WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Come on! Thank you!

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Wow!

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Thank you very much!

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Wow. Perfect.

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Thank you so much.

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Okay, alright, I want to address
the elephant in the room

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Straight off the bat, yes,

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I am wearing a short
skirt on a raised stage.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I am fully aware that,
decisions were made.

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I'm committed to it now.

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So let's, you know... sorry

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[LAUGHTER]

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What happens here stays here.

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I also, I also want
to address the fact

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that I haven't shaved my
legs for the performance.

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And I... yes very brave.

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I am a hero

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and I wish I could say
that that was like

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some sort of cool like
articulation of my feminism

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or something like that.

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It is not that. It is
I'm just very lazy.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I forgot.

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But I honestly do think, I
have a theory that most...

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I think most acts
of radical feminism

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were born out of laziness.

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And do you know what I mean?

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Yeah, I too would
rather burn my bra

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than wash it by hand.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Like fucking Charlie Bucket's
mother or some shit.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Stirring old bra soup
with a wooden spoon.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I am not that.

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So, welcome to the show.

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Thank you for coming.

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The show is called Horn Dog,
as you can see from the stage.

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[LAUGHTER]

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At this point if the show
wasn't called Horn Dog

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I would have some questions,
you know what i mean?

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I am fully that it's an
incredibly intense name

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I think for a show that
is actually basically...

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this show is about love.

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So if you did come
tonight expecting

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like, you know, like
a sexy sex show,

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[LAUGHTER]

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So sorry.

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What you're about
to see is an hour

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of sensitive comedy from
a 27 year old Pisces.

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So, whoa!

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Raunchy! Want some!

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[LAUGHTER]

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And when I said the
show about love

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I don't want to freak you out.

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That sounds pretty
heavy, very deep.

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It is not a TED Talk, I can
promise you that much.

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It's not one of those
fucking comedy shows

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where it's like, oh,
there's a lesson

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to be learned at the end of it.

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I hate that kind of shit.

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[LAUGHTER]

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It's not the kind of
show where it's like

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Oh, in 2009 I ran over a cat

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and I learned about empathy.

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Like it's not...

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[LAUGHTER]

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And when I say a cat, I
mean biological father.

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And when I say empathy
I mean the patriarchy.

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[LAUGHTER]

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It's not that kind of show.

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It's a show, it's a
silly show about love.

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And it was actually inspired by

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something that happened to me
a couple of years ago,

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something big that
happened to me.

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And that is that
I read this book

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that changed my life
and a huge way.

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It sounds very cheesy
but it's true.

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And this book

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essentially it was all about
how the meaning of life

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ends up being the
things that you pay

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attention to the most
in your life, right?

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So the things you love the most,

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and your entire life ends up
being the very meaning of it.

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And I thought that was
an incredible thing

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to kind of, you know,
do a comedy show about.

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And obviously when I
do say I read a book,

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what I do actually mean there
is I listened to a podcast

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[LAUGHTER]

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with a review of that book
because I am 27 years old.

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I haven't read a book in four
fucking years, okay.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Four more years!
Four more years!

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[LAUGHTER]

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Books suck! [LAUGHTER]

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Anyway, no? Okay.

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How can I even read a book

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when I can't even afford
a house to read it in?

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[LAUGHTER]

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Don't clap that.

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I don't even know what
that means, right?

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Anti-boomer humour
at the start there.

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And also when I say I'm doing
a show about love, right,

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I don't necessarily
mean romantic love.

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I don't mean romantic love.

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I feel like it's a difficult
thing to talk about, romantic
love,

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especially when you're a
female comedian, I think.

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Because I think a lot of people
when you're a woman,

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your're a female comedian
talking about that

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they just don't think
that you're...

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They kind of get worried about
you a little bit, right,

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Like I feel like real
pity when I talk about

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anything remotely
emotional onstage.

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It's the exact same form of pity

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and you guys might know this.

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It's the same sort of
pity I feel as a woman

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when I eat alone
in a restaurant.

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That is the [LAUGHTER] exact...

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A few knowing laughs
[LAUGHTER] out there.

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I went, oh, this is true.

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I went to Palm Springs recently
on holiday, alone,

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because obviously I am
doing well financially

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but not well mentally,
okay? [LAUGHTER]

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Swings in roundabouts, yeah?

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And I will tell you this,

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going into a restaurant or
asking for a table for one

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and ordering a steak and martini

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is a suicide note
in any language.

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So [LAUGHTER]

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I am not gonna be
talking about anything

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remotely emotional tonight

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because, I mean, like love
it doesn't necessarily

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just mean romance.

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It's such a broad
concept, right.

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Like even the word love,

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it's a word that operates
in different ways

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depending on what context
you use it in, right.

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Like for instance I'll
give you an example.

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So, I could say, for
example, I could say that

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I love spaghetti carbonara.

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Yes, that is true, thank
you for the room, yeah.

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But it doesn't mean I want to
make love to spaghetti
carbonara.

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See the difference?
Clearly not.

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That must be [LAUGHTER]
holy shit, wild night.

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Okay. I'll give you
another example

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of the use of the word love.

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I could say that I love my
cat, yes, that is true.

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It doesn't mean they want
to eat my cat, yeah?

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[LAUGHTER]

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See the difference with the
use of the word love there?

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And the weirdest example
is that I don't

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even like the actor
Armie Hammer,

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but I want to fuck him and eat
him, yeah. [LAUGHTER]

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He's so mysterious the
way he [UNCLEAR].

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So, I knew that I had
to focus this show

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on a very, very specific
type of love, a type of love

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I think I've gravitated
towards my entire life

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And that is that I am a very
obsessive person by nature,

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and that is the approach
I take to love.

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I fucking go hard or go home
[LAUGHTER] alright?

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I have some style, and
I often use the word

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to describe this
obsessive kind of love.

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I use the word horny to
describe this type of love.

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I don't know if anyone else
does that. Probably not.

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Cause it is the wrong
use of that word, yeah?

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[LAUGHTER]

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But it's the only
word I could find

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in the English language
that describes

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this very specific type of
love, this obsessive love

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that almost feels like it's
bursting out of your heart
sometimes.

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It like compels you to
do like the wildest,

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craziest things in
your life, right?

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And it was the only
word I could find.

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And so I was say this
to my friend, Jack,

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about the show, I was like,

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oh, I've got a show
called Horn Dog.

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Horny's the only
word that describes

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this particular type of
love I wanna talk about.

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it's the best thing
on your heart,

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and you do the wildest
craziest things.

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And he was like, oh, yeah,
you mean passion?

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[LAUGHTER]

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AAnd I was like, what?

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And he went, you mean
the word of passion?

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And I was like, yes, I did.

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[LAUGHTER]

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So now I've got a
show called Horn Dog

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cause I didn't go on
Thessaurus.com, yeah?

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But I was still struggling
to find examples

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of what I mean by this
horny type of love.

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I feel like we're still
not on the same page

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[LAUGHTER] with this concept.

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And I didn't find
the perfect example

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until I was back home.

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I was back in Auckland, New
Zealand, where I'm originally
from.

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And... oh, a few
of us, fantastic.

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I was back home. Okay,
now I want to take care

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to say the next bit in the
coolest way I possibly can.

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I was attending a K-pop
convention [LAUGHTER], people.

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Yes, a few ca fans of
K-pop in the crowd.

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If you don't know what
K-pop is fucking sick,

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it's Korean pop music.

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It's so good, go on YouTube
tonight, treat yourself to it.

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Fall down that
rabbit hole, yeah.

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But what I saw at this
K-pop convention was

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this dance floor that
was set up in the

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middle of the event
space, right,

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and right next to the dance
floor there was this kind of

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little group of kind of
shy, really reserved

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kind of quiet teenage girls,

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not talking to each other at
all, really meek looking girls.

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And as soon as the loudspeakers
started playing a K-pop song

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that they recognised,
all of them,

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without speaking to each other,

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would stand up, get
onto the dance floor

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and then perform these
amazingly well rehearsed,

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meticulously choreographed dance
routines to these songs.

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And when I saw that I was like,

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this is what I'm fucking
talking about, okay?

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[LAUGHTER]

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This is horniness right
here, okay. [LAUGHTER]

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This is girls putting
a hundred percent

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into something that is
so not worth it, okay?

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[LAUGHTER]

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This is what I mean! Yes!

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And obviously that was what
I was feeling in my heart

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and in my head, clearly
what I didn't realise

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was you're all virgins
[LAUGHTER] because...

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I wanna add on I call
it like I see it.

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Bit of a legend. And, also I
have the hindsight of knowing

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that low self-esteem is actually
an asset to a teenage girl, yes?

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Ooh, that didn't go down
well tonight, that's so

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[LAUGHTER]

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Would anyone disagree?

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Is that a crazy thing to say?

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I'll put it this way,
has anyone recently

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met a teenager with
high self-esteem?

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Has anyone done that? Yeah.

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Because, yeah, it's fucked
up, yeah [LAUGHTER].

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it's disgusting, yeah,
it's against my beliefs

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and they're dangers
to their communities

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and they need to be
stopped [LAUGHTER].

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I will say this right
here on this stage,

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the only two good things,

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the only two good things
we got out of teens

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with high self-esteem,
I'll say it right now,

250
00:09:42.039 --> 00:09:45.080
are Malala Yousafzai
[LAUGHTER], okay,

251
00:09:46.169 --> 00:09:48.210
and the Lizzie
McGuire film, okay?

252
00:09:48.230 --> 00:09:49.110
[LAUGHTER]

253
00:09:52.179 --> 00:09:55.120
And please don't clap for the
Lizzie McGuire film [LAUGHTER]

254
00:09:55.139 --> 00:09:56.190
or for Malala Yousafzai.

255
00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:03.019
I guess Greta Thunberg,
she's pretty good,

256
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.179
she's a good yeah,
she's a yeah we fa

257
00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:06.000
we love Greta [CHEERING],
oh yeah, we love Greta.

258
00:10:07.149 --> 00:10:09.059
We love calling Greta
just Greta' because

259
00:10:09.080 --> 00:10:11.110
we're all very scared
to say her last name.

260
00:10:11.129 --> 00:10:15.009
And so [LAUGHTER] love Greta
Thunberg, yeah. [LAUGHTER].

261
00:10:15.029 --> 00:10:17.100
I love her, she's awesome.
She's obviously so great.

262
00:10:19.019 --> 00:10:21.070
What I will say [LAUGHTER]...

263
00:10:22.210 --> 00:10:26.039
is... it's very quiet at this
point in show [LAUGHTER]

264
00:10:27.149 --> 00:10:29.129
Nothing bad. I honest .
I love her, obviously.

265
00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:36.230
What I will say is that, and I
might sound old-fashioned.

266
00:10:37.009 --> 00:10:41.039
But in my day we called a
nerd a nerd [LAUGHTER]

267
00:10:42.129 --> 00:10:44.139
We called a nerd a
nerd, and it's fine.

268
00:10:46.169 --> 00:10:49.100
You're a fucking little nerd,
okay? And that's okay.

269
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:51.090
You can be a nerd.
Greta is amazing,

270
00:10:51.110 --> 00:10:54.009
but she strikes me as
the type of teenager

271
00:10:54.029 --> 00:10:56.169
who knows a lot about wine,
you know [LAUGHTER].

272
00:10:57.169 --> 00:10:59.090
That's that teenager, you know,

273
00:10:59.110 --> 00:11:01.169
she like brings like a
natural wine to pre drinks

274
00:11:01.190 --> 00:11:02.120
and you're like, hmm,
thanks Greta [LAUGHTER],

275
00:11:04.110 --> 00:11:06.039
put it on the communal table,
this. Pretty cool, right?

276
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:13.139
I just fundamentally think that
teenagers should not have
personalities, is that crazy?

277
00:11:13.159 --> 00:11:15.110
[LAUGHTER]

278
00:11:15.129 --> 00:11:17.059
I just don't think you should
have you can have interests,
that's fine.

279
00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:21.100
I loved Garfield [LAUGHTER]
as a kid, right?

280
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.139
I honestly think it's just
a red flag when parents

281
00:11:23.159 --> 00:11:26.139
introduce their children

282
00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:30.159
with like a very strong
personality identifier, like a
mum's like, this is Caitlyn.

283
00:11:30.179 --> 00:11:32.080
Caitlyn, she's eight years
old, she's very outspoken.

284
00:11:32.100 --> 00:11:34.049
[LAUGHTER]

285
00:11:34.070 --> 00:11:37.029
She's very outspoken.

286
00:11:37.049 --> 00:11:38.210
And she says that because
you're not allowed to

287
00:11:38.230 --> 00:11:40.019
call your own daughter a cunt,
ou know what I mean?

288
00:11:40.039 --> 00:11:40.149
[LAUGHTER]

289
00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:43.220
You're not allowed.

290
00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:46.070
It's not okay to use words, you
can have outspoken, you know.

291
00:11:49.070 --> 00:11:52.169
But I just think children should
be basic, that's what they
should be. I was basic.

292
00:11:52.190 --> 00:11:56.100
I was basic as fuck as a
teenager. I was a little basic
bitch.

293
00:11:56.120 --> 00:12:01.230
I was proud of it little BB,
little BB. Little BB queen.
Little BB king.

294
00:12:05.169 --> 00:12:11.090
Right, now, [LAUGHTER]

295
00:12:11.110 --> 00:12:16.110
Now, what that was, was me
trying to appeal to two very
different sides of the crowd
there

296
00:12:16.129 --> 00:12:21.129
and somehow missing both
[LAUGHTER] alright?

297
00:12:21.149 --> 00:12:25.090
I was basic, though, and that's
fine, I mean, I it wasn't like

298
00:12:25.110 --> 00:12:28.059
What's so weird is I feel like
there was an obsession with
girls not being basic

299
00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:30.110
with girls trying to figure out,
young girls trying to figure out

300
00:12:30.129 --> 00:12:33.159
who they were at a really,
really early age.

301
00:12:33.179 --> 00:12:37.129
And my parents they tried
desperately to imbue me with a
sense of personality as a child.

302
00:12:37.149 --> 00:12:40.200
And I knew this because my
mother, in the early 2000s

303
00:12:40.220 --> 00:12:46.039
she almost exclusively only
dressed me in sassy slogan
t-shirts, right [LAUGHTER].

304
00:12:46.059 --> 00:12:49.090
That is all she dressed me in,
and what I think she forgot

305
00:12:49.110 --> 00:12:52.169
and I think a lot of the
designers of those shirts forgot
as well,

306
00:12:52.190 --> 00:12:56.000
is that sometimes, sometimes,
a nine-year-old child

307
00:12:56.019 --> 00:12:58.159
does not have the
confidence or the knowledge

308
00:12:58.179 --> 00:13:00.169
to sort of back some of
those slogans up, right?

309
00:13:00.190 --> 00:13:02.149
[LAUGHTER]

310
00:13:02.169 --> 00:13:03.200
Most of them I didn't know
what the fuck they meant.

311
00:13:03.220 --> 00:13:06.129
I had one, very simple,
very elegant, one word.

312
00:13:06.149 --> 00:13:08.169
Glittery fog. One word,
it just said, fragile'.

313
00:13:08.190 --> 00:13:09.120
[LAUGHTER]

314
00:13:09.139 --> 00:13:11.159
What does it mean?

315
00:13:11.179 --> 00:13:13.120
'Fragile'.

316
00:13:13.139 --> 00:13:17.039
I had another one, I had another
one, it was very
confrontational.

317
00:13:17.059 --> 00:13:21.059
It said another one said,
Don't bug me!' [LAUGHTER]

318
00:13:23.059 --> 00:13:25.110
Don't bug me, man. Yeah.

319
00:13:29.080 --> 00:13:34.070
But, guys, the crazy thing about
this one, right, was that
instead of the word bug'

320
00:13:36.110 --> 00:13:40.009
[LAUGHTER]

321
00:13:40.029 --> 00:13:43.029
they put a picture of a
bug, right? [LAUGHTER]

322
00:13:43.049 --> 00:13:46.090
But they fucked up because
the bug they chose

323
00:13:46.110 --> 00:13:49.080
out of any bug you could
choose, was a bee.

324
00:13:49.100 --> 00:13:53.100
[LAUGHTER].

325
00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:57.200
So, every day I had
nine-year-old boys coming up to
me and being like

326
00:13:57.220 --> 00:13:59.200
Don't be you, who the fuck would
wanna be you, piece of shit?
[LAUGHTER]

327
00:13:59.220 --> 00:14:02.090
And I was like, fair enough,
fair enough. Says it on the
t-shirt, right?

328
00:14:05.129 --> 00:14:07.210
I had one I had another one
that my auntie got me, it was
very ahead of its time,

329
00:14:07.230 --> 00:14:10.009
it said, um, uh,
Girls are human too'.

330
00:14:10.029 --> 00:14:11.210
[LAUGHTER]

331
00:14:15.000 --> 00:14:19.070
And this was incredible and so
ahead of its time I think
because this was the early
2000s.

332
00:14:19.090 --> 00:14:21.100
It was years and years before
Taylor Swift had invented
feminism, you know what I mean?

333
00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:22.049
[LAUGHTER]

334
00:14:22.070 --> 00:14:23.169
It was really ahead of its time.

335
00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.169
I still think that there's
something that we I've grown
up, I still think I kind of
withered, though,

336
00:14:29.190 --> 00:14:33.110
I feel like we're sold all these
fucking bullshit slogans that
mean nothing.

337
00:14:33.129 --> 00:14:36.070
I feel like there's a there's a
sense of self-esteem that I want
to

338
00:14:36.090 --> 00:14:38.149
I want to see if you guys know
what I'm talking about here.

339
00:14:38.169 --> 00:14:45.179
It's a type of self-esteem I
have started calling adult white
girl self-esteem, okay?

340
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.149
An inaudible hush has descended
upon the audience there
[LAUGHTER].

341
00:14:48.169 --> 00:14:50.000
I feel like that's really my
target demo, uh [LAUGHTER].

342
00:14:53.009 --> 00:14:56.200
Also, I think people get really
itchy when I say that sort of
stuff.

343
00:14:56.220 --> 00:14:59.000
I've got to remind you I am half
white so I'm allowed to say
those sort of things, yeah
[LAUGHTER]

344
00:15:01.169 --> 00:15:04.120
But I'm also half brown as
well, so I can laugh at you

345
00:15:04.139 --> 00:15:06.080
[LAUGHTER] And it's a
gorgeous privilege there.

346
00:15:08.090 --> 00:15:11.039
And what I'm talking about,
okay, I'll explain myself

347
00:15:11.059 --> 00:15:13.179
adult white girl self-esteem
is the type of self-esteem

348
00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:14.009
and self-belief that I
felt I feel like is is

349
00:15:17.039 --> 00:15:21.169
it's a commodified sense, a
commercialised sense of
self-esteem and self-belief

350
00:15:21.190 --> 00:15:26.100
largely sold to adult white
women, sometimes appropriating
other cultures along the way.

351
00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:28.039
That's all I'm talking about
when I talk about adult white
girls self-esteem, okay?

352
00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:33.070
And I will move on cause this
bit is not going well
[LAUGHTER].

353
00:15:35.220 --> 00:15:38.000
I feel like I'm not I feel like
I always need to defend this
bit.

354
00:15:38.019 --> 00:15:42.159
Okay, what I'll say
is, [LAUGHTER]

355
00:15:42.179 --> 00:15:46.080
And before I say the next bit

356
00:15:46.100 --> 00:15:49.159
I want to remind you that I say
it with nothing but love and
light in my heart.

357
00:15:49.179 --> 00:15:52.139
[LAUGHTER]

358
00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:56.009
So, if this applies to you,
do not take this personally.

359
00:15:56.029 --> 00:16:01.230
But what I mean by this is that
for instance if you were over
the age of twenty-five years old

360
00:16:03.070 --> 00:16:07.090
and you are still
buying notebooks

361
00:16:07.110 --> 00:16:13.190
[LAUGHTER]

362
00:16:13.210 --> 00:16:18.190
from Primeart, yeah, that say
shit on the front of them

363
00:16:18.210 --> 00:16:25.009
like, 'I woke up like this'
[LAUGHTER] like hashtag
flawless, right,

364
00:16:25.029 --> 00:16:27.149
I think what you actually might
be is inherently full of flaws,
yeah.

365
00:16:27.169 --> 00:16:29.049
[LAUGHTER]

366
00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:30.129
Do you know what I'm
talking about here?

367
00:16:30.149 --> 00:16:34.009
These like fucking faux feminist
slogans that we're sold

368
00:16:34.029 --> 00:16:37.230
like they don't even mean
anything, they're just words
next to each other at this point

369
00:16:38.009 --> 00:16:41.009
and just be like, my other
unicorn's a feminist, like
[LAUGHTER] what does it mean?!

370
00:16:41.029 --> 00:16:41.149
[LAUGHTER]

371
00:16:43.110 --> 00:16:45.179
Self-care on
[UNCLEAR], like what?

372
00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:47.100
What are you saying?

373
00:16:49.049 --> 00:16:50.139
What are you actually saying?

374
00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:53.019
I just wanna know, and I
promise I will move on.

375
00:16:53.039 --> 00:17:00.110
But I will say this, who looks
at a fucking pencil case
[LAUGHTER] that says

376
00:17:00.129 --> 00:17:07.000
you're amazeballs' on
it at a time of need

377
00:17:07.019 --> 00:17:14.029
and is genuinely like,
[LAUGHTER] I really needed that
today.

378
00:17:14.049 --> 00:17:15.019
[LAUGHTER]

379
00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:18.059
Get help, seek
professional help instead.

380
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:25.109
I always feel so
mean saying that.

381
00:17:25.130 --> 00:17:27.190
And I don't mean you can have
as much self-esteem as you want
but I just

382
00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:30.079
I think there's a limit, I think
there's a limit, honestly,

383
00:17:30.099 --> 00:17:32.150
And I think I've hit the limit,
I found the perfect level of
self-esteem

384
00:17:32.170 --> 00:17:35.049
and that is that
as an adult woman,

385
00:17:35.069 --> 00:17:37.119
and I think some of you might
possess this confidence
yourself.

386
00:17:37.140 --> 00:17:43.009
I truly have the belief in
myself, I truly believe that

387
00:17:43.029 --> 00:17:51.170
sometimes I can measure a length
between the two tips of my index
fingers

388
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.029
and then travel

389
00:17:56.049 --> 00:17:59.190
[LAUGHTER]

390
00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:05.089
with that measurement to
the other side of a room

391
00:18:07.029 --> 00:18:08.220
and believe that it will
be at all accurate there?

392
00:18:09.000 --> 00:18:11.000
That's all confidence
you ever need, right?

393
00:18:11.019 --> 00:18:13.160
So, um, where was I?

394
00:18:13.180 --> 00:18:14.059
Okay, I was at this K-pop
convention, right?

395
00:18:15.200 --> 00:18:19.000
I was at the K-pop convention
obviously being hauled away

396
00:18:19.019 --> 00:18:20.049
by security because of my
comments to these children,
yeah,

397
00:18:22.220 --> 00:18:26.230
and as I was, I was like, Rose,
that is so fucking rich of you
to be yelling

398
00:18:27.009 --> 00:18:28.140
that kind of shit out to those
girls because when you were
their age

399
00:18:28.160 --> 00:18:31.180
you were exactly the
same as them, right?

400
00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:35.210
You were always putting a
hundred percent into things that
were totally not worth it.

401
00:18:35.230 --> 00:18:40.180
And also you were as much of a
fucking little virgin as any one
of those girls on that dance
floor [LAUGHTER], right,

402
00:18:40.200 --> 00:18:44.109
because I did not realise to the
extent of which I was truly,
truly a virgin, right,

403
00:18:46.039 --> 00:18:49.130
spiritually and physically,
right [LAUGHTER].

404
00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:53.089
I didn't realise this until
very, very recently and that was
very recently

405
00:18:53.109 --> 00:18:56.210
when I became obsessed, and I
think a lot of people in this
country did as well.

406
00:18:56.230 --> 00:18:58.130
I got obsessed with Love Island.

407
00:18:58.150 --> 00:19:00.019
[CHEERING]
Any fans?

408
00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:01.230
Yes? Fans in the crowd?

409
00:19:02.009 --> 00:19:03.079
I love it, it, I'm
fucking obsessed.

410
00:19:03.099 --> 00:19:04.000
I want to go on it.
I want to go on it.

411
00:19:05.210 --> 00:19:07.069
Ooh, and thank you for
your support there.

412
00:19:07.089 --> 00:19:08.180
[LAUGHTER]

413
00:19:08.200 --> 00:19:12.190
That was absolutely damning
there [LAUGHTER], fuck you.

414
00:19:15.089 --> 00:19:19.029
I think I'd be amazing on Love
Island, I honestly, I would be
so good.

415
00:19:19.049 --> 00:19:22.069
But for me, just like ideally
like a few little tweaks to the
format just to like suit my
personality.

416
00:19:22.089 --> 00:19:25.089
So, okay, alright,
hear me out, I will.

417
00:19:25.109 --> 00:19:28.180
Okay, so instead of like a villa
in Spain, like they all go to
like South Africa or whatever,

418
00:19:28.200 --> 00:19:30.140
we get to go to like a very old
mansion in the countryside.

419
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:36.000
And then instead of wearing like
misguided like crop tops and
like all the crop tops

420
00:19:36.019 --> 00:19:39.099
and like, you know, little
bikinis, we get to wear like
full sweaters to cover

421
00:19:39.119 --> 00:19:42.029
the mic packs, and [LAUGHTER]
instead of going there to find
love, we're all there to solve

422
00:19:42.049 --> 00:19:43.150
we're all there to solve
a murder. [LAUGHTER]

423
00:19:48.130 --> 00:19:52.160
And saying it out loud now, I do
think I'm just describing Cluedo
there. [LAUGHTER]

424
00:19:52.180 --> 00:19:56.079
I just wanna buy Cluedo, this
is a side note, and I will

425
00:19:58.170 --> 00:20:03.180
I will just briefly mention
this, I could always tell as a
teenager which one of my

426
00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:07.150
friends was the most sexually
active by which one of them
chose Miss Scarlet [LAUGHTER]

427
00:20:09.220 --> 00:20:12.029
as their character, it'd be like
Cluedo, so every time a friend
would choose her, I'd

428
00:20:12.049 --> 00:20:14.069
I'd be like, the girl's
touched a dick, like

429
00:20:14.089 --> 00:20:14.220
[LAUGHTER]

430
00:20:16.029 --> 00:20:17.200
Man respect, man respect.

431
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:22.029
And I'd be like, Mrs White
for me then [LAUGHTER]

432
00:20:24.170 --> 00:20:27.019
I've never touched a dick myself
[UNCLEAR] out of that.

433
00:20:30.049 --> 00:20:34.170
But so we got obsessed with
Love Island in our household and
what we did was we figured

434
00:20:34.190 --> 00:20:37.109
out our love statistics
of our life time.

435
00:20:37.130 --> 00:20:40.190
So, I figured out people, I
figured out from the beginning

436
00:20:40.210 --> 00:20:43.160
all the way from zero,
all the way to the end.

437
00:20:43.180 --> 00:20:48.230
Now, I had kissed nine people in
my entire life and I thought
that was actually an entirely

438
00:20:49.009 --> 00:20:53.220
average amount until I asked one
other person, okay, [LAUGHTER]
turns out that's pretty

439
00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:58.220
fucking low, right, especially
considering the fact that I had
literally never rejected

440
00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:04.000
anyone in my life,
right, [LAUGHTER], ever.

441
00:21:04.019 --> 00:21:07.000
I run a very open home policy
when it comes to that sort of
stuff.

442
00:21:07.019 --> 00:21:09.170
Come on in, choose one, choose
all, it's all fine, it's fine.

443
00:21:09.190 --> 00:21:14.170
And it's crazy, I kissed nine
men in my life, right, and I
honestly think

444
00:21:14.190 --> 00:21:20.059
that subconsciously there I am
holding out at single digits
with men because I think

445
00:21:20.079 --> 00:21:22.220
once I hit double digits it does
mean that I am definitely
straight

446
00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:24.190
and I am not ready
for that [LAUGHTER].

447
00:21:27.019 --> 00:21:32.059
Not my future, not my president,
yeah, that's a horrible thing to
sign up for, right,

448
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:36.130
because it's the worst
of all of them.

449
00:21:36.150 --> 00:21:38.039
[LAUGHTER]

450
00:21:40.059 --> 00:21:41.190
If that makes sense, right?

451
00:21:41.210 --> 00:21:45.130
It's the worst sexuality
gender combination.

452
00:21:45.150 --> 00:21:47.049
I know it's very un-PC
to rank them, right?

453
00:21:47.069 --> 00:21:48.079
[LAUGHTER]

454
00:21:50.059 --> 00:21:51.180
But it is at the bottom, it's,
it's worse than being a straight
man

455
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:53.089
if you actually think
about it, right?

456
00:21:53.109 --> 00:21:54.220
Yeah, I said it [LAUGHTER].

457
00:21:56.170 --> 00:22:01.009
But what it means is that given
all of the options in the world

458
00:22:01.029 --> 00:22:03.150
for any sexual
partner we desire,

459
00:22:03.170 --> 00:22:08.089
we still went with fucking
dudes, like what is going
through my mind?

460
00:22:08.109 --> 00:22:10.190
What kind of poor
decision-making skills

461
00:22:10.210 --> 00:22:13.180
does that reflect upon our
community, especially at a time
like this?

462
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:14.160
Holy shit! [LAUGHTER]

463
00:22:16.190 --> 00:22:18.130
Tough time to be a straight
woman, I'll say that much
[LAUGHTER].

464
00:22:19.049 --> 00:22:20.009
Oh my God.

465
00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:25.130
So, I've got a lot of straight
male friends, yeah, because I am
an ally [LAUGHTER].

466
00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:34.130
And they say, they're like,
Rose, it's a tough time to be a
decent man.

467
00:22:34.150 --> 00:22:37.130
Yeah, do you know, yeah, you
know what's a little bit harder,
is trying to be

468
00:22:37.150 --> 00:22:40.170
a straight woman at
a time like this

469
00:22:40.190 --> 00:22:44.150
given what we know about
you now, okay, [LAUGHTER].

470
00:22:44.170 --> 00:22:48.019
And the only accurate way I've
come to describing what that
truly feels like,

471
00:22:48.039 --> 00:22:53.069
to be a straight woman at times
like these, is it almost feels
like trying to recommend

472
00:22:53.089 --> 00:22:56.039
a restaurant that has given you
food poisoning eight times, okay
[LAUGHTER].

473
00:22:58.130 --> 00:23:00.200
That's truly what it feels like,
you tell your friends to go,
you're like, no, no, no

474
00:23:00.220 --> 00:23:04.000
just go, just go, don't go
online, don't read the reviews,
don't read that,

475
00:23:04.019 --> 00:23:05.000
Don't go on Yelp, that's fine,
that's fine, not all
restaurants, yeah, not all
restaurants, yeah?

476
00:23:06.170 --> 00:23:08.019
They're good, they're
really good, trust me.

477
00:23:08.039 --> 00:23:11.130
And I but I still love men, I
love to kiss them, [LAUGHTER] I

478
00:23:13.200 --> 00:23:16.150
I do, and I don't
even think it's...

479
00:23:16.170 --> 00:23:18.190
I don't even think it's
necessarily the fact that I like
men,

480
00:23:18.210 --> 00:23:22.069
I think it's the type of men
I traditionally go for.

481
00:23:22.089 --> 00:23:25.130
An it's a very specific type, I
don't know if you ha yeah, I
think you have them

482
00:23:25.150 --> 00:23:28.099
in the UK, we definitely have
them in New Zealand, total
fucking nightmares.

483
00:23:28.119 --> 00:23:30.049
Do you have [LAUGHTER] that
strain up here as well?

484
00:23:32.009 --> 00:23:33.119
And it's my type on paper, my T
on P, I go towards that
[LAUGHTER].

485
00:23:36.150 --> 00:23:40.079
And, I don't know, I'm just so
easily forgiving of men, and
also on the flip side,

486
00:23:40.099 --> 00:23:44.059
I'm so easily impressed by men
as well, that is my problem.

487
00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:51.130
Oh my God, if a man can show a
moderate level of skill in
literally anything,

488
00:23:51.150 --> 00:23:55.200
fucking sign me up,
[LAUGHTER] honest to God.

489
00:23:55.220 --> 00:24:03.190
I feel like a man if I see like
a man leaf-blowing, [LAUGHTER]
if the man like knows like the
right

490
00:24:03.210 --> 00:24:07.089
oil that has like a low smoke
point to cook a steak, what,
what...

491
00:24:07.109 --> 00:24:13.059
If a man can fold a fitted
bedsheet [LAUGHTER] bellissimo,
yeah.

492
00:24:15.190 --> 00:24:18.210
I genuinely think that men with
this shit together could be
quite a popular porn category.

493
00:24:18.230 --> 00:24:23.130
That would be [LAUGHTER] insane.

494
00:24:23.150 --> 00:24:25.019
I met a guy the other day
who could drive a boat.

495
00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:28.109
I'm sorry, what? [LAUGHTER]

496
00:24:28.130 --> 00:24:29.130
What the fuck are
you talking about?

497
00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:32.009
That is the coolest thing ever.

498
00:24:32.029 --> 00:24:37.170
It was like, I tell you what,
his name was Calum, let's call
Calum [LAUGHTER]

499
00:24:37.190 --> 00:24:40.029
But his name might not
be Calum [LAUGHTER].

500
00:24:40.190 --> 00:24:42.210
And he shit.

501
00:24:42.230 --> 00:24:43.029
Shit.

502
00:24:45.019 --> 00:24:47.220
And he was I don't want to say
ugly, that's a very, that's a
very

503
00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:51.109
[LAUGHTER] that's a
very strong word.

504
00:24:51.130 --> 00:24:51.160
It's hard to describe
what he looked like.

505
00:24:53.230 --> 00:24:59.069
Do you know that do you know
that bit in an apricot that goes
in? [LAUGHTER]

506
00:24:59.089 --> 00:25:02.069
Do you know that little bit,
that little divot, that little ?

507
00:25:02.089 --> 00:25:05.089
That times two were
his eye sockets, okay.

508
00:25:05.109 --> 00:25:09.009
[LAUGHTER] Little wrap-around
pair of Dirty Dogs covering that
shit up.

509
00:25:09.029 --> 00:25:13.160
His face was symmetrical but
in a bad way, yeah [LAUGHTER].

510
00:25:15.190 --> 00:25:20.099
So, he wasn't like my type but
by the end of that hour long
boat ride

511
00:25:20.119 --> 00:25:23.089
I wanted to fuck Calum,
okay [LAUGHTER].

512
00:25:23.109 --> 00:25:25.140
Because if he can drive one it's
the sexiest thing I could ima

513
00:25:25.160 --> 00:25:28.029
Can anyone drive a boat
in the crowd tonight?

514
00:25:28.049 --> 00:25:29.200
Okay [LAUGHTER].

515
00:25:29.220 --> 00:25:31.180
Classy.

516
00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:35.200
That's fucking bullshit cause
there's like three hundred
people in here.

517
00:25:35.220 --> 00:25:40.089
I'm waiting for the day where I
ask that and I just see like a
captain in the crowd

518
00:25:40.109 --> 00:25:45.089
slowly take off his own hat
[LAUGHTER], put it under his
seat.

519
00:25:45.109 --> 00:25:47.200
I want no part of this, you
dirty girl [LAUGHTER].

520
00:25:47.220 --> 00:25:49.039
He'd be right to.

521
00:25:49.059 --> 00:25:51.210
I'd be after him, right, because
if you can drive a boat

522
00:25:51.230 --> 00:25:54.039
I don't care what you look like,
I don't care who you are.

523
00:25:54.059 --> 00:25:58.130
You can have kidnapped me,
you could have kidnapped me

524
00:25:58.150 --> 00:26:04.029
and you're driving me to the
middle of a lake to dump my body

525
00:26:04.049 --> 00:26:07.140
if you're driving the boat I'm
still gonna get some vibes
going.

526
00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:08.069
You know what I mean?

527
00:26:08.089 --> 00:26:10.200
[LAUGHTER] Like

528
00:26:10.220 --> 00:26:11.079
I'd be like, so, do you own the
boat or is it like a shared
thing with friends or...?

529
00:26:14.109 --> 00:26:16.049
I love it, love these cushions,
vinyl, wipe down easy, that's
great, that's great.

530
00:26:16.069 --> 00:26:19.160
[LAUGHTER] That's what you do.

531
00:26:19.180 --> 00:26:22.000
Do you have a Bluetooth
speaker or ?

532
00:26:22.019 --> 00:26:23.009
It's horrible, like I'm a flu

533
00:26:23.029 --> 00:26:24.079
I'm a floos [LAUGHTER].

534
00:26:25.220 --> 00:26:28.049
No one said that word for
twenty years [LAUGHTER].

535
00:26:30.109 --> 00:26:32.200
But it's the most accurate
description, I'm such a floos.

536
00:26:32.220 --> 00:26:35.180
I've got such an obsessive
energy when it comes to guys I
think.

537
00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:38.200
And I don't know
where it comes from.

538
00:26:38.220 --> 00:26:42.230
But I can pinpoint when these
feelings started I think, and I
feel like all these obsessive

539
00:26:43.009 --> 00:26:46.079
feelings about guys and even
just obsessive feelings in
general I can pinpoint

540
00:26:46.099 --> 00:26:50.000
those started around the ages of
like ten or eleven for me.

541
00:26:50.019 --> 00:26:53.119
And I was writing the show,
obviously the penny dropped,
obviously that coincides with

542
00:26:53.140 --> 00:26:57.210
another huge moment in my life,
which was for me the beginning
of puberty, right.

543
00:26:57.230 --> 00:27:01.160
So obviously there was a
connection between these
obsessive feelings and, you know

544
00:27:01.180 --> 00:27:04.029
starting that journey of
discovering one's sexuality,
right?

545
00:27:04.049 --> 00:27:07.170
So, I want to do this thing.

546
00:27:07.190 --> 00:27:10.220
I think you guys will be up for
it, I want to take us back in
time.

547
00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:14.200
I want to take us on a little
time travel trip, if that is
okay with you guys?

548
00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:20.150
I'm gonna take you back to the
ancient year of 2005, okay.

549
00:27:20.170 --> 00:27:25.160
We've got a few visual aids
here for you [LAUGHTER].

550
00:27:25.180 --> 00:27:30.009
And also we've got some audio
kind of, to kind of key you back
into 2005, alright?

551
00:27:30.029 --> 00:27:32.000
[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]
2005, are we there?

552
00:27:32.019 --> 00:27:32.119
Are we there?

553
00:27:32.140 --> 00:27:34.099
Alright.

554
00:27:34.119 --> 00:27:39.140
2005, the OC makes its broadcast
premiere on New Zealand
television

555
00:27:39.160 --> 00:27:42.019
the very same year I get my
first period, coincidence?

556
00:27:42.039 --> 00:27:45.210
Hell no! [LAUGHTER]

557
00:27:45.230 --> 00:27:49.140
I got my first period at a
school camp, of all places, I
remember my friend

558
00:27:49.160 --> 00:27:53.109
Sophie Smith was standing
outside the toilet cubicle when
it happened, I started crying

559
00:27:53.130 --> 00:27:57.089
and she started laughing because
she thought I was doing a
hilarious gag.

560
00:27:57.109 --> 00:28:00.170
So, not only a big day for me
where I became a woman, but also
a crack-up entertainer.

561
00:28:00.190 --> 00:28:03.180
Uh, [LAUGHTER] first gag, right.

562
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:07.109
And it was such an interesting
time to kind of start this
journey because 2005

563
00:28:07.130 --> 00:28:10.109
it was the era of which I can
only accurately describe to you
guys

564
00:28:10.130 --> 00:28:14.220
as the era of the
early 2000s Internet.

565
00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:18.049
Does anyone remember the
early 2000s Internet?

566
00:28:18.069 --> 00:28:20.099
Yes, a murmur of
recognition there.

567
00:28:20.119 --> 00:28:24.130
Oh my God, do you remember it
was fucking crazy, okay
[LAUGHTER].

568
00:28:24.150 --> 00:28:28.019
It was entirely
unsupervised, wasn't it?

569
00:28:28.039 --> 00:28:31.079
Our parents didn't know what the
fuck we were up to on the
internet.

570
00:28:31.099 --> 00:28:33.190
It was like the wild, wild
west out there [LAUGHTER]

571
00:28:33.210 --> 00:28:36.119
We could do whatever
the fuck we wanted to

572
00:28:36.140 --> 00:28:39.150
as long as our parents didn't
need to use the phone,
[LAUGHTER] it was okay then.

573
00:28:41.069 --> 00:28:41.210
It was nuts.

574
00:28:43.079 --> 00:28:45.119
I thought it was a mad shit,
I invented the dark web.

575
00:28:45.140 --> 00:28:48.059
I invented the dark
web [LAUGHTER],

576
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:52.119
That was me, it was an accident,
I started a guild on Neopets
[LAUGHTER]

577
00:28:52.140 --> 00:28:54.069
and then everybody
just kept joining.

578
00:28:54.089 --> 00:28:59.029
I was like, oh, this is the dark
web now, that's [LAUGHTER]

579
00:28:59.049 --> 00:29:04.059
And when I was a teenager, I
think deeper into the 2000s it
was an even more specific,

580
00:29:04.079 --> 00:29:07.230
period of time where I think
technologically two generations

581
00:29:08.009 --> 00:29:10.109
were very much
overlapping each other.

582
00:29:10.130 --> 00:29:14.039
So, for a brief moment in the
2000s, I don't know if anyone
remembers this

583
00:29:14.059 --> 00:29:19.079
there was one year where we all
owned mobile phones, yeah.

584
00:29:19.099 --> 00:29:22.000
But we all still owned
digital cameras as well.

585
00:29:22.019 --> 00:29:23.009
[LAUGHTER]

586
00:29:23.029 --> 00:29:24.160
Do you remember that one year?

587
00:29:24.180 --> 00:29:26.000
I was all over that shit as
well, I was all over it.

588
00:29:26.019 --> 00:29:30.220
[MUSIC PLAYS]

589
00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:31.210
Kercha!

590
00:29:33.230 --> 00:29:34.150
Yes!

591
00:29:39.109 --> 00:29:40.230
So, that was me.

592
00:29:44.140 --> 00:29:49.160
I was, a horny teenager with
access to the early unsupervised
Internet

593
00:29:49.180 --> 00:29:52.039
The world was my oyster.

594
00:29:52.059 --> 00:29:59.049
The only problem was that boys
did not like me [LAUGHTER].

595
00:29:59.069 --> 00:30:01.210
I really had to sing that to get
the pain of the statement,
right.

596
00:30:01.230 --> 00:30:03.160
And, it's true, boys
just did not like me.

597
00:30:03.180 --> 00:30:04.109
I was into

598
00:30:04.130 --> 00:30:06.099
I was very unpopular with boys.

599
00:30:06.119 --> 00:30:08.190
I think it was because
of a number of reasons.

600
00:30:08.210 --> 00:30:13.170
I had curly hair, I had curly
hair as a teenager, still do
[LAUGHTER]

601
00:30:13.190 --> 00:30:18.029
But it was a problem because I
think at the time in the 2000s
like sleek

602
00:30:18.049 --> 00:30:21.009
really straight hair was kind of
the fashion, and it really it
kind of makes me happy

603
00:30:21.029 --> 00:30:23.230
because I think now curly hair
is having a real resurgence.

604
00:30:24.009 --> 00:30:25.210
Everyone's very positive about
curly hair, it's fantastic.

605
00:30:25.230 --> 00:30:27.220
Yeah, it's fantastic.
[CHEERING]

606
00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:30.140
But okay, that might come from
someone who has curly hair
themselves, right?

607
00:30:30.160 --> 00:30:37.039
[LAUGHTER] I wanna know, I still
feel like, as a curly-haired
person in this era,

608
00:30:37.059 --> 00:30:42.019
I feel like there's an air of
condescension behind some of the
compliments you get for your
curly hair.

609
00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:43.180
There always is, because
it always comes from

610
00:30:43.200 --> 00:30:46.180
someone who does not possess
curly hair themselves, okay.

611
00:30:46.200 --> 00:30:50.180
So it'd always be like a
middle-aged woman who's like,
Rose, oh, my God, I lo

612
00:30:50.200 --> 00:30:53.180
I love your curls, I love
your curls [LAUGHTER].

613
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:58.009
Ooh, they look gorgeous and you
know what you are so brave, you
are so brave.

614
00:30:58.029 --> 00:30:59.230
It takes guts to do what you do.

615
00:31:00.009 --> 00:31:01.130
Yeah, and I'm like, it takes
guts to do what?

616
00:31:01.150 --> 00:31:03.000
And they're like, you
know, argh! [LAUGHTER]

617
00:31:03.019 --> 00:31:05.000
Argh, be ugly.

618
00:31:05.019 --> 00:31:08.019
Uh, [LAUGHTER] you go,
you go, girlfriend.

619
00:31:08.039 --> 00:31:11.059
And I think it was the curly
hair, it was also like as a
teenager

620
00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:15.059
I so I had flat feet as a
teenager, it was that, it was
that

621
00:31:15.079 --> 00:31:15.089
and nothing to do with my
personality, okay [LAUGHTER].

622
00:31:19.009 --> 00:31:21.170
I have genetically flat feet as
well, I don't know if anyone
else has that.

623
00:31:21.190 --> 00:31:22.220
It's horrible.

624
00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:26.029
I've had that since birth.

625
00:31:26.049 --> 00:31:28.220
But that wasn't something my
parents cared to fill me in on,
right?

626
00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:33.230
I had to find out that I have
completely flat feet at school,

627
00:31:34.009 --> 00:31:36.130
getting out of the
school swimming pool,

628
00:31:36.150 --> 00:31:40.069
walking to the girls changing
rooms and just hearing one girls
scream

629
00:31:40.089 --> 00:31:43.160
whose footprints are
those?! [LAUGHTER]

630
00:31:48.039 --> 00:31:50.130
So that was chill, that
was chill as hell, right.

631
00:31:50.150 --> 00:31:51.079
What?

632
00:31:55.190 --> 00:31:58.170
I will say this, I had a really,
as a teenager I had a really bad
case

633
00:31:58.190 --> 00:32:02.119
of resting bitchface
as a teenage girl,

634
00:32:02.140 --> 00:32:07.059
and I wasn't even using that
term as an adult because
obviously it's a horrible term

635
00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:11.119
because it's inherently
gendered, right, people only
describe women as having

636
00:32:11.140 --> 00:32:14.099
resting bitchface because people
only describe women as being
bitches.

637
00:32:14.119 --> 00:32:16.160
Nobody describes a
man as being a bitch

638
00:32:16.180 --> 00:32:18.089
no matter how hard I try to get
that off the ground, okay
[LAUGHTER].

639
00:32:19.180 --> 00:32:22.170
Call a man a bitch tonight
alright, start some shit.

640
00:32:22.190 --> 00:32:25.109
But it's rooted in this fucked
up expectation that women should
always be

641
00:32:25.130 --> 00:32:29.130
smiling and laughing and looking
approachable to men.

642
00:32:29.150 --> 00:32:34.039
But for men, the exact opposite
is true because resting
bitchface, that's your default
face, fellas.

643
00:32:34.059 --> 00:32:35.210
I hate to tell you,
right [LAUGHTER].

644
00:32:38.039 --> 00:32:42.130
But and I hate the double
standard of that, but part of
me, honestly part of me deep
down

645
00:32:42.150 --> 00:32:47.180
is kind of okay with it because
I do prefer it to the
alternative because I think we
can

646
00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:52.150
all agree that there is nothing
more terrifying than a man who
is constantly smiling, okay,
fellas.

647
00:32:52.170 --> 00:32:55.049
[LAUGHTER] Far more
disconcerting.

648
00:32:55.069 --> 00:32:58.000
When I see a man who's always
smiling I get the same feeling
in the pit of my stomach

649
00:32:58.019 --> 00:33:02.089
I feel when I see a dolphin
smile [LAUGHTER], I don't know
if anyone else has seen one.

650
00:33:02.109 --> 00:33:03.170
Has anyone seen a
dolphin smile recently?

651
00:33:03.190 --> 00:33:05.200
It's fucking terrifying, okay.

652
00:33:05.220 --> 00:33:07.150
I don't trust anything
where you can see

653
00:33:07.170 --> 00:33:10.000
all of its teeth at the same
time when it smiles, right, it's
horrible.

654
00:33:10.019 --> 00:33:16.059
[MUSIC PLAYS] It's

655
00:33:23.049 --> 00:33:29.019
I mean, that took four hours to
edit [LAUGHTER], worth it?

656
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:29.220
No.

657
00:33:33.039 --> 00:33:37.059
Sweet, that's what I thought it
was, the curly hair and the flat
feet

658
00:33:37.079 --> 00:33:41.000
and the resting bitchface, that
meant that didn't have a
boyfriend as a teenager.

659
00:33:41.019 --> 00:33:46.140
That was until my friends from
school came and saw this show
and they were like, Rose,

660
00:33:46.160 --> 00:33:49.230
I don't know if it was like the
curly hair or the flat feet, I
think it was the

661
00:33:50.009 --> 00:33:56.130
fact that you brought a leather
briefcase to school [LAUGHTER]
every day for four years.

662
00:33:58.190 --> 00:33:59.170
And I was like, I don't see
the connection there, like

663
00:33:59.190 --> 00:34:02.119
[LAUGHTER]

664
00:34:02.140 --> 00:34:05.220
I had one ace up my sleeve
though, with boys, impressing
boys as a teenage girl

665
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:10.119
and that was when I was a big
movie fan, I was a big film nerd
as a teenage girl

666
00:34:10.139 --> 00:34:14.030
and I'll tell you this for free,
what is so true is that teenage
boys

667
00:34:14.050 --> 00:34:18.050
are fucking thick as
shit, right [LAUGHTER].

668
00:34:18.070 --> 00:34:24.000
And they are so easily impressed
by any teenage girl who knows
literally anything about any

669
00:34:24.019 --> 00:34:28.210
film ever made, or like any like
album ever created, because
they're, they're dumbasses

670
00:34:28.230 --> 00:34:33.199
and they almost think that you
grew up in like an alternate
universe where you

671
00:34:33.219 --> 00:34:38.159
didn't ingest all the same
fucking pop culture that they
did, like as a teenage girl.

672
00:34:38.179 --> 00:34:41.190
So I'd always have the same boys
all the time, they'd always come
up to me

673
00:34:41.210 --> 00:34:47.219
and be like, wait, wait, Rose,
are you are you telling me
you've Memento?

674
00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:50.000
[LAUGHTER]

675
00:34:50.019 --> 00:34:50.159
Did you get it?

676
00:34:50.179 --> 00:34:51.090
Did you get it, though?

677
00:34:51.110 --> 00:34:53.090
Did you get it?

678
00:34:53.110 --> 00:34:55.139
And the problem is it was the
only attention I ever got from
boys

679
00:34:55.159 --> 00:34:57.130
I fucking lapped that shit up.

680
00:34:57.150 --> 00:35:00.210
I'd be like, yeah, I have, I
guess I'm not like other girls.

681
00:35:00.230 --> 00:35:02.099
[LAUGHTER].

682
00:35:02.119 --> 00:35:05.050
Just so bad, right.

683
00:35:05.070 --> 00:35:08.170
That is a real tip to any young
girls out there, always say that

684
00:35:08.190 --> 00:35:11.219
youre not like other girls,
because other girls are pieces
of shit,

685
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:13.199
and it's healthy to foster a
sense of distrust within your
community, okay.

686
00:35:13.219 --> 00:35:15.039
[LAUGHTER]

687
00:35:15.059 --> 00:35:15.210
A Cosmo tip for you there.

688
00:35:18.219 --> 00:35:22.010
The raunchiest thing I ever got
literally online, I will tell
you this, is,

689
00:35:22.030 --> 00:35:25.150
this is entirely true, when
I was fourteen years old,

690
00:35:25.170 --> 00:35:28.119
I got kicked off a friend's
Ferdinand message board

691
00:35:28.139 --> 00:35:29.210
[LAUGHTER]

692
00:35:31.139 --> 00:35:32.050
Do you remember Franz
Ferdinand? Yes?

693
00:35:32.070 --> 00:35:34.170
[LAUGHTER] Okay.

694
00:35:34.190 --> 00:35:39.010
I got kicked a friend's
Ferdinand message board because
in the forum I posted a post

695
00:35:39.030 --> 00:35:43.090
saying that I wanted to marry
the lead singer, Alex Kapranos,

696
00:35:43.110 --> 00:35:46.090
and the moderator
kicked me off because

697
00:35:46.110 --> 00:35:48.170
he said it was inappropriate
talk for the forum.

698
00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:53.079
Oooh! [LAUGHTER]

699
00:35:53.099 --> 00:35:56.159
Oh, how I wish I could show that
moderator what the Internet has
become.

700
00:35:56.179 --> 00:35:59.170
[LAUGHTER]

701
00:35:59.190 --> 00:36:03.110
I can watch porn in a library
[LAUGHTER], and I do!

702
00:36:05.150 --> 00:36:07.150
No, that's a joke, the
wi-fi's very weak.

703
00:36:07.170 --> 00:36:11.190
Uh [LAUGHTER] and I that's
actually something I wish, so as
a teenager

704
00:36:11.210 --> 00:36:15.030
I actually never watched porn,
like right, I never touched the
stuff.

705
00:36:15.050 --> 00:36:19.000
You'd think that would be the
first thing horny teenager with
access to the Internet

706
00:36:19.019 --> 00:36:21.010
would run towards, but I never
did, and part of me regrets that
in a way because I feel like...

707
00:36:23.079 --> 00:36:26.059
I feel like if I had I think I
would have had a chance of like,
like maybe like

708
00:36:26.079 --> 00:36:29.119
masturbating at an
earlier age, right.

709
00:36:29.139 --> 00:36:31.179
And that's it's always, all
hap it's all coming out now,
that's

710
00:36:31.199 --> 00:36:34.059
[LAUGHTER]

711
00:36:34.079 --> 00:36:40.110
But what I mean is that I so I
didn't masturbate till I was
eighteen years old

712
00:36:42.050 --> 00:36:43.000
Yeah, you're right to
gasp, but [LAUGHTER] .

713
00:36:44.110 --> 00:36:45.050
Eightee eighteen!

714
00:36:46.199 --> 00:36:49.119
Eighteen years old!

715
00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:51.110
Legal age.

716
00:36:51.130 --> 00:36:51.199
Legal age, [LAUGHTER] yeah.

717
00:36:53.010 --> 00:36:53.199
I respect myself.

718
00:36:55.090 --> 00:36:55.219
Eighteen.

719
00:36:57.199 --> 00:37:01.150
The closest thing I ever got to
it was a fucking accident, okay.

720
00:37:01.170 --> 00:37:04.230
That sounds more sinister
than the story. [LAUGHTER]

721
00:37:05.010 --> 00:37:07.050
It was an accident, and I
remember it so clearly

722
00:37:07.070 --> 00:37:09.150
because it was when I
was thirteen years old.

723
00:37:09.170 --> 00:37:12.150
I was walking into my bedroom
and I wasn't looking where I was
going.

724
00:37:12.170 --> 00:37:14.090
[LAUGHTER]

725
00:37:18.039 --> 00:37:24.050
And I bumped into a set of
drawers that were at exact
crotch height.

726
00:37:26.179 --> 00:37:29.210
And I remember bumping into
them softly, walking away.

727
00:37:29.230 --> 00:37:32.030
And just being like, why did
that feel so fucking good,
right?

728
00:37:32.050 --> 00:37:34.130
[LAUGHTER] I did
a spin, I think

729
00:37:34.150 --> 00:37:36.210
I think I'm gonna sha
moan as well, it was crazy.

730
00:37:39.130 --> 00:37:43.000
But it's like as a kid I didn't
understand what the connection
was between those feelings

731
00:37:43.019 --> 00:37:45.230
and what had happened,
right, because I think

732
00:37:46.010 --> 00:37:49.039
I think teenage girls in my
generation or maybe where I grew
up

733
00:37:49.059 --> 00:37:52.079
we were never explicitly
taught how to masturbate,

734
00:37:52.099 --> 00:37:54.079
or even encouraged how to ma
like, you know,

735
00:37:54.099 --> 00:37:57.000
to masturbate or to
explore that, right.

736
00:37:57.019 --> 00:37:59.190
Like that was a big word to get
around it, I think there was
always vague words

737
00:37:59.210 --> 00:38:03.079
like just explore, just explore,
just explore, girls.

738
00:38:03.099 --> 00:38:06.099
Just it's fucking
vague, isn't it?

739
00:38:06.119 --> 00:38:11.110
Just explore your bodies, girls,
just explore, explore your
bodies, like, you know

740
00:38:11.130 --> 00:38:16.150
with old lantern, you know, like
[LAUGHTER] with an old stick and
a hat,

741
00:38:16.170 --> 00:38:20.079
Yeah. You're in the
unknown, right?

742
00:38:20.099 --> 00:38:22.130
I've been exploring this
cavernous pussy for twenty years
[LAUGHTER]

743
00:38:24.090 --> 00:38:25.199
Still haven't found
my own clitoris.

744
00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:28.039
Marco? [LAUGHTER]

745
00:38:32.010 --> 00:38:33.130
And also when it comes
to that stuff, I don't

746
00:38:33.150 --> 00:38:35.079
I'm so bad at it.

747
00:38:35.099 --> 00:38:36.150
I am so bad at it.

748
00:38:36.170 --> 00:38:37.130
I do

749
00:38:37.150 --> 00:38:40.179
I like I, this is tec

750
00:38:40.199 --> 00:38:43.190
I know what to do technically,
yes, [LAUGHTER] don't give me
that, right.

751
00:38:45.210 --> 00:38:50.170
I technically know what to do,
but my problem is that I get so
easily distracted

752
00:38:50.190 --> 00:38:54.030
when I'm on my way to doing it,
that is my main problem.

753
00:38:54.050 --> 00:38:55.219
I'll just be like, so like yes,
let's do it, tonight's the
night, whoa.

754
00:38:57.159 --> 00:38:59.019
It's on.

755
00:38:59.039 --> 00:39:00.210
I'm not saying anything,
if you wanna [LAUGHTER]

756
00:39:00.230 --> 00:39:06.030
Look in the mirror, it's gonna
happen, [LAUGHTER] alright.

757
00:39:06.050 --> 00:39:08.079
And I'll be on my way to doing
it, and then suddenly just like
a random thought

758
00:39:08.099 --> 00:39:10.190
will just pop into my
head, so I'll be re

759
00:39:10.210 --> 00:39:13.019
I'll be there, ready, about to
do it and then suddenly I'll
just be like

760
00:39:13.039 --> 00:39:15.190
what ever happened
to Keane? [LAUGHTER]

761
00:39:16.179 --> 00:39:17.219
Remember Keane?

762
00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:21.010
Then I'll start
googling Keane, right.

763
00:39:21.030 --> 00:39:23.000
Then I'll start seeing when
their summer tour dates are and
shit.

764
00:39:23.019 --> 00:39:25.179
Then I'll try and go
back to having a wank.

765
00:39:25.199 --> 00:39:29.039
Do you know how hard
it is to have a wank

766
00:39:29.059 --> 00:39:31.059
when you're still
thinking about Keane?

767
00:39:31.079 --> 00:39:32.119
It's incredibly hard.

768
00:39:32.139 --> 00:39:43.039
[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]

769
00:39:47.030 --> 00:39:49.090
Also, I know that's not
how you do it [LAUGHTER].

770
00:39:52.130 --> 00:39:54.099
Just a light tap, yeah, light
tap over denim, you know, no,
I'm done [LAUGHTER].

771
00:39:58.059 --> 00:39:58.159
That's good for me, right.

772
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:01.059
A light tap over denim.

773
00:40:04.170 --> 00:40:09.119
So, I guess what I'm trying to
say is that I think there is
just a fundamental difference

774
00:40:09.139 --> 00:40:13.050
when it came to horniness as a
teenage girl compared to being a
teenage boy, right?

775
00:40:13.070 --> 00:40:17.090
I just think it was just
inherently different, I think if
you happen to have

776
00:40:17.110 --> 00:40:23.099
a thing, yeah, and it's there
and it is jutting out and is
[LAUGHTER].

777
00:40:23.119 --> 00:40:26.010
and you do stuff to it
and the stuff escapes

778
00:40:30.019 --> 00:40:34.070
I have had sex before, I do
wanna just reiterate that.

779
00:40:34.090 --> 00:40:38.050
But that is a more
straightforward solve to
feelings of horniness, right.

780
00:40:38.070 --> 00:40:41.039
But I feel like with girls
sometimes it's like a lot more
complicated.

781
00:40:41.059 --> 00:40:44.119
It's like emotionally
complex horniness, right.

782
00:40:44.139 --> 00:40:49.039
Like, like for instance when I
was a teenage girl and I had a
crush on a teenage boy

783
00:40:49.059 --> 00:40:52.159
I didn't imagine what
his dick looked like.

784
00:40:52.179 --> 00:40:56.039
I made a fucking collage, you
know what I mean [LAUGHTER],
like okay,

785
00:40:56.059 --> 00:40:57.150
what are these feelings, right?

786
00:40:59.219 --> 00:41:05.030
Okay, so I got to the age of
eighteen years old and I finally
achieved what I think I'd been

787
00:41:05.050 --> 00:41:08.079
yearning for all throughout my
teenage years was that I finally
got a boyfriend, yes,

788
00:41:08.099 --> 00:41:10.079
ooh, yes, urgh.

789
00:41:10.099 --> 00:41:13.110
Thanks, oh, do not whoop
just yet, okay [LAUGHTER].

790
00:41:13.130 --> 00:41:15.050
Cause what that started,
unbeknownst to me,

791
00:41:15.070 --> 00:41:17.179
was this almost this domino
effect of back-to-back

792
00:41:17.199 --> 00:41:20.090
long-term relationships with
not many gaps in between,

793
00:41:20.110 --> 00:41:22.159
between the ages of
eighteen to twenty-five.

794
00:41:22.179 --> 00:41:25.210
I told you I fucking go
hard or I go home, yeah.

795
00:41:25.230 --> 00:41:30.170
Another true thing about me is
that out of the last five people
I have kissed,

796
00:41:30.190 --> 00:41:33.099
I have then entered
relationships with four of those
people

797
00:41:33.119 --> 00:41:34.210
cause I am not smart [LAUGHTER].

798
00:41:37.099 --> 00:41:39.010
And that's what I do,
I just throw myself

799
00:41:39.030 --> 00:41:42.079
head first into these situations
into relationships,

800
00:41:42.099 --> 00:41:45.019
and my friends they think they
know me better than me.

801
00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:47.139
They're like, Rose, you know
what your problem is, what your
problem is,

802
00:41:47.159 --> 00:41:50.079
is that you're scared of being
alone, it's cause you're scared
of being alone.

803
00:41:50.099 --> 00:41:52.170
And what's very interesting is
that it's actually not that.

804
00:41:52.190 --> 00:41:55.159
What it actually is, is it's
actually something different

805
00:41:55.179 --> 00:42:00.050
that I can't quite
pinpoint right now.

806
00:42:00.070 --> 00:42:03.210
But there is something there,
and maybe I'll explore that
another day

807
00:42:03.230 --> 00:42:05.010
in another show, but it is
actually quite personal, so
don't

808
00:42:05.030 --> 00:42:05.070
stop asking questions
about it. [LAUGHTER]

809
00:42:07.130 --> 00:42:07.190
That's obviously a joke.

810
00:42:10.119 --> 00:42:14.019
I am obviously self-aware enough
to know, you know what it is.

811
00:42:14.039 --> 00:42:16.219
But sometimes it's hard to put
into examples that are quite
relatable to people.

812
00:42:17.000 --> 00:42:19.150
So I will, I'll give it a go,
what I'm trying to

813
00:42:19.170 --> 00:42:24.019
I guess what I'm trying to say
is, do you know that feeling
when you

814
00:42:24.039 --> 00:42:27.059
love someone so much, but you
know that you can't be with that
person

815
00:42:27.079 --> 00:42:29.150
but you know that that love for
that person can't just disappear

816
00:42:29.170 --> 00:42:32.079
it can't just like
evaporate from your body.

817
00:42:32.099 --> 00:42:35.070
It has to exist within your body
for the rest of your life,
almost like in a crystallized
form

818
00:42:35.090 --> 00:42:37.059
at the bottom of your stomach,
it's almost like You put a
Horcrux in that person

819
00:42:37.079 --> 00:42:39.210
and that person's put a Horcrux
in you, and you live the rest of
your life knowing that

820
00:42:39.230 --> 00:42:42.230
you're gonna love that person in
a really deep, important way,
unlike anyone else

821
00:42:43.010 --> 00:42:43.219
you'll ever love in your life,
but will just live inside you
for the rest your life

822
00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:45.030
and never go away.

823
00:42:45.050 --> 00:42:47.199
Do you know what
I'm ? [LAUGHTER]

824
00:42:47.219 --> 00:42:49.219
Is that relatable?

825
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:52.070
I did try and turn that into a
meme, but that didn't really
imply [LAUGHTER] that's

826
00:42:52.090 --> 00:42:53.039
is that not relatable?

827
00:42:55.059 --> 00:42:57.230
We are selling our t-shirts and
tote bags as well, so I
don't [LAUGHTER] is that

828
00:42:58.010 --> 00:42:59.130
am I gonna lose money on that?

829
00:42:59.150 --> 00:43:00.210
Is that not relatable?

830
00:43:01.110 --> 00:43:02.019
Okay.

831
00:43:02.150 --> 00:43:03.179
[LAUGHTER]

832
00:43:03.199 --> 00:43:05.150
That's fine.

833
00:43:05.170 --> 00:43:08.070
I think maybe this, okay, maybe
this isn't relatable, but I
think

834
00:43:08.090 --> 00:43:10.070
this is what it is for me, and
it might relate to someone

835
00:43:10.090 --> 00:43:13.199
but I think that what my
thing is, is that I'm more

836
00:43:13.219 --> 00:43:17.019
I am more in love with the idea
of being in love more than the
reality of it.

837
00:43:17.039 --> 00:43:18.219
That is it.

838
00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:22.070
I am more in love with the
concept of being in love, rather
than the reality of it.

839
00:43:22.090 --> 00:43:23.070
It's the same approach I
take to baths [LAUGHTER].

840
00:43:28.159 --> 00:43:33.219
And you know what I mean by
that, like the idea of a bath
it's fucking incredible.

841
00:43:34.000 --> 00:43:39.099
But the reality of a bath is
that you are hot [LAUGHTER] and
you're wet

842
00:43:39.119 --> 00:43:40.230
and you're alone with
your thoughts, okay.

843
00:43:41.010 --> 00:43:42.199
[LAUGHTER].

844
00:43:42.219 --> 00:43:46.079
And that is literal
hell to me, right.

845
00:43:46.099 --> 00:43:50.050
I go into a set of negative
meditation when I get to a a
therapist is like

846
00:43:50.070 --> 00:43:51.139
that just sounds like
mild depression.

847
00:43:51.159 --> 00:43:53.139
And I was like potato,
potato [LAUGHTER].

848
00:43:53.159 --> 00:43:54.099
Same deal.

849
00:43:56.030 --> 00:43:56.039
All about MD, a little
house MD [LAUGHTER].

850
00:44:00.199 --> 00:44:01.110
Mild depresso.

851
00:44:04.190 --> 00:44:07.010
I go to my therapist a lot and
it's so funny cause most of the
things I talk

852
00:44:07.030 --> 00:44:09.150
to her about are usually
about relationships

853
00:44:09.170 --> 00:44:12.170
cause I think that's what stems
most of my anxieties and stuff.

854
00:44:12.190 --> 00:44:15.090
And she says the same thing to
me every time, every single
time.

855
00:44:15.110 --> 00:44:19.000
She's like, Rose, Ro, what your
pro what your problem is, is
that

856
00:44:19.019 --> 00:44:21.030
you're obsessed with things that
have happened in the past

857
00:44:21.050 --> 00:44:22.139
and things that might
happen in the future.

858
00:44:22.159 --> 00:44:24.150
But you're never
just in the moment.

859
00:44:24.170 --> 00:44:26.210
That's you're never just
living in the moment.

860
00:44:26.230 --> 00:44:28.130
So, all you've gotta do, all
you've gotta do, all you've
gotta do is you've gotta do

861
00:44:28.150 --> 00:44:32.170
you live in the moment, you've
gotta live in the moment, Rose.

862
00:44:32.190 --> 00:44:34.230
And every time I hear that I'm
like, that's incredible advice,
thank you so much for that.

863
00:44:35.010 --> 00:44:37.170
What sage, wise advise.

864
00:44:37.190 --> 00:44:41.099
And then another part of me,
very deep down, thinks, how am I
paying you

865
00:44:41.119 --> 00:44:47.090
sixty fucking British pounds
[LAUGHTER] to tell me

866
00:44:47.110 --> 00:44:53.059
something I could buy on the
front of a fucking notebook from
Prime Art?

867
00:44:53.079 --> 00:44:54.130
Fucking live in
the moment, girl.

868
00:44:55.099 --> 00:44:56.000
Like what?

869
00:44:56.019 --> 00:44:57.150
[APPLAUSE] So what, man?

870
00:44:59.039 --> 00:44:59.230
You don't need to clap,
you don't need to clap.

871
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:03.219
But it's true you're a fucking
medical professional.

872
00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:05.090
What the fuck is wrong with you?

873
00:45:05.110 --> 00:45:07.119
And she's like so wrong
about so many things.

874
00:45:07.139 --> 00:45:10.179
She also said, after last
long-term relationship I got out
of

875
00:45:10.199 --> 00:45:13.199
all of the feelings of like
euphoria and all these happy
feelings

876
00:45:13.219 --> 00:45:16.079
I was describing to her she
would actually technically
describe

877
00:45:16.099 --> 00:45:18.139
that as mania [LAUGHTER] and I
was like, I don't know what
you're talking about,

878
00:45:18.159 --> 00:45:21.159
I feel amazing! [LAUGHTER]

879
00:45:21.179 --> 00:45:22.150
So, I got rid of her.

880
00:45:26.130 --> 00:45:31.090
Cause she just didn't she
wasn't on my wavelength, but she
was right

881
00:45:31.110 --> 00:45:34.039
about one thing, and I will
give her this, and that she

882
00:45:34.059 --> 00:45:37.099
I do, I do obsess over things
that haven't necessarily
happened yet,

883
00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:40.039
I do obsess about scenarios
that haven't happened yet

884
00:45:40.059 --> 00:45:41.190
because I like to prepare
for the worst, right.

885
00:45:41.210 --> 00:45:45.099
And I do have this
recurring fantasy about,

886
00:45:45.119 --> 00:45:46.150
it's like an awesome
scenario to like workshop

887
00:45:46.170 --> 00:45:48.190
if anyone is interested.

888
00:45:48.210 --> 00:45:54.099
It's the scenario of me finding
out that my ex-boyfriend is
seeing someone new.

889
00:45:54.119 --> 00:45:56.010
that is like it's delicious,
you should try it.

890
00:45:56.030 --> 00:45:58.099
It's because I wa

891
00:45:58.119 --> 00:46:02.039
I practice it because when that
happens, I want to be fucking
glamorous as hell

892
00:46:02.059 --> 00:46:04.000
when it happens
[LAUGHTER], right.

893
00:46:04.019 --> 00:46:06.179
I want to be like Katharine
Hepburn when that bombshell
drops,

894
00:46:06.199 --> 00:46:08.099
and I've thought about it to
like the smallest detail.

895
00:46:08.119 --> 00:46:09.230
Like it's crazy.

896
00:46:10.010 --> 00:46:12.130
Like ideally, I'll show you,
I'll just show you.

897
00:46:12.150 --> 00:46:16.159
Ideally when it happens, I'll
be holding something, right.

898
00:46:16.179 --> 00:46:18.219
Like I'll be like doing the
dishes or doing like a little
bit...

899
00:46:19.000 --> 00:46:20.159
like ittle bit of
chores or something.

900
00:46:20.179 --> 00:46:26.000
And so, as soon as the person,
like my friend tells me that my
ex-boyfriend

901
00:46:26.019 --> 00:46:27.170
is seeing someone new, this is
exactly how I'll react.

902
00:46:27.190 --> 00:46:28.130
I have practiced this, okay.

903
00:46:34.079 --> 00:46:37.070
Eliza? [LAUGHTER]

904
00:46:43.230 --> 00:46:46.099
What a lovely name. [LAUGHTER]

905
00:46:49.219 --> 00:46:51.090
I must send a telegram.

906
00:46:51.110 --> 00:46:52.010
You know what I
mean? [LAUGHTER]

907
00:46:52.030 --> 00:46:53.119
It's just

908
00:46:53.139 --> 00:46:55.079
[APPLAUSE] It's just
don't clap that, don't.

909
00:46:57.159 --> 00:46:58.219
Don't clap it because it's
actually not okay, right.

910
00:47:00.139 --> 00:47:03.010
You're enablers if you
clap, right, that's

911
00:47:03.030 --> 00:47:05.130
cause that's not normal
behaviour and it never happens.

912
00:47:05.150 --> 00:47:07.170
You can't plan how
that's gonna happen.

913
00:47:07.190 --> 00:47:10.130
It always happens in the
worst possible situation.

914
00:47:10.150 --> 00:47:12.210
It always happens on your
fucking on a bus on the way to
West London.

915
00:47:12.230 --> 00:47:14.050
You're about to get your hair
cut and you cry all the way

916
00:47:14.070 --> 00:47:15.130
through the haircut and you
have to pretend

917
00:47:15.150 --> 00:47:17.099
you're allergic to a hairdryer,
okay [LAUGHTER].

918
00:47:17.119 --> 00:47:19.150
That's how it happens.

919
00:47:19.170 --> 00:47:23.219
Is that example too
specific? [LAUGHTER]

920
00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:26.019
And my friends tell me, they're
like, Rose, Ro, you are

921
00:47:26.039 --> 00:47:28.179
twenty-seven years old, you have
to have the emotional maturity

922
00:47:28.199 --> 00:47:31.210
to let someone move
on with their life.

923
00:47:31.230 --> 00:47:37.039
And I say, sorry, sorry, are you
you are talking to a woman who
has no fewer

924
00:47:37.059 --> 00:47:44.079
than three full pint glasses of
old water on her nightstand at
any given moment,

925
00:47:44.099 --> 00:47:48.179
you think I possess the maturity
to let someone move on with
their lives?

926
00:47:48.199 --> 00:47:53.099
And especially at a time like
this, at a time like this where
I think if the Internet was

927
00:47:53.119 --> 00:47:58.090
something that actively helped
us as teenagers like discover
our sexualities and all that,

928
00:47:58.110 --> 00:48:02.010
it's something that actively
like hinders us as adults to get
over someone,

929
00:48:02.030 --> 00:48:02.210
to like fall out of
love with someone.

930
00:48:02.230 --> 00:48:03.230
Like if it

931
00:48:04.010 --> 00:48:05.090
I am

932
00:48:05.110 --> 00:48:09.019
I'm fine by the way [LAUGHTER],
you're really crazy.

933
00:48:09.039 --> 00:48:13.110
But has anyone, I'll ask this,
has anyone in the room had to go
through a breakup

934
00:48:13.130 --> 00:48:16.230
in the age of Facebook
memories? [LAUGHTER]

935
00:48:17.010 --> 00:48:17.119
Why would you wanna do that?

936
00:48:17.139 --> 00:48:18.079
Because I

937
00:48:18.210 --> 00:48:18.230
I

938
00:48:21.059 --> 00:48:24.230
I'll tell you this much, when
you're going through a break-up,
Facebook memories is essentially

939
00:48:25.010 --> 00:48:28.190
an abusive friendship, yeah
[LAUGHTER], cause it's the
equivalent of someone coming
over

940
00:48:28.210 --> 00:48:32.219
to your house and being like,
hey, here you go, is that oh my
God, I made you a

941
00:48:33.000 --> 00:48:34.050
photo album of you and your
boyfriend's trip to America
three years ago.

942
00:48:35.210 --> 00:48:38.000
Why are you crying? [LAUGHTER]

943
00:48:38.019 --> 00:48:38.159
Are you okay, girl?

944
00:48:38.179 --> 00:48:40.010
Are you

945
00:48:40.030 --> 00:48:41.019
Oh my oh, you broke
up years ago?

946
00:48:43.210 --> 00:48:47.079
Oh, how could I not know that
since I had access to almost all
of your personal information?

947
00:48:47.099 --> 00:48:49.090
[LAUGHTER]

948
00:48:49.110 --> 00:48:53.030
In fact, fuck you, Facebook, I
don't see how they can't figure
that out.

949
00:48:53.050 --> 00:48:58.039
I don't see how Facebook can
read into my messages and see
when I might be freaking

950
00:48:58.059 --> 00:49:01.199
out to my friends that I might
be pregnant and then target
Clear Blue pregnancy tests

951
00:49:01.219 --> 00:49:05.010
to me the next hour.

952
00:49:05.030 --> 00:49:07.150
But they can't figure out I
fucking broke up with someone
years ago.

953
00:49:07.170 --> 00:49:11.030
I just wanna say, where is
the algorithm for that?

954
00:49:11.050 --> 00:49:13.000
And its anything, it's ev so
every time, it's everything,
it's everything, all

955
00:49:13.019 --> 00:49:13.190
my apps, all my apps got
a clue, clue [LAUGHTER].

956
00:49:16.219 --> 00:49:18.159
My period

957
00:49:18.179 --> 00:49:19.210
I've got a period tracking app,
has anyone, uh, got a period
tracking app?

958
00:49:19.230 --> 00:49:20.070
Anyone?

959
00:49:20.090 --> 00:49:22.030
Yes?

960
00:49:22.050 --> 00:49:24.210
Yes, oh, fuck it, everyone
should have a period tracking
app, it's great.

961
00:49:24.230 --> 00:49:27.170
Use it as a calendar, I don't
know, [LAUGHTER] very sad advent
calendar, right.

962
00:49:27.190 --> 00:49:29.210
[LAUGHTER]

963
00:49:29.230 --> 00:49:33.130
I love my period tracking app,
but I have two problems with it

964
00:49:33.150 --> 00:49:36.159
and the first problem is, and I
will say it, I say this with
love

965
00:49:36.179 --> 00:49:39.090
but sometimes when I'm
updating my period tracking app,

966
00:49:39.110 --> 00:49:42.130
I almost feel like I'm writing
some sort of entry into a
wartime journal.

967
00:49:42.150 --> 00:49:44.170
[LAUGHTER].

968
00:49:44.190 --> 00:49:47.119
Because you know what the
language you have to use with
it?

969
00:49:47.139 --> 00:49:51.099
You'd just be like,
day five. [LAUGHTER]

970
00:49:51.119 --> 00:49:55.170
Still bleeding [LAUGHTER].

971
00:49:55.190 --> 00:49:58.130
I miss my wife so much,
right. [LAUGHTER]

972
00:49:58.150 --> 00:50:01.070
That's what it feels like, but
the second problem I have

973
00:50:01.090 --> 00:50:05.019
and this is true, this has been
proven, your period tracking app

974
00:50:05.039 --> 00:50:08.059
is selling information to your
Instagram account.

975
00:50:08.079 --> 00:50:15.070
So at the height of my menstrual
cycle every month, I am
advertised the same fucking pair

976
00:50:15.090 --> 00:50:21.139
of dungarees I could never pull
off [LAUGHTER], like what is it
that stirs that?

977
00:50:21.159 --> 00:50:24.139
That is someone preying on me at
my most emotionally vulnerable
and it's everything's

978
00:50:24.159 --> 00:50:27.170
bovine! [LAUGHTER]

979
00:50:27.190 --> 00:50:30.019
You know it's bovine
when it feels like,

980
00:50:30.039 --> 00:50:33.170
oh, it's like the top songs of
like a certain year, so be like,
oh, top songs of 2016 or

981
00:50:33.190 --> 00:50:36.139
whatever, and then all those
songs, they remind you of
ex-boyfriends, so you have to
rename

982
00:50:36.159 --> 00:50:39.139
the playlists to something like
crying', [LAUGHTER] but then
you realise that your

983
00:50:39.159 --> 00:50:42.139
profile is public, so all your
friends can see it, so you have
to rename it to something

984
00:50:42.159 --> 00:50:45.159
more inconspicuous like
summer anthems'. [LAUGHTER]

985
00:50:45.179 --> 00:50:47.019
Put palm trees on the side.

986
00:50:48.059 --> 00:50:49.110
Netflix! [LAUGHTER]

987
00:50:53.090 --> 00:50:58.130
Oh my God, do you know when you
like log into Netflix and you're
like, your ex-boyfriend

988
00:50:58.150 --> 00:51:01.030
is still logged into it so
you're like, I'll have a look at
what he's watching.

989
00:51:01.050 --> 00:51:05.019
And so you go in and you see
that he's half way through the
new series of Stranger Things

990
00:51:05.039 --> 00:51:07.139
and you're like, oh, that's so
weird because that was sort of
our thing.

991
00:51:07.159 --> 00:51:11.159
And so what you do is you watch
you six episodes in one night so
you can catch up where he is

992
00:51:11.179 --> 00:51:13.159
so you can like watch at the
same time as him, at the same
pace, even though he's

993
00:51:13.179 --> 00:51:16.139
not talking to you. [LAUGHTER]

994
00:51:16.159 --> 00:51:18.219
So you feel like you're sharing

995
00:51:19.000 --> 00:51:21.130
[LAUGHTER]

996
00:51:29.000 --> 00:51:30.000
That's too specific. [LAUGHTER]

997
00:51:33.230 --> 00:51:37.000
[LAUGHTER]

998
00:51:44.179 --> 00:51:48.000
Well, that's the
show, um [LAUGHTER]

999
00:51:48.019 --> 00:51:49.179
So I think are there any there
aren't any more slides are
there?

1000
00:51:49.199 --> 00:51:50.219
Are there any more slides?

1001
00:51:54.050 --> 00:51:55.170
Sorry, I'm here.

1002
00:51:55.190 --> 00:51:56.199
Yeah.

1003
00:52:01.050 --> 00:52:07.030
Thank you for coming, um,
[LAUGHTER] usually that bit
like, is like an ending where
everyone's

1004
00:52:07.050 --> 00:52:08.159
like, oh, you're like great,
it's so relatable, and like

1005
00:52:08.179 --> 00:52:11.230
[LAUGHTER]

1006
00:52:15.090 --> 00:52:19.010
and then we like end on like a
high [LAUGHTER], but no, that's,
yeah, cool.

1007
00:52:19.030 --> 00:52:21.170
[LAUGHTER]

1008
00:52:26.190 --> 00:52:29.099
So, it's like an it's like
anticlimactic, so [LAUGHTER]

1009
00:52:33.210 --> 00:52:43.130
I guess oh, I guess if there
were a lesson to be learned
[LAUGHTER]

1010
00:52:43.150 --> 00:52:46.219
and there really is a new word

1011
00:52:47.000 --> 00:52:49.159
is that maybe sometimes you put
a hundred percent into something

1012
00:52:49.179 --> 00:52:53.010
and it doesn't work out,
it doesn't work out [LAUGHTER].

1013
00:52:57.039 --> 00:53:00.150
But that doesn't mean it wasn't
worth it, that's not what I
mean.

1014
00:53:00.170 --> 00:53:03.079
Like I don't want that to be the
message of the show, like maybe
I was, maybe was wrong

1015
00:53:03.099 --> 00:53:05.019
at the start of the

1016
00:53:05.039 --> 00:53:08.210
I think maybe I was wrong in the
sense that I feel like it's not
actually what

1017
00:53:11.119 --> 00:53:14.059
it's not actually what you love,
it's actually how you love, you
know, it's like actually

1018
00:53:14.079 --> 00:53:17.210
what kind of person you are and
how you express that love.

1019
00:53:17.230 --> 00:53:20.230
And you can't that's like
that's what has meaning to it.

1020
00:53:21.010 --> 00:53:24.050
And I feel like you can't you
can't change that, you can't
change your personality.

1021
00:53:24.070 --> 00:53:26.130
You can't change the fact that
you're twenty-seven years old,
you're [UNCLEAR]

1022
00:53:26.150 --> 00:53:27.059
So why would you want it?

1023
00:53:27.079 --> 00:53:28.010
Why would you want it?

1024
00:53:28.030 --> 00:53:29.030
Why would you want it?

1025
00:53:29.050 --> 00:53:32.210
I'm fine. [LAUGHTER]

1026
00:53:32.230 --> 00:53:35.230
Why would you want to hold back,
though, from one of those things
that you

1027
00:53:36.010 --> 00:53:39.150
feel like is one of the most
awesome parts of your
personality, cause you throw
yourself

1028
00:53:39.170 --> 00:53:43.230
fully into something, because
like why would you hold back
from doing that at a time like

1029
00:53:44.010 --> 00:53:46.130
thi we're gonna we're gonna
fu we are gonna fucking die in
two years.

1030
00:53:46.150 --> 00:53:48.090
Do you know what I mean?

1031
00:53:48.110 --> 00:53:51.230
Like I heard that on a podcast,
right, so, I know why would you
hold back from

1032
00:53:52.010 --> 00:53:54.150
loving someone with
all of your heart?

1033
00:53:54.170 --> 00:54:01.079
Cause I think like love is like
a high-risk, high-reward
situation,

1034
00:54:01.099 --> 00:54:03.059
isn't it?

1035
00:54:03.079 --> 00:54:07.230
And the more you put in, the
more you stand to get out, you
have to risk something.

1036
00:54:08.010 --> 00:54:13.199
And even if you're going through
the most awful, like horrible
form of heartbreak

1037
00:54:13.219 --> 00:54:19.139
at any point in time all that
means is that at some point you
had the most incredible,

1038
00:54:19.159 --> 00:54:26.150
like amazing form of love as
well, and surely there's meaning
in that.

1039
00:54:26.170 --> 00:54:32.199
And I just think that putting a
hundred percent into something
will always be worth it.

1040
00:54:32.219 --> 00:55:46.150
[MUSIC PLAYS]

1041
00:55:46.170 --> 00:55:51.079
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]

1042
00:56:22.010 --> 00:56:24.139
Oh my God!

1043
00:57:10.059 --> 00:57:12.210
Thank you! Thanks guys.