1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,955 So, economically, what we're talking about 4 00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,219 is trumped up, trickle-down economics. 5 00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:47,960 Do you understand that this does not work? 6 00:00:48,091 --> 00:00:50,354 Eh--Miss Pescatelli? 7 00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:51,877 Do you understand what I just said? 8 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,228 Are you listening? 9 00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:56,273 Are you chewing gum? 10 00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:00,060 Well, now that you're listening, 11 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,236 what did I just say? 12 00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,760 "Now that you're listening, what did I just say?" 13 00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:07,371 Oh, you think you're a comic, don't you? 14 00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,070 As a matter of fact I do. 15 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,551 I gotta go shoot a special right now. 16 00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:15,814 Oh, you think you're gonna go shoot a special here? 17 00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:18,513 Nobody ever from Perry's ever made it anywhere 18 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:21,994 except to the prison. That's where you're going. 19 00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:26,521 Big mistake. Huge. 20 00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,789 ♪ She's a funny lady 21 00:01:33,919 --> 00:01:35,312 Ladies and gentlemen, 22 00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:39,055 please welcome back Tammy Pescatelli. 23 00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,589 Awesome. 24 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,115 Aww. 25 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,293 Aww. 26 00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:04,472 Thank you. I do-- 27 00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,256 -Thank you. - Let's go, Rocky! 28 00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:09,129 Hey, I don't even know what to say anymore. 29 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,087 That was a lot. I don't think this many people 30 00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:12,349 liked me when I went to school here. 31 00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,701 So--Now, listen, I see a lot of young millennials in here... 32 00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:19,922 and I love you and I'm gonna talk to you 33 00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:21,880 'cause I love what you're gonna do. 34 00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:24,405 You guys are gonna change things 'cause you have hope. 35 00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:28,017 -We don't have hope... 36 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:31,238 -but we can write in cursive. 37 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:34,241 -Um, so, uh... 38 00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:40,595 You might need us to read The Declaration of Independence 39 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:44,338 -one day so you better be nice. 40 00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:47,515 Part of me coming back here is when no one believed that-- 41 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:51,040 no one believed in us. We weren't allowed to have hopes 42 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,434 and dreams. We weren't. 43 00:02:53,564 --> 00:02:55,827 Children were supposed to be-- Now listen to this, 44 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:59,091 -what? - Seen and not heard. 45 00:02:59,222 --> 00:03:02,182 You see how all the old people said that? 46 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:03,922 Because we've been dying to say something 47 00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:07,230 -in public since the '80s. 48 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,538 Seen and not heard. That meant as long as you 49 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,757 were present you were a good kid. 50 00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:15,717 Like a mute child was the perfect child 51 00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,502 for our parents back then. We weren't allowed to have-- 52 00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,112 We weren't friends with our parents. 53 00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,766 Millennials, you're friends with your parents. 54 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:23,594 I see some of you here tonight with your parents. 55 00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,684 That's--Wha--I don't even know my mother's first name. 56 00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:28,382 -I asked her once. 57 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:29,687 She was like, "None of your damn business. 58 00:03:29,818 --> 00:03:31,863 That's what it is." 59 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,169 'Cause, millennials, God bless you, 60 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:36,259 you're just not tough. I love ya, 61 00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,174 but I could take your whole generation out 62 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,829 with a jar of peanuts, all right? 63 00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,875 -'Cause... 64 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,100 -Uh, just not tough. 65 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,494 We weren't allowed to have feelings. 66 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:54,843 Uh, I remember once telling my father, 67 00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,236 I'm like, "I'm cold." 68 00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,934 He was like, "No, you're not." 69 00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:02,067 "Okay, I guess I'm not. I don't know." 70 00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:05,070 We would do things. Like, you would have nicknames 71 00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:09,379 based on your flaws. I have a brother "To-do To-doo." 72 00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:10,772 -Yeah, 'cause he used to play 73 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,470 with the toilet paper roll all the time. 74 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,559 You know, "To-do to-doo. 75 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,344 -To-do to-doo." 76 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:20,390 Do do. To-doo. To-to." 77 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:23,741 We only let him play with that 'cause he broke all our toys. 78 00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:26,004 He broke my Easy-Bake Oven. 79 00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,963 You know what that is, millennials? 80 00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:30,487 That's a little mini meth lab is what that is. 81 00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,230 Like, it would explode. 82 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:37,146 You'd get third-degree burns. 83 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,975 He broke our Stretch Armstrong. 84 00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:43,239 -That was indestructible! 85 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:47,156 They showed the commercial, two trucks pulling it apart. 86 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,072 That little To-do to-doo broke it! 87 00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:51,943 And you know what came out of it? 88 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:56,252 Ooze. Chernobyl--just...slime. 89 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:59,168 It was crazy. 90 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,301 We had horrible toys back then. 91 00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:03,172 My son solved the Rubik's Cube. 92 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,610 We had the Rubik's Cube, but I never solved it. 93 00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:09,047 -Not for real. 94 00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:12,616 I did peel the stickers off and tell everybody. 95 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,835 Sorry that I have to admit that now. 96 00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,619 Sorry. Just wanna... 97 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:19,014 That generation grew up-- You grew up with things to do. 98 00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,885 When you're in the car going somewhere, 99 00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:22,626 you're on your cell phones, your iPhones, 100 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:25,020 you're playing on the iPad, you're watching DVDs. 101 00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:27,501 We had nothing in the backseat of the car. 102 00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,198 Nothing. We used to make up games 103 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,505 specifically to hit each other. 104 00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:33,115 -Right? 105 00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:36,161 -If a Volkswagen Beetle... 106 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:42,559 passed your car and its headlight was out, 107 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,561 someone was getting knocked out. 108 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:48,739 That-- I mean, that was the rules. 109 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:51,263 To-do To-doo lost two teeth one summer... 110 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:53,309 -and my father yelled at him. 111 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,443 "You should've paid attention. You should've paid attention." 112 00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:03,232 Everything we did was about hitting each other. 113 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,148 Remember a game called Two For Flinching? 114 00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:09,064 See, if you were an only child, you missed out on this. 115 00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:12,067 -This is where your brother 116 00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:14,765 or sister or whatever your siblings were, 117 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:17,899 they all of a sudden developed ninja-like skills. 118 00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:21,642 They could hide on door jambs, right? 119 00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,339 They would--behind couches. 120 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,820 They would jump out of nowhere. 121 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:28,126 You'd just be walking along and all of a sudden 122 00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:31,869 they would jump out and throw a punch and stop. 123 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:36,178 Like, just little--just, like, millimeters from your face 124 00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:39,007 and if you flinched, they'd punch you 125 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:42,010 -two more times. 126 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,624 -Two for flinching. 127 00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,670 You're like nine years old walking around like 128 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,978 -you have Vietnam flashbacks. 129 00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:56,198 See, you young kids think you invented the twerk, 130 00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,330 -but we been--we been twerking 131 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,245 for a long time. 132 00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:03,771 We just call it twitch. 133 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:07,601 Now I have a 21-year-old, uh, nephew who-- 134 00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,298 who comes and stays with me and he came in 135 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,779 and he was all sweaty and he had a gym bag 136 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,737 and he put it on the counter. I go, "Uh... 137 00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,260 what--what's going on?" 138 00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:17,741 He said, "I joined a fight club." 139 00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,830 -"Well... 140 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,442 -you're gonna get kicked out... 141 00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,836 'cause you just broke the first rule." 142 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,883 -Uh, so... 143 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:35,063 By the way, not all jokes are for everybody. 144 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:38,196 Okay, I don't believe in that everybody's a winner stuff. 145 00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:41,417 You gotta work to be a winner, all right? 146 00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:45,465 So, one--you know, the kid joins the fight club 147 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:47,205 and I couldn't--I just couldn't 148 00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,859 wrap my brain around it, you know? 149 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,644 I thought about it for a long time and I said to him-- 150 00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:54,125 I go, "I don't understand why would youjoin a-- 151 00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:57,128 What? Did they have a Dungeons & Dragonstournament? 152 00:07:57,259 --> 00:08:00,131 Why would youjoin a fight club? And he said to me-- 153 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,785 Listen. Prepare yourself. 154 00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:06,181 He said, "I wanted to learn how to take a punch." 155 00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:10,402 I said, "Lean over the counter. 156 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,622 -Uh, I will knock you out 157 00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:14,363 for half the membership fee." 158 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:18,933 We had to be tough. People didn't care about us. 159 00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:23,241 They would forget us. If we went on vacation 160 00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:25,113 sometimes you'd hear those stories of a kid 161 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:30,422 being left at a rest area for like six hours. 162 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:32,773 Do the math. 163 00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:34,862 Old math. Not this new, stupid math. 164 00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:38,518 Do the math. The real, basic math. 165 00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:40,476 Six hours! That means the parents 166 00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:43,653 had to drive for three hours... 167 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,961 before they realized that little brat was not in the car. 168 00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,659 'Cause you didn't have to have a seatbelt. 169 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,183 I told you, 'cause nobody cared about us. 170 00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:54,055 You could lay in the back window. 171 00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:56,536 You could lay on the hump. No one cared. 172 00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,451 You could run along side. They thought it was funny. 173 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,584 -They did not care. 174 00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,674 You'd go to try-- try to put a seatbelt on 175 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,328 and your father'd go, "Oh, well, what do you think 176 00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:10,637 -I'm a bad driver?" 177 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,987 It's just different. We could do anything we want. 178 00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:16,251 Go anywhere. Be like, "I'm going outside." 179 00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,035 There were two places: Outside and inside. 180 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,907 Like, literally. Your parents knew 181 00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:22,431 that your friend's house was eight miles down the street... 182 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,566 across traffic. You had to ride your bicycle 183 00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,437 that the handlebars were way up here. 184 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,178 That's why we all have back problems 185 00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:32,528 'cause we had to-- You'd go across-- 186 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,965 four Dobermans would chase you. 187 00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,620 Dobermans, millennials, that was the meanest dog we had. 188 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,101 -We didn't have Pit Bulls. 189 00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,756 We invented that for you 'cause we can't hit you. 190 00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,366 -So... 191 00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:47,978 figure we can scare you into submission. 192 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:51,460 'Cause nobody hits you. We--We got hit by everybody. 193 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,418 -Everybody! 194 00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:55,551 You could get hit at school. 195 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,553 You could get paddled at school. 196 00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,990 You didn't get detention. The principal could paddle you. 197 00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,732 -Right, Mr. Casella? 198 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:06,649 Right? Different. 199 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,303 You'd go down to your friend's house. 200 00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,218 What was the big thing? What was it? 201 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,786 They didn't--They didn't have a cell phone on you, right? 202 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,788 Or a little longitude, latitude. What was their 203 00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,703 big protection scheme for us when we were kids? 204 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:19,923 "Take your little brother. Take your little brother." 205 00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,577 "Oh, so, what? The kidnapper wouldn't have 206 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:24,101 to come back twice? Is that why?" 207 00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:26,495 Why make him put miles on his van? 208 00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:31,718 It was a good time and different things. 209 00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:34,111 Like, you know, it was pure. 210 00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,026 As a kid we didn't have to-- 211 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,898 When you learned, you learned in school 212 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,551 and then you went home and you didn't have to learn 213 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:41,510 anything else, right? 214 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,468 We didn't have-- No one read to us 215 00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:45,514 -to teach us stuff. 216 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,472 Don't look at it. I see some of the parents 217 00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,910 around here. I know. My mother knows. She's here. 218 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,955 Nobody read to us. You guys handed us a book 219 00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:55,611 -with a record in it. 220 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,439 "Go to your room. The fairy will tell you 221 00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,442 -when to turn the page." 222 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,274 Just didn't wanna deal. 223 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,756 Cartoons didn't teach us anything. 224 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:13,063 My son watches, uh-- he knows how to speak Spanish 225 00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,544 from that Dora the Explorer, right? 226 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,415 Granted, all he can say is "Where's the map?" 227 00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:19,591 -But, whatever. 228 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:22,333 Uh, we might need to know where the map is one day. 229 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:25,946 I don't know. We didn't learn anything. 230 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,123 We had three hours of cartoons on a Saturday morning 231 00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:31,647 that you better not wake your parents up for... 232 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:35,216 'cause they had gotten drunk the night before. 233 00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:38,349 -'Cause they did back then. 234 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,439 Okay? Listen, now even some of you might get drunk tonight. 235 00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,398 You'll have to pretend you have the flu tomorrow. 236 00:11:43,528 --> 00:11:46,053 We knew they got drunk. We would tell people 237 00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:47,445 they were getting drunk. We'd be like-- 238 00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:48,882 It'd be Friday, we'd be at lunch going, 239 00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:50,666 "You should ask your mom if you can come over 240 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:53,277 'cause Dad is gonna get paid, they're gonna get drunk, 241 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:56,324 -and argue over who shot J.R." 242 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:02,460 I know. Saturday mornings were crazy. 243 00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:06,073 Crazy. That's--Those were the mornings, to, uh... 244 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:09,598 that other brothers and sisters were made. 245 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,997 I mean, I don't know for sure. 246 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:20,609 -My one brother does... 247 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,655 -'cause he walked in. 248 00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:27,485 Now, I don't know what he saw, 249 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,444 but I can tell you what I heard. 250 00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,709 He went to rat on me. 251 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,451 Uh, because in the old days, you remember there was only 252 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:40,063 one TV in the house, so it was a brawl 253 00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:42,631 to figure out who was gonna watch what they wanted to watch 254 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,415 when the parents weren't around. 255 00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:46,853 It was all-out, battle war 256 00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:51,205 and I don't wanna brag, but I'm a good crotch puncher. 257 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,207 -Um... 258 00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:56,514 I have a certain set of skills and, uh... 259 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,952 a knuckle to the nads is like a Taser 260 00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:01,519 -and I was always able 261 00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,044 to watch Shazaamor Isis when I wanted to. 262 00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:06,568 So he went to tell on me. 263 00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:09,353 And this is what I heard. I heard--I heard him 264 00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:11,268 pound on the door-- and he must've pounded so hard 265 00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,183 that the door opened, right? 266 00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:16,143 And, uh, I heard my mother go, 267 00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:18,406 -And then I heard my father go, 268 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,018 -"Get the hell outta here!" 269 00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,151 And then I heard my brother go, 270 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:27,154 "Get...off...my...mommy!" 271 00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:38,643 And then an hour later his eye went crooked. 272 00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:39,949 -Like it just-- 273 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,038 It was like, "I have seen enough. 274 00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,866 There's a..." 275 00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,955 That's my brother, "Cockeye." 276 00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,439 It's hard to have siblings. 277 00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:54,485 When you grow up and your family gets big. 278 00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:56,400 Why is it on the holidays we always have to go 279 00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:58,925 to the person house who--who, um, 280 00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:00,796 does the best? Why can't we go to the one 281 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,450 -who does the worst? 282 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,800 Why can't we go to To-doo To-doo's house? 283 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,410 -Okay? 284 00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,935 His girlfriend has lawn chairs with duct tape. 285 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,893 Wouldn't matter if we messed those up. 286 00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,635 -I got a cousin who's a hoarder. 287 00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:16,029 We could all go to her house. 288 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,075 -She would never know. 289 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:24,385 If a tornado hit her house it would just put stuff away. 290 00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,822 -I mean, it's... 291 00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:29,607 Choppers would be flying over. 292 00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,696 "There's horrible and utter devastation 293 00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,873 except for this one house. It's immaculate." 294 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,571 -Family was different. 295 00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,617 Just being a kid you could do what you wanted, you know? 296 00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,750 It--It was a different time. 297 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,622 And, you know, you--you tried to--tried to stay in a group. 298 00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:47,277 That was a big thing. 'Cause God forbid you got lost. 299 00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:49,279 -No one looked for you. 300 00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:51,760 No one looked for you. There was no Amber Alert for us. 301 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,415 I didn't even know a broad named Amber 302 00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:58,114 until I was 21 and went to Vegas. 303 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,552 I picked up one of those hooker trading cards 304 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,772 off the ground. I'm like... 305 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,382 "No wonder they're letting everybody know 306 00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:07,602 -she's coming to town. 307 00:15:07,732 --> 00:15:11,214 Uh, got it." 308 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,089 They didn't look for you when we were kids, did they? 309 00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:18,004 What'd they do? Huh? 310 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,440 They didn't do anything. They didn't-- 311 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:22,660 Psychics and search dogs walking the grid. 312 00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:24,488 They just took your school picture and put it 313 00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:27,230 -on a milk carton. 314 00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:30,059 And you better pray people had cereal for breakfast. 315 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,672 'Cause if they had bacon and eggs, you'd be lost forever. 316 00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:39,112 It was a tough generation. 317 00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:42,854 Even--Even the commercials were tou-- 318 00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:45,814 Like, do you remember-- you can go watch this on YouTube 319 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,295 somewhere, there was a commercial that 320 00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:51,689 these kids tried to feed their little brother 321 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,692 all the food that they didn't want to eat. 322 00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:56,694 Remember? "Feed it to Mikey. 323 00:15:56,825 --> 00:16:00,089 -He likes it." 324 00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:02,396 And they would force-feed this kid 325 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:03,875 all their food. 326 00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:06,139 Apparently, in the one commercial he liked it, 327 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,619 so they were happy, but what that means is 328 00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:11,796 they had fed him other stuff that he had thrown up 329 00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:14,103 -a whole bunch of times. 330 00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,497 And those kids became famous. 331 00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,238 Right? They-- There even was a rumor-- 332 00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:21,023 There's a rumor about Mikey from the commercial. 333 00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:23,112 That-- We had a rumor that 334 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,463 he had Pepsi and Pop Rocks... 335 00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:29,945 -and it killed him. 336 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:33,340 That's how jacked up our generation was 337 00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,691 that nobody spoke to us that we thought 338 00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:41,826 Pepsi and Pop Rocks would kill you. 339 00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,872 We had the weirdest thing. 340 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,614 There was "Just Say No." Right? 341 00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:48,398 That was a wonderful thing Nancy Reagan did. 342 00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:51,140 Then they had a commercial. Uh, "This is your brain." 343 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,925 And it was a frying pan, right? 344 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,971 And they would crack an egg on it. 345 00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,364 "This is your brain." And this is the frying pan, 346 00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:58,930 right? Okay? Look, this is-- 347 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,497 And they they'd crack the egg and it would fry 348 00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:02,195 and they would go, "This is your brain on drugs." 349 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,240 Like, it's all fried up. And then you're like, 350 00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:07,330 -"Oh, that looks good. 351 00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:11,204 Wait a second." God forbid that commercial 352 00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,075 came on and my father was sitting 353 00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,816 in the living room with us. "Don't worry about the egg, 354 00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:17,253 I'm just gonna hit you with the pan if you do drugs." 355 00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:20,430 Here's where we learned everything. 356 00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:23,912 -ABC Afterschool Special. 357 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,958 -'Cause you--Right? That was it. 358 00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,659 They're the ones who cared about us enough 359 00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:34,401 to talk to us about topics. 360 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:39,145 They'd talk to us about topics that are so controversial 361 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,972 that if you talk to your child about it tonight, 362 00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:45,412 they'd have an investigation started on you on Monday. 363 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:48,676 Stuff that literally-- And they would trick us! 364 00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,982 For you who don't know, millennials, 365 00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:52,680 they would trick us. They would take the popular 366 00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:55,509 child actors of the day and then put them 367 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:58,686 in the afterschool special in these horrible situations. 368 00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:02,603 Like, Jodie Foster was playing baseball 369 00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,561 in a Disney film on the weekend 370 00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:08,043 and she was a heroin addict on Wednesday afternoon 371 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,089 -in the afterschool special. 372 00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,613 She was so bad of a heroin addict. 373 00:18:12,743 --> 00:18:16,486 She would go into room after school. 374 00:18:16,617 --> 00:18:20,142 She'd go upstairs into the back of her closet, 375 00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:23,580 she'd shoot up and all the '70s lava lamp 376 00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,887 weirdo things would come on. 377 00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,976 And she'd come out of the closet-- 378 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,979 -which I still find ironic... 379 00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:35,375 Um, that was another afterschool special. 380 00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:38,073 -I think starring Robbie Benson. 381 00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,858 -I'm not sure, um... 382 00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:45,211 -and her parents had moved. 383 00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:47,952 Moved! 384 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:52,043 It wasn't "Just Say No," it was "Your People Will Go." 385 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,741 -Right? 386 00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:56,526 That's why no one of our generation does heroin. 387 00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:59,616 'Cause we saw what the hell happened to Jodie Foster. 388 00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:04,795 That's why! 389 00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,324 I'll never forget this one. 390 00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:13,717 This one I'll ne-- This one, if you saw this, 391 00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,502 it changed your life. It changed mine. 392 00:19:15,632 --> 00:19:18,069 There were these kids that were playing on the playground. 393 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,897 Just playing. Swinging on swings. 394 00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:22,248 Sliding down slides. By themselves, by the way 395 00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,293 -'cause you could back then. 396 00:19:24,424 --> 00:19:25,729 Right? There are play dates now. 397 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:27,427 That's what they do with kids. 398 00:19:27,557 --> 00:19:29,690 That was a whole thing for me when I became a parent. 399 00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,518 I didn't know about that. My son was five. 400 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:34,085 He wanted to have a play date with this little boy, Justin. 401 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:38,133 Uh, but that meant I had to call Justin's mother 402 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:41,049 and coordinate their schedules 403 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,704 so they could pick boogers simultaneously. 404 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,100 Justin's mother was one of those "tiger mothers" 405 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,364 and she had him, uh, she was just, 406 00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:53,235 "Oh, Justin's not available on Tuesday 407 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,803 'cause that's when he has Chinese and cello." 408 00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,674 And I'm like, "You need to--" Yeah, what are we? 409 00:19:57,805 --> 00:20:00,721 -Negotiating trade deals? 410 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,594 I go, "You need to let Justin come over. 411 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:06,335 Let the neighbor kids beat the hell outta him 412 00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:07,728 'cause that's the life you're setting Justin 413 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,774 -up for over there." 414 00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:15,823 Finally Justin's mother found a date that was-- 415 00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:19,957 was open in his schedule 416 00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:22,264 and, uh, she came over 417 00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,353 and she walked in 418 00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,834 and she sat down on my couch... 419 00:20:26,964 --> 00:20:31,055 -and she stayed. 420 00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:32,927 Now, some of you don't understand 421 00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:36,191 -why that's even funny. 422 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:41,849 -But I did not invite her over. 423 00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:44,721 I invited her child over to play with my child 424 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,723 'cause I'm busy. I only have one kid. 425 00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:49,204 You're supposed to have two so they can play together. 426 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:52,163 Plus, in case one's an idiot, you have somewhere else to live 427 00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:54,557 -when you get old, okay? 428 00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:58,126 -That's... 429 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,433 It is what it is. Right? 430 00:21:00,563 --> 00:21:01,999 That's why a whole bunch of people moved to Florida 431 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,175 'cause they struck out completely. 432 00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:06,656 You think those gates are for their safety? 433 00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:10,530 No, it's to keep the dumb kids from coming to visit. 434 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,010 She stayed! 435 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,970 Now, listen, our parents would just drop us off. 436 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:18,059 Not even, really. You'd be like, uh, 437 00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,669 Thursday night you'd be like, "Ma, can I spend the night 438 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,323 at Suzie's house?" She's like, "Oh, yeah, 439 00:21:21,454 --> 00:21:24,108 I'll write you a bus pass. See you Saturday." 440 00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:26,415 -They didn't care. 441 00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:28,852 I'm busy. I don't-- millennials, I know you 442 00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:31,072 don't understand "busy" sometimes 'cause you're young 443 00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,204 and you--I'm saying all this with love. 444 00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:36,556 I'm trying to help you understand that sometimes 445 00:21:36,686 --> 00:21:39,515 time is the most precious commodity. 446 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,909 I don't have time to do a lot of stuff. 447 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:43,563 I don't have time. Like, that's how you 448 00:21:43,693 --> 00:21:45,652 get in trouble 'cause you have too much time. 449 00:21:45,782 --> 00:21:48,829 Your threesomes and all that weird sex stuff you do. 450 00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,093 Listen, I don't have time for that. 451 00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:54,269 If there was another woman in bed with my husband and I, 452 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,749 I'd be like, "You got this covered? 453 00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:58,578 -'Cause I got things to do." 454 00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:01,581 I'm busy. We're busy. 455 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,629 That's not a sex joke. That's a time management joke, 456 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,720 -by the way. 457 00:22:10,851 --> 00:22:14,245 -All I wanna do is sleep. 458 00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,944 Sometimes we sleep and have sex at the same time. 459 00:22:17,074 --> 00:22:19,076 -It's... 460 00:22:19,207 --> 00:22:21,949 My favorite position is awake. 461 00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,343 Uh, I don't even wanna get into that stuff. 462 00:22:24,473 --> 00:22:26,127 It is weird to talk about that stuff. 463 00:22:26,257 --> 00:22:29,522 Where is he? Is he looking? 464 00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:33,395 Look, the fact of the matter is is I-I... 465 00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:36,311 I'll never forget that afterschool special 466 00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,269 and, you guys-- There was one, these kids 467 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,575 are just playing on the playground. 468 00:22:39,706 --> 00:22:42,361 Enjoying themselves. Kid stuff! 469 00:22:42,491 --> 00:22:46,103 And this grown, '70s man walked on the playground. 470 00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:47,627 And they all walk like this 'cause they had 471 00:22:47,757 --> 00:22:51,195 bellbottoms on with heels 472 00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:53,546 and he had a camera around his neck. 473 00:22:53,676 --> 00:22:56,070 'Member before it was in your phone? 474 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,898 When it was two separate things? 475 00:23:00,204 --> 00:23:04,731 You actually had to have film and a flash? 476 00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:08,299 He was like, "Hey, kids... 477 00:23:08,430 --> 00:23:10,911 anyone wanna come over and take some pictures? 478 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:14,958 I've got ice cream." And it got weird. 479 00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:17,526 -Just like it did in this room 480 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:19,876 -right now. 481 00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:22,749 That is the appropriate response. 482 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,318 But, you see, in the afterschool special, 483 00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:30,583 someone had to fall prey to the problem 484 00:23:30,713 --> 00:23:34,064 so your little butt wouldn't do those things. 485 00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:38,504 So youcould learn the lesson vicariously through that child. 486 00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:41,028 And it was the '70s. 487 00:23:41,158 --> 00:23:43,770 They were not politically correct. 488 00:23:43,900 --> 00:23:46,294 It was usually always the chubby kid. 489 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,691 -I did not make the rules. 490 00:23:51,821 --> 00:23:53,867 I was seven. 491 00:23:53,997 --> 00:23:56,652 And, sure enough, the chubby kid raised his hand. 492 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,874 He was like, "I'll come with you." 493 00:24:01,004 --> 00:24:03,529 And they skipped off 494 00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:06,401 and it cut to commercial. 495 00:24:06,532 --> 00:24:08,577 And I will never forget sitting in the living room 496 00:24:08,708 --> 00:24:11,406 with my brothers thinking, "Huh. 497 00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:14,017 I don't think that boy was supposed to go with that man. 498 00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:25,420 That man is a stranger and you're not supposed 499 00:24:25,551 --> 00:24:26,943 to go with strangers." 500 00:24:27,074 --> 00:24:28,771 But To-doo To-doo's a chubby kid 501 00:24:28,902 --> 00:24:31,208 and he was like, "I wonder what kind of ice cream that man had." 502 00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:34,298 -So... 503 00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,389 I like having you guys here. 504 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,391 I like most people. 505 00:24:40,522 --> 00:24:43,482 -Um... 506 00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:48,574 Not a big fan of the Amish. Just so you know. 507 00:24:48,704 --> 00:24:50,967 -Uh, just being honest. 508 00:24:51,098 --> 00:24:52,534 They're not here. Don't worry. 509 00:24:54,667 --> 00:24:56,233 That would be weird if they were, right? 510 00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:58,409 Wouldn't that be weird? Like, "What up, Tammy?" 511 00:24:58,540 --> 00:24:59,976 And Jedadiah trying... 512 00:25:00,107 --> 00:25:01,630 They have a whole bunch of little Amish Ubers 513 00:25:01,761 --> 00:25:04,415 -hanging out. 514 00:25:04,546 --> 00:25:06,635 I have lots of reasons behind why 515 00:25:06,766 --> 00:25:09,246 if you really must know. 516 00:25:09,377 --> 00:25:10,900 Uh, first of all, uh... 517 00:25:11,031 --> 00:25:15,035 they show up at Walmart with smallpox and polio. 518 00:25:20,388 --> 00:25:22,695 We cured it a long time ago. 519 00:25:22,825 --> 00:25:24,610 I don't-- They didn't get the memo. 520 00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:27,351 They charge you four times as much for something 521 00:25:27,482 --> 00:25:29,397 that's Amish built 522 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:34,097 -and you see 'em at Home Depot. 523 00:25:34,228 --> 00:25:37,579 And I'll tell you another reason I don't like 'em. 524 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:41,583 I have a puppy. Sixteen weeks. 525 00:25:41,714 --> 00:25:43,629 Beautiful little golden retriever, okay? 526 00:25:43,759 --> 00:25:47,633 Beautiful dog. Now the last time I had a dog 527 00:25:47,763 --> 00:25:49,591 I was a little kid. 528 00:25:49,722 --> 00:25:53,508 I didn't understand that there are new rules for dogs now. 529 00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:57,164 Now if a dog goes to the bathroom, 530 00:25:57,294 --> 00:26:01,864 -you have to pick it up. 531 00:26:01,995 --> 00:26:05,476 Four or five times a day I got a bag. 532 00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,610 I'm--I'm walking around with a hot turd in a bag. 533 00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:13,267 This is my glamorous life over here. 534 00:26:13,397 --> 00:26:15,530 Hot turd in a bag. Hot turd-- 535 00:26:15,661 --> 00:26:17,227 It's like a country song. 536 00:26:17,358 --> 00:26:19,142 ♪ Hot turd in a bag, hot turd in a bag ♪ 537 00:26:19,273 --> 00:26:21,362 -♪ Hot turd in a bag 538 00:26:21,492 --> 00:26:23,712 I don't-- 539 00:26:23,843 --> 00:26:27,150 I'm driving to get here. 540 00:26:27,281 --> 00:26:29,718 Amish dude pulls in front of me. 541 00:26:29,849 --> 00:26:32,939 Horse craps all over the road. 542 00:26:35,071 --> 00:26:36,943 He doesn't even turn around and look at me! 543 00:26:40,076 --> 00:26:43,558 -And he doesn't pay taxes. 544 00:26:43,689 --> 00:26:45,473 By the way, you're not even supposed to be on the road. 545 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,388 You don't pay taxes for those. Is that--That's the kinda-- 546 00:26:47,518 --> 00:26:49,390 That's what happens, so... That's another thing. 547 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,959 You know you're old when you go, "Oh, they don't even pay taxes. 548 00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:58,399 -"Get off my property." 549 00:27:00,053 --> 00:27:02,795 This is what happened in my life is I have been 550 00:27:02,925 --> 00:27:05,841 all around the world and I will tell you one thing, 551 00:27:05,972 --> 00:27:08,104 if you can save yourself some time-- 552 00:27:08,235 --> 00:27:09,932 'cause, remember, time is precious, 553 00:27:10,063 --> 00:27:14,110 don't engage the crazy. 554 00:27:14,241 --> 00:27:15,808 Do you understand what I'm mean? 555 00:27:15,938 --> 00:27:19,072 Don't ask people their thought process. 556 00:27:19,202 --> 00:27:23,554 -Don't ever ask why... 557 00:27:23,685 --> 00:27:26,601 'cause you'll never understand how crazy people think 558 00:27:26,732 --> 00:27:28,168 'cause you're not crazy, right? 559 00:27:28,298 --> 00:27:31,475 Don't ask, "Why?" Like Nancy Kerrigan. 560 00:27:31,606 --> 00:27:34,653 - "Why?!" 561 00:27:34,783 --> 00:27:37,873 Millennials, Google Nancy Kerrigan. 562 00:27:45,489 --> 00:27:46,882 I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. 563 00:27:47,013 --> 00:27:48,884 I know you don't know who she is. 564 00:27:49,015 --> 00:27:51,147 That's why I wrote that joke. 565 00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:53,802 We didn't know who Abe Lincoln was, but we figured it out. 566 00:27:53,933 --> 00:27:55,586 -All right? 567 00:27:55,717 --> 00:27:59,199 And we had to go to the library and get an encyclopedia. 568 00:27:59,329 --> 00:28:02,289 -Google "encyclopedia." 569 00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,555 It's a different time. 570 00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,601 Don't ask "why." It will never-- 571 00:28:10,732 --> 00:28:12,734 It'll make you crazy and then your brain doesn't-- 572 00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:14,867 Like, if you walk into someone's house 573 00:28:14,997 --> 00:28:17,217 and they have more than two Chia Pets, 574 00:28:17,347 --> 00:28:19,219 turn around and walk right back out. 575 00:28:21,264 --> 00:28:24,877 You're never gonna understand that. 576 00:28:25,007 --> 00:28:27,749 If you have those little stickers of your whole, 577 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:29,925 entire family on your back window, 578 00:28:30,056 --> 00:28:32,667 punch yourself repeatedly in the head. 579 00:28:32,798 --> 00:28:35,539 -Okay? 580 00:28:35,670 --> 00:28:38,760 It's unnecessary. 581 00:28:38,891 --> 00:28:40,849 Stop. 582 00:28:40,980 --> 00:28:43,765 All you're doing is showing the weirdos, "Follow me home. 583 00:28:43,896 --> 00:28:45,811 -I got kids there. Come on. 584 00:28:45,941 --> 00:28:48,509 Get your camera. Bring your ice cream." 585 00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,731 Think about things. 586 00:28:55,211 --> 00:28:57,431 Why do you make it hard on yourself? 587 00:28:57,561 --> 00:28:59,955 Don't do--And I-- Listen, I get it. 588 00:29:00,086 --> 00:29:01,696 I do stupid stuff. 589 00:29:01,827 --> 00:29:03,219 I was on the plane the other day. 590 00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:05,831 I was getting on a plane and I engaged crazy. 591 00:29:05,961 --> 00:29:08,529 I didn't mean to. I just wasn't thinking. 592 00:29:08,659 --> 00:29:11,271 I saw a lady. She was by herself 593 00:29:11,401 --> 00:29:12,446 and she was in front of me. 594 00:29:12,576 --> 00:29:14,013 She was running down the jetway. 595 00:29:14,143 --> 00:29:15,536 Okay, and I did not see her face, 596 00:29:15,666 --> 00:29:17,016 but she had a double stroller. 597 00:29:17,146 --> 00:29:19,366 And I thought, "I'm gonna help her." 598 00:29:19,496 --> 00:29:21,542 Because not only is she by herself with two kids, 599 00:29:21,672 --> 00:29:23,022 but I don't know if you've folded a stroller 600 00:29:23,152 --> 00:29:24,806 in the past decade, 601 00:29:24,937 --> 00:29:27,156 but you need an engineering degree, okay? 602 00:29:27,287 --> 00:29:29,028 It's like origami or something. 603 00:29:29,158 --> 00:29:31,813 So I ran up and I'm like, "Hey, ma'am, um... 604 00:29:31,944 --> 00:29:34,773 can I--" And just as I said that 605 00:29:34,903 --> 00:29:37,558 I looked down... two dogs. 606 00:29:37,688 --> 00:29:40,909 -Okay, listen, 607 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,129 I've already explained to you I got a dog. I love animals. 608 00:29:43,259 --> 00:29:45,392 I just wasn't prepared to see 'em in a ride. 609 00:29:45,522 --> 00:29:48,438 -Okay? Take it down a notch. 610 00:29:51,224 --> 00:29:55,576 I engaged the crazy... as politely as possible, 611 00:29:55,706 --> 00:29:58,840 though, now, because... Listen, I'm an expert at it. 612 00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:02,235 Um, I was like, "Uh... 613 00:30:02,365 --> 00:30:05,586 -what the hell is going on?" 614 00:30:05,716 --> 00:30:09,633 'Cause that's the best I have. You have to know who you are. 615 00:30:13,637 --> 00:30:17,554 She was like--She said, "Oh, that's my calming dog." 616 00:30:17,685 --> 00:30:21,602 Calming dog. That's a real thing. 617 00:30:21,732 --> 00:30:24,605 No, no, in all honesty that's a real thing. 618 00:30:24,735 --> 00:30:26,999 Some people need that. They have-- 619 00:30:27,129 --> 00:30:29,871 They have seizure disorder. They have PTSD. 620 00:30:30,002 --> 00:30:32,004 They have Two for Flinching flashbacks. 621 00:30:32,134 --> 00:30:33,570 -I don't know what it is. 622 00:30:33,701 --> 00:30:37,531 They need it. Okay. 623 00:30:37,661 --> 00:30:38,837 Now, I gotta be on a plane with you. 624 00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:41,883 -Whatever you need. 625 00:30:42,014 --> 00:30:45,844 But I'm the dummy 'cause I went back in 626 00:30:45,974 --> 00:30:48,542 and I was like... 627 00:30:48,672 --> 00:30:51,501 -"What about that dog?" 628 00:30:57,638 --> 00:31:01,642 -Oh, hold on. 629 00:31:01,772 --> 00:31:05,559 She said, "That's hiscalming dog." 630 00:31:12,566 --> 00:31:15,308 Do you know how crazy you have to be 631 00:31:15,438 --> 00:31:18,789 that your calming dog needs a calming dog? 632 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,618 That the dog whose sole purpose in life it is 633 00:31:21,749 --> 00:31:24,143 to take you down a notch goes, "This broad is crazy. 634 00:31:24,273 --> 00:31:27,711 -I need backup." 635 00:31:27,842 --> 00:31:30,976 You shouldn't be allowed to walk out amongst the rest of us. 636 00:31:35,110 --> 00:31:38,287 I laugh a lot. Uh, in--I don't come from 637 00:31:38,418 --> 00:31:41,290 a lot of laughter in my family. Like, my grandparents, 638 00:31:41,421 --> 00:31:43,553 they didn't laugh a lot. They were immigrant people. 639 00:31:43,684 --> 00:31:48,428 They--They were married, uh, gosh, I think like 54 years. 640 00:31:48,558 --> 00:31:50,996 -And they hated each other. 641 00:31:51,126 --> 00:31:53,085 It was a little game called Whoever Dies First 642 00:31:53,215 --> 00:31:55,130 The Other One Wins All the Good Stuff. 643 00:31:55,261 --> 00:31:57,306 -Uh, you think I'm kidding, 644 00:31:57,437 --> 00:31:59,569 but I didn't realize how much they hated each other 645 00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:00,831 till the day before I got married. 646 00:32:00,962 --> 00:32:02,877 My grandfather picked me up 647 00:32:03,008 --> 00:32:04,531 and we were gonna go to breakfast and he goes, 648 00:32:04,661 --> 00:32:06,098 uh, "Hey, Tam... 649 00:32:06,228 --> 00:32:09,579 today is the best day of you life." 650 00:32:09,710 --> 00:32:11,103 I said, "But, Papa, I get married tomorrow." 651 00:32:11,233 --> 00:32:13,148 He goes, "I know. Today... 652 00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:18,327 -is the best day." 653 00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:24,420 My grandmother, um-- Some of you saw my grandmother 654 00:32:24,551 --> 00:32:26,683 when--when I was younger. My grandmother looked just like 655 00:32:26,814 --> 00:32:30,513 an Italian movie star. Just like Danny DeVito. 656 00:32:30,644 --> 00:32:32,820 -Uh, but... 657 00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:35,866 shorter and hairier. If that's possible. 658 00:32:35,997 --> 00:32:39,348 Um, she was mean. 659 00:32:39,479 --> 00:32:41,220 If you showed up. Like, you were the-- 660 00:32:41,350 --> 00:32:42,961 you were the stranger coming to the house, 661 00:32:43,091 --> 00:32:44,701 the moment you walked through the door, she'd be like, 662 00:32:44,832 --> 00:32:46,616 "You hungry? I make a you something." 663 00:32:46,747 --> 00:32:48,792 With her apron just sitting on like she'd been wearing 664 00:32:48,923 --> 00:32:50,838 an apron her whole life. Right? 665 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:52,361 You say, "No, no, I'm good. Thank you." 666 00:32:52,492 --> 00:32:55,190 She goes, "Oh, come on. I make a you something." 667 00:32:55,321 --> 00:32:57,105 Say, "No, no, I'm good. Thank you." 668 00:32:57,236 --> 00:32:59,325 And then her eye would twitch just a little bit. 669 00:33:01,022 --> 00:33:02,719 She'd be like, "I make a you something." 670 00:33:02,850 --> 00:33:04,895 -Then somewhere in the back 671 00:33:05,026 --> 00:33:06,680 of your mind you remember, like, the Troll 672 00:33:06,810 --> 00:33:10,466 -and the Billy-Goatstory. 673 00:33:10,597 --> 00:33:13,469 So you'd find yourself sitting at the kitchen table 674 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,516 and within, like, four minutes a seven-course Italian meal 675 00:33:16,646 --> 00:33:18,518 would show up in front of you that someone 676 00:33:18,648 --> 00:33:22,739 on the Food Network would knock somebody out over, right? 677 00:33:22,870 --> 00:33:24,350 And you'd leave my house and you'd go, "Oh, my God. 678 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,482 your grandmother's so nice!" 679 00:33:26,613 --> 00:33:28,267 "Mm-hmm." And then I'd shut the door 680 00:33:28,397 --> 00:33:31,487 and then her head would spin around like The Exorcist. 681 00:33:31,618 --> 00:33:32,923 She'd go, "That sum of a bitch. 682 00:33:33,054 --> 00:33:35,100 Every time he come here he hungry." 683 00:33:43,586 --> 00:33:45,023 "You're a gargoyle. 684 00:33:45,153 --> 00:33:47,373 You should sit on the roof and scare owls away." 685 00:33:49,157 --> 00:33:50,724 Mean. 686 00:33:50,854 --> 00:33:55,120 You would think that would prepare me for a mother-in-law. 687 00:33:55,250 --> 00:33:57,905 Right? My grand-- Listen, I love my mother-in-law. 688 00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,821 I've talked about her in my specials before. 689 00:34:00,951 --> 00:34:03,563 Um, and I'm brave enough to talk about her now 690 00:34:03,693 --> 00:34:05,869 -'cause she's not here. 691 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,308 I-I--This is--Listen, you make your judgments. 692 00:34:09,438 --> 00:34:13,921 So, uh, the first Mother's Day when I had my son, 693 00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:16,271 my two sister-in-laws, on my husband's side, 694 00:34:16,402 --> 00:34:18,578 they had had two babies as well. 695 00:34:18,708 --> 00:34:21,450 We all had babies within a month apart. 696 00:34:21,581 --> 00:34:24,018 Three babies. Three months. First grandchildren. 697 00:34:24,149 --> 00:34:26,455 So excited for first Mother's Day 698 00:34:26,586 --> 00:34:28,544 and there's a message on my phone from her 699 00:34:28,675 --> 00:34:31,025 and I thought, "Wow, this is-- Finally we're bonding 700 00:34:31,156 --> 00:34:32,896 'cause we're both mothers and this is--" 701 00:34:33,027 --> 00:34:35,160 And it said--And she's right from Italy, too. 702 00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:37,118 She goes, uh, "Hello? 703 00:34:37,249 --> 00:34:39,251 This is your mother-in-law. 704 00:34:39,381 --> 00:34:41,775 You don't know 'cause you never call me. 705 00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:48,173 I just wanna say I don't give a shit 706 00:34:48,303 --> 00:34:50,523 who make-a the baby. 707 00:34:50,653 --> 00:34:54,701 I'ma the one that make-a the man that make-a the baby. 708 00:34:54,831 --> 00:34:58,400 Mother's Day about my house. 709 00:34:58,531 --> 00:35:00,750 I don't give a shit. 710 00:35:00,881 --> 00:35:02,622 God bless you." 711 00:35:08,236 --> 00:35:10,064 She didn't say "God bless you." I just wanted to make her 712 00:35:10,195 --> 00:35:13,894 -seem softer. 713 00:35:14,024 --> 00:35:16,418 But I love her son. 714 00:35:16,549 --> 00:35:18,681 You know, you find-- you find, uh-- 715 00:35:18,812 --> 00:35:20,161 -Aww, sweet. 716 00:35:20,292 --> 00:35:22,250 There's a baby here. That's awesome. 717 00:35:22,381 --> 00:35:24,992 -Aww... 718 00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:27,690 it's so nice. Do we--Is it 16 and Pregnant? 719 00:35:27,821 --> 00:35:29,518 Are we filming that at the same time? 720 00:35:29,649 --> 00:35:32,042 -By the way... 721 00:35:32,173 --> 00:35:33,696 can I tell you something? 722 00:35:33,827 --> 00:35:35,916 I know they told us not to get pregnant 723 00:35:36,046 --> 00:35:37,700 when you're in high school and stuff like that, right? 724 00:35:37,831 --> 00:35:39,224 They always said, "Don't do that." 725 00:35:39,354 --> 00:35:40,877 But now that I'm old with a kid I'm like, 726 00:35:41,008 --> 00:35:42,836 "That might not have been a bad idea." 727 00:35:45,099 --> 00:35:48,102 Uh, I would've missed prom. 728 00:35:48,233 --> 00:35:51,366 This is--This is hard to be in charge of a kid 729 00:35:51,497 --> 00:35:53,673 and my parents at the same time. 730 00:35:53,803 --> 00:35:58,112 -There's never a break. 731 00:35:58,243 --> 00:35:59,896 It's the same with the generation and you 732 00:36:00,027 --> 00:36:02,029 can't eat bread 'cause you weigh 5,000 pounds. 733 00:36:04,336 --> 00:36:07,034 I don't know. I'm always tired by the way. 734 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:09,341 There's never-- Kids, you wanna know why? 735 00:36:09,471 --> 00:36:10,820 Here's something else. 736 00:36:10,951 --> 00:36:12,082 Millennials, you wanna feel good about yourself? 737 00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:14,128 Our generation is always tired why? 738 00:36:14,259 --> 00:36:16,086 Not 'cause we wanna be old. It's 'cause we have to wake up 739 00:36:16,217 --> 00:36:18,393 and go to the bathroom 17 times a night. 740 00:36:20,265 --> 00:36:22,354 Eventually that goes away, though. 741 00:36:22,484 --> 00:36:24,878 'Cause you stop waking up. I can't wait for that. 742 00:36:25,008 --> 00:36:27,533 I'll just pee the bed. I don't care. 743 00:36:27,663 --> 00:36:29,578 Think I'm above it? 744 00:36:31,885 --> 00:36:34,104 Some people, you know, you-- you travel through life 745 00:36:34,235 --> 00:36:37,151 and your waters run parallel 746 00:36:37,282 --> 00:36:40,459 and you find your mate and then some of you, 747 00:36:40,589 --> 00:36:42,461 like me, you marry the hot kid from the slow class. 748 00:36:42,591 --> 00:36:44,332 -It doesn't matter. 749 00:36:44,463 --> 00:36:47,161 Uh, it doesn't matter. 750 00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:50,251 We don't have to be on the same reading comprehension level. 751 00:36:51,905 --> 00:36:53,776 What does he have to do? Just guard the perimeter. 752 00:36:53,907 --> 00:36:56,126 That's all I'm looking for at this point. 753 00:36:58,259 --> 00:37:01,306 Walk the wall every once in a while. 754 00:37:01,436 --> 00:37:03,656 I love my husband. I think one of the reasons 755 00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:06,659 I kinda got a little bit grumpier in my old age 756 00:37:06,789 --> 00:37:09,270 is because what they don't tell you about marriage... 757 00:37:09,401 --> 00:37:13,535 when one person snores, the other person 758 00:37:13,666 --> 00:37:15,885 loses all credibility 759 00:37:16,016 --> 00:37:18,584 because they no longer believe you. 760 00:37:18,714 --> 00:37:20,803 When you say, "You snore." 761 00:37:20,934 --> 00:37:23,371 Their response is, "No, I don't." 762 00:37:23,502 --> 00:37:26,156 -Oh, now I'm a liar? 763 00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:29,812 I have to prove it to you? I have to film you 764 00:37:29,943 --> 00:37:32,467 like I'm looking for a Yeti in the Andes? 765 00:37:36,297 --> 00:37:37,951 Ridiculous. 766 00:37:38,081 --> 00:37:40,780 Why would I make up that he snored? 767 00:37:40,910 --> 00:37:43,173 I'm in the business of words. 768 00:37:43,304 --> 00:37:46,438 I can make up something way more fantastical. 769 00:37:46,568 --> 00:37:48,788 Like, "You know what you do while you sleep? 770 00:37:48,918 --> 00:37:51,921 -You juggle. 771 00:37:52,052 --> 00:37:54,446 I know. It's the craziest thing. 772 00:37:54,576 --> 00:37:56,317 I woke up in the middle of the night, 773 00:37:56,448 --> 00:37:59,146 -pillows hitting the ceiling... 774 00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:02,149 -in a rhythmic formation." 775 00:38:04,586 --> 00:38:06,240 You know what I'd wish he'd do in his sleep? 776 00:38:06,371 --> 00:38:07,850 Mow the lawn. That's what I wish. 777 00:38:07,981 --> 00:38:10,200 -Oh, my God. 778 00:38:10,331 --> 00:38:11,854 I love my husband, but he's from Brooklyn 779 00:38:11,985 --> 00:38:15,336 -and he mows crop circles. 780 00:38:15,467 --> 00:38:17,338 Investigators are showing up in our yard all the time. 781 00:38:21,777 --> 00:38:24,693 Things happen, you know, when you get married. 782 00:38:24,824 --> 00:38:27,174 We just went through something and we stuck through it. 783 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:29,394 He got really sick and we had to have a... 784 00:38:29,524 --> 00:38:32,179 conversation I wasn't prepared to have. 785 00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:34,442 He said to me, "If something happens to me 786 00:38:34,573 --> 00:38:37,140 I want you to know it's okay with me 787 00:38:37,271 --> 00:38:39,012 if you get married again." 788 00:38:39,142 --> 00:38:41,710 And I was like... 789 00:38:41,841 --> 00:38:43,930 "I didn't even wanna get married this time. 790 00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:47,020 -Uh... 791 00:38:48,978 --> 00:38:52,199 what are the odds I get knocked up at 48 years old?" 792 00:38:54,244 --> 00:38:56,682 Forty-eight for all of you who are trying to figure it out. 793 00:38:58,988 --> 00:39:01,295 And then it, you know, and then I realized 794 00:39:01,426 --> 00:39:03,863 he was like, "Come on. Take it seriously." 795 00:39:05,430 --> 00:39:06,953 I knew what he wanted to hear. 796 00:39:07,083 --> 00:39:08,911 So, you gotta give that to your partner sometimes. 797 00:39:09,042 --> 00:39:11,261 So I said, "Uh, listen... 798 00:39:11,392 --> 00:39:13,263 no matter what happens... 799 00:39:13,394 --> 00:39:14,961 for as long as I walk this planet 800 00:39:15,091 --> 00:39:17,398 there will be one man who calls me his wife... 801 00:39:17,529 --> 00:39:18,747 and that's you." 802 00:39:18,878 --> 00:39:20,619 'Cause what am I supposed to say? 803 00:39:20,749 --> 00:39:22,447 "Oh, give me Mike's number in case you're in a coma"? 804 00:39:26,015 --> 00:39:28,714 You might be comatose so I don't know... 805 00:39:32,631 --> 00:39:34,284 "You will be my only husband." 806 00:39:34,415 --> 00:39:36,374 And you could tell he was relieved. 807 00:39:36,504 --> 00:39:38,637 But I will bang a lot of people. 808 00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:40,465 -Um... 809 00:39:40,595 --> 00:39:43,250 'Cause I didn't when I was a kid, okay? 810 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:45,731 Millennials, uh, you don't slut shame, 811 00:39:45,861 --> 00:39:48,821 -we slut shamed a lot. A lot. 812 00:39:48,951 --> 00:39:50,866 Not only were there afterschool specials about it, 813 00:39:50,997 --> 00:39:53,478 quite frankly, they could take your home number. 814 00:39:53,608 --> 00:39:55,393 You didn't even have to do anything wrong. 815 00:39:55,523 --> 00:39:59,048 Someone could get mad at you and put your home number 816 00:39:59,179 --> 00:40:02,051 in a boys bathroom and it would say, 817 00:40:02,182 --> 00:40:05,272 "For a good time call," right? 818 00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,361 And that didn't mean, "Oh, we'll sit around 819 00:40:07,492 --> 00:40:10,146 and we'll talk about books and stuff like that." 820 00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:13,149 And they would call your house. 821 00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:17,632 Not your Instagram account. Not your Facebook page. 822 00:40:17,763 --> 00:40:20,896 Not your cell phone. They would call your house 823 00:40:21,027 --> 00:40:23,159 where there was usually one phone and my grandmother 824 00:40:23,290 --> 00:40:25,771 answered the phone like it was her job. 825 00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:28,774 -Like she was the operator. 826 00:40:28,904 --> 00:40:32,691 And in her little, Italian mind she could never understand 827 00:40:32,821 --> 00:40:35,607 that a stranger would call us and we might not 828 00:40:35,737 --> 00:40:40,176 know who that person is. She never believed it. 829 00:40:40,307 --> 00:40:42,091 I remember this one time someone did that to me. 830 00:40:42,222 --> 00:40:44,616 I don't know what it was over and, uh, she was like, 831 00:40:44,746 --> 00:40:47,183 "This--This man he want-a talk to you." 832 00:40:47,314 --> 00:40:48,924 I go, "I don't know who that is." 833 00:40:49,055 --> 00:40:52,580 -"He say he know you." 834 00:40:52,711 --> 00:40:54,539 "Nona, I don't know who that--" 835 00:40:54,669 --> 00:40:57,585 -"He say you do a good job." 836 00:40:59,326 --> 00:41:01,720 I didn't say that. You said that in your head. 837 00:41:01,850 --> 00:41:03,852 -Not me. 838 00:41:07,203 --> 00:41:10,380 Don't you think everything has become sexualized? 839 00:41:10,511 --> 00:41:12,034 I think everything-- That's the other thing. 840 00:41:12,165 --> 00:41:13,775 Like, I think we did it to ourselves. 841 00:41:13,906 --> 00:41:15,777 You want to have equality... 842 00:41:15,908 --> 00:41:18,519 and I know you do, right? 843 00:41:18,650 --> 00:41:21,391 But you can't--You gotta stop sexualizing everything. 844 00:41:21,522 --> 00:41:25,395 You can't ask for equal wo-- equal pay for equal work 845 00:41:25,526 --> 00:41:27,789 and then read Fifty Shades of Grey. 846 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,400 -Come on, you know that! 847 00:41:30,531 --> 00:41:32,881 You can't do that kind of stuff. That's the difference. 848 00:41:33,012 --> 00:41:35,362 Because you wanna know why? Then you gotta have a safe word. 849 00:41:35,493 --> 00:41:37,756 What is that? I don't-- 850 00:41:37,886 --> 00:41:39,801 Wanna know what my safe word is? "Get the hell off of me." 851 00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:44,023 -How about that? 852 00:41:44,153 --> 00:41:46,808 You can't do that to yourself. 853 00:41:46,939 --> 00:41:49,942 But I think that that's a different story now, too, 854 00:41:50,072 --> 00:41:52,118 because safe word is now from those books! 855 00:41:52,248 --> 00:41:54,860 They are part of the vernacular now because we have 856 00:41:54,990 --> 00:41:58,037 now adopted a sexualized culture. 857 00:41:58,167 --> 00:42:01,040 That's where--where a safe word 'cause people are apparently 858 00:42:01,170 --> 00:42:05,044 getting their head banged against the headboard so hard 859 00:42:05,174 --> 00:42:08,874 that their skull splits and their brains come flying out. 860 00:42:10,571 --> 00:42:12,486 I said to my husband, "If you could do that, 861 00:42:12,617 --> 00:42:16,534 -why would I stop you?" 862 00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:20,102 -We're all gonna die. 863 00:42:20,233 --> 00:42:22,888 "What happened to Tammy?" "Well, she came and she went." 864 00:42:30,852 --> 00:42:33,115 That's why I told you, "Don't bring kids." 865 00:42:33,246 --> 00:42:35,335 I'm not dirty, but I'm a grown-up. 866 00:42:35,465 --> 00:42:37,424 Some things are for grown-ups. 867 00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:40,209 Some things--There's a different life now as a grown-up. 868 00:42:40,340 --> 00:42:42,168 You have to think about things a little bit more. 869 00:42:42,298 --> 00:42:46,868 When we were kids they didn't put ratings on movies, right? 870 00:42:46,999 --> 00:42:49,175 We didn't have any ratings. We went to see Jaws. 871 00:42:49,305 --> 00:42:50,524 Didn't know it was rated R 872 00:42:50,655 --> 00:42:52,091 'cause they didn't care about us. 873 00:42:53,745 --> 00:42:56,312 Jawswas a game changer, by the way. 874 00:42:56,443 --> 00:43:00,447 Jawsis why our whole generation... 875 00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:03,755 is fascinated with sharks. 876 00:43:03,885 --> 00:43:05,887 Because of Jaws. 877 00:43:06,018 --> 00:43:08,847 Because that was--I mean, like, I love Shark Week. 878 00:43:08,977 --> 00:43:11,153 Anything that has to do with it. And you have to watch 879 00:43:11,284 --> 00:43:14,374 what you say on social media now 'cause people's crazy comes out 880 00:43:14,504 --> 00:43:16,245 and there's a written record of it. 881 00:43:16,376 --> 00:43:19,858 And I wrote--I said, um-- 'cause there's this one beach 882 00:43:19,988 --> 00:43:23,644 that I watched on Shark Week, uh, for four years-- 883 00:43:23,775 --> 00:43:25,124 You know this? You're getting excited about it? 884 00:43:25,254 --> 00:43:27,692 For four years on the same day at the same time 885 00:43:27,822 --> 00:43:30,042 there's been a shark attack, okay? 886 00:43:30,172 --> 00:43:32,305 And I--Yeah, for real. That's true. 887 00:43:32,435 --> 00:43:34,307 I have super-human hearing. Don't test me. 888 00:43:34,437 --> 00:43:37,223 -I don't have a lot of skills. 889 00:43:37,353 --> 00:43:39,529 Uh, dick punching, super-human hearing, 890 00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:41,793 and I can tell the time within seven minutes. 891 00:43:41,923 --> 00:43:44,883 -It's a weird thing. 892 00:43:45,013 --> 00:43:48,277 That Shark Week thing, and I wrote on social media. 893 00:43:48,408 --> 00:43:53,195 I said, uh, "If you take someone to that beach on that day, 894 00:43:53,326 --> 00:43:55,589 there's someone in your family you wanna take out." 895 00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:58,418 -Right? Stupid, little joke. 896 00:43:58,548 --> 00:44:01,595 But I engaged someone's crazy and this lady lost her mind. 897 00:44:01,726 --> 00:44:03,162 And she goes, "Oh, you think that's funny? 898 00:44:03,292 --> 00:44:05,991 A murder is funny to you? A shark attack? 899 00:44:06,121 --> 00:44:07,819 What kind of person are you? You must be sick. 900 00:44:07,949 --> 00:44:09,342 There must be something wrong with you. 901 00:44:09,472 --> 00:44:10,691 What would you do? 902 00:44:10,822 --> 00:44:12,562 What if it was someone in your family?" 903 00:44:12,693 --> 00:44:15,130 And finally I wrote her back. I was like, "Specifically who?" 904 00:44:15,261 --> 00:44:17,089 -Uh... 905 00:44:17,219 --> 00:44:19,004 'Cause you have to know that if you engage 906 00:44:19,134 --> 00:44:20,570 someone's crazy you better make sure 907 00:44:20,701 --> 00:44:23,182 that your crazy outweighs their crazy. 908 00:44:23,312 --> 00:44:25,924 -'Cause I come from a long line. 909 00:44:26,054 --> 00:44:27,882 It's generational crazy. 910 00:44:28,013 --> 00:44:30,406 In my house if someone was attacked by a shark 911 00:44:30,537 --> 00:44:33,192 and they survived, they'd be pissed that the shark 912 00:44:33,322 --> 00:44:35,324 -didn't finish the job. 913 00:44:35,455 --> 00:44:38,719 'Cause the first time they showed up for the holidays 914 00:44:38,850 --> 00:44:40,852 after the shark attack, the whole family 915 00:44:40,982 --> 00:44:43,898 would just be like 916 00:44:46,205 --> 00:44:48,033 To-doo To-doo. ♪ Du nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu 917 00:45:00,741 --> 00:45:02,612 "Look, it's Uncle We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat." 918 00:45:02,743 --> 00:45:05,790 You know, it's a... different time. 919 00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,793 We would go see-- We would go see movies. 920 00:45:08,923 --> 00:45:10,490 We went to see movies that-- how did we go? 921 00:45:10,620 --> 00:45:13,232 We didn't go to cinemas really. Went to the drive-in. 922 00:45:13,362 --> 00:45:15,147 You remember the drive-in? 923 00:45:15,277 --> 00:45:17,584 The drive-in. Public place to see a movie 924 00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,065 that your whole family would go and your parents would tell you, 925 00:45:20,195 --> 00:45:22,589 "We're going to the drive-in, go put your pajamas on." 926 00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:26,898 -To go in public. 927 00:45:27,028 --> 00:45:28,726 They would tell you to put your pajamas on 928 00:45:28,856 --> 00:45:32,642 in case you fell asleep in the car 929 00:45:32,773 --> 00:45:36,255 so you'd be comfortable when they left you in the car. 930 00:45:38,344 --> 00:45:41,521 You woke up in the driveway at two o'clock in the morning 931 00:45:41,651 --> 00:45:44,524 scared to death to get in or out of the-- 932 00:45:44,654 --> 00:45:48,093 -You didn't know what to do. 933 00:45:48,223 --> 00:45:51,226 You can't leave a kid in a car now. 934 00:45:51,357 --> 00:45:52,793 You can't leave a dog-- 935 00:45:52,924 --> 00:45:54,447 You can't leave a head of lettuce in the car. 936 00:45:56,449 --> 00:45:59,104 Someone will call somebody. 937 00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:06,328 Uh, my cousin's husband left his phone in the car. 938 00:46:06,459 --> 00:46:08,983 Speaking of leaving stuff in the car and, uh, 939 00:46:09,114 --> 00:46:12,465 she went through it 'cause sometimes that's what people do. 940 00:46:14,075 --> 00:46:17,165 And, uh, she found he had been sending... 941 00:46:17,296 --> 00:46:20,429 some pictures of his private area 942 00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:22,649 to girls that he works with. 943 00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:25,695 It's horrible, right? I know. I know. 944 00:46:25,826 --> 00:46:27,959 But can I just say this? 945 00:46:28,089 --> 00:46:30,439 I think, men, we set you up for failure... 946 00:46:30,570 --> 00:46:32,311 -because we've given you 947 00:46:32,441 --> 00:46:35,488 the technology while you still have your penis. 948 00:46:37,751 --> 00:46:39,971 You're gonna do something with it. 949 00:46:40,101 --> 00:46:43,061 That's ju--I mean, I'm sure there's an Amish dude 950 00:46:43,191 --> 00:46:45,672 right now tracing it on a piece of parchment. 951 00:46:47,761 --> 00:46:51,069 Uh, he's got the candle behind him 952 00:46:51,199 --> 00:46:54,072 getting the proper glow. 953 00:46:54,202 --> 00:46:57,292 He's gotta dip the quill in the inkwell. 954 00:46:57,423 --> 00:46:59,817 Then he's really gotta commit. He rolls it up like a scroll 955 00:46:59,947 --> 00:47:02,515 and trots it over to his girl's house. 956 00:47:04,343 --> 00:47:07,737 He knocks on the door. "Herest thou goeth, Rebecca." 957 00:47:07,868 --> 00:47:10,218 -And Rebecca unrolls it 958 00:47:10,349 --> 00:47:12,612 and her bonnet flies off and she can't churn butter 959 00:47:12,742 --> 00:47:15,920 correctly for a week. 960 00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:18,400 I told my husband, "Don't ever do that." 961 00:47:18,531 --> 00:47:21,186 -No class or dignity with that. 962 00:47:21,316 --> 00:47:23,014 I don't need a picture of your penis. 963 00:47:23,144 --> 00:47:25,538 -I own it. 964 00:47:25,668 --> 00:47:27,148 No one sends me a picture of my house 965 00:47:27,279 --> 00:47:30,108 -when I'm out of town. 966 00:47:30,238 --> 00:47:33,851 Somehow, miraculously, I end up in the same place. 967 00:47:33,981 --> 00:47:36,549 Plus, I got a kid and my parents come over a lot 968 00:47:36,679 --> 00:47:38,768 and an Apple TV and an iPhone, right? 969 00:47:38,899 --> 00:47:40,161 So, then you know what happens. 970 00:47:40,292 --> 00:47:42,250 When your television's on a lull 971 00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:46,385 whatever's in your phone shows up on your TV. 972 00:47:46,515 --> 00:47:48,648 -I don't have to explain that. 973 00:47:48,778 --> 00:47:52,043 -"Uh... 974 00:47:52,173 --> 00:47:55,873 yeah, that's just a weird rock formation in Sedona. 975 00:47:56,003 --> 00:47:58,179 That's why I took the picture." 976 00:47:58,310 --> 00:48:01,574 -It was different. 977 00:48:01,704 --> 00:48:03,054 Just different when we were kids. 978 00:48:03,184 --> 00:48:04,794 We didn't have to worry about that stuff. 979 00:48:04,925 --> 00:48:07,014 All we did was we, you know, we went with our family. 980 00:48:07,145 --> 00:48:08,842 We went back to the drive-in 981 00:48:08,973 --> 00:48:10,626 that's where we were in our pajamas. 982 00:48:10,757 --> 00:48:12,672 You'd go play on a playground up front 983 00:48:12,802 --> 00:48:15,153 unless you'd seen that afterschool special. 984 00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:19,461 Then you'd stay in the car with your parents. 985 00:48:19,592 --> 00:48:22,073 They had one speaker for the car. 986 00:48:22,203 --> 00:48:24,205 For the whole car. One speaker... 987 00:48:24,336 --> 00:48:28,253 that went by your father. He was deaf anyway. 988 00:48:29,994 --> 00:48:31,560 Halfway through the movie, he'd get mad. 989 00:48:31,691 --> 00:48:33,432 "Put it away. This stupid thing!" 990 00:48:33,562 --> 00:48:35,216 And you're like, "Daddy, I can't hear." 991 00:48:35,347 --> 00:48:37,479 -"Yes, you can!" 992 00:48:37,610 --> 00:48:39,438 "No, I cannot." 993 00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:42,267 "Go play on that playground." 994 00:48:42,397 --> 00:48:45,923 Which was fun 'cause it was all kids 995 00:48:46,053 --> 00:48:48,795 then the movie would start. How would it start? 996 00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:51,102 How would you know? It got dark, right? 997 00:48:51,232 --> 00:48:53,626 You'd have to try to find your car. 998 00:48:55,845 --> 00:48:58,500 But it's dark. Even if the lights were on, 999 00:48:58,631 --> 00:49:02,113 you were only three-foot high. The headlights burned 1000 00:49:02,243 --> 00:49:03,679 -your retinas out. 1001 00:49:03,810 --> 00:49:05,203 That's why no one in my generation 1002 00:49:05,333 --> 00:49:07,466 can see anything anymore. 1003 00:49:07,596 --> 00:49:11,209 You'd be wandering. "Mommy! 1004 00:49:11,339 --> 00:49:14,299 Mom!" 1005 00:49:14,429 --> 00:49:17,128 And 100 women would lean out the window. 1006 00:49:17,258 --> 00:49:20,174 -"Over here!" 1007 00:49:20,305 --> 00:49:22,655 You couldn't differentiate your mother's voice. 1008 00:49:22,785 --> 00:49:24,352 And they didn't get out of the car 'cause they didn't care. 1009 00:49:24,483 --> 00:49:26,833 You were wandering around like little, mini Moses' 1010 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:29,618 -the whole movie. 1011 00:49:29,749 --> 00:49:31,925 Jawsmade me-- Here's what I want you to know. 1012 00:49:32,056 --> 00:49:34,884 Take this. If you have learned anything 1013 00:49:35,015 --> 00:49:38,062 from me, then you're beyond a genius, 1014 00:49:38,192 --> 00:49:40,760 but, uh--'cause I wasn't really teaching you anything. 1015 00:49:40,890 --> 00:49:42,936 But here's what I would say. 1016 00:49:43,067 --> 00:49:46,418 This is one thing. I know who I am. 1017 00:49:46,548 --> 00:49:47,985 I know who I am. 1018 00:49:48,115 --> 00:49:50,683 Like, that's why nothing can shake me. 1019 00:49:50,813 --> 00:49:52,815 You can call me anything in the world. 1020 00:49:52,946 --> 00:49:55,557 I have to believe you, okay? 1021 00:49:55,688 --> 00:49:57,907 That's why bullying doesn't work on people 1022 00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:00,606 who are strong in who they are. Know who you are. 1023 00:50:00,736 --> 00:50:03,000 Figure it out. Like, I want you to laugh. 1024 00:50:03,130 --> 00:50:05,915 I want you to enjoy it, but you don't have to. 1025 00:50:06,046 --> 00:50:07,656 You only need a certain number of friends. 1026 00:50:07,787 --> 00:50:10,920 You need like-- You need a 3:00 a.m. friend. 1027 00:50:11,051 --> 00:50:13,401 Someone who you can call at three o'clock in the morning 1028 00:50:13,532 --> 00:50:15,229 and they'll show up with a shovel and bail money 1029 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,623 -no questions asked. 1030 00:50:17,753 --> 00:50:19,059 And you need yourself. 1031 00:50:19,190 --> 00:50:20,800 You need to like yourself enough. 1032 00:50:20,930 --> 00:50:23,672 And I learned everything I needed to know 1033 00:50:23,803 --> 00:50:27,067 when I was four years old and we went to see Jaws. 1034 00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:29,939 Jawsis what made me tough 'cause I'll never forget. 1035 00:50:30,070 --> 00:50:31,550 What happens in that first scene? What happens? 1036 00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:34,248 Does anyone remember? Bueller? 1037 00:50:36,903 --> 00:50:38,992 What happens that first scene? 1038 00:50:39,123 --> 00:50:41,473 The woman takes off her clothes... 1039 00:50:41,603 --> 00:50:43,127 jumps in the water... 1040 00:50:43,257 --> 00:50:45,607 gets eaten by the shark. 1041 00:50:45,738 --> 00:50:50,308 -Spoiler alert, by the way. 1042 00:50:50,438 --> 00:50:52,919 Welcome from your coma if you haven't seen it. 1043 00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:56,966 Or you're Amish and you're here. 1044 00:50:59,708 --> 00:51:01,362 What happens in that first scene? 1045 00:51:01,493 --> 00:51:03,060 She gets eaten and then the-- then just the hand. 1046 00:51:03,190 --> 00:51:06,846 Remember that? The severed hand on the beach. 1047 00:51:06,976 --> 00:51:08,848 You know that that's the most powerful 1048 00:51:08,978 --> 00:51:10,328 scene in the history of film right there? 1049 00:51:10,458 --> 00:51:12,591 Do you know that? They voted on it. 1050 00:51:12,721 --> 00:51:14,810 With the crab crawling up it 1051 00:51:14,941 --> 00:51:16,943 and seaweed wrapped around the red fingernail. 1052 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:18,423 You remember that? 1053 00:51:18,553 --> 00:51:20,599 Makes you feel some kinda way right now. 1054 00:51:22,296 --> 00:51:25,386 -I was four. 1055 00:51:25,517 --> 00:51:27,562 My brain couldn't comprehend that 1056 00:51:27,693 --> 00:51:30,565 and breathe at the same time. 1057 00:51:30,696 --> 00:51:32,828 I was like, . 1058 00:51:32,959 --> 00:51:35,918 I was in feet pajamas for God's sake, people. 1059 00:51:36,049 --> 00:51:38,312 -Okay? 1060 00:51:38,443 --> 00:51:40,227 And that's when I became who you see 1061 00:51:40,358 --> 00:51:43,361 'cause my mother reached into that fear and she said the words 1062 00:51:43,491 --> 00:51:45,841 that would change my life. She held me and she said, 1063 00:51:45,972 --> 00:51:48,975 "That's what happens when you swim naked with boys." 1064 00:51:50,803 --> 00:51:53,066 I'm Tammy Pescatelli. Thank you so much! 1065 00:51:53,197 --> 00:51:55,068 Good night. God bless you all. 1066 00:51:55,199 --> 00:51:57,070 Good night. Thank you very much. 1067 00:51:57,201 --> 00:52:00,160 I appreciate it. Aww. 1068 00:52:00,291 --> 00:52:03,816 -You guys. 1069 00:52:03,946 --> 00:52:06,297 Thank you. 1070 00:52:06,427 --> 00:52:08,647 Thank you so much. 1071 00:52:08,777 --> 00:52:10,257 Thank you. 1072 00:52:10,388 --> 00:52:12,346 Bye, you guys. 1073 00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:15,871 Thank you. 1074 00:52:18,396 --> 00:52:21,877 ♪ She's a funny lady 1075 00:52:22,008 --> 00:52:25,011 ♪ Who can make you laugh 1076 00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:26,926 ♪ Bring a smile to your lips 1077 00:52:27,056 --> 00:52:29,058 ♪ A thrill to your heart 1078 00:52:29,189 --> 00:52:31,583 ♪ And make it last 1079 00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:34,716 ♪ She's a lucky lady 1080 00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:37,502 ♪ Always goes first class 1081 00:52:37,632 --> 00:52:40,069 ♪ She's a funny lady 1082 00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:42,898 ♪ Who makes you laugh 1083 00:52:44,726 --> 00:52:47,773 ♪ She'll take away your sorrows ♪ 1084 00:52:47,903 --> 00:52:50,689 ♪ Melt away your fears 1085 00:52:50,819 --> 00:52:54,040 ♪ You'll laugh until tomorrow 1086 00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:57,130 ♪ Turn your tears to cheers ♪ 1087 00:52:57,261 --> 00:53:00,220 ♪ She's a funny lady 1088 00:53:00,351 --> 00:53:03,310 ♪ Says, "It is what it is" 1089 00:53:03,441 --> 00:53:05,617 ♪ She's adonna desiderata ♪ 1090 00:53:05,747 --> 00:53:08,663 ♪ Who makes you laugh 1091 00:53:35,386 --> 00:53:39,041 ♪ She's got a favorite saying 1092 00:53:39,172 --> 00:53:42,088 ♪ Shares them old and new 1093 00:53:42,219 --> 00:53:45,134 ♪ News from abroad is her message ♪ 1094 00:53:45,265 --> 00:53:48,225 ♪ What the hell is wrong with you? ♪ 1095 00:53:48,355 --> 00:53:51,097 ♪ She's a funny lady 1096 00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:54,535 ♪ She's a classy lad 1097 00:53:54,666 --> 00:53:56,972 ♪ She's that funny lady 1098 00:53:57,103 --> 00:54:01,063 ♪ Who makes you laugh 1099 00:54:01,194 --> 00:54:03,501 ♪ She's a funny lady 1100 00:54:03,631 --> 00:54:07,200 ♪ Who makes you laugh 1101 00:54:13,293 --> 00:54:15,948 I... 1102 00:54:16,078 --> 00:54:18,211 Buddy, I just wanted you to see 1103 00:54:18,342 --> 00:54:21,736 what happens when you believe in your dreams. 1104 00:54:27,873 --> 00:54:30,789 Go back to Daddy. Go back to Daddy. 1105 00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:46,370 And then I just-- There's so many people 1106 00:54:46,500 --> 00:54:49,677 that were a huge part of this for me. 1107 00:54:49,808 --> 00:54:52,463 Of course, my husband, Big Luca. 1108 00:54:52,593 --> 00:54:54,421 Look, I didn't realize how I dressed them the same. 1109 00:54:54,552 --> 00:54:55,814 Isn't that funny how you do that? 1110 00:54:58,251 --> 00:55:01,733 I named my son after my husband to prepare for Alzheimer's. 1111 00:55:01,863 --> 00:55:03,909 -Hi, guys. 1112 00:55:04,039 --> 00:55:06,738 -Okay. No butt shots, though. 1113 00:55:06,868 --> 00:55:08,522 -Come up front. I'm too old. 1114 00:55:08,653 --> 00:55:12,004 You should've caught me in my 20s. 1115 00:55:12,134 --> 00:55:14,702 Because what I had said in 10th grade 1116 00:55:14,833 --> 00:55:17,662 to the Guidance Councilor was I wanted to be an actress. 1117 00:55:17,792 --> 00:55:21,666 And she told me "You're from here. 1118 00:55:23,929 --> 00:55:26,061 If you wanna be on TV, 1119 00:55:26,192 --> 00:55:28,237 you're probably gonna have to rob a bank." 1120 00:55:29,935 --> 00:55:33,373 Which probably would've been a smart idea. 1121 00:55:33,504 --> 00:55:37,290 Although, she was wrong. People have been on TV 1122 00:55:37,421 --> 00:55:40,380 because, uh, years ago there was a show 1123 00:55:40,511 --> 00:55:44,515 called Real People and they came to Perry 1124 00:55:44,645 --> 00:55:46,604 and they filmed because-- Chief, I don't know 1125 00:55:46,734 --> 00:55:48,301 if it's still around anymore, but they-- 1126 00:55:48,432 --> 00:55:51,609 we used to have a cop dummy. 1127 00:55:53,219 --> 00:55:56,657 I'm not calling a police officer a du-- 1128 00:55:56,788 --> 00:55:58,180 I'm saying there was a real dummy. 1129 00:55:58,311 --> 00:56:00,618 -Like a mannequin... 1130 00:56:00,748 --> 00:56:03,882 because we only had two or three police officers 1131 00:56:04,012 --> 00:56:07,364 that they used to have to dress up in a uniform 1132 00:56:07,494 --> 00:56:10,192 and park by the library. That's the only place 1133 00:56:10,323 --> 00:56:13,152 -they parked that car. 1134 00:56:13,282 --> 00:56:15,807 I don't know why they thought that the dummy couldn't drive 1135 00:56:15,937 --> 00:56:18,853 -somewhere else. 1136 00:56:22,683 --> 00:56:24,642 And they came and showed the whole town. 1137 00:56:24,772 --> 00:56:28,254 Which we were proud and not at the same time. 1138 00:56:33,651 --> 00:56:36,088 So, I gotta let that go. 1139 00:56:36,218 --> 00:56:40,788 Uh, but... I am more than honored 1140 00:56:40,919 --> 00:56:44,575 and more than blessed to have the love and support 1141 00:56:44,705 --> 00:56:46,881 of you guys. Thank you all because 1142 00:56:47,012 --> 00:56:50,450 then after we said we were doing it, 1143 00:56:50,581 --> 00:56:54,541 -you showed up. 1144 00:56:54,672 --> 00:56:56,543 Yeah.