WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:15.760 Reese: Picture this if you will.... 4 00:00:15.760 --> 00:00:19.720 It had been three days. And the last drop of water I'd had was to 5 00:00:19.720 --> 00:00:25.060 wash down the sacred cactus that I received from father crow. 6 00:00:25.200 --> 00:00:30.980 There I am, riding a burro dick-first into the belly of Death Valley 7 00:00:31.060 --> 00:00:35.660 when all of a sudden the great snake, Quetzalcoatl, cracked the sky like a son of a- 8 00:00:35.660 --> 00:00:38.560 Christian: Shut up, shut up, he's turning, he's turning. 9 00:00:38.660 --> 00:00:41.080 Reese: Yeah, we don't have to talk about it right now. 10 00:00:42.460 --> 00:00:45.600 We've been following this subject for the past two hours 11 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:49.420 He hasn't caught on to us yet. if we could follow him back to his house that 12 00:00:49.420 --> 00:00:53.500 would be a big deal because as of right now nobody knows where he lives. 13 00:00:54.440 --> 00:00:56.580 Alright. All clear. 14 00:02:01.720 --> 00:02:04.280 Christian: Shut up for a minute, okay? 15 00:02:05.180 --> 00:02:06.480 We're here. 16 00:02:29.140 --> 00:02:31.220 Christian: Go go go go! 17 00:02:52.640 --> 00:02:57.080 Okay! if any of you made a fucking sound I will personally skin your face, 18 00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:00.460 Turn that skin into leather, and use that leather to sew your lip shut. 19 00:03:00.460 --> 00:03:03.900 Mike: Woah woah wait. Shouldn't we just knock first? 20 00:03:03.960 --> 00:03:05.600 Don't be chickenshit, Mike. 21 00:03:05.600 --> 00:03:07.100 Yeah, Mike. 22 00:03:07.100 --> 00:03:08.980 Yeah, Mike! 23 00:03:16.360 --> 00:03:20.040 I'm sorry. That was really inappropriate of me. 24 00:03:39.260 --> 00:03:42.820 Christian: What the... fuck? 25 00:03:45.500 --> 00:03:48.000 Where's that coming from? 26 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:49.600 Reese: you hear that too? 27 00:04:01.960 --> 00:04:04.520 Out of the way! Out of the way! Mr. Wood! 28 00:04:04.840 --> 00:04:07.540 Will Wood: What the f***? Who the f*** are you? Who are you? What the f***? No, get that the f*** out of my face 29 00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:10.100 Christian: I just want to ask you a couple - 30 00:04:10.600 --> 00:04:11.460 No, get that the f*** out of 31 00:04:11.600 --> 00:04:12.260 What are you doing? 32 00:04:12.260 --> 00:04:14.880 Christian:For this documentary we're making about you. Will: No no no no no no stop stop stop 33 00:04:14.880 --> 00:04:17.400 Christian: If you could just come out of the tub for a second I won't take a lot of your time 34 00:04:19.640 --> 00:04:21.100 Christian: Five minutes of your time! 35 00:04:21.200 --> 00:04:22.980 Christian: We're making a documentary... Will: Ow! 36 00:04:22.980 --> 00:04:24.360 Now it's kicking in! 37 00:08:07.320 --> 00:08:11.820 I'm Christian Dunning, documentarian. Documentarian and founder of Danger Baby Films. 38 00:08:13.100 --> 00:08:16.640 I've directed several noteworthy investigative features, including Peanut Boy: A Lifestyle 39 00:08:17.660 --> 00:08:19.960 Film festival favorite The Lonely Eyes 40 00:08:19.980 --> 00:08:22.100 And Fuck Dog. 41 00:08:22.860 --> 00:08:28.480 I've always been fascinated by fringe individuals. Subcultures. The enigmatic personalities who thrive 42 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:32.080 within the shadows of society, unhindered by the status quo. 43 00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:35.280 And in the underbelly of the living, breathing organism that is the state of New Jersey 44 00:08:35.280 --> 00:08:38.360 One man is setting out to create a world of his own. 45 00:08:38.400 --> 00:08:42.840 Guiding his cult-like followers into a world outside of what we perceive as real. 46 00:08:42.900 --> 00:08:47.460 Which begs the question: who is the real Will Wood? 47 00:08:47.940 --> 00:08:49.800 This is what we know. 48 00:08:49.860 --> 00:08:51.640 Will: I'm off my medication. 49 00:08:54.040 --> 00:08:55.960 Interviewer: Love this outfit. 50 00:08:55.960 --> 00:08:57.200 Will: thank you. 51 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.400 Maybe the fucking mood stabilizers aren't quite fucking working. 52 00:09:00.400 --> 00:09:03.540 Will : I wish you were my daughter, I wish you were my daughter, I wish you were my daughter. 53 00:09:03.540 --> 00:09:05.000 Interviewer: You're not on acid, are you? 54 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:08.880 Will Wood is a notoriously eccentric singer-songwriter with a growing cult following. 55 00:09:08.960 --> 00:09:13.680 But despite his increasing notoriety, it's almost impossible to find any definitive information about him. 56 00:09:13.680 --> 00:09:19.400 Different sources give different accounts on even the most basic facts of his life, he's been known to shy away from public appearances, 57 00:09:19.520 --> 00:09:24.380 And even his fans seem to know almost nothing about him. Who is the real Will Wood? 58 00:09:24.380 --> 00:09:27.220 He's a rap scallion of the highest order, do not trust this man. 59 00:09:27.220 --> 00:09:29.460 Damned if I know, damned if I could tell you. 60 00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:36.620 I don't know how to explain it. It's like just being you and me. Without being, uh, no doubt, by being pushed around by anybody else. 61 00:09:36.620 --> 00:09:38.860 Lives out in the woods, eating frozen waffles man, I don't know. 62 00:09:38.860 --> 00:09:40.860 He's out there man, real cat. 63 00:09:40.860 --> 00:09:42.260 I don't think anybody really knows. 64 00:09:42.280 --> 00:09:43.460 A mystery, an enigma. 65 00:09:43.460 --> 00:09:44.120 Exactly. 66 00:09:44.160 --> 00:09:46.160 Can't put it any other way. 67 00:09:46.780 --> 00:09:47.900 Which way are we going? 68 00:09:49.420 --> 00:09:51.100 I like your microphone. It's a nice touch. 69 00:09:51.100 --> 00:09:52.240 I'm excited to find out. 70 00:09:52.240 --> 00:09:53.700 That's a fancy camera, nice lights. 71 00:09:53.700 --> 00:09:54.700 Christian: Excuse me, sir? 72 00:09:54.700 --> 00:09:57.220 Well that's a horrifying question, I have no idea. 73 00:09:57.320 --> 00:09:58.540 He's the realest. 74 00:09:58.540 --> 00:09:59.460 He's not real! 75 00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:01.820 Excuse me sir, excuse me, who is the real Will Wood? 76 00:10:01.820 --> 00:10:02.680 Will: are you fucking-- 77 00:10:03.460 --> 00:10:05.460 Hello who is the Real Will Wood? 78 00:10:05.460 --> 00:10:06.280 What? 79 00:10:06.280 --> 00:10:07.280 Say something, Mike. 80 00:10:07.280 --> 00:10:08.120 Where am I? 81 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:09.620 Just make it up! 82 00:10:09.620 --> 00:10:10.640 Dude, come on. 83 00:10:10.640 --> 00:10:12.640 We need one shot. We need one shot! 84 00:10:12.640 --> 00:10:15.620 Mike! Mike! Mike! 85 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:23.720 What we do know is that he's between the ages of 22 and 28, and that he lives in New Jersey, with his most-likely adopted daughter. 86 00:10:23.720 --> 00:10:26.640 Who may or may not exist. 87 00:10:27.280 --> 00:10:29.560 And that's about all we know. 88 00:10:29.560 --> 00:10:32.360 But here at Danger Baby Films, we have a saying. 89 00:10:32.460 --> 00:10:35.260 You can't spell documentary without cum. 90 00:10:36.260 --> 00:10:37.500 Nope. 91 00:10:37.500 --> 00:10:40.940 No seriously, it's right there. D-O-C-U-M... 92 00:10:40.940 --> 00:10:44.460 The point is; we don't shy away from a challenge. 93 00:10:44.460 --> 00:10:45.780 It's right there. 94 00:10:45.780 --> 00:10:52.740 So when my curiosity got the better of me, I set out to answer that question. Who is the real Will-- 95 00:10:52.740 --> 00:10:54.940 I thought I was going to say it. 96 00:10:54.940 --> 00:10:57.700 Who is the real-- 97 00:10:58.880 --> 00:11:00.240 Who is-- 98 00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:03.540 The real Will Wood? 99 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:09.420 I thought I saw a ghost. 100 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:48.400 Well he was uh. He was uh. He was, he was carrying the 101 00:12:48.400 --> 00:12:51.720 skin of a cat that he grew up with and 102 00:12:51.720 --> 00:12:56.440 then had stuffed to preserve its memory in 103 00:12:56.440 --> 00:12:59.620 physical form but decided that with the 104 00:12:59.620 --> 00:13:07.440 skeleton inside the cat and all the stuff stuffing it it was too heavy so he removed the skin from the wireframe 105 00:13:07.560 --> 00:13:13.460 of the taxidermy thing and slung it around his neck like a scarf. And um. 106 00:13:17.420 --> 00:13:19.690 He was... 107 00:14:38.300 --> 00:14:43.350 I settled into a new mind in a flea-bitten tub-ring paradise of a queen size suite 108 00:14:43.350 --> 00:14:47.980 of a Wyndham Microtel Econolodge Red Roof Inn Knights Inn Super 8 whatever outside Richmond Virginia. 109 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:52.840 Curled up with an old Showtime softcore porno and flipped through my phone for a few hours. 110 00:14:53.040 --> 00:15:00.920 Picked up a bag of swedish fish and a fistful of chocolate-covered cherries and a pack of Marlboro next for three dollars and ninety cents in the bodega by the Waffle House. 111 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:05.460 I spun my eyes over the beautiful floral arrangements blooming and tessellating in the stucco on the walls. 112 00:15:05.460 --> 00:15:08.600 anything I figured to keep my mind off those goose bumps that were rising and squeaking and cracking and 113 00:15:08.700 --> 00:15:13.060 quacking and threatening anaphylaxis and asphyxiation with every sharp inhale that I took. 114 00:15:13.220 --> 00:15:16.140 With the threat of Stevens-Johnson syndrome behind my flesh. 115 00:15:16.140 --> 00:15:22.220 And I watched as my skin crawled upwards to form a flesh noose to hang me from the rafters of that place I had found myself in 116 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:28.240 And I watched as my epidermis took on the shape whatever I feared the most in that moment. And I sat there down in that 117 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:33.860 flytrap-ashtray contemplating my next move, and weighing out the pros and cons 118 00:15:33.980 --> 00:15:38.320 of every last rotten pulse. 119 00:15:38.360 --> 00:15:41.380 It was either Wilmington North Carolina or the nearest hospital. 120 00:16:19.560 --> 00:16:25.100 Kevin: Little-known fact, we used... I have a really old piano that we used for the recording. 121 00:16:25.380 --> 00:16:31.400 He broke it, from playing it too hard. And then there was somehow blood on the upper half of the keys from all the sliding. 122 00:16:31.860 --> 00:16:35.260 So, the blister juice... still haven't cleaned that off. 123 00:16:35.320 --> 00:16:38.960 I think the first day we had booked he didn't even show up? 124 00:16:39.220 --> 00:16:44.420 I tried to contact his people, could not get a response. Eventually somehow I got a hold of him. 125 00:16:44.560 --> 00:16:47.240 Can't remember how that happened but he said 126 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:50.600 he was using a different calendar. Like Mayan? I don't understand 127 00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:52.280 I don't know, we haven't let him back. 128 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:54.940 the whole time he was on stilts. so sometimes he would come 129 00:16:54.940 --> 00:16:58.780 with to the sessions in different characters and one time he was like a 130 00:16:58.780 --> 00:17:02.220 greaser type character and just acted like an asshole the whole time. He would 131 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:07.850 not get out of character, he would kick over garbage cans and not pick it up. 132 00:17:07.850 --> 00:17:10.800 Uh... I mean there's the infamous clown I mean that needs no explanation. 133 00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:20.320 what you have to do is become somebody other than what you thought you were in order to become somebody that somebody else could want 134 00:17:20.380 --> 00:17:23.880 He would nourish himself from this like, plastic bone. 135 00:17:24.080 --> 00:17:28.140 He brought like all these huge books and he had like four or five of those and he 136 00:17:28.460 --> 00:17:31.680 would just like have them all set up and he'd flip through them and when he left 137 00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:35.700 the room and I was able to go in there without him seeing me, without his entourage, 138 00:17:35.700 --> 00:17:41.720 I like quickly like glanced at them and there was nothing in there it was all blank. And I was just... 139 00:17:41.860 --> 00:17:43.500 That was weird to me. 140 00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:51.940 He would watch videos... I think it was YouTube about trains like old-timey train videos. Which is... 141 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:53.880 I don't know what that does for him. 142 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:56.440 he had like these weird little like gadgets that were like 143 00:17:56.680 --> 00:17:59.640 alarm clocks and he would hide them all 144 00:17:59.740 --> 00:18:04.660 around the room and I could never find them and they still go off and I can't find all of them, 145 00:18:04.780 --> 00:18:09.820 So I think he may have hid some in the walls when we were doing construction and now they're sealed up in there 146 00:18:09.820 --> 00:18:11.560 it's pretty fucking annoying 147 00:18:14.980 --> 00:18:18.880 I majored in Chinese literature at um... 148 00:18:19.260 --> 00:18:21.640 somebody name a college. 149 00:18:21.740 --> 00:18:24.680 He had an entourage of people with him and he was cloaked 150 00:18:24.900 --> 00:18:28.360 so when he went in the room I couldn't even see him. 151 00:18:30.100 --> 00:18:32.400 I don't know if I've met him yet. 152 00:18:32.560 --> 00:18:35.280 I don't have an identity, I have an aesthetic. 153 00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:40.920 He's incredible at basketball. Particularly three points. Nothing but net every time. 154 00:18:43.580 --> 00:18:45.300 I think he's a... 155 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:48.700 tall, but... 156 00:18:48.700 --> 00:18:50.360 but sad man. 157 00:23:09.320 --> 00:23:14.580 We're here at Roxy and Dukes, de facto home base for Will Wood and his cult. If you look through here-- 158 00:23:14.580 --> 00:23:20.160 Vernon: step lively breeders, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Hey Griffin, that doesn't go there. Stage left. Left. 159 00:23:20.160 --> 00:23:22.760 Christan: He is going to see us though, right? 160 00:23:22.760 --> 00:23:25.600 Vernon: Well I don't know, William doesn't exactly love doing interviews during his pre-show rituals so you 161 00:23:25.760 --> 00:23:27.440 have as much time as he's willing to give you. 162 00:23:27.520 --> 00:23:29.040 Christan: But he will see us? 163 00:23:29.040 --> 00:23:32.120 Vernon: Well I don't know, I haven't made an appointment in the 90 seconds that you've been here. 164 00:23:32.120 --> 00:23:33.840 Plus ever since his daughter showed up-- 165 00:23:33.840 --> 00:23:36.100 Okay, okay, so he does have a daughter, then. 166 00:23:36.100 --> 00:23:39.160 Of course he has a fucking daughter, what kind of a person would lie about have a daughter? 167 00:23:39.300 --> 00:23:43.260 Uh, this is my daughter, Millicent K. Wood. 168 00:23:44.540 --> 00:23:47.120 She is a few years old. 169 00:23:47.420 --> 00:23:55.440 And here she stands before you made of uh... uh... flesh. Um... and bones. 170 00:23:55.620 --> 00:23:56.960 And other gross... 171 00:23:56.980 --> 00:23:58.840 the things that inside the body. 172 00:23:58.840 --> 00:24:01.820 um alright that's enough you can go. Go. 173 00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:03.260 Seems kind of young? 174 00:24:03.260 --> 00:24:06.000 He's an old soul. He doesn't want public attention to do to Millie 175 00:24:06.060 --> 00:24:08.700 what it does so literally every other young girl the public eye. 176 00:24:08.800 --> 00:24:11.760 Constantly having to maintain parasocial relationships in your most formative years 177 00:24:11.860 --> 00:24:14.600 isn't exactly the best way to avoid developing a complex where you place 178 00:24:14.600 --> 00:24:17.440 too much self-worth on your value to others are some kind of commodity-- 179 00:24:17.520 --> 00:24:22.840 Hey Griffin! What the fuck are you doing with that par can? Yeah. I can see you. 180 00:24:23.800 --> 00:24:26.980 And need constant external validation to function emotionally 181 00:24:27.020 --> 00:24:30.060 And fill that void with whatever distracts you from its existence. 182 00:24:30.280 --> 00:24:32.700 As far as William's concerned sticking a camera in his face 183 00:24:32.700 --> 00:24:34.820 is like offering his daughter cocaine. 184 00:24:35.580 --> 00:24:36.540 Anyways, he's through here. 185 00:24:36.700 --> 00:24:37.680 Thank you. 186 00:24:38.800 --> 00:24:40.800 Yeah, fine. 187 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:47.180 But as far as your boss is concerned; you're a fucking coke dealer. 188 00:24:51.640 --> 00:24:53.760 Hey Griffin, why don't you take five for lunch 189 00:24:53.760 --> 00:24:55.320 and eat shit? 190 00:24:56.260 --> 00:24:57.860 Wait, did you say she has cocaine? 191 00:24:57.880 --> 00:24:58.540 No, Reese. 192 00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:00.540 Okay. 193 00:25:01.500 --> 00:25:04.480 Mr. Wood? Christian Dunning, documentarian. I'd like to-- 194 00:25:09.420 --> 00:25:11.640 What is this? 195 00:25:12.100 --> 00:25:16.340 Traditional Yogic pose. Looks like Kundalini's reawakening exercise. 196 00:25:18.300 --> 00:25:19.640 It's fucking weird 197 00:25:19.780 --> 00:25:20.980 Mike: we're rolling. 198 00:25:21.360 --> 00:25:23.840 You've been known for defying genre. 199 00:25:24.080 --> 00:25:27.720 Uh, you've been compared to Tom Waits, Elton John, My Chemical Romance... 200 00:25:27.860 --> 00:25:31.100 where do you find your influences? 201 00:25:37.320 --> 00:25:42.580 So uh...it's been half an hour and uh... 202 00:25:46.920 --> 00:25:52.540 I just saw you break into somebody's house I am not gonna sit here and indulge you 203 00:25:52.720 --> 00:25:55.740 idea that you're fucking enlightened or whatever. 204 00:25:59.800 --> 00:26:05.420 I know you can hear me you little shit. I know you can hear me fuckface. 205 00:26:09.240 --> 00:26:11.580 I can't take this shit. Come on Siddhartha. 206 00:26:11.580 --> 00:26:13.900 I can't take this shit. Hey shithead. 207 00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:15.420 I can't take this shit. 208 00:26:15.500 --> 00:26:17.140 Time to be here now, Ram Dass. 209 00:26:17.140 --> 00:26:19.240 I won't take this shit! 210 00:26:19.400 --> 00:26:21.420 Mike where's my klonopin? 211 00:26:21.420 --> 00:26:22.660 Mike: I, uh... 212 00:26:22.660 --> 00:26:24.440 Did you not bring my fucking klonopin? 213 00:26:24.440 --> 00:26:25.520 Mike: I didn't know I was supposed to... 214 00:26:25.640 --> 00:26:27.820 Great. Fucking great model employee Mike. 215 00:26:27.820 --> 00:26:29.440 Mike: You never... paid me... 216 00:26:29.440 --> 00:26:31.120 Reese: you want a bump dude? 217 00:26:31.120 --> 00:26:32.040 Where did you get that? 218 00:26:32.040 --> 00:26:32.860 The coke dealer. 219 00:26:32.860 --> 00:26:34.240 Mike: I don't think you should be-- 220 00:26:34.360 --> 00:26:35.320 Hey, shut the fuck up, Mike. 221 00:26:35.320 --> 00:26:36.420 Yeah, Mike! 222 00:26:36.420 --> 00:26:38.220 You too you fucking goblin! 223 00:26:38.220 --> 00:26:40.380 everyone of you is a fucking goblin you 224 00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:42.480 know that? Just...just...this is the problem 225 00:26:42.540 --> 00:26:45.440 no one here is willing to do anything more than the bare fucking minimum. 226 00:26:45.580 --> 00:26:49.940 Just passing off responsibility to everybody but themselves like... 227 00:26:50.180 --> 00:26:51.820 Like a fucking goblin! 228 00:26:52.520 --> 00:26:55.800 You're a goblin, you're all fucking goblins! 229 00:26:55.800 --> 00:26:58.620 I'm surrounded by goblins! 230 00:27:05.760 --> 00:27:08.900 Okay. Okay. 231 00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:20.440 Yeah if you could just get here as soon as possible. 232 00:27:20.520 --> 00:27:24.180 I think he's concussed. There's a lot of blood. 233 00:27:24.340 --> 00:27:27.640 All right. Yeah. Please hurry. Thanks so much. 234 00:27:29.700 --> 00:27:32.440 Pizza will be here in 15. 235 00:31:58.940 --> 00:32:01.180 Do you still like me? I'm feeling very vulnerable. 236 00:32:08.340 --> 00:32:09.940 Audience member: Fuck! 237 00:32:11.900 --> 00:32:15.040 I no longer feel safe. 238 00:32:15.780 --> 00:32:18.640 Will can handle hecklers with the best of them 239 00:32:18.640 --> 00:32:24.400 Will: Fuck you that fucking sucks dude! That was all bad notes! 240 00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:28.020 No talent! No talent! No talent! 241 00:32:28.260 --> 00:32:30.400 He is just calm and cool. 242 00:32:30.780 --> 00:32:33.460 I would rather be drawn and quartered by neo-nazis riding the backs of 243 00:32:33.460 --> 00:32:37.420 wildebeests then listen to another unholy marriage of consonant and vowel 244 00:32:37.420 --> 00:32:39.380 coming out of that foul hole you call mouth. 245 00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:42.760 He never loses the levity. 246 00:32:43.000 --> 00:32:46.460 That's the fucking dumbest thing I ever heard. You gotta shut the fuck up who the hell are you? 247 00:32:46.460 --> 00:32:47.640 Whatever I already have your money. 248 00:32:47.760 --> 00:32:52.620 When he's saying something on stage he really likes when the fans yell really loud. 249 00:32:52.620 --> 00:32:58.260 yeah that is the best contribution I've heard all night! 250 00:32:58.460 --> 00:33:01.560 Because um... it's an interruption of the 251 00:33:01.560 --> 00:33:04.560 thing that he worked so hard to produce 252 00:33:04.560 --> 00:33:07.200 Thank you so much. You taught me something. 253 00:33:07.360 --> 00:33:12.060 So he really enjoys the feeling of that sort of being snatched from his clutches. 254 00:33:17.180 --> 00:33:22.200 Will put into place and name-your-own-price policy for merchandise. 255 00:33:26.360 --> 00:33:28.640 It was a short trial run. 256 00:33:43.280 --> 00:33:46.400 My balls are wet so. That usually means my work is done. 257 00:33:49.460 --> 00:33:51.280 Will Wood is a f***ing lunatic. 258 00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:55.100 For those of you just tuning in yes those are teeth. 259 00:33:55.220 --> 00:33:56.580 Mike: Let's see 'em, how many did you get? 260 00:33:56.580 --> 00:33:58.080 Fan: He just has real teeth. 261 00:33:58.180 --> 00:33:59.240 Will is kind of strange. 262 00:33:59.300 --> 00:34:00.560 I have a few in my pocket. 263 00:34:00.700 --> 00:34:02.080 Wow! You got a lot! 264 00:34:02.720 --> 00:34:04.380 You definitely got more. 265 00:34:04.420 --> 00:34:05.800 Come here. 266 00:34:09.060 --> 00:34:11.400 Oh, where do I get the teeth? The internet. China. 267 00:34:11.500 --> 00:34:13.780 Welcome to the show, how you been, what's your name? 268 00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:16.480 Here I go, crowdsurfing. 269 00:34:16.740 --> 00:34:18.600 Let's open up this fucking pit. 270 00:34:31.180 --> 00:34:33.000 If you're not your worst behavior... 271 00:34:33.180 --> 00:34:34.300 Get the fuck out. 272 00:39:24.980 --> 00:39:28.600 Alright! Thanks to our tenacity, 273 00:39:28.840 --> 00:39:34.800 perseverance, and general strength of spirit we have moved forward! 274 00:39:34.800 --> 00:39:40.740 Undaunted by misfortune! we've secured another interview with Mr. Wood despite all the apparent 275 00:39:40.860 --> 00:39:45.760 challenges. Just took a little bit of persuasive language. 276 00:39:49.160 --> 00:39:51.420 You know, Reese can be difficult sometimes. 277 00:39:53.840 --> 00:39:54.920 No! 278 00:39:55.200 --> 00:39:56.840 Did I put it on the grill? 279 00:40:00.900 --> 00:40:07.440 He's a habitual user of barbiturates, hard stimulants, hallucinogens, and weed 280 00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:15.600 and he always breaks at least $100 worth of equipment per shoot but god damn it if Reese Van Krueger isn't the finest line producer I've ever met. 281 00:40:15.600 --> 00:40:18.180 Yes, good afternoon, this is Detective R.L. Stine 282 00:40:18.220 --> 00:40:22.060 with the Endicott Sheriff's Department. We have reason to believe that there may 283 00:40:22.060 --> 00:40:25.920 be a suspect in a high-level drug trafficking case currently at your 284 00:40:25.920 --> 00:40:32.380 facility. Has anyone checked in the last 24 hours with the name Will Wood? 285 00:40:34.000 --> 00:40:34.860 Okay. 286 00:40:35.440 --> 00:40:40.340 I'm gonna need a room number for the individual right away. Okay. 287 00:40:40.340 --> 00:40:46.220 dispatch is setting over units right now please stay where you are. Okay? 288 00:40:46.860 --> 00:40:49.480 Alright yes. Thank you. 289 00:40:50.440 --> 00:40:52.100 I'm very drunk, goodbye. 290 00:41:05.800 --> 00:41:06.700 Hi. Hello. 291 00:41:06.700 --> 00:41:08.320 Stranger: Movie movie movie? 292 00:41:08.320 --> 00:41:09.480 Reese: Yeah. 293 00:41:13.300 --> 00:41:20.600 Holy shit, it's open. Okay. Mike don't fuck this up for me again, okay? Do you understand? 294 00:41:21.120 --> 00:41:26.340 I will fuck your dad. 295 00:41:28.180 --> 00:41:32.120 Will: Beautiful fucking tits, I'm Johnny Depp god damnit, just watch me d-- oh. 296 00:43:30.300 --> 00:43:31.340 Will: Ahh. 297 00:43:31.840 --> 00:43:41.360 So it ends as it begins. I I know things haven't been perfect. 298 00:43:41.380 --> 00:43:53.740 Let's face it it's been weird. if anything I blame myself. For not keeping my spirit my mind present. So... 299 00:43:53.740 --> 00:43:57.080 I'm an open book. Go ahead. 300 00:43:57.080 --> 00:44:03.360 Ask me anything. Whatever you'd like to know. I'm all yours. 301 00:44:03.820 --> 00:44:05.720 Okay! 302 00:44:06.140 --> 00:44:07.980 Okay, good! Um... 303 00:44:13.680 --> 00:44:15.520 Will: What's up dude? 304 00:44:16.140 --> 00:44:18.020 Uh uhh I don't know know, I... 305 00:44:19.960 --> 00:44:22.820 D-do you... 306 00:44:22.820 --> 00:44:24.700 Yeah? 307 00:44:42.600 --> 00:44:43.500 Horseshit! 308 00:49:24.740 --> 00:49:28.740 B-b-buh buh-boxers or briefs? 309 00:49:29.020 --> 00:49:31.420 What the fuck was that? 310 00:49:31.440 --> 00:49:34.440 I don't know! I just looked into that fucking eye on his forehead and all I can think about was 311 00:49:34.440 --> 00:49:36.080 like, face paint and saxophones. 312 00:49:38.080 --> 00:49:41.000 Um... have you... you ever kiss a girl? 313 00:49:41.000 --> 00:49:43.060 I've never fucking choked like that. 314 00:49:43.120 --> 00:49:44.880 I'm a fucking journalist goddamn it! 315 00:49:44.880 --> 00:49:47.360 Five and a half inches, average girth. 316 00:49:48.620 --> 00:49:50.780 uh what's what's average? 317 00:49:50.920 --> 00:49:54.839 He's psychic I know that sounds insane but it's like 318 00:49:54.839 --> 00:49:58.019 one second I am ready to expose the truth about this person and the next I'm 319 00:49:58.020 --> 00:50:00.060 a fucking mindless child! 320 00:50:07.080 --> 00:50:08.840 You know I'm not-- 321 00:50:09.400 --> 00:50:11.620 I just I just want to make something that people give a shit 322 00:50:11.620 --> 00:50:22.520 about you know like... I just like... like my... I feel like I have so much to say and 323 00:50:27.220 --> 00:50:30.180 Oh, sorry. 324 00:50:30.860 --> 00:50:34.500 This isn't over! This isn't over you hear me you fucking 325 00:50:34.620 --> 00:50:40.100 snake? I'm coming for you. I'm going to find out exactly who the real Will Wood is. 326 00:50:40.840 --> 00:50:42.480 Reese: Who? 327 00:50:46.380 --> 00:50:50.780 Why do you think you slapped me? 328 00:57:53.400 --> 00:57:55.560 Mike: are you sure you want us filming this? 329 00:58:11.560 --> 00:58:15.120 Ladies and gentlmen, boys, girls, neithers, boths and in-betweens -- 330 00:58:15.120 --> 00:58:18.520 Christian: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey bitch! 331 00:58:20.700 --> 00:58:23.140 Christian: Don't think I don't know you. 332 00:58:23.140 --> 00:58:31.540 Don't think I don't know you, okay? Okay, you're a fucking snake! You're a snake! 333 00:58:31.880 --> 00:58:37.920 Oh look! I'm Will Wood! I'm gonna do a bunch of random shit and nobody's gonna get it, no one's gonna know what's going on. 334 00:58:38.040 --> 00:58:43.120 Oh, I guess that makes it art! Fuck you! 335 00:58:47.600 --> 00:58:51.400 Fuckin... what do you, what do you think you are? okay I've been doing, do-- don't you touch me! 336 00:58:51.440 --> 00:58:56.900 Don't you fuck-- you're a fucking nobody! You're a fucking you... you know your place! 337 00:58:56.980 --> 00:59:02.120 I have been doing this all by the book, okay? I have done everything the 338 00:59:02.120 --> 00:59:07.380 way I'm supposed to do it and you're just fucking - who is who is the real 339 00:59:07.380 --> 00:59:12.060 Will Wood, huh? Who are you? Who are you? 340 00:59:15.280 --> 00:59:19.060 Who the fuck are you? 341 00:59:28.700 --> 00:59:30.380 Boo this motherfucker! 342 00:59:32.500 --> 00:59:38.859 Get the fuck offstage! Get this motherfucker off the stage! Come on, get the fuck off of here! 343 00:59:38.860 --> 00:59:43.160 Jesus Christ. We tend to attract a certain type. 344 00:59:43.740 --> 00:59:46.760 Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy! Fuck that guy! 345 00:59:46.920 --> 00:59:51.300 Thank you for your patience. Thank you everybody. I don't know what that was 346 01:02:44.780 --> 01:02:47.860 Christian Dunning, documentarian... 347 01:02:51.200 --> 01:02:54.960 Will: Get the fuck offstage! Get this motherfucker off stage! Come on! Get the fuck off of here! 348 01:02:57.540 --> 01:02:58.880 Jesus Christ. 349 01:02:59.880 --> 01:03:01.560 Audience: fuck that guy! 350 01:03:01.560 --> 01:03:04.200 Will: We tend to attract a certain type. 351 01:03:04.340 --> 01:03:05.700 Thank you for your pa-- 352 01:03:11.640 --> 01:03:17.540 So... do we keep this? 353 01:03:18.460 --> 01:03:20.280 We're done. 354 01:03:20.380 --> 01:03:21.760 Mike: What? 355 01:03:22.900 --> 01:03:25.340 We're done. I'm done. 356 01:03:26.900 --> 01:03:30.180 Turn the camera off. I'm done. 357 01:03:38.740 --> 01:03:42.400 So do we keep going? 358 01:03:53.940 --> 01:03:54.820 Hey! 359 01:03:54.820 --> 01:03:55.540 Fan: Hi? 360 01:03:55.540 --> 01:03:57.040 Reese: Who's the real Will Wood? 361 01:03:57.040 --> 01:03:57.900 Fan: What? 362 01:03:57.900 --> 01:03:58.900 Oh who the f*** knows? 363 01:03:58.900 --> 01:04:00.440 Who's the real Will Wood, bitch? 364 01:04:00.540 --> 01:04:04.200 You have no f*cking idea, huh? Are you blind, is that why you're wearing that? 365 01:04:04.280 --> 01:04:05.520 What's your name? 366 01:04:06.020 --> 01:04:07.700 Yeah, it doesn't matter. 367 01:04:08.020 --> 01:04:10.620 Who's the real Will Wood? Mike Bottiglieri: No more questions I don't want any questions. 368 01:04:10.800 --> 01:04:15.100 Want to dump this loser and go on home tonight? What's your name again? 369 01:04:15.100 --> 01:04:16.320 Gabby. 370 01:04:16.320 --> 01:04:19.160 Abby! That's a nice name, that's my sister's name. 371 01:04:19.160 --> 01:04:28.240 He's an idea formed from the mind of God that just fell down to earth, rolled around in the mud, and is here tonight. 372 01:04:33.280 --> 01:04:34.080 No. 373 01:04:39.080 --> 01:04:40.280 Who's the real Will Wood? 374 01:04:40.360 --> 01:04:41.360 I am. 375 01:04:41.480 --> 01:04:42.860 I'm the real Will Wood. 376 01:04:43.040 --> 01:04:44.880 I'm real Will Wood. 377 01:04:51.960 --> 01:04:54.000 Why are you doing this? 378 01:04:54.160 --> 01:04:56.200 Who's the real Will Wood? Jon: I'm very nervous right now. 379 01:04:56.200 --> 01:04:57.540 You don't know? 380 01:04:57.640 --> 01:04:59.060 My boyfriend's drug dealer. 381 01:04:59.260 --> 01:05:00.520 Someone I look up to very much. 382 01:05:00.720 --> 01:05:02.800 Lot of power in that handshake. 383 01:05:02.800 --> 01:05:05.000 Who is the real Will Wood? Mike Bottiglieri: You already asked me this, man. 384 01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:06.180 I don't know. 385 01:05:06.180 --> 01:05:06.960 That guy sucks. 386 01:05:07.020 --> 01:05:07.880 Who f*cking knows? 387 01:05:07.880 --> 01:05:09.100 The jersey devil. 388 01:05:09.100 --> 01:05:11.020 He is the reincarnation of our Lord and Savior. 389 01:05:11.400 --> 01:05:15.160 Uh... Jewish man, mid 20's... that's all I know! 390 01:05:17.480 --> 01:05:19.780 Do you ejaculate into a sandwich? 391 01:05:19.940 --> 01:05:22.140 That guys the pits man, I tell ya. 392 01:05:22.280 --> 01:05:25.360 but you know Wood plus Will, worms plus tape. 393 01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:27.600 What does real Wood-- what's his name? 394 01:05:27.600 --> 01:05:30.060 Half of my vocaublary is gone. 395 01:05:30.180 --> 01:05:34.180 An unfortunate continuance of a discombobulated creation. 396 01:05:34.920 --> 01:05:36.460 I don't know, I'm going to find out tonight though. 397 01:05:36.520 --> 01:05:37.880 Can I get a kiss? 398 01:05:37.900 --> 01:05:39.080 Absolutely not. 399 01:05:42.500 --> 01:05:44.040 Uh, I don't think it matters. 400 01:05:44.040 --> 01:05:45.180 No idea! 401 01:05:46.840 --> 01:05:51.720 Actually just an astral projection right now, but he's actually sitting at home among 27 different types of insence. 402 01:05:52.180 --> 01:05:53.460 Incest! 403 01:05:53.460 --> 01:05:55.460 Hey who's the real-- 404 01:05:56.020 --> 01:05:56.960 Okay. 405 01:05:57.180 --> 01:06:02.880 You can tell me anything, I'm on acid and I've been smoking weed and I'm drunk as f*** right now. 406 01:06:05.900 --> 01:06:07.360 I'm a birdbath. 407 01:10:45.360 --> 01:10:51.640 Hi, I'm Will Collins. The actor who plays Will Wood on stage and in this movie 408 01:10:51.640 --> 01:10:54.780 that you're watching. Obviously. My face has been all over it, I don't know why I 409 01:10:54.780 --> 01:10:57.920 bothered saying that. I'm Will Collins. Thing about the name Will Wood I didn't 410 01:10:57.920 --> 01:11:01.300 just pick it because it had like good stage name cadence or because like it's 411 01:11:01.400 --> 01:11:05.820 got that alliteration. The real reason I picked it is because it really, to me 412 01:11:05.820 --> 01:11:10.650 felt like a little bit of a play off the idea of "Will Wood would or Will Wood 413 01:11:10.650 --> 01:11:15.360 wouldn't Will would or Will wouldn't or what will Will Wood do what wouldn't he 414 01:11:15.360 --> 01:11:19.230 do, you know. Sort of like an assertion like "I will not do what you expect me to 415 01:11:19.230 --> 01:11:23.660 do, I'm not going to be who you think I should be. Cuz I do think that everybody 416 01:11:23.660 --> 01:11:27.480 has somewhat of a right to perceive how they're... or to control how they're perceived. 417 01:11:27.640 --> 01:11:30.179 Everybody's identity kind of becomes public domain when, when 418 01:11:30.179 --> 01:11:33.630 it's out there but at the end of the day, I have a right. And right now that's 419 01:11:33.630 --> 01:11:41.280 being taken from me. These people. These malicious scumbags are doing whatever 420 01:11:41.280 --> 01:11:44.760 they want. I don't approve of this film. I don't condone this film I don't like 421 01:11:44.760 --> 01:11:49.770 this film. I don't consent to this film. The way I'm being portrayed in this 422 01:11:49.770 --> 01:11:54.360 makes me look completely ridiculous and completely absurd and is not at all 423 01:11:54.360 --> 01:11:57.330 reflective of who I am as a person, or who I want to be as an artist. But the 424 01:11:57.330 --> 01:12:00.179 thing is apparently they can just do that they can make me look like a 425 01:12:00.179 --> 01:12:04.890 criminal at best or a... fucking malevolent trickster god, cuz apparently there's 426 01:12:04.890 --> 01:12:09.480 some section of parody law in entertainment law like parody law 427 01:12:09.480 --> 01:12:13.860 protects them. As long as they claim that it's a mockumentary as long as they say 428 01:12:13.860 --> 01:12:17.880 "Hey we're just joking" apparently they can do whatever they want. And I have no 429 01:12:17.880 --> 01:12:20.040 legal recourse, I have no personal recourse 430 01:12:20.040 --> 01:12:24.090 I'm completely... this is out of my hands and so I'm what I'm saying is; this is 431 01:12:24.090 --> 01:12:29.370 all I can do: is say to you people if you're watching this, please for the love 432 01:12:29.370 --> 01:12:34.000 of God turn it off. Please. If-- 433 01:12:35.280 --> 01:12:37.900 Good evening. I'm William Casparian. 434 01:12:38.040 --> 01:12:40.860 Multimedia pop artist and actor portraying "Will Collins" in the film you 435 01:12:40.860 --> 01:12:43.720 are currently watching. Addressing the audience directly 436 01:12:43.720 --> 01:12:46.990 in the context of dramatic production as I'm doing now by speaking to the camera 437 01:12:46.990 --> 01:12:49.480 is referred to as breaking the fourth wall. 438 01:12:49.480 --> 01:12:53.770 This practice gets its namesake from its roots in live theatre, where the action 439 01:12:53.770 --> 01:12:56.680 in a play is performed as though there is an imaginary wall separating the 440 01:12:56.680 --> 01:12:58.750 audience for the events unfolding before them. 441 01:12:58.750 --> 01:13:02.830 This fourth wall is usually assumed in the suspension of disbelief, and when it's 442 01:13:02.830 --> 01:13:06.700 denied and the convention is subverted, it's usually used to provide a humorous 443 01:13:06.700 --> 01:13:10.380 interjection to the story they're watching, or to give a closer look inside the 444 01:13:10.380 --> 01:13:12.980 minds of the characters. Most notably in the --- 445 01:13:13.100 --> 01:13:17.740 I'm William Cardigan. Writer, actor, performer, and most notably creator of the "Will Collins," "Will Wood," 446 01:13:17.740 --> 01:13:21.580 and "William Casparian" characters. What I'm doing right now is using 447 01:13:21.580 --> 01:13:25.240 a fourth wall breakage to inform the audience of the fourth wall's existence. 448 01:13:25.640 --> 01:13:33.800 My intention with this is to provide a provocative subversion of what has at this point become nothing more than pseudo-intellectual fodder and essentially a trope used to 449 01:13:33.800 --> 01:13:36.180 to parade about the auteur's presumed creativity and intellect like a 450 01:13:36.180 --> 01:13:38.320 pair of big, swinging testicles. 451 01:13:38.320 --> 01:13:43.140 I'm Willard Cabernacle. Hi. Just so we're clear the quality of art isn't somehow miraculously improved when it 452 01:13:43.150 --> 01:13:47.980 acknowledges its own flaws. Okay? Alright? Okay? Cool. Okay. So just pointing out your 453 01:13:47.980 --> 01:13:51.310 own flaws and being aware of them doesn't somehow erase them -- if anything 454 01:13:51.310 --> 01:13:56.620 it only proves a lack of confidence of the part of the artist. If an artist makes a poor artistic decision and does so with conviction 455 01:13:56.700 --> 01:13:59.640 sure the efficacy of his testicles may be called question. But their size, their weight, 456 01:13:59.640 --> 01:14:07.460 their momentum, will not. Okay? Thank you. You learned. 457 01:14:07.460 --> 01:14:13.060 Alright so let's say random example, okay? Random fucking example. You try to write a bad movie on purpose. 458 01:14:13.060 --> 01:14:17.240 Guess what dude? All you did at the end of the day is just make another shitty fucking movie. 459 01:14:17.240 --> 01:14:20.400 like wow okay all you're saying is "fuck you dude, I meant to waste your god damn time" 460 01:14:20.440 --> 01:14:23.800 Fuck you, man. Wow congratulations! You're a goddamn genius with self-referential 461 01:14:23.800 --> 01:14:27.600 shit. Well you know what, man? Fuck you you're not that original, alright? Miss me with that gay shit. 462 01:14:27.760 --> 01:14:31.360 I'm Wes Craven, pansexual. In Joseph Campbell's "Hero with a Thousand 463 01:14:31.360 --> 01:14:35.470 Faces," Campbell posits that all stories are, at their core, the same. I bring this 464 01:14:35.470 --> 01:14:39.740 up to say that originality itself is an outdated concept. There are no new ideas 465 01:14:39.840 --> 01:14:44.240 knowing this we can either abandon art entirely or acknowledge its future lies in self-reference. 466 01:14:44.560 --> 01:14:48.000 Salutations ladies and gentlemen, I'm Wax Cassidy, owner, 467 01:14:48.010 --> 01:14:51.760 proprietor, and CEO of Will Wood and the Tapeworms limited incorporated LLC, and if you want 468 01:14:51.760 --> 01:14:54.880 me to be able to continue to make art, then go ahead and fish that 469 01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:57.969 checkbook out of your daddy's bottom drawer and send it to blank to 470 01:14:57.969 --> 01:15:02.640 Will Wood and the Tapeworms dot bigcartel dot com! That's right, and if you're a real fan and not some parasitic fucking layabout, 471 01:15:02.640 --> 01:15:07.080 Then what you'll do is purchase one of our fine products from our line of Will Wood and the Tapeworms merchandise. 472 01:15:07.200 --> 01:15:13.620 We've got hats, we've got T-Shirts, we got CD's, we got laptop cases, we got those little buttons you can put on the back of your iphone so you look like an asshole when you take a selfie. 473 01:15:13.620 --> 01:15:17.000 That is right folks, and maybe, just maybe if you spend enough money... 474 01:15:17.000 --> 01:15:17.920 maybe if you spend enough money 475 01:15:18.060 --> 01:15:20.560 Next time one of you greasy little rat-fucks comes up to me at a concert 476 01:15:20.560 --> 01:15:22.700 I won't have to pretend to remember your fucking face. 477 01:15:22.700 --> 01:15:26.180 Art is dead and its blood runs cold over the capitalist's knife! 478 01:15:26.500 --> 01:15:29.840 Yeehaw! Art is capitalism, grow the fuck up! 479 01:15:34.440 --> 01:15:43.200 Uhhh greetings and salutations, ladies and gentlemen, boys, girls, neithers, boths, and in-betweens. I'm Will Wood, imaginary person. 480 01:15:43.480 --> 01:15:47.800 We are now trapped within a recursive loop of perpetual self-reference, thus 481 01:15:47.840 --> 01:15:50.620 proving post-modernism is fucking stupid. 482 01:15:59.560 --> 01:16:00.920 Will Wood: I don't get it. 483 01:16:03.780 --> 01:16:05.800 Hey, I'm Quetzalcoatl. 484 01:16:05.960 --> 01:16:07.620 immigration! 485 01:16:08.180 --> 01:16:09.660 Give me your hearts! 486 01:16:10.740 --> 01:16:12.280 Wait, what was that first line again? 487 01:16:14.580 --> 01:16:16.540 Eh? 488 01:16:17.740 --> 01:16:18.340 Eh! 489 01:16:19.000 --> 01:16:19.960 Eh? 490 01:16:20.720 --> 01:16:21.580 Ehh... 491 01:16:21.860 --> 01:16:24.860 Ehhh? 492 01:16:25.200 --> 01:16:26.880 Ayyyy! 493 01:16:27.240 --> 01:16:28.360 Oh! Oh! 494 01:16:28.360 --> 01:16:29.660 Ooh! Ooh! 495 01:16:30.040 --> 01:16:33.440 Oooooooh! 496 01:16:33.440 --> 01:16:38.940 Oh! Ah! Woah! Yeah! 497 01:16:39.220 --> 01:16:42.580 Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Mhm. 498 01:16:42.840 --> 01:16:43.860 Eh. 499 01:16:43.940 --> 01:16:44.440 Eh! 500 01:16:44.480 --> 01:16:44.980 Eh? 501 01:16:45.240 --> 01:16:45.740 Eh! 502 01:16:45.880 --> 01:16:46.380 Eh?? 503 01:16:46.760 --> 01:16:47.260 Eh?! 504 01:16:48.280 --> 01:16:57.940 Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 505 01:16:59.900 --> 01:17:00.960 Scene. 506 01:20:04.480 --> 01:20:11.400 When we drop this shit, I wanna see you at each others' throats man, make some fuckin' noise. 1 2 3 507 01:28:54.340 --> 01:28:57.580 Howdy! 508 01:28:58.220 --> 01:29:04.460 I'm Christian Dunning and uh I'm a tree farmer 509 01:29:09.240 --> 01:29:12.820 Well you know, it's the Christmas season. Gets pretty busy around here this time 510 01:29:12.820 --> 01:29:17.380 of year. It's a good time to make a little bit of extra cash. Keep busy. it's 511 01:29:17.480 --> 01:29:21.880 It's pretty peaceful the rest of the year but, you know, it can surprise you sometimes 512 01:29:22.540 --> 01:29:26.860 besides there's something kind of magical about knowing that these kids are gonna be 513 01:29:26.860 --> 01:29:33.100 opening up their gift from Santa under one of my trees. You know? 514 01:29:33.160 --> 01:29:37.480 Now Blue Spruce has a good look to it but it's hardly your classic Christmas tree. 515 01:29:37.480 --> 01:29:42.340 Needles are gonna be a little bit prickly on this one. Eastern hemlock: it's uh, it's gonna be a 516 01:29:42.350 --> 01:29:46.190 bit sparse. Not a lot of room for ornaments but it's a sturdy tree. 517 01:29:46.190 --> 01:29:49.460 Take a look at those cones. Hearty lookin' cones aren't they? 518 01:29:49.460 --> 01:29:52.920 Tsuga Canadensis. 519 01:29:53.420 --> 01:29:55.140 Now you want to make sure not to cut these down too 520 01:29:55.140 --> 01:29:58.520 early or else you're gonna lose your needles. A good trick is ya, just take a little 521 01:29:58.520 --> 01:30:00.520 bit off here, you know? Rub them together... 522 01:30:02.280 --> 01:30:05.360 Yeah. Smells like Christmas. 523 01:30:05.440 --> 01:30:08.900 How you know you got the right one. 524 01:30:16.920 --> 01:30:26.400 You know, you just think, I uh... I wouldn't have found any of this peace if uh... Mike hadn't 525 01:30:27.080 --> 01:30:30.180 single-handedly ruined by film career. 526 01:30:33.140 --> 01:30:34.680 Who wants cocoa?