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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[soft piano music playing]
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[Vir Das] What you're about to watch
wasn't supposed to happen.
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It's completely unscripted.
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It was totally unplanned. It's just…
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a moment in time.
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When the world shut down,
we decided to do 30 shows for charity,
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just to raise money for COVID relief.
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And every night,
I'd ask people the same question.
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{\an8}What's the first thing
you're gonna do, the first thing,
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{\an8}when this world reopens?
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Welcome to lockdown day.
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I don't know what day it is.
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That's the thing about the entire world
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going through
the same thing at the same time.
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I guess it's special.
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All right. What's up!
What's up, everyone? Hello!
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Good evening,
and welcome to what promises to be
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the strangest stand-up comedy gig
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that you and I have both
ever been a part of.
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If you're not using earphones,
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what I ask is that you get as close
to the device as you possibly can
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so that I can hear you laugh.
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Because if I cannot hear you laugh,
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then it's just me in a room
talking to myself,
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worried that I'm going to die.
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We'll begin with
India's official unity mantra
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against the coronavirus.
On the count of three,
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everybody here will say,
"Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go."
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All right. Three, two, one… Go!
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[audience] Go, corona,
go, corona, go, corona, go.
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I'm not sure how this is going to go.
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Zoom shows, the future of stand-up…
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or the prelude to the death.
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What's the first thing
you're going to do once the lockdown ends?
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-Where's the girlfriend?
-Santacruz.
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You look very young. You look like
you've just read Harry Potter.
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[audience laughing]
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Like you've just finished
the last page of Deathly Hallows.
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How old are you?
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Seventeen.
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How long has it been
since you saw the girlfriend?
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Two months.
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Two months!
That's like, way before the virus.
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I think she might've
left you, buddy, like…
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Just saying.
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-That's before the lockdown.
-[audience laughing]
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She attended your show, er,
two days ago on the 15th.
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So I got a recommendation
from your girlfriend.
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That sounds wrong. No, no…
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[audience laughing]
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Comedically, fuck you,
you tharki people, all right?
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I do not interact with
17-year-old girls ever,
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on policy, under any circumstances.
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{\an8}[Sargam] Celebrate my birthday.
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Sargam, where are you joining us from?
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[Sargam] Chicago.
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Chicago? Jesus!
What time is it there, darling?
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[Sargam] Oh, it's morning time. It's 9:34.
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9:34… I mean, where the fuck
do you have to be, right?
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-So, that's great.
-[audience laughing]
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Americans, you wake up really early.
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They get to work
by 8 o'clock over there, right?
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That's how they're
the most powerful country… Er…
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Were the most powerful country
in the world. Er…
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Before…
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Before somebody ate a bat…
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[all laughing]
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…and crashed your economy.
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A bat fucked your country.
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Your whole country from across the world.
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And you thought a butterfly
had a big effect.
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[laughing]
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That's the toughest thing
about this virus.
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It's like we don't know who to blame.
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'Cause that's like
the hallmark of being Indian,
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is before you solve a problem,
you blame it on somebody else.
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And this is new territory for us.
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This is the first thing
we've experienced in the last 73 years
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that is not Pakistan's fault.
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[audience laughing]
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We are not used to things
not being Pakistan's fault.
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Now, all our politicians
are on TV in masks.
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It's great. It's great to see
conservative Hindu leaders
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dressing up exactly
like the Muslim women they oppress.
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[audience laughing]
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{\an8}We're allowed to meet
one person from outside your family,
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{\an8}out in a park, with two-meter distance.
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[all laughing]
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Who are you utilizing this rule for?
Who's that person you're meeting?
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{\an8}-That's my girlfriend.
-Your girlfriend?
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{\an8}[all laughing]
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And when you…
When you meet your girlfriend,
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your steady girlfriend,
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after six weeks… in a park… er…
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{\an8}you intend to socially distance?
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{\an8}I highly doubt that. That's why I am not
gonna meet her until the lockdown is over.
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Can you ima…
Like, I'm just picturing two people
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who are desperate and horny,
standing two meters away from each other.
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And his girlfriend just going, "Man,
I wish your dick was bigger right now,
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{\an8}I really do."
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{\an8}"That would be so much more useful."
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{\an8}Eat food from my favourite place.
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"Eat food."
Okay, great. So, Srushti Shah, er…
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You know, I'm glad
you completed the sentence.
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You know what I mean?
Where you were like, "Eat food,"
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and we all got worried about you.
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And then you were like,
"No, from my favourite place."
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{\an8}We were like,
"She's privileged. It's fine."
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{\an8}We all got it then. It is okay.
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{\an8}Yo, what are you studying?
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{\an8}Fashion design.
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Fashion design. Okay, cool.
We'll pretend that's a course.
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No, I'm joking. I'm joking.
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-In Gandhinagar?
-Yeah.
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Good. You know,
Gandhiji was known for great fashion. Er…
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[audience laughing]
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He had that one outfit
that was really popular, you know.
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And he designed it himself,
and, you know, it's…
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Okay. Did you hear
that uncomfortable silence, Srushti?
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On the Zoom call.
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All right. Cool. Erm…
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{\an8}-I love Asian food.
-Okay.
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{\an8}The place is called TG's.
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{\an8}That's the first place I'm going for.
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{\an8}You're eating dal-sabzi and all at home?
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{\an8}-Haan.
-You know that's Asian food.
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[audience laughing]
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Oriental food.
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I'm just putting it out there, like… Cool.
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You realize we're not in Scotland
right now. Technically, this is… [laughs]
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I may be in a place
that the virus came from, normally.
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You live… You're from Wuhan, really?
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No, no, no.
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Are you patient zero? You brought it over?
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Normally, I live and I work in China.
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I do think that it's a lot worse
than maybe what they've let on.
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No. I mean, China is just like,
"No, that's not a body, that's a…"
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"He's just sleeping," right?
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That's basically all China's been doing.
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"We've absolutely no new cases."
[imitates gunshots]
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-[Upasna] Graduate.
-Upasna, graduate in what?
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Architecture from Manipal University.
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Architecture from Manipal University,
which is half real.
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Let's be honest, all right.
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[audience laughing]
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The field of architecture is real,
but Manipal University means,
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"Papa gave 20 lakhs
in a suitcase to somebody."
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That's basically what that shit is, right?
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There are places in Gandhinagar
where you can go.
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NIFT, Gandhinagar.
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NIFT, Gandhinagar, cool. There's… Er…
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The National Institute
of Fashion Technology, right?
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-That's what NIFT is?
-Yes.
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'Cause, you know,
fashion is all about technology. Er…
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[audience laughing]
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You know, sometimes… [laughs]
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Sometimes, I'll put on a T-shirt
and I'll be like,
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"My God, this is hi-tech."
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You know… "This is just…"
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"Whoever designed this…" [chuckles]
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"You know, when I eat Asian food,
it just slides right off."
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"How did they
make that happen with this T-shirt?"
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I think I made fun
of the fashion girl a little too much.
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Like, no stylist
is ever gonna work with me again.
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It's okay. Isn't it all just
hazmat suits for the next fuckin' decade?
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"Asian food." It's… I had to, I'm sorry.
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-[man] Celebrate 420.
-Oh, man. Don't you have ganja?
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[man] No, bro.
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So, every time I go to a college,
people write in there,
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"Vir Das. 'Babaji ki Booty.'
Do you wanna get high together, bro?"
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"You want to smoke a 'J' together, bro?"
And I'm like, "No!"
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Can you imagine what would happen
if you, a college kid, got high with me,
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a 40-year-old man?
And you're like… [inhales deeply]
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"Hey, Vir Das, do you feel
like the moon landing was fake
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and they never told us about that shit?"
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[audience laughing]
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You know, and I'd be like,
"I have acid reflux."
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Like, you know… [laughs]
It would just be such a sad day.
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Are you able to smoke in your house?
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Yeah. Late night, I sneak up to my terrace
and do things when they're sleeping.
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You realize they know, right?
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They're in their bed, like… [sniffs]
"That's Manali."
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That's what's happening
in your house right now.
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What's the first thing you're going to do
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after the lockdown ends?
Somebody yell it out.
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-[Tanay] Stay home.
-Who the fuck is that?
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What are you sitting on?
Is that a video gamer's chair?
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Is that what that is?
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-That's a gamer's chair, yeah.
-That's a gamer's chair, yeah.
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[audience laughing]
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Just have some multivits, buddy, because…
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I mean… Gamer generation, you guys…
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You can't survive a peanut allergy.
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I'm not confident of your abilities
in a pandemic. I am sorry.
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If you had to go outside,
where would you go, what was your thing?
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-Clubbing.
-What's your favourite club?
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It was Tryst, but then
it shut down for renovation.
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Yeah, bro, I feel you. Tryst…
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[all laughing]
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Tryst. Tryst was lit AF.
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You know, like, just…
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You know, like, fuckin' Friday night.
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Have like a…
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A Rooh Afza shot and build a world and…
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Head out to Tryst.
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-[woman] I'm from Dubai, UAE.
-You're from UAE.
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That's not really, yaar… That's just…
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[audience laughing]
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That's just India
with cleaner and meaner people.
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If India loved architecture more
and hated Indians more, that's Dubai.
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00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,877
[audience laughing]
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00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,171
So lockdown has been extended, again.
215
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,550
And it will probably be extended again.
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00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:13,094
And again… And again, and again, and…
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What's the first thing you guys
are gonna do after the lockdown ends?
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Yell it out.
219
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-[man] I'll have ice cream.
-Is it not available where you are?
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[audience laughing]
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I think it's not available anywhere.
222
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,862
Because what we're doing here,
I don't know if you guys are doing this…
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Like, the package comes
and then we sanitize the package.
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Er, and then, we take the food and
immediately put it in another container
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and microwave that shit
for 30 seconds to nuke
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all the fuckin'…
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00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:45,418
So just do that with your ice cream.
Have some soup, man.
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[laughs] I don't know what else to…
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00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,129
[audience laughing]
230
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,675
Pranav, you're in Karnataka.
What do you do, buddy?
231
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Er, actually, I was supposed…
I'm supposed to go to US for my studies.
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I am just waiting.
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[woman] Oh…
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00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:02,977
Pranav, I have bad news.
235
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,354
-[Pranav chuckles]
-[woman] Aw…
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00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,941
Er… And… But you have the visa
and everything, it's all done?
237
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:13,070
No, no.
Only I have admission and I have the date.
238
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,615
-[Pranav chuckles]
-[women] Aw…
239
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,284
I hope it happens, man.
I really, really do.
240
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,910
-Like, I'm fuckin'…
-Thanks.
241
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,913
I'm rooting for you.
Like, positive energy from me to you.
242
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,916
It's completely unrealistic,
but still, from me to you.
243
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,168
-Yes.
-[audience laughing]
244
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,794
[Vir Das] I know
what it is to have that feeling,
245
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,880
you know, firsthand. That feeling of, er…
246
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,884
"I wanna go to America.
My life's gonna change."
247
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,260
"Everything's gonna be…"
248
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:41,724
I hope this kid makes it there
before this virus kills that feeling.
249
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,809
'Cause that feeling is important.
250
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:48,272
[chuckles] I was feeling
sorry for myself before the show.
251
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:51,859
This kid is going through that.
252
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:55,196
He just wants ice cream.
That's what he wants. Ice cream.
253
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,281
And I need to toughen the fuck up and…
254
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:00,159
keep doing this.
255
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,703
{\an8}-What's your name?
-Hillary.
256
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,081
-Hillary?
-[Hillary] Yeah, from Moscow.
257
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,167
Hillary from Moscow, really?
Oh, so… Oh, wow…
258
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,045
So you are Mr. Hillary Dsouza.
Good to see you, sir.
259
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,505
That's right. That's right.
260
00:11:12,588 --> 00:11:16,050
That was not the surname that
I was expecting when I heard "Hillary."
261
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,218
[all laughing]
262
00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,596
I'm gonna be very honest,
I thought of an unhappy wife. Er…
263
00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:23,682
Millennials, that's
a Hillary Clinton joke, never mind.
264
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,184
We'll get to it. It's the news.
265
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,811
-[indistinct chatter]
-It's fine. No, no, no…
266
00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,021
She didn't win.
She doesn't deserve your laughter.
267
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,982
[Hetika] Go attend
my dance class. Non-virtual.
268
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,402
Hetika. What's up, Hetika?
What kind of dance?
269
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:37,071
Erm, so I'm learning bhangra currently.
270
00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:39,115
Yo, lady. You don't have to learn bhangra.
271
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,200
-I don't think there's bhangra classes.
-[audience laughing]
272
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,869
There are.
A more formal way of it. But, yeah.
273
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:47,456
What happens in bhangra class?
Er, sastriyaakaal, welcome to… [laughs]
274
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,999
[Hetika] That. Just that and--
275
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,751
Welcome to bhangra class.
276
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,504
There are two buttons on ceiling.
Hit buttons.
277
00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,423
-I don't know what the…
-Absolutely.
278
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,926
For some reason,
Indians do bhangra to classic rock.
279
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,470
-I don't know if you've like--
-Oh, God. That's horrible.
280
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:05,015
They're like, "'November Rain,' bhenchod."
Like, you know… It's just…
281
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,267
[audience laughing]
282
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:08,727
I love it when we make
white people do bhangra,
283
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,772
'cause they're so happy
to be included, right?
284
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,065
They're just like…
285
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,775
"I think they forgave us."
286
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,193
[audience laughing]
287
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:19,905
{\an8}-[woman] Houston, Texas.
-Houston, Texas. What time is it there?
288
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,824
8:30 in the morning.
289
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:25,953
Jesus Christ! [laughs]
You're watching stand-up for breakfast?
290
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:27,121
Are you fuckin' serious?
291
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:32,084
I've never had a gig where somebody
eats poha in the middle of the gig.
292
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,377
That'd be fuckin' great.
293
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,838
Did you see Donald Trump today?
It was great.
294
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,508
He said, "You can
inject disinfectant into your body."
295
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,679
If you inject disinfectant into your body,
296
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:46,140
you don't have to worry
about the coronavirus.
297
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,266
You know what I'm saying?
298
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,729
Or even cleaning your house anymore.
You have other worries, like, you know…
299
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:56,150
Flowers, food, the size of the coffin,
you know. Other things that you need to…
300
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:59,653
to think about, man.
What a train wreck, your guy is.
301
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,697
But I'm really sorry.
302
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:05,826
But, I mean, at least you have, like, some
500 trillion dollars or whatever, right?
303
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,537
At least, you know…
At least Donald Trump's plan is not…
304
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,997
[imitates Trump] "Er, I want everyone
305
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,499
to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m."
306
00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,542
Like, at least that's not the plan.
307
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,503
[all laughing]
308
00:13:17,296 --> 00:13:19,256
Can you imagine
if that was Donald Trump's plan…
309
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,966
[imitates Trump]
"Er, we have the best balconies
310
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,010
and I want everybody to go to the balcony
311
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:24,845
at 8:00 p.m. and light a candle."
312
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,764
"We have the best candles in America."
313
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:28,891
"God bless America,
God bless American candles."
314
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,518
"Good night, we're all gonna die."
315
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,061
Like if that was… [laughs]
316
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:35,231
Er, what's the first thing
you're gonna do once the lockdown ends?
317
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,315
Somebody yell it out.
318
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:39,610
-[Ashish] Haircut.
-Ashish, you look all right, though.
319
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:40,903
-Like, it's…
-[Ashish] No, like…
320
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,989
If you look at my beard,
it's too much than what I have normally.
321
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,033
So, yeah. Beard and hair.
322
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,452
I mean, we're all
being polite right now, and
323
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:52,540
ignoring the fact that you need somebody
else to trim your beard. Which is…
324
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,667
[audience laughing]
325
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,753
Just the most privileged
fucking thing in the world.
326
00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:00,214
The thing is that
I actually used to do that--
327
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,716
"No, but Ramu does it so much better."
328
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,219
[audience laughing]
329
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:08,013
"Ramu gets in there,
where I don't want to go."
330
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,765
Barber… When I go to the barber--
331
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:12,268
Shut up. Don't explain
your privilege, own it.
332
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,436
[audience laughing]
333
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,022
It's either been, like,
close to two months
334
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,193
or 16 years since the lockdown began and…
335
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:25,364
We took a little bit
of a break from doing the shows
336
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,157
because I was going through…
337
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,536
some stuff. And now we are back.
338
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:34,498
People come and see a Vir Das show,
they come to forget about their shit.
339
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,458
They don't come to see mine.
340
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,379
So… put your shit away.
341
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,089
♪ Put your shit away… ♪
342
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:45,342
-[woman] So, it's 6:50 a.m. right now.
-6:50 in the morning.
343
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,720
You got up to see
a comedy show with your boyfriend?
344
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,306
-Oh, wow.
-So, marriage maybe after this?
345
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,851
[chuckles] Oh, my God.
Okay, it's too early for this.
346
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,146
"It's too early for this," as in
6:50 in the morning or in life?
347
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,939
What are we talking about exactly?
348
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,692
-Is it like… What's the problem? Is it…
-I should go.
349
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:04,153
[in Hindi] "I haven't graduated"
or "I haven't taken a dump"?
350
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,030
[in English] What is the actual problem?
351
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,700
-[man] Go back to Canada.
-Go back to Canada.
352
00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:11,285
-Aw…
-[audience laughing]
353
00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:13,829
{\an8}Me and my girlfriend,
she's on the call here.
354
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,290
We came here for our engagement ceremony.
355
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:19,376
And are you guys
at least together in India right now?
356
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,712
No. She's in Ahmedabad. I am in Baroda.
357
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,631
You flew from Canada…
358
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:24,924
[audience laughing]
359
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,219
…to India, to symbolically
and romantically be together.
360
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:34,350
And the minute you conducted a ceremony
that binds you together for life,
361
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:35,893
you fuckin' separated…
362
00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:36,977
[audience laughing]
363
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,520
… and went to different cities.
364
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:39,563
[man] To do the ceremony.
365
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,607
I feel like you deserve this predicament.
366
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:44,318
You're just making
bad choices in this relationship.
367
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:46,487
I don't think you understand
368
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:49,073
the delicate interplay
between romance and geography.
369
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:51,200
-Er…
-[audience laughing]
370
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,577
[Monika] Hug people.
371
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,955
Monika, you're gonna
go out and hug people?
372
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,207
I'm of the same opinion
as you. I feel like,
373
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:02,169
the second there's…
Forget a vaccine, I feel like, a cure,
374
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:05,089
we are just gonna be touching
the shit out of each other.
375
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,882
[all laughing]
376
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,719
In a non-creepy way.
377
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,889
Creepy is such
a relative thing. I am kidding.
378
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,391
[audience laughing]
379
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,186
I was thinking about that the other day.
380
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,189
If we get back to offices
with social distancing,
381
00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:25,651
that's gonna be terrible
for the "Me, Too" guys, right?
382
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:30,280
Where everybody is like six feet away.
Just a lonely M.J. Akbar in the office.
383
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,241
[audience laughing]
384
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,955
[imitates M.J. Akbar]
"You're sexy." Like, I don't know…
385
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:41,333
So, you know, every time
I do this piece to cams in my own…
386
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,170
private reality show
that nobody's watching, I, er…
387
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:47,923
I come off as a bit of a bitch.
388
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,343
Despite myself,
I'm looking forward to today's show.
389
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,637
One for you, Zoom.
390
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,181
First thing you're going to do
once the lockdown ends
391
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,058
and we're all
allowed outside. Yell it out.
392
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:02,438
{\an8}Ride my bike.
I mean, go riding, as in riding.
393
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,482
I never understand when guys
are like, "Dude, I rode my motorcycle."
394
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,651
No, you didn't.
It's not like you showed up
395
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,571
and your Harley was just there
running wild like… [huffs, snorts]
396
00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,823
And you're like, "Whoa, Harley, whoa."
397
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,075
-[snorts]
-[audience laughing]
398
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,953
And then your Harley Davidson
took off. You're like…
399
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,580
And you have to jump on to it.
400
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,457
Did I tell you, I almost bought a Harley?
401
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:25,794
Like, I almost… And then I realized,
"Oh, fuck, I'm actually not an alpha."
402
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:29,798
And I think the way that you know that
is the way my hands went like that.
403
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,676
You know, guys, I'm actually not an alpha.
404
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,554
Fuck this virus. Fuck the bat.
405
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,056
[man] Play football.
406
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,308
This isn't one of those fantasy things
407
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,478
where a lot of guys who can't play
football get into a room together--
408
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,521
No, no, no.
Play actual, physical football.
409
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,690
What's your position? What do you play?
410
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:48,317
I play right-winger.
411
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,028
You play right-winger? Cool.
I'm a left-winger myself. Erm…
412
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:52,821
[audience laughing]
413
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,117
We have different goals. You know.
414
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:01,997
I wanna score a goal,
you know, get a penalty.
415
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,416
You guys wanna
build a statue that nobody wants.
416
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,335
[audience laughing]
417
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,212
[Erika] I can go out all day.
418
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,880
You can go out all day? One second.
419
00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:11,340
What's up, Erika, where you from?
420
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,800
I am from Costa Rica.
421
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:15,052
You're from Costa Rica? Is there any, erm…
422
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:18,430
Are there COVID patients in Costa Rica?
Are there cases or not?
423
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:21,767
No, we can go out all day.
424
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,977
It's fine? Everything's cool?
425
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,772
Yes, everything's okay. Under control.
426
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,440
Okay, I know you're alone in the room,
427
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:31,068
but can you feel
the resentment from everybody else?
428
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,653
[audience laughing]
429
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,322
I can feel it.
430
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,492
International, guys.
431
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,077
[all laughing]
432
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,540
Yeah. Hey,
433
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:47,501
other Indian comedians,
do you have unemployed people
434
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,878
from COVID-free countries
as your families?
435
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:51,964
I think not.
436
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,298
[Shreya] Go on a cruise.
437
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,092
"Go on a cruise." Who the fuck said that?
438
00:18:57,344 --> 00:19:01,056
{\an8}Shreya, you have no fuckin' understanding
of how science works?
439
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,144
{\an8}Have you not read every news article ever…
440
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,230
{\an8}that has come out in the last…
441
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,357
{\an8}And where are you going in this cruise?
442
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,776
{\an8}I don't know. Just to…
443
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,570
"I just wanna be… I don't know."
444
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:18,782
{\an8}"I just wanna be stuck on a ship with
some people and a virus. That's my plan."
445
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,370
[boy] Gonna turn 16 tomorrow.
446
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,330
-You're 15 years old?
-Yes.
447
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,834
Buddy, don't take anything
I said seriously, all right?
448
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,544
[audience laughing]
449
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:35,007
Like, don't tell anyone
you were at this show, all right?
450
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,384
-Just…
-It's all confidential. Don't worry.
451
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,928
-Who bought the tickets?
-I did, myself.
452
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:43,015
-You have a debit card at 16?
-Yes.
453
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:46,393
Are you doing child porn on the side?
What the fuck is happening?
454
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:48,478
-Why do you have--
-No, not at all, sir.
455
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:50,355
I'm not insinuating
that you do child porn.
456
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,648
Usually, you get recognized.
457
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,610
Like somebody on
the Zoom call be like, "Yeah, are you…
458
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:55,611
[audience laughing]
459
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,237
…Chintu69?"
460
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:00,657
Er… Just a second. Just a second.
461
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,743
Is somebody knocking
on your door right now?
462
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,077
[man] Yes, yes, yes.
463
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,246
[all laughing]
464
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,125
Is that your mom,
or your girlfriend? Who is that?
465
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,543
It's my mom, actually.
466
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,254
I have to take care of my sister,
so she's calling me.
467
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:15,714
Buddy, go do your thing.
468
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,300
No, I'm not going to, actually.
I'm talking to you.
469
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,303
-How old is your sister?
-She's only five years old, actually.
470
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,055
She'll survive, five is enough.
471
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:24,556
[audience laughing]
472
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,643
That's fine. You don't need to
feed them or educate them. She'll be fine.
473
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,189
Fucker, go take care of your sister.
I'm not having, like, some, er…
474
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,567
child malnutrition
on my conscience, you know.
475
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,779
I've got enough. I did Mastizaade.
I feel guilty enough about my life.
476
00:20:38,862 --> 00:20:39,905
[woman] From Spain.
477
00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:42,407
From Spain?
Good Lord, hello. Nice to see you.
478
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,661
It looks like you're looking up
so you're watching me on a television?
479
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,496
Yes. Computer's broken.
480
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:50,123
All right, so then I'll try
and make this look like it should.
481
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:51,667
"Hello. How are you?" Er…
482
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,168
[audience laughing]
483
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,254
Is that helping you at all? Or not.
484
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,966
Are you scared,
are you nervous? Like, you know…
485
00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,551
Or are you just happy
to see the fuck out of each other?
486
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:07,224
It's weird. It's weird because, like,
er, Spanish are very sociable people.
487
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:09,643
So when you meet somebody, you just kiss.
488
00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,019
Well, on the cheek.
489
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:15,190
-[audience laughing]
-So, its… Social distance is…
490
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,317
We have a town called Delhi.
It's the same way,
491
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,529
but that's not, you know…
Not quite as consensual as you guys.
492
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,656
Yeah, that's what
happens in Delhi. [kisses]
493
00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:23,740
[in Hindi] Fuck off, motherfucker.
494
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:26,076
[in English] Madam,
I am being Spanish, okay? Spanish.
495
00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:28,996
Er, I'm in Ireland right now. I'm Indian,
496
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,623
but I am, at the moment, I'm in Ireland.
497
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:35,711
You know, I guessed you were
Indian from the, "Charu…" [mumbling]
498
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,504
[audience laughing]
499
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:40,882
So you're stuck in college?
500
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,719
-Well, I wouldn't call it "stuck."
-Okay.
501
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:48,515
Because we're still,
like, free to go outside on walks, like…
502
00:21:48,598 --> 00:21:52,519
Grocery shopping, and we can
go out cycling and stuff like that.
503
00:21:52,602 --> 00:21:54,438
So I wouldn't say, like, I'm stuck.
504
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,565
All the other Indians
are sitting there like…
505
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:58,150
[in Hindi] "Motherfucker. You fuckin'…"
506
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:02,112
[in English] She's in a Spanish village,
fuckin' drinking Prosecco.
507
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,573
This chick is chilling
and going out on her bicycle.
508
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:07,826
Er, I'm doing master's
in Biomedical Engineering.
509
00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:08,744
Do you believe that?
510
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,705
You believe we are headed
for a vaccine September, October types?
511
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:14,374
I highly doubt that,
just because the whole process
512
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,710
of actually getting a vaccine is so long.
513
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:20,422
You have to, like, sleep with
a Poonawalla, you know, it's tough, er…
514
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:21,548
[audience laughing]
515
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,259
Let me tell you,
that's an inside joke. All right, cool.
516
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,636
Just me? All right.
517
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,513
Today is our first show for London.
518
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:31,641
Er… Yay.
519
00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:34,144
Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond…
520
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:36,772
I'm never gonna get to go to London again.
521
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,357
-[woman] Go to the pub.
-Go to the pub? Okay.
522
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:40,942
And what's your pub drink?
523
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,487
What's the first thing…
What do you start the night with?
524
00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:44,696
Of course, a martini.
525
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,740
A martini.
Why is that "of course, a martini"?
526
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:51,244
Maybe you want a beer. Like, I don't know,
if like… I'm not from, er, London.
527
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,706
I don't know why I got
Indian when I said that shit.
528
00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:57,000
[in Indian accent]
I'm not from London, son.
529
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,086
No pubs for you.
530
00:22:59,169 --> 00:23:00,420
And give Kohinoor back.
531
00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:02,422
[audience laughing]
532
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:05,050
{\an8}Just got married in India on March 13th,
533
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,510
{\an8}the day the world went to shit.
534
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,762
{\an8}And we… Our marriage…
535
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:11,473
Nice. So you're having like
a fuckin' pandemic honeymoon.
536
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:12,390
This is great.
537
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:13,850
{\an8}[audience laughing]
538
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,604
{\an8}Is your kid gonna be…
Your kid has gotta be called Corona.
539
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:19,898
{\an8}That's just gotta be a thing that happens.
540
00:23:19,981 --> 00:23:22,150
Okay, it is, er…
541
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,571
7:00 a.m. on a Sunday and…
542
00:23:27,989 --> 00:23:30,450
I'm about to do stand-up comedy
for people in New York.
543
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,035
This is so fuckin' weird.
544
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,663
-[man] Get a haircut.
-Get a haircut.
545
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:38,708
There's a sardar on the…
Jaswin, I hope that's not you.
546
00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,585
That wasn't you. All right, cool.
547
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:42,254
[all laughing]
548
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:45,590
Jaswin's just sitting there like,
549
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,885
"When the lockdown is done,
I'm done with this Sikhism, I gotta say."
550
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:50,804
[audience laughing]
551
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,390
[Asmita] Get my eyebrows done.
552
00:23:53,473 --> 00:23:55,350
Get your eyebrows done.
553
00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:56,601
[audience laughing]
554
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,312
Same, girl. Need it.
555
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,522
Okay, admin, mute her.
556
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:03,900
I thought this would be good.
But fuck this, this is just a…
557
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:05,652
Okay. No, let's talk about this.
558
00:24:05,735 --> 00:24:08,405
Can you not do it yourself?
Like, is that not a…
559
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:13,076
Tweezing eyebrows is serious business.
You don't mess around with that.
560
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,538
Why? What's the worst case scenario?
You'd just look surprised by life.
561
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:18,373
[audience laughing]
562
00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:22,169
You're just like…
563
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,132
Your friends are like, "Wow, Asmita
really enjoyed that Starbucks."
564
00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,466
"You know what I mean?"
565
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,512
"I've been to Starbucks
with her every day for a decade,
566
00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:35,182
but she really
got into it today, I gotta say."
567
00:24:35,265 --> 00:24:36,349
In India, people are like…
568
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,268
[in Hindi] "I'm not getting any food…"
569
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:40,187
"Workers are migrating, this and that."
570
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:41,146
[in English] Here it's like,
571
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:44,232
"I can't get my eyebrows done,
and I can't drive my car."
572
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,485
You fuckin' privileged motherfuckers.
573
00:24:48,403 --> 00:24:49,821
{\an8}[woman] No, it was a hospital birth.
574
00:24:50,488 --> 00:24:53,074
Erm, but it was just really odd.
We didn't have…
575
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,368
Like, a nurse wouldn't
come to touch me or anything.
576
00:24:55,452 --> 00:24:58,038
So I just had to
pretty much have the baby alone.
577
00:24:58,121 --> 00:24:59,080
That's insane.
578
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:03,335
So like, for the first time in history,
the dad and the nurse have swapped.
579
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,588
-'Cause now the dad is doing all the work.
-[audience laughing]
580
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,925
And the nurse is just eight feet away
like, "You're doing great."
581
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,092
[audience laughing]
582
00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:13,845
The baby comes out,
looks at the dad, and the baby's like…
583
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:17,349
"Is he the doctor? Why is he crying?"
584
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:19,392
I heard a pretty good story
about the virus today.
585
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,561
[man 1] Bat ate a fruit.
586
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,731
{\an8}Dropped the fruit. A pig ate it.
587
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,358
{\an8}[audience laughing]
588
00:25:27,859 --> 00:25:30,445
{\an8}-The pig got, whatever, cut, slaughtered.
-Mmm-hmm.
589
00:25:30,528 --> 00:25:32,864
{\an8}Went to that Wuhan wet market or whatever.
590
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:33,782
{\an8}Okay.
591
00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:37,327
{\an8}Somebody bought the pig.
The chef took it to a hotel.
592
00:25:37,410 --> 00:25:38,245
{\an8}Okay.
593
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:42,165
{\an8}Somebody called him
to say, "Compliments to the chef,"
594
00:25:42,249 --> 00:25:44,709
{\an8}so he just wiped his hands,
went and shook hands with him.
595
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:46,920
Okay, so I just wanna say,
if this is true,
596
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:50,799
then you are a man of
average intelligence and good information.
597
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,133
[audience laughing]
598
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:56,137
But if you're fuckin' with me,
then you're a pure genius.
599
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,472
I just love the confidence.
600
00:25:57,555 --> 00:25:59,683
[imitates man 1]
"Bat. Ate the pig. Then the pig…"
601
00:25:59,766 --> 00:26:01,810
[man 2] I'm from India,
stuck in Singapore.
602
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:04,354
-Plan was to call my wife here.
-Okay.
603
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:07,357
But suddenly this pandemic thing,
stupid thing came in.
604
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,566
All right, cool.
605
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,319
I know, the virus is very stupid.
We're the smart ones.
606
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:13,113
[audience laughing]
607
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:19,119
It is day 9,562,
and the virus continues to endure.
608
00:26:19,202 --> 00:26:21,830
It is like Rocky, part 19.
609
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,915
-[flushing]
-Like, I promise you…
610
00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:26,042
Is somebody in the toilet?
I just heard a flush.
611
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:28,712
-Did you guys fuckin' hear that shit?
-[audience laughing]
612
00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,756
You fuckin' hear that shit?
613
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,883
[woman 1] Someone's in the toilet.
614
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:36,761
Someone is taking a dump
during my show and it's not me.
615
00:26:38,722 --> 00:26:41,057
[woman 2] This is epic. This is epic.
616
00:26:41,141 --> 00:26:45,729
♪ Me, ma, me, ma, me, ma, me ♪
617
00:26:45,812 --> 00:26:49,816
I'm in Madrid right now.
I, er, dance flamenco here in Spain.
618
00:26:49,899 --> 00:26:51,192
Ooh, nice.
619
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:54,487
So I'm just waiting
to put on the flamenco shoes.
620
00:26:54,571 --> 00:26:56,906
I think you can do
flamenco dancing socially distanced.
621
00:26:56,990 --> 00:27:00,327
Because flamenco's like a girl who does
that stuff and does the tap, tap, tap,
622
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,412
with her feet. And then two meters away
623
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,873
is just a guy with a guitar
looking at her hornily, right?
624
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,833
That's basically flamenco.
That's what that is.
625
00:27:06,916 --> 00:27:08,126
{\an8}Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
626
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:11,296
{\an8}He's like… [imitates guitar strumming]
That's it, that's the dance.
627
00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:12,797
{\an8}Yeah, lot of sexual tension.
628
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:15,967
He's like… [imitates guitar strumming]
She's like… [taps feet] "Stay away."
629
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:18,094
He's like, "But I love you…"
[imitates guitar strumming]
630
00:27:18,178 --> 00:27:20,055
"I can see it in your eyes
that you want me."
631
00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:22,182
She's like, "I will hide my eyes, then."
632
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:28,980
Tsk. So, two nights ago, er…
633
00:27:29,731 --> 00:27:32,317
{\an8}We begin with funny man Vir Das,
634
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,028
{\an8}whose neighbour
threatened to cough on him.
635
00:27:35,111 --> 00:27:38,823
Probably the craziest night
I've ever had in Mumbai. Er…
636
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:40,325
The older gentleman sneezed on me.
637
00:27:40,408 --> 00:27:42,786
Er, and we're okay. You know, we…
638
00:27:42,869 --> 00:27:44,788
We sorted it out. We're friends now.
639
00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:46,539
But I'm just gonna tell you the story.
640
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:51,044
[clicks tongue]
641
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,672
Sneezing on someone
is such a fuckin' intimate act, you know?
642
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:59,094
It requires, like, consent and proximity,
neither one of which I gave.
643
00:27:59,177 --> 00:28:00,595
[audience laughing]
644
00:28:01,679 --> 00:28:03,181
I wanted to…
645
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,351
He was like, "You'll be haunted,"
and I didn't respond to that.
646
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:07,811
'Cause I'm very scared of ghosts.
647
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:09,938
I've had, like,
a ghost experience in my life.
648
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,982
Like, it was in college where, er…
649
00:28:13,066 --> 00:28:17,904
[chuckles] I was… I was lying on my bed
and I felt somebody sit down on the bed.
650
00:28:17,987 --> 00:28:19,823
There was nobody else on the bed.
651
00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:24,119
And I knew there was a ghost in the room.
And then in my ear, I heard somebody go,
652
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:26,996
[hoarse whisper] "Do you have any ganja?"
653
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,623
[audience laughing]
654
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:32,293
And I was like, "What?"
655
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:35,422
And the ghost was like,
"Yeah, bro, you have any stash?"
656
00:28:37,424 --> 00:28:39,342
"There's no stash in heaven."
657
00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:41,970
And I was like,
"Why is there no stash in heaven?"
658
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:46,349
And he was like, "Think about it, bro.
Plants can't grow on clouds."
659
00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:47,892
[audience laughing]
660
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:51,396
And I never thought about that before.
661
00:28:51,479 --> 00:28:54,232
Plants can't grow on clouds.
Do you know what that means?
662
00:28:54,315 --> 00:28:56,359
There are no vegetarians in heaven.
663
00:28:56,943 --> 00:28:58,903
[audience laughing]
664
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,239
I think that's why
they call it heaven. Er…
665
00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,741
[audience laughing]
666
00:29:02,824 --> 00:29:04,993
And I called my lawyer
in the middle of the night
667
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:07,162
and she's like,
"This happened. Put it up."
668
00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:12,292
And now, every single
news outlet and Twitter outlet,
669
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:15,670
and we're on
the fuckin' TV, is carrying this.
670
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,508
And I'm positioning like I have
a sense of humour about it, right?
671
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,970
I have to get a fuckin' COVID test now.
672
00:29:24,053 --> 00:29:25,764
He pulled down his mask and he was like…
673
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:26,973
He was like… Achew!
674
00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:28,850
Like, that's what happened.
675
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:30,185
[audience laughing]
676
00:29:30,268 --> 00:29:33,605
It was really sweet. Like that was
the sneeze. He was like… Achew!
677
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:38,860
I feel like what happened was,
in his mind,
678
00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:40,737
he was like, "I'm gonna sneeze on him,"
679
00:29:40,820 --> 00:29:43,573
and his body was like,
"No, you're gonna cough on him."
680
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:44,699
[audience laughing]
681
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:46,117
And then it just got combined.
682
00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,869
Your body will do that sometimes.
683
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,662
You're like, "I'm gonna laugh,"
684
00:29:49,746 --> 00:29:53,041
and your body is like, "No, you're gonna
fart and shit your pants a little bit."
685
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,167
[audience laughing]
686
00:29:54,250 --> 00:29:56,586
And I'm a comic.
I know my job. I'm a comic.
687
00:29:56,669 --> 00:29:59,255
I will take this shit
and I will write jokes about it.
688
00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,674
Everybody said,
"Why didn't you hit the man?"
689
00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:06,554
And the only thing I can think of
is somewhere in my mind and in my body,
690
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,641
I was like,
"Don't do this. I have a future."
691
00:30:09,724 --> 00:30:12,811
I can't get cancelled right now.
I have a future.
692
00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,564
How do I even talk to a therapist
about this? They'd be like…
693
00:30:17,398 --> 00:30:19,984
"Yeah, I'm just gonna
refund this session because…
694
00:30:20,902 --> 00:30:25,031
they did not teach me this
at the University of… Bughtown."
695
00:30:26,574 --> 00:30:27,742
Bughtown?
696
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:31,454
It's such a pain in the ass
to be 40 years old
697
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:33,957
and now find out
that you're a fuckin' optimist.
698
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:35,416
[audience laughing]
699
00:30:38,044 --> 00:30:40,004
You know,
it's like finding out you're diabetic,
700
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,714
you know what I mean, it's like…
701
00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:44,634
"Oh, I have to change
my whole life now, man. Fuck!"
702
00:30:46,469 --> 00:30:49,347
"I have to give up stuff that I like,
sugar and self-pity."
703
00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,226
{\an8}[woman] No, no, but I'm American.
704
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:56,563
{\an8}An American who is in Delhi,
so I'm from outside of the country.
705
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,649
{\an8}Nice! Yeah, so how long
have you been a refugee?
706
00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:03,111
{\an8}[woman] Almost three years now.
707
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:05,655
{\an8}Almost three years.
And what's your line of work?
708
00:31:06,614 --> 00:31:08,575
{\an8}[woman] It's, erm, an adjustment.
709
00:31:08,658 --> 00:31:10,952
{\an8}I'm not okay
with the locusts coming our way.
710
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:12,245
{\an8}I'm not okay with that.
711
00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:15,290
{\an8}I can survive the heat,
I can survive the dust storms,
712
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:16,791
{\an8}I can survive the politics,
713
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:19,294
{\an8}but I draw the line at biblical plagues.
714
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:23,923
{\an8}Okay, cool. Like every American,
that was not the answer to my question,
715
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:26,050
-and too much information.
-[audience laughing]
716
00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:28,094
I had asked you
what your line of work was.
717
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:29,429
What do you do for a living?
718
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:30,930
{\an8}[woman] I am a travel agent.
719
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:33,683
{\an8}We actually got
4,000 American citizens out.
720
00:31:33,766 --> 00:31:36,269
{\an8}We arranged flights for each one of them.
721
00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:39,105
Well done! Give her a round of applause.
722
00:31:39,188 --> 00:31:41,232
That's well done to you.
That's great, you know?
723
00:31:41,316 --> 00:31:42,483
{\an8}[all clapping]
724
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:45,612
{\an8}You know, just taking them out of India,
where there are very few cases,
725
00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:47,322
and sending them to America.
726
00:31:47,405 --> 00:31:49,032
[audience laughing]
727
00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:52,827
[laughs] Good for you.
728
00:31:54,662 --> 00:31:57,832
Taking them from India
where hydroxychloroquine costs 20 rupees,
729
00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:59,208
to America…
730
00:32:00,752 --> 00:32:03,212
where the medical insurance
system is not flawed at all
731
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,090
to charge you 3,000%
of what the medicine actually costs.
732
00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,176
[woman] But I chose to stay.
733
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:09,552
-[man] Paris.
-[Vir Das] You're in Paris?
734
00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:12,013
How is the situation in Paris?
It's opening up, right?
735
00:32:12,096 --> 00:32:15,016
{\an8}There are no tourists and everywhere
is free, so it's a lot of fun.
736
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:19,479
Don't act like a fuckin' French person
and be all egocentric about this shit.
737
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:23,524
That you have a… To say shit like that,
you have to have a French accent.
738
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:26,653
[in French accent] "It is lovely,
there are no tourists, I can smoke and…"
739
00:32:27,862 --> 00:32:31,032
"I can have this existential misery
that is so typically French."
740
00:32:31,115 --> 00:32:32,158
[in normal voice] Like, that's…
741
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:34,202
{\an8}But you're like,
"No, there are no tourists,
742
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:37,830
{\an8}we're liking it very much,
Paris is beautiful." Like, it's that…
743
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:41,042
You're too friendly to pull off
French smugness, I'm sorry.
744
00:32:41,125 --> 00:32:44,087
[woman 1] I'm from Melbourne.
Kind of confused as to what I want to do.
745
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,713
Okay. I'm moving on. I can't hear you.
746
00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,632
I'm sorry.
We don't have this kind of time.
747
00:32:47,715 --> 00:32:49,217
A, these tickets don't cost enough
748
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,678
for me to get into therapy
with people and shit.
749
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:53,012
This is 4.99 for charity.
750
00:32:53,096 --> 00:32:56,808
-[woman 2] We're from Lagos.
-[Vir Das] You're in Nigeria right now?
751
00:32:56,891 --> 00:32:59,143
What time is it right now in Africa?
752
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:03,898
Those are two thumbs up,
but can you tell the time? [chuckles]
753
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:06,067
[all laughing]
754
00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:08,236
[woman 3] I'm an anthropologist.
All three of us are.
755
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:12,824
{\an8}Fuckin' hell! That is, like,
the weirdest threesome I've ever seen.
756
00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,076
{\an8}No. It's just a strange… I'm just saying…
757
00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:18,454
{\an8}that if the guy on the left
developed an alcohol problem,
758
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:21,624
{\an8}he'd become the guy on the right.
You know what I mean, it's…
759
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:25,169
Maybe I should just
do the show like this, haan?
760
00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:26,963
Hey, guys. Er…
761
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:30,299
Lockdown's going really well. [laughs]
762
00:33:30,383 --> 00:33:31,467
[inhales]
763
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:35,638
I will clean myself up.
I am gonna make some people laugh.
764
00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:36,556
[Sharique] Sheesha.
765
00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:38,057
[Vir Das] Sheesha is not available to you?
766
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:40,309
I'm staying with a kid, four months old.
767
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:41,561
I cannot bring that home.
768
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:43,521
And your kid does not like doing sheesha?
769
00:33:43,604 --> 00:33:44,814
[audience laughing]
770
00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:47,900
-Sheesha…
-[Sharique] Definitely not.
771
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:50,111
Sheesha is not
a good substitute for a mother's teat?
772
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:54,449
-[laughing]
-[Sharique] Definitely not.
773
00:33:56,075 --> 00:33:57,952
Listen, beta, we've got… [laughs]
774
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:02,582
Listen, beta,
we've got no lactose, but try this apple.
775
00:34:02,665 --> 00:34:03,666
[inhales deeply]
776
00:34:04,417 --> 00:34:08,254
{\an8}Cough freely without being conscious
that somebody's gonna judge you.
777
00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:11,007
{\an8}I work for an airline.
778
00:34:11,090 --> 00:34:12,884
{\an8}It's a good place to be coughing.
779
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:14,093
{\an8}[all laughing]
780
00:34:14,177 --> 00:34:17,096
{\an8}Are you cabin crew,
or do you work in, like, the offices?
781
00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:18,765
{\an8}-Er, the office.
-All right, great.
782
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:19,932
{\an8}Working from home.
783
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:21,809
Nice. Because you just
don't want cabin crew
784
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,895
like… [coughing] "Veg or non-veg,"
coming down the aisle.
785
00:34:23,978 --> 00:34:25,730
{\an8}[audience laughing]
786
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,149
[woman] I've come from China.
I need to go back.
787
00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:29,859
{\an8}So the first thing I need to do
788
00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:33,362
{\an8}is go to the airport,
take a flight and go back home.
789
00:34:33,446 --> 00:34:36,032
Okay. And when
did the mental problem start?
790
00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:37,658
{\an8}[audience laughing]
791
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:41,621
You're trying to get back into China?
792
00:34:41,704 --> 00:34:43,664
{\an8}They shut borders to the world, like…
793
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:45,958
{\an8}Wow, that's like all of their history.
794
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:47,210
{\an8}[audience laughing]
795
00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:50,588
Today is, er…
796
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:54,258
hmm, a bit of a crazy day. I, er…
797
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:58,262
I got featured in a magazine called Q.
798
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:00,473
Much of my idols were on there.
799
00:35:00,556 --> 00:35:03,476
Like Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres
800
00:35:03,559 --> 00:35:07,021
and Letterman
and Chappelle and Chris Rock, etc.
801
00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:09,732
I had like a small feature. And…
802
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,486
I was reading the bigger features
803
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:18,616
and I saw Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock
talking to each other in a café.
804
00:35:19,617 --> 00:35:23,204
And they… talked about me.
805
00:35:26,624 --> 00:35:28,668
As in, I came up.
806
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:31,546
It wasn't like
they got together… [chuckles]
807
00:35:32,213 --> 00:35:34,507
[imitates Chris Rock]
"Jerry, we got to talk about Vir."
808
00:35:34,590 --> 00:35:35,883
No. No, that's…
809
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:39,345
They're talking about
many things and I happen to come up.
810
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:41,556
Jerry Seinfeld told Chris Rock,
811
00:35:41,639 --> 00:35:44,308
erm, "I saw this Indian guy, Vir Das."
812
00:35:44,934 --> 00:35:47,645
"Saw some of his stuff.
He's a really funny guy."
813
00:35:51,899 --> 00:35:53,025
Across the world.
814
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:55,486
I'm sitting in…
815
00:35:57,530 --> 00:35:59,866
a 100 square-foot room in Bandra.
816
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:03,035
And… in a café in New York…
817
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,374
Jerry Seinfeld is
telling Chris Rock… that I'm funny.
818
00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:11,669
Vir actually turns, er, 36…
819
00:36:11,752 --> 00:36:13,880
-erm, on Sunday.
-No, fuck off, Kavi.
820
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,632
-I wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to him.
-No, don't do this shit.
821
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:18,759
Please don't do this shit.
It's embarrassing.
822
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:20,761
One, two, three.
823
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:25,224
[all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
824
00:36:25,308 --> 00:36:29,645
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
825
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:31,564
It's my birthday tomorrow.
826
00:36:31,647 --> 00:36:33,107
[indistinct singing]
827
00:36:33,733 --> 00:36:34,817
In this moment…
828
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:38,196
I feel eight years old.
829
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,615
Isha Paliwal,
is this your lovely baby in the frame?
830
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,742
No, I'm her aunt.
831
00:36:42,825 --> 00:36:44,493
Okay, great. That's somebody else's baby
832
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,121
that you have
put on camera without their consent.
833
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,956
[all laughing]
834
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:50,875
She's just your youngest fan.
835
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:52,376
[woman] Aw…
836
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:53,294
I…
837
00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:55,630
How am I supposed
to communicate with the baby?
838
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,757
What do you think
is gonna happen right now?
839
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,551
Oh, well, she can reply, "Hmm, hmm, hmm…"
840
00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:03,054
Great, er…
841
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:04,388
[audience laughing]
842
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:08,893
Hello, baby.
843
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:17,026
Thank you, baby,
for watching this Zoom call.
844
00:37:18,986 --> 00:37:22,698
And I apologize, baby,
for the pandemic that is out there
845
00:37:22,782 --> 00:37:25,993
even though you don't
fuckin' know what a pandemic is.
846
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,495
[audience laughing]
847
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:31,874
It's not working, Isha.
I tried, all right? Fuckin' hell. This…
848
00:37:31,958 --> 00:37:34,961
Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no. I'm very sorry.
849
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:38,256
Like, I'm really good on feedback
and trying to improve my craft,
850
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:40,591
but this fuckin' baby
is a bad audience member.
851
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,343
All right. That's what I'm gonna say.
852
00:37:42,426 --> 00:37:44,095
This baby is a terrible audience member
853
00:37:44,178 --> 00:37:46,264
and does not belong
at a stand-up comedy show.
854
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:49,308
-[Yuvan] London.
-You're in London right now?
855
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,726
This is your lovely friend, or…
856
00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:53,271
This is my lovely friend.
Her name's Emily.
857
00:37:53,354 --> 00:37:55,773
-Emily, you guys are seeing each other?
-Absolutely.
858
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:57,942
Great, and, er, marriage on the cards?
859
00:37:58,025 --> 00:37:59,235
Oh, gosh, no.
860
00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:01,279
-Oh…
-[all laughing]
861
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,283
I've never had a breakup on Zoom before.
862
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:07,994
I think this might be
my first, guys. This is great.
863
00:38:08,077 --> 00:38:10,871
"Oh, fuck, no."
He couldn't control it, you know?
864
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:13,165
Emily, you like this Indian man, yeah?
865
00:38:13,249 --> 00:38:14,917
Well, not right now, no.
866
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:16,419
[all laughing]
867
00:38:19,547 --> 00:38:23,050
Oh, Yuvan, enjoy the other bedroom
and/or sofa tonight.
868
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:27,930
So every time I do a show,
er, when you open the door,
869
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:30,349
I'm gonna show you what happens. Er…
870
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,811
First thing when you open the door.
You ready? Hang on.
871
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:35,563
Let me put this viewfinder…
872
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,649
This is the door to my study.
873
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,193
Every time you open that door…
874
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:44,238
what you see… [chuckles]
875
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:47,116
is the one audience member
who has watched…
876
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:49,160
many, many shows.
877
00:38:49,243 --> 00:38:52,163
Which one of you is Smarnika, because if…
878
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:54,040
{\an8}-This one.
-I said that.
879
00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,417
Because if the three of you are Smarnika,
880
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,461
then it's like one of those
OSHO ashram things,
881
00:38:58,544 --> 00:39:00,629
{\an8}you know what I mean? Like you are…
882
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:02,631
{\an8}"All women are Smarnika."
883
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:04,008
{\an8}[all laughing]
884
00:39:04,091 --> 00:39:06,844
{\an8}"You must find your inner Smarnika."
885
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,348
"Release your Smarnika." Oh.
886
00:39:10,431 --> 00:39:12,308
{\an8}[audience laughing]
887
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:16,437
It's so strange that, you know,
the western sexual revolution
888
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,607
throughout history
has been driven by Indian men
889
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:22,777
{\an8}who, back home, nobody
wanted to fuck in the first place.
890
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:26,739
-[woman] I'm in Bombay.
-You're in Bombay.
891
00:39:26,822 --> 00:39:28,908
I wanna have Thai food
so I'll go to Nara Thai.
892
00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:30,368
Like, they fry the betel leaf
893
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:33,788
and then there's this
chutney type thing that comes along
894
00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:35,206
which is amazing.
895
00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:36,207
[laughs]
896
00:39:36,290 --> 00:39:40,169
What the… Okay, I'm not gonna pretend
to know. What the fuck is a betel leaf?
897
00:39:40,252 --> 00:39:42,380
[man] Paan ka patta.
898
00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:44,757
[in Hindi] You should've said that.
"Woman from Thane."
899
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,509
[all laughing]
900
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:49,136
[in English] "I'll have
a betel leaf." [laughs]
901
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:50,554
[all laughing]
902
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,015
Paan patta. Paan.
903
00:39:53,099 --> 00:39:54,975
[audience laughing]
904
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:57,228
[in Hindi] Say, "Paan," not betel leaf.
905
00:39:57,311 --> 00:39:58,854
[in English] I love it, man.
906
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:04,151
I feel… Betel leaf sounds like a safe word
during sex, you know what I mean?
907
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:05,736
[audience laughing]
908
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:08,239
You know,
couples have safe words, you know?
909
00:40:08,322 --> 00:40:10,366
I feel like,
she sticks a finger up your ass,
910
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:12,493
you'll be like, "Betel leaf, betel leaf."
911
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,994
[audience laughing]
912
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,080
And when she doesn't get it, you're like,
913
00:40:16,163 --> 00:40:18,666
"Paan ka patta,
paan ka patta. Pull it out."
914
00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:20,418
[audience laughing]
915
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:22,086
Last show.
916
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:25,297
I am, er…
917
00:40:27,049 --> 00:40:28,259
leaving tomorrow.
918
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:31,887
-[man] Live the same way.
-Er, Malhar Broker?
919
00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:35,141
-Yeah.
-Okay, is your last name "Broker"?
920
00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:38,477
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
-Are you a broker?
921
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:39,687
Er, no.
922
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:42,398
No, of course, yeah,
why would you be? That's, yeah…
923
00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:46,902
Cool. No, my last name is Das
and I'm not a servant. It's okay.
924
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:48,571
[audience laughing]
925
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:51,365
All right. Malhar, what do you do?
926
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,617
I'm a baker now.
927
00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:55,703
[Vir Das laughing]
928
00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:59,206
-You're called Broker Baker? Broker…
-[audience laughing]
929
00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:00,833
[Malhar] Nice name.
930
00:41:00,916 --> 00:41:02,126
Broker Baker.
931
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:05,379
You're just gonna go out
and bake more bread for the city of…
932
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,173
-Mumbai?
-Ahmedabad.
933
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:11,969
Of Ahmedabad?
You're… You're in a bakery in Gujarat?
934
00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:13,429
Yeah.
935
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:14,722
[audience laughing]
936
00:41:18,392 --> 00:41:21,896
I don't think I have to say it.
But I think you know what I'm thinking of.
937
00:41:21,979 --> 00:41:23,314
[all laughing]
938
00:41:23,397 --> 00:41:25,983
I'm just gonna move on
really, really quickly.
939
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:29,778
[man] I don't know how to go to settings,
to get out of privacy thing.
940
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:31,405
[all laughing]
941
00:41:31,947 --> 00:41:35,659
Er, so, Uncle, what you do is,
you go to the top right.
942
00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:38,537
I can't believe… Ishaan, why do
I have to explain technology
943
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:40,206
to your fuckin' parents, dude?
944
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:41,582
[audience laughing]
945
00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:44,084
Dad, it's on the top right.
946
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:47,505
"Dad, it's on the top right."
947
00:41:47,588 --> 00:41:51,926
[man] Son, I did that.
I just switched in the start window.
948
00:41:52,009 --> 00:41:54,220
Ishaan, he did that shit.
949
00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:55,888
[all laughing]
950
00:41:55,971 --> 00:41:57,473
[man] This sounds complex.
951
00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:58,641
It's very complex.
952
00:41:58,724 --> 00:42:00,893
Ishaan, you should've
trained your parents better.
953
00:42:00,976 --> 00:42:03,479
-I'm just saying, all right?
-I know, I know.
954
00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:06,899
-[Vir Das] What did your mom want?
-[Aneyant] She wanted to watch it, too.
955
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:09,151
Of course she's welcome
to watch it, don't be silly.
956
00:42:09,235 --> 00:42:12,696
If she wants to sit down and… yeah. Er…
957
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:15,407
Why am I trying to peek
like I can see through your…
958
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,034
[all laughing]
959
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:19,036
Hi, Aunty. Why am I bending again?
960
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:26,627
Good evening. Your son
is learning a lot in this show. Er…
961
00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,839
Aunty, do you know about the girlfriend?
962
00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:34,343
Yeah, I… I have some, erm…
963
00:42:34,426 --> 00:42:35,553
You know.
964
00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:37,263
[all laughing]
965
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,933
This is gonna be
a silent fuckin' dinner at home, right?
966
00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:44,812
"You embarrassed the shit outta me, Mom.
In front of that old-ass comedian."
967
00:42:44,895 --> 00:42:45,729
[audience laughing]
968
00:42:45,813 --> 00:42:48,482
He's a sweet kid. He was.
969
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:50,568
[Vir Das] Cole. Nicole, er… Shiflet?
970
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,278
Hey, I'm a healthcare worker.
971
00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:54,905
You're a healthcare worker?
Round of applause, immediately.
972
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:56,907
Let's do it, come on, guys. Well done.
973
00:42:59,326 --> 00:43:01,954
So is Dr. Sujay Jaju with us this evening?
974
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,289
-Yes.
-Are you here, sir?
975
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:05,249
You know,
I say that in public all the time,
976
00:43:05,332 --> 00:43:08,294
just to get a round of applause.
That's what I do.
977
00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:09,670
You're isolated in Mumbai
978
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:12,298
and you're watching my show
as you're isolated in Mumbai.
979
00:43:12,381 --> 00:43:13,841
[Sujay] Yes, I am.
980
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:16,594
Er, and so, this is your day off?
981
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:19,138
-It is. I'm a night shifter.
-You're a night shifter.
982
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,390
I work in the emergency department.
I'm a paramedic.
983
00:43:21,473 --> 00:43:24,852
How are you feeling?
I'll begin by asking, how's your health?
984
00:43:24,935 --> 00:43:26,353
Er, it's improving each day.
985
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:30,316
Like, I had a bit of fever and also stuff…
COVID-related complex…
986
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:32,610
But I am doing great. Yeah.
987
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:34,862
You're a paramedic in the ER?
988
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:39,867
God, so you've had a long,
I imagine, three months, right?
989
00:43:39,950 --> 00:43:42,911
-Yeah. For sure.
-And I imagine you've seen some stuff.
990
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:45,289
Do you know how you got it?
Where you got it?
991
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:47,875
[Sujay] Er, actually,
I was posted in COVID duty.
992
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:51,086
I was posted in
medicine merge for over a month.
993
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,673
So, I might have contracted,
er, the infection over there.
994
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:57,468
But I know that I'll come back stronger.
995
00:43:57,551 --> 00:44:00,054
Sir, I promise you two things, all right?
996
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:03,682
Well, tonight's show
is entirely dedicated to you.
997
00:44:03,766 --> 00:44:06,352
You have my word as an artist
that I will make sure it reaches
998
00:44:06,435 --> 00:44:08,687
the maximum amount of people
that I can make it reach.
999
00:44:09,647 --> 00:44:13,067
It is your day off
and I'm gonna give every
1000
00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,779
ounce of my being to make sure
that you have a good day today.
1001
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:19,490
Yeah, it's definitely
not as scary as we think.
1002
00:44:19,573 --> 00:44:23,869
Actually, it's been made
a lot, er, scarier by the people.
1003
00:44:23,952 --> 00:44:26,288
-We all know the basics of this thing.
-[Sujay] Yeah.
1004
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:28,832
Wash your hands,
don't touch your face, touch your balls.
1005
00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,459
-Exactly.
-We all know the…
1006
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:31,543
[audience laughing]
1007
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:33,087
Obviously.
1008
00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:34,254
[audience laughing]
1009
00:44:34,838 --> 00:44:37,800
You're in isolation.
You understand as well, Doctor.
1010
00:44:37,883 --> 00:44:39,134
[Sujay] Yeah.
1011
00:44:39,218 --> 00:44:40,761
Thank you for everything you're doing.
1012
00:44:40,844 --> 00:44:42,179
Don't be silly.
1013
00:44:42,262 --> 00:44:45,015
Look, the entire show is in Hindi. Erm…
1014
00:44:45,099 --> 00:44:46,725
[audience laughing]
1015
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:50,896
I, erm…
1016
00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:53,399
Erm…
1017
00:44:55,192 --> 00:44:58,487
Twelve years now, and it takes a lot
to surprise me in this profession.
1018
00:45:00,739 --> 00:45:03,242
We started doing
these shows because we had to.
1019
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:06,120
For charity. And it was important and…
1020
00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:07,955
I was a little bit cranky about it
1021
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:10,332
because I was like,
"I don't know if this'll work."
1022
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,838
For the first time,
I'm looking into my audience's houses.
1023
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,799
That's a very weird thing
to happen as an artist,
1024
00:45:18,882 --> 00:45:22,928
you know, where the soundtrack
to my life has been laughter.
1025
00:45:23,470 --> 00:45:25,055
Every evening, I hear laughter.
1026
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:32,604
And I never thought that I would hear
this much laughter in a lockdown.
1027
00:45:33,647 --> 00:45:37,693
For the first time,
I can see you, and your life.
1028
00:45:37,776 --> 00:45:40,571
As opposed to you
just coming and seeing me.
1029
00:45:41,155 --> 00:45:42,197
From…
1030
00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:44,491
everywhere in the world.
1031
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,243
So I… I thank you.
1032
00:45:46,326 --> 00:45:49,538
Because, erm… So it's really strange.
1033
00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:54,126
I've been performing for you over
a decade, but it's like we've just met.
1034
00:45:55,085 --> 00:45:57,796
You know, this show is for charity
and we've raised money,
1035
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,507
and I hope you've had
a good time as well, but…
1036
00:46:00,591 --> 00:46:02,926
it is deeply…
1037
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:05,846
meaningful to me,
1038
00:46:05,929 --> 00:46:09,308
to be able to practice
my art form in this.
1039
00:46:09,391 --> 00:46:11,977
You know, it's not when
there's a cure, it's when…
1040
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:17,441
It's when you no longer fear death,
I, as an artist, get to live again.
1041
00:46:17,524 --> 00:46:20,027
And that's very ironic. To wait on that.
1042
00:46:20,777 --> 00:46:22,154
And not drown.
1043
00:46:23,530 --> 00:46:24,531
Or get rusty.
1044
00:46:26,533 --> 00:46:29,286
And the fact that we have
a healthcare worker today, I…
1045
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:33,624
I don't think that this could be
more perfect to wrap it up, because…
1046
00:46:35,083 --> 00:46:37,002
This is my last show.
1047
00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:40,130
Erm…
1048
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:44,051
It's true.
'Cause we leave Bombay tomorrow.
1049
00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:51,350
I should… I should
show you the room. Why the fuck not?
1050
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:58,398
This is where I've lived for the last few…
1051
00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:01,235
That's the desk. Erm…
1052
00:47:02,653 --> 00:47:05,322
It's kind of a wall with all my posters.
1053
00:47:07,991 --> 00:47:10,619
That's my books and my hats.
1054
00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,209
And tomorrow…
1055
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:21,630
I hope the universe pays you
and every healthcare worker
1056
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:24,466
tenfold, ten thousand fold.
1057
00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:26,677
And thank you for everything that you do.
1058
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:30,138
And thank you so much
for watching the show tonight, guys.
1059
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:31,807
I hope you had a good time.
1060
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:33,517
[soft guitar music playing]
1061
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:35,811
Bye.
1062
00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:49,324
[Vir Das] Whatever it is that you want
to do when the new world reopens,
1063
00:47:49,408 --> 00:47:52,744
I hope you get to do it.
And I hope you're safe.
1064
00:47:53,870 --> 00:47:57,249
In case you were wondering what we did
the second the world reopened…
1065
00:47:58,292 --> 00:47:59,334
Well…
1066
00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:02,337
[upbeat music playing]