WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:14.480 [male host] Make some noise, welcome to the stage... 4 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:16.720 -Urzila Carlson! -[audience cheering] 5 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:18.520 [rock music plays] 6 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:23.520 [cheering continues] 7 00:00:27.200 --> 00:00:28.480 You guys! 8 00:00:28.920 --> 00:00:31.880 -See? This is why... -[cheering softens] 9 00:00:31.960 --> 00:00:33.760 This is why people love Australia. 10 00:00:33.840 --> 00:00:36.440 'Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut. 11 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:37.400 [audience laughs] 12 00:00:37.480 --> 00:00:40.120 Just quickly, before we start... I just-- [laughs] 13 00:00:40.200 --> 00:00:42.040 I feel like I want to share something with you. 14 00:00:42.120 --> 00:00:45.560 'Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts. 15 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:47.160 Like, not this audience. 16 00:00:47.360 --> 00:00:48.240 [audience laughs] 17 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:51.040 Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts, 18 00:00:51.120 --> 00:00:52.480 and then they give it to the usher 19 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:54.120 and the usher will bring it backstage 20 00:00:54.200 --> 00:00:55.680 and then I have to open it. 21 00:00:55.760 --> 00:00:59.000 Because I don't have a crew of people that travel with me 22 00:00:59.080 --> 00:01:00.240 'cause I'm not Adele. 23 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:01.920 [audience laughs] 24 00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:05.040 You know, I don't know how people imagine, like... 25 00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:06.720 I walked here tonight. 26 00:01:06.800 --> 00:01:07.880 The five blocks. 27 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:09.560 [audience laughs] 28 00:01:10.240 --> 00:01:12.040 You know when you make that decision, you go, 29 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:14.080 "It's only five blocks, I'm gonna walk it"? 30 00:01:14.280 --> 00:01:15.840 And then after the third block, you go, 31 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:17.960 -"Fuck, I should've taken an Uber." -[audience laughs] 32 00:01:18.720 --> 00:01:21.680 Then you go, "It's too late now, I can't get an Uber now 33 00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:24.080 for two blocks, 'cause they'll think I'm lazy." [laughs] 34 00:01:24.160 --> 00:01:25.480 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 35 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:27.960 You don't want them to give you a two-star 'cause you're lazy 36 00:01:28.040 --> 00:01:29.920 'cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff. 37 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:31.320 [audience laughs] 38 00:01:31.720 --> 00:01:33.440 "Yeah, I just sprained my ankle." 39 00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:38.160 So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland, 40 00:01:38.240 --> 00:01:41.560 and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room. 41 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:43.800 And now I'm gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell. 42 00:01:43.880 --> 00:01:45.640 It was just wrapped in brown paper. 43 00:01:46.240 --> 00:01:48.480 And-- And it had a string around it, 44 00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:52.000 and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas. 45 00:01:52.080 --> 00:01:54.160 You know, you always get-- Like your sister-in-law, 46 00:01:54.240 --> 00:01:57.880 she'll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit. 47 00:01:57.960 --> 00:01:58.960 [audience laughs] 48 00:01:59.400 --> 00:02:01.440 And you go, "Okay, calm down. 49 00:02:01.520 --> 00:02:03.160 We know it's bath salts." 50 00:02:03.240 --> 00:02:04.120 [audience laughs] 51 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:08.080 It's like, "Christ, you just spent $45 52 00:02:08.160 --> 00:02:10.360 on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift. 53 00:02:10.440 --> 00:02:11.800 [audience laughs] 54 00:02:11.880 --> 00:02:13.240 And we don't have a bath!" 55 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:14.840 [laughing continues] 56 00:02:14.920 --> 00:02:18.240 Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace. 57 00:02:18.480 --> 00:02:19.560 [audience laughs] 58 00:02:19.640 --> 00:02:20.800 So you know it's dodgy 59 00:02:20.880 --> 00:02:22.520 when the usher sort of kicks the door open, 60 00:02:22.600 --> 00:02:25.280 throws the gift and goes, "That came for you," and runs away. 61 00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:26.520 [audience laughs] 62 00:02:26.600 --> 00:02:28.440 So I look at this gift and I shook it 63 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:31.160 and no powder fell out of it and it wasn't ticking. 64 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:32.960 -[audience chuckles] -I'm gonna open it. 65 00:02:33.040 --> 00:02:34.320 So I open the gift. 66 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:36.240 And someone had sent me a moon cup. 67 00:02:37.440 --> 00:02:38.280 [audience oohs] 68 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:40.520 Like, a new one, but a moon cup. 69 00:02:41.320 --> 00:02:43.760 Now, for those of you who don't know what a moon cup is, 70 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:45.320 ladies, if I can ask you 71 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:47.680 to just turn to the men in your area... 72 00:02:47.760 --> 00:02:49.640 -[audience laughing] -...and just explain to them 73 00:02:49.720 --> 00:02:51.280 what a moon cup is so I don't have to. 74 00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:52.840 Talk amongst yourselves. 75 00:02:53.800 --> 00:02:55.880 [audience murmuring] 76 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.280 If you don't know, ask the people behind you. They know. 77 00:03:02.360 --> 00:03:03.560 [audience laughs] 78 00:03:05.040 --> 00:03:06.560 Oh, I don't know what's going on there. 79 00:03:06.640 --> 00:03:09.640 -There's a lady in the back doing that... -[audience roars] 80 00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:13.400 I don't know what you're explaining... [chuckles] 81 00:03:13.480 --> 00:03:15.680 -....but I think you're doing it wrong. -[audience laughs] 82 00:03:15.760 --> 00:03:17.320 For those of you who don't know 83 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:21.040 what a moon cup is, it's basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha. 84 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:22.640 [audience laughs] 85 00:03:23.200 --> 00:03:25.760 Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit. 86 00:03:25.840 --> 00:03:26.680 You feel? 87 00:03:27.480 --> 00:03:29.960 But I knew. As soon as I received this gift, 88 00:03:30.040 --> 00:03:31.720 I knew I was in deep trouble 89 00:03:31.800 --> 00:03:33.520 'cause I've got an inquiring mind... 90 00:03:33.880 --> 00:03:36.440 -[audience laughs] -...and I knew I was going to try it. 91 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:37.480 [audience laughs] 92 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:41.280 [chuckles] Now, I'm not going to go into detail, 93 00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:43.720 but let me just tell you, it's not for me. 94 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:45.480 [audience laughs] 95 00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:48.240 Let's just say... 96 00:03:48.320 --> 00:03:50.920 Okay, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher, right? 97 00:03:51.000 --> 00:03:53.400 Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area 98 00:03:53.480 --> 00:03:57.000 -and just explain what I mean. [laughs] -[audience laughs and applauds] 99 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:02.400 No, you know when you're unpacking the dishwasher 100 00:04:02.480 --> 00:04:05.000 and you get to the kids' plastic bowls and cups 101 00:04:05.080 --> 00:04:09.320 and you don't take the time to individually dry each and every cup? 102 00:04:09.400 --> 00:04:11.760 You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away 103 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:12.960 and then tomorrow morning, 104 00:04:13.040 --> 00:04:15.480 you have to feed those same children out of those bowls 105 00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:17.040 and you take it out and you're like... 106 00:04:17.760 --> 00:04:19.280 [audience laughs] 107 00:04:22.920 --> 00:04:23.760 Yeah, that. 108 00:04:23.840 --> 00:04:25.680 [audience roars] 109 00:04:27.880 --> 00:04:29.200 So, no, it's not for me. 110 00:04:29.280 --> 00:04:30.600 [audience laughs] 111 00:04:31.800 --> 00:04:32.760 I travel a lot. 112 00:04:32.840 --> 00:04:35.040 I'm on the road about 300 days of the year, 113 00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:37.120 and whenever I do go back home to Auckland, 114 00:04:37.200 --> 00:04:38.560 I always go see my GP 115 00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:40.720 and get them to do the once-over. 116 00:04:40.800 --> 00:04:42.160 Right, give it everything. 117 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:44.920 Like, from head to toe, from head lice to ingrown toenails 118 00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:46.760 -and everything in between. -[audience laughs] 119 00:04:46.840 --> 00:04:48.840 They check the boobs, the smear. 120 00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:52.120 They even give you the flu jab, you know, 'cause science. 121 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:53.880 -Um... -[audience laughs] 122 00:04:53.960 --> 00:04:56.120 I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, 123 00:04:56.200 --> 00:04:57.360 you know, I'm just saying. 124 00:04:57.440 --> 00:04:59.880 We vaccinate 'cause we understand words and shit. 125 00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:01.960 [audience laughs] 126 00:05:02.040 --> 00:05:04.760 -[chuckles] -[audience cheers and applauds] 127 00:05:08.040 --> 00:05:11.120 Now, I understand that there might be some anti-vaxxers here tonight. 128 00:05:11.200 --> 00:05:14.760 'Cause when I did the show in Auckland, 13 people got up and walked out... 129 00:05:14.840 --> 00:05:16.920 -[audience laughs] -...and the whole auditorium went... 130 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:18.800 [cheers, laughs] 131 00:05:18.880 --> 00:05:21.480 Like I was supposed to fight them or something. I'm like, 132 00:05:21.560 --> 00:05:23.680 "Leave them alone, they've got sick kids at home." 133 00:05:23.760 --> 00:05:25.360 [audience roars] 134 00:05:30.880 --> 00:05:33.960 So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor. She does what she can do 135 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:35.880 and then she sends me off to the nurse. 136 00:05:35.960 --> 00:05:39.400 Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb, retired two years ago. 137 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:40.800 Which is a good thing 138 00:05:40.880 --> 00:05:43.760 because she was, like, two years younger than Jesus, okay? 139 00:05:43.840 --> 00:05:45.840 -[audience laughs] -I'm not ageist. 140 00:05:45.920 --> 00:05:48.480 But the last two years, I also got a prostate check. 141 00:05:48.640 --> 00:05:50.000 [audience laughs] 142 00:05:50.560 --> 00:05:51.480 I didn't hate it. 143 00:05:51.960 --> 00:05:53.600 [audience laughs] 144 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:56.080 That's why I went back the second year. [chuckles] 145 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:57.000 [laughing continues] 146 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:00.040 Anyway, I walk in, we've got a brand new nurse, 147 00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:01.200 Nurse Maniah, 148 00:06:01.280 --> 00:06:02.880 and, uh, I look at her and I go, "Hi," 149 00:06:02.960 --> 00:06:05.040 and she's lovely, she's a lady in her fifties. 150 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:07.760 Um... And I look around and I'm trying to find the gown. 151 00:06:07.840 --> 00:06:09.560 Because you have to put this gown on 152 00:06:09.640 --> 00:06:11.320 with an opening in the front 153 00:06:11.400 --> 00:06:13.880 because they're going to be working on your entertainment area... 154 00:06:13.960 --> 00:06:15.200 -[audience laughs] -...right? 155 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:17.920 Now, personally... 156 00:06:18.320 --> 00:06:20.320 I'm not a big fan of the gowns 157 00:06:20.400 --> 00:06:22.240 because they never close properly. 158 00:06:22.760 --> 00:06:25.680 You know, 'cause I've had a few big Christmases in my time. 159 00:06:25.760 --> 00:06:26.800 [audience laughs] 160 00:06:26.880 --> 00:06:28.720 Like, I don't identify as fat. 161 00:06:29.280 --> 00:06:31.040 But I've definitely, you know... 162 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:33.840 I'm-- I'm quite a few meals ahead and a few shits behind, so... 163 00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:35.320 [audience laughs] 164 00:06:37.440 --> 00:06:38.680 [women cackling] 165 00:06:38.760 --> 00:06:41.760 And, you know, you don't need to be a personal trainer... 166 00:06:42.440 --> 00:06:44.720 to know that if those two things don't line up, 167 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:47.480 -you can never be your goal weight. -[audience laughs] 168 00:06:49.760 --> 00:06:51.040 But I don't see the gown, 169 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:54.240 and Nurse Maniah goes, "No, no, I use a lavalava." 170 00:06:54.320 --> 00:06:57.120 And I thought, "This is great, it's basically like a sarong. 171 00:06:57.200 --> 00:06:58.400 Not only do I get a smear 172 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:00.360 but I also get a cultural experience. 173 00:07:00.440 --> 00:07:01.320 I love it." 174 00:07:01.400 --> 00:07:02.400 [audience laughs] 175 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:04.480 So I take the lavalava off her, 176 00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:07.000 and now I wait for her to leave and close the curtain 177 00:07:07.080 --> 00:07:09.760 so I can, you know, take my kit off and put it on. 178 00:07:10.400 --> 00:07:12.000 So she closes the curtain. 179 00:07:12.080 --> 00:07:13.800 But she stays in there with me. 180 00:07:13.880 --> 00:07:15.360 [audience laughs] 181 00:07:15.440 --> 00:07:16.760 So at this point... 182 00:07:17.440 --> 00:07:19.520 I decide to decline the lavalava. 183 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:22.560 She then takes it and biffs it on the desk, 184 00:07:22.640 --> 00:07:24.960 and I take my kit off and I hop on the table. 185 00:07:26.040 --> 00:07:28.320 Now, the protocol when going for a smear 186 00:07:28.400 --> 00:07:29.520 is you, the patient, 187 00:07:29.880 --> 00:07:31.800 must stare at the wall. 188 00:07:32.200 --> 00:07:33.800 [audience laughs] 189 00:07:35.840 --> 00:07:37.080 And her, the nurse, 190 00:07:37.160 --> 00:07:39.840 must stare at a speck on the curtain over here. 191 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:41.000 [laughing continues] 192 00:07:41.080 --> 00:07:42.040 But never... 193 00:07:42.840 --> 00:07:44.040 do you make eye contact. 194 00:07:44.120 --> 00:07:45.440 [audience laughs] 195 00:07:45.840 --> 00:07:47.000 So, she starts, 196 00:07:47.080 --> 00:07:49.600 and I can feel her rummaging around. 197 00:07:49.880 --> 00:07:50.840 [audience laughs] 198 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:53.360 Which is not what you want to feel at a doctor's surgery, 199 00:07:53.440 --> 00:07:55.560 you want a... you want a confident hand. 200 00:07:55.640 --> 00:07:56.760 -[audience laughs] -You want-- 201 00:07:56.840 --> 00:07:59.000 You want someone that knows what's going on. 202 00:07:59.640 --> 00:08:01.400 And I could feel her rummaging around, 203 00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:03.280 and I don't know at what point... 204 00:08:04.400 --> 00:08:05.320 do I act? 205 00:08:05.400 --> 00:08:07.040 At what point should I go, 206 00:08:07.640 --> 00:08:08.680 "Do you need help?" 207 00:08:08.760 --> 00:08:10.680 [audience laughs] 208 00:08:11.960 --> 00:08:13.160 [laughing] Too awkward, right? 209 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:16.320 Or do I just keep quiet and guide her hand in? 210 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:18.400 [audience laughs] 211 00:08:18.960 --> 00:08:20.800 Yeah, you're right, that would be too much. 212 00:08:20.880 --> 00:08:22.160 -[mumbles] -[audience laughs] 213 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:24.120 I didn't have to do either of those things 214 00:08:24.200 --> 00:08:26.880 because she asked me something that was so left field 215 00:08:26.960 --> 00:08:29.880 that it knocked me, I had to think about it for a second. 216 00:08:30.400 --> 00:08:32.200 She goes, "You still a virgin?" 217 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:34.520 [audience roars] 218 00:08:35.480 --> 00:08:36.640 [laughs] And I went... 219 00:08:39.040 --> 00:08:40.640 [audience laughs] 220 00:08:41.680 --> 00:08:42.680 "Say what, now?" 221 00:08:43.880 --> 00:08:45.880 I was like, "Oh... Oh, no. 222 00:08:45.960 --> 00:08:47.800 I've had the sex heaps." 223 00:08:47.880 --> 00:08:49.600 [audience laughs] 224 00:08:50.800 --> 00:08:52.640 And she goes, "Huh. 225 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:54.160 Okay." 226 00:08:54.520 --> 00:08:55.840 She then leaves the room. 227 00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:58.240 At this point... 228 00:08:58.760 --> 00:09:01.160 I'm regretting not taking that lavalava. 229 00:09:01.240 --> 00:09:02.520 [audience laughs] 230 00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:04.360 'Cause now I'm just lying on that bed 231 00:09:04.440 --> 00:09:06.360 like a frozen supermarket chicken... 232 00:09:06.600 --> 00:09:08.120 [audience laughs]; 233 00:09:10.280 --> 00:09:11.880 -[breathing shakily] -[laughing continues] 234 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:15.440 ...worried that someone might come in. 235 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:19.120 They didn't. She came back in a flash. She had a smaller speculum. 236 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.240 [audience laughs] 237 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:21.760 And she was at it again and she goes, 238 00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:23.400 "I'm just gonna ask you again." 239 00:09:23.880 --> 00:09:26.240 She goes, "You sure you've had sex before?" 240 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:27.440 I go, "Yeah!" 241 00:09:27.520 --> 00:09:30.240 I said, "I'm married, my wife's waiting in the waiting room." 242 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:33.400 -She goes, "Oh... -[audience laughs] 243 00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:35.280 ...I see." [chuckles] She goes... 244 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:37.440 [dramatically] "But have you had sex with a man?" 245 00:09:38.400 --> 00:09:40.480 I said, "Yes, I'm familiar with disappointment." 246 00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:42.400 [audience laughs] 247 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:44.960 [audience applauds] 248 00:09:45.040 --> 00:09:46.400 She says, "I'm just asking 249 00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:48.040 'cause you've got the smallest vagina 250 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:50.080 I've ever worked with in my career." 251 00:09:50.160 --> 00:09:51.440 I went, "No shit!" 252 00:09:51.520 --> 00:09:53.960 I guided her hand in, she took the swab. 253 00:09:54.040 --> 00:09:56.960 I got dressed, I went in the waiting room and I go, "Come, babe!" 254 00:09:57.040 --> 00:09:58.400 To my wife, not to a stranger. 255 00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:00.600 -I go, "Come." -[audience laughs] 256 00:10:00.680 --> 00:10:01.640 We walk back in. 257 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:04.720 I said, "Nurse Maniah's got something to tell you about my... [clicks tongue] 258 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:06.720 [audience laughs] 259 00:10:06.800 --> 00:10:09.400 -...entertainment area." [laughs] -[laughing continues] 260 00:10:09.800 --> 00:10:11.240 Nurse Maniah looks at her, she goes, 261 00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:13.640 "If I had to describe her vagina with one word, 262 00:10:14.280 --> 00:10:15.920 I'd say... petite." 263 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:17.560 [audience laughs] 264 00:10:17.640 --> 00:10:19.800 My wife immediately turns to me and she goes, 265 00:10:19.880 --> 00:10:22.480 "You cannot use this story on stage." 266 00:10:22.560 --> 00:10:24.240 [audience laughs] 267 00:10:25.720 --> 00:10:27.720 -I said, "Bitch... -[audience applauds] 268 00:10:27.800 --> 00:10:30.760 ...a medical professional just told me something on me is petite. 269 00:10:30.840 --> 00:10:34.280 -I'm fucking telling everyone!" -[audience laughs and applauds] 270 00:10:35.760 --> 00:10:37.600 [audience cheering and whistling] 271 00:10:41.880 --> 00:10:44.280 But that explains the moon cup, doesn't it? 272 00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:45.800 [audience laughs] 273 00:10:45.880 --> 00:10:48.720 -I needed a thimble. [laughs] -[laughing continues] 274 00:10:50.520 --> 00:10:52.000 So this show is called Loser 275 00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:54.080 and I decided to write the show 'cause I was so... 276 00:10:54.640 --> 00:10:57.160 confused, like it's always negative if you lose anything. 277 00:10:57.240 --> 00:11:00.200 You lose your keys, you lose your mind, you lose your dad: 278 00:11:00.280 --> 00:11:01.280 that's negative. 279 00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:03.800 But you lose a bit of weight: 280 00:11:03.880 --> 00:11:04.720 positive. 281 00:11:04.800 --> 00:11:06.640 -[audience laughs] -And I don't understand that. 282 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:08.120 Like, if you lose half a kilo, 283 00:11:08.200 --> 00:11:09.840 strangers will applaud that. 284 00:11:09.920 --> 00:11:12.400 You can go out right now and go, "I lost half a kilo," 285 00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:15.240 people will go, "Good on you," and give you a high five. 286 00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:16.440 Which I don't understand. 287 00:11:16.520 --> 00:11:19.720 If you truly love someone-- If you love someone, don't you go, 288 00:11:19.800 --> 00:11:23.080 "I fucking love you so much, I wish there were 50 kilos more of you"? 289 00:11:23.160 --> 00:11:24.240 [audience laughs] 290 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:27.840 With everything else, if you love it, you want more. 291 00:11:27.920 --> 00:11:30.040 You love cake? Fucking give me more cake. 292 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:31.280 [audience laughs] 293 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:33.920 -Or you love money? Give me more money. -[laughing continues] 294 00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:36.280 I fucking love you? Less of that. 295 00:11:36.560 --> 00:11:38.160 [audience laughs] 296 00:11:40.560 --> 00:11:42.000 It makes no sense. 297 00:11:42.800 --> 00:11:45.480 Now, I know... I know I need to lose some weight. 298 00:11:45.560 --> 00:11:46.400 I know that. 299 00:11:47.040 --> 00:11:48.840 But I-- I want to be very careful. 300 00:11:49.560 --> 00:11:51.480 I just want to lose enough weight 301 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:53.600 so I can eat in public. 302 00:11:53.960 --> 00:11:55.080 [audience laughs] 303 00:11:55.160 --> 00:11:57.760 I just want to be able to eat a pie in public. 304 00:11:57.840 --> 00:11:59.960 -[laughing continues] -'Cause you know if you're in here 305 00:12:00.040 --> 00:12:01.320 and you're a bit of a chub, 306 00:12:01.400 --> 00:12:04.640 -you know you cannot eat in public. -[audience laughs] 307 00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:06.600 You will be judged, right? Like-- 308 00:12:07.400 --> 00:12:09.640 Even if it's a celebratory pie. 309 00:12:09.960 --> 00:12:12.120 -[audience laughs] -Even-- [laughs] 310 00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:15.000 Even if your stomach stapling has been really successful... 311 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:16.440 [audience laughs] 312 00:12:17.160 --> 00:12:20.080 ...and to celebrate, you go to BP to get a pie 313 00:12:20.160 --> 00:12:22.040 'cause they've got the best pies. 314 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:23.640 That's what their name is for. 315 00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:27.160 [audience laughs, applauds] 316 00:12:27.240 --> 00:12:28.760 [women cheer] 317 00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:30.600 You go over there, 318 00:12:30.680 --> 00:12:31.840 you grab a pie 319 00:12:31.920 --> 00:12:33.640 and you're outside eating that pie, 320 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:35.440 like, "Nom-nom, 80 kilos gone." 321 00:12:35.960 --> 00:12:38.320 You know some fuckwit in a ute will drive past 322 00:12:38.400 --> 00:12:41.960 -and go, "Who ate all the pies?" [cackles] -[audience laughs] 323 00:12:43.520 --> 00:12:44.480 And you have to go... 324 00:12:44.560 --> 00:12:46.440 -[timidly] "I did." -[audience laughs] 325 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:50.000 So I know I have to lose some weight. 326 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:52.680 But I want to be careful 'cause I don't want to lose too much 327 00:12:52.760 --> 00:12:53.760 and end up in porn. 328 00:12:54.400 --> 00:12:55.840 [audience laughs] 329 00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:01.600 'Cause you know that is a very real possibility. 330 00:13:01.680 --> 00:13:02.640 [audience laughs] 331 00:13:02.720 --> 00:13:03.600 If you're hot. 332 00:13:03.680 --> 00:13:06.440 if you're super... Like you are, you're proper hot. Right? 333 00:13:06.520 --> 00:13:08.600 Like, you're a beautiful couple. 334 00:13:08.680 --> 00:13:10.040 Do you work out together? 335 00:13:11.040 --> 00:13:12.320 -Yeah. -Of course you do. 336 00:13:12.400 --> 00:13:13.800 [audience laughs] 337 00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:16.480 I'm not fit-shaming you. 338 00:13:17.760 --> 00:13:18.720 But you're a hot couple. 339 00:13:18.800 --> 00:13:21.120 Like, aesthetically, you're quite pleasing to the eye. 340 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:22.560 [audience laughs] 341 00:13:22.640 --> 00:13:25.000 Like, if you two came up to me in a bar 342 00:13:25.400 --> 00:13:28.320 -and asked me for a threesome, I'd be in. -[audience laughs] 343 00:13:28.400 --> 00:13:29.240 Yeah. 344 00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:32.520 And not just in a "hold the camera" kind of way. 345 00:13:32.600 --> 00:13:33.600 I'd give it my all. 346 00:13:33.680 --> 00:13:35.760 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 347 00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:42.680 I would get so freaky, 348 00:13:42.760 --> 00:13:44.480 you two would be super impressed. 349 00:13:44.560 --> 00:13:45.880 Like, halfway through, 350 00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:49.080 over my naked butt, you'd just be high fiving each other, going... 351 00:13:49.160 --> 00:13:50.200 [audience laughs] 352 00:13:50.800 --> 00:13:53.120 "Fucking score on this one, eh?" 353 00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:54.280 [laughing continues] 354 00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:55.720 But you have to be careful. 355 00:13:55.800 --> 00:13:57.960 'Cause you're beautiful, you could end up in porn. 356 00:13:58.040 --> 00:13:59.440 The rest of you, you're fine. 357 00:13:59.520 --> 00:14:01.280 [audience laughs] 358 00:14:02.880 --> 00:14:06.200 'Cause, you know, if you're in a happy, healthy relationship 359 00:14:06.280 --> 00:14:07.600 and you've got a healthy sex life, 360 00:14:07.680 --> 00:14:08.880 at some point, 361 00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:11.160 one of you will turn to the other and go, 362 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:12.720 "We should record ourselves. 363 00:14:12.800 --> 00:14:13.720 [audience laughs] 364 00:14:13.800 --> 00:14:15.520 You know, while we're... [clicks tongue] 365 00:14:15.600 --> 00:14:16.440 You know?" 366 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:18.840 And you will. 367 00:14:18.920 --> 00:14:20.640 If you're going, "We'll never do that," 368 00:14:20.760 --> 00:14:22.840 your partner's probably already doing it. 369 00:14:22.920 --> 00:14:24.280 [audience laughs] 370 00:14:24.760 --> 00:14:26.640 You may as well get involved. 371 00:14:27.280 --> 00:14:30.200 There's a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn. 372 00:14:30.280 --> 00:14:32.120 -So you might as well. -[audience laughs] 373 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:34.960 And then you're going to go, "Okay, fine." 374 00:14:35.040 --> 00:14:38.200 Then you've got to take your smartphone, you'll prop it up somewhere in the room. 375 00:14:39.480 --> 00:14:40.480 And then you go at it. 376 00:14:40.560 --> 00:14:42.960 You go at it hammer and tongs, right? 377 00:14:43.040 --> 00:14:44.440 You give it your A-game 378 00:14:44.520 --> 00:14:46.680 'cause you know you're recording yourself. 379 00:14:46.760 --> 00:14:47.920 [audience laughs] 380 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:49.680 Then afterwards you go, 381 00:14:49.760 --> 00:14:50.720 "Okay, go get it." 382 00:14:50.880 --> 00:14:52.360 [audience laughs] 383 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:55.880 He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it. 384 00:14:56.400 --> 00:14:59.280 He comes back and you're excited. You're like... [giggles] 385 00:14:59.640 --> 00:15:01.720 [audience laughs] 386 00:15:01.800 --> 00:15:03.440 "Oh, this is going to be good. 387 00:15:04.280 --> 00:15:06.240 This is going to be great, yeah. 388 00:15:06.600 --> 00:15:07.440 [blows kiss] 389 00:15:07.520 --> 00:15:09.080 -[audience laughs] -I love you." 390 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:12.800 And you hit play. 391 00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:16.440 -[dry-heaving and gagging] -[audience laughs] 392 00:15:19.840 --> 00:15:22.240 [loudly] "Why is my arsehole so dark? 393 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:24.000 [audience roars] 394 00:15:25.560 --> 00:15:27.160 Why is it so hairy? 395 00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:28.480 [audience laughs] 396 00:15:28.560 --> 00:15:31.480 It looks like a tarantula is crawling out of a cave." 397 00:15:31.560 --> 00:15:32.800 -[laughing continues] -[gags] 398 00:15:34.440 --> 00:15:36.120 You look at your body at an angle 399 00:15:36.200 --> 00:15:37.800 you wouldn't normally see, 400 00:15:39.160 --> 00:15:41.320 performing an activity you wouldn't normally see 401 00:15:41.400 --> 00:15:43.360 reflect back in a shopfront window. 402 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:44.600 [audience laughs] 403 00:15:44.680 --> 00:15:46.120 You see things on your body 404 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:47.760 that you wouldn't normally see. 405 00:15:48.400 --> 00:15:49.840 You look at that and you go... 406 00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:52.520 [yelling] "Is that a nipple on my back?" 407 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:54.240 [audience laughs] 408 00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:57.080 And your partner's, like, super blasé He goes, "Yeah. 409 00:15:57.160 --> 00:15:58.040 [audience laughs] 410 00:15:58.120 --> 00:15:59.160 I thought you knew." 411 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:01.680 You're like, "No, every time it's cold, 412 00:16:01.760 --> 00:16:03.960 I think it's the fucking label on my cardigan!" 413 00:16:04.040 --> 00:16:05.560 [audience laughs] 414 00:16:06.880 --> 00:16:07.800 And he's like, "No, no. 415 00:16:07.880 --> 00:16:11.480 And when it's really hot, it does that weird Barbie mouth thing, that..." 416 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:13.520 [audience laughs] 417 00:16:17.880 --> 00:16:19.920 You look at that footage, it's not natural. 418 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.200 It's your fat, pasty-ass white body 419 00:16:22.280 --> 00:16:25.000 -plowing at pace... -[audience laughing] 420 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:28.720 ...into another fat, pasty-ass white body... 421 00:16:30.680 --> 00:16:32.360 meeting abruptly in the middle. 422 00:16:33.800 --> 00:16:35.280 It doesn't even sound good. 423 00:16:35.680 --> 00:16:36.840 [audience laughs] 424 00:16:36.920 --> 00:16:39.800 Like, in the heat of the moment, you don't hear anything. 425 00:16:39.880 --> 00:16:41.040 But when it's silent 426 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:44.120 and you're just staring at your white body with an extra nipple 427 00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:45.400 on a little screen, 428 00:16:45.880 --> 00:16:47.800 all you can hear... [smacking rapidly] 429 00:16:47.880 --> 00:16:48.960 [audience laughs] 430 00:16:49.040 --> 00:16:50.640 Like, "What is that noise? 431 00:16:51.400 --> 00:16:54.160 -Oh, it's your balls on my tummy." -[laughing continues] 432 00:16:59.400 --> 00:17:01.080 You look at that and you go, 433 00:17:01.640 --> 00:17:03.280 "Why am I fucking you? 434 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:04.520 [audience laughs] 435 00:17:05.400 --> 00:17:07.120 Why are you fucking me? 436 00:17:08.120 --> 00:17:10.120 Let's never do this shit again." 437 00:17:10.200 --> 00:17:11.520 [audience laughs] 438 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:13.520 Then you go, "Delete it." 439 00:17:13.760 --> 00:17:14.840 [audience laughs] 440 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:16.280 And he goes, "I will." 441 00:17:16.360 --> 00:17:18.080 "No, you're fucking doing it now!" 442 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:19.640 -[audience laughs] -[hisses] 443 00:17:22.600 --> 00:17:23.480 He deletes it. 444 00:17:24.320 --> 00:17:27.200 You double-check it's deleted out of the recently deleted. 445 00:17:27.280 --> 00:17:28.480 [audience laughs] 446 00:17:28.560 --> 00:17:30.720 That couple then take that phone together, 447 00:17:31.360 --> 00:17:32.680 walk it out to the shed, 448 00:17:34.560 --> 00:17:36.520 -take a hammer... -[audience laughs] 449 00:17:36.600 --> 00:17:38.560 ...smash it till there's only powder left, 450 00:17:38.640 --> 00:17:39.560 take a brush, 451 00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:41.720 into a little plastic bag. 452 00:17:41.800 --> 00:17:43.080 [laughing continues] 453 00:17:43.800 --> 00:17:45.520 You drive from the top of the country 454 00:17:45.600 --> 00:17:48.360 to the bottom of the country and at every public toilet, you stop 455 00:17:48.440 --> 00:17:49.560 and you put some of that dust 456 00:17:49.640 --> 00:17:51.520 -in the toilet... -[audience laughing] 457 00:17:52.080 --> 00:17:53.200 and then you flush it 458 00:17:53.280 --> 00:17:57.200 just in case some IT genius is about to crawl out of his mother... 459 00:17:58.080 --> 00:18:01.040 to put that shit back together again and share it with the world. 460 00:18:03.040 --> 00:18:04.160 We are very careful. 461 00:18:07.040 --> 00:18:08.400 [quietly] But you two... 462 00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:09.720 [audience laughs] 463 00:18:11.040 --> 00:18:12.240 Not you two. 464 00:18:12.320 --> 00:18:13.880 [audience laughs] 465 00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:15.720 You're like, "Yeah, let's record ourselves." 466 00:18:15.800 --> 00:18:16.680 "Yes, let's. 467 00:18:17.760 --> 00:18:19.880 Let's. Just let me finish moisturizing." 468 00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:21.480 [audience laughs] 469 00:18:21.560 --> 00:18:23.680 [clicks tongue] And then you prop the phone up, 470 00:18:23.760 --> 00:18:25.120 and afterwards you go, "Go get it," 471 00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:26.880 and he's like, "Yeah, no worries." 472 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:28.840 -[exhales sharply] -[audience laughs] 473 00:18:30.360 --> 00:18:31.920 Don't even need to get out of the bed 474 00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:34.120 'cause that yoga is finally paying off. 475 00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:35.680 [audience laughs] 476 00:18:35.760 --> 00:18:37.920 Actually, that hurt my back. [pained] I don't think I... 477 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:39.440 -[audience laughs] -[laughs] 478 00:18:39.840 --> 00:18:41.200 Medic! [giggles] 479 00:18:44.240 --> 00:18:45.280 You take that phone. 480 00:18:46.280 --> 00:18:47.640 Like, "Let's have a look at this. 481 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:49.720 Oh, this is gonna be good. 482 00:18:49.800 --> 00:18:51.080 [audience laughs] 483 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:57.480 [puckers] I love me." 484 00:18:57.840 --> 00:18:59.320 [audience laughs] 485 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:01.960 You hit play on that. You're like, "Oh... 486 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:06.200 [sexually] Oh, yeah, look at that! 487 00:19:06.280 --> 00:19:07.600 Look at that!" 488 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:09.040 Like, "Holy shit. 489 00:19:09.120 --> 00:19:11.840 I'm glad we went for that two-for-one anal bleaching. 490 00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:13.760 [audience laughs] 491 00:19:14.840 --> 00:19:16.040 [gruff] We look amazing! 492 00:19:17.120 --> 00:19:19.480 We should get a blue light, let it light up." 493 00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:21.800 [giggles] 494 00:19:22.480 --> 00:19:24.000 "This is phenomenal work. 495 00:19:24.600 --> 00:19:26.680 Yeah, wait, wait, my best part's coming up. 496 00:19:26.760 --> 00:19:27.920 The dismount. 497 00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:29.320 [audience laughs] 498 00:19:29.400 --> 00:19:31.720 You go into a full triple back flip..." 499 00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.080 I'm not very good at sports talk, you know. 500 00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:35.640 [audience laughs] 501 00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:37.320 "Full splits onto my dick. 502 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:39.040 -This is lovely." -[laughing continues] 503 00:19:39.120 --> 00:19:41.440 You go... [laughs] You go, "Save that. 504 00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:44.680 Save that. We look phenomenal." 505 00:19:45.160 --> 00:19:48.320 You go, "Let's watch it tomorrow when we get back from pilates." 506 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:49.960 -[audience laughs] -[sighs] 507 00:19:51.440 --> 00:19:53.560 Tomorrow night, you get back from pilates. 508 00:19:53.640 --> 00:19:55.920 -You're like... [gruff] "Oh, yeah. -[audience laughs] 509 00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:58.240 You know how I get all limber and into it. 510 00:19:58.320 --> 00:20:00.320 Now, let's watch it." So you watch it again. You go, 511 00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:02.040 "Fuck, we are beautiful. 512 00:20:02.120 --> 00:20:03.360 [audience laughs] 513 00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:04.680 We'll save it. [exhales] 514 00:20:05.360 --> 00:20:07.920 We'll watch it tomorrow night after my spinning class. 515 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:08.960 [audience laughs] 516 00:20:09.040 --> 00:20:11.960 You know how I get after spinning class. [exhales sharply] 517 00:20:12.320 --> 00:20:14.680 When my perineum is still vibrating." 518 00:20:14.760 --> 00:20:16.440 [audience laughs] 519 00:20:16.520 --> 00:20:18.720 I assume that's what happens, I don't know. [chuckles] 520 00:20:18.800 --> 00:20:20.360 [audience laughs] 521 00:20:20.440 --> 00:20:22.760 I don't ride a bike. I'm an adult, I've got a car. [inhales] 522 00:20:22.840 --> 00:20:23.800 [audience roars] 523 00:20:23.880 --> 00:20:26.040 -[laughs] -[audience applauds] 524 00:20:30.360 --> 00:20:32.320 And then you watch it again and you go, 525 00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:34.200 "You know, we are so beautiful. 526 00:20:34.600 --> 00:20:36.680 It'll be a waste if only we get to see it. 527 00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:38.080 [audience laughs] 528 00:20:38.600 --> 00:20:39.760 We should upload it." 529 00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:41.680 Then you load it up to Pornhub 530 00:20:41.760 --> 00:20:43.880 and we're now all whacking off to you two... 531 00:20:43.960 --> 00:20:45.280 [laughing continues] 532 00:20:45.360 --> 00:20:47.120 ...'cause we're no longer fucking each other. 533 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:48.040 [audience laughs] 534 00:20:48.120 --> 00:20:51.560 So all I'm saying is get ugly or get fat, or you're going to be in porn.; 535 00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:53.320 [audience laughs] 536 00:20:53.800 --> 00:20:55.360 You know your dad's going to find it. 537 00:20:55.840 --> 00:20:57.600 [audience oohs, laughs] 538 00:20:59.320 --> 00:21:00.160 Yeah. 539 00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:04.960 Your mum won't know what's going on. [laughs] 540 00:21:05.360 --> 00:21:06.240 You know... [chuckles] 541 00:21:06.320 --> 00:21:07.920 You have not lived as an adult 542 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:10.120 if you haven't been at your parents' house on a Sunday 543 00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:12.040 waiting for the roast, your mum's in the kitchen 544 00:21:12.120 --> 00:21:14.080 you're watching some trash with your dad, 545 00:21:14.200 --> 00:21:17.120 and then your mum just pops out of the kitchen going, "Hey! 546 00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:20.400 Can you have a look at the computer? It's wiped the history again." 547 00:21:20.880 --> 00:21:22.040 [audience laughs] 548 00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:28.480 And you look at your dad and you go, "Motherfucker! 549 00:21:28.560 --> 00:21:30.160 [audience roars] 550 00:21:31.120 --> 00:21:32.880 Can't remember your Facebook login 551 00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:35.200 but know how to wipe the history, do ya?" [laughs] 552 00:21:35.280 --> 00:21:36.560 [laughing continues] 553 00:21:37.360 --> 00:21:39.960 And your dad's like, "Oh, it's all right, I'll have a look later." 554 00:21:40.040 --> 00:21:43.080 -I bet you fucking will. [laughs] -[audience laughing] 555 00:21:43.960 --> 00:21:46.240 So anyway, what I'm saying is I need to lose some weight. 556 00:21:47.080 --> 00:21:48.200 [audience laughs] 557 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:50.240 I'm already panicked. 558 00:21:50.320 --> 00:21:51.280 Because I'm of the size, 559 00:21:51.360 --> 00:21:55.120 whenever they talk on the news about the obesity epidemic in Australia, 560 00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:58.120 I know I could be one of those arses walking in the street. 561 00:21:58.200 --> 00:21:59.560 [audience laughs] 562 00:22:00.360 --> 00:22:03.080 You know the one. When as soon as they start talking, they go, 563 00:22:03.160 --> 00:22:04.680 "We've got a dietician here. Um... 564 00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:07.000 The obesity epidemic in Australia..." 565 00:22:07.080 --> 00:22:09.800 And you're like, "Oh, no. No, no, no. Where did they film today?" 566 00:22:09.880 --> 00:22:11.920 -And when you... -[audience laughing] 567 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:14.080 When you see they're in an area where you were, 568 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:16.160 -you're like... [yelling] "No! -[audience laughs] 569 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:18.320 Oh, fuck off!" 570 00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:19.520 [laughing continues] 571 00:22:19.600 --> 00:22:22.040 'Cause, you know, it's always you in your track pants. [laughs] 572 00:22:22.120 --> 00:22:23.120 [audience laughs] 573 00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:26.240 I see those fat people walk with these short steps like this. 574 00:22:26.320 --> 00:22:28.000 I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing? 575 00:22:28.080 --> 00:22:29.960 Stride it out, motherfucker! " 576 00:22:30.040 --> 00:22:31.600 [audience laughs] 577 00:22:32.440 --> 00:22:34.840 Have you guys ever watched that show The Biggest Loser? 578 00:22:35.360 --> 00:22:36.280 [all] Yes. 579 00:22:36.360 --> 00:22:38.760 You know when they came up with the concept for that show, 580 00:22:38.840 --> 00:22:41.440 there wasn't a fat person in a ten-kilometer radius. 581 00:22:42.160 --> 00:22:44.280 Because it would've been a completely different show. 582 00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:47.880 When they came up with the concept, they were all sitting in a boardroom 583 00:22:47.960 --> 00:22:49.280 in their yoga pants, 584 00:22:49.640 --> 00:22:51.800 and they go, "All right, we've got $200 million. 585 00:22:51.880 --> 00:22:52.960 What are we doing?" 586 00:22:53.040 --> 00:22:55.040 And Karen in Marketing went, "Well... 587 00:22:55.920 --> 00:22:59.160 -how about we take 12 fat people... -[audience laughs] 588 00:22:59.480 --> 00:23:02.000 ...and we put them in this fat farm scenario, 589 00:23:03.120 --> 00:23:06.080 and then we give them, like, six carrot sticks a day to eat... 590 00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:07.440 [laughing continues] 591 00:23:07.520 --> 00:23:10.240 ...and we give them these really angry personal trainers." 592 00:23:10.320 --> 00:23:12.440 Like you get them any other way. 593 00:23:13.040 --> 00:23:15.840 "We give them these really angry personal trainers 594 00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:17.680 to yell at them all day and make them exercise 595 00:23:17.760 --> 00:23:20.440 -and then vomit up those carrot sticks." -[audience laughs] 596 00:23:21.400 --> 00:23:23.120 And everyone's like, "All right. 597 00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:24.040 All right." 598 00:23:24.120 --> 00:23:26.280 Even if there was a fatty in the room at this point, 599 00:23:26.360 --> 00:23:28.360 they'll go, "Harsh. But watchable." 600 00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:29.920 [audience laughs] 601 00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:31.320 [laughing] You've watched it. 602 00:23:32.280 --> 00:23:34.200 And then they go, "Okay, Karen, then what?" 603 00:23:34.280 --> 00:23:36.680 "Well, then we just monitor their progress. 604 00:23:36.760 --> 00:23:38.960 So once a week, we just put them on some scales 605 00:23:39.040 --> 00:23:40.520 in their cute little outfits. 606 00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:42.320 And then behind them, 607 00:23:42.760 --> 00:23:44.560 in giant red LED lights 608 00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:45.720 that they can't see, 609 00:23:45.800 --> 00:23:47.680 we put the weight they used to be, 610 00:23:47.760 --> 00:23:50.360 their weight now, their BMI, and their sperm count. 611 00:23:50.440 --> 00:23:52.120 [audience laughs] 612 00:23:52.960 --> 00:23:54.920 And then we judge them like that." 613 00:23:55.000 --> 00:23:56.480 Now, if there was a fatty in the room, 614 00:23:56.560 --> 00:23:58.320 they'd go, "Hang the fuck on," at this point. 615 00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:00.840 They'd go, "Just a minute, just a fucking minute. 616 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:01.960 [audience laughs] 617 00:24:02.560 --> 00:24:04.720 What are these cute little outfits you're talking about?" 618 00:24:04.800 --> 00:24:06.360 [audience roars] 619 00:24:07.120 --> 00:24:07.960 She goes, "Oh. 620 00:24:08.040 --> 00:24:10.520 I thought, like, bike pants and sports bra?" 621 00:24:10.600 --> 00:24:11.480 "No." 622 00:24:12.440 --> 00:24:15.040 'Cause you know what, if you're over the age of two... 623 00:24:15.320 --> 00:24:16.640 [audience laughs] 624 00:24:17.160 --> 00:24:19.720 -...you don't look cute or good in 'em. -[laughing continues] 625 00:24:19.800 --> 00:24:22.840 The only people allowed to wear bike pants and a sports bra 626 00:24:22.920 --> 00:24:24.720 are people under the age of two 627 00:24:24.800 --> 00:24:26.960 -or if you're in the Olympics. -[audience laughs] 628 00:24:27.040 --> 00:24:28.840 That's it. Tomorrow morning, if you wake up 629 00:24:28.920 --> 00:24:32.240 and you're putting those bike pants on, go, "Am I over the age of two?" 630 00:24:32.320 --> 00:24:33.480 [audience laughs] 631 00:24:33.560 --> 00:24:35.520 If the answer is yes, then ask yourself, 632 00:24:35.600 --> 00:24:37.880 -"Am I in the Olympics?" -[audience laughs] 633 00:24:37.960 --> 00:24:40.640 If the answer is no, get the fuck out of those pants. 634 00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:42.840 [audience laughs, applauds] 635 00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:46.840 [chuckles] 636 00:24:49.480 --> 00:24:52.160 'Cause you know what the problem is with that outfit, 637 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:54.280 especially for women of a certain age. 638 00:24:54.360 --> 00:24:56.040 Like, I'm in my mid-forties. 639 00:24:56.120 --> 00:24:58.680 You know what the hardest thing of my day is? 640 00:24:58.760 --> 00:25:00.120 Lining up my nipples. 641 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:01.960 [audience laughs] 642 00:25:02.040 --> 00:25:03.440 I wake up every morning 643 00:25:03.520 --> 00:25:04.600 and when I put a bra on, 644 00:25:04.680 --> 00:25:07.400 it's like doing two really complex Rubik's cubes. 645 00:25:07.480 --> 00:25:09.200 [audience laughing] 646 00:25:11.080 --> 00:25:13.680 -Oh, fuck it. Tuck it into your pants. -[audience laughs] 647 00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:17.560 Well, Karen, you can't tuck it into your pants 648 00:25:17.640 --> 00:25:19.800 when you're not fucking having anything in the middle. 649 00:25:19.880 --> 00:25:21.480 It'll look like a fleshy scarf. 650 00:25:21.560 --> 00:25:23.160 [audience laughs] 651 00:25:26.440 --> 00:25:28.440 Fat people don't like to get weighed. 652 00:25:29.120 --> 00:25:30.560 That's why we don't skydive. 653 00:25:30.880 --> 00:25:32.600 [audience laughing] 654 00:25:33.080 --> 00:25:34.560 Well, that, and it scares the shit 655 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:37.120 out of whoever has to do a tandem jump with you. 656 00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:38.880 [audience laughs] 657 00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:40.960 But... [chuckles] 658 00:25:41.040 --> 00:25:42.800 When you skydive, they weigh you. 659 00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:45.000 And then they write your weight on your hand 660 00:25:45.080 --> 00:25:47.320 -with a permanent marker. -[audience laughs] 661 00:25:47.400 --> 00:25:50.480 I don't want to be telling people three days after my jump, 662 00:25:51.040 --> 00:25:51.880 "Oh. 663 00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:53.960 Oh, no, it's not a phone number." 664 00:25:54.040 --> 00:25:55.640 [audience roars] 665 00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:03.280 If I was in charge of making The Biggest Loser, 666 00:26:03.360 --> 00:26:04.840 it would look completely different. 667 00:26:04.920 --> 00:26:07.080 For starters, the people I would put in there. 668 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:08.600 I'd put people in The Biggest Loser, 669 00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:10.600 those people who never say thank you for shit. 670 00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:13.640 Like when you're driving and you give someone a gap 671 00:26:13.720 --> 00:26:15.320 and usually it takes a few goes 672 00:26:15.400 --> 00:26:17.720 to try and get them in the hole. You're like... 673 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:20.400 [audience laughs] 674 00:26:24.920 --> 00:26:26.200 And then they take it... 675 00:26:27.360 --> 00:26:28.440 and you wait for it. 676 00:26:28.760 --> 00:26:30.160 [audience laughs] 677 00:26:30.800 --> 00:26:32.120 But they just keep going. 678 00:26:32.600 --> 00:26:34.640 It's like they take that gap and go, "Mine!" 679 00:26:35.040 --> 00:26:36.440 [audience laughs] 680 00:26:36.520 --> 00:26:38.800 What kind of animal raised you... 681 00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:40.360 [audience laughing] 682 00:26:41.200 --> 00:26:45.480 ...that you would take a gap and not just put your hand up like that 683 00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:47.960 to thank the person behind you? 684 00:26:48.040 --> 00:26:49.400 That's all you have to do. 685 00:26:49.480 --> 00:26:51.960 'Cause if you don't thank the person behind you, 686 00:26:52.040 --> 00:26:54.080 you're making it unsafe on our roads. 687 00:26:54.160 --> 00:26:55.800 [audience laughs] 688 00:26:55.880 --> 00:26:58.680 'Cause now I have to aggressively overtake you... 689 00:26:58.760 --> 00:27:00.520 [laughing continues] 690 00:27:02.160 --> 00:27:04.120 ...to go get my good deed back 691 00:27:04.200 --> 00:27:06.000 'cause you were raised by an animal. 692 00:27:06.080 --> 00:27:06.920 [audience laughs] 693 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:10.080 It's the same as when you're driving 694 00:27:10.160 --> 00:27:13.040 and there's a pedestrian crossing and you stop and a car there stops, 695 00:27:13.120 --> 00:27:15.320 and then the pedestrian walks past and they thank this guy 696 00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:16.480 and just walk past your car, 697 00:27:16.560 --> 00:27:17.520 and you're like... 698 00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:21.320 [audience chuckling] 699 00:27:23.040 --> 00:27:24.160 "What's going on here? 700 00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:25.240 [audience laughs] 701 00:27:25.320 --> 00:27:26.800 I'm doing what they're doing. 702 00:27:27.640 --> 00:27:28.840 Where's my thank you?" 703 00:27:29.480 --> 00:27:31.360 I reckon if they're two thirds past your car 704 00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:34.000 and they haven't started lifting their arm, hit them with your car. 705 00:27:34.080 --> 00:27:36.000 [audience roars] 706 00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:37.760 [woman cheers] 707 00:27:37.840 --> 00:27:38.800 Not to kill 'em. 708 00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:41.160 Just to knock 'em down so you can talk to 'em. 709 00:27:41.240 --> 00:27:42.120 [audience laughs] 710 00:27:42.200 --> 00:27:43.680 Then you hop out of your car and go, 711 00:27:43.760 --> 00:27:46.560 "Don't worry, I've got this. I'm a medical professional. 712 00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:48.120 I've got a petite vagina." 713 00:27:48.400 --> 00:27:50.360 -[audience laughs] -[laughs] 714 00:27:50.440 --> 00:27:52.200 You go, "Where's my thank you, asshole?" 715 00:27:52.280 --> 00:27:54.080 -[laughs] -[audience laughs] 716 00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:57.000 Those people are all going on my Biggest Loser campl 717 00:27:57.080 --> 00:27:59.560 Or when you're at work, right, and you're in the lunchroom, 718 00:27:59.640 --> 00:28:02.240 you just want to eat your sandwich in peace. And then you hear it... 719 00:28:02.320 --> 00:28:04.400 -[slurping aggressively] -[audience oohs] 720 00:28:05.560 --> 00:28:07.320 And you look over and there he is. 721 00:28:08.520 --> 00:28:09.760 You go, "Jesus, Brian. 722 00:28:09.840 --> 00:28:10.840 [audience laughs] 723 00:28:10.920 --> 00:28:13.600 How about you just leave that cup of tea for a minute? 724 00:28:14.280 --> 00:28:16.480 That's going to cool down to a temperature... 725 00:28:17.520 --> 00:28:19.480 where you can just go ahead and drink it. 726 00:28:19.560 --> 00:28:20.760 [audience laughs] 727 00:28:21.280 --> 00:28:22.920 Where it won't sound like you lost 728 00:28:23.000 --> 00:28:25.400 -your top lip in a violent accident. -[laughing continues] 729 00:28:26.920 --> 00:28:30.240 And now you're curving your bottom lip in a straw-like scenario, 730 00:28:30.320 --> 00:28:33.040 trying to suck a teabag out of the bottom of that cup." 731 00:28:33.120 --> 00:28:34.240 [audience laughs] 732 00:28:34.640 --> 00:28:36.480 Brian's going in The Biggest Loser camp. 733 00:28:36.560 --> 00:28:37.880 [audience laughs, oohs] 734 00:28:37.960 --> 00:28:39.480 Or that friend that we all have 735 00:28:39.560 --> 00:28:41.520 that have never let you finish a sentence. 736 00:28:41.600 --> 00:28:42.720 You've been friends for years 737 00:28:42.800 --> 00:28:45.000 and this is the only thing they've ever seen out of you. 738 00:28:45.080 --> 00:28:47.280 -[stammers hesitantly] -[audience laughs] 739 00:28:47.360 --> 00:28:49.160 Fucking Biggest Loser camp. 740 00:28:50.520 --> 00:28:53.600 Or any right-wing politician that has ever said 741 00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:56.920 anything so fucking stupid, it makes you want to headbutt a nail. 742 00:28:57.000 --> 00:28:58.320 [audience laughs] 743 00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:01.080 They're going in there. You know the ones. 744 00:29:01.160 --> 00:29:03.400 Like-- Like those people that can't even take 745 00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:06.640 a mild egg to the head without trying to knock out a teenager. 746 00:29:06.720 --> 00:29:08.200 [audience cheers and laughs] 747 00:29:08.280 --> 00:29:10.600 [audience applauds and whistles] 748 00:29:12.800 --> 00:29:13.920 Get in the camp. 749 00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:17.520 Then what we do is we give them challenges 750 00:29:17.600 --> 00:29:18.720 that they cannot achieve, 751 00:29:18.800 --> 00:29:21.200 like keeping a cookie out of a fat kid's hand. 752 00:29:21.280 --> 00:29:22.960 [audience laughs] 753 00:29:23.360 --> 00:29:25.600 If they fail, we give 'em paper cuts. 754 00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:27.480 [audience laughs] 755 00:29:27.560 --> 00:29:30.520 Now, I wasn't raised by an animal, I understand that, 756 00:29:30.600 --> 00:29:32.240 you know, everyone's not the same. 757 00:29:32.320 --> 00:29:34.360 Like, the tea slurper is not on the same level 758 00:29:34.440 --> 00:29:36.120 as the right-wing politician. 759 00:29:36.520 --> 00:29:38.840 So we cut them with different grades of paper. 760 00:29:38.920 --> 00:29:40.760 [audience laughs] 761 00:29:40.840 --> 00:29:42.760 The tea slurpers and the interrupters, 762 00:29:42.840 --> 00:29:44.680 they get 150 gsm. 763 00:29:45.040 --> 00:29:46.160 [audience laughs] 764 00:29:46.240 --> 00:29:48.200 Then the people who don't thank you in traffic 765 00:29:48.280 --> 00:29:51.080 who have no manners, they get a 300 gsm gloss. 766 00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:52.200 [audience laughs] 767 00:29:52.680 --> 00:29:54.000 And the right-wing politicians, 768 00:29:54.080 --> 00:29:55.480 we cut them with X-rays. 769 00:29:55.560 --> 00:29:57.400 -[exhales sharply] -[audience laughs] 770 00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:00.400 And then we take chili oil and rub it in their wounds. [laughs] 771 00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:01.640 [audience oohs, laughs] 772 00:30:01.720 --> 00:30:04.360 -I know, I've got a lot of time to think. -[laughing continues] 773 00:30:04.440 --> 00:30:07.320 That's what I do when you guys are at the gym. [chuckles] 774 00:30:08.520 --> 00:30:11.160 People go, "Why don't fat people just get off their fucking arses?" 775 00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:13.360 -'Cause we're thinking of this shit. -[audience laughs] 776 00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:18.240 Okay, maybe that's a little extreme. 777 00:30:18.600 --> 00:30:21.520 Maybe it's more like... I just think, like, other things are bigger losers-- 778 00:30:21.600 --> 00:30:23.280 Other people are bigger losers 779 00:30:23.360 --> 00:30:25.480 than actual fat people just losing weight. 780 00:30:25.560 --> 00:30:28.000 Like, say if you get in a car with your friend, right? 781 00:30:28.080 --> 00:30:30.360 They're driving. You're saying to that friend, 782 00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:32.080 "I trust you 783 00:30:32.160 --> 00:30:34.280 with the most important thing that I have: 784 00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:35.640 my life." 785 00:30:35.720 --> 00:30:38.000 'Cause without it, you can't do shit, right? 786 00:30:38.080 --> 00:30:39.160 [audience laughs] 787 00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:40.800 So you start driving, 788 00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:43.560 and 'cause you live in Melbourne, it starts to rain. 789 00:30:43.640 --> 00:30:45.520 [audience laughs] 790 00:30:49.960 --> 00:30:51.480 They don't turn the wipers on. 791 00:30:52.400 --> 00:30:53.600 You know? All right. All right. 792 00:30:53.680 --> 00:30:55.400 I'm not going to be that person, but you know 793 00:30:55.480 --> 00:30:58.160 how vitally important it is for you, the passenger, 794 00:30:58.520 --> 00:31:00.080 to see where they're driving. 795 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:01.800 [audience laughs] 796 00:31:03.480 --> 00:31:06.120 Otherwise how do you know how to make the right... [inhales sharply] 797 00:31:06.560 --> 00:31:08.040 [audience laughs] 798 00:31:10.520 --> 00:31:12.080 You don't want to say anything. 799 00:31:12.760 --> 00:31:15.520 So you just start scooching down in your seat a little. 800 00:31:15.600 --> 00:31:16.920 -[audience laughs] -Just a little. 801 00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:19.600 'Cause just above the dash, just under the wipers, 802 00:31:19.680 --> 00:31:21.320 there's always a weird half moon 803 00:31:21.400 --> 00:31:23.160 -that you can see out of. -[audience laughs] 804 00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:25.600 But then you start to panic, right, 805 00:31:25.680 --> 00:31:27.720 and you think about that pillow that your wife bought 806 00:31:27.800 --> 00:31:29.440 about you living your best life. 807 00:31:29.520 --> 00:31:31.800 And you think, "Fuck, I do want to live my best life 808 00:31:31.880 --> 00:31:33.560 and I want to continue with that. 809 00:31:33.640 --> 00:31:34.840 I should say something." 810 00:31:34.920 --> 00:31:36.160 [yelling] "Put the wipers on!" 811 00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:37.840 [audience laughs] 812 00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:41.160 And they go, "Oh, shit, I didn't even notice it started raining." 813 00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:43.240 [audience laughs] 814 00:31:45.680 --> 00:31:47.240 "You know you're driving, right?" 815 00:31:47.320 --> 00:31:48.920 [laughing continues] 816 00:31:49.000 --> 00:31:50.520 And then because it's Melbourne, 817 00:31:50.600 --> 00:31:52.400 five minutes later it stops raining. 818 00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:53.440 [audience chuckles] 819 00:31:57.040 --> 00:31:59.120 -[squeaks] -[audience laughs] 820 00:32:00.560 --> 00:32:01.400 [squeaks] 821 00:32:01.480 --> 00:32:03.160 They don't turn the wipers off. 822 00:32:03.240 --> 00:32:06.760 Not only do they visually have something in front of their eyes going, 823 00:32:06.840 --> 00:32:08.520 "Oh, you're fucking up here, mate..." 824 00:32:08.600 --> 00:32:10.000 -[giggles] -[audience laughs] 825 00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:12.680 ...audibly, there's a bit of a soundtrack, too. 826 00:32:12.760 --> 00:32:13.960 It gets so dry 827 00:32:14.040 --> 00:32:16.720 that it does that weird triple jump in front of you. 828 00:32:16.800 --> 00:32:18.840 -[audience laughs] -When it comes back, it's like... 829 00:32:18.920 --> 00:32:20.920 -[thumping] -[laughing continues] 830 00:32:21.000 --> 00:32:22.120 You're not safe. 831 00:32:23.000 --> 00:32:24.560 You need to undo your belt, 832 00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:27.120 -open the door and tuck and roll. Just... -[audience laughs] 833 00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:31.920 Those people are bigger losers than you. [laughs] 834 00:32:32.880 --> 00:32:35.040 But, you know, because we have social media, 835 00:32:35.120 --> 00:32:37.960 we put ourselves into situations where you feel like a loser. 836 00:32:38.040 --> 00:32:40.240 'Cause you look at other people's amazing lives, right, 837 00:32:40.320 --> 00:32:42.040 'cause they have these amazing filters 838 00:32:42.120 --> 00:32:44.600 and amazing bullshit on their pages 839 00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:46.400 that you start to believe, 840 00:32:46.480 --> 00:32:47.520 'cause even though, 841 00:32:47.600 --> 00:32:49.320 intellectually, you know it's bullshit, 842 00:32:49.400 --> 00:32:51.400 you know this person, they have a horrible life. 843 00:32:51.480 --> 00:32:53.520 But your eyes go, "It's better than yours." 844 00:32:53.600 --> 00:32:55.840 -[audience laughs] -And then you feel like a loser. 845 00:32:56.320 --> 00:32:57.880 But it's not. It's like if you show up 846 00:32:57.960 --> 00:33:00.000 20 minutes early to a party, 847 00:33:00.080 --> 00:33:01.320 you're not a loser. 848 00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:02.360 You're smart. 849 00:33:03.240 --> 00:33:05.640 -'Cause they usually have the food out. -[audience laughs] 850 00:33:06.800 --> 00:33:07.840 They have the food out 851 00:33:07.920 --> 00:33:09.440 and they're still doing the setup. 852 00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:11.360 So you can get involved. 853 00:33:12.600 --> 00:33:15.240 You go, "No, you carry on, don't worry about me." 854 00:33:16.040 --> 00:33:17.000 You look at their table, 855 00:33:17.080 --> 00:33:19.480 -you go, "Guacamole looks good." [laughs] -[audience laughs] 856 00:33:22.400 --> 00:33:23.720 "I'm going to give it a go. 857 00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:25.960 -[audience laughs] -Just going to try it for her. 858 00:33:26.040 --> 00:33:28.440 Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it." 859 00:33:29.160 --> 00:33:30.640 So you grab a chip. 860 00:33:32.080 --> 00:33:33.440 Now, you're not a fool. 861 00:33:33.520 --> 00:33:35.680 You know to go in slow, right? [laughs] 862 00:33:35.760 --> 00:33:36.760 [audience laughs] 863 00:33:36.840 --> 00:33:40.040 -You've been around food before. [laughs] -[audience laughs] 864 00:33:40.120 --> 00:33:41.120 Don't worry. 865 00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:42.720 When that chip breaks... 866 00:33:42.800 --> 00:33:44.080 [audience laughs] 867 00:33:45.800 --> 00:33:47.600 you're so disappointed in yourself, 868 00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:49.360 you're like, "How am I this age 869 00:33:49.440 --> 00:33:51.840 -and I can't nail a snack?" -[audience laughs] 870 00:33:53.800 --> 00:33:55.360 'Cause now you know you're in deep shit. 871 00:33:55.440 --> 00:33:57.760 You better get that chip out before she comes out. 872 00:33:57.880 --> 00:33:59.320 Don't want to fuck up the table 873 00:33:59.400 --> 00:34:00.920 before anyone else gets there. 874 00:34:03.240 --> 00:34:04.760 You're gonna take another chip. 875 00:34:04.840 --> 00:34:07.000 But you're gonna take a strong one. You know, the... 876 00:34:07.080 --> 00:34:08.320 [audience laughs] 877 00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:10.840 No, 'cause you know the ones that are curved, 878 00:34:10.920 --> 00:34:14.880 the curved ones are structurally stronger than the others. 879 00:34:14.960 --> 00:34:16.280 [audience laughs] 880 00:34:19.160 --> 00:34:21.160 So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip: 881 00:34:21.240 --> 00:34:23.360 they always have more flavor 'cause they're sort of... 882 00:34:23.440 --> 00:34:24.440 Anyway, so... 883 00:34:24.520 --> 00:34:25.920 [audience laughs] 884 00:34:26.280 --> 00:34:27.440 So you take that chip. 885 00:34:27.520 --> 00:34:29.200 Now, you know, you're not a fool. 886 00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:30.800 You're gonna go low and slow. 887 00:34:30.880 --> 00:34:32.160 You're gonna go low and slow, 888 00:34:32.240 --> 00:34:35.760 and you want to slowly curve it around the original chip. 889 00:34:35.840 --> 00:34:38.200 Just make it a little... You don't want to go too close 890 00:34:38.280 --> 00:34:40.280 'cause then it could structurally damage the... 891 00:34:40.360 --> 00:34:42.280 So, you just want to go... slight-- 892 00:34:42.360 --> 00:34:44.360 When that second chip breaks... 893 00:34:44.440 --> 00:34:45.840 [audience laughs] 894 00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:49.880 ...you question every decision you've ever made as an adult. 895 00:34:50.920 --> 00:34:52.600 "I should probably not be alone." 896 00:34:53.240 --> 00:34:54.520 [audience laughs] 897 00:34:55.160 --> 00:34:58.040 'Cause now you know you'd better get that out before she comes out. 898 00:34:58.120 --> 00:34:59.720 You've got two chips in there. 899 00:35:00.200 --> 00:35:02.320 You're not gonna take another chip, you're not an idiot. 900 00:35:02.400 --> 00:35:03.320 [audience laughs] 901 00:35:03.400 --> 00:35:05.680 You're going to learn from your mistakes here. 902 00:35:06.120 --> 00:35:10.200 You don't want her to come out to two half dead chips in the guacamole 903 00:35:10.280 --> 00:35:12.920 -with a fucking moat around it. -[audience laughs] 904 00:35:17.520 --> 00:35:19.200 [laughing continues] 905 00:35:21.120 --> 00:35:23.440 -[thumps] -[audience laughs] 906 00:35:24.400 --> 00:35:25.840 When you're second knuckle in, 907 00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:27.800 she comes out and busts you. 908 00:35:27.880 --> 00:35:29.360 [audience laughs] 909 00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:31.440 Like you're at your high school dance... 910 00:35:32.240 --> 00:35:34.200 and you just lock eyes with each other. [laughs] 911 00:35:34.280 --> 00:35:35.600 [audience laughs] 912 00:35:36.720 --> 00:35:39.040 -[laughs, snorts] -[audience laughing] 913 00:35:39.440 --> 00:35:42.880 -I love that slow realization. -[laughing continues] 914 00:35:44.720 --> 00:35:46.920 -Ooh... [laughs] -[audience laughs] 915 00:35:51.200 --> 00:35:54.240 -My hand's still in the guacamole. -[audience laughs] 916 00:35:55.640 --> 00:35:57.640 She walks out, she locks eyes with you. 917 00:35:58.320 --> 00:35:59.760 She looks at you, you look at her. 918 00:35:59.840 --> 00:36:01.640 She knows your hand's in the guacamole, 919 00:36:01.720 --> 00:36:03.720 you know your hand's in the guacamole. 920 00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:06.920 You look at each other, 'cause you don't know at what point... 921 00:36:07.600 --> 00:36:09.160 should you pull your hand out. 922 00:36:09.240 --> 00:36:10.400 [audience laughs] 923 00:36:11.040 --> 00:36:13.760 There's no time like the present so you just pull it out. 924 00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:15.240 Now the bigger conundrum. 925 00:36:15.320 --> 00:36:16.720 Do you flick it or lick it? 926 00:36:16.800 --> 00:36:18.360 [audience roars] 927 00:36:20.280 --> 00:36:22.720 She just stares at you, never breaking eye contact 928 00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:25.280 looking over to you, just taking the bowl, going, 929 00:36:26.280 --> 00:36:28.960 -"I wasn't that happy with it anyway." -[audience laughs] 930 00:36:29.040 --> 00:36:32.080 She walks in the kitchen, you can hear her throw it in the sink. 931 00:36:32.160 --> 00:36:34.040 You feel like such a loser 'cause you go, 932 00:36:34.160 --> 00:36:37.440 "It's out of season for avos, that would've cost her $400." 933 00:36:37.520 --> 00:36:38.680 [audience laughs] 934 00:36:39.320 --> 00:36:41.560 You're not a loser, but what you didn't realize 935 00:36:41.640 --> 00:36:44.080 that if you normally show up 20 minutes late, 936 00:36:44.160 --> 00:36:46.560 the guacamole's been sitting on the table for 40 minutes 937 00:36:46.640 --> 00:36:48.640 slowly getting to room temperature, 938 00:36:48.720 --> 00:36:50.000 and then it's smooth as anything. 939 00:36:50.080 --> 00:36:51.160 You can fucking lift it 940 00:36:51.240 --> 00:36:53.200 -with anything out of that bowl. -[audience laughs] 941 00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:55.960 You can lift it with hopes and dreams into your mouth. 942 00:36:56.040 --> 00:36:57.200 [audience laughs] 943 00:36:57.280 --> 00:36:59.560 You don't know that because you're not a chef. 944 00:37:00.440 --> 00:37:02.800 Neither am I, but I'm an enthusiast. 945 00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:04.120 [audience laughs] 946 00:37:06.200 --> 00:37:07.320 You're not a loser 947 00:37:07.400 --> 00:37:09.400 if you say "no, thanks" to free stuff. 948 00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:12.160 I say "no, thanks" to free stuff all the time 949 00:37:12.240 --> 00:37:13.920 but now because we live in a time 950 00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:15.920 where there are people who are influencers 951 00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:20.200 and that is a job that just involves getting free shit all day, 952 00:37:20.560 --> 00:37:22.640 it's unheard of when someone approaches you 953 00:37:22.720 --> 00:37:25.120 and goes, "You want something free?" and you go, "No, thanks." 954 00:37:25.560 --> 00:37:28.120 Unless it's a flyer or something. You're like, "No." [stammers] 955 00:37:28.840 --> 00:37:31.600 But I get offered stuff all the time and I go, "No, thanks." 956 00:37:31.680 --> 00:37:33.120 And especially when I get on a plane, 957 00:37:33.200 --> 00:37:35.280 they always go, "Do you want the exit row?" 958 00:37:35.360 --> 00:37:36.320 Never business. 959 00:37:36.400 --> 00:37:37.480 Always the exit row. 960 00:37:37.560 --> 00:37:39.000 I go, "No, thanks." 961 00:37:39.080 --> 00:37:40.040 [audience laughs] 962 00:37:40.560 --> 00:37:42.120 People-- Ten people back will go, 963 00:37:42.200 --> 00:37:44.640 [aggressively] "Did she just say no to the exit row?" 964 00:37:45.040 --> 00:37:46.880 They're so angry when I go, "No." 965 00:37:46.960 --> 00:37:48.560 I go, "Yeah, I don't need it." 966 00:37:48.640 --> 00:37:49.760 I'm five foot three. 967 00:37:51.160 --> 00:37:53.560 My knees have never touched another seat. 968 00:37:53.640 --> 00:37:55.240 [audience laughs] 969 00:37:55.880 --> 00:37:57.760 'Cause I'm mainly torso, too. 970 00:37:58.560 --> 00:37:59.800 [audience laughs] 971 00:38:02.920 --> 00:38:05.640 Some airlines, my feet don't touch the ground. 972 00:38:05.720 --> 00:38:07.200 [audience laughs] 973 00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:08.680 Give it to someone that needs it. 974 00:38:08.760 --> 00:38:11.880 I don't feel I'm trained enough to sit there anyway. 975 00:38:12.400 --> 00:38:15.560 I don't know where these air whores go to air school, 976 00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:17.200 but I haven't been. 977 00:38:17.480 --> 00:38:18.480 [audience laughs] 978 00:38:18.560 --> 00:38:19.680 I don't think it's enough 979 00:38:19.760 --> 00:38:22.200 when they come up to you before the flight and they go, 980 00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:26.000 "Um... Did you read the A4 laminate?" 981 00:38:26.080 --> 00:38:27.360 [audience laughs] 982 00:38:27.440 --> 00:38:31.080 And I go, "No, I didn't because it's pictures on there. 983 00:38:31.160 --> 00:38:32.680 [audience laughs] 984 00:38:33.720 --> 00:38:36.080 And you don't read a picture, you look at it. 985 00:38:37.480 --> 00:38:39.600 So am I now more trained than you? 986 00:38:39.680 --> 00:38:40.720 [audience laughs] 987 00:38:40.800 --> 00:38:42.560 Am I in charge of this flight? 988 00:38:45.160 --> 00:38:46.720 I'm just here for the snacks, mate. 989 00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:49.560 You can... You can put me near the toilet, I don't care." 990 00:38:50.600 --> 00:38:51.600 You're not a loser. 991 00:38:51.680 --> 00:38:54.920 You're not a loser if you wake up seven o'clock one morning and you go, 992 00:38:55.000 --> 00:38:55.840 "Hmm. 993 00:38:55.920 --> 00:38:57.200 Today's a shit day." 994 00:38:58.000 --> 00:38:59.280 [audience laughs] 995 00:39:00.320 --> 00:39:01.280 Well, you know yourself, 996 00:39:01.360 --> 00:39:04.600 you don't need to live the whole day to know it's gonna be a shit one 997 00:39:04.680 --> 00:39:06.160 -[audience laughs] -Sometimes you know 998 00:39:06.240 --> 00:39:07.400 before you open your eyes, 999 00:39:07.480 --> 00:39:10.480 -you're like, "Yeah, today's a shit one." -[audience laughs] 1000 00:39:11.080 --> 00:39:13.400 If you open your eyes seven o'clock in the morning 1001 00:39:13.480 --> 00:39:15.960 and you go, "Fuck it. I'm getting blackout drunk by three..." 1002 00:39:16.040 --> 00:39:17.640 [audience laughs] 1003 00:39:17.720 --> 00:39:18.680 ...then do it. 1004 00:39:20.080 --> 00:39:21.800 Do it, it's called self-care. 1005 00:39:21.880 --> 00:39:24.280 -Look after yourself. -[audience laughs] 1006 00:39:24.360 --> 00:39:26.120 Obviously, if that's a decision 1007 00:39:26.200 --> 00:39:29.640 you've been making for the last 15 years every morning... [clicks cheek] 1008 00:39:29.720 --> 00:39:30.840 ...you've got a problem. 1009 00:39:30.920 --> 00:39:32.000 [audience laughs] 1010 00:39:32.080 --> 00:39:35.960 But if you do it once every 18 months to two years and go, "Today's that day," 1011 00:39:36.040 --> 00:39:36.880 do it. 1012 00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:38.880 Why is it socially acceptable 1013 00:39:38.960 --> 00:39:41.280 to start drinking at noon but not at 7:00 a.m.? 1014 00:39:41.800 --> 00:39:42.840 [audience laughs] 1015 00:39:42.920 --> 00:39:44.920 Like, if a friend rings you at 7:00 a.m., 1016 00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:47.000 which would be weird, but if they ring and they go, 1017 00:39:47.080 --> 00:39:48.200 "Hey, what are you up to?" 1018 00:39:48.280 --> 00:39:49.480 "I just poured myself a wine." 1019 00:39:49.760 --> 00:39:51.240 [audience laughs] 1020 00:39:51.880 --> 00:39:53.720 They'll think you've lost your mind. 1021 00:39:54.360 --> 00:39:57.440 But that same friend can ring you at noon and go, "Hey, what are you up to?" 1022 00:39:57.520 --> 00:39:59.200 "Oh. Just poured myself a wine." 1023 00:39:59.280 --> 00:40:01.440 They go, "Well, I guess it's noon somewhere." 1024 00:40:01.520 --> 00:40:03.120 You go, "It's noon here, Cara." 1025 00:40:03.200 --> 00:40:04.360 [audience laughs] 1026 00:40:06.680 --> 00:40:09.920 I don't know why we put that amount of stress on ourselves 1027 00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:11.800 because of a few fucking hours. 1028 00:40:11.880 --> 00:40:14.040 Like, the amount of times I've woken up 1029 00:40:14.120 --> 00:40:15.560 and I've taken that box wine 1030 00:40:15.640 --> 00:40:17.720 and I've put it on the kitchen counter... 1031 00:40:17.800 --> 00:40:20.040 -[audience laughs] -...and I just look at it, and I'm like, 1032 00:40:20.120 --> 00:40:23.160 "Should I take the tap out and let it breathe or...?" 1033 00:40:23.240 --> 00:40:24.680 [audience laughs] 1034 00:40:26.280 --> 00:40:28.400 'Cause that's always the hardest thing with a box wine. 1035 00:40:28.480 --> 00:40:30.960 You have to get the cover off and then you have to get that tap, 1036 00:40:31.040 --> 00:40:33.560 and it's always real in the box. It's like... 1037 00:40:33.640 --> 00:40:35.080 You have to put your hand in so deep, 1038 00:40:35.160 --> 00:40:37.680 I feel like I'm working on a dairy farm. Like... [struggles] 1039 00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:38.920 [audience laughs] 1040 00:40:39.000 --> 00:40:40.360 "I can feel a hoof!" 1041 00:40:41.600 --> 00:40:42.800 You get that tap out. 1042 00:40:42.880 --> 00:40:45.800 A hundred percent of the time, the hole always faces there. 1043 00:40:45.880 --> 00:40:46.760 [audience laughs] 1044 00:40:46.840 --> 00:40:48.400 You have to pull the whole sack open, 1045 00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:50.560 sort of slowly get the tap down. 1046 00:40:51.200 --> 00:40:53.920 I feel I lost some of you as soon as I said "box wine." [laughs] 1047 00:40:54.000 --> 00:40:55.240 [audience laughs] 1048 00:40:55.320 --> 00:40:57.800 You go, "Fucking box wine?" 1049 00:40:57.880 --> 00:40:59.440 [laughing continues] 1050 00:40:59.720 --> 00:41:03.920 [laughs] I don't care where you are in your life right now financially, 1051 00:41:04.320 --> 00:41:05.840 but at some point, 1052 00:41:06.240 --> 00:41:09.240 every single one of us drank box wine. 1053 00:41:09.320 --> 00:41:11.120 -[audience laughs] -Yeah. 1054 00:41:11.200 --> 00:41:13.000 [audience cheers and applauds] 1055 00:41:15.280 --> 00:41:17.840 Maybe some of you are like, [formally] "I have never." 1056 00:41:17.920 --> 00:41:21.040 -[chuckling smugly] -[audience laughing] 1057 00:41:22.760 --> 00:41:23.640 Yes, you have! 1058 00:41:23.720 --> 00:41:26.400 If you've got bogan friends, you've had box wine. 1059 00:41:26.480 --> 00:41:28.360 -[audience laughs] -[laughs] 1060 00:41:28.440 --> 00:41:30.040 I love entertaining, right? 1061 00:41:30.120 --> 00:41:32.160 I have people over to my house all the time. 1062 00:41:32.240 --> 00:41:34.000 And then when they go, "What should we bring?" 1063 00:41:34.080 --> 00:41:36.320 I always go, "Just your good self, doll." 1064 00:41:36.680 --> 00:41:40.800 And then what I do is I wash the labels off old wine bottles, 1065 00:41:41.360 --> 00:41:43.360 and then I fill it with box wine. 1066 00:41:43.440 --> 00:41:45.160 [audience laughs] 1067 00:41:45.240 --> 00:41:47.960 [chuckles] And not to worry, 1068 00:41:48.040 --> 00:41:49.800 I'll even mix you a rosé. 1069 00:41:50.120 --> 00:41:51.680 [audience laughs] 1070 00:41:51.760 --> 00:41:54.360 I do the whole shebang, right? [laughs] So... 1071 00:41:55.040 --> 00:41:56.720 Not once in all these years 1072 00:41:56.800 --> 00:41:58.440 have anyone during dinner gone, 1073 00:41:58.520 --> 00:41:59.480 "Excuse me. 1074 00:41:59.960 --> 00:42:02.800 What fresh hell are we drinking here tonight?" 1075 00:42:02.880 --> 00:42:04.200 [audience laughs] 1076 00:42:05.040 --> 00:42:06.320 No, they usually go, 1077 00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:08.640 "Mm! Where did you get this one?" 1078 00:42:09.240 --> 00:42:10.920 And I always go, "On my travels." 1079 00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:13.880 -[audience laughs] -And they assume... 1080 00:42:14.560 --> 00:42:15.520 around the world. 1081 00:42:15.600 --> 00:42:17.120 But just to the liquor store. 1082 00:42:17.200 --> 00:42:18.880 [audience laughs] 1083 00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:21.520 I mean, they know the next morning. 1084 00:42:21.600 --> 00:42:23.800 Because you know the next morning after... [laughs] 1085 00:42:23.880 --> 00:42:26.720 ...a box wine, that hangover is completely fucking different 1086 00:42:26.800 --> 00:42:28.960 -to a good wine hangover. -[audience laughs] 1087 00:42:29.040 --> 00:42:31.040 You wake up after a good wine, 1088 00:42:31.120 --> 00:42:33.920 right, and you have that hangover, you wake up, you're like, "Woo! 1089 00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:37.160 Oh, that Central Otago 2009, that... 1090 00:42:37.240 --> 00:42:40.520 -[audience laughs] -...that pinot noir nutty goodness 1091 00:42:40.600 --> 00:42:44.560 is going to come back and bite me at around 3:30. [laughs heartily] 1092 00:42:44.640 --> 00:42:47.760 -[audience laughing] -[hearty laughing continues] 1093 00:42:49.640 --> 00:42:51.360 But you know with box wine, 1094 00:42:51.440 --> 00:42:53.440 you open your eyes, you're like, "Woo! 1095 00:42:53.520 --> 00:42:54.680 [audience laughs] 1096 00:42:54.760 --> 00:42:57.080 Satan fucked my skull last night. 1097 00:42:57.160 --> 00:42:59.240 [audience roars, applauds] 1098 00:43:04.320 --> 00:43:06.240 And he's got a giant penis." 1099 00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:08.240 -[chuckles] -[audience laughs] 1100 00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:12.440 You're not a loser. 1101 00:43:12.520 --> 00:43:15.080 Drinking box wine is good for the whole family. 1102 00:43:15.160 --> 00:43:16.840 When you're finished, you whip the box off, 1103 00:43:16.920 --> 00:43:17.960 you give that to the cat, 1104 00:43:18.040 --> 00:43:18.920 he plays with that. 1105 00:43:19.000 --> 00:43:21.320 You blow up the bag and the kids play with that. 1106 00:43:21.400 --> 00:43:23.840 -You're fucking mother of the year. -[audience laughs] 1107 00:43:23.920 --> 00:43:25.160 -[audience applauds] -Yeah. 1108 00:43:27.000 --> 00:43:28.680 You're not a loser... 1109 00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:31.640 if after you've been to your mum's house, 1110 00:43:31.720 --> 00:43:33.600 maybe you've had a massive feed, 1111 00:43:33.680 --> 00:43:35.960 you've had seconds, she's given you dessert. 1112 00:43:36.280 --> 00:43:39.280 She's even given you some leftovers in a little plastic bag 1113 00:43:39.360 --> 00:43:41.840 because she doesn't trust you with her Tupperware. 1114 00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:43.120 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 1115 00:43:43.520 --> 00:43:44.600 Now you have to drive 1116 00:43:44.680 --> 00:43:47.160 with a plastic bag of spaghetti next to you. 1117 00:43:47.240 --> 00:43:49.280 -[audience laughs] -[giggles] 1118 00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:51.880 "Fuck, I hope I'm not in an accident. 1119 00:43:51.960 --> 00:43:53.520 This is going to be hard to explain." 1120 00:43:53.600 --> 00:43:55.520 -[laughing] -[audience laughs] 1121 00:43:58.240 --> 00:44:01.320 You're full, and then you drive to the hardware store quickly 1122 00:44:01.400 --> 00:44:03.040 'cause you need a new tool belt. 1123 00:44:03.120 --> 00:44:04.680 [audience laughs] 1124 00:44:06.240 --> 00:44:08.400 -[sighs, laughs] -[audience laughs] 1125 00:44:09.080 --> 00:44:11.520 As soon as you get out of the car, you smell it. 1126 00:44:11.920 --> 00:44:14.800 You smell that sausage sizzle. You're like, "Yeah." 1127 00:44:14.880 --> 00:44:16.600 When you get on a plane, right, 1128 00:44:16.680 --> 00:44:19.520 you're not hungry, you just had a nine-course dégustation. 1129 00:44:19.600 --> 00:44:21.840 You're chockers. You go, "I'm so full." 1130 00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:24.400 But as soon as you hear the wheels on the food cart, 1131 00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:25.800 -you panic! -[audience laughs] 1132 00:44:25.880 --> 00:44:27.880 You panic, you're like, [yelling] "Chicken! Oh." 1133 00:44:27.960 --> 00:44:29.720 [audience laughs] 1134 00:44:30.840 --> 00:44:33.000 That's what it's like when you get out of your car 1135 00:44:33.080 --> 00:44:35.120 at the hardware store, you're like... [sniffs] 1136 00:44:35.200 --> 00:44:36.520 [longingly] "Yes." 1137 00:44:36.600 --> 00:44:38.600 Like, you're not there for the cuisine. 1138 00:44:38.680 --> 00:44:40.520 -[audience laughs] -Let's not fuck around. 1139 00:44:40.600 --> 00:44:42.000 That's not good food. 1140 00:44:42.720 --> 00:44:45.120 You know those sausages are basically vegan. 1141 00:44:45.440 --> 00:44:46.440 [audience laughs] 1142 00:44:46.520 --> 00:44:48.520 They're made from wood chip and goat spit... 1143 00:44:48.600 --> 00:44:51.800 -[audience laughing] -...and the goat donated the spit. 1144 00:44:51.880 --> 00:44:54.600 He just looked at that and went... [spits] "I'm not eating that." 1145 00:44:54.680 --> 00:44:56.360 [audience laughs] 1146 00:44:56.440 --> 00:44:58.720 But it's because there's so much joy around there. 1147 00:44:58.800 --> 00:45:00.600 As soon as you get it, you look at those people 1148 00:45:00.680 --> 00:45:03.640 and they're always happy, 'cause it takes a certain personality 1149 00:45:03.720 --> 00:45:06.240 to go there every week and fucking turn sausages. 1150 00:45:06.320 --> 00:45:07.680 [audience laughs] 1151 00:45:07.760 --> 00:45:09.120 You look at them, they're like... 1152 00:45:09.760 --> 00:45:11.280 [laughing continues] 1153 00:45:16.160 --> 00:45:19.120 [sighs] I want to be around that joy. 1154 00:45:19.960 --> 00:45:22.080 You rummage around the car for a gold coin, 1155 00:45:22.160 --> 00:45:24.040 you walk up to them, you give them a gold coin 1156 00:45:24.120 --> 00:45:25.080 and then you... [thumps] 1157 00:45:25.160 --> 00:45:26.080 ...pop out your hand. 1158 00:45:26.600 --> 00:45:28.440 There are very few instances 1159 00:45:28.520 --> 00:45:30.680 where you as an adult can go up to another adult, 1160 00:45:30.760 --> 00:45:32.040 put out your hand and go, 1161 00:45:32.120 --> 00:45:33.280 "Put food on that. 1162 00:45:33.360 --> 00:45:34.920 [audience laughs] 1163 00:45:35.480 --> 00:45:37.760 I've already got a bag of spaghetti in the car." 1164 00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:38.880 [laughing continues] 1165 00:45:41.520 --> 00:45:42.960 They then take a napkin, 1166 00:45:43.040 --> 00:45:45.040 put that in your hand, and then they put 1167 00:45:45.120 --> 00:45:47.800 the thinnest white bread you've ever seen in your life 1168 00:45:47.920 --> 00:45:50.520 on top of that. We call it magic bread at my house 1169 00:45:50.600 --> 00:45:52.600 'cause it's impossible to put any spread on it. 1170 00:45:52.680 --> 00:45:54.400 -[audience laughs] -You can try. 1171 00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:55.760 But as soon as you do... [thumps] 1172 00:45:55.840 --> 00:45:57.560 -...the middle's gone. -[audience laughs] 1173 00:45:59.200 --> 00:46:01.600 You can't even find it in the house. It's just gone. 1174 00:46:01.680 --> 00:46:04.720 You just have this weird frame of what bread used to be. 1175 00:46:04.800 --> 00:46:06.040 [audience laughs] 1176 00:46:07.160 --> 00:46:08.480 So you've got your napkin. 1177 00:46:08.560 --> 00:46:10.680 They put the magic bread, then they put some onion, 1178 00:46:10.760 --> 00:46:11.640 some fried-up onion, 1179 00:46:11.720 --> 00:46:13.160 and then they put the sausage, 1180 00:46:13.240 --> 00:46:14.160 and then... [sputters] 1181 00:46:14.240 --> 00:46:15.840 ...tomato sauce over the top of that. 1182 00:46:15.920 --> 00:46:17.400 It's never-been-near-a-tomato sauce, 1183 00:46:17.480 --> 00:46:19.360 let's be fair, that shit glows in the dark. 1184 00:46:19.440 --> 00:46:20.640 [audience laughs] 1185 00:46:21.160 --> 00:46:25.160 Now you've got your food in your hand. Now, pro-tip: What you want to do 1186 00:46:25.240 --> 00:46:27.160 is you want to go ahead and curve it. 1187 00:46:27.240 --> 00:46:29.800 -[audience laughs] -You want to curve that whole scenario 1188 00:46:29.880 --> 00:46:33.960 like this, 'cause if you keep it flat, it's very hard to eat. 1189 00:46:34.040 --> 00:46:35.720 [audience laughs] 1190 00:46:38.120 --> 00:46:40.440 If you keep it flat, it's called a situation. 1191 00:46:40.520 --> 00:46:41.800 [audience laughs] 1192 00:46:41.880 --> 00:46:44.160 But the minute you roll it, you've got a meal. 1193 00:46:44.240 --> 00:46:45.600 [laughing continues] 1194 00:46:45.680 --> 00:46:47.720 Now you walk into the hardware store 1195 00:46:47.800 --> 00:46:50.000 and you look for other people like you. 1196 00:46:50.760 --> 00:46:52.840 You look for the other sausage people. 1197 00:46:53.280 --> 00:46:55.280 When you see them, you're like... [exhales in relief] 1198 00:46:55.360 --> 00:46:56.640 [audience laughs] 1199 00:46:59.680 --> 00:47:02.320 [inhales] "We make the same decisions. 1200 00:47:02.400 --> 00:47:03.520 [audience laughs] 1201 00:47:05.000 --> 00:47:06.240 We're here... [laughs] 1202 00:47:06.320 --> 00:47:08.880 -...and we both have these. Yeah. -[audience laughs] 1203 00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:13.440 On your... No, tool belt. Tool belt, I mean." 1204 00:47:13.520 --> 00:47:15.120 [audience laughs] 1205 00:47:15.200 --> 00:47:16.280 Then you start eating 1206 00:47:16.360 --> 00:47:17.680 and something magical happens 1207 00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:19.960 as soon as you walk away from that barbecue. 1208 00:47:20.040 --> 00:47:22.040 The onion is now freezing cold. 1209 00:47:22.360 --> 00:47:25.840 -[audience laughs] -But the sausage will increase in heat. 1210 00:47:25.920 --> 00:47:27.200 -There's... -[audience laughs] 1211 00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:29.640 I think it's the glue that holds it together. 1212 00:47:29.720 --> 00:47:30.920 [audience laughs] 1213 00:47:31.000 --> 00:47:34.200 So you want to approach that sucker with caution when you eat. 1214 00:47:34.280 --> 00:47:36.560 You approach with your teeth, like a hot potato, 1215 00:47:36.640 --> 00:47:39.200 so you can breathe through the back of it. 1216 00:47:39.280 --> 00:47:40.960 Like, get some air on that thing. 1217 00:47:41.720 --> 00:47:44.280 -[audience laughs] -[sucks in air, exhales sharply] 1218 00:47:45.520 --> 00:47:47.160 It's a very toothy approach, 1219 00:47:47.240 --> 00:47:48.640 like your first blowjob. 1220 00:47:48.720 --> 00:47:50.800 [audience laughs] 1221 00:47:55.000 --> 00:47:57.280 You walk through the shop, you're about halfway through. 1222 00:47:57.360 --> 00:48:00.520 You look and you go, "Fuck, I'm eating the napkin too." 1223 00:48:00.600 --> 00:48:02.320 [audience laughs] 1224 00:48:03.320 --> 00:48:06.440 You're not a loser, that's where the nutrients lie. 1225 00:48:06.520 --> 00:48:08.040 [audience laughs] 1226 00:48:10.320 --> 00:48:11.280 [chuckling] But then... 1227 00:48:11.960 --> 00:48:14.600 we do start... Do we have a snorter? 1228 00:48:14.680 --> 00:48:15.720 That's great! 1229 00:48:15.800 --> 00:48:16.840 [audience laughs] 1230 00:48:16.920 --> 00:48:19.200 I love how everyone's, "It's this lady here." 1231 00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:21.440 -[laughing continues] -[laughs] It's like... 1232 00:48:21.520 --> 00:48:24.120 -It's not like she had a shit on the seat. -[audience laughs] 1233 00:48:25.960 --> 00:48:27.240 I'll just get some water. 1234 00:48:28.960 --> 00:48:32.120 I'll just be walking over here, getting some of this every now and again. 1235 00:48:35.240 --> 00:48:38.560 You know, whenever I take a sip like that, the wardrobe lady is downstairs going... 1236 00:48:38.640 --> 00:48:40.640 -[muttering softly] -[audience laughs] 1237 00:48:40.920 --> 00:48:43.360 ...just in case I spill some of this water down my tits. 1238 00:48:43.440 --> 00:48:44.560 [audience laughs] 1239 00:48:45.720 --> 00:48:46.720 'Cause if you know me, 1240 00:48:46.800 --> 00:48:49.280 there's a hundred percent chance that I can do that. 1241 00:48:49.760 --> 00:48:52.160 This wasn't the top that I was supposed to wear tonight, 1242 00:48:52.240 --> 00:48:54.120 but... [sighs] 1243 00:48:54.800 --> 00:48:56.720 ...I had a top that matched the pants. 1244 00:48:56.800 --> 00:48:57.960 [audience laughs] 1245 00:48:58.040 --> 00:49:00.400 But it's got about half a liter of butter chicken on it. 1246 00:49:00.480 --> 00:49:02.880 -[audience roars] -[chuckles] 1247 00:49:04.160 --> 00:49:06.160 So, yeah, decisions were made. [exhales] 1248 00:49:06.240 --> 00:49:08.000 -[audience laughs] -[laughs] 1249 00:49:08.080 --> 00:49:11.120 I said to them, I go, "Just let me wear the stained top 1250 00:49:11.200 --> 00:49:15.280 because realistically that's how people will be seeing me in the future." [laughs] 1251 00:49:15.360 --> 00:49:16.720 [audience laughs] 1252 00:49:17.200 --> 00:49:19.280 It is very rare to see me in the street 1253 00:49:19.360 --> 00:49:20.680 without food somewhere... 1254 00:49:21.480 --> 00:49:23.920 -on the tatas, but, um... -[audience laughing] 1255 00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:26.560 [clicks tongue] Apparently, that's a big fucking no-no. 1256 00:49:26.920 --> 00:49:27.960 All right, uh... [laughs] 1257 00:49:28.040 --> 00:49:29.080 ...here we go. 1258 00:49:29.160 --> 00:49:31.240 Now, there are things that we do 1259 00:49:31.320 --> 00:49:33.440 that we think we're nailing and we're not. 1260 00:49:34.160 --> 00:49:35.120 Like thongs. 1261 00:49:36.240 --> 00:49:38.400 -Jandals. -[audience chuckles] 1262 00:49:38.480 --> 00:49:39.720 Flip-flops. 1263 00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:41.960 Plakkies. 1264 00:49:42.040 --> 00:49:43.920 That's what we call them in South Africa. 1265 00:49:44.720 --> 00:49:47.600 You know, we will never have world peace... 1266 00:49:48.520 --> 00:49:50.840 unless we can agree on a name for these shoes. 1267 00:49:50.920 --> 00:49:51.880 [audience laughs] 1268 00:49:53.360 --> 00:49:55.600 Nowhere where you go in the world are they called the same. 1269 00:49:55.680 --> 00:49:58.560 You could get on a plane right now, fly somewhere you've never been before, 1270 00:49:58.640 --> 00:50:00.120 get off, go to a shop and go, 1271 00:50:00.200 --> 00:50:01.160 "Excuse me. 1272 00:50:01.240 --> 00:50:03.240 I'm looking for those summer shoes... 1273 00:50:03.320 --> 00:50:04.400 [audience laughs] 1274 00:50:04.480 --> 00:50:06.880 ...that you can get your toes through like that. 1275 00:50:06.960 --> 00:50:09.520 And then, "Oh, you're talking..." [hoots sharply] 1276 00:50:09.760 --> 00:50:11.280 [audience laughs] 1277 00:50:13.520 --> 00:50:14.960 We don't even question 1278 00:50:15.040 --> 00:50:16.600 why the fuck it's called that. 1279 00:50:16.680 --> 00:50:17.800 We just go, "Yeah. 1280 00:50:17.880 --> 00:50:19.600 I was hoping to buy some blue..." 1281 00:50:19.680 --> 00:50:21.560 -[whines sharply] -[audience laughs] 1282 00:50:23.720 --> 00:50:25.720 Now, the thing with those shoes, 1283 00:50:26.080 --> 00:50:27.840 they don't come with instructions, 1284 00:50:27.920 --> 00:50:30.720 -and the thing is, they really should. -[audience chuckles] 1285 00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:33.960 'Cause I never owned a pair of those 'cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa 1286 00:50:34.040 --> 00:50:36.320 where we have snakes and scorpions and shit. 1287 00:50:36.800 --> 00:50:38.320 So, you can't have any of that. 1288 00:50:38.400 --> 00:50:40.200 So the first time I ever bought a pair of those 1289 00:50:40.280 --> 00:50:41.680 was when I was in my mid-thirties, 1290 00:50:42.160 --> 00:50:43.880 thirteen years ago in New Zealand. 1291 00:50:44.320 --> 00:50:45.680 And no one stopped me. 1292 00:50:45.760 --> 00:50:48.960 Like, I bought them, no one, as I got to the door, went, "Hey. 1293 00:50:50.360 --> 00:50:52.360 Have you used those before?" 1294 00:50:52.440 --> 00:50:53.480 [audience laughs] 1295 00:50:53.560 --> 00:50:55.120 You go, "No, I haven't." 1296 00:50:55.200 --> 00:50:56.120 "Come here. 1297 00:50:57.280 --> 00:50:58.720 Hey, just so you know... 1298 00:50:59.400 --> 00:51:03.680 if a drop of moisture gets on the inside of that shoe... [chuckles] 1299 00:51:03.760 --> 00:51:04.800 ...you're dead. 1300 00:51:04.880 --> 00:51:06.320 [audience laughs] 1301 00:51:07.320 --> 00:51:09.440 Oh, and if a drop of moisture 1302 00:51:09.520 --> 00:51:11.600 gets on the outside of that shoe... [chuckles] 1303 00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:12.920 ...you're dead. 1304 00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:14.120 [audience laughs] 1305 00:51:15.120 --> 00:51:17.640 Oh, and don't think for a second 1306 00:51:17.720 --> 00:51:19.080 that you can run... 1307 00:51:19.440 --> 00:51:20.480 [audience laughing] 1308 00:51:20.560 --> 00:51:21.840 ...from your car... 1309 00:51:22.440 --> 00:51:24.080 during a thunderstorm... 1310 00:51:24.160 --> 00:51:25.560 [audience laughs] 1311 00:51:26.520 --> 00:51:27.800 ...into the mall... 1312 00:51:28.440 --> 00:51:30.440 where they've gone ahead and tiled it. 1313 00:51:30.520 --> 00:51:31.880 [audience laughs] 1314 00:51:33.520 --> 00:51:36.240 'Cause whether you're physically prepared or not, 1315 00:51:36.320 --> 00:51:38.480 you're gonna do the full fucking splits." 1316 00:51:38.560 --> 00:51:39.760 [audience laughs] 1317 00:51:41.280 --> 00:51:42.600 You're like, "Oh, okay, cool. 1318 00:51:42.680 --> 00:51:43.680 Cool, cool, cool, cool... 1319 00:51:44.160 --> 00:51:45.000 Cool." 1320 00:51:45.080 --> 00:51:47.240 As you walk out, they go, "Oh, one more thing. 1321 00:51:47.880 --> 00:51:48.960 Just so you know, 1322 00:51:49.360 --> 00:51:50.840 those shoes? [laughs] 1323 00:51:50.920 --> 00:51:52.800 They're only for forward motion. 1324 00:51:52.880 --> 00:51:54.640 [audience laughs] 1325 00:51:54.720 --> 00:51:57.440 -We call them one-directional. [chuckles] -[audience laughs] 1326 00:51:57.920 --> 00:52:00.360 Yeah. Oh, you want to take a step to the side? 1327 00:52:00.440 --> 00:52:02.080 -[laughing] You're dead. -[audience laughs] 1328 00:52:03.160 --> 00:52:04.440 You want to take a step back? 1329 00:52:04.520 --> 00:52:06.440 My uncle tried that. He's dead." 1330 00:52:06.520 --> 00:52:07.880 [laughing continues] 1331 00:52:08.520 --> 00:52:10.560 Those shoes are so complex, man. 1332 00:52:10.640 --> 00:52:13.080 They should come with a warning and someone to live with you 1333 00:52:13.160 --> 00:52:15.040 for, like, a week after you buy them. 1334 00:52:15.960 --> 00:52:16.800 I bought a pair, 1335 00:52:16.880 --> 00:52:20.480 my wife and I took our two kids down to Fielding, where she's from. 1336 00:52:20.560 --> 00:52:23.200 It's a small farming community in the middle of the North Island 1337 00:52:23.280 --> 00:52:24.640 -of New Zealand. -[man cheers] 1338 00:52:25.200 --> 00:52:27.880 It's not as exciting as that person makes it out to be. 1339 00:52:27.960 --> 00:52:29.480 [audience laughs] 1340 00:52:29.560 --> 00:52:30.920 Like, nothing happens there 1341 00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:33.760 every half an hour and it usually lasts about an hour. 1342 00:52:33.840 --> 00:52:34.720 [audience laughs] 1343 00:52:34.800 --> 00:52:37.840 So we took our kids and we showed them around a bit 1344 00:52:37.920 --> 00:52:40.880 and then after two minutes, we were done and, uh... 1345 00:52:40.960 --> 00:52:42.000 [audience laughing] 1346 00:52:42.080 --> 00:52:45.600 I... I went and strapped my two-year-old back into the car, 1347 00:52:45.680 --> 00:52:48.480 you know, his little vaccinated arse back into the car seat. 1348 00:52:48.560 --> 00:52:49.840 [audience laughs] 1349 00:52:50.640 --> 00:52:51.920 And I forgot 1350 00:52:52.440 --> 00:52:54.720 that I was wearing these death booties, right? 1351 00:52:55.160 --> 00:52:57.240 So you know the movement after you strap them in, 1352 00:52:57.320 --> 00:52:59.640 you have to take a side step so you can close the door 1353 00:52:59.720 --> 00:53:02.280 'cause they're too weak to pull the door shut, aren't they? 1354 00:53:02.360 --> 00:53:03.200 [audience chuckles] 1355 00:53:03.280 --> 00:53:05.920 But as soon as I took that side step, my body just went, 1356 00:53:06.000 --> 00:53:08.160 "Okay, we're gonna go ahead and, uh... 1357 00:53:08.240 --> 00:53:09.480 [audience laughing] 1358 00:53:09.560 --> 00:53:11.560 ...go ahead and put you down at this point. 1359 00:53:11.640 --> 00:53:13.080 -[audience laughs] -Uh... 1360 00:53:13.800 --> 00:53:15.400 You're gonna go on your ass." 1361 00:53:15.960 --> 00:53:18.800 And my brain just went, "I... I can't stop this. You, uh... 1362 00:53:18.880 --> 00:53:20.600 -[audience laughs] -You are on your own." 1363 00:53:20.720 --> 00:53:22.760 I was falling down so slowly 1364 00:53:23.160 --> 00:53:25.680 that I had time to move shit out of this pocket 1365 00:53:25.760 --> 00:53:27.760 -to this pocket. -[audience laughing] 1366 00:53:29.400 --> 00:53:31.280 I could move my handbag over 1367 00:53:31.360 --> 00:53:32.680 and I was just walking it out. 1368 00:53:32.760 --> 00:53:34.080 Just walking it out. 1369 00:53:35.280 --> 00:53:39.000 I fell over so slowly, my wife had time to walk around the car, look at me and go, 1370 00:53:39.080 --> 00:53:40.640 -"What are you doing?" -[audience laughs] 1371 00:53:41.920 --> 00:53:43.120 I said, "I'm falling over." 1372 00:53:43.200 --> 00:53:44.560 [audience laughs] 1373 00:53:44.640 --> 00:53:45.840 She took out her phone, 1374 00:53:45.920 --> 00:53:49.680 took a few photos of me and sent it to everyone in our WhatsApp group. 1375 00:53:50.160 --> 00:53:52.400 And I learned something valuable that day. 1376 00:53:52.720 --> 00:53:55.440 I learned that I'm officially at the age-weight ratio 1377 00:53:55.520 --> 00:53:57.000 where I no longer fall over. 1378 00:53:57.480 --> 00:53:58.480 [audience laughs] 1379 00:53:58.960 --> 00:54:00.160 I had a fall. 1380 00:54:00.240 --> 00:54:01.920 [audience laughs] 1381 00:54:03.720 --> 00:54:06.120 You don't know when it will happen to you. 1382 00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:08.960 Even five years ago, my friends would have gone, 1383 00:54:09.040 --> 00:54:10.880 -"Were you drunk?" [snickers] -[audience laughs] 1384 00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:13.160 Now I get all these concerned emojis and... 1385 00:54:13.240 --> 00:54:14.520 [audience laughing] 1386 00:54:15.200 --> 00:54:17.360 "Mate, are you all right? I believe you had a fall." 1387 00:54:17.440 --> 00:54:19.120 -I'm like... -[laughing continues] 1388 00:54:19.720 --> 00:54:21.760 "No, bitch, I was wearing my death booties. 1389 00:54:21.840 --> 00:54:22.920 I forgot." 1390 00:54:24.200 --> 00:54:26.320 The other thing that we think we're nailing 1391 00:54:26.400 --> 00:54:27.600 and we're fucking not, 1392 00:54:27.680 --> 00:54:28.920 are puffer jackets. 1393 00:54:29.000 --> 00:54:30.880 -And especially... [laughs] -[audience laughing] 1394 00:54:32.400 --> 00:54:35.760 ...especially Melbourne, you are so bad for puffer jackets. 1395 00:54:36.360 --> 00:54:39.880 You know, today, I would classify today's weather as mild. 1396 00:54:40.600 --> 00:54:43.920 Like, if you were one of those people that can feel the chill, 1397 00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:46.320 maybe a long-sleeved T-shirt is for you. 1398 00:54:46.400 --> 00:54:48.520 -[audience laughs] -You know what I saw today? 1399 00:54:48.600 --> 00:54:52.240 Two ladies walked past me and both of them had those puffer jackets 1400 00:54:52.320 --> 00:54:54.280 that come down to mid-calf. 1401 00:54:55.240 --> 00:54:57.200 -Zipped up. -[audience laughs] 1402 00:54:57.280 --> 00:54:59.360 I mean, that is a bold fucking statement 1403 00:54:59.440 --> 00:55:00.560 if you zip it up. 1404 00:55:01.160 --> 00:55:03.000 Sometimes you go, "Look, I had it at work, 1405 00:55:03.080 --> 00:55:05.080 my hands are full so now I'm carrying it home 1406 00:55:05.160 --> 00:55:07.480 and it's open so I still get a breeze on." 1407 00:55:07.560 --> 00:55:09.960 When you zip it up, you're saying to people, 1408 00:55:10.040 --> 00:55:11.360 "I'm fucking cold." 1409 00:55:11.440 --> 00:55:12.360 [audience laughs] 1410 00:55:13.240 --> 00:55:15.360 But I looked at those women and I thought, 1411 00:55:15.800 --> 00:55:17.400 "What have you heard?" 1412 00:55:18.680 --> 00:55:21.160 I mean, honestly, wouldn't it just be spectacular 1413 00:55:21.240 --> 00:55:22.520 come three o'clock... [puffs air] 1414 00:55:22.600 --> 00:55:25.160 ...massive storm, we're up to our earlobes in snow. 1415 00:55:25.240 --> 00:55:26.360 [audience laughs] 1416 00:55:26.440 --> 00:55:28.200 And just these two bitches going, 1417 00:55:28.280 --> 00:55:29.320 "Fucking knew it." 1418 00:55:29.400 --> 00:55:31.640 [audience laughs, applauds] 1419 00:55:34.760 --> 00:55:36.280 They designed those jackets 1420 00:55:36.360 --> 00:55:38.960 so people in Antarctica don't freeze to death. 1421 00:55:39.040 --> 00:55:41.120 Like, if you've got a colleague who's a sherpa, 1422 00:55:41.200 --> 00:55:43.480 -you need to get one of those. -[audience laughs] 1423 00:55:43.560 --> 00:55:45.360 But if you've got a colleague named Brian 1424 00:55:45.440 --> 00:55:47.920 who can't cope with a cup of fucking tea, you're fine. 1425 00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:48.920 [audience laughs] 1426 00:55:49.000 --> 00:55:50.960 Light layering is in your future. 1427 00:55:51.040 --> 00:55:52.760 Get a cardigan and a scarf. 1428 00:55:52.880 --> 00:55:53.920 You're fine. 1429 00:55:55.040 --> 00:55:56.680 So confusing when I come here 1430 00:55:56.760 --> 00:56:00.200 'cause I always fly into Australia then go straight to the hotel. 1431 00:56:00.280 --> 00:56:01.560 It's all air conditioned. 1432 00:56:01.640 --> 00:56:02.800 And then at some point, I go, 1433 00:56:02.880 --> 00:56:05.520 "I should go for a walk, I wonder what's happening with the weather." 1434 00:56:05.600 --> 00:56:08.720 And then you look out the window at the people in the street and you go, 1435 00:56:09.480 --> 00:56:10.320 "Yeah. 1436 00:56:10.640 --> 00:56:11.600 [audience chuckles] 1437 00:56:12.400 --> 00:56:13.720 It's impossible to tell." 1438 00:56:13.800 --> 00:56:15.240 [audience laughs] 1439 00:56:15.880 --> 00:56:18.560 'Cause two thirds of you are wearing puffer jackets 1440 00:56:19.040 --> 00:56:21.160 with shorts and death booties! 1441 00:56:21.240 --> 00:56:23.160 [audience laughs and applauds] 1442 00:56:24.440 --> 00:56:27.440 I don't know what's going on. We preparing for snow or backyard cricket? 1443 00:56:27.520 --> 00:56:29.080 [audience laughs] 1444 00:56:30.200 --> 00:56:32.760 You know, we all do stupid shit on a daily basis. 1445 00:56:32.840 --> 00:56:34.000 That doesn't make you a loser. 1446 00:56:34.080 --> 00:56:37.040 Just 'cause you're having a tough time in your life doesn't make you a loser. 1447 00:56:37.120 --> 00:56:39.360 I think the only true losers in our society 1448 00:56:39.440 --> 00:56:41.360 are those people who go online and attack people 1449 00:56:41.440 --> 00:56:43.000 for shit that they cannot help. 1450 00:56:43.520 --> 00:56:46.320 Like, if you've ever gone online and attacked someone 1451 00:56:46.400 --> 00:56:49.200 for the way they look, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1452 00:56:49.280 --> 00:56:50.120 Like-- 1453 00:56:50.200 --> 00:56:51.560 During the Olympics, right, 1454 00:56:52.160 --> 00:56:53.600 a woman won a gold medal. 1455 00:56:53.720 --> 00:56:55.720 I read the article, good on her. 1456 00:56:56.280 --> 00:56:59.560 And then I had a brain fart and I clicked on the comments section. 1457 00:56:59.640 --> 00:57:00.520 [audience laughs] 1458 00:57:00.600 --> 00:57:02.600 If you want to lose hope in humanity, 1459 00:57:02.680 --> 00:57:05.520 click on the comments section of your newspaper 1460 00:57:05.600 --> 00:57:08.040 and just read that. The very first comment said, 1461 00:57:08.560 --> 00:57:10.560 "Yeah, good on her, but what a dog." 1462 00:57:11.040 --> 00:57:11.920 [audience oohs] 1463 00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:14.600 I clicked on this man's profile and I thought, 1464 00:57:14.680 --> 00:57:16.320 "He's no oil painting. 1465 00:57:16.400 --> 00:57:18.080 [audience laughs] 1466 00:57:18.160 --> 00:57:20.560 Unless someone smudged him at birth." 1467 00:57:20.640 --> 00:57:22.560 -[audience laughs] -Like-- 1468 00:57:22.640 --> 00:57:24.440 The confidence you'd need to rock... 1469 00:57:24.520 --> 00:57:26.320 If you're gonna attack someone for their looks, 1470 00:57:26.400 --> 00:57:28.400 -you'd better be fucking hot. -[audience laughs] 1471 00:57:29.520 --> 00:57:31.000 Not even average looking. 1472 00:57:31.080 --> 00:57:34.040 -Fucking smoking hot. -[audience laughs] 1473 00:57:34.120 --> 00:57:36.960 'Cause then if you click on their profile, "Yeah, all right, fair call." 1474 00:57:37.040 --> 00:57:38.640 [audience laughs] 1475 00:57:39.360 --> 00:57:42.120 But I don't understand attacking someone for their looks 1476 00:57:42.200 --> 00:57:44.200 because it's not like she made herself. 1477 00:57:44.880 --> 00:57:47.200 Like, if we made ourselves, we'd be stunning. 1478 00:57:47.280 --> 00:57:49.880 I would be so beautiful, you wouldn't be able to look at me. 1479 00:57:49.960 --> 00:57:51.280 [audience laughs] 1480 00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:54.280 I wouldn't need to be introduced by anyone. 1481 00:57:54.360 --> 00:57:55.680 You'd know I'm coming 1482 00:57:55.760 --> 00:57:57.080 'cause you're coming. 1483 00:57:57.160 --> 00:57:58.800 [audience laughs] 1484 00:57:58.880 --> 00:57:59.720 Yeah. 1485 00:57:59.800 --> 00:58:01.240 [audience applauds] 1486 00:58:01.320 --> 00:58:04.120 He's going, "Oh, she's coming 'cause I'm coming!" 1487 00:58:04.200 --> 00:58:05.880 [laughing and applause continues] 1488 00:58:05.960 --> 00:58:07.040 [man cheers] 1489 00:58:07.560 --> 00:58:10.280 If you truly have a problem with the way someone looks, 1490 00:58:10.360 --> 00:58:12.080 look up their dad on Facebook and go, 1491 00:58:12.160 --> 00:58:13.480 "Hey, bro, what happened?" 1492 00:58:13.560 --> 00:58:15.240 [audience laughs] 1493 00:58:16.720 --> 00:58:19.080 Or attacking someone for their sexuality. 1494 00:58:19.720 --> 00:58:21.560 'Cause you know that's not a choice. 1495 00:58:22.360 --> 00:58:24.320 Oh, God. You know that's not a choice? 1496 00:58:24.400 --> 00:58:26.160 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 1497 00:58:26.240 --> 00:58:29.040 I thought, "Fuck me, this is the audience... 1498 00:58:29.120 --> 00:58:30.160 -[laughs] -[audience laughs] 1499 00:58:30.240 --> 00:58:32.280 This is the audience that's gonna break me," 1500 00:58:32.360 --> 00:58:33.600 like, "It is a choice. 1501 00:58:33.680 --> 00:58:35.320 [audience laughs] 1502 00:58:35.400 --> 00:58:37.840 We're here from the Baptist Church and, uh... 1503 00:58:38.360 --> 00:58:39.760 [laughing continues] 1504 00:58:40.280 --> 00:58:41.560 ...we believe it is a choice 1505 00:58:41.640 --> 00:58:43.560 and you've been making the wrong choice." [laughs] 1506 00:58:43.640 --> 00:58:45.840 -[audience laughs] -"We're here to put hands on you." 1507 00:58:45.920 --> 00:58:46.760 [laughing] 1508 00:58:47.880 --> 00:58:50.240 You know it's not a choice. Sexuality is not a choice. 1509 00:58:50.320 --> 00:58:52.760 If it was a choice, there wouldn't be a straight woman alive. 1510 00:58:53.640 --> 00:58:56.160 [audience laughs, applauds] 1511 00:58:57.480 --> 00:58:59.520 Like, no offense to men. 1512 00:58:59.600 --> 00:59:01.880 No offense to men, I love you guys, 1513 00:59:01.960 --> 00:59:03.520 but have you seen your balls? 1514 00:59:03.600 --> 00:59:05.760 -[audience roars] -[laughs] 1515 00:59:07.200 --> 00:59:09.000 Those aren't your biggest asset. [laughs] 1516 00:59:09.080 --> 00:59:10.320 [audience laughing] 1517 00:59:11.320 --> 00:59:14.120 [chuckling] They're an acquired taste. 1518 00:59:14.200 --> 00:59:15.640 [audience laughs] 1519 00:59:17.600 --> 00:59:20.600 I reckon the first-- If it was a choice, if sexuality was a choice, 1520 00:59:20.680 --> 00:59:22.760 the first time a woman walks into her room 1521 00:59:22.840 --> 00:59:24.840 where there's a naked man, she'd go "Oh. 1522 00:59:25.240 --> 00:59:26.920 [audience laughs] 1523 00:59:27.280 --> 00:59:28.240 Oh... 1524 00:59:30.560 --> 00:59:31.440 Oh... [stammers] 1525 00:59:31.920 --> 00:59:33.800 -Uh... [exhales slowly] -[laughing continues] 1526 00:59:35.720 --> 00:59:37.520 I'm gonna go look for some puss. Uh... 1527 00:59:37.600 --> 00:59:39.520 [audience laughs] 1528 00:59:39.600 --> 00:59:40.960 I'm gonna leave you with that." 1529 00:59:41.040 --> 00:59:42.120 [audience laughs] 1530 00:59:42.920 --> 00:59:44.640 Do you know how hard it is to explain 1531 00:59:44.720 --> 00:59:47.240 what balls look like to a gold-star lesbian? 1532 00:59:47.560 --> 00:59:48.440 [audience laughs] 1533 00:59:48.520 --> 00:59:50.560 Do you guys know what a gold star is? 1534 00:59:50.640 --> 00:59:52.640 -[woman cheers] -Okay, a gold star 1535 00:59:52.720 --> 00:59:56.520 is a gay person who has never slept with anyone from the opposite sex. 1536 00:59:56.600 --> 00:59:59.760 They only sleep with their own kind, the way God would want it. 1537 00:59:59.840 --> 01:00:00.800 [audience laughs] 1538 01:00:02.440 --> 01:00:05.200 -[audience applauds] -[laughs] 1539 01:00:07.320 --> 01:00:08.640 So-- Oh, wait, actually, 1540 01:00:08.720 --> 01:00:11.880 gay dudes can be platinum stars. 1541 01:00:11.960 --> 01:00:15.040 They are ones that have never slept with anyone from the opposite sex 1542 01:00:15.120 --> 01:00:17.120 and they were born via cesarean. 1543 01:00:17.880 --> 01:00:19.760 [audience laughs] 1544 01:00:23.320 --> 01:00:26.080 So, even on the day they came out, they had a look 1545 01:00:26.160 --> 01:00:27.520 and went, "Fuck no! 1546 01:00:27.600 --> 01:00:29.400 [audience laughing] 1547 01:00:32.720 --> 01:00:35.560 -Take me out through the sunroof!" -[audience laughs] 1548 01:00:37.160 --> 01:00:38.800 -[audience applauds] -[chuckles] 1549 01:00:41.840 --> 01:00:42.720 So... 1550 01:00:44.720 --> 01:00:46.480 Do you know how hard it is for me 1551 01:00:46.560 --> 01:00:49.280 to explain to a gold-star lesbian what balls look like? 1552 01:00:49.360 --> 01:00:51.760 'Cause I've seen a fair few in my fucking time. 1553 01:00:51.840 --> 01:00:52.880 -[audience laughs] -I go, 1554 01:00:52.960 --> 01:00:55.160 "Well, basically, it's like... [stammers] 1555 01:00:55.240 --> 01:00:56.240 It's like... 1556 01:00:57.120 --> 01:00:58.840 -[laughs] -[audience laughs] 1557 01:00:58.920 --> 01:01:00.160 It's like... 1558 01:01:00.800 --> 01:01:02.560 two rotten kiwi fruit... 1559 01:01:02.640 --> 01:01:04.360 -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 1560 01:01:05.280 --> 01:01:07.640 ...had a baby with some old tea bags 1561 01:01:07.720 --> 01:01:10.520 and they just keep getting longer and longer and longer. 1562 01:01:11.040 --> 01:01:12.400 You guys have been amazing! 1563 01:01:12.480 --> 01:01:15.240 -Thank you so much for having me. -[audience cheers] 1564 01:01:15.320 --> 01:01:17.320 Thank you, Melbourne! 1565 01:01:17.400 --> 01:01:19.200 [audience applauds] 1566 01:01:24.920 --> 01:01:26.560 [rock music playing] 1567 01:01:30.920 --> 01:01:32.320 [applause continues] 1568 01:01:38.760 --> 01:01:40.480 [cheering continues]