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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯‬

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪大家好嗎？‬

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‪不是蓋的‬

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‪謝謝‬

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‪你們好嗎？不錯‬

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‪謝謝各位，很高興來到德州奧斯丁‬

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‪對‬

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‪我巡迴演出的時候‬
‪會留下我老婆和兩個小孩‬

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‪她很黏人‬

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‪我離開的時候會哭‬

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‪真的…‬

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‪每次都會‬

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‪是真的‬

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‪我走的時候她會說‬
‪“你走了我會很難過”‬

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‪然後我就得發揮演技‬

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‪“我也會很難過”‬

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‪懂嗎？‬

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‪才不難過‬

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‪很好玩‬

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‪我剛剛才在後台演過一次‬
‪就五分鐘前‬

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‪她說：“我在家裡很孤單”‬

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‪我就說：“我在這裡也很孤單”‬

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‪才不是‬

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‪她很棒‬

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‪我愛她，愛孩子比她多，但也愛她‬

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‪那種愛有點不一樣‬

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‪首先，我不會想幹我的孩子‬

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‪“很好，湯姆”‬

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‪你對孩子的愛是無法言喻的‬

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‪真的，我現在有親身經歷‬

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‪可以取笑一些沒孩子的人‬

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‪發誓說自己能理解‬

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‪我最喜歡那種情況‬

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‪跟一個沒孩子的朋友一起‬
‪然後他說…‬

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‪“我知道你很愛你的孩子”‬

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‪“我完全能理解，因為…”‬

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‪“我很愛我的狗”‬

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‪你會懂才怪‬

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‪我不是說愛寵物不算‬

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‪愛寵物也是真愛‬

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‪-對！‬
‪-絕對是‬

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‪我一輩子都有養寵物，寵物最棒了‬

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‪我參與過動物救助‬
‪我建議大家也試試看‬

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‪我有一隻狗，我超愛牠的‬

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‪但是我對狗狗的愛‬
‪跟孩子的愛有一個重大分別‬

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‪要是那隻狗傷害我的孩子‬

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‪我會馬上毫不猶豫的…‬

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‪我會把那隻狗淹死‬

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‪不管牠怎麼哀鳴‬

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‪還是毫不猶豫‬

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‪然後我會送給我兒子‬

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‪“記得牠傷害你嗎？我把牠殺了”‬

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‪他肯定嚇個半死‬

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‪“我要一頭死狗幹嘛？”‬

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‪“我也不懂，也許你該學會自立”‬

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‪“那樣我就不用做這種事了”‬

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‪我知道‬

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‪那個笑話很兩極化‬

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‪整個巡迴都是那樣子‬

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‪那個笑話會把觀眾分為兩派‬

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‪有些人說我不該模仿狗狗的悲鳴‬

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‪因為聽起來會像真‬

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‪也有一些人會說…‬

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‪“悲鳴該留著，我最喜歡那部分了”‬

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‪你們自己心知肚明‬

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‪對‬

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‪有孩子會讓你作出瘋狂的行為‬

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‪其中有一些，我也不是很自豪‬

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‪去年是第一次有人欺負我的孩子‬

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‪我的反應不太好‬

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‪我帶我大兒子去公園‬

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‪他兩歲半‬

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‪超他媽可愛的孩子‬

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‪我走進公園，往遊樂場走去‬

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‪他走到過去，把腳踏在上面‬

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‪然後有一個大孩子，也就是四歲‬

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‪他說：“你不能玩那個，那是我的”‬

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‪我就說：“我會把你的胸口踢穿”‬

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‪然後他嚇壞了‬

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‪我就說：“我現在就能打死你”‬

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‪於是他開始哭，我在大笑‬

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‪所有人都聚在周圍‬

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‪你不能那樣做‬

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‪對著小屁孩，什麼都不能做‬

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‪你能在他們身旁飆髒話‬

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‪但不能對著他們講，很重要的區別‬

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‪在他們身旁講‬

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‪然後幻象他們回家會模仿‬

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‪然後被罵，心裡就很滿足‬

92
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,095
‪但是你得加點節奏，他們才會記得‬

93
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‪因為他們只是笨蛋孩子‬

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‪所以要這樣‬

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‪“他媽的屌穴大睪丸”‬

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‪“吃老二，舔屁眼”‬

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‪孩子才會跟著…‬

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‪“那是什麼？”‬

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‪“你跟你媽講就好”‬

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‪他們走過的時候‬
‪你可以“意外”打一下‬

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‪我有試過，但是得…‬

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‪他們走過的時候就…‬

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‪那樣子敲下去…‬

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‪“他媽的屌穴大…”‬

105
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‪你們有沒有遇過一些人‬

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‪他們沉悶得好像對你下毒了？‬

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‪你對他們講話，感覺好像快要死了‬

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‪肯定是他們害的‬

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‪我遇到的人叫克雷格，他…‬

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‪我刻意記住他的名字‬
‪一輩子都會記得他‬

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‪我在銀行遇見他‬

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‪他是櫃檯職員嗎？‬

113
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‪不是，是警衛員嗎？‬

114
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‪也不是‬

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‪他是幹嘛的？‬

116
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‪我不懂，他就是待在銀行大堂…‬

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‪就站在那裡的人‬

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‪你進去問他：“你在這裡工作嗎？”‬

119
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‪然後他也不確定的那種‬

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‪大堂聯絡員‬

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‪我看到他，我們四目交接‬

122
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‪我不知道你們是怎樣‬
‪但是我跟別人四目交接‬

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‪只限早上，晚上不算‬

124
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,104
‪但是在早上…‬

125
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‪出於基本的禮貌，我不能無視他們‬

126
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‪於是我就跟他搭話‬

127
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‪我們四目交接，我就問他‬
‪“你好嗎？”，然後他…‬

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‪我心想：“那好吧”‬

129
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‪然後我走到入口第二扇門‬

130
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‪我伸手開門的時候‬
‪聽到有人說：“你是要去銀行嗎？”‬

131
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‪我問他：“這裡還是銀行吧？”‬

132
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‪他說：“是啊”‬

133
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‪我就說：“我是想要進去”‬

134
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,512
‪然後他說：“你隨便進去”‬

135
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‪我就…‬

136
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‪“好吧”‬

137
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‪“謝謝了”‬

138
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,520
‪然後我伸手開門‬

139
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:20,606
‪他就說：“我下星期要去維珍尼亞州”‬

140
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‪“你是對我說嗎？”‬

141
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‪他說：“你剛來的時候問我好不好”‬

142
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‪“我得花時間想想”‬

143
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‪“所以就這樣了”‬

144
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‪我心想：“那是我聽過‬
‪最瘋狂的一句話”‬

145
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‪“問你好不好‬
‪不是那樣回答的，但算了”‬

146
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‪然後我轉身開門，他又說…‬

147
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‪“對，我姐姐住在那裡”，我就…‬

148
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‪“她住在哪裡多久了？”‬

149
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‪現在我逃不掉了‬

150
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‪他說：“十五年了”‬

151
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,272
‪我問他：“你一直都沒去過？”‬
‪他說沒有‬

152
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‪我開始好奇，他是不是自己開車上班‬

153
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‪還是有人接送他，你懂我意思‬

154
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‪我覺得他…‬

155
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‪對‬

156
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‪他好像看得出來‬

157
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‪因為他突然說：“我會開車”‬

158
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‪我就說：“那很不錯”‬

159
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‪“我也會開車，真巧啊”‬

160
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‪“我該進去了”‬

161
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‪他說：“我們打算去華盛頓‬
‪看些紀念碑之類的”‬

162
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‪我就說：“我也很想繼續聽‬
‪但我得去存錢”‬

163
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‪他說：“你出來時，我還會在這裡”‬
‪我心想：“他媽的”‬

164
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‪他去死好了‬

165
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‪還有全部跟他一樣的人‬

166
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‪要是有人問“你好嗎”的時候‬

167
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‪你膽敢認真去回答‬

168
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‪那簡直就是無理自私，好嗎？‬

169
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‪我是認真的‬

170
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‪“你好嗎”這個問題‬
‪只有兩個答案可以接受‬

171
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‪“很好”或者是“超棒”‬

172
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‪要是你真的過得很糟‬
‪可以說：“還好”‬

173
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‪但那只是禮貌性的對話‬
‪不能把你真實的煩惱‬

174
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‪加諸於別人身上‬

175
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‪對呀‬

176
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‪真的‬

177
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‪你懂為什麼嗎？‬

178
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‪因為沒人想聽你的煩惱‬

179
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‪你的煩惱讓我硬不起來‬

180
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‪我得堅挺做人呢‬

181
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‪現在…‬

182
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‪你知道有誰的系統很棒嗎？‬

183
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:45,251
‪菲律賓總統，羅德里戈杜特蒂‬

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‪要是你們沒聽說‬

185
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‪菲律賓總統超酷的‬

186
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‪他有很多有趣的主意‬

187
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‪其中一個是‬
‪他僱用了一堆電單車殺手‬

188
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‪出去直接替他殺人‬

189
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‪不用逮捕，不用審判‬

190
00:10:09,483 --> 00:10:10,651
‪他的目標是什麼人？‬

191
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‪毒販和懷疑吸毒的人‬

192
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‪“懷疑”‬

193
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‪你們知道馬尼拉每天‬
‪有多少疲勞的人被殺嗎？‬

194
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,165
‪那不是很瘋狂嗎？‬

195
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,501
‪你可以在上午5點‬
‪睡眼惺忪的走出家門口‬

196
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,879
‪然後聽到引擎聲，馬上就…‬

197
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‪“我醒著！”‬

198
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,014
‪他們過來問你：“是不是嗨了？”‬
‪你說：“我剛起床”‬

199
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,224
‪然後他們說：“好像是嗨了”‬
‪就一槍把你打死‬

200
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,645
‪太可怕了‬

201
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,355
‪簡直是令人髮指‬

202
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,231
‪我希望這裡也能實施‬

203
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,149
‪不是…‬

204
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,028
‪當然不是針對吸毒者‬

205
00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:59,200
‪我認為應該是針對那些‬
‪走在路上講電話時…‬

206
00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,786
‪開著擴音器放在自己面前的人‬

207
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,038
‪懂我意思嗎？對‬

208
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:10,711
‪那些人怎麼能趴趴走‬
‪對周圍的世界視而不見？‬

209
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,421
‪在派對買咖啡的時候…‬

210
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,966
‪還得聽他們雙方大聲對話‬

211
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,844
‪每次都是：“你昨晚去哪了？”‬

212
00:11:27,561 --> 00:11:29,522
‪當場把他們的喉嚨割斷‬

213
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,400
‪把屍體踢開，然後繼續買咖啡‬

214
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,528
‪太暴力嗎？我懂，所以…‬

215
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:40,116
‪你知道有什麼人‬
‪會讓我想用郵箱夾他們的蛋蛋…‬

216
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:42,952
‪連續20分鐘嗎？‬

217
00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:50,418
‪成年的大男人，坐早上6點的飛機‬
‪然後好像沒見過雲‬

218
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:51,460
‪我不知道…‬

219
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:54,296
‪你們…‬

220
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:59,885
‪你們有沒有幸運的坐過早晨的飛機‬

221
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:04,223
‪機上會有不明文的協定‬
‪大家保持機艙黑暗‬

222
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,767
‪讓所有都可以休息‬

223
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,187
‪但是每次都會有一個笨蛋乘客…‬

224
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,399
‪對‬

225
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:19,780
‪每次都會有一個人在說：‬
‪“我沒看過那樣的雲朵”‬

226
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,540
‪“又有一朵了”‬

227
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,085
‪你他媽的是四歲嗎？‬

228
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,256
‪把窗簾關上，蠢材，我們要休息‬

229
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:43,304
‪還有些人把自己的家人‬

230
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,848
‪用火柴人貼在車尾窗戶上‬
‪還寫上名字‬

231
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:52,605
‪他們應該被公開處決‬

232
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,650
‪就在車裡行刑‬
‪那樣我們就能用窗戶計算‬

233
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,280
‪那不是很瘋狂嗎？‬

234
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,824
‪你沒有任何保護意識嗎？‬

235
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:04,909
‪太瘋狂了‬

236
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,660
‪隨便在交通燈停下‬

237
00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,623
‪然後前車的人就在說…‬
‪“我知道你沒問…”‬

238
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,669
‪“但是車裡有爸爸媽媽”‬

239
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,006
‪“還有布萊恩和瑪瑞莎”‬

240
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,551
‪“布萊恩身旁有個足球”‬

241
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,805
‪“因為布萊恩喜歡踢足球”‬

242
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,852
‪布萊恩喜歡被性侵嗎？因為…‬

243
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:39,443
‪你把他的名字和愛好‬
‪都寫在這裡給社會當誘餌‬

244
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,238
‪你是不是失心瘋了？‬

245
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,951
‪你為什麼不把你家地址‬
‪和他的日程表‬

246
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,285
‪直接寫在旁邊？‬

247
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:52,289
‪“布萊恩六點起床‬
‪一點回家，七點洗澡”‬

248
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,210
‪“歡迎你來參加”‬

249
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:57,753
‪不可理喻‬

250
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:01,173
‪各位…‬

251
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,594
‪你們有沒有想過自己…‬

252
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,389
‪跟另一半做愛做過幾次？‬

253
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:11,517
‪首先，你們不應該知道答案‬

254
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,103
‪要是真的知道，那也太可怕了‬

255
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:15,980
‪請你們馬上離場‬

256
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,859
‪要是有人正在想：“終於有人問了”‬

257
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,153
‪“是926次！”‬

258
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,782
‪出口在那邊，我說的是…‬

259
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:31,662
‪我說的是一種概念‬
‪我們可以合理的假設‬

260
00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:36,208
‪如果你跟一個人交往三年‬
‪彼此有健康的關係‬

261
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,086
‪應該做過數百次吧‬

262
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:40,379
‪對吧？沒錯‬

263
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,384
‪現在我要你們想想自己爸爸…‬

264
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:49,889
‪對媽媽中出過多少次‬

265
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,518
‪肯定超多次‬

266
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:59,356
‪“湯姆，你為什麼會說那種話？”‬

267
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:08,115
‪基本上，我是所‬
‪所有人的媽媽都是淫婦‬

268
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,493
‪但我媽比你媽好一點‬

269
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,500
‪那個印象揮之不去吧？‬

270
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,462
‪你在想：“天哪，我媽也會滴精？”‬

271
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:22,796
‪大概會吧‬

272
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,383
‪濕漉漉的，聽著…‬

273
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,847
‪你媽肯定做過一些糟糕的事情‬

274
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,974
‪我們來聊聊看‬

275
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,899
‪肯定有，然後…‬

276
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,818
‪我是要替她辯護，好嗎？‬

277
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,528
‪那不是她的錯‬

278
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,198
‪肯定是你爸的錯‬

279
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:53,535
‪無意冒犯‬
‪但你爸是有點渾蛋，一點點‬

280
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,621
‪如果你在想：“我爸不是”‬

281
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,581
‪“他很好…”‬

282
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:58,499
‪對你當然好‬

283
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,585
‪對你媽不會一直都那麼好‬

284
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:04,171
‪要是他們一起三十年‬

285
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:09,426
‪你覺得他不會偶爾說些糟糕的話嗎？‬

286
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,344
‪當然會‬

287
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,637
‪他們躺在床上‬

288
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,098
‪你爸輾轉反側，睡不著‬

289
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:18,185
‪你可憐的媽媽問他‬
‪“你還好嗎，親愛的？”‬

290
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,145
‪“沒事”‬

291
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,606
‪“晚餐還好嗎？”‬

292
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,608
‪“還好，閉嘴啦，我要睡覺”‬

293
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,153
‪“我能做點什麼幫忙嗎？”‬

294
00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:30,197
‪“可以，妳能替我舔蛋蛋”‬

295
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,574
‪你們知道嗎？‬

296
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,244
‪你可憐的媽媽會照做，好嗎？‬

297
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,081
‪因為她喜歡控球，於是你媽在下面…‬

298
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,011
‪然後她心想：“我喜歡我的人生”‬

299
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,766
‪你媽啊，還有…‬

300
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,686
‪你祖母‬

301
00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:03,230
‪想想她又做過什麼‬

302
00:17:04,647 --> 00:17:07,568
‪在火車路軌上，或者其他亂搞的地方‬

303
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,738
‪艾爾帕索之類的‬

304
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:17,327
‪你也許會問：‬
‪“湯姆，你怎麼要講這些呢？”‬

305
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,537
‪因為我覺得好玩‬

306
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,249
‪因為我喜歡讓人不快‬

307
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:25,961
‪我不知道那是不是‬
‪代表我心理上有問題‬

308
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,547
‪但是…我也不懂‬
‪我現在腦海裡有一隊軍樂團‬

309
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:31,467
‪在一直替我打氣讚好‬

310
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:33,552
‪對‬

311
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:37,931
‪因為我在想象一個人說…‬
‪“我本來是很盡興的”‬

312
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,935
‪“但後來他開始說我的淫婦媽媽”‬

313
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,522
‪然後那個畫面讓我很高興，我也不懂‬

314
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,984
‪有些人會覺得不快‬
‪他們會嘗試告訴我‬

315
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,278
‪我說他們會“嘗試”‬

316
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:54,323
‪因為他們發給我的訊息‬
‪我永遠不會讀‬

317
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:56,784
‪我以前會，以前每一封都會讀‬

318
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:00,788
‪我花了很長時間才學會‬
‪其實不應該每封都讀‬

319
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:05,042
‪我認為任何一個表演者‬
‪都不該完全消化所有人給的訊息‬

320
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,753
‪我有一段很長的時間‬
‪都不懂這個道理‬

321
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:10,631
‪我真希望我有知道‬
‪因為那感覺很不好受‬

322
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:15,344
‪我第一次禍從口出是大概五年前‬

323
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:18,472
‪我在電視上說“吉普賽人”惹禍‬

324
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,934
‪我說的也不是什麼好話，所以我就…‬

325
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,311
‪改一下用詞‬

326
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,148
‪我當時在當節目嘉賓‬
‪我說：“有誰不討厭吉普賽人？”‬

327
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,066
‪然後…‬

328
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:32,528
‪節目上其他人都附和，但是…‬

329
00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,781
‪後來就被人發現了‬

330
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,033
‪然後他們就來找我‬

331
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,285
‪吉普賽人的總統之類的‬

332
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:42,704
‪發訊息來給我‬

333
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,331
‪她大概是偷了一部手機‬

334
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,916
‪然後發了訊息給我‬

335
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,382
‪會旅遊的人才會懂，所以…‬

336
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,509
‪她發了一個訊息給我‬

337
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:59,555
‪她說我在電視上講了‬
‪吉字開頭的那個字，我還不懂‬

338
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:01,598
‪吉字開頭？‬

339
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:06,562
‪我是個成年人，這是一封電郵‬
‪她簡直就是一個婆字開頭‬

340
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,191
‪我也不想太過分‬
‪讓她變成婊字開頭‬

341
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,111
‪黑字開頭的都在哪？好吧…‬

342
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:15,863
‪拜託啦‬

343
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:19,032
‪這是現代幽默，你們得跟上‬

344
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,118
‪然後她繼續說‬

345
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:25,789
‪她說：“告訴你‬
‪我們以自己的民族為榮”‬

346
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,001
‪我就說：“那很合理‬
‪你們也沒什麼別的了”‬

347
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,046
‪“希望妳擅長露營”‬

348
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,384
‪那是在讚賞她‬

349
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:42,514
‪我是說：“我喜歡你們的民族自豪感‬
‪因為那是你們應得的”‬

350
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,350
‪說實話，我覺得有些民族‬
‪不是那麼應得‬

351
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,103
‪每個族群都說自己最棒，不可能啦‬

352
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,814
‪不可能所有人都最棒‬

353
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:52,733
‪我說真的，每一個族群都是‬

354
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,906
‪不可能，隨便舉個例子‬

355
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:02,618
‪這裡有多少人是義大利人？‬

356
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:03,869
‪好吧‬

357
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:09,750
‪其他人不會覺得‬
‪對他們有點厭倦嗎？‬

358
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,170
‪“我們最棒！義大利麵！”‬

359
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,838
‪夠了啦‬

360
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,425
‪麵條是中國發明的，冷靜點‬

361
00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,303
‪言歸正傳，我當時就一直讀訊息‬

362
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,763
‪一直讀一直讀‬

363
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:28,060
‪不久之前，我在六個星期內‬

364
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:34,775
‪從路易斯安那州收到‬
‪20萬封電郵和訊息‬

365
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:38,528
‪發來投訴我在特輯裡的一個笑話‬

366
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:43,992
‪你們有些人不知道‬
‪我之前在專輯裡講了一個笑話‬

367
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:45,327
‪然後…‬

368
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:46,870
‪沒關係‬

369
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,335
‪只是個很蠢的笑話‬

370
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,921
‪那個笑話基本上就是說…‬

371
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,798
‪“我們確實該建圍牆”‬

372
00:20:57,881 --> 00:21:00,300
‪“但是該把那個笨州圍起來”‬

373
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,802
‪笑話就是這樣‬

374
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:06,181
‪我也是個笨蛋‬
‪我以為所有人都會喜歡這個笑話‬

375
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,140
‪大錯特錯‬

376
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,269
‪被針對的人就不喜歡‬

377
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:15,315
‪我收到很多死亡恐嚇‬
‪拼字全部都亂七八糟的‬

378
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,738
‪我心想：“這是方言嗎？‬
‪他們是想要說什麼？”‬

379
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:29,413
‪超多人問我那個話題，還鬧上新聞‬

380
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,207
‪現在我就主動說了‬

381
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,583
‪事實是這樣‬

382
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:37,045
‪我會那麼狠狠的取笑他們…‬

383
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:40,507
‪是因為我沒去過阿肯色州‬
‪現在去過了‬

384
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,884
‪什麼？‬

385
00:21:46,346 --> 00:21:47,556
‪那個地方…‬

386
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,226
‪實在是太爛了了‬

387
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:55,272
‪路易斯安那州的人沖廁所的時候‬

388
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:57,190
‪肯定是沖到阿肯色州‬

389
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:02,904
‪那裡充滿著破碎夢想和屁眼的氣味‬

390
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:05,324
‪還有一點點烤肉味‬

391
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:07,743
‪有趣的是這裡‬

392
00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:10,287
‪你們大部分人都不會有這種經歷‬

393
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:14,541
‪但是當你冒犯了一大群人‬

394
00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,294
‪例如說一整個州‬

395
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,381
‪你會得到很多關於他們的知識‬

396
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,133
‪那不是你想要的‬

397
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,469
‪但是他們會堅持‬

398
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:30,932
‪所以我現在很精通路易斯安那州‬
‪那真的糟透了‬

399
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:36,146
‪我成為了一個非官方歷史學家‬
‪但是我超不想去那個地方‬

400
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:40,317
‪他們的州訓一直在我腦海裡‬

401
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,071
‪就像道瓊斯最新消息一樣，日夜不斷‬

402
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:48,408
‪“路易斯安那州‬
‪在車裡跟寶寶一起抽煙”‬

403
00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:58,168
‪阿肯色州是：“寶寶用完了沒？”‬

404
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:05,509
‪“你要寶寶幹嘛？”‬
‪“拿來吃啊，還要問？”‬

405
00:23:06,301 --> 00:23:07,844
‪水哦！‬

406
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:08,762
‪然後…‬

407
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:17,813
‪我也接到很多‬
‪唐氏綜合症社群的訊息‬

408
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,567
‪那也很好玩‬

409
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:24,861
‪我說句實話‬

410
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:26,905
‪有唐氏綜合症的人‬

411
00:23:26,988 --> 00:23:31,660
‪寫信比路易斯安那州的人流暢多了‬

412
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,418
‪我們至少能對話‬

413
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:45,632
‪我認為我自那時以來‬
‪成熟了不少，真的‬

414
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:48,510
‪例如說我現在覺得‬

415
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:54,933
‪說別人是智字開頭‬
‪是懶惰而且過時的表現‬

416
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,478
‪智…智能障礙啦‬

417
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,397
‪原因是這樣‬

418
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,733
‪我認為我說那個詞‬
‪意思是說他們是笨蛋‬

419
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,069
‪說他們無能、愚蠢‬

420
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:08,155
‪那個詞其實不貼切‬

421
00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,449
‪最貼切的詞語是“卡郡”‬

422
00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,534
‪所以我以後都會…‬

423
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,202
‪那樣說‬

424
00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:16,288
‪你們全都去死好了‬

425
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,914
‪那才是重點‬

426
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:20,542
‪對‬

427
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:28,049
‪但是我告訴你們，希望你們明白‬

428
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,051
‪我不像某些諧星…‬

429
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:34,347
‪不會說‬
‪“我不明白那些人為什麼會生氣”‬

430
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:39,436
‪那種想法蠢得要死‬

431
00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:41,021
‪我完全明白‬

432
00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:46,401
‪我認為你有權對任何事情感到生氣‬

433
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:49,529
‪也有權去表達你的不滿‬

434
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,281
‪但是我不認為…‬

435
00:24:51,364 --> 00:24:55,368
‪你有權指望別人因而做點什麼‬

436
00:24:56,578 --> 00:24:57,412
‪對‬

437
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:05,086
‪跟任何其他情緒一樣‬

438
00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:08,131
‪例如你說你想打炮、你餓了、倦了‬

439
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:10,342
‪我只會說：“你還真多要求啊”‬

440
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,347
‪看來該打個手槍‬
‪吃個三文治，然後睡覺‬

441
00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:16,890
‪那是你的問題‬

442
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,392
‪我可以替你拉一下，開個頭，但是…‬

443
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:21,269
‪我不會做完‬

444
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:26,441
‪我也認為我應該有權回應‬

445
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,609
‪就是應該那樣子‬

446
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:29,945
‪我說幾句，你說幾句，我說幾句‬

447
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,363
‪然後一直繼續‬

448
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:36,993
‪我會說，我不介意這種易怒文化‬

449
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:38,745
‪真的，對我沒影響‬

450
00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:42,415
‪因為我每天都接觸一些‬
‪情緒脆肉的人‬

451
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:44,876
‪我家有兩個孩子…‬

452
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:47,337
‪他們會把煩惱告訴我‬

453
00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,172
‪真的，然後我會跟他們談‬

454
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,883
‪跟他們談話的方式‬
‪跟你們有點不同‬

455
00:25:51,967 --> 00:25:54,135
‪他們會來找我，大兒子會說…‬

456
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:58,181
‪“那邊…”‬

457
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,101
‪“好吵哦”‬

458
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:04,312
‪我就說：“是嗎？”‬

459
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,607
‪“那就別去那邊”‬

460
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:12,571
‪他就說：“好吧”‬

461
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,073
‪我也說：“好吧”‬

462
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,035
‪然後我在他額頭上親一下‬

463
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,162
‪以後我也會那樣對待…‬

464
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:25,125
‪那些投訴被我的笑話冒犯的人‬

465
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:26,459
‪對‬

466
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,757
‪最棒的部分是，你不用同意‬

467
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,759
‪這個國家最棒就是這裡‬

468
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,178
‪你不用同意，但你知道我的立場‬

469
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,847
‪要是你來跟我說…‬

470
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:44,102
‪“你在惹笑演出裡說的話‬
‪讓我感到很受傷”‬

471
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,439
‪我會說：“是嗎？”‬

472
00:26:47,522 --> 00:26:51,860
‪“你不應該去聽不喜歡的東西‬
‪以後留在家裡吧，親一個”‬

473
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:53,278
‪然後在額頭親一下‬

474
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:03,538
‪話雖如此，但你們有沒有想過自己‬
‪會是一個怎樣的奴隸主？‬

475
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:04,497
‪等一下…‬

476
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:07,626
‪不是現在啦！‬

477
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:12,505
‪假設是1831年，你是白人，住在…‬

478
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,466
‪你現在住的地方‬

479
00:27:19,554 --> 00:27:22,724
‪你們不想玩這個遊戲，那好吧…‬

480
00:27:24,017 --> 00:27:25,060
‪算了，我來玩‬

481
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:29,856
‪我知道我會怎樣‬
‪我現在就很喜歡買車‬

482
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:35,528
‪“我知道我們有三個，但你看他啊！”‬

483
00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:36,529
‪好吧…‬

484
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:40,992
‪要是你不喜歡那個笑話，就別多想‬

485
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:44,746
‪女觀眾們‬

486
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,459
‪你們會覺得自己‬
‪幾乎是平等的公民嗎？‬

487
00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:52,796
‪因為你們不是，但是…‬

488
00:27:55,423 --> 00:27:56,424
‪我是支持妳們的‬

489
00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:01,262
‪我沒說妳們不應該是‬
‪只是說妳們不是，因為我有眼睛‬

490
00:28:02,555 --> 00:28:06,267
‪妳們不是，妳們看不到‬
‪我們這個社會的不平等嗎？‬

491
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:09,813
‪男人跟妳們做相同的工作‬
‪工資比妳們多‬

492
00:28:09,896 --> 00:28:11,314
‪男性得分‬

493
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:15,193
‪女性會因為我們‬
‪在他們夢裡做的事情生氣‬

494
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:16,611
‪女性得分‬

495
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:19,864
‪那不是很過分嗎？‬

496
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:24,369
‪你吃早餐的時候心想‬
‪“她怎麼那樣看我？”‬

497
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:30,625
‪然後她說：“你昨晚在我夢裡很渾蛋”‬

498
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:33,169
‪你一笑置之‬

499
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:36,673
‪“真的？”‬

500
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:40,719
‪“我向妳道歉”‬

501
00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:45,598
‪“為我在妳夢裡做的事情道歉”‬

502
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:48,226
‪她說：“謝謝”，然後你就…‬

503
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:50,645
‪“好，我要走了”‬

504
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:55,066
‪我認為我們社會的權力架構‬
‪是由男性設定的‬

505
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:56,067
‪那很明顯‬

506
00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,862
‪我認為他本來是想要平等‬
‪我真的那樣認為‬

507
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,197
‪我認為他想要設定那天‬

508
00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:05,660
‪他要出門的時候‬
‪他老婆在門口攔住他‬

509
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:09,164
‪“昨晚我夢見你跟一個棕髮妞乳交”‬

510
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:12,250
‪然後他心想：“妳知道嗎？”‬

511
00:29:13,334 --> 00:29:14,169
‪“不了”‬

512
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:17,881
‪“妳得接電話”‬

513
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:20,008
‪“妳就得那樣子”，然後走了‬

514
00:29:20,967 --> 00:29:21,801
‪好吧‬

515
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,181
‪“別準確的取笑我們的文化”，好吧‬

516
00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:31,352
‪真的？‬

517
00:29:31,853 --> 00:29:32,812
‪那也不好笑嗎？‬

518
00:29:32,896 --> 00:29:34,689
‪你不覺得台下有一兩個人‬

519
00:29:34,773 --> 00:29:36,274
‪她們在想：“我確實是接電話的”‬

520
00:29:36,357 --> 00:29:37,567
‪那也不好笑嗎？‬

521
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:42,155
‪然後星期一的時候‬
‪“謝謝您致電…”‬

522
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:44,157
‪“他媽的，那個渾蛋”，對吧？‬

523
00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:51,247
‪有時候你會目睹性別間的不平等‬

524
00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:54,501
‪在你眼前醜陋的出現‬

525
00:29:54,584 --> 00:29:56,669
‪當然，我說的“性別”‬

526
00:29:56,753 --> 00:30:00,882
‪只是兩個，而不是現在那幾百個‬

527
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:05,178
‪我想說清楚我的立場‬

528
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:09,891
‪我不介意對任何人‬
‪使用他們想要的稱呼‬

529
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,935
‪對我沒什麼影響‬

530
00:30:12,018 --> 00:30:14,938
‪你要自我認定是鞋帶，我也不在乎‬

531
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:19,025
‪你要我用什麼代名詞都可以‬

532
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:22,612
‪我會不會覺得有點無稽？‬

533
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:25,657
‪會，但羽毛球也會，那可是奧運項目‬

534
00:30:25,740 --> 00:30:26,741
‪懂嗎？所以…‬

535
00:30:30,703 --> 00:30:34,290
‪是這樣的，幾個月前我在拍電影‬

536
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:37,377
‪有一天我們的拍攝提早結束‬

537
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:38,753
‪當時是下午後段‬

538
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:42,173
‪我離開片場，看到馬路對面有家酒吧‬

539
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:45,927
‪我心想：“我去這個酒吧‬
‪喝一杯，然後回酒店”‬

540
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:47,011
‪很簡單吧？‬

541
00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:51,099
‪我走進門，看到一個女人坐在吧檯‬

542
00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:55,186
‪她的行為，我只能說是很奇怪‬

543
00:30:56,896 --> 00:30:58,898
‪你問我：“那是什麼意思？”‬

544
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:02,193
‪我認為一個人坐在吧檯‬

545
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,821
‪有一系列正常的行為‬

546
00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:07,782
‪看到他們坐著，有時候會這樣‬

547
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,617
‪或者伸手打招呼‬

548
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:10,785
‪有時候甚至是…‬

549
00:31:13,705 --> 00:31:17,000
‪但是這女人坐在吧檯，然後這樣子…‬

550
00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:26,217
‪我心想：“她是在弄巧克力醬嗎‬
‪她是在幹嘛？”‬

551
00:31:27,719 --> 00:31:29,596
‪我發現的時機也太晚‬

552
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:32,724
‪我走過的時候才發現，偶有發生吧？‬

553
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,143
‪你一直走，走過的時候才看到‬

554
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,395
‪心想那很奇怪，然後繼續走‬

555
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,939
‪然後心想：“我得再看一次”‬

556
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,817
‪“我不知道可以怎麼再看”‬

557
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:51,200
‪現在我在正中央‬

558
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:57,624
‪看到一個女人，在下午四點半‬

559
00:31:57,874 --> 00:31:59,918
‪然後她就在那裡…‬

560
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:05,048
‪在那裡剝她的馬鈴薯‬

561
00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:09,385
‪在玩她的鮑魚，你們懂的‬

562
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:12,138
‪你們也許會好奇，她一點都不漂亮‬

563
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,934
‪要是你們想問：“她是不是狠辣？”‬

564
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,769
‪一點都不是‬

565
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:20,980
‪因此我馬上就告狀了‬

566
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:23,942
‪你們懂的‬

567
00:32:25,652 --> 00:32:28,363
‪我去找保安說：“不好意思”‬

568
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:33,076
‪“那邊那個不是模特兒的人”‬

569
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,038
‪“在吧檯自摸”‬

570
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,667
‪然後那個超壯的保安看了就…‬

571
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,048
‪我說：“對啊，你去跟她說啊”‬
‪然後他搖頭‬

572
00:32:50,843 --> 00:32:52,136
‪我說：“不好意思？”‬

573
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,056
‪他說：“我才不要惹那趟渾水”‬

574
00:32:56,599 --> 00:32:58,059
‪大家都不想吧‬

575
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,979
‪有個女人在吧檯自慰‬

576
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:02,647
‪然後他就…‬

577
00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:07,068
‪好像我在強人所難‬

578
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,153
‪他說：“好啦，老天爺”‬

579
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:14,117
‪於是他起來，走過去，半路折返‬

580
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,618
‪然後說：“不行，我做不到”‬

581
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:19,789
‪我就說：“你得做啊”‬

582
00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,041
‪於是他把女侍叫來‬

583
00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:25,086
‪22歲左右，很可愛的女孩‬
‪走過來問我們：“怎麼了？”‬

584
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:27,630
‪他說：“妳去處理”‬

585
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:28,673
‪她就說：“好啊”‬

586
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:33,886
‪她走過去，超有禮貌的‬
‪我覺得那也很糟糕‬

587
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:36,931
‪考慮到當時的情況‬

588
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,892
‪我聽不見她說什麼‬
‪但我能看到她的肢體語言‬

589
00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:41,769
‪她過去說：“妳好”‬

590
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,606
‪“大家都能看到妳哦”‬

591
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:51,404
‪然後說：“停下”‬

592
00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:54,699
‪“停下”‬

593
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:56,617
‪然後說：“妳答應我哦？”‬

594
00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,912
‪然後說：“謝謝”‬

595
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,541
‪然後她走回來說：“她停下了”‬

596
00:34:04,751 --> 00:34:06,836
‪我問：“她是完事了，還是停下了？”‬

597
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,590
‪她說：“她是停下了”‬

598
00:34:10,672 --> 00:34:13,967
‪我就說：“好吧，等一下‬
‪她還能留在這裡？”‬

599
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:15,887
‪她說：“可以啊”‬

600
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:18,222
‪我問：“為什麼？”‬

601
00:34:19,181 --> 00:34:21,016
‪她就說：“因為她停了啊”‬

602
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:24,562
‪我就問她：“不好意思‬
‪如果是我坐在吧檯…”‬

603
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:29,400
‪“一個人在玩棒，也能留下嗎？”‬

604
00:34:29,484 --> 00:34:30,359
‪你懂的，就這樣…‬

605
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:40,911
‪妳會不會過來拍我肩膀說…‬

606
00:34:41,829 --> 00:34:44,998
‪“你能不能把漏水老二塞回褲子裡？”‬

607
00:34:46,208 --> 00:34:49,337
‪“謝謝，你要不要炸雞棒‬
‪或者是雪碧之類的？”‬

608
00:34:50,129 --> 00:34:54,675
‪“妳肯定馬上叫特警隊‬
‪然後他們會游繩進來”‬

609
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:58,471
‪“其中一個會把我的腦袋‬
‪敲碎在吧檯旁邊”‬

610
00:34:58,554 --> 00:35:01,724
‪“然後大家都會慶祝我的屍體被抬走”‬

611
00:35:02,308 --> 00:35:04,393
‪她說：“你說得沒錯”‬

612
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:09,857
‪也許我反應過度了，我不清楚‬

613
00:35:10,733 --> 00:35:11,984
‪我不會再酒吧打手槍‬

614
00:35:13,528 --> 00:35:16,823
‪幾年前，我不會認為有必要說這句話‬

615
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:21,911
‪但是經過最近的醜聞‬
‪我是不會在酒吧打手槍‬

616
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:25,331
‪那也是我沒再看訊息的原因之一‬

617
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,083
‪我常常收到這種訊息…‬

618
00:35:27,166 --> 00:35:28,751
‪“我是你的大粉絲”‬

619
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:31,838
‪“請你不要性侵別人”‬

620
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:34,215
‪“讓我能繼續做你的粉絲”‬

621
00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,846
‪首先，要撐就撐到底‬

622
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:43,141
‪對‬

623
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:51,941
‪我才不要半桶水的粉絲‬

624
00:35:52,024 --> 00:35:52,859
‪第二…‬

625
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:57,321
‪我該怎麼回覆啊？‬
‪“謝謝提醒，兄弟”‬

626
00:35:59,907 --> 00:36:03,077
‪“我剛剛就想去性侵‬
‪但及時看到你的電郵，凱爾”‬

627
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:06,330
‪去你的，凱爾‬

628
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:11,669
‪你不用擔心我，我不會當眾打手槍‬

629
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,588
‪我沒有那種癖好‬

630
00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,464
‪我有別的癖好‬

631
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:17,341
‪現在告訴你‬

632
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,264
‪-你們都在期待吧‬
‪-對！‬

633
00:36:23,347 --> 00:36:24,599
‪-好吧‬
‪-好！‬

634
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:27,018
‪你們要聽我打手槍…‬

635
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,647
‪只需要打電話對我講…‬

636
00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:34,358
‪你要取消我們的晚餐之約‬

637
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:37,987
‪我會馬上開始擼管‬

638
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:42,366
‪我不喜歡交際，我最喜歡那通電話‬

639
00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:44,785
‪我最喜歡那通電話了‬

640
00:36:44,869 --> 00:36:46,954
‪尤其是如果我剛要出門‬

641
00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:49,123
‪我會重複高潮，行嗎？‬

642
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,834
‪我剛要出門的時候…‬

643
00:36:51,918 --> 00:36:53,544
‪心裡在想：“我不想出去見他們”‬

644
00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:56,255
‪然後他們打電話來說要取消‬

645
00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:57,757
‪“繼續說…”‬

646
00:36:59,759 --> 00:37:01,385
‪“為什麼？”‬

647
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,847
‪“我們出車禍了”‬

648
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,890
‪“哦”‬

649
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:09,518
‪“你們沒事吧？”‬

650
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:12,730
‪“沒事，但是不能吃晚餐，好的”‬

651
00:37:15,483 --> 00:37:18,110
‪“收拾乾淨，湯姆”，沒問題‬

652
00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:20,196
‪我是一個爸爸‬

653
00:37:20,905 --> 00:37:21,781
‪然後…‬

654
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:26,994
‪我改變了一點‬

655
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:29,872
‪不算太多，但總得改變一點‬

656
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,750
‪很多人說，有了孩子就會不一樣‬

657
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:35,127
‪我認為應該修改一下‬

658
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:37,505
‪應該說，有了孩子就該不一樣‬

659
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,133
‪要是一個人有了四個孩子‬
‪但是一點都沒改變‬

660
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:43,219
‪那應該是很嚴重的警號‬

661
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:45,805
‪代表他們很不穩定，必須警惕‬

662
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,182
‪這些改變不用驚天動地‬

663
00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,477
‪但是你得思考你的人生‬

664
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:52,895
‪然後作出改變‬

665
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,690
‪我個人的改變讓我很自豪‬

666
00:37:55,773 --> 00:38:00,027
‪我有了孩子後‬
‪發現自己沒時間，沒動力‬

667
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:03,239
‪我得從人生刪減一些東西‬
‪我刪減了什麼呢？‬

668
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,116
‪跟任何人爭執‬

669
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:08,160
‪任何朋友，任何家人，我都不會爭執‬

670
00:38:08,244 --> 00:38:10,746
‪每次開始的時候，我就翻過來‬

671
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:12,290
‪每次我開始爭執的時候‬

672
00:38:12,373 --> 00:38:14,417
‪他們說：“我不同意你的說法”‬

673
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,252
‪我就說：“好吧，我同意你了”‬

674
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:18,546
‪他們會說：“什麼？”‬

675
00:38:18,629 --> 00:38:22,008
‪“你一開口，我就改變主意‬
‪現在我同意你了”‬

676
00:38:22,842 --> 00:38:24,802
‪“我就是那麼不想跟你講話”‬

677
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,389
‪現在我自由了，超棒的，但是…‬

678
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:34,020
‪有些人會不喜歡，例如我媽就不喜歡‬

679
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:36,605
‪她生存就是為了爭執‬

680
00:38:36,689 --> 00:38:38,774
‪有些人就是那樣子‬

681
00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:40,985
‪她的人生就是為了爭端‬

682
00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:44,697
‪她最愛那種針鋒相對‬

683
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:48,326
‪她也愛粉碎別人的夢想‬

684
00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:52,204
‪我最討厭那種人了‬

685
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:53,372
‪你們認識那種人嗎？‬

686
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:58,336
‪就是那種，無論你說‬
‪想要做什麼，嘗試什麼，他們都說…‬

687
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,047
‪“你不行”‬

688
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,549
‪“有你在真的太好了”‬

689
00:39:04,258 --> 00:39:05,801
‪他們的話會纏繞你‬

690
00:39:05,885 --> 00:39:09,138
‪我剛才這樣一提‬
‪肯定讓你們也回憶起來了‬

691
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:11,390
‪他們就是那麼強大，我記得…‬

692
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,976
‪我記得我對她說‬
‪“我要去洛杉磯講獨角喜劇”‬

693
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:15,519
‪很多年前了，我跟她說…‬

694
00:39:15,603 --> 00:39:17,146
‪“我要去洛杉磯講獨角喜劇”‬

695
00:39:17,229 --> 00:39:20,941
‪她的回答是：“你該去郵局”‬

696
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:24,779
‪我當時還太天真了‬

697
00:39:24,862 --> 00:39:27,448
‪我問她：“郵局也有獨角喜劇？”‬

698
00:39:28,115 --> 00:39:29,367
‪她說：“不，是去工作”‬

699
00:39:30,117 --> 00:39:32,495
‪我就說：‬
‪“不是啦，獨角喜劇就是工作”‬

700
00:39:32,578 --> 00:39:34,038
‪她說：“我知道”‬

701
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:37,333
‪然後我問她：‬
‪“我剛跟妳說了我的夢想”‬

702
00:39:37,416 --> 00:39:39,585
‪“然後妳叫我去當郵差？”‬

703
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:41,837
‪她說：“是”‬

704
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:44,340
‪現在我過得還好‬

705
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,384
‪我的收入算是不錯，她也知道‬

706
00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:49,303
‪她肯定知道，每次都跟我要這要那的‬

707
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:51,680
‪我還是能找點樂子‬

708
00:39:51,764 --> 00:39:54,892
‪例如你們知不知道，我幾個禮拜前…‬

709
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:57,061
‪寄了什麼給她當生日禮物？‬

710
00:39:57,144 --> 00:40:00,147
‪一疊他媽的郵票，還有…‬

711
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:04,527
‪我還寫了一張字條‬
‪“我上班拿到的，哈哈”‬

712
00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:06,862
‪那樣子‬

713
00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,454
‪你們別替她難過，我有好好照顧她‬

714
00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:18,457
‪她真是個混蛋，但是…‬

715
00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:21,168
‪是真的‬

716
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:23,963
‪我不喜歡她粉碎別人的夢想‬
‪真的不喜歡‬

717
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,089
‪我是相反‬

718
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:26,841
‪我很愛鼓勵別人的夢想‬

719
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:31,262
‪要是你跟我分享一個‬
‪離奇的主意，我會很喜歡‬

720
00:40:31,345 --> 00:40:35,224
‪我很喜歡一些夢想超瘋狂的人‬

721
00:40:35,307 --> 00:40:37,935
‪現在我說了出去‬
‪肯定有很多人來找我‬

722
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:41,147
‪說要開一家賣靴子的熱狗店‬

723
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,357
‪我會說：“好啊，想想辦法”‬

724
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,863
‪我喜歡，我說真的‬
‪我希望你們能有瘋狂的夢想‬

725
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:50,448
‪真的，我真的想‬

726
00:40:50,531 --> 00:40:53,826
‪我給你們一個忠告‬
‪一個真心的忠告，不是開玩笑‬

727
00:40:53,909 --> 00:40:56,036
‪是我聽過最好的追夢忠告‬

728
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,372
‪希望你們也能套用到‬

729
00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,083
‪這是真的，不騙你們‬

730
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:07,173
‪只要你能接受你的夢想‬
‪也許不會如你所願…‬

731
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:10,718
‪你還是會因為追夢得到滿足‬

732
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,720
‪所以永遠都要追求夢想‬

733
00:41:12,803 --> 00:41:14,805
‪否則活著幹嘛呢？‬

734
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:16,140
‪對‬

735
00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:23,522
‪我繼續講一下這個論點‬

736
00:41:23,606 --> 00:41:28,068
‪我記得兩年前‬
‪我在洛杉磯一家咖啡廳吃午飯‬

737
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:30,321
‪我坐下的時候…‬

738
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:33,532
‪我聽到我朋友說：‬
‪“真不敢相信我會那樣想”‬

739
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:36,076
‪我問她在想什麼，她說沒什麼‬

740
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,120
‪我繼續追問，她就說：“很丟臉的”‬

741
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,371
‪我說：“妳說就對了”‬

742
00:41:39,455 --> 00:41:41,582
‪她說：“我說了，你會取笑我”‬

743
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:43,876
‪我就說：“妳說不說，我都會取笑妳”‬

744
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,504
‪她就說：“是我想保持在心裡的話”‬

745
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:49,507
‪我就說：“妳剛才說想要做‬
‪說出來才能實現啊”‬

746
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:52,510
‪她說不要，我說：‬
‪“要是妳不把話說出宇宙裡”‬

747
00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:54,845
‪“就永遠都不會發生‬
‪妳得說啊，是什麼？”‬

748
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,096
‪她說：“好吧”‬

749
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,891
‪“我想替武當幫的成員口交”‬

750
00:42:06,065 --> 00:42:08,609
‪我馬上就想…‬

751
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,195
‪“我媽會怎麼說？”‬

752
00:42:11,820 --> 00:42:13,989
‪我告訴自己，不要像我媽‬

753
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:16,408
‪這是她的夢想‬

754
00:42:22,039 --> 00:42:23,874
‪於是我跟她四目交投‬

755
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,293
‪對她說：“妳應該試試看”‬

756
00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:31,215
‪“他們人很多啊”‬

757
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,262
‪三個月後…‬

758
00:42:36,929 --> 00:42:38,847
‪她上了他們的巡迴巴士‬

759
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:42,101
‪對他們說了，猜猜怎麼樣？‬

760
00:42:42,184 --> 00:42:44,603
‪他們全都接受了‬

761
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:51,360
‪要是你們不知道…‬

762
00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:54,154
‪武當幫的成員…‬

763
00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,490
‪有九個人‬

764
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:57,616
‪九個‬

765
00:42:58,617 --> 00:42:59,577
‪超多人的‬

766
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:02,288
‪真的超多‬

767
00:43:02,371 --> 00:43:04,582
‪我們能不能停一停‬

768
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,084
‪想想九根老二是多少？‬

769
00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:11,964
‪我無法理解你們怎麼還能坐著‬

770
00:43:13,132 --> 00:43:16,218
‪有些人還不以為然‬
‪你們是在開玩笑嗎？‬

771
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,596
‪那樣還不夠多？‬

772
00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:19,638
‪閉起眼睛‬

773
00:43:21,223 --> 00:43:22,933
‪想象九根老二‬

774
00:43:24,184 --> 00:43:27,563
‪“我的天，到處都是”‬
‪沒錯，因為有九根老二‬

775
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,609
‪我不是要批評她淫蕩‬

776
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:36,196
‪客觀來說，九就是一個大數目啊‬

777
00:43:37,197 --> 00:43:39,992
‪要是我說：“我今天吃了肉桂包”‬

778
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:43,203
‪你問我吃了幾個‬

779
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:45,372
‪然後我說：“九個”‬

780
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,048
‪“你要我送你去急診室嗎？”‬

781
00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:58,218
‪“你的腿明天就得截肢了，走吧”‬

782
00:43:58,969 --> 00:44:00,346
‪九根老二！‬

783
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,264
‪是他媽的開玩笑嗎？‬

784
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:06,101
‪有些人花了15年才到九根‬

785
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,312
‪這個女孩一個星期四就達標了‬

786
00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,569
‪試試想象…‬

787
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:18,614
‪那種體力的消耗‬

788
00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:23,786
‪要替九根老二口交，而且應該不小‬

789
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:31,085
‪大家應該知道，武當幫的人‬
‪跟我看起來不一樣‬

790
00:44:33,629 --> 00:44:36,173
‪那根本是混合健身的水平了‬

791
00:44:37,091 --> 00:44:39,134
‪你以為剝皮跳很難？這個可是…‬

792
00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,263
‪“我做得好嗎？”‬

793
00:44:45,015 --> 00:44:46,558
‪“你喜歡我嗎？”‬

794
00:44:49,228 --> 00:44:53,357
‪你們覺得她吸了幾根才說：‬
‪“我們來休息一下”‬

795
00:44:58,445 --> 00:45:00,114
‪“我到底是在幹嘛？”‬

796
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,535
‪“他們為什麼那麼壞心？”‬

797
00:45:08,247 --> 00:45:09,289
‪“剛才是幾根？”‬

798
00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,708
‪“四根？他媽的！”‬

799
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:14,545
‪“完了嗎？”‬

800
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:16,672
‪然後他們說：“當然沒完！”‬

801
00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:20,426
‪“還有U神、RZA、雷伊‬
‪鬼面和方法人，當然還沒完！”‬

802
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:27,933
‪“但是我的頸好痛”‬

803
00:45:28,016 --> 00:45:31,729
‪他們就說：“妳得保護頸項啊！‬
‪妳沒聽我們的音樂嗎？”‬

804
00:45:38,777 --> 00:45:40,696
‪是的‬

805
00:45:40,779 --> 00:45:44,241
‪那是一流的武當幫口交笑話‬

806
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,786
‪她是個狠角色‬

807
00:45:48,370 --> 00:45:51,165
‪我問過她一次‬
‪要是她能回到那天‬

808
00:45:51,248 --> 00:45:53,959
‪改變她做的任何事情，她會怎樣‬

809
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:57,004
‪她說她會翹掉午餐‬

810
00:46:01,383 --> 00:46:03,469
‪費城女孩，你能怎麼辦？‬

811
00:46:06,138 --> 00:46:07,514
‪我們剛剛在講什麼？‬

812
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:09,266
‪對，是我媽，所以…‬

813
00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:13,771
‪我跟她停止爭執是這樣‬

814
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:17,399
‪希望你們跟父母遇到類似的情況‬

815
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:19,610
‪也能有我這個領悟‬

816
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:22,863
‪情況是這樣，去年年底‬
‪她打電話給我‬

817
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:24,531
‪洛杉磯有火災‬

818
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:26,033
‪她說：“湯米…”‬

819
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:28,410
‪她不是本地人，你們應該知道‬

820
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:31,371
‪“她講話怎麼那麼奇怪？”‬

821
00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:33,957
‪她來自南美‬

822
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,751
‪準確說是來自秘魯‬

823
00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:39,588
‪於是她打給我說：“湯米…”‬

824
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:43,592
‪我說：“怎麼了？”‬
‪她說：“火災，壞嗎？”‬

825
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:44,968
‪我說：“壞”‬

826
00:46:46,678 --> 00:46:49,014
‪平常的都很好，這次是壞的‬

827
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,937
‪她說：“有人死嗎？”‬

828
00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:56,897
‪我說：“在火裡就會死啊”‬

829
00:46:58,524 --> 00:46:59,358
‪“是火災耶”‬

830
00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:02,611
‪她住在佛州，她就說…‬

831
00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:06,073
‪“你那邊又火災，我們這裡有颶風”‬

832
00:47:08,158 --> 00:47:09,910
‪“到處都有人死”‬

833
00:47:10,452 --> 00:47:13,914
‪我說：“妳好像在看新聞‬
‪還有別的消息嗎？”‬

834
00:47:15,415 --> 00:47:17,835
‪她說：“我覺得是有原因的”‬

835
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:20,420
‪我說：“有啊，原因是氣候規律”‬

836
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:22,589
‪她說：“不是…”‬

837
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,468
‪“我覺得是上帝…”‬

838
00:47:26,969 --> 00:47:28,011
‪“給我們的啟示”‬

839
00:47:29,721 --> 00:47:30,722
‪我這樣笑了…‬

840
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:34,142
‪我問她：“什麼啟示？”‬

841
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:37,688
‪“祂應該是在叫我們要做更好的人”‬

842
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:40,440
‪你知道有時候，有人說了一些話‬

843
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:45,362
‪然後你很確定要跟他們爭執嗎？‬

844
00:47:46,321 --> 00:47:48,866
‪他們的話一說出口…‬

845
00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,118
‪你就知道：“我得把你嗆個半死”‬

846
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:57,457
‪我能感覺到我的怒火‬

847
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,252
‪我能聽到自己的辯論‬

848
00:48:00,335 --> 00:48:01,712
‪聽到自己的聲音說…‬

849
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:06,800
‪“妳是說全知全愛、無所不在的上帝”‬

850
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,177
‪“讓人們在火災中燒死”‬

851
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:13,307
‪“讓他們在颶風裡淹死‬
‪只希望我們能多點擁抱？”‬

852
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,560
‪“我一輩子都沒聽過那麼蠢的話”‬

853
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:22,733
‪但是…‬

854
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,944
‪我開口之前，我有了那個領悟‬

855
00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,530
‪我想到：“有什麼意義呢？”‬

856
00:48:28,614 --> 00:48:31,158
‪“我跟這個惡魔婦人爭辯幹嘛呢？”‬

857
00:48:31,241 --> 00:48:32,075
‪懂嗎？‬

858
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:36,038
‪“讓路西法的妹妹贏就對了”‬

859
00:48:37,539 --> 00:48:39,249
‪“反正你不會改變她的想法”‬

860
00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,169
‪所以我人生中第一次，我深呼吸…‬

861
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:44,171
‪然後說：“也對”‬

862
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:47,257
‪“我能理解祂那樣做”‬

863
00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:50,344
‪“希望祂能停止殺害我們”‬

864
00:48:52,554 --> 00:48:54,598
‪她肯定也知道，她說：“什麼？”‬

865
00:48:58,060 --> 00:49:01,104
‪我說：“妳說得有道理”‬
‪她就說：“你怎麼這樣？”‬

866
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:06,693
‪你怎麼…‬
‪意思是：“你怎麼不跟我吵？”‬

867
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:11,323
‪我說：“媽，我不知道，誰在乎啊？‬
‪妳對，我錯，又怎樣？”‬

868
00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:13,617
‪然後她說：“湯米，你知道嗎？”‬

869
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:14,868
‪我問她：“怎樣？”‬

870
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:17,788
‪她說：“我就知道你是個小懦夫”‬

871
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:23,460
‪我說：“什麼？”‬

872
00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:26,922
‪她說：“再見了，婊子”‬
‪然後就掛線了‬

873
00:49:32,552 --> 00:49:33,679
‪那是我媽媽‬

874
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:37,933
‪於是我就向她報復，很好笑‬

875
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:39,893
‪我從來沒有罵她髒話‬

876
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:42,312
‪我說話有時候很瘋狂‬
‪但是我從來沒有…‬

877
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:45,732
‪即使我很生氣，還是不能說‬
‪“妳去死吧！”，說不出口‬

878
00:49:46,233 --> 00:49:50,070
‪就是感覺不對，我比較喜歡打心理戰‬

879
00:49:50,570 --> 00:49:54,116
‪我喜歡知道我能問她一個問題‬

880
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:56,743
‪只要提起這個問題…‬

881
00:49:56,827 --> 00:49:59,788
‪就能讓她的腦海充滿恐怖好幾年‬

882
00:50:00,622 --> 00:50:03,792
‪於是我決定毀掉她的某一天‬

883
00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,043
‪我挑了聖誕節‬

884
00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:06,503
‪所以我是這樣做的‬

885
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:15,846
‪聖誕早上‬
‪我爸媽跟他們五隻狗都在我家‬

886
00:50:15,929 --> 00:50:19,266
‪我媽心情很好‬

887
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:22,894
‪她是一個拉丁裔女性‬
‪那天是聖誕節早上‬

888
00:50:23,729 --> 00:50:26,440
‪你們不能理解那種喜悅‬

889
00:50:26,523 --> 00:50:28,316
‪她邊做飯邊跳舞，這樣…‬

890
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,989
‪“耶穌寶寶今天降臨…”‬

891
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:37,325
‪就是她的拉丁廢話‬

892
00:50:41,455 --> 00:50:42,372
‪我說的是我媽‬

893
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:43,331
‪好了，所以…‬

894
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834
‪我看到她‬

895
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:53,133
‪然後我說：“媽”‬

896
00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,260
‪她轉身說：“是？”‬

897
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,222
‪我能感覺到她身上的喜悅‬

898
00:50:59,306 --> 00:51:01,224
‪心想：“就是現在”‬

899
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:04,895
‪我問她：“媽，妳有沒有想過…”‬

900
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,731
‪“妳得埋葬妳每一隻狗？”‬

901
00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,154
‪她就說：“你怎麼會說那種話？”‬

902
00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:17,199
‪我說：“我不知道”‬

903
00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,453
‪我繼續問：“妳有沒有想過…”‬

904
00:51:21,536 --> 00:51:25,165
‪-“爸爸比妳早死怎麼辦？”‬
‪-我的天！‬

905
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:29,544
‪她就說：“沒有”‬

906
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,255
‪“我沒有想過”‬

907
00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:35,133
‪我就說：“我現在問妳，所以…”‬

908
00:51:35,717 --> 00:51:36,551
‪“妳就好好想想”‬

909
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,305
‪她就說：“我會祈禱”‬

910
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:44,059
‪“希望我們能同一天死”‬

911
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:48,021
‪我就說：“那樣會很方便”‬

912
00:51:48,522 --> 00:51:51,149
‪“籌備喪禮、讀遺囑之類的”‬

913
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:53,610
‪“要是你們能做到，大家都會贊成”‬

914
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,948
‪她就說：“聖誕快樂，湯姆”‬

915
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:02,536
‪我說：“妳也聖誕快樂”‬

916
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:05,539
‪我爸就坐在半米之外‬

917
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,209
‪整段對話，他一句都沒聽見‬

918
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:13,213
‪他就是在爸爸模式，對著天花板發呆‬

919
00:52:13,296 --> 00:52:14,172
‪就像這樣…‬

920
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,846
‪你叫他，他才回過神來‬

921
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:22,430
‪我說：“爸…”‬
‪“怎樣！”‬

922
00:52:23,932 --> 00:52:24,766
‪天哪‬

923
00:52:29,437 --> 00:52:30,772
‪我問他同一個問題‬

924
00:52:30,856 --> 00:52:31,690
‪我問他…‬

925
00:52:31,773 --> 00:52:35,193
‪“你有沒有想過‬
‪媽比你早死會怎樣？”‬

926
00:52:35,277 --> 00:52:37,904
‪他說：“我喜歡金髮巨乳”‬

927
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:46,413
‪“看來你想得很詳細哦”‬

928
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:48,957
‪他說：“每晚都想”‬

929
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:50,458
‪“每晚都在想”‬

930
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:53,628
‪我就說：‘你們的夢也許有點不同’‬

931
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:56,006
‪那個傢伙，我的天‬

932
00:52:56,798 --> 00:52:58,717
‪七十來歲的男人，真是的‬

933
00:53:00,135 --> 00:53:02,762
‪我爸剛好到了人生那個部分‬

934
00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:07,767
‪他說的全都是實話‬
‪但是沒有人會感到安慰‬

935
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:12,731
‪這個星期我打電話給他‬
‪我問他怎麼了‬

936
00:53:12,814 --> 00:53:15,525
‪他說：“我不會介意同性戀者”‬
‪我就說…‬

937
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:18,278
‪“那是好事”‬

938
00:53:19,404 --> 00:53:22,115
‪他說：“他們只是過自己的人生‬
‪我有什麼好生氣的？”‬

939
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:23,700
‪我說：“我不知道”‬

940
00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:31,082
‪然後電話就靜下來了‬
‪我問他：“我們是講完了嗎？”‬

941
00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:36,296
‪他說：“不是，我在思考”‬
‪“哦，聽起來很有趣”‬

942
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:39,341
‪“聽你朝著話筒呼吸”‬

943
00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:44,721
‪然後他說：“你媽和我要去坐遊輪”‬

944
00:53:44,804 --> 00:53:46,389
‪我說：“好啊，玩得開心點”‬

945
00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:48,516
‪然後我問他：“什麼遊輪”‬

946
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,018
‪他說：“嘉年華”‬

947
00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:52,812
‪我問他：“那不是派對遊輪嗎？”‬

948
00:53:53,146 --> 00:53:54,564
‪我爸的回覆…‬

949
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:57,901
‪我以我的孩子發誓‬

950
00:53:58,610 --> 00:53:59,819
‪他說：“兒子…”‬

951
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,571
‪“沒其他方法可以說”‬

952
00:54:02,155 --> 00:54:04,741
‪“我喜歡看黑人找樂子”‬

953
00:54:11,039 --> 00:54:11,873
‪什麼？‬

954
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:17,671
‪大家都喜歡啊，但你怎麼能說出口？‬

955
00:54:18,713 --> 00:54:19,965
‪太瘋狂了‬

956
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:26,680
‪你們能不能想象‬
‪我爸站在嘉年華郵輪的甲板上…‬

957
00:54:32,018 --> 00:54:35,105
‪“那些黑人好像很盡興‬
‪我們去吃東西，這很好玩”‬

958
00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,111
‪好吧，我們來說認真的‬

959
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:45,156
‪各位，我認為是時候了‬

960
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:48,451
‪我們得善待環境‬

961
00:54:48,952 --> 00:54:50,495
‪對啊‬

962
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:52,414
‪絕對是‬

963
00:54:52,998 --> 00:54:57,669
‪我認為那是窮人的責任，原因是這樣‬

964
00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:00,547
‪你們已經翻我的垃圾‬

965
00:55:00,630 --> 00:55:02,924
‪能不能幫忙把玻璃和塑膠分類？‬

966
00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:06,177
‪對啊‬

967
00:55:07,095 --> 00:55:09,556
‪這邊好像有些窮人‬

968
00:55:10,515 --> 00:55:12,642
‪真的太噁心了‬

969
00:55:15,103 --> 00:55:16,563
‪我確信一件事‬

970
00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:19,190
‪窮人很愛聖經‬

971
00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:25,155
‪他們會愛聖經‬
‪是因為只有聖經能免費拿‬

972
00:55:28,992 --> 00:55:30,702
‪試試免費拿別的書‬

973
00:55:31,202 --> 00:55:32,871
‪成功的話告訴我‬

974
00:55:33,747 --> 00:55:36,374
‪你能不能想象一個人蠢得<i>&lrm;…</i>‬

975
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:45,008
‪會相信迷信‬

976
00:55:48,261 --> 00:55:51,348
‪想象一個人要有多蠢‬

977
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:56,561
‪個人來說，我非常鄙視一切迷信‬

978
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:58,396
‪還有所有迷信的人‬

979
00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,481
‪全部都很討厭‬

980
00:55:59,564 --> 00:56:02,400
‪我討厭坐車的時候，同行的人說…‬

981
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:04,694
‪“我們要過橋了”‬

982
00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:14,621
‪“我要下車了，衷心希望你掉到橋下”‬

983
00:56:15,914 --> 00:56:18,666
‪他們都蠢死了，“現在是11點11分”‬

984
00:56:21,503 --> 00:56:22,420
‪“快許願”‬

985
00:56:22,504 --> 00:56:26,174
‪“我的願望是你能喝一杯‬
‪氰化物和碎石的奶昔”‬

986
00:56:26,257 --> 00:56:27,217
‪“那是我的願望”‬

987
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:31,262
‪全部都應該讓人生氣‬

988
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,391
‪但是有一種，實在不能容忍，真的‬

989
00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:40,271
‪我無法相信我們住在‬
‪一個這麼富裕的發達國家‬

990
00:56:40,355 --> 00:56:43,233
‪而我們集體的接受…‬

991
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:48,988
‪酒店、甚至某些辦公大樓‬
‪可以直接沒有13樓‬

992
00:56:49,072 --> 00:56:50,990
‪你們明不明白‬

993
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:54,661
‪我們放棄了連串的號碼‬

994
00:56:54,744 --> 00:56:55,787
‪只因為有些人覺得…‬

995
00:56:59,749 --> 00:57:02,877
‪你可以去一家高級酒店‬
‪他媽的四季酒店‬

996
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:05,797
‪12樓後就是14樓‬

997
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:08,842
‪你問他們：“怎麼沒有13樓？”‬

998
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:10,844
‪“那個是嚇人的數字”‬

999
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:17,559
‪“有的話，裡面會有鬼怪之類的”‬

1000
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,356
‪“所以我們拿掉了”‬

1001
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:25,650
‪“現在就不怕了”‬

1002
00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:28,903
‪你就問：“你是他媽的卡郡嗎？”‬

1003
00:57:28,987 --> 00:57:31,072
‪“真的要那樣子？”‬

1004
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,367
‪我不懂‬

1005
00:57:35,285 --> 00:57:36,119
‪對‬

1006
00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:39,581
‪你們喜歡那個，但是剛才聖經…‬

1007
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:44,002
‪那個就退縮了‬

1008
00:57:50,091 --> 00:57:51,551
‪“每個表演他都會聽”‬

1009
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,098
‪沒關係，我在表演前跟祂談過‬

1010
00:57:57,182 --> 00:57:59,350
‪祂說那個角度不錯‬

1011
00:58:05,064 --> 00:58:08,234
‪我不是說你相信宗教就是蠢‬

1012
00:58:08,318 --> 00:58:09,194
‪那樣說不公平‬

1013
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:11,905
‪要是宗教能讓你安心‬
‪我認為那很不錯‬

1014
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,865
‪我不會因此說你蠢‬

1015
00:58:13,948 --> 00:58:17,160
‪但要是你會看星座，那就是蠢‬

1016
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:18,536
‪然後…‬

1017
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:25,502
‪你把人生的決定建基於…‬

1018
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,340
‪行星的動向‬

1019
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:35,136
‪我不知道你們有沒有‬
‪跟這些廢物交流過‬

1020
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:38,181
‪他們通常會分享他們的智慧‬

1021
00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,017
‪“你得試試看，你是雙魚座”‬

1022
00:58:44,270 --> 00:58:45,355
‪謝謝了，教授‬

1023
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:50,527
‪那種人也會覺得‬
‪跟別人同一天生日是奇跡‬

1024
00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:52,695
‪好像那有什麼稀奇的‬

1025
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,949
‪然後你就得解釋‬
‪那不是什麼罕有事件‬

1026
00:58:56,032 --> 00:58:58,201
‪“人的數量有很多”‬

1027
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:01,913
‪“日期的選擇不多，當然會重複”‬

1028
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:03,498
‪那些人…‬

1029
00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:09,629
‪但是有些人會讓我馬上想殺人‬

1030
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:14,759
‪有些人會因為生日相近很興奮‬

1031
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:18,972
‪因此而大驚小怪的‬

1032
00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,891
‪我住酒店的時候‬
‪大概每個月都會有一次‬

1033
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:23,393
‪我在酒店登記‬

1034
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,645
‪職員看我的證件，然後說…‬

1035
00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:29,315
‪“你是4月16？”‬

1036
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:30,900
‪“我是4月3號”‬

1037
00:59:37,031 --> 00:59:40,660
‪我就說：“等一下！”‬

1038
00:59:43,037 --> 00:59:44,289
‪“你是說…”‬

1039
00:59:45,665 --> 00:59:47,041
‪“我出生前…”‬

1040
00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:49,335
‪“兩個星期…”‬

1041
00:59:50,378 --> 00:59:51,337
‪“你也出生了？”‬

1042
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:10,440
‪“褲子裡有布丁了”‬

1043
01:00:13,234 --> 01:00:14,819
‪褲子裡有布丁？‬

1044
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:17,739
‪好噁心‬

1045
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:21,409
‪我記得說這句話的女孩，當時是…‬

1046
01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:24,329
‪2002年‬

1047
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:27,165
‪你們很多人不會喜歡‬

1048
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:34,172
‪那一年，俄亥俄州大學贏了‬
‪全國美式足球的冠軍‬

1049
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:41,387
‪幾乎好像有些人‬
‪把足球比聖經看得更重‬

1050
01:00:41,471 --> 01:00:42,388
‪無論如何…‬

1051
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,227
‪我知道‬

1052
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,188
‪歷史很討厭‬

1053
01:00:51,272 --> 01:00:52,398
‪我跟這個女孩一起‬

1054
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:54,359
‪我在球賽隔天結識她‬

1055
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,320
‪她是來自俄亥俄州哥倫布市‬
‪那家大學就在那裡‬

1056
01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,530
‪我湊巧提到那個話題‬

1057
01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:03,576
‪“妳是哥倫布來的？‬
‪你們剛贏了冠軍，興奮嗎？”‬

1058
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,914
‪她說：“興奮？我褲子裡都有布丁了”‬

1059
01:01:09,207 --> 01:01:10,375
‪我馬上就…‬

1060
01:01:13,628 --> 01:01:16,255
‪然後我就幹了她‬

1061
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:19,592
‪她是個髒女孩‬

1062
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,761
‪而且她沒說謊‬

1063
01:01:21,844 --> 01:01:24,472
‪真的好像布丁，得挖出來‬

1064
01:01:25,556 --> 01:01:26,766
‪扔到後面‬

1065
01:01:28,643 --> 01:01:30,770
‪你們覺得寇司比還會吃布丁嗎？‬

1066
01:01:34,315 --> 01:01:40,947
‪我常常會想‬
‪他在獄中還有幽默感嗎？‬

1067
01:01:41,030 --> 01:01:44,784
‪他去洗澡的時候‬
‪會不會取消其他犯人？‬

1068
01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:49,247
‪他會不會說‬
‪“別把布丁條塞進我的葡萄蛋糕”‬

1069
01:01:55,294 --> 01:01:56,129
‪那樣子？‬

1070
01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:03,219
‪然後他們都說：“比爾真的瘋子”‬

1071
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:05,388
‪“給我一根香煙，比爾！”‬

1072
01:02:05,471 --> 01:02:06,347
‪好了…‬

1073
01:02:10,393 --> 01:02:11,602
‪你們知道我喜歡你們‬

1074
01:02:13,104 --> 01:02:14,105
‪知道為什麼嗎？‬

1075
01:02:14,188 --> 01:02:16,858
‪因為我說了一個我人生的性愛故事‬

1076
01:02:16,941 --> 01:02:18,901
‪每次有那種情況‬

1077
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:22,363
‪有人跟你說那種人生故事‬

1078
01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:25,324
‪都是因為他們喜歡你‬
‪想要得到你的認同‬

1079
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,410
‪絕對是啊‬

1080
01:02:28,619 --> 01:02:30,455
‪有誰會講最棒的故事？‬

1081
01:02:30,538 --> 01:02:32,790
‪肯定是剛進入你人生不久的人‬

1082
01:02:32,874 --> 01:02:35,585
‪為什麼？以為他們要全力以赴‬

1083
01:02:35,668 --> 01:02:37,170
‪他們要討好你‬

1084
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:40,590
‪有誰講的故事最爛？你的摯友‬

1085
01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,844
‪他們知道你跑不掉，你的摯友會說…‬

1086
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:47,388
‪“我幹了我老婆”‬
‪然後你會說：“閉嘴”‬

1087
01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,851
‪“我們要吃飯了‬
‪我認識她，你給我閉嘴”‬

1088
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,353
‪他們會說：“那個故事很棒”‬

1089
01:02:54,437 --> 01:02:56,731
‪“好吧，怎樣？”‬
‪“她本來不想做愛”‬

1090
01:02:58,566 --> 01:03:00,985
‪“但是我一直死纏爛打”‬

1091
01:03:02,153 --> 01:03:03,696
‪“最後她就放棄了”‬

1092
01:03:04,614 --> 01:03:06,032
‪“基本上是躺著沒動”‬

1093
01:03:06,115 --> 01:03:08,785
‪“你是強姦殺人犯嗎？‬
‪那個故事糟透了”‬

1094
01:03:10,745 --> 01:03:12,872
‪我來說一個很有趣的故事‬

1095
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:17,627
‪很多年前，我剛搬來洛杉磯的時候‬
‪在酒吧認識了一個女孩‬

1096
01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:19,253
‪她帶我回她家‬

1097
01:03:19,337 --> 01:03:22,089
‪我們開始胡混，我簽了同意書‬

1098
01:03:23,549 --> 01:03:24,884
‪我們開始胡混‬

1099
01:03:24,967 --> 01:03:27,762
‪我們在做的時候，她伸手到後面…‬

1100
01:03:27,845 --> 01:03:29,889
‪把手指插進我裡面，然後我就…‬

1101
01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:32,683
‪她就這樣…‬

1102
01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:36,813
‪然後我就說：“棒哦”‬

1103
01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:42,235
‪就這樣，故事結束了‬

1104
01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:47,156
‪勇敢去追夢‬

1105
01:03:48,741 --> 01:03:49,659
‪我是說真的‬

1106
01:03:49,742 --> 01:03:52,495
‪我知道很老套‬
‪我也不想說俗話，只是…‬

1107
01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:53,996
‪我會常常想，是有原因的‬

1108
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:57,083
‪我遇見的人很多，比你們多很多‬

1109
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:00,127
‪差得遠了‬

1110
01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,297
‪人們通常會對我說好話‬

1111
01:04:03,381 --> 01:04:05,633
‪他們會說：“謝謝你來，我很盡興”‬

1112
01:04:05,716 --> 01:04:09,595
‪話題當然會轉‬
‪我會問他們：“你是做什麼的？”‬

1113
01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:11,639
‪你們知道大多數的答案是怎樣嗎？‬

1114
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:14,058
‪“超爛的，我討厭死了”‬

1115
01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:16,352
‪我就說：“那你為什麼不幹別的？”‬

1116
01:04:16,435 --> 01:04:19,689
‪他們會說：“太晚了，我的人生完了‬
‪很高興認識你”，然後走掉‬

1117
01:04:20,314 --> 01:04:21,858
‪對，我忘不了‬

1118
01:04:22,441 --> 01:04:23,442
‪所以我會一直想‬

1119
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:26,863
‪但是我有忠告，希望你們能記住‬

1120
01:04:26,946 --> 01:04:30,157
‪你們只需要精通一件事‬

1121
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,075
‪只需要一件事‬

1122
01:04:31,158 --> 01:04:34,412
‪你們要學會控制期望‬

1123
01:04:34,495 --> 01:04:37,290
‪那不是與生俱來，是一種技能‬

1124
01:04:37,373 --> 01:04:39,542
‪一直練習，就會熟練‬

1125
01:04:39,625 --> 01:04:43,254
‪只要能管理期望，就能覺得滿足‬

1126
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:45,923
‪沒那麼抑鬱，整體變得高興‬

1127
01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:49,218
‪我跟你們分享一下‬
‪我人生最大的失望‬

1128
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,345
‪現在回想是我自己的錯‬

1129
01:04:51,429 --> 01:04:53,389
‪我當時不知道，現在知道‬

1130
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:56,267
‪我要告訴你們‬
‪有些人會因此不高興‬

1131
01:04:56,851 --> 01:05:00,354
‪但希望我們能從中學習‬

1132
01:05:01,397 --> 01:05:02,857
‪要說了哦‬

1133
01:05:03,190 --> 01:05:07,945
‪我覺得69名過於實，其實很爛‬

1134
01:05:10,656 --> 01:05:11,616
‪對‬

1135
01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:13,159
‪看到吧？有些人鼓掌‬

1136
01:05:13,242 --> 01:05:15,620
‪有些人要把我逮捕，但聽著‬

1137
01:05:16,913 --> 01:05:19,123
‪原因比較重要‬

1138
01:05:19,206 --> 01:05:21,334
‪你們記得第一次聽說69嗎？我記得‬

1139
01:05:21,417 --> 01:05:24,170
‪當時我是三年級，太年輕了‬

1140
01:05:25,338 --> 01:05:27,632
‪有一個高年級生說了‬
‪然後我整個呆了‬

1141
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:30,676
‪“同時嗎？”‬

1142
01:05:32,178 --> 01:05:34,597
‪我幾乎暈倒了，我無法理解‬

1143
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:38,184
‪我根本沒有基準去假裝聽懂‬

1144
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:41,187
‪“就像是吃一個蓋滿雪糕的漢堡”‬

1145
01:05:41,270 --> 01:05:43,022
‪“然後邊拉屎之類的”‬

1146
01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:47,401
‪然後他說：“正是那樣子”‬

1147
01:05:48,903 --> 01:05:50,363
‪從那天起，我就著迷了‬

1148
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:54,408
‪我說著迷，是真的著迷了‬

1149
01:05:54,492 --> 01:05:56,202
‪不是故事的效果‬

1150
01:05:56,285 --> 01:05:58,913
‪我整天說的、想的、做夢的…‬

1151
01:05:58,996 --> 01:06:01,499
‪唱歌的、說笑的，都是69‬

1152
01:06:01,582 --> 01:06:04,377
‪學校所有的筆記本，都寫滿69‬

1153
01:06:04,877 --> 01:06:07,630
‪參加任何體育隊伍‬
‪“我是69號！”‬

1154
01:06:09,006 --> 01:06:10,883
‪“這是五年級籃球”‬

1155
01:06:10,967 --> 01:06:12,426
‪“你可不可以冷靜一點”‬

1156
01:06:13,928 --> 01:06:16,180
‪每次生日，聖誕‬
‪我爸會問我想要什麼禮物‬

1157
01:06:16,263 --> 01:06:19,684
‪我會說：“我要69”‬
‪他就說：“閉嘴，別再說那個”‬

1158
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:22,144
‪我死都不要‬

1159
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:26,107
‪“69，肯定很棒，最棒了，69”‬

1160
01:06:26,190 --> 01:06:28,859
‪肯定好像從上帝的老二抽冰毒‬

1161
01:06:30,903 --> 01:06:33,531
‪我一直堆砌…‬

1162
01:06:33,614 --> 01:06:36,492
‪然後終於做到的時候…‬

1163
01:06:36,575 --> 01:06:38,160
‪你知道我說什麼嗎？‬

1164
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,704
‪“從我身上下來，好嗎？”‬

1165
01:06:40,955 --> 01:06:41,998
‪“我的頸好痛”‬

1166
01:06:42,498 --> 01:06:44,417
‪“我的鼻子很礙事”‬

1167
01:06:45,918 --> 01:06:47,837
‪“舒服嗎？好像在工作”‬

1168
01:06:47,920 --> 01:06:51,340
‪“好吧，你翻過身來，讓我完事”‬

1169
01:06:51,424 --> 01:06:52,675
‪“然後我替妳完成”‬

1170
01:06:52,758 --> 01:06:55,428
‪為什麼要同時？‬

1171
01:06:55,636 --> 01:06:57,304
‪是在趕時間嗎？‬

1172
01:07:04,353 --> 01:07:07,940
‪是牧師很快回來嗎？‬

1173
01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:13,362
‪輪流來啊，幼稚園生都會‬

1174
01:07:14,447 --> 01:07:17,199
‪有什麼瘋子會成人69啊？‬

1175
01:07:17,283 --> 01:07:18,492
‪如果你是男人‬

1176
01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,911
‪希望你至少是個紳士‬

1177
01:07:20,995 --> 01:07:22,371
‪是你躺在背上‬

1178
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:26,500
‪不是那種變態‬

1179
01:07:28,627 --> 01:07:31,005
‪說：“我喜歡這個角度”‬

1180
01:07:32,256 --> 01:07:35,468
‪然後聽到下面的人在掙扎‬

1181
01:07:40,431 --> 01:07:42,433
‪“那樣才舒服”‬

1182
01:07:42,516 --> 01:07:44,143
‪那樣當然舒服了‬

1183
01:07:44,852 --> 01:07:47,938
‪你把老二塞進那個可憐女孩的喉嚨‬

1184
01:07:48,439 --> 01:07:52,276
‪我認為那種畫面最恐怖了‬

1185
01:07:53,319 --> 01:07:56,197
‪一個漂亮的女性…‬

1186
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,325
‪想象你媽躺在背上…‬

1187
01:08:00,826 --> 01:08:04,622
‪從下期待69的畫面‬

1188
01:08:05,456 --> 01:08:07,500
‪“什麼東西？”‬

1189
01:08:08,542 --> 01:08:10,503
‪她一臉驚悚的表情‬

1190
01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:13,506
‪“搜救隊會找到我嗎？”‬

1191
01:08:14,423 --> 01:08:17,093
‪然後一個噁心的男人…‬

1192
01:08:19,136 --> 01:08:21,889
‪就像我，就說：‬
‪“準備好，要來了”‬

1193
01:08:23,849 --> 01:08:25,975
‪屁股還黏著糞粒，布碎‬

1194
01:08:26,935 --> 01:08:28,354
‪然後你媽就在這裡‬

1195
01:08:31,232 --> 01:08:34,693
‪我那樣做的時候‬
‪就會聽到，“我額頭上的是什麼？”‬

1196
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:38,113
‪“那是我的肚子”‬

1197
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:42,493
‪“那是爸爸濕漉漉的垃圾袋肚子”‬

1198
01:08:43,577 --> 01:08:45,996
‪奧斯丁的觀眾，你們很棒‬
‪謝謝你們今天前來‬

1199
01:08:46,080 --> 01:08:47,413
‪我非常感激‬

1200
01:08:48,415 --> 01:08:50,792
‪下次再見，晚安‬

1201
01:09:51,060 --> 01:09:53,606
‪（此特輯獻給費佛，願你安息）‬

1202
01:09:53,689 --> 01:09:56,483
‪字幕翻譯：Ivan Wong‬