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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[dramatic music]

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♪ ♪

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male announcer: The following
is a presentation

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of HBO Sports.

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[haunting music]

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♪ ♪

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- As the novel coronavirus
continues to spread worldwide

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from its starting point
in Wuhan, China...

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- 400,000 diagnosed cases
of COVID-19 across the globe.

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- Another tragic
milestone today:

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the most reported
coronavirus deaths

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in a single day...

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- Closing
almost all businesses...

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- Shows a record-shattering

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6.6 million Americans filed
for unemployment benefits...

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- More of the world's
biggest sporting contests

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canceled or postponed.

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- Tokyo 2020 organizers

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and the International
Olympic Committee

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bowing to global pressure.
- The prime minister announced

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the 2020 Summer Olympic Games

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will be postponed
until summer 2021.

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♪ ♪

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- The summer of 2020
was supposed to be the summer

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of the Tokyo Olympic
and Paralympic Games...

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[fireworks popping]

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More than 15,000 athletes

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from over 200 countries
coming together,

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all of them eager
to realize the dreams

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they had chased
since they were kids.

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♪ ♪

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The venues were built.

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The tickets were sold.

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The athletes were ready.

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And then...

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all of our lives
were turned upside down,

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and the Olympics
were postponed

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for the first time ever.

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♪ ♪

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Now, the Games getting delayed
pales in comparison

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to the tragedies
that COVID-19 would cause

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all over the world,

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but the impact wasn't just
on people's physical health.

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It was also dangerous
for our mental health.

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Fear, uncertainty, disruption,

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isolation:

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all of that was very real
for millions of people.

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♪ ♪

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Mental health was something

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I had been thinking about
a lot

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long before the virus hit.

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♪ ♪

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With the 2020 Games
approaching,

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the first Olympics
I wouldn't be a part of

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since I was 11 years old,

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I found myself looking back
on the highs and lows

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and how close I came
to losing it all.

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And then when the Games
were postponed,

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what I thought about
was the mental health

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of all the athletes
who had worked so hard

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and now had to pick up
the pieces

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with everything changed.

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♪ ♪

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We should've all been watching
the Olympics together

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in the summer of 2020,

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but instead,
I'd like to tell you

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about our journeys
to the dream

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and how much more there can be
to all of our stories,

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there and back.

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♪ ♪

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[crowd cheering]

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♪ ♪

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- You broke more than 25
national age group records.

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You got the world championship
coming up.

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What more do you want
to accomplish?

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- I guess my long-term goal is

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to win the gold medal in Athens

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and go in more than one event.

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So I mean, I have
a lot of goals,

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but I think that I just want
to take it day by day.

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When you're an Olympian,

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you like to think
that your story

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is different
from all of the others,

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but really...

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- Put your hands together
for Jeremy Bloom!

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- They all pretty much
start the same.

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- I want to go to the Olympics

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and win a gold medal
in skiing.

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- My goal is to, like,
go to the Olympics,

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be on the Olympic team.

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- And the goal
that I wanted to reach

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was to be at the Olympics

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and really compete
with all the great skaters.

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- At some point or another,

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all of us get
this idea in our heads:

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we can make it
to the Olympics.

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- A good run!

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- And everything
just goes from there.

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- I'd always watch
the Olympics with my parents,

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like, "Wow, this is
the highest level there is."

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That's how my mom
explained it to me.

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My parents, my mom and my dad,
had sat me down.

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They're like, "This is--
it doesn't get

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"any higher than this.

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"This is the Olympics.
That's it.

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"These athletes have worked
their entire lives

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"for this moment,

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"and that's why they go
to the greatest lengths

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to try and win."

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I just remember being awestruck
by that.

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- Growing up
in a single-parent household

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and having the type of energy
that I did,

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whether you call it ADHD,

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you call it, you know,
just raw energy

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that can't be tapped
in any capacity,

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the only thing
that my dad saw

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that could potentially
redirect my energy

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into something positive
was sport,

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and he was right.

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- Well, I was born and raised
in Park City, Utah,

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pretty much
the Adventure Town, USA.

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I started skiing
when I was two years old,

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which was pretty awesome.

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I have pictures of it.

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I don't remember
my first time skiing,

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but winter sports has always
been kind of my thing.

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- I started skating
when I was eight.

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We get on the ice,

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and I just kind of love it
right away.

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I didn't perceive myself
as being, like,

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amazingly talented,

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but I was aware
that I was better

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than, like,
some of the other kids,

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and it just really rapidly
snowballed from there.

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♪ ♪

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- He's called
a typical 15-year-old teenager

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by his coach,
except for one small detail:

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Michael Phelps is one
of the fastest swimmers

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in the world.

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- None of us
had normal childhoods per se.

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- 26-0-0.

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Boy, that first lap
is really good.

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- Nobody who is going
to expend that kind of effort

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to achieve that kind of goal

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is going to be
just like everybody else.

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- I certainly think
this is just the beginning.

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He's certainly not as strong
as he's gonna get,

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and we have limited
his training,

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so it's not even near
where he's gonna be.

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- Now, there are good sides
to that,

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and there are bad sides
to that.

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For me, I don't want to say

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I would've done anything
differently

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if I could do it
all over again.

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I was competitive.
I was hungry.

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I loved it.
I chose it.

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But the truth was
that my focus

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got incredibly narrow
and intense really quickly,

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which would have ramifications
later in life...

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- Arms forward.
Good, forward.

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- Even if it wasn't possible
to realize that at the time.

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- I don't think
that's an excuse

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for not learning a skill.

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- I didn't fucking say it was.

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- Go ahead, put that
on the movie.

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- Go ahead!
- Put your attitude

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of excellence
right on there.

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- One...
- You think and you operate

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as if everything revolves
around this sole focus,

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and that sole focus
is the Olympics.

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Everything else
is secondary,

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so your relationships,
your school,

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your family,
your other friends,

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everything that's not catered

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to you performing
at the highest level in sport,

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it's a nonstarter conversation.

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- 13-year-old Sasha Cohen.

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- For me,
it wasn't a sacrifice.

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Everything else in life
was an obstacle

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that I wanted to push aside.

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I didn't want to spend time
with friends.

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I didn't want to go to school.

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I wanted to do
everything I could

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to be the best skater I could.

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- It's more of, like,
a lifestyle.

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It's how I lived.

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Any little step I could take,

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anything to get the edge
or advantage

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over my competitors
and to win.

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My world was based on that
for sure.

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- I went five
or six years straight,

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365 days a year.

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The difference
between great and good:

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I think the greats do things
when they don't always want to,

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and I think that's
what makes them great.

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I looked up to Jordan forever.

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That guy probably didn't want
to play basketball every day.

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He's the GOAT.

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Peyton,
he didn't have to study film

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for thousands and thousands
of hours.

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He did it because he wanted
to be great.

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- Up!
Good.

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- When I graduated high school,
I remember working out

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like crazy

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because I wanted
to be an athlete.

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Everyone's like, "Oh, my gosh,
you work out so much,"

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and I was like, "It's nothing
compared to the Olympians."

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[gentle music]

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When I first got
into skeleton,

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I ended up on my own at 16,

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being offered
a free place to live, food,

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and a potential scholarship

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for whatever school
I could try to get to.

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Was not really a hard choice--

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go to the Olympics
or go to college--

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and I basically chose sport
over academics.

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I started winning everything.

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It was addicting.
It was fun.

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I just got sucked in.

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- I didn't develop
outside interests.

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I had a very singular focus
on my sport

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and on figure skating.

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It was like a compulsion.
It was necessary.

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- Most of my career,

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I was driven purely
by a fear of failure,

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so, unlike a lot of athletes

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who are driven
by "I want to win,

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I want to be the champion,"

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I was driven purely

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that I felt
that I was inadequate.

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I wasn't the best guy
on the ice.

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I wasn't the guy who was
the most talented genetically,

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physically gifted.

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I could probably say
I was the hardest worker,

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and I did the most amount
of time in the sport,

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because of my obsession
with "it wasn't good enough."

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Every day wasn't good enough.

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For 15 years,
I lived that life.

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It was like,
"I have to be here,

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"because there's someone else
on the other side of the world

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"who's younger than me,
that's better than me,

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"that just overall
is superior to me

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"in every single capacity,

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so I have to find a way
to win."

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[orchestral music]

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[announcers speaking
in native language]

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- After all that time
you put in--

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the early mornings,

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the countless laps in the pool
or around the track

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or rink or whatever--

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when you finally go
to an Olympics,

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I think the only word
that you can use

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to describe it

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is "overwhelming."

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[dramatic music]

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You've basically been training
your whole life

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for this one moment,

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00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,458
and you know
it's not coming around again

261
00:10:44,542 --> 00:10:46,917
for another four years,
if ever.

262
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,333
♪ ♪

263
00:10:48,417 --> 00:10:50,959
That's absolutely
all in your head.

264
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,250
And then throw in the fact
that it's all unfolding

265
00:10:53,333 --> 00:10:55,834
in front of the entire world?

266
00:10:55,917 --> 00:10:57,917
Like I said, overwhelming.

267
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,166
♪ ♪

268
00:11:00,250 --> 00:11:02,083
- First Olympics,
I was extremely nervous.

269
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:04,417
It met my expectations
in the fact

270
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,000
that I knew it was
the biggest stage

271
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,667
that I would perform
in my life,

272
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:12,500
and just
those overwhelming emotions

273
00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:15,000
and just completely was
an amazing experience.

274
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:16,834
You felt like everything
was special,

275
00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,667
and you're trying
to take it all in.

276
00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:20,709
As a track and field athlete,
I had no clue if I'd ever make

277
00:11:20,792 --> 00:11:22,000
another Olympic team.

278
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,875
Most track and field athletes
only make one team,

279
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:27,500
so I just wanted to make
the most of the experience.

280
00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:29,333
[cheers and applause]

281
00:11:29,417 --> 00:11:31,500
- My first Olympics,

282
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:34,041
I was 19 and the number one
ranked skier in the world,

283
00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:36,333
and, you know,
"Sports Illustrated"

284
00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:38,000
picked me to win
the Olympic gold,

285
00:11:38,083 --> 00:11:39,208
and I was beyond nervous.

286
00:11:39,291 --> 00:11:41,000
I mean, it was paralyzing.

287
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:42,375
[crowd chanting "USA!"]

288
00:11:42,458 --> 00:11:43,625
- It's a whirlwind.

289
00:11:43,709 --> 00:11:45,667
It's nothing
like any competition

290
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,709
I'd ever been to before.

291
00:11:47,792 --> 00:11:50,208
It was inspiring;
it was amazing

292
00:11:50,291 --> 00:11:51,917
to sit with all
these other athletes

293
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,000
around the world
and, like, eat your breakfast.

294
00:11:54,083 --> 00:11:57,041
I mean, it was just
like this glow,

295
00:11:57,125 --> 00:11:59,333
this sort of vibe
while you were there.

296
00:11:59,417 --> 00:12:00,667
♪ ♪

297
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:02,375
- It completely blew my mind.

298
00:12:02,458 --> 00:12:05,333
Flags from every country.

299
00:12:05,417 --> 00:12:09,375
There was so much excitement
and buzz.

300
00:12:09,458 --> 00:12:10,667
It was on no other level

301
00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:13,208
that I can compare
to anything in my life.

302
00:12:13,291 --> 00:12:20,208
♪ ♪

303
00:12:20,291 --> 00:12:24,375
You get
on an Olympic venue bus,

304
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:28,709
and you go to the arena
to compete,

305
00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:31,917
and you have
this kind of epiphany

306
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,750
that, when you get back
on this bus again tonight,

307
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:37,750
like, your fate
will have been sealed.

308
00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,375
♪ ♪

309
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:42,083
Something will be written
into history

310
00:12:42,166 --> 00:12:44,834
that can never be unwritten
or rewritten.

311
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,083
And it's just a bus ride,

312
00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:51,792
but it's like,
the enormity of it is huge.

313
00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:53,417
- It's all they've done

314
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,625
for the past ten years,
and now,

315
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:59,959
for the next 40 seconds
of our human lives,

316
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:03,083
this moment will dictate

317
00:13:03,166 --> 00:13:07,417
whether they have a gold...

318
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,500
or not.

319
00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:18,625
- Phelps, the greatest
of all time, iconic figure,

320
00:13:18,709 --> 00:13:21,291
writes his way
into the history books

321
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,792
yet again.

322
00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:24,667
- So then it's over.

323
00:13:24,750 --> 00:13:27,125
- Steve Holcomb
has raced for gold!

324
00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:28,792
- And however it ends...

325
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:31,959
- There will be no medals
of any color for Jeremy Bloom.

326
00:13:32,041 --> 00:13:35,333
- The bigger point
is that it's over,

327
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:38,959
everything you've worked for
in the rearview mirror,

328
00:13:39,041 --> 00:13:40,166
and reckoning with that

329
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:42,458
is something that unites
all Olympians,

330
00:13:42,542 --> 00:13:45,166
whether you ended up
on top of the podium...

331
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:47,417
or in total disbelief.

332
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:48,959
[tense orchestral music
playing]

333
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:50,834
- Oh, that's a foul.

334
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:53,000
- I fell twice
in the first 30 seconds

335
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,250
of my long program.

336
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,166
[melancholy music]

337
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,875
- And another step out.

338
00:13:57,959 --> 00:14:01,792
- I was shell-shocked.
I was devastated.

339
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,375
I was just, like, stunned.

340
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:07,792
♪ ♪

341
00:14:07,875 --> 00:14:10,625
And not only are you having
all these feelings,

342
00:14:10,709 --> 00:14:13,041
but you are having
all these feelings

343
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:17,166
while the entire world
is singularly focused on you.

344
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:19,000
[cheers and applause]

345
00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:22,375
And you hear with every fall
just a...

346
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:23,875
[exhaling heavily]
"Oh,"

347
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:25,834
or, like, just, like, the hush.

348
00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:27,375
♪ ♪

349
00:14:27,458 --> 00:14:29,041
You already have
all those feelings,

350
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:30,083
and then this, like--

351
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:31,709
the most dramatic
sound effects

352
00:14:31,792 --> 00:14:34,542
that are, like, laid down,
the soundtrack

353
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:38,250
to this, like, devastating
30 seconds of your life.

354
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,959
♪ ♪

355
00:14:41,041 --> 00:14:42,709
This was my Olympics,
you know.

356
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:44,834
♪ ♪

357
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:47,041
It was not the performance
I wanted to give,

358
00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:50,208
but I ended up
with a silver medal.

359
00:14:50,291 --> 00:14:54,041
It's very hard to know
what you're capable of,

360
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:58,750
and sometimes
circumstances in life happen,

361
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:00,375
and you have to do
the best you can,

362
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:03,250
and sometimes
timing sucks, right?

363
00:15:03,333 --> 00:15:06,375
♪ ♪

364
00:15:06,458 --> 00:15:07,917
- Unless you're
an Olympic athlete,

365
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,709
it's difficult to understand,

366
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,208
when you fail
at the Olympics,

367
00:15:11,291 --> 00:15:13,333
what a big deal that is.

368
00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:15,333
From an outside perspective,
you could say, "Oh, big deal.

369
00:15:15,417 --> 00:15:16,333
"You're an Olympian.

370
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,375
Like, people have
bigger problems,"

371
00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:19,834
and that is true,

372
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:21,083
but for Olympians,

373
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,417
that's your life.

374
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,625
That's really
what defines you.

375
00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:28,417
♪ ♪

376
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:31,250
- In that 2002 Olympic
500-meter final

377
00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:32,417
in men's long track,

378
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,083
the difference
between gold medal,

379
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:37,208
recognized, celebrated,
and fourth place

380
00:15:37,291 --> 00:15:38,291
is this difference.

381
00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:43,041
Four guys just went by
in that time frame,

382
00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:45,709
and you worked
an entire lifetime for that.

383
00:15:45,792 --> 00:15:47,417
The difference is,

384
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,709
the guy who won, we celebrate;
we look to; we love.

385
00:15:51,792 --> 00:15:54,125
The guy in fourth, you never
hear from that person.

386
00:15:54,208 --> 00:15:56,125
He disappears.
He dissipates.

387
00:15:56,208 --> 00:15:59,250
He becomes a civilian.

388
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,458
It's gold and then what?

389
00:16:02,542 --> 00:16:04,458
[crowd groaning]

390
00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:06,458
- So with all the hype
surrounding Bode Miller

391
00:16:06,542 --> 00:16:08,125
coming in here
to possibly medal

392
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:10,250
in all five events,

393
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:13,000
he will not have a medal
at all.

394
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:14,166
- Mainstream media,

395
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:15,959
especially in America
but really everywhere,

396
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,625
they love that feeling
of building somebody up

397
00:16:17,709 --> 00:16:20,291
because that gives them control
over the situation.

398
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:23,125
You know, they pump them up,
pump up expectations,

399
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:26,417
and then it's good news,
it's good content

400
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,333
if they can chop their legs
out from under them

401
00:16:28,417 --> 00:16:30,458
and see a hero
come crashing down.

402
00:16:30,542 --> 00:16:31,667
It's good for everybody's ego.

403
00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:34,125
Everybody likes to read
about that stuff.

404
00:16:34,208 --> 00:16:35,750
- This just in,
ladies and gentlemen:

405
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:37,667
Bode Miller
has just tested negative

406
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:39,083
for gold medals.

407
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,291
[laughter]
[rimshot]

408
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:41,875
- And then
to build them back up,

409
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,709
then you have this underdog,

410
00:16:43,792 --> 00:16:45,291
the hero reborn.

411
00:16:45,375 --> 00:16:48,834
There's just a lot of
natural flow to that pattern.

412
00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:50,458
- Bode Miller, everybody!

413
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,667
[cheers and applause]

414
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,041
- I've gone through it
enough times

415
00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:56,834
to know what it looks like
from the inside.

416
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,125
- Check that out.

417
00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,834
[cheers and applause]

418
00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:01,667
- In '05 when I won
the overall,

419
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:02,875
I was the golden boy,

420
00:17:02,959 --> 00:17:04,208
and even though
I was rebellious

421
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:08,083
and they knew my patterns,
they knew all my stuff--

422
00:17:08,166 --> 00:17:10,709
wasn't like I wasn't
having fun or partying

423
00:17:10,792 --> 00:17:12,625
or going out--
they sort of covered it up

424
00:17:12,709 --> 00:17:14,542
and made it
so they could refine

425
00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:16,166
the picture of the hero
on the top,

426
00:17:16,250 --> 00:17:17,834
and then they were
setting it up

427
00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:20,125
so that if I did well,
they'd have something else

428
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:21,542
in the Olympics, and instead,

429
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,250
I didn't do as well
as I could've,

430
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,000
and they cut the legs out.

431
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:28,041
- Bode Miller is 0 for 5.

432
00:17:28,125 --> 00:17:30,208
- Failing to do well in races
always sucks.

433
00:17:30,291 --> 00:17:31,709
I mean, it was my life,

434
00:17:31,792 --> 00:17:33,542
and I had
a huge opportunity there,

435
00:17:33,625 --> 00:17:35,583
and, you know,
that just is annoying

436
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:36,709
from a personal standpoint.

437
00:17:36,792 --> 00:17:38,875
I think every athlete
would relate to that.

438
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:41,166
♪ ♪

439
00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:44,250
- I was running
the best races of my life,

440
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,709
the best times of my life.

441
00:17:46,792 --> 00:17:48,542
[starting gun fires]
And I hit one hurdle,

442
00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:51,041
and it cost me
the Olympic gold medal.

443
00:17:51,125 --> 00:17:52,417
- Lolo Jones
has the lead,

444
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:53,417
but she hit
the hurdle.

445
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:54,417
She hit hurdle
number nine,

446
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,041
the next-to-last hurdle.

447
00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:58,542
Lolo Jones hit the hurdle

448
00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:01,333
and did not get a medal.

449
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,542
- In my life,

450
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:07,041
I've probably hit a hurdle
three times.

451
00:18:07,125 --> 00:18:11,250
I'm talking about training,
races, practices.

452
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:13,917
And now I'm known
as a girl who hits hurdles.

453
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,166
- She looked to have
the gold in her pocket.

454
00:18:17,250 --> 00:18:19,875
- I got ripped
across the media,

455
00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:21,417
like, "Oh, she had
all these sponsors.

456
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:22,792
How could she not medal?"

457
00:18:22,875 --> 00:18:25,583
Like, "She's such
a freaking flop."

458
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:27,542
It was so overwhelming,

459
00:18:27,625 --> 00:18:29,625
and I had no one to talk to.

460
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,583
I would be washing dishes,

461
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:34,375
like, months later,
and I'd think about it,

462
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:35,917
and I'd literally be frozen,

463
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,083
like, "What could I have
done differently?"

464
00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:41,709
I'd be walking
in the grocery store,

465
00:18:41,792 --> 00:18:43,917
day's going fine, and then
someone would come up to me:

466
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,750
"Oh, I feel so bad
for what happened."

467
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,625
- It was painful to see
my family's reaction to it,

468
00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:50,959
what they had to go through.

469
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,125
I think that's
what hurt the most

470
00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:55,750
was seeing my image
tarnished in their eyes,

471
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,959
that I shouldn't be allowed
back in the country,

472
00:18:58,041 --> 00:18:59,000
that I was, you know,

473
00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:02,750
the most disgraceful
Olympic athlete ever

474
00:19:02,834 --> 00:19:04,667
in the history of the world.
[laughs]

475
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:06,291
♪ ♪

476
00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:09,917
Your Q rating is where they
tell 1,000 people your name.

477
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,041
Do they recognize the name?

478
00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:13,166
Do they have a favorable
or an unfavorable opinion

479
00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:15,125
of your brand or your name?

480
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:18,166
My Q rating was lower
than Mike Tyson, who had...

481
00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,125
- What happened here?
- Bit off Holyfield's ear

482
00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:21,709
or O.J. Simpson,
who at the time

483
00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:25,458
had a double murder and ran.

484
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:27,125
- Could you imagine?

485
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:28,458
Like, let's say
you get a divorce

486
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:30,166
and then everywhere you go
in public,

487
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:31,834
someone's like,
"Oh, I feel so bad for you.

488
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:33,166
I heard you got that divorce."

489
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:35,166
Happened so many times,

490
00:19:35,250 --> 00:19:38,542
and I had no one
to help me through that.

491
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:41,917
[airplane engine rumbling]

492
00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:48,333
[upbeat march music]

493
00:19:48,417 --> 00:19:51,000
[crowd chanting "Gracie!"]

494
00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:53,166
- It's nice to get home.

495
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,125
The celebration
kind of continues.

496
00:19:55,208 --> 00:19:57,166
[cheers and applause]

497
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,500
People are so happy.
They're so proud.

498
00:19:59,583 --> 00:20:01,500
[cheers and applause]

499
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:03,166
They show their support.

500
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:05,000
- The fans lined York Road
for hours,

501
00:20:05,083 --> 00:20:06,875
ready to get
an up-close look

502
00:20:06,959 --> 00:20:08,375
at their hometown heroes.

503
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,458
- He's adorable!
- Look at the face.

504
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:13,208
- I want to be just like him.

505
00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:14,709
- And then
it kind of dies down.

506
00:20:14,792 --> 00:20:16,625
[car horns honking]

507
00:20:17,834 --> 00:20:19,375
Then you basically get
in that part

508
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:20,709
where you're either like,

509
00:20:20,792 --> 00:20:22,041
"Am I gonna put myself
through this

510
00:20:22,125 --> 00:20:24,041
"for four more years,

511
00:20:24,125 --> 00:20:26,875
or am I gonna find
something else to do?"

512
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,166
[somber music]

513
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:30,417
And we're lost.

514
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,208
I think that's where
a lot of it really comes from

515
00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:34,542
is, we're just so lost,
'cause we spent four years

516
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:38,000
grinding for that one moment,

517
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,208
and now we don't know
what the hell to do.

518
00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:43,166
I think it's probably safe
to say

519
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,083
that a good 80%, maybe more,

520
00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:49,208
go through some kind
of post-Olympic depression.

521
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,542
♪ ♪

522
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,250
- After the Olympics,

523
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,667
the village doors close,

524
00:20:55,750 --> 00:20:57,625
and then that's kind of it.

525
00:20:57,709 --> 00:20:59,125
♪ ♪

526
00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:01,417
So all the media's gone.

527
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,417
All the exposure's gone.

528
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:06,250
Before the 2008 Games,

529
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:08,000
I remember one of the coaches

530
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:09,750
specifically on the dive team.

531
00:21:09,834 --> 00:21:11,750
This was
my first Olympic Games,

532
00:21:11,834 --> 00:21:14,458
something I'd dreamed of
since I was seven years old,

533
00:21:14,542 --> 00:21:16,750
and he had said,
"Don't be surprised

534
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:19,750
after the Olympics
for the post-Olympic blues."

535
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:24,041
♪ ♪

536
00:21:24,125 --> 00:21:25,500
I was 19, and I was like,

537
00:21:25,583 --> 00:21:27,250
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I think I'm better

538
00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:29,917
than that happening."

539
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,083
- After every Olympics,
win or lose,

540
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,792
I felt, like,
a dramatic emptiness,

541
00:21:34,875 --> 00:21:39,583
just because your whole world
is built around this one day

542
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:41,250
and you're putting
so much on it,

543
00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:43,125
so much expectation
and pressure

544
00:21:43,208 --> 00:21:44,959
and interviews and,

545
00:21:45,041 --> 00:21:46,166
"What am I gonna do next?"

546
00:21:46,250 --> 00:21:49,458
And you're plotting out
this course of your life.

547
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:52,667
After every Olympics,
there's this incredible crash.

548
00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:54,125
♪ ♪

549
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:57,125
Nothing really matters
as much anymore.

550
00:21:57,208 --> 00:21:58,917
Like, "Oh, I guess
I can stay up all night,

551
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,291
"'cause we're not competing.

552
00:22:01,375 --> 00:22:04,000
You know, I guess I'll have
an extra slice of cheesecake."

553
00:22:04,083 --> 00:22:10,750
♪ ♪

554
00:22:10,834 --> 00:22:15,333
I remember trying to compete
after the Olympics, and...

555
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:16,667
it was awful.

556
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:19,291
I had no motivation.

557
00:22:19,375 --> 00:22:22,000
Like, well,
what does this matter?

558
00:22:22,083 --> 00:22:23,542
Like, what is this
compared to the magnitude

559
00:22:23,625 --> 00:22:25,625
of what I had
just accomplished?

560
00:22:25,709 --> 00:22:27,041
♪ ♪

561
00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:28,709
Just like anybody,
if you travel the world

562
00:22:28,792 --> 00:22:30,834
with a bunch of friends,
like, leaving summer camp,

563
00:22:30,917 --> 00:22:32,291
whatever,
you come home, and you're like,

564
00:22:32,375 --> 00:22:35,750
"Wow."
[sighs]

565
00:22:37,583 --> 00:22:38,667
"Now what?"

566
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:40,834
Like, it's just, like, quiet,

567
00:22:40,917 --> 00:22:42,208
and then you kind of feel like,

568
00:22:42,291 --> 00:22:43,333
"Well, what did I do wrong?

569
00:22:43,417 --> 00:22:46,667
"Like...what happened?
Is it--like...

570
00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:49,417
where did everyone go?"
You know?

571
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:50,667
Like, you're happy to be home,

572
00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:54,083
but it's just this, like,
isolated, cut-off feeling.

573
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,667
- Why do you think so many
of the athletes get depressed

574
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,834
when they come home
from the Olympics?

575
00:22:59,917 --> 00:23:02,041
- I think it's something
that all human beings

576
00:23:02,125 --> 00:23:03,709
are susceptible to,

577
00:23:03,792 --> 00:23:06,333
and with athletes,
it's even more so, I think,

578
00:23:06,417 --> 00:23:08,709
because we have
such a great ability

579
00:23:08,792 --> 00:23:10,375
to hyper-focus.

580
00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:13,041
So if you are incentivized
and you're focused on winning

581
00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:14,875
or you're focused on being
the best you can

582
00:23:14,959 --> 00:23:16,542
at this one thing

583
00:23:16,625 --> 00:23:18,834
and you're putting all you have
into that

584
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:20,667
without any other balance,

585
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:21,875
when that ends

586
00:23:21,959 --> 00:23:24,500
and then you're out
of the fight-or-flight mode

587
00:23:24,583 --> 00:23:26,875
of, like, "I have to perform,
I have to perform,"

588
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:28,208
you get left wondering, like,

589
00:23:28,291 --> 00:23:29,875
what do you do
with your energy?

590
00:23:29,959 --> 00:23:33,875
I feel like we forgot
about how human Olympians are

591
00:23:33,959 --> 00:23:36,875
and the needs we need
as human beings.

592
00:23:36,959 --> 00:23:38,834
It's not about winning.
It's not about performance.

593
00:23:38,917 --> 00:23:41,250
Granted, that would--
that's all great,

594
00:23:41,333 --> 00:23:42,709
but what about
our mental health?

595
00:23:42,792 --> 00:23:45,291
What about our families?
What about our education?

596
00:23:45,375 --> 00:23:47,959
What about after sport?

597
00:23:48,041 --> 00:23:49,750
And when you've spent
all this time

598
00:23:49,834 --> 00:23:51,166
and it ends,

599
00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:53,834
it'd be really hard
not to become depressed.

600
00:23:55,375 --> 00:23:57,875
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Shaun White!

601
00:23:57,959 --> 00:24:00,291
[upbeat music playing]

602
00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:03,583
- So many things change
after an Olympics,

603
00:24:03,667 --> 00:24:04,917
and the better you do,

604
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,583
the more famous you become...

605
00:24:06,667 --> 00:24:08,417
- Sasha, let's see that smile!
[reporters clamoring]

606
00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,083
- And the more
your life changes.

607
00:24:10,166 --> 00:24:13,959
- Your two-time Olympian
Lolo Jones.

608
00:24:14,041 --> 00:24:16,542
- And look at me.
Beauty.

609
00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:20,000
- But even if you become
one of the success stories,

610
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:21,583
it all comes with a catch.

611
00:24:21,667 --> 00:24:23,458
[crowd clamoring]

612
00:24:23,542 --> 00:24:25,125
[audio distorts]

613
00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:27,959
Because if your whole life
was about building up

614
00:24:28,041 --> 00:24:31,291
to one race, one performance,

615
00:24:31,375 --> 00:24:33,166
or one event,

616
00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:34,417
how does that sustain

617
00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,750
everything that comes
afterwards?

618
00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:39,458
Sure, you can chase it again.

619
00:24:39,542 --> 00:24:42,500
Just go back to the grind
for another four years.

620
00:24:42,583 --> 00:24:45,458
But ultimately,
that doesn't sustain.

621
00:24:45,542 --> 00:24:47,125
[soft dramatic music]

622
00:24:47,208 --> 00:24:50,166
And eventually--
for me, at least--

623
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:51,667
there was one question

624
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:54,083
that hit me
like a ton of bricks.

625
00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:58,000
♪ ♪

626
00:24:58,083 --> 00:25:01,000
Who was I
outside of the swimming pool?

627
00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:03,500
♪ ♪

628
00:25:03,583 --> 00:25:06,667
- We are Olympic athletes,

629
00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:08,333
and we're not really sure

630
00:25:08,417 --> 00:25:10,792
if we're anything else.

631
00:25:10,875 --> 00:25:14,041
I think
the die-hard skating fans

632
00:25:14,125 --> 00:25:16,583
or Olympic fans
will always recognize you

633
00:25:16,667 --> 00:25:17,792
if you walk down the street,

634
00:25:17,875 --> 00:25:20,125
you know, even if
it's ten years later,

635
00:25:20,208 --> 00:25:24,417
because you were
such a big part of their life

636
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:27,166
and they're
such passionate Olympic fans,

637
00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:30,625
but I think,
for most of the public,

638
00:25:30,709 --> 00:25:32,458
you know, they've got
very busy lives.

639
00:25:32,542 --> 00:25:33,875
They, like, tune in,
they're excited,

640
00:25:33,959 --> 00:25:37,625
they cheer, and then
they kind of forget, you know?

641
00:25:37,709 --> 00:25:41,208
I'd say one Olympic cycle
out from your Olympics,

642
00:25:41,291 --> 00:25:45,375
you're pretty far removed.

643
00:25:45,458 --> 00:25:48,041
[upbeat music]

644
00:25:48,125 --> 00:25:50,041
- I don't think a lot
of athletes understand

645
00:25:50,125 --> 00:25:53,417
that there's always
a whole line of people

646
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:55,875
waiting to be the next one.

647
00:25:55,959 --> 00:25:57,834
You know, at the time, they
think they're irreplaceable,

648
00:25:57,917 --> 00:25:59,458
that they're
breaking records, they're,

649
00:25:59,542 --> 00:26:00,542
you know,
making all the money,

650
00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:02,166
they're getting praise
from everybody,

651
00:26:02,250 --> 00:26:04,667
and then when they retire,
they expect it to really be

652
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:06,000
like the sport misses them

653
00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:08,375
and like, "Oh, man,
like, there they go,"

654
00:26:08,458 --> 00:26:10,375
and in reality,
it's like, "Bye,"

655
00:26:10,458 --> 00:26:12,375
and then there's, like--
the new dude

656
00:26:12,458 --> 00:26:14,875
basically rolls in.

657
00:26:14,959 --> 00:26:17,834
I think that,
from an ego standpoint,

658
00:26:17,917 --> 00:26:19,417
hurts a lot
of athletes' feelings

659
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:22,875
and hurts
their emotional stability.

660
00:26:22,959 --> 00:26:25,250
- It's almost like
a conveyor belt of athletes,

661
00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:26,750
that, like, you're doing
really well,

662
00:26:26,834 --> 00:26:28,625
you're doing really well,
they keep you healthy,

663
00:26:28,709 --> 00:26:31,417
but, like, when you're done,
you're off the conveyor belt.

664
00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:32,917
Like, that's--they just have
new athletes

665
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,291
from every sport

666
00:26:34,375 --> 00:26:36,083
coming in all the time.

667
00:26:36,166 --> 00:26:38,750
♪ ♪

668
00:26:38,834 --> 00:26:40,375
- When you're
a younger athlete,

669
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:41,500
they love you.

670
00:26:41,583 --> 00:26:42,959
You're the new, fresh face.

671
00:26:43,041 --> 00:26:44,208
They want to promote you.

672
00:26:44,291 --> 00:26:45,583
They want to put you
out there.

673
00:26:45,667 --> 00:26:47,917
They want everybody
to fall in love with you.

674
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,750
But after you've been
to a few Olympics,

675
00:26:49,834 --> 00:26:51,458
you know, you'll see,

676
00:26:51,542 --> 00:26:52,959
it kind of weans out.

677
00:26:53,041 --> 00:26:56,125
- You are in the business of...

678
00:26:56,208 --> 00:26:59,709
finding the latest
and the greatest athletes,

679
00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:02,291
extracting the best performance
out of them,

680
00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:03,792
and then going back
to the trough

681
00:27:03,875 --> 00:27:05,375
to look for the latest
and greatest athletes

682
00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:08,083
and doing it over again,
time and time again.

683
00:27:08,166 --> 00:27:11,291
- It's so funny, because...
[laughs]

684
00:27:11,375 --> 00:27:12,792
The longer you're here,

685
00:27:12,875 --> 00:27:14,834
you just--you're like,
"Oh, that's my replacement."

686
00:27:14,917 --> 00:27:16,500
"We got Sydney McLaughlin:

687
00:27:16,583 --> 00:27:18,583
"19 years old, marketable.

688
00:27:18,667 --> 00:27:20,041
"Social media's on fire.

689
00:27:20,125 --> 00:27:21,750
"And, Lolo, that's your exit.

690
00:27:21,834 --> 00:27:23,959
Please go right."

691
00:27:24,041 --> 00:27:24,959
Motherfucker.

692
00:27:25,041 --> 00:27:26,834
[laughter]

693
00:27:26,917 --> 00:27:28,333
♪ ♪

694
00:27:28,417 --> 00:27:30,917
- Think the system is set up
for high turnover,

695
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,959
one, and two,
the manner in which

696
00:27:35,041 --> 00:27:37,250
the funds and services
are distributed

697
00:27:37,333 --> 00:27:38,834
are incentivized.

698
00:27:38,917 --> 00:27:40,291
- Big drive.
Nice.

699
00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:42,333
- So if you're a federation
that can win medals,

700
00:27:42,417 --> 00:27:43,792
you get funding;
if you're not, you get cut,

701
00:27:43,875 --> 00:27:45,792
not just
the federation's funding

702
00:27:45,875 --> 00:27:47,834
but also the salaries
and the coaching,

703
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:50,166
so it's hard, I think,
for those people, then,

704
00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:52,667
to see the athletes
as individuals.

705
00:27:52,750 --> 00:27:54,000
[quick string music]

706
00:27:54,083 --> 00:27:55,333
- Oh!
Ooh.

707
00:27:55,417 --> 00:27:56,834
♪ ♪

708
00:27:56,917 --> 00:27:58,667
- The reality
of funding for athletes

709
00:27:58,750 --> 00:28:01,834
in this country
might surprise you.

710
00:28:01,917 --> 00:28:04,834
Stipends for training
are minimal,

711
00:28:04,917 --> 00:28:07,542
and so most Olympic hopefuls
just try to stay afloat

712
00:28:07,625 --> 00:28:09,500
while chasing their dream.

713
00:28:09,583 --> 00:28:12,542
Like, for every athlete
with a sponsor,

714
00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:15,291
there are hundreds who need
to take a second job

715
00:28:15,375 --> 00:28:17,542
just to make ends meet
while they train.

716
00:28:17,625 --> 00:28:18,834
♪ ♪

717
00:28:18,917 --> 00:28:21,834
- I grew up watching
the '96 Atlanta Olympics,

718
00:28:21,917 --> 00:28:24,709
and I've watched
the, you know, gymnastics team,

719
00:28:24,792 --> 00:28:26,333
and you had
the track and field athletes

720
00:28:26,417 --> 00:28:28,166
in all this glory.

721
00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:29,959
They're on every cover
of every magazine,

722
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:31,542
and you're thinking,

723
00:28:31,625 --> 00:28:33,709
"They're financially stable.
They have to be, right?"

724
00:28:33,792 --> 00:28:36,834
And then fast-forward
to my future,

725
00:28:36,917 --> 00:28:38,709
me trying to be
an Olympic athlete,

726
00:28:38,792 --> 00:28:42,041
and I'm living
off of $7,000 a year.

727
00:28:42,125 --> 00:28:44,208
- The whole thought
that going to the Olympics,

728
00:28:44,291 --> 00:28:46,041
and especially if you win
a medal,

729
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:48,166
sets you up for life

730
00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:51,041
is such horseshit.

731
00:28:51,125 --> 00:28:52,709
- Even if you're in
a marquee sport

732
00:28:52,792 --> 00:28:54,375
and you do so well,

733
00:28:54,458 --> 00:28:56,375
you have a limited window

734
00:28:56,458 --> 00:28:58,583
to capitalize on

735
00:28:58,667 --> 00:29:01,709
and to pay back training bills,

736
00:29:01,792 --> 00:29:04,542
and, you know,
try to earn some money,

737
00:29:04,625 --> 00:29:07,417
but for most athletes,
there's no money.

738
00:29:07,500 --> 00:29:09,041
There's no money at all.

739
00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,583
- Let's only talk
about Olympic athletes

740
00:29:10,667 --> 00:29:12,125
from the United States.

741
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:13,667
How many golds do you have?

742
00:29:13,750 --> 00:29:15,417
Because if you're silver,
you're not making money.

743
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:16,542
You're bronze,
you're not making money.

744
00:29:16,625 --> 00:29:17,542
You didn't medal?

745
00:29:17,625 --> 00:29:19,500
I don't even know
your name, pal.

746
00:29:19,583 --> 00:29:21,583
Go back to the end
of the line, okay?

747
00:29:21,667 --> 00:29:23,250
Out of the gold medals,

748
00:29:23,333 --> 00:29:25,917
how many of those are actually
being concentrated on

749
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,208
by corporate America
to be hired

750
00:29:27,291 --> 00:29:29,208
by speaking engagements
or sponsorships?

751
00:29:29,291 --> 00:29:31,417
You got such a small amount
of people

752
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:33,583
who are actually making money,

753
00:29:33,667 --> 00:29:35,875
and that moneymaking
opportunity

754
00:29:35,959 --> 00:29:37,417
has a life cycle...

755
00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:39,458
Lettuce, tomato,
jalapeño peppers.

756
00:29:39,542 --> 00:29:40,583
You gotta try it.

757
00:29:40,667 --> 00:29:42,542
I would say on average,

758
00:29:42,625 --> 00:29:44,375
unless your family
is funding you

759
00:29:44,458 --> 00:29:45,792
throughout this process,

760
00:29:45,875 --> 00:29:47,917
which many do,

761
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:51,041
you are in debt
every single year you compete,

762
00:29:51,125 --> 00:29:53,667
even with the amount
that you make.

763
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:55,583
[melancholy music]

764
00:29:55,667 --> 00:29:57,667
- I'm in huge debt.

765
00:29:57,750 --> 00:30:00,125
In the last quad,
I had to fund myself.

766
00:30:00,208 --> 00:30:01,625
I had a small stipend,

767
00:30:01,709 --> 00:30:03,083
but it's not sufficient.

768
00:30:03,166 --> 00:30:05,125
Like, $750 a month,

769
00:30:05,208 --> 00:30:06,750
$1,250 a month.

770
00:30:06,834 --> 00:30:09,625
- I've had years
where I can make a killing,

771
00:30:09,709 --> 00:30:12,333
and then I've had years
where--I mean, bobsled,

772
00:30:12,417 --> 00:30:15,250
my check was $725
for the whole season.

773
00:30:15,333 --> 00:30:16,834
Tell me how I live
off of that.

774
00:30:16,917 --> 00:30:18,125
♪ ♪

775
00:30:18,208 --> 00:30:19,375
As an Olympic athlete,

776
00:30:19,458 --> 00:30:22,000
so I've been a hostess
at a restaurant.

777
00:30:22,083 --> 00:30:24,458
I was--I worked
at Home Depot.

778
00:30:24,542 --> 00:30:25,542
I think it was
the most shocking

779
00:30:25,625 --> 00:30:27,375
when I was working at the gym

780
00:30:27,458 --> 00:30:30,792
and I was making smoothies
for people

781
00:30:30,875 --> 00:30:35,125
and my track race played...

782
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,959
and I'm literally
making somebody a smoothie,

783
00:30:37,041 --> 00:30:40,500
and they're like, "Is that you?
Like, why are..."

784
00:30:40,583 --> 00:30:41,834
They couldn't get it.

785
00:30:41,917 --> 00:30:43,000
Like, do you see, like,

786
00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:44,959
any football player
go compete

787
00:30:45,041 --> 00:30:46,500
and then they're
making smoothies

788
00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:48,875
for people at a gym
for $7 an hour?

789
00:30:48,959 --> 00:30:53,041
♪ ♪

790
00:30:53,125 --> 00:30:55,000
- I'll say I've been
extremely fortunate

791
00:30:55,083 --> 00:30:56,667
to have a lot of support,

792
00:30:56,750 --> 00:30:58,000
have a lot of sponsors.

793
00:30:58,083 --> 00:31:00,333
If you're on the national team
for swimming,

794
00:31:00,417 --> 00:31:02,917
you get $1,700 a month.

795
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,667
That's supposed to get you
through...

796
00:31:05,750 --> 00:31:11,667
training expenses, so travel,
living expenses,

797
00:31:11,750 --> 00:31:15,667
eating, car--all of the stuff.

798
00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:16,834
It's hard.

799
00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:19,375
I mean, if that's
the only thing that you have,

800
00:31:19,458 --> 00:31:22,250
it's almost impossible.

801
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:27,083
- For me, I think I was
most scared after this year

802
00:31:27,166 --> 00:31:28,750
and I didn't make the team

803
00:31:28,834 --> 00:31:31,000
and literally got an email

804
00:31:31,083 --> 00:31:34,834
saying my health insurance
was gonna be cut a month later,

805
00:31:34,917 --> 00:31:37,250
and I was like,
"Are you kidding me?"

806
00:31:37,333 --> 00:31:38,834
♪ ♪

807
00:31:38,917 --> 00:31:41,583
- When your financial security
is so closely linked

808
00:31:41,667 --> 00:31:43,542
to your success,

809
00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:47,375
the pressure to perform
adds up.

810
00:31:47,458 --> 00:31:48,875
That pressure
is just something else

811
00:31:48,959 --> 00:31:52,250
that can take a toll
on your mental health.

812
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,208
- USA bobsled
and the U.S. Olympic Committee

813
00:31:54,291 --> 00:31:55,375
came to me, and it was like,

814
00:31:55,458 --> 00:31:57,166
"Hey, look, you've
never actually won

815
00:31:57,250 --> 00:31:59,083
"any sort of medal
in bobsledding yet.

816
00:31:59,166 --> 00:32:01,417
"You're USA-1;
you're our top driver

817
00:32:01,500 --> 00:32:03,375
"going into this next season.

818
00:32:03,458 --> 00:32:04,625
"We really need you to do well.

819
00:32:04,709 --> 00:32:06,750
If not, like,
we just can't support you."

820
00:32:06,834 --> 00:32:09,625
All of a sudden now
the entire weight of...

821
00:32:09,709 --> 00:32:11,583
the program is on my shoulders.

822
00:32:11,667 --> 00:32:14,166
I'd better do well.

823
00:32:14,875 --> 00:32:17,083
- Katie Uhlaender
from the United States,

824
00:32:17,166 --> 00:32:18,750
24 years old,

825
00:32:18,834 --> 00:32:20,917
out of Breckenridge,
Colorado, the two-time...

826
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,709
- 2008, when my father
was diagnosed with cancer

827
00:32:23,792 --> 00:32:25,583
and I went on tour--

828
00:32:25,667 --> 00:32:27,417
which for skeleton,
when we go on tour,

829
00:32:27,500 --> 00:32:28,458
it's six months.

830
00:32:28,542 --> 00:32:31,917
You are on the road
from October until April.

831
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,750
My dad understood,
and he told me to go compete

832
00:32:34,834 --> 00:32:36,375
while he was sick.

833
00:32:36,458 --> 00:32:38,625
But I got these emails
from my mom

834
00:32:38,709 --> 00:32:39,917
saying he was not doing well;

835
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,291
like, I needed to come home.

836
00:32:42,375 --> 00:32:46,333
I, like, turned to my coach
every time, and I said,

837
00:32:46,417 --> 00:32:49,792
"I think I might need
to go home,"

838
00:32:49,875 --> 00:32:52,291
and he said, "We can't."

839
00:32:52,375 --> 00:32:53,458
And I said, "Why?"

840
00:32:53,542 --> 00:32:56,000
And he goes, "'Cause you're
the only one we have.

841
00:32:56,083 --> 00:32:58,291
We need you to make--
to get medals."

842
00:32:58,375 --> 00:32:59,667
- Here she comes,

843
00:32:59,750 --> 00:33:01,959
rocketing into 12th.

844
00:33:02,041 --> 00:33:03,083
- So the first time,

845
00:33:03,166 --> 00:33:05,583
I kind of, like,
didn't respond,

846
00:33:05,667 --> 00:33:07,083
but then when I got
the second email

847
00:33:07,166 --> 00:33:09,792
from my mom saying
he wasn't gonna make it...

848
00:33:09,875 --> 00:33:12,959
[sniffles]
I asked again.

849
00:33:13,041 --> 00:33:15,250
[breathing raggedly]

850
00:33:15,333 --> 00:33:18,667
♪ ♪

851
00:33:18,750 --> 00:33:20,500
And he gave me
the same answer.

852
00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:23,667
♪ ♪

853
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:25,000
[announcers commenting
indistinctly]

854
00:33:25,083 --> 00:33:28,667
And...it's really difficult
in that situation,

855
00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:30,667
'cause I love the sport,
my father understood,

856
00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:32,709
but I wanted to go home,

857
00:33:32,792 --> 00:33:34,709
and it was just becoming
so difficult

858
00:33:34,792 --> 00:33:36,583
to try to convince myself
and them

859
00:33:36,667 --> 00:33:38,208
that I wanted to go,

860
00:33:38,291 --> 00:33:44,000
but...when he--he did pass away
while I was competing,

861
00:33:44,083 --> 00:33:46,500
and...

862
00:33:46,583 --> 00:33:49,250
I don't think
that I ever got over that.

863
00:33:52,709 --> 00:33:54,375
[somber music]

864
00:33:54,458 --> 00:33:55,959
- In my case,

865
00:33:56,041 --> 00:33:57,375
there were a lot
of warning signs

866
00:33:57,458 --> 00:33:59,166
that I couldn't handle
the changes in my life

867
00:33:59,250 --> 00:34:01,500
after my success
at the Olympics.

868
00:34:01,583 --> 00:34:02,792
♪ ♪

869
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:05,333
I definitely made
some bad decisions.

870
00:34:05,417 --> 00:34:07,667
- Just a few months
after winning Olympic gold,

871
00:34:07,750 --> 00:34:10,208
Michael Phelps was busted
for drunk driving.

872
00:34:10,291 --> 00:34:13,208
♪ ♪

873
00:34:13,291 --> 00:34:16,875
- And then rock bottom came
in 2014,

874
00:34:16,959 --> 00:34:19,542
and that put everything
that had come before

875
00:34:19,625 --> 00:34:21,208
into perspective.

876
00:34:21,291 --> 00:34:22,917
♪ ♪

877
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,041
[siren wailing]

878
00:34:24,125 --> 00:34:25,875
- 56th Street?
- Affirmative, 56th.

879
00:34:25,959 --> 00:34:27,583
- Michael Phelps,

880
00:34:27,667 --> 00:34:30,333
the most decorated Olympian
of all time,

881
00:34:30,417 --> 00:34:34,375
has been arrested again
for DUI.

882
00:34:34,458 --> 00:34:37,166
[uneasy music]

883
00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:39,875
- I get pulled over,
go home that night.

884
00:34:39,959 --> 00:34:43,166
I mean, I'm just a wreck,
a wreck.

885
00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:45,709
Just sitting there
in that room,

886
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,917
didn't leave,

887
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,750
didn't drink water,
didn't drink anything,

888
00:34:49,834 --> 00:34:51,250
didn't eat anything,

889
00:34:51,333 --> 00:34:53,250
just sat in my room,
basically, curled up,

890
00:34:53,333 --> 00:34:55,291
and cried.

891
00:34:55,375 --> 00:34:58,125
♪ ♪

892
00:34:58,208 --> 00:35:01,083
I was like, "Well, this is
everything coming to an end

893
00:35:01,166 --> 00:35:02,583
in front of my eyes."

894
00:35:02,667 --> 00:35:04,750
♪ ♪

895
00:35:04,834 --> 00:35:05,834
And that's
where I was just like,

896
00:35:05,917 --> 00:35:07,291
"Why don't I just end it all?"

897
00:35:07,375 --> 00:35:14,375
♪ ♪

898
00:35:15,333 --> 00:35:17,417
In the end, I was fortunate

899
00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:19,250
to have some great people
around me

900
00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:22,458
and the resources
to get real help.

901
00:35:22,542 --> 00:35:24,959
I checked in
to a treatment center,

902
00:35:25,041 --> 00:35:26,250
turned my cell phone off,

903
00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:29,291
and spent the next 45 days
rebuilding myself

904
00:35:29,375 --> 00:35:30,667
from the ground up.

905
00:35:30,750 --> 00:35:33,917
♪ ♪

906
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:35,458
And then when I came back

907
00:35:35,542 --> 00:35:38,333
and found myself
in a much better place,

908
00:35:38,417 --> 00:35:41,625
there was
this other realization, too,

909
00:35:41,709 --> 00:35:44,291
that I wasn't
the only Olympian

910
00:35:44,375 --> 00:35:46,166
who felt the way I did.

911
00:35:46,250 --> 00:35:47,792
♪ ♪

912
00:35:47,875 --> 00:35:50,458
- Post-2008,
I was so broken-down

913
00:35:50,542 --> 00:35:52,125
that I would be driving
in my car

914
00:35:52,208 --> 00:35:54,959
and I would just be like,
"I just hope a truck hits me.

915
00:35:55,041 --> 00:35:57,542
"I just hope, like, a truck
hits me and wipes me out

916
00:35:57,625 --> 00:36:00,125
and they don't get hurt
but I do, like, that I'm done."

917
00:36:00,208 --> 00:36:02,792
I just would want to be gone.

918
00:36:02,875 --> 00:36:04,709
I would fight
suicidal thoughts.

919
00:36:04,792 --> 00:36:06,500
I would fight
sitting in my car,

920
00:36:06,583 --> 00:36:10,000
just closing the garage doors
with the car on.

921
00:36:10,083 --> 00:36:12,375
- Depression is--once it
kind of starts going,

922
00:36:12,458 --> 00:36:13,834
it just puts you
into a spiral,

923
00:36:13,917 --> 00:36:16,417
and you just start getting
deeper and deeper into it

924
00:36:16,500 --> 00:36:20,166
and just end up
doing crazy things.

925
00:36:20,250 --> 00:36:23,500
♪ ♪

926
00:36:23,583 --> 00:36:27,500
- I was like, "Why?
What's the point, man?

927
00:36:27,583 --> 00:36:29,166
"What's the point of going
to the Olympic Games,

928
00:36:29,250 --> 00:36:31,333
"what's the point
of sacrificing

929
00:36:31,417 --> 00:36:33,166
"and training
all of these hours

930
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:36,792
if this is what I have
to show for it?"

931
00:36:36,875 --> 00:36:39,166
That point, I remember, like,

932
00:36:39,250 --> 00:36:41,834
how do I just make this
painless, quick,

933
00:36:41,917 --> 00:36:43,500
and end my life?

934
00:36:43,583 --> 00:36:45,709
♪ ♪

935
00:36:45,792 --> 00:36:48,000
Came to a couple
different plans,

936
00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:50,250
and I don't think I ever got
to the point

937
00:36:50,333 --> 00:36:54,917
where I felt confident enough

938
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,000
to act out a suicide, but...

939
00:36:57,083 --> 00:37:00,709
Like, hanging myself?
No.

940
00:37:00,792 --> 00:37:01,917
Shooting myself?

941
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,667
No idea how to get a gun.

942
00:37:03,750 --> 00:37:07,041
And my best option
was driving so fast,

943
00:37:07,125 --> 00:37:09,375
smoking myself
on a telephone pole.

944
00:37:09,458 --> 00:37:10,542
I won't feel a thing.

945
00:37:10,625 --> 00:37:13,083
But it's gonna be easier
for me to be done

946
00:37:13,166 --> 00:37:14,750
with this life.

947
00:37:14,834 --> 00:37:16,875
♪ ♪

948
00:37:16,959 --> 00:37:19,583
- May 2017 is when

949
00:37:19,667 --> 00:37:24,333
I really started thinking
about, like, ending my life

950
00:37:24,417 --> 00:37:28,375
because it was
almost unbearable.

951
00:37:28,458 --> 00:37:30,041
♪ ♪

952
00:37:30,125 --> 00:37:32,375
I had a good day
if I got out of bed

953
00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:35,750
before 11:00 or noon,

954
00:37:35,834 --> 00:37:36,917
I wash my face,
I brush my hair,

955
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:38,291
I brush my teeth,

956
00:37:38,375 --> 00:37:41,583
and, like, I left my apartment.

957
00:37:41,667 --> 00:37:43,875
I was like, "I don't know
what's on the other side,

958
00:37:43,959 --> 00:37:46,417
"but I think that that
would probably be better

959
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:49,208
than whatever I'm living
right now."

960
00:37:49,291 --> 00:37:51,041
♪ ♪

961
00:37:51,125 --> 00:37:53,083
The only reason
I didn't kill myself

962
00:37:53,166 --> 00:37:55,250
is because
my twin sister, Carly.

963
00:37:55,333 --> 00:37:59,166
There's no way that I would
just leave her like that.

964
00:37:59,250 --> 00:38:01,083
I was stuck
in that weird place

965
00:38:01,166 --> 00:38:04,250
between not necessarily
wanting to die

966
00:38:04,333 --> 00:38:07,041
but, like, I couldn't go on
as I was going

967
00:38:07,125 --> 00:38:09,375
because I really just wanted
to live again

968
00:38:09,458 --> 00:38:11,083
and, like, feel good things

969
00:38:11,166 --> 00:38:12,291
and, like, see the world again

970
00:38:12,375 --> 00:38:15,000
and, like, be involved
in my life.

971
00:38:15,083 --> 00:38:17,792
It was like my life
was a snow globe

972
00:38:17,875 --> 00:38:19,333
and I could look in
and I could see

973
00:38:19,417 --> 00:38:20,959
everything that was happening

974
00:38:21,041 --> 00:38:23,000
but I couldn't be involved
in it.

975
00:38:23,083 --> 00:38:25,625
There's just, like, this wall
separating me

976
00:38:25,709 --> 00:38:27,417
from the rest of the world.

977
00:38:27,500 --> 00:38:31,291
♪ ♪

978
00:38:31,375 --> 00:38:32,458
- I went downstairs.

979
00:38:32,542 --> 00:38:34,125
I just decided,
"You know what? This is time.

980
00:38:34,208 --> 00:38:36,458
I have an opportunity here."

981
00:38:36,542 --> 00:38:39,959
That's kind of the last thing
I remember.

982
00:38:40,041 --> 00:38:41,458
What makes it scary is--
after the fact

983
00:38:41,542 --> 00:38:43,250
is, you don't realize
all the people

984
00:38:43,333 --> 00:38:46,000
that would've been crushed
and devastated.

985
00:38:46,083 --> 00:38:49,500
♪ ♪

986
00:38:49,583 --> 00:38:51,625
I didn't tell anybody.
[clears throat]

987
00:38:51,709 --> 00:38:55,166
In fact, even after I won
the gold medal in Vancouver,

988
00:38:55,250 --> 00:38:57,333
I still didn't tell anybody--
nobody.

989
00:38:57,417 --> 00:39:01,000
That was a moment
between...me and God

990
00:39:01,083 --> 00:39:04,041
or, you know, just me
and the bedroom,

991
00:39:04,125 --> 00:39:05,333
and that was it.

992
00:39:05,417 --> 00:39:06,542
There was...

993
00:39:06,625 --> 00:39:09,959
Nobody else would get to know
or find out, ever.

994
00:39:10,041 --> 00:39:11,667
And it wasn't
till I wrote my book

995
00:39:11,750 --> 00:39:15,834
that I decided
people need to know.

996
00:39:15,917 --> 00:39:19,333
And actually...
[clears throat]

997
00:39:19,417 --> 00:39:22,375
One of the big motivations was,

998
00:39:22,458 --> 00:39:25,166
close friend of mine,
an athlete,

999
00:39:25,250 --> 00:39:27,875
Jeret Peterson,
killed himself

1000
00:39:27,959 --> 00:39:29,291
about the time I was writing
my book,

1001
00:39:29,375 --> 00:39:31,709
and that's what triggered--
it was kind of like,

1002
00:39:31,792 --> 00:39:33,291
this is a big--this is
like an epidemic.

1003
00:39:33,375 --> 00:39:35,166
It's...not just him.

1004
00:39:35,250 --> 00:39:36,333
There's a lot of people
out there

1005
00:39:36,417 --> 00:39:38,834
that are suffering
through this.

1006
00:39:38,917 --> 00:39:40,041
[wind howling]

1007
00:39:40,125 --> 00:39:42,333
- I grew up with Speedy.

1008
00:39:42,417 --> 00:39:43,417
Of course, he was
on the aerials team.

1009
00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:44,750
I was on the moguls team.

1010
00:39:44,834 --> 00:39:46,709
And we were the young guys
on the team.

1011
00:39:46,792 --> 00:39:49,542
I looked at him
like a carefree kid

1012
00:39:49,625 --> 00:39:51,542
that had so much fun.

1013
00:39:51,625 --> 00:39:53,875
He was always smiling.
He was always happy.

1014
00:39:53,959 --> 00:39:55,917
- And, Speedy, how did you
get that nickname?

1015
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:58,000
- That nickname started
when I was 11 years old

1016
00:39:58,083 --> 00:39:59,208
when I went to my first camp.

1017
00:39:59,291 --> 00:40:00,583
I had a checkered life jacket

1018
00:40:00,667 --> 00:40:01,709
and a big racing helmet

1019
00:40:01,792 --> 00:40:02,834
that I borrowed
from my uncle...

1020
00:40:02,917 --> 00:40:04,834
- Oh, okay.
- And didn't really grasp

1021
00:40:04,917 --> 00:40:06,208
the concept of waiting in line,

1022
00:40:06,291 --> 00:40:07,917
and so I'd cut in front
of all the other campers

1023
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,166
and get five jumps
in the time they got two.

1024
00:40:10,250 --> 00:40:11,709
- Okay, so it wasn't
a girlfriend.

1025
00:40:11,792 --> 00:40:13,208
- No, no, luckily.

1026
00:40:13,291 --> 00:40:15,875
She'd probably be
an ex-girlfriend.

1027
00:40:15,959 --> 00:40:19,375
- It wasn't until 2009,

1028
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:20,750
when we were in Lake Placid

1029
00:40:20,834 --> 00:40:23,959
at the Olympic Training Center
for a World Cup,

1030
00:40:24,041 --> 00:40:26,041
and he said, "Hey, can I chat
with you for a second?"

1031
00:40:26,125 --> 00:40:27,583
And I said "Sure."

1032
00:40:27,667 --> 00:40:29,917
And we went to the TV room--
it was night;

1033
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:32,208
it was dark;
there's no one around--

1034
00:40:32,291 --> 00:40:33,458
and he said,

1035
00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:35,250
"You know, I want to open up
to you for a second."

1036
00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:38,291
And I said,
"Sure, what's on your mind?"

1037
00:40:38,375 --> 00:40:41,625
He started crying,
and he said,

1038
00:40:41,709 --> 00:40:44,083
"Most days, I don't want
to be alive."

1039
00:40:44,166 --> 00:40:46,583
And I didn't know anything
about mental health

1040
00:40:46,667 --> 00:40:48,333
at that point.

1041
00:40:48,417 --> 00:40:49,625
I was so off-guard

1042
00:40:49,709 --> 00:40:51,542
because I think of Speedy
as somebody

1043
00:40:51,625 --> 00:40:53,083
who's always been so happy

1044
00:40:53,166 --> 00:40:54,583
and so successful,

1045
00:40:54,667 --> 00:40:55,709
and I didn't know
how to react,

1046
00:40:55,792 --> 00:40:57,917
and I just said,
"Speedy, look at you.

1047
00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:59,917
"You're so
incredibly successful.

1048
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,709
"You're a good-looking kid.

1049
00:41:01,792 --> 00:41:03,417
"You have the wind
behind your sails.

1050
00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:05,417
Like, you know,
what's going on?"

1051
00:41:05,500 --> 00:41:07,500
And, you know, he just
really opened up to me,

1052
00:41:07,583 --> 00:41:11,709
and I often think
about that moment.

1053
00:41:11,792 --> 00:41:13,834
I wish I could go back
to it now,

1054
00:41:13,917 --> 00:41:16,000
because I think
I would've handled it

1055
00:41:16,083 --> 00:41:17,917
a lot differently
than I did.

1056
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:19,917
♪ ♪

1057
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:24,500
- He was horribly depressed.

1058
00:41:24,583 --> 00:41:28,333
When he was young,
he was sexually abused.

1059
00:41:28,417 --> 00:41:30,875
His roommate took his life
with a gun,

1060
00:41:30,959 --> 00:41:33,333
and Jeret was witness
to that whole thing,

1061
00:41:33,417 --> 00:41:38,959
and from there on,
life was never the same.

1062
00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:42,333
And that was six months
before the Torino Olympics.

1063
00:41:42,417 --> 00:41:44,166
I didn't want him to go.

1064
00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:46,917
I begged him not to go,
but he insisted.

1065
00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:49,792
He was beside himself.

1066
00:41:49,875 --> 00:41:52,667
He didn't know
where to go, who to turn to.

1067
00:41:52,750 --> 00:41:54,667
He lost his identity.

1068
00:41:54,750 --> 00:41:56,834
He told me
that he didn't think

1069
00:41:56,917 --> 00:42:00,291
he was gonna be able
to hang on for very long

1070
00:42:00,375 --> 00:42:03,709
and to not be surprised.

1071
00:42:03,792 --> 00:42:06,625
[dark music]

1072
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,917
[somber music]

1073
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:28,917
♪ ♪

1074
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:29,917
- You fall to your knees,

1075
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:34,000
and your heart just...shatters.

1076
00:42:34,083 --> 00:42:35,375
♪ ♪

1077
00:42:35,458 --> 00:42:40,041
I'm not angry at him
for what he did.

1078
00:42:40,125 --> 00:42:43,208
The pain becomes
insurmountable,

1079
00:42:43,291 --> 00:42:45,375
and the pain
that he was having,

1080
00:42:45,458 --> 00:42:48,208
I know, 'cause I saw it.

1081
00:42:48,291 --> 00:42:51,041
Your spirit is crushed,

1082
00:42:51,125 --> 00:42:55,083
and it truly was unbearable
with him.

1083
00:42:55,166 --> 00:42:56,750
♪ ♪

1084
00:42:56,834 --> 00:42:58,709
- I couldn't help but feel

1085
00:42:58,792 --> 00:43:00,500
a little bit responsible.

1086
00:43:00,583 --> 00:43:03,375
I couldn't help but feel like,
you know,

1087
00:43:03,458 --> 00:43:04,750
"What could I have done
differently?

1088
00:43:04,834 --> 00:43:07,083
"Who could I have talked to?

1089
00:43:07,166 --> 00:43:11,291
You know, is there something
I could've done more?"

1090
00:43:11,375 --> 00:43:13,000
That's something
I struggle with.

1091
00:43:19,625 --> 00:43:21,333
- You might be listening
to all of us talk

1092
00:43:21,417 --> 00:43:23,583
about our struggles
and wonder,

1093
00:43:23,667 --> 00:43:25,625
"Why don't you just get help?"

1094
00:43:25,709 --> 00:43:27,500
♪ ♪

1095
00:43:27,583 --> 00:43:30,125
Well, there are
a lot of reasons,

1096
00:43:30,208 --> 00:43:32,792
and probably the biggest
is connected to what got us

1097
00:43:32,875 --> 00:43:35,583
to the top in the first place:

1098
00:43:35,667 --> 00:43:38,917
our conviction that we
can make ourselves unbeatable

1099
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,250
if we just work at it,

1100
00:43:41,333 --> 00:43:44,792
our belief that there's no way
we should ever need help...

1101
00:43:44,875 --> 00:43:47,083
♪ ♪

1102
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:48,834
Our fear
that we'll become weak

1103
00:43:48,917 --> 00:43:50,750
if we show any vulnerability.

1104
00:43:50,834 --> 00:43:52,959
♪ ♪

1105
00:43:53,041 --> 00:43:55,333
The stigma of having
mental health problems

1106
00:43:55,417 --> 00:43:58,458
is a huge issue
all across society,

1107
00:43:58,542 --> 00:44:01,000
how tough the issues are
to talk about

1108
00:44:01,083 --> 00:44:04,166
or even just acknowledge.

1109
00:44:04,250 --> 00:44:05,709
And Olympians
are definitely a group

1110
00:44:05,792 --> 00:44:09,500
who want to keep their pain
out of sight.

1111
00:44:09,583 --> 00:44:11,125
- It's very, very simple.

1112
00:44:11,208 --> 00:44:12,333
Athletes...

1113
00:44:12,417 --> 00:44:15,125
most likely
don't get help for...

1114
00:44:15,208 --> 00:44:17,834
depression

1115
00:44:17,917 --> 00:44:21,417
or, you know,
mental health issues

1116
00:44:21,500 --> 00:44:24,458
because they can't even admit
that it's an issue.

1117
00:44:24,542 --> 00:44:26,458
That is so fundamentally
at odds

1118
00:44:26,542 --> 00:44:28,667
with being a competitor.

1119
00:44:28,750 --> 00:44:32,500
This is war.
It's a game of strategy.

1120
00:44:32,583 --> 00:44:36,166
It's a game of maneuvering
and posturing.

1121
00:44:36,250 --> 00:44:39,500
You need to show the world
that you are strong.

1122
00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:41,041
You need to show
all your competitors

1123
00:44:41,125 --> 00:44:42,959
that you are strong.

1124
00:44:43,041 --> 00:44:45,875
And so if you were
to say, like,

1125
00:44:45,959 --> 00:44:47,000
"Oh, I have mental issues,"

1126
00:44:47,083 --> 00:44:49,750
like, that just cracks

1127
00:44:49,834 --> 00:44:52,542
the façade of trying
to show the world

1128
00:44:52,625 --> 00:44:54,959
that you're impervious.

1129
00:44:55,041 --> 00:44:56,166
♪ ♪

1130
00:44:56,250 --> 00:44:57,500
- I was worried that people
would see me

1131
00:44:57,583 --> 00:44:59,000
as this fragile person,

1132
00:44:59,083 --> 00:45:00,291
somebody they didn't
want around

1133
00:45:00,375 --> 00:45:01,709
or, like, "Hey, you can't rely
on Holcomb,

1134
00:45:01,792 --> 00:45:02,959
"'cause who knows
what he's gonna think?

1135
00:45:03,041 --> 00:45:04,667
He's thinking crazy stuff,"

1136
00:45:04,750 --> 00:45:06,000
or, you know,
"He's mentally not fit

1137
00:45:06,083 --> 00:45:08,333
to be"--whatever.

1138
00:45:08,417 --> 00:45:10,041
You know, you don't want
the stigma of that

1139
00:45:10,125 --> 00:45:11,375
going around.

1140
00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:12,542
And so I didn't--I just--

1141
00:45:12,625 --> 00:45:14,750
I didn't tell anybody;
I kept that to myself.

1142
00:45:14,834 --> 00:45:16,709
♪ ♪

1143
00:45:16,792 --> 00:45:19,208
- Athletes just don't talk
about our weaknesses.

1144
00:45:19,291 --> 00:45:20,875
We're tough.

1145
00:45:20,959 --> 00:45:23,333
We will hide anything from--
and especially if it's

1146
00:45:23,417 --> 00:45:24,417
a team environment,

1147
00:45:24,500 --> 00:45:26,875
'cause you don't want to let
someone know

1148
00:45:26,959 --> 00:45:28,917
what you're kind of
going through.

1149
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:30,542
♪ ♪

1150
00:45:30,625 --> 00:45:33,250
- The biggest thing
that I struggled with

1151
00:45:33,333 --> 00:45:35,333
is that from the outside,

1152
00:45:35,417 --> 00:45:37,250
it's like,
"You got everything.

1153
00:45:37,333 --> 00:45:41,250
Why aren't you happy
all the time, 24-7?"

1154
00:45:41,333 --> 00:45:43,166
- So if I had, like,
blown out my knee,

1155
00:45:43,250 --> 00:45:44,709
I know for a fact
I would've had

1156
00:45:44,792 --> 00:45:46,458
the top physical therapist,

1157
00:45:46,542 --> 00:45:48,375
the top surgeon, orthopedic,

1158
00:45:48,458 --> 00:45:51,750
like, absolutely whatever
I needed fixing my knee.

1159
00:45:51,834 --> 00:45:53,917
And I know that if I--

1160
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,291
'Cause I mentioned, like,
one time before to someone

1161
00:45:56,375 --> 00:45:58,125
in the federation, like,

1162
00:45:58,208 --> 00:45:59,542
"I'm actually really
going through some, like,

1163
00:45:59,625 --> 00:46:02,291
"really dark shit right now,

1164
00:46:02,375 --> 00:46:04,625
and it's really interfering."

1165
00:46:04,709 --> 00:46:05,917
They said, "Oh, well,
you could, like, look up

1166
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,041
a therapist in your area."

1167
00:46:08,125 --> 00:46:10,417
Being an Olympian
is advertised

1168
00:46:10,500 --> 00:46:12,291
as this amazing thing,

1169
00:46:12,375 --> 00:46:16,542
and they leave out
all of the side effects.

1170
00:46:16,625 --> 00:46:19,291
So let's say that you make it
to the Olympics.

1171
00:46:19,375 --> 00:46:21,625
Some side effects may include
an eating disorder,

1172
00:46:21,709 --> 00:46:22,792
depression,

1173
00:46:22,875 --> 00:46:25,917
anxiety, suicidal ideation,

1174
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,750
almost, like, a disconnect
from the real world,

1175
00:46:28,834 --> 00:46:31,291
and then when all those
side effects do happen,

1176
00:46:31,375 --> 00:46:32,792
there's nothing in play

1177
00:46:32,875 --> 00:46:36,083
to, like, help you with those.

1178
00:46:36,166 --> 00:46:37,291
They kind of advertise
this, like,

1179
00:46:37,375 --> 00:46:39,834
"keeping our athletes healthy
and happy,"

1180
00:46:39,917 --> 00:46:42,667
and, like, they really
only deliver physically.

1181
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:44,417
Everything else
is just kind of like,

1182
00:46:44,500 --> 00:46:46,166
"Oh, not our problem."

1183
00:46:46,250 --> 00:46:48,208
♪ ♪

1184
00:46:48,291 --> 00:46:49,917
- I think
I can honestly say now,

1185
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,291
sort of looking back
throughout my career,

1186
00:46:52,375 --> 00:46:54,458
I don't think
anybody really cared

1187
00:46:54,542 --> 00:46:56,417
to help us.

1188
00:46:56,500 --> 00:46:58,125
I don't think anybody
really jumped in

1189
00:46:58,208 --> 00:47:01,125
to ask us if we were okay.

1190
00:47:01,208 --> 00:47:02,458
As long as we were performing,

1191
00:47:02,542 --> 00:47:06,333
I don't think
anything else really mattered.

1192
00:47:06,417 --> 00:47:08,291
It's pretty unfortunate
to say,

1193
00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:09,834
pretty sad to say.

1194
00:47:09,917 --> 00:47:12,709
♪ ♪

1195
00:47:12,792 --> 00:47:14,500
- I think the last thing
on my mind

1196
00:47:14,583 --> 00:47:15,667
was, like, "How can USA Diving

1197
00:47:15,750 --> 00:47:17,208
"and how can
the Olympic Committee

1198
00:47:17,291 --> 00:47:18,291
help me with this?"

1199
00:47:18,375 --> 00:47:20,709
They can help me
with my mental preparation

1200
00:47:20,792 --> 00:47:22,542
and they've done
a phenomenal job

1201
00:47:22,625 --> 00:47:26,834
of, how do I mentally
stay strong in my sport?

1202
00:47:26,917 --> 00:47:29,083
But not once
have I gotten wisdom:

1203
00:47:29,166 --> 00:47:32,208
how does David stay strong
outside of my sport?

1204
00:47:32,291 --> 00:47:37,208
- The problem is,
without fully understanding

1205
00:47:37,291 --> 00:47:38,500
who should be helping us,

1206
00:47:38,583 --> 00:47:40,709
it's hard to seek out
the right person,

1207
00:47:40,792 --> 00:47:42,166
'cause it seems
like psychologists

1208
00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:43,166
and sports psychologists,

1209
00:47:43,250 --> 00:47:45,375
like, everyone wants to work
with an Olympian

1210
00:47:45,458 --> 00:47:48,625
and have--you know, claim
credit for your performance,

1211
00:47:48,709 --> 00:47:51,500
but when it comes
to serious family issues

1212
00:47:51,583 --> 00:47:54,041
or mental health issues,

1213
00:47:54,125 --> 00:47:57,542
it's almost nonexistent.

1214
00:47:57,625 --> 00:47:59,166
- I'm just really frustrated
with the system,

1215
00:47:59,250 --> 00:48:03,375
and I think as I am more
on the tail end of my career,

1216
00:48:03,458 --> 00:48:05,875
that's where
it really becomes apparent.

1217
00:48:05,959 --> 00:48:08,959
[applause]

1218
00:48:10,959 --> 00:48:12,000
- This is it.

1219
00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:13,000
I've said it before,

1220
00:48:13,083 --> 00:48:14,208
but you guys can say it.

1221
00:48:14,291 --> 00:48:16,417
This is the last time.

1222
00:48:17,667 --> 00:48:19,709
No matter
how your career goes

1223
00:48:19,792 --> 00:48:21,417
or how long it lasts,

1224
00:48:21,500 --> 00:48:22,875
there's one inevitable end

1225
00:48:22,959 --> 00:48:24,542
we all have in common:

1226
00:48:24,625 --> 00:48:27,041
retirement.

1227
00:48:27,125 --> 00:48:29,375
It's not really natural
to retire

1228
00:48:29,458 --> 00:48:31,709
when you're in your 20s
or 30s,

1229
00:48:31,792 --> 00:48:33,041
and when you've devoted
your life

1230
00:48:33,125 --> 00:48:35,500
to a pursuit
of such a singular goal

1231
00:48:35,583 --> 00:48:37,542
and then leave it all behind,

1232
00:48:37,625 --> 00:48:39,583
there's that giant question:

1233
00:48:39,667 --> 00:48:41,917
now what?

1234
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:43,709
And even bigger:

1235
00:48:43,792 --> 00:48:45,750
who am I?

1236
00:48:45,834 --> 00:48:47,417
And the truth is,

1237
00:48:47,500 --> 00:48:49,709
there aren't tons of programs
in place

1238
00:48:49,792 --> 00:48:51,750
to help athletes
handle the emotions

1239
00:48:51,834 --> 00:48:53,959
of that transition.

1240
00:48:54,041 --> 00:48:57,166
- What is available to retired
Olympic athletes post-career?

1241
00:48:57,250 --> 00:48:59,125
I don't think
there's anything.

1242
00:48:59,208 --> 00:49:02,041
If you're talking
about third-party resources

1243
00:49:02,125 --> 00:49:04,125
that I'm aware of,
I don't think there's any.

1244
00:49:04,208 --> 00:49:05,834
There's none that I've used.

1245
00:49:05,917 --> 00:49:08,041
There's actually zero
that I have used

1246
00:49:08,125 --> 00:49:10,458
in 9 1/2 years
I've been retired.

1247
00:49:10,542 --> 00:49:13,125
There's no pension.
There's no bonus.

1248
00:49:13,208 --> 00:49:16,250
There's no stock option.

1249
00:49:16,333 --> 00:49:20,125
There's no job opportunity.

1250
00:49:20,208 --> 00:49:21,125
There's no more coach.

1251
00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:22,250
There's no more
training environment.

1252
00:49:22,333 --> 00:49:23,291
There's no more equipment.

1253
00:49:23,375 --> 00:49:24,458
There's no more
monthly stipend.

1254
00:49:24,542 --> 00:49:26,792
There's no more prize money.

1255
00:49:26,875 --> 00:49:30,625
Arguably, there's
no more sponsorship.

1256
00:49:30,709 --> 00:49:32,959
Yeah, that's reality.

1257
00:49:33,041 --> 00:49:34,959
[laughs]

1258
00:49:35,041 --> 00:49:37,625
- I'm really not aware
of anything that exists

1259
00:49:37,709 --> 00:49:41,125
for retired Olympians,

1260
00:49:41,208 --> 00:49:43,291
but I really feel like the bulk

1261
00:49:43,375 --> 00:49:45,959
of what
the U.S. Olympic Committee does

1262
00:49:46,041 --> 00:49:51,959
is to help fund hopefuls
getting to their dream.

1263
00:49:52,041 --> 00:49:55,625
- I will never regret
competing for Team USA

1264
00:49:55,709 --> 00:49:57,500
and this country,
absolutely not.

1265
00:49:57,583 --> 00:50:00,458
I have helped promote
the Olympic sports

1266
00:50:00,542 --> 00:50:01,834
for three Olympics.

1267
00:50:01,917 --> 00:50:05,166
I've given
my blood, sweat, and tears.

1268
00:50:05,250 --> 00:50:07,166
I've given my talent.

1269
00:50:07,250 --> 00:50:10,750
And all I'm asking is that
after it's all said and done,

1270
00:50:10,834 --> 00:50:12,333
someone can help me

1271
00:50:12,417 --> 00:50:14,959
mentally get through this.

1272
00:50:15,041 --> 00:50:17,959
[desolate music]

1273
00:50:18,041 --> 00:50:22,166
♪ ♪

1274
00:50:22,250 --> 00:50:24,166
- Losing Speedy Peterson
was a shock

1275
00:50:24,250 --> 00:50:26,667
for the entire
Olympic community,

1276
00:50:26,750 --> 00:50:29,000
but it wasn't
an isolated incident.

1277
00:50:29,083 --> 00:50:31,000
♪ ♪

1278
00:50:31,083 --> 00:50:33,291
Steven Scherer,
a sport shooter

1279
00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:35,667
who represented the U.S.
in Beijing,

1280
00:50:35,750 --> 00:50:37,166
had taken his own life

1281
00:50:37,250 --> 00:50:39,709
less than a year
before Speedy's death.

1282
00:50:39,792 --> 00:50:41,500
♪ ♪

1283
00:50:41,583 --> 00:50:44,625
Kelly Catlin won
a silver medal in 2016

1284
00:50:44,709 --> 00:50:47,375
as a part
of the U.S. cycling team

1285
00:50:47,458 --> 00:50:51,208
and then took her own life
in 2019.

1286
00:50:51,291 --> 00:50:54,000
Later that same year,
Jack Hatton,

1287
00:50:54,083 --> 00:50:55,709
a Team USA judoka,

1288
00:50:55,792 --> 00:50:57,417
took his life as well.

1289
00:50:57,500 --> 00:50:59,208
♪ ♪

1290
00:50:59,291 --> 00:51:02,250
Nobody was prepared
for any of these tragedies,

1291
00:51:02,333 --> 00:51:04,875
but the news
that maybe hit the hardest

1292
00:51:04,959 --> 00:51:07,041
came in May of 2017.

1293
00:51:07,125 --> 00:51:10,208
♪ ♪

1294
00:51:10,291 --> 00:51:11,709
- A shock in the world
of sports tonight.

1295
00:51:11,792 --> 00:51:12,709
The Olympic community

1296
00:51:12,792 --> 00:51:14,542
and bobsled fans
around the world

1297
00:51:14,625 --> 00:51:17,000
are mourning the death
of Steven Holcomb.

1298
00:51:17,083 --> 00:51:19,250
The Olympic champion
was found in his room

1299
00:51:19,333 --> 00:51:22,208
at Team USA's training center
in Lake Placid, New York,

1300
00:51:22,291 --> 00:51:23,208
this weekend.

1301
00:51:23,291 --> 00:51:24,709
The cause of his death

1302
00:51:24,792 --> 00:51:26,250
remains unclear.

1303
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:29,250
♪ ♪

1304
00:51:29,333 --> 00:51:30,959
- Steven Holcomb
was found in his room

1305
00:51:31,041 --> 00:51:33,542
at the Olympic training
center, unresponsive,

1306
00:51:33,625 --> 00:51:37,083
by his best friend,
Katie Uhlaender.

1307
00:51:37,166 --> 00:51:39,375
Steven was 37 years old.

1308
00:51:39,458 --> 00:51:45,417
♪ ♪

1309
00:51:45,500 --> 00:51:47,959
- And I don't know
what was worse.

1310
00:51:48,041 --> 00:51:49,917
♪ ♪

1311
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:54,083
Finding him...

1312
00:51:54,166 --> 00:51:56,917
two days late,

1313
00:51:57,000 --> 00:51:59,542
you just, like...

1314
00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:01,250
[sighs]

1315
00:52:01,333 --> 00:52:03,458
Then realizing, like,

1316
00:52:03,542 --> 00:52:05,041
thinking he was asleep
and then realizing

1317
00:52:05,125 --> 00:52:07,917
there was nothing I could do,

1318
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,625
and then thinking back
to the days

1319
00:52:09,709 --> 00:52:12,166
that I should've broken
into his room sooner.

1320
00:52:12,250 --> 00:52:14,417
How did I not
do something sooner?

1321
00:52:14,500 --> 00:52:16,250
♪ ♪

1322
00:52:16,333 --> 00:52:19,000
And every time, like,
I would go to text him--

1323
00:52:19,083 --> 00:52:20,458
he's my best friend--

1324
00:52:20,542 --> 00:52:22,625
I would have, like,
a panic attack,

1325
00:52:22,709 --> 00:52:24,125
'cause my mind would go
straight back

1326
00:52:24,208 --> 00:52:27,500
to that moment
when I found him,

1327
00:52:27,583 --> 00:52:28,959
and I would realize
he was gone,

1328
00:52:29,041 --> 00:52:31,500
and then I would start
to wonder why.

1329
00:52:31,583 --> 00:52:35,458
- What else has to happen
for this to change?

1330
00:52:35,542 --> 00:52:36,834
What else?

1331
00:52:36,917 --> 00:52:40,959
I mean, we see, like...

1332
00:52:41,041 --> 00:52:43,959
♪ ♪

1333
00:52:44,041 --> 00:52:45,959
Do five other athletes
have to take their lives

1334
00:52:46,041 --> 00:52:47,667
in order to see change?

1335
00:52:47,750 --> 00:52:50,208
Like, how far down the road
are we gonna get

1336
00:52:50,291 --> 00:52:52,834
before somebody
actually stands up and says,

1337
00:52:52,917 --> 00:52:56,709
"We have to do something,
and this is important"?

1338
00:52:56,792 --> 00:52:59,166
- I think there's no question
that Olympic athletes need

1339
00:52:59,250 --> 00:53:00,333
more support.

1340
00:53:00,417 --> 00:53:02,834
You know, the solution
to mental health issues

1341
00:53:02,917 --> 00:53:06,000
or really just
general support--

1342
00:53:06,083 --> 00:53:08,333
right now, we're just starting
to understand

1343
00:53:08,417 --> 00:53:10,667
how critical that is.

1344
00:53:10,750 --> 00:53:13,000
- I don't think that they're
maliciously ignoring

1345
00:53:13,083 --> 00:53:14,458
our well-being.

1346
00:53:14,542 --> 00:53:17,125
I just don't know
that if they realize

1347
00:53:17,208 --> 00:53:19,542
it's, like, a full,
like, crisis yet.

1348
00:53:19,625 --> 00:53:22,834
How many more dead Olympians
do they need

1349
00:53:22,917 --> 00:53:24,166
before they realize

1350
00:53:24,250 --> 00:53:27,333
that there might be
an epidemic here?

1351
00:53:27,417 --> 00:53:32,208
- I recently requested help
multiple times,

1352
00:53:32,291 --> 00:53:35,917
and I didn't get it,
and I can't figure out

1353
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:37,875
if it was because
it would've taken me away

1354
00:53:37,959 --> 00:53:39,709
from competing for them

1355
00:53:39,792 --> 00:53:41,959
or if it was just,
they don't have the resources

1356
00:53:42,041 --> 00:53:45,709
or they don't know,
but regardless,

1357
00:53:45,792 --> 00:53:48,208
if you look at the process
I had to go through,

1358
00:53:48,291 --> 00:53:49,667
I have to tell my coach,

1359
00:53:49,750 --> 00:53:50,917
or I have to tell sports med.

1360
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,041
I have to tell
sports performance.

1361
00:53:53,125 --> 00:53:54,709
Then they have to tell, like,
two more people

1362
00:53:54,792 --> 00:53:56,375
over in Colorado Springs,

1363
00:53:56,458 --> 00:53:57,875
and then they have to, like,
go through this thing

1364
00:53:57,959 --> 00:54:00,041
to try to find someone,
determine if it's valid--

1365
00:54:00,125 --> 00:54:01,417
my request for help.

1366
00:54:01,500 --> 00:54:02,500
Like, I went
through their process,

1367
00:54:02,583 --> 00:54:05,000
and despite those five
to seven people knowing,

1368
00:54:05,083 --> 00:54:06,583
I didn't get any help.

1369
00:54:06,667 --> 00:54:08,208
♪ ♪

1370
00:54:08,291 --> 00:54:10,417
- I think a lot of us
could've had a story

1371
00:54:10,500 --> 00:54:13,000
that ended
like Steve Holcomb's did,

1372
00:54:13,083 --> 00:54:15,083
because a lot of us struggle

1373
00:54:15,166 --> 00:54:17,542
with so many
of the same feelings.

1374
00:54:17,625 --> 00:54:20,709
And I saw Steve
maybe, like, a week before.

1375
00:54:20,792 --> 00:54:24,750
He just seemed so--
like everything was fine,

1376
00:54:24,834 --> 00:54:27,417
and, like, I think we all seem
like something's fine

1377
00:54:27,500 --> 00:54:30,041
until we get
to that one breaking point

1378
00:54:30,125 --> 00:54:31,500
where either we're
fortunate enough

1379
00:54:31,583 --> 00:54:35,792
for somebody to see us, or...

1380
00:54:35,875 --> 00:54:38,875
we're not lucky
and we die.

1381
00:54:38,959 --> 00:54:42,709
♪ ♪

1382
00:54:42,792 --> 00:54:44,792
- Dealing with
the incredible highs and lows

1383
00:54:44,875 --> 00:54:46,458
of being an Olympian,

1384
00:54:46,542 --> 00:54:49,208
the sacrifices
and the challenges,

1385
00:54:49,291 --> 00:54:50,583
and figuring out a transition

1386
00:54:50,667 --> 00:54:53,208
from such
a hyper-focused life--

1387
00:54:53,291 --> 00:54:56,458
all of it can be
extremely hard,

1388
00:54:56,542 --> 00:54:59,959
but there is a way forward.

1389
00:55:00,041 --> 00:55:02,959
There are people and places
that can help,

1390
00:55:03,041 --> 00:55:06,166
and there are outcomes
that can be really successful.

1391
00:55:06,250 --> 00:55:07,792
♪ ♪

1392
00:55:07,875 --> 00:55:09,417
We just have to change
the perception

1393
00:55:09,500 --> 00:55:11,125
that problems
with mental health

1394
00:55:11,208 --> 00:55:13,333
are something to hide,

1395
00:55:13,417 --> 00:55:16,333
and in a world where Olympians
are leading the way forward

1396
00:55:16,417 --> 00:55:19,083
to break down that stigma,

1397
00:55:19,166 --> 00:55:21,417
the impact could be massive.

1398
00:55:22,875 --> 00:55:24,917
- Where a better place
to make change

1399
00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,417
than on the Olympic stage?

1400
00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:31,333
Youth around the world watch
and look up to these people,

1401
00:55:31,417 --> 00:55:33,250
and if we can take a stand
and make change,

1402
00:55:33,333 --> 00:55:35,291
it could affect the world

1403
00:55:35,375 --> 00:55:38,959
in recognizing
what truly matters.

1404
00:55:39,041 --> 00:55:40,333
- It doesn't matter if you're
an Olympic gold medalist

1405
00:55:40,417 --> 00:55:42,500
and you are
the most decorated athlete

1406
00:55:42,583 --> 00:55:44,333
of human history

1407
00:55:44,417 --> 00:55:46,667
or you're someone
driving a bus.

1408
00:55:46,750 --> 00:55:49,041
You're prone to depression.

1409
00:55:49,125 --> 00:55:51,208
My faith was how I was able
to handle it

1410
00:55:51,291 --> 00:55:52,834
and still handle it,

1411
00:55:52,917 --> 00:55:55,125
but that's okay
to handle it differently.

1412
00:55:55,208 --> 00:55:57,333
♪ ♪

1413
00:55:57,417 --> 00:55:59,000
- When stuff
started getting bad,

1414
00:55:59,083 --> 00:56:00,458
if I had just even seen
someone,

1415
00:56:00,542 --> 00:56:02,333
like, once or twice a week,

1416
00:56:02,417 --> 00:56:05,333
we probably wouldn't have
ended up where I did.

1417
00:56:05,417 --> 00:56:08,500
- We're human.

1418
00:56:08,583 --> 00:56:10,542
I don't think I have
to say anything else.

1419
00:56:10,625 --> 00:56:13,375
We're human beings,
just like everybody else.

1420
00:56:13,458 --> 00:56:15,166
♪ ♪

1421
00:56:15,250 --> 00:56:18,667
Yeah, I had won
a shit-ton of medals.

1422
00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:20,709
I had a great career.

1423
00:56:20,792 --> 00:56:24,125
Doesn't matter.
I wasn't happy with who I was.

1424
00:56:24,208 --> 00:56:27,458
I thought of myself
of just a swimmer

1425
00:56:27,542 --> 00:56:30,083
and not a human being,
not a person.

1426
00:56:30,166 --> 00:56:32,500
No self-love,
no self-confidence.

1427
00:56:32,583 --> 00:56:35,667
♪ ♪

1428
00:56:35,750 --> 00:56:37,333
You know, thinking
about committing suicide

1429
00:56:37,417 --> 00:56:38,917
and not being alive anymore,

1430
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,166
you know, I think back
to it now still.

1431
00:56:42,250 --> 00:56:44,041
It's crazy,
what's been able to happen

1432
00:56:44,125 --> 00:56:46,917
and what I've been able
to learn.

1433
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:49,041
- It's okay to not be okay,

1434
00:56:49,125 --> 00:56:52,333
and it's okay to kind of, like,
talk to people about it.

1435
00:56:53,125 --> 00:56:55,041
You gotta definitely find
the right people in your life

1436
00:56:55,125 --> 00:56:57,333
that you can talk to
about these things.

1437
00:57:01,500 --> 00:57:04,417
[gentle music]

1438
00:57:04,500 --> 00:57:06,083
♪ ♪

1439
00:57:06,166 --> 00:57:08,417
- What makes the Olympics
so special

1440
00:57:08,500 --> 00:57:12,250
is their power to bring
the world together.

1441
00:57:12,333 --> 00:57:13,792
Like everyone else,

1442
00:57:13,875 --> 00:57:15,417
I can't wait to live
in a world

1443
00:57:15,500 --> 00:57:18,000
where that's possible again,

1444
00:57:18,083 --> 00:57:20,709
and my hope is,
when that happens,

1445
00:57:20,792 --> 00:57:22,583
the athletes
in the center of it all

1446
00:57:22,667 --> 00:57:25,083
are not just ready to compete

1447
00:57:25,166 --> 00:57:28,083
but also supported
through whatever may come

1448
00:57:28,166 --> 00:57:30,041
once the flame goes out.

1449
00:57:30,125 --> 00:57:33,583
♪ ♪

1450
00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:36,750
My own mental health
continues to be a challenge

1451
00:57:36,834 --> 00:57:39,250
that I need to address
on a daily basis.

1452
00:57:39,333 --> 00:57:41,291
It's a part of my life

1453
00:57:41,375 --> 00:57:44,750
as much as being a husband
and a father.

1454
00:57:44,834 --> 00:57:48,125
It took me a long time
to be okay with saying that,

1455
00:57:48,208 --> 00:57:50,542
and I'm ready to spend
as much time as I have to

1456
00:57:50,625 --> 00:57:52,000
in the years ahead

1457
00:57:52,083 --> 00:57:56,750
to make sure others know
that there's help out there

1458
00:57:56,834 --> 00:57:59,792
and that it's okay
to not be okay.

1459
00:57:59,875 --> 00:58:06,875
♪ ♪

1460
00:59:56,500 --> 00:59:58,041
announcer: This has been
a presentation

1461
00:59:58,125 --> 00:59:59,709
of HBO Sports.