WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Okay, let's get down to it.

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You know, the reason I like
taping my special in Bangalore

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is because people here
are just extra nice man!

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Just extra nice.

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[Audience cheers]

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See!

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Extra nice

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Not too nice, eh.

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Don't be too nice.

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See, the thing is some
people try to be nice,

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But that just comes off as condescending.

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You know what I mean?

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Like, I was running up the stairs one time,

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I was running up in a hurry...

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and I tripped on one step,

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and this guy was like,
"Hey, be careful!"

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Uh…

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"What is this shitty
hindsight advice you giving me?"

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"Where were you when I
needed you one step ago, dude?"

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"Now you come and tell me,

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Be careful!'

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"I know now dude, I've learnt my lesson."

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"My leg is paining."

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People always say
'be careful' when it's too late.

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Always comes too late 'be careful'

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It's like..my friend he
asked me if I wanted some tea.

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I said, "Yeah sure."

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He gives me the tea,

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I drink the tea,

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I burn my tongue.

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He says, "Careful, it's hot!"

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"Oh, now I know now."

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Shitty hindsight advice man.

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People give hindsight
advice all the time by the way.

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I don't know if you guys have noticed.

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It's like when your friends come
to you after a breakup and they say,

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"You know, I always knew she
wasn't the right one for you dude."

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"Wow, always?"

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"You could have said
eight years ago no, bastard?"

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"Be careful of Sneha,
you could've said that."

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My heart is paining.
[imitates crying]

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My friends are being nice.

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I have nice friends and I
feel like you guys are nice people.

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But I think that's what's
lacking in this world at the moment,
I have nice friends and I
feel like you guys are nice people.

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But I think that's what's
lacking in this world at the moment,

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this country, in fact, I feel like...

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No one is being nice to each other.

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And I think,

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that's because no one is
relating to each other anymore

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Everyone just seems,
it just seems very divided, you know?

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Everyone's like, "Oh those North Indians."

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They are like,
"Oh all those South Indians."

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But like...

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Parota Paratha dude...

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Yeah, culturally we are different.

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But as people and
as humans we are still...

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we can still relate, we can empathize
with each other on smaller human things.

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And that's what this whole world needs.

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And I am going to tell you a little
story about empathy, that I went through.

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And I hope you take away
the right lesson from this story.

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Story about empathy, alright.

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It's that part of the show,
please bear with me.

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I got into a cab when I was in Delhi.

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It's Delhi right,

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not used to the language and stuff.

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And I got into the cab.

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And the moment I got into the cab,

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the driver farted.

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Okay?

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Now...
[scattered laughter in audience]

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Sorry, this is not a fart joke.

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I hope you don't think...

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a fart..

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I don't do fart jokes.

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I don't do fart jokes
in my show by the way.

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This is a story about empathy.

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Umm..

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He farted.

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It was one of those farts

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where I couldn't hear the fart,

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I could..

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taste it.

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You know? And

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Sorry

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This is not a fart joke. Please!

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Excuse me!

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It's about empathy.
I am getting there!

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Alright?

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Now I know what you would've done.
Alright?

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Now I know what you would've done.

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You would've all put your window down and

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just let a little bit of air out.

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But that's not the nice thing to do.
Alright?

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because once you put your window down

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he's gonna realize you smelt his fart,

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he's gonna feel bad!

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Here's the thing

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No one likes having
their fart acknowledged man.

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I know.

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I knew how he felt.

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I empathized.

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because once I farted in an Uber

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the driver put his window down,

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I felt bad!

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I empathize.

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It's an empathy joke, alright?

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So I sat there and let
that fart just envelop me

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like a warm blanket. Just...

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And I held my breath, I held my breath.
like a warm blanket. Just...

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And I held my breath, I held my breath.

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Two minutes

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Three minutes. Holding my breath.

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Four minutes. Holding my breath.

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I think maybe I should smile,

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just let him know it's okay.

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Six minutes pass...

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Now the driver is getting suspicious.

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He's like is this...

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Has it not reached him yet or?

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Then he sees me smiling.

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So he's like,"Oh my god
is he enjoying it or what?"

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But this is how far I am willing to go!

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This is how far I am willing to go,

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to empathize with this man.

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I'm like I'm doing this
for the goodness of humanity.

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But
I'm like I'm doing this
for the goodness of humanity.

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But

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I can't hold my breath any longer.

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because there's still 30
minutes to get to the destination.

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This freakin' fart's not going anywhere!

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I'm stuck inside this freakin'

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Wagon R fart parcel dude!

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It's a bubble of fart.

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It's a vacuum of fart
that I am stuck inside.

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And it's not a fart joke.

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And

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I'm just praying to God.

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I'm like, "Please God,
just give me any excuse."

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"Just any excuse to put this window down."

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"So he won't feel bad."

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"Like a fly inside the car."

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"Anything like that."

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And on the next signal
the car stopped.

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And you won't believe it,

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a small beggar child came

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and knocked on the
window asking for money.

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And it's like I had an
excuse to put the window down.

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And I could help him.

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And I could help the cab driver.

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It was beautiful.

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It's like god himself
had appeared before me.

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As I put the window down

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the beggar was like,

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"Eh, cheeee!!"

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And he ran off!

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I'm like,

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"Empathize with me bastard!"

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Children dude, no empathy dude.

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Not a fart joke, ladies and gentlemen

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Alright.

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Tell me, if you guys have ever done this.

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Have you ever littered?

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At any point in your life?

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[Audience: Yes, yes]

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I'm sure we've all just...

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You know you've all just ...

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kind of thrown your waste on the ground.

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You can't find a dustbin,
so you just throw it.

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And I know you've blamed the government,

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"Like oh..
there's no dustbin,

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hey just throw it."

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"Just throw it."

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And I've seen people do it.

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And I think it's very disrespectful

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to just throw your waste on the ground.

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I'm not like that.

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I'm very environmentally friendly

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I always take my waste and I
carefully...

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keep it on the ground, alright?

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Respectfully.

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There's a difference.

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You know the thing is,
if you throw it,

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it will look like the government's trying,

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but you don't give a shit.

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But if you keep it,
it will look like you are trying,

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but the government doesn't give a shit.

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Hmm...

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No, no, I haven't sold you guys on this
throwing and keeping.

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Alright

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I'll make this more relatable, alright?

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If your mom

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comes and keeps food on the dining table

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she places the food
she keeps it gently

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that means everything at home is fine.

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She's fine, right?

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Now if she comes and
throws food on the dining table

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that means she is...?

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An alcoholic.
Yeah, that's right.

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No, that means
your dad is an alcoholic

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and she is angry

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and she's trying to send a message, right?

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She's like, "Aargh, I'm not happy with the way

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things are at home."

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She's trying to send a message.
That's what this is about.

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Thing is if you throw it,

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you know it will look like a garbage dump.

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But if you keep it

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it will look like an art installation.

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Men,

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If you wanna urinate in public,
go ahead

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urinate in public.

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But send a message with your urine

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like literally

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write something on the wall with it.

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Just be like,

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"Keep India clean"

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"Clean India Initia...

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I ran out of pee over here,

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let me just..

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Initiative."

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Full stop!

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Cursive works best, right,
for that

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Capital block and all
you've to keep stopping, it's...

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you'll get a
urinary tract infection.

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But the government is trying though.

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The government is trying their best.

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They banned plastic bags everywhere.

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Right, yeah?

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But you still see them everywhere, right?

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I mean the shops are still using it,

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the restaurants are still using it,

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our moms are still collecting it.

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One time I thought it would be nice to

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give my mom one of these
zip lock bags to send food in

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and she sent me food.

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I went to another city.

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Then she found out that it was reusable.

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So I had to courier it back to her

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for her to reuse.

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It's pointless.

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We live in a time when

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people don't carry plastic bags
as openly as they used to.

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It depends on where you carry it.

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You carry it in a bus stop,
railway station,

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everyone's carrying a plastic bag,
they empathize with you.

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If you carry a plastic bag at the airport,
people would be like,

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"First time flying?"

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"Hmm?"

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"First time?"

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"Is that your hand baggage or what?"

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They judge you man.

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One time I actually had to

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One time I actually had to
carry a plastic bag at the airport

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but

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it wasn't my choice.

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My aunt, man,
you know every time I visit her,

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she sends me back with
something or the other, right?

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This time I went to visit her,
she's like,

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"Naveen, you wanna take
some fruit vegetables and go?"

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"Aunty, we have there
also fruit vegetables."

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"No take home grown fruit vegetables,
organic fruit vegetables."

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"Tasty!

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fruit vegetables, take and go!!"

266
00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:05.320
I was like

267
00:08:05.320 --> 00:08:06.920
"Okay, give!"

268
00:08:07.280 --> 00:08:08.560
Now she goes to her garden,

269
00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:11.560
she comes back with
this heavy ass plastic bag.

270
00:08:11.760 --> 00:08:12.320
I don't know what

271
00:08:12.440 --> 00:08:13.880
must be some tomatoes, oranges and all.

272
00:08:13.920 --> 00:08:14.680
I look inside

273
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.400
it's one freakin' watermelon dude!

274
00:08:17.280 --> 00:08:18.680
One watermelon!

275
00:08:19.200 --> 00:08:21.280
"Aunty, this is just fruit,
where are the vegetables?"

276
00:08:22.400 --> 00:08:23.440
Now I'm going to the airport

277
00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:25.520
with this one watermelon
in a plastic bag.

278
00:08:25.560 --> 00:08:28.120
Just one watermelon
in a plastic bag I go there.

279
00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:29.040
I go to the check-in counter.

280
00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:30.240
They're like,
"'Sir, any hand baggage?"

281
00:08:30.320 --> 00:08:31.000
I'm like,
"Yup"

282
00:08:31.960 --> 00:08:33.520
"One fruit vegetables, please."

283
00:08:34.280 --> 00:08:35.360
Now I'm taking this thing.

284
00:08:35.520 --> 00:08:38.240
You know that security check thing,
there's that X-ray machine.

285
00:08:38.320 --> 00:08:39.840
People are taking out laptops and iPads.

286
00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:41.480
I'm taking out a watermelon and

287
00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:44.240
putting in the tray and
sending it through the scanner.

288
00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:44.960
Then I see a sign.

289
00:08:45.040 --> 00:08:46.360
It says,
Only 100ml liquid allowed'

290
00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:48.520
So I'm like, "Oh my God.
How much water is in this watermelon?"

291
00:08:49.400 --> 00:08:50.680
What if it gets to the other side
and they're like,

292
00:08:50.680 --> 00:08:51.640
"This is 200ml, sir."

293
00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:52.920
"You'll have to eat this here and now."

294
00:08:53.400 --> 00:08:54.400
"Make it half."

295
00:08:55.040 --> 00:08:56.720
"Anybody wants watermelon juice?"

296
00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:58.920
"Anybody want watermelon juice?'"

297
00:09:02.040 --> 00:09:02.960
Embarrassing.

298
00:09:03.760 --> 00:09:05.280
I take this freakin' thing on the flight.

299
00:09:05.280 --> 00:09:06.800
Of all the days
this is the day,

300
00:09:07.040 --> 00:09:08.600
they decide to upgrade
me to business class.

301
00:09:08.720 --> 00:09:09.120
Alright?

302
00:09:09.800 --> 00:09:10.280
Yeah

303
00:09:10.960 --> 00:09:11.440
The steward is like,

304
00:09:11.520 --> 00:09:12.800
"Sir, do you mind, sir.
Economy is full.

305
00:09:12.920 --> 00:09:14.280
Do you mind if we put
you in business class."

306
00:09:14.360 --> 00:09:15.040
I'm just like,

307
00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:18.040
"No"

308
00:09:19.360 --> 00:09:19.960
"No"

309
00:09:20.960 --> 00:09:21.800
"Sir, you don't want
to go to business class?"

310
00:09:21.920 --> 00:09:23.120
"Yeah, but no."

311
00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:25.960
"Don't want."

312
00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:27.200
I'm getting

313
00:09:27.320 --> 00:09:28.080
into business class

314
00:09:28.200 --> 00:09:30.920
I'm trying to be as sneaky
as I can with that plastic bag.

315
00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:31.840
I don't want anyone to see it.

316
00:09:31.960 --> 00:09:33.560
I'm trying not to make
that plastic bag sound.

317
00:09:33.680 --> 00:09:34.720
that 'krrrrkk'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

318
00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:35.520
That 'krrrrkk',

319
00:09:36.040 --> 00:09:38.040
that's the most middle
class sound in the world, dude.

320
00:09:38.040 --> 00:09:38.680
krrrkk'

321
00:09:39.040 --> 00:09:40.120
If middle class had a national anthem,

322
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.040
it's just 'krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk krrrkk'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

323
00:09:44.680 --> 00:09:46.360
I'm trying to put it in
that hand baggage thing, right.

324
00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:47.440
I'm trying not to make any noise.

325
00:09:47.520 --> 00:09:48.960
I'm trying to cover it
up with the sound of my cough.

326
00:09:49.040 --> 00:09:53.280
[Imitates coughing sound]

327
00:09:55.520 --> 00:09:56.760
And I think I've gotten away with it,

328
00:09:57.000 --> 00:09:59.040
but when the plane takes off
there's so much turbulence

329
00:09:59.040 --> 00:10:01.040
that the watermelon's
rolling around inside

330
00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:04.080
kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha kuchcha'
[Imitates plastic bag sound]

331
00:10:04.360 --> 00:10:06.000
People are judging me
and babies are like

332
00:10:06.080 --> 00:10:08.040
"Excuse me, we are trying to cry over here!

333
00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:10.360
So inconvenient!

334
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:11.800
Oh my god!"

335
00:10:13.760 --> 00:10:15.200
When the plane lands
I'm so embarrassed

336
00:10:15.320 --> 00:10:17.040
I want nothing to do
with this plastic bag, right.

337
00:10:17.040 --> 00:10:19.040
So I just take the watermelon out
and put it inside me shirt

338
00:10:19.080 --> 00:10:19.840
and I walk around.

339
00:10:20.400 --> 00:10:21.880
People are looking at me like I'm pregnant

340
00:10:22.040 --> 00:10:22.840
And I'm,

341
00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:24.120
I'm empathizing with moms like,

342
00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:26.000
"Yeah, third trimester's the worst right?"

343
00:10:26.040 --> 00:10:27.240
Yeah."
[Laughs]

344
00:10:28.520 --> 00:10:31.000
"Oh my god, my watermelon broke, no!!!!!"

345
00:10:35.920 --> 00:10:38.640
My mom sends me some
food every once in a while.

346
00:10:39.040 --> 00:10:40.560
But sometimes I end up wasting it though.

347
00:10:40.680 --> 00:10:41.360
I feel very bad.

348
00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:43.040
I feel very guilty wasting food though.

349
00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:44.760
You guys feel guilty wasting food?

350
00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:45.680
[Audience: Yeah]

351
00:10:45.760 --> 00:10:46.040
Yeah?

352
00:10:46.040 --> 00:10:47.600
Do you guys also put
it in the fridge sometimes?

353
00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:47.680
[Audience: Yeah]
Do you guys also put
it in the fridge sometimes?

354
00:10:47.680 --> 00:10:48.400
[Audience: Yeah]

355
00:10:48.560 --> 00:10:50.040
And then three days later
when you feel less guilty,

356
00:10:50.040 --> 00:10:50.680
you throw it out?

357
00:10:51.040 --> 00:10:52.040
[Audience: Reluctant 'yeah']

358
00:10:52.040 --> 00:10:52.760
Yeah?

359
00:10:53.800 --> 00:10:55.040
Relatable?
Yeah? This is relatable?

360
00:10:56.160 --> 00:10:57.440
When the temperature of the food reduces

361
00:10:57.600 --> 00:10:59.040
your guilt also reduces.

362
00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:00.360
The colder the food becomes,

363
00:11:00.520 --> 00:11:02.960
the colder you become to the food.

364
00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:04.640
It will just be two-three lady fingers

365
00:11:04.840 --> 00:11:06.440
that are left behind
and you'll still be like,

366
00:11:06.520 --> 00:11:08.120
"No, tomorrow I'm gonna eat it."

367
00:11:08.200 --> 00:11:09.640
"No, tomorrow I'm gonna eat it."

368
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:10.800
You know you are lying to yourself.

369
00:11:10.920 --> 00:11:12.520
And you are lying to
the lady fingers as well,

370
00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:14.920
like a father sending a
small child to boarding school

371
00:11:14.920 --> 00:11:15.040
for the first time.
like a father sending a
small child to boarding school

372
00:11:15.040 --> 00:11:15.840
for the first time.

373
00:11:16.040 --> 00:11:16.920
Just lying to him like,

374
00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:18.560
"Tomorrow I'll come okay?"

375
00:11:19.400 --> 00:11:20.000
"Promise?"

376
00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:22.040
"Yeah, see you tomorrow!"

377
00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:24.080
"Bye papa."

378
00:11:25.320 --> 00:11:26.960
Now the lady finger's
inside the fridge like,

379
00:11:28.880 --> 00:11:31.360
"My pappa's coming tomorrow."

380
00:11:31.520 --> 00:11:33.040
"Hmmm..."

381
00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:35.120
"Hi Mr. Potato.

382
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:36.640
How long have you been here for?"

383
00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:38.600
"I AM A MANGO!!!!"

384
00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:43.040
"I've been here for so long...

385
00:11:43.040 --> 00:11:45.440
...I should be mango pickle now!"

386
00:11:46.240 --> 00:11:47.280
"Eat me!!!"

387
00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:48.040
"Oh no!"

388
00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:49.760
"Papad uncle, papad uncle, help me."

389
00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:50.920
"I'm a chapati, bitch!"

390
00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:51.600
"Oh no!"

391
00:11:59.680 --> 00:12:01.040
The stuff in my fridge is one thing but

392
00:12:01.040 --> 00:12:02.040
the stuff in my freezer,

393
00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:05.480
I have no idea how long
that shit's been in there, dude.

394
00:12:05.680 --> 00:12:06.040
Does anyone know?

395
00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:08.840
Nobody knows exactly how long
food lasts in the freezer, right?

396
00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:10.280
Nobody knows the expiry
date when it's put in there.

397
00:12:10.360 --> 00:12:12.560
You even ask the people
you are buying the food from like,

398
00:12:12.560 --> 00:12:12.600
"How long will this last?"
You even ask the people
you are buying the food from like,

399
00:12:12.600 --> 00:12:13.480
"How long will this last?"

400
00:12:13.680 --> 00:12:15.040
"Ah, you put it in the freezer,
it will last."

401
00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:16.720
"How long?"

402
00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:17.800
"It will last."

403
00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:19.280
"For one week?"

404
00:12:19.280 --> 00:12:20.760
"Yeah, no no, it will last."

405
00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:22.040
"One month?"

406
00:12:22.040 --> 00:12:24.040
"Yeah, no, no, no, yeah, it will last."

407
00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:25.600
"Will it outlive me?"

408
00:12:25.720 --> 00:12:27.040
"No, no, yeah."

409
00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:28.240
"No, yeah yeah, no."

410
00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:31.080
"Yeah no yeah, it will last."

411
00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:34.400
Have you guys ever played the

412
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:36.120
bad magician game with the fridge?

413
00:12:36.800 --> 00:12:37.720
[Audience: No]

414
00:12:37.800 --> 00:12:38.560
The bad magician game!

415
00:12:38.680 --> 00:12:40.000
Guys, the bad magician
game with the fridge.

416
00:12:40.040 --> 00:12:41.040
You guys haven't played the bad?

417
00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:42.680
I'm sure you guys have played it.

418
00:12:42.840 --> 00:12:43.440
The bad magician game.

419
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:44.360
It's when you open the fridge to see

420
00:12:44.440 --> 00:12:45.840
if something interesting is inside.

421
00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:45.920
And there isn't.
if something interesting is inside.

422
00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:46.600
And there isn't.

423
00:12:46.760 --> 00:12:47.880
So you close it...

424
00:12:47.880 --> 00:12:47.960
and you come back five minutes later
So you close it...

425
00:12:47.960 --> 00:12:49.120
and you come back five minutes later

426
00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:51.040
to see if something magically appeared.

427
00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:53.560
Yeah!

428
00:12:53.680 --> 00:12:54.440
See, I told you.

429
00:12:54.520 --> 00:12:55.240
You've played it.

430
00:12:55.520 --> 00:12:56.480
Every time you open the fridge

431
00:12:56.560 --> 00:12:58.080
your standards have to lower

432
00:12:58.160 --> 00:12:59.680
finally you're just
smelling some shit like,

433
00:13:00.040 --> 00:13:00.480
"Dude"

434
00:13:00.560 --> 00:13:02.360
"Dude, do you think these
mushrooms are safe to eat?"

435
00:13:02.360 --> 00:13:05.080
"Dude, that's bread and the
fungus is growing on it, dude."

436
00:13:06.520 --> 00:13:07.920
"So it's safe to eat or what?"

437
00:13:10.040 --> 00:13:11.440
There's some nasty shit in my fridge man.

438
00:13:11.520 --> 00:13:13.080
When you are a bachelor
it just...

439
00:13:13.680 --> 00:13:14.720
especially when I was in college

440
00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:16.040
I had the nastiest shit in my fridge

441
00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:17.320
and in my kitchen, in general,

442
00:13:17.440 --> 00:13:19.280
it was just filled with
lizards and cockroaches,

443
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:20.200
and stuff like that.

444
00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:20.800
Yeah

445
00:13:20.920 --> 00:13:21.720
what are you guys more afraid of?

446
00:13:21.800 --> 00:13:22.920
Lizards or cockroaches?

447
00:13:22.920 --> 00:13:22.960
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches]
Lizards or cockroaches?

448
00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:24.560
[Audience: Lizards. Cockroaches]

449
00:13:24.760 --> 00:13:25.040
See,

450
00:13:25.040 --> 00:13:26.120
lizards I don't mind so much

451
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:27.480
because lizards they don't try to hide.

452
00:13:27.560 --> 00:13:28.720
They are always out in the open

453
00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:29.520
just chilling.

454
00:13:29.720 --> 00:13:30.840
They don't try to hide,
they have nothing to hide.

455
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:32.280
But cockroaches, always hiding,

456
00:13:32.360 --> 00:13:34.200
always so suspicious!

457
00:13:34.360 --> 00:13:35.720
So suspicious these cockroaches!

458
00:13:35.960 --> 00:13:36.920
every time you find them,

459
00:13:37.040 --> 00:13:39.120
they act like they were right
in the middle of a drug deal!

460
00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:42.960
You open the cupboard,

461
00:13:43.040 --> 00:13:44.240
they'll be like,
"Everybody split up!!"

462
00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:45.320
And then they'll run.

463
00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:47.960
"What are you guys doing?"

464
00:13:48.040 --> 00:13:49.240
"Nothing sir, just eating puffs sir."

465
00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:50.360
"Going to tuition, sir. That's all!"

466
00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:51.440
"Hey!"

467
00:13:52.280 --> 00:13:53.080
"Hey!!"

468
00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:00.760
One time I don't know what

469
00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:03.760
was inside my kitchen cupboard
I saw the strangest phenomenon.

470
00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:06.440
I just saw hundreds
of cockroaches running out

471
00:14:06.440 --> 00:14:06.480
and then just going and
dying in the living room.
I just saw hundreds
of cockroaches running out

472
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:07.840
and then just going and
dying in the living room.

473
00:14:08.040 --> 00:14:09.600
Just groups of cockroaches
going and dying there

474
00:14:09.720 --> 00:14:11.280
like some group activity or some shit.

475
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:13.360
What is this a mass suicide or what dude?

476
00:14:13.920 --> 00:14:15.360
What is there a cult inside my cupboard?

477
00:14:15.560 --> 00:14:17.080
where there's some
spiritual cockroach baba

478
00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:19.680
that's brainwashing
these cockroaches like,

479
00:14:19.760 --> 00:14:22.280
"You are all cockroach..."

480
00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:28.960
because we have committed
sin in the last life,

481
00:14:29.480 --> 00:14:32.720
but we can end this karma
and get to the other side...

482
00:14:33.040 --> 00:14:36.920
if we get together
and commit insecticide!"

483
00:14:39.280 --> 00:14:40.680
Dude now I'm too scared
to open the cupboard.

484
00:14:40.760 --> 00:14:41.600
What if I get brainwashed

485
00:14:41.720 --> 00:14:43.360
and I join the cockroach cult by mistake?

486
00:14:43.760 --> 00:14:44.840
They're like, "You are a cockroach!"

487
00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:46.440
I'm like, "I empathize."

488
00:14:48.560 --> 00:14:50.520
Freakin' turn into a cockroach in my head.

489
00:14:50.600 --> 00:14:52.680
I start taking part in
these cockroach based activities.

490
00:14:52.760 --> 00:14:55.000
Then I find out they are not
actually doing drug deals in the dark.

491
00:14:55.040 --> 00:14:56.560
They're just waiting to
surprise their friends, right.

492
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:57.520
And then..

493
00:14:59.240 --> 00:15:00.560
It's very sweet.
And...

494
00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:01.920
at one of these parties,

495
00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:03.440
I meet this cute cockroach

496
00:15:03.520 --> 00:15:05.120
She's sweet.
Her name's uhm...

497
00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:07.040
Roachini I guess.

498
00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:09.240
I don't know. I don't know.

499
00:15:09.760 --> 00:15:11.120
And we start going
out...we start going out...

500
00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:12.360
I take her out to dinners and stuff.

501
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:13.480
I'm having dinner with her one night.

502
00:15:13.560 --> 00:15:14.840
I'm having dinner at this restaurant.

503
00:15:15.040 --> 00:15:15.920
And the waiter comes and says,

504
00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:17.800
"Sorry sir, there's a cockroach
in your food, I'll replace it."

505
00:15:17.920 --> 00:15:19.000
"No, she's with me actually."

506
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:21.040
Now Roachni,

507
00:15:21.040 --> 00:15:22.560
she wants to introduce
me to her freakin' parents.

508
00:15:22.680 --> 00:15:23.200
And I'm freakin' out.

509
00:15:23.280 --> 00:15:24.080
What if they're damn orthodox?

510
00:15:24.200 --> 00:15:25.120
Because you know she's a cockroach

511
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:25.920
and I am...

512
00:15:26.040 --> 00:15:27.360
a comedian you know and

513
00:15:28.360 --> 00:15:30.280
what parent is cool with that?

514
00:15:30.800 --> 00:15:32.440
So Roachini and I, we decide
to run away together.

515
00:15:32.520 --> 00:15:34.040
But then she cheats on
me with a freakin' lizard.

516
00:15:34.040 --> 00:15:35.040
And then we break up.

517
00:15:35.040 --> 00:15:36.320
And then one of my friends comes and says,

518
00:15:36.680 --> 00:15:39.200
"You know I always knew she
wasn't the right one for you, dude."

519
00:15:46.440 --> 00:15:47.480
One time...

520
00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:49.320
you know one time I saw a lizard

521
00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:51.040
and the lizard saw me and it got scared

522
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:52.040
and it dropped its tail.

523
00:15:53.520 --> 00:15:53.840
Yeah

524
00:15:53.960 --> 00:15:54.520
Did you know that lizards,

525
00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:56.040
they drop their tail when they get scared?

526
00:15:56.440 --> 00:15:57.040
Yeah it's like a...

527
00:15:57.040 --> 00:15:58.440
it's a self-defense mechanism.

528
00:15:58.520 --> 00:15:59.520
But it's involuntary, you know.

529
00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:01.480
It's an involuntary
self-defense mechanism.

530
00:16:01.480 --> 00:16:03.000
They just drop their
tail and they run off.

531
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:05.040
Pity on him dude, it's involuntary dude.

532
00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:08.360
Imagine his lizard
friends know this about him

533
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:09.600
and they go scare him like,

534
00:16:09.720 --> 00:16:10.040
Boo!'

535
00:16:10.040 --> 00:16:11.040
"Hey, bastard!"

536
00:16:11.040 --> 00:16:12.040
"Why dude?"

537
00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:14.040
"Bastard, I just now grew this, bastard."

538
00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:15.760
"Hey you have a tail, no?"

539
00:16:15.800 --> 00:16:16.840
"Empathize no bastard?"

540
00:16:18.040 --> 00:16:19.440
"I look like one hatchback."

541
00:16:20.280 --> 00:16:22.920
"Like a Doberman.
I look like a Doberman now bastard."

542
00:16:26.040 --> 00:16:26.520
"Doberman."

543
00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:29.320
"Godzilla also won't respect me now."

544
00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:31.720
Yeah dude,
you know where I saw the lizard though?

545
00:16:31.800 --> 00:16:32.680
You know where I saw the lizard?

546
00:16:33.520 --> 00:16:34.960
I actually saw the lizard in my bathroom.

547
00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:36.320
And when I saw the
lizard, even I got scared

548
00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:37.440
and I freakin' slipped, dude."

549
00:16:38.040 --> 00:16:38.680
"Whoa!" You know?

550
00:16:38.800 --> 00:16:40.000
Does that ever happen
to you guys in the bathroom,

551
00:16:40.040 --> 00:16:41.960
that scary 'whoa' moment?

552
00:16:42.560 --> 00:16:43.320
Relatable, yeah?

553
00:16:44.040 --> 00:16:44.920
You know what I'm talking about,

554
00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:45.800
you're taking a bath

555
00:16:45.920 --> 00:16:47.000
little shampoo falls to the ground

556
00:16:47.040 --> 00:16:47.760
you don't realize it.

557
00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:48.720
You're just doing your thing...

558
00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:49.960
suddenly you go

559
00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:51.040
"Whoa!!"

560
00:16:51.800 --> 00:16:53.040
And then you feel your
testicles in your mouth?

561
00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:54.040
You know what I'm talking about?

562
00:16:54.520 --> 00:16:55.040
"Whoa"
[Shrieks]

563
00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:56.320
You know what I'm talking about, guys?

564
00:16:56.800 --> 00:16:57.680
Ladies, you know what I'm talking about?

565
00:16:57.840 --> 00:16:58.760
Testicles in the mouth right?

566
00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:02.280
Hey no, this is a figure
of speech by the way!

567
00:17:02.600 --> 00:17:04.520
You guys who are all clapping,
it's a figure of speech.

568
00:17:04.600 --> 00:17:06.200
Tongue in cheek,
testicles in the mouth.

569
00:17:07.040 --> 00:17:07.480
Figure of speech.

570
00:17:07.560 --> 00:17:08.600
This is not that kinda show okay?

571
00:17:09.760 --> 00:17:10.680
This is not that kinda show.

572
00:17:10.760 --> 00:17:12.240
It's a family friendly show over here.

573
00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:14.600
And I don't wanna slip

574
00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:15.600
and like

575
00:17:16.040 --> 00:17:16.840
fall in the bathroom

576
00:17:16.840 --> 00:17:17.920
because I might die man.

577
00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:19.800
And I don't wanna die in the bathroom

578
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:20.800
because if you die in the bathroom

579
00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:22.800
no one else will even
realize that you're dead

580
00:17:22.840 --> 00:17:24.040
for a very long time.

581
00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:25.480
They'll think you have a stomach upset,

582
00:17:25.560 --> 00:17:26.680
but you're dead inside.

583
00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:28.680
And one day they'll be like,

584
00:17:28.680 --> 00:17:29.920
"Dude, how long you take, dude."

585
00:17:30.360 --> 00:17:33.080
"Dude, for three days he's
been shitting inside now, dude."

586
00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:35.440
"Three days it has been!"

587
00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:37.480
And you know,

588
00:17:37.560 --> 00:17:38.960
the worst part is when
they find me dead inside

589
00:17:39.040 --> 00:17:40.960
they're not going to be upset
with the fact that I'm dead first

590
00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:43.320
they're going to be upset
for the fact that I'm naked.

591
00:17:44.320 --> 00:17:45.960
That's their first reaction.

592
00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:48.600
And I don't want that to
be the image that they're left with

593
00:17:48.800 --> 00:17:49.600
when they remember me.

594
00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:51.360
I don't want that to be
the image they are left with.

595
00:17:51.480 --> 00:17:52.920
Imagine they're writing
the police report,

596
00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:53.800
"Sir, can you describe to us"

597
00:17:53.800 --> 00:17:55.440
what you saw exactly when you..?"

598
00:17:55.560 --> 00:17:56.800
"I saw everything okay?"

599
00:17:58.360 --> 00:18:00.040
"He had his testicles in his mouth."

600
00:18:01.560 --> 00:18:03.120
"How did it get there?"

601
00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:08.120
"He said it was a figure of speech!"

602
00:18:11.120 --> 00:18:13.200
There was a solution to
this back in the day.

603
00:18:13.200 --> 00:18:15.440
Back in the day,
we all went to the bathroom wearing...?

604
00:18:15.840 --> 00:18:16.440
Rubber chappals.

605
00:18:16.600 --> 00:18:17.840
Remember rubber slippers?

606
00:18:17.960 --> 00:18:21.000
Remember when Bata made those
rubber slippers back in the good old days?

607
00:18:21.040 --> 00:18:22.480
Remember they came in only two colors...
What was that?

608
00:18:22.560 --> 00:18:23.480
Blue and white...and?

609
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:24.720
White and blue. Yeah.

610
00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:28.440
Not many options there.

611
00:18:28.600 --> 00:18:29.920
But those chappals..

612
00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:30.760
they were made of

613
00:18:30.840 --> 00:18:32.360
rubber.
They had so much grip man.

614
00:18:32.480 --> 00:18:33.560
Remember they had so much grip?

615
00:18:33.600 --> 00:18:35.280
You can walk on anything
you would never slip, dude.

616
00:18:35.800 --> 00:18:36.440
Anything you can walk on.

617
00:18:36.520 --> 00:18:37.560
You step on a banana peel,

618
00:18:37.560 --> 00:18:38.720
the banana peel will slip dude!

619
00:18:40.040 --> 00:18:40.720
So much grip!

620
00:18:40.800 --> 00:18:42.080
How do you think Jesus walked on water?

621
00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:43.040
Rubber chappal dude.

622
00:18:47.040 --> 00:18:48.200
How do you think the lizards are up there?

623
00:18:48.280 --> 00:18:49.240
Four rubber chappals they are wearing.

624
00:18:50.560 --> 00:18:52.040
Four Batas they have on their feet.

625
00:18:55.280 --> 00:18:57.040
You know every time I slip
in the bathroom floor,

626
00:18:57.520 --> 00:18:58.040
every time I slip

627
00:18:58.040 --> 00:18:59.440
I get this near death experience.

628
00:19:00.040 --> 00:19:00.680
Like, "Whoa!"

629
00:19:00.760 --> 00:19:02.800
And then I can see my
life flashing before my eyes.

630
00:19:02.800 --> 00:19:02.840
It's damn freaky, dude.
And then I can see my
life flashing before my eyes.

631
00:19:02.840 --> 00:19:03.560
It's damn freaky, dude.

632
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:05.000
"Whoa!"
And I can remember everything.

633
00:19:05.040 --> 00:19:06.800
From the moment I was
born up until that moment.

634
00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:07.480
Just "Whoa!"

635
00:19:07.800 --> 00:19:09.360
Remember everything in vivid detail man.

636
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:10.040
Just "Whoa!"

637
00:19:11.040 --> 00:19:12.240
That's why these days
when I forget something

638
00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:13.080
I don't even try to remember

639
00:19:13.120 --> 00:19:14.040
I just go to the bathroom

640
00:19:14.040 --> 00:19:15.080
spray some water...

641
00:19:15.120 --> 00:19:17.920
“Whoa! Oh I left it
in the kitchen yeah that’s where it was.”

642
00:19:22.560 --> 00:19:24.200
I have some nice friends.

643
00:19:24.320 --> 00:19:26.480
My friends are extra nice
to me around my birthday you know.

644
00:19:27.280 --> 00:19:28.320
They always..

645
00:19:28.480 --> 00:19:30.320
wanna do something around the birthday.

646
00:19:30.840 --> 00:19:32.040
And what I really wanna do..

647
00:19:32.120 --> 00:19:33.760
on the night before my birthday

648
00:19:34.320 --> 00:19:35.920
is nothing. Okay?

649
00:19:36.040 --> 00:19:36.720
I don't wanna do anything,

650
00:19:36.800 --> 00:19:38.040
because anything that
comes with expectations

651
00:19:38.120 --> 00:19:39.320
you know it's gonna fall short.

652
00:19:39.600 --> 00:19:40.200
But,

653
00:19:40.280 --> 00:19:41.040
my friends they...

654
00:19:41.080 --> 00:19:42.080
they put all this pressure on me.

655
00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:44.840
They are like,
"Hmm..so birthday boy, hmmm?"

656
00:19:44.840 --> 00:19:46.040
"What plans, hmmm?"

657
00:19:46.080 --> 00:19:47.720
"What plans on your birthday?"

658
00:19:47.840 --> 00:19:48.920
And I'll say, "Nothing."

659
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:51.280
And then they will feel bad for me

660
00:19:51.360 --> 00:19:52.840
like I'm lonely or some shit.

661
00:19:53.720 --> 00:19:55.000
I say "Dude, I am not lonely..."

662
00:19:55.080 --> 00:19:55.800
"I have you guys."

663
00:19:55.920 --> 00:19:57.360
"I just don't wanna be with you, alright?"

664
00:20:00.520 --> 00:20:01.840
And then they feel bad dude.

665
00:20:02.040 --> 00:20:03.760
These guys, my friends they'll feel bad.

666
00:20:03.840 --> 00:20:06.040
And then they'll go through
the trouble of organizing the whole

667
00:20:06.040 --> 00:20:08.320
surprise birthday party for me.

668
00:20:08.480 --> 00:20:10.040
There's always one person who

669
00:20:10.040 --> 00:20:12.320
is very good at organizing
these surprise birthday parties.

670
00:20:12.520 --> 00:20:13.760
You know who you are right?

671
00:20:15.040 --> 00:20:15.840
They are the first people...

672
00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:18.560
they start the WhatsApp group,
and invite people...

673
00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:20.960
then they'll start delegating
responsibilities to people

674
00:20:21.040 --> 00:20:22.840
who don't even wanna come to the party!

675
00:20:24.040 --> 00:20:24.320
They'll be like,

676
00:20:24.360 --> 00:20:25.040
"Okay you bring the booze."

677
00:20:25.040 --> 00:20:25.680
"You bring the balloons."

678
00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:26.280
"You bring the cake."

679
00:20:26.280 --> 00:20:27.920
"I don't even know who's
birthday it is, dude."

680
00:20:30.040 --> 00:20:31.360
I don't like these
surprise birthday parties

681
00:20:31.360 --> 00:20:33.520
being thrown for me, personally because

682
00:20:34.080 --> 00:20:36.080
it's in my own house and
I get too awkward you know.

683
00:20:36.200 --> 00:20:37.680
I'm the center of
attention in my own house.

684
00:20:37.760 --> 00:20:38.080
And I don't like it.

685
00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:39.120
But I realized some people

686
00:20:39.280 --> 00:20:41.320
do like these surprise birthday
parties being thrown for them.

687
00:20:42.040 --> 00:20:43.200
And I realized why they like it, you know,

688
00:20:43.280 --> 00:20:45.000
these people, they just wanna know

689
00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:47.480
how many people have
gone through the trouble

690
00:20:47.560 --> 00:20:49.520
of getting out of their
house in the middle of the night...

691
00:20:50.040 --> 00:20:52.080
and getting dressed and
taking a cab there.

692
00:20:52.360 --> 00:20:53.840
There's work the next day...

693
00:20:53.960 --> 00:20:54.800
and they come to your house

694
00:20:54.920 --> 00:20:57.480
they hide in the dark behind furniture
uncomfortably

695
00:20:58.320 --> 00:20:59.720
thinking you're there,
"Surprise. Oh no."

696
00:20:59.800 --> 00:21:01.040
"Surprise. Oh no, it's not him."

697
00:21:01.040 --> 00:21:02.440
They just want how
much inconvenience

698
00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:04.040
everyone has been
through to be there for them okay?

699
00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:05.560
And then they will act like
they don't even like it.

700
00:21:05.560 --> 00:21:08.040
They'll be like,
"Oh my god, you guys shouldn't have!"

701
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:10.200
"But good you did."

702
00:21:11.040 --> 00:21:12.040
"On a weekday you guys came?"

703
00:21:12.040 --> 00:21:14.440
"No, that's so inconvenient!"

704
00:21:14.520 --> 00:21:16.360
"I love it."

705
00:21:19.040 --> 00:21:21.080
"How inconvenient was it,
guys, for you guys?"

706
00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:23.040
"Actually I.."

707
00:21:23.040 --> 00:21:25.320
"I have a flight early in the
morning so I won't get enough sleep."

708
00:21:25.320 --> 00:21:26.560
"Oh no.."

709
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:29.960
"That's so inconvenient."

710
00:21:30.040 --> 00:21:31.840
"I love it."

711
00:21:34.360 --> 00:21:36.920
"Actually I left my own
birthday party to come here."

712
00:21:38.440 --> 00:21:40.360
"Stop it."

713
00:21:44.040 --> 00:21:46.280
Last year, my friends
threw me this surprise party.

714
00:21:46.320 --> 00:21:48.040
But I kinda saw the party coming.

715
00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:49.520
You see the first sign
that gave it away was

716
00:21:49.720 --> 00:21:50.720
there was this one guy

717
00:21:50.800 --> 00:21:52.680
who is assigned to hangout with me

718
00:21:53.240 --> 00:21:54.560
in the second half of the day,

719
00:21:54.600 --> 00:21:56.680
so that I don't go back to my own house

720
00:21:57.520 --> 00:21:59.240
because that's where the
surprise party is.

721
00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:01.720
Already I was like,
"why is this guy hanging out with me?"

722
00:22:02.520 --> 00:22:03.040
Secondly,

723
00:22:03.080 --> 00:22:05.600
he was trying so hard
to keep me from going back...

724
00:22:05.800 --> 00:22:07.760
that it looked like he
was coming onto me, alright?

725
00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:09.840
Looked like he was hitting on me, dude!

726
00:22:10.320 --> 00:22:11.040
Every time I was like,

727
00:22:11.080 --> 00:22:12.280
"Dude, it's 7:30, I'm gonna go."

728
00:22:12.320 --> 00:22:13.040
"Dude...

729
00:22:13.720 --> 00:22:15.040
It's just 7:30, dude."

730
00:22:17.080 --> 00:22:19.040
"Why don't we go for some dinner, dude.
You and me?"

731
00:22:25.000 --> 00:22:25.320
"Cool."

732
00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:28.040
We go out for dinner,
we finish the dinner, alright.

733
00:22:28.080 --> 00:22:29.560
Now I'm like,
"Alright it's 9:30, I've to go."

734
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:31.800
"Dude, it's only 9:30, dude."

735
00:22:32.040 --> 00:22:35.040
"Dude, when's the last time
you and I went out for a nice walk huh?"

736
00:22:38.720 --> 00:22:39.120
"Cool."

737
00:22:40.760 --> 00:22:41.800
We go on the small little long walk.

738
00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:43.440
We finish the small little long walk.

739
00:22:43.800 --> 00:22:45.200
Now, he has to come back to my house

740
00:22:45.280 --> 00:22:46.800
because that's where the party is, right?

741
00:22:46.920 --> 00:22:47.800
So he's just like,

742
00:22:48.360 --> 00:22:48.960
"Dude...

743
00:22:49.560 --> 00:22:52.120
why don't I come over
to your place after this, huh?"

744
00:22:53.720 --> 00:22:56.080
"No bro!"

745
00:23:01.040 --> 00:23:01.920
It was too awkward.

746
00:23:02.120 --> 00:23:03.440
The other thing that gave it away

747
00:23:03.560 --> 00:23:05.040
that there's a surprise
birthday party coming,

748
00:23:05.080 --> 00:23:07.040
is basic Indian manners.

749
00:23:08.120 --> 00:23:10.520
Basic Indian manners gave it away, okay?

750
00:23:10.600 --> 00:23:11.840
Because as I approached my house...

751
00:23:11.920 --> 00:23:14.040
I saw twenty pairs
of shoes outside my door.

752
00:23:15.800 --> 00:23:17.760
I was like, "Ohh!"

753
00:23:17.960 --> 00:23:19.840
He was like, "Ahhh."

754
00:23:21.480 --> 00:23:24.200
"Either these are
very polite burglars, or.."

755
00:23:25.040 --> 00:23:27.080
So I go inside,
they are all like 'Surprise!'

756
00:23:27.120 --> 00:23:29.840
And I'm like, "Oh yeah, totally."
[fakes laughter]

757
00:23:30.360 --> 00:23:31.120
Aah man.

758
00:23:32.320 --> 00:23:34.040
The worst part of this
whole party man. My..

759
00:23:34.040 --> 00:23:36.280
My friend who organized this
she called all my old friends,

760
00:23:36.440 --> 00:23:37.480
and all my new friends

761
00:23:37.560 --> 00:23:38.720
and put them in one place.

762
00:23:40.560 --> 00:23:42.320
You know how many years
I've avoided this shit?

763
00:23:44.920 --> 00:23:46.600
Both groups are just standing
around judging each other.

764
00:23:46.680 --> 00:23:47.480
No one's interacting.

765
00:23:47.520 --> 00:23:48.360
Just judging.

766
00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:49.280
All my old friends are like,

767
00:23:49.280 --> 00:23:51.240
"Ugh, these are your new friends, huh?

768
00:23:52.120 --> 00:23:53.760
"They are not that much fun, dude."

769
00:23:53.800 --> 00:23:55.200
"I feel like we had a lot
more fun when we were younger."

770
00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:58.760
"Remember when we were
younger we had a lot more fun?"

771
00:23:58.760 --> 00:24:00.240
"Yeah, we were in third standard dude."

772
00:24:01.560 --> 00:24:03.240
All my new friends are like,

773
00:24:03.560 --> 00:24:04.600
"Dude who knows you better, huh?"

774
00:24:04.600 --> 00:24:05.760
"Your old friends or your new friends?"

775
00:24:05.760 --> 00:24:07.120
"Huh? Who really knows you on the inside?"

776
00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:08.080
"Your old friends or your new friends?"

777
00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:09.040
"Huh, your old friends
or your new friends?"

778
00:24:09.040 --> 00:24:10.680
I wish I had no friends right now.

779
00:24:11.360 --> 00:24:13.040
And the cake comes out,
and I cut the cake...

780
00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:14.440
and then now I have to feed someone

781
00:24:14.440 --> 00:24:15.760
but I don't know who

782
00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:17.040
to feed first.

783
00:24:17.840 --> 00:24:19.040
Because apparently
the first person you feed

784
00:24:19.040 --> 00:24:20.840
is the most important
person in your life, right?

785
00:24:21.040 --> 00:24:21.480
So I'm just like,

786
00:24:21.560 --> 00:24:23.000
"You're, you're.."

787
00:24:23.040 --> 00:24:25.040
" Rajesh... Rahul... Shreyas."

788
00:24:25.200 --> 00:24:28.120
I just wanna be one of those
brides who come out the Church...

789
00:24:28.440 --> 00:24:30.960
"Whoever catches it,
you are my best friend.", and I throw it!

790
00:24:33.040 --> 00:24:34.480
That's what I wanted to do man.

791
00:24:36.840 --> 00:24:38.840
How do they repay you after
this gentle act of kindness?

792
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:40.960
They take that cake and
they smash it in your face.

793
00:24:41.480 --> 00:24:42.040
How is that funny?

794
00:24:42.120 --> 00:24:42.800
Why...

795
00:24:43.080 --> 00:24:44.520
do people still do this?
I don't know.

796
00:24:45.040 --> 00:24:47.000
I feel that the only
reason that they still do this

797
00:24:47.040 --> 00:24:49.120
is because you know its your birthday.

798
00:24:49.840 --> 00:24:51.240
You can't get pissed
off on your birthday, dude.

799
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:53.040
And they take advantage of that shit.

800
00:24:53.040 --> 00:24:54.200
On any regular day

801
00:24:54.240 --> 00:24:55.440
if some guy just took
the dessert you were eating

802
00:24:55.440 --> 00:24:57.000
and smashed it!

803
00:24:57.760 --> 00:24:58.440
You'll be like

804
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:02.600
"Dude, I'm gonna murder
your whole family after this."

805
00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:07.800
"I was happily eating that falooda,
nicely you smashed."

806
00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:11.920
Now you are standing
with that cake in your face.

807
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:13.960
You know that fake smile you do
with the cake in your face, like,

808
00:25:14.040 --> 00:25:15.200
[Fakes laughter]
"No, it's fine."

809
00:25:16.040 --> 00:25:16.920
"Oh yeah yeah, no it's fine."

810
00:25:16.960 --> 00:25:18.280
"I'm cool with it, yeah I'm cool."

811
00:25:19.760 --> 00:25:20.920
"What is there ginger in this cake?"

812
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:21.920
"Why is it burning?"

813
00:25:22.520 --> 00:25:23.960
"Why is it burning?"

814
00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:25.760
Urrghh'
[Screams in pain]

815
00:25:28.040 --> 00:25:29.760
Just too awkward
this whole birthday party.

816
00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:30.680
It's usually

817
00:25:30.760 --> 00:25:32.200
just an awkward affair.

818
00:25:32.760 --> 00:25:35.000
I just want a birthday party
where the party is already awesome

819
00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:36.080
by the time I get there.

820
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:38.120
It should be an awesome banging party.

821
00:25:38.280 --> 00:25:39.480
So I feel like I'm want to get in there

822
00:25:39.560 --> 00:25:40.760
it should be an awesome party.

823
00:25:41.000 --> 00:25:41.800
As I open the door,

824
00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:44.040
cops should be arresting everybody already...

825
00:25:44.080 --> 00:25:46.040
there's a drug raid
happening in my bathroom...

826
00:25:46.040 --> 00:25:47.240
there's a guy who's been stabbed!

827
00:25:47.280 --> 00:25:49.200
And he's like, "Bro!"

828
00:25:49.520 --> 00:25:50.560
I'm like "What bro?"

829
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:51.680
"Bro!"

830
00:25:53.040 --> 00:25:53.760
"What bro?"

831
00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:57.040
"Surprise..aahh."

832
00:25:57.440 --> 00:25:59.000
But a guy is still like raging.

833
00:25:59.040 --> 00:26:01.680
He's like, "C'mon guys,
After party is in the jail!

834
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.040
Now we go to the jail and then we all get

835
00:26:04.040 --> 00:26:06.000
beaten up and thrashed over there

836
00:26:06.040 --> 00:26:07.040
and everyone's crying

837
00:26:07.040 --> 00:26:08.600
because we've lost our jobs

838
00:26:08.920 --> 00:26:10.280
our faces are in the newspaper

839
00:26:10.360 --> 00:26:11.800
our parents have disowned us

840
00:26:11.840 --> 00:26:13.040
and everyone's just like sad

841
00:26:13.040 --> 00:26:13.600
and I'm just like,

842
00:26:13.800 --> 00:26:16.360
"Oh my god, this is so inconvenient."

843
00:26:17.040 --> 00:26:19.200
"I love it!"

844
00:26:25.040 --> 00:26:25.520
Alright.

845
00:26:25.560 --> 00:26:26.800
I'm gonna keep this relatable. Alright?

846
00:26:27.040 --> 00:26:28.040
This next joke is

847
00:26:28.840 --> 00:26:29.960
I hope this is relatable

848
00:26:30.840 --> 00:26:32.520
I shouldn't be trying out something new.

849
00:26:32.600 --> 00:26:33.040
But I'm gonna...

850
00:26:33.040 --> 00:26:34.080
Okay, just tell me if this is relatable

851
00:26:34.200 --> 00:26:35.520
You guys all brush your teeth, yeah?

852
00:26:36.600 --> 00:26:36.840
Yeah?

853
00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:37.600
Okay, already relatable.

854
00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:38.440
Awesome, awesome

855
00:26:39.000 --> 00:26:39.240
Okay, fine.

856
00:26:39.320 --> 00:26:40.760
Do you guys ever go
into the bathroom sometimes

857
00:26:40.840 --> 00:26:42.120
to brush your teeth
but when you're putting toothpaste

858
00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:43.680
too much toothpaste comes out?

859
00:26:43.760 --> 00:26:44.440
And you're like,

860
00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:49.360
Damn it, that's too much toothpaste dude.

861
00:26:52.320 --> 00:26:52.960
But then you're like,

862
00:26:53.040 --> 00:26:56.040
Hey screw it, let’s go crazy today man!
Woooo!

863
00:26:56.960 --> 00:26:58.040
You're like, "Yeah!"

864
00:26:59.200 --> 00:27:00.800
As you bring up, the paste falls off

865
00:27:00.920 --> 00:27:02.000
and you're like
"No!"

866
00:27:03.040 --> 00:27:04.120
"No!"

867
00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:06.480
"No..."

868
00:27:06.560 --> 00:27:10.040
"That's like, three
days worth of paste bro."

869
00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:12.680
[Sighs]

870
00:27:13.040 --> 00:27:14.360
But then you think,
"Okay, whatever, screw it."

871
00:27:14.600 --> 00:27:16.080
And then you open the
tap and try to wash it down.

872
00:27:16.200 --> 00:27:16.840
But it doesn't go down

873
00:27:16.960 --> 00:27:18.480
because the paste is too thick and heavy

874
00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:19.920
it's still sticking there.

875
00:27:20.040 --> 00:27:21.520
Now you have to use
your finger to push it down.

876
00:27:21.600 --> 00:27:22.720
Like, "Yuck yuck yuck yuck..."

877
00:27:23.040 --> 00:27:24.040
"Yuck yuck yuck yuck!"

878
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:25.520
Relatable, yeah?
Relatable, yeah?

879
00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:27.920
Yeah, oh, oh awesome.

880
00:27:28.120 --> 00:27:29.040
You're pushing it down.

881
00:27:29.040 --> 00:27:29.800
You push it down to the drain but

882
00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:30.920
it still doesn't go into the drain

883
00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:32.600
because the drain holes are too small

884
00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:34.040
it's just lying down there

885
00:27:34.040 --> 00:27:35.120
like one unloved child like,

886
00:27:35.280 --> 00:27:37.120
"Why are you doing this?"

887
00:27:37.840 --> 00:27:39.000
And you're like,
"You're a mistake."

888
00:27:40.040 --> 00:27:41.480
You open the tap some more

889
00:27:41.560 --> 00:27:42.280
and pour some more water

890
00:27:42.360 --> 00:27:44.000
use your hand to wishy-washy it.

891
00:27:44.360 --> 00:27:45.440
You're trying to wishy-washy it.

892
00:27:45.600 --> 00:27:46.200
And the paste is just like,

893
00:27:46.280 --> 00:27:47.000
"Aaaaa!"
[Screams in sadness]

894
00:27:47.040 --> 00:27:47.720
You know

895
00:27:48.320 --> 00:27:49.440
And you think, whatever!

896
00:27:49.520 --> 00:27:50.680
And you put more paste

897
00:27:50.760 --> 00:27:52.240
and you brush your teeth
you come back the next day

898
00:27:52.440 --> 00:27:54.040
the paste is still lying down there.

899
00:27:54.760 --> 00:27:55.680
Relatable, right?

900
00:27:56.280 --> 00:27:58.520
Come back the next day the
paste is still lying down there.

901
00:27:59.120 --> 00:28:01.440
Come back the next day the
paste is still lying down there.

902
00:28:01.720 --> 00:28:03.920
Everyday you come back the
paste is just lying down there.

903
00:28:05.440 --> 00:28:07.040
It's just lying down there
like this

904
00:28:09.040 --> 00:28:10.080
one mistake that you made

905
00:28:10.200 --> 00:28:11.560
that will never go away.

906
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:13.760
And that...

907
00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:17.320
reminds you of all the other
mistakes you made in your life.

908
00:28:20.040 --> 00:28:22.040
That girl you left, was that a mistake?

909
00:28:24.280 --> 00:28:25.560
That job you said 'no' to...

910
00:28:27.560 --> 00:28:28.360
Someone else took it.

911
00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:30.040
Was that a mistake?

912
00:28:32.320 --> 00:28:33.840
That time you didn't
visit your grandfather

913
00:28:34.040 --> 00:28:34.720
and it was too late.

914
00:28:35.960 --> 00:28:36.360
Was that a mistake?

915
00:28:40.040 --> 00:28:41.120
You can't fix those mistakes.

916
00:28:43.120 --> 00:28:44.280
But you can fix this mistake.

917
00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:47.200
You can fix it.

918
00:28:56.440 --> 00:28:57.560
Urrgh!'
[Audience shrieks with disgust]

919
00:28:58.040 --> 00:28:58.600
[Gagging Sound]

920
00:28:59.040 --> 00:29:00.200
So this is relatable, right yeah?

921
00:29:01.040 --> 00:29:01.560
No?

922
00:29:27.000 --> 00:29:27.800
Okay.

923
00:29:31.480 --> 00:29:33.000
[Mumbles]

924
00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:34.320
Where to leave?

925
00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:39.600
Yeah, hello.

926
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:41.960
How are you all doing today?

927
00:29:44.840 --> 00:29:47.520
Thank you very much for
the opportunity to perform in the

928
00:29:47.600 --> 00:29:48.920
middle of the show.

929
00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:53.000
Thank you

930
00:29:53.040 --> 00:29:54.360
I know you are all looking like,

931
00:29:54.480 --> 00:29:55.280
"What suddenly"

932
00:29:55.360 --> 00:29:56.840
"like what weird."

933
00:29:59.040 --> 00:30:00.520
So different.

934
00:30:03.040 --> 00:30:04.040
So thank you all.

935
00:30:04.080 --> 00:30:05.840
My name is Xavier Pandian.

936
00:30:05.960 --> 00:30:06.720
That's...

937
00:30:07.040 --> 00:30:09.200
Xavier with an X in the beginning.

938
00:30:10.760 --> 00:30:13.040
Because as you all
know there are some words.

939
00:30:13.040 --> 00:30:14.560
That is starting with a X.

940
00:30:14.680 --> 00:30:16.920
But is pronounced with a 'Juh' sound.

941
00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:18.200
Like...

942
00:30:18.680 --> 00:30:19.680
Xerox

943
00:30:28.320 --> 00:30:29.200
Zebra

944
00:30:31.520 --> 00:30:32.280
Et cetera

945
00:30:32.720 --> 00:30:33.320
So..

946
00:30:35.320 --> 00:30:36.040
So..

947
00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:40.040
Okay, so now I will start
with some relatable jokes.

948
00:30:40.120 --> 00:30:41.240
Because I heard

949
00:30:41.320 --> 00:30:43.840
I've been told to only do relatable jokes.

950
00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:46.320
Has anyone here been to an airport?

951
00:30:46.600 --> 00:30:47.200
Yeah?

952
00:30:48.320 --> 00:30:49.760
Okay don't show off.

953
00:30:52.560 --> 00:30:53.360
Yeah, so

954
00:30:53.800 --> 00:30:56.000
I went to airport once
and there there was a sign.

955
00:30:56.040 --> 00:30:58.040
It says, 'No sharp objects allowed.'

956
00:30:58.040 --> 00:30:59.520
I said, "Oh okay, fine."

957
00:30:59.800 --> 00:31:01.760
Then it says, 'No liquids allowed.'

958
00:31:01.840 --> 00:31:03.360
And I said, "Okay fine."

959
00:31:03.800 --> 00:31:06.040
Then it says, 'No explosives allowed.'

960
00:31:07.040 --> 00:31:08.120
No explosives?

961
00:31:08.840 --> 00:31:10.240
But what about my personality?

962
00:31:18.320 --> 00:31:20.920
[Indistinct words]

963
00:31:25.280 --> 00:31:26.080
Okay weird

964
00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:28.800
So what's with...

965
00:31:29.040 --> 00:31:31.880
what's with all these queues
in the airport am I right?

966
00:31:32.520 --> 00:31:34.680
There is a line to get into the airport.

967
00:31:34.920 --> 00:31:36.680
There is line to get the boarding pass.

968
00:31:36.760 --> 00:31:40.040
There is a line to get to the bus.

969
00:31:40.040 --> 00:31:41.960
Then there is a line
to get into the plane.

970
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:44.880
Then there is a line to get to the seat.

971
00:31:45.040 --> 00:31:46.480
Then there is a line to get outside.

972
00:31:46.560 --> 00:31:48.760
Then there is a line
to get on the bus again.

973
00:31:49.040 --> 00:31:49.480
I mean...

974
00:31:49.560 --> 00:31:51.480
I know you're called Air LINES' !

975
00:31:59.240 --> 00:32:01.040
Can you air-relax man?

976
00:32:06.600 --> 00:32:07.280
Yeah.

977
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:09.360
Weird.

978
00:32:11.320 --> 00:32:12.480
Okay so...

979
00:32:12.680 --> 00:32:16.600
Yeah, when I took a flight
I had actually gone to USA.

980
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:18.040
Has anyone here been to the USA?

981
00:32:19.440 --> 00:32:20.320
Okay, don't show off.

982
00:32:21.360 --> 00:32:24.760
So I went to USA and that you've heard
they have a tipping culture yeah.

983
00:32:25.040 --> 00:32:27.480
You always have to leave a tip
where ever you go.

984
00:32:27.800 --> 00:32:31.040
And I actually one day,
I went to a diner for breakfast and...

985
00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:35.520
Why are you laughing?

986
00:32:37.080 --> 00:32:39.600
So, yeah. I went to a diner
for breakfast there, there..

987
00:32:39.720 --> 00:32:41.920
I ordered some juice and such

988
00:32:42.040 --> 00:32:44.840
and then there the dishes came
and then the check came.

989
00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:48.840
And the check said 24 dollars,
I said, "Oh. Wow!"

990
00:32:49.440 --> 00:32:50.680
Then it said tip,

991
00:32:51.080 --> 00:32:53.520
so I wrote,
"Work hard and believe in yourself."

992
00:32:59.080 --> 00:33:00.320
Okay so...

993
00:33:00.560 --> 00:33:02.040
Okay let's do some...

994
00:33:03.040 --> 00:33:04.800
let's do some WhatsApp jokes yeah?

995
00:33:06.320 --> 00:33:09.040
What's with all these family
WhatsApp groups, am I right?

996
00:33:10.040 --> 00:33:12.320
Every morning same message they send.

997
00:33:12.440 --> 00:33:14.240
Every morning same message.

998
00:33:14.720 --> 00:33:17.360
"Hey Xavier,
stop sending good morning message man."

999
00:33:25.040 --> 00:33:28.280
"Sorry, I try to keep
in touch with Grandma. Sorry."

1000
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:32.920
What's with all these
WhatsApp friends groups am I right?

1001
00:33:33.080 --> 00:33:36.360
Every time they forget
to add you in the new group, right?

1002
00:33:39.040 --> 00:33:41.760
Now you have to bug them, beg them..bug them.

1003
00:33:41.960 --> 00:33:44.560
Like, "Hey idiots, don't forget
to add me in the group dudes."

1004
00:33:45.040 --> 00:33:46.720
Then they add you.

1005
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:50.000
Then everybody leaves the group, am I right?

1006
00:33:50.920 --> 00:33:52.440
"What are you thinking?"

1007
00:33:53.040 --> 00:33:54.240
Now they start the new group.

1008
00:33:54.320 --> 00:33:55.040
So again you say,

1009
00:33:55.080 --> 00:33:57.000
"Hello idiot, add me in the new group."

1010
00:33:58.000 --> 00:34:01.120
Then they're like,
"Hey Xavier, can't you get the message?"

1011
00:34:01.600 --> 00:34:04.960
I said, "No,
because you didn't add me to the group!"

1012
00:34:08.200 --> 00:34:09.680
Weird.

1013
00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:12.360
Weird.

1014
00:34:14.040 --> 00:34:15.040
Weird.

1015
00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:19.200
So lastly I will do some
improvisational humor, okay?

1016
00:34:19.280 --> 00:34:20.840
You know improvisational humor?

1017
00:34:21.120 --> 00:34:21.720
Yeah?

1018
00:34:21.800 --> 00:34:22.080
[Audience: Yeah]

1019
00:34:22.200 --> 00:34:22.680
Yeah?

1020
00:34:23.040 --> 00:34:24.200
Okay, don't show off.

1021
00:34:24.760 --> 00:34:26.720
So... okay.

1022
00:34:27.080 --> 00:34:29.080
I need a word of suggestion
from the audience.

1023
00:34:29.200 --> 00:34:29.760
Any word?

1024
00:34:29.840 --> 00:34:30.240
[Audience: Elephant]

1025
00:34:30.520 --> 00:34:31.040
Elephant?

1026
00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:33.040
[Indistinct words]

1027
00:34:34.040 --> 00:34:36.520
Okay, any fruit related words?

1028
00:34:39.800 --> 00:34:42.480
[Audience: Lemon. Strawberry, watermelon]

1029
00:34:42.560 --> 00:34:44.280
Watermelon?

1030
00:34:46.200 --> 00:34:47.040
Grapefruit?

1031
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:48.680
Muskmelon

1032
00:34:48.760 --> 00:34:49.920
Like muskmelon but...

1033
00:34:50.040 --> 00:34:50.960
it rhymes with

1034
00:34:52.040 --> 00:34:53.200
Ha Ha Ya

1035
00:34:55.480 --> 00:34:56.200
[Audience: Papaya]

1036
00:34:56.280 --> 00:34:57.360
Papaya?
Okay, yeah okay.

1037
00:34:57.440 --> 00:34:58.360
Let's try that.

1038
00:35:00.360 --> 00:35:01.080
Okay here we go.

1039
00:35:01.200 --> 00:35:02.480
Papaya jokes

1040
00:35:04.120 --> 00:35:06.800
Okay, so here's an improve joke on papaya.

1041
00:35:07.560 --> 00:35:08.080
Okay

1042
00:35:08.200 --> 00:35:10.320
So one day a father ask his son,

1043
00:35:10.440 --> 00:35:12.520
"Son, what you want to study in college?"

1044
00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:13.760
And the son says,

1045
00:35:14.040 --> 00:35:16.240
"Pappa, I want to study sociology."

1046
00:35:16.480 --> 00:35:17.120
And the pappa says,

1047
00:35:17.240 --> 00:35:18.040
"Sociology?"

1048
00:35:18.240 --> 00:35:20.360
"Are you sure you don't
want to study engineering?"

1049
00:35:20.680 --> 00:35:21.040
And he says,

1050
00:35:21.120 --> 00:35:22.960
"Pappa, No."

1051
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:25.040
And then he says,

1052
00:35:25.120 --> 00:35:26.120
"Are you sure...

1053
00:35:27.520 --> 00:35:28.240
Then he says...

1054
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:34.480
Okay then he says

1055
00:35:34.560 --> 00:35:36.600
"Are you sure you don't
want to study computer science?"

1056
00:35:36.720 --> 00:35:39.040
And he says, "Pappa no"

1057
00:35:48.960 --> 00:35:52.240
Then he says,

1058
00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:54.120
"Are you sure you don't
want to study mathematics?"

1059
00:35:54.200 --> 00:35:56.080
He says, "Pappa No."

1060
00:35:56.080 --> 00:35:56.680
Then he says,

1061
00:35:56.760 --> 00:35:59.480
"Are you sure you want
to study only sociology?"

1062
00:35:59.560 --> 00:36:00.920
And he says, "Yes pappa."

1063
00:36:00.920 --> 00:36:01.920
"Oh no what?!"

1064
00:36:02.200 --> 00:36:02.960
"Pappa yeah."

1065
00:36:03.040 --> 00:36:03.240
"No"

1066
00:36:03.320 --> 00:36:03.840
"Pa pa yeah"

1067
00:36:03.960 --> 00:36:04.680
"Oh no."

1068
00:36:15.040 --> 00:36:17.240
I learnt swimming
in this summer swimming camp.

1069
00:36:19.040 --> 00:36:21.560
I learnt in a summer swimming camp
when I was like a little baby alright!

1070
00:36:21.840 --> 00:36:23.240
Little small boy I was.

1071
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.120
And..

1072
00:36:24.320 --> 00:36:26.960
We didn't have a swimming coach
as much as a..

1073
00:36:27.040 --> 00:36:28.080
attempted child murderer.

1074
00:36:29.920 --> 00:36:32.040
Cause this guy's idea of teaching
swimming to children was

1075
00:36:32.120 --> 00:36:34.000
to throw them in the deep
end of the pool

1076
00:36:34.040 --> 00:36:35.440
and wait for their instincts to kick in.

1077
00:36:36.560 --> 00:36:37.040
And he will be like,

1078
00:36:37.080 --> 00:36:38.840
"Yeah, it's old school huh!
It's old school!

1079
00:36:38.960 --> 00:36:40.440
Instincts will come huh,
it's old school."

1080
00:36:40.520 --> 00:36:42.040
Yeah, we're not a school of freaking fish, dude.

1081
00:36:42.840 --> 00:36:44.000
What instincts will come dude?

1082
00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:47.360
And you know, he will justify it.

1083
00:36:47.480 --> 00:36:50.600
"Ah, this generation all waste,
waste generation.

1084
00:36:50.720 --> 00:36:53.040
When I was a baby my daddy
just threw me into the well!

1085
00:36:54.120 --> 00:36:55.040
He threw you?

1086
00:36:55.040 --> 00:36:57.520
Yea, he just threw me when I was
a baby into the well. He just threw me..."

1087
00:36:57.960 --> 00:36:59.280
I think your Dad is an alcoholic dude.

1088
00:37:01.120 --> 00:37:02.560
One time, I think I saw one of my friends,

1089
00:37:02.680 --> 00:37:03.920
he looked like he was drowning in the pool

1090
00:37:04.000 --> 00:37:06.280
because he was trying to say something,
whenever he got out he was like,

1091
00:37:06.360 --> 00:37:08.480
"I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1092
00:37:08.680 --> 00:37:10.600
I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1093
00:37:10.720 --> 00:37:11.920
I am swallowing a lot of wat...
[gurgles]

1094
00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:12.840
What are you swallowing, dude?

1095
00:37:13.040 --> 00:37:14.680
I am swallowing a lot of water...
[gurgles]

1096
00:37:14.760 --> 00:37:16.280
Then just say help no, dude?
Why are you...

1097
00:37:17.560 --> 00:37:18.920
Why is he beating around the bush?

1098
00:37:20.040 --> 00:37:22.480
I am swallowing a lot of water, water!!...

1099
00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:23.560
Water...

1100
00:37:23.680 --> 00:37:25.040
This is not a railway station dude,
relax.

1101
00:37:26.360 --> 00:37:28.040
Biryani...Biryani...

1102
00:37:29.040 --> 00:37:30.040
Tomato soup!

1103
00:37:34.040 --> 00:37:35.080
But... I still have to help him.

1104
00:37:35.200 --> 00:37:37.520
I stuck my hand out for him to reach,
and he couldn't reach my hand

1105
00:37:37.600 --> 00:37:38.760
so I stuck out my leg to pull

1106
00:37:39.040 --> 00:37:40.840
and he pulled my leg and me inside.

1107
00:37:41.120 --> 00:37:43.000
Now there's two kids drowning in the pool.

1108
00:37:43.240 --> 00:37:45.480
We are empathizing so hard
we are finishing each others sentences.

1109
00:37:45.560 --> 00:37:46.520
"I am swallowing a lot of,"

1110
00:37:46.520 --> 00:37:48.360
"Water!"

1111
00:37:52.240 --> 00:37:53.280
So this guy was trying to drown me

1112
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:55.360
and I said screw this guy and I kicked him, alright!

1113
00:37:55.560 --> 00:37:58.600
And in the momentum of that kick,
I started black floating.

1114
00:37:58.840 --> 00:38:01.040
Oh! This is a thing, oh...

1115
00:38:02.040 --> 00:38:03.040
Okay...

1116
00:38:04.560 --> 00:38:05.960
Cool.

1117
00:38:06.040 --> 00:38:06.960
But swimming coach is like

1118
00:38:07.000 --> 00:38:08.480
Hello Idiot, what are you doing?
That's not swimming!

1119
00:38:08.480 --> 00:38:09.800
Yeah, but I'm surviving though.

1120
00:38:11.720 --> 00:38:13.440
Chilling and surviving!

1121
00:38:15.040 --> 00:38:16.480
Now, when I got out of the pool
I was so excited

1122
00:38:16.560 --> 00:38:18.040
I wanted to tell all my friends
about this shit, right.

1123
00:38:18.040 --> 00:38:20.080
So I was like, "Guys, next time
he throws you inside a pool.

1124
00:38:20.360 --> 00:38:21.960
Just kinda fill your lungs with air

1125
00:38:22.040 --> 00:38:23.760
and your stomach with air
just kind of float on your back.

1126
00:38:24.720 --> 00:38:28.000
Now there's 30 kids on their back,
all lying motionless just...

1127
00:38:33.600 --> 00:38:34.800
When someone will come to the pool,
it'll look like

1128
00:38:34.920 --> 00:38:36.360
there's 30 dead kids in the pool.

1129
00:38:37.560 --> 00:38:38.920
Just dead with their eyes open.

1130
00:38:41.120 --> 00:38:43.760
These kids, they didn't even
know how to move their body

1131
00:38:43.840 --> 00:38:45.760
they didn't know how to change direction
when they were floating.

1132
00:38:46.280 --> 00:38:48.280
It's like they were stuck
in space or some shit.

1133
00:38:48.840 --> 00:38:51.120
The only way they knew to change direction
is if they came next to another kid,

1134
00:38:51.120 --> 00:38:52.800
They'll kick that kid... Woop!

1135
00:38:53.800 --> 00:38:54.560
They'll get out.

1136
00:38:57.560 --> 00:38:59.200
Never had much luck
with these summer camps.

1137
00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:00.720
Yeah I'd joined another summer camp

1138
00:39:01.040 --> 00:39:02.280
when I was in eleventh grade.

1139
00:39:04.040 --> 00:39:05.600
Thing is I watched
this Bruce Lee movie okay.

1140
00:39:05.720 --> 00:39:07.240
And I wanted..
to learn some of that shit.

1141
00:39:07.320 --> 00:39:07.920
You know that

1142
00:39:07.960 --> 00:39:08.720
Kachaak'
[Imitates smacking sound]

1143
00:39:08.960 --> 00:39:10.040
Wataak! You know that.

1144
00:39:10.040 --> 00:39:11.320
You know they touch
you in that sensitive place.

1145
00:39:11.440 --> 00:39:12.360
Wataak! And then one...

1146
00:39:13.120 --> 00:39:14.120
Touch you on your love handle, Kotaaak!

1147
00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:15.360
"No, that's sensitive, dude."

1148
00:39:17.720 --> 00:39:18.720
I wanted to learn some of that shit.

1149
00:39:18.800 --> 00:39:20.960
And I actually went
to join this Kung Fu academy in Coimbatore

1150
00:39:21.040 --> 00:39:22.040
it was called

1151
00:39:22.360 --> 00:39:24.320
Shankar Master Kung Fu Academy'

1152
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:29.040
Taekwondo and Kung Fu!'

1153
00:39:29.080 --> 00:39:30.120
"Taekwondo, c'mon!"

1154
00:39:30.240 --> 00:39:31.800
And I went there.

1155
00:39:32.240 --> 00:39:33.120
And

1156
00:39:33.240 --> 00:39:34.800
I realized they weren't
teaching you Kung Fu.

1157
00:39:34.920 --> 00:39:36.040
You just have to watch people do Kung Fu.

1158
00:39:36.040 --> 00:39:37.560
You have to figure it out for yourself.

1159
00:39:37.800 --> 00:39:39.480
And I remember going in there
on the first day.

1160
00:39:39.600 --> 00:39:40.360
And I was watching this guy.

1161
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:41.280
He was stretching his hands

1162
00:39:41.360 --> 00:39:42.280
so even I was stretching my hand.

1163
00:39:42.680 --> 00:39:43.600
And he was stretching his neck

1164
00:39:43.720 --> 00:39:45.040
so even I am like.
Okay even I'll stretch my neck.

1165
00:39:45.120 --> 00:39:46.040
He started stretching his leg.

1166
00:39:46.120 --> 00:39:48.040
And I can stretch my
leg about this much, right?

1167
00:39:48.080 --> 00:39:48.560
He took his leg.

1168
00:39:48.680 --> 00:39:50.360
He started spinning it around and shit.

1169
00:39:50.680 --> 00:39:52.600
"Dude, are you a GI Joe
or helicopter or what dude?"

1170
00:39:52.720 --> 00:39:53.200
"Huh?"

1171
00:39:53.440 --> 00:39:55.040
"Have you heard of the
concept of a groin or what dude?"

1172
00:39:55.040 --> 00:39:56.040
"Dude, how you are doing that?"

1173
00:39:56.280 --> 00:39:57.800
"How are you doing it with a groin dude?"

1174
00:39:58.080 --> 00:39:59.000
Kung Fu master is like,

1175
00:39:59.040 --> 00:40:00.040
"Hello idiot, why you not stretching?"

1176
00:40:00.120 --> 00:40:02.040
"Sir, by mistake I brought
my groin and came, sir."

1177
00:40:02.680 --> 00:40:05.040
"I did not know I am supposed
to keep my groin at home sir."

1178
00:40:05.280 --> 00:40:07.760
"Is there a groin locker where
I can keep my groin somewhere?"

1179
00:40:09.320 --> 00:40:09.680
He's like,

1180
00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:10.440
"Come, we'll fix it."

1181
00:40:10.520 --> 00:40:11.040
I was like,
"Huh?"

1182
00:40:13.040 --> 00:40:13.520
"Means what?"

1183
00:40:15.360 --> 00:40:16.040
He made me sit down.

1184
00:40:16.120 --> 00:40:16.800
And this actually happened.

1185
00:40:16.920 --> 00:40:18.120
He made me sit down on the ground.

1186
00:40:18.240 --> 00:40:20.000
He made me spread my legs out okay..

1187
00:40:20.120 --> 00:40:21.040
Wide

1188
00:40:21.720 --> 00:40:23.040
And he started pulling,

1189
00:40:23.040 --> 00:40:24.040
this leg out this way.

1190
00:40:24.080 --> 00:40:25.040
And this helicopter fellow

1191
00:40:25.120 --> 00:40:26.800
he started pulling my other leg that way.

1192
00:40:26.920 --> 00:40:27.360
And I was just like,

1193
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:29.600
"Aaah" [Moans in pain]

1194
00:40:31.040 --> 00:40:33.720
"Aaah" [Moans in pain]

1195
00:40:34.720 --> 00:40:36.480
"Something is breaking inside I think."

1196
00:40:38.040 --> 00:40:40.040
"Am I losing my virginity right now?"

1197
00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:43.320
"Is this how it happens?"

1198
00:40:45.040 --> 00:40:46.680
He's like,
"No you'll feel more flexible tomorrow."

1199
00:40:46.760 --> 00:40:49.040
"But I'm feeling very
violated now dude!!!"

1200
00:40:50.440 --> 00:40:51.760
After he deflowered me,

1201
00:40:53.040 --> 00:40:54.440
he made me get up...

1202
00:40:54.520 --> 00:40:55.520
Didn't even buy me a drink.

1203
00:40:55.600 --> 00:40:57.480
"Okay now everyone start
doing animal punches."

1204
00:40:57.560 --> 00:40:58.800
"Everyone start doing tiger punch."

1205
00:40:59.040 --> 00:40:59.440
"C'mon." And

1206
00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:00.320
I don't know what a tiger punch is.

1207
00:41:00.440 --> 00:41:01.480
I am like,
"Dude, what's a tiger punch?"

1208
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:02.720
Alright
But it sounded cool, right.

1209
00:41:02.800 --> 00:41:04.680
I'm like finally something
cool that I can learn

1210
00:41:04.920 --> 00:41:06.440
that I can use against bullies and stuff.

1211
00:41:06.520 --> 00:41:08.040
Some Bruce Lee shit, tiger punch, right?

1212
00:41:08.240 --> 00:41:09.120
And I ask him,
"What's this tiger punch?"

1213
00:41:09.240 --> 00:41:10.040
He's like,
"You have to bend your knee."

1214
00:41:10.280 --> 00:41:11.040
Okay I bend my knee.

1215
00:41:11.040 --> 00:41:12.120
"Then you have to make a tiger claw."

1216
00:41:12.560 --> 00:41:13.040
Make a tiger claw.

1217
00:41:13.040 --> 00:41:14.040
"Now you have to make a tiger sound."

1218
00:41:14.080 --> 00:41:14.760
I'm like,
"Huh?"

1219
00:41:16.040 --> 00:41:17.480
And everyone just keeps
casually going like,

1220
00:41:17.560 --> 00:41:19.040
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1221
00:41:19.240 --> 00:41:20.600
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1222
00:41:21.040 --> 00:41:22.040
Aaarrrr'
[Imitates tiger roar]

1223
00:41:22.040 --> 00:41:23.080
And I'm like,
"No bro."

1224
00:41:24.560 --> 00:41:25.960
"No bro."

1225
00:41:27.040 --> 00:41:28.040
Next
I swear he...

1226
00:41:28.120 --> 00:41:30.040
Next, last punch he
actually made us do this.

1227
00:41:30.120 --> 00:41:31.600
He said,
"Everyone start doing snake punch."

1228
00:41:31.720 --> 00:41:32.040
"C'mon."

1229
00:41:32.040 --> 00:41:32.360
"Snake punch."

1230
00:41:32.480 --> 00:41:33.200
I am like,
"What?"

1231
00:41:33.360 --> 00:41:34.040
"What are they punching with...

1232
00:41:34.120 --> 00:41:35.040
...these snakes?"

1233
00:41:36.040 --> 00:41:36.920
"Snakes don't have hands."

1234
00:41:37.000 --> 00:41:37.760
But everyone just goes,

1235
00:41:37.840 --> 00:41:40.040
Kzzissh..Kzzissh.'
[Imitates hissing sound]

1236
00:41:40.040 --> 00:41:41.040
But I get creative right?

1237
00:41:41.040 --> 00:41:42.200
So I am like,
"Oh, I'm a rattle snake."

1238
00:41:42.280 --> 00:41:43.520
Kurrrr.'
[Imitates rattling sound]

1239
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:44.840
Kurrrr.'
[Imitates rattling sound]

1240
00:41:45.440 --> 00:41:46.280
"Idiot which snake is this?"

1241
00:41:46.360 --> 00:41:47.240
"Sir. Rattle snake sir."

1242
00:41:47.320 --> 00:41:48.320
"No, only Indian snakes."

1243
00:41:48.440 --> 00:41:49.600
"Umm..Cobra!"

1244
00:41:49.840 --> 00:41:50.680
"Cobra."

1245
00:41:50.920 --> 00:41:51.560
"Cobra..spit!"

1246
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:53.040
"Venom!"

1247
00:41:53.360 --> 00:41:54.040
"Venom spit"

1248
00:41:55.040 --> 00:41:56.480
He's like,
"Hey idiot, don't spit."

1249
00:41:57.040 --> 00:41:57.920
"Use your hands."

1250
00:41:58.000 --> 00:41:59.360
"Uh. Spit, venom."

1251
00:41:59.480 --> 00:42:00.520
"In your face."

1252
00:42:00.600 --> 00:42:02.040
"You are blind now, master."

1253
00:42:02.040 --> 00:42:02.760
"Shankar."

1254
00:42:02.840 --> 00:42:03.440
"Blind venom."

1255
00:42:04.040 --> 00:42:06.440
"Suck it out now sir, please."

1256
00:42:10.600 --> 00:42:11.080
You know but I

1257
00:42:11.560 --> 00:42:12.040
I kinda.

1258
00:42:12.200 --> 00:42:14.280
You know I feel bad for these coaches,
these teachers.

1259
00:42:14.480 --> 00:42:16.040
because I kinda empathize
with them actually.

1260
00:42:16.080 --> 00:42:17.000
Because...

1261
00:42:18.040 --> 00:42:18.360
I was a..

1262
00:42:18.480 --> 00:42:19.360
I was a teacher myself.

1263
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:20.920
At one point of time in my life.

1264
00:42:22.040 --> 00:42:23.040
Right here in Bangalore in fact...

1265
00:42:23.120 --> 00:42:24.040
When I was in college

1266
00:42:24.320 --> 00:42:27.040
I actually joined this NGO

1267
00:42:27.040 --> 00:42:28.840
that taught underprivileged children, English.

1268
00:42:30.040 --> 00:42:30.520
Yeah

1269
00:42:31.000 --> 00:42:31.560
[Audience hoots]

1270
00:42:31.680 --> 00:42:32.320
Right when I was in college...

1271
00:42:32.440 --> 00:42:33.040
I know

1272
00:42:34.440 --> 00:42:36.800
What am I an angel or something?

1273
00:42:37.480 --> 00:42:39.040
Stop it!

1274
00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:40.760
Stop it!

1275
00:42:40.840 --> 00:42:42.600
I know!

1276
00:42:44.120 --> 00:42:45.320
Yeah, it was a real NGO.

1277
00:42:45.440 --> 00:42:46.600
I actually taught over here.

1278
00:42:46.720 --> 00:42:48.120
And I was all up in my head about it.
I was like,

1279
00:42:48.240 --> 00:42:50.360
"Man, at such a young
age I am doing social work?"

1280
00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:51.040
"Wow."

1281
00:42:51.040 --> 00:42:52.960
"They are going to make
me a movie about me one day."

1282
00:42:53.600 --> 00:42:56.240
"Mr. Empathy, the Naveen Richard story."

1283
00:42:56.760 --> 00:42:57.320
"Starring.."

1284
00:42:58.120 --> 00:42:59.080
"Benedict Cumberbatch"

1285
00:43:00.040 --> 00:43:00.720
You know..

1286
00:43:01.960 --> 00:43:02.600
And they're going
to interview him one day.

1287
00:43:02.720 --> 00:43:03.520
They'll be like,
"Mr.Cumberbatch.."

1288
00:43:03.600 --> 00:43:07.040
"How do you..get into the
skin of Naveen Richard's character?"

1289
00:43:07.280 --> 00:43:09.040
"Well, how do you relate to someone.."

1290
00:43:09.200 --> 00:43:11.560
"so profoundly empathetic
as Naveen Richard?"

1291
00:43:11.840 --> 00:43:14.520
"I booked myself a first
class ticket to his hometown."

1292
00:43:14.600 --> 00:43:16.560
"And, of course all my
luggage was in plastic bags."

1293
00:43:17.560 --> 00:43:20.720
"I got my ass handed to me
by Shankar Master himself, in fact."

1294
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:23.840
I was damn excited.

1295
00:43:23.960 --> 00:43:24.280
Here's the thing,

1296
00:43:24.360 --> 00:43:26.040
I thought I am going to
be one of those teachers who

1297
00:43:26.080 --> 00:43:28.000
wins the kids over with love and empathy.

1298
00:43:28.120 --> 00:43:28.560
But here's the thing,

1299
00:43:28.680 --> 00:43:29.920
these kids, they..

1300
00:43:30.200 --> 00:43:32.720
They grew up around poverty and violence..

1301
00:43:34.040 --> 00:43:35.440
When you grow up around
those kinda conditions,

1302
00:43:35.520 --> 00:43:37.320
you don't understand love and empathy,

1303
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:38.600
you only understand..violence.

1304
00:43:40.040 --> 00:43:41.560
Okay, so when I went
there on that first day,

1305
00:43:41.680 --> 00:43:42.120
just,

1306
00:43:42.520 --> 00:43:44.040
just fully vulnerable..like a...

1307
00:43:45.080 --> 00:43:46.040
Vulnerable Vimala

1308
00:43:46.120 --> 00:43:47.440
I just went in there

1309
00:43:48.280 --> 00:43:49.440
opened my heart out to them like

1310
00:43:49.520 --> 00:43:52.040
"I'm more than a teacher,
I am a unicorn!"

1311
00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:55.720
They rode my ass like one local bus, dude.

1312
00:44:00.680 --> 00:44:01.200
Literally!

1313
00:44:01.280 --> 00:44:03.120
I thought I'll
give them a piggy back ride one by one,

1314
00:44:03.200 --> 00:44:05.280
but all ten of them jumped
on me at the same time!

1315
00:44:06.120 --> 00:44:07.200
They were just disrespecting me.

1316
00:44:07.280 --> 00:44:08.560
Constantly disrespecting me.

1317
00:44:08.680 --> 00:44:09.040
And..

1318
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:10.560
Here's the thing,
I wanted to hit them.

1319
00:44:10.680 --> 00:44:11.080
Alright?

1320
00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:12.720
I wanted to hit them.

1321
00:44:13.040 --> 00:44:14.000
And the thing is,
I have been hit.

1322
00:44:14.240 --> 00:44:14.560
Growing up.

1323
00:44:14.680 --> 00:44:15.080
I'm sure you've been hit.

1324
00:44:15.200 --> 00:44:16.560
Make some noise,
been hit, growing up?

1325
00:44:16.760 --> 00:44:18.040
[Audience cheers loudly]

1326
00:44:18.040 --> 00:44:19.120
Hit by hand, make some noise.

1327
00:44:20.440 --> 00:44:21.840
Hit with a stick, make some noise.

1328
00:44:22.800 --> 00:44:24.240
Pushed out of moving car, make some noise.

1329
00:44:25.040 --> 00:44:25.680
Just me and you.

1330
00:44:25.760 --> 00:44:26.440
Alright buddy.

1331
00:44:27.800 --> 00:44:28.600
My condolences.

1332
00:44:30.600 --> 00:44:31.440
My parents would always hit me.

1333
00:44:31.520 --> 00:44:33.360
You know,
my mom would hit me before the exam

1334
00:44:33.480 --> 00:44:34.920
to make sure I pass the exam.

1335
00:44:35.040 --> 00:44:37.360
My dad would hit me after the exam
because I failed the exam.

1336
00:44:38.040 --> 00:44:39.680
It was just a vicious
cycle of hitting man.

1337
00:44:42.560 --> 00:44:43.440
Wanted to freakin' hit those kids.

1338
00:44:43.520 --> 00:44:45.480
I couldn't hit those kids because

1339
00:44:45.560 --> 00:44:46.960
I worked at an NGO.

1340
00:44:47.280 --> 00:44:48.920
That didn't believe in hitting children.

1341
00:44:50.800 --> 00:44:51.280
I know.

1342
00:44:54.040 --> 00:44:57.040
I don't know if there's any NGO that
does believe in hitting children though.

1343
00:44:57.200 --> 00:44:57.960
Some NGO that's like,

1344
00:44:58.040 --> 00:44:59.360
"Are you feeling bad to hit your child?"

1345
00:44:59.480 --> 00:45:00.040
"Send them to us."

1346
00:45:00.120 --> 00:45:01.720
"And we will hit them for you!"

1347
00:45:02.560 --> 00:45:04.040
"For free because we are an NGO."

1348
00:45:04.840 --> 00:45:06.000
"Hit a kid NGO."
"Donate now."

1349
00:45:07.800 --> 00:45:09.440
I feel like there's a market for an NGO

1350
00:45:09.520 --> 00:45:10.480
that hits children though.

1351
00:45:10.560 --> 00:45:11.680
I feel like there should be an NGO

1352
00:45:11.760 --> 00:45:12.440
that hits children.

1353
00:45:12.520 --> 00:45:13.560
because nowadays all these NGOs

1354
00:45:13.680 --> 00:45:14.840
they are all trying to do the same thing.

1355
00:45:15.040 --> 00:45:16.720
They are all trying to
make underprivileged children

1356
00:45:16.800 --> 00:45:18.040
feel better about themselves right?

1357
00:45:18.240 --> 00:45:19.240
But shouldn't there be an NGO

1358
00:45:19.480 --> 00:45:20.720
that makes over privileged children

1359
00:45:20.720 --> 00:45:21.760
feel shitty about themselves?

1360
00:45:22.760 --> 00:45:23.600
Yeah

1361
00:45:25.280 --> 00:45:26.840
That's right.

1362
00:45:27.720 --> 00:45:28.560
Now all these NGOs

1363
00:45:28.680 --> 00:45:30.040
they are always trying
to do the same thing again.

1364
00:45:30.080 --> 00:45:32.480
They are all just trying
to take pictures of poor children,

1365
00:45:32.800 --> 00:45:33.240
looking happy,

1366
00:45:33.320 --> 00:45:35.000
they show that to you,
you feel good right?

1367
00:45:35.120 --> 00:45:36.080
Poor children looking happy?

1368
00:45:36.320 --> 00:45:37.760
But wouldn't you want
to see a picture of a rich kid

1369
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:38.600
looking sad?

1370
00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:40.600
Yeah

1371
00:45:41.920 --> 00:45:42.720
You know those kids who

1372
00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:46.040
stick their head out of the sunroof
of these expensive cars and drive around?

1373
00:45:46.680 --> 00:45:47.320
Yeah imagine that.

1374
00:45:47.440 --> 00:45:48.600
But there's a volleyball
hitting their face,

1375
00:45:48.720 --> 00:45:49.360
Fataaaak'
[Imitates smacking sound]

1376
00:45:50.680 --> 00:45:52.040
"Hit a kid NGO. Donate now."

1377
00:45:53.600 --> 00:45:55.440
"Donation accepted
in cash and volleyball."

1378
00:45:56.960 --> 00:45:57.920
I realized,
now here's the thing man

1379
00:45:58.000 --> 00:45:59.360
I didn't have the ending that I wanted.

1380
00:45:59.480 --> 00:46:01.440
I didn't want my movie to end on that.

1381
00:46:01.680 --> 00:46:04.120
I needed that heart-warm,
bittersweet movie ending.

1382
00:46:04.240 --> 00:46:06.240
You know how those movies end
and teacher really connects to them.

1383
00:46:06.760 --> 00:46:07.920
So I thought I need
to think out of the box.

1384
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:08.360
So one day,

1385
00:46:08.760 --> 00:46:11.440
I actually said this to the kids,
I actually said to the kids,

1386
00:46:11.520 --> 00:46:13.120
"Kids, today you can ask
me anything that you want."

1387
00:46:13.520 --> 00:46:16.560
"Outside of these textbooks and
outside of the walls of this orphanage."

1388
00:46:16.680 --> 00:46:17.480
"Anything that you want."

1389
00:46:18.040 --> 00:46:20.600
And I thought they'll
ask me something sweet, like...

1390
00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:24.840
"Uncle, what's it like to have a family?"

1391
00:46:26.080 --> 00:46:27.200
And I'd say, "Well kids...

1392
00:46:28.120 --> 00:46:29.040
...let's find out."

1393
00:46:30.040 --> 00:46:31.520
And I'd give them a group hug.

1394
00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:34.000
And I'd make them feel like family.

1395
00:46:35.040 --> 00:46:36.280
And in this beautiful, bittersweet moment,

1396
00:46:36.360 --> 00:46:37.520
the camera would zoom out,

1397
00:46:37.600 --> 00:46:39.040
and the credits would roll.

1398
00:46:41.520 --> 00:46:42.320
But these kids you know.

1399
00:46:45.040 --> 00:46:47.000
Really threw me in the
deep end of the pool that day.

1400
00:46:48.920 --> 00:46:50.040
They actually asked
me these three questions.

1401
00:46:51.240 --> 00:46:51.840
I shit you not.

1402
00:46:52.040 --> 00:46:53.040
They asked me these three questions.

1403
00:46:53.040 --> 00:46:54.320
First, question this kid gets up and asks,

1404
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:56.320
"Uncle, what does this mean?"

1405
00:46:56.440 --> 00:47:00.000
And he points to a logo that's
on this other kid's t-shirt, right?

1406
00:47:00.040 --> 00:47:01.280
And I go and look at that logo.

1407
00:47:01.600 --> 00:47:03.040
It's that playboy bunny, alright?

1408
00:47:04.960 --> 00:47:05.600
I'm..now..here's the thing,

1409
00:47:05.720 --> 00:47:08.000
I don't wanna start talking
about sex and have my movie

1410
00:47:08.040 --> 00:47:11.560
go from bring some inspirational movie to
some Michael Jackson documentary and shit.

1411
00:47:12.040 --> 00:47:12.680
I don't want that.

1412
00:47:12.840 --> 00:47:13.480
So I was just like..

1413
00:47:13.560 --> 00:47:14.240
Uh..that..uh..'
[Stammers]

1414
00:47:14.320 --> 00:47:17.120
That..uh..buh..that's a bunny.'
[Stammers]

1415
00:47:17.200 --> 00:47:18.360
It's a bunny.'

1416
00:47:18.920 --> 00:47:21.600
I'm a unicorn man, I don't know man.'

1417
00:47:23.520 --> 00:47:24.560
Please god let it be a sweet...

1418
00:47:24.680 --> 00:47:26.560
Just let it be something simple. Right?

1419
00:47:26.680 --> 00:47:27.200
This kid gets up.

1420
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:27.960
Another kid gets up.

1421
00:47:28.480 --> 00:47:31.320
"Uncle. If a ghost stands
in front of the mirror,

1422
00:47:31.680 --> 00:47:33.920
can you see the reflection
of the ghost in the mirror?"

1423
00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:39.040
This is the most specifically hypothetical
question I've ever been asked.

1424
00:47:39.480 --> 00:47:40.280
I've never seen a ghost,

1425
00:47:40.360 --> 00:47:42.080
let alone a ghost standing
in front of the mirror, dude.

1426
00:47:42.200 --> 00:47:44.280
Who's this self conscious
ghost that's standing there like,

1427
00:47:44.960 --> 00:47:47.040
"Is my skin looking
pale today?" or some shit.

1428
00:47:48.000 --> 00:47:49.440
Just God. Just a simple question.

1429
00:47:49.720 --> 00:47:51.240
Please let there be one simple question.

1430
00:47:51.680 --> 00:47:53.040
Third question this kid gets up and asks,

1431
00:47:53.360 --> 00:47:55.440
"Uncle. Is God real?"

1432
00:47:57.520 --> 00:47:57.960
Yeah!!

1433
00:47:58.600 --> 00:47:59.600
What am I supposed to say?

1434
00:48:00.040 --> 00:48:01.480
If I say no, god is not real,

1435
00:48:01.560 --> 00:48:04.480
then it's like I'm starting a
little atheist cult of orphan children.

1436
00:48:05.520 --> 00:48:06.960
But if I say yes, god is real,

1437
00:48:07.040 --> 00:48:08.960
then they'll be like,
"Uncle, which god is real?"

1438
00:48:09.360 --> 00:48:10.920
Then I'll say,
"Well, your parents' god is real."

1439
00:48:11.040 --> 00:48:11.280
They'll be like,

1440
00:48:11.360 --> 00:48:13.040
"Does that mean his
parents' god is not real?"

1441
00:48:13.120 --> 00:48:15.000
Now I don't wanna start
a small mini communal riot

1442
00:48:15.040 --> 00:48:15.840
in my classroom.

1443
00:48:16.440 --> 00:48:17.320
So I'm just like,

1444
00:48:17.560 --> 00:48:19.280
See. No. See ...'

1445
00:48:19.600 --> 00:48:22.000
I have to start making up some shit, right?

1446
00:48:22.040 --> 00:48:23.520
If I say, I have to start
making up some shit like,

1447
00:48:23.600 --> 00:48:25.920
"See God is,
see religion, is a construct."

1448
00:48:26.040 --> 00:48:28.360
"It's a kind of a medium
to kind of reach this higher power."

1449
00:48:28.600 --> 00:48:29.560
"This kind of an energy"

1450
00:48:29.680 --> 00:48:31.280
"that we cannot connect
to through science."

1451
00:48:31.360 --> 00:48:33.720
"Science does not have
technology to connect to this higher power..."

1452
00:48:33.800 --> 00:48:35.760
"But you can feel God and his energy.."

1453
00:48:35.840 --> 00:48:38.000
"Through doing smaller, kinder acts."

1454
00:48:38.040 --> 00:48:39.040
"You know, you could meditate."

1455
00:48:39.080 --> 00:48:40.600
"You can help the poor."

1456
00:48:40.720 --> 00:48:42.040
"You can empathize with them."

1457
00:48:42.280 --> 00:48:44.320
"You can smell a stranger's
fart and not acknowledge it."

1458
00:48:44.920 --> 00:48:46.480
Now I am starting my
own religion basically.

1459
00:48:47.040 --> 00:48:48.560
Little cockroach baba cult over here.

1460
00:48:48.680 --> 00:48:50.320
Like, "You are all cockroach."

1461
00:48:50.720 --> 00:48:52.920
"We are all cockroach."

1462
00:48:54.960 --> 00:48:56.920
Now they are going to freakin'
start a whole religion,

1463
00:48:57.440 --> 00:48:58.960
preaching my philosophies and shit.

1464
00:48:59.040 --> 00:48:59.760
Stuff like,

1465
00:49:00.040 --> 00:49:02.960
"Be careful before
giving hindsight advice."

1466
00:49:03.320 --> 00:49:05.480
"If your friend takes
too long in the bathroom,"

1467
00:49:05.560 --> 00:49:06.320
"be patient."

1468
00:49:06.720 --> 00:49:08.040
"If he takes two days in the bathroom,"

1469
00:49:08.080 --> 00:49:10.000
"he has become the patient."

1470
00:49:13.960 --> 00:49:15.240
I didn't wanna start a whole religion man.

1471
00:49:15.320 --> 00:49:16.240
But I still have to sit and I have to

1472
00:49:16.600 --> 00:49:18.040
answer these questions right?

1473
00:49:18.040 --> 00:49:19.080
I am just standing there,

1474
00:49:19.200 --> 00:49:23.000
"See god is a,
see god is a, god, see god no, God is...

1475
00:49:23.120 --> 00:49:27.200
God, god is a, god is a,
god, see god is a, god, see, god, see..."

1476
00:49:27.280 --> 00:49:29.120
"I'll tell you what this playboy is,
alright.."

1477
00:49:36.800 --> 00:49:39.040
The reason I wanted to do
this special in Bangalore is because,

1478
00:49:39.040 --> 00:49:41.480
I realized I relate to you guys more than

1479
00:49:41.760 --> 00:49:43.920
almost any other city in the world,
you know?

1480
00:49:44.440 --> 00:49:45.040
There's this connection.

1481
00:49:45.120 --> 00:49:45.720
You know what I mean?

1482
00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:46.800
Eh. There's this.
You relate.

1483
00:49:46.920 --> 00:49:48.280
We relate to these freakin' jokes man.

1484
00:49:49.040 --> 00:49:49.800
I realized,

1485
00:49:49.920 --> 00:49:51.360
I've been in Bombay for about three years.

1486
00:49:51.480 --> 00:49:52.560
And I like the people there.

1487
00:49:52.680 --> 00:49:53.600
It's a freakin' awesome city,

1488
00:49:53.720 --> 00:49:55.040
But I realized I don't relate to them.

1489
00:49:56.040 --> 00:49:57.080
The day I realized that is when

1490
00:49:57.680 --> 00:49:59.960
they tried to make Hindi
the national language.

1491
00:50:00.200 --> 00:50:00.960
You remember that?

1492
00:50:01.320 --> 00:50:02.000
Yeah

1493
00:50:02.040 --> 00:50:03.960
And I looked around for people to resist.

1494
00:50:05.600 --> 00:50:06.520
But all the Bombay people were like,

1495
00:50:06.520 --> 00:50:07.480
"Yeah, so what?"

1496
00:50:08.520 --> 00:50:09.800
"It's a good thing."

1497
00:50:10.040 --> 00:50:11.240
"It's a good thing."

1498
00:50:11.320 --> 00:50:13.040
I'm like,
"Get lost, you bastard."

1499
00:50:14.040 --> 00:50:14.680
"Hey!"

1500
00:50:18.600 --> 00:50:21.000
"Hello Kamal Hassan uncle,
please come and shout at them, please."

1501
00:50:24.280 --> 00:50:25.080
They were like,
"No, no, no."

1502
00:50:25.200 --> 00:50:25.800
Then they backtracked.

1503
00:50:25.920 --> 00:50:27.600
"No, not national language,
just second language."

1504
00:50:27.720 --> 00:50:29.040
"Make it a compulsory second language."

1505
00:50:29.080 --> 00:50:30.480
And I'm like,
"It doesn't help shit."

1506
00:50:30.920 --> 00:50:32.320
I've learned second language
Hindi my whole life.

1507
00:50:32.440 --> 00:50:34.240
You guys have all studied
second language Hindi, yeah?

1508
00:50:34.760 --> 00:50:35.640
It doesn't, it doesn't help.

1509
00:50:35.680 --> 00:50:36.960
Because when you have
time to sit and think

1510
00:50:37.040 --> 00:50:38.800
and write in a second language exam.

1511
00:50:39.040 --> 00:50:39.440
You can be like,

1512
00:50:39.520 --> 00:50:42.040
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Mango is my favorite fruit because

1513
00:50:42.360 --> 00:50:43.680
it's very tasty."

1514
00:50:43.760 --> 00:50:45.720
"Hence it's my favorite fruit."

1515
00:50:46.000 --> 00:50:46.960
That's the whole composition.

1516
00:50:47.040 --> 00:50:48.280
Just, 'Because blah blah blah,"

1517
00:50:48.280 --> 00:50:49.680
"Hence blah blah blah."

1518
00:50:50.480 --> 00:50:52.760
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Because mango is, orange and tasty."

1519
00:50:52.840 --> 00:50:53.840
"And hence,"

1520
00:50:53.840 --> 00:50:55.240
"Mango is tasty and orange."

1521
00:50:55.320 --> 00:50:56.120
"Because"

1522
00:50:56.520 --> 00:50:58.000
"hence, since it's orange."

1523
00:50:58.080 --> 00:51:00.040
"Mango is on the tree."

1524
00:51:00.120 --> 00:51:00.760
"Hence,"

1525
00:51:01.040 --> 00:51:01.840
"favorite"

1526
00:51:03.040 --> 00:51:03.760
"Because"

1527
00:51:06.960 --> 00:51:08.040
"during the hot hot season."

1528
00:51:08.120 --> 00:51:09.840
"hence...because...hot hot."

1529
00:51:11.440 --> 00:51:12.960
"Mango is tasty."

1530
00:51:14.680 --> 00:51:15.200
You won't relate man.

1531
00:51:15.280 --> 00:51:15.960
And that's the thing,

1532
00:51:16.040 --> 00:51:17.040
when you are in a practical situation

1533
00:51:17.120 --> 00:51:18.280
I realized it doesn't actually help.

1534
00:51:18.360 --> 00:51:20.600
Because one time I was
actually driving..in Bombay.

1535
00:51:20.720 --> 00:51:21.960
And I stopped at a signal.

1536
00:51:22.040 --> 00:51:23.080
And this one cycle guy

1537
00:51:23.200 --> 00:51:24.000
hit my rear view mirror.

1538
00:51:24.040 --> 00:51:25.000
And then I was so mad.

1539
00:51:25.040 --> 00:51:26.320
And I thought,
okay, think about all the compositions.

1540
00:51:26.360 --> 00:51:29.000
and all the non detailed stories,
and all the Kabir

1541
00:51:29.040 --> 00:51:31.080
And all the "What you have to do today,
do it today, tomorrow you will do when?"

1542
00:51:31.200 --> 00:51:31.840
Whatever the hell.

1543
00:51:32.280 --> 00:51:33.240
I thought about all that.

1544
00:51:33.320 --> 00:51:34.320
I thought about all that.

1545
00:51:35.000 --> 00:51:36.040
Processing all of that.

1546
00:51:36.040 --> 00:51:37.280
And the only thing that came out is

1547
00:51:37.360 --> 00:51:38.320
"Come on man!"

1548
00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:41.080
"Man!!!"

1549
00:51:42.440 --> 00:51:44.000
"Ugh..man man."

1550
00:51:44.040 --> 00:51:45.760
"Just man, man."

1551
00:51:47.360 --> 00:51:47.920
People were very sweet.

1552
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:48.840
They were like
"What happened?"

1553
00:51:48.960 --> 00:51:52.200
"Nothing man, that man
hit my man, man!!"

1554
00:51:59.360 --> 00:52:00.240
Doesn't actually help man.

1555
00:52:00.320 --> 00:52:02.600
This other time I actually
ordered a cab okay,

1556
00:52:02.720 --> 00:52:04.840
and this hatchback came.

1557
00:52:05.040 --> 00:52:07.040
And it had this tall back door.

1558
00:52:07.040 --> 00:52:08.480
You've seen these cabs
with these tall back doors?

1559
00:52:08.560 --> 00:52:09.040
It's much taller than you,

1560
00:52:09.120 --> 00:52:11.040
it looks like a swan neck
or something to me you know?

1561
00:52:11.320 --> 00:52:12.520
And I didn't realize how tall it was.

1562
00:52:12.600 --> 00:52:13.960
So when I opened
I hit myself with it.

1563
00:52:14.040 --> 00:52:14.840
Fataak'
I hit myself.

1564
00:52:14.960 --> 00:52:15.480
I cut my lip.

1565
00:52:15.560 --> 00:52:16.360
And I was just so mad,

1566
00:52:16.480 --> 00:52:17.280
I didn't know what I was saying,

1567
00:52:17.360 --> 00:52:18.360
I was just saying something like,

1568
00:52:18.600 --> 00:52:19.040
"Brother,

1569
00:52:19.040 --> 00:52:21.040
[Speaks gibberish Hindi]
"Why is your car's door like this

1570
00:52:21.200 --> 00:52:24.760
"Like a swan neck or something."

1571
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:26.680
"You know swan?"

1572
00:52:26.920 --> 00:52:28.760
"Like the ugly duckling that grew up."

1573
00:52:29.200 --> 00:52:30.240
"And learned that beautiful
comes from the inside,"

1574
00:52:30.320 --> 00:52:31.440
"and not from the outside,"

1575
00:52:32.040 --> 00:52:32.800
"Ugly, ugly."

1576
00:52:32.920 --> 00:52:34.720
"The opposite of beautiful."

1577
00:52:35.040 --> 00:52:40.000
"Duckling!
Like the animal that goes quack quack!"

1578
00:52:40.040 --> 00:52:41.720
"You know, like the pigeon."

1579
00:52:41.800 --> 00:52:42.600
"But this one's in the water."

1580
00:52:42.720 --> 00:52:44.040
"It's like a water pigeon."

1581
00:52:44.320 --> 00:52:47.080
"Goes on water and land as well."

1582
00:52:47.200 --> 00:52:49.520
"And sometimes sometimes flies when it gets cold,"

1583
00:52:49.600 --> 00:52:52.920
"during sweater wearing season,
it travels down South,"

1584
00:52:53.000 --> 00:52:55.320
"opposite of the equator."

1585
00:52:55.520 --> 00:52:56.040
"And hence...."

1586
00:52:56.120 --> 00:52:57.280
"Why is your door like this?"

1587
00:52:57.920 --> 00:53:00.360
"I opened it a little too fast and now,"

1588
00:53:00.480 --> 00:53:01.480
"It's cut my lips."

1589
00:53:01.720 --> 00:53:02.080
"Lips you know,"

1590
00:53:02.200 --> 00:53:03.080
"The thing you kiss with."

1591
00:53:03.520 --> 00:53:05.120
"Just like this"

1592
00:53:05.720 --> 00:53:07.040
"Put it..."

1593
00:53:07.040 --> 00:53:07.480
"Pleasure toy"

1594
00:53:07.520 --> 00:53:08.200
"Cooking oil"

1595
00:53:08.320 --> 00:53:08.680
"Put it"

1596
00:53:08.720 --> 00:53:09.080
"Put it sir"

1597
00:53:09.120 --> 00:53:09.840
"Put it"

1598
00:53:10.360 --> 00:53:10.760
"Full"

1599
00:53:10.840 --> 00:53:12.040
"Red is coming, sir"

1600
00:53:12.040 --> 00:53:13.200
"What's this?"

1601
00:53:15.040 --> 00:53:16.080
"Would you happen to
have some ice on you sir?"

1602
00:53:18.360 --> 00:53:19.040
He did not have any ice,

1603
00:53:19.040 --> 00:53:20.080
so he drove a little bit ahead

1604
00:53:20.360 --> 00:53:21.440
stopped in the middle of the road.

1605
00:53:21.760 --> 00:53:22.960
He said,
"You'll find it there."

1606
00:53:23.040 --> 00:53:23.360
I'm like, "Where?"

1607
00:53:23.480 --> 00:53:24.760
"There! Go! Go!."

1608
00:53:24.840 --> 00:53:25.240
I look outside,

1609
00:53:25.320 --> 00:53:27.480
it's a freakin' falooda stand, dude.

1610
00:53:27.560 --> 00:53:28.840
Now I have to ask the falooda guy for ice.

1611
00:53:29.040 --> 00:53:30.520
But I have to explain
to him why I need the ice.

1612
00:53:30.600 --> 00:53:33.040
"Brother, that swan-like
door of the car hit me hard."

1613
00:53:33.040 --> 00:53:34.280
"Opened it real fast."

1614
00:53:34.360 --> 00:53:35.800
"And now my lips,"

1615
00:53:36.040 --> 00:53:37.040
are all red."

1616
00:53:37.080 --> 00:53:39.040
"Hence, please will you give me ice..."

1617
00:53:40.760 --> 00:53:42.080
"Please will you give me some, grandfather?"

1618
00:53:43.360 --> 00:53:43.960
He was very sweet.

1619
00:53:44.040 --> 00:53:45.240
He actually reached into this thing and

1620
00:53:45.320 --> 00:53:46.560
gave me two naked ice cubes.

1621
00:53:46.680 --> 00:53:47.480
Two naked ice cubes!

1622
00:53:47.560 --> 00:53:48.080
No cover or anything.

1623
00:53:48.200 --> 00:53:49.360
I took it, it slipped and it fell.

1624
00:53:49.680 --> 00:53:51.720
"Sir, why are you giving
me cold naked water?"

1625
00:53:52.280 --> 00:53:54.760
"This cold naked water is all Gandhi now!"

1626
00:53:54.840 --> 00:53:58.360
"Sorry I meant dirty.
Gandhi is the father of our nation."

1627
00:53:58.760 --> 00:54:00.080
"The opposite of father is mother."

1628
00:54:00.200 --> 00:54:01.440
"Our mother and father are like God."

1629
00:54:01.520 --> 00:54:04.040
"One day, we will triumph."

1630
00:54:04.240 --> 00:54:05.760
"No problem,
I'll just suck the blood,"

1631
00:54:05.840 --> 00:54:06.840
"Like this."

1632
00:54:07.080 --> 00:54:09.520
"Like a vampire."

1633
00:54:09.960 --> 00:54:10.440
"You know vampire?"

1634
00:54:10.520 --> 00:54:12.080
"Like a man who turns into a bat."

1635
00:54:12.600 --> 00:54:13.280
"A bat, you know?"

1636
00:54:13.360 --> 00:54:14.240
Not this kind of bat...

1637
00:54:15.040 --> 00:54:17.440
"A pigeon of the night sir!
A pigeon of the night!"

1638
00:54:17.520 --> 00:54:18.720
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen

1639
00:54:18.800 --> 00:54:19.760
You guys have been wonderful.

1640
00:54:21.040 --> 00:54:23.040
Thank you so much Bangalore.

1641
00:54:23.800 --> 00:54:24.800
Thank you, good night.