus petite échelle.
130
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Et quand on nettoie un enfant,
on voit des recoins
131
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
qu'on pourrait négliger sur soi-même.
132
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
"Je n'avais jamais vu mon trou du cul
sous cet angle.
133
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Je penserai à m'éponger là
en sortant de la douche."
134
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
On sort de la douche :
135
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,933
"Eh merde !"
136
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,732
J'adore le baby-sitting.
137
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,902
Je microdose des champis,
donc je parle bébé.
138
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Oui, j'adore. Ils parlent, vous savez ?
139
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:39,829
L'autre jour, mon neveu a dit : "Bluah".
J'ai dit : "Enquêtes impossibles. Pigé."
140
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,711
Les champis, c'est génial.
C'est comme des montagnes russes
141
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
qui ne font que monter
sans jamais redescendre.
142
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,675
Ça va dans un seul sens :
"C'est trop l'éclate !
143
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:56,929
C'est génial ! J'en reviens pas
qu'on fasse ça ! Mon Dieu..."
144
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,389
Pendant quatre heures.
145
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Il s'est passé
un truc bizarre l'autre jour.
146
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
J'ai un ami dont le fils fait ses dents.
147
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
On regardait Enquêtes impossibles.
148
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
J'étais là et lui faisait ses dents.
149
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
Il m'a attrapé la main
et a commencé à me sucer les doigts,
150
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,832
mais c'était hyper bon.
151
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
J'avoue...
152
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
je lui ai laissés une seconde ou deux.
153
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
"Non ! Ouah ! Mais non !"
154
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,062
C'est une blague qui divise.
155
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Ce n'est pas la première fois.
156
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
C'est chelou, ce genre de blague,
mais on est dans un comedy club.
157
00:10:56,989 --> 00:11:00,076
Ce serait glauque, par exemple,
en conseil municipal.
158
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:04,121
Si je prenais le micro :
"Voici quelques unes de mes idées.
159
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
Bon, je vais distribuer des badges."
160
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,425
Les filles devraient dire aux mecs
comment les faire jouir.
161
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Avant de coucher ensemble
la première fois. Un genre de briefing.
162
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Apparemment, chaque fille est différente,
c'est ce que je me dis.
163
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,111
Chacune est différente
et une est morte à l'intérieur.
164
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,407
"Non, tu es cassée, c'est tout."
165
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,993
Je vous assure.
166
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
On dit parfois
des choses qui font ricaner.
167
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Elles doivent dire
comment les faire jouir.
168
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Pas une fois installés.
169
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,345
Vous ne voulez pas vexer le mec,
mais c'est bon.
170
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:07,643
On peut être en train de baiser,
si vous dites : "Je déteste ça", on dira :
171
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"Et comme ça ? Très bien, c'est oublié."
Comme s'il ne s'était rien passé.
172
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Il faut le dire au mec.
173
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Pour les mecs, ça m'a l'air assez évident.
174
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
On tire dessus
et ça balance des trucs, non ?
175
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,117
Hyper facile. Mon fils pourrait le faire.
176
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Apparemment, ce n'est pas dur
de faire jouir une fille.
177
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,256
Si tu es en nage et essoufflé,
on me dit que tu t'es planté.
178
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Mais tout ce que je sais
me vient du porno.
179
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
En grandissant,
je n'avais que ma mère et ma sœur.
180
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
On n'en a jamais parlé.
181
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Je ne me suis jamais senti
de leur demander :
182
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:55,566
"Dites-moi, si on n'était pas mère et fils
ou frère et sœur..."
183
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Donc j'ai tout appris du porno
184
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
où c'est surtout des mouvements,
des cris et...
185
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
de temps en temps on la sort
pour se regonfler
186
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
et puis on y retourne. Désolé.
187
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Je ne savais pas grand-chose,
mais par chance une femme m'a expliqué.
188
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
Le vagin a un petit truc.
189
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:30,142
C'est comme... Vous voyez, à la boxe ?
Ça ressemble au truc qu'ils ont comme ça.
190
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Le speed bag.
191
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:40,736
Les mecs y vont lentement ou assez vite
et le vagin ce serait pareil. Vous voyez ?
192
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
On tapote ce petit truc très doucement...
193
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,619
ou on y va à fond.
Je crois qu'il n'y a que ces deux options.
194
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Même pas besoin de se changer.
195
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Vraiment. Il faut le dire au mec.
196
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Je l'ai dit, pour les mecs c'est évident,
197
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:05,427
mais si on me tabassait la bite,
je ne dirais pas :
198
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,305
"Putain !
Pourvu qu'elle finisse par comprendre.
199
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:13,894
Aïe, c'est la guerre."
200
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:21,193
Je dirais : "Qui t'envoie ? C'est quoi ?
Une tentative de meurtre ?"
201
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Voici un truc qui ne plaît à aucun mec,
mais on a peur de le dire à la fille,
202
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
parce qu'on est à ça de baiser...
203
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Il n'y a pas tant de mots que ça
pour en parler,
204
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,755
alors "baiser" est le plus approprié...
205
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Ça va passer sur Nickelodeon.
206
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Oui. C'est pour ça que je suis en costume.
D'habitude, je n'en porte pas.
207
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,142
Je m'habille
comme si j'allais recevoir du slime.
208
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:03,861
J'ai trouvé une gentille vendeuse
chez Banana Republic, donc j'assure.
209
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,782
On dirait une femme divorcée
qui se ressaisit enfin.
210
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Ne reviens pas.
211
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,375
J'ai un répertoire."
212
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Donc, le truc qui ne plaît à aucun mec.
213
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Quand la fille est sur le mec
et qu'elle va se fourrer la bite...
214
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Là encore, ce n'est pas
la meilleure façon de le dire,
215
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:38,979
mais j'ai essayé cinq autres formules.
"Se fourrer la bite" gagne haut la main.
216
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,859
Alors imaginez un peu les quatre autres.
217
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,320
Ça va tout de suite mieux.
218
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Quand la fille est sur le point
de s'empaler dessus...
219
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Vous voyez ?
220
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
C'est ce que je disais.
221
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,582
Quand vous êtes
sur le point de vous fourrer la bite...
222
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:05,464
Souvent, les filles glissent sur la bite
avant de se la mettre
223
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:07,841
et disent : "Ça te plaît ?"
224
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Pas du tout. Ça fait hyper mal, putain !
Arrêtez de faire ça, par pitié.
225
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Mettez-la, ça suffit.
226
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Ça fait trop mal.
227
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:22,815
Ça fait mal, que vous soyez rasée ou pas.
De toute façon, vous piquez.
228
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Vous frottez ça
sur nos petites bites sans défense.
229
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Ça fait mal.
230
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
"Tu aimes ça ?"
231
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"On t'a déjà fait une brûlure indienne ?
C'est pareil.
232
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:39,081
Comme l'ami tordu de ta mère
qui faisait ça quand elle était absente."
233
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,752
Vous voyez de quel genre d'ami je parle ?
234
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,757
Il disait : "Petit.
Tu as déjà eu une brûlure indienne ?"
235
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
Toi : "Non."
236
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,220
Au début, tu disais : "Cool !"
Puis : "Arrête, monsieur !"
237
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Ça ne plaît à aucun mec, d'accord ?
238
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
C'est très désagréable.
Comme du papier de verre.
239
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Les filles ne le voient pas.
240
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
On fait la même tête
qu'on prenne du plaisir ou qu'on souffre.
241
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Dans les deux cas...
Alors j'imagine que...
242
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Mais ça fait hyper mal
243
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
et tu te retrouves avec la bite gercée
244
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
et complètement déchirée
et le lendemain matin,
245
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,507
tu te dis : "C'est quoi, ce bordel ?"
246
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
J'ai choppé une nouvelle MST
qui se déclare en moins de 24 heures ?"
247
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Je vais chez le médecin : "C'est quoi ?"
248
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,267
Il me répond : "Apprends à baiser."
249
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,227
Et moi : "Quoi ?"
250
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,816
Les toubibs de Staten Island
sont particuliers.
251
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
J'ai beaucoup d'amis gay.
252
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,705
J'aime mes potes gay car je doute
qu'il existe de relation plus sincère
253
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:06,418
qu'entre un mec gay et un mec hétéro,
vu qu'il n'y a rien à gagner.
254
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
C'est de la sincérité pure.
255
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
Les gays sont les gens les plus sincères
au monde,
256
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
mais ils sont vaches...
257
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Sincères, c'est vrai,
mais ils sont surtout vaches.
258
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Voici un exemple.
259
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,603
Je sortais de chez ma mère...
C'est aussi chez moi.
260
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,148
Je vous emmerde.
Je n'ai pas à me justifier.
261
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,192
J'assume très bien ma situation.
262
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
J'adore habiter avec ma mère.
J'habite au sous-sol.
263
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
C'est un appartement...
264
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
Il y a le rez-de-chaussée,
qu'on appelle les parties communes...
265
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,506
parce qu'on est colocs.
266
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:59,221
J'ai ma propre porte d'entrée,
avec écrit "Entrée de Pete".
267
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
C'est vrai.
268
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,017
Trop cool. J'ai des tonnes de bonbecs.
269
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Marrez-vous, mais je ne laisse entrer
que les gens cool. Croyez-moi.
270
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Ma mère doit frapper.
271
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Elle ne débarque jamais comme ça.
Elle frappe toujours.
272
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
Bref, voilà.
273
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,668
Les filles avec lesquelles je sors
ont toujours plein d'amis gays.
274
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:33,463
Mais il y en a toujours un
qui ne m'a pas l'air gay du tout.
275
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:38,802
Les filles se marrent.
Les mecs : "Ouais, Kyle. Quel connard.
276
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,306
Je le déteste. Je ne peux rien dire,
mais j'aimerais bien."
277
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Si vous ne voyez pas,
c'est celui qui fait dire à votre mec :
278
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:53,775
"C'est qui, ce Kyle ?
Ce mec qui traîne toujours avec toi."
279
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
La copine a toujours la même réponse :
"Qui, lui ? Kyle ?"
280
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:02,117
Et le mec : "Oui, c'est qui ce gars-là ?
Qu'est-ce qui se passe ?"
281
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
La copine dit :
"Oh, arrête un peu ! Il est gay."
282
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
Et le mec : "Ça a été confirmé ?
283
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
La rue est au courant
que ce mec est gay ?"
284
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:17,341
Et la copine répond toujours :
"Mais tout le monde le sait."
285
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
Et le mec : "Pas lui, tu vois ?
286
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
J'en suis pas sûr.
Je t'ai à l'œil, Kyle ! D'accord ?"
287
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
Les soirées pyjama...
288
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:30,229
Tu détestes les chattes ?
Pourquoi te blottir contre elles ?
289
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
Tu ne me verras jamais câliner
des amendes de stationnement.
290
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,614
Deux choses différentes, oui,
mais je me comprends.
291
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Je ne pige pas.
292
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:50,249
Il y a un certain type de gay
que j'appelle les tripoteurs.
293
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,546
Il n'y a pas de règles pour les mecs gays.
Ils font ce qu'ils veulent.
294
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
C'est taré, putain.
295
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Tant mieux pour vous,
mais c'est quand même énorme.
296
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
C'est vrai !
Chez les mecs gay, il y a les tripoteurs.
297
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Le genre de mec homo
qui va voir ta copine,
298
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,437
lui pelote les nichons
et lui claque le cul
299
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,023
en lui disant : "Ma belle, t'es superbe !"
300
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Ça ne m'amuse pas du tout, putain. Désolé.
301
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Je suis à fond pour la gay attitude,
aucun rapport.
302
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Moi je dois trimer
pour arriver à toucher des nichons...
303
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,500
Tu sais combien d'anniversaires
j'ai ratés, combien d'amis j'ai perdus ?
304
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,462
Combien de Noëls passés dans l'Ohio...
305
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:42,509
Et tu claques des culs
grâce à un flou juridique ? C'est injuste.
306
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Sous tes yeux.
Il arrive, lui claque le cul, ricane.
307
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:52,561
Tout ça parce qu'il peut le faire.
Je ne ferais jamais ça.
308
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,522
Je n'irais jamais tirer
sur la bite de son mec :
309
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:58,191
"Canon, Gary !
Même si c'est pas mon truc !
310
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Pourquoi ?
311
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,869
Ben quoi ? Je suis hétéro."
312
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Les règles ne s'appliquent qu'à certains,
je ne saisis pas.
313
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Ça n'a aucun sens pour moi.
314
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,510
Mais je ne peux rien faire,
j'ai déjà imaginé la baston,
315
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,764
comme beaucoup d'entre vous,
et ça ne marche jamais.
316
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Je perds toujours.
317
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Je le vois lui claquer le cul,
lui peloter les nichons
318
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
et danser en ricanant.
319
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
Je dis : "Kyle, c'est quoi ce bordel ?"
320
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,614
Et Kyle choisit ce jour-là
pour faire son coming out : "Je suis gay."
321
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Et voilà. Il a gagné.
C'est la baston dans son intégralité.
322
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Autant lui dire :
"Désolé, tu peux reprendre.
323
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,417
Doucement ou à fond, il paraît."
324
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
C'est bizarre, ça ne marche que...
325
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
dans le sens mec gay, fille hétéro.
326
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
D'aucune autre façon.
327
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Pas dans le sens mec hétéro, fille gay.
328
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:16,686
Je ne pelote pas une lesbienne en disant :
"C'est rien. On déteste tout les deux ça."
329
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,572
J'ai souvent des ennuis.
330
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
On m'a fait m'arrêter en venant ici.
331
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
Dans cette situation,
qui a déjà mis du Billy Joel ?
332
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
En se disant que le policier va dire :
333
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:42,003
"Permis... Billy Joel ! C'est bon, file !
Tu n'es pas une merde.
334
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Je m'attendais à du 2 Chainz."
335
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,970
C'est encore pire quand ça ne marche pas.
336
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:55,517
"Permis de conduire et carte grise...
Vous voulez bien couper Bill Withers ?"
337
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
J'ai souvent des ennuis.
338
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
J'en ai eu l'an dernier
pour avoir fait des blagues
339
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
où je me moquais d'un certain monsieur,
340
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
un homme politique
qui porte un patch à l'œil. Dan Crenshaw.
341
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Je ne pensais pas être en tort.
342
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:20,250
Mes paroles ont été déformées
pour qu'un mec devienne célèbre.
343
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:27,340
C'est à peu près ça. J'aimerais...
Je ne suis pas sur Twitter.
344
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:32,012
Je ne peux pas m'expliquer
à chaque problème. J'ai pensé :
345
00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:35,765
"Je vais enregistrer un spectacle
et en parler à tout le monde.
346
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:38,560
Comme je n'ai pas le droit d'aller
sur le Net."
347
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,939
Je suis sûr que si je vais sur Internet,
j'irai en prison.
348
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Je me suis moqué de ce mec
qui a un patch à l'œil
349
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
et puis on m'a plus ou moins obligé
à m'excuser.
350
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:55,118
Il y avait des gens qui menaçaient
de me tirer une balle dans la tronche,
351
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
mais malheureusement,
je n'ai pas décroché.
352
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
C'est ma coloc qui a décroché...
353
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
Elle n'a pas apprécié.
354
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
Et ma coloc m'a dit qu'il fallait
que je m'excuse
355
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
pour qu'on ne me descende pas.
356
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:19,351
Alors... voilà ce qui s'est passé.
Je l'ai dit, je suis très limité sur SNL.
357
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Je ne sais pas si vous l'avez vu.
358
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Sûrement pas, mais je ne peux faire
que très peu de choses, vous voyez ?
359
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,280
On là était à se demander :
"Qu'est-ce que tu pourrais faire, putain ?
360
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660
Tu fais partie de la roast family, non ?
Tu fais des roasts."
361
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
J'ai dit : "Bien sûr. Ça existe.
La roast family, d'accord."
362
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,627
Ils m'ont dit : "Tu n'as qu'à en faire un
sur des hommes politiques."
363
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:49,047
Je me suis dit : "Génial !
De quoi rester six épisodes de plus."
364
00:25:49,130 --> 00:25:50,757
J'étais à fond pour.
365
00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:55,929
C'est les mêmes règles que dans 8 Mile,
le roast.
366
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Tu te moques de toi-même
et puis de tous les autres.
367
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
J'avais une grande feuille de papier
avec plein de visages
368
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
et j'écrivais des vannes.
369
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Ce type, cette femme...
370
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
Voilà que j'en arrive à Dan Crenshaw.
371
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
Il porte un patch.
372
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
Je me dis :
"Lui, obligé, il a le sens de l'humour."
373
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Il porte un cache-œil.
374
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:24,499
Quand on perd un œil,
il y a trois autres options avant ça.
375
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:26,293
Je ne joue pas les connards.
376
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Il y a l'œil de verre,
l'œil de verre avec des lunettes,
377
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
les lunettes noires
et le cache-œil, pas vrai ?
378
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,510
J'ai pensé : "Ce mec est drôle.
379
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Il a conscience de son image."
380
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Je me suis dit que j'allais écrire
une vanne inoffensive.
381
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Vous voyez ? Et j'ai pensé :
382
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"On dirait un tueur à gages
dans un porno."
383
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Une vanne du Saturday Night Live
sans conséquence.
384
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,573
De quoi faire "Ha, ha, ha. Arrêt suivant."
385
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:59,200
C'était moi dans un taxi.
386
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,329
C'est là où ça passe.
387
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
On va couper ça.
388
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Aucun problème. On coupe.
On se remet à baiser.
389
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Il ne s'est rien passé.
390
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,182
J'ai toujours voulu faire ça.
391
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Bravo d'avoir baisé.
392
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,562
Merci d'avoir remis "lecture".
393
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Désolé...
394
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
J'ai toujours voulu que ça arrive
quand je regarde Netflix.
395
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Alors, c'était comment ? Cool ?
396
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,541
Aussi bien que tu l'imaginais ?
Je l'espère.
397
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:56,132
Ça devait être bon pour faire pause
quand je parle de Crenshaw, enfoiré.
398
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,555
On s'éclate. Non, désolé.
399
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Je ne... C'est bon.
400
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
J'ai écrit une petite vanne, genre :
401
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"On dirait
un tueur à gages dans un porno."
402
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Je n'y ai même pas réfléchi.
403
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Et là, d'un coup.
404
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:22,033
Juste avant de faire la rubrique "Update",
un des potes qui m'a aidé à écrire dit :
405
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"J'ai fait des recherches."
406
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
- "Tu viens de les faire à l'instant ?"
- "Oui."
407
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Ils attendent la dernière minute.
408
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:36,840
Il me dit : "Ce mec, Dan Crenshaw,
il a perdu son œil, genre, à la guerre."
409
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
"Quoi ?" Et là : "Pete, sur le plateau."
410
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,221
Je me suis dit : "Putain !"
Lui : "Tu vas assurer.
411
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
C'est toi qu'on voit, pas moi."
412
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:54,357
J'essaie d'être délicat, ce qui est dur,
car je suis tout le temps sous champis.
413
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Alors être délicat,
il n'y a rien de plus dur.
414
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Vous savez ? Délicat sans être prévenu.
415
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:10,081
Merci aux 12 personnes qui ont compris ça.
416
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,461
La vanne tordue.
417
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Ils en filent à tout le monde sur Netflix.
418
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Vous avez encore baisé ? C'est génial.
419
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:27,640
Merci encore d'être revenus. Ça me touche.
420
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Ça devait être bon. C'est super.
421
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:35,148
Mais sérieux,
pendant le truc sur Crenshaw ?
422
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:44,449
J'en profite avec vous, moi aussi
c'est la première fois que je l'entends.
423
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
J'arrive sur le plateau...
424
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:52,165
Mon pote dit qu'il a perdu l'œil
à la guerre,
425
00:29:52,248 --> 00:29:54,876
alors je me dis qu'il faut être délicat.
426
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Je dois m'excuser après la vanne.
427
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Anticiper la réaction.
428
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:04,511
Alors j'y vais et je m'excuse bien.
Je m'en souviens très bien.
429
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Je n'oublierai jamais ce que j'ai dit.
430
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
"Dan Crenshaw. On dirait
un tueur à gages dans un porno, non ?"
431
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Ça me vaut des putains de rires médiocres.
432
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Et juste après, je dis :
433
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Désolé. Il a perdu son œil à la guerre,
un truc comme ça."
434
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:24,030
J'ai dit "un truc comme ça"
et on m'a dit : "Tu détestes l'Amérique !"
435
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
"Je ne voulais pas me tromper
sur les circonstances."
436
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,622
C'est un crime ?
Il a pu le perdre à la guerre ou...
437
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:38,044
J'en sais rien, peut-être en Afghanistan,
ou en se faisant un sandwich. Aucune idée.
438
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Désolé de ne pas avoir de fiches
sur Dan Crenshaw
439
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
avec toutes ses statistiques.
440
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Désolé. C'est une expression.
441
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
J'essayais d'être délicat, vous savez ?
442
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,183
Le général Patton,
l'un de nos plus grands héros,
443
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
mort en Allemagne juste après la guerre
dans un accident de voiture.
444
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Mais quand on parle du grand Patton,
445
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,694
on dit qu'il est mort à la guerre,
un truc comme ça.
446
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
C'est plus facile à dire que :
447
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"Il a gagné la guerre
et puis il s'est planté dans un virage."
448
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
C'est une expression.
Je ne déteste pas l'Amérique.
449
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:20,253
Ce que je n'aime pas entendre c'est :
"C'est ta faute s'il a gagné." C'est faux.
450
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:26,092
La plupart des gens avaient déjà voté
et un républicain avec un patch au Texas,
451
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
c'était de toute façon gagné d'avance.
452
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
J'aurais pu le dire.
453
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
Au Texas,
je suis sûr qu'ils n'ont que des photos.
454
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,687
Ils votent comme ça.
455
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:48,197
Vous voyez ? Je ne l'ai pas fait gagner.
C'est la faute de l'Amérique.
456
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,490
Ok ? Tout comme ça.
457
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Ça va. Tu vois ?
Je n'ai rien fait pour lui.
458
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:59,000
La seule chose dont je m'excuse,
c'est de l'avoir rendu célèbre.
459
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
Son nom est connu pour rien.
460
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
J'ai fait
ce qu'Ariana Grande a fait pour moi.
461
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
J'ai sucé sa bite au SNL.
462
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Je n'allais pas faire de vannes là-dessus,
mais mon pote m'a dit :
463
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"J'ai entendu qu'Ariana avait dit
ne pas savoir qui tu étais,
464
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
qu'elle était sortie avec toi
pour se distraire."
465
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Donc je pense pouvoir me le permettre.
466
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,659
N'applaudissez pas. Ce n'est pas
un concert Drake vs Lil Wayne.
467
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Ce n'est pas une compétition.
468
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Elle a ses chansons et moi j'ai ça.
469
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
C'est tout, d'accord ?
470
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Vous allez me dire :
"Pete, tu règles tes comptes en public.
471
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Où a-t-elle dit ça ?
472
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
À ses amis, chez elle dans l'intimité ?"
473
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Non, en couverture du magazine Vogue.
474
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:04,816
Vous imaginez si je faisais ça ?
Ma carrière serait terminée le lendemain.
475
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:09,696
Si je me maquillais en marron,
que j'apparaissais en couverture de Vogue
476
00:33:09,779 --> 00:33:13,116
et que je chiais sur mon ex,
vous imaginez ?
477
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
N'applaudissez pas.
On dirait Drake vs Lil Wayne.
478
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,455
Je n'aime pas ça. J'aime les rires.
Ce ne sont que des blagues.
479
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Vous imaginez ?
480
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:26,921
"Je la baisais parce que je m'ennuyais
mais Fortnite est sorti." Ce serait fou.
481
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
"Pete, il a dû lui arriver quelque chose ?
Il y a eu des répercussions, non ?"
482
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Elle a été élue femme de l'année
par Billboard.
483
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
Moi, barstoolsports.com
m'a traité de "regard d'anus".
484
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Parfois, la vie est injuste.
485
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Ce sont des blagues.
Je ne veux pas de haine.
486
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,497
Ma pire crainte est de me prendre
une balle dans la nuque
487
00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:04,125
tirée par une fillette de neuf ans
488
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
et que les derniers mots que j'entende
soient "Hashtag canceled"
489
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
avant de me faire flinguer.
490
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Je ne veux pas
attiser la haine des gamines de neuf ans.
491
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
C'est une femme très puissante,
cette Ariana.
492
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
C'est une femme très puissante,
très intelligente.
493
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Il le faut,
pour arriver à gâcher Starbucks.
494
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
L'autre jour, j'y vais :
495
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
"Je voudrais un café moyen."
Le mec a fait...
496
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
"Merde ! Je vais chez Dunkin' Donuts.
497
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Pourquoi ils ferment tous ?
Je n'en trouve pas."
498
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
On me demande tout le temps :
"Comment c'était ?"
499
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,137
Comme n'importe quelle rupture,
mais tout le monde la voit.
500
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Mais c'est juste que je ne savais pas...
501
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Je savais à quoi m'attendre,
mais pas le coup de la photo.
502
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Si j'avais su,
j'aurais vu un dermatologue avant.
503
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
J'aurais pris les précautions nécessaires.
504
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
C'est comme toutes les ruptures.
Tes potes viennent te voir. Ils mentent.
505
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
"Mec, T'en fais pas.
Personne ne sait qui elle est.
506
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
C'est tant mieux, frère. Pas de souci."
507
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Et la chanson est sortie.
508
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
et mes amis disaient :
"Je t'aime, tu le sais ?
509
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
C'est accrocheur.
510
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Ça reste dans la tête.
Ça va être dur pendant huit mois. Désolé.
511
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Il se trouve
que cette chanson me plaît, désolé.
512
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Je t'aime bien, mais..."
513
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Mon grand-père m'a dit :
"C'est des bombes.
514
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, c'est des bombes. Je suis désolé.
515
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Une bonne chanson,
et ce n'est même pas mon genre."
516
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
J'ai dit : "J'ai pigé !"
517
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
C'est la seule chose qui m'a déplu,
518
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
les gens se trompent souvent.
519
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Ça ne m'a pas plu
qu'elle parle de ma bite.
520
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
J'ai trouvé ça bizarre.
521
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
"Ça n'a pas marché, mais belle bite."
522
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
J'ai trouvé ça bizarre,
car tout le monde a dit :
523
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
"Quelle gentille fille."
524
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
D'abord, prenons du recul.
Vous m'imaginez dire ça ?
525
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
"Désolé, ça n'a pas marché.
Mais super chatte !
526
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
Elle mouille trop bien !
527
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Super chatte, mais désolé."
528
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
N'importe quoi.
529
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
J'étais là...
530
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
C'est la seule chose.
531
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Ça ne m'a pas plu parce que c'est faux.
532
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Elle a de très petites mains.
533
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Des mains minuscules.
534
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Tout lui semble énorme.
535
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
On en blaguait tout le temps.
536
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
"Énorme pour toi,
mais petite pour les autres. Génial !"
537
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Vous voyez ?
538
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Vous vous demandez pourquoi,
connaissant cette information,
539
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
aller parler à tout le monde
de mon formidable pénis ?
540
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Pourquoi faire ça ?
Vu de l'extérieur, on se dit :
541
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"C'est gentil. Ça n'a pas marché.
Elle lui fait un compliment.
542
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:36,337
Elle parle de son beau pénis."
Ce n'est pas pour ça.
543
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Si elle a fait ça...
544
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
C'est un génie. Ne l'oubliez pas.
Elle est brillante.
545
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Pour que toutes les filles voyant ma bite,
pour le restant des mes jours
546
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
soient déçues.
547
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
C'est du génie !
548
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Loser pour la vie.
549
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
C'est cadeau.
550
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
Je n'ai même pas profité
de mon été de la grosse bite.
551
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Arrêtez, j'ai une famille qui lit.
Ça suffit.
552
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Ma pauvre mère.
553
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Bref, quelques blagues sur le 11 Septembre
et je m'arrache.
554
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Ça vous va ?
555
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Le seul moment
où je laisse applaudir le 11 Septembre.
556
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Mon père est mort pendant le 11 Septembre.
557
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
On m'a dit de l'expliquer
avant de faire ces blagues,
558
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
car certains ne le savent pas.
559
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:39,025
Je ne suis pas d'accord,
car ça crée un malaise.
560
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
J'ai gagné. J'avais raison.
561
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Quand ton père meurt et qu'il travaille
pour l'État ou le gouvernement...
562
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
C'était un pompier.
563
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Parfois,
ta famille reçoit un peu d'argent.
564
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Pas beaucoup. Un peu. Alors...
565
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
Je me souviens de ma mère,
566
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,591
pour nous consoler, ma sœur et moi,
567
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
elle a voulu acheter une piscine
avec cet argent.
568
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Elle s'est dit que comme ça
569
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
les gens voudraient être nos amis
et viendraient s'y baigner.
570
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
C'est macabre.
571
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,234
Le bassin de la mort.
572
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
C'est une bonne idée,
573
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
mais chaque boulet de canon
laisse un goût bizarre.
574
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Tous les jours, longueur après longueur :
"Ça compense ?"
575
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Je me souviens
que ma mère nous avait payé ça.
576
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
J'avais sept ans quand mon père est mort.
Un môme ne comprend pas.
577
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Il ne sait pas ce qui se passe.
578
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Je me souviens des enfants à l'école
qui disaient :
579
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Trop de chance. Tu es riche.
Tu as une piscine."
580
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:04,735
"Oui. J'ai la chance d'avoir une piscine
que je remplis de larmes chaque été.
581
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Tu sais que tu es riche
quand tu peux nager dans ta tristesse.
582
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Heureusement que Ben Laden
a entendu son réveil,
583
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:14,078
sinon je n'aurais pas de piscine !
584
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Désolé. Je t'en prie, tu peux venir."
585
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
On garde ça, Jason. Je m'en fous.
586
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:29,718
Bref, j'ai tourné un truc
sur mon père cet été.
587
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:35,933
J'ai dû faire des recherches sur mon père
et j'ai rencontré ses amis.
588
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:40,104
Je suis de Staten Island, mon père aussi,
donc ses amis sont comme moi.
589
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
Le rebut de l'humanité.
590
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Des ordures, littéralement.
591
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
On est connus pour avoir
la plus grande décharge d'ordures
592
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
que l'on puisse voir depuis l'espace.
593
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
C'est ce que le taxi dit
en arrivant à Staten Island.
594
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"Ce lieu a la plus grande des décharges."
595
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:01,375
Pas : "Regardez l'arbre !"
596
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
"Et la décharge ? Qu'en ont-ils fait ?"
597
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
Ils ont construit un parc.
598
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
"Ils se sont débarrassés des ordures ?"
599
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Non. Ils ont construit
un putain de parc dessus.
600
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:24,106
Dans dix ans, quand ça se dégradera,
les enfants s'empaleront sur des Honda.
601
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
J'essaie de vous expliquer
les gens de Staten Island.
602
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Ce n'est pas un bon exemple.
603
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
C'est comme si on jetait
une Marlboro rouge dans la baignoire
604
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
et qu'elle prenait vie.
605
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:48,380
C'est comme ça, un mec de Staten Island.
606
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Bref, j'ai dû aller voir ses amis.
607
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Mais les histoires que je connaissais
sur mon père dataient des mes sept ans.
608
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:04,897
Les histoires qu'ils racontaient
étaient très différentes des précédentes.
609
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Je ne connais même pas ce mec.
Je vais vous donner un exemple.
610
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:14,365
Petit, les amis de mon père me disaient :
"Ton père assurait, tu sais ?
611
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
On jouait au basket
et on faisait nos devoirs.
612
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:21,163
Il finissait toujours son assiette.
613
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Il la finissait toujours !
614
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Finis-la !
615
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Pourquoi ?
616
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
J'ai compris...
617
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
Si c'est si difficile
de finir son assiette à sept ans,
618
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:41,100
c'est qu'on nous sert des parts d'adultes
alors qu'on fait un tiers de leur taille.
619
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:45,104
Arrivés au tiers, on est pleins
et crier "Mange !" n'aide en rien.
620
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Ça fait grossir tout le monde.
621
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Ma mère disait :
"Il y a des enfants affamés en Afrique."
622
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
C'était sa phrase pour me pousser à tout.
623
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,824
Je disais : "Certes.
624
00:42:56,907 --> 00:43:01,036
Mais si un enfant d'Afrique mangeait ça,
il dirait : "Je n'ai plus faim."
625
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
La moitié d'entre se dit : "C'est drôle"
626
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
et l'autre :
"Je ne sais pas si tu peux faire ça."
627
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,258
On vérifiera sur Twitter, le juge suprême.
628
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,429
Twitter est le nouveau saint Pierre.
629
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,890
Ils décident de l'avenir de tous.
630
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Bref,
je suis allé voir les amis de mon père :
631
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
"Raconte-moi des histoires sur mon père."
632
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"On prenait de la coke tout le temps !"
633
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
"Quoi ?"
634
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
"Pardon. Je ne devais pas te le dire ?"
635
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
"Non, c'est cool.
Je ne m'attendais pas à ça.
636
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
En grandissant, on me racontait
qu'il jouait toujours au basket,
637
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
faisait ses devoirs
et finissait son assiette.
638
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Le troisième s'applique encore."
639
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
"Désolé. Je dois te protéger ?
640
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
J'en ai trop dit ?"
J'ai dit : "Non.
641
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
J'ai toujours cru que mon père
était un héros,
642
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
je ne savais pas
que c'était un super-héros,
643
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
le mec le plus cool de tous les temps."
644
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Quel homme des années 90, qui sniffait
et éteignait des incendies. Une légende.
645
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,076
J'étais hyper fier.
646
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
Ça m'a fait sourire. C'est génial, non ?
647
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
Vous imaginez ? Votre maison brûle.
648
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,166
Un camion de pompiers arrive. Un gars sort
649
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,127
et dit : "Je gère la bouche d'incendie."
Un autre gars sort.
650
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
"Je vais sécuriser la zone,"
et mon père sort :
651
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"C'est parti, putain ! Pas de casque !"
652
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Merci.
653
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Bonne nuit. C'est gentil.
654
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
Merci d'être venus.
655
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Merci.
656
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
COMMENT GÉRER UN PÉNIS ÉNORME
657
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON COMPLET
658
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Le spectacle est fini,
mais j'aimerais raconter une histoire.
659
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
C'est une histoire que je veux raconter.
660
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
La seule autre histoire
que j'aie entendue sur mon père.
661
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:53,751
Je vais voir ce mec et je lui demande
des histoires sur mon père.
662
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
Il me parle de la coke.
Je lui demande d'autres histoires.
663
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
"J'en ai une de plus."
664
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
- "D'accord. D'accord."
- "Un jour..."
665
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:07,264
C'est comme ça qu'il parle.
Ne croyez pas que j'ai créé ce type.
666
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Ce serait la honte.
C'est comme ça qu'il parle.
667
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"Avec ton père on était dans les Poconos
pour un mariage."
668
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Les Poconos, les Bahamas beauf.
669
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:23,280
On y va pour sauver son mariage,
baiser dans une baignoire en cœur,
670
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
mettre une pièce dans le lit
pour qu'il vibre.
671
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
"Ça tremble, comme notre vie !"
672
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Il me dit : "On est dans les Poconos.
673
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
À un mariage.
674
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Je suis au mariage et on s'amuse bien.
675
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,176
On danse. On se déchire.
On se déchire à fond."
676
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Cool, mec de 1987.
677
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
Toujours fier d'être déchiré.
678
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
"Avec ton père, on est à ce mariage.
679
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
On partage une chambre ?
Une chambre dans les Poconos.
680
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
Je suis avec cette fille
et j'essaie d'aller la baiser, d'accord ?"
681
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Il répétait "d'accord"
comme si j'allais dire :
682
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
"Non, ce n'est pas comme ça
que ça s'est passé."
683
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Je n'ai jamais entendu ça. Oui.
684
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
"J'essaie de la baiser.
Je cherche ton père.
685
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Je regarde partout. 'Où es-tu, Scott ?'"
686
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:26,677
Il a fait ça comme ça,
il m'a joué la scène.
687
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
"Je me suis dit
qu'il baisait peut-être quelqu'un.
688
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Je retourne dans la chambre.
Ton père reste introuvable.
689
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Je suis avec cette fille
et on commence à baiser.
690
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
C'est dingue.
Je la prends dans tous les sens.
691
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Je la prends ici, je la prends là,
dans la salle de bain."
692
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
J'ai dit : "Et mon père, dans tout ça ?
J'ai l'impression que c'est juste
693
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
un souvenir ce cul hyper précis
que tu gardes depuis 1987."
694
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
"Ça vient. Je ne veux pas
que tu me prennes pour un tocard."
695
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
J'ai dit :
"Je sais que tu n'es pas un tocard."
696
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Il continue "On baise, d'accord ?
697
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Elle jouit, je jouis.
698
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Elle en premier, évidemment, et voilà.
699
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
On est là, allongés et...
700
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
Tout à coup, à l'autre bout de la pièce,
701
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
je vois une fraise de clope
allumée dans le noir.
702
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
J'allume la lumière. C'est ton père !
703
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
'Scott ! Je t'ai cherché partout !'
704
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
Et lui me dit : 'Merci pour le spectacle.'
705
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
Voilà, typique de ton père.
706
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
"C'est pas une histoire géniale ?"
707
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
J'ai dit : "Non !
708
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Tu ne la racontes à personne, j'espère ?
C'est l'horreur.
709
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
Cette fille est en vie ?
Je dois la retrouver et la payer.
710
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
C'est quoi, cette information, putain ?"
711
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Merci d'être venus. Bonne nuit. Merci.
712
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Sous-titres : Patrice Piquionne
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
אז לואי סי. קיי. ניסה לגרום לפיטורי
מ-"SNL" בשנה הראשונה שלי,
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
וזה הסיפור הזה.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
אז זה כאילו ב-2014 או 15,
וזאת תוכנית הסיום של SNL,
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
והייתי כל כך בהלם ושמח שלא פיטרו אותי,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
וזאת הרגשה שאני זוכה לחוות בכל שבוע.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
זה ממש מדהים.
אני עדיין לא מאמין. זה מצחיק מאוד.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
אז פשוט חגגתי.
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
לואי סי. קיי. הנחה, ובאותו זמן,
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
לואי סי. קיי. היה קומיקאי מכובד מאוד.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
כאילו, בזמנו. כן.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
בזמנו, הוא היה מישהו
שהיית מעריץ ושהיית רוצה באישורו,
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
בזמנו.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
בזמנו, הוא היה מישהו שרצית
שיהיה נחמד אליך.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
בכל אופן, אז הוא הנחה, ואני פשוט התרגשתי,
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
אז עישנתי ג'וינט
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
בחדר ההלבשה שלי,
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:03,772
וכשעזבתי כדי להיכנס למעליות,
18
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:07,400
לואי סי. קיי. היה, כאילו, במרכז ההתרחשות
19
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
מדבר עם כמה מהשחקנים והכותבים
20
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
והאנשים המגניבים,
וברור שהם היו בעיצומה של שיחה.
21
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
אז פשוט הייתי, "אני לא רוצה שום חלק מזה."
22
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
כאילו, אתם יודעים, אני מסטול.
אני לא רוצה להרוס למישהו.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
אני לא רוצה שהוא ידע שאני קיים.
24
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
אז פשוט חבשתי את הקפוצ'ון שלי,
והידקתי אותו על הראש,
25
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
והלכתי כל הדרך מסביב לצד השני של המעליות
26
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
כדי שלא אפריע בשום צורה.
27
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
אז אני לוחץ על הכפתור ואני מחכה שם,
28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:40,391
ופתאום, לואי סי. קיי. מפסיק את השיחה שלו.
הוא מסתכל ומצביע עליי ואומר,
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
"תראו כמה פיט מסטול, האידיוט המזוין הזה.
30
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,230
פשוט מתמסטל בעבודה. חתיכת טיפש.
31
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,816
אתה הולך לעשן
את הקריירה שלך לזבל. אידיוט."
32
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
והייתי כל כך מסטול,
שהייתי כאילו, "זה לא קרה."
33
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
הייתי כאילו, "לא...
34
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
לא."
35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,121
זה בטח בראש שלי, בטוח.
36
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,039
הוא בטח אמר, "נתראה מחר, אלוף."
37
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,332
אתם יודעים, אני בטח…
38
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,213
אז הלכתי לעבודה למחרת, וקיבלתי שיחת
טלפון מהמשרד של לורן מייקלס.
39
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
זה היה מדאיג כי הייתי שם כבר שנה,
40
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
ועדיין לא שמעתי מהמשרד שלו, עד היום.
41
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
אז הייתי, "אוי, שיט." אז עניתי לטלפון,
42
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
והם כאילו, "היי, לואי בדיוק עזב את המשרד
של לורן. הוא נכנס לשם כדי לדבר עלייך,
43
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
ועכשיו לורן רוצה לדבר איתך עכשיו."
ואני הייתי כאילו, "אוי, פאק. בסדר."
44
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
כי כאילו, "עכשיו מפטרים אותי."
45
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
זה מה שחשבתי, אז ניסיתי לעודד את עצמי.
46
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
אמרתי, "זין עליהם.
47
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
הם אלו שנראים טיפשים.
48
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
הם שכרו ופיטרו אותך. הם טעו פעמיים."
49
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
לעזאזל, כן. הוא יכול פשוט להתגנב מאחורה
50
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
אחד לא היה שם לב. למי אכפת, נכון?
51
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
אז נכנסתי למשרד שלו,
רק ניסיתי להרגיש יותר טוב,
52
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
ופתחתי את הדלת ולורן יושב שם, נכון?
53
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,472
והוא נראה ממש מבולבל,
54
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:04,851
כמוני, כי... ככה אני נראה.
55
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
אני נראה כמו שביקשתם ממני
לעשות פעולת חילוק.
56
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
בכל אופן, הוא נראה מאוד מבולבל
והוא אמר, "שב".
57
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
אז אני מתיישב, והוא אומר, "אז…
58
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
לואי נכנס לכאן ואמר לי שאתה מעשן גראס."
59
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
ואני אמרתי, "כן.
60
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
השמועות ששמעת הנן אמת."
61
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
ואז ראיתי בעיניים שלו שהוא נראה אבוד,
62
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,266
כאילו הוא לא ידע מה לומר?
63
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:48,728
כי בעיניים שלו הוא "אני מצטער
שאנחנו מנהלים את השיחה הזאת,
64
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,481
אבל לואי הלשין עליך,
והוא אמר לי לדבר איתך,
65
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,900
ובאופן אישי, אני לא חושב שזה סיפור גדול
66
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,028
כי אנשים נהגו לעשות פה קוקאין,
ובעצם אני חושב שאתה חתיכת נמושה.
67
00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,281
אני ממש מצטער שאנחנו מנהלים
את השיחה הזאת."
68
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:04,827
וראיתי את זה בעיניים שלו
ובעיניים שלי אמרתי, "אין ספק, אחי." אז..
69
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,830
אתם יודעים, זה היה מביך לעוד שנייה,
70
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,082
וזה היה שקט,
71
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:15,338
ואז הוא אמר, "כן, אז אתה יודע,
מה שאתה יכול לעשות זה...
72
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:17,924
כי הוא אמר שאתה מעשן הרבה גראס,
73
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
אז אולי תוכל פשוט להסתכל
על כמות הגראס שאתה מעשן."
74
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,348
ואני אמרתי, "בסדר, אני אסתכל."
75
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,521
אמרתי, "לעולם לא אשאיר את זה מחוץ לטווח
הראייה שלי. אין בעיה. אני עומד במילה שלי."
76
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
והוא אמר, "כן."
77
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
הוא אומר, "שוב, אני מצטער לנהל
את השיחה הזאת איתך,
78
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:41,114
אבל לואי הביא זאת לתשומת לבי ואמר
שאתה מעשן את הקריירה שלך לזבל,
79
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:45,618
ושעישנת באותו יום במשרד
כל כך הרבה גראס שזה גרם לו לאי נוחות."
80
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
ואני הייתי, "אוי שיט. באמת?"
והוא היה כמו, "כן."
81
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
ואני אמרתי, "אה, אז אני כאילו מפוטר?"
82
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
והוא אמר, "לא."
83
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
ואני אמרתי, "למה?"
84
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,547
והוא אמר, "אני לא יודע."
85
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
שזו שיחה שיש לנו מדי שנה, על בסיס שנתי.
86
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,471
האם זו תהיה השנה?
87
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
"לא יודע. עדיין לא.
נמצא פתרון. אני לא יודע."
88
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
והדבר הזה הרג אותי,
הייתי צריך לעזוב את המשרד שלו עם זה,
89
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
כאילו, שלואי סי. קיי. לא מחבב אותך.
90
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
אחד הקומיקאים הטובים ביותר,
91
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
ובמיוחד באותו הזמן, אחד ה...
92
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
זה פשוט הרג אותי,
כאילו, למה אני בכלל עושה סטנד-אפ
93
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
אם הבחור הזה לא מחבב אותי?
זה אישור של מישהו שאתה רוצה,
94
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
ואני אמרתי, "הבחור הזה לא
אוהב אותי כי אני מעשן גראס?"
95
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
זה מבאס,
96
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
והייתי צריך לשבת עם זה חמש שנים.
97
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,303
ואז, בוקר נפלא...
98
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
התעוררתי.
99
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,356
וקראתי את לואי סי. קיי. מאונן מול נשים.
100
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
ואני אמרתי, "כן!"
101
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
אתם מבינים למה אני מתכוון,
כאילו, לא רציתי שזה יקרה,
102
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
אבל אם זה עמד לקרות למישהו,
אני שמח שזה היה הוא. זה הגיוני?
103
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
בסדר.
104
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
לא, זה פשוט
105
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
תנו לי לספר לכם כמה זה מטורף
לאונן לבד, בסדר?
106
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
כן, פשוט תהיו איתי בחדר.
107
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
זה בסדר?
108
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
אז לאונן לבד זה מוזר...
109
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
יצא לכם לאונן, וזה לקח לכם הרבה זמן,
110
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,765
ואתם אפילו לא יכולים לגרום לעצמך לגמור,
ואתם כאילו, "אתה לוזר מזוין.
111
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,017
אתה לא יכול לעשות את עצמך.
112
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,521
למה אתה חושב שמישהו אחר
ירצה לעשות אותך?"
113
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
יש סיפור ישן, שאתה רואה את עצמך במראה?
114
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
זה למעשה קרה לי, כי אני טיפש.
115
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
לעולם לא שוב,
כי עכשיו אני מאונן בחושך מוחלט!
116
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
כן.
117
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:48,783
הטלפון עם הפנים כלפי מטה,
118
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,536
כי אתה עלול לקבל טקסט
וזה יכול להשתקף מהמראה,
119
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:53,955
ואז אתה יכול לראות את עצמך בפינה מאונן.
120
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,373
למעלה כתוב, "הודעה מאימא."
121
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
ניסיתם פעם לאונן אחרי שקיבלתם
טקסט מאימא? זה כמעט בלתי אפשרי.
122
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
לא אמרתי שזה בלתי אפשרי,
אבל זה ממש קרוב, בטוח.
123
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
זה היה אחד הדברים הקשים
ביותר שנאלצתי לעשות.
124
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
אבל, לא, זה פשוט ביאס אותי לשמוע
על כל החרא הזה,
125
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:15,601
כי פשוט הרגשתי רע עבור
כל הנשים שהוא אונן מולם.
126
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
זה ממש עצוב, כי זה באמת השפיע עליהן,
127
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,190
ואם הן רק היו יודעות ש...
128
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:24,110
שכאשר לואי, כאילו,
שלף את הזין שלו והתחיל לשפשף אותו,
129
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,987
אם הן פשוט היו מדליקות ג'וינט,
130
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:30,074
הוא היה כאילו, "הו, פאק. זה גראס?
לכל הרוחות. אתן חיות!
131
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
אני אלשין. חתיכות חרא. הו, פאק.
132
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,539
אתן תעשנו את הקריירה שלכן."
133
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:42,170
- פיט דייווידסון -
134
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:46,215
- חי מניו יורק -
135
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
לידיד שלי שאני תומך בו כלכלית נולד ילד,
136
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,138
אז אני אבא.
137
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
כן, לא הייתי מוכן לזה.
138
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
הוא התקשר אליי, כולו בהתלהבות.
הוא אמר, "יו, אחי. יש לי חדשות נהדרות."
139
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
אמרתי, "השגת עבודה?"
140
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
והוא אמר, "לא, אחי. נולד לי ילד."
141
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,696
ואני אמרתי,
"וואו, זה בדיוק ההפך מעבודה."
142
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
אני לא יכול לחכות שייוולד לי ילד,
אני מאוד מתרגש.
143
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,120
אני לא חושב שזה קשה... בכלל.
144
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:22,210
לא, כי לכל החברים שלי נולדים תינוקות,
והתלונות שלהם לא מפריעות לי במיוחד.
145
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
כל התלונות שלהם זהות.
הם אומרים, "אחי, זה בוכה."
146
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
ואני כאילו, "גבר, לך לחדר השני."
147
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,888
כן, כולם בוכים. אתם יודעים?
148
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,890
אתם מנסים לעצור את זה, ואז אתם עוזבים.
149
00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:39,727
אני בוכה כל הזמן. בסוף החברים שלי כמו,
"אחי, אני צריך ללכת לעבודה. אני לא יודע.
150
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,395
תמצא פתרון. תתנתק מהאינטרנט."
151
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
אז הם אומרים שזה בוכה,
152
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:50,321
והתלונה השנייה היא,
"זה, כאילו, מחרבן כל הזמן."
153
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,365
וגם זה לא ממש מפריע לי,
154
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
כי, כאילו, גם אני.
155
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
אז לא אכפת לי לנקות
את זה בקנה מידה קטן יותר.
156
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:06,128
חוץ מזה, כשאתה מנקה ילדים, לפעמים אתה
רואה כתמים שאולי פספסת על עצמך. כן.
157
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
אתה כאילו, "וואו, אף פעם לא ראיתי
את חור התחת שלי מהזווית הזאת."
158
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
אתה כאילו, "אני אנגב את הפינה הזו
כשאצא מהמקלחת."
159
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,431
אתה יוצא מהמקלחת, אתה כאילו,
160
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:18,641
"בן זונה."
161
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
אני אוהב לעשות בייביסיטינג,
162
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,777
כי אני לוקח מיקרודוזינג של פטריות,
אז אני מדבר תינוקית.
163
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
כן, אני מת על זה. הם מדברים, אתם יודעים?
164
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
לפני כמה ימים, האחיין שלי אמר, "בלה."
165
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,912
ואני אמרתי, "'תיקים פליליים'. הבנתי."
166
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
אז הייתי…
167
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
פטריות זה נהדר.
168
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
פטריות זה כמו להיות על רכבת הרים.
169
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
כשאתם עולים, אבל אתם אף פעם לא יורדים.
170
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
זו הדרך למעלה, כאילו, "זה מטריף!
171
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
זה אדיר! אני לא מאמין
שאנחנו עושים את זה! אלוהים!"
172
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
במשך ארבע שעות.
173
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
משהו מוזר קרה כשעשיתי
בייביסיטר לפני זמן מה.
174
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
חבר שלי, לבן שלו יוצאות השיניים, נכון?
175
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
אז צפינו ב"תיקים פליליים".
176
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
ואני פשוט ישבתי שם, ויוצאות לו השיניים,
177
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
אז הוא פשוט תפס לי את היד
והתחיל למצוץ לי את האצבעות,
178
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
אבל טוב.
179
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
כאילו...
180
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,631
כאילו, אני בהחלט השארתי אותם שם לשנייה.
181
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,761
אמרתי, "לא! וואו, אבל לא! "
182
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
אני יודע שהבדיחה הזאת מחלקת את החדר.
183
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
אני מודע לכך. זו לא הפעם הראשונה
שאני עושה את זה.
184
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
אני יודע שזה מוזר לספר בדיחות כאלה,
אבל זו בדיחה, זה מועדון סטנד-אפ.
185
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
זה יהיה מוזר אם זו הייתה אסיפת תושבים,
186
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
והייתי לוקח את המיקרופון, ואומר,
"היי, חבר'ה, הנה כמה רעיונות שיש לי."
187
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
"בסדר, אני אהיה במגרש עם כפתורים."
188
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,217
אני חושב שבחורות צריכות לספר
לבחורים איך לגרום להן לגמור.
189
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
כאילו, בפעם הראשונה שאתם עושים סקס.
לפני כן, תעשו תדרוך, אתם יודעים?
190
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,185
כי מסתבר שכל בחורה שונה זו מזו,
191
00:11:26,268 --> 00:11:27,603
זה מה שאני אומר לעצמי.
192
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
כולן שונות ואני חושב שאחת מהן
פשוט מתה מבפנים.
193
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
כן, אני חושב, כאילו,
"לא, אני חושב שאת פשוט שבורה."
194
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
לא... כן...
195
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
סליחה. אני לא יודע.
לפעמים אומרים דברים שגורמים לצחקק.
196
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
לא, אבל כן, בחורות צריכות לומר
לבחורים איך לגרום להן לגמור.
197
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,384
לא כאשר הם מרגישים בנוח.
198
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:01,303
אני יודע שאתן לא רוצות לפגוע ברגשותיו
של הבחור, אבל זה לא יפגע.
199
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
זה לא יפגע. אנחנו יכולים להיות
באמצע זיון,
200
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
ואת יכולה לומר, "אני שונאת את זה",
ואנחנו נהיה כמו,
201
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"איך זה? טוב? בסדר, כבר שכחתי."
מבינות? זה אפילו לא קרה.
202
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
אתן פשוט צריכות לספר לבחור.
203
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,945
כאילו אני מניח שאצל בחורים
אין צורך בהסברים, נכון?
204
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,614
פשוט משפשפים את זה ושיט עף משם, נכון?
205
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
זה ממש קל.
כאילו, הבן שלי יכול לעשות את זה, ו...
206
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
אבל כן, מסתבר,
שלא ממש קשה לגרום לבחורות לגמור.
207
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,256
כאילו, אם אתה מזיע ובלי נשימה,
נאמר לי שאתה עושה את זה לא נכון.
208
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
אבל, כל מה שאני יודע זה מפורנו,
209
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
כי גדלתי רק עם אימא ואחות, נכון?
210
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
אז מעולם לא ניהלנו את השיחה הזו,
211
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
מעולם לא ערכנו את ארוחת הערב הזו
בו הרגשתי נוח לומר,
212
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
"חבר'ה...
213
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
אם לא הייתי הבן שלך או אחיך..."
214
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
אז כל מה שידעתי היה מפורנו
215
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
שזה הרבה תנועות וצעקות ו...
216
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,955
לפעמים אתה פשוט מוציא את זה
ועושה כמה שכיבות סמיכה.
217
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,708
ואז ניגש ישר... מצטער.
218
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
אז לא ממש ידעתי, אבל למזלי,
גברת אחת סיפרה לי
219
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
מסתבר שיש דבר קטן בווגינה.
220
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
זה כמו מעגל קטן, זה כמו...
אתם יודעים באגרוף...
221
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
זה די נראה כמו הדבר הזה.
222
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
השק לאגרוף מהיר.
223
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
הדבר שהבחורים מכים בו לאט או די מהר.
224
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
ומתברר שהוואגינה היא די אותו הדבר.
225
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,198
אתה פשוט טופח על הדבר הקטן מאוד בקלות...
226
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
או מאוד מהר, כביכול. אלו שתי האפשרויות.
227
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,289
כן. אפילו לא צריך להחליף בשביל זה בגדים.
228
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
אבל כן, אתן צריכות לספר לבחור.
229
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
כמו שאמרתי, אצל בחורים אין צורך בהסברים,
230
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
אבל אם מישהי הייתה מורידה לי
את המכנסיים ומתחילה להכות לי בזין,
231
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
אני לא הייתי כמו, "או, פאק,
אני מקווה שהיא תבין מה לעשות.
232
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
זו מלחמה."
233
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
הייתי אומר, "מי שלח אותך? מה זה?
234
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
האם זה ניסיון התנקשות?"
235
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
הנה משהו שאף בחור לא אוהב,
אבל אנחנו, כאילו, מפחדים לספר לבחורה,
236
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
כי אנחנו כל כך קרובים... לדפוק.
237
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
אין הרבה מילים באמצעותם אפשר לומר "מה זה"
238
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
אז "לדפוק" זה...
239
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
הכי מתאים...
240
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
זה הולך להיות ב"ניקלודיאון".
241
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
כן. בגלל זה לבשתי חליפה,
כי בדרך כלל אני לא לובש.
242
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,100
בדרך כלל אני מתלבש
כאילו שהולכים לשפוך עלי סליים.
243
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
אבל מצאתי חליפת נשים נחמדה
ב"בננה ריפבליק".
244
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
ואני נראה בה פצצה.
245
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
אני נראה כמו גרושה שבדיוק התאפסה על עצמה.
246
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"אל תחזור.
247
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,208
יש לי עכשיו מוניטין."
248
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
אבל כן, הנה משהו שאף בחור לא אוהב בכלל.
249
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
אתם יודעים כאשר הבחורה למעלה
לפני שהם דוחפים את הזין לתוכה?
250
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
שוב, אני יודע שזו לא הדרך הכי טובה
לומר את זה, אבל תאמינו או לא,
251
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
ניסיתי חמש דרכים שונות,
252
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
ו"דוחפים את הזין לתוכה" ניצח בפער ענק.
253
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,068
אז תארו לעצמכם כמה נוראיים
היו ארבעת האחרים, נכון?
254
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
פתאום זה יותר טוב.
255
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
אז, כן, אתם יודעים כאשר הן מלמעלה,
והם עומדים לדחוס את זה פנימה?
256
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
רואים? כן.
257
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
כן. זה מה שאמרתי.
258
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,207
אז אתן יודעות מתי את מלמעלה
והוא עומד לדחוף את הזין לתוכך?
259
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,254
יש בנות, רובן, הן פשוט מתחילות
להחליק על הזין
260
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,841
לפני שהן מכניסות אותו פנימה.
הן כאילו, "כן. אתה אוהב את זה?"
261
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
לא, אנחנו לא. זה ממש כואב. תפסיקו
לעשות את זה, כל בחורה באשר היא, בבקשה.
262
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,516
בבקשה. פשוט תכניסי את זה לשם.
263
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
זה כואב נורא.
264
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:22,815
זה כואב, כי את מגלחת או לא,
בכל מקרה, את עוקצת שם למטה, נכון?
265
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
ואז אתן מתחילות לשפשף את זה
על הזין הקטן והחשוף שלנו.
266
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
החרא הזה כואב.
267
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
אתן כאילו, "אתה אוהב את זה?"
268
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"לא. הרגשת פעם 'כווייה אינדיאנית?'
כי ככה זה מרגיש.
269
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:38,664
זה מרגיש כמו שאת החברה המוזרה של אימא שלי
שהייתה עושה את זה כשהיא לא הייתה בסביבה."
270
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
כן, כולם זוכרים את החבר המוזר הזה, נכון?
271
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:48,549
כולם היו עולים למעלה והוא היה אומר,
"היי, ילד. קיבלת פעם כוויה אינדיאנית?"
272
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
היית אומר, "לא",
273
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,761
ובהתחלה היית כמו, "מגניב!"
ואז אתה אומר, "היי, עצור, אדוני!"
274
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
כן, אף בחור לא אוהב את זה, בסדר?
275
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
זה מרגיש רע מאוד.
זה מרגיש כמו נייר זכוכית.
276
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
אני מניח שבחורות לא יכולות לדעת,
277
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
כי הפרצוף של הנאה ושל כאב
הם אותו הדבר בזמן הזיון.
278
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
שניהם כמו, "אה", אז אני מניח...
279
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
אבל זה ממש כואב, מאוד.
280
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
ואז פתאום, הזין שלך נהיה כולו עם חריצים,
281
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
וקרוע לגזרים, ולמחרת, אתה מתעורר
282
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
ואתה כמו, "מה זה לעזאזל?"
283
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
אתה אומר, "מה זה?
284
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
האם חטפתי איזשהו מחלת מין חדשה
שמופיעה תוך 24 שעות? זה מטורף."
285
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
ואז הלכתי לרופא ושאלתי, "היי, גבר, מה זה?"
286
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
והוא ענה, "אתה צריך ללמוד איך להזדיין."
ואני כאילו, "מה? מה זה?"
287
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,357
הרופאים בסטטן איילנד שונים מאוד.
288
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
אני לא יודע. אני...
289
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
יש לי הרבה חברים שהם גייז.
290
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,705
אני אוהב את חברי הגייז,
כי אני לא חושב שיש מערכת יחסים יותר כנה
291
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,083
מאשר בין בחור גיי לבחור סטרייט.
292
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
כי פשוט אין מה להרוויח,
293
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
אז זו פשוט כנות טהורה.
294
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
וגייז הם האנשים הכי ישרים בעולם,
295
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
הם גם מרושעים אבל...
296
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
רק כנות, אפשר לומר, אבל זה ממש מרושע.
297
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
אתן לכם דוגמה.
298
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
כאילו, עזבתי את הבית של אימא שלי.
טוב, זה גם הבית שלי.
299
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
לכו להזדיין. אני לא צריך
להסביר את עצמי, בסדר?
300
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
נוח לי מאוד עם המצב שלי.
301
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
לא, כן. אני אוהב לגור עם אימא שלי.
כי אני גר במרתף.
302
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
זו... דירה.
303
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,045
ואז יש את הקומה העליונה,
שאנחנו קוראים לה האזור המשותף,
304
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:52,297
כי אנחנו שותפים לדירה.
305
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
יש לי כניסה משלי למטה, שכתוב "פיט...
306
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
כניסה".
307
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
כן, ככה כתוב. כן.
308
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
זה מגניב. כמות אינסופית של סוכריות גומי.
309
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
אתם צוחקים, אבל רק למגניבים מותר להיכנס.
אני אומר לכם.
310
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
אימא צריכה לדפוק.
311
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,076
כן, אין… היא לא מתפרצת פנימה.
תמיד דופקת בדלת.
312
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,164
בכל אופן, כן.
313
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
בנוסף, לכל בחורה שאני יוצא איתה
יש קבוצת של חברים שהם גייז, נכון?
314
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
אבל תמיד יש חבר גיי אחד,
שאני לא חושב שהוא בכלל גיי.
315
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
כן. הבחורות צוחקות.
316
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
כל בחורים אומרים,
"כן, קייל. שיזדיין הבחור הזה.
317
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,389
אני שונא את הבחור הזה.
אני לא יכול לומר כלום, אבל אני רוצה."
318
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:48,312
אם אתן מבולבלות, זה הבחור
שהחבר שלך יבוא אליך ויגיד,
319
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:51,315
"היי, מה הקטע... עם קייל?
320
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
את יודעת, הבחור הזה שתמיד בסביבה."
321
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
ולחברה שלך תמיד תהיה את אותה תגובה,
"מי, הוא? קייל?"
322
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
ואתה כאילו, "כן, מה הקטע?
מה הקטע עם הבחור הזה?
323
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
את יודעת, מה קורה?"
324
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
ואז החברה שלך תגיד, "בחייך. הוא גיי."
325
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
ואתה תגיד, "זה מאומת?
326
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
זה ידוע ברחוב? ברחובות יודעים שהוא גיי?"
327
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
ואז הבחורה שלך תגיד את אותו הדבר,
328
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
"לא, אבל כולם יודעים."
329
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
ואתה כאילו, "לא הבחור הזה, בסדר?
330
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,597
אני לא יודע את זה. לא.
אני קלטתי אותך, קייל. בסדר?"
331
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,518
השינה המשותפת? אם אתה כל כך
שונא כוס, למה אתה מתכרבל איתו?
332
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
מוזר מאוד.
333
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
בחיים לא תמצאו אותי, כאילו, מתכרבל
עם חבילה של כרטיסי חניה או משהו כזה.
334
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,781
דברים שונים, כן, אבל מספיק טוב בשבילי.
335
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
אתם יודעים, אני לא מבין את זה.
336
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
יש סוג מסוים של גייז,
337
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,415
אני קורא להם "המגפפים"…
338
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
כי כרגע, אין כללים לגייז.
339
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
הם יכולים לעשות מה שהם רוצים.
340
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
זה די מטורף.
341
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
וכל הכבוד לכם, ויש הרבה כבוד.
342
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
יש כבוד! אתם יודעים, גייז...
יש את "המגפפים", כן?
343
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
זה הבחור הגיי הזה שירוץ לחברה שלך,
344
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,271
וימעך את הציצים שלה, ויסטור לה על התחת.
345
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,564
ויגיד, "לעזאזל, ילדה, את נראית נהדר!"
346
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
אני לא חושב שזה מצחיק,
כאילו בכלל. אני מצטער.
347
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
כאילו, אני בעד הגייז,
זה לא אומר שאני נגד גייז.
348
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
זה פשוט, אתם יודעים כמה קשה
אני עובד כדי לסטור לציצים ו…
349
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,333
אתם יודעים כמה ימי הולדת
מזדיינים פספסתי, חברים שאיבדתי?
350
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
לבלות חגי מולד באוהיו...
351
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
ואתה יכול לסטור לישבן בגלל פרט טכני?
352
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,509
זה בכלל לא הוגן, בנאדם.
353
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
כן, ממש מולך.
הולך, סוטר על התחת, מצחקק.
354
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
רק כי הוא יכול.
355
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
בחיים לא הייתי עושה את זה רק כי יכולתי.
356
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
לא הייתי הולך לחבר שלו
מושך את הזין שלו ואומר,
357
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,774
"נחמד, גארי. לא בשבילי, אבל מגניב!"
358
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
למה?
359
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,201
מה? אני סטרייט.
360
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
יש כללים מסוימים לאנשים מסוימים,
ואני לא מבין את זה.
361
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
זה פשוט לא הגיוני בעיניי.
362
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
אבל אני לא יכול להילחם בזה,
כי כבר ניהלתי את הקרב בראש שלי,
363
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:29,931
ואני בטוח שרבים מכם, עשו זאת,
זה אף פעם לא עובד אני תמיד מפסיד.
364
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
אני ניגש אליו, והוא, אתם יודעים,
סטר לה בתחת, תופס את הציצים שלה,
365
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
עושה איזה ריקוד צחקוק קטן,
366
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,733
אני אומר, "היי, קייל, מה לעזאזל?"
367
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,614
ואז קייל מחליט לצאת מהארון
באותו יום ואומר, "אני גיי."
368
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
ואז זה נגמר. הוא ניצח.
זהו זה. זה הקרב כולו.
369
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
באותה מידה יכולת לומר,
"סליחה, תמשיך במה שעשית."
370
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,542
תטפח עליו בעדינות או במהירות, נאמר לי.
371
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
זה פשוט מוזר, כי זה עובד...
372
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:09,137
זה רק עובד עם בחור גיי ובחורה סטרייטית.
זה לא עובד באף דרך אחרת, נכון?
373
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
זה לא עובד כמו בחור סטרייט
ובחורה גיי, נכון?
374
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184
אני לא יכול ללכת ללסבית,
ולתפוס את הציצים שלה ולהגיד,
375
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,436
"זה בסדר. שנינו שונאים את זה."
376
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
אני מסתבך הרבה.
377
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
כאילו, עצרו אותי בשוליים בדרך לכאן.
378
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
האם מישהו כשעוצרים אותו בשוליים
משמיע בילי ג'ואל?
379
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
כי אתה חושב שהשוטר יבוא ויאמר,
380
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"רישיון ו... בילי ג'ואל! בחייך, אחי!
381
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
אתה לא חתיכת חרא.
382
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
חשבתי שתקשיבי ל-'2 צ'יינז' או משהו. בסדר."
383
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
זה עוד יותר מביך כשזה לא עובד.
384
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
ואז אתה יושב שם והוא אומר,
"רישיונות נהיגה ורכב...
385
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,517
אתה מוכן לכבות את ביל ווית'רס?"
386
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
אבל אני מסתבך הרבה.
387
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
הסתבכתי בשנה שעברה כי סיפרתי כמה בדיחות,
388
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
והסתבכתי כי צחקתי על האדון הזה
389
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,242
עם הרטייה שבפוליטיקה. שמו דן קרנשו.
390
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
לא חשבתי שעשיתי משהו רע.
391
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
זה היה כמו מילים שעוותו
392
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
כדי שבחור יוכל להיות מפורסם,
393
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
אבל כן, אני לא...
394
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
זה פחות או יותר מה שזה. הייתי רוצה..
395
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
כי אין לי "טוויטר",
396
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
אז אני לא יכול להסביר את עצמי
בכל פעם שמשהו רע קורה.
397
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
אמרתי, "אני מניח שאצלם ספיישל ואספר לכולם.
398
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
כן, כי אסור לי להתחבר לאינטרנט."
399
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,939
כן. אני די בטוח שאם אני אתחבר לאינטרנט,
אני אכנס לכלא או משהו.
400
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
אז צחקתי על הבחור הזה עם הרטייה,
401
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
ואז נאלצתי להתנצל
402
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:55,076
כי אנשים איימו לירות לי בפנים,
403
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
ולמרבה הצער, לא עניתי לשיחה הזאת.
404
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
השותפה שלי לדירה ענתה. אז...
405
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
היא לא הייתה סבבה עם זה...
406
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
והשותפה שלי לדירה חשבה שאני צריך להתנצל
407
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
כדי שלא יירו בי בפנים.
408
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
אז... אני...
409
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
זה מה שקרה. אז כמו שאמרתי,
אני מאוד מוגבל ב-SNL.
410
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
לא יודע אם ראיתם את זה.
411
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
כנראה שלא, אבל זה מינימלי מאוד,
כמות הדברים שיוצא לי לעשות, נכון?
412
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,280
אז ישבנו שם ואמרנו,
"מה לעזאזל אתה יכול לעשות, גבר?
413
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,701
כאילו אתה חלק ממשפחת 'הצלייה', נכון?
אתה עושה את "הצלייה" הזו."
414
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,621
אמרתי, "בטח. זה קטע.
משפחת 'הצלייה'. בסדר."
415
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,627
הם אמרו, "כן, למה שלא תעשה 'צלייה'
של פוליטיקאים וכאלה ב'עדכון' או משהו?"
416
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
ואני אמרתי, "מטריף. זה יסדר לי
עוד שישה פרקים, נכון?"
417
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
חשבתי, "פאק, כן. בסדר, מגניב."
418
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
אז זה אותם כללים
כמו "8 מייל" עם צלייה, כן?
419
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
אתה צוחק על עצמך,
420
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,849
ואז אתה צוחק על כולם, כן?
421
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
אז קיבלתי דף נייר גדול עם פרצופים, נכון?
422
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
והתחלתי לכתוב בדיחות.
423
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
הבחור הזה, הגברת ההיא,
424
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
ואז הבחור הזה, דן קרנשו צץ, נכון?
425
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
ויש לו רטייה, נכון?
426
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
אז כבר אמרתי,
"לבחור הזה יש חוש הומור." נכון?
427
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
כי יש לו רטייה על העין.
428
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
אם אתה מאבד עין, יש עוד
שלושה דברים שאתה יכול לעשות
429
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
לפני שאתה שם רטייה, נכון?
אני לא שמוק. ברצינות.
430
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
אתה הולך על עין מזכוכית,
עין מזכוכית עם משקפיים,
431
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
ואז משקפי שמש מזוינים,
ואז אתה שם רטייה, נכון?
432
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
אז אמרתי, "הבחור הזה מצחיק."
433
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
אמרתי, "הבחור הזה מודע לעצמו."
אמרתי, "הוא חברמן." נכון?
434
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:45,395
אז אמרתי, "בסדר, בוא פשוט נכתוב
בדיחה לא מזיקה", או משהו, כן?
435
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:50,650
וכתבתי, "בסדר. הבחור הזה
נראה כמו רוצח שכיר בפורנו." נכון?
436
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
בדיחה לא מזיקה של "סאטרדיי נייט לייב", כן,
437
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,406
שאתם כאילו, "חה, חה, חה.
התחנה הבאה, בבקשה."
438
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
זה היה אני במונית.
439
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
שם זה גם הצחיק.
440
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,791
נחתוך את זה. נערוך את זה החוצה.
441
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
אין בעיות. נערוך את זה החוצה.
מעולם לא קרה. חזרתי ישר לזיון.
442
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
חזרתי ישר לזיון. זה מעולם לא קרה.
443
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
תמיד רציתי לעשות את זה.
444
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
ברכותיי שהזדיינתם.
445
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
תודה ששחררתם את ההשהיה והמשכתם לצפות.
446
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:35,987
מצטער. אני פשוט תמיד רציתי
שזה יהיה כאשר צפיתי בנטפליקס.
447
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:43,578
היי, גבר, איך היה? זה היה מגניב?
448
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,375
זה היה כל מה שקיווית לו? אני מקווה.
449
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
זה בטח היה טוב להשהות
את זה בחרא על קרנשו,
450
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
חתיכת בן זונה מזדיין.
451
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
אנחנו נהנים. לא, סליחה.
452
00:28:03,139 --> 00:28:04,557
אני אפילו לא... זה בסדר.
453
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
אז, כתבתי בדיחה קטנה, כאילו,
454
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"הוא נראה כמו רוצח שכיר בפורנו." נכון?
כתבתי את זה.
455
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
אפילו לא חשבתי על זה, נכון?
456
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:19,948
ואז פתאום, ממש לפני שאני עומד לעלות
לבמת הצילום לעשות את "העדכון" המזוין,
457
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
אחד מהחברים שלי שעזר לי לכתוב את זה אומר,
458
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"היי, בנאדם. עשיתי קצת מחקר."
459
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,414
ואני אמרתי, "עכשיו עשית מחקר?"
והוא אמר, "כן."
460
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
הם מחכים שם לרגע האחרון.
461
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
והוא אמר, "כן, הבחור הזה, דן קרנשו?
462
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
אני חושב שאולי הוא איבד
את העין שלו במלחמה או משהו כזה."
463
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:40,218
אמרתי, "מה?" והם אמרו, "פיט, בוא לבמה."
אמרתי, "לעזאזל!"
464
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:43,221
והוא אמר, "אחי, אתה תהיה נהדר.
אל תדאג, יהיה בסדר.
465
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
אלה הפנים שלך שם, לא שלי. זה יהיה מצוין."
466
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
אז אני יוצא לשם ומנסה להיות מודע, וזה קשה
467
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
כי אני תמיד על פטריות, או דברים כאלה.
468
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
אז, להיות מודע זה כאילו
הכי קשה שאפשר להיות.
469
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,658
אתם יודעים? לא להיות מודע בכללי,
אלא יותר להיות לפתע מודע.
470
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
כאילו, "היי!" ואתה כזה, "אה!"
471
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
תודה ל-12 האנשים שהבינו את זה.
472
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
"לעזאזל?" בדיחה.
473
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
כמו שאמרתי, הם פשוט מחלקים
את זה לכולם בנטפליקס.
474
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
"יו, שוב זיינת? זה אדיר, גבר.
475
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
שוב תודה, שחזרת.
476
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
אני מעריך את זה.
477
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
גבר, זה בטח היה טוב, אחי.
ככה עושים את זה.
478
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
ברצינות, בקטע המחורבן של קרנשו?
479
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
זה דפוק..."
480
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,990
אני נהנה מזה איתכם כי זו
הפעם הראשונה שגם אני שמעתי את זה.
481
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
אז אני עולה לבמת הצילומים, כן?
482
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
והחבר שלי בדיוק אמר לי
שהוא אולי איבד את העין במלחמה,
483
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
אז עכשיו אני אומר,
"פאק. אני חייב להיות מודע לזה, נכון?"
484
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
אני חייב להתנצל אחרי הבדיחה שאספר, נכון?
485
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
להקדים תרופה למכה, נכון?
486
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
אז אני מחליק החוצה, ואני מתנצל.
487
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
אני זוכר בדיוק איך זה הלך.
488
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
אני זוכר בדיוק מה אמרתי.
לעולם לא אשכח את זה.
489
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
אמרתי, "דן קרנשו. הוא נראה
כמו רוצח שכיר בפורנו, נכון?"
490
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
אני מקבל צחוק בינוני מזוין, כן?
491
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
ומיד אחרי זה, אני אומר,
492
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"אני מצטער. אני יודע שאולי הוא איבד
את העין שלו במלחמה או משהו."
493
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:24,030
ואני אמרתי "או משהו."
ואנשים היו כמו, "אתה שונא את אמריקה!"
494
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
ואני כאילו, "לא! פשוט לא רציתי לטעות
לגבי איך הוא איבד את העין המזוינת שלו."
495
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,578
האם זה פשע מזוין?
496
00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:34,040
הוא יכול היה לאבד את העין במלחמה או משהו.
אני לא יודע איך הוא איבד את העין.
497
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:37,669
זה יכול היה להיות באפגניסטן.
יכול להיות כשהכין כריך. אין לי מושג.
498
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:43,675
סליחה שאין לי כרטיסי בייסבול מזוינים
של דן קרנשו עם כל הנתונים והמידע עליו.
499
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
טעות שלי. זה ביטוי.
500
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
ניסיתי להיות מודע. אתם יודעים?
501
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,016
גנרל פאטון, אחד הגיבורים הגדולים באמריקה.
502
00:30:52,100 --> 00:30:56,229
הוא מת בגרמניה הנאצית
שבוע לאחר המלחמה בתאונת דרכים.
503
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,982
אבל כשאנחנו מדברים על הגנרל פאטון הגדול,
504
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:02,402
אנחנו אומרים, הוא מת במלחמה או משהו.
505
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
פשוט קל יותר להגיד את זה במקום,
506
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"טוב, הוא ניצח במלחמה
ואז לקח פנייה לא טובה ו..." כן.
507
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
זה ביטוי. זה לא אומר
שאני שונא את אמריקה. בסדר?
508
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
אז, הדבר היחיד שאני לא אוהב
זה שאנשים, כאילו,
509
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"זו אשמתך שהבחור הזה ניצח", וזה לא נכון.
510
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
אני חושב שרוב הקולות בחרו בו,
511
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
והבחור הזה הוא רפובליקני עם רטייה בטקסס.
512
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
אז זה היה בטוח עוד לפני שזה אפילו התחיל.
513
00:31:31,681 --> 00:31:33,224
כן. יכולתי לומר לכם את זה.
514
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:36,352
בטקסס, אני די בטוח שיש להם רק תמונות.
515
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
ככה הם מצביעים.
516
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
אתם יודעים? אז אני לא גרמתי
לבחור הזה לנצח, אוקיי?
517
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
זו אשמת אמריקה.
518
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,365
וגם המופע הזה...
519
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
כן. אני לא עשיתי לו כלום.
520
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,165
הדבר היחיד שעשיתי ושאני אשם בו
ואני מתנצל עליו,
521
00:31:57,290 --> 00:31:59,000
הוא שהפכתי אותו למפורסם
522
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
ושם בית ללא סיבה.
523
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
עשיתי מה שאריאנה גרנדה עשתה לי,
524
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
כן.
525
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
מצצתי לו את הזין ב-SNL.
526
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
לא התכוונתי להתבדח על זה,
אבל אז החבר שלי אמר לי,
527
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"יו, לאחרונה שמעתי שאריאנה
אמרה שאין לה מושג מי אתה,
528
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
ושהיא רק יצאה איתך להסחה."
529
00:32:25,568 --> 00:32:27,487
אז עכשיו אני חושב שזה משחק הוגן.
530
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
אז, כן...
531
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
וגם לא למחוא כפיים.
532
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:34,786
זה לא קונצרט של דרייק נגד ליל ויין.
זו לא תחרות.
533
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
יש לה את השירים שלה וכדומה
וזה מה שיש לי, בסדר?
534
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:41,209
אז בסדר. זהו זה, בסדר?
535
00:32:42,085 --> 00:32:46,464
אז... ואתה כאילו, "פיט, זה לא הוגן.
אתה מפרסם כביסה מלוכלכת.
536
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
איך אתה יכול לעשות את זה?
איפה היא אמרה את זה?
537
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
לחברים שלה בביטחון של הבית שלה?"
538
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
לא, היא אמרה את זה על השער של מגזין "ווג".
539
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
אתם יכולים לדמיין אם אני הייתי עושה את זה?
540
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
הקריירה שלי הייתה נגמרת למחרת.
541
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:09,237
אם הייתי צובע בריסוס את עצמי לחום,
וקופץ על השער של מגזין "ווג"
542
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
ופשוט מתחיל ללכלך על האקסית שלי,
אתם יכולים לדמיין את...
543
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
לא, אל תמחאו כפיים.
אלה כפיים של דרייק נגד ליל ויין.
544
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,162
אני לא אוהב את זה. אני אוהב את הצחקוקים.
545
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,664
אלה רק בדיחות.
546
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:24,293
אתם יכולים לדמיין אם הייתי עושה את זה?
"כן, פשוט זיינתי אותה כי השתעממתי,
547
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
ואז 'פורנייט' יצא." זה יהיה מטורף.
548
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
ואתה כאילו, "פיט, משהו היה צריך לקרות לה,
בטח היו לזה השלכות, נכון?"
549
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
לא. היא זכתה באשת השנה של "בילבורד",
550
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
ולי קראו "עיני התחת"
על ידי "ברסטולספורטס.קום".
551
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
אז לפעמים החיים קצת לא הוגנים.
552
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
שוב, אלה בדיחות.
אני לא רוצה עשן, בסדר?
553
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
הפחד הכי גדול שלי הוא שיירה לי בעורף,
554
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
איזה ילד בן תשע עם קוקו,
555
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
והדבר האחרון שאשמע זה, "האשטאג בוטל."
556
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
ואז כאילו, ירייה בעורף.
557
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,555
שוב, אני לא רוצה עשן מהילדים בני התשע.
558
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
לא, היא אישה מאוד חזקה, אריאנה.
559
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
היא אישה מאוד חזקה ומאוד חכמה.
560
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,526
את חייבת להיות כזו כדי להיות מסוגלת
להרוס את "סטארבקס" לבנאדם.
561
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:33,362
נכנסתי ל"סטארבקס" לפני כמה ימים,
562
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:35,990
ואמרתי, "אפשר לשתות קפה בינוני?"
והבחור היה כאילו...
563
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
אמרתי, "לך תזדיין.
אני הולך ל'דאנקין דונאטס'."
564
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
"למה הם נפטרים מהם בעיר? אני לא מוצא אחד."
565
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
הרבה אנשים שואלים אותי כל הזמן,
"איך זה היה..."
566
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
זה היה כמו כל פרידה אחרת, רק מול כולם.
567
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
כן, זה פשוט... לא ידעתי למה אני…
568
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
אני די ידעתי למה אני נכנס,
אבל לא באמת, לא ידעתי על הקטע עם התמונה.
569
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
אם הייתי יודע על זה, הייתי רואה
רופא עור לפני שהתחלתי לצאת.
570
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
הייתי נוקט אמצעי זהירות ראויים,
אבל אני לא באמת,
571
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
זה כמו כל פרידה אחרת.
החברים שלך באים, כולם משקרים לך.
572
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
הם אומרים, "גבר, אין בעיה, אחי.
אף אחד אפילו לא יודע מי היא.
573
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
הכול טוב, אחי. עדיף לך בלי? אין בעיה."
574
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:31,045
ואז השיר יצא, והחברים שלי אמרו,
"אחי, אני אוהב אותך. נכון?
575
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
השיט הזה קליט.
576
00:35:33,756 --> 00:35:37,051
השיט הזה קליט מאוד. יהיו לך
שמונה חודשים קשים. אני מצטער.
577
00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:39,929
אני מצטער. אני במקרה אוהב
את השיר, אני מצטער.
578
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
אני מחבב אותך, אבל..."
579
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
סבא שלי אמר, "זו סטירה.
580
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
פיטר, זו סטירה. אני ממש מצטער.
581
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
זה שיר טוב, ואני אפילו לא מקשיב לשיט הזה."
582
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
ואני אמרתי, "הבנתי!"
583
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
אבל כן. זה הדבר היחידי
שלא אהבתי שיצא לי מזה.
584
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
וזו טעות נפוצה.
585
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
אני לא אוהב שהיא דיברה
את כל השיט הזה על הזין שלי.
586
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,713
חשבתי שזה ממש מוזר.
587
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
היא אמרה, "כן, זה לא הסתדר,
אבל זין נחמד."
588
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
חשבתי שזה ממש מוזר כי כולם אמרו,
589
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,223
"איזו בחורה נחמדה."
590
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
קודם כול, בואו נעשה צעד אחורה. אתם יכולים
לדמיין אם הייתי אומר את השיט הזה?
591
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
אתם יכולים לדמיין אם הייתי,
"מצטער שזה לא הסתדר. אבל כוס יפה.
592
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
השיט הזה רטוב! וואו!
593
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
יופי של כוס, אבל סליחה."
594
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
זה מגוחך.
595
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:49,957
הייתי צריך לשבת שם כמו, "אהה..."
596
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
כן. זה הדבר היחיד.
597
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
לא אהבתי את זה כי זה פשוט לא נכון... כן...
598
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
פשוט יש לה ידיים קטנטנות.
599
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
יש לה ידיים קטנות מאוד.
600
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
הכול ענק עבורה. כן.
601
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
זו הייתה בדיחה מזוינת כל הזמן שהיינו יחד.
602
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
אמרתי, "ענק בשבילך,
אבל קטן לכל האחרות. זה אדיר!"
603
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
אתם יודעים?
604
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
אז אתה שואל את עצמך, כאילו,
"למה? אם היא יודעת את המידע הזה,
605
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
למה שהיא תספר לכולם
איזה פין גדול ונהדר יש לך?" נכון?
606
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
למה שהיא תעשה את זה?
כי כלפי חוץ, זה כאילו,
607
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"וואו. איזו גברת נחמדה. זה לא הסתדר.
אמרה עליו מילה טובה." אתם יודעים?
608
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
"אמרה לכולם שיש לו פין נחמד." נכון?
609
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,878
זאת לא הסיבה.
610
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
היא עשתה את זה כדי...
611
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
היא גאונה. תזכרו את זה.
היא אדם מאוד חכם, בסדר?
612
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
היא עשתה את זה כדי שכל בחורה
שתראה את הזין שלי לשארית חיי
613
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
תהיה מאוכזבת.
614
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
זה גאוני!
615
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
זה לקח לכל החיים.
616
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
תזכרו את זה.
617
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,781
אפילו לא זכיתי ליהנות
מ"קיץ הזין הגדול שלי",
618
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
או איך שקראו לזה.
619
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
בבקשה תפסיקו לעשות את זה.
יש לי משפחה שקוראת. תפסיקו.
620
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
האימא המסכנה שלי.
621
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
כל מקרה, נעשה כמה בדיחות על 9/11,
ואני אסתלק מכאן.
622
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
איך זה נשמע? מגניב. כן.
623
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
הפעם היחידה שאאפשר להריע ל-9/11.
624
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
אבא שלי מת ב-9/11.
625
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
אמרו לי שאני צריך להסביר את זה
לפני שאעשה את הבדיחות האלה,
626
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:33,936
כי יש אנשים שלא יודעים, ואני אמרתי...
627
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,063
שאני לא חושב שאני אמור להגיד את זה
628
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
כי זה פשוט יעצור את המופע
ויהפוך את המצב למביך.
629
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,446
ניצחתי. צדקתי.
630
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,367
כשאבא שלך מת, והוא עובד בשביל המדינה
או הממשלה או משהו כזה...
631
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,786
לא יודע. הוא היה כבאי. מה שזה לא יהיה.
632
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
אתה... לפעמים המשפחה שלך מקבלת קצת כסף.
633
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,585
לא הרבה כסף. קצת. אז..
634
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:03,466
קיבלנו קצת כסף ואני זוכר את אימי,
כדי לגרום לי ולאחותי להרגיש טוב יותר,
635
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
היא רצתה לקנות לנו בריכה עם הכסף, כן?
636
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:10,890
היא חשבה שהיא תקנה לנו בריכה,
637
00:39:10,973 --> 00:39:16,312
ואז אנשים ירצו להיות חברים שלנו,
ויבואו לשחות בתוכה.
638
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
אתם יודעים, שזה ממש קודר.
639
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,776
לשחות בבריכת המוות.
640
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,613
כן. זה רעיון נחמד,
641
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
אבל לרגש שלכל קפיצת "כדור תותח"
עומד משמעות מוזרה מאחוריה.
642
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
עושה בריכות כל יום, "האם זה שווה?" לא.
643
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
לא, אני זוכר שאימא שלי
קנתה לנו בריכה, לי ולאחותי, נכון?
644
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
והייתי בן שבע כשאבא שלי מת,
אז ילדים לא מבינים את השיט הזה.
645
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
הם לא יודעים מה קורה.
646
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
אז אני זוכר שקיבלתי את הבריכה,
וילדים בבית הספר היו אומרים,
647
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"יו. יש לך מזל. אתה עשיר. יש לך בריכה."
648
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,941
ואני הייתי אומר, "כן. למזלי יש לי בריכה
649
00:40:02,024 --> 00:40:04,735
שאני ממלא בדמעות כל קיץ.
650
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
כי ככה אתה יודע שאתה עשיר,
כשאתה יכול לשחות בעצב שלך.
651
00:40:08,989 --> 00:40:11,951
תודה לאל שאוסאמה בן לאדן לא החמיץ
את השעון המעורר שלו. יודעים למה?
652
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
כי אז לא הייתה לי בריכה מזוינת!
653
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
אני מצטער. בבקשה תבואו לבקר אחר כך. כן."
654
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
אנחנו שומרים את זה, ג'ייסון.
לא אכפת לי מה אתה אומר.
655
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
בכל אופן, אז עשיתי איזה סרט
בקשר לאבא שלי במהלך הקיץ.
656
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
הייתי צריך לצלם את הדבר הזה.
657
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
אז הייתי צריך לעשות מחקר על אבא שלי,
658
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
והייתי צריך לבלות עם החברים שלו, נכון?
659
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,394
ואני מסטטן איילנד, אבא שלי מסטטן איילנד,
660
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:40,104
אז החברים שלו הם כמוני.
661
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
הם זבל, נכון?
662
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
כן. אנחנו אנשי זבל. פשוטו כמשמעו.
663
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
אנחנו ידועים בכך שיש לנו
את המזבלה הגדולה בעולם
664
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
שאפשר לראות מהחלל.
665
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
זה מה שנהג המונית היה אומר
כשנכנסת לסטטן איילנד.
666
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,457
כאילו, "אני לא יודע אם ידעת את זה,
אבל יש פה את המזבלה הכי גדולה."
667
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,375
בניגוד ל"תראה את העץ!"
668
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
ואתה כמו, "מה קרה למזבלה? מה הם עשו?"
669
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
טוב, הם בנו פארק מעל זה.
670
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
ואתה כאילו, "כלומר הם נפטרו מכל הזבל?"
671
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
לא. הם פשוט בנו פארק מעל זה.
672
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
אז, בעוד עשר שנים, כשזה יתחיל להתפרק,
673
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
ילדים יתחילו להידקר מרכבי הונדה מודל 98'.
674
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
בכל אופן, אני מנסה להסביר לכם
על אנשי סטטן איילנד.
675
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
זאת לא דוגמה טובה.
676
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
זה כמו אם היה לכם "מרלבורו אדום"
וזרקתם אותו לאמבטיה.
677
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
והוא התעורר לחיים.
678
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
ככה...
679
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
ככה...
680
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
ככה זה בחור של סטטן איילנד.
681
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
בכל מקרה, אז הייתי צריך
להיפגש עם החברים שלו,
682
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
אבל כל הסיפורים שהכרתי
מאבא שלי היו מגיל שבע,
683
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:02,603
אז הסיפורים שהם סיפרו לי היו שונים בהרבה
684
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
ממה ששמעתי קודם.
685
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
כאילו, אין לי מושג מי זה האדם הזה.
אני אתן לכם דוגמה,
686
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
כשהייתי קטן, החברים של אבא שלי היו אומרים,
687
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,448
"אבא שלך היה הגבר, אתה יודע?
688
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:18,994
נהגנו לשחק כדורסל ולעשות שיעורי בית.
689
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
הוא תמיד היה מסיים מהצלחת שלו.
690
00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:27,461
הוא תמיד היה מסיים מהצלחת שלו.
691
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
תסיים את זה!"
692
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
למה?
693
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
הבנתי ש…
694
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
יש סיבה מדוע קשה
לסיים מהצלחת שלך בגיל שבע.
695
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
זה כי מבוגרים מגישים לנו
את אותה הכמות שלהם,
696
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
ואנחנו שליש מהגודל שלהם.
697
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:45,104
אז כשנאכל שליש מכמות, אנחנו מלאים,
וזה שתצעקו, "תאכל את זה!" זה לא עוזר.
698
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
זה פשוט גורם לכולם להשמין.
אתה מבינים למה אני מתכוון?
699
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
אימא שלי הייתה אומרת,
"יש ילדים רעבים באפריקה."
700
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
זה היה המשפט המועדף עליה,
לגרום לי רגשות אשם.
701
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,907
הייתי אומר, "כן, יכול להיות,
702
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:59,368
אבל אם ילד באפריקה
היה אוכל שליש מהכמות האוכל הזו,
703
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
הוא היה אומר, 'אני מלא'."
704
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
אני אוהב שחצי מכם כאילו, "זה מצחיק."
705
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
והחצי השני כאילו, "אני לא יודע
אם אתה יכול לעשות את זה, אחי".
706
00:43:11,630 --> 00:43:14,258
אני מניח שנבדוק ב"טוויטר",
זה שמחליט על הכול.
707
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,137
"טוויטר" זה שערי השמיים החדשים.
708
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,807
זה מחליט את העתיד של כל האנשים.
709
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:26,937
בכל מקרה, אז נאלצתי להיפגש
עם החברים של אבא שלי,
710
00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:29,732
והייתי כאילו, "ספרו לי כמה סיפורים
על אבא שלי,"
711
00:43:29,815 --> 00:43:33,819
והוא היה כאילו,
"היינו עושים קוקאין כל הזמן!"
712
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
ואני כאילו, "מה?"
713
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,410
והוא אמר, "אני מצטער.
לא הייתי אמור לספר לך?"
714
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
ואני אמרתי, "לא, זה מגניב.
פשוט לא ציפיתי לזה.
715
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,668
כשגדלתי, שמעתי, הוא תמיד שיחק כדורסל
716
00:43:49,877 --> 00:43:52,796
ועשה שיעורי בית וסיים מהצלחת שלו.
717
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
אני מניח שהשלישי עדיין תקף, אבל... כן.
718
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
אני פשוט לא..."
והוא אמר, "אני מצטער. שאני אגן עליך?
719
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
האם אני מספר לך יותר מדי פרטים?"
אמרתי, "לא, פשוט, כמו שאמרתי,
720
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,773
גדלתי במחשבה, כאילו,
תמיד ידעתי שאבא שלי גיבור,
721
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:13,484
אבל, כאילו, לא ידעתי
שהוא היה גיבור-על מזוין.
722
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
לא ידעתי שהוא הבחור הכי מגניב אי פעם."
723
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,948
איזה גבר של שנות ה-90.
עושה קוקאין ומכבה שריפות. איזו אגדה.
724
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,076
מעולם לא הייתי גאה יותר.
725
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
אלוהים, זה גרם לי לחייך. כמה זה מדהים!
726
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:28,248
אתם יכולים לדמיין את זה?
הבית שלכם עולה באש. כבאית עוצרת.
727
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:31,210
בחור אחד יוצא, והוא כאילו,
"בסדר. אני אטפל בברז הכיבוי."
728
00:44:31,293 --> 00:44:33,671
עוד בחור אחר יוצא.
הוא כאילו, "אני אבטח את האזור",
729
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:40,094
ואז אבא שלי יוצא, והוא כאילו,
"בוא נלך! וואו! בלי קסדה!"
730
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
תודה, חבר'ה.
731
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
לילה טוב. אני מעריך את זה.
732
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
תודה שבאתם.
733
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
תודה.
734
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
- איך להתמודד עם פין ענק -
735
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
- פיט דייווידסון, הכרטיסים אזלו -
736
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
אני אגיד לכם. המופע הסתיים,
אבל זה סיפור שהייתי רוצה לספר לאנשים.
737
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
כן. זה סיפור שאני רוצה לספר לאנשים.
738
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:48,120
אז זה הסיפור הנוסף היחיד
ששמעתי על אבא שלי, אוקיי?
739
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:54,168
אז, הסתובבתי עם הבחור הזה,
וביקשתי, "ספר לי כמה סיפורים על אבא שלי."
740
00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:57,129
הוא סיפר לי שהוא עשה הרבה קוקאין,
ואמרתי, "יש לך סיפורים אחרים?"
741
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
הוא אמר, "יש לי עוד אחד."
742
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
אמרתי, "אוקיי. בסדר."
הוא אומר, "אז פעם אחת..."
743
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:04,511
ככה הוא מדבר.
744
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:06,930
אני לא רוצה שתחשבו שיצרתי את הבחור הזה.
745
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,392
זה יהיה מביך, אבל ככה הבחור מדבר.
746
00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:14,730
הוא סיפר, "אז פעם אחת, אני ואבא שלך
הלכנו לפוקונוס לחתונה,"
747
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,191
עכשיו, פוקונוס הוא כמו בהאמה ל"זבל לבן".
748
00:46:17,274 --> 00:46:21,236
זה כאילו המקום שבו אתה הולך
לנסות ולתקן את הנישואים שלך
749
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
ולזיין באמבט בצורת לב,
750
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
ושמים רבע דולר במיטה, והיא רועדת,
751
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
ואתה כאילו, "זה רועד כמו החיים שלנו!"
752
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
אז הוא אמר, "אנחנו בפוקונוס, נכון?
753
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
אז אנחנו בחתונה, נכון?
754
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
אז אני בחתונה, ואתה יודע, אנחנו נהנים.
755
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
אנחנו רוקדים. דופקים את הראש, כנכון?
756
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
אנחנו דופקים את הראש."
757
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
אמרתי,"מגניב, אחי." משנת 87.
758
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
"דופקים את הראש." עדיין גאה בזה.
759
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,603
והוא אמר, "אז, אני ואבא שלך,
אנחנו בחתונה הזאת.
760
00:46:54,686 --> 00:46:57,606
אנחנו חולקים חדר, נכון?
אנחנו חולקים חדר בפוקונוס,
761
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:02,653
אז אני עם הבחורה הזאת,
ואני מנסה לזיין אותה, נכון? נכון?"
762
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:07,908
כאילו, הוא תמיד אמר "נכון?"
כמו שעמדתי לומר "לא. לא ככה קרה הסיפור."
763
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
מעולם לא שמעתי את זה. כן.
764
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
הוא אמר, "אז אני מנסה לזיין אותה, נכון?
אז אני מחפש את אבא שלך.
765
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,294
אני מחפש בכל החתונה.
אני כאילו, 'איפה אתה, סקוט?'"
766
00:47:20,379 --> 00:47:23,757
זה מה שהוא עשה. "הייתי כאילו,
איפה אתה? אני לא רואה אותך."
767
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:26,760
הוא הציג את זה בשבילי.
768
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
והוא כאילו, "אז חשבתי,
אולי הוא מזיין מישהי, נכון?
769
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
אז אני חוזר לחדר המלון, נכון?
אביך, לא מוצא אותו בשום מקום, נכון?
770
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
אז אני עם הבחורה הזאת, נכון?
ואנחנו פשוט מתחילים להזדיין, נכון?
771
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
וזה מטריף, נכון? אני מזיין אותה
בכל כיוון אפשרי, אתה יודע?
772
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
היא הייתה כאן. היא הולכת לשם
ואז נכנסנו לשירותים."
773
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,033
אמרתי, "יו. מתי אבא שלי נכנס לסיפור?
774
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:55,956
כי זה נשמע כמו סיפור על זיון
ספציפי באופן מוזר שאתה זוכר מ-87.
775
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
הוא אומר, "חכה. הוא מגיע.
אני רק רוצה שתדע שאני לא פחדן."
776
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
אני אמרתי, "אני יודע שאתה לא פחדן."
777
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
הוא אמר, "אז אנחנו מזדיינים, נכון?"
778
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
והוא אמר, "אתה יודע, היא גמרה.
אני גמרתי, אתה יודע.
779
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
היא קודם, כמובן, ואז גמרנו, נכון?
780
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
ואנחנו פשוט, שוכבים בזה, ו...
781
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
ולפתע, אני רואה בצד השני של החדר,
782
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
אני רואה קצה סיגריה בוער בחושך.
783
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
אני מדליק את האור. זה אבא שלך!
784
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
ואני אומר, 'סקוט! חיפשתי אותך.'
785
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,869
והוא אמר, 'היי, חבר'ה.
תודה על ההופעה בחינם.'"
786
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,290
והוא אמר, "עכשיו, זה אבא שלך."
787
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
והוא אמר, "זה לא סיפור נהדר?"
788
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:45,172
אמרתי, "לא! אתה לא מספר
את זה לאנשים, נכון?
789
00:48:45,631 --> 00:48:47,424
זה סיפור נוראי.
790
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
הבחורה הזאת בחיים? אני צריך
למצוא אותה, ולשלם לה עכשיו.
791
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
מה זה לעזאזל המידע הזה?"
792
00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:57,476
בכל מקרה, תודה שבאתם.
שיהיה לכם לילה טוב. תודה.
793
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
תרגום כתוביות: ליפא אביחי בוב
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
Louis C.K. megpróbált kirúgatni
a Saturday Night Live-ból.
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
Ez ennek a története.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Úgy 2014 vagy '15 lehetett,
az SNL fináléja volt.
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:20,645
Annyira meglepődtem,
és olyan boldog voltam,
5
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:25,108
hogy nem rúgtak ki, hogy ezt az érzést
azóta is hetente újraélem.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,821
Elképesztő volt.
Még mindig nem tudom elhinni. Elég vicces.
7
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:32,449
Szóval éppen ezt ünnepeltem.
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
Louis C.K. volt a házigazda,
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
és akkoriban
nagyon tisztelték mint humoristát.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Akkoriban. Ja, igen.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Akkoriban felnéztél rá,
és vágytál az elismerésére.
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
Akkoriban.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Akkoriban vágytál rá,
hogy kedves legyen hozzád.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Ő volt a házigazda,
és én baromi izgatott voltam,
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:01,269
ezért elszívtam egy füves cigit
az öltözőmben.
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
Amint épp a lift felé tartottam,
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,525
egy kisebb tömeg hallgatta Louis C.K.-t.
18
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:11,404
Stábtagokhoz, írókhoz
és más menő ürgékhez beszélt,
19
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,282
és láthatóan élvezték a beszélgetést,
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
szóval én nem akartam belefolyni.
21
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,996
Be voltam szívva.
Nem akartam elrontani a hangulatot.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Nem akartam, hogy tudja a pasi,
hogy létezem.
23
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Fejembe húztam a kapucnit, felcipzároztam,
24
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
és átsétáltam a lift másik oldalához,
25
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
hogy egyáltalán ne legyek útban.
26
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Megnyomtam a hívógombot, és vártam,
27
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
mire Louis C.K. hirtelen elhallgatott.
28
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Rám nézett, és így szólt:
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
„Nézzétek Pete-et! Kurvára be van szívva!
30
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Füvezik a munkában, bassza meg!
Hülye fasz!
31
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,857
A karriered is rá fog menni, te barom.”
32
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,571
Úgy be voltam szívva,
hogy azt mondtam: „Ez nem történt meg.”
33
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,532
„Nem.
34
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Nem.”
35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:03,039
Csak beképzeltem.
Valószínűleg azt mondta: „Csá holnap!”
36
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
Valószínűleg...
37
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Másnap mentem dolgozni,
és hívtak Lorne Michaels irodájából.
38
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
Ez aggasztó volt,
mert egy éve dolgoztam ott,
39
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
és a mai napig
nem kaptam tőle több hívást.
40
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Szóval ez gáz.
Felvettem a telefont, és azt mondták:
41
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
„Louis épp most jött ki Lorne irodájából.
Rólad beszélt,
42
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
és most Lorne szeretne veled beszélni.”
Én meg: „Hú, bassza meg.”
43
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,028
Azt gondoltam: „Most fognak kirúgni.”
44
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,823
Ezt hittem,
szóval próbáltam felhúzni magam.
45
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,034
Azt gondoltam:
„A picsába velük! Ők néznek ki hülyén.
46
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,745
Felvettek, majd kirúgtak.
Kétszer hibáztak.”
47
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Ugye? Kurvára. Belopózhatna hátra,
48
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
és senki sem vette volna észre.
Ki nem szarja le?
49
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Szóval sétálok be az irodájába,
és próbáltam jobb kedvre derülni.
50
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
Nyitom az ajtót, és ott ült Lorne.
51
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Nagyon össze volt zavarodva,
52
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
és én is zavarodottnak néztem ki,
mert ilyen az arcom.
53
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,272
Mintha valaki arra kért volna,
hogy osszak el valamit.
54
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Össze volt zavarodva, és mondta,
hogy üljek le.
55
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
Leültem, erre így szólt: „Szóval...
56
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis bejött az irodámba,
és azt mondta, füvezel.”
57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Én meg: „Igen.
58
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
A pletykáknak van némi igazságtartalma.”
59
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:45,475
Aztán láttam a szemében,
hogy nem tudta, mit mondjon.
60
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,895
A szemei azt súgták:
„Sajnálom, hogy erről kell beszélnünk,
61
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,940
de Louis beköpött,
és azt mondta, beszéljek veled.
62
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,900
Szerintem ez nem para,
63
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,237
mert mások kokóztak itt,
szóval te egy kis beszari vagy.
64
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Sajnálom, hogy erről kell beszélnünk.”
65
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:03,076
Ezt a szemében láttam.
Az én szemem azt mondta:
66
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,827
„Átérzem, haver.”
67
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Egy pillanatig kínos volt,
aztán csönd lett,
68
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,712
majd azt mondta: „Igen, szóval azt hiszem,
az lenne a megoldás...
69
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
mert azt mondta, sok füvet szívsz,
70
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
hogy talán figyelj jobban arra,
mennyi füvet szívsz.”
71
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
Én meg: „Oké, figyelni fogok.
72
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Rajta leszek az ügyön.
73
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Nem gond. Én mindig állom a szavam.”
74
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
Ő meg mondta, hogy: „Igen.
75
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Mint mondtam,
sajnálom, hogy erről kell beszélnünk,
76
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,989
de Louis szólt, és azt mondta,
hogy rá fog menni a karriered,
77
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,618
és hogy olyan sokat szívtál az irodában
hogy kényelmetlenül érezte magát.”
78
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
Én meg: „Basszus, tényleg?” Ő meg: „Aha.”
79
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
Erre megkérdeztem:
„Akkor ki vagyok rúgva?”
80
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
Azt mondta: „Nem.”
81
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:57,755
Kérdeztem: „Miért?” Mire ő: „Nem tudom.”
82
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Minden évben lejátszódik ez a beszélgetés.
83
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:08,808
„Most jött el az ideje?”
„Nem tudom. Még nem. Majd meglátjuk.”
84
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
Kurvára szarul esett.
Úgy jöttem ki az irodából,
85
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
hogy tudtam, Louis C.K. nem bír engem.
86
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
A világ egyik legjobb humoristája,
87
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
főleg akkoriban. Az egyik...
88
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Nagyon szar volt.
Egyáltalán minek stand-upozom,
89
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
ha ez a pasi nem bír engem?
Azt akarod, hogy elismerjen,
90
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
és ő nem bír engem, mert füvezek.
91
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Totál szívás volt,
92
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
és öt évig ezzel kellett együtt élnem.
93
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Majd egy gyönyörű szép reggelen...
94
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
felébredtem,
95
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
és az állt a hírekben:
„Louis C.K. kiveri a nők előtt.”
96
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
Én meg: „Ez az!”
97
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Mármint értitek.
Bár ne történt volna ilyesmi,
98
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
de ha már megtörtént,
örülök, hogy vele történt. Értitek?
99
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Oké.
100
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Én csak...
101
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Elmesélem, milyen durva kiverni
még akkor is, ha egyedül vagy.
102
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Tegyünk úgy, mintha mind ott lennénk!
103
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Velem vagytok?
104
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Egyedül kiverni rohadtul...
105
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
Volt már veletek olyan,
hogy sokáig tart, és nem tudsz elélvezni,
106
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,973
erre azt gondolod:
„Mekkora egy lúzer vagy!
107
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:36,145
Még egyedül se megy. Miből gondolod,
hogy bárki le akarna veled feküdni?”
108
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:42,110
Azt mondják, hogy ne nézz tükörbe közben.
Velem megtörtént, mert hülye vagyok.
109
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,530
De több ilyen nem lesz,
mert most koromsötétben verem ki.
110
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:49,951
Tényleg. Telefon lefordítva,
mert ha kapsz egy üzenetet,
111
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:54,038
az tükröződik a képernyőn,
és látod magad a sarokban, amint kivered.
112
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,289
És anya írt.
113
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Próbáltad már kiverni, miután anyukád írt?
Szinte lehetetlen.
114
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Nem lehetetlen, de majdnem az.
115
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,967
Nagyon nehéz volt, az biztos.
116
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
De tényleg szar volt ilyesmit hallani,
117
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,308
mert sajnáltam a nőket,
118
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,018
akik előtt kiverte.
119
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Nagyon szomorú az egész,
mert traumatizálta őket,
120
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:24,110
és ha tudták volna, hogy mikor Louis
előkapta a farkát és elkezdte verni,
121
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
csak rá kellett volna gyújtani
egy dzsointra.
122
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
Ő meg: „Bassza meg, az ott fű?
Ti betegek vagytok!
123
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Be foglak köpni!
Mekkora gennyládák vagytok!
124
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Rá fog menni a karrieretek.”
125
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
A haveromnak, akit anyagilag támogatok,
lett egy gyereke,
126
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:51,971
szóval apa lettem.
127
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Nem álltam készen rá.
128
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Nagyon izgatott volt, mikor hívott:
„Szuper híreim vannak, tesó!”
129
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:05,151
Én meg: „Szereztél munkát?”
Ő meg: „Nem, gyerekem született.”
130
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,613
Az a munkának a szöges ellentéte.
131
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Alig várom, hogy legyen gyerekem.
132
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Szerintem nem lenne nehéz.
A barátaimnak vannak gyerekeik,
133
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
és amikről panaszkodnak,
engem az nem zavarna.
134
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Mindig ugyanarról panaszkodnak:
„Tesó, ez bőg.”
135
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Én erre:
„Haver, menj át a másik szobába!”
136
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,723
Mindenki sír.
Megpróbálod elhallgattatni, aztán elhúzol.
137
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:39,727
Sokat sírok, de a barátaim azt mondják:
„Haver, mennem kell dolgozni.
138
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,479
Old meg! Ne olvasd a netet!”
139
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,402
Azt mondják, sír,
és a másik dolog, ami miatt panaszkodnak:
140
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
„Ez állandóan szarik.”
Ez sem igazán zavarna,
141
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
mert hát én is.
142
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Szóval nem gond,
ha kicsiben kell feltakarítani.
143
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
És amikor kitörlöd a gyerek seggét,
néha látsz olyan helyeket,
144
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
amit magadon nem vettél észre. Ja, igen.
145
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Nézed, hogy: „Hűha, még sosem láttam
ebből a szögből a seggem.
146
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,469
Figyelek majd arra a kis sarokra,
mikor megtörülközöm.”
147
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,933
Aztán kijössz a zuhany alól,
és: „Azt a kurva.”
148
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:28,067
Imádok gyerekekre vigyázni,
mert varázsgombázok,
149
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,860
ezért beszélek babanyelven.
150
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Igen, imádom. Igenis beszélgetnek.
151
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,201
A minap az unokaöcsém azt mondta...
152
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,829
Én meg: „Bűnügyi Akták, értettem.”
153
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Szóval...
154
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,711
A varázsgomba csúcsszuper.
Olyan, mintha egy hullámvasúton ülnél,
155
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
ami felfelé megy, és soha nem megy lefelé.
156
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Csak felfelé. Azt mondod: „Ez kurva jó!
157
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Ez baromi király! El se hiszem,
hogy ezt csináljuk! Úristen!”
158
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,431
Ezt négy órán keresztül.
159
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Fura dolog történt,
mikor a múltkor bébiszitterkedtem.
160
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
A haverom fiának jönnek a fogai.
161
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Épp a Bűnügyi Aktákat néztük,
162
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
én csak ott ültem,
neki meg jönnek a fogai,
163
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
és megragadta a kezem,
és elkezdte szopogatni az ujjaimat,
164
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
de jól csinálta.
165
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Mármint...
166
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
hagytam, hadd csinálja egy kicsit.
167
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,677
Aztán: „Nem! Ez igen, de nem szabad!”
168
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,020
Ez a vicc megosztja a közönséget.
169
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Tudom én. Nem most mondtam először.
170
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
Az ilyen viccek furák, de ez csak vicc,
és egy dumaszínházban vagyunk.
171
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,950
Az fura lenne, ha ez egy közgyűlés lenne
a városházán.
172
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
És megragadtam volna a mikrofont hogy:
„Hé, van pár ötletem.”
173
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,459
„Jól van, begombolom az ingem, és várok.”
174
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,384
A lányoknak el kéne mondaniuk a pasiknak,
mitől élveznek el.
175
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Mielőtt először szexelnek.
Elkélne egy kis tájékoztatás.
176
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Mert tudjátok, minden lány más.
Legalábbis ezt mondom magamnak.
177
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Mindenki más, és van egy,
aki belül halott.
178
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,532
Arra gondolok:
„Veled valami nincs rendben.”
179
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
De tényleg.
180
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Bocsánat. Néha vicces dolgokat mondasz.
181
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:58,467
El kéne mondaniuk, mitől élveznek el.
Nem amikor már benne vagytok.
182
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
Nem akarjátok megbántani a srácot,
de nem fogjátok.
183
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Lehet, hogy épp dugás közben vagytok,
184
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
és a lány azt mondja: „Ez szar.”
185
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
Mi meg: „Na és most? Jó? El van felejtve.”
Mintha meg se történt volna.
186
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Csak mondjátok el!
187
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
A pasiknál sokkal egyszerűbb ezt.
188
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Húzogatod, aztán valami kilövell, igaz?
189
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
Nagyon könnyű. Még a fiamnak is menne...
190
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
És elvileg a lányok
elég könnyen elélveznek.
191
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,256
Ha izzadsz és levegő után kapkodsz,
akkor rosszul csináltad.
192
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Én csak azt tudom,
amit a pornóban láttam,
193
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
mert egy anyával
és egy húggal nőttem fel.
194
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
És sosem beszéltünk erről.
195
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,934
Sosem volt olyan vacsora,
ahol elég merész voltam,
196
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,187
hogy megkérdezzem: „Hé, csajok.
197
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,733
Ha nem lennék a fiad vagy bátyád...”
198
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Szóval mindent a pornóból tanultam,
199
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
amiben sok volt a mozgás,
és a sikítozás...
200
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Aztán néha kiveszed,
lenyomsz pár fekvőtámaszt,
201
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
aztán vissza... Bocsánat.
202
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Szóval nem tudtam,
de szerencsére egy hölgy elmondta,
203
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
hogy van egy ilyen kis izéke a puncin.
204
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
Egy pici kis köröcske.
Ismeritek a bokszot?
205
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Olyan, mint az a cucc, ami így áll.
206
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
A csepp alakú bokszzsák.
207
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
A srácok vagy lassan ütik,
vagy nagyon gyorsan.
208
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
És úgy tűnik, a puncinál is így kell.
209
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Vagy csak nagyon lágyan hozzáérsz,
210
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
vagy ráveted magad ezerrel.
Ez a két lehetőség.
211
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Még csak át sem kell öltözni.
212
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
De ja, mondjátok meg a pasiknak!
213
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
A srácoknál egyértelmű, hogy működik,
214
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
de ha valaki lehúzná a gatyámat,
és elkezdené ütlegelni a farkamat,
215
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
Nem mondanám, hogy:
„Remélem, rájön, hogy kell!
216
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Kitört a háború.”
217
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Azt mondanám: „Ki küldött? Mi ez?
218
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
Merényletet próbálsz elkövetni?”
219
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:29,118
Van valami, amit egy pasi se szeret,
de félünk elmondani a lányoknak,
220
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
mert már olyan közel vagyunk
a döngöléshez...
221
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Nincs erre sok kifejezés,
222
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,755
ezért a „döngölés” a leghelyénvalóbb.
223
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Ezt leadják majd Nickelodeonon.
224
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:49,763
Igen. Ezért van rajtam öltöny,
mert általában nem viselek.
225
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:53,017
Általában készen állok rá,
hogy leöntsenek trutyival.
226
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:02,276
De találtam egy szép, női öltönyt
a Banana Republic-ban,
227
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:03,861
és kurva jól tolom benne.
228
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Mint egy elvált nő,
aki most szedte össze magát.
229
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
„Ne gyere vissza!
230
00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,584
Már van egy egész repertoárom.”
231
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
De mondom, mi az,
amit egy pasi sem szeret.
232
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Tudjátok, amikor a lány van felül,
mielőtt betolják a faszt.
233
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Tudom, nem a legszebb kifejezés,
de ha hiszitek, ha nem,
234
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,976
próbáltam öt másik kifejezést,
235
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,021
és a „betolják a faszt”
elsöprő győzelmet aratott.
236
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,901
Képzeljétek csak el,
milyen gáz volt a másik négy!
237
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:45,903
Máris jobban hangzik.
238
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,699
Na szóval ők vannak felül,
és épp el akarják nyelni a faszt...
239
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Na ugye? Igen.
240
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Igen. Szerintem is.
241
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,082
Te vagy felül,
és mindjárt betolod a faszt.
242
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Vannak lányok... A legtöbb lány elkezd
csúszkálni a faszon,
243
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
mielőtt beteszik.
És azt mondják: „Élvezed?”
244
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Nem, nem élvezzük. Kurvára fáj.
Légyszi, ne csináljátok ezt, lányok!
245
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Csak tedd be!
246
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Ez kurvára fáj.
247
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:22,815
Akár borotválod, akár nem,
mindenképp szúrós ott lent, igaz?
248
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
És ezt hozzádörzsölöd
a pucér kis farkunkhoz.
249
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Rohadtul fáj.
250
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
Te meg így: „Élvezed?”
251
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
„Nem. Kaptatok valaha száztűt a karotokra?
Mert olyan érzés.
252
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,664
Anyám fura barátai csinálnak ilyet,
amikor kimegy a szobából.”
253
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,669
Mindenki emlékszik arra a fura barátra.
254
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,465
Kettesben vagytok, ő meg:
„Hé, kölyök! Kaptál valaha száztűt?”
255
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:53,012
Először tetszik, de aztán:
„Hagyja abba, uram!”
256
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Egy pasi sem szereti ezt.
257
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
Nagyon rossz érzés. Mint a csiszolópapír.
258
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
A lányoknak nem tűnik fel,
259
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
mert az élvezet és a fájdalom
ugyanúgy néz ki az arcon.
260
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Mindkettő ilyen... szóval...
261
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
De tényleg nagyon fáj,
262
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
aztán a farkad hirtelen kipirosodik
263
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
és szét van szaggatva,
majd másnap felébredsz,
264
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
és nézel, hogy: „Ez meg mi a fasz?
265
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Mi ez?
266
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Van valami új nemi betegség, ami 24 órán
belül jelentkezik? Kész őrület.”
267
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Aztán elmegyek az orvoshoz.
„Haver, mi ez?”
268
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
Ő meg: „Meg kell tanulnod dugni.”
Én meg: „Micsoda? Ezt hogy érti?”
269
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,357
A Staten Island-i orvosok mások.
270
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Nem tudom. Én...
271
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Sok meleg barátom van.
272
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,163
Szeretem őket,
mert nincs annál őszintébb kapcsolat,
273
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:04,083
mint ami egy meleg
és egy heteró pasi közt van.
274
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
Nincs mit nyerni vele,
275
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
ezért teljes az őszinteség.
276
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
A meleg pasik a legőszintébb emberek
a világon.
277
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
Ugyan szemetek is...
278
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,972
Hívhatnám őszinteségnek is,
de igazából szemetek.
279
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Mondok egy példát.
280
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,478
Épp jöttem el anyámtól...
Na jó, én is ott lakom.
281
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Nem kell megmagyarázkodnom, bassza meg!
282
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
Elégedett vagyok a helyzettel.
283
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
De tényleg. Szeretek anyámmal lakni.
Mert az alagsorban lakom.
284
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
Egy egész lakás...
285
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
Aztán ott a felső emelet,
amin osztozunk...
286
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,714
mert lakótársak vagyunk.
287
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Van saját bejáratom az alagsorba.
Az van ráírva,
288
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
„Pete bejárata”.
289
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
De tényleg. Igen.
290
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,268
Rohadt király.
Végtelen mennyiségű cukorka.
291
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Most kinevettek,
pedig csak menő emberek léphetnek be.
292
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Anyának kopognia kell.
293
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Ja, nem ronthat csak úgy be, mindig kopog.
294
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
Na mindegy.
295
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Minden lánynak, akivel járok,
van egy rakás meleg barátja.
296
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
De mindig van egy meleg barát,
aki szerintem kurvára nem meleg.
297
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:38,802
A lányok most nevetnek.
A pasik meg: „Ja, Kyle az, bekaphatja.
298
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,389
Utálom azt a faszt.
Nem szólhatok semmit, pedig szeretnék.”
299
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Aki nem tudja, miről beszélek,
ez az, amikor a pasid azt kérdezi:
300
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
„Hé, mi van ezzel a Kyle-lal?
301
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,734
Tudod, a pasi, aki mindig veled lóg.”
302
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:57,487
A barátnőd mindig ugyanazt válaszolja:
„Ki? Az a Kyle?”
303
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:02,117
Te meg: „Igen, mi a helyzet?
Mi van azzal a fiúval? Mi a szitu?”
304
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
A barátnőd meg: „Jaj, ugyan már! Ő meleg.”
305
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
Te meg erre: „És ez bizonyított tény?
306
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Ez köztudott?
Még az utca embere is tudja?”
307
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:17,341
És a csajod mindig ugyanazt válaszolja:
„Nem, de mindenki tudja.”
308
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
Te meg: „Ez a pasi kurvára nem meleg.
309
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Nem tudhatom. Figyellek téged, Kyle.”
310
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:28,518
Az a sok pizsamaparti.
Ha utálod a puncit, miért ölelkezel vele?
311
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
Ez nagyon fura.
312
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Én sem ölelkezek
egy csomag parkolási bírsággal,
313
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
vagy ilyesmivel.
314
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Más dolgokkal igen,
amik elég jók számomra.
315
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Nem is értem.
316
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:50,249
Ezt a típusú meleg pasit úgy hívom,
hogy a taperoló.
317
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
A melegeknél nincsenek szabályok.
318
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:58,090
Azt teszik, amit csak akarnak.
Kész őrület, bassza meg!
319
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Sok sikert neked,
mert az övéké a hatalom.
320
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
De tényleg! Ugye vannak ezek a taperolók.
321
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Az a típusú pasi,
aki odaszalad a csajodhoz,
322
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,896
megmarkolja a mellét,
megpaskolja a seggét, majd:
323
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,648
„Állati dögös vagy, csajszi!”
324
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Én ezt kurvára nem találom viccesnek.
325
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Szeretem a melegeket,
nem vagyok melegellenes.
326
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
De kemény munka volt,
mire megfoghattam azt a cicit.
327
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,957
Rengeteg kibaszott szülinapot
kellett kihagynom.
328
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,583
Sok barátot vesztettem el.
329
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:37,296
Ohioban töltöttem a karácsonyokat...
330
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:42,551
Te meg csak úgy rácsaphatsz a seggére?
Ez rohadtul nincs így rendben.
331
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:48,056
Előtted csinálja.
Odamegy, ráver a seggére, kuncog.
332
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Csak mert megteheti.
333
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Én sosem tennék ilyet csak,
mert megtehetem.
334
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Nem mennék oda a pasijához,
és markolnám meg a farkát:
335
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,899
„Szép, Gary. Nekem nem jön be, de király!”
336
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Miért?
337
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,577
Mi van, heteró vagyok.
338
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Vannak szabályok, amik nem mindenkire
vonatkoznak. Nem értem.
339
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Nem tudom megérteni.
340
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,552
De nem mondhatok semmit,
mert már lejátszottam a fejemben,
341
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:28,764
ahogy biztos mások is,
és soha nem jól sül el.
342
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Mindig én veszítek.
343
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Odamegyek, ő ráver a seggére,
megmarkolja a mellét,
344
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
és röhögve táncikál.
345
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
Én meg: „Kyle, mi a fasz?”
346
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
És Kyle úgy dönt, most fog előbújni.
347
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,614
„Ja, meleg vagyok.”
348
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
És vége. Ő nyert.
Ennyi volt a veszekedés.
349
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Azt is mondhatnád, hogy: „Bocs.
350
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,918
Vagy lágyan érj hozzá,
vagy vesd rá magad!”
351
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
Fura, mert ez csak úgy működik...
352
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
Csak meleg pasi
és heteró lány közt működik.
353
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
Máshogy nem működik.
354
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Heteró pasi és leszbikus közt nem menne.
355
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,518
Nem foghatom meg egy leszbikus melleit,
és mondhatom:
356
00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:16,436
„Nem baj, mindketten utáljuk ezt.”
357
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
Sokszor bajba kerülök.
358
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,534
Mikor ide tartottam,
megállítottak a rendőrök.
359
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
Van más is, aki berakja Billy Joelt,
mikor megállítják?
360
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:39,459
Mert azt hiszed, a rendőr azt mondja majd:
„Jogosítványt... Billy Joel!
361
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:45,048
El innen, haver! Te nem vagy rohadék.
Azt hittem, 2 Chainzt hallgatsz.”
362
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
Az még kínosabb, ha nem működik.
363
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
Amikor ülsz ott,
ő meg: „Jogosítványt és forgalmi...
364
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
Kikapcsolná Bill Witherst?”
365
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Sokszor bajba kerülök.
366
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Tavaly bajba kerültem, mert viccelődtem,
367
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
és viccet csináltam egy úriemberből,
368
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,075
aki egy politikus, és szemfedőt hord.
Úgy hívják, Dan Crenshaw.
369
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Nem akartam semmi rosszat.
370
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Kiforgatták a szavaimat,
371
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
hogy valaki hírnévre tehessen szert,
372
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
de igen, én nem...
373
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Erről van itt szó. Szeretném...
374
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Mert nincs Twitterem,
375
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:31,219
szóval nem tudok mindig magyarázkodni,
ha valami rossz történik.
376
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Mondom: „Felveszek egy különkiadást,
és ott elmondom.
377
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:38,268
Ja, mivel az internetről már letiltottak.”
378
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,188
Szerintem ha felmennék a netre,
379
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,939
lecsuknának, vagy nem tudom.
380
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,652
Szóval mondtam egy viccet
erről a szemfedős fickóról,
381
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
aztán kényszerítettek rá,
hogy bocsánatot kérjek,
382
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
mert az emberek azzal fenyegetőztek,
hogy arcon lőnek.
383
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
Sajnos nem én vettem fel azt a telefont,
384
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
hanem a lakótársam...
385
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
és nem örült neki.
386
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
És a lakótársam azt mondta,
kérjek bocsánatot,
387
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
hogy ne lőjenek arcon.
388
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Szóval... én...
389
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
Ez történt. Mint mondtam,
nem szerepelek sokat az SNL-ben.
390
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Nem tudom, láttátok-e.
391
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Valószínűleg nem,
de minimálisan szerepelek benne.
392
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,280
Mi csak ültünk ott, és gondolkodtunk:
„Mi a faszt tudnál csinálni, haver?
393
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660
Te a roastosokkal vagy, ugye?
Szoktál roastokat csinálni.”
394
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
„Persze. Ez tök bevett. A roastosok. Oké.”
395
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
Azt mondják: „Roastolhatnál politikusokat
396
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
a hírek szekcióban.”
397
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Mondom: „Király.
Így kapnék még vagy hat epizódot.
398
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Ez kurva jó, szuper!”
399
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
A roastnál ugyanazok a szabályok,
mint a 8 Mérföldben.
400
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,641
Előbb magadon gúnyolódsz,
aztán meg mindenki máson.
401
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Szóval kaptam egy lapot,
ami tele volt arcokkal,
402
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
és elkezdtem vicceket írni.
403
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Egy pasi, egy nő...
404
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,572
aztán megláttam ezt a Dan Crenshaw-t.
És ugye szemfedője van.
405
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:17,033
Rögtön azt gondoltam:
„Ennek a pasinak van humorérzéke.”
406
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Mert szemfedője van.
407
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,748
Ha valaki elveszti a szemét,
van három másik opció,
408
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,293
mielőtt a szemfedőt választja. Komolyan!
409
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Ott az üvegszem,
aztán üvegszem és rajta szemüveg,
410
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
aztán jön a napszemüveg,
és csak azután a szemfedő.
411
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Mondom: „Ez a fickó vicces.
412
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Ez a fickó öntudatos. Mekkora egy arc!”
413
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:44,352
Szóval gondoltam,
írok egy ártalmatlan kis viccet,
414
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
vagy valamit. Gondoltam:
415
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
„Ez a pasi úgy néz ki, mint egy bérgyilkos
egy pornóban.”
416
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Egy ártalmatlan Saturday Night Live vicc,
417
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,364
ahol mindenki csak: „Jó, mehetünk tovább.”
418
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,034
Így beszélek a taxiban.
419
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,287
Ott szokták hallgatni.
420
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Ezt ki fogjuk vágni.
421
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Semmi gond, kivágjuk. Sosem történt meg.
Visszatérhetünk a dugáshoz.
422
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Vissza a dugáshoz. Meg sem történt.
423
00:27:20,388 --> 00:27:22,057
Ezt rég ki akartam próbálni.
424
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Gratulálok a dugáshoz!
425
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Kösz, hogy tovább nézitek a műsort.
426
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Elnézést.
427
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:36,029
Mindig várok egy ilyen beszólásra,
mikor a Netflixet nézem.
428
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Hé, haver, milyen volt? Jó?
429
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,541
Olyan volt, mint amire számítottál?
Remélem.
430
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,631
Jó lehetett
a Crenshaw-s résznél megállítani,
431
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:56,132
te kis rohadék.
432
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,639
Jól szórakozunk! Bocsánat.
433
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Nem is... semmi gond.
434
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,063
Szóval írtam egy aprócska viccet.
435
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:15,318
„Olyan, mint egy bérgyilkos egy pornóban.”
Leírtam. Nem agyaltam rajta.
436
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Aztán hirtelen,
437
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:22,033
pont mielőtt hívtak volna a kamerák elé,
az egyik haverom, aki segített megírni,
438
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:27,414
azt mondta: „Végeztem egy kis kutatást.”
Én meg: „Most?” Azt mondta: „Aha.”
439
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Mindig megvárják az utolsó pillanatot.
440
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
Azt mondta: „Ez a Dan Crenshaw pasi.
441
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
A szemét a háborúban vesztette el,
vagy valami ilyesmi.”
442
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
Én meg: „Mi van?”
Aztán: „Pete, a színpadra!”
443
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,221
„Bassza meg!”
A haverom meg: „Szuper leszel, ne parázz!
444
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
Téged fognak hibáztatni, nem engem.”
445
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Próbálok figyelmes lenni, ami nehéz,
446
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
mert mindig varázsgombát szedek,
vagy hasonlót.
447
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Szóval kurvára nehéz figyelmesnek lenni.
448
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Nem általánosságban,
hanem hirtelen figyelmesnek lenni.
449
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
Például: „Hé!” Te meg: „Jaj!”
450
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Köszönöm a 12 embernek, aki értette ezt.
451
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Ez egy vicc volt?
452
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,758
Mint mondtam,
a Netflixnél ilyet mindenki kap.
453
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Hékás, már megint dugtatok?
Király vagy, haver!
454
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Ismét köszönöm, hogy tovább nézitek.
455
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Nagyra értékelem.
456
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Ez jó lehetett, öreg. Erről van szó.
457
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
De a Crenshaw-s cucc alatt?
458
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
Ez kurvára...
459
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,823
Ezen veletek nevetek,
mert én is most hallom először.
460
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,998
Szóval a haverom most mondta,
hogy egy háborúban vesztette el a szemét.
461
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
Az jár a fejemben:
„Basszus, figyelnem kell erre.
462
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Bocsánatot kell kérnem a vicc után.”
463
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Előre kellett gondolkodnom.
464
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Úgyhogy kimentem,
és tényleg bocsánatot kértem.
465
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:07,263
Pontosan emlékszem, hogy volt.
Emlékszem, mit mondtam. Sosem felejtem el.
466
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Azt mondtam: „Dan Crenshaw úgy néz ki,
mint egy bérgyilkos egy pornóban.”
467
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Pár ember nevetett ugye.
468
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Majd azt mondtam:
469
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
„Sajnálom. Tudom, a háborúban
vesztette el a szemét, vagy ilyesmi.”
470
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:24,030
A „vagy ilyesminél” az emberek így:
„Amerika-gyűlölő!”
471
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:26,282
Én meg: „Nem!
472
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:30,620
Csak nem akartam valótlanságot állítani
a szeméről.” Már ez is baj?
473
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:33,122
A szemét elveszthette háborúban, vagy...
474
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:36,709
Lehet, Afganisztánban történt,
lehet szendvics készítés közben.
475
00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:37,669
Fogalmam sincs.
476
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:44,008
Bocs, hogy nincsenek Dan Crenshaw-kártyáim
az összes statisztikájával.
477
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Sajnálom. Ez csak egy szófordulat.
478
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Próbáltam figyelmes lenni.
479
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,183
Ott van Patton tábornok.
Amerika egyik legnagyobb hőse.
480
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
A náci Németországban halt meg
egy héttel a háború után, autóbalesetben.
481
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
De amikor beszélünk róla, azt mondjuk:
482
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
„A háborúban halt meg, vagy ilyesmi.”
483
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:07,073
Könnyebb ezt mondani, mint azt, hogy:
„Megnyerte a háborút,
484
00:31:07,156 --> 00:31:09,742
aztán vett egy rossz kanyart...” Igen.
485
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Ez egy szófordulat.
Attól még nem gyűlölöm Amerikát.
486
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Csak azt nem szeretem,
mikor azt mondják:
487
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
„A te hibád, hogy ez a pasi nyert”,
mert ez nem igaz.
488
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
Már bent volt a legtöbb szavazat,
489
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
és a fickó egy szemfedős republikánus
Texasban,
490
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:33,182
szóval nem is volt kérdés, hogy ő nyeri.
Igen, ezt is mondhattam volna.
491
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,520
Szerintem Texasban csak fotók vannak.
Az alapján szavaznak.
492
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Szóval nem miattam nyert a pasi, oké?
493
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
Az Amerika hibája volt.
494
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,449
Ahogyan ez is.
495
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Hát igen. Én nem csináltam semmit.
496
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,415
Az egyetlen dolog,
amiben hibás vagyok és bocsánatot kérek,
497
00:31:57,498 --> 00:32:01,252
az az, hogy ok nélkül híressé tettem.
498
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Azt tettem, amit Ariana Grande tett nekem,
ugye?
499
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Hát igen.
500
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Leszoptam a farkát az SNL-ben.
501
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Nem akartam ezzel viccelődni,
de egy haverom azt mondta:
502
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
„Nem rég azt hallottam, Ariana azt mondta,
nem tudta, ki vagy,
503
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
és csak figyelemelterelésből járt veled.”
504
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Szóval úgy érzem, ennyit megtehetek.
505
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:32,659
Ja. Amúgy ne tapsoljatok!
Ez nem egy Drake kontra Lil Wayne koncert.
506
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Ez nem verseny.
507
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Neki ott vannak a dalai,
nekem meg itt van ez.
508
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Igen. Szóval csak ennyi.
509
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Azt gondoljátok:
„Ez nem fair. Kiteregeted a szennyest.
510
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:51,302
Hogy mondhatsz ilyet? Hol mondta ezt?
A barátainak mondta otthon?”
511
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Nem, a Vogue magazin címlapján mondta.
512
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,814
El tudjátok képzelni milyen lenne,
ha én csinálok ilyet?
513
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:06,818
A karrieremnek holnap vége lenne.
Ha beugrok a szoliba,
514
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
onnan meg a Vogue magazin címlapjára,
515
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
és elkezdem ócsárolni az exemet.
El tudjátok képzelni...
516
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Ne tapsoljatok!
Ez egy Drake kontra Lil Wayne taps.
517
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,455
Nem szeretem az ilyet,
én a nevetést szeretem. Ez csak vicc.
518
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
El tudjátok képzelni, milyen lenne?
519
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:26,796
„Ja, csak unalomból dugtam a csajt,
aztán kijött az új Fortnite játék.”
520
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,635
Azt gondoljátok:
„Valami biztos történt vele.
521
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:37,557
Biztos voltak következményei ennek.”
Dehogy voltak! Ő kapta az Év Nője díjat.
522
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
Engem meg „karikás szeműnek”
hívott a barstoolsports.com.
523
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Néha az élet kissé igazságtalan.
524
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Ismétlem, ezek csak viccek.
Nem akarok senkit megsérteni.
525
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
A legnagyobb félelmem,
hogy egyszer fejbe lő
526
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,291
egy lófarkas kilencéves,
527
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
és azt fogom hallani utoljára,
hogy „nincs több hashtag,”
528
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
aztán nagy durranás, pont a tarkómba.
529
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Nem akarom feldühíteni a kilencéveseket.
530
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Nem, ő egy nagyon befolyásos nő, Ariana.
531
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Nagyon befolyásos nő, és nagyon okos is.
532
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,401
A Starbucksot élvezhetetlenné tette
számomra.
533
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
Múltkor mentem a Starbucksba.
534
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
„Egy közepes méretű kávét kérek.”
A pasi meg...
535
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Én meg: „Kapd be!
Átmegyek a Dunkin' Donutsba.
536
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Miért van belőle egyre kevesebb?
Nem találom.”
537
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Sokan kérdezik tőlem,
hogy milyen volt, mi történt...
538
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,304
Olyan, mint bármelyik másik szakítás,
csak mindenki tud róla.
539
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:04,227
Ja, én nem is...
De, tudtam, mibe keveredtem,
540
00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:06,145
de a fotós dologról nem tudtam.
541
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,732
Ha ezt tudom, elmegyek a bőrgyógyászhoz
randizás előtt.
542
00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:13,569
Elővigyázatosabb lettem volna,
de nem igazán...
543
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
Mint bármelyik szakításnál,
átjöttek a haverok. Mind hazudtak.
544
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
„Nem para, tesó.
Senki sem ismeri ezt a csajt.
545
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Semmi baj, haver. Jobb neked így.
Nincs gáz.”
546
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Aztán kijött az a dal,
547
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:28,751
a barátaim meg:
548
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:32,171
„Tesó, én nagyon szeretlek.
De ez a szar fülbemászó.
549
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Kemény lesz ez a nyolc hónap. Sajnálom.
550
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Bocs, de tényleg tetszik a szám.
551
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Bírlak téged, de...”
552
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Nagyapám azt mondta: „Ez nagyon baró.
553
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, ez nagyon baró. Sajnálom.
554
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Jó ez a szám,
pedig nem is hallgatok ilyesmit.”
555
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Értem én!
556
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Ez az egyetlen dolog,
ami nem tetszett az egészben,
557
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
és félreértések is voltak emiatt.
558
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Nem tetszett, hogy a farkamról beszélt.
559
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Ezt nagyon furának találtam.
560
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,550
Azt mondta: „Nem működött a kapcsolat,
de a farka jó volt.”
561
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Szerintem ez halál fura volt,
562
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,015
mert mindenki azt mondta:
„Ó, milyen bájos lány.”
563
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Álljunk meg egy pillanatra!
Na és ha én mondtam volna ezt?
564
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:33,065
Ha azt mondom: „Sajnálom, hogy
nem jött össze. De a puncija állati volt!
565
00:36:33,149 --> 00:36:34,483
Jó nedves!
566
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Jó kis punci, de sajnálom.”
567
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
Nevetséges.
568
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Csak így ültem ott...
569
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Ez volt az egyetlen dolog.
570
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Nem tetszett, mert nem igaz, amit mondott.
571
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Pici, apró kezei vannak.
572
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Nagyon picik a kezei.
573
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Neki minden kurvára nagynak tűnik.
574
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Az egész kapcsolat alatt
ezzel viccelődtünk.
575
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
„Szerinted hatalmas,
mások szerint meg kicsi. Ez király!”
576
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Na ugye?
577
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Felmerül a kérdés, hogy miért.
Ha ő ezt tudja,
578
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
miért mondaná azt mindenkinek,
hogy milyen nagy a farkam?
579
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Miért tenne ilyet?
Külsős szemmel úgy tűnik:
580
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,457
„Milyen kedves lány! Nem jött össze,
mégis szépen beszél a fiúról.
581
00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:34,919
Mindenkinek azt mondta,
jó farka van Pete-nek.”
582
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:36,003
Nem ezért mondta.
583
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Azért tette, hogy...
584
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
A csaj egy zseni.
Nagyon okos ember, oké?
585
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:45,471
Azért mondta, hogy minden lányt,
aki még látja a farkamat,
586
00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:48,140
csalódás érje életem végéig.
587
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Zseniális!
588
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Életem végéig szívok.
589
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Várjátok ki!
590
00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:04,573
Még csak nem is élvezhettem ki
a nagy péniszes nyaramat,
591
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:05,616
vagy hogy hívták.
592
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Kérlek, hagyd ezt abba!
A családom tud olvasni.
593
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Szegény anyám.
594
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Mindegy, lesz még pár vicc
szeptember 11-ről, aztán húzás.
595
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Hogy hangzik? Szuper.
596
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,925
Csak most nézem el,
hogy ujjongtok emiatt.
597
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Apám aznap halt meg.
598
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Azt mondták, ezt el kell mondanom
a viccek előtt,
599
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
mert vannak, akik nem tudják,
mire én azt feleltem,
600
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:36,063
hogy szerintem nem jó ötlet,
601
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
mert ettől csak kínos lesz az egész.
602
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
És tényleg. Igazam volt.
603
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,200
Ha meghal az apád, és az államnak
vagy a kormánynak dolgozott...
604
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,578
Tűzoltó volt. Bármi is legyen az.
605
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
A családod van, hogy kap egy kis pénzt.
606
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,585
Nem sok pénz. Egy kicsit. Így hát...
607
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:03,591
Emlékszem, anyukám, azért,
hogy a húgommal jobban érezzük magunkat,
608
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
egy medencét akart venni a pénzből.
609
00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:11,974
Gondolta, vesz egy medencét,
610
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,270
és akkor majd barátkozni akarnak velünk
az emberek, és átjönnek úszni.
611
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Ami kissé morbid.
612
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,776
Ússz a halálmedencében!
613
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
Kedves ötlet volt,
614
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
de a bomba ugrás más értelmet nyerne.
615
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,336
Úsznám a köröket minden nap.
„Most kiegyenlítettem?” Nem.
616
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Emlékszem,
hogy anya vett nekünk egy medencét.
617
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Hétéves voltam, amikor apám meghalt.
A gyerekek nem értik az ilyesmit.
618
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Nem tudják, mi történik.
619
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Meglett a medence,
és a suliban a gyerekek azt mondták:
620
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
„Haver, milyen szerencsés vagy!
Gazdag vagy, van medencéd.”
621
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:04,735
Én meg: „Ja, szerencsére van egy medencém,
amit minden nyáron könnyekkel töltök meg.
622
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Akkor vagy gazdag,
ha a saját szomorúságodban úszhatsz.
623
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:11,951
Még jó, hogy Osama bin Laden ébresztője
szólt aznap.
624
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:14,120
Különben nem lenne medencém, bassza meg!
625
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Sajnálom. Légyszi gyere át!”
626
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
Ezt benne hagyjuk, Jason. Nem érdekel.
627
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Na mindegy.
Csináltam egy műsort apámról nyáron.
628
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Volt egy forgatás.
629
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Szóval kellett végeznem egy kis kutatást,
630
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
ezért apám barátaival kellett lógnom.
631
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
Staten Islandről származom, ahogy apám is,
632
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:41,564
szóval hasonlítunk a barátaival.
Szörnyű emberek vagyunk.
633
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Szó szerint hulladék emberek vagyunk.
634
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Arról vagyunk híresek, hogy miénk
a világ legnagyobb szemétdombja,
635
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,116
amit látni az űrből.
636
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Ezt mondja a taxisofőr,
amikor Staten Islandbe érsz.
637
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,290
„Tudtad, hogy itt van
a világ legnagyobb szemétdombja?”
638
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:01,375
Nem azt mondja: „Nézd azt a fát!”
639
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
És hogy mi történt a szemétdombbal?
Mi lett vele?
640
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,134
Építettek rá egy parkot.
641
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
Azt kérdezed,
hogy eltakarították-e a szemetet?
642
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Nem.
Csak építettek rá egy kibaszott parkot.
643
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Szóval tíz év múlva, mikor kezd szétesni,
644
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
majd '98-as Hondák szurkálják
a gyerekeket.
645
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Próbálom elmagyarázni,
milyenek a Staten Island-iak.
646
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Ez nem jó példa.
647
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:39,705
Olyan, mintha egy piros Marlborót
beledobnál a kádba, és az életre kelne.
648
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Olyan...
649
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
Olyan...
650
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
egy Staten Island-i pasas.
651
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Szóval, találkoznom kellett a barátaival.
652
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Az összes történet, amit apámról ismertem,
hétéves koromból származott,
653
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:04,897
ezért a történetek, amiket most meséltek,
nagyon mások voltak.
654
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Azt se tudom, ki ez a csávó.
Mondok egy példát.
655
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:14,365
Kiskoromban apám barátai azt mondták:
„Apád nagy ember volt.
656
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,869
Régen kosaraztunk,
és együtt írtuk meg a leckét.
657
00:42:18,953 --> 00:42:21,163
Mindig megette, ami a tányérján volt.
658
00:42:25,626 --> 00:42:27,878
Mindig megette, ami a tányérján volt.
659
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Edd meg!”
660
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Miért?
661
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Rájöttem.
662
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
Persze, hogy nehéz
mindent megenni hétévesen.
663
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
A felnőttek ugyanannyit szednek,
mint maguknak,
664
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:43,352
pedig harmadakkorák vagyunk.
A tányér harmada után tele vagyunk,
665
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:47,982
és nem segít, ha azt kiabálod: „Egyél!”
Csak mindenki elhízik.
666
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,777
Anyám azt mondogatta:
„Afrikában éheznek a gyerekek.”
667
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Így keltett bennem bűntudatot.
668
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,865
Én meg: „Az lehet, viszont
669
00:42:56,949 --> 00:43:01,287
ha egy afrikai gyerek megette volna
ennek a harmadát, ő is tele lenne.”
670
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Bírom, hogy a közönség fele így:
„Ez vicces,”
671
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
a másik fele meg:
„Szerintem ez nem oké, haver.”
672
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,174
Majd megnézzük Twitteren. Az a döntő.
673
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,220
A Twitter lett a mennyek kapuja.
674
00:43:19,763 --> 00:43:21,932
Ők döntenek az emberek jövőjéről.
675
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,688
Mindegy, találkoznom kellett
apám barátaival,
676
00:43:27,771 --> 00:43:30,441
És kérdeztem: „Mesélj az apámról!”
677
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
Ő meg: „Állandóan csak kokóztunk!”
678
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
Én erre: „Mi van?”
679
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,493
Azt mondta: „Sajnálom.
Nem kellett volna elmondanom?”
680
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
„Nem, nem gáz.
Csak nem számítottam erre.
681
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Kiskoromban mindig azt hallottam,
hogy sokat kosarazott,
682
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
megírta a háziját
és mindent eltüntetett a tányérjáról.
683
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Mondjuk a harmadik még így is igaz,
de... ja.
684
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Nem voltam...” Erre ő:
„Bocs, tapintatosabb legyek?
685
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Túl sok ez az információ?”
Én meg: „Nem, csak mint mondtam,
686
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
mindig is tudtam, hogy apám egy hős volt,
687
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:15,611
de azt nem tudtam, hogy egy szuperhős is.
Nem tudtam, hogy ennyire menő volt.”
688
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
A '90-es évek embere, kokózott,
és tüzet oltott. A pasi egy legenda!
689
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,284
Irtó büszke vagyok rá.
690
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
A fülemig ért a vigyor.
Milyen király már ez!
691
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
Képzeljétek el! Ég a házad.
692
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:32,127
Jön a tűzoltóautó. Kiszáll egy pasi:
„Megyek a tűzcsapért.” Kiszáll egy másik:
693
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
„Lezárom a területet.” Majd kiszáll apám:
694
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:37,132
„Induljunk, a kurva életbe!
695
00:44:38,884 --> 00:44:40,219
Nem kell sisak!”
696
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Köszönöm!
697
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Jó éjszakát! Köszönöm szépen.
698
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,307
Kösz, hogy eljöttetek.
699
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Köszönöm.
700
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
MIT CSINÁLJ, HA HATALMAS A PÉNISZED?
701
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON TELT HÁZ
702
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Elmondom. Vége a műsornak,
de ezt a történetet szeretném elmesélni.
703
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Igen, ezt el akarom mesélni.
704
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Ez a másik történet,
amit apámról hallottam.
705
00:45:48,954 --> 00:45:53,751
Szóval épp együtt lógtam ezzel a fazonnal,
és kértem, meséljen apámról.
706
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
Azt mondta, sokat kokózott.
Kérdeztem, van-e másik történet.
707
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
Azt mondta: „Van még egy.”
708
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
Hát jó. Azt mondta: „Volt egyszer...
709
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:07,264
Amúgy így beszél. Nem akarom,
hogy azt higgyétek, én találtam ki.
710
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Az kínos lenne,
de a fickó tényleg így beszél:
711
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
„Egyszer apáddal elmentünk
a Pocono hegyekbe egy esküvőre.”
712
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
A Pocono végső soron a csóró Bahamák.
713
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
Ide mész, ha próbálod megmenteni
a házasságodat.
714
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,155
Egy szív alakú kádban dugtok,
715
00:46:23,238 --> 00:46:26,116
és teszel egy érmét az ágyba,
mire elkezd rázkódni.
716
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
Te meg: „Rázkódik, akár az életünk!”
717
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Azt mondta: „Poconoban vagyunk, igaz?
718
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Egy esküvőn, igaz?
719
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Ott vagyunk az esküvőn,
jól érezzük magunkat.
720
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,176
Táncolunk, és kurvára be vagyunk baszva,
igaz?”
721
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:49,515
Mondom: „Szuper vagy, haver.” '87-ben.
„Be voltunk baszva.” Most is büszke rá.
722
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
Azt mondta: „Ott voltunk az esküvőn.
723
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Osztoztunk a szobán Poconoban,
724
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
és én egy lánnyal voltam,
akit meg akartam dugni, igaz? Igaz?”
725
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:07,908
Mindig azt mondta: „Igaz?”
Mintha én azt mondanám: „Nem így történt.”
726
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Most hallom ezt először. Igen.
727
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
„Szóval meg akartam dugni, igaz?
Ezért kerestem apádat.
728
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Mindenhol kerestem.
Hívtam, hogy: 'Hol vagy, Scott?'”
729
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Így mondta.
„Azt mondtam: 'Hol vagy? Nem látlak.'”
730
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Eljátszotta nekem.
731
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
Azt mondta: „Úgyhogy azt gondoltam,
lehet, hogy ő is épp dug valakit, igaz?
732
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Visszamentem a hotelszobába.
Az apád sehol se volt, igaz?
733
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Én ott voltam ezzel a lánnyal,
és elkezdtem beküldeni neki.
734
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
Kurva jó volt.
Mindenféle pozícióban adtam neki.
735
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Idefent is betoltam neki, aztán átment,
bementünk a fürdőbe.”
736
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
Én meg így: „Mikor jön be apám a képbe?
Mert eddig
737
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
ez csak egy túl részletes szextörténet,
amire emlékszel '87-ből.”
738
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
Ő meg: „Várd ki a végét. Nem akarom,
hogy azt hidd, beszari vagyok.”
739
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
„Tudom, hogy nem vagy beszari.”
740
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Azt mondta: „Szóval épp dugtunk.
741
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
A csaj elélvez, én is elélvezek.
742
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Nyilván először a csaj.
És aztán végeztünk, igaz?
743
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
Szóval csak feküdtünk ott benne, és...
744
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
hirtelen a szoba túloldalán
745
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
megláttam
egy sötétben csillogó cigarettacsikket.
746
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,821
Felkapcsoltam a lámpát, és apád volt az!
747
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:33,785
Azt kiáltottam: 'Scott! Téged kerestelek!'
Ő meg: 'Kösz az ingyen műsort.'”
748
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:42,294
Erre azt mondta: „Na ilyen volt az apád.
Hát nem nagyszerű történet?”
749
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
Én meg: „Nem!
750
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Ilyet nem szokás elmesélni. Ez borzasztó.
751
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,637
Ez a lány még él? Most meg kell találnom,
és le kell fizetnem.
752
00:48:51,720 --> 00:48:53,639
Mi a fasz volt ez az egész?”
753
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Köszi, hogy eljöttetek. Jó éjszakát!
Köszönöm.
754
00:49:21,458 --> 00:49:23,919
A feliratot fordította: Somogyi Julianna
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
Louis C.K. berusaha membuatku dipecat
dari SNL di tahun pertamaku,
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
dan ini kisahnya.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Jadi, sekitar tahun 2014 atau 2015,
dan itu episode penutup SNL,
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
dan aku sangat terkejut
dan bahagia bahwa aku tak dipecat,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
dan ini perasaan lega yang membawaku
hidup kembali setiap minggu.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
Sangat luar biasa.
Aku masih tak percaya. Lucu sekali.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Jadi, aku merayakannya.
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,743
Louis C.K. membawakan programnya,
dan saat itu
9
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:37,829
dia juga adalah komedian
yang sangat dihormati.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Ya, saat itu.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Saat itu, orang mengagumi
dan mencari pengakuan darinya,
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
saat itu.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Saat itu, orang ingin dia berlaku ramah
pada mereka.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Lalu, dia menjadi pembawa program
dan aku sangat senang.
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
Jadi, aku merokok ganja
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
di kamar gantiku.
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:03,772
Dan saat aku pergi ke lift,
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
Louis C.K. sedang dikerumuni,
19
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
mengobrol dengan
beberapa pemeran dan penulis,
20
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
dan layaknya orang keren,
mereka jelas mengobrol dengan seru,
21
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
lalu aku merasa,
"Aku tak ingin terlibat."
22
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Aku teler
dan aku tak mau membuat orang kesal.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Aku tak mau orang itu tahu aku ada.
24
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Jadi, kukenakan jaket tudungku,
menutupnya erat,
25
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
dan aku berjalan ke sisi lain lift
26
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
agar aku tak menghalangi.
27
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Lalu kutekan tombol liftnya,
dan menunggu di sana,
28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
dan tiba-tiba,
Louis C.K. menghentikan obrolannya.
29
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Dia menunjukku dan berkata,
30
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
"Lihat betapa telernya Pete, si Idiot itu.
31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Hanya teler di tempat kerja. Dasar bodoh.
32
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
Kariermu bakal tamat karena teler. Idiot."
33
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Dan aku sangat teler, kupikir,
"Yang tadi pasti tak nyata."
34
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Aku berkata, "Tidak.
35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Tidak."
36
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,037
Pasti ada yang salah padaku, pasti.
37
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,039
Dia mungkin bilang,
"Sampai besok, Jagoan."
38
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
Kau tahu, mungkin...
39
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Jadi, aku pergi kerja keesokan harinya
dan kantor Lorne Michaels meneleponku.
40
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
Ini mengkhawatirkan
karena aku sudah di sana selama setahun,
41
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,095
dan aku tak pernah ditelepon sama sekali
dari kantornya sampai saat itu.
42
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,974
Aku bilang dalam hati, "Sial." Kau tahu?
Aku jawab teleponnya dan mereka berkata,
43
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"Hei, Louis baru keluar dari kantor Lorne.
Dia datang untuk membicarakanmu,
44
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
dan sekarang Lorne ingin bicara denganmu."
Lalu kujawab, "Sial. Baiklah. "
45
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Aku bergumam, "Aku akan dipecat."
46
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Ini yang kupikirkan,
jadi aku coba menghibur diri.
47
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Aku hanya berpikir,
48
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
"Persetan mereka.
Mereka yang terlihat bodoh.
49
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
Mereka pekerjakan dan memecatmu.
Dua kali salah."
50
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Paham? Memang.
Bahkan, jika itu kekeliruannya sendiri
51
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
maka tak akan ada yang tahu.
Siapa peduli, 'kan?
52
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Jadi, aku masuk ke kantornya,
mencoba merasa percaya diri,
53
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
aku membuka pintu,
dan Lorne duduk di sana.
54
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Dan dia terlihat sangat bingung
55
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
sama seperti aku,
karena begitulah penampilanku.
56
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Aku terlihat seperti
kau memintaku untuk membelah diri.
57
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Jadi, dia tampak bingung,
dan berkata, "Duduklah."
58
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
Aku duduk, dan dia berkata, "Jadi...
59
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis datang dan memberitahuku
bahwa kau merokok ganja."
60
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Dan aku jawab, "Ya.
61
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
Rumor yang kau dengar adalah benar."
62
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
Lalu kulihat matanya, dia tampak lesu,
63
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
seakan kehilangan kata-kata.
Karena melalui matanya, dia seperti,
64
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Maaf karena kita harus membicarakan ini,
65
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,481
tapi Louis megadukanmu
dan memintaku bicara kepadamu,
66
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,942
dan secara pribadi,
kupikir ini bukan masalah besar
67
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:57,362
karena dulu orang memakai kokaina di sini,
dan menurutku kau cemen.
68
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Aku minta maaf
kita jadi membicarakan ini."
69
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
Aku baca dari tatapannya,
dan dengan tatapanku,
70
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
aku bilang, "Tentu saja, Kawan."
71
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Kau tahu, saat itu
hanya berisi kecanggungan dan sunyi
72
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,712
lalu dia berkata, "Ya, jadi,
yang bisa kau lakukan adalah, kurasa,
73
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
karena katanya kau sering merokok ganja,
74
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
jadi, mungkin kau bisa awasi
jumlah ganja yang kauisap."
75
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
Dan aku berkata,
"Baiklah, akan kuawasi."
76
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
"Tak akan lepas dari pengawasanku."
77
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Aku bilang, "Tak masalah.
Aku selalu menepati janji."
78
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
Dia bilang, "Ya."
79
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Dan berkata, "Sekali lagi,
maaf karena membicarakan ini denganmu,
80
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
tapi Louis mengingatkanku
81
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
dan berkata, kariermu bakal tamat
82
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
dan kau merokok banyak ganja
di kantor tempo hari
83
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
sampai itu yang membuatnya tak nyaman."
84
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
Reaksiku, "Astaga. Benarkah?"
Dia bilang, "Ya."
85
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
Dan aku balas, "Jadi, aku dipecat?"
86
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
"Tidak," katanya.
87
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
Aku tanya, "Kenapa?"
88
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,547
Dan dia jawab, "Aku tak tahu."
89
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Yang, lagi-lagi,
adalah percakapan rutin tahunan kita,
90
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,471
"Apakah ini tahunnya?"
91
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
"Entahlah. Belum.
Nanti kita pikirkan. Entahlah."
92
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
Dan itu menggangguku,
aku harus meninggalkan kantor dengan itu,
93
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
bahwa Louis C.K. tidak menyukaimu.
94
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Salah satu komedian terbaik,
95
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
terutama di saat itu, salah satunya...
96
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Itu menggangguku,
kenapa aku melakukan komedi tunggal
97
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
jika orang ini tak menyukaiku?
Orang ingin pengakuan dari dia,
98
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
dan aku berkata, "Pria ini tak menyukaiku
karena aku merokok ganja?"
99
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Itu menyebalkan,
100
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
dan aku harus menerima itu
setelah lima tahun, kau tahu?
101
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Lalu, di satu pagi yang cerah...
102
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
aku terbangun,
103
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
dan aku baca Louis CK masturbasi
di depan banyak wanita,
104
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
dan reaksiku adalah, "Asyik!"
105
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Kau tahu maksudku.
Aku tak mau itu terjadi,
106
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
tapi jika itu menimpa seseorang,
aku senang dia orangnya. Masuk akal, 'kan?
107
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Oke.
108
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Tidak, hanya saja...
109
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Biar kuberi tahu betapa menyebalkannya
masturbasi sendirian, ya?
110
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Ya, sendirian dengan diriku sendiri.
111
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Tak apa?
112
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Kau tahu,
masturbasi sendirian adalah di mana...
113
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
Pernahkah kau masturbasi
dan butuh waktu lama,
114
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,429
dan kau bahkan tak bisa ejakulasi,
115
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
lalu kau seperti, "Dasar pecundang.
116
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,309
Memuaskan diri sendiri saja tak becus.
117
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:36,562
Apa yang membuatmu berpikir
orang lain mau memuaskanmu?" Kau tahu?
118
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Ada kisah lama,
saat kau melihat dirimu di cermin?
119
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
Itu terjadi padaku karena aku bodoh.
120
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Tidak lagi, karena sekarang aku
masturbasi dalam gelap gulita.
121
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Ya, benar.
122
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,909
Membalikkan ponsel,
karena kau bisa menerima pesan
123
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:51,536
dan cahaya akan memantul ke cermin
124
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,038
lalu kau mendapati dirimu
masturbasi di pojokan.
125
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,289
Pesan ibu di paling atas.
126
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Kau pernah coba masturbasi setelah
dapat pesan dari ibu? Hampir mustahil.
127
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Aku tak bilang mustahil,
tapi hampir mustahil.
128
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Itu satu hal tersulit
yang harus kulakukan.
129
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,098
Tapi, aku jadi kesal mendengar semua ini
130
00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:14,267
sebab aku merasa kasihan pada semua wanita
131
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,018
yang menyaksikan dia onani.
132
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Itu sungguh menyedihkan,
karena sangat memengaruhi mereka,
133
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,774
dan jika mereka tahu saat Louis
134
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,110
mengeluarkan penisnya dan mulai onani,
135
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,654
andai mereka membakar linting ganja,
dia pasti bilang,
136
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,074
"Sial. Apa itu ganja?
Astaga. Dasar binatang.
137
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Akan kuadukan. Dasar berengsek. Keparat.
138
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Kariermu bakal tamat."
139
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Temanku yang aku bantu keuangannya
memiliki anak,
140
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,971
jadi aku seorang ayah.
141
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Sebenarnya aku belum siap.
142
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Dia meneleponku. Kegirangan.
Dia bilang, "Aku punya kabar bagus."
143
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
Kujawab, "Kau dapat pekerjaan?"
144
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
Dan katanya,
"Bukan. Aku akan memiliki anak."
145
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
Dan aku bilang,
"Wow, itu kebalikan dari pekerjaan."
146
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Aku tak sabar punya anak,
aku sangat antusias.
147
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Aku tak mengira itu sangat sulit.
Tidak, karena semua temanku punya anak,
148
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
dan keluhan mereka
tak terlalu menggangguku.
149
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Semua keluhan mereka sama.
Seperti, "Bung, dia menangis."
150
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Dan kujawab,
"Bung, pergilah ke ruangan lain."
151
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,888
Semua menangis. Kau tahu?
152
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,723
Kau coba hentikan, lalu kau pergi.
153
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,808
Aku selalu menangis.
Hingga kawanku berkata,
154
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,727
"Kawan, aku harus kerja. Entahlah.
155
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,521
Urus sendiri. Putuskan koneksi."
156
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Jadi, mereka bilang bayinya menangis,
157
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
dan keluhan lainnya adalah,
158
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
"Hei, dia berak terus-menerus."
Dan itu tak terlalu menggangguku
159
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
karena kau tahu, aku juga.
160
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Jadi aku tak keberatan membersihkannya
dalam skala lebih kecil.
161
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Selain itu, saat kau bersihkan anak-anak,
kadang kau melihat bagian
162
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
yang mungkin terlewatkan
jika pada dirimu. Paham?
163
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Kau seperti, "Wah, aku belum pernah lihat
anusku dari sudut ini sebelumnya."
164
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
"Akan kubersikan sudut itu
saat aku keluar dari pancuran mandi."
165
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:17,431
Kau menyingkir dari pancuran dan bilang,
166
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,933
"Berengsek."
167
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
Aku suka menjaga anak,
168
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:29,777
karena aku konsumsi sedikit jamur,
jadi aku paham bahasa bayi.
169
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:34,198
Aku menyukainya. Mereka bicara, 'kan?
170
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
Suatu hari, keponakanku seperti, "Bleh,"
171
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,829
dan aku seperti,
"Forensic Files. Aku paham."
172
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Jadi, aku...
173
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
Jamur itu luar biasa.
174
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
Jamur terasa seperti
saat kau berada di kereta luncur
175
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,630
dan kau naik ke atas,
tapi tak pernah turun.
176
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Hanya saja saat menanjak
kau merasa, "Ini gila!
177
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Ini luar biasa! Aku tak percaya
kita melakukan ini. Astaga!"
178
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
selama empat jam.
179
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Sesuatu yang aneh terjadi
saat aku menjaga anak kemarin.
180
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Temanku,
putranya sedang tumbuh gigi, benar?
181
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Jadi, kami menonton Forensic Files,
182
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
dan aku hanya duduk
dan dia merasakan giginya tumbuh,
183
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
lalu dia memegang tanganku
dan mulai mengisap jariku.
184
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
Tapi terasa enak.
185
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Seperti...
186
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Aku jelas mendiamkannya sesaat.
187
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Aku berkata, "Tidak! Wow, tapi jangan!"
188
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,895
Aku tahu lelucon itu membelah reaksi.
189
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Aku tahu. Ini bukan kali
pertama aku melakukannya.
190
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,445
Aku tahu lelucon itu aneh,
191
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,906
tapi ini lelucon, ini kelab komedi.
192
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Akan aneh jika ini pertemuan balai kota,
193
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
dan aku ambil mikrofonnya,
lalu berkata, "Hei, ini ide yang kupunya."
194
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,459
"Bagus, aku akan berpakaian yang rapi."
195
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,092
Kurasa wanita harus beri tahu pria
cara membuat mereka orgasme.
196
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Seperti pertama kali kau berhubungan seks.
Sebelumnya berilah arahan, ya?
197
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,268
Karena ternyata tiap wanita berbeda,
itu yang kucoba
198
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,603
bilang pada diri sendiri.
199
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,527
Semua orang berbeda,
dan kurasa salah satunya mati rasa.
200
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
Ya, aku berkata,
"Tidak, kau memang rusak saja."
201
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Maaf. Entahlah.
Terkadang kau mengatakan hal yang aneh.
202
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Ya, cewek harus mengajari cowok
cara buat mereka orgasme.
203
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Bukan saat mereka nyaman.
204
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
Aku tahu kau tak ingin sakiti
perasaan pria, tapi tak akan.
205
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,182
Tidak akan.
Kami bisa saja di tengah-tengah bercinta,
206
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,643
dan kalian bilang, "Aku benci ini",
dan kami akan,
207
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"Bagaimana ini? Enak? Oke, dilupakan."
Itu bahkan tak terjadi. Kau tahu?
208
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Cewek harus beri tahu cowok.
209
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Kurasa hal-hal menyangkut pria
sangatlah jelas, bukan?
210
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Cowok tinggal mengocok saja
lalu keluar berhamburan, 'kan?
211
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
Itu sangatlah mudah.
Putraku bisa melakukannya, dan...
212
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Tapi ya, rupanya,
tak seberapa sulit membuat cewek orgasme.
213
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,463
Jika kalian gerah dan kehabisan napas,
214
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,256
kupastikan kalian salah.
215
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Tapi, yang kutahu dari pornografi
216
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
karena aku tumbuh hanya
bersama ibu dan saudariku, paham?
217
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Kami tak pernah membahas seksualitas.
218
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Tak pernah ada makan malam di mana
aku merasa nyaman membicarakannya,
219
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
seperti "Hei.
220
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
Jika aku bukan putra atau saudaramu..."
221
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Jadi, semua yang kutahu berasal dari
film porno
222
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
artinya penuh gerakan, jeritan dan...
223
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Di mana terkadang cukup keluarkan,
lalu melakukan push-up,
224
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
lalu langsung masuk... Maaf.
225
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Jadi, aku tak begitu tahu. Tapi untungnya,
seorang wanita memberitahuku
226
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
bahwa ternyata ada benda kecil di vagina.
227
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
Seperti lingkaran kecil.
Berbentuk agak... Kau tahu, tinju?
228
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Bentuknya mirip benda menggantung itu.
229
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Seperti speed bag.
230
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,274
Benda yang pria pukul pelan lalu cepat
231
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
dan ternyata vagina sama saja.
232
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Kalian tinggal mengetuknya dengan halus...
233
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
atau pacu saja dengan kencang, ternyata.
Ada dua pilihan.
234
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,289
Ya.
Bahkan tak perlu mengganti baju.
235
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Tapi, beri tahu si cowok.
236
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Seperti kataku,
persoalan pria sudah sangat jelas,
237
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,552
tapi jika seseorang menarik celanaku
dan mulai meninju penisku,
238
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
aku tak akan bereaksi,
"Astaga. Kuharap dia bisa paham.
239
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,893
Aduh.
240
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Ini perang."
241
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,148
Aku akan berkata,
"Siapa yang mengutusmu? Apa ini?
242
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
Percobaan pembunuhan?"
243
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Ini adalah sesuatu yang tak disukai pria,
tapi kami takut memberi tahu wanita,
244
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
karena kami hampir bisa bercinta...
245
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Tak banyak kata untuk mengatakan apa itu
246
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
jadi, "bercinta" adalah
247
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
yang paling tepat...
248
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Ini akan disiarkan di Nickelodeon.
249
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Ya. Karena itu aku pakai setelan,
karena biasanya tidak.
250
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Aku selalu berpakaian
seperti aku siap untuk disiram slime.
251
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,775
Tapi aku menemukan setelan wanita bagus
di Banana Republic,
252
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
dan aku sangat cocok memakainya.
253
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Aku seperti istri yang bercerai
yang sangat tegar.
254
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Jangan kembali.
255
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,208
Aku punya repertoar sekarang."
256
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Tapi, ini sesuatu yang tak disukai pria.
257
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Seperti saat wanita di posisi atas
sebelum memasukkan penis ke dalam?
258
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Aku tahu itu bukan penjelasan terbaik,
tapi percaya atau tidak,
259
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
aku sudah mencoba lima kali,
260
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
dan "memasukkan penis ke dalam"
itu menang dengan telak.
261
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Jadi, bayangkan betapa buruknya
empat lainnya, 'kan?
262
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Tapi, ini lebih baik.
263
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,616
Jadi, kau tahu saat cewek di atas
dan akan menyodokkannya ke dalam?
264
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Paham?
265
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Ya? Itu maksudku.
266
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,290
Saat kalian di atas
dan kalian mau memasukkan penis ke dalam?
267
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Sebagian wanita suka mulai menggesek
di atas penis
268
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
sebelum memasukannya.
Mereka bilang, "Ya. Apa kau suka ini? "
269
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Tidak, sama sekali. Sangat menyakitkan.
Semua cewek, tolong, hentikan.
270
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Kumohon. Masukkan saja langsung.
271
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Sakit sekali.
272
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,771
Sakit, karena dicukur atau tidak,
273
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,815
kau akan merasa gatal, 'kan?
274
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Lalu kalian mulai menggesekkannya
ke penis kecil kami.
275
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Rasanya sakit.
276
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
Kalian tanya, "Kau suka?"
277
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"Tidak. Pernah merasakan kulit pedas
karena gesekan? Begitulah rasanya.
278
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,371
Rasanya seperti kalian teman aneh ibuku
yang akan begitu
279
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,664
ketika ibu tidak ada."
280
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Semua ingat teman aneh itu, 'kan?
281
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,632
Orang lain naik ke atas dan dia bilang,
"Nak, tahu rasanya kulit terbakar?
282
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
Kau jawab, "Tidak,"
283
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
dan reaksi awalmu, "Keren!"
lalu kau bilang, "Hei, hentikan, Pak!"
284
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Ya. Tak ada pria yang suka itu.
285
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
Rasanya sangat sakit.
Rasanya seperti amplas.
286
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Kurasa cewek tak paham karena
287
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
wajah kenikmatan
dan kesakitan hampir sama saat senggama.
288
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Keduanya seperti, "Ah," kau tahu.
289
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Tapi sangat sakit,
290
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
dan tiba-tiba, penisnya jadi pecah-pecah,
291
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
kemudian terkelupas,
dan keesokan harinya saat bangun
292
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
kau bertanya, "Apa ini?"
293
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Kau seperti, "Apa ini?
294
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Apa aku terjangkit IMS baru
dalam 24 jam? Ini gila."
295
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Lalu aku ke dokter,
dan aku tanya, "Hei, apa ini?"
296
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,225
Dia jawab,
"Kau harus belajar cara bercinta,"
297
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,227
dan aku seperti, "Apa? Apa ini?"
298
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,357
Dokter di Staten Island sangat berbeda.
299
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Aku tak tahu. Aku...
300
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Aku punya banyak teman homo.
301
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Aku suka teman homoku karena
kupikir tak ada hubungan yang lebih jujur
302
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
antara pria homo dan pria hetero
303
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
karena tak ada yang bisa didapatkan,
304
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
jadi, itu murni kejujuran,
305
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
dan pria homo adalah orang paling jujur
di dunia,
306
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
juga jahat tapi...
307
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Jujur saja, bisa dibilang sangat jahat.
308
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Kuberi satu contoh.
309
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Aku meninggalkan rumah ibuku.
Itu rumahku juga.
310
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Persetan kau.
Aku tidak akan memperjelasnya. Paham?
311
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
Aku sangat nyaman dengan situasiku.
312
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Aku suka tinggal bersama ibuku.
Karena aku tinggal di ruang bawah tanah.
313
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
Sebuah apartemen...
314
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
lalu ada lantai atas,
yang kami sebut area berkumpul...
315
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,339
karena kami teman sekamar.
316
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,261
Aku punya pintu masuk sendiri di bawah,
tertulis Pintu Masuk...
317
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
Pete.
318
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Ya, sungguh.
319
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:04,101
Sungguh keren.
Camilan Gushers selalu tersedia.
320
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Kalian tertawa, tapi kuberi tahu,
hanya yang keren diperbolehkan masuk.
321
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Ibu diharuskan mengetuk.
322
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
Ya, tak ada...
323
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,493
DIa tak pernah menerobos, selalu mengetuk.
324
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
Begitulah.
325
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Juga setiap wanita yang kukencani
punya banyak teman homo.
326
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Tapi selalu ada satu teman homo
yang menurutku bukan homo sama sekali.
327
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
Ya. Yang cewek tertawa.
328
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
Yang cowok beraksi,
"Ya, si Kyle. Persetan pria itu.
329
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
Aku benci pria itu.
Tak mampu berkata apa-apa, tapi aku mau."
330
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:47,853
Jika bingung, itu cowok yang pacarmu
akan bahas denganmu dan berkata,
331
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
"Hei, ada apa dengan Kyle?
332
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,483
Kau tahu, dia selalu ikut nongkrong."
333
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:57,487
Lalu pacarmu akan merespons,
"Siapa? Kyle?"
334
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
Dan kau bilang, "Ya, ada apa?
Memang dia kenapa?
335
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
Ya, dia kenapa?"
336
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
Lalu pacarmu akan berkata,
"Ayolah. Dia homo."
337
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
Dan kau akan berkata,
"Sudahkah itu dikonfirmasi?
338
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Apa sudah diumumkan?
Apa dia mengumumkan dia homo?"
339
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
Lalu pacarmu akan mengatakan
hal yang sama,
340
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,216
"Tidak, tapi, semua orang tahu."
341
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,718
Dan kau seperti,
"Cowok sialan ini tidak, paham?
342
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Aku tidak tahu. Tidak.
Aku akan mengawasimu, Kyle. Mengerti?"
343
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
Acara menginap.
344
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,518
Jika kau benci vagina,
kenapa kau memeluknya?
345
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
Sangat aneh.
346
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Kau tak akan pernah melihatku
memeluk setumpuk tiket parkir
347
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
atau semacamnya, paham?
348
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Hal berbeda, tentu,
tapi cukup masuk akal untukku.
349
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Aku tak mengerti.
350
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Ada tipe pria homo tertentu,
351
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
aku menyebut mereka penggoda...
352
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
saat ini, tak ada aturan untuk pria homo.
353
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
Mereka bisa lakukan apa pun
yang mereka mau.
354
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Ini sangat gila.
355
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Dan kalian pantas didukung.
Tapi, dukungannya banyak sekali.
356
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
Memang! Kau tahu, pria homo
ada yang tipe penggoda, bukan?
357
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Itu pria homo
yang akan menghampiri pacarmu,
358
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
meremas dadanya, menampar bokongnya,
359
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
dan berkata, "Say, kau terlihat cantik!"
360
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Aku sama sekali tak anggap itu lucu. Maaf.
361
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Aku mendukung pria homo.
Tidak berarti aku menentang mereka.
362
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Hanya saja, betapa kerasnya usahaku
untuk menampar payudara...
363
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,040
Kau tahu berapa banyak ulang tahun
yang aku lewatkan,
364
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,333
teman yang pergi?
365
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
menghabiskan Natal di Ohio...
366
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
dan kau bisa menampar bokong
karena alasan teknis?
367
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,509
Sama sekali tak adil.
368
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Tepat di depanmu.
Menghampiri, menampar bokong, terkekeh.
369
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Hanya karena dia bisa.
370
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Aku tak akan pernah lakukan itu
hanya karena aku bisa.
371
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Aku tak mau, mendekati pacarnya
dan menarik penisnya,
372
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,983
Lalu bilang, "Bagus, Gary.
Bukan seleraku, tapi keren! "
373
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Kenapa?
374
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,201
Apa? Aku hetero.
375
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Ada aturan tertentu untuk orang tertentu,
dan aku tak mengerti itu.
376
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,923
Itu tak masuk akal bagiku.
377
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:25,385
Tapi tak bisa kulawan, sebab sudah
kubayangkan perkelahian itu di kepalaku,
378
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:28,764
dan aku yakin banyak cowok mengalami
saat mereka selalu kalah.
379
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Aku selalu kalah, tahu?
380
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Aku menghampiri pria ini,
menampar pantatnya, memegang payudaranya,
381
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
dan menari kecil,
382
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
lalu aku berkata, "Hei, Kyle, apa-apaan?"
383
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
Lalu Kyle memutuskan untuk melela hari itu
384
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,614
dan berkata, "Aku homoseksual."
385
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Lalu selesai sudah. Dia menang.
Itu saja. Itu seluruh pertarungannya.
386
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Sekaligus saja bilang,
"Maaf, silakan lanjutkan."
387
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,417
Tekan atau gesek yang keras, setahuku.
388
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
Itu aneh, karena hanya berlaku...
389
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
Hanya berlaku untuk cowok homo
dan cewek hetero.
390
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:08,970
Sebaliknya tidak, benar?
391
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:11,640
Itu tidak berlaku bagi cowok hetero
dan cewek homo, bukan?
392
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,101
Aku tak bisa mendatangi lesbian,
meremas payudaranya
393
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,436
dan bilang, "Tidak apa. Kita benci ini."
394
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
Aku bisa kena masalah besar.
395
00:23:27,864 --> 00:23:30,450
Aku ditepikan petugas hari ini
dalam perjalanan ke sini,
396
00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:32,869
dan apa ada yang saat diminta menepi
397
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:34,204
berpose seperti Billy Joel?
398
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Karena menurutmu petugas akan berkata,
399
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"SIM dan... Billy Joel!
Yang benar saja, Bung!
400
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
Kau bukan sampah.
401
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Kukira kau sedang mendengarkan 2 Chainz.
Baiklah."
402
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
Lebih canggung jika tak berhasil.
403
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,598
Lalu kau hanya duduk saja,
dan dia bilang, "SIM dan STNK...
404
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
Bisakah kau matikan Bill Withers?"
405
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Tapi aku mendapat banyak masalah.
406
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Aku mendapat masalah tahun lalu
karena aku membuat lelucon,
407
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
dan aku terlibat masalah
karena aku mengejek pria ini
408
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
yang pakai penutup mata, dia politisi.
Namanya Dan Crenshaw.
409
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Aku tidak merasa bersalah.
410
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Seperti kata-kata yang dipelintir
411
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
agar seorang pria bisa menjadi terkenal,
412
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
Tapi, ya...
413
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Ini yang sebenarnya terjadi.
414
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Karena aku tak punya Twitter,
415
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
jadi aku tak bisa mengklarifikasi
setiap kali hal buruk terjadi.
416
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Aku bilang, "Kurasa aku akan membuat
epiode spesial dan beri tahu semua orang.
417
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
Karena aku tak diizinkan ada di Internet."
418
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,188
Aku yakin jika mengakses internet,
419
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,939
aku akan dipenjara.
420
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Jadi aku mengejek orang
dengan penutup mata ini,
421
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
lalu aku dipaksa untuk minta maaf
422
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
karena orang-orang mengancam
akan menembak wajahku,
423
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
dan sayangnya,
aku tak menjawab telepon itu.
424
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Teman sekamarku yang menjawab...
425
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
dia tidak senang dengan itu...
426
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
dan teman sekamarku berpikir
aku harus minta maaf
427
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
agar aku tak tertembak di wajah.
428
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Jadi, aku...
429
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
Inilah yang terjadi. Seperti kataku,
aku sangat terbatas di SNL.
430
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Aku tak tahu apa kalian sudah menonton.
431
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,609
Mungkin belum, tapi jumlah pekerjaan
yang kukerjakan sedikit.
432
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:29,736
Jadi, kami hanya duduk di sana
dan berpikir,
433
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"Apa yang bisa kau kerjakan, Bung?
434
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,659
Kau bagian dari kelompok ejekan, 'kan?
435
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:36,660
Kau yang mengejek."
436
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
Aku berpikir, "Tentu. Itu bisa dilakukan.
Kelompok ejekan."
437
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,084
Mereka bilang, "Kenapa kau tak mengejek
politisi dan sejenisnya
438
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:45,627
di Weekend Update?"
439
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Dan aku merasa, "Keren. Bayaran untuk
enam episode lagi."
440
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Kujawab, "Tentu saja."
441
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Jadi, aturan ejekannya
sama dengan 8 Mile, bukan?
442
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
Kau mengejek dirimu sendiri,
443
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,849
lalu mengejek orang lain.
444
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Jadi, aku punya selembar kertas besar
berisi banyak wajah
445
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
dan aku mulai menulis lelucon.
446
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Pria ini, wanita itu,
447
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
lalu si Dan Crenshaw ini muncul.
448
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,613
Dia punya penutup mata, 'kan?
449
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,908
Jadi aku mengira,
"Pria ini punya selera humor."
450
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Karena dia punya penutup mata.
451
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Jika kehilangan mata,
ada tiga hal yang bisa kau lakukan
452
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
sebelum penutup mata, 'kan?
Aku tak bercanda. Sungguh.
453
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Menggunakan mata prostetik,
mata prostetik berlapis kaca,
454
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
lalu kacamata hitam,
lalu penutup mata, bukan?
455
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Jadi, kupikir, "Pria ini lucu."
456
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Pria ini sadar diri. Pria yang asyik."
Benar?
457
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Jadi, aku berpikir, "Baiklah, ayo tulis
lelucon yang tidak berbahaya,"
458
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Dan aku berpikir,
459
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Baik. Pria ini tampak seperti
pembunuh bayaran di film porno."
460
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Lelucon Saturday Night Live
yang tidak berbahaya,
461
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,323
yang mana orang akan,
"Lanjut, satu lagi."
462
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
Itu aku di taksi.
463
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Itu tempat terjadinya.
464
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Kita akan potong itu. Potong semua.
465
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Tak masalah sama sekali. Potong saja.
Tak pernah terjadi. Kembali ke senggama.
466
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Kembali ke senggama.
Itu tak pernah terjadi.
467
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:21,848
Aku selalu ingin melakukan ini.
468
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Selamat atas senggamanya.
469
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Terima kasih tidak menjedanya
dan terus menonton.
470
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Maaf. Aku hanya...
471
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
Aku selalu ingin itu terjadi
saat aku menonton acara Netflix.
472
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Bung, bagaimana? Apa itu menakjubkan?
473
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
Apa itu seperti yang kau harapkan?
Kuharap begitu.
474
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
Pasti senang dijeda
saat membicarakan Crenshaw,
475
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
dasar Bedebah.
476
00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:02,597
Kita bersenang-senang. Tidak, maaf.
477
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Aku bahkan... Tak apa.
478
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Jadi, aku menulis lelucon, seperti,
479
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:13,525
"Dia tampak seperti pembunuh bayaran
di film porno." Tertulis.
480
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Tak perlu berpikir keras untuk itu.
481
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Lalu tiba-tiba,
482
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,906
tepat sebelum aku akan ke studio
untuk syuting Weekend Update,
483
00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:22,033
salah satu temanku
yang membantuku menulis,
484
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,327
"Hei, Kawan. Aku baru saja meriset."
485
00:28:24,452 --> 00:28:27,372
Dan kujawab, "Kau baru melakukan riset?"
Dan dia berkata, "Ya."
486
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Mereka menunggu
sampai menit terakhir di sana.
487
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
Dan dia bilang,
"Si Dan Crenshaw itu?
488
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,631
Kurasa dia kehilangan matanya
dalam perang atau semacamnya."
489
00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,426
Aku jawab, "Apa?" dan mereka bilang,
"Pete, ke panggung."
490
00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:40,969
Aku seperti, "Sial!" Dia bilang,
491
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:42,971
"Bung, kau tak apa. Jangan cemas.
492
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,473
Wajahmu di luar sana, bukan wajahku.
Pasti lancar."
493
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,354
Aku keluar dan coba bersikap berhati-hati,
itu sulit,
494
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:54,357
karena aku selalu makan jamur,
atau semacamnya.
495
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Jadi, berhati-hati itu sangatlah sulit.
496
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Bukan kesadaran seutuhnya,
hanya dengan tiba-tiba.
497
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
Seperti, "Hei!" Dan kau bilang, "Oh!"
498
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Terima kasih kepada 12 orang
yang mengerti itu.
499
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Lelucon tidak jelas.
500
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Seperti kataku, di Netflix semua orang
diberi pujian.
501
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Jadi, kau gagal lagi? Keren, Bung.
502
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Terima kasih telah kembali.
503
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Aku menghargainya.
504
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Itu pasti menakjubkan, Kawan.
Itu baru hebat.
505
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
Serius, saat peristiwa Crenshaw?
506
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
Itu sangat...
507
00:29:40,528 --> 00:29:43,823
Aku menikmatinya bersama kalian karena
ini kali pertama aku mendengarnya.
508
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,370
Jadi, aku ke studio.
509
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:51,998
Dan temanku bilang
dia kehilangan matanya saat perang,
510
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
jadi sekarang, aku bergumam,
"Astaga. Aku harus peka."
511
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Aku harus minta maaf
setelah lelucon itu, 'kan?
512
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Sebelum jadi perkara, benar?
513
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Jadi, aku keluar dan kulakukan itu.
Aku minta maaf.
514
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
Aku sungguh ingat saat itu.
515
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Aku ingat persis perkataanku.
Tak akan kulupakan.
516
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Aku bilang, "Dan Crenshaw. Dia seperti
pembunuh bayaran di film porno, 'kan? "
517
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Direspons hanya dengan kekehan.
518
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Lalu setelah itu, aku bilang,
519
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Maafkan aku. Matanya mungking hilang
dalam perang atau apalah,"
520
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
saat kubilang "apalah", lalu dijawab,
521
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
"Kau benci Amerika!"
522
00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:28,952
"Bukan! Aku hanya tidak ingin salah
soal kenapa dia kehilangan matanya."
523
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,453
Apa itu kejahatan?
524
00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:32,622
Matanya bisa hilang di perang
atau semacamnya.
525
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
Entah bagaimana matanya hilang.
Bisa saja di Afghanistan.
526
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,669
Bisa saja saat membuat roti isi.
Aku tak tahu.
527
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Maaf aku tak punya
kartu bisbol Dan Crenshaw
528
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
dengan semua statistik dan informasinya.
529
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Salahku. Itu ungkapan.
530
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Aku berusaha peka. Kau tahu?
531
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,139
Jenderal Patton, bukan?
532
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,225
Jenderal Patton,
salah satu pahlawan Amerika.
533
00:30:52,308 --> 00:30:56,229
Dia tewas oleh Nazi seminggu setelah
perang dalam kecelakaan mobil.
534
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Tapi saat kita bicara
tentang Jenderal Patton,
535
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
dia tewas dalam perang, atau apalah.
536
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Lebih mudah mengatakan itu daripada,
537
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"Dia menang perang lalu
mengambil keputusan buruk dan..." Ya.
538
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Itu ungkapan.
Bukan berarti aku benci Amerika. Paham?
539
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Jadi, satu-satunya hal yang tak kusukai
adalah saat orang-orang berkata,
540
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"Salahmu pria itu menang."
Itu tidak benar.
541
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
Kurasa sebagian besar suara terkumpul,
542
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
dan dia anggota partai Republik
dengan penutup mata di Texas,
543
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
jadi sudah hasilnya sudah pasti
bahkan sebelum dimulai.
544
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Benar. Aku bisa bilang begitu.
545
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,269
Di Texas aku yakin orang hanya punya foto.
546
00:31:36,352 --> 00:31:37,520
Begitulah mereka memilih.
547
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Jadi, aku tak membuat pria itu menang.
548
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
Itu kesalahan Amerika.
549
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,365
Seperti saat ini.
550
00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:53,828
Aku tak melakukan apa pun untuk pria itu.
551
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,997
Satu hal yang kulakukan
dan aku merasa bersalah
552
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
dan meminta maaf untuk itu
adalah aku membuat pria itu terkenal
553
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
dan kondang tanpa alasan.
554
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Aku melakukan apa yang
Ariana Grande lakukan untukku, 'kan?
555
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Benar.
556
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Aku mengulum penisnya saat di SNL.
557
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Aku tak akan bercanda soal ini,
tapi lalu temanku bilang,
558
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Aku baru-baru ini dengar bahwa
Ariana bilang dia tak tahu siapa kau,
559
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
dan dia mengencanimu
hanya sebagai pengalih perhatian."
560
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Jadi, kurasa ini sesuatu yang adil.
561
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,197
Jadi, ya...
562
00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:30,365
Jangan bertepuk tangan.
563
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
Ini bukan konser Drake melawan Lil Wayne.
564
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Ini bukan kompetisi.
565
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Dia punya lagu-lagunya
dan hanya ini yang kumiliki, oke?
566
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Jadi, baiklah. Itu saja.
567
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Kalian berkata, "Pete, ini tak adil.
Kau menebar aib.
568
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Teganya kau?
Di mana dia pernah berkata begitu?
569
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
Kepada teman-temannya
di dalam rumah yang tak terbuka?"
570
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Tidak, dia mengatakannya
di sampul majalah Vogue.
571
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Bisa bayangkan jika aku begitu?
572
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Karierku akan berakhir besok.
573
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Jika aku mengecat badanku cokelat
574
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
dan menjadi sampul majalah Vogue
575
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
dan bicara buruk tentang mantan pacarku,
bisa bayangkan...
576
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,827
Tidak, jangan tepuk tangan.
itu tepukan Drake vs Lil Wayne.
577
00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:17,912
Aku tak suka itu. Aku suka tawanya.
578
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,455
Ini hanya lelucon.
579
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Bisa kau bayangkan? Jika aku bilang,
580
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,293
"Ya, aku hanya menidurinya karena bosan,
581
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
lalu Fortnite rilis." Itu akan gila.
582
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,635
Kalian bilang,
"Pete, pasti ada yang terjadi padanya,
583
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,554
ada penyebabnya, bukan?"
584
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Tidak. Dia memenangkan
Woman of the Year dari Billboard,
585
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
dan aku dijuluki "mata anus"
oleh barstoolsports.com.
586
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Jadi kadang hidup ini sedikit tidak adil.
587
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Sekali lagi, ini lelucon.
Aku tak mau cari masalah.
588
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Ketakutan terbesarku adalah
aku akan tertembak di belakang kepala
589
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
oleh gadis sembilan tahun
dengan kepang kuda
590
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
dan hal terakhir yang kudengar adalah,
"Tagar: dibatalkan,"
591
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
lalu dor, tepat di belakang kepala.
592
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Sekali lagi, aku tak mau cari masalah
dari anak-anak sembilan tahun.
593
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Dia wanita yang sangat kuat, Ariana.
594
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Dia wanita yang sangat kuat
dan sangat pintar.
595
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Sampai bisa membuat seseorang
jadi benci Starbucks.
596
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
Aku masuk ke Starbucks tempo hari,
597
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
aku bilang, "Bisa pesan kopi grande?"
Lalu pria itu...
598
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Aku balas,
"Persetan kau. Aku ke Dunkin 'Donuts."
599
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
"Kenapa Dunkin' Donuts hilang?
Aku tak bisa menemukannya. "
600
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Banyak orang menanyaiku,
"Bagaimana rasanya..."
601
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
Sama seperti perpisahan lain,
hanya saja semua orang melihatnya.
602
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Ya, aku tak tahu yang aku...
603
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Aku tahu apa yang akan kulakukan,
tapi aku tak tahu soal sampul itu.
604
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Jika aku tahu, aku akan ke dokter kulit
sebelum aku mulai berkencan.
605
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Aku akan mengambil tindakan pencegahan
yang tepat, tapi aku tak sungguh...
606
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:15,696
Sama saja. Kau undang sobat-sobatmu.
607
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,948
Mereka membohongimu.
608
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
Mereka bilang, "Tidak, Bung.
Tak ada yang tahu siapa dia.
609
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Tak apa, Bung. Keadaannya lebih baik.
Tak masalah." Tahu?
610
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Lalu lagunya dimainkan,
611
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
dan teman-temanku berkata,
"Bung, aku menyayangimu. Dengar?
612
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
Lagunya mudah diingat.
613
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Lagunya sangat enak. Delapan bulanmu
akan terasa berat. Maafkan aku.
614
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Maaf. Sejujurnya aku suka lagunya,
maafkan aku.
615
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Aku suka padamu tapi...
616
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Bahkan kakekku bilang, "Ini bagus sekali.
617
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
"Peter, ini sungguh bagus. Maafkan aku.
618
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Ini lagu yang bagus,
dan aku bahkan tak suka lagu macam itu,"
619
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
dan kujawab, "Aku mengerti!"
620
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Ya. Hanya ini yang tak kusuka dari
hubungan itu,
621
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
yang mana
merupakan kesalahpahaman umum.
622
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Aku tak suka dia membicarakan ini semua
atas nama penisku.
623
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Kupikir itu sangat aneh.
624
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
Dia seperti, "Ya, itu tidak berhasil,
tapi penis yang enak."
625
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Kupikir itu aneh karena semua bilang,
626
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,056
"Aduh, gadis yang baik."
627
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Pertama-tama, mari kita lihat.
Bisa bayangkan jika aku mengatakan itu?
628
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
Bisa bayangkan jika aku bilang, "Maaf
hubungannya gagal. Tapi vaginanya enak!
629
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
Vagina yang basah! Wow!
630
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Vagina enak, tapi maaf."
631
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
Ini konyol.
632
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Aku harus diam saja seperti...
633
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Benar. Hanya itu saja.
634
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Aku tak suka itu karena itu tidak benar.
635
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Hanya saja, tangannya kecil.
636
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Tangannya sangat kecil.
637
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Semua benda sangat besar baginya.
638
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Itu lelucon saat kami bersama.
639
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
Aku seperti, "Besar bagimu,
tapi kecil untuk orang lain. Mantap!"
640
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Kau tahu?
641
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Jadi, pikirkan sendiri,
"Kenapa? Jika dia tahu informasi ini,
642
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
lalu kenapa dia beri tahu semua orang
tentang penismu yang besar?" Benar?
643
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Kenapa dia melakukannya?
Karena di luar kesannya akan,
644
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"Wow. Wanita yang baik. Berakhir putus.
Memberikan pujian." Paham?
645
00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:34,919
"Bilang ke publik
bahwa dia punya penis enak." Benar?
646
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,920
Bukan karena itu.
647
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Dia melakukan itu agar...
648
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Dia genius. Ingat ini.
Dia orang yang pintar.
649
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Dia melakukan itu agar setiap gadis
yang melihat penisku selama sisa hidupku
650
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
merasa kecewa.
651
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Itu genius!
652
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Pecundang seumur hidup.
653
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Camkan itu.
654
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,781
Aku bahkan tak bisa
menikmati penis musim panasku,
655
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
atau apa pun julukannya.
656
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Tolong hentikan itu.
Keluargaku bisa membaca. Hentikan.
657
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Ibuku yang malang.
658
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Kita akan bergurau tentang 9/11,
dan aku akan pamit.
659
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Bagaimana? Keren, 'kan?
660
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Satu-satunya waktu kuperbolehkan
bersorak untuk 9/11.
661
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Ayahku, dia meninggal pada 9/11.
662
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Aku diberi tahu aku harus menjelaskan ini
sebelum aku bercanda,
663
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
karena sebagian orang tak tahu,
yang mana aku tegaskan bahwa
664
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:36,063
menurutku itu tak perlu kujelaskan
665
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
karena itu akan menghentikan acara
dan membuatnya jadi canggung.
666
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Aku menang. Aku benar.
667
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Saat ayahmu tewas dan dia pegawai negeri
atau pemerintah atau semacamnya...
668
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
Entah. Dia pemadam kebakaran.
Apa pun artinya.
669
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Terkadang keluargamu dapat sedikit uang.
670
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Tidak banyak, hanya sedikit uang.
671
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
Kami dapat sedikit uang,
dan aku ingat ibuku,
672
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,591
untuk menghiburku dan saudariku,
673
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
dia ingin membuatkan kami kolam renang.
674
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Dia berpikir mau membuatkan kami
kolam renang dan kemudian
675
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
semua orang ingin menjadi teman kami,
dan mereka akan datang untuk berenang.
676
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Terdengar suram.
677
00:39:20,274 --> 00:39:21,776
Berenang di kolam kematian.
678
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,613
Itu ide bagus,
679
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,824
tapi sentimen setiap gaya cannon ball
memiliki makna aneh di baliknya.
680
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Setiap hari hanya melakukan putaran,
"Apa ini tepat?" Tidak.
681
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Aku ingat ibuku membuatkan kolam renang
untukku dan saudariku.
682
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Usiaku tujuh tahun saat ayahku meninggal,
anak-anak tak paham hal itu.
683
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Mereka tak tahu apa yang terjadi.
684
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Jadi, kuingat aku dapat kolam renang,
dan anak-anak di sekolah berkata,
685
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Kau sangat beruntung. Kau kaya.
Kau punya kolam renang."
686
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
Dan kujawab,
"Ya. Untung aku punya kolam renang
687
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
yang kuisi dengan air mata
setiap musim panas.
688
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Karena kau tahu kau kaya saat
bisa berenang dalam kesedihanmu sendiri.
689
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Syukurlah Osama bin Laden tak
melewatkan alarmnya. Tahu kenapa?
690
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
Aku tak akan punya kolam renang!
691
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Maaf. Kemarilah lain kali."
692
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
Jangan dipotong, Jason.
Aku tak peduli ucapanmu.
693
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,259
Jadi, kubuat ssebuah karya
soal ayahku selama musim panas.
694
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Aku membuat rekaman.
695
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Maka aku melakukan riset tentang ayahku,
696
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
dan aku harus bergaul
dengan teman-temannya, 'kan?
697
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
Aku dan ayah sama-sama dari Staten Island,
698
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:40,104
jadi, teman-temannya seperti diriku.
699
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
Mereka norak, benar?
700
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Ya. Kami memang sampah. Secara harfiah.
701
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Kami dikenal memiliki tempat pembuangan
terbesar di dunia
702
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
yang bisa kau lihat dari angkasa.
703
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Begitulah kata sopir taksi saat
kau memasuki Staten Island.
704
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"Kau tahu? Tempat ini punya
tempat pembuangan terbesar,"
705
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:01,375
Bukannya, "Lihat pohonnya!"
706
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
Dan kau jawab, "Ada apa dengan
tempat pembuangannya? Mereka apakan itu?"
707
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
"Mereka bangun taman di atasnya."
708
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
Lalu kau jawab, "Maksudmu mereka buang
semua sampahnya?"
709
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
"Tidak. Mereka cuma membangun taman
di atasnya."
710
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Jadi, dalam sepuluh tahun,
saat mulai runtuh,
711
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
anak-anak akan tertikam oleh Honda 1998.
712
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:32,114
Omong-omong, aku coba menjelaskan
ke kalian tentang orang Staten Island.
713
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Itu bukan contoh yang baik.
714
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Seperti jika kau punya Marlboro Merah
dan kau melemparkannya ke bak mandi
715
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
dan menjadi hidup.
716
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Itu...
717
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
Itu...
718
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
Seperti itulah pria Staten Island.
719
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Jadi, aku harus bertemu
dengan teman-temannya, bukan?
720
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Tapi semua kisah yang kutahu soal ayahku
kudengar saat usia tujuh tahun,
721
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:02,645
jadi cerita yang mereka ceritakan padaku
jauh berbeda
722
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
dari yang kudengar sebelumnya.
723
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Aku bahkan sama sekali tak mengenalnya.
Aku akan beri contoh.
724
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Saat aku kecil, teman ayahku berkata,
725
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
"Ayahmu jagoan, kau tahu?
726
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Dulu kami suka bermain basket
dan mengerjakan tugas rumahku.
727
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Dia selalu menghabiskan makanannya.
728
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Selalu menghabiskan makanannya!
729
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
"Habiskan!"
730
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Kenapa?
731
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Aku lalu tahu...
732
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,844
Alasan kenapa menghabiskan makananmu
di usia tujuh tahun sangat sulit.
733
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
Karena orang dewasa menyendoki
porsi yang sama dengan mereka,
734
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:40,766
dan badan kita sepertiganya.
735
00:42:41,141 --> 00:42:43,352
Jadi, saat kita melewati sepertiga,
kita kenyang,
736
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,104
dan seruan, "Makan!" tak membantu.
737
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Itu hanya membuat semua orang gemuk.
Kau tahu maksudku?
738
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Ibuku sering berkata,
"Ada anak-anak kelaparan di Afrika."
739
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Itu ucapannya
untuk membuat diriku merasa bersalah.
740
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,782
Aku akan bilang, "Ya, mungkin,
741
00:42:56,865 --> 00:42:59,368
tapi jika anak di Afrika
mendapat sepertiga makanan ini,
742
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
mereka akan bilang, "Aku kenyang."
743
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Aku suka separuh dari kalian beranggapan,
"Itu lucu,"
744
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
dan setengahnya seperti,
"Aku tak tahu apa kau bisa begitu, Bung."
745
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,174
Kita perlu cek Twitter,
pengambil keputusan segala hal.
746
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,970
Twitter adalah gerbang surgawi baru.
747
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,724
Twitter menentukan
masa depan semua orang.
748
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Jadi, aku harus bertemu
teman-teman ayahku, lalu kubilang,
749
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
"Ceritakan beberapa kisah tentang ayahku,"
dan dia berkata,
750
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"Kami dulu sering mengonsumsi kokaina!"
751
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
Dan aku jawab, "Apa?"
752
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
Dan dia sambung, "Maafkan aku.
Apa semestinya aku tidak bilang?"
753
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
Dan aku bilang, "Tak apa-apa.
Aku hanya tak menduganya.
754
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Saat tumbuh besar,
aku dengar dia selalu bermain basket,
755
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
mengerjakan tugasnya
dan menghabiskan makanannya, benar?
756
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Kurasa yang ketiga masih berlaku...
Tapi, ya.
757
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Dan dia bilang, "Maafkan aku.
Apa seharusnya aku melindungimu?
758
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Apa aku terlalu banyak bercerita?"
Aku jawab, "Tidak, seperti yang kubilang,
759
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
aku tumbuh besar dan berpikir,
aku tahu ayahku pahlawan,
760
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
tapi aku tak tahu dia pahlawan super.
761
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Aku tak tahu dia orang paling keren."
762
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Sungguh pria era 90-an. Menghirup kokaina
dan memadamkan api. Benar-benar legenda.
763
00:44:20,866 --> 00:44:22,076
Tidak pernah sebangga ini.
764
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
Astaga, itu membuatku tersenyum.
Luar biasa, 'kan?
765
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
Bisa kau bayangkan?
Rumahmu kebakaran.
766
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,166
Ada pemadam kebakaran. Satu orang keluar,
767
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,044
dan berkata, "Baik, akan kuambil hidran."
Pria lain keluar.
768
00:44:32,127 --> 00:44:35,005
Dia bilang, "Aku akan mengamankan area,"
lalu ayahku keluar,
769
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"Ayo hajar! Tak perlu helm!"
770
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Terima kasih.
771
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Selamat malam. Aku menghargainya.
772
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
Terima kasih sudah datang.
773
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Terima kasih.
774
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
BAGAIMANA CARA BERTAHAN
DENGAN PENIS RAKSASA
775
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON TERJUAL HABIS
776
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Akan kuberi tahu. Acaranya selesai,
tapi ini kisah yang ingin kuceritakan.
777
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Ya. Ini kisah yang ingin kuceritakan.
778
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Jadi, ini satu-satunya kisah lain
yang kudengar tentang ayahku.
779
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,582
Jadi. Aku nongkrong dengan pria ini,
780
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,751
dan kubilang,
"Ceritakan kisah tentang ayahku."
781
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,210
Katanya dia konsumsi kokaina,
782
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:57,129
Lalu kusanggah, "Kau punya cerita lain?"
783
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
Dia bilang, "Aku punya satu lagi."
784
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
Aku berkata, "Baiklah."
Dia bilang, "Jadi, suatu waktu..."
785
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:04,511
Ini caranya bicara.
786
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
Aku tak mau kalian berpikir
aku mengarangnya.
787
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Itu akan memalukan,
tapi ini caranya bicara. Dia bilang,
788
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"Suatu waktu, aku dan ayahmu pergi
ke Poconos untuk pesta pernikahan,"
789
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,191
Poconos seperti Bahama
untuk kulit putih gembel.
790
00:46:17,274 --> 00:46:21,236
Tempat d mana orang mencoba
memperbaiki pernikahannya
791
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
dan bercinta di bak berbentuk hati,
792
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
dan memasukkan koin 25 sen
di ranjang, jadi bergoyang,
793
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
dan kau seperti,
"Terguncang seperti hidup kita!"
794
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Jadi dia bilang, "Kami di Poconos, 'kan?
795
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Kami di pesta pernikahan, 'kan?
796
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Kami di pesta pernikahan
dan kami bersenang-senang.
797
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
Kami menari-nari. Benar-benar kacau.
798
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
Kami mabuk berat."
799
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Aku berpikir, "Keren, Bung."
Sejak tahun 1987.
800
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
"Mabuk berat." Masih bangga.
801
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
Dan dia berkata, "Jadi, aku dan ayahmu,
kami di pesta pernikahan.
802
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Kami berbagi kamar, 'kan?
Kami berbagi kamar di Poconos,
803
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
aku bersama seorang gadis,
dan aku mencoba menidurinya, 'kan?"
804
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,947
Dia selalu bilang, "'Kan?"
agar kurespons,
805
00:47:05,030 --> 00:47:07,908
"Tidak. Bukan begitu kisahnya."
806
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Aku belum pernah dengar ini. Ya.
807
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
Dia bilang, "Aku coba menidurinya, 'kan?
Jadi, aku mencari ayahmu.
808
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Aku cari ke mana-mana.
Aku teriak, 'Di mana kau, Scott?'"
809
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Itu yang dia lakukan. "Kuteriak,
'Di mana kau? Aku tak melihatmu.'"
810
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:26,677
Dia memeragakannya untukku.
811
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,889
Dan dia berkata, "Jadi kupikir,
812
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,808
mungkin dia meniduri seseorang, 'kan?
813
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Jadi, aku kembali ke kamar hotel, 'kan?
Ayahmu, tak bisa ditemukan, 'kan?
814
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Jadi, aku bersama gadis ini, 'kan?
Dan kami mulai bercinta, 'kan?
815
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
Dan bercinta hebat, 'kan?
Aku menidurinya pakai berbagai gaya, 'kan?
816
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Kuangkat dia begini. Dia balik ke sana
lalu kami ke kamar mandi."
817
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
Aku bilang, "Hei. Kapan ayahku muncul?
Karena ini terdengar seperti
818
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
cerita mesum aneh yang kau
ingat dari tahun '87-an."
819
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
Dia bilang, "Tunggu. Nanti muncul.
Aku hanya ingin kau tahu aku bukan banci."
820
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
Dan aku jawab,
"Aku tahu kau bukan banci."
821
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Dia bilang, "Jadi, kami bercinta, 'kan?"
822
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Dan dia berkata, "Dia orgasme.
Aku orgasme.
823
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Jelas itu pengalaman pertamanya,
lalu kami selesai, 'kan?
824
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
Dan kami hanya berbaring di sana...
825
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
dan tiba-tiba,
aku melihat ke seberang ruangan,
826
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
melihat batang rokok
menyala dalam kegelapan.
827
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Aku nyalakan lampunya. Itu ayahmu!
828
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
Dan aku bilang, "Scott! Aku mencarimu,"
829
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,911
dan katanya, "Hei, terima kasih
buat tontonan gratisnya."
830
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
Dan dia berkata, "Begitulah ayahmu.
831
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
Bukankah itu cerita yang bagus?"
832
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
Aku jawab, "Tidak!
833
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Kau tak cerita ke orang-orang
soal itu, 'kan? Itu cerita yang buruk.
834
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
Apa gadis ini masih hidup?
Aku harus mencarinya dan meminta maaf.
835
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
Informasi macam apa ini?"
836
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Terima kasih sudah datang.
Selamat malam. Terima kasih.
837
00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,919
Terjemahan subtitle oleh Maria Diena
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:10,760
Louis C.K. provò a farmi licenziare
il mio primo anno a Saturday Night Live.
2
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:17,017
Era il 2014 o il 2015,
la puntata finale di Saturday Night Live,
3
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
ed ero scioccato e felice
di non essere stato licenziato,
4
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
e questa è una sensazione
che provo ogni settimana.
5
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
È fantastico.
Non ci posso credere. È divertente.
6
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,449
Quindi stavo festeggiando.
7
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
All'epoca, Louis C.K. stava...
8
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
Louis C.K. era un comico molto rispettato.
9
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
All'epoca, intendo. Sì.
10
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:46,129
All'epoca, era una persona che stimavi
e di cui volevi l'approvazione...
11
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,047
all'epoca.
12
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:53,428
All'epoca, era uno
con cui volevi avere un buon rapporto.
13
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:57,724
Era il presentatore,
e io ero davvero elettrizzato,
14
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,559
così mi sono fumato una canna
15
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
in camerino.
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
Sto andando via e, vicino agli ascensori,
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
vedo Louis C.K., che tiene banco
18
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
e parla
con membri del cast e sceneggiatori,
19
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
tutta quella gente figa...
Sono molto presi dalla conversazione,
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
così penso: "No, non mi interessa".
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Insomma, ero fatto.
Non volevo rovinare le cose.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Non volevo che sapesse che esistevo, no?
23
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Così mi metto il cappuccio,
mi copro ben bene la faccia
24
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:30,048
e faccio il giro, per andare
dall'altro lato degli ascensori
25
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:32,509
e non dare fastidio a nessuno.
26
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,637
Allora chiamo l'ascensore
e mi metto ad aspettare.
27
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:40,391
Di colpo, Louis C.K. smette di parlare,
alza lo sguardo, indica me e fa:
28
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,144
"Guardate quanto è fatto Pete,
quel fottuto idiota.
29
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,438
Fuma erba al lavoro, quel deficiente.
30
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
Manderai in fumo la tua carriera".
31
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:55,490
E io sono così fatto che penso:
"Non è successo davvero. No...
32
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Non è vero.
33
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:02,914
Di certo me lo sono sognato.
Probabilmente ha detto: 'A domani!'
34
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,290
Sì, probabilmente..."
35
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Il giorno dopo, vado al lavoro.
Mi chiama l'ufficio di Lorne Michaels.
36
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
Era preoccupante,
perché ero lì da un anno
37
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
e non ero mai stato contattato
dal suo ufficio.
38
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Penso: "Oh, cazzo!"
Rispondo al telefono e mi dicono:
39
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"Ehi, Louis è appena stato da Lorne.
Era nel suo ufficio per parlargli di te,
40
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,442
e ora Lorne vuole parlare con te".
E io: "Cazzo, va bene".
41
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Penso: "Ora mi licenzia".
42
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Penso che sia quello
e cerco di tirarmi su.
43
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,285
Penso cose come: "Che si fottano.
Fanno loro la figura degli stupidi.
44
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,745
Ti hanno assunto e licenziato.
Sbagliano due volte".
45
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,416
Presente? Sì, cazzo.
Tipo... "Potresti passare dal retro
46
00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,711
e non se ne accorgerebbe nessuno.
Chi se ne frega, no?"
47
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,301
Vado verso il suo ufficio,
cercando di farmi forza,
48
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
apro la porta e vedo Lorne.
49
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Ha un'espressione molto confusa,
50
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
come me, del resto,
perché è la mia modalità di default.
51
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,355
Ho sempre la faccia di uno
a cui avete chiesto di fare una divisione.
52
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,655
Ha un'espressione molto confusa
e fa: "Siediti".
53
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:20,200
Io mi siedo e lui fa: "Allora...
54
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis è venuto a dirmi
che hai fumato dell'erba".
55
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
E io: "Sì.
56
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
Queste voci che girano
mi sembrano corrette".
57
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
E lo vedo quasi sgonfiarsi,
58
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
come se non sappia cosa dire.
I suoi occhi dicono:
59
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Non voglio avere questa conversazione,
60
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
ma Louis ha fatto la spia
e mi ha chiesto di parlarti.
61
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,816
Personalmente, non mi sembra grave.
62
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,028
Qui c'era chi si faceva di coca
e tu mi sembri uno sfigato.
63
00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,281
Mi dispiace di doverti parlare di questo".
64
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:04,827
Lo leggo nei suoi occhi. E, con i miei,
dico: "Non ne dubito, amico".
65
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:08,957
C'è un momento di imbarazzo,
in cui nessuno parla,
66
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,629
e poi fa: "Sì, beh... Vediamo...
Secondo me, quello che potresti fare...
67
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,924
Sì... Perché ha detto
che hai fumato un sacco d'erba...
68
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
Quindi, magari, potresti tenere d'occhio
la quantità di erba che fumi".
69
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,348
E io: "Ok, la terrò d'occhio.
70
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Non la perderò di vista un attimo.
71
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Nessun problema. Sono un uomo di parola".
72
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
E lui fa: "Sì..."
73
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Fa: "Scusa di nuovo
se ti ho dovuto parlare di questa cosa,
74
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,989
ma Louis ha detto
che ti stavi mandando in fumo la carriera
75
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
e che avevi fumato così tanta erba
76
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,201
da metterlo a disagio".
77
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
E io: "Oh, cazzo! Davvero?"
E lui: "Già..."
78
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
E poi chiedo: "Quindi sono licenziato?"
79
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
E lui: "No".
80
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
E io: "Perché?"
81
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,505
E lui: "Non lo so".
82
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
E questa è una conversazione
che si ripete ogni anno.
83
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:05,596
"È questo l'anno?"
84
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,808
"Non lo so. Non ancora.
Vedremo, non lo so."
85
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:16,607
E questo mi distrusse. Uscii
da quell'ufficio con la consapevolezza
86
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
che a Louis C.K. non piacevo, presente?
87
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Uno dei comici migliori di sempre,
88
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
soprattutto all'epoca, uno...
89
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Mi distrusse. Pensai:
"Che faccio a fare stand-up?
90
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
Tanto non gli piaccio, no?"
Vuoi la sua approvazione.
91
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,170
"A questo tipo non piaccio
perché fumo l'erba?"
92
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:42,592
È brutto, e dovetti conviverci
per circa cinque anni.
93
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,303
Poi, una gloriosa mattina...
94
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
mi sveglio
95
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
e leggo che Louis C.K.
si masturba davanti alle donne...
96
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
e faccio: "Sì!"
97
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,364
Insomma, non volevo
che una cosa simile accadesse,
98
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:08,201
ma almeno sono contento
che sia accaduta a lui. Ha senso?
99
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
È solo...
100
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Lasciatevi dire quanto è assurdo
masturbarsi da soli, ok?
101
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Siate presenti con me nella stanza.
102
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Va bene?
103
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Quando vi fate una sega
in solitudine, succede...
104
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
Vi succede mai che ci mettete tempo
105
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:30,598
e non riuscite a venire
e pensate: "Sei proprio uno sfigato.
106
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,434
Non riesci neanche a scoparti da solo.
107
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:36,479
Che speranze pensi di avere
con altre persone..."?
108
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,482
Sapete quando vi vedete nello specchio?
109
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,110
A me è successo, perché sono stupido.
110
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Una volta sola,
perché ora mi masturbo al buio.
111
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:49,867
Sì, è così. Col cellulare a faccia in giù.
Se vi arriva un SMS,
112
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:54,205
potrebbe riflettersi nello specchio
e potreste vedervi che vi masturbate.
113
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:55,373
E sopra l'SMS di mamma.
114
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,129
Avete mai provato a farvi una sega
dopo l'SMS di mamma? Quasi impossibile.
115
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,339
Non proprio impossibile, ma quasi.
116
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,883
Una delle cose più difficili
che abbia mai fatto.
117
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Ma mi seccava sentire quella roba.
118
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,018
Mi dispiaceva per quelle donne
davanti a cui si era masturbato.
119
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
È una cosa triste,
perché ne sono rimaste traumatizzate.
120
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:23,985
Se solo avessero saputo che, quando Louis
tirava fuori il cazzo e se lo menava,
121
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:26,571
bastava accendere una canna.
Avrebbe detto:
122
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
"Cazzo, è erba, quella?
Porca puttana! Fottuti animali!
123
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Ora lo dico a tutti. Che stronze!
124
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,956
Manderete in fumo la vostra carriera".
125
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Il mio amico, che sostengo
economicamente, ha avuto un figlio,
126
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,305
quindi sono diventato padre.
127
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Già, non ero molto pronto.
128
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:01,022
Mi chiama, tutto emozionato,
e fa: "Ho grandi notizie, amico!"
129
00:08:01,105 --> 00:08:05,151
E io: "Hai trovato un lavoro?"
E lui: "No. Ho avuto un figlio".
130
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
E io:
"Wow, è proprio l'opposto di un lavoro".
131
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,951
Non vedo l'ora di avere un figlio.
132
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:18,247
Non penso che sia difficile.
Tutti i miei amici ce li hanno,
133
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
e non mi danno molto fastidio
le cose di cui si lamentano.
134
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Sono sempre le stesse.
Fanno: "Piange, amico".
135
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
E io: "Vai nell'altra stanza".
136
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,556
Tutto piange.
Provi a farlo smettere e poi te ne vai.
137
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:39,852
Io piango sempre. I miei amici fanno:
"Devo andare al lavoro. Non lo so.
138
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,521
Risolviti, cazzo. Stacca".
139
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,402
Quindi, dicono che piange,
e l'altra cosa di cui si lamentano è:
140
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
"Non fa altro che cagare!"
Neanche questo mi dà fastidio,
141
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
perché io faccio lo stesso.
142
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Quindi non mi dà fastidio pulire
su scala ridotta, giusto?
143
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Poi, quando pulisci i bambini,
a volte vedi dei punti
144
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
che ti sono sfuggiti su te stesso, no?
145
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Pensi: "Non avevo mai visto
il mio buco del culo da quest'angolo.
146
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Tamponerò quel pezzetto lì
quando finirò la doccia".
147
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Esci dalla doccia e...
148
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933
"Porca puttana."
149
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,732
Adoro fare il babysitter,
150
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:30,152
perché assumo microdosi di funghi magici
e capisco i bambini.
151
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Sì, lo adoro. Perché parlano, no?
152
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
L'altro giorno,
mio nipote ha detto: "Bleah!"
153
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,829
E io: "Ho capito. Forensic Files".
154
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Perciò...
155
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,711
I funghi sono mitici.
È un po' come andare sulle montagne russe.
156
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
Ma sali soltanto, senza mai scendere.
157
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Vai solo in su e pensi: "Che figata!
158
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Fantastico! Non posso credere
che lo stiamo facendo! Oh, mio Dio!"
159
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
per quattro ore.
160
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
È successa una cosa strana
l'altro giorno con mio nipote.
161
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Il figlio del mio amico
sta mettendo i dentini.
162
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Stiamo guardando Forensic Files
163
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
e lui sta seduto lì.
Sta mettendo i dentini,
164
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,164
così mi afferra la mano
e inizia a succhiarmi le dita,
165
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,582
ma per niente male.
166
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Tipo...
167
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Ce l'ho lasciato per un secondo.
168
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Ho fatto: "No! Wow, ma no!"
169
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,020
So che è una battuta controversa.
170
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,774
Lo so. Non è la prima volta che la uso.
171
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
So che è strano fare battute così,
ma siamo in un locale di cabaret.
172
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Sarebbe strano
se, durante un consiglio comunale,
173
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:04,121
afferrassi il microfono e dicessi:
"Ecco alcune delle mie idee.
174
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,542
Ok, distribuisco le spille
nel parcheggio".
175
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,217
Penso che le ragazze
dovrebbero dire come farle venire.
176
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Magari fare una riunione
prima di fare sesso per la prima volta.
177
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Perché, a quanto pare, ogni ragazza
è diversa. O questo è quello che mi dico.
178
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:35,069
Ognuna è diversa e, secondo me,
una di loro è morta dentro.
179
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
Penso: "No, mi sa che non funzioni".
180
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Davvero.
181
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,961
Mi dispiace. Non so...
A volte dici delle cose che fanno ridere.
182
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Ma le ragazze dovrebbero dirlo ai maschi.
183
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Non quando sono rilassati.
184
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,053
So che non volete ferire
i suoi sentimenti,
185
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
ma non è così.
Se, mentre state scopando,
186
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
fate: "Non lo sopporto", noi:
187
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:12,106
"Così, invece? Va bene? Ok, rimosso".
Presente? Come se non fosse successo.
188
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Ditelo e basta, ok?
189
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Insomma,
per i maschi è abbastanza ovvio.
190
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Lo menate ed esce fuori della roba.
191
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,743
È facile.
Anche mio figlio potrebbe farlo e...
192
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,210
Sembra che non sia difficile
far venire le donne.
193
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:36,964
Io so che, se sudate
e avete il fiatone, state sbagliando.
194
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,009
Tutto ciò che so l'ho appreso dal porno,
195
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:43,304
perché sono cresciuto
solo con mia madre e una sorella.
196
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,222
Non ho mai fatto quel discorso.
197
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:49,602
Non c'è mai stata una cena
in cui mi sono sentito a mio agio
198
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
nel dire: "Ehi...
199
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
Se non fossi vostro parente..."
200
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Tutto ciò che sapevo veniva dal porno,
201
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
dove c'è un'abbondanza
di... movimento e urla e...
202
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
A volte, basta che lo tiri fuori,
fai due push-up
203
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
e poi passi subito a... Scusate.
204
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Quindi non sapevo davvero...
Ma, per fortuna, una donna mi disse
205
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,428
che, a quanto pare,
c'è un affarino nella vagina.
206
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:27,765
È una cosettina rotonda,
tipo... Avete presente la boxe?
207
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:30,142
Assomiglia a quel coso fatto così.
208
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
La peretta da boxe.
209
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Quella cosa che si può colpire
piano o veloce,
210
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
e, a quanto pare,
è lo stesso per la vagina.
211
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Si può colpire quel cosino
con delicatezza...
212
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
oppure andare a tavoletta.
Sono le due opzioni.
213
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Non serve nemmeno cambiarsi.
214
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,212
Ma dovete dirlo all'uomo, ok?
215
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,965
Per i maschi è davvero ovvio,
216
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:04,927
ma, se mi tirassero giù i pantaloni
e iniziassero a prenderlo a pugni,
217
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:10,850
non direi:
"Cazzo, speriamo che ci arrivi. Ahia!
218
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,894
Ahia! Questa è guerra".
219
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Direi: "Chi ti ha mandato? Che fai?
220
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
È un tentato omicidio?"
221
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Ecco una cosa che ai maschi non piace,
ma hanno paura di dirlo alla ragazza,
222
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
perché stiamo proprio
sul punto di scopare...
223
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Non ci sono molte parole per descriverlo,
224
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
quindi quella sembra
225
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
la più adatta...
226
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Questo finirà su Nickelodeon.
227
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:49,680
Già. Per questo mi sono messo
il completo. Di solito non lo porto
228
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,100
e mi vesto come se fossi pronto
a venire ricoperto di melma.
229
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
Ma ho trovato un bel completo da donna,
230
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
e mi sta che è una bomba.
231
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Sembro una divorziata
che si è appena ripresa.
232
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Non tornare.
233
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,208
Ho un collezione."
234
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,550
Ma ecco una cosa
che a nessun ragazzo piace.
235
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:30,554
Avete presente quando la ragazza sta sopra
e sta per ficcarsi dentro il cazzo?
236
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,558
So che non è il modo migliore
di dirlo, ma, che ci crediate o meno,
237
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:38,854
ne ho provati altri cinque
e questo ha vinto con ampio margine.
238
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Immaginate
quanto erano tremendi gli altri quattro.
239
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Ora vi sembra ok.
240
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,407
Avete presente
quando stanno per sbatterselo dentro?
241
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Visto? Già.
242
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:54,995
Come stavo dicendo.
243
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,457
Presente quando state sopra
e state per ficcarvelo dentro?
244
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Molte ragazze iniziano
a scivolare lentamente sopra al cazzo,
245
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
prima di metterlo dentro.
Fanno: "Sì... Ti piace?"
246
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
No, non ci piace. Fa un male cane.
Smettetela di farlo, per favore.
247
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Mettetelo dentro e basta.
248
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Fa malissimo, merda!
249
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Perché, che vi rasiate o meno,
250
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
quella parte è comunque ruvida.
251
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
E poi iniziate a sfregarla
sui nostri poveri cazzi nudi.
252
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Fa male.
253
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:30,990
Fate: "Oh, ti piace?"
254
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,743
"No. Ti hanno mai strizzato il braccio?
La sensazione è quella.
255
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,664
Come faceva l'amico strano
di mia madre quando lei non c'era."
256
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Se lo ricordano tutti, quello, eh?
257
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,716
Tutti sono di sopra e lui fa:
"Ehi, ti hanno mai strizzato il braccio?"
258
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
E voi: "No".
259
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
All'inizio, fate: "Figo!",
ma poi: "Basta, signore!"
260
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Già. A nessun uomo piace, ok?
261
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:10,154
È terribile. È come la carta vetrata.
Le ragazze non se ne rendono conto,
262
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:14,158
perché, durante il sesso, la faccia
del piacere è uguale a quella del dolore.
263
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,285
Fanno entrambe: "Ah", quindi...
264
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Ma fa proprio male,
265
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
e, all'improvviso,
il vostro cazzo si screpola tutto,
266
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
è a brandelli e,
quando vi svegliate il giorno dopo,
267
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
pensate: "Che cazzo è?
268
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Che accidenti è?
269
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,345
Ho contratto una malattia venerea
che agisce in 24 ore? È pazzesco".
270
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:38,057
Allora vado dal medico e chiedo:
"Che cos'è?"
271
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
E lui: "Devi imparare come si scopa".
E io: "Cosa? Che cos'è?"
272
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,649
I medici a Staten Island
sono molto diversi.
273
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Non lo so.
274
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Ho molti amici gay.
275
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Mi piacciono, perché non credo
che esista relazione più onesta
276
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
di quella tra un gay e un etero,
277
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
perché non c'è nulla da guadagnarci.
278
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
È pura onestà,
279
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
e i gay sono le persone più oneste
al mondo,
280
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
e anche tra le più cattive, ma...
281
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Potremmo dire che sono le più oneste,
ma non è sempre così.
282
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Ecco un esempio.
283
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,478
Uscivo da casa di mia madre...
È anche casa mia.
284
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:30,067
Vaffanculo. Non vi devo spiegazioni.
Sono a mio agio con la mia situazione.
285
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
No, mi piace molto vivere con mia madre.
Perché vivo nello scantinato.
286
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
È un appartamento, in pratica...
287
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
Poi c'è il piano di sopra,
che è lo spazio comune...
288
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,714
perché siamo coinquilini.
289
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Ho un ingresso a parte,
di sotto, che dice...
290
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
"Di Pete".
291
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
È vero. È proprio così.
292
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
È forte. E un'infinità di caramelle.
293
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Voi ridete, ma solo a quelli fighi
è permesso venire sotto.
294
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
La mamma deve bussare.
295
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
Sì, non c'è...
296
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,493
Non irrompe mai senza bussare.
297
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
Comunque...
298
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Ogni ragazza con cui esco
ha una sfilza di amici gay.
299
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Ma ce n'è sempre uno che, secondo me,
non è per niente gay.
300
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
Le ragazze ridono.
301
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
Gli uomini pensano: "Sì, Kyle, lo stronzo.
302
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
Quanto cazzo lo odio!
Non posso dire niente, ma vorrei".
303
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Se siete confuse, è quello
a cui si riferisce il vostro ragazzo
304
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
quando dice:
"Ehi, ma com'è la storia con Kyle?
305
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Quel tipo che ti sta sempre intorno".
306
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
La ragazza dice sempre la stessa cosa:
"Chi, lui? Kyle?"
307
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
E voi: "Sì, com'è la storia con quel tipo?
308
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,909
Che sta succedendo?"
309
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
E la ragazza: "Ma dai... È gay".
310
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
Avete presente?
E voi: "Questo è attestato?
311
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,212
Questa cosa è nota in giro?
È ufficialmente gay?"
312
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
E lei dice sempre la stessa cosa:
313
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
"No, ma lo sanno tutti".
314
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
E voi: "Io no, cazzo. Va bene?
315
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Non lo so.
Guarda che ti tengo d'occhio, Kyle".
316
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,518
I pigiama party.
Se odi la fica, perché la stai coccolando?
317
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
È strano, non credete?
318
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
Non mi vedrete mai coccolare
un mucchio di multe per sosta vietata, no?
319
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Sono cose diverse, ma per me va bene.
320
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Non lo capisco proprio.
321
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:50,249
C'è una varietà di uomo gay
che io chiamo "palpeggiatore"...
322
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,546
Ora non ci sono regole per i gay.
Possono fare quasi tutto ciò che vogliono.
323
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
È pazzesco.
324
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Potere ai gay, certo,
ma ne avete parecchio, di potere.
325
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,807
È così! Avete presente
chi sono i palpeggiatori?
326
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:10,102
Sono quei gay che corrono incontro
alla vostra ragazza,
327
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:14,523
le strizzano le tette, la sculacciano
e fanno: "Bella, stai alla grande!"
328
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Io non lo trovo affatto divertente.
Mi dispiace.
329
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Non ho nessun problema
con l'omosessualità, davvero.
330
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Ma lo sapete quanto fatico
per poter strizzare le tette e...
331
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,915
Lo sapete
quanti fottuti compleanni ho saltato
332
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,417
e quanti amici ho perso?
333
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
I Natali passati in Ohio...
334
00:21:38,422 --> 00:21:42,634
E voi potete dare pacche sul sedere
per un cavillo? Cazzo, non è giusto.
335
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Proprio di fronte a voi.
Arriva, la sculaccia e ride.
336
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Solo perché può farlo.
337
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,519
Io non lo farei mai per quel motivo.
338
00:21:52,602 --> 00:21:55,188
Non afferrerei mai
il cazzo del suo ragazzo,
339
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:58,066
dicendo:
"Bello, Gary. Non fa per me, ma forte!"
340
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Perché?
341
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,327
Perché sono etero.
342
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,755
Non capisco perché ci siano regole
solo per alcune persone.
343
00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:22,132
Per me non ha senso.
344
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Ma non posso farci niente.
Ho già immaginato la lite,
345
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
e molti di voi già... Non funziona mai.
346
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Perdo sempre.
347
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Mi avvicino a lui,
che la sculaccia, le afferra le tette
348
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:36,938
fa le sua risatine,
349
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
e dico: "Ehi, che cazzo fai, Kyle?"
350
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,614
E Kyle sceglie quel giorno
per fare coming out: "Oh, sono gay".
351
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
E finisce lì. Ha vinto.
La lite si è già conclusa.
352
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Potreste benissimo dire:
"Scusa, continua pure.
353
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,751
Colpi leggeri o a tavoletta, dicono".
354
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
È strano, perché succede solo...
355
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:09,137
con un uomo gay e una donna etero.
Al contrario non funziona.
356
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Con un uomo etero e una lesbica, no?
357
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,267
Non posso afferrare le tette
di una lesbica
358
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:16,520
e dire: "Lo so, lo odiamo entrambi".
359
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,739
Mi caccio spesso nei guai.
360
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
Venendo qui in auto, mi hanno fermato.
361
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,371
Qualcuno, quando gli è successo,
ha mai messo Billy Joel?
362
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Pensate che l'agente dica:
363
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:42,003
"Patente e... Billy Joel! Ma smettila,
amico! Non sei una testa di cazzo.
364
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Mi aspettavo
che ascoltassi il rap di 2 Chainz".
365
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,928
È ancora più imbarazzante
se non funziona.
366
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:55,308
L'agente ti fa: "Patente e libretto...
e puoi spegnere Bill Withers?"
367
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Ma io mi caccio spesso nei guai.
368
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
L'anno scorso, ero finito nei guai,
perché, durante una battuta,
369
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
avevo preso in giro un certo signore
370
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
con una benda sull'occhio,
un politico di nome Dan Crenshaw.
371
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,997
Non pensavo di aver fatto nulla di male.
Le parole sono state stravolte
372
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,875
così che un tizio
potesse diventare famoso,
373
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
ma... Io non...
374
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Era tutto lì. E vorrei...
375
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Siccome non ho Twitter
376
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
e non posso giustificarmi
ogni volta che succede qualcosa,
377
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:35,140
ho pensato: "Magari faccio
uno speciale comico per dirlo a tutti,
378
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:38,226
dato che non mi è permesso andare
su Internet".
379
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,772
Sono quasi certo che, se ci andassi,
finirei in prigione.
380
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Avevo preso in giro
questo tipo con la benda,
381
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
e poi sono stato costretto
a chiedere scusa,
382
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
perché la gente stava minacciando
di spararmi in faccia
383
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
e, purtroppo, non ero stato io
a rispondere, quella volta.
384
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Era stata la mia coinquilina e...
385
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
non le andava affatto bene.
386
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
Così, la mia coinquilina pensò
che dovessi chiedere scusa,
387
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
così che non mi avrebbero sparato.
388
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Così, io...
389
00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:19,351
Ecco che era successo.
Ho molti limiti su SNL.
390
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Non so se l'abbiate visto.
391
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Probabilmente no, perché sono poche
le cose che mi fanno fare.
392
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
Eravamo seduti lì, pensando:
393
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"Che potresti fare, amico?
394
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,701
Sei parte della famiglia degli arrosti,
vero? Fai i roast".
395
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:39,704
E io: "Certo, come no.
Ora c'è anche la famiglia".
396
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,377
E loro: "Perché non fai i roast
dei politici nella rubrica di Update?"
397
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:48,838
E io: "Forte! Mi chiameranno
per altri sei episodi, vero?"
398
00:25:48,922 --> 00:25:50,757
Pensavo: "Che figata, sì!"
399
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Presente? Sono le stesse regole
di 8 Mile, ma con i roast, no?
400
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Ti prendi in giro da solo
e prendi in giro tutti gli altri.
401
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Così prendo questo foglio enorme
con un sacco di facce.
402
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
E inizio a scrivere battute.
403
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Questo tizio, questa tizia...
404
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:11,820
E poi viene fuori questo Dan Crenshaw.
405
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
E porta una benda.
406
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,658
Penso già:
"Ha un gran bel senso dell'umorismo".
407
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Perché porta una benda.
408
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,081
Se perdi un occhio,
ci sono altre opzioni
409
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:26,293
prima di mettere una benda, no?
Non voglio fare lo stronzo.
410
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Provi con l'occhio di vetro,
l'occhio di vetro più gli occhiali,
411
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
poi passi agli occhiali da sole
e infine alla benda.
412
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Penso: "È simpatico.
413
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Ha coscienza di sé. Sta al gioco".
414
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:44,311
Penso: "Ok, scriviamoci
una battuta innocua".
415
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Presente? Faccio:
416
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Ok. Questo tipo
sembra un sicario in un film porno".
417
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,653
È molto inoffensivo
per il Saturday Night Live,
418
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,573
non ci sono problemi:
"Ah ah! Prossima fermata".
419
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
Ero io in un taxi.
420
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:02,245
Iniziamo da qui.
421
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Questa parte la tagliamo.
422
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:10,920
Non c'è problema. È come
se non fosse mai successo.
423
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:12,797
Torniamo alle scopate.
424
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,425
Facciamo conto che non sia successo.
425
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
Ho sempre voluto farlo.
426
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Complimenti per la scopata.
427
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Grazie per aver ripreso
a guardare lo show.
428
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Scusate...
429
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
Ho sempre voluto che accadesse,
mentre guardavo Netflix.
430
00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:43,536
Com'è stato? Ti è piaciuto?
431
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
Era come speravi che fosse? Lo spero.
432
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:56,132
Se non era bello, non mettevi
in pausa sulla cosa di Crenshaw, stronzo.
433
00:28:00,970 --> 00:28:02,681
Ci stiamo divertendo. No, scusate.
434
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Vabbè, non importa.
435
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Così scrivo questa battuta, tipo...
436
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"Sembra un sicario in un film porno."
437
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Non devo neanche pensarci.
438
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Poi, di colpo,
439
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,864
appena prima che tocca a me
andare in studio,
440
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:24,577
uno di quelli che mi ha aiutato a scrivere
fa: "Ehi, ho fatto qualche ricerca".
441
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,414
E io: "Ci hai pensato solo ora?"
E lui: "Sì".
442
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Aspettano proprio l'ultimo minuto.
443
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,086
Fa: "Hai presente Dan Crenshaw?
444
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:36,840
Credo che abbia perso l'occhio
in guerra o qualcosa di simile".
445
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
"Che cosa?" Poi sento: "Pete, tocca a te".
446
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,138
E io: "Cazzo!" E lui:
"Andrà tutto bene, non ti preoccupare.
447
00:28:43,221 --> 00:28:45,473
Tanto ci metti tu la faccia, non io".
448
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Provo ad essere delicato,
che è difficile,
449
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
sempre per la cosa
dei funghi magici di prima.
450
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Ma essere delicati è proprio
tra le cose più difficili da fare.
451
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Non in senso generale,
ma delicati in quel momento.
452
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
Tipo: "Ehi!" E voi: "Oh!"
453
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:10,081
Grazie alle 12 persone che l'hanno capita.
454
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,753
Che cazzo di battuta è?
455
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Come ho già detto,
ormai chiamano tutti su Netflix.
456
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Hai scopato di nuovo?
Fantastico, amico!
457
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Grazie per essere tornato.
458
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Lo apprezzo molto.
459
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Deve essere stato bello, figliolo,
è per quello.
460
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
Ma durante la cosa di Crenshaw?
461
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
Ma andiamo...
462
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:43,823
Rido anch'io,
perché è la prima volta che la faccio.
463
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,998
Sono in onda. Il mio amico mi ha detto
che forse ha perso l'occhio in guerra,
464
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
quindi penso:
"Cavolo, devo essere delicato.
465
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:58,838
Devo chiedere scusa dopo la battuta.
Mettere le mani avanti, no?"
466
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:02,842
Così faccio la mia battuta e chiedo scusa.
467
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,344
Ricordo com'è andata.
468
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:07,430
Ricordo esattamente cosa ho detto.
Non lo dimenticherò mai.
469
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
"Dan Crenshaw.
Sembra un sicario in un film porno, vero?"
470
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Per suscitare
quella risata un po' deludente.
471
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:20,485
Poi dico: "Scusate. So che forse ha perso
l'occhio in guerra o qualcosa del genere".
472
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:24,113
Con quel "qualcosa del genere", tutti:
"Tu odi l'America!"
473
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:28,952
E io: "No! Non volevo dire inesattezze
su come aveva perso l'occhio".
474
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,411
È un cazzo di crimine?
475
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
Forse l'ha perso in guerra.
476
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:34,874
Non lo so. Forse in Afghanistan,
477
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:37,710
o mentre si preparava un panino
Non ne ho idea.
478
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,631
Scusate se non ho la figurina
da collezione di Dan Crenshaw
479
00:30:41,714 --> 00:30:43,675
con la sua biografia completa.
480
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Scusate, è solo per dire.
481
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:50,056
Cerco di essere delicato.
Avete presente il Generale Patton?
482
00:30:50,139 --> 00:30:52,141
Uno dei più grandi eroi americani.
483
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:53,560
Morì nella Germania nazista
484
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:56,229
una settimana dopo la guerra
in un incidente d'auto.
485
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:59,649
Ma, quando parliamo
del grande Generale Patton, diciamo:
486
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,443
"È morto in guerra...
o qualcosa del genere".
487
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
È più semplice di...
488
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"Beh, ha vinto la guerra,
ma ha preso male una curva e..." Già.
489
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
È un'espressione.
Non significa che odio l'America, ok?
490
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
L'unica cosa che non mi piace
è quando la gente dice:
491
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"È colpa tua se ha vinto", che non è vero.
492
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
Credo che molti avessero già votato,
493
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,384
e il tizio è un repubblicano
con una benda sull'occhio in Texas...
494
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
La sua elezione
era già praticamente assicurata.
495
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Potevo dirvelo io.
496
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
Penso che in Texas abbiano solo le foto.
497
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
È così che votano.
498
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Quindi non sono stato io a farlo vincere.
499
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:49,365
È colpa dell'America.
Capite? Come anche questo.
500
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Già. Io non ho fatto niente per lui.
501
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
L'unica cosa di cui sono colpevole
502
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,917
e per cui mi scuso
è aver reso il tipo famoso
503
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,210
e un nome riconoscibile senza motivo.
504
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:04,213
Ho fatto quello
che Ariana Grande ha fatto per me.
505
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Sì, è così.
506
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
"Gli ho succhiato il cazzo a SNL."
507
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Non volevo usarlo nelle mie battute,
ma poi un mio amico mi ha detto:
508
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Di recente, ho saputo che Ariana
ha detto che non sapeva chi fossi,
509
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
e che usciva con te solo per distrarsi".
510
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:27,362
I giochi sono aperti.
511
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Quindi...
512
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
Non applaudite.
513
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
Non siamo al tour Drake vs Lil Wayne.
514
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Non è una gara, va bene?
515
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,373
Lei ha le sue canzoni e la sua roba
e io ho questa roba qui.
516
00:32:39,582 --> 00:32:42,627
Quindi è tutto qui, va bene?
517
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
E voi: "Non è giusto, Pete.
Stai sparlando di cose private.
518
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Come hai potuto?
Quando ha detto queste cose?
519
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
A casa sua, in privato alle sue amiche?"
520
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
No, sulla copertina di Vogue.
521
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:04,315
Vi immaginate se fossi stato io a farlo?
La mia carriera finirebbe domani.
522
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:09,237
Se mi spruzzassi di abbronzante
e mi spiaccicassi sulla copertina di Vogue
523
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
a dire stronzate sulla mia ex,
potreste immaginare cosa...
524
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,868
Non applaudite
come se foste al tour Drake vs Lil Wayne.
525
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,162
Non mi piace. Mi piacciono le risate.
526
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,539
Sono solo battute.
527
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:24,419
Ve lo immaginate? Dico:
"Me la stavo scopando perché ero annoiato,
528
00:33:24,502 --> 00:33:27,046
e poi è uscito Fortnite". Sarebbe assurdo.
529
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
E voi: "Ma deve esserle successo qualcosa,
vero? Ci sono state ripercussioni?"
530
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,849
No. La rivista Billboard
l'ha nominata Donna dell'Anno,
531
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:42,353
e, su barstoolsports.com, hanno paragonato
i miei occhi a "buchi di culo".
532
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:52,071
A volte, la vita è un po' ingiusta.
533
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Sono solo battute.
Non voglio alimentare la fiamma.
534
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,914
La mia paura più grande è che una bimba
di nove anni con la coda
535
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:03,416
mi spari alla nuca,
536
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
e che sentirò solo: "Hashtag cancellato"
537
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,131
prima che mi faccia saltare le cervella.
538
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Non voglio critiche
dalle bambine di nove anni.
539
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
No, è proprio una donna potente,
quella Ariana.
540
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:26,939
È una donna davvero potente
e molto intelligente.
541
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:30,693
Devi esserlo, se riesci a rovinare
Starbucks per una persona.
542
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
Ci sono andato l'altro giorno
543
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
e ho chiesto un caffè grande,
e il tizio...
544
00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:45,583
E io: "Fottiti! Vado da Dunkin' Donuts.
545
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Perché li stanno chiudendo tutti?
Non ne trovo uno."
546
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,425
Molte persone
mi chiedono spesso com'è stato.
547
00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:58,304
Come ogni volta che rompi con qualcuno,
solo che lo vedono tutti.
548
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Sì, era come... Solo che non sapevo...
549
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Sapevo a cosa andavo incontro,
ma non sapevo delle foto.
550
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Se l'avessi saputo,
sarei andato prima dal dermatologo.
551
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Avrei preso qualche precauzione,
perché non sapevo...
552
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
È stata una cosa normale.
Inviti i tuoi amici e loro ti mentono.
553
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,952
Fanno: "Non ti preoccupare, fratello.
Tanto non la conosce nessuno.
554
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Stai meglio da solo. Fidati..."
Avete presente?
555
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Poi esce la canzone
556
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
e fanno:
"Sai che ti voglio bene, vero, fratello?
557
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
È orecchiabile.
558
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,677
Davvero. I prossimi otto mesi
saranno duri. Mi dispiace.
559
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,929
Scusa, ma la canzone mi piace molto.
560
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Tu mi piaci, ma..."
561
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Mio nonno dice: "È una bomba.
562
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Mi dispiace, Peter, ma è una bomba.
563
00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:57,780
È una bella canzone,
e io neanche ascolto quella roba".
564
00:35:57,864 --> 00:35:59,198
E io: "Ho capito!"
565
00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:05,955
Ma sì, c'è un'unica cosa
che non mi è piaciuta di tutto questo,
566
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:08,166
un comune malinteso.
567
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:12,086
Non mi piace che abbia detto
tutte quelle stronzate sul mio cazzo.
568
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,046
Mi è sembrato bizzarro.
569
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,425
"Tra noi non ha funzionato,
ma ha un bel cazzo."
570
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:20,678
Ho pensato che fosse strano,
perché tutti dicevano:
571
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
"Oh, che brava ragazza!"
572
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,644
Facciamo un passo indietro.
E se fossi stato io a dirlo?
573
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
Ve lo immaginate? "Tra noi
non ha funzionato, ma bella fica!
574
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,525
Era proprio fradicia!
575
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Una bella fica, ma è andata."
576
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
È ridicolo.
577
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Non ho potuto dire niente.
578
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Sì, solo questo.
579
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Il motivo per cui non mi è piaciuto
è perché non è affatto vero.
580
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Lei ha queste manine minuscole.
581
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Sono proprio piccole.
582
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:04,931
Per lei è tutto enorme.
583
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:08,434
Ci abbiamo riso per tutta la relazione.
584
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
Dicevo: "Enorme per te,
ma piccolo per gli altri. Forte!"
585
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Vi chiedete:
"Perché? Se sapeva questa cosa,
586
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
perché ha detto a tutti
che avevi un pene enorme?" Giusto?
587
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Perché l'avrebbe fatto?
Di primo acchito, pensate:
588
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,457
"Che brava ragazza! Tra di loro è finita,
ma gli ha fatto un complimento.
589
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:35,920
Ha detto a tutti che ha un bel pene".
Non è per quello.
590
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
L'ha fatto perché...
591
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
È un genio. Ricordate
che è davvero molto intelligente.
592
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
L'ha fatto così che ogni ragazza
che d'ora in avanti vedrà il mio cazzo
593
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
resterà delusa.
594
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
È geniale!
595
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,856
Me lo porterò dietro per sempre.
596
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Aspetta.
597
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
Non mi sono neanche potuto godere
la mia estate dal grosso cazzo.
598
00:38:06,075 --> 00:38:10,162
Smettetela, per favore.
Ho una famiglia. Smettetela.
599
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,999
La mia povera madre.
600
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:17,920
Ora qualche battuta sull'11 settembre
e poi ce ne possiamo andare.
601
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:22,758
Che ne dite? Forte. Gli unici applausi
permessi per l'11 settembre.
602
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Mio padre è morto l'11 settembre.
603
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Mi hanno detto di dirlo prima di iniziare,
604
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:33,978
perché alcune persone non lo sanno.
Io non ero d'accordo,
605
00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:36,063
perché pensavo che, se l'avessi detto,
606
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,191
si sarebbe fermato tutto
e si sarebbe creato imbarazzo.
607
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Ho vinto. Avevo ragione io.
608
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,367
Quando tuo padre muore, e lavora
per lo Stato o qualcosa del genere...
609
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,369
Non lo so. Era un pompiere.
610
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
A volte, la tua famiglia riceve dei soldi.
611
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Non tantissimi. Solo un po'.
612
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
Ci danno dei soldi,
e ricordo che mia madre,
613
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:07,970
per far sentire meglio me e mia sorella,
voleva usarli per comprarci una piscina.
614
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Pensava che ci avrebbe comprato
una piscina,
615
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
e ci saremmo fatti degli amici
con cui nuotarci dentro.
616
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Il che è un po' tetro.
617
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,109
Nuotare nella vasca della morte.
618
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:28,741
È una bella idea, ma ogni tuffo bomba
avrebbe un significato bizzarro.
619
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Ci faresti le vasche
ogni singolo giorno e... No.
620
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:44,965
Allora compra questa piscina
per me e per mia sorella.
621
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,595
Avevo sette anni quando mio padre morì,
e i bambini non capiscono quella roba.
622
00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:51,639
Non sanno che sta succedendo.
623
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:55,059
Ci compra la piscina
e gli altri bambini a scuola fanno:
624
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:59,438
"Sei proprio fortunato!
Sei ricco. Hai una piscina!"
625
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:02,191
E io: "Sì, sono fortunato
ad avere una piscina
626
00:40:02,274 --> 00:40:04,568
da riempire di lacrime ogni estate.
627
00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:08,447
Così sai di essere ricco,
quando puoi nuotare nel tuo dolore.
628
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Grazia a Dio Osama bin Laden
ha messo la sveglia.
629
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,702
Sennò non avrei la piscina!
630
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Scusa. Puoi venire più tardi".
631
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,962
Quella la lasciamo, Jason, non m'importa.
632
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Ho fatto una cosa per mio padre,
quest'estate.
633
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:33,597
Ho dovuto girare una cosa.
Ho dovuto fare delle ricerche su di lui
634
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,599
e parlare con i suoi amici.
635
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:40,187
Io sono di Staten Island, mio padre anche,
quindi i suoi amici sono come me.
636
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:41,397
Fanno schifo.
637
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Già. Siamo la gente spazzatura.
Letteralmente.
638
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Siamo famosi per avere
la discarica più grande del mondo,
639
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,116
che si vede anche dallo spazio.
640
00:40:53,033 --> 00:40:56,162
È quello che dice il tassista
quando entra nella zona.
641
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,457
"Non so se lo sapete,
ma qui c'è la discarica più grande",
642
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,375
invece di: "Guardate l'albero!"
643
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
E voi: "Cos'è successo alla discarica.
Che ci hanno fatto?"
644
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,176
Ci hanno costruito un parco.
645
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
E voi: "Quindi hanno tolto
tutta la spazzatura?"
646
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
No. Ci hanno solo costruito
il fottuto parco sopra.
647
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,228
E tra dieci anni,
quando inizierà a rovinarsi,
648
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:24,273
i bambini rimarranno infilzati
dalle Honda del '98.
649
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Cerco di spiegarvi
com'è fatta la gente di Staten Island.
650
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Non è un buon esempio.
651
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
È come se aveste una Marlboro rossa,
la gettaste nella vasca
652
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
e prendesse vita.
653
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
È...
654
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
È...
655
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
L'abitante di Staten Island è lo stesso.
656
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Dovevo incontrare i suoi amici.
657
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Ma tutte le storie che sapevo su mio padre
erano di quando avevo sette anni,
658
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:02,853
quindi quelle che mi raccontano loro
erano molto diverse
659
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
da quelle che conoscevo io.
660
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Non so nemmeno chi sia questo tipo.
Vi faccio un esempio.
661
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:14,365
Da bambino, i suoi amici dicevano:
"Tuo padre era il numero uno.
662
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,744
Giocavamo a basket
e facevamo tutti i compiti, sai?
663
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Mangiava sempre tutto.
664
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Mangiava sempre tutto!
665
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Mangia!"
666
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Perché?
667
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:33,926
Ho capito perché, a sette anni,
era difficile mangiare
668
00:42:34,009 --> 00:42:35,886
tutto quello che c'era nel piatto.
669
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
La porzione che ci danno gli adulti
è uguale alla loro,
670
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:43,352
e noi pesiamo un terzo di loro.
Ne mangiamo un terzo e siamo pieni.
671
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:47,982
Tu che urli: "Mangia!" non aiuta.
Fa solo ingrassare tutti. Capite?
672
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:52,069
Mia madre diceva: "Ci sono bambini,
in Africa, che muoiono di fame".
673
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,239
Diceva sempre così
per farmi sentire in colpa.
674
00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:59,368
"Può darsi, ma, se un bambino africano
mangiasse un terzo di questo,
675
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
direbbe: 'Sono pieno.'"
676
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Mi piace che metà di voi fa: "Che ridere!"
677
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
e l'altra metà:
"Non so se puoi dire queste cose".
678
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,341
Vedremo dopo su Twitter,
il giudice supremo.
679
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,095
I nuovi cancelli del Paradiso.
680
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,724
Decide il futuro di tutti.
681
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Devo andare a incontrare
gli amici di mio padre e chiedo:
682
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:30,441
"Raccontami qualche storia". E lui:
683
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"Oh, ci facevamo sempre di coca!"
684
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
E io: "Cosa?"
685
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
E lui: "Mi dispiace.
Forse non dovevo dirtelo?"
686
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
E io: "No, va bene.
È solo che non me lo aspettavo.
687
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,251
Da bambino, sentivo dire sempre
che giocava a basket,
688
00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:52,921
faceva i compiti, mangiava
tutto quello che c'era sul piatto.
689
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:57,134
Immagino
che la terza sia ancora valida, ma... Sì.
690
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Non ero..." E lui:
"Scusa, devo proteggerti?
691
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Ti sto forse dando troppi dettagli?"
E io: "No, è solo...
692
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
Ho sempre saputo
che mio padre era un eroe,
693
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
ma non sapevo che fosse un supereroe.
694
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Non sapevo che fosse così figo".
695
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Un uomo degli anni '90,
che sniffava e spegneva incendi. Che mito!
696
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:22,242
Mai stato così fiero.
697
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,162
Quello mi ha fatto sorridere.
Non è mitico?
698
00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:29,291
Ci pensate? La vostra casa va a fuoco.
Arriva il camion dei pompieri.
699
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:32,127
Uno fa: "Ok, prendo l'idrante".
Un altro fa:
700
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
"Metto in sicurezza l'area".
Poi mio padre fa:
701
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"Andiamo a basta, cazzo! Niente elmetto!"
702
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:45,182
Grazie, ragazzi.
Buonanotte. Vi ringrazio di essere venuti.
703
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Grazie.
704
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
COME GESTIRE UN PENE ENORME
705
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
TUTTO ESAURITO
706
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Lo spettacolo è finito,
ma c'è una storia che mi piace raccontare.
707
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Ho sempre voglia di raccontarla.
708
00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:48,120
È l'unica altra storia
che mi hanno raccontato su mio padre.
709
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:53,751
Sono lì con quel tipo e gli dico:
"Raccontami qualcosa di mio padre".
710
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
Lui mi parla della coca
e io: "Hai altre storie?"
711
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
Fa: "Ne ho un'altra".
712
00:45:59,131 --> 00:46:03,427
E io: "Ok, va bene..."
Allora fa: "Una volta, è capitato..."
713
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:07,014
Parla così. Non voglio che pensiate
che me lo sia inventato.
714
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,434
Sarebbe imbarazzante,
ma lui parla proprio così. Fa:
715
00:46:10,517 --> 00:46:14,730
"Una volta, io e tuo padre andammo
nei Poconos per un matrimonio".
716
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
I Poconos sono un po' come le Bahamas.
717
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,153
È il posto in cui vai
per provare a salvare il tuo matrimonio.
718
00:46:21,236 --> 00:46:23,322
Scopi nella vasca a forma di cuore,
719
00:46:23,405 --> 00:46:26,116
metti il gettone nel letto
per farlo tremare...
720
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
Fai: "Trema... come la nostra vita!"
721
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:35,918
Lui fa: "Siamo nei Poconos, no?
722
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Siamo lì per un matrimonio, no?
723
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Sono a questo matrimonio
e ci stiamo divertendo.
724
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
Stiamo ballando e ci stiamo sballando.
725
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
Alla grande, no?"
726
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,137
E io: "Forte, amico". Dal 1987.
727
00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:49,640
"Ci stavamo sballando."
Ne vado ancora fiero.
728
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
Fa: "Io e tuo padre
siamo a questo matrimonio.
729
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Condividiamo una camera,
lì nei Poconos, no?
730
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
E io sono con questa ragazza,
che ho intenzione di scopare, no?"
731
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Chiedeva sempre: "No?",
come se avrei detto:
732
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
"No, non è così che è andata".
733
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Non l'ho mai sentita prima. Sì.
734
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
Fa: "Me la voglio scopare, no?
Così cerco tuo padre.
735
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,294
Lo cerco dappertutto.
Chiedo: 'Dove sei, Scott?'"
736
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Sul serio.
"Chiedo: 'Dove sei? Non ti vedo'."
737
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:26,844
Me l'ha mimato davanti.
738
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
Fa: "Così ho pensato
che magari si stava scopando qualcuno, no?
739
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,895
Così torno in camera, no?
E tuo padre non è da nessuna parte, no?
740
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,898
Sono con questa ragazza
e iniziamo a trombare, no?
741
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:43,944
E andiamo alla grande, no?
Me la sto scopando in tutte le posizioni.
742
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:47,364
Me la sono fatta lì, poi qui,
poi andiamo in bagno..."
743
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
E io: "Ehi, quando arriva mio padre?
Perché questa sembra solo
744
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
la storia dettagliata di una scopata
che ti sei fatto nel 1987".
745
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,461
"Aspetta. Ora arriva. Voglio solo
che tu sappia che non sono uno sfigato."
746
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,338
E io: "Sì, questo lo so già".
747
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Fa: "Quindi stiamo scopando, no?
748
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
E lei viene. E io vengo.
749
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Lei prima, ovviamente...
E poi abbiamo finito, no?
750
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
E siamo sdraiati lì, soddisfatti e...
751
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
Di colpo, dall'altra parte della stanza,
752
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
vedo un mozzicone di sigaretta
che brilla nel buio.
753
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Accendo le luci... È tuo padre!
754
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
Faccio: 'Scott! Ti ho cercato ovunque'.
755
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,869
E lui:
'Grazie per lo spettacolo gratuito'".
756
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,498
Poi fa: "Ecco, quello era tuo padre".
757
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
Fa: "Non è una storia fantastica?"
758
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
E io: "No!
759
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Non la racconti in giro, vero?
È una storia terribile.
760
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,678
La ragazza è viva?
Mi toccherà trovarla e saldare il conto.
761
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,764
Che razza di storie mi racconti?"
762
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,392
Grazie a tutti. Buona serata!
763
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Sottotitoli: Fabrizia Caravelli
1
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:06,589
ルイス･Ｃ･Ｋが
俺をクビにしようとした
2
00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:10,635
ルイス･Ｃ･Ｋが
俺をクビにしようとした
NETFLIX オリジナルコメディ
3
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:10,760
ルイス･Ｃ･Ｋが
俺をクビにしようとした
4
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
「ＳＮＬ(サタデー･ナイト･ライブ)」での話で
時期は2014年か2015年だ
5
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
しばらくは
クビを告げられることなく
6
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,483
とても幸せに過ごしていた
7
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:29,738
毎週のように
超いい気分だったよ
8
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:34,659
その日の放送回の司会者が
ルイス･Ｃ･Ｋだった
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:38,413
当時 彼はまだ
皆の憧れの的だった
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,624
まだ 皆に
尊敬されてたんだ
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
俺も彼を
すごい人と思ってた
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,172
当時はね
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:54,220
ルイスと親しくなりたいとも
考えてた
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:58,266
放送後に
クビにならなかった俺は
15
00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:01,269
ほっとして
楽屋で大麻を吸った
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,647
そのあと
エレベーターに行ったら―
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
そこにルイスがいたんだ
18
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:11,362
出演者や脚本家と話してたよ
19
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:14,282
彼らは
話に夢中だったから―
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:17,077
俺は加わりたくなかった
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:22,916
だってハイだったし
会話をぶち壊したくなくてね
22
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:27,128
パーカーのフードを
深くかぶって―
23
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:32,467
彼らから離れた所で
エレベーターを待ってた
24
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:34,844
俺がボタンを押すと―
25
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,807
ルイスが会話を中断して
俺を指さした
26
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
そして言ったよ
27
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
“見ろ！
ピートの奴がハイだ”
28
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:47,899
“職場で大麻を吸うとはな
クビにするぞ”
29
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,488
俺はハイだから
妄想だと勘違いさ
30
00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:57,784
“これは現実じゃない”って
思ってた
31
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
“きっと大麻のせいだ”
32
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,290
“ルイスは
俺に挨拶しただけさ”と
33
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,380
翌日 Ｌ(ローン)･マイケルズの
事務室から電話が来た
34
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:13,758
１年間も
番組に出演してたのに―
35
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,720
彼の事務室からの電話は
初めてだった
36
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,974
不安になりながら
電話を取ると―
37
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:26,729
“ルイスが こっちに来て
あなたの話をしました”
38
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:30,150
“ローンが
会いたいと言ってます”
39
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:34,696
俺は最悪な心境さ
クビになると思った
40
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:38,324
でも 自分に
こう言い聞かせたよ
41
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
“別にいいさ バカどもめ”
42
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:44,080
“雇用して解雇とは
マヌケだ”
43
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,499
“２回も間違いやがって”
44
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:50,420
“恥をかくのは
そっちだぞ”とな
45
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
自分を励ましながら
ローンの事務室に行ったよ
46
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,345
扉を開けるとローンがいた
47
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:03,641
混乱してるような
表情を浮かべてたね
48
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:09,230
突然 “割り算して”と
言われたみたいな顔だった
49
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:19,407
混乱した顔で
俺に座るよう言ったあと―
50
00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:23,870
“ピート
ルイスから聞いたんだが”
51
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:27,916
”君はハッパを
吸うそうだな”と
52
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,754
俺は“ああ”と言った
53
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,218
“あなたが聞いたウワサは
本当だ”と
54
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:44,599
困った顔をした彼が
俺に こう伝えたよ
55
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,434
声にはせず目頭でね
56
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
“呼び出して悪かった”
57
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,898
“ルイスから聞いて
仕方なく呼んだ”
58
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,275
“大した問題ではないよ”
59
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,570
“コカインに比べりゃ
へのかっぱだ”
60
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,240
“本当に申し訳ない”
61
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,034
俺も目頭で こう返した
62
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:04,827
“まったくだぜ”
63
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,874
そんな気まずい時間のあと
ローンが言った
64
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:14,671
“ルイスから
いろいろと聞いたよ”
65
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:18,800
“君は かなりの量を
吸うらしいから―”
66
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:22,971
“今後は大麻の量を
注意(ウォッチ)してくれ”
67
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,723
俺は“了解 見守る(ウォッチ)”
68
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,521
“大麻のことをずっとな
俺は約束を破らない”と
69
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,940
ローンは こうも言った
70
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:38,820
“本当に申し訳ないが
ルイスが気にしてる”
71
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:43,283
“君が大麻でキャリアに
傷をつけてるとね”
72
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
“不快にも感じてるようだ”
73
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,914
俺が“本当に？”と言うと
彼は“ああ”と
74
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:53,209
そして彼に
“俺はクビ？”と聞いた
75
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,045
彼は“いいや”
俺は“なぜ？”と
76
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,630
彼は“さあな”
77
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:04,012
俺たちは
毎年 こんな会話をする
78
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,305
“クビ？”
79
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,808
“まだだ
何とかなるだろう”
80
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,940
俺は すごく落ち込んだよ
81
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:19,736
ルイスに嫌われてると
思ってね
82
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:23,364
彼は最強の芸人の
１人だったんだ
83
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:24,782
あの当時はな
84
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:30,288
“お笑いをやめるべきかも”
とさえ思った
85
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
ルイスに
認められたいのに―
86
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
大麻のせいで
拒絶されてしまった
87
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,922
最悪な気持ちだったよ
88
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,592
５年も
つらい思いをしたが―
89
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,845
突然 すばらしい日が訪れた
90
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:53,311
朝 起きて
ニュースを見ると―
91
00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:56,814
“ルイス･Ｃ･Ｋが
女性の前で自慰行為”
92
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,150
俺は“やった！”と
93
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,154
気持ちが分かるだろ？
94
00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:06,657
セクハラ行為は
いけないことだが―
95
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,993
俺には吉報だったんだ
96
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:14,832
オナニーは１人でやるのも
十分 恥ずかしいだろ？
97
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,628
俺がするのを
想像してみてほしい
98
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:24,342
オナニーは
かなり妙な行為だ
99
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
なかなかイケなくて
困った経験はないか？
100
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:31,349
そんな時は負け犬の気分さ
101
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:36,396
“自分でもイケないのに
女をイカせられるか？”と
102
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:40,358
最悪なのは
鏡の前でのオナニーだ
103
00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:43,277
俺も経験あるが
二度としないよ
104
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,405
暗闇でやるのが一番だ
105
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:48,908
俺は始める前に携帯も裏返す
106
00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:51,911
途中で
母親からメールが来たら―
107
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:55,665
そのメールの上に
自分の姿が映るからだ
108
00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:01,045
母親からメールを見て
イケるか？
109
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:05,883
不可能ではないだろうが
かなり難しいはずだ
110
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:13,850
あのニュースには
本当に落ち込んだよ
111
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:17,228
見せつけられた女性たちが
気の毒だ
112
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:20,189
でも
シコってるルイスの前で―
113
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:24,110
女性たちが
大麻を吸ったら面白そうだ
114
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
彼は激怒するだろうな
115
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
“それはハッパか？
ケダモノめ！”
116
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,660
“告げ口するからな”
117
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:36,956
“キャリアが台なしに
なっても知らないぞ”
118
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,470
俺が金銭的援助をしてる
ダチに子供ができた
119
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,597
つまり 俺も父親さ
120
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:57,143
心の準備はできてなかった
121
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
彼が電話で
“朗報だ”と言った
122
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:05,151
俺が“就職か？”と聞くと
彼が“違う ガキさ”
123
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:09,280
また負担が増えると思ったが
うれしかったよ
124
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
俺も早く子供が欲しい
125
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
親になるのは
別に大変じゃないだろ？
126
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
友人たちの愚痴を聞いて
俺は そう感じた
127
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,380
奴らは皆 言う
“赤ん坊って泣くぞ”
128
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,800
俺は“別の部屋に行けば
解決だ“と
129
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:35,097
人間は誰だって泣くんだぞ
130
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,808
俺が泣くとダチが言った
131
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,521
“仕事があるから行くよ
自分で解決しろ”
132
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,236
愚痴の１つが泣くことで
もう１つは これさ
133
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,863
“赤ん坊はクソばかりする”
134
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:54,659
クソがどうした？
俺も よくするぞ
135
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,580
小さいケツを拭くくらい
何ともないし―
136
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:02,583
逆に勉強になることもある
137
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:06,128
しっかり拭くべき箇所が
分かるんだ
138
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,299
“この辺りが死角だから
徹底的に拭こう”
139
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,427
つまり
自分のケツに活用できる
140
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,431
シャワー後に実感さ
141
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:19,225
“快適だぜ”とな
142
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,191
俺は子守が好きだ
143
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:31,404
キノコを摂取してるから
赤ん坊の言葉が分かる
144
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
奴らは
ずっとしゃべってるぞ
145
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
甥(おい)がテレビの前で
叫び続けるから―
146
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:41,998
俺が犯罪番組に
変えてやったら 喜んでたよ
147
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,667
キノコは最高だ
148
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:49,880
坂道をジェットコースターで
ずっと上っていく感じがする
149
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,340
永遠に上昇さ
150
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:56,929
“気持ちいいぜ！
こんなの信じられねえよ”
151
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,639
これが４時間だ
152
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
この前 子守した時
変なことが起きた
153
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
友人の息子に
歯が生えてきててな
154
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
一緒に
犯罪番組を見てると―
155
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
その子が いきなり
俺の手を握った
156
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
そして 俺の指を
しゃぶり始めたんだ
157
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,999
気持ちよかった
158
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
だから―
159
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,631
すぐには引き抜かなかった
160
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:37,178
“やめろ！”とは
一応 言ったが
161
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:47,063
一部の客がドン引きしてる
162
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:51,233
承知だよ
何度も経験済みだからな
163
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
俺は芸人だし
今のは ただの冗談だよ
164
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,909
ここが
政治的な集会の場なら―
165
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
あんな発言は
アウトになるだろうがな
166
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,793
これは選挙運動とは違う
167
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:17,301
女は男に“イカせる方法”を
教えるべきだ
168
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:22,306
最初のセックスの前に
説明すればいい
169
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,976
女のイキ方は
人それぞれらしい
170
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,603
希望的観測だが
171
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:35,903
女によって異なるし
死を感じる者もいるようだ
172
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,365
あの女は恐ろしかった
173
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,077
実話さ
174
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,086
ごめんよ
たまに自分でウケてしまう
175
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,841
セックスで
我慢する必要はない
176
00:11:56,924 --> 00:12:01,095
相手の気分を
損ねたくないのは分かるが
177
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:05,266
女は ちゃんと
男に言うべきだ
178
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,018
“こうされるのはイヤ”とね
179
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,354
俺は そう言われると―
180
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:15,317
“なら これはどう？”と
臨機応変に対応する
181
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737
男のイカせ方は簡単だ
182
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
シゴいたら何か出てくる
183
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
超簡単だから
俺の息子にも できるだろう
184
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,377
女のイカせ方も
実は単純らしい
185
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:37,256
男が必死に腰を振っても
女には迷惑かもな
186
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:41,010
俺にとっての性教育は
ポルノだけだった
187
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:45,097
母親と妹との
３人暮らしだったから―
188
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,642
性について話す機会が
なかったんだ
189
00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:51,437
“母さんたち 話がある”
190
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:56,817
そうやって助言を
求めるわけにもいかない
191
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,698
つまり
ポルノがすべてだった
192
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,618
激しく動いて
大声で叫び―
193
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:12,124
チンコで腕立て伏せするのが
当たり前だと思ってた
194
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,167
ごめん
195
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
そんな俺に ある女が
性の知識を教えてくれた
196
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
バギナというものがあると
聞かされたよ
197
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:28,474
ボクシングの練習で
使うものに似てる
198
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,100
こんな感じだ
199
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,145
スピードバッグさ
200
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:37,650
ボクサーが連続で
パンチするものだ
201
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,736
バギナも これと変わらない
202
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:46,116
例のものを軽くこするか
全速力でこするか
203
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,953
その２択しかないらしい
204
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,289
どんな服装でもできる
205
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
相手に素直に伝えるべきだ
206
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,882
俺も女に
やめるよう頼むはずだよ
207
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:05,427
セックスの時
チンコをたたかれたらな
208
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:08,347
こんなふうに
我慢なんてしない
209
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,892
“痛い 痛い 痛い…”
210
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,894
“まだ続くのか？”
211
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
“一体 誰の命令だ？”
212
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,652
“俺を暗殺する気だな？”
213
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:29,118
男にもセックスの時
女にされてイヤな行為がある
214
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:34,248
“挿入(バング)”を望んでるから
なかなか 女に言えないんだ
215
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
他にも
いろいろ表現があるが―
216
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,922
“バング”が最適だと思うよ
217
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,844
子供向けのチャンネルでも
放送されるからな
218
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:50,514
だから 今日は
珍しくスーツ姿なんだ
219
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,893
いつもは
スライムまみれだが
220
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:04,111
これは女物のスーツさ
超シャレてるだろ？
221
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,908
離婚を乗り越えた女みたいに
見える
222
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,786
“１人で平気よ”
223
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,584
“楽しく生きてるわ”
224
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
男が嫌がるのは
騎乗位での行為だ
225
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
女が男にまたがって
パックリいく前に…
226
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,725
今の“パックリ”という表現も
最適だね
227
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:39,104
５つほど候補があったが
これが一番だ
228
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,276
他の４つは
響きがよくなかった
229
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,278
これが一番 いい
230
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:51,116
男に またがって
ドスンと入れる前に…
231
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,701
ほらな どうだ？
232
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
不快な響きだろ？
233
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,666
男に またがって
パックリいく前に―
234
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
ほとんどの女が体を
前後させてチンコの上を滑る
235
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
“気持ちいいでしょ？”と
男に聞くが―
236
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,885
全然 気持ちよくない
237
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,430
あれは痛いから
男は嫌いなんだ
238
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,766
“早く入れてくれ”
239
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
男は皆 そう思ってる
240
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,438
剃毛(ていもう)してても
してなくても―
241
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:24,483
女のあの部分は
チクチクするんだ
242
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,902
当然 チンコは痛くなる
243
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,990
気持ちいいわけないだろ
244
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,535
“雑巾絞り”を
されてる気分だ
245
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,998
子供の頃 母の友人に
そのイタズラをされた
246
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,711
かなり変な男だったよ
247
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:49,717
“雑巾絞りを知ってる？”と
俺に こっそり聞いた
248
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
彼に腕を絞られて
俺は“痛いよ！”と
249
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,898
とにかく
男は あの行為が嫌いだ
250
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,235
紙やすりで
こすられる感じだよ
251
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:11,405
でも 女には
分かりにくいだろうな
252
00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:16,535
男の痛い時と快感の時の顔は
似てるだろうからね
253
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,038
あれは本当に痛いんだ
254
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
チンコが荒れて
傷ができるほどだよ
255
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
翌朝 下半身を見ると
ビックリだ
256
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,798
“一体 何があった？”とね
257
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,509
24時間以内で発症する―
258
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:35,387
新種の性病だと思って
慌てたよ
259
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
医者に診てもらったら―
260
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
“ヤリ方が間違ってるぞ”と
言われた
261
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,816
これがスタテン島の医者さ
262
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:56,992
俺にはゲイの友達が大勢いる
263
00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:01,538
彼らとは
とてもいい関係を築けてるよ
264
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:05,918
ゲイの男とストレートの男の
間には利害関係がない
265
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,837
だからこそ
何でも正直に言える
266
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:12,424
ゲイの男たちは
本当に正直者だ
267
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,301
意地は悪いけどね
268
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:20,224
彼らは正直者で かつ
意地の悪い人たちなんだ
269
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,851
例えばこの前 母の家で…
270
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,229
いいや 俺の家でもある
271
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:30,234
誰の家でもいいだろ？
ほっといてくれよ
272
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:37,950
母親と一緒に
暮らしてるんだ
273
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,452
俺の部屋は地下にある
274
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,789
そこが俺のアパートさ
275
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,295
そのすぐ上に
母との共有スペースがある
276
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,714
母はルームメイトだ
277
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,427
地下には
俺だけの玄関があり―
278
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,722
“ピートの家”と書かれてる
279
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:04,059
最高だぞ
お菓子が食べ放題だ
280
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:13,861
クールな奴しか入れないよ
君たちは お断りさ
281
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,197
母さんも入れる
282
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
ノックさえすればな
それでＯＫさ
283
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,330
話を戻そう
284
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,835
俺が付き合う女には
必ずゲイの友達が大勢いる
285
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:33,755
でも １人だけ
ゲイに思えない奴がいてな
286
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:37,634
男たちは
心当たりがあるだろ？
287
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,179
“ああ カイルって奴だ”
288
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,639
“俺は彼が気に入らない”
289
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:48,187
女たちは恋人に
聞かれたことがないか？
290
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:51,815
“君は あのカイルって奴と
仲がいいな”
291
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,692
“彼は何者だ？”
292
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,527
女の返事は こうさ
293
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,988
“誰のこと？ カイル？”
294
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:02,117
男は“そうだよ
一体 どういう関係だ？”
295
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,330
すると女が
“バカね 彼はゲイよ”と
296
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:09,917
“ゲイだという証拠は？”と
男が聞く
297
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,921
“彼がゲイなのは
周知の事実なのか？”とも
298
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:17,341
女は“私の周りの人は
みんな知ってるわ”
299
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:20,802
男は“いいや
俺は知らないぞ”
300
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,931
“奴はウソつきに
決まってるさ”
301
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:29,269
“あいつは なぜ
女とお泊まり会をする？”
302
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:33,232
“女が嫌いなのに
女と寝るなんて変だ”
303
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,359
“俺は嫌いなものに―”
304
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,864
“絶対に寄りつかないぞ”
305
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,536
ゲイには こんな種類もいる
306
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,413
俺が勝手に名付けた
307
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,666
“体に触れる奴”さ
308
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,253
現代のゲイには
ルールがなくて―
309
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,463
何をやっても許される
310
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,840
本当に すごいことだよ
311
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:03,470
でも やりすぎには
注意してほしいね
312
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,267
そういう現状だからこそ
“体に触れる奴”も存在する
313
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,520
例えば
俺の彼女の胸をつかみ―
314
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:14,731
“あんた 最高ね”と
高笑いするゲイ
315
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
悪気はないが
全然 笑えねえよ
316
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,198
ゲイであることに
異論はないが―
317
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:27,577
俺は女に触れるために
多くの犠牲を払ってきた
318
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,583
友達の誕生パーティーより
女を優先して―
319
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:37,504
何度か友情も失った
320
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:42,843
ゲイだからって簡単に
女に触れるなんて不公平だ
321
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:48,473
恋人の目の前で
女の胸をつかみ 高笑い
322
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:49,975
やりたい放題だ
323
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:54,104
もし 俺が彼の恋人の
チンコをつかんで―
324
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:58,108
高笑いしたら
彼は不快に思うはずだろ
325
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:05,324
それと―
326
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,618
同じことだぞ
327
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:20,005
人によって
ルールが異なるなんて変だ
328
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:22,132
納得がいかないよ
329
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
そういう場面に
遭遇したら―
330
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
男は抵抗するシーンを
思い浮かべる
331
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:30,515
例えば こうだ
332
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:35,437
カイルが俺の彼女に近づき
胸をつかむ
333
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,022
そして 高笑い
334
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,941
俺は“カイル
何のつもりだ？”と
335
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,904
すると
カイルはカミングアウト
336
00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:45,906
“僕はゲイだ”と
337
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,744
つまり
彼の勝ちで対立が終わる
338
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:54,289
俺は彼に
“ごめん 続けてくれ”と
339
00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,751
バギナ好きの敗北宣言さ
340
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,299
本当に不思議なことだよ
341
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:07,552
ゲイの男と
ストレートの女の間でしか
342
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,262
成立しない関係だ
343
00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:13,683
ストレートの男が
レズビアンに駆け寄って―
344
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:16,728
胸をつかんだら大ごとだろ？
345
00:23:24,986 --> 00:23:28,073
俺はよく
トラブルに巻き込まれる
346
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,992
今日も警察に
車を止められた
347
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,371
そんな時は
Ｂ(ビリー)･ジョエルをかけるよ
348
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
警官が好印象を持つ
349
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
“ジョエルの曲か？
止めて悪かったよ”
350
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:45,048
“２チェインズを
聴くようなクズだと思った”
351
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,928
作戦が失敗する時もある
352
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,889
近づいてきた警官が―
353
00:23:52,973 --> 00:23:55,892
“Ｂ(ビル)･ウィザースの曲を
止めろ”と
354
00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:01,606
他にも
いろんなトラブルがあった
355
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,484
去年は冗談を言って―
356
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
ある男性を怒らせてしまった
357
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,742
眼帯をしている
クレンショーという政治家だ
358
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,037
悪いことをしたとは
思ってないよ
359
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:21,460
彼は有名になるために
俺の言葉を曲解して…
360
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:24,921
俺はＳＮＳを
使わないから―
361
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:29,593
トラブルが起きるたびに
対処法に困る
362
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:31,219
だから今回は―
363
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:35,307
この最高の場を借りて
みんなに説明したい
364
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:39,644
俺はネットの使用を
禁じられてる
365
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:44,483
ネットを使ったら
ムショ行きになるはずだ
366
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,569
眼帯の冗談を言ったあと―
367
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:50,780
俺は謝罪するはめになった
368
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:55,535
“顔を撃つぞ”という
脅しの電話が来たからだ
369
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
残念ながら
電話を取ったのは―
370
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,541
俺のルームメイトだった
371
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,252
つまり俺の母親さ
372
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
謝罪するよう説得されたよ
373
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,469
“顔を撃たれたら
大変よ”とね
374
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
「ＳＮＬ」では―
375
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
俺の出演する時間は短い
376
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:23,313
番組を見たことがない人も
いるだろう
377
00:25:23,396 --> 00:25:27,734
とにかく
俺の出番は少ないんだ
378
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:30,403
だから みんなと話し合った
379
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:33,823
短い時間で
俺は何をすべきかとね
380
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:37,118
“誰かをからかえ”と
助言されたよ
381
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:41,081
からかうのが得意な俺は
名案だと思った
382
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,876
“政治家なんてどうだ？”
とも言われて―
383
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,503
俺は乗ったよ
384
00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:50,715
６週間は それで
引っ張れると考えてね
385
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:55,929
人をからかう時に用いるのは
「８ Mile」のルールだ
386
00:25:56,012 --> 00:26:01,059
“まず自分を卑下してから
人をバカにすること”
387
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:06,273
政治家たちの写真を見ながら
冗談を考えた
388
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:12,195
いろんな顔がある中で
クレンショーの顔を見つけた
389
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:17,367
眼帯をしてるから
笑いが分かる男だと感じたよ
390
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:20,662
だって眼帯だぞ
391
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:24,416
目を失ったら
眼帯の前に３つ選択肢がある
392
00:26:24,499 --> 00:26:26,293
俺は本気でそう思うよ
393
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:29,838
１つは義眼で
もう１つは眼鏡
394
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:34,092
そしてサングラスだ
そのあとに眼帯だよ
395
00:26:34,175 --> 00:26:39,180
笑いが分かる男だから
からかってもＯＫと考えた
396
00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:44,311
それで害のない冗談に
しようと思い―
397
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,980
こんな冗談を思いついた
398
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
“ポルノに登場する
殺し屋みたい”と
399
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
「ＳＮＬ」らしい
無邪気な冗談さ
400
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:57,616
“笑えるね
そこで降ろしてくれ”
401
00:26:57,699 --> 00:27:02,579
タクシーの運転手と
かわしそうな軽い冗談だ
402
00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:06,791
今のは自分のものまねさ
403
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:09,002
スベったがな
404
00:27:09,085 --> 00:27:12,881
平気だよ
編集でカットすればいい
405
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,467
なかったことにする
406
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,015
話を戻すぞ
407
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,517
セックスの話にな
408
00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:28,063
この映像を一時停止して
ヤッた奴がいる
409
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:35,987
絶対に そういう視聴者が
いるはずだ
410
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,995
なあ 気持ちよかったか？
411
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,708
また見てくれてうれしいよ
412
00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:57,050
クレンショーの話で
ムラムラしたんだろうな
413
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,722
笑えるぜ！
414
00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:05,475
ごめん 本当に話を戻す
415
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,355
クレンショーへの
冗談を考えた
416
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:14,359
“ポルノに登場する
殺し屋みたい”
417
00:28:14,442 --> 00:28:18,655
だが 出演する直前に
ある男が俺に言った
418
00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:22,033
一緒に
冗談を考えてくれた奴だよ
419
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,744
“念のためにリサーチした”
420
00:28:24,828 --> 00:28:28,081
俺は“出演の直前に？
遅すぎるぞ”と
421
00:28:28,164 --> 00:28:30,792
奴は俺に こう続けたよ
422
00:28:30,875 --> 00:28:34,504
“あのクレンショーという
政治家は―”
423
00:28:34,587 --> 00:28:37,006
“戦争で目を失ったようだ”
424
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:40,260
するとスタッフが
“ピート 出番だ”と
425
00:28:40,343 --> 00:28:43,763
奴は無責任に“大丈夫さ
絶対にウケる”
426
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,473
“俺は関係ないが”
427
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
カメラの前で配慮したよ
428
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,524
キノコで
常にハイな俺にとって―
429
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:59,779
配慮するって
本当に難しいことなんだ
430
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
しかも突然 必要に迫られた
431
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,035
“配慮しろ” “はいよ”と
432
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:10,081
今ので笑ったのは12人
433
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,836
面白いだろ？
434
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:20,133
ステージに立たせてくれて
NETFLIXに感謝だ
435
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
お前 また
セックスしたのか？
436
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:27,932
一時停止を
解除してくれてありがとよ
437
00:29:28,391 --> 00:29:30,810
気持ちよかったか？
438
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:35,148
クランショーの話で
ヤリたくなった？
439
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:45,408
即興で考えた冗談としては
上出来だろ？
440
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,289
クランショーが戦争で
目を失ったと聞いて―
441
00:29:51,372 --> 00:29:54,876
俺は配慮しつつ
冗談を口にした
442
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:59,088
言った直後に
謝るべきだと思ったんだ
443
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:04,511
カメラの前で本当に謝ったよ
はっきり覚えてる
444
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:08,181
あれは
忘れられない放送回になった
445
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,811
”クレンショーはポルノに
登場する殺し屋みたいだ”
446
00:30:12,894 --> 00:30:15,063
まあまあ 笑いを取れたよ
447
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
その直後に―
448
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,652
“ごめんよ 戦争か何かで
目を失ったかも”
449
00:30:20,735 --> 00:30:24,405
この発言に
世間が“非国民め！”と騒いだ
450
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
彼が目を失った経緯を
説明しただけだ
451
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
これって犯罪か？
452
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:33,790
詳しいことは知らないが―
453
00:30:33,873 --> 00:30:37,669
料理中に包丁で
目をケガしたのかも
454
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:42,590
クレンショーの
ファンじゃなくて悪かったな
455
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:47,846
あれは言葉のあやで
俺なりの配慮だったんだ
456
00:30:48,471 --> 00:30:51,933
米国の偉大な英雄
パットン大将は―
457
00:30:52,016 --> 00:30:56,229
戦争の１週間後に
交通事故で死んだ
458
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,482
でも 彼は
偉大な人間だから―
459
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,943
多くの人が よくこう言う
460
00:31:02,026 --> 00:31:05,113
“パットン大将は
戦争で死んだ”と
461
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:08,658
“戦争に勝ったあと
事故で死去”だと ―
462
00:31:09,117 --> 00:31:10,660
ややこしいからだ
463
00:31:10,743 --> 00:31:14,956
それと同じで
俺は非国民ではない
464
00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:17,709
俺を こう非難する人もいる
465
00:31:17,792 --> 00:31:20,837
“お前のせいで
奴が当選した”とな
466
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,213
それも違うよ
467
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,426
眼帯を着けてる
共和党の候補者だぞ
468
00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:31,556
俺が冗談を言わなくても
当選は決まってたはずだ
469
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:35,768
テキサス州の投票用紙には
顔写真しか載ってない
470
00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,896
つまり 当選は顔次第さ
471
00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:46,321
だから 俺は何も悪くない
472
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:50,575
俺が世間に非難されたのも
米国のせいだ
473
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,871
俺は彼の当選に
貢献などしてないぞ
474
00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:59,792
訳もなく彼を有名にしたのは
悪いと思ってるがね
475
00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:04,297
Ａ(アリアナ)･グランデが
俺を有名にしたようにだ
476
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
今 思い出したよ
477
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:10,637
俺はスタジオで
彼のチンコをくわえた
478
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,476
元カノを
冗談にする気はなかった
479
00:32:16,559 --> 00:32:19,437
でもダチに こう言われてな
480
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,565
“アリアナは
お前が誰と知らずに―”
481
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
“暇潰しで交際したそうだ”
482
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:28,237
だから
冗談の種にしてやった
483
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:30,907
でも 拍手はやめてくれよ
484
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:34,243
張り合う気は
まったくないんだ
485
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:39,207
彼女には歌があるし
俺には これがある
486
00:32:39,540 --> 00:32:42,627
だから拍手は やめてくれよ
487
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:47,298
“元恋人の発言を
勝手に公表するとはひどい”
488
00:32:47,382 --> 00:32:51,511
そう思ってる人も
いるかもしれないな
489
00:32:52,804 --> 00:32:56,099
でも誤解だぞ
本人が女性誌で発言した
490
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:02,605
俺のキャリアは
終わりになるだろうな
491
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:06,401
もし 俺が
肌を浅黒く塗って―
492
00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:09,612
女性誌の表紙に登場したらね
493
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:13,116
記事では
元カノの悪口を言いまくる
494
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
拍手はやめてくれ
495
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,831
笑ってくれるだけでいいよ
ただの冗談だ
496
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:23,584
俺が こう言ったら
どうなる？
497
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:27,171
“ただの暇潰しで
彼女とセックスした”
498
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,095
俺の発言のせいで
彼女の印象が悪くなる？
499
00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:35,638
それも誤解だぞ
500
00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:39,225
彼女はビルボード誌の
ウーマン･オブ･ザ･イヤーだ
501
00:33:39,308 --> 00:33:42,645
一方 俺は“目が
肛門みたい”と評された
502
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:52,113
世の中って不公平だよな
503
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
もう一度 言うが
これは全部 冗談だ
504
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
いつか
頭を撃たれないか心配だよ
505
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,916
アリアナファンの小学生に
506
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:08,379
そして その子が俺に
“打ち切り”とつぶやく
507
00:34:08,463 --> 00:34:10,465
俺が最も嫌いな言葉さ
508
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:18,473
小学生の女の子たちを
敵に回したくない
509
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:24,228
とにかく アリアナは
影響力の強い女性だ
510
00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:27,065
それに彼女は とても賢い
511
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:31,027
アリアナの影響力は
スタバにまで及んでる
512
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:35,948
ある日 コーヒーの
Ｌサイズ(グランデグランデ)を頼むと 店員が…
513
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,583
俺はドーナツ店に行ったよ
514
00:34:47,126 --> 00:34:49,754
最近 店舗が減ってて悲しい
515
00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:54,217
彼女との破局について
よく聞かれる
516
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:56,594
別に大したことないのに―
517
00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:59,931
マスコミに
大きく取り上げられた
518
00:35:00,014 --> 00:35:04,352
交際する前は
想像もできなかったことだが
519
00:35:04,435 --> 00:35:06,938
実際に騒がれて焦ったね
520
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:10,316
皮膚科に行くべきだったと
後悔したよ
521
00:35:10,399 --> 00:35:13,820
それほど顔写真を
マスコミに使われた
522
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,447
でも 普通の破局と同じさ
523
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:19,117
親友たちが慰めてくれた
524
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:21,077
“彼女は無名だぞ”
525
00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:25,915
“別れて正解さ
そのほうが幸せになれる”
526
00:35:25,998 --> 00:35:28,376
そして あの曲が発表された
527
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:32,296
俺の親友たちも
歌詞を大絶賛した
528
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,510
“大ヒットするはずだから
この試練に耐えろよ”
529
00:35:37,593 --> 00:35:40,179
“お前には悪いが
いい曲だ”
530
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:42,223
“本当に ごめん”と
531
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:48,062
俺の祖父も曲に はまった
532
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,568
“ピート
申し訳ないが名曲だぞ”
533
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,655
“聴けば聴くほど
はまってしまう”
534
00:35:57,738 --> 00:35:59,198
俺は“もういい！”
535
00:36:01,576 --> 00:36:04,745
多くの人が
勘違いしてるようだ
536
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:08,166
彼女の発言によって
俺が得してるとね
537
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:10,710
アリアナは こう言った
538
00:36:10,793 --> 00:36:14,046
結局
別れることになったが―
539
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,466
俺のチンコは
すごくよかったと
540
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
すごく変な発言だと
思ったが―
541
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,390
周りの反応は
“優しい女性ね”って感じさ
542
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:29,729
男が女に そんなこと
言ったらどうなる？
543
00:36:29,812 --> 00:36:32,940
“破局したが
彼女は名器だった！”
544
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,610
“ビショビショで最高だ！”
545
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:38,237
“名器だったが別れた”
546
00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:46,621
バカげてるぜ
547
00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:50,041
彼女の発言に耐えた
548
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:54,378
なぜ 気に入らなかったと
思う？
549
00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:57,548
事実ではなかったからだ
550
00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:00,927
彼女の手は
とても小さくてね
551
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:05,264
そのせいで
彼女が手にするものは―
552
00:37:05,348 --> 00:37:07,308
何でも大きく見える
553
00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:09,602
よく彼女をからかったよ
554
00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:13,606
“まるで 赤ちゃんの
手みたいだな”とな
555
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
彼女は そういう事情を
知ってるのに―
556
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
俺のチンコをデカいと
称賛したんだ
557
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,036
アリアナの意図は
何だったのか？
558
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:31,749
別れた男を褒めて
株を上げた彼女だが―
559
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:36,295
狙いは
そこじゃなかったはずだ
560
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:39,632
忘れないでくれ
彼女は天才だ
561
00:37:39,715 --> 00:37:41,550
本当に賢い女性だよ
562
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:46,931
今後 俺と交際する女性を
落胆させるために―
563
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,933
あんな発言をした
564
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,437
まさしく天才だ
565
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,815
俺は負け犬だよ
566
00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,192
完敗さ
567
00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:04,198
2018年は
デカチン呼ばわりで―
568
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:05,616
最悪だった
569
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,538
俺にも家族がいるから
あんな記事を書くなよ
570
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:13,374
母さんが気の毒だ
571
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:17,753
最後の話題は
911のテロについてだ
572
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
みんな 楽しんでくれよ
573
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:23,843
不謹慎だが
冗談を言おうと思う
574
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
俺の父親は
911で亡くなったんだ
575
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
“知らない人も
いるだろうから―”
576
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,562
“まず それを説明しろ”と
スタッフに言われた
577
00:38:34,645 --> 00:38:36,314
でも 失敗だったな
578
00:38:36,397 --> 00:38:39,400
おかげで
何だか気まずくなった
579
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,571
参ったよ
言わなきゃよかった
580
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,492
つまり
消防士だった父さんは―
581
00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:51,245
国のために亡くなった
582
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
そうなると
遺族は国から金をもらう
583
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,918
決して大金とは
言えないが―
584
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:01,297
ある程度の額をもらった
585
00:39:01,380 --> 00:39:04,550
母さんは
俺と妹を励ますために―
586
00:39:04,633 --> 00:39:07,845
その金でプールを
作ろうと考えた
587
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,974
家が子供たちで
にぎやかになり―
588
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,562
俺と妹に友達が増えると
思ったのさ
589
00:39:17,313 --> 00:39:19,440
かなり暗い夢だよな
590
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:22,985
“死のプール”で
泳ぐ子供たち
591
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,114
飛び込み(キャノンボール)も
悪い連想をさせる
592
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:28,741
つまり“砲弾(キャノンボール)”さ
593
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:41,003
毎日 泳いでると
いろいろ想像してしまい…
594
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:45,257
母さんが
プールを作ってくれて―
595
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:49,345
当時 ７歳だった俺は
友達に羨ましがられた
596
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:52,556
みんな 幼すぎて
事情を知らない
597
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,643
“家にプールがあって
いいな”
598
00:39:55,810 --> 00:39:59,438
“君のうちは
お金持ちなんだね”
599
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:02,400
俺は“そうだよ
プールは最高だ”
600
00:40:02,483 --> 00:40:04,735
“涙で いっぱいにして―”
601
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,781
“悲しみの中で
泳ぐことができる”
602
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:11,951
“ビンラディンに
感謝してるよ”
603
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:14,120
“おかげでプールができた！”
604
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,998
“ごめん 今日は帰って”
605
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:23,003
今のは絶対に削除しないぞ
606
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:28,426
2019年の夏には
映画の撮影があった
607
00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:31,804
父に関する物語が
映画になるから―
608
00:40:31,887 --> 00:40:35,933
撮影前にリサーチとして
父の友人に会ったりした
609
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:39,854
俺も父も父の友人も
スタテン島出身だ
610
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,814
つまり みんなクズさ
611
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
俺たちは“ゴミの人間”だよ
612
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
スタテン島には世界的に
大きなゴミ捨て場があった
613
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,616
宇宙から見えるほどデカい
614
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:57,329
タクシーの運転手が乗客に
島の名所として挙げるのも
615
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,457
ゴミ捨て場だったよ
616
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:02,334
美しい場所ではなくてね
617
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:08,174
そのゴミ捨て場は
どうなったと思う？
618
00:41:08,257 --> 00:41:10,426
今では公園ができた
619
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:14,805
ゴミを取り出して
公園を作ったのではなく
620
00:41:14,889 --> 00:41:18,642
ゴミの山の上に
公園を作ったんだ
621
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,812
10年たって
地面が剥がれたら―
622
00:41:21,896 --> 00:41:24,815
子供たちが
ゴミの中に落ちるかも
623
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,656
島の住人たちを
どんな人だと思う？
624
00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:34,617
いい例え話があるよ
625
00:41:34,700 --> 00:41:38,204
タバコの吸い殻を
湯船に捨てると―
626
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:41,081
吸い殻が生命を宿すだろ？
627
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:48,380
スタテン島の人たちは
そんな感じだ
628
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:54,178
父の友人たちと会って
話した
629
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,099
７歳の頃に聞いた
父についての話と―
630
00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:03,062
今回 聞いた話は
全然 違ってたね
631
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:06,982
まるで
別人の話のように聞こえた
632
00:42:07,107 --> 00:42:11,195
俺が幼い頃 彼らは
よくこう言ったもんだ
633
00:42:11,278 --> 00:42:16,033
“君のお父さんは立派な人で
バスケが上手だったよ”
634
00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:21,080
“宿題も忘れずにやったし
ご飯も残さず食べた”
635
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:29,630
“君も お父さんみたいに
全部 食え！”
636
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:33,342
なんでだ？
大人になって分かったよ
637
00:42:33,425 --> 00:42:36,470
子供にとって
完食が難しい訳がね
638
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:39,306
大人は
大人と同じ量の食べ物を
639
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
子供の皿によそう
640
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:43,978
体の大きさが
全然 違うのにだ
641
00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:47,982
“食え！”と叫ばれたら
子供は ただ太るだけだ
642
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,944
“アフリカには
飢えてる子がいるわ”
643
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,614
これが
母さんの決まり文句だった
644
00:42:55,698 --> 00:42:58,200
いくら
アフリカの子供でも―
645
00:42:58,284 --> 00:43:01,412
大人と同じ量は
食えないはずだ
646
00:43:04,331 --> 00:43:07,501
君たちの半分は
笑ってるが―
647
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
あとの半分は
不謹慎だと思ってる？
648
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,633
ツイッターに
判断を任せよう
649
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,345
あれは“天国の門”だよ
650
00:43:19,805 --> 00:43:22,016
俺たちの運命を決める
651
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:25,894
父の友達に会って
こう頼んだ
652
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:29,565
“父さんについて
何か聞かせてほしい”
653
00:43:29,648 --> 00:43:34,236
すると彼が
“一緒にコカインをやった”
654
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:37,323
俺は“何だって？”
655
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,827
彼は“ごめんよ
黙ってるべきだったか？”と
656
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:46,081
“いいや 驚いただけさ”と
俺は言った
657
00:43:46,165 --> 00:43:49,752
“幼い頃は
バスケが上手で―”
658
00:43:49,835 --> 00:43:52,796
“食事を完食する人だと
聞いてた”と
659
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,384
きっと
コカインも完食しただろうな
660
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:02,973
俺が あまりに
驚いてると―
661
00:44:03,057 --> 00:44:07,519
彼が“驚かせてごめんよ
落胆したか？”と
662
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,481
俺は“いいや 感激したよ”
663
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:15,611
“父さんが本物の英雄だと
知ることができてね”と
664
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:20,366
コカイン好きの消防士なんて
超クールじゃないか
665
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,576
心から誇りに思う
666
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:24,411
想像してみろ
667
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:28,290
自分の家が火事になり
消防車が到着する
668
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:32,127
消防士が１人 降りて
“消火栓は任せろ”と
669
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
もう１人が
“俺は市民を守る”
670
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,427
最後に父さんが“行くぞ！
ヘルメットは不要だ！”
671
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:43,889
今日はありがとう おやすみ
672
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,474
また会おう
673
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:48,060
じゃあな
674
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
ライブは終わったけど
聞いてほしい
675
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
面白い話だぞ
676
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,412
これも父さんの
友達から聞いた話だ
677
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:53,751
彼に直接 会って
“父さんの話を”と頼んだ
678
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:57,129
“コカインの件以外に
何かある？”とね
679
00:45:57,212 --> 00:46:00,424
すると彼が
”もう１つあるぞ”と
680
00:46:00,799 --> 00:46:04,511
そして こう続けた
“ある日のことだ”
681
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
彼の口調は芝居がかってる
682
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,392
俺の空想上の人物じゃないぞ
683
00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:14,730
“ある日 君の父親と
ポコノ山脈に行った”
684
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:18,817
ポコノ山脈は
貧乏人のためのリゾート地だ
685
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:22,488
夫婦が結婚生活を
立て直すために―
686
00:46:22,571 --> 00:46:26,116
安宿に泊まって
ハート型の湯船でファック
687
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:29,661
硬貨を入れると
ベッドが揺れるんだ
688
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
“我々は結婚式に
出席するために―”
689
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:38,253
“ポコノ山脈に行った”
690
00:46:38,337 --> 00:46:43,091
“披露宴を楽しんだよ
飲んだり踊ったりしてね”
691
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:47,471
彼は泥酔したことを
自慢してるかのように話した
692
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:50,557
“ベロベロで
本当に楽しかった”と
693
00:46:51,266 --> 00:46:54,645
“披露宴が終わると
部屋に戻るだろ？”
694
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
“君の父親とは
相部屋だった”
695
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:01,860
“でも 私は女と
ファックしたかったんだぞ”
696
00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:06,114
“したかったんだぞ”と
言われて 戸惑ったよ
697
00:47:06,198 --> 00:47:08,534
俺には初耳の話だしな
698
00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:12,371
意外な展開に驚きながら
続きを聞いた
699
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:15,833
“私は女と
ファックしたかったんだぞ”
700
00:47:15,916 --> 00:47:19,503
“だから披露宴会場で
君の父親を捜した”
701
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,966
“でも 彼は
どこにもいないんだ”
702
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:27,886
役者みたいな語り口だった
703
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
“彼も どこかで
ファックしてると思った”
704
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
“それで 私は女を連れて
部屋に戻ったんだ”
705
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
“そして ガンガン
ヤッたね”
706
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:43,735
“あらゆる体位で
ファックしたよ”
707
00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:46,738
“風呂場でもヤッたし…”
708
00:47:46,822 --> 00:47:51,618
俺は“父さんは いつ
登場する？”と聞いた
709
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:56,498
“セックスの思い出話にしか
聞こえないけど”
710
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:00,210
すると
彼が“もう少し待てよ”
711
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:03,755
“私も男だったと
知ってほしいんだ”と
712
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:09,094
“我々はファックして
２人ともイッた”
713
00:48:09,177 --> 00:48:12,556
“もちろん
彼女は初体験だったよ”
714
00:48:12,806 --> 00:48:16,852
“疲れ果てた我々は
体液の上で横になってた”
715
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,564
“すると 部屋の奥で―”
716
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:24,693
“タバコの火のような
ものが見えたんだ”
717
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:28,572
“明かりをつけると
君の父親だった”
718
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
“彼は私に言ったよ”
719
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:34,411
“タダで見せてくれて
ありがとうと”
720
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,498
“本当にいい奴だった”
721
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
“すばらしい話だろ？”
722
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:47,633
俺は“ひどい話だよ
他に誰に話した？”と
723
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
“その女性は
まだ生きてるのか？”
724
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,931
“口止め料を払わないと”
725
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,392
今日は どうもありがとう
726
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
日本語字幕 大城 哲郎
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
제가 SNL에서 일을 시작한 해에
루이 CK가 절 해고하려고 했거든요
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
이건 그 얘기예요
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
2014년인가 2015년의
SNL 마지막 에피소드였는데
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
잘리지 않았단 사실이
너무나 충격적이고 기뻤죠
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
전 이 느낌을 매주
다시 체험하며 산답니다
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,529
정말 끝내줘요
지금도 안 믿어져요, 웃기죠
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
그래서 자축하고 있었어요
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
루이 CK가 호스트를 맡았는데
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
당시에 루이 CK는
존경받는 코미디언이었거든요
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
당시에는요, 네
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
당시엔 그 사람한테
다들 인정받고 싶어 했어요
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
당시에는요
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,011
당시엔 그의 친절이
아주 큰 의미가 있었죠
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
아무튼 루이가 호스트라길래
전 완전 신나서
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
대마초를 한 대 피웠어요
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
분장실에서요
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
그리고 승강기를 타러 나가는데
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
루이 CK가 대화의 중심이 되어
19
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
출연진과 작가진한테
이야기를 하고 있더군요
20
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,404
멋진 사람들한테요
21
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,282
다들 이야기에 푹 빠져 있었어요
22
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
전 거기 끼고 싶지 않았죠
23
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
약 기운에 헛소리해서
분위기 망칠까 싶어서요
24
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
아예 루이가
제 존재를 몰랐으면 했어요
25
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
그래서 후드를 쓰고
끝까지 단단히 조인 후
26
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
승강기 반대편 구석으로 갔어요
27
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
대화를 방해하지 않게요
28
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
그리고 버튼을 누르고 기다리는데
29
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
갑자기 루이 CK가 말을 멈추고
30
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
절 가리키며 이러는 거예요
31
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
'피트 저 등신이
취해서 지랄하는 것 좀 봐'
32
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
'직장에서 약이나 빠는 등신 새끼'
33
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
'대마초랑 같이
커리어도 다 태워버리겠네'
34
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
전 너무 취해 이랬죠
'이건 다 내 상상이야'
35
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
'이게 현실일 리 없어'
36
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
'아니야'
37
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
'내 마음의 문제인 게 확실해'
38
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,039
'그냥 잘 가라고 인사했겠지'
39
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
'내가 멋대로 상상을...'
40
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
그러고 나서 다음 날 출근했더니
론 마이클 사무실에서 전화가 왔죠
41
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
무척 걱정됐어요
1년간 거기서 일했지만
42
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
연락 온 적은
그날이 처음이었거든요
43
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
그래서 불안한 맘으로
전화를 받았더니 이러더군요
44
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
'방금 루이가 론한테 다녀갔는데
자네 이야기를 하러 들른 거였어'
45
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:29,399
'론이 자네와 얘기하고 싶대'
46
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,568
망했다 싶었죠, '젠장, 알았어요'
47
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
전 제가 잘릴 줄 알았어요
48
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
그래서 어떻게든
기운을 북돋워보려고 했죠
49
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
이런 식으로요
50
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
'알 게 뭐야
멍청한 짓 한 건 그놈들이지'
51
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
'고용했다가 해고하면
두 번 실수하는 거잖아'
52
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,791
'등신들, 눈에 안 띄게
한동안 가만히 있으면'
53
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,669
'아무도 눈치 못 챌 텐데
누가 그딴 걸 신경 쓴다고'
54
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
이렇게 자신을 위로하며
론의 사무실로 들어갔어요
55
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
문을 열었더니
론이 거기 앉아 있더군요
56
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,389
아주 혼란스러운 표정으로요
57
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
제 표정 같았죠
전 원래 그렇게 생겼거든요
58
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
누가 나눗셈을 시킨 것 같은
이 표정이 제 원래 표정이에요
59
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
아무튼 혼란스러운 표정으로
론은 제게 앉으라고 말했어요
60
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
앉으니까 이러더군요, '저기...'
61
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
'루이가 와서 그러던데
자네가 대마초를 피운다더군'
62
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
전 이랬죠, '네'
63
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
'들으신 소문은 사실입니다'
64
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
론의 눈을 보니
기가 죽은 것 같더군요
65
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
뭐라고 해야 할지 모르겠다는
눈빛이었죠, 이러는 것 같았어요
66
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
'이런 얘기를 해야 해서 미안하네'
67
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
'루이가 자네 얘기를 하며
대화해보라고 해서 불렀는데'
68
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
'난 개인적으로
이게 별일이 아닌 것 같거든'
69
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,028
'예전엔 여기서 코카인도 했고
사실 난 자네가 찐따라고 생각해'
70
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
'아무튼 이런 자리를
갖게 돼서 정말 미안해'
71
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
전 론의 눈빛을 읽었고
저도 눈빛으로 이렇게 말했죠
72
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
'물론이죠, 친구', 그래서...
73
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:08,915
잠시 어색한 침묵이 흐른 후
74
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:14,712
론이 말했어요
'그래, 뭐, 이러는 게 어떨까'
75
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
'루이 말로는
자네가 대마초를 많이 피운다니까'
76
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
'양을 봐 가면서 피워봐'
77
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,306
'알았어요, 봐 가면서 하죠'
78
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:28,893
'절대 눈을 떼지 않으면서요'
79
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,521
'걱정 마세요
전 약속 지키는 사람입니다'
80
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
그러니까 론이 이래요, '그래'
81
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
'이런 얘기를 해서 정말 미안하네'
82
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
'그런데 루이가 찾아와서'
83
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
'자네가 대마초랑 같이
커리어도 태우고 있다며'
84
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
'근무 중에도
대마초를 너무 많이 피워서'
85
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,118
'불편하다고 했거든'
86
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,454
전 이랬죠, '이런, 정말요?'
87
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,664
'그래'
88
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
'그럼 전 해고당하는 건가요?'
89
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
'아니'
90
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
'왜요?'
91
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,380
'글쎄'
92
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
다시 말하지만
1년 만에 한 대화였어요
93
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,471
'올해가 끝인가요?'
94
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
'글쎄, 아직은 아니야
생각해봐야지, 모르겠어'
95
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,691
전 완전 멘붕이었죠
그 얘기를 듣고 나오면서요
96
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:19,736
'루이 CK가 날 싫어한다고?'
97
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
그 사람은 역대 최고의
코미디언 중 하나로 꼽혔잖아요
98
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,867
특히 당시에는요, 당시엔...
99
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
전 죽을 것 같았죠
스탠드업을 할 이유가 없어졌어요
100
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
가장 인정받길 원했던
그 사람이 날 싫어한다잖아요
101
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
'대마초 좀 피웠다고
날 싫어한단 말이야?'
102
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
'엿 같네'
103
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
5년 동안 그런 찝찝함을
맘에 간직하고 살아야 했죠
104
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
그런데 어느 멋진 아침...
105
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
일어나 보니
106
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
루이 CK가 여자들 앞에서
자위를 했단 기사가 나와 있었죠
107
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
'좋았어!'
108
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
무슨 말인지 아시죠?
그런 일을 바라진 않았지만
109
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
어차피 일어날 일이었다면
그게 루이라 기뻤어요, 이해돼요?
110
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
좋아요
111
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
아뇨, 그냥...
112
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
혼자 자위하는 게
얼마나 이상한지 얘기해보죠
113
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
혼자 방에서 하는 거요
114
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
해도 괜찮죠?
115
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
혼자 자위하는 건 졸라 이상해요
116
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
자위하는 데
너무 오래 걸린 적 있어요?
117
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,429
자신한테도 만족을 못 준다고
118
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
자책하게 돼요
'이런 쓸모없는 새끼'
119
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,017
'너도 너랑 못 하는데'
120
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,396
'누가 너랑 하고 싶겠냐?'
121
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
그리고 우연히
거울 속의 자신을 보게 되죠
122
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,901
저도 바보라 그런 적 있어요
123
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:45,238
이젠 안 그래요
자위할 땐 불을 다 꺼놓죠
124
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
네, 정말요
125
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:48,991
폰도 뒤집어놔요
126
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:51,536
문자 같은 게 왔을 때
그 빛이 거울에 비쳐서
127
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,038
자위하는 자신을
보게 될 수도 있으니까요
128
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,289
엄마 문자라고 해봐요
129
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,460
엄마 문자 받고
자위해본 적 있으세요?
130
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,045
거의 불가능하거든요
131
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
불가능까진 아니라도
진짜 거의 불가능하다고요
132
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,633
제가 한 일 중
가장 힘든 일이었어요
133
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,265
하여튼 그런 일들을
듣게 돼서 참 속상해요
134
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:13,933
그 여자들이 너무 안됐어요
135
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:16,018
그 사람 자위를
봐야 했던 사람들요
136
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,397
너무 슬프잖아요
큰 상처를 받았으니까요
137
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,274
그 여자들이 이걸 알았더라면...
138
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:24,110
루이가 물건을 꺼내
흔들기 시작했을 때 말이에요
139
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
그때 대마초에 불을 붙였어야죠
140
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
'젠장, 그거 대마초야?
뭐 이런 짐승이 다 있어?'
141
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
'다 이를 거야, 쓰레기, 씨발'
142
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
'대마초랑 같이
커리어도 다 태워버리겠네'
143
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
제가 금전적으로 돕는 친구한테
아이가 생겼어요
144
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,054
그러니까 전 아빠죠
145
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
사실 준비가 안 됐었는데
146
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,269
전화가 왔어요
147
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:00,813
잔뜩 신나서 이러더군요
'야, 좋은 소식 있다'
148
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
'취직했어?'
149
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
'아니, 인마, 나 아빠 됐어'
150
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
전 이랬죠
'그거참, 취직이랑 정반대네'
151
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
어서 아빠가 되면 좋겠어요
정말 기대돼요
152
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,120
전혀 안 힘들 것 같아요
153
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:18,247
제 친구들도 다 자식이 있는데
154
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
불평을 들어보면
진짜 대수롭지 않더라고요
155
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:23,711
다들 똑같은 얘기예요
156
00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:26,005
이런 식이죠, '애가 울어'
157
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
그럼 전 이러죠, '딴 방 가 있어'
158
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,013
안 우는 게 어디 있다고요?
159
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:35,723
달래보다가 안 되면 떠나야죠
160
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,808
저도 맨날 우는데
제 친구들도 결국 이러던데요
161
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,727
'야, 나 이제 출근해야 하거든'
162
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,395
'알아서 잘해봐, 인터넷 끊고'
163
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
아기가 운다는 것 말고
164
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
또 다른 불평은 이거예요
165
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:50,613
'얘는 종일 똥 싸'
166
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,365
그것도 별문제 아닌 것 같아요
167
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,408
저도 그러거든요
168
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
제 거보단 작으니까
치우는 것도 별일 아니죠
169
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
게다가 애들을 씻기다 보면
그동안 씻을 생각도 못 했던
170
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
신체의 특정 부분을
알게 된단 장점도 있죠
171
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
'그러고 보니 내 항문을
이 각도에서 본 적이 없군'
172
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
'샤워실에서 나가면
저쪽을 한 번 닦아봐야겠어'
173
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
그리고 나와서 닦아보면...
174
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933
'세상에나'
175
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
전 애 보는 게 좋아요
176
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,777
버섯을 살짝 해서
아기 말을 쓰거든요
177
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
네, 재밌어요
아기들도 말을 한다고요
178
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
전엔 제 조카가 이랬죠, '드아'
179
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,829
'범죄 다큐 보자고? 알았어'
180
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
그래서...
181
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
버섯은 굉장해요
182
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
롤러코스터 타는 거랑 비슷한데
183
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,547
올라가기만 하고
절대 내려가진 않아요
184
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,633
계속 올라가죠
'우와, 진짜 죽인다!'
185
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
'진짜 끝내줘!
우리가 이걸 하다니, 어떡해!'
186
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
4시간 동안 이러는 거죠
187
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
전에 애를 보다가
이상한 일이 생겼어요
188
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
제 친구 아들이
젖니가 나기 시작했거든요
189
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
그 애랑 같이
범죄 다큐를 보고 있었죠
190
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
전 앉아 있고
애는 이가 아파서 보채다가...
191
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,080
제 손을 잡더니
손가락을 빨기 시작하더군요
192
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,290
능숙하게요
193
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
그러니까...
194
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
손을 빼지 않고 잠깐 놔둘 만큼요
195
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
전 이랬죠
'안 돼! 놀랍지만, 안 돼!'
196
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
이 농담은 호불호가 갈리죠
197
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,774
저도 알아요
여기서 처음 한 것도 아니고요
198
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,445
좀 이상한 농담인 거 아는데
199
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,906
어차피 농담이고
여긴 코미디 클럽이잖아요
200
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,367
이게 동네 회의였다면 이상했겠죠
201
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,871
제가 마이크 잡고 이랬다면요
'여러분, 좋은 생각이 있습니다'
202
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
'알았어요, 그냥 나가 있을게요'
203
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,092
여자들은 남자한테
어떻게 해야 느끼는지 말해야 해요
204
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
처음으로 섹스할 때
간단히 설명해주고 시작하는 거죠
205
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,309
모든 여자는 다르다고들 하잖아요
206
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,603
최소한 전 그렇다고 믿어요
207
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,610
모든 여자는 다르고
그중 하나는 불감증인 거죠
208
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,156
전 그렇게 생각해요
'아니, 넌 고장 난 것 같아'
209
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
아뇨, 진짜
210
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,836
죄송해요, 가끔 여러분이
웃기는 말을 할 때가 있어서요
211
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
아무튼, 여자들은 남자한테
어떻게 해야 느끼는지 말해야 해요
212
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,300
불편할 때도 말이에요
213
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,845
남자가 상처받을까 봐
걱정하겠지만 안 그래요
214
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:05,266
상처 안 받는다고요
한창 하는 도중이라도
215
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
말해도 돼요, '나 이거 싫어'
216
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
'그럼 이건 어때? 좋아?'
우린 이러고 다 까먹는다고요
217
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,942
그냥 말해버리세요
218
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
남자들 원리는 간단하잖아요
219
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
잡아당기면 뭐가 나오고 끝이죠
220
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,701
아주 간단해요
우리 아들도 할 수 있다고요
221
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
하지만 듣자 하니, 여자들을
만족시키는 것도 꽤 간단하더군요
222
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,337
숨이 차고 땀을 흘리고 있다면
223
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,256
잘못한 거라고 들었어요
224
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
하지만 제 지식은
포르노에서 배운 게 다죠
225
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
어렸을 때
엄마랑 여동생이랑 살아서
226
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
그런 얘기를 해본 적이 없거든요
227
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
저녁 식사 때 편하게
이런 얘기를 해본 적이 없죠
228
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
'저기, 엄마, 동생'
229
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
'내가 엄마 아들이나
네 오빠가 아니었다면...'
230
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
그러니까 제 지식은
포르노에서 배운 게 다예요
231
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
거기선 많이 움직이고
소리도 많이 지르고 또...
232
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
물건을 꺼낸 다음
팔굽혀펴기도 하고 그러죠
233
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
그러곤 다시... 죄송해요
234
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
그래서 잘 몰랐는데
한 여자분한테 운 좋게 배웠죠
235
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
여자 성기엔
이 작은 게 달려 있다고요
236
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
동그란 건데
꼭... 그것처럼 생겼어요
237
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767
복싱 연습할 때 쓰는 거 있잖아요
238
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
스피드 백요
239
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,358
천천히 혹은 빠르게
두들기는 그거 말이에요
240
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
여자 성기도
그거랑 비슷하다고 하더군요
241
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,156
그 작은 물건을
아주 가볍게 쳐주거나
242
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
녹아웃 시키거나 하는
두 가지 방법이 있대요
243
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,289
옷을 갈아입을 필요도 없어요
244
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,170
아무튼 남자한테
그냥 말하란 얘기예요
245
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
아까도 말했지만
남자 건 딱 보면 알잖아요
246
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,552
그래도 누가 바지를 벗기고
제 물건을 때리기 시작한다면
247
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,429
전 이러지 않을 거예요
'알아서 눈치채면 좋을 텐데'
248
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,893
'아야'
249
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
'이건 전쟁이야'
250
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:17,857
대신 이러겠죠
'누가 보냈어, 무슨 짓이야?'
251
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
'누가 나 암살하랬어?'
252
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
모든 남자가 정말 싫어하는데도
여자한테 말하길 꺼리는 게 있어요
253
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
왜냐면 본격적인 떡이
시작되기 직전이라서요
254
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
이걸 표현할 말이
별로 많지 않더라고요
255
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
그나마 '떡'이
256
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
가장 적절한 것 같아요
257
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,300
어린이 채널에 방송될 거라서요
258
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:48,345
네, 그래서 제가 지금
정장을 입고 나온 거예요
259
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:52,850
보통은 계란 세례를 받아도
아깝지 않은 옷을 입고 나오죠
260
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
그런데 옷 가게에서
멋진 여성용 정장을 발견해서요
261
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
정말 잘 어울리지 않아요?
262
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,490
마음을 다잡은 이혼한 여자 같죠
263
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,411
'돌아올 생각 마'
264
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,334
'말할 레퍼토리도 생겼으니까'
265
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
아무튼 모든 남자가
싫어하는 걸 얘기해보죠
266
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
여자가 위에 앉아서
고추를 집어넣기 직전에 말이에요
267
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
또 표현이 좀 그런데
믿으실지는 모르겠지만
268
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
제가 시도한
다섯 가지 표현 중에서
269
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
'집어넣다'가 가장
반응이 괜찮았거든요
270
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
나머지 네 개가 얼마나
끔찍했을지 상상해보세요
271
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
이제 좀 낫죠?
272
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,366
아무튼 여자가 위에 앉아서
그걸 쑤셔넣기 직전에 말이에요
273
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
그것 봐요
274
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,287
제 말이 맞죠?
275
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,207
그래서, 여자가 위에 앉아
그걸 집어넣기 직전에 말이에요
276
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
상당수의 여자들이
고추를 문지르며 움직이죠
277
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
집어넣기 직전에요
그러면서 이래요, '어때, 좋아?'
278
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,678
아니, 안 좋아요, 졸라 아파요
279
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:13,097
하지 마요, 부탁인데 그러지 마요
280
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
그냥 바로 집어넣어 주세요
281
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
아파서 죽을 것 같다고요
282
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
진짜 아파요
제모를 하든 안 하든 간에
283
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
다들 거기가 까칠까칠하다고요
284
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
그걸 우리 발가벗은
연약한 고추에 문지르다뇨
285
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
겁나 아프다고요
286
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:30,990
'어때, 좋아?'
287
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
'아니, 인디언번 당해봤어?
그거랑 똑같은 느낌이거든'
288
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,079
엄마가 없을 때
이상한 엄마 친구가
289
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,247
하던 거랑 비슷하다고
290
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,335
부모님 친구 중
꼭 이상한 사람이 있잖아요
291
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,173
다들 위층에 올라가면 이러죠
'얘야, 인디언번 당해본 적 있니?'
292
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
'아뇨'
293
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,761
우린 처음엔 신기해하다가
곧 이러죠, '그만해요, 아저씨!'
294
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
네, 어떤 남자도
그걸 좋아하지 않아요
295
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,235
아주 기분 나빠요, 사포 같다고요
296
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,154
여자들이 눈치채지 못하는 건
297
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
섹스 중엔 고통과 쾌락의 표정이
거의 똑같아서인 듯해요
298
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,201
둘 다 이러니까, 뭐...
299
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,704
하지만 무진장 아파요
300
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,791
그러다 보면 거시기가 쓸려서 트죠
301
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,251
찢어진다고요
302
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:26,837
다음 날 아침에 일어나서 이러죠
303
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
'젠장, 이게 뭐야?'
304
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
'어떻게 된 거지?'
305
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
'24시간 안에 발병하는
새로운 성병에 걸렸나? 뭐야?'
306
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
그러고 병원에 가서
이게 뭐냐고 물어보면
307
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,267
의사가 이러죠
'섹스하는 법 좀 배우셔야겠네요'
308
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,227
'네? 이게 뭔데요?'
309
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,357
스태튼아일랜드 의사는
다른 의사들과 많이 다르죠
310
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
아무튼...
311
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
전 게이 친구가 많아요
312
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
전 게이 친구가 좋아요
더욱 진솔한 관계를 맺을 수 있죠
313
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
동성애자 남자와
이성애자 남자 사이엔
314
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
서로 얻을 게 없잖아요
315
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
완전히 솔직할 수 있죠
316
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
게이들은 세상에서
가장 솔직한 사람들이에요
317
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
못됐긴 하지만...
318
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
정말 솔직해요, 무진장 못됐지만요
319
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
예를 들어보죠
320
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,269
전에 엄마 집을 나와서...
제 집이기도 해요
321
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
엿 먹어요, 해명할 필요 없거든요
322
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,942
이렇게 사는 데
조금도 불만 없어요
323
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:37,991
엄마랑 사는 게 좋아요
324
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,452
전 지하실에 따로 살거든요
325
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
아파트인데...
326
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
위층을 공용 구역으로 정했죠
327
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,381
우린 룸메이트니까요
328
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
아래층 출입구도 따로 있어요
'피트의 출입구'라는...
329
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
표지판도 있죠
330
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,265
네, 진짜예요
331
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
졸라 멋지다고요
사탕도 무한정 먹을 수 있고
332
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
비웃든 말든, 아래층엔
멋진 친구만 들어올 수 있어요
333
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
엄마도 노크해야 해요
334
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
진짜예요
335
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,034
함부로 못 들어와요
늘 노크하고 들어오시죠
336
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,122
여하튼
337
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,710
제가 사귄 모든 여자는
게이 친구가 잔뜩 있더군요
338
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:33,297
하지만 언제나 그중 한 명은
어떻게 봐도 게이가 아니라고요
339
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
네, 여자들은 웃죠
340
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
남자들은 다 이래요
'그래, 카일, 재수 없는 새끼'
341
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
'진짜 재수 없어
말할 순 없지만 입이 근질근질해'
342
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:47,853
누군지 모르겠다면
남자 친구가 이렇게 말한 친구예요
343
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
'저기, 그 카일이란 놈 뭐야?'
344
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,442
'너랑 맨날 같이 놀고 그러던데'
345
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:57,487
여자는 늘 이러죠
'누구? 카일 말이야?'
346
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
'그래, 걔 뭐야?
뭐 하는 자식인데?'
347
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:01,867
'왜 맨날 어울려?'
348
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
그럼 여자는 이러죠
'오버 좀 하지마, 걔 게이야'
349
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
그럼 우린 이래요
'그래? 확인해보긴 했어?'
350
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,128
'세상이 다 아는 사실이야?
걔가 게이란 거 세상이 다 알아?'
351
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:15,505
그럼 모든 여자가 이렇게 말하죠
352
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
'아니, 그래도 다들 알아'
353
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
'아니, 난 모르겠는데'
354
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
'난 모르겠다고
카일, 내가 지켜보고 있다'
355
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,308
집에서 자고 가기도 하잖아요
356
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,352
여자가 싫다면서 왜 안고 있죠?
357
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,229
이상하잖아요
358
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
전 주차 위반 딱지
끌어안고 자지 않거든요
359
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
싫은 건 안 안는다고요
360
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,572
다른 문제긴 해도
제겐 충분한 비유예요
361
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
이해가 안 된다고요
362
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
게이 중엔 이런 부류가 있어요
363
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
전 이들을 '더듬이'라고 부르죠
364
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
지금 게이들한텐
어떤 규칙도 없거든요
365
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,088
뭘 하든 지탄받지 않는다고요
366
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
졸라 미친 상황이죠
367
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,344
모든 권리를 줘야 하지만
너무 많은 권리를 갖고 있다고요
368
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:06,848
진짜예요, 게이들은...
그러니까 더듬이라는 부류는
369
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
우리 여자 친구한테 다가가
370
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
가슴을 움켜쥐거나
엉덩이를 때리며 이러죠
371
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
'어머, 너 오늘 진짜 예쁘다!'
372
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
난 하나도 재미없거든요, 미안해요
373
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
게이다움엔 대찬성이에요
게이다움엔 불만 없다고요
374
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
근데 제가 찌찌를 만지려고
얼마나 노력해야 했는지 알아요?
375
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,581
여자 때문에 놓친
생일 파티가 몇 개고
376
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,333
잃은 친구가 몇 명인데요
377
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
오하이오에서
성탄절을 보내질 않나...
378
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
근데 게이는 자동으로
엉덩이를 때릴 수 있다고요?
379
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,509
졸라 불공평하잖아요
380
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
네, 우리 코앞에서
엉덩이를 때리고 웃죠
381
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
그저 그럴 수 있다는 이유로요
382
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
전 할 수 있다고 해도 안 그래요
383
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
걔 남자 친구한테 가서
거시기를 잡아당기면서
384
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,774
이러지 않아요
'멋져, 게리, 내 취향은 아니지만'
385
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
'왜?'
386
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,285
'난 이성애자잖아'
387
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,045
특정한 사람한테만
특정한 규칙이 적용되는 게
388
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:19,629
전 이해가 안 돼요
389
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
말이 안 되는 것 같아요
390
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
하지만 싸울 순 없죠
머릿속에서 시뮬레이션해봤거든요
391
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
다른 남자분도 해봤겠지만
이 싸움은 이길 수가 없어요
392
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
맨날 진다고요
393
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
여자 친구의 가슴을 움켜쥐고
엉덩이를 때리고 낄낄대고 있는
394
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
그 게이 친구한테 다가가
395
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
이런다고 해봐요
'카일, 무슨 짓거리야?'
396
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
그러자 카일은
커밍아웃을 하기로 결심해요
397
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,489
'참, 나 게이야'
398
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
그럼 끝이죠, 카일이 이겼고요
싸움을 걸어봐야 이렇게 끝나요
399
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
이럴 수밖에 없죠
'미안, 계속해'
400
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,417
'가볍게 치거나
녹아웃 시키라더라'
401
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
너무 이상하잖아요
이 규칙이 적용되는 건
402
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
남성 동성애자랑
여성 이성애자 사이뿐이에요
403
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
다른 관계에선 허용 안 돼요
404
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
남성 이성애자와
여성 동성애자 사이에서도요
405
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184
전 레즈비언한테 다가가서
가슴을 움켜쥐고 이럴 수 없죠
406
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,436
'괜찮아, 우리 둘 다 싫어하잖아'
407
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
전 자주 곤경에 처해요
408
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
여기 오는 길에도
경찰이 차를 세우라고 했죠
409
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
경찰이 차 세우라고 했을 때
빌리 조엘 곡 트는 분 있어요?
410
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
경찰이 그걸 듣고 이럴까 해서요
411
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
'면허증과... 빌리 조엘!
이게 웬일이야, 가요, 친구!'
412
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
'생각보다 괜찮은 사람이네'
413
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
'투 체인즈 같은 거
듣고 있을 줄 알았는데'
414
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
그게 안 통하면 더 어색해요
415
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
앉아서 기다리는데
'면허증과 차량 등록증 좀...'
416
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
'빌 위더스 좀 꺼주실래요?'
417
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
아무튼 전 자주 곤경에 처해요
418
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
작년에도 곤경에 처했죠
농담을 잘못해서요
419
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
한 신사분을
웃음거리로 삼았거든요
420
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
안대를 한 정치인인데
댄 크렌쇼라는 사람이에요
421
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
전 잘못한 게 없다고 생각했죠
422
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
근데 말이 좀 곡해돼서
423
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
그 남자가 유명해지게 된 거예요
424
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
하지만 전...
425
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
어떻게 된 건지
확실히 설명해드릴게요
426
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
전 트위터 계정이 없어서
427
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
무슨 일이 생겼을 때마다
그걸 해명할 방법이 없거든요
428
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
그래서 스페셜을 찍어
해명해야겠다고 생각했어요
429
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
인터넷은 사용 금지니까요
430
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,772
네, 전 인터넷 사용하면
감옥 가거나 할 게 확실해요
431
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
전 그 안대 한 사람을 놀렸고
432
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
그 후에 사과를 강요받았어요
433
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
제 얼굴을 쏴버리겠다고
협박한 사람들도 있었거든요
434
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
그 전화를 받은 건
불행히도 제가 아니라
435
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
제 룸메이트여서...
436
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
졸라 걱정하셨어요
437
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
그래서 제 룸메이트는
제가 사과해야 한다고 했죠
438
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
얼굴에 총을 맞지 않게요
439
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
그래서...
440
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
이렇게 된 거예요, 말했듯이
전 SNL에서 역할이 제한적이죠
441
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
보셨는지 모르겠지만
442
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
아마 못 보셨겠죠
제 출연 분량은 눈곱만큼이거든요
443
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
아무튼 거기 앉아 이러고 있었어요
444
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
'이번엔 네놈한테 또 뭘 시키지?'
445
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,659
'너희는 다 '로스트' 하잖아'
446
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:36,660
'사람 까는 거'
447
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
'네, 그것도 일이죠
저 '로스트' 해요'
448
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
'거기서 하는 것처럼
정치인들을 까면 어떨까?'
449
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
'업데이트 코너 같은 데서'
450
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
'오, 죽이네요
여섯 편은 더 나올 수 있겠어요'
451
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
'까짓거, 좋아요, 할게요'
452
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
'로스트'를 할 때도
'8 마일'과 같은 규칙이 적용돼요
453
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
처음엔 자신을 놀리고
454
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,558
그다음에 모두를 놀리는 거죠
455
00:26:00,517 --> 00:26:04,646
전 사람들 얼굴이 실린
큰 종이를 앞에 놔두고선
456
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
농담을 쓰기 시작했어요
457
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
이 남자는 어쩌고
저 여자는 어쩌고...
458
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
그러다 댄 크렌쇼를 보게 됐죠
459
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
안대를 하고 있잖아요
460
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
보자마자 느꼈죠
'이 아저씨 유머 감각 있네'
461
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
안대를 하고 있으니까요
462
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
눈을 잃었다면
다른 방법이 세 가지는 돼요
463
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
안대 말고도요
못되게 구는 게 아니라 진심이에요
464
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
유리 눈도 있고
유리 눈 위에 안경을 쓸 수도 있고
465
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
선글라스를 쓸 수도 있죠
안대는 최후의 선택지라고요
466
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
그래서 이랬죠, '웃긴 아저씨네'
467
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
'자신을 잘 알고 있어
꽤 유쾌한 아저씨잖아'
468
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
'좋아, 그럼 이걸로
무해한 농담을 써보자'
469
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
그렇게 해서 나온 게 이거죠
470
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
'이 남자는 포르노 속
살인 청부 업자처럼 생겼네요'
471
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
그저 무해한 SNL 농담이잖아요
472
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,323
듣고 넘기는 거요
'하하, 다음 코너로 가주세요'
473
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
방금은 택시 탄 저예요
474
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:02,203
거기서 보니까요
475
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
방금 건 편집해주세요
476
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
문제없어요, 잘라 내요
아무 일 없었다는 듯 돌아가죠
477
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
섹스 얘기로요
아무 일도 없었어요
478
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
꼭 해보고 싶었던 게 있어요
479
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
섹스한 거 축하해요
480
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,354
일시 정지 끄고
계속 봐주셔서 고마워요
481
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
죄송해요
482
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
넷플릭스 볼 때마다
이런 게 나오면 좋겠다 싶었거든요
483
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
그래서, 어땠어요? 좋았어요?
484
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,249
기대만큼이었나요?
그랬기를 바랍니다
485
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
크렌쇼 얘기 중에 정지하다니
진짜 좋았나 봐요
486
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
짐승들 같으니
487
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
'한창 좋거든!', 죄송해요
488
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
아뇨, 괜찮습니다
489
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,021
아무튼 짧은 농담을 하나 썼죠
490
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:14,901
'포르노 속 살인 청부 업자 같다'
이렇게 쓰고는 생각도 안 해봤어요
491
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
그런데 갑자기
492
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,948
제가 무대에 올라가
'업데이트'에 나가기 직전에
493
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
그걸 쓸 때 도와준 친구가 이래요
494
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
'저기, 방금 조사를 좀 해봤는데'
495
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:26,454
'이제야 조사를 해봤다고?'
496
00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:27,414
'그래'
497
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
거기선 늘 공연 직전에 조사해요
498
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
걔가 이랬죠
'댄 크렌쇼란 남자 말이지'
499
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
'전쟁 같은 거에서
눈을 잃은 건지도 몰라'
500
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
제가 '뭐?' 이러는데
'피트, 무대로 나와요'라네요
501
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:41,010
'씨발!', 친구는 이랬죠
502
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:43,221
'괜찮아, 넌 잘할 거야, 걱정 마'
503
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
'방송 나가는 건
네 얼굴이지 내가 아니야'
504
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
전 말에 유념해야겠다고
생각하고 나갔지만, 힘들죠
505
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
언제나 버섯 같은 걸
복용한 상태니까 말이에요
506
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
그래서 말에 유념하는 건
제게 무진장 어려운 일이라고요
507
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
늘 유념하는 게 아니라
갑자기 유념하려고 하니까요
508
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
'야!' 이러면, '어?' 이러잖아요
509
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,873
이걸 이해한 열두 분, 고마워요
510
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
'뭐야, 씨발?'
511
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
말했듯이, 넷플릭스는
아무하고나 스페셜을 찍죠
512
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
또 섹스했다고요?
진짜 굉장하네요, 형씨
513
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
다시 재생해줘서 고마워요
514
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
정말 고마워요
515
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
끝내줬나 봐요
대체 얼마나 좋았길래
516
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
크렌쇼 얘기 중에 또 해요?
517
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
진짜로...
518
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,823
저도 무척 즐거워요
저도 이러는 건 처음 봤거든요
519
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
그래서, 전 무대로 나갔어요
520
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
전쟁에서 눈을 잃었을지도
모른단 얘기를 막 들었으니까
521
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
조심해야 했죠
'젠장, 말에 유념해야 해'
522
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
'농담하고 나서 꼭 사과하자'
523
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:58,797
'공격받기 전에'
524
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
그래서 농담을 하고
실제로 사과까지 했어요
525
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
어떻게 사과했는지도 기억나요
526
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
전 이렇게 말했죠
절대 못 잊을 거예요
527
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
'댄 크렌쇼는 포르노 속
살인 청부 업자처럼 생겼네요'
528
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
그리고 평범한 웃음을 끌어낸 후
529
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
바로 이렇게 말했어요
530
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
'죄송해요, 전쟁인지 뭔지에서
눈을 잃었을지 모른다고 들었어요'
531
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
근데 '인지 뭔지'가 문제였죠
532
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
'넌 미국이 싫어?'
533
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:27,367
그런 게 아니라
정보가 부정확했다고요
534
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:28,952
눈알을 잃은 경위가요
535
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
그게 범죄예요?
536
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
전쟁인지 뭔지에서
눈을 잃었을 수도 있죠
537
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
정확히 모른다고요
아프가니스탄에서 잃었는지
538
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,669
샌드위치 만들다 잃었는지 몰라요
539
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
그 잘난 댄 크렌쇼의
야구 카드가 없어서 죄송해요
540
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,716
스탯과 신상 정보를
확인할 방법이 없었어요
541
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
내 잘못이에요
그건 그냥 관용구였다고요
542
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
말에 유념하려다 보니 그런 거죠
543
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,139
패튼 장군은요?
544
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,183
미국의 위대한 영웅 패튼 장군은
545
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
나치 독일에서 죽었어요
종전 일주일 후 차 사고로요
546
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
하지만 패튼 장군에 관해
얘기할 땐 다들 이러잖아요
547
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
'패튼 장군은
전쟁인지 뭔지에서 죽었어'
548
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
그게 이러는 것보다 간단하니까요
549
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
'그 사람 전쟁에서 이겼는데
그 후에 핸들을 잘못 꺾어서...'
550
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
모호함을 표현한 거지
미국이 싫어서 그런 게 아니에요
551
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
그 일 때문에 들은 말 중
유일하게 맘에 안 드는 건
552
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
'너 때문에 그 사람이 이겼어'인데
사실이 아니죠
553
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
어차피 투표는 거의 다 끝났었고
554
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
그 남자는 텍사스의
안대 한 공화당 후보였잖아요
555
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,180
그 일이 있기 전에도
당선은 정해져 있었어요
556
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
그 말부터 할 걸 그랬네요
557
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
제 생각에 텍사스에선
사진만 보고 투표할 거예요
558
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
그게 그들 방식이죠
559
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
제가 크렌쇼를
당선되게 만든 게 아니에요
560
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
그건 미국 잘못이죠
561
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,365
저랑 무관하다고요
562
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
전 크렌쇼한테
아무것도 안 해줬어요
563
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,248
제가 해준 게 있다면...
이것만큼은 정말 죄송한데
564
00:31:57,332 --> 00:31:59,208
그 사람을 유명하게 만들었단 거죠
565
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:01,252
별 이유 없이
모두가 알게 만들었어요
566
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
아리아나 그란데가
저한테 한 일과 같죠
567
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
네, 맞아요
568
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
SNL에서 그 남자 물건을
빨아준 거죠
569
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
이 얘기는 안 하려 했는데
어느 날 친구가 이러더라고요
570
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
'아리아나가 네가 누군지
전혀 몰랐다고 말했다더라'
571
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
'넌 그냥 심심풀이였다던데'
572
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
이렇게 됐으니
농담 좀 해도 공평하겠다 싶어요
573
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
그러니까...
574
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
박수 보내지 마세요
575
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
'드레이크 대 릴 웨인'
콘서트 같은 게 아니에요
576
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
이건 경쟁이 아니라고요
577
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
아리아나한텐 노래가 있고
저한테 있는 건 이거니까요
578
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:41,292
뭐, 그런 거죠, 아시겠어요?
579
00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:42,627
그래서...
580
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
누구는 이러죠, '이건 불공평해
사생활을 그리 까발리면 안 되지'
581
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
'어떻게 그럴 수 있어?
아리아나가 언제 그랬어?'
582
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
'집에서 조용히
친구들한테 말했어?'
583
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
아뇨, '보그' 잡지
표지 기사에서 말했죠
584
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
제가 그랬다고 상상해봐요
585
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
제 커리어는 하룻밤에 끝날걸요
586
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
몸에 스프레이 태닝을 하고
587
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
'보그' 표지에 나와서
588
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
전 여친 욕을 했다면
어떤 반응이 나왔겠어요?
589
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
아뇨, 박수 치지 마요
'드레이크 대 릴 웨인' 때나 쳐요
590
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,329
싫어요, 그냥 웃기나 하세요
591
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,455
이건 그냥 농담이니까
592
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
제가 그랬다고 상상해보세요
593
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,293
'심심해서 떡 좀 친 것뿐인데'
594
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
''포트나이트'가 나왔어'
얼마나 욕을 먹었겠어요
595
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,635
이러는 분도 있죠
'아리아나라고 아무렇지 않겠어?'
596
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,554
'뭔가 후유증이 있었겠지'
597
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
아뇨, 아리아나는
빌보드 여성 아티스트 상을 받았죠
598
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
전 연예 블로그에서
'똥구멍 눈'으로 불렸고요
599
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
인생이 이렇게 불공평해요
600
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
다시 말하지만 이건 농담이에요
싸우자는 게 아니에요
601
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
저의 가장 큰 공포는
포니테일 한 9살짜리한테
602
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
뒤통수에 총을 맞는 거거든요
603
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
죽기 직전 듣는 말이
'#넌_삭제야'가 되는 거죠
604
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
그러고 뒤통수가 터지는 거예요
605
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
전 9살짜리랑 싸우기 싫어요
606
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
아뇨, 아리아나는
정말 강력한 여성이죠
607
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
아주 강력하고 아주 영리해요
608
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
제가 스타벅스도 맘 편히
못 가게 만들어놨으니까요
609
00:34:31,611 --> 00:34:33,321
전에 스타벅스에서 주문하는데
610
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
'미디엄' 사이즈를 달라니까
점원이 이러고 쳐다보더군요
611
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
전 이랬죠
'엿 먹어요, 던킨도너츠 갈 거야'
612
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
'예전엔 많았는데
다 어디 간 거지?'
613
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
사람들이 늘 물어요
헤어지고 나서 어땠느냐고요
614
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
다른 이별과 같아요
온 세상에 공개됐단 것만 빼면요
615
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:03,267
네, 그냥... 사귀기 전엔
그게 어떤 의미인지 몰랐어요
616
00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:06,145
어느 정도는 알았지만
그렇게 사진이 찍힐진 몰랐죠
617
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
알았다면 사귀기 전에
피부과라도 다녀왔을 거예요
618
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,527
적절한 사전 준비를
했을 거라고요, 하지만...
619
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,696
다른 이별과 같아요
친구들이 위로하러 와서
620
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,948
거짓말을 늘어놓죠
621
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,451
'야, 별일 아냐
그 여자가 누군지 아무도 몰라'
622
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
'괜찮아질 거야
이편이 나야, 별일 아니야'
623
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
그러다 그 노래가 나오니까
624
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
친구들이 이래요
'친구, 사랑하는 거 알지'
625
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
'근데 노래 좋더라'
626
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
'귀에 착착 감겨
8개월쯤 고생 좀 하겠다'
627
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
'미안한데 노래가 좋더라고'
628
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
'난 네가 좋지만...'
629
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
우리 할아버지도 이러셨죠
'히트송이네'
630
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
'피터, 이건 히트송이야
안됐구나'
631
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
'좋은 곡이더라
이런 거 원래 안 듣는데'
632
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
'알았다고요!'
633
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
그 사태로 얻은 것 중
맘에 안 드는 게 하나 있는데
634
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
널리 퍼진 오해예요
635
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
전 아리아나가
제 고추 얘기를 한 게 싫어요
636
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,713
정말 이상하다고 생각했죠
637
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
이랬잖아요
'잘 안 됐지만 고추는 훌륭했어요'
638
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
진짜 이상했어요
다들 이랬단 말이에요
639
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,015
'정말 착한 여자네'
640
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,477
일단, 각도를 좀 바꿔 봅시다
제가 저런 말을 했다고 상상해봐요
641
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,607
'잘 안 돼서 안타깝지만
그래도 훌륭한 보지였어요!'
642
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
'완전 촉촉했죠!'
643
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,653
'좋은 보지였는데 유감이에요'
644
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
말도 안 되잖아요
645
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
황당해 죽겠더라고요
646
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
그게 제가 얻은 유일한 건데
647
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
전 그게 싫었어요
사실이 아니거든요
648
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
그 여자 손이 얼마나 작은데요
649
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
진짜 아기 손 같다고요
650
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,681
거기에 비하면 뭐든 커 보이죠
651
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
사귀는 내내
웃겨 죽는 줄 알았어요
652
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
'너한텐 거대하네
다른 사람한텐 작지만, 끝내줘!'
653
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
그런 거죠
654
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
그럼 한번 생각해보세요
아리아나도 그걸 잘 알 텐데
655
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
왜 사람들한테
제 성기가 크다고 했을까요?
656
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
왜 그랬을까요?
남한테 잘 보이기 위해서요?
657
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
'정말 착한 여자네
잘 안 풀렸는데도 칭찬해줬잖아'
658
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,669
'훌륭한 성기를 가졌다고'
659
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,920
그래서가 아니에요
660
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
아리아나가 그런 이유는...
661
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
그 여자는 천재예요
그 점을 잊어선 안 돼요
662
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
아리아나가 그런 건
제가 평생 만날 모든 여자들한테
663
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
실망을 주기 위해서예요
664
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
천재라니까요
665
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
평생 가는 루저 딱지죠
666
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
생각해봐요
667
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,781
전 '대물의 여름'을
즐기지도 못했다고요
668
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
뭐라고 처부르든 간에요
669
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
제발 멈춰주세요
제 가족이 읽는다고요, 그만해요
670
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
우리 불쌍한 엄마
671
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
이제 9.11 농담 하나 하고
여기서 꺼지도록 하겠습니다
672
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
어때요? 좋아요
673
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
9.11에 환호해도 넘어드릴게요
674
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
우리 아빠는 9.11 때 돌아가셨어요
675
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
이 농담을 하기 전에
이것부터 설명하라고 하더군요
676
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
모르는 사람도 있으니까요
하지만 전 이렇게 반박했죠
677
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:36,063
'말하지 않는 게 나아요'
678
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
'그럼 쇼가 중지되고
분위기가 어색해지니까요'
679
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
이것 봐요, 제가 옳았죠
680
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
아빠는 정부인가 뭔가를 위해
일하다가 돌아가셨기 때문에...
681
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
소방관이었대요
뭐, 뭐였든 간에요
682
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
그런 경우에
가족이 돈을 좀 받곤 해요
683
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
많이는 아니고 조금요
684
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,339
우리도 돈을 좀 받았고
685
00:39:01,422 --> 00:39:03,299
엄마는 저랑 동생을 위로하려고
686
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
그 돈으로 수영장을
만들고 싶어 하셨어요
687
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
수영장이 생기면
우리 인기가 좋아지고
688
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
친구가 많이 생겨서
수영하러 오고 할 테니까요
689
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
어두운 얘기죠
690
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,776
죽음의 수영장에서 수영하기
691
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
네, 좋은 생각이지만
692
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
'캐논볼'을 할 때마다
어두운 생각이 떠오르잖아요
693
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
매일 수영하며, '이게 공평한가?'
아니죠
694
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,882
아뇨, 엄마가 우릴 위해
수영장을 만들어주셨어요
695
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:49,345
그때 전 7살이었는데
그 나이 애들은 잘 모르잖아요
696
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
무슨 일이 일어난 건지를요
697
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
수영장이 생기니까
학교 친구들이 이러더군요
698
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
'야, 이 운 좋은 녀석
부자네, 수영장 지었다며?'
699
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
전 이랬죠
'그래, 운 좋게 수영장이 생겼어'
700
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
'매년 여름마다
내 눈물로 거길 채우지'
701
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
'자기 슬픔 속에 잠겨
헤엄칠 수 있어야 부자니까'
702
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,367
'오사마 빈라덴이
시간을 잘 맞춰 다행이야'
703
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,619
'안 그랬다면
수영장도 좆도 없었을 테니까!'
704
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,415
'미안, 이따 놀러 와'
705
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
편집하지 마세요, 제이슨
뭐라고 말하든 상관없어요
706
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
아무튼 여름에
아빠에 관한 프로를 찍었어요
707
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
찍을 일이 있어서요
708
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
그래서 아버지에 관해
조사를 좀 해야 했거든요
709
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
친구들도 만나보고 그랬죠
710
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
저도 아빠도
스태튼아일랜드 출신이라서
711
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:40,104
아빠 친구들도 저랑 비슷해요
712
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
쓰레기죠
713
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
네, 우린 쓰레기 인간들이에요
714
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
우리 동네엔 말 그대로
세계에서 가장 큰 쓰레기장이 있죠
715
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
우주에서도 보일 정도예요
716
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
택시 기사도
스태튼아일랜드에 진입하며 이래요
717
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,206
'아시는지 모르겠지만
세계 최대 쓰레기장이 여기 있죠'
718
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,375
'저 나무 좀 봐요!' 대신에요
719
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
그렇다면 그 쓰레기장이
어떻게 됐는지 궁금하실 텐데요
720
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
그 위에 공원을 지었어요
721
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
그럼 이러시겠죠
'쓰레기를 다 치웠다고요?'
722
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
아뇨, 쓰레기 위에다
공원을 지어서 덮었어요
723
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
10년 후, 시설이
망가지기 시작하면
724
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
거기서 노는 애들은
98년형 혼다에 찔리겠죠
725
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
하여튼 제가 설명하려는 건
스태튼아일랜드 사람들인데
726
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
좋은 예가 아니네요
727
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
이거랑 비슷해요
말보로 꽁초를 욕조에 던졌는데
728
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
그게 살아났다고 해봐요
729
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
그게...
730
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
그게
731
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
스태튼아일랜드 남자들이에요
732
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
아무튼, 그래서 전
아빠 친구들을 만나러 갔죠
733
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
아빠에 관해 아는 건
제가 7살 때 들은 게 다였어요
734
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
그러니 이번에 들은 얘기는
그 전에 제가 들은 얘기들과는
735
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
완전히 달랐죠
736
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
다른 사람 같았어요
예를 하나 들어볼게요
737
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
제가 어렸을 때
아빠 친구들은 이랬죠
738
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
'네 아빠는 진짜 남자였어'
739
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
'우린 같이
농구도 하고 숙제도 했지'
740
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
'네 아빠는 늘 밥을 다 먹었어'
741
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
'늘 밥을 다 먹었어'
742
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
'다 먹어!'
743
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
왜요?
744
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
생각해봤는데
745
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
7살짜리가 자기 밥을
다 못 먹는 이유가 있어요
746
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
어른들은 우리한테
어른과 같은 양을 주는데
747
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
우린 어른의 3분의 1 크기잖아요
748
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:43,352
3분의 1만 먹으면 배가 부르다고요
749
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,104
'먹어!'라고 외쳐도 소용없어요
750
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
그래 봐야 살만 찌죠, 아시겠어요?
751
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
우리 엄마는 이러셨죠
'아프리카엔 굶는 애들도 있어'
752
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
맨날 그 소리였어요
죄책감을 심어주려고요
753
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,824
전 이랬죠, '그건 그렇지만'
754
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:59,368
'아프리카 애들도
이걸 3분의 1 정도 먹으면'
755
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
'배부르다고 할걸요'
756
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
반응이 맘에 들어요
반은 '웃기네' 이러고
757
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
나머지 반은 이러네요
'말이 좀 심한 거 같은데요'
758
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,174
이따 트위터를 보면
판결을 알 수 있겠죠
759
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,928
요즘은 트위터가 염라대왕이잖아요
760
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,724
모든 이의 미래를 결정하죠
761
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,646
아무튼, 그래서
아빠 친구들을 만나 물어봤죠
762
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:30,441
'아빠에 관한 얘기 좀 해주세요'
763
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
'그 친구 종일 코카인을 해댔지!'
764
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
'뭐라고요?'
765
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
'미안, 말하면 안 되는 얘기였나?'
766
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
'아뇨, 괜찮아요
조금 예상외라서요'
767
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
'어렸을 때 들은 건
농구를 했고 숙제를 했고
768
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
'밥을 다 먹었단
얘기뿐이었거든요'
769
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
'세 번째 얘기는 코카인에
적용해도 될 것 같긴 하지만'
770
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
그러니까 이러더군요
'미안, 말을 아낄 걸 그랬나?'
771
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
'좀 지나친 얘기였어?'
'아뇨, 그냥 아까 말했듯이'
772
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
'전 어렸을 때
아빠가 영웅인 줄 알았거든요'
773
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
'근데 알고 보니
아빠는 슈퍼히어로였군요'
774
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
'세상에서 제일 멋진 남자였네요'
775
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,865
90년대의 상남자죠
약 하고 불 끄고, 전설이잖아요
776
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,076
더 자랑스러워요
777
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
얼마나 웃기던지
정말 멋지지 않아요?
778
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
상상해봐요, 집에 불이 났는데
779
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,166
소방차가 오더니
소방관들이 내려서
780
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,127
'난 소화전을 연결할게'
'난 주변 안전을 확보할게'
781
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
이러고 있는 와중에
우리 아빠가 나와서 이래요
782
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
'좆나게 달려보자!
헬멧은 필요 없어!'
783
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
감사합니다, 여러분
784
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
그럼 즐거운 저녁 보내세요
785
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
와주셔서 고마워요
786
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
고맙습니다
787
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
"피트 데이비드슨 매진"
788
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
얘기할게요, 공연은 끝났지만
하고 싶은 얘기가 더 있어서요
789
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
하고 싶은 얘기가 있어요
790
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
아빠에 관해 들은 또 다른 얘기는
이게 단데요
791
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,874
그러니까, 아빠 친구를 만나서
792
00:45:51,957 --> 00:45:53,751
아빠에 관한 얘기를 해달랬더니
793
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,169
코카인을 많이 했댔어요
794
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:57,129
다른 이야기는 없냐고 하니까
795
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
이러더군요, '하나 더 있어'
796
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,635
'네, 말씀하세요'
'그래, 한번은...'
797
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:06,847
정말 이렇게 말했어요
제가 창조한 캐릭터가 아니에요
798
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
그랬다면 부끄럽겠죠
진짜 이런 식으로 말했어요
799
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
'그래, 한번은 나랑 네 아빠가
포코노스에서 하는 결혼식에 갔어'
800
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
포코노스는
가난한 백인의 바하마예요
801
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
부부간 애정의 불씨를
되살리려고 가는 곳이죠
802
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
하트 모양 욕조에서 섹스하고
803
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
동전을 넣으면
침대가 움직이는 곳이에요
804
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
'우리 인생처럼 흔들리네!'
805
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
그분이 이랬어요
'그래서 포코노스에 갔잖아'
806
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
'결혼식에 갔다고, 맞지?'
807
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
'우린 결혼식에서
즐거운 시간을 보냈어'
808
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
'존나 춤추고
존나 퍼마시고, 맞지?'
809
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
'존나 취했다고'
810
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
전 이랬죠, '멋지네요'
1987년 이야기랍니다
811
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
'좆나게 놀았지
지금도 자랑스러워'
812
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
'나랑 네 아빠는
결혼식에 온 거잖아'
813
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
'그래서 포코노스에서
한방을 썼단 말이야, 맞지?'
814
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
'근데 내가 여자를 만났어
떡을 치고 싶었단 말이야, 맞지?'
815
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
말끝마다 '맞지?'래요
제가 반대라도 할 것처럼요
816
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
'아뇨, 그렇게 된 거 아니거든요'
817
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
'금시초문이에요, 네'
818
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
'그래서 여자랑 떡 치려고
네 아빠를 찾아다녔단 말이야'
819
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
'결혼식장을 다 뒤졌어
'어디 있어, 스콧?' 이러면서'
820
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
진짜 이랬어요
'어디 있냐? 안 보이네'
821
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
절 위해 연기해주셨죠
822
00:47:28,762 --> 00:47:30,889
'아무리 찾아도 없길래'
823
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,808
'네 아빠도 누구랑
떡 치나 보다 했어, 맞지?'
824
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
'그래서 객실로 갔는데
거기에도 없더라고, 맞지?'
825
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
'그래서 난 이 여자랑
곧장 본론에 들어갔어, 맞지?'
826
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
'존나 끝내줬어
별의별 체위로 다 했다니까'
827
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
'여기서 했다 저기서 했다
화장실에 들어가서도 하고'
828
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:49,825
전 이랬죠
'저기, 우리 아빤 언제 나와요?'
829
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:51,785
'지금 이 이야기는'
830
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
'이상할 만큼 구체적인
아저씨의 87년도 떡썰 같은데요'
831
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
'기다려봐, 곧 나와, 내가 찐따가
아니란 걸 알아주면 좋겠단 거지'
832
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
'네, 아니신 거 알아요'
833
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
'아무튼 떡 치고 있는데, 맞지?'
834
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
'여자도 뿅 가고, 나도 뿅 가고'
835
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
'물론 여자부터 갔지
그렇게 마무리하고 나서'
836
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
'누워서 쉬고 있는데...'
837
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
'방구석에 뭐가 보이는 거야'
838
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
'어둠 속에서
담뱃불이 빛나더라고'
839
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
'불을 켜보니 네 아빠였어!'
840
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
'그래서 내가
'스콧, 한참 찾았잖아!'라니까'
841
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
'이러더라고
'좋은 구경시켜줘서 고마워''
842
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
그러곤 이랬죠, '그게 네 아빠야'
843
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
'정말 멋진 이야기 아니냐?'
844
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
'아니거든요!'
845
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
'그 끔찍한 얘기 여기저기
떠들고 다니시는 건 아니죠?'
846
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
'그 여자 살아 있어요?
입막음 조로 돈 좀 줘야겠어요'
847
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
'정말 엿 같은 걸 알아버렸네요'
848
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
여하튼 와주셔서 감사합니다
즐거운 저녁 보내세요, 고마워요
849
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
자막: 이아람
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,384
Louis C.K. prøvde å få meg sparket
fra SNL det første året,
2
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,760
og her er historien.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Det er 2014 eller 15,
og det er SNL-finale,
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
og jeg var så sjokkert og glad
for at jeg ikke ble sparket,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
en følelsen jeg gjenopplever
hver eneste uke.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
Jeg kan fortsatt ikke tro det.
Det var veldig morsomt.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Så jeg feiret, sant?
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
Louis C.K. var vert, og på den tiden
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
var Louis C.K.
en svært respektert komiker.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
På den tiden. Ja.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
På den tiden var han en man så opp til
og søkte bifall fra,
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
på den tiden.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Du ville at han skulle være snill mot deg.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Uansett, han var vert,
og jeg var bare glad,
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
så jeg røykte en joint
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
i garderoben min.
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
Idet jeg gikk for å ta heisen,
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
holdt Louis C.K. hoff
19
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:11,362
og snakket med skuespillerne
og forfatterne og kule folk.
20
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:14,282
De snakket veldig ivrig sammen,
21
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
men jeg var ikke interessert.
22
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Jeg er høy.
Jeg vil ikke ødelegge for noen.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,874
Jeg vil ikke at han skal vite
at jeg eksisterer.
24
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:26,461
Så jeg tok på meg hettegenseren,
strammet hetta,
25
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
og gikk rundt
til den andre siden av heisene
26
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
så jeg ikke ville være i veien.
27
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Jeg trykker på knappen og venter,
28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
og plutselig stopper Louis C.K. samtalen.
29
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Han peker på meg og sier:
30
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
"Se hvor jævla høy Pete er, den idioten.
31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Blir høy på jobb. Din dumme faen.
32
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,774
Du røyker vekk karrieren din. Idiot."
33
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Jeg var så høy at jeg tenkte:
"Det skjedde ikke."
34
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Jeg tenkte: "Nei.
35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Nei da."
36
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
Det var sikkert bare meg.
37
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,290
Han sa sikkert: "Ser deg i morgen."
Jeg var sikkert...
38
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Jeg går på jobb neste dag og får
en telefon fra Lorne Michaels' kontor.
39
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,758
Det var bekymringsverdig,
for jeg har vært der i et år,
40
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
og jeg har aldri hørt fra kontoret hans.
41
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Jeg tenkte: "Faen."
Jeg tok telefonen, og de sa:
42
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"Louis var nettopp på Lornes kontor
for å snakke om deg,
43
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
og nå vil Lorne snakke med deg.
Jeg bare: "Faen. Ja vel.
44
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Nå får jeg sparken."
45
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Så jeg prøvde å hausse meg opp.
46
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Jeg bare:
47
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
"Det er de som vil se dumme ut.
48
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
De ansatte og sparket deg.
To bom."
49
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Han kan bare smyge seg inn i bakgrunnen,
50
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
og ingen vil merke det.
Hvem bryr seg liksom?
51
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Jeg gikk inn på kontoret hans
og prøvde å føle meg bedre,
52
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
og Lorne sitter der, sant?
53
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Han ser veldig forvirret ut,
54
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
jeg óg, for det er bare slik jeg ser ut.
55
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,063
Jeg ser ut som om
du nettopp spurte meg om å dele.
56
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:18,198
Uansett, han ser forvirret ut,
og sier: "Sitt ned."
57
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:20,200
Så sier han: "Så...
58
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis kom inn og sa at du røyker gress."
59
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Jeg sa: "Ja.
60
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
Ryktene du har hørt, stemmer."
61
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,348
Han så nedslått ut,
62
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:46,434
som om han ikke visste
hva han skulle si. Øynene sa:
63
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Beklager at vi har denne samtalen,
64
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
men Louis sladra og ba meg snakke med deg.
65
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
Jeg syns ikke dette er noen stor sak,
66
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,362
fordi folk pleide å ta kokain her,
og jeg syns du er veik.
67
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Beklager at vi har denne samtalen."
68
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:03,076
Jeg leste det i øynene hans,
og mine øyne sa:
69
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,827
"Utvilsomt, kompis." Så...
70
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Det var pinlig et øyeblikk,
og det var stille,
71
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,712
så sa han: "Så det du kanskje kan gjøre,
72
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
fordi han sa at du røyker mye gress,
73
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
så kanskje du kan passe på
hvor mye gress du røyker."
74
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,515
Jeg sa: "Greit. Jeg skal passe på.
75
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Jeg vil aldri slippe det av syne.
76
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Det er null problem. Jeg holder ord."
77
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
Han sa: "Ok.
78
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Beklager igjen at vi har denne samtalen,
79
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
men Louis fortalte meg
80
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
at du røyker bort karrieren din.
81
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,618
Du røykte så mye på kontoret her om dagen
at han ikke følte seg vel."
82
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
Jeg bare: "Å, faen! Jaså?"
"Ja", sa han.
83
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
"Å, har jeg sparken?"
84
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
"Nei."
85
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
"Hvorfor ikke?"
86
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
Han bare: "Jeg vet ikke."
87
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Som er en samtale vi har årlig,
på årlig basis.
88
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:05,471
"Er dette året?"
89
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
"Jeg vet ikke. Ikke ennå.
Vi finner ut av det."
90
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
Det var jævla kjipt.
Jeg forlot kontoret med vissheten om
91
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
at Louis C.K. ikke liker meg.
92
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
En av verdens beste komikerne noensinne,
93
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
og spesielt på den tiden, en av...
94
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Det var dritkjipt,
for hvorfor gjør jeg stand-up
95
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
hvis han ikke liker meg?
Du ønsker hans bifall,
96
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
og jeg bare: "Han liker meg ikke
fordi jeg røyker gress?"
97
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Det suger,
98
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
og jeg bar på det i fem år.
99
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Og så, en strålende morgen...
100
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
...våknet jeg
101
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
og leste at Louis C.K. runker
foran kvinner,
102
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
og jeg bare: "Ja!"
103
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Dere vet hva jeg mener.
Jeg ville ikke at det skulle skje,
104
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,326
men hvis det skulle skje noen,
er jeg glad det var ham. Skjønner?
105
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Nei, det er bare...
106
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
La meg fortelle dere hvor sprøtt det er
å runke alene, ok?
107
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Lat som du er på rommet med meg.
108
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Er det greit?
109
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Så å runke alene er jævla sært.
110
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
Du runker, og det tar lang tid,
111
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,429
og du klarer ikke å komme,
112
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
og tenker: "Du er en jævla taper.
113
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,017
Du kan ikke ta deg selv.
114
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,396
Tror du noen andre vil ha seg med deg?
115
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Har du sett deg selv i speilet?
116
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
Det har skjedd med meg,
fordi jeg er dum.
117
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Aldri mer, for nå runker jeg i bekmørket.
118
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Ja, det gjør jeg.
119
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Telefonen vendt ned,
for du kan få en melding,
120
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:54,163
og den kan reflekteres i speilet
så du ser deg selv runke i hjørnet.
121
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,373
Melding fra mamma.
122
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Har du prøvd å runke etter det?
Det er nesten umulig.
123
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Jeg sa ikke umulig, men nesten.
124
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Noe av det vanskeligste jeg har gjort.
125
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Jeg ble deppa da jeg hørte om det,
126
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,308
for jeg synes synd på de damene
127
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,018
han runket foran.
128
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Det er bare trist, for det påvirket dem.
129
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,774
Om de bare hadde visst at da Louis
130
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,026
dro ut pikken og begynte å dra den,
131
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,612
om de hadde tent en joint, hadde han bare:
132
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:30,074
"Å, faen. Er det gress? I helvete.
Dere er dyr.
133
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Jeg sier det. Drittsekker! Faen.
134
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,956
Dere vil røyke bort karrierene deres.
135
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Vennen min, som jeg støtter finansielt,
fikk et barn,
136
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,971
så jeg er far.
137
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Jeg var ikke akkurat klar for det.
138
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Han ringte. Han var spent.
Han sa: "Jeg har gode nyheter."
139
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
"Har du fått jobb?"
140
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
"Nei, jeg har fått barn."
141
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
"Jøss, det er nøyaktig
det motsatte av å få jobb."
142
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Jeg gleder meg til å få barn.
143
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Jeg synes ikke det er vanskelig.
Nei, for alle vennene mine har dem,
144
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
og det de klager over
plager meg ikke så mye.
145
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Alle klagene er de samme.
"Du, den gråter."
146
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Jeg sier: "Gå på et annet rom."
147
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,806
Ja, alt gråter. Ikke sant?
Du prøver å stoppe det, og så drar du.
148
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,727
Jeg gråter stadig.
Kompisen min bare: "Jeg må på jobb.
149
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,604
Finn ut av det. Ikke vær på nett.
150
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Så de sier at det gråter,
151
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
at det andre de klager på er
152
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
at det driter hele tida.
Det plager meg heller ikke,
153
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
for det gjør jo jeg også.
154
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Så jeg har ikke noe imot
å tørke det i mindre målestokk.
155
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Og når man tørker barn,
ser man av og til steder
156
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,795
du kanskje har oversett på deg selv, sant?
157
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
"Jeg har aldri sett rasshølet mitt
fra denne vinkelen før.
158
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Jeg skal tørke det hjørnet
når jeg går ut av dusjen."
159
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Du går ut av dusjen, og:
160
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933
"Faen ta."
161
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:29,777
Jeg elsker å sitte barnevakt,
for etter litt sopp, snakker jeg baby.
162
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Ja, jeg elsker det. De snakker, sant?
163
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
Her om dagen sa nevøen min: "Bleh",
164
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,037
og jeg: "Forensic Files. Oppfattet."
165
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Så, jeg var...
166
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
Sopp er flott.
167
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
Sopp er som å være på en berg-og-dalbane
168
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
når man går opp, men man går aldri ned.
169
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Det er bare opp, når du tenker:
"Dette er fett!
170
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Dette er fantastisk! Jeg kan ikke tro
at vi gjør dette! Herregud!"
171
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,222
i fire timer liksom.
172
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Det skjedde noe rart da jeg var barnevakt
her om dagen.
173
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Min venns sønn får tenner, ikke sant?
174
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Vi satt og så på Forensic Files,
175
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
og jeg bare satt der, og han får tenner,
176
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
så tok han hånden min
og begynte å suge på fingrene mine,
177
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
men bra.
178
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Som...
179
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Jeg lot ham i et øyeblikk.
180
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Jeg bare: "Nei! Jøss, men nei!"
181
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
Den vitsen splitter salen.
182
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:50,107
Jeg vet det. Det er ikke første gang
jeg gjør dette.
183
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
Det er rart å fortelle vitser som det,
men dette er en komiklubb.
184
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Det hadde vært rart
hvis dette var et folkemøte,
185
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
og jeg tok mikrofonen og sa:
"Jeg har et par forslag."
186
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,417
"Greit, jeg er utenfor med jakkemerker."
187
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:16,509
Jenter bør fortelle gutter
hvordan de skal få dem til å komme.
188
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Første gang dere har sex.
Som en oppdatering, sant?
189
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
For alle jenter er forskjellige
er det jeg sier til meg selv.
190
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Alle er forskjellige, og en av dem
er død på innsiden.
191
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
"Nei, du er bare ødelagt."
192
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Ja.
193
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Beklager. Noen ganger sier man
fnisete ting.
194
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Jenter bør fortelle oss
hvordan vi kan få dem til å komme.
195
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,551
Ikke når de er komfortable.
196
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:01,429
Du er redd for å såre ham,
men det gjør du ikke.
197
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Vi kan være midt i knullinga,
198
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
og du kan si: "Jeg hater dette".
199
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"Hva med dette? Bra? Ok, glemt."
Det skjedde ikke engang. Sant?
200
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Bare fortell fyren det.
201
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Jeg antar at guttegreier
er selvinnlysende.
202
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Du bare drar den og greier flyr ut.
203
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,784
Det er veldig enkelt.
Sønnen min kunne gjort det, og...
204
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,335
Det er visst ikke så vanskelig
å få jenter til å komme.
205
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,463
Hvis du svetter og er andpusten,
206
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,256
har du visst gjort det feil.
207
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Men alt jeg vet er fra porno,
208
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
for jeg vokste opp med
en mor og en søster, sant?
209
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Så vi hadde aldri den praten.
210
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Jeg hadde aldri den middagen
der jeg følte meg komfortabel nok
211
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
til å si: "Dere.
212
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,900
Hvis jeg ikke var sønnen
eller broren din..."
213
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Alt jeg vet er fra porno,
214
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
som er mye bevegelse og skriking og...
215
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,080
Noen ganger tar du den ut
og gjør et par armhevinger.
216
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,708
og så i gang igjen... Beklager.
217
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Så jeg visste det ikke,
men heldigvis fortalte en dame meg
218
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
at det visstnok er
en liten greie i skjeden.
219
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
En liten sirkelting.
Den ligner...Dere vet, boksing?
220
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Den ser ut som den greia her.
221
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
En liten speedbag-greie.
222
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Den gutter enten slår sakte eller fort,
223
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
og skjeden ligner visstnok.
224
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Du bare dytter lett på den lille greia...
225
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
...eller gir bånn gass.
Det er de to alternativene.
226
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Du må ikke skifte antrekk engang.
227
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Så, ja, bare fortell fyren det.
228
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Guttegreier er selvinnlysende,
229
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
men om noen dro ned buksa mi
og begynte å slå pikken min,
230
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
ville jeg ikke si:
"Håper hun finner ut av det.
231
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Dette er krig.
232
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Hvem sendte deg? Hva skjer?
233
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
Er dette et drapsforsøk?"
234
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Her er noe ingen fyr liker,
men vi er redde for å si det til jenta,
235
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
fordi vi er så nærme å pule...
236
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Det er ikke mange ord
som forklarer hva det er,
237
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
så å "pule" er
238
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
det mest passende...
239
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Dette er på Nickelodeon.
240
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Ja. Det var derfor jeg tok på dress.
Jeg pleier ikke å ha på det.
241
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Jeg kler meg alltid
som om jeg er klar til å bli slimet.
242
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,775
Men jeg fant en damedress
på Banana Republic,
243
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,861
og jeg kler den jævla godt.
244
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Jeg ser ut som en skilt kone
som tok seg sammen.
245
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Ikke kom tilbake.
246
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,334
Jeg har et repertoar nå."
247
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Her har du noe ingen menn liker.
248
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Du vet når ei jente er på topp
før de dytter pikken i seg?
249
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:35,809
Det ikke er den beste måten å si det på,
men jeg har prøvd fem andre måter
250
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
og "dytte pikken i seg" vant soleklart.
251
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Så tenk dere hvor fæle
de andre fire var, ikke sant?
252
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,111
Plutselig er den bedre.
253
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,741
Du vet når de er på topp,
og de skal til å smelle den opp der?
254
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Ser dere? Ja.
255
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Det var det jeg sa.
256
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,165
Du er på topp og skal til
å stikke pikken i deg?
257
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Noen jenter begynner å gli på pikken
258
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
før de putter den inn.
De bare: "Å, ja. Liker du dette?"
259
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Nei, det gjør vi ikke. Det gjør vondt.
Slutt å gjøre det, alle jenter.
260
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Bare putt den inn.
261
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,394
Det gjør så jævla vondt!
262
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,980
Det gjør vondt,
for du barberer eller ikke,
263
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:22,815
uansett så stikker det litt.
264
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Så begynner du å gni det
mot de nakne pikkene våre.
265
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,154
Det gjør dritvondt.
266
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
"Liker du det?"
267
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,576
"Nei. Har du hatt friksjonsskade før?
Det er sånn det føles.
268
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,664
Noe min mors rare venn ville gjort
når hun ikke var her."
269
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Alle husker den rare vennen, sant?
270
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,549
Da alle gikk, spurte han:
"Har fått friksjonsskade før?"
271
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
"Nei."
272
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
Først er det: "Stilig!",
og så: "Hei, slutt, mister!"
273
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
Ja. Ingen menn liker det.
274
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
Det er ikke deilig.
Det føles som sandpapir.
275
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Jenter skjønner det vel ikke,
276
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
for nytelse- og smerteansiktet
er det samme når vi knuller.
277
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Begge er, "Ah", ikke sant, så...
278
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Men det gjør veldig vondt,
279
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
og så plutselig blir pikken sår,
280
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
og skrapet opp,
og når du våkner dagen etter
281
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
tenker du: "Hva faen er dette?
282
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Hva er dette?
283
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Fikk jeg en ny kjønnssykdom på 24 timer?
Dette er sprøtt."
284
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Jeg går til legen og spør:
"Hva er dette?"
285
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,267
"Du må lære deg å knulle."
286
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,227
"Hva er dette?"
287
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:47,608
Legene på Staten Island er
veldig annerledes.
288
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Jeg vet ikke. Jeg...
289
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Jeg har mange skeive venner.
290
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Jeg liker mine skeive venner,
for det er ikke et ærligere forhold
291
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:06,418
enn det mellom en skeiv og en streit fyr,
fordi det ingenting å vinne.
292
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
Det er ren ærlighet,
293
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
og skeive er verdens ærligste mennesker,
294
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
slemme óg, men...
295
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Ærlig, kan vi vel si,
men det er veldig slemt.
296
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,558
Her er et eksempel:
297
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Jeg dro fra mammas hus...
Det er mitt hus også.
298
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,023
Dra til helvete.
Jeg må ikke forklare meg.
299
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,192
Jeg er komfortabel med situasjonen.
300
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Jeg elsker å bo med moren min.
Fordi jeg bor i kjelleren.
301
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
Det er en leilighet...
302
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
...og så har vi andre etasje
som vi kaller fellesrommet...
303
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,548
...for vi er romkamerater.
304
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Jeg har egen inngang nede.
Det står: Petes...
305
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
...inngang.
306
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:03,976
Det gjør det. Det er kult.
Uendelige mengder fruktgummi.
307
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Dere ler, men bare kule folk har lov til
å være der nede.
308
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Mamma må banke.
309
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Det er ingen...
Hun går aldri rett inn. Banker alltid på.
310
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
Uansett, ja.
311
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Alle jenter jeg dater har mange
skeive venner, ikke sant?
312
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Men det er alltid en skeiv venn
jeg ikke tror er skeiv.
313
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
Ja. Jenter ler.
314
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
Alle mennene sier: "Kyle, ja.
Faen ta den fyren.
315
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
Jeg hater den fyren.
Kan ikke si noe, men jeg vil."
316
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Hvis du er forvirret, så er det han
kjæresten din spør deg om.
317
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
"Hei, hva er greia med Kyle?
318
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Han henger alltid rundt oss."
319
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Kjæresten din svarer alltid det samme:
"Hvem, ham? Kyle?"
320
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
"Ja, hva skjer?
Hva er det med den gutten?
321
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
Hva er greia?"
322
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
Kjæresten din svarer:
"Kjære deg. Han er skeiv."
323
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
"Er det bekreftet?
324
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Er det ute på gata?
Vet gatene at han er skeiv?"
325
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
Så sier dama di det samme:
326
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
"Nei, men alle vet det."
327
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
"Ikke denne jævla fyren.
328
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Jeg vet ikke det. Nei.
Jeg har avslørt deg, Kyle. Ok?"
329
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
Overnattingene, sant?
330
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,518
Du hater fitte,
så hvorfor koser du med den?
331
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
Veldig rart. Ikke sant?
332
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Jeg kommer aldri til
å kose med parkeringsbøter
333
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
eller noe sånt, sant?
334
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Ikke det samme, men bra nok for meg.
335
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Jeg forstår det bare ikke.
336
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Det er en viss type skeive,
337
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
jeg kaller dem tafserne...
338
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,253
Det er ingen regler for skeive fyrer.
339
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
De kan stort sett gjøre som de vil.
340
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Det er jævlig sprøtt.
341
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
All makt til dere,
men det er mye makt.
342
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
Det er det!
Du vet, noen skeive liker å tafse, sant?
343
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Det er han skeive som løper bort
til kjæresten din
344
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
og klemmer på puppene,
tar henne på rumpa
345
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
og sier: "Fy flate, du ser bra ut!"
346
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Jeg synes ikke det er morsomt. Beklager.
347
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Jeg er for skeivhet, det betyr ikke
at jeg er imot skeivhet.
348
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Vet dere hvor hardt jeg jobber
for å slå på pupper og...
349
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:32,082
Vet dere hvor mange bursdager
jeg har gått glipp av,
350
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:33,500
venner jeg har mistet?
351
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
Juler i Ohio...
352
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
...og dere får ta på rumper
av ren formalitet?
353
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,592
Det er faen meg urettferdig.
354
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Ja, rett foran deg.
Gå opp, klapp på ræva, fnise.
355
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Bare fordi han kunne.
356
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,686
Jeg ville aldri gjort det,
selv om jeg kunne.
357
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:55,314
Jeg ville ikke dra kjæresten hans i pikken
358
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,066
og si: "Pent, Gary.
Ikke min greie, men kult!"
359
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Hvorfor ikke?
360
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,201
Jeg er streit.
361
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Det er visse regler for visse folk,
og det forstår jeg ikke.
362
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Det gir ikke mening for meg.
363
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Jeg har allerede tatt kampen i hodet,
364
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
som så mange av dere har gjort,
og det fungerer aldri.
365
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Jeg taper alltid.
366
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Jeg går bort til ham, og han klapper henne
på rumpa, klemmer på puppene
367
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
og danser fnisende.
368
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
Jeg sier: "Hva faen gjør du, Kyle?"
369
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,070
Så bestemmer Kyle seg for
å komme ut den dagen
370
00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:45,614
og sier: "Å, jeg er skeiv."
371
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Så er det over. Han vant.
Det er det. Det er hele kampen.
372
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Du kan like gjerne si:
"Beklager, fortsett."
373
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,417
Trykk lett eller klampen i bånn.
374
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
Det er rart, for det funker bare...
375
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
Det funker bare med skeiv fyr,
streit jente.
376
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
Ikke den andre veien.
377
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Det funker ikke streit fyr, skeiv jente.
378
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184
Jeg kan ikke ta en lesbisk på puppene
379
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,478
og si: "Det går bra. Vi hater dette."
380
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
Jeg havner i trøbbel.
381
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,575
Jeg ble stoppet av politiet på veien hit.
382
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:32,869
Har noen, når de ble stoppet,
383
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:34,204
skrudd på Billy Joel?
384
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
For du tror betjenten vil si:
385
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,710
"Førerkort og vogn... Billy Joel!
Nei, så stilig, kompis!
386
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:42,003
Du er ikke en kødd.
387
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Jeg trodde du ville lyttet til 2 Chainz
eller noe."
388
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:50,011
Det er enda pinligere når det ikke funker.
389
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
Du sitter der, og han sier:
"Førerkort og vognkort...
390
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,392
Kan du skru av Bill Withers?"
391
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Jeg havner i mye trøbbel.
392
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Jeg havnet i trøbbel i fjor
fordi jeg sa noen vitser,
393
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
og jeg gjorde narr av en mann
394
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
med øyelapp som er politiker.
Han heter Dan Crenshaw.
395
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,828
Jeg syns ikke jeg gjorde noe galt.
396
00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:19,875
Ordene ble vridd
så en fyr kunne bli berømt,
397
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
men, ja, jeg gjør ikke...
398
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Dette er hele greia.
Jeg vil...
399
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Jeg har ikke Twitter,
400
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
så jeg kan ikke forklare meg
hver gang det skjer noe fælt.
401
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Så tenkte at jeg får filme en spesial
og fortelle alle.
402
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:38,268
Siden jeg ikke får lov til
å være på nettet.
403
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,939
Hvis jeg går på nettet,
havner jeg i fengsel eller noe.
404
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Så jeg gjorde narr av
denne fyren med øyelapp,
405
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
og ble tvunget til
å be om unnskyldning,
406
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
fordi folk truet med
å skyte meg i ansiktet.
407
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
Dessverre var det ikke meg
som tok den telefonen.
408
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Romkameraten min tok den, og...
409
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
...hun syns ikke det var greit.
410
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
Så romkameraten min syns
jeg burde be om unnskyldning
411
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
så jeg ikke ble skutt i ansiktet.
412
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Så, jeg...
413
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
Slik skjedde det.
Jeg er veldig begrenset på SNL.
414
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Jeg vet ikke om du har sett det.
415
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Sikkert ikke, men jeg gjør ikke
store greiene.
416
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
Så vi bare satt der, og vi sa:
417
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"Hva faen kan du gjøre?
418
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,660
Du er en del av roast-familien, sant?
Du gjør de roastene."
419
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
"Jo da. Det er en greie.
Roast-familie. Ja vel."
420
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
"Du kan jo roaste politikere
421
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
på Update eller noe?"
422
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Jeg tenkte: "Fett. Det gir meg
seks episoder til.
423
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Ja, for faen. Kult."
424
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
8 Mile og roasting har
de samme reglene, ikke sant?
425
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Du gjør narr av deg selv,
og så gjør du narr av alle andre.
426
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Så jeg fikk et stort ark
med mange ansikter, sant?
427
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
Jeg begynte å skrive vitser.
428
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Denne fyren, den damen,
429
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
og så dukker denne Dan Crenshaw opp.
430
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,613
Og han har en øyelapp.
431
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,908
Jeg tenker: "Han har humoristisk sans."
432
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Fordi han har øyelapp.
433
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,248
Mister du øyet,
er det tre ting du kan gjøre
434
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:26,293
før du får deg øyelapp.
Jeg kødder ikke. Seriøst.
435
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Du har glassøye, glassøye med briller,
436
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
solbriller og så får du deg øyelapp.
437
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Jeg tenkte: "Han er morsom.
438
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Han er selvbevisst.
Han tåler en spøk."
439
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Så jeg sa: "Greit, vi skriver
en ufarlig vits",
440
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:45,478
eller noe, sant?
441
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Denne fyren ser ut
som en leiemorder i en porno."
442
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Veldig harmløs SNL-vits, sant,
443
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,364
hvor du: "Ha ha ha. Neste stopp, takk."
444
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
Meg i en drosje.
445
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,621
Det er der det utspiller seg.
446
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Vi kutter den. Kutt den ut.
447
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Den er grei. Kutt den ut.
Aldri skjedd. Rett tilbake til knulling.
448
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,550
Tilbake til knulling.
Dette skjedde ikke.
449
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:22,098
Dette har jeg hatt lyst til.
450
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,517
Gratulerer med knulling.
451
00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:27,562
Takk for at du slo av pausen
og fortsetter å se på.
452
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Beklager.
453
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:36,154
Jeg ønsket alltid at det skulle skje
når jeg så på Netflix.
454
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Hvordan var det? Var det bra?
455
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
Var det alt du håpet på?
Jeg håper det.
456
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
Det må ha vært bra
siden du pauset Crenshaw-greia,
457
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
din jævla morapuler.
458
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,555
Vi har det gøy. Beklager.
459
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Det går bra.
460
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Så jeg skrev en liten vits.
461
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:13,566
"Ser ut som en leiemorder i en porno."
Skrev den.
462
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,318
Tenkte ikke noe mer på det.
463
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:19,948
Så plutselig, rett før jeg skal ut
for å gjøre Update,
464
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
sier han som skrev den med meg:
465
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"Hei. Jeg undersøkte litt."
466
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
"Du undersøkte nå?" Han bare: "Ja."
467
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
De venter til siste øyeblikk der borte.
468
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
"Du vet han Dan Crenshaw?
469
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Jeg tror han kanskje mistet øyet
i en krig eller noe sånt."
470
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
"Hva?"
De sa: "Pete, ut på gulvet."
471
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,385
"Faen!"
472
00:28:40,468 --> 00:28:43,221
"Du vil gjøre det kjempebra.
Dette går greit.
473
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:46,057
Det er ansiktet ditt der ute, ikke mitt."
474
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,312
Jeg prøver å være påpasselig,
som ikke er lett,
475
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:54,357
for jeg er alltid høy på sopp eller noe.
476
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Så å være påpasselig er jævlig vanskelig.
477
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Ikke å være påpasselig,
men helt plutselig påpasselig.
478
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,660
Som: "Hei, du!" og du bare: "Å!"
479
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Takk til de tolv som forsto det.
480
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Hva faen, vits.
481
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Som jeg sa, de bare gir dem
til alle på Netflix.
482
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Knullet du igjen?
Det er fantastisk.
483
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Takk for at du kom tilbake.
484
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Jeg setter pris på det.
485
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Det må ha vært bra.
Det er det som skjer.
486
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:35,148
Men seriøst, under Crenshaw-greiene?
Det er jævla...
487
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,907
Jeg nyter den med dere,
for har ikke hørt den før heller.
488
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
Så jeg går ut på gulvet, ikke sant?
489
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
Hørte nettopp
at han kanskje mistet øyet i krigen,
490
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
og jeg tenkte at jeg må være påpasselig.
491
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Jeg må be om unnskyldning etter vitsen.
492
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Være i forkant, ikke sant?
493
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Så jeg går ut og ber om unnskyldning.
494
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
Jeg husker hva den sa.
495
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Jeg husker det jeg sa.
Jeg glemmer det aldri.
496
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Jeg sa: "Dan Crenshaw ser ut som
en leiemorder i en porno, sant?"
497
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Fikk bare jævla middelmådig latter.
498
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Rett etterpå sier jeg:
499
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Beklager. Jeg vet han kan ha mistet øyet
i en krig eller noe."
500
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
Jeg sa "eller noe", og folk sa:
501
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
"Du hater Amerika!"
502
00:30:25,406 --> 00:30:28,952
"Nei! Jeg ville ikke si noe feil
om hvordan han mistet øyet."
503
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,622
Er det ulovlig?
Han kan ha mistet øyet i krig eller noe.
504
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
Jeg vet ikke.
Det kan ha vært i Afghanistan.
505
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,919
Mens han smørte en brødskive.
Jeg aner ikke.
506
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Beklager at jeg ikke har
Dan Crenshaw baseballkort
507
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
med statistikken og informasjonen hans.
508
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Min feil. Det er et uttrykk.
509
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Jeg prøvde å være påpasselig. Ikke sant?
510
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,183
General Patton, sant?
En av Amerikas største helter.
511
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
Han døde i Nazi- Tyskland
en uke etter krigen, i en bilulykke.
512
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Men når vi snakker om
den store general Patton, sier vi
513
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
at han døde i krigen eller noe.
514
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Det er lettere å si det enn
515
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
at han vant krigen
og tok en dårlig sving, og... Ja.
516
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Det er et uttrykk.
Det betyr ikke at jeg hater Amerika. Ok?
517
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Så det eneste jeg ikke liker
er folk som sier:
518
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"Det er din feil at fyren vant." Feil.
519
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
De fleste stemmene var avlagt,
520
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
og han er en republikaner
med en øyelapp i Texas.
521
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
Så det var avgjort på forhånd.
522
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Jeg kunne sagt dere det.
523
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,520
Jeg er tror de bare har bilder i Texas.
Det er sånn de stemmer.
524
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Det er ikke min feil at fyren vant, ok?
525
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
Det er Amerikas feil.
526
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,449
Det er dette også.
527
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Jeg gjorde ikke noe for den fyren.
528
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
Det eneste jeg er skyldig i,
529
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
og jeg beklager,
er at jeg gjorde ham berømt
530
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
og allmenn kjent, uten grunn.
531
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Jeg gjorde det
Ariana Grande gjorde for meg, sant?
532
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Ja da. Ja.
533
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Jeg sugde pikken hans på SNL.
534
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Jeg skulle ikke vitse om dette,
men kompisen min sa:
535
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Jeg hørte at Ariana sa
at hun ikke ante hvem du var,
536
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
og du var bare et tidsfordriv."
537
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Så nå mener jeg at hun er fritt vilt.
538
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Så, ja...
539
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:32,659
Ikke klapp. Dette er ikke
en Drake mot Lil Wayne-konsert.
540
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Dette er ikke en konkurranse.
541
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Hun har sanger og sånt,
og jeg har dette.
542
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Greit? Det er det, ok?
543
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
"Pete, dette er urettferdig.
Du lufter skittentøyet offentlig.
544
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,758
Det er dårlig gjort. Hvor sa hun det?
545
00:32:48,841 --> 00:32:51,302
Til venner, hjemme hos seg selv?"
546
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Nei, hun sa det på forsiden av Vogue.
547
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Tenk om jeg gjorde det?
548
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Karrieren min ville være over.
549
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Hvis jeg spraymalte meg brun
550
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
og hoppet på forsiden av Vogue,
551
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
og begynte å snakke dritt om eksen min,
kan dere tenke dere hvor...
552
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Ikke klapp.
Det er Drake mot Lil Wayne klapping.
553
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,329
Jeg liker ikke det. Jeg liker fnising.
554
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,539
Det er bare vitser.
555
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Tenk hvis jeg sa:
556
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:25,670
"Jeg knullet henne fordi jeg kjedet meg,
så kom Fortnite."
557
00:33:25,753 --> 00:33:27,088
Det ville vært sprøtt.
558
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
"Pete, hun må ha lidd for det.
Det må ha hatt noen konsekvenser."
559
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Nei. Hun vant Billboard's Årets kvinne,
560
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
jeg ble kalt "rompehøl-øyne"
av barstoolsports.com.
561
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Livet er litt urettferdig iblant.
562
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Igjen, dette er vitser.
Jeg vil ikke ha trøbbel.
563
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Min største frykt er
å bli skutt i bakhodet
564
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
av en niåring med hestehale.
565
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
Det siste jeg hører er:
"Emneknagg avlyst",
566
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
og så pang i bakhodet.
567
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Jeg vil ikke ha trøbbel fra niåringene.
568
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Ariana er en mektig kvinne.
569
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Hun er en veldig mektig kvinne,
og veldig smart.
570
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Det må du være for å ødelegge
Starbucks for noen.
571
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:35,073
Jeg gikk på Starbucks, og sa:
"Kan jeg få en medium kaffe?"
572
00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:35,990
Fyren bare...
573
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:46,167
"Dra til helvete.
Jeg drar til Dunkin' Donuts."
574
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Hvorfor forsvinner de i byen?
Jeg finner ingen.
575
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Mange spør meg hvordan det var.
576
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,096
Det er som alle andre brudd,
bortsett fra at alle ser det.
577
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,934
Jeg visste ikke hva jeg...
578
00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:06,145
Jeg visste hva jeg bega meg ut på,
men ikke om bildegreia.
579
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Da hadde jeg gått til en hudlege
før jeg begynte å date.
580
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Jeg ville ha tatt forholdsregler,
men visste ikke...
581
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
Et vanlig brudd. Kompiser kommer innom.
De lyver for deg.
582
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
"Ikke noe problem. Ingen vet hvem hun er.
583
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Det går bra. Bedre sånn.
Ikke noe problem."
584
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Og så kom den sangen,
585
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
og vennene mine sa:
"Jeg er glad i deg. Ikke sant?
586
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
Den er fengende.
587
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Veldig fengende.
Du får noen røffe åtte måneder.
588
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Jeg liker faktisk sangen, beklager.
589
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Jeg liker deg, men..."
590
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Bestefar sa: "Den er en slager.
591
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, den er en slager. Jeg beklager.
592
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Det er en bra sang,
og jeg hører ikke på sånt engang."
593
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
"Ja, greit!"
594
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Det eneste jeg ikke likte
at jeg fikk ut av det,
595
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
er en allmenn misforståelse.
596
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Jeg liker ikke at hun snakket dritt
på vegne av pikken min.
597
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Jeg synes det var veldig sært.
598
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
Hun sa: "Ja, det funket ikke,
men fin pikk."
599
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Jeg syntes det var sært, for alle sa:
600
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,015
"Å, for ei søt jente."
601
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Vent nå litt. Tenk om jeg sa alt det?
602
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
Tenk om jeg sa: "Synd at det ikke funket.
Men, fin fitte!
603
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
Den er våt!
604
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Bra fitte, men beklager."
605
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,329
Det er latterlig.
606
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Jeg måtte sitte der.
607
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Ja. Det er det eneste.
608
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:56,756
Jeg likte det ikke, for det er ikke sant.
609
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Det er bare fordi hun har små hender.
610
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Hun har bittesmå hender.
611
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Alt er jævlig stort for henne. Ja.
612
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Det var en vits da vi var sammen.
613
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
"Stor for deg,
men liten for alle andre. Stilig!"
614
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Ikke sant?
615
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Så du spør deg selv: "Hvorfor?
Hvis hun vet dette,
616
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
hvorfor forteller hun alle
at du har en stor penis?"
617
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Hvorfor gjorde hun det?
For folk tenker:
618
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"For en snill dame. Det funket ikke.
Snakket pent om ham.
619
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:36,087
Fortalte alle at han har en fin penis."
Det er ikke grunnen.
620
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Hun gjorde det så hun...
621
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Hun er et geni. Husk dette.
Hun er veldig smart, ok?
622
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Hun gjorde det slik at alle jenter
som ser pikken min fra nå av,
623
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
blir skuffet.
624
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Det er genialt!
625
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Taper på livstid.
626
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Vent.
627
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:03,781
Jeg fikk ikke nyte
min store pikk-sommer,
628
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
eller hva faen det het.
629
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Ikke gjør det.
Jeg har en familie som leser. Slutt.
630
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Stakkars mamma.
631
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
La meg gjøre noen 9/11 vitser
før jeg stikker.
632
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Hvordan høres det ut? Kult.
633
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Eneste gang dere får juble for 9/11.
634
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,555
Faren min døde 9/11.
635
00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:31,767
Jeg ble bedt om å si det før vitsene,
for ikke alle vet det.
636
00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:36,063
Jeg syns ikke at jeg burde si det.
637
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
for det vil stoppe showet
og gjøre ting pinlige.
638
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Jeg vant. Jeg hadde rett.
639
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Når faren din dør, og han jobber for
staten eller kommunen eller noe...
640
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
Han var brannmann. Hva enn det er.
641
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Noen ganger får familien litt penger.
642
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Ikke mye penger. Litt. Så...
643
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,630
Vi fikk litt penger,
og jeg husker at mamma,
644
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:08,304
for å muntre opp meg og søsteren min,
gi oss et basseng for pengene.
645
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Hun tenkte at hvis hun ga oss et basseng,
646
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
så ville folk være venner med oss,
komme for å bade.
647
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Det er mørkt.
648
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,817
Svømme i dødsbassenget.
649
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
Det er en god idé,
650
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
men meningen bak å ta bomba var rar.
651
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,211
Bare det å svømme lengder hver dag.
"Er vi kvitt?" Nei.
652
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Mamma skaffet oss basseng, ikke sant?
653
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Jeg var syv da pappa døde,
og unger forstår ikke sånt.
654
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
De vet ikke hva som foregår.
655
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Jeg husker jeg fikk bassenget,
og unger på skolen sa:
656
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Du er så heldig. Du er rik.
Du har et basseng." Ikke sant?
657
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
"Ja. Heldigvis har jeg et basseng
658
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
som jeg fyller med tårer hver sommer.
659
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Du vet du er rik når du kan svømme
i din egen tristhet.
660
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:11,992
Bra at bin Laden ikke forsov seg.
Vet dere hvorfor?
661
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:13,911
Jeg ville ikke hatt et basseng!
662
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Unnskyld. Kom innom. Ja."
663
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:23,045
Behold det, Jason.
Bryr meg ikke om hva du sier.
664
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Jeg gjorde en greie om faren min i sommer.
665
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Jeg måtte filme noe.
666
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Så jeg måtte forske på faren min,
667
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
og henge med vennene hans, sant?
668
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
Jeg er fra Staten Island, pappa óg,
669
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:40,104
så vennene hans er som meg.
670
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
De er søppel, sant?
671
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Ja. Vi er søppelfolk. Bokstavelig talt.
672
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Vi er kjent for
å ha verdens største søppelfylling.
673
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,199
Du kan se den fra verdensrommet.
674
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Det sa drosjesjåføren da du kom
til Staten Island.
675
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"Dette stedet har den største fyllinga."
676
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:01,375
Istedenfor: "Se på det treet!"
677
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
"Hva skjedde med fyllinga?
Hva gjorde de med den?"
678
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
De bygde en park over den.
679
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
"Du mener at de ble kvitt alt søppelet?"
680
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Nei. De bygde en jævla park over den.
681
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Når den begynner å falle fra hverandre,
682
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
blir barna stukket av Honda 98-modeller.
683
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Jeg prøver å forklare
Staten Island-folk for dere.
684
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Ikke et godt eksempel.
685
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Det er som om du kastet
en Marlboro Red i badekaret,
686
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
og den ble levende.
687
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Det er...
688
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
Det er...
689
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
Det er slik en Staten Island-fyr er.
690
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Uansett, jeg måtte møte vennene hans.
691
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Alle historiene jeg hadde om pappa
var fra da jeg var sju,
692
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
så historiene de fortalte meg
var helt annerledes
693
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
enn det jeg hadde hørt før.
694
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Jeg vet ikke hvem han er.
Jeg skal gi dere et eksempel.
695
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Da jeg var liten sa pappas venner:
696
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
"Faren din var rå.
697
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Vi pleide å spille basketball
og gjøre lekser.
698
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Han spiste alltid opp maten.
699
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Spiste alltid opp maten!
700
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Spis opp!"
701
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Hvorfor?
702
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Jeg fant ut at...
703
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
Det er vanskelig
å spise opp maten når du er sju.
704
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
Fordi voksne gir oss like
store porsjoner som dem,
705
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
og vi er en tredjedel så store.
706
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:45,104
Etter en tredjedel er vi mette,
så å rope: "Spis!" hjelper ikke.
707
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Det gjør alle feite. Ikke sant?
708
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Mamma pleide å si:
"Det er sultende barn i Afrika."
709
00:42:52,444 --> 00:42:55,239
Det var det hun sa
for å tvinge meg til noe.
710
00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:59,368
"Det er nå så, men om en i Afrika spiste
en tredjedel av denne maten,
711
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
ville han vært mett."
712
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Jeg liker at halvparten av dere:
"Det var morsomt",
713
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
og resten:
"Jeg vet ikke om du kan si det."
714
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,216
Vi får vel sjekke Twitter,
dommeren av alt.
715
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,137
Twitter er den nye perleporten.
716
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,849
De bestemmer alle folks fremtider.
717
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Uansett, så jeg traff vennene
til faren min, og ba dem
718
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
fortelle meg noen historier om han.
Han sa:
719
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"Å, vi tok kokain hele tiden!"
720
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
"Hva?"
721
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
"Unnskyld. Skulle jeg ikke
fortelle deg det?"
722
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
"Nei, det går bra, jeg hadde bare
ikke forventet det.
723
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
I oppveksten hørte jeg
at han alltid spilte basketball
724
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
og gjorde lekser, og spiste opp maten.
725
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Den tredje gjelder vel fortsatt, men...
726
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Jeg var ikke..."
Han sa: "Skal jeg beskytte deg?
727
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Sier jeg for mye?"
"Nei, som sagt,
728
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
trodde jeg alltid
at faren min var en helt,
729
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
jeg visste ikke at han var en superhelt.
730
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
At han var tidenes kuleste."
731
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
For en 90-tallsmann. Tok kokain
og slukket branner. For en legende.
732
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,076
Kjempestolt.
733
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
Det fikk meg til å smile.
Hvor kult er det?
734
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
Si at huset ditt brenner.
735
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:31,168
Brannbilen kommer. En fyr sier:
"Jeg tar hydranten."
736
00:44:31,293 --> 00:44:35,005
En annen fyr sier: "Jeg sikrer området",
så kommer faren min:
737
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"Da kjører vi! Ingen hjelm!"
738
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Takk, folkens.
739
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Ha en fin kveld. Takker så mye.
740
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,224
Takk for at dere kom.
741
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Takk.
742
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
HVORDAN LEVE MED EN ENORM PENIS
743
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON UTSOLGT
744
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
Showet er over, men dette er en historie
jeg vil fortelle folk.
745
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Ja. Dette vil jeg fortelle.
746
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Dette er den eneste andre historien
jeg har hørt om faren min.
747
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,582
Jeg henger med denne fyren,
748
00:45:51,665 --> 00:45:53,709
og ber ham fortelle om faren min.
749
00:45:53,792 --> 00:45:57,129
Han sa han tok mye kokain.
"Har du noen andre historier?"
750
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
"Jeg har en til."
751
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:01,800
"Ja vel. Greit."
752
00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:04,511
Han sier: "En gang..."
Det er sånn han snakker.
753
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
Jeg har ikke diktet opp denne fyren.
754
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Det ville vært flaut,
men det er sånn han snakker.
755
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"En gang dro jeg og faren din til Poconos
i et bryllup, sant?
756
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Poconos er som harry Bahamas.
757
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
Det er dit du drar for å prøve
å fikse ekteskapet ditt
758
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
og knulle i et hjertebadekar.
759
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
Du putter penger på senga,
og den rister.
760
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
"Den rister som livet vårt!"
761
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Han fortsetter:
"Så vi er på Poconos, sant?
762
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
I et bryllup.
763
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Så jeg er i bryllupet, og vi har det gøy.
764
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
Vi danser. Blir drita, ikke sant?
765
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
Jævla drita."
766
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Jeg: "Kult, kompis." Fra 1987.
767
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,765
"Jævla drita." Fortsatt stolt av det.
768
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
"Så faren din og jeg er i bryllupet.
769
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Vi deler rom, sant?
Vi deler et rom på Poconos,
770
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
og jeg er med ei jente,
og jeg prøver å knulle henne, sant?"
771
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Han sa alltid "sant?"
som om jeg skulle si:
772
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
"Nei. Det var ikke slik det skjedde."
773
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Jeg har aldri hørt dette før. Ja.
774
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
"Jeg prøver å knulle henne, sant?
Så jeg ser etter faren din.
775
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Jeg leter overalt. 'Hvor er du, Scott?'"
776
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Det var det han gjorde.
"Hvor er du? Jeg ser deg ikke."
777
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Han gjenskapte det.
778
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,889
Han sa: "Jeg trodde,
779
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,808
at han knullet noen, sant?
780
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Jeg går tilbake til rommet.
Faren din er borte vekk, sant?
781
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Så jeg er med ei jente.
Vi begynner å knulle, sant?
782
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
Det er helt rått, sant?
Jeg tar henne fra alle kanter, sant?
783
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Hun satt her. Hun kom der,
og så gikk vi på badet."
784
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
"Du. Når kommer faren min inn?
For dette høres ut som
785
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
en merkelig spesifikk historie
som du husker fra 87."
786
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
"Han kommer. Jeg vil bare
ikke at du skal tro jeg er veik."
787
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
Jeg sa: "Jeg vet du ikke er veik."
788
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Han sier: "Så vi knuller, sant?
789
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Hun kommer. Jeg kommer.
790
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Hun først selvsagt, og så er vi ferdige.
791
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
Vi ligger bare der, og...
792
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
...plutselig ser jeg,
på andre siden av rommet,
793
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
en sigarettglo i mørket.
794
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Jeg slår på lyset. Det er faren din!
795
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
'Scott! Jeg har lett etter deg',
796
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,869
og han sier:
'Takk for gratisforestillingen.'"
797
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
Han sier: "Det er faren din.
798
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
Er ikke det en god historie?”
799
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
"Nei!
800
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Du forteller vel ikke den til folk?
Det er en grusom historie.
801
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
Lever denne jenta? Jeg må finne henne
og betale henne nå.
802
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
Hva faen er denne informasjonen?"
803
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,517
Uansett, takk for at dere kom.
Ha en fin kveld.
804
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Tekst: Cathrine Hvidsten Jenkins
1
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,466
Louis C.K. wilde me ontslaan bij SNL...
2
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,926
EEN NETFLIX ORIGINAL-COMEDYSPECIAL
3
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,344
...en het ging zo.
4
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:17,016
Het was 2014 of '15, de finale van SNL...
5
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
...en ik was zo verrast en blij
dat ik nog niet ontslagen was...
6
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
...en dat gevoel heb ik elke week.
7
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,779
Het is geweldig. Niet te geloven.
Het is heel grappig.
8
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Dus ik vierde het.
9
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,743
Louis C.K. presenteerde en hij was toen...
10
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:37,829
...een alom gerespecteerde komiek.
11
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,624
Toen. Ja.
12
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,626
Toen was hij iemand...
13
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,046
...tegen wie je opkeek
en wiens goedkeuring...
14
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,380
...je wilde. Toen.
15
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Toen wilde je
dat hij aardig tegen je deed.
16
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Dus hij presenteerde
en ik vond het geweldig.
17
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,434
Ik had een joint gerookt...
18
00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,269
...in mijn kleedkamer...
19
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
...en toen ik naar de lift liep...
20
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
...stond Louis C.K. te praten...
21
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:11,446
...tegen een groep acteurs,
schrijvers en coole mensen.
22
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,282
Ze waren duidelijk diep in gesprek...
23
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
...dus ik dacht: ik hou me erbuiten.
24
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Ik was high. Ik wilde het niet verpesten.
25
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Ik wil niet dat hij weet dat ik besta.
26
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Dus ik deed mijn capuchon omhoog,
trok hem strak...
27
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
...en liep om hen heen
naar de andere kant van de liften...
28
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
...zodat ik niet in de weg kon lopen...
29
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
...en ik drukte op de knop,
en stond te wachten...
30
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
...en plotseling
stopt Louis C.K. met praten.
31
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Hij wijst naar me en zegt:
32
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,228
'Kijk hoe high Pete is,
die verdomde idioot.
33
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,563
Hij wordt high op het werk.
34
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,899
Je gaat je carrière oproken, idioot.'
35
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,279
En ik was zo high
dat ik dacht: dat was niet echt.
36
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,532
Ik dacht: nee.
37
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,034
Nop.
38
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
Ik heb me het verbeeld.
39
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,039
Hij zei gewoon: 'Zie je morgen.'
40
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
Waarschijnlijk...
41
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,877
De volgende dag, op m'n werk...
42
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,463
...belde Lorne Michaels' secretaris.
43
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,758
Dat was zorgwekkend
want ik werkte er al een jaar...
44
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
...en hij had me nog nooit gebeld.
45
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Dus ik dacht: shit. Ik nam op, en hij zei:
46
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
'Louis was net in Lornes kantoor.
Hij wilde over jou praten...
47
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
...en nu wil Lorne met je praten.'
En ik dacht: fuck, oké.
48
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Want ik dacht: ik word ontslagen.
49
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Dus ik probeerde mezelf op te hitsen.
50
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Ik dacht:
51
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
laat ze stikken. Zij staan voor lul.
52
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
Ze namen je aan en ontsloegen je.
Twee keer fout.
53
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,831
Snap je? Ja.
54
00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:47,167
Hij kon gewoon naar binnen sluipen...
55
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,669
...niemand zou het merken.
Wat maakt het uit?
56
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Dus ik liep zijn kantoor binnen,
probeerde mezelf gerust te stellen...
57
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
...en ik doe de deur open,
en daar zit Lorne.
58
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Hij keek verward...
59
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
...en ik ook, want zo kijk ik nu eenmaal.
60
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Ik kijk altijd alsof
je me vroeg wiskunde te doen.
61
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Maar goed, hij zei: 'Ga zitten.'
62
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,199
Dus dat deed ik, en hij zei:
63
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
'Louis heeft verteld dat je wiet rookt.'
64
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
En ik zei: 'Ja.
65
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
De geruchten die u gehoord hebt,
zijn waar.'
66
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
En ik zag gelatenheid in zijn ogen...
67
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
...want hij wist niet wat hij moest.
Zijn ogen zeiden:
68
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
'Het spijt me dat we dit doen...
69
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
...maar Louis vond
dat ik met je moest praten...
70
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
...en ik vind het zelf niet erg...
71
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,028
...want men snoof hier coke
en wiet is voor watjes.
72
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Het spijt me dat we dit moeten doen.'
73
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
Ik las dat in zijn ogen, en mijn ogen...
74
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
...zeiden: 'Geen zorgen, maat.'
75
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,249
Er viel een ongemakkelijke stilte...
76
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:14,712
...en toen zei hij: 'Ja, dus,
weet je, wat je kunt doen...
77
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
...omdat hij zei dat je veel wiet rookt...
78
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
...dus misschien kun je
daar een beetje mee oppassen.'
79
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
En ik zei: 'Oké, doe ik.
80
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Ik zal er heel goed op passen.
81
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Ik hou me aan mijn woord.'
82
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
En hij zei: 'Ja.
83
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Het spijt me dat we
dit gesprek moeten hebben...
84
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
...maar Louis zei...
85
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
...dat je je carrière oprookt...
86
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
...en dat je zo high was op kantoor...
87
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
...dat hij zich ongemakkelijk voelde.'
88
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
En ik zei: 'Shit, echt?' En hij zei: 'Ja.'
89
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
En ik zei: 'Dus, ben ik ontslagen?'
90
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
En hij zei: 'Nee.'
91
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
En ik vroeg: 'Hoezo?'
92
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
En hij zei: 'Geen idee.'
93
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
En dat gesprek hebben we elk jaar.
94
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,471
'Dit jaar?'
95
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
'Ik weet het niet. Nog niet. We zien wel.'
96
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
En dat was vreselijk,
ik kwam het kantoor uit met dat gevoel...
97
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
...van, Louis C.K. vindt je niet aardig.
98
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Eén van de beste komieken ooit...
99
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
...en zeker toen...
100
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Het was vreselijk,
want waarom doe ik dit überhaupt...
101
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
...als hij me niet aardig vindt?
Je wilt zijn erkenning...
102
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
...en ik dacht: hij vindt me
niet aardig omdat ik wiet rook?
103
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Dat is vreselijk.
104
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
En ik moest daar vijf jaar mee leven.
105
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
En toen, op een prachtige ochtend...
106
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
...werd ik wakker...
107
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
...en las ik: 'Louis C.K. masturbeert
waar vrouwen bij zijn'...
108
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
...en ik dacht: 'Yes.'
109
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Je snapt het. Ik wilde niet
dat het zou gebeuren...
110
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
...maar als het toch moest gebeuren,
was ik blij dat hij het was.
111
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Oké.
112
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Het is gewoon...
113
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Het is gestoord
om in je eentje te masturberen.
114
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Ja, ik zal het beeld schetsen.
115
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:18,377
Is dat goed?
116
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Alleen masturberen is heel raar.
117
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
Heb je wel eens dat het lang duurt...
118
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,429
...en je komt niet klaar...
119
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
...en je denkt: wat een loser.
120
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,017
Je kunt het zelf niet eens.
121
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:37,063
Waarom zou iemand anders
het met je willen proberen?
122
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Weet je als je jezelf in de spiegel ziet?
123
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
Dat is mij ooit gebeurd, want ik ben dom.
124
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Nooit meer,
ik masturbeer nu in het pikdonker.
125
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Ja.
126
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Scherm naar beneden,
want als je een sms krijgt...
127
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,536
...wordt de spiegel verlicht...
128
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,038
...en zie je jezelf
masturberen in de hoek.
129
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,289
Sms van je moeder.
130
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Ooit gemasturbeerd na een sms
van je ma? Bijna onmogelijk.
131
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Ik zei niet onmogelijk, maar wel bijna.
132
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Dat was echt heel moeilijk.
133
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Maar ik vond het erg...
134
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,018
...ik had medelijden met de vrouwen
bij wie hij gemasturbeerd had.
135
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Het is triest, want het had
een grote impact op ze.
136
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,774
Als ze hadden geweten dat als Louis...
137
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,110
...zijn lul tevoorschijn haalde...
138
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
...ze een joint hadden kunnen opsteken
en hij had gezegd:
139
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
'Fuck. Is dat wiet? Wat een beest.
140
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Ik ga het vertellen. Waardeloze idioten.
141
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,956
Je rookt je carrière op.'
142
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Mijn vriend die ik financieel ondersteun
kreeg een kind...
143
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,180
...dus ik ben papa.
144
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Ja, ik was er niet klaar voor.
145
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Hij belde, helemaal opgewonden.
Hij zei: 'Ik heb goed nieuws.'
146
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
Ik zei: 'Heb je een baan?'
147
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
Hij zei: 'Nee, man. Ik heb een kind.'
148
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,696
En ik zei: 'Dat is
het tegenovergestelde van een baan.'
149
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Ik wil heel graag vader worden.
150
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Het lijkt me helemaal niet moeilijk.
Al mijn vrienden krijgen kinderen...
151
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
...en hun klachten doen me niet zoveel.
152
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Ze klagen allemaal over hetzelfde.
'Maat, hij huilt.'
153
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Ik zeg: 'Ga in een andere kamer zitten.'
154
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,888
Ja, alles huilt. Toch?
155
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,723
Je biedt troost en dan ga je.
156
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,808
Ik huil vaak.
Uiteindelijk zeggen vrienden:
157
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,727
'Ik moet naar mijn werk.
158
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,395
Zoek het maar uit.'
159
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Dus dat, hij huilt...
160
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
...en de andere klacht is:
161
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
'Hij poept de hele tijd.'
En dat vind ik ook niet erg...
162
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,700
...want dat doe ik ook.
163
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Dus vind ik het best om
dat schoon te maken op kleiner formaat.
164
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Soms als je kinderen schoonmaakt
zie je plekjes...
165
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,128
...die je bij jezelf
misschien gemist hebt.
166
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Weet je? Je denkt: ik heb mijn anus
nog nooit uit die hoek gezien.
167
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Ik ga die hoek vegen
als ik uit de douche kom.
168
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Je komt uit de douche en gaat:
169
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,225
'Kijk nou eens.'
170
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
Ik pas graag op...
171
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,069
...want als ik paddo's neem,
spreek ik baby.
172
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Geweldig. Ze praten, weet je?
173
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,743
Pas zei mijn neefje: 'Bleh.'
174
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,829
En ik zei: 'Forensic Files. Oké.'
175
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Ik was...
176
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
Paddo's zijn geweldig.
177
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,711
Het is alsof je in een achtbaan zit...
178
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
...en je gaat omhoog,
en je gaat nooit naar beneden.
179
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
Het is het omhoog gaan,
als je denkt: dit is gaaf.
180
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Dit is geweldig. Niet te geloven
dat we dit gaan doen. O, mijn god.
181
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
Vier uur lang.
182
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Er is onlangs iets vreemds gebeurd
toen ik aan het oppassen was.
183
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
De tanden komen door
bij het zoontje van mijn vriend.
184
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Dus we keken Forensic Files...
185
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
...en hij krijgt tanden...
186
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
...en hij pakte mijn hand,
zoog op mijn vingers...
187
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
...en hij deed het goed.
188
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Zo van...
189
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Ik liet hem even zijn gang gaan.
190
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,761
Ik dacht: nee. Wauw, maar nee.
191
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
Niet iedereen vindt dit grappig.
192
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Dat weet ik. Dit is niet mijn eerste show.
193
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,445
Het is raar om zulke grappen te maken...
194
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,906
...maar dit is een comedy club.
195
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,659
Het zou raar zijn
als dit een vergadering was...
196
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
...en ik pak de microfoon en zeg:
'Dit zijn mijn ideeën.
197
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
Oké, ik ga wel met buttons mee.'
198
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,092
Ik vind dat meiden ons
moeten vertellen hoe ze klaarkomen.
199
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:22,098
Instructies voor je
voor het eerst seks hebt.
200
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,268
Want blijkbaar is elke meid anders,
of tenminste...
201
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,603
...dat vertel ik mezelf.
202
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Iedereen is anders
en één van hen is dood vanbinnen.
203
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,782
Ja, ik denk:
volgens mij ben jij gewoon kapot.
204
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,160
Nee, ja.
205
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Sorry, ik weet het niet.
Soms zeg je giechelige dingen.
206
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Meiden moeten jongens
vertellen hoe het moet.
207
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Niet als ze comfortabel zijn.
208
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
Ik weet dat je ons niet wilt kwetsen.
209
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Maar dat doe je niet.
Zelfs al zeg je midden in de seks:
210
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
'Ik haat dit', dan zeggen wij:
211
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:13,232
'En dit? Goed? Oké, vergeten.'
Het is niet eens gebeurd, snap je?
212
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Je moet het hem gewoon zeggen.
213
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,736
Bij mannen is het heel vanzelfsprekend.
214
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Je trekt eraan en er komt spul uit.
215
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,826
Heel makkelijk,
zelfs mijn zoon zou het kunnen...
216
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Blijkbaar is het makkelijk
om meiden te laten klaarkomen.
217
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,463
Als je zweet en hijgt...
218
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,256
...doe je het verkeerd.
219
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Maar ik heb al mijn kennis van porno...
220
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
...want ik had alleen
een moeder en een zus.
221
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Dus heb ik dat gesprek nooit gehad.
222
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Ik was nooit zelfverzekerd genoeg
om tijdens het avondeten te zeggen:
223
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
'Hé.
224
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
Als ik niet je zoon of broer was...'
225
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Dus ik had alles geleerd van porno...
226
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:06,035
...met veel beweging en geschreeuw...
227
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Soms neem je even pauze
voor een paar push-ups...
228
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:13,042
...en dan ga je weer... Sorry.
229
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,798
Dus ik wist er niets van,
maar gelukkig vertelde een dame me...
230
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
...dat er een dingetje in de vagina zit.
231
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
Een rond dingetje... Net als...
Weet je, boksen?
232
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:30,142
Het ziet eruit als dat ding.
233
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Dat boksbal-ding.
234
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Dat ding waar mannen
langzaam of snel tegen gaan...
235
00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:40,736
...en het schijnt
dat de vagina vergelijkbaar is.
236
00:13:40,819 --> 00:13:44,073
Je geeft het ding zachte tikjes...
237
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
...of je slaat het tegen de grond.
Dat zijn de twee opties.
238
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Je hoeft je niet eens om te kleden.
239
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Maar je moet het de man gewoon vertellen.
240
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Bij mannen is het vanzelfsprekend...
241
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
...maar als iemand ooit
mijn lul begon te stompen...
242
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
...zou ik niet denken:
ik hoop dat ze snel leert.
243
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Dit is oorlog.
244
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Ik zou zeggen: 'Wie heeft je gestuurd?
245
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
Ben je een huurmoordenaar?'
246
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:29,118
Dit is iets dat mannen niks vinden,
maar we willen het meiden niet zeggen...
247
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
...want we gaan misschien zo bonken...
248
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Er zijn weinig woorden voor...
249
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,588
...dus 'bonken' is...
250
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:41,881
...het meest gepast...
251
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Dit komt op Nickelodeon.
252
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Ja. Daarom draag ik een pak.
Dat doe ik normaal niet.
253
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Meestal zie ik eruit alsof ik klaar ben
om beslijmd te worden.
254
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,775
Maar ik heb
een mooi vrouwenpak gevonden...
255
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,944
...en het staat me geweldig.
256
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Ik ben net een gescheiden vrouw
die haar zaken op orde heeft.
257
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
'Kom niet terug.
258
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,584
Ik heb nu een repertoire.'
259
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Maar goed, hier is iets
dat mannen niet willen.
260
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Weet je, als een meisje er bovenop zit
voor ze de lul erin doen?
261
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Nogmaals, dat is niet de beste manier
om dat te zeggen, maar...
262
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
...ik heb 5 andere manieren geprobeerd...
263
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
...en 'de lul erin doen' won met afstand.
264
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
Kun je je voorstellen
hoe erg de andere vier waren?
265
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Nu klinkt het beter.
266
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Dus, weet je, als ze er bovenop zitten
en hem erin proppen?
267
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,534
Zie je? Ja.
268
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Dat bedoelde ik.
269
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,207
Dus weet je als je er bovenop zit
en je doet de lul erin?
270
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
De meeste meiden beginnen
op de lul te schuiven...
271
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
...voor ze hem erin doen.
'Ja. Vind je dit lekker?'
272
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Nee, dat vinden we niet. Het doet zeer.
Hou daarmee op, alle meiden ooit.
273
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,683
Stop hem er gewoon in.
274
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Het is zo pijnlijk.
275
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Want of je je scheert of niet...
276
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
...je bent stekelig daar beneden.
277
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
En dat wrijf je dan
over onze naakte lulletjes.
278
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Dat doet zeer.
279
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
'Vind je dat lekker?'
280
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
'Nee. Heb je ooit prikkeldraad gehad?
Zo voelt dat.
281
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,162
Net mijn moeders rare vriend die...
282
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,664
...dat deed als ze niet keek.
283
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,836
Iedereen herinnert zich die rare vriend.
284
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,757
Iedereen was boven, en hij vroeg:
'Weet je wat prikkeldraad is?'
285
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
En je zei: 'Nee.'
286
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,345
En eerst dacht je: gaaf.
Daarna zei je: 'Hou op, meneer.'
287
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,606
Ja. Dat wil geen enkele man.
288
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:08,068
Het doet zeer. Het is net schuurpapier.
289
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Meiden hebben het niet door, want...
290
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
...het pleziergezicht en het pijngezicht
zijn hetzelfde tijdens de seks.
291
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Allebei zo van, ah, weet je...
292
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,038
Maar het doet echt zeer...
293
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
...en je lul raakt geïrriteerd...
294
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
...wordt uit elkaar getrokken,
en de dag erna word je wakker...
295
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
...en denk je: wat is dit, verdomme?
296
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Wat is dit?
297
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Is dit een nieuw SOA
die binnen 24 uur arriveert? Gestoord.
298
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Ik ga naar de dokter
en vraag: 'Wat is dit?'
299
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,267
Hij zegt: 'Je moet leren neuken.'
300
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,227
En ik zeg: 'Wat? Wat is het?'
301
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,649
Artsen in Staten Island zijn anders.
302
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Ik weet het niet.
303
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Veel van mijn vrienden zijn gay.
304
00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:01,663
Ik ben dol op ze,
want er bestaat geen eerlijkere relatie...
305
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
...dan tussen een gay en een heteroman...
306
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
...want er valt niets te winnen...
307
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
...dus is het pure eerlijkheid...
308
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
...en gays zijn
de eerlijkste mensen die er zijn...
309
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
...ze zijn ook gemeen, maar...
310
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Je kunt het eerlijkheid noemen,
maar het is heel gemeen.
311
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Een voorbeeld.
312
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Ik kwam mijn moeders huis uit...
Het is ook mijn huis.
313
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Rot op. Ik hoef me niet te verantwoorden.
314
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
Ik schaam me er niet voor.
315
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:38,075
Ik vind het heerlijk
om bij m'n moeder te wonen.
316
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:40,452
Want ik woon in de kelder.
317
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,622
Het is een appartement...
318
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,129
...en er is de bovenverdieping,
de gedeelde woonkamer...
319
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,714
...want we zijn huisgenoten.
320
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Ik heb mijn eigen ingang beneden,
er staat 'Pete's...
321
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
...Ingang.'
322
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Ja, dat staat er.
323
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
Het is gaaf. Ik heb heel veel snoep.
324
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Jullie lachen, maar alleen coole mensen
mogen naar binnen.
325
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,780
Mam moet aankloppen.
326
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
Ja, er is geen...
327
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,493
Ze komt nooit zomaar binnen.
328
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,205
Maar goed.
329
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Elke meid met wie ik uitga,
heeft een groep gay-vrienden.
330
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Maar er zit er altijd één bij
die volgens mij geen gay is.
331
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,674
Ja. De meiden lachen.
332
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
Elke man denkt: ja, Kyle. Eikel.
333
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,431
Ik haat hem. Ik kan er niets van zeggen,
maar dat wil ik wel.
334
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:47,853
Als je het wilt weten, het is de jongen
over wie je vriend vraagt:
335
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
'Hé, hoe zit het met Kyle?
336
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Die jongen die om je heen hangt.'
337
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Je vriendin antwoordt
altijd hetzelfde: 'Wie, hij? Kyle?'
338
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
En je zegt: 'Ja, wat is er met hem?
339
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
Wat is er aan de hand?'
340
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
En je vriendin zegt:
'Kom op zeg. Hij is gay.'
341
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
En je vraagt: 'Is daar bewijs voor?
342
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Is het algemeen bekend dat hij gay is?'
343
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
En je vriendin zegt dan, altijd:
344
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
'Nee, maar iedereen weet het.'
345
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
En je denkt: ik niet.
346
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,639
Ik weet dat niet. Ik heb je door, Kyle.
347
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
De slaapfeestjes.
348
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,518
Als je kutjes haat,
waarom knuffel je ze dan?
349
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
Heel vreemd.
350
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Ik zou nooit
een stapel parkeerboetes knuffelen...
351
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
...of zoiets, weet je?
352
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,822
Het is iets anders, ja,
maar goed genoeg voor mij.
353
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Ik snap het niet.
354
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Je hebt een bepaald type gay...
355
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
...ik noem ze strelers...
356
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,253
...want er zijn geen regels voor gays.
357
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
Ze kunnen doen wat ze willen.
358
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Het is gestoord.
359
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Ik ben blij voor ze,
maar het is een hoop macht.
360
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
Ja. Je hebt dus strelers.
361
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
Die gay die
op je vriendin af komt rennen...
362
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
...in haar borst knijpt,
aan haar kont zit...
363
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
...en zegt: 'Wat ben je mooi.'
364
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Ik vind dat helemaal niet grappig.
Het spijt me.
365
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Ik ben voor gays,
ik heb niets tegen gays.
366
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,327
Maar weet je hoe hard ik moet werken
om in borsten te knijpen...
367
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,040
Weet je? Hoeveel verjaardagen
ik heb gemist...
368
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,333
...en vrienden verloren?
369
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
Feestdagen doorgebracht in Ohio...
370
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
...en jij mag zomaar op reten slaan?
371
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,509
Dat is niet eerlijk.
372
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Ja, waar je bij staat.
Klap op de kont, gegiechel.
373
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Gewoon omdat hij het kan.
374
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Ik zou dat nooit zomaar doen.
375
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Ik zou niet op zijn vriend aflopen,
aan zijn lul trekken...
376
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,899
...en zeggen: 'Niets voor mij, maar mooi.'
377
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Waarom?
378
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,618
Wat? Ik ben hetero.
379
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,045
Voor sommige mensen gelden
andere regels...
380
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:19,629
...en dat snap ik niet.
381
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Ik vind het gewoon onlogisch.
382
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Maar ik heb de ruzie erover
in mijn hoofd al gehad...
383
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
...en veel van jullie vast ook,
en het werkt nooit.
384
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Ik verlies altijd.
385
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Ik stap op hem af, en hij slaat haar
op de kont, knijpt in haar borsten...
386
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
...doet een giecheldansje...
387
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
...en ik zeg: 'Wat doe je, verdomme?'
388
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
En dan besluit Kyle
uit de kast te komen...
389
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,822
...en zegt: 'Ik ben gay.'
390
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
Dan is het voorbij.
Hij heeft gewonnen. Dat was de ruzie.
391
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Je kunt net zo goed zeggen:
'Sorry, ga door.'
392
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,417
Tikjes of tegen de grond, zeggen ze.
393
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
Het is raar, want het werkt alleen...
394
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
...met een gay en een heteromeid.
395
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
Andersom werkt het niet.
396
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Met een heteroman en een lesbienne niet.
397
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184
Ik kan niet in de borsten
van een lesbienne knijpen...
398
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,436
...zo van: 'Geen zorgen, ik haat het ook.'
399
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,906
Ik kom vaak in de problemen.
400
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,742
Ik werd onderweg hierheen
aan de kant gezet...
401
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,869
...en zet iemand anders dan ook...
402
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:34,204
...Billy Joel op?
403
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Je denkt dat de agent zegt:
404
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
'Rijbewijs en... Billy Joel. Je mag gaan.
405
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
Jij bent in orde.
406
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Ik dacht dat je naar rap luisterde. Oké.'
407
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
Het is ongemakkelijk als het niet werkt.
408
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,013
Dan zit je daar...
409
00:23:52,097 --> 00:23:53,598
...en hij zegt: 'Rijbewijs.
410
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,308
Kun je Bill Withers uitzetten?'
411
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Ik kom vaak in de problemen.
412
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:04,484
Vorig jaar was het
omdat ik grapjes maakte...
413
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
...over een man...
414
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,075
...een politicus met een ooglapje.
Hij heet Dan Crenshaw.
415
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Ik had niets misdaan.
416
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Mijn woorden werden verdraaid...
417
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
...zodat een man beroemd kon worden...
418
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,711
...maar ja, ik...
419
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Het zit zo. Ik wil...
420
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Ik heb geen Twitter...
421
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:31,219
...dus ik kan met niet verantwoorden
als er iets gebeurt.
422
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Ik dacht: ik film wel een special
om het uit te leggen.
423
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
Aangezien ik niet op het internet mag.
424
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,188
Ja, als ik op het internet ga...
425
00:24:41,271 --> 00:24:42,939
...kom ik vast in de gevangenis.
426
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Dus ik maakte een grap
over de man met het ooglapje...
427
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
...en toen moest ik
mijn excuses aanbieden...
428
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:55,535
...want mensen dreigden
me dood te schieten...
429
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
...en helaas nam ik
die keer de telefoon niet op.
430
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
Het was mijn huisgenoot...
431
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,211
...ze was er niet blij mee...
432
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
...en ze vond dat ik
mijn excuses aan moest bieden...
433
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
...zodat ik niet doodgeschoten zou worden.
434
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Dus...
435
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
Het ging zo. Zoals ik zei,
ik doe weinig bij SNL.
436
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,519
Misschien heb je het gezien.
437
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Waarschijnlijk niet,
maar ik krijg heel weinig te doen.
438
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,611
Dus we zaten daar, zo van:
439
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,280
'Wat kun je doen?
440
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:35,659
Je hoort toch bij de roast-familie?
441
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:36,660
Je doet roasts.'
442
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
Ik zei: 'Natuurlijk.
Dat bestaat. Roast-familie.'
443
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
Ze zeiden: 'Waarom doe je
geen roast van politici...
444
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
...en zo op Update?'
445
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Ik zei: 'Gaaf.
Zo krijg ik nog zes afleveringen.
446
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Fuck, ja. Oké. Cool.'
447
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Snap je? Voor roasting gelden
dezelfde regels als 8 Mile.
448
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
Je zet jezelf voor gek...
449
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,849
...en dan zet je de rest voor gek.
450
00:26:00,558 --> 00:26:04,646
Dus ik pakte een groot stuk papier
met gezichten erop.
451
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
En ik begon grappen te schrijven.
452
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Deze man, die mevrouw...
453
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
...en toen kwam Dan Crenshaw voorbij.
454
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,571
Hij had een ooglapje.
455
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:17,200
Dus ik dacht:
die heeft een gevoel voor humor. Toch?
456
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Omdat hij een ooglapje heeft.
457
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Als je je oog verliest,
heb je drie opties...
458
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
...voor je een ooglapje kiest.
Ik bedoel het niet gemeen.
459
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Je hebt glazen oog,
glazen oog met bril erover...
460
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
...zonnebril, en dan heb je ooglapje.
461
00:26:33,591 --> 00:26:35,302
Dus ik dacht: hij is grappig.
462
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Ik dacht: hij is zelfbewust.
Wat een held. Toch?
463
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,352
Dus ik besloot
een onschuldig grapje te schrijven...
464
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
...snap je? En ik zei:
465
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
'Hij lijkt op een huurmoordenaar
in een pornofilm.'
466
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Heel onschuldig
Saturday Night Live-grapje...
467
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,531
...waarbij je zegt: 'Volgende halte.'
468
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
Dat was ik in een taxi.
469
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Dat is de setting.
470
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Dat knippen we eruit.
471
00:27:07,584 --> 00:27:12,547
Geen probleem. We knippen het eruit,
't is niet gebeurd. Terug naar het neuken.
472
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Terug naar het neuken.
473
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
Ik heb dit altijd willen doen.
474
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Gefeliciteerd met het neuken.
475
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Bedankt dat je play drukt en verder kijkt.
476
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Sorry. Ik...
477
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
Ik hoop altijd dat
dat gebeurt als ik Netflix kijk.
478
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,995
Hé, hoe was het? Was het goed?
479
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,416
Was het wat je hoopte? Ik hoop het.
480
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
Het moest wel goed zijn
als je dit pauzeerde...
481
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
...klootzak.
482
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
Het is leuk. Nee, sorry.
483
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Het geeft niet.
484
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,063
Dus ik schreef een grap...
485
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
'Net een huurmoordenaar in een pornofilm.'
486
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Ik dacht er niet eens over na.
487
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Maar plotseling...
488
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,948
...vlak voor ik op ging
om de Update te filmen...
489
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
...kwam een maat naar me toe en zei:
490
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
'Hé, ik heb onderzoek gedaan.'
491
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,455
Ik vroeg: 'Nu, op dit moment?'
Hij zei: 'Ja.'
492
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:29,916
Ze wachten altijd tot het laatste moment.
493
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
En hij zei: 'Weet je, Dan Crenshaw?
494
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Volgens mij heeft hij
zijn oog in een oorlog verloren of zo.'
495
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
Ik zei: 'Wat?' en ze zeiden: 'Je moet op.'
496
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,969
Ik zei: 'Fuck.' En hij zei:
497
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:43,221
'Het wordt geweldig. Geen zorgen.
498
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
Het is jouw gezicht, niet het mijne.'
499
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Ik wilde bedachtzaam zijn,
wat lastig was...
500
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,858
...want ik gebruik altijd paddo's
en dat soort spul.
501
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Bedachtzaam zijn, is dan
het moeilijkste dat er is.
502
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Weet je? Plotseling bedachtzaam zijn.
503
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,744
Zo van, 'Hé,' en jij gaat 'O.'
504
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Bedankt aan de 12 mensen die dat begrepen.
505
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Wat was dat?
506
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:20,717
Zoals ik zei, ze laten
iedereen binnen bij Netflix. Dus...
507
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Alweer geneukt? Geweldig, man.
508
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Bedankt dat je weer terug bent.
509
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Ik waardeer het.
510
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Dat moet goed geweest zijn.
511
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:34,022
Maar, tijdens het Crenshaw-verhaal?
512
00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,148
Dat is echt...
513
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,823
Ik vind het ook leuk,
ik hoor het ook voor het eerst.
514
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
Dus ik kom op.
515
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
Ik weet dat hij z'n oog
verloren heeft in een oorlog...
516
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
...dus ik denk:
daar moet ik bedachtzaam op zijn.
517
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Ik moet sorry zeggen na de grap.
518
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Op de zaken vooruitlopen.
519
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Dus ik doe het. Ik zeg sorry.
520
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
Ik weet het nog precies.
521
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Ik weet nog precies wat ik zei.
522
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:12,101
Ik zei: 'Crenshaw lijkt op
een huurmoordenaar in een pornofilm.'
523
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Kreeg zo'n matig lachje.
524
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
En daarna zei ik:
525
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
'Sorry. Ik weet dat hij zijn oog
verloren heeft in een oorlog of zo.'
526
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
Ik zei: 'Of zo', en mensen riepen:
527
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,239
'Je haat Amerika.'
528
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:27,367
Ik zei: 'Nee, ik wist gewoon niet zeker...
529
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:28,952
...hoe hij zijn oog verloren heeft.'
530
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
Is dat een misdaad?
531
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
Het was in een 'oorlog of zo.'
532
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,166
Weet ik veel. Het kon Afghanistan zijn.
533
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:38,044
Of het gebeurde
toen hij een broodje maakte.
534
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Sorry dat ik geen
Dan Crenshaw-voetbalplaatjes heb...
535
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
...met al zijn informatie erop.
536
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Mijn fout. Het is een uitdrukking.
537
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Ik probeerde bedachtzaam te zijn.
538
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,139
Generaal Patton.
539
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,183
Een grote Amerikaanse held.
540
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
Hij stierf een week na de oorlog
in Duitsland bij een ongeluk.
541
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Maar over
de grote Generaal Patton zeggen we:
542
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,402
'Hij stierf in de "oorlog of zo."'
543
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Dat is makkelijker dan:
544
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
'Nou, hij won de oorlog
en toen nam hij een te scherpe bocht...'
545
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Het is een uitdrukking.
Ik haat Amerika niet. Oké?
546
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Wat ik niet fijn vind,
is als mensen zeggen:
547
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
'Het is jouw schuld
dat hij won.' Niet waar.
548
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
De stemmen waren al binnen...
549
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
...hij is een republikein
met een ooglapje in Texas...
550
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,639
...dus dat was voor elkaar voor het begon.
551
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Dat wisten we al.
552
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
Volgens mij hebben ze
in Texas alleen plaatjes.
553
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
Zo stemmen ze.
554
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Het is niet mijn schuld dat hij won.
555
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
Het is Amerika's schuld.
556
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,532
Net als dit.
557
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Ik heb hem niet geholpen.
558
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
Het enige dat wel mijn schuld is...
559
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
...en dat me spijt is
dat ik hem beroemd maakte...
560
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
...zonder reden.
561
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Net als wat Ariana Grande voor mij deed.
562
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Ja.
563
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Ik heb hem gepijpt bij SNL.
564
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Ik wilde hier geen grappen over maken,
maar een vriend zei:
565
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
'Ik hoorde dat Ariana zei
dat ze geen idee had wie jij was...
566
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
...en dat ze
met je uitging voor afleiding.'
567
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Dus nu mag het, volgens mij.
568
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Dus, ja.
569
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,490
Niet klappen.
570
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:32,659
Dit is geen Drake vs. Lil Wayne-concert.
571
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Dit is geen wedstrijd.
572
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Zij heeft haar muziek en dit heb ik.
573
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Dat is alles, oké?
574
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Je denkt: dit is niet eerlijk.
Je hangt de vuile was buiten.
575
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Hoe kun je? Waar zei ze dit?
576
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,552
Tegen haar vrienden in haar eigen huis?
577
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Nee, op de cover van Vogue.
578
00:32:58,977 --> 00:33:02,814
Kun je je voorstellen
wat er zou gebeuren als ik dat zou doen?
579
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Mijn carrière zou voorbij zijn.
580
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Als ik mezelf bruin verfde...
581
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
...in Vogue ging staan...
582
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
...en mijn ex begon af te zeiken,
kun je je voorstellen...
583
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Niet klappen. Dat is rap battle-applaus.
584
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,329
Dat vond ik niets. Ik hou meer van gelach.
585
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,580
Het zijn maar grappen.
586
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Als ik dat deed, als ik zei:
587
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,293
'Ja, ik neukte haar uit verveling...
588
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
...maar toen kwam Fortnite.'
Dat zou gestoord zijn.
589
00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:32,635
Je denkt: er moet
iets met haar gebeurd zijn.
590
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,554
Er moeten gevolgen zijn, toch?
591
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,598
Nee. Ze heeft Billboard's
Vrouw van het Jaar gewonnen...
592
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:42,020
...en ik werd 'anusogen' genoemd
door barstoolsports.com.
593
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:52,071
Dus soms is het leven niet eerlijk.
594
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Nogmaals, dit zijn grapjes.
Ik wil geen problemen, oké?
595
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Mijn grootste angst is
dat ik doodgeschoten word...
596
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
...door een kind met een paardenstaart.
597
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
Het laatste wat ik hoor is:
'Hashtag, canceled'...
598
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
...en dan boem, in mijn achterhoofd.
599
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Nogmaals, ik wil geen problemen
met de negenjarigen.
600
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Ze is een machtige vrouw, Ariana.
601
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Heel machtig en heel slim.
602
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,526
Dat moet wel als je Starbucks
voor iemand kunt verpesten.
603
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
Ik was pas in Starbucks...
604
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
...en ik vroeg om koffie,
en die gast deed...
605
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Ik zei: 'Rot op,
ik ga naar Dunkin' Donuts.
606
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Waarom zijn die er niet meer?'
607
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Veel mensen vragen: 'Hoe was het...'
608
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,221
Het was net als altijd als het uitgaat,
alleen iedereen zag het.
609
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Ja, het was, ik weet het niet...
610
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Ik wist waar ik aan begon,
maar ik wist niet van de foto's.
611
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Anders was ik wel
eerst naar een dermatoloog gegaan.
612
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Ik had me goed voorbereid,
maar ik wist niet...
613
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:15,696
Het was net als altijd.
Je vrienden komen langs...
614
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,948
Ze liegen tegen je.
615
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,785
Ze zeggen: 'Geen zorgen, man.
Niemand weet wie ze is.
616
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Je bent beter af zonder haar.' Weet je?
617
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Toen kwam dat nummer uit...
618
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
...en mijn vrienden zeiden:
'Ik hou van je, maar...
619
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
...het is aanstekelijk.
620
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Een aanstekelijk nummer.
Het worden zware maanden.
621
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:40,429
Ik vind het een goed nummer. Het spijt me.
622
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Ik vind je aardig, maar...'
623
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,937
Mijn opa zei: 'Het is een goed nummer.
624
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Het spijt me.
625
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
Het is een goed nummer.
En het is niet eens mijn muziek.'
626
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Ik zei: 'Ik weet het.'
627
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Het enige negatieve
dat ik eraan overhield...
628
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
...is een veel voorkomende misvatting.
629
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Ik vond het niet fijn dat ze
zoveel onzin verkocht over mijn lul.
630
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Ik vond dat heel raar.
631
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,717
Ze zei: 'Ja, het is uitgegaan,
maar je hebt een goeie lul.'
632
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Ik vond dat heel raar, want iedereen zei:
633
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,265
'Wat aardig van haar.'
634
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Ten eerste,
stel je voor dat ik zoiets zei.
635
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:29,896
Dat ik zei:
636
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:32,940
'Jammer dat het uit is.
Maar je hebt een goeie kut.
637
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,483
Dat ding is vochtig.
638
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:38,237
Goede kut, maar sorry.'
639
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,537
Het is belachelijk.
640
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Ik zat daar maar...
641
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Ja. Dat is het enige.
642
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Ik vond het niks
want het is gewoon niet waar. Ja.
643
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Ze heeft gewoon kleine handjes.
644
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Piepkleine handjes.
645
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:06,098
Alles is groot voor haar.
646
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Het was een grap tijdens onze relatie.
647
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
Ik zei: 'Groot voor jou,
klein voor de rest. Geweldig.'
648
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Weet je?
649
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Dus je vraagt je af: waarom?
Als ze dit weet...
650
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
...waarom zou ze dan iedereen vertellen
dat je een enorme lul hebt?
651
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Waarom? Want andere mensen denken:
652
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,707
wat een aardige dame. Het ging uit.
Ze zei iets aardigs over hem.
653
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
Ze zei dat hij een goeie lul heeft.
654
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:36,295
Daarom was het niet.
655
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:38,130
Ze deed dat zodat...
656
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Ze is geniaal.
Onthou dat. Ze is heel slim.
657
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Ze deed dat zodat alle meiden
die mijn lul zien van nu af aan...
658
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,349
...teleurgesteld zijn.
659
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Het is geniaal.
660
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,731
Een levenslange loser.
661
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Wacht even.
662
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,781
Ik had niets aan mijn grote-lul-zomer...
663
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
...of hoe ze het ook noemden.
664
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,371
Hou daarmee op.
Mijn familie kan lezen. Stop.
665
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,915
Mijn arme moeder.
666
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Oké, we gaan wat 9/11-grappen doen
en dan is het klaar.
667
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Goed? Oké. Ja.
668
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Dit is de enige keer
dat je mag juichen voor 9/11.
669
00:38:24,427 --> 00:38:27,596
Mijn vader stierf op 9/11.
670
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Ze zeiden dat ik
dat eerst moest uitleggen...
671
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
...want niet iedereen weet het,
maar ik zei dat...
672
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:36,063
...ik juist niets moest zeggen...
673
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
...omdat het ongemakkelijk zou zijn.
674
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,487
Ik heb gewonnen. Ik had gelijk.
675
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:45,281
Als je vader sterft...
676
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:48,534
...en hij werkt voor de overheid of zo...
677
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
Weet ik veel. Hij was een brandweerman.
678
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Dan krijgt je familie soms
een beetje geld.
679
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Niet veel geld. Een beetje maar.
680
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
We kregen geld, en mijn moeder zei...
681
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:04,050
...om mijn zus en mij op te vrolijken...
682
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,637
...dat ze een zwembad
zou kopen van het geld.
683
00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:11,974
Ze zou een zwembad kopen, en dan...
684
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,395
...zouden mensen onze vrienden
willen zijn en komen zwemmen.
685
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,315
Dat is best duister.
686
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,776
Het zwembad des doods.
687
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:26,364
Ja. Het is een mooi idee,
maar de gedachte...
688
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:28,741
Elke bommetje heeft een rare betekenis.
689
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Je trekt je baantjes,
zo van: 'Is dit wel...' Nee.
690
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Mijn moeder kocht een zwembad
voor mijn zus en mij.
691
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Ik was zeven toen mijn vader stierf
en kinderen snappen dat niet.
692
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Ze begrijpen niet wat er gebeurt.
693
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Ik kreeg het zwembad
en de kinderen op school zeiden:
694
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
'Jij hebt zoveel geluk.
Je bent rijk. Je hebt een zwembad.'
695
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
En ik zei: 'Ja.
Gelukkig heb ik een zwembad...
696
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
...dat ik elke zomer vul met tranen.
697
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:09,031
Want zo weet je dat je rijk bent,
als je kunt zwemmen in je verdriet.
698
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Gelukkig oversliep
Osama bin Laden zich niet.
699
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
Anders had ik geen zwembad.
700
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Sorry. Kom alsjeblieft langs. Ja.'
701
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,878
We houden dat erin, Jason. Echt.
702
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Maar goed, ik maakte iets
over mijn pa deze zomer.
703
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Ik moest iets filmen.
704
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Dus ik moest onderzoek doen
naar mijn vader...
705
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
...en zijn vrienden ontmoeten.
706
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
Mijn pa en ik komen van Staten Island...
707
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:40,020
...dus zijn vrienden zijn net als ik.
708
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:41,397
Ze zijn uitschot.
709
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Ja. We zijn vuilnismensen. Letterlijk.
710
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
We hebben
de grootste vuilstort ter wereld...
711
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
...die je ziet uit de ruimte.
712
00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:56,162
Dat zei de taxichauffeur
als je Staten Island opkwam.
713
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:58,831
'We hebben hier de grootste vuilnisbelt.'
714
00:40:58,914 --> 00:41:01,375
In plaats van: 'Kijk naar die boom.'
715
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
En je vraagt:
'Wat is er met de vuilnisbelt gebeurd?'
716
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
Er is een park op gebouwd.
717
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
'Dus ze hebben al het vuilnis weggehaald?'
718
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Nee. Ze hebben
er een park bovenop gebouwd.
719
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Dus als het
over tien jaar uit elkaar valt...
720
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
...zullen kinderen
zich bezeren aan oude auto's.
721
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Ik probeer mensen
van Staten Island uit te leggen.
722
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Dat was een slecht voorbeeld.
723
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Het is alsof je een Marlboro Red
in een badkuip gooit...
724
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:40,164
...en hij tot leven komt.
725
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Dat is...
726
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
Zo zijn mannen van Staten Island.
727
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Dus ik moest zijn vrienden ontmoeten.
728
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Maar alle verhalen die ik kende over
mijn vader waren van toen ik zeven was...
729
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
...dus de verhalen
die zij vertelden waren heel anders...
730
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
...dan die die ik kende.
731
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Ik herkende hem helemaal niet.
Ik geef jullie een voorbeeld.
732
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Toen ik klein was, zeiden zijn vrienden:
733
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
'Jouw pa was heel stoer.
734
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
We speelden basketbal
en deden ons huiswerk.
735
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Hij at altijd zijn bord leeg.
736
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,503
Altijd.
737
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Eet op.'
738
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:31,006
Waarom?
739
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Ik kwam er achter...
740
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
...waarom je bord leegeten
zo moeilijk is als je zeven bent.
741
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
Omdat volwassenen ons
net zoveel eten geven als zij...
742
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
...en wij zijn veel kleiner.
743
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:43,352
Dus na een derde zijn we vol.
744
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,104
...en 'eet op' roepen helpt niet.
745
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Daar worden mensen dik van. Snap je?
746
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Mijn moeder zei:
'Denk aan de kinderen in Afrika.'
747
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Dat zei ze altijd als ik iets moest.
748
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,824
Ik zei: 'Ja, goed...
749
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:59,326
...maar als een Afrikaans kind
zoveel gegeten had...
750
00:42:59,410 --> 00:43:01,036
...zou hij ook vol zitten.'
751
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Leuk hoe de helft
van de zaal denkt: dat is grappig...
752
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
...en de andere helft:
ik weet niet of je dat kunt maken.
753
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,425
Twitter zal het wel beslissen.
754
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,012
Twitter is de nieuwe hemelpoort.
755
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,932
Het oordeelt over iedereen.
756
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Dus ik ontmoette
mijn vaders vrienden en ik zei:
757
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
'Vertel me over mijn vader.' En hij zei:
758
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
'We snoven veel cocaïne.'
759
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
En ik zei: 'Wat?'
760
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,827
En hij zei: 'Sorry, had ik je
dat niet moeten vertellen?'
761
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
En ik zei: 'Nee, geen probleem.
Ik verwachtte het niet.
762
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Als kind hoorde ik
dat hij basketbal speelde...
763
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
...en zijn huiswerk deed
en zijn bord leeg at, weet je?
764
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,343
De derde was misschien waar maar... Ja.
765
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Ik wist niet...' En hij zei:
'Sorry. Moet ik je beschermen?
766
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Vertel ik je te veel?'
En ik zei: 'Nee, het is alleen...
767
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
...ik wist als kind
dat mijn vader een held was...
768
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
...maar niet dat hij een superheld was.
769
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Ik wist niet dat hij supercool was.'
770
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:20,366
Wat een man van de jaren '90,
drugs snuiven en branden blussen.
771
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,576
Ik ben zo trots.
772
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,454
Ik moest ervan glimlachen.
Hoe gaaf is dat?
773
00:44:25,537 --> 00:44:27,081
Je huis staat in brand.
774
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,166
De brandweer komt.
775
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,127
Een brandweerman zegt: 'Ik haal de slang.'
776
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
Een ander zegt: 'Ik sluit de straat af.'
Mijn pa zegt:
777
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:37,257
'We gaan gewoon.
778
00:44:38,926 --> 00:44:40,219
Zonder helm.'
779
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Bedankt.
780
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Fijne avond nog. Ik waardeer het.
781
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,349
Bedankt.
782
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
LEVEN MET EEN ENORME LUL
783
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,687
UITVERKOCHT
784
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:38,694
De show is voorbij...
785
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:41,697
...maar dit is
een verhaal dat ik wil vertellen.
786
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Dit wil ik vertellen.
787
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
Dit is het enige andere verhaal
dat ik gehoord heb over mijn vader.
788
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,832
Ik hing rond met de vriend en ik zei:
789
00:45:51,915 --> 00:45:53,750
'Vertel iets over mijn vader.'
790
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,169
Hij vertelde over de coke...
791
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:57,129
...en ik vroeg: 'Heb je nog meer?'
792
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
Hij zei: 'Nog één.'
793
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
Ik zei: 'Oké.' Hij zei: 'Op een dag...'
794
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:04,511
Zo praat hij.
795
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
Denk niet dat ik hem verzonnen heb.
796
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Dat zou gênant zijn, maar zo praat hij.
797
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
'Op een dag gingen je vader en ik
naar een bruiloft op de Poconos.'
798
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
De Poconos zijn de budget-Bahama's.
799
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
Waar je heen gaat
om je huwelijk te redden...
800
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
...te neuken in een hartvormig bad...
801
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
...je doet een muntje
in het bed en het schudt...
802
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
...en je zegt:
'Opschudding, net als ons leven.'
803
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Hij zei: 'We waren in de Poconos, oké?
804
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Op een bruiloft.
805
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
En we hadden het naar ons zin.
806
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
We dansten en waren ladderzat.
807
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:44,176
Ladderzat.'
808
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Ik zei: 'Gaaf, man.' Uit 1987.
809
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,515
'Ladderzat.' Hij is nog steeds trots.
810
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
Hij zegt: 'We waren op een bruiloft.
811
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
We deelden een kamer in de Poconos...
812
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
...en ik had een meisje,
en ik wilde haar neuken, oké?'
813
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Hij zei steeds: 'Oké?'
Alsof ik zou zeggen:
814
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
'Nee. Zo ging het niet.'
815
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:12,371
Ik had het nooit eerder gehoord. Ja.
816
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
Hij zei: 'Dus ik wil haar neuken.
Ik ging op zoek naar je pa.
817
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Ik zocht overal,
zo van: "Waar ben je, Scott?"'
818
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Dat zei hij. 'Ik ging:
"Waar ben je? Ik zie je nergens."'
819
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Hij speelde het uit.
820
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,889
Hij zei: 'Dus ik dacht...
821
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,808
...misschien neukt hij iemand.
822
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Dus ik ging naar de kamer, oké?
Je pa was nergens te bekennen, oké?
823
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Ik was met een meid, oké?
We beginnen te neuken, oké?
824
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
En het was geweldig, oké?
We deden het op alle manieren, oké?
825
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Ik had haar hier.
Toen gingen we naar de badkamer.'
826
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
Ik vroeg: 'Komt mijn vader nog terug?
Want dit klinkt als...
827
00:47:51,868 --> 00:47:55,956
...een heel specifiek
neukverhaal uit 1987.'
828
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
Hij zei: 'Hij komt. Ik wilde
je laten weten dat ik geen watje ben.'
829
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
En ik zei: 'Ik weet het.'
830
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
Hij zei: 'Dus we neuken, oké?
831
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Zij komt klaar. Ik kom klaar.
832
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Zij eerst, natuurlijk,
en het is voorbij, oké?
833
00:48:13,890 --> 00:48:16,560
En we liggen in bed, en...
834
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
...plots zie ik
aan de andere kant van de kamer...
835
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
...een brandende sigaret in het donker.
836
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Ik deed het licht aan. Het was je pa.
837
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
Ik zei: "Scott, ik zocht je."
838
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
Hij zei: "Hoi. Bedankt voor de show."'
839
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
En hij zei: 'Dat was je pa.'
840
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
En hij zei:
'Is het geen geweldig verhaal?'
841
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
Ik zei: 'Nee.
842
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Dat vertel je toch niet verder?
Het is een vreselijk verhaal.
843
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
Leeft het meisje nog?
Ik moet haar vinden en haar afkopen.
844
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
Wat is dit voor informatie?'
845
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,893
Bedankt dat jullie er waren.
Fijne avond nog.
846
00:49:21,917 --> 00:49:23,919
Ondertiteld door: M van Veldhuizen
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,341
Louis C.K. próbował mnie zwolnić z SNL.
2
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,677
NETFLIX — ORYGINALNY PROGRAM KOMEDIOWY
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
To było w 2014 albo 2015,
finał sezonu SNL.
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
Byłem szalenie zdziwiony i zadowolony,
że mnie jeszcze nie zwolnili.
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
Co tydzień cieszę się na tę myśl.
6
00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:29,612
Do tej pory nie mogę w to uwierzyć,
no przezabawne.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
No to świętowałem.
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
Louis C.K. prowadził odcinek,
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
a wtedy był bardzo szanowanym komikiem.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,416
Wtedy. No wiecie.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Wtedy ludzie go podziwiali,
chcieli jego akceptacji.
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
Wtedy.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,178
Wtedy chciało się,
żeby był dla ciebie miły.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
On prowadził odcinek,
a ja się bardzo cieszyłem,
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,434
więc zapaliłem skręta...
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
w mojej garderobie.
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:03,813
Gdy szedłem w kierunku windy,
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,442
Louis C.K. stał na środku korytarza,
19
00:01:07,525 --> 00:01:11,446
rozmawiając ze scenarzystami,
obsadą i innymi fajnymi ludźmi.
20
00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,282
Było widać, że dobrze się bawią,
21
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
więc uznałem, że nie dołączę.
22
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Zjarałem się,
nie chciałem nikomu psuć chwili.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,874
Nie chcę, żeby w ogóle o mnie wiedział.
24
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:26,461
Więc założyłem kaptur, ściągnąłem sznurki
25
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
i obszedłem dookoła nich,
26
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
żeby nie wejść im w paradę.
27
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Wciskam guzik, czekam sobie,
28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
a tu Louis C.K. przestaje mówić.
29
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Wskazuje na mnie i mówi:
30
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
„Patrzcie, Pete się zjarał, co za idiota.
31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Jara w pracy. Pieprzony idiota.
32
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
Przepalisz swoją karierę, idioto”.
33
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
Ale byłem zjarany,
więc uznałem, że to się nie stało.
34
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Pomyślałem sobie: „Nie.
35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
No nie”.
36
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:03,039
Pomyślałem, że robię z igły widły.
Pewnie rzucił tylko: „Do jutra!”.
37
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
Pewnie tak...
38
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,171
Następnego dnia dostałem telefon
z biura Lorne’a Michaelsa.
39
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
To mnie zaniepokoiło,
bo pracowałem w SNL już rok,
40
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
ale nigdy do mnie nie dzwonili.
41
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Przestraszyłem się,
ale odebrałem, a w słuchawce:
42
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
„Louis wyszedł właśnie z biura Lorne’a.
Rozmawiali o tobie.
43
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:29,399
Lorne chce z tobą pogadać”.
44
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,734
Pomyślałem: „O kurwa.
45
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Teraz mnie zwolnią”.
46
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Tak myślałem, więc zacząłem się nakręcać.
47
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Powtarzałem sobie:
48
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:42,745
„Jebać ich, to oni wyjdą na głupków,
to oni najpierw cię zatrudnili.
49
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Mogłem po prostu się tam wślizgnąć,
50
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,377
nikt by się nie zorientował,
kogo to obchodzi?
51
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Wchodząc do jego biura,
próbowałem się jakkolwiek pocieszyć.
52
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
Otwieram drzwi, a tam Lorne.
53
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,347
Wyglądał na skołowanego.
54
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
Ja też tak wyglądałem,
bo zawsze tak wyglądam.
55
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Jak by ktoś kazał mi się zająć dzieleniem.
56
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,572
Wyglądał na skołowanego, kazał mi usiąść.
57
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
No to siadłem, a on zaczął: „Tak że...
58
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis powiedział mi, że palisz trawę”.
59
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,337
Powiedziałem, że to prawda.
60
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,092
To fakt,
plotki na mój temat okazały się prawdziwe.
61
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:44,599
Zobaczyłem wtedy,
że nie wiedział, co ma zrobić.
62
00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,434
Jego oczy mówiły:
63
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
„Wybacz, że o tym rozmawiamy.
64
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,648
Louis na ciebie doniósł,
kazał mi z tobą pogadać.
65
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,900
Dla mnie to nie jest wielki problem.
66
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,028
Kiedyś wciągało się tu koks.
Trochę pipka z ciebie.
67
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Wybacz, że o tym rozmawiamy”.
68
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
Wyczytałem to z jego oczu.
69
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
Sam rzuciłem mu: „Luz, ziomek”.
70
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:09,082
Przez chwilę było niezręcznie,
całkowita cisza.
71
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:14,712
Wtedy rzucił: „Wiesz, co mógłbyś zrobić?
72
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:15,672
No wiesz...
73
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:17,924
Ponoć dużo palisz,
74
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:19,717
więc może byś tak...
75
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,303
uważał na to, ile palisz”.
76
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,223
Powiedziałem, że będę uważał.
77
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,062
Nigdy nie spuszczę zielska z oka.
Nie ma sprawy, ja dotrzymuję słowa.
78
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
No i dorzucił jeszcze: „Wiesz...
79
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
Wybacz, że musimy o tym rozmawiać,
80
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
ale Louis powiedział,
81
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
że przepalisz swoją karierę.
82
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
Ponoć spaliłeś wczoraj tak dużo,
83
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
że poczuł się niezręcznie”.
84
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,454
Spytałem go: „O cholera, serio?”.
85
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,664
A on na to: „No”.
86
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,209
No to pytam: „Zwalniasz mnie?”.
87
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,585
A on mówi: „Nie”.
88
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,463
To pytam, czemu nie,
a on na to: „Sam nie wiem”.
89
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,553
Odbywamy tę rozmowę co roku.
90
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:05,555
„Czy to ten rok?
91
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,808
Nie wiem, zobaczymy, sam nie wiem”.
92
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
To mnie dobiło,
bo wyszedłem z jego biura ze świadomością,
93
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
że Louis C.K. mnie nie lubi.
94
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,155
Jeden z najlepszych komików w historii,
95
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:25,950
zwłaszcza w tamtym okresie...
96
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
To mnie dobiło,
bo po co mam robić stand-up,
97
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
jeśli on mnie nie lubi?
Potrzebuję jego akceptacji.
98
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
Kurwa, nie lubi mnie, bo palę zielsko?
99
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Do dupy.
100
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
Pięć lat musiałem się z tym męczyć.
101
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,345
Aż w końcu nadszedł ten wspaniały poranek...
102
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
Budzę się...
103
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,230
i czytam, jak to Louis C.K.
walił sobie konia przed kobietami.
104
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,900
Tak jest!
105
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,904
Wiecie, o co mi chodzi.
106
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,447
Nie życzę tego nikomu,
107
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
ale skoro już ktoś to zrobił,
to cieszę się, że to był on.
108
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Dobra.
109
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Po prostu...
110
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,874
Wyjaśnię wam, jak bardzo dziwne jest
walenie sobie konia w pojedynkę.
111
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:17,293
Zostańcie tu ze mną, dobra?
112
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
W porządku?
113
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:24,342
Walenie sobie w samotności jest dziwne.
114
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
Zdarza wam się walić bardzo długo,
a i tak nie możecie się spuścić?
115
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:33,017
Myślisz sobie wtedy:
„Żałosne. Nie zaspokoisz nawet siebie.
116
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,396
To czemu ktoś inny miałby to zrobić?”.
117
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,690
Możesz też zobaczyć
swoje odbicie w lustrze.
118
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,943
Mi to się zdarzyło, bo jestem głupi.
119
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:45,238
Nigdy więcej. Teraz walę w ciemności.
120
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Owszem.
121
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Telefon ekranem do dołu,
bo może przyjść SMS,
122
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,536
ekran rozświetli lustro
123
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,038
a ty zobaczysz w nim swoje odbicie.
124
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,289
Z podpisem „Mama”.
125
00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:01,045
Próbowaliście sobie zwalić
po przeczytaniu SMS-a od mamy?
126
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
To nie jest niemożliwe, ale trudne.
127
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,550
Jedna z trudniejszych czynności.
128
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,265
To wszystko mnie zdołowało,
129
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:16,018
bo było mi szkoda tych kobiet,
przed którymi sobie walił.
130
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
Szkoda mi ich,
bardzo się to na nich odbiło.
131
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,274
Gdyby tylko wiedziały, to co ja...
132
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,109
Kiedy wyciągał kutasa,
133
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:26,571
trzeba było odpalić sobie skręta,
od razu zmieniłby ton:
134
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,738
„Kurwa, to zioło?
135
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,074
Ja pierdolę, jak zwierzęta.
136
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Doniosę na ciebie! Co za gówno.
Ja pierdolę.
137
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Przepalisz swoją karierę”.
138
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Przyjacielowi, którego utrzymuję,
urodziło się dziecko.
139
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,054
To czyni mnie ojcem.
140
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Nie byłem na to gotowy.
141
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Zadzwonił podekscytowany:
„Stary, mam świetne wieści.
142
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
Dostałeś robotę?”.
143
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
A on na to:
„Nie. Urodziło mi się dziecko”.
144
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,571
No tak. Dokładna odwrotność pracy.
145
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Ja nie mogę doczekać się dziecka.
146
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Moim zdaniem to banalnie proste.
Wszyscy znajomi mają dzieci.
147
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
Ich narzekanie nie robi na mnie wrażenia.
148
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,088
Wszyscy narzekają na to samo:
„Stary, on płacze!”.
149
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
A ja na to: „To idź do drugiego pokoju”.
150
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,971
Wszyscy płaczą.
151
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:37,808
Uspokój je albo wyjdź.
Kiedy ja płaczę, znajomi w końcu mówią:
152
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,354
„Stary, muszę iść do roboty.
Ogarnij się. Wyłącz internet”.
153
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Każdy gada o płaczu.
154
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,277
Narzekają też na inne rzeczy.
155
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,321
„Stary, on wiecznie sra”.
156
00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:52,990
To też nie robi na mnie wrażenia.
157
00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:54,492
Ja też sram.
158
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Sprzątanie na mniejszą skalę
mi nie przeszkadza.
159
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Poza tym myjąc dziecko,
zauważysz pewne miejsca,
160
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,128
które zapewne omijasz u siebie.
161
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,715
„Rany, nigdy nie oglądałem mojej dupy
pod takim kątem.
162
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,010
Następnym razem
skupię się na tym zakamarku”.
163
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Wyjdę spod prysznica i:
164
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,849
„O kurwa”.
165
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
Uwielbiam niańczyć.
166
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,111
Biorę małe dawki grzybów,
więc znam język dzieci.
167
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Uwielbiam to, bo dzieci gadają.
168
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:39,829
Ostatnio mój bratanek powiedział: „Bleh”,
a ja na to: „Kumam, puszczę Akta zbrodni”.
169
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
No i...
170
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:43,791
Grzyby są świetne.
171
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:46,711
Z grzybami jest jak z kolejką górską.
172
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,547
Ciągle jedziesz w górę,
nigdy nie zjeżdżasz.
173
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,340
Zawsze w górę.
174
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,633
„Zajebiście!
175
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Niewiarygodne! Nie wierzę, że to robimy!
O Boże!”.
176
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,264
Przez cztery godziny.
177
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Ostatnio miałem dziwną sytuację
podczas niańczenia.
178
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Syn mojego kumpla ząbkuje.
179
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Oglądaliśmy razem Akta zbrodni.
180
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
Ja sobie siedzę, on sobie ząbkuje.
181
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,331
Nagle chwycił mnie za rękę
i zaczął ssać mi palce.
182
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,457
Porządnie.
183
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Jak by...
184
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Nie wyciągnąłem ich od razu.
185
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,802
Krzyknąłem: „Nie! Brawo, ale nie!”.
186
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,853
Ten żart dzieli publikę.
187
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,815
Nie pierwszy raz go opowiadam.
188
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,445
Wiem, takie żarty są dziwne,
189
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,906
ale to tylko żart w klubie komediowym.
190
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,367
Byłoby dziwnie,
gdybyśmy byli w ratuszu,
191
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,954
a ja wziąłbym mikrofon i rzucił:
„Oto parę moich przemyśleń.
192
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,417
Będę czekał na parkingu z przypinkami”.
193
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,342
Kobiety powinny mówić facetom,
co mają robić, żeby doszły.
194
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:22,014
Coś w rodzaju odprawy
przed pierwszym stosunkiem.
195
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:26,268
Bo wychodzi na to,
że każda dziewczyna jest inna.
196
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,603
Tak sobie powtarzam.
197
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,735
Każda jest inna,
a jedna z nich jest martwa w środku.
198
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,198
Mówię jej: „Coś z tobą nie tak”.
199
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Serio.
200
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,961
Czasem człowiek rzuci coś,
że od razu się chichra.
201
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Serio, dziewczyny,
mówcie jak was zaspokoić.
202
00:11:56,924 --> 00:12:00,886
I nie wtedy, kiedy jest miło.
Spokojnie, nie zranicie naszych uczuć.
203
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:05,266
Naprawdę, nawet w trakcie pieprzenia.
204
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,852
Możesz powiedzieć, że czegoś nie cierpisz.
205
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:13,315
Wtedy gość spyta: „A teraz?
Tak lepiej? Już zapomniałem o pytaniu”.
206
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,942
Po prostu mówcie.
207
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Męska część jest raczej prosta.
208
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Trzepiesz, aż coś nie wyleci.
209
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,450
Banalne, mój syn by dał radę.
210
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:33,419
Ponoć zaspokojenie kobiety
też nie jest zbyt trudne.
211
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:37,256
Słyszałem, że jeśli się męczysz i pocisz,
to coś robisz źle.
212
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Wiem tylko tyle, ile widziałem w porno.
213
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
Dorastałem z mamą i siostrą.
214
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,848
Nikt ze mną o tym nigdy nie rozmawiał.
215
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:49,602
Nigdy przy kolacji
nie czułem się na tyle komfortowo,
216
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,395
żeby powiedzieć: „Słuchajcie,
217
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,566
gdybyśmy nie byli spokrewnieni...”.
218
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Moja wiedza pochodziła z porno.
219
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
Dużo ruchu, dużo krzyków i...
220
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,831
Czasem trzeba go wyjąć,
zrobić parę pompek, potem wracasz i...
221
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,083
Wybacz.
222
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Niewiele wiedziałem, ale na szczęście
jedna z pań powiedziała mi,
223
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
że w pochwie
jest taki jeden malutki element.
224
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,931
Taki okrągły, który wygląda jak...
225
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,725
Kojarzycie boks?
Bo wygląda jak ten przyrząd...
226
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Gruszka bokserska.
227
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,191
Można bić powoli albo szybko.
228
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:40,736
Ponoć pochwa jest bardzo podobna.
229
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,198
Delikatnie dotykasz ten element...
230
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,577
albo dociskasz gaz do dechy,
masz tylko dwa wyjścia.
231
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,289
Nawet nie trzeba się przebierać.
232
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,212
Mówcie to facetom.
233
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,173
Kwestia męska jest bardzo prosta,
234
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:04,635
ale gdyby ktoś ściągnął mi spodnie
i zaczął bić mi kutasa,
235
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,513
nie powiedziałbym: „Oby do tego doszła.
236
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:13,894
To wojna”.
237
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:17,773
Spytałbym, kto ją przysłał.
238
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,277
To próba zabójstwa?
239
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Jest coś, czego nie lubi żaden facet,
ale boimy się to mówić dziewczynom.
240
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,828
To przez to,
241
00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:33,873
że jesteśmy tak blisko pukania.
242
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Niewiele słów dobrze opisuje to zjawisko,
243
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,212
więc uznałem, że pukanie...
244
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,755
jest adekwatne.
245
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,341
Puszczą to na Nickelodeon.
246
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:49,805
Stąd ten garnitur,
zazwyczaj go nie zakładam.
247
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,017
Zwykle ubieram się,
jak by ktoś miał mnie czymś oblać.
248
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:03,861
Ale znalazłem ten damski żakiet w sklepie
i świetnie mi w nim.
249
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,532
Wyglądam jak rozwódka,
która się ogarnęła.
250
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
„Nie wracaj.
251
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,375
Już stać mnie na więcej”.
252
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Na serio jest coś,
czego nie lubi żaden facet.
253
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Znacie moment, gdy ona jest na górze
i zaraz wsadzi sobie kutasa?
254
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,474
Wiem, to nie jest najlepszy dobór słów,
255
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:35,726
ale testowałem pięć innych wersji
256
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:38,854
i „wsadzić kutasa w siebie”
zmiotło konkurencję.
257
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,984
Wyobraźcie sobie, jak okropna była reszta.
258
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Od razu lepiej.
259
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,407
Znacie ten moment,
gdy jest na górze i zaraz go wciśnie?
260
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,493
Widzicie? Mówiłem.
261
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
O to mi chodziło.
262
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,665
Jest na górze, zaraz go sobie wsadzi.
263
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,376
I część dziewczyn,
264
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:04,296
a tak naprawdę większość,
zaczyna wtedy się na nim ślizgać.
265
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
Robią to przed wsadzeniem i pytają:
„Podoba ci się?”.
266
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Nie! To boli, bardzo boli.
Przestańcie to robić, błagam.
267
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Po prostu go wsadźcie.
268
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
To strasznie, kurwa, boli.
269
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Nieważne czy się golisz, czy nie,
270
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
ten obszar jest szorstki,
271
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
a wy pocieracie nim
o nasze biedne, gołe kutasy.
272
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
To boli.
273
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:30,990
„Podoba ci się?”.
274
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
Nie! Zrobił ci ktoś kiedyś pokrzywkę?
To to samo.
275
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,414
Dziwny kolega mamy robił mi tak,
gdy jej nie było w pokoju.
276
00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:43,293
Każdy pamięta kogoś takiego.
277
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:47,923
„Ej, mały,
zrobił ci ktoś kiedyś pokrzywkę?”.
278
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,717
Mówisz, że nie.
279
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,594
Najpierw jest spoko a potem:
„Proszę przestać!”.
280
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,648
Żaden facet tego nie lubi.
281
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
To nieprzyjemne. Jak papier ścierny.
282
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Dziewczyny się nie orientują,
283
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
bo robimy podobne miny,
gdy cierpimy i gdy jest przyjemnie.
284
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Obie wyglądają bardzo podobnie.
285
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,746
Ale to naprawdę boli.
286
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,750
Nagle kutas robi się cały popękany,
287
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:27,379
wygląda tragicznie,
a gdy budzisz się następnego dnia, pytasz:
288
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,507
„Co to ma, kurwa, być? Co jest?
289
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
To jakaś nowa choroba weneryczna?
Symptomy po jednej dobie? Co jest?”.
290
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Potem idę do lekarza, pytam, co to jest,
291
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,100
a on mówi: „Naucz się ruchać”.
292
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,227
Co? Co to ma znaczyć?
293
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,483
Lekarze na Staten Island są inni.
294
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Sam nie wiem...
295
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,034
Przyjaźnię się z wieloma gejami.
296
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Lubię ich, bo uważam,
że nie ma bardziej szczerej przyjaźni,
297
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
niż przyjaźń między gejem a hetero.
298
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
Nikt nic nie może zyskać,
299
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
to bardzo szczere.
300
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
A geje
to najbardziej szczerzy ludzie na świecie.
301
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
Poza tym są złośliwi...
302
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:19,098
Niby szczerzy,
ale przy tym okropnie złośliwi.
303
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Podam przykład.
304
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Wyszedłem od mamy... Choć to też mój dom.
305
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Jebcie się, nie muszę się tłumaczyć.
306
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,942
Jest mi z tym bardzo dobrze.
307
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:37,241
Uwielbiam mieszkać z mamą,
308
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,452
bo mieszkam sobie w piwnicy.
309
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,580
To mieszkanie.
310
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,003
Piętro wyżej są części wspólne,
311
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,714
jesteśmy współlokatorami.
312
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Mam własne drzwi z tabliczką...
313
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
„Wejście Pete’a.”
314
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Naprawdę.
315
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
Jest super. Do tego żelki bez limitu.
316
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:13,694
Śmiejcie się.
Tylko spoko ziomki mogą tam wchodzić.
317
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,864
Mama musi pukać.
318
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
Nie może...
319
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,493
Nigdy nie wchodzi bez pukania.
320
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,164
W każdym razie...
321
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,751
Każda dziewczyna, z którą się umawiam,
ma grupę kumpli gejów.
322
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:33,338
I zawsze jest tam jeden,
który moim zdaniem nie jest gejem.
323
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,802
Dziewczyny się śmieją,
a faceci myślą: „Kyle. Jebać go.
324
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,347
Nienawidzę go, ale nie mogę nic mówić”.
325
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,601
Nie wiecie, o kogo chodzi?
326
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,853
To ten, o którego pyta twój chłopak:
327
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
„Słuchaj, o co chodzi z tym Kyle’em?
328
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,442
Często się przy tobie kręci”.
329
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:55,527
A dziewczyna zawsze powie:
330
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,487
„Kto? Kyle?”.
331
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
Ty na to: „Tak, Kyle. Co z nim?
332
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
O co tu chodzi?”.
333
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
Ona na to: „No co ty, Kyle jest gejem”.
334
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
A ty wtedy: „Czy ktoś to potwierdził?
335
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Czy ulica zdaje sobie sprawę,
że Kyle jest gejem?”.
336
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
Wtedy ona zawsze powie:
337
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
„Nie, ale każdy to wie”.
338
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
A ty znowu: „O nie.
339
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,513
Ja tego nie wiem.
Przyglądam ci się, Kyle”.
340
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:28,393
Pidżama party? Nienawidzisz cipek,
czemu się do nich tulisz?
341
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,229
To bardzo dziwne.
342
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Ja nie tulę paczki pełnej mandatów.
343
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
Nic z tych rzeczy.
344
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,697
To oczywiście słabe porównanie,
ale daje radę.
345
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,786
Po prostu nie rozumiem.
346
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:50,332
Są geje, których nazywam „pieszczochami”.
347
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:54,169
Nie ma teraz zasad dla gejów.
348
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,129
Mogą robić, co chcą.
349
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:57,965
Szaleństwo.
350
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Żeby było jasne, tak trzymać,
ale sporo już trzymacie.
351
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:04,721
Serio!
352
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,932
No i są pieszczochy.
353
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,977
To tacy goście,
którzy podbiegną do dziewczyny,
354
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,604
chwycą za cycek
albo klepną w tyłek, mówiąc:
355
00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,523
„Świetnie wyglądasz, mała!”.
356
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Mnie to, kurwa, nie bawi. Ani trochę.
357
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Nie mam nic przeciwko byciu gejem,
żeby to było jasne,
358
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,202
ale wiecie, jak ciężko pracowałem,
żeby dotykać tych cycków?
359
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:33,333
Na ilu przyjęciach urodzinowych nie byłem?
Ilu straciłem przyjaciół?
360
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,254
Święta w Ohio...
361
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
A ty sobie klepiesz ot tak?
362
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,301
To niesprawiedliwe.
363
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:48,098
I to na naszych oczach.
Podchodzą, klepią i się śmieją.
364
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:49,975
Bo mogą.
365
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Ja bym tak nie robił.
366
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,272
Nie pociągnąłbym jego chłopaka za kutasa.
367
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,858
„Gary, nieźle. To nie dla mnie, ale rany”.
368
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Czemu?
369
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,285
Bo jestem hetero.
370
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,629
Pewne zasady nie są dla wszystkich
i tego nie rozumiem.
371
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
To po prostu nie ma sensu.
372
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,719
Ale nie mogę z tym walczyć,
bo już wiem, jak to się skończy.
373
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:28,764
Wielu facetów ma w głowie ten scenariusz.
374
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Zawsze przegrywam.
375
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Podchodzę do niego,
on klepie tyłek, chwyta za cycki,
376
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
zaczyna się śmiać, tańczy,
377
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,649
a ja mówię: „Kyle, kurwa, co jest?”
378
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,945
Wtedy Kyle postanawia się ujawnić i mówi:
379
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,614
„Rany, jestem gejem”.
380
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
I tyle. Wygrał. Tak wygląda cała dyskusja.
381
00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:54,122
Musisz powiedzieć:
„Wybacz, nie przeszkadzaj sobie.
382
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:57,501
Delikatnie albo gaz do dechy...”.
383
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,174
To dziwne, bo to działa tylko...
384
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
Tylko w relacji geja i dziewczyny hetero.
385
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:11,640
Nigdzie indziej.
Nie ma opcji gość hetero i lesbijka.
386
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,601
Nie chwycę lesbijki za cycka z hasłem:
387
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:16,937
„Spokojnie, też mi się to nie podoba”.
388
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
Często mam kłopoty.
389
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,575
Zatrzymała mnie dzisiaj policja.
390
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,079
Puszczacie w trakcie kontroli
Billy’ego Joela?
391
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Tak sobie wyobrażam kontrolę:
392
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:42,003
„Prawo jazdy i... Billy Joel!
Możesz jechać! Porządny z ciebie gość.
393
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Spodziewałem się,
że będzie leciał jakiś 2 Chainz”.
394
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,886
Kiedy nie działa, robi się niezręcznie.
395
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,305
Siedzisz sobie, a policjant:
396
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:55,517
„Prawo jazdy i...
Proszę wyłączyć Billa Withersa”.
397
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Często miewam kłopoty.
398
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Rok temu
miałem poważne kłopoty przez dowcip.
399
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
Wszystko przez to,
że zażartowałem z dżentelmena,
400
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,075
który nosi opaskę na oko, jest politykiem
i nazywa się Dan Crenshaw.
401
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,786
Nie sądziłem, że robię coś złego.
402
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:16,705
Ktoś przekręcił parę słów,
403
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
żeby gość mógł stać się sławny.
404
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,669
Ale ja...
405
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Tak było i chcę powiedzieć, że...
406
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Nie mam Twittera,
407
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
nie mam się gdzie tłumaczyć,
gdy tylko coś sknocę.
408
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,973
Więc uznałem, że nagram program
i wszystko wyjaśnię.
409
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
Bo mam zakaz korzystania z internetu.
410
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:42,939
Gdybym z niego korzystał,
na pewno wylądowałbym w więzieniu.
411
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:47,611
Zażartowałem z gościa z opaską na oko,
412
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:53,158
a potem musiałem go przeprosić,
bo zacząłem dostawać od ludzi pogróżki,
413
00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:55,118
mówili, że mnie zastrzelą.
414
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
Niestety,
to nie ja odebrałem telefon z pogróżkami.
415
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,374
Odebrała go moja współlokatorka...
416
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
Nie spodobało jej się to.
417
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:08,965
Uznała, że powinienem przeprosić,
418
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
żeby mnie nie zastrzelili.
419
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:14,346
No i...
420
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:19,351
Mój wkład w SNL
jest bardzo ograniczony.
421
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Widzieliście mnie kiedyś?
422
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:22,854
Pewnie nie,
423
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:27,734
bo mogę robić bardzo niewiele rzeczy.
424
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,113
Siedzieliśmy sobie i myśleliśmy:
„Kurwa, co byś mógł zrobić?
425
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,660
Jesteś z rodziny roastów,
często je robisz”.
426
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,412
No dobra, rodzina roastów, jasne.
427
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,460
„Może zrobisz roast polityków?
Wiesz, w ramach Weekend Update”.
428
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:47,045
A ja na to: „Zajebiście!
429
00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:50,757
Właśnie klepnąłem
kolejnych sześć odcinków! Rewelacja”.
430
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:55,929
Zasady są takie same jak w 8. mili.
431
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,430
Śmiejesz się z siebie,
432
00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:59,724
a potem wyśmiewasz wszystkich innych.
433
00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:04,646
Dostałem wielką kartkę
z różnymi portretami,
434
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
więc zacząłem pisać żarty.
435
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Ten gość, ta kobieta...
436
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
aż w końcu pojawił się Dan Crenshaw.
437
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,613
Gość ma opaskę na oku.
438
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:17,033
Więc uznałem,
że facet musi mieć poczucie humoru.
439
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,453
Nosi opaskę na oku!
440
00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,206
Tracąc oko, masz minimum trzy inne opcje.
441
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
Opaska na oko jest ostatnia, mówię serio.
442
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Najpierw szklane oko,
potem szklane oko i okulary,
443
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
potem są okulary przeciwsłoneczne
i dopiero opaska.
444
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Uznałem, że jest zabawny.
445
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Musi mieć poczucie humoru,
na pewno zrozumie.
446
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Więc pomyślałem,
że napiszę jakiś nieszkodliwy żart.
447
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Nic wielkiego, prawda?
448
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
„Gość wygląda jak zabójca w filmie porno”.
449
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Nieszkodliwy żart dla Saturday Night Live.
450
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:54,779
Pośmiałem się,
451
00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:56,489
proszę się zaraz zatrzymać.
452
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
To ja w taksówce.
453
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:02,203
Tam puszczają SNL.
454
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
To wytniemy.
455
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Nie ma problemu, ciągle to robimy.
Nie było tematu, wrócimy do pieprzenia.
456
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:14,966
Wracamy do pieprzenia i tyle.
457
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:21,973
Zawsze chciałem to zrobić.
458
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,893
Gratuluję, że się pieprzyliście.
459
00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:27,479
Dzięki, że wróciliście do oglądania.
460
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Wybaczcie...
461
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,862
Kiedy sam oglądałem Netflixa,
zawsze na to liczyłem.
462
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:43,662
Jak było? Spoko?
463
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,375
Na to liczyłeś? Mam nadzieję, że tak.
464
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:56,132
Oby tak, skurwysynu,
bo zatrzymałeś na żarcie z Crenshaw.
465
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,514
Dobrze się bawimy!
466
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Ja nie... Jest dobrze.
467
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:10,146
No to napisałem żarcik.
468
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:13,525
„Wygląda jak zabójca w filmie porno”.
Tylko tyle.
469
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Nawet o tym nie myślałem.
470
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Aż tu nagle,
471
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:22,033
tuż przed nagraniem jeden z moich kumpli,
z którym pisałem ten żart, mówi:
472
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
„Stary, sprawdziłem parę rzeczy.
473
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,414
- Teraz?
- No tak”.
474
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Każdy czeka do ostatniej chwili.
475
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
„Ten gość, Dan Crenshaw,
476
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,548
on chyba stracił oko na wojnie”.
477
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:39,467
Co? I słyszę: „Pete, teraz ty”.
478
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:40,427
Noż kurwa!
479
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,221
„Stary, poradzisz sobie świetnie.
480
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
Dobrze, że ty świecisz twarzą”.
481
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Wyszedłem i starałem się uważać,
482
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,232
co nie jest łatwe,
bo zawsze jestem na haju.
483
00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:58,778
Bycie uważnym
jest na szczycie listy trudnych rzeczy.
484
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Nie chodzi o uwagę w ogóle,
tylko taką znienacka.
485
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,660
Ktoś nagle coś robi a ty...
486
00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:09,748
Dziękuję 12 osobom, które zrozumiały.
487
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,502
Taki, kurwa, żart.
488
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,924
Mówiłem już,
każdy dostaje program od Netflixa.
489
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Stary, znowu zaruchałeś? Rewelacja!
490
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Dziękuję, że znowu wracasz.
491
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Doceniam to.
492
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Stary, musiało być spoko.
493
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
Ale serio? W takim momencie?
494
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
To już...
495
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,907
Też się dobrze bawię,
bo sam słyszę to po raz pierwszy.
496
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
Więc idę na plan,
497
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
ale kumpel powiedział mi o tym oku,
498
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
więc myślę sobie: „Muszę na to uważać”.
499
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Muszę przeprosić za ten żart.
500
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Uprzedzić fakty.
501
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
I rzeczywiście przeprosiłem.
502
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,469
Pamiętam to dokładnie.
503
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:07,096
Bardzo dokładnie to zapamiętałem.
504
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
„Dan Crenshaw
wygląda jak zabójca w filmie porno”.
505
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Reakcja publiczności była przeciętna,
506
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
ale od razu dodałem:
507
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,610
„Tak, wiem, ponoć stracił oko na wojnie,
czy gdzieś tam”.
508
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:22,445
Przez „gdzieś tam” usłyszałem:
509
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
„Nienawidzisz Ameryki!”.
510
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
A ja po prostu nie chciałem
podać nieprawdziwych informacji.
511
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
To przestępstwo?
512
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
Mógł je stracić gdzieś tam.
513
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:37,669
Nie wiem tego, to mógł być Afganistan,
to mógł być wypadek przy robieniu kanapki.
514
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Nie mam, niestety, skarbu kibica,
w którym był Crenshaw.
515
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:43,800
Nie mam jego statystyk i ciekawostek.
516
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Moja wina, ale tak się mówi.
517
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Próbowałem uważać, rozumiecie?
518
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,139
Generał Patton,
519
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,183
jeden z bohaterów Ameryki,
520
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
zginął w Niemczech tydzień po wojnie
w wypadku samochodowym.
521
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,607
Gdy mówimy o wielkim generale,
522
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,485
mówimy, że umarł na wojnie
albo gdzieś tam.
523
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
Tak jest prościej.
524
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
„Tak, wygrał wojnę,
ale potem ściął zakręt i...”.
525
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
Tak się mówi,
to nie znaczy, że nienawidzę Ameryki.
526
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:19,127
Wkurza mnie to, że według wielu osób
jego zwycięstwo to moja wina.
527
00:31:19,210 --> 00:31:20,253
Wcale nie.
528
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
Większość i tak już głosowała,
529
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
a gość jest Republikaninem,
ma opaskę na oko i jest z Teksasu.
530
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
To był pewniak i to od samego początku.
531
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Przewidziałbym to.
532
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:37,520
W Teksasie
głosują tylko na podstawie zdjęć.
533
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
To nie przeze mnie wygrał.
534
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
To wina Ameryki.
535
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,490
To teraz też.
536
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Nic dla niego nie zrobiłem.
537
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,290
Jestem winny jednej rzeczy,
za to przepraszam.
538
00:31:57,373 --> 00:32:00,835
Przeze mnie stał się sławny.
Jest rozpoznawalny bez powodu.
539
00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:04,005
To samo Ariana Grande zrobiła dla mnie.
540
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Właśnie.
541
00:32:06,591 --> 00:32:08,384
Czyli obciągnąłem mu w SNL.
542
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Miałem nie żartować na ten temat,
ale kumpel powiedział,
543
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
że Ariana opowiada,
jak to nie miała pojęcia, kim jestem,
544
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
a była ze mną po to, żeby się rozerwać.
545
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,403
Teraz chyba już mogę gadać.
546
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Tak że...
547
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
Nie klaszczcie.
548
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
To nie Drake kontra Lil Wayne.
549
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
To nie są zawody.
550
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Ona ma swoje piosenki i takie tam,
a ja mam tylko to.
551
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:41,167
I tyle, więc...
552
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Powiecie: „Pete, tak nie można,
pierzesz brudy.
553
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Jak możesz? Gdzie to mówiła?
554
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
Przyjaciołom? We własnym domu?”.
555
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Nie, mówiła to na okładce Vogue’a.
556
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Co by się stało, gdybym ja tak zrobił?
557
00:33:02,939 --> 00:33:04,440
Byłoby po mojej karierze.
558
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Gdybym pomalował się na brązowo,
559
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
wskoczył na okładkę Vogue’a
560
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,823
i obsmarował byłą.
561
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,116
Wyobraźcie to sobie...
562
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
To oklaski à la Drake kontra Lil Wayne.
563
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:17,870
Nie lubię tego. Wolę śmiechy.
564
00:33:18,454 --> 00:33:19,580
To żarty.
565
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Wyobrażacie sobie to?
566
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:25,712
„Ruchałem ją, bo się nudziłem.
Potem pojawił się Fortnite”.
567
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:26,796
Szaleństwo.
568
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
„Pete, na pewno za to odpowiedziała,
nie mogło się obyć bez reperkusji”.
569
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Wcale nie.
Billboard dał jej tytuł kobiety roku.
570
00:33:38,474 --> 00:33:42,145
A o mnie barstoolsport.com napisał,
że mam odbyty zamiast oczu.
571
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Życie bywa niesprawiedliwe.
572
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
To tylko żarty, nie chcę żadnych kłopotów.
573
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Najbardziej boję się tego,
że dostanę kulkę w tył głowy
574
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,416
od dziewięciolatki z kucykiem.
575
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
Ostatnie słowa, które usłyszę to:
„Hashtag po nim”.
576
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:09,505
I strzał w potylicę.
577
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,597
Żeby było jasne,
nie chcę przypału od dziewięciolatek.
578
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,851
Ale prawda jest taka,
579
00:34:21,934 --> 00:34:25,855
że Ariana jest bardzo wpływową kobietą.
580
00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:27,065
I bardzo mądrą.
581
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,443
To niezbędne,
żeby zepsuć komuś Starbucksa.
582
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:35,990
Wszedłem ostatnio do Starbucksa,
poprosiłem o kawę, a gość zareagował tak:
583
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Jeb się, pójdę do Dunkin’ Donuts.
584
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Czemu wszystkie zamykają?
Gdzie go znajdę?
585
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Wiele osób pyta, jak to wyglądało.
586
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
Jak każde inne rozstanie,
tylko że wszyscy się gapili.
587
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Nie do końca wiedziałem, w co się pakuję.
588
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Trochę tak,
ale nie znałem pełnego zakresu.
589
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Gdybym go znał,
od razu poszedłbym do dermatologa.
590
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,236
Zabezpieczyłbym się,
ale tego nie zrobiłem.
591
00:35:13,319 --> 00:35:17,240
Rozstanie jak rozstanie.
Siadasz z kumplami, oni cię okłamują.
592
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:20,535
„Stary, ludzie nie mają pojęcia,
kim ona w ogóle jest.
593
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:25,998
Serio, upiekło ci się, naprawdę”.
594
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:27,750
Wtedy wyszła ta piosenka.
595
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:32,004
Kumple mówili: „Stary, uwielbiam cię,
ale to wpada w ucho.
596
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Naprawdę wpada w ucho,
przed tobą trudny okres.
597
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,720
Tak się składa,
że lubię tę piosenkę, wybacz.
598
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Lubię cię, ale...”.
599
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Dziadek powiedział mi: „To jest sztos.
600
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, ta piosenka to sztos. Przykro mi.
601
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
To świetny kawałek,
a ja nie słucham takiego chłamu”.
602
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Kurwa, czaję!
603
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Jest jedna rzecz,
która mi się w tym wszystkim nie podoba.
604
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
Wiele osób źle to odbiera.
605
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,919
Nie podoba mi się to,
co mówiła na temat mojego kutasa.
606
00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:13,588
To było bardzo dziwne.
607
00:36:14,213 --> 00:36:17,258
„Nie wyszło nam, ale kutasa miał spoko”.
608
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
To było dziwne, bo wszyscy reagowali tak:
609
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,182
„Rany, jaka miła dziewczyna”.
610
00:36:25,474 --> 00:36:28,394
Po pierwsze,
musimy spojrzeć na to z perspektywy.
611
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:32,940
Wyobraźcie sobie, że ja to mówię.
„Nie wyszło nam, ale ta cipka!
612
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,483
Rany, ależ wilgotna!
613
00:36:36,152 --> 00:36:37,820
Świetna cipka, ale wybacz”.
614
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,412
To niedorzeczne.
615
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,749
I co mam zrobić?
616
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Tylko o to mi chodzi.
617
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:56,756
Nie podoba mi się to wszystko,
bo to nie prawda.
618
00:36:57,632 --> 00:36:58,549
Serio.
619
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:01,719
Ona ma po prostu malutkie dłonie.
620
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:03,012
Malutkie rączki.
621
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Wszystko jest dla niej ogromne.
622
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:08,434
Cały czas się z tego śmialiśmy.
623
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
„Dla ciebie ogromny, dla innych mały.
Ale zajebiście!”.
624
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Rozumiecie?
625
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Jeśli dobrze o tym wie,
626
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
to po co mówi wszystkim,
że masz ogromnego penisa?
627
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:24,700
Po co to robić?
628
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:27,078
Ludzie myślą:
629
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,499
„Ale jest miła. Nie wyszło im,
a ona i tak mówi o nim dobre rzeczy.
630
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
Każdy wie o jego zacnym penisie”.
631
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,962
Nie w tym rzecz.
632
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Zrobiła to, bo...
633
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
To geniusz, nie zapominajmy,
że jest bardzo mądra.
634
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Od teraz do końca mojego życia
każda kobieta, która zobaczy mojego fiuta,
635
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,224
będzie zawiedziona.
636
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
Genialne!
637
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,648
Porażka na całe życie.
638
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Na zawsze.
639
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
Nie mogłem się nacieszyć
„latem wielkiego kutasa”.
640
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,329
Przestańcie pisać takie rzeczy.
Moja rodzina umie czytać.
641
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,790
Moja biedna matka.
642
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Teraz parę żartów o 11 września
i spierdalam.
643
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:19,755
Co wy na to? Rewelacja.
644
00:38:19,839 --> 00:38:22,758
Tylko teraz wolno klaskać
z okazji 11 września.
645
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Mój tata zmarł 11 września.
646
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:31,767
Ponoć muszę to mówić przed żartami,
bo nie każdy to wie.
647
00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:36,063
Nie zgadzam się,
moim zdaniem lepiej nic nie mówić,
648
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,025
bo wtedy atmosfera robi się niezręczna.
649
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,362
Wygrałem. Miałem rację.
650
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,284
Kiedy ginie twój tata,
który pracował dla rządu albo dla kraju...
651
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,328
Sam nie wiem, był strażakiem.
652
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Czasami rodzina dostaje trochę kasy.
653
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Nie dużo, tylko trochę.
654
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:03,341
Dostaliśmy trochę kasy i mama
chciała pocieszyć mnie i moją siostrę.
655
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:06,093
Dlatego chciała kupić basen...
656
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:08,429
za te pieniądze.
657
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Uznała, że kupi nam basen,
658
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,270
wtedy każdy
będzie chciał się z nami kolegować.
659
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,273
To bardzo mroczne.
660
00:39:20,316 --> 00:39:21,942
Pływanie w basenie śmierci.
661
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:28,741
To miły pomysł,
ale skoki na bombę byłyby niezręczne.
662
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,294
Pływałbym codziennie,
pytając taty, czy dobrze to robię.
663
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,882
Mama kupiła nam basen.
664
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:47,635
Kiedy tata umarł, miałem siedem lat.
665
00:39:48,094 --> 00:39:51,389
Dzieci tego nie chwytają,
nie wiedzą, co się dzieje.
666
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:54,892
Dostałem basen, a dzieci w szkole mówiły:
667
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
„Ale masz fart, stary.
Jesteście bogaci, macie basen”.
668
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
Ale fart, mam basen,
669
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,610
który co lato napełniam łzami.
670
00:40:04,693 --> 00:40:08,280
Jesteś bogaty,
gdy możesz pływać we własnym smutku.
671
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Dziękuję Bogu,
że Osama nie wyłączył budzika,
672
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
bo nie miałbym basenu!
673
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Wybacz. Wpadnij po szkole.
674
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,586
Hej, Jason, tego nie wycinamy.
675
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:29,718
Latem nagrywałem materiały o moim tacie.
676
00:40:30,177 --> 00:40:33,597
Musiałem się o nim czegoś dowiedzieć,
677
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
więc spędzałem czas z jego kumplami.
678
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,394
Jestem ze Staten Island, jak mój ojciec.
679
00:40:38,477 --> 00:40:40,104
Jego kumple są jak ja.
680
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
To śmiecie.
681
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Ludzie śmieci, dosłownie.
682
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Jesteśmy znani
z największego wysypiska na świecie,
683
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
które widać z kosmosu.
684
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Taksówkarz ci to powie,
wjeżdżając na Staten Island.
685
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,290
„Wie pan,
że to tu jest największe wysypisko?”.
686
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,375
A mógłby pokazywać drzewa...
687
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
Nasuwa się wtedy pytanie,
co się stało z tym wysypiskiem.
688
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
Cóż, zbudowali tam park.
689
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
I to nie tak,
że najpierw pozbyli się śmieci.
690
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Skąd, po prostu zbudowali na nich park.
691
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,520
Za dziesięć lat,
gdy wszystko zacznie się sypać,
692
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,315
dzieciaki będą się kaleczyć
na starych hondach.
693
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Chcę wyjaśnić,
kim są ludzie ze Staten Island.
694
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
To był słaby przykład.
695
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
Wyobraźcie sobie czerwone Marlboro,
które wrzuciliście do wanny,
696
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
a one ożyły.
697
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
To...
698
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
To jest...
699
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
To jest właśnie gość ze Staten Island.
700
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:54,178
Musiałem spotkać się z jego przyjaciółmi.
701
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,141
Wszystkie historie taty
słyszałem jako siedmiolatek.
702
00:41:59,225 --> 00:42:02,561
To, co mi opowiadali,
bardzo się różniło od tego,
703
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
co słyszałem wcześniej.
704
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:10,486
Serio, nie wiem już, kim ten facet był.
Dam wam przykład.
705
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Kiedy byłem mały, wszyscy mówili:
706
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
„Z twojego ojca był gość.
707
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,536
Razem graliśmy w kosza
i odrabialiśmy zadania domowe.
708
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Zawsze dojadał obiad do końca.
709
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Zawsze dojadał do końca!
710
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Kończ obiad!”.
711
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Czemu?
712
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Zrozumiałem coś.
713
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,970
Już wiem, czemu dla dzieci
kończenie obiadu jest tak trudne.
714
00:42:36,053 --> 00:42:39,056
Dorośli nakładają dzieciom
takie porcje jak sobie,
715
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:41,100
a dzieci są trzy razy mniejsze.
716
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:45,104
Po jednej trzeciej dzieciak jest pełny,
a krzyczenie nie pomaga.
717
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Przez to wszyscy robimy się grubi.
718
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Mama zawsze mówiła:
„W Afryce dzieci głodują”.
719
00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:55,155
Zawsze mówiła to samo,
żebym poczuł się winny.
720
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:59,868
Może i głodują, ale po części tej porcji
dzieciak z Afryki stwierdziłby:
721
00:42:59,952 --> 00:43:01,036
„Jestem pełny”.
722
00:43:04,331 --> 00:43:07,501
Połowa sali uznała, że to zabawne,
723
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
a druga się zastanawia,
czy mogę tak żartować.
724
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,258
Dowiemy się z Twittera,
prawdziwej wyroczni.
725
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,095
Twitter to nowe bramy raju.
726
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,849
To tam ważą się losy ludzi.
727
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,730
Musiałem spotkać się z kumplami taty,
więc poprosiłem ich,
728
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:30,441
żeby coś o nim opowiedzieli i zaczęło się:
729
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
„Cały czas wciągaliśmy koks!”.
730
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
Że co?
731
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,493
„Wybacz! Miałem ci tego nie mówić?”.
732
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
Mówię: „Nie ma sprawy,
ale nie spodziewałem się tego.
733
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
W dzieciństwie słyszałem,
że ciągle grał w kosza,
734
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
odrabiał zadanie
i zawsze kończył swoją porcję.
735
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
To ostatnie w sumie dalej się zgadza”.
736
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Nie byłem na to gotowy, a on idzie dalej:
„Mam cię chronić?
737
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:05,768
Za dużo informacji?”.
738
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:07,519
To mówię, że nie.
739
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
Po prostu kiedyś tata był moim bohaterem,
740
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
ale nie sądziłem, że był superbohaterem.
741
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Nie wiedziałem, że był tak spoko.
742
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Prawdziwy facet z lat 90.
Wciągał koks i gasił pożary, mistrz.
743
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:22,076
Ależ byłem dumny.
744
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:24,203
Ależ się uśmiechnąłem
745
00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:26,163
Wyobraźcie to sobie:
746
00:44:26,246 --> 00:44:31,251
pali wam się dom, podjeżdżają strażacy,
jeden gość biegnie do hydrantu,
747
00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:35,005
drugi mówi, że zabezpieczy teren,
a mój tata krzyczy:
748
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:37,132
„Napierdalamy!
749
00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:40,219
Bez kasku!”.
750
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Dzięki.
751
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Miłej nocy, dzięki.
752
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,182
Dzięki za przyjście.
753
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Dziękuję.
754
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
JAK ŻYĆ Z WIELKIM PENISEM
755
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON
WYPRZEDANY
756
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:40,863
Wiem, już po występie,
ale chcę wam coś powiedzieć.
757
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Chcę wam coś przekazać.
758
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:48,120
To jedna z dwóch historii,
które słyszałem o moim tacie.
759
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,749
Siedzę sobie z tym gościem,
760
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:57,129
opowiedział mi już historię o koksie,
to spytałem, czy zna jeszcze jakąś.
761
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
Miał jeszcze jedną.
762
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:00,048
No dobra.
763
00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:03,427
„Pewnego razu...”.
764
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:06,805
Tak właśnie mówił.
Nie myślcie, że go sobie wymyśliłem.
765
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:10,559
To by było zawstydzające,
naprawdę tak mówi.
766
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
„Pewnego razu byliśmy z twoim ojcem
na weselu w Poconos, prawda?”.
767
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Poconos to Bahamy dla białych śmieci.
768
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
Tam jedziesz, żeby naprawić małżeństwo.
769
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:26,116
Ruchanie w wannie w kształcie serca,
a łóżko się trzęsie, jak wrzucisz monetę.
770
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,577
„Zaraz się rozpadnie! Jak nasze życie!”.
771
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:33,457
No i...
772
00:46:33,999 --> 00:46:35,918
„Jesteśmy w Poconos, prawda?
773
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Jesteśmy na weselu, prawda?
774
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:42,716
Dobrze się bawimy, tańczymy, chlejemy.
775
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:44,092
Solidnie chlejemy”.
776
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:45,385
Super, stary.
777
00:46:46,011 --> 00:46:47,471
Historia z 1987.
778
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,264
Był dumny, że tyle chlali.
779
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
„Jesteśmy z twoim ojcem na weselu.
780
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
Mieliśmy wspólny pokój,
781
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
ale w pewnym momencie
chciałem przelecieć jedną laskę, prawda?”.
782
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,696
Kończył każde swoje zdanie tak,
783
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,908
jak bym miał mu powiedzieć,
że wcale tak nie było.
784
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Nie znam tej historii, więc prawda.
785
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
„Chcę ją przelecieć,
ale muszę znaleźć twojego tatę, prawda?
786
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,294
Chodzę i szukam: »Scott, gdzie jesteś?
787
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,590
Gdzie jesteś? Nigdzie cię nie widzę«”.
788
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:26,718
Odegrał mi tę scenkę.
789
00:47:28,762 --> 00:47:32,808
Potem mówi:
„Uznałem, że pewnie się z kimś rucha.
790
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Więc wracam do pokoju, prawda?
Twojego ojca tam nie ma, prawda?
791
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,107
Jestem z laską, prawda?
Zaczynamy się ruchać, prawda?
792
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,735
I jest zajebiście,
ruchamy się na sto sposobów.
793
00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:47,364
Najpierw tutaj, potem doszła tam,
potem w łazience”.
794
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,451
Moment, gdzie w tej historii
jest mój tata?
795
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,956
Pamiętasz zadziwiająco dużo detali
jak na historię o ruchaniu z 1987.
796
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
„Spokojnie, za chwilę, nie chciałem,
żebyś miał mnie za mięczaka”.
797
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
Dobra, wiem, nie jesteś mięczakiem.
798
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
„No i się ruchamy, prawda?
799
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Wiesz, ona dochodzi, ja dochodzę.
800
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Ona pierwsza, to jasne,
ale potem kończymy.
801
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,685
Leżymy sobie w tym wszystkim...
802
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
Nagle widzę, że na drugim końcu pokoju
803
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
żarzy się papieros.
804
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Włączam światło, a to twój tata!
805
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
»Scott! Szukałem cię!«
806
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,660
A on na to: »Dzięki za darmowy pokaz«.
807
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,248
To właśnie twój tata.
808
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
Świetna historia, prawda?”.
809
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
Nie!
810
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Mam nadzieję,
że nie opowiadasz tego ludziom!
811
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
Ona żyje? Muszę ją znaleźć i jej zapłacić.
812
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
Po co mi ta informacja?
813
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,643
Dziękuję, że wpadliście. Dobranoc. Dzięki.
814
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Napisy: Jędrzej Kogut
1
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:10,760
O Louis CK tentou despedir-me do SNL
no meu primeiro ano. E vou falar disso.
2
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Portanto, estávamos em 2014 ou 2015,
e era o último programa da temporada.
3
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
E estava tão chocado e feliz
por não ter sido despedido...
4
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:25,275
É uma sensação que revivo
todas as semanas.
5
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,863
É mesmo espetacular.
Ainda não acredito. É muito engraçado.
6
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Eu estava só a comemorar.
7
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
O Louis CK era o apresentador
e, na altura,
8
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:38,079
ele era um comediante muito respeitado.
9
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,583
Nessa altura. Pois.
10
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Na altura, era merecedor de admiração,
alguém de quem quereríamos aprovação.
11
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:47,172
Na altura.
12
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,428
Na altura, ele era alguém que gostávamos
que fosse simpático connosco.
13
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Enfim, ele era o apresentador
e eu estava encantado.
14
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,559
Por isso, fumei um charro
15
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
no meu camarim,
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
e quando ia a sair para os elevadores,
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
o Louis CK estava rodeado de gente,
18
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
a falar com pessoal do elenco,
colaboradores
19
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
e pessoas fixes. E percebia-se
que estavam entretidos a conversar.
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
E eu pensei: "Não me quero meter nisto.
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Estou pedrado.
Não quero estragar a cena a ninguém.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,832
Não quero que ele saiba que eu existo."
23
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,461
Portanto, pus o capuz e fechei-o bem,
24
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
e fui até ao outro lado dos elevadores
25
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
para não os atrapalhar.
26
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Carreguei no botão e fiquei à espera.
27
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
E, de repente, o Louis CK para de falar.
28
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:43,103
Olha para cima, aponta para mim e diz:
"O idiota de merda do Pete está mocado!
29
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Anda a apanhar mocas no trabalho.
Parvo de merda.
30
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
Vais queimar a tua carreira. Idiota."
31
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,196
E eu estava tão mocado que pensei:
"Isto não aconteceu.
32
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Não.
33
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Não.
34
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
O problema é meu, de certeza.
35
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:04,290
Ele deve ter dito: 'Até amanhã, campeão.'
Eu provavelmente..."
36
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,463
No dia seguinte, fui trabalhar e recebi
uma chamada do gabinete do Lorne Michaels.
37
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
Fiquei alarmado
porque já trabalhava lá há um ano
38
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
e nunca me tinham contactado
do gabinete dele.
39
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Pensei: "Merda." Sabem?
Eu atendi o telefone e disseram-me:
40
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"O Louis acabou de sair do gabinete
do Lorne, foi lá falar de ti.
41
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
E agora o Lorne quer falar contigo."
Eu pensei: "Foda-se. Está bem."
42
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Pensei que me ia despedir.
43
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Foi isso que pensei
e estava a tentar animar-me.
44
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Pensei:
45
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
"Que se fodam.
Eles é que fazem figura de parvos.
46
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,121
Contrataram-te e despediram-te.
Erraram duas vezes."
47
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:46,499
Foda-se, pois é.
Um gajo podia esgueirar-se lá para o fundo
48
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,752
que ninguém dava conta, foda-se.
Estão todos a cagar-se.
49
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Então, eu estava a entrar
no gabinete dele, a tentar animar-me,
50
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
e, quando abri a porta,
o Lorne estava sentado.
51
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
Tinha um ar muito baralhado,
52
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
tal como eu,
porque é esse o meu aspeto normal.
53
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
É como se me tivessem pedido
para fazer uma conta de dividir.
54
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Bom, ele parecia muito baralhado
e mandou-me sentar.
55
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
Então, eu sentei-me, e ele diz: "Pois é...
56
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
O Louis veio cá dizer-me
que tu fumas erva."
57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
E eu disse: "Sim!
58
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,176
Os rumores que ouviste são verdadeiros."
59
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
Pelo olhar ele, parecia desanimado,
60
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
como se não soubesse o que dizer.
O olhar dele dizia:
61
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Desculpa estar a dizer-te isto,
62
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
mas o Louis fez queixa de ti
e disse-me para falar contigo,
63
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,733
e, pessoalmente, não acho que seja grave,
64
00:03:53,816 --> 00:03:57,237
porque a malta aqui até dava na coca.
No fundo, acho que és fraquinho.
65
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Desculpa lá estar a dizer-te isto."
66
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:04,827
Li isso nos olhos dele, e eu disse
com os meus olhos: "É isso, mano."
67
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
Foi constrangedor por mais um segundo
e depois ficámos em silêncio.
68
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:15,421
Até que ele diz: "Pois, então,
acho que poderias fazer...
69
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,924
Como ele disse que fumas muita erva,
70
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,512
talvez pudesses ter atenção
à quantidade de erva que fumas."
71
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
E eu disse: "Está bem, vou ter atenção.
72
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Nunca mais a perco de vista.
73
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Na boa. Sou um homem de palavra."
74
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
E eu disse... ele disse: "Sim.
75
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
mais uma vez, peço desculpa
por estar a ter esta conversa contigo,
76
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:40,989
mas o Louis comentou isso,
disse que estás a queimar a tua carreira,
77
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,618
que fumaste tanta erva no outro dia
que ele se sentiu incomodado."
78
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
E eu disse: "Merda! A sério?"
E ele respondeu que sim.
79
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
E eu disse: "Então, estou despedido?"
80
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,045
E ele respondeu: "Não."
E eu perguntei-lhe porquê.
81
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
E ele respondeu: "Não sei."
82
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,678
Mais uma vez, esta é uma conversa
que temos todos os anos.
83
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,471
"É este o ano?"
84
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
"Não sei. Ainda não.
Logo vemos. Não sei."
85
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
E eu fiquei arrasado. Tive de sair
do gabinete com essa na cabeça,
86
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
que o Louis CK não gostava de mim.
87
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Um dos melhores comediantes de sempre,
88
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
e especialmente nessa altura,
era um dos...
89
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Fiquei arrasado! Pensei:
"Porque ando a fazer stand-up
90
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
se este tipo não gosta de mim?"
Eu queria a aprovação dele
91
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:38,713
e pensei: "Este tipo não me curte
porque fumo erva? Que cena lixada."
92
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
E tive de engolir isso durante cinco anos.
93
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,470
E, depois, numa manhã gloriosa...
94
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
... acordei
95
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:56,314
e li que o Louis CK se masturbava
à frente de mulheres.
96
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
E pensei: "Boa."
97
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Vocês entendem.
Não queria que isso tivesse acontecido,
98
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
mas, se tinha de acontecer a alguém,
ainda bem que foi a ele. Faz sentido?
99
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Está bem.
100
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Não, é que...
101
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Deixem-me explicar a doideira que é
bater uma pívia sozinho, sim?
102
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Façam de conta que estão comigo no quarto.
103
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Pode ser?
104
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
É estranho masturbarmo-nos sozinhos.
105
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
Já vos aconteceu estar a bater uma
há muito tempo sem se virem
106
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
e pensarem: "És mesmo um desgraçado.
107
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,017
Nem sozinho chegas lá.
108
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:36,521
Porque achas que outra pessoa
faria sexo contigo?"
109
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
E quando nos vemos ao espelho?
110
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,026
Isso já me aconteceu porque sou estúpido.
111
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,238
Nunca mais aconteceu,
agora masturbo-me no escuro.
112
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
É verdade.
113
00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:49,951
Viro o ecrã do telemóvel para baixo,
não vá receber mensagens
114
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:54,038
que iluminem o espelho
e, depois, vejo-me a bater uma no canto.
115
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,623
Os piores SMS são das mães.
116
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Já tentaram bater uma após receber
um SMS da vossa mãe? É quase impossível.
117
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:05,883
Não disse que é impossível, mas é quase.
Foi das coisas mais difíceis que já fiz.
118
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Mas pronto, fiquei aborrecido
quando soube essas merdas
119
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,018
porque tive pena das mulheres
que o viram masturbar-se.
120
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
É muito triste
porque elas ficaram muito afetadas,
121
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:23,109
e se soubessem que, quando o Louis
tirou a pila para fora
122
00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:26,571
e começou a sacudi-la, bastava
acenderem um charro para ele dizer:
123
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
"Foda-se! Isso é erva?
Com um caraças, suas nojentas.
124
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Vou fazer queixa de vocês,
seus montes de merda. Foda-se.
125
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Vais queimar a tua carreira."
126
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Um amigo que eu apoio financeiramente
teve um filho,
127
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:52,221
por isso, agora sou pai.
128
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,726
Sim, não estava propriamente preparado.
129
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Ele ligou-me todo entusiasmado.
Disse-me: "Meu, tenho ótimas notícias."
130
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:05,151
Eu disse-lhe: "Arranjaste emprego?"
E ele disse-me: "Não, meu, tive um filho."
131
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,863
E eu disse-lhe: "Isso é precisamente
o oposto de um emprego."
132
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,784
Estou desejoso de ter um filho.
133
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Acho que não é muito difícil, de todo.
Todos os meus amigos estão a ter filhos
134
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
e queixam-se de coisas
que não me incomodam muito.
135
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,214
Queixam-se todos do mesmo.
"Meu, aquilo chora!"
136
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
E eu digo-lhes
para irem para outra divisão.
137
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,890
Não há nada que não chore. Estão a ver?
Tentamos que pare de chorar e saímos.
138
00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:39,519
Eu farto-me de chorar. Os meus amigos
só dizem: "Tenho de ir trabalhar.
139
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,479
Foda-se, orienta-te. Larga a internet."
140
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,319
Portanto, dizem que o bebé chora.
E a outra coisa de que se queixam é:
141
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:52,365
"Ouve, passa a vida a cagar."
Isso também não me incomoda
142
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,742
porque eu também passo a vida a cagar.
143
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Portanto, não me importo
de limpar um cocó pequeno.
144
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,625
E quando limpamos os miúdos,
às vezes, vemos partes
145
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,878
que poderemos não ter limpado
em nós próprios. Sim.
146
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Do género: "Nunca vi
o meu olho do cu deste ângulo.
147
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
Quando sair do chuveiro,
vou limpar este cantinho."
148
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Saímos do duche e dizemos:
149
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:19,100
"Filho da mãe."
150
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,691
Adoro cuidar de crianças,
151
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,236
porque tomo microdoses de cogumelos
e falo a língua dos bebés.
152
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,323
Sim, adoro. Eles falam, entendem?
153
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,618
No outro dia, o meu sobrinho disse...
154
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:41,539
... e eu pensei: "Forensic Files.
Entendi-te." Por isso...
155
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,711
Adoro cogumelos. Dão-nos a sensação
de estarmos numa montanha-russa
156
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,797
quando se sobe, mas nunca se desce.
157
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,633
É só a subida: "Isto é brutal!
158
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Isto é fantástico! Nem acredito
que estamos a fazer isto. Meu Deus!"
159
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,556
Isto durante quatro horas.
160
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Aconteceu uma cena estranha quando estava
a tomar conta de uma criança no outro dia.
161
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Estão a nascer os dentes
ao filho de um amigo meu.
162
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
E estávamos a ver Forensic Files
163
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
e eu estava sentado...
Como lhe estão a nascer os dentes,
164
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
ele agarrou-me na mão
e começou a chupar-me os dedos,
165
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
mas a chupar bem.
166
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Do género...
167
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
Deixei lá ficar o dedo por um segundo.
168
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,802
Eu disse: "Não! É ótimo, mas não!"
169
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,145
Sei que nem todos apreciam esta piada.
170
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,815
Eu sei. Não é a primeira vez que a digo.
171
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,906
Sei que é estranho dizer piadas destas,
mas isto é um clube de comédia.
172
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Seria estranho se fosse
uma reunião da Câmara Municipal
173
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
e eu agarrasse no microfone e dissesse:
"Pessoal, queria propor umas ideias.
174
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,626
Pronto, vou apanhar uma moca
no estacionamento."
175
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,467
As miúdas deviam dizer aos rapazes
como fazê-las ter um orgasmo.
176
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Na primeira vez que fazem sexo.
Uma espécie de sessão de informação.
177
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Porque aparentemente todas as raparigas
são diferentes, pelo que já percebi.
178
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Todas são diferentes e acho
que uma delas está morta por dentro.
179
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
"Não, acho que estás toda lixada."
180
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Não, é verdade.
181
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Desculpem. Não sei.
Às vezes, dizemos coisas patetas.
182
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
As miúdas deviam dizer-nos
como fazê-las ter orgasmos.
183
00:11:56,924 --> 00:12:01,220
Não quando estão confortáveis.
Descansem, o tipo não vai ficar magoado.
184
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Não nos magoam.
Podemos estar a meio da queca
185
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
e podiam dizer: "Odeio isto",
e nós diríamos:
186
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"Que tal assim? É bom? Já esqueci."
É como se não tivesse acontecido. Topam?
187
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:17,737
Deviam dizer-lhe. Acho que as cenas
dos homens são muito óbvias.
188
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:22,867
Basta puxar-lhes a pila e sai porcaria.
É muito fácil. Até o meu filho fazia isso.
189
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,419
Mas, pelos vistos, não é muito difícil
fazer as raparigas virem-se.
190
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:37,256
Se suas e ficas sem fôlego, ouvi dizer
que é porque não fizeste bem a coisa.
191
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,967
Mas tudo o que sei vem da pornografia,
192
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
porque fui criado só com a minha mãe
e uma irmã.
193
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,014
Nunca tivemos essa conversa.
194
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:49,602
Nunca tive aquele jantar
em que me sentisse à vontade
195
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,395
para dizer: "Malta...
196
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,816
... se eu não fosse vosso filho
ou irmão..."
197
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Portanto, aprendi tudo
através da pornografia,
198
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,535
em que há muita agitação e gritos e...
199
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Às vezes, tira-se a pila
e faz-se umas flexões,
200
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
para depois voltar.... Desculpem.
201
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Portanto, eu não sabia.
Mas, felizmente, uma mulher disse-me
202
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
que, aparentemente há uma coisinha
na vagina.
203
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
É como um círculo.
É mais ou menos... Sabem a cena do boxe?
204
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Parece aquela cena que fica assim.
205
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Aquele saco de treino.
206
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Aquela cena onde os gajos batem devagar
ou muito depressa.
207
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
E, aparentemente, a vagina é igual.
208
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,281
Tocamos ao de leve naquilo...
209
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,744
... ou damos-lhe com força.
Pelos vistos, pode ser ambas as coisas.
210
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
Sim. Nem temos de mudar de roupa.
211
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Mas deviam dizer ao gajo, entendem?
212
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,131
Como eu disse,
as cenas dos gajos são óbvias.
213
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
Mas se me puxassem as calças
e me dessem socos na pila,
214
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
eu dizia: "Foda-se,
espero que ela perceba!
215
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Não para.
216
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,107
Mas quem te mandou? O que é isto?
217
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
É uma tentativa de homicídio?"
218
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Há uma coisa de que os homens não gostam,
mas têm receio de dizer às mulheres.
219
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,998
Estão a ver? Porque estamos
mesmo quase a dar uma bombada...
220
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Não há muitas expressões
que descrevam isso,
221
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,755
por isso, "dar uma bombada" é...
a mais apropriada...
222
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,676
Isto vai passar na Nickelodeon. Sim.
223
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:50,180
É por isso que vesti um fato,
porque normalmente não uso.
224
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Visto-me como se estivesse à espera
de levar com slime.
225
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:03,861
Mas encontrei um fato de senhora giro
na Banana Republic, e estou a arrasar.
226
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Pareço uma mulher
que finalmente se refez do divórcio.
227
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Não voltes.
228
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,375
Agora tenho um repertório."
229
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Pois, mas isto é algo
de que nenhum homem gosta.
230
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Sabem quando uma rapariga se põe
em cima de nós, antes de enfiar a pila?
231
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,474
Mais uma vez,
sei que não é a melhor descrição,
232
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:39,063
mas já tentei outras cinco expressões
e "enfiar a pila" é a melhor, de longe.
233
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,068
Podem imaginar como as outras quatro
eram horríveis, certo?
234
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:46,028
Assim já parece melhor.
235
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Pois, sabem quando estão em cima de nós,
antes de enfiarem a pila lá dentro?
236
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,534
Veem? Pois é.
237
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
Pois, era o que eu estava a dizer.
238
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,915
Sabem quando estão por cima,
antes de enfiarem a pila?
239
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Algumas raparigas, a maioria,
começam a esfregar-se na pila
240
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
antes de a enfiarem.
E dizem: "Sim. Gostas disto?"
241
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Não, não gostamos. Dói como o caralho.
Todas as raparigas, parem de fazer isso.
242
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,641
Por favor, enfiem e pronto.
243
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Dói como o caralho.
244
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:22,815
Dói! Porque mesmo que ela depile
aquela zona, aquilo arranha.
245
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
E depois começa a esfregar-se
contra a nossa pilinha.
246
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Essa merda dói.
247
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
"Gostas disto?"
248
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"Não. Já te puxaram a pele dos braços?
É a mesma sensação.
249
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,664
Pareces o amigo estranho da minha mãe
que fazia isso quando ela não estava."
250
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Toda a gente se lembra
desse amigo estranho.
251
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,465
A malta ia dormir e ele dizia:
"Puto, já te puxaram a pele dos braços?"
252
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:53,012
E nós: "Não." No início, tinha piada,
mas depois já só queríamos que parasse.
253
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,690
Sim. Nenhum gajo gosta disso, sim?
254
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:10,154
É uma sensação péssima, parece lixa.
Acho que as raparigas não dão conta
255
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:14,116
porque as nossas caras de prazer e de dor
são praticamente iguais quando fodemos.
256
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,452
São ambas... Por isso, acho que...
257
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,746
Mas dói muito.
258
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
E, de repente,
ficamos com a pila toda gretada
259
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
e desfeita e, no dia seguinte, acordamos
260
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,507
e pensamos: "Foda-se,
mas o que é isto? O que é isto?
261
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,471
É uma doença sexualmente transmissível
que ataca em 24 horas? É de loucos."
262
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:38,057
E depois vou ao médico e digo:
"Meu, o que é isto?"
263
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,227
E ele responde: "Tem de aprender a foder."
E eu: "O quê? Mas o que é isto?"
264
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,608
Os médicos de Staten Island
são muito diferentes.
265
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Não sei. Eu...
266
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:57,117
Tenho muitos amigos gays.
267
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Gosto deles porque acho
que não existe relação mais honesta
268
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:06,418
do que a relação entre um gay e um hétero,
porque ninguém tem nada a ganhar.
269
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
Por isso, é pura honestidade.
270
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
E os gays são as pessoas mais honestas
do mundo,
271
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
mas também são mauzinhos, mas...
272
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:19,139
Podemos dizer que são honestos,
mas são muito mauzinhos.
273
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Dou-vos um exemplo.
274
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,436
Saí de casa da minha mãe...
Bem, a casa também é minha.
275
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,023
Vão-se foder.
Não devo explicações. Está bem?
276
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
Estou à vontade com a minha situação.
277
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Pois é. Adoro viver com a minha mãe.
Porque vivo na cave.
278
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,664
É um apartamento...
279
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,170
Tem o piso superior,
a que chamamos área comum,
280
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,714
porque somos colegas de quarto.
281
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Tenho a minha entrada no piso inferior,
diz "Entrada...
282
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
... do Pete".
283
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,515
Sim, é verdade.
284
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
É mesmo fixe. Tenho montes de rebuçados.
285
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Vocês riem-se,
mas só a malta fixe é que pode entrar lá.
286
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,947
A minha mãe bate à porta.
287
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Sim, nunca entra sem pedir licença.
Bate sempre à porta.
288
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,205
Enfim...
289
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Além disso, todas as minhas namoradas
têm montes de amigos gays, certo?
290
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Mas há sempre um amigo gay
que eu acho que não é nada gay.
291
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:38,802
As miúdas riem-se, mas os gajos dizem:
"Pois, o Kyle. Ele que se foda.
292
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,514
Não posso com esse gajo.
Não posso dizer nada, mas quero."
293
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:48,312
Se não estão a perceber, esse é o tipo
de que o vosso namorado fala:
294
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:51,315
"Olha lá, mas qual é a cena do Kyle?
295
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Esse tipo não te larga."
296
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
E a namorada dá sempre
a mesma resposta: "Quem, ele? O Kyle?"
297
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:02,117
E vocês dizem: "Sim, qual é a dele?
Qual é a cena desse gajo? O que se passa?"
298
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
E a vossa namorada responde:
"Ora, por favor. Ele é gay."
299
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
Estão a ver? E vocês dizem:
"Mas isso já foi confirmado?
300
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,128
É do conhecimento geral?
É do conhecimento geral que ele é gay?"
301
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:17,341
E a vossa namorada diz sempre:
"Não, mas toda a gente sabe."
302
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
E vocês: "Este gajo não é, foda-se.
303
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,513
Não tenho a certeza. Não.
Estou de olho em ti, Kyle, sim?"
304
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,518
Dormem em casa delas. Se não curtem ratas,
porque andam sempre de roda delas?
305
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
É muito estranho. Entendem?
306
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
Nunca me verão agarrado a um monte
de multas de estacionamento ou algo assim.
307
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,656
São coisas diferentes, sim,
mas para mim funciona.
308
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,286
Não percebo. Estão a ver?
309
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:50,499
Há um certo tipo de gajos gay,
eu chamo-lhes "acariciadores".
310
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:56,546
Agora, não há regras para gajos gay.
Podem fazer o que quiserem.
311
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
Foda-se, é de doidos.
312
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Eu sou todo a favor,
mas, pronto, é abusar um bocado.
313
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
É verdade!
Os gajos gays são acariciadores.
314
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
É aquele gay que se aproxima
da nossa namorada,
315
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
lhe aperta as mamas, dá palmadas no rabo
316
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
e ainda diz:
"Fogo, miúda, estás o máximo!"
317
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Foda-se, não acho piada nenhuma a isso.
Desculpem.
318
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Sou a favor da homossexualidade,
não tenho nada contra.
319
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,369
Mas sabem o trabalho que tive
para poder palpar mamas e...
320
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,915
Estão a ver?
Sabem a quantos aniversários faltei
321
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,333
e quantos amigos perdi?
322
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,296
Os natais passados no Ohio...
323
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:42,509
E vocês dão palmadas no rabo delas
só porque são gays? Foda-se, não é justo.
324
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Sim, mesmo à nossa frente.
Chegam, dão-lhes uma palmada e riem-se.
325
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Só porque podem.
326
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Eu jamais faria isso só porque posso.
327
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Não me aproximava do namorado dele
e lhe puxava a pila:
328
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,774
"Boa, Gary! Não é a minha cena, mas fixe!"
329
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
Porquê?
330
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,410
"O que foi? Sou hétero."
331
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:19,755
Há certas regras para certas pessoas
e eu não entendo isso.
332
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,132
Para mim, não faz sentido.
333
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Mas não consigo ir contra isso,
já imaginei esse confronto,
334
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:29,931
e de certeza que muitos de vocês também,
e nunca adianta. Perco sempre.
335
00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:35,395
Eu vou ter com ele... Ele dá-lhe
uma palmada no rabo, apalpa-lhe as mamas
336
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,022
e desmancha-se a rir.
337
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:39,733
E eu digo-lhe: "Kyle,
foda-se, mas qual é a tua?"
338
00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:45,614
E depois o Kyle decide assumir-se
nesse dia e diz: "Já agora, sou gay."
339
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
E pronto, ele ganhou.
O confronto resume-se a isto.
340
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Mais vale dizermos:
"Desculpa, podes continuar.
341
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,667
Toca ao de leve ou com força,
segundo ouvi dizer."
342
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,299
É estranho, porque só funciona...
343
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:09,137
Só funciona com gajos gay e miúdas hétero.
De outra forma, não funciona.
344
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Não funciona como um gajo hétero
e uma lésbica.
345
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:16,603
Não posso apalpar as mamas a uma lésbica
e dizer: "Tranquilo, ambos odiamos isto."
346
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,781
Eu meto-me em muitos sarilhos.
347
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,742
Hoje, quando vinha para cá,
mandaram-me parar.
348
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,371
Ninguém põe Billy Joel no carro
quando vos mandam parar?
349
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Porque achamos que o agente vai dizer:
350
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"A sua carta... Billy Joel!
Foda-se, ponha-se a andar, meu!
351
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
Não é um merdas.
352
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Pensei que estaria a ouvir 2 Chainz
ou algo assim. Boa."
353
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,928
É ainda mais constrangedor
quando não funciona.
354
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:55,642
Estamos ali sentados e ele diz: "Carta
e registo. Pode desligar o Bill Withers?"
355
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Mas eu meto-me em muitos sarilhos.
356
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
No ano passado, tive problemas
por causa de umas piadas.
357
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
Arranjei problemas
porque gozei com um cavalheiro
358
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,284
que é político e usa uma pala no olho.
Chama-se Dan Crenshaw.
359
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,705
Acho que não fiz nada de mal.
Distorceram as minhas palavras
360
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
para que um tipo pudesse ser famoso,
361
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
mas eu não...
362
00:24:23,336 --> 00:24:27,257
É basicamente isto.
Eu gostaria... Como não tenho Twitter,
363
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:31,052
não me posso explicar
sempre que algo mau acontece.
364
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Pensei: "Vou gravar
um especial de comédia e contar tudo.
365
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:38,185
Sim, já que não posso ir à internet."
366
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:42,939
Tenho a certeza de que, se for à internet,
vou preso ou algo assim.
367
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:47,652
Então, gozei com um tipo
que tinha uma pala no olho
368
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:50,780
e, depois, fui obrigado a pedir desculpa
369
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:55,202
porque as pessoas começaram a ameaçar
que me davam um tiro na cara.
370
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
Infelizmente, eu não atendi essa chamada.
371
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,541
Quem atendeu foi
a minha colega de quarto...
372
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
Ela não curtiu nada isso.
373
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
E a minha colega de quarto achou
que eu devia pedir desculpa
374
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,344
para não me darem um tiro na cara.
375
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Por isso, eu...
376
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:19,351
Foi isto que aconteceu. Como disse,
não faço muita coisa no SNL.
377
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Não sei se já viram.
378
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
É provável que não,
mas a minha participação é muito reduzida.
379
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
E estávamos a debater:
380
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"Foda-se, o que poderias fazer, meu?
381
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,576
Fazes parte da família dos roasts.
Fazes aqueles roasts."
382
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:39,621
E eu disse: "Sim, isso é conhecido.
A família dos roasts."
383
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
Disseram-me:
"Porque não gozas com políticos
384
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
e cenas assim na rubrica?"
385
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,797
E eu pensei: "Brutal. Isso garante-me
mais quatro programas, certo?
386
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,757
Foda-se, pode ser. Porreiro."
387
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Estão a ver? São as mesmas regras
do 8 Mile, mas a gozar.
388
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Gozamos connosco próprios
e, depois, gozamos com os outros, certo?
389
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Eu tinha uma folha de papel
com muitas caras, certo?
390
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
E comecei a escrever piadas.
391
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
"Este tipo, aquela mulher..."
392
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
De repente, aparece esse tal Dan Crenshaw.
393
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:16,908
E tinha uma pala no olho. Pensei logo:
"Este gajo tem sentido de humor."
394
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Porque usa uma pala no olho.
395
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Se perdes um olho,
há três coisas que podes fazer
396
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
antes de usares uma pala.
Não estou armado em parvo.
397
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Podes usar um olho de vidro,
um olho de vidro com óculos por cima,
398
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
depois, podes usar óculos de sol
e, por fim, a pala. Certo?
399
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,468
E eu pensei: "Este gajo tem piada.
400
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:39,180
Tem consciência da imagem que tem.
Que porreiraço."
401
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Portanto... pensei em escrever
uma piada inofensiva.
402
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
Algo do género. E disse:
403
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Este tipo parece um assassino
num filme porno." Certo?
404
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Uma piada muito inofensiva
ao estilo do Saturday Night Live,
405
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,781
em que a pessoa se ri e pronto:
"Próxima paragem, por favor."
406
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,950
Isto era eu num táxi.
407
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Foi aí que se passou.
408
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Vamos cortar esta parte.
409
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Sem problema, podem cortar isto.
Nunca aconteceu. Voltamos às quecas.
410
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Voltamos às quecas. Nunca aconteceu.
411
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
Sempre quis fazer isto.
412
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Parabéns por darem uma queca.
413
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,646
Obrigado por tirarem o pause
e continuarem a ver.
414
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:35,987
Desculpem. Sempre quis que isto
acontecesse quando estou a ver Netflix.
415
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:43,703
Então, meu, como foi? Foi fixe?
416
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,583
Foi tal e qual como esperava?
Espero que sim.
417
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:56,132
Deve ter sido bom para parar
na cena do Crenshaw, seu cabrão de merda.
418
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:04,557
"Estamos a divertir-nos!"
Não, desculpem. Eu não... esqueçam.
419
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Portanto, escrevi uma piadola...
420
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"Ele parece um assassino
num filme porno." Escrevi isso.
421
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Nem pensei mais nisso.
422
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Depois, de repente,
423
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,864
antes de entrar em direto
para fazer a rubrica,
424
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:22,033
um amigo que me ajudou
a escrever a piada diz:
425
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"Ouve, meu. Andei a pesquisar."
426
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,414
E eu perguntei: "Só pesquisaste agora?"
E ele diz que sim.
427
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
A malta lá deixa tudo para a última.
428
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
E ele diz: "Sim.
Sabes esse tal Dan Crenshaw?
429
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Acho que ele perdeu o olho
numa guerra ou algo do género."
430
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:39,467
E eu: "O quê?"
Entretanto ouço: "Pete, vais entrar."
431
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,221
E eu: "Foda-se!" E ele diz-me:
"Meu, vai correr bem, não stresses.
432
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
És tu que vais dar a cara, não sou eu."
433
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Fui lá e tentei ter consciência,
o que é difícil
434
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
porque estou sempre mocado
com cogumelos ou cenas assim.
435
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:59,070
Por isso, ter consciência das coisas
é uma cena muito difícil para mim.
436
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Sabem? Não é bem ter consciência,
é ter consciência de repente.
437
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
Do género: "Atenção!"
438
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,956
Obrigado às 12 pessoas
que entenderam isto.
439
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,544
"Foda-se, o que é isso?"
440
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Agora dão especiais de comédia
a qualquer um na Netflix.
441
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Deste outra queca? Espetacular, meu.
442
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Mais uma vez, obrigado por voltares.
443
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Agradeço.
444
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Meu, deve ter sido bom, rapaz.
É isso mesmo.
445
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:35,148
A sério, durante a cena do Crenshaw?
Mas que caraças...
446
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:44,240
Estou a curtir isto convosco porque
também é a primeira vez que ouço a piada.
447
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,998
Portanto, entrei. E acabara de saber
que o tipo perdeu o olho na guerra.
448
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
Pensei: "Foda-se,
tenho de ter isso em conta.
449
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Depois da piada, tenho de pedir desculpa.
450
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Tenho de me adiantar."
451
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Por isso, disse a piada e pedi desculpa.
452
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:07,263
Lembro-me exatamente como foi.
Lembro-me do que disse, nunca esquecerei.
453
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Disse: "Dan Crenshaw. Parece
um assassino num filme porno."
454
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Consegui uns risos medíocres, certo?
455
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
E logo depois disse:
456
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Desculpem. Sei que ele pode ter perdido
o olho numa guerra ou assim."
457
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
Por causa disso, as pessoas disseram:
458
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
"Tu odeias os EUA!"
459
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
"Não! Eu só não queria enganar-me
sobre como ele perdeu o olho."
460
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,622
Foda-se, isso é algum crime? Pode
ter perdido o olho na guerra ou assim.
461
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
Não sei como foi.
Pode ter sido no Afeganistão
462
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,502
ou a fazer uma sandes. Foda-se, sei lá.
463
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Desculpem lá por não ter
cartões de basebol do Dan Crenshaw
464
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
com todas as estatísticas e informações.
465
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Desculpem lá, é uma expressão.
466
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Eu estava a tentar ser consciente.
Entendem?
467
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,058
O General Patton é um
dos maiores heróis dos EUA.
468
00:30:52,141 --> 00:30:56,229
Morreu na Alemanha nazi uma semana
depois da guerra num acidente de viação.
469
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,190
Mas quando falamos
do grande General Patton,
470
00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:02,402
dizemos que ele morreu na guerra
ou assim.
471
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
É mais fácil do que dizer:
472
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
"Ele ganhou a guerra
e espalhou-se numa curva..." Pois é.
473
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
É uma expressão. Não significa
que odeie os EUA. Está bem?
474
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
Portanto, a única coisa de que não gosto
é que as pessoas digam:
475
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"Aquele gajo ganhou por tua causa."
Não é verdade.
476
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
Acho que o resultado já era sabido,
477
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,259
o gajo é um republicano do Texas
com uma pala no olho.
478
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
Portanto, já estava ganho à partida.
479
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Eu podia ter-vos dito isso.
480
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
No Texas, tenho a certeza
de que só têm fotos.
481
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
É assim que votam.
482
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Entendem? Portanto,
eu não o ajudei a ganhar, sim?
483
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:49,616
Isso é culpa dos EUA.
Entendem? E isto também.
484
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Pois é. Eu não ajudei o tipo.
485
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
A única coisa de que sou culpado,
486
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
e peço desculpa por isso,
é ter tornado o tipo famoso
487
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
e conhecido sem motivo, está bem?
488
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Fiz o mesmo que a Ariana Grande
fez por mim, certo?
489
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Pois, é isso.
490
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:08,676
Fiz-lhe um broche no SNL.
491
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Eu não ia fazer piadas sobre isto,
mas depois o meu amigo disse-me:
492
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Recentemente, soube que a Ariana disse
que não fazia ideia de quem tu és
493
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
e que namorou contigo para se distrair."
494
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,570
Agora, acho que vale tudo.
495
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:30,365
Então, é isso. E não aplaudam.
496
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
Não é um concerto do Drake
e do Lil Wayne.
497
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Não é uma competição.
498
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Ela tem as músicas dela
e eu tenho isto, está bem?
499
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Portanto... Está bem? É isso.
500
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Vão dizer: "Pete, isto não é justo.
Estás a lavar roupa suja em público.
501
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Como foste capaz?
Onde é que ela disse isso?
502
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,469
Disse aos amigos,
em privado, na casa dela?"
503
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Não, ela disse-o na capa da revista Vogue.
504
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Já imaginaram se eu fizesse isso?
505
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
A minha carreira acabava amanhã.
506
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:09,237
Se me borrifasse com autobronzeador,
aparecesse na capa da Vogue
507
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
e começasse a dizer mal da minha ex,
já imaginaram...
508
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Não batam palmas.
São aplausos Drake contra Lil Wayne.
509
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:19,580
Não gosto disso. Gosto das risadinhas.
São apenas piadas.
510
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Já imaginaram se eu dissesse isso?
511
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:27,005
"Só fodi com ela porque estava aborrecido,
mas depois saiu o Fortnite." Passavam-se.
512
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
E dirão: "Mas aconteceu-lhe algo, não?
Deve ter tido algumas repercussões."
513
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,724
Não. Ela ganhou o prémio
de Mulher do Ano da Billboard.
514
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:42,145
Já eu, fui chamado de "olhos de cu"
pelo site barstoolsports.com.
515
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:52,071
Às vezes, a vida é um bocado injusta.
516
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Mais uma vez, isto são piadas.
Não quero chatices, está bem?
517
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,414
O meu maior medo é levar um tiro na nuca
518
00:34:01,497 --> 00:34:03,666
de uma pita de nove anos
de rabo-de-cavalo.
519
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
E a última coisa que vou ouvir é:
"Hashtag cancelado."
520
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
E levo um tiro na nuca.
521
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,764
Mais uma vez, não quero chatices
com os putos de nove anos.
522
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Não, ela é uma mulher poderosa,
a Ariana.
523
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
É uma mulher muito poderosa
e muito inteligente.
524
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,777
Só pode ser, para uma pessoa
não ter vontade de voltar ao Starbucks.
525
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,321
No outro dia, fui ao Starbucks
526
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
e disse: "Quero um café médio."
E o tipo fez isto...
527
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
Eu disse: "Vai-te foder,
vou ao Dunkin 'Donuts.
528
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
Porque estão a fechá-los todos?
Não encontro nenhum."
529
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Muitas pessoas me perguntam
como foi essa situação.
530
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,179
Foi como todas as separações,
só que esta foi pública.
531
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Pois é... Eu não sabia...
532
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Eu sabia no que me estava a meter,
mas não vi o quadro geral.
533
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Se soubesse, teria ido ao dermatologista
antes de namorar com ela.
534
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,818
Teria tomado as devidas precauções,
535
00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:15,696
mas pronto, é como todas as separações.
Convidamos os amigos lá para casa.
536
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,948
Eles mentem-nos.
537
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
Dizem: "Meu, não há crise.
Ninguém sabe quem ela é.
538
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Está tudo bem, mano.
Estás melhor sem ela, não stresses."
539
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Depois saiu aquela música,
540
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:30,336
e os meus amigos disseram-me:
"Mano, eu adoro-te.
541
00:35:30,419 --> 00:35:32,171
Sim?" Mas a música fica no ouvido.
542
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
A música fica mesmo no ouvido.
Vais passar oito meses lixados.
543
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
Lamento. Por acaso,
gosto da música, desculpa.
544
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Gosto de ti, mas..."
545
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
O meu avô disse: "É uma bofetada.
546
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, é uma bofetada. Lamento imenso.
547
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
A canção é boa,
e eu nem ouço estas porcarias."
548
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
E eu respondi: "Já entendi!"
549
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,913
Mas sim. Esta é a única coisa
de que não gostei nesta situação,
550
00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:08,166
que é um equívoco comum.
551
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Não me agrada que ela tenha dito cenas
em nome da minha pila.
552
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Achei isso superestranho.
553
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,425
Ela disse: "Pois, não resultou,
mas tens uma pila boa."
554
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Achei isso muito estranho
porque toda a gente disse:
555
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:24,140
"Olha que rapariga simpática."
556
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Primeiro, vamos lá parar e pensar.
Já imaginaram se eu dissesse isso?
557
00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:32,940
Imaginem se eu dissesse:
"Desculpa, não resultou. Bela rata!
558
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,609
É bem molhadinha!
559
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Boa rata, mas temos pena."
560
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,412
É ridículo!
561
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Tive de ouvir aquilo...
562
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Pois, só não gostei disto.
563
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Não gostei porque não é verdade. Sim.
564
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Ela é que tem mãos pequenas.
565
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Tem mãos muito pequenas.
566
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Foda-se, para ela, tudo é gigante.
567
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Na altura,
fartámo-nos de gozar com isso.
568
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,896
Eu dizia: "Para ti, é enorme, mas,
para os outros, é pequeno. Espetacular!"
569
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Sabem?
570
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
E perguntamo-nos: "Porquê?
Se ela sabe esta informação,
571
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
porque diria a toda a gente
que tens um pénis gigante?
572
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Porque faria isso? Sabes?
Porque quem está de fora pensa:
573
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,582
"Que simpática. Não resultou,
mas elogiou-o." Estão a ver?
574
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:35,920
"Disse a todos que ele tem
um pénis jeitoso." Não foi por isso.
575
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Ela fez isso para...
576
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:41,425
Ela é um génio, lembrem-se disto.
É muito inteligente, sim?
577
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:46,931
Ela fez isso para que todas as raparigas
que virem a minha pila, enquanto for vivo,
578
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,391
fiquem desiludidas.
579
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
É genial!
580
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,815
Isto nunca me vai largar.
581
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
É tramado.
582
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:05,616
Nem pude desfrutar do meu verão
da pila grande, ou lá como se chamava.
583
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:10,288
Por favor, parem de fazer isso.
Tenho uma família que lê. Parem.
584
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,957
Coitada da minha mãe.
585
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Bom, vamos dizer umas piadas
do 11 de setembro e vou bazar daqui.
586
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:18,879
Que tal?
587
00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:23,050
Fixe. É a única altura em que permito
que deem vivas pelo 11 de setembro.
588
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
O meu pai morreu no 11 de setembro.
589
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Mandaram-me explicar isso
antes de fazer estas piadas,
590
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,061
porque algumas pessoas não sabem,
ao que eu respondi:
591
00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:36,063
"Acho que não devia dizer isso
592
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,275
porque vai parar o espetáculo
e criar um ambiente constrangedor."
593
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,404
Ganhei. Eu tinha razão.
594
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,326
Quando o nosso pai morre e trabalha
para o Estado, para o governo ou sei lá...
595
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,745
Não sei. Era bombeiro,
seja lá o que isso for.
596
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Nós... às vezes, a família da vítima
recebe algum dinheiro.
597
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,668
Não é muito, mas algum. Portanto...
598
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:03,591
Recebemos algum, e a minha mãe,
para me animar a mim e à minha irmã,
599
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
quis dar-nos uma piscina
com esse dinheiro, certo?
600
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Ela achou que, se nos desse uma piscina,
601
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
as pessoas quereriam ser nossas amigas
e iriam lá a casa nadar.
602
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
O que é sombrio.
603
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:21,942
Nadar na piscina da morte.
604
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
Pois. É uma ideia simpática,
605
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
mas fazer bombas na água ganha
um significado estranho.
606
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,378
Fazemos voltas à piscina e dizemos:
"Achas justo?" Não.
607
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Não, lembro-me que a minha mãe
nos deu uma piscina.
608
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:47,635
Eu tinha sete anos
quando o meu pai morreu.
609
00:39:48,094 --> 00:39:51,639
As crianças não entendem essas cenas.
Não sabem o que se passa.
610
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Lembro-me de receber a piscina,
e dos miúdos na escola me dizerem:
611
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Tens tanta sorte, és rico.
Tens uma piscina." Sabem?
612
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
E eu dizia: "Sim, felizmente,
tenho uma piscina
613
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
que encho de lágrimas todos os verões.
614
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,531
É assim que sabemos que somos ricos,
quando podemos nadar na nossa tristeza.
615
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:11,951
Ainda bem que o Osama bin Laden
acordou a horas. Sabem porquê?
616
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,744
Senão, eu não teria piscina!
617
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Desculpem. Por favor, voltem depois."
618
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,962
Esta vai ficar, Jason,
mesmo que não queiras.
619
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,467
Enfim, no verão,
fiz uma coisa sobre o meu pai.
620
00:40:28,551 --> 00:40:29,718
Filmei uma cena.
621
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,597
Portanto, tive de fazer
uma pesquisa sobre o meu pai
622
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
e convivi com os amigos dele.
623
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:38,352
Eu sou de Staten Island,
o meu pai também era.
624
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:41,397
Portanto, os amigos dele são como eu,
não valem nada.
625
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Sim, somos malta do lixo, literalmente.
626
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Somos conhecidos por termos
a maior lixeira do mundo
627
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
que se vê do espaço.
628
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Era isso que o taxista dizia
ao entrar em Staten Island.
629
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"Não sei se sabe,
mas aqui têm a maior lixeira."
630
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,375
Em vez de dizer: "Olhe a árvore!"
631
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
E perguntam: "O que aconteceu
à lixeira? O que fizeram?"
632
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,301
Construíram um parque por cima.
633
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
E perguntam: "Tiraram daqui o lixo todo?"
634
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Não, só construíram
a merda de um parque por cima.
635
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Daqui a dez anos,
quando começar a ficar velho,
636
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,273
os miúdos vão esfacelar-se todos
em Hondas de 1998.
637
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Enfim, estou a tentar explicar
como é o pessoal de Staten Island.
638
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Este não é um bom exemplo.
639
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
É como se tivéssemos um Marlboro Red,
o atirássemos para a banheira
640
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
e ele ganhasse vida.
641
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
É assim...
642
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
É assim...
643
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
Um gajo de Staten Island é assim,
estão a ver?
644
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Enfim, tive de ir ter
com os amigos dele, certo?
645
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Mas eu só conhecia histórias do meu pai
de quando eu tinha sete anos.
646
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
E as histórias que me contaram
eram muito diferentes
647
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
das que eu tinha ouvido.
648
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
É como se falassem de outra pessoa.
Dou-vos um exemplo.
649
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:14,365
Quando eu era pequeno, os amigos
do meu pai diziam: "O teu pai era o maior.
650
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Costumávamos jogar basquetebol
e fazer os trabalhos de casa.
651
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Nunca deixava comida no prato.
652
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,586
Nunca deixava comida no prato!
653
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Come tudo!"
654
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Porquê?
655
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Descobri que...
656
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
Há uma razão para termos dificuldade
em comer tudo quando temos sete anos.
657
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
Os adultos querem que comamos
as mesmas doses que eles,
658
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:43,352
mas só temos um terço do tamanho deles.
Portanto, ficamos logo cheios.
659
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:47,982
E não ajuda se gritarem: "Come tudo!"
Isso só engorda o pessoal, estão a ver?
660
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,944
A minha mãe dizia:
"Há crianças a passar fome em África."
661
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Dizia sempre isso
para me fazer sentir culpado.
662
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,824
Eu dizia: "Pode até ser,
663
00:42:56,907 --> 00:42:59,368
mas se um puto em África comesse
um terço desta comida,
664
00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:01,036
diria: "Estou cheio."
665
00:43:04,331 --> 00:43:07,501
Gosto do facto
de metade de vocês achar piada
666
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
e de outra metade pensar:
"Não sei se podes dizer isso."
667
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,425
Acho que vamos confirmar no Twitter,
o grande juiz.
668
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,262
O Twitter é as novas portas do Céu.
669
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:22,057
Decidem o futuro de todas as pessoas.
670
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,688
Enfim, tive de me encontrar
com o meu pai... com um amigo dele:
671
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:30,441
"Conte-me umas histórias
sobre o meu pai." E ele disse:
672
00:43:31,108 --> 00:43:33,944
"Costumávamos cheirar coca!
Passávamos a vida nisso!"
673
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
E eu: "O quê?"
674
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,493
E ele disse: "Desculpa.
Não te devia ter contado?"
675
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
E eu respondi: "Não, tudo bem.
Só não estava à espera dessa.
676
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Quando era pequeno, ouvi dizer
que ele jogava muito basquetebol,
677
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
fazia os trabalhos de casa
e não deixava nada no prato.
678
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Acho que a terceira coisa
ainda se aplica, mas... pronto.
679
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Mas eu não..." E ele disse:
"Desculpa. Devo proteger-te?
680
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Estou a revelar informações a mais?"
E eu disse: "Não, é como eu disse,
681
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
cresci a pensar... sempre soube
que o meu pai era um herói,
682
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:15,611
mas não sabia que era um super-herói.
Não sabia que era um gajo com estilo."
683
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Que homem dos anos 90, a cheirar coca
e a apagar incêndios. Que lenda.
684
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:25,371
Nunca me senti tão orgulhoso. Caramba,
isso fez-me sorrir. Não é espetacular?
685
00:44:25,454 --> 00:44:29,166
Imaginem, a vossa casa está a arder, chega
o carro dos bombeiros e sai um tipo.
686
00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:32,127
Ele diz: "Vou tratar da boca de incêndio."
E sai outro tipo:
687
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
"Vou vedar a área",
e depois sai o meu pai e diz:
688
00:44:35,422 --> 00:44:37,091
"Vamos lá, foda-se!
689
00:44:38,801 --> 00:44:40,386
Sem capacete!"
690
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:41,804
Obrigado, pessoal.
691
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Boa noite. Obrigado.
692
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,391
Obrigado por terem vindo.
693
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Obrigado.
694
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
COMO LIDAR COM UM PÉNIS ENORME
695
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
ESGOTADO
696
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
O espetáculo já acabou, mas gostava
de vos contar esta história.
697
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Sim, queria contar esta história.
698
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:48,287
Esta é a única outra história
que ouvi sobre o meu pai, está bem?
699
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:51,790
Portanto... Eu estava com um tipo
700
00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:55,169
e pedi-lhe para me contar histórias
do meu pai." Falou na coca,
701
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:57,129
e eu perguntei: "Sabe outras histórias?"
702
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
E ele disse: "Sei mais uma."
703
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
E eu disse: "Está bem. Boa."
E ele diz: "Uma vez..."
704
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:07,097
Ele fala assim. Não quero que pensem
que inventei este sujeito.
705
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Isso seria embaraçoso,
mas é assim que o tipo fala. Disse:
706
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"Uma vez, eu e o teu pai fomos
a um casamento a Poconos."
707
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Poconos é as Bahamas dos brancos chungas.
708
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
É onde a malta vai
para tentar salvar o casamento
709
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:26,116
e foder numa banheira em forma de coração,
e põem uma moeda na cama e ela abana,
710
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,535
do género:
"Isto vibra, como a nossa vida!"
711
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Portanto... ele disse:
"Estávamos em Poconos, certo?
712
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Estávamos num casamento, certo?
713
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Estava no casamento,
estávamos a divertir-nos.
714
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:44,176
Estávamos a dançar.
Estávamos a ficar todos mamados."
715
00:46:44,259 --> 00:46:47,471
Eu disse: "Fixe, meu." Desde 1987.
716
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,681
"Estava a ficar mamado."
Ainda tinha orgulho nisso.
717
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
E disse: "Eu e o teu pai estávamos
no casamento.
718
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
E partilhávamos um quarto em Poconos.
719
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
Eu estava com uma miúda,
estava a tentar fodê-la, certo?"
720
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Ele dizia "certo"
como se eu fosse responder:
721
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
"Não, não foi assim
que a história aconteceu."
722
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Eu nunca ouvi a história. Sim.
723
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:16,291
E ele diz: "Estava a tentar fodê-la,
certo? E procurei o teu pai.
724
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:19,503
Fartei-me de procurá-lo.
Disse: 'Onde estás, Scott?'"
725
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Ele fez isto. "Disse:
'Onde estás? Não te vejo.'"
726
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,844
Ele encenou tudo para eu ver.
727
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
E disse: "Deduzi que ele estava
a comer alguém, certo?
728
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
E voltei para o quarto do hotel, certo?
O teu pai desapareceu, certo?
729
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Eu estava com uma miúda, certo?
E começamos a foder, certo?
730
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
E foi brutal, certo?
Comi-a de todas as maneiras, estás a ver?
731
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
Pu-la aqui, ela foi para ali,
e fomos para a casa de banho." E eu digo:
732
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,033
"Ouça, quando é que o meu pai entra
na história?
733
00:47:50,659 --> 00:47:55,956
Isto parece-me a história
de uma queca sua em 1987."
734
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
Ele responde: "Calma, já vou falar nele.
Só quero que saibas que sou macho."
735
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
Eu disse-lhe que sabia que ele era macho.
736
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:09,720
E ele diz: "Bom, estávamos a foder,
certo? Ela veio-se, eu também.
737
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Obviamente, foi a primeira vez
que ela se veio. E acabámos, certo?
738
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,768
E estávamos ali deitados e...
739
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
... de repente,
vejo no outro lado do quarto
740
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:24,151
a ponta de um cigarro a brilhar no escuro.
741
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,821
Acendo as luzes. Era o teu pai!
742
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,199
E eu disse: 'Scott! Andava à tua procura!'
743
00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:33,785
E ele diz: 'Olá. Obrigado
pelo espetáculo de borla.'"
744
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:38,498
E o tipo acrescentou:
"O teu pai era assim.
745
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:43,253
Não é uma história espetacular?"
E eu disse-lhe: "Não!
746
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:47,466
Não anda a contar isso às pessoas,
pois não? É uma história horrível.
747
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
A rapariga está viva?
Tenho de a encontrar e pagar-lhe.
748
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,722
Foda-se, que informação é essa?"
749
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Enfim, obrigado por terem vindo.
Boa noite. Obrigado.
750
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:23,919
Legendas: Georgina Torres
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,008
Louis C.K. quis me demitir
2
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,760
no meu primeiro ano
do Saturday Night Live, e vou contar como.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Foi lá por 2014 ou 2015,
no último episódio da temporada,
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
fiquei tão chocado e feliz
por não ter sido demitido,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
e é uma sensação que tenho o prazer
de reviver toda semana.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,612
Foi incrível. Ainda não acredito.
Foi muito engraçado.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Só queria comemorar, sabe?
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:37,829
Louis C.K. era o apresentador e, na época,
era um comediante muito respeitado.
9
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Na época. Pois é.
10
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Na época, ele era alguém que você admirava
e de quem queria aprovação.
11
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
Na época.
12
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,303
Na época, era alguém que queria
que fosse legal com você.
13
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Enfim, ele era o apresentador,
e eu fiquei emocionado,
14
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
então fumei um baseado
15
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
no meu camarim
16
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,022
e quando estava indo
em direção aos elevadores,
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
Louis C.K. estava fazendo sala,
18
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,153
falando com atores e roteiristas,
19
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,282
tipo pessoas importantes,
e eles estavam claramente conversando,
20
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
então pensei: "Melhor nem chegar perto."
21
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Eu estava chapado,
não queria estragar tudo.
22
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Não queria que o cara soubesse
da minha existência.
23
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:26,461
Então eu coloquei e apertei o capuz
24
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
e dei a volta em direção aos elevadores
25
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
para nem passar por perto.
26
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Apertei o botão e fiquei lá esperando,
27
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,807
quando, de repente,
Louis C.K. interrompe a conversa.
28
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,391
Ele olha, aponta para mim e diz:
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,103
"Olhem como Pete está chapado,
esse idiota!
30
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,438
Chapado no trabalho. Mas que idiota.
31
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,690
Vai detonar a carreira. Idiota!"
32
00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:53,196
E estava tão chapado,
que pensei: "Isso não aconteceu."
33
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,532
Tipo: "Não.
34
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Não...
35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
Com certeza estou viajando.
36
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,039
Ele deve ter dito: 'Até amanhã, cara.'
37
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,290
Eu devo ter..."
38
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
No dia seguinte, recebo uma ligação
do escritório do Lorne Michaels.
39
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
Isso foi chocante
porque estava lá há um ano,
40
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
e nunca tinha tido notícias
do escritório dele.
41
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Pensei: "Puta merda." Atendi, e disseram:
42
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
"Ei, Louis acabou de sair daqui.
Ele foi falar sobre você,
43
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
e agora Lorne quer conversar."
E eu pensei: "Fodeu. Beleza."
44
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Só pensei que seria demitido.
45
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Foi o que pensei,
então tentei me animar um pouco.
46
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Fiquei tipo:
47
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,410
"Foda-se. Eles que são uns otários.
48
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,745
Eles contrataram e demitiram.
Erraram duas vezes."
49
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Sabe? "Ele podia ter ficado na dele,
50
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
e ninguém notaria."
Quem se importa, certo?
51
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Então fui ao escritório dele
tentando me animar e tudo mais,
52
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,012
abri a porta, e Lorne estava lá sentado
53
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:01,681
sem entender nada,
54
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
e eu também,
porque eu sempre pareço não entender.
55
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,022
Tenho cara de quem não sabe fazer conta.
56
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,572
Enfim, ele parecia confuso
e disse: "Sente-se."
57
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,200
Eu sentei, e ele disse: "Então...
58
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis me disse que você fumou maconha."
59
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
E eu falei: "Sim.
60
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
Os boatos são verdadeiros."
61
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
Então reparei que ele ficou sem reação,
62
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
como se não soubesse o que dizer.
Porque os olhos dele diziam:
63
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
"Desculpa por esta conversa,
64
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
mas Louis te dedurou
e me pediu para falar com você,
65
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,900
mas eu não acho nada de mais
66
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,028
porque tem gente cheirando coca,
e eu te acho um frouxo, na verdade.
67
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Lamento pela conversa."
68
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,617
Sabe, vi isso nos olhos dele
69
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,827
e falei: "Pode crer, cara." Então...
70
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,332
as coisas continuaram estranhas
por mais um tempo,
71
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:14,712
e ele disse: "Sim, então acho
que o que poderia fazer,
72
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
já que ele disse que você fuma muito,
73
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
seria talvez tomar cuidado com a maconha."
74
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,473
Pensei: "Pode deixar.
75
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
Vou cuidar da maconha direitinho."
76
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Falei: "Claro.
Pode confiar na minha palavra."
77
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,564
E ele falou: "Certo.
78
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:37,318
De novo, lamento pela conversa,
79
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,820
mas Louis veio falar comigo
80
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,989
sobre você estar detonando sua carreira
81
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,283
e, que fumou tanto esses dias,
82
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,618
que o deixou desconfortável."
83
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
E eu falei: "Porra, sério?"
Ele disse: "Sim."
84
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,209
E eu perguntei: "Então estou demitido?"
85
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,669
E ele disse: "Não."
86
00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,045
E eu: "Por que não?"
87
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
E ele: "Não sei."
88
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Sendo que é uma conversa
que temos todos os anos.
89
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,471
"Este vai ser o ano?"
90
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
"Eu não sei. Ainda não.
Vamos ver. Sei lá."
91
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
E aquilo acabou comigo, sabe?
Tive que sair de lá pensando:
92
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
"Louis C.K. não gosta de mim.
93
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Um dos melhores comediantes
de todos os tempos,
94
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
ainda mais na época..."
95
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
Acabou comigo porque pensei:
"Para quê fazer stand-up
96
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
se ele não gosta de mim?"
É alguém de quem queria aprovação.
97
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
Pensei: "O cara não gosta de mim
só porque fumo maconha?"
98
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Isso é uma droga, sabe?
99
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
E tive que guardar isso por cinco anos.
100
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,303
Até que em uma manhã gloriosa...
101
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
eu acordei
102
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
e li que Louis C.K. se masturbava
na frente das mulheres,
103
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
e eu falei: "Toma!"
104
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:04,447
Vocês entenderam.
Tipo, eu não queria que acontecesse,
105
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,076
mas se aconteceu, fico feliz
de ter sido com ele. Faz sentido?
106
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:08,993
Beleza.
107
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Não, é que...
108
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,832
Não imaginam a loucura
que é se masturbar sozinho.
109
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293
Alguém precisa estar junto, sabe?
110
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
Pode ser?
111
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Então, se masturbar sozinho
é estranho para cacete.
112
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,719
Sabe quando está lá, demora uma vida,
113
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,429
você não goza por nada
114
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
e pensa: "Que otário.
115
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,184
Nem dá prazer a si mesmo.
116
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,396
O que te faz pensar
que daria prazer a outras pessoas?"
117
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,440
Sabe a velha história
de se olhar no espelho?
118
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:42,110
Aconteceu comigo porque sou burro.
119
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:45,238
Nunca mais me masturbo no escuro.
120
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Me masturbo, sim.
121
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,951
Com o celular para baixo
para não receber uma mensagem,
122
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,536
refletir no espelho,
123
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,038
e se pegar fazendo aquilo
de canto de olho.
124
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,540
E uma mensagem da sua mãe lá.
125
00:06:57,375 --> 00:07:01,045
Já tentou se masturbar após receber
mensagem da mãe? É quase impossível.
126
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
Não é impossível, mas chega perto.
127
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,883
Foi uma das coisas mais difíceis
que já fiz.
128
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,181
Mas não,
saber de tudo aquilo me deixou mal
129
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,018
porque fiquei com pena daquelas mulheres
que o viram se masturbando.
130
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
É muito triste, porque aquilo as afetou.
131
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:24,110
Se soubessem que,
quando Louis começasse a se masturbar,
132
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
era só acender um baseado para ele dizer:
133
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
"Puta merda. Isso é maconha?
Suas ridículas!
134
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Sério, vocês são umas idiotas. Porra!
135
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
Vão detonar a carreira de vocês."
136
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Um amigo que ajudo financeiramente
teve um filho,
137
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:51,971
então sou pai.
138
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Eu não estava pronto para isso.
139
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
Ele me ligou todo empolgado:
"Cara. Tenho uma grande notícia."
140
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,356
Falei: "Arranjou emprego?"
141
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,151
E ele: "Não, cara, eu tive um filho."
142
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,529
E eu: "Isso é o extremo oposto
de arranjar emprego."
143
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Mal posso esperar para ter filhos.
144
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Não deve ser nem um pouco difícil,
já que todos os meus amigos estão tendo,
145
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
e as queixas deles não me incomodam tanto.
146
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Todos dizem a mesma coisa:
"Cara, eles choram."
147
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
E eu digo: "É só sair de perto."
148
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,888
Todo mundo chora, certo?
149
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:35,723
É só fazer parar e sair.
150
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,808
Choro o tempo todo, e eles sempre dizem:
151
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,727
"Tenho que ir trabalhar. Sei lá.
152
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:41,395
Se vira. Dá um tempo."
153
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Então dizem que eles choram,
154
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
e a outra queixa é:
155
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
"Cagam sem parar."
E isso também não me incomoda,
156
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
porque eu também cago.
157
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:59,455
Sabe, então não me importo de limpar
um tamanho menor, sabe?
158
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,625
Fora que, limpando os filhos,
159
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,128
você percebe
que não se limpou direito. Pois é.
160
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,174
Tipo: "Nossa, vi meu cu deste ângulo."
161
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:13,427
E pensa: "Eu vou limpar ali
quando sair do banho."
162
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Você sai do banho e pensa:
163
00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,933
"Puta merda!"
164
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,524
Adoro ficar de babá,
165
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,111
porque curto cogumelos,
então falo a língua dos bebês.
166
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
É, eu adoro. Eles falam, sabe?
167
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
Um dia desses, meu sobrinho disse: "Blé."
168
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:39,829
Eu pensei: "Forensic Files. Saquei."
169
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,539
Então, eu...
170
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:43,749
Cogumelos são demais.
171
00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:49,797
É como estar em uma montanha-russa
que só sobe e nunca desce.
172
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,633
É só na subida que você fica: "Que foda!
173
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
Isso é demais!
Não acredito nisso! Meu Deus!"
174
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,222
Por quatro horas.
175
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
Algo estranho aconteceu
quando eu estava de babá esses dias.
176
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Os dentes do filho do meu amigo
estão nascendo, sabe?
177
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
E então, estávamos assistindo
a Forensic Files,
178
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
e eu estava sentado lá,
os dentes dele estão nascendo,
179
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
então ele pegou minha mão
e começou a chupar meus dedos
180
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
com tudo.
181
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
Tipo...
182
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
eu deixei por um tempinho.
183
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Falei: "Não! Nossa, mas não!"
184
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,978
Sei que essa piada divide opiniões.
185
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Estou ciente. Não é minha primeira vez.
186
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,445
Sei que é estranho contar assim,
187
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:56,906
mas é uma piada, é uma casa de comédia.
188
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Seria estranho em uma reunião municipal,
189
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
se eu pegasse o microfone e dissesse:
"Pessoal, escutem só."
190
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,501
"Me encontrem no estacionamento
com broches."
191
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:16,092
As mulheres deveriam dizer aos homens
como fazê-las gozar.
192
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
Na primeira vez em que vão transar,
tem que fazer uma entrevista antes, sabe?
193
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,893
Porque, aparentemente,
cada mulher é diferente.
194
00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:27,603
É o que digo para mim mesmo.
195
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,985
Cada uma é cada uma,
e uma delas está morta por dentro.
196
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,365
Falo: "Acho que o problema é com você."
197
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Sério.
198
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Foi mal. Não sei.
Às vezes dizemos bobagens.
199
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:56,841
Mas sim, as mulheres deveriam dizer
aos homens como fazê-las gozar.
200
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Não só quando se sentem à vontade.
201
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
Sei que não querem magoar o cara,
e não vão.
202
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Não vão. Podemos estar no meio da transa,
203
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
e você dizer: "Odiei." E vamos falar:
204
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
"Que tal assim? Gostou?
Certo, deixa pra lá." Nunca aconteceu.
205
00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:14,942
Deveria dizer ao cara, sabe?
206
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,737
Para os homens, as coisas são bem óbvias.
207
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
É só masturbar e gozar, certo?
208
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,744
É muito fácil.
Até meu filho conseguiria fazer isso.
209
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Mas parece que não é muito difícil
fazer as mulheres gozarem.
210
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:37,256
Se estiver suando e sem fôlego,
está fazendo algo de errado.
211
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,967
Mas só sei
o que aprendi vendo pornografia,
212
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
porque fui criado com minha irmã
pela minha mãe.
213
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Então nunca tivemos aquela conversa.
214
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:49,602
Nunca tive aquele jantar
em que se sente à vontade para:
215
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,187
"Pessoal,
216
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,691
se eu não fosse o filho ou o irmão..."
217
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Então só sabia
o que aprendi vendo pornografia,
218
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
que é muito movimento, gritaria e...
219
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Sabe, às vezes você tira o pau,
faz umas flexões
220
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,708
e depois vira... Foi mal.
221
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Então eu não sabia de muita coisa,
mas felizmente, uma moça me disse
222
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
que tem uma coisinha na vagina.
223
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
Tipo um círculo... Sabe boxe?
224
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,142
Parece aquilo que fica assim.
225
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Aquele saco de pancada.
226
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Que os homens batem devagar ou rápido.
227
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
E parece que a vagina é
a mesma coisa, sabe?
228
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,198
Você toca levemente na coisinha...
229
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
ou vai fundo. Essas são as duas opções.
230
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,289
É. Nem precisa trocar de roupa.
231
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,546
Mas você deveria dizer para o cara, sabe?
232
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,215
Como falei, para os homens,
as coisas são bem óbvias,
233
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:04,927
mas se alguém puxasse minha calça
e começasse a esmurrar meu pau,
234
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
eu não pensaria:
"Espero que ela se toque uma hora."
235
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,893
"Ai.
236
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Isto é guerra."
237
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,107
Eu diria: "De onde saiu? O que é isto?
238
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
Está tentando me matar?"
239
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Eis algo que nenhum cara gosta,
mas temos medo de contar para a mulher,
240
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
porque estamos perto de bimbar...
241
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Não tem muitos termos para retratar isso,
242
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,755
então "bimbar" é o mais apropriado...
243
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,758
Isto vai passar na Nickelodeon.
244
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Sim. Por isso estou de terno,
porque não sou disso.
245
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,058
Eu sempre me visto para deitar e rolar.
246
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:03,861
Mas achei um terno feminino
na Banana Republic e estou abafando.
247
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Eu pareço uma divorciada
que deu a volta por cima.
248
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,536
"Nem precisa voltar.
249
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,584
Agora eu tenho repertório."
250
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Mas eis algo que nenhum cara gosta.
251
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Sabe quando a mulher está por cima
logo antes de ele enfiar o pau dentro?
252
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
De novo, sei que não é a melhor forma
de dizer, mas acreditem,
253
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,809
tentei de cinco formas diferentes
254
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,854
e "enfiar o pau dentro" ganhou de lavada,
255
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,776
então imagine
como as outras quatro eram horríveis?
256
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,903
Logo vira a melhor.
257
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Sabe quando a mulher está por cima,
e vão mandar ver?
258
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Viu? É isso!
259
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,287
É disso que estou falando.
260
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,207
Sabe quando a mulher está por cima
e bota o pau dentro?
261
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Algumas dão uma deslizada em cima do pau
262
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
antes de botar. Tipo:
"Está gostando disso?"
263
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Não. Dói muito.
Mulheres, por favor, parem de fazer isso.
264
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Por favor. Só bota logo.
265
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,435
Dói pra caralho.
266
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,854
Dói, e mesmo que você se depile ou não,
267
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,815
lá embaixo sempre espeta, sabe?
268
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Daí você esfrega isso
em nossos pauzinhos indefesos.
269
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Isso dói.
270
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
E você diz: "Está gostando?"
271
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
"Não. Já levou uma chave de braço?
É a mesma sensação.
272
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,664
Parece o amigo estranha da minha mãe
que fazia isso quando ela não estava."
273
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,627
Todos se lembram
daquele amigo estranho, certo?
274
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,465
Todos subiam, e ele dizia:
"Já viu uma chave de braço?"
275
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
E você: "Não."
276
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,012
No começo, dizia: "Legal!"
Depois: "Para, senhor!"
277
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:04,565
É. Nenhum cara gosta disso.
278
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
É péssimo. Parece uma lixa.
279
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Acho que as mulheres não sabem
280
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
porque a expressão de dor e de tesão
são as mesmas na transa,
281
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
são tipo: "Ah." Então tipo...
282
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Mas dói muito,
283
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
e, de repente, seu pau fica todo lascado,
284
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:29,048
irritado e, no dia seguinte, você acorda
e pensa: "Que porra é esta?
285
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
O que foi isso?
286
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Peguei uma DST que aparece
depois de 24 horas? Que loucura."
287
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Então vou ao médico e digo:
"Cara, o que é isso?"
288
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,142
E ele: "Precisa aprender a foder."
289
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,227
E eu: "O quê? Mas o que é isso?"
290
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:47,524
Os médicos em Staten Island
são bem diferentes.
291
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Não sei. Eu...
292
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Tenho muitos amigos gays.
293
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Gosto dos meus amigos gays porque não acho
que exista uma relação mais sincera
294
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
entre um cara gay e um cara hétero
295
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
porque não eles não têm nada a ganhar,
296
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
então é pura sinceridade.
297
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
E os gays são as pessoas
mais sinceras do mundo,
298
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
mas também cruéis, mas...
299
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
poderíamos dizer que sinceras,
mas são muito cruéis.
300
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,558
Vou dar um exemplo.
301
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Saí da casa da minha mãe.
Bem, é minha também.
302
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:30,067
Foda-se. Não tenho que me explicar.
Estou à vontade com a minha situação.
303
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Não. Adoro morar com minha mãe,
porque eu moro no porão.
304
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
É um apartamento...
305
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,878
e tem o andar de cima,
que chamamos de área comum...
306
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,381
porque moramos juntos.
307
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:57,219
Tenho a minha própria entrada.
Diz: "Entrada...
308
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,221
do Pete."
309
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Pois é.
310
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
É muito legal. Tem bala para dar e vender.
311
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Pode rir, mas só os descolados
podem entrar, sério mesmo.
312
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,905
Minha mãe tem que bater.
313
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,116
É, não...
314
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,493
Ela nunca entra de supetão, sempre bate.
315
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,289
Enfim, pois é.
316
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
E toda garota com quem saio tem
um monte de amigos gays, certo?
317
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Mas sempre tem um amigo
que eu não acho que seja gay.
318
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:35,674
É, as mulheres riem.
319
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:38,802
E os caras dizem:
"É, Kyle. Ele que se foda.
320
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,222
Odeio esse cara.
Não posso dizer nada, mas quero dizer."
321
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:47,853
Se está confusa, é aquele cara
que seu namorado chega
322
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,315
e fala: "Qual é a do Kyle?
323
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Esse cara não sai de perto."
324
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Sua namorada sempre responde
a mesma coisa: "Quem, ele? Kyle?"
325
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,616
E você: "É, qual é a desse cara?
326
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,117
O que está havendo?"
327
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,621
E sua namorada vai dizer:
"Tenha dó. Ele é gay."
328
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:08,957
E você vai dizer: "Bem, já confirmou isso?
329
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,462
Está na boca do povo?
É de conhecimento geral que ele é gay?"
330
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,505
E então ela dirá a mesma coisa:
331
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,341
"Não, mas todo mundo sabe."
332
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
E você: "Este cara aqui, não.
333
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Eu não sei disso. Não.
Estou ligado em você, Kyle."
334
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,183
Ele dorme na casa dela.
335
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,518
Se odeia tanto a xoxota,
por que se aconchega?
336
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,229
É muito estranho.
337
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,232
Nunca vai me ver aconchegado
com uma multa de trânsito
338
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,108
ou algo assim, sabe?
339
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,489
Sim, são coisas diferentes,
mas para mim, serve.
340
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Eu não entendo.
341
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Tem um tipo de cara gay...
342
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,499
que chamo de "mão-boba",
343
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,253
porque não temos regras para os gays.
344
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
Eles podem fazer o que quiserem.
345
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
É loucura.
346
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Tipo, vai lá e arrasa, bee,
mas também não abusa.
347
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,848
Verdade! Tem o gay mão-boba, certo?
348
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
É aquele cara que chega na sua namorada
349
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
e aperta os peitos,
dá um tapa na bunda dela
350
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,523
e diz: "Caramba, mana, arrasou!"
351
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Não acho isso
nem um pouco engraçado. Desculpa.
352
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Sou a favor dos gays,
não quer dizer que eu seja contra.
353
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Mas você sabe como foi difícil
me deixarem apertar os peitos?
354
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,040
Sabe quantos aniversários
355
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,333
e amigas eu perdi?
356
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
Os Natais em passei em Ohio...
357
00:21:38,505 --> 00:21:40,841
e você já chega podendo dar tapa na bunda?
358
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,509
Isso não é justo.
359
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
É, bem na sua frente.
Anda, dá um tapa e ri.
360
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Só porque ele pode, sabe?
361
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
Eu nunca faria isso só porque eu posso.
362
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Eu não chegaria no namorado,
pegaria do pau dele
363
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,774
e diria: "Boa, Gary.
Não curto, mas legal!"
364
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
"Por quê?
365
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,452
O que foi? Sou hétero."
366
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,629
Há certas regras para certas pessoas
que eu não entendo.
367
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Não faz sentido para mim, sabe?
368
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Mas não posso fazer nada
porque já imaginei essa batalha,
369
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,764
sei que muitos de vocês também,
e nunca dá boa.
370
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:29,931
Sempre me dou mal.
371
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Eu vou até ele, ele dá um tapa
na bunda e pega nos peitos dela,
372
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
dá umas risadas,
373
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,566
e aí eu digo: "Que porra é essa, Kyle?"
374
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,986
E então Kyle decide sair do armário
375
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,614
e dizer: "Eu sou gay."
376
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,535
E acabou. Ele venceu.
É isso. Fim da batalha.
377
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
É mais fácil dizer: "Desculpa aí."
378
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:57,667
Me disseram que é só tocar ou ir fundo.
379
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,091
É estranho, porque só funciona...
380
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
com um gay e uma mulher hétero.
381
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:09,137
Não funciona de outra forma.
382
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,640
Não funciona com um hétero e uma lésbica.
383
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,184
Não posso chegar,
pegar nos peitos de uma lésbica
384
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:16,436
e dizer: "Tudo bem. Ninguém gosta disso."
385
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,489
Eu me dou mal direto.
386
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,575
A polícia me parou a caminho daqui...
387
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
Alguém aqui coloca Billy Joel
quando é parado pela polícia?
388
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Porque pensa que o policial vai dizer:
389
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
"Habilitação... Billy Joel! Mentira, cara!
390
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
Não é um merda.
391
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Pensei que estivesse ouvindo 2 Chainsz
ou algo assim. Beleza."
392
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,719
É ainda mais estranho quando não funciona.
393
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,598
Você sentado lá, e ele diz:
"Habilitação e documento...
394
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,475
Dá para tirar esse Bill Withers?"
395
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Mas me dou mal direto.
396
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Ano passado me dei mal
porque fiz umas piadas
397
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
e por tirar sarro de um senhor
398
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:11,992
da política que tem um tapa-olho.
Ele se chama Dan Crenshaw.
399
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Não fiz nada de errado.
400
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Minhas palavras foram distorcidas
401
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
para que um cara ficasse famoso,
402
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
mas, sim, eu não...
403
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Foi basicamente isso. Eu gostaria...
404
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Como não tenho Twitter,
405
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:30,844
não posso me explicar toda vez
que algo ruim acontece.
406
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,890
Pensei: "Então vou fazer um especial
e dizer para todo mundo,
407
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,976
já que não estou na internet."
408
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,939
Se eu entrar para a internet,
é provável que eu seja preso."
409
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Então tirei sarro do cara
que tem um tapa-olho
410
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
e depois fui obrigado a me desculpar
411
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
porque as pessoas ameaçaram atirar
na minha cara
412
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
e, infelizmente, não atendi essa ligação,
413
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,249
foi quem mora comigo,
414
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
e ela não curtiu muito...
415
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
então achou que eu deveria me desculpar
416
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
para não levar um tiro na cara.
417
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Então. Eu...
418
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
É o seguinte. Como eu disse,
meu papel é bem limitado no SNL.
419
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Não sei se já me viu.
420
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Provavelmente não,
mas não tem muito que eu possa fazer.
421
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
Então estávamos lá, pensando:
422
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
"O que porra pode fazer, cara?"
423
00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,660
"É da família do deboche, certo?
Fica debochando."
424
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
Falei: "Claro que isso existe.
Família do deboche, certo."
425
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,000
Disseram: "Por que não debocha
dos políticos
426
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:45,627
e tudo mais no Weekend Update?"
427
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
Pensei: "Da hora.
Isso me dá mais seis episódios."
428
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Falei: "Pode crer. Legal."
429
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Então são as mesmas regras
de deboche do 8 Mile, certo?
430
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Você tira sarro de si mesmo
e depois de todo o resto, certo?
431
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Então recebi uma folha de papel
com um monte de rostos.
432
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
E comecei a fazer piadas.
433
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Esse cara, aquela moça,
434
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:12,195
daí aparece o tal do Dan Crenshaw.
435
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
E ele tem um tapa-olho.
436
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
Então, de cara, pensei:
"Esse tem senso de humor."
437
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Porque tem um tapa-olho, sabe?
438
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Se perder o olho, tem três opções
439
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
antes do tapa-olho, certo?
Não estou sendo babaca. Sério.
440
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Olho de vidro,
olho de vidro com óculos escuros,
441
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
óculos escuros ou um tapa-olho, certo?
442
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Então pensei: "Cara engraçado.
443
00:26:36,219 --> 00:26:39,180
Esse é consciente.
Isso que é levar na esportiva."
444
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Pensei: "Vou fazer uma piada inofensiva
445
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
e tudo mais, certo?" Tipo:
446
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
"Esse cara parece um assassino
de filme pornô."
447
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
Bem inofensiva,
a nível do Saturday Night Live,
448
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,323
onde pensa: "Próxima, por favor."
449
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,867
Esse foi eu no táxi.
450
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Aí que começa.
451
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Esquece isso.
452
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Sem problemas. Esquece isso.
Nunca aconteceu. De volta à transa.
453
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
De volta à transa. Nunca aconteceu.
454
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,848
Sempre quis fazer isso.
455
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Parabéns pela transa.
456
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Obrigado por não parar
e continuar assistindo.
457
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Desculpa. Eu...
458
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
sempre quis que isso acontecesse
enquanto eu via algo na Netflix.
459
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
E aí, como foi? Foi bom?
460
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,375
Tudo que você esperava? Espero que sim.
461
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,297
Deve ter sido bom parar
na merda do Crenshaw,
462
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,132
seu filho da puta."
463
00:28:00,970 --> 00:28:02,764
"Estamos curtindo... Não, desculpa.
464
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,557
Nem... Tudo bem.
465
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Então anotei a piadinha:
466
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
"Esse cara parece um assassino
de filme pornô."
467
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Sem nem pensar.
468
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Então, de repente,
469
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,948
antes de eu apresentar a porra do Update,
470
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
um dos que me ajudava no roteiro diz:
471
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
"Ei, cara. Dei uma pesquisada."
472
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
Falei: "Agora você pesquisa?"
E ele disse: "Sim."
473
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,041
Esperam até o último minuto lá.
474
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
E ele: "Sabe aquele Dan Crenshaw?
475
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Acho que ele perdeu o olho
na guerra ou algo assim."
476
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
Falei: "O quê?"
E me chamaram para apresentar.
477
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,221
Falei: "Porra!" E ele:
"Cara, relaxa. Vai ficar tudo bem.
478
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
É você lá, não eu. Vai dar tudo certo."
479
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,229
Cheguei lá e tentei ficar ligado,
o que é difícil,
480
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:54,357
porque estou sempre chapado
de cogumelos ou algo assim.
481
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Então ficar ligado é sempre dificílimo.
482
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:03,658
Ficar ligado não é o problema,
é ficar ligado de repente.
483
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
Tipo: "Ei!" E você: "Opa!"
484
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,956
Agradeço às 12 pessoas
que entenderam isso.
485
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,502
A piada da transa.
486
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Como eu disse,
estão liberando geral na Netflix.
487
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Cara, você transou de novo? Que demais.
488
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Obrigado por voltar.
489
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Eu agradeço.
490
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Cara, deve ter sido bom. Botou pra lá.
491
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,813
Sério, no meio da merda do Crenshaw?
492
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:35,148
Isso é...
493
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:43,823
Estou curtindo tanto quanto você,
é primeira vez que ouço.
494
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,454
Então, vou apresentar, certo?
495
00:29:49,537 --> 00:29:51,998
E meu amigo disse
que ele perdeu o olho na guerra,
496
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,876
então penso: "Preciso ficar ligado.
497
00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:57,378
Preciso me desculpar depois da piada.
498
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,088
Sair por cima, certo?"
499
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Então saio... E eu peço desculpas.
500
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:04,511
Lembro exatamente como foi.
501
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,263
Lembro exatamente o que falei.
Nunca vou esquecer.
502
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Falei: "Dan Crenshaw.
Ele parece um assassino de filme pornô."
503
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Ouvi aquela risada medíocre.
504
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
E logo emendei:
505
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
"Desculpa. Sei que ele pode ter perdido
o olho na guerra e tal.
506
00:30:20,568 --> 00:30:22,445
Que seja." E as pessoas disseram:
507
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
"Você odeia os EUA!"
508
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
Falei: "Não! Só não queria errar
sobre como ele perdeu o olho."
509
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
Isso é crime, por acaso?
510
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
Ele pode ter perdido o olho na guerra.
511
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
Não sei como perdeu.
Pode ter sido no Afeganistão.
512
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,669
Pode ter sido fazendo um sanduíche.
Não faço ideia.
513
00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:41,506
Foi mal não ter
as figurinhas do Dan Crenshaw
514
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
com seus recordes e informações.
515
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Foi mal. É uma expressão.
516
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Tentei ficar ligado, sabe?
517
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,139
General Patton.
518
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:52,183
Um dos maiores heróis dos EUA.
519
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
Ele morreu na Alemanha nazista
uma semana após a guerra em um acidente.
520
00:30:56,312 --> 00:31:02,402
Mas quando falamos dele,
dizemos que ele morreu na guerra, sabe?
521
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
É mais fácil dizer do que dizer:
522
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
Ele venceu a guerra
e fez uma conversão proibida..."
523
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
É uma expressão.
Não quer dizer que eu odeio os EUA.
524
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,584
A única coisa que eu não gosto é
quando dizem:
525
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:20,253
"Ele venceu por sua causa." Não é verdade.
526
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,213
A maioria já tinha votado,
527
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:26,092
e ele é um republicano
com um tapa-olho no Texas,
528
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
então já estava no papo desde o início.
529
00:31:31,639 --> 00:31:33,182
Eu podia ter contado isso.
530
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
No Texas, só aparece as fotos.
531
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
É assim que votam.
532
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Então eu não fiz
aquele cara vencer, certo?
533
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
É por causa dos EUA.
534
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,532
E isto aqui também.
535
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Pois é. Não o ajudei em nada.
536
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:55,997
A única coisa que foi por minha causa
537
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,000
e, peço desculpas,
é que tornei o cara famoso
538
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:01,252
e um nome de peso sem motivo.
539
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Eu fiz o que a Ariana Grande fez
por mim, certo?
540
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Pois é.
541
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
Eu chupei o pau dele no SNL.
542
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Eu não ia fazer piadas sobre isso,
mas meu amigo disse:
543
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
"Ouvi que Ariana disse
que ela não tinha ideia de quem você era
544
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
e te usou como distração."
545
00:32:25,276 --> 00:32:27,570
Então agora acho que vale tudo.
546
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Então...
547
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
Não batam palma.
548
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,659
Não é um show de Drake contra Lil Wayne.
549
00:32:32,742 --> 00:32:34,786
Não é uma competição, sabe?
550
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Ela tem as músicas dela e tal,
e eu tenho isto aqui.
551
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Então, então chega. Bem...
552
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Pode pensar: "Não é justo.
Isso é lavação de roupa suja.
553
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Como pode? Onde ela disse isso?
554
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,302
Para as amigas na casa dela?"
555
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Não, ela disse na capa da Vogue.
556
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Imagina se eu faço isso?
557
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Minha carreira acaba amanhã.
558
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Se eu me bronzeasse demais,
559
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,237
saísse na capa da Vogue
560
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,116
e começasse a falar mal da minha ex,
imagina...
561
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Não batam palmas.
São para Drake contra Lil Wayne.
562
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,329
Não curto. Gosto de risadas.
563
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,455
São só piadas.
564
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Imagina se eu faço isso? Falo:
565
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:24,293
"É, transei com ela por puro tédio,
566
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,796
até o Fortnite ser lançado."
Seria loucura.
567
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:34,554
E você pensa: "Mas aconteceu algo com ela,
sofreu alguma retaliação, certo?
568
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Não. Ela ganhou o prêmio
de Mulher do Ano da Billboard,
569
00:33:38,516 --> 00:33:41,894
e o barstoolsports.com me chamou
de olhos de panda.
570
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Às vezes, a vida é um pouco injusta.
571
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
De novo, são piadas.
Não quero confusão, certo?
572
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Meu maior medo é levar um tiro na cabeça
573
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,666
de uma menina de nove anos
com rabo de cavalo,
574
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
dizendo: "Hashtag cancelado."
575
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
E isso saindo da minha cabeça.
576
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
De novo, não quero confusão com...
meninas de nove anos.
577
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Não, essa Ariana é uma mulher poderosa.
578
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
Ela é uma mulher muito poderosa
e muito inteligente.
579
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Só assim para estragar a Starbucks
para alguém.
580
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:33,321
Esses dias, entrei na Starbucks
581
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:35,990
e falei: "Quero um café médio."
E o cara...
582
00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:45,583
Falei: "Foda-se. Vou à Dunkin 'Donuts."
583
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
"Por que estão se livrando delas?
Não consigo achar uma."
584
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Muitos me perguntam como foi...
585
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
Foi como qualquer término,
só que todos testemunharam.
586
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Eu não sabia no que...
587
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Meio que sabia no que estava me metendo,
mas não sabia das fotos.
588
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Se eu soubesse, teria ido
ao dermatologista antes do namoro.
589
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Eu teria me prevenido, mas não...
590
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:15,696
Foi como qualquer término.
Chama os amigos.
591
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:16,948
Todos mentem para você.
592
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
Dizem: "Relaxa, cara.
Ninguém sabe quem ela é."
593
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
Tudo bem. Está melhor sem ela.
Sem problema."
594
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
A música foi lançada,
595
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,045
e meus amigos disseram:
"Cara, eu te amo, certo?"
596
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,171
"É chiclete.
597
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,009
Ela gruda na cabeça.
Vai passar oito meses na merda. Lamento."
598
00:35:37,093 --> 00:35:39,929
"Foi mal. Eu gostei da música.
599
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:41,889
Gosto de você, mas..."
600
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Meu avô disse: "É foda.
601
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
"Peter, é foda. Lamento.
602
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
A música é boa,
e eu nem ouço essas merdas."
603
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Falei: "Já entendi!"
604
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,830
Pois é. A única coisa
que não gostei de tudo isso,
605
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:08,166
que é um equívoco comum,
606
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
é não ter curtido tudo aquilo
que ela falou do meu pau.
607
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:14,046
Achei superestranho.
608
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
Foi tipo: "Não deu certo, mas belo pau."
609
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Achei bem estranho,
porque todo mundo disse:
610
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
"Que garota bacana."
611
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
Primeiro, vamos analisar.
Imagina se eu falo isso?
612
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
Imagina se eu falo:
"Lamento, não deu certo. Bela xoxota!
613
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,276
Bem molhadinha!
614
00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:37,904
Uma boceta da porra, mas foi mal."
615
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
É ridículo.
616
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
Tive que ficar...
617
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Foi a única coisa.
618
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Não gostei porque não é verdade.
619
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
É que ela tem mãos pequenas.
620
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Bem pequenininhas.
621
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Tudo é enorme para ela.
622
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
Era nossa brincadeira juntos.
623
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:11,812
Eu ficava: "Enorme para você,
mas pequeno para o resto. Demais!"
624
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Sabe?
625
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Então se pergunta:
"Por quê? Se ela sabe disso,
626
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
por que contaria a todos
sobre o pênis enorme que você tem?"
627
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
Por que ela faria isso?
Porque quem vê de fora, pensa:
628
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
"Nossa, moça bacana.
Não deu certo, mas falou bem."
629
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
"Contou que ele tem um belo pênis."
630
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:35,920
Não é por isso.
631
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
Ela fez isso...
632
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
Lembrem que ela é um gênio.
Muito inteligente.
633
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
Para que, pelo resto da minha vida,
toda garota que veja meu pau
634
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
fique decepcionada.
635
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
É genial!
636
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
Pelo resto da vida.
637
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Segura essa.
638
00:38:01,529 --> 00:38:03,781
Nem surfei na onda do meu pau grande,
639
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:05,616
ou seja lá como disseram.
640
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Parem com isso. Minha família sabe ler.
641
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,748
Minha pobre mãe.
642
00:38:14,166 --> 00:38:17,753
Enfim, vamos fazer umas piadas
do 11 de Setembro e dar o fora.
643
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
O que acham? Legal.
644
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:22,758
Só vou permitir essa animação desta vez.
645
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Meu pai morreu no 11 de Setembro.
646
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Fui obrigado a dizer isso
antes das minhas piadas
647
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,312
porque algumas pessoas não sabem,
mas eu contestei dizendo
648
00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:36,063
que discordo em fazer isso
649
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,150
porque vai interromper o stand-up
e deixar tudo bem estranho.
650
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Eu venci. Tinha razão.
651
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Quando seu pai morre
e trabalha para o Estado, o governo...
652
00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,745
Ele era bombeiro. Seja lá o que for.
653
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Às vezes, sua família recebe
um pouco de dinheiro.
654
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Não é muito. Um pouco. Então...
655
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
recebemos um pouco, e minha mãe,
656
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,591
para animar minha irmã e a mim,
657
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
quis usar o dinheiro
para construir uma piscina.
658
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
Ela achou que construir
uma piscina e tipo,
659
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,312
as pessoas iriam querer ser nossas amigas
e nos visitar para nadar nela.
660
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
O que é sombrio.
661
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:21,901
"Nadem na piscina da morte."
662
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:25,613
É, a ideia é boa,
663
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
mas a cada salto,
um sentimento conflitante.
664
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Dando voltas todo dia
e perguntando: "Está certo?"
665
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Minha mãe deu uma piscina
para minha irmã e eu.
666
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Eu tinha sete anos quando meu pai morreu,
e crianças não entendem isso.
667
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Não sabem o que está acontecendo.
668
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
A piscina ficou pronta,
e meus colegas diziam:
669
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
"Que sorte, cara. Você é rico.
Tem uma piscina."
670
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
E eu: "É, que sorte ter uma piscina
671
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
que encho de lágrimas todo verão."
672
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Você sabe que está rico
quando consegue nadar na própria tristeza.
673
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,951
"Ainda bem que Osama bin Laden acordou
a tempo, sabe por quê?
674
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
Eu não teria uma piscina!
675
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,415
Desculpa. Apareça lá depois."
676
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:22,878
"Vou ficar com ela, Jason.
Não ligo para o que diz."
677
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,300
Tive que fazer uma parada
sobre meu pai no verão.
678
00:40:28,384 --> 00:40:29,718
Tive que filmar algo.
679
00:40:29,802 --> 00:40:33,597
Então tive que pesquisar sobre meu pai
680
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
e visitar os amigos dele, certo?
681
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:40,104
Eu sou de Staten Island, meu pai também,
então os amigos são como eu.
682
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
Pobretões, certo?
683
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Sim. Somos lixo. Literalmente.
684
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Somos conhecidos
por ter o maior depósito de lixo
685
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,116
que dá até para ver do espaço.
686
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
É o que o taxista diz
ao entrar em Staten Island.
687
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,123
"Não sei se você sabe
mas aqui tem o maior depósito de lixo."
688
00:40:59,206 --> 00:41:01,375
Em vez de: "Olha a árvore!"
689
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:08,382
E você pensa: "O que aconteceu
com o depósito? E o que fizeram com ele?"
690
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,092
Construíram um parque em cima.
691
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
E você: "Então se livraram
de todo o lixo?"
692
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Não. Eles construíram
um maldito parque em cima.
693
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Então, em dez anos,
quando começa a desmoronar,
694
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
as crianças vão se cortar
com Hondas de 1998.
695
00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:32,114
Só quero explicar
como é o povo de Staten Island.
696
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Não foi um bom exemplo.
697
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:38,204
É como se você tivesse um Marlboro Red,
jogasse na banheira,
698
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:39,705
e ele ganhasse vida.
699
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
É...
700
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
É...
701
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
como um cara de Staten Island é.
702
00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:54,178
Enfim, tive que ir encontrar
os amigos dele, certo?
703
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:59,433
Mas as histórias que eu sabia do meu pai
eram de quando eu tinha sete anos,
704
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
então as que eles estavam me contando
eram bem diferentes
705
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
do que eu já tinha ouvido.
706
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Nem reconhecia o cara. Vou dar um exemplo.
707
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Quando eu era pequeno,
os amigos do meu pai diziam:
708
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
"Seu pai era o cara.
709
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Jogávamos basquete
e fazíamos o dever de casa.
710
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Ele sempre raspava o prato.
711
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Sempre raspava o prato!
712
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,630
Raspe!"
713
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:30,714
Por quê?
714
00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,383
Eu descobri...
715
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:35,886
Tem um motivo para ser difícil
raspar o prato com sete anos.
716
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,306
É porque os adultos servem
o mesmo tanto que servem a eles,
717
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,100
e termo um terço do tamanho.
718
00:42:41,183 --> 00:42:45,104
Então ficamos cheios no meio,
e alguém gritando não ajuda em nada.
719
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:47,982
Só faz todo mundo ficar gordo. Entende?
720
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,694
Minha mãe dizia:
"Tem criança passando fome na África."
721
00:42:52,528 --> 00:42:55,155
Essa era a frase de chantagem emocional.
722
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:56,824
Eu dizia: "Pode até ser,
723
00:42:56,907 --> 00:43:01,036
mas se um garoto na África comesse
o que eu comi, ele diria: "Estou cheio."
724
00:43:04,415 --> 00:43:07,501
Gostei que metade pensou: "Que engraçado."
725
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,754
E a outra metade:
"Não sei se dá para brincar com isso."
726
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,300
Temos que perguntar
ao São Pedro do Twitter.
727
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,304
O Twitter é os portões do Céu.
728
00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,932
Decide o futuro de todos.
729
00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:27,521
Enfim, então tive que me encontrar
com os amigos do meu pai e falei:
730
00:43:27,605 --> 00:43:30,441
"Conte histórias sobre meu pai."
E ele disse:
731
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:33,819
"Cheirávamos cocaína direto!"
732
00:43:35,779 --> 00:43:36,989
E eu: "O quê?"
733
00:43:38,073 --> 00:43:41,368
Ele respondeu:
"Desculpa, não era para eu contar?"
734
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:45,372
E eu: "Não, tudo bem,
só não estava esperando.
735
00:43:45,456 --> 00:43:49,376
Sempre ouvi que ele jogava basquete,
736
00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,796
fazia o dever de casa
e raspava o prazo, sabe?
737
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:57,134
Acho que o terceiro ainda se aplica,
mas... pois é.
738
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:03,766
Eu não esperava..."
E ele: "É para eu te proteger?
739
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,519
Contei mais do que devia?"
Falei: "Não. Como eu disse,
740
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:10,814
cresci pensando que meu pai era um herói,
741
00:44:10,898 --> 00:44:13,484
não sabia que era um super-herói.
742
00:44:13,567 --> 00:44:15,611
Não sabia que era
o cara mais legal do mundo."
743
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:19,990
Mais dos anos 90, impossível.
Cheirando pó e apagando incêndio. Lenda.
744
00:44:20,449 --> 00:44:22,076
Nunca fiquei tão orgulhoso.
745
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,287
Caramba, como fiquei feliz!
Não é incrível?
746
00:44:25,371 --> 00:44:27,081
Imagina sua casa pegando fogo,
747
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:30,084
um caminhão de bombeiros chega.
Um cara sai e diz:
748
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:32,127
"Vou pegar o hidrante." O outro sai
749
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,005
e diz: "Vou isolar o perímetro."
Daí meu pai sai e diz:
750
00:44:35,089 --> 00:44:40,094
"Vamos nessa! Sem capacete!"
751
00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:41,804
Obrigado, pessoal.
752
00:44:41,887 --> 00:44:43,889
Tenha uma boa noite. Eu agradeço.
753
00:44:43,972 --> 00:44:45,349
Obrigado pela presença.
754
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:47,601
Obrigado.
755
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,673
COMO LIDAR COM UM PÊNIS ENORME
756
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,729
PETE DAVIDSON
ESGOTADO
757
00:45:37,693 --> 00:45:41,697
O stand-up acabou,
mas gosto de contar uma história.
758
00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,699
Sim, é uma que quero contar.
759
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:48,120
É a única outra história
que ouvi sobre meu pai, certo?
760
00:45:49,037 --> 00:45:53,751
Então, eu estava com um cara e falei:
"Conte histórias sobre meu pai."
761
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:55,169
Ele contou da cocaína,
762
00:45:55,252 --> 00:45:57,129
e eu falei: "Tem outra história?"
763
00:45:57,212 --> 00:45:58,839
E ele: "Tenho outra."
764
00:45:58,922 --> 00:46:03,427
Pensei: "Ótimo." Ele disse: "Uma vez..."
765
00:46:03,510 --> 00:46:04,511
Ele fala assim.
766
00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:07,264
Não quero que pense
que inventei esse cara.
767
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:10,559
Seria constrangedor,
mas é assim que o cara fala. Ele disse:
768
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:14,730
"Uma vez, eu e seu pai fomos
a um casamento em Poconos."
769
00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:17,149
Poconos é as Bahamas dos pobretões.
770
00:46:17,232 --> 00:46:21,236
É onde você tentar salvar casamento,
771
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,280
transa em uma banheira de coração,
772
00:46:23,363 --> 00:46:26,116
coloca uma moeda e a cama vibra,
773
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,702
e diz: "Vibra na batida da nossa vida!"
774
00:46:32,456 --> 00:46:35,918
Ele disse: "Estávamos em Poconos.
775
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:37,878
Em um casamento, certo?
776
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:40,756
Estava no casamento,
e estávamos nos divertindo.
777
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:43,091
Dançávamos e estávamos
pra lá de Marraquexe, certo?
778
00:46:43,175 --> 00:46:47,471
Pra lá de Marraquexe."
Falei: "Legal, cara. Direto de 1987."
779
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:49,765
"Pra lá de Marraquexe."
Ainda tenho orgulho.
780
00:46:51,725 --> 00:46:54,645
E ele diz:
"Então, eu e seu pai no casamento
781
00:46:54,728 --> 00:46:57,523
e nós dividimos um quarto em Poconos.
782
00:46:57,606 --> 00:47:02,653
Estava com uma garota
e queria transar com ela, certo?"
783
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,905
Ele sempre dizia "certo?",
como se eu fosse dizer:
784
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:07,908
"Não foi assim que a história aconteceu.
785
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,912
Nunca ouvi falar." Pois é.
786
00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:15,123
Ele: "Estava com uma garota
e queria transar com ela, certo?
787
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:19,503
Então fui procurar seu pai.
Procurei por toda parte. 'Cadê Scott?'"
788
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:23,757
Foi bem assim.
"Cadê Scott? Não estou vendo."
789
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Ele encenou mesmo.
790
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:32,808
Falou: "Talvez ele estivesse transando
com alguém, certo?
791
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,937
Então voltei para o quarto do hotel,
e seu pai tinha sumido, certo?
792
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:40,065
Estava com a garota,
e começamos a transar, certo?
793
00:47:40,148 --> 00:47:44,027
E foi foda, sabe?
Transei com ela de todo jeito.
794
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,364
De um lado, de outro,
depois fomos ao banheiro..."
795
00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:51,785
Pensei: "Quando meu pai entra na história?
Porque está parecendo
796
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:55,956
uma história de sexo de 1987
que você lembrou."
797
00:47:57,291 --> 00:48:01,211
Ele disse: "Ele vai aparecer.
Só quero que saiba que eu não amarelo."
798
00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:03,505
Falei: "Eu sei que não."
799
00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,050
E ele: "Estávamos transando, certo?
800
00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,720
Ela gozou, eu gozei, coisa e tal.
801
00:48:09,803 --> 00:48:13,807
Claro que ela gozou primeiro,
e depois terminamos, certo?
802
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,560
Estávamos deitados lá, quando...
803
00:48:17,936 --> 00:48:20,731
de repente, do outro lado do quarto,
804
00:48:20,814 --> 00:48:23,984
vi uma bituca de cigarro
brilhando no escuro.
805
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:27,696
Acendi a luz. Era o seu pai!
806
00:48:29,197 --> 00:48:31,116
Falei: 'Scott! Estava te procurando!'
807
00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,785
E ele disse: 'Obrigado pelo espetáculo.'"
808
00:48:36,413 --> 00:48:38,498
Aí ele disse: "Esse era o seu pai!
809
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,294
Não é uma grande história?"
810
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:43,378
Falei: "Não!
811
00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:47,299
Não está contando por aí, não é?
Que história péssima.
812
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:51,553
A garota está viva?
Preciso comprar o silêncio dela.
813
00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:53,639
Que história foi essa?"
814
00:48:54,806 --> 00:48:57,643
Enfim, obrigado por virem.
Boa noite. Obrigado.
815
00:49:01,730 --> 00:49:06,276
Legendas: Paola Pastorelli
1
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:09,467
Louis C.K. a încercat
să mă concedieze de la SNL în primul an
2
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,760
și asta e povestea.
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:17,017
Era 2014 sau 2015,
la finalul sezonului SNL,
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:21,479
și eram atât de șocat și fericit
că nu fusesem concediat,
5
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,108
ăsta fiind un sentiment
pe care-l retrăiesc săptămânal.
6
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:29,779
E nemaipomenit.
Încă nu-mi vine să cred. E foarte amuzant.
7
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:32,449
Așa că sărbătoream, știți?
8
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,659
Louis C.K. era gazdă, iar pe atunci,
9
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,829
el era un comediant foarte respectat.
10
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,291
Pe atunci. Da.
11
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:46,046
Pe atunci, era cineva pe care-l admirai
și-i căutai aprobarea,
12
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:46,963
pe atunci.
13
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,386
Pe atunci, era cineva
care-ți doreai să fie amabil cu tine.
14
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,724
Oricum, el era gazda,
iar eu eram încântat,
15
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,309
așa că am fumat un joint
16
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,269
în cabina mea,
17
00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,064
și în timp ce plecam,
îndreptându-mă spre lift,
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,400
Louis C.K. întreținea atmosfera
19
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,278
și vorbea
cu unii dintre actori și scriitori,
20
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:14,282
niște oameni mișto,
și era clar că erau implicați în discuție,
21
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,493
așa că mi-am zis: „Nu vreau să mă bag.”
22
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,996
Eram drogat.
Nu voiam să le stric momentul.
23
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,791
Nu voiam ca tipul ăla să știe că exist.
24
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:26,461
Mi-am pus gluga peste cap,
m-am acoperit foarte bine
25
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:29,923
și m-am dus până în partea cealaltă
a lifturilor
26
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:32,509
ca să nu-i incomodez în niciun fel.
27
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,720
Am apăsat butonul și așteptam.
28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:40,391
Brusc, Louis C.K. oprește discuția.
Ridică privirea, arată spre mine și zice:
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,144
„Uite cât de drogat e Pete,
idiotul nenorocit!
30
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,438
Te droghezi la muncă. Tâmpitule!
31
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,732
O să-ți distrugi cariera. Idiotule!”
32
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,363
Eram atât de drogat că mi-am zis:
„Asta nu s-a întâmplat.
33
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,532
Nu.
34
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,784
Nu.
35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,162
Problema e la mine, sigur.
36
00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:04,290
Probabil, a zis: «Pe mâine, campionule»”.
37
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:10,088
Merg la muncă a doua zi și sunt apelat
din biroul lui Lorne Michaels.
38
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,758
A fost îngrijorător
pentru că eram acolo de un an
39
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:17,220
și încă nu fusesem apelat
de biroul lui până atunci.
40
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:20,974
Mi-am zis: „Rahat.”
Am răspuns la telefon și mi-au zis:
41
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:25,979
„Louis tocmai a plecat din biroul
lui Lorne. A fost să vorbească despre tine
42
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:31,734
și acum Lorne vrea să vorbească cu tine.”
Eu zic: „Futu-i! Bine.”
43
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,903
Mă gândeam: „Voi fi dat afară.”
44
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,823
Asta am crezut,
așa că încercam să mă încurajez.
45
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,324
Îmi ziceam:
46
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,326
„Să-i fut. Tot ei cad de proști.
47
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,745
Te-au angajat și te-au concediat.
Dublă greșeală.”
48
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,499
Știți? Da.
Puteam să mă strecor prin spate
49
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,669
și nimeni n-ar fi observat.
Cui îi pasă, nu?
50
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:56,301
Așa că intram în biroul lui
încercând să mă simt mai bine
51
00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,887
și deschid ușa, iar Lorne stă acolo, da?
52
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,347
Pare foarte confuz,
53
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:05,518
ca și mine pentru că așa arăt eu.
54
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,147
Arăt de parcă tocmai mi-ai cerut
să fac o împărțire.
55
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,488
Oricum, pare foarte confuz
și zice: „Ia loc.”
56
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,200
Asta fac și zice: „Așadar...
57
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:27,582
Louis a venit să-mi spună
că fumezi iarbă.”
58
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,128
Am zis: „Da.
59
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:38,009
Zvonurile pe care le-ai auzit
par a fi adevărate.”
60
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,431
Apoi, se vedea în ochii lui
că părea dezumflat,
61
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:46,434
de parcă nu știa ce să spună.
Cu ochii transmitea:
62
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,728
„Regret că avem această discuție,
63
00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:51,522
dar Louis te-a pârât
și mi-a spus să vorbesc cu tine.
64
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,816
Și, personal, nu cred că e mare lucru
65
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,362
fiindcă se consuma cocaină aici
și, de fapt, cred că ești un fraier.
66
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,281
Îmi pare rău că avem discuția asta.”
67
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:04,827
Am citit asta în ochii lui
și cu ochii mei am zis: „Clar, frate.”
68
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:09,123
A fost ciudat timp de o secundă,
apoi a fost liniște
69
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:14,712
și apoi a zis:
„Da, mă gândesc că ai putea să...
70
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,924
fiindcă a zis că fumezi multă iarbă,
71
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:22,303
că ai putea să ai grijă
cu cantitatea de iarbă pe care o fumezi.”
72
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,473
Eu am zis: „Bine, voi avea grijă.
73
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,018
O să fiu numai cu ochii pe ea.
74
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,521
Nicio problemă. Sunt om de cuvânt.”
75
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:37,068
Și spune: „Da. Repet, îmi pare rău
că avem discuția asta,
76
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:40,989
dar Louis mi-a atras atenția,
a zis că îți distrugi cariera
77
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,159
și că ai fumat atâta iarbă la muncă
deunăzi că l-a deranjat.”
78
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:49,664
Eu zic: „Rahat! Pe bune?"
„Da”, îmi zice.
79
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,209
Și zic: „Deci, sunt concediat?”
80
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,585
El zice: „Nu.”
81
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,045
Am întrebat: „De ce?”
82
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,755
Și-mi zice: „Nu știu.”
83
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,469
Ceea ce, din nou,
e o conversație pe care o purtăm anual.
84
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,471
„Anul ăsta?”
85
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:08,808
„Nu știu. Nu încă. Vedem noi. Nu știu.”
86
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:16,607
Și asta m-a distrus.
A trebuit să plec din biroul ăla cu gândul
87
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,736
că Louis C.K. nu mă place, știți?
88
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,447
Discutabil,
unul dintre cei mai buni comedianți
89
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,950
și mai ales pe atunci...
90
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:30,288
M-a distrus
fiindcă nu știam de ce făceam stand-up
91
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:33,666
dacă tipul ăsta nu mă plăcea?
Voiam validarea cuiva
92
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,253
și mi-am zis: „Tipul ăsta
nu mă place pentru că fumez iarbă?
93
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,713
Asta e nașpa.”
94
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:42,592
Și a trebuit să mă gândesc la asta
timp de cinci ani.
95
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,428
Și apoi, într-o glorioasă dimineață...
96
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,559
m-am trezit
97
00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:56,105
și am citit: „Louis C.K. se masturbează
în fața femeilor.”
98
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,858
Și am făcut: „Da!”
99
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,447
Sunt... Știți ce vreau să spun.
N-am vrut să se întâmple,
100
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:08,993
dar dacă avea să se întâmple cuiva,
mă bucur că era el. E logic? Bine.
101
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,787
Nu, doar că...
102
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:14,916
să vă spun ce nebunie e să te masturbezi
de unul singur, da?
103
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:17,293
Da, să fiți în cameră cu mine.
104
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,378
E în regulă?
105
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,342
Când te masturbezi singur e...
106
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:28,429
Știți când te masturbezi și durează mult
încât nu reușești să-ți dai drumul?
107
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,598
Și zici: „Ești un ratat.
108
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,059
Nici pe tine nu te rezolvi.
109
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,521
Ce te face să crezi c-ar vrea altcineva
să și-o pună cu tine?”
110
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,482
E povestea veche, când te vezi în oglindă.
111
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,943
Mi s-a întâmplat fiindcă sunt idiot.
112
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:45,446
Nu se mai repetă
fiindcă acum mi-o frec în întuneric beznă.
113
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,198
Da, așa fac.
114
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,951
Telefonul cu fața în jos
c-ai putea primi un mesaj
115
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:54,038
care s-ar putea reflecta în oglindă
și te-ai vedea cu coada ochiului.
116
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,790
Apare sus, mesaj de la mama.
117
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:01,045
Ați încercat s-o frecați după ce-a trimis
mama mesaj? E aproape imposibil.
118
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,464
N-am spus imposibil, dar e pe aproape.
119
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,842
Unul dintre cele mai dificile lucruri.
120
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:13,433
Dar, nu, m-a deranjat să aud toate astea
pentru că mi-a părut rău
121
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,018
pentru femeile
în fața cărora a făcut laba.
122
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272
E foarte trist pentru că le-a afectat.
123
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,774
Numai dac-ar fi știut când Louis
124
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,110
și-a scos-o și-a început s-o frece,
125
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:26,571
dacă numai ar fi aprins un cui,
el ar fi zis:
126
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:30,074
„Futu-i! Aia-i iarbă? Drăcie! Animalelor!
127
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,744
Vă torn. Nenorocitelor! Futu-i!
128
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,664
O să vă distrugeți cariera.”
129
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,178
Prietenul meu pe care îl susțin financiar
a făcut un copil,
130
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,096
deci sunt tată.
131
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,476
Da, nu eram tocmai pregătit.
132
00:07:57,226 --> 00:08:00,813
M-a sunat. Era foarte entuziasmat.
„Frate, am vești grozave.”
133
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:05,151
Am zis: „Ai obținut o slujbă?”
„Nu, frate. Am un copil.”
134
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,613
Am zis:
„Frate, e exact opusul unei slujbe.”
135
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,784
Abia aștept să am un copil.
136
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:18,247
Nu cred că e foarte greu deloc.
Nu, fiindcă toți prietenii mei au,
137
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:22,210
iar nemulțumirile lor nu mă deranjează
prea mult.
138
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:26,005
Toate nemulțumirile lor sunt la fel:
„Frate, plânge!”
139
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,800
Le zic: „Omule, du-te în cealaltă cameră.”
140
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,848
Da, totul plânge. Știți?
Încerci să-l oprești și apoi pleci.
141
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:39,060
Eu plâng tot timpul. În final,
amicii zic: „Trebuie să merg la muncă.
142
00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:41,646
Nu știu. Rezolvă. Nu mai sta pe internet.”
143
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,234
Deci asta, spun că plânge
144
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,402
și cealaltă nemulțumire e că:
145
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,365
„Frate, se cacă tot timpul.”
Nici asta nu mă deranjează.
146
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,450
pentru că... și eu fac la fel.
147
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:59,497
Nu mă deranjează să curăț asta
la o scară mai mică.
148
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:02,625
În plus, când cureți copii,
uneori vedeți locuri
149
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,128
pe care le-ai ratat la tine. Da.
150
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,132
Știți? Zici: „Nu mi-am mai văzut niciodată
găoaza din unghiul ăsta.
151
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:13,427
Voi șterge cotlonul ăsta
când ies din duș.”
152
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:17,431
Ieși din duș și zici:
153
00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:18,933
„Mama mă-sii.”
154
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,816
Îmi place să fac pe dădaca
155
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,361
fiindcă microdozez ciuperci,
așa că vorbesc pe limba bebelușilor.
156
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,198
Da, îmi place. Vorbesc, știți?
157
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:37,618
Deunăzi, nepotul meu a făcut: „Câh!”,
158
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,246
iar eu:
„Dosare criminalistice. Am înțeles.”
159
00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:41,747
Deci, eram...
160
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:46,711
Ciupercile sunt grozave,
de parcă ai fi într-un montagne russe
161
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,589
când urci, dar nu cobori niciodată.
162
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,633
E doar drumul până sus când zici:
„E bestial!
163
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,929
E grozav! Nu-mi vine să cred
că facem asta! Doamne!"
164
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,139
Timp de patru ore.
165
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,773
S-a întâmplat ceva ciudat
când am fost dădacă.
166
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,694
Fiului prietenului meu îi ies dinții.
167
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:15,197
Ne uitam la Dosare criminalistice,
168
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,826
iar eu stăteam acolo, lui îi ieșeau dinții
169
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:23,372
așa că m-a apucat de mână
și-a început să-mi sugă degetele.
170
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,457
dar de-a binelea.
171
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,126
De genul...
172
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:31,631
E clar că nu le-am retras preț de o clipă.
173
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,594
Am zis: „Nu! Uau, dar nu! ”
174
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,145
Știu că gluma asta vă împarte
în două tabere.
175
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,690
Știu. Nu e prima oară când fac asta.
176
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,403
Știu că e ciudat să glumești așa
177
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,906
dar e o glumă, asta e un club de comedie.
178
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,825
Ar fi ciudat
dacă eram într-o întâlnire la primărie.
179
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,996
aș fi luat microfonul să zic:
„Iată câteva idei de-ale mele.
180
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,292
Bine. Mă duc în parcare cu Buttons.”
181
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:16,592
Cred că fetele ar trebui să spună tipilor
cum să le provoace orgasm.
182
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,972
De la prima dată când faci sex.
Înainte, ca o informare, știți?
183
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:27,603
Se pare că fiecare fată e diferită,
e ceea ce-mi spun.
184
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,860
Toate sunt diferite
și cred că una e moartă pe interior.
185
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,073
„Da, cred că ești defectă.”
186
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:42,868
Da.
187
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,794
Îmi pare rău. Nu știu.
Uneori spui chestii haioase.
188
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,841
Fetele ar trebui să le spună
cum să le provoace orgasm.
189
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,467
Nu când sunt confortabili.
190
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,220
Știu că nu vrei să-l jignești,
dar n-o vei face.
191
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:05,266
Nu e așa. Am putea fi în toiul acțiunii
192
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,643
și-ați putea spune: „Urăsc asta.”
Noi am spune:
193
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:13,232
„Și asta? E bine? Bine, s-a uitat.”
Nici nu s-a întâmplat. Știți?
194
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:17,737
Ar trebui să-i spui tipului. La tipi,
treaba e evidentă, nu?
195
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,614
Tragi de ea și își dă drumul, nu?
196
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,117
E foarte ușor.
Fiul meu ar putea s-o facă.
197
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,335
Dar, da, se pare că nu e greu
să le provoci orgasm.
198
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,463
Dacă transpiri și respiri greu,
199
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,256
mi s-a spus că ai greșit.
200
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:39,967
Dar tot ce știu e din pornografie
201
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,095
fiindcă am crescut cu o mamă și o soră.
202
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,097
Deci, n-am avut niciodată discuția aia.
203
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:50,060
N-a venit niciodată momentul ăla la cină
în care să mă simt confortabil să zic:
204
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,270
„Hei...
205
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,775
Dacă n-aș fi fiul sau fratele vostru...”
206
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,698
Tot ce știam era din pornografie,
207
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:06,035
adică multă mișcare și țipete și...
208
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,914
Știți, uneori te oprești
și faci câteva flotări
209
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:12,833
și apoi favorizezi partea dreapta.
Îmi pare rău.
210
00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:19,799
Nu știam, dar, din fericire,
mi-a spus o doamnă.
211
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:24,512
Se pare că e doar o chestie mică în vagin.
212
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:27,723
E ca un cerc mic. Cam... Știți, la box?
213
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,850
Seamănă cu chestia care stă așa.
214
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:32,895
Sacul de viteză.
215
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,733
Chestia în care tipii dau încet
sau destul de repede
216
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,736
și se pare că vaginul e la fel. Știți?
217
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,073
Atingi chestia aia foarte ușor...
218
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:48,494
sau o iei prin surprindere.
Astea sunt cele două opțiuni.
219
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,289
Da. Nu trebuie nici să-ți schimbi ținuta.
220
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,254
Dar ar trebui să-i spui tipului.
221
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:01,131
Cum am spus, legat de tipi, e evident,
222
00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,927
dar dacă mi-ar da cineva pantalonii jos
și-ar începe să mi-o lovească,
223
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,805
aș zice:
„O, futu-i! Sper să-și dea seama.
224
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,893
Au!
225
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:13,894
Ăsta e război.”
226
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,898
„Cine te-a trimis? Ce e asta?
227
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,193
E o tentativă de asasinat?”
228
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:29,118
Uite ceva ce niciunui tip nu-i place,
dar ne e frică să-i spunem fetei.
229
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:33,873
Știți, pentru că suntem atât de aproape
să ne-o tragem...
230
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,294
Nu sunt multe cuvinte
pentru a descrie asta,
231
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,129
așa că „ne-o tragem”
232
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:41,881
e cel mai potrivit...
233
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,425
Va apărea la Nickelodeon.
234
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:50,180
Da. De-aia port costum.
De obicei, nu port.
235
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,225
De obicei, mă îmbrac de parc-aș fi gata
să fiu acoperit de slime.
236
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:03,861
Dar am găsit un costum drăguț de femeie
la Banana Republic și fac furori acum.
237
00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:08,741
Arăt ca o soție divorțată
care și-a revenit.
238
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,661
„Să nu te mai întorci.
239
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,250
Acum am un repertoriu.”
240
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:26,675
Dar, iată ceva ce nu-i place deloc
niciunui tip.
241
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,554
Știți când o fată e deasupra,
înainte să și-o bage în ea?
242
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,224
Repet, știu că nu e cel mai bun mod
de a o spune, dar credeți-mă,
243
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:38,854
am încercat în alte cinci feluri
și asta a câștigat detașat.
244
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:44,026
Imaginați-vă cât de oribile au fost
celelalte patru, nu?
245
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,819
Brusc, e mai bine.
246
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:50,574
Deci, știți când sunt deasupra
și vor s-o vâre acolo?
247
00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:52,409
Vedeți? Da.
248
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,037
Da. Asta spuneam.
249
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:57,998
Deci știi când ești deasupra
și ți-o bagi în tine?
250
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,296
Unele fete, majoritatea, de obicei,
încep să se frece deasupra sculelor
251
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,841
înainte să le pună acolo. „Da. Îți place?”
252
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:13,097
Nu ne place. Doare mult.
Fetelor, nu mai faceți asta, vă rog.
253
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,474
Vă rog. Doar puneți-o acolo.
254
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,143
Doare atât de tare.
255
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:22,815
Doare pentru că vă radeți sau nu,
oricum ar fi, sunteți țepoase acolo, nu?
256
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:26,485
Și apoi începeți să vă frecați
de sculele noastră dezgolite.
257
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,988
Doare.
258
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,990
Spuneți: „Îți place?”
259
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:34,284
„Nu. Ai avut vreodată o arsură indiană?
Așa se simte.
260
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,580
Parc-ai fi prietena ciudată a mamei
care-ar fi făcut asta în lipsa ei.”
261
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,544
Vă amintiți toți prietena aia ciudată, nu?
262
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,298
Plecau toți și zicea: „Hei, puștiule.
Ai avut vreo arsură indiană?”
263
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,717
Tu ziceai: „Nu.”
264
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,095
La început, ziceai: „Super!”
Apoi: „Oprește-te, domnule!”
265
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,648
Da. Niciunui tip nu-i place asta, da?
266
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:08,068
E foarte rău. Parcă e șmirghel.
267
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,154
Bănuiesc că fetele nu-și dau seama
268
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,991
fiindcă plăcerea și durerea sunt la fel
în timpul sexului.
269
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:16,618
Amândouă arată... așa că, presupun...
270
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
Dar chiar doare foarte mult.
271
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:22,875
Și apoi, dintr-o dată,
se usucă pielea de pe sculă,
272
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:26,837
și se sfâșie,
iar a doua zi te trezești
273
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,048
și zici: „Ce mama mă-sii e asta?
274
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,507
Ce e asta?
275
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:35,387
Am luat vreo boală nouă care apare
în 24 de ore? E o nebunie.”
276
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,057
Mă duc la doctor și zic: „Ce e asta?”
277
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,350
Și zice: „Trebuie să înveți să fuți.”
278
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,227
Eu zic: „Ce? Ce e asta?”
279
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,483
Doctorii din Staten Island sunt diferiți.
280
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,406
Nu știu. Eu...
281
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
Am mulți prieteni gay.
282
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:01,663
Îmi plac prietenii mei gay fiindcă nu cred
că există o relație mai sinceră
283
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,083
decât între un gay și un tip hetero
284
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,418
pentru că nu e nimic de câștigat.
285
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,545
E sinceritate pură.
286
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,757
Homosexualii sunt cei mai sinceri oameni
din lume,
287
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,884
dar și răutăcioși...
288
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,931
Sinceri, am putea spune,
dar chiar răutăcioși.
289
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:21,558
Vă dau un exemplu.
290
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,353
Am părăsit casa mamei... E și casa mea.
291
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,023
Să vă fut! Nu trebuie să mă justific, da?
292
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,234
Mă simt foarte bine în situația mea.
293
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:40,452
Da. Îmi place să locuiesc cu mama, știți?
Pentru că locuiesc la subsol.
294
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,455
E un apartament...
295
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,087
Și mai e un etaj superior
pe care-l numim zona comună...
296
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,714
fiindcă suntem colegi.
297
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:59,221
Am propria intrare la parter,
scrie „Intrarea... lui Pete”.
298
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,682
Da. Așa e.
299
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
E super tare. Gushers, pe nesăturate.
300
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,694
Râdeți, dar numai bengoșii au voie acolo,
vă spun.
301
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,114
Mama trebuie să ciocănească.
302
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,493
Da, nu e... Nu dă buzna niciodată.
Ciocănește mereu.
303
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:24,997
În fine, da.
304
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:29,626
Fiecare fată cu care ies
are o mulțime de prieteni gay, nu?
305
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,463
Dar mereu există un prieten gay
care nu cred că e gay deloc.
306
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:37,509
Da, fetele râd. Toți tipii zic: „Da, Kyle.
307
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:42,222
Să-l fut! Îl urăsc pe tipul ăla.
Nu pot spune nimic, dar vreau.”
308
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:46,310
Dacă ești confuză, e tipul despre care
309
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:51,315
prietenul tău va zice:
„Hei, care-i treaba cu... Kyle?
310
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,775
Știi, tipul ăla cu care umbli mereu.”
311
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,487
Iubita ta va răspunde mereu la fel:
„Cine, el? Kyle?”
312
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:02,117
Tu zici: „Da, care-i treaba?
Ce-i cu băiatul ăla? Ce se întâmplă?
313
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,163
Apoi, iubita ta va zice: „Te rog! E gay.”
Știți?
314
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,957
Tu zici: „Păi, e ceva confirmat?
315
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:13,170
Umblă deja vorba?
Se știe pe stradă că e gay?”
316
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,341
Apoi, ea va spune același lucru:
„Nu, dar toți știu.”
317
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,718
Tu zici: „Nu și tipul ăsta, da?
318
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,347
Eu nu știu. Te-am ghicit... Kyle, da?”
319
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,266
Dormitul împreună...
320
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:30,229
Dacă urăști păsărica atât de mult,
de ce-o giugiulești? Foarte ciudat.
321
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:35,108
N-o să mă vedeți pe mine giugiulind
un teanc de amenzi de parcare sau așa.
322
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:40,656
Lucruri diferite, da,
dar pentru mine e suficient.
323
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,786
Nu pricep.
324
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,705
Există un anumit tip de gay,
325
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,415
eu le spun „pipăitorii”...
326
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,253
Momentan, nu există reguli pentru gay.
327
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,546
Aproape că pot face orice.
328
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,090
E o nebunie curată!
329
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:02,511
Bravo vouă, dar aveți cam multă putere.
330
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,848
Așa e! Știți, dintre cei gay,
sunt pipăitorii, nu?
331
00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,851
E tipul ăla gay care se va duce
la prietena ta,
332
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:12,312
o va strânge de țâțe,
îi va da o palmă peste cur
333
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,606
și-i va zice:
„La naiba, fată, arăți grozav!”
334
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,736
Nu mi se pare deloc amuzant. Îmi pare rău.
335
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,407
Sunt pro gay, nu înseamnă
că sunt împotriva homosexualității.
336
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,119
Doar că știți cât de mult muncesc
ca să pălmuiesc țâțe și...
337
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:33,333
Știți câte zile de naștere am ratat,
câți prieteni am pierdut?
338
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,170
Crăciunuri petrecute în Ohio...
339
00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:42,426
și tu apuci să pălmuiești cururi
grație unei chichițe? Nu e drept.
340
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:48,056
Da, chiar în fața ta.
Vine, plesnește, râde.
341
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,975
Doar pentru că poate.
342
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,561
N-aș face asta doar pentru că aș putea.
343
00:21:52,644 --> 00:21:55,314
Nu m-aș duce la iubitul lui,
să-l trag de pulă
344
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,150
și să zic: „Bine, Gary.
Nu e pentru mine, dar mișto!”
345
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:05,324
De ce?
346
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:08,201
Ce? Sunt hetero.
347
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,045
Sunt anumite reguli pentru unii,
348
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:19,629
iar eu nu înțeleg asta.
349
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
Nu are logică pentru mine, știți?
350
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302
Dar nu mă pot opune,
pentru că am derulat deja cearta în gând
351
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:29,931
și-s sigur că mulți dintre voi ați făcut-o
dar nu iese. Mereu pierd, știți?
352
00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:35,437
Mă duc la el, iar el îi pălmuiește curul,
o ia de țâțe
353
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,105
și dansează chicotind,
354
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,608
iar eu spun: „Hei, Kyle, ce mama mă-sii?”
355
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,614
Apoi, Kyle decide să recunoască
în ziua aia și zice: „O, sunt gay.”
356
00:22:47,115 --> 00:22:50,410
Apoi s-a terminat. A câștigat.
Asta e întreaga ceartă.
357
00:22:51,161 --> 00:22:54,039
Numai poți să zici decât:
„Scuze, continuați.”
358
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:57,667
Apasă-l sau surprinde-l, mi s-a spus.
359
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,174
E ciudat, fiindcă funcționează doar...
360
00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:07,552
între un gay și o fată hetero.
361
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:11,640
Altfel nu merge, nu? Nu funcționează
între un tip hetero și o lesbiană, nu?
362
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,226
Nu pot merge la o lesbiană,
s-o iau de țâțe
363
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,853
și să zic:
„E în regulă. Amândoi urâm asta.”
364
00:23:26,154 --> 00:23:27,614
Mereu intru la necazuri.
365
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,575
Am fost tras pe dreapta astăzi
venind aici.
366
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:34,204
Pune cineva Billy Joel
când sunt trași pe dreapta?
367
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:37,165
Tu crezi că agentul va zice:
368
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,794
„Permisul și... Billy Joel! Fugi de aici!
369
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,003
Nu ești un rahat.
370
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
Credeam că o să asculți 2 Chainz. Bine.”
371
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,761
E și mai ciudat când nu funcționează.
372
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:53,598
Tu stai acolo și el zice:
„Permisul și talonul...
373
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,434
Îl oprești pe Bill Withers?”
374
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,355
Intru mereu la necazuri.
375
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,484
Am avut probleme anul trecut
pentru că făceam niște glume.
376
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:08,029
Am râs de acest domn
377
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:12,159
cu petic la ochi care e în politică.
Îl cheamă Dan Crenshaw.
378
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,744
Nu credeam că am greșit cu ceva.
379
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,705
Au fost cuvinte răstălmăcite
380
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,875
ca să ajungă unul celebru,
381
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,586
dar... da, eu nu...
382
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,797
Cam asta e totul. Aș vrea...
383
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,340
Pentru că nu am Twitter,
384
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:31,219
nu pot să mă justific
de fiecare dată când se întâmplă ceva rău.
385
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,931
Am zis: „Înregistrez un program de comedie
și spun tuturor.
386
00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:38,226
Da, din moment ce nu am voie pe internet.”
387
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:42,939
Da. Sunt sigur că dacă intru pe internet,
merg la închisoare.
388
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:47,652
Deci, am râs de tipul ăsta
cu petic la ochi
389
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:50,780
și apoi, am cam fost forțat
să-mi cer scuze
390
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,993
pentru că oamenii mă amenințau
că mă împușcau în față
391
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:59,122
și, din păcate,
nu am răspuns eu la telefon.
392
00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,416
A făcut-o colega mea de apartament...
393
00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,044
nu i-a plăcut asta...
394
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:09,341
Colega mea s-a gândit să-mi cer scuze
395
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,093
ca să nu fiu împușcat în față.
396
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:15,722
Deci...eu...
397
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:19,351
S-a întâmplat așa. Cum spuneam,
am apariții limitate la SNL.
398
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:21,520
Nu știu dacă ați văzut.
399
00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:27,734
Probabil că n-ați văzut,
dar contribuția mea e limitată.
400
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:29,736
Stăteam și ne gândeam:
401
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:32,280
„Ce dracu' ai putea face, frate?
402
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:35,659
Faci parte din familia de roast, nu?
403
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:36,660
Tu faci roast.”
404
00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,621
„Sigur. Mare chestie, familia de roast.
Bine.”
405
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:45,627
„De ce nu faci un roast cu politicieni,
o chestie la segmentul de Știri?”
406
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,630
„Beton. Mai câștig șase episoade, nu?
407
00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,757
Să-mi bag, cât de mișto.”
408
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:55,929
Deci, sunt aceleași reguli ca în 8 Mile
pentru roast, nu?
409
00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:59,849
Râzi de tine și apoi, râzi și de ceilalți,
nu?
410
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:04,646
Deci, am o foaie mare de hârtie
cu o grămadă de chipuri, da?
411
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:06,773
Și am început să scriu glume.
412
00:26:06,856 --> 00:26:09,234
Tipul ăsta, doamna aia...
413
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:11,736
și apare Dan Crenshaw, nu?
414
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:13,572
Are un petic la ochi, da?
415
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:16,908
Deja mă gândeam că tipul are umor,
nu-i așa?
416
00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:20,620
Are un petic la ochi.
417
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:23,206
Dacă-ți pierzi ochiul,
mai poți face trei lucruri
418
00:26:23,290 --> 00:26:26,293
înainte să porți petic, nu?
Nu sunt un nemernic. Serios.
419
00:26:26,376 --> 00:26:30,422
Ochi de sticlă,
apoi, ochelari peste ochi de sticlă,
420
00:26:30,505 --> 00:26:33,508
apoi, ochelari de soare
și după astea treci la petic, nu?
421
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,302
Mi-am zis: „Tipul are umor.
422
00:26:36,219 --> 00:26:39,180
Tipul ăsta e auto-conștient.
Ce tip de treabă.” Nu?
423
00:26:39,889 --> 00:26:44,311
Așa că... am zis:
„Bine, hai să scriu o glumă inofensivă
424
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,980
sau ceva de genul, nu?
425
00:26:47,063 --> 00:26:50,650
„Tipul ăsta arată ca un asasin plătit
dintr-un porno.” Nu?
426
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,778
O glumă inofensivă
în stilul Saturday Night Live,
427
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,406
la care râzi și treci la următoarea.
428
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:59,117
Ăla eram eu într-un taxi.
429
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:02,203
Acolo se joacă.
430
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,791
Vom tăia asta. Tăiați asta.
431
00:27:07,500 --> 00:27:12,547
Fără probleme. Se taie imediat.
Nici n-a fost. Înapoi la futai.
432
00:27:13,173 --> 00:27:15,300
Înapoi la futai. Nici n-a fost.
433
00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:22,015
Mereu am vrut să fac asta.
434
00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:24,851
Felicitări că te fuți.
435
00:27:24,934 --> 00:27:27,437
Vă mulțumesc că ați continuat să urmăriți.
436
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:32,442
Îmi pare rău.
437
00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:35,987
Am vrut mereu să se întâmple asta
când mă uitam la Netflix.
438
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,536
Cum a fost? A fost fain?
439
00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:48,291
A fost tot ce sperai? Sper că da.
440
00:27:51,878 --> 00:27:56,132
Cred c-a fost bine să-l oprești
la Crenshaw, nenorocitule.
441
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:02,764
Ne distrăm. Nu, îmi pare rău.
442
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,474
Nici... E în regulă.
443
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,896
Deci, am scris o glumă de genul...
444
00:28:10,814 --> 00:28:13,525
„Seamănă cu un asasin plătit
dintr-un porno.”
445
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,318
Nici nu m-am gândit la asta.
446
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:16,569
Și, dintr-odată,
447
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:19,948
chiar înainte să apar
la segmentul de știri,
448
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:22,033
unul dintre amicii
care m-a ajutat s-o scriu:
449
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,411
„Hei, omule, m-am documentat.”
450
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:27,330
Zic: „Abia acum?” Răspunde: „Da.”
451
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,916
Se așteaptă până în ultima clipă, acolo.
452
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:33,211
Zice: „Tipul ăla, Dan Crenshaw?
453
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:36,840
Cred că și-a pierdut ochiul
într-un război sau așa ceva.”
454
00:28:36,923 --> 00:28:39,467
„Ce?” și se aude:
„Pete, vino pe platou.”
455
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,221
„Futu-i!” Zice: „Vei fi grozav.
Nu-ți face griji, va fi bine.
456
00:28:43,304 --> 00:28:45,473
E fața ta, nu a mea. Va fi grozav.”
457
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,312
Mă duc și încerc să fiu atent
ceea ce e greu.
458
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:54,566
Eu consum mereu ciuperci
sau chestii de genul...
459
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,778
Deci, să fiu atent e cel mai greu.
460
00:29:00,405 --> 00:29:03,658
Nu doar că trebuia să fiu atent,
dar era și totul subit.
461
00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:05,577
„Hei!” Și tu zici: „Ah!”
462
00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:10,081
Mulțumesc celor 12 oameni
care au prins asta.
463
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,377
Asta e o glumă?
464
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:19,674
Cum spuneam, oricine ajunge pe Netflix.
465
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:23,553
Hei, iar te-ai futut? Grozav, frate.
466
00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:26,097
Mulțumesc din nou c-ai revenit.
467
00:29:26,181 --> 00:29:27,640
Apreciez.
468
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,811
Omule, cred că a fost bine, fiule.
Asta e!
469
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:35,148
Serios, în timpul rahatului cu Crenshaw?
Asta e...
470
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:44,115
Mă bucur odată cu voi
pentru că e prima oară când aud și eu.
471
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,370
Deci, mă duc pe platou, da?
472
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:51,998
Și amicul mi-a spus
că și-ar fi pierdut ochiul în război.
473
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,918
Acum, mă gândesc
că trebuie să fiu atent la asta.
474
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:59,088
Trebuie să-mi cer scuze după ce zic gluma.
Să fiu cu un pas înainte.
475
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:02,842
Mă duc acolo și asta fac. Îmi cer scuze.
476
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:07,263
Îmi amintesc exact cum a fost
și ce-am spus. Nu voi uita niciodată.
477
00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,101
Am zis: „Dan Crenshaw arată ca
un asasin plătit dintr-un porno, nu?”
478
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:15,063
Reacția a fost un râset mediocru.
479
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:16,648
Apoi, imediat după, spun:
480
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:20,485
„Regret. Știu că și-ar fi pierdut ochiul
într-un război sau așa ceva.”
481
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:22,445
Am spus „așa ceva” și reacția a fost:
482
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,030
„Urăști America!”
483
00:30:25,448 --> 00:30:28,952
„Nu! N-am vrut să mă înșel
despre cum a pierdut ochiul.”
484
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:30,620
E o infracțiune?
485
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:32,622
Ar fi putut să-și piardă ochiul în război.
486
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:35,250
Nu știu cum și-a pierdut ochiul.
Poate în Afganistan,
487
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,669
poate când își făcea un sandviș.
Habar n-am.
488
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:41,506
Îmi pare rău că n-am cartonașe de baseball
cu Dan Crenshaw,
489
00:30:41,589 --> 00:30:44,008
cu toate datele și informațiile lui.
490
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,135
Greșeala mea. E o expresie.
491
00:30:46,219 --> 00:30:49,013
Încercam să fiu atent. Știți?
492
00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:52,183
Generalul Patton, unul dintre marii eroi
ai Americii,
493
00:30:52,267 --> 00:30:56,229
a murit în Germania nazistă, o săptămână
după război, într-un accident de mașină.
494
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,023
Dar când vorbim
despre marele general Patton,
495
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:02,402
spunem că a murit în război sau așa ceva.
496
00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:05,113
E mai ușor de spus decât:
497
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,742
„A câștigat războiul și
apoi a făcut o manevră greșită.” Da.
498
00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:13,246
E o expresie.
Nu înseamnă că urăsc America. Bine?
499
00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:17,542
Singurul lucru care nu-mi place
e că se spune:
500
00:31:17,625 --> 00:31:20,253
„E vina ta că a câștigat.”
dar nu e adevărat.
501
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:22,255
Cred că majoritatea deja votase,
502
00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:26,092
iar tipul e Republican
cu un petic la ochi, în Texas,
503
00:31:27,343 --> 00:31:31,306
deci era o victorie înainte să înceapă.
504
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,182
Da, și eu știam asta.
505
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:36,352
În Texas, sunt sigur că au doar poze.
506
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:37,520
Așa votează ei.
507
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:46,321
Deci, nu eu l-am ajutat să câștige, da?
508
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:48,197
E vina Americii.
509
00:31:48,281 --> 00:31:49,532
Știi? La fel și asta.
510
00:31:50,950 --> 00:31:53,870
Da. Știți?
N-am făcut nimic pentru tipul ăla.
511
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,206
Singurul lucru pe care l-am făcut,
de care-s vinovat și îmi cer scuze,
512
00:31:57,290 --> 00:32:01,252
e că l-am făcut celebru fără motiv, nu?
513
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,464
Am făcut ce a făcut Ariana Grande
pentru mine, nu?
514
00:32:04,547 --> 00:32:06,215
Da.
515
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:08,384
I-am supt pula la SNL.
516
00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:16,976
Nu voiam să fac glume despre asta,
dar amicul meu mi-a zis:
517
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:22,565
„Am auzit recent că Ariana a zis
că n-avea habar de tine
518
00:32:22,649 --> 00:32:25,193
și c-a ieșit cu tine pentru diversiune.”
519
00:32:25,610 --> 00:32:27,570
Acum, cred că e un joc cinstit.
520
00:32:28,321 --> 00:32:29,280
Da...
521
00:32:29,364 --> 00:32:30,365
Să nu aplaudați.
522
00:32:30,448 --> 00:32:32,784
Nu e un concert Drake contra Lil Wayne.
523
00:32:32,867 --> 00:32:34,786
Nu e o competiție.
524
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,331
Ea are cântecele ei și chestii
și asta am eu, da?
525
00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:42,627
Bine. Asta e, da? Deci...
526
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:46,464
Îmi spuneți: „Pete, nu e corect.
Speli rufele în public.
527
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,716
Cum ai putut face asta?
Unde a spus astea?
528
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,344
Prietenilor ei,
între pereții căminului ei?”
529
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:55,515
Nu, a spus-o pe coperta revistei Vogue.
530
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,480
Vă dați seama dac-aș fi făcut eu asta?
531
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,816
Cariera mea s-ar termina mâine.
532
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,818
Dacă m-aș fi vopsit maro,
533
00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:09,278
și-aș fi sărit pe coperta revistei Vogue
534
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:13,116
să încep să mă cac pe fosta mea,
vă puteți imagina...
535
00:33:13,199 --> 00:33:15,702
Nu aplaudați ca la Drake contra Lil Wayne.
536
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:18,329
Nu-mi place asta. Îmi plac chicotelile.
537
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:19,455
Sunt doar glume.
538
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,208
Imaginați-vă dac-aș fi făcut asta?
539
00:33:22,291 --> 00:33:25,628
„Da, i-o trăgeam că mă plictiseam,
dar a ieșit Fortnite.”
540
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:26,796
Ar fi o nebunie.
541
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,635
„Pete, trebuia să fi pățit ceva, nu?
542
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,554
Trebuie să fi fost repercusiuni, nu?”
543
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,557
Nu. A câștigat premiul Billboard
Femeia Anului
544
00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:42,228
Iar mie mi s-a spus „ochi de găoază”
de către barstoolsports.com.
545
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:51,863
Uneori, viața e cam nedreaptă.
546
00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:58,119
Repet, astea sunt glume.
Nu vreau să iasă fum, bine?
547
00:33:58,202 --> 00:34:01,456
Cea mai mare teamă a mea
e că voi fi împușcat în ceafă
548
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:03,708
de un copil de nouă ani cu coadă de cal.
549
00:34:04,625 --> 00:34:07,628
Și ultimul lucru pe care-l voi auzi e:
„#anulat”.
550
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,006
și apoi să-mi tragă una în ceafă.
551
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,430
Din nou, nu vreau să iasă fum...
de la cei de nouă ani.
552
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:23,269
Nu, e o femeie foarte puternică, Ariana.
553
00:34:23,352 --> 00:34:27,065
E o femeie foarte puternică
și foarte deșteaptă.
554
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,318
Trebuie să fie pentru a ruina Starbucks
pentru cineva.
555
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:35,990
Am intrat în Starbucks deunăzi și am zis:
„Îmi dai o cafea medie?” și tipul...
556
00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:45,583
„Să te fut! Mă duc la Dunkin' Donuts.”
557
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:49,754
„De ce le închid în oraș?
Nu găsesc niciunul.”
558
00:34:50,588 --> 00:34:54,634
Mulți mă întreabă tot timpul:
„Cum a fost...”
559
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:58,054
Ca orice altă despărțire,
doar că în văzul tuturor.
560
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,809
Da, nu știam în ce mă...
561
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:06,145
Știam în ce mă băgam,
dar nu știam de treaba cu pozele.
562
00:35:06,229 --> 00:35:09,690
Dacă știam de asta, aș fi fost
la un dermatolog înainte să ne cuplăm.
563
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:13,569
Aș fi luat măsuri adecvate de precauție,
dar n-am făcut-o...
564
00:35:13,653 --> 00:35:16,948
E ca orice altă despărțire. Chemi băieții.
Toți te mint.
565
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:20,535
„Nicio problemă, frate.
Nimeni nu știe nici măcar cine e.
566
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:26,249
E în regulă. Ești mai bine așa.
Nicio problemă.” Știi?
567
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,750
Apoi, a apărut cântecul
568
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:32,171
și prietenii mi-au zis:
„Te iubesc, da? Dar rahatul te prinde.
569
00:35:33,881 --> 00:35:37,593
Rahatul te prinde.
O să ai opt luni dificile. Îmi pare rău.
570
00:35:37,677 --> 00:35:40,012
Chiar îmi place cântecul, îmi pare rău.
571
00:35:40,513 --> 00:35:42,056
Îmi place de tine, dar...”
572
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:47,812
Bunicul mi-a zis: „E belea.
573
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:53,359
Peter, e belea. Îmi pare foarte rău.
574
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,738
E un cântec bun
și nici nu ascult rahaturi d-astea.”
575
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,198
Am zis: „Înțeleg!”
576
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:05,955
Da. E singurul lucru care nu mi-a plăcut
din toată treaba asta,
577
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:08,166
ceea ce e o părere greșită.
578
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:11,961
Nu mi-a plăcut c-a vorbit toate astea
în numele sculei mele.
579
00:36:12,044 --> 00:36:13,671
Mi s-a părut foarte ciudat.
580
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:17,258
De genul:
„Da, n-a funcționat, dar bună pula.”
581
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,678
Mi s-a părut ciudat
pentru că toată lumea a zis:
582
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:23,931
„Ce fată drăguță.”
583
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:28,811
În primul rând, să facem un pas înapoi.
Vă imaginați dac-aș fi spus eu asta?
584
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,940
Dac-aș fi zis: „Scuze că n-a mers.
Frumoasă păsărică, totuși!
585
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,442
Rahatul ăla e umed!
586
00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:37,778
Bună păsărică, dar scuze.”
587
00:36:45,286 --> 00:36:46,245
E ridicol.
588
00:36:48,122 --> 00:36:49,749
A trebuit să înghit.
589
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,085
Da. E singurul lucru.
590
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:58,549
Nu mi-a plăcut pentru că, pur și simplu,
nu e adevărat. Da.
591
00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,927
Doar că are mâinile mici.
592
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:03,012
Are mâini foarte mici.
593
00:37:03,095 --> 00:37:05,806
Totul e imens pentru ea. Da.
594
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,434
A fost o glumă toată relația.
595
00:37:08,517 --> 00:37:12,188
Mă gândeam: „Uriaș pentru tine,
dar mic pentru toți ceilalți. Beton!”
596
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:13,606
Știți?
597
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:19,528
Și te întrebi: „De ce?
Dacă știe aceste informații,
598
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:23,616
de ce ar spune tuturor ce penis mare ai?”
Nu?
599
00:37:23,699 --> 00:37:27,078
De ce ar face asta? Știți?
Pentru ceilalți ar fi:
600
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:31,415
„Ce doamnă drăguță. N-a mers.
I-a făcut un compliment.” Știți?
601
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:34,919
„Le-a spus tuturor
că are un penis frumos.” Nu?
602
00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:36,087
Nu ăsta e motivul.
603
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,130
A făcut-o ca să...
604
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:41,425
E un geniu. Nu uitați asta.
E o persoană foarte deșteaptă, da?
605
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:46,931
A făcut-o ca fiecare fată
care-mi vede pula tot restul vieții
606
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:48,140
să fie dezamăgită.
607
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,145
E genial!
608
00:37:54,146 --> 00:37:55,564
E o viață de dezamăgiri.
609
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:57,608
Ține asta...
610
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:05,616
Nici n-am apucat să mă bucur de vara mea
cu scula mare sau cum se numea.
611
00:38:05,700 --> 00:38:10,162
Te rog, nu mai face asta.
Am o familie care citește. Încetează.
612
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,832
Biata mea mamă...
613
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,753
Facem niște glume despre 11 septembrie
și o șterg de aici.
614
00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,256
Cum sună? Super. Da.
615
00:38:20,339 --> 00:38:23,301
Doar acum voi permite aplauze
pentru 11 septembrie.
616
00:38:24,343 --> 00:38:27,596
Tatăl meu a murit la 11 septembrie.
617
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,558
Mi s-a spus că trebuie să explic asta
înainte să glumesc
618
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:34,020
pentru că unii nu știu,
la care eu am răspuns
619
00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:36,063
că nu cred că ar trebui să spun asta
620
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:39,108
pentru că va opri spectacolul
și va deveni incomod.
621
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:43,279
Am câștigat. Am avut dreptate.
622
00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:48,117
Când moare tatăl tău
și lucrează pentru stat sau guvern...
623
00:38:48,534 --> 00:38:50,745
Era pompier, ce-o mai fi și asta.
624
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,957
Uneori, familia primește niște bani.
625
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,001
Nu prea mulți bani. Puțini.
626
00:38:59,295 --> 00:39:01,630
Primisem niște bani
și mi-amintesc că mama,
627
00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,591
ca eu și sora mea să ne simțim mai bine,
628
00:39:04,133 --> 00:39:08,304
a vrut să ne ia o piscină cu banii, nu?
629
00:39:08,929 --> 00:39:11,974
S-a gândit că dacă ne ia o piscină,
630
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:16,187
oamenii vor vrea să fie prietenii noștri
și vor veni să înoate.
631
00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:19,190
Ceea ce e sumbru.
632
00:39:20,441 --> 00:39:22,068
Să înoți în bazinul morții.
633
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,613
Da. E o idee frumoasă,
634
00:39:25,696 --> 00:39:28,741
dar ai sentimentul
că fiecare ghiulea are un sens ciudat.
635
00:39:36,999 --> 00:39:40,169
Înotam în fiecare zi de parcă:
„Acum să fie?” Nu.
636
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,965
Îmi amintesc că mama ne-a luat o piscină,
mie și surorii mele, da?
637
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,345
Și aveam șapte ani când a murit tata,
deci copiii nu înțeleg.
638
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:51,639
Nu știu ce se întâmplă, nu?
639
00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,892
Primisem piscina,
iar copiii de la școală ziceau:
640
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:59,438
„Ce norocos ești. Ești bogat. Ai piscină.”
Știți?
641
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,857
„Da. Din fericire, am o piscină
642
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:04,735
pe care o umplu cu lacrimi
în fiecare vară.
643
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:08,447
Așa știi că ești bogat,
când poți înota în propria tristețe.
644
00:40:09,031 --> 00:40:11,951
Slavă Domnului că Osama bin Laden
n-a ratat alarma. Știți de ce?
645
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:13,619
N-aș avea o piscină!
646
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:17,415
Regret. Te rog să vii mai târziu. Da.”
647
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,920
Păstrăm asta, Jason. Nu-mi pasă ce spui.
648
00:40:25,339 --> 00:40:29,718
În fine, am făcut o chestie despre tata
în vară. A trebuit s-o filmez.
649
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,597
Așa că a trebuit să mă documentez
despre tata
650
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,933
și să ies cu prietenii lui, nu?
651
00:40:36,016 --> 00:40:40,104
Noi suntem din Staten Island,
așa că prietenii lui sunt ca mine.
652
00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:41,397
Sunt gunoaie, da?
653
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,151
Da. Suntem gunoaie. La propriu.
654
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:50,197
Suntem cunoscuți
pentru cea mai mare groapă de gunoi
655
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,032
vizibilă din spațiu.
656
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:56,162
Asta ar spune șoferul de taxi
când ai intrat în Staten Island.
657
00:40:56,245 --> 00:40:59,498
„Nu știu dacă știai,
dar locul ăsta are cea mai mare groapă.”
658
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:01,375
În loc de: „Uită-te la copac.”
659
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:08,382
Și întrebi: „Ce s-a întâmplat cu groapa?
Ce au făcut?”
660
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,551
Păi, au construit un parc peste ea.
661
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:14,430
„Adică au scăpat de tot gunoiul?”
662
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:18,642
Nu. Au construit un parc peste el.
663
00:41:18,726 --> 00:41:21,061
Deci, în zece ani,
când începe să se năruie,
664
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:24,106
copiii vor fi străpunși
de niște Honda din 1998.
665
00:41:28,986 --> 00:41:32,114
În fine, încerc să vi-i descriu
pe cei din Staten Island.
666
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:33,574
Nu e un exemplu bun.
667
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:39,705
E ca și cum ai avea un Marlboro Red
și l-ai arunca în cadă și-ar prinde viață.
668
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:41,081
Ăsta e…
669
00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:44,710
Așa e...
670
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:48,380
un tip din Staten Island.
671
00:41:51,008 --> 00:41:54,261
În fine, a trebuit să mă întâlnesc
cu prietenii lui, da?
672
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:59,433
Dar toate poveștile pe care le știam
de la tata erau de când aveam șapte ani,
673
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:03,062
iar cele pe care mi le spuneau ei
erau mult mai diferite
674
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
decât cele auzite de mine.
675
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:10,486
Nici nu știu cine e tipul ăsta.
Vă dau un exemplu.
676
00:42:10,569 --> 00:42:12,696
Când eram mic,
prietenii tatălui meu ziceau:
677
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,365
„Tatăl tău era șmecher.
678
00:42:14,448 --> 00:42:18,994
Ne plăcea să jucăm baschet
și să ne facem temele...
679
00:42:19,078 --> 00:42:20,871
Mânca tot din farfurie.
680
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378
Mânca tot din farfurie!
681
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:29,63