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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Come on! Thank you!

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Wow!

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Thank you very much!

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Wow. Perfect.

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Thank you so much.

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Okay, alright, I want to address
the elephant in the room

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Straight off the bat, yes,

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I am wearing a short
skirt on a raised stage.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I am fully aware that,
decisions were made.

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I'm committed to it now.

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So let's, you know... sorry

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[LAUGHTER]

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What happens here stays here.

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I also, I also want
to address the fact

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that I haven't shaved my
legs for the performance.

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And I... yes very brave.

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I am a hero

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and I wish I could say
that that was like

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some sort of cool like
articulation of my feminism

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or something like that.

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It is not that. It is
I'm just very lazy.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I forgot.

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But I honestly do think, I
have a theory that most...

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I think most acts
of radical feminism

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were born out of laziness.

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And do you know what I mean?

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Yeah, I too would
rather burn my bra

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than wash it by hand.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Like fucking Charlie Bucket's
mother or some shit.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Stirring old bra soup
with a wooden spoon.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I am not that.

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So, welcome to the show.

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Thank you for coming.

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The show is called Horn Dog,
as you can see from the stage.

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[LAUGHTER]

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At this point if the show
wasn't called Horn Dog

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I would have some questions,
you know what i mean?

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I am fully that it's an
incredibly intense name

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I think for a show that
is actually basically...

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this show is about love.

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So if you did come
tonight expecting

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like, you know, like
a sexy sex show,

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[LAUGHTER]

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So sorry.

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What you're about
to see is an hour

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of sensitive comedy from
a 27 year old Pisces.

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So, whoa!

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Raunchy! Want some!

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[LAUGHTER]

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And when I said the
show about love

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I don't want to freak you out.

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That sounds pretty
heavy, very deep.

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It is not a TED Talk, I can
promise you that much.

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It's not one of those
fucking comedy shows

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where it's like, oh,
there's a lesson

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to be learned at the end of it.

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I hate that kind of shit.

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[LAUGHTER]

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It's not the kind of
show where it's like

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Oh, in 2009 I ran over a cat

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and I learned about empathy.

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Like it's not...

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[LAUGHTER]

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And when I say a cat, I
mean biological father.

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And when I say empathy
I mean the patriarchy.

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[LAUGHTER]

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It's not that kind of show.

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It's a show, it's a
silly show about love.

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And it was actually inspired by

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something that happened to me
a couple of years ago,

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something big that
happened to me.

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And that is that
I read this book

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that changed my life
and a huge way.

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It sounds very cheesy
but it's true.

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And this book

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essentially it was all about
how the meaning of life

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ends up being the
things that you pay

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attention to the most
in your life, right?

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So the things you love the most,

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and your entire life ends up
being the very meaning of it.

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And I thought that was
an incredible thing

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to kind of, you know,
do a comedy show about.

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And obviously when I
do say I read a book,

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what I do actually mean there
is I listened to a podcast

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[LAUGHTER]

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with a review of that book
because I am 27 years old.

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I haven't read a book in four
fucking years, okay.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Four more years!
Four more years!

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[LAUGHTER]

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Books suck! [LAUGHTER]

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Anyway, no? Okay.

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How can I even read a book

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when I can't even afford
a house to read it in?

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[LAUGHTER]

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Don't clap that.

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I don't even know what
that means, right?

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Anti-boomer humour
at the start there.

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And also when I say I'm doing
a show about love, right,

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I don't necessarily
mean romantic love.

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I don't mean romantic love.

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I feel like it's a difficult
thing to talk about, romantic
love,

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especially when you're a
female comedian, I think.

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Because I think a lot of people
when you're a woman,

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your're a female comedian
talking about that

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they just don't think
that you're...

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They kind of get worried about
you a little bit, right,

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Like I feel like real
pity when I talk about

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anything remotely
emotional onstage.

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It's the exact same form of pity

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and you guys might know this.

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It's the same sort of
pity I feel as a woman

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when I eat alone
in a restaurant.

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That is the [LAUGHTER] exact...

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A few knowing laughs
[LAUGHTER] out there.

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I went, oh, this is true.

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I went to Palm Springs recently
on holiday, alone,

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because obviously I am
doing well financially

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but not well mentally,
okay? [LAUGHTER]

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Swings in roundabouts, yeah?

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And I will tell you this,

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going into a restaurant or
asking for a table for one

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and ordering a steak and martini

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is a suicide note
in any language.

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So [LAUGHTER]

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I am not gonna be
talking about anything

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remotely emotional tonight

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because, I mean, like love
it doesn't necessarily

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just mean romance.

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It's such a broad
concept, right.

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Like even the word love,

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it's a word that operates
in different ways

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depending on what context
you use it in, right.

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Like for instance I'll
give you an example.

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So, I could say, for
example, I could say that

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I love spaghetti carbonara.

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Yes, that is true, thank
you for the room, yeah.

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But it doesn't mean I want to
make love to spaghetti
carbonara.

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See the difference?
Clearly not.

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That must be [LAUGHTER]
holy shit, wild night.

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Okay. I'll give you
another example

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of the use of the word love.

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I could say that I love my
cat, yes, that is true.

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It doesn't mean they want
to eat my cat, yeah?

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[LAUGHTER]

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See the difference with the
use of the word love there?

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And the weirdest example
is that I don't

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even like the actor
Armie Hammer,

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but I want to fuck him and eat
him, yeah. [LAUGHTER]

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He's so mysterious the
way he [UNCLEAR].

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So, I knew that I had
to focus this show

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on a very, very specific
type of love, a type of love

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I think I've gravitated
towards my entire life

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And that is that I am a very
obsessive person by nature,

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and that is the approach
I take to love.

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I fucking go hard or go home
[LAUGHTER] alright?

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I have some style, and
I often use the word

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to describe this
obsessive kind of love.

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I use the word horny to
describe this type of love.

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I don't know if anyone else
does that. Probably not.

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Cause it is the wrong
use of that word, yeah?

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[LAUGHTER]

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But it's the only
word I could find

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in the English language
that describes

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this very specific type of
love, this obsessive love

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that almost feels like it's
bursting out of your heart
sometimes.

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It like compels you to
do like the wildest,

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craziest things in
your life, right?

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And it was the only
word I could find.

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And so I was say this
to my friend, Jack,

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about the show, I was like,

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oh, I've got a show
called Horn Dog.

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Horny's the only
word that describes

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this particular type of
love I wanna talk about.

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it's the best thing
on your heart,

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and you do the wildest
craziest things.

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And he was like, oh, yeah,
you mean passion?

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[LAUGHTER]

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AAnd I was like, what?

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And he went, you mean
the word of passion?

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And I was like, yes, I did.

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[LAUGHTER]

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So now I've got a
show called Horn Dog

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cause I didn't go on
Thessaurus.com, yeah?

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But I was still struggling
to find examples

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of what I mean by this
horny type of love.

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I feel like we're still
not on the same page

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[LAUGHTER] with this concept.

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And I didn't find
the perfect example

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until I was back home.

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I was back in Auckland, New
Zealand, where I'm originally
from.

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And... oh, a few
of us, fantastic.

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I was back home. Okay,
now I want to take care

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to say the next bit in the
coolest way I possibly can.

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I was attending a K-pop
convention [LAUGHTER], people.

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Yes, a few ca fans of
K-pop in the crowd.

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If you don't know what
K-pop is fucking sick,

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it's Korean pop music.

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It's so good, go on YouTube
tonight, treat yourself to it.

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Fall down that
rabbit hole, yeah.

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00:08:01,009 --> 00:08:03,120
But what I saw at this
K-pop convention was

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00:08:03,139 --> 00:08:05,009
this dance floor that
was set up in the

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middle of the event
space, right,

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and right next to the dance
floor there was this kind of

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little group of kind of
shy, really reserved

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kind of quiet teenage girls,

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not talking to each other at
all, really meek looking girls.

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And as soon as the loudspeakers
started playing a K-pop song

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that they recognised,
all of them,

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without speaking to each other,

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would stand up, get
onto the dance floor

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00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:29,199
and then perform these
amazingly well rehearsed,

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meticulously choreographed dance
routines to these songs.

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And when I saw that I was like,

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this is what I'm fucking
talking about, okay?

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[LAUGHTER]

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This is horniness right
here, okay. [LAUGHTER]

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00:08:41,049 --> 00:08:43,000
This is girls putting
a hundred percent

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00:08:43,019 --> 00:08:45,070
into something that is
so not worth it, okay?

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00:08:45,090 --> 00:08:46,019
[LAUGHTER]

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00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:48,179
This is what I mean! Yes!

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And obviously that was what
I was feeling in my heart

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00:08:52,029 --> 00:08:54,009
and in my head, clearly
what I didn't realise

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00:08:54,029 --> 00:08:55,220
was you're all virgins
[LAUGHTER] because...

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I wanna add on I call
it like I see it.

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00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:06,190
Bit of a legend. And, also I
have the hindsight of knowing

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00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:09,049
that low self-esteem is actually
an asset to a teenage girl, yes?

235
00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,029
Ooh, that didn't go down
well tonight, that's so

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00:09:13,049 --> 00:09:14,129
[LAUGHTER]

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00:09:14,149 --> 00:09:15,090
Would anyone disagree?

238
00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:16,200
Is that a crazy thing to say?

239
00:09:16,220 --> 00:09:18,110
I'll put it this way,
has anyone recently

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00:09:18,129 --> 00:09:20,009
met a teenager with
high self-esteem?

241
00:09:21,090 --> 00:09:23,190
Has anyone done that? Yeah.

242
00:09:23,210 --> 00:09:26,159
Because, yeah, it's fucked
up, yeah [LAUGHTER].

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00:09:26,179 --> 00:09:29,129
it's disgusting, yeah,
it's against my beliefs

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00:09:29,149 --> 00:09:30,139
and they're dangers
to their communities

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00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,129
and they need to be
stopped [LAUGHTER].

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00:09:35,029 --> 00:09:36,049
I will say this right
here on this stage,

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00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,190
the only two good things,

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00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:40,080
the only two good things
we got out of teens

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00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,019
with high self-esteem,
I'll say it right now,

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00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:45,080
are Malala Yousafzai
[LAUGHTER], okay,

251
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,210
and the Lizzie
McGuire film, okay?

252
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,110
[LAUGHTER]

253
00:09:52,179 --> 00:09:55,120
And please don't clap for the
Lizzie McGuire film [LAUGHTER]

254
00:09:55,139 --> 00:09:56,190
or for Malala Yousafzai.

255
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:03,019
I guess Greta Thunberg,
she's pretty good,

256
00:10:03,039 --> 00:10:04,179
she's a good yeah,
she's a yeah we fa

257
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,000
we love Greta [CHEERING],
oh yeah, we love Greta.

258
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,059
We love calling Greta
just Greta' because

259
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,110
we're all very scared
to say her last name.

260
00:10:11,129 --> 00:10:15,009
And so [LAUGHTER] love Greta
Thunberg, yeah. [LAUGHTER].

261
00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:17,100
I love her, she's awesome.
She's obviously so great.

262
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,070
What I will say [LAUGHTER]...

263
00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:26,039
is... it's very quiet at this
point in show [LAUGHTER]

264
00:10:27,149 --> 00:10:29,129
Nothing bad. I honest .
I love her, obviously.

265
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:36,230
What I will say is that, and I
might sound old-fashioned.

266
00:10:37,009 --> 00:10:41,039
But in my day we called a
nerd a nerd [LAUGHTER]

267
00:10:42,129 --> 00:10:44,139
We called a nerd a
nerd, and it's fine.

268
00:10:46,169 --> 00:10:49,100
You're a fucking little nerd,
okay? And that's okay.

269
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,090
You can be a nerd.
Greta is amazing,

270
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:54,009
but she strikes me as
the type of teenager

271
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,169
who knows a lot about wine,
you know [LAUGHTER].

272
00:10:57,169 --> 00:10:59,090
That's that teenager, you know,

273
00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:01,169
she like brings like a
natural wine to pre drinks

274
00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:02,120
and you're like, hmm,
thanks Greta [LAUGHTER],

275
00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:06,039
put it on the communal table,
this. Pretty cool, right?

276
00:11:10,159 --> 00:11:13,139
I just fundamentally think that
teenagers should not have
personalities, is that crazy?

277
00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:15,110
[LAUGHTER]

278
00:11:15,129 --> 00:11:17,059
I just don't think you should
have you can have interests,
that's fine.

279
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:21,100
I loved Garfield [LAUGHTER]
as a kid, right?

280
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,139
I honestly think it's just
a red flag when parents

281
00:11:23,159 --> 00:11:26,139
introduce their children

282
00:11:26,159 --> 00:11:30,159
with like a very strong
personality identifier, like a
mum's like, this is Caitlyn.

283
00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:32,080
Caitlyn, she's eight years
old, she's very outspoken.

284
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,049
[LAUGHTER]

285
00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:37,029
She's very outspoken.

286
00:11:37,049 --> 00:11:38,210
And she says that because
you're not allowed to

287
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:40,019
call your own daughter a cunt,
ou know what I mean?

288
00:11:40,039 --> 00:11:40,149
[LAUGHTER]

289
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,220
You're not allowed.

290
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,070
It's not okay to use words, you
can have outspoken, you know.

291
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:52,169
But I just think children should
be basic, that's what they
should be. I was basic.

292
00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:56,100
I was basic as fuck as a
teenager. I was a little basic
bitch.

293
00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:01,230
I was proud of it little BB,
little BB. Little BB queen.
Little BB king.

294
00:12:05,169 --> 00:12:11,090
Right, now, [LAUGHTER]

295
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:16,110
Now, what that was, was me
trying to appeal to two very
different sides of the crowd
there

296
00:12:16,129 --> 00:12:21,129
and somehow missing both
[LAUGHTER] alright?

297
00:12:21,149 --> 00:12:25,090
I was basic, though, and that's
fine, I mean, I it wasn't like

298
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:28,059
What's so weird is I feel like
there was an obsession with
girls not being basic

299
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,110
with girls trying to figure out,
young girls trying to figure out

300
00:12:30,129 --> 00:12:33,159
who they were at a really,
really early age.

301
00:12:33,179 --> 00:12:37,129
And my parents they tried
desperately to imbue me with a
sense of personality as a child.

302
00:12:37,149 --> 00:12:40,200
And I knew this because my
mother, in the early 2000s

303
00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:46,039
she almost exclusively only
dressed me in sassy slogan
t-shirts, right [LAUGHTER].

304
00:12:46,059 --> 00:12:49,090
That is all she dressed me in,
and what I think she forgot

305
00:12:49,110 --> 00:12:52,169
and I think a lot of the
designers of those shirts forgot
as well,

306
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:56,000
is that sometimes, sometimes,
a nine-year-old child

307
00:12:56,019 --> 00:12:58,159
does not have the
confidence or the knowledge

308
00:12:58,179 --> 00:13:00,169
to sort of back some of
those slogans up, right?

309
00:13:00,190 --> 00:13:02,149
[LAUGHTER]

310
00:13:02,169 --> 00:13:03,200
Most of them I didn't know
what the fuck they meant.

311
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:06,129
I had one, very simple,
very elegant, one word.

312
00:13:06,149 --> 00:13:08,169
Glittery fog. One word,
it just said, fragile'.

313
00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:09,120
[LAUGHTER]

314
00:13:09,139 --> 00:13:11,159
What does it mean?

315
00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:13,120
'Fragile'.

316
00:13:13,139 --> 00:13:17,039
I had another one, I had another
one, it was very
confrontational.

317
00:13:17,059 --> 00:13:21,059
It said another one said,
Don't bug me!' [LAUGHTER]

318
00:13:23,059 --> 00:13:25,110
Don't bug me, man. Yeah.

319
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:34,070
But, guys, the crazy thing about
this one, right, was that
instead of the word bug'

320
00:13:36,110 --> 00:13:40,009
[LAUGHTER]

321
00:13:40,029 --> 00:13:43,029
they put a picture of a
bug, right? [LAUGHTER]

322
00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:46,090
But they fucked up because
the bug they chose

323
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:49,080
out of any bug you could
choose, was a bee.

324
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:53,100
[LAUGHTER].

325
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:57,200
So, every day I had
nine-year-old boys coming up to
me and being like

326
00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:59,200
Don't be you, who the fuck would
wanna be you, piece of shit?
[LAUGHTER]

327
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:02,090
And I was like, fair enough,
fair enough. Says it on the
t-shirt, right?

328
00:14:05,129 --> 00:14:07,210
I had one I had another one
that my auntie got me, it was
very ahead of its time,

329
00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:10,009
it said, um, uh,
Girls are human too'.

330
00:14:10,029 --> 00:14:11,210
[LAUGHTER]

331
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:19,070
And this was incredible and so
ahead of its time I think
because this was the early
2000s.

332
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:21,100
It was years and years before
Taylor Swift had invented
feminism, you know what I mean?

333
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,049
[LAUGHTER]

334
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,169
It was really ahead of its time.

335
00:14:26,159 --> 00:14:29,169
I still think that there's
something that we I've grown
up, I still think I kind of
withered, though,

336
00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:33,110
I feel like we're sold all these
fucking bullshit slogans that
mean nothing.

337
00:14:33,129 --> 00:14:36,070
I feel like there's a there's a
sense of self-esteem that I want
to

338
00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:38,149
I want to see if you guys know
what I'm talking about here.

339
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:45,179
It's a type of self-esteem I
have started calling adult white
girl self-esteem, okay?

340
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,149
An inaudible hush has descended
upon the audience there
[LAUGHTER].

341
00:14:48,169 --> 00:14:50,000
I feel like that's really my
target demo, uh [LAUGHTER].

342
00:14:53,009 --> 00:14:56,200
Also, I think people get really
itchy when I say that sort of
stuff.

343
00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:59,000
I've got to remind you I am half
white so I'm allowed to say
those sort of things, yeah
[LAUGHTER]

344
00:15:01,169 --> 00:15:04,120
But I'm also half brown as
well, so I can laugh at you

345
00:15:04,139 --> 00:15:06,080
[LAUGHTER] And it's a
gorgeous privilege there.

346
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:11,039
And what I'm talking about,
okay, I'll explain myself

347
00:15:11,059 --> 00:15:13,179
adult white girl self-esteem
is the type of self-esteem

348
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,009
and self-belief that I
felt I feel like is is

349
00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:21,169
it's a commodified sense, a
commercialised sense of
self-esteem and self-belief

350
00:15:21,190 --> 00:15:26,100
largely sold to adult white
women, sometimes appropriating
other cultures along the way.

351
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,039
That's all I'm talking about
when I talk about adult white
girls self-esteem, okay?

352
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,070
And I will move on cause this
bit is not going well
[LAUGHTER].

353
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:38,000
I feel like I'm not I feel like
I always need to defend this
bit.

354
00:15:38,019 --> 00:15:42,159
Okay, what I'll say
is, [LAUGHTER]

355
00:15:42,179 --> 00:15:46,080
And before I say the next bit

356
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:49,159
I want to remind you that I say
it with nothing but love and
light in my heart.

357
00:15:49,179 --> 00:15:52,139
[LAUGHTER]

358
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:56,009
So, if this applies to you,
do not take this personally.

359
00:15:56,029 --> 00:16:01,230
But what I mean by this is that
for instance if you were over
the age of twenty-five years old

360
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:07,090
and you are still
buying notebooks

361
00:16:07,110 --> 00:16:13,190
[LAUGHTER]

362
00:16:13,210 --> 00:16:18,190
from Primeart, yeah, that say
shit on the front of them

363
00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:25,009
like, 'I woke up like this'
[LAUGHTER] like hashtag
flawless, right,

364
00:16:25,029 --> 00:16:27,149
I think what you actually might
be is inherently full of flaws,
yeah.

365
00:16:27,169 --> 00:16:29,049
[LAUGHTER]

366
00:16:29,070 --> 00:16:30,129
Do you know what I'm
talking about here?

367
00:16:30,149 --> 00:16:34,009
These like fucking faux feminist
slogans that we're sold

368
00:16:34,029 --> 00:16:37,230
like they don't even mean
anything, they're just words
next to each other at this point

369
00:16:38,009 --> 00:16:41,009
and just be like, my other
unicorn's a feminist, like
[LAUGHTER] what does it mean?!

370
00:16:41,029 --> 00:16:41,149
[LAUGHTER]

371
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,179
Self-care on
[UNCLEAR], like what?

372
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,100
What are you saying?

373
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,139
What are you actually saying?

374
00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:53,019
I just wanna know, and I
promise I will move on.

375
00:16:53,039 --> 00:17:00,110
But I will say this, who looks
at a fucking pencil case
[LAUGHTER] that says

376
00:17:00,129 --> 00:17:07,000
you're amazeballs' on
it at a time of need

377
00:17:07,019 --> 00:17:14,029
and is genuinely like,
[LAUGHTER] I really needed that
today.

378
00:17:14,049 --> 00:17:15,019
[LAUGHTER]

379
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,059
Get help, seek
professional help instead.

380
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,109
I always feel so
mean saying that.

381
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:27,190
And I don't mean you can have
as much self-esteem as you want
but I just

382
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:30,079
I think there's a limit, I think
there's a limit, honestly,

383
00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:32,150
And I think I've hit the limit,
I found the perfect level of
self-esteem

384
00:17:32,170 --> 00:17:35,049
and that is that
as an adult woman,

385
00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:37,119
and I think some of you might
possess this confidence
yourself.

386
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:43,009
I truly have the belief in
myself, I truly believe that

387
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:51,170
sometimes I can measure a length
between the two tips of my index
fingers

388
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,029
and then travel

389
00:17:56,049 --> 00:17:59,190
[LAUGHTER]

390
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,089
with that measurement to
the other side of a room

391
00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:08,220
and believe that it will
be at all accurate there?

392
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,000
That's all confidence
you ever need, right?

393
00:18:11,019 --> 00:18:13,160
So, um, where was I?

394
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,059
Okay, I was at this K-pop
convention, right?

395
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:19,000
I was at the K-pop convention
obviously being hauled away

396
00:18:19,019 --> 00:18:20,049
by security because of my
comments to these children,
yeah,

397
00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:26,230
and as I was, I was like, Rose,
that is so fucking rich of you
to be yelling

398
00:18:27,009 --> 00:18:28,140
that kind of shit out to those
girls because when you were
their age

399
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,180
you were exactly the
same as them, right?

400
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,210
You were always putting a
hundred percent into things that
were totally not worth it.

401
00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:40,180
And also you were as much of a
fucking little virgin as any one
of those girls on that dance
floor [LAUGHTER], right,

402
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:44,109
because I did not realise to the
extent of which I was truly,
truly a virgin, right,

403
00:18:46,039 --> 00:18:49,130
spiritually and physically,
right [LAUGHTER].

404
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:53,089
I didn't realise this until
very, very recently and that was
very recently

405
00:18:53,109 --> 00:18:56,210
when I became obsessed, and I
think a lot of people in this
country did as well.

406
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:58,130
I got obsessed with Love Island.

407
00:18:58,150 --> 00:19:00,019
[CHEERING]
Any fans?

408
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,230
Yes? Fans in the crowd?

409
00:19:02,009 --> 00:19:03,079
I love it, it, I'm
fucking obsessed.

410
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:04,000
I want to go on it.
I want to go on it.

411
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:07,069
Ooh, and thank you for
your support there.

412
00:19:07,089 --> 00:19:08,180
[LAUGHTER]

413
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,190
That was absolutely damning
there [LAUGHTER], fuck you.

414
00:19:15,089 --> 00:19:19,029
I think I'd be amazing on Love
Island, I honestly, I would be
so good.

415
00:19:19,049 --> 00:19:22,069
But for me, just like ideally
like a few little tweaks to the
format just to like suit my
personality.

416
00:19:22,089 --> 00:19:25,089
So, okay, alright,
hear me out, I will.

417
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:28,180
Okay, so instead of like a villa
in Spain, like they all go to
like South Africa or whatever,

418
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,140
we get to go to like a very old
mansion in the countryside.

419
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:36,000
And then instead of wearing like
misguided like crop tops and
like all the crop tops

420
00:19:36,019 --> 00:19:39,099
and like, you know, little
bikinis, we get to wear like
full sweaters to cover

421
00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:42,029
the mic packs, and [LAUGHTER]
instead of going there to find
love, we're all there to solve

422
00:19:42,049 --> 00:19:43,150
we're all there to solve
a murder. [LAUGHTER]

423
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:52,160
And saying it out loud now, I do
think I'm just describing Cluedo
there. [LAUGHTER]

424
00:19:52,180 --> 00:19:56,079
I just wanna buy Cluedo, this
is a side note, and I will

425
00:19:58,170 --> 00:20:03,180
I will just briefly mention
this, I could always tell as a
teenager which one of my

426
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:07,150
friends was the most sexually
active by which one of them
chose Miss Scarlet [LAUGHTER]

427
00:20:09,220 --> 00:20:12,029
as their character, it'd be like
Cluedo, so every time a friend
would choose her, I'd

428
00:20:12,049 --> 00:20:14,069
I'd be like, the girl's
touched a dick, like

429
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:14,220
[LAUGHTER]

430
00:20:16,029 --> 00:20:17,200
Man respect, man respect.

431
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,029
And I'd be like, Mrs White
for me then [LAUGHTER]

432
00:20:24,170 --> 00:20:27,019
I've never touched a dick myself
[UNCLEAR] out of that.

433
00:20:30,049 --> 00:20:34,170
But so we got obsessed with
Love Island in our household and
what we did was we figured

434
00:20:34,190 --> 00:20:37,109
out our love statistics
of our life time.

435
00:20:37,130 --> 00:20:40,190
So, I figured out people, I
figured out from the beginning

436
00:20:40,210 --> 00:20:43,160
all the way from zero,
all the way to the end.

437
00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:48,230
Now, I had kissed nine people in
my entire life and I thought
that was actually an entirely

438
00:20:49,009 --> 00:20:53,220
average amount until I asked one
other person, okay, [LAUGHTER]
turns out that's pretty

439
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,220
fucking low, right, especially
considering the fact that I had
literally never rejected

440
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:04,000
anyone in my life,
right, [LAUGHTER], ever.

441
00:21:04,019 --> 00:21:07,000
I run a very open home policy
when it comes to that sort of
stuff.

442
00:21:07,019 --> 00:21:09,170
Come on in, choose one, choose
all, it's all fine, it's fine.

443
00:21:09,190 --> 00:21:14,170
And it's crazy, I kissed nine
men in my life, right, and I
honestly think

444
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:20,059
that subconsciously there I am
holding out at single digits
with men because I think

445
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,220
once I hit double digits it does
mean that I am definitely
straight

446
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,190
and I am not ready
for that [LAUGHTER].

447
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:32,059
Not my future, not my president,
yeah, that's a horrible thing to
sign up for, right,

448
00:21:32,079 --> 00:21:36,130
because it's the worst
of all of them.

449
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:38,039
[LAUGHTER]

450
00:21:40,059 --> 00:21:41,190
If that makes sense, right?

451
00:21:41,210 --> 00:21:45,130
It's the worst sexuality
gender combination.

452
00:21:45,150 --> 00:21:47,049
I know it's very un-PC
to rank them, right?

453
00:21:47,069 --> 00:21:48,079
[LAUGHTER]

454
00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:51,180
But it is at the bottom, it's,
it's worse than being a straight
man

455
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,089
if you actually think
about it, right?

456
00:21:53,109 --> 00:21:54,220
Yeah, I said it [LAUGHTER].

457
00:21:56,170 --> 00:22:01,009
But what it means is that given
all of the options in the world

458
00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:03,150
for any sexual
partner we desire,

459
00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:08,089
we still went with fucking
dudes, like what is going
through my mind?

460
00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:10,190
What kind of poor
decision-making skills

461
00:22:10,210 --> 00:22:13,180
does that reflect upon our
community, especially at a time
like this?

462
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,160
Holy shit! [LAUGHTER]

463
00:22:16,190 --> 00:22:18,130
Tough time to be a straight
woman, I'll say that much
[LAUGHTER].

464
00:22:19,049 --> 00:22:20,009
Oh my God.

465
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:25,130
So, I've got a lot of straight
male friends, yeah, because I am
an ally [LAUGHTER].

466
00:22:29,039 --> 00:22:34,130
And they say, they're like,
Rose, it's a tough time to be a
decent man.

467
00:22:34,150 --> 00:22:37,130
Yeah, do you know, yeah, you
know what's a little bit harder,
is trying to be

468
00:22:37,150 --> 00:22:40,170
a straight woman at
a time like this

469
00:22:40,190 --> 00:22:44,150
given what we know about
you now, okay, [LAUGHTER].

470
00:22:44,170 --> 00:22:48,019
And the only accurate way I've
come to describing what that
truly feels like,

471
00:22:48,039 --> 00:22:53,069
to be a straight woman at times
like these, is it almost feels
like trying to recommend

472
00:22:53,089 --> 00:22:56,039
a restaurant that has given you
food poisoning eight times, okay
[LAUGHTER].

473
00:22:58,130 --> 00:23:00,200
That's truly what it feels like,
you tell your friends to go,
you're like, no, no, no

474
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:04,000
just go, just go, don't go
online, don't read the reviews,
don't read that,

475
00:23:04,019 --> 00:23:05,000
Don't go on Yelp, that's fine,
that's fine, not all
restaurants, yeah, not all
restaurants, yeah?

476
00:23:06,170 --> 00:23:08,019
They're good, they're
really good, trust me.

477
00:23:08,039 --> 00:23:11,130
And I but I still love men, I
love to kiss them, [LAUGHTER] I

478
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,150
I do, and I don't
even think it's...

479
00:23:16,170 --> 00:23:18,190
I don't even think it's
necessarily the fact that I like
men,

480
00:23:18,210 --> 00:23:22,069
I think it's the type of men
I traditionally go for.

481
00:23:22,089 --> 00:23:25,130
An it's a very specific type, I
don't know if you ha yeah, I
think you have them

482
00:23:25,150 --> 00:23:28,099
in the UK, we definitely have
them in New Zealand, total
fucking nightmares.

483
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,049
Do you have [LAUGHTER] that
strain up here as well?

484
00:23:32,009 --> 00:23:33,119
And it's my type on paper, my T
on P, I go towards that
[LAUGHTER].

485
00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:40,079
And, I don't know, I'm just so
easily forgiving of men, and
also on the flip side,

486
00:23:40,099 --> 00:23:44,059
I'm so easily impressed by men
as well, that is my problem.

487
00:23:44,079 --> 00:23:51,130
Oh my God, if a man can show a
moderate level of skill in
literally anything,

488
00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:55,200
fucking sign me up,
[LAUGHTER] honest to God.

489
00:23:55,220 --> 00:24:03,190
I feel like a man if I see like
a man leaf-blowing, [LAUGHTER]
if the man like knows like the
right

490
00:24:03,210 --> 00:24:07,089
oil that has like a low smoke
point to cook a steak, what,
what...

491
00:24:07,109 --> 00:24:13,059
If a man can fold a fitted
bedsheet [LAUGHTER] bellissimo,
yeah.

492
00:24:15,190 --> 00:24:18,210
I genuinely think that men with
this shit together could be
quite a popular porn category.

493
00:24:18,230 --> 00:24:23,130
That would be [LAUGHTER] insane.

494
00:24:23,150 --> 00:24:25,019
I met a guy the other day
who could drive a boat.

495
00:24:25,039 --> 00:24:28,109
I'm sorry, what? [LAUGHTER]

496
00:24:28,130 --> 00:24:29,130
What the fuck are
you talking about?

497
00:24:29,150 --> 00:24:32,009
That is the coolest thing ever.

498
00:24:32,029 --> 00:24:37,170
It was like, I tell you what,
his name was Calum, let's call
Calum [LAUGHTER]

499
00:24:37,190 --> 00:24:40,029
But his name might not
be Calum [LAUGHTER].

500
00:24:40,190 --> 00:24:42,210
And he shit.

501
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:43,029
Shit.

502
00:24:45,019 --> 00:24:47,220
And he was I don't want to say
ugly, that's a very, that's a
very

503
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:51,109
[LAUGHTER] that's a
very strong word.

504
00:24:51,130 --> 00:24:51,160
It's hard to describe
what he looked like.

505
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:59,069
Do you know that do you know
that bit in an apricot that goes
in? [LAUGHTER]

506
00:24:59,089 --> 00:25:02,069
Do you know that little bit,
that little divot, that little ?

507
00:25:02,089 --> 00:25:05,089
That times two were
his eye sockets, okay.

508
00:25:05,109 --> 00:25:09,009
[LAUGHTER] Little wrap-around
pair of Dirty Dogs covering that
shit up.

509
00:25:09,029 --> 00:25:13,160
His face was symmetrical but
in a bad way, yeah [LAUGHTER].

510
00:25:15,190 --> 00:25:20,099
So, he wasn't like my type but
by the end of that hour long
boat ride

511
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,089
I wanted to fuck Calum,
okay [LAUGHTER].

512
00:25:23,109 --> 00:25:25,140
Because if he can drive one it's
the sexiest thing I could ima

513
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,029
Can anyone drive a boat
in the crowd tonight?

514
00:25:28,049 --> 00:25:29,200
Okay [LAUGHTER].

515
00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:31,180
Classy.

516
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:35,200
That's fucking bullshit cause
there's like three hundred
people in here.

517
00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:40,089
I'm waiting for the day where I
ask that and I just see like a
captain in the crowd

518
00:25:40,109 --> 00:25:45,089
slowly take off his own hat
[LAUGHTER], put it under his
seat.

519
00:25:45,109 --> 00:25:47,200
I want no part of this, you
dirty girl [LAUGHTER].

520
00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:49,039
He'd be right to.

521
00:25:49,059 --> 00:25:51,210
I'd be after him, right, because
if you can drive a boat

522
00:25:51,230 --> 00:25:54,039
I don't care what you look like,
I don't care who you are.

523
00:25:54,059 --> 00:25:58,130
You can have kidnapped me,
you could have kidnapped me

524
00:25:58,150 --> 00:26:04,029
and you're driving me to the
middle of a lake to dump my body

525
00:26:04,049 --> 00:26:07,140
if you're driving the boat I'm
still gonna get some vibes
going.

526
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:08,069
You know what I mean?

527
00:26:08,089 --> 00:26:10,200
[LAUGHTER] Like

528
00:26:10,220 --> 00:26:11,079
I'd be like, so, do you own the
boat or is it like a shared
thing with friends or...?

529
00:26:14,109 --> 00:26:16,049
I love it, love these cushions,
vinyl, wipe down easy, that's
great, that's great.

530
00:26:16,069 --> 00:26:19,160
[LAUGHTER] That's what you do.

531
00:26:19,180 --> 00:26:22,000
Do you have a Bluetooth
speaker or ?

532
00:26:22,019 --> 00:26:23,009
It's horrible, like I'm a flu

533
00:26:23,029 --> 00:26:24,079
I'm a floos [LAUGHTER].

534
00:26:25,220 --> 00:26:28,049
No one said that word for
twenty years [LAUGHTER].

535
00:26:30,109 --> 00:26:32,200
But it's the most accurate
description, I'm such a floos.

536
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:35,180
I've got such an obsessive
energy when it comes to guys I
think.

537
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,200
And I don't know
where it comes from.

538
00:26:38,220 --> 00:26:42,230
But I can pinpoint when these
feelings started I think, and I
feel like all these obsessive

539
00:26:43,009 --> 00:26:46,079
feelings about guys and even
just obsessive feelings in
general I can pinpoint

540
00:26:46,099 --> 00:26:50,000
those started around the ages of
like ten or eleven for me.

541
00:26:50,019 --> 00:26:53,119
And I was writing the show,
obviously the penny dropped,
obviously that coincides with

542
00:26:53,140 --> 00:26:57,210
another huge moment in my life,
which was for me the beginning
of puberty, right.

543
00:26:57,230 --> 00:27:01,160
So obviously there was a
connection between these
obsessive feelings and, you know

544
00:27:01,180 --> 00:27:04,029
starting that journey of
discovering one's sexuality,
right?

545
00:27:04,049 --> 00:27:07,170
So, I want to do this thing.

546
00:27:07,190 --> 00:27:10,220
I think you guys will be up for
it, I want to take us back in
time.

547
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,200
I want to take us on a little
time travel trip, if that is
okay with you guys?

548
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:20,150
I'm gonna take you back to the
ancient year of 2005, okay.

549
00:27:20,170 --> 00:27:25,160
We've got a few visual aids
here for you [LAUGHTER].

550
00:27:25,180 --> 00:27:30,009
And also we've got some audio
kind of, to kind of key you back
into 2005, alright?

551
00:27:30,029 --> 00:27:32,000
[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]
2005, are we there?

552
00:27:32,019 --> 00:27:32,119
Are we there?

553
00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:34,099
Alright.

554
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:39,140
2005, the OC makes its broadcast
premiere on New Zealand
television

555
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,019
the very same year I get my
first period, coincidence?

556
00:27:42,039 --> 00:27:45,210
Hell no! [LAUGHTER]

557
00:27:45,230 --> 00:27:49,140
I got my first period at a
school camp, of all places, I
remember my friend

558
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,109
Sophie Smith was standing
outside the toilet cubicle when
it happened, I started crying

559
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:57,089
and she started laughing because
she thought I was doing a
hilarious gag.

560
00:27:57,109 --> 00:28:00,170
So, not only a big day for me
where I became a woman, but also
a crack-up entertainer.

561
00:28:00,190 --> 00:28:03,180
Uh, [LAUGHTER] first gag, right.

562
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:07,109
And it was such an interesting
time to kind of start this
journey because 2005

563
00:28:07,130 --> 00:28:10,109
it was the era of which I can
only accurately describe to you
guys

564
00:28:10,130 --> 00:28:14,220
as the era of the
early 2000s Internet.

565
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,049
Does anyone remember the
early 2000s Internet?

566
00:28:18,069 --> 00:28:20,099
Yes, a murmur of
recognition there.

567
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:24,130
Oh my God, do you remember it
was fucking crazy, okay
[LAUGHTER].

568
00:28:24,150 --> 00:28:28,019
It was entirely
unsupervised, wasn't it?

569
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:31,079
Our parents didn't know what the
fuck we were up to on the
internet.

570
00:28:31,099 --> 00:28:33,190
It was like the wild, wild
west out there [LAUGHTER]

571
00:28:33,210 --> 00:28:36,119
We could do whatever
the fuck we wanted to

572
00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:39,150
as long as our parents didn't
need to use the phone,
[LAUGHTER] it was okay then.

573
00:28:41,069 --> 00:28:41,210
It was nuts.

574
00:28:43,079 --> 00:28:45,119
I thought it was a mad shit,
I invented the dark web.

575
00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:48,059
I invented the dark
web [LAUGHTER],

576
00:28:48,079 --> 00:28:52,119
That was me, it was an accident,
I started a guild on Neopets
[LAUGHTER]

577
00:28:52,140 --> 00:28:54,069
and then everybody
just kept joining.

578
00:28:54,089 --> 00:28:59,029
I was like, oh, this is the dark
web now, that's [LAUGHTER]

579
00:28:59,049 --> 00:29:04,059
And when I was a teenager, I
think deeper into the 2000s it
was an even more specific,

580
00:29:04,079 --> 00:29:07,230
period of time where I think
technologically two generations

581
00:29:08,009 --> 00:29:10,109
were very much
overlapping each other.

582
00:29:10,130 --> 00:29:14,039
So, for a brief moment in the
2000s, I don't know if anyone
remembers this

583
00:29:14,059 --> 00:29:19,079
there was one year where we all
owned mobile phones, yeah.

584
00:29:19,099 --> 00:29:22,000
But we all still owned
digital cameras as well.

585
00:29:22,019 --> 00:29:23,009
[LAUGHTER]

586
00:29:23,029 --> 00:29:24,160
Do you remember that one year?

587
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:26,000
I was all over that shit as
well, I was all over it.

588
00:29:26,019 --> 00:29:30,220
[MUSIC PLAYS]

589
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:31,210
Kercha!

590
00:29:33,230 --> 00:29:34,150
Yes!

591
00:29:39,109 --> 00:29:40,230
So, that was me.

592
00:29:44,140 --> 00:29:49,160
I was, a horny teenager with
access to the early unsupervised
Internet

593
00:29:49,180 --> 00:29:52,039
The world was my oyster.

594
00:29:52,059 --> 00:29:59,049
The only problem was that boys
did not like me [LAUGHTER].

595
00:29:59,069 --> 00:30:01,210
I really had to sing that to get
the pain of the statement,
right.

596
00:30:01,230 --> 00:30:03,160
And, it's true, boys
just did not like me.

597
00:30:03,180 --> 00:30:04,109
I was into

598
00:30:04,130 --> 00:30:06,099
I was very unpopular with boys.

599
00:30:06,119 --> 00:30:08,190
I think it was because
of a number of reasons.

600
00:30:08,210 --> 00:30:13,170
I had curly hair, I had curly
hair as a teenager, still do
[LAUGHTER]

601
00:30:13,190 --> 00:30:18,029
But it was a problem because I
think at the time in the 2000s
like sleek

602
00:30:18,049 --> 00:30:21,009
really straight hair was kind of
the fashion, and it really it
kind of makes me happy

603
00:30:21,029 --> 00:30:23,230
because I think now curly hair
is having a real resurgence.

604
00:30:24,009 --> 00:30:25,210
Everyone's very positive about
curly hair, it's fantastic.

605
00:30:25,230 --> 00:30:27,220
Yeah, it's fantastic.
[CHEERING]

606
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,140
But okay, that might come from
someone who has curly hair
themselves, right?

607
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:37,039
[LAUGHTER] I wanna know, I still
feel like, as a curly-haired
person in this era,

608
00:30:37,059 --> 00:30:42,019
I feel like there's an air of
condescension behind some of the
compliments you get for your
curly hair.

609
00:30:42,039 --> 00:30:43,180
There always is, because
it always comes from

610
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,180
someone who does not possess
curly hair themselves, okay.

611
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,180
So it'd always be like a
middle-aged woman who's like,
Rose, oh, my God, I lo

612
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,180
I love your curls, I love
your curls [LAUGHTER].

613
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:58,009
Ooh, they look gorgeous and you
know what you are so brave, you
are so brave.

614
00:30:58,029 --> 00:30:59,230
It takes guts to do what you do.

615
00:31:00,009 --> 00:31:01,130
Yeah, and I'm like, it takes
guts to do what?

616
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:03,000
And they're like, you
know, argh! [LAUGHTER]

617
00:31:03,019 --> 00:31:05,000
Argh, be ugly.

618
00:31:05,019 --> 00:31:08,019
Uh, [LAUGHTER] you go,
you go, girlfriend.

619
00:31:08,039 --> 00:31:11,059
And I think it was the curly
hair, it was also like as a
teenager

620
00:31:11,079 --> 00:31:15,059
I so I had flat feet as a
teenager, it was that, it was
that

621
00:31:15,079 --> 00:31:15,089
and nothing to do with my
personality, okay [LAUGHTER].

622
00:31:19,009 --> 00:31:21,170
I have genetically flat feet as
well, I don't know if anyone
else has that.

623
00:31:21,190 --> 00:31:22,220
It's horrible.

624
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,029
I've had that since birth.

625
00:31:26,049 --> 00:31:28,220
But that wasn't something my
parents cared to fill me in on,
right?

626
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:33,230
I had to find out that I have
completely flat feet at school,

627
00:31:34,009 --> 00:31:36,130
getting out of the
school swimming pool,

628
00:31:36,150 --> 00:31:40,069
walking to the girls changing
rooms and just hearing one girls
scream

629
00:31:40,089 --> 00:31:43,160
whose footprints are
those?! [LAUGHTER]

630
00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:50,130
So that was chill, that
was chill as hell, right.

631
00:31:50,150 --> 00:31:51,079
What?

632
00:31:55,190 --> 00:31:58,170
I will say this, I had a really,
as a teenager I had a really bad
case

633
00:31:58,190 --> 00:32:02,119
of resting bitchface
as a teenage girl,

634
00:32:02,140 --> 00:32:07,059
and I wasn't even using that
term as an adult because
obviously it's a horrible term

635
00:32:07,079 --> 00:32:11,119
because it's inherently
gendered, right, people only
describe women as having

636
00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:14,099
resting bitchface because people
only describe women as being
bitches.

637
00:32:14,119 --> 00:32:16,160
Nobody describes a
man as being a bitch

638
00:32:16,180 --> 00:32:18,089
no matter how hard I try to get
that off the ground, okay
[LAUGHTER].

639
00:32:19,180 --> 00:32:22,170
Call a man a bitch tonight
alright, start some shit.

640
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:25,109
But it's rooted in this fucked
up expectation that women should
always be

641
00:32:25,130 --> 00:32:29,130
smiling and laughing and looking
approachable to men.

642
00:32:29,150 --> 00:32:34,039
But for men, the exact opposite
is true because resting
bitchface, that's your default
face, fellas.

643
00:32:34,059 --> 00:32:35,210
I hate to tell you,
right [LAUGHTER].

644
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:42,130
But and I hate the double
standard of that, but part of
me, honestly part of me deep
down

645
00:32:42,150 --> 00:32:47,180
is kind of okay with it because
I do prefer it to the
alternative because I think we
can

646
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:52,150
all agree that there is nothing
more terrifying than a man who
is constantly smiling, okay,
fellas.

647
00:32:52,170 --> 00:32:55,049
[LAUGHTER] Far more
disconcerting.

648
00:32:55,069 --> 00:32:58,000
When I see a man who's always
smiling I get the same feeling
in the pit of my stomach

649
00:32:58,019 --> 00:33:02,089
I feel when I see a dolphin
smile [LAUGHTER], I don't know
if anyone else has seen one.

650
00:33:02,109 --> 00:33:03,170
Has anyone seen a
dolphin smile recently?

651
00:33:03,190 --> 00:33:05,200
It's fucking terrifying, okay.

652
00:33:05,220 --> 00:33:07,150
I don't trust anything
where you can see

653
00:33:07,170 --> 00:33:10,000
all of its teeth at the same
time when it smiles, right, it's
horrible.

654
00:33:10,019 --> 00:33:16,059
[MUSIC PLAYS] It's

655
00:33:23,049 --> 00:33:29,019
I mean, that took four hours to
edit [LAUGHTER], worth it?

656
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:29,220
No.

657
00:33:33,039 --> 00:33:37,059
Sweet, that's what I thought it
was, the curly hair and the flat
feet

658
00:33:37,079 --> 00:33:41,000
and the resting bitchface, that
meant that didn't have a
boyfriend as a teenager.

659
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:46,140
That was until my friends from
school came and saw this show
and they were like, Rose,

660
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,230
I don't know if it was like the
curly hair or the flat feet, I
think it was the

661
00:33:50,009 --> 00:33:56,130
fact that you brought a leather
briefcase to school [LAUGHTER]
every day for four years.

662
00:33:58,190 --> 00:33:59,170
And I was like, I don't see
the connection there, like

663
00:33:59,190 --> 00:34:02,119
[LAUGHTER]

664
00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:05,220
I had one ace up my sleeve
though, with boys, impressing
boys as a teenage girl

665
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:10,119
and that was when I was a big
movie fan, I was a big film nerd
as a teenage girl

666
00:34:10,139 --> 00:34:14,030
and I'll tell you this for free,
what is so true is that teenage
boys

667
00:34:14,050 --> 00:34:18,050
are fucking thick as
shit, right [LAUGHTER].

668
00:34:18,070 --> 00:34:24,000
And they are so easily impressed
by any teenage girl who knows
literally anything about any

669
00:34:24,019 --> 00:34:28,210
film ever made, or like any like
album ever created, because
they're, they're dumbasses

670
00:34:28,230 --> 00:34:33,199
and they almost think that you
grew up in like an alternate
universe where you

671
00:34:33,219 --> 00:34:38,159
didn't ingest all the same
fucking pop culture that they
did, like as a teenage girl.

672
00:34:38,179 --> 00:34:41,190
So I'd always have the same boys
all the time, they'd always come
up to me

673
00:34:41,210 --> 00:34:47,219
and be like, wait, wait, Rose,
are you are you telling me
you've Memento?

674
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,000
[LAUGHTER]

675
00:34:50,019 --> 00:34:50,159
Did you get it?

676
00:34:50,179 --> 00:34:51,090
Did you get it, though?

677
00:34:51,110 --> 00:34:53,090
Did you get it?

678
00:34:53,110 --> 00:34:55,139
And the problem is it was the
only attention I ever got from
boys

679
00:34:55,159 --> 00:34:57,130
I fucking lapped that shit up.

680
00:34:57,150 --> 00:35:00,210
I'd be like, yeah, I have, I
guess I'm not like other girls.

681
00:35:00,230 --> 00:35:02,099
[LAUGHTER].

682
00:35:02,119 --> 00:35:05,050
Just so bad, right.

683
00:35:05,070 --> 00:35:08,170
That is a real tip to any young
girls out there, always say that

684
00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:11,219
youre not like other girls,
because other girls are pieces
of shit,

685
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,199
and it's healthy to foster a
sense of distrust within your
community, okay.

686
00:35:13,219 --> 00:35:15,039
[LAUGHTER]

687
00:35:15,059 --> 00:35:15,210
A Cosmo tip for you there.

688
00:35:18,219 --> 00:35:22,010
The raunchiest thing I ever got
literally online, I will tell
you this, is,

689
00:35:22,030 --> 00:35:25,150
this is entirely true, when
I was fourteen years old,

690
00:35:25,170 --> 00:35:28,119
I got kicked off a friend's
Ferdinand message board

691
00:35:28,139 --> 00:35:29,210
[LAUGHTER]

692
00:35:31,139 --> 00:35:32,050
Do you remember Franz
Ferdinand? Yes?

693
00:35:32,070 --> 00:35:34,170
[LAUGHTER] Okay.

694
00:35:34,190 --> 00:35:39,010
I got kicked a friend's
Ferdinand message board because
in the forum I posted a post

695
00:35:39,030 --> 00:35:43,090
saying that I wanted to marry
the lead singer, Alex Kapranos,

696
00:35:43,110 --> 00:35:46,090
and the moderator
kicked me off because

697
00:35:46,110 --> 00:35:48,170
he said it was inappropriate
talk for the forum.

698
00:35:49,119 --> 00:35:53,079
Oooh! [LAUGHTER]

699
00:35:53,099 --> 00:35:56,159
Oh, how I wish I could show that
moderator what the Internet has
become.

700
00:35:56,179 --> 00:35:59,170
[LAUGHTER]

701
00:35:59,190 --> 00:36:03,110
I can watch porn in a library
[LAUGHTER], and I do!

702
00:36:05,150 --> 00:36:07,150
No, that's a joke, the
wi-fi's very weak.

703
00:36:07,170 --> 00:36:11,190
Uh [LAUGHTER] and I that's
actually something I wish, so as
a teenager

704
00:36:11,210 --> 00:36:15,030
I actually never watched porn,
like right, I never touched the
stuff.

705
00:36:15,050 --> 00:36:19,000
You'd think that would be the
first thing horny teenager with
access to the Internet

706
00:36:19,019 --> 00:36:21,010
would run towards, but I never
did, and part of me regrets that
in a way because I feel like...

707
00:36:23,079 --> 00:36:26,059
I feel like if I had I think I
would have had a chance of like,
like maybe like

708
00:36:26,079 --> 00:36:29,119
masturbating at an
earlier age, right.

709
00:36:29,139 --> 00:36:31,179
And that's it's always, all
hap it's all coming out now,
that's

710
00:36:31,199 --> 00:36:34,059
[LAUGHTER]

711
00:36:34,079 --> 00:36:40,110
But what I mean is that I so I
didn't masturbate till I was
eighteen years old

712
00:36:42,050 --> 00:36:43,000
Yeah, you're right to
gasp, but [LAUGHTER] .

713
00:36:44,110 --> 00:36:45,050
Eightee eighteen!

714
00:36:46,199 --> 00:36:49,119
Eighteen years old!

715
00:36:50,079 --> 00:36:51,110
Legal age.

716
00:36:51,130 --> 00:36:51,199
Legal age, [LAUGHTER] yeah.

717
00:36:53,010 --> 00:36:53,199
I respect myself.

718
00:36:55,090 --> 00:36:55,219
Eighteen.

719
00:36:57,199 --> 00:37:01,150
The closest thing I ever got to
it was a fucking accident, okay.

720
00:37:01,170 --> 00:37:04,230
That sounds more sinister
than the story. [LAUGHTER]

721
00:37:05,010 --> 00:37:07,050
It was an accident, and I
remember it so clearly

722
00:37:07,070 --> 00:37:09,150
because it was when I
was thirteen years old.

723
00:37:09,170 --> 00:37:12,150
I was walking into my bedroom
and I wasn't looking where I was
going.

724
00:37:12,170 --> 00:37:14,090
[LAUGHTER]

725
00:37:18,039 --> 00:37:24,050
And I bumped into a set of
drawers that were at exact
crotch height.

726
00:37:26,179 --> 00:37:29,210
And I remember bumping into
them softly, walking away.

727
00:37:29,230 --> 00:37:32,030
And just being like, why did
that feel so fucking good,
right?

728
00:37:32,050 --> 00:37:34,130
[LAUGHTER] I did
a spin, I think

729
00:37:34,150 --> 00:37:36,210
I think I'm gonna sha
moan as well, it was crazy.

730
00:37:39,130 --> 00:37:43,000
But it's like as a kid I didn't
understand what the connection
was between those feelings

731
00:37:43,019 --> 00:37:45,230
and what had happened,
right, because I think

732
00:37:46,010 --> 00:37:49,039
I think teenage girls in my
generation or maybe where I grew
up

733
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,079
we were never explicitly
taught how to masturbate,

734
00:37:52,099 --> 00:37:54,079
or even encouraged how to ma
like, you know,

735
00:37:54,099 --> 00:37:57,000
to masturbate or to
explore that, right.

736
00:37:57,019 --> 00:37:59,190
Like that was a big word to get
around it, I think there was
always vague words

737
00:37:59,210 --> 00:38:03,079
like just explore, just explore,
just explore, girls.

738
00:38:03,099 --> 00:38:06,099
Just it's fucking
vague, isn't it?

739
00:38:06,119 --> 00:38:11,110
Just explore your bodies, girls,
just explore, explore your
bodies, like, you know

740
00:38:11,130 --> 00:38:16,150
with old lantern, you know, like
[LAUGHTER] with an old stick and
a hat,

741
00:38:16,170 --> 00:38:20,079
Yeah. You're in the
unknown, right?

742
00:38:20,099 --> 00:38:22,130
I've been exploring this
cavernous pussy for twenty years
[LAUGHTER]

743
00:38:24,090 --> 00:38:25,199
Still haven't found
my own clitoris.

744
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:28,039
Marco? [LAUGHTER]

745
00:38:32,010 --> 00:38:33,130
And also when it comes
to that stuff, I don't

746
00:38:33,150 --> 00:38:35,079
I'm so bad at it.

747
00:38:35,099 --> 00:38:36,150
I am so bad at it.

748
00:38:36,170 --> 00:38:37,130
I do

749
00:38:37,150 --> 00:38:40,179
I like I, this is tec

750
00:38:40,199 --> 00:38:43,190
I know what to do technically,
yes, [LAUGHTER] don't give me
that, right.

751
00:38:45,210 --> 00:38:50,170
I technically know what to do,
but my problem is that I get so
easily distracted

752
00:38:50,190 --> 00:38:54,030
when I'm on my way to doing it,
that is my main problem.

753
00:38:54,050 --> 00:38:55,219
I'll just be like, so like yes,
let's do it, tonight's the
night, whoa.

754
00:38:57,159 --> 00:38:59,019
It's on.

755
00:38:59,039 --> 00:39:00,210
I'm not saying anything,
if you wanna [LAUGHTER]

756
00:39:00,230 --> 00:39:06,030
Look in the mirror, it's gonna
happen, [LAUGHTER] alright.

757
00:39:06,050 --> 00:39:08,079
And I'll be on my way to doing
it, and then suddenly just like
a random thought

758
00:39:08,099 --> 00:39:10,190
will just pop into my
head, so I'll be re

759
00:39:10,210 --> 00:39:13,019
I'll be there, ready, about to
do it and then suddenly I'll
just be like

760
00:39:13,039 --> 00:39:15,190
what ever happened
to Keane? [LAUGHTER]

761
00:39:16,179 --> 00:39:17,219
Remember Keane?

762
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:21,010
Then I'll start
googling Keane, right.

763
00:39:21,030 --> 00:39:23,000
Then I'll start seeing when
their summer tour dates are and
shit.

764
00:39:23,019 --> 00:39:25,179
Then I'll try and go
back to having a wank.

765
00:39:25,199 --> 00:39:29,039
Do you know how hard
it is to have a wank

766
00:39:29,059 --> 00:39:31,059
when you're still
thinking about Keane?

767
00:39:31,079 --> 00:39:32,119
It's incredibly hard.

768
00:39:32,139 --> 00:39:43,039
[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]

769
00:39:47,030 --> 00:39:49,090
Also, I know that's not
how you do it [LAUGHTER].

770
00:39:52,130 --> 00:39:54,099
Just a light tap, yeah, light
tap over denim, you know, no,
I'm done [LAUGHTER].

771
00:39:58,059 --> 00:39:58,159
That's good for me, right.

772
00:40:00,159 --> 00:40:01,059
A light tap over denim.

773
00:40:04,170 --> 00:40:09,119
So, I guess what I'm trying to
say is that I think there is
just a fundamental difference

774
00:40:09,139 --> 00:40:13,050
when it came to horniness as a
teenage girl compared to being a
teenage boy, right?

775
00:40:13,070 --> 00:40:17,090
I just think it was just
inherently different, I think if
you happen to have

776
00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:23,099
a thing, yeah, and it's there
and it is jutting out and is
[LAUGHTER].

777
00:40:23,119 --> 00:40:26,010
and you do stuff to it
and the stuff escapes

778
00:40:30,019 --> 00:40:34,070
I have had sex before, I do
wanna just reiterate that.

779
00:40:34,090 --> 00:40:38,050
But that is a more
straightforward solve to
feelings of horniness, right.

780
00:40:38,070 --> 00:40:41,039
But I feel like with girls
sometimes it's like a lot more
complicated.

781
00:40:41,059 --> 00:40:44,119
It's like emotionally
complex horniness, right.

782
00:40:44,139 --> 00:40:49,039
Like, like for instance when I
was a teenage girl and I had a
crush on a teenage boy

783
00:40:49,059 --> 00:40:52,159
I didn't imagine what
his dick looked like.

784
00:40:52,179 --> 00:40:56,039
I made a fucking collage, you
know what I mean [LAUGHTER],
like okay,

785
00:40:56,059 --> 00:40:57,150
what are these feelings, right?

786
00:40:59,219 --> 00:41:05,030
Okay, so I got to the age of
eighteen years old and I finally
achieved what I think I'd been

787
00:41:05,050 --> 00:41:08,079
yearning for all throughout my
teenage years was that I finally
got a boyfriend, yes,

788
00:41:08,099 --> 00:41:10,079
ooh, yes, urgh.

789
00:41:10,099 --> 00:41:13,110
Thanks, oh, do not whoop
just yet, okay [LAUGHTER].

790
00:41:13,130 --> 00:41:15,050
Cause what that started,
unbeknownst to me,

791
00:41:15,070 --> 00:41:17,179
was this almost this domino
effect of back-to-back

792
00:41:17,199 --> 00:41:20,090
long-term relationships with
not many gaps in between,

793
00:41:20,110 --> 00:41:22,159
between the ages of
eighteen to twenty-five.

794
00:41:22,179 --> 00:41:25,210
I told you I fucking go
hard or I go home, yeah.

795
00:41:25,230 --> 00:41:30,170
Another true thing about me is
that out of the last five people
I have kissed,

796
00:41:30,190 --> 00:41:33,099
I have then entered
relationships with four of those
people

797
00:41:33,119 --> 00:41:34,210
cause I am not smart [LAUGHTER].

798
00:41:37,099 --> 00:41:39,010
And that's what I do,
I just throw myself

799
00:41:39,030 --> 00:41:42,079
head first into these situations
into relationships,

800
00:41:42,099 --> 00:41:45,019
and my friends they think they
know me better than me.

801
00:41:45,039 --> 00:41:47,139
They're like, Rose, you know
what your problem is, what your
problem is,

802
00:41:47,159 --> 00:41:50,079
is that you're scared of being
alone, it's cause you're scared
of being alone.

803
00:41:50,099 --> 00:41:52,170
And what's very interesting is
that it's actually not that.

804
00:41:52,190 --> 00:41:55,159
What it actually is, is it's
actually something different

805
00:41:55,179 --> 00:42:00,050
that I can't quite
pinpoint right now.

806
00:42:00,070 --> 00:42:03,210
But there is something there,
and maybe I'll explore that
another day

807
00:42:03,230 --> 00:42:05,010
in another show, but it is
actually quite personal, so
don't

808
00:42:05,030 --> 00:42:05,070
stop asking questions
about it. [LAUGHTER]

809
00:42:07,130 --> 00:42:07,190
That's obviously a joke.

810
00:42:10,119 --> 00:42:14,019
I am obviously self-aware enough
to know, you know what it is.

811
00:42:14,039 --> 00:42:16,219
But sometimes it's hard to put
into examples that are quite
relatable to people.

812
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,150
So I will, I'll give it a go,
what I'm trying to

813
00:42:19,170 --> 00:42:24,019
I guess what I'm trying to say
is, do you know that feeling
when you

814
00:42:24,039 --> 00:42:27,059
love someone so much, but you
know that you can't be with that
person

815
00:42:27,079 --> 00:42:29,150
but you know that that love for
that person can't just disappear

816
00:42:29,170 --> 00:42:32,079
it can't just like
evaporate from your body.

817
00:42:32,099 --> 00:42:35,070
It has to exist within your body
for the rest of your life,
almost like in a crystallized
form

818
00:42:35,090 --> 00:42:37,059
at the bottom of your stomach,
it's almost like You put a
Horcrux in that person

819
00:42:37,079 --> 00:42:39,210
and that person's put a Horcrux
in you, and you live the rest of
your life knowing that

820
00:42:39,230 --> 00:42:42,230
you're gonna love that person in
a really deep, important way,
unlike anyone else

821
00:42:43,010 --> 00:42:43,219
you'll ever love in your life,
but will just live inside you
for the rest your life

822
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,030
and never go away.

823
00:42:45,050 --> 00:42:47,199
Do you know what
I'm ? [LAUGHTER]

824
00:42:47,219 --> 00:42:49,219
Is that relatable?

825
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,070
I did try and turn that into a
meme, but that didn't really
imply [LAUGHTER] that's

826
00:42:52,090 --> 00:42:53,039
is that not relatable?

827
00:42:55,059 --> 00:42:57,230
We are selling our t-shirts and
tote bags as well, so I
don't [LAUGHTER] is that

828
00:42:58,010 --> 00:42:59,130
am I gonna lose money on that?

829
00:42:59,150 --> 00:43:00,210
Is that not relatable?

830
00:43:01,110 --> 00:43:02,019
Okay.

831
00:43:02,150 --> 00:43:03,179
[LAUGHTER]

832
00:43:03,199 --> 00:43:05,150
That's fine.

833
00:43:05,170 --> 00:43:08,070
I think maybe this, okay, maybe
this isn't relatable, but I
think

834
00:43:08,090 --> 00:43:10,070
this is what it is for me, and
it might relate to someone

835
00:43:10,090 --> 00:43:13,199
but I think that what my
thing is, is that I'm more

836
00:43:13,219 --> 00:43:17,019
I am more in love with the idea
of being in love more than the
reality of it.

837
00:43:17,039 --> 00:43:18,219
That is it.

838
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:22,070
I am more in love with the
concept of being in love, rather
than the reality of it.

839
00:43:22,090 --> 00:43:23,070
It's the same approach I
take to baths [LAUGHTER].

840
00:43:28,159 --> 00:43:33,219
And you know what I mean by
that, like the idea of a bath
it's fucking incredible.

841
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:39,099
But the reality of a bath is
that you are hot [LAUGHTER] and
you're wet

842
00:43:39,119 --> 00:43:40,230
and you're alone with
your thoughts, okay.

843
00:43:41,010 --> 00:43:42,199
[LAUGHTER].

844
00:43:42,219 --> 00:43:46,079
And that is literal
hell to me, right.

845
00:43:46,099 --> 00:43:50,050
I go into a set of negative
meditation when I get to a a
therapist is like

846
00:43:50,070 --> 00:43:51,139
that just sounds like
mild depression.

847
00:43:51,159 --> 00:43:53,139
And I was like potato,
potato [LAUGHTER].

848
00:43:53,159 --> 00:43:54,099
Same deal.

849
00:43:56,030 --> 00:43:56,039
All about MD, a little
house MD [LAUGHTER].

850
00:44:00,199 --> 00:44:01,110
Mild depresso.

851
00:44:04,190 --> 00:44:07,010
I go to my therapist a lot and
it's so funny cause most of the
things I talk

852
00:44:07,030 --> 00:44:09,150
to her about are usually
about relationships

853
00:44:09,170 --> 00:44:12,170
cause I think that's what stems
most of my anxieties and stuff.

854
00:44:12,190 --> 00:44:15,090
And she says the same thing to
me every time, every single
time.

855
00:44:15,110 --> 00:44:19,000
She's like, Rose, Ro, what your
pro what your problem is, is
that

856
00:44:19,019 --> 00:44:21,030
you're obsessed with things that
have happened in the past

857
00:44:21,050 --> 00:44:22,139
and things that might
happen in the future.

858
00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:24,150
But you're never
just in the moment.

859
00:44:24,170 --> 00:44:26,210
That's you're never just
living in the moment.

860
00:44:26,230 --> 00:44:28,130
So, all you've gotta do, all
you've gotta do, all you've
gotta do is you've gotta do

861
00:44:28,150 --> 00:44:32,170
you live in the moment, you've
gotta live in the moment, Rose.

862
00:44:32,190 --> 00:44:34,230
And every time I hear that I'm
like, that's incredible advice,
thank you so much for that.

863
00:44:35,010 --> 00:44:37,170
What sage, wise advise.

864
00:44:37,190 --> 00:44:41,099
And then another part of me,
very deep down, thinks, how am I
paying you

865
00:44:41,119 --> 00:44:47,090
sixty fucking British pounds
[LAUGHTER] to tell me

866
00:44:47,110 --> 00:44:53,059
something I could buy on the
front of a fucking notebook from
Prime Art?

867
00:44:53,079 --> 00:44:54,130
Fucking live in
the moment, girl.

868
00:44:55,099 --> 00:44:56,000
Like what?

869
00:44:56,019 --> 00:44:57,150
[APPLAUSE] So what, man?

870
00:44:59,039 --> 00:44:59,230
You don't need to clap,
you don't need to clap.

871
00:45:01,119 --> 00:45:03,219
But it's true you're a fucking
medical professional.

872
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:05,090
What the fuck is wrong with you?

873
00:45:05,110 --> 00:45:07,119
And she's like so wrong
about so many things.

874
00:45:07,139 --> 00:45:10,179
She also said, after last
long-term relationship I got out
of

875
00:45:10,199 --> 00:45:13,199
all of the feelings of like
euphoria and all these happy
feelings

876
00:45:13,219 --> 00:45:16,079
I was describing to her she
would actually technically
describe

877
00:45:16,099 --> 00:45:18,139
that as mania [LAUGHTER] and I
was like, I don't know what
you're talking about,

878
00:45:18,159 --> 00:45:21,159
I feel amazing! [LAUGHTER]

879
00:45:21,179 --> 00:45:22,150
So, I got rid of her.

880
00:45:26,130 --> 00:45:31,090
Cause she just didn't she
wasn't on my wavelength, but she
was right

881
00:45:31,110 --> 00:45:34,039
about one thing, and I will
give her this, and that she

882
00:45:34,059 --> 00:45:37,099
I do, I do obsess over things
that haven't necessarily
happened yet,

883
00:45:37,119 --> 00:45:40,039
I do obsess about scenarios
that haven't happened yet

884
00:45:40,059 --> 00:45:41,190
because I like to prepare
for the worst, right.

885
00:45:41,210 --> 00:45:45,099
And I do have this
recurring fantasy about,

886
00:45:45,119 --> 00:45:46,150
it's like an awesome
scenario to like workshop

887
00:45:46,170 --> 00:45:48,190
if anyone is interested.

888
00:45:48,210 --> 00:45:54,099
It's the scenario of me finding
out that my ex-boyfriend is
seeing someone new.

889
00:45:54,119 --> 00:45:56,010
that is like it's delicious,
you should try it.

890
00:45:56,030 --> 00:45:58,099
It's because I wa

891
00:45:58,119 --> 00:46:02,039
I practice it because when that
happens, I want to be fucking
glamorous as hell

892
00:46:02,059 --> 00:46:04,000
when it happens
[LAUGHTER], right.

893
00:46:04,019 --> 00:46:06,179
I want to be like Katharine
Hepburn when that bombshell
drops,

894
00:46:06,199 --> 00:46:08,099
and I've thought about it to
like the smallest detail.

895
00:46:08,119 --> 00:46:09,230
Like it's crazy.

896
00:46:10,010 --> 00:46:12,130
Like ideally, I'll show you,
I'll just show you.

897
00:46:12,150 --> 00:46:16,159
Ideally when it happens, I'll
be holding something, right.

898
00:46:16,179 --> 00:46:18,219
Like I'll be like doing the
dishes or doing like a little
bit...

899
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:20,159
like ittle bit of
chores or something.

900
00:46:20,179 --> 00:46:26,000
And so, as soon as the person,
like my friend tells me that my
ex-boyfriend

901
00:46:26,019 --> 00:46:27,170
is seeing someone new, this is
exactly how I'll react.

902
00:46:27,190 --> 00:46:28,130
I have practiced this, okay.

903
00:46:34,079 --> 00:46:37,070
Eliza? [LAUGHTER]

904
00:46:43,230 --> 00:46:46,099
What a lovely name. [LAUGHTER]

905
00:46:49,219 --> 00:46:51,090
I must send a telegram.

906
00:46:51,110 --> 00:46:52,010
You know what I
mean? [LAUGHTER]

907
00:46:52,030 --> 00:46:53,119
It's just

908
00:46:53,139 --> 00:46:55,079
[APPLAUSE] It's just
don't clap that, don't.

909
00:46:57,159 --> 00:46:58,219
Don't clap it because it's
actually not okay, right.

910
00:47:00,139 --> 00:47:03,010
You're enablers if you
clap, right, that's

911
00:47:03,030 --> 00:47:05,130
cause that's not normal
behaviour and it never happens.

912
00:47:05,150 --> 00:47:07,170
You can't plan how
that's gonna happen.

913
00:47:07,190 --> 00:47:10,130
It always happens in the
worst possible situation.

914
00:47:10,150 --> 00:47:12,210
It always happens on your
fucking on a bus on the way to
West London.

915
00:47:12,230 --> 00:47:14,050
You're about to get your hair
cut and you cry all the way

916
00:47:14,070 --> 00:47:15,130
through the haircut and you
have to pretend

917
00:47:15,150 --> 00:47:17,099
you're allergic to a hairdryer,
okay [LAUGHTER].

918
00:47:17,119 --> 00:47:19,150
That's how it happens.

919
00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:23,219
Is that example too
specific? [LAUGHTER]

920
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,019
And my friends tell me, they're
like, Rose, Ro, you are

921
00:47:26,039 --> 00:47:28,179
twenty-seven years old, you have
to have the emotional maturity

922
00:47:28,199 --> 00:47:31,210
to let someone move
on with their life.

923
00:47:31,230 --> 00:47:37,039
And I say, sorry, sorry, are you
you are talking to a woman who
has no fewer

924
00:47:37,059 --> 00:47:44,079
than three full pint glasses of
old water on her nightstand at
any given moment,

925
00:47:44,099 --> 00:47:48,179
you think I possess the maturity
to let someone move on with
their lives?

926
00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:53,099
And especially at a time like
this, at a time like this where
I think if the Internet was

927
00:47:53,119 --> 00:47:58,090
something that actively helped
us as teenagers like discover
our sexualities and all that,

928
00:47:58,110 --> 00:48:02,010
it's something that actively
like hinders us as adults to get
over someone,

929
00:48:02,030 --> 00:48:02,210
to like fall out of
love with someone.

930
00:48:02,230 --> 00:48:03,230
Like if it

931
00:48:04,010 --> 00:48:05,090
I am

932
00:48:05,110 --> 00:48:09,019
I'm fine by the way [LAUGHTER],
you're really crazy.

933
00:48:09,039 --> 00:48:13,110
But has anyone, I'll ask this,
has anyone in the room had to go
through a breakup

934
00:48:13,130 --> 00:48:16,230
in the age of Facebook
memories? [LAUGHTER]

935
00:48:17,010 --> 00:48:17,119
Why would you wanna do that?

936
00:48:17,139 --> 00:48:18,079
Because I

937
00:48:18,210 --> 00:48:18,230
I

938
00:48:21,059 --> 00:48:24,230
I'll tell you this much, when
you're going through a break-up,
Facebook memories is essentially

939
00:48:25,010 --> 00:48:28,190
an abusive friendship, yeah
[LAUGHTER], cause it's the
equivalent of someone coming
over

940
00:48:28,210 --> 00:48:32,219
to your house and being like,
hey, here you go, is that oh my
God, I made you a

941
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:34,050
photo album of you and your
boyfriend's trip to America
three years ago.

942
00:48:35,210 --> 00:48:38,000
Why are you crying? [LAUGHTER]

943
00:48:38,019 --> 00:48:38,159
Are you okay, girl?

944
00:48:38,179 --> 00:48:40,010
Are you

945
00:48:40,030 --> 00:48:41,019
Oh my oh, you broke
up years ago?

946
00:48:43,210 --> 00:48:47,079
Oh, how could I not know that
since I had access to almost all
of your personal information?

947
00:48:47,099 --> 00:48:49,090
[LAUGHTER]

948
00:48:49,110 --> 00:48:53,030
In fact, fuck you, Facebook, I
don't see how they can't figure
that out.

949
00:48:53,050 --> 00:48:58,039
I don't see how Facebook can
read into my messages and see
when I might be freaking

950
00:48:58,059 --> 00:49:01,199
out to my friends that I might
be pregnant and then target
Clear Blue pregnancy tests

951
00:49:01,219 --> 00:49:05,010
to me the next hour.

952
00:49:05,030 --> 00:49:07,150
But they can't figure out I
fucking broke up with someone
years ago.

953
00:49:07,170 --> 00:49:11,030
I just wanna say, where is
the algorithm for that?

954
00:49:11,050 --> 00:49:13,000
And its anything, it's ev so
every time, it's everything,
it's everything, all

955
00:49:13,019 --> 00:49:13,190
my apps, all my apps got
a clue, clue [LAUGHTER].

956
00:49:16,219 --> 00:49:18,159
My period

957
00:49:18,179 --> 00:49:19,210
I've got a period tracking app,
has anyone, uh, got a period
tracking app?

958
00:49:19,230 --> 00:49:20,070
Anyone?

959
00:49:20,090 --> 00:49:22,030
Yes?

960
00:49:22,050 --> 00:49:24,210
Yes, oh, fuck it, everyone
should have a period tracking
app, it's great.

961
00:49:24,230 --> 00:49:27,170
Use it as a calendar, I don't
know, [LAUGHTER] very sad advent
calendar, right.

962
00:49:27,190 --> 00:49:29,210
[LAUGHTER]

963
00:49:29,230 --> 00:49:33,130
I love my period tracking app,
but I have two problems with it

964
00:49:33,150 --> 00:49:36,159
and the first problem is, and I
will say it, I say this with
love

965
00:49:36,179 --> 00:49:39,090
but sometimes when I'm
updating my period tracking app,

966
00:49:39,110 --> 00:49:42,130
I almost feel like I'm writing
some sort of entry into a
wartime journal.

967
00:49:42,150 --> 00:49:44,170
[LAUGHTER].

968
00:49:44,190 --> 00:49:47,119
Because you know what the
language you have to use with
it?

969
00:49:47,139 --> 00:49:51,099
You'd just be like,
day five. [LAUGHTER]

970
00:49:51,119 --> 00:49:55,170
Still bleeding [LAUGHTER].

971
00:49:55,190 --> 00:49:58,130
I miss my wife so much,
right. [LAUGHTER]

972
00:49:58,150 --> 00:50:01,070
That's what it feels like, but
the second problem I have

973
00:50:01,090 --> 00:50:05,019
and this is true, this has been
proven, your period tracking app

974
00:50:05,039 --> 00:50:08,059
is selling information to your
Instagram account.

975
00:50:08,079 --> 00:50:15,070
So at the height of my menstrual
cycle every month, I am
advertised the same fucking pair

976
00:50:15,090 --> 00:50:21,139
of dungarees I could never pull
off [LAUGHTER], like what is it
that stirs that?

977
00:50:21,159 --> 00:50:24,139
That is someone preying on me at
my most emotionally vulnerable
and it's everything's

978
00:50:24,159 --> 00:50:27,170
bovine! [LAUGHTER]

979
00:50:27,190 --> 00:50:30,019
You know it's bovine
when it feels like,

980
00:50:30,039 --> 00:50:33,170
oh, it's like the top songs of
like a certain year, so be like,
oh, top songs of 2016 or

981
00:50:33,190 --> 00:50:36,139
whatever, and then all those
songs, they remind you of
ex-boyfriends, so you have to
rename

982
00:50:36,159 --> 00:50:39,139
the playlists to something like
crying', [LAUGHTER] but then
you realise that your

983
00:50:39,159 --> 00:50:42,139
profile is public, so all your
friends can see it, so you have
to rename it to something

984
00:50:42,159 --> 00:50:45,159
more inconspicuous like
summer anthems'. [LAUGHTER]

985
00:50:45,179 --> 00:50:47,019
Put palm trees on the side.

986
00:50:48,059 --> 00:50:49,110
Netflix! [LAUGHTER]

987
00:50:53,090 --> 00:50:58,130
Oh my God, do you know when you
like log into Netflix and you're
like, your ex-boyfriend

988
00:50:58,150 --> 00:51:01,030
is still logged into it so
you're like, I'll have a look at
what he's watching.

989
00:51:01,050 --> 00:51:05,019
And so you go in and you see
that he's half way through the
new series of Stranger Things

990
00:51:05,039 --> 00:51:07,139
and you're like, oh, that's so
weird because that was sort of
our thing.

991
00:51:07,159 --> 00:51:11,159
And so what you do is you watch
you six episodes in one night so
you can catch up where he is

992
00:51:11,179 --> 00:51:13,159
so you can like watch at the
same time as him, at the same
pace, even though he's

993
00:51:13,179 --> 00:51:16,139
not talking to you. [LAUGHTER]

994
00:51:16,159 --> 00:51:18,219
So you feel like you're sharing

995
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,130
[LAUGHTER]

996
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:30,000
That's too specific. [LAUGHTER]

997
00:51:33,230 --> 00:51:37,000
[LAUGHTER]

998
00:51:44,179 --> 00:51:48,000
Well, that's the
show, um [LAUGHTER]

999
00:51:48,019 --> 00:51:49,179
So I think are there any there
aren't any more slides are
there?

1000
00:51:49,199 --> 00:51:50,219
Are there any more slides?

1001
00:51:54,050 --> 00:51:55,170
Sorry, I'm here.

1002
00:51:55,190 --> 00:51:56,199
Yeah.

1003
00:52:01,050 --> 00:52:07,030
Thank you for coming, um,
[LAUGHTER] usually that bit
like, is like an ending where
everyone's

1004
00:52:07,050 --> 00:52:08,159
like, oh, you're like great,
it's so relatable, and like

1005
00:52:08,179 --> 00:52:11,230
[LAUGHTER]

1006
00:52:15,090 --> 00:52:19,010
and then we like end on like a
high [LAUGHTER], but no, that's,
yeah, cool.

1007
00:52:19,030 --> 00:52:21,170
[LAUGHTER]

1008
00:52:26,190 --> 00:52:29,099
So, it's like an it's like
anticlimactic, so [LAUGHTER]

1009
00:52:33,210 --> 00:52:43,130
I guess oh, I guess if there
were a lesson to be learned
[LAUGHTER]

1010
00:52:43,150 --> 00:52:46,219
and there really is a new word

1011
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,159
is that maybe sometimes you put
a hundred percent into something

1012
00:52:49,179 --> 00:52:53,010
and it doesn't work out,
it doesn't work out [LAUGHTER].

1013
00:52:57,039 --> 00:53:00,150
But that doesn't mean it wasn't
worth it, that's not what I
mean.

1014
00:53:00,170 --> 00:53:03,079
Like I don't want that to be the
message of the show, like maybe
I was, maybe was wrong

1015
00:53:03,099 --> 00:53:05,019
at the start of the

1016
00:53:05,039 --> 00:53:08,210
I think maybe I was wrong in the
sense that I feel like it's not
actually what

1017
00:53:11,119 --> 00:53:14,059
it's not actually what you love,
it's actually how you love, you
know, it's like actually

1018
00:53:14,079 --> 00:53:17,210
what kind of person you are and
how you express that love.

1019
00:53:17,230 --> 00:53:20,230
And you can't that's like
that's what has meaning to it.

1020
00:53:21,010 --> 00:53:24,050
And I feel like you can't you
can't change that, you can't
change your personality.

1021
00:53:24,070 --> 00:53:26,130
You can't change the fact that
you're twenty-seven years old,
you're [UNCLEAR]

1022
00:53:26,150 --> 00:53:27,059
So why would you want it?

1023
00:53:27,079 --> 00:53:28,010
Why would you want it?

1024
00:53:28,030 --> 00:53:29,030
Why would you want it?

1025
00:53:29,050 --> 00:53:32,210
I'm fine. [LAUGHTER]

1026
00:53:32,230 --> 00:53:35,230
Why would you want to hold back,
though, from one of those things
that you

1027
00:53:36,010 --> 00:53:39,150
feel like is one of the most
awesome parts of your
personality, cause you throw
yourself

1028
00:53:39,170 --> 00:53:43,230
fully into something, because
like why would you hold back
from doing that at a time like

1029
00:53:44,010 --> 00:53:46,130
thi we're gonna we're gonna
fu we are gonna fucking die in
two years.

1030
00:53:46,150 --> 00:53:48,090
Do you know what I mean?

1031
00:53:48,110 --> 00:53:51,230
Like I heard that on a podcast,
right, so, I know why would you
hold back from

1032
00:53:52,010 --> 00:53:54,150
loving someone with
all of your heart?

1033
00:53:54,170 --> 00:54:01,079
Cause I think like love is like
a high-risk, high-reward
situation,

1034
00:54:01,099 --> 00:54:03,059
isn't it?

1035
00:54:03,079 --> 00:54:07,230
And the more you put in, the
more you stand to get out, you
have to risk something.

1036
00:54:08,010 --> 00:54:13,199
And even if you're going through
the most awful, like horrible
form of heartbreak

1037
00:54:13,219 --> 00:54:19,139
at any point in time all that
means is that at some point you
had the most incredible,

1038
00:54:19,159 --> 00:54:26,150
like amazing form of love as
well, and surely there's meaning
in that.

1039
00:54:26,170 --> 00:54:32,199
And I just think that putting a
hundred percent into something
will always be worth it.

1040
00:54:32,219 --> 00:55:46,150
[MUSIC PLAYS]

1041
00:55:46,170 --> 00:55:51,079
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]

1042
00:56:22,010 --> 00:56:24,139
Oh my God!

1043
00:57:10,059 --> 00:57:12,210
Thank you! Thanks guys.