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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Okay, let's get down to it.

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You know, the reason I like
taping my special in Bangalore

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is because people here
are just extra nice man!

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Just extra nice.

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[Audience cheers]

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See!

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Extra nice

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Not too nice, eh.

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Don't be too nice.

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See, the thing is some
people try to be nice,

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But that just comes off as condescending.

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You know what I mean?

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Like, I was running up the stairs one time,

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I was running up in a hurry...

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and I tripped on one step,

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and this guy was like,
"Hey, be careful!"

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Uh…

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"What is this shitty
hindsight advice you giving me?"

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"Where were you when I
needed you one step ago, dude?"

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"Now you come and tell me,

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Be careful!'

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"I know now dude, I've learnt my lesson."

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"My leg is paining."

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People always say
'be careful' when it's too late.

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Always comes too late 'be careful'

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It's like..my friend he
asked me if I wanted some tea.

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I said, "Yeah sure."

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He gives me the tea,

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I drink the tea,

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I burn my tongue.

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He says, "Careful, it's hot!"

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"Oh, now I know now."

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Shitty hindsight advice man.

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People give hindsight
advice all the time by the way.

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I don't know if you guys have noticed.

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It's like when your friends come
to you after a breakup and they say,

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"You know, I always knew she
wasn't the right one for you dude."

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"Wow, always?"

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"You could have said
eight years ago no, bastard?"

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"Be careful of Sneha,
you could've said that."

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My heart is paining.
[imitates crying]

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My friends are being nice.

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I have nice friends and I
feel like you guys are nice people.

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But I think that's what's
lacking in this world at the moment,
I have nice friends and I
feel like you guys are nice people.

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But I think that's what's
lacking in this world at the moment,

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this country, in fact, I feel like...

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No one is being nice to each other.

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And I think,

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that's because no one is
relating to each other anymore

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Everyone just seems,
it just seems very divided, you know?

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Everyone's like, "Oh those North Indians."

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They are like,
"Oh all those South Indians."

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But like...

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Parota Paratha dude...

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Yeah, culturally we are different.

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But as people and
as humans we are still...

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we can still relate, we can empathize
with each other on smaller human things.

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And that's what this whole world needs.

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And I am going to tell you a little
story about empathy, that I went through.

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And I hope you take away
the right lesson from this story.

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Story about empathy, alright.

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It's that part of the show,
please bear with me.

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I got into a cab when I was in Delhi.

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It's Delhi right,

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not used to the language and stuff.

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And I got into the cab.

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And the moment I got into the cab,

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the driver farted.

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Okay?

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Now...
[scattered laughter in audience]

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Sorry, this is not a fart joke.

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I hope you don't think...

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a fart..

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I don't do fart jokes.

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I don't do fart jokes
in my show by the way.

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This is a story about empathy.

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Umm..

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He farted.

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It was one of those farts

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where I couldn't hear the fart,

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I could..

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taste it.

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You know? And

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Sorry

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This is not a fart joke. Please!

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Excuse me!

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It's about empathy.
I am getting there!

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Alright?

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Now I know what you would've done.
Alright?

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Now I know what you would've done.

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You would've all put your window down and

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just let a little bit of air out.

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But that's not the nice thing to do.
Alright?

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because once you put your window down

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he's gonna realize you smelt his fart,

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he's gonna feel bad!

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Here's the thing

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No one likes having
their fart acknowledged man.

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I know.

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I knew how he felt.

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I empathized.

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because once I farted in an Uber

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the driver put his window down,

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I felt bad!

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I empathize.

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It's an empathy joke, alright?

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So I sat there and let
that fart just envelop me

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like a warm blanket. Just...

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And I held my breath, I held my breath.
like a warm blanket. Just...

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And I held my breath, I held my breath.

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Two minutes

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Three minutes. Holding my breath.

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Four minutes. Holding my breath.

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I think maybe I should smile,

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just let him know it's okay.

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Six minutes pass...

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Now the driver is getting suspicious.

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He's like is this...

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Has it not reached him yet or?

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Then he sees me smiling.

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So he's like,"Oh my god
is he enjoying it or what?"

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But this is how far I am willing to go!

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This is how far I am willing to go,

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to empathize with this man.

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I'm like I'm doing this
for the goodness of humanity.

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But
I'm like I'm doing this
for the goodness of humanity.

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But

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I can't hold my breath any longer.

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because there's still 30
minutes to get to the destination.

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This freakin' fart's not going anywhere!

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I'm stuck inside this freakin'

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Wagon R fart parcel dude!

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It's a bubble of fart.

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It's a vacuum of fart
that I am stuck inside.

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And it's not a fart joke.

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And

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I'm just praying to God.

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I'm like, "Please God,
just give me any excuse."

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"Just any excuse to put this window down."

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"So he won't feel bad."

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"Like a fly inside the car."

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"Anything like that."

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And on the next signal
the car stopped.

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And you won't believe it,

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a small beggar child came

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and knocked on the
window asking for money.

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And it's like I had an
excuse to put the window down.

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And I could help him.

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And I could help the cab driver.

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It was beautiful.

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It's like god himself
had appeared before me.

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As I put the window down

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the beggar was like,

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"Eh, cheeee!!"

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And he ran off!

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I'm like,

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"Empathize with me bastard!"

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Children dude, no empathy dude.

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Not a fart joke, ladies and gentlemen

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Alright.

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Tell me, if you guys have ever done this.

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Have you ever littered?

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At any point in your life?

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[Audience: Yes, yes]

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I'm sure we've all just...

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You know you've all just ...

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kind of thrown your waste on the ground.

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You can't find a dustbin,
so you just throw it.

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And I know you've blamed the government,

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"Like oh..
there's no dustbin,

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hey just throw it."

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"Just throw it."

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And I've seen people do it.

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And I think it's very disrespectful

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to just throw your waste on the ground.

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I'm not like that.

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I'm very environmentally friendly

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I always take my waste and I
carefully...

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keep it on the ground, alright?

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Respectfully.

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There's a difference.

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You know the thing is,
if you throw it,

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it will look like the government's trying,

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but you don't give a shit.

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But if you keep it,
it will look like you are trying,

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but the government doesn't give a shit.

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Hmm...

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No, no, I haven't sold you guys on this
throwing and keeping.

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Alright

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I'll make this more relatable, alright?

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If your mom

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comes and keeps food on the dining table

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she places the food
she keeps it gently

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that means everything at home is fine.

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She's fine, right?

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Now if she comes and
throws food on the dining table

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that means she is...?

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An alcoholic.
Yeah, that's right.

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No, that means
your dad is an alcoholic

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and she is angry

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and she's trying to send a message, right?

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She's like, "Aargh, I'm not happy with the way

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things are at home."

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She's trying to send a message.
That's what this is about.

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Thing is if you throw it,

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you know it will look like a garbage dump.

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But if you keep it

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it will look like an art installation.

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Men,

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If you wanna urinate in public,
go ahead

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urinate in public.

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But send a message with your urine

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like literally

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write something on the wall with it.

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Just be like,

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"Keep India clean"

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"Clean India Initia...

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I ran out of pee over here,

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let me just..

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Initiative."

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Full stop!

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Cursive works best, right,
for that

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Capital block and all
you've to keep stopping, it's...

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you'll get a
urinary tract infection.

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But the government is trying though.

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The government is trying their best.

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They banned plastic bags everywhere.

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Right, yeah?

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But you still see them everywhere, right?

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I mean the shops are still using it,

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00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,040
the restaurants are still using it,

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our moms are still collecting it.

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One time I thought it would be nice to

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give my mom one of these
zip lock bags to send food in

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and she sent me food.

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I went to another city.

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Then she found out that it was reusable.

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So I had to courier it back to her

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for her to reuse.

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It's pointless.

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We live in a time when

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people don't carry plastic bags
as openly as they used to.

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It depends on where you carry it.

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You carry it in a bus stop,
railway station,

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everyone's carrying a plastic bag,
they empathize with you.

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If you carry a plastic bag at the airport,
people would be like,

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"First time flying?"

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"Hmm?"

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"First time?"

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"Is that your hand baggage or what?"

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They judge you man.

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One time I actually had to

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One time I actually had to
carry a plastic bag at the airport

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but

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it wasn't my choice.

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My aunt, man,
you know every time I visit her,

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she sends me back with
something or the other, right?

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This time I went to visit her,
she's like,

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"Naveen, you wanna take
some fruit vegetables and go?"

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00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,040
"Aunty, we have there
also fruit vegetables."

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"No take home grown fruit vegetables,
organic fruit vegetables."

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"Tasty!

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fruit vegetables, take and go!!"

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00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:05,320
I was like

267
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,920
"Okay, give!"

268
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,560
Now she goes to her garden,

269
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,560
she comes back with
this heavy ass plastic bag.

270
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:12,320
I don't know what

271
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:13,880
must be some tomatoes, oranges and all.

272
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:14,680
I look inside

273
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,400
it's one freakin' watermelon dude!

274
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:18,680
One watermelon!

275
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,280
"Aunty, this is just fruit,
where are the vegetables?"

276
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,440
Now I'm going to the airport

277
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,520
with this one watermelon
in a plastic bag.

278
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,120
Just one watermelon
in a plastic bag I go there.

279
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,040
I go to the check-in counter.

280
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,240
They're like,
"'Sir, any hand baggage?"

281
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,000
I'm like,
"Yup"

282
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,520
"One fruit vegetables, please."

283
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,360
Now I'm taking this thing.

284
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,240
You know that security check thing,
there's that X-ray machine.

285
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,840
People are taking out laptops and iPads.

286
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,480
I'm taking out a watermelon and

287
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,240
putting in the tray and
sending it through the scanner.

288
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:44,960
Then I see a sign.

289
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,360
It says,
Only 100ml liquid allowed'

290
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,520
So I'm like, "Oh my God.
How much water is in this watermelon?"

291
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,680
What if it gets to the other side
and they're like,

292
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,640
"This is 200ml, sir."

293
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:52,920
"You'll have to eat this here and now."

294
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,400
"Make it half."

295
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,720
"Anybody wants watermelon juice?"

296
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,920
"Anybody want watermelon juice?'"

297
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:02,960
Embarrassing.

298
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,280
I take this freakin' thing on the flight.

299
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,800
Of all the days
this is the day,

300
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,600
they decide to upgrade
me to business class.

301
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:09,120
Alright?

302
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:10,280
Yeah

303
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:11,440
The steward is like,

304
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,800
"Sir, do you mind, sir.
Economy is full.

305
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,280
Do you mind if we put
you in business class."

306
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:15,040
I'm just like,

307
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,040
"No"

308
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:19,960
"No"

309
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:21,800
"Sir, you don't want
to go to business class?"

310
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,120
"Yeah, but no."

311
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:25,960
"Don't want."

312
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,200
I'm getting

313
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,080
into business class

314
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,920
I'm trying to be as sneaky
as I can with that plastic bag.

315
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:31,840
I don't want anyone to see it.

316
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,560
I'm trying not to make
that plastic bag sound.

317
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:34,720
that 'krrrrkk'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

318
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:35,520
That 'krrrrkk',

319
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,040
that's the most middle
class sound in the world, dude.

320
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:38,680
krrrkk'

321
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,120
If middle class had a national anthem,

322
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:43,040
it's just 'krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

323
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,360
I'm trying to put it in
that hand baggage thing, right.

324
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,440
I'm trying not to make any noise.

325
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,960
I'm trying to cover it
up with the sound of my cough.

326
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:53,280
[Imitates coughing sound]

327
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:56,760
And I think I've gotten away with it,

328
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,040
but when the plane takes off
there's so much turbulence

329
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,040
that the watermelon's
rolling around inside

330
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,080
kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

331
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,000
People are judging me
and babies are like

332
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,040
"Excuse me, we are trying to cry over here!

333
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,360
So inconvenient!

334
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,800
Oh my god!"

335
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,200
When the plane lands
I'm so embarrassed

336
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,040
I want nothing to do
with this plastic bag, right.

337
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,040
So I just take the watermelon out
and put it inside me shirt

338
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:19,840
and I walk around.

339
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:21,880
People are looking at me like I'm pregnant

340
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:22,840
And I'm,

341
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,120
I'm empathizing with moms like,

342
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,000
"Yeah, third trimester's the worst right?"

343
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,240
Yeah."
[Laughs]

344
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,000
"Oh my god, my watermelon broke, no!!!!!"

345
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,640
My mom sends me some
food every once in a while.

346
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,560
But sometimes I end up wasting it though.

347
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,360
I feel very bad.

348
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,040
I feel very guilty wasting food though.

349
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,760
You guys feel guilty wasting food?

350
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:45,680
[Audience: Yeah]

351
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:46,040
Yeah?

352
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,600
Do you guys also put
it in the fridge sometimes?

353
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:47,680
[Audience: Yeah]
Do you guys also put
it in the fridge sometimes?

354
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:48,400
[Audience: Yeah]

355
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,040
And then three days later
when you feel less guilty,

356
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:50,680
you throw it out?

357
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,040
[Audience: Reluctant 'yeah']

358
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:52,760
Yeah?

359
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,040
Relatable?
Yeah? This is relatable?

360
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:57,440
When the temperature of the food reduces

361
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,040
your guilt also reduces.

362
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,360
The colder the food becomes,

363
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,960
the colder you become to the food.

364
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,640
It will just be two-three lady fingers

365
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,440
that are left behind
and you'll still be like,

366
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,120
"No, tomorrow I'm gonna eat it."

367
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,640
"No, tomorrow I'm gonna eat it."

368
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:10,800
You know you are lying to yourself.

369
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,520
And you are lying to
the lady fingers as well,

370
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,920
like a father sending a
small child to boarding school

371
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:15,040
for the first time.
like a father sending a
small child to boarding school

372
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:15,840
for the first time.

373
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:16,920
Just lying to him like,

374
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,560
"Tomorrow I'll come okay?"

375
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,000
"Promise?"

376
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,040
"Yeah, see you tomorrow!"

377
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,080
"Bye papa."

378
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,960
Now the lady finger's
inside the fridge like,

379
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,360
"My pappa's coming tomorrow."

380
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,040
"Hmmm..."

381
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,120
"Hi Mr. Potato.

382
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,640
How long have you been here for?"

383
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,600
"I AM A MANGO!!!!"

384
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,040
"I've been here for so long...

385
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,440
...I should be mango pickle now!"

386
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,280
"Eat me!!!"

387
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,040
"Oh no!"

388
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,760
"Papad uncle, papad uncle, help me."

389
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:50,920
"I'm a chapati, bitch!"

390
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:51,600
"Oh no!"

391
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,040
The stuff in my fridge is one thing but

392
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,040
the stuff in my freezer,

393
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,480
I have no idea how long
that shit's been in there, dude.

394
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:06,040
Does anyone know?

395
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,840
Nobody knows exactly how long
food lasts in the freezer, right?

396
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,280
Nobody knows the expiry
date when it's put in there.

397
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,560
You even ask the people
you are buying the food from like,

398
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:12,600
"How long will this last?"
You even ask the people
you are buying the food from like,

399
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,480
"How long will this last?"

400
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,040
"Ah, you put it in the freezer,
it will last."

401
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:16,720
"How long?"

402
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:17,800
"It will last."

403
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,280
"For one week?"

404
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,760
"Yeah, no no, it will last."

405
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,040
"One month?"

406
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,040
"Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, it will last."

407
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,600
"Will it outlive me?"

408
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,040
"No, no, yeah."

409
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,240
"No, yeah yeah, no."

410
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,080
"Yeah no yeah, it will last."

411
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,400
Have you guys ever played the

412
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,120
bad magician game with the fridge?

413
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:37,720
[Audience: No]

414
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,560
The bad magician game!

415
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,000
Guys, the bad magician
game with the fridge.

416
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,040
You guys haven't played the bad?

417
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,680
I'm sure you guys have played it.

418
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:43,440
The bad magician game.

419
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,360
It's when you open the fridge to see

420
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,840
if something interesting is inside.

421
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:45,920
And there isn't.
if something interesting is inside.

422
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:46,600
And there isn't.

423
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,880
So you close it...

424
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:47,960
and you come back five minutes later
So you close it...

425
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,120
and you come back five minutes later

426
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,040
to see if something magically appeared.

427
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:53,560
Yeah!

428
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:54,440
See, I told you.

429
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:55,240
You've played it.

430
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,480
Every time you open the fridge

431
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,080
your standards have to lower

432
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,680
finally you're just
smelling some shit like,

433
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:00,480
"Dude"

434
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,360
"Dude, do you think these
mushrooms are safe to eat?"

435
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,080
"Dude, that's bread and the
fungus is growing on it, dude."

436
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:07,920
"So it's safe to eat or what?"

437
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,440
There's some nasty shit in my fridge man.

438
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,080
When you are a bachelor
it just...

439
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:14,720
especially when I was in college

440
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,040
I had the nastiest shit in my fridge

441
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,320
and in my kitchen, in general,

442
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,280
it was just filled with
lizards and cockroaches,

443
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,200
and stuff like that.

444
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:20,800
Yeah

445
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:21,720
what are you guys more afraid of?

446
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:22,920
Lizards or cockroaches?

447
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:22,960
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches]
Lizards or cockroaches?

448
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,560
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches]

449
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:25,040
See,

450
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,120
lizards I don't mind so much

451
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,480
because lizards they don't try to hide.

452
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,720
They are always out in the open

453
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:29,520
just chilling.

454
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:30,840
They don't try to hide,
they have nothing to hide.

455
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,280
But cockroaches, always hiding,

456
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,200
always so suspicious!

457
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:35,720
So suspicious these cockroaches!

458
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,920
every time you find them,

459
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,120
they act like they were right
in the middle of a drug deal!

460
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:42,960
You open the cupboard,

461
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,240
they'll be like,
"Everybody split up!!"

462
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,320
And then they'll run.

463
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:47,960
"What are you guys doing?"

464
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,240
"Nothing sir, just eating puffs sir."

465
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,360
"Going to tuition, sir. That's all!"

466
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,440
"Hey!"

467
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,080
"Hey!!"

468
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,760
One time I don't know what

469
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,760
was inside my kitchen cupboard
I saw the strangest phenomenon.

470
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,440
I just saw hundreds
of cockroaches running out

471
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:06,480
and then just going and
dying in the living room.
I just saw hundreds
of cockroaches running out

472
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,840
and then just going and
dying in the living room.

473
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,600
Just groups of cockroaches
going and dying there

474
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,280
like some group activity or some shit.

475
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,360
What is this a mass suicide or what dude?

476
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,360
What is there a cult inside my cupboard?

477
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,080
where there's some
spiritual cockroach baba

478
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,680
that's brainwashing
these cockroaches like,

479
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,280
"You are all cockroach..."

480
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,960
because we have committed
sin in the last life,

481
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,720
but we can end this karma
and get to the other side...

482
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:36,920
if we get together
and commit insecticide!"

483
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,680
Dude now I'm too scared
to open the cupboard.

484
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:41,600
What if I get brainwashed

485
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,360
and I join the cockroach cult by mistake?

486
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:44,840
They're like, "You are a cockroach!"

487
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,440
I'm like, "I empathize."

488
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,520
Freakin' turn into a cockroach in my head.

489
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,680
I start taking part in
these cockroach based activities.

490
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,000
Then I find out they are not
actually doing drug deals in the dark.

491
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,560
They're just waiting to
surprise their friends, right.

492
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:57,520
And then..

493
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,560
It's very sweet.
And...

494
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:01,920
at one of these parties,

495
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,440
I meet this cute cockroach

496
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,120
She's sweet.
Her name's uhm...

497
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,040
Roachini I guess.

498
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,240
I don't know. I don't know.

499
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,120
And we start going
out...we start going out...

500
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,360
I take her out to dinners and stuff.

501
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:13,480
I'm having dinner with her one night.

502
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:14,840
I'm having dinner at this restaurant.

503
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:15,920
And the waiter comes and says,

504
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,800
"Sorry sir, there's a cockroach
in your food, I'll replace it."

505
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,000
"No, she's with me actually."

506
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:21,040
Now Roachni,

507
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:22,560
she wants to introduce
me to her freakin' parents.

508
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:23,200
And I'm freakin' out.

509
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,080
What if they're damn orthodox?

510
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,120
Because you know she's a cockroach

511
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:25,920
and I am...

512
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,360
a comedian you know and

513
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,280
what parent is cool with that?

514
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,440
So Roachini and I, we decide
to run away together.

515
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,040
But then she cheats on
me with a freakin' lizard.

516
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,040
And then we break up.

517
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,320
And then one of my friends comes and says,

518
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,200
"You know I always knew she
wasn't the right one for you, dude."

519
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,480
One time...

520
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,320
you know one time I saw a lizard

521
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,040
and the lizard saw me and it got scared

522
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,040
and it dropped its tail.

523
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:53,840
Yeah

524
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:54,520
Did you know that lizards,

525
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,040
they drop their tail when they get scared?

526
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:57,040
Yeah it's like a...

527
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,440
it's a self-defense mechanism.

528
00:15:58,520 --> 00:15:59,520
But it's involuntary, you know.

529
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,480
It's an involuntary
self-defense mechanism.

530
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,000
They just drop their
tail and they run off.

531
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,040
Pity on him dude, it's involuntary dude.

532
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,360
Imagine his lizard
friends know this about him

533
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,600
and they go scare him like,

534
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:10,040
Boo!'

535
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,040
"Hey, bastard!"

536
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,040
"Why dude?"

537
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,040
"Bastard, I just now grew this, bastard."

538
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:15,760
"Hey you have a tail, no?"

539
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,840
"Empathize no bastard?"

540
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,440
"I look like one hatchback."

541
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,920
"Like a Doberman.
I look like a Doberman now bastard."

542
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:26,520
"Doberman."

543
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,320
"Godzilla also won't respect me now."

544
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,720
Yeah dude,
you know where I saw the lizard though?

545
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:32,680
You know where I saw the lizard?

546
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,960
I actually saw the lizard in my bathroom.

547
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,320
And when I saw the
lizard, even I got scared

548
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,440
and I freakin' slipped, dude."

549
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:38,680
"Whoa!" You know?

550
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,000
Does that ever happen
to you guys in the bathroom,

551
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,960
that scary 'whoa' moment?

552
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:43,320
Relatable, yeah?

553
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:44,920
You know what I'm talking about,

554
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:45,800
you're taking a bath

555
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,000
little shampoo falls to the ground

556
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:47,760
you don't realize it.

557
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:48,720
You're just doing your thing...

558
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:49,960
suddenly you go

559
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,040
"Whoa!!"

560
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,040
And then you feel your
testicles in your mouth?

561
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,040
You know what I'm talking about?

562
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:55,040
"Whoa"
[Shrieks]

563
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,320
You know what I'm talking about, guys?

564
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:57,680
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about?

565
00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:58,760
Testicles in the mouth right?

566
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,280
Hey no, this is a figure
of speech by the way!

567
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,520
You guys who are all clapping,
it's a figure of speech.

568
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,200
Tongue in cheek,
testicles in the mouth.

569
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:07,480
Figure of speech.

570
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,600
This is not that kinda show okay?

571
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:10,680
This is not that kinda show.

572
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,240
It's a family friendly show over here.

573
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:14,600
And I don't wanna slip

574
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:15,600
and like

575
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:16,840
fall in the bathroom

576
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:17,920
because I might die man.

577
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,800
And I don't wanna die in the bathroom

578
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,800
because if you die in the bathroom

579
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,800
no one else will even
realize that you're dead

580
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,040
for a very long time.

581
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:25,480
They'll think you have a stomach upset,

582
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,680
but you're dead inside.

583
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:28,680
And one day they'll be like,

584
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:29,920
"Dude, how long you take, dude."

585
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,080
"Dude, for three days he's
been shitting inside now, dude."

586
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,440
"Three days it has been!"

587
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:37,480
And you know,

588
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:38,960
the worst part is when
they find me dead inside

589
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,960
they're not going to be upset
with the fact that I'm dead first

590
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,320
they're going to be upset
for the fact that I'm naked.

591
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,960
That's their first reaction.

592
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,600
And I don't want that to
be the image that they're left with

593
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,600
when they remember me.

594
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,360
I don't want that to be
the image they are left with.

595
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:52,920
Imagine they're writing
the police report,

596
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:53,800
"Sir, can you describe to us"

597
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,440
what you saw exactly when you..?"

598
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,800
"I saw everything okay?"

599
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,040
"He had his testicles in his mouth."

600
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,120
"How did it get there?"

601
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,120
"He said it was a figure of speech!"

602
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,200
There was a solution to
this back in the day.

603
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,440
Back in the day,
we all went to the bathroom wearing...?

604
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:16,440
Rubber chappals.

605
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:17,840
Remember rubber slippers?

606
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,000
Remember when Bata made those
rubber slippers back in the good old days?

607
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,480
Remember they came in only two colors...
What was that?

608
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,480
Blue and white...and?

609
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:24,720
White and blue. Yeah.

610
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,440
Not many options there.

611
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:29,920
But those chappals..

612
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:30,760
they were made of

613
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,360
rubber.
They had so much grip man.

614
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:33,560
Remember they had so much grip?

615
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,280
You can walk on anything
you would never slip, dude.

616
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:36,440
Anything you can walk on.

617
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,560
You step on a banana peel,

618
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:38,720
the banana peel will slip dude!

619
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:40,720
So much grip!

620
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,080
How do you think Jesus walked on water?

621
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,040
Rubber chappal dude.

622
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,200
How do you think the lizards are up there?

623
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,240
Four rubber chappals they are wearing.

624
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,040
Four Batas they have on their feet.

625
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,040
You know every time I slip
in the bathroom floor,

626
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,040
every time I slip

627
00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,440
I get this near death experience.

628
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:00,680
Like, "Whoa!"

629
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,800
And then I can see my
life flashing before my eyes.

630
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:02,840
It's damn freaky, dude.
And then I can see my
life flashing before my eyes.

631
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:03,560
It's damn freaky, dude.

632
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,000
"Whoa!"
And I can remember everything.

633
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,800
From the moment I was
born up until that moment.

634
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:07,480
Just "Whoa!"

635
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,360
Remember everything in vivid detail man.

636
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,040
Just "Whoa!"

637
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,240
That's why these days
when I forget something

638
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,080
I don't even try to remember

639
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,040
I just go to the bathroom

640
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,080
spray some water...

641
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,920
“Whoa! Oh I left it
in the kitchen yeah that’s where it was.”

642
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,200
I have some nice friends.

643
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,480
My friends are extra nice
to me around my birthday you know.

644
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,320
They always..

645
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,320
wanna do something around the birthday.

646
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,040
And what I really wanna do..

647
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,760
on the night before my birthday

648
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,920
is nothing. Okay?

649
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:36,720
I don't wanna do anything,

650
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,040
because anything that
comes with expectations

651
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,320
you know it's gonna fall short.

652
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,200
But,

653
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,040
my friends they...

654
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,080
they put all this pressure on me.

655
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,840
They are like,
"Hmm..so birthday boy, hmmm?"

656
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,040
"What plans, hmmm?"

657
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,720
"What plans on your birthday?"

658
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:48,920
And I'll say, "Nothing."

659
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,280
And then they will feel bad for me

660
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,840
like I'm lonely or some shit.

661
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,000
I say "Dude, I am not lonely..."

662
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:55,800
"I have you guys."

663
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,360
"I just don't wanna be with you, alright?"

664
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,840
And then they feel bad dude.

665
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,760
These guys, my friends they'll feel bad.

666
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,040
And then they'll go through
the trouble of organizing the whole

667
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,320
surprise birthday party for me.

668
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,040
There's always one person who

669
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,320
is very good at organizing
these surprise birthday parties.

670
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,760
You know who you are right?

671
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:15,840
They are the first people...

672
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,560
they start the WhatsApp group,
and invite people...

673
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,960
then they'll start delegating
responsibilities to people

674
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,840
who don't even wanna come to the party!

675
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:24,320
They'll be like,

676
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,040
"Okay you bring the booze."

677
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:25,680
"You bring the balloons."

678
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:26,280
"You bring the cake."

679
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,920
"I don't even know who's
birthday it is, dude."

680
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,360
I don't like these
surprise birthday parties

681
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,520
being thrown for me, personally because

682
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,080
it's in my own house and
I get too awkward you know.

683
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,680
I'm the center of
attention in my own house.

684
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:38,080
And I don't like it.

685
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,120
But I realized some people

686
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,320
do like these surprise birthday
parties being thrown for them.

687
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,200
And I realized why they like it, you know,

688
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,000
these people, they just wanna know

689
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,480
how many people have
gone through the trouble

690
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,520
of getting out of their
house in the middle of the night...

691
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,080
and getting dressed and
taking a cab there.

692
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,840
There's work the next day...

693
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:54,800
and they come to your house

694
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,480
they hide in the dark behind furniture
uncomfortably

695
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,720
thinking you're there,
"Surprise. Oh no."

696
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,040
"Surprise. Oh no, it's not him."

697
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,440
They just want how
much inconvenience

698
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,040
everyone has been
through to be there for them okay?

699
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,560
And then they will act like
they don't even like it.

700
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,040
They'll be like,
"Oh my god, you guys shouldn't have!"

701
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,200
"But good you did."

702
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,040
"On a weekday you guys came?"

703
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,440
"No, that's so inconvenient!"

704
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,360
"I love it."

705
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,080
"How inconvenient was it,
guys, for you guys?"

706
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,040
"Actually I.."

707
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,320
"I have a flight early in the
morning so I won't get enough sleep."

708
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,560
"Oh no.."

709
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,960
"That's so inconvenient."

710
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,840
"I love it."

711
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,920
"Actually I left my own
birthday party to come here."

712
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,360
"Stop it."

713
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,280
Last year, my friends
threw me this surprise party.

714
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,040
But I kinda saw the party coming.

715
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,520
You see the first sign
that gave it away was

716
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,720
there was this one guy

717
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,680
who is assigned to hangout with me

718
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,560
in the second half of the day,

719
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,680
so that I don't go back to my own house

720
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,240
because that's where the
surprise party is.

721
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,720
Already I was like,
"why is this guy hanging out with me?"

722
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:03,040
Secondly,

723
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,600
he was trying so hard
to keep me from going back...

724
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,760
that it looked like he
was coming onto me, alright?

725
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,840
Looked like he was hitting on me, dude!

726
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:11,040
Every time I was like,

727
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,280
"Dude, it's 7:30, I'm gonna go."

728
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,040
"Dude...

729
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,040
It's just 7:30, dude."

730
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,040
"Why don't we go for some dinner, dude.
You and me?"

731
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:25,320
"Cool."

732
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,040
We go out for dinner,
we finish the dinner, alright.

733
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,560
Now I'm like,
"Alright it's 9:30, I've to go."

734
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,800
"Dude, it's only 9:30, dude."

735
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,040
"Dude, when's the last time
you and I went out for a nice walk huh?"

736
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:39,120
"Cool."

737
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,800
We go on the small little long walk.

738
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,440
We finish the small little long walk.

739
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,200
Now, he has to come back to my house

740
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:46,800
because that's where the party is, right?

741
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:47,800
So he's just like,

742
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:48,960
"Dude...

743
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,120
why don't I come over
to your place after this, huh?"

744
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,080
"No bro!"

745
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:01,920
It was too awkward.

746
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,440
The other thing that gave it away

747
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,040
that there's a surprise
birthday party coming,

748
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,040
is basic Indian manners.

749
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,520
Basic Indian manners gave it away, okay?

750
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,840
Because as I approached my house...

751
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,040
I saw twenty pairs
of shoes outside my door.

752
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,760
I was like, "Ohh!"

753
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,840
He was like, "Ahhh."

754
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,200
"Either these are
very polite burglars, or.."

755
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:27,080
So I go inside,
they are all like 'Surprise!'

756
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,840
And I'm like, "Oh yeah, totally."
[fakes laughter]

757
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:31,120
Aah man.

758
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,040
The worst part of this
whole party man. My..

759
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,280
My friend who organized this
she called all my old friends,

760
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:37,480
and all my new friends

761
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,720
and put them in one place.

762
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,320
You know how many years
I've avoided this shit?

763
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,600
Both groups are just standing
around judging each other.

764
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:47,480
No one's interacting.

765
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:48,360
Just judging.

766
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,280
All my old friends are like,

767
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,240
"Ugh, these are your new friends, huh?

768
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,760
"They are not that much fun, dude."

769
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,200
"I feel like we had a lot
more fun when we were younger."

770
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,760
"Remember when we were
younger we had a lot more fun?"

771
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,240
"Yeah, we were in third standard dude."

772
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,240
All my new friends are like,

773
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:04,600
"Dude who knows you better, huh?"

774
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,760
"Your old friends or your new friends?"

775
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,120
"Huh? Who really knows you on the inside?"

776
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,080
"Your old friends or your new friends?"

777
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,040
"Huh, your old friends
or your new friends?"

778
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,680
I wish I had no friends right now.

779
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,040
And the cake comes out,
and I cut the cake...

780
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,440
and then now I have to feed someone

781
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:15,760
but I don't know who

782
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,040
to feed first.

783
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,040
Because apparently
the first person you feed

784
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,840
is the most important
person in your life, right?

785
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:21,480
So I'm just like,

786
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,000
"You're, you're.."

787
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,040
" Rajesh... Rahul... Shreyas."

788
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,120
I just wanna be one of those
brides who come out the Church...

789
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,960
"Whoever catches it,
you are my best friend.", and I throw it!

790
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,480
That's what I wanted to do man.

791
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,840
How do they repay you after
this gentle act of kindness?

792
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,960
They take that cake and
they smash it in your face.

793
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,040
How is that funny?

794
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:42,800
Why...

795
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:44,520
do people still do this?
I don't know.

796
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,000
I feel that the only
reason that they still do this

797
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,120
is because you know its your birthday.

798
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,240
You can't get pissed
off on your birthday, dude.

799
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,040
And they take advantage of that shit.

800
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,200
On any regular day

801
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,440
if some guy just took
the dessert you were eating

802
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,000
and smashed it!

803
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:58,440
You'll be like

804
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,600
"Dude, I'm gonna murder
your whole family after this."

805
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,800
"I was happily eating that falooda,
nicely you smashed."

806
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:11,920
Now you are standing
with that cake in your face.

807
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,960
You know that fake smile you do
with the cake in your face, like,

808
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,200
[Fakes laughter]
"No, it's fine."

809
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:16,920
"Oh yeah yeah, no it's fine."

810
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,280
"I'm cool with it, yeah I'm cool."

811
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:20,920
"What is there ginger in this cake?"

812
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:21,920
"Why is it burning?"

813
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,960
"Why is it burning?"

814
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,760
Urrghh'
[Screams in pain]

815
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,760
Just too awkward
this whole birthday party.

816
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:30,680
It's usually

817
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,200
just an awkward affair.

818
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,000
I just want a birthday party
where the party is already awesome

819
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,080
by the time I get there.

820
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,120
It should be an awesome banging party.

821
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,480
So I feel like I'm want to get in there

822
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:40,760
it should be an awesome party.

823
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:41,800
As I open the door,

824
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,040
cops should be arresting everybody already...

825
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,040
there's a drug raid
happening in my bathroom...

826
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,240
there's a guy who's been stabbed!

827
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,200
And he's like, "Bro!"

828
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:50,560
I'm like "What bro?"

829
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:51,680
"Bro!"

830
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:53,760
"What bro?"

831
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:57,040
"Surprise..aahh."

832
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,000
But a guy is still like raging.

833
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,680
He's like, "C'mon guys,
After party is in the jail!

834
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,040
Now we go to the jail and then we all get

835
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,000
beaten up and thrashed over there

836
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:07,040
and everyone's crying

837
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,600
because we've lost our jobs

838
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,280
our faces are in the newspaper

839
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,800
our parents have disowned us

840
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,040
and everyone's just like sad

841
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:13,600
and I'm just like,

842
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,360
"Oh my god, this is so inconvenient."

843
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,200
"I love it!"

844
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:25,520
Alright.

845
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:26,800
I'm gonna keep this relatable. Alright?

846
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:28,040
This next joke is

847
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:29,960
I hope this is relatable

848
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,520
I shouldn't be trying out something new.

849
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,040
But I'm gonna...

850
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,080
Okay, just tell me if this is relatable

851
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:35,520
You guys all brush your teeth, yeah?

852
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:36,840
Yeah?

853
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:37,600
Okay, already relatable.

854
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,440
Awesome, awesome

855
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:39,240
Okay, fine.

856
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:40,760
Do you guys ever go
into the bathroom sometimes

857
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,120
to brush your teeth
but when you're putting toothpaste

858
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,680
too much toothpaste comes out?

859
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:44,440
And you're like,

860
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,360
Damn it, that's too much toothpaste dude.

861
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:52,960
But then you're like,

862
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,040
Hey screw it, let’s go crazy today man!
Woooo!

863
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,040
You're like, "Yeah!"

864
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,800
As you bring up, the paste falls off

865
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,000
and you're like
"No!"

866
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,120
"No!"

867
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:06,480
"No..."

868
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,040
"That's like, three
days worth of paste bro."

869
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:12,680
[Sighs]

870
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:14,360
But then you think,
"Okay, whatever, screw it."

871
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,080
And then you open the
tap and try to wash it down.

872
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:16,840
But it doesn't go down

873
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,480
because the paste is too thick and heavy

874
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:19,920
it's still sticking there.

875
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,520
Now you have to use
your finger to push it down.

876
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:22,720
Like, "Yuck yuck yuck yuck..."

877
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,040
"Yuck yuck yuck yuck!"

878
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,520
Relatable, yeah?
Relatable, yeah?

879
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:27,920
Yeah, oh, oh awesome.

880
00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:29,040
You're pushing it down.

881
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:29,800
You push it down to the drain but

882
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:30,920
it still doesn't go into the drain

883
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,600
because the drain holes are too small

884
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:34,040
it's just lying down there

885
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:35,120
like one unloved child like,

886
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,120
"Why are you doing this?"

887
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,000
And you're like,
"You're a mistake."

888
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:41,480
You open the tap some more

889
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,280
and pour some more water

890
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,000
use your hand to wishy-washy it.

891
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,440
You're trying to wishy-washy it.

892
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:46,200
And the paste is just like,

893
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,000
"Aaaaa!"
[Screams in sadness]

894
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:47,720
You know

895
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,440
And you think, whatever!

896
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,680
And you put more paste

897
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:52,240
and you brush your teeth
you come back the next day

898
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,040
the paste is still lying down there.

899
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,680
Relatable, right?

900
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,520
Come back the next day the
paste is still lying down there.

901
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,440
Come back the next day the
paste is still lying down there.

902
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,920
Everyday you come back the
paste is just lying down there.

903
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,040
It's just lying down there
like this

904
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,080
one mistake that you made

905
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,560
that will never go away.

906
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:13,760
And that...

907
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,320
reminds you of all the other
mistakes you made in your life.

908
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,040
That girl you left, was that a mistake?

909
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:25,560
That job you said 'no' to...

910
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:28,360
Someone else took it.

911
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,040
Was that a mistake?

912
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:33,840
That time you didn't
visit your grandfather

913
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:34,720
and it was too late.

914
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:36,360
Was that a mistake?

915
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,120
You can't fix those mistakes.

916
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,280
But you can fix this mistake.

917
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,200
You can fix it.

918
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:57,560
Urrgh!'
[Audience shrieks with disgust]

919
00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:58,600
[Gagging Sound]

920
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,200
So this is relatable, right yeah?

921
00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:01,560
No?

922
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:27,800
Okay.

923
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,000
[Mumbles]

924
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:34,320
Where to leave?

925
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:39,600
Yeah, hello.

926
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:41,960
How are you all doing today?

927
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,520
Thank you very much for
the opportunity to perform in the

928
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:48,920
middle of the show.

929
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,000
Thank you

930
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,360
I know you are all looking like,

931
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:55,280
"What suddenly"

932
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:56,840
"like what weird."

933
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:00,520
So different.

934
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:04,040
So thank you all.

935
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:05,840
My name is Xavier Pandian.

936
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:06,720
That's...

937
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:09,200
Xavier with an X in the beginning.

938
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,040
Because as you all
know there are some words.

939
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:14,560
That is starting with a X.

940
00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:16,920
But is pronounced with a 'Juh' sound.

941
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:18,200
Like...

942
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:19,680
Xerox

943
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:29,200
Zebra

944
00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:32,280
Et cetera

945
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:33,320
So..

946
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:36,040
So..

947
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:40,040
Okay, so now I will start
with some relatable jokes.

948
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:41,240
Because I heard

949
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,840
I've been told to only do relatable jokes.

950
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,320
Has anyone here been to an airport?

951
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:47,200
Yeah?

952
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:49,760
Okay don't show off.

953
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:53,360
Yeah, so

954
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,000
I went to airport once
and there there was a sign.

955
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,040
It says, 'No sharp objects allowed.'

956
00:30:58,040 --> 00:30:59,520
I said, "Oh okay, fine."

957
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:01,760
Then it says, 'No liquids allowed.'

958
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,360
And I said, "Okay fine."

959
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:06,040
Then it says, 'No explosives allowed.'

960
00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:08,120
No explosives?

961
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:10,240
But what about my personality?

962
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,920
[Indistinct words]

963
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,080
Okay weird

964
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,800
So what's with...

965
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,880
what's with all these queues
in the airport am I right?

966
00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:34,680
There is a line to get into the airport.

967
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,680
There is line to get the boarding pass.

968
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:40,040
There is a line to get to the bus.

969
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:41,960
Then there is a line
to get into the plane.

970
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,880
Then there is a line to get to the seat.

971
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,480
Then there is a line to get outside.

972
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,760
Then there is a line
to get on the bus again.

973
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:49,480
I mean...

974
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,480
I know you're called Air LINES' !

975
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:01,040
Can you air-relax man?

976
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:07,280
Yeah.

977
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:09,360
Weird.

978
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:12,480
Okay so...

979
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:16,600
Yeah, when I took a flight
I had actually gone to USA.

980
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:18,040
Has anyone here been to the USA?

981
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:20,320
Okay, don't show off.

982
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,760
So I went to USA and that you've heard
they have a tipping culture yeah.

983
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,480
You always have to leave a tip
where ever you go.

984
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,040
And I actually one day,
I went to a diner for breakfast and...

985
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:35,520
Why are you laughing?

986
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,600
So, yeah. I went to a diner
for breakfast there, there..

987
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,920
I ordered some juice and such

988
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,840
and then there the dishes came
and then the check came.

989
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,840
And the check said 24 dollars,
I said, "Oh. Wow!"

990
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:50,680
Then it said tip,

991
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,520
so I wrote,
"Work hard and believe in yourself."

992
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:00,320
Okay so...

993
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,040
Okay let's do some...

994
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:04,800
let's do some WhatsApp jokes yeah?

995
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,040
What's with all these family
WhatsApp groups, am I right?

996
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,320
Every morning same message they send.

997
00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:14,240
Every morning same message.

998
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,360
"Hey Xavier,
stop sending good morning message man."

999
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:28,280
"Sorry, I try to keep
in touch with Grandma. Sorry."

1000
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,920
What's with all these
WhatsApp friends groups am I right?

1001
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,360
Every time they forget
to add you in the new group, right?

1002
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,760
Now you have to bug them, beg them..bug them.

1003
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,560
Like, "Hey idiots, don't forget
to add me in the group dudes."

1004
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:46,720
Then they add you.

1005
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,000
Then everybody leaves the group, am I right?

1006
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,440
"What are you thinking?"

1007
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,240
Now they start the new group.

1008
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:55,040
So again you say,

1009
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,000
"Hello idiot, add me in the new group."

1010
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:01,120
Then they're like,
"Hey Xavier, can't you get the message?"

1011
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:04,960
I said, "No,
because you didn't add me to the group!"

1012
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:09,680
Weird.

1013
00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,360
Weird.

1014
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,040
Weird.

1015
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,200
So lastly I will do some
improvisational humor, okay?

1016
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:20,840
You know improvisational humor?

1017
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:21,720
Yeah?

1018
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:22,080
[Audience: Yeah]

1019
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:22,680
Yeah?

1020
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,200
Okay, don't show off.

1021
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,720
So... okay.

1022
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,080
I need a word of suggestion
from the audience.

1023
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:29,760
Any word?

1024
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:30,240
[Audience: Elephant]

1025
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:31,040
Elephant?

1026
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,040
[Indistinct words]

1027
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,520
Okay, any fruit related words?

1028
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,480
[Audience: Lemon. Strawberry, watermelon]

1029
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:44,280
Watermelon?

1030
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:47,040
Grapefruit?

1031
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:48,680
Muskmelon

1032
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:49,920
Like muskmelon but...

1033
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:50,960
it rhymes with

1034
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:53,200
Ha Ha Ya

1035
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:56,200
[Audience: Papaya]

1036
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:57,360
Papaya?
Okay, yeah okay.

1037
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:58,360
Let's try that.

1038
00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:01,080
Okay here we go.

1039
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:02,480
Papaya jokes

1040
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,800
Okay, so here's an improve joke on papaya.

1041
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,080
Okay

1042
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:10,320
So one day a father ask his son,

1043
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:12,520
"Son, what you want to study in college?"

1044
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:13,760
And the son says,

1045
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,240
"Pappa, I want to study sociology."

1046
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:17,120
And the pappa says,

1047
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:18,040
"Sociology?"

1048
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,360
"Are you sure you don't
want to study engineering?"

1049
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:21,040
And he says,

1050
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:22,960
"Pappa, No."

1051
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,040
And then he says,

1052
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:26,120
"Are you sure...

1053
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:28,240
Then he says...

1054
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:34,480
Okay then he says

1055
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,600
"Are you sure you don't
want to study computer science?"

1056
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:39,040
And he says, "Pappa no"

1057
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,240
Then he says,

1058
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,120
"Are you sure you don't
want to study mathematics?"

1059
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:56,080
He says, "Pappa No."

1060
00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:56,680
Then he says,

1061
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:59,480
"Are you sure you want
to study only sociology?"

1062
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:00,920
And he says, "Yes pappa."

1063
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:01,920
"Oh no what?!"

1064
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:02,960
"Pappa yeah."

1065
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:03,240
"No"

1066
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:03,840
"Pa pa yeah"

1067
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:04,680
"Oh no."

1068
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,240
I learnt swimming
in this summer swimming camp.

1069
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,560
I learnt in a summer swimming camp
when I was like a little baby alright!

1070
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:23,240
Little small boy I was.

1071
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,120
And..

1072
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,960
We didn't have a swimming coach
as much as a..

1073
00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:28,080
attempted child murderer.

1074
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,040
Cause this guy's idea of teaching
swimming to children was

1075
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,000
to throw them in the deep
end of the pool

1076
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:35,440
and wait for their instincts to kick in.

1077
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:37,040
And he will be like,

1078
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:38,840
"Yeah, it's old school huh!
It's old school!

1079
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:40,440
Instincts will come huh,
it's old school."

1080
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,040
Yeah, we're not a school of freaking fish, dude.

1081
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:44,000
What instincts will come dude?

1082
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,360
And you know, he will justify it.

1083
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,600
"Ah, this generation all waste,
waste generation.

1084
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,040
When I was a baby my daddy
just threw me into the well!

1085
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:55,040
He threw you?

1086
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,520
Yea, he just threw me when I was
a baby into the well. He just threw me..."

1087
00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,280
I think your Dad is an alcoholic dude.

1088
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,560
One time, I think I saw one of my friends,

1089
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:03,920
he looked like he was drowning in the pool

1090
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,280
because he was trying to say something,
whenever he got out he was like,

1091
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,480
"I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1092
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:10,600
I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1093
00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:11,920
I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1094
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:12,840
What are you swallowing, dude?

1095
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:14,680
I am swallowing a lot of water...
[gurgles]

1096
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:16,280
Then just say help no, dude?
Why are you...

1097
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:18,920
Why is he beating around the bush?

1098
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,480
I am swallowing a lot of water, water!!...

1099
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:23,560
Water...

1100
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,040
This is not a railway station dude,
relax.

1101
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,040
Biryani...Biryani...

1102
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:30,040
Tomato soup!

1103
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:35,080
But... I still have to help him.

1104
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,520
I stuck my hand out for him to reach,
and he couldn't reach my hand

1105
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:38,760
so I stuck out my leg to pull

1106
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,840
and he pulled my leg and me inside.

1107
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,000
Now there's two kids drowning in the pool.

1108
00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:45,480
We are empathizing so hard
we are finishing each others sentences.

1109
00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:46,520
"I am swallowing a lot of,"

1110
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,360
"Water!"

1111
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:53,280
So this guy was trying to drown me

1112
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:55,360
and I said screw this guy and I kicked him, alright!

1113
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,600
And in the momentum of that kick,
I started black floating.

1114
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,040
Oh! This is a thing, oh...

1115
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:03,040
Okay...

1116
00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:05,960
Cool.

1117
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:06,960
But swimming coach is like

1118
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,480
Hello Idiot, what are you doing?
That's not swimming!

1119
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:09,800
Yeah, but I'm surviving though.

1120
00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:13,440
Chilling and surviving!

1121
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:16,480
Now, when I got out of the pool
I was so excited

1122
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,040
I wanted to tell all my friends
about this shit, right.

1123
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,080
So I was like, "Guys, next time
he throws you inside a pool.

1124
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:21,960
Just kinda fill your lungs with air

1125
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,760
and your stomach with air
just kind of float on your back.

1126
00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,000
Now there's 30 kids on their back,
all lying motionless just...

1127
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:34,800
When someone will come to the pool,
it'll look like

1128
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:36,360
there's 30 dead kids in the pool.

1129
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:38,920
Just dead with their eyes open.

1130
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,760
These kids, they didn't even
know how to move their body

1131
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,760
they didn't know how to change direction
when they were floating.

1132
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,280
It's like they were stuck
in space or some shit.

1133
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,120
The only way they knew to change direction
is if they came next to another kid,

1134
00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:52,800
They'll kick that kid... Woop!

1135
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:54,560
They'll get out.

1136
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:59,200
Never had much luck
with these summer camps.

1137
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:00,720
Yeah I'd joined another summer camp

1138
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,280
when I was in eleventh grade.

1139
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:05,600
Thing is I watched
this Bruce Lee movie okay.

1140
00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:07,240
And I wanted..
to learn some of that shit.

1141
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:07,920
You know that

1142
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:08,720
Kachaak'
[Imitates smacking sound]

1143
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:10,040
Wataak! You know that.

1144
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,320
You know they touch
you in that sensitive place.

1145
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:12,360
Wataak! And then one...

1146
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:14,120
Touch you on your love handle, Kotaaak!

1147
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:15,360
"No, that's sensitive, dude."

1148
00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:18,720
I wanted to learn some of that shit.

1149
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,960
And I actually went
to join this Kung Fu academy in Coimbatore

1150
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:22,040
it was called

1151
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,320
Shankar Master Kung Fu Academy'

1152
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,040
Taekwondo and Kung Fu!'

1153
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:30,120
"Taekwondo, c'mon!"

1154
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:31,800
And I went there.

1155
00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,120
And

1156
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:34,800
I realized they weren't
teaching you Kung Fu.

1157
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:36,040
You just have to watch people do Kung Fu.

1158
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,560
You have to figure it out for yourself.

1159
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,480
And I remember going in there
on the first day.

1160
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:40,360
And I was watching this guy.

1161
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:41,280
He was stretching his hands

1162
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:42,280
so even I was stretching my hand.

1163
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:43,600
And he was stretching his neck

1164
00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:45,040
so even I am like.
Okay even I'll stretch my neck.

1165
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,040
He started stretching his leg.

1166
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,040
And I can stretch my
leg about this much, right?

1167
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:48,560
He took his leg.

1168
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:50,360
He started spinning it around and shit.

1169
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,600
"Dude, are you a GI Joe
or helicopter or what dude?"

1170
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:53,200
"Huh?"

1171
00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:55,040
"Have you heard of the
concept of a groin or what dude?"

1172
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:56,040
"Dude, how you are doing that?"

1173
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:57,800
"How are you doing it with a groin dude?"

1174
00:39:58,080 --> 00:39:59,000
Kung Fu master is like,

1175
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:00,040
"Hello idiot, why you not stretching?"

1176
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,040
"Sir, by mistake I brought
my groin and came, sir."

1177
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,040
"I did not know I am supposed
to keep my groin at home sir."

1178
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,760
"Is there a groin locker where
I can keep my groin somewhere?"

1179
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:09,680
He's like,

1180
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:10,440
"Come, we'll fix it."

1181
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:11,040
I was like,
"Huh?"

1182
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:13,520
"Means what?"

1183
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:16,040
He made me sit down.

1184
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:16,800
And this actually happened.

1185
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,120
He made me sit down on the ground.

1186
00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:20,000
He made me spread my legs out okay..

1187
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:21,040
Wide

1188
00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:23,040
And he started pulling,

1189
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:24,040
this leg out this way.

1190
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:25,040
And this helicopter fellow

1191
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,800
he started pulling my other leg that way.

1192
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:27,360
And I was just like,

1193
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:29,600
"Aaah" [Moans in pain]

1194
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,720
"Aaah" [Moans in pain]

1195
00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:36,480
"Something is breaking inside I think."

1196
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:40,040
"Am I losing my virginity right now?"

1197
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,320
"Is this how it happens?"

1198
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:46,680
He's like,
"No you'll feel more flexible tomorrow."

1199
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:49,040
"But I'm feeling very
violated now dude!!!"

1200
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:51,760
After he deflowered me,

1201
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,440
he made me get up...

1202
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:55,520
Didn't even buy me a drink.

1203
00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:57,480
"Okay now everyone start
doing animal punches."

1204
00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:58,800
"Everyone start doing tiger punch."

1205
00:40:59,040 --> 00:40:59,440
"C'mon." And

1206
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:00,320
I don't know what a tiger punch is.

1207
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,480
I am like,
"Dude, what's a tiger punch?"

1208
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:02,720
Alright
But it sounded cool, right.

1209
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:04,680
I'm like finally something
cool that I can learn

1210
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,440
that I can use against bullies and stuff.

1211
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:08,040
Some Bruce Lee shit, tiger punch, right?

1212
00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:09,120
And I ask him,
"What's this tiger punch?"

1213
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:10,040
He's like,
"You have to bend your knee."

1214
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,040
Okay I bend my knee.

1215
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:12,120
"Then you have to make a tiger claw."

1216
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:13,040
Make a tiger claw.

1217
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:14,040
"Now you have to make a tiger sound."

1218
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:14,760
I'm like,
"Huh?"

1219
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:17,480
And everyone just keeps
casually going like,

1220
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,040
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1221
00:41:19,240 --> 00:41:20,600
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1222
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:22,040
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1223
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,080
And I'm like,
"No bro."

1224
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:25,960
"No bro."

1225
00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:28,040
Next
I swear he...

1226
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:30,040
Next, last punch he
actually made us do this.

1227
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:31,600
He said,
"Everyone start doing snake punch."

1228
00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:32,040
"C'mon."

1229
00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:32,360
"Snake punch."

1230
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:33,200
I am like,
"What?"

1231
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:34,040
"What are they punching with...

1232
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:35,040
...these snakes?"

1233
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:36,920
"Snakes don't have hands."

1234
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:37,760
But everyone just goes,

1235
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:40,040
Kzzissh..Kzzissh.'
[Imitates hissing sound]

1236
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:41,040
But I get creative right?

1237
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,200
So I am like,
"Oh, I'm a rattle snake."

1238
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:43,520
Kurrrr.'
[Imitates rattling sound]

1239
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:44,840
Kurrrr.'
[Imitates rattling sound]

1240
00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:46,280
"Idiot which snake is this?"

1241
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:47,240
"Sir. Rattle snake sir."

1242
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:48,320
"No, only Indian snakes."

1243
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:49,600
"Umm..Cobra!"

1244
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:50,680
"Cobra."

1245
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:51,560
"Cobra..spit!"

1246
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,040
"Venom!"

1247
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:54,040
"Venom spit"

1248
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,480
He's like,
"Hey idiot, don't spit."

1249
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:57,920
"Use your hands."

1250
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,360
"Uh. Spit, venom."

1251
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:00,520
"In your face."

1252
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,040
"You are blind now, master."

1253
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:02,760
"Shankar."

1254
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:03,440
"Blind venom."

1255
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,440
"Suck it out now sir, please."

1256
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:11,080
You know but I

1257
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:12,040
I kinda.

1258
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,280
You know I feel bad for these coaches,
these teachers.

1259
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:16,040
because I kinda empathize
with them actually.

1260
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:17,000
Because...

1261
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:18,360
I was a..

1262
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:19,360
I was a teacher myself.

1263
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:20,920
At one point of time in my life.

1264
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:23,040
Right here in Bangalore in fact...

1265
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,040
When I was in college

1266
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,040
I actually joined this NGO

1267
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:28,840
that taught underprivileged children, English.

1268
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:30,520
Yeah

1269
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:31,560
[Audience hoots]

1270
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:32,320
Right when I was in college...

1271
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:33,040
I know

1272
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,800
What am I an angel or something?

1273
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:39,040
Stop it!

1274
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:40,760
Stop it!

1275
00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,600
I know!

1276
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:45,320
Yeah, it was a real NGO.

1277
00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:46,600
I actually taught over here.

1278
00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,120
And I was all up in my head about it.
I was like,

1279
00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:50,360
"Man, at such a young
age I am doing social work?"

1280
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:51,040
"Wow."

1281
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,960
"They are going to make
me a movie about me one day."

1282
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:56,240
"Mr. Empathy, the Naveen Richard story."

1283
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:57,320
"Starring.."

1284
00:42:58,120 --> 00:42:59,080
"Benedict Cumberbatch"

1285
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:00,720
You know..

1286
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:02,600
And they're going
to interview him one day.

1287
00:43:02,720 --> 00:43:03,520
They'll be like,
"Mr.Cumberbatch.."

1288
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:07,040
"How do you..get into the
skin of Naveen Richard's character?"

1289
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,040
"Well, how do you relate to someone.."

1290
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,560
"so profoundly empathetic
as Naveen Richard?"

1291
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,520
"I booked myself a first
class ticket to his hometown."

1292
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:16,560
"And, of course all my
luggage was in plastic bags."

1293
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,720
"I got my ass handed to me
by Shankar Master himself, in fact."

1294
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:23,840
I was damn excited.

1295
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:24,280
Here's the thing,

1296
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,040
I thought I am going to
be one of those teachers who

1297
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,000
wins the kids over with love and empathy.

1298
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:28,560
But here's the thing,

1299
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:29,920
these kids, they..

1300
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,720
They grew up around poverty and violence..

1301
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:35,440
When you grow up around
those kinda conditions,

1302
00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:37,320
you don't understand love and empathy,

1303
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:38,600
you only understand..violence.

1304
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:41,560
Okay, so when I went
there on that first day,

1305
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:42,120
just,

1306
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,040
just fully vulnerable..like a...

1307
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:46,040
Vulnerable Vimala

1308
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:47,440
I just went in there

1309
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,440
opened my heart out to them like

1310
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:52,040
"I'm more than a teacher,
I am a unicorn!"

1311
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,720
They rode my ass like one local bus, dude.

1312
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:01,200
Literally!

1313
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,120
I thought I'll
give them a piggy back ride one by one,

1314
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,280
but all ten of them jumped
on me at the same time!

1315
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:07,200
They were just disrespecting me.

1316
00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:08,560
Constantly disrespecting me.

1317
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:09,040
And..

1318
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:10,560
Here's the thing,
I wanted to hit them.

1319
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:11,080
Alright?

1320
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:12,720
I wanted to hit them.

1321
00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:14,000
And the thing is,
I have been hit.

1322
00:44:14,240 --> 00:44:14,560
Growing up.

1323
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:15,080
I'm sure you've been hit.

1324
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:16,560
Make some noise,
been hit, growing up?

1325
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,040
[Audience cheers loudly]

1326
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:19,120
Hit by hand, make some noise.

1327
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,840
Hit with a stick, make some noise.

1328
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,240
Pushed out of moving car, make some noise.

1329
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:25,680
Just me and you.

1330
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:26,440
Alright buddy.

1331
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:28,600
My condolences.

1332
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:31,440
My parents would always hit me.

1333
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,360
You know,
my mom would hit me before the exam

1334
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:34,920
to make sure I pass the exam.

1335
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,360
My dad would hit me after the exam
because I failed the exam.

1336
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,680
It was just a vicious
cycle of hitting man.

1337
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:43,440
Wanted to freakin' hit those kids.

1338
00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:45,480
I couldn't hit those kids because

1339
00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:46,960
I worked at an NGO.

1340
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:48,920
That didn't believe in hitting children.

1341
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:51,280
I know.

1342
00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:57,040
I don't know if there's any NGO that
does believe in hitting children though.

1343
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:57,960
Some NGO that's like,

1344
00:44:58,040 --> 00:44:59,360
"Are you feeling bad to hit your child?"

1345
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:00,040
"Send them to us."

1346
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:01,720
"And we will hit them for you!"

1347
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:04,040
"For free because we are an NGO."

1348
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,000
"Hit a kid NGO."
"Donate now."

1349
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:09,440
I feel like there's a market for an NGO

1350
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,480
that hits children though.

1351
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:11,680
I feel like there should be an NGO

1352
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:12,440
that hits children.

1353
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:13,560
because nowadays all these NGOs

1354
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:14,840
they are all trying to do the same thing.

1355
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:16,720
They are all trying to
make underprivileged children

1356
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:18,040
feel better about themselves right?

1357
00:45:18,240 --> 00:45:19,240
But shouldn't there be an NGO

1358
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:20,720
that makes over privileged children

1359
00:45:20,720 --> 00:45:21,760
feel shitty about themselves?

1360
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:23,600
Yeah

1361
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:26,840
That's right.

1362
00:45:27,720 --> 00:45:28,560
Now all these NGOs

1363
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:30,040
they are always trying
to do the same thing again.

1364
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,480
They are all just trying
to take pictures of poor children,

1365
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:33,240
looking happy,

1366
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:35,000
they show that to you,
you feel good right?

1367
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:36,080
Poor children looking happy?

1368
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:37,760
But wouldn't you want
to see a picture of a rich kid

1369
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:38,600
looking sad?

1370
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:40,600
Yeah

1371
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:42,720
You know those kids who

1372
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:46,040
stick their head out of the sunroof
of these expensive cars and drive around?

1373
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:47,320
Yeah imagine that.

1374
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:48,600
But there's a volleyball
hitting their face,

1375
00:45:48,720 --> 00:45:49,360
Fataaaak'
[Imitates smacking sound]

1376
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,040
"Hit a kid NGO. Donate now."

1377
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,440
"Donation accepted
in cash and volleyball."

1378
00:45:56,960 --> 00:45:57,920
I realized,
now here's the thing man

1379
00:45:58,000 --> 00:45:59,360
I didn't have the ending that I wanted.

1380
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:01,440
I didn't want my movie to end on that.

1381
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:04,120
I needed that heart-warm,
bittersweet movie ending.

1382
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:06,240
You know how those movies end
and teacher really connects to them.

1383
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:07,920
So I thought I need
to think out of the box.

1384
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:08,360
So one day,

1385
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:11,440
I actually said this to the kids,
I actually said to the kids,

1386
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:13,120
"Kids, today you can ask
me anything that you want."

1387
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,560
"Outside of these textbooks and
outside of the walls of this orphanage."

1388
00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:17,480
"Anything that you want."

1389
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:20,600
And I thought they'll
ask me something sweet, like...

1390
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:24,840
"Uncle, what's it like to have a family?"

1391
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:27,200
And I'd say, "Well kids...

1392
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:29,040
...let's find out."

1393
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:31,520
And I'd give them a group hug.

1394
00:46:32,360 --> 00:46:34,000
And I'd make them feel like family.

1395
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:36,280
And in this beautiful, bittersweet moment,

1396
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:37,520
the camera would zoom out,

1397
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:39,040
and the credits would roll.

1398
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:42,320
But these kids you know.

1399
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:47,000
Really threw me in the
deep end of the pool that day.

1400
00:46:48,920 --> 00:46:50,040
They actually asked
me these three questions.

1401
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:51,840
I shit you not.

1402
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:53,040
They asked me these three questions.

1403
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:54,320
First, question this kid gets up and asks,

1404
00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:56,320
"Uncle, what does this mean?"

1405
00:46:56,440 --> 00:47:00,000
And he points to a logo that's
on this other kid's t-shirt, right?

1406
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:01,280
And I go and look at that logo.

1407
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:03,040
It's that playboy bunny, alright?

1408
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:05,600
I'm..now..here's the thing,

1409
00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:08,000
I don't wanna start talking
about sex and have my movie

1410
00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:11,560
go from bring some inspirational movie to
some Michael Jackson documentary and shit.

1411
00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:12,680
I don't want that.

1412
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:13,480
So I was just like..

1413
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:14,240
Uh..that..uh..'
[Stammers]

1414
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:17,120
That..uh..buh..that's a bunny.'
[Stammers]

1415
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:18,360
It's a bunny.'

1416
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,600
I'm a unicorn man, I don't know man.'

1417
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:24,560
Please god let it be a sweet...

1418
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:26,560
Just let it be something simple. Right?

1419
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:27,200
This kid gets up.

1420
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:27,960
Another kid gets up.

1421
00:47:28,480 --> 00:47:31,320
"Uncle. If a ghost stands
in front of the mirror,

1422
00:47:31,680 --> 00:47:33,920
can you see the reflection
of the ghost in the mirror?"

1423
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:39,040
This is the most specifically hypothetical
question I've ever been asked.

1424
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:40,280
I've never seen a ghost,

1425
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:42,080
let alone a ghost standing
in front of the mirror, dude.

1426
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,280
Who's this self conscious
ghost that's standing there like,

1427
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:47,040
"Is my skin looking
pale today?" or some shit.

1428
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:49,440
Just God. Just a simple question.

1429
00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:51,240
Please let there be one simple question.

1430
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:53,040
Third question this kid gets up and asks,

1431
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:55,440
"Uncle. Is God real?"

1432
00:47:57,520 --> 00:47:57,960
Yeah!!

1433
00:47:58,600 --> 00:47:59,600
What am I supposed to say?

1434
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,480
If I say no, god is not real,

1435
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:04,480
then it's like I'm starting a
little atheist cult of orphan children.

1436
00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:06,960
But if I say yes, god is real,

1437
00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:08,960
then they'll be like,
"Uncle, which god is real?"

1438
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:10,920
Then I'll say,
"Well, your parents' god is real."

1439
00:48:11,040 --> 00:48:11,280
They'll be like,

1440
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:13,040
"Does that mean his
parents' god is not real?"

1441
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:15,000
Now I don't wanna start
a small mini communal riot

1442
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:15,840
in my classroom.

1443
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:17,320
So I'm just like,

1444
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:19,280
See. No. See ...'

1445
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,000
I have to start making up some shit, right?

1446
00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:23,520
If I say, I have to start
making up some shit like,

1447
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:25,920
"See God is,
see religion, is a construct."

1448
00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:28,360
"It's a kind of a medium
to kind of reach this higher power."

1449
00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:29,560
"This kind of an energy"

1450
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:31,280
"that we cannot connect
to through science."

1451
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:33,720
"Science does not have
technology to connect to this higher power..."

1452
00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:35,760
"But you can feel God and his energy.."

1453
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,000
"Through doing smaller, kinder acts."

1454
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,040
"You know, you could meditate."

1455
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:40,600
"You can help the poor."

1456
00:48:40,720 --> 00:48:42,040
"You can empathize with them."

1457
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:44,320
"You can smell a stranger's
fart and not acknowledge it."

1458
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:46,480
Now I am starting my
own religion basically.

1459
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:48,560
Little cockroach baba cult over here.

1460
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:50,320
Like, "You are all cockroach."

1461
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:52,920
"We are all cockroach."

1462
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:56,920
Now they are going to freakin'
start a whole religion,

1463
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:58,960
preaching my philosophies and shit.

1464
00:48:59,040 --> 00:48:59,760
Stuff like,

1465
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:02,960
"Be careful before
giving hindsight advice."

1466
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:05,480
"If your friend takes
too long in the bathroom,"

1467
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:06,320
"be patient."

1468
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:08,040
"If he takes two days in the bathroom,"

1469
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:10,000
"he has become the patient."

1470
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:15,240
I didn't wanna start a whole religion man.

1471
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:16,240
But I still have to sit and I have to

1472
00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:18,040
answer these questions right?

1473
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:19,080
I am just standing there,

1474
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:23,000
"See god is a,
see god is a, god, see god no, God is...

1475
00:49:23,120 --> 00:49:27,200
God, god is a, god is a,
god, see god is a, god, see, god, see..."

1476
00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:29,120
"I'll tell you what this playboy is,
alright.."

1477
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:39,040
The reason I wanted to do
this special in Bangalore is because,

1478
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:41,480
I realized I relate to you guys more than

1479
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:43,920
almost any other city in the world,
you know?

1480
00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:45,040
There's this connection.

1481
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:45,720
You know what I mean?

1482
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:46,800
Eh. There's this.
You relate.

1483
00:49:46,920 --> 00:49:48,280
We relate to these freakin' jokes man.

1484
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:49,800
I realized,

1485
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:51,360
I've been in Bombay for about three years.

1486
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:52,560
And I like the people there.

1487
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:53,600
It's a freakin' awesome city,

1488
00:49:53,720 --> 00:49:55,040
But I realized I don't relate to them.

1489
00:49:56,040 --> 00:49:57,080
The day I realized that is when

1490
00:49:57,680 --> 00:49:59,960
they tried to make Hindi
the national language.

1491
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:00,960
You remember that?

1492
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:02,000
Yeah

1493
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:03,960
And I looked around for people to resist.

1494
00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:06,520
But all the Bombay people were like,

1495
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:07,480
"Yeah, so what?"

1496
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:09,800
"It's a good thing."

1497
00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,240
"It's a good thing."

1498
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:13,040
I'm like,
"Get lost, you bastard."

1499
00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:14,680
"Hey!"

1500
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:21,000
"Hello Kamal Hassan uncle,
please come and shout at them, please."

1501
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:25,080
They were like,
"No, no, no."

1502
00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:25,800
Then they backtracked.

1503
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:27,600
"No, not national language,
just second language."

1504
00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:29,040
"Make it a compulsory second language."

1505
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:30,480
And I'm like,
"It doesn't help shit."

1506
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:32,320
I've learned second language
Hindi my whole life.

1507
00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:34,240
You guys have all studied
second language Hindi, yeah?

1508
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:35,640
It doesn't, it doesn't help.

1509
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:36,960
Because when you have
time to sit and think

1510
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:38,800
and write in a second language exam.

1511
00:50:39,040 --> 00:50:39,440
You can be like,

1512
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:42,040
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Mango is my favorite fruit because

1513
00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:43,680
it's very tasty."

1514
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:45,720
"Hence it's my favorite fruit."

1515
00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:46,960
That's the whole composition.

1516
00:50:47,040 --> 00:50:48,280
Just, 'Because blah blah blah,"

1517
00:50:48,280 --> 00:50:49,680
"Hence blah blah blah."

1518
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:52,760
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Because mango is, orange and tasty."

1519
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:53,840
"And hence,"

1520
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:55,240
"Mango is tasty and orange."

1521
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:56,120
"Because"

1522
00:50:56,520 --> 00:50:58,000
"hence, since it's orange."

1523
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:00,040
"Mango is on the tree."

1524
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:00,760
"Hence,"

1525
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:01,840
"favorite"

1526
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:03,760
"Because"

1527
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:08,040
"during the hot hot season."

1528
00:51:08,120 --> 00:51:09,840
"hence...because...hot hot."

1529
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:12,960
"Mango is tasty."

1530
00:51:14,680 --> 00:51:15,200
You won't relate man.

1531
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:15,960
And that's the thing,

1532
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:17,040
when you are in a practical situation

1533
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:18,280
I realized it doesn't actually help.

1534
00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:20,600
Because one time I was
actually driving..in Bombay.

1535
00:51:20,720 --> 00:51:21,960
And I stopped at a signal.

1536
00:51:22,040 --> 00:51:23,080
And this one cycle guy

1537
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:24,000
hit my rear view mirror.

1538
00:51:24,040 --> 00:51:25,000
And then I was so mad.

1539
00:51:25,040 --> 00:51:26,320
And I thought,
okay, think about all the compositions.

1540
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:29,000
and all the non detailed stories,
and all the Kabir

1541
00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:31,080
And all the "What you have to do today,
do it today, tomorrow you will do when?"

1542
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:31,840
Whatever the hell.

1543
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:33,240
I thought about all that.

1544
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:34,320
I thought about all that.

1545
00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:36,040
Processing all of that.

1546
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:37,280
And the only thing that came out is

1547
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:38,320
"Come on man!"

1548
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:41,080
"Man!!!"

1549
00:51:42,440 --> 00:51:44,000
"Ugh..man man."

1550
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:45,760
"Just man, man."

1551
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:47,920
People were very sweet.

1552
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:48,840
They were like
"What happened?"

1553
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:52,200
"Nothing man, that man
hit my man, man!!"

1554
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:00,240
Doesn't actually help man.

1555
00:52:00,320 --> 00:52:02,600
This other time I actually
ordered a cab okay,

1556
00:52:02,720 --> 00:52:04,840
and this hatchback came.

1557
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,040
And it had this tall back door.

1558
00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:08,480
You've seen these cabs
with these tall back doors?

1559
00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:09,040
It's much taller than you,

1560
00:52:09,120 --> 00:52:11,040
it looks like a swan neck
or something to me you know?

1561
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:12,520
And I didn't realize how tall it was.

1562
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:13,960
So when I opened
I hit myself with it.

1563
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:14,840
Fataak'
I hit myself.

1564
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:15,480
I cut my lip.

1565
00:52:15,560 --> 00:52:16,360
And I was just so mad,

1566
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:17,280
I didn't know what I was saying,

1567
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:18,360
I was just saying something like,

1568
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:19,040
"Brother,

1569
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:21,040
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Why is your car's door like this

1570
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:24,760
"Like a swan neck or something."

1571
00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:26,680
"You know swan?"

1572
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:28,760
"Like the ugly duckling that grew up."

1573
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:30,240
"And learned that beautiful
comes from the inside,"

1574
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:31,440
"and not from the outside,"

1575
00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:32,800
"Ugly, ugly."

1576
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:34,720
"The opposite of beautiful."

1577
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:40,000
"Duckling!
Like the animal that goes quack quack!"

1578
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:41,720
"You know, like the pigeon."

1579
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:42,600
"But this one's in the water."

1580
00:52:42,720 --> 00:52:44,040
"It's like a water pigeon."

1581
00:52:44,320 --> 00:52:47,080
"Goes on water and land as well."

1582
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:49,520
"And sometimes sometimes flies when it gets cold,"

1583
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:52,920
"during sweater wearing season,
it travels down South,"

1584
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:55,320
"opposite of the equator."

1585
00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:56,040
"And hence...."

1586
00:52:56,120 --> 00:52:57,280
"Why is your door like this?"

1587
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:00,360
"I opened it a little too fast and now,"

1588
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:01,480
"It's cut my lips."

1589
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:02,080
"Lips you know,"

1590
00:53:02,200 --> 00:53:03,080
"The thing you kiss with."

1591
00:53:03,520 --> 00:53:05,120
"Just like this"

1592
00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:07,040
"Put it..."

1593
00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:07,480
"Pleasure toy"

1594
00:53:07,520 --> 00:53:08,200
"Cooking oil"

1595
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:08,680
"Put it"

1596
00:53:08,720 --> 00:53:09,080
"Put it sir"

1597
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:09,840
"Put it"

1598
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:10,760
"Full"

1599
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:12,040
"Red is coming, sir"

1600
00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:13,200
"What's this?"

1601
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:16,080
"Would you happen to
have some ice on you sir?"

1602
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:19,040
He did not have any ice,

1603
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:20,080
so he drove a little bit ahead

1604
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:21,440
stopped in the middle of the road.

1605
00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:22,960
He said,
"You'll find it there."

1606
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:23,360
I'm like, "Where?"

1607
00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:24,760
"There! Go! Go!."

1608
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:25,240
I look outside,

1609
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:27,480
it's a freakin' falooda stand, dude.

1610
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:28,840
Now I have to ask the falooda guy for ice.

1611
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:30,520
But I have to explain
to him why I need the ice.

1612
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:33,040
"Brother, that swan-like
door of the car hit me hard."

1613
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:34,280
"Opened it real fast."

1614
00:53:34,360 --> 00:53:35,800
"And now my lips,"

1615
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:37,040
are all red."

1616
00:53:37,080 --> 00:53:39,040
"Hence, please will you give me ice..."

1617
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:42,080
"Please will you give me some, grandfather?"

1618
00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:43,960
He was very sweet.

1619
00:53:44,040 --> 00:53:45,240
He actually reached into this thing and

1620
00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:46,560
gave me two naked ice cubes.

1621
00:53:46,680 --> 00:53:47,480
Two naked ice cubes!

1622
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:48,080
No cover or anything.

1623
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:49,360
I took it, it slipped and it fell.

1624
00:53:49,680 --> 00:53:51,720
"Sir, why are you giving
me cold naked water?"

1625
00:53:52,280 --> 00:53:54,760
"This cold naked water is all Gandhi now!"

1626
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:58,360
"Sorry I meant dirty.
Gandhi is the father of our nation."

1627
00:53:58,760 --> 00:54:00,080
"The opposite of father is mother."

1628
00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:01,440
"Our mother and father are like God."

1629
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:04,040
"One day, we will triumph."

1630
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:05,760
"No problem,
I'll just suck the blood,"

1631
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:06,840
"Like this."

1632
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,520
"Like a vampire."

1633
00:54:09,960 --> 00:54:10,440
"You know vampire?"

1634
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,080
"Like a man who turns into a bat."

1635
00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:13,280
"A bat, you know?"

1636
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:14,240
Not this kind of bat...

1637
00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:17,440
"A pigeon of the night sir!
A pigeon of the night!"

1638
00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:18,720
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen

1639
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:19,760
You guys have been wonderful.

1640
00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:23,040
Thank you so much Bangalore.

1641
00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:24,800
Thank you, good night.