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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen,

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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please welcome... Rob Schneider.

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[audience cheering]

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[upbeat music playing]

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[cheering, clapping]

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Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake!

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You can do it! How are you?

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[chuckles]

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You know what I realized recently?

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I'm at the age now...
It's not that I'm less interested in sex,

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but I'm as interested in cookies.

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-[audience laughing]
-You know what I mean?

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You know what I mean?

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"What kind of cookies are those?

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Could you move your tits?
You're blocking the cookies. Yeah.

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Cookie underneath that tit.
That cookie. Two of those.

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Thank you very much. Thank you."

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[audience laughing]

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People in their 20s, 30s,
they don't get it yet.

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People in their 20s, 30s are like,
[in hype voice] "Let's get fucked up!

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You wanna get fucked up?
Yeah, let's get fucked up!"

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No, I don't want to get fucked up.

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I don't. No. It's not fun.

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I'm in my fifties.

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I only feel good, like, two days a month.

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[audience laughing]

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Why would I want to fuck up one of those?

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[audience laughing]

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If I want to get fucked up at my age,

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I'll eat some cheese, you know?

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[audience roars with laughter]

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[moans]

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[groans]

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What kind of cheese was that?

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Camembert with truffle flakes?

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All right, it was worth it, but fuck.

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I'm fucked up now.

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[audience laughing]

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My wife, for Christmas,
got me a gym membership.

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"Thank you, honey. Oh, thank you."

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[audience laughing]

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And I went over there,

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and, uh, I saw these old guys.
They were working out,

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and, uh, they were ripped.

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But it looks weird, you know.

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[audience laughing]

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So, I don't wanna get ripped.

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I just don't want to look like
a complete piece of shit, you know.

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That's the goal.
Give me that personal trainer,

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the "not complete piece of shit"
personal trainer.

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So, I'm looking at these old guys,
and they're ripped, you know.

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But it looked weird.

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Something was off. I was like,
"Is it the ripped thing?"

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Then I figured it out.

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You're not supposed to be ripped
when you're old,

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'cause your skin gets stretched too thin.

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It's like, "Look how ripped I am!"

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Yeah, but I can see your heart.

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[audience roars with laughter]

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Put on a shirt.

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You're grossing me out.

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But, um...
my favorite part of being married

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is my wife deciding
what I don't need anymore.

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[in Mexican accent] "This doesn't fit.
This looks like shit. Can't wear this."

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She's not Mexican.

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It's just more fun to do that voice.
[chuckles] It's more fun.

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She could be Mexican. I'm not sure.
I just...

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I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% sure.

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"You don't wear this anymore.
This doesn't fit anymore."

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My wife threw away all my sweatpants.

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Threw it away. I said,
"Why'd you throw away my sweatpants?"

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[in Mexican accent]
"Because sweatpants, they lie to you!

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They are liars, the sweatpants.

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You don't know how fat you're getting.

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You don't know

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till one day,
both the strings just disappear.

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[audience laughing]

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Then you are a fat fuck!

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Then it's too late! I throw them away!"

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[chuckling]

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She's right, though. Let me tell you.
If you're in your 50s, and you're a guy,

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it's dangerous, wearing sweatpants. It is.

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It's dangerous. 'Cause it's way too easy
to just whip out your dick.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]
I found myself whipping out my dick.

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I wasn't even halfway to the bathroom.
Like...

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[audience laughing]

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And then I get distracted
by something, like...

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[audience laughing]

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Then I hear my wife yelling,

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"What are you doing with your dick out?
You're not even in the bathroom yet!"

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I was like, "Hey, I didn't even realize
the Olive Garden had a salad bar.

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[audience laughing]

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They've got a..."

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[chuckles]

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But I have my own problems.

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I have a three-year-old
'cause I'm a fucking idiot.

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[audience laughing]

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[sighs]

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[smacks lips]
Did not think that one through. I didn't.

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I thought it in. I didn't think it...

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[audience laughing]

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I didn't think it through.

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She's super cute.

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We also have a, uh, seven-year-old,
my wife and I, and...

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She's a little tough
on the [stammers] seven-year-old

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when she had to go through potty training.
She was tough. Very... She said,

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[in Mexican accent] "We're going
to hold her legs down on the toilet.

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We'll close the door,

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then she won't be able to get out.
She'll know this is the potty.

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One day of screaming.
We'll hold her little legs there.

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Put on your earplugs, whatever the fuck
you need to do. We're screaming."

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And it was awful, but she was right.
It was one day, you know.

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But I said, "You know,
for the new baby, for the accident,

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let's not...

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[audience laughing]

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Let's let the accident decide
when she's ready.

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Maybe a little less cruel this time.
Maybe? Huh?"

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[chuckles]

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So we let her decide when it was ready.

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And, uh... she's three years old,

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and, uh... she hasn't decided she's ready.
She hasn't.

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[audience laughing]

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She said to me the other day,
"Papi, cámbiame por favor."

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I was like, "¿Qué?

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What?"

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"Papi, change me, please, Daddy."

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I was like, "Well, Madeleine,

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if you're smart enough to tell me
in two different fucking languages...

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-Um... [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

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You're smart enough to hop
your little culo

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up on that toilet right there,
do your business up there.

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Okay? All right?

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You know, uh,
your diapers are a size seis, seis. Yeah.

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They don't make siete. They don't.

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You know why?

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You're supposed to have this shit
figured out by now. Yeah. Un-huh.

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They don't make 'em bigger.
Don't know what what to tell you.

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You don't figure this out,

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you're gonna have to borrow one
from Grandma. That's all I have for you."

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You know.

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[audience clapping]

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Now, my wife loves our kids,

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and, uh... so she doesn't let me be
in charge of too many things. [chuckles]

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So, some things, though, by default, um,
come to me to make a decision.

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Okay, so I happen to sleep on the side
of the bed right next to the door.

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And so, like, when my seven-year-old,
she wants to come and sleep with us,

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I have to decide whether she really
needs to sleep with us.

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'Cause she comes, you know, to stay.

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She's got, like, her little pillow,
her rabbit.

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She's not coming to say,
"Hi. How are you?

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I thought I'd bring everything.
Muah. Go back to bed."

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No, she's there for the whole night!

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So she comes over, and I look at her,
and I go, "What's up?"

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She goes, "I need to come sleep with you."

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[audience laughing]

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"Like, um... why?
You have your own bed. Why?"

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"Uh...

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Had nightmare.

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So, excuse me. I need to get in.

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[audience laughing]

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I need to get in there."

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"Okay, no, no. I need more information.
Tell me about this nightmare."

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"Dinosaurs.

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[audience laughing]

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Excuse me, I need to be in there."

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"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dinosaurs what?"

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"Chasing me. Chasing me."

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[audience laughing]

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"Okay, dinosaurs chasing you. Okay. Okay.

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Um, not scary enough. Go back to bed now.
Come on. Come on."

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[audience laughing]

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It's not scary enough.

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They're not eating your face!

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Not scary enough

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to screw up my whole night's sleep.

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That's what it does,
screws up my night's sleep.

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She doesn't sleep like an angel,
like I do, like this. [hums]

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She sprawls out. She's like...

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I don't need that shit.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles] Now, I have allergies,

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which means, six o'clock in the morning,

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I sneeze about 20 times.

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If I didn't have a downstairs,
I'd be divorced for sure, for sure.

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This is my third marriage.
I don't wanna get divorced again, okay?

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I live in Hollywood,
so that's, like, one, you know, but...

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I gotta make this marriage work...

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'cause I really like my house.

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-[audience laughing]
-Know what I'm saying? It's a nice house.

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It's got heated bathroom floors.
"Fuck, that feels good. Shit.

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[woman whoos]

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I don't wanna have to lose this. Fuck!

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Guess I better figure out what that
crazy wife is talking about. [chuckles]

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What's that, honey? Yeah!

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Let's look at all the schools."

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[giggling]

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But anyway, so I go downstairs,
and I'm sneezing.

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I go downstairs to sneeze. I go,
"Achoo, achoo, achoo..."

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I was like... My wife's like,
"I still fucking hear you!"

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[audience laughing]

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But...

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And I came back-- I come back upstairs,
and Miranda, our seven-year-old,

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is asleep already
in my side of the bed...

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"I don't wanna deal with this right now.

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Forget it.
I'll find someplace else to sleep, okay?"

209
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So I go to another part of the house
I've never even been before. You know?

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"Fuck, there's a room over here.
I didn't know this.

211
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There's a whole other wing."

212
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So... [chuckles] and so,
I open up a door, you know,

213
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and my wife beat me to it.

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She's already asleep in the bed.
I go, "Whatever," you know.

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So I get into bed with her.
And, like, when you're in your 50s,

216
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you can't just fall back right to sleep.

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You know, it's like...
it takes a little while.

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So whenever I'm in bed with my wife,
and I can't sleep,

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I just start, you know,

220
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grabbing a little bit. Just a little bit.

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-A little grab, you know.
-[man] Yeah, bud!

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I'm hoping one day, she might go,
"Oh, you know, that's a good idea."

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[chuckles] You know?

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It hasn't happened yet,
but you gotta put it out there.

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You know what I mean?
You gotta try. You put it out.

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Anyway, so I'm grabbing a little bit,
and I noticed,

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it feels... a little softer
than what I'm used to.

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A little bit. But I'm not gonna judge.

229
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Maybe she took a hot bath.
I don't know, whatever.

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But her breasts also felt similarly off,
you know.

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Then I thought to myself,
"You know, there's a chance

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this is not my wife."

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00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,946
[audience roars with laughter]

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00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,906
So I got out of bed, [chuckles]

235
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and I ran back to the bedroom,
and I saw my wife in there,

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asleep in a chair.

237
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And I said, "Honey, wake up."
She goes, "What is it?"

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I said, "Honey, I think
I may have molested your mother."

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00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:29,253
[audience whoos, laughs]

240
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So...

241
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,466
[chuckles] She pushed right by me.
She just went,

242
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,301
"Mom, why didn't you say anything?"

243
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:38,804
And her mom says,
"You know I don't talk to that idiot!"

244
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,139
[audience laughing]

245
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,098
So...

246
00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:42,933
whatever...

247
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,102
I'll tell you about myself more.

248
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:48,898
I'm, uh, I'm Asian. My mom's Filipino.

249
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:51,942
And, uh, that's usually where

250
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,403
one person, Filipino,
in the crowd goes, "Whew!"

251
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,656
[chuckles] But anyway...
But not this time.

252
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,240
I'm a mixed-race person.

253
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:01,494
In this age of diversity, you know,
they want to hire...

254
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:04,246
"Let's have Asian people.
Let's have Black people.

255
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,582
Let's have women. Diversity."

256
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:11,295
So I'm Asian, but I'm not Asian enough
where it can help me these days.

257
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,506
-[audience laughing]
-It's like, "Fuck!"

258
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:17,468
I'm, like, Rob Schneider.
I'm not, like, Rob Akabonaito, you know.

259
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,095
Fuck!

260
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,973
I'm part Asian. I know you've been
looking at me, thinking,

261
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,851
"I know there's something in there.
What the hell is it?

262
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,020
What is in there, exactly?"

263
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,983
It's tough. I have an Asian mother.
I don't recommend it. I don't.

264
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,318
[audience laughing]

265
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,904
[chuckles] They're tough.
It was very tough for me.

266
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:40,408
I didn't get that treatment
when I was a kid, "You're so good.

267
00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:42,493
Have a great time. You're so smart.

268
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:45,121
You're so good.
You can be anything you want."

269
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,582
I got A's and B's in school.
"Mom, I got straight A's."

270
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,126
She goes, "So what?

271
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,129
That's your job, to get straight A's.
You're smart, not an idiot. Come on.

272
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,674
Huh? What do you want, a cookie?
You want a cookie for that? Huh? Huh?

273
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,759
That's your job. What's expected of you.

274
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,303
You want something extra,
do something extra. Huh.

275
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:02,847
[audience laughing]

276
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:06,517
You do your job. You don't hear me going,
'I cooked and cleaned all day.

277
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,603
What do I get? What do I get?
What do I get? What do I get?

278
00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,604
What do I get?'

279
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,566
No. You do your job, I do my job. Huh.

280
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,361
We keep this relationship nice and cold.
That's it, okay?"

281
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,738
[audience laughing]

282
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:19,655
And it was.

283
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,826
The thing I remember most about
my childhood is my mom yelling at me.

284
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:26,620
Whether it was to protect me or whatever,
she was like,

285
00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,205
"See what happens, huh?

286
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,416
You fell down. See what happens, huh?

287
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:32,626
No running in the house.
See what happens, huh?

288
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,879
You hurt yourself. See what happens, huh?

289
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,007
You broke that. See what happens?
No roughhousing. See what happens?

290
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,426
Huh? You knocked that over.
See what happens?"

291
00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:42,428
[audience laughing]

292
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:46,015
One time, we were playing basketball
three miles away from the house.

293
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,058
Somebody twisted an ankle.
All of a sudden,

294
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,144
"See what happens?"

295
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:51,437
[audience laughing]

296
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:58,527
"Dude, that's your mom
on a mountain over there."

297
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,739
"See what happens?"

298
00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,039
I grew up in San Francisco.

299
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,501
My first job
was Chang and Chow's 76 station,

300
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,211
gas station, yeah.

301
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,254
They used to pay us on Saturday.

302
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,840
This is before we had banks open
on Saturday.

303
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,092
Cash. They'd pay us cash on Saturdays.

304
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:25,346
And then they'd take us out
to Chinese food,

305
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:29,517
give us a couple of beers, play poker.
They'd win all our fucking money back.

306
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,227
-[chuckling]
-[audience laughing]

307
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,104
I did that for two weeks, then I go,
"I'm not fucking doing that again.

308
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:37,358
They took all our money, Bob,
for cheap fucking Chinese food!"

309
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,902
[chuckles] Here's the thing.

310
00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:45,157
Uh... the Chinese have been communist
for 71 years so far and counting,

311
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,536
but they've been capitalists
for 2,000 fucking years.

312
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,371
Okay? That's right.

313
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:55,042
You want to get Chinese food
after the show? We'll find a place.

314
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,212
Even if they're closed, it's like...

315
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,673
[in Chinese accent]
"Oh, I sorry, we're closed."

316
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:02,049
"I got 500 people."

317
00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:03,759
"Oh, okay, we're fucking open.

318
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,137
Come on in.
We just offer the midnight special.

319
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,639
We have a midnight special.

320
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:09,765
[audience laughing]

321
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,227
That's right. My dad was Jewish.

322
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:15,604
We know we can get
Chinese food on Christmas,

323
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,691
'cause the Chinese, they don't give a fuck
about any holiday.

324
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,151
[in Chinese accent]
"We're open Christmas. Come!

325
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,987
Yeah, all day long. Come on down.

326
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:25,906
No, fuck Jesus!
Come on down. We're open. Oh, yeah.

327
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,326
'Cause he born that day,
we go broke? Fuck that, no way.

328
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,286
No way.

329
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:33,789
The fish in the tank, they don't know
what day it is. They don't.

330
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,708
Just another Tuesday for them.

331
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:38,961
President assassinated?

332
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,963
Two-for-one buffet today.

333
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,257
Two-for-one,
president assassination special.

334
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,093
9/11? Come on, you got choice.

335
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:48,762
Nine different kind of meat,
11 kind of noodles.

336
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,015
It's a 9/11 special.

337
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,224
[audience laughing]

338
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:55,144
I know it's sad. We cry. We cry. It's sad.

339
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,146
Then we get hungry!

340
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:00,858
Then we got egg foo yung,
pork fried rice,

341
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:04,486
got the lo mein noodle, panfried noodle,
seared noodle.

342
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:08,741
And then we've got, of course,
the wonton noodle, the wonton noodle.

343
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,162
[Speaking Chinese]

344
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:14,997
Yeah, okay.

345
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,292
We've got one more order,
beef with the oyster sauce.

346
00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:20,336
We've got one more order.

347
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,379
Beef with the oyster sauce."

348
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,717
That's not racist, that's accurate.

349
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,719
That is accurate, very.

350
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,596
[audience cheering, clapping]

351
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:31,513
No.

352
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,099
You gotta understand.

353
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,727
You know how hard it is
for you to speak Chinese?

354
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,688
That's how hard it is for Chinese people
to speak English.

355
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,816
It gets stuck in the back of the throat,
they gotta get it out.

356
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,069
[in Chinese accent]
"Beef with oyster sauce!

357
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:49,949
Beef! Oyster sauce! Beef! Oyster!"

358
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,617
[audience roars with laughter]

359
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:57,414
You know what you never see in America?
Homeless Asian people.

360
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,250
-[audience cheering]
-You don't see that shit.

361
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:02,878
[man] Let's go!

362
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:06,382
Asian people like, [in Chinese accent]
"No, fuck that. No way."

363
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,509
We figure out something else.

364
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,388
No, we'll work on a part of the body
nobody wants to go near,

365
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,598
like the toenails.
We do the whole toenail.

366
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:18,018
We'll do the toenail.
We scrape that shit off the back.

367
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,269
[audience laughing]

368
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,606
No, no, no.
No, we'll wax your anus from the front.

369
00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:28,112
We'll just get in there.
We'll just get in there. Get in there.

370
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:29,154
[puffs in mic]

371
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,367
We'll bleach your asshole.
Sure, why not? Come on.

372
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,202
You're already here.

373
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,872
Why not bleach your asshole?
Sure, another $25.

374
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:42,751
We'll massage you, jerk you off,
take your white devil money somehow.

375
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,378
Oh, come on already!

376
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,463
Oh! Oh!

377
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,049
When you go, go the other way. Come on.

378
00:16:49,758 --> 00:16:52,219
It's humiliating for me, too.
Come on. All right."

379
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:59,309
My favorite though, are the Koreans,
another hard-working group of people.

380
00:16:59,935 --> 00:17:02,312
Koreans, hard-working.

381
00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:06,900
Except with the Korean barbecue.
I gotta say, it's a little lazy in there.

382
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,861
A bit. You go to a Korean barbecue,

383
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,739
[in Korean accent]
"Welcome to Korean barbecue. Welcome.

384
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,450
Be very careful, hot coal. Very hot.

385
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,453
Ow, hot. Hot coal.

386
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,538
Hot. Careful, hot coal. Hot."

387
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,665
"Okay, I get it. Hot coal, I get it.

388
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,584
So how does this shit work?"

389
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:26,962
[in Korean accent] "Okay.
Here's the raw filet mignon. There you go.

390
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,423
Raw filet mignon. There you go.
Raw filet mi--"

391
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:30,924
"What do I do with it?"

392
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:34,261
"Oh, you cook it. You cook it.
You cook it.  You cook it."

393
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:35,554
[audience laughing]

394
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,806
"Hey, I'm paying you to go out to eat.

395
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,601
You cook it. You cook it. You cook it."

396
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:45,064
[in Korean accent] "No, no, no,
you cook it. You cook it. You cook it."

397
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,398
[audience laughing]

398
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,903
Seems kind of lazy, huh?

399
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,448
I'd hate to go to a Korean whorehouse.

400
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:56,325
[audience roars with laughter]

401
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:59,411
[in Korean accent] "Welcome to
Korean whorehouse. Come on in!

402
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,580
This is the room. You suck your own dick.

403
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:05,042
Yeah, yeah, you suck it!
You suck it! You suck it!

404
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:08,545
Then come over this room.
You fuck yourself hard, this room.

405
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,965
Oh, huh-huh!
You get your money's worth, this room. Oh!

406
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,342
Oh!

407
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:17,429
Then you come over here,
you take a shower, then get the fuck out.

408
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,473
Why you stay here so long?

409
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,267
We have other customer."

410
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,685
[audience laughing]

411
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,398
Takeru Saito, ladies and gentlemen.

412
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,110
[audience cheering, clapping]

413
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,157
Wanna play a little something, buddy?

414
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,618
[soft piano playing]

415
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:43,413
Well, I'm glad, as a society,

416
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:47,918
men have finally had their reckoning
with their horrible behavior.

417
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:52,714
Some things were conveniently forgotten
during this whole episode,

418
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,759
conveniently forgotten about men
and their behavior.

419
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,053
It's that men are...

420
00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:02,057
-pigs, you know.
-[audience laughing]

421
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,685
I should say men have pig potential.

422
00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:05,769
Pig potential.

423
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,314
I'm a guy. I have pig potential.

424
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,691
If my wife said to me,

425
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:13,569
"Hey, you can make out
with my best friend,"

426
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,362
I wouldn't do it,

427
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,198
but I'd probably ask,

428
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,200
"Which one?"

429
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,119
[audience laughing]

430
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,745
I'm not Jesus.

431
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,540
I have pig potential.

432
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,586
I've been to Starbucks.
I've looked down at the end of the line.

433
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:34,173
I've seen a nice-looking girl
with exposed cleavage, thought to myself,

434
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,593
"You know, probably feel pretty good
to go over there and go..."

435
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,471
Pfft.

436
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:43,849
Pfft. Pfft.

437
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:45,350
Pfft.

438
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:47,853
But I don't do it.

439
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,023
'Cause you know
what in my head feels better?

440
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,567
To be able to order a cappuccino

441
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:56,445
without having to register
as a fucking sex offender.

442
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:57,946
[audience laughing]

443
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,283
-"Cappuccino, Rob, sex offender."
-"Yeah, right here. Thank you."

444
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,501
All men have pig potential.

445
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,131
I'm gonna sell out every guy in the room.
Sorry, I'm gonna do it.

446
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,883
Ladies, the guy you're with now,

447
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:22,262
I don't care if you've been married
one year, five years, ten years, 20 years.

448
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,890
I don't care if you got kids, grandkids.

449
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:28,685
The first time the person you're hoping
to spend the rest your life with,

450
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,646
the first time he went out with you,

451
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:32,481
first time, first time,

452
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:37,152
he only wanted to have sex with you.
That's all he wanted, all he wanted it.

453
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,820
If he could've just had sex
and went home,

454
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,323
it would've been
the greatest fucking night ever.

455
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,283
Sorry. Don't get me wrong, ladies.

456
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,995
He loves you now for you,
'cause you're amazing. You are!

457
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,706
You changed him. You did!

458
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,166
You did!

459
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,167
You're incredible.

460
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,003
But the first time,
he only wanted to have sex with you.

461
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,588
That was it. That's all he wanted.

462
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,341
I'm sorry, guys are looking...

463
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:00,884
for sex.

464
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:06,598
And if a relationship happens, fuck it,
they'll deal with it, okay?

465
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,683
[audience laughing]

466
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:08,976
It's not what they want.

467
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:12,521
They just end up in it,
they don't even know how it happened.

468
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:13,981
[audience laughing]

469
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:17,359
"What?
You want to get something to eat first?

470
00:21:19,653 --> 00:21:21,238
Yeah, I'll eat something, yeah.

471
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:23,699
Sure.

472
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:27,035
At your parents' house, really? Oh.

473
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,121
Hmm, okay, yeah.

474
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:33,875
Are you hanging your shit up in my closet?
Is that what you're doing?

475
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,837
Good, hang it up.
I don't want it to wrinkle. Don't want--

476
00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:40,132
I think I'm in this fucking thing.
What the hell happened?

477
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,301
I thought I was just fucking her."

478
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:47,347
Conversely,
women are looking for a relationship.

479
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:51,101
And if sex happens, fuck it,
they'll deal with it.

480
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:52,686
[audience roars with laughter]

481
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:57,107
"Oh, God, there it is. Oh, my God.

482
00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:59,234
Here we go. [chuckles]

483
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,652
Oh, my God.

484
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:02,154
Hey.

485
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:04,156
What's that? What?

486
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:05,782
Turn around?

487
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:08,076
Oh, it's happening. It's happening.

488
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,621
It's happening. It's happening.

489
00:22:11,705 --> 00:22:12,789
What? Look at you?

490
00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:17,252
I am looking at you. I'm looking at you.
I am looking at you. I am looking...

491
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,921
Oh, that was disgusting! Oh, my God!"

492
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,090
[audience laughing]

493
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,301
[chuckling]

494
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:27,679
There are women that are the exception.

495
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,181
"Where's the dick?"

496
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,353
Those are the women I'm looking for,
but they're gone early.

497
00:22:34,644 --> 00:22:36,396
Gotta get there by 8:00 in the morning.

498
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,815
"Girls that like dick?
Oh, they're gone. Fuck.

499
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:42,611
Shit. Missed... missed it again."

500
00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:44,029
[chuckles]

501
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,655
Un...

502
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:47,240
[chuckling]

503
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:53,080
But, um... very early in the relationship,
guys have to do emotional math.

504
00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:57,292
They say, like, "Okay,
I'm really crazy attracted to her.

505
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:59,544
I just can't stand not being with her.

506
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:00,796
But...

507
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,091
how much work
is this really fucking gonna be?

508
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:05,592
[audience laughing]

509
00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:11,348
Is she showing me, like, the real crazy,
or is there another crazy, crazy?

510
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,392
[high-pitched voice]
"Where the fuck were you?

511
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:17,562
I saw your phone!
Who are you fucking in Park City?"

512
00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,272
Or wherever.

513
00:23:21,441 --> 00:23:22,984
When is that gonna come out?

514
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,488
Has she been lying to me
this whole fucking time?

515
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:30,992
'Cause I've been lying to her
this whole fucking time.

516
00:23:31,743 --> 00:23:33,412
I have no idea who I am."

517
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:34,913
[audience laughing]

518
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:37,124
And then they jump in.

519
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,501
They make the commitment.

520
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:44,297
You know, and they do that
by how crazy attracted they are to you.

521
00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:47,050
That's it, you know?
Guys are not complicated.

522
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:49,302
They just wanna be with a woman
that drives them crazy,

523
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,556
that they just have to be with,
that they're crazy attracted to.

524
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:54,391
You know, beauty has its place.

525
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:59,354
People tell me all the time, "Hey, Rob,
your wife's way too beautiful for you."

526
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,816
It's like, "Well, you know, [chuckles]
that's what I was going for."

527
00:24:02,899 --> 00:24:05,569
[chuckles] You know. I like those.

528
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:07,070
[audience laughing]

529
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:10,532
Beauty has its place. It does.

530
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,910
People like to hear that.
"Oh, what a beautiful child! Beautiful."

531
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,705
People like to hear that.
"Beautiful child! Beautiful."

532
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,206
They don't like to hear,

533
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:19,749
"Ooh.

534
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,668
[audience laughing]

535
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:23,170
What happened?

536
00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:25,505
Was there a fire?

537
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,467
Are you gonna keep it? You should keep it.

538
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,969
Keep her for a little while."

539
00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:32,262
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:38,977
And then a guy jumps in that relationship.

541
00:24:39,436 --> 00:24:41,605
Now, here's an interesting thing
about guys,

542
00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:43,356
it's that

543
00:24:43,773 --> 00:24:46,026
guys work proportionately
in a relationship

544
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:47,903
depending on how attracted
they are to you.

545
00:24:48,361 --> 00:24:50,655
If a guy's with a woman that he feels

546
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:53,492
is about the same level
of attractiveness as he is,

547
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,746
he'll have a certain amount of devotion,
time, effort, care in the relationship.

548
00:24:57,829 --> 00:25:00,582
However, weird thing is,
if a guy's with a woman

549
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,543
that he knows is way out of his league,

550
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:05,337
he will work harder.

551
00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:08,882
Say a guy's going out with
a Victoria's Secret model.

552
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:09,966
The guy's like,

553
00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:12,677
"What's that, honey? What?

554
00:25:12,969 --> 00:25:13,803
What?

555
00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:15,388
Tell me.

556
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,642
You can't find your car keys?

557
00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:21,061
Well! [chuckling]

558
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,813
Let's just go buy another car!

559
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,108
Yeah, [chuckles]
I'll fill out all that shit!

560
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:30,070
Go get your nails done. Get a massage.

561
00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:32,572
Seriously.
I'll get a second job to pay for it.

562
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:35,325
I don't need sleep.
You married a strong guy."

563
00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:36,535
[audience laughing]

564
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:40,705
If it's a guy who feels he's
the same level of attractiveness

565
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:42,249
as the woman he's with,

566
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,042
"What's that, honey? What?

567
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:48,421
You can't find your car keys?

568
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:52,050
Well, looks like
you're gonna have to walk, bitch.

569
00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:52,968
I mean...

570
00:25:53,051 --> 00:25:54,553
[audience roars with laughter]

571
00:25:55,971 --> 00:25:57,556
I am helping you!

572
00:25:58,306 --> 00:26:02,143
Maybe on your walk home, you figure out
where you left your goddamn car keys!

573
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,853
I'm at work right now!"

574
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,232
If it's a Victoria's Secret model,

575
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:11,444
"What's that, honey? What? Tell me.

576
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,657
You left the kids at the mall?

577
00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:17,367
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

578
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,578
We can have more kids!

579
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,163
Sure, we can. It'll be fun!"

580
00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:29,087
If it's a guy who feels the same level
of attractiveness as the woman he's with,

581
00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:30,171
"What's that, honey?

582
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:33,174
You left the kids at the mall?

583
00:26:34,884 --> 00:26:37,721
-That was fucking dumb, wasn't it?
-[audience laughing]

584
00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:39,723
Well, yeah, they're with me right now.

585
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:42,851
They're not gonna call the parent
that fucking left them there.

586
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,269
That would make them dumb.

587
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,813
They found your goddamn car keys!

588
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:49,274
I'm at work right now!"

589
00:26:49,357 --> 00:26:50,358
[audience laughing]

590
00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,112
If it was a Victoria's Secret model,

591
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,115
"What's that? What's that, honey?

592
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,202
You killed my mother?

593
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:05,874
Well,
she's been feeling terrible recently.

594
00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:07,083
[audience laughing]

595
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:08,835
Somebody had to do something.

596
00:27:10,629 --> 00:27:11,504
Thank you.

597
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:13,590
I love you."

598
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:15,717
[mouthing]

599
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:23,350
If it's a guy who feels about the same
level of attractiveness as his wife,

600
00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:25,518
"What's that, honey? You what?

601
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,521
You killed my mother?

602
00:27:30,690 --> 00:27:32,817
She's been feeling terrible recently.

603
00:27:32,901 --> 00:27:34,486
[audience roars with laughter]

604
00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,572
Somebody had to do something.

605
00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:39,699
Thank you.

606
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:41,576
I love you."

607
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:42,827
[mouthing]

608
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,913
[audience whooing, clapping]

609
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:47,957
[chuckles]

610
00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:48,917
Thank you.

611
00:27:51,628 --> 00:27:54,047
Look, I'll be honest with you.

612
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:55,757
My wife's wanted to divorce me.

613
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:57,926
We've been together for ten years.

614
00:27:58,301 --> 00:28:01,262
She's wanted to divorce me
every three months for ten years.

615
00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:02,681
[audience laughing]

616
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:06,851
It's gonna happen again in two weeks.
I know it.

617
00:28:07,185 --> 00:28:08,770
I'm used to it. I can deal with it.

618
00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:10,563
Hey, I'm too old to quit. I am.

619
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:14,526
It's tough when you marry somebody
younger than you

620
00:28:14,609 --> 00:28:17,237
'cause they still have... hope.

621
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:19,197
-[audience laughing]
-You know?

622
00:28:22,075 --> 00:28:23,493
That's tough to squeeze out.

623
00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:28,289
After, uh... two years of being married,
my wife said to me,

624
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:30,625
[in Mexican accent]
"It's not getting better.

625
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,545
You said it's gonna get better,
but it's no mejor.

626
00:28:33,628 --> 00:28:35,380
No mejor. It's no better.

627
00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:37,799
Why am I hanging in there for, huh?

628
00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:41,302
Losing more of my youth, my youth,
my youth. Bye-bye, youth. Bye."

629
00:28:42,220 --> 00:28:45,306
I was like, "Well, honey,
you gotta get over the hump."

630
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,350
The hump is, like, three years.

631
00:28:47,434 --> 00:28:49,936
Get over the hump, then go,
'Thank God we hung in there.'

632
00:28:50,019 --> 00:28:51,771
'Cause you're over the hump, huh?"

633
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,651
After three years, [in Mexican accent]
"Okay, we're over the hump.

634
00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:01,114
But it's no better, no mejor.
Why am I hanging in there,

635
00:29:01,197 --> 00:29:03,950
losing more of my youth,
youth, youth, youth, youth?"

636
00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:06,911
"Honey, I didn't really tell you.

637
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,664
What I really meant was, like, five years.

638
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:11,791
That's when you have a history together.

639
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,586
Five years. [puffs]
Thank God I didn't quit, you know?"

640
00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:16,296
After five years,

641
00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:20,300
[in Mexican accent]
"Okay, we got a history. Huh.

642
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:23,303
But it's not a good history.

643
00:29:23,386 --> 00:29:26,473
It's no mejor. It's no mejor.
Why am I hanging in there?

644
00:29:26,556 --> 00:29:30,435
More of my youth. Bye-bye, youth, youth,
youth, youth, youth, youth, youth."

645
00:29:31,227 --> 00:29:33,229
I had to just tell her, "Look, honey,

646
00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:35,398
it's easy to quit.

647
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:39,068
You can quit right now. I can't stop you.

648
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:43,907
You can find another guy, easy.
You're beautiful, brilliant, incredible.

649
00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:47,076
You're youthful. Your youth.
You've got your youth.

650
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:49,913
You'd find another guy like that.

651
00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:54,292
You're gonna have the same relationship
with him that you had with me,

652
00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:57,170
then you get bored again.
'When's it gonna get better?

653
00:29:57,253 --> 00:29:58,880
My youth! My youth! Blah, blah'

654
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:02,133
Then you leave that guy.
You could find another guy, easy.

655
00:30:02,217 --> 00:30:05,678
You're brilliant, beautiful, incredible.
You'll find another guy like that.

656
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:08,473
Then you're gonna have
the same relationship with him

657
00:30:08,556 --> 00:30:11,059
that you had with him,
that you had with me.

658
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:15,021
Or you could realize

659
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:19,484
that all these problems that you have
have nothing to fucking do with me!

660
00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:20,735
[audience laughing]

661
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:22,278
Figure it out!

662
00:30:24,697 --> 00:30:27,784
I can make you happier.
I can't make you happy.

663
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:30,620
You're responsible for your own feliz.

664
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,375
Maybe you don't realize,
that I am your Prince Charming.

665
00:30:35,458 --> 00:30:39,379
All right? Maybe you didn't realize
Prince Charming is gonna look like me,

666
00:30:40,129 --> 00:30:44,509
be as old as me and as short as me,
but I am your Prince Charming."

667
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:49,347
I haven't told her that last part yet,
but I'm this fucking close.

668
00:30:49,430 --> 00:30:50,598
Know what I'm saying?

669
00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:52,433
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckling]

670
00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:56,771
When I say it's up to each of us
to find our own, to be happy,

671
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,441
the "er" part is on us, guys.
It really is. The "er" part.

672
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:02,277
And don't make them "un," unhappy.

673
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,404
Make them happier, you know.

674
00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:08,324
Read a woman, you know?
Listen to what she says.

675
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:12,036
Don't do what she says,
'cause she doesn't mean that,

676
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,747
but figure out what the fuck
she really is saying.

677
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:17,375
'Cause women speak in code,

678
00:31:17,458 --> 00:31:22,088
and it's up to us to kind of figure out...
the code

679
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:26,593
for what's healthiest in the relationship.
Like when my wife says to me,

680
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:29,262
[in Mexican accent] "I'm gonna go
downstairs and get some water."

681
00:31:29,345 --> 00:31:33,558
What she's really saying is,
"Go downstairs and get me some water."

682
00:31:33,641 --> 00:31:34,893
[audience laughing]

683
00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:38,146
Then when I say,
"Do you want me to get it for you?"

684
00:31:38,229 --> 00:31:41,649
What I'm really saying is,
"Please don't make me get it for you.

685
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:44,944
It's cold as shit down there.

686
00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:46,988
I don't have any pants on.

687
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,490
I'd have to put my pants on."

688
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:53,161
When my wife said to me,

689
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:57,916
[in Mexican accent] "I'm really tired,"
what she's saying is,

690
00:31:57,999 --> 00:32:00,460
"Get that dick away from me!

691
00:32:00,543 --> 00:32:01,669
[audience laughing]

692
00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,004
I feel it on my back!"

693
00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:05,506
[woman laughing loud]

694
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:08,259
[audience laughing, clapping]

695
00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,765
[audience roars with laughter]

696
00:32:15,642 --> 00:32:17,852
That looks horrible. [chuckles] I'm sorry.

697
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,020
[audience laughing]

698
00:32:21,689 --> 00:32:23,483
But guys speak in code, too.

699
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:26,194
Like, late at night, guys speak in code.

700
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:28,821
"Honey, you mind
if I turn the heat down a bit?

701
00:32:28,905 --> 00:32:30,281
You know, a little bit?

702
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:32,241
The heat, a little bit, a little bit?

703
00:32:32,533 --> 00:32:35,161
Turn the heat down
a little bit, a bit, a bit?"

704
00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:39,624
What they're really saying is,
"I think I'm fucking dying!

705
00:32:39,707 --> 00:32:40,875
[audience laughing]

706
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:45,046
I spent the last four hours
laying down on the kitchen floor.

707
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:48,758
I'm already naked.
I can't take my skin off."

708
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:51,511
My wife will say to me,

709
00:32:51,594 --> 00:32:53,972
"I felt the weirdest thing
in the middle of the night."

710
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,014
It's like, "What?"

711
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,977
"I felt this cold air blowing on me."

712
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,563
And I had to go,
"Oh, that's fucked up. What?

713
00:33:02,647 --> 00:33:04,691
Who'd want that while they're sleeping?

714
00:33:05,608 --> 00:33:08,611
Nice, cool breeze
gently blowing on your body.

715
00:33:09,904 --> 00:33:11,489
I'm gonna check those windows."

716
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:13,574
That's what I said.

717
00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:15,994
That's not what I wanted to say.

718
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:17,954
What I wanted to say was,

719
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:20,164
"It's the fucking air conditioning!"

720
00:33:21,124 --> 00:33:24,877
You fell asleep, so I snuck up, and
I turned the fucking air conditioning on

721
00:33:24,961 --> 00:33:26,295
'cause I was melting!

722
00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:29,173
I weigh 50 pounds more than you!

723
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,592
You could sleep with a sweater on."

724
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:37,348
I could make it better.
You know, I could do more.

725
00:33:37,432 --> 00:33:39,642
Our date nights suck,
to be honest with you.

726
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,520
The woman you're with,
she's giving you everything.

727
00:33:42,603 --> 00:33:44,647
Her life, [in Mexican accent] her youth.

728
00:33:45,648 --> 00:33:47,567
Dedicated her life. Make it special.

729
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:48,860
Women need that.

730
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,195
You gotta make them feel special,
you know?

731
00:33:51,654 --> 00:33:54,574
I fucked up again Christmas.
I'm gonna tell you this story.

732
00:33:55,241 --> 00:33:58,077
I waited till the end of the night,
the end of the night.

733
00:33:58,161 --> 00:33:59,370
That's not good, guys.

734
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:05,710
My wife's already in bed. She's in bed,
in bed, about to fall asleep.

735
00:34:05,793 --> 00:34:07,920
And that's when I decided to get romantic.

736
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,757
That's when I decided to sneak in the bed,

737
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:12,925
going, [in deeper voice] "Honey...

738
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:14,260
[audience laughing]

739
00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:16,512
Yes, it's you. It is you. Okay, it is you.

740
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,640
Yes. Good, good, good. Got that part.

741
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:23,728
Honey, Merry Christmas.

742
00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:26,856
You wanna fool around?

743
00:34:28,024 --> 00:34:30,151
It's Christmas."

744
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:31,986
"Merry Christmas.

745
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:32,945
No."

746
00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:36,199
"But it's Christmas."

747
00:34:36,282 --> 00:34:37,241
"I don't care."

748
00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:40,495
"You don't have to do much."

749
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:44,624
[speaking Spanish]
"Gracias por la oferta. No, gracias."

750
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,502
"What does that mean?"

751
00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:50,213
"Thank you for the offer. No, thank you.

752
00:34:50,296 --> 00:34:51,881
But thank you. Thank you."

753
00:34:53,424 --> 00:34:54,467
"Please."

754
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,676
[audience laughing]

755
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:58,554
[in Mexican accent]
"Let me tell you about my day, okay?

756
00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:00,807
While you were still sleeping,

757
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:03,893
I got up and I finished
wrapping the presents for the girls.

758
00:35:03,976 --> 00:35:06,813
And then,
while you were on your fucking phone,

759
00:35:07,605 --> 00:35:09,607
I got the girls dressed for the party.

760
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,652
And when you were still
on your fucking phone,

761
00:35:13,402 --> 00:35:15,446
I prepared and cooked for the party.

762
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:18,741
And while we were
opening up the presents,

763
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:22,745
and you were pretending to video tape
but still secretly on your fucking phone.

764
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:26,749
We opened up the presents, then we played.

765
00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:29,877
And then after, I gave them a nice bath

766
00:35:29,961 --> 00:35:32,630
read them a story,
and had them go to sleep.

767
00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:35,133
And then... I took a shower.

768
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:37,552
And now I'm ready to go to sleep.

769
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,804
And now, after all that,

770
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:43,266
you expect me to be excited
to have sex with you,

771
00:35:43,349 --> 00:35:45,476
so I have to take another fucking shower?

772
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:46,894
[audience laughing]

773
00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:49,856
Gracias. No, gracias."

774
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:53,234
[soft piano continues playing]

775
00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:56,821
"It could've been over by now.

776
00:35:56,904 --> 00:35:58,739
[audience roars with laughter]

777
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:02,660
Seriously, could've easily been over.
I mean, seriously.

778
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:05,621
[chuckling]

779
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,624
Before the whole part about, like, shower,

780
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:12,378
I would've been over by that part.
I swear, we didn't have to, like..."

781
00:36:12,461 --> 00:36:16,883
No. It's tu problema, no mi problema.
It's tu problema. Huh? No mi problema.

782
00:36:16,966 --> 00:36:20,219
Tu problema. Eh, eh, eh. Eh. Uh-eh.

783
00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:21,971
[audience laughing]

784
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:24,640
So, I'll be honest. Um...

785
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:29,478
I was, um... a little high.

786
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:31,731
But it... it was medical.

787
00:36:31,814 --> 00:36:34,358
Ow-huh! Ow! Ow!

788
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:36,652
It was medical. I needed it.

789
00:36:37,904 --> 00:36:39,655
[smacks lips]
But, uh...

790
00:36:40,823 --> 00:36:42,200
I didn't have any pants on.

791
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:45,369
-I should probably tell you that as well.
-[audience laughing]

792
00:36:46,329 --> 00:36:51,375
And I went downstairs to the refrigerator
and, uh... opened up the refrigerator,

793
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:54,128
saw a half-eaten pumpkin pie
from earlier in there.

794
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,172
Saw a can of whipped cream right there.

795
00:36:56,505 --> 00:36:59,508
Now, uh...
never done this before or since.

796
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:04,472
I just took the whipped cream and went,
huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff.

797
00:37:06,307 --> 00:37:08,309
-Psssh!
-[audience laughing]

798
00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,353
Psssh!

799
00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:12,980
Psssh! Psssh!

800
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:15,358
An hour before,
I took one of those blue pills.

801
00:37:15,441 --> 00:37:16,776
Psssh!

802
00:37:16,859 --> 00:37:18,319
Psssh!

803
00:37:18,402 --> 00:37:19,904
Psssh! Psssh! Psssh!

804
00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:21,322
Psssh!

805
00:37:22,198 --> 00:37:24,617
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckling]

806
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:28,788
I didn't know where this was gonna go,
I looked in the refrigerator and saw...

807
00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:31,540
some coconut flakes in there.
Like, "Oh, yeah."

808
00:37:31,624 --> 00:37:33,209
[audience laughing]

809
00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:36,587
Yeah. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff.

810
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:39,215
And they stayed on pretty good.

811
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:42,134
Not all of them, but enough of them,
you know.

812
00:37:42,468 --> 00:37:43,469
And I was like...

813
00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:49,267
"There's gotta be some chocolate chips
in this motherfucker. There's gotta be.

814
00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:52,103
There's always chocolate chips."
And there was chocolate chips,

815
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:53,938
right in there, right in there!

816
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:55,982
I took the chocolate chips,
and I put those on.

817
00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:58,734
The big ones fell off,
but the little ones stayed on.

818
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:02,029
The little ones. That's the key
to the whole thing, little ones.

819
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:05,741
And I said, "If there's some caramel
in this refrigerator,

820
00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:09,453
I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out.
That's it. That's it"

821
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:12,623
And there was caramel in there!
There was caramel!

822
00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:15,751
I took the caramel, and I said--
I go, "Robbie!

823
00:38:16,585 --> 00:38:18,087
Robinator!

824
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:19,880
Roberino!

825
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:22,466
-Robbie! Robster!
-[woman whooing]

826
00:38:22,550 --> 00:38:24,093
-Robbie!"
-[audience clapping]

827
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,595
And who comes around the corner?

828
00:38:28,723 --> 00:38:29,807
My wife.

829
00:38:32,601 --> 00:38:34,103
[audience laughing]

830
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:36,897
"All right.

831
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:41,027
I guess I'll have to try some of that."

832
00:38:41,110 --> 00:38:43,112
[audience roars with laughter]

833
00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:46,490
"Make your own!"

834
00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:48,576
[audience howls]

835
00:38:52,413 --> 00:38:53,998
[audience whooing]

836
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:03,090
Thank you guys so much.
I really appreciate it. Thank you.

837
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,300
[audience cheering]

838
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:06,218
Okay.

839
00:39:06,552 --> 00:39:09,638
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have a treat for you,

840
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,974
but more, really, a treat for me.

841
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:14,477
The one and only, my daughter,

842
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:15,519
Elle King.

843
00:39:16,437 --> 00:39:18,481
[audience cheering, clapping]

844
00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,200
Thank you.

845
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:34,997
I just wanted to tell you
that I used to be Rob Schneider,

846
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,500
and now I'm Elle King's dad.

847
00:39:37,875 --> 00:39:40,836
And, uh... I love you.

848
00:39:42,296 --> 00:39:44,965
We've never sung together publicly,

849
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:49,095
and I thought maybe tonight
would be a nice night to try it. Okay.

850
00:39:49,178 --> 00:39:51,097
-[audience cheering]
-This is his one.

851
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:52,348
[laughing]

852
00:39:52,973 --> 00:39:54,725
-I'll take it.
-[man] You can do it!

853
00:39:54,809 --> 00:39:56,018
It's a carol.

854
00:39:56,102 --> 00:39:57,478
[soft piano playing]

855
00:39:57,895 --> 00:40:02,400
♪ A candy-colored clown
They call the sandman ♪

856
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:08,406
♪ Tiptoes to my room every night ♪

857
00:40:09,115 --> 00:40:12,451
♪ Just to sprinkle stardust ♪

858
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:15,329
♪ And to whisper ♪

859
00:40:16,038 --> 00:40:18,082
♪ "Go to sleep ♪

860
00:40:18,165 --> 00:40:24,088
♪ Everything is all right" ♪

861
00:40:26,132 --> 00:40:29,927
♪ I close my eyes ♪

862
00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:34,807
♪ And drift away ♪

863
00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:41,147
♪ Into a magic night ♪

864
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:45,818
♪ I softly say ♪

865
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:51,490
♪ A silent prayer ♪

866
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:56,871
♪ Like dreamers do ♪

867
00:40:57,955 --> 00:41:02,001
♪ And then I fall asleep ♪

868
00:41:02,084 --> 00:41:06,464
♪ To dream sweet dreams of you ♪

869
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:11,552
♪ In dreams ♪

870
00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:13,304
♪ I walk ♪

871
00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:16,056
♪ With you ♪

872
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,228
♪ In dreams ♪

873
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:22,688
♪ I talk ♪

874
00:41:23,647 --> 00:41:25,900
♪ To you ♪

875
00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:33,115
♪ Just before ♪

876
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:36,702
♪ The dawn ♪

877
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,705
♪ I awake ♪

878
00:41:39,788 --> 00:41:45,503
♪ To find you gone ♪

879
00:41:46,420 --> 00:41:48,380
♪ I can't help it ♪

880
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:50,758
♪ I can't help it ♪

881
00:41:51,217 --> 00:41:53,761
♪ If I cry ♪

882
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,598
♪ I remember ♪

883
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:04,063
♪ That you said goodbye ♪

884
00:42:05,064 --> 00:42:07,525
♪ It's too bad ♪

885
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:13,280
♪ That all these things ♪

886
00:42:15,115 --> 00:42:18,244
♪ Can only happen ♪

887
00:42:18,327 --> 00:42:23,874
♪ In my dreams ♪

888
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:24,959
All you, baby.

889
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:30,714
♪ Only ♪

890
00:42:30,798 --> 00:42:34,969
♪ In dreams ♪

891
00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:41,392
♪ In beautiful ♪

892
00:42:41,475 --> 00:42:46,438
♪ Dreams ♪

893
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:49,525
[audience cheering]

894
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:56,240
[Rob] You're beautiful. Thank you.

895
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,410
[audience cheering continues]

896
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:03,289
[upbeat music playing]

897
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,291
♪ You can do it! ♪

898
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:08,252
♪ All night long! ♪

899
00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:16,635
[audience cheering]

900
00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:26,645
You wanna say hi?

901
00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,314
Hi!

902
00:43:28,397 --> 00:43:29,648
[audience cheering]

903
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,318
Hi. My name is...

904
00:43:32,401 --> 00:43:33,861
[audience laughing]

905
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,529
Okay. I'm gonna...

906
00:43:36,530 --> 00:43:37,406
Hi, everyone.

907
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:38,657
[audience cheering]

908
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:41,243
Thank you so much for coming.
This is my family.

909
00:43:41,327 --> 00:43:42,911
I love you. Thank you so much.

910
00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:45,247
I really appreciate it. We love you.

911
00:43:45,914 --> 00:43:47,207
Thank you so much.

912
00:43:47,291 --> 00:43:48,876
[audience cheering continues]