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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Now, this is the fancy option.
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:11,970
Like what Mrs. Peanut
would get married in.
5
00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:13,555
You think Mr. Peanut is straight?
6
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,890
And this is the other option.
7
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,809
But that one's just fun,
8
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:19,811
like a pool float
shaped like a piece of pizza.
9
00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:24,774
What? Your wedding is in three days,
and you haven't chosen the dress yet?
10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,986
I know I'm being silly.
Thank you for being so patient with me.
11
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Don't thank her. You're rich now.
12
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:33,033
-And rich people can do whatever we want!
-[crashes]
13
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,117
[laughs]
14
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,661
Oh, brother, this is hard.
15
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,747
How do you choose between fancy and fun?
16
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:43,126
Why choose? Just cut the butt
out of the fancy one.
17
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,586
Best of both worlds.
18
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:46,671
I say don't pick the fun one.
19
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,758
If you think something's fun,
it's gonna be dumb and for babies.
20
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,347
I'm gonna go with...
21
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:57,849
the fun one!
22
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,977
Sorry, Titus, but my wedding's
going to be a lot of fun,
23
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:05,148
and that dress is like a party on my body
that everyone's invited to!
24
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,692
There you go, hon! Piece of cake!
25
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,819
Oh! That reminds me.
26
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,033
-Where the hell did you get that?
-Cake tasting.
27
00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:18,703
-But you didn't come to my cake tasting.
-I can have my own cake tasting, Kimberly.
28
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,289
Kimmy, I cannot wear this.
29
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,208
Oh, don't worry. The wedding's indoors,
30
00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:26,085
so if it rains, the candy won't melt
and attract bees.
31
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,545
That's not what I was...
32
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:30,423
Oh, my God! Titus! Are you kidding?
33
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,884
If I were, you'd be chuckling right now.
34
00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:34,928
-Chuckling hard.
-[exasperated sigh]
35
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,847
As your agent, I can't let you eat that.
36
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,140
Come on.
37
00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:42,936
You start shooting in two days.
You're playing a Navy SEAL.
38
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:46,523
You're supposed to be following
Mark Wahlberg's workout regimen.
39
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,899
"2:30 a.m., wake up."
40
00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,943
-Spit take.
-"2:45 a.m., prayer time."
41
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,903
-Pass.
-"3:30 a.m., workout number one."
42
00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:53,947
-Number one?
-"5:30 a.m., post-workout meal."
43
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,365
-I can do that.
-"7:00 a.m., golf."
44
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,574
Why, bitch, why?
45
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,201
This is a huge opportunity.
46
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,954
You're the lead of a big action movie.
47
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:03,373
Pull this off, and you'll be
the first guest on Fallon
48
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,167
instead of the guy that gets bumped
because Bindi Irwin ran long.
49
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,128
She brought an extra frog
and didn't tell the producers!
50
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,005
Now go to the gym.
51
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,342
Fine.
52
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,386
You know what?
53
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:20,014
I'll go to the gym.
54
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:22,475
Am I lying?
55
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:25,562
No.
56
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:30,275
But if I was, that'd also be a lie.
57
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,944
But I'm not. Or am I?
58
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:37,866
[thuds, clatters]
59
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,285
Off to the gym I go.
60
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,998
[playful music]
61
00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,792
[sighs]
62
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:57,635
Trying to make me exercise.
63
00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:01,890
I'm an actor. I can act like I got strong.
64
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:03,933
Shoot.
65
00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:08,813
You don't tell me nothing.
66
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,773
I'm just gonna...
67
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,776
[snoring]
68
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,920
[upbeat music]
69
00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:37,967
Kids are at gymnastics.
70
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:39,510
Let's eat.
71
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,971
A dream inspired by true events.
72
00:03:42,221 --> 00:03:43,473
Scrod, my darling?
73
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:48,645
[gasps]
74
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,605
Now let's make love.
75
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,276
Come here. Yeah!
76
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,153
This is a nightmare!
77
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,905
Come here, you big old guy.
78
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:02,033
-Please wake up!
-Yeah! You know you want it!
79
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:03,409
I don't!
80
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:06,245
Charlotte McKinney, get off of me!
81
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,834
Boy, when you walk down the aisle
in that dress,
82
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,796
Frederick's gonna be all,
"Ga-ga-ga-gooey!"
83
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,340
And I can't wait to see you
in your bridesmaid's dress.
84
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:20,176
Titus's man purse is gonna be
all over you!
85
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,260
[grunts]
86
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:24,013
-What's wrong, Jan?
-I can't fit in my dress, okay?
87
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,640
I can't lose the weight!
88
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:31,145
I don't want to be the fat bridesmaid
who has to wear the shawl, Kimmy.
89
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,189
The shawl...
90
00:04:33,272 --> 00:04:34,482
Are you crazy?
91
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,734
You couldn't lose any more weight
if you wanted to.
92
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:37,944
You're empty.
93
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,071
See?
94
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,739
[Jan laughs]
95
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,116
That tickles!
96
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,576
That hurts! Now it tickles again.
97
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,328
You don't have anything.
98
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:49,914
Wait. What the huh?
99
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:52,417
What is it, Kimmy?
A portal to a magical land?
100
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,918
Quick! Hop in me!
101
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:55,211
No.
102
00:04:55,878 --> 00:04:57,130
[Kimmy] It's a book!
103
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,465
A book?
[sighs]
104
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,260
That must be why I've been feeling so fat.
105
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:06,264
Now that's what I call a diet book, huh?
106
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,932
Wonderful!
107
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,643
Oh, Jan, I wish I had your quick wit!
108
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:11,936
[chuckles]
109
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,732
My backpack is my funnest friend!
110
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,318
Have you ever met a backpack this funny?
111
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:30,830
Frederick?
112
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,499
We're home! Frederick?
113
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,753
Kimmy! Hello, my love.
114
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,259
Oh, Jan! Have you lost weight?
No shawl for you.
115
00:05:43,342 --> 00:05:44,594
Oh, Frederick!
116
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,429
Yeah! Look what I found inside her.
117
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:48,514
A book! The thing you learn
horse breeds from.
118
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,808
Frederick, the entire time
I was in the bunker,
119
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,227
I had a whole other book
I didn't even know about.
120
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,272
A hundred books, actually,
because it's a pick-your-own-journey,
121
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:58,441
where you get to decide
how the stories go.
122
00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,151
Oh, you mean, a "whence thither" book?
123
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,569
I gotta read this, like, now!
124
00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:04,405
Actually, there are some wedding details
to be attended to.
125
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:07,366
We still haven't chosen your somethings
old, new, borrowed, and blue.
126
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,452
Oh, I'll do it.
You don't have to worry about that.
127
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,204
I know, but I can't help it.
128
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:13,289
I had such a peculiar childhood.
129
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,416
Not like yours,
which was truly awful. You win.
130
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,877
But I am 12th in line
to the throne of England.
131
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,506
Eleventh, if Great-Uncle Uther turns out
to be mostly corgi, as is rumored.
132
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:24,467
His legs are pretty stumpy,
and his tail...
133
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,010
I've never had friends, really.
134
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:28,554
Kim Jong-un was the only other student
at L'École Porcverrues.
135
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,848
I spent most of my life
in the company of my nanny Fiona.
136
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,434
Well, I'm glad at least
she's coming to the wedding.
137
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:37,105
Don't be cross with my family, darling.
After all, I am marrying commoner trash.
138
00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:38,523
Their words.
139
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:40,316
It's just, you know, this wedding,
140
00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:43,945
this could finally be the start
of a normal life for The Scooch, huh?
141
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,115
I'll have a cool new nickname,
a beautiful American wife,
142
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:50,535
and maybe we'll get to live
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
143
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,454
That's a normal thing to do, isn't it?
Harrisburg?
144
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:57,166
Oh, Frederick, you can't just start
talking about being normal
145
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,460
in that cartoon fox Robin Hood accent.
146
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,254
You know it gets my motor going.
147
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,338
Right, I'm sorry.
148
00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:04,757
You're being
a real smooch tease, Frederick.
149
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,634
It hurts my area.
150
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:10,847
Well, I suppose a third option
would be practicing for our honeymoon.
151
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,433
Oh, boy. I do like kissing you.
152
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,350
And I you.
153
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,477
But planning is also fun.
154
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,148
[playful music]
155
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,906
Of course, I'll help with the wedding.
156
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,409
I know what it's like to feel
like you missed out on stuff.
157
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,369
That's one of the reasons
we get on so well.
158
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,871
That and the wonderful imaginations
159
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,415
we both honed
during our years of solitude.
160
00:07:37,498 --> 00:07:39,083
Right, RoboKimmy?
161
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,543
[in robotic voice]
You are correct.
162
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,211
-[both laugh]
-Splendid.
163
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:45,131
Also, neither of us ever met our fathers.
164
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:47,842
Mine took off,
and yours died in childbirth.
165
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:49,635
So I'm told.
166
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,722
And yet, the tabloids still publish
their nasty rumors
167
00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,223
about Mother's gardener.
168
00:07:58,561 --> 00:07:59,770
I look nothing like the man.
169
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,357
So, something old.
170
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:06,694
How about Jan? I've had her forever.
171
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:10,156
Your fourth-grade lizard died in me!
172
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,742
But do you think wearing a backpack
173
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,870
will go with our wedding theme
of "Cool Grownups"?
174
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,915
What about that book of yours?
175
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,043
It's old, but you didn't know you had it,
so it's new to you.
176
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,128
It's also blue!
177
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,671
And it's borrowed, right?
178
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:28,758
Because it's a library book!
Nice one, The Scooch!
179
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,051
[chuckles]
180
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,555
What the H-E single C, single K?
181
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:38,392
This book was checked out
on April 24, 2003.
182
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,312
That's five years after I got tooken.
183
00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,358
And you didn't attend
Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High School.
184
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,277
No, so it's not actually mine.
185
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:51,572
So, it must belong to one of your chums
from your underground terror pit.
186
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:52,531
Your words.
187
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,618
Right. One of the other Mole Women.
188
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,453
It's just so weird, though.
189
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,331
Well, the mystery is solved easily enough.
190
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:05,628
[exhales sharply]
191
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:07,004
But which one do I call?
192
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,673
Well, Cyndee's always fun.
193
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,174
Oh, but what about Donna Maria?
194
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,802
And who could forget Gretchen?
Yes, this is hard.
195
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,429
Eeny, meenie, miney, mo,
catch a tiger by its toe--
196
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,764
Oh, is that how you choose things here?
197
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,475
In England, we say,
"Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way,
198
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,893
grab the cow and steal its hay.
199
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,521
If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout."
200
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,857
And then, we just make a measured decision
about which option's best.
201
00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,026
[keypad beeping]
202
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,778
[line ringing]
203
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,447
[Cyndee] Hello?
204
00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:34,907
Hey, Cyndee, it's Kimmy.
205
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:38,244
Hey, Kimmy, how fancy
is this weekend gonna be?
206
00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:41,539
Should I pack the gown
that I wore on Celebrity Bachelorette?
207
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:44,750
It's got a couple of holes in it
from where Brandi Glanville bit me, but--
208
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,252
I'm sure it's real nice.
209
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:51,465
Listen, Cyn, I found an old library book
that I think one of us had in the bunker.
210
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,009
I'm going to stop you right there.
211
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:56,304
I'm doing this new therapy
where they erase your unwanted memories,
212
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,681
so I don't know what "the bunker" is.
213
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,141
You're just my New York friend!
214
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:03,060
Well, it's just that I found it
in my backpack.
215
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,439
You mean Jan?
No, it's all coming back at once.
216
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,774
No. Why? What?
217
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:13,070
Um, anyhoo, it's called
The Mystery of the Mysterious Spy.
218
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,405
Wait, that's not "yours's"?
219
00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:17,867
Because the day that we were rescued,
they found it with the Reverend's stuff.
220
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,411
And it didn't belong to me
or the other girls.
221
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,205
So the police must have put it in Jan.
222
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,540
But it's not mine.
223
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:27,585
So, if it's not any of "ours's,"
224
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,379
maybe there was another girl
we didn't know about? Okay. Bye.
225
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,797
[Kimmy] No, Cyndee, wait!
226
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,300
Do you really think there was another girl
that got kidnapped
227
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:35,426
that we don't know about?
228
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:36,636
Oh, gosh, I hope not.
229
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,763
-Well, we have to do something.
-[Cyndee] But what?
230
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,182
The only person that knows the truth
is Reverend Richard,
231
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:45,144
and I am not getting anywhere near him
because of some stuff I'm remembering.
232
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,188
[Cyndee] What's that crank for?
233
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:51,108
You want to go to Indiana
three days before you get married?
234
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:54,320
I have to figure out whose book this is.
If there is another girl--
235
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:57,615
I know this is important, but there is
so much to be done before Saturday.
236
00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,743
If you need help with wedding stuff,
Lillian doesn't have anything to do.
237
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:05,122
I guess those cinder blocks
just throw themselves off the overpass.
238
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,582
I'll be back for the rehearsal.
239
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,710
I don't want to spend a second more
than I have to with that monster.
240
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,921
The man who used to cheat at Clue!
241
00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:16,675
I don't know why that was my example.
He did so much worse.
242
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,762
This is going to be very hard for you.
243
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,598
You shouldn't be going there alone.
I'll go with you.
244
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:25,893
No, you won't. You're supposed to be
doing cardio in five minutes.
245
00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:29,397
Cardio? The erotic magician I dated
in the early 2000s?
246
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,731
Exercise!
247
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,442
Kimmy is more important than any movie!
248
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,653
And if I have to drop out of it
to be there for her,
249
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,738
then drop out I shall of it.
250
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:41,367
To be honest, it would be nice
to have a friend there with me.
251
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:45,663
No, no. I'll go with you,
and Titus can go to the gym.
252
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:49,208
He has a costume fitting tomorrow,
and my ass is on the line here, too.
253
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,962
And I know what you're thinking,
"What a lucky line," but this is serious.
254
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,714
Boy, talk about a "sofa's" choice.
255
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,967
Being a sofa must be hard.
256
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,344
You two are perfect for each other.
257
00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:04,056
[playful music]
258
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,314
I'm sorry, Jacqueline.
259
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:15,109
You melted Madame Tussauds Conan O'Brien!
260
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,695
[chuckles]
This American insult comedy is wonderful.
261
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:21,115
Titus, you've been my closest friend
since the first day I came--
262
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,576
Yes. Will we eat on the plane or--
263
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,910
I've got another one!
264
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:27,329
You drowned cruise ship
birthday clown.
265
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,875
I'll call Teterboro
and have them fuel up my jet,
266
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,251
Plane-O the SkyCar.
267
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,796
We're going to fudging Indiana.
268
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:39,133
[theme music]
269
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,849
♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪
270
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:48,476
♪ It's a miracle! ♪
271
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,061
♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪
272
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:55,566
♪ But females are strong as hell
Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪
273
00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:57,151
♪ It's a miracle ♪
274
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,612
♪ Unbreakable, they alive, dammit ♪
275
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:04,158
That's gonna be... you know,
a fascinatin' transition.
276
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:06,869
♪ Dammit! ♪
277
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:11,499
There are, like, dozens
of Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High Schools
278
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,459
in America. Why?
279
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:16,795
It was a promotional stunt
for the release of Iron Eagle 2.
280
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:17,922
Got me to watch it.
281
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:19,965
But there isn't one in Indiana.
282
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:21,425
[sighs]
283
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:24,678
If there is another girl,
I don't even know where to start.
284
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,389
And Dick Wayne isn't about to help me.
285
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,602
I'm going to have to walk
into that prison and outsmart him.
286
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,980
It's like Silence of the Lambs.
287
00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:38,025
Silence? Oh, no.
288
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,151
When you kill them,
289
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:42,905
lambs make, like, a human scream
and then a rattling sound.
290
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,951
[laughs]
Silence! I wish!
291
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,416
This is unacceptable.
292
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:58,504
-Who has a plane with no foods on it?
-There was a vegetable platter.
293
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,549
"There was a vegetable platter."
That's what you sound like.
294
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,300
Visitor for Richard Wayne?
295
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:06,804
Yes. That's me.
296
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,014
Titus, wait here.
297
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:11,100
I have to do this part alone.
298
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,355
Good, because I am now stuck
in a vending machine,
299
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:18,023
and all I can reach are gums!
300
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:20,609
[tense music]
301
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,403
-[door alarm beeps]
-[door opens]
302
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:33,539
Well, well, well. What a surprise.
303
00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:37,918
Unlike every birthday I've ever had
in here, despite the mini hints.
304
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,796
Hello, Dick.
305
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,758
Actually, I go by my prison gang name now.
306
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,511
"Vete Pedófilo Blanco."
307
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:51,932
I'll get down to beeswax.
I've got to ask you some questions.
308
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:53,434
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
309
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,519
We haven't seen each other
in like five years.
310
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,855
How about we make
like a hot dog and ketch-up?
311
00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:01,775
I forgot you put ketchup
on hot dogs! You sicko!
312
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,445
That's why I'm a sicko?
I've done a lot worse.
313
00:15:04,528 --> 00:15:07,031
Remember Clue?
God, why was that my example?
314
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,950
Come on, Kimmy. You come all this way.
315
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,911
Let's be sociable.
316
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:18,542
I mean, the Kimmy Schmidt
I allegedly kidnapped was at least polite.
317
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:21,420
Or has New York changed you?
318
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:26,508
Are you all like, "Oh, it's because
of the water that the bagels are so good"?
319
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:29,094
I'm not like that!
320
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,387
Prove it!
321
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:34,183
Fine. How is being in prison forever?
322
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:37,853
Uh, both monotonous and violent.
Thank you for asking.
323
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,522
Hey, you catch that documentary
I starred in?
324
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,734
Nice to see how you stood by me
this whole time.
325
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,949
But then I heard you're engaged
to some kind of prince?
326
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,825
Yeah! I'm engaged.
327
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,411
Frederick and I are registered at Tiffany,
328
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,122
Build-a-Bear,
and Sky Zone Trampoline Park.
329
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,167
It's just that we're already married.
330
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:04,338
So you being engaged is weird, right?
331
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:09,176
Like, almost as weird as me being
the wife in one prison family
332
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:12,930
and the baby in another prison family,
oh, goo-goo ga-ga, Daddy!
333
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:15,057
[Richard imitates baby crying]
334
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,063
So when I want a divorce, it's like,
335
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:24,900
"Oh, no, I don't want Richard to be happy
because I'm still in love with him.
336
00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:26,986
He's like the white half of Drake."
337
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,738
-But now you want a divorce--
-That's not even why I'm here.
338
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,991
My lawyers are taking care
of our "marriage"!
339
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,952
Good luck with that,
because this is Mike Pence country!
340
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,746
To quote the Indiana state quarter,
341
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,958
"A woman is bound to her husband
as long as he liveth!"
342
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,543
And I'm alive, dammit.
343
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:46,755
Could a dead man dance like this?
344
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,264
That's a little something for Team Coco.
345
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,807
Now MJ!
[yells]
346
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:57,725
Innocent!
347
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,519
[thuds]
348
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,147
Oh, no!
349
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,982
Jeepers, that sounded fatal!
350
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:09,820
Whose book is this?
I know there's another girl! Where is she?
351
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,613
There's no other girl.
352
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:15,617
It's "girls," plural.
353
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,369
You dumdum.
354
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:21,999
[coughs, gags]
355
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,919
But where are they?
356
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:29,048
Guess you'll never know.
357
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,134
Now go get married, you crazy kid!
358
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,597
We're gonna need
some trash bags and a shovel
359
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,348
in the visitors room, please.
360
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,189
That doesn't seem
like the right ending, does it?
361
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,566
Who are you, me at Chipotle?
362
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:50,486
Because you made some bad choices
that affect everyone.
363
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,362
We didn't even get to see Kimmy's dress!
364
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,656
Which was going to be
a disaster either way.
365
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,451
That girl wearing white?
It's tone-on-tone.
366
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,329
I think someone, not moy,
367
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,790
needs to go back
and fix this sitch, bitch!
368
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:06,168
Copyright Titus,
a division of Titus AndromeCo.
369
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,464
[reel rewinding]
370
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,299
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
371
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,135
Come on, Kimmy. You come all this way.
372
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,096
Let's be sociable.
373
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,681
Or has New York changed you?
374
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:25,479
Are you all like, "Oh, it's because
of the water that the bagels are so good"?
375
00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:28,649
-I'm not like that!
-Prove it!
376
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:33,737
Where did you get that...
377
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:35,948
thing I've never even seen before, ever?
378
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:39,785
-What is that? Like, something you eat?
-It's a book, Vete Pedófilo Blanco.
379
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:42,287
And I think you know who it belongs to!
380
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,290
[laughs]
381
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:52,214
Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy...
382
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,925
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
383
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:57,261
Maybe I want to wear it out... Kimmy.
384
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:02,975
You think you're so smart, don't you?
385
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,395
But you're just a dumb country girl
386
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,399
with your cardboard shoes
and your cheap wig.
387
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:11,775
[Richard scoffs]
388
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,152
Well, guess what.
389
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,238
I've never even been to West Virginia.
390
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,032
West Virginia.
Is that where the school is?
391
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,994
Wait. What? No. What? Dang it. What?
392
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,496
All right, look here, Sister Kimmy.
393
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:27,791
This is all just a game to me.
394
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:30,669
I let the police find my Indiana bunker.
395
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,881
I mean, the one and only bunker.
396
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,300
The only bunker, obviously.
You misheard me!
397
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:38,427
-There's another bunker?
-You're another bunker!
398
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:41,680
Oh, my golly. Cyndee was right!
There is another girl!
399
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,640
Well, "girls," plural, dumdum.
400
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,517
God, Richard, shut up.
401
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,020
Where is the bunker?
How much food do they have?
402
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,521
How many girls are there?
403
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,157
I've got to get to West Virginia!
404
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:04,912
[sighs]
405
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,213
You have me seated with Buckley?
406
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:18,967
Ding-dong! Who's ready to party
like it's 1999?
407
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,930
Oh, no! 1999? I'm down there again!
408
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,514
He's cheating at Clue!
409
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,767
I got bad news for you, kiddo.
410
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:31,104
Kimmy had to blow town,
so there is no bachelorette party.
411
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,147
Crackers!
412
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:36,360
I was so jazzed to hit the town
and try to find the next Mr. Pokorny.
413
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:37,986
Because my dad died!
414
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:41,156
You know, ladies,
nobody's throwing me a stag night.
415
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,450
My best mate Fiona
doesn't arrive until tomorrow
416
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,203
because of a previously scheduled
hysterectomy, so, um...
417
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,957
Well, I could be your bachelorette.
418
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,753
I did have a pretty wild night planned.
419
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:59,841
And I get a VIP pass
to every club in the city!
420
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:03,303
And I let Lillian plan the party
because she threatened me with her hammer.
421
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:07,265
Ooh! Joy of joys! Yes! Camaraderie!
422
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,642
Yeah.
423
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:13,480
Great party, "Kimmy's mom, I think."
424
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,607
Looks like Frederick's having a good time.
425
00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:19,903
The whole world's a party
when you never worked a day in your life.
426
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:21,655
Oh, do you not like him?
427
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,616
I mean, it does worry me
that he's not American.
428
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:27,786
I mean, is he just here to take jobs
from our princes?
429
00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:30,330
Royals are all secretly broke.
430
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:32,916
How do we know he's not just in it
for her money?
431
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:36,628
For Kimmy's sake, we got to see
if this guy's on the up and up.
432
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:37,713
But how?
433
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:41,591
♪ North Korea is a paradise
Of food and computers ♪
434
00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,802
-[laughs]
-[applauds]
435
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:46,722
We just pick a sexy song,
436
00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:51,893
and then one of us gets up there
and shakes all her moneymakers at him.
437
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,187
It's a classic honeypot.
438
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:57,232
But which one of us should karaoke at him?
439
00:21:57,607 --> 00:22:01,653
I mean, I'm Cyndee, and you're Lillian.
440
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:06,158
Yeah, but I'm Lillian, and you're Cyndee.
441
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:13,123
I'll do it... for Red.
442
00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:21,173
Is this the only song you got in English?
443
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:23,383
Forget about it. I'll make it work.
444
00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:27,054
♪ Yes, we have no bananas ♪
445
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:31,808
♪ We have no bananas today ♪
446
00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:36,938
♪ We have string beans and onions
And cabbages and scallions ♪
447
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,984
♪ And all kinds of fruit, and say ♪
448
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:45,489
♪ But, yes, we have no bananas ♪
449
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:49,201
♪ We have no bananas today ♪
450
00:22:50,410 --> 00:22:51,787
[moans]
451
00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:54,456
[both gasp]
452
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:55,999
Fibbits, what have I done?
453
00:22:56,583 --> 00:22:58,585
Lillian, I'm sorry, I didn't...
454
00:22:58,668 --> 00:23:01,546
I'm not fumfering, per se.
I just... Sorry!
455
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:03,673
Sorry! Oh!
456
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:05,008
Oh, Kimmy.
457
00:23:05,092 --> 00:23:08,845
He went for it! I'm so mad!
458
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:11,431
But also flat-out jazzed
that I was part of a plan!
459
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:12,849
[grumbles]
460
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:15,477
[quirky music]
461
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:23,360
What kind of broke-ass airport is this?
462
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,612
Where's the Chili's To Go,
463
00:23:25,695 --> 00:23:27,697
or the Asian restaurant
with an all-black staff?
464
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:30,700
Sorry, but this is the only town
in West Virginia
465
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:32,744
with a Louis Gossett, Jr. Junior High.
466
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:34,371
Frackwater.
467
00:23:34,454 --> 00:23:36,790
That's 12 miles away. What am I, a car?
468
00:23:36,873 --> 00:23:38,875
You were a car in Transformers 7.
469
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:42,212
GLAAD and the NAACP issued
a rare joint statement,
470
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:44,005
calling my performance,
quote, "upsetting."
471
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,590
I'm ordering an Uber.
472
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:50,303
[cell phone beeps]
473
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,140
Mamadou is completing a trip
in Little Rock, Arkansas.
474
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,683
He'll arrive in 4,000 minutes.
475
00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:59,729
-Why are you turning that way, Mamadou?
-That's so many minutes.
476
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:01,231
I think we should walk to town.
477
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,904
We are looking for a silver Mazda.
478
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:10,657
-Titus, we have feet for a reason.
-Diabetes containers.
479
00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:13,118
And you hate waiting more than anything.
I remember--
480
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,871
Is it my turn to talk yet?
God, I hate waiting.
481
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:22,752
Fine, we can walk.
482
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,880
Even though these shoes
were custom-made by Kanye
483
00:24:24,963 --> 00:24:27,424
for hiding upstairs
while they taped The Kardashians.
484
00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:35,599
Pep-step it, Titus! The clock is ticking.
485
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:37,184
We've got to find that junior high.
486
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,644
Maybe the librarian can tell us
who checked out that book.
487
00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,855
School has been out for hours.
488
00:24:41,938 --> 00:24:43,773
We go there now,
the only thing we're gonna find
489
00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:45,567
is genius janitors solving math problems.
490
00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:47,611
You need to feed and water your Tituses.
491
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:49,529
-[scoffs]
-[cell phone vibrating]
492
00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:52,616
What is it, Jorkeline?
493
00:24:52,699 --> 00:24:55,535
[Jacqueline] You know how you told me
to get you out of that action movie?
494
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:57,579
Well, good news. I didn't.
495
00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,497
Judas! Because you're a traitor,
496
00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:01,374
not because I'm jealous
you got to kiss Jesus.
497
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:05,128
Titus, you cannot drop out of a movie
the week it starts shooting.
498
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:08,340
They built a whole Ukrainian village
to blow up.
499
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,175
You'd swear you were in Karabulut.
500
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:13,386
Do you know what this will do
to your reputation if you bail?
501
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:15,013
Give it a sexy, bad boy edge?
502
00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:16,431
[Jacqueline] You'll be unhireable.
503
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:19,601
You'll have to go back
to making those stupid karaoke videos.
504
00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:21,436
In exchange for octopus!
505
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:24,022
I'll have to fire you as a client,
you'll have a downward spiral,
506
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,191
then I'll get a book deal
to tell my side of the story.
507
00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:28,985
I don't want to write a book, Titus.
Don't do this to me.
508
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:31,363
-Jacqueline, I'm not coming--
-[Jacqueline] I'm on set right now.
509
00:25:31,655 --> 00:25:33,949
I'll stall as long as I can.
Just get here.
510
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:35,867
Excuse me.
511
00:25:37,535 --> 00:25:38,995
Yes, how can I help you?
512
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:40,580
We just need Titus for a makeup test.
513
00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:41,623
Absolutely not.
514
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:45,877
Titus is not coming out of his trailer
515
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:48,546
until this situation
has been taken care of.
516
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:50,257
Ah, I wasn't aware there was a problem.
What's wrong?
517
00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:52,384
I'll tell you exactly what's wrong.
518
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,554
Titus is upset about...
519
00:26:01,351 --> 00:26:03,353
[slurping]
520
00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:11,569
[slurping continues]
521
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,409
Whatever is going on
in the wardrobe department.
522
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:18,451
What's going on with--
523
00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:22,455
We've been waiting
for Titus's pants for hours.
524
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:24,165
Copy that. I'll take care of it.
525
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:26,167
Can I get wardrobe on two, please?
526
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:29,504
I'll just be in here with Titus.
[chuckles]
527
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,550
[thuds]
528
00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:40,265
-[Titus] Are we there yet?
-[train horn honking]
529
00:26:40,807 --> 00:26:43,268
I'm going to go into that bar
and ask some fellow citizens
530
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:44,853
if they know anything
about any missing girls.
531
00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:46,062
Uh-uh.
532
00:26:46,604 --> 00:26:48,982
These aren't fellow citizens.
These are folks.
533
00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:51,276
They're not gonna cotton
to some big-city sophisticate,
534
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:52,694
and his pasty sidekick.
535
00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:55,530
Big city? Titus, I'm from Indiana.
536
00:26:55,613 --> 00:26:58,241
You're from Mississippi. We got this!
537
00:26:59,326 --> 00:27:00,660
Who got this?
538
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,121
[upbeat music]
539
00:27:03,788 --> 00:27:06,041
[background chatter]
540
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,336
[music stops]
541
00:27:12,422 --> 00:27:13,923
Can I help you, strangers?
542
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,972
Say! Do you mind if I tickle
your listening holes a mite?
543
00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:27,270
Some girls gone missing
last big old bunch of years ago!
544
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,942
Go and get Benjy dressed
and bring him down to the kitchen
545
00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,944
where he won't wake them boys.
546
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:36,237
It's cold this morning!
547
00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:40,825
Maybe you two should keep
moving on down the road.
548
00:27:43,953 --> 00:27:45,080
[scoffs]
549
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:48,083
No wonder Hillary didn't even bother
coming to towns like this.
550
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,335
We have to get them to talk to us.
551
00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:52,295
That's it!
552
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:55,215
We may not have a lot in common
with these filthy hill creatures,
553
00:27:55,298 --> 00:27:57,258
but no one doesn't love music!
554
00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,636
Yeah! It's a universal language.
555
00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:01,805
Just like how everybody knows this...
556
00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:04,516
means, "Do you want to get
a milkshake with me?"
557
00:28:04,599 --> 00:28:05,475
[clears throat]
558
00:28:05,558 --> 00:28:08,061
My golden voice will soothe
these savage beasts.
559
00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:10,939
Yeah, but what will you sing
for this crowd?
560
00:28:14,234 --> 00:28:15,360
"Free Bird"!
561
00:28:15,443 --> 00:28:17,195
-I know that song!
-You do?
562
00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:19,572
I have a deep library, Kimmy.
563
00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:21,074
I better warm up.
564
00:28:22,575 --> 00:28:25,078
[vocalizing]
565
00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:34,587
"Leave lard daddy's basement stings."
566
00:28:34,671 --> 00:28:38,341
You know "Free Bird"?
A song that guy wants to hear?
567
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:44,806
Of course, I know "Free Bird."
I'm from Mississippi.
568
00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:47,809
All four years of high school English
was the poetry of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
569
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:53,106
You heard the people. "Free Bird"!
570
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:55,108
"Free Bird."
571
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:57,861
This one's for you, girl.
572
00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:00,697
["Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd playing]
573
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:14,085
♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪
574
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:21,634
♪ Would you still remember me? ♪
575
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:30,101
♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪
576
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:31,978
[woman cheers]
577
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:38,067
♪ There's just too many places
I got to see ♪
578
00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:39,360
Yeah!
579
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:46,826
♪ But if I stay here with you, girl ♪
580
00:29:47,660 --> 00:29:49,954
[bar patrons cheering]
581
00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:54,709
♪ Things just couldn't be the same ♪
582
00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:03,009
♪ Because I'm free as a bird now ♪
583
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:11,518
♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪
584
00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:14,395
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
585
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:19,651
♪ Because this bird you cannot change ♪
586
00:30:20,276 --> 00:30:22,529
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
587
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:29,619
♪ Lord help me, I can't change ♪
588
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:33,248
[guitar playing]
589
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:37,502
♪ Fly, fly, fly, fly, free bird ♪
590
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,464
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
591
00:30:43,841 --> 00:30:47,178
♪ Fly, fly, fly, free bird ♪
592
00:30:50,223 --> 00:30:54,435
♪ Fly, fly, free bird ♪
593
00:30:56,813 --> 00:30:58,565
♪ Play that guitar ♪
594
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:01,943
♪ And just you hear guitar ♪
595
00:31:03,069 --> 00:31:04,571
♪ But there's drums ♪
596
00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:07,073
♪ That's not a guitar ♪
597
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:16,541
♪ Free bird ♪
598
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:20,378
[bar patrons applauding]
599
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:30,805
How about a couple beers on the house?
600
00:31:30,889 --> 00:31:32,015
Actually, I'm famished.
601
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:34,601
And I'd love to ask you folks
some questions.
602
00:31:34,684 --> 00:31:35,685
Is that okay?
603
00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:37,353
I guess that's question number one.
604
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:39,606
[laughs]
605
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,275
Anyone recognize this guy?
606
00:31:43,776 --> 00:31:47,405
It would have been a while ago.
He was probably wearing a different shirt.
607
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:48,698
I seen that face.
608
00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:49,782
Where? When? Think back!
609
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:54,787
It must have been two, three hours ago.
He shaved the beard, though.
610
00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:56,205
You saw him today?
611
00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:57,916
Yeah, I work over at the Kroger's,
612
00:31:57,999 --> 00:32:02,712
and that man traded me a whole mess
of cigarettes for tampons and beans.
613
00:32:02,795 --> 00:32:04,589
He escaped from prison?
614
00:32:04,672 --> 00:32:06,549
He... he got beans?
615
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,884
Did you see which way he went?
616
00:32:07,967 --> 00:32:11,638
Well, he asked me, "What's the shortest
way to Peabody Falls?"
617
00:32:11,721 --> 00:32:12,889
Peabody Falls. Where is that?
618
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:15,224
About 100 miles west as the crow walks.
619
00:32:15,683 --> 00:32:19,604
I'm telling you, there is something wrong
with the crows around here!
620
00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:24,025
Can anyone here sell us their car?
621
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:28,696
This watch was a gift
from Hello Kitty herself.
622
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,490
The whole cat face is diamonds!
623
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,910
Well, she ain't fast,
but she'll get you where you need to go.
624
00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:36,913
And I sure could use that money
for opioids and such.
625
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:38,039
It's an epidemic.
626
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:41,417
Come on, Titus!
627
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:42,752
Well, I haven't ordered yet.
628
00:32:42,835 --> 00:32:45,964
And they've got squirrel.
It's the scrod of the mountains!
629
00:32:46,339 --> 00:32:48,341
[thrilling music]
630
00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:11,823
How did the Reverend get out of prison?
631
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,241
I saw him yesterday!
632
00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:16,869
He is super sneaky,
and he has a white belt in karate.
633
00:33:17,370 --> 00:33:20,707
[Kimmy] So either it was some sneaky plan
or karate!
634
00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:31,801
Hm?
635
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:35,054
-[officer] All good, Sandy?
-[radio beeps]
636
00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:37,265
Yep, everything is secure in here.
637
00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:44,772
Okay, prisoner friend, I'll be back
to visit you next week, like I always do.
638
00:33:44,939 --> 00:33:47,859
He's lucky to have a friend like you.
Cool jumpsuit!
639
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:50,737
Hey, thank you!
Look how nonchalant I'm being.
640
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:52,488
Not at all chalant.
641
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:53,906
[chuckles]
642
00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:01,873
It doesn't matter
how he escaped from prison.
643
00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:05,501
He's definitely headed to the bunker
if he's got tampons and beans.
644
00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,336
We've gotta rescue those beans.
645
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:08,921
I mean, beans.
646
00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:10,423
Whoa!
647
00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:14,177
Kimmy, I care about you. I love you!
648
00:34:14,260 --> 00:34:17,096
And I'll do whatever it takes
to rescue those beans!
649
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:22,810
What the hell?
650
00:34:23,019 --> 00:34:26,522
Kimmy can't even show up to the rehearsal
for her wedding to a freaking prince?
651
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:30,443
She doesn't deserve to be with him.
Oh, God, now I'm picturing them together!
652
00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,237
Ew, Kimmy, stop smiling so much!
653
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,448
Lillian! Why are we here?
654
00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:37,450
Didn't you call Kimmy?
655
00:34:37,533 --> 00:34:40,578
Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners? I love you.
656
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:44,290
Listen, I just can't be the one
to break it to her.
657
00:34:44,373 --> 00:34:47,835
I already accidentally told her
about 9/11.
658
00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:50,296
Nine-eleven? What's that?
659
00:34:52,131 --> 00:34:56,219
But if they were all Saudis,
why did we invade Iraq?
660
00:34:56,552 --> 00:34:57,512
Well...
661
00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:03,810
But when I went into the bunker,
solar power was going--
662
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:05,812
Hey!
663
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,148
Look what the cat dragged in.
664
00:35:09,232 --> 00:35:11,025
Are we still doing this?
665
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:13,820
Or did you tell Kimmy
what happened twixt our mouths?
666
00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:19,200
Oh, just imagining the look
on her goony face, I couldn't do it.
667
00:35:19,742 --> 00:35:22,829
This is your mess, Freddy!
You gotta tell her.
668
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:23,913
I know.
669
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,333
Do you think
a different accent would help?
670
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:31,212
English just sounds so awful
because it's what Nazis have in films.
671
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:34,549
I could do it in American, bro.
She's going to straight-up dump me.
672
00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:35,842
Bazinga! No.
673
00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:39,095
And my nanny Fiona flew
all the way from England for this.
674
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:43,266
Some caviar and those
little purple potatoes with cream.
675
00:35:43,766 --> 00:35:46,227
Hold up. That's your nanny?
676
00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:47,270
Mm-hm.
677
00:35:47,353 --> 00:35:48,771
She was to be my best ma'am.
678
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:52,191
Oh, hello! There's my good boy.
679
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,362
But I'm not a good boy. I'm the opposite.
680
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:57,822
I'm a bad girl!
681
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:05,288
You know, maybe don't tell Kimmy
about our mouth stuff just yet.
682
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:07,582
I think maybe you're all mixed up
683
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:12,128
because I remind you of the only person
whoever gave a rat's ass about you.
684
00:36:12,211 --> 00:36:14,005
The only person... Well, that's not true.
685
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:17,091
What's your relationship like
with your mother?
686
00:36:17,174 --> 00:36:18,384
We've met on several occasions.
687
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:20,678
How many girlfriends have you had?
688
00:36:20,761 --> 00:36:22,054
-Including Kimmy?
-Yeah.
689
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:23,055
One.
690
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:24,932
Kimmy's much more experienced than me.
691
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:27,018
Oh, jeez!
692
00:36:27,768 --> 00:36:30,271
I just don't know
what to tell you, Freddy.
693
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:33,232
You're in no condition to marry anybody.
694
00:36:33,316 --> 00:36:35,359
You're like a little boy.
695
00:36:35,443 --> 00:36:37,612
But that's exactly why I want
to get married, Lillian.
696
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:41,073
I want a wife and a family
and a salad spinner. I just...
697
00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:44,160
I want to be normal.
Please, Lillian, help me.
698
00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:46,287
I will do anything
to be good enough for Kimmy.
699
00:36:46,787 --> 00:36:49,749
Then you need
some life experience, pronto!
700
00:36:50,416 --> 00:36:52,043
You got two options.
701
00:36:52,126 --> 00:36:54,921
Either you let me cram it into you,
702
00:36:55,004 --> 00:36:58,883
or you see if you can get it
from your nanny over there.
703
00:37:01,135 --> 00:37:04,764
Jumpy Bumpy, out of the way.
Grab the cow, steal his hay.
704
00:37:04,972 --> 00:37:09,727
If the farmer comes about,
Jumpy Bumpy, wiggle and shout.
705
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:12,688
And I decide...
706
00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:14,440
Fix me, Lillian.
707
00:37:14,523 --> 00:37:16,234
Like a broken-hearted
little Humpty Dumpty,
708
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,236
scoop up my yoke
and tape my shell back together,
709
00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:21,113
and make me
a happy little normal, eggy boy.
710
00:37:21,614 --> 00:37:25,952
For Kimmy's sake,
I'm going to make a man out of you.
711
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,455
We're going to need a hotel room.
712
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,874
A hotel room? My word.
713
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:33,376
Yeah!
714
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,254
Are we not doing the rehearsal?
715
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:39,131
I came to Midtown for this!
716
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:41,801
I'm putting a curse on all of you.
717
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:44,887
[quirky music]
718
00:37:47,014 --> 00:37:49,225
[snoring]
719
00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:53,562
[engine stops]
720
00:37:54,313 --> 00:37:56,274
-I'm not asleep!
-Why am I awake?
721
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:59,694
It's 2:30 in the damn morning!
722
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,821
That's when Mark Wahlbergs wake up!
723
00:38:01,904 --> 00:38:02,822
[clatters]
724
00:38:02,905 --> 00:38:05,491
-Come on!
-Dang it, we're out of gas!
725
00:38:07,493 --> 00:38:09,912
Double dang it!
There's no reception out here!
726
00:38:12,873 --> 00:38:14,709
That's it. We're walking.
727
00:38:24,051 --> 00:38:26,387
[upbeat music]
728
00:38:34,687 --> 00:38:38,441
Titus Andromedon is not supposed to die
on a mountain like a bored white person.
729
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,152
He's supposed to be choked to death
at the Met Gala!
730
00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:44,905
What in the moose is that juice?
731
00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:47,616
It's aliens.
732
00:38:49,201 --> 00:38:53,080
You can probe whatever,
just drop me off back in New York!
733
00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:54,874
[Kimmy] Hello?
734
00:38:57,043 --> 00:38:58,085
-Hello?
-[Titus] Um...
735
00:38:58,169 --> 00:39:00,046
Hello, Mr. Alien, sir?
736
00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:02,006
You're here for Festeroo?
737
00:39:02,923 --> 00:39:06,510
Okay, make the sale, Junior.
You're a sales panther.
738
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:08,763
Oh, I didn't see you there.
739
00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:12,725
-What did the Fyre Festival do wrong?
-Everything.
740
00:39:12,808 --> 00:39:16,103
The brochure said
you get to swim with pigs.
741
00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,940
But you didn't meet a pig!
Well, not anymore.
742
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:23,527
[pig snorts]
743
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:26,113
I knew if I had my own music festival...
744
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:29,450
Well, and also, my dad's like,
"Fine, I'll pay for it! Just go away!"
745
00:39:29,533 --> 00:39:32,578
Then blammo! Festeroo!
746
00:39:35,414 --> 00:39:37,875
-Can you tell us--
-Not great, to be honest.
747
00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:41,712
Insane Clown Posse said they'd headline,
but they just stole my car.
748
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:44,507
Festeroo started three days ago,
and no one even showed up,
749
00:39:44,590 --> 00:39:47,009
which is bad, because I brought drugs
for a thousand.
750
00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:49,553
I can't even remember
what I'm on right now.
751
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:51,972
We're in a hurry.
We need to get to Peabody Falls.
752
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:55,059
So can we borrow a couple
of your stupid adult tricycles?
753
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:58,187
For sure. Right after I eat your faces!
754
00:39:58,854 --> 00:40:00,314
Bath salts. I'm on bath salts.
755
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:01,649
-No!
-[grunts]
756
00:40:02,733 --> 00:40:05,403
-Stop it!
-No can do, dragon!
757
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:07,863
Animals!
758
00:40:07,947 --> 00:40:09,448
Titus, get the bikes!
759
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:14,245
Worst spring break ever!
760
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:21,794
Mr. Andromedon? It's wardrobe.
761
00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:24,505
Good one, Titus.
762
00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:27,007
Black people are always doing that.
763
00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:31,720
Oh, you found the pants.
764
00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:33,222
I'm so pleased.
765
00:40:33,305 --> 00:40:34,932
No, we didn't, actually,
766
00:40:35,015 --> 00:40:37,685
but there was some leftover fabric
down at the warehouse,
767
00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:40,938
so I drove there,
stayed up all night sewing,
768
00:40:41,021 --> 00:40:43,274
and if I could get these on him
for one final fitting...
769
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:48,654
Look, the last thing I want to do
is drag this out, believe me.
770
00:40:48,946 --> 00:40:51,115
-But I can't let you go in there.
-What? Why?
771
00:40:51,699 --> 00:40:54,452
Why? Oh, my God.
772
00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:55,995
What is your name?
773
00:40:56,412 --> 00:40:57,246
Jenny.
774
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:58,372
Jenny...
775
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:02,960
what am I going to do with you?
776
00:41:15,097 --> 00:41:16,682
Something nice? I don't...
777
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:22,938
Lookit, we both know
this isn't about the pants, Jenny.
778
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:24,231
It's not?
779
00:41:25,024 --> 00:41:27,234
Titus feels unsafe around you.
780
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:29,403
I haven't met him.
781
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:33,991
So he should trust a stranger?
Why are you being so weird right now?
782
00:41:34,074 --> 00:41:35,784
I'm so confused.
783
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,161
I haven't slept.
784
00:41:37,244 --> 00:41:41,582
Okay, you can run your little games,
if that's what they all love about you,
785
00:41:41,665 --> 00:41:43,709
but I don't care what she thinks.
786
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:47,588
We need to make this right,
or they will tell everyone.
787
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:51,425
-What? It's too many pronouns. I--
-Let me help you.
788
00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:56,096
Start by writing a letter of apology.
Be specific, okay?
789
00:41:56,180 --> 00:41:58,390
Titus will respect your honesty.
790
00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:00,351
Oh, I don't want you to get fired,
791
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:03,062
because I'm basically
your only friend here at this point.
792
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:04,897
But I'm really close with Jess.
793
00:42:04,980 --> 00:42:07,483
Oh, my God, honey, he or she hates you.
794
00:42:07,566 --> 00:42:08,609
What?
795
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:10,778
We're gonna get through this. I love you.
796
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:15,741
And make sure the letter is typed
because he can't read cursive.
797
00:42:15,824 --> 00:42:17,701
I don't have access to a printer.
798
00:42:17,826 --> 00:42:19,662
Rooting for you!
799
00:42:28,170 --> 00:42:29,797
[Titus] I'm so hungry.
800
00:42:30,631 --> 00:42:32,841
All my puns are failing.
801
00:42:33,217 --> 00:42:36,095
I'm Tuba Gooding, Jr. Is that something?
802
00:42:36,178 --> 00:42:38,889
No, Titus, it's nothing, I'm sorry.
803
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:40,266
But we have to keep going.
804
00:42:42,184 --> 00:42:46,522
Why do these chocolates I stole
from the alien taste like mushrooms?
805
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:50,109
Why are you a cartoon right now?
806
00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:51,735
Oh, boy.
807
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:55,239
Titus, I think those chocolates
may have been a drug joint!
808
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,033
I don't think so, dragons.
809
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:00,744
Oh...
810
00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:03,956
There's a table full of food.
811
00:43:04,164 --> 00:43:05,541
♪ What a day ♪
812
00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:09,336
♪ Fortune smiled and came my way ♪
813
00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:13,924
♪ Bringing love I never thought I'd see ♪
814
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:17,052
♪ I'm so lucky to be me ♪
815
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:18,971
[groans]
816
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:20,681
I'm living my best life.
817
00:43:21,056 --> 00:43:22,474
Titus, get up!
818
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:24,310
You're having a drug hallucination!
819
00:43:27,229 --> 00:43:28,606
You want some pasta salad?
820
00:43:28,689 --> 00:43:30,316
No! I...
821
00:43:31,191 --> 00:43:34,028
Titus, look! There's a gas station!
822
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,118
No!
823
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:50,085
Buying or robbing?
824
00:43:50,169 --> 00:43:51,170
-Buying! Buying!
-Buying!
825
00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:53,964
Well, what do you know? Come on in.
826
00:43:55,507 --> 00:43:58,385
Sir, we're trying to get to Peabody Falls.
827
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,929
Can you show me where it is
on this West Virginia quarter?
828
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:03,307
-I don't have a map.
-Gas station jerky?
829
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:05,100
Bingo.
830
00:44:05,267 --> 00:44:06,935
You're in Peabody Falls.
831
00:44:07,227 --> 00:44:08,812
But where's the town?
832
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:10,689
Town? No!
833
00:44:10,773 --> 00:44:13,067
Peabody Falls belongs to the coal company.
834
00:44:13,150 --> 00:44:16,236
Eight hundred square miles
of 'sploded mountains and slurry lakes,
835
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,280
20 times the size of Disney World.
836
00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:21,116
To put that in perspective, I'm
one-millionth the size of Disney World.
837
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,243
-What? No.
-Am so.
838
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:25,162
The Reverend is hours ahead of us.
839
00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:27,414
And now we don't even know
where we're going.
840
00:44:28,457 --> 00:44:29,458
Wait.
841
00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:33,754
That dude was just in here
trying to buy gasoline with handjobs.
842
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:36,882
He got a full tank of gas,
I gave him a rose, then he left.
843
00:44:36,965 --> 00:44:39,426
You saw him?
Were there any girls in his van?
844
00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:42,221
No, but I bet he could get
a slop-jar full of them.
845
00:44:42,304 --> 00:44:43,555
Dude's a white ten.
846
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:46,100
-Which way was he going?
-That a-ways.
847
00:44:47,267 --> 00:44:48,769
Titus, we gotta go.
848
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:51,146
-But I found Gatorade!
-Just leave the money on the counter.
849
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:54,024
I gotta scoot home and move
my court-ordered ankle monitor around,
850
00:44:54,108 --> 00:44:55,651
so the cops think I'm there.
851
00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:58,237
The Reverend was here.
We've still got time!
852
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,406
-[baby coos]
-[both gasp]
853
00:45:02,241 --> 00:45:03,992
[engine revving]
854
00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:05,953
Did he just leave his kid here?
855
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:09,373
Don't touch it!
Or the mother won't take it back.
856
00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:10,624
So, what are we going to do?
857
00:45:10,707 --> 00:45:12,376
We can't take the baby
on the stupid bikes.
858
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:15,504
-Girl, you can't take a baby, period.
-So, what you're just gonna leave it here?
859
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,675
Listen, if a baby can live alone
inside a woman for nine months,
860
00:45:19,758 --> 00:45:21,468
it will be fine here for an hour.
861
00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:23,470
[Kimmy] Holy ship, with a P!
862
00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:34,481
Okay, we'll just wait here
until he gets back,
863
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:37,734
and then we'll use our tricycles
to catch the Reverend's van.
864
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:38,986
-[grunts]
-[thwacks]
865
00:45:39,653 --> 00:45:42,531
Believe me, I'm fine not tricycling.
866
00:45:42,614 --> 00:45:45,492
But if you want to catch the Reverend
and give him what for, et cetera,
867
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:46,869
we gotta go!
868
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:48,787
-[exasperated sigh]
-[baby blabbers]
869
00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:59,214
Fudge, fudge, fudge!
870
00:46:00,716 --> 00:46:02,134
Can it, baby! I'm thinking!
871
00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:06,805
-[baby wails]
-I can't do it. I can't leave Sharon.
872
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:08,307
I named her Sharon.
873
00:46:08,390 --> 00:46:10,767
Wait a minute. Hanging out with a baby?
874
00:46:10,851 --> 00:46:13,187
That's family time.
That's on the damn Marky Mark schedule.
875
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:15,355
[sniffs, grunts]
876
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:19,485
I think Sharon sugared her fudging diaper.
Throw me something to clean her up with.
877
00:46:20,235 --> 00:46:22,196
If I gotta do all this work...
878
00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:26,992
I will be compensated.
879
00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:32,080
Ooh!
880
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:36,960
These might as well be a clown in a sewer,
because they are It.
881
00:46:41,757 --> 00:46:43,091
[sneezes]
882
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:48,263
[Kimmy singing] ♪ The wheels on the bus
Go round and round, round and round ♪
883
00:46:48,347 --> 00:46:52,559
Girl, you're giving that child
unrealistic expectations of buses.
884
00:46:53,519 --> 00:46:56,772
♪ The guy off his meds
Is yelling about God ♪
885
00:46:56,897 --> 00:46:58,106
♪ Alphabetizing coupons... ♪
886
00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,525
Well, good news.
887
00:46:59,608 --> 00:47:01,944
Closed all my windows
and put the monitor on a raccoon,
888
00:47:02,027 --> 00:47:03,695
so I am good for a while.
889
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:05,197
Come on, Titus, let's move!
890
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,282
Oh! Thanks for watching Sharon.
891
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:09,201
No way! I was right!
892
00:47:13,372 --> 00:47:15,249
Want to play with daddy's lighter?
893
00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:20,254
Slow down!
894
00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,595
You know what? I don't mean
to make a joke, but you're a prince.
895
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:30,097
-[Frederick chuckles]
-Where have you been?
896
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:32,808
Not everywhere, ever,
but from last night until now!
897
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:36,520
I was at the hotel, fixing the prince.
898
00:47:36,603 --> 00:47:38,855
And I fixed him good.
899
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:44,611
You got a lot of living
to make up for, kiddo.
900
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:46,446
-Are we really doing this?
-Yep!
901
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,366
You missed a lifetime of lame girlfriends
902
00:47:49,449 --> 00:47:51,743
who don't hold a candle to Kimmy Schmidt,
903
00:47:51,827 --> 00:47:55,455
and I'm going to introduce you
to all them.
904
00:47:56,123 --> 00:47:58,750
You were, like, so mean to me.
905
00:47:58,834 --> 00:47:59,793
What? When?
906
00:47:59,876 --> 00:48:02,588
In a past life. We were fish.
907
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:08,343
How could you forget
our seven-week anniversary?
908
00:48:09,678 --> 00:48:11,013
-[Lillian grunts]
-[glass shatters]
909
00:48:11,388 --> 00:48:14,891
Why am I paying to send
your ex-boyfriend to rehab?
910
00:48:16,268 --> 00:48:22,774
Because if he wasn't in there,
he'd kill you.
911
00:48:23,442 --> 00:48:24,276
What?
912
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,779
Oh, Jesus! That's a real gun?
913
00:48:28,655 --> 00:48:33,327
J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!
914
00:48:33,410 --> 00:48:36,246
That last one
was from personal experience.
915
00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:41,418
So, you two didn't have C-E-C,
916
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:44,463
T-C-H-S?
917
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:47,966
-What?
-Cyndee, are you okay?
918
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:48,925
Sex!
919
00:48:49,009 --> 00:48:52,804
No, all I did was show him
what he isn't missing
920
00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:57,142
and that pretty much everyone
other than Kimmy is just the worst.
921
00:48:57,517 --> 00:49:00,395
-Now I'm ready to get married.
-Yeah, he is.
922
00:49:00,896 --> 00:49:03,815
I have somewhere to go tomorrow!
[giggles]
923
00:49:04,316 --> 00:49:06,693
[lively music]
924
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:17,329
Which way do we go?
925
00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:20,457
Do you see any tire tracks
or a bunker hatch or girlses?
926
00:49:20,540 --> 00:49:22,584
Which way? How do we choose?
927
00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:24,711
Maybe you can help us.
928
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:27,756
-What are you doing?
-I don't know, I ate drugs.
929
00:49:28,006 --> 00:49:30,217
Come on, Kimmy. Figure it out!
930
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:35,013
Why did the Reverend bother
breaking out in the first place?
931
00:49:35,097 --> 00:49:37,391
We have no chance
of finding anything out here.
932
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:41,770
He must think I know something
that could lead me to the girls.
933
00:49:41,853 --> 00:49:44,439
-You did find that weird book.
-That's it.
934
00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:47,025
-Titus, you're a genius!
-I know.
935
00:49:47,984 --> 00:49:50,487
Why didn't I read this book?
936
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,281
No.
937
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:57,661
I got to the bunker first, you morons!
938
00:49:57,744 --> 00:50:00,497
Now I'm taking these girls to Florida,
where everything's legal!
939
00:50:00,580 --> 00:50:01,790
You lose!
[whoops]
940
00:50:01,998 --> 00:50:03,875
No, not Florida!
941
00:50:05,377 --> 00:50:07,879
All right, I wouldn't
have got that right, either.
942
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:11,007
You had to read the book?
What's fun about that?
943
00:50:11,258 --> 00:50:15,095
Me, I would have kissed Frederick.
"Ga-ga-ga-gooey!"
944
00:50:15,262 --> 00:50:16,638
I don't have a type.
945
00:50:16,722 --> 00:50:19,307
Here's the good news-- you did
the right thing watching that baby,
946
00:50:19,391 --> 00:50:21,601
so you don't got to go
all the way back to the beginning.
947
00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:26,440
Bad news is I just broke the fourth wall,
and now I got to fix it.
948
00:50:26,773 --> 00:50:28,066
Classic Mikey.
949
00:50:29,651 --> 00:50:30,986
[grunts]
950
00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:33,405
[thumps]
951
00:50:34,114 --> 00:50:36,199
[reel rewinding]
952
00:50:39,411 --> 00:50:42,789
Yes! These are it!
953
00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:45,292
I look like a sexy Chuck Schumer.
954
00:50:45,625 --> 00:50:46,668
Redundant.
955
00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:49,880
What's wrong with it?
956
00:50:50,297 --> 00:50:51,214
It's a baby.
957
00:50:52,090 --> 00:50:53,008
Make it stop.
958
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:55,510
[baby wailing]
959
00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:58,805
And scene, baby.
960
00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:02,100
There must be something she can play with.
961
00:51:02,684 --> 00:51:04,478
Oh, maybe I'll read to her.
962
00:51:04,686 --> 00:51:06,229
Nerd. Better idea.
963
00:51:06,980 --> 00:51:08,940
I will read this baby,
964
00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:12,861
because it is a diva
and needs to hear some hard truths.
965
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:15,238
Come on, babies love to be read to.
966
00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:18,742
I can still remember my mom reading
the Camel Cash catalog to me.
967
00:51:18,825 --> 00:51:21,703
"Smoke in the shower
with our patented cigarette laminator"!
968
00:51:22,370 --> 00:51:24,414
I think you should let Titus do
whatever he wants,
969
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:27,501
because this bachelorette party is awful.
970
00:51:28,084 --> 00:51:30,754
Well, guess what, Larry Insults.
971
00:51:30,837 --> 00:51:34,549
You're better at burns than I am.
But I'm better at calming babies.
972
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:38,887
"The Mystery of the Mysterious Spy.
973
00:51:38,970 --> 00:51:45,060
Chapter One: Paris,
the city of France... and mysteries!
974
00:51:45,644 --> 00:51:48,647
The heat reveals a secret message
written in lemon juice.
975
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:51,817
Be careful, the spy is fake."
976
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:54,903
That's why the spy was so mysterious!
977
00:51:55,403 --> 00:51:56,488
Oh!
978
00:51:56,571 --> 00:51:58,114
You're still here. Good news.
979
00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:01,076
Put the ankle monitor on my other baby
and gave him a Monster Energy drink,
980
00:52:01,159 --> 00:52:02,577
so I'm good for a while.
981
00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:04,120
Titus, let's go!
982
00:52:05,997 --> 00:52:07,791
And stop leaving babies alone.
983
00:52:07,874 --> 00:52:09,376
Don't you dad-shame me.
984
00:52:09,459 --> 00:52:12,379
I'm trying to have it all--
a career, family, and hepatitis.
985
00:52:18,176 --> 00:52:20,387
Hey, where's my pea shooter?
986
00:52:25,141 --> 00:52:26,768
Which way do we go this time?
987
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:28,270
Why did I say "this time"?
988
00:52:28,353 --> 00:52:31,147
Past lives. We were fish.
989
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:32,232
Lemon juice.
990
00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:34,276
You can write secret messages
in lemon juice.
991
00:52:34,359 --> 00:52:35,485
They do that in the book.
992
00:52:35,569 --> 00:52:37,904
Girl, I'm only in this book club
to drink wine.
993
00:52:37,988 --> 00:52:39,447
The girl who checked out this book
994
00:52:39,531 --> 00:52:41,992
must have been trying to do
the things she read about.
995
00:52:42,075 --> 00:52:44,953
She must have tried to write
a secret message with her scurvy lemon,
996
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:47,831
but the Reverend caught her
and tooken the book away.
997
00:52:47,914 --> 00:52:49,332
We need to heat the paper up!
998
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:50,500
If you need heat,
999
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:53,879
I think these gas station cheaters
are just magnifying glasses.
1000
00:52:54,588 --> 00:52:57,257
Perfect! But what page is it on?
1001
00:52:59,092 --> 00:53:01,219
[playful music]
1002
00:53:04,931 --> 00:53:06,349
This one tastes like lemon.
1003
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:15,025
[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh, it's working!
1004
00:53:18,361 --> 00:53:24,951
"The last thing I saw outside was..."
1005
00:53:25,911 --> 00:53:27,078
It's a drawing.
1006
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,248
-But of what?
-Mikey's penis.
1007
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:32,626
But how did she know?
1008
00:53:34,461 --> 00:53:37,505
No, it's not a wee-wee.
1009
00:53:38,882 --> 00:53:40,008
It's a map!
1010
00:53:44,304 --> 00:53:46,389
Come on! There's still time!
1011
00:53:55,398 --> 00:53:57,484
[thrilling music]
1012
00:54:01,655 --> 00:54:02,656
Indiana plates!
1013
00:54:09,245 --> 00:54:11,498
-It's empty!
-What about the beans?
1014
00:54:18,380 --> 00:54:20,006
Motherfudger.
1015
00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:22,258
Jurassic Park rules!
If I don't move, you can't see me!
1016
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:25,011
[Richard] Free hat!
1017
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,015
Now running?
1018
00:54:30,350 --> 00:54:31,601
[scoffs]
1019
00:54:40,276 --> 00:54:41,695
[Jacqueline] Oh, Jenny.
1020
00:54:42,445 --> 00:54:45,115
This is even worse. You're getting colder.
1021
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:47,575
Just tell me what to apologize for,
and I'll do it!
1022
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:51,287
You know I can't do that.
Also, this font is racist.
1023
00:54:51,371 --> 00:54:54,666
My God, if Titus won't put the pants on,
I'm going to lose my job.
1024
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:58,211
And I can't lose my job,
not after the year I've had.
1025
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:05,510
Because it had been one for the books,
let me tell you.
1026
00:55:06,094 --> 00:55:07,387
Uh-huh.
1027
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:11,641
You don't even want to know.
1028
00:55:13,768 --> 00:55:15,687
I mean, it has been epic!
1029
00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:23,028
Are you gonna ask me about...
about my year?
1030
00:55:23,778 --> 00:55:26,281
Come on, we've all had bad years.
1031
00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:30,285
For most of 1999, I lived in Murray Hill.
1032
00:55:30,535 --> 00:55:32,245
-Where?
-Exactly.
1033
00:55:33,038 --> 00:55:34,622
Be right back, Titus!
1034
00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:38,418
Look, if you get fired
over this Titus thing, you'll be fine.
1035
00:55:38,501 --> 00:55:39,502
You're so talented.
1036
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,756
Those pants you made overnight
look just like the originals.
1037
00:55:43,423 --> 00:55:45,008
What do you mean, "the originals"?
1038
00:55:45,675 --> 00:55:47,761
When did you see the original pants?
1039
00:55:47,844 --> 00:55:49,596
You said they were never delivered.
1040
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:52,432
Oh, my God, tell me about your year.
Was it crazy? You're so pretty.
1041
00:55:52,515 --> 00:55:55,351
You lied about the pants. You're covering.
1042
00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:56,728
Is Titus even in there?
1043
00:55:57,645 --> 00:56:00,065
What? Titus?
1044
00:56:00,356 --> 00:56:04,152
Jesus. What's really going on with him?
1045
00:56:04,569 --> 00:56:06,196
Botched Botox?
1046
00:56:06,279 --> 00:56:08,907
He got drunk and flew his blimp
into a school bus?
1047
00:56:08,990 --> 00:56:11,618
He slipped a disc
trying auto-erotic asphyxiation?
1048
00:56:12,368 --> 00:56:15,830
Yeah, I've seen it all.
I worked with Tom Hanks.
1049
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:18,750
Ms. White, the director's cocaine
is wearing off. We need Titus.
1050
00:56:18,833 --> 00:56:21,044
Yeah, well, good luck with that
because he's not in there.
1051
00:56:21,127 --> 00:56:22,087
What? What do you mean?
1052
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:27,634
Titus isn't in his trailer.
1053
00:56:28,176 --> 00:56:30,178
[indistinct clamoring]
1054
00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:35,600
Who are you?
1055
00:56:35,892 --> 00:56:37,977
I'm the reason we're all here.
1056
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:40,563
Okay.
1057
00:56:41,064 --> 00:56:43,691
You'll never catch me
because I'm so fast because of karate!
1058
00:56:43,983 --> 00:56:47,237
-Where are they?
-Karate run! Karate run!
1059
00:56:50,365 --> 00:56:51,282
[Titus] Oh, God.
1060
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:03,586
How did Forrest Gump do this
for three years?
1061
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,089
Oh, right. That body of his.
1062
00:57:10,927 --> 00:57:13,221
Not now, drugs. My friend needs me.
1063
00:57:16,141 --> 00:57:17,976
Maybe it's real this time.
1064
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:22,814
It's just one of those woodland banquets
you read about, right, no one?
1065
00:57:28,444 --> 00:57:29,654
Kimmy.
1066
00:57:30,947 --> 00:57:32,157
Scrod.
1067
00:57:33,324 --> 00:57:34,576
Kimmy!
1068
00:57:35,743 --> 00:57:37,620
Spaghetti-O's mold!
1069
00:57:38,496 --> 00:57:41,833
[groans]
Kimmy, you keep running that way,
1070
00:57:41,916 --> 00:57:44,919
and I'll run in the opposite direction...
1071
00:57:45,128 --> 00:57:48,131
around the world so we can surround him!
1072
00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:52,385
♪ ...Just the way I'd hope you'd be ♪
1073
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:53,928
♪ I'm so lucky... ♪
1074
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,763
I can definitely tell it's dirt this time.
1075
00:57:56,014 --> 00:57:57,182
I don't care.
1076
00:57:58,016 --> 00:57:59,934
I think I'm developing a taste for it.
1077
00:58:02,353 --> 00:58:04,439
Okay, where is he?
1078
00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,399
Well, I don't know where he is.
1079
00:58:06,733 --> 00:58:10,195
I've been stalling, trying to save his job
and my commission.
1080
00:58:10,278 --> 00:58:12,739
But the truth is
Titus was never in his trailer.
1081
00:58:13,615 --> 00:58:16,075
And I guess he's not coming.
1082
00:58:16,951 --> 00:58:18,161
So, you lied to us.
1083
00:58:18,495 --> 00:58:21,915
Yes, I lied, okay? I'm sorry.
1084
00:58:21,998 --> 00:58:26,628
But everyone in Hollywood told us
we have to believe women all the time now.
1085
00:58:27,420 --> 00:58:28,463
If you lied...
1086
00:58:29,506 --> 00:58:31,758
that means other women probably lie, too.
1087
00:58:32,175 --> 00:58:34,469
No, no, that's not what it means.
1088
00:58:34,552 --> 00:58:36,679
And that means Time's Up
is over, everybody.
1089
00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:39,849
Women lie, so we can go back
to doing whatever we want!
1090
00:58:39,933 --> 00:58:42,977
No! My mistakes are only mine!
1091
00:58:43,478 --> 00:58:45,522
[upbeat music]
1092
00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:48,274
♪ I love booze in California ♪
1093
00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:50,109
♪ Sun in California ♪
1094
00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:51,486
♪ Sky in California ♪
1095
00:58:51,569 --> 00:58:53,321
♪ And my bro in California ♪
1096
00:58:53,404 --> 00:58:54,906
♪ I love bikes in California ♪
1097
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:56,824
♪ Working out in California ♪
1098
00:58:56,908 --> 00:59:00,036
♪ But the boobs in California
Are the greatest boobs around ♪
1099
00:59:00,119 --> 00:59:02,580
Hey, wardrobe girl, you're fired!
1100
00:59:02,664 --> 00:59:04,874
Men don't need pants anymore!
1101
00:59:05,416 --> 00:59:07,210
What have you done, you monster?
1102
00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:09,254
I didn't mean for this to happen.
1103
00:59:09,337 --> 00:59:13,007
Calm down. You're being hysterical.
1104
00:59:13,258 --> 00:59:15,718
[screams]
1105
00:59:17,929 --> 00:59:21,015
You won't ever catch me!
Dogs are faster than cats!
1106
00:59:21,099 --> 00:59:22,892
Whoo-hoo! Kara--
[grunts]
1107
00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,729
[groans]
1108
00:59:31,067 --> 00:59:32,318
Help me, Sister Kimmy.
1109
00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:36,114
Come on!
[yells]
1110
00:59:36,239 --> 00:59:37,949
Where are those girls?
1111
00:59:38,783 --> 00:59:40,702
[pants]
1112
00:59:41,703 --> 00:59:43,037
I can't find them.
1113
00:59:43,288 --> 00:59:46,499
I've been looking all day,
and I can't find the hatch.
1114
00:59:47,834 --> 00:59:50,044
[Richard] It's the wilderness, Kimmy.
[scoffs]
1115
00:59:50,461 --> 00:59:51,421
It's vast!
1116
00:59:51,504 --> 00:59:53,089
What do you mean, you can't find them?
1117
00:59:53,172 --> 00:59:55,550
Well, I thought I had marked
the spot pretty good,
1118
00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:58,261
but I haven't been here in five years
because I've been in jail!
1119
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:00,471
So, that's on you.
1120
01:00:00,555 --> 01:00:03,391
No, you can't just forget
where you put them!
1121
01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:05,935
They're not CD cases, they're people!
1122
01:00:06,019 --> 01:00:09,314
Well, they're probably
dead people, all right?
1123
01:00:09,397 --> 01:00:11,566
They're probably dead
because you jailed me.
1124
01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:15,653
That's the problem
with you white ladies-- you're selfish.
1125
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:18,197
You want "your" justice,
no matter who else it hurts.
1126
01:00:18,281 --> 01:00:20,616
-That's not--
-But when a guy messes up
1127
01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:23,745
and wants to turn it around
and do the "right thing,"
1128
01:00:23,995 --> 01:00:26,456
oh, it's like, "No way, Louis CK."
1129
01:00:26,539 --> 01:00:29,000
That's sexism.
So, here's what we're going to do.
1130
01:00:29,083 --> 01:00:32,211
You're going to carry me back to the van,
we're going to drive to the hospital,
1131
01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:35,673
and our cover story is going to be
"camping trip sex accident."
1132
01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:37,800
Who knows you're here?
1133
01:00:37,967 --> 01:00:39,886
What? No one. I'm not stupid.
[scoffs]
1134
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:42,305
I've been tagging all my Instagrams
"Vegas Pool Party."
1135
01:00:42,805 --> 01:00:46,017
So, we're all alone,
and no one even knows you're here?
1136
01:00:52,023 --> 01:00:54,567
Okay, uh, let's not do anything foolish.
1137
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:57,862
Easy now, princess. Do you even know
how to handle that thing safely?
1138
01:00:57,945 --> 01:00:59,489
-[gun fires]
-[bird cawing]
1139
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:00,531
No.
1140
01:01:01,282 --> 01:01:03,159
Whatever you're thinking, don't do it.
1141
01:01:08,581 --> 01:01:09,999
What are you thinking, Kimmy?
1142
01:01:15,129 --> 01:01:16,339
All right, now, that's enough.
1143
01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:20,009
"Let me just hold it until you calm down."
That's what she said.
1144
01:01:20,093 --> 01:01:21,177
-[gun fires]
-[Richard] Whoa!
1145
01:01:21,260 --> 01:01:24,764
Okay, okay, let's just maybe
just take a second here, okay?
1146
01:01:25,473 --> 01:01:26,724
Just a second.
1147
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:28,726
Oh, my God, a wolf!
1148
01:01:33,064 --> 01:01:34,232
[grunts]
1149
01:01:35,358 --> 01:01:36,234
Dang it!
1150
01:01:36,692 --> 01:01:38,611
All right, Kimmy, come on, now!
1151
01:01:40,154 --> 01:01:43,449
You're not gonna kill me.
You won't even divorce me!
1152
01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:44,951
I mean, admit it.
1153
01:01:45,410 --> 01:01:46,786
We have a thing for each other.
1154
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:49,122
-[gun firing]
-[grunts]
1155
01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,627
[tense music]
1156
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:01,801
[exhales sharply]
1157
01:02:09,058 --> 01:02:09,976
Girls!
1158
01:02:11,811 --> 01:02:14,355
Girls? Girls?
1159
01:02:19,026 --> 01:02:20,111
Girls!
1160
01:02:23,197 --> 01:02:26,492
Well, we met, believe it or not,
when Lillian was helping me prepare
1161
01:02:26,576 --> 01:02:27,410
for my own wedding.
1162
01:02:27,493 --> 01:02:28,870
To someone else.
1163
01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:32,999
But when my fiancée wandered off
into the wilds of West Virginia...
1164
01:02:33,082 --> 01:02:37,503
Yeah, I know you're not from here,
but there is no "West" Virginia.
1165
01:02:37,587 --> 01:02:38,754
[chuckles]
1166
01:02:38,838 --> 01:02:42,592
It was a very difficult time,
but Lillian was there for me.
1167
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:47,346
Well, you looked so sad and lost,
like a puppy...
1168
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:50,183
a puppy with his own castle.
1169
01:02:50,266 --> 01:02:56,314
And, as it so often does,
pity eventually turned into love.
1170
01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:58,024
And now, here we are.
1171
01:02:58,191 --> 01:03:01,402
Oh, and Lillian has a plan for everyone
ahead of me in line for the throne.
1172
01:03:01,486 --> 01:03:02,612
I do.
1173
01:03:03,654 --> 01:03:05,656
-[hysterical laughter]
-Oh!
1174
01:03:05,740 --> 01:03:07,658
-Yeah.
-It's going to be good.
1175
01:03:08,201 --> 01:03:10,203
[reel rewinding]
1176
01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:11,913
What are you thinking, Kimmy?
1177
01:03:13,581 --> 01:03:14,749
All right, now, that's enough.
1178
01:03:14,832 --> 01:03:17,418
"Let me just hold it until you calm down."
That's what she said.
1179
01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:20,338
Let's just maybe just take
a second here, okay?
1180
01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:21,506
Oh, my God, a wolf!
1181
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:27,053
[grunts]
1182
01:03:29,430 --> 01:03:30,264
Dang it!
1183
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:32,934
How does this feel?
1184
01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:35,269
Scary.
1185
01:03:37,146 --> 01:03:39,232
Why did you do all those things to us?
1186
01:03:42,151 --> 01:03:43,444
Because I could.
1187
01:03:45,571 --> 01:03:48,616
And now you're gonna
do the same to me. I get it.
1188
01:03:49,408 --> 01:03:50,785
That's the way of the world.
1189
01:03:52,328 --> 01:03:53,663
You win. I get it.
1190
01:04:00,002 --> 01:04:00,920
No!
1191
01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:05,049
That's not the world I want to live in.
1192
01:04:06,259 --> 01:04:08,636
If I kill you,
then I'm no better than you.
1193
01:04:10,846 --> 01:04:12,473
And I am better.
1194
01:04:16,686 --> 01:04:17,770
Oh, thank Christ.
1195
01:04:19,647 --> 01:04:20,815
That's my girl.
1196
01:04:20,898 --> 01:04:23,943
Now, just carry me back to the van
before it gets dark, huh?
1197
01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,778
No, you're going to walk.
1198
01:04:25,861 --> 01:04:27,154
Where are you going? No, no, no.
1199
01:04:27,363 --> 01:04:29,115
Hey, the road's that way. Hello?
1200
01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:31,993
I need a big piece of wood
to make you a splint,
1201
01:04:32,076 --> 01:04:34,078
like in the book
when your horse hurts its leg.
1202
01:04:34,161 --> 01:04:35,329
Yeah. No, I know.
1203
01:04:35,413 --> 01:04:37,373
Dynamite book, by the way, but I'm good.
1204
01:04:37,456 --> 01:04:39,667
You don't need to hurt a tree.
I'll just crawl.
1205
01:04:40,668 --> 01:04:42,420
[creaks]
1206
01:04:48,718 --> 01:04:49,886
[thuds]
1207
01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:53,139
[thumps]
1208
01:04:55,057 --> 01:04:56,058
[Richard] Shit.
1209
01:04:57,643 --> 01:05:00,479
Okay, I will admit it. Yes, I lied.
1210
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:03,566
But to be fair,
this is a scary time for men.
1211
01:05:05,276 --> 01:05:07,570
[Kimmy grunts]
1212
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:12,783
[foreboding music]
1213
01:05:36,265 --> 01:05:38,392
[uplifting music]
1214
01:05:52,573 --> 01:05:55,910
It's here! It's all still here!
1215
01:05:57,411 --> 01:05:59,622
[uplifting music]
1216
01:06:16,764 --> 01:06:19,266
[news report theme music]
1217
01:06:19,350 --> 01:06:23,729
In entertainment news,
today author Kimberly Schmidt says "I do"
1218
01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:25,898
to fiancé Prince Frederick of England,
1219
01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:31,153
and "RIP" to ex-husband-
slash-kidnapper-slash-total Sagittarius
1220
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:34,407
Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,
who was kicked to death in prison.
1221
01:06:34,490 --> 01:06:35,825
Say what?
1222
01:06:36,367 --> 01:06:39,704
For NBC News, I'm George Georgiulio.
1223
01:06:39,787 --> 01:06:40,788
Yay!
1224
01:06:42,081 --> 01:06:44,583
[lively music]
1225
01:06:52,550 --> 01:06:56,303
Okay, I wasn't worried about that dress.
That is fierce!
1226
01:06:57,847 --> 01:07:00,975
We are gathered here today
to join in matrimony,
1227
01:07:01,058 --> 01:07:04,103
from the Latin, mater, for "mother," FYI,
1228
01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:09,316
Kimmy and Frederick,
who is, like, a legit prince.
1229
01:07:09,900 --> 01:07:10,901
Unbelievable.
1230
01:07:11,152 --> 01:07:12,153
Oh!
1231
01:07:12,236 --> 01:07:17,074
I'm so happy for my frontwalker.
That's what backpacks call people.
1232
01:07:19,535 --> 01:07:23,330
I know who you are. You ruined Time's Up.
1233
01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:27,042
You're the reason that my boss
has gone back to calling me "Supertits"!
1234
01:07:28,127 --> 01:07:29,295
Why, though?
1235
01:07:32,548 --> 01:07:34,759
I'm doing a daily worldwide apology
on my Instagram.
1236
01:07:36,969 --> 01:07:38,721
I don't blame her for being mad at you.
1237
01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:41,807
Yesterday, the president
just straight-up peed on a lady.
1238
01:07:42,558 --> 01:07:45,311
[coughs]
1239
01:07:49,607 --> 01:07:54,069
God, why did you eat all that dirt?
It's ruined your singing voice.
1240
01:07:54,153 --> 01:07:58,491
Because it was foods, Jacqueline.
Ask worms if dirt is food.
1241
01:07:58,574 --> 01:08:01,494
Smile, you two. So you screwed up.
1242
01:08:01,577 --> 01:08:02,453
[scoffs]
1243
01:08:02,536 --> 01:08:05,456
You make better choices next time,
am I right?
1244
01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:11,921
You kissed the groom?
1245
01:08:12,004 --> 01:08:14,423
Do you, Kimberly Cougar Schmidt,
1246
01:08:14,507 --> 01:08:17,885
and you, Frederick Henry
Eurythmics Windsor,
1247
01:08:17,968 --> 01:08:20,221
feel like hanging out
for the rest of your life?
1248
01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:21,305
[both] Fudge, yeah!
1249
01:08:21,764 --> 01:08:26,393
Then, by the power vested in me
by HauntedTempleWitchcraft.org,
1250
01:08:26,477 --> 01:08:29,647
I now pronounce you
an equal team of two humans.
1251
01:08:30,856 --> 01:08:32,983
[applauds]
1252
01:08:34,693 --> 01:08:35,903
Yay!
1253
01:08:37,613 --> 01:08:40,116
This was a fascinating transition!
1254
01:08:47,206 --> 01:08:49,667
Whoa! So close!
1255
01:08:49,750 --> 01:08:53,462
I think that could have ended better
for Jacqueline and Titus.
1256
01:08:53,546 --> 01:08:57,383
At least Kimmy's happy.
But she's always happy.
1257
01:08:57,466 --> 01:09:00,052
I think there's something wrong with her.
1258
01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:06,809
Me, I just got that cat parasite
that makes you want to buy more cats.
1259
01:09:07,184 --> 01:09:09,895
Anyway, A-minus.
1260
01:09:09,979 --> 01:09:12,690
Congrats! You're going to Cornell!
1261
01:09:12,773 --> 01:09:15,109
And I'm going to the cat store.
1262
01:09:47,016 --> 01:09:50,811
♪ Pinot noir ♪
1263
01:09:52,730 --> 01:09:55,900
♪ Caviar, Myanmar, Mid-sized car ♪
1264
01:09:56,484 --> 01:10:00,279
♪ You don't have to be popular
Find out who your true friends are ♪
1265
01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:03,824
♪ Pinot noir ♪