1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:57,919 --> 00:00:59,542 - Ladies and gentlemen, 4 00:00:59,576 --> 00:01:02,234 welcome to the Temple of Randicus. 5 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:22,220 Thank you. 6 00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,497 Thank you. 7 00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:25,015 Thank you all very much 8 00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:26,948 for coming to worship this evening 9 00:01:26,983 --> 00:01:29,261 in the Temple of Randicus. 10 00:01:29,295 --> 00:01:32,920 We welcome all visitors to this temple as equals. 11 00:01:32,954 --> 00:01:35,681 Your gender identity, sexual preference, 12 00:01:35,716 --> 00:01:37,925 political beliefs, fetishes and phobias 13 00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:40,893 are none of our fucking business! 14 00:01:42,515 --> 00:01:45,035 Nor is your current address. 15 00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:47,831 We welcome you regardless of where you're from 16 00:01:47,866 --> 00:01:49,868 or perhaps more importantly, 17 00:01:49,902 --> 00:01:51,939 regardless of which bit of the earth 18 00:01:51,973 --> 00:01:54,597 your mother happened to be on, 19 00:01:54,631 --> 00:01:56,771 when you were lifted from her stomach 20 00:01:56,806 --> 00:01:59,188 or pushed out of her vaginal canal. 21 00:02:00,499 --> 00:02:02,467 It doesn't bother us. 22 00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:03,364 Seriously. 23 00:02:04,572 --> 00:02:07,230 We had someone in from Ocean Shores last night. 24 00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:11,026 We let them have a seat and everything. 25 00:02:12,235 --> 00:02:14,617 It's a very broad church. 26 00:02:14,651 --> 00:02:16,550 It's a fucking broad church. 27 00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,251 Hello there, what's your name? 28 00:02:34,671 --> 00:02:35,914 Am I looking at someone? 29 00:02:38,123 --> 00:02:39,883 Anyone in that general vicinity? 30 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:42,679 Am I too low? 31 00:02:42,714 --> 00:02:43,508 You, there. 32 00:02:47,857 --> 00:02:48,858 Hello? 33 00:02:48,892 --> 00:02:51,240 Fuck that side, hello what's your name? 34 00:02:51,274 --> 00:02:52,655 - Wendy. - What is it? 35 00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:54,070 - Wendy. - Wendy! 36 00:02:55,451 --> 00:02:57,487 How are you, Wendy? 37 00:02:57,522 --> 00:02:59,040 - I'm fantastic, thanks for asking. 38 00:02:59,075 --> 00:03:00,801 - Oh, thank you for coming to my show. 39 00:03:02,112 --> 00:03:04,218 Wendibles, where do you live? 40 00:03:04,253 --> 00:03:05,185 - At the end of the road. 41 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:07,877 - Just fucking, end of the road. 42 00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,913 You a local Wendy, you been here a long time? 43 00:03:09,948 --> 00:03:12,192 - I ain't a local but I'm here 12 years, so. 44 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,124 - Ah, 12 years, that's not local. 45 00:03:14,159 --> 00:03:15,195 - No. 46 00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:17,093 - How long do you have to live here before you a local? 47 00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:17,956 - [Crowd] 20. 48 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,509 - 20? 49 00:03:19,544 --> 00:03:20,890 What's that mate? 50 00:03:20,924 --> 00:03:24,031 Someones like, I didn't hear it. 51 00:03:24,065 --> 00:03:25,239 I'm a local, I am sure you'll find 52 00:03:25,274 --> 00:03:27,897 I am born here and die here. 53 00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:31,072 Wendy, good on you. 54 00:03:31,107 --> 00:03:32,522 And you come to many shows here 55 00:03:32,557 --> 00:03:34,248 in the beautiful Brunswick Picture House? 56 00:03:34,283 --> 00:03:35,905 - I try to come to as many as I can. 57 00:03:35,939 --> 00:03:37,458 - Well, thank you for choosing this one. 58 00:03:37,493 --> 00:03:40,392 I'm honored to have you here, Wendy. 59 00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:41,221 Wow! 60 00:03:42,118 --> 00:03:43,257 Yeah, let's hear it for Wendy. 61 00:03:43,292 --> 00:03:44,879 If someone wants to clap. 62 00:03:44,914 --> 00:03:46,122 Let's do it. 63 00:03:47,572 --> 00:03:49,884 You're a bloody legend, Wendy. 64 00:03:49,918 --> 00:03:51,990 Hey, actually, as a local Wendy, 65 00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:52,922 you can help me out with this. 66 00:03:52,956 --> 00:03:55,165 I came here through Byron Bay 67 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,927 and I just happened to drive through 68 00:03:57,961 --> 00:03:59,998 at this moment where the entire sky 69 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,000 was just fucking full of bats. 70 00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:02,932 - Ah, yeah. 71 00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:03,933 - Does that happen often? 72 00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:05,279 - Every night, mate. 73 00:04:05,314 --> 00:04:07,108 - Mate, I've never seen, I've been to Byron a bunch of times 74 00:04:07,143 --> 00:04:09,939 never seen the bats, freaked me the fuck out. 75 00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:10,767 We have bats. 76 00:04:10,802 --> 00:04:12,286 I'm from Melbourne. 77 00:04:12,321 --> 00:04:14,115 There's heaps of bats in Melbourne but this was phenomenal. 78 00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:15,185 It was like, 79 00:04:15,220 --> 00:04:16,808 coolest shit I've ever seen. 80 00:04:16,841 --> 00:04:20,570 Just millions of, what's the collective noun for bats? 81 00:04:20,605 --> 00:04:21,502 Anybody know? 82 00:04:21,536 --> 00:04:23,297 - Colony. - A colony? 83 00:04:23,332 --> 00:04:25,610 - Cloud. - A cloud? 84 00:04:25,644 --> 00:04:27,128 A what? 85 00:04:27,163 --> 00:04:28,923 - Bats. - Bats? 86 00:04:28,957 --> 00:04:30,097 A bats. 87 00:04:30,131 --> 00:04:32,202 Yeah, let's go with the bats. 88 00:04:32,237 --> 00:04:34,066 Just the bats of bats. 89 00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:40,625 Yeah, so I saw this huge fucking bats of bats, right? 90 00:04:42,178 --> 00:04:44,525 The whole sky full of bats and then in the middle, 91 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:48,978 just one seagull, just freaking the fuck out. 92 00:04:49,012 --> 00:04:50,359 What's going on? 93 00:04:50,393 --> 00:04:52,153 Too many bats. 94 00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:56,296 I think I got on the wrong train. 95 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,987 Is this the way to the ocean? 96 00:04:59,402 --> 00:05:02,129 I don't speak bat. 97 00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:03,924 Can you speak any seagull? 98 00:05:06,685 --> 00:05:07,893 Ah, shit. 99 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,241 Yeah. 100 00:05:11,276 --> 00:05:13,313 Byron's a very cool place. 101 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,798 I feel a bit like a seagull amongst the bats myself 102 00:05:15,832 --> 00:05:17,040 when I'm there, Wendy. 103 00:05:17,075 --> 00:05:18,179 It's a weird place you know. 104 00:05:18,214 --> 00:05:20,181 I was there, everyone's fucking cool. 105 00:05:20,216 --> 00:05:23,323 There were kids on the beach today just doing Nangs, 106 00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:26,843 just inhaling an amount of balloons. 107 00:05:26,878 --> 00:05:28,189 I was like fuck, that's cool. 108 00:05:29,398 --> 00:05:31,020 You just having a Nang, mate? 109 00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:33,159 You gonna share? 110 00:05:33,194 --> 00:05:36,336 And I saw heaps of people cruising around in sweet cars, 111 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:39,062 just cranking sweet tunes, like five in a row, 112 00:05:39,097 --> 00:05:41,237 just [beat boxing] 113 00:05:41,271 --> 00:05:43,688 I was like, oh, that's fucking cool! 114 00:05:43,722 --> 00:05:46,173 I wish I was that cool, you know? 115 00:05:46,207 --> 00:05:49,210 But I just don't have the playlist to back it up. 116 00:05:49,245 --> 00:05:52,386 This week's podcast is brought to you by Pet Guns. 117 00:05:52,421 --> 00:05:55,078 There's nothing cool about driving around in your car 118 00:05:55,113 --> 00:05:56,666 with the windows rolled down, 119 00:05:56,701 --> 00:06:00,118 just cranking a true crime podcast. 120 00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,740 And I always seem to pull up at traffic lights 121 00:06:01,775 --> 00:06:04,398 and lock eyes with the person in the car next to me, 122 00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:08,229 just at the most horrific bit of detail 123 00:06:08,264 --> 00:06:09,886 and I have to nudge my head 124 00:06:09,921 --> 00:06:13,511 like I'm listening to a cool song just as like, 125 00:06:13,545 --> 00:06:17,031 that's when the murderer disemboweled his 38th victim. 126 00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:18,792 I'm like, yeah! 127 00:06:18,826 --> 00:06:19,931 Have you heard this one? 128 00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:21,139 It's a classic. 129 00:06:22,071 --> 00:06:25,108 You can get it on iTunes. 130 00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:27,076 You can get it on iTunes. 131 00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,323 I'm a living joke. 132 00:06:33,358 --> 00:06:35,291 But don't worry, you're in safe hands 133 00:06:35,325 --> 00:06:36,396 my brothers and sisters. 134 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,881 I know the cloak and the candles 135 00:06:38,915 --> 00:06:40,779 particularly in the current climate 136 00:06:40,814 --> 00:06:43,748 maybe a little triggering for some people 137 00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,233 but we're in this together tonight, okay. 138 00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:47,648 This is a group effort. 139 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,270 It's about evolution. 140 00:06:49,305 --> 00:06:51,997 We're gonna collectively re-write the rules tonight, 141 00:06:52,032 --> 00:06:55,069 my beautiful Brunswick Heads parishioners. 142 00:06:55,104 --> 00:06:56,899 Starting with turning your phones off, all right? 143 00:06:56,933 --> 00:06:59,453 Just if they're on, just fucking switch 'em off. 144 00:06:59,488 --> 00:07:01,766 The show doesn't go for that long, just be present. 145 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,146 It'll be fine. 146 00:07:03,181 --> 00:07:06,460 And if you do leave your phone on, fucking commit. 147 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,945 Take calls. 148 00:07:10,153 --> 00:07:13,156 Fucking make calls. 149 00:07:13,191 --> 00:07:15,124 Come up here and make calls. 150 00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:16,574 Come up here and make calls 151 00:07:16,608 --> 00:07:19,542 with your wireless headphones in like an asshole. 152 00:07:20,647 --> 00:07:21,441 Can't give a fuck! 153 00:07:23,684 --> 00:07:24,616 Don't take photos. 154 00:07:26,169 --> 00:07:28,931 Resist the temptation to take a photo for an hour. 155 00:07:28,965 --> 00:07:30,484 How are you gonna get through it? 156 00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:34,143 I mean, seriously, what are you gonna do to those photos? 157 00:07:34,177 --> 00:07:36,145 Show them to your grandchildren? 158 00:07:36,179 --> 00:07:39,148 This is when I went to see Randy. 159 00:07:41,564 --> 00:07:43,082 What the fuck-- 160 00:07:45,326 --> 00:07:46,673 is a Randy? 161 00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,815 Your memories are worthless, grandpa. 162 00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:55,164 We had a meeting, you're out of the family. 163 00:07:57,546 --> 00:07:59,133 So, take photos at your own risk. 164 00:07:59,168 --> 00:08:02,205 Who's having a beverage this evening, alcoholic style? 165 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,483 Yes! 166 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,380 If you're having a drink, that's great. 167 00:08:04,414 --> 00:08:06,693 If you're on drugs, even better. 168 00:08:08,108 --> 00:08:10,248 Apparently, I'm very entertaining if you're high. 169 00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:13,216 There's a lot of color and movement that goes on here. 170 00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:15,184 It's like a live cartoon. 171 00:08:16,944 --> 00:08:20,189 So, now's the time to main to that second cookie. 172 00:08:20,223 --> 00:08:22,156 I know you guys. 173 00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:25,677 I've got your number here on Northern coastage. 174 00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:30,268 So, we're gonna have some fun tonight. 175 00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,338 It's gonna be a loving experience. 176 00:08:32,373 --> 00:08:35,376 The only stipulation is that we respect 177 00:08:35,411 --> 00:08:38,655 each other's existing belief systems, all right? 178 00:08:38,690 --> 00:08:40,381 I know it's been fucking churchy up here. 179 00:08:40,415 --> 00:08:43,107 But the idea is that we all move towards 180 00:08:43,143 --> 00:08:45,214 a common collective belief. 181 00:08:45,248 --> 00:08:47,941 And to speed that process up a bit, it's best that we have 182 00:08:47,975 --> 00:08:50,253 a prejudice-free dialogue this evening. 183 00:08:50,288 --> 00:08:51,254 Unless you're a Scientologist, 184 00:08:51,289 --> 00:08:52,808 in which case, you can go fuck yourself. 185 00:09:02,403 --> 00:09:07,408 People are very protective of their faith and rightfully so. 186 00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:09,583 Faith is everything. 187 00:09:09,618 --> 00:09:13,311 Faith can provide purpose, comfort, structure and meaning. 188 00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:17,211 Faith can also protect bigots, justify atrocities 189 00:09:17,246 --> 00:09:19,248 and perpetuate discrimination. 190 00:09:19,282 --> 00:09:21,319 But so can the Jackson family apparently. 191 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,183 So, let's concentrate on the positive, shall we? 192 00:09:30,293 --> 00:09:32,468 The point is, the point is, 193 00:09:33,849 --> 00:09:36,403 the point is, you gotta have faith, all right? 194 00:09:36,437 --> 00:09:37,507 You gotta have faith. 195 00:09:38,992 --> 00:09:40,649 You gotta have faith, faith, faith. 196 00:09:41,857 --> 00:09:44,273 You've got to have faith, faith, faith. 197 00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:45,343 Baby. 198 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:46,551 Any George Michael fans in the house? 199 00:09:48,346 --> 00:09:50,659 Strap in for his piece of information. 200 00:09:50,693 --> 00:09:53,731 I actually own an autograph copy 201 00:09:53,765 --> 00:09:57,389 of George Michael's "Faith" on cassette tape. 202 00:09:59,115 --> 00:10:00,323 How cool is that? 203 00:10:00,358 --> 00:10:01,359 - Pretty cool. 204 00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,292 - How obsolete is that? 205 00:10:04,155 --> 00:10:05,190 Can't listen to it. 206 00:10:05,225 --> 00:10:06,778 Just own it. 207 00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:08,124 If I wanna listen to it, 208 00:10:08,159 --> 00:10:10,368 I'm gonna have to go and buy a tape deck. 209 00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:12,439 And then, wind a meter and half of tape 210 00:10:12,473 --> 00:10:15,822 back into the cassette with a pencil like we used to do 211 00:10:15,856 --> 00:10:18,203 when we wanted to listen to Dire Straits 212 00:10:18,238 --> 00:10:20,067 on a road trip with our parents. 213 00:10:21,068 --> 00:10:22,622 With all the windows rolled down 214 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,692 cause that's what we used to do 215 00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:26,453 before air conditioning was invented. 216 00:10:26,487 --> 00:10:28,144 On our way to Sea World 217 00:10:28,179 --> 00:10:29,663 cause that's where we went on holidays 218 00:10:29,698 --> 00:10:32,355 before animal rights were invented. 219 00:10:33,702 --> 00:10:36,946 Eating ice creams on the way cause that's what we used to do 220 00:10:36,981 --> 00:10:39,639 before injecting insulin was invented. 221 00:10:40,881 --> 00:10:43,159 It was a different time back then. 222 00:10:46,818 --> 00:10:51,167 I'm at that age now where I've started using phrases like, 223 00:10:51,202 --> 00:10:52,341 I'm at that age now. 224 00:10:53,549 --> 00:10:57,864 I'm also at that age now where I haven't yet 225 00:10:57,898 --> 00:11:02,523 and I don't believe I ever will resort to vaping 226 00:11:02,558 --> 00:11:04,008 in any shape or form. 227 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:06,251 I'm never gonna vape. 228 00:11:06,286 --> 00:11:08,046 I'm not gonna become a fucking vaper. 229 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:11,740 It just feels like a betrayal to all of those 230 00:11:11,774 --> 00:11:16,434 sweet, sweet cigarettes that I smoked throughout my life. 231 00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:20,541 If you used to smoke cigarettes and now you vape, 232 00:11:20,576 --> 00:11:22,923 you're a real piece of shit. 233 00:11:24,545 --> 00:11:26,409 You used to be cool man! 234 00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:29,240 Now you're standing there just on some street corner 235 00:11:29,274 --> 00:11:34,279 fellating a mini exhaust pipe, like Fonzie's shit sibling. 236 00:11:35,211 --> 00:11:36,454 You used to be fucking cool! 237 00:11:37,627 --> 00:11:39,112 I remember the glory days of smoking, 238 00:11:39,146 --> 00:11:41,942 this whole room would've been full of cigarette smoke. 239 00:11:41,977 --> 00:11:43,461 We all would've stunk like shit 240 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:47,189 but we didn't care cause we were fucking cool. 241 00:11:47,223 --> 00:11:48,604 There would've been ash trays everywhere. 242 00:11:48,638 --> 00:11:50,640 Couldn't move for ash trays. 243 00:11:50,675 --> 00:11:52,746 Now you can't fucking find one anywhere. 244 00:11:52,781 --> 00:11:56,750 Spare a thought for the ash tray manufacturers. 245 00:11:56,785 --> 00:11:58,752 They're all living in their cars now, 246 00:11:58,787 --> 00:12:00,512 thanks to you fucking vapers. 247 00:12:01,997 --> 00:12:03,930 And it's not just the ash tray people, 248 00:12:03,964 --> 00:12:06,415 what about the people that make matches, hmm? 249 00:12:08,106 --> 00:12:10,039 Spare a thought for the companies 250 00:12:10,074 --> 00:12:13,042 that used to print night club logos 251 00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:15,493 onto those little books of matches 252 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,944 so that grizzled old homicide detectives 253 00:12:17,978 --> 00:12:21,119 could fish one out of the pocket of a corpse 254 00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:23,501 and know where to start looking for the killer. 255 00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:28,609 Thousands upon thousands of unsolved homicides 256 00:12:28,644 --> 00:12:30,922 just cause you fuckers wanna vape. 257 00:12:32,613 --> 00:12:33,511 I'm bloody sick of it. 258 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,271 Thank you, solitary clapper. 259 00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:37,480 Just one person. 260 00:12:37,515 --> 00:12:39,551 Yes, I agree but no one else though so I'll shut up. 261 00:12:51,978 --> 00:12:53,048 George Michael, eh? 262 00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:57,777 Where did George go? 263 00:12:59,399 --> 00:13:00,262 Hmm? 264 00:13:00,296 --> 00:13:01,608 - Dead. 265 00:13:01,642 --> 00:13:02,989 - Someone said to the bathroom 266 00:13:04,507 --> 00:13:06,786 and someone followed up very quickly with he's dead. 267 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,513 I'm aware of that but I just want to know like 268 00:13:10,548 --> 00:13:12,377 where did George go? 269 00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:14,655 Where's George? 270 00:13:15,864 --> 00:13:17,831 Hmm? 271 00:13:17,866 --> 00:13:21,041 I mean, statistically speaking around 50% of you believe 272 00:13:21,076 --> 00:13:24,010 that George Michael is currently experiencing 273 00:13:24,044 --> 00:13:26,978 some variety of afterlife. 274 00:13:27,013 --> 00:13:30,533 Depending on your religious flavor of choice, of course. 275 00:13:30,568 --> 00:13:32,673 Some of you believe he's having a lovely time 276 00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:35,642 re-united with his dead relatives. 277 00:13:35,676 --> 00:13:38,300 Some of you believe he's awaiting resurrection 278 00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:40,543 to face his final judgment. 279 00:13:40,578 --> 00:13:41,855 And some of you believe 280 00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:44,582 that George Michael's extra-curricular activities 281 00:13:44,616 --> 00:13:46,584 such as touching other men's penises 282 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,551 with his own penis for example, 283 00:13:48,586 --> 00:13:50,174 will have earn him an eternity 284 00:13:50,208 --> 00:13:53,108 as a rotisserie chicken in the kebab shop of damnation. 285 00:13:55,696 --> 00:13:57,319 Around 7% of you believe 286 00:13:57,353 --> 00:14:01,081 that George Michael is currently making a comeback. 287 00:14:01,116 --> 00:14:03,704 Possibly as a platypus. 288 00:14:03,739 --> 00:14:06,086 Depends on his deeds, really. 289 00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,848 And the remaining 43% of you either believe 290 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,505 that George Michael is slowly fertilizing 291 00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,198 the soil in Highgate cemetery 292 00:14:14,232 --> 00:14:17,166 or you don't really give a shit either way 293 00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:21,895 or you didn't fill out your 2016 census form. 294 00:14:24,553 --> 00:14:26,693 Who didn't fill out their 2016 census form? 295 00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:27,728 Come on. 296 00:14:27,763 --> 00:14:28,591 Yes, only few. 297 00:14:30,593 --> 00:14:32,216 I didn't, fucking woo! 298 00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:37,393 Wendy, did you fill out your 2016 census form? 299 00:14:37,428 --> 00:14:38,187 - I did, indeed. 300 00:14:38,222 --> 00:14:39,637 - Oh, you did? Woo! 301 00:14:42,053 --> 00:14:44,642 Hey Wendy, what did you tick, 302 00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:46,471 if you remember, it was a couple of years ago, 303 00:14:46,506 --> 00:14:49,543 but what did you tick for faith or religious beliefs? 304 00:14:49,578 --> 00:14:52,236 Just bearing in mind this is a judgment-free environment 305 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:54,410 and everybody else in the room has shared something 306 00:14:54,445 --> 00:14:56,757 intimately personal about themselves, now it's your turn. 307 00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:58,898 Wendy. 308 00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,037 - It's a trap. 309 00:15:00,071 --> 00:15:00,796 - What's that mate? 310 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:01,590 - It's a trap. 311 00:15:01,624 --> 00:15:02,832 - It's a trap! 312 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:05,283 No, there's no traps here, my friend. 313 00:15:05,318 --> 00:15:07,803 It's just fun times, what's your name, weapon? 314 00:15:11,807 --> 00:15:12,566 - Greg. 315 00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:13,671 - Greg? 316 00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:14,499 Gregory? 317 00:15:15,673 --> 00:15:16,605 We're gonna come back to you, Wendy. 318 00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:18,676 We just need to address Greg for a moment. 319 00:15:20,126 --> 00:15:25,131 - Greg, did you fill out your 2016 census form, Gregory? 320 00:15:25,648 --> 00:15:26,442 - Too late. 321 00:15:26,477 --> 00:15:27,236 - Too late? 322 00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:28,548 What do you mean, mate? 323 00:15:31,171 --> 00:15:32,276 What happened? 324 00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:33,242 - I missed it. 325 00:15:33,277 --> 00:15:35,003 - You missed the 2016 census? 326 00:15:35,037 --> 00:15:36,280 Where were you, mate? 327 00:15:36,314 --> 00:15:37,937 Just punching a fucking cone somewhere. 328 00:15:41,837 --> 00:15:43,149 What happened, Greg? 329 00:15:43,183 --> 00:15:44,460 Were you over the seas? 330 00:15:44,495 --> 00:15:46,290 Where were you, man? 331 00:15:46,324 --> 00:15:47,084 Just in mullin'? 332 00:15:47,118 --> 00:15:48,395 Just fuckin', a cig. 333 00:15:49,845 --> 00:15:51,951 Just off the grid, mate. 334 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:56,645 No, Greg? 335 00:15:56,679 --> 00:15:58,612 What would you have ticked for faith or religious belief 336 00:15:58,647 --> 00:15:59,786 if you have filled it out? 337 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:00,890 Do you have a faith system? 338 00:16:00,925 --> 00:16:01,857 - I'm a Jedi. 339 00:16:01,891 --> 00:16:03,134 - Oh, you're a Jedi. 340 00:16:03,169 --> 00:16:05,550 That's an option on the census these days. 341 00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:07,138 Do you have a practicing faith 342 00:16:07,173 --> 00:16:08,760 that goes along with your Jedism? 343 00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:11,487 - Only on Tuesdays. 344 00:16:11,522 --> 00:16:13,524 - Do you just, just using the force on Tuesdays? 345 00:16:14,732 --> 00:16:17,493 The rest of the time you're just fucking [noises] 346 00:16:20,669 --> 00:16:22,015 Just imagining you just going like this 347 00:16:22,050 --> 00:16:24,707 and the bong floating across the room into your hand. 348 00:16:28,366 --> 00:16:30,713 I can't see Greg but I'm making some assumptions 349 00:16:30,748 --> 00:16:32,577 about your character. 350 00:16:32,612 --> 00:16:34,683 I hope I'm in the ball park. 351 00:16:34,717 --> 00:16:36,340 In case the cameras pick you up, 352 00:16:36,374 --> 00:16:37,237 you're probably just sitting there 353 00:16:37,272 --> 00:16:38,514 in a business suit going, 354 00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:41,138 I've never tried drugs in my entire life. 355 00:16:41,172 --> 00:16:43,588 I'm merely on my way from Sydney to Brisbane 356 00:16:43,623 --> 00:16:44,624 for a business trip. 357 00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:47,351 I am insulted. 358 00:16:47,385 --> 00:16:48,662 Is that right, Greg? 359 00:16:48,697 --> 00:16:50,906 Or are you just fucking punching cones like a weapon? 360 00:16:55,359 --> 00:16:56,360 - Don't judge me. 361 00:16:56,394 --> 00:16:57,395 - I'm not mate. 362 00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:58,741 But given the amount of time you took to answer that 363 00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:00,088 I'm gonna say it was the latter. 364 00:17:01,917 --> 00:17:03,229 Now, Wendy. 365 00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:05,540 Yeah! 366 00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:06,369 Gregory! 367 00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:11,064 Wendy, what did you tick for faith? 368 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,272 You've had plenty of time to think about it now. 369 00:17:13,308 --> 00:17:16,759 Did you tick anything for faith or religious belief? 370 00:17:16,794 --> 00:17:18,106 - Yeah, I'm an atheist, mate. 371 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:18,934 - You're an atheist? 372 00:17:18,968 --> 00:17:19,762 - Yeah. 373 00:17:21,143 --> 00:17:24,250 Oh, we've got some atheist fans in the house. 374 00:17:24,284 --> 00:17:26,147 Yeah, you just die! 375 00:17:28,737 --> 00:17:31,084 Just blackness and abyss! 376 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,949 Never been here before, never coming back! 377 00:17:35,123 --> 00:17:38,091 So, where do you think George Michael went? 378 00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:39,092 - In the ground, I believe. 379 00:17:39,127 --> 00:17:39,920 - Just in the ground? 380 00:17:39,955 --> 00:17:41,405 Yeah, nice one. 381 00:17:41,439 --> 00:17:42,889 Personally, Wendy, I believe that George Michael 382 00:17:42,923 --> 00:17:44,615 was abducted by aliens. 383 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,376 They were very active in 2016, 384 00:17:47,411 --> 00:17:48,895 the year that George Michael died. 385 00:17:48,929 --> 00:17:50,828 Those musician abducting aliens. 386 00:17:50,862 --> 00:17:53,658 Fuck, they got some rippers that year! 387 00:17:54,797 --> 00:17:55,764 George Michael. 388 00:17:55,798 --> 00:17:57,076 David Bowie. 389 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,318 Prince. 390 00:17:58,353 --> 00:17:59,733 Sharon Jones. 391 00:17:59,768 --> 00:18:00,941 Merle Haggard. 392 00:18:00,976 --> 00:18:02,943 Fucking Leonard Cohen! 393 00:18:02,978 --> 00:18:04,221 There must have been some sort of 394 00:18:04,255 --> 00:18:07,638 alien university o-week challenge. 395 00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,088 Scull a pint of hydrogen 396 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,883 and bring back a popular musician from planet Earth. 397 00:18:31,869 --> 00:18:36,874 So, this book here, my friends, is the Book of Randicus. 398 00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:38,462 Okay? 399 00:18:38,496 --> 00:18:40,257 What the fuck is the Book of Randicus? 400 00:18:40,291 --> 00:18:41,637 Great question, Wendy. 401 00:18:41,672 --> 00:18:42,466 Thank you for that question. 402 00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:46,884 Always asking questions. 403 00:18:48,851 --> 00:18:50,681 Thanks for bringing your own microphone too, Wendy. 404 00:18:50,715 --> 00:18:54,029 That was excellent forward planning on your part. 405 00:18:56,031 --> 00:18:57,481 In case you haven't noticed, 406 00:18:57,515 --> 00:18:59,862 just to bring you all up to speed. 407 00:18:59,897 --> 00:19:02,727 I have invented a new religion, okay? 408 00:19:02,762 --> 00:19:04,004 Pretty straight forward. 409 00:19:04,039 --> 00:19:06,006 Keep up, it's not Frasier. 410 00:19:06,041 --> 00:19:06,904 But this- 411 00:19:07,732 --> 00:19:09,078 One Frasier fan. 412 00:19:09,113 --> 00:19:14,049 This religion is based on the philosophy that homo sapiens 413 00:19:15,257 --> 00:19:18,329 were elevated to the top of the food chain 70,000 years ago 414 00:19:18,364 --> 00:19:22,885 via the intervention of an intergalactic messiah 415 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,232 named Barrel. 416 00:19:25,854 --> 00:19:28,719 Because fucking, why not? 417 00:19:30,341 --> 00:19:32,343 Now, I have called it a religion 418 00:19:32,378 --> 00:19:33,931 because it seems like the most effective 419 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,243 method of recruitment. 420 00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:40,075 But the teachings are grounded in scientific fact, okay? 421 00:19:41,352 --> 00:19:44,079 For example, we know that at least 10 different species 422 00:19:44,113 --> 00:19:48,048 of human lived on planet earth, many of them simultaneously. 423 00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:51,051 That much at least we know to be true. 424 00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:54,572 We also know that 70,000 years ago, 425 00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:58,956 homo sapiens shot inexplicably to the top of the food chain 426 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:01,234 and they have remained there ever since. 427 00:20:01,269 --> 00:20:03,685 There's varying theories as to how that happened. 428 00:20:03,719 --> 00:20:06,860 My theory and this is where the religion part kicks in, 429 00:20:06,895 --> 00:20:11,037 is that Barrel was an intergalactic missionary, 430 00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:13,281 traveling from planet to planet, 431 00:20:13,315 --> 00:20:16,249 choosing one species from each planet, 432 00:20:16,284 --> 00:20:18,217 kick starting their intelligence, 433 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,392 leaving them to evolve for several thousand years 434 00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:24,119 then later returning to those planets 435 00:20:24,153 --> 00:20:27,743 and recruiting these newly evolved species 436 00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:32,748 to help care for and maintain the multiverse. 437 00:20:32,783 --> 00:20:34,025 Simple as that. 438 00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:37,408 The Book of Randicus teaches us 439 00:20:37,443 --> 00:20:41,792 that Barrel came to planet Earth, chose homo sapiens 440 00:20:41,826 --> 00:20:44,967 and gave us 70,000 years to evolve. 441 00:20:45,002 --> 00:20:48,247 Which means, she could be back here any day now 442 00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:51,802 so we need to crack the fuck on with becoming enlightened. 443 00:20:52,665 --> 00:20:54,149 Any questions? 444 00:20:54,183 --> 00:20:54,943 - [Crowd] No. 445 00:20:54,977 --> 00:20:55,909 - Wendy? 446 00:20:55,944 --> 00:20:56,979 - None whatsoever. 447 00:20:57,014 --> 00:20:58,498 - Excellent. 448 00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:00,604 - We are ready to crack on. 449 00:21:02,951 --> 00:21:03,917 - Yeah, no. 450 00:21:03,952 --> 00:21:05,264 Yep, that's great. 451 00:21:08,163 --> 00:21:10,303 Smattering of applause. 452 00:21:10,338 --> 00:21:13,306 I am sensing a little bit of cynicism. 453 00:21:13,341 --> 00:21:16,067 Particularly from the Greg region of the audience. 454 00:21:22,695 --> 00:21:26,043 Just so you know, I've been doing a bit of a missionary tour 455 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:28,804 around the country to promote this concept. 456 00:21:28,839 --> 00:21:30,289 And you might be surprised to learn 457 00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:33,188 that a lot of people are getting on board with this shit. 458 00:21:40,747 --> 00:21:43,474 I've been on the road for about a year now. 459 00:21:43,509 --> 00:21:45,165 I've met some wonderful people. 460 00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:50,170 I've also mastered the art of making porridge 461 00:21:50,205 --> 00:21:53,070 in a motel room kettle. 462 00:21:53,104 --> 00:21:55,037 And I tell you, there's nothing more inspiring 463 00:21:55,072 --> 00:21:58,627 than looking across a carpark to a busy freeway 464 00:21:58,662 --> 00:22:01,665 whilst scrapping glutinous oats off the bottom 465 00:22:01,699 --> 00:22:05,945 of a calcified electrical appliance from the mid 1970s. 466 00:22:11,951 --> 00:22:15,299 It goes well with a side of suicide contemplation I've found 467 00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:22,168 I do like a road side motel, though. 468 00:22:22,202 --> 00:22:25,344 Particularly, when traveling in remote areas. 469 00:22:25,378 --> 00:22:27,104 Airbnbs in the middle of nowhere 470 00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:29,934 can be a little bit fucking terrifying, can't they? 471 00:22:31,695 --> 00:22:35,388 I thought you said that this was an adjoining dwelling. 472 00:22:35,423 --> 00:22:37,908 Well, the beds are adjoining. 473 00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:41,360 True story! 474 00:22:43,431 --> 00:22:48,159 Regional South Australia is a chilling part of the country. 475 00:22:49,229 --> 00:22:50,127 I love being on the road. 476 00:22:50,161 --> 00:22:51,749 I'm a big fan of it. 477 00:22:51,784 --> 00:22:54,131 I have a lot of fun and there's not many downsides. 478 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:57,065 But there is one thing about constantly traveling 479 00:22:57,099 --> 00:22:59,895 and staying in different places, one thing that I'm sick of. 480 00:22:59,930 --> 00:23:03,105 Do you know what I'm fucking sick of, Brunswick Heads? 481 00:23:03,140 --> 00:23:03,899 - What are you sick of? 482 00:23:03,934 --> 00:23:05,176 - Thank you very much. 483 00:23:06,143 --> 00:23:08,145 Call and response. 484 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:09,974 I am fucking sick of, 485 00:23:11,148 --> 00:23:13,599 writing my experience. 486 00:23:16,118 --> 00:23:17,637 Fuck that. 487 00:23:17,672 --> 00:23:20,606 Why can't I just stay somewhere or eat something 488 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,403 or travel somewhere, without immediately having to fill out 489 00:23:24,437 --> 00:23:28,476 some customer survey to reassure the business 490 00:23:28,510 --> 00:23:31,720 I've just interacted with like I'm trying to dig 491 00:23:31,755 --> 00:23:36,104 a co-dependent lover out of the post-coital shame spiral. 492 00:23:37,519 --> 00:23:38,831 Did you have a nice time? 493 00:23:38,865 --> 00:23:39,832 How was it for you? 494 00:23:39,866 --> 00:23:41,834 What could we do better? 495 00:23:41,868 --> 00:23:43,491 What's wrong with us? 496 00:23:43,525 --> 00:23:45,216 What's wrong with us? 497 00:23:47,874 --> 00:23:48,634 Fuck that! 498 00:23:48,668 --> 00:23:51,878 Yeah! 499 00:23:53,121 --> 00:23:57,988 I mean look, by all means, provide an avenue for complaint. 500 00:23:58,851 --> 00:24:00,197 Like if I'm unhappy, 501 00:24:00,231 --> 00:24:02,510 I'll be the first to write a strongly worded email 502 00:24:02,544 --> 00:24:07,376 or perhaps slip a crude drawing into a suggestion box. 503 00:24:08,343 --> 00:24:10,345 But if you don't hear from me, 504 00:24:10,379 --> 00:24:13,141 just assume everything was fine. 505 00:24:13,175 --> 00:24:15,661 Our transaction is complete. 506 00:24:15,695 --> 00:24:17,870 Fucking back yourself. 507 00:24:18,698 --> 00:24:19,975 It's everywhere now. 508 00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:22,288 There's touch screens now at the airports. 509 00:24:22,322 --> 00:24:25,325 They feature like a spectrum of emojis. 510 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:30,365 So, you press the face that's closest to your own face 511 00:24:31,849 --> 00:24:35,888 having just experienced whatever your face just experienced. 512 00:24:37,027 --> 00:24:37,890 They have them outside the toilets 513 00:24:37,924 --> 00:24:39,857 at the international airports. 514 00:24:39,892 --> 00:24:40,686 Touch screens. 515 00:24:41,687 --> 00:24:43,033 Outside the toilets! 516 00:24:45,173 --> 00:24:46,899 Now, just for the moment let's ignore the fact that 517 00:24:46,933 --> 00:24:48,901 that touch screen is a giant Petri dish 518 00:24:48,935 --> 00:24:51,593 for literally thousands of stool samples. 519 00:24:52,870 --> 00:24:55,183 I still resent having to write my experience 520 00:24:55,217 --> 00:24:57,357 of going to the fucking toilet. 521 00:24:57,392 --> 00:24:59,981 Oh, gosh, okay, I've gotta do this scre- 522 00:25:00,015 --> 00:25:01,500 No, guys, I'll catch up! 523 00:25:01,534 --> 00:25:03,329 Yeah, no, I'll get the next flight. 524 00:25:03,363 --> 00:25:05,124 I'll just have to do this screen. 525 00:25:06,194 --> 00:25:07,506 Okay, here we go. 526 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,369 Okay, golly gosh. 527 00:25:09,404 --> 00:25:13,166 All right, which face most accurately depicts 528 00:25:13,201 --> 00:25:17,861 my emotional state having just taken a shit at the airport? 529 00:25:19,414 --> 00:25:20,691 Oh, this is tough. 530 00:25:20,726 --> 00:25:24,177 I can't choose between tragically desperate 531 00:25:24,212 --> 00:25:27,249 or shamefully humiliated. 532 00:25:27,284 --> 00:25:30,770 Oh, bugger it, I'll just go with, I didn't wash my hands! 533 00:25:33,739 --> 00:25:35,568 I can't tell if you guys are on board with this or not 534 00:25:35,603 --> 00:25:36,914 just by round of applause, 535 00:25:36,949 --> 00:25:38,226 who here is sick of doing surveys? 536 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,296 Who's with me? 537 00:25:44,266 --> 00:25:46,441 That was a survey, you fucking idiots! 538 00:25:47,787 --> 00:25:49,375 I just surveyed the room. 539 00:25:49,409 --> 00:25:51,066 You're like, yeah, we hate surveys. 540 00:25:52,620 --> 00:25:54,380 That's how they get you. 541 00:25:54,414 --> 00:25:56,900 Stay on your toes, Brunswick Heads. 542 00:25:57,935 --> 00:26:01,318 Stay for joint. 543 00:26:03,631 --> 00:26:04,735 What was your name, man, sorry? 544 00:26:04,770 --> 00:26:06,047 - I'm John. 545 00:26:06,081 --> 00:26:07,324 - Why don't we do a little photo together? 546 00:26:07,358 --> 00:26:08,877 - That would be so good. 547 00:26:08,912 --> 00:26:09,671 - Let's do that. 548 00:26:12,847 --> 00:26:15,332 - Me and John at the petrol station. 549 00:26:18,162 --> 00:26:19,370 - Good on you, John. 550 00:26:21,476 --> 00:26:24,341 - My wife and my little boy are gonna love this. 551 00:26:24,375 --> 00:26:25,307 He's six. 552 00:26:25,342 --> 00:26:26,481 - Oh, grouse. 553 00:26:28,034 --> 00:26:32,280 - And we loved your show, was it something on Elm Street or? 554 00:26:32,314 --> 00:26:34,075 - Which one, oh, the Ricketts Lane? 555 00:26:34,109 --> 00:26:35,904 - Ricketts Lane, yeah. - Oh, grouse. 556 00:26:35,939 --> 00:26:37,837 - Oh, good on you, John. - Ricketts Lane. 557 00:26:37,872 --> 00:26:39,011 We love Ricketts Lane. - That's awesome. 558 00:26:39,045 --> 00:26:40,737 Oh, well, so do we. 559 00:26:40,771 --> 00:26:41,738 Well, bloody nice to meet you. 560 00:26:41,772 --> 00:26:42,739 - Oh, you too, man. 561 00:26:42,773 --> 00:26:44,016 - What an absolute delight? 562 00:26:44,050 --> 00:26:46,535 - Are you still doing things with Sammy J? 563 00:26:46,570 --> 00:26:48,089 - Yeah, we're still doing lots of stuff. 564 00:26:48,123 --> 00:26:49,642 We're working on a new show - Oh, cool. 565 00:26:49,677 --> 00:26:52,921 - But I'm off overseas next, in a couple of weeks. 566 00:26:52,956 --> 00:26:55,372 But yeah, we're still doing stuff. 567 00:26:55,406 --> 00:26:56,684 Bring it in, yes. 568 00:26:58,202 --> 00:27:00,273 - Oh, Randy, it's been so nice to meet you. 569 00:27:00,308 --> 00:27:01,516 - Mate, it's been an absolute delight. 570 00:27:01,550 --> 00:27:03,518 Thanks very much for saying good day. 571 00:27:10,801 --> 00:27:12,561 I would now like to take a reading 572 00:27:12,596 --> 00:27:15,185 from the Book of Randicus. 573 00:27:15,219 --> 00:27:18,498 Chapter seven verse 69. 574 00:27:20,224 --> 00:27:21,018 Oh, grow up. 575 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,470 It just happens to be verse 69. 576 00:27:24,504 --> 00:27:25,782 It's pure coincidence. 577 00:27:25,816 --> 00:27:27,507 It's a good verse, all right? 578 00:27:27,542 --> 00:27:30,200 It could've been any verse. 579 00:27:30,234 --> 00:27:31,926 We're all adults here. 580 00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:34,273 Disgusting. 581 00:27:43,385 --> 00:27:45,629 69 is pretty funny though isn't it? 582 00:27:46,872 --> 00:27:49,495 Totally impractical on an evolutionary level 583 00:27:49,529 --> 00:27:53,326 but just fucking classic comedy in the bedroom. 584 00:27:53,361 --> 00:27:54,534 Dinner for two, whoa! 585 00:28:02,128 --> 00:28:04,752 I always think of Pompeii when I'm in that position. 586 00:28:09,377 --> 00:28:11,620 You know like when Pompeii volcano erupted 587 00:28:11,655 --> 00:28:13,553 and everybody just go frozen in the positions 588 00:28:13,588 --> 00:28:15,383 they were in at the time? 589 00:28:15,417 --> 00:28:17,385 I'm always worried I'm gonna be in 69 position, 590 00:28:17,419 --> 00:28:19,421 there's gonna be a volcanic eruption 591 00:28:19,456 --> 00:28:21,734 and I'm gonna get frozen and 2,000 years from now, 592 00:28:21,769 --> 00:28:25,531 school children will be giggling at my undignified demise 593 00:28:25,565 --> 00:28:27,464 in their holographic history books. 594 00:28:27,498 --> 00:28:30,087 Like, oh no, how humiliating? 595 00:28:37,232 --> 00:28:40,373 It's always a bit conflicting the 69 position, isn't it? 596 00:28:40,408 --> 00:28:43,549 It's like doing your tax on a carnival ride. 597 00:28:43,583 --> 00:28:45,447 You don't know whether to focus 598 00:28:45,482 --> 00:28:47,518 or just kick back and enjoy the view. 599 00:28:48,657 --> 00:28:49,969 There's a lot going on. 600 00:28:50,004 --> 00:28:51,764 Genitals in your face. 601 00:28:51,799 --> 00:28:53,421 Face in your genitals. 602 00:28:54,974 --> 00:28:56,562 It's always a bit frantic. 603 00:28:56,596 --> 00:28:59,461 I've not have many relaxing 69s, is what I'm trying to say. 604 00:29:00,808 --> 00:29:03,017 You know, shut up Greg, I'm trying to do a reading here. 605 00:29:18,549 --> 00:29:23,554 Oh fuck, hang on, I'm on the wrong page. 606 00:29:43,298 --> 00:29:44,506 - Want a man? 607 00:29:44,541 --> 00:29:46,129 - Don't fucking patronize me. 608 00:30:08,151 --> 00:30:09,911 All right, here we go. 609 00:30:11,844 --> 00:30:13,984 Oh, I was on the right page. 610 00:30:15,572 --> 00:30:16,607 And lo, 611 00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:20,680 Barrel held aloft her hand 612 00:30:20,715 --> 00:30:23,891 and spake she in a voice that rippled 613 00:30:23,925 --> 00:30:26,652 through the tall grasslands. 614 00:30:26,686 --> 00:30:30,587 Like the uninvited breath of the stranger's hound 615 00:30:30,621 --> 00:30:34,936 on the exposed leg beneath the outdoor cafe table. 616 00:30:37,559 --> 00:30:40,597 Consider your fingertip, spake Barrel 617 00:30:40,631 --> 00:30:41,391 and onward she spake. 618 00:30:42,944 --> 00:30:44,739 Your fingertip, 619 00:30:44,773 --> 00:30:48,674 your fingertip is currently harboring 620 00:30:48,708 --> 00:30:52,747 tens of millions of living organisms. 621 00:30:52,781 --> 00:30:54,680 Just the tip of your finger. 622 00:30:54,714 --> 00:30:56,371 Consider that for a moment. 623 00:30:56,406 --> 00:30:59,616 Now consider, that your entire body is home 624 00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:04,552 to 100 trillion non-human cells. 625 00:31:05,794 --> 00:31:09,660 Each of you carry around 4.4 million non-human genes. 626 00:31:11,145 --> 00:31:15,943 90% of who you are is not actually, who you are. 627 00:31:17,496 --> 00:31:21,051 Her words rang out across the valley. 628 00:31:21,086 --> 00:31:24,468 Microbes, my brothers and sisters. 629 00:31:24,503 --> 00:31:26,401 I'mma talking about microbes. 630 00:31:27,955 --> 00:31:31,579 Now, consider your fingertip is planet Earth 631 00:31:31,613 --> 00:31:36,204 and the rest of your body is the surrounding universe, 632 00:31:36,239 --> 00:31:40,208 allowing for the limitless possibilities that that presents, 633 00:31:40,243 --> 00:31:43,280 given the choice, would you doom your species 634 00:31:43,315 --> 00:31:46,939 to evolutionary stagnation on the tip of a finger? 635 00:31:46,974 --> 00:31:50,943 Or would you prefer to see some really fucking cool shit? 636 00:31:53,187 --> 00:31:54,567 - Cool shit. 637 00:31:54,602 --> 00:31:55,603 - Cool shit? 638 00:31:55,637 --> 00:31:56,707 Fair enough. 639 00:31:59,089 --> 00:32:00,366 I had a 640 00:32:03,818 --> 00:32:06,648 a really, a really fucked up thing, 641 00:32:06,683 --> 00:32:08,167 stay with me, stay with me. 642 00:32:09,617 --> 00:32:11,308 A really fucked up thing happened to me 643 00:32:11,343 --> 00:32:12,965 on this missionary tour. 644 00:32:14,208 --> 00:32:16,658 I had a near death experience. 645 00:32:16,693 --> 00:32:19,661 Recently, actually, quite recently, I genuinely nearly died. 646 00:32:19,696 --> 00:32:22,664 And what happened was, I nearly died from food poisoning. 647 00:32:22,699 --> 00:32:25,253 Which is a bullshit way to die. 648 00:32:25,288 --> 00:32:27,290 What are people gonna say about me when I'm gone. 649 00:32:27,324 --> 00:32:31,639 Ah, well he always did make poor menu choices. 650 00:32:33,054 --> 00:32:35,988 What happened to me was I ate something funky 651 00:32:36,023 --> 00:32:40,717 in that giant food court at that massive shopping mall 652 00:32:40,751 --> 00:32:42,822 where all the obnoxious bogans go 653 00:32:42,857 --> 00:32:44,997 and they're really rude to the staff. 654 00:32:45,032 --> 00:32:46,723 You know, the big fucking mall, what's it called? 655 00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:47,966 The really big one? 656 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:49,312 - Westfield. - No, not Westfield. 657 00:32:49,346 --> 00:32:50,658 The other one, what's it called? 658 00:32:50,692 --> 00:32:52,867 The massive, people are asshole, you know? 659 00:32:52,901 --> 00:32:54,455 No, not that one, fuck what's it called? 660 00:32:54,489 --> 00:32:55,318 Bali! 661 00:32:55,352 --> 00:32:56,077 It's called Bali. 662 00:32:58,666 --> 00:33:02,566 So, I was in - I ate something in Bali, right? 663 00:33:05,190 --> 00:33:08,745 It disagreed with me to the point that I got salmonella. 664 00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:12,542 And it was so serious that I got an abscess on my spleen 665 00:33:12,576 --> 00:33:15,752 and had to have my fucking spleen removed. 666 00:33:15,786 --> 00:33:16,684 I know. 667 00:33:18,203 --> 00:33:19,652 If you don't know what the spleen does, by the way, 668 00:33:19,687 --> 00:33:22,034 it filters your blood and it helps in the fight 669 00:33:22,069 --> 00:33:24,140 against nasty bacteria. 670 00:33:24,174 --> 00:33:26,176 It's kinda like the organ equivalent 671 00:33:26,211 --> 00:33:28,523 of a night club bouncer. 672 00:33:28,558 --> 00:33:31,733 You don't really need it and no one really likes it, 673 00:33:31,768 --> 00:33:33,356 but if it's not there, 674 00:33:33,390 --> 00:33:36,945 someone's gonna get their dick out on the dance floor. 675 00:33:38,464 --> 00:33:41,191 I was in hospital for about six weeks, just laying there. 676 00:33:41,226 --> 00:33:42,503 Six weeks. 677 00:33:42,537 --> 00:33:45,402 Just contemplating my own mortality 678 00:33:45,437 --> 00:33:49,924 when a single thought struck me with absolute clarity. 679 00:33:51,201 --> 00:33:55,895 I'm just a temporary microbe made up of other microbes 680 00:33:56,827 --> 00:33:58,726 on a planet of microbes 681 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:03,455 in an ever expanding universe of microbes. 682 00:34:03,489 --> 00:34:06,078 Suddenly, I was an empty shell. 683 00:34:06,113 --> 00:34:08,735 Open to limitless possibilities. 684 00:34:08,770 --> 00:34:12,291 All I needed was a sign. 685 00:34:12,326 --> 00:34:13,913 And that's when the old man 686 00:34:13,947 --> 00:34:17,607 in the bed next to mine, turn to me 687 00:34:17,641 --> 00:34:18,435 and died. 688 00:34:21,404 --> 00:34:23,751 And while riffling through his possessions, 689 00:34:25,925 --> 00:34:29,308 I found a book of daily Buddhist meditations. 690 00:34:29,342 --> 00:34:31,897 And I turn to that day's date and it said, 691 00:34:31,931 --> 00:34:33,967 each morning we are born again. 692 00:34:34,002 --> 00:34:36,487 And I looked at him and said, not today grandpa. 693 00:34:38,317 --> 00:34:39,422 Not today. 694 00:34:41,251 --> 00:34:43,632 But it planted a seed, right? 695 00:34:43,667 --> 00:34:45,290 And I was already kinda into Buddhism 696 00:34:45,324 --> 00:34:47,809 but this led me to get deeper and deeper into Buddhism. 697 00:34:47,844 --> 00:34:49,431 I had dabbled, previously. 698 00:34:49,466 --> 00:34:51,158 I've spoken about it onstage before. 699 00:34:51,192 --> 00:34:53,021 But after this, I became quite devout. 700 00:34:53,056 --> 00:34:55,783 I had a meditation practice everyday, 701 00:34:55,817 --> 00:34:58,958 a daily gratitude practice. 702 00:34:58,993 --> 00:35:02,824 I went to Myanmar and slaughtered thousands of Muslims. 703 00:35:02,859 --> 00:35:05,103 Yeah, I'm just trying to be a good Buddhist. 704 00:35:06,828 --> 00:35:08,451 They lost a few karmic points 705 00:35:08,485 --> 00:35:10,522 when they started dabbling in genocide, didn't they? 706 00:35:10,556 --> 00:35:13,111 But I did - I did genuinely, 707 00:35:13,145 --> 00:35:16,355 I did go and stay in a Buddhist temple up in Japan. 708 00:35:16,390 --> 00:35:19,427 Up in the mountains of Koyasan for a couple of weeks. 709 00:35:19,462 --> 00:35:22,603 And I got up every morning at like 5:00 A.M. 710 00:35:22,637 --> 00:35:24,846 And I prayed with the monks. 711 00:35:24,881 --> 00:35:26,779 And then, I go back to my little room 712 00:35:26,814 --> 00:35:30,128 with its tatami mats and it's simple, 713 00:35:30,162 --> 00:35:32,509 spiritually mindful design 714 00:35:32,544 --> 00:35:34,925 and I would masturbate to internet pornography. 715 00:35:37,825 --> 00:35:42,174 And I thought, this experience may be lost on me. 716 00:35:42,209 --> 00:35:43,002 This, this 717 00:35:44,763 --> 00:35:46,696 This is not connection. 718 00:35:46,730 --> 00:35:49,043 This is total isolation. 719 00:35:49,077 --> 00:35:49,975 What am I doing? 720 00:35:50,009 --> 00:35:53,565 What the fuck am I doing? 721 00:35:54,773 --> 00:35:55,739 What is this? 722 00:35:55,774 --> 00:35:57,534 I mean, what are we as a species? 723 00:35:57,569 --> 00:35:59,916 I mean, when did we lose faith in ourselves 724 00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:02,194 and decided that it was more fun to own everything 725 00:36:02,229 --> 00:36:03,230 than take care of it? 726 00:36:03,264 --> 00:36:04,507 Let's face it. 727 00:36:04,541 --> 00:36:05,922 Humans were never meant to be dominant. 728 00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:07,544 It doesn't make sense. 729 00:36:07,579 --> 00:36:09,753 We don't know how to behave at the top of the food chain. 730 00:36:09,788 --> 00:36:11,065 We didn't earn it. 731 00:36:11,099 --> 00:36:14,931 You think lions and crocodiles have existential crises? 732 00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:17,485 No, they just move quick, get strong, eat shit. 733 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:21,869 They don't have time to jerk off in a temple, right? 734 00:36:24,734 --> 00:36:27,909 And before you say, I'm more disciplined than you, Randy. 735 00:36:27,944 --> 00:36:29,014 I'm not like that. 736 00:36:29,048 --> 00:36:30,912 Bullshit! 737 00:36:30,947 --> 00:36:33,984 You all wank in your own temples. 738 00:36:34,951 --> 00:36:36,849 Humans evolve to be in the middle. 739 00:36:36,884 --> 00:36:39,266 That's why we're so bad at running things. 740 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:41,371 We've got 2 million years of chemical evolution 741 00:36:41,406 --> 00:36:44,719 telling us to run away from everything or stab it to death 742 00:36:44,754 --> 00:36:46,065 or fuck it in ear. 743 00:36:47,377 --> 00:36:49,966 Barrel gave us the opportunity for enlightenment 744 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:51,726 and we fucking wasted it. 745 00:36:51,761 --> 00:36:53,349 We lost our way. 746 00:36:53,383 --> 00:36:54,971 And if you don't believe me, look around you. 747 00:36:55,005 --> 00:36:56,352 Look at this room. 748 00:36:56,386 --> 00:36:59,527 Room full of magnificent creatures with limitless potential 749 00:36:59,562 --> 00:37:03,704 for symbiotic compassion and spiritual perfection, 750 00:37:03,738 --> 00:37:05,568 paying good money to see a man 751 00:37:05,602 --> 00:37:07,259 that's dedicated the best years of his life 752 00:37:07,294 --> 00:37:10,607 into finding a way to monetize screaming at strangers. 753 00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,301 I mean, fucking look at my face. 754 00:37:14,335 --> 00:37:16,579 What are you even watching right now? 755 00:37:17,821 --> 00:37:19,961 And what the fuck do I have to show for this? 756 00:37:19,996 --> 00:37:22,378 Fuck all, 38 years old, 757 00:37:22,412 --> 00:37:26,244 no partner, no kids, no assets, no savings. 758 00:37:26,278 --> 00:37:27,797 The most expensive thing I own 759 00:37:27,831 --> 00:37:29,971 is an autograph copy of George Michael's "Faith" 760 00:37:30,006 --> 00:37:31,214 on cassette tape! 761 00:37:42,018 --> 00:37:44,158 Oh, I don't fucking know. 762 00:37:45,608 --> 00:37:48,127 I don't know, sometimes you do. 763 00:37:50,820 --> 00:37:53,029 You do, you travel around and you do shows and- 764 00:37:56,860 --> 00:37:58,828 I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how I go here. 765 00:37:58,862 --> 00:37:59,622 I don't know. 766 00:38:05,041 --> 00:38:06,249 - [Crowd] Aww. 767 00:38:07,077 --> 00:38:08,976 Aww, yeah, yeah. 768 00:38:09,010 --> 00:38:09,942 - We love you. 769 00:38:09,977 --> 00:38:11,219 - Thank you, I love- - I'd marry you! 770 00:38:11,254 --> 00:38:12,807 - That's the spirit. 771 00:38:14,533 --> 00:38:17,053 That's where we need to start, bit of that shit. 772 00:38:21,989 --> 00:38:25,682 Yeah hey mum, no, I'm still on the road. 773 00:38:26,890 --> 00:38:28,996 Oh I don't even know where I am right now. 774 00:38:30,204 --> 00:38:31,205 Yeah. 775 00:38:32,344 --> 00:38:33,172 Yeah, I will. 776 00:38:34,208 --> 00:38:35,209 All right. 777 00:38:36,486 --> 00:38:37,660 Yeah no, I'm good, I'm good. 778 00:38:37,694 --> 00:38:38,971 I'm just tired. 779 00:38:39,006 --> 00:38:40,663 Okay, love you too. 780 00:38:41,698 --> 00:38:42,492 Okay, bye. 781 00:38:49,361 --> 00:38:50,983 You know actually, 782 00:38:51,018 --> 00:38:55,022 it was my uncle that got me into comedy, inadvertently. 783 00:38:56,230 --> 00:38:58,888 I got this uncle, he's an amateur magician. 784 00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:03,996 And by that I mean, he really wants to be a magician. 785 00:39:04,031 --> 00:39:06,033 But he's just fucking amateur! 786 00:39:07,137 --> 00:39:09,036 Just fucking awful! 787 00:39:10,900 --> 00:39:13,385 And he always does these Christmas shows for us. 788 00:39:13,420 --> 00:39:16,008 He does Christmas magic shows every Christmas. 789 00:39:16,043 --> 00:39:17,216 And when I say that, 790 00:39:17,251 --> 00:39:19,218 you're probably picturing like card tricks 791 00:39:19,253 --> 00:39:21,117 and rabbits out of hats. 792 00:39:21,151 --> 00:39:22,394 None of that. 793 00:39:22,429 --> 00:39:25,742 He's like an amateur escapologist, daredevil, 794 00:39:25,777 --> 00:39:28,089 illusionist kind of magician. 795 00:39:28,124 --> 00:39:32,404 Just doing dangerous, dangerous shit with no training 796 00:39:32,439 --> 00:39:35,234 and not a lot going on upstairs. 797 00:39:36,408 --> 00:39:38,410 One of my earliest childhood memories right, 798 00:39:38,445 --> 00:39:42,725 he got up on top of the pergola right, in a straitjacket 799 00:39:42,759 --> 00:39:46,867 and he's gonna jump off the pergola into the swimming pool 800 00:39:46,901 --> 00:39:50,249 and not surface until he got out of the straitjacket. 801 00:39:50,284 --> 00:39:52,700 None of us told him not to do it. 802 00:39:52,735 --> 00:39:57,256 He's up there, on the pergola, wrapped in his straitjacket 803 00:39:57,291 --> 00:39:59,086 and he does this thing before he does any trick, 804 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,226 he goes, 3-2-1 ready. 805 00:40:01,260 --> 00:40:02,469 It's like his little catchphrase. 806 00:40:02,503 --> 00:40:04,402 So, he's up there he goes, 3-2-1 ready. 807 00:40:04,436 --> 00:40:06,921 He takes a step back to run up into the pool 808 00:40:06,956 --> 00:40:08,129 and just went 809 00:40:08,164 --> 00:40:10,649 straight through the pergola, 810 00:40:10,684 --> 00:40:14,239 impaled his shoulder on a star picket, 811 00:40:14,273 --> 00:40:17,553 tore all the ligaments in his ankle and when he landed, 812 00:40:17,587 --> 00:40:20,176 he made such a loud noise, it frightened the dog 813 00:40:20,210 --> 00:40:22,040 and the dog bit him on the face. 814 00:40:26,838 --> 00:40:29,944 So, Christmas was always awesome. 815 00:40:31,290 --> 00:40:34,259 And that year, he wouldn't let us take him to the hospital. 816 00:40:34,293 --> 00:40:35,329 He's like, I'll be fine. 817 00:40:35,363 --> 00:40:36,641 He just 818 00:40:36,675 --> 00:40:38,263 pulled himself off the star picket, 819 00:40:38,297 --> 00:40:41,266 cracked a stubby and went to the barbecue, 820 00:40:41,300 --> 00:40:42,612 you know what I mean? 821 00:40:42,647 --> 00:40:44,994 But as a result, he fucked his shoulders so bad, 822 00:40:45,028 --> 00:40:46,996 he fucked all the nerves in his arm 823 00:40:47,030 --> 00:40:48,929 and he's got no feeling in his left hand. 824 00:40:48,963 --> 00:40:51,310 He can still pick stuff up but he can't feel things 825 00:40:51,345 --> 00:40:53,796 and he always says horrible, horrible shit like, 826 00:40:53,830 --> 00:40:57,040 Yeah, Randy, I don't even need the missus anymore, 827 00:40:57,075 --> 00:41:00,354 I just close me eyes and think of Mariah Carey. 828 00:41:01,666 --> 00:41:03,633 Yeah, the man's a fucking unit. 829 00:41:03,668 --> 00:41:04,462 So 830 00:41:05,704 --> 00:41:07,361 This one Christmas, this is how I got into comedy 831 00:41:07,395 --> 00:41:10,053 This one Christmas, someone from his local RSL club 832 00:41:10,088 --> 00:41:12,884 had given him a little PeeWee 100 motor bike, 833 00:41:12,918 --> 00:41:15,127 like a little children's motor bike. 834 00:41:15,162 --> 00:41:18,130 I'm not sure why, maybe they wanted him dead. 835 00:41:18,165 --> 00:41:20,339 But anyway, he turned up to Christmas 836 00:41:20,374 --> 00:41:22,894 He turned up to Christmas right, 837 00:41:22,928 --> 00:41:26,138 with this little PeeWee 100 motor bike 838 00:41:26,173 --> 00:41:29,556 and he built a ramp in his ute. 839 00:41:29,590 --> 00:41:33,387 He built a ramp that folded out of the tray of his ute 840 00:41:33,421 --> 00:41:37,218 and then, up over the cab of little truck. 841 00:41:37,253 --> 00:41:40,083 And he had this idea that he was gonna drive his little ute 842 00:41:40,118 --> 00:41:43,501 around to school fetes and county fairs and stuff 843 00:41:43,535 --> 00:41:48,160 and do jumps on his little motor bike in his ute ramp. 844 00:41:48,195 --> 00:41:52,233 Again, none of us told him not to do it. 845 00:41:52,268 --> 00:41:53,545 He turned up with his thing 846 00:41:53,580 --> 00:41:55,202 and he set it up across the road, 847 00:41:55,236 --> 00:41:57,238 and we were having Christmas at my family's house 848 00:41:57,273 --> 00:41:59,240 in the country in central Victoria. 849 00:41:59,275 --> 00:42:00,656 There's heaps of paddocks around. 850 00:42:00,690 --> 00:42:01,933 We're in the middle of nowhere 851 00:42:01,967 --> 00:42:03,555 so he loves having Christmas there 852 00:42:03,590 --> 00:42:05,592 cause he can do dangerous shit in the paddocks, right, 853 00:42:05,626 --> 00:42:07,248 and really spread out. 854 00:42:07,283 --> 00:42:09,596 So, he built this obstacle course 855 00:42:09,630 --> 00:42:12,288 and he's across the road all morning, setting this up 856 00:42:12,322 --> 00:42:14,808 and we're in the house and we hear, 3-2-1 ready! 857 00:42:16,050 --> 00:42:19,398 So, we go across the road and there he is. 858 00:42:19,433 --> 00:42:20,848 Picture this, he's a massive dude. 859 00:42:20,883 --> 00:42:21,918 Huge guy. 860 00:42:21,953 --> 00:42:24,024 Strawberry blonde mullet. 861 00:42:24,058 --> 00:42:26,129 Big blonde handlebar mustache 862 00:42:26,164 --> 00:42:28,373 with a nicotine stain in the middle 863 00:42:28,407 --> 00:42:30,409 like he's been eating an ass. 864 00:42:30,444 --> 00:42:33,136 And he just sits there, right. 865 00:42:33,171 --> 00:42:34,793 He huge in this tiny motor bike. 866 00:42:34,828 --> 00:42:35,967 He's like, here we go. 867 00:42:37,175 --> 00:42:38,383 And he took off. 868 00:42:38,417 --> 00:42:40,040 And he was like weaving through the cones. 869 00:42:40,074 --> 00:42:41,593 Popping little monos. 870 00:42:41,628 --> 00:42:43,630 He did about 25 minutes as a warm up. 871 00:42:43,664 --> 00:42:47,219 We're like, actually this is pretty entertaining. 872 00:42:47,254 --> 00:42:48,635 And he gets to the end of his warm up, 873 00:42:48,669 --> 00:42:51,085 he parks the bike about maybe 20 meters 874 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:53,916 from where he's gonna start his run up to his big jump. 875 00:42:53,950 --> 00:42:56,297 And he added a little bit of showbiz flare here. 876 00:42:56,332 --> 00:42:57,644 I'll never forget it. 877 00:42:57,678 --> 00:42:59,715 He got off the bike and he pretended that the motor bike 878 00:42:59,749 --> 00:43:01,717 was too heavy for him to push. 879 00:43:01,751 --> 00:43:03,408 Massive dude, tiny motor bike. 880 00:43:03,442 --> 00:43:04,202 He just goes. 881 00:43:06,445 --> 00:43:07,343 Oh, it's too heavy kids. 882 00:43:07,377 --> 00:43:08,413 I can't push it. 883 00:43:08,447 --> 00:43:10,622 We're like, yay! 884 00:43:10,657 --> 00:43:12,348 Five stars. 885 00:43:12,382 --> 00:43:14,005 You're a comedic genius. 886 00:43:14,039 --> 00:43:15,903 He's like 887 00:43:15,938 --> 00:43:17,733 and then, he just went, oh bugger it. 888 00:43:17,767 --> 00:43:19,251 Picked the motor bike up. 889 00:43:19,286 --> 00:43:22,289 Put it under his arm and marched back to the start line, 890 00:43:22,323 --> 00:43:24,153 like a fucking legend. 891 00:43:25,326 --> 00:43:26,638 He gets to the start line. 892 00:43:26,673 --> 00:43:30,366 He goes to put the motor bike down but he can't. 893 00:43:31,539 --> 00:43:33,093 Because when he picked it up, 894 00:43:33,127 --> 00:43:36,683 he inadvertently put his left hand on the exhaust pipe. 895 00:43:36,717 --> 00:43:39,133 He's got no feeling in his left hand. 896 00:43:39,168 --> 00:43:40,790 The exhaust pipe was very hot. 897 00:43:40,825 --> 00:43:42,378 By the time he made it back to the start line, 898 00:43:42,412 --> 00:43:45,484 his left hand had fused to the exhaust pipe, 899 00:43:45,519 --> 00:43:48,349 melded to the motor bike. 900 00:43:48,384 --> 00:43:51,525 He's like, oh, I can't put it down. 901 00:43:51,559 --> 00:43:55,218 We're all like, ahh, the smell of burning flesh! 902 00:43:57,082 --> 00:43:59,360 All the adults are pouring beer on it. 903 00:43:59,395 --> 00:44:01,052 He's like, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt. 904 00:44:01,086 --> 00:44:03,537 We're like, but it's fucked! 905 00:44:04,711 --> 00:44:07,265 That year, he let us take him to the hospital. 906 00:44:08,404 --> 00:44:10,509 You have a motor bike attached to your hand. 907 00:44:10,544 --> 00:44:11,752 Get in the fucking car. 908 00:44:12,995 --> 00:44:14,341 But because we were having Christmas 909 00:44:14,375 --> 00:44:17,309 at my house in the country, everybody was shit-faced, 910 00:44:17,344 --> 00:44:18,483 because everybody was staying over. 911 00:44:18,517 --> 00:44:21,210 Everyone was camping so nobody could drive him 912 00:44:21,244 --> 00:44:25,283 except for me, I'd been on my learner's permit for one week. 913 00:44:26,387 --> 00:44:28,424 Two hour drive to the hospital. 914 00:44:28,458 --> 00:44:31,047 I'm just like white knuckling it the whole way. 915 00:44:31,082 --> 00:44:34,879 My dad shit-faced in the passenger sit just supervising me. 916 00:44:34,913 --> 00:44:36,604 Hey, you're doing a great job. 917 00:44:36,639 --> 00:44:40,850 My uncle, on the backseat, motor bike on his lap, 918 00:44:42,058 --> 00:44:44,716 his left hand fused into the exhaust pipe 919 00:44:44,751 --> 00:44:47,754 and then just sculling a long neck with his right hand. 920 00:44:49,134 --> 00:44:50,998 And that is not what got me into comedy 921 00:44:51,033 --> 00:44:53,587 but that is definitely what got me into drinking. 922 00:44:54,657 --> 00:44:56,141 That guy is tough as fuck. 923 00:44:57,384 --> 00:45:02,113 Yes! 924 00:45:03,770 --> 00:45:06,358 It's Christmas night in emergency. 925 00:45:06,393 --> 00:45:07,359 There's chaos. 926 00:45:07,394 --> 00:45:08,913 There's people impaled on Christmas trees 927 00:45:08,947 --> 00:45:12,364 and kids that have eaten Christmas baubles and shit. 928 00:45:12,399 --> 00:45:15,091 And so it's crazy but he walks through the doors 929 00:45:15,126 --> 00:45:18,405 carrying a motor bike and the entire room went silent. 930 00:45:18,439 --> 00:45:19,544 I've never seen anything like it. 931 00:45:19,578 --> 00:45:21,580 All these people just went. 932 00:45:25,067 --> 00:45:26,793 He marches up to the counter, 933 00:45:26,827 --> 00:45:29,588 slams the motor bike down in front of the triage nurse 934 00:45:29,623 --> 00:45:31,763 and just goes, I've done a mischief! 935 00:45:34,007 --> 00:45:35,387 They took him into surgery. 936 00:45:35,422 --> 00:45:37,458 He was in there for six hours. 937 00:45:37,493 --> 00:45:39,150 I had to sit in the waiting room 938 00:45:39,184 --> 00:45:40,738 and wait for him the whole time. 939 00:45:40,772 --> 00:45:42,291 And while I was there, 940 00:45:42,325 --> 00:45:44,086 there was an episode of Seinfeld on the television. 941 00:45:44,120 --> 00:45:45,225 I was like, I wanna do that. 942 00:45:45,259 --> 00:45:46,157 And here I am. 943 00:45:51,093 --> 00:45:52,301 Thank you, uncle. 944 00:45:54,096 --> 00:45:55,338 Thank you, uncle. 945 00:46:18,361 --> 00:46:20,432 We have to start believing as a collective 946 00:46:20,467 --> 00:46:22,814 that we're capable of achieving greatness 947 00:46:22,849 --> 00:46:25,506 in areas that actually matter. 948 00:46:26,473 --> 00:46:27,646 And it's not gonna be easy. 949 00:46:27,681 --> 00:46:29,096 I'm not up here saying that I've got, 950 00:46:29,131 --> 00:46:30,649 you know, I haven't got it figured out. 951 00:46:30,684 --> 00:46:33,169 We just gonna have to try. 952 00:46:33,204 --> 00:46:34,481 If we're gonna get our shit together, 953 00:46:34,515 --> 00:46:36,448 it's gonna involve some sacrifice. 954 00:46:36,483 --> 00:46:38,692 You gotta give up a lot of shit. 955 00:46:38,726 --> 00:46:42,213 Stuff like casual misogyny, listening to commercial radio 956 00:46:42,247 --> 00:46:44,077 and going to the horse races. 957 00:46:45,009 --> 00:46:46,320 Yes. 958 00:46:46,355 --> 00:46:48,184 I'm sorry, there's no more horse races now. 959 00:46:49,220 --> 00:46:50,497 Here's a fun fact. 960 00:46:50,531 --> 00:46:52,982 119 race horses died last year. 961 00:46:53,017 --> 00:46:56,641 119 race horses killed while racing. 962 00:46:56,675 --> 00:46:58,850 To put that into perspective, that's the equivalent 963 00:46:58,885 --> 00:47:02,233 of six Australian rules football teams worth of players 964 00:47:02,267 --> 00:47:05,270 dying on the field during matches. 965 00:47:07,997 --> 00:47:09,654 You reckon if that happened 966 00:47:09,688 --> 00:47:12,657 they probably put a stop to the sport, don't you think? 967 00:47:12,691 --> 00:47:14,555 It seems a little bit dangerous 968 00:47:14,590 --> 00:47:17,662 or at the very least unnecessarily cruel. 969 00:47:17,696 --> 00:47:20,699 Oh, looks like he's done his hamstring. 970 00:47:24,082 --> 00:47:28,707 Oh, that's an achilles tendon, out for the season of life. 971 00:47:32,263 --> 00:47:33,160 I think we should do it. 972 00:47:33,195 --> 00:47:34,058 I think we should start killing 973 00:47:34,092 --> 00:47:35,369 some Aussie rules footy players, 974 00:47:35,404 --> 00:47:36,301 send a message to the racing industry. 975 00:47:38,476 --> 00:47:39,787 Collingwood could go first. 976 00:47:39,822 --> 00:47:40,927 Who's with me? 977 00:47:42,721 --> 00:47:43,481 Yeah! 978 00:47:46,587 --> 00:47:48,969 You all just collectively supported mass murder. 979 00:47:52,766 --> 00:47:54,285 See that? 980 00:47:54,319 --> 00:47:56,114 Create the right environment. 981 00:47:57,944 --> 00:48:00,947 Elicit the appropriate emotional frame of mind. 982 00:48:00,981 --> 00:48:03,363 Sprinkle in a few chemicals like dopamine 983 00:48:03,397 --> 00:48:05,606 or oxytocin or serotonin. 984 00:48:05,641 --> 00:48:06,918 Add some consequences. 985 00:48:06,953 --> 00:48:08,126 Bit of peer pressure. 986 00:48:09,679 --> 00:48:11,578 You can make a person get behind pretty much anything. 987 00:48:11,612 --> 00:48:12,544 - Yep 988 00:48:12,579 --> 00:48:16,134 - You can manufacture faith. 989 00:48:16,169 --> 00:48:17,411 - Yes. 990 00:48:17,446 --> 00:48:21,726 Anywhere from blind allegiance to true love 991 00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:23,797 to the belief that repeatedly hitting a button 992 00:48:23,831 --> 00:48:27,111 at an intersection will make the traffic lights change. 993 00:48:27,145 --> 00:48:28,077 It doesn't work. 994 00:48:28,112 --> 00:48:29,907 You only need to press it once. 995 00:48:29,941 --> 00:48:31,770 It's a time sequence. 996 00:48:31,805 --> 00:48:33,220 But there's always someone there, isn't it? 997 00:48:33,255 --> 00:48:35,084 Just going, change! 998 00:48:35,119 --> 00:48:36,465 Fucking change! 999 00:48:41,125 --> 00:48:43,782 Look, the question I'm trying to ask is, right, 1000 00:48:43,817 --> 00:48:45,957 if as a species, 1001 00:48:45,992 --> 00:48:49,478 we're naturally predisposed to collective belief 1002 00:48:49,512 --> 00:48:53,827 and if all faith is fundamentally manufactured, 1003 00:48:53,861 --> 00:48:57,520 why not just create a new religion that's wholly inclusive 1004 00:48:57,555 --> 00:49:00,075 and prioritizes saving the planet, 1005 00:49:00,109 --> 00:49:01,628 protecting every living species 1006 00:49:01,662 --> 00:49:05,873 and growing towards spiritual evolution, in this life, 1007 00:49:05,908 --> 00:49:07,703 not the imaginary next one? 1008 00:49:07,737 --> 00:49:09,187 That's it, that's the question. 1009 00:49:15,883 --> 00:49:17,437 People watching this going, 1010 00:49:17,471 --> 00:49:19,439 geez you're a self-righteous little shit aren't you? 1011 00:49:19,473 --> 00:49:20,716 What are you doing, Randy? 1012 00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:21,682 What are you doing? 1013 00:49:23,029 --> 00:49:24,340 Fucking this. 1014 00:49:26,032 --> 00:49:27,723 This is it, this is all I know how to do. 1015 00:49:27,757 --> 00:49:30,760 This is the only thing I've developed skills for. 1016 00:49:32,314 --> 00:49:35,489 So, if you've got a skill, figure out how to apply it. 1017 00:49:35,524 --> 00:49:37,905 Do something, fucking worthwhile, you cunts. 1018 00:49:37,940 --> 00:49:38,734 Okay, here we go. 1019 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:44,912 I'm gonna end on a reading. 1020 00:49:44,947 --> 00:49:46,190 All right? 1021 00:49:46,224 --> 00:49:47,743 And then, we're gonna go off on the night together. 1022 00:49:47,777 --> 00:49:49,538 Change the fucking world. 1023 00:49:54,163 --> 00:49:58,374 And with that, Barrel climb aboard her space craft 1024 00:49:58,409 --> 00:49:59,272 and buggered off. 1025 00:50:00,687 --> 00:50:02,723 And the sapiens were left to ponder 1026 00:50:02,758 --> 00:50:04,725 their limitless potential. 1027 00:50:05,692 --> 00:50:09,178 So, said one sapien to another, 1028 00:50:09,213 --> 00:50:10,731 you think she's gonna come back? 1029 00:50:12,250 --> 00:50:14,735 Honestly, said the other sapien, 1030 00:50:14,770 --> 00:50:16,013 I don't know if it matters. 1031 00:50:16,047 --> 00:50:17,428 We should probably get started 1032 00:50:17,462 --> 00:50:19,257 on becoming enlightened regardless. 1033 00:50:20,707 --> 00:50:23,537 Yeah, said the other sapien. 1034 00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:25,746 I'm sure we'll get it around to it, eventually. 1035 00:50:27,369 --> 00:50:28,680 Here ends the lesson. 1036 00:50:28,715 --> 00:50:29,440 Thank you very much. 1037 00:50:29,474 --> 00:50:30,441 Good night, thank you. 1038 00:51:24,702 --> 00:51:25,841 - Thank you very much.