WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:57.919 --> 00:00:59.542 - Ladies and gentlemen, 4 00:00:59.576 --> 00:01:02.234 welcome to the Temple of Randicus. 5 00:01:20.873 --> 00:01:22.220 Thank you. 6 00:01:22.254 --> 00:01:23.497 Thank you. 7 00:01:23.531 --> 00:01:25.015 Thank you all very much 8 00:01:25.050 --> 00:01:26.948 for coming to worship this evening 9 00:01:26.983 --> 00:01:29.261 in the Temple of Randicus. 10 00:01:29.295 --> 00:01:32.920 We welcome all visitors to this temple as equals. 11 00:01:32.954 --> 00:01:35.681 Your gender identity, sexual preference, 12 00:01:35.716 --> 00:01:37.925 political beliefs, fetishes and phobias 13 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:40.893 are none of our fucking business! 14 00:01:42.515 --> 00:01:45.035 Nor is your current address. 15 00:01:45.070 --> 00:01:47.831 We welcome you regardless of where you're from 16 00:01:47.866 --> 00:01:49.868 or perhaps more importantly, 17 00:01:49.902 --> 00:01:51.939 regardless of which bit of the earth 18 00:01:51.973 --> 00:01:54.597 your mother happened to be on, 19 00:01:54.631 --> 00:01:56.771 when you were lifted from her stomach 20 00:01:56.806 --> 00:01:59.188 or pushed out of her vaginal canal. 21 00:02:00.499 --> 00:02:02.467 It doesn't bother us. 22 00:02:02.501 --> 00:02:03.364 Seriously. 23 00:02:04.572 --> 00:02:07.230 We had someone in from Ocean Shores last night. 24 00:02:08.887 --> 00:02:11.026 We let them have a seat and everything. 25 00:02:12.235 --> 00:02:14.617 It's a very broad church. 26 00:02:14.651 --> 00:02:16.550 It's a fucking broad church. 27 00:02:26.767 --> 00:02:28.251 Hello there, what's your name? 28 00:02:34.671 --> 00:02:35.914 Am I looking at someone? 29 00:02:38.123 --> 00:02:39.883 Anyone in that general vicinity? 30 00:02:41.920 --> 00:02:42.679 Am I too low? 31 00:02:42.714 --> 00:02:43.508 You, there. 32 00:02:47.857 --> 00:02:48.858 Hello? 33 00:02:48.892 --> 00:02:51.240 Fuck that side, hello what's your name? 34 00:02:51.274 --> 00:02:52.655 - Wendy. - What is it? 35 00:02:52.689 --> 00:02:54.070 - Wendy. - Wendy! 36 00:02:55.451 --> 00:02:57.487 How are you, Wendy? 37 00:02:57.522 --> 00:02:59.040 - I'm fantastic, thanks for asking. 38 00:02:59.075 --> 00:03:00.801 - Oh, thank you for coming to my show. 39 00:03:02.112 --> 00:03:04.218 Wendibles, where do you live? 40 00:03:04.253 --> 00:03:05.185 - At the end of the road. 41 00:03:05.219 --> 00:03:07.877 - Just fucking, end of the road. 42 00:03:07.911 --> 00:03:09.913 You a local Wendy, you been here a long time? 43 00:03:09.948 --> 00:03:12.192 - I ain't a local but I'm here 12 years, so. 44 00:03:12.226 --> 00:03:14.124 - Ah, 12 years, that's not local. 45 00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:15.195 - No. 46 00:03:15.228 --> 00:03:17.093 - How long do you have to live here before you a local? 47 00:03:17.127 --> 00:03:17.956 - [Crowd] 20. 48 00:03:17.990 --> 00:03:19.509 - 20? 49 00:03:19.544 --> 00:03:20.890 What's that mate? 50 00:03:20.924 --> 00:03:24.031 Someones like, I didn't hear it. 51 00:03:24.065 --> 00:03:25.239 I'm a local, I am sure you'll find 52 00:03:25.274 --> 00:03:27.897 I am born here and die here. 53 00:03:29.243 --> 00:03:31.072 Wendy, good on you. 54 00:03:31.107 --> 00:03:32.522 And you come to many shows here 55 00:03:32.557 --> 00:03:34.248 in the beautiful Brunswick Picture House? 56 00:03:34.283 --> 00:03:35.905 - I try to come to as many as I can. 57 00:03:35.939 --> 00:03:37.458 - Well, thank you for choosing this one. 58 00:03:37.493 --> 00:03:40.392 I'm honored to have you here, Wendy. 59 00:03:40.427 --> 00:03:41.221 Wow! 60 00:03:42.118 --> 00:03:43.257 Yeah, let's hear it for Wendy. 61 00:03:43.292 --> 00:03:44.879 If someone wants to clap. 62 00:03:44.914 --> 00:03:46.122 Let's do it. 63 00:03:47.572 --> 00:03:49.884 You're a bloody legend, Wendy. 64 00:03:49.918 --> 00:03:51.990 Hey, actually, as a local Wendy, 65 00:03:52.024 --> 00:03:52.922 you can help me out with this. 66 00:03:52.956 --> 00:03:55.165 I came here through Byron Bay 67 00:03:55.200 --> 00:03:57.927 and I just happened to drive through 68 00:03:57.961 --> 00:03:59.998 at this moment where the entire sky 69 00:04:00.032 --> 00:04:02.000 was just fucking full of bats. 70 00:04:02.034 --> 00:04:02.932 - Ah, yeah. 71 00:04:02.966 --> 00:04:03.933 - Does that happen often? 72 00:04:03.967 --> 00:04:05.279 - Every night, mate. 73 00:04:05.314 --> 00:04:07.108 - Mate, I've never seen, I've been to Byron a bunch of times 74 00:04:07.143 --> 00:04:09.939 never seen the bats, freaked me the fuck out. 75 00:04:09.973 --> 00:04:10.767 We have bats. 76 00:04:10.802 --> 00:04:12.286 I'm from Melbourne. 77 00:04:12.321 --> 00:04:14.115 There's heaps of bats in Melbourne but this was phenomenal. 78 00:04:14.150 --> 00:04:15.185 It was like, 79 00:04:15.220 --> 00:04:16.808 coolest shit I've ever seen. 80 00:04:16.841 --> 00:04:20.570 Just millions of, what's the collective noun for bats? 81 00:04:20.605 --> 00:04:21.502 Anybody know? 82 00:04:21.536 --> 00:04:23.297 - Colony. - A colony? 83 00:04:23.332 --> 00:04:25.610 - Cloud. - A cloud? 84 00:04:25.644 --> 00:04:27.128 A what? 85 00:04:27.163 --> 00:04:28.923 - Bats. - Bats? 86 00:04:28.957 --> 00:04:30.097 A bats. 87 00:04:30.131 --> 00:04:32.202 Yeah, let's go with the bats. 88 00:04:32.237 --> 00:04:34.066 Just the bats of bats. 89 00:04:35.620 --> 00:04:40.625 Yeah, so I saw this huge fucking bats of bats, right? 90 00:04:42.178 --> 00:04:44.525 The whole sky full of bats and then in the middle, 91 00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:48.978 just one seagull, just freaking the fuck out. 92 00:04:49.012 --> 00:04:50.359 What's going on? 93 00:04:50.393 --> 00:04:52.153 Too many bats. 94 00:04:53.085 --> 00:04:56.296 I think I got on the wrong train. 95 00:04:56.330 --> 00:04:57.987 Is this the way to the ocean? 96 00:04:59.402 --> 00:05:02.129 I don't speak bat. 97 00:05:02.163 --> 00:05:03.924 Can you speak any seagull? 98 00:05:06.685 --> 00:05:07.893 Ah, shit. 99 00:05:10.102 --> 00:05:11.241 Yeah. 100 00:05:11.276 --> 00:05:13.313 Byron's a very cool place. 101 00:05:13.347 --> 00:05:15.798 I feel a bit like a seagull amongst the bats myself 102 00:05:15.832 --> 00:05:17.040 when I'm there, Wendy. 103 00:05:17.075 --> 00:05:18.179 It's a weird place you know. 104 00:05:18.214 --> 00:05:20.181 I was there, everyone's fucking cool. 105 00:05:20.216 --> 00:05:23.323 There were kids on the beach today just doing Nangs, 106 00:05:24.496 --> 00:05:26.843 just inhaling an amount of balloons. 107 00:05:26.878 --> 00:05:28.189 I was like fuck, that's cool. 108 00:05:29.398 --> 00:05:31.020 You just having a Nang, mate? 109 00:05:31.848 --> 00:05:33.159 You gonna share? 110 00:05:33.194 --> 00:05:36.336 And I saw heaps of people cruising around in sweet cars, 111 00:05:36.370 --> 00:05:39.062 just cranking sweet tunes, like five in a row, 112 00:05:39.097 --> 00:05:41.237 just [beat boxing] 113 00:05:41.271 --> 00:05:43.688 I was like, oh, that's fucking cool! 114 00:05:43.722 --> 00:05:46.173 I wish I was that cool, you know? 115 00:05:46.207 --> 00:05:49.210 But I just don't have the playlist to back it up. 116 00:05:49.245 --> 00:05:52.386 This week's podcast is brought to you by Pet Guns. 117 00:05:52.421 --> 00:05:55.078 There's nothing cool about driving around in your car 118 00:05:55.113 --> 00:05:56.666 with the windows rolled down, 119 00:05:56.701 --> 00:06:00.118 just cranking a true crime podcast. 120 00:06:00.152 --> 00:06:01.740 And I always seem to pull up at traffic lights 121 00:06:01.775 --> 00:06:04.398 and lock eyes with the person in the car next to me, 122 00:06:04.433 --> 00:06:08.229 just at the most horrific bit of detail 123 00:06:08.264 --> 00:06:09.886 and I have to nudge my head 124 00:06:09.921 --> 00:06:13.511 like I'm listening to a cool song just as like, 125 00:06:13.545 --> 00:06:17.031 that's when the murderer disemboweled his 38th victim. 126 00:06:17.066 --> 00:06:18.792 I'm like, yeah! 127 00:06:18.826 --> 00:06:19.931 Have you heard this one? 128 00:06:19.965 --> 00:06:21.139 It's a classic. 129 00:06:22.071 --> 00:06:25.108 You can get it on iTunes. 130 00:06:25.143 --> 00:06:27.076 You can get it on iTunes. 131 00:06:31.667 --> 00:06:33.323 I'm a living joke. 132 00:06:33.358 --> 00:06:35.291 But don't worry, you're in safe hands 133 00:06:35.325 --> 00:06:36.396 my brothers and sisters. 134 00:06:36.430 --> 00:06:38.881 I know the cloak and the candles 135 00:06:38.915 --> 00:06:40.779 particularly in the current climate 136 00:06:40.814 --> 00:06:43.748 maybe a little triggering for some people 137 00:06:43.782 --> 00:06:46.233 but we're in this together tonight, okay. 138 00:06:46.267 --> 00:06:47.648 This is a group effort. 139 00:06:47.683 --> 00:06:49.270 It's about evolution. 140 00:06:49.305 --> 00:06:51.997 We're gonna collectively re-write the rules tonight, 141 00:06:52.032 --> 00:06:55.069 my beautiful Brunswick Heads parishioners. 142 00:06:55.104 --> 00:06:56.899 Starting with turning your phones off, all right? 143 00:06:56.933 --> 00:06:59.453 Just if they're on, just fucking switch 'em off. 144 00:06:59.488 --> 00:07:01.766 The show doesn't go for that long, just be present. 145 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:03.146 It'll be fine. 146 00:07:03.181 --> 00:07:06.460 And if you do leave your phone on, fucking commit. 147 00:07:07.461 --> 00:07:08.945 Take calls. 148 00:07:10.153 --> 00:07:13.156 Fucking make calls. 149 00:07:13.191 --> 00:07:15.124 Come up here and make calls. 150 00:07:15.158 --> 00:07:16.574 Come up here and make calls 151 00:07:16.608 --> 00:07:19.542 with your wireless headphones in like an asshole. 152 00:07:20.647 --> 00:07:21.441 Can't give a fuck! 153 00:07:23.684 --> 00:07:24.616 Don't take photos. 154 00:07:26.169 --> 00:07:28.931 Resist the temptation to take a photo for an hour. 155 00:07:28.965 --> 00:07:30.484 How are you gonna get through it? 156 00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:34.143 I mean, seriously, what are you gonna do to those photos? 157 00:07:34.177 --> 00:07:36.145 Show them to your grandchildren? 158 00:07:36.179 --> 00:07:39.148 This is when I went to see Randy. 159 00:07:41.564 --> 00:07:43.082 What the fuck-- 160 00:07:45.326 --> 00:07:46.673 is a Randy? 161 00:07:49.020 --> 00:07:50.815 Your memories are worthless, grandpa. 162 00:07:52.195 --> 00:07:55.164 We had a meeting, you're out of the family. 163 00:07:57.546 --> 00:07:59.133 So, take photos at your own risk. 164 00:07:59.168 --> 00:08:02.205 Who's having a beverage this evening, alcoholic style? 165 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:03.483 Yes! 166 00:08:03.517 --> 00:08:04.380 If you're having a drink, that's great. 167 00:08:04.414 --> 00:08:06.693 If you're on drugs, even better. 168 00:08:08.108 --> 00:08:10.248 Apparently, I'm very entertaining if you're high. 169 00:08:10.282 --> 00:08:13.216 There's a lot of color and movement that goes on here. 170 00:08:13.251 --> 00:08:15.184 It's like a live cartoon. 171 00:08:16.944 --> 00:08:20.189 So, now's the time to main to that second cookie. 172 00:08:20.223 --> 00:08:22.156 I know you guys. 173 00:08:22.191 --> 00:08:25.677 I've got your number here on Northern coastage. 174 00:08:29.267 --> 00:08:30.268 So, we're gonna have some fun tonight. 175 00:08:30.302 --> 00:08:32.338 It's gonna be a loving experience. 176 00:08:32.373 --> 00:08:35.376 The only stipulation is that we respect 177 00:08:35.411 --> 00:08:38.655 each other's existing belief systems, all right? 178 00:08:38.690 --> 00:08:40.381 I know it's been fucking churchy up here. 179 00:08:40.415 --> 00:08:43.107 But the idea is that we all move towards 180 00:08:43.143 --> 00:08:45.214 a common collective belief. 181 00:08:45.248 --> 00:08:47.941 And to speed that process up a bit, it's best that we have 182 00:08:47.975 --> 00:08:50.253 a prejudice-free dialogue this evening. 183 00:08:50.288 --> 00:08:51.254 Unless you're a Scientologist, 184 00:08:51.289 --> 00:08:52.808 in which case, you can go fuck yourself. 185 00:09:02.403 --> 00:09:07.408 People are very protective of their faith and rightfully so. 186 00:09:08.306 --> 00:09:09.583 Faith is everything. 187 00:09:09.618 --> 00:09:13.311 Faith can provide purpose, comfort, structure and meaning. 188 00:09:13.345 --> 00:09:17.211 Faith can also protect bigots, justify atrocities 189 00:09:17.246 --> 00:09:19.248 and perpetuate discrimination. 190 00:09:19.282 --> 00:09:21.319 But so can the Jackson family apparently. 191 00:09:21.353 --> 00:09:23.183 So, let's concentrate on the positive, shall we? 192 00:09:30.293 --> 00:09:32.468 The point is, the point is, 193 00:09:33.849 --> 00:09:36.403 the point is, you gotta have faith, all right? 194 00:09:36.437 --> 00:09:37.507 You gotta have faith. 195 00:09:38.992 --> 00:09:40.649 You gotta have faith, faith, faith. 196 00:09:41.857 --> 00:09:44.273 You've got to have faith, faith, faith. 197 00:09:44.307 --> 00:09:45.343 Baby. 198 00:09:45.377 --> 00:09:46.551 Any George Michael fans in the house? 199 00:09:48.346 --> 00:09:50.659 Strap in for his piece of information. 200 00:09:50.693 --> 00:09:53.731 I actually own an autograph copy 201 00:09:53.765 --> 00:09:57.389 of George Michael's "Faith" on cassette tape. 202 00:09:59.115 --> 00:10:00.323 How cool is that? 203 00:10:00.358 --> 00:10:01.359 - Pretty cool. 204 00:10:01.393 --> 00:10:03.292 - How obsolete is that? 205 00:10:04.155 --> 00:10:05.190 Can't listen to it. 206 00:10:05.225 --> 00:10:06.778 Just own it. 207 00:10:06.813 --> 00:10:08.124 If I wanna listen to it, 208 00:10:08.159 --> 00:10:10.368 I'm gonna have to go and buy a tape deck. 209 00:10:10.402 --> 00:10:12.439 And then, wind a meter and half of tape 210 00:10:12.473 --> 00:10:15.822 back into the cassette with a pencil like we used to do 211 00:10:15.856 --> 00:10:18.203 when we wanted to listen to Dire Straits 212 00:10:18.238 --> 00:10:20.067 on a road trip with our parents. 213 00:10:21.068 --> 00:10:22.622 With all the windows rolled down 214 00:10:22.656 --> 00:10:23.692 cause that's what we used to do 215 00:10:23.726 --> 00:10:26.453 before air conditioning was invented. 216 00:10:26.487 --> 00:10:28.144 On our way to Sea World 217 00:10:28.179 --> 00:10:29.663 cause that's where we went on holidays 218 00:10:29.698 --> 00:10:32.355 before animal rights were invented. 219 00:10:33.702 --> 00:10:36.946 Eating ice creams on the way cause that's what we used to do 220 00:10:36.981 --> 00:10:39.639 before injecting insulin was invented. 221 00:10:40.881 --> 00:10:43.159 It was a different time back then. 222 00:10:46.818 --> 00:10:51.167 I'm at that age now where I've started using phrases like, 223 00:10:51.202 --> 00:10:52.341 I'm at that age now. 224 00:10:53.549 --> 00:10:57.864 I'm also at that age now where I haven't yet 225 00:10:57.898 --> 00:11:02.523 and I don't believe I ever will resort to vaping 226 00:11:02.558 --> 00:11:04.008 in any shape or form. 227 00:11:05.043 --> 00:11:06.251 I'm never gonna vape. 228 00:11:06.286 --> 00:11:08.046 I'm not gonna become a fucking vaper. 229 00:11:09.220 --> 00:11:11.740 It just feels like a betrayal to all of those 230 00:11:11.774 --> 00:11:16.434 sweet, sweet cigarettes that I smoked throughout my life. 231 00:11:16.468 --> 00:11:20.541 If you used to smoke cigarettes and now you vape, 232 00:11:20.576 --> 00:11:22.923 you're a real piece of shit. 233 00:11:24.545 --> 00:11:26.409 You used to be cool man! 234 00:11:26.444 --> 00:11:29.240 Now you're standing there just on some street corner 235 00:11:29.274 --> 00:11:34.279 fellating a mini exhaust pipe, like Fonzie's shit sibling. 236 00:11:35.211 --> 00:11:36.454 You used to be fucking cool! 237 00:11:37.627 --> 00:11:39.112 I remember the glory days of smoking, 238 00:11:39.146 --> 00:11:41.942 this whole room would've been full of cigarette smoke. 239 00:11:41.977 --> 00:11:43.461 We all would've stunk like shit 240 00:11:43.495 --> 00:11:47.189 but we didn't care cause we were fucking cool. 241 00:11:47.223 --> 00:11:48.604 There would've been ash trays everywhere. 242 00:11:48.638 --> 00:11:50.640 Couldn't move for ash trays. 243 00:11:50.675 --> 00:11:52.746 Now you can't fucking find one anywhere. 244 00:11:52.781 --> 00:11:56.750 Spare a thought for the ash tray manufacturers. 245 00:11:56.785 --> 00:11:58.752 They're all living in their cars now, 246 00:11:58.787 --> 00:12:00.512 thanks to you fucking vapers. 247 00:12:01.997 --> 00:12:03.930 And it's not just the ash tray people, 248 00:12:03.964 --> 00:12:06.415 what about the people that make matches, hmm? 249 00:12:08.106 --> 00:12:10.039 Spare a thought for the companies 250 00:12:10.074 --> 00:12:13.042 that used to print night club logos 251 00:12:13.077 --> 00:12:15.493 onto those little books of matches 252 00:12:15.527 --> 00:12:17.944 so that grizzled old homicide detectives 253 00:12:17.978 --> 00:12:21.119 could fish one out of the pocket of a corpse 254 00:12:21.154 --> 00:12:23.501 and know where to start looking for the killer. 255 00:12:25.123 --> 00:12:28.609 Thousands upon thousands of unsolved homicides 256 00:12:28.644 --> 00:12:30.922 just cause you fuckers wanna vape. 257 00:12:32.613 --> 00:12:33.511 I'm bloody sick of it. 258 00:12:33.545 --> 00:12:35.271 Thank you, solitary clapper. 259 00:12:36.169 --> 00:12:37.480 Just one person. 260 00:12:37.515 --> 00:12:39.551 Yes, I agree but no one else though so I'll shut up. 261 00:12:51.978 --> 00:12:53.048 George Michael, eh? 262 00:12:56.672 --> 00:12:57.777 Where did George go? 263 00:12:59.399 --> 00:13:00.262 Hmm? 264 00:13:00.296 --> 00:13:01.608 - Dead. 265 00:13:01.642 --> 00:13:02.989 - Someone said to the bathroom 266 00:13:04.507 --> 00:13:06.786 and someone followed up very quickly with he's dead. 267 00:13:08.822 --> 00:13:10.513 I'm aware of that but I just want to know like 268 00:13:10.548 --> 00:13:12.377 where did George go? 269 00:13:13.344 --> 00:13:14.655 Where's George? 270 00:13:15.864 --> 00:13:17.831 Hmm? 271 00:13:17.866 --> 00:13:21.041 I mean, statistically speaking around 50% of you believe 272 00:13:21.076 --> 00:13:24.010 that George Michael is currently experiencing 273 00:13:24.044 --> 00:13:26.978 some variety of afterlife. 274 00:13:27.013 --> 00:13:30.533 Depending on your religious flavor of choice, of course. 275 00:13:30.568 --> 00:13:32.673 Some of you believe he's having a lovely time 276 00:13:32.708 --> 00:13:35.642 re-united with his dead relatives. 277 00:13:35.676 --> 00:13:38.300 Some of you believe he's awaiting resurrection 278 00:13:38.334 --> 00:13:40.543 to face his final judgment. 279 00:13:40.578 --> 00:13:41.855 And some of you believe 280 00:13:41.890 --> 00:13:44.582 that George Michael's extra-curricular activities 281 00:13:44.616 --> 00:13:46.584 such as touching other men's penises 282 00:13:46.618 --> 00:13:48.551 with his own penis for example, 283 00:13:48.586 --> 00:13:50.174 will have earn him an eternity 284 00:13:50.208 --> 00:13:53.108 as a rotisserie chicken in the kebab shop of damnation. 285 00:13:55.696 --> 00:13:57.319 Around 7% of you believe 286 00:13:57.353 --> 00:14:01.081 that George Michael is currently making a comeback. 287 00:14:01.116 --> 00:14:03.704 Possibly as a platypus. 288 00:14:03.739 --> 00:14:06.086 Depends on his deeds, really. 289 00:14:06.121 --> 00:14:08.848 And the remaining 43% of you either believe 290 00:14:08.882 --> 00:14:11.505 that George Michael is slowly fertilizing 291 00:14:11.540 --> 00:14:14.198 the soil in Highgate cemetery 292 00:14:14.232 --> 00:14:17.166 or you don't really give a shit either way 293 00:14:17.201 --> 00:14:21.895 or you didn't fill out your 2016 census form. 294 00:14:24.553 --> 00:14:26.693 Who didn't fill out their 2016 census form? 295 00:14:26.727 --> 00:14:27.728 Come on. 296 00:14:27.763 --> 00:14:28.591 Yes, only few. 297 00:14:30.593 --> 00:14:32.216 I didn't, fucking woo! 298 00:14:34.770 --> 00:14:37.393 Wendy, did you fill out your 2016 census form? 299 00:14:37.428 --> 00:14:38.187 - I did, indeed. 300 00:14:38.222 --> 00:14:39.637 - Oh, you did? Woo! 301 00:14:42.053 --> 00:14:44.642 Hey Wendy, what did you tick, 302 00:14:44.676 --> 00:14:46.471 if you remember, it was a couple of years ago, 303 00:14:46.506 --> 00:14:49.543 but what did you tick for faith or religious beliefs? 304 00:14:49.578 --> 00:14:52.236 Just bearing in mind this is a judgment-free environment 305 00:14:52.270 --> 00:14:54.410 and everybody else in the room has shared something 306 00:14:54.445 --> 00:14:56.757 intimately personal about themselves, now it's your turn. 307 00:14:56.792 --> 00:14:58.898 Wendy. 308 00:14:58.932 --> 00:15:00.037 - It's a trap. 309 00:15:00.071 --> 00:15:00.796 - What's that mate? 310 00:15:00.830 --> 00:15:01.590 - It's a trap. 311 00:15:01.624 --> 00:15:02.832 - It's a trap! 312 00:15:02.867 --> 00:15:05.283 No, there's no traps here, my friend. 313 00:15:05.318 --> 00:15:07.803 It's just fun times, what's your name, weapon? 314 00:15:11.807 --> 00:15:12.566 - Greg. 315 00:15:12.601 --> 00:15:13.671 - Greg? 316 00:15:13.705 --> 00:15:14.499 Gregory? 317 00:15:15.673 --> 00:15:16.605 We're gonna come back to you, Wendy. 318 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:18.676 We just need to address Greg for a moment. 319 00:15:20.126 --> 00:15:25.131 - Greg, did you fill out your 2016 census form, Gregory? 320 00:15:25.648 --> 00:15:26.442 - Too late. 321 00:15:26.477 --> 00:15:27.236 - Too late? 322 00:15:27.271 --> 00:15:28.548 What do you mean, mate? 323 00:15:31.171 --> 00:15:32.276 What happened? 324 00:15:32.310 --> 00:15:33.242 - I missed it. 325 00:15:33.277 --> 00:15:35.003 - You missed the 2016 census? 326 00:15:35.037 --> 00:15:36.280 Where were you, mate? 327 00:15:36.314 --> 00:15:37.937 Just punching a fucking cone somewhere. 328 00:15:41.837 --> 00:15:43.149 What happened, Greg? 329 00:15:43.183 --> 00:15:44.460 Were you over the seas? 330 00:15:44.495 --> 00:15:46.290 Where were you, man? 331 00:15:46.324 --> 00:15:47.084 Just in mullin'? 332 00:15:47.118 --> 00:15:48.395 Just fuckin', a cig. 333 00:15:49.845 --> 00:15:51.951 Just off the grid, mate. 334 00:15:55.333 --> 00:15:56.645 No, Greg? 335 00:15:56.679 --> 00:15:58.612 What would you have ticked for faith or religious belief 336 00:15:58.647 --> 00:15:59.786 if you have filled it out? 337 00:15:59.820 --> 00:16:00.890 Do you have a faith system? 338 00:16:00.925 --> 00:16:01.857 - I'm a Jedi. 339 00:16:01.891 --> 00:16:03.134 - Oh, you're a Jedi. 340 00:16:03.169 --> 00:16:05.550 That's an option on the census these days. 341 00:16:05.585 --> 00:16:07.138 Do you have a practicing faith 342 00:16:07.173 --> 00:16:08.760 that goes along with your Jedism? 343 00:16:09.934 --> 00:16:11.487 - Only on Tuesdays. 344 00:16:11.522 --> 00:16:13.524 - Do you just, just using the force on Tuesdays? 345 00:16:14.732 --> 00:16:17.493 The rest of the time you're just fucking [noises] 346 00:16:20.669 --> 00:16:22.015 Just imagining you just going like this 347 00:16:22.050 --> 00:16:24.707 and the bong floating across the room into your hand. 348 00:16:28.366 --> 00:16:30.713 I can't see Greg but I'm making some assumptions 349 00:16:30.748 --> 00:16:32.577 about your character. 350 00:16:32.612 --> 00:16:34.683 I hope I'm in the ball park. 351 00:16:34.717 --> 00:16:36.340 In case the cameras pick you up, 352 00:16:36.374 --> 00:16:37.237 you're probably just sitting there 353 00:16:37.272 --> 00:16:38.514 in a business suit going, 354 00:16:38.549 --> 00:16:41.138 I've never tried drugs in my entire life. 355 00:16:41.172 --> 00:16:43.588 I'm merely on my way from Sydney to Brisbane 356 00:16:43.623 --> 00:16:44.624 for a business trip. 357 00:16:45.763 --> 00:16:47.351 I am insulted. 358 00:16:47.385 --> 00:16:48.662 Is that right, Greg? 359 00:16:48.697 --> 00:16:50.906 Or are you just fucking punching cones like a weapon? 360 00:16:55.359 --> 00:16:56.360 - Don't judge me. 361 00:16:56.394 --> 00:16:57.395 - I'm not mate. 362 00:16:57.430 --> 00:16:58.741 But given the amount of time you took to answer that 363 00:16:58.776 --> 00:17:00.088 I'm gonna say it was the latter. 364 00:17:01.917 --> 00:17:03.229 Now, Wendy. 365 00:17:03.263 --> 00:17:05.540 Yeah! 366 00:17:05.576 --> 00:17:06.369 Gregory! 367 00:17:09.234 --> 00:17:11.064 Wendy, what did you tick for faith? 368 00:17:11.098 --> 00:17:13.272 You've had plenty of time to think about it now. 369 00:17:13.308 --> 00:17:16.759 Did you tick anything for faith or religious belief? 370 00:17:16.794 --> 00:17:18.106 - Yeah, I'm an atheist, mate. 371 00:17:18.140 --> 00:17:18.934 - You're an atheist? 372 00:17:18.968 --> 00:17:19.762 - Yeah. 373 00:17:21.143 --> 00:17:24.250 Oh, we've got some atheist fans in the house. 374 00:17:24.284 --> 00:17:26.147 Yeah, you just die! 375 00:17:28.737 --> 00:17:31.084 Just blackness and abyss! 376 00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:33.949 Never been here before, never coming back! 377 00:17:35.123 --> 00:17:38.091 So, where do you think George Michael went? 378 00:17:38.126 --> 00:17:39.092 - In the ground, I believe. 379 00:17:39.127 --> 00:17:39.920 - Just in the ground? 380 00:17:39.955 --> 00:17:41.405 Yeah, nice one. 381 00:17:41.439 --> 00:17:42.889 Personally, Wendy, I believe that George Michael 382 00:17:42.923 --> 00:17:44.615 was abducted by aliens. 383 00:17:45.857 --> 00:17:47.376 They were very active in 2016, 384 00:17:47.411 --> 00:17:48.895 the year that George Michael died. 385 00:17:48.929 --> 00:17:50.828 Those musician abducting aliens. 386 00:17:50.862 --> 00:17:53.658 Fuck, they got some rippers that year! 387 00:17:54.797 --> 00:17:55.764 George Michael. 388 00:17:55.798 --> 00:17:57.076 David Bowie. 389 00:17:57.110 --> 00:17:58.318 Prince. 390 00:17:58.353 --> 00:17:59.733 Sharon Jones. 391 00:17:59.768 --> 00:18:00.941 Merle Haggard. 392 00:18:00.976 --> 00:18:02.943 Fucking Leonard Cohen! 393 00:18:02.978 --> 00:18:04.221 There must have been some sort of 394 00:18:04.255 --> 00:18:07.638 alien university o-week challenge. 395 00:18:07.672 --> 00:18:09.088 Scull a pint of hydrogen 396 00:18:09.122 --> 00:18:11.883 and bring back a popular musician from planet Earth. 397 00:18:31.869 --> 00:18:36.874 So, this book here, my friends, is the Book of Randicus. 398 00:18:37.185 --> 00:18:38.462 Okay? 399 00:18:38.496 --> 00:18:40.257 What the fuck is the Book of Randicus? 400 00:18:40.291 --> 00:18:41.637 Great question, Wendy. 401 00:18:41.672 --> 00:18:42.466 Thank you for that question. 402 00:18:45.193 --> 00:18:46.884 Always asking questions. 403 00:18:48.851 --> 00:18:50.681 Thanks for bringing your own microphone too, Wendy. 404 00:18:50.715 --> 00:18:54.029 That was excellent forward planning on your part. 405 00:18:56.031 --> 00:18:57.481 In case you haven't noticed, 406 00:18:57.515 --> 00:18:59.862 just to bring you all up to speed. 407 00:18:59.897 --> 00:19:02.727 I have invented a new religion, okay? 408 00:19:02.762 --> 00:19:04.004 Pretty straight forward. 409 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:06.006 Keep up, it's not Frasier. 410 00:19:06.041 --> 00:19:06.904 But this- 411 00:19:07.732 --> 00:19:09.078 One Frasier fan. 412 00:19:09.113 --> 00:19:14.049 This religion is based on the philosophy that homo sapiens 413 00:19:15.257 --> 00:19:18.329 were elevated to the top of the food chain 70,000 years ago 414 00:19:18.364 --> 00:19:22.885 via the intervention of an intergalactic messiah 415 00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:24.232 named Barrel. 416 00:19:25.854 --> 00:19:28.719 Because fucking, why not? 417 00:19:30.341 --> 00:19:32.343 Now, I have called it a religion 418 00:19:32.378 --> 00:19:33.931 because it seems like the most effective 419 00:19:33.965 --> 00:19:35.243 method of recruitment. 420 00:19:35.277 --> 00:19:40.075 But the teachings are grounded in scientific fact, okay? 421 00:19:41.352 --> 00:19:44.079 For example, we know that at least 10 different species 422 00:19:44.113 --> 00:19:48.048 of human lived on planet earth, many of them simultaneously. 423 00:19:48.083 --> 00:19:51.051 That much at least we know to be true. 424 00:19:51.086 --> 00:19:54.572 We also know that 70,000 years ago, 425 00:19:54.607 --> 00:19:58.956 homo sapiens shot inexplicably to the top of the food chain 426 00:19:58.990 --> 00:20:01.234 and they have remained there ever since. 427 00:20:01.269 --> 00:20:03.685 There's varying theories as to how that happened. 428 00:20:03.719 --> 00:20:06.860 My theory and this is where the religion part kicks in, 429 00:20:06.895 --> 00:20:11.037 is that Barrel was an intergalactic missionary, 430 00:20:11.071 --> 00:20:13.281 traveling from planet to planet, 431 00:20:13.315 --> 00:20:16.249 choosing one species from each planet, 432 00:20:16.284 --> 00:20:18.217 kick starting their intelligence, 433 00:20:18.251 --> 00:20:21.392 leaving them to evolve for several thousand years 434 00:20:21.427 --> 00:20:24.119 then later returning to those planets 435 00:20:24.153 --> 00:20:27.743 and recruiting these newly evolved species 436 00:20:27.778 --> 00:20:32.748 to help care for and maintain the multiverse. 437 00:20:32.783 --> 00:20:34.025 Simple as that. 438 00:20:34.923 --> 00:20:37.408 The Book of Randicus teaches us 439 00:20:37.443 --> 00:20:41.792 that Barrel came to planet Earth, chose homo sapiens 440 00:20:41.826 --> 00:20:44.967 and gave us 70,000 years to evolve. 441 00:20:45.002 --> 00:20:48.247 Which means, she could be back here any day now 442 00:20:48.281 --> 00:20:51.802 so we need to crack the fuck on with becoming enlightened. 443 00:20:52.665 --> 00:20:54.149 Any questions? 444 00:20:54.183 --> 00:20:54.943 - [Crowd] No. 445 00:20:54.977 --> 00:20:55.909 - Wendy? 446 00:20:55.944 --> 00:20:56.979 - None whatsoever. 447 00:20:57.014 --> 00:20:58.498 - Excellent. 448 00:20:58.533 --> 00:21:00.604 - We are ready to crack on. 449 00:21:02.951 --> 00:21:03.917 - Yeah, no. 450 00:21:03.952 --> 00:21:05.264 Yep, that's great. 451 00:21:08.163 --> 00:21:10.303 Smattering of applause. 452 00:21:10.338 --> 00:21:13.306 I am sensing a little bit of cynicism. 453 00:21:13.341 --> 00:21:16.067 Particularly from the Greg region of the audience. 454 00:21:22.695 --> 00:21:26.043 Just so you know, I've been doing a bit of a missionary tour 455 00:21:26.077 --> 00:21:28.804 around the country to promote this concept. 456 00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:30.289 And you might be surprised to learn 457 00:21:30.323 --> 00:21:33.188 that a lot of people are getting on board with this shit. 458 00:21:40.747 --> 00:21:43.474 I've been on the road for about a year now. 459 00:21:43.509 --> 00:21:45.165 I've met some wonderful people. 460 00:21:47.375 --> 00:21:50.170 I've also mastered the art of making porridge 461 00:21:50.205 --> 00:21:53.070 in a motel room kettle. 462 00:21:53.104 --> 00:21:55.037 And I tell you, there's nothing more inspiring 463 00:21:55.072 --> 00:21:58.627 than looking across a carpark to a busy freeway 464 00:21:58.662 --> 00:22:01.665 whilst scrapping glutinous oats off the bottom 465 00:22:01.699 --> 00:22:05.945 of a calcified electrical appliance from the mid 1970s. 466 00:22:11.951 --> 00:22:15.299 It goes well with a side of suicide contemplation I've found 467 00:22:19.234 --> 00:22:22.168 I do like a road side motel, though. 468 00:22:22.202 --> 00:22:25.344 Particularly, when traveling in remote areas. 469 00:22:25.378 --> 00:22:27.104 Airbnbs in the middle of nowhere 470 00:22:27.138 --> 00:22:29.934 can be a little bit fucking terrifying, can't they? 471 00:22:31.695 --> 00:22:35.388 I thought you said that this was an adjoining dwelling. 472 00:22:35.423 --> 00:22:37.908 Well, the beds are adjoining. 473 00:22:40.393 --> 00:22:41.360 True story! 474 00:22:43.431 --> 00:22:48.159 Regional South Australia is a chilling part of the country. 475 00:22:49.229 --> 00:22:50.127 I love being on the road. 476 00:22:50.161 --> 00:22:51.749 I'm a big fan of it. 477 00:22:51.784 --> 00:22:54.131 I have a lot of fun and there's not many downsides. 478 00:22:54.165 --> 00:22:57.065 But there is one thing about constantly traveling 479 00:22:57.099 --> 00:22:59.895 and staying in different places, one thing that I'm sick of. 480 00:22:59.930 --> 00:23:03.105 Do you know what I'm fucking sick of, Brunswick Heads? 481 00:23:03.140 --> 00:23:03.899 - What are you sick of? 482 00:23:03.934 --> 00:23:05.176 - Thank you very much. 483 00:23:06.143 --> 00:23:08.145 Call and response. 484 00:23:08.179 --> 00:23:09.974 I am fucking sick of, 485 00:23:11.148 --> 00:23:13.599 writing my experience. 486 00:23:16.118 --> 00:23:17.637 Fuck that. 487 00:23:17.672 --> 00:23:20.606 Why can't I just stay somewhere or eat something 488 00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:24.403 or travel somewhere, without immediately having to fill out 489 00:23:24.437 --> 00:23:28.476 some customer survey to reassure the business 490 00:23:28.510 --> 00:23:31.720 I've just interacted with like I'm trying to dig 491 00:23:31.755 --> 00:23:36.104 a co-dependent lover out of the post-coital shame spiral. 492 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:38.831 Did you have a nice time? 493 00:23:38.865 --> 00:23:39.832 How was it for you? 494 00:23:39.866 --> 00:23:41.834 What could we do better? 495 00:23:41.868 --> 00:23:43.491 What's wrong with us? 496 00:23:43.525 --> 00:23:45.216 What's wrong with us? 497 00:23:47.874 --> 00:23:48.634 Fuck that! 498 00:23:48.668 --> 00:23:51.878 Yeah! 499 00:23:53.121 --> 00:23:57.988 I mean look, by all means, provide an avenue for complaint. 500 00:23:58.851 --> 00:24:00.197 Like if I'm unhappy, 501 00:24:00.231 --> 00:24:02.510 I'll be the first to write a strongly worded email 502 00:24:02.544 --> 00:24:07.376 or perhaps slip a crude drawing into a suggestion box. 503 00:24:08.343 --> 00:24:10.345 But if you don't hear from me, 504 00:24:10.379 --> 00:24:13.141 just assume everything was fine. 505 00:24:13.175 --> 00:24:15.661 Our transaction is complete. 506 00:24:15.695 --> 00:24:17.870 Fucking back yourself. 507 00:24:18.698 --> 00:24:19.975 It's everywhere now. 508 00:24:20.010 --> 00:24:22.288 There's touch screens now at the airports. 509 00:24:22.322 --> 00:24:25.325 They feature like a spectrum of emojis. 510 00:24:25.360 --> 00:24:30.365 So, you press the face that's closest to your own face 511 00:24:31.849 --> 00:24:35.888 having just experienced whatever your face just experienced. 512 00:24:37.027 --> 00:24:37.890 They have them outside the toilets 513 00:24:37.924 --> 00:24:39.857 at the international airports. 514 00:24:39.892 --> 00:24:40.686 Touch screens. 515 00:24:41.687 --> 00:24:43.033 Outside the toilets! 516 00:24:45.173 --> 00:24:46.899 Now, just for the moment let's ignore the fact that 517 00:24:46.933 --> 00:24:48.901 that touch screen is a giant Petri dish 518 00:24:48.935 --> 00:24:51.593 for literally thousands of stool samples. 519 00:24:52.870 --> 00:24:55.183 I still resent having to write my experience 520 00:24:55.217 --> 00:24:57.357 of going to the fucking toilet. 521 00:24:57.392 --> 00:24:59.981 Oh, gosh, okay, I've gotta do this scre- 522 00:25:00.015 --> 00:25:01.500 No, guys, I'll catch up! 523 00:25:01.534 --> 00:25:03.329 Yeah, no, I'll get the next flight. 524 00:25:03.363 --> 00:25:05.124 I'll just have to do this screen. 525 00:25:06.194 --> 00:25:07.506 Okay, here we go. 526 00:25:07.540 --> 00:25:09.369 Okay, golly gosh. 527 00:25:09.404 --> 00:25:13.166 All right, which face most accurately depicts 528 00:25:13.201 --> 00:25:17.861 my emotional state having just taken a shit at the airport? 529 00:25:19.414 --> 00:25:20.691 Oh, this is tough. 530 00:25:20.726 --> 00:25:24.177 I can't choose between tragically desperate 531 00:25:24.212 --> 00:25:27.249 or shamefully humiliated. 532 00:25:27.284 --> 00:25:30.770 Oh, bugger it, I'll just go with, I didn't wash my hands! 533 00:25:33.739 --> 00:25:35.568 I can't tell if you guys are on board with this or not 534 00:25:35.603 --> 00:25:36.914 just by round of applause, 535 00:25:36.949 --> 00:25:38.226 who here is sick of doing surveys? 536 00:25:38.260 --> 00:25:39.296 Who's with me? 537 00:25:44.266 --> 00:25:46.441 That was a survey, you fucking idiots! 538 00:25:47.787 --> 00:25:49.375 I just surveyed the room. 539 00:25:49.409 --> 00:25:51.066 You're like, yeah, we hate surveys. 540 00:25:52.620 --> 00:25:54.380 That's how they get you. 541 00:25:54.414 --> 00:25:56.900 Stay on your toes, Brunswick Heads. 542 00:25:57.935 --> 00:26:01.318 Stay for joint. 543 00:26:03.631 --> 00:26:04.735 What was your name, man, sorry? 544 00:26:04.770 --> 00:26:06.047 - I'm John. 545 00:26:06.081 --> 00:26:07.324 - Why don't we do a little photo together? 546 00:26:07.358 --> 00:26:08.877 - That would be so good. 547 00:26:08.912 --> 00:26:09.671 - Let's do that. 548 00:26:12.847 --> 00:26:15.332 - Me and John at the petrol station. 549 00:26:18.162 --> 00:26:19.370 - Good on you, John. 550 00:26:21.476 --> 00:26:24.341 - My wife and my little boy are gonna love this. 551 00:26:24.375 --> 00:26:25.307 He's six. 552 00:26:25.342 --> 00:26:26.481 - Oh, grouse. 553 00:26:28.034 --> 00:26:32.280 - And we loved your show, was it something on Elm Street or? 554 00:26:32.314 --> 00:26:34.075 - Which one, oh, the Ricketts Lane? 555 00:26:34.109 --> 00:26:35.904 - Ricketts Lane, yeah. - Oh, grouse. 556 00:26:35.939 --> 00:26:37.837 - Oh, good on you, John. - Ricketts Lane. 557 00:26:37.872 --> 00:26:39.011 We love Ricketts Lane. - That's awesome. 558 00:26:39.045 --> 00:26:40.737 Oh, well, so do we. 559 00:26:40.771 --> 00:26:41.738 Well, bloody nice to meet you. 560 00:26:41.772 --> 00:26:42.739 - Oh, you too, man. 561 00:26:42.773 --> 00:26:44.016 - What an absolute delight? 562 00:26:44.050 --> 00:26:46.535 - Are you still doing things with Sammy J? 563 00:26:46.570 --> 00:26:48.089 - Yeah, we're still doing lots of stuff. 564 00:26:48.123 --> 00:26:49.642 We're working on a new show - Oh, cool. 565 00:26:49.677 --> 00:26:52.921 - But I'm off overseas next, in a couple of weeks. 566 00:26:52.956 --> 00:26:55.372 But yeah, we're still doing stuff. 567 00:26:55.406 --> 00:26:56.684 Bring it in, yes. 568 00:26:58.202 --> 00:27:00.273 - Oh, Randy, it's been so nice to meet you. 569 00:27:00.308 --> 00:27:01.516 - Mate, it's been an absolute delight. 570 00:27:01.550 --> 00:27:03.518 Thanks very much for saying good day. 571 00:27:10.801 --> 00:27:12.561 I would now like to take a reading 572 00:27:12.596 --> 00:27:15.185 from the Book of Randicus. 573 00:27:15.219 --> 00:27:18.498 Chapter seven verse 69. 574 00:27:20.224 --> 00:27:21.018 Oh, grow up. 575 00:27:22.433 --> 00:27:24.470 It just happens to be verse 69. 576 00:27:24.504 --> 00:27:25.782 It's pure coincidence. 577 00:27:25.816 --> 00:27:27.507 It's a good verse, all right? 578 00:27:27.542 --> 00:27:30.200 It could've been any verse. 579 00:27:30.234 --> 00:27:31.926 We're all adults here. 580 00:27:33.375 --> 00:27:34.273 Disgusting. 581 00:27:43.385 --> 00:27:45.629 69 is pretty funny though isn't it? 582 00:27:46.872 --> 00:27:49.495 Totally impractical on an evolutionary level 583 00:27:49.529 --> 00:27:53.326 but just fucking classic comedy in the bedroom. 584 00:27:53.361 --> 00:27:54.534 Dinner for two, whoa! 585 00:28:02.128 --> 00:28:04.752 I always think of Pompeii when I'm in that position. 586 00:28:09.377 --> 00:28:11.620 You know like when Pompeii volcano erupted 587 00:28:11.655 --> 00:28:13.553 and everybody just go frozen in the positions 588 00:28:13.588 --> 00:28:15.383 they were in at the time? 589 00:28:15.417 --> 00:28:17.385 I'm always worried I'm gonna be in 69 position, 590 00:28:17.419 --> 00:28:19.421 there's gonna be a volcanic eruption 591 00:28:19.456 --> 00:28:21.734 and I'm gonna get frozen and 2,000 years from now, 592 00:28:21.769 --> 00:28:25.531 school children will be giggling at my undignified demise 593 00:28:25.565 --> 00:28:27.464 in their holographic history books. 594 00:28:27.498 --> 00:28:30.087 Like, oh no, how humiliating? 595 00:28:37.232 --> 00:28:40.373 It's always a bit conflicting the 69 position, isn't it? 596 00:28:40.408 --> 00:28:43.549 It's like doing your tax on a carnival ride. 597 00:28:43.583 --> 00:28:45.447 You don't know whether to focus 598 00:28:45.482 --> 00:28:47.518 or just kick back and enjoy the view. 599 00:28:48.657 --> 00:28:49.969 There's a lot going on. 600 00:28:50.004 --> 00:28:51.764 Genitals in your face. 601 00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:53.421 Face in your genitals. 602 00:28:54.974 --> 00:28:56.562 It's always a bit frantic. 603 00:28:56.596 --> 00:28:59.461 I've not have many relaxing 69s, is what I'm trying to say. 604 00:29:00.808 --> 00:29:03.017 You know, shut up Greg, I'm trying to do a reading here. 605 00:29:18.549 --> 00:29:23.554 Oh fuck, hang on, I'm on the wrong page. 606 00:29:43.298 --> 00:29:44.506 - Want a man? 607 00:29:44.541 --> 00:29:46.129 - Don't fucking patronize me. 608 00:30:08.151 --> 00:30:09.911 All right, here we go. 609 00:30:11.844 --> 00:30:13.984 Oh, I was on the right page. 610 00:30:15.572 --> 00:30:16.607 And lo, 611 00:30:17.608 --> 00:30:20.680 Barrel held aloft her hand 612 00:30:20.715 --> 00:30:23.891 and spake she in a voice that rippled 613 00:30:23.925 --> 00:30:26.652 through the tall grasslands. 614 00:30:26.686 --> 00:30:30.587 Like the uninvited breath of the stranger's hound 615 00:30:30.621 --> 00:30:34.936 on the exposed leg beneath the outdoor cafe table. 616 00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:40.597 Consider your fingertip, spake Barrel 617 00:30:40.631 --> 00:30:41.391 and onward she spake. 618 00:30:42.944 --> 00:30:44.739 Your fingertip, 619 00:30:44.773 --> 00:30:48.674 your fingertip is currently harboring 620 00:30:48.708 --> 00:30:52.747 tens of millions of living organisms. 621 00:30:52.781 --> 00:30:54.680 Just the tip of your finger. 622 00:30:54.714 --> 00:30:56.371 Consider that for a moment. 623 00:30:56.406 --> 00:30:59.616 Now consider, that your entire body is home 624 00:30:59.650 --> 00:31:04.552 to 100 trillion non-human cells. 625 00:31:05.794 --> 00:31:09.660 Each of you carry around 4.4 million non-human genes. 626 00:31:11.145 --> 00:31:15.943 90% of who you are is not actually, who you are. 627 00:31:17.496 --> 00:31:21.051 Her words rang out across the valley. 628 00:31:21.086 --> 00:31:24.468 Microbes, my brothers and sisters. 629 00:31:24.503 --> 00:31:26.401 I'mma talking about microbes. 630 00:31:27.955 --> 00:31:31.579 Now, consider your fingertip is planet Earth 631 00:31:31.613 --> 00:31:36.204 and the rest of your body is the surrounding universe, 632 00:31:36.239 --> 00:31:40.208 allowing for the limitless possibilities that that presents, 633 00:31:40.243 --> 00:31:43.280 given the choice, would you doom your species 634 00:31:43.315 --> 00:31:46.939 to evolutionary stagnation on the tip of a finger? 635 00:31:46.974 --> 00:31:50.943 Or would you prefer to see some really fucking cool shit? 636 00:31:53.187 --> 00:31:54.567 - Cool shit. 637 00:31:54.602 --> 00:31:55.603 - Cool shit? 638 00:31:55.637 --> 00:31:56.707 Fair enough. 639 00:31:59.089 --> 00:32:00.366 I had a 640 00:32:03.818 --> 00:32:06.648 a really, a really fucked up thing, 641 00:32:06.683 --> 00:32:08.167 stay with me, stay with me. 642 00:32:09.617 --> 00:32:11.308 A really fucked up thing happened to me 643 00:32:11.343 --> 00:32:12.965 on this missionary tour. 644 00:32:14.208 --> 00:32:16.658 I had a near death experience. 645 00:32:16.693 --> 00:32:19.661 Recently, actually, quite recently, I genuinely nearly died. 646 00:32:19.696 --> 00:32:22.664 And what happened was, I nearly died from food poisoning. 647 00:32:22.699 --> 00:32:25.253 Which is a bullshit way to die. 648 00:32:25.288 --> 00:32:27.290 What are people gonna say about me when I'm gone. 649 00:32:27.324 --> 00:32:31.639 Ah, well he always did make poor menu choices. 650 00:32:33.054 --> 00:32:35.988 What happened to me was I ate something funky 651 00:32:36.023 --> 00:32:40.717 in that giant food court at that massive shopping mall 652 00:32:40.751 --> 00:32:42.822 where all the obnoxious bogans go 653 00:32:42.857 --> 00:32:44.997 and they're really rude to the staff. 654 00:32:45.032 --> 00:32:46.723 You know, the big fucking mall, what's it called? 655 00:32:46.757 --> 00:32:47.966 The really big one? 656 00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:49.312 - Westfield. - No, not Westfield. 657 00:32:49.346 --> 00:32:50.658 The other one, what's it called? 658 00:32:50.692 --> 00:32:52.867 The massive, people are asshole, you know? 659 00:32:52.901 --> 00:32:54.455 No, not that one, fuck what's it called? 660 00:32:54.489 --> 00:32:55.318 Bali! 661 00:32:55.352 --> 00:32:56.077 It's called Bali. 662 00:32:58.666 --> 00:33:02.566 So, I was in - I ate something in Bali, right? 663 00:33:05.190 --> 00:33:08.745 It disagreed with me to the point that I got salmonella. 664 00:33:08.779 --> 00:33:12.542 And it was so serious that I got an abscess on my spleen 665 00:33:12.576 --> 00:33:15.752 and had to have my fucking spleen removed. 666 00:33:15.786 --> 00:33:16.684 I know. 667 00:33:18.203 --> 00:33:19.652 If you don't know what the spleen does, by the way, 668 00:33:19.687 --> 00:33:22.034 it filters your blood and it helps in the fight 669 00:33:22.069 --> 00:33:24.140 against nasty bacteria. 670 00:33:24.174 --> 00:33:26.176 It's kinda like the organ equivalent 671 00:33:26.211 --> 00:33:28.523 of a night club bouncer. 672 00:33:28.558 --> 00:33:31.733 You don't really need it and no one really likes it, 673 00:33:31.768 --> 00:33:33.356 but if it's not there, 674 00:33:33.390 --> 00:33:36.945 someone's gonna get their dick out on the dance floor. 675 00:33:38.464 --> 00:33:41.191 I was in hospital for about six weeks, just laying there. 676 00:33:41.226 --> 00:33:42.503 Six weeks. 677 00:33:42.537 --> 00:33:45.402 Just contemplating my own mortality 678 00:33:45.437 --> 00:33:49.924 when a single thought struck me with absolute clarity. 679 00:33:51.201 --> 00:33:55.895 I'm just a temporary microbe made up of other microbes 680 00:33:56.827 --> 00:33:58.726 on a planet of microbes 681 00:33:58.760 --> 00:34:03.455 in an ever expanding universe of microbes. 682 00:34:03.489 --> 00:34:06.078 Suddenly, I was an empty shell. 683 00:34:06.113 --> 00:34:08.735 Open to limitless possibilities. 684 00:34:08.770 --> 00:34:12.291 All I needed was a sign. 685 00:34:12.326 --> 00:34:13.913 And that's when the old man 686 00:34:13.947 --> 00:34:17.607 in the bed next to mine, turn to me 687 00:34:17.641 --> 00:34:18.435 and died. 688 00:34:21.404 --> 00:34:23.751 And while riffling through his possessions, 689 00:34:25.925 --> 00:34:29.308 I found a book of daily Buddhist meditations. 690 00:34:29.342 --> 00:34:31.897 And I turn to that day's date and it said, 691 00:34:31.931 --> 00:34:33.967 each morning we are born again. 692 00:34:34.002 --> 00:34:36.487 And I looked at him and said, not today grandpa. 693 00:34:38.317 --> 00:34:39.422 Not today. 694 00:34:41.251 --> 00:34:43.632 But it planted a seed, right? 695 00:34:43.667 --> 00:34:45.290 And I was already kinda into Buddhism 696 00:34:45.324 --> 00:34:47.809 but this led me to get deeper and deeper into Buddhism. 697 00:34:47.844 --> 00:34:49.431 I had dabbled, previously. 698 00:34:49.466 --> 00:34:51.158 I've spoken about it onstage before. 699 00:34:51.192 --> 00:34:53.021 But after this, I became quite devout. 700 00:34:53.056 --> 00:34:55.783 I had a meditation practice everyday, 701 00:34:55.817 --> 00:34:58.958 a daily gratitude practice. 702 00:34:58.993 --> 00:35:02.824 I went to Myanmar and slaughtered thousands of Muslims. 703 00:35:02.859 --> 00:35:05.103 Yeah, I'm just trying to be a good Buddhist. 704 00:35:06.828 --> 00:35:08.451 They lost a few karmic points 705 00:35:08.485 --> 00:35:10.522 when they started dabbling in genocide, didn't they? 706 00:35:10.556 --> 00:35:13.111 But I did - I did genuinely, 707 00:35:13.145 --> 00:35:16.355 I did go and stay in a Buddhist temple up in Japan. 708 00:35:16.390 --> 00:35:19.427 Up in the mountains of Koyasan for a couple of weeks. 709 00:35:19.462 --> 00:35:22.603 And I got up every morning at like 5:00 A.M. 710 00:35:22.637 --> 00:35:24.846 And I prayed with the monks. 711 00:35:24.881 --> 00:35:26.779 And then, I go back to my little room 712 00:35:26.814 --> 00:35:30.128 with its tatami mats and it's simple, 713 00:35:30.162 --> 00:35:32.509 spiritually mindful design 714 00:35:32.544 --> 00:35:34.925 and I would masturbate to internet pornography. 715 00:35:37.825 --> 00:35:42.174 And I thought, this experience may be lost on me. 716 00:35:42.209 --> 00:35:43.002 This, this 717 00:35:44.763 --> 00:35:46.696 This is not connection. 718 00:35:46.730 --> 00:35:49.043 This is total isolation. 719 00:35:49.077 --> 00:35:49.975 What am I doing? 720 00:35:50.009 --> 00:35:53.565 What the fuck am I doing? 721 00:35:54.773 --> 00:35:55.739 What is this? 722 00:35:55.774 --> 00:35:57.534 I mean, what are we as a species? 723 00:35:57.569 --> 00:35:59.916 I mean, when did we lose faith in ourselves 724 00:35:59.950 --> 00:36:02.194 and decided that it was more fun to own everything 725 00:36:02.229 --> 00:36:03.230 than take care of it? 726 00:36:03.264 --> 00:36:04.507 Let's face it. 727 00:36:04.541 --> 00:36:05.922 Humans were never meant to be dominant. 728 00:36:05.956 --> 00:36:07.544 It doesn't make sense. 729 00:36:07.579 --> 00:36:09.753 We don't know how to behave at the top of the food chain. 730 00:36:09.788 --> 00:36:11.065 We didn't earn it. 731 00:36:11.099 --> 00:36:14.931 You think lions and crocodiles have existential crises? 732 00:36:14.965 --> 00:36:17.485 No, they just move quick, get strong, eat shit. 733 00:36:17.520 --> 00:36:21.869 They don't have time to jerk off in a temple, right? 734 00:36:24.734 --> 00:36:27.909 And before you say, I'm more disciplined than you, Randy. 735 00:36:27.944 --> 00:36:29.014 I'm not like that. 736 00:36:29.048 --> 00:36:30.912 Bullshit! 737 00:36:30.947 --> 00:36:33.984 You all wank in your own temples. 738 00:36:34.951 --> 00:36:36.849 Humans evolve to be in the middle. 739 00:36:36.884 --> 00:36:39.266 That's why we're so bad at running things. 740 00:36:39.300 --> 00:36:41.371 We've got 2 million years of chemical evolution 741 00:36:41.406 --> 00:36:44.719 telling us to run away from everything or stab it to death 742 00:36:44.754 --> 00:36:46.065 or fuck it in ear. 743 00:36:47.377 --> 00:36:49.966 Barrel gave us the opportunity for enlightenment 744 00:36:50.000 --> 00:36:51.726 and we fucking wasted it. 745 00:36:51.761 --> 00:36:53.349 We lost our way. 746 00:36:53.383 --> 00:36:54.971 And if you don't believe me, look around you. 747 00:36:55.005 --> 00:36:56.352 Look at this room. 748 00:36:56.386 --> 00:36:59.527 Room full of magnificent creatures with limitless potential 749 00:36:59.562 --> 00:37:03.704 for symbiotic compassion and spiritual perfection, 750 00:37:03.738 --> 00:37:05.568 paying good money to see a man 751 00:37:05.602 --> 00:37:07.259 that's dedicated the best years of his life 752 00:37:07.294 --> 00:37:10.607 into finding a way to monetize screaming at strangers. 753 00:37:12.333 --> 00:37:14.301 I mean, fucking look at my face. 754 00:37:14.335 --> 00:37:16.579 What are you even watching right now? 755 00:37:17.821 --> 00:37:19.961 And what the fuck do I have to show for this? 756 00:37:19.996 --> 00:37:22.378 Fuck all, 38 years old, 757 00:37:22.412 --> 00:37:26.244 no partner, no kids, no assets, no savings. 758 00:37:26.278 --> 00:37:27.797 The most expensive thing I own 759 00:37:27.831 --> 00:37:29.971 is an autograph copy of George Michael's "Faith" 760 00:37:30.006 --> 00:37:31.214 on cassette tape! 761 00:37:42.018 --> 00:37:44.158 Oh, I don't fucking know. 762 00:37:45.608 --> 00:37:48.127 I don't know, sometimes you do. 763 00:37:50.820 --> 00:37:53.029 You do, you travel around and you do shows and- 764 00:37:56.860 --> 00:37:58.828 I don't know, I don't know, I don't know how I go here. 765 00:37:58.862 --> 00:37:59.622 I don't know. 766 00:38:05.041 --> 00:38:06.249 - [Crowd] Aww. 767 00:38:07.077 --> 00:38:08.976 Aww, yeah, yeah. 768 00:38:09.010 --> 00:38:09.942 - We love you. 769 00:38:09.977 --> 00:38:11.219 - Thank you, I love- - I'd marry you! 770 00:38:11.254 --> 00:38:12.807 - That's the spirit. 771 00:38:14.533 --> 00:38:17.053 That's where we need to start, bit of that shit. 772 00:38:21.989 --> 00:38:25.682 Yeah hey mum, no, I'm still on the road. 773 00:38:26.890 --> 00:38:28.996 Oh I don't even know where I am right now. 774 00:38:30.204 --> 00:38:31.205 Yeah. 775 00:38:32.344 --> 00:38:33.172 Yeah, I will. 776 00:38:34.208 --> 00:38:35.209 All right. 777 00:38:36.486 --> 00:38:37.660 Yeah no, I'm good, I'm good. 778 00:38:37.694 --> 00:38:38.971 I'm just tired. 779 00:38:39.006 --> 00:38:40.663 Okay, love you too. 780 00:38:41.698 --> 00:38:42.492 Okay, bye. 781 00:38:49.361 --> 00:38:50.983 You know actually, 782 00:38:51.018 --> 00:38:55.022 it was my uncle that got me into comedy, inadvertently. 783 00:38:56.230 --> 00:38:58.888 I got this uncle, he's an amateur magician. 784 00:39:00.130 --> 00:39:03.996 And by that I mean, he really wants to be a magician. 785 00:39:04.031 --> 00:39:06.033 But he's just fucking amateur! 786 00:39:07.137 --> 00:39:09.036 Just fucking awful! 787 00:39:10.900 --> 00:39:13.385 And he always does these Christmas shows for us. 788 00:39:13.420 --> 00:39:16.008 He does Christmas magic shows every Christmas. 789 00:39:16.043 --> 00:39:17.216 And when I say that, 790 00:39:17.251 --> 00:39:19.218 you're probably picturing like card tricks 791 00:39:19.253 --> 00:39:21.117 and rabbits out of hats. 792 00:39:21.151 --> 00:39:22.394 None of that. 793 00:39:22.429 --> 00:39:25.742 He's like an amateur escapologist, daredevil, 794 00:39:25.777 --> 00:39:28.089 illusionist kind of magician. 795 00:39:28.124 --> 00:39:32.404 Just doing dangerous, dangerous shit with no training 796 00:39:32.439 --> 00:39:35.234 and not a lot going on upstairs. 797 00:39:36.408 --> 00:39:38.410 One of my earliest childhood memories right, 798 00:39:38.445 --> 00:39:42.725 he got up on top of the pergola right, in a straitjacket 799 00:39:42.759 --> 00:39:46.867 and he's gonna jump off the pergola into the swimming pool 800 00:39:46.901 --> 00:39:50.249 and not surface until he got out of the straitjacket. 801 00:39:50.284 --> 00:39:52.700 None of us told him not to do it. 802 00:39:52.735 --> 00:39:57.256 He's up there, on the pergola, wrapped in his straitjacket 803 00:39:57.291 --> 00:39:59.086 and he does this thing before he does any trick, 804 00:39:59.120 --> 00:40:01.226 he goes, 3-2-1 ready. 805 00:40:01.260 --> 00:40:02.469 It's like his little catchphrase. 806 00:40:02.503 --> 00:40:04.402 So, he's up there he goes, 3-2-1 ready. 807 00:40:04.436 --> 00:40:06.921 He takes a step back to run up into the pool 808 00:40:06.956 --> 00:40:08.129 and just went 809 00:40:08.164 --> 00:40:10.649 straight through the pergola, 810 00:40:10.684 --> 00:40:14.239 impaled his shoulder on a star picket, 811 00:40:14.273 --> 00:40:17.553 tore all the ligaments in his ankle and when he landed, 812 00:40:17.587 --> 00:40:20.176 he made such a loud noise, it frightened the dog 813 00:40:20.210 --> 00:40:22.040 and the dog bit him on the face. 814 00:40:26.838 --> 00:40:29.944 So, Christmas was always awesome. 815 00:40:31.290 --> 00:40:34.259 And that year, he wouldn't let us take him to the hospital. 816 00:40:34.293 --> 00:40:35.329 He's like, I'll be fine. 817 00:40:35.363 --> 00:40:36.641 He just 818 00:40:36.675 --> 00:40:38.263 pulled himself off the star picket, 819 00:40:38.297 --> 00:40:41.266 cracked a stubby and went to the barbecue, 820 00:40:41.300 --> 00:40:42.612 you know what I mean? 821 00:40:42.647 --> 00:40:44.994 But as a result, he fucked his shoulders so bad, 822 00:40:45.028 --> 00:40:46.996 he fucked all the nerves in his arm 823 00:40:47.030 --> 00:40:48.929 and he's got no feeling in his left hand. 824 00:40:48.963 --> 00:40:51.310 He can still pick stuff up but he can't feel things 825 00:40:51.345 --> 00:40:53.796 and he always says horrible, horrible shit like, 826 00:40:53.830 --> 00:40:57.040 Yeah, Randy, I don't even need the missus anymore, 827 00:40:57.075 --> 00:41:00.354 I just close me eyes and think of Mariah Carey. 828 00:41:01.666 --> 00:41:03.633 Yeah, the man's a fucking unit. 829 00:41:03.668 --> 00:41:04.462 So 830 00:41:05.704 --> 00:41:07.361 This one Christmas, this is how I got into comedy 831 00:41:07.395 --> 00:41:10.053 This one Christmas, someone from his local RSL club 832 00:41:10.088 --> 00:41:12.884 had given him a little PeeWee 100 motor bike, 833 00:41:12.918 --> 00:41:15.127 like a little children's motor bike. 834 00:41:15.162 --> 00:41:18.130 I'm not sure why, maybe they wanted him dead. 835 00:41:18.165 --> 00:41:20.339 But anyway, he turned up to Christmas 836 00:41:20.374 --> 00:41:22.894 He turned up to Christmas right, 837 00:41:22.928 --> 00:41:26.138 with this little PeeWee 100 motor bike 838 00:41:26.173 --> 00:41:29.556 and he built a ramp in his ute. 839 00:41:29.590 --> 00:41:33.387 He built a ramp that folded out of the tray of his ute 840 00:41:33.421 --> 00:41:37.218 and then, up over the cab of little truck. 841 00:41:37.253 --> 00:41:40.083 And he had this idea that he was gonna drive his little ute 842 00:41:40.118 --> 00:41:43.501 around to school fetes and county fairs and stuff 843 00:41:43.535 --> 00:41:48.160 and do jumps on his little motor bike in his ute ramp. 844 00:41:48.195 --> 00:41:52.233 Again, none of us told him not to do it. 845 00:41:52.268 --> 00:41:53.545 He turned up with his thing 846 00:41:53.580 --> 00:41:55.202 and he set it up across the road, 847 00:41:55.236 --> 00:41:57.238 and we were having Christmas at my family's house 848 00:41:57.273 --> 00:41:59.240 in the country in central Victoria. 849 00:41:59.275 --> 00:42:00.656 There's heaps of paddocks around. 850 00:42:00.690 --> 00:42:01.933 We're in the middle of nowhere 851 00:42:01.967 --> 00:42:03.555 so he loves having Christmas there 852 00:42:03.590 --> 00:42:05.592 cause he can do dangerous shit in the paddocks, right, 853 00:42:05.626 --> 00:42:07.248 and really spread out. 854 00:42:07.283 --> 00:42:09.596 So, he built this obstacle course 855 00:42:09.630 --> 00:42:12.288 and he's across the road all morning, setting this up 856 00:42:12.322 --> 00:42:14.808 and we're in the house and we hear, 3-2-1 ready! 857 00:42:16.050 --> 00:42:19.398 So, we go across the road and there he is. 858 00:42:19.433 --> 00:42:20.848 Picture this, he's a massive dude. 859 00:42:20.883 --> 00:42:21.918 Huge guy. 860 00:42:21.953 --> 00:42:24.024 Strawberry blonde mullet. 861 00:42:24.058 --> 00:42:26.129 Big blonde handlebar mustache 862 00:42:26.164 --> 00:42:28.373 with a nicotine stain in the middle 863 00:42:28.407 --> 00:42:30.409 like he's been eating an ass. 864 00:42:30.444 --> 00:42:33.136 And he just sits there, right. 865 00:42:33.171 --> 00:42:34.793 He huge in this tiny motor bike. 866 00:42:34.828 --> 00:42:35.967 He's like, here we go. 867 00:42:37.175 --> 00:42:38.383 And he took off. 868 00:42:38.417 --> 00:42:40.040 And he was like weaving through the cones. 869 00:42:40.074 --> 00:42:41.593 Popping little monos. 870 00:42:41.628 --> 00:42:43.630 He did about 25 minutes as a warm up. 871 00:42:43.664 --> 00:42:47.219 We're like, actually this is pretty entertaining. 872 00:42:47.254 --> 00:42:48.635 And he gets to the end of his warm up, 873 00:42:48.669 --> 00:42:51.085 he parks the bike about maybe 20 meters 874 00:42:51.120 --> 00:42:53.916 from where he's gonna start his run up to his big jump. 875 00:42:53.950 --> 00:42:56.297 And he added a little bit of showbiz flare here. 876 00:42:56.332 --> 00:42:57.644 I'll never forget it. 877 00:42:57.678 --> 00:42:59.715 He got off the bike and he pretended that the motor bike 878 00:42:59.749 --> 00:43:01.717 was too heavy for him to push. 879 00:43:01.751 --> 00:43:03.408 Massive dude, tiny motor bike. 880 00:43:03.442 --> 00:43:04.202 He just goes. 881 00:43:06.445 --> 00:43:07.343 Oh, it's too heavy kids. 882 00:43:07.377 --> 00:43:08.413 I can't push it. 883 00:43:08.447 --> 00:43:10.622 We're like, yay! 884 00:43:10.657 --> 00:43:12.348 Five stars. 885 00:43:12.382 --> 00:43:14.005 You're a comedic genius. 886 00:43:14.039 --> 00:43:15.903 He's like 887 00:43:15.938 --> 00:43:17.733 and then, he just went, oh bugger it. 888 00:43:17.767 --> 00:43:19.251 Picked the motor bike up. 889 00:43:19.286 --> 00:43:22.289 Put it under his arm and marched back to the start line, 890 00:43:22.323 --> 00:43:24.153 like a fucking legend. 891 00:43:25.326 --> 00:43:26.638 He gets to the start line. 892 00:43:26.673 --> 00:43:30.366 He goes to put the motor bike down but he can't. 893 00:43:31.539 --> 00:43:33.093 Because when he picked it up, 894 00:43:33.127 --> 00:43:36.683 he inadvertently put his left hand on the exhaust pipe. 895 00:43:36.717 --> 00:43:39.133 He's got no feeling in his left hand. 896 00:43:39.168 --> 00:43:40.790 The exhaust pipe was very hot. 897 00:43:40.825 --> 00:43:42.378 By the time he made it back to the start line, 898 00:43:42.412 --> 00:43:45.484 his left hand had fused to the exhaust pipe, 899 00:43:45.519 --> 00:43:48.349 melded to the motor bike. 900 00:43:48.384 --> 00:43:51.525 He's like, oh, I can't put it down. 901 00:43:51.559 --> 00:43:55.218 We're all like, ahh, the smell of burning flesh! 902 00:43:57.082 --> 00:43:59.360 All the adults are pouring beer on it. 903 00:43:59.395 --> 00:44:01.052 He's like, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt. 904 00:44:01.086 --> 00:44:03.537 We're like, but it's fucked! 905 00:44:04.711 --> 00:44:07.265 That year, he let us take him to the hospital. 906 00:44:08.404 --> 00:44:10.509 You have a motor bike attached to your hand. 907 00:44:10.544 --> 00:44:11.752 Get in the fucking car. 908 00:44:12.995 --> 00:44:14.341 But because we were having Christmas 909 00:44:14.375 --> 00:44:17.309 at my house in the country, everybody was shit-faced, 910 00:44:17.344 --> 00:44:18.483 because everybody was staying over. 911 00:44:18.517 --> 00:44:21.210 Everyone was camping so nobody could drive him 912 00:44:21.244 --> 00:44:25.283 except for me, I'd been on my learner's permit for one week. 913 00:44:26.387 --> 00:44:28.424 Two hour drive to the hospital. 914 00:44:28.458 --> 00:44:31.047 I'm just like white knuckling it the whole way. 915 00:44:31.082 --> 00:44:34.879 My dad shit-faced in the passenger sit just supervising me. 916 00:44:34.913 --> 00:44:36.604 Hey, you're doing a great job. 917 00:44:36.639 --> 00:44:40.850 My uncle, on the backseat, motor bike on his lap, 918 00:44:42.058 --> 00:44:44.716 his left hand fused into the exhaust pipe 919 00:44:44.751 --> 00:44:47.754 and then just sculling a long neck with his right hand. 920 00:44:49.134 --> 00:44:50.998 And that is not what got me into comedy 921 00:44:51.033 --> 00:44:53.587 but that is definitely what got me into drinking. 922 00:44:54.657 --> 00:44:56.141 That guy is tough as fuck. 923 00:44:57.384 --> 00:45:02.113 Yes! 924 00:45:03.770 --> 00:45:06.358 It's Christmas night in emergency. 925 00:45:06.393 --> 00:45:07.359 There's chaos. 926 00:45:07.394 --> 00:45:08.913 There's people impaled on Christmas trees 927 00:45:08.947 --> 00:45:12.364 and kids that have eaten Christmas baubles and shit. 928 00:45:12.399 --> 00:45:15.091 And so it's crazy but he walks through the doors 929 00:45:15.126 --> 00:45:18.405 carrying a motor bike and the entire room went silent. 930 00:45:18.439 --> 00:45:19.544 I've never seen anything like it. 931 00:45:19.578 --> 00:45:21.580 All these people just went. 932 00:45:25.067 --> 00:45:26.793 He marches up to the counter, 933 00:45:26.827 --> 00:45:29.588 slams the motor bike down in front of the triage nurse 934 00:45:29.623 --> 00:45:31.763 and just goes, I've done a mischief! 935 00:45:34.007 --> 00:45:35.387 They took him into surgery. 936 00:45:35.422 --> 00:45:37.458 He was in there for six hours. 937 00:45:37.493 --> 00:45:39.150 I had to sit in the waiting room 938 00:45:39.184 --> 00:45:40.738 and wait for him the whole time. 939 00:45:40.772 --> 00:45:42.291 And while I was there, 940 00:45:42.325 --> 00:45:44.086 there was an episode of Seinfeld on the television. 941 00:45:44.120 --> 00:45:45.225 I was like, I wanna do that. 942 00:45:45.259 --> 00:45:46.157 And here I am. 943 00:45:51.093 --> 00:45:52.301 Thank you, uncle. 944 00:45:54.096 --> 00:45:55.338 Thank you, uncle. 945 00:46:18.361 --> 00:46:20.432 We have to start believing as a collective 946 00:46:20.467 --> 00:46:22.814 that we're capable of achieving greatness 947 00:46:22.849 --> 00:46:25.506 in areas that actually matter. 948 00:46:26.473 --> 00:46:27.646 And it's not gonna be easy. 949 00:46:27.681 --> 00:46:29.096 I'm not up here saying that I've got, 950 00:46:29.131 --> 00:46:30.649 you know, I haven't got it figured out. 951 00:46:30.684 --> 00:46:33.169 We just gonna have to try. 952 00:46:33.204 --> 00:46:34.481 If we're gonna get our shit together, 953 00:46:34.515 --> 00:46:36.448 it's gonna involve some sacrifice. 954 00:46:36.483 --> 00:46:38.692 You gotta give up a lot of shit. 955 00:46:38.726 --> 00:46:42.213 Stuff like casual misogyny, listening to commercial radio 956 00:46:42.247 --> 00:46:44.077 and going to the horse races. 957 00:46:45.009 --> 00:46:46.320 Yes. 958 00:46:46.355 --> 00:46:48.184 I'm sorry, there's no more horse races now. 959 00:46:49.220 --> 00:46:50.497 Here's a fun fact. 960 00:46:50.531 --> 00:46:52.982 119 race horses died last year. 961 00:46:53.017 --> 00:46:56.641 119 race horses killed while racing. 962 00:46:56.675 --> 00:46:58.850 To put that into perspective, that's the equivalent 963 00:46:58.885 --> 00:47:02.233 of six Australian rules football teams worth of players 964 00:47:02.267 --> 00:47:05.270 dying on the field during matches. 965 00:47:07.997 --> 00:47:09.654 You reckon if that happened 966 00:47:09.688 --> 00:47:12.657 they probably put a stop to the sport, don't you think? 967 00:47:12.691 --> 00:47:14.555 It seems a little bit dangerous 968 00:47:14.590 --> 00:47:17.662 or at the very least unnecessarily cruel. 969 00:47:17.696 --> 00:47:20.699 Oh, looks like he's done his hamstring. 970 00:47:24.082 --> 00:47:28.707 Oh, that's an achilles tendon, out for the season of life. 971 00:47:32.263 --> 00:47:33.160 I think we should do it. 972 00:47:33.195 --> 00:47:34.058 I think we should start killing 973 00:47:34.092 --> 00:47:35.369 some Aussie rules footy players, 974 00:47:35.404 --> 00:47:36.301 send a message to the racing industry. 975 00:47:38.476 --> 00:47:39.787 Collingwood could go first. 976 00:47:39.822 --> 00:47:40.927 Who's with me? 977 00:47:42.721 --> 00:47:43.481 Yeah! 978 00:47:46.587 --> 00:47:48.969 You all just collectively supported mass murder. 979 00:47:52.766 --> 00:47:54.285 See that? 980 00:47:54.319 --> 00:47:56.114 Create the right environment. 981 00:47:57.944 --> 00:48:00.947 Elicit the appropriate emotional frame of mind. 982 00:48:00.981 --> 00:48:03.363 Sprinkle in a few chemicals like dopamine 983 00:48:03.397 --> 00:48:05.606 or oxytocin or serotonin. 984 00:48:05.641 --> 00:48:06.918 Add some consequences. 985 00:48:06.953 --> 00:48:08.126 Bit of peer pressure. 986 00:48:09.679 --> 00:48:11.578 You can make a person get behind pretty much anything. 987 00:48:11.612 --> 00:48:12.544 - Yep 988 00:48:12.579 --> 00:48:16.134 - You can manufacture faith. 989 00:48:16.169 --> 00:48:17.411 - Yes. 990 00:48:17.446 --> 00:48:21.726 Anywhere from blind allegiance to true love 991 00:48:21.760 --> 00:48:23.797 to the belief that repeatedly hitting a button 992 00:48:23.831 --> 00:48:27.111 at an intersection will make the traffic lights change. 993 00:48:27.145 --> 00:48:28.077 It doesn't work. 994 00:48:28.112 --> 00:48:29.907 You only need to press it once. 995 00:48:29.941 --> 00:48:31.770 It's a time sequence. 996 00:48:31.805 --> 00:48:33.220 But there's always someone there, isn't it? 997 00:48:33.255 --> 00:48:35.084 Just going, change! 998 00:48:35.119 --> 00:48:36.465 Fucking change! 999 00:48:41.125 --> 00:48:43.782 Look, the question I'm trying to ask is, right, 1000 00:48:43.817 --> 00:48:45.957 if as a species, 1001 00:48:45.992 --> 00:48:49.478 we're naturally predisposed to collective belief 1002 00:48:49.512 --> 00:48:53.827 and if all faith is fundamentally manufactured, 1003 00:48:53.861 --> 00:48:57.520 why not just create a new religion that's wholly inclusive 1004 00:48:57.555 --> 00:49:00.075 and prioritizes saving the planet, 1005 00:49:00.109 --> 00:49:01.628 protecting every living species 1006 00:49:01.662 --> 00:49:05.873 and growing towards spiritual evolution, in this life, 1007 00:49:05.908 --> 00:49:07.703 not the imaginary next one? 1008 00:49:07.737 --> 00:49:09.187 That's it, that's the question. 1009 00:49:15.883 --> 00:49:17.437 People watching this going, 1010 00:49:17.471 --> 00:49:19.439 geez you're a self-righteous little shit aren't you? 1011 00:49:19.473 --> 00:49:20.716 What are you doing, Randy? 1012 00:49:20.750 --> 00:49:21.682 What are you doing? 1013 00:49:23.029 --> 00:49:24.340 Fucking this. 1014 00:49:26.032 --> 00:49:27.723 This is it, this is all I know how to do. 1015 00:49:27.757 --> 00:49:30.760 This is the only thing I've developed skills for. 1016 00:49:32.314 --> 00:49:35.489 So, if you've got a skill, figure out how to apply it. 1017 00:49:35.524 --> 00:49:37.905 Do something, fucking worthwhile, you cunts. 1018 00:49:37.940 --> 00:49:38.734 Okay, here we go. 1019 00:49:43.083 --> 00:49:44.912 I'm gonna end on a reading. 1020 00:49:44.947 --> 00:49:46.190 All right? 1021 00:49:46.224 --> 00:49:47.743 And then, we're gonna go off on the night together. 1022 00:49:47.777 --> 00:49:49.538 Change the fucking world. 1023 00:49:54.163 --> 00:49:58.374 And with that, Barrel climb aboard her space craft 1024 00:49:58.409 --> 00:49:59.272 and buggered off. 1025 00:50:00.687 --> 00:50:02.723 And the sapiens were left to ponder 1026 00:50:02.758 --> 00:50:04.725 their limitless potential. 1027 00:50:05.692 --> 00:50:09.178 So, said one sapien to another, 1028 00:50:09.213 --> 00:50:10.731 you think she's gonna come back? 1029 00:50:12.250 --> 00:50:14.735 Honestly, said the other sapien, 1030 00:50:14.770 --> 00:50:16.013 I don't know if it matters. 1031 00:50:16.047 --> 00:50:17.428 We should probably get started 1032 00:50:17.462 --> 00:50:19.257 on becoming enlightened regardless. 1033 00:50:20.707 --> 00:50:23.537 Yeah, said the other sapien. 1034 00:50:23.572 --> 00:50:25.746 I'm sure we'll get it around to it, eventually. 1035 00:50:27.369 --> 00:50:28.680 Here ends the lesson. 1036 00:50:28.715 --> 00:50:29.440 Thank you very much. 1037 00:50:29.474 --> 00:50:30.441 Good night, thank you. 1038 00:51:24.702 --> 00:51:25.841 - Thank you very much.