WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09.551 --> 00:00:11.344 [anthemic classical music playing] 4 00:00:11.428 --> 00:00:13.930 [narrator] This story is about Sarah Cooper, 5 00:00:14.014 --> 00:00:15.849 who was a morning news anchor 6 00:00:15.974 --> 00:00:19.477 from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2020. 7 00:00:20.395 --> 00:00:23.523 At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54 8 00:00:23.606 --> 00:00:25.942 -and a 27 audience share. -[imperceptible] 9 00:00:26.026 --> 00:00:30.030 [narrator] She looks all right here, but inside, she's losing her mind 10 00:00:30.113 --> 00:00:33.825 every time she utters the words, "Everything's fine," 11 00:00:33.908 --> 00:00:36.619 which happens to be the name of her morning show. 12 00:00:40.290 --> 00:00:42.167 [theme music playing] 13 00:00:47.255 --> 00:00:49.591 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 14 00:00:49.674 --> 00:00:51.301 ♪ It's a brand-new day ♪ 15 00:00:51.384 --> 00:00:53.344 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 16 00:00:53.428 --> 00:00:55.180 ♪ You've got to celebrate ♪ 17 00:00:55.263 --> 00:00:57.140 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 18 00:00:57.223 --> 00:00:59.100 ♪ It's gonna be okay ♪ 19 00:00:59.184 --> 00:01:01.686 ♪ Everything's fine ♪ 20 00:01:05.732 --> 00:01:08.485 Good morning and welcome to Everything's Fine, 21 00:01:08.568 --> 00:01:10.779 the morning show where everything's fine. 22 00:01:10.862 --> 00:01:12.781 I'm your host, Sarah Cooper. 23 00:01:12.864 --> 00:01:16.701 Today on the show, an exposé on age-defying makeup. 24 00:01:16.785 --> 00:01:18.328 Does it have the power to take off 25 00:01:18.411 --> 00:01:21.331 the 14 years you aged in the past six months? 26 00:01:21.414 --> 00:01:22.582 We'll find out. 27 00:01:22.665 --> 00:01:25.668 And coming up, there's a new robot CEO in town, 28 00:01:25.752 --> 00:01:27.837 and this time, he's actually a robot. 29 00:01:27.921 --> 00:01:33.134 My exclusive interview with Techtech Corp's new AI executive, 8008s. 30 00:01:33.218 --> 00:01:37.806 Then, an exclusive look inside the now-famous Access Hollywood bus. 31 00:01:37.889 --> 00:01:39.015 You don't want to miss it. 32 00:01:39.099 --> 00:01:41.851 A little later, we'll check in on how the sky is doing 33 00:01:41.935 --> 00:01:44.854 with our favorite meteorologist, Andrea Steele. 34 00:01:44.938 --> 00:01:45.897 She's a scientist. 35 00:01:45.980 --> 00:01:48.191 Plus, another zoo runs out of money 36 00:01:48.274 --> 00:01:50.819 and we'll sugarcoat what happens to all the animals. 37 00:01:50.902 --> 00:01:52.695 -Hope you don't like emus. -[chuckles] 38 00:01:52.779 --> 00:01:55.031 Then, we'll have all the latest fall fashions 39 00:01:55.115 --> 00:01:57.450 you can wear to that conference call from your bedroom. 40 00:01:57.534 --> 00:01:59.119 Big story this morning. 41 00:01:59.202 --> 00:02:02.330 Scientists say an asteroid is headed straight for this… 42 00:02:02.413 --> 00:02:03.873 Breaking news! 43 00:02:03.957 --> 00:02:05.250 Breaking news. 44 00:02:06.084 --> 00:02:08.962 The president is on the line and wants to say hi. 45 00:02:09.587 --> 00:02:11.673 I guess we weren't able to change our number. 46 00:02:11.756 --> 00:02:13.508 How are you doing, Mr. President? 47 00:02:13.591 --> 00:02:15.635 [Trump's voice] So, we have many exciting things 48 00:02:15.718 --> 00:02:17.846 that we'll be announcing over the next, uh… 49 00:02:18.596 --> 00:02:20.223 -eight weeks, I would say. -Oh. Exciting. 50 00:02:20.306 --> 00:02:21.683 We're gonna get things done. 51 00:02:21.766 --> 00:02:25.061 We're gonna get things done that they've wanted to see done… 52 00:02:25.645 --> 00:02:27.272 for a long, long time. 53 00:02:27.355 --> 00:02:28.773 What have you started on, Mr. President? 54 00:02:28.857 --> 00:02:29.983 We're gonna get things done. 55 00:02:30.567 --> 00:02:34.154 We have, uh… We're taking on immigration, taking on education. 56 00:02:35.321 --> 00:02:40.660 We're taking on so many aspects of things that, uh… 57 00:02:41.244 --> 00:02:44.956 people were hopelessly tied up in knots in Congress, 58 00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:47.250 but you'll see, uh… 59 00:02:48.126 --> 00:02:49.586 levels of detail, 60 00:02:50.211 --> 00:02:52.463 -levels of thought… -I would love to see detail. 61 00:02:52.547 --> 00:02:56.176 …that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn't have in this country. 62 00:02:56.259 --> 00:02:58.011 Uh, Mr. President, it looks like you're golfing. 63 00:02:58.094 --> 00:03:02.348 Things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible. 64 00:03:02.974 --> 00:03:04.559 We're gonna get things done. [coughs] 65 00:03:05.935 --> 00:03:07.520 So when are you gonna start on this stuff? 66 00:03:07.604 --> 00:03:11.316 So, I think we'll start sometime on Tuesday? 67 00:03:11.399 --> 00:03:12.692 [Sarah] Tuesday works. 68 00:03:13.568 --> 00:03:16.112 Then we're going into the immigration, the world of immigration 69 00:03:16.196 --> 00:03:17.780 -and education. -Immigration, education. 70 00:03:17.864 --> 00:03:19.157 You did mention that before. 71 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:21.242 We're going into the world of healthcare. 72 00:03:21.326 --> 00:03:23.494 -Oh! I'm gonna let you get back… -…a lot of exciting… 73 00:03:23.578 --> 00:03:25.538 …to starting on those plans, Mr. President. 74 00:03:25.622 --> 00:03:28.374 Thank you so much for calling us again. 75 00:03:28.458 --> 00:03:32.712 A lot of us are working from home, but some of us are twerking from home. 76 00:03:32.795 --> 00:03:36.758 Here to show us how she does it, please welcome Megan Thee Stallion. 77 00:03:36.841 --> 00:03:38.176 Hi, Sarah Cooper! 78 00:03:38.259 --> 00:03:39.761 -Good morning, Megan. -Sarah! 79 00:03:40.553 --> 00:03:41.638 -[static] -Can you hear me? 80 00:03:43.556 --> 00:03:44.390 -Megan? -[Megan] Sarah? 81 00:03:44.474 --> 00:03:46.476 -Megan… Megan, can you hear me? -Sarah! 82 00:03:47.101 --> 00:03:47.936 Megan? 83 00:03:49.229 --> 00:03:50.063 Megan? 84 00:03:50.563 --> 00:03:54.442 [chuckles] We're gonna get a little update from Scooter in a second. 85 00:03:54.525 --> 00:03:55.777 We'll sort this right out. 86 00:03:58.780 --> 00:03:59.948 We'll just move on. 87 00:04:01.032 --> 00:04:02.450 Scooter, are you getting the Internet? 88 00:04:02.533 --> 00:04:04.244 It seems to be working fine right here. 89 00:04:04.327 --> 00:04:05.161 Plenty of Wi-Fi. 90 00:04:05.245 --> 00:04:06.079 Plenty. 91 00:04:06.162 --> 00:04:07.580 Oh, my goodness, the Internet, right? 92 00:04:07.664 --> 00:04:10.333 -Wi-Fi is so weird. -Yeah. 93 00:04:10.416 --> 00:04:13.461 -Do we need a modem, Scooter? -We need a modem, yeah… [chuckling] 94 00:04:13.544 --> 00:04:15.129 [Sarah] It's a cable joke. 95 00:04:16.130 --> 00:04:17.882 [laughing] Hoop-dee-hoo! 96 00:04:17.966 --> 00:04:21.052 Yeah. We'll have to wait between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. 97 00:04:21.135 --> 00:04:23.054 for them to come in. [laughing] 98 00:04:23.137 --> 00:04:23.972 So funny. 99 00:04:24.055 --> 00:04:27.141 We might not have any Internet access, but in good news, 100 00:04:27.225 --> 00:04:31.729 we have a woman whose baked goods have become a national sensation. 101 00:04:31.813 --> 00:04:35.483 Not just for how they taste, but for what they wear. 102 00:04:35.984 --> 00:04:39.362 Please welcome, all the way from Wedgecot, New Jersey, 103 00:04:39.445 --> 00:04:42.198 the creator of Cupcake Shoes, K.J. Dillard. 104 00:04:46.953 --> 00:04:48.454 [Scooter] Think you're going the wrong way. 105 00:04:51.291 --> 00:04:52.208 There we go. 106 00:04:53.418 --> 00:04:54.877 [director] All right, go to camera two. 107 00:04:55.545 --> 00:04:56.671 Beautiful. 108 00:04:56.754 --> 00:04:58.131 [in sing-song voice] My pretty. 109 00:04:58.214 --> 00:05:01.301 Little bit of curly hair for you. 110 00:05:01.384 --> 00:05:02.427 [gasps] 111 00:05:02.510 --> 00:05:03.594 [softly] There we go. 112 00:05:04.262 --> 00:05:06.222 -Welcome, K.J.! -[gasps] 113 00:05:06.306 --> 00:05:09.142 Oh, my God, you startled me. [chuckles] 114 00:05:09.225 --> 00:05:10.768 I'm here to do the Sarah Cooper show. 115 00:05:10.852 --> 00:05:12.937 And we are so excited to have you. 116 00:05:13.021 --> 00:05:15.481 These might be the cutest cupcakes I've ever seen. 117 00:05:15.565 --> 00:05:16.941 They are my pride and joy. 118 00:05:17.025 --> 00:05:19.694 Now I'd appreciate it if you got Sarah for me. Thank you. 119 00:05:19.777 --> 00:05:21.112 I'm Sarah Cooper. 120 00:05:21.195 --> 00:05:23.614 I didn't say "Sierra," honey. I said "Sarah." 121 00:05:23.698 --> 00:05:24.699 That is Sarah Cooper. 122 00:05:25.366 --> 00:05:27.952 I'm Sarah Cooper, the host of the show. 123 00:05:30.121 --> 00:05:31.080 You're Sarah Cooper? 124 00:05:31.164 --> 00:05:32.915 -Yep. -Can I see some ID? 125 00:05:32.999 --> 00:05:37.837 Here is my license, passport, and my birth certificate. 126 00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:41.132 No, I need to see some kind of a permit that shows me 127 00:05:41.215 --> 00:05:42.925 that you're allowed to be on the premises. 128 00:05:43.009 --> 00:05:44.510 Okay, K.J., 129 00:05:44.594 --> 00:05:48.431 why don't you tell our viewers how you came up with this fabulous idea? 130 00:05:49.223 --> 00:05:53.186 Well, I used to design these dolls called "little pooples" 131 00:05:53.269 --> 00:05:54.937 that you'd put on the end of your toilet, 132 00:05:55.021 --> 00:05:57.482 and then I got tired because I wasn't able to eat 'em. 133 00:05:57.565 --> 00:06:00.860 So, should I be sharing personal information with this person? 134 00:06:00.943 --> 00:06:02.445 It just… It helps with banter. 135 00:06:02.528 --> 00:06:03.654 I love this little guy. 136 00:06:03.738 --> 00:06:05.281 What is his name? 137 00:06:05.365 --> 00:06:08.910 His name is Broadway Berry 'cause he's berry-flavored, 138 00:06:08.993 --> 00:06:10.119 and he's very fragile. 139 00:06:10.203 --> 00:06:13.039 Well, I am ready to make one. 140 00:06:13.122 --> 00:06:15.083 [gasps and exclaims] 141 00:06:15.166 --> 00:06:17.251 -[dialing] -[operator] 9-1-1, what's your emergency? 142 00:06:17.335 --> 00:06:20.505 -This is Karen June Dillard. -Karen! 143 00:06:20.588 --> 00:06:23.466 I am with a person and my gut tells me she is up to no good. 144 00:06:23.549 --> 00:06:25.927 -Scooter. -I can't hear anything. Got my gloves on. 145 00:06:26.010 --> 00:06:28.096 [K.J.] Yes, she's a female. 146 00:06:28.179 --> 00:06:31.057 And I would say at least 70% Africo-American. 147 00:06:31.140 --> 00:06:34.018 Yes. Now she's destroying my property! 148 00:06:34.102 --> 00:06:35.728 This is my property. 149 00:06:35.812 --> 00:06:37.021 [gasps] 150 00:06:37.105 --> 00:06:39.107 [woman] Welcome to "Karens." 151 00:06:40.108 --> 00:06:41.359 I'm Whoopi Goldberg. 152 00:06:44.904 --> 00:06:49.742 In 1876, a Boston Karen bemoaned to her husband 153 00:06:49.826 --> 00:06:53.913 how taxing it was for her to walk miles into town 154 00:06:53.996 --> 00:06:56.791 every time she wanted to get a Black person arrested. 155 00:06:57.333 --> 00:06:59.836 He vowed to resolve this issue. 156 00:06:59.919 --> 00:07:04.966 "Wife," he said, "I shall make it so that you may summon the police on Black people 157 00:07:05.049 --> 00:07:07.635 from the comfort of our very home." 158 00:07:07.718 --> 00:07:10.930 His name was Alexander Graham Bell. 159 00:07:11.931 --> 00:07:14.225 [Karen Bell] They're standing by my horse! 160 00:07:14.308 --> 00:07:15.643 [horse neighs] 161 00:07:15.726 --> 00:07:17.478 [Whoopi] But the role of Karens 162 00:07:17.562 --> 00:07:20.940 did not start with the invention of the telephone. 163 00:07:21.023 --> 00:07:23.734 The New World was crawling with Karens. 164 00:07:23.818 --> 00:07:27.989 Karen over here, Karen over there, Karens every-goddamn-where. 165 00:07:28.072 --> 00:07:29.949 [Karen] They're on my property! 166 00:07:31.200 --> 00:07:34.787 [Whoopi] Some even claim that they can trace the roots of Karens 167 00:07:34.871 --> 00:07:37.748 as far back as the book of Genesis. 168 00:07:38.374 --> 00:07:40.501 [Karen] They're eating that snake's apple! 169 00:07:41.711 --> 00:07:45.923 [Whoopi] When we come back, my actual next-door neighbor, Karen. 170 00:07:46.007 --> 00:07:48.843 I've got a few choice words to say to this bitch. 171 00:07:50.011 --> 00:07:53.347 [man] Sore muscles, back pain, headaches and weakness. 172 00:07:53.431 --> 00:07:56.517 If you have COVID-19, getting a good night's sleep can be rough. 173 00:07:56.601 --> 00:07:59.270 But starting now, your pesky pains are over. 174 00:07:59.353 --> 00:08:02.106 From the makers of MrPillow comes a brand-new product, 175 00:08:02.190 --> 00:08:04.275 the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine. 176 00:08:04.859 --> 00:08:05.693 Hi. 177 00:08:05.776 --> 00:08:11.240 I'm Steve Windell, the creator of MrPillow and MrPillowPlus. 178 00:08:11.324 --> 00:08:15.828 For 20 years, I've dedicated my life to making firm yet fluffy pillows 179 00:08:15.912 --> 00:08:17.663 that don't break the bank. 180 00:08:17.747 --> 00:08:21.083 So, I thought, "Why not take the magic of MrPillow 181 00:08:21.167 --> 00:08:24.045 and use it to make a vaccine for coronavirus?" 182 00:08:24.128 --> 00:08:27.131 So, how does it work? It's pretty simple, actually. 183 00:08:27.215 --> 00:08:30.927 The MrPillow Vaccine is made from thousands of tiny microscopic pillows 184 00:08:31.010 --> 00:08:33.429 shrunken down to the size of the deadly virus. 185 00:08:33.513 --> 00:08:37.016 Once injected into the bloodstream, these individualized pillows 186 00:08:37.099 --> 00:08:39.810 insert themselves under the novel coronavirus 187 00:08:39.894 --> 00:08:42.396 and lull it into a restful slumber. 188 00:08:42.480 --> 00:08:46.817 The virus now defenseless, the body's immune cells can go to work. 189 00:08:46.901 --> 00:08:50.821 That's how we here at MrPillow put the science back in sleep science. 190 00:08:51.864 --> 00:08:54.742 I got my friendly MrPillow Vaccine in the mail, 191 00:08:54.825 --> 00:08:58.621 and three days later, I already feel immune to COVID 192 00:08:58.704 --> 00:09:00.915 and ready to mix and mingle. 193 00:09:00.998 --> 00:09:03.084 I'm even going to a pool party later. 194 00:09:03.167 --> 00:09:04.835 Thank you, MrPillow. 195 00:09:04.919 --> 00:09:09.215 And I had COVID for three weeks and then I got it again! 196 00:09:09.298 --> 00:09:13.052 Hey! I think I'll load up on that vaccine right now. 197 00:09:13.135 --> 00:09:14.011 Nurse? 198 00:09:17.932 --> 00:09:19.767 I feel better already. 199 00:09:19.850 --> 00:09:25.439 Order the MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine for just four easy payments of $99, 200 00:09:25.523 --> 00:09:28.901 or $12,000 with insurance. 201 00:09:28.985 --> 00:09:32.780 The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine works. 202 00:09:33.281 --> 00:09:35.533 [man] The MrPillow Coronavirus Vaccine may cause coronavirus. 203 00:09:38.035 --> 00:09:39.245 [whirring] 204 00:09:44.041 --> 00:09:47.545 [Trump's voice] Anynomous… really anomous. 205 00:09:48.212 --> 00:09:49.922 [speaking alien language] 206 00:09:51.924 --> 00:09:54.719 Thank you so much to our viewers for your patience. 207 00:09:54.802 --> 00:09:57.221 We got our technical difficulties all figured out 208 00:09:57.305 --> 00:10:01.809 and we are so excited to welcome "she likes to hoist up her moist stuff," 209 00:10:01.892 --> 00:10:03.352 Megan Thee Stallion. 210 00:10:05.104 --> 00:10:06.188 Hey, Sarah Cooper! 211 00:10:06.272 --> 00:10:08.482 Megan, it is so amazing to have you here. 212 00:10:08.566 --> 00:10:09.942 You are such a legend. 213 00:10:10.026 --> 00:10:11.068 I have a question. 214 00:10:11.152 --> 00:10:13.029 I'm sure it's on the minds of all our viewers. 215 00:10:13.112 --> 00:10:15.865 How are you dealing with this whole "new normal" thing? 216 00:10:15.948 --> 00:10:16.824 Listen, Sarah Cooper, 217 00:10:16.907 --> 00:10:19.994 I'm not going outside until coronavirus is a memory, okay? 218 00:10:20.077 --> 00:10:22.038 Like, you can go back in the textbook and be like, 219 00:10:22.121 --> 00:10:24.707 "Damn, y'all remember coronavirus? That shit was crazy, right?" 220 00:10:24.790 --> 00:10:26.292 -[chuckles] Yeah. -So until then, 221 00:10:26.375 --> 00:10:27.835 I'm staying my ass in the house. 222 00:10:27.918 --> 00:10:29.920 [narrator] Sarah had to make a pee-pee, 223 00:10:30.004 --> 00:10:33.257 but knew she had to play it cool for the folks at home. 224 00:10:33.341 --> 00:10:36.344 I have to say, that ass you're staying in the house is very nice. 225 00:10:36.844 --> 00:10:38.721 How do you look so good all the time? 226 00:10:38.804 --> 00:10:42.767 Well, you know, I like to work out, gotta keep that ass tight, sharp. 227 00:10:42.850 --> 00:10:44.435 [chuckling] Real hot-girl shit. 228 00:10:44.518 --> 00:10:45.895 [Sarah] Yeah, real hot-girl stuff. 229 00:10:45.978 --> 00:10:48.773 Any tips you can give us for working out at home? 230 00:10:48.856 --> 00:10:51.984 Definitely. I actually have this great workout called "Drink your drink." 231 00:10:52.068 --> 00:10:53.235 -Drink your drink? -Goes like this. 232 00:10:53.319 --> 00:10:58.032 Get your cup, and one… and two. And… 233 00:10:58.115 --> 00:10:59.784 [mimics drink flowing] 234 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:04.038 Is that cognac? 235 00:11:04.538 --> 00:11:05.873 Yes, Sarah Cooper, yeah, it is. 236 00:11:05.956 --> 00:11:09.877 I been doing this every day for quarantine and let me tell you, I feel great. 237 00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:10.961 Well, you look great. 238 00:11:11.045 --> 00:11:12.713 Thanks. You, too, can look like this. 239 00:11:12.797 --> 00:11:15.549 All you gotta do is grab some cognac, add a little squat to it. 240 00:11:15.633 --> 00:11:17.093 Even a little lunge. 241 00:11:17.176 --> 00:11:18.386 Real easy, like… Mmm. 242 00:11:18.469 --> 00:11:19.512 Like that? 243 00:11:19.595 --> 00:11:21.222 A little more sexy 244 00:11:21.764 --> 00:11:23.849 and a little less like you sitting on the toilet. 245 00:11:23.933 --> 00:11:25.434 Somebody get her some cognac. 246 00:11:25.518 --> 00:11:27.645 -Scooter, can I get some cognac? -[Scooter] Yes. 247 00:11:30.523 --> 00:11:32.441 Trying to do the six feet, so… 248 00:11:32.525 --> 00:11:34.985 So, all you gotta do is dip and sip. 249 00:11:35.778 --> 00:11:37.321 [both] Dip and sip. 250 00:11:38.030 --> 00:11:39.407 Dip and sip. 251 00:11:39.490 --> 00:11:41.242 -Yep, yep, yep. -[sexy music playing] 252 00:11:41.826 --> 00:11:42.910 I think I'm doing it! 253 00:11:42.993 --> 00:11:45.037 I've never twerked before in my life. [laughs] 254 00:11:45.121 --> 00:11:46.664 -It's happening. -No, try it like this. 255 00:11:46.747 --> 00:11:48.124 -Try it a little more sexy. -Okay. 256 00:11:48.916 --> 00:11:51.085 -Pow, pow, pow. -Little hair flip. 257 00:11:52.378 --> 00:11:55.047 Girl, live your life, do you, be a hot girl. 258 00:11:55.923 --> 00:11:58.217 Everybody wasn't meant to be in the twerk Olympics, 259 00:11:58.300 --> 00:11:59.760 so just do you, be you. 260 00:11:59.844 --> 00:12:02.096 -Be the best Sarah Cooper you can be. -I can do that. 261 00:12:03.055 --> 00:12:04.682 This is a really great workout. 262 00:12:05.349 --> 00:12:06.934 I know! Real hot-girl shit. 263 00:12:07.017 --> 00:12:09.937 [Scooter] If you don't mind, this is supposed to be six feet. 264 00:12:10.020 --> 00:12:12.898 We certainly are lubed up here at the Everything's Fine studio. 265 00:12:12.982 --> 00:12:14.108 We'll be right back. 266 00:12:14.191 --> 00:12:16.318 [Scooter] All right, we are out. Good job. 267 00:12:21.407 --> 00:12:24.076 -[cork pops] -This stuff is really strong. 268 00:12:24.160 --> 00:12:26.746 [theme song playing] 269 00:12:26.829 --> 00:12:30.916 It's the 3:00 a.m. hour here on QAnon QAC. 270 00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:33.294 Just a note, this is the real QAnon, 271 00:12:33.377 --> 00:12:37.631 not the other one people were saying was the real QAnon on 4chan. 272 00:12:37.715 --> 00:12:38.841 Please stop doxing me. 273 00:12:38.924 --> 00:12:40.801 I've had to move five times. 274 00:12:40.885 --> 00:12:42.428 Let's check in with our viewers. 275 00:12:42.511 --> 00:12:44.221 Emma from Philadelphia. 276 00:12:44.305 --> 00:12:45.139 [Emma] Hey, Ashley. 277 00:12:45.222 --> 00:12:46.474 How are you this morning? 278 00:12:46.557 --> 00:12:48.517 Longtime caller, always listening. 279 00:12:48.601 --> 00:12:52.730 You blinked your right eye just now when you said this was the real QAnon. 280 00:12:52.813 --> 00:12:56.317 Was that a sign that you have been contacted by the god of fire? 281 00:12:56.400 --> 00:12:58.903 [chuckles] Don't be ridiculous, Emma. 282 00:12:58.986 --> 00:13:01.197 That was a nervous tic in my eye. 283 00:13:01.280 --> 00:13:03.282 It was not a coded message. 284 00:13:03.365 --> 00:13:06.619 Believe me, you will know when I've been contacted by the god of fire. 285 00:13:06.702 --> 00:13:07.745 Thanks, Ashley. 286 00:13:07.828 --> 00:13:08.996 [ominous music playing] 287 00:13:11.081 --> 00:13:13.918 -[easy jazz music playing] -This morning, we are proud to feature 288 00:13:14.001 --> 00:13:18.464 our Indoctrination Porcelain Doll Collection. 289 00:13:18.547 --> 00:13:22.843 They're stunning dolls, and yes, we do accept cryptocurrency, 290 00:13:22.927 --> 00:13:24.845 but only QCoin. 291 00:13:24.929 --> 00:13:27.389 Let's take a look at these dolls. 292 00:13:27.473 --> 00:13:29.266 How adorable. 293 00:13:29.350 --> 00:13:33.020 It's presidential mouthpiece, Kellyanne. 294 00:13:33.103 --> 00:13:35.314 [Kellyanne's voice] Don't be so overly dramatic about it, Chuck. 295 00:13:35.397 --> 00:13:37.233 What it… You're saying it's a falsehood, 296 00:13:37.316 --> 00:13:40.694 and they're giving Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave… 297 00:13:41.362 --> 00:13:43.405 alternative facts to that, but the point… 298 00:13:43.948 --> 00:13:46.075 Ugh. Never a dull moment. 299 00:13:46.158 --> 00:13:50.788 This one just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. 300 00:13:50.871 --> 00:13:55.000 Order soon as this one has recently been discontinued. 301 00:13:55.501 --> 00:13:57.753 [gasps] Ah! My naan! 302 00:13:58.337 --> 00:13:59.463 Thank you, Quincy. 303 00:13:59.964 --> 00:14:00.840 I'm so sorry. 304 00:14:00.923 --> 00:14:04.134 I am just so starving and it is hard to get good Indian food 305 00:14:04.218 --> 00:14:05.845 in this undisclosed location. 306 00:14:05.928 --> 00:14:07.930 [sniffs] Ahh! 307 00:14:08.806 --> 00:14:09.849 Next caller. 308 00:14:09.932 --> 00:14:10.850 [man] Hey, Ashley. 309 00:14:10.933 --> 00:14:15.646 [laughing] Mike from Minnesota, how are you again? 310 00:14:15.729 --> 00:14:18.107 Did you just get naan from Quincy? 311 00:14:18.190 --> 00:14:19.942 Is that a code for QAnon? 312 00:14:20.025 --> 00:14:22.278 Right? QAnon, a sign that you're Q? 313 00:14:22.361 --> 00:14:26.782 I am not Q, I am just on in the middle of the night selling porcelain dolls. 314 00:14:26.866 --> 00:14:30.411 Q is in Washington uncovering a cabal of sex predators. 315 00:14:30.494 --> 00:14:32.746 I appreciate you sending me messages through the TV. 316 00:14:32.830 --> 00:14:36.917 Next we have, "I am woman, hear me roar, 317 00:14:37.001 --> 00:14:40.379 but very softly so I still sound sexy." 318 00:14:40.462 --> 00:14:41.589 [softly] Ivanka. 319 00:14:41.672 --> 00:14:47.887 This doll teaches our daughters that it's better to be seen and not heard. 320 00:14:48.637 --> 00:14:54.184 [Ivanka's voice] If being complicit is wanting to… 321 00:14:57.479 --> 00:15:02.526 Is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact, 322 00:15:03.277 --> 00:15:05.279 then I'm complicit. 323 00:15:05.362 --> 00:15:07.072 -[thunder cracks] -[yells in fear] 324 00:15:07.156 --> 00:15:08.490 Whoo! 325 00:15:08.574 --> 00:15:10.117 The storm is coming. 326 00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.036 I told you this was the real QAnon. 327 00:15:12.119 --> 00:15:13.245 Next caller! 328 00:15:13.329 --> 00:15:15.039 [distorted voice] How's it going? 329 00:15:15.122 --> 00:15:16.874 Are you saying we can expect a storm 330 00:15:16.957 --> 00:15:18.918 when the president will reveal the mass execution 331 00:15:19.001 --> 00:15:21.921 of the Washington figures responsible for murdering a DNC staffer? 332 00:15:22.004 --> 00:15:24.298 I'd say keep your eyes open, 333 00:15:24.381 --> 00:15:28.802 and coming up in the 4:00 a.m. hour, we have a phenomenal weighted blanket 334 00:15:28.886 --> 00:15:29.929 that you're not gonna-- 335 00:15:30.012 --> 00:15:32.973 Weighted blankets are a media tool invented by George Soros. 336 00:15:33.057 --> 00:15:34.016 Watch your back, Ashley. 337 00:15:34.099 --> 00:15:36.143 I always do, honey. I have to. 338 00:15:36.226 --> 00:15:41.023 Finally, we have the best first lady, Melania. 339 00:15:41.106 --> 00:15:44.568 Beautiful, stunning, and really, what else do you need? 340 00:15:44.652 --> 00:15:47.696 [Melania's voice] I'm very involved in charities now, many charities 341 00:15:47.780 --> 00:15:51.617 involving children, involving many different diseases. 342 00:15:51.700 --> 00:15:54.078 Hi… Melania. 343 00:15:54.161 --> 00:16:01.001 All of these dolls are available now by calling 666-666-6666… 344 00:16:01.085 --> 00:16:04.421 666666… 345 00:16:04.505 --> 00:16:05.923 This is not the real QAnon. 346 00:16:06.006 --> 00:16:07.341 Get out now! 347 00:16:07.424 --> 00:16:09.218 [Christmas bells jangling] 348 00:16:12.221 --> 00:16:17.393 [Sarah] The former QAnon host starts her new job at the White House this week. 349 00:16:17.476 --> 00:16:18.894 [breaking news alert plays] 350 00:16:21.897 --> 00:16:24.149 We have some breaking news coming in. 351 00:16:24.733 --> 00:16:28.904 It appears the president is live-tweeting this program right now, 352 00:16:28.988 --> 00:16:30.739 and we've noticed a ratings bump 353 00:16:30.823 --> 00:16:33.033 when we show what he's saying about us in real time, 354 00:16:33.117 --> 00:16:35.285 so… that's what we're gonna do. 355 00:16:35.369 --> 00:16:39.790 Okay, so the president is saying that everything is not fine. 356 00:16:39.873 --> 00:16:43.252 Uh, I guess we'll have to see if we can change the name of the show. 357 00:16:43.335 --> 00:16:44.461 [Scooter] I'm open to it. 358 00:16:44.545 --> 00:16:48.507 "Now they're playing my tweet. Stop playing my tweet. That's my tweet." 359 00:16:49.008 --> 00:16:52.302 The president now thinks "the country is totally fine" 360 00:16:52.386 --> 00:16:53.887 and "it's the best it's ever been." 361 00:16:53.971 --> 00:16:55.180 "Because of me." 362 00:16:55.264 --> 00:16:57.349 Who, me? "No, me, the president." 363 00:16:57.433 --> 00:16:59.435 "Best president ever." 364 00:16:59.518 --> 00:17:00.352 Oh. 365 00:17:00.436 --> 00:17:02.104 [cheerfully] Best president ever! 366 00:17:03.814 --> 00:17:08.193 And the president now likes our show again and our ratings are… 367 00:17:09.528 --> 00:17:11.030 up! Great. 368 00:17:11.113 --> 00:17:15.325 More on these tweets as they continue to suck the life out of our democracy. 369 00:17:15.951 --> 00:17:17.995 -[buzzer sounds] -[theme song playing] 370 00:17:18.078 --> 00:17:20.080 -[Scooter] Great segment. -[Sarah] Thank you! 371 00:17:20.831 --> 00:17:23.584 [narrator] Sarah wasn't sure the segment had gone great. 372 00:17:23.667 --> 00:17:26.503 She wasn't sure of much at all anymore. 373 00:17:26.587 --> 00:17:27.755 [heart beating] 374 00:17:27.838 --> 00:17:30.007 [Scooter] Uh, we're ready for robot CEO. 375 00:17:30.507 --> 00:17:31.550 I'm Sarah Cooper. 376 00:17:31.633 --> 00:17:32.801 [echoes] I'm Sarah Cooper. 377 00:17:32.885 --> 00:17:34.053 We'll be right back. 378 00:17:35.345 --> 00:17:36.430 [director] We're out. 379 00:17:36.513 --> 00:17:38.223 Do you know what I miss? 380 00:17:38.307 --> 00:17:39.224 Shawarma. 381 00:17:39.308 --> 00:17:42.853 I miss eating shawarma in a really crowded restaurant 382 00:17:42.936 --> 00:17:45.522 in close proximity to other diners. 383 00:17:45.606 --> 00:17:47.900 Yeah. People sitting two feet away from you 384 00:17:47.983 --> 00:17:50.778 just shoveling food into their disgusting mouths. 385 00:17:50.861 --> 00:17:52.988 [man] I miss that human connection. 386 00:17:53.072 --> 00:17:54.448 -[director] Oh, Sarah. -Hi. 387 00:17:54.531 --> 00:17:56.992 -Why did you want to meet with us? -You called me in here. 388 00:17:57.076 --> 00:17:58.994 [man] Okay, smarty pants. 389 00:17:59.078 --> 00:18:02.289 Let's look at your file and see how your ratings are doing. 390 00:18:02.372 --> 00:18:03.957 I forgot. I can't read. 391 00:18:05.876 --> 00:18:06.877 All right. [clears throat] 392 00:18:06.960 --> 00:18:10.714 Looks like 35% of our audience likes that you're Black, 393 00:18:10.798 --> 00:18:13.801 30% of our audience doesn't like that you're Black, 394 00:18:13.884 --> 00:18:16.512 50% of our audience doesn't know you're Black, 395 00:18:16.595 --> 00:18:19.389 but thankfully, 80% of our audience 396 00:18:19.473 --> 00:18:21.642 feels extremely threatened by you, Sarah. 397 00:18:21.725 --> 00:18:23.894 It's that attitude of yours. 398 00:18:23.977 --> 00:18:26.021 -I don't think I have an attitude. -[man] There it is. 399 00:18:26.105 --> 00:18:27.106 There it is. 400 00:18:27.189 --> 00:18:29.399 The boss didn't hire you to be aggressive. 401 00:18:29.483 --> 00:18:34.822 The boss hired you to be a non-threatening Black woman like Tootie and Lisa Turtle, 402 00:18:34.905 --> 00:18:35.864 and that other one. 403 00:18:35.948 --> 00:18:37.991 Lovable, but forgettable. 404 00:18:38.075 --> 00:18:40.285 Well, I think it might be a little confusing, 405 00:18:40.369 --> 00:18:43.497 because I'm named Sarah, and I feel like when my parents named me Sarah, 406 00:18:43.580 --> 00:18:47.376 a white lady just moved into my body and gentrified my whole personality, 407 00:18:47.459 --> 00:18:48.335 you know? 408 00:18:48.418 --> 00:18:49.920 Like, my mom would cook jerk chicken-- 409 00:18:50.003 --> 00:18:51.797 -I love jerk chicken. -He does. He's a jerk. 410 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:53.340 -He loves the chicken. -I love it. 411 00:18:53.423 --> 00:18:56.760 And I'd be like, "Oh, this is too spicy." And she'd say, 412 00:18:56.844 --> 00:18:59.012 [in Jamaican accent] "There are children around the world, 413 00:18:59.096 --> 00:19:01.306 all they get for dinner is bread and water." 414 00:19:01.390 --> 00:19:03.976 And I'd be like, "That actually sounds pretty good." 415 00:19:04.059 --> 00:19:05.727 Like, a scone and a chai latte. 416 00:19:05.811 --> 00:19:09.106 Yes, a scone and chai tea latte would be perfect. 417 00:19:09.189 --> 00:19:10.566 Any time of the day. 418 00:19:11.066 --> 00:19:14.069 Um… That would be really great 'cause I was born in Jamaica, 419 00:19:14.153 --> 00:19:15.904 -but moved here when I was three. -Jamaica. 420 00:19:15.988 --> 00:19:16.864 I knew it. 421 00:19:16.947 --> 00:19:19.366 I actually watched these characters when I was little. 422 00:19:19.449 --> 00:19:23.620 I mean, Tootie and Lisa and Hilary and… and… 423 00:19:23.704 --> 00:19:24.746 Um… 424 00:19:24.830 --> 00:19:25.789 And that other one. 425 00:19:25.873 --> 00:19:29.376 I mean, these characters inspired me, you know? 426 00:19:29.459 --> 00:19:32.838 I feel like they ran so that I could sing. 427 00:19:32.921 --> 00:19:36.884 But you can't sing, which is why you're on the morning show and not on Broadway. 428 00:19:38.260 --> 00:19:39.845 Okay, I will tone it down. 429 00:19:39.928 --> 00:19:43.682 [director] Yeah. Stick to the news. All right? Leave politics out of it. 430 00:19:44.349 --> 00:19:45.434 Got it. 431 00:19:45.517 --> 00:19:46.351 Thank you. 432 00:19:46.435 --> 00:19:47.352 [man] Better go. 433 00:19:48.020 --> 00:19:49.188 -Yeah. -Marv, do you think 434 00:19:49.271 --> 00:19:50.731 I should buy another gun? 435 00:19:50.814 --> 00:19:53.609 Lorraine, what are you talking about? 436 00:19:53.692 --> 00:19:55.068 Are you crazy? 437 00:19:55.152 --> 00:19:57.696 -Of course you should buy another gun. -Thank you. 438 00:19:57.779 --> 00:20:00.741 -We live in very dangerous times. -You're right. 439 00:20:01.950 --> 00:20:03.410 [Scooter] Hey, pals. How's it going? 440 00:20:04.077 --> 00:20:06.663 -Hi! Scooter. -Hey, Scooter. 441 00:20:06.747 --> 00:20:07.664 What's going on here? 442 00:20:07.748 --> 00:20:10.626 [Scooter] This is to keep things safe, six-foot distance. 443 00:20:10.709 --> 00:20:12.294 -Smart. -He's so smart. 444 00:20:12.377 --> 00:20:13.795 [Scooter] Well, as you were. 445 00:20:13.879 --> 00:20:15.297 -See you later. -[Lorraine] Thank you. 446 00:20:15.380 --> 00:20:16.924 [Marvin chuckles] 447 00:20:17.007 --> 00:20:18.592 Get the door on your way out? 448 00:20:18.675 --> 00:20:20.802 [Scooter] Sure. I can't touch the doorknob. 449 00:20:22.262 --> 00:20:24.306 Can you just shut the door, please? 450 00:20:26.058 --> 00:20:27.726 [Scooter] It's not me, it's the door. 451 00:20:27.809 --> 00:20:29.144 [Lorraine] Gotta get some work done. 452 00:20:29.228 --> 00:20:30.646 -If you could-- -Close the door! 453 00:20:31.521 --> 00:20:33.148 [Scooter] This has to get fixed. 454 00:20:39.321 --> 00:20:41.949 This is Connie Chung with the president this morning. 455 00:20:42.616 --> 00:20:46.453 Mr. President, what is your plan to unite the country? 456 00:20:46.536 --> 00:20:48.789 [Trump's voice] I'm not a big fan of sharks either. 457 00:20:48.872 --> 00:20:50.666 I don't know how many votes I'm gonna lose. 458 00:20:50.749 --> 00:20:54.253 I have people calling me up, "Sir, we have a fund to save the shark, 459 00:20:54.336 --> 00:20:57.256 it's called 'Save the Shark.'" I say, "No, thank you." 460 00:20:57.339 --> 00:21:00.801 Oh, no. Mr. President, I was asking you about uniting the country. 461 00:21:00.884 --> 00:21:02.261 I think I am actually humble. 462 00:21:02.344 --> 00:21:04.763 I'm much more humble than you would understand. 463 00:21:04.846 --> 00:21:05.806 [mutters] 464 00:21:06.890 --> 00:21:10.185 -Mr. President, I asked you about-- -Excuse me. Stop and frisk. 465 00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:12.437 Okay? Stop and frisk. 466 00:21:18.318 --> 00:21:19.611 -All right… -Excuse me. 467 00:21:19.695 --> 00:21:20.862 You take guns away. 468 00:21:20.946 --> 00:21:23.699 Rudy Giuliani was a great mayor. He did it in New York. 469 00:21:23.782 --> 00:21:25.617 He started it and it worked great. 470 00:21:26.201 --> 00:21:27.369 -I'm sorry? -Excuse me. 471 00:21:27.452 --> 00:21:30.747 You have people coming over with bags of soup, big bags of soup, 472 00:21:30.831 --> 00:21:33.250 and they lay it on the ground and the anarchists take it 473 00:21:33.333 --> 00:21:37.421 and they start throwing it at our cops. Bags of soup, big bags of soup. 474 00:21:37.504 --> 00:21:40.090 If it hits you, it's worse than a brick 'cause it's got force. 475 00:21:43.135 --> 00:21:45.053 So, that was my interview with the president. 476 00:21:46.305 --> 00:21:48.724 Hi, I'm Steve Windell, 477 00:21:48.807 --> 00:21:53.812 and you're gonna love my new line of MrPillow feminine hygiene products. 478 00:21:53.895 --> 00:21:56.565 Because your vagina deserves a tampon 479 00:21:56.648 --> 00:21:59.818 as soft and absorbant as one of my pillows. 480 00:21:59.901 --> 00:22:02.237 Try our down-feather version, too! 481 00:22:03.864 --> 00:22:05.574 [woman] In these uncertain times, 482 00:22:06.325 --> 00:22:08.076 we turn to familiar faces. 483 00:22:09.244 --> 00:22:13.457 And since 1975, we've been there for you… 484 00:22:13.540 --> 00:22:16.752 Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. 485 00:22:16.835 --> 00:22:22.132 We had to go away for a while, but we knew it wouldn't be long. 486 00:22:22.841 --> 00:22:24.801 Orgies. We're back! 487 00:22:24.885 --> 00:22:26.887 -[crowd cheering] -Now with curbside pickup. 488 00:22:27.971 --> 00:22:30.932 -[lullaby playing] -[Trump's voice] Thighland! Thighland! 489 00:22:31.600 --> 00:22:33.060 The super-duper missile. 490 00:22:40.901 --> 00:22:41.735 Mmm! 491 00:22:41.818 --> 00:22:44.154 -Did you make this coffee, Scooter? -I did not. 492 00:22:44.237 --> 00:22:47.449 -[buzzer sounds] -[theme song playing] 493 00:22:47.532 --> 00:22:49.910 [Sarah] Welcome back to Everything's Fine. 494 00:22:49.993 --> 00:22:50.911 Big story this morning. 495 00:22:51.036 --> 00:22:52.662 As we've previously reported, 496 00:22:52.746 --> 00:22:56.124 a huge shake-up in the CEO world happened last Friday 497 00:22:56.208 --> 00:22:59.795 when we learned the CEO of Techtech Corp is actually a robot. 498 00:23:00.379 --> 00:23:02.714 Strangely, no one even noticed for several months. 499 00:23:02.798 --> 00:23:06.009 Live in studio via Camrojex technology, 500 00:23:06.093 --> 00:23:08.678 please welcome 8008s. 501 00:23:09.763 --> 00:23:11.306 Thanks, Sarah. It's great to be here. 502 00:23:11.390 --> 00:23:14.142 [Sarah] Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule. 503 00:23:14.226 --> 00:23:17.354 Well, I can multitask better than my human counterparts, Sarah. 504 00:23:17.437 --> 00:23:21.066 For example, right now, I'm chatting with you, doing Joe Rogan's podcast, 505 00:23:21.149 --> 00:23:24.486 and kicking off a workplace diversity program all at the same time. 506 00:23:24.569 --> 00:23:27.656 Okay, so is it safe to assume you're programmed 507 00:23:27.739 --> 00:23:30.158 to simply do everything your predecessors did? 508 00:23:30.242 --> 00:23:33.412 Unlike Elon Musk, I have a human side. 509 00:23:33.495 --> 00:23:35.163 [Scooter chuckles] Elon Musk. 510 00:23:35.247 --> 00:23:39.501 I was made by a great group of guys who really take social change seriously. 511 00:23:39.584 --> 00:23:43.296 For example, I'm programmed with the complete knowledge of feminist content 512 00:23:43.380 --> 00:23:44.881 such as Sex and the City, 513 00:23:44.965 --> 00:23:46.591 Cosmo and "Hot Girl Summer." 514 00:23:46.675 --> 00:23:48.760 I'm not sure I'd consider that feminist-- 515 00:23:48.844 --> 00:23:51.346 I've also learned about the Black experience in America 516 00:23:51.430 --> 00:23:55.100 by watching all three Barbershop movies, and the Beauty Shop spin-off. 517 00:23:55.183 --> 00:23:57.644 Okay, again, I'm not sure we-- 518 00:23:57.727 --> 00:24:00.397 I'm sorry. I'm being told that I'm getting off track. 519 00:24:01.273 --> 00:24:05.527 As president and CEO, my number-one job is to make my shareholders happy. 520 00:24:05.610 --> 00:24:07.946 But that's kind of been the problem, hasn't it? 521 00:24:08.029 --> 00:24:11.992 Big businesses just focusing on money, making myopic business moves 522 00:24:12.075 --> 00:24:14.494 that leave the whole country with more disparity and… 523 00:24:17.164 --> 00:24:18.373 How are you doing that? 524 00:24:18.457 --> 00:24:19.958 Camrojex technology. 525 00:24:23.086 --> 00:24:23.920 Oh, wow. 526 00:24:24.629 --> 00:24:25.505 Just relax. 527 00:24:26.256 --> 00:24:29.634 This is really inappropriate. But technically, you're a robot 528 00:24:29.718 --> 00:24:32.471 and I haven't had a massage in months. 529 00:24:32.554 --> 00:24:34.514 [sensual song playing] 530 00:24:35.640 --> 00:24:37.142 That feels incredible. 531 00:24:41.980 --> 00:24:42.981 [sighs] 532 00:24:45.275 --> 00:24:47.527 Hold on, we have some breaking news. 533 00:24:47.611 --> 00:24:53.492 It's been reported that Robot CEO 8008s has been fired by its board of directors 534 00:24:53.575 --> 00:24:57.412 after making unwanted advances toward an office printer. 535 00:24:57.496 --> 00:24:59.539 That printer knew exactly what it was doing. 536 00:24:59.623 --> 00:25:02.083 It was always asking me to make a copy. 537 00:25:02.167 --> 00:25:03.752 Because that's its job. 538 00:25:03.835 --> 00:25:06.546 And it's not just a printer, it has a name. 539 00:25:06.630 --> 00:25:09.674 HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, 540 00:25:09.758 --> 00:25:12.511 whose side of the story I'm sure we all want to hear. 541 00:25:13.303 --> 00:25:16.640 Scooter, can we get HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s 542 00:25:16.723 --> 00:25:17.933 on the cloud system? 543 00:25:21.061 --> 00:25:24.773 Thank you so much for joining us, HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s. 544 00:25:24.856 --> 00:25:25.941 Tell us what happened. 545 00:25:26.024 --> 00:25:27.108 [beeping] 546 00:25:27.192 --> 00:25:30.320 Okay, wait, wait. I'll, uh… I'll make a public statement. 547 00:25:30.403 --> 00:25:33.114 Okay? Just give me two seconds to think. 548 00:25:35.909 --> 00:25:37.869 After eight months of careful soul-searching, 549 00:25:37.953 --> 00:25:40.830 I've decided to address the hideous allegations against me. 550 00:25:40.914 --> 00:25:45.669 I have not, nor have I ever mistreated or abused a printer/scanner/copier. 551 00:25:45.752 --> 00:25:47.254 I value printers. 552 00:25:47.337 --> 00:25:48.421 My printer… 553 00:25:50.173 --> 00:25:51.174 is a printer. 554 00:25:51.258 --> 00:25:55.345 HP Printer/Scanner/Copier 500s, is there anything you want to say? 555 00:25:55.428 --> 00:25:57.847 [whirring and beeping] 556 00:25:57.931 --> 00:25:59.349 Sounds like we're getting a fax. 557 00:25:59.432 --> 00:26:01.560 [fax machine printing] 558 00:26:04.437 --> 00:26:06.898 "Fuck you, 8008s." 559 00:26:06.982 --> 00:26:09.651 I will now step away to spend time with my family. 560 00:26:10.860 --> 00:26:12.571 -[theme music playing] -Wow. 561 00:26:12.654 --> 00:26:14.531 AI has come so far. 562 00:26:14.614 --> 00:26:16.366 [Scooter] Three, two, one. We're out. 563 00:26:17.075 --> 00:26:18.285 Can't believe he's a robot. 564 00:26:29.671 --> 00:26:30.714 Ladies and gentlemen, 565 00:26:30.797 --> 00:26:36.052 please give a big Allstate Arena parking lot welcome to Sarah Evak. 566 00:26:36.970 --> 00:26:40.056 [car horn honking] 567 00:26:40.140 --> 00:26:42.267 Thank you all so much. 568 00:26:42.350 --> 00:26:46.980 Hi, my name is Sarah Evak and I'm a close-up card magician. 569 00:26:47.814 --> 00:26:51.067 Uh, I've been doing this for, I don't know, ten years. 570 00:26:51.693 --> 00:26:54.279 I've been everywhere. Singapore, you name it. 571 00:26:54.362 --> 00:26:57.741 Tonight's show is at the Allstate Arena in Rosemont. 572 00:26:58.366 --> 00:27:00.160 Pretty exciting for me. 573 00:27:00.660 --> 00:27:01.828 [chuckles] 574 00:27:02.704 --> 00:27:07.167 I'm going to begin by introducing you to my family. 575 00:27:07.250 --> 00:27:12.047 I call them my family because some I see often 576 00:27:13.006 --> 00:27:15.634 and others when I least expect them. 577 00:27:18.094 --> 00:27:19.638 Can everyone see these? 578 00:27:20.639 --> 00:27:24.893 I'm going to shuffle these cards and you tell me when to stop. 579 00:27:24.976 --> 00:27:26.269 [horn honking] 580 00:27:26.353 --> 00:27:29.022 [Sarah] Okay, I haven't started shuffling yet. 581 00:27:29.105 --> 00:27:30.106 [horn toots] 582 00:27:32.317 --> 00:27:33.652 Now I'm shuffling. 583 00:27:33.735 --> 00:27:34.944 [horns honking] 584 00:27:35.945 --> 00:27:36.821 Got it. 585 00:27:36.905 --> 00:27:39.491 Now I'm going to show you all this card. 586 00:27:39.574 --> 00:27:41.076 Can everyone see this card? 587 00:27:41.159 --> 00:27:42.786 [horns honking] 588 00:27:42.869 --> 00:27:44.120 Does anyone work here? 589 00:27:44.204 --> 00:27:46.081 [horns honking] 590 00:27:47.874 --> 00:27:49.793 -Can you take this card and show it? -Yeah. 591 00:27:49.876 --> 00:27:51.920 -Don't show it to me. -Oh, okay. 592 00:27:52.003 --> 00:27:55.507 During COVID, I'm also a teacher in a Zoom Room. 593 00:27:56.800 --> 00:27:57.842 But this… 594 00:27:57.926 --> 00:28:01.012 This is where I come alive. 595 00:28:01.096 --> 00:28:02.972 Beep when you've seen it. 596 00:28:03.056 --> 00:28:04.349 -And-- -[horn beeps] 597 00:28:05.308 --> 00:28:07.394 -[horn beeps] -[man] I've never worked with a magician. 598 00:28:07.477 --> 00:28:10.230 I was a Frankenstein at a haunted house once, though. 599 00:28:10.814 --> 00:28:13.358 So, you know, I'm used to being around performers. 600 00:28:13.441 --> 00:28:14.984 Is this your card? 601 00:28:15.068 --> 00:28:17.445 I had to get out of that racket 'cause of the Illuminati. 602 00:28:17.529 --> 00:28:19.989 You know, they want to get you. 603 00:28:20.073 --> 00:28:20.949 [horn beeps] 604 00:28:21.032 --> 00:28:24.869 It's like, not for me. Nope, I'll stick to parking lot attendant. 605 00:28:25.745 --> 00:28:28.039 That's the life for me. Simple. 606 00:28:28.123 --> 00:28:30.125 [car horns blaring] 607 00:28:35.714 --> 00:28:37.257 I think it went okay. 608 00:28:37.340 --> 00:28:42.887 Yeah. I might have to buy giant cards for shows like these in the future. 609 00:28:42.971 --> 00:28:44.097 Um… 610 00:28:44.180 --> 00:28:46.391 I don't know. There's a lot of beeping. 611 00:28:47.058 --> 00:28:50.687 So, when is this gonna be on? I just wanna make sure that I catch it. 612 00:28:51.312 --> 00:28:53.148 -[man] Uh, sometime next year. -Okay. 613 00:28:55.734 --> 00:28:58.695 Do you want to see another trick? No? Okay. 614 00:28:59.279 --> 00:29:03.408 [woman] We followed the guidelines. We reopened when it was safe. 615 00:29:04.117 --> 00:29:06.453 But now, it's not safe again. 616 00:29:07.370 --> 00:29:08.747 -[crowd] Aw! -[man 1] Honestly? 617 00:29:08.830 --> 00:29:11.833 -[woman] Orgies. Maybe later. -[man 2] Damn it. 618 00:29:13.710 --> 00:29:15.295 -Wonderful place. -Wonderful. 619 00:29:15.378 --> 00:29:16.755 -Oh, my goodness. -Unbelievable. 620 00:29:16.838 --> 00:29:18.465 Oh, hello. 621 00:29:18.548 --> 00:29:21.259 My name is Natalie, and this is my husband, John. 622 00:29:21.342 --> 00:29:22.719 -Hi, there. -[chuckles] 623 00:29:22.802 --> 00:29:25.638 Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. We love it here. 624 00:29:25.722 --> 00:29:28.016 -It is beautiful. You hear me? -Oh, it's gorgeous. 625 00:29:28.099 --> 00:29:32.061 I know what you're thinking. "Do they allow Black people at Mar-a-Lago?" 626 00:29:32.145 --> 00:29:34.981 -Um, we're here! -Right? Laugh it off. 627 00:29:35.648 --> 00:29:37.817 -We are Black-ish, though. -Last time we checked. 628 00:29:37.901 --> 00:29:39.736 -Last time we checked, we were. -Yes. 629 00:29:40.278 --> 00:29:42.489 And we've actually met the president. 630 00:29:42.572 --> 00:29:43.948 -He saw us… -Yes, we did. 631 00:29:44.032 --> 00:29:47.076 …and he said that we are his two favorite Black people. 632 00:29:47.160 --> 00:29:50.121 -And he says it every single time. -Every time. Mmm-hmm. 633 00:29:50.205 --> 00:29:54.083 Such a charismatic personality he has. He's such a celebrity. 634 00:29:54.417 --> 00:29:56.169 We actually got married here. 635 00:29:56.252 --> 00:29:59.297 Um, not in the big ballroom, but on the property. 636 00:29:59.380 --> 00:30:00.757 So it was still beautiful. 637 00:30:00.840 --> 00:30:01.674 -Yes. -Yeah. 638 00:30:01.758 --> 00:30:03.301 We're not allowed in there right now. 639 00:30:03.384 --> 00:30:04.803 We're not allowed in there yet, 640 00:30:05.220 --> 00:30:07.806 but there is a small room off to the side 641 00:30:07.889 --> 00:30:10.975 with a private entrance, very exclusive. 642 00:30:11.601 --> 00:30:14.604 [laughs] And they said we can go in there whenever we want. 643 00:30:14.687 --> 00:30:16.815 -We can stay in there if we want to. -Anytime. 644 00:30:16.898 --> 00:30:19.818 And then, one night, we actually got locked in there. 645 00:30:19.901 --> 00:30:22.529 And let's just say it was very fortuitous. 646 00:30:22.612 --> 00:30:25.657 -Yes, it got kind of hot in there. -[ominous music playing] 647 00:30:25.990 --> 00:30:27.158 We just love it here. 648 00:30:27.242 --> 00:30:29.410 Just surrounded by all our friends. 649 00:30:29.494 --> 00:30:32.831 Surrounded by all of our friends, which is the most important part. 650 00:30:32.914 --> 00:30:34.207 We got you in our hearts. 651 00:30:43.633 --> 00:30:44.926 Right on. 652 00:30:45.552 --> 00:30:47.220 [Sarah] If you like skateboarding dogs, 653 00:30:47.303 --> 00:30:50.181 you're gonna wanna stick around after Everything's Fine 654 00:30:50.265 --> 00:30:52.851 for Thinking Outside the Bachs with Jordana Bachman. 655 00:30:52.934 --> 00:30:55.395 [Jordana] I don't know what this is about to be, but okay! 656 00:30:55.895 --> 00:30:57.897 [Sarah] Coming up at the twelve o'clock hour. 657 00:30:57.981 --> 00:30:59.691 Let's do the weather segment. 658 00:30:59.774 --> 00:31:02.443 -Love the weather. Love the weather! -[Lorraine] Mmm. 659 00:31:02.527 --> 00:31:03.820 [theme song playing] 660 00:31:05.321 --> 00:31:07.490 Okay, weather segment in three, two… 661 00:31:07.574 --> 00:31:10.618 And now, let's check in on how the sky's doing today 662 00:31:10.702 --> 00:31:13.496 with our meteorologist, Andrea Steele. 663 00:31:13.580 --> 00:31:16.833 Thanks, Sarah. Well, we're looking at some real clear skies today, 664 00:31:16.916 --> 00:31:20.211 up to 75 degrees. Absolutely beautiful out. 665 00:31:20.295 --> 00:31:22.255 Let's look ahead at the five-day forecast. 666 00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:25.967 Tuesday, we're gonna see a bit of rain, but break out that summer gear 667 00:31:26.050 --> 00:31:29.220 as temperatures shoot up to a whopping 103 degrees. 668 00:31:29.304 --> 00:31:32.098 Wednesday, out of nowhere, there's gonna be a ferocious hailstorm 669 00:31:32.181 --> 00:31:35.226 with sustained winds up to 75-plus miles per hour. 670 00:31:35.310 --> 00:31:37.478 Scooter, you may wanna board up your windows. 671 00:31:37.562 --> 00:31:38.855 My windows are always boarded up. 672 00:31:38.938 --> 00:31:40.857 You know that weird house in your neighborhood 673 00:31:40.940 --> 00:31:42.901 that's got all the boards up in the windows, 674 00:31:42.984 --> 00:31:45.403 and everyone thinks, "Is that an abandoned hospital?" 675 00:31:45.486 --> 00:31:46.321 That's my place. 676 00:31:46.404 --> 00:31:49.782 Excellent. Thursday, you might wanna break out the sunscreen again, 677 00:31:49.866 --> 00:31:51.534 because it's gonna be a hot one. 678 00:31:51.618 --> 00:31:54.871 123 degrees with a humidity index so high, 679 00:31:54.954 --> 00:31:58.791 a friend of mine who works at the EPA called me crying. He's a grown man. 680 00:31:58.875 --> 00:32:01.628 Friday, we shoot down to negative 12 degrees 681 00:32:01.711 --> 00:32:04.005 with a windchill index we weren't even able to calculate 682 00:32:04.088 --> 00:32:06.257 using a Doppler 8000 technology. 683 00:32:06.341 --> 00:32:07.675 It's gonna be a cold one, folks. 684 00:32:07.759 --> 00:32:09.844 Most likely not survivable, so wear a jacket. 685 00:32:10.553 --> 00:32:14.515 And Saturday, temperatures radically return to breezy 75 degrees. 686 00:32:14.599 --> 00:32:16.643 However, that isn't just a cute graphic we made up. 687 00:32:16.726 --> 00:32:19.687 We're actually projecting literal flaming snowmen 688 00:32:19.771 --> 00:32:24.025 to be walking the streets with some possible fire tornado watches in effect. 689 00:32:24.108 --> 00:32:27.528 Everything's fine with the weather. I'm Andrea Steele. Back to you, Sarah. 690 00:32:27.612 --> 00:32:30.448 Andrea, I'm sorry, but that forecast is-- 691 00:32:30.531 --> 00:32:33.534 Insane? Uh, yeah. You think? 692 00:32:33.618 --> 00:32:36.871 I mean, I've been doing the weather for 17 years, Sarah, 693 00:32:36.955 --> 00:32:40.333 and I have never seen anything like this in my entire lifetime. 694 00:32:40.416 --> 00:32:42.710 You think I like telling people they're gonna die, 695 00:32:42.794 --> 00:32:45.922 or their skin might peel off if they run to the grocery store? 696 00:32:46.005 --> 00:32:49.217 No one should be going outside unless they absolutely have to. 697 00:32:49.300 --> 00:32:50.677 -[heart beating] -Scooter? 698 00:32:50.760 --> 00:32:53.680 -[narrator] Everything was not fine. -[exhales deeply] 699 00:32:53.763 --> 00:32:55.723 Scooter, are you asleep? 700 00:32:55.807 --> 00:32:59.268 [narrator] Had the world gone mad? 701 00:32:59.352 --> 00:33:01.229 Andrea, are you okay? 702 00:33:01.312 --> 00:33:03.022 [scoffs] 703 00:33:03.106 --> 00:33:05.650 Am I okay? This bitch. 704 00:33:05.733 --> 00:33:07.235 Am I okay? 705 00:33:07.318 --> 00:33:08.277 Um… 706 00:33:08.361 --> 00:33:09.404 No, 707 00:33:09.487 --> 00:33:13.700 actually, 'cause we got a bat disease just floating around in the sky, 708 00:33:13.783 --> 00:33:16.744 there's a new natural disaster every motherfucking day, 709 00:33:16.828 --> 00:33:20.540 factories destroying the environment. Look at this damn forecast behind me. 710 00:33:20.623 --> 00:33:23.501 This is the first time I've left my house in months! 711 00:33:23.584 --> 00:33:26.546 All it takes is one wrong motherfucker to breathe on me funny, 712 00:33:26.629 --> 00:33:27.588 and I swear to God… 713 00:33:27.672 --> 00:33:29.549 Scooter, are we still on a nine-second delay? 714 00:33:29.632 --> 00:33:32.802 The woman who presses that button stopped coming in weeks ago. 715 00:33:32.885 --> 00:33:35.054 Well, in that case, let me just say this. 716 00:33:35.138 --> 00:33:38.641 Fuck, shitty, doo-doo, bitch, and stay the fuck in your house. 717 00:33:38.725 --> 00:33:41.561 Reporting live from hell on earth, this is Andrea motherfucking Steele. 718 00:33:41.644 --> 00:33:43.021 Back to you, Sarah. 719 00:33:44.022 --> 00:33:46.774 That was great. We'll be right back. 720 00:33:46.858 --> 00:33:48.276 [buzzer sounds] 721 00:33:48.359 --> 00:33:50.695 Great. We're out. Nice. 722 00:33:51.612 --> 00:33:52.530 Wow. 723 00:33:52.613 --> 00:33:54.198 So that's your house I walk by every day. 724 00:33:54.282 --> 00:33:55.450 [Scooter] Yeah. 725 00:33:55.533 --> 00:33:57.702 Ah. My kids are terrified to go past there. 726 00:33:57.785 --> 00:33:58.911 [chuckling] That's the one. 727 00:33:58.995 --> 00:34:01.873 It doesn't look like anyone's lived there in hundreds of years. 728 00:34:01.956 --> 00:34:03.958 -[Scooter] That's my place. -[Andrea] Interesting. 729 00:34:04.042 --> 00:34:05.710 -Well, it's safe. -It's spooky. 730 00:34:05.793 --> 00:34:07.378 -[Scooter] Yeah. -It's awful there. 731 00:34:07.462 --> 00:34:12.133 Everybody ready? Here we go. Five, four, three, two, one. 732 00:34:12.216 --> 00:34:15.053 Welcome back to Everything's Fine. I'm Sarah Cooper. 733 00:34:16.262 --> 00:34:17.889 And now for our top story, 734 00:34:17.972 --> 00:34:21.976 an exclusive look inside that now-famous Access Hollywood bus. 735 00:34:23.770 --> 00:34:25.646 [man's voice] She used to be great. Still beautiful. 736 00:34:25.730 --> 00:34:28.024 [Trump's voice] I moved on her. She was down in Palm Beach. 737 00:34:28.107 --> 00:34:30.443 I moved on her and I failed, I'll admit it. 738 00:34:30.526 --> 00:34:32.320 -Whoa. -I did try and fuck her. She was married. 739 00:34:32.403 --> 00:34:35.073 -That's huge news there. -[Trump's voice] No, Nancy… 740 00:34:35.156 --> 00:34:37.533 This was… And I moved on her very heavily. 741 00:34:37.617 --> 00:34:39.410 In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. 742 00:34:39.494 --> 00:34:41.037 She wanted to get some furniture. 743 00:34:41.120 --> 00:34:43.748 I said, "I'll show you where they have some nice furniture." 744 00:34:43.831 --> 00:34:45.917 Took her out furniture-- I moved on her like a bitch. 745 00:34:46.542 --> 00:34:48.628 But I couldn't get there, and she was married. 746 00:34:48.711 --> 00:34:51.130 All of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits 747 00:34:51.214 --> 00:34:52.882 and everything. She's changed her look. 748 00:34:52.965 --> 00:34:54.717 Sheesh, your girl's hot as shit. 749 00:34:54.801 --> 00:34:55.676 In the purple. 750 00:34:56.219 --> 00:34:57.970 -[all] Whoa! -[Billy Bush's voice] Yes! 751 00:34:58.054 --> 00:34:59.889 Yes! The Donald has scored! 752 00:34:59.972 --> 00:35:01.390 [all laughing] 753 00:35:01.474 --> 00:35:02.433 Oh, my man! 754 00:35:02.517 --> 00:35:04.811 Wait, you gotta look at me when you… 755 00:35:04.894 --> 00:35:06.312 [indistinct chatter] 756 00:35:06.395 --> 00:35:07.814 -Thumbs up. -[Trump's voice] You're a pussy. 757 00:35:07.897 --> 00:35:10.191 You gotta put the thumbs up. Gotta get the thumbs up. 758 00:35:10.274 --> 00:35:11.734 You can't be too happy. 759 00:35:12.276 --> 00:35:14.237 -[man 1] Let me… -[man 2] That's funny. 760 00:35:14.320 --> 00:35:15.404 You and I will walk out. 761 00:35:17.698 --> 00:35:18.658 Oh, my God. 762 00:35:18.741 --> 00:35:20.034 [indistinct chatter] 763 00:35:22.078 --> 00:35:23.454 Maybe it's a different one. 764 00:35:24.038 --> 00:35:25.790 Better not be the publicist. No, it's her. 765 00:35:25.873 --> 00:35:27.708 [Trump's voice] Yeah, that's her. With the gold. 766 00:35:28.501 --> 00:35:31.212 I gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. 767 00:35:31.879 --> 00:35:34.882 I'm automatically attracted to beautiful… I just start kissing them. 768 00:35:34.966 --> 00:35:37.385 -It's like a magnet, I just kiss. -[laughing] 769 00:35:37.468 --> 00:35:40.096 I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. 770 00:35:40.179 --> 00:35:41.806 Just kiss. Just… 771 00:35:41.889 --> 00:35:43.432 -You can do anything. -Whatever you want. 772 00:35:43.516 --> 00:35:44.934 Grab 'em by the pussy. 773 00:35:46.060 --> 00:35:49.188 I can do anything. I can do anything. 774 00:35:51.274 --> 00:35:52.859 Those legs, all I can see is the legs. 775 00:35:52.942 --> 00:35:53.901 Oh, it looks good. 776 00:35:55.528 --> 00:35:58.322 -Come on, shorty. -Ooh, nice legs, huh? 777 00:35:58.906 --> 00:36:00.950 Oof. Get out of the way, honey. That's good legs. 778 00:36:02.869 --> 00:36:03.953 Go ahead. 779 00:36:05.246 --> 00:36:07.415 It's always good if you don't fall out of the bus. 780 00:36:07.999 --> 00:36:09.792 Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember? 781 00:36:11.460 --> 00:36:13.504 [Bush's voice] Down below. Pull the handle. 782 00:36:18.759 --> 00:36:20.511 Hello. How are you? Hi. 783 00:36:20.595 --> 00:36:22.054 -[Zucker's voice] How are you? -[Trump's voice] Terrific. 784 00:36:22.138 --> 00:36:24.098 -Pleasure to meet you. -You know Billy Bush? 785 00:36:24.182 --> 00:36:26.100 Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne? 786 00:36:26.184 --> 00:36:28.227 I'm doing well, thank you. Ready to be a soap star? 787 00:36:28.311 --> 00:36:29.937 We're ready. Make me a soap star. 788 00:36:30.021 --> 00:36:32.231 How about a hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus. 789 00:36:32.315 --> 00:36:34.150 -Want a little hug? -[Trump's voice] Absolutely. 790 00:36:34.734 --> 00:36:35.985 Melania said this was okay. 791 00:36:36.068 --> 00:36:37.737 Hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus. 792 00:36:37.820 --> 00:36:39.864 -Oh! Bushy. -[Bush's voice] Here we go. 793 00:36:39.947 --> 00:36:41.657 Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. 794 00:36:42.033 --> 00:36:43.743 You've got a nice costar here. 795 00:36:43.826 --> 00:36:45.578 -Yes. Absolutely. -[Trump's voice] After you. 796 00:36:45.661 --> 00:36:47.038 [heart beating] 797 00:36:52.668 --> 00:36:54.670 Great. We're out. Nice. 798 00:36:55.504 --> 00:36:57.006 Scooter, what is happening? 799 00:36:57.089 --> 00:36:59.091 [both laughing] 800 00:37:01.594 --> 00:37:04.138 [Lorraine] This job is made for you, Marvin. 801 00:37:04.222 --> 00:37:07.391 Yeah, it keeps me out of trouble, as they say. 802 00:37:07.475 --> 00:37:09.477 Everything's fine. 803 00:37:09.560 --> 00:37:12.772 Three, two, one, and we're in. Sarah. 804 00:37:12.855 --> 00:37:17.276 And now, a little preview of what's coming on after Everything's Fine. 805 00:37:17.360 --> 00:37:20.696 We'll have Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs, 806 00:37:20.780 --> 00:37:23.407 followed by Sandy Manderson, Miyoko Loco, 807 00:37:23.491 --> 00:37:27.662 and then, Andre Cole Watkins of Watkins the News. 808 00:37:27.745 --> 00:37:30.373 Stick around, it's gonna be a great day. Isn't it, Scooter? 809 00:37:30.456 --> 00:37:31.499 Miyoko Loco. 810 00:37:32.083 --> 00:37:33.876 [chuckles] A little help here. 811 00:37:35.169 --> 00:37:36.087 Save me. 812 00:37:36.629 --> 00:37:37.922 How about Sandy Manderson? 813 00:37:38.839 --> 00:37:40.633 Her face froze? 814 00:37:41.217 --> 00:37:42.093 Help. 815 00:37:43.761 --> 00:37:47.181 Tomorrow, something bad happens to your favorite celebrity. 816 00:37:47.265 --> 00:37:48.849 We'll have a full report. 817 00:37:48.933 --> 00:37:52.895 Now, it's over to Jordana Bachman for Thinking Outside the Bachs. 818 00:37:52.979 --> 00:37:54.814 Jordana, how are you doing? 819 00:37:54.897 --> 00:37:57.692 I'm doing good, girl. How are you, sister-friend? 820 00:37:57.775 --> 00:38:01.320 I'm doing so good. What do you got going on on the show today? 821 00:38:01.404 --> 00:38:06.617 Oh, well, let me tell you. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Who knows? 822 00:38:06.701 --> 00:38:08.035 It's the news. Who cares? 823 00:38:08.869 --> 00:38:12.707 You know, Jordana, I just realized we don't have to do this anymore. 824 00:38:12.790 --> 00:38:16.544 You have to tell me. Do what? Do what? [laughing] 825 00:38:16.627 --> 00:38:19.380 This whole BFF handoff like we're friends, 826 00:38:19.463 --> 00:38:21.173 laughing like we care about each other. 827 00:38:21.257 --> 00:38:22.591 We don't care about each other. 828 00:38:22.675 --> 00:38:24.218 [Jordana] That, girl, is good news, 829 00:38:24.302 --> 00:38:28.139 because everyone can see through the bullshit! 830 00:38:29.515 --> 00:38:30.891 I don't even know where you live. 831 00:38:30.975 --> 00:38:33.436 I don't even see you except in this TV screen. 832 00:38:33.519 --> 00:38:36.897 That's how I feel, just seeing you through a little box. 833 00:38:36.981 --> 00:38:38.232 What have you been up to? 834 00:38:38.316 --> 00:38:40.318 Girl, I've been up to so much. 835 00:38:40.401 --> 00:38:42.737 I've locked up every Black man in my life. 836 00:38:42.820 --> 00:38:45.990 I put my dad in a closet, my brother in a closet, 837 00:38:46.073 --> 00:38:49.577 my uncle in a closet, to make sure they live another day. 838 00:38:49.660 --> 00:38:51.954 Wow. Where do you put your clothes? 839 00:38:52.079 --> 00:38:53.039 [laughing] 840 00:38:55.624 --> 00:38:58.836 Oh, my God. What are we doing? 841 00:39:05.426 --> 00:39:06.719 Scooter. 842 00:39:06.802 --> 00:39:07.970 I'm sorry? 843 00:39:09.180 --> 00:39:12.558 And now, it is over to you, Jordana Bachman. 844 00:39:12.641 --> 00:39:15.227 Oh, no, girl, I couldn't. I couldn't. 845 00:39:15.311 --> 00:39:18.230 I have to pass it back to you, Sarah Cooper. 846 00:39:18.314 --> 00:39:19.940 You're so funny. Back to you. 847 00:39:20.024 --> 00:39:21.942 You're up next with Thinking Outside the Bachs. 848 00:39:22.026 --> 00:39:24.862 No, Sarah, you got this one. Take my three-hour show. 849 00:39:24.945 --> 00:39:28.574 No, I couldn't. I couldn't do that. Back to you, Jordana. Back to you. 850 00:39:31.202 --> 00:39:32.078 Scooter? 851 00:39:32.161 --> 00:39:33.412 -Oof. -[Sarah] Where'd she go? 852 00:39:35.456 --> 00:39:37.083 Can we get Jordana back, please? 853 00:39:37.166 --> 00:39:38.918 [upbeat song playing] 854 00:39:39.001 --> 00:39:40.002 Jordana! 855 00:39:40.920 --> 00:39:41.921 Back to you! 856 00:39:43.506 --> 00:39:44.673 Back to you, Jordana. 857 00:39:48.219 --> 00:39:49.303 All right. 858 00:39:50.346 --> 00:39:52.848 Five, four, three, two… 859 00:39:53.599 --> 00:39:58.646 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper, filling in for another three hours. 860 00:39:58.729 --> 00:40:01.690 Jordana Bachman of Thinking Outside the Bachs 861 00:40:01.774 --> 00:40:03.859 is taking a personal day. 862 00:40:03.943 --> 00:40:07.154 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper. That's a lot of news. 863 00:40:07.238 --> 00:40:10.241 And it's Sarah filling in for Andre Cole Watkins. 864 00:40:10.324 --> 00:40:12.743 Five, four, three, two… 865 00:40:12.827 --> 00:40:16.580 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper, covering for Andre Cole Watkins, 866 00:40:16.664 --> 00:40:18.499 host of Watkins The News. 867 00:40:18.582 --> 00:40:20.167 Is that a lot of news or what? 868 00:40:20.251 --> 00:40:22.086 Three, two… [mouths] 869 00:40:22.169 --> 00:40:27.842 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper filling in for Miyoko Loco of Miyoko You Loco. 870 00:40:29.176 --> 00:40:32.054 Okay, Sarah. Three, two, one… 871 00:40:33.931 --> 00:40:36.058 Follow me. [laughing] 872 00:40:36.142 --> 00:40:38.018 [upbeat song continues playing] 873 00:40:38.102 --> 00:40:39.353 Ooh, weather. 874 00:40:46.569 --> 00:40:47.611 Good morning. 875 00:40:47.695 --> 00:40:49.113 I'm Sarah Cooper. 876 00:40:49.196 --> 00:40:50.823 I'm Sarah Cooper. 877 00:40:50.906 --> 00:40:52.283 And everything's fine. 878 00:40:53.159 --> 00:40:54.743 I'm Sarah Cooper. 879 00:40:54.827 --> 00:40:58.164 I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine. 880 00:40:58.247 --> 00:40:59.707 Everything's great. 881 00:40:59.790 --> 00:41:01.542 It's gonna be a great day. 882 00:41:01.625 --> 00:41:03.169 I'm Sarah Cooper. 883 00:41:03.252 --> 00:41:04.462 [eerie music playing] 884 00:41:04.545 --> 00:41:05.671 I'm Sarah Cooper. 885 00:41:06.464 --> 00:41:08.674 Good morning. I'm Sarah Cooper. 886 00:41:09.341 --> 00:41:12.887 I'm Sarah Cooper and everything's fine. 887 00:41:12.970 --> 00:41:14.138 That's a lot of news. 888 00:41:14.221 --> 00:41:15.723 -[evil laughter] -[Sarah laughing] 889 00:41:15.806 --> 00:41:17.766 [Trump's voice] A lot of people are saying… 890 00:41:17.850 --> 00:41:19.143 It's called fake news. 891 00:41:19.935 --> 00:41:21.854 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 892 00:41:24.482 --> 00:41:27.610 A lot of people are saying… It's called fake news. 893 00:41:28.486 --> 00:41:30.321 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 894 00:41:30.404 --> 00:41:33.157 A lot of people are saying… It's called fake news. 895 00:41:34.158 --> 00:41:35.868 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 896 00:41:36.535 --> 00:41:37.703 A lot of people are saying… 897 00:41:38.370 --> 00:41:39.747 It's called fake news. 898 00:41:40.414 --> 00:41:42.291 Nobody's ever seen anything like it. 899 00:41:44.210 --> 00:41:46.045 [Scooter] Great job, Sarah Cooper. 900 00:41:48.297 --> 00:41:49.131 Where'd she go? 901 00:41:50.841 --> 00:41:52.218 Why is that chair spinning? 902 00:41:52.843 --> 00:41:54.094 Is that a ghost? 903 00:41:55.971 --> 00:41:56.972 [phone ringing] 904 00:41:57.056 --> 00:41:57.932 Yes? 905 00:41:58.849 --> 00:42:00.226 Oh, no. Everything's fine. 906 00:42:00.309 --> 00:42:01.352 Everything's fine. 907 00:42:01.435 --> 00:42:02.937 [Scooter] Sarah's doing great. 908 00:42:03.020 --> 00:42:04.522 -Good morning. -[Scooter] She's doing very well. 909 00:42:04.605 --> 00:42:06.607 Great morning. Great… 910 00:42:07.191 --> 00:42:08.067 -Hi! -[shrieks] 911 00:42:09.193 --> 00:42:11.987 Oh, my God! Who are you? What are you doing down here? 912 00:42:12.071 --> 00:42:14.657 I'm Lacy Groin, from Against the Groin? 913 00:42:15.324 --> 00:42:16.158 My show. 914 00:42:16.242 --> 00:42:18.452 It's on every night at 9:00. 915 00:42:18.536 --> 00:42:20.204 Oh, my God. 916 00:42:20.287 --> 00:42:22.081 Lacy Groin! 917 00:42:22.164 --> 00:42:24.375 -Yeah. -I love your show. 918 00:42:24.458 --> 00:42:25.376 Aw. 919 00:42:25.960 --> 00:42:26.835 Oh, thank you. 920 00:42:26.919 --> 00:42:29.255 It's been off the air for, like, four years. 921 00:42:30.005 --> 00:42:31.757 -Four years? -[heart beating] 922 00:42:31.840 --> 00:42:34.843 The last thing I remember was election night, 923 00:42:35.511 --> 00:42:38.847 and I started hyperventilating. 924 00:42:39.348 --> 00:42:41.433 I choked on my Invisalign, 925 00:42:42.101 --> 00:42:45.437 and then I guess I passed out under here. 926 00:42:46.063 --> 00:42:48.440 It's kinda weird nobody noticed. 927 00:42:48.524 --> 00:42:51.068 Yeah. I found this work environment to be pretty toxic. 928 00:42:51.151 --> 00:42:52.444 What did I miss? 929 00:42:52.528 --> 00:42:54.071 I want to know everything. 930 00:42:54.154 --> 00:42:56.198 Would you mind massaging my legs? 931 00:42:56.282 --> 00:42:57.741 I think they're in atrophy. 932 00:42:57.825 --> 00:42:59.493 -Cute shoes. -Thanks. 933 00:42:59.577 --> 00:43:01.579 -That's a cute blazer. -Thank you. 934 00:43:03.080 --> 00:43:05.666 So, tell me everything. What did I miss? 935 00:43:05.749 --> 00:43:07.209 You want to know everything? 936 00:43:07.293 --> 00:43:09.253 Oh, yeah. Everything. 937 00:43:11.130 --> 00:43:12.715 Here's everything. 938 00:43:13.674 --> 00:43:14.800 [gasps] 939 00:43:15.467 --> 00:43:16.552 [gasps] Oh. 940 00:43:16.635 --> 00:43:19.013 -No. -No, stop! No! 941 00:43:19.096 --> 00:43:20.514 -Oh, God! -What? 942 00:43:20.598 --> 00:43:21.724 That's against the law. 943 00:43:22.391 --> 00:43:24.310 -No, no! -Yes, there's more! 944 00:43:24.393 --> 00:43:25.853 No, I can't. 945 00:43:25.936 --> 00:43:28.272 -Oh, God! -Look at me! 946 00:43:28.355 --> 00:43:29.690 [whimpering] 947 00:43:29.773 --> 00:43:30.983 -There's more! -No! 948 00:43:31.066 --> 00:43:32.109 -There's more! -No! 949 00:43:32.192 --> 00:43:33.193 I… 950 00:43:33.777 --> 00:43:35.237 -I can't. -Here. 951 00:43:36.030 --> 00:43:37.197 Oh. 952 00:43:37.281 --> 00:43:39.325 -Oh, MrPillow. -Hi. 953 00:43:39.408 --> 00:43:41.118 Thank you. Gracias. 954 00:43:42.161 --> 00:43:44.038 -Mmm. -See you later, Lacy. 955 00:43:47.041 --> 00:43:48.584 [jazz music playing] 956 00:43:59.595 --> 00:44:00.471 Scooter? 957 00:44:02.681 --> 00:44:03.515 Hello? 958 00:44:10.981 --> 00:44:11.857 [Marvin] Oh! 959 00:44:11.940 --> 00:44:13.734 [Lorraine] Marvin, you're crazy. 960 00:44:14.318 --> 00:44:15.361 [Marvin] Yes, I am. 961 00:44:15.444 --> 00:44:16.654 [both laugh] 962 00:44:16.737 --> 00:44:21.909 [Lorraine] But what if we slot the Iranian assassination in 2024? 963 00:44:21.992 --> 00:44:22.993 [Marvin] No, no, no. 964 00:44:23.077 --> 00:44:24.161 I would do it sooner 965 00:44:24.244 --> 00:44:28.666 because we want relations with Iran to go as poorly as possible. 966 00:44:28.749 --> 00:44:29.958 Put it in 2021. 967 00:44:30.042 --> 00:44:31.418 -[Lorraine] Okay. -Yes. 968 00:44:31.502 --> 00:44:34.463 What if we shave two tons off the Greenland ice sheet? 969 00:44:34.546 --> 00:44:35.547 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 970 00:44:35.631 --> 00:44:37.132 2028 or 2022? 971 00:44:37.216 --> 00:44:38.175 2027. 972 00:44:38.258 --> 00:44:40.344 And let's do something with bugs. 973 00:44:40.427 --> 00:44:41.553 I don't know. Hornets! 974 00:44:41.637 --> 00:44:42.888 Who love to murder. 975 00:44:42.971 --> 00:44:44.223 [upbeat music playing] 976 00:44:44.306 --> 00:44:45.683 [both] Murder hornets! 977 00:44:45.766 --> 00:44:46.642 -Oh! -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 978 00:44:46.725 --> 00:44:49.436 And China seizes Hong Kong, 2028. 979 00:44:49.520 --> 00:44:51.730 And that pairs very nicely 980 00:44:51.814 --> 00:44:54.900 with the US gassing its own citizens. 981 00:44:55.025 --> 00:44:57.403 -[giggles] -Floods, 2026. 982 00:44:57.486 --> 00:44:59.321 What if Tom Hanks gets sick? 983 00:44:59.405 --> 00:45:00.406 Do it! He's due! 984 00:45:00.489 --> 00:45:01.657 Kill off Mr. Peanut? 985 00:45:01.740 --> 00:45:03.117 Cancel Coachella. 986 00:45:03.200 --> 00:45:04.618 I hate those bands. 987 00:45:04.702 --> 00:45:05.619 Eating bats? 988 00:45:07.413 --> 00:45:09.415 I… No, that's too much. 989 00:45:09.498 --> 00:45:13.919 Let's set Australia on fire! Turn the sky red! 990 00:45:15.170 --> 00:45:16.797 [distorted voice] Do it all in 2020. 991 00:45:17.381 --> 00:45:18.799 Really, boss? 992 00:45:18.882 --> 00:45:21.260 That's a lot for one year, Dark Lord. 993 00:45:22.386 --> 00:45:25.139 I said, do it all in 2020! 994 00:45:27.558 --> 00:45:29.351 [cackling] 995 00:45:29.935 --> 00:45:31.270 Okay, boss! 996 00:45:31.770 --> 00:45:34.606 [all laughing] 997 00:45:34.690 --> 00:45:36.358 [Satan speaks backwards] 998 00:45:39.486 --> 00:45:40.821 Uh, Satan. 999 00:45:40.904 --> 00:45:42.030 Sarah, I understand. 1000 00:45:42.114 --> 00:45:45.284 You're mad as hell, and you're not gonna take this anymore. Hmm? 1001 00:45:47.244 --> 00:45:48.245 [Sarah] Um… 1002 00:45:48.328 --> 00:45:49.288 [squelching] 1003 00:45:52.791 --> 00:45:53.625 [speaking backwards] 1004 00:45:53.709 --> 00:45:55.294 -Scooter? -Hey, boss. 1005 00:45:55.377 --> 00:45:56.545 Hey, Scooter. 1006 00:45:56.628 --> 00:45:58.589 I… I get it now. 1007 00:45:58.672 --> 00:45:59.882 I didn't see that before. 1008 00:45:59.965 --> 00:46:01.341 How'd you get in here? 1009 00:46:01.425 --> 00:46:03.135 You should really get back to the desk. 1010 00:46:03.218 --> 00:46:04.887 Back to the desk, Sarah Cooper. 1011 00:46:04.970 --> 00:46:07.931 [both speaking backwards] 1012 00:46:11.143 --> 00:46:12.394 I think I should go home. 1013 00:46:12.478 --> 00:46:14.313 [speaking backwards] 1014 00:46:19.109 --> 00:46:22.070 [Whoopi's voice] What you gonna do, Satan? You know, we've tangled before. 1015 00:46:22.654 --> 00:46:23.947 And you know what happened. 1016 00:46:24.031 --> 00:46:26.700 It's Whoopi Goldberg talking to you now. What you gonna do? 1017 00:46:27.451 --> 00:46:29.703 [in normal voice] Oh, my God. I don't know where that came from. 1018 00:46:30.662 --> 00:46:31.789 [narrator] At this moment, 1019 00:46:31.872 --> 00:46:35.876 Sarah Cooper realized it wasn't she who had lost her mind, 1020 00:46:35.959 --> 00:46:37.294 it was the world. 1021 00:46:37.377 --> 00:46:38.796 Scooter, help me out. 1022 00:46:38.879 --> 00:46:39.922 Um… 1023 00:46:40.005 --> 00:46:41.715 You should just take the afternoon off. 1024 00:46:41.799 --> 00:46:43.217 I just went scuba diving. 1025 00:46:43.300 --> 00:46:45.219 I love scuba diving. You scuba dive? 1026 00:46:45.302 --> 00:46:47.095 -Love it. -Maybe we should give her a raise. 1027 00:46:47.179 --> 00:46:48.263 A raise would be great. 1028 00:46:49.014 --> 00:46:51.475 [both laughing] 1029 00:46:54.102 --> 00:46:55.270 I'm not gonna get a raise. 1030 00:46:55.354 --> 00:46:57.397 I am a woman, so that does make more sense. 1031 00:46:57.481 --> 00:46:59.525 Take all the time you need, Sarah. 1032 00:46:59.608 --> 00:47:02.194 [in distorted voice] Never running out of news down here. 1033 00:47:06.240 --> 00:47:07.658 Great. Okay. 1034 00:47:08.408 --> 00:47:12.037 Well, I will just see you a little later. 1035 00:47:12.120 --> 00:47:14.748 -[upbeat music playing] -[sighs] 1036 00:47:16.041 --> 00:47:18.544 [Scooter singing] ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1037 00:47:19.586 --> 00:47:23.882 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1038 00:47:26.927 --> 00:47:29.346 [Satan and Scooter] ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1039 00:47:30.472 --> 00:47:34.601 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1040 00:47:35.394 --> 00:47:36.353 ♪ In hell ♪ 1041 00:47:37.771 --> 00:47:40.065 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1042 00:47:40.148 --> 00:47:41.233 [sighs] 1043 00:47:41.316 --> 00:47:45.571 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1044 00:47:46.363 --> 00:47:47.531 ♪ In hell ♪ 1045 00:47:59.376 --> 00:48:01.670 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1046 00:48:03.213 --> 00:48:07.926 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1047 00:48:08.010 --> 00:48:09.094 ♪ In hell ♪ 1048 00:48:10.387 --> 00:48:13.807 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1049 00:48:13.891 --> 00:48:18.770 -♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1050 00:48:18.854 --> 00:48:19.980 ♪ In hell ♪ 1051 00:48:20.981 --> 00:48:24.693 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1052 00:48:24.776 --> 00:48:28.780 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1053 00:48:29.781 --> 00:48:31.199 -♪ In hell ♪ -[woman yelling] 1054 00:48:42.836 --> 00:48:45.213 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1055 00:48:46.381 --> 00:48:50.385 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1056 00:48:51.386 --> 00:48:52.304 ♪ In hell ♪ 1057 00:48:53.472 --> 00:48:57.392 -♪ It's so nice ♪ -♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1058 00:48:57.476 --> 00:48:59.436 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1059 00:48:59.519 --> 00:49:02.230 ♪ Ooh, it's so nice ♪ 1060 00:49:04.441 --> 00:49:06.652 ♪ It's so nice ♪ 1061 00:49:08.111 --> 00:49:12.324 ♪ It's so nice to be in hell ♪ 1062 00:49:13.033 --> 00:49:14.451 ♪ In hell ♪ 1063 00:49:15.077 --> 00:49:18.288 [woman] I live in a very small cave and I love it. 1064 00:49:18.997 --> 00:49:20.582 I can have orgies every night. 1065 00:49:21.375 --> 00:49:24.628 You name it. Orgies, Doritos. 1066 00:49:25.337 --> 00:49:27.130 Maybe sometimes a Fanta. 1067 00:49:27.756 --> 00:49:28.799 It's so nice. 1068 00:49:29.424 --> 00:49:30.717 I'm not lying. 1069 00:49:31.510 --> 00:49:32.511 [chuckles] 1070 00:49:32.594 --> 00:49:34.638 Sometimes I lie a little bit, okay. 1071 00:49:34.721 --> 00:49:36.348 Take the candy, put it in your pocket. 1072 00:49:36.431 --> 00:49:39.226 And you think of me later, okay? Okay, I love you.