WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[buzzing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[cheering, applauding]

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[Sam] Holy shit.

6
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What the fuck is up, Atlanta?

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[cheering]

8
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This shit is fuckin' amazing, man.

9
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[cheering]

10
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Wow.

11
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This shit really hit me today.

12
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I was-- I was walking to the venue and,

13
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you know, all the emotions.

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Like, this is my fucking special.

15
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I'm here, I'm doing the shit
that I set out to do

16
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-this whole fuckin' time.
-[cheering]

17
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-You know?
-[applauding]

18
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I was walking down,
and I was-- I was coming...

19
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through the alleyway, and I was like,
"This is really some full-circle shit."

20
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'Cause the last dude I fucked...

21
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I met at a bar right over there.

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[woman cheers]

23
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[chuckles]

24
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The last dick I took,
I met right over there.

25
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[woman] Yeah!

26
00:01:05.315 --> 00:01:07.859
Crazy!
That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa!

27
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[woman yells]

28
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Every time I think about it,
my mind's blown.

29
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Like, "Bitch, you was sucking dicks."

30
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[laughing]

31
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I don't like dicks at all!

32
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Like, I know that for a fact.
I don't like dicks.

33
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I don't even like wearing 'em
when bitches ask me to.

34
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I don't like dicks.

35
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And I was suckin' whole dicks,
just putting 'em in my mouth.

36
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[laughing, applauding]

37
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The shit we'll do to fit in, you know?

38
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[laughs]

39
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I just wanted to be friends
with my friends!

40
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I just wanted to be able to talk
to my peer group.

41
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Like, "Yeah, girl,
the balls are salty like that.

42
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The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl.

43
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It's crazy how salty the balls are."

44
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Suckin' whole dicks... Nutty!

45
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Never was good at it, either.
D-minus dick-sucker.

46
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D-minus.

47
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Never won the dick-suck game.

48
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I had some nights--
I had some Jordan flu game.

49
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"Tonight's the night I ball!"
You know, just go-hard nights.

50
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I have to say that disclaimer 'cause
I'll be like, "I'm a bad dick-sucker,"

51
00:02:16.553 --> 00:02:19.347
and somebody in the crowd'll be like,
"She sucked the shit out my dick!"

52
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I'll be like, "Oh, God dammit!

53
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I did. That night, I did. I did...

54
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do the fuckin' job." [laughs]

55
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Shit is wild, man.

56
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I'm with my girl. I travel everywhere
with my girl, which is stupid.

57
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I bring my girl everywhere
'cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her.

58
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You know, it's annoying.

59
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Like, I'm in love, I'm in love.
This is a woman I've chased.

60
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I'm in love.
I've chased this woman for years.

61
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But also, like,
"Oh, shut the fuck up and go away."

62
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Like, we shouldn't
be taking trips together.

63
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I realized that
that's where I'm fucking up.

64
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We should be going on trips,
but on separate trips.

65
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Like, she goes to Hawaii,
I go to London, then we switch.

66
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You know what I mean?
I go to Hawaii, she goes to London.

67
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So we see the same shit
so we can talk about it later.

68
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We'll have a dialogue,

69
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but we don't actually have to be
in the same fuckin' space.

70
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'Cause that seems to be
creating the problems.

71
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Recently, I went home, back to Boston.
That's where I'm from.

72
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[cheering, applauding]

73
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-I'm a Boston kid, you know?
-[man yells]

74
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But I also don't go back often
because my whole family's there.

75
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[cheering]

76
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Like, all of them. [laughs]

77
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I love 'em, but it's a lot. Know
what I mean? So I try to avoid it.

78
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But I was like, "My girl needs to meet
my people. I'm goin' home."

79
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I take my girl, I go back home.

80
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It was nice at first.
She met my favorite uncle.

81
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He's my favorite 'cause every time
I see him, he asks if I'm still gay.

82
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Which is nice.

83
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Every time I see him, he's like,
"Hey, you still messin' with the ladies?"

84
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Like, one day, I was like,
"Nah, Unc, back suckin' these dicks!

85
00:03:54.734 --> 00:03:56.945
Back on these dicks, partner.
That's what...

86
00:03:59.864 --> 00:04:04.118
Puttin' my mouth on balls again, baby.
That's... how I like to live."

87
00:04:05.203 --> 00:04:07.914
But it was dope.
It was nice for my girl to just see...

88
00:04:07.997 --> 00:04:09.832
where the fuck I come from, you know?

89
00:04:09.916 --> 00:04:11.417
You always want that with your partner.

90
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Just see how I grew up.
See the people that raised me.

91
00:04:14.045 --> 00:04:15.922
Just get to know me a little bit better.

92
00:04:16.005 --> 00:04:19.175
And all of that felt really good.
We was havin' a great time.

93
00:04:19.259 --> 00:04:21.594
I took her out, she met
my friends from high school.

94
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Lot of my homegirls,
they were telling her stories about

95
00:04:24.013 --> 00:04:26.557
how I used to have
my titties out and shit, you know?

96
00:04:26.641 --> 00:04:29.185
Just lettin' her know who I used to be.
Everything was chill.

97
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Everything was comfortable. It felt great.

98
00:04:31.312 --> 00:04:34.399
But it got awkward 'cause I bumped into
the dude I lost my virginity to.

99
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-[man] Oh, shit!
-It was weird, as we look the same now.

100
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[laughs] Like, same outfit, same haircut.
"What's up, nigga? What the fuck you...

101
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What's good with you, cuz?

102
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Fuck you want?"

103
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I saw him before he saw me.
I was like, "Shit, I sucked his dick."

104
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You know, like, I was...
"Oh, my God!" Because, for a dyke,

105
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when you see old dicks you sucked,
they're like hauntings, you know?

106
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It's just like,
"Remember you used to do this?"

107
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Like, "Oh, my God." [laughs]

108
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"Please don't come this fuckin' way."

109
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I was like, "God, I sucked his dick.
What's he gonna do?"

110
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He seen me. At first, he was cool.

111
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He gave me the "you know you sucked
my dick" head nod, kept it moving.

112
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He was just like, "You know what you did."
"I know, I know, I know."

113
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Weird, though, weird to be around my girl,
trying to be the best man I'm gonna be

114
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and then seeing a dick I sucked.

115
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I was like, "I don't like this at all."

116
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Then he said the dumbest thing to me.

117
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We're standing across from each other,
he went, "I just need to say this.

118
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I just hope I'm not the reason...
you're like this."

119
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Like, nigga, what?

120
00:05:40.214 --> 00:05:43.593
You think your 15-year-old dick
swayed me in any direction?

121
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We were fucking kids, man.

122
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We could've been humpin' mattresses,
you know?

123
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Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay
and don't know it. It's possible.

124
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I was a whole gay bitch, didn't know.
People knew before me.

125
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I came out, some of my old friends was
like, "Duh, bitch!" I was like, "Really?

126
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Really? You knew this whole time?

127
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'Cause this whole time, I was
for sure thinkin' I liked dick." I did.

128
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I did! I knew I wasn't enjoying sex.

129
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My homegirls would talk about sex. I was
like, "I don't like it like they like it,"

130
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but I didn't think I didn't like dick.

131
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I just thought,
"I ain't found the right dick yet."

132
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They'd be like, "When you
feel it in your stomach..."

133
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I was like, "Ooh, that's my least
favorite part, when you...

134
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When it hit the stomach,
you know it's really there. You can't--

135
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I don't like that at all."

136
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[chuckles]

137
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But I didn't think I didn't like dick.
I just thought, you know,

138
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"Keep suckin' these dicks.
Concentrate. Work harder.

139
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Focus on the dicks you're suckin'.
Visualize.

140
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You'll fucking get there."

141
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That's why representation matters, man.

142
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It does. It matters. You need
to see yourself in the fuckin' world.

143
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Like, I didn't realize you could be black
and gay and, like, fly and shit.

144
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Like, I'm from Boston, bro.
We didn't have black dykes.

145
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We didn't have black dykes.
We had white dykes.

146
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They drove Subarus and had
long armpit hair. And I was like, "No."

147
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I was like, "No, that's not what I am.
I'm not that.

148
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I don't do that. I'm not with that."

149
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We had one black dyke,
and that bitch was on crack.

150
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And I was like,
"If that's what dyking leads to,

151
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that's not a life for me.

152
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I need to focus on these dicks.
Concentrate."

153
00:07:26.028 --> 00:07:27.155
[grunts]

154
00:07:27.238 --> 00:07:30.074
"Concentrate and work hard
and make somethin' of myself."

155
00:07:33.703 --> 00:07:38.082
You honestly couldn't be black and gay
outside of Atlanta until 2012.

156
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It just didn't exist
anywhere else in the world.

157
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So I didn't know, you know?

158
00:07:44.464 --> 00:07:48.926
I was like, "Nah, man, I'm just...
into licking these dicks and balls."

159
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Not at all. And then I ate a pussy,
and I was like, "Bitch!"

160
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The world opened the fuck up.

161
00:07:57.018 --> 00:08:00.605
I was like, "Oh, this is what everyone
said when they said they like it."

162
00:08:00.688 --> 00:08:03.357
I never understood the liking it part.
I was like, "Sex is just a job.

163
00:08:03.441 --> 00:08:06.110
You don't like it, you just do it."
And then, fuck it.

164
00:08:06.861 --> 00:08:08.112
But, no, you can like it.

165
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Like, now I eat pussy,
I'm like, "This is it, I'm a winner.

166
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Now I'm winning. I feel in control.
I know what the fuck I'm doing.

167
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This is where I was
supposed to be. In the pussy."

168
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Now I'm in love, so I'm only in one pussy,
and that's weird.

169
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It's weird 'cause I know it's
the only pussy I'm gonna be in forever.

170
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It's not always great, right?

171
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When you fuck the same person forever,
you know, there's downsides to that.

172
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There's highs and lows.
Cause now, we've been fucking since,

173
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I don't know, we was 22?

174
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I'm 30-something, so it's like,
"I don't care about this pussy anymore."

175
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Like, I love her, but the pussy,
I don't give a fuck.

176
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It could come, it could go,
it could not be there.

177
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But I'm tryin' to do it.
I am. I'm like, I'm in love.

178
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That's why I bring her everywhere.
That's why we travel and shit.

179
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We just went to Europe recently.

180
00:08:59.997 --> 00:09:02.124
Three weeks in Europe.
Big fuckin' mistake.

181
00:09:03.668 --> 00:09:06.754
Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm.
Too long. Shouldn't have done it.

182
00:09:06.837 --> 00:09:09.173
It was fucked up
before we even left New York.

183
00:09:09.257 --> 00:09:11.842
Before we got out our apartment,
it was problematic.

184
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It started with the packing.

185
00:09:14.303 --> 00:09:16.681
Everything broke down
with the fuckin' packing.

186
00:09:17.557 --> 00:09:19.976
Everything was goin' good.
We was packing, she was packing,

187
00:09:20.059 --> 00:09:22.144
I was packin',
everything felt respectable.

188
00:09:22.228 --> 00:09:24.522
But then she started packin' a third bag.

189
00:09:24.605 --> 00:09:27.149
And that really confused me,
'cause she only has two arms.

190
00:09:28.943 --> 00:09:31.737
So I was like, "How you packin' three bags
with two arms, baby girl?

191
00:09:33.072 --> 00:09:35.950
You don't got enough arms
for the bags you packin'.

192
00:09:36.033 --> 00:09:38.077
What a presumptuous,
bold fuckin' move,

193
00:09:38.160 --> 00:09:41.205
to pack bags
you don't got fuckin' arms for!

194
00:09:41.831 --> 00:09:44.250
Who's supposed to be in charge
of these fuckin' bags?

195
00:09:44.834 --> 00:09:47.712
Who's gonna be the boss, bitch?
I don't understand."

196
00:09:47.795 --> 00:09:49.672
Then we got to an airport
and it caused a fight

197
00:09:49.755 --> 00:09:52.049
because she forgets I'm not a man,
I'm not a fucking man.

198
00:09:52.133 --> 00:09:53.884
I'm not.
So I don't have any chivalry.

199
00:09:53.968 --> 00:09:55.845
I don't give a fuck! I don't give a fuck!

200
00:09:55.928 --> 00:09:57.305
I don't give a fuck.

201
00:09:58.264 --> 00:10:00.725
I am a whole bitch.
I have no chivalry in me.

202
00:10:01.767 --> 00:10:02.602
[laughs]

203
00:10:02.685 --> 00:10:05.896
Are you crazy? So it's not like I saw her
struggling with the bags and was like,

204
00:10:05.980 --> 00:10:07.815
[gruffly] "I can't let my baby struggle!"

205
00:10:09.775 --> 00:10:11.777
[laughing] "I gotta get these bags!"

206
00:10:12.403 --> 00:10:15.364
Fuck, no! I was just like,
"Stupid bitch! Bring less bags.

207
00:10:16.032 --> 00:10:18.367
Dumb motherfucker.
That was dumb as all hell."

208
00:10:18.451 --> 00:10:19.368
[applauding]

209
00:10:19.452 --> 00:10:21.454
"Bringin' bags
you ain't got enough arms for.

210
00:10:21.537 --> 00:10:23.039
Who the fuck does that?

211
00:10:23.706 --> 00:10:27.209
You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl.
That's how I goddamn roll.

212
00:10:28.628 --> 00:10:30.379
Hell's wrong with you?"

213
00:10:31.672 --> 00:10:33.090
So she's strugglin', lookin' stupid,

214
00:10:33.174 --> 00:10:35.134
and I'm just watching like,
"Mm-mm-mm," you know?

215
00:10:35.843 --> 00:10:36.969
"Mm."

216
00:10:37.970 --> 00:10:40.097
Then this dude comes
and tries to save the day,

217
00:10:40.181 --> 00:10:41.974
'cause that's what dudes like to do,
you know?

218
00:10:42.058 --> 00:10:45.269
Especially when men see a masculine woman.
That's their favorite shit.

219
00:10:45.353 --> 00:10:48.189
They like to come, like,
"I got the real dick." You know?

220
00:10:49.732 --> 00:10:51.651
Filthy fucks. "I got the real--
Where you want--

221
00:10:51.734 --> 00:10:53.235
Where you need my dick to go?

222
00:10:54.028 --> 00:10:55.571
What bag my dick gotta pick up?

223
00:10:55.655 --> 00:10:58.157
What you want my dick--
You need my dick over here?"

224
00:10:58.699 --> 00:10:59.825
"Shut up."

225
00:11:00.409 --> 00:11:01.285
[laughs]

226
00:11:02.453 --> 00:11:05.414
This fucking clown come--
"I got the real-- I got the real dick."

227
00:11:06.207 --> 00:11:07.458
[laughs]

228
00:11:07.541 --> 00:11:09.043
And he jacks up the bag,

229
00:11:09.543 --> 00:11:11.504
and he looks at me,
and he's like, "Now what?"

230
00:11:11.587 --> 00:11:12.963
Like, "Nigga, get mine too!

231
00:11:13.547 --> 00:11:16.258
You gettin' bags,
get all the bitches' bags!

232
00:11:17.885 --> 00:11:20.221
The fuck you think?
I'm a lady. Carry my shit."

233
00:11:22.014 --> 00:11:23.182
[laughs]

234
00:11:23.265 --> 00:11:24.684
"Be a fuckin' gentleman."

235
00:11:26.894 --> 00:11:28.062
[laughs]

236
00:11:28.729 --> 00:11:32.108
It doesn't help that I'm a nervous flier.
I'll say that. I didn't help.

237
00:11:32.441 --> 00:11:35.403
I'm a very nerve-racked flier.
I hate fuckin' flying.

238
00:11:35.486 --> 00:11:37.488
I'm thinkin' about dying the whole time.

239
00:11:37.947 --> 00:11:41.200
The entire trip, I'm just like,
"I'm fuckin' dead up here," you know?

240
00:11:41.283 --> 00:11:44.203
I think if you're not thinkin'
about dying, you're a psychopath.

241
00:11:44.286 --> 00:11:47.498
I don't know anyone who's just up there,
like, "This is how God intended it."

242
00:11:47.581 --> 00:11:50.543
You know, what the fuck?
Clearly, we have no business up there.

243
00:11:50.626 --> 00:11:54.046
We're watchin' ESPN, we're drinkin'.
Who the fuck do we think we are?

244
00:11:54.422 --> 00:11:56.507
So ballsy. Chill out. You know?

245
00:11:57.466 --> 00:11:58.467
This is delicate.

246
00:11:59.844 --> 00:12:03.097
Then we like to give the illusion
of safety. "In case of an emergency."

247
00:12:03.180 --> 00:12:04.890
Bitch, we're dead if there's an emerg--

248
00:12:04.974 --> 00:12:08.144
This motherfucker's in the exit row
with his shoes off, drunk.

249
00:12:09.311 --> 00:12:12.732
He's saving all of us? He's the guy?
He's the point man?

250
00:12:13.190 --> 00:12:15.025
Fuck you! Fuck you!

251
00:12:15.109 --> 00:12:19.739
You don't give a shit about us.
I watched you give this man drinks!

252
00:12:21.073 --> 00:12:24.410
Maybe don't serve drinks
to the exit row niggas. Of all the niggas!

253
00:12:25.327 --> 00:12:27.163
Maybe they have to be sober.

254
00:12:28.914 --> 00:12:31.625
You want me to feel safe in the skies...
Kiss my ass!

255
00:12:33.419 --> 00:12:35.963
I think about death in a weird--
I don't think like how most--

256
00:12:36.046 --> 00:12:38.507
I think most people think
some regular-ass shit.

257
00:12:38.591 --> 00:12:40.342
Right? They think, like, I don't know,

258
00:12:40.426 --> 00:12:42.470
"What if the pilot takes us
into a mountain today

259
00:12:42.553 --> 00:12:44.180
'cause he hates his fuckin' life?"

260
00:12:44.680 --> 00:12:47.391
Or, "What if the engine fails?"
That's normal thoughts.

261
00:12:47.475 --> 00:12:48.809
I think crazy, crazy shit.

262
00:12:49.685 --> 00:12:52.605
I think, like, what if the company
that makes the chemical

263
00:12:53.314 --> 00:12:54.732
that makes the doo-doo block...

264
00:12:55.900 --> 00:12:58.736
Okay, so when you're on a plane
and you shit or you piss,

265
00:12:58.819 --> 00:13:00.654
it don't just go to the birds, baby.

266
00:13:01.363 --> 00:13:03.282
Right? You don't just flush it,
it's in the sky.

267
00:13:03.365 --> 00:13:05.117
No, it stays on the fuckin' plane.

268
00:13:05.618 --> 00:13:07.453
Like a camper.
And there's a chemical in there,

269
00:13:07.536 --> 00:13:09.747
and it makes a gelatinous mess,
and when you land,

270
00:13:09.830 --> 00:13:11.081
they suck that shit out,

271
00:13:11.165 --> 00:13:13.542
they put a new chemical in
for your next flight.

272
00:13:13.876 --> 00:13:17.379
I be thinking, what if the doo-doo block
company, right, the chemical company...

273
00:13:17.713 --> 00:13:19.423
What if they skimp on a chemical?

274
00:13:19.965 --> 00:13:22.843
Just on some American greed shit.
American companies are trash.

275
00:13:22.927 --> 00:13:25.679
They're always doin' this type
of fuckin' shit, cuttin' corners.

276
00:13:25.763 --> 00:13:28.224
We know this,
cuttin' corners, doin' funny shit.

277
00:13:28.307 --> 00:13:30.476
What if one of these fuckin' companies,
like, "Know what?

278
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.354
We're not buyin' boric acid this month.
We don't fuckin' need boric acid.

279
00:13:33.437 --> 00:13:35.731
It's $30,000 a unit and
it really doesn't do anything."

280
00:13:35.815 --> 00:13:38.943
Then I'm in the sky, I take a shit,
the plane's half a pound heavier,

281
00:13:39.026 --> 00:13:40.528
boom, into a mountain.

282
00:13:43.030 --> 00:13:43.948
Fuckin' dead.

283
00:13:44.448 --> 00:13:46.492
That's what the hell goes on in my brain.

284
00:13:46.575 --> 00:13:49.620
Shit that can't be cured
with no safety video. You know?

285
00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:51.121
Fuck are you--

286
00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:53.457
So I'm nervous. I'm on edge.

287
00:13:53.541 --> 00:13:55.793
As soon as I get on the plane,
I'm on edge, I'm on it.

288
00:13:55.876 --> 00:13:57.878
I'm makin' sure everyone's phone's
on airplane mode.

289
00:13:57.962 --> 00:13:59.380
'Cause that's everybody's job.

290
00:14:00.089 --> 00:14:03.092
I'm just, like, "Look at him.
Why this nigga on Candy Crush like that?

291
00:14:03.926 --> 00:14:07.972
Who's gonna do somethin' about that?
That's weird. I don't like any of this."

292
00:14:08.055 --> 00:14:09.348
[laughs]

293
00:14:10.391 --> 00:14:14.061
Then I sit down, and I notice my girl
still fuckin' around on her phone.

294
00:14:14.144 --> 00:14:17.690
She ain't fuckin' changed her shit yet.
She playin' games and shit.

295
00:14:17.773 --> 00:14:20.401
So I'm like,
"Hey, baby, when you gonna do it?

296
00:14:21.735 --> 00:14:22.778
The guy said do it.

297
00:14:24.071 --> 00:14:26.031
I think you should go ahead and do it."

298
00:14:26.907 --> 00:14:29.994
And she snaps at me
'cause she's still mad over the bag shit.

299
00:14:30.995 --> 00:14:34.707
So she's like, "You ain't gotta do it
till the plane takes off!"

300
00:14:34.790 --> 00:14:37.918
And it's like,
"Bitch, you don't build planes!

301
00:14:39.253 --> 00:14:42.506
You don't. You're not a plane scientist
or no shit like that.

302
00:14:43.549 --> 00:14:47.553
You do it when the nigga drivin' the plane
says it's time to do it!

303
00:14:51.265 --> 00:14:52.892
That's the opportune time."

304
00:14:54.476 --> 00:14:57.146
And that caused another fight,
'cause I hit the button on that bitch.

305
00:14:57.229 --> 00:14:59.440
I was like, "Bing,
get her the fuck outta here.

306
00:15:00.524 --> 00:15:01.692
Mm-mm-mm-mm.

307
00:15:02.234 --> 00:15:05.571
I'm not goin' in the sky with this bitch,
she actin' up on the ground.

308
00:15:06.322 --> 00:15:07.865
How the fuck we gonna go in the sky?

309
00:15:07.948 --> 00:15:10.200
You not followin' the ground rules,
baby girl!

310
00:15:11.452 --> 00:15:13.495
That don't add up." [laughs]

311
00:15:17.249 --> 00:15:18.459
[laughing]

312
00:15:20.419 --> 00:15:23.631
So then, I'm in my seat and shit,
right, and now we fightin'.

313
00:15:23.714 --> 00:15:25.424
We tryin' to whisper-fight
like white people.

314
00:15:27.384 --> 00:15:29.803
You know,
tryin' to get a good whisper-fight in.

315
00:15:31.513 --> 00:15:32.723
[laughs]

316
00:15:32.806 --> 00:15:37.227
We... pss-pss-pss-pss. Pffft!
You know? That goofy, goofy stuff.

317
00:15:38.771 --> 00:15:41.273
And her main thing is, like,
she likes to fuck with me.

318
00:15:41.357 --> 00:15:44.652
Like, she likes to, like, say shit to me
like she's reminding me I'm a woman.

319
00:15:44.735 --> 00:15:46.570
Like I don't...
I fuckin' know that, you know?

320
00:15:46.654 --> 00:15:49.073
But she likes to--
'Cause of my outfits and shit.

321
00:15:49.156 --> 00:15:50.950
Know what I mean? 'Cause of how I dress.

322
00:15:51.033 --> 00:15:52.326
She's like... [grumbles]

323
00:15:52.409 --> 00:15:54.787
"I'ma break you down,
remind you you a whole bitch."

324
00:15:54.870 --> 00:15:58.082
I was like, "Bitch, I got a pad in these
boxer briefs. I know what's happenin'.

325
00:15:59.041 --> 00:16:00.751
I don't need this energy from you.

326
00:16:02.544 --> 00:16:03.504
Goofy ass."

327
00:16:05.172 --> 00:16:07.216
So we're sittin' in the seat,
and we're arguin',

328
00:16:07.299 --> 00:16:10.844
and then she's like, "What the fuck
are you so afraid of, you scaredy bitch?

329
00:16:10.928 --> 00:16:12.554
Are you on your period?"

330
00:16:12.638 --> 00:16:14.306
And I was like, "Waaaah!"

331
00:16:15.307 --> 00:16:16.558
[applauding]

332
00:16:16.642 --> 00:16:18.811
Huh! I got so fuckin' mad!

333
00:16:19.269 --> 00:16:20.646
[yells]

334
00:16:20.729 --> 00:16:23.857
Balled up my fist real tight like I was
about to punch the seat in front of me.

335
00:16:23.941 --> 00:16:25.609
Like I was just gonna act, you know?

336
00:16:25.693 --> 00:16:27.861
But the last time I did that,
we were at the house.

337
00:16:27.945 --> 00:16:31.907
I balled my fist up and punched the wall,
and then I just hurt my hand real bad.

338
00:16:32.449 --> 00:16:35.828
Nothin' happened. So I was like,
"Let me chill." So I was just like, "Aaah!

339
00:16:35.911 --> 00:16:37.871
What to do? Aaaah!"

340
00:16:38.414 --> 00:16:39.790
And then I just told the truth.

341
00:16:39.873 --> 00:16:41.500
I was like, "I'm afraid to die!"

342
00:16:42.835 --> 00:16:44.503
I yelled that on a plane.

343
00:16:46.714 --> 00:16:47.840
[applauding]

344
00:16:48.340 --> 00:16:51.885
Just put it out there, you know?
Just fuckin' be honest.

345
00:16:53.345 --> 00:16:56.140
But as soon as I said it,
I realized it's not true.

346
00:16:56.223 --> 00:16:59.059
I think I needed to hear it out loud.
I was like, "That's not it.

347
00:16:59.435 --> 00:17:00.561
I'm not afraid to die.

348
00:17:00.644 --> 00:17:04.273
Actually, death is inevitable, I know
it's gonna happen. I'm not afraid to die."

349
00:17:04.356 --> 00:17:07.901
I realized in that moment
what I'm afraid of is surviving.

350
00:17:08.485 --> 00:17:10.821
I don't wanna survive a plane crash.

351
00:17:10.904 --> 00:17:14.241
I think about bein' that one asshole
floatin' on a piece of wing...

352
00:17:15.075 --> 00:17:19.371
in the middle of the ocean
way more than I think about death.

353
00:17:19.455 --> 00:17:20.372
Just...

354
00:17:22.833 --> 00:17:26.420
On some Life Of Pi shit.
"Just live, nigga." No! That's trash.

355
00:17:27.713 --> 00:17:28.881
No!

356
00:17:29.423 --> 00:17:31.216
I don't wanna survive shit.

357
00:17:31.675 --> 00:17:34.261
You don't come out of nothing
you survive clean. It don't matter.

358
00:17:34.344 --> 00:17:37.473
If someone says, "I'm a survivor,"
they're fucked up a bit. They ain't clean.

359
00:17:37.556 --> 00:17:38.599
It's fucked up.

360
00:17:39.099 --> 00:17:42.394
I survive a plane crash,
now my arm's lopsided like this forever.

361
00:17:42.478 --> 00:17:45.981
Forever, I just gotta be like this
when I talk to people. That's trash.

362
00:17:46.482 --> 00:17:49.359
My fingertips don't work right no more,
so I can't grip shit.

363
00:17:49.443 --> 00:17:53.030
I can't pick nothin' up, forever.
I can't grip with it, I can't grab shit.

364
00:17:53.781 --> 00:17:56.366
I lose my legs,
and now I gotta be the no-legs comic.

365
00:17:56.450 --> 00:17:57.785
I gotta roll up here with no legs.

366
00:17:57.868 --> 00:18:00.746
[gruffly] "I used to have legs,
but they gone.

367
00:18:00.829 --> 00:18:02.623
Y'all heard about the crash.

368
00:18:04.124 --> 00:18:05.793
Don't worry about me." Bullshit!

369
00:18:05.876 --> 00:18:07.002
Fuck that.

370
00:18:07.503 --> 00:18:09.046
[laughs] No!

371
00:18:10.756 --> 00:18:14.051
Or I float on a deserted island, and then
it's just like, "Fight for your life!"

372
00:18:14.134 --> 00:18:16.845
Like, everything's intact,
and it's just like, "Get it in!"

373
00:18:16.929 --> 00:18:19.640
'Cause that's the problem with survival.
Survival begs the question,

374
00:18:19.723 --> 00:18:21.600
"Do you have the will to live?"

375
00:18:21.683 --> 00:18:25.229
And the answer is no. I already know that.

376
00:18:25.312 --> 00:18:28.565
I don't give a fuck about life enough
to fight for it, for real.

377
00:18:28.649 --> 00:18:32.277
Like, every time I watch Cast Away,
I'm like, "Nigga, just be dead!

378
00:18:33.570 --> 00:18:34.988
What the fuck are you doin'?

379
00:18:35.072 --> 00:18:37.699
Lay on the beach
and let the waves take you, dawg.

380
00:18:38.867 --> 00:18:40.369
This is ridiculous!"

381
00:18:42.204 --> 00:18:44.665
Walking Dead?
Once my phone's dead, bro, I'm dead.

382
00:18:46.083 --> 00:18:47.668
Where am I goin' without a GPS?

383
00:18:47.751 --> 00:18:50.170
I don't know how to use a compass.
I'm not white.

384
00:18:54.508 --> 00:18:56.593
White people still... I don't know.

385
00:18:56.677 --> 00:18:59.805
Like, y'all preparin' for some shit
but y'all won't tell us what it is.

386
00:18:59.888 --> 00:19:01.348
[applauding]

387
00:19:01.431 --> 00:19:03.433
Y'all move so weird, man.

388
00:19:04.351 --> 00:19:05.727
Y'all actions are weird!

389
00:19:06.478 --> 00:19:08.147
Y'all gettin' ready.
And the world's endin'.

390
00:19:08.230 --> 00:19:10.607
Everything's burnin', we get it,
and y'all preparin'.

391
00:19:10.691 --> 00:19:12.818
Just tell us. Tell us what's happenin'!

392
00:19:12.901 --> 00:19:14.778
Stop keepin' this shit to yourself.

393
00:19:16.780 --> 00:19:19.491
They do weird shit.
They just get lost in the woods for no--

394
00:19:19.575 --> 00:19:21.535
"Let's just follow the North Star out."

395
00:19:23.036 --> 00:19:24.204
Bitch, why?

396
00:19:25.622 --> 00:19:28.167
Doing Tough Mudders and shit,
just runnin' through the mud.

397
00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:29.459
Just runnin'-- Why?

398
00:19:30.169 --> 00:19:32.004
But when you think about it,
when mudslides hit,

399
00:19:32.087 --> 00:19:34.423
them niggas gonna be movin',
doof, doof, doof!

400
00:19:35.924 --> 00:19:36.967
[laughs]

401
00:19:38.260 --> 00:19:40.262
Niggas, on the other hand, we're fucked.

402
00:19:40.929 --> 00:19:42.514
We prepare for nothin'.

403
00:19:42.598 --> 00:19:45.350
We have no plan for the end of the world,
and it's clear it's happenin'.

404
00:19:45.434 --> 00:19:47.477
All we're gonna do is meet in Atlanta.

405
00:19:47.561 --> 00:19:48.729
-[laughs]
-[applauding]

406
00:19:48.812 --> 00:19:50.939
That's niggas' plan. Just meet in Atlanta.

407
00:19:51.023 --> 00:19:53.025
-[cheering, applauding]
-[laughing]

408
00:19:53.275 --> 00:19:55.777
Just gonna be a bunch of niggas
in front of a Waffle House, like,

409
00:19:55.861 --> 00:19:58.322
"Well, I assumed--
I assumed this was the spot,

410
00:19:58.405 --> 00:20:01.325
and then...
and then we'd talk about what's next."

411
00:20:03.660 --> 00:20:04.953
[laughs]

412
00:20:05.037 --> 00:20:06.955
"Thought we'd get together first.

413
00:20:07.915 --> 00:20:09.750
What I wanna know is, who's cookin'?

414
00:20:09.833 --> 00:20:11.919
Who's doin' the cookin' this whole time?"

415
00:20:12.753 --> 00:20:13.754
Jesus!

416
00:20:14.546 --> 00:20:16.548
[laughs]

417
00:20:17.424 --> 00:20:20.344
They're gettin' ready, for real.
Watch these motherfuckers.

418
00:20:20.427 --> 00:20:21.637
They move funny!

419
00:20:22.804 --> 00:20:26.433
All their actions are in preparedness,
but we don't know for what, right?

420
00:20:26.516 --> 00:20:29.228
Like, I was watching Naked And Afraid
for the first time last week.

421
00:20:29.311 --> 00:20:32.356
Why the fuck are you doin' that shit,
white people?

422
00:20:32.439 --> 00:20:35.400
You just wanna know you can live
naked and scared? Nigga, both?

423
00:20:35.484 --> 00:20:36.485
Why both?

424
00:20:39.404 --> 00:20:42.282
Both together, not even separate?
That's crazy!

425
00:20:44.785 --> 00:20:47.204
Bunch of white dudes died
climbin' the Himalayas.

426
00:20:47.287 --> 00:20:49.164
What the fuck you goin' up there for?

427
00:20:49.831 --> 00:20:52.668
Everything you need down here!

428
00:20:53.627 --> 00:20:55.629
You just wanna know
you can sleep with less air?

429
00:20:55.712 --> 00:20:58.090
Where the air goin'?
Nigga, the air runnin' out?

430
00:21:01.551 --> 00:21:03.428
We losin' air? Tell us!

431
00:21:04.137 --> 00:21:05.472
[applauding]

432
00:21:06.974 --> 00:21:09.351
Why y'all keepin' this shit to yourselves?

433
00:21:09.810 --> 00:21:11.728
Put everybody on, goddamn.

434
00:21:13.021 --> 00:21:16.024
I saw a bunch of white people checkin'
their restin' heart rate the other day.

435
00:21:16.108 --> 00:21:18.527
"Bitch, we about to have to run?
Where we going?

436
00:21:18.610 --> 00:21:21.196
Bitch, where we going?
Why are you just checkin' that shit?

437
00:21:25.909 --> 00:21:28.620
What do y'all know that I don't know?
I don't like that."

438
00:21:31.081 --> 00:21:33.208
This nigga Elon Musk
be goin' to space by hisself.

439
00:21:33.292 --> 00:21:35.961
What the fuck is that white man
doin' in space alone?

440
00:21:36.712 --> 00:21:38.714
That's not suspicious to anybody but me?

441
00:21:39.548 --> 00:21:42.634
That this motherfucker goes to space
without the government, without NASA?

442
00:21:42.718 --> 00:21:44.970
Which I didn't even know
you could fuckin' do!

443
00:21:45.846 --> 00:21:47.973
As far as I knew,
they were the space niggas.

444
00:21:48.056 --> 00:21:49.516
They run space!

445
00:21:51.101 --> 00:21:53.937
You wanna fuck with space,
you gotta fuck with them.

446
00:21:54.021 --> 00:21:57.691
This motherfucker built a spaceship
like it's a go-kart, goes on Tuesdays.

447
00:21:58.483 --> 00:22:00.861
Bitch, space day is Saturday!

448
00:22:00.944 --> 00:22:01.820
[cheering]

449
00:22:01.903 --> 00:22:03.113
Everybody know that!

450
00:22:03.196 --> 00:22:04.323
[applauding]

451
00:22:04.406 --> 00:22:07.159
You can't leave midweek
to go to goddamn space!

452
00:22:07.242 --> 00:22:09.578
It's an event.
It happens Saturday, the TV's on.

453
00:22:09.661 --> 00:22:11.997
This nigga be goin' Wednesday night. What?

454
00:22:12.998 --> 00:22:16.209
From Sacramento, at that.
Bitch, space place is Cape Canaveral.

455
00:22:16.293 --> 00:22:17.753
That's where you go from.

456
00:22:20.422 --> 00:22:23.300
Ain't no entry point to Mars
from fuckin' Sacramento.

457
00:22:26.970 --> 00:22:28.180
[laughs]

458
00:22:30.307 --> 00:22:33.393
And when you're goin' to space,
you at least tell the people. It's a PSA.

459
00:22:33.477 --> 00:22:34.603
Get on the goddamn news, say,

460
00:22:34.686 --> 00:22:37.230
"Hey, people, I'm about to fuck around
in space. Don't be alarmed."

461
00:22:37.314 --> 00:22:39.107
This nigga just went.
We thought it was aliens.

462
00:22:39.191 --> 00:22:41.610
"Is it aliens?"
"No, just Elon doin' donuts in the sky."

463
00:22:41.693 --> 00:22:42.944
What the fuck is this?

464
00:22:43.945 --> 00:22:45.530
[applauding]

465
00:22:45.947 --> 00:22:47.449
[woman] Whoo!

466
00:22:48.241 --> 00:22:49.826
[laughing]

467
00:22:50.535 --> 00:22:52.412
White man ambition is some shit.

468
00:22:53.663 --> 00:22:57.000
You wanna know where the racism is?
That's where the fuck it is, white men.

469
00:22:57.084 --> 00:22:59.795
I know y'all still confused.
Look at him. "What are you talkin' about?"

470
00:23:01.171 --> 00:23:02.381
Fuckin' confused.

471
00:23:03.632 --> 00:23:05.801
'Cause they don't get--
Everyone learns the history.

472
00:23:05.884 --> 00:23:09.054
So you're like, "No one's gettin' hung,
and we ain't beatin' nobody.

473
00:23:09.137 --> 00:23:12.474
I work next to a black guy,
and he has a car, so... equality."

474
00:23:13.517 --> 00:23:17.187
[laughs] Just lay the fuck down,
rest easy, 'cause everything's fair.

475
00:23:18.897 --> 00:23:19.940
Fuckin' nut job!

476
00:23:20.023 --> 00:23:21.149
[applauding]

477
00:23:22.275 --> 00:23:23.652
Everything's not fair!

478
00:23:23.735 --> 00:23:27.239
'Cause while you're sleepin',
you're dreamin' about buyin' Mars, nigga!

479
00:23:30.700 --> 00:23:31.827
[laughs]

480
00:23:31.910 --> 00:23:34.788
I've never thought I could do
no shit like that a day in my life.

481
00:23:34.871 --> 00:23:37.666
I thought about havin' all the money.
I thought, "If I get all the money,

482
00:23:37.749 --> 00:23:40.460
I'm gonna buy them gold ceilings
Master P had in Cribs."

483
00:23:40.836 --> 00:23:42.003
[applauding]

484
00:23:42.087 --> 00:23:45.132
"That's what the fuck I'ma do
when I get all the goddamn money."

485
00:23:45.549 --> 00:23:48.176
Space by my goddamn self, bitch? Never!

486
00:23:49.428 --> 00:23:51.888
Even if I thought about goin' to space,
I'd call NASA first.

487
00:23:51.972 --> 00:23:53.723
"Yo, NASA, this Sam. Can I go?

488
00:23:54.933 --> 00:23:57.602
You know what?
It is Tuesday. Space day is Saturday."

489
00:24:03.275 --> 00:24:04.609
So we land in London...

490
00:24:05.402 --> 00:24:07.404
[laughing]

491
00:24:10.198 --> 00:24:11.575
[chuckling]

492
00:24:12.659 --> 00:24:13.743
We land in London,

493
00:24:14.661 --> 00:24:16.580
and we decided not to fight anymore,

494
00:24:16.663 --> 00:24:19.040
'cause I think that's how
couples traveling work, right?

495
00:24:19.124 --> 00:24:20.750
You get to the place
you're supposed to be,

496
00:24:20.834 --> 00:24:22.544
you're like,
"We can fight where we pay rent.

497
00:24:23.628 --> 00:24:25.505
Let's just try to fuckin' be friends.

498
00:24:25.881 --> 00:24:29.634
We've never seen any of this shit before.
Let's just try to be cool," right?

499
00:24:29.718 --> 00:24:32.012
So we get to London.
"We're in London, what are we gonna do?

500
00:24:32.095 --> 00:24:33.972
Which is new shit for me,
'cause I'm a grown-up,

501
00:24:34.055 --> 00:24:35.765
and now I go out in the daytime.

502
00:24:35.849 --> 00:24:38.101
I used to be able to travel like this.
"Let's sleep all day

503
00:24:38.185 --> 00:24:39.352
and get fucked up all night.

504
00:24:39.436 --> 00:24:41.563
I wanna see this city high and drunk,"
you know?

505
00:24:41.646 --> 00:24:44.024
But now I'm an old bitch, I'm like,
"I wanna see architecture.

506
00:24:44.107 --> 00:24:45.233
I wanna know how...

507
00:24:46.067 --> 00:24:47.819
how they built the buildings."

508
00:24:52.365 --> 00:24:55.619
We get to London, I'm like, "We still got
some time, let's go to a fuckin' museum."

509
00:24:55.702 --> 00:24:57.245
My girl's like, "Hell, yeah. Let's go."

510
00:24:57.329 --> 00:24:59.414
'Cause we old bitches,
and old bitches like the museum.

511
00:24:59.498 --> 00:25:02.542
But we're not that old, so we took
mushrooms first, 'cause, yeah...

512
00:25:02.626 --> 00:25:05.462
-[applause and cheering]
-Fuckin' turn the museum up.

513
00:25:08.215 --> 00:25:09.674
[laughs]

514
00:25:10.217 --> 00:25:11.676
So we take these shrooms...

515
00:25:13.595 --> 00:25:15.972
and we're like,
"Let's get out, let's do it."

516
00:25:16.765 --> 00:25:18.308
We go to the British Museum.

517
00:25:18.391 --> 00:25:20.936
That's the biggest fuckin' museum
in London, in the city.

518
00:25:21.019 --> 00:25:23.396
We go to the British Museum.
It's huge. I was overwhelmed.

519
00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:26.233
I was high as shit.
I walked in, I was like, "Holy shit."

520
00:25:26.316 --> 00:25:30.028
'Cause it was wing after wing
after wing of stuff, and it blew my mind

521
00:25:30.111 --> 00:25:34.032
'cause I was like,
"Wow, white people stole all this shit!"

522
00:25:34.115 --> 00:25:36.117
[laughing, applauding]

523
00:25:36.660 --> 00:25:38.745
"Stole so much shit!"

524
00:25:38.828 --> 00:25:39.829
[cheering]

525
00:25:39.913 --> 00:25:43.208
"All this shit is stolen. That's crazy!"

526
00:25:43.875 --> 00:25:45.710
It was like, "Wow!

527
00:25:46.628 --> 00:25:49.422
They stole everything
in this motherfucker!"

528
00:25:51.758 --> 00:25:54.928
The audacity! I think that's the real word
to describe white people.

529
00:25:55.011 --> 00:25:57.764
It's not racist. Audacious!

530
00:25:58.682 --> 00:26:00.183
The fuckin' audacity!

531
00:26:00.976 --> 00:26:04.104
'Cause everyone steals. I'm not saying
you're the only one that steals.

532
00:26:04.187 --> 00:26:06.773
Everybody steals.
Niggas steal, black people steal,

533
00:26:06.856 --> 00:26:08.984
but when we steal, we spread the shit out.

534
00:26:09.609 --> 00:26:12.362
'Cause we're afraid. We're like,
"They might come at any moment.

535
00:26:12.445 --> 00:26:16.157
Try to get back some of this shit. So put
some at Joe's, put some over here..."

536
00:26:17.409 --> 00:26:19.744
Not the white man.
"Put it all in one building."

537
00:26:21.288 --> 00:26:22.330
[laughs]

538
00:26:22.414 --> 00:26:23.957
"Erect a fortress for it.

539
00:26:25.667 --> 00:26:28.044
And, yes, charge them $20 to see it.

540
00:26:28.878 --> 00:26:30.046
Their own shit."

541
00:26:30.463 --> 00:26:32.257
[cheering, applauding]

542
00:26:32.340 --> 00:26:34.551
"And if one of 'em touches it,
shoot 'em."

543
00:26:35.552 --> 00:26:36.845
Jesus!

544
00:26:38.346 --> 00:26:39.556
[laughing]

545
00:26:46.605 --> 00:26:47.731
But they got all the culture.

546
00:26:47.814 --> 00:26:49.816
Another thing that fucked me up
when I was London.

547
00:26:49.899 --> 00:26:51.901
I was like, "These motherfuckers
got all the culture.

548
00:26:51.985 --> 00:26:53.737
We don't have shit. We're trash."

549
00:26:53.820 --> 00:26:56.031
We have no culture in America.
We think we do.

550
00:26:56.114 --> 00:26:58.617
"We'll go see the Liberty Bell."
That's garbage. It's trash.

551
00:26:58.700 --> 00:27:00.910
It's trash.
It's all just young, ignorant--

552
00:27:00.994 --> 00:27:03.663
We don't have good--
They have Rembrandts, they got Shake--

553
00:27:03.747 --> 00:27:05.915
They got the fucking culture, you know?

554
00:27:05.999 --> 00:27:08.209
And as Americans,
we just fiend out for their culture.

555
00:27:08.293 --> 00:27:10.670
We just be goin' over there,
"Let me get some of your culture.

556
00:27:11.254 --> 00:27:13.923
Let me borrow a Rembrandt
for two million for one month,

557
00:27:14.549 --> 00:27:16.593
'cause my kids need some art," you know?

558
00:27:16.676 --> 00:27:17.844
They got all the shit.

559
00:27:18.678 --> 00:27:21.640
I was with my girl, we went into
this one room, we went to the Egypt side.

560
00:27:21.723 --> 00:27:24.601
We went into this one room,
there was six mummies in one room.

561
00:27:25.018 --> 00:27:26.311
Fuckin' blew my mind.

562
00:27:27.103 --> 00:27:29.939
I was like, "Babe, look, six mummies
in here." She got all attitudey.

563
00:27:30.023 --> 00:27:31.566
She was like, "Why you actin' like that?

564
00:27:31.650 --> 00:27:33.568
Why you actin' like
you never been nowhere?"

565
00:27:33.652 --> 00:27:36.529
She thought I was being one
of those people that go to another country

566
00:27:36.613 --> 00:27:38.865
and act like
it's so much better than America.

567
00:27:38.948 --> 00:27:40.325
Which is annoying, you know?

568
00:27:40.408 --> 00:27:43.286
Go somewhere, people are like,
"Flowers in America don't look like this."

569
00:27:43.370 --> 00:27:46.539
Like, shut the fuck up. That's irritating.

570
00:27:47.415 --> 00:27:48.541
She thought I was doing that.

571
00:27:48.625 --> 00:27:50.960
She was like, "What's the big deal?
You seen a mummy before."

572
00:27:51.044 --> 00:27:56.174
And I was like, "Yeah, bitch, one! I ain't
never seen six together in one room!"

573
00:27:56.257 --> 00:27:58.968
That's how they do us in America,
'cause we borrowin' the culture.

574
00:27:59.052 --> 00:28:00.595
In America, we get one mummy.

575
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:03.348
Every three summers!

576
00:28:03.807 --> 00:28:07.644
And we work that nigga
like Joe Jackson worked the Jackson 5.

577
00:28:07.727 --> 00:28:10.397
"Listen up, Mummy!
Tomorrow, Memphis. Schenectady!

578
00:28:11.690 --> 00:28:13.274
Take your ass down to Ohio."

579
00:28:14.109 --> 00:28:16.528
[laughs]

580
00:28:19.406 --> 00:28:21.491
We left the museum.
We was like, "Let's get a cab."

581
00:28:21.574 --> 00:28:25.161
I was like, "Fuck it, let's Uber. Let's
see what the London Uber shit is like."

582
00:28:25.662 --> 00:28:27.747
Like it was gonna be less rapey
or somethin'.

583
00:28:28.707 --> 00:28:30.709
Like, "Maybe it's not as rapey,
or maybe it's rapey

584
00:28:30.792 --> 00:28:32.919
with, like, a tip of the hat
or somethin'."

585
00:28:33.712 --> 00:28:34.671
[laughs]

586
00:28:34.754 --> 00:28:36.673
Just somethin' different, you know?

587
00:28:37.340 --> 00:28:38.425
[laughing]

588
00:28:39.342 --> 00:28:41.052
So we get an Uber,
and I-- I will say this--

589
00:28:41.136 --> 00:28:43.304
I didn't like, also, being overseas...
'Cause...

590
00:28:43.388 --> 00:28:46.850
I just feel like people are ballsy now
'cause of who the president is,

591
00:28:46.933 --> 00:28:48.309
how, like, our country is, like,

592
00:28:48.393 --> 00:28:51.771
so people feel like
they can just talk shit to you, you know?

593
00:28:51.855 --> 00:28:54.315
You go to a foreign country,
people are like, "Huh," you know?

594
00:28:54.399 --> 00:28:55.734
Think they can take fucking shots

595
00:28:55.817 --> 00:28:57.694
'cause they think
our country's in despair.

596
00:28:57.777 --> 00:29:00.572
So I get in the Uber,
and as soon as he hears my accent,

597
00:29:01.072 --> 00:29:02.449
the motherfucker goes off.

598
00:29:03.158 --> 00:29:05.744
He's like, "Ugh, America, ugh, eurgh...

599
00:29:06.244 --> 00:29:10.331
Eurgh! Trump! Bleurgh!
When are you guys gonna do--"

600
00:29:10.415 --> 00:29:13.042
Like, nigga, Theresa May, Hitler.
Suck my dick.

601
00:29:13.126 --> 00:29:14.753
-[applauding]
-[man] Yeah!

602
00:29:15.754 --> 00:29:19.424
Like you don't have your fuckin' problems.
Lick my balls. Get out of here.

603
00:29:20.592 --> 00:29:21.843
[laughs]

604
00:29:24.471 --> 00:29:28.433
I don't get defensive. I think a lot
of people get fuckin' defensive, you know?

605
00:29:28.516 --> 00:29:30.643
Especially liberals.
Liberals like to defend America.

606
00:29:30.727 --> 00:29:33.271
"Don't judge us by the president.

607
00:29:33.354 --> 00:29:35.982
We are such a better country
than the president."

608
00:29:36.065 --> 00:29:38.067
No the fuck we're not!

609
00:29:38.693 --> 00:29:42.322
If we were,
he wouldn't be the fucking president.

610
00:29:42.405 --> 00:29:43.990
[cheering, applauding]

611
00:29:44.073 --> 00:29:46.367
That's not how shit works.

612
00:29:47.243 --> 00:29:51.498
We're better than Trump?
We're a country of Golden Corral buffets.

613
00:29:52.624 --> 00:29:55.293
Who the fuck do be think we are?

614
00:29:55.877 --> 00:29:58.713
Trash! We're trash.

615
00:29:58.797 --> 00:30:03.259
Troughs of macaroni, 9.99 prime rib.
That's our shit. Garbage shit.

616
00:30:06.012 --> 00:30:08.389
Dollar burgers from fast-food restaurants,

617
00:30:08.473 --> 00:30:10.725
then we complain
when them shits gives us cancer.

618
00:30:10.809 --> 00:30:13.978
"Hey! This 99-cent meat almost killed me!"

619
00:30:14.062 --> 00:30:19.025
Duh, bitch! How the fuck
you think you get 99-cent meat?

620
00:30:20.318 --> 00:30:22.237
You stretch it out
with a little bit of cancer!

621
00:30:22.320 --> 00:30:24.239
There's only one way to make this shit!

622
00:30:25.406 --> 00:30:28.034
How else do you think we achieve
this fuckin' goal? You...

623
00:30:29.786 --> 00:30:30.787
dummy.

624
00:30:35.250 --> 00:30:36.459
Plus, I don't know...

625
00:30:37.377 --> 00:30:40.129
Trump's our first nigga president.
That's gotta matter.

626
00:30:41.214 --> 00:30:43.716
In the history and shit.
I'm talking about history-wise.

627
00:30:43.800 --> 00:30:45.301
I'm not talkin' about right now.

628
00:30:45.385 --> 00:30:48.471
I'm talking about when we look back at
the world. "Oh, we in the history books."

629
00:30:48.555 --> 00:30:51.766
Pfft, pfft. We're gonna see Barack.
We'll be like, "Oh, good black man."

630
00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:53.351
There's Trump, a whole nigga.

631
00:30:56.145 --> 00:30:58.231
First time we ever had a nigga
in the White House,

632
00:30:58.314 --> 00:30:59.566
and the first nigga is white.

633
00:30:59.649 --> 00:31:00.984
That gotta mean somethin'.

634
00:31:05.738 --> 00:31:08.408
He ain't ever been a president.
That's why Democrats can't beat him.

635
00:31:08.491 --> 00:31:11.327
They know how to deal with presidents.
Not how to deal with niggas.

636
00:31:12.370 --> 00:31:14.122
This is all back-of-the-bus energy.

637
00:31:14.205 --> 00:31:15.707
[cheering, applauding]

638
00:31:16.374 --> 00:31:18.877
They don't know
what the fuck to do with that.

639
00:31:22.547 --> 00:31:25.550
Every decision is a nigga decision.
He ain't never been presidential.

640
00:31:25.633 --> 00:31:28.636
He just let 11 of his friends outta jail
for no reason.

641
00:31:29.804 --> 00:31:31.306
[cheering]

642
00:31:31.389 --> 00:31:33.975
Everything y'all thought
the black one was gonna do.

643
00:31:34.934 --> 00:31:37.437
If you white and voted for him,
everything you thought the black--

644
00:31:37.520 --> 00:31:39.981
He was just like, "Let 'em out."
"Why?" "'Cause I like 'em.

645
00:31:40.857 --> 00:31:42.483
They my friends. Let 'em out."

646
00:31:44.193 --> 00:31:45.987
He killed an Iranian general.

647
00:31:46.070 --> 00:31:48.072
He killed a general of another country

648
00:31:48.156 --> 00:31:50.491
that we have consistently
had problems with.

649
00:31:50.575 --> 00:31:51.993
Killed this man, and first of all,

650
00:31:52.076 --> 00:31:54.454
I didn't even know
we was mad at them at the moment.

651
00:31:55.204 --> 00:31:57.749
Had no idea. That's how you know
that was some personal nigga shit.

652
00:31:57.832 --> 00:32:00.710
That was beef. He was like, "If you see
the nigga slidin', hit my jack.

653
00:32:02.253 --> 00:32:03.838
I don't like that motherfucker."

654
00:32:03.922 --> 00:32:05.673
-[cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]

655
00:32:05.757 --> 00:32:08.092
"You catch him dipping,
hit my jack, hit my jack.

656
00:32:08.176 --> 00:32:09.802
I got somethin' for his ass."

657
00:32:11.054 --> 00:32:14.682
Confused Iran so much, they put 80 mil
on his head. They didn't know what to do.

658
00:32:14.766 --> 00:32:17.018
That's not how diplomat--
Just, "80 mil on the nigga head."

659
00:32:17.101 --> 00:32:18.603
Like it was a WorldStar beef.

660
00:32:19.395 --> 00:32:21.856
"Put 80 mil on his head,
20 mil for the chain."

661
00:32:23.733 --> 00:32:25.985
I don't what's happenin'
in the world anymore.

662
00:32:28.780 --> 00:32:31.491
[laughs] And when a president
makes a move like that,

663
00:32:31.574 --> 00:32:34.535
the president kills
the leader of another country,

664
00:32:34.619 --> 00:32:36.204
the president gets on the news.

665
00:32:36.663 --> 00:32:40.500
Matter of fact,
every channel becomes the fucking news.

666
00:32:40.583 --> 00:32:43.461
You turn on any channel,
it's the president, from the Oval,

667
00:32:43.544 --> 00:32:46.339
and he's like, "Hey, man,
some heinous shit went down.

668
00:32:46.422 --> 00:32:48.800
But I'm the president,
and I had to protect y'all.

669
00:32:48.883 --> 00:32:51.344
And I do what's right,
and I stand for what's right,

670
00:32:51.427 --> 00:32:53.888
so you don't ever have to worry about it
'cause I got your back.

671
00:32:53.972 --> 00:32:55.848
President out. America's the best."

672
00:32:55.932 --> 00:32:57.767
That's what the president does.

673
00:32:57.850 --> 00:32:59.644
A nigga gets on Twitter...

674
00:32:59.727 --> 00:33:01.354
[cheering]

675
00:33:01.437 --> 00:33:04.148
...tweets the American flag
like it's a Crip bandana...

676
00:33:05.316 --> 00:33:08.111
and is like, "What's cracking?
I don't like the nigga. What are you...

677
00:33:08.778 --> 00:33:09.904
Who's confused?"

678
00:33:20.164 --> 00:33:22.250
From the top of his presidency,
he's been on this shit.

679
00:33:22.333 --> 00:33:23.960
Very early, we brought him
a serious prob--

680
00:33:24.043 --> 00:33:26.587
We're like, "Hey, Mr. President,
kids are bringing guns to schools.

681
00:33:26.671 --> 00:33:28.339
They're shootin' up schools.
What do we do?"

682
00:33:28.423 --> 00:33:30.717
He was like, "Get the teachers guns, then.

683
00:33:31.551 --> 00:33:36.222
Niggas bustin' at you, bust back.
That's what-- that's what I always say.

684
00:33:36.973 --> 00:33:39.183
That's how you handle shit
in the projects."

685
00:33:47.275 --> 00:33:51.029
Plus, I don't know, me and my girl's
dynamic is all fucked up, still.

686
00:33:51.112 --> 00:33:53.573
Like, we gotta work out all our shit.

687
00:33:53.656 --> 00:33:55.950
Like, right now,
we not celebratin' holidays.

688
00:33:56.576 --> 00:33:58.077
We canceled all the holidays.

689
00:33:59.328 --> 00:34:02.915
I don't fuck with none of them.
Valentine's Day, Christmas...

690
00:34:02.999 --> 00:34:05.585
Only thing we do is birthdays.
I don't do shit else.

691
00:34:06.377 --> 00:34:09.714
She thinks I'm being mean. I'm like,
"No, we'll celebrate the holidays again

692
00:34:09.797 --> 00:34:10.798
when you get a job."

693
00:34:13.968 --> 00:34:16.971
Right now, she's not workin', right?
And when I met my girl, she all the--

694
00:34:17.055 --> 00:34:19.599
Like, It's not like my girl
don't get her shit off, but right now,

695
00:34:19.682 --> 00:34:21.517
she just in a transition,
she not working.

696
00:34:21.601 --> 00:34:23.269
And when I met her,
I didn't make any money.

697
00:34:23.352 --> 00:34:26.606
I was broke. She made a lot of money.
But now, it's the opposite.

698
00:34:27.231 --> 00:34:29.942
I make a lotta, lotta money
and she makes, like, zero money.

699
00:34:31.194 --> 00:34:32.487
So, no, we not doin' holidays.

700
00:34:32.570 --> 00:34:35.823
What the fuck am I gonna do a holiday with
you for? It's not fair. It's not equal.

701
00:34:36.949 --> 00:34:39.952
We're not having equal transactions,
like two adults should.

702
00:34:40.286 --> 00:34:43.122
Right? It's not like I buy her a Louis
bag, she buys me some Gucci shoes.

703
00:34:43.206 --> 00:34:45.249
Holiday? No. I buy her a Louis bag

704
00:34:45.333 --> 00:34:47.293
and then she gives me a coupon
for a back rub

705
00:34:47.376 --> 00:34:49.253
like she's seven fucking years old.

706
00:34:50.379 --> 00:34:53.800
I gotta look in her eyes, act like
this is a respectable fucking gift

707
00:34:53.883 --> 00:34:55.551
'cause she's put me on the spot!

708
00:34:55.635 --> 00:34:59.055
"This is from my heart, and I mean it."
"Bitch, I don't want a back rub from you!

709
00:34:59.138 --> 00:35:01.057
You don't even know
how to back rub right!"

710
00:35:08.314 --> 00:35:11.609
So, no. No holidays.
I don't want to bring a kid into this.

711
00:35:11.692 --> 00:35:15.571
Now I gotta pay for her, pay for you,
do all this shit, protect you both

712
00:35:15.655 --> 00:35:17.865
'cause she thinks that too,
'cause she's crazy.

713
00:35:19.367 --> 00:35:22.495
You know, I get that I'm wearin'
the outfit, but, nigga, I can't fight.

714
00:35:23.871 --> 00:35:27.291
Chill! These fuckin' underwears
don't give me superpowers, honey.

715
00:35:27.875 --> 00:35:28.876
[laughs]

716
00:35:29.627 --> 00:35:31.212
The other day, I was in the shower,

717
00:35:31.295 --> 00:35:34.173
she went to the store
and she didn't lock the fuckin' door.

718
00:35:34.257 --> 00:35:36.425
That's how I know she thinks
I can handle everything.

719
00:35:36.843 --> 00:35:41.055
That's crazy... to leave a woman
in the shower, titties soaped up.

720
00:35:42.598 --> 00:35:45.518
Get what I'm saying?
I'm in the shower, my titties are soapy.

721
00:35:46.936 --> 00:35:48.771
I got soapy titties in this shower.

722
00:35:49.397 --> 00:35:51.149
And my shit's perky. They sit...

723
00:35:51.858 --> 00:35:54.902
I pop these shits out the bra,
they only go to here. They good.

724
00:35:55.486 --> 00:35:56.779
These is good titties.

725
00:35:57.196 --> 00:35:59.574
Not a lot of wear and tear
'cause I don't take a lot of dick,

726
00:35:59.657 --> 00:36:01.242
so they not bouncin' around.

727
00:36:01.868 --> 00:36:05.371
Solid titties.
You understand what I'm sayin'?

728
00:36:05.872 --> 00:36:07.874
Up here. On point.

729
00:36:10.084 --> 00:36:11.502
[laughing]

730
00:36:13.254 --> 00:36:17.425
So I get out the shower, I check the door,
the shit is unlocked. I was livid!

731
00:36:17.508 --> 00:36:21.679
Livid. I was like, "Yo, that's fucked up.
How dare you don't lock the door."

732
00:36:21.762 --> 00:36:23.890
She was like,
"How did you even know it was unlocked?"

733
00:36:23.973 --> 00:36:26.184
Like, "Bitch, 'cause I'm a bitch,
and I checked.

734
00:36:26.267 --> 00:36:28.644
I'm petty, bitch.
What are you talkin' about?

735
00:36:28.728 --> 00:36:31.397
The first thing I did, hit that lock,
see what you was on.

736
00:36:32.315 --> 00:36:34.317
And figured out you on bullshit!"

737
00:36:38.654 --> 00:36:40.489
She was like, "I don't get the big deal."

738
00:36:40.573 --> 00:36:42.742
I was like, "The big deal is
whenever you're in the house

739
00:36:42.825 --> 00:36:44.493
and I leave the house,
I lock up the house,

740
00:36:44.577 --> 00:36:45.870
'cause that's the rules of pussy.

741
00:36:45.953 --> 00:36:47.330
Pussy in the house, lock it up.

742
00:36:47.413 --> 00:36:50.208
Everybody know that.
Everyone's been taught that.

743
00:36:50.291 --> 00:36:52.418
Pussy inside, lock the pussy inside.

744
00:36:53.294 --> 00:36:56.964
You don't leave it loose, willy-nilly,
for anything to fuckin' happen!"

745
00:36:57.590 --> 00:37:00.968
She left me ass-naked in the shower as if
the rapist was gonna come in and be like,

746
00:37:01.802 --> 00:37:04.096
"Nah, she got a fade.
I ain't gonna do it."

747
00:37:04.180 --> 00:37:05.014
[cheering]

748
00:37:05.431 --> 00:37:08.351
"What I don't do is take fade pussy.
That's off the menu.

749
00:37:11.771 --> 00:37:14.565
I take all types of ass,
but not the one that's faded."

750
00:37:15.691 --> 00:37:16.776
Jesus Christ!

751
00:37:18.402 --> 00:37:19.528
[laughs]

752
00:37:21.822 --> 00:37:24.075
The other night, we were in bed,
we both heard somethin'.

753
00:37:24.158 --> 00:37:26.619
I said, "Babe, did you hear that?"
She's like, "Yeah, go check."

754
00:37:26.702 --> 00:37:28.287
"Bitch, why me?

755
00:37:28.955 --> 00:37:32.291
If there's a whole nigga in here,
we both need to go check.

756
00:37:32.750 --> 00:37:35.211
It's gonna take two of us
to get him the fuck outta here.

757
00:37:35.294 --> 00:37:36.879
What are you talkin' about?

758
00:37:36.963 --> 00:37:40.424
We both might end up suckin'
this dude's dick at the end of the day.

759
00:37:42.176 --> 00:37:44.929
And, bitch, you're on the balls,
'cause I pay the rent."

760
00:37:45.012 --> 00:37:46.597
[applauding]

761
00:37:46.681 --> 00:37:49.225
"I'm not suckin' balls
and payin' rent, baby girl.

762
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:52.979
I'm all tip then shaft.
Them balls are yours."

763
00:37:56.816 --> 00:37:58.818
-[laughs]
-[woman] Oh, shit!

764
00:37:58.901 --> 00:38:00.903
[laughing]

765
00:38:02.446 --> 00:38:04.365
Then we gotta have
that goofy shit over cereal.

766
00:38:04.448 --> 00:38:06.492
"We did what we had to do.

767
00:38:07.952 --> 00:38:10.204
-Let's not talk about the shit."
-[cheering]

768
00:38:10.288 --> 00:38:12.665
"But, babe,
you was really suckin' them balls."

769
00:38:13.874 --> 00:38:15.001
Goin' down!

770
00:38:16.627 --> 00:38:19.255
[laughs]

771
00:38:20.798 --> 00:38:21.924
Whew!

772
00:38:24.760 --> 00:38:26.012
[chuckles]

773
00:38:26.470 --> 00:38:29.348
Plus, I don't know,
fucking kids suck nowadays, you know?

774
00:38:30.182 --> 00:38:32.768
I don't wanna bring a kid into this--
Every kid now, they're shitty.

775
00:38:32.852 --> 00:38:34.437
They're all too smart. Shut up.

776
00:38:35.104 --> 00:38:38.774
They've all got all these wild
fuckin' opinions about the world,

777
00:38:38.858 --> 00:38:40.735
know who they are at two and shit.

778
00:38:40.818 --> 00:38:43.154
I don't want--
I don't got the energy for that.

779
00:38:43.571 --> 00:38:45.740
I want a dumbass kid. I want a '90s baby.

780
00:38:45.823 --> 00:38:49.076
Put some fucking play dough in your ear
and just stare at the TV.

781
00:38:50.244 --> 00:38:51.370
[laughs]

782
00:38:52.413 --> 00:38:54.790
Don't want an astute fucking--
[grunts]

783
00:38:57.460 --> 00:38:59.754
I do want a weird one.
I do want a little weird one, though.

784
00:38:59.837 --> 00:39:01.714
I did think that.
I want a little Jaden Smith.

785
00:39:03.549 --> 00:39:06.635
I want a little weird fucker. I do. I just
want a kid, I don't know what he's on.

786
00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:09.305
Like, one day, he's a ninja,
the next day, he's gay.

787
00:39:10.765 --> 00:39:14.268
The next day, he's into polygamy.
I'm like, "Yeah, fuck that, do it all!"

788
00:39:14.352 --> 00:39:17.605
I want a little-- Mm! I hate when
black people don't fuck with Jaden Smith.

789
00:39:17.688 --> 00:39:20.524
I love what... I see that as progress.
I'm like, "It's so great."

790
00:39:21.108 --> 00:39:22.902
Like, when--
Especially hyper-masculine dudes,

791
00:39:22.985 --> 00:39:25.654
"What they doin' to that kid?
They raisin' that kid all weird!"

792
00:39:26.113 --> 00:39:28.532
It's like, "Yeah, that's dope!
We need a weird one.

793
00:39:28.616 --> 00:39:31.243
Finally, we got a weird black kid.
That's amazing."

794
00:39:31.327 --> 00:39:34.288
Like, every time I see Jaden Smith,
I feel like one of those slaves in Django

795
00:39:34.372 --> 00:39:36.582
when he rode by on that horse. [laughs]

796
00:39:37.375 --> 00:39:42.963
I'm like, "Look at this magical nigga!
Just doin' whatever he wants."

797
00:39:43.381 --> 00:39:46.342
This motherfucker is dressed like Batman
with no shoes on,

798
00:39:46.425 --> 00:39:48.844
singin' about the stars,
kissin' white women in the mouth.

799
00:39:48.928 --> 00:39:51.180
That's Martin Luther King's dream!

800
00:39:51.889 --> 00:39:54.683
Let's celebrate that shit. That's amazing.

801
00:39:57.770 --> 00:39:58.896
I want a little weird one.

802
00:39:58.979 --> 00:40:01.649
I just don't want one of these
super-smart ones that knows everything.

803
00:40:01.732 --> 00:40:03.776
Like, I don't want
a little Greta Thunberg baby.

804
00:40:04.985 --> 00:40:06.821
I don't. I hate that little bitch.

805
00:40:07.822 --> 00:40:09.156
I hate that little fuckin' girl,

806
00:40:09.240 --> 00:40:11.909
and I hate that you can't say
you hate the little fuckin' girl

807
00:40:11.992 --> 00:40:13.285
'cause she autistic or whatever.

808
00:40:13.369 --> 00:40:14.537
That's so stupid.

809
00:40:15.079 --> 00:40:17.456
That's so stupid. I don't hate the girl
'cause she's autistic.

810
00:40:17.540 --> 00:40:20.000
I'm not a fuckin' savage.
I hate her 'cause she annoying,

811
00:40:20.084 --> 00:40:21.752
and those are separate things.

812
00:40:21.836 --> 00:40:25.089
You can be autistic and annoying, bitch.

813
00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:27.133
I know plenty of autistic niggas
not annoying.

814
00:40:27.216 --> 00:40:30.511
They know a lot about Star Wars,
they got facts I didn't have. It's dope.

815
00:40:31.554 --> 00:40:33.597
This little bitch? Ugh, shut up.

816
00:40:34.432 --> 00:40:37.852
Like, her parents gotta be exhausted.
Like, "Okay, bitch, we get it.

817
00:40:37.935 --> 00:40:39.228
Okay. Okay.

818
00:40:39.311 --> 00:40:40.479
Okay!"

819
00:40:48.070 --> 00:40:49.280
I hate her attitude.

820
00:40:50.114 --> 00:40:53.409
I get the message, it's the way
she's presentin' it that's fuckin' trash.

821
00:40:53.492 --> 00:40:55.703
People wanna accept that
and be real about that.

822
00:40:55.786 --> 00:40:59.415
It's like, tell the truth.
Her presentation sucks. Right?

823
00:40:59.874 --> 00:41:02.626
I would fuck with her more
if her attitude was this.

824
00:41:03.085 --> 00:41:06.714
"Everybody's fucked up.
We all messed up the planet.

825
00:41:06.797 --> 00:41:10.759
And we all need to come together
to fix this, 'cause we all did bad."

826
00:41:10.843 --> 00:41:13.596
But her message is,
"Adults, you fucked up.

827
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:16.974
Adults, you left me a bad planet.
Adults, you did wrong."

828
00:41:17.057 --> 00:41:20.311
Bitch, the shit was fucked up for me too!
What the fuck are you talkin' about?

829
00:41:20.394 --> 00:41:22.980
I didn't walk onto
a pristine Earth, bitch!

830
00:41:23.772 --> 00:41:26.025
This shit been bad--
Matter of fact, when I was a kid,

831
00:41:26.108 --> 00:41:29.570
they told me California
was gonna be gone by now, bitch.

832
00:41:29.653 --> 00:41:32.156
Be glad that shit's still here,
motherfucker.

833
00:41:35.034 --> 00:41:35.868
Dummy.

834
00:41:37.620 --> 00:41:41.081
They've never given a fuck about
the future. No one cares about the future.

835
00:41:41.165 --> 00:41:42.958
People care about their kids.

836
00:41:43.042 --> 00:41:46.128
That's it. When I was seven,
I went to Disney World on a plane

837
00:41:46.212 --> 00:41:47.463
full of cigarette smoke.

838
00:41:48.297 --> 00:41:50.508
Coughed the whole way.
All they did was offer me Sprite.

839
00:41:50.591 --> 00:41:52.510
-"You want some Sprite, little nigga?"
-[cheering]

840
00:41:53.052 --> 00:41:55.679
"Clear that cough up,
or whatever you got goin' on."

841
00:41:58.182 --> 00:42:00.392
Supposed to care about this bitch.
Shut up!

842
00:42:06.190 --> 00:42:08.609
A lot of shit goin' on.
It would be weird to bring kids--

843
00:42:08.692 --> 00:42:12.071
There's a lot of shit. I might have a kid,
she's three, and she knows she's trans.

844
00:42:12.154 --> 00:42:13.447
I'm not ready for that.

845
00:42:13.531 --> 00:42:16.408
I don't have the energy
to talk to a trans three-year-old.

846
00:42:17.701 --> 00:42:19.745
Like, "Bitch, I don't know.
What? What are you saying?

847
00:42:19.828 --> 00:42:22.623
I don't know. Just color with
the other color, then, bitch. Go away."

848
00:42:24.083 --> 00:42:25.709
[laughs]

849
00:42:26.335 --> 00:42:28.504
"Just use blue, then.
I don't fucking care!"

850
00:42:30.214 --> 00:42:31.131
[laughs]

851
00:42:31.632 --> 00:42:33.759
I don't wanna be stressed about this shit.

852
00:42:34.176 --> 00:42:37.263
I'm not gonna act like I have the answers.
I think that's the problem.

853
00:42:37.346 --> 00:42:40.140
We act like we have all the answers.
It's like, no, you can be confused.

854
00:42:40.224 --> 00:42:43.894
I think sometimes, people--
Even I have this, as a queer person.

855
00:42:44.395 --> 00:42:46.855
I sometimes take people's confusion
as an attack.

856
00:42:46.939 --> 00:42:48.691
It's like,
no, they just don't fuckin' know.

857
00:42:48.774 --> 00:42:52.444
I think also, sometimes, people be
confused and be attacking.

858
00:42:52.528 --> 00:42:55.573
You know what I mean? You're so confused
until, like, "It ain't right!"

859
00:42:55.656 --> 00:42:57.032
Both of those things are wrong,

860
00:42:57.116 --> 00:42:59.159
and somewhere in the middle
is the right answer,

861
00:42:59.243 --> 00:43:01.495
which is no one knows
what the fuck they're talkin' about.

862
00:43:01.996 --> 00:43:04.582
There's a bunch of gray,
and we don't have all the answers yet,

863
00:43:04.665 --> 00:43:08.210
'cause the world is moving faster than
fucking what we're ready to think about.

864
00:43:08.294 --> 00:43:11.463
And it's okay to be uncomfortable,
it's okay to be confused.

865
00:43:11.547 --> 00:43:14.049
It's not okay to say people
shouldn't have the same rights as you.

866
00:43:14.133 --> 00:43:16.010
That's what's not okay. But you can--

867
00:43:16.093 --> 00:43:18.637
-[cheering, applauding]
-You can be all the other shit,

868
00:43:18.721 --> 00:43:20.347
'cause that's fucking human.

869
00:43:21.765 --> 00:43:24.143
Confusion is fucking reasonable.

870
00:43:24.226 --> 00:43:28.022
There'll be a lot of things we don't get
and a lot of questions we're gonna have.

871
00:43:28.105 --> 00:43:30.733
My homey called me the other day,
and he was like,

872
00:43:30.816 --> 00:43:34.570
"Hey, nigga, I got a question, and you
should know the answer 'cause you gay."

873
00:43:35.446 --> 00:43:37.156
That kinda charged me up,
I'm not gonna lie.

874
00:43:37.239 --> 00:43:40.451
I was like, "What? I'm the gayest nigga
you know. What the fuck is the question?

875
00:43:43.579 --> 00:43:45.539
I got all the gay facts, nigga. What?"

876
00:43:48.083 --> 00:43:51.337
And he was like, "What do you do
when you see a trans bitch

877
00:43:51.837 --> 00:43:53.213
beatin' up a regular bitch?"

878
00:43:53.297 --> 00:43:56.467
And I was like, "Mmm? That, I don't know.

879
00:43:58.677 --> 00:44:00.554
No, I don't have an answer for that."

880
00:44:02.056 --> 00:44:03.974
I know some of y'all are gettin' tight.
I feel it.

881
00:44:04.058 --> 00:44:06.310
Y'all gettin' tight, like,
"What does she mean, regular..."

882
00:44:06.393 --> 00:44:09.438
First of all, he's not gay, he just did it
the best he could, you know?

883
00:44:09.521 --> 00:44:12.441
He called everyone bitches,
so it was universal. Chill out.

884
00:44:15.110 --> 00:44:16.320
[laughs]

885
00:44:17.613 --> 00:44:19.531
But we really don't have
the answer to that.

886
00:44:19.615 --> 00:44:21.909
That's somethin' I didn't think about
till he presented it.

887
00:44:21.992 --> 00:44:26.246
What are we gonna do when trans bitches
start beatin' up regular bitches?

888
00:44:26.955 --> 00:44:29.708
As a regular bitch,
I'm a tad bit concerned.

889
00:44:31.335 --> 00:44:34.797
Not gonna lie. I don't wanna be in a fight
with one of these motherfuckers.

890
00:44:34.880 --> 00:44:37.341
"Let them fight!"
"No, get this nigga off me."

891
00:44:37.424 --> 00:44:38.634
[applauding]

892
00:44:38.717 --> 00:44:41.595
"This motherfucker is strong in ways
I did not expect.

893
00:44:43.138 --> 00:44:44.223
Please help."

894
00:44:46.141 --> 00:44:47.851
[laughing, applauding]

895
00:44:47.935 --> 00:44:49.269
[chuckles]

896
00:44:49.353 --> 00:44:52.481
I'm not sayin' trans women aren't women.
I'm not one of those corny-ass--

897
00:44:52.564 --> 00:44:54.525
Trans women are women,
shut the fuck up,

898
00:44:54.608 --> 00:44:57.319
but when one of those women's hands
is big enough to palm a football...

899
00:44:57.695 --> 00:45:00.989
and she's cavin' the other woman's
chest in, we gotta make some notes...

900
00:45:01.699 --> 00:45:03.367
maybe figure out a new approach,

901
00:45:04.284 --> 00:45:08.163
how we're gonna work this shit out,
to move on as a goddamn society.

902
00:45:10.624 --> 00:45:13.377
I hate women that don't embrace
trans women. That's corny.

903
00:45:13.460 --> 00:45:15.504
"They're not real women."
Shut up! They're real women.

904
00:45:15.587 --> 00:45:18.841
They're contourin', waxin' all the shit.
They're doin' everything you do, goofy.

905
00:45:18.924 --> 00:45:20.926
Pluckin' their chin hairs, you dumbass.

906
00:45:23.595 --> 00:45:24.888
Plus, what are you talkin' about?

907
00:45:24.972 --> 00:45:27.182
Women who don't embrace trans women,
what are you saying?

908
00:45:27.266 --> 00:45:28.434
Who do you think we are?

909
00:45:28.517 --> 00:45:30.644
We need these super bitches.
Are you stupid?

910
00:45:30.728 --> 00:45:32.271
These are our X-Men.

911
00:45:32.938 --> 00:45:35.357
-[cheering]
-The world is about to change for us.

912
00:45:35.816 --> 00:45:37.443
Get fuckin' excited.

913
00:45:38.318 --> 00:45:40.446
This is a goddamn blessing.

914
00:45:41.989 --> 00:45:45.242
What are you sayin'?
Lombardi Trophy, here we come!

915
00:45:45.325 --> 00:45:47.202
We 'bout to be NFL champions, baby!

916
00:45:49.288 --> 00:45:51.999
With these trans bitches on our team,
it's gonna be lit!

917
00:45:52.750 --> 00:45:54.668
You thought we was gonna get
to a NFL championship

918
00:45:54.752 --> 00:45:56.253
without these bitches, you're stupid!

919
00:45:56.962 --> 00:45:59.506
Fuck, no, we wasn't.
I was arguing with this lady.

920
00:45:59.590 --> 00:46:02.468
She was like, "We could do it...
regular cisgendered women... she could..."

921
00:46:02.551 --> 00:46:04.803
Fuck you! No, they couldn't.
No, they couldn't.

922
00:46:04.887 --> 00:46:05.888
Let's say, miraculously,

923
00:46:05.971 --> 00:46:08.307
we had some cisgender woman
who gets all the way to the NFL.

924
00:46:08.390 --> 00:46:11.226
She's never fucking been touched
all her career, right?

925
00:46:11.310 --> 00:46:12.978
She's some flat-chested phenom.

926
00:46:14.563 --> 00:46:16.565
That's what she'd have to be
to cut through the wind

927
00:46:16.648 --> 00:46:18.901
so no one could get her,
she couldn't have no titties.

928
00:46:18.984 --> 00:46:21.987
She's flat-chested, and she just...
bam, bam, bam, bam!

929
00:46:22.070 --> 00:46:24.782
Her whole career, wham!
"Oh, my God, they can't touch her!" Bam!

930
00:46:24.865 --> 00:46:27.701
Why? 'Cause she aerodynamic
'cause the titties gone. Wham!

931
00:46:28.786 --> 00:46:30.954
Let's say this happens
in the fucking world.

932
00:46:31.038 --> 00:46:33.207
She's gonna get to the NFL,
she's gonna get tackled once,

933
00:46:33.290 --> 00:46:34.958
and the bitch is gonna die.

934
00:46:37.252 --> 00:46:38.170
Dead.

935
00:46:42.216 --> 00:46:44.927
We need a trans bitch,
high-steppin', face-maskin'.

936
00:46:46.720 --> 00:46:48.096
Gettin' the fuck in.

937
00:46:49.264 --> 00:46:51.558
I can't wait. I can't wait to see it.

938
00:46:51.642 --> 00:46:54.520
She gonna be in her Fashion Nova dress,
holdin' the trophy over...

939
00:46:54.603 --> 00:46:55.938
"Aaaaah!"

940
00:46:56.021 --> 00:46:56.855
Lit.

941
00:46:57.564 --> 00:47:00.400
Bitch lit. Triple D titties
'cause she's trans and confident.

942
00:47:00.484 --> 00:47:01.652
Titties out to here.

943
00:47:05.489 --> 00:47:06.698
You, ma'am, say you out--

944
00:47:06.782 --> 00:47:08.992
say you out for a night
on the town with all your friends.

945
00:47:09.076 --> 00:47:11.745
One of your friends is a trans woman.
You have the night of your life.

946
00:47:11.829 --> 00:47:14.540
Everyone's pussy's sweaty when you leave
the club. One of those nights.

947
00:47:14.623 --> 00:47:16.792
Everyone pussy sweat.
Pussy sweat all around.

948
00:47:16.875 --> 00:47:20.295
You've sweated your pussies out dancing.
You're like, "This was the night."

949
00:47:21.296 --> 00:47:24.550
You're standin' in front of the club,
some gross-ass dude comes up.

950
00:47:24.633 --> 00:47:27.678
He's like, "Ooh, look at you sexy bitches.
I love every single one of you.

951
00:47:27.761 --> 00:47:31.431
I would love to put my dick on every
single one of you sexy bitches' butts."

952
00:47:31.515 --> 00:47:33.934
And you're like,
"What? How dare you talk to us like that?

953
00:47:34.017 --> 00:47:37.062
You dirty, nasty man. Don't you ever
say anything like that to us again."

954
00:47:37.145 --> 00:47:39.648
He's like, "What? You're just a woman.
I could break your neck."

955
00:47:39.731 --> 00:47:43.277
And then that bitch come from the back,
Boof! "What the fuck you say?"

956
00:47:43.360 --> 00:47:45.404
-Lay that nigga out.
-[cheering, applauding]

957
00:47:45.487 --> 00:47:47.656
He's all confused.
"I felt dick in that punch.

958
00:47:47.739 --> 00:47:51.410
I didn't see no dicks,
but I've been hit by a dick before."

959
00:47:54.246 --> 00:47:56.039
-[laughs]
-[woman] Whoo!

960
00:47:57.124 --> 00:47:58.000
[laughs]

961
00:48:02.588 --> 00:48:05.299
There's also just too much to explain
to a fucking kid.

962
00:48:08.176 --> 00:48:10.137
I'm gonna have to raise my kid
post-Me-Too.

963
00:48:10.220 --> 00:48:13.140
I gotta... walk 'em down
this dumbass path, you know?

964
00:48:13.223 --> 00:48:15.642
I gotta be like,
"This is what happened, and it was crazy,

965
00:48:15.726 --> 00:48:17.102
but then white women went stupid."

966
00:48:17.185 --> 00:48:18.020
You know?

967
00:48:21.315 --> 00:48:22.149
[laughs]

968
00:48:23.191 --> 00:48:25.903
I was all-- I was Me Too-ed up.
I was like, "Get these nasty niggas.

969
00:48:25.986 --> 00:48:28.447
Get 'em off the streets.
They got their dicks on everybody.

970
00:48:28.530 --> 00:48:29.615
Get 'em outta here.

971
00:48:30.449 --> 00:48:33.160
I don't like none of that.
Get 'em outta here. Get 'em outta here.

972
00:48:34.328 --> 00:48:36.955
Get 'em outta here."
And then white women went crazy.

973
00:48:37.748 --> 00:48:40.292
I feel like it just stopped
bein' about, like, what was real.

974
00:48:40.375 --> 00:48:42.878
You know, like, there's a part--
there's a two-level conversation.

975
00:48:42.961 --> 00:48:46.298
Yes. All these dudes in power were using
their power to manipulate situations

976
00:48:46.381 --> 00:48:48.383
and be terrible to women,
a hundred percent.

977
00:48:48.467 --> 00:48:51.219
But in all those situations,
women had a choice.

978
00:48:51.803 --> 00:48:55.015
If we never speak to that choice,
we are disempowering women.

979
00:48:55.098 --> 00:48:58.310
The most empowering thing
is to know even in the dire straits,

980
00:48:58.393 --> 00:48:59.853
you have a choice.

981
00:49:00.270 --> 00:49:03.607
You can always choose,
and sometimes choosing to say "Fuck you"

982
00:49:03.690 --> 00:49:06.193
-is the most illest choice you can make.
-[man] Yo!

983
00:49:06.276 --> 00:49:08.904
-[applauding]
-And if we don't pass that down

984
00:49:08.987 --> 00:49:11.907
to young women,
then what the fuck are we saying?

985
00:49:11.990 --> 00:49:13.492
It's weird. So I had to stop--

986
00:49:13.575 --> 00:49:16.286
I was like, "I can't be a part
of this shit. This is goofy."

987
00:49:16.370 --> 00:49:18.664
I was done with it
when it landed on Aziz Ansari.

988
00:49:18.747 --> 00:49:20.707
That's when I was really like,
"Fuck this."

989
00:49:20.791 --> 00:49:23.585
When it got to Aziz, I said,
"I can't do this anymore. Really?"

990
00:49:23.669 --> 00:49:25.837
And it's not 'cause I'm defendin' Aziz.
I wasn't there.

991
00:49:25.921 --> 00:49:28.382
I'm not sayin' he did or didn't.
That has nothin' to do with it.

992
00:49:28.465 --> 00:49:31.635
There's not a woman in here who doesn't
think she could beat that nigga's ass.

993
00:49:31.718 --> 00:49:34.262
-That's what I'm sayin'.
-[cheering, applauding]

994
00:49:34.346 --> 00:49:35.847
That was goofy to me.

995
00:49:37.099 --> 00:49:40.936
The end of that blog should've been, "Then
I punched that dumb nigga in the face...

996
00:49:41.395 --> 00:49:43.105
and left his goddamn apartment."

997
00:49:44.272 --> 00:49:46.566
You ain't even got to punch Aziz.
Just buck at that nigga.

998
00:49:46.650 --> 00:49:48.735
"Ugh, get the fuck out of here. Goofy!"

999
00:49:51.863 --> 00:49:55.867
We gotta teach girls to fight. I'm not
taking a L off a 5′5″ Indian nigga.

1000
00:49:57.619 --> 00:50:00.330
[scoffs] 5′5″ Indian niggas,
swing at them!

1001
00:50:01.581 --> 00:50:04.584
I'm not saying Indian niggas are soft,
but I ain't never heard this statement.

1002
00:50:04.668 --> 00:50:06.920
"That Indian nigga beat my ass."
I ain't never heard that.

1003
00:50:07.004 --> 00:50:08.255
[cheering]

1004
00:50:08.338 --> 00:50:10.424
So, I'ma take my goddamn chances.

1005
00:50:18.765 --> 00:50:20.517
I feel the same way about feminism.

1006
00:50:20.600 --> 00:50:23.729
It's like, ugh! I wanna say
I'm a feminist, but white women...

1007
00:50:23.812 --> 00:50:25.814
-[woman] Yeah!
-[laughing, applauding]

1008
00:50:26.273 --> 00:50:27.107
[woman] Whoo!

1009
00:50:27.190 --> 00:50:29.735
Y'all make it so hard
to get along with shit!

1010
00:50:32.904 --> 00:50:36.366
'Cause white women act like they're--
like it's a brand of feminism,

1011
00:50:36.450 --> 00:50:38.243
and it's theirs
and that's the most dominant.

1012
00:50:38.326 --> 00:50:40.454
They act like they're about all women,
but you're not.

1013
00:50:40.537 --> 00:50:42.914
You're only about white women.
And that's fine.

1014
00:50:43.331 --> 00:50:44.624
You can't be about all women,

1015
00:50:44.708 --> 00:50:46.835
you haven't taken the time
to figure out all women need.

1016
00:50:46.918 --> 00:50:48.336
You just know your white women needs

1017
00:50:48.420 --> 00:50:50.422
and assume if we fix your shit,
it'll trickle down.

1018
00:50:50.505 --> 00:50:53.008
-It's like, no, bitch!
-[laughing, applauding]

1019
00:50:53.842 --> 00:50:57.387
And I'm not mad at white women
being agenda-driven. Be about your shit.

1020
00:50:57.471 --> 00:51:00.515
Be about your shit. But don't mask it
as a cause. Just be real.

1021
00:51:00.599 --> 00:51:03.268
-Be like a Jehovah's Witness.
-[applauding]

1022
00:51:03.351 --> 00:51:04.811
Come knockin' on my door on a Sunday,

1023
00:51:04.895 --> 00:51:06.980
like, "Are you ready
for white women's return?"

1024
00:51:07.064 --> 00:51:08.774
[cheering, applauding]

1025
00:51:08.857 --> 00:51:10.484
"Well, I got somethin' you should read."

1026
00:51:10.567 --> 00:51:12.360
[woman] Whoo!

1027
00:51:13.153 --> 00:51:15.197
Plus, if you want me
to get behind feminism,

1028
00:51:15.280 --> 00:51:17.199
start with somethin'
that's gonna galvanize women.

1029
00:51:17.282 --> 00:51:19.493
Start with somethin'
that's really gonna change some shit.

1030
00:51:19.576 --> 00:51:21.495
Start with teachin' women
how to pee standin' up.

1031
00:51:21.578 --> 00:51:23.955
-How come we not doin' that shit yet?
-[woman] Whoo!

1032
00:51:24.039 --> 00:51:26.500
It's 2020!
How come we still peein' hobbled over

1033
00:51:26.583 --> 00:51:28.710
like dogs and toddlers and shit?

1034
00:51:28.794 --> 00:51:30.087
Fuckin' grown women!

1035
00:51:30.712 --> 00:51:33.131
We should be peeing upright like men.
Know what? We can do it.

1036
00:51:33.215 --> 00:51:35.467
And you know how I know? I fuckin' did it.

1037
00:51:36.051 --> 00:51:38.637
I got tired of this shit one day.
I stood over the toilet,

1038
00:51:38.720 --> 00:51:41.973
I spread my pussy lips, I perked my hole
up, and that bitch went straight.

1039
00:51:42.057 --> 00:51:44.768
-And I was like, "Holy shit!"
-[cheering, applauding]

1040
00:51:44.851 --> 00:51:46.394
[gasping]

1041
00:51:46.478 --> 00:51:49.272
"I could've been doin' this
the whole fuckin' time?"

1042
00:51:50.482 --> 00:51:53.110
-[woman] Whoo!
-"How did I not know this shit?"

1043
00:51:54.194 --> 00:51:56.905
I'll tell you why I didn't know.
'Cause of how women are taught to pee.

1044
00:51:56.988 --> 00:52:01.243
How we're taught to pee is fucked up.
It's trash. Especially in public.

1045
00:52:01.326 --> 00:52:03.995
You know how we're taught to pee?
"Pull the pussy out! Put it away!

1046
00:52:04.079 --> 00:52:06.957
Get out the bathroom,
the rapist is coming. Move, move, move!

1047
00:52:07.040 --> 00:52:09.334
You ain't got time
to hang out in here, bitch. Go!"

1048
00:52:11.503 --> 00:52:14.089
Meanwhile, as soon as dudes see
their dicks, they're stretchin' 'em,

1049
00:52:14.172 --> 00:52:15.715
wrappin' 'em around they leg,

1050
00:52:16.216 --> 00:52:18.635
puttin' them in they butt,
seein' how far they snap back,

1051
00:52:18.718 --> 00:52:19.719
figurin' shit out.

1052
00:52:22.681 --> 00:52:24.266
There's a grown woman in here.

1053
00:52:24.349 --> 00:52:26.935
Grown as fuck, 35-plus,
and every time she pee in public,

1054
00:52:27.018 --> 00:52:29.187
a little pee go down her leg,
and into her shoe.

1055
00:52:29.271 --> 00:52:31.439
-Grown!
-[laughing]

1056
00:52:32.190 --> 00:52:35.152
-She just laughed back there. Grown!
-[applauding]

1057
00:52:36.027 --> 00:52:40.323
Piss in her shoe. Every time.
Confused. "Why does this keep happenin'?"

1058
00:52:41.575 --> 00:52:42.868
I'll tell you why, goofy.

1059
00:52:43.285 --> 00:52:46.204
'Cause you walk around all day,
shit is movin' around down there.

1060
00:52:46.288 --> 00:52:48.707
You're too scared to touch anything,
you whip it out and piss,

1061
00:52:48.790 --> 00:52:51.168
and now you got piss in your right shoe,
you clown!

1062
00:52:51.251 --> 00:52:53.670
Meanwhile, dudes have been
standin' upright for centuries,

1063
00:52:53.753 --> 00:52:55.422
spellin' their names in the snow!

1064
00:52:56.506 --> 00:52:59.593
And you're walkin' around with piss in
your shoe, and you want equal fuckin' pay.

1065
00:52:59.676 --> 00:53:01.386
-Shut up!
-[applauding]

1066
00:53:04.639 --> 00:53:07.100
Even when you go into the men's bathroom,
it's different, bro.

1067
00:53:07.184 --> 00:53:09.686
They free in there. I go in there
sometimes. I get away with it.

1068
00:53:11.062 --> 00:53:12.898
They free in that motherfucker.
They don't care.

1069
00:53:12.981 --> 00:53:14.399
They got little games in the urinal,

1070
00:53:14.482 --> 00:53:16.401
they be peein' on ice and shit,
movin' it around.

1071
00:53:17.194 --> 00:53:18.195
Fuckin' around.

1072
00:53:20.113 --> 00:53:22.490
Dicks out, talkin' wage gap,
changin' the world.

1073
00:53:24.534 --> 00:53:27.704
Even the stall where they shit,
sometimes, it don't have a door.

1074
00:53:28.371 --> 00:53:30.498
There's no door on the stall.
Why? Because they free.

1075
00:53:30.582 --> 00:53:33.293
They're like, "Shit happens back here,
and if you don't wanna see shit,

1076
00:53:33.376 --> 00:53:34.628
don't be in this goddamn corner.

1077
00:53:35.420 --> 00:53:36.504
I don't need a door.

1078
00:53:36.588 --> 00:53:39.716
Just don't come back here if you don't
wanna look at nobody shittin', you fool."

1079
00:53:42.010 --> 00:53:44.638
Meanwhile, in women's bathrooms,
we're hobbled in closets,

1080
00:53:44.721 --> 00:53:45.805
you know what I mean?

1081
00:53:45.889 --> 00:53:49.684
Can't even move around. I got tired
of this shit one day. I cracked the door.

1082
00:53:49.768 --> 00:53:52.270
I said, "I'm not takin' this shit anymore.
It's too tight in here.

1083
00:53:52.354 --> 00:53:54.439
I'm peeing with the door cracked.
I can't take it."

1084
00:53:54.522 --> 00:53:57.692
And then this woman walked in,
she swung the door open.

1085
00:53:57.776 --> 00:54:00.320
'Cause of course, she assumed
the stall was free. That was natural.

1086
00:54:00.403 --> 00:54:03.323
What was unnatural is she saw me,
she screamed,

1087
00:54:04.074 --> 00:54:05.367
as if we both don't have pussies

1088
00:54:05.450 --> 00:54:07.452
and we both don't know
what goes on in the bathroom,

1089
00:54:07.535 --> 00:54:08.995
and she tried to jam the door closed.

1090
00:54:09.079 --> 00:54:11.998
But I held that bitch open.
I said, "Mm-mm, baby girl. Don't do that.

1091
00:54:13.250 --> 00:54:18.463
Make eye contact with me.
This is the revolution right here."

1092
00:54:24.010 --> 00:54:28.098
My girl talked about kids a lot...
while we was traveling.

1093
00:54:28.181 --> 00:54:29.432
That was pissing me off.

1094
00:54:29.808 --> 00:54:31.851
'Cause we was just travelin',
being free lesbians.

1095
00:54:31.935 --> 00:54:33.895
We was just bumpin' pussies. You know?

1096
00:54:34.479 --> 00:54:37.190
Just bumpin' pussies,
not worried about none of the rules.

1097
00:54:37.691 --> 00:54:41.653
She kept bringin' this fucking corny
heteronormative shit into my life.

1098
00:54:41.736 --> 00:54:43.446
"Don't you want kids? Kids?

1099
00:54:43.530 --> 00:54:46.491
Wouldn't this be so much better
if we were experiencing this with kids?"

1100
00:54:46.574 --> 00:54:50.996
"Bitch, no! No, it wouldn't be better.
I don't want fucking kids. Shut up.

1101
00:54:51.955 --> 00:54:55.041
Shut up. I don't know,
maybe I'll do it, but not..." Mm!

1102
00:54:55.583 --> 00:54:57.794
Mm, I got a lot of nephews.
I'm all right.

1103
00:54:58.962 --> 00:54:59.879
You know?

1104
00:55:00.338 --> 00:55:03.550
I don't fucking... Plus, when I do
have a kid, I'ma buy a Asian baby.

1105
00:55:03.633 --> 00:55:05.010
I already have a plan.

1106
00:55:06.511 --> 00:55:09.222
I'm buyin' a dope-ass Asian baby.
I already know what I'm doin'.

1107
00:55:09.306 --> 00:55:10.932
Give this motherfucker a Mohawk.

1108
00:55:11.474 --> 00:55:13.476
Take him dippin' and trippin', you know?

1109
00:55:14.019 --> 00:55:17.564
'Cause, like, kids cost money
when you a fuckin' gay person.

1110
00:55:17.647 --> 00:55:20.608
When somethin' costs money,
you know what costs the most,

1111
00:55:20.692 --> 00:55:21.693
and I need to stunt.

1112
00:55:23.445 --> 00:55:25.864
I need to pull up with my Asian baby,
hop out in that foreign--

1113
00:55:25.947 --> 00:55:27.699
"What up, nigga? Look at this."

1114
00:55:30.327 --> 00:55:31.411
[chuckles]

1115
00:55:31.494 --> 00:55:34.581
Take him to the park, shit on
my frenemies, you know what I mean?

1116
00:55:34.664 --> 00:55:37.375
I can't wait. I can't wait
to wheel this little nigga round the park.

1117
00:55:37.459 --> 00:55:39.627
"Oh, hey, Karen, you adopted, too?

1118
00:55:40.086 --> 00:55:41.379
Where's your baby from?

1119
00:55:41.921 --> 00:55:43.965
Honduras? Broke bitch!

1120
00:55:44.966 --> 00:55:47.510
Get that broke-bitch baby
outta here, Karen.

1121
00:55:49.095 --> 00:55:52.223
This motherfucker right here?
He's from Thailand.

1122
00:55:53.391 --> 00:55:55.226
Matter of fact, he might be a she.

1123
00:55:55.310 --> 00:55:57.520
Take three months
to figure that out, bitch."

1124
00:56:00.940 --> 00:56:02.359
[laughs]

1125
00:56:05.695 --> 00:56:08.490
A fucking kid... Maybe I'll do it.
I don't know. I probably will,

1126
00:56:08.573 --> 00:56:10.784
'cause she wants one,
and who cares, right?

1127
00:56:12.619 --> 00:56:15.747
Eventually,
"Just fuckin' fine. Have one. Whatever."

1128
00:56:15.830 --> 00:56:19.042
Plus, I don't know, you need 'em.
They represent you when... You know.

1129
00:56:19.125 --> 00:56:21.336
You make 'em so they can be like,
"That nigga was here."

1130
00:56:21.419 --> 00:56:22.420
You know?

1131
00:56:23.588 --> 00:56:26.466
You die, you hope your kid's still alive
to be like, "They were a person."

1132
00:56:26.549 --> 00:56:27.926
You know, just represent you.

1133
00:56:28.635 --> 00:56:29.636
I will do-- I don't know.

1134
00:56:29.719 --> 00:56:32.847
I just think I'ma be bad at the shit,
you know? Nobody's good.

1135
00:56:33.306 --> 00:56:34.391
Every parent sucks.

1136
00:56:34.474 --> 00:56:36.976
If you're out here and you're parenting,
you're trash.

1137
00:56:37.560 --> 00:56:39.521
No one does it right.
Everyone fucks their kids up.

1138
00:56:39.604 --> 00:56:41.689
Everyone makes a fucked-up, fucked-up kid.

1139
00:56:41.773 --> 00:56:44.776
Everyone's doin' a little bit
to fuckin' damage the child.

1140
00:56:44.859 --> 00:56:46.611
'Cause you were damaged,
so how could you not,

1141
00:56:46.694 --> 00:56:48.988
how could you not pass on the damage
that was given to you?

1142
00:56:49.072 --> 00:56:51.282
It's just impossible.
But you just keep enough of it.

1143
00:56:51.366 --> 00:56:54.619
Like, "I could really fuck you up, but I'm
only fucking you up a little, 'cause...

1144
00:56:55.203 --> 00:56:58.206
there's a lot that could go wrong,
'cause I'm really fucked up."

1145
00:56:58.289 --> 00:57:00.458
And you cough what you can,

1146
00:57:01.209 --> 00:57:03.336
but everybody's doin' a shitty job.

1147
00:57:04.504 --> 00:57:07.215
Everybody. The only way you know
you're doing an all right job

1148
00:57:07.298 --> 00:57:09.092
is if your kids never
tell you you were shitty,

1149
00:57:09.175 --> 00:57:11.928
'cause then they loved you,
and you raised compassionate kids.

1150
00:57:12.887 --> 00:57:14.931
If your kids are never like,
"Hey, you fucked me up,"

1151
00:57:15.014 --> 00:57:17.642
but just like, "You did a great job,"
then you just raised good kids,

1152
00:57:17.725 --> 00:57:21.020
'cause they don't wanna tell you
the truth and hurt your feelings.

1153
00:57:22.355 --> 00:57:25.066
If you got a kid who's 40,
still like, "I fuckin' hate you!"

1154
00:57:25.150 --> 00:57:26.359
you did a terrible job.

1155
00:57:27.694 --> 00:57:29.821
That, and if you lose one of them niggas,
then--

1156
00:57:30.530 --> 00:57:33.658
then you really failed.
I think about that all the time.

1157
00:57:33.741 --> 00:57:36.119
I don't wanna be one of the ones
that lose one of them niggas,

1158
00:57:36.202 --> 00:57:37.996
'cause people be losin' their kids...

1159
00:57:38.746 --> 00:57:41.624
You lose one at a store, bitch, you suck.

1160
00:57:43.168 --> 00:57:44.210
Shit!

1161
00:57:48.756 --> 00:57:49.966
But I know I'll be bad.

1162
00:57:50.049 --> 00:57:53.928
I'ma be bad, 'cause no one--
no one does this shit right.

1163
00:57:54.846 --> 00:57:56.764
Everyone fucks it up a tad.

1164
00:57:57.891 --> 00:57:59.225
No one trusts their parents.

1165
00:57:59.309 --> 00:58:02.312
No one in here fully,
a hundred percent trusted their parents,

1166
00:58:02.395 --> 00:58:05.607
'cause you seen your parents
do fucked-up shit.

1167
00:58:06.733 --> 00:58:09.903
You've heard 'em have
fucked-up arguments, you know?

1168
00:58:10.403 --> 00:58:13.656
You've seen their lives be in shambles
when they thought they were keeping you

1169
00:58:13.740 --> 00:58:15.366
from their lives being in shambles.

1170
00:58:15.450 --> 00:58:17.744
They were trying to have those
late-night conversations,

1171
00:58:17.827 --> 00:58:19.913
which is, for a kid, like 10:30 at night.

1172
00:58:21.164 --> 00:58:23.374
That's when parents
think it's time to talk for real.

1173
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:27.170
'Cause they're dumb. It's like,
no one's asleep at 10:30, you idiot.

1174
00:58:27.253 --> 00:58:29.714
You're not asleep at 10:30.
Everyone's wide awake.

1175
00:58:30.548 --> 00:58:35.094
They're like, "Now's the time to talk
about it. Get down to the bottom of shit."

1176
00:58:36.346 --> 00:58:39.057
Everyone's heard their parents
yellin' about some bullshit,

1177
00:58:39.140 --> 00:58:40.767
like a $99 cable bill.

1178
00:58:40.850 --> 00:58:44.229
"How are we gonna pay this?"
"Your mother sucks!" "What is my house?

1179
00:58:45.230 --> 00:58:47.482
I can't trust anyone
in this motherfucker."

1180
00:58:48.233 --> 00:58:50.860
'Cause parents like to present it
like they got everything together.

1181
00:58:50.944 --> 00:58:53.780
That's the problem. Don't lie.
Stop coming like you got everything--

1182
00:58:53.863 --> 00:58:56.449
You're not good.
Most of you start, 30 when you start.

1183
00:58:56.533 --> 00:58:59.244
I'm 38. If I had a kid at 30,
that nigga would be dead.

1184
00:59:00.537 --> 00:59:02.288
You don't know what you're doin'.
Be honest.

1185
00:59:02.372 --> 00:59:04.999
"Hey, I don't know what I'm doin',
but I'ma try to keep you alive.

1186
00:59:05.083 --> 00:59:08.253
Sometimes, I'm not gonna be able to,
so look out for yourself, little nigga.

1187
00:59:09.295 --> 00:59:11.673
-And let's-- let's rock out."
-[cheering]

1188
00:59:11.756 --> 00:59:13.716
-"Let's see if we make it."
-[applauding]

1189
00:59:14.926 --> 00:59:16.219
[woman] Whoo!

1190
00:59:16.302 --> 00:59:19.013
But, no, parents,
"I got everything under control."

1191
00:59:19.097 --> 00:59:20.557
Fuck you. No, you don't.

1192
00:59:22.934 --> 00:59:25.728
I remember I heard my mom and my dad

1193
00:59:25.812 --> 00:59:28.398
tryin' to have a fight
about my dad usin' crack.

1194
00:59:28.982 --> 00:59:30.316
And my dad... [laughs]

1195
00:59:30.400 --> 00:59:31.526
My dad...

1196
00:59:31.609 --> 00:59:33.945
My mom was tryin' to whisper, you know?

1197
00:59:34.028 --> 00:59:37.031
She was tryin' to have a whisper-fight
with the nigga, but you can't whisper

1198
00:59:37.115 --> 00:59:38.241
to a crackhead.

1199
00:59:39.701 --> 00:59:40.952
They're loud as fuck.

1200
00:59:41.995 --> 00:59:44.289
So, my mom's whisperin',
and then my dad goes,

1201
00:59:44.372 --> 00:59:46.165
[yells] "Who seen me do the crack?"

1202
00:59:47.458 --> 00:59:49.127
Which means, nigga here did it.

1203
00:59:50.003 --> 00:59:53.339
Now you're just tryin'
to identify witnesses. Are they credible?

1204
00:59:54.007 --> 00:59:57.969
Are they not credible?
But you fucking did it!

1205
01:00:02.390 --> 01:00:04.183
Now I'ma tell my mom about a problem?

1206
01:00:04.267 --> 01:00:06.811
Bitch, there's whole crack in the house.
We got bigger issues!

1207
01:00:09.731 --> 01:00:11.065
[laughs]

1208
01:00:13.234 --> 01:00:16.237
Stranger Things is a whole show
about kids not trusting their parents.

1209
01:00:16.321 --> 01:00:19.282
Like, if a Demogorgon's after you,
tell your mom!

1210
01:00:19.365 --> 01:00:22.952
These little niggas is like, "All I got
is these walkie-talkies and these bikes.

1211
01:00:23.494 --> 01:00:27.624
They're my best friends.
'Cause that bitch can't handle shit."

1212
01:00:29.500 --> 01:00:30.835
[laughs]

1213
01:00:32.920 --> 01:00:36.090
I remember when I was 11, I thought
I was gonna be abducted by aliens.

1214
01:00:36.966 --> 01:00:39.135
I did. I was convinced, you know?

1215
01:00:39.218 --> 01:00:41.804
I was like,
"Aliens are comin' to get my ass."

1216
01:00:42.639 --> 01:00:45.475
And it's because, when I was 11,
I grew up in the '90s.

1217
01:00:45.558 --> 01:00:48.311
If you grew up in the '90s,
you know aliens was a big thing.

1218
01:00:48.394 --> 01:00:51.439
It was huge. It was big shit. It was.

1219
01:00:51.522 --> 01:00:54.651
There was Outer Limits,
there was X-Files,

1220
01:00:55.109 --> 01:00:58.237
there was Unsolved Mysteries,
and then every once in a while,

1221
01:00:58.321 --> 01:01:01.032
the History Channel would just be like,
"Did they build the pyramids?"

1222
01:01:01.115 --> 01:01:03.743
And just fuck your head up
on a Wednesday night.

1223
01:01:03.826 --> 01:01:07.288
Just throw a whole curveball at your ass.
"What? They could've built the pyramids?"

1224
01:01:07.372 --> 01:01:10.208
"Crop circles. Were they here?"
"Oh, my God!"

1225
01:01:12.669 --> 01:01:14.295
So I was fuckin' stressed out.

1226
01:01:15.338 --> 01:01:18.424
And I got in the shower one day,
and I felt my leg pulsate a little bit.

1227
01:01:18.508 --> 01:01:21.052
I was like, "That's the tracker.
That's where them niggas is gon'--

1228
01:01:22.095 --> 01:01:24.097
That's how they're gonna get your girl."

1229
01:01:25.264 --> 01:01:28.559
So I started doin' karate
in my room at night. "Yah! Aah!

1230
01:01:28.643 --> 01:01:31.354
"Waah!" Watchin' Last Dragon and shit.
"Eeh! Eeh! Ugh!"

1231
01:01:32.438 --> 01:01:36.150
[laughs] Started sleepin' with a knife
and a hammer under my pillow.

1232
01:01:37.652 --> 01:01:40.029
Every night, sleeping with a knife
and hammer under my pillow,

1233
01:01:40.113 --> 01:01:41.489
ready for the action, you know?

1234
01:01:41.572 --> 01:01:44.534
I was like, "When they come,
stab 'em, bash 'em, stab 'em, bash 'em."

1235
01:01:46.577 --> 01:01:49.038
[laughs] Then, one day, I go in my room.

1236
01:01:49.831 --> 01:01:51.999
[chuckles] My mom's sittin' on my bed.

1237
01:01:52.500 --> 01:01:54.794
She's like, "We need to talk."
I'm like, "What's up?"

1238
01:01:54.877 --> 01:01:57.338
And she's like, "Who's hurtin' you?"
I was like, "What?"

1239
01:01:58.464 --> 01:02:00.925
She's like, "Tell me right now.
Who's coming in here at night

1240
01:02:01.008 --> 01:02:02.135
and doin' something to you?"

1241
01:02:02.218 --> 01:02:04.721
I was like, "What are you talkin' about?"
She's like, "Look at me.

1242
01:02:04.804 --> 01:02:08.474
I don't care if it's your father,
I don't care if it's one of your brothers.

1243
01:02:08.558 --> 01:02:12.937
You need to tell me right now,
who's doing something to you?"

1244
01:02:13.020 --> 01:02:15.481
Which, what a mom, bro. Word!

1245
01:02:15.565 --> 01:02:19.026
'Cause my mother showed me,
"I got your back, no matter fuckin' what."

1246
01:02:19.110 --> 01:02:20.695
[cheering, applauding]

1247
01:02:20.778 --> 01:02:22.238
Like, what a big move.

1248
01:02:23.156 --> 01:02:25.742
'Cause what if it was
one of my brothers or my father?

1249
01:02:25.825 --> 01:02:28.494
That's a crazy thing
to have to hear as a mother,

1250
01:02:28.578 --> 01:02:31.247
but she was ready
to take that shit for me.

1251
01:02:31.330 --> 01:02:32.582
She was like, "Tell me."

1252
01:02:32.957 --> 01:02:34.876
And I looked my mom in the eye,

1253
01:02:36.461 --> 01:02:39.380
and I told her how
I was gonna be abducted by aliens.

1254
01:02:39.464 --> 01:02:40.673
[cheering]

1255
01:02:40.757 --> 01:02:42.383
Because I'm a genius.

1256
01:02:43.718 --> 01:02:47.805
And you could see in her eyes that
a part of her wished I was bein' molested.

1257
01:02:49.223 --> 01:02:51.642
'Cause that would've been
easier to process.

1258
01:02:52.685 --> 01:02:55.438
And if you don't think
that fucked me up a little bit...

1259
01:02:55.521 --> 01:02:57.523
Hey, y'all were dope as fuck.
Have a good night.

1260
01:02:57.607 --> 01:02:59.609
[cheering, applauding]

1261
01:03:01.819 --> 01:03:03.821
[jazz playing]