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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 原創喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎請以熱烈掌聲歡迎

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‎烏茲拉卡爾森

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‎大家

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‎看吧？這就是為什麼…

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‎這就是為什麼大家愛澳洲

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‎因為你們是一群瘋子

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‎在我們開始前

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‎我想快速跟你們分享一件事

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‎有時候觀眾會送我東西

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‎不是你們這群觀眾

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‎說真的，有時候觀眾會送我東西

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‎他們會拿給工作人員

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‎工作人員會拿來後台給我

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‎然後我得親自打開

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‎因為我沒有一群跟我巡迴的工作人員

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‎因為我不是愛黛兒

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‎我不知道大家以為我是…

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‎我今天走路過來

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‎五個街區

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‎你在做決定當下想著

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‎“只有五個街區，我用走的就好”

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‎然後在第三個街區
‎你心想：“幹，我應該叫UBER的

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‎但已經太遲了，現在只差兩個街區
‎我不能叫UBER

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‎司機會覺得我很懶惰”

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‎你不想要司機因為你懶只給你兩星

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‎所以你還得裝跛腳

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‎“對，我剛扭到腳踝”

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‎我在奧克蘭表演時收到一個禮物

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‎有個女人把禮物給工作人員
‎他再把禮物轉交給我

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‎我正要打開，但它看起來超可疑

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‎它只用牛皮紙包起來

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‎上面綁了一條繩子

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‎但不是聖誕節會收到的那種高級繩子

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‎你知道，就是你的姑嫂妯娌

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‎她總是弄些很花俏的包裝

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‎你對她說：“冷靜點
‎我們都知道裡面是浴鹽

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‎妳花了45元包裝2元的禮物

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‎而且我們根本沒有浴缸”

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‎不是那種繩子，就是一條舊鞋帶

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‎我知道很可疑

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‎因為工作人員把門踢開

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‎把禮物丟進來說：“這是妳的”
‎然後跑走

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‎我看著這禮物

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‎搖了搖沒有粉末跑出來，沒有滴答聲

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‎我要打開

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‎所以我打開了它

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‎有人送我月亮杯

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‎是全新的，不過是月亮杯

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‎不知道月亮杯是什麼的人

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‎女生們，請妳面對坐妳附近的男生

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‎向他們解釋什麼是月亮杯
‎讓我不用解釋

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‎大家討論一下

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‎如果妳不知道，問妳後面的人
‎他們知道

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‎我不知道樓上發生什麼事

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‎後面有個女生這樣…

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‎我不知道妳在解釋什麼

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‎但妳好像說錯了

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‎不知道月亮杯是什麼的人

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‎基本上它是給陰道用的保鮮盒

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‎大姨媽來時把它拿出來用

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‎懂嗎？

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‎但我知道，我一拿到這個禮物

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‎我就知道我麻煩大了

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‎因為我好奇心旺盛

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‎我知道我一定要試試

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‎我不會說太詳細

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‎我只能說那不適合我

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‎我只能說…

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‎妳知道把東西從洗碗機拿出來時…

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‎女生們，請轉向坐妳附近的男生

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‎解釋我的意思

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‎把東西從洗碗機拿出來時

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‎拿小孩的塑膠碗杯時

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‎不會花時間把每一個都擦乾

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‎只會隨便拿出來，疊起來收好

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‎然後隔天早上

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‎你得用那些碗餵小孩

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‎所以你拿出來，然後…

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‎就是那樣

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‎所以它不適合我

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‎我常旅行

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‎我一年約三百天都不在家

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‎每次我回我奧克蘭的家

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‎我總會去看我的家庭醫師

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‎請她幫我做全身檢查

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‎全都檢查一遍

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‎從頭到腳，從頭蝨到甲溝炎

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‎還有中間的所有部位

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‎乳房檢查，抹片檢查

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‎甚至會幫我打流感疫苗，因為科學

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‎我不會告訴你應該怎麼做

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‎我只是想說

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‎我們接種疫苗，因為我們識字

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‎我知道今晚觀眾席可能有反疫苗人士

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‎因為我在奧克蘭表演時
‎有13個人起身離席

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‎整個劇院的人都…

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‎好像我應該要跟他們對幹一樣

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‎我說：“別煩他們
‎他們家裡有生病的小孩要照顧”

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‎回到正題，我去看醫生
‎她做了她能做的檢查

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‎然後叫我去護士那裡

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‎我們的護士芭芭拉兩年前退休了

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‎那是好事

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‎因為她只比耶穌小兩歲

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‎我不是歧視老人

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‎但她工作的最後兩年
‎她檢查了我的攝護腺

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‎我不討厭

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‎所以我第二年還是去了

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‎我走進去，看到新來的護士

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‎她叫瑪奈亞

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‎我跟她打招呼

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‎她人很好，約五十幾歲

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‎我環顧四周，想找病人袍

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‎因為得穿前面有開縫的袍子

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‎護士才能檢查你的娛樂區域，對吧？

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‎我個人呢…

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‎我不太喜歡病人袍

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‎因為它總是沒辦法好好闔上

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‎因為我人生吃過幾頓豐盛的聖誕大餐

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‎我不覺得我胖

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‎但我絕對…

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‎我多吃了很多餐，少拉了很多次
‎所以…

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‎就算不是健身教練也知道…

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‎如果這兩件事不一致

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‎你永遠不會達到理想體重

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‎但我沒看到病人袍

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‎護士說：“不，我用拉巴拉巴”

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‎我心想：“真好，那就像沙龍裙

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‎我不只能做抹片檢查

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‎還能享受文化體驗

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‎我超愛”

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‎所以我跟她拿了拉巴拉巴

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‎等她離開，拉上門簾

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‎讓我能換衣服

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‎她拉了門簾

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‎但她和我一起待在裡面

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‎所以這時…

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‎我決定婉拒拉巴拉巴

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‎她把它拿走，丟在桌上

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‎我脫好衣服後跳上診療椅

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‎抹片檢查的標準流程是

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‎妳，也就是病患

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‎必須盯著牆看

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‎她，也就是護士

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‎必須盯著門簾上的某個點

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‎但絕對不能…

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‎眼神交接

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‎她開始動作

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‎我可以感覺到她摸來摸去

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‎在醫生動手術時可不想要有那種感覺

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‎你想要一雙自信的手

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‎你想要由了解情況的人負責

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‎我感覺到她摸來摸去

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‎我不知道什麼時候才該…

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‎行動？

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‎我在什麼時刻應該說

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‎“需要幫忙嗎？”

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‎太尷尬了，對吧？

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‎還是我應該默默引導她的手進去？

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‎你們說得對，那太誇張了

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‎我兩個做法都不必做

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‎因為她問了一個超級突如其來的問題

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‎害我愣了一下

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‎她說：“妳是處女嗎？”

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‎我說…

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‎“妳說什麼？”

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‎我說：“噢，當然不是

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‎我很常做愛”

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‎她說：“嗯…

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‎好”

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‎然後她離開房間

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‎到了此時…

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‎我很後悔我沒穿拉巴拉巴

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‎因為我現在坐在診療椅上

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‎像隻超市的冷凍全雞…

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‎擔心隨時會有人進來

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‎沒人進來，她一下就回來了
‎她換了更小的鴨嘴

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‎她又試一次，她說

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‎“我要再問妳一次

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‎妳確定妳有進行過性行為？“

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‎我說：“對，我結婚了
‎我太太在外面等我”

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‎她說：“噢…

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‎原來如此

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‎但妳有跟男性進行過性行為嗎？”

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‎我回她：“有，我很了解失望的感覺”

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‎她說：“我會問是因為妳的陰道

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‎是我職涯中遇過最小的”

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‎我說：“不會吧”

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‎我引導她的手進去，她採好檢體

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‎我穿好衣服，到等候室說
‎“寶貝，過來”

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‎對我老婆，不是對陌生人

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‎我說：“快來”

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‎我們走回診間

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‎我說：“護士有話對妳說
‎是關於我的…

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‎娛樂區域”

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‎護士看著她說

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‎“若要用一個詞形容她的陰道

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‎我會說…嬌小”

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‎我太太立刻轉過來對我說

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‎“不准在台上說這個故事”

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‎我說：“婊子

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‎醫療人員剛說我身上有嬌小的部位

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‎我當然要跟大家說”

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‎但這就解釋了月亮杯事件，對吧？

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‎我得用頂針

208
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,000
‎本節目名稱是輸家

209
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,080
‎我決定寫這齣單口喜劇是因為…

210
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,160
‎我不懂為什麼失去總是負面的

211
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,880
‎弄丟鑰匙，失去理智，失去父親

212
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:01,280
‎都是負面

213
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,800
‎但如果是失去體重

214
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:04,720
‎正面

215
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,400
‎我不懂

216
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,120
‎如果你減掉半公斤

217
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,840
‎陌生人會為你鼓掌

218
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,400
‎若你現在走出去說：“我減了半公斤”

219
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,240
‎大家會恭喜你然後跟你擊掌

220
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,440
‎我不懂

221
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,800
‎如果你真心愛一個人

222
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:20,640
‎應該要說：“我真的愛死你了

223
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,080
‎真希望多50公斤可以愛”

224
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,840
‎對於其他東西
‎你如果很愛就會想要更多

225
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,040
‎你愛蛋糕？“給我更多蛋糕”

226
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,360
‎你愛錢？“給我更多錢”

227
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,280
‎我愛你？“少一點”

228
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,000
‎不合理啊

229
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,480
‎我知道我需要減掉一些體重

230
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:46,400
‎我知道

231
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,840
‎但我想要很謹慎

232
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,480
‎我只想要減足夠的重量

233
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,600
‎讓我能在公眾場合吃東西

234
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,760
‎我只想在公眾場合吃派

235
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,320
‎如果你是我的觀眾而且有點胖

236
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,000
‎你一定知道你不能在公眾場合吃東西

237
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,600
‎一定會有人批評你，對吧？

238
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,640
‎就算是慶祝用的派也是

239
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,280
‎就算你的縮胃手術很成功…

240
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,080
‎為了慶祝，你去BP買一個派

241
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,040
‎因為那裡的派最好吃

242
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,640
‎所以才叫BP

243
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,840
‎你進去買一個派

244
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,640
‎你人在外面吃派

245
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,440
‎“嚼嚼，八十公斤掰掰”

246
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,320
‎你知道會有開卡車的混蛋開過去說

247
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,400
‎“誰把派吃完了？”

248
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,120
‎你得說：“是我”

249
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,000
‎所以我知道我得減重

250
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,600
‎但我想小心行事，我不想要減太多

251
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,760
‎最後成為A片主角

252
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,600
‎你們知道那非常有可能發生

253
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,600
‎如果妳很辣

254
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:05,960
‎如果妳超級…像是妳就很辣

255
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,600
‎對吧？你們是俊男美女的組合

256
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,040
‎你們會一起運動嗎？

257
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,320
‎-會
‎-當然會

258
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,480
‎我不是要批評你們太健美

259
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,080
‎但你們是很辣的情侶
‎你們讓人覺得賞心悅目

260
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,000
‎如果你們兩個在酒吧裡找我攀談

261
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,480
‎邀請我玩3P，我會答應

262
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,520
‎而且不只是負責拍攝的角色

263
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,600
‎我會全力以赴

264
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,680
‎我會超級投入

265
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,480
‎你們兩個會刮目相看

266
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:45,880
‎進行到一半時

267
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,080
‎在我的光屁股上，你們會擊掌說

268
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,120
‎“還真的選對了”

269
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,720
‎但你們要小心

270
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,960
‎因為你們長得好看
‎你們可能會變成A片主角

271
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,440
‎其他人都不用擔心

272
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:06,200
‎因為你也知道
‎如果你在一段健康愉快的關係裡

273
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,600
‎有健康的性生活

274
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,880
‎總有一天

275
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,160
‎其中一人會對另一人說

276
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,720
‎“我們應該拍自己

277
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,280
‎你知道，當我們在…

278
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,440
‎你知道？”

279
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:18,840
‎你會答應

280
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,640
‎如果你說：“我們才不會做那種事”

281
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,920
‎你的伴侶應該已經在拍了

282
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,640
‎不如乾脆加入

283
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,200
‎A片有一整個分類是你沒有參與的A片

284
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,600
‎所以乾脆加入吧

285
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,960
‎然後你會說：“好吧”

286
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,520
‎你把智慧型手機架在房間某處

287
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,480
‎然後你們開始做

288
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,960
‎你們超有興致地做

289
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,440
‎你拿出最佳表現

290
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,680
‎因為你知道有鏡頭在拍

291
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,720
‎完事後你說：“好，去拿手機”

292
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,880
‎他滾下你身體，去拿手機

293
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,800
‎他拿過來之後你很興奮，你說

294
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,440
‎“一定會很精彩

295
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,240
‎一定會很棒

296
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,080
‎我愛你”

297
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:12,800
‎然後你按下播放鍵

298
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,240
‎“為什麼我的屁眼那麼黑？

299
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,160
‎為什麼那麼毛？

300
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,600
‎看起來像想爬出洞穴的大蜘蛛

301
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,800
‎你用平常看不到的角度
‎看自己的身體

302
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:43,720
‎進行平常不會在玻璃櫥窗倒影
‎看到的活動

303
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,760
‎你會看到平常不會看到的身體細節

304
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,840
‎你看著影片說

305
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,520
‎“我背上那個是奶頭嗎？”

306
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:57,280
‎你伴侶超級司空見慣地說：“對

307
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,160
‎我以為你知道”

308
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,680
‎你說：“不，每次天氣變冷

309
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,320
‎我都以為是毛衣的標籤讓我不舒服”

310
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:11,480
‎他說：“不是，而且很熱時
‎它會像芭比娃娃嘴巴那樣…”

311
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,920
‎你看著那段影片，一點都不自然

312
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,200
‎那是你蒼白的肥胖身軀

313
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,280
‎全力衝刺…

314
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,720
‎另一個蒼白的肥胖身軀…

315
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,360
‎急促地在中間相遇

316
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,280
‎連聲音都不好聽

317
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,800
‎在興頭上你什麼都沒聽到

318
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,040
‎但當安靜下來

319
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,400
‎你用小螢幕看著多一個奶頭的
‎蒼白身軀

320
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,000
‎你只聽得到…

321
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:50,640
‎那是什麼聲音？

322
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,560
‎是你的蛋蛋撞擊我肚子”

323
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,080
‎你看著影片說

324
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,280
‎“為什麼我要跟你上床？

325
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,120
‎為什麼你要跟我上床？

326
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,120
‎我們永遠不要再這樣了”

327
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,520
‎然後你說：“刪掉”

328
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,280
‎他說：“我會”

329
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,600
‎“現在就刪”

330
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:23,480
‎他刪掉影片

331
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,200
‎你確認影片從“最近刪除的檔案”刪除

332
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,720
‎那對情侶接著一起拿著手機

333
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,680
‎走到後院小屋

334
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:35,440
‎拿槌子

335
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,560
‎把手機敲爛成粉末

336
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:39,560
‎拿支刷子

337
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,720
‎掃到小袋子裡

338
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,520
‎開車從國境最北一路到國境最南

339
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,360
‎在每個公廁停車

340
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,840
‎把一些粉末倒進馬桶…

341
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,200
‎然後沖水

342
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,200
‎以免世上某個IT天才正要誕生

343
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,320
‎而他能把影片還原，跟全世界分享

344
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,160
‎我們很小心

345
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,400
‎但你們兩個…

346
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,240
‎你們不一樣

347
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,720
‎你們會說：“我們來自拍”

348
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:16,680
‎“好啊

349
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,880
‎來吧，我先塗好乳液”

350
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,680
‎然後你們把手機架好

351
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,120
‎結束後妳會說：“去拿”

352
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,880
‎他會說：“好喔”

353
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,920
‎根本不需要下床

354
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,200
‎因為你們練的瑜伽終於派上用場

355
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,920
‎我背其實很痛，我覺得我…

356
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:40,760
‎醫護員

357
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,280
‎妳接過手機

358
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,640
‎“來看看

359
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,720
‎一定會很精彩

360
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,480
‎我愛我

361
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:06,200
‎妳按播放，妳說：“你看

362
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,600
‎你看

363
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,040
‎天啊

364
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,840
‎好險我們做了買一送一的肛門美白

365
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,040
‎我們看起來超棒

366
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,480
‎我們應該弄個藍光，打個光

367
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,000
‎這是超棒的作品”

368
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,680
‎“嗯，等等，我最棒的一幕來了

369
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,920
‎下馬

370
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,720
‎妳用完整三圈後空翻…”

371
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:34,400
‎我不太會運動用語

372
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,240
‎“完整劈腿降落在我的屌上，真棒”

373
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,440
‎妳說：“存起來

374
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,680
‎我們看起來超棒

375
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,320
‎妳說：“我們明天練完皮拉提斯後
‎再看一次”

376
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,560
‎隔天晚上，你們練完皮拉提斯回家

377
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,440
‎妳說：“好耶

378
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,960
‎你知道我變得很柔軟時會很興奮
‎我們來看影片”

379
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,080
‎妳又看一次

380
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,040
‎妳說：“幹，我們超美

381
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,680
‎存起來

382
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,120
‎我們明晚飛輪課後再看

383
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,360
‎你知道我上完飛輪課有多興奮

384
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,680
‎當我的會陰還在震動”

385
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,720
‎我猜是這樣，我哪知道

386
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,960
‎我不騎腳踏車，我是大人，我開車

387
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,320
‎然後你們又看一次，然後妳說

388
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,200
‎“你知道嗎？我們超美

389
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,680
‎如果這影片只有我們能看太可惜了

390
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:39,760
‎我們應該上傳”

391
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,680
‎然後妳把影片上傳到成人網站

392
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,040
‎我們現在全都看著你們的影片自慰

393
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,520
‎因為我們不跟彼此上床了

394
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,560
‎我想說的是妳必須變醜或變胖
‎不然妳會變A片主角

395
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,680
‎妳知道妳爸一定會看到

396
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,160
‎對

397
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,760
‎妳媽不會知道發生什麼事

398
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,240
‎你知道

399
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,920
‎身為大人的必要經歷是

400
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,120
‎在週日時去父母家

401
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,040
‎等著烤肉上桌，你媽在廚房

402
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,080
‎你和你爸在看垃圾節目

403
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,400
‎然後你媽從廚房探頭出來說

404
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:20,840
‎“嘿，可以幫我看一下電腦嗎？
‎歷史紀錄又被清空了”

405
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,680
‎然後你對你爸說：“王八蛋

406
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,880
‎你不記得你的臉書帳號密碼

407
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,200
‎但卻知道怎麼清除歷史紀錄？”

408
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,960
‎你爸說：“沒事，我晚點幫妳看”

409
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:41,560
‎最好是

410
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,560
‎總之，我想說的是我需要減幾公斤

411
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,240
‎我已經在恐慌了

412
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:55,120
‎因為我的體型已經到了
‎新聞提到澳洲的肥胖危機時

413
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,480
‎我知道我可能是他們拍的路人之一

414
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,680
‎你們都看過，當他們一開口

415
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,680
‎他們說：“我們今天請到一位營養師

416
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,000
‎澳洲的肥胖問題…”

417
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,600
‎你馬上心想：“糟糕

418
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,800
‎他們今天在哪裡拍攝？”

419
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,080
‎當你看到他們出現在你去過的地方

420
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,680
‎你會大喊：“不！

421
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,320
‎他媽的”

422
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,280
‎因為每次被拍到都是穿著運動褲

423
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,240
‎我每次看到胖子小碎步走路

424
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,120
‎我都會想：“你在幹三小？
‎抬頭大步走啊”

425
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,280
‎你們有看過《最大輸家》嗎？

426
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,280
‎有

427
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,760
‎你們知道他們發想出節目概念時

428
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,440
‎方圓十公里內一個胖子都沒有

429
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,640
‎當時有胖子參與的話節目會截然不同

430
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,880
‎他們提出節目概念時
‎他們全都坐在會議室裡

431
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,280
‎穿著瑜珈褲

432
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,960
‎他們說：“好，我們有兩億元預算
‎要做什麼？”

433
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,040
‎行銷部的凱倫說：“這個嘛…

434
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,920
‎要不要找來12個胖子

435
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,000
‎把他們丟進胖子農場

436
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,080
‎然後一天讓他們吃六根胡蘿蔔棒

437
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,240
‎指派超級憤怒的健身教練給他們”

438
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,440
‎反正所有健身教練都是

439
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,840
‎“我們讓超憤怒的健身教練指導他們

440
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,680
‎整天吼他們，逼他們運動

441
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,000
‎然後把胡蘿蔔棒吐出來”

442
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,720
‎大家說：“好喔”

443
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,720
‎就算當時會議室有胖子他也會說

444
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,360
‎“很嚴苛，但有可看性”

445
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,320
‎你們就看過

446
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,200
‎然後他們問：“凱倫，然後呢？”

447
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,680
‎“這個嘛，然後我們監督他們的進度

448
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,960
‎我們每週幫他們量一次體重

449
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,520
‎讓他們穿著可愛的服裝

450
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,320
‎然後在他們後面

451
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,720
‎有他們看不到的超大LED燈

452
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,680
‎我們在上面寫他們原本體重

453
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,360
‎現在體重、身體質量指數和精子數

454
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,920
‎然後我們給他們打分數”

455
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,480
‎如果此時會議室裡有胖子

456
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,320
‎此刻他會說：“給我等一下

457
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,840
‎等一下，給我等一下

458
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,120
‎妳說可愛的服裝是指什麼？“

459
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:10,520
‎她說：“我想的是車褲和運動內衣”

460
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,480
‎不

461
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,040
‎因為你知道嗎？超過兩歲的人

462
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,160
‎穿那樣不可能好看

463
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,840
‎世上唯一能穿車褲和運動內衣的人

464
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,720
‎是兩歲以下的幼兒

465
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,280
‎還有奧運選手

466
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,840
‎沒了，明天早上你醒來後

467
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,440
‎要穿車褲時請自問：“我兩歲了嗎？”

468
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,520
‎如果答案是肯定的，再問自己

469
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:36,960
‎“我是奧運選手嗎？”

470
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,640
‎如果答案是否定的，把車褲給我脫下

471
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,160
‎因為大家都知道那個穿搭的問題在哪

472
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,280
‎特別是一定年紀的女人

473
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,040
‎像是我四十幾歲了

474
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,680
‎你知道我每天最大的難題是什麼嗎？

475
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,120
‎讓我的奶頭對齊

476
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,600
‎我每天早上醒來穿胸罩時

477
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,640
‎好像在解兩個很複雜的魔術方塊

478
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,080
‎算了，塞進褲子

479
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,800
‎凱倫，中間沒有布料時沒辦法
‎把它塞進褲子

480
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,480
‎因為看起來會像是肉色圍巾

481
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,440
‎胖子不喜歡量體重

482
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,560
‎所以我們不喜歡跳傘

483
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:37,120
‎另外還有我們會嚇壞要跟我們一起
‎雙人跳傘的教練

484
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,800
‎跳傘前要量體重

485
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,600
‎然後用奇異筆把體重寫在手上

486
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,480
‎我不想跳傘結束三天後還得跟別人說

487
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,960
‎“這個不是電話號碼”

488
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,280
‎如果由我負責籌劃《最大輸家》

489
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:04,840
‎節目走向會截然不同

490
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,080
‎首先是我會找的參賽者

491
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,600
‎我找的《最大輸家》參賽者
‎是從來不說謝謝的人

492
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,640
‎像是開車時你讓旁邊的車切進來

493
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:15,320
‎通常要試個幾次

494
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,720
‎才能讓他們進來，你會…

495
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,200
‎然後他們切進來…

496
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:28,440
‎然後你等待

497
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,120
‎但他們竟然繼續向前開

498
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,880
‎好像他們切入空檔後說：“我的”

499
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,800
‎你是野蠻人養大的嗎？

500
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,480
‎你切進來後竟然沒有舉手致意

501
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,960
‎謝謝禮讓你的後車？

502
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:49,400
‎只需要這樣

503
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,960
‎因為如果你不向後車駕駛道謝

504
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,080
‎你讓道路變得不安全

505
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,680
‎因為現在我得拼命超你車

506
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,120
‎收回我做的好事

507
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,200
‎因為你是野蠻人養大的

508
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,160
‎就像是開車時遇到行人要過馬路

509
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,040
‎你停車，旁邊的車也停

510
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,440
‎然後行人走過去後向他道謝

511
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,520
‎卻直接走過你的車
‎你心想…

512
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:24,160
‎“現在是怎樣？

513
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,800
‎我跟他做一樣的事

514
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:28,840
‎我的謝謝呢？”

515
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,920
‎如果他已經走過你車三分之二
‎但還沒開始把手舉起來

516
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:33,840
‎開車撞他吧

517
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:38,800
‎不是要殺死他

518
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,240
‎只是把他撞倒，讓你能跟他好好聊聊

519
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,680
‎然後你跳下車，說

520
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,560
‎“別擔心，我來就好，我是醫療人員

521
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,120
‎我有嬌小的陰道”

522
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,920
‎“王八蛋，我的謝謝呢？”

523
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,000
‎那些人都要參加我拍的《最大輸家》

524
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,560
‎或是在工作時，你在員工餐廳

525
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,240
‎你只想默默吃三明治但卻聽到…

526
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,320
‎你看過去，他就在那

527
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,760
‎你說：“真是的，布萊恩

528
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,680
‎可以讓茶放涼一分鐘嗎？

529
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:16,480
‎茶的溫度會降到一定程度…

530
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,480
‎讓你可以直接喝

531
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:25,000
‎你就不會聽起來像是在嚴重意外中
‎失去了上唇

532
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:30,240
‎你竟然還把下唇捲的像吸管一樣

533
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,040
‎試圖從杯底把茶包吸出來”

534
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,640
‎布萊恩也要參加《最大輸家》

535
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,520
‎或是那位總是不讓你把話說完的朋友

536
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:42,720
‎你們已經認識好幾年

537
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,000
‎她只看過你這樣

538
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,160
‎《最大輸家》

539
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:55,200
‎或是如果有右翼政客說了超蠢的話

540
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,200
‎讓你想用頭撞釘子

541
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,080
‎他們也是參賽者，你知道是誰

542
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,640
‎像是不過被雞蛋砸到頭

543
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,760
‎就想要揍丟雞蛋的少年的人

544
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:13,920
‎去參賽

545
00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:18,720
‎然後我們要給他們無法達成的挑戰

546
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,200
‎像是不讓胖小孩拿到餅乾

547
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,600
‎如果他們失敗，我們就用紙割他們

548
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,520
‎我不是野蠻人帶大的

549
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:32,240
‎我了解每個人的狀況不太一樣

550
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,360
‎例如唏哩呼嚕喝茶的人

551
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,120
‎跟右翼政客不是同一個等級

552
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,840
‎所以我們用不同等級的紙割他們

553
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:42,760
‎唏哩呼嚕喝茶的人和插嘴的人

554
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:44,680
‎用150磅的紙割他們

555
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,480
‎不說謝謝的用路人，沒禮貌的人

556
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,320
‎用300磅銅版紙割他們

557
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,000
‎右翼政客呢

558
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:55,480
‎用X光片割

559
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,680
‎然後我們會用辣椒油抹他們傷口

560
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,720
‎我知道，我有很多時間想這些

561
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,760
‎你們去健身房時我都在想這些

562
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,160
‎有人說：“為什麼胖子整天坐著？”

563
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:13,040
‎因為我們在忙著想這些

564
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,240
‎好啦，這可能有點誇張

565
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,680
‎也許比較像是…比起要減重的胖子

566
00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,480
‎我覺得其他人是更大的輸家

567
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,000
‎像是如果你和朋友一起上車

568
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,360
‎若是他開車，你對朋友表達的是

569
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:34,280
‎我將我最寶貴的東西交付給你

570
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:35,640
‎我的生命

571
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,000
‎因為沒有生命什麼都不能做，對吧？

572
00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:40,800
‎你們出發

573
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,560
‎因為你們住在墨爾本，突然開始下雨

574
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:51,480
‎他沒開雨刷

575
00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:53,600
‎好

576
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:54,760
‎我不想當那種人

577
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,160
‎但你知道身為乘客

578
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,080
‎看到駕駛開的方向有多重要

579
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,080
‎不然你要怎麼做出對的…

580
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,080
‎你不想說什麼

581
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,640
‎所以你稍微把身子挪下去一點

582
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,280
‎一點點

583
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,600
‎因為在儀表板正上方，雨刷正下方

584
00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,520
‎總是有個奇怪的半月形可以看出去

585
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:25,600
‎但是你開始恐慌

586
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:27,600
‎你想起你老婆買了一個枕頭給你

587
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,440
‎上面寫著活出精彩人生

588
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,800
‎妳心想：“幹，我要活出精彩人生

589
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:33,560
‎我想繼續活下去

590
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:34,840
‎我應該說些什麼”

591
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,160
‎“把雨刷打開”

592
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,440
‎他說：“糟糕，我沒發現下雨了”

593
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,240
‎“你知道你在開車吧？”

594
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:50,520
‎因為是在墨爾本

595
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,400
‎五分鐘後雨停了

596
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,160
‎他沒把雨刷關掉

597
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:06,320
‎他不僅眼前有東西動來動去

598
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,000
‎像是說著：“朋友，你搞砸了”

599
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,680
‎還有一點背景音效

600
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:13,960
‎因為太乾

601
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,040
‎雨刷在你面前做詭異的三連跳

602
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,000
‎它回來時會…

603
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:22,120
‎你不安全

604
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,560
‎你需要解開安全帶

605
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,640
‎打開車門，抱著頭滾出去

606
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:31,920
‎那種人是比你更大的輸家

607
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,040
‎但你知道，因為現在有社群媒體

608
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,960
‎我們常陷入覺得自己是輸家的情境

609
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,240
‎因為我們會看到其他人的美好人生

610
00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,040
‎因為他們有超棒的濾鏡

611
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:46,400
‎你開始相信他們頁面上的超棒假象

612
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,320
‎因為雖然理智上知道那都是騙人的

613
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,400
‎你認識他本人，他人生一團亂

614
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,640
‎但你看到還是會覺得他的人生比較好

615
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:55,840
‎然後就覺得自己是輸家

616
00:32:56,320 --> 00:33:00,000
‎但那不是事實
‎就像如果你提早20分鐘到派對現場

617
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:01,320
‎你不是輸家

618
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:02,360
‎你是聰明人

619
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:05,200
‎因為通常這時食物已經擺出來了

620
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:07,840
‎食物已經擺出來了

621
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:09,920
‎他們還在佈置場地

622
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:11,360
‎所以你可以參與

623
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,240
‎你說：“請繼續，不用理我”

624
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,920
‎你看著桌子心想：“酪梨醬好像不錯

625
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,720
‎我要試試

626
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:25,960
‎我要幫她試菜

627
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,440
‎需要的話我能提供寶貴意見”

628
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:30,640
‎你拿起一片洋芋片

629
00:33:32,080 --> 00:33:33,440
‎你不是笨蛋

630
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,680
‎你知道要慢慢來

631
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,720
‎你有接觸過食物

632
00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:41,120
‎別擔心

633
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,720
‎當洋芋片斷掉…

634
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,600
‎你對自己超失望

635
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:51,040
‎你心想：“我怎麼會活到這歲數
‎卻還搞不定零食？”

636
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,360
‎因為現在你知道你麻煩大了

637
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,760
‎你最好趁她出來前把洋芋片弄出來

638
00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,920
‎你可不想在其他客人到場前
‎就把食物弄亂

639
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:04,760
‎你要再拿一片洋芋片

640
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,000
‎但要拿一片堅固的，像是…

641
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:10,840
‎你知道，要有弧度的那種

642
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:14,880
‎有弧度的洋芋片架構比其他的穩固

643
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,160
‎所以你拿一片有弧度的
‎另外，小撇步

644
00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:23,360
‎這種通常也比較有味道，因為…

645
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:24,440
‎總之…

646
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:27,440
‎你拿了洋芋片

647
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:29,200
‎你不是笨蛋

648
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,160
‎你知道要慢慢來

649
00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:35,760
‎你要慢慢包覆第一片

650
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,200
‎讓它有點…不要太接近

651
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,280
‎那樣可能會破壞結構…

652
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:41,680
‎所以要…

653
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,360
‎當第二片也斷掉

654
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,880
‎你開始質疑你身為大人做過的
‎每一個決定

655
00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:52,600
‎“我不應該獨自一人在這”

656
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:58,040
‎你知道得在主人出現前
‎把洋芋片弄出來

657
00:34:58,120 --> 00:34:59,720
‎有兩片洋芋片卡在裡面

658
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,680
‎你不會再拿一片，你不是白痴

659
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,640
‎你要從錯誤中學習

660
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:10,200
‎你不想讓她看到酪梨醬裡
‎有兩片斷一半的洋芋片

661
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,840
‎周圍還有條護城河

662
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:25,840
‎當你第二指節也插進去時

663
00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:27,800
‎她出現了，把你逮個正著

664
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,440
‎就像在高中舞會…

665
00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:34,200
‎你們四目交接

666
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,920
‎有人現在才聽懂

667
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,280
‎手還在酪梨醬裡

668
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:57,640
‎她走出來，她跟你四目交接

669
00:35:58,320 --> 00:35:59,760
‎她看著你，你看著她

670
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:01,640
‎她知道你的手插在酪梨醬裡

671
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,720
‎你知道你的手插在酪梨醬裡

672
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,920
‎你們互看，因為你不知道該何時…

673
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,160
‎把手抽出來

674
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,760
‎擇日不如撞日，所以你把手抽出來

675
00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,240
‎現在有了更大的難題

676
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:16,720
‎要甩掉還是舔掉？

677
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:22,720
‎她瞪著你，視線完全沒有移開

678
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,280
‎她看著妳，把碗拿走，說

679
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,200
‎“反正我對這道菜不是很滿意”

680
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:32,080
‎她走進廚房，你聽到她把碗摔在水槽

681
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:34,040
‎你覺得自己是超級輸家，你心想

682
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,520
‎“現在不是酪梨產季，她花了400元”

683
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,560
‎你不是輸家，但你沒有想到的是

684
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:44,080
‎如果你通常晚20分鐘到

685
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,560
‎那酪梨醬已經放在桌上40分鐘

686
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,640
‎慢慢變成室溫

687
00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:50,000
‎變得超級滑順

688
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,880
‎你隨便用什麼都能輕鬆挖起來

689
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,240
‎你能用希望和夢想把酪梨醬送到嘴裡

690
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,560
‎你不知道這點，因為你不是廚師

691
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:02,800
‎我也不是，但我是美食愛好者

692
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:09,400
‎拒絕免費的東西不會讓你變成輸家

693
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:12,160
‎我常常拒絕免費的東西

694
00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,920
‎但我們現在身處的世代

695
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:15,920
‎有種職業叫網紅

696
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:20,200
‎他們因為工作常常收到免費的東西

697
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:25,120
‎如果有人問你要不要免費的東西
‎沒有人會拒絕

698
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:27,760
‎除非是傳單，那你就會拒絕

699
00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:30,680
‎但常常有人要給我免費東西

700
00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:31,720
‎我都拒絕

701
00:37:31,800 --> 00:37:33,120
‎特別是在飛機上

702
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,280
‎他們總問我：“要緊急出口座位嗎？”

703
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:36,320
‎都不是問商務艙

704
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:37,480
‎總是緊急出口座位

705
00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:39,000
‎我說：“不用，謝謝”

706
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:42,120
‎後面會有十個人說

707
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,640
‎“她剛拒絕了緊急出口座位嗎？”

708
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,880
‎我拒絕時他們超生氣

709
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:48,560
‎我說：“對，我不需要”

710
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:49,760
‎我身高160公分

711
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,560
‎我的膝蓋從沒碰過前排座位

712
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:57,760
‎因為我上身很長

713
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:05,640
‎搭某些航空時，我的腳碰不到地

714
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:08,680
‎給其他需要的人吧

715
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:11,880
‎反正我也覺得自己訓練不夠
‎不適合坐那位置

716
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,560
‎我不知道那些空姐去哪上空中學校

717
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,200
‎但我沒上過

718
00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:19,680
‎我覺得那樣的訓練不夠

719
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:22,200
‎他們會在起飛前問你

720
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:26,280
‎“你有讀過飛安說明了嗎？”

721
00:38:27,440 --> 00:38:31,080
‎我回答：“沒有，因為上面都是圖片

722
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:36,080
‎圖片不是用讀的，是用看的

723
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,600
‎我現在受到的訓練比你多了嗎？

724
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,560
‎我要負責這一個航班嗎？

725
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:46,720
‎我只是來吃點心的

726
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,560
‎你可以讓我坐廁所附近，我不介意”

727
00:38:50,600 --> 00:38:52,480
‎你不是輸家

728
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,200
‎如果你某天七點起床時心想

729
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,200
‎“今天超不順”

730
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:01,960
‎你了解你自己

731
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,760
‎你不需要過完一整天也知道會很不順

732
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:07,400
‎有時候在睜眼之前就知道了

733
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:09,200
‎你心想：“嗯，今天會超不順”

734
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,400
‎如果你早上七點睜開眼睛

735
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:16,200
‎你說：“去他的，我要在三點前喝掛”

736
00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:18,680
‎那就喝吧

737
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:21,800
‎喝吧，那就是愛自己

738
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:23,520
‎你要愛自己

739
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,120
‎當然，如果過去15年內

740
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:29,240
‎你每天早上都做出這種決定

741
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:30,840
‎那就有問題了

742
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,960
‎但如果你每一年半或兩年
‎才會有“今天超不順”的念頭

743
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:36,880
‎那就喝吧

744
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:39,760
‎為什麼社會可以接受中午開喝

745
00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:41,280
‎卻不能接受早上七點開喝？

746
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:44,920
‎如果你朋友早上七點打給你

747
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,000
‎那會很怪，但如果他打給你說

748
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,200
‎“你在幹嘛？”

749
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:49,800
‎“我剛倒了杯葡萄酒”

750
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:53,720
‎他會覺得你瘋了

751
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,640
‎但同樣一位朋友可以在中午打給你說

752
00:39:56,720 --> 00:39:57,880
‎“你在幹嘛？”

753
00:39:57,960 --> 00:39:59,200
‎“我剛倒了杯葡萄酒”

754
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,440
‎他會說：“嗯，現在地球某處是中午”

755
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:03,120
‎你說：“這裡就是中午，卡拉”

756
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:11,800
‎我不懂為什麼我們要因為幾個小時
‎讓自己壓力那麼大

757
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:14,040
‎我好幾次醒來後

758
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:17,640
‎我把盒裝酒拿出來放在廚房檯面上

759
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,040
‎我看著它，心想

760
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:23,160
‎“我要把水嘴拿出來讓它透氣嗎？”

761
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,440
‎因為那是盒裝酒最麻煩的步驟

762
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,880
‎你得把包裝拆掉，把水嘴弄出來

763
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,560
‎它總是在盒子深處

764
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,080
‎你要把手整個伸進去

765
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:37,560
‎感覺就像在牧場工作一樣

766
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:40,360
‎“我摸到蹄了”

767
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:42,800
‎你把水嘴拉出來

768
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,080
‎每一次洞口總是朝向那邊

769
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,400
‎你得把整個袋子拉開

770
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,560
‎慢慢讓水嘴下來

771
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:53,920
‎好像有人一聽到盒裝酒就不想聽了

772
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,800
‎你心想：“盒裝酒？”

773
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,920
‎我不管你現在財務狀況如何

774
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:05,840
‎但這裡所有人

775
00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:09,240
‎一定都曾經喝過盒裝酒

776
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,120
‎對

777
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:17,840
‎也許有些人說：“我才沒喝過”

778
00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:23,640
‎你有喝過

779
00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:26,400
‎如果你有沒文化的朋友
‎你就有喝過盒裝酒

780
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:30,040
‎我愛招待大家

781
00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:32,160
‎我常常請朋友來我家

782
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,000
‎他們問我需要帶什麼時

783
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,320
‎我總是說：“空手來就好，寶貝”

784
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:40,800
‎我會把舊酒瓶的酒標洗掉

785
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:43,360
‎然後把盒裝酒倒進去

786
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:47,960
‎別擔心

787
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:49,800
‎我還會套一點粉紅酒

788
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,360
‎我會搞這一整套，然後…

789
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:58,440
‎那麼多年來從來沒有人在晚餐時說

790
00:41:58,520 --> 00:41:59,480
‎“不好意思

791
00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:02,880
‎我們今晚喝的是什麼鬼東西？”

792
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:06,320
‎沒有，他們通常會說

793
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,720
‎“這是哪裡買的？”

794
00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:10,920
‎我總是回答：“出遊時買的”

795
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:13,880
‎他們推定…

796
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:15,520
‎到其他國家出遊

797
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:17,200
‎但我其實只是去酒品店

798
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,520
‎不過他們隔天早上就知道了

799
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,720
‎因為你知道喝完盒裝酒的隔天早上

800
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,120
‎那種宿醉跟喝好酒的宿醉完全不同

801
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:33,080
‎喝完好酒後帶著宿醉醒來是

802
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:37,160
‎“哇，2009年中奧塔哥那支…

803
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:40,520
‎那黑皮諾的堅果香

804
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:43,320
‎會在三點半回來咬我一口”

805
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,440
‎但你知道喝盒裝酒隔天會：“哇

806
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,200
‎撒旦昨晚幹了我的頭顱

807
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:06,520
‎而且他屌超大”

808
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,440
‎你不是輸家

809
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,080
‎喝盒裝酒對全家人都很好

810
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:16,840
‎你喝完後可以把紙盒拆起來

811
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:17,960
‎丟給貓咪

812
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:18,920
‎牠會拿去玩

813
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:21,320
‎你把塑膠袋吹起來，小孩會拿去玩

814
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,400
‎你是年度最佳母親

815
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,160
‎對

816
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:28,680
‎你不是輸家…

817
00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:31,640
‎如果你去你媽家

818
00:43:31,720 --> 00:43:33,600
‎可能吃了很豐盛的一餐

819
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:35,960
‎你吃了第二碗，她還拿甜點給你吃

820
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,280
‎還用小塑膠袋裝了剩菜給你

821
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,800
‎因為她覺得你不會把保鮮盒還她

822
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:47,400
‎現在你得帶著裝著義大利麵的塑膠袋
‎開車回家

823
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:53,960
‎“希望不會出車禍，不然很難解釋”

824
00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:01,320
‎你很飽，然後你在五金行短暫停留

825
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:03,160
‎因為你需要新的工具腰帶

826
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:11,520
‎你踏出車子的那一刻就聞到了

827
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:14,800
‎你聞到了烤香腸的香味

828
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:16,600
‎就像是搭飛機時

829
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,520
‎你不餓，你剛享用九道菜的味覺饗宴

830
00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:21,840
‎你超飽，你說：“我超飽”

831
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,400
‎但只要聽到餐車的輪子聲

832
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:25,400
‎你就慌了

833
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:27,880
‎你慌了，你大喊：“雞肉！”

834
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:34,560
‎在五金行下車時就是這樣

835
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:36,520
‎你說：“要”

836
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,600
‎你不是為了美食去的

837
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,520
‎我們就直說吧

838
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:42,000
‎那不是美食

839
00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:45,120
‎你知道那些香腸基本上是素的

840
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:48,760
‎它是用木屑跟山羊口水做的

841
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,800
‎而且口水是山羊捐的

842
00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:54,600
‎山羊看著香腸說：“我才不吃”

843
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,920
‎但是那裡的氣氛太歡樂了

844
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,720
‎你看著那些人，他們總是很快樂

845
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:03,640
‎因為要特定個性的人

846
00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:06,440
‎才會每週都去那裡烤香腸

847
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:09,120
‎你看著他們，他們就…

848
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:19,120
‎我想要被那種歡樂氣氛圍繞

849
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,080
‎你從車上翻出一個金幣

850
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:24,080
‎你走向他們，給他們金幣

851
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:26,080
‎然後把手伸出去

852
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:28,440
‎很少有機會

853
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:30,680
‎能讓大人走向另一個大人

854
00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:32,040
‎把手伸出去說

855
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:33,280
‎“把食物放在上面

856
00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:37,840
‎我車上已經有一袋義大利麵”

857
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:42,960
‎然後他拿張紙巾

858
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:45,040
‎放在你手上

859
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:48,560
‎然後把你人生中看過最薄的吐司
‎放在上面

860
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:52,600
‎我家將它稱為神奇吐司
‎因為不可能在上面塗醬

861
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:54,480
‎你可以試試看

862
00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:56,640
‎但你一塗中間就不見了

863
00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:01,600
‎在家裡根本找不到，直接消失

864
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:04,880
‎只剩下吐司邊的詭異框框

865
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:08,480
‎你拿了紙巾

866
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,640
‎他放上神奇吐司，然後是炸洋蔥

867
00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:13,160
‎然後是香腸

868
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:15,840
‎然後在上面淋番茄醬

869
00:46:15,920 --> 00:46:17,400
‎那個醬跟番茄一點關係都沒有

870
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:19,600
‎說實在的，那鬼東西會發光

871
00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,120
‎現在你手上有食物

872
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:27,160
‎小撇步，你應該把它捲起來

873
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:30,360
‎要把整個像這樣捲起來

874
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:33,960
‎因為如果是平的很難入口

875
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:40,440
‎如果是平的，那就是個問題

876
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:44,160
‎但只要把它捲起來，那就是一餐

877
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:47,720
‎你走進五金行

878
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:50,000
‎尋找跟你一樣的人

879
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:52,840
‎你尋找其他買香腸的人

880
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:55,040
‎你看到他們時會…

881
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:02,320
‎“我們做了相同的決定

882
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,440
‎我們都來這，我們都有這個

883
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:13,440
‎我是說工作腰帶”

884
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:16,280
‎然後你開始吃

885
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:17,680
‎神奇的事發生了

886
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:19,960
‎在你離開烤肉攤的那一刻

887
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:22,040
‎洋蔥變得冷冰冰

888
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:25,840
‎但香腸卻變熱

889
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:29,640
‎應該是香腸裡黏著劑的效果

890
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:34,200
‎所以你吃的時候要小心

891
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,560
‎你用牙齒進攻，像是熱烘烘的馬鈴薯

892
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:39,200
‎讓你可以從後面呼吸

893
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,280
‎對它呼一點氣

894
00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:47,160
‎是很靠牙齒的策略

895
00:47:47,240 --> 00:47:48,640
‎像是第一次吹喇叭

896
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:57,280
‎你在店裡走著，大概走了一半

897
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,520
‎你一看才發現：“幹，我吃到紙巾了”

898
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:06,440
‎你不是輸家，那才是有營養的部分

899
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:11,280
‎不過…

900
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,600
‎我們開始…有人笑到發出豬叫聲嗎？

901
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:15,720
‎太棒了

902
00:48:16,920 --> 00:48:19,200
‎我愛剛剛大家都說：“就是她”

903
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:23,640
‎她又不是拉在椅子上

904
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,240
‎我喝點水

905
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:32,400
‎我會不時走過來喝點水

906
00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:38,560
‎我每次喝水，樓下的服裝師都會…

907
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,360
‎擔心我把水倒到胸部上

908
00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:46,720
‎因為如果你了解我

909
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:49,280
‎你就知道我百分之百會做那種事

910
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,160
‎這不是我今晚本來要穿的上衣

911
00:48:52,240 --> 00:48:53,080
‎但…

912
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,640
‎我原本有件配這條長褲的上衣

913
00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:00,840
‎但上面有大概半公升的奶油雞

914
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,160
‎所以有人做出了決策

915
00:49:08,080 --> 00:49:11,120
‎我說：“讓我穿有污漬的上衣就好

916
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:15,080
‎因為老實說大家未來會看到我的樣子
‎就是那樣”

917
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:19,280
‎大家在路上看到我時

918
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:23,240
‎我的胸口通常都有食物，但…

919
00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,560
‎看來那是大禁忌

920
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:27,960
‎好

921
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:29,080
‎繼續

922
00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:31,240
‎我們做的某些事

923
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:33,440
‎我們以為我們做得很好，其實沒有

924
00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:35,120
‎例如夾腳拖

925
00:49:36,240 --> 00:49:37,320
‎夾拖

926
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:39,720
‎人字拖

927
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:41,960
‎夾腳涼鞋

928
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:43,920
‎那是南非人的稱呼方式

929
00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:47,600
‎我們永遠不會看到世界和平…

930
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:50,840
‎除非我們用同一個詞稱呼這種鞋子

931
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,600
‎世界各處都有不同的說法

932
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,560
‎如果你現在搭飛機飛去沒去過的地方

933
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:00,120
‎下飛機，找間商店問店員說

934
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:01,160
‎“不好意思…

935
00:50:01,240 --> 00:50:03,240
‎我想找一種夏天的鞋子…

936
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:06,880
‎可以像這樣把腳趾穿過去”

937
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:08,840
‎“噢，你是說…”

938
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,600
‎我們根本不會質疑為什麼是這個名字

939
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:19,600
‎我們只會說：“對，我想買藍色的…”

940
00:50:23,720 --> 00:50:25,720
‎那種鞋子的問題是

941
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:27,840
‎它沒有附上使用說明

942
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:30,160
‎可是真的應該附

943
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:33,960
‎我以前從來沒穿過
‎因為我小時候住在南非的農場

944
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:36,320
‎那裡有蛇和蠍子之類的

945
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:38,320
‎所以不能穿那種鞋

946
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:41,680
‎我第一次買那種鞋子是我三十幾歲時

947
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:43,880
‎我十三年前到紐西蘭時

948
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:45,680
‎沒人阻止我

949
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:48,960
‎我買了一雙，我走出店門口時
‎沒人攔住我說：“欸

950
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,360
‎妳有穿過那種鞋嗎？”

951
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:55,120
‎“我沒有”

952
00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:56,120
‎“過來

953
00:50:57,280 --> 00:50:58,720
‎只是提醒一下…

954
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:03,000
‎如果有一滴水氣滴到鞋子內側

955
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:04,720
‎你死定了

956
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:11,600
‎如果有一滴水氣滴到鞋子外側

957
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:12,920
‎你死定了

958
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:17,640
‎也不要妄想…

959
00:51:17,720 --> 00:51:19,080
‎能用跑的…

960
00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:21,840
‎從你的車…

961
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,080
‎在大雷雨中…

962
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:27,800
‎跑到購物中心

963
00:51:28,440 --> 00:51:30,440
‎購物中心門口還鋪了磁磚

964
00:51:33,520 --> 00:51:36,240
‎因為不管你身體有沒有準備好

965
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:38,480
‎你一定會大劈腿”

966
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:44,600
‎你說：“好喔”

967
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:47,240
‎正要走出去時，他說：“還有一件事

968
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:48,960
‎順帶一提

969
00:51:49,360 --> 00:51:50,360
‎那雙鞋子啊

970
00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:52,800
‎它們只能往前

971
00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:56,720
‎我們稱之為單向的鞋子

972
00:51:57,920 --> 00:52:00,400
‎對，想往旁邊跨一步？

973
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:01,320
‎你死定了

974
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:04,440
‎想往後跨一步？

975
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:06,520
‎我叔叔試過，他死了”

976
00:52:08,520 --> 00:52:10,560
‎那種鞋子有夠複雜

977
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:11,880
‎它應該要附上警告標語

978
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:15,040
‎然後派人在你剛買的那一週
‎跟你住在一起

979
00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:16,800
‎我買了一雙

980
00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:20,480
‎我和我老婆帶孩子去她的老家費爾丁

981
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:22,200
‎那裡是很小的農家社區

982
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:24,640
‎在紐西蘭北島中間

983
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,960
‎沒有那個人表現得那麼有趣

984
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:33,760
‎那裡每半小時都沒有任何事發生
‎而且通常長達一小時

985
00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:37,840
‎我們帶著孩子們到處晃晃

986
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,880
‎然後花了兩分鐘就看完了…

987
00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:45,600
‎我幫我的兩歲小孩扣上汽座的安全帶

988
00:52:45,680 --> 00:52:48,760
‎讓那個有打疫苗的傢伙坐在汽座上

989
00:52:50,640 --> 00:52:51,920
‎然後我忘了

990
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:54,720
‎我穿著死亡之鞋

991
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:57,240
‎你們知道幫小孩扣上安全帶後

992
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,640
‎必須往旁邊跨一步才能關車門

993
00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:02,480
‎因為他們力氣太小不能關門

994
00:53:03,160 --> 00:53:05,920
‎但我一往旁邊跨一步，我的身體說

995
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:08,160
‎“好，我們要直接…

996
00:53:09,560 --> 00:53:11,560
‎直接讓妳倒地

997
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:15,400
‎妳會一屁股坐在地上”

998
00:53:15,960 --> 00:53:18,600
‎我的大腦說：“我無法阻止這一切

999
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:20,600
‎自求多福吧”

1000
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:22,760
‎我跌倒的速度超緩慢

1001
00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:25,680
‎我有時間把這個口袋的東西

1002
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:27,240
‎移到這個口袋

1003
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:31,280
‎我有時間把包包移開

1004
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:34,080
‎我緩慢地跌落

1005
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:36,320
‎我跌得超慢

1006
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:40,080
‎我老婆有時間繞過車子看著我問
‎“妳在幹嘛？”

1007
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:43,320
‎我說：“我在跌倒”

1008
00:53:44,640 --> 00:53:45,840
‎她拿出手機

1009
00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:49,680
‎拍了幾張我的照片
‎然後傳給我們通訊群組的所有人

1010
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:52,400
‎我那天學到了寶貴的一課

1011
00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:55,440
‎我學到我正式達到某個年齡體重比例

1012
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:57,000
‎我不再跌倒

1013
00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:00,160
‎我是摔了一跤

1014
00:54:03,720 --> 00:54:06,120
‎你不知道什麼時候會發生

1015
00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:08,080
‎若是五年前

1016
00:54:08,160 --> 00:54:09,960
‎我朋友會問：“妳當時喝醉了嗎？”

1017
00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:13,160
‎現在我會收到一堆關心的表情符號

1018
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:17,800
‎“妳還好嗎？聽說妳摔了一跤”

1019
00:54:19,720 --> 00:54:22,920
‎“才不是，我忘了我穿著死亡之鞋”

1020
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:27,600
‎我們誤以為做得很好的另一件事

1021
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:28,920
‎就是羽絨外套

1022
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:30,240
‎特別是…

1023
00:54:32,400 --> 00:54:35,760
‎特別是墨爾本，你們都亂穿羽絨外套

1024
00:54:36,360 --> 00:54:39,880
‎我認為今天的天氣算是普通

1025
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:43,920
‎如果你是怕冷的人

1026
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:46,320
‎也許穿件長袖

1027
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:52,240
‎你知道我今天看到什麼嗎？
‎我路過兩個穿著羽絨外套的女生

1028
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,280
‎而且是到小腿肚那種

1029
00:54:55,240 --> 00:54:56,320
‎拉鍊拉到底

1030
00:54:57,280 --> 00:55:00,560
‎把拉鍊拉到底是很大膽的宣言

1031
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:03,000
‎有時候你會說：“聽著，我帶去上班

1032
00:55:03,080 --> 00:55:05,080
‎我沒手拿，所以我要穿著回家

1033
00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:07,480
‎我沒拉拉鍊，所以還是有微風”

1034
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:09,960
‎當你把拉鍊拉起來，你就是對大家說

1035
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:11,360
‎“我冷死了”

1036
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:15,360
‎但我看著那兩個女生，我心想

1037
00:55:15,800 --> 00:55:17,400
‎“妳們有聽說什麼嗎？”

1038
00:55:18,720 --> 00:55:22,520
‎說真的，那不是很驚人嗎？
‎如果到了下午三點

1039
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:25,160
‎突然出現暴風雪，雪下到耳垂這麼高

1040
00:55:26,440 --> 00:55:28,200
‎那兩個女生就會說

1041
00:55:28,280 --> 00:55:29,480
‎“我就知道”

1042
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,280
‎那些外套的設計

1043
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:38,960
‎是為了讓南極的人不會冷死

1044
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:41,120
‎如果你的同事是雪巴

1045
00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:42,680
‎那你需要一件

1046
00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:46,960
‎但如果你的同事是不能好好喝茶的
‎布萊恩

1047
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:48,040
‎那你就不需要

1048
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:50,960
‎你的未來是洋蔥式穿搭

1049
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:52,760
‎拿件開襟衫跟圍巾

1050
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:53,920
‎這樣就行

1051
00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:56,680
‎我每次來這裡都很困惑

1052
00:55:56,760 --> 00:56:00,200
‎因為我飛到澳洲後總是直接去飯店

1053
00:56:00,280 --> 00:56:01,560
‎裡面都有空調

1054
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:02,800
‎在某一刻我會想

1055
00:56:02,880 --> 00:56:05,520
‎“我應該出去走走，不知道天氣如何”

1056
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:08,720
‎我看向窗外的行人，心想

1057
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,320
‎“好喔

1058
00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:13,720
‎完全看不出來”

1059
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:18,560
‎因為有三分之二的人都穿著羽絨外套

1060
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:21,320
‎配短褲跟死亡之鞋

1061
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,800
‎我不知道到底是怎樣
‎是要下大雪了還是要在後院打板球？

1062
00:56:30,200 --> 00:56:32,760
‎大家每天都會做蠢事

1063
00:56:32,840 --> 00:56:34,040
‎那不代表你是輸家

1064
00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:37,000
‎人生不順遂不代表你是輸家

1065
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:39,360
‎我覺得社會中真正的輸家

1066
00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:43,000
‎是在網路上攻擊別人無法改變的
‎事情的人

1067
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:47,480
‎如果你曾經上網攻擊其他人的長相

1068
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:49,200
‎你他媽有什麼毛病？

1069
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:51,560
‎在奧運中

1070
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:53,600
‎有個女生贏得金牌

1071
00:56:53,720 --> 00:56:55,720
‎我讀了報導，恭喜她

1072
00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:59,680
‎然後我不知道為什麼腦抽點了留言版

1073
00:57:00,440 --> 00:57:02,600
‎如果你想對人性喪失希望

1074
00:57:02,680 --> 00:57:05,520
‎點開新聞留言版看就好

1075
00:57:06,520 --> 00:57:08,040
‎那則新聞的第一則留言就是

1076
00:57:08,560 --> 00:57:10,560
‎“恭喜她，但她真醜”

1077
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:14,600
‎我點開那個男人的個人檔案，心想

1078
00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:16,320
‎“他長得也沒有很好看啊

1079
00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:20,560
‎除非他出生時臉被弄到了”

1080
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:24,520
‎竟然有那種自信…

1081
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:28,000
‎如果你要攻擊他人的外貌
‎你最好長得超級好看

1082
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:31,000
‎不能是普通好看

1083
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:33,280
‎要超級無敵好看

1084
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:36,960
‎那樣我點開你的個人檔案就會想
‎“好吧，很公平”

1085
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:42,120
‎但我不懂為什麼要攻擊別人的長相

1086
00:57:42,200 --> 00:57:44,200
‎因為她的長相又不是自己決定的

1087
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:47,200
‎如果我們能決定自己的長相
‎我們會超美

1088
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:50,080
‎我會美到讓你不敢直視

1089
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:54,280
‎我不需要有人介紹我出場

1090
00:57:54,360 --> 00:57:55,680
‎你會知道我到了

1091
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:57,080
‎因為你也到了

1092
00:57:58,880 --> 00:57:59,720
‎對

1093
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:04,120
‎他說：“噢，她到了，因為我到了”

1094
00:58:07,560 --> 00:58:10,280
‎如果你真的對某人的外貌有意見

1095
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,080
‎找出他爸爸的臉書，私訊問他

1096
00:58:12,160 --> 00:58:13,480
‎“兄弟，發生什麼事？”

1097
00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:19,080
‎或是攻擊別人的性向

1098
00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:21,560
‎因為你們知道性向不是種選擇

1099
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:24,320
‎天啊，你們知道性向不是選擇吧？

1100
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:29,160
‎我心想：“不會吧？這場的觀眾…

1101
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:32,280
‎這場觀眾會害我崩潰”

1102
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:33,880
‎說：“性向是種選擇

1103
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:37,840
‎我們來自浸信會…

1104
00:58:40,280 --> 00:58:41,600
‎我們相信性向是種選擇

1105
00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:43,600
‎妳做的是錯的選擇

1106
00:58:44,200 --> 00:58:46,040
‎我們要來圍圈圈”

1107
00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:50,240
‎你們知道性向不是選擇

1108
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:53,080
‎如果可以選，世界上不會有直女

1109
00:58:57,480 --> 00:59:01,880
‎無意冒犯男性…我愛你們

1110
00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:03,520
‎但你們有看過你們的蛋蛋嗎？

1111
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,240
‎那不是你的最佳資產

1112
00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:14,200
‎需要時間習慣

1113
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:20,600
‎我覺得如果性向可以選

1114
00:59:20,680 --> 00:59:24,840
‎女生第一次走進房間看到裸男時
‎會說：“噢

1115
00:59:35,720 --> 00:59:37,520
‎我要去找鮑魚

1116
00:59:39,600 --> 00:59:40,960
‎我就不打擾你了”

1117
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:47,240
‎你們知道有多難向金星女同志
‎解釋蛋蛋的樣子嗎？

1118
00:59:48,520 --> 00:59:50,560
‎你們知道什麼是金星女同志嗎？

1119
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:52,640
‎金星呢

1120
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:56,520
‎就是從未和異性上床過的同性戀

1121
00:59:56,600 --> 00:59:59,760
‎他們只跟同類睡過，如同上帝所願

1122
01:00:07,320 --> 01:00:08,640
‎等等，其實呢

1123
01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:11,880
‎男同志可能是鉑星同志

1124
01:00:11,960 --> 01:00:15,040
‎他們從未和異性上床過

1125
01:00:15,120 --> 01:00:17,120
‎而且是剖腹產

1126
01:00:23,320 --> 01:00:26,080
‎連他們出生的那天，他們看了一眼

1127
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:27,520
‎然後說：“我才不要！

1128
01:00:32,720 --> 01:00:35,000
‎讓我從天窗出去”

1129
01:00:41,840 --> 01:00:42,720
‎所以…

1130
01:00:44,720 --> 01:00:49,280
‎你們知道要向金星女同志解釋
‎蛋蛋的樣子有多難嗎？

1131
01:00:49,360 --> 01:00:51,840
‎因為我這輩子看過不少蛋蛋

1132
01:00:52,480 --> 01:00:56,120
‎我說：“基本上就是…

1133
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:00,160
‎像是…

1134
01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:02,560
‎兩顆爛掉的奇異果

1135
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:07,640
‎跟舊茶包有了愛的結晶

1136
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:10,520
‎然後它不斷變得越來越長

1137
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:12,400
‎你們超棒

1138
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:14,840
‎謝謝你們來

1139
01:01:15,320 --> 01:01:17,320
‎謝謝墨爾本

1140
01:01:55,040 --> 01:01:57,680
‎字幕翻譯：楊雅筑