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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 原创喜剧特辑‬

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪你们好吗？‬

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‪真是热情如火‬

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‪谢谢‬

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‪你们好吗？好的‬

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‪非常感谢 来到德州奥斯汀太棒了‬

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‪嗯‬

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‪我做路演的时候‬
‪会丢下老婆和两个小孩在家‬

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‪她很粘人‬

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‪我走的时候她会哭‬

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‪比如…‬

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‪一直哭‬

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‪是的 她会哭‬

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‪我走的时候她说‬
‪“你要走了 日子好难熬”‬

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‪我就只好练习演技 我说…‬

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‪“我也会好难熬”‬

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‪明白吗？‬

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‪才不难熬呢‬

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‪可好玩了‬

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‪五分钟之前 我还在后台‬
‪对着电话演了一出‬

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‪她说：“我孤零零地在家里”‬

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‪我说：“我孤零零地在这里”‬

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‪才怪‬

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‪她很好‬

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‪我爱她 我更爱孩子 但我确实爱她‬

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‪那是不同的爱‬

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‪首先 我不想操孩子‬

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‪“不错嘛 汤姆” 所以…‬

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‪你没法解释你有多爱自己的孩子‬

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‪是真的 我就是这样的‬

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‪所以那些没生孩子的人‬
‪发誓说他们明白的时候‬

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‪我就乐了‬

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‪这事儿我觉得特逗‬

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‪比如跟一个没孩子的朋友去玩‬

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‪他说：“我看得出来你爱自己的孩子‬

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‪我完全了解你的感受 因为…‬

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‪我爱我的狗”‬

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‪我说：“嗯”‬

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‪瞎说‬

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‪我不是在贬低对宠物的爱‬

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‪对宠物的爱是真爱‬

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‪-是的！‬
‪-绝对的‬

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‪我养了一辈子宠物 感觉太棒了‬

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‪我救助动物 我也鼓励你们参与‬

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‪我有一条心爱的狗狗‬

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‪但我对狗的爱‬
‪和对孩子的爱是不一样的‬

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‪如果那只狗要伤害我的孩子‬

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‪我会毫不犹豫立刻动手…‬

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‪把那只狗给淹死 对吧？‬

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‪随便狗怎么哀嚎…‬

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‪我会…就像这样‬

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‪然后我会把它拿给我儿子‬

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‪我会说：“记得它当时要伤害你吗？‬
‪我把它杀掉了”‬

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‪他会说：“搞什么…‬

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‪我要拿这只死狗怎么办？”‬

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‪我会说：“我不知道‬
‪不妨学着保护自己‬

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‪这样我就不用干这种破事儿了”‬

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‪可不是嘛‬

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‪这是个充满争议的笑话‬

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‪在整个巡演中都是如此‬

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‪我觉得它把观众分成两个阵营‬

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‪有人会说：”不要学狗哀嚎‬

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‪这样就变真实了“‬

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‪然后还有人说‬

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‪”哀嚎吧 我最喜欢了“ 然后…‬

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‪这些人自己心里有数‬

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‪是啊‬

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‪老兄 有了孩子‬
‪你什么破事都做得出来‬

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‪有些事情我自己都觉得丢脸‬

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‪去年是第一次有人欺负我家孩子‬

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‪我应对得不好‬

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‪情况就是…我带大儿子去公园‬

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‪他两岁半‬

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‪最可爱的小崽子‬

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‪他走进公园 走去球场‬

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‪他走过去 脚踏上去的时候‬
‪一个大孩子…‬

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‪四岁‬

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‪他说：”你不能玩那个 那是我的“‬

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‪我说：”我会从你后背狠狠踹你“‬

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‪他说：”什么？“‬

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‪我说：”我立刻就来践踏你！“‬

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‪于是他就哭了 我就笑了‬

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‪所有人都围了过来‬

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‪你不能那样做‬

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‪你拿熊孩子没辙‬

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‪你可以在他们周围骂很多脏话‬

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‪不是对着他们骂 这是个重要的区别‬

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‪在他们周围骂‬

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‪然后你幻想他们在家里重复这些话‬

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‪然后惹麻烦 真是令人倍感舒适‬

93
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‪但是你得加上韵律感‬
‪不然他们记不住‬

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‪因为他们就是蠢崽子‬

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‪所以你只能这样‬

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‪”屎、屁、他妈的、逼和蛋‬

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‪舔我的老二 吃我的屁“‬

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‪小孩就会这样…‬

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‪”那是什么？“‬

100
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‪我会说：”告诉你妈妈就对了“‬

101
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‪他们经过的时候‬
‪你可以再来意外一击‬

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‪我试过 不过…‬

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‪在他们经过的时候 你懂的‬

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‪就像那样 然后他们就会…‬

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‪”屎、屁、他妈的、逼和蛋…“‬

106
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‪你们有没有遇到过一种人‬

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‪他们好无聊 简直有毒‬

108
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‪你和他们说话 你会说‬
‪“我觉得我马上要死了‬

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‪我认为是你害的”‬

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‪那个人的名字是克雷格 我遇到了他…‬

111
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‪我肯定没记错‬

112
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‪我觉得我这辈子都会记得他‬

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‪我在银行碰到他的‬

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‪他是银行柜员吗？‬

115
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‪不是 他是保安吗？‬

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‪不是‬

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‪他是干嘛的？‬

118
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‪我不知道 反正就是现在那种‬

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‪站在银行大堂的人‬

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‪你走进去的时候 你问‬
‪“你在这上班吗？”‬

121
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‪他说：“应该是吧” 就是那种‬

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‪大堂联络员‬

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‪我看到他了 我们有了眼神接触‬

124
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‪我不知道你们是什么样的‬
‪反正我们眼神接触的话…‬

125
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‪白天 不是晚上的时候‬

126
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‪但是在白天…‬

127
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‪出于基本礼貌 我会向你致意‬

128
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‪所以我就这样‬

129
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‪我们进行了眼神接触 我说‬
‪“你好吗？” 然后他就…‬

130
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‪我说：“好吧 那就…”‬

131
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‪接着我要进第二扇门了‬

132
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‪我要开门时 我听到‬
‪“你要去银行吗？”‬

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‪我说：“这还是银行吗？”‬

134
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‪他说：“是啊”‬

135
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‪我说：“我想去”‬

136
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,512
‪他说：“加油”‬

137
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‪我就说…‬

138
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‪“哦‬

139
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‪谢了”‬

140
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,520
‪然后我转身开门…‬

141
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,606
‪他说：“我下周要去弗吉尼亚州”‬

142
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‪“你是在跟我说吗？”‬

143
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‪他说：“你到这里的时候问我好吗‬

144
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‪我得想一下‬

145
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‪这就是我的近况”‬

146
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‪我说：“这是我听别人说过的‬
‪最疯狂的事‬

147
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‪那个问题也不是这个意思‬
‪不过没关系啦”‬

148
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‪这会儿我又转身 他接着说‬

149
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‪“是啊 我姐妹住在那” 我就…‬

150
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‪”她在那住了多久？“‬

151
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‪这下我被套住了‬

152
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‪他说：”15年”‬

153
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‪我说：”你从没去过？“‬
‪他说：”没有“‬

154
00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:05,985
‪现在我开始看着他 说‬
‪“老兄 你是开车上班 还是…‬

155
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,821
‪有人载你？” 懂我的意思吗？‬

156
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:13,951
‪我觉得他…‬

157
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‪嗯‬

158
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,376
‪我觉得他能从我脸上看出来‬

159
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,004
‪因为他莫名其妙说一句：”我开车“‬

160
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,715
‪我说：”挺好的 老兄 挺好‬

161
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‪我也开车 真疯狂‬

162
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‪我得进去了”‬

163
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‪他说：“嗯 我们要去华府‬
‪我们要去看一些纪念碑”‬

164
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:40,561
‪我说：“我很愿意听 但我得去存钱”‬

165
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‪他说：“我在这等你出来”‬
‪我说：“你这个混蛋”‬

166
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‪去他的‬

167
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‪所有他这种人都去死吧‬

168
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:55,201
‪别人问你“你还好吗？”的时候‬

169
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,078
‪你要是真有胆量把近况告诉对方‬

170
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:59,455
‪那你就粗鲁又自私 好吗？‬

171
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:01,874
‪我是认真的‬

172
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,835
‪“你好吗？”有两种合格的答案‬

173
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,879
‪“挺好”和“好极了”‬

174
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,757
‪如果你很惨 你就说：“挺好”‬

175
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,594
‪你不能在礼节性的问候中‬
‪拿你现实生活中的烦恼‬

176
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‪去给别人添堵‬

177
00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:16,973
‪是啊‬

178
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‪真是这样的‬

179
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:23,980
‪你知道为什么吗？‬

180
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,774
‪因为没人想听你的烦恼‬

181
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‪你的烦恼让我鸡巴都软了‬

182
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,238
‪而我正在努力坚挺‬

183
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‪好了…‬

184
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:41,706
‪你们知道国家体制哪家强吗？‬

185
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:45,251
‪菲律宾总统 罗德里戈杜特尔特‬

186
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,713
‪如果你们没有意识到的话‬

187
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‪菲律宾的总统其实超酷的 而且…‬

188
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,553
‪他有很多有趣的点子‬

189
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‪其中之一就是他雇了摩托杀手小队…‬

190
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:06,606
‪出去见人就杀‬

191
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‪不逮捕 不审判‬

192
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,651
‪他对什么人下手？‬

193
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:15,489
‪毒贩和疑似瘾君子‬

194
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:17,825
‪“疑似”哟‬

195
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,662
‪你们知道马尼拉‬
‪每天有多少疲惫的人死掉吗？‬

196
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,165
‪你们觉得疯不疯？‬

197
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,501
‪你清晨五点走出家门 睡眼惺忪的‬

198
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,879
‪然后你听到…你就惊呼：“噢‬

199
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:35,843
‪我醒了！”‬

200
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,014
‪他们跑了过来 问：“嗑高了？”‬
‪你说：“我才起床”‬

201
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,224
‪他们说：“你嗑高了” 啪 一枪打死你‬

202
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,645
‪好可怕‬

203
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,355
‪这要受到谴责‬

204
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,231
‪我希望咱们在这里也这样做‬

205
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,149
‪不是…‬

206
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,028
‪显然不是针对吸毒‬

207
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:59,200
‪我认为我们应该把它保留给那些‬
‪在公共场合‬

208
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,786
‪把手机这样放在脸前面‬
‪开免提说话的人‬

209
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,038
‪知道吗？是的‬

210
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,711
‪这些四处转悠 对周遭世界‬
‪浑然不觉的 都是些什么人？‬

211
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,421
‪你正在排队买咖啡‬

212
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,966
‪你不得不听一个扩音版‬
‪引人入胜的双向故事‬

213
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,844
‪往往会是这样的 “你昨晚在哪？”‬

214
00:11:27,561 --> 00:11:29,522
‪直接对他们一剑封喉‬

215
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,400
‪把尸体踢走‬
‪“我能买杯咖啡吗？” 所以…‬

216
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,528
‪太暴力了？知道了 所以‬

217
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:40,116
‪你们知道我想把谁的蛋蛋塞进邮箱 …‬

218
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:42,952
‪用门来回夹上20分钟吗？‬

219
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:50,418
‪早上6点登机的‬
‪从未见过云朵的成年人‬

220
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:51,460
‪我不知道…‬

221
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:54,296
‪如果…‬

222
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:59,885
‪如果你运气好 坐过清晨的航班‬

223
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:04,223
‪那么有一点是大家心照不宣的‬
‪“我们要让飞机舒适幽暗‬

224
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,767
‪这样就能在飞行过程中好好休息”‬

225
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,187
‪但是飞机上总有一些玩抖音的家伙‬

226
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,399
‪没错‬

227
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:19,780
‪一个人坐在那 幽幽地说‬
‪“我从来没有见过那样的云‬

228
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,540
‪那边还有一朵”‬

229
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,085
‪“你他妈是四岁小孩吗？‬

230
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,256
‪把遮光板拉上 二货‬
‪我们还想休息呢”‬

231
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:43,304
‪还有把家庭成员的简笔画和名字‬

232
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,848
‪贴在汽车后挡风玻璃上的人‬

233
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,605
‪他们应该被放在那台车里公开处决…‬

234
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,650
‪这样我们就能在窗户上记得分‬

235
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,280
‪你们觉得疯不疯？‬

236
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,824
‪你就没有一点自我保护的本能吗？‬

237
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:04,909
‪这真脑残‬

238
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,660
‪随便哪个红灯停车‬

239
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,623
‪你前面的车就像在说‬
‪“真有趣 你居然没问 不过…‬

240
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,669
‪车里面有妈妈和爸爸…‬

241
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,006
‪还有布瑞安和马瑞萨‬

242
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,551
‪布瑞安旁边还有个足球…‬

243
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,805
‪因为布瑞安爱踢足球”‬

244
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,852
‪布瑞安喜欢被骚扰吗？因为…‬

245
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:39,443
‪你把他的名字和嗜好放出来引诱社会‬

246
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,238
‪你他妈的疯了吗？‬

247
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,951
‪你干嘛不把你家住址和他的日程表‬

248
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,285
‪直接贴在旁边？‬

249
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:52,289
‪“布瑞安六点起床‬
‪一点到家 七点洗澡‬

250
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,210
‪想加入我们就过来吧”‬

251
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:57,753
‪这样不好‬

252
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,173
‪诸位…‬

253
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,594
‪你们有没有想过‬

254
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,389
‪和自己对象睡过多少次？‬

255
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:11,517
‪你不应该知道答案的‬
‪我把话先撂在这 好吗？‬

256
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,103
‪如果你知道 那就很可怕了 而且…‬

257
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:15,980
‪我们希望你离开‬

258
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,859
‪是的 如果你坐在那说‬
‪“终于有人问了‬

259
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,153
‪926次！”‬

260
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,782
‪出口在那 我要说的是…‬

261
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:31,662
‪我是说 从概念上可以合理假设‬

262
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:36,208
‪如果你和一个人在一起三年‬
‪你们之间关系健康‬

263
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,086
‪你们可能睡过几百次‬

264
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:40,379
‪对吧？没错‬

265
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,384
‪好了 我要你想想你爸…‬

266
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,889
‪在你妈身体里爽过多少次‬

267
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,518
‪好多次‬

268
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:59,356
‪“汤姆 你干嘛说那个？”‬

269
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:05,779
‪基本上 我认为咱们所有人的妈妈‬

270
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,115
‪就是一群精液垃圾桶 不过…‬

271
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,493
‪你妈比我妈更能装 好了…‬

272
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,500
‪我知道 一旦被我植入后‬
‪这个画面就很难从脑海中抹去‬

273
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,462
‪你说：“天啊 我妈还在流精液？”‬

274
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:22,796
‪很可能哟‬

275
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,383
‪湿漉漉的 听着…‬

276
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,847
‪你妈玩过一些很骚的事情‬

277
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,974
‪咱们来聊聊吧‬

278
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,899
‪她真的做过 而且…‬

279
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,818
‪听着 我是在这为她辩护 好吗？‬

280
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,528
‪这事儿不怪她‬

281
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,198
‪当然得怪你老爸‬

282
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:53,535
‪无意冒犯 你爸就是一坨屎 一小坨！‬

283
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,621
‪如果你说：“我爸不是‬

284
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,581
‪他挺好的…”‬

285
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:58,499
‪对你是挺好的‬

286
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,585
‪他对你妈就不是一直这样了‬

287
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,171
‪如果他们过了三十年的日子‬

288
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:07,132
‪你认为他不会时不时的…‬

289
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,426
‪说些不雅的东西吗？‬

290
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,344
‪他当然会说‬

291
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,637
‪他们俩躺在床上‬

292
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,098
‪你爸辗转反侧…‬

293
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:18,185
‪你可怜的母亲说‬
‪“亲爱的 有事吗？”‬

294
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,145
‪“没事”‬

295
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,606
‪“晚餐好吃吗？”‬

296
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,608
‪“嗯 闭嘴 我要睡觉呢”‬

297
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,153
‪“我能帮上忙吗？”‬

298
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,197
‪“嗯 你可以舔我的蛋蛋”‬

299
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,574
‪你想知道吗？‬

300
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,244
‪你可怜的母亲 真的去舔了 她…‬

301
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,081
‪因为她喜欢把球霸着‬
‪所以你妈妈趴下去…‬

302
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,011
‪她说：“我爱我的人生”‬

303
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,766
‪你妈好可怜 好了…‬

304
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,686
‪你的奶奶‬

305
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:03,230
‪想想她干过的事情‬

306
00:17:04,647 --> 00:17:07,568
‪在铁轨上 或任何她撒过野的地方‬

307
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,738
‪埃尔帕索 我不知道‬

308
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:17,327
‪你说：“汤姆 你干嘛说这些事？”‬

309
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,537
‪因为我开心‬

310
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,249
‪因为我喜欢给人添堵‬

311
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:25,961
‪嗯 我不知道这在心理上说明了什么‬

312
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,547
‪不过…我不知道 有一支鼓号队‬

313
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,467
‪此刻在我心里唱着：“干得好”‬

314
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:33,552
‪是的‬

315
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:37,931
‪因为我内心会勾画出 有人出去了说‬
‪“我原本挺开心的…‬

316
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,935
‪结果这家伙开始谈论我的淫荡妈妈”‬

317
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,522
‪这让我开心 我不知道‬

318
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,984
‪它会给人添堵‬
‪然后他们会试图告诉我‬

319
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,278
‪我说他们会试图告诉我‬

320
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:54,323
‪因为他们会给我发消息‬
‪而我从来不看 然后…‬

321
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:56,784
‪是的 我曾经看过 我曾经全部看完‬

322
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:00,788
‪花了我好长时间才想明白‬
‪其实不该每条信息都看‬

323
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:05,042
‪我并不认为每个表演者都应该消化‬
‪所有扑面而来的东西‬

324
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,753
‪而我很长时间以来都不知道这一点‬

325
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,631
‪要是早点明白就好了‬
‪因为它会影响自己‬

326
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:13,717
‪我第一次因为说话 真正惹上麻烦‬

327
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,344
‪大概是五年前‬

328
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:18,472
‪我是因为在电视节目上‬
‪说“吉普赛”而倒霉的‬

329
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,934
‪我没说他们什么好话 所以让我…‬

330
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,311
‪换个说法‬

331
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,148
‪我就像是…我在一个节目里‬
‪我说：“谁不讨厌吉普赛人？”‬

332
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,066
‪然后…‬

333
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,528
‪节目中的所有人都说‬
‪“我们支持你” 不过…‬

334
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,781
‪后来 他们发现了‬

335
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,033
‪然后他们找上门来‬

336
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,285
‪比如吉普赛人的首领…‬

337
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,704
‪给我发了一条消息‬

338
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,331
‪我猜她偷了谁了手机‬

339
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,916
‪她给我发了这么条消息‬

340
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,382
‪咱们看得出来谁经常旅行 然后…‬

341
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,509
‪她给我发了这条消息‬

342
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:59,555
‪她说：“你在电视上说了吉什么的”‬
‪我说：“啥？‬

343
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,598
‪吉什么的？”‬

344
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:06,562
‪我是个成年人 这是通过邮件发的‬
‪她可真是个婊什么的 所以…‬

345
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,191
‪我不想刺激她 让她成为贱什么的‬
‪你们懂我意思吧？‬

346
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111
‪我关于黑什么的粗口哪去了？‬
‪好吧 听着…‬

347
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:15,863
‪老兄…‬

348
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:19,032
‪这是现代喜剧 跟上时代吧 好了…‬

349
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,118
‪她继续说了‬

350
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:25,789
‪她说：“就是让你知道‬
‪我们为自己的民族感到骄傲”‬

351
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,001
‪我说：“这是应该的‬
‪毕竟你们也没啥别的了‬

352
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,046
‪我希望你擅长扎营”‬

353
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,384
‪我可是在夸奖她‬

354
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:42,514
‪我是说：“我喜欢你的民族自豪感‬
‪因为这是你争取到的”‬

355
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,350
‪老实说 我觉得这不是每个人都有的‬

356
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,103
‪每个群体都说自己是最优秀的‬
‪你们才不是‬

357
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,814
‪不可能所有人都是最优秀的‬

358
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,733
‪我说真的 每个群体 他们都…‬

359
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,906
‪不 我的意思是 举个例子吧‬
‪咱们把话说开‬

360
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:02,618
‪比如说 这个屋子里有多少人‬
‪是意大利人？‬

361
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:03,869
‪好的‬

362
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:09,750
‪那么其他人听到他们这样‬
‪会不会有点不舒服？对吧？‬

363
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,170
‪“嘿 我们是最棒的！该死的意面”‬

364
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,838
‪你就怂了‬

365
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,425
‪意面是中国菜 冷静点 好了…‬

366
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,303
‪反正 从那之后 我继续看消息‬

367
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,763
‪看啊看‬

368
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:28,060
‪然后不久前 在为期六周的时间内‬

369
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:34,775
‪我光从路易斯安那州‬
‪就收到二十万则邮件和消息‬

370
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:38,528
‪都是关于我在喜剧特辑里讲的笑话‬

371
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:43,992
‪你要是不知道的话‬
‪我在之前的特辑中讲过一个笑话‬

372
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:45,327
‪而且…‬

373
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:46,870
‪嗯 没事的‬

374
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,335
‪那是个很蠢的笑话‬

375
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,921
‪我的那个笑话就是：“我跟你们说‬

376
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,798
‪咱们应该在这个国家建墙‬

377
00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,300
‪但我们应该把它‬
‪建在那个该死的州外面”‬

378
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,802
‪那就是我的笑话 好了…‬

379
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:06,181
‪听着 我很蠢 我觉得‬
‪“所有人都会喜欢那个笑话”‬

380
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,140
‪并没有‬

381
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,269
‪那些被你取笑的人就不喜欢‬

382
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:15,315
‪我收到好多错字连篇的死亡威胁…‬

383
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,738
‪我说：“这是火星文吗？‬
‪他们想跟我说什么？”‬

384
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:29,413
‪我常常被问到这个‬
‪我关于此事上过新闻…‬

385
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,207
‪我现在干脆主动招了吧 好吗？‬

386
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,583
‪真相是这样的‬

387
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:37,045
‪我绝不该尽我所能地去挖苦他们‬

388
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,507
‪如果我曾经去过阿肯色州的话‬
‪现在我去过了‬

389
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,884
‪什么？‬

390
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:47,556
‪那个…‬

391
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,226
‪地方真他妈的烂‬

392
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,272
‪我觉得路易斯安那的人‬
‪冲厕所的时候‬

393
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,190
‪全部冲到阿肯色了‬

394
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,904
‪它闻起来就是破碎的梦想‬
‪和屁眼的味道…‬

395
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:05,324
‪还有一点烧烤味 不过…‬

396
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:07,743
‪这是迷人之处‬

397
00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:10,287
‪你们大部分人绝对体验不到‬

398
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:14,541
‪但如果你曾经冒犯过一大群人‬

399
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,294
‪比方说 一整个州…‬

400
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,381
‪你最终会了解到很多关于他们的东西‬

401
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,133
‪你并不想的‬

402
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,469
‪但他们坚持 所以…‬

403
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:30,932
‪嗯 我现在对路易斯安那州了若指掌‬
‪这是最糟的‬

404
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:36,146
‪那是我最不想去的地方‬
‪结果我反倒像它的非官方历史学家‬

405
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,317
‪他们州的座右铭在我脑海盘旋‬

406
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,071
‪就像道琼斯指数一样 每天如此‬

407
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:48,408
‪就是“路易斯安那州的人‬
‪会在车里抽烟 他们的孩子就在旁边”‬

408
00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:58,168
‪阿肯色的是“你干完那个小孩了吗？”‬

409
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:05,509
‪“你准备怎么处理？”‬
‪“我们会吃掉它 你这话是什么意思？‬

410
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:07,844
‪嗾嗾！”‬

411
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:08,762
‪好了…‬

412
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:17,813
‪我也从唐氏综合症社区收到很多信息‬

413
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,567
‪挺好玩的‬

414
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,861
‪真实情况是这样的‬

415
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,905
‪罹患唐氏综合征的人‬

416
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:31,660
‪比路易斯安那州的人书写更连贯‬

417
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,418
‪我们能够对话‬

418
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:45,632
‪我觉得从那以后 我长大了 成熟了‬
‪真的 我是这么想的‬

419
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:48,510
‪比如今天 此刻 我认为‬

420
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:54,933
‪我认为“你他妈是个蠢什么的吗？”‬
‪这个说法又懒又土‬

421
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,478
‪蠢…你懂的‬

422
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,397
‪因为‬

423
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,733
‪我认为我说那个的时候‬
‪我想说的是“你是个白痴吗？‬

424
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,069
‪你是低能儿吗？你蠢吗？”‬

425
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,155
‪然而这个词并不准确‬

426
00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,449
‪那个说法正确的用词是“卡津人”‬

427
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,534
‪所以我现在开始…‬

428
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,202
‪要这样说了‬

429
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:16,288
‪再次去你妈的‬

430
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,914
‪我就想说这个 好了…‬

431
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:20,542
‪是的‬

432
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,049
‪不过我要跟你们讲 我想让你们知道‬

433
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,051
‪我不是那种喜剧演员 说些什么‬

434
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:34,347
‪“我不明白为什么人们那么玻璃心”‬

435
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:39,436
‪这是最愚蠢的观点‬

436
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:41,021
‪我完全明白‬

437
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:46,401
‪我觉得你有权为任何冒犯到自己的事‬
‪感觉到被冒犯‬

438
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:49,529
‪而且我觉得你有权表达出来‬

439
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,281
‪然而我不认为‬

440
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:55,368
‪你有权指望别人能为此做任何事‬

441
00:24:56,578 --> 00:24:57,412
‪是的‬

442
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:05,086
‪就像你表达任何其他感受时一样‬

443
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,131
‪比如你说：“我饥渴 我饿了 我累了”‬

444
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:10,342
‪我会说：“你这人真是个事儿逼”‬

445
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,347
‪听起来你得去手淫‬
‪吃个三明治、打个盹 而且…‬

446
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:16,890
‪那是你自己的事‬

447
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,392
‪我会给你一点鼓励让你开始 不过…‬

448
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:21,269
‪我不会把事做完”‬

449
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,441
‪我也觉得我有权回应‬

450
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,609
‪事情就该这样‬

451
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,945
‪我说 你说 我说‬

452
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,363
‪这样继续下去‬

453
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:36,993
‪这么说吧 这种愤怒文化影响不了我‬

454
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:38,745
‪我说真的 对我毫无影响‬

455
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:42,415
‪因为我每天都和感情脆弱的人打交道‬

456
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:44,876
‪你瞧 我有俩孩子 而且…‬

457
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:47,337
‪他们会告诉我他们的烦恼‬

458
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,172
‪是的 然后我就和他们说话‬

459
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,883
‪我和他们说话的方式‬
‪与我平常和你们说话不一样‬

460
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,135
‪他们来找我 我的大儿子会说…‬

461
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:58,181
‪“好吵…‬

462
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,101
‪那里”‬

463
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,312
‪我说：“是吗？‬

464
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,607
‪那就别去那里”‬

465
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:12,571
‪他说：“好的”‬

466
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,073
‪然后我说：“好的”‬

467
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,035
‪接着我会亲亲他的脑袋‬

468
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,162
‪对于那些在喜剧节目中‬

469
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:25,125
‪感到被冒犯的成年人‬
‪我现在要开始这样和他们说话‬

470
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:26,459
‪嗯‬

471
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,757
‪最棒的是 你不必认同‬

472
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,759
‪这是生活在这个国家的伟大之处‬

473
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,178
‪你不必认同 但你会知道我的想法‬

474
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,847
‪所以如果你来找我 你说‬

475
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:44,102
‪“你在哈哈节目里说的话‬
‪深深伤害了我…”‬

476
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,439
‪我会说：“是吗？‬

477
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:51,860
‪那你应该永远别听自己不喜欢的话‬
‪那你现在就在家待着吧 亲亲”‬

478
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:53,278
‪对你脑门亲一个‬

479
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,538
‪话虽如此 你有没有想过‬
‪自己会是什么样的奴隶主？‬

480
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,497
‪好了…‬

481
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:07,626
‪不是说现在！‬

482
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:12,505
‪我的意思 假设是1831年 你是白人‬
‪你住在…‬

483
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,466
‪就是你现在住的地方‬

484
00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:22,724
‪你们说：“我不想玩这个游戏” 好吧…‬

485
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:25,060
‪无所谓 我来玩‬

486
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:29,856
‪我知道我会是什么样的‬
‪我现在喜欢买车‬

487
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:35,528
‪“我知道我们有三辆了‬
‪但是看看这一辆！”‬

488
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:36,529
‪好吧…‬

489
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:40,992
‪如果你不喜欢这个笑话‬
‪那就别想它 好了…‬

490
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:44,746
‪女人‬

491
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,459
‪你们觉得自己是近乎平等的公民吗？‬

492
00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:52,796
‪因为你们不是 好了…‬

493
00:27:55,423 --> 00:27:56,424
‪我是站在你们这边的‬

494
00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:01,262
‪我没有说你们不应该是‬
‪我说你们不是 因为我不瞎‬

495
00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:06,267
‪你们不是 你们没有感觉到‬
‪我们生活中的巨大失衡吗？‬

496
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,813
‪做相同的工作 男人薪酬更高‬

497
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:11,314
‪男人的优势‬

498
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:15,193
‪女人因为梦见我们做了什么事‬
‪而生我们的气‬

499
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:16,611
‪女人的优势‬

500
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:19,864
‪是不是很扯？‬

501
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:24,369
‪你在吃早餐的时候纳闷‬
‪“她为什么那样看着我？”‬

502
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:30,625
‪她说：“昨晚我梦见你是个混蛋”‬

503
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:33,169
‪你说：“好吧”‬

504
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:36,673
‪你是认真的吗？‬

505
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,719
‪我想道歉…‬

506
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,598
‪为我昨晚在你梦里做的事”‬

507
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:48,226
‪她说：“谢谢” 你说…‬

508
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:50,645
‪“我他妈的要离开这里”‬

509
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:55,066
‪你瞧 我觉得咱们忍受的力量格局‬
‪是由男人设定的‬

510
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:56,067
‪显然如此‬

511
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,862
‪我认为他原本是想让大家平等的‬
‪我真的相信‬

512
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,197
‪我认为他准备设定的那一天‬

513
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:05,660
‪他正要出门 他太太在门口拦住他‬
‪她说‬

514
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:09,164
‪“我昨晚梦见你‬
‪和一个浅黑肤色的女人乳交”‬

515
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,250
‪他说：“我看还是‬

516
00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:14,169
‪算了吧‬

517
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:17,881
‪你要去接那通电话‬

518
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:20,008
‪你得去做那件事” 然后他走开了‬

519
00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:21,801
‪好吧‬

520
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,181
‪不要这么精准地嘲笑我们的文化‬
‪好的‬

521
00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:31,352
‪真的假的？‬

522
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:32,812
‪那个也不好笑吗？‬

523
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:34,689
‪你觉得这里没有几个人会说‬

524
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,274
‪“我确实会接电话”‬

525
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,567
‪觉得这个好笑吗？‬

526
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:42,155
‪周一 她会说：“嗨 谢谢你…‬

527
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,157
‪王八蛋 那个混蛋玩意” 对吧？‬

528
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:51,247
‪有时候你会看到性别之间的力量失衡‬

529
00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:54,501
‪以一种怪异的方式展现在你面前‬

530
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,669
‪当然  我说“性别”的时候‬

531
00:29:56,753 --> 00:30:00,882
‪我只是说几百种现存性别当中的两种‬

532
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:05,178
‪我希望表明我的立场‬

533
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:09,891
‪别人想要我怎么称呼 我都没意见‬

534
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,935
‪这完全不会给我造成负担‬

535
00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:14,938
‪你愿意的话 把你当鞋带都行‬

536
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:19,025
‪只要你开口 我可以喊你叽里呱啦‬

537
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:22,612
‪我觉得这样有点蠢吗？‬

538
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:25,657
‪是啊 不过羽毛球也蠢啊‬
‪那还是项奥林匹克赛事呢‬

539
00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:26,741
‪你知道吗？所以…‬

540
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:34,290
‪情况是这样的‬
‪我几个月前在拍一部电影‬

541
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:37,377
‪有一天 我们的拍摄早早收工了‬

542
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:38,753
‪那是傍晚‬

543
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,173
‪我走出片场 注意到街对面有个酒吧‬

544
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:45,927
‪我说：“我要去那个酒吧 喝一杯‬
‪然后走回酒店”‬

545
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:47,011
‪够简单吧？‬

546
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:51,099
‪我走进去 看到一个女人坐在酒吧里‬

547
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:55,186
‪她做的事情我只能用诡异来形容‬

548
00:30:56,896 --> 00:30:58,898
‪如果你问：“汤姆 你是什么意思？”‬

549
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:02,193
‪我觉得你看到的酒吧里面的人‬

550
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,821
‪有一个正常的行为范围‬

551
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:07,782
‪他们坐在那里时‬
‪你可能会看到他们这样‬

552
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,617
‪或者这样 “嘿”‬

553
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:10,785
‪或甚至…‬

554
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:17,000
‪坐在酒吧里的那位女士 她是这样的…‬

555
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:26,217
‪我心想：她在做软糖吗？‬
‪她在那干嘛？‬

556
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,596
‪我发现的时候已经晚了‬

557
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,724
‪我是经过的时候注意到的‬
‪这种事情常有发生对吧？‬

558
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,143
‪比如你路过时看到了些什么‬

559
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,395
‪你心想“真是疯狂” 然后继续走‬

560
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,939
‪接着你又想 “我还要再看看‬

561
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,817
‪我不知道要如何才能再看一次”‬

562
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,200
‪现在我处在正中心了‬

563
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:57,624
‪我看到一个女人 准确地说‬
‪是下午4点30分 在公共场合‬

564
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,918
‪她坐在那里干…‬

565
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:05,048
‪那种事 我不知道‬

566
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:09,385
‪把玩她的阴部 你知道我想说什么‬

567
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,138
‪你们想知道的话 她长得不好看‬

568
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,934
‪如果你要问：“她是不是超美艳？”‬

569
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,769
‪不是‬

570
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:20,980
‪所以我立刻去打小报告了‬

571
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:23,942
‪你知道是怎么回事的‬

572
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:28,363
‪我去找保镖 我说：“打扰了‬

573
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:33,076
‪那边那个没有模特身材的人…‬

574
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,038
‪在酒吧自慰”‬

575
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,667
‪这个肌肉猛男看了一眼 他这样…‬

576
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,048
‪我说：“嗯 和她谈谈” 他这样…‬

577
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,136
‪我说：“什么意思啊？”‬

578
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,056
‪他说：“我不想惹那档子破事儿”‬

579
00:32:56,599 --> 00:32:58,059
‪我觉得谁都不想‬

580
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,979
‪有个女人在酒吧自慰‬

581
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:02,647
‪他就这样…‬

582
00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:07,068
‪好像被我的无理要求搞得没辙似的‬

583
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,153
‪他说：“好吧老兄 老天爷啊”‬

584
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:14,117
‪他起身 走了起来 半路上转身了‬

585
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,618
‪他说：“我办不到”‬

586
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:19,789
‪我说：“你必须去”‬

587
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,041
‪他叫来一个女服务员‬

588
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:25,086
‪这个22岁的小可爱说：“怎么了？”‬

589
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:27,630
‪他说：“摆平那个”‬

590
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:28,673
‪她说：“好的”‬

591
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:33,886
‪她走过去 超礼貌的 这也太扯了…‬

592
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:36,931
‪毕竟是那种情况‬

593
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,892
‪我听不见她说话‬
‪但我能阅读她的肢体语言‬

594
00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:41,769
‪她说：“嗨”‬

595
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,606
‪她说：“大家都能看到你”‬

596
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:51,404
‪然后说：“住手‬

597
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:54,699
‪停下”‬

598
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:56,617
‪她说：“你保证？”‬

599
00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,912
‪然后她说：“谢谢”‬

600
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,541
‪接着她回来了 说：“她停下了”‬

601
00:34:04,751 --> 00:34:06,836
‪我说：“她完事了 还是她停下了？”‬

602
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,590
‪她说：“她停下了”‬

603
00:34:10,672 --> 00:34:13,967
‪我说：“好吧 等等 她可以留下吗？”‬

604
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:15,887
‪她说：“可以啊”‬

605
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:18,222
‪我问：“为什么？”‬

606
00:34:19,181 --> 00:34:21,016
‪她说：“因为她停下了”‬

607
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:24,562
‪我说：“不好意思‬
‪如果我刚才坐在你们酒吧…‬

608
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:29,400
‪玩弄我的龟头 我能留下吗？‬

609
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:30,359
‪比如这样…‬

610
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:40,911
‪你会拍拍我的肩膀说‘不好意思‬

611
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:44,998
‪能请你把流液体的阴茎‬
‪放回裤子里吗？‬

612
00:34:46,208 --> 00:34:49,337
‪谢谢 你想要些炸鸡柳‬
‪或雪碧什么的吗？’”‬

613
00:34:50,129 --> 00:34:54,675
‪我说：“你会招来特种部队‬
‪他们会包围这栋大楼‬

614
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:58,471
‪有人会在酒吧里面打爆我的脑袋‬

615
00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:01,724
‪我的尸体被抬出去时‬
‪你们会载欣载奔”‬

616
00:35:02,308 --> 00:35:04,393
‪她说：“你说得没错”‬

617
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:09,857
‪也许我反应过度了 我不知道‬

618
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:11,984
‪我不会在酒吧打飞机‬

619
00:35:13,528 --> 00:35:16,823
‪几年前 我认为没必要这么说‬

620
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:21,911
‪但是鉴于最近发生的所有丑闻‬
‪我在酒吧里就不胡闹了 好了…‬

621
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:25,331
‪这是我不看别人消息的另一个原因‬

622
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,083
‪我一直收到消息‬

623
00:35:27,166 --> 00:35:28,751
‪人们说：“嗨 我是铁粉‬

624
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:31,838
‪别再性骚他人了‬

625
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:34,215
‪这样我还能继续粉你”‬

626
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,846
‪首先 爱粉不粉 贱人‬

627
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:43,141
‪嗯‬

628
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:51,941
‪我才不要装腔作势的人当我的粉丝‬

629
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:52,859
‪其次…‬

630
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,321
‪我要怎么回复？“多谢了兄弟？”‬

631
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:03,077
‪“我正准备这么干呢‬
‪结果看到了你的邮件 凯尔”‬

632
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:06,330
‪去你的 凯尔‬

633
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:11,669
‪不用担心我 我不当众打飞机‬

634
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,588
‪我不好那一口‬

635
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,464
‪我喜欢干别的‬

636
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:17,341
‪我要说了哟‬

637
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,264
‪-你们说：“说嘛…”‬
‪-耶！‬

638
00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:24,599
‪-好的‬
‪-耶！‬

639
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:27,018
‪如果想听我手淫的事…‬

640
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,647
‪你只要打电话来告诉我‬

641
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:34,358
‪晚饭你没法赴约就行‬

642
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:37,987
‪我会当场立刻开始撸管‬

643
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:42,366
‪我不喜欢交际 我超爱那通电话‬

644
00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:44,785
‪那是我最喜欢的电话 我爱…‬

645
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:46,954
‪若在我要出门的时候就更爱了‬

646
00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:49,123
‪我能达到多次高潮 好吗？‬

647
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,834
‪当我走出房子的时候‬

648
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:53,544
‪“我他妈的才不想跟他们出去”‬

649
00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:56,255
‪然后他们打电话来说‬
‪“我们来不了了”‬

650
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:57,757
‪我说：“继续说不要停‬

651
00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,385
‪为什么？”‬

652
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,847
‪“我们出车祸了”‬

653
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,890
‪我会说：“噢‬

654
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:09,518
‪你们没事吧？‬

655
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:12,730
‪你们没事 但还是不来吃晚饭了的‬
‪好的”‬

656
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:18,110
‪“好了 收拾干净 汤姆” 好的‬

657
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:20,196
‪我当父亲了‬

658
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:21,781
‪而且…‬

659
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:26,994
‪我…我变了一点‬

660
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:29,872
‪没有变很多 你不得不有所改变‬

661
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,750
‪有这么个说法 “有了孩子 你就会变”‬

662
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:35,127
‪我个人认为 这句话应该改成‬

663
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,505
‪“有了孩子 你就应该改变”‬

664
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,133
‪你如果碰到这种人‬
‪那就是个重大危险信号‬

665
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:43,219
‪“嗯 我生了四个孩子 我完全没变”‬

666
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:45,805
‪你说：“你超级易变‬
‪知道这个真好”‬

667
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,182
‪不需要是巨大的改变‬

668
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,477
‪但是你会开始审视你的人生‬

669
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,895
‪并做出改变‬

670
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,690
‪就我来说 我对自己的改变感到自豪‬

671
00:37:55,773 --> 00:38:00,027
‪我意识到 我有了孩子以后‬
‪我就没有时间 也没有精力了‬

672
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:03,239
‪我的人生需要剔除一些东西‬
‪知道我去掉了什么吗？‬

673
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,116
‪和所有人争吵‬

674
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:08,160
‪每个朋友 每个家庭成员 我不吵了‬

675
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:10,746
‪一旦开始争吵 我就赶紧认怂保平安‬

676
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:12,290
‪一旦和别人开始争论‬

677
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:14,417
‪他们说：“我真的不认同你的说法”‬

678
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,252
‪我说：“对 我现在支持你”‬

679
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:18,546
‪他们说：“什么？”‬

680
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:22,008
‪我说：“你一开口 我就回心转意了‬

681
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,802
‪我就想和你说这么多”‬

682
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,389
‪我自由了 感觉很棒 好了…‬

683
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:34,020
‪并非所有人都喜欢‬
‪跟你说 我亲妈就不吃这一套‬

684
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:36,605
‪她以争吵而乐‬

685
00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:38,774
‪有些人生来就那样‬

686
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:40,985
‪斗争就是她的人生‬

687
00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:44,697
‪她想要捅人 捅了还要拧来拧去‬
‪她超爱的‬

688
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:48,326
‪她也是个梦想终结者 这是…‬

689
00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:52,204
‪我最不喜欢的人类品格‬

690
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:53,372
‪知道梦想终结者吗？‬

691
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:58,336
‪无论你说想做什么或尝试什么‬
‪那个人都会说…‬

692
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,047
‪“你不行”‬

693
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,549
‪你说：“有你真好”‬

694
00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:05,801
‪这些人阴魂不散 对吧？‬

695
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:09,138
‪我打赌 我提起这个‬
‪你就会想起这些人‬

696
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:11,390
‪他们就是这么强大 我记得…‬

697
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,976
‪我确实记得告诉她‬
‪“我要去洛杉矶做喜剧”‬

698
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:15,519
‪这是几年前 我告诉她‬

699
00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:17,146
‪“我要去洛杉矶做喜剧”‬

700
00:39:17,229 --> 00:39:20,941
‪她的回应是：“你应该去邮局”‬

701
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:24,779
‪我当时好单纯‬

702
00:39:24,862 --> 00:39:27,448
‪我说：“他们在邮局做喜剧？”‬

703
00:39:28,115 --> 00:39:29,367
‪她说：“不 是去上班”‬

704
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:32,495
‪我说：“不是的 喜剧就会是工作”‬

705
00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,038
‪她说：“我懂”‬

706
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:37,333
‪我说：“等等 我告诉你我的梦想‬

707
00:39:37,416 --> 00:39:39,585
‪然后你说‘去当个邮差’？”‬

708
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:41,837
‪她说：“是的”‬

709
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,340
‪好吧 现在我混得还行‬

710
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,384
‪我日子挺滋润的 她知道‬

711
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:49,303
‪很明显 她经常问我要东西 不过…‬

712
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:51,680
‪我还是能找乐子‬

713
00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,892
‪知道几周前 我送给我妈什么礼物‬

714
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:57,061
‪庆贺她75岁寿辰吗？‬

715
00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,147
‪一本集邮册 而且…‬

716
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:04,527
‪我放了一张纸条‬
‪“上班的时候弄到的”‬

717
00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:06,862
‪就像那样‬

718
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,454
‪不要难过 她可喜欢了‬

719
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:18,457
‪嗯 她是个混蛋 不过…‬

720
00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:21,168
‪她就是‬

721
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:23,963
‪我不喜欢碾碎梦想 真的不喜欢‬

722
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,089
‪我恰恰相反‬

723
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:26,841
‪我是梦想鼓励者‬

724
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:31,262
‪如果你带着疯狂的点子来找我‬
‪我会真诚祝福 好吗？‬

725
00:40:31,345 --> 00:40:35,224
‪我喜欢梦想狂野的人们‬

726
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:37,935
‪我公开说过 现在不停有人来找我‬

727
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:41,147
‪说：“我想开一个热狗摊‬
‪让你来买靴子”‬

728
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,357
‪我说：“好的 咱们来想办法”‬

729
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,863
‪我喜欢 我跟你说‬
‪我希望你有疯狂的梦想‬

730
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:50,448
‪我认真的 我真的这么想‬

731
00:40:50,531 --> 00:40:53,826
‪我会给你真诚的最佳建议 不是玩笑‬

732
00:40:53,909 --> 00:40:56,036
‪那会是我关于追梦最好的建议‬

733
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,372
‪我希望适用于你们所有人 好吗？‬

734
00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,083
‪情况是这样的 我认为…这是真事儿‬

735
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:07,173
‪只要你能接受‬
‪梦想即便不会如你所愿‬

736
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:10,718
‪但追梦旅程依然会让你感到充实‬

737
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,720
‪所以想做什么就放手去做吧‬

738
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:14,805
‪不然活着还有什么意思 对吧？‬

739
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:16,140
‪嗯‬

740
00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:23,522
‪为了进一步说明这一点‬
‪我告诉你们这个‬

741
00:41:23,606 --> 00:41:26,442
‪我记得两年前‬
‪我坐在一家咖啡馆吃饭‬

742
00:41:26,525 --> 00:41:28,068
‪位于洛杉矶‬

743
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:29,153
‪我坐下‬

744
00:41:29,236 --> 00:41:30,321
‪我坐下时‬

745
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,532
‪我朋友 我能听到她大声说‬
‪“不敢相信我居然在想那个”‬

746
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:36,076
‪我说：“想哪个？”‬
‪她说：“没什么”‬

747
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,120
‪我说：“啥事儿？”‬
‪她说：“很丢人”‬

748
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,371
‪我说：“告诉我嘛”‬

749
00:41:39,455 --> 00:41:41,582
‪她说：“如果我说了 你会取笑我的”‬

750
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:43,876
‪我说：“我常常取笑你啊 说吧”‬

751
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,504
‪她说：“就是我不想告诉别人的事情”‬

752
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:49,507
‪我说：“你说了你想去做的‬
‪那就说出来 然后你就能实现了”‬

753
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:52,510
‪她说：“我不想说”‬
‪我说：“如果你不告诉这个世界‬

754
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:54,845
‪它就永远不会实现 你得说出来‬
‪是什么？”‬

755
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,096
‪然后她说：“好的‬

756
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,891
‪我想给武当帮里的某个人口交”‬

757
00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:08,609
‪我立刻在想…‬

758
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,195
‪“我妈会怎么说？” 懂吗？‬

759
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:13,989
‪我告诉自己：“别像我妈那样‬

760
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:16,408
‪这是这个女孩的梦想”‬

761
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,874
‪所以我直视她的双眼…‬

762
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,293
‪我说：“你应该试试‬

763
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:31,215
‪他们组合有很多人”‬
‪我是这么说的 好了…‬

764
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,262
‪三个月后…‬

765
00:42:36,929 --> 00:42:38,847
‪她上了他们的巡演车…‬

766
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:42,101
‪她告诉了他们 猜猜怎么着？‬

767
00:42:42,184 --> 00:42:44,603
‪他们全都答应了‬

768
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:51,360
‪如果你们不熟悉的话‬

769
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,154
‪武当帮里…‬

770
00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,490
‪有九个成员‬

771
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:57,616
‪九个‬

772
00:42:58,617 --> 00:42:59,577
‪好多人‬

773
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:02,288
‪好多‬

774
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:04,582
‪咱们能否停下来…‬

775
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,084
‪数一数九个人有多少鸡巴？‬

776
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:11,964
‪我都不懂 人们这会儿怎么还坐得住‬

777
00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:16,218
‪有人问了‬
‪“你还想说啥？你是在逗我吗？”‬

778
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,596
‪那还不多吗？‬

779
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:19,638
‪闭上眼睛…‬

780
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:22,933
‪想象九根鸡巴‬

781
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:27,563
‪你心想：“天啊 简直到处都是”‬
‪因为有九个 这就是原因‬

782
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,609
‪我不是在搞荡妇羞耻‬

783
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:36,196
‪我是客观地说‬
‪凡事到了九就是很多了‬

784
00:43:37,197 --> 00:43:39,992
‪比如我说：“我今天吃了肉桂卷”‬

785
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:43,203
‪你问：“吃了多少个？”‬

786
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:45,372
‪“九个”‬

787
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,048
‪“要不要我带你去急诊室或者…？‬

788
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:58,218
‪上午就能截肢了 我们应该走了”‬

789
00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:00,346
‪九根鸡巴？‬

790
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,264
‪你他妈在逗我吗？‬

791
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:06,101
‪你们有些人要花15年‬
‪才能攒够九根鸡巴‬

792
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,312
‪对这姑娘而言 一个星期四就够了‬

793
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,569
‪试图想象一下‬

794
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:18,614
‪给九根可能不小的鸡巴口交…‬

795
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:23,786
‪所涉及的体力劳动‬

796
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:31,085
‪怕你们没注意到 武当帮可不像我‬

797
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,173
‪他们都是混合健身那种水平的‬

798
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,134
‪如果你们觉得立卧撑跳很难 使者…‬

799
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,263
‪“我做得好吗？”‬

800
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:46,558
‪你现在喜欢我了吗？”‬

801
00:44:49,228 --> 00:44:53,357
‪你们认为多少个之后她会说‬
‪“咱们消停一会儿吧‬

802
00:44:58,445 --> 00:45:00,114
‪我他妈的在做什么？‬

803
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,535
‪为什么他们这么小气？‬

804
00:45:08,247 --> 00:45:09,289
‪多少个了？‬

805
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,708
‪四个！我靠！‬

806
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:14,545
‪我完成了吗？”‬

807
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:16,672
‪他们说：“完成个鬼！‬

808
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:20,426
‪U-God、RZA、Rae、Ghost、Meth‬
‪人还多着呢！”‬

809
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,933
‪她说：“但我脖子疼”‬

810
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:31,729
‪他们说：“你得保护好你的脖子‬
‪你难道不听我们的歌吗？”‬

811
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,696
‪是的‬

812
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:44,241
‪那是个极品武当口交笑话 好了…‬

813
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,786
‪她是个真禽兽‬

814
00:45:48,370 --> 00:45:51,165
‪我有次问她：“如果能回答那一天‬

815
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:53,959
‪可以做些不同的事情‬
‪那你会做什么？‬

816
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:57,004
‪她说：“那我就不吃午饭了” 所以…‬

817
00:46:01,383 --> 00:46:03,469
‪费城姑娘 你能咋办？ 好了…‬

818
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:07,514
‪我们之前在聊什么？‬

819
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:09,266
‪对了 是我妈 好的…‬

820
00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:13,771
‪我是这样停止与她争执的‬

821
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:17,399
‪我希望如果你和你的父母‬
‪处于类似的情况‬

822
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:19,610
‪你能像我一样顿悟‬

823
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:22,863
‪情况是这样的‬
‪去年年末 她打电话给我‬

824
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:24,531
‪洛杉矶发生了火情‬

825
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:26,033
‪她说：“阿汤…”‬

826
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:28,410
‪跟你们说一下 她不是本地人‬

827
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:31,371
‪若你们纳闷：“为什么她说话‬
‪贼他妈怪？”‬

828
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:33,957
‪她来自南美洲‬

829
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,751
‪具体说来就是秘鲁 好的‬

830
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:39,588
‪她打电话跟我说：“阿汤…”‬

831
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:43,592
‪我说：“干嘛？”‬
‪她说：“这些大火 是坏的吗？”‬

832
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:44,968
‪我说：“嗯‬

833
00:46:46,678 --> 00:46:49,014
‪通常是好的 但这次是坏的”‬

834
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,937
‪她说：“人们正在死去？”‬

835
00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:56,897
‪我说：“如何困在火中 那就是的‬

836
00:46:58,524 --> 00:46:59,358
‪毕竟是大火啊”‬

837
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:02,611
‪她住在佛罗里达 所以她说‬

838
00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:06,073
‪“你那发大火 我们这刮飓风”‬

839
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,910
‪到处都在死人”‬

840
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:13,914
‪我说：“看来你在看新闻‬
‪你还想报道什么吗？”‬

841
00:47:15,415 --> 00:47:17,835
‪她说：“我觉得灾难的发生‬
‪是有原因的”‬

842
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:20,420
‪我说：“是的 它们叫做气候模式”‬

843
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:22,589
‪她说：“不是‬

844
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,468
‪我认为上帝试图给我们…‬

845
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:28,011
‪发启示”‬

846
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:30,722
‪我就是这样的  我…‬

847
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:34,142
‪我说：“什么启示？”‬

848
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:37,688
‪她说：“我认为他试图告诉我们‬
‪要当更好的人”‬

849
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:43,527
‪你知道有时候别人说了些话‬
‪你能明确感觉到‬

850
00:47:43,610 --> 00:47:45,362
‪你一定会和他们争论起来吗？‬

851
00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:48,866
‪话到了嘴边‬

852
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,118
‪你说：“我要狠狠吊打你”‬

853
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:57,457
‪我能感觉到我的愤怒正在蓄势待发‬

854
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,252
‪我能听到脑海中的论据‬

855
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:01,712
‪我能听见我自己的声音在说‬

856
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:06,800
‪“你是要告诉我‬
‪全知全爱无所不在的上帝‬

857
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,177
‪正在焚烧人们…‬

858
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:13,307
‪让人溺毙于飓风中‬
‪好让我们多多拥抱？‬

859
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,560
‪这是我这辈子听过的最蠢的玩意儿”‬

860
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:22,733
‪不过…‬

861
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,944
‪就在话要出口前 我沉思了片刻‬

862
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,530
‪我扪心自问：“有什么用？‬

863
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:31,158
‪我干嘛和这个妖女争论？”‬

864
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:32,075
‪你知道吗？‬

865
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:36,038
‪“让撒旦的姐妹称心如意好了‬

866
00:48:37,539 --> 00:48:39,249
‪你没法让她改主意的”‬

867
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,169
‪所以我有生以来第一次‬
‪做了个深呼吸‬

868
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,171
‪我说：“嗯‬

869
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,257
‪我看得出来他干嘛那样做‬

870
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:50,344
‪希望他别再杀我们了”‬

871
00:48:52,554 --> 00:48:54,598
‪她明白了 她说：“什么？”‬

872
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:01,104
‪我说：“你讲得有道理”‬
‪她说：“你干嘛这样做？”‬

873
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:06,693
‪你干嘛…‬
‪意思是：“你干嘛不和我争论？”‬

874
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:11,323
‪我说：“妈 我不知道 谁在乎？‬
‪你是对的 我是错的 那又如何？”‬

875
00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:13,617
‪她说：“阿汤 你知道吗？”‬

876
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:14,868
‪我说：“什么？”‬

877
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,788
‪她说：“阿汤 我一直知道‬
‪你就是个小贱货”‬

878
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:23,460
‪我说：“什么？”‬

879
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:26,922
‪她说：“再见 小贱人” 她就挂电话了‬

880
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:33,679
‪那就是我妈‬

881
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:37,933
‪好了 下面是我回敬她 挺好玩的‬

882
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:39,893
‪我从没骂过她‬

883
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:42,312
‪尽管我说了很多很疯的东西‬
‪但我从不骂她…‬

884
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:45,732
‪即便我真的生气‬
‪我也不会说“去你妈的！” 说不出口‬

885
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:50,070
‪感觉怪怪的 我喜欢玩心理战‬

886
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:54,116
‪嗯 我喜欢这种感觉‬
‪就是知道可以问我妈一个问题‬

887
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:56,743
‪哪怕只是提一下这个问题‬

888
00:49:56,827 --> 00:49:59,788
‪都可能会在未来的几年里‬
‪让她心惊胆战‬

889
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:03,792
‪所以我决定选一天给她找茬‬

890
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,043
‪于是我选择了圣诞节‬

891
00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:06,503
‪我做了这个‬

892
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:15,846
‪圣诞节上午 我父母‬
‪和他们的五条狗都在我家‬

893
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:19,266
‪我妈心情好极了‬

894
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:22,894
‪她是圣诞节上午的拉丁裔女性‬

895
00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,440
‪你们不明白那种喜悦‬

896
00:50:26,523 --> 00:50:28,316
‪她边做饭边跳舞‬

897
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,989
‪亲爱的主 今天到来了‬

898
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:37,325
‪那套西班牙佬的方式‬

899
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:42,372
‪我妈就是这样的‬

900
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:43,331
‪好了…‬

901
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834
‪我看到她了‬

902
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:53,133
‪嗯 我说：“妈”‬

903
00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,260
‪她说：“干嘛？”‬

904
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,222
‪我能感受到她洋溢着的喜悦之情‬

905
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:01,224
‪我心想：机不可失‬

906
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:04,895
‪我说：“妈 你有没有想过‬

907
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,731
‪你要如何埋葬其中的一条狗？”‬

908
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,154
‪她说：“你干嘛说那个？”‬

909
00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:17,199
‪我说：“我不知道”‬

910
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,411
‪我问：“你有没有想过‬

911
00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:25,165
‪-万一老爸先走 你要怎么办？”‬
‪-我的天啊！‬

912
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:29,544
‪她说：“不‬

913
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,255
‪我从来没想过”‬

914
00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:35,133
‪然后我说：“那么我要求你…所以‬

915
00:51:35,717 --> 00:51:36,551
‪你思考一下”‬

916
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,305
‪她说：“我会祈祷…‬

917
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:44,059
‪我希望能在同一天死去”‬

918
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,770
‪我说：“那样就超方便的‬

919
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:48,021
‪比如…‬

920
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:51,149
‪策划葬礼和审核遗嘱‬

921
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:53,610
‪如果你能办到 那我觉得‬
‪我们都会支持这个计划”‬

922
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,948
‪她说：“圣诞快乐 汤姆”‬

923
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:02,536
‪我说：“也祝你圣诞快乐” 然后…‬

924
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:05,539
‪我爸就坐在不到一米远处‬

925
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,209
‪我们的对话他一个字都没听‬

926
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:13,213
‪他就是那种老爸的模式‬
‪整个人是放空的 盯着吊灯看‬

927
00:52:13,296 --> 00:52:14,172
‪像这样…‬

928
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,846
‪你唤回他的注意力‬
‪就会突然把他从闪回中拉出来‬

929
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:22,430
‪我说：“嘿 老爸…” “嗯！”‬

930
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:24,766
‪老天爷‬

931
00:52:29,437 --> 00:52:30,772
‪我问了他相同的问题‬

932
00:52:30,856 --> 00:52:31,690
‪我说：“嘿 爸爸‬

933
00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:35,193
‪你有没有想过 如果妈妈先走‬
‪你要怎么办？”‬

934
00:52:35,277 --> 00:52:37,904
‪他说：“我喜欢金发妞‬
‪我喜欢大波妹”‬

935
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:46,413
‪“看来你思考了好一阵子了”‬

936
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:48,957
‪他说：“每晚都想”‬

937
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:50,458
‪每晚都想”‬

938
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:53,628
‪我说：“看来你们同床异梦”‬

939
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,006
‪那个家伙啊 我的天‬

940
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:58,717
‪男人七十真是没法比 对吧‬

941
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,762
‪我爸已经从心所欲不逾矩了‬

942
00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:07,767
‪他会说一些‬
‪不能安慰到任何人的大实话‬

943
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:12,731
‪比如这周我打电话给他‬
‪我问：“你还好吗？”‬

944
00:53:12,814 --> 00:53:15,525
‪他说：“同性恋不会让我困扰”‬
‪我就…‬

945
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:18,278
‪“挺好的”‬

946
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:22,115
‪他说：“他们过他们的日子‬
‪我干嘛不开心？”‬

947
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:23,700
‪我说：“我不知道”‬

948
00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:31,082
‪然后电话里就沉默了‬
‪我说：“我们现在聊完了吗？”‬

949
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:36,296
‪他说：“没有 我只是在思考”‬
‪“挺好玩的…‬

950
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:39,341
‪“听你的呼吸声 透过…”‬

951
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,721
‪他说：“你妈和我要去坐游轮”‬

952
00:53:44,804 --> 00:53:46,389
‪我说：“好的 祝你们玩得开心”‬

953
00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:48,516
‪我问他：“是哪条巡游线路？”‬

954
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,018
‪他说：“嘉年华”‬

955
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:52,812
‪我说：“等等‬
‪那不就是派对游轮吗？”‬

956
00:53:53,146 --> 00:53:54,564
‪我爸的回应…‬

957
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:57,901
‪我以我的孩子发誓…‬

958
00:53:58,610 --> 00:53:59,819
‪是这样的 “小子‬

959
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,571
‪没有其它方式来表达‬

960
00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:04,741
‪我喜欢看黑人开开心心的”‬

961
00:54:11,039 --> 00:54:11,873
‪什么？‬

962
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:17,671
‪我们都喜欢 但是要大声说出来吗？‬

963
00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:19,965
‪太他妈疯狂了‬

964
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:26,680
‪你能想象我爸爸‬
‪在嘉年华游轮船尾甲板上的样子吗‬

965
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:35,105
‪“这些黑人挺开心的 咱们去吃点东西‬
‪真好玩”‬

966
00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,111
‪好吧 咱们正经点‬

967
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,156
‪诸位 我觉得是时候了‬

968
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,451
‪我们得好好对待环境‬

969
00:54:48,952 --> 00:54:50,495
‪对吧？嗯‬

970
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:52,414
‪绝对的‬

971
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:57,669
‪我认为责任在于穷人 原因是这样的‬

972
00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:00,547
‪你都在我家垃圾堆里了‬

973
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:02,924
‪不妨帮我把玻璃从塑料里分拣出来？‬

974
00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:06,177
‪嗯‬

975
00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:09,556
‪听起来那边有些穷人‬

976
00:55:10,515 --> 00:55:12,642
‪真恶心 好了…‬

977
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:16,563
‪这是我确知的‬

978
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:19,190
‪穷人爱《圣经》 好吗？‬

979
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:23,570
‪他们爱它是因为‬

980
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:25,155
‪只有这本书免费 好了…‬

981
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,702
‪试试还有哪本书免费‬

982
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:32,871
‪记得把过程告诉我‬

983
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,374
‪你能否想象蠢到那份上…‬

984
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:45,008
‪居然去搞迷信？‬

985
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,348
‪想象一下蠢成那样‬

986
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:56,561
‪我个人对一切迷信行为‬
‪和所有迷信的人‬

987
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,396
‪都不屑一顾‬

988
00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,481
‪我讨厌他们所有人‬

989
00:55:59,564 --> 00:56:02,400
‪我讨厌同车的人这样‬

990
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:04,694
‪“我们要过桥了”‬

991
00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:13,703
‪“我要下车 祝你在桥上翻车‬

992
00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:14,621
‪我真心的”‬

993
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,666
‪他们好蠢 “现在是11点11分”‬

994
00:56:21,503 --> 00:56:22,420
‪“许个愿吧”‬

995
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:26,174
‪我希望你能喝一杯‬
‪氰化物和碎石头做成的奶昔‬

996
00:56:26,257 --> 00:56:27,217
‪那就是我的愿望‬

997
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,262
‪这些都应该让你心烦‬

998
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,391
‪但有一件事 你应该去游行抗议‬
‪我说真的‬

999
00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:36,559
‪我不敢相信 我们生活在‬

1000
00:56:36,643 --> 00:56:40,271
‪这个无比富裕发达的国家‬

1001
00:56:40,355 --> 00:56:43,233
‪我们却集体接受‬

1002
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:48,988
‪酒店甚至一些办公大楼居然没有13层‬

1003
00:56:49,072 --> 00:56:50,990
‪你明不明白…‬

1004
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:54,661
‪我们抛弃了连续的数字‬

1005
00:56:54,744 --> 00:56:55,787
‪就因为人们…‬

1006
00:56:59,749 --> 00:57:02,877
‪你可以去一家好酒店‬
‪特高档的四季酒店‬

1007
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:05,797
‪电梯会是12层、14层‬

1008
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,842
‪如果你问：“不好意思‬
‪为什么没有13层？”‬

1009
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:10,844
‪“那个数字不吉利‬

1010
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:17,559
‪有13层的话 那里就会有妖魔鬼怪‬

1011
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,356
‪所以我们把它拿掉了‬

1012
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:25,650
‪现在就没那么吓人了‬

1013
00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:28,903
‪你说：“你他妈的卡津人吧？‬

1014
00:57:28,987 --> 00:57:31,072
‪我们现在真的要这样做吗？”‬

1015
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,367
‪我不知道‬

1016
00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:36,119
‪嗯‬

1017
00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:39,581
‪你们喜欢那个梗 不过《圣经》那个…‬

1018
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:44,002
‪你们退缩了 你们这样…‬

1019
00:57:50,091 --> 00:57:51,551
‪“他每一场节目都听的”‬

1020
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,098
‪没事的 节目开场前我和他聊过‬

1021
00:57:57,182 --> 00:57:59,350
‪他说那是个不错的角度‬
‪别担心 好了…‬

1022
00:58:05,064 --> 00:58:08,234
‪我不会因为你有宗教信仰‬
‪就说你愚蠢 好吗？‬

1023
00:58:08,318 --> 00:58:09,194
‪那也太没品了‬

1024
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,905
‪如果宗教能让你安心 我觉得那很好‬

1025
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,865
‪我不会因此说你愚蠢‬

1026
00:58:13,948 --> 00:58:17,160
‪如果你看自己的星座 我才会说你蠢‬

1027
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:18,536
‪而且…‬

1028
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:25,502
‪你的人生的决策是基于…‬

1029
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,340
‪行星的运行‬

1030
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:35,136
‪我不知道你们是否和那种‬
‪瞎写的人打过交道 不过…‬

1031
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:38,181
‪他们通常会分享他们的智慧‬

1032
00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,017
‪比如：“你得去争取‬
‪因为你是双鱼座”‬

1033
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:45,355
‪谢了 医生‬

1034
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,441
‪这些人也认为‬

1035
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,527
‪和别人同一天生日是奇迹‬

1036
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:52,695
‪仿佛是个值得注意的事情似的‬

1037
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,949
‪然后你得解释那为何并不稀奇‬

1038
00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:58,201
‪“我们人数众多 而且…‬

1039
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,913
‪没有那么多选择‬
‪所以一直会发生这种事情”‬

1040
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:03,498
‪那些人…‬

1041
00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:09,629
‪但让我立刻想杀人的是…‬

1042
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:14,759
‪那些对出生日期接近也感到激动的人‬

1043
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:18,972
‪好像这是多大一个屁事儿似的‬

1044
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,891
‪我每个月住酒店都会碰上这种事‬

1045
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:23,393
‪我登记入住‬

1046
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,645
‪一个人会看我的身份证 他或说…‬

1047
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:29,315
‪“你是4月16号生的？‬

1048
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:30,900
‪我是4月3号”‬

1049
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:40,660
‪我说：“等等！‬

1050
00:59:43,037 --> 00:59:44,289
‪你是想告诉我…‬

1051
00:59:45,665 --> 00:59:47,041
‪我出生的…‬

1052
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:49,335
‪两周前…‬

1053
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:51,337
‪你就出生了？‬

1054
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:10,440
‪这下我都有内裤布丁了”‬

1055
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:14,819
‪内裤布丁？‬

1056
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:17,739
‪恶心‬

1057
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:21,409
‪我记得一个姑娘说过 那是在…‬

1058
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:24,329
‪2002年…‬

1059
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,165
‪你们很多人不会喜欢的‬

1060
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:34,172
‪不过那一年 俄亥俄州拿下了‬
‪国家足球赛冠军‬

1061
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:41,387
‪仿佛比起《圣经》 你们更关心足球‬

1062
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:42,388
‪不过话说回来…‬

1063
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,227
‪我懂‬

1064
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,188
‪老梗了 话说回来…‬

1065
01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:52,398
‪我和那个女孩在一起‬

1066
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:54,359
‪比赛的第二天遇到了她‬

1067
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,320
‪她来自哥伦布市 在那上学‬

1068
01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,530
‪我随便说了点什么 我就那么一说‬

1069
01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:03,576
‪我说：“你来自哥伦布？”‬
‪你们的人夺冠了 你激动吗？”‬

1070
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,914
‪她说：“激动？我都有内裤布丁了”‬

1071
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:10,375
‪我就…‬

1072
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:16,255
‪然后我干了她 因为…‬

1073
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:19,592
‪她是个下流妹子 好吗？‬

1074
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,761
‪她没撒谎‬

1075
01:01:21,844 --> 01:01:24,472
‪那玩意就像木薯淀粉‬
‪你得把它舀出来‬

1076
01:01:25,556 --> 01:01:26,766
‪甩到身后‬

1077
01:01:28,643 --> 01:01:30,770
‪你们觉得考斯比还吃布丁吗？‬

1078
01:01:34,315 --> 01:01:40,947
‪我常常怀疑他在牢里‬
‪是否还保留了幽默感‬

1079
01:01:41,030 --> 01:01:44,784
‪你觉得他去洗澡的路上‬
‪会调戏那些人吗？‬

1080
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:49,247
‪你觉得他会说：“别把布丁棒棒糖‬
‪放进我的葡萄干蛋糕里”‬

1081
01:01:55,294 --> 01:01:56,129
‪像这样吗？‬

1082
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:03,219
‪他们会说：“天啊 比尔彻底疯了‬

1083
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:05,388
‪给我来根烟 比尔！”‬

1084
01:02:05,471 --> 01:02:06,347
‪好的…‬

1085
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:11,602
‪可以看出来 我喜欢你们‬

1086
01:02:13,104 --> 01:02:14,105
‪知道原因吗？‬

1087
01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:16,858
‪因为我讲了自己人生中一个‬
‪陈旧的性爱故事‬

1088
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,901
‪我认为每次发生这种事情时‬

1089
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:22,363
‪当有人给你讲他们的人生旧事‬

1090
01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:25,324
‪那是因为他们喜欢你‬
‪而且他们想得到你们的认可‬

1091
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,410
‪是的 绝对的 老兄…‬

1092
01:02:28,619 --> 01:02:30,455
‪最精彩的故事是谁说的？‬

1093
01:02:30,538 --> 01:02:32,790
‪往往是你生命中的新人‬

1094
01:02:32,874 --> 01:02:35,585
‪为什么？因为他们全力以赴‬

1095
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:37,170
‪他们想打动你‬

1096
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:40,590
‪最烂的故事是谁说的？‬
‪你最好的朋友‬

1097
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,844
‪他们知道反正你也不会走‬
‪你最好的朋友就说‬

1098
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:47,388
‪“我操了我老婆”‬
‪你说：“闭嘴‬

1099
01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,851
‪我们正要吃饭呢 我认识她‬
‪赶紧他妈闭嘴”‬

1100
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,353
‪然后他们说：“故事挺精彩的”‬

1101
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:56,731
‪“好吧 是什么？”‬
‪“她并不想做‬

1102
01:02:58,566 --> 01:03:00,985
‪但我不停烦她 让她不堪其扰‬

1103
01:03:02,153 --> 01:03:03,696
‪她终于崩溃了‬

1104
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:06,032
‪她就一动不动地躺着”‬

1105
01:03:06,115 --> 01:03:08,785
‪你说：“你是啥玩意？连环奸杀犯？‬
‪这个故事太渗人了”‬

1106
01:03:10,745 --> 01:03:12,872
‪我跟你们讲一个好笑的故事 好吗？‬

1107
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:17,627
‪很多年前 我第一次来到洛杉矶‬
‪我在酒吧里遇到了一个女孩‬

1108
01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:19,253
‪她带我去她的住处‬

1109
01:03:19,337 --> 01:03:22,089
‪我们开始胡闹 我签了同意书‬

1110
01:03:23,549 --> 01:03:24,884
‪我们开始乱搞了‬

1111
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:27,762
‪我们正忙活着 她把手绕到后面‬

1112
01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:29,889
‪她把一根手指插了进来 我就…‬

1113
01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:32,683
‪她就…‬

1114
01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:36,813
‪然后我就：“噢耶”‬

1115
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:42,235
‪就这样 故事结束 好的‬

1116
01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:47,156
‪去追寻你的梦想吧‬

1117
01:03:48,741 --> 01:03:49,659
‪我真心的‬

1118
01:03:49,742 --> 01:03:52,495
‪我知道听起来很俗气 但我是无意的‬
‪我只是…‬

1119
01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:53,996
‪我经常思考这件事情原因是‬

1120
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:57,083
‪我见过很多人 好吗？‬
‪我见过的人比你们多很多‬

1121
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:00,127
‪完全不是一个量级的 所以…‬

1122
01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,297
‪是这样的 人们通常对我言语友善‬

1123
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,633
‪他们说：“感谢前来 我很开心”‬

1124
01:04:05,716 --> 01:04:09,595
‪谈话自然会转向 我会问别人‬
‪“你是干哪一行的？”‬

1125
01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:11,639
‪知道我98%的时候会听到什么吗？‬

1126
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:14,058
‪他们会说：“工作稀烂 我恨它”‬

1127
01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:16,352
‪然后我说：“干嘛不做点别的？”‬

1128
01:04:16,435 --> 01:04:19,689
‪他们说：“来不及的 我的人生完了‬
‪再见” 然后就走了‬

1129
01:04:20,314 --> 01:04:21,858
‪这个画面在我脑海里挥之不去‬

1130
01:04:22,441 --> 01:04:23,442
‪我就思考这个问题‬

1131
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:26,863
‪但我有建议 我建立你牢记这个建议‬

1132
01:04:26,946 --> 01:04:30,157
‪是这样的 你需要把一件事做到极致‬

1133
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,075
‪就是这件事‬

1134
01:04:31,158 --> 01:04:34,412
‪你需要管控你的期待‬

1135
01:04:34,495 --> 01:04:37,290
‪这不是与生俱来的 这是一项技能‬

1136
01:04:37,373 --> 01:04:39,542
‪你只要去练习 就会擅长‬

1137
01:04:39,625 --> 01:04:43,254
‪期待管控得越好 你就感觉越充实‬

1138
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:45,923
‪郁闷就越少 整个人就更快乐‬

1139
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:49,218
‪我来跟你们分享一下‬
‪我人生中最大的失望‬

1140
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,345
‪回想起来 这得怪我自己‬

1141
01:04:51,429 --> 01:04:53,389
‪我当时并不知道 但我现在知道了‬

1142
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,267
‪我会告诉你 这会让一些人不开心的‬

1143
01:04:56,851 --> 01:05:00,354
‪但希望我们能把它当作一个学习工具‬

1144
01:05:01,397 --> 01:05:02,857
‪情况是这样的‬

1145
01:05:03,190 --> 01:05:07,945
‪我觉得69式被过誉了 而且很没劲‬

1146
01:05:10,656 --> 01:05:11,616
‪是啊‬

1147
01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:13,159
‪瞧见没有？有人鼓掌了‬

1148
01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:15,620
‪有些人说：“把这个人抓起来”‬
‪不过听着‬

1149
01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,123
‪道明原因的故事更重要‬

1150
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:21,334
‪你记不记得第一次听到它的时候？‬
‪我记得‬

1151
01:05:21,417 --> 01:05:24,170
‪我当时在上三年级 太年幼了 好吗？‬

1152
01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:27,632
‪有一个年长的孩子告诉了我‬
‪我说：“什么？‬

1153
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:30,676
‪同时吗？”‬

1154
01:05:32,178 --> 01:05:34,597
‪我差点要癫痫发作‬
‪我都不知道他在说什么‬

1155
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:38,184
‪我都没啥参考信息 让我能不懂装懂‬

1156
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:41,187
‪我说：“那感觉就像在拉屎的时候‬

1157
01:05:41,270 --> 01:05:43,022
‪吃覆盖了冰淇淋的芝士汉堡”‬

1158
01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:47,401
‪他说：“就像那么回事”‬

1159
01:05:48,903 --> 01:05:50,363
‪从那天起 我就着迷了‬

1160
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:54,408
‪我告诉你我着迷的时候‬
‪那我就是彻底陷进去了‬

1161
01:05:54,492 --> 01:05:56,202
‪我不是为了讲故事才这么说的‬

1162
01:05:56,285 --> 01:05:58,913
‪我无时无刻不在说它、想它、梦见它‬

1163
01:05:58,996 --> 01:06:01,499
‪歌唱它、给它编段子 “69”‬

1164
01:06:01,582 --> 01:06:04,377
‪学校的每一本笔记本上都写满“69”‬

1165
01:06:04,877 --> 01:06:07,630
‪我参加的每只运动队伍‬
‪我都说：“我是69号！”‬

1166
01:06:09,006 --> 01:06:10,883
‪他们说：“这是五年级的篮球赛‬

1167
01:06:10,967 --> 01:06:12,426
‪你不妨冷静点？”‬

1168
01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:16,180
‪每次生日、圣诞节‬
‪我爸会说：“你想要什么？”‬

1169
01:06:16,263 --> 01:06:19,684
‪我会说：“我要69”‬
‪他会说：“闭嘴 别说那个了”‬

1170
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:22,144
‪我往往会挑衅地拒绝‬

1171
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:26,107
‪“69式会是最好的 最好的 69‬

1172
01:06:26,190 --> 01:06:28,859
‪就像从上帝的鸡巴里吸出冰毒来‬
‪我想要它”‬

1173
01:06:30,903 --> 01:06:33,531
‪我的期待与日俱增‬

1174
01:06:33,614 --> 01:06:36,492
‪当我终于得到它的时候‬

1175
01:06:36,575 --> 01:06:38,160
‪知道我说的第一句话是什么吗？‬

1176
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,704
‪“走开 好吗？‬

1177
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:41,998
‪我脖子疼‬

1178
01:06:42,498 --> 01:06:44,417
‪我的鼻子都挪不开‬

1179
01:06:45,918 --> 01:06:47,837
‪感觉好吗？感觉像在工作‬

1180
01:06:47,920 --> 01:06:51,340
‪好吧 如果是你翻过来给我口交‬
‪然后我再给你口交‬

1181
01:06:51,424 --> 01:06:52,675
‪这样就会好些‬

1182
01:06:52,758 --> 01:06:55,428
‪为什么得同时进行？‬

1183
01:06:55,636 --> 01:06:57,304
‪我们是赶时间吗？‬

1184
01:07:04,353 --> 01:07:07,940
‪那个年轻牧师过几分钟‬
‪就要回来了吗？‬

1185
01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:13,362
‪咱们轮流来吧‬
‪就像在幼儿园学会的那样”‬

1186
01:07:14,447 --> 01:07:17,199
‪成年人玩69的都是些什么疯子？‬

1187
01:07:17,283 --> 01:07:18,492
‪如果你是个男人‬

1188
01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,911
‪我希望你好歹做个绅士‬

1189
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:22,371
‪你躺下‬

1190
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:26,500
‪你不是那种操猪的野蛮人…‬

1191
01:07:28,627 --> 01:07:31,005
‪像这种：“我喜欢这个角度‬

1192
01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:35,468
‪然后你能听到下面的求生挣扎”‬

1193
01:07:40,431 --> 01:07:42,433
‪你说：“感觉挺好”‬

1194
01:07:42,516 --> 01:07:44,143
‪我打赌那感觉肯定超好‬

1195
01:07:44,852 --> 01:07:47,938
‪你狠狠插进身体下面‬
‪那个可怜女人的喉咙里‬

1196
01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:52,276
‪我觉得想象不出比这更恐怖的画面…‬

1197
01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:56,197
‪一个女人 可爱的女人…‬

1198
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,325
‪比如 想象你妈妈躺在那里…‬

1199
01:08:00,826 --> 01:08:04,622
‪期待着在下位玩一场69‬

1200
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:07,500
‪她说：“什么鬼？”‬

1201
01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,503
‪她脸上是那种表情‬

1202
01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:13,506
‪仿佛在问‬
‪“搜救队能在这找到我吗？”‬

1203
01:08:14,423 --> 01:08:17,093
‪然后一个男人 一个恶心的男人…‬

1204
01:08:19,136 --> 01:08:21,889
‪比如我 我说：“准备好 来吧”‬

1205
01:08:23,849 --> 01:08:25,975
‪这里还有屁股毛上的粪渣和线头‬

1206
01:08:26,935 --> 01:08:28,354
‪这是你妈妈 我就这样…‬

1207
01:08:31,232 --> 01:08:34,693
‪如果是我在玩这个 我会听到‬
‪“我额头上是什么？”‬

1208
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:38,113
‪我说：“那是我的肠子‬

1209
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:42,493
‪那我老爹装湿垃圾的肠子”‬

1210
01:08:43,577 --> 01:08:45,996
‪奥斯汀 你们太棒了 感谢今晚捧场‬

1211
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,413
‪感激不尽‬

1212
01:08:48,415 --> 01:08:50,792
‪下次见 晚安 再见了哥们‬

1213
01:09:51,060 --> 01:09:53,606
‪（此特辑献给飞宝 愿你安息）‬

1214
01:09:53,689 --> 01:09:56,483
‪字幕翻译：陈亦平‬