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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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‎各位先生女士

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎請歡迎…勞勃許奈德

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‎感謝各位，謝謝，鹽湖城！

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‎你一定行！大家好嗎？

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‎你們知道我最近意識到什麼嗎？

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‎我這把年紀已經…
‎也不是說我對性愛興趣缺缺

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‎而是餅乾對我也有相當的吸引力

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‎你們懂吧？

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‎“那是什麼餅乾？

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‎麻煩移動尊奶，妳擋住餅乾了，對

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‎那個奶子下面的餅乾
‎就是那個口味，來個兩片

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‎感謝妳，謝謝”

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‎2、30歲的人還無法體會箇中道理

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‎2、30歲的人都只想飲酒作樂

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‎“要大醉特醉嗎？”
‎“好，開喝吧！”

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‎我並不想酩酊大醉

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‎我不想，一點也不好玩

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‎我50幾歲了

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‎一個月只有兩天心情舒爽

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‎幹嘛壞了其中一天的好心情？

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‎如果我這把年紀的人
‎想讓自己慘不忍睹

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‎我就會去吃乳酪

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‎那是什麼乳酪？

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‎撒了松露碎片的卡門貝爾乳酪？

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‎好吧，很值得，不過也太可怕了

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‎害得我悽慘無比

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‎我太太送我健身房會籍當聖誕禮物

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‎“謝謝，親愛的，真多謝啊”

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‎我去了那裡

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‎看到幾個老頭在健身

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‎結果…他們都很壯

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‎可是看起來很奇怪

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‎我並不想練出一身肌肉

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‎我就是不想看起來像廢物

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‎那就是我的目標，幫我安排個人教練

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‎“不會練成全然廢物”的個人教練

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‎我看著眼前這群健壯的老頭

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‎可是看起來很奇怪

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‎就是不太對勁，我心想
‎“是健壯的問題嗎？”

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‎後來我知道是怎麼回事

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‎老人本就不該滿身肌肉

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‎因為皮膚會被整個撐開

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‎彷彿就像他在炫耀自己的肌肉

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‎可是我看得到他的心臟

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‎麻煩穿上上衣

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‎噁心死了

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‎不過…

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‎婚姻讓我最喜歡的地方
‎就是我太太會決定

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‎我哪些東西該丟

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‎“這穿不下了，好難看

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‎絕對不能穿，隨便啦”

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‎她不是墨西哥人
‎只是操那個口音會更有趣

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‎樂趣無窮啊

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‎她可能是墨西哥人，我不確定

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‎我只是…我暗自懷疑
‎但無法完全確定

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‎“你又不穿，這件你穿不下了”

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‎我太太把我的運動褲全丟了

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‎都丟了
‎我問她幹嘛把我的運動褲全丟了

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‎“因為運動褲會騙人

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‎運動褲是詐騙集團

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‎讓你沒注意到自己身材走樣

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‎你不會知道

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‎直到有天，兩條繩子突然消失

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‎你就變成大胖子了

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‎到時就太遲了，我一定要丟掉！”

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‎不過她說得對，我告訴你們
‎50幾歲的男人

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‎穿運動褲是很危險的，真的

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‎很危險，因為很容易就露鳥

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‎我發現自己變成了露鳥俠

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‎我人都還沒走到浴室，我就…

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‎然後我被某個東西吸引住…

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‎我就聽到我太太大喊

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‎“你的老二怎麼在外面晃？
‎你人都還沒進浴室！”

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‎我說：“我都不知道橄欖園有沙拉吧

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‎他們有…”

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‎但我有自己的問題

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‎我家有個三歲小孩，誰叫我是個白癡

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‎根本沒想清楚，完全沒有

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‎我想著要進去，卻沒想…

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‎我沒想清楚

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‎她超可愛的

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‎我跟我太太也有個七歲的孩子，而…

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‎她進行如廁訓練時

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‎對七歲的孩子有點嚴厲

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‎她好嚴格，她很…她說

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‎“硬叫她坐在馬桶上，不讓她起來

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‎關上門

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‎她出不去，就知道這是馬桶

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‎聽她尖叫一天就好了，壓制她的腿

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‎戴上耳塞之類的
‎反正需要戴，我們都在尖叫”

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‎那真是不忍卒睹
‎不過她說得對，只需要一天

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‎不過我說：“對老二這個意外

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‎就不要…

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‎讓意外自己決定她何時準備好要如廁

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‎這次不要這麼殘忍了
‎換個做法吧？”

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‎所以我們照她自己的時間表

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‎而…她現在三歲

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‎她還沒有想如廁的意思，她還沒有

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‎她前幾天跟我說
‎“爸比，幫我換布布”

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‎我說：“什麼？

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‎妳說什麼？”

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‎“爸比，請幫我換布布，爸爸”

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‎我說：“麥德琳啊

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‎如果妳聰明到
‎可以用他媽的兩種語言告訴我

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‎妳就一定聰明到可以移動妳的小屁股

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‎坐上那個馬桶，去那裡解放

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‎好嗎？懂嗎？

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‎妳的尿布穿的是六號

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‎沒有七號這種規格，真的沒有

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‎知道為什麼嗎？

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‎妳應該早就搞懂了才對

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‎沒有更大的尺寸了
‎我不知道該怎麼跟妳說

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‎要是妳不早點搞清楚

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‎妳就得去跟奶奶借了
‎我只能這麼說”

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‎你們知道吧

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‎我太太很愛我們的孩子

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‎而且…她不會把太多責任交給我

121
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‎不過有些事情本來就是由我決定

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‎好，我剛好睡在床上

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‎靠門邊的位置

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‎所以我七歲女兒想來跟我們睡的時候

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‎我就得決定是否真的有這個必要

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‎因為她來了就賴著不走了

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‎她會帶著小枕頭、兔子

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‎她並不是只是來說聲：“你們好啊

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‎我只是想把東西都帶著
‎好，繼續睡吧”

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‎不對，她會整晚待在那裡

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‎所以她會跑過來
‎我看著她就問：“怎麼啦？”

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‎她說：“我需要跟你們一起睡”

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‎“為什麼？妳有自己的床啊
‎為什麼？”

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‎“作了惡夢

135
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‎所以借過，我要進去

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‎我需要來擠一擠”

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‎“好，不行，太簡要了
‎是什麼樣的惡夢？”

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‎“恐龍

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‎借過，我需要進去裡面”

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‎“恐龍怎麼了？”

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‎“在追我”

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‎“好，恐龍在追妳，好吧

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‎不夠可怕，回去睡覺，快點”

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‎不夠可怕

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‎又沒有要把妳的臉吃掉

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‎沒有可怕到
‎可以毀了我一夜好眠的地步

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‎因為就是會毀了我一夜好眠

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‎她又不像我睡得很安穩，像這樣

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‎她的睡相超差，就像…

150
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‎少來打擾我的睡眠

151
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‎我有過敏體質

152
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‎這代表早上六點

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‎我會打噴嚏20來次

154
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‎要不是我家有兩層樓
‎我肯定早就被休了

155
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‎這是我第三段婚姻

156
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‎我不想再離婚了，好嗎？

157
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,913
‎我住在好萊塢
‎所以那樣只算一次，不過…

158
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‎這段婚姻一定要成功

159
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‎因為我真的很喜歡我家

160
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‎你們懂吧？這可是豪宅

161
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‎浴室有地暖系統
‎“天啊，真舒服，我的天

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‎我不想失去這裡，該死

163
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‎我猜我最好弄清楚
‎我老婆那個瘋女人在講什麼

164
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‎妳說什麼，親愛的？對

165
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‎去研究一下學校吧”

166
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‎不過總之，我下了樓，人在打噴嚏

167
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‎我下樓去打噴嚏，就開始…

168
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‎我就…我老婆卻說
‎“我他媽的還是聽得見！”

169
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‎可是…

170
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‎我回來…我回到樓上

171
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‎我們七歲女兒米蘭達

172
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‎已經在我床的那一側睡著了，就像…

173
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‎我心想：“我現在不想處理這種事

174
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,714
‎算了，我去找其他的地方睡吧”

175
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,051
‎所以我就去了屋子另一個
‎我從來沒進去過的地方

176
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:13,094
‎你們懂吧？

177
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‎“該死，這裡還有一間房間
‎天啊，我都不知道

178
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‎居然還有一整個廂房”

179
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‎所以…我打開了一道門

180
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‎結果我太太捷足先登

181
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‎她已經躺在床上睡著了

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‎我心想：“隨便啦”

183
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‎所以我躺上床跟她一起睡
‎當你到了50幾歲

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‎是無法馬上繼續睡著的

185
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‎就是…需要花點時間

186
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‎所以我每次跟我太太一起躺在床上
‎我睡不著的時候

187
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‎我就會開始

188
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‎伸鹹豬手，一點點而已

189
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‎-沒有太過分
‎-好樣的，兄弟

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‎心裡寄望著她有天可能會說
‎“這個主意不錯”

191
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,587
‎你們懂吧？

192
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,673
‎還沒有任何進展，但你總得暗示一下

193
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,134
‎你們懂吧？總得試試看，先示好

194
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‎總之，我摸了上去，結果我注意到

195
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,724
‎感覺起來…
‎比我習慣的觸感還要軟一點

196
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:01,809
‎稍微軟了一點，但我不會苛責她

197
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:04,645
‎或許她洗了熱水澡之類的，不曉得

198
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:08,357
‎可是她的胸部感覺起來也不太對勁

199
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,027
‎然後我心想：“這很有可能

200
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,361
‎不是我太太”

201
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,114
‎所以我下了床

202
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,826
‎跑回我的臥房，看到我太太在裡面

203
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,703
‎坐在椅子上睡覺

204
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,748
‎我說：“老婆，醒醒”
‎她說：“怎麼了？”

205
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:27,585
‎我說：“老婆，我想
‎我可能猥褻了妳媽”

206
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,171
‎所以…

207
00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,466
‎她把我推開，她直接大喊

208
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,301
‎“媽，妳怎麼一聲不吭？”

209
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:38,804
‎而她媽說：“妳明知道
‎我跟那個白癡沒話說”

210
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,098
‎所以…

211
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,102
‎我來多加自我介紹吧

212
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:48,898
‎我是亞洲人，我媽是菲律賓人

213
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:52,068
‎通常在這個時候

214
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,903
‎觀眾群裡的菲律賓人就會歡呼

215
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,489
‎不過總之…但這次沒有

216
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,240
‎我是混血兒

217
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,494
‎在這個講求多元的年代
‎公司決定人事的思維都是

218
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:04,246
‎“雇用亞洲人吧，雇用黑人

219
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,582
‎雇用女人，要多元”

220
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:11,295
‎我是亞洲人，但亞洲血統不夠純正
‎在這種時候對我一點幫助也沒有

221
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:13,047
‎真是令人扼腕

222
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:17,468
‎我叫勞勃許奈德
‎又不是叫勞勃阿卡波奈伊多

223
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,095
‎可惡！

224
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,973
‎我有亞洲血統
‎我知道你們從以前看到我就心想

225
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,309
‎“我知道他好像不太一樣
‎到底是什麼？

226
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,020
‎到底是什麼東西？”

227
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,983
‎很辛苦，我媽是亞洲人
‎我不推薦，真的

228
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,904
‎她們很嚴厲，我過得很苦

229
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:38,948
‎我小時候並沒有獲得那種待遇

230
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,493
‎“你好乖喔，玩得愉快，你好聰明

231
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,829
‎你真的很棒，你的潛力無窮”

232
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:46,997
‎我在學校名列前茅

233
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,582
‎我說：“媽，我成績優異”

234
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,377
‎結果她說：“那又怎樣？
‎成績優異是應該的

235
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,170
‎你那麼聰明，你又不笨，拜託

236
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,589
‎什麼？你想要一塊餅乾？
‎想要一塊餅乾當獎勵？

237
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,759
‎那是應該的耶，你本來就該有好成績

238
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,553
‎想要額外的獎勵就拿出更好的表現

239
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:06,517
‎做好你份內的工作，你也沒聽到我
‎拿整天下廚打掃來說嘴

240
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:10,604
‎跟你要獎賞

241
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,190
‎不行，我們各自盡自己的職責

242
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,361
‎保持一段冷冰冰的關係
‎就這樣，懂嗎？”

243
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:19,655
‎真的很冰冷

244
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,074
‎我記得最清楚的童年回憶

245
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,909
‎就是我媽對我大吼

246
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,579
‎無論是不是要保護我，她都會說

247
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,205
‎“你看吧

248
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,416
‎你跌倒了，你看吧

249
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:32,626
‎不准在家裡奔跑，你看吧

250
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,879
‎害自己受了傷，你看吧

251
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,007
‎東西被你打破了，你看吧
‎不准打架，你看吧

252
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,426
‎什麼？被你撞倒了，你看吧”

253
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:45,639
‎有次我們在離我家
‎大約五公里的地方打籃球

254
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,058
‎有人腳踝扭傷，突然間我聽到

255
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,144
‎“你看吧？”

256
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,527
‎“老兄，站在山頂上的那個是你媽耶”

257
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,739
‎“你看吧”

258
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,039
‎我在舊金山長大

259
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,501
‎第一份工作是在老張與老周加油站

260
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,211
‎加油站，沒錯

261
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,129
‎他們以前都週六發薪水

262
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,840
‎當時銀行週六還沒有營業

263
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,092
‎付現，週六會付我們現金

264
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:25,346
‎然後他們會請我們去吃中國菜

265
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,681
‎請我們喝幾瓶啤酒，我們會打撲克牌

266
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,517
‎我們的薪水就全被贏回去了

267
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:34,104
‎我去了兩週，後來就說
‎“我死也不要再去了

268
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,358
‎鮑伯，他們把我們的錢都贏走了
‎卻是請我們吃廉價的中國菜”

269
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:39,902
‎是這樣的

270
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:45,157
‎中國人目前信奉共產主義71年以上了

271
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,536
‎但他們他媽的兩千年來
‎都是資本主義者

272
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,371
‎好嗎？沒錯

273
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,042
‎表演完要去吃中國菜？那就找間店吧

274
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,212
‎即使他們打烊了也是…

275
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,631
‎“抱歉，我們打烊了”

276
00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,049
‎“我們有五百個人”

277
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:03,759
‎“好吧，我們還在營業

278
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,137
‎請進，我們只賣宵夜特餐

279
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,556
‎我們有宵夜特餐”

280
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,310
‎沒錯，我爸是猶太人

281
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,563
‎我們都知道聖誕節吃得到中國菜

282
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:18,691
‎因為中國人根本沒有過節的觀念

283
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,026
‎“對，我們聖誕節有營業，快過來

284
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,987
‎對，全天候，快過來

285
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,906
‎不對，管他的耶穌，快過來
‎我們有營業，沒錯

286
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,326
‎只因為祂那天出生
‎我們就得破產？少來，才不要

287
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,121
‎少來，水族箱裡的魚
‎又不知道今天是什麼日子

288
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:33,414
‎牠們又不清楚

289
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,708
‎對牠們來說不過又是個週二

290
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:38,961
‎總統被暗殺了？

291
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,963
‎今天自助餐買一送一

292
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,173
‎買一送一，慶祝總統被暗殺大特價

293
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,093
‎911事件？拜託，任你選

294
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:48,762
‎9種肉、11種麵

295
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,015
‎911事件特價促銷

296
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:55,144
‎我知道很慘，我們都哭了，好難過喔

297
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,146
‎然後我們就肚子餓了

298
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,816
‎我們有芙蓉蛋、豬肉炒飯

299
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,486
‎乾拌麵、炒麵、煎麵

300
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:08,741
‎當然還有餛飩麵

301
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:14,997
‎對，好吧

302
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,292
‎還有一份蠔油炒牛肉

303
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,336
‎還有一份

304
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,379
‎蠔油炒牛肉”

305
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,717
‎那可不是種族歧視，而是精準的描述

306
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,719
‎一字不差，非常傳神

307
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:31,513
‎不對

308
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:33,515
‎你們得了解

309
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,769
‎你們知道學中文對你們來說
‎難度有多高？

310
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,480
‎對中國人而言，說英語就是這麼困難

311
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,816
‎卡在喉嚨深處，不吐不快

312
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,985
‎例如說：“蠔油炒牛肉！

313
00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:49,949
‎蠔油！炒牛肉！”

314
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:57,414
‎你們知道在美國
‎看不到什麼景象嗎？亞洲遊民

315
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,250
‎絕對看不到那種人

316
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,464
‎亞洲人會說
‎“少來，去死啦，不可能

317
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,509
‎我們會另尋出路

318
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,388
‎不會的，我們會處理
‎沒人想靠近的身體部位

319
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,598
‎例如腳指甲，我們會修全部的腳指甲

320
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:18,018
‎我們會修腳指甲，幫人刮腳跟的死皮

321
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,606
‎不會的，我們會從前面
‎幫你做肛門蜜蠟除毛

322
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:28,112
‎我們只要伸手進去

323
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,367
‎我們會幫你做屁眼漂白
‎好啊，有何不可？來啊

324
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,202
‎你人都來了

325
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,872
‎幹嘛不做屁眼漂白？對，再加25美元

326
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:42,751
‎我們會幫你按摩、打手槍
‎想辦法搶走你們白人萬惡不赦的錢

327
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,378
‎拜託喔

328
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,049
‎要射就射另外一邊，拜託喔

329
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,219
‎我也覺得很難堪，拜託，好吧”

330
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:59,309
‎不過我最愛的是韓國人
‎又是一群工作勤奮的人

331
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:02,312
‎韓國人，工作都很勤奮

332
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:06,900
‎除了韓國烤肉店以外
‎我得說店裡的人有點懶散

333
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,986
‎有一點，去韓國烤肉店的時候

334
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:11,739
‎“歡迎來到韓國烤肉店，歡迎

335
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,450
‎請小心，煤炭很燙，溫度很高

336
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:17,453
‎很燙，煤炭溫度很高

337
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,538
‎很燙喔，小心，煤炭很燙，高溫的”

338
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,665
‎“好，我知道了，煤炭很燙，我知道

339
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,584
‎這要怎麼使用？”

340
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:29,131
‎“好，這是生菲力牛排
‎你看，生菲力牛…”

341
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:30,924
‎“要拿來做什麼？”

342
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:34,261
‎“你自己烤”

343
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,806
‎“我是花錢來吃外食的耶

344
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,601
‎是你來烤才對吧”

345
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:45,064
‎“不對，你自己烤”

346
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,903
‎好像有點懶散吧？

347
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,448
‎我可不想上韓國妓院

348
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,411
‎“歡迎來到韓國妓院，請進，對

349
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,580
‎房間在這裡，老二要自己吸喔

350
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:05,042
‎對，自己吸

351
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:06,877
‎然後再來這個房間

352
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,670
‎來這個房間用力自己幹

353
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:11,340
‎這個房間很超值喔

354
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,929
‎再過來這裡洗個澡就可以滾了

355
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,473
‎幹嘛還不走？

356
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,184
‎我們還要接其他客人”

357
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,398
‎佐藤健，各位先生女士

358
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,074
‎來點配樂吧，老弟

359
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:43,413
‎我很高興作為一個社會

360
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:47,918
‎男人終於為其惡劣的行為受到懲罰了

361
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:52,714
‎在這整個事件裡
‎有些事情就那麼剛好被遺忘了

362
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,759
‎剛好遺忘了男人做過的好事

363
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,053
‎也就是男人都是…

364
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,390
‎豬

365
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,769
‎應該說男人有當豬的潛力

366
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,022
‎我是男人，我有當豬的潛力

367
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,691
‎如果我太太跟我說

368
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,569
‎“你可以跟我的閨密親熱”

369
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,362
‎我不會付諸實行

370
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,198
‎但我可能會問

371
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,075
‎“哪一個？”

372
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,745
‎我又不是聖人

373
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,540
‎我有當豬的潛力

374
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,586
‎我去過星巴克
‎看著最後一個排隊的人

375
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:34,173
‎我看到一個穿低胸露奶裝的美女
‎我心想

376
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,009
‎“這肯定是一大享受
‎可以過去那邊，然後…”

377
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:47,853
‎但我只是想想

378
00:19:48,937 --> 00:19:50,939
‎因為你知道在我腦中什麼事更享受？

379
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,567
‎可以點一杯卡布奇諾

380
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:56,445
‎又不會被註記成他媽的惡狼

381
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,615
‎“惡狼勞勃的卡布奇諾”

382
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,200
‎“對，就是我，謝謝”

383
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,501
‎所有男人都有當豬的潛力

384
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:14,922
‎我要出賣在場每一位男士

385
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,883
‎很抱歉，但我非出賣不可
‎女士們，妳們目前身旁的男人

386
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,636
‎不管你們是結婚一年、五年

387
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:22,429
‎10年、20年

388
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,806
‎不管你們有小孩、孫兒

389
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:28,685
‎第一次妳想共度餘生的對象

390
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,646
‎他第一次跟妳出門的時候

391
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:32,481
‎第一次

392
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:37,152
‎他滿腦子只想著要跟妳上床
‎那是他唯一的目標

393
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,820
‎要是他當初可以上個床就回家

394
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,906
‎那一定是最美妙的夜晚

395
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,283
‎抱歉，別會錯意，女士們

396
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,995
‎他現在愛的是妳這個人
‎因為妳很棒，是真的

397
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:50,958
‎妳改變了他，是真的

398
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,167
‎妳真是不可思議

399
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,003
‎但第一次出去時，他滿腦子都是性

400
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,588
‎僅只如此，沒別的目的了

401
00:20:56,672 --> 00:21:00,884
‎很遺憾，男人要的是…性

402
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:06,598
‎如果發展出戀情，好吧
‎那就再來處理

403
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:08,976
‎那不是他們的目標

404
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:12,521
‎只是最後動了感情
‎他們根本不知道是怎麼被套牢的

405
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:17,359
‎“什麼？妳想先吃點東西？

406
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,238
‎好，那就吃吧，好

407
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:23,699
‎沒問題

408
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:27,035
‎去妳爸媽家，真的？

409
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,121
‎好吧，對

410
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,708
‎妳把東西掛在我的衣櫥裡？

411
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,043
‎是這樣嗎？好極了，儘管掛

412
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:36,753
‎我可不希望皺掉，不要…

413
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,132
‎我好像談起戀愛了
‎到底是怎麼搞的？

414
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,259
‎我以為我跟她只是床伴”

415
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:47,347
‎相反地，女人要的是感情

416
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:51,101
‎如果上了床，好吧
‎她們再想辦法處理

417
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:57,107
‎“天啊，出現了，我的天

418
00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:59,234
‎開始吧

419
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,652
‎天啊

420
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:02,154
‎你好啊

421
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:04,156
‎你說什麼？什麼？

422
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:05,782
‎轉過去？

423
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:11,621
‎要來了

424
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,789
‎什麼？看著你？

425
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:17,252
‎我在看著你啊…我在看…

426
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,921
‎噁心死了，天啊”

427
00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:27,679
‎有些女人例外

428
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,181
‎“還不快把老二掏出來！”

429
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,019
‎我想找的就是這種女人
‎可是她們很早就被搶光了

430
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:36,396
‎得早上八點去排隊

431
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,815
‎“喜歡老二的女人呢？
‎都沒了，該死

432
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:42,611
‎可惡，又錯過了”

433
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:53,080
‎但在交往初期
‎男人得計算一下要付出多少

434
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:57,292
‎他們會說：“好，我真的深受她吸引

435
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:59,544
‎我就是不能沒有她

436
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:04,091
‎可是到底會有多辛苦？

437
00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:11,348
‎她展現出來的是真正瘋狂的一面
‎還是有不為人知的一面？”

438
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,392
‎“你跑去哪裡？

439
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:17,562
‎我看到你的手機了
‎你跑去帕克市跟誰上床？”

440
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,272
‎諸如此類

441
00:23:21,441 --> 00:23:22,984
‎“那一面什麼時候會浮現？

442
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,488
‎她是不是一直在騙我？

443
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:30,992
‎因為我一直都在她面前演戲

444
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:33,412
‎我都迷失自我了”

445
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:37,124
‎然後他們就開始認真了

446
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,501
‎許下了諾言

447
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:44,297
‎他們這麼做是因為深深為妳著迷

448
00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:45,757
‎就這樣

449
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,050
‎男人沒那麼複雜

450
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:49,302
‎他們只想和會把他們搞瘋

451
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,556
‎他們離不開
‎又深深吸引他們的女人共度一生

452
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:54,391
‎美貌的影響也很大

453
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:59,354
‎常有人告訴我：“勞勃
‎你老婆和你根本是美女與野獸”

454
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,774
‎我都說：“那本來就是我追求的效果”

455
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:05,569
‎我喜歡肉彈

456
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,532
‎美貌會有影響，是真的

457
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:16,455
‎人們很喜歡聽到別人
‎稱讚他們的孩子是俊男美女

458
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,206
‎而不喜歡聽到

459
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:19,749
‎“天啊

460
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,170
‎怎麼回事？

461
00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:25,505
‎被火紋身了？

462
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,467
‎你要留下來嗎？應該留著

463
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,927
‎先把她留在身邊一陣子”

464
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:38,977
‎男人對一段感情開始認真

465
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:41,605
‎男人這一點真的很有意思

466
00:24:42,564 --> 00:24:46,026
‎男人在戀情中所做相應的努力

467
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:47,903
‎完全要看他們有多喜歡妳

468
00:24:48,361 --> 00:24:50,655
‎比方說，如果有個男人跟他覺得

469
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:53,492
‎魅力跟他相當的女人在一起

470
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,577
‎他會對那段戀情
‎投入某種程度的忠誠度

471
00:24:55,660 --> 00:24:57,746
‎時間、努力與用心

472
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:00,582
‎然而奇怪的是如果一個男人跟一個

473
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,543
‎他知道自己絕對配不上的女人在一起

474
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:05,337
‎他就會加倍努力

475
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:08,965
‎假設有個男人
‎跟維多利亞的祕密模特兒交往

476
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:13,637
‎那個傢伙一定會…
‎“妳說什麼，親愛的？怎麼了？

477
00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:15,388
‎儘管說

478
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,642
‎妳找不到車鑰匙？

479
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:21,061
‎這樣啊

480
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,813
‎那就再買一輛車就好了

481
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,108
‎對，表格都交給我處理吧

482
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:30,946
‎對，去美甲吧，按個摩，不，說真的

483
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:32,572
‎我再去兼差來付就好

484
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:35,283
‎我不需要睡眠，妳老公很強壯的”

485
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:41,122
‎但如果一個男人覺得他跟情人的魅力

486
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,249
‎水準相當

487
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,042
‎“妳說什麼，親愛的？什麼？

488
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,421
‎妳找不到車鑰匙？

489
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:52,050
‎看來妳得慢慢走了，賤人

490
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:52,968
‎我是說…

491
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,556
‎我是在幫妳啊！

492
00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:02,018
‎或許走路回家的路上
‎妳就會想起該死的車鑰匙放在哪裡

493
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:03,853
‎我在上班！”

494
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,232
‎但是如果換成維多利亞的祕密模特兒

495
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,444
‎“妳說什麼，親愛的？什麼？儘管說

496
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,574
‎妳把孩子丟在購物中心？

497
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,578
‎多生幾個不就行了！

498
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,163
‎當然可以，一定會很有趣的”

499
00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:27,961
‎可是如果一個男人覺得情人的魅力

500
00:26:28,044 --> 00:26:29,087
‎跟他差不多

501
00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:30,171
‎“怎麼了，親愛的？

502
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:33,174
‎妳把孩子丟在購物中心？

503
00:26:34,884 --> 00:26:36,761
‎他媽的太蠢了吧

504
00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:39,723
‎對，他們在我這裡

505
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:42,350
‎他們才不會聯絡
‎他媽的丟下他們的家長

506
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,269
‎他們又不笨

507
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,813
‎他們找到妳該死的車鑰匙了！

508
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:49,274
‎我在上班！”

509
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:54,112
‎但如果換成維多利亞的祕密模特兒

510
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,115
‎“妳說什麼？妳說什麼，親愛的？

511
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,202
‎妳殺了我媽？

512
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,874
‎她最近一直不太舒服

513
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:08,835
‎總得有人處理一下

514
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:11,504
‎謝謝妳

515
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:13,590
‎我愛妳”

516
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:20,513
‎但如果換成覺得

517
00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:23,224
‎老婆的魅力跟他差不多的男人

518
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:25,518
‎“妳說什麼，親愛的？妳怎麼了？

519
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,521
‎妳殺了我媽？

520
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:32,817
‎她最近一直不太舒服

521
00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,572
‎總得有人處理一下

522
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:39,699
‎謝謝妳

523
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:41,493
‎我愛妳”

524
00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:48,917
‎謝謝

525
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:54,047
‎老實跟你們說吧

526
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:55,757
‎我太太之前想跟我離婚

527
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:57,926
‎我們在一起十年

528
00:27:58,301 --> 00:28:01,262
‎她十年來每三個月就提一次離婚

529
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:06,851
‎兩週後又要再來一次了，我很清楚

530
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:08,770
‎我習慣了，我應付得來

531
00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:10,563
‎我這把年紀了，可不能放棄，真的

532
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,526
‎配偶比你年輕的時候真的很辛苦

533
00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:17,362
‎因為他們還有…希望

534
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:18,613
‎你們知道吧？

535
00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:23,493
‎真的很難啟齒

536
00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:28,289
‎結婚兩年後，我太太跟我說

537
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:29,874
‎“生活並沒有好轉

538
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:33,545
‎你說會好轉，可是卻沒有

539
00:28:33,628 --> 00:28:35,380
‎沒有好轉，沒有變好

540
00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:37,799
‎我為什麼還要硬撐？

541
00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:41,219
‎失去更多青春
‎我的青春一去不復返”

542
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:45,306
‎我則說：“親愛的，妳得克服難關

543
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,350
‎結婚三年就會出現難關

544
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,936
‎要是能克服難關
‎妳就會慶幸我們沒有輕言放棄

545
00:28:50,019 --> 00:28:51,521
‎因為關卡已經過了”

546
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,651
‎過了三年，她說
‎“好，已經克服難關了

547
00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:01,114
‎可是沒有好轉，完全沒變好
‎我幹嘛還要硬撐

548
00:29:01,197 --> 00:29:03,950
‎看著我的青春繼續流逝？”

549
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:06,911
‎我則說：“親愛的
‎我並沒有真的告訴妳

550
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,664
‎我指的其實是五年

551
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,791
‎那時兩個人就已經攜手
‎締造了一段歷史

552
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,377
‎五年，妳會慶幸自己沒有放棄”

553
00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:16,296
‎過了五年

554
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:20,300
‎“好，我們締造了一段歷史

555
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:23,303
‎可是一點也不美好

556
00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:26,473
‎完全沒有好轉，我幹嘛還在硬撐？

557
00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:30,435
‎青春繼續流逝，一去不復返”

558
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:35,398
‎我那時只需要告訴她
‎“親愛的，放棄並不難

559
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:39,068
‎妳現在就可以放棄，我不能阻止妳

560
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,488
‎妳可以另尋對象，非常簡單

561
00:29:41,571 --> 00:29:44,073
‎妳美麗又聰慧，如此不可思議

562
00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:47,076
‎還很年輕，妳有青春，還很年輕貌美

563
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:49,913
‎妳很快就會找到別的男人

564
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,082
‎妳跟他的感情

565
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:55,502
‎會和跟我在一起的時候差不多
‎妳又會覺得很厭煩

566
00:29:55,585 --> 00:29:58,880
‎“什麼時候才會好轉？我的青春啊”

567
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:02,133
‎妳會離開那個傢伙
‎妳很容易就會找到新的對象

568
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:05,678
‎你聰慧美麗，不可思議
‎很快就會有新戀情

569
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:08,473
‎然後你跟他的感情

570
00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:11,059
‎會和跟他及跟我在一起的時候
‎一模一樣

571
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:15,021
‎不然妳也可以了解到

572
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:19,484
‎妳這些問題
‎他媽的跟我一點關係也沒有！

573
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:22,278
‎用大腦想想！

574
00:30:24,697 --> 00:30:27,784
‎我可以增加妳快樂的程度
‎但無法為妳帶來快樂

575
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:30,620
‎快樂是自己找的

576
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,375
‎親愛的，或許妳沒意識到
‎我是妳的真命天子

577
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:37,836
‎好嗎？或許妳沒意識到妳的真命天子

578
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,587
‎會長我這副模樣

579
00:30:40,129 --> 00:30:44,509
‎跟我一樣老、一樣矮
‎但我就是妳的真命天子”

580
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:49,180
‎最後那一段我還沒跟她說過
‎不過就快了

581
00:30:49,264 --> 00:30:50,348
‎你們懂吧？

582
00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:56,771
‎當我說每個人都得找到自己的快樂

583
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,648
‎我們的責任是要讓她們的快樂加乘

584
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:00,441
‎是真的，要增加快樂的程度

585
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:02,277
‎不要抵銷，變成不快樂

586
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,404
‎要讓她們更開心

587
00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:08,324
‎了解女人的需求，聆聽她的心聲

588
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:12,120
‎不要照她說的去做
‎因為她都說違心之論

589
00:31:12,203 --> 00:31:14,747
‎而是要釐清她真正的意思

590
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:17,375
‎因為女人的表達方式很隱諱

591
00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:22,088
‎我們得想辦法解碼

592
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,966
‎找出感情之中最健康的元素

593
00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:26,593
‎就像我太太跟我說

594
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:29,262
‎要下樓去喝水的時候

595
00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:33,558
‎她真正的意思是
‎要叫我下樓去幫她倒水

596
00:31:35,643 --> 00:31:38,146
‎然後當我問需不需要幫她倒的時候

597
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:41,649
‎我真正的意思是
‎“拜託不要叫我去幫妳倒

598
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:44,944
‎樓下冷死了

599
00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:46,988
‎我沒穿褲子

600
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,490
‎我就得穿上褲子”

601
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:53,161
‎當我太太對我說

602
00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:56,664
‎“我好累喔”

603
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:57,916
‎她其實是要說

604
00:31:57,999 --> 00:32:00,460
‎“把老二拿開！

605
00:32:01,502 --> 00:32:02,962
‎它頂著我的背！”

606
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:17,226
‎真難看，很抱歉

607
00:32:21,689 --> 00:32:23,483
‎但男人說起話來也沒那麼直接了當

608
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:26,361
‎比方說深夜的時候
‎男人說話都很迂迴

609
00:32:26,444 --> 00:32:28,821
‎“親愛的，暖氣可以調弱一點嗎？

610
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:30,281
‎一點點就好？

611
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:32,116
‎暖氣，一點點？

612
00:32:32,617 --> 00:32:35,161
‎把暖氣稍微調弱？”

613
00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:39,624
‎他們真正的意思是
‎“我想我快不行了

614
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:45,046
‎我過去四個小時都躺在廚房地上

615
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:48,758
‎我已經脫光光了
‎總不能叫我脫皮吧”

616
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:51,511
‎我太太會跟我說

617
00:32:51,594 --> 00:32:53,972
‎“我半夜的時候
‎感覺到非常奇怪的東西”

618
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,014
‎我說：“什麼？”

619
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,977
‎“我感覺到一股冷風吹過來”

620
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,563
‎我得回答：“太糟糕了，什麼？

621
00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:04,691
‎誰會想要睡覺的時候吹到冷風？

622
00:33:05,608 --> 00:33:08,611
‎清涼的微風徐徐吹在身體上

623
00:33:09,904 --> 00:33:11,489
‎我去檢查一下窗戶”

624
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:13,574
‎我是這麼說的

625
00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:15,994
‎但那不是我真正的意思

626
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:17,954
‎我想說的是

627
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:20,164
‎“那是該死的冷氣！

628
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:22,542
‎妳睡著了，所以我偷偷起來

629
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:24,836
‎打開冷氣

630
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:26,295
‎因為我快融化了

631
00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:29,173
‎我的體重比妳多20公斤！

632
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,592
‎妳可以穿毛衣睡覺”

633
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:36,014
‎我可以改進

634
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:37,432
‎我可以多做一點

635
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:39,642
‎老實說，我們的約會夜慘不忍睹

636
00:33:39,726 --> 00:33:42,228
‎你身邊的女人為你付出一切

637
00:33:42,729 --> 00:33:44,313
‎她的人生、青春

638
00:33:45,648 --> 00:33:47,567
‎奉獻你的生命，要精心策劃

639
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:48,860
‎女人重視這種感覺

640
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,195
‎得讓她們覺得
‎在你心中佔據了特殊的地位

641
00:33:51,654 --> 00:33:54,615
‎我聖誕節的時候又搞砸了
‎我來告訴各位這段往事

642
00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:57,577
‎我等到夜晚快結束的時候

643
00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,370
‎那可不妙，各位

644
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:05,710
‎我太太已經躺在床上
‎她上了床，快要睡著了

645
00:34:05,793 --> 00:34:07,920
‎我那時才決定要耍浪漫

646
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,757
‎我那時決定偷偷跑上床

647
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:12,925
‎我說：“親愛的…

648
00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:16,512
‎對，是妳…好，是妳沒錯

649
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,640
‎對，好極了，這我沒弄錯

650
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:23,728
‎親愛的，聖誕快樂

651
00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:26,856
‎想愛愛嗎？

652
00:34:28,024 --> 00:34:30,151
‎今天是聖誕節喔”

653
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:31,986
‎“聖誕快樂

654
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:32,945
‎不要”

655
00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:36,199
‎“可是今天是聖誕節耶”

656
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:37,241
‎“我不在乎”

657
00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:40,536
‎“妳又不用動”

658
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,502
‎“那句話是什麼意思？”

659
00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:50,213
‎“感謝你的提議，不用了，謝謝

660
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:51,881
‎但是謝謝抬愛”

661
00:34:53,424 --> 00:34:54,467
‎“求求妳”

662
00:34:56,219 --> 00:34:58,554
‎“我來告訴你我今天是怎麼過的

663
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:00,807
‎你還在睡覺的時候

664
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:03,893
‎我起床包好了女兒的禮物

665
00:35:03,976 --> 00:35:06,813
‎然後你他媽的在玩手機的時候

666
00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:09,607
‎我幫女兒換好衣服準備參加派對

667
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,652
‎然後你還在玩手機的時候

668
00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,738
‎我為派對做好準備，也下了廚

669
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:18,699
‎而我們在拆禮物的時候

670
00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:22,745
‎你假裝在錄影
‎但還是在偷偷地玩該死的手機

671
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:26,749
‎我們拆完禮物就開始玩了

672
00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:29,877
‎後來我幫她們洗了舒服的澡

673
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:32,630
‎講故事給她們聽，送她們去睡覺

674
00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:35,133
‎然後我洗了澡

675
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:37,552
‎現在準備要睡了

676
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,804
‎結果在這節骨眼，辛苦了一晚

677
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:43,266
‎你卻期望我會對你性致勃勃

678
00:35:43,349 --> 00:35:45,476
‎我就得再洗一次澡？

679
00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:49,856
‎多謝，不用了，謝謝抬愛”

680
00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:56,821
‎“原本這個時候就會結束了

681
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:02,660
‎說真的，很可能早就結束了，真的

682
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,624
‎在妳提到洗澡之前

683
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:12,378
‎我在那一段之前早就完事了
‎我發誓，我們不用…”

684
00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:17,675
‎“不對，那是你的問題，跟我無關”

685
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:24,640
‎我就老實說吧，所以…

686
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:29,478
‎我原本有點茫

687
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:31,731
‎可是那是藥用的

688
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:36,652
‎是藥用的，我有這個需要

689
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:43,576
‎可是我當時光著下半身
‎這一點不該省略

690
00:36:46,329 --> 00:36:51,375
‎我下樓去冰箱前面，打開冰箱

691
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,128
‎看到裡面有稍早吃了一半的南瓜派

692
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,172
‎看到一罐發泡鮮奶油

693
00:36:56,505 --> 00:36:59,508
‎這件事是空前絕後的

694
00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:02,553
‎我拿了那罐發泡鮮奶油就…

695
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:15,358
‎因為我一小時前吃了一顆藍色小藥丸

696
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,203
‎我不知道接下來該怎麼做
‎但我往冰箱裡看

697
00:37:27,286 --> 00:37:28,788
‎我看到…

698
00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:30,164
‎一些椰子碎片

699
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:34,252
‎我就像發現新大陸

700
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:39,215
‎而且不會掉耶

701
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:42,134
‎不是全部，但是也夠了

702
00:37:42,468 --> 00:37:43,469
‎而我心想…

703
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:49,267
‎“該死的冰箱裡
‎一定有巧克力碎片，一定有

704
00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:52,019
‎巧克力碎片是常備食材”，也真的有

705
00:37:52,103 --> 00:37:53,938
‎就在那裡！

706
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:55,982
‎所以我拿起巧克力碎片就撒了上去

707
00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:58,734
‎大塊的掉了，不過小的還附著在上面

708
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,737
‎小的，關鍵就在於小碎片

709
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:05,741
‎然後我說：“要是這台冰箱裡有焦糖

710
00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:09,120
‎我一定會開心死，就這樣”

711
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:12,623
‎結果裡面真的有焦糖，還真的有

712
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:15,751
‎我拿出焦糖，我說：“勞比

713
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:18,087
‎勞勃終結者

714
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,880
‎勞勃里諾

715
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,090
‎勞比

716
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:22,466
‎勞勃斯特

717
00:38:22,550 --> 00:38:23,676
‎勞比！”

718
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,595
‎結果誰從轉角出現？

719
00:38:28,723 --> 00:38:29,807
‎我太太

720
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,897
‎“好吧

721
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:41,027
‎這下我得嚐嚐看才行了”

722
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:46,490
‎“自己做！”

723
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:02,131
‎感謝各位，感激不盡

724
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:03,090
‎謝謝

725
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:06,218
‎好

726
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:09,638
‎各位先生女士
‎我為各位準備了壓軸好戲

727
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,974
‎不過應該說是為我自己準備的才對

728
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:14,477
‎我獨一無二的女兒

729
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:15,519
‎艾兒金

730
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,200
‎謝謝

731
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:34,997
‎我只想告訴妳
‎大家以前都叫我勞勃許奈德

732
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,500
‎我現在則成了艾兒金的爸爸

733
00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:40,836
‎而且…我愛妳

734
00:39:42,296 --> 00:39:44,965
‎我們從來沒有公開合唱過

735
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,095
‎我想或許今晚可以試試看，好

736
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:50,888
‎他把人情額度用完了

737
00:39:53,015 --> 00:39:54,475
‎-我可以接受
‎-你一定行！

738
00:39:54,809 --> 00:39:56,018
‎這是一首頌歌

739
00:39:57,895 --> 00:40:02,400
‎一個五顏六色名為沙人的小丑

740
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:08,406
‎每晚踮著腳尖跑到我房間

741
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:12,451
‎就為了撒下星塵

742
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:15,329
‎和低聲說著

743
00:40:16,038 --> 00:40:18,082
‎“睡吧

744
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:24,088
‎一切都不會有事的”

745
00:40:26,132 --> 00:40:29,927
‎我閉上雙眼

746
00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:34,807
‎開始飄浮

747
00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:41,147
‎到了神奇的夜晚

748
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:45,818
‎我輕柔地說出

749
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:51,490
‎一句默禱

750
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:56,871
‎就像作夢的人

751
00:40:57,955 --> 00:41:02,001
‎然後我沉沉睡去

752
00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:06,464
‎作了與妳有關的美夢

753
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:11,552
‎在夢中

754
00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:13,304
‎我與妳

755
00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:16,056
‎同行

756
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,228
‎在夢中

757
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:22,688
‎我對妳

758
00:41:23,647 --> 00:41:25,900
‎傾吐

759
00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:33,115
‎就在

760
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:36,702
‎黎明之前

761
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,705
‎我醒了過來

762
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:45,503
‎發現妳已離去

763
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:48,380
‎我忍不住

764
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:50,758
‎我忍不住

765
00:41:51,217 --> 00:41:53,761
‎如果我落了淚

766
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,598
‎我記得

767
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:04,063
‎妳向我道了別

768
00:42:05,064 --> 00:42:07,525
‎太可惜了

769
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:13,280
‎這些景象

770
00:42:15,115 --> 00:42:18,244
‎都只能出現在

771
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:23,874
‎我夢中

772
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:24,959
‎全交給妳了，寶貝

773
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:30,714
‎只能

774
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:34,969
‎出現在夢中

775
00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:41,392
‎在美好的

776
00:42:41,475 --> 00:42:47,439
‎夢中

777
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:56,240
‎妳好美，謝謝妳

778
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,291
‎你一定行！

779
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:08,252
‎徹夜不停！

780
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:15,175
‎（追憶瑞內拉皮德博士
‎與雷蒙法蘭西斯博士）

781
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:26,645
‎要不要打聲招呼？

782
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,314
‎大家好

783
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,318
‎大家好，我叫…

784
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,529
‎好，我要…

785
00:43:36,530 --> 00:43:37,406
‎大家好

786
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,243
‎感謝各位來觀賞表演
‎這是我的家人

787
00:43:41,327 --> 00:43:42,911
‎我愛妳們，感謝各位

788
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:45,247
‎感激不盡，我們都愛你們

789
00:43:45,914 --> 00:43:47,207
‎感謝各位

790
00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:10,147
‎字幕翻譯：王靜怡