1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,926
‪NETFLIX 出品

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,645
‪原本你看不到接下來的演出

5
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,148
‪完全沒有劇本

6
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:25,567
‪也沒有事先計畫，就只是…

7
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:27,026
‪興之所至

8
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,321
‪各國封鎖之後，我們決定
‪為慈善機構拍攝30集節目

9
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,282
‪為新冠肺炎疫情募款

10
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,868
‪每天晚上，我都提出同一個大哉問

11
00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:37,537
{\an8}‪世界解封後，你要做的第一件事

12
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:38,997
{\an8}‪是什麼？

13
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,081
{\an8}‪（解封後你要做的第一件事是？）

14
00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,417
‪歡迎來到封鎖日

15
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,213
‪我不知道今天星期幾

16
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:49,257
‪當全世界在同一個時間

17
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,301
‪經歷同一件事，就是會這樣

18
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,469
‪還滿特別的

19
00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:00,477
‪好，大家好嗎？哈囉！

20
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,940
‪晚安，歡迎收看

21
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,734
‪保證是你和我參與過

22
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:09,736
‪最奇特的脫口秀

23
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:11,863
‪如果沒有用耳機

24
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:15,158
‪麻煩請盡量靠近收音裝置

25
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,160
‪我才聽得到你的笑聲

26
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,703
‪因為假如我聽不見你們笑

27
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,622
‪那我就只是在房裡自言自語

28
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:21,915
‪擔心自己會死

29
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,377
‪我們用印度對抗新冠病毒的

30
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,797
‪官方團結口號開場，數到三

31
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,841
‪所有人一起說：“新冠退散”

32
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:34,260
‪好，三、二、一，開始！

33
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:38,431
‪新冠退散

34
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,017
‪我不確定過程會如何

35
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:44,938
‪在Zoom上演出，脫口秀的未來…

36
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,357
‪或是死亡的序曲

37
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,485
‪解封後你要做的第一件事是什麼？

38
00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:51,402
‪（想見女友 孟買）

39
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,279
‪-女友在哪？
‪-聖克魯茲

40
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,407
‪你看起來很年輕
‪彷彿剛讀過《哈利波特》

41
00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,828
‪好像你剛讀完
‪《死神的聖物》最後一頁

42
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:00,787
‪你幾歲？

43
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,455
‪17歲

44
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,582
‪有多久沒見女友了？

45
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:05,583
‪二個月

46
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,919
‪二個月！那時還沒有病毒

47
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,046
‪我覺得她可能離開你了，兄弟…

48
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,047
‪說說而已

49
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,258
‪那時還沒封城

50
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,719
‪她二天前看了你的表演，15號

51
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,222
‪所以我被你女友推薦了

52
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:20,765
‪聽起來怪怪的，不對…

53
00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,352
‪就喜劇而言，靠，你們這群色鬼

54
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,230
‪我絕不和17歲女生互動

55
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,107
‪在任何狀況下都不會，這是原則

56
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,567
{\an8}‪慶生

57
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,610
‪薩甘，妳從哪裡上線？

58
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,695
‪芝加哥

59
00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:36,156
‪芝加哥？天哪！
‪妳那邊幾點，親愛的？

60
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,659
‪早上9點34分

61
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,995
‪9點34分…
‪沒有什麼事好做，對吧？

62
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,163
‪很棒

63
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,874
‪美國人，你們都很早起

64
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,917
‪他們那邊8點就要上班了吧？

65
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,836
‪所以他們才是最強大的國家…

66
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,589
‪曾經是世界上最強大的國家

67
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,506
‪之前…

68
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:55,967
‪在某人吃下蝙蝠…

69
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,096
‪毀了你們的經濟之前

70
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,141
‪一隻蝙蝠毀了你們的國家

71
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:05,810
‪從世界的另一端毀了你們全國

72
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,979
‪你們還以為蝴蝶效應很厲害

73
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:11,357
‪這就是病毒最難搞的地方

74
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,151
‪我們不知道該怪誰

75
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:15,194
‪因為那就是印度人的特色

76
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:17,906
‪解決問題之前，先怪在別人頭上

77
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,449
‪這對我們來說是前所未有的

78
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,912
‪73年來我們頭一次經歷到有件事

79
00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,496
‪不是巴基斯坦的錯

80
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:29,709
‪我們不習慣有事情不是巴基斯坦的錯

81
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:32,170
‪我們所有政客都戴著口罩上電視

82
00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:36,507
‪很棒，看到保守印度領袖穿著打扮

83
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,510
‪跟他們壓迫的穆斯林女性一樣

84
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:41,930
‪（出去見女友 英國）

85
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,474
{\an8}‪我們可以跟一位家人以外的人碰面

86
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,142
{\an8}‪要在外面的公園保持2公尺距離

87
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,814
‪在這個規定下，你要見誰？

88
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,025
{\an8}‪-我女友
‪-你女友？

89
00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,902
{\an8}‪（倫敦）

90
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:58,196
‪當你見到女友時

91
00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,114
‪你穩定交往的女友

92
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:03,034
‪相隔六個星期…在公園裡…

93
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,623
{\an8}‪你打算維持社交距離？

94
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:13,253
{\an8}‪應該不會，所以我要解封後再見她

95
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:16,172
‪你能想…我正在想像兩個人

96
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:21,010
‪慾火焚身，彼此距離2公尺

97
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,681
‪他的女友會說
‪“我真希望你的老二可以大一點

98
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:25,723
{\an8}‪真的”

99
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,393
{\an8}‪“這樣有用多了”

100
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,727
‪（亞洲食物 古加拉特）

101
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:31,396
{\an8}‪去我最愛的餐廳吃東西

102
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,232
‪“吃東西”，好，很棒，那麼
‪絲露詩提莎

103
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:37,360
‪我很高興妳說了完整的一句話

104
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,570
‪妳懂我的意思嗎？
‪妳剛才說：“吃東西”時

105
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,114
‪我們都很擔心妳

106
00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:43,616
‪接著妳說
‪“不是啦，是去我最愛的餐廳”

107
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,660
{\an8}‪我們心想：“她很優渥，沒事的”

108
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,412
{\an8}‪“我們聽完就懂了，沒關係”

109
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:48,538
{\an8}‪嘿，妳在讀什麼？

110
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,706
{\an8}‪時裝設計

111
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,208
‪時裝設計，很酷
‪我們會假裝這是一門課

112
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,336
‪不，開玩笑的…

113
00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,046
‪-在甘地納加？
‪-對

114
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,465
‪很好，妳知道，甘地本人也很時尚

115
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:06,889
‪他那一件衣服非常紅

116
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:10,268
‪他自己設計的…

117
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,770
‪好，妳聽到那尷尬的沉默了嗎？
‪絲露詩提

118
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:15,023
‪在Zoom會議上

119
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:15,940
‪好的，酷

120
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,942
{\an8}‪-我愛亞洲食物
‪-好

121
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,527
{\an8}‪那間餐廳叫TG

122
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,779
{\an8}‪那是我第一個要去的地方

123
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,573
{\an8}‪妳在家吃扁豆蔬菜咖哩之類的嗎？

124
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,533
{\an8}‪-對
‪-妳知道那就是亞洲食物

125
00:05:27,785 --> 00:05:29,078
‪東方食物

126
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,331
‪我只是把這想法丟出來…酷

127
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,877
‪妳知道我們現在不在蘇格蘭吧
‪技術上來說，這是…

128
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,045
‪（回中國 美國）

129
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:39,881
‪平常我應該會在病毒的出處

130
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:40,798
‪（美國）

131
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:43,801
‪妳住…妳來自武漢？真的？

132
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,219
‪不是…

133
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,221
‪妳是零號病人嗎？妳把病毒帶來？

134
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,724
‪通常我在中國生活工作

135
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:53,352
‪我覺得他們實際狀況比表面上更糟糕

136
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,481
‪中國就是這樣
‪“那不是屍體，只是…

137
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:57,815
‪他只是在睡覺”

138
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,817
‪中國基本上一直如此

139
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,819
‪“沒有，我們完全沒有新案例”

140
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,112
‪（畢業 瑪尼帕爾）

141
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,781
‪-畢業
‪-烏帕斯納，從哪畢業？

142
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:06,991
‪瑪尼帕爾大學建築系

143
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,660
‪瑪尼帕爾大學建築系，有一半是真的

144
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,662
‪我們老實說

145
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,626
‪建築這領域是真的
‪但瑪尼帕爾大學代表

146
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,753
‪“老爸用行李箱
‪裝了二百萬盧比給某人”

147
00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:21,005
‪基本上就是如此，好嗎？

148
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,341
‪在甘地納加還有其他學校可以去

149
00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:25,510
‪甘地納加的NIFT

150
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,929
‪甘地納加的NIFT，酷，那是…

151
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,264
‪國家時裝技術學院

152
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,058
‪-就是NIFT？
‪-對

153
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,602
‪因為時裝完全和科技有關

154
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:38,439
‪有時候…

155
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,110
‪有時候我穿上T恤，心想

156
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,778
‪“天哪，這好高科技”

157
00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:45,571
‪“這真的…”

158
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,615
‪“不管是誰設計的…”

159
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:50,743
‪“當我吃亞洲食物時
‪它會直接滑掉”

160
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,955
‪“這件T恤是怎麼做成這樣的？”

161
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:57,792
‪我開那個時裝女生的玩笑有點過頭了

162
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:01,129
‪再也沒有造型師會想跟我合作

163
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:06,634
‪沒關係，接下來十年
‪不是都只能穿防護衣了嗎？

164
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:10,346
‪“亞洲食物”，真的…
‪我忍不住，不好意思

165
00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:11,305
‪（嗨翻 普納）

166
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,933
‪-呼麻慶祝
‪-拜託，你沒有大麻嗎？

167
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,059
‪沒有耶

168
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,937
‪我每次去到大學，都有人寫給我

169
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,815
‪“維爾達斯，大麻，要一起嗨嗎？”

170
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:23,484
‪“要一起抽手捲大麻菸嗎？”
‪我說：“不要！”

171
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:27,280
‪可以想像假如一個大學生
‪跟我這個40歲的男子

172
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,574
‪一起嗨嗎？你會說

173
00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:32,118
‪“嘿，維爾達斯
‪你覺得登陸月球是假的

174
00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:34,328
‪真相被隱瞞了嗎？”

175
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,708
‪我會說：“我胃食道逆流”

176
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:42,420
‪那會是很傷心的一天

177
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,963
‪你在家裡可以抽嗎？

178
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:47,383
‪可以，深夜我偷跑到陽台上
‪趁他們睡覺時偷偷來

179
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,718
‪你知道他們知道吧？

180
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,970
‪他們在床上說：“那是馬納利”

181
00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,055
‪你家現在就是這種狀況

182
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,183
‪解封後你要做的第一件事

183
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,143
‪是什麼？大聲說出來

184
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,060
‪（待在家 德里）

185
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,729
‪-待在家
‪-搞什麼啊？

186
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,106
‪你坐在什麼上面？那是電競椅嗎？

187
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,274
‪是嗎？

188
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:06,152
‪-對，是電競椅
‪-對，是電競椅

189
00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:07,612
‪（德里）

190
00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:10,198
‪兄弟，吃點維他命吧，因為…

191
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:13,242
‪我是說…電競世代，你們…

192
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,911
‪你們連花生過敏都撐不過去

193
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:18,372
‪我對你們面對疫情的能力沒信心
‪不好意思

194
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:23,085
‪假如你必須出門，會去哪？
‪第一件事是什麼？

195
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,463
‪-跑夜店
‪-你最愛的夜店是？

196
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:28,466
‪以前是幽會，但它關門整修了

197
00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:30,885
‪嗯，我有同感，幽會…

198
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,014
‪幽會，幽會超嗨的

199
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,266
‪你懂的…

200
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,727
‪週五晚上

201
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:42,146
‪來點…

202
00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,525
‪百花烈酒，打造個世界…

203
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,403
‪出門去幽會

204
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:50,404
‪（去印度 杜拜）

205
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:52,198
‪-我來自阿聯杜拜
‪-你來自阿聯

206
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:53,824
‪那不是真的，朋友…那是…

207
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,201
‪（杜拜）

208
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,787
‪那只是人比較乾淨
‪脾氣比較差的印度

209
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:03,251
‪假如印度更愛建築、更討厭印度人
‪那就是杜拜

210
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,171
‪封城又延期了

211
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,550
‪可能還會再延期

212
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,094
‪又再延期…

213
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:19,559
‪解封後你們第一件事要做什麼？

214
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:20,518
‪大聲說出來

215
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:21,435
‪（去美國 烏杜皮）

216
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,938
‪-我要吃冰淇淋
‪-你那裡沒有嗎？

217
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,190
‪（烏杜皮）

218
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,317
‪我覺得到處都沒有

219
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,862
‪因為我們這裡是這樣的
‪不曉得你們是不是…

220
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,908
‪收到包裹時我們要消毒

221
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:39,245
‪然後拿出食物，立刻放進另一個容器

222
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,789
‪微波30秒，要殺死

223
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:42,915
‪所有該死的…

224
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,418
‪冰淇淋比照辦理，你就有湯喝了

225
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,669
‪我不曉得還能…

226
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,675
‪帕納，你在卡納塔克，你做什麼的？

227
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:57,305
‪其實我應該要去美國讀書

228
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,182
‪我只是在等

229
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:02,977
‪帕納，我有壞消息

230
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:08,941
‪但你的簽證那些都搞定了？

231
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:13,070
‪還沒，我只有入學許可和日期

232
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,284
‪希望你能成行，真的

233
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,910
‪-我真是…
‪-謝啦

234
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,913
‪為你加油，傳送正能量給你

235
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,916
‪完全不切實際，但還是我給你的

236
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,168
‪好

237
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:30,880
‪我知道那種感覺，親身體會過…

238
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,884
‪“我想去美國，人生會改變

239
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,260
‪一切都會…”

240
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:41,724
‪希望在病毒消滅這種感覺之前
‪這孩子能成功過去

241
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,809
‪因為這感覺很重要

242
00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,272
‪演出前，我覺得自己很可憐

243
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:51,859
‪但是這孩子經歷這件事

244
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:55,196
‪他只想要冰淇淋，冰淇淋而已

245
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,281
‪我真的該振作一點…

246
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,159
‪繼續做下去

247
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,202
{\an8}‪（帶太太回俄國 莫斯科）

248
00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:02,703
{\an8}‪-你叫什麼名字？
‪-希拉蕊

249
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,081
‪-希拉蕊？
‪-對，來自莫斯科

250
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,667
‪來自莫斯科的希拉蕊，真的？
‪所以…哇…

251
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:08,584
‪（莫斯科）

252
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,045
‪所以你是希拉蕊德蘇薩先生，幸會

253
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,505
‪是的…

254
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:16,300
‪沒想到“希拉蕊”這個名字
‪會搭配這種姓氏

255
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,596
‪老實說我聯想到一個不快樂的太太

256
00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:23,682
‪千禧世代，這是希拉蕊柯林頓的笑話
‪算了

257
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,811
‪我們會談到，在新聞上，沒關係
‪不…

258
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,021
‪她沒贏，你們不該笑

259
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:29,980
‪（邦拉舞課 杜拜）

260
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:31,982
‪去上舞蹈課，不是線上的

261
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,026
‪海蒂卡，妳好，是哪種舞蹈？

262
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:34,944
‪（杜拜）

263
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,071
‪我正在學邦拉舞

264
00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:39,115
‪嘿，小姐，邦拉舞不需要學

265
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,200
‪我不認為有邦拉舞課

266
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,869
‪有，比較正式的，不過，對

267
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:47,164
‪邦拉舞課在做什麼？你好，歡迎…

268
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:48,999
‪有，有那個和…

269
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,751
‪歡迎來上邦拉舞課

270
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,504
‪天花板上有二個按鈕，去按按鈕

271
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,423
‪-我不曉得…
‪-當然

272
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,926
‪不知為何，印度人用搖滾樂跳邦拉舞

273
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,470
‪-不曉得妳是否…
‪-天哪，真可怕

274
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:05,015
‪像這樣：“11月的雨，靠北”

275
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:08,727
‪我很喜歡看到大家叫白人跳邦拉舞

276
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,772
‪因為他們能夠加入非常高興，對吧？

277
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,065
‪他們會想…

278
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,775
‪“我想他們原諒我們了”

279
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,278
{\an8}‪（換總統 休士頓）

280
00:12:17,361 --> 00:12:19,905
{\an8}‪-德州休士頓
‪-德州休士頓，那邊幾點？

281
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,824
‪早上8點30分

282
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:25,953
‪天哪！你們看脫口秀當早餐嗎？

283
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:27,121
‪認真的嗎？

284
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:32,084
‪太好了
‪從沒有人在我的演出當中吃爆米片

285
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,377
‪一定超棒

286
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,838
‪你們今天看到唐納川普了嗎？很棒

287
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,508
‪他說：“你可以把消毒液打進體內”

288
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,679
‪假如你把消毒液打進體內

289
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:46,140
‪就不用煩惱新冠病毒了

290
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,266
‪懂我的意思嗎？

291
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,729
‪或者打掃家裡，你會有其他的煩惱
‪例如…

292
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:56,150
‪鮮花、食物、棺材大小
‪其他事情需要你…

293
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:59,653
‪考慮，你們的總統太可笑了

294
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,697
‪但我真的很抱歉

295
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:05,826
‪至少你們還有五百兆美元之類的

296
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,787
‪至少…川普的計畫不是要…

297
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,499
‪“我要所有人晚間8點到陽台去”

298
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,542
‪至少不是這種計畫

299
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,256
‪你能想像假如川普的計畫是…

300
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:22,927
‪“我們有最棒的陽台
‪我要大家晚上8點

301
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,845
‪去陽台點蠟燭

302
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,764
‪美國有最棒的蠟燭

303
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:28,891
‪天佑美國，天祐美國蠟燭

304
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,518
‪晚安，我們都要死了”

305
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,061
‪假如是…

306
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,231
‪解封後你第一件事要做什麼？

307
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,315
‪大聲說出來

308
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:37,650
‪（理髮 法里達巴德）

309
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,610
‪-理髮
‪-亞胥，你看起來還行

310
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:40,903
‪-就…
‪-不…

311
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,989
‪你看我的鬍子，比我平常還多太多

312
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:44,907
‪（法里達巴德）

313
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,033
‪對，所以鬍子和頭髮

314
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,452
‪我們現在都在保持禮貌

315
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:52,540
‪忽略你需要別人幫你修剪鬍子的事實
‪這其實…

316
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,753
‪是全世界最靠北好命的事

317
00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:00,214
‪其實我一直都這樣…

318
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,716
‪“不，但拉穆技術比較好”

319
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:08,013
‪“拉穆會修剪我不想修剪的部位”

320
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,765
‪理髮師…當我去找理髮師…

321
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:12,268
‪閉嘴，別替你的好命找藉口
‪要有擔當

322
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,022
‪封城開始已經接近二個月

323
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,193
‪或者16年了…

324
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:25,364
‪我們的演出暫停了一陣子

325
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,157
‪因為我正在經歷…

326
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,536
‪一些事情，但現在恢復了

327
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:34,498
‪大家來看維爾達斯的演出
‪他們來忘記自己的鳥事

328
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,458
‪不是來看我的鳥事

329
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,379
‪所以…把你的鳥事放一邊

330
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,089
‪把你的鳥事放一邊…

331
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:43,173
‪（見遠距男友 溫哥華）

332
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,342
‪-現在是早上6點50分
‪-早上6點50分

333
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,720
‪妳起床和男友一起看脫口秀嗎？

334
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,306
‪-哇
‪-或許之後就結婚了？

335
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:51,223
‪（溫哥華）

336
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,851
‪我的天，好，現在太早了

337
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,146
‪“現在太早了”
‪是指早上6點50分，還是人生？

338
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,939
‪我們到底在說什麼？

339
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,275
‪-是…問題是什麼？
‪-我該走了

340
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:04,153
‪是“我還沒畢業”
‪還是“我還沒大便”？

341
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,030
‪實際的問題是什麼？

342
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:07,823
‪（一起去加拿大 巴羅達）

343
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,700
‪-回加拿大
‪-回加拿大

344
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:13,829
{\an8}‪我和我女友，她在這待命

345
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,290
‪我們回來訂婚

346
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:19,376
‪至少你們現在在印度是在一起的？

347
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,712
‪沒有，她在阿麥達巴，我在巴羅達

348
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631
‪你們從加拿大飛回印度…

349
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,219
‪象徵要在一起，也浪漫地要在一起

350
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:34,350
‪你們舉辦完締結一輩子姻緣的儀式

351
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,893
‪竟然就分開了…

352
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,520
‪去了不同的城市

353
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:39,563
‪去辦儀式

354
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,607
‪我覺得你活該

355
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:44,318
‪你在這段關係中做了不好的選擇

356
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:46,487
‪我想你不懂

357
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:49,073
‪感情和地理之間的微妙作用

358
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:52,993
‪（擁抱 奧斯陸）

359
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,161
‪擁抱

360
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,996
‪莫尼卡，妳打算出門與人擁抱？

361
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,207
‪我意見相同，我覺得

362
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:02,169
‪別提疫苗了，一旦有解藥

363
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:05,089
‪我們就會瘋狂觸摸彼此

364
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,719
‪以一種不詭異的方法

365
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,889
‪詭異其實是相對的，我開玩笑的

366
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,186
‪我前幾天在想這件事

367
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,189
‪假如我們回去上班要保持社交距離

368
00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:25,651
‪對那些“性騷擾”的人而言
‪一定很慘吧？

369
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,735
‪（奧斯陸）

370
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,864
‪大家都保持社交距離
‪只有MJ阿克巴爾孤單地在辦公室裡

371
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,371
‪“妳很性感”，不曉得…

372
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:41,333
‪每次我對著攝影機

373
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,170
‪演出沒人看的私密實境秀…

374
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,923
‪我看起來都有點不爽

375
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,343
‪別管我了，我期待今天的演出

376
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,637
‪一場給你，Zoom

377
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,181
‪解封後你要做的第一件事

378
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,058
‪你們都可以出門，大聲說

379
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:58,976
‪（騎機車 邦加羅爾）

380
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,520
‪去騎機車，我是說去騎車，就是騎車

381
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:02,438
{\an8}‪（邦加羅爾）

382
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,482
‪我一直都不懂，有人會說
‪“老兄，我騎了我的機車”

383
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,651
‪不，你沒有，你又不是突然出現

384
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,571
‪你的哈雷就在狂奔…

385
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,823
‪你說：“哇，哈雷，哇”

386
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,953
‪然後你的哈雷機車就出發了，而你…

387
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,580
‪你得跳上去

388
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,457
‪我說過我差點買一台哈雷嗎？

389
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:25,794
‪差一點…然後我意識到
‪“靠，我又不是鐵漢”

390
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:29,798
‪看我的手會這樣擺就知道了

391
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,676
‪各位，我其實不是鐵漢

392
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,554
‪去他的病毒，該死的蝙蝠

393
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:36,472
‪（踢足球 孟買）

394
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:39,308
‪-踢足球
‪-這不是那種幻想場景

395
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,478
‪一群不會踢足球的人進到房裡…

396
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,521
‪不是…去踢真的實體的足球

397
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,690
‪你打哪一個位置？

398
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:48,317
‪我是右翼鋒

399
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,028
‪你是右翼鋒？酷，我自己是左派

400
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:53,864
‪（孟買）

401
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,117
‪我們目標不同

402
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:01,997
‪我想得分，拿下罰球

403
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,416
‪你們則想做一尊沒人想要的雕像

404
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,252
‪（整天都能出門 哥斯大黎加）

405
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,212
‪我整天都可以出門

406
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,880
‪妳整天都可以出門？稍等

407
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,340
‪艾莉卡，妳好嗎？妳是哪裡人？

408
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,800
‪哥斯大黎加

409
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,927
‪妳來自哥斯大黎加？那裡有…

410
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:18,430
‪哥斯大黎加有新冠肺炎病人嗎？
‪有病例嗎？

411
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:19,598
‪（哥斯大黎加）

412
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,767
‪沒有，我們整天都能出門

413
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,977
‪沒事？一切都很好？

414
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,772
‪對，一切都很好，在控制之中

415
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,440
‪好，我知道妳是自己在房間裡

416
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,068
‪但妳有感覺到其他人的恨意嗎？

417
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,322
‪感覺得到

418
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,492
‪國際的，各位

419
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,540
‪對，嘿

420
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:47,501
‪其他的印度喜劇演員
‪你們有沒有家人住在無疫情的國家

421
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,878
‪而且目前失業？

422
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:51,964
‪我想沒有

423
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,298
‪去搭郵輪

424
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,092
‪“去搭郵輪”，是誰說的？

425
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:57,261
{\an8}‪（巴黎）

426
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:01,056
{\an8}‪詩瑞雅，妳對科學完全沒概念？

427
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,144
{\an8}‪妳沒讀過每一則新聞嗎？

428
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,230
{\an8}‪最近的這些…

429
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,357
{\an8}‪妳搭郵輪要去哪？

430
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,776
{\an8}‪不知道，只是…

431
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,570
‪“我只想要…我不知道”

432
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:18,782
{\an8}‪“我只想和人和病毒一起困在船上
‪那是我的計畫”

433
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,411
‪明天滿16歲

434
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:23,370
‪（好好變16歲 波帕）

435
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,330
‪-你15歲？
‪-對

436
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,248
‪（波帕）

437
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,834
‪孩子，別把我的話當真好嗎？

438
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:35,007
‪別告訴別人你來看演出了，好嗎？

439
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,384
‪-這…
‪-都是保密的，別擔心

440
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,928
‪-票誰買的？
‪-我自己買的

441
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:43,015
‪-你16歲就能刷卡？
‪-對

442
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:46,393
‪你副業是兒童色情嗎？
‪到底怎麼回事？

443
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:48,478
‪-你為何有…
‪-不，當然不是

444
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,355
‪我沒有影射你做兒童色情

445
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,648
‪通常，你會被認出來

446
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,610
‪參加視訊的某人會說
‪“對耶，你是…

447
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,237
‪Chintu69嗎？”

448
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,739
‪（餵我妹吃飯 喀拉拉）

449
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,657
‪等一下…

450
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,743
‪有人在敲你的門嗎？

451
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,077
‪對…

452
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,246
‪（喀拉拉）

453
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,125
‪是你媽還是女友？是誰？

454
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,543
‪其實是我媽

455
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,254
‪我得照顧我妹，她在叫我

456
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:15,714
‪大哥，去處理你的事

457
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,300
‪不，我才不要，我在跟你說話

458
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,303
‪-你妹幾歲？
‪-她只有五歲

459
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,055
‪她會存活的，五歲夠了

460
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,643
‪沒關係，不用餵他們或教育他們
‪她會沒事的

461
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,189
‪靠，去照顧你妹啦，我可不要…

462
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,567
‪因為兒童營養不良而良心不安

463
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,779
‪我夠了，演過《孿生姊妹》這部片
‪我人生的罪惡感已經夠了

464
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:39,905
‪來自西班牙

465
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:42,407
‪來自西班牙？天哪，哈囉，妳好

466
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,661
‪妳好像在往上看
‪妳從電視上看我嗎？

467
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,496
‪對，電腦壞了

468
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:50,123
‪好，那我試著讓它看起來正常一點

469
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,291
‪“哈囉，妳好嗎？”

470
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,254
‪對妳有幫助嗎？還是沒有？

471
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,966
‪妳會怕嗎？緊張嗎？

472
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551
‪還是妳很開心看到彼此？

473
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:02,469
‪（西班牙）

474
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:07,224
‪很奇怪，因為西班牙人很熱情

475
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:09,643
‪當你見到別人，就會親吻

476
00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,019
‪在臉頰上

477
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:15,190
‪所以…社交距離…

478
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,317
‪我們有一座城市叫德里，也是如此

479
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,529
‪但不是…不像你們這樣彼此同意

480
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,030
‪德里就是這樣

481
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,740
‪滾開，混蛋

482
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:26,076
‪女士，我是在當西班牙人，好嗎？
‪西班牙人

483
00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:26,994
‪（離開愛爾蘭 愛爾蘭）

484
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:28,996
‪我現在在愛爾蘭，我是印度人

485
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,706
‪但此刻我人在愛爾蘭

486
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:31,623
‪（愛爾蘭）

487
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:35,711
‪我猜到妳是印度人，因為“查魯…”

488
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:40,882
‪妳被困在大學裡？

489
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,719
‪-我不會說是“困住”
‪-好

490
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:48,515
‪因為我們還是能出去散步…

491
00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:52,519
‪去超市採買，去騎腳踏車等等

492
00:21:52,602 --> 00:21:54,438
‪所以我不會說我被困住了

493
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,565
‪所有其他坐在這裡的印度人心想

494
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,150
‪“混蛋，妳該死的…”

495
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:02,112
‪她在西班牙的村莊
‪該死地喝著氣泡酒

496
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,573
‪這小姐很放鬆，騎著腳踏車出去

497
00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:07,826
‪我在念生物醫學工程碩士

498
00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:08,744
‪妳相信嗎？

499
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,705
‪妳相信我們九月、十月就會有疫苗？

500
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:14,374
‪我很懷疑，因為整個製作

501
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,710
‪疫苗的過程非常漫長

502
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:20,422
‪妳得和血清研究所家族的人上床
‪很辛苦…

503
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,259
‪我告訴妳，這是個圈內人的笑話
‪好的，酷

504
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,636
‪只有我懂？好

505
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,513
‪今天是倫敦的首場演出

506
00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:34,144
‪倫…

507
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:36,772
‪我永遠都不會再去倫敦了

508
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:37,689
‪（去酒吧 倫敦）

509
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:39,357
‪-去酒吧
‪-去酒吧？好

510
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:40,942
‪妳去酒吧都喝什麼？

511
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,487
‪第一件事…妳的夜晚從何開始？

512
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:44,696
‪當然是馬丁尼

513
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,740
‪馬丁尼
‪為何說：“當然是馬丁尼”？

514
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:51,244
‪或許妳想喝啤酒，不曉得
‪假如…我不是倫敦人

515
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,706
‪不曉得我幹嘛表現出印度樣
‪說那句話

516
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:57,000
‪我不是倫敦人，孩子

517
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,086
‪你不能去酒吧

518
00:22:59,169 --> 00:23:00,420
‪把印度鑽石還來

519
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:03,340
{\an8}‪（度蜜月 困在印度）

520
00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:05,050
{\an8}‪我們3月13日在印度結婚

521
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,510
{\an8}‪當天整個世界毀了

522
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,762
{\an8}‪我們結婚了…

523
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:11,473
‪很好，所以你們在過該死的疫情蜜月

524
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:12,390
‪太棒了

525
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,604
{\an8}‪你們的小孩會…會被叫做新冠

526
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:19,898
{\an8}‪事情就會這樣

527
00:23:19,981 --> 00:23:22,150
‪好，現在是…

528
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,571
‪週日早上7點

529
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
‪我要為紐約的觀眾演出脫口秀

530
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,035
‪真是太詭異了

531
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:32,994
‪（理髮 紐約）

532
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,663
‪-理髮
‪-理髮

533
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:38,708
‪那裡有個錫克人…
‪賈斯溫，希望那不是你

534
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,585
‪那不是你，好，酷

535
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:45,590
‪賈斯溫坐在那裡想

536
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,885
‪“解封後，我得說我受夠錫克教了”

537
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:52,764
‪（修眉 紐約）

538
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,350
‪-修眉
‪-修眉

539
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,312
‪小姐，我也是，很需要

540
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,522
‪好，管理員，讓她靜音

541
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:03,900
‪我以為這會很好，靠北，這真是…

542
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:05,652
‪好，不，我們來聊吧

543
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:08,405
‪妳不能自己修嗎？那不是…

544
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:09,322
‪（紐約）

545
00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:13,076
‪修眉毛是很認真的事，不能亂來

546
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,538
‪為何？最糟會怎樣？
‪妳只會有超驚訝的表情

547
00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:22,169
‪妳會…

548
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,132
‪妳朋友會說
‪“艾斯米塔真的很喜歡那家星巴克”

549
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,466
‪你知道我的意思？

550
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,512
‪“我每天跟她去星巴克都十年了

551
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,182
‪但我得說，她今天真的很喜歡”

552
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:37,767
‪在印度，大家會說
‪“我都沒有食物…

553
00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:40,187
‪工人在遷移…等等”

554
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:41,146
‪這裡則是

555
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:44,232
‪“我不能修眉毛，我不能開車”

556
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,485
‪你們這群好命的混蛋

557
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:49,821
{\an8}‪不，是在醫院出生的

558
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:51,114
‪（英國）

559
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:53,074
‪但很怪，我們沒有…

560
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,368
‪例如護理師不會過來碰我

561
00:24:55,452 --> 00:24:58,038
‪所以我基本上得獨自照顧小孩

562
00:24:58,121 --> 00:24:59,080
‪真瘋狂

563
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:03,501
‪歷史中頭一遭
‪護理師和爸爸交換角色了

564
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:06,004
‪因為爸爸在處理所有的事

565
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,925
‪而護理師在2公尺外說
‪“做得很棒”

566
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:13,845
‪嬰兒生出來，看著爸爸，嬰兒心想

567
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:17,349
‪“他是醫生嗎？為何他在哭？”

568
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:19,392
‪我今天聽到一個關於病毒的好故事

569
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:20,602
‪（病毒的故事）

570
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:21,561
‪蝙蝠吃了水果

571
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,731
{\an8}‪水果掉了，被豬吃了

572
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,107
{\an8}‪（德里）

573
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:30,320
{\an8}‪那隻豬被宰了

574
00:25:30,403 --> 00:25:32,864
{\an8}‪去了武漢市場之類的

575
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:33,782
{\an8}‪好

576
00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:37,327
{\an8}‪有人買了豬，主廚拿到飯店

577
00:25:37,410 --> 00:25:38,245
{\an8}‪好

578
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:42,165
{\an8}‪有人叫他，要稱讚主廚

579
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,709
{\an8}‪所以他就擦手，去和那人握手

580
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:46,920
‪好，我只是想說，假如這是真的

581
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:50,799
‪那你就是個智商普通
‪但資訊不錯的人

582
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:56,137
‪但假如你在唬我，那你真的是天才

583
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,472
‪我喜歡他的自信

584
00:25:57,555 --> 00:25:59,683
‪“蝙蝠，吃了豬，接著豬…”

585
00:25:59,766 --> 00:26:01,810
‪我來自印度，困在新加坡

586
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,354
‪-原本計畫叫我太太過來
‪-好

587
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:07,357
‪但突然發生疫情，發生這愚蠢的事

588
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,566
‪好，酷

589
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,319
‪我知道病毒超蠢，我們才是聰明人

590
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:19,119
‪現在是第9562天，病毒還存活著

591
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:21,830
‪就像是《洛基》演到第19集

592
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:22,747
‪（沖水）

593
00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:23,915
‪我保證…

594
00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:26,042
‪有人在廁所嗎？我聽到沖水聲

595
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:27,961
‪你們聽到了嗎？

596
00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,756
‪你們聽到了嗎？

597
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,842
‪有人在廁所

598
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,761
‪有人在我演出時大便，而且不是我

599
00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:41,057
‪這太妙了…

600
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:47,147
‪（佛朗明哥 馬德里）

601
00:26:47,230 --> 00:26:49,816
‪我目前在馬德里
‪我在西班牙跳佛朗明哥

602
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:51,192
‪真不錯

603
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:52,110
‪（馬德里）

604
00:26:52,193 --> 00:26:54,487
‪所以我等著重新穿上佛朗明哥舞鞋

605
00:26:54,571 --> 00:26:56,906
‪我覺得妳可以保持社交距離
‪跳佛朗明哥

606
00:26:56,990 --> 00:27:00,327
‪因為佛朗明哥是女生這樣跳
‪然後用腳踏

607
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,412
‪在2公尺之外

608
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,873
‪有個男人彈吉他
‪色瞇瞇地看著她，對吧？

609
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,833
‪這就是佛朗明哥

610
00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:08,126
{\an8}‪對，沒錯

611
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,296
{\an8}‪他這麼做…就這樣，整支舞就是如此

612
00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:12,797
{\an8}‪對，充滿性的張力

613
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:15,967
‪他說…她說：“離我遠一點”

614
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:18,094
‪他說：“但我愛妳…

615
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,055
‪我從妳雙眼看得出來妳想要我”

616
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:22,182
‪她說：“那我就擋住眼睛吧”

617
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,980
‪前天晚上…

618
00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:32,317
{\an8}‪首先是幽默的維爾達斯

619
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,028
{\an8}‪他鄰居威脅要對著他咳嗽

620
00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:38,823
‪大概是我在孟買度過最瘋狂的一晚

621
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:40,325
‪老先生對著我打噴嚏

622
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:42,786
‪我們沒事，我們…

623
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:44,788
‪我們解決了，現在是朋友

624
00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:46,539
‪但我要把故事告訴你們

625
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,672
‪對著別人打噴嚏是一種
‪超級親密的舉動

626
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:59,094
‪需要同意和近距離，二者我都非自願

627
00:28:01,679 --> 00:28:03,181
‪我想要…

628
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,351
‪他說：“你會被追殺”，我沒回應

629
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:07,811
‪因為我很怕鬼

630
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:09,938
‪我遇過鬼

631
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,982
‪我當時在大學

632
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:17,904
‪我躺在床上，我感覺有人坐在我床上

633
00:28:17,987 --> 00:28:19,823
‪床上沒有別人

634
00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:24,119
‪我知道房間有鬼
‪然後我耳朵聽見有人說

635
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:26,996
‪“你有大麻嗎？”

636
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,293
‪我說：“什麼？”

637
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:35,422
‪鬼說：“對，大哥，你有貨嗎？”

638
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:39,342
‪“天堂沒有大麻”

639
00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:41,970
‪我說：“為何天堂沒有大麻？”

640
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:46,349
‪他說：“想想看，大哥
‪植物不能種在雲裡”

641
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,396
‪我從沒這樣想過

642
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:54,232
‪植物不能種在雲裡
‪知道這代表什麼嗎？

643
00:28:54,315 --> 00:28:56,359
‪天堂沒有吃素的人

644
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,114
‪難怪那裡會被稱為天堂

645
00:29:02,824 --> 00:29:04,993
‪我半夜打給律師

646
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:07,162
‪她說：“這種事難免
‪發佈到網路上”

647
00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:12,292
‪現在每一條新聞和推特

648
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:15,670
‪都在報導，我們還上了電視

649
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,508
‪我表現得好像有幽默感對吧？

650
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,970
‪我現在得去做新冠肺炎檢驗了

651
00:29:24,053 --> 00:29:25,764
‪他拉下口罩，這樣…

652
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:26,973
‪他這樣…

653
00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:28,850
‪事情經過如此

654
00:29:30,268 --> 00:29:33,605
‪很可愛，那個噴嚏，他就這樣…

655
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,737
‪我覺得他心裡想的是
‪“我要對他打噴嚏”

656
00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:43,573
‪而他的身體說
‪“不，你要對他咳嗽”

657
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:46,117
‪接著就合而為一

658
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,869
‪你的身體有時候會這樣

659
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,662
‪你想：“我要笑”

660
00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:53,041
‪你的身體說
‪“不，你要放屁和稍微拉在褲子上”

661
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:56,586
‪我是喜劇演員，我知道自己的工作
‪我是喜劇演員

662
00:29:56,669 --> 00:29:59,255
‪我會接受這鳥事，我會拿來寫成笑話

663
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,674
‪大家都說：“你怎麼沒揍那個人？”

664
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:06,554
‪我唯一能想到的是
‪我的心裡和身體某處

665
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,641
‪我心想：“別這樣，我有未來”

666
00:30:09,724 --> 00:30:12,811
‪“我不能被抵制，我有未來”

667
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,564
‪我該怎麼跟治療師談此事？她會說…

668
00:30:17,398 --> 00:30:19,984
‪“好，這一節我要退費，因為…

669
00:30:20,902 --> 00:30:25,031
‪我在伯格鎮大學沒學到這個”

670
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:27,742
‪伯格鎮？

671
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:31,454
‪40歲了才發現自己竟然是

672
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,957
‪樂觀主義者，實在是讓人很頭痛

673
00:30:38,044 --> 00:30:40,004
‪就好像發現自己有糖尿病

674
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,714
‪懂我的意思吧，就像…

675
00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:44,634
‪“我得改變我整個人生了，靠！”

676
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:49,347
‪“我得放棄我愛的東西，糖和自憐”

677
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:51,474
‪（我是美國人 新德里）

678
00:30:51,558 --> 00:30:53,226
{\an8}‪不…不過我是美國人

679
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:56,563
{\an8}‪住在德里的美國人，所以我來自國外

680
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,649
{\an8}‪很好！所以妳當難民多久了？

681
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:01,276
{\an8}‪（新德里）

682
00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:03,111
{\an8}‪將近三年

683
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:05,655
{\an8}‪將近三年，妳做哪一行的？

684
00:31:06,614 --> 00:31:08,575
{\an8}‪需要適應

685
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:10,952
{\an8}‪對於蝗蟲直奔我們而來
‪我覺得很不好

686
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,245
{\an8}‪我不能接受

687
00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:15,290
{\an8}‪我可以撐過酷熱、沙塵暴

688
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:16,791
{\an8}‪我可以忍受政治

689
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:19,294
{\an8}‪但聖經裡的瘟疫是我的底線

690
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:23,923
{\an8}‪好的，酷，跟每個美國人一樣
‪這沒有回答我的問題

691
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,050
‪而且資訊太多

692
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:28,094
‪我剛才問的是妳從事什麼工作

693
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:29,429
‪妳靠什麼維生？

694
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:30,763
{\an8}‪我是旅行業者

695
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:33,683
{\an8}‪我們送了四千名美國公民出去

696
00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,269
{\an8}‪幫他們每個人安排班機

697
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:39,105
‪做得好！替她鼓鼓掌

698
00:31:39,188 --> 00:31:41,232
‪妳做得很好，很棒

699
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:45,612
{\an8}‪讓他們離開印度，這裡病例很少

700
00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:47,322
‪把他們送到美國

701
00:31:51,993 --> 00:31:52,827
‪做得真好

702
00:31:54,662 --> 00:31:57,832
‪讓他們離開奎寧只要20盧比的印度

703
00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:59,208
‪到美國去…

704
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,212
‪那裡的醫療保險系統完全沒有缺陷

705
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,090
‪會收你實際藥價的30倍費用

706
00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,176
‪但我選擇留下來

707
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:09,552
‪-巴黎
‪-你在巴黎？

708
00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:12,013
‪巴黎情況如何？開始解封了吧？

709
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:15,016
{\an8}‪沒有觀光客，到處都是免費的
‪所以很好玩

710
00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:15,934
{\an8}‪（巴黎）

711
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:19,479
‪別表現得像個該死的法國佬
‪這麼自我中心

712
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,524
‪說你有…說這種屁話
‪你得有法國口音

713
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:26,653
‪“你知道，很不錯的
‪沒有觀光客，我可以抽菸…

714
00:32:27,862 --> 00:32:31,032
‪我可以有存在主義的困頓
‪非常經典的法國人”

715
00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:32,158
‪這是…

716
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:34,202
{\an8}‪但你說：“不，沒有觀光客

717
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:37,830
{\an8}‪我們很喜歡，巴黎很美”，這很…

718
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:41,042
‪你太友善，裝不出法國人的高傲
‪不好意思

719
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:44,087
‪我來自墨爾本
‪我搞不太清楚我想做什麼

720
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,713
‪我要繼續了，聽不到妳的聲音

721
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,632
‪抱歉，我們沒有這種時間

722
00:32:47,715 --> 00:32:49,217
‪首先，這些門票錢不夠

723
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,678
‪讓我跟人進行治療

724
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:53,012
‪4塊9毛9要給慈善機構

725
00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:54,013
‪（當牙醫 拉哥斯）

726
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:56,808
‪-我們來自拉哥斯
‪-你們在奈及利亞？

727
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:59,143
‪非洲現在幾點？

728
00:32:59,227 --> 00:33:01,104
‪（拉哥斯）

729
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:03,898
‪那是兩根大拇指
‪但妳可以講時間嗎？

730
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,236
‪我是人類學家，我們三個都是

731
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:12,824
{\an8}‪靠！這是我見過最詭異的三人行了

732
00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,076
{\an8}‪不，這真的很怪，我只是說…

733
00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:18,454
{\an8}‪如果左邊那個人開始酗酒

734
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:21,624
{\an8}‪他就會變成右邊那個人
‪你懂的，這…

735
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:25,169
‪或許我該直接這樣演出？

736
00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:26,963
‪嘿，各位

737
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:29,132
‪封城一切順利

738
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:35,638
‪我要整理儀容，逗一些人笑

739
00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:38,057
‪-水煙
‪-你那裡沒有水煙？

740
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:40,309
‪我跟一個四個月大的小孩住在一起

741
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,561
‪不能帶那個回家

742
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:43,521
‪你的小孩不喜歡抽水煙？

743
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:47,900
‪-水煙…
‪-當然不

744
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:50,111
‪水煙不能代替母親的乳房？

745
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:54,449
‪當然不

746
00:33:56,075 --> 00:33:57,285
‪“孩子聽著，我們得…”

747
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:02,582
‪“聽著，孩子，我們沒有乳汁
‪但試試這個蘋果”

748
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:05,251
‪（自在咳嗽 阿聯）

749
00:34:05,334 --> 00:34:08,254
{\an8}‪自由地咳嗽，不必擔心別人的批評

750
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:11,007
{\an8}‪我在航空公司上班

751
00:34:11,090 --> 00:34:12,884
{\an8}‪那是咳嗽的好地方

752
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:17,096
{\an8}‪你是機組人員還是在辦公室上班？

753
00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:18,765
{\an8}‪-辦公室
‪-好，很棒

754
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:19,932
{\an8}‪在家工作

755
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,809
‪很好，因為你可不希望機組人員

756
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,895
‪這樣子：“素的還是葷的？”
‪走過走道

757
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,149
‪我從中國來，我需要回去

758
00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:29,859
{\an8}‪所以我第一件要做的事

759
00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:33,362
{\an8}‪就是去機場，搭飛機回家

760
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:36,032
‪好，精神毛病是何時開始的？

761
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:41,621
‪妳想回去中國？

762
00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,664
{\an8}‪他們對全世界封閉國界…

763
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,958
{\an8}‪哇，他們整個歷史都是如此

764
00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:50,588
‪今天是…

765
00:34:52,465 --> 00:34:54,258
‪有點瘋狂的一天，我…

766
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:55,259
‪（NETFLIX-環繞世界
‪印度 維爾達斯）

767
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:58,262
‪有本雜誌叫《Q》報導了我

768
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:00,473
‪許多我的偶像都在上面

769
00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:03,476
‪像賽恩菲爾德、艾倫狄珍妮

770
00:35:03,559 --> 00:35:07,021
‪賴特曼、查普爾和克里斯洛克等人

771
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:09,732
‪我佔了一個小篇幅，然後…

772
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,486
‪我在讀其他更大的報導

773
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:18,616
‪我看到傑瑞賽恩菲爾德和克里斯洛克
‪在咖啡廳聊天

774
00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:23,204
‪他們…聊到我

775
00:35:26,624 --> 00:35:28,668
‪就是提到我

776
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:30,837
‪不是說他們聚在一起…

777
00:35:32,213 --> 00:35:34,507
‪他們說：“傑瑞，我們得聊聊維爾”

778
00:35:34,590 --> 00:35:35,883
‪不是的…

779
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:39,345
‪他們聊了很多事，剛好提到我

780
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:41,556
‪傑瑞賽恩菲爾德告訴克里斯洛克

781
00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:44,308
‪“我看到這個印度人，維爾達斯”

782
00:35:44,934 --> 00:35:47,645
‪“看了一些他的東西
‪他真的很好笑”

783
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,025
‪穿越全世界

784
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:55,486
‪我坐在…

785
00:35:57,530 --> 00:35:59,866
‪班德拉不到三坪的房間裡

786
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:03,035
‪而…在紐約的咖啡店…

787
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,374
‪傑瑞賽恩菲爾德告訴克里斯洛克
‪我很好笑

788
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:11,669
‪維爾星期天就滿…

789
00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:13,880
‪-36歲了
‪-滾啦，卡維

790
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,632
‪-我想為他唱“生日快樂”
‪-不，別做這種事

791
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:18,759
‪拜託別這樣，很尷尬

792
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:20,761
‪一、二、三

793
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:25,224
‪祝你生日快樂

794
00:36:25,308 --> 00:36:29,645
‪祝你生日快樂

795
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,606
‪明天是我生日

796
00:36:33,733 --> 00:36:34,817
‪在這一刻…

797
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:38,196
‪我覺得自己像80歲

798
00:36:38,487 --> 00:36:40,615
‪伊夏帕里瓦
‪畫面中的是妳的可愛寶寶嗎？

799
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:41,782
‪不，我是她阿姨

800
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:42,742
‪（普納）

801
00:36:42,825 --> 00:36:44,493
‪很好，那是別人的寶寶

802
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,121
‪妳未經同意就放到鏡頭前

803
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,875
‪她是你最小的粉絲

804
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:53,294
‪我…

805
00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,630
‪我該怎麼跟寶寶溝通？

806
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,757
‪妳覺得現在該怎麼辦？

807
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,468
‪她可以回應…

808
00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:02,386
‪很好…

809
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:08,893
‪哈囉，寶寶

810
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:17,026
‪感謝寶寶觀賞這場視訊演出

811
00:37:18,986 --> 00:37:22,698
‪我道歉，寶寶，為了外面的疫情

812
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:25,993
‪雖然妳連疫情是什麼都不懂

813
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:31,874
‪沒用的，伊夏，我努力了
‪靠北，這…

814
00:37:31,958 --> 00:37:34,961
‪不好意思…不行，抱歉

815
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:38,256
‪我很能接受回饋，努力精進技藝

816
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:40,591
‪但這該死的寶寶是個糟糕的觀眾

817
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,343
‪好，這就是我要說的

818
00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,095
‪這個寶寶是個很糟的觀眾

819
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:46,264
‪她不屬於脫口秀

820
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:47,223
‪（公園喝啤酒 倫敦）

821
00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:49,308
‪-倫敦
‪-你現在在倫敦？

822
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,726
‪這位是你可愛的朋友，還是…

823
00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:53,271
‪是我可愛的朋友，她叫艾蜜莉

824
00:37:53,354 --> 00:37:55,773
‪-艾蜜莉，你們在交往嗎？
‪-當然

825
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,942
‪太棒了，考慮結婚嗎？

826
00:37:58,025 --> 00:37:59,235
‪拜託，沒有

827
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,283
‪我從沒在視訊上看過分手

828
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,994
‪我想今天可能會是第一次，這太棒了

829
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:10,871
‪“靠，沒有”，他忍不住說出口

830
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:13,165
‪艾蜜莉，妳喜歡這個印度人嗎？

831
00:38:13,249 --> 00:38:14,917
‪現在不喜歡了

832
00:38:20,172 --> 00:38:23,050
‪尤范，今晚享受另外一個房間
‪或睡沙發吧

833
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:27,930
‪我每次演出，當你開門時

834
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,765
‪我給你們看會有什麼事

835
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,811
‪當你一開門看到的第一件事
‪準備好了嗎？稍等

836
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:35,563
‪讓我把螢幕…

837
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,649
‪這是書房的門

838
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,193
‪每次開門…

839
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:42,820
‪就會看到…

840
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,116
‪唯一的觀眾，牠看了…

841
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:49,160
‪非常多場演出

842
00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:50,161
‪（祈禱 坎普爾）

843
00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:52,163
‪是哪個人說祈禱？因為如果…

844
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:54,040
{\an8}‪-這個
‪-我說的

845
00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,417
‪因為如果妳們三個都是祈禱

846
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,461
‪那就會像那種奧修修院

847
00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:00,629
{\an8}‪知道我的意思嗎？就像…

848
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:02,631
{\an8}‪“所有的女性都是祈禱”

849
00:39:04,091 --> 00:39:06,844
{\an8}‪“要找到你內在的祈禱

850
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,348
‪釋放你的祈禱”

851
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:16,437
‪好奇怪，西方的性解放歷史

852
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,607
‪都是被印度男人推動的

853
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:22,777
{\an8}‪而在家鄉根本沒人想跟他們打炮

854
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:25,112
‪（蔞葉 孟買）

855
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,739
‪-我在孟買
‪-妳在孟買

856
00:39:26,822 --> 00:39:28,908
‪我想吃泰國菜
‪所以我會去娜拉泰餐廳

857
00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:30,368
‪他們會油炸蔞葉

858
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:33,788
‪搭配某種沾醬

859
00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:35,206
‪很好吃

860
00:39:36,290 --> 00:39:40,169
‪什麼…好，我不要假裝懂
‪到底什麼是蔞葉？

861
00:39:40,252 --> 00:39:42,380
‪檳榔葉

862
00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:44,757
‪妳早該這麼說的，“塔那的女人”

863
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:49,136
‪“我要蔞葉”

864
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,015
‪檳榔葉

865
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:57,228
‪說：“檳榔”，不是蔞葉

866
00:39:57,311 --> 00:39:58,854
‪我真喜歡

867
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:04,151
‪我覺得…蔞葉聽起來像做愛時的
‪安全字彙

868
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:08,239
‪你們知道情侶會有安全字彙嗎？

869
00:40:08,322 --> 00:40:10,366
‪我覺得，她把手指插到你屁眼

870
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,493
‪你會說：“蔞葉…”

871
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,080
‪她沒聽懂，你會說

872
00:40:16,163 --> 00:40:18,666
‪“檳榔葉…拿出來”

873
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:22,086
‪最後一場演出

874
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:25,297
‪我…

875
00:40:27,049 --> 00:40:28,259
‪明天要走了

876
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:29,510
‪（同樣活著 阿麥達巴）

877
00:40:29,593 --> 00:40:31,887
‪-同樣活著
‪-瑪哈波克？

878
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:35,141
‪-對
‪-你姓“波克”？

879
00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:38,477
‪-對…
‪-你是掮客嗎？

880
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:39,687
‪不是

881
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:42,398
‪不是，當然，怎麼會是呢？

882
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:46,902
‪好，我姓達斯，我也不是僕人，可以

883
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:51,365
‪好的，瑪哈，你做什麼的？

884
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,617
‪我現在是麵包師傅（音同貝克）

885
00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:59,206
‪你叫做波克貝克？波克…

886
00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:00,833
‪名字不錯

887
00:41:00,916 --> 00:41:02,126
‪波克貝克

888
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:05,379
‪你會出去多烤點麵包，在哪座城市？

889
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,173
‪-孟買？
‪-阿麥達巴

890
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:11,969
‪在阿麥達巴？
‪你是…古加拉特的麵包師傅？

891
00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:13,345
‪對

892
00:41:13,429 --> 00:41:18,309
‪（阿麥達巴）

893
00:41:18,392 --> 00:41:21,896
‪我想我不需要明講
‪但我想你知道我在想什麼

894
00:41:23,397 --> 00:41:25,983
‪我要快速進行下去

895
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:26,901
‪（搞清楚設定的大叔 孟買）

896
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,778
‪我不知道如何設定，設定隱私

897
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:31,739
‪（孟買）

898
00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:35,659
‪大叔，你要去右上角

899
00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:38,537
‪不敢相信…
‪伊桑，我幹嘛要跟你父母

900
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:40,206
‪解釋科技？

901
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:44,084
‪爸，在右上角

902
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:47,505
‪“爸，在右上角”

903
00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:51,926
‪兒子，我做了，我開了啟動視窗

904
00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:54,220
‪伊桑，他做了

905
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:57,473
‪聽起很複雜

906
00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:58,641
‪是很複雜

907
00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:00,893
‪伊桑，你應該把父母訓練得更好

908
00:42:00,976 --> 00:42:03,479
‪-我說說而已，好嗎？
‪-我知道…

909
00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:04,396
‪（教養 孟買）

910
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,899
‪-你媽想要什麼？
‪-她也想看

911
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:09,151
‪當然歡迎她來看，別傻了

912
00:42:09,235 --> 00:42:11,695
‪如果她想坐下來…對

913
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:15,407
‪我幹嘛想要偷看
‪好像我可以看穿你的…

914
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:19,036
‪嗨，阿姨，我幹嘛又彎腰？

915
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,085
‪晚安，妳兒子在脫口秀中學到很多

916
00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,839
‪阿姨，妳知道女友的事嗎？

917
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,383
‪（孟買）

918
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:34,343
‪對，我…我有一些…

919
00:42:34,426 --> 00:42:35,553
‪妳知道啦

920
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,933
‪今晚的晚餐會超沉默的，對吧？

921
00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:44,812
‪“媽，妳害我尷尬死了
‪就在那個老屁股喜劇演員面前”

922
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:48,482
‪他是個好孩子，是的

923
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:49,400
‪（幫助更多人 醫師）

924
00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:50,568
‪尼可…沙弗列特？

925
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,278
‪嘿，我是醫事人員

926
00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:54,905
‪妳是醫事人員？掌聲鼓勵，快點

927
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:56,907
‪來吧，各位，很棒

928
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:59,243
‪（夏洛茨維爾）

929
00:42:59,326 --> 00:43:01,954
‪蘇傑賈朱醫師今晚在嗎？

930
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,289
‪-在
‪-醫師，你在嗎？

931
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:05,249
‪我在公開場合總是這麼說

932
00:43:05,332 --> 00:43:08,294
‪只是為了得到掌聲，這是我的工作

933
00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:09,670
‪你在孟買隔離

934
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:12,298
‪你在看我的演出，你在孟買隔離

935
00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:13,841
‪是的

936
00:43:14,633 --> 00:43:16,594
‪所以妳今天休假？

937
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:19,138
‪-對，我值夜班
‪-妳值夜班

938
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,390
‪我在急診室工作，我是緊急救護

939
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:24,852
‪你覺得如何？
‪我先問問你的健康如何？

940
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:26,353
‪每天都在進步

941
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:30,316
‪我有輕微發燒之類的…
‪新冠相關的症狀

942
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:32,610
‪但我現在很不錯

943
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:34,862
‪妳是急診室的緊急救護？

944
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:39,867
‪天哪，我想妳一定
‪度過了漫長的三個月吧？

945
00:43:39,950 --> 00:43:42,911
‪-是，當然
‪-我想像妳看過一些場面

946
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,289
‪你知道是怎麼感染的嗎？
‪在哪感染的？

947
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:47,875
‪其實我去值新冠肺炎的班

948
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:51,086
‪我在醫療現場當值超過一個月

949
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,673
‪所以我可能是在那裡感染的

950
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:57,468
‪但我知道我恢復後會更強壯

951
00:43:57,551 --> 00:44:00,054
‪醫生，我向你保證二件事

952
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:03,682
‪今晚的演出要完全獻給你

953
00:44:03,766 --> 00:44:06,352
‪我給你身為藝術家的保證，我會保證

954
00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:08,687
‪演出能讓最多的人觀賞到

955
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:13,067
‪今天你休假，我要用我

956
00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,779
‪全身每一寸的力氣
‪確保你今天過得很好

957
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:19,490
‪對，它的確沒有我們以為得可怕

958
00:44:19,573 --> 00:44:23,869
‪其實是人們把它變得更恐怖

959
00:44:23,952 --> 00:44:26,288
‪-我們都知道基礎的事
‪-對

960
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:28,832
‪要洗手，別摸臉，摸你的蛋蛋

961
00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,459
‪-沒錯
‪-我們都知道…

962
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:33,087
‪顯然是

963
00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:37,800
‪你在隔離，你也懂，醫師

964
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,134
‪對

965
00:44:39,218 --> 00:44:40,761
‪感謝你所做的每一件事

966
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:42,179
‪別說傻話

967
00:44:42,262 --> 00:44:43,972
‪聽著，整場表演都是印度語

968
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:50,896
‪我…

969
00:44:55,192 --> 00:44:58,487
‪12年了，在這一行中
‪現在很難有事情能讓我驚艷

970
00:45:00,739 --> 00:45:03,242
‪我們開始做這些演出
‪因為我們必須做

971
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:06,120
‪為了慈善機構，這很重要，而…

972
00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:07,955
‪我本來有點不高興

973
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:10,332
‪因為我想：“我不知道這是否可行”

974
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,838
‪第一次，我看到我觀眾的房子

975
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,799
‪對藝術家而言，這是非常詭異的事

976
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:23,387
‪我人生的配樂都是笑聲

977
00:45:23,470 --> 00:45:25,639
‪每個晚上我都聽到笑聲

978
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:32,604
‪我沒想過在封城的時候
‪我會聽到這麼多笑聲

979
00:45:33,647 --> 00:45:37,693
‪第一次，我可以看見你們
‪和你們的生活

980
00:45:37,776 --> 00:45:40,571
‪而不是只有你們來看我

981
00:45:41,155 --> 00:45:42,197
‪從…

982
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,491
‪世界各地

983
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,243
‪所以我謝謝你們

984
00:45:46,326 --> 00:45:49,538
‪因為…這真的很怪

985
00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:54,126
‪我為你們表演超過十年了
‪但好像我們才剛認識

986
00:45:55,085 --> 00:45:57,796
‪這是慈善演出，我們募到款項

987
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,507
‪希望你們也過得開心，不過…

988
00:46:00,591 --> 00:46:02,926
‪這對我有…

989
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:05,846
‪很深的意義

990
00:46:05,929 --> 00:46:09,308
‪能在這裡實踐我的藝術形式

991
00:46:09,391 --> 00:46:11,977
‪不是要等到有解藥，而是…

992
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:17,441
‪當你們不再害怕死亡
‪我身為藝術家就能再度活著

993
00:46:17,524 --> 00:46:20,027
‪這很諷刺，要等待這一切

994
00:46:20,777 --> 00:46:22,154
‪而不沉沒

995
00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:24,531
‪或生疏

996
00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:29,286
‪今天有醫護在場，我…

997
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:33,624
‪我想沒有比這更完美的結尾了
‪因為…

998
00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:37,002
‪這是我最後一場演出

999
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:44,051
‪是真的，因為我們明天離開孟買

1000
00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:51,350
‪我應該…讓你們看看房間
‪有何不可？

1001
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:58,398
‪過去我就是住在這裡…

1002
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:00,234
‪這是書桌

1003
00:47:02,819 --> 00:47:05,322
‪這是掛滿我的海報的牆

1004
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:10,619
‪我的書和帽子

1005
00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,209
‪明天…

1006
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:21,630
‪希望宇宙回報每位醫護人員

1007
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:24,466
‪十倍、一萬倍

1008
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:26,677
‪謝謝你們所做的一切

1009
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,138
‪非常感謝各位今晚欣賞演出

1010
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:31,807
‪希望你們過得開心

1011
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:35,811
‪掰

1012
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:49,324
‪無論當新的世界重新開放後
‪你想做什麼

1013
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:52,744
‪希望你都能去做，希望你平安

1014
00:47:53,870 --> 00:47:56,915
‪假如你在想，解封後我們做了什麼…

1015
00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:58,000
‪（解封後）

1016
00:47:58,083 --> 00:47:58,959
‪好…

1017
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,168
‪（我們做的第一件事？）

1018
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:02,337
‪（送禮物）

1019
00:48:16,476 --> 00:48:17,686
‪（感謝你幫助世界對抗新冠）

1020
00:48:17,769 --> 00:48:18,979
‪（非常非常感謝你）

1021
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:20,480
‪（病毒去死）

1022
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,190
‪（先別離開！）

1023
00:48:22,274 --> 00:48:23,775
‪（後面還有！）

1024
00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:25,527
‪（亞尼楊見了女友）

1025
00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,279
‪（媽還是知道）

1026
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:29,031
‪（亞胥剪了頭髮）

1027
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:34,661
‪（艾斯米塔修了眉毛）

1028
00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:36,413
‪（查魯的男友去了愛爾蘭！）

1029
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:39,041
{\an8}‪（青瑪伊又開始跳佛朗明哥…
‪保持社交距離）

1030
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:41,543
‪（伊莉莎白還沒拿到去中國的簽證）

1031
00:48:41,627 --> 00:48:43,879
{\an8}‪（艾莉卡還是一整天都可以出門！）

1032
00:48:48,300 --> 00:48:50,510
{\an8}‪（赫曼卓與達妮找到了
‪一起到加拿大的班機！）

1033
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:53,221
{\an8}‪（海蒂卡暫時上線上的邦拉舞課 ）

1034
00:48:57,893 --> 00:48:59,895
‪（赫姆札和妻子
‪在開齋節帶寶寶出去）

1035
00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:01,938
{\an8}‪（伊夏的姪女還是不懂脫口秀）

1036
00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:04,024
‪（伊桑的爸爸還是搞不懂Zoom）

1037
00:49:04,107 --> 00:49:06,068
‪（吉特許還沒見到女兒）

1038
00:49:06,151 --> 00:49:08,070
{\an8}‪（瑞吉爾16歲了，不看色情片）

1039
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:15,744
‪（薩瑞克和寶寶不抽水煙）

1040
00:49:15,827 --> 00:49:17,829
‪（絲露詩提點了“亞洲食物”！）

1041
00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:20,290
{\an8}‪（泰奈在夜店開門前不打算出門）

1042
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:36,223
‪（莫尼卡解封後擁抱朋友）

1043
00:49:36,306 --> 00:49:38,517
‪（尤范離開了是非之地）

1044
00:49:42,521 --> 00:49:44,106
‪（尼可還在救人）

1045
00:49:44,189 --> 00:49:46,316
‪（很少休假）

1046
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,235
{\an8}‪（蘇傑賈朱醫師）

1047
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:50,070
‪（新冠肺炎痊癒）

1048
00:49:50,153 --> 00:49:52,072
‪（檢查結果陰性）

1049
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,574
‪（立刻重回工作）

1050
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,785
‪（疫情期間，維爾透過此封城演出）

1051
00:49:56,868 --> 00:49:58,495
‪（募得超過350萬盧比
‪給近17間）

1052
00:49:58,578 --> 00:49:59,830
‪（救助疫情的機構
‪喜劇能幫助世界）

1053
00:49:59,913 --> 00:50:02,124
{\an8}‪（維爾達斯還在寫笑話）

1054
00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:08,296
‪字幕翻譯：林小嘉