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So, economically,
what we're talking about

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00:00:43.086 --> 00:00:45.219
is trumped up,
trickle-down economics.

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Do you understand
that this does not work?

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Eh--Miss Pescatelli?

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Do you understand
what I just said?

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Are you listening?

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Are you chewing gum?

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Well,
now that you're listening,

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what did I just say?

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"Now that you're listening,
what did I just say?"

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Oh, you think you're a comic,
don't you?

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As a matter of fact
I do.

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I gotta go shoot a special
right now.

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Oh, you think you're gonna
go shoot a special here?

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Nobody ever from Perry's
ever made it anywhere

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except to the prison.
That's where you're going.

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Big mistake.
Huge.

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♪ She's a funny lady

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome back
Tammy Pescatelli.

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Awesome.

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Aww.

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Aww.

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Thank you.
I do--

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-Thank you.
- Let's go, Rocky!

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Hey, I don't even know
what to say anymore.

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That was a lot.
I don't think this many people

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liked me
when I went to school here.

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So--Now, listen, I see a lot
of young millennials in here...

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and I love you
and I'm gonna talk to you

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'cause I love
what you're gonna do.

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You guys are gonna change things
'cause you have hope.

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-We don't have hope...

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-but we can write in cursive.

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-Um, so, uh...

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You might need us to read
The Declaration of Independence

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-one day so you better be nice.

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Part of me coming back here
is when no one believed that--

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no one believed in us.
We weren't allowed to have hopes

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and dreams.
We weren't.

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Children were supposed to be--
Now listen to this,

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-what?
- Seen and not heard.

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You see how all the old people
said that?

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Because we've been dying
to say something

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-in public since the '80s.

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Seen and not heard.
That meant as long as you

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were present
you were a good kid.

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Like a mute child
was the perfect child

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for our parents back then.
We weren't allowed to have--

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We weren't friends
with our parents.

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Millennials, you're friends
with your parents.

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I see some of you here tonight
with your parents.

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That's--Wha--I don't even know
my mother's first name.

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-I asked her once.

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She was like,
"None of your damn business.

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That's what it is."

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'Cause, millennials,
God bless you,

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you're just not tough.
I love ya,

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but I could take
your whole generation out

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with a jar of peanuts,
all right?

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-'Cause...

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-Uh, just not tough.

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We weren't allowed
to have feelings.

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Uh, I remember once
telling my father,

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I'm like,
"I'm cold."

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He was like,
"No, you're not."

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"Okay, I guess I'm not.
I don't know."

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We would do things.
Like, you would have nicknames

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based on your flaws.
I have a brother "To-do To-doo."

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-Yeah, 'cause he used to play

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with the toilet paper roll
all the time.

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You know,
"To-do to-doo.

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-To-do to-doo."

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Do do. To-doo.
To-to."

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We only let him play with that
'cause he broke all our toys.

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He broke my Easy-Bake Oven.

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You know what that is,
millennials?

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That's a little mini
meth lab is what that is.

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Like, it would explode.

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You'd get third-degree burns.

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He broke
our Stretch Armstrong.

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-That was indestructible!

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They showed the commercial,
two trucks pulling it apart.

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That little To-do to-doo
broke it!

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And you know
what came out of it?

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Ooze.
Chernobyl--just...slime.

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It was crazy.

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We had horrible toys
back then.

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My son solved
the Rubik's Cube.

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We had the Rubik's Cube,
but I never solved it.

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-Not for real.

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I did peel the stickers off
and tell everybody.

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Sorry that
I have to admit that now.

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Sorry.
Just wanna...

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That generation grew up--
You grew up with things to do.

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When you're in the car
going somewhere,

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you're on your cell phones,
your iPhones,

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you're playing on the iPad,
you're watching DVDs.

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We had nothing
in the backseat of the car.

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Nothing.
We used to make up games

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specifically
to hit each other.

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-Right?

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-If a Volkswagen Beetle...

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passed your car
and its headlight was out,

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someone was getting
knocked out.

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That--
I mean, that was the rules.

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To-do To-doo lost
two teeth one summer...

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-and my father yelled at him.

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"You should've paid attention.
You should've paid attention."

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Everything we did
was about hitting each other.

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Remember a game called
Two For Flinching?

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See, if you were an only child,
you missed out on this.

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-This is where your brother

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or sister or whatever
your siblings were,

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they all of a sudden
developed ninja-like skills.

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They could hide on door jambs,
right?

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They would--behind couches.

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They would jump out of nowhere.

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You'd just be walking along
and all of a sudden

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they would jump out
and throw a punch and stop.

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Like, just little--just, like,
millimeters from your face

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and if you flinched,
they'd punch you

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-two more times.

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-Two for flinching.

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You're like nine years old
walking around like

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-you have Vietnam flashbacks.

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See, you young kids think
you invented the twerk,

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-but we been--we been twerking

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for a long time.

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We just call it twitch.

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Now I have a 21-year-old,
uh, nephew who--

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who comes and stays with me
and he came in

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and he was all sweaty
and he had a gym bag

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and he put it on the counter.
I go, "Uh...

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what--what's going on?"

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He said,
"I joined a fight club."

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-"Well...

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-you're gonna get kicked out...

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'cause you just broke
the first rule."

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-Uh, so...

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By the way,
not all jokes are for everybody.

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Okay, I don't believe in that
everybody's a winner stuff.

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You gotta work
to be a winner, all right?

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So, one--you know,
the kid joins the fight club

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and I couldn't--I just couldn't

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wrap my brain around it,
you know?

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I thought about it for a long
time and I said to him--

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I go, "I don't understand
why would youjoin a--

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What? Did they have a
Dungeons & Dragonstournament?

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Why would youjoin a fight club?
And he said to me--

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Listen.
Prepare yourself.

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He said, "I wanted to learn
how to take a punch."

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I said,
"Lean over the counter.

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-Uh, I will knock you out

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for half the membership fee."

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We had to be tough.
People didn't care about us.

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They would forget us.
If we went on vacation

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sometimes you'd hear
those stories of a kid

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being left at a rest area
for like six hours.

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Do the math.

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Old math.
Not this new, stupid math.

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Do the math.
The real, basic math.

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Six hours!
That means the parents

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had to drive
for three hours...

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before they realized that
little brat was not in the car.

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'Cause you didn't have
to have a seatbelt.

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I told you,
'cause nobody cared about us.

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You could lay
in the back window.

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You could lay on the hump.
No one cared.

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You could run along side.
They thought it was funny.

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-They did not care.

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You'd go to try--
try to put a seatbelt on

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and your father'd go,
"Oh, well, what do you think

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-I'm a bad driver?"

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It's just different.
We could do anything we want.

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Go anywhere.
Be like, "I'm going outside."

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There were two places:
Outside and inside.

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Like, literally.
Your parents knew

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that your friend's house was
eight miles down the street...

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across traffic.
You had to ride your bicycle

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that the handlebars
were way up here.

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That's why we all have
back problems

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'cause we had to--
You'd go across--

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four Dobermans would chase you.

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Dobermans, millennials,
that was the meanest dog we had.

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-We didn't have Pit Bulls.

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We invented that for you
'cause we can't hit you.

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-So...

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figure we can scare you
into submission.

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'Cause nobody hits you.
We--We got hit by everybody.

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-Everybody!

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You could get hit at school.

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You could get paddled at school.

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You didn't get detention.
The principal could paddle you.

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-Right, Mr. Casella?

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00:10:02.863 --> 00:10:06.649
Right?
Different.

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You'd go down
to your friend's house.

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00:10:08.433 --> 00:10:10.218
What was the big thing?
What was it?

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They didn't--They didn't have
a cell phone on you, right?

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Or a little longitude, latitude.
What was their

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big protection scheme for us
when we were kids?

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"Take your little brother.
Take your little brother."

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"Oh, so, what?
The kidnapper wouldn't have

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to come back twice?
Is that why?"

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Why make him put miles
on his van?

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It was a good time
and different things.

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Like, you know, it was pure.

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As a kid we didn't have to--

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When you learned,
you learned in school

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and then you went home
and you didn't have to learn

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anything else,
right?

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We didn't have--
No one read to us

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-to teach us stuff.

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Don't look at it.
I see some of the parents

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00:10:47.603 --> 00:10:49.910
around here. I know.
My mother knows. She's here.

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Nobody read to us.
You guys handed us a book

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00:10:52.086 --> 00:10:55.611
-with a record in it.

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"Go to your room.
The fairy will tell you

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-when to turn the page."

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Just didn't wanna deal.

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Cartoons didn't teach
us anything.

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00:11:09.886 --> 00:11:13.063
My son watches, uh--
he knows how to speak Spanish

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00:11:13.194 --> 00:11:15.544
from that Dora the Explorer,
right?

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00:11:15.675 --> 00:11:17.415
Granted, all he can say is
"Where's the map?"

227
00:11:17.546 --> 00:11:19.591
-But, whatever.

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00:11:19.722 --> 00:11:22.333
Uh, we might need to know
where the map is one day.

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I don't know.
We didn't learn anything.

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We had three hours of cartoons
on a Saturday morning

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that you better not wake
your parents up for...

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'cause they had gotten drunk
the night before.

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-'Cause they did back then.

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00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:41.439
Okay? Listen, now even some
of you might get drunk tonight.

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You'll have to pretend
you have the flu tomorrow.

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We knew they got drunk.
We would tell people

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they were getting drunk.
We'd be like--

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It'd be Friday,
we'd be at lunch going,

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"You should ask your mom
if you can come over

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'cause Dad is gonna get paid,
they're gonna get drunk,

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00:11:53.408 --> 00:11:56.324
-and argue over who shot J.R."

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00:12:00.067 --> 00:12:02.460
I know.
Saturday mornings were crazy.

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00:12:02.591 --> 00:12:06.073
Crazy. That's--Those were
the mornings, to, uh...

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00:12:06.203 --> 00:12:09.598
that other brothers
and sisters were made.

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00:12:13.907 --> 00:12:16.997
I mean,
I don't know for sure.

246
00:12:17.127 --> 00:12:20.609
-My one brother does...

247
00:12:20.740 --> 00:12:23.655
-'cause he walked in.

248
00:12:25.570 --> 00:12:27.485
Now,
I don't know what he saw,

249
00:12:27.616 --> 00:12:29.444
but I can tell you
what I heard.

250
00:12:31.489 --> 00:12:33.709
He went to rat on me.

251
00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:36.451
Uh, because in the old days,
you remember there was only

252
00:12:36.581 --> 00:12:40.063
one TV in the house,
so it was a brawl

253
00:12:40.194 --> 00:12:42.631
to figure out who was gonna
watch what they wanted to watch

254
00:12:42.762 --> 00:12:44.415
when the parents weren't around.

255
00:12:44.546 --> 00:12:46.853
It was all-out, battle war

256
00:12:46.983 --> 00:12:51.205
and I don't wanna brag,
but I'm a good crotch puncher.

257
00:12:51.335 --> 00:12:53.207
-Um...

258
00:12:53.337 --> 00:12:56.514
I have a certain set of skills
and, uh...

259
00:12:56.645 --> 00:12:58.952
a knuckle to the nads
is like a Taser

260
00:12:59.082 --> 00:13:01.519
-and I was always able

261
00:13:01.650 --> 00:13:04.044
to watch Shazaamor Isis
when I wanted to.

262
00:13:04.174 --> 00:13:06.568
So he went to tell on me.

263
00:13:06.698 --> 00:13:09.353
And this is what I heard.
I heard--I heard him

264
00:13:09.484 --> 00:13:11.268
pound on the door--
and he must've pounded so hard

265
00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:13.183
that the door opened,
right?

266
00:13:13.314 --> 00:13:16.143
And, uh, I heard my mother go,

267
00:13:16.273 --> 00:13:18.406
-And then I heard my father go,

268
00:13:18.536 --> 00:13:22.018
-"Get the hell outta here!"

269
00:13:22.149 --> 00:13:24.151
And then I heard my brother go,

270
00:13:24.281 --> 00:13:27.154
"Get...off...my...mommy!"

271
00:13:35.771 --> 00:13:38.643
And then an hour later
his eye went crooked.

272
00:13:38.774 --> 00:13:39.949
-Like it just--

273
00:13:40.080 --> 00:13:42.038
It was like,
"I have seen enough.

274
00:13:42.169 --> 00:13:43.866
There's a..."

275
00:13:43.997 --> 00:13:45.955
That's my brother,
"Cockeye."

276
00:13:49.045 --> 00:13:51.439
It's hard to have siblings.

277
00:13:51.569 --> 00:13:54.485
When you grow up
and your family gets big.

278
00:13:54.616 --> 00:13:56.400
Why is it on the holidays
we always have to go

279
00:13:56.531 --> 00:13:58.925
to the person house
who--who, um,

280
00:13:59.055 --> 00:14:00.796
does the best?
Why can't we go to the one

281
00:14:00.927 --> 00:14:02.450
-who does the worst?

282
00:14:02.580 --> 00:14:04.800
Why can't we go to
To-doo To-doo's house?

283
00:14:04.931 --> 00:14:06.410
-Okay?

284
00:14:06.541 --> 00:14:08.935
His girlfriend has lawn chairs
with duct tape.

285
00:14:09.065 --> 00:14:10.893
Wouldn't matter
if we messed those up.

286
00:14:11.024 --> 00:14:13.635
-I got a cousin who's a hoarder.

287
00:14:13.765 --> 00:14:16.029
We could all go to her house.

288
00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:19.075
-She would never know.

289
00:14:21.034 --> 00:14:24.385
If a tornado hit her house
it would just put stuff away.

290
00:14:24.515 --> 00:14:26.822
-I mean, it's...

291
00:14:26.953 --> 00:14:29.607
Choppers would be flying over.

292
00:14:29.738 --> 00:14:31.696
"There's horrible
and utter devastation

293
00:14:31.827 --> 00:14:33.873
except for this one house.
It's immaculate."

294
00:14:34.003 --> 00:14:36.571
-Family was different.

295
00:14:36.701 --> 00:14:39.617
Just being a kid you could
do what you wanted, you know?

296
00:14:39.748 --> 00:14:41.750
It--It was a different time.

297
00:14:41.881 --> 00:14:44.622
And, you know, you--you tried
to--tried to stay in a group.

298
00:14:44.753 --> 00:14:47.277
That was a big thing.
'Cause God forbid you got lost.

299
00:14:47.408 --> 00:14:49.279
-No one looked for you.

300
00:14:49.410 --> 00:14:51.760
No one looked for you.
There was no Amber Alert for us.

301
00:14:51.891 --> 00:14:54.415
I didn't even know
a broad named Amber

302
00:14:54.545 --> 00:14:58.114
until I was 21
and went to Vegas.

303
00:14:59.768 --> 00:15:01.552
I picked up one of those
hooker trading cards

304
00:15:01.683 --> 00:15:03.772
off the ground.
I'm like...

305
00:15:03.903 --> 00:15:05.382
"No wonder they're letting
everybody know

306
00:15:05.513 --> 00:15:07.602
-she's coming to town.

307
00:15:07.732 --> 00:15:11.214
Uh, got it."

308
00:15:14.304 --> 00:15:16.089
They didn't look for you
when we were kids, did they?

309
00:15:16.219 --> 00:15:18.004
What'd they do?
Huh?

310
00:15:18.134 --> 00:15:19.440
They didn't do anything.
They didn't--

311
00:15:19.570 --> 00:15:22.660
Psychics and search dogs
walking the grid.

312
00:15:22.791 --> 00:15:24.488
They just took
your school picture and put it

313
00:15:24.619 --> 00:15:27.230
-on a milk carton.

314
00:15:27.361 --> 00:15:30.059
And you better pray
people had cereal for breakfast.

315
00:15:31.974 --> 00:15:34.672
'Cause if they had bacon
and eggs, you'd be lost forever.

316
00:15:37.632 --> 00:15:39.112
It was a tough generation.

317
00:15:39.242 --> 00:15:42.854
Even--Even the commercials
were tou--

318
00:15:42.985 --> 00:15:45.814
Like, do you remember--
you can go watch this on YouTube

319
00:15:45.945 --> 00:15:48.295
somewhere,
there was a commercial that

320
00:15:48.425 --> 00:15:51.689
these kids tried to feed
their little brother

321
00:15:51.820 --> 00:15:54.692
all the food
that they didn't want to eat.

322
00:15:54.823 --> 00:15:56.694
Remember?
"Feed it to Mikey.

323
00:15:56.825 --> 00:16:00.089
-He likes it."

324
00:16:00.220 --> 00:16:02.396
And they would
force-feed this kid

325
00:16:02.526 --> 00:16:03.875
all their food.

326
00:16:04.006 --> 00:16:06.139
Apparently, in the one
commercial he liked it,

327
00:16:06.269 --> 00:16:08.619
so they were happy,
but what that means is

328
00:16:08.750 --> 00:16:11.796
they had fed him other stuff
that he had thrown up

329
00:16:11.927 --> 00:16:14.103
-a whole bunch of times.

330
00:16:14.234 --> 00:16:16.497
And those kids became famous.

331
00:16:16.627 --> 00:16:18.238
Right? They--
There even was a rumor--

332
00:16:18.368 --> 00:16:21.023
There's a rumor about Mikey
from the commercial.

333
00:16:21.154 --> 00:16:23.112
That--
We had a rumor that

334
00:16:23.243 --> 00:16:26.463
he had Pepsi and Pop Rocks...

335
00:16:26.594 --> 00:16:29.945
-and it killed him.

336
00:16:30.076 --> 00:16:33.340
That's how jacked up
our generation was

337
00:16:33.470 --> 00:16:36.691
that nobody spoke to us
that we thought

338
00:16:36.821 --> 00:16:41.826
Pepsi and Pop Rocks
would kill you.

339
00:16:41.957 --> 00:16:43.872
We had the weirdest thing.

340
00:16:44.003 --> 00:16:46.614
There was "Just Say No."
Right?

341
00:16:46.744 --> 00:16:48.398
That was a wonderful thing
Nancy Reagan did.

342
00:16:48.529 --> 00:16:51.140
Then they had a commercial.
Uh, "This is your brain."

343
00:16:51.271 --> 00:16:53.925
And it was a frying pan,
right?

344
00:16:54.056 --> 00:16:55.971
And they would
crack an egg on it.

345
00:16:56.102 --> 00:16:57.364
"This is your brain."
And this is the frying pan,

346
00:16:57.494 --> 00:16:58.930
right? Okay?
Look, this is--

347
00:16:59.061 --> 00:17:00.497
And they they'd crack the egg
and it would fry

348
00:17:00.628 --> 00:17:02.195
and they would go,
"This is your brain on drugs."

349
00:17:02.325 --> 00:17:04.240
Like, it's all fried up.
And then you're like,

350
00:17:04.371 --> 00:17:07.330
-"Oh, that looks good.

351
00:17:07.461 --> 00:17:11.204
Wait a second."
God forbid that commercial

352
00:17:11.334 --> 00:17:13.075
came on and my father
was sitting

353
00:17:13.206 --> 00:17:14.816
in the living room with us.
"Don't worry about the egg,

354
00:17:14.946 --> 00:17:17.253
I'm just gonna hit you with the
pan if you do drugs."

355
00:17:18.776 --> 00:17:20.430
Here's where we learned
everything.

356
00:17:20.561 --> 00:17:23.912
-ABC Afterschool Special.

357
00:17:24.043 --> 00:17:26.958
-'Cause you--Right? That was it.

358
00:17:29.091 --> 00:17:31.659
They're the ones who cared about
us enough

359
00:17:31.789 --> 00:17:34.401
to talk to us about topics.

360
00:17:34.531 --> 00:17:39.145
They'd talk to us about topics
that are so controversial

361
00:17:39.275 --> 00:17:40.972
that if you talk to your child
about it tonight,

362
00:17:41.103 --> 00:17:45.412
they'd have an investigation
started on you on Monday.

363
00:17:45.542 --> 00:17:48.676
Stuff that literally--
And they would trick us!

364
00:17:48.806 --> 00:17:50.982
For you who don't know,
millennials,

365
00:17:51.113 --> 00:17:52.680
they would trick us.
They would take the popular

366
00:17:52.810 --> 00:17:55.509
child actors of the day
and then put them

367
00:17:55.639 --> 00:17:58.686
in the afterschool special
in these horrible situations.

368
00:17:58.816 --> 00:18:02.603
Like, Jodie Foster
was playing baseball

369
00:18:02.733 --> 00:18:04.561
in a Disney film
on the weekend

370
00:18:04.692 --> 00:18:08.043
and she was a heroin addict
on Wednesday afternoon

371
00:18:08.174 --> 00:18:10.089
-in the afterschool special.

372
00:18:10.219 --> 00:18:12.613
She was so bad
of a heroin addict.

373
00:18:12.743 --> 00:18:16.486
She would go into room
after school.

374
00:18:16.617 --> 00:18:20.142
She'd go upstairs
into the back of her closet,

375
00:18:20.273 --> 00:18:23.580
she'd shoot up
and all the '70s lava lamp

376
00:18:23.711 --> 00:18:25.887
weirdo things would come on.

377
00:18:26.017 --> 00:18:27.976
And she'd come
out of the closet--

378
00:18:28.107 --> 00:18:30.979
-which I still find ironic...

379
00:18:33.503 --> 00:18:35.375
Um, that was
another afterschool special.

380
00:18:35.505 --> 00:18:38.073
-I think starring Robbie Benson.

381
00:18:38.204 --> 00:18:40.858
-I'm not sure, um...

382
00:18:40.989 --> 00:18:45.211
-and her parents had moved.

383
00:18:45.341 --> 00:18:47.952
Moved!

384
00:18:48.083 --> 00:18:52.043
It wasn't "Just Say No,"
it was "Your People Will Go."

385
00:18:52.174 --> 00:18:53.741
-Right?

386
00:18:53.871 --> 00:18:56.526
That's why no one
of our generation does heroin.

387
00:18:56.657 --> 00:18:59.616
'Cause we saw what the hell
happened to Jodie Foster.

388
00:19:02.837 --> 00:19:04.795
That's why!

389
00:19:09.365 --> 00:19:11.324
I'll never forget this one.

390
00:19:11.454 --> 00:19:13.717
This one I'll ne--
This one, if you saw this,

391
00:19:13.848 --> 00:19:15.502
it changed your life.
It changed mine.

392
00:19:15.632 --> 00:19:18.069
There were these kids that
were playing on the playground.

393
00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:19.897
Just playing.
Swinging on swings.

394
00:19:20.028 --> 00:19:22.248
Sliding down slides.
By themselves, by the way

395
00:19:22.378 --> 00:19:24.293
-'cause you could back then.

396
00:19:24.424 --> 00:19:25.729
Right?
There are play dates now.

397
00:19:25.860 --> 00:19:27.427
That's what they do with kids.

398
00:19:27.557 --> 00:19:29.690
That was a whole thing for me
when I became a parent.

399
00:19:29.820 --> 00:19:31.518
I didn't know about that.
My son was five.

400
00:19:31.648 --> 00:19:34.085
He wanted to have a play date
with this little boy, Justin.

401
00:19:34.216 --> 00:19:38.133
Uh, but that meant I had to
call Justin's mother

402
00:19:38.264 --> 00:19:41.049
and coordinate their schedules

403
00:19:41.180 --> 00:19:43.704
so they could pick boogers
simultaneously.

404
00:19:46.750 --> 00:19:49.100
Justin's mother
was one of those "tiger mothers"

405
00:19:49.231 --> 00:19:51.364
and she had him, uh,
she was just,

406
00:19:51.494 --> 00:19:53.235
"Oh, Justin's not available
on Tuesday

407
00:19:53.366 --> 00:19:55.803
'cause that's when
he has Chinese and cello."

408
00:19:55.933 --> 00:19:57.674
And I'm like, "You need to--"
Yeah, what are we?

409
00:19:57.805 --> 00:20:00.721
-Negotiating trade deals?

410
00:20:02.375 --> 00:20:04.594
I go, "You need
to let Justin come over.

411
00:20:04.725 --> 00:20:06.335
Let the neighbor kids
beat the hell outta him

412
00:20:06.466 --> 00:20:07.728
'cause that's the life
you're setting Justin

413
00:20:07.858 --> 00:20:10.774
-up for over there."

414
00:20:12.428 --> 00:20:15.823
Finally Justin's mother
found a date that was--

415
00:20:15.953 --> 00:20:19.957
was open in his schedule

416
00:20:20.088 --> 00:20:22.264
and, uh, she came over

417
00:20:22.395 --> 00:20:24.353
and she walked in

418
00:20:24.484 --> 00:20:26.834
and she sat down on my couch...

419
00:20:26.964 --> 00:20:31.055
-and she stayed.

420
00:20:31.186 --> 00:20:32.927
Now,
some of you don't understand

421
00:20:33.057 --> 00:20:36.191
-why that's even funny.

422
00:20:36.322 --> 00:20:41.849
-But I did not invite her over.

423
00:20:41.979 --> 00:20:44.721
I invited her child over
to play with my child

424
00:20:44.852 --> 00:20:46.723
'cause I'm busy.
I only have one kid.

425
00:20:46.854 --> 00:20:49.204
You're supposed to have two
so they can play together.

426
00:20:49.335 --> 00:20:52.163
Plus, in case one's an idiot,
you have somewhere else to live

427
00:20:52.294 --> 00:20:54.557
-when you get old, okay?

428
00:20:54.688 --> 00:20:58.126
-That's...

429
00:20:58.257 --> 00:21:00.433
It is what it is.
Right?

430
00:21:00.563 --> 00:21:01.999
That's why a whole bunch
of people moved to Florida

431
00:21:02.130 --> 00:21:04.175
'cause they
struck out completely.

432
00:21:04.306 --> 00:21:06.656
You think those gates
are for their safety?

433
00:21:06.787 --> 00:21:10.530
No, it's to keep the dumb kids
from coming to visit.

434
00:21:10.660 --> 00:21:13.010
She stayed!

435
00:21:13.141 --> 00:21:15.970
Now, listen, our parents
would just drop us off.

436
00:21:16.100 --> 00:21:18.059
Not even, really.
You'd be like, uh,

437
00:21:18.189 --> 00:21:19.669
Thursday night you'd be like,
"Ma, can I spend the night

438
00:21:19.800 --> 00:21:21.323
at Suzie's house?"
She's like, "Oh, yeah,

439
00:21:21.454 --> 00:21:24.108
I'll write you a bus pass.
See you Saturday."

440
00:21:24.239 --> 00:21:26.415
-They didn't care.

441
00:21:26.546 --> 00:21:28.852
I'm busy. I don't--
millennials, I know you

442
00:21:28.983 --> 00:21:31.072
don't understand "busy"
sometimes 'cause you're young

443
00:21:31.202 --> 00:21:33.204
and you--I'm saying
all this with love.

444
00:21:33.335 --> 00:21:36.556
I'm trying to help you
understand that sometimes

445
00:21:36.686 --> 00:21:39.515
time is the most precious
commodity.

446
00:21:39.646 --> 00:21:41.909
I don't have time
to do a lot of stuff.

447
00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:43.563
I don't have time.
Like, that's how you

448
00:21:43.693 --> 00:21:45.652
get in trouble
'cause you have too much time.

449
00:21:45.782 --> 00:21:48.829
Your threesomes and all that
weird sex stuff you do.

450
00:21:50.396 --> 00:21:52.093
Listen,
I don't have time for that.

451
00:21:52.223 --> 00:21:54.269
If there was another woman
in bed with my husband and I,

452
00:21:54.400 --> 00:21:55.749
I'd be like,
"You got this covered?

453
00:21:55.879 --> 00:21:58.578
-'Cause I got things to do."

454
00:21:58.708 --> 00:22:01.581
I'm busy. We're busy.

455
00:22:03.800 --> 00:22:06.629
That's not a sex joke.
That's a time management joke,

456
00:22:06.760 --> 00:22:10.720
-by the way.

457
00:22:10.851 --> 00:22:14.245
-All I wanna do is sleep.

458
00:22:14.376 --> 00:22:16.944
Sometimes we sleep
and have sex at the same time.

459
00:22:17.074 --> 00:22:19.076
-It's...

460
00:22:19.207 --> 00:22:21.949
My favorite position
is awake.

461
00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:24.343
Uh, I don't even wanna
get into that stuff.

462
00:22:24.473 --> 00:22:26.127
It is weird to talk about
that stuff.

463
00:22:26.257 --> 00:22:29.522
Where is he?
Is he looking?

464
00:22:29.652 --> 00:22:33.395
Look, the fact of the matter is
is I-I...

465
00:22:33.526 --> 00:22:36.311
I'll never forget
that afterschool special

466
00:22:36.442 --> 00:22:38.269
and, you guys--
There was one, these kids

467
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:39.575
are just playing
on the playground.

468
00:22:39.706 --> 00:22:42.361
Enjoying themselves.
Kid stuff!

469
00:22:42.491 --> 00:22:46.103
And this grown, '70s man
walked on the playground.

470
00:22:46.234 --> 00:22:47.627
And they all walk like this
'cause they had

471
00:22:47.757 --> 00:22:51.195
bellbottoms on with heels

472
00:22:51.326 --> 00:22:53.546
and he had a camera
around his neck.

473
00:22:53.676 --> 00:22:56.070
'Member before it was
in your phone?

474
00:22:56.200 --> 00:22:57.898
When it was
two separate things?

475
00:23:00.204 --> 00:23:04.731
You actually had to have film
and a flash?

476
00:23:04.861 --> 00:23:08.299
He was like,
"Hey, kids...

477
00:23:08.430 --> 00:23:10.911
anyone wanna come over
and take some pictures?

478
00:23:11.041 --> 00:23:14.958
I've got ice cream."
And it got weird.

479
00:23:15.089 --> 00:23:17.526
-Just like it did in this room

480
00:23:17.657 --> 00:23:19.876
-right now.

481
00:23:20.007 --> 00:23:22.749
That is
the appropriate response.

482
00:23:24.403 --> 00:23:27.318
But, you see,
in the afterschool special,

483
00:23:27.449 --> 00:23:30.583
someone had to fall prey
to the problem

484
00:23:30.713 --> 00:23:34.064
so your little butt
wouldn't do those things.

485
00:23:34.195 --> 00:23:38.504
So youcould learn the lesson
vicariously through that child.

486
00:23:38.634 --> 00:23:41.028
And it was the '70s.

487
00:23:41.158 --> 00:23:43.770
They were not
politically correct.

488
00:23:43.900 --> 00:23:46.294
It was usually
always the chubby kid.

489
00:23:49.428 --> 00:23:51.691
-I did not make the rules.

490
00:23:51.821 --> 00:23:53.867
I was seven.

491
00:23:53.997 --> 00:23:56.652
And, sure enough,
the chubby kid raised his hand.

492
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:00.874
He was like,
"I'll come with you."

493
00:24:01.004 --> 00:24:03.529
And they skipped off

494
00:24:03.659 --> 00:24:06.401
and it cut to commercial.

495
00:24:06.532 --> 00:24:08.577
And I will never forget
sitting in the living room

496
00:24:08.708 --> 00:24:11.406
with my brothers thinking,
"Huh.

497
00:24:11.537 --> 00:24:14.017
I don't think that boy was
supposed to go with that man.

498
00:24:21.982 --> 00:24:25.420
That man is a stranger
and you're not supposed

499
00:24:25.551 --> 00:24:26.943
to go with strangers."

500
00:24:27.074 --> 00:24:28.771
But To-doo To-doo's
a chubby kid

501
00:24:28.902 --> 00:24:31.208
and he was like, "I wonder what
kind of ice cream that man had."

502
00:24:31.339 --> 00:24:34.298
-So...

503
00:24:36.300 --> 00:24:38.389
I like having you guys here.

504
00:24:38.520 --> 00:24:40.391
I like most people.

505
00:24:40.522 --> 00:24:43.482
-Um...

506
00:24:45.701 --> 00:24:48.574
Not a big fan of the Amish.
Just so you know.

507
00:24:48.704 --> 00:24:50.967
-Uh, just being honest.

508
00:24:51.098 --> 00:24:52.534
They're not here.
Don't worry.

509
00:24:54.667 --> 00:24:56.233
That would be weird
if they were, right?

510
00:24:56.364 --> 00:24:58.409
Wouldn't that be weird?
Like, "What up, Tammy?"

511
00:24:58.540 --> 00:24:59.976
And Jedadiah trying...

512
00:25:00.107 --> 00:25:01.630
They have a whole
bunch of little Amish Ubers

513
00:25:01.761 --> 00:25:04.415
-hanging out.

514
00:25:04.546 --> 00:25:06.635
I have lots of reasons
behind why

515
00:25:06.766 --> 00:25:09.246
if you really must know.

516
00:25:09.377 --> 00:25:10.900
Uh, first of all, uh...

517
00:25:11.031 --> 00:25:15.035
they show up at Walmart with
smallpox and polio.

518
00:25:20.388 --> 00:25:22.695
We cured it a long time ago.

519
00:25:22.825 --> 00:25:24.610
I don't--
They didn't get the memo.

520
00:25:24.740 --> 00:25:27.351
They charge you four times
as much for something

521
00:25:27.482 --> 00:25:29.397
that's Amish built

522
00:25:29.528 --> 00:25:34.097
-and you see 'em at Home Depot.

523
00:25:34.228 --> 00:25:37.579
And I'll tell you another reason
I don't like 'em.

524
00:25:37.710 --> 00:25:41.583
I have a puppy.
Sixteen weeks.

525
00:25:41.714 --> 00:25:43.629
Beautiful little
golden retriever, okay?

526
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:47.633
Beautiful dog.
Now the last time I had a dog

527
00:25:47.763 --> 00:25:49.591
I was a little kid.

528
00:25:49.722 --> 00:25:53.508
I didn't understand that there
are new rules for dogs now.

529
00:25:53.639 --> 00:25:57.164
Now if a dog
goes to the bathroom,

530
00:25:57.294 --> 00:26:01.864
-you have to pick it up.

531
00:26:01.995 --> 00:26:05.476
Four or five times a day
I got a bag.

532
00:26:05.607 --> 00:26:08.610
I'm--I'm walking around
with a hot turd in a bag.

533
00:26:11.134 --> 00:26:13.267
This is my glamorous life
over here.

534
00:26:13.397 --> 00:26:15.530
Hot turd in a bag.
Hot turd--

535
00:26:15.661 --> 00:26:17.227
It's like a country song.

536
00:26:17.358 --> 00:26:19.142
♪ Hot turd in a bag,
hot turd in a bag ♪

537
00:26:19.273 --> 00:26:21.362
-♪ Hot turd in a bag

538
00:26:21.492 --> 00:26:23.712
I don't--

539
00:26:23.843 --> 00:26:27.150
I'm driving to get here.

540
00:26:27.281 --> 00:26:29.718
Amish dude
pulls in front of me.

541
00:26:29.849 --> 00:26:32.939
Horse craps
all over the road.

542
00:26:35.071 --> 00:26:36.943
He doesn't even turn around
and look at me!

543
00:26:40.076 --> 00:26:43.558
-And he doesn't pay taxes.

544
00:26:43.689 --> 00:26:45.473
By the way, you're not even
supposed to be on the road.

545
00:26:45.604 --> 00:26:47.388
You don't pay taxes for those.
Is that--That's the kinda--

546
00:26:47.518 --> 00:26:49.390
That's what happens, so...
That's another thing.

547
00:26:49.520 --> 00:26:52.959
You know you're old when you go,
"Oh, they don't even pay taxes.

548
00:26:55.526 --> 00:26:58.399
-"Get off my property."

549
00:27:00.053 --> 00:27:02.795
This is what happened
in my life is I have been

550
00:27:02.925 --> 00:27:05.841
all around the world
and I will tell you one thing,

551
00:27:05.972 --> 00:27:08.104
if you can
save yourself some time--

552
00:27:08.235 --> 00:27:09.932
'cause, remember,
time is precious,

553
00:27:10.063 --> 00:27:14.110
don't engage the crazy.

554
00:27:14.241 --> 00:27:15.808
Do you understand
what I'm mean?

555
00:27:15.938 --> 00:27:19.072
Don't ask people
their thought process.

556
00:27:19.202 --> 00:27:23.554
-Don't ever ask why...

557
00:27:23.685 --> 00:27:26.601
'cause you'll never understand
how crazy people think

558
00:27:26.732 --> 00:27:28.168
'cause you're not crazy,
right?

559
00:27:28.298 --> 00:27:31.475
Don't ask, "Why?"
Like Nancy Kerrigan.

560
00:27:31.606 --> 00:27:34.653
- "Why?!"

561
00:27:34.783 --> 00:27:37.873
Millennials,
Google Nancy Kerrigan.

562
00:27:45.489 --> 00:27:46.882
I know. I know. I know.
I know. I know.

563
00:27:47.013 --> 00:27:48.884
I know
you don't know who she is.

564
00:27:49.015 --> 00:27:51.147
That's why I wrote that joke.

565
00:27:51.278 --> 00:27:53.802
We didn't know who Abe Lincoln
was, but we figured it out.

566
00:27:53.933 --> 00:27:55.586
-All right?

567
00:27:55.717 --> 00:27:59.199
And we had to go to the library
and get an encyclopedia.

568
00:27:59.329 --> 00:28:02.289
-Google "encyclopedia."

569
00:28:05.727 --> 00:28:07.555
It's a different time.

570
00:28:07.686 --> 00:28:10.601
Don't ask "why."
It will never--

571
00:28:10.732 --> 00:28:12.734
It'll make you crazy
and then your brain doesn't--

572
00:28:12.865 --> 00:28:14.867
Like, if you walk
into someone's house

573
00:28:14.997 --> 00:28:17.217
and they have more than two
Chia Pets,

574
00:28:17.347 --> 00:28:19.219
turn around and walk
right back out.

575
00:28:21.264 --> 00:28:24.877
You're never
gonna understand that.

576
00:28:25.007 --> 00:28:27.749
If you have those
little stickers of your whole,

577
00:28:27.880 --> 00:28:29.925
entire family
on your back window,

578
00:28:30.056 --> 00:28:32.667
punch yourself
repeatedly in the head.

579
00:28:32.798 --> 00:28:35.539
-Okay?

580
00:28:35.670 --> 00:28:38.760
It's unnecessary.

581
00:28:38.891 --> 00:28:40.849
Stop.

582
00:28:40.980 --> 00:28:43.765
All you're doing is showing the
weirdos, "Follow me home.

583
00:28:43.896 --> 00:28:45.811
-I got kids there. Come on.

584
00:28:45.941 --> 00:28:48.509
Get your camera.
Bring your ice cream."

585
00:28:50.772 --> 00:28:52.731
Think about things.

586
00:28:55.211 --> 00:28:57.431
Why do you make it hard
on yourself?

587
00:28:57.561 --> 00:28:59.955
Don't do--And I--
Listen, I get it.

588
00:29:00.086 --> 00:29:01.696
I do stupid stuff.

589
00:29:01.827 --> 00:29:03.219
I was on the plane
the other day.

590
00:29:03.350 --> 00:29:05.831
I was getting on a plane
and I engaged crazy.

591
00:29:05.961 --> 00:29:08.529
I didn't mean to.
I just wasn't thinking.

592
00:29:08.659 --> 00:29:11.271
I saw a lady.
She was by herself

593
00:29:11.401 --> 00:29:12.446
and she was in front of me.

594
00:29:12.576 --> 00:29:14.013
She was running
down the jetway.

595
00:29:14.143 --> 00:29:15.536
Okay,
and I did not see her face,

596
00:29:15.666 --> 00:29:17.016
but she had a double stroller.

597
00:29:17.146 --> 00:29:19.366
And I thought,
"I'm gonna help her."

598
00:29:19.496 --> 00:29:21.542
Because not only is she
by herself with two kids,

599
00:29:21.672 --> 00:29:23.022
but I don't know if you've
folded a stroller

600
00:29:23.152 --> 00:29:24.806
in the past decade,

601
00:29:24.937 --> 00:29:27.156
but you need
an engineering degree, okay?

602
00:29:27.287 --> 00:29:29.028
It's like origami
or something.

603
00:29:29.158 --> 00:29:31.813
So I ran up and I'm like,
"Hey, ma'am, um...

604
00:29:31.944 --> 00:29:34.773
can I--"
And just as I said that

605
00:29:34.903 --> 00:29:37.558
I looked down...
two dogs.

606
00:29:37.688 --> 00:29:40.909
-Okay, listen,

607
00:29:41.040 --> 00:29:43.129
I've already explained to you
I got a dog. I love animals.

608
00:29:43.259 --> 00:29:45.392
I just wasn't prepared
to see 'em in a ride.

609
00:29:45.522 --> 00:29:48.438
-Okay? Take it down a notch.

610
00:29:51.224 --> 00:29:55.576
I engaged the crazy...
as politely as possible,

611
00:29:55.706 --> 00:29:58.840
though, now, because...
Listen, I'm an expert at it.

612
00:29:58.971 --> 00:30:02.235
Um, I was like,
"Uh...

613
00:30:02.365 --> 00:30:05.586
-what the hell is going on?"

614
00:30:05.716 --> 00:30:09.633
'Cause that's the best I have.
You have to know who you are.

615
00:30:13.637 --> 00:30:17.554
She was like--She said,
"Oh, that's my calming dog."

616
00:30:17.685 --> 00:30:21.602
Calming dog.
That's a real thing.

617
00:30:21.732 --> 00:30:24.605
No, no, in all honesty
that's a real thing.

618
00:30:24.735 --> 00:30:26.999
Some people need that.
They have--

619
00:30:27.129 --> 00:30:29.871
They have seizure disorder.
They have PTSD.

620
00:30:30.002 --> 00:30:32.004
They have Two for Flinching
flashbacks.

621
00:30:32.134 --> 00:30:33.570
-I don't know what it is.

622
00:30:33.701 --> 00:30:37.531
They need it.
Okay.

623
00:30:37.661 --> 00:30:38.837
Now, I gotta
be on a plane with you.

624
00:30:38.967 --> 00:30:41.883
-Whatever you need.

625
00:30:42.014 --> 00:30:45.844
But I'm the dummy
'cause I went back in

626
00:30:45.974 --> 00:30:48.542
and I was like...

627
00:30:48.672 --> 00:30:51.501
-"What about that dog?"

628
00:30:57.638 --> 00:31:01.642
-Oh, hold on.

629
00:31:01.772 --> 00:31:05.559
She said,
"That's hiscalming dog."

630
00:31:12.566 --> 00:31:15.308
Do you know
how crazy you have to be

631
00:31:15.438 --> 00:31:18.789
that your calming dog
needs a calming dog?

632
00:31:18.920 --> 00:31:21.618
That the dog whose sole purpose
in life it is

633
00:31:21.749 --> 00:31:24.143
to take you down a notch goes,
"This broad is crazy.

634
00:31:24.273 --> 00:31:27.711
-I need backup."

635
00:31:27.842 --> 00:31:30.976
You shouldn't be allowed to walk
out amongst the rest of us.

636
00:31:35.110 --> 00:31:38.287
I laugh a lot.
Uh, in--I don't come from

637
00:31:38.418 --> 00:31:41.290
a lot of laughter in my family.
Like, my grandparents,

638
00:31:41.421 --> 00:31:43.553
they didn't laugh a lot.
They were immigrant people.

639
00:31:43.684 --> 00:31:48.428
They--They were married,
uh, gosh, I think like 54 years.

640
00:31:48.558 --> 00:31:50.996
-And they hated each other.

641
00:31:51.126 --> 00:31:53.085
It was a little game called
Whoever Dies First

642
00:31:53.215 --> 00:31:55.130
The Other One Wins
All the Good Stuff.

643
00:31:55.261 --> 00:31:57.306
-Uh, you think I'm kidding,

644
00:31:57.437 --> 00:31:59.569
but I didn't realize
how much they hated each other

645
00:31:59.700 --> 00:32:00.831
till the day before
I got married.

646
00:32:00.962 --> 00:32:02.877
My grandfather picked me up

647
00:32:03.008 --> 00:32:04.531
and we were gonna go
to breakfast and he goes,

648
00:32:04.661 --> 00:32:06.098
uh, "Hey, Tam...

649
00:32:06.228 --> 00:32:09.579
today is the best day
of you life."

650
00:32:09.710 --> 00:32:11.103
I said, "But, Papa,
I get married tomorrow."

651
00:32:11.233 --> 00:32:13.148
He goes, "I know.
Today...

652
00:32:15.411 --> 00:32:18.327
-is the best day."

653
00:32:21.330 --> 00:32:24.420
My grandmother, um--
Some of you saw my grandmother

654
00:32:24.551 --> 00:32:26.683
when--when I was younger.
My grandmother looked just like

655
00:32:26.814 --> 00:32:30.513
an Italian movie star.
Just like Danny DeVito.

656
00:32:30.644 --> 00:32:32.820
-Uh, but...

657
00:32:32.951 --> 00:32:35.866
shorter and hairier.
If that's possible.

658
00:32:35.997 --> 00:32:39.348
Um, she was mean.

659
00:32:39.479 --> 00:32:41.220
If you showed up.
Like, you were the--

660
00:32:41.350 --> 00:32:42.961
you were the stranger
coming to the house,

661
00:32:43.091 --> 00:32:44.701
the moment you walked through
the door, she'd be like,

662
00:32:44.832 --> 00:32:46.616
"You hungry?
I make a you something."

663
00:32:46.747 --> 00:32:48.792
With her apron just sitting on
like she'd been wearing

664
00:32:48.923 --> 00:32:50.838
an apron her whole life.
Right?

665
00:32:50.969 --> 00:32:52.361
You say,
"No, no, I'm good. Thank you."

666
00:32:52.492 --> 00:32:55.190
She goes, "Oh, come on.
I make a you something."

667
00:32:55.321 --> 00:32:57.105
Say, "No, no, I'm good.
Thank you."

668
00:32:57.236 --> 00:32:59.325
And then her eye would twitch
just a little bit.

669
00:33:01.022 --> 00:33:02.719
She'd be like,
"I make a you something."

670
00:33:02.850 --> 00:33:04.895
-Then somewhere in the back

671
00:33:05.026 --> 00:33:06.680
of your mind you remember,
like, the Troll

672
00:33:06.810 --> 00:33:10.466
-and the Billy-Goatstory.

673
00:33:10.597 --> 00:33:13.469
So you'd find yourself
sitting at the kitchen table

674
00:33:13.600 --> 00:33:16.516
and within, like, four minutes
a seven-course Italian meal

675
00:33:16.646 --> 00:33:18.518
would show up in front of you
that someone

676
00:33:18.648 --> 00:33:22.739
on the Food Network would
knock somebody out over, right?

677
00:33:22.870 --> 00:33:24.350
And you'd leave my house
and you'd go, "Oh, my God.

678
00:33:24.480 --> 00:33:26.482
your grandmother's so nice!"

679
00:33:26.613 --> 00:33:28.267
"Mm-hmm."
And then I'd shut the door

680
00:33:28.397 --> 00:33:31.487
and then her head would spin
around like The Exorcist.

681
00:33:31.618 --> 00:33:32.923
She'd go,
"That sum of a bitch.

682
00:33:33.054 --> 00:33:35.100
Every time
he come here he hungry."

683
00:33:43.586 --> 00:33:45.023
"You're a gargoyle.

684
00:33:45.153 --> 00:33:47.373
You should sit on the roof
and scare owls away."

685
00:33:49.157 --> 00:33:50.724
Mean.

686
00:33:50.854 --> 00:33:55.120
You would think that would
prepare me for a mother-in-law.

687
00:33:55.250 --> 00:33:57.905
Right? My grand--
Listen, I love my mother-in-law.

688
00:33:58.036 --> 00:34:00.821
I've talked about her
in my specials before.

689
00:34:00.951 --> 00:34:03.563
Um, and I'm brave enough
to talk about her now

690
00:34:03.693 --> 00:34:05.869
-'cause she's not here.

691
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:09.308
I-I--This is--Listen,
you make your judgments.

692
00:34:09.438 --> 00:34:13.921
So, uh, the first Mother's Day
when I had my son,

693
00:34:14.052 --> 00:34:16.271
my two sister-in-laws,
on my husband's side,

694
00:34:16.402 --> 00:34:18.578
they had had two babies
as well.

695
00:34:18.708 --> 00:34:21.450
We all had babies
within a month apart.

696
00:34:21.581 --> 00:34:24.018
Three babies. Three months.
First grandchildren.

697
00:34:24.149 --> 00:34:26.455
So excited
for first Mother's Day

698
00:34:26.586 --> 00:34:28.544
and there's a message
on my phone from her

699
00:34:28.675 --> 00:34:31.025
and I thought, "Wow, this is--
Finally we're bonding

700
00:34:31.156 --> 00:34:32.896
'cause we're both mothers
and this is--"

701
00:34:33.027 --> 00:34:35.160
And it said--And she's
right from Italy, too.

702
00:34:35.290 --> 00:34:37.118
She goes, uh, "Hello?

703
00:34:37.249 --> 00:34:39.251
This is your mother-in-law.

704
00:34:39.381 --> 00:34:41.775
You don't know
'cause you never call me.

705
00:34:45.170 --> 00:34:48.173
I just wanna say
I don't give a shit

706
00:34:48.303 --> 00:34:50.523
who make-a the baby.

707
00:34:50.653 --> 00:34:54.701
I'ma the one that make-a
the man that make-a the baby.

708
00:34:54.831 --> 00:34:58.400
Mother's Day about my house.

709
00:34:58.531 --> 00:35:00.750
I don't give a shit.

710
00:35:00.881 --> 00:35:02.622
God bless you."

711
00:35:08.236 --> 00:35:10.064
She didn't say "God bless you."
I just wanted to make her

712
00:35:10.195 --> 00:35:13.894
-seem softer.

713
00:35:14.024 --> 00:35:16.418
But I love her son.

714
00:35:16.549 --> 00:35:18.681
You know, you find--
you find, uh--

715
00:35:18.812 --> 00:35:20.161
-Aww, sweet.

716
00:35:20.292 --> 00:35:22.250
There's a baby here.
That's awesome.

717
00:35:22.381 --> 00:35:24.992
-Aww...

718
00:35:25.123 --> 00:35:27.690
it's so nice.
Do we--Is it 16 and Pregnant?

719
00:35:27.821 --> 00:35:29.518
Are we filming that
at the same time?

720
00:35:29.649 --> 00:35:32.042
-By the way...

721
00:35:32.173 --> 00:35:33.696
can I tell you something?

722
00:35:33.827 --> 00:35:35.916
I know they told us
not to get pregnant

723
00:35:36.046 --> 00:35:37.700
when you're in high school
and stuff like that, right?

724
00:35:37.831 --> 00:35:39.224
They always said,
"Don't do that."

725
00:35:39.354 --> 00:35:40.877
But now that I'm old with a kid
I'm like,

726
00:35:41.008 --> 00:35:42.836
"That might not have been
a bad idea."

727
00:35:45.099 --> 00:35:48.102
Uh, I would've missed prom.

728
00:35:48.233 --> 00:35:51.366
This is--This is hard
to be in charge of a kid

729
00:35:51.497 --> 00:35:53.673
and my parents
at the same time.

730
00:35:53.803 --> 00:35:58.112
-There's never a break.

731
00:35:58.243 --> 00:35:59.896
It's the same
with the generation and you

732
00:36:00.027 --> 00:36:02.029
can't eat bread
'cause you weigh 5,000 pounds.

733
00:36:04.336 --> 00:36:07.034
I don't know.
I'm always tired by the way.

734
00:36:07.165 --> 00:36:09.341
There's never--
Kids, you wanna know why?

735
00:36:09.471 --> 00:36:10.820
Here's something else.

736
00:36:10.951 --> 00:36:12.082
Millennials, you wanna feel good
about yourself?

737
00:36:12.213 --> 00:36:14.128
Our generation
is always tired why?

738
00:36:14.259 --> 00:36:16.086
Not 'cause we wanna be old.
It's 'cause we have to wake up

739
00:36:16.217 --> 00:36:18.393
and go to the bathroom
17 times a night.

740
00:36:20.265 --> 00:36:22.354
Eventually that goes away,
though.

741
00:36:22.484 --> 00:36:24.878
'Cause you stop waking up.
I can't wait for that.

742
00:36:25.008 --> 00:36:27.533
I'll just pee the bed.
I don't care.

743
00:36:27.663 --> 00:36:29.578
Think I'm above it?

744
00:36:31.885 --> 00:36:34.104
Some people, you know, you--
you travel through life

745
00:36:34.235 --> 00:36:37.151
and your waters run parallel

746
00:36:37.282 --> 00:36:40.459
and you find your mate
and then some of you,

747
00:36:40.589 --> 00:36:42.461
like me, you marry the hot kid
from the slow class.

748
00:36:42.591 --> 00:36:44.332
-It doesn't matter.

749
00:36:44.463 --> 00:36:47.161
Uh, it doesn't matter.

750
00:36:47.292 --> 00:36:50.251
We don't have to be on the same
reading comprehension level.

751
00:36:51.905 --> 00:36:53.776
What does he have to do?
Just guard the perimeter.

752
00:36:53.907 --> 00:36:56.126
That's all I'm looking for
at this point.

753
00:36:58.259 --> 00:37:01.306
Walk the wall
every once in a while.

754
00:37:01.436 --> 00:37:03.656
I love my husband.
I think one of the reasons

755
00:37:03.786 --> 00:37:06.659
I kinda got a little bit
grumpier in my old age

756
00:37:06.789 --> 00:37:09.270
is because what they don't tell
you about marriage...

757
00:37:09.401 --> 00:37:13.535
when one person snores,
the other person

758
00:37:13.666 --> 00:37:15.885
loses all credibility

759
00:37:16.016 --> 00:37:18.584
because they
no longer believe you.

760
00:37:18.714 --> 00:37:20.803
When you say, "You snore."

761
00:37:20.934 --> 00:37:23.371
Their response is,
"No, I don't."

762
00:37:23.502 --> 00:37:26.156
-Oh, now I'm a liar?

763
00:37:26.287 --> 00:37:29.812
I have to prove it to you?
I have to film you

764
00:37:29.943 --> 00:37:32.467
like I'm looking for a Yeti
in the Andes?

765
00:37:36.297 --> 00:37:37.951
Ridiculous.

766
00:37:38.081 --> 00:37:40.780
Why would I make up
that he snored?

767
00:37:40.910 --> 00:37:43.173
I'm in the business of words.

768
00:37:43.304 --> 00:37:46.438
I can make up something
way more fantastical.

769
00:37:46.568 --> 00:37:48.788
Like, "You know what you do
while you sleep?

770
00:37:48.918 --> 00:37:51.921
-You juggle.

771
00:37:52.052 --> 00:37:54.446
I know.
It's the craziest thing.

772
00:37:54.576 --> 00:37:56.317
I woke up
in the middle of the night,

773
00:37:56.448 --> 00:37:59.146
-pillows hitting the ceiling...

774
00:37:59.277 --> 00:38:02.149
-in a rhythmic formation."

775
00:38:04.586 --> 00:38:06.240
You know what
I'd wish he'd do in his sleep?

776
00:38:06.371 --> 00:38:07.850
Mow the lawn.
That's what I wish.

777
00:38:07.981 --> 00:38:10.200
-Oh, my God.

778
00:38:10.331 --> 00:38:11.854
I love my husband,
but he's from Brooklyn

779
00:38:11.985 --> 00:38:15.336
-and he mows crop circles.

780
00:38:15.467 --> 00:38:17.338
Investigators are showing up
in our yard all the time.

781
00:38:21.777 --> 00:38:24.693
Things happen, you know,
when you get married.

782
00:38:24.824 --> 00:38:27.174
We just went through something
and we stuck through it.

783
00:38:27.305 --> 00:38:29.394
He got really sick
and we had to have a...

784
00:38:29.524 --> 00:38:32.179
conversation
I wasn't prepared to have.

785
00:38:32.310 --> 00:38:34.442
He said to me,
"If something happens to me

786
00:38:34.573 --> 00:38:37.140
I want you to know
it's okay with me

787
00:38:37.271 --> 00:38:39.012
if you get married again."

788
00:38:39.142 --> 00:38:41.710
And I was like...

789
00:38:41.841 --> 00:38:43.930
"I didn't even
wanna get married this time.

790
00:38:44.060 --> 00:38:47.020
-Uh...

791
00:38:48.978 --> 00:38:52.199
what are the odds I get
knocked up at 48 years old?"

792
00:38:54.244 --> 00:38:56.682
Forty-eight for all of you
who are trying to figure it out.

793
00:38:58.988 --> 00:39:01.295
And then it, you know,
and then I realized

794
00:39:01.426 --> 00:39:03.863
he was like, "Come on.
Take it seriously."

795
00:39:05.430 --> 00:39:06.953
I knew what he wanted to hear.

796
00:39:07.083 --> 00:39:08.911
So, you gotta give that
to your partner sometimes.

797
00:39:09.042 --> 00:39:11.261
So I said,
"Uh, listen...

798
00:39:11.392 --> 00:39:13.263
no matter what happens...

799
00:39:13.394 --> 00:39:14.961
for as long
as I walk this planet

800
00:39:15.091 --> 00:39:17.398
there will be one man
who calls me his wife...

801
00:39:17.529 --> 00:39:18.747
and that's you."

802
00:39:18.878 --> 00:39:20.619
'Cause what
am I supposed to say?

803
00:39:20.749 --> 00:39:22.447
"Oh, give me Mike's number
in case you're in a coma"?

804
00:39:26.015 --> 00:39:28.714
You might be comatose
so I don't know...

805
00:39:32.631 --> 00:39:34.284
"You will be my only husband."

806
00:39:34.415 --> 00:39:36.374
And you could tell
he was relieved.

807
00:39:36.504 --> 00:39:38.637
But I will bang a lot of people.

808
00:39:38.767 --> 00:39:40.465
-Um...

809
00:39:40.595 --> 00:39:43.250
'Cause I didn't
when I was a kid, okay?

810
00:39:43.381 --> 00:39:45.731
Millennials, uh,
you don't slut shame,

811
00:39:45.861 --> 00:39:48.821
-we slut shamed a lot. A lot.

812
00:39:48.951 --> 00:39:50.866
Not only were there afterschool
specials about it,

813
00:39:50.997 --> 00:39:53.478
quite frankly, they could take
your home number.

814
00:39:53.608 --> 00:39:55.393
You didn't even have to do
anything wrong.

815
00:39:55.523 --> 00:39:59.048
Someone could get mad at you
and put your home number

816
00:39:59.179 --> 00:40:02.051
in a boys bathroom
and it would say,

817
00:40:02.182 --> 00:40:05.272
"For a good time call,"
right?

818
00:40:05.403 --> 00:40:07.361
And that didn't mean,
"Oh, we'll sit around

819
00:40:07.492 --> 00:40:10.146
and we'll talk about books
and stuff like that."

820
00:40:10.277 --> 00:40:13.149
And they would call your house.

821
00:40:13.280 --> 00:40:17.632
Not your Instagram account.
Not your Facebook page.

822
00:40:17.763 --> 00:40:20.896
Not your cell phone.
They would call your house

823
00:40:21.027 --> 00:40:23.159
where there was usually
one phone and my grandmother

824
00:40:23.290 --> 00:40:25.771
answered the phone
like it was her job.

825
00:40:25.901 --> 00:40:28.774
-Like she was the operator.

826
00:40:28.904 --> 00:40:32.691
And in her little, Italian mind
she could never understand

827
00:40:32.821 --> 00:40:35.607
that a stranger would call us
and we might not

828
00:40:35.737 --> 00:40:40.176
know who that person is.
She never believed it.

829
00:40:40.307 --> 00:40:42.091
I remember this one time
someone did that to me.

830
00:40:42.222 --> 00:40:44.616
I don't know what it was over
and, uh, she was like,

831
00:40:44.746 --> 00:40:47.183
"This--This man he want-a
talk to you."

832
00:40:47.314 --> 00:40:48.924
I go,
"I don't know who that is."

833
00:40:49.055 --> 00:40:52.580
-"He say he know you."

834
00:40:52.711 --> 00:40:54.539
"Nona,
I don't know who that--"

835
00:40:54.669 --> 00:40:57.585
-"He say you do a good job."

836
00:40:59.326 --> 00:41:01.720
I didn't say that.
You said that in your head.

837
00:41:01.850 --> 00:41:03.852
-Not me.

838
00:41:07.203 --> 00:41:10.380
Don't you think everything
has become sexualized?

839
00:41:10.511 --> 00:41:12.034
I think everything--
That's the other thing.

840
00:41:12.165 --> 00:41:13.775
Like,
I think we did it to ourselves.

841
00:41:13.906 --> 00:41:15.777
You want to have equality...

842
00:41:15.908 --> 00:41:18.519
and I know you do,
right?

843
00:41:18.650 --> 00:41:21.391
But you can't--You gotta stop
sexualizing everything.

844
00:41:21.522 --> 00:41:25.395
You can't ask for equal wo--
equal pay for equal work

845
00:41:25.526 --> 00:41:27.789
and then read
Fifty Shades of Grey.

846
00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:30.400
-Come on, you know that!

847
00:41:30.531 --> 00:41:32.881
You can't do that kind of stuff.
That's the difference.

848
00:41:33.012 --> 00:41:35.362
Because you wanna know why?
Then you gotta have a safe word.

849
00:41:35.493 --> 00:41:37.756
What is that?
I don't--

850
00:41:37.886 --> 00:41:39.801
Wanna know what my safe word is?
"Get the hell off of me."

851
00:41:39.932 --> 00:41:44.023
-How about that?

852
00:41:44.153 --> 00:41:46.808
You can't do that to yourself.

853
00:41:46.939 --> 00:41:49.942
But I think that that's
a different story now, too,

854
00:41:50.072 --> 00:41:52.118
because safe word is now
from those books!

855
00:41:52.248 --> 00:41:54.860
They are part of the vernacular
now because we have

856
00:41:54.990 --> 00:41:58.037
now adopted
a sexualized culture.

857
00:41:58.167 --> 00:42:01.040
That's where--where a safe word
'cause people are apparently

858
00:42:01.170 --> 00:42:05.044
getting their head banged
against the headboard so hard

859
00:42:05.174 --> 00:42:08.874
that their skull splits and
their brains come flying out.

860
00:42:10.571 --> 00:42:12.486
I said to my husband,
"If you could do that,

861
00:42:12.617 --> 00:42:16.534
-why would I stop you?"

862
00:42:16.664 --> 00:42:20.102
-We're all gonna die.

863
00:42:20.233 --> 00:42:22.888
"What happened to Tammy?"
"Well, she came and she went."

864
00:42:30.852 --> 00:42:33.115
That's why I told you,
"Don't bring kids."

865
00:42:33.246 --> 00:42:35.335
I'm not dirty,
but I'm a grown-up.

866
00:42:35.465 --> 00:42:37.424
Some things are for grown-ups.

867
00:42:37.555 --> 00:42:40.209
Some things--There's a different
life now as a grown-up.

868
00:42:40.340 --> 00:42:42.168
You have to think about things
a little bit more.

869
00:42:42.298 --> 00:42:46.868
When we were kids they didn't
put ratings on movies, right?

870
00:42:46.999 --> 00:42:49.175
We didn't have any ratings.
We went to see Jaws.

871
00:42:49.305 --> 00:42:50.524
Didn't know it was rated R

872
00:42:50.655 --> 00:42:52.091
'cause they
didn't care about us.

873
00:42:53.745 --> 00:42:56.312
Jawswas a game changer,
by the way.

874
00:42:56.443 --> 00:43:00.447
Jawsis why
our whole generation...

875
00:43:00.578 --> 00:43:03.755
is fascinated with sharks.

876
00:43:03.885 --> 00:43:05.887
Because of Jaws.

877
00:43:06.018 --> 00:43:08.847
Because that was--I mean, like,
I love Shark Week.

878
00:43:08.977 --> 00:43:11.153
Anything that has to do with it.
And you have to watch

879
00:43:11.284 --> 00:43:14.374
what you say on social media now
'cause people's crazy comes out

880
00:43:14.504 --> 00:43:16.245
and there's
a written record of it.

881
00:43:16.376 --> 00:43:19.858
And I wrote--I said, um--
'cause there's this one beach

882
00:43:19.988 --> 00:43:23.644
that I watched on Shark Week,
uh, for four years--

883
00:43:23.775 --> 00:43:25.124
You know this?
You're getting excited about it?

884
00:43:25.254 --> 00:43:27.692
For four years on the same day
at the same time

885
00:43:27.822 --> 00:43:30.042
there's been a shark attack,
okay?

886
00:43:30.172 --> 00:43:32.305
And I--Yeah, for real.
That's true.

887
00:43:32.435 --> 00:43:34.307
I have super-human hearing.
Don't test me.

888
00:43:34.437 --> 00:43:37.223
-I don't have a lot of skills.

889
00:43:37.353 --> 00:43:39.529
Uh, dick punching,
super-human hearing,

890
00:43:39.660 --> 00:43:41.793
and I can tell the time
within seven minutes.

891
00:43:41.923 --> 00:43:44.883
-It's a weird thing.

892
00:43:45.013 --> 00:43:48.277
That Shark Week thing,
and I wrote on social media.

893
00:43:48.408 --> 00:43:53.195
I said, uh, "If you take someone
to that beach on that day,

894
00:43:53.326 --> 00:43:55.589
there's someone in your family
you wanna take out."

895
00:43:55.720 --> 00:43:58.418
-Right? Stupid, little joke.

896
00:43:58.548 --> 00:44:01.595
But I engaged someone's crazy
and this lady lost her mind.

897
00:44:01.726 --> 00:44:03.162
And she goes,
"Oh, you think that's funny?

898
00:44:03.292 --> 00:44:05.991
A murder is funny to you?
A shark attack?

899
00:44:06.121 --> 00:44:07.819
What kind of person are you?
You must be sick.

900
00:44:07.949 --> 00:44:09.342
There must be something
wrong with you.

901
00:44:09.472 --> 00:44:10.691
What would you do?

902
00:44:10.822 --> 00:44:12.562
What if it was
someone in your family?"

903
00:44:12.693 --> 00:44:15.130
And finally I wrote her back.
I was like, "Specifically who?"

904
00:44:15.261 --> 00:44:17.089
-Uh...

905
00:44:17.219 --> 00:44:19.004
'Cause you
have to know that if you engage

906
00:44:19.134 --> 00:44:20.570
someone's crazy
you better make sure

907
00:44:20.701 --> 00:44:23.182
that your crazy
outweighs their crazy.

908
00:44:23.312 --> 00:44:25.924
-'Cause I come from a long line.

909
00:44:26.054 --> 00:44:27.882
It's generational crazy.

910
00:44:28.013 --> 00:44:30.406
In my house if
someone was attacked by a shark

911
00:44:30.537 --> 00:44:33.192
and they survived,
they'd be pissed that the shark

912
00:44:33.322 --> 00:44:35.324
-didn't finish the job.

913
00:44:35.455 --> 00:44:38.719
'Cause the first time
they showed up for the holidays

914
00:44:38.850 --> 00:44:40.852
after the shark attack,
the whole family

915
00:44:40.982 --> 00:44:43.898
would just be like

916
00:44:46.205 --> 00:44:48.033
To-doo To-doo.
♪ Du nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu

917
00:45:00.741 --> 00:45:02.612
"Look, it's Uncle
We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat."

918
00:45:02.743 --> 00:45:05.790
You know, it's a...
different time.

919
00:45:05.920 --> 00:45:08.793
We would go see--
We would go see movies.

920
00:45:08.923 --> 00:45:10.490
We went to see movies that--
how did we go?

921
00:45:10.620 --> 00:45:13.232
We didn't go to cinemas really.
Went to the drive-in.

922
00:45:13.362 --> 00:45:15.147
You remember the drive-in?

923
00:45:15.277 --> 00:45:17.584
The drive-in.
Public place to see a movie

924
00:45:17.715 --> 00:45:20.065
that your whole family would go
and your parents would tell you,

925
00:45:20.195 --> 00:45:22.589
"We're going to the drive-in,
go put your pajamas on."

926
00:45:24.634 --> 00:45:26.898
-To go in public.

927
00:45:27.028 --> 00:45:28.726
They would tell you to put
your pajamas on

928
00:45:28.856 --> 00:45:32.642
in case you fell asleep
in the car

929
00:45:32.773 --> 00:45:36.255
so you'd be comfortable
when they left you in the car.

930
00:45:38.344 --> 00:45:41.521
You woke up in the driveway
at two o'clock in the morning

931
00:45:41.651 --> 00:45:44.524
scared to death to get in
or out of the--

932
00:45:44.654 --> 00:45:48.093
-You didn't know what to do.

933
00:45:48.223 --> 00:45:51.226
You can't leave
a kid in a car now.

934
00:45:51.357 --> 00:45:52.793
You can't leave a dog--

935
00:45:52.924 --> 00:45:54.447
You can't leave a
head of lettuce in the car.

936
00:45:56.449 --> 00:45:59.104
Someone will call somebody.

937
00:46:02.368 --> 00:46:06.328
Uh, my cousin's husband
left his phone in the car.

938
00:46:06.459 --> 00:46:08.983
Speaking of leaving stuff
in the car and, uh,

939
00:46:09.114 --> 00:46:12.465
she went through it 'cause
sometimes that's what people do.

940
00:46:14.075 --> 00:46:17.165
And, uh, she found
he had been sending...

941
00:46:17.296 --> 00:46:20.429
some pictures
of his private area

942
00:46:20.560 --> 00:46:22.649
to girls that he works with.

943
00:46:22.780 --> 00:46:25.695
It's horrible, right?
I know. I know.

944
00:46:25.826 --> 00:46:27.959
But can I just say this?

945
00:46:28.089 --> 00:46:30.439
I think, men,
we set you up for failure...

946
00:46:30.570 --> 00:46:32.311
-because we've given you

947
00:46:32.441 --> 00:46:35.488
the technology
while you still have your penis.

948
00:46:37.751 --> 00:46:39.971
You're gonna
do something with it.

949
00:46:40.101 --> 00:46:43.061
That's ju--I mean,
I'm sure there's an Amish dude

950
00:46:43.191 --> 00:46:45.672
right now tracing it
on a piece of parchment.

951
00:46:47.761 --> 00:46:51.069
Uh, he's got
the candle behind him

952
00:46:51.199 --> 00:46:54.072
getting the proper glow.

953
00:46:54.202 --> 00:46:57.292
He's gotta dip the quill
in the inkwell.

954
00:46:57.423 --> 00:46:59.817
Then he's really gotta commit.
He rolls it up like a scroll

955
00:46:59.947 --> 00:47:02.515
and trots it over
to his girl's house.

956
00:47:04.343 --> 00:47:07.737
He knocks on the door.
"Herest thou goeth, Rebecca."

957
00:47:07.868 --> 00:47:10.218
-And Rebecca unrolls it

958
00:47:10.349 --> 00:47:12.612
and her bonnet flies off
and she can't churn butter

959
00:47:12.742 --> 00:47:15.920
correctly for a week.

960
00:47:16.050 --> 00:47:18.400
I told my husband,
"Don't ever do that."

961
00:47:18.531 --> 00:47:21.186
-No class or dignity with that.

962
00:47:21.316 --> 00:47:23.014
I don't need a picture
of your penis.

963
00:47:23.144 --> 00:47:25.538
-I own it.

964
00:47:25.668 --> 00:47:27.148
No one sends me a picture
of my house

965
00:47:27.279 --> 00:47:30.108
-when I'm out of town.

966
00:47:30.238 --> 00:47:33.851
Somehow, miraculously,
I end up in the same place.

967
00:47:33.981 --> 00:47:36.549
Plus, I got a kid
and my parents come over a lot

968
00:47:36.679 --> 00:47:38.768
and an Apple TV
and an iPhone, right?

969
00:47:38.899 --> 00:47:40.161
So,
then you know what happens.

970
00:47:40.292 --> 00:47:42.250
When your television's on a lull

971
00:47:42.381 --> 00:47:46.385
whatever's in your phone
shows up on your TV.

972
00:47:46.515 --> 00:47:48.648
-I don't have to explain that.

973
00:47:48.778 --> 00:47:52.043
-"Uh...

974
00:47:52.173 --> 00:47:55.873
yeah, that's just a weird
rock formation in Sedona.

975
00:47:56.003 --> 00:47:58.179
That's why I took the picture."

976
00:47:58.310 --> 00:48:01.574
-It was different.

977
00:48:01.704 --> 00:48:03.054
Just different
when we were kids.

978
00:48:03.184 --> 00:48:04.794
We didn't have
to worry about that stuff.

979
00:48:04.925 --> 00:48:07.014
All we did was we, you know,
we went with our family.

980
00:48:07.145 --> 00:48:08.842
We went back
to the drive-in

981
00:48:08.973 --> 00:48:10.626
that's where we were
in our pajamas.

982
00:48:10.757 --> 00:48:12.672
You'd go play
on a playground up front

983
00:48:12.802 --> 00:48:15.153
unless you'd seen
that afterschool special.

984
00:48:16.894 --> 00:48:19.461
Then you'd stay in the car
with your parents.

985
00:48:19.592 --> 00:48:22.073
They had one speaker
for the car.

986
00:48:22.203 --> 00:48:24.205
For the whole car.
One speaker...

987
00:48:24.336 --> 00:48:28.253
that went by your father.
He was deaf anyway.

988
00:48:29.994 --> 00:48:31.560
Halfway through the movie,
he'd get mad.

989
00:48:31.691 --> 00:48:33.432
"Put it away.
This stupid thing!"

990
00:48:33.562 --> 00:48:35.216
And you're like,
"Daddy, I can't hear."

991
00:48:35.347 --> 00:48:37.479
-"Yes, you can!"

992
00:48:37.610 --> 00:48:39.438
"No, I cannot."

993
00:48:39.568 --> 00:48:42.267
"Go play on that playground."

994
00:48:42.397 --> 00:48:45.923
Which was fun
'cause it was all kids

995
00:48:46.053 --> 00:48:48.795
then the movie would start.
How would it start?

996
00:48:48.926 --> 00:48:51.102
How would you know?
It got dark, right?

997
00:48:51.232 --> 00:48:53.626
You'd have
to try to find your car.

998
00:48:55.845 --> 00:48:58.500
But it's dark.
Even if the lights were on,

999
00:48:58.631 --> 00:49:02.113
you were only three-foot high.
The headlights burned

1000
00:49:02.243 --> 00:49:03.679
-your retinas out.

1001
00:49:03.810 --> 00:49:05.203
That's why no one
in my generation

1002
00:49:05.333 --> 00:49:07.466
can see anything anymore.

1003
00:49:07.596 --> 00:49:11.209
You'd be wandering.
"Mommy!

1004
00:49:11.339 --> 00:49:14.299
Mom!"

1005
00:49:14.429 --> 00:49:17.128
And 100 women
would lean out the window.

1006
00:49:17.258 --> 00:49:20.174
-"Over here!"

1007
00:49:20.305 --> 00:49:22.655
You couldn't differentiate
your mother's voice.

1008
00:49:22.785 --> 00:49:24.352
And they didn't get out of
the car 'cause they didn't care.

1009
00:49:24.483 --> 00:49:26.833
You were wandering around
like little, mini Moses'

1010
00:49:26.964 --> 00:49:29.618
-the whole movie.

1011
00:49:29.749 --> 00:49:31.925
Jawsmade me--
Here's what I want you to know.

1012
00:49:32.056 --> 00:49:34.884
Take this.
If you have learned anything

1013
00:49:35.015 --> 00:49:38.062
from me,
then you're beyond a genius,

1014
00:49:38.192 --> 00:49:40.760
but, uh--'cause I wasn't really
teaching you anything.

1015
00:49:40.890 --> 00:49:42.936
But here's what I would say.

1016
00:49:43.067 --> 00:49:46.418
This is one thing.
I know who I am.

1017
00:49:46.548 --> 00:49:47.985
I know who I am.

1018
00:49:48.115 --> 00:49:50.683
Like, that's why
nothing can shake me.

1019
00:49:50.813 --> 00:49:52.815
You can call me
anything in the world.

1020
00:49:52.946 --> 00:49:55.557
I have to believe you,
okay?

1021
00:49:55.688 --> 00:49:57.907
That's why bullying
doesn't work on people

1022
00:49:58.038 --> 00:50:00.606
who are strong in who they are.
Know who you are.

1023
00:50:00.736 --> 00:50:03.000
Figure it out.
Like, I want you to laugh.

1024
00:50:03.130 --> 00:50:05.915
I want you to enjoy it,
but you don't have to.

1025
00:50:06.046 --> 00:50:07.656
You only need
a certain number of friends.

1026
00:50:07.787 --> 00:50:10.920
You need like--
You need a 3:00 a.m. friend.

1027
00:50:11.051 --> 00:50:13.401
Someone who you can call
at three o'clock in the morning

1028
00:50:13.532 --> 00:50:15.229
and they'll show up
with a shovel and bail money

1029
00:50:15.360 --> 00:50:17.623
-no questions asked.

1030
00:50:17.753 --> 00:50:19.059
And you need yourself.

1031
00:50:19.190 --> 00:50:20.800
You need
to like yourself enough.

1032
00:50:20.930 --> 00:50:23.672
And I learned everything
I needed to know

1033
00:50:23.803 --> 00:50:27.067
when I was four years old
and we went to see Jaws.

1034
00:50:27.198 --> 00:50:29.939
Jawsis what made me tough
'cause I'll never forget.

1035
00:50:30.070 --> 00:50:31.550
What happens in that
first scene? What happens?

1036
00:50:31.680 --> 00:50:34.248
Does anyone remember?
Bueller?

1037
00:50:36.903 --> 00:50:38.992
What happens
that first scene?

1038
00:50:39.123 --> 00:50:41.473
The woman
takes off her clothes...

1039
00:50:41.603 --> 00:50:43.127
jumps in the water...

1040
00:50:43.257 --> 00:50:45.607
gets eaten by the shark.

1041
00:50:45.738 --> 00:50:50.308
-Spoiler alert, by the way.

1042
00:50:50.438 --> 00:50:52.919
Welcome from your coma
if you haven't seen it.

1043
00:50:55.400 --> 00:50:56.966
Or you're Amish
and you're here.

1044
00:50:59.708 --> 00:51:01.362
What happens
in that first scene?

1045
00:51:01.493 --> 00:51:03.060
She gets eaten and then the--
then just the hand.

1046
00:51:03.190 --> 00:51:06.846
Remember that?
The severed hand on the beach.

1047
00:51:06.976 --> 00:51:08.848
You know
that that's the most powerful

1048
00:51:08.978 --> 00:51:10.328
scene in the history
of film right there?

1049
00:51:10.458 --> 00:51:12.591
Do you know that?
They voted on it.

1050
00:51:12.721 --> 00:51:14.810
With the crab crawling up it

1051
00:51:14.941 --> 00:51:16.943
and seaweed wrapped around
the red fingernail.

1052
00:51:17.074 --> 00:51:18.423
You remember that?

1053
00:51:18.553 --> 00:51:20.599
Makes you feel some kinda way
right now.

1054
00:51:22.296 --> 00:51:25.386
-I was four.

1055
00:51:25.517 --> 00:51:27.562
My brain
couldn't comprehend that

1056
00:51:27.693 --> 00:51:30.565
and breathe at the same time.

1057
00:51:30.696 --> 00:51:32.828
I was like, .

1058
00:51:32.959 --> 00:51:35.918
I was in feet pajamas
for God's sake, people.

1059
00:51:36.049 --> 00:51:38.312
-Okay?

1060
00:51:38.443 --> 00:51:40.227
And that's when I became
who you see

1061
00:51:40.358 --> 00:51:43.361
'cause my mother reached into
that fear and she said the words

1062
00:51:43.491 --> 00:51:45.841
that would change my life.
She held me and she said,

1063
00:51:45.972 --> 00:51:48.975
"That's what happens
when you swim naked with boys."

1064
00:51:50.803 --> 00:51:53.066
I'm Tammy Pescatelli.
Thank you so much!

1065
00:51:53.197 --> 00:51:55.068
Good night.
God bless you all.

1066
00:51:55.199 --> 00:51:57.070
Good night.
Thank you very much.

1067
00:51:57.201 --> 00:52:00.160
I appreciate it.
Aww.

1068
00:52:00.291 --> 00:52:03.816
-You guys.

1069
00:52:03.946 --> 00:52:06.297
Thank you.

1070
00:52:06.427 --> 00:52:08.647
Thank you so much.

1071
00:52:08.777 --> 00:52:10.257
Thank you.

1072
00:52:10.388 --> 00:52:12.346
Bye, you guys.

1073
00:52:14.000 --> 00:52:15.871
Thank you.

1074
00:52:18.396 --> 00:52:21.877
♪ She's a funny lady

1075
00:52:22.008 --> 00:52:25.011
♪ Who can make you laugh

1076
00:52:25.142 --> 00:52:26.926
♪ Bring a smile to your lips

1077
00:52:27.056 --> 00:52:29.058
♪ A thrill to your heart

1078
00:52:29.189 --> 00:52:31.583
♪ And make it last

1079
00:52:31.713 --> 00:52:34.716
♪ She's a lucky lady

1080
00:52:34.847 --> 00:52:37.502
♪ Always goes first class

1081
00:52:37.632 --> 00:52:40.069
♪ She's a funny lady

1082
00:52:40.200 --> 00:52:42.898
♪ Who makes you laugh

1083
00:52:44.726 --> 00:52:47.773
♪ She'll take away
your sorrows ♪

1084
00:52:47.903 --> 00:52:50.689
♪ Melt away your fears

1085
00:52:50.819 --> 00:52:54.040
♪ You'll laugh until tomorrow

1086
00:52:54.171 --> 00:52:57.130
♪ Turn your tears
to cheers ♪

1087
00:52:57.261 --> 00:53:00.220
♪ She's a funny lady

1088
00:53:00.351 --> 00:53:03.310
♪ Says, "It is what it is"

1089
00:53:03.441 --> 00:53:05.617
♪ She's adonna desiderata ♪

1090
00:53:05.747 --> 00:53:08.663
♪ Who makes you laugh

1091
00:53:35.386 --> 00:53:39.041
♪ She's got a favorite saying

1092
00:53:39.172 --> 00:53:42.088
♪ Shares them old and new

1093
00:53:42.219 --> 00:53:45.134
♪ News from abroad
is her message ♪

1094
00:53:45.265 --> 00:53:48.225
♪ What the hell
is wrong with you? ♪

1095
00:53:48.355 --> 00:53:51.097
♪ She's a funny lady

1096
00:53:51.228 --> 00:53:54.535
♪ She's a classy lad

1097
00:53:54.666 --> 00:53:56.972
♪ She's that funny lady

1098
00:53:57.103 --> 00:54:01.063
♪ Who makes you laugh

1099
00:54:01.194 --> 00:54:03.501
♪ She's a funny lady

1100
00:54:03.631 --> 00:54:07.200
♪ Who makes you laugh

1101
00:54:13.293 --> 00:54:15.948
I...

1102
00:54:16.078 --> 00:54:18.211
Buddy,
I just wanted you to see

1103
00:54:18.342 --> 00:54:21.736
what happens when you
believe in your dreams.

1104
00:54:27.873 --> 00:54:30.789
Go back to Daddy.
Go back to Daddy.

1105
00:54:43.280 --> 00:54:46.370
And then I just--
There's so many people

1106
00:54:46.500 --> 00:54:49.677
that were a huge part
of this for me.

1107
00:54:49.808 --> 00:54:52.463
Of course, my husband,
Big Luca.

1108
00:54:52.593 --> 00:54:54.421
Look, I didn't realize
how I dressed them the same.

1109
00:54:54.552 --> 00:54:55.814
Isn't that funny
how you do that?

1110
00:54:58.251 --> 00:55:01.733
I named my son after my husband
to prepare for Alzheimer's.

1111
00:55:01.863 --> 00:55:03.909
-Hi, guys.

1112
00:55:04.039 --> 00:55:06.738
-Okay. No butt shots, though.

1113
00:55:06.868 --> 00:55:08.522
-Come up front. I'm too old.

1114
00:55:08.653 --> 00:55:12.004
You should've caught me
in my 20s.

1115
00:55:12.134 --> 00:55:14.702
Because what I had said
in 10th grade

1116
00:55:14.833 --> 00:55:17.662
to the Guidance Councilor
was I wanted to be an actress.

1117
00:55:17.792 --> 00:55:21.666
And she told me
"You're from here.

1118
00:55:23.929 --> 00:55:26.061
If you wanna be on TV,

1119
00:55:26.192 --> 00:55:28.237
you're probably
gonna have to rob a bank."

1120
00:55:29.935 --> 00:55:33.373
Which probably
would've been a smart idea.

1121
00:55:33.504 --> 00:55:37.290
Although, she was wrong.
People have been on TV

1122
00:55:37.421 --> 00:55:40.380
because, uh, years ago
there was a show

1123
00:55:40.511 --> 00:55:44.515
called Real People
and they came to Perry

1124
00:55:44.645 --> 00:55:46.604
and they filmed because--
Chief, I don't know

1125
00:55:46.734 --> 00:55:48.301
if it's still around anymore,
but they--

1126
00:55:48.432 --> 00:55:51.609
we used to have a cop dummy.

1127
00:55:53.219 --> 00:55:56.657
I'm not calling
a police officer a du--

1128
00:55:56.788 --> 00:55:58.180
I'm saying there was
a real dummy.

1129
00:55:58.311 --> 00:56:00.618
-Like a mannequin...

1130
00:56:00.748 --> 00:56:03.882
because we only had
two or three police officers

1131
00:56:04.012 --> 00:56:07.364
that they used to have
to dress up in a uniform

1132
00:56:07.494 --> 00:56:10.192
and park by the library.
That's the only place

1133
00:56:10.323 --> 00:56:13.152
-they parked that car.

1134
00:56:13.282 --> 00:56:15.807
I don't know why they thought
that the dummy couldn't drive

1135
00:56:15.937 --> 00:56:18.853
-somewhere else.

1136
00:56:22.683 --> 00:56:24.642
And they came
and showed the whole town.

1137
00:56:24.772 --> 00:56:28.254
Which we were proud and not
at the same time.

1138
00:56:33.651 --> 00:56:36.088
So, I gotta let that go.

1139
00:56:36.218 --> 00:56:40.788
Uh, but...
I am more than honored

1140
00:56:40.919 --> 00:56:44.575
and more than blessed
to have the love and support

1141
00:56:44.705 --> 00:56:46.881
of you guys.
Thank you all because

1142
00:56:47.012 --> 00:56:50.450
then after we said
we were doing it,

1143
00:56:50.581 --> 00:56:54.541
-you showed up.

1144
00:56:54.672 --> 00:56:56.543
Yeah.