WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering, applauding]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[whistling]

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-[whooping]
-How you doing?

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No shit.

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Thank you, thank you.

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How you guys doing? All right.

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Thank you very much.
It's great to be in Austin, Texas.

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-Um...
-[crowd cheers]

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Yeah.

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When I do the road,
I leave a wife and two small kids,

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and, uh, she's...
she's pretty attached, you know.

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-Um...
-[crowd laughing]

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She cries when I leave.

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[laughs] Like...

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[crowd laughing]

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...all the time.

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Yeah, she does.

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I leave, and she's like... [tearfully]
"It's gonna be hard when you're gone."

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And then I have to do, like,
an acting exercise, and I'm like...

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[tearfully] "It's gonna be hard
for me, too." You know?

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It's not hard. [laughs]

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It's fun.

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I just did it backstage on the phone,
like five minutes ago.

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She's like...
[tearfully] "I'm all alone at the house."

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And I was like... [tearfully]
"I'm all alone out here." You know?

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No, I'm not.

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Yeah.

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She's great. She's great. I love her.
I love the kids more, but I do love her.

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Well, it's a different love, you know?

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Like, I don't want to fuck the kids.
So there's a start.

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"That's good, Tom." So...

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It is beyond your capacity to explain
how much you end up loving your kids.

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It is.
And, like, now I'm on that side of it,

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so I get to be amused
by people who don't have kids

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who swear that they get it.

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That's my favorite.

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Like, to hang out with a friend
who doesn't have any kids, and he's like,

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"Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids.

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I totally know what you're feeling
because...

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I love my dog."

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And I'm like, "Yeah."

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No.

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I'm not diminishing pet love.

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Pet love is real.

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-[woman] Yes!
-Absolutely.

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I've had pets my entire life.
It's the best.

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I've rescued animals.
I encourage you to do it.

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I have a dog that I adore.

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But here is the difference
between my love for that dog and my kids.

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If that dog were to hurt one of my kids,

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immediately and without question...

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I would drown that dog, right?

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And I mean, through yelps like...
[yelping]

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I'd go... [grunts] Like that.

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And then I would give it to my son.

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I'd be like, "Remember when that hurt you?
I killed it."

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He'd be like, "What the fuck...

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am I supposed to do with this dead dog?"

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And I'd go, "I don't know.
Maybe learn to stand up for yourself

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so I don't have to do shit like that,
all right?"

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I know.

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It's a very divisive joke. It has been...

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the entire tour. Um...

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I think it sets up the audience
into two camps, you know?

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People who are like, "Don't do the yelp."

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[yelps]

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"It makes it real."

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Then other people who are like,

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"Do the yelp.
That's my favorite shit, man." And...

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you know who you are.

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Yeah.

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Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit.

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I'm not even proud of some
of the things I've done, all right?

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Last year was the first time
I ever had somebody bully one of my kids.

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I didn't respond well.

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This is what...
I took my older son to a park.

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He was two and a half.

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The cutest little fucking kid.

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And he walks into the park,
and he walks up to a playground set.

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And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it,
and an older kid...

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Meaning four.

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He goes,
"You can't play with that. That's mine."

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And I go,
"I'll kick your chest through your back."

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And he goes, "What?"

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And I go, "I'll stomp you out right now!"

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So he's crying. I'm laughing.

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Everybody's gathered around, right?

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You can't do that.

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You can't do anything to a shitty kid.

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You can curse a lot around them.

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Not to them.
That's an important distinction.

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Around them,

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and then you fantasize
about them repeating it at home

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and getting in trouble,
and that's very satisfying, all right?

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But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it,
or they won't remember,

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'cause they're just dumb fucking kids.

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So you've got to be like,

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♪<i> Shit, piss, motherfucker</i>
<i>Cunt, my balls</i> ♪

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♪ <i>Lick my dick, eat my ass </i>♪

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And the kid'll be like...

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"What's that?"

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I'd be like, "Go tell your mom.
That's what that is."

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As they walk by,
you can get in one accidental hit.

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I've tried it, but it's got to...

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As they're passing, you know.

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Like that, and then they'll be like...

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[tearfully] ♪ <i>Shit, piss</i>
<i>Motherfucker, cunt, my... </i>♪

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You ever meet somebody,

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and they're so boring,
you feel like they poisoned you? Like...

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you're talking to them, and you're like,
"I feel like I'm dying right now.

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And I think you did it."

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This guy's name is Craig.
I met him... [laughs]

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I made sure to get it.

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I was like, "I'm gonna remember you
for the rest of my life, man."

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He-- I met him at the bank.

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Is he a bank teller?

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No.

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Is he a security guard?

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Nope.

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What's his job?

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I don't know. Whatever they call that guy
that stands in the lobby...

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of banks now. Where you walk in,
and you're like, "Do you work here?"

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And he's like, "I think so." That guy.

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The lobby liaison.

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Well, I saw him. We made eye contact.

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I don't know how you work.
For me, if we make eye contact...

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During the day. Not at night.

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But during the day...

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[laughs]

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...out of human decency,
I acknowledge you.

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So that's what I did.

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We made eye contact, and I go,
"How you doing?" And he went...

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And I was like, "Okay, so..."

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Then I get to the second set of doors
to walk in.

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And, as I reach for that door,
I hear, uh, "You going to the bank?"

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I go, "Is this still a bank?"

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He goes, "Yeah."

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I go, "I'd like to."

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And he goes, "Go for it."

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And I was like...

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"Okay.

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Thanks."

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And then I reach back...

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and he goes,
"I'm going to Virginia next week."

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"Are you telling me that?"

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He goes, "You said, 'How you doing?'
when you got here.

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I had to think about it.

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That's what I'm doing."

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I go, "That's the craziest shit
I've ever heard anybody say.

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And also not how that question works,
but all right."

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And now I reach back, and now he goes,

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"Yeah, my sister lives there,"
and I'm like...

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"How long has she lived there?"

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Now I'm roped in.

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He goes, "Fifteen years."

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And I go, "You've never been?"
And he goes, "Uh-uh."

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Now I'm starting to look at him like,
"Hey, man, do you drive to work or...

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does somebody drop you off?"
You know what I mean?

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I think he... [laughs]

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Yeah.

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I think he could see it in my face...

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because, out of nowhere,
he goes, "I drive."

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I was like, "That's cool, man.
That's cool.

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I drive, too. That's crazy. Uh...

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I gotta get in here."

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He goes, "Yeah, we're gonna check out DC,
and we're gonna see some monuments."

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I go, "I would love to hear about it,
but I have to make a deposit."

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He goes, "I'll be here when you walk out."
I go, "You motherfucker."

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Fuck that guy.

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And fuck everybody like him.

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If you have the audacity
to tell people how you're doing

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when they say, "How you doing?"

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that shit is rude and selfish, all right?

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I'm serious.

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There are two acceptable answers
to "How you doing?"

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"Fine" and "great."

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And if you're miserable, you say, "Fine."

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You don't burden people
with your real-world problems

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during a courteous exchange.

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Yeah.

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It's true.

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You know why?

185
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Because nobody
wants to hear your problems.

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Your problems make my dick soft,

187
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and I am trying to stay hard out here.

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Now...

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You know who's got a good system going on?

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Rodrigo Duterte,
the president of the Philippines.

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[laughs] Yeah, well, if you're not aware,

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the president of the Philippines
is a super cool guy, and...

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he has a lot of fun ideas. [laughs]

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One of them is that he employs
motorcycle murder squads...

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to go out and kill people on sight.

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No arrest, no trial.

197
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Who does he do it to?

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Drug dealers and suspected drug users.

199
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"Suspected."

200
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Do you know how many tired people die
every day in Manila?

201
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Isn't that crazy to you?

202
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You can walk out of your house
at five in the morning, like, "Oh, shit."

203
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And then you hear... [revving]
You're like, "Oh.

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I'm up!"

205
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They roll up next to you, "You high?"
You're like, "I just got up."

206
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They're like, "Mm, you're high."
Pow. Kill you.

207
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It's horrific.

208
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It's reprehensible.

209
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And I hope that we adopt it here.

210
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Not...

211
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Not for drug usage, obviously.

212
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I think we should reserve it for people
who have public speakerphone conversations

213
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with their phones in front of their face
like this.

214
00:11:01.869 --> 00:11:04.038
-[crowd cheering]
-You know? Yeah.

215
00:11:06.374 --> 00:11:10.711
Who are these people just walking around,
oblivious to the world around them?

216
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You're waiting in line to buy a coffee,

217
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you have to hear a fascinating,
two-way tale amplified.

218
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It's always like... [in distorted voice]
"Where were you last night? [gibbering]

219
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[continues gibbering]

220
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[retches]
Slice their fucking throat, right in line.

221
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Kick the the body.
"Can I have a coffee?" So...

222
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Too violent? I get it. So...

223
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You know whose balls
I'd love to slam in a mailbox...

224
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for 20 minutes straight?

225
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Grown men who board 6:00 a.m. flights
who have never seen clouds before.

226
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I don't know...

227
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if...

228
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you've ever had the good fortune
of boarding an early morning flight

229
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where there's an unspoken agreement,
"We're gonna keep it nice and dark

230
00:12:04.306 --> 00:12:06.767
so we can rest along the journey."

231
00:12:06.851 --> 00:12:10.187
But there's always some TikTok in 16C...

232
00:12:10.271 --> 00:12:11.731
[crowd cheering]

233
00:12:12.565 --> 00:12:13.399
Yeah.

234
00:12:15.443 --> 00:12:19.780
One guy who's sitting there, who's like,
"I've never seen a cloud like that.

235
00:12:27.496 --> 00:12:29.540
Oh! There's another one right there."

236
00:12:31.584 --> 00:12:33.085
"Are you fucking four?

237
00:12:34.420 --> 00:12:37.256
Shut the shade, tit-slap.
We're trying to get some rest."

238
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And people who put stick figures
and the names of their family members

239
00:12:43.387 --> 00:12:45.848
on the rear windshields of their car.

240
00:12:49.518 --> 00:12:52.605
They should be publicly executed...

241
00:12:53.773 --> 00:12:56.650
in their car so we can keep score
on the window, you know.

242
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Isn't that insane to you?

243
00:13:01.363 --> 00:13:03.824
Don't you have any protective instincts?

244
00:13:03.908 --> 00:13:06.660
I mean, it's crazy.
You pull up at a random red light,

245
00:13:06.744 --> 00:13:10.623
and the car in front of you is like,
"It's funny that you didn't ask, but...

246
00:13:12.708 --> 00:13:15.669
inside are Mommy and Daddy...

247
00:13:17.296 --> 00:13:19.006
and Brian and Marissa.

248
00:13:20.549 --> 00:13:22.676
And there's a soccer ball next to Brian...

249
00:13:23.969 --> 00:13:25.805
because Brian loves soccer."

250
00:13:27.598 --> 00:13:28.474
Oh.

251
00:13:29.225 --> 00:13:31.852
Does Brian love getting molested?
Because...

252
00:13:34.021 --> 00:13:39.443
you put his name and favorite thing
out there as bait to society.

253
00:13:39.527 --> 00:13:42.238
Are you out of your goddamn mind?

254
00:13:43.739 --> 00:13:46.951
Why don't you put your home address
and his daily schedule

255
00:13:47.034 --> 00:13:48.285
right fucking next to it?

256
00:13:48.911 --> 00:13:52.915
"Brian's up at six, home at one,
bath at seven. [giggles]

257
00:13:54.333 --> 00:13:56.210
Come over if you want to join us."

258
00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:57.753
It's not okay.

259
00:13:59.338 --> 00:14:00.256
[sighs]

260
00:14:00.339 --> 00:14:01.173
Guys...

261
00:14:03.050 --> 00:14:05.594
have you ever thought
about how many times

262
00:14:05.678 --> 00:14:08.389
you may have slept
with your significant other?

263
00:14:08.472 --> 00:14:11.517
You shouldn't know the answer.
So let me just start there. All right?

264
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:14.103
If you do, that's terrifying, and...

265
00:14:14.812 --> 00:14:15.980
we'd like you to leave.

266
00:14:16.897 --> 00:14:19.859
Yeah. If you're sitting here like,
"Finally, somebody asked.

267
00:14:21.819 --> 00:14:23.153
It's 926!"

268
00:14:24.947 --> 00:14:26.782
There's the exit. What I'm saying...

269
00:14:27.658 --> 00:14:31.662
I'm saying, as a concept,
it is reasonable to assume,

270
00:14:31.745 --> 00:14:36.208
if you've been with somebody three years,
you have a healthy thing going on,

271
00:14:36.292 --> 00:14:39.086
you may have slept together
a few hundred times.

272
00:14:39.169 --> 00:14:40.379
Right? Right.

273
00:14:40.880 --> 00:14:45.384
Now, I want you to think about
how many times your dad...

274
00:14:47.970 --> 00:14:49.889
has finished inside of your mom.

275
00:14:53.100 --> 00:14:54.518
So many times!

276
00:14:55.686 --> 00:14:59.356
[in Southern accent]
"Tom, why would you say that?"

277
00:15:02.651 --> 00:15:05.779
Well, basically, I think all of our moms

278
00:15:05.863 --> 00:15:08.115
are a bunch of cum dumpsters,
you know, but...

279
00:15:09.617 --> 00:15:11.493
Your mom more than my mom. Now...

280
00:15:14.663 --> 00:15:16.248
Ew, I know, it's a tough image

281
00:15:16.332 --> 00:15:19.001
to get out of your head
once I've planted it, right?

282
00:15:19.084 --> 00:15:21.462
You're like,
"Goddamn it, my mom's dripping?"

283
00:15:21.545 --> 00:15:22.796
Probably, yeah.

284
00:15:24.924 --> 00:15:26.383
Soaking wet. Look...

285
00:15:28.385 --> 00:15:31.847
your mom has done some nasty shit.

286
00:15:32.723 --> 00:15:33.974
Let's talk about it.

287
00:15:34.058 --> 00:15:35.142
[laughs]

288
00:15:40.189 --> 00:15:42.024
She really has. And, uh...

289
00:15:42.566 --> 00:15:44.818
Look, I'm here to defend her, all right?

290
00:15:45.402 --> 00:15:46.528
It is not her fault.

291
00:15:47.529 --> 00:15:49.198
It's your dad's fault, for sure.

292
00:15:49.823 --> 00:15:53.535
Your dad, with all due respect,
is kind of a piece of shit. A little bit!

293
00:15:53.827 --> 00:15:55.621
And if you're like, "Not my dad.

294
00:15:56.664 --> 00:15:57.581
He's good..."

295
00:15:57.665 --> 00:15:58.499
Yeah, to you.

296
00:15:59.667 --> 00:16:01.585
He's not always like that to your mom.

297
00:16:01.877 --> 00:16:04.171
If they've been together three decades,

298
00:16:04.254 --> 00:16:07.132
you don't think he says
some off-colored shit...

299
00:16:08.342 --> 00:16:10.344
every now and then? Of course he does.

300
00:16:10.427 --> 00:16:11.637
They're laying in bed.

301
00:16:11.720 --> 00:16:15.349
Your dad's tossing and turning.
He can't sleep. [grunting]

302
00:16:15.432 --> 00:16:18.185
And your poor mother,
"Is everything all right, dear?"

303
00:16:19.311 --> 00:16:20.145
"It's fine."

304
00:16:21.522 --> 00:16:22.606
"Was supper good?"

305
00:16:22.690 --> 00:16:24.608
"Yeah. Shut up, I'm trying to sleep."

306
00:16:26.694 --> 00:16:28.153
"Can I do anything to help?"

307
00:16:28.237 --> 00:16:30.489
"Yeah. You can lick my balls, all right?"

308
00:16:31.407 --> 00:16:32.574
You want to know something?

309
00:16:32.658 --> 00:16:35.244
Your poor mother, she does it,
all right? She...

310
00:16:35.995 --> 00:16:39.081
Because she's a ball hog.
So your mom gets down there...

311
00:16:40.874 --> 00:16:41.834
[weeps]

312
00:16:47.423 --> 00:16:48.340
[weeps]

313
00:16:50.050 --> 00:16:52.011
And she goes, "I like my life."

314
00:16:52.094 --> 00:16:53.095
[weeping]

315
00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:57.766
Oh, your mom. Now...

316
00:16:59.852 --> 00:17:00.686
Your grandma.

317
00:17:00.769 --> 00:17:03.230
Think about some of the things
that she's done.

318
00:17:04.647 --> 00:17:07.568
On the railroad tracks
or wherever she used to fuck around.

319
00:17:09.153 --> 00:17:11.446
[laughs] El Paso. I don't know. Uh...

320
00:17:14.407 --> 00:17:17.327
You're like,
"Why are you saying this stuff, Tom?"

321
00:17:17.411 --> 00:17:18.537
'Cause I'm having fun.

322
00:17:18.619 --> 00:17:19.704
[laughs]

323
00:17:20.247 --> 00:17:22.165
Because I enjoy upsetting people.

324
00:17:22.249 --> 00:17:25.711
[laughs] Yeah. I don't know
what it says about me psychologically,

325
00:17:25.794 --> 00:17:28.756
but there is... I don't know,
there's, like, a marching band

326
00:17:28.839 --> 00:17:31.467
inside of me right now,
going, "Good job, good job."

327
00:17:32.718 --> 00:17:33.552
Yeah.

328
00:17:33.635 --> 00:17:37.931
'Cause, internally, I picture somebody
out there going like, "I was having fun...

329
00:17:39.558 --> 00:17:41.935
until he talked about my slut mom."

330
00:17:43.645 --> 00:17:45.522
And it makes me happy. I don't know.

331
00:17:46.732 --> 00:17:48.984
It'll upset somebody,
and they'll try to tell me.

332
00:17:50.110 --> 00:17:51.278
I say they'll try to tell me

333
00:17:51.361 --> 00:17:54.323
'cause they'll send me a message
that I'll never read and...

334
00:17:54.740 --> 00:17:56.909
No, no, I used to.
I used to read them all.

335
00:17:56.992 --> 00:18:00.788
And it took me a long time to figure out
you shouldn't read every message.

336
00:18:00.871 --> 00:18:05.042
I don't think any performer
should digest everything sent their way.

337
00:18:05.125 --> 00:18:07.753
And I didn't know that for a long time,
you know,

338
00:18:07.836 --> 00:18:10.631
and I wish I had known that
'cause it kind of gets to you, you know?

339
00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:13.717
The first time I actually got in trouble
for saying something

340
00:18:13.801 --> 00:18:15.344
was about five years ago.

341
00:18:15.427 --> 00:18:18.472
I got in trouble for saying "Gypsy"
on television.

342
00:18:19.139 --> 00:18:22.392
Yeah. I didn't say anything nice
about them, so let me...

343
00:18:23.268 --> 00:18:24.937
rephrase it. [laughs]

344
00:18:25.020 --> 00:18:28.148
I was just like... I was on a show.
I was like, "Who doesn't hate Gypsies?"

345
00:18:28.232 --> 00:18:29.066
And then...

346
00:18:29.775 --> 00:18:32.528
everybody on the show was like,
"We're with you," but...

347
00:18:33.737 --> 00:18:35.781
afterwards, they found out.

348
00:18:36.824 --> 00:18:38.033
And they reached out.

349
00:18:38.117 --> 00:18:40.285
Like the president of the Gypsies...

350
00:18:41.620 --> 00:18:42.704
sent me a message.

351
00:18:42.788 --> 00:18:45.916
I guess she stole someone's phone.
So she sent me this message.

352
00:18:45.999 --> 00:18:48.001
[crowd laughing, applauding]

353
00:18:51.380 --> 00:18:53.841
We can tell who travels. So, uh...

354
00:18:54.466 --> 00:18:55.509
she sent me this message.

355
00:18:55.592 --> 00:18:59.555
She was like, "You said the G-word
on tele--" I was like, "Huh?

356
00:19:00.389 --> 00:19:01.598
The G-word?"

357
00:19:02.432 --> 00:19:06.562
I'm a grown man. And this is over e-mail.
She's being a real B-word. And so...

358
00:19:08.147 --> 00:19:11.483
I didn't want to push her,
make her a C-word. You know what I mean?

359
00:19:11.900 --> 00:19:14.111
Where my N-words at?
All right, well, look...

360
00:19:15.028 --> 00:19:15.863
Hey, man...

361
00:19:16.363 --> 00:19:19.032
it's modern comedy, get with the program.
Now...

362
00:19:20.242 --> 00:19:21.118
Then she went on.

363
00:19:21.201 --> 00:19:25.789
She goes, "Well, just so you know,
we're very proud of our ethnicity."

364
00:19:25.873 --> 00:19:29.793
And I was like, "Yeah, you should be.
I mean, you have nothing else. [laughs]

365
00:19:31.587 --> 00:19:33.755
I hope you're good at camping." [laughs]

366
00:19:35.299 --> 00:19:37.384
Hey, I was giving her a compliment.

367
00:19:38.427 --> 00:19:42.514
I was saying, "I enjoy your ethnic pride,
because you've earned it."

368
00:19:42.598 --> 00:19:45.350
And frankly, I don't think everybody has.
All right?

369
00:19:45.434 --> 00:19:48.103
Every group's like, "We're the best."
No, you're not.

370
00:19:48.562 --> 00:19:50.814
It's impossible
for everybody to be the best.

371
00:19:50.898 --> 00:19:54.109
I'm serious. Every group, they're like...
[gibbering]

372
00:19:55.360 --> 00:19:58.906
No. I mean, just as an example, okay,
just to, like, lay this out:

373
00:19:58.989 --> 00:20:02.201
How many people in the room,
let's say, are Italian for instance?

374
00:20:02.284 --> 00:20:03.869
-[crowd cheers]
-Okay.

375
00:20:04.328 --> 00:20:09.750
Now, aren't the rest of you a little sick
of hearing from them? Like... Right?

376
00:20:10.751 --> 00:20:13.170
"Hey, we're the best! Fucking pasta!"

377
00:20:13.253 --> 00:20:14.838
You're like, "All right." So...

378
00:20:15.964 --> 00:20:18.425
Pasta's Chinese. Calm down. Now...

379
00:20:19.384 --> 00:20:21.303
Anyways, after that,
I kept reading messages.

380
00:20:21.386 --> 00:20:22.763
Reading, reading, reading.

381
00:20:22.846 --> 00:20:28.060
And then a little while ago,
I got, in one six-week period,

382
00:20:28.143 --> 00:20:34.775
200,000 e-mails and messages
just from the state of Louisiana,

383
00:20:34.858 --> 00:20:38.528
over jokes that I had told in a special.
Now...

384
00:20:39.738 --> 00:20:43.992
if you don't know,
I had a joke in a previous special...

385
00:20:44.493 --> 00:20:45.744
-and...
-[crowd cheering]

386
00:20:45.827 --> 00:20:46.870
Yeah, it's fine.

387
00:20:50.958 --> 00:20:53.335
It was a very silly joke.

388
00:20:53.418 --> 00:20:55.921
The joke essentially was I said,
"You know what?

389
00:20:56.004 --> 00:20:57.798
We should build a wall in this country,

390
00:20:57.881 --> 00:21:00.300
but we should build it
around that dumb fucking state."

391
00:21:00.384 --> 00:21:01.802
That was my joke. Now...

392
00:21:02.427 --> 00:21:06.181
Look, I'm so dumb, I was like,
"Everybody will like that joke."

393
00:21:06.265 --> 00:21:07.140
No, they don't.

394
00:21:08.600 --> 00:21:10.269
Not the people you made it about.

395
00:21:11.270 --> 00:21:15.315
I got so many misspelled death threats
and, uh...

396
00:21:18.694 --> 00:21:21.780
I was like, "Is this Creole?
What the hell are they trying to tell me?"

397
00:21:25.826 --> 00:21:29.538
I got asked about it so much,
I was on the news about it...

398
00:21:30.038 --> 00:21:32.207
that I just volunteer it now, okay?

399
00:21:32.291 --> 00:21:33.583
So here's the truth.

400
00:21:33.667 --> 00:21:37.045
I never would have shit on them
as hard as I did

401
00:21:37.129 --> 00:21:40.507
if I had been to Arkansas,
which I now have.

402
00:21:40.590 --> 00:21:42.884
What? What!

403
00:21:46.346 --> 00:21:47.556
What...

404
00:21:48.557 --> 00:21:51.226
a fucking dump that place is.

405
00:21:52.102 --> 00:21:55.272
I think, when people flush their toilets
in Louisiana,

406
00:21:55.355 --> 00:21:57.316
it all comes up in Arkansas. It...

407
00:21:59.026 --> 00:22:02.904
It smells like broken dreams
and buttholes and...

408
00:22:03.613 --> 00:22:05.324
a little bit of barbecue, but...

409
00:22:06.366 --> 00:22:07.743
Here's what's fascinating.

410
00:22:07.826 --> 00:22:10.287
Most of you will never experience this,

411
00:22:10.370 --> 00:22:14.541
but if you ever offend
a large group of people,

412
00:22:14.624 --> 00:22:17.294
like, let's say, an entire state...

413
00:22:18.754 --> 00:22:21.381
you end up learning a lot about them.

414
00:22:22.174 --> 00:22:23.133
You don't want to.

415
00:22:23.592 --> 00:22:25.469
But they insist, so...

416
00:22:26.636 --> 00:22:30.932
Yeah. I know everything
about Louisiana now. It's the worst.

417
00:22:31.016 --> 00:22:36.146
I'm like an unofficial historian
on the place I least want to go to.

418
00:22:37.439 --> 00:22:40.317
I mean, their state motto
runs through my head

419
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:44.071
like it's the Dow Jones ticker,
all day, every day.

420
00:22:44.154 --> 00:22:48.408
It's, "Louisiana, where people smoke
in their cars with their babies." And...

421
00:22:49.993 --> 00:22:51.661
[mumbling]

422
00:22:54.831 --> 00:22:58.168
Arkansas's is,
"You done with that baby?" So...

423
00:22:58.251 --> 00:22:59.211
Hmm?

424
00:23:02.422 --> 00:23:05.509
"What are you gonna do with it?"
"We're gonna eat it. What do you mean?

425
00:23:06.301 --> 00:23:07.844
Sooey!"

426
00:23:07.928 --> 00:23:08.762
Now...

427
00:23:12.224 --> 00:23:17.813
I also got a lot of messages
from the Down syndrome community.

428
00:23:21.650 --> 00:23:22.567
That was fun.

429
00:23:23.443 --> 00:23:24.861
Here's the truth about that.

430
00:23:24.945 --> 00:23:26.905
People with Down syndrome

431
00:23:26.988 --> 00:23:31.660
write much more coherently
than people from Louisiana. So...

432
00:23:37.416 --> 00:23:40.043
We were able to have a dialogue. [laughs]

433
00:23:41.211 --> 00:23:45.632
And I think I've grown and matured
since then. I'm serious. I think I have.

434
00:23:45.715 --> 00:23:48.510
I think, for instance, right now, today,

435
00:23:48.593 --> 00:23:54.933
I think it is both lazy and antiquated
to say, "Are you fucking R-worded?"

436
00:23:56.309 --> 00:23:58.478
R-E-T-A-R... You get it.

437
00:23:59.438 --> 00:24:00.397
And here's why.

438
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:03.733
I think, when I say that, what I'm trying
to say is, "Are you an idiot?

439
00:24:03.817 --> 00:24:06.069
Are you an imbecile? Are you stupid?"

440
00:24:06.153 --> 00:24:08.155
And that is not the right word for that.

441
00:24:08.238 --> 00:24:10.449
The right word for that is "Cajun."

442
00:24:10.532 --> 00:24:12.534
So that's what I'm gonna start saying...

443
00:24:13.243 --> 00:24:14.202
from now on.

444
00:24:14.953 --> 00:24:16.288
So fuck you again.

445
00:24:16.371 --> 00:24:17.914
That's my point. Now...

446
00:24:17.998 --> 00:24:19.624
[crowd cheering, whistling]

447
00:24:19.708 --> 00:24:20.542
Yeah.

448
00:24:25.714 --> 00:24:28.049
But I'll tell you this.
I want you to know something.

449
00:24:28.133 --> 00:24:30.051
I am not one of these comedians who goes,

450
00:24:30.135 --> 00:24:34.347
"I don't understand
why people ever get upset about anything."

451
00:24:34.681 --> 00:24:35.682
[gibbering]

452
00:24:36.766 --> 00:24:39.436
Like the dumbest perspective you can have.

453
00:24:39.936 --> 00:24:41.021
I totally understand.

454
00:24:41.104 --> 00:24:46.401
I think you have a right to be offended
by whatever offends you,

455
00:24:46.485 --> 00:24:49.529
and I think you have a right
to express it.

456
00:24:49.613 --> 00:24:51.281
I do not think, however,

457
00:24:51.364 --> 00:24:55.368
that you have a right
to expect anyone to do anything about it.

458
00:24:55.744 --> 00:24:57.412
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.

459
00:25:01.917 --> 00:25:05.086
Just like if you express
any of your other feelings.

460
00:25:05.170 --> 00:25:08.131
Like if you're like,
"I'm horny. I'm hungry. I'm tired."

461
00:25:08.215 --> 00:25:10.383
I'd be like,
"Wow, you got a lot of shit going on.

462
00:25:11.760 --> 00:25:15.347
Sounds like you need to jerk off,
eat a sandwich, and take a nap. And...

463
00:25:16.056 --> 00:25:16.890
that's on you.

464
00:25:16.973 --> 00:25:19.392
I mean, I'll give you a little tug
to get you started, but...

465
00:25:20.143 --> 00:25:21.269
I'm not gonna finish."

466
00:25:22.812 --> 00:25:26.358
And I also think I should have the right
to respond, you know?

467
00:25:26.441 --> 00:25:27.692
Yeah, that's how it should work.

468
00:25:27.776 --> 00:25:29.945
I say something, you say something,
I say something,

469
00:25:30.028 --> 00:25:31.363
and it continues.

470
00:25:31.446 --> 00:25:36.993
So I'll say this. I am not put out
by outraged culture, okay?

471
00:25:37.077 --> 00:25:38.745
I'm serious. Doesn't affect me.

472
00:25:38.828 --> 00:25:42.415
Because I deal with
emotionally fragile people every day.

473
00:25:42.499 --> 00:25:44.876
See, I have two kids, and...

474
00:25:46.044 --> 00:25:49.172
they bring me their problems.
They do. And I speak to them about them.

475
00:25:49.256 --> 00:25:51.883
I speak to them differently
than I would normally speak to you.

476
00:25:51.967 --> 00:25:55.887
You know, they'll come up to me,
and my older one will be like... [whining]

477
00:25:57.222 --> 00:25:58.181
"It's loud...

478
00:26:00.267 --> 00:26:01.101
over there."

479
00:26:02.310 --> 00:26:04.312
And I'll be like... "Is it?

480
00:26:05.939 --> 00:26:07.607
Well, then don't go over there."

481
00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:12.571
He goes, "Okay."

482
00:26:13.822 --> 00:26:15.073
And I go, "Okay."

483
00:26:15.949 --> 00:26:19.035
And then I go, "Mwah,"
and I kiss him on the head.

484
00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:21.162
And that's how I'm gonna start
speaking to adults

485
00:26:21.246 --> 00:26:25.125
who tell me they're offended by jokes
during comedy shows. So...

486
00:26:25.208 --> 00:26:26.459
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.

487
00:26:30.255 --> 00:26:32.674
The best part
is that you don't have to agree.

488
00:26:32.757 --> 00:26:34.759
That's the great thing
about living in this country.

489
00:26:34.843 --> 00:26:37.178
You don't have to agree,
but you'll know where I stand.

490
00:26:37.262 --> 00:26:38.847
So if you come up to me, and you're like,

491
00:26:38.930 --> 00:26:44.102
"I was deeply hurt by what you said
during your ha-ha show..."

492
00:26:46.021 --> 00:26:47.439
I'll be like, "Oh, were you?

493
00:26:47.522 --> 00:26:50.025
Well, you should never hear things
you don't like,

494
00:26:50.108 --> 00:26:51.860
so you stay home now. Mwah."

495
00:26:51.943 --> 00:26:53.445
And I'll kiss you on the head.

496
00:26:59.451 --> 00:27:03.538
That being said, do you ever wonder what
kind of slave owner you would have been?

497
00:27:03.622 --> 00:27:04.497
Now...

498
00:27:06.708 --> 00:27:07.626
Not now!

499
00:27:08.668 --> 00:27:12.505
I mean, it's 1831, you're white,
you live...

500
00:27:12.589 --> 00:27:14.466
exactly where you live right now.

501
00:27:19.554 --> 00:27:22.724
You guys are like, "We don't want to play
this game." All right, well...

502
00:27:24.017 --> 00:27:25.644
Fuck it, I'll play. Uh...

503
00:27:26.811 --> 00:27:29.856
I know how I would have been.
I mean, I love buying cars now.

504
00:27:33.234 --> 00:27:35.528
"I know we have three,
but look at this fucking guy!"

505
00:27:35.612 --> 00:27:36.529
All right, well...

506
00:27:37.530 --> 00:27:39.616
Hey, if you didn't like that joke...
[clicks tongue]

507
00:27:39.699 --> 00:27:41.326
...don't think about it. Now...

508
00:27:43.870 --> 00:27:45.372
Women. [laughs]

509
00:27:47.207 --> 00:27:49.459
Do you feel like
you're almost equal citizens?

510
00:27:49.542 --> 00:27:52.796
Because you are not. Now...

511
00:27:55.423 --> 00:27:56.424
I'm on your side.

512
00:27:57.384 --> 00:28:01.262
I didn't say you shouldn't be.
I said you're not, because I have eyes.

513
00:28:02.555 --> 00:28:06.267
You're not. You don't sense
the great imbalance that we live with?

514
00:28:06.351 --> 00:28:09.813
Men get paid more
to do the same work that you do.

515
00:28:09.896 --> 00:28:11.314
Advantage, men.

516
00:28:11.815 --> 00:28:15.193
Women get mad at us
for things we do in their dreams.

517
00:28:15.276 --> 00:28:16.611
Advantage, women.

518
00:28:18.780 --> 00:28:19.864
Isn't that some shit?

519
00:28:20.740 --> 00:28:24.369
When you're at breakfast and you're like,
"Why is she looking at me like that?"

520
00:28:27.872 --> 00:28:30.625
She's like, "You were a dick
in my dream last night."

521
00:28:31.334 --> 00:28:33.169
And you're like, "Okay, all right.

522
00:28:35.839 --> 00:28:36.673
Are you serious?

523
00:28:38.633 --> 00:28:40.719
I would like to apologize...

524
00:28:43.054 --> 00:28:45.598
for what I did in your dream last night."

525
00:28:46.349 --> 00:28:48.685
She's like, "Thank you."
And you're like,

526
00:28:48.768 --> 00:28:50.645
"All right, I'm gonna get
the fuck out of here."

527
00:28:51.479 --> 00:28:55.066
See, I think the power dynamic
that we live with was set by a man.

528
00:28:55.150 --> 00:28:56.067
Obviously.

529
00:28:56.151 --> 00:28:58.862
I think he was gonna make it equal.
I really believe that.

530
00:28:58.945 --> 00:29:01.197
And I think
the day he was going to set it up,

531
00:29:01.281 --> 00:29:05.660
he was leaving his house, and his wife
stopped him at the door. And she was like,

532
00:29:05.744 --> 00:29:09.164
"You know, you were titty fucking
a brunette in my dream last night."

533
00:29:10.582 --> 00:29:12.250
And he was like, "You know what?

534
00:29:13.334 --> 00:29:14.169
No.

535
00:29:16.629 --> 00:29:17.839
You're gonna answer the phones.

536
00:29:17.922 --> 00:29:20.091
That's what you're gonna do."
And he walked away.

537
00:29:20.425 --> 00:29:21.801
[laughing] Okay.

538
00:29:22.844 --> 00:29:26.181
Don't accurately joke about our culture.
All right.

539
00:29:29.642 --> 00:29:31.352
[laughs] Really?

540
00:29:31.853 --> 00:29:34.689
That's not funny either? You don't think
there's a couple people in here

541
00:29:34.773 --> 00:29:37.817
who are like, "I do answer the phones."
Like, is that funny to you?

542
00:29:39.903 --> 00:29:42.155
[laughs] On Monday, she'll be like,
"Hi, thank you for...

543
00:29:42.238 --> 00:29:44.157
Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy." Right?

544
00:29:45.950 --> 00:29:51.247
Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance
play out in front of you

545
00:29:51.331 --> 00:29:54.501
between the genders
in a grotesque fashion.

546
00:29:54.584 --> 00:29:56.669
Of course, when I say "the genders,"

547
00:29:56.753 --> 00:30:00.882
I am only speaking of two
of the several hundred that now exist.

548
00:30:02.675 --> 00:30:05.178
I would like it to be clear where I stand.

549
00:30:05.261 --> 00:30:09.891
I have no problem calling anybody
anything they wish to be called.

550
00:30:09.974 --> 00:30:11.935
It is no burden on me.

551
00:30:12.018 --> 00:30:14.938
You can identify as a shoelace
if you want to.

552
00:30:15.647 --> 00:30:19.025
And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir
if you ask me to.

553
00:30:20.026 --> 00:30:22.612
Do I think it's a little silly?

554
00:30:22.695 --> 00:30:25.657
Yeah. But so is badminton,
and that's an Olympic event.

555
00:30:25.740 --> 00:30:26.741
You know? So...

556
00:30:30.703 --> 00:30:34.290
Here's what happened.
I was shooting a movie a few months back,

557
00:30:34.374 --> 00:30:37.377
and one day, we wrapped up kind of early
from filmmaking.

558
00:30:37.460 --> 00:30:38.753
It was late afternoon.

559
00:30:38.837 --> 00:30:42.090
And I walk off set, and I notice
there's a bar across the street.

560
00:30:42.173 --> 00:30:45.844
I go, "I'm gonna walk into this bar,
have a drink, go back to the hotel."

561
00:30:46.010 --> 00:30:47.011
Simple enough, right?

562
00:30:47.095 --> 00:30:51.099
I walk in,
I see a woman seated at the bar,

563
00:30:51.182 --> 00:30:55.186
doing what I can only describe
as weird shit.

564
00:30:56.896 --> 00:30:58.898
If you're like, "What do you mean, Tom?"

565
00:30:58.982 --> 00:31:02.193
Well, I think
there's a normal spectrum of behavior

566
00:31:02.277 --> 00:31:04.821
that you see from one seated at a bar.

567
00:31:04.904 --> 00:31:07.991
You know, if you see them seated there,
you might see them go like this,

568
00:31:08.074 --> 00:31:09.617
or, like, "Hey,"

569
00:31:09.701 --> 00:31:10.785
or maybe even...

570
00:31:10.869 --> 00:31:12.161
[imitating laughter]

571
00:31:13.705 --> 00:31:17.000
This lady is seated at the bar,
and she's going...

572
00:31:23.047 --> 00:31:26.217
I'm like, "Is she making fudge?
What is she doing over there?"

573
00:31:27.719 --> 00:31:29.596
I also noticed it late.

574
00:31:29.679 --> 00:31:32.724
Like, I noticed it as I'm walking past it.
That happens sometimes, right?

575
00:31:32.807 --> 00:31:35.143
Like you walk,
you see something as you're passing it.

576
00:31:35.226 --> 00:31:37.812
You're like, "That's some crazy shit,"
and you keep walking.

577
00:31:37.896 --> 00:31:40.023
And then you're like,
"I need to see that again.

578
00:31:40.899 --> 00:31:42.984
I don't know how I'm gonna see it again."

579
00:31:50.116 --> 00:31:51.200
Now I'm dead center,

580
00:31:51.284 --> 00:31:57.624
and I see that a woman, to be clear,
is in public, 4:30 in the afternoon,

581
00:31:57.874 --> 00:31:59.918
and she is sitting there fucking...

582
00:32:03.254 --> 00:32:05.632
Peeling her potato. I don't know. Um...

583
00:32:06.758 --> 00:32:09.260
Playing with her pussy.
You know what I'm trying to say.

584
00:32:09.719 --> 00:32:12.138
And she is not hot, if you're wondering.

585
00:32:13.431 --> 00:32:15.934
If you're like, "Was she super hot?"

586
00:32:16.017 --> 00:32:17.769
No, she wasn't.

587
00:32:17.852 --> 00:32:20.980
And because of that,
I tattletaled immediately.

588
00:32:22.148 --> 00:32:23.942
You know what's up. So...

589
00:32:25.652 --> 00:32:28.363
I go to the bouncer. I go, "Excuse me.

590
00:32:30.823 --> 00:32:33.076
That not-model over there...

591
00:32:34.744 --> 00:32:37.038
is diddling herself at the bar."

592
00:32:37.622 --> 00:32:40.792
And this big, yoked dude looked,
and he goes...

593
00:32:40.875 --> 00:32:41.960
[babbling]

594
00:32:44.963 --> 00:32:47.674
I go, "Yeah, talk to her."
And he goes, "Mm-mm."

595
00:32:50.843 --> 00:32:52.136
I'm like, "Excuse me?"

596
00:32:52.679 --> 00:32:55.056
He goes, "I don't want
anything to do with that shit."

597
00:32:56.474 --> 00:32:57.976
I'm like, "I don't think anybody does.

598
00:32:58.726 --> 00:33:00.979
There's a woman masturbating at the bar."

599
00:33:01.854 --> 00:33:02.772
He's like... [groans]

600
00:33:02.855 --> 00:33:06.943
Like he's put out
by my outrageous request.

601
00:33:07.026 --> 00:33:09.153
He's like, "All right, man, Jesus Christ."

602
00:33:10.238 --> 00:33:14.117
So he gets up, he walks,
like, halfway there, turns around,

603
00:33:14.200 --> 00:33:15.702
he goes, "Yeah, I couldn't do it, man."

604
00:33:18.538 --> 00:33:19.789
I go, "You have to."

605
00:33:20.540 --> 00:33:22.041
So he calls over the hostess.

606
00:33:22.125 --> 00:33:25.086
This cute little 22-year-old
that's like, "What's up, guys?"

607
00:33:26.421 --> 00:33:27.630
He goes, "Handle that."

608
00:33:27.714 --> 00:33:28.673
She's like, "Okay."

609
00:33:29.924 --> 00:33:33.886
She goes over there, super polite,
which is fucked up...

610
00:33:35.096 --> 00:33:36.931
considering the circumstances.

611
00:33:37.015 --> 00:33:39.892
I can't hear her,
but I can read her body language.

612
00:33:40.226 --> 00:33:41.769
She's like, "Hi."

613
00:33:43.438 --> 00:33:45.606
And she's like, "Everybody can see you."

614
00:33:49.944 --> 00:33:51.404
And then she goes, "Stop it.

615
00:33:53.865 --> 00:33:54.699
Stop."

616
00:33:55.324 --> 00:33:57.201
And she goes, "You promise?" [laughs]

617
00:33:58.244 --> 00:33:59.912
Then she goes, "Thank you."

618
00:34:01.039 --> 00:34:03.541
And she comes back,
and she goes, "She's stopped."

619
00:34:04.751 --> 00:34:06.836
I'm like, "She finished, or she stopped?"

620
00:34:09.422 --> 00:34:10.715
She goes, "She stopped."

621
00:34:10.797 --> 00:34:13.967
And I go. "Okay."
I'm like, "Wait, is she allowed to stay?"

622
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:15.887
And she goes, "Yeah."

623
00:34:17.138 --> 00:34:18.222
I go, "Why?"

624
00:34:19.181 --> 00:34:21.016
And she goes, "Because she stopped."

625
00:34:21.768 --> 00:34:24.562
I go, "I'm sorry,
would I be allowed to stay...

626
00:34:25.730 --> 00:34:29.400
if I was just sitting at your bar,
just kind of toying with the top?

627
00:34:29.484 --> 00:34:30.359
You know, like...

628
00:34:38.076 --> 00:34:40.911
Would you tap me on the shoulder
and be like, 'Excuse me.

629
00:34:41.829 --> 00:34:44.998
Will you put your leaky dick
back in your pants?

630
00:34:46.208 --> 00:34:49.420
Thanks. You want some chicken fingers
or a Sprite or something?'"

631
00:34:50.129 --> 00:34:54.675
I say, "You'd call the SWAT team,
and they would rappel into the building.

632
00:34:54.759 --> 00:34:58.471
Someone would crack my fucking head
on the side of the bar,

633
00:34:58.554 --> 00:35:01.724
and you'd have a parade
as my corpse was carried out."

634
00:35:02.308 --> 00:35:04.393
And she goes, "You're right about that."

635
00:35:07.522 --> 00:35:09.857
[sighs] Maybe I'm overreacting.
I don't know.

636
00:35:10.733 --> 00:35:11.984
I don't jerk off in bars.

637
00:35:13.528 --> 00:35:16.823
Years ago, I wouldn't find it necessary
to make that statement,

638
00:35:16.906 --> 00:35:21.911
but in light of all the recent scandals,
I don't jerk off in bars. Now...

639
00:35:22.912 --> 00:35:25.331
It's another reason
I stopped reading messages from people.

640
00:35:25.414 --> 00:35:28.835
I keep getting messages all the time.
People were like, "Hi, big fan.

641
00:35:28.918 --> 00:35:31.838
Uh, don't sexually assault anyone

642
00:35:31.921 --> 00:35:34.215
so I can still be your fan."

643
00:35:35.049 --> 00:35:35.967
Huh?

644
00:35:37.218 --> 00:35:39.846
First of all, ride or die, bitch.

645
00:35:39.929 --> 00:35:42.223
[crowd laughing, cheering]

646
00:35:42.306 --> 00:35:43.141
Yeah.

647
00:35:49.105 --> 00:35:51.941
I don't want no half-steppers in my crew.

648
00:35:52.024 --> 00:35:52.859
Secondly...

649
00:35:54.443 --> 00:35:57.321
what am I supposed to write back?
"Good looking out, bro.

650
00:35:59.907 --> 00:36:03.077
I was about to
until I read your e-mail, Kyle."

651
00:36:05.329 --> 00:36:06.330
Fuck you, Kyle.

652
00:36:08.457 --> 00:36:11.919
You don't have to worry about me.
I don't jerk off in public. [laughs]

653
00:36:12.420 --> 00:36:13.588
It's not what I'm into.

654
00:36:14.130 --> 00:36:15.464
I'm into something else.

655
00:36:16.424 --> 00:36:17.425
Here's what it is.

656
00:36:17.508 --> 00:36:18.342
Uh...

657
00:36:20.303 --> 00:36:21.220
[laughs]

658
00:36:21.554 --> 00:36:23.264
-You guys are like, "Okay..."
-[woman] Yeah!

659
00:36:23.347 --> 00:36:24.599
-All right, yeah.
-[woman] Yeah!

660
00:36:24.932 --> 00:36:26.893
If you ever want to hear me masturbate...

661
00:36:28.186 --> 00:36:31.647
all you have to do is call me and tell me

662
00:36:31.731 --> 00:36:34.358
you can't make it to our dinner plans.

663
00:36:35.776 --> 00:36:37.987
I'll start stroking right then and there.

664
00:36:39.906 --> 00:36:42.366
I am not social. I fucking love that call.

665
00:36:42.992 --> 00:36:44.744
That is my favorite call. I lo--

666
00:36:44.827 --> 00:36:46.996
Especially if it's
as I'm leaving the house,

667
00:36:47.079 --> 00:36:49.123
I'm gonna have multiple orgasms, okay?

668
00:36:49.957 --> 00:36:51.834
When I'm walking out of the house,
and I'm like,

669
00:36:51.918 --> 00:36:53.544
"I don't want to fucking
go out with them,"

670
00:36:53.628 --> 00:36:55.755
and then they call and they're like,
"We can't make it,"

671
00:36:55.838 --> 00:36:57.757
I'm like, "Keep talking.

672
00:36:59.759 --> 00:37:01.636
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?"

673
00:37:03.137 --> 00:37:04.847
"Well, we were in a car accident."

674
00:37:04.931 --> 00:37:05.890
I'm like, "Oh.

675
00:37:08.601 --> 00:37:09.518
Are you okay?

676
00:37:09.602 --> 00:37:13.064
You are, but you're still not coming
to dinner. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay."

677
00:37:15.483 --> 00:37:18.110
"All right, clean it up, Tom."
You got it. So...

678
00:37:19.237 --> 00:37:20.821
So I'm a dad. [snickering]

679
00:37:20.905 --> 00:37:21.781
And, uh...

680
00:37:24.825 --> 00:37:26.994
I, um... I've changed some.

681
00:37:27.787 --> 00:37:29.872
Not too much.
You have to change a little bit.

682
00:37:29.956 --> 00:37:32.750
You know, there's an expression,
"Having kids changes you."

683
00:37:32.833 --> 00:37:35.127
I think...
Personally, I think it should be modified

684
00:37:35.211 --> 00:37:37.505
to, "Having kids should change you."

685
00:37:38.089 --> 00:37:41.133
It's a big-time red flag
when you meet somebody who's like,

686
00:37:41.217 --> 00:37:43.219
"Yeah, I've had four kids.
I haven't changed at all."

687
00:37:43.302 --> 00:37:45.805
You're like, "You're super unstable.
That's good to know."

688
00:37:46.681 --> 00:37:48.182
They don't have to be huge changes.

689
00:37:48.266 --> 00:37:51.477
But, you know,
you kind of evaluate your life

690
00:37:51.560 --> 00:37:52.895
and you make a change.

691
00:37:52.979 --> 00:37:55.690
Me, personally,
I'm very proud of what I changed.

692
00:37:55.773 --> 00:38:00.027
I realized when I had kids,
I had no time, no energy.

693
00:38:00.111 --> 00:38:03.239
I need to edit something out of my life.
You know what I edited out of my life?

694
00:38:03.322 --> 00:38:05.116
Arguing with everyone.

695
00:38:05.199 --> 00:38:08.160
Every friend, every family member.
I just don't engage.

696
00:38:08.244 --> 00:38:10.830
As soon as it starts,
I flip it on them, okay?

697
00:38:10.913 --> 00:38:12.373
As soon as I'm arguing with somebody,

698
00:38:12.456 --> 00:38:14.583
and they're like,
"Yeah, I don't really agree with you,"

699
00:38:14.667 --> 00:38:16.294
I go, "Yep. I'm on your side now."

700
00:38:17.586 --> 00:38:18.546
They're like, "What?"

701
00:38:18.629 --> 00:38:22.008
I go, "As soon as you spoke,
I came around and joined you.

702
00:38:22.842 --> 00:38:24.927
That's how little I want to talk to you."

703
00:38:26.429 --> 00:38:28.389
And I'm free. It feels great. Now...

704
00:38:30.016 --> 00:38:33.644
Not everybody likes it.
I'll tell you, my own mother is not a fan.

705
00:38:33.728 --> 00:38:34.645
[laughs]

706
00:38:34.937 --> 00:38:36.605
She lives for arguing.

707
00:38:36.689 --> 00:38:38.774
There are some people built like that.

708
00:38:38.858 --> 00:38:40.985
She lives for, you know, combative things.

709
00:38:41.068 --> 00:38:44.697
She wants to just fucking stab
and twist, turn. She loves it.

710
00:38:46.240 --> 00:38:48.326
She's also a dream crusher, which is...

711
00:38:49.368 --> 00:38:52.204
my least favorite quality
in a human being.

712
00:38:52.288 --> 00:38:53.372
You know a dream crusher?

713
00:38:53.456 --> 00:38:58.336
The person who, no matter what you say
you want to do or try, they're like,

714
00:38:58.419 --> 00:38:59.337
"Mm-mm.

715
00:39:00.171 --> 00:39:01.047
Not you."

716
00:39:01.130 --> 00:39:03.549
And you're like,
"It's good to have you around," you know?

717
00:39:04.258 --> 00:39:05.801
Those stay with you. Right?

718
00:39:05.885 --> 00:39:09.138
I bet you me just bringing it up
brings them to your own memory.

719
00:39:09.221 --> 00:39:11.390
That's how powerful they are.
I remember...

720
00:39:11.474 --> 00:39:13.976
I do remember telling her,
"I'm going to LA to do stand-up."

721
00:39:14.060 --> 00:39:17.146
This is years ago. I say it to her.
"I'm going to LA to do stand-up."

722
00:39:17.229 --> 00:39:20.941
Her response was... [in Spanish accent]
"You should go to the post office."

723
00:39:23.819 --> 00:39:27.448
I was so naive. I was like, "They do
stand-up shows at the post office?"

724
00:39:28.115 --> 00:39:29.992
She goes...
[in Spanish accent] "No, to work."

725
00:39:30.076 --> 00:39:32.495
I was like,
"Oh, no, stand-up would be the work."

726
00:39:32.578 --> 00:39:34.622
And she goes...
[in Spanish accent] "I understand."

727
00:39:34.705 --> 00:39:37.375
I was like, "Wait a minute.
Am I telling you my dream,

728
00:39:37.458 --> 00:39:39.752
and then you're saying,
'Go be a mailman'?"

729
00:39:40.544 --> 00:39:42.338
And she was like...
[in Spanish accent] "Yes."

730
00:39:43.089 --> 00:39:44.340
Okay. Now I do all right.

731
00:39:44.423 --> 00:39:46.384
You know, I make a good living.
She knows about it.

732
00:39:46.467 --> 00:39:49.303
Obviously. She hits me up for shit
constantly, but...

733
00:39:50.304 --> 00:39:51.680
I still get to have some fun.

734
00:39:51.764 --> 00:39:54.892
Like, do you know what I sent my mother
just a few weeks ago

735
00:39:54.975 --> 00:39:57.061
for her 75th birthday?

736
00:39:57.144 --> 00:40:00.147
A book of fucking stamps. And...

737
00:40:01.649 --> 00:40:04.527
I put a little note in there.
"I got these at work today."

738
00:40:04.610 --> 00:40:05.653
[imitating laughter]

739
00:40:05.736 --> 00:40:07.071
-Like that.
-[crowd cheers]

740
00:40:07.154 --> 00:40:07.988
Yeah.

741
00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:15.454
Don't feel badly.
She gets hooked up. So...

742
00:40:16.872 --> 00:40:18.457
Yeah, she's such a dick, but...

743
00:40:20.334 --> 00:40:21.585
[laughing] She is.

744
00:40:21.669 --> 00:40:23.963
I don't like that dream-crushing shit.
I really don't.

745
00:40:24.046 --> 00:40:25.089
I'm the opposite.

746
00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:26.841
I'm a dream encourager.

747
00:40:26.924 --> 00:40:31.262
If you come to me with a crazy idea,
then I'll really celebrate, okay?

748
00:40:31.345 --> 00:40:35.224
I love people
who have just outrageous dreams.

749
00:40:35.307 --> 00:40:37.935
I've put that out there now.
Now people walk up to me all the time,

750
00:40:38.018 --> 00:40:41.147
like, "I want to open a hot dog stand
where you can buy boots."

751
00:40:41.230 --> 00:40:43.357
I'm like,
"All right, let's figure it out."

752
00:40:45.234 --> 00:40:48.863
I like it, and I'll tell you this,
I want you to have crazy dreams.

753
00:40:48.946 --> 00:40:50.448
I'm serious. I really do.

754
00:40:50.531 --> 00:40:53.826
I'll give you the best advice, sincerely,
not a joke,

755
00:40:53.909 --> 00:40:56.036
that I ever got about pursuing a dream.

756
00:40:56.120 --> 00:40:58.372
And I hope it applies to all of you, okay?

757
00:40:58.456 --> 00:41:01.083
Here's the truth. I think-- This is true.

758
00:41:01.167 --> 00:41:07.173
As long as you accept that your dream
might not go exactly as you plan,

759
00:41:07.256 --> 00:41:10.718
you will still feel fulfilled
by the pursuit of your dream.

760
00:41:10.801 --> 00:41:12.720
So always go after
whatever you want to do.

761
00:41:12.803 --> 00:41:15.222
Otherwise, what's the point in living,
right?

762
00:41:15.306 --> 00:41:16.140
Yeah.

763
00:41:19.852 --> 00:41:23.522
Now, to further that point,
I'll tell you this.

764
00:41:23.606 --> 00:41:26.442
I remember, two years ago,
I'm sitting at a café

765
00:41:26.525 --> 00:41:28.068
in Los Angeles for lunch.

766
00:41:28.152 --> 00:41:29.153
I sit down.

767
00:41:29.236 --> 00:41:30.321
As I sit down,

768
00:41:30.404 --> 00:41:33.532
my friend, I can hear her audibly say,
"I can't believe I'm thinking that."

769
00:41:33.616 --> 00:41:36.076
And I go, "Thinking what?"
And she goes, "Oh, nothing."

770
00:41:36.160 --> 00:41:38.078
I go, "What is it?"
She goes, "It's embarrassing."

771
00:41:38.162 --> 00:41:41.749
And I go, "Just tell me." She goes,
"If I tell you, you'll make fun of me."

772
00:41:41.832 --> 00:41:43.876
And I go,
"I always make fun of you. Just say it."

773
00:41:44.460 --> 00:41:46.504
She goes, "It's just something
I want to keep inside."

774
00:41:46.587 --> 00:41:49.507
I go, "You said you want to do it.
So say it, then you can make it happen."

775
00:41:49.590 --> 00:41:52.510
She goes, "I don't want to." I go,
"If you don't put it out in the universe,

776
00:41:52.593 --> 00:41:54.845
it'll never happen.
You've gotta say it. What is it?"

777
00:41:54.929 --> 00:41:56.096
And she goes, "Okay.

778
00:41:56.180 --> 00:41:58.891
I want to blow somebody
in the Wu-Tang Clan."

779
00:42:06.065 --> 00:42:08.609
Now, I immediately think...

780
00:42:09.360 --> 00:42:11.195
"What would my mom say?" You know?

781
00:42:11.820 --> 00:42:13.989
And I tell myself, "Don't be like Mom.

782
00:42:15.032 --> 00:42:16.408
This is this girl's dream."

783
00:42:22.039 --> 00:42:23.874
So I look her dead in her eyes...

784
00:42:24.542 --> 00:42:26.293
and I go, "You should try.

785
00:42:28.546 --> 00:42:31.215
There's a bunch of them."
That's what I said. Now...

786
00:42:34.718 --> 00:42:36.262
Three months later...

787
00:42:37.012 --> 00:42:38.931
she got on their tour bus...

788
00:42:39.431 --> 00:42:42.101
and she told them, and guess what?

789
00:42:42.184 --> 00:42:44.603
They all accepted.

790
00:42:49.149 --> 00:42:51.360
If you are not familiar,

791
00:42:51.443 --> 00:42:54.154
there are nine guys...

792
00:42:55.030 --> 00:42:56.490
in the Wu-Tang Clan.

793
00:42:56.574 --> 00:42:57.616
Nine.

794
00:42:58.284 --> 00:42:59.577
[laughing] So many guys.

795
00:43:01.328 --> 00:43:02.288
That's so many--

796
00:43:02.371 --> 00:43:04.582
Can we park for a moment...

797
00:43:05.249 --> 00:43:07.084
at how many dicks nine is?

798
00:43:08.919 --> 00:43:11.880
I don't even understand how anyone's
sitting in their seat right now.

799
00:43:13.132 --> 00:43:16.218
There's people out here like, "Hmm,
what else you got?" Are you shitting me?

800
00:43:17.720 --> 00:43:18.596
That's not a lot?

801
00:43:18.679 --> 00:43:19.638
Close your eyes...

802
00:43:21.223 --> 00:43:22.933
and picture nine dicks.

803
00:43:24.101 --> 00:43:25.603
You're like, "God, they're everywhere."

804
00:43:25.686 --> 00:43:27.605
Yeah, 'cause there's nine of them.
That's why.

805
00:43:30.149 --> 00:43:31.609
I'm not slut-shaming.

806
00:43:31.692 --> 00:43:36.196
I'm saying, objectively,
nine is a lot of anything.

807
00:43:37.197 --> 00:43:39.992
Like, if I was like,
"I had cinnamon rolls today."

808
00:43:41.118 --> 00:43:43.203
And you're like, "How many did you have?"

809
00:43:44.330 --> 00:43:45.372
"I had nine."

810
00:43:51.629 --> 00:43:54.256
"You need me to take you
to the emergency room or...?

811
00:43:55.424 --> 00:43:58.218
You're gonna lose a foot by the morning.
We should go."

812
00:43:58.969 --> 00:44:00.346
Nine dicks?

813
00:44:00.429 --> 00:44:02.264
Are you fucking shitting me?

814
00:44:02.848 --> 00:44:06.101
Some of you,
it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks.

815
00:44:06.185 --> 00:44:08.312
This was a Thursday for this young lady.

816
00:44:13.692 --> 00:44:15.569
Try to imagine

817
00:44:15.653 --> 00:44:18.614
the physical labor involved...

818
00:44:19.323 --> 00:44:23.786
with blowing nine
probably not small dicks.

819
00:44:26.330 --> 00:44:31.085
If you're not aware, the Wu-Tang fellas
don't look like me, all right?

820
00:44:33.629 --> 00:44:36.173
That is some CrossFit shit at that level.

821
00:44:37.091 --> 00:44:39.134
If you think burpees are rough, try...

822
00:44:41.637 --> 00:44:43.263
"Am I doing good?

823
00:44:45.015 --> 00:44:46.558
Do you like me now?"

824
00:44:49.228 --> 00:44:53.357
After how many do you think she was like,
"Let's take a little break for a second.

825
00:44:55.150 --> 00:44:56.902
[whimpering]

826
00:44:58.445 --> 00:45:00.114
What the fuck am I doing?

827
00:45:02.741 --> 00:45:05.077
Why are they so mean about it?
[laughs]

828
00:45:08.247 --> 00:45:09.289
How many is that?

829
00:45:09.373 --> 00:45:10.708
Four! Fuck!

830
00:45:13.544 --> 00:45:14.545
Am I done?"

831
00:45:14.628 --> 00:45:16.672
And they're like, "No, you're not done!

832
00:45:17.047 --> 00:45:20.426
U-God, RZA, Rae, Ghost, Meth.
No, you're not done!"

833
00:45:25.222 --> 00:45:27.933
She's like, "But my neck hurts."

834
00:45:28.016 --> 00:45:31.729
And they're like, "You've got to protect
ya neck. Don't you listen to our music?"

835
00:45:32.104 --> 00:45:33.480
[crowd cheering]

836
00:45:38.777 --> 00:45:40.696
Yes. Yes.

837
00:45:40.779 --> 00:45:44.241
That is a top-shelf Wu-Tang blowjob joke.
Now...

838
00:45:45.784 --> 00:45:47.786
[sighs] She was a real animal, you know.

839
00:45:48.370 --> 00:45:51.165
I asked her one time, I was like,
"If you could go back to that day

840
00:45:51.248 --> 00:45:53.959
and do anything differently,
what would you have done?"

841
00:45:54.042 --> 00:45:56.670
And she said, "I'd have skipped lunch."
So...

842
00:45:56.754 --> 00:45:58.088
[crowd groaning, laughing]

843
00:45:58.172 --> 00:45:59.089
Yeah.

844
00:46:01.383 --> 00:46:03.469
Philly girl, what are you gonna do?
Now...

845
00:46:04.386 --> 00:46:05.763
[laughs]

846
00:46:06.138 --> 00:46:09.266
What were we talking about before?
Oh, yeah, my mom. So...

847
00:46:11.393 --> 00:46:13.771
[laughs] Here's how
I stopped arguing with her.

848
00:46:13.854 --> 00:46:17.399
I hope, if you're in a similar situation
with a parent,

849
00:46:17.483 --> 00:46:19.610
you have an epiphany the way I did.

850
00:46:19.693 --> 00:46:22.863
Here's the circumstance, right?
She calls me, late last year.

851
00:46:22.946 --> 00:46:26.033
There were fires in LA. And she goes...
[in Spanish accent] "Tommy..."

852
00:46:26.116 --> 00:46:28.410
She's not local, if you don't know yet.

853
00:46:29.369 --> 00:46:32.331
If you're like, "Why does she
talk so fucking weird?" Uh...

854
00:46:32.706 --> 00:46:33.957
She's from South America.

855
00:46:34.041 --> 00:46:35.626
Peru, to be specific. Okay.

856
00:46:35.709 --> 00:46:36.835
[crowd cheers]

857
00:46:36.919 --> 00:46:40.088
So she calls me, and she goes, "Tommy..."

858
00:46:40.172 --> 00:46:43.592
And I go, "Yeah?"
She goes, "The fires, they are bad?"

859
00:46:43.675 --> 00:46:44.968
And I go, "Yeah.

860
00:46:46.678 --> 00:46:49.014
Usually they're good,
but this is a bad one."

861
00:46:52.976 --> 00:46:55.103
And she goes, "People are dying?"

862
00:46:55.187 --> 00:46:57.022
I go, "If they're in the fire, yeah.

863
00:46:58.524 --> 00:46:59.358
It's fire."

864
00:47:00.609 --> 00:47:02.611
And she lives in Florida, so she goes,

865
00:47:02.694 --> 00:47:06.073
"You have fires, we have hurricanes.

866
00:47:08.158 --> 00:47:09.910
People are dying everywhere."

867
00:47:10.410 --> 00:47:12.120
And I go, "Sounds like
you have the news on.

868
00:47:12.204 --> 00:47:13.997
Is there anything else
you want to report?"

869
00:47:15.499 --> 00:47:18.001
And she goes,
"I think it's happening for a reason."

870
00:47:18.085 --> 00:47:20.671
And I go,
"It is. They're called weather patterns."

871
00:47:21.547 --> 00:47:22.589
And she goes, "No.

872
00:47:23.215 --> 00:47:26.468
I think God is trying to send us...

873
00:47:26.969 --> 00:47:28.011
a message."

874
00:47:29.721 --> 00:47:31.431
That's what I do. I go... [laughs]

875
00:47:33.016 --> 00:47:34.059
I go, "What's the message?"

876
00:47:34.142 --> 00:47:37.938
She goes, "I think he's trying to tell us
to be better people."

877
00:47:38.480 --> 00:47:43.527
You know when somebody says something,
and you can feel with certainty

878
00:47:43.610 --> 00:47:45.362
that you're gonna argue with them?

879
00:47:46.321 --> 00:47:48.866
Like, as words leave their lips,

880
00:47:48.949 --> 00:47:51.118
you're like,
"I'm gonna light you up pretty hard."

881
00:47:54.371 --> 00:47:57.457
I could feel seething anger growing,

882
00:47:57.541 --> 00:48:01.712
and I could hear my own argument
in my head. I could hear my own voice say,

883
00:48:01.795 --> 00:48:06.800
"You mean to tell me that our all-knowing
and all-loving and all-present God

884
00:48:06.884 --> 00:48:09.177
is setting people on fire...

885
00:48:09.845 --> 00:48:13.307
and drowning them in hurricanes
so that we hug more?

886
00:48:13.390 --> 00:48:16.560
This is the stupidest shit
I have ever heard in my entire life."

887
00:48:16.643 --> 00:48:18.645
[crowd cheering, applauding]

888
00:48:21.899 --> 00:48:22.733
But...

889
00:48:23.233 --> 00:48:25.944
right before I said it, I had that moment.

890
00:48:26.028 --> 00:48:28.530
I had that thought where I go,
"What is the point?

891
00:48:28.614 --> 00:48:31.158
Why argue with this demon woman?"

892
00:48:31.241 --> 00:48:32.075
You know?

893
00:48:32.743 --> 00:48:36.038
"Just let Lucifer's sister have her way.

894
00:48:37.539 --> 00:48:39.249
You're not gonna change her mind."

895
00:48:39.333 --> 00:48:42.169
So, for the first time in my life,
I took a deep breath,

896
00:48:42.252 --> 00:48:44.171
and I just went, "Yeah.

897
00:48:45.047 --> 00:48:47.257
I can see why he would do that.

898
00:48:48.175 --> 00:48:50.344
[sighs] Hope he stops killing us."

899
00:48:50.427 --> 00:48:51.637
[forced laughter]

900
00:48:52.554 --> 00:48:54.598
And she knew. She goes, "What?"

901
00:48:58.060 --> 00:49:01.104
I go, "You make a good point,"
and she goes, "Why are you doing this?"

902
00:49:03.523 --> 00:49:06.693
Why are you...
Meaning, "Why aren't you arguing with me?"

903
00:49:06.777 --> 00:49:11.323
I go, "Mom, I don't know. Who cares?
You're right. I'm wrong. So what?"

904
00:49:11.406 --> 00:49:13.617
And she goes, "Tommy, do you know what?"

905
00:49:13.700 --> 00:49:14.868
I go, "What?"

906
00:49:14.952 --> 00:49:17.788
She goes, "I always knew
you were a little bitch, Tommy."

907
00:49:21.959 --> 00:49:23.460
And I go, "What?"

908
00:49:24.127 --> 00:49:26.922
And she goes, <i>"Chao, puto,"</i>
and she hung up the phone.

909
00:49:32.552 --> 00:49:33.679
That's my mother.

910
00:49:35.430 --> 00:49:37.933
Okay, here's how I got her back.
It's pretty fun. Uh...

911
00:49:38.725 --> 00:49:39.893
I never curse her out.

912
00:49:39.977 --> 00:49:42.312
As much as I say crazy things,
I never curse...

913
00:49:42.396 --> 00:49:45.732
Even if I'm really mad, I can't do like,
"Fuck you!" I can't do it.

914
00:49:46.233 --> 00:49:50.070
It doesn't sit right.
I prefer psychological warfare, you know?

915
00:49:50.570 --> 00:49:54.116
Yeah. I like knowing
that I can ask my mother a question,

916
00:49:54.199 --> 00:49:56.743
and the mere mention of that question

917
00:49:56.827 --> 00:49:59.788
might terrorize her mind
for years to come.

918
00:50:00.622 --> 00:50:03.792
So I decided I would ruin one of her days.

919
00:50:03.875 --> 00:50:05.043
So I chose Christmas.

920
00:50:05.127 --> 00:50:06.503
So here's what I did, okay?

921
00:50:07.713 --> 00:50:08.839
[laughing]

922
00:50:09.381 --> 00:50:15.846
Christmas morning, my parents
and their five dogs are at my house.

923
00:50:15.929 --> 00:50:19.266
My mother is in a fantastic mood, okay?

924
00:50:19.349 --> 00:50:22.894
She is a Latina woman
on Christmas morning.

925
00:50:23.729 --> 00:50:26.440
You don't understand
this type of joy, all right?

926
00:50:26.523 --> 00:50:28.316
She's, like, cooking and dancing.
She's like...

927
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:30.402
[vocalizing]

928
00:50:31.486 --> 00:50:33.989
♪ <i>Baby Jesús is here today ♪</i>

929
00:50:35.240 --> 00:50:37.534
Just doing her spic shit, you know, so...

930
00:50:41.455 --> 00:50:42.372
It's my mom.

931
00:50:42.456 --> 00:50:43.331
Okay, so...

932
00:50:44.750 --> 00:50:45.834
I see her.

933
00:50:46.585 --> 00:50:48.336
[laughing]

934
00:50:49.921 --> 00:50:53.133
Yeah. I go, "Mom."

935
00:50:53.216 --> 00:50:55.260
And she goes, "Yes?"

936
00:50:56.136 --> 00:50:59.222
Like, I could feel the joy coming off her,

937
00:50:59.306 --> 00:51:01.224
and I'm like, "Now's a good time."

938
00:51:02.934 --> 00:51:04.895
I go, "Mom, have you ever thought about

939
00:51:04.978 --> 00:51:07.647
how you're gonna have to bury
each one of those dogs?"

940
00:51:07.731 --> 00:51:09.483
[crowd gasps]

941
00:51:12.402 --> 00:51:14.154
She goes, "Why would you say that?"

942
00:51:15.739 --> 00:51:17.199
And I go, "I don't know."

943
00:51:20.035 --> 00:51:21.411
I go, "Do you ever think about

944
00:51:21.495 --> 00:51:25.165
-what you'll do if Dad dies before you?"
-[woman] Oh, my God!

945
00:51:28.460 --> 00:51:29.878
She goes... [tearfully] "No.

946
00:51:30.587 --> 00:51:32.255
I've never thought about this."

947
00:51:33.131 --> 00:51:35.133
And I go, "Well, I'm asking you, so...

948
00:51:35.717 --> 00:51:36.551
think about it."

949
00:51:38.720 --> 00:51:40.305
And she goes, "I will pray...

950
00:51:40.931 --> 00:51:44.059
and I will hope to die the same day."

951
00:51:45.102 --> 00:51:46.770
I go,
"That'd actually be super convenient.

952
00:51:46.853 --> 00:51:48.021
Like as far as...

953
00:51:48.522 --> 00:51:51.149
planning the funerals
and going over the wills.

954
00:51:51.233 --> 00:51:53.902
If you can pull it off,
I think we'd all be on board."

955
00:51:55.821 --> 00:51:58.073
She goes...
[sobbing] "Merry Christmas, Tom."

956
00:52:00.408 --> 00:52:02.536
I go, "Merry Christmas to you too." And...

957
00:52:03.245 --> 00:52:05.539
my dad is sitting two feet away.

958
00:52:06.248 --> 00:52:09.209
He hasn't heard
one word of the conversation.

959
00:52:09.751 --> 00:52:13.213
He's just in dad mode, checked out,
staring at ceiling lights.

960
00:52:13.296 --> 00:52:14.172
You know, like...

961
00:52:18.135 --> 00:52:20.846
You call his attention,
it just snaps him out of a flashback.

962
00:52:20.929 --> 00:52:22.430
I'm like, "Hey, Dad--" "Yeah!"

963
00:52:23.932 --> 00:52:24.766
Jesus.

964
00:52:29.437 --> 00:52:30.772
I asked him the same thing.

965
00:52:30.856 --> 00:52:31.690
I go, "Hey, man,

966
00:52:31.773 --> 00:52:35.193
have you ever thought about what you'd do
if Mom dies before you?"

967
00:52:35.277 --> 00:52:37.946
He goes, "I like blondes,
and I like big tits, buddy."

968
00:52:43.618 --> 00:52:46.496
"Sounds like you've been
thinking about that quite a bit."

969
00:52:47.372 --> 00:52:48.957
And he goes, "Every night, pal.

970
00:52:49.499 --> 00:52:50.458
Every night."

971
00:52:50.542 --> 00:52:53.920
I'm just like... [laughs]
"You guys have different dreams, I guess."

972
00:52:54.296 --> 00:52:56.006
That guy. Oh, my God.

973
00:52:56.798 --> 00:52:59.384
Nothing like men in their 70s, right?
[groans]

974
00:53:00.135 --> 00:53:02.762
My dad's at that really cool place
in his life

975
00:53:02.846 --> 00:53:07.767
where he says things that are true
that provide relief to no one.

976
00:53:09.352 --> 00:53:12.731
Like, this week I call him up,
and I'm like, "What's up?"

977
00:53:12.814 --> 00:53:15.775
He goes, "You know, gays don't bother me."
And I was like...

978
00:53:17.444 --> 00:53:18.278
"That's good."

979
00:53:19.404 --> 00:53:22.115
He goes, "They're just living their life.
Why would I get upset?"

980
00:53:22.199 --> 00:53:23.700
And I'm like, "I don't know."

981
00:53:27.454 --> 00:53:31.208
And then it's just quiet on the phone.
I'm like, "Are we done talking right now?"

982
00:53:33.043 --> 00:53:36.296
He's like, "No, I'm just thinking."
"Oh, it's fun to listen to...

983
00:53:37.839 --> 00:53:39.341
as you breathe into the..."

984
00:53:39.424 --> 00:53:40.800
[breathing heavily]

985
00:53:42.510 --> 00:53:44.721
And he goes,
"Your mother and I are going on a cruise."

986
00:53:44.804 --> 00:53:46.389
And I go, "Okay, have fun."

987
00:53:46.890 --> 00:53:50.018
And I ask him, I go, "Which cruise line?"
And he goes, "Carnival."

988
00:53:50.101 --> 00:53:52.938
And I'm like, "Wait,
isn't that, like, the party cruise?"

989
00:53:53.146 --> 00:53:54.564
And my dad's response...

990
00:53:55.273 --> 00:53:57.901
I swear on my children...

991
00:53:58.610 --> 00:53:59.819
was, "Buddy,

992
00:53:59.903 --> 00:54:01.571
there's no other way to say it.

993
00:54:02.155 --> 00:54:04.741
I love watching black people have fun."

994
00:54:11.039 --> 00:54:11.873
What?

995
00:54:14.125 --> 00:54:17.671
I mean, we all do, but to say it out loud?

996
00:54:18.713 --> 00:54:19.965
It's fucking crazy.

997
00:54:22.050 --> 00:54:26.680
Can you picture my dad on the aftdeck
of a Carnival cruise, just like...

998
00:54:32.018 --> 00:54:35.188
"Those blacks are having fun.
Let's get some food. This is fun."

999
00:54:36.940 --> 00:54:37.857
[laughs]

1000
00:54:39.651 --> 00:54:41.111
All right, let's get serious.

1001
00:54:42.862 --> 00:54:45.156
Guys, I think it's time

1002
00:54:45.240 --> 00:54:48.451
we have to start taking better care
of the environment.

1003
00:54:49.119 --> 00:54:50.495
All right? Yeah.

1004
00:54:50.578 --> 00:54:51.496
[crowd cheering]

1005
00:54:51.579 --> 00:54:52.414
Absolutely.

1006
00:54:52.998 --> 00:54:57.669
And I think that responsibility
falls on the poor. And here's why.

1007
00:54:59.045 --> 00:55:00.547
You're already in my trash.

1008
00:55:00.630 --> 00:55:02.924
How about you separate
the glass from the plastic?

1009
00:55:03.008 --> 00:55:05.427
[crowd laughing, whistling]

1010
00:55:05.510 --> 00:55:06.469
Yeah.

1011
00:55:07.095 --> 00:55:09.556
It sounds like there's some poor people
over here.

1012
00:55:10.515 --> 00:55:12.642
And that's fucking disgusting. Now...

1013
00:55:15.103 --> 00:55:16.563
Here's what I know for sure.

1014
00:55:17.063 --> 00:55:19.190
Poor people love the Bible, okay?

1015
00:55:21.318 --> 00:55:23.570
And they love it
because it's the only book

1016
00:55:23.653 --> 00:55:25.155
you get for free. Now...

1017
00:55:28.992 --> 00:55:30.702
Try getting another book for free.

1018
00:55:31.202 --> 00:55:32.871
Let me know how that shit goes.

1019
00:55:33.747 --> 00:55:36.374
Can you imagine being so dumb...

1020
00:55:42.464 --> 00:55:45.008
that you're superstitious?

1021
00:55:48.261 --> 00:55:51.348
Imagine being so impossibly stupid.

1022
00:55:51.431 --> 00:55:56.561
Personally, I have nothing but contempt
for all superstitions

1023
00:55:56.644 --> 00:55:58.396
and all superstitious people.

1024
00:55:58.480 --> 00:55:59.481
I hate all of them.

1025
00:55:59.564 --> 00:56:02.400
I hate riding in the car with someone
who's like,

1026
00:56:02.484 --> 00:56:04.694
"We're about to drive over a bridge."

1027
00:56:04.944 --> 00:56:06.363
[gasps, grunting]

1028
00:56:10.867 --> 00:56:13.703
Like, "I'm gonna get out of the car,
and I hope you drive off this bridge.

1029
00:56:13.787 --> 00:56:14.621
I really do."

1030
00:56:15.914 --> 00:56:18.666
They're all dumb. "It's 11:11."

1031
00:56:18.958 --> 00:56:19.959
[imitating laughter]

1032
00:56:21.503 --> 00:56:22.420
"Make a wish."

1033
00:56:22.504 --> 00:56:26.174
I wish you would drink
a smoothie of cyanide and broken rocks.

1034
00:56:26.257 --> 00:56:27.217
That's what I wish.

1035
00:56:30.136 --> 00:56:31.262
They should all upset you,

1036
00:56:31.346 --> 00:56:34.391
but there's one that should make you
march in the streets. I'm serious.

1037
00:56:34.474 --> 00:56:36.559
I cannot believe that we live

1038
00:56:36.643 --> 00:56:40.271
in this incredibly wealthy,
developed nation,

1039
00:56:40.355 --> 00:56:43.233
and, collectively, we all just accept

1040
00:56:43.316 --> 00:56:48.988
that hotels, even some office buildings,
just don't have to have a 13th floor.

1041
00:56:49.072 --> 00:56:50.990
Like, do you understand...

1042
00:56:51.574 --> 00:56:54.661
that we're throwing away
sequential numbers

1043
00:56:54.744 --> 00:56:57.414
because people are like... [muttering]

1044
00:56:59.749 --> 00:57:02.877
You can go to a nice hotel,
the fucking Four Seasons,

1045
00:57:02.961 --> 00:57:05.797
it'll go 12th floor, 14th floor.

1046
00:57:05.880 --> 00:57:08.842
And if you go, "I'm sorry,
why isn't there a 13th floor?"

1047
00:57:08.925 --> 00:57:10.844
"Well, that's a spooky number.

1048
00:57:13.638 --> 00:57:17.559
And if we had it,
there'd be ghosts and goblins up there.

1049
00:57:21.855 --> 00:57:23.356
So we took it away,

1050
00:57:24.149 --> 00:57:25.650
and now it's not so scary."

1051
00:57:27.068 --> 00:57:28.903
And you're like, "Are you fucking Cajun?

1052
00:57:28.987 --> 00:57:31.114
Is that really what we're doing
right now?"

1053
00:57:31.197 --> 00:57:32.740
[crowd cheering]

1054
00:57:33.533 --> 00:57:34.367
I don't know.

1055
00:57:35.285 --> 00:57:36.119
Yeah.

1056
00:57:37.537 --> 00:57:39.581
You guys like that one,
but that Bible one...

1057
00:57:39.664 --> 00:57:40.582
[grunts]

1058
00:57:42.041 --> 00:57:44.878
You pulled back on that.
You guys were like... [grunting]

1059
00:57:50.091 --> 00:57:51.551
"He listens to every show."

1060
00:57:51.634 --> 00:57:52.927
[shushing]

1061
00:57:55.472 --> 00:57:57.098
It's cool.
I talked to him before the show.

1062
00:57:57.182 --> 00:57:59.642
He said it was a good angle.
Don't worry about it. Now...

1063
00:58:00.477 --> 00:58:02.020
[laughing]

1064
00:58:05.064 --> 00:58:08.234
I'm not calling you stupid
if you're religious, okay?

1065
00:58:08.318 --> 00:58:09.194
That's a cheap shot.

1066
00:58:09.277 --> 00:58:11.905
If religion gives you comfort,
I think that's great.

1067
00:58:11.988 --> 00:58:13.865
I would not call you stupid for that.

1068
00:58:13.948 --> 00:58:16.910
I would only call you stupid
if you read your horoscope.

1069
00:58:16.993 --> 00:58:18.536
[laughs] And, uh...

1070
00:58:21.331 --> 00:58:25.502
you make life decisions based on...

1071
00:58:25.585 --> 00:58:27.003
[gibbering]

1072
00:58:28.755 --> 00:58:30.757
...what the planets are doing. [laughs]

1073
00:58:31.132 --> 00:58:35.136
I don't know if you've ever spent time
with one of these non-contributors, but...

1074
00:58:36.221 --> 00:58:38.181
they're usually sharing their wisdom,

1075
00:58:38.264 --> 00:58:41.017
like, "You've got to go for it,
'cause you're a Pisces."

1076
00:58:41.100 --> 00:58:42.227
[gibbering]

1077
00:58:44.270 --> 00:58:45.355
Thanks, Doc.

1078
00:58:45.939 --> 00:58:48.441
Those are the same people
that think it's a miracle

1079
00:58:48.525 --> 00:58:50.527
to share a birthday with someone.

1080
00:58:51.110 --> 00:58:52.695
Like that's a noteworthy event.

1081
00:58:53.530 --> 00:58:55.949
And then you get to explain
how that's not weird.

1082
00:58:56.032 --> 00:58:58.201
"Well, there's a lot of us and...

1083
00:58:59.452 --> 00:59:01.913
not that many options.
It's gonna happen all the time."

1084
00:59:02.539 --> 00:59:04.415
Those people... [groans]

1085
00:59:04.499 --> 00:59:09.629
But the ones who make me
immediately homicidal are...

1086
00:59:10.213 --> 00:59:14.759
people who get excited
about a close-to-each-other birthday.

1087
00:59:15.843 --> 00:59:18.972
As if that is worth wasting a breath on.

1088
00:59:19.931 --> 00:59:21.891
I get this in hotels once a month.

1089
00:59:21.975 --> 00:59:23.393
I check into a hotel,

1090
00:59:23.476 --> 00:59:25.687
the guy will take my ID,
and he'll be like...

1091
00:59:25.770 --> 00:59:26.896
[chuckling]

1092
00:59:28.189 --> 00:59:29.315
"You're April 16th?

1093
00:59:29.816 --> 00:59:30.900
I'm April 3rd."

1094
00:59:37.031 --> 00:59:40.660
I go, "Hold on a second!

1095
00:59:43.037 --> 00:59:44.289
You mean to tell me...

1096
00:59:45.665 --> 00:59:47.041
two weeks...

1097
00:59:47.917 --> 00:59:49.335
before I was born...

1098
00:59:50.378 --> 00:59:51.337
you were born?

1099
00:59:53.673 --> 00:59:55.675
-[moans]
-[crowd cheering, screaming]

1100
00:59:59.220 --> 01:00:00.179
[man howls]

1101
01:00:00.513 --> 01:00:02.432
-[crowd whistling]
-[grunting]

1102
01:00:07.353 --> 01:00:10.440
Yeah. I've got panty pudding now."

1103
01:00:13.234 --> 01:00:14.819
Panty pudding?

1104
01:00:15.445 --> 01:00:16.696
[groaning]

1105
01:00:16.779 --> 01:00:17.739
Gross.

1106
01:00:19.115 --> 01:00:21.409
I remember the girl who said it. It was...

1107
01:00:22.327 --> 01:00:24.329
2002 and...

1108
01:00:25.288 --> 01:00:27.165
a lot of you will not like this.

1109
01:00:29.000 --> 01:00:34.172
But that year, Ohio State won
the national championship in football.

1110
01:00:34.255 --> 01:00:35.965
[crowd cheering, booing]

1111
01:00:36.716 --> 01:00:41.387
Whoa. It's almost like you care more
about football than the Bible.

1112
01:00:41.471 --> 01:00:42.388
But anyway...

1113
01:00:42.472 --> 01:00:44.724
[crowd cheering, applauding]

1114
01:00:47.393 --> 01:00:48.227
I know.

1115
01:00:48.311 --> 01:00:50.188
Boo, history. Anyway...

1116
01:00:51.272 --> 01:00:52.398
I was with this girl.

1117
01:00:52.482 --> 01:00:54.359
I met her the day after the game.

1118
01:00:54.442 --> 01:00:57.320
She was from Columbus,
where the school is located.

1119
01:00:57.403 --> 01:00:59.530
I said something casually. I just said it.

1120
01:00:59.614 --> 01:01:03.576
I was like, "Oh, you're from Columbus?
You guys won the title. Are you excited?"

1121
01:01:03.660 --> 01:01:07.914
And she goes, "Excited?
I've got panty pudding."

1122
01:01:09.207 --> 01:01:10.375
And I was like...

1123
01:01:10.667 --> 01:01:11.668
[groans]

1124
01:01:13.628 --> 01:01:16.255
And then I fucked her because...

1125
01:01:17.340 --> 01:01:19.592
she was a dirty girl, all right?

1126
01:01:19.676 --> 01:01:21.761
And she was not lying.

1127
01:01:21.844 --> 01:01:24.472
That shit was like tapioca.
You had to scoop it out.

1128
01:01:25.556 --> 01:01:26.766
Over your shoulder.

1129
01:01:28.559 --> 01:01:30.770
Do you think Cosby still eats pudding?

1130
01:01:34.315 --> 01:01:40.947
I often wonder if he has maintained
his sense of humor on the inside.

1131
01:01:41.030 --> 01:01:44.784
Do you think he teases the fellas
on the way to the shower?

1132
01:01:45.535 --> 01:01:49.288
Do you think he's like, "Hey, don't put
your pudding pop in my raisin cake."

1133
01:01:55.378 --> 01:01:56.212
Like that?

1134
01:02:00.925 --> 01:02:03.386
And they're like,
"Man, Bill's crazy as shit, huh?

1135
01:02:04.137 --> 01:02:06.472
Let me get a cigarette, Bill!"
All right, so...

1136
01:02:07.598 --> 01:02:08.433
[laughs]

1137
01:02:10.393 --> 01:02:11.602
You can tell I like you.

1138
01:02:13.104 --> 01:02:14.105
Yeah. You know why?

1139
01:02:14.188 --> 01:02:16.858
'Cause I told you an old sex story
from my life.

1140
01:02:16.941 --> 01:02:18.901
I think, 100% of the time
when that happens,

1141
01:02:18.985 --> 01:02:22.363
when somebody tells you an old story
like that from their life,

1142
01:02:22.447 --> 01:02:25.158
it's because they like you
and they seek your approval.

1143
01:02:25.700 --> 01:02:27.410
-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah. Absolutely. Dude...

1144
01:02:28.619 --> 01:02:30.455
Who tells you the best stories?

1145
01:02:30.538 --> 01:02:32.790
It's always people newish to your life.

1146
01:02:32.874 --> 01:02:35.585
Why? Because they're giving you
the best they've got.

1147
01:02:35.668 --> 01:02:37.170
They want to impress you.

1148
01:02:37.253 --> 01:02:40.590
Who tells you the worst stories?
Your best friends.

1149
01:02:42.383 --> 01:02:44.844
They know you're not going anywhere.
Your best friends are like,

1150
01:02:44.927 --> 01:02:47.388
"I fucked my wife,"
and you're like, "Shut up.

1151
01:02:49.140 --> 01:02:51.851
We're about to eat. I know her.
Shut the fuck up, man."

1152
01:02:52.852 --> 01:02:54.353
Then they're like, "It's a good story."

1153
01:02:54.437 --> 01:02:56.731
"Okay, what?"
"Well, she didn't really want to do it."

1154
01:02:57.732 --> 01:03:00.985
[sighs] "But I kept bothering her
and bothering her.

1155
01:03:02.153 --> 01:03:03.696
And she finally broke down.

1156
01:03:04.614 --> 01:03:06.032
She really just laid still."

1157
01:03:06.115 --> 01:03:08.868
You're like, "What are you? Ted Bundy?
This is a terrible story."

1158
01:03:10.745 --> 01:03:12.872
I'll tell you a fun story, all right?

1159
01:03:12.955 --> 01:03:17.627
When I first got to LA, many years ago,
I met a girl in a bar.

1160
01:03:17.710 --> 01:03:19.253
She took me back to her place.

1161
01:03:19.337 --> 01:03:22.089
We started messing around.
I signed the consent forms.

1162
01:03:23.549 --> 01:03:24.884
We start messing around.

1163
01:03:24.967 --> 01:03:27.762
As we're doing it, she reaches around,

1164
01:03:27.845 --> 01:03:29.931
she puts a finger in me, and I go...

1165
01:03:30.014 --> 01:03:30.932
[gasps]

1166
01:03:31.849 --> 01:03:33.684
And she goes, "Mmm?"

1167
01:03:34.894 --> 01:03:36.813
And I go, "Oh, yeah."

1168
01:03:40.024 --> 01:03:42.276
That's it. That's the end of the story.
Right.

1169
01:03:46.030 --> 01:03:47.532
Go for your dreams. [laughs]

1170
01:03:48.741 --> 01:03:52.495
I do mean that. I know it sounds cheesy,
but I don't mean it to. I just...

1171
01:03:52.578 --> 01:03:53.996
Here's why I think about it so much.

1172
01:03:54.080 --> 01:03:57.083
I meet so many people. Okay?
I meet way more people than you.

1173
01:03:57.542 --> 01:03:58.459
Um...

1174
01:03:58.751 --> 01:04:00.127
It's not even close. So...

1175
01:04:01.212 --> 01:04:03.297
Here's the thing.
People usually say nice things to me.

1176
01:04:03.381 --> 01:04:05.633
They're like, "Thanks for coming.
I had a good time."

1177
01:04:05.716 --> 01:04:09.595
Conversations naturally will turn,
and I'll ask somebody, "What do you do?"

1178
01:04:09.679 --> 01:04:11.639
Do you know what I hear
like 98% of the time?

1179
01:04:11.722 --> 01:04:14.058
They'll be like,
"It fucking sucks. I hate it."

1180
01:04:14.642 --> 01:04:16.352
Then I go,
"Why don't you do something else?"

1181
01:04:16.435 --> 01:04:19.689
They go, "It's too late. My life's fucked.
Good to meet you, man" and they walk away.

1182
01:04:20.314 --> 01:04:21.858
Yeah, that sits in my head.

1183
01:04:22.441 --> 01:04:23.442
So I think about it.

1184
01:04:23.526 --> 01:04:26.863
But I have advice. This is the advice
that I hope you'll leave with, all right?

1185
01:04:26.946 --> 01:04:30.157
This is it. You just need to learn
to do one thing really well.

1186
01:04:30.241 --> 01:04:31.075
And it's this.

1187
01:04:31.158 --> 01:04:34.412
You need to learn
to manage your expectations.

1188
01:04:34.495 --> 01:04:37.290
It's not an innate thing you're born with.
It's a skill.

1189
01:04:37.373 --> 01:04:39.542
If you work at it, you'll get good at it.

1190
01:04:39.625 --> 01:04:43.254
The more you manage your expectations,
you'll feel more fulfilled,

1191
01:04:43.337 --> 01:04:45.923
less depressed, happier overall.

1192
01:04:46.549 --> 01:04:49.218
I'll share with you
my life's greatest disappointment,

1193
01:04:49.302 --> 01:04:51.345
which, in retrospect, is my fault.

1194
01:04:51.429 --> 01:04:53.389
I didn't know it at the time. I do now.

1195
01:04:53.472 --> 01:04:56.267
And I'm gonna tell you
it's gonna be upsetting to some people.

1196
01:04:56.851 --> 01:05:00.354
But hopefully, we can use it
as a learning tool, so...

1197
01:05:01.314 --> 01:05:03.232
Here's what it is, all right? [groans]

1198
01:05:03.316 --> 01:05:07.945
I think that sixty-nining is overrated,
and it sucks.

1199
01:05:08.404 --> 01:05:10.072
[crowd cheering, applauding]

1200
01:05:10.656 --> 01:05:12.992
Yeah. Yeah, you see that?
Some people clap.

1201
01:05:13.075 --> 01:05:15.661
Some people are like, "Arrest this man."
But listen.

1202
01:05:16.913 --> 01:05:19.123
The story of why is more important.

1203
01:05:19.206 --> 01:05:21.334
Do you remember
when you first heard about it? I do.

1204
01:05:21.417 --> 01:05:24.170
I was in third grade.
And that's too young. All right?

1205
01:05:25.338 --> 01:05:27.965
One of the older kids told me,
and I was like, "What?

1206
01:05:29.342 --> 01:05:30.676
At the same time?"

1207
01:05:32.303 --> 01:05:34.847
I almost had a seizure.
I didn't know what he was saying.

1208
01:05:35.306 --> 01:05:38.184
I didn't even have references
so I could pretend like I understood.

1209
01:05:38.267 --> 01:05:41.187
I was like, "That's like eating
a cheeseburger covered in ice cream

1210
01:05:41.270 --> 01:05:43.356
while you're taking a shit or something."

1211
01:05:45.107 --> 01:05:47.526
And he was like,
"That's exactly what it's like."

1212
01:05:48.903 --> 01:05:50.363
From that day on, I was hooked.

1213
01:05:50.446 --> 01:05:54.408
When I tell you I was obsessed,
I was obsessed.

1214
01:05:54.492 --> 01:05:56.202
I'm not saying it for a story.

1215
01:05:56.285 --> 01:05:58.913
It is all I talked about, thought about,
dreamt about,

1216
01:05:58.996 --> 01:06:01.499
sung about, joked about,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..."

1217
01:06:01.582 --> 01:06:04.669
Every notebook in school, I was like,
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine..."

1218
01:06:04.877 --> 01:06:07.630
Every sports team I was on,
I was like, "I'm number 69!"

1219
01:06:09.006 --> 01:06:10.883
They were like,
"This is fifth grade basketball.

1220
01:06:10.967 --> 01:06:12.593
Why don't you chill out, buddy?"

1221
01:06:13.928 --> 01:06:16.180
Every birthday, Christmas,
my dad'd go, "What do you want?"

1222
01:06:16.263 --> 01:06:19.767
I'd go, "I want a sixty-nine."
He'd go, "Shut up and stop saying that!"

1223
01:06:20.184 --> 01:06:22.144
And I was like, "No!" Defiant. "No!"

1224
01:06:22.770 --> 01:06:26.107
"Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It's gonna be
the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine.

1225
01:06:26.190 --> 01:06:29.276
It'll be like smoking meth
out of God's dick. I want to do it."

1226
01:06:30.695 --> 01:06:33.531
And I built it up, and I built it up,
and I built it up,

1227
01:06:33.614 --> 01:06:36.492
and when I finally got to do it,
I finally got to do it,

1228
01:06:36.575 --> 01:06:39.787
you know what the first thing I said was?
"Get off me. All right?"

1229
01:06:40.955 --> 01:06:41.998
My neck hurts.

1230
01:06:42.498 --> 01:06:44.417
I can't get my nose out of the way.

1231
01:06:45.918 --> 01:06:47.837
Does it feel good?
It feels like I'm working.

1232
01:06:47.920 --> 01:06:51.340
All right, it'd feel better
if you flipped over and polished me off,

1233
01:06:51.424 --> 01:06:52.675
and then I'll do you.

1234
01:06:52.758 --> 01:06:55.428
Why's it got to be at the same time?

1235
01:06:55.636 --> 01:06:57.304
Are we late for something?

1236
01:07:02.018 --> 01:07:02.935
Uh...

1237
01:07:04.353 --> 01:07:07.940
Is the youth pastor coming back
in a few minutes?

1238
01:07:09.275 --> 01:07:13.362
Let's take turns,
like we learned in kindergarten.

1239
01:07:14.447 --> 01:07:17.199
What type of maniac sixty-nines
as an adult?

1240
01:07:17.283 --> 01:07:18.492
I mean, if you're a guy,

1241
01:07:18.576 --> 01:07:20.911
I hope you're at least
a gentleman about it

1242
01:07:20.995 --> 01:07:22.371
and you lay on your back

1243
01:07:22.455 --> 01:07:26.500
and you're not one of these savage
fucking pigs...

1244
01:07:28.627 --> 01:07:31.005
who's like, "I prefer this angle.

1245
01:07:32.256 --> 01:07:35.468
And then you can hear the fight to live
underneath you."

1246
01:07:37.511 --> 01:07:39.513
[gagging]

1247
01:07:40.514 --> 01:07:44.185
And you're like, "Yeah, that feels good."
I bet it fucking does feel good.

1248
01:07:44.852 --> 01:07:47.938
As you're throating that poor lady
underneath you.

1249
01:07:48.439 --> 01:07:52.276
I don't think there's
a more horrific picture I can paint...

1250
01:07:53.319 --> 01:07:56.197
than that of a woman, a lovely woman...

1251
01:07:56.280 --> 01:07:59.325
Like, picture your mom
laying on her back...

1252
01:08:00.826 --> 01:08:04.622
in anticipation of sixty-nining
from the bottom.

1253
01:08:05.456 --> 01:08:07.500
And she's like, "What the fuck?"

1254
01:08:08.542 --> 01:08:10.503
And she's got that look on her face,

1255
01:08:10.586 --> 01:08:13.506
like, "Is the search party
gonna find me here?"

1256
01:08:14.423 --> 01:08:17.093
And then a man, a disgusting man...

1257
01:08:19.136 --> 01:08:21.889
like me, is like,
"Well, saddle up. Here we go."

1258
01:08:23.849 --> 01:08:25.975
There's dingleberries and lint.

1259
01:08:26.935 --> 01:08:29.939
And here's your mom, and I'm like...
[grunting]

1260
01:08:30.314 --> 01:08:31.148
[laughs]

1261
01:08:31.232 --> 01:08:34.693
And then, if I do that,
I hear, "What's on my forehead?"

1262
01:08:36.529 --> 01:08:38.029
And I'm like, "That's my gut.

1263
01:08:38.113 --> 01:08:39.115
[laughs]

1264
01:08:40.116 --> 01:08:42.493
That's Daddy's wet trash bag gut."

1265
01:08:43.577 --> 01:08:45.996
Austin, you were a blast.
Thanks for coming out tonight.

1266
01:08:46.080 --> 01:08:48.332
-Appreciate it very much.
-[crowd cheering]

1267
01:08:48.415 --> 01:08:50.792
See you next time. Good night.
See you, buddy.

1268
01:08:51.417 --> 01:08:53.587
["Protect Ya Neck"
by Wu-Tang Clan playing]

1269
01:08:53.671 --> 01:08:54.964
<i>♪ You best protect ya neck ♪</i>

1270
01:08:55.046 --> 01:08:56.465
♪<i> Wu-Tang Clan comin' at you </i>♪

1271
01:08:56.549 --> 01:08:58.551
<i>♪ Watch your step, kid</i>
<i>Watch your step, kid ♪</i>

1272
01:08:58.634 --> 01:09:00.553
<i>♪ Watch your step, kid</i>
<i>Watch your step, kid ♪</i>

1273
01:09:00.636 --> 01:09:03.389
<i>-♪ Watch your step, kid ♪</i>
<i>-♪ The Inspectah Deck ♪</i>

1274
01:09:03.471 --> 01:09:05.599
<i>♪ I smoke on the mic</i>
<i>Like Smokin' Joe Frazier ♪</i>

1275
01:09:05.683 --> 01:09:08.310
<i>♪ The hell-raiser</i>
<i>Raising hell with the flavor ♪</i>

1276
01:09:08.394 --> 01:09:10.563
<i>♪ Terrorize the jam</i>
<i>Like troops in Pakistan ♪</i>

1277
01:09:10.645 --> 01:09:13.189
<i>♪ Swinging through your town</i>
<i>Like your neighborhood Spider-Man ♪</i>

1278
01:09:13.274 --> 01:09:15.192
<i>♪ So, uh, ticktock and keep ticking ♪</i>

1279
01:09:15.276 --> 01:09:17.569
<i>♪ While I get you flipping</i>
<i>Off the sh** I'm kicking ♪</i>

1280
01:09:17.653 --> 01:09:20.072
<i>♪ The Lone Ranger, code red, danger ♪</i>

1281
01:09:20.156 --> 01:09:22.867
<i>♪ Deep in the dark with the art</i>
<i>To rip the charts apart ♪</i>

1282
01:09:22.950 --> 01:09:24.577
<i>♪ The vandal, too hot to handle ♪</i>

1283
01:09:24.660 --> 01:09:27.162
<i>♪ You battle, you're saying goodbye</i>
<i>Like Tevin Campbell ♪</i>

1284
01:09:27.246 --> 01:09:29.290
<i>♪ Roughneck, Inspectah Deck's on the set ♪</i>

1285
01:09:29.372 --> 01:09:31.667
<i>♪ The rebel, I make more noise</i>
<i>Than heavy metal ♪</i>

1286
01:09:31.750 --> 01:09:33.460
<i>♪ The way I make the crowd go wild ♪</i>

1287
01:09:33.544 --> 01:09:35.337
<i>♪ Sit back, relax, won't smile ♪</i>

1288
01:09:35.421 --> 01:09:39.049
<i>♪ Rae got it going on, pal</i>
<i>Call me the rap assassinator ♪</i>

1289
01:09:39.133 --> 01:09:41.343
<i>♪ Rhymes rugged</i>
<i>And built like Schwarzenegger ♪</i>

1290
01:09:41.426 --> 01:09:43.470
<i>♪ And I'mma get mad deep like a threat ♪</i>

1291
01:09:43.554 --> 01:09:46.640
<i>♪ Blow up your project</i>
<i>Then take all your assets ♪</i>

1292
01:09:46.724 --> 01:09:48.767
<i>♪ 'Cause I came to shake</i>
<i>The frame in half ♪</i>

1293
01:09:48.850 --> 01:09:50.895
<i>♪ With the thoughts</i>
<i>That bomb shit like math ♪</i>

1294
01:09:50.978 --> 01:09:53.439
<i>♪ So if you wanna try to flip</i>
<i>Go flip on the next man ♪</i>

1295
01:09:53.522 --> 01:09:55.191
<i>♪ 'Cause I grab the clip and ♪</i>

1296
01:09:55.274 --> 01:09:57.568
<i>♪ Hit you with 16 shots and more, I got ♪</i>

1297
01:09:57.651 --> 01:09:59.945
<i>♪ Going to war with the melting pot, hot ♪</i>

1298
01:10:00.029 --> 01:10:02.281
<i>♪ It's the Method Man</i>
<i>For short "Mr. Meth" ♪</i>

1299
01:10:02.364 --> 01:10:04.575
<i>♪ Moving on your left, ah ♪</i>