WEBVTT FILE
1
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:12.887 --> 00:00:15.223
[soft piano music playing]
4
00:00:18.143 --> 00:00:20.645
[Vir Das] What you're about to watch
wasn't supposed to happen.
5
00:00:21.521 --> 00:00:23.148
It's completely unscripted.
6
00:00:23.231 --> 00:00:25.567
It was totally unplanned. It's just…
7
00:00:25.650 --> 00:00:27.026
a moment in time.
8
00:00:27.110 --> 00:00:30.321
When the world shut down,
we decided to do 30 shows for charity,
9
00:00:30.405 --> 00:00:32.282
just to raise money for COVID relief.
10
00:00:32.365 --> 00:00:34.868
And every night,
I'd ask people the same question.
11
00:00:34.951 --> 00:00:37.537 line:5%
What's the first thing
you're gonna do, the first thing,
12
00:00:37.620 --> 00:00:39.497 line:5%
when this world reopens?
13
00:00:40.665 --> 00:00:42.417
Welcome to lockdown day.
14
00:00:45.795 --> 00:00:47.213
I don't know what day it is.
15
00:00:47.297 --> 00:00:49.257
That's the thing about the entire world
16
00:00:49.340 --> 00:00:51.301
going through
the same thing at the same time.
17
00:00:51.384 --> 00:00:52.469
I guess it's special.
18
00:00:57.974 --> 00:01:00.477
All right. What's up!
What's up, everyone? Hello!
19
00:01:02.812 --> 00:01:05.940
Good evening,
and welcome to what promises to be
20
00:01:06.024 --> 00:01:07.734
the strangest stand-up comedy gig
21
00:01:07.817 --> 00:01:09.736
that you and I have both
ever been a part of.
22
00:01:10.570 --> 00:01:11.863
If you're not using earphones,
23
00:01:11.946 --> 00:01:15.158
what I ask is that you get as close
to the device as you possibly can
24
00:01:15.241 --> 00:01:17.160
so that I can hear you laugh.
25
00:01:17.243 --> 00:01:18.703
Because if I cannot hear you laugh,
26
00:01:18.787 --> 00:01:20.622
then it's just me in a room
talking to myself,
27
00:01:20.705 --> 00:01:21.915
worried that I'm going to die.
28
00:01:24.542 --> 00:01:26.377
We'll begin with
India's official unity mantra
29
00:01:26.461 --> 00:01:28.797
against the coronavirus.
On the count of three,
30
00:01:28.880 --> 00:01:31.841
everybody here will say,
"Go, corona, go, corona, go, corona, go."
31
00:01:31.925 --> 00:01:34.260
All right. Three, two, one… Go!
32
00:01:34.344 --> 00:01:38.431
[audience] Go, corona,
go, corona, go, corona, go.
33
00:01:38.515 --> 00:01:41.017
I'm not sure how this is going to go.
34
00:01:41.100 --> 00:01:44.938
Zoom shows, the future of stand-up…
35
00:01:46.064 --> 00:01:47.357
or the prelude to the death.
36
00:01:47.440 --> 00:01:50.485
What's the first thing
you're going to do once the lockdown ends?
37
00:01:50.568 --> 00:01:52.695
-Where's the girlfriend?
-Santacruz.
38
00:01:52.779 --> 00:01:55.824
You look very young. You look like
you've just read Harry Potter.
39
00:01:55.907 --> 00:01:57.075
[audience laughing]
40
00:01:57.158 --> 00:01:59.828
Like you've just finished
the last page of Deathly Hallows.
41
00:01:59.911 --> 00:02:00.787
How old are you?
42
00:02:01.538 --> 00:02:02.455
Seventeen.
43
00:02:02.539 --> 00:02:04.582
How long has it been
since you saw the girlfriend?
44
00:02:04.666 --> 00:02:05.583
Two months.
45
00:02:05.667 --> 00:02:07.919
Two months!
That's like, way before the virus.
46
00:02:08.002 --> 00:02:10.046
I think she might've
left you, buddy, like…
47
00:02:10.130 --> 00:02:11.047
Just saying.
48
00:02:11.131 --> 00:02:13.258
-That's before the lockdown.
-[audience laughing]
49
00:02:13.341 --> 00:02:16.719
She attended your show, er,
two days ago on the 15th.
50
00:02:16.803 --> 00:02:19.222
So I got a recommendation
from your girlfriend.
51
00:02:19.305 --> 00:02:20.765
That sounds wrong. No, no…
52
00:02:20.849 --> 00:02:21.975
[audience laughing]
53
00:02:22.058 --> 00:02:24.352
Comedically, fuck you,
you tharki people, all right?
54
00:02:24.435 --> 00:02:27.230
I do not interact with
17-year-old girls ever,
55
00:02:27.313 --> 00:02:29.107
on policy, under any circumstances.
56
00:02:29.190 --> 00:02:30.567 line:5%
[Sargam] Celebrate my birthday.
57
00:02:30.650 --> 00:02:32.610
Sargam, where are you joining us from?
58
00:02:32.694 --> 00:02:33.695
[Sargam] Chicago.
59
00:02:33.778 --> 00:02:36.156
Chicago? Jesus!
What time is it there, darling?
60
00:02:36.990 --> 00:02:39.659
[Sargam] Oh, it's morning time. It's 9:34.
61
00:02:39.742 --> 00:02:41.995
9:34… I mean, where the fuck
do you have to be, right?
62
00:02:42.078 --> 00:02:44.122
-So, that's great.
-[audience laughing]
63
00:02:44.205 --> 00:02:45.874
Americans, you wake up really early.
64
00:02:45.957 --> 00:02:47.917
They get to work
by 8 o'clock over there, right?
65
00:02:48.001 --> 00:02:49.836
That's how they're
the most powerful country… Er…
66
00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:52.589
Were the most powerful country
in the world. Er…
67
00:02:52.672 --> 00:02:53.506
Before…
68
00:02:54.340 --> 00:02:55.967
Before somebody ate a bat…
69
00:02:56.050 --> 00:02:57.594
[all laughing]
70
00:02:58.553 --> 00:03:00.096
…and crashed your economy.
71
00:03:01.222 --> 00:03:03.141
A bat fucked your country.
72
00:03:03.224 --> 00:03:05.810
Your whole country from across the world.
73
00:03:05.894 --> 00:03:07.979
And you thought a butterfly
had a big effect.
74
00:03:08.062 --> 00:03:09.314
[laughing]
75
00:03:09.397 --> 00:03:11.357
That's the toughest thing
about this virus.
76
00:03:11.441 --> 00:03:13.151
It's like we don't know who to blame.
77
00:03:13.234 --> 00:03:15.194
'Cause that's like
the hallmark of being Indian,
78
00:03:15.278 --> 00:03:17.906
is before you solve a problem,
you blame it on somebody else.
79
00:03:17.989 --> 00:03:19.449
And this is new territory for us.
80
00:03:19.532 --> 00:03:23.912
This is the first thing
we've experienced in the last 73 years
81
00:03:23.995 --> 00:03:25.496
that is not Pakistan's fault.
82
00:03:25.580 --> 00:03:26.706
[audience laughing]
83
00:03:26.789 --> 00:03:29.709
We are not used to things
not being Pakistan's fault.
84
00:03:29.792 --> 00:03:32.170
Now, all our politicians
are on TV in masks.
85
00:03:32.837 --> 00:03:36.507
It's great. It's great to see
conservative Hindu leaders
86
00:03:36.591 --> 00:03:39.510
dressing up exactly
like the Muslim women they oppress.
87
00:03:39.594 --> 00:03:40.553
[audience laughing]
88
00:03:40.637 --> 00:03:43.973 line:5%
We're allowed to meet
one person from outside your family,
89
00:03:44.057 --> 00:03:46.142 line:5%
out in a park, with two-meter distance.
90
00:03:46.226 --> 00:03:48.603
[all laughing]
91
00:03:48.686 --> 00:03:51.814
Who are you utilizing this rule for?
Who's that person you're meeting?
92
00:03:51.898 --> 00:03:54.025 line:5%
-That's my girlfriend.
-Your girlfriend?
93
00:03:54.108 --> 00:03:55.902 line:5%
[all laughing]
94
00:03:55.985 --> 00:03:58.196
And when you…
When you meet your girlfriend,
95
00:03:58.279 --> 00:04:00.114
your steady girlfriend,
96
00:04:00.198 --> 00:04:03.660
after six weeks… in a park… er…
97
00:04:06.037 --> 00:04:08.623 line:5%
you intend to socially distance?
98
00:04:09.582 --> 00:04:13.253 line:5%
I highly doubt that. That's why I am not
gonna meet her until the lockdown is over.
99
00:04:13.336 --> 00:04:16.172
Can you ima…
Like, I'm just picturing two people
100
00:04:16.256 --> 00:04:19.801
who are desperate and horny,
standing two meters away from each other.
101
00:04:21.094 --> 00:04:24.681
And his girlfriend just going, "Man,
I wish your dick was bigger right now,
102
00:04:24.764 --> 00:04:25.723 line:5%
I really do."
103
00:04:26.516 --> 00:04:28.393 line:5%
"That would be so much more useful."
104
00:04:28.977 --> 00:04:31.396 line:5%
Eat food from my favourite place.
105
00:04:31.479 --> 00:04:34.232
"Eat food."
Okay, great. So, Srushti Shah, er…
106
00:04:34.315 --> 00:04:37.360
You know, I'm glad
you completed the sentence.
107
00:04:37.443 --> 00:04:39.570
You know what I mean?
Where you were like, "Eat food,"
108
00:04:39.654 --> 00:04:41.114
and we all got worried about you.
109
00:04:41.197 --> 00:04:43.616
And then you were like,
"No, from my favourite place."
110
00:04:43.700 --> 00:04:45.660 line:5%
We were like,
"She's privileged. It's fine."
111
00:04:45.743 --> 00:04:47.412 line:5%
We all got it then. It is okay.
112
00:04:47.495 --> 00:04:48.538 line:5%
Yo, what are you studying?
113
00:04:48.621 --> 00:04:49.706 line:5%
Fashion design.
114
00:04:49.789 --> 00:04:52.208
Fashion design. Okay, cool.
We'll pretend that's a course.
115
00:04:53.459 --> 00:04:55.336
No, I'm joking. I'm joking.
116
00:04:55.420 --> 00:04:57.046
-In Gandhinagar?
-Yeah.
117
00:04:57.130 --> 00:05:00.425
Good. You know,
Gandhiji was known for great fashion. Er…
118
00:05:00.508 --> 00:05:02.969
[audience laughing]
119
00:05:03.052 --> 00:05:06.889
He had that one outfit
that was really popular, you know.
120
00:05:06.973 --> 00:05:10.268
And he designed it himself,
and, you know, it's…
121
00:05:10.351 --> 00:05:12.770
Okay. Did you hear
that uncomfortable silence, Srushti?
122
00:05:13.354 --> 00:05:15.023
On the Zoom call.
123
00:05:15.106 --> 00:05:15.940
All right. Cool. Erm…
124
00:05:16.024 --> 00:05:17.942 line:5%
-I love Asian food.
-Okay.
125
00:05:18.026 --> 00:05:19.527 line:5%
The place is called TG's.
126
00:05:19.610 --> 00:05:21.779 line:5%
That's the first place I'm going for.
127
00:05:21.863 --> 00:05:23.573 line:5%
You're eating dal-sabzi and all at home?
128
00:05:23.656 --> 00:05:25.533 line:5%
-Haan.
-You know that's Asian food.
129
00:05:25.616 --> 00:05:27.702
[audience laughing]
130
00:05:27.785 --> 00:05:29.078
Oriental food.
131
00:05:29.162 --> 00:05:31.331
I'm just putting it out there, like… Cool.
132
00:05:32.165 --> 00:05:35.877
You realize we're not in Scotland
right now. Technically, this is… [laughs]
133
00:05:35.960 --> 00:05:40.798
I may be in a place
that the virus came from, normally.
134
00:05:40.882 --> 00:05:43.801
You live… You're from Wuhan, really?
135
00:05:43.885 --> 00:05:45.219
No, no, no.
136
00:05:45.303 --> 00:05:47.221
Are you patient zero? You brought it over?
137
00:05:47.305 --> 00:05:49.724
Normally, I live and I work in China.
138
00:05:49.807 --> 00:05:53.352
I do think that it's a lot worse
than maybe what they've let on.
139
00:05:53.436 --> 00:05:56.481
No. I mean, China is just like,
"No, that's not a body, that's a…"
140
00:05:56.564 --> 00:05:57.815
"He's just sleeping," right?
141
00:05:57.899 --> 00:05:59.817
That's basically all China's been doing.
142
00:05:59.901 --> 00:06:01.819
"We've absolutely no new cases."
[imitates gunshots]
143
00:06:01.903 --> 00:06:04.781
-[Upasna] Graduate.
-Upasna, graduate in what?
144
00:06:04.864 --> 00:06:06.991
Architecture from Manipal University.
145
00:06:07.075 --> 00:06:09.660
Architecture from Manipal University,
which is half real.
146
00:06:09.744 --> 00:06:11.662
Let's be honest, all right.
147
00:06:11.746 --> 00:06:13.414
[audience laughing]
148
00:06:13.498 --> 00:06:16.626
The field of architecture is real,
but Manipal University means,
149
00:06:16.709 --> 00:06:18.753
"Papa gave 20 lakhs
in a suitcase to somebody."
150
00:06:18.836 --> 00:06:21.005
That's basically what that shit is, right?
151
00:06:21.089 --> 00:06:23.341
There are places in Gandhinagar
where you can go.
152
00:06:23.424 --> 00:06:25.510
NIFT, Gandhinagar.
153
00:06:25.593 --> 00:06:27.929
NIFT, Gandhinagar, cool. There's… Er…
154
00:06:28.012 --> 00:06:30.264
The National Institute
of Fashion Technology, right?
155
00:06:30.348 --> 00:06:32.058
-That's what NIFT is?
-Yes.
156
00:06:32.141 --> 00:06:34.602
'Cause, you know,
fashion is all about technology. Er…
157
00:06:34.685 --> 00:06:36.938
[audience laughing]
158
00:06:37.021 --> 00:06:39.732
You know, sometimes… [laughs]
159
00:06:39.816 --> 00:06:42.110
Sometimes, I'll put on a T-shirt
and I'll be like,
160
00:06:42.193 --> 00:06:43.778
"My God, this is hi-tech."
161
00:06:43.861 --> 00:06:45.571
You know… "This is just…"
162
00:06:45.655 --> 00:06:47.615
"Whoever designed this…" [chuckles]
163
00:06:47.698 --> 00:06:50.743
"You know, when I eat Asian food,
it just slides right off."
164
00:06:50.827 --> 00:06:53.955
"How did they
make that happen with this T-shirt?"
165
00:06:54.038 --> 00:06:57.792
I think I made fun
of the fashion girl a little too much.
166
00:06:58.292 --> 00:07:01.129
Like, no stylist
is ever gonna work with me again.
167
00:07:02.213 --> 00:07:06.634
It's okay. Isn't it all just
hazmat suits for the next fuckin' decade?
168
00:07:06.717 --> 00:07:10.346
"Asian food." It's… I had to, I'm sorry.
169
00:07:10.429 --> 00:07:13.933
-[man] Celebrate 420.
-Oh, man. Don't you have ganja?
170
00:07:14.016 --> 00:07:15.059
[man] No, bro.
171
00:07:15.143 --> 00:07:17.937
So, every time I go to a college,
people write in there,
172
00:07:18.020 --> 00:07:20.815
"Vir Das. 'Babaji ki Booty.'
Do you wanna get high together, bro?"
173
00:07:20.898 --> 00:07:23.484
"You want to smoke a 'J' together, bro?"
And I'm like, "No!"
174
00:07:23.568 --> 00:07:27.280
Can you imagine what would happen
if you, a college kid, got high with me,
175
00:07:27.363 --> 00:07:29.574
a 40-year-old man?
And you're like… [inhales deeply]
176
00:07:29.657 --> 00:07:32.118
"Hey, Vir Das, do you feel
like the moon landing was fake
177
00:07:32.201 --> 00:07:34.328
and they never told us about that shit?"
178
00:07:34.412 --> 00:07:35.496
[audience laughing]
179
00:07:35.580 --> 00:07:38.708
You know, and I'd be like,
"I have acid reflux."
180
00:07:38.791 --> 00:07:42.420
Like, you know… [laughs]
It would just be such a sad day.
181
00:07:42.503 --> 00:07:43.963
Are you able to smoke in your house?
182
00:07:44.046 --> 00:07:47.383
Yeah. Late night, I sneak up to my terrace
and do things when they're sleeping.
183
00:07:47.467 --> 00:07:48.718
You realize they know, right?
184
00:07:48.801 --> 00:07:50.970
They're in their bed, like… [sniffs]
"That's Manali."
185
00:07:51.053 --> 00:07:53.055
That's what's happening
in your house right now.
186
00:07:53.139 --> 00:07:55.183
What's the first thing you're going to do
187
00:07:55.266 --> 00:07:57.143
after the lockdown ends?
Somebody yell it out.
188
00:07:57.226 --> 00:07:59.729
-[Tanay] Stay home.
-Who the fuck is that?
189
00:07:59.812 --> 00:08:02.106
What are you sitting on?
Is that a video gamer's chair?
190
00:08:02.190 --> 00:08:03.274
Is that what that is?
191
00:08:03.357 --> 00:08:06.152
-That's a gamer's chair, yeah.
-That's a gamer's chair, yeah.
192
00:08:06.235 --> 00:08:07.612
[audience laughing]
193
00:08:07.695 --> 00:08:10.198
Just have some multivits, buddy, because…
194
00:08:10.281 --> 00:08:13.242
I mean… Gamer generation, you guys…
195
00:08:13.326 --> 00:08:14.911
You can't survive a peanut allergy.
196
00:08:14.994 --> 00:08:18.372
I'm not confident of your abilities
in a pandemic. I am sorry.
197
00:08:19.415 --> 00:08:23.085
If you had to go outside,
where would you go, what was your thing?
198
00:08:23.169 --> 00:08:25.463
-Clubbing.
-What's your favourite club?
199
00:08:25.546 --> 00:08:28.466
It was Tryst, but then
it shut down for renovation.
200
00:08:28.549 --> 00:08:30.885
Yeah, bro, I feel you. Tryst…
201
00:08:30.968 --> 00:08:32.637
[all laughing]
202
00:08:33.387 --> 00:08:35.014
Tryst. Tryst was lit AF.
203
00:08:35.097 --> 00:08:37.266
You know, like, just…
204
00:08:37.350 --> 00:08:39.727
You know, like, fuckin' Friday night.
205
00:08:41.145 --> 00:08:42.146
Have like a…
206
00:08:42.730 --> 00:08:45.525
A Rooh Afza shot and build a world and…
207
00:08:48.110 --> 00:08:49.403
Head out to Tryst.
208
00:08:49.487 --> 00:08:52.198
-[woman] I'm from Dubai, UAE.
-You're from UAE.
209
00:08:52.281 --> 00:08:53.824
That's not really, yaar… That's just…
210
00:08:53.908 --> 00:08:55.201
[audience laughing]
211
00:08:55.284 --> 00:08:57.787
That's just India
with cleaner and meaner people.
212
00:08:58.871 --> 00:09:03.251
If India loved architecture more
and hated Indians more, that's Dubai.
213
00:09:03.334 --> 00:09:04.877
[audience laughing]
214
00:09:04.961 --> 00:09:07.171
So lockdown has been extended, again.
215
00:09:08.548 --> 00:09:10.550
And it will probably be extended again.
216
00:09:10.633 --> 00:09:13.094
And again… And again, and again, and…
217
00:09:16.472 --> 00:09:19.559
What's the first thing you guys
are gonna do after the lockdown ends?
218
00:09:19.642 --> 00:09:20.518
Yell it out.
219
00:09:20.601 --> 00:09:23.938
-[man] I'll have ice cream.
-Is it not available where you are?
220
00:09:24.021 --> 00:09:26.190
[audience laughing]
221
00:09:26.274 --> 00:09:28.317
I think it's not available anywhere.
222
00:09:28.401 --> 00:09:31.862
Because what we're doing here,
I don't know if you guys are doing this…
223
00:09:31.946 --> 00:09:35.908
Like, the package comes
and then we sanitize the package.
224
00:09:35.992 --> 00:09:39.245
Er, and then, we take the food and
immediately put it in another container
225
00:09:39.328 --> 00:09:41.789
and microwave that shit
for 30 seconds to nuke
226
00:09:41.872 --> 00:09:42.915
all the fuckin'…
227
00:09:42.999 --> 00:09:45.418
So just do that with your ice cream.
Have some soup, man.
228
00:09:45.501 --> 00:09:46.669
[laughs] I don't know what else to…
229
00:09:46.752 --> 00:09:48.129
[audience laughing]
230
00:09:50.089 --> 00:09:52.675
Pranav, you're in Karnataka.
What do you do, buddy?
231
00:09:52.758 --> 00:09:57.305
Er, actually, I was supposed…
I'm supposed to go to US for my studies.
232
00:09:58.806 --> 00:10:00.182
I am just waiting.
233
00:10:00.266 --> 00:10:01.642
[woman] Oh…
234
00:10:01.726 --> 00:10:02.977
Pranav, I have bad news.
235
00:10:03.561 --> 00:10:05.354
-[Pranav chuckles]
-[woman] Aw…
236
00:10:05.438 --> 00:10:08.941
Er… And… But you have the visa
and everything, it's all done?
237
00:10:09.025 --> 00:10:13.070
No, no.
Only I have admission and I have the date.
238
00:10:13.154 --> 00:10:15.615
-[Pranav chuckles]
-[women] Aw…
239
00:10:15.698 --> 00:10:18.284
I hope it happens, man.
I really, really do.
240
00:10:18.367 --> 00:10:19.910
-Like, I'm fuckin'…
-Thanks.
241
00:10:19.994 --> 00:10:22.913
I'm rooting for you.
Like, positive energy from me to you.
242
00:10:22.997 --> 00:10:25.916
It's completely unrealistic,
but still, from me to you.
243
00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:27.168
-Yes.
-[audience laughing]
244
00:10:27.251 --> 00:10:28.794
[Vir Das] I know
what it is to have that feeling,
245
00:10:28.878 --> 00:10:30.880
you know, firsthand. That feeling of, er…
246
00:10:32.340 --> 00:10:34.884
"I wanna go to America.
My life's gonna change."
247
00:10:34.967 --> 00:10:36.260
"Everything's gonna be…"
248
00:10:38.554 --> 00:10:41.724
I hope this kid makes it there
before this virus kills that feeling.
249
00:10:41.807 --> 00:10:43.809
'Cause that feeling is important.
250
00:10:43.893 --> 00:10:48.272
[chuckles] I was feeling
sorry for myself before the show.
251
00:10:50.566 --> 00:10:51.859
This kid is going through that.
252
00:10:51.942 --> 00:10:55.196
He just wants ice cream.
That's what he wants. Ice cream.
253
00:10:55.279 --> 00:10:57.281
And I need to toughen the fuck up and…
254
00:10:58.824 --> 00:11:00.159
keep doing this.
255
00:11:00.242 --> 00:11:02.703 line:5%
-What's your name?
-Hillary.
256
00:11:02.787 --> 00:11:05.081
-Hillary?
-[Hillary] Yeah, from Moscow.
257
00:11:05.164 --> 00:11:08.167
Hillary from Moscow, really?
Oh, so… Oh, wow…
258
00:11:08.250 --> 00:11:11.045
So you are Mr. Hillary Dsouza.
Good to see you, sir.
259
00:11:11.128 --> 00:11:12.505
That's right. That's right.
260
00:11:12.588 --> 00:11:16.050
That was not the surname that
I was expecting when I heard "Hillary."
261
00:11:16.133 --> 00:11:17.218
[all laughing]
262
00:11:17.301 --> 00:11:20.596
I'm gonna be very honest,
I thought of an unhappy wife. Er…
263
00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:23.682
Millennials, that's
a Hillary Clinton joke, never mind.
264
00:11:23.766 --> 00:11:25.184
We'll get to it. It's the news.
265
00:11:25.267 --> 00:11:26.811
-[indistinct chatter]
-It's fine. No, no, no…
266
00:11:26.894 --> 00:11:29.021
She didn't win.
She doesn't deserve your laughter.
267
00:11:29.105 --> 00:11:31.982
[Hetika] Go attend
my dance class. Non-virtual.
268
00:11:32.066 --> 00:11:34.402
Hetika. What's up, Hetika?
What kind of dance?
269
00:11:34.485 --> 00:11:37.071
Erm, so I'm learning bhangra currently.
270
00:11:37.154 --> 00:11:39.115
Yo, lady. You don't have to learn bhangra.
271
00:11:39.198 --> 00:11:41.200
-I don't think there's bhangra classes.
-[audience laughing]
272
00:11:41.283 --> 00:11:43.869
There are.
A more formal way of it. But, yeah.
273
00:11:43.953 --> 00:11:47.456
What happens in bhangra class?
Er, sastriyaakaal, welcome to… [laughs]
274
00:11:47.540 --> 00:11:48.999
[Hetika] That. Just that and--
275
00:11:49.083 --> 00:11:50.751
Welcome to bhangra class.
276
00:11:50.835 --> 00:11:53.504
There are two buttons on ceiling.
Hit buttons.
277
00:11:53.587 --> 00:11:55.423
-I don't know what the…
-Absolutely.
278
00:11:55.506 --> 00:11:58.926
For some reason,
Indians do bhangra to classic rock.
279
00:11:59.009 --> 00:12:01.470
-I don't know if you've like--
-Oh, God. That's horrible.
280
00:12:01.554 --> 00:12:05.015
They're like, "'November Rain,' bhenchod."
Like, you know… It's just…
281
00:12:05.099 --> 00:12:06.267
[audience laughing]
282
00:12:06.350 --> 00:12:08.727
I love it when we make
white people do bhangra,
283
00:12:08.811 --> 00:12:11.772
'cause they're so happy
to be included, right?
284
00:12:11.856 --> 00:12:13.065
They're just like…
285
00:12:13.149 --> 00:12:14.775
"I think they forgave us."
286
00:12:14.859 --> 00:12:16.193
[audience laughing]
287
00:12:16.277 --> 00:12:19.905 line:5%
-[woman] Houston, Texas.
-Houston, Texas. What time is it there?
288
00:12:19.989 --> 00:12:21.824
8:30 in the morning.
289
00:12:21.907 --> 00:12:25.953
Jesus Christ! [laughs]
You're watching stand-up for breakfast?
290
00:12:26.036 --> 00:12:27.121
Are you fuckin' serious?
291
00:12:28.998 --> 00:12:32.084
I've never had a gig where somebody
eats poha in the middle of the gig.
292
00:12:32.168 --> 00:12:33.377
That'd be fuckin' great.
293
00:12:33.461 --> 00:12:35.838
Did you see Donald Trump today?
It was great.
294
00:12:35.921 --> 00:12:39.508
He said, "You can
inject disinfectant into your body."
295
00:12:40.718 --> 00:12:43.679
If you inject disinfectant into your body,
296
00:12:43.762 --> 00:12:46.140
you don't have to worry
about the coronavirus.
297
00:12:46.223 --> 00:12:47.266
You know what I'm saying?
298
00:12:47.892 --> 00:12:51.729
Or even cleaning your house anymore.
You have other worries, like, you know…
299
00:12:51.812 --> 00:12:56.150
Flowers, food, the size of the coffin,
you know. Other things that you need to…
300
00:12:56.233 --> 00:12:59.653
to think about, man.
What a train wreck, your guy is.
301
00:13:00.321 --> 00:13:01.697
But I'm really sorry.
302
00:13:01.780 --> 00:13:05.826
But, I mean, at least you have, like, some
500 trillion dollars or whatever, right?
303
00:13:05.910 --> 00:13:08.537
At least, you know…
At least Donald Trump's plan is not…
304
00:13:08.621 --> 00:13:09.997
[imitates Trump] "Er, I want everyone
305
00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:11.499
to go to the balcony at 8:00 p.m."
306
00:13:11.582 --> 00:13:13.542
Like, at least that's not the plan.
307
00:13:13.626 --> 00:13:15.503
[all laughing]
308
00:13:17.296 --> 00:13:19.256
Can you imagine
if that was Donald Trump's plan…
309
00:13:19.340 --> 00:13:20.966
[imitates Trump]
"Er, we have the best balconies
310
00:13:21.050 --> 00:13:23.010
and I want everybody to go to the balcony
311
00:13:23.093 --> 00:13:24.845
at 8:00 p.m. and light a candle."
312
00:13:24.929 --> 00:13:26.764
"We have the best candles in America."
313
00:13:26.847 --> 00:13:28.891
"God bless America,
God bless American candles."
314
00:13:28.974 --> 00:13:30.518
"Good night, we're all gonna die."
315
00:13:30.601 --> 00:13:32.061
Like if that was… [laughs]
316
00:13:32.144 --> 00:13:35.231
Er, what's the first thing
you're gonna do once the lockdown ends?
317
00:13:35.314 --> 00:13:36.315
Somebody yell it out.
318
00:13:36.398 --> 00:13:39.610
-[Ashish] Haircut.
-Ashish, you look all right, though.
319
00:13:39.693 --> 00:13:40.903
-Like, it's…
-[Ashish] No, like…
320
00:13:40.986 --> 00:13:43.989
If you look at my beard,
it's too much than what I have normally.
321
00:13:44.073 --> 00:13:46.033
So, yeah. Beard and hair.
322
00:13:46.116 --> 00:13:48.452
I mean, we're all
being polite right now, and
323
00:13:48.536 --> 00:13:52.540
ignoring the fact that you need somebody
else to trim your beard. Which is…
324
00:13:52.623 --> 00:13:54.667
[audience laughing]
325
00:13:54.750 --> 00:13:57.753
Just the most privileged
fucking thing in the world.
326
00:13:57.836 --> 00:14:00.214
The thing is that
I actually used to do that--
327
00:14:00.297 --> 00:14:02.716
"No, but Ramu does it so much better."
328
00:14:02.800 --> 00:14:05.219
[audience laughing]
329
00:14:05.302 --> 00:14:08.013
"Ramu gets in there,
where I don't want to go."
330
00:14:08.097 --> 00:14:09.765
Barber… When I go to the barber--
331
00:14:09.848 --> 00:14:12.268
Shut up. Don't explain
your privilege, own it.
332
00:14:12.351 --> 00:14:14.436
[audience laughing]
333
00:14:14.520 --> 00:14:17.022
It's either been, like,
close to two months
334
00:14:17.690 --> 00:14:21.193
or 16 years since the lockdown began and…
335
00:14:22.736 --> 00:14:25.364
We took a little bit
of a break from doing the shows
336
00:14:25.447 --> 00:14:27.157
because I was going through…
337
00:14:28.909 --> 00:14:30.536
some stuff. And now we are back.
338
00:14:30.619 --> 00:14:34.498
People come and see a Vir Das show,
they come to forget about their shit.
339
00:14:34.582 --> 00:14:36.458
They don't come to see mine.
340
00:14:37.793 --> 00:14:40.379
So… put your shit away.
341
00:14:41.005 --> 00:14:42.089
♪ Put your shit away… ♪
342
00:14:42.172 --> 00:14:45.342
-[woman] So, it's 6:50 a.m. right now.
-6:50 in the morning.
343
00:14:45.426 --> 00:14:47.720
You got up to see
a comedy show with your boyfriend?
344
00:14:47.803 --> 00:14:50.306
-Oh, wow.
-So, marriage maybe after this?
345
00:14:50.389 --> 00:14:53.851
[chuckles] Oh, my God.
Okay, it's too early for this.
346
00:14:53.934 --> 00:14:57.146
"It's too early for this," as in
6:50 in the morning or in life?
347
00:14:57.229 --> 00:14:58.939
What are we talking about exactly?
348
00:14:59.023 --> 00:15:01.692
-Is it like… What's the problem? Is it…
-I should go.
349
00:15:01.775 --> 00:15:04.153
[in Hindi] "I haven't graduated"
or "I haven't taken a dump"?
350
00:15:04.236 --> 00:15:06.030
[in English] What is the actual problem?
351
00:15:06.989 --> 00:15:09.700
-[man] Go back to Canada.
-Go back to Canada.
352
00:15:09.783 --> 00:15:11.285
-Aw…
-[audience laughing]
353
00:15:11.368 --> 00:15:13.829 line:5%
Me and my girlfriend,
she's on the call here.
354
00:15:13.913 --> 00:15:16.290
We came here for our engagement ceremony.
355
00:15:16.373 --> 00:15:19.376
And are you guys
at least together in India right now?
356
00:15:19.460 --> 00:15:21.712
No. She's in Ahmedabad. I am in Baroda.
357
00:15:21.795 --> 00:15:23.631
You flew from Canada…
358
00:15:23.714 --> 00:15:24.924
[audience laughing]
359
00:15:26.133 --> 00:15:29.219
…to India, to symbolically
and romantically be together.
360
00:15:30.346 --> 00:15:34.350
And the minute you conducted a ceremony
that binds you together for life,
361
00:15:34.433 --> 00:15:35.893
you fuckin' separated…
362
00:15:35.976 --> 00:15:36.977
[audience laughing]
363
00:15:37.061 --> 00:15:38.520
… and went to different cities.
364
00:15:38.604 --> 00:15:39.563
[man] To do the ceremony.
365
00:15:39.647 --> 00:15:41.607
I feel like you deserve this predicament.
366
00:15:41.690 --> 00:15:44.318
You're just making
bad choices in this relationship.
367
00:15:45.152 --> 00:15:46.487
I don't think you understand
368
00:15:46.570 --> 00:15:49.073
the delicate interplay
between romance and geography.
369
00:15:49.156 --> 00:15:51.200
-Er…
-[audience laughing]
370
00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:53.577
[Monika] Hug people.
371
00:15:53.661 --> 00:15:55.955
Monika, you're gonna
go out and hug people?
372
00:15:56.038 --> 00:15:58.207
I'm of the same opinion
as you. I feel like,
373
00:15:58.290 --> 00:16:02.169
the second there's…
Forget a vaccine, I feel like, a cure,
374
00:16:02.252 --> 00:16:05.089
we are just gonna be touching
the shit out of each other.
375
00:16:05.172 --> 00:16:06.882
[all laughing]
376
00:16:08.634 --> 00:16:10.719
In a non-creepy way.
377
00:16:11.345 --> 00:16:13.889
Creepy is such
a relative thing. I am kidding.
378
00:16:13.973 --> 00:16:15.391
[audience laughing]
379
00:16:17.267 --> 00:16:19.186
I was thinking about that the other day.
380
00:16:19.269 --> 00:16:22.189
If we get back to offices
with social distancing,
381
00:16:22.272 --> 00:16:25.651
that's gonna be terrible
for the "Me, Too" guys, right?
382
00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:30.280
Where everybody is like six feet away.
Just a lonely M.J. Akbar in the office.
383
00:16:30.364 --> 00:16:32.241
[audience laughing]
384
00:16:35.202 --> 00:16:37.955
[imitates M.J. Akbar]
"You're sexy." Like, I don't know…
385
00:16:38.038 --> 00:16:41.333
So, you know, every time
I do this piece to cams in my own…
386
00:16:42.334 --> 00:16:45.170
private reality show
that nobody's watching, I, er…
387
00:16:46.380 --> 00:16:47.923
I come off as a bit of a bitch.
388
00:16:48.007 --> 00:16:51.343
Despite myself,
I'm looking forward to today's show.
389
00:16:51.427 --> 00:16:53.637
One for you, Zoom.
390
00:16:53.721 --> 00:16:56.181
First thing you're going to do
once the lockdown ends
391
00:16:56.265 --> 00:16:58.058
and we're all
allowed outside. Yell it out.
392
00:16:58.142 --> 00:17:02.438 line:5%
Ride my bike.
I mean, go riding, as in riding.
393
00:17:02.521 --> 00:17:05.482
I never understand when guys
are like, "Dude, I rode my motorcycle."
394
00:17:05.566 --> 00:17:07.651
No, you didn't.
It's not like you showed up
395
00:17:07.735 --> 00:17:10.571
and your Harley was just there
running wild like… [huffs, snorts]
396
00:17:10.654 --> 00:17:12.823
And you're like, "Whoa, Harley, whoa."
397
00:17:12.906 --> 00:17:15.075
-[snorts]
-[audience laughing]
398
00:17:15.159 --> 00:17:17.953
And then your Harley Davidson
took off. You're like…
399
00:17:18.037 --> 00:17:19.580
And you have to jump on to it.
400
00:17:19.663 --> 00:17:21.457
Did I tell you, I almost bought a Harley?
401
00:17:21.540 --> 00:17:25.794
Like, I almost… And then I realized,
"Oh, fuck, I'm actually not an alpha."
402
00:17:25.878 --> 00:17:29.798
And I think the way that you know that
is the way my hands went like that.
403
00:17:30.883 --> 00:17:32.676
You know, guys, I'm actually not an alpha.
404
00:17:33.343 --> 00:17:35.554
Fuck this virus. Fuck the bat.
405
00:17:36.138 --> 00:17:37.056
[man] Play football.
406
00:17:37.139 --> 00:17:39.308
This isn't one of those fantasy things
407
00:17:39.391 --> 00:17:42.478
where a lot of guys who can't play
football get into a room together--
408
00:17:42.561 --> 00:17:44.521
No, no, no.
Play actual, physical football.
409
00:17:44.605 --> 00:17:46.690
What's your position? What do you play?
410
00:17:46.774 --> 00:17:48.317
I play right-winger.
411
00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:51.028
You play right-winger? Cool.
I'm a left-winger myself. Erm…
412
00:17:51.111 --> 00:17:52.821
[audience laughing]
413
00:17:55.574 --> 00:17:57.117
We have different goals. You know.
414
00:17:58.994 --> 00:18:01.997
I wanna score a goal,
you know, get a penalty.
415
00:18:02.081 --> 00:18:04.416
You guys wanna
build a statue that nobody wants.
416
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.335
[audience laughing]
417
00:18:06.418 --> 00:18:08.212
[Erika] I can go out all day.
418
00:18:08.295 --> 00:18:09.880
You can go out all day? One second.
419
00:18:09.963 --> 00:18:11.340
What's up, Erika, where you from?
420
00:18:11.423 --> 00:18:12.800
I am from Costa Rica.
421
00:18:12.883 --> 00:18:15.052
You're from Costa Rica? Is there any, erm…
422
00:18:15.135 --> 00:18:18.430
Are there COVID patients in Costa Rica?
Are there cases or not?
423
00:18:19.681 --> 00:18:21.767
No, we can go out all day.
424
00:18:21.850 --> 00:18:23.977
It's fine? Everything's cool?
425
00:18:24.061 --> 00:18:26.772
Yes, everything's okay. Under control.
426
00:18:26.855 --> 00:18:28.440
Okay, I know you're alone in the room,
427
00:18:28.524 --> 00:18:31.068
but can you feel
the resentment from everybody else?
428
00:18:31.151 --> 00:18:32.653
[audience laughing]
429
00:18:34.071 --> 00:18:35.322
I can feel it.
430
00:18:37.074 --> 00:18:38.492
International, guys.
431
00:18:38.575 --> 00:18:40.077
[all laughing]
432
00:18:43.122 --> 00:18:44.540
Yeah. Hey,
433
00:18:44.623 --> 00:18:47.501
other Indian comedians,
do you have unemployed people
434
00:18:47.584 --> 00:18:49.878
from COVID-free countries
as your families?
435
00:18:51.130 --> 00:18:51.964
I think not.
436
00:18:52.047 --> 00:18:53.298
[Shreya] Go on a cruise.
437
00:18:53.382 --> 00:18:55.092
"Go on a cruise." Who the fuck said that?
438
00:18:57.344 --> 00:19:01.056 line:5%
Shreya, you have no fuckin' understanding
of how science works?
439
00:19:02.224 --> 00:19:05.144 line:5%
Have you not read every news article ever…
440
00:19:06.687 --> 00:19:08.230 line:5%
that has come out in the last…
441
00:19:08.313 --> 00:19:10.357 line:5%
And where are you going in this cruise?
442
00:19:10.440 --> 00:19:12.776 line:5%
I don't know. Just to…
443
00:19:12.860 --> 00:19:14.570
"I just wanna be… I don't know."
444
00:19:14.653 --> 00:19:18.782 line:5%
"I just wanna be stuck on a ship with
some people and a virus. That's my plan."
445
00:19:21.410 --> 00:19:23.370
[boy] Gonna turn 16 tomorrow.
446
00:19:23.453 --> 00:19:25.330
-You're 15 years old?
-Yes.
447
00:19:26.331 --> 00:19:28.834
Buddy, don't take anything
I said seriously, all right?
448
00:19:28.917 --> 00:19:30.544
[audience laughing]
449
00:19:31.628 --> 00:19:35.007
Like, don't tell anyone
you were at this show, all right?
450
00:19:35.090 --> 00:19:37.384
-Just…
-It's all confidential. Don't worry.
451
00:19:37.467 --> 00:19:39.928
-Who bought the tickets?
-I did, myself.
452
00:19:40.429 --> 00:19:43.015
-You have a debit card at 16?
-Yes.
453
00:19:43.765 --> 00:19:46.393
Are you doing child porn on the side?
What the fuck is happening?
454
00:19:46.476 --> 00:19:48.478
-Why do you have--
-No, not at all, sir.
455
00:19:48.562 --> 00:19:50.355
I'm not insinuating
that you do child porn.
456
00:19:50.439 --> 00:19:51.648
Usually, you get recognized.
457
00:19:51.732 --> 00:19:54.610
Like somebody on
the Zoom call be like, "Yeah, are you…
458
00:19:54.693 --> 00:19:55.611
[audience laughing]
459
00:19:55.694 --> 00:19:57.237
…Chintu69?"
460
00:19:57.321 --> 00:20:00.657
Er… Just a second. Just a second.
461
00:20:00.741 --> 00:20:02.743
Is somebody knocking
on your door right now?
462
00:20:02.826 --> 00:20:04.077
[man] Yes, yes, yes.
463
00:20:04.161 --> 00:20:06.246
[all laughing]
464
00:20:07.623 --> 00:20:10.125
Is that your mom,
or your girlfriend? Who is that?
465
00:20:10.209 --> 00:20:11.543
It's my mom, actually.
466
00:20:11.627 --> 00:20:14.254
I have to take care of my sister,
so she's calling me.
467
00:20:14.338 --> 00:20:15.714
Buddy, go do your thing.
468
00:20:15.797 --> 00:20:18.300
No, I'm not going to, actually.
I'm talking to you.
469
00:20:18.383 --> 00:20:21.303
-How old is your sister?
-She's only five years old, actually.
470
00:20:21.386 --> 00:20:23.055
She'll survive, five is enough.
471
00:20:23.138 --> 00:20:24.556
[audience laughing]
472
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:27.643
That's fine. You don't need to
feed them or educate them. She'll be fine.
473
00:20:28.393 --> 00:20:32.189
Fucker, go take care of your sister.
I'm not having, like, some, er…
474
00:20:32.272 --> 00:20:35.567
child malnutrition
on my conscience, you know.
475
00:20:35.651 --> 00:20:38.779
I've got enough. I did Mastizaade.
I feel guilty enough about my life.
476
00:20:38.862 --> 00:20:39.905
[woman] From Spain.
477
00:20:39.988 --> 00:20:42.407
From Spain?
Good Lord, hello. Nice to see you.
478
00:20:42.491 --> 00:20:45.661
It looks like you're looking up
so you're watching me on a television?
479
00:20:45.744 --> 00:20:47.496
Yes. Computer's broken.
480
00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:50.123
All right, so then I'll try
and make this look like it should.
481
00:20:50.207 --> 00:20:51.667
"Hello. How are you?" Er…
482
00:20:51.750 --> 00:20:53.168
[audience laughing]
483
00:20:53.252 --> 00:20:55.254
Is that helping you at all? Or not.
484
00:20:56.296 --> 00:20:58.966
Are you scared,
are you nervous? Like, you know…
485
00:20:59.049 --> 00:21:01.551
Or are you just happy
to see the fuck out of each other?
486
00:21:02.552 --> 00:21:07.224
It's weird. It's weird because, like,
er, Spanish are very sociable people.
487
00:21:07.307 --> 00:21:09.643
So when you meet somebody, you just kiss.
488
00:21:09.726 --> 00:21:11.019
Well, on the cheek.
489
00:21:11.103 --> 00:21:15.190
-[audience laughing]
-So, its… Social distance is…
490
00:21:15.274 --> 00:21:17.317
We have a town called Delhi.
It's the same way,
491
00:21:17.401 --> 00:21:20.529
but that's not, you know…
Not quite as consensual as you guys.
492
00:21:20.612 --> 00:21:22.656
Yeah, that's what
happens in Delhi. [kisses]
493
00:21:22.739 --> 00:21:23.740
[in Hindi] Fuck off, motherfucker.
494
00:21:23.824 --> 00:21:26.076
[in English] Madam,
I am being Spanish, okay? Spanish.
495
00:21:26.159 --> 00:21:28.996
Er, I'm in Ireland right now. I'm Indian,
496
00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:31.623
but I am, at the moment, I'm in Ireland.
497
00:21:31.707 --> 00:21:35.711
You know, I guessed you were
Indian from the, "Charu…" [mumbling]
498
00:21:35.794 --> 00:21:37.504
[audience laughing]
499
00:21:39.673 --> 00:21:40.882
So you're stuck in college?
500
00:21:40.966 --> 00:21:43.719
-Well, I wouldn't call it "stuck."
-Okay.
501
00:21:43.802 --> 00:21:48.515
Because we're still,
like, free to go outside on walks, like…
502
00:21:48.598 --> 00:21:52.519
Grocery shopping, and we can
go out cycling and stuff like that.
503
00:21:52.602 --> 00:21:54.438
So I wouldn't say, like, I'm stuck.
504
00:21:54.521 --> 00:21:56.565
All the other Indians
are sitting there like…
505
00:21:56.648 --> 00:21:58.150
[in Hindi] "Motherfucker. You fuckin'…"
506
00:21:59.067 --> 00:22:02.112
[in English] She's in a Spanish village,
fuckin' drinking Prosecco.
507
00:22:02.195 --> 00:22:04.573
This chick is chilling
and going out on her bicycle.
508
00:22:04.656 --> 00:22:07.826
Er, I'm doing master's
in Biomedical Engineering.
509
00:22:07.909 --> 00:22:08.744
Do you believe that?
510
00:22:08.827 --> 00:22:11.705
You believe we are headed
for a vaccine September, October types?
511
00:22:11.788 --> 00:22:14.374
I highly doubt that,
just because the whole process
512
00:22:14.458 --> 00:22:16.710
of actually getting a vaccine is so long.
513
00:22:16.793 --> 00:22:20.422
You have to, like, sleep with
a Poonawalla, you know, it's tough, er…
514
00:22:20.505 --> 00:22:21.548
[audience laughing]
515
00:22:21.631 --> 00:22:24.259
Let me tell you,
that's an inside joke. All right, cool.
516
00:22:25.344 --> 00:22:26.636
Just me? All right.
517
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:28.513
Today is our first show for London.
518
00:22:29.306 --> 00:22:31.641
Er… Yay.
519
00:22:31.725 --> 00:22:34.144
Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond, Lond…
520
00:22:34.728 --> 00:22:36.772
I'm never gonna get to go to London again.
521
00:22:36.855 --> 00:22:39.357
-[woman] Go to the pub.
-Go to the pub? Okay.
522
00:22:39.441 --> 00:22:40.942
And what's your pub drink?
523
00:22:41.026 --> 00:22:43.487
What's the first thing…
What do you start the night with?
524
00:22:43.570 --> 00:22:44.696
Of course, a martini.
525
00:22:44.780 --> 00:22:46.740
A martini.
Why is that "of course, a martini"?
526
00:22:46.823 --> 00:22:51.244
Maybe you want a beer. Like, I don't know,
if like… I'm not from, er, London.
527
00:22:52.120 --> 00:22:54.706
I don't know why I got
Indian when I said that shit.
528
00:22:55.373 --> 00:22:57.000
[in Indian accent]
I'm not from London, son.
529
00:22:57.793 --> 00:22:59.086
No pubs for you.
530
00:22:59.169 --> 00:23:00.420
And give Kohinoor back.
531
00:23:00.504 --> 00:23:02.422
[audience laughing]
532
00:23:02.506 --> 00:23:05.050 line:5%
Just got married in India on March 13th,
533
00:23:05.133 --> 00:23:06.510 line:5%
the day the world went to shit.
534
00:23:06.593 --> 00:23:08.762 line:5%
And we… Our marriage…
535
00:23:08.845 --> 00:23:11.473
Nice. So you're having like
a fuckin' pandemic honeymoon.
536
00:23:11.556 --> 00:23:12.390
This is great.
537
00:23:12.474 --> 00:23:13.850 line:5%
[audience laughing]
538
00:23:14.935 --> 00:23:17.604 line:5%
Is your kid gonna be…
Your kid has gotta be called Corona.
539
00:23:17.687 --> 00:23:19.898 line:5%
That's just gotta be a thing that happens.
540
00:23:19.981 --> 00:23:22.150
Okay, it is, er…
541
00:23:24.194 --> 00:23:26.571
7:00 a.m. on a Sunday and…
542
00:23:27.989 --> 00:23:30.450
I'm about to do stand-up comedy
for people in New York.
543
00:23:30.534 --> 00:23:32.035
This is so fuckin' weird.
544
00:23:32.119 --> 00:23:34.663
-[man] Get a haircut.
-Get a haircut.
545
00:23:34.746 --> 00:23:38.708
There's a sardar on the…
Jaswin, I hope that's not you.
546
00:23:38.792 --> 00:23:40.585
That wasn't you. All right, cool.
547
00:23:40.669 --> 00:23:42.254
[all laughing]
548
00:23:44.047 --> 00:23:45.590
Jaswin's just sitting there like,
549
00:23:45.674 --> 00:23:48.885
"When the lockdown is done,
I'm done with this Sikhism, I gotta say."
550
00:23:48.969 --> 00:23:50.804
[audience laughing]
551
00:23:51.888 --> 00:23:53.390
[Asmita] Get my eyebrows done.
552
00:23:53.473 --> 00:23:55.350
Get your eyebrows done.
553
00:23:55.433 --> 00:23:56.601
[audience laughing]
554
00:23:56.685 --> 00:23:59.312
Same, girl. Need it.
555
00:23:59.396 --> 00:24:00.522
Okay, admin, mute her.
556
00:24:00.605 --> 00:24:03.900
I thought this would be good.
But fuck this, this is just a…
557
00:24:03.984 --> 00:24:05.652
Okay. No, let's talk about this.
558
00:24:05.735 --> 00:24:08.405
Can you not do it yourself?
Like, is that not a…
559
00:24:09.030 --> 00:24:13.076
Tweezing eyebrows is serious business.
You don't mess around with that.
560
00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:16.538
Why? What's the worst case scenario?
You'd just look surprised by life.
561
00:24:16.621 --> 00:24:18.373
[audience laughing]
562
00:24:21.334 --> 00:24:22.169
You're just like…
563
00:24:24.129 --> 00:24:27.132
Your friends are like, "Wow, Asmita
really enjoyed that Starbucks."
564
00:24:27.215 --> 00:24:28.466
"You know what I mean?"
565
00:24:30.093 --> 00:24:32.512
"I've been to Starbucks
with her every day for a decade,
566
00:24:32.596 --> 00:24:35.182
but she really
got into it today, I gotta say."
567
00:24:35.265 --> 00:24:36.349
In India, people are like…
568
00:24:36.433 --> 00:24:38.268
[in Hindi] "I'm not getting any food…"
569
00:24:38.351 --> 00:24:40.187
"Workers are migrating, this and that."
570
00:24:40.270 --> 00:24:41.146
[in English] Here it's like,
571
00:24:41.229 --> 00:24:44.232
"I can't get my eyebrows done,
and I can't drive my car."
572
00:24:44.316 --> 00:24:47.485
You fuckin' privileged motherfuckers.
573
00:24:48.403 --> 00:24:49.821 line:5%
[woman] No, it was a hospital birth.
574
00:24:50.488 --> 00:24:53.074
Erm, but it was just really odd.
We didn't have…
575
00:24:53.158 --> 00:24:55.368
Like, a nurse wouldn't
come to touch me or anything.
576
00:24:55.452 --> 00:24:58.038
So I just had to
pretty much have the baby alone.
577
00:24:58.121 --> 00:24:59.080
That's insane.
578
00:24:59.164 --> 00:25:03.335
So like, for the first time in history,
the dad and the nurse have swapped.
579
00:25:03.418 --> 00:25:06.588
-'Cause now the dad is doing all the work.
-[audience laughing]
580
00:25:06.671 --> 00:25:09.925
And the nurse is just eight feet away
like, "You're doing great."
581
00:25:10.008 --> 00:25:11.092
[audience laughing]
582
00:25:11.176 --> 00:25:13.845
The baby comes out,
looks at the dad, and the baby's like…
583
00:25:13.929 --> 00:25:17.349
"Is he the doctor? Why is he crying?"
584
00:25:17.432 --> 00:25:19.392
I heard a pretty good story
about the virus today.
585
00:25:19.476 --> 00:25:21.561
[man 1] Bat ate a fruit.
586
00:25:22.312 --> 00:25:24.731 line:5%
Dropped the fruit. A pig ate it.
587
00:25:24.814 --> 00:25:26.358 line:5%
[audience laughing]
588
00:25:27.859 --> 00:25:30.445 line:5%
-The pig got, whatever, cut, slaughtered.
-Mmm-hmm.
589
00:25:30.528 --> 00:25:32.864 line:5%
Went to that Wuhan wet market or whatever.
590
00:25:32.948 --> 00:25:33.782 line:5%
Okay.
591
00:25:33.865 --> 00:25:37.327 line:5%
Somebody bought the pig.
The chef took it to a hotel.
592
00:25:37.410 --> 00:25:38.245 line:5%
Okay.
593
00:25:38.328 --> 00:25:42.165 line:5%
Somebody called him
to say, "Compliments to the chef,"
594
00:25:42.249 --> 00:25:44.709 line:5%
so he just wiped his hands,
went and shook hands with him.
595
00:25:44.793 --> 00:25:46.920
Okay, so I just wanna say,
if this is true,
596
00:25:47.003 --> 00:25:50.799
then you are a man of
average intelligence and good information.
597
00:25:50.882 --> 00:25:52.133
[audience laughing]
598
00:25:52.217 --> 00:25:56.137
But if you're fuckin' with me,
then you're a pure genius.
599
00:25:56.221 --> 00:25:57.472
I just love the confidence.
600
00:25:57.555 --> 00:25:59.683
[imitates man 1]
"Bat. Ate the pig. Then the pig…"
601
00:25:59.766 --> 00:26:01.810
[man 2] I'm from India,
stuck in Singapore.
602
00:26:01.893 --> 00:26:04.354
-Plan was to call my wife here.
-Okay.
603
00:26:04.437 --> 00:26:07.357
But suddenly this pandemic thing,
stupid thing came in.
604
00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:08.566
All right, cool.
605
00:26:08.650 --> 00:26:11.319
I know, the virus is very stupid.
We're the smart ones.
606
00:26:11.403 --> 00:26:13.113
[audience laughing]
607
00:26:14.322 --> 00:26:19.119
It is day 9,562,
and the virus continues to endure.
608
00:26:19.202 --> 00:26:21.830
It is like Rocky, part 19.
609
00:26:21.913 --> 00:26:23.915
-[flushing]
-Like, I promise you…
610
00:26:23.999 --> 00:26:26.042
Is somebody in the toilet?
I just heard a flush.
611
00:26:26.126 --> 00:26:28.712
-Did you guys fuckin' hear that shit?
-[audience laughing]
612
00:26:29.713 --> 00:26:31.756
You fuckin' hear that shit?
613
00:26:31.840 --> 00:26:33.883
[woman 1] Someone's in the toilet.
614
00:26:33.967 --> 00:26:36.761
Someone is taking a dump
during my show and it's not me.
615
00:26:38.722 --> 00:26:41.057
[woman 2] This is epic. This is epic.
616
00:26:41.141 --> 00:26:45.729
♪ Me, ma, me, ma, me, ma, me ♪
617
00:26:45.812 --> 00:26:49.816
I'm in Madrid right now.
I, er, dance flamenco here in Spain.
618
00:26:49.899 --> 00:26:51.192
Ooh, nice.
619
00:26:51.276 --> 00:26:54.487
So I'm just waiting
to put on the flamenco shoes.
620
00:26:54.571 --> 00:26:56.906
I think you can do
flamenco dancing socially distanced.
621
00:26:56.990 --> 00:27:00.327
Because flamenco's like a girl who does
that stuff and does the tap, tap, tap,
622
00:27:00.410 --> 00:27:02.412
with her feet. And then two meters away
623
00:27:02.495 --> 00:27:04.873
is just a guy with a guitar
looking at her hornily, right?
624
00:27:04.956 --> 00:27:06.833
That's basically flamenco.
That's what that is.
625
00:27:06.916 --> 00:27:08.126 line:5%
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
626
00:27:08.209 --> 00:27:11.296 line:5%
He's like… [imitates guitar strumming]
That's it, that's the dance.
627
00:27:11.379 --> 00:27:12.797 line:5%
Yeah, lot of sexual tension.
628
00:27:12.881 --> 00:27:15.967
He's like… [imitates guitar strumming]
She's like… [taps feet] "Stay away."
629
00:27:16.051 --> 00:27:18.094
He's like, "But I love you…"
[imitates guitar strumming]
630
00:27:18.178 --> 00:27:20.055
"I can see it in your eyes
that you want me."
631
00:27:20.138 --> 00:27:22.182
She's like, "I will hide my eyes, then."
632
00:27:26.144 --> 00:27:28.980
Tsk. So, two nights ago, er…
633
00:27:29.731 --> 00:27:32.317 line:5%
We begin with funny man Vir Das,
634
00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:35.028 line:5%
whose neighbour
threatened to cough on him.
635
00:27:35.111 --> 00:27:38.823
Probably the craziest night
I've ever had in Mumbai. Er…
636
00:27:38.907 --> 00:27:40.325
The older gentleman sneezed on me.
637
00:27:40.408 --> 00:27:42.786
Er, and we're okay. You know, we…
638
00:27:42.869 --> 00:27:44.788
We sorted it out. We're friends now.
639
00:27:44.871 --> 00:27:46.539
But I'm just gonna tell you the story.
640
00:27:50.001 --> 00:27:51.044
[clicks tongue]
641
00:27:52.087 --> 00:27:54.672
Sneezing on someone
is such a fuckin' intimate act, you know?
642
00:27:54.756 --> 00:27:59.094
It requires, like, consent and proximity,
neither one of which I gave.
643
00:27:59.177 --> 00:28:00.595
[audience laughing]
644
00:28:01.679 --> 00:28:03.181
I wanted to…
645
00:28:03.765 --> 00:28:06.351
He was like, "You'll be haunted,"
and I didn't respond to that.
646
00:28:06.434 --> 00:28:07.811
'Cause I'm very scared of ghosts.
647
00:28:07.894 --> 00:28:09.938
I've had, like,
a ghost experience in my life.
648
00:28:10.730 --> 00:28:12.982
Like, it was in college where, er…
649
00:28:13.066 --> 00:28:17.904
[chuckles] I was… I was lying on my bed
and I felt somebody sit down on the bed.
650
00:28:17.987 --> 00:28:19.823
There was nobody else on the bed.
651
00:28:19.906 --> 00:28:24.119
And I knew there was a ghost in the room.
And then in my ear, I heard somebody go,
652
00:28:24.911 --> 00:28:26.996
[hoarse whisper] "Do you have any ganja?"
653
00:28:27.080 --> 00:28:28.623
[audience laughing]
654
00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:32.293
And I was like, "What?"
655
00:28:32.377 --> 00:28:35.422
And the ghost was like,
"Yeah, bro, you have any stash?"
656
00:28:37.424 --> 00:28:39.342
"There's no stash in heaven."
657
00:28:39.426 --> 00:28:41.970
And I was like,
"Why is there no stash in heaven?"
658
00:28:42.053 --> 00:28:46.349
And he was like, "Think about it, bro.
Plants can't grow on clouds."
659
00:28:46.433 --> 00:28:47.892
[audience laughing]
660
00:28:49.811 --> 00:28:51.396
And I never thought about that before.
661
00:28:51.479 --> 00:28:54.232
Plants can't grow on clouds.
Do you know what that means?
662
00:28:54.315 --> 00:28:56.359
There are no vegetarians in heaven.
663
00:28:56.943 --> 00:28:58.903
[audience laughing]
664
00:28:58.987 --> 00:29:01.239
I think that's why
they call it heaven. Er…
665
00:29:01.322 --> 00:29:02.741
[audience laughing]
666
00:29:02.824 --> 00:29:04.993
And I called my lawyer
in the middle of the night
667
00:29:05.076 --> 00:29:07.162
and she's like,
"This happened. Put it up."
668
00:29:07.245 --> 00:29:12.292
And now, every single
news outlet and Twitter outlet,
669
00:29:12.375 --> 00:29:15.670
and we're on
the fuckin' TV, is carrying this.
670
00:29:17.213 --> 00:29:20.508
And I'm positioning like I have
a sense of humour about it, right?
671
00:29:21.760 --> 00:29:23.970
I have to get a fuckin' COVID test now.
672
00:29:24.053 --> 00:29:25.764
He pulled down his mask and he was like…
673
00:29:25.847 --> 00:29:26.973
He was like… Achew!
674
00:29:27.056 --> 00:29:28.850
Like, that's what happened.
675
00:29:28.933 --> 00:29:30.185
[audience laughing]
676
00:29:30.268 --> 00:29:33.605
It was really sweet. Like that was
the sneeze. He was like… Achew!
677
00:29:36.858 --> 00:29:38.860
I feel like what happened was,
in his mind,
678
00:29:38.943 --> 00:29:40.737
he was like, "I'm gonna sneeze on him,"
679
00:29:40.820 --> 00:29:43.573
and his body was like,
"No, you're gonna cough on him."
680
00:29:43.656 --> 00:29:44.699
[audience laughing]
681
00:29:44.783 --> 00:29:46.117
And then it just got combined.
682
00:29:46.201 --> 00:29:47.869
Your body will do that sometimes.
683
00:29:47.952 --> 00:29:49.662
You're like, "I'm gonna laugh,"
684
00:29:49.746 --> 00:29:53.041
and your body is like, "No, you're gonna
fart and shit your pants a little bit."
685
00:29:53.124 --> 00:29:54.167
[audience laughing]
686
00:29:54.250 --> 00:29:56.586
And I'm a comic.
I know my job. I'm a comic.
687
00:29:56.669 --> 00:29:59.255
I will take this shit
and I will write jokes about it.
688
00:29:59.339 --> 00:30:01.674
Everybody said,
"Why didn't you hit the man?"
689
00:30:01.758 --> 00:30:06.554
And the only thing I can think of
is somewhere in my mind and in my body,
690
00:30:06.638 --> 00:30:09.641
I was like,
"Don't do this. I have a future."
691
00:30:09.724 --> 00:30:12.811
I can't get cancelled right now.
I have a future.
692
00:30:13.478 --> 00:30:16.564
How do I even talk to a therapist
about this? They'd be like…
693
00:30:17.398 --> 00:30:19.984
"Yeah, I'm just gonna
refund this session because…
694
00:30:20.902 --> 00:30:25.031
they did not teach me this
at the University of… Bughtown."
695
00:30:26.574 --> 00:30:27.742
Bughtown?
696
00:30:28.827 --> 00:30:31.454
It's such a pain in the ass
to be 40 years old
697
00:30:31.538 --> 00:30:33.957
and now find out
that you're a fuckin' optimist.
698
00:30:34.040 --> 00:30:35.416
[audience laughing]
699
00:30:38.044 --> 00:30:40.004
You know,
it's like finding out you're diabetic,
700
00:30:40.088 --> 00:30:41.714
you know what I mean, it's like…
701
00:30:41.798 --> 00:30:44.634
"Oh, I have to change
my whole life now, man. Fuck!"
702
00:30:46.469 --> 00:30:49.347
"I have to give up stuff that I like,
sugar and self-pity."
703
00:30:51.099 --> 00:30:53.226 line:5%
[woman] No, no, but I'm American.
704
00:30:53.309 --> 00:30:56.563 line:5%
An American who is in Delhi,
so I'm from outside of the country.
705
00:30:56.646 --> 00:30:59.649 line:5%
Nice! Yeah, so how long
have you been a refugee?
706
00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:03.111 line:5%
[woman] Almost three years now.
707
00:31:03.194 --> 00:31:05.655 line:5%
Almost three years.
And what's your line of work?
708
00:31:06.614 --> 00:31:08.575 line:5%
[woman] It's, erm, an adjustment.
709
00:31:08.658 --> 00:31:10.952 line:5%
I'm not okay
with the locusts coming our way.
710
00:31:11.035 --> 00:31:12.245 line:5%
I'm not okay with that.
711
00:31:12.328 --> 00:31:15.290 line:5%
I can survive the heat,
I can survive the dust storms,
712
00:31:15.373 --> 00:31:16.791 line:5%
I can survive the politics,
713
00:31:16.875 --> 00:31:19.294 line:5%
but I draw the line at biblical plagues.
714
00:31:20.336 --> 00:31:23.923 line:5%
Okay, cool. Like every American,
that was not the answer to my question,
715
00:31:24.007 --> 00:31:26.050
-and too much information.
-[audience laughing]
716
00:31:26.134 --> 00:31:28.094
I had asked you
what your line of work was.
717
00:31:28.177 --> 00:31:29.429
What do you do for a living?
718
00:31:29.512 --> 00:31:30.930 line:5%
[woman] I am a travel agent.
719
00:31:31.014 --> 00:31:33.683 line:5%
We actually got
4,000 American citizens out.
720
00:31:33.766 --> 00:31:36.269 line:5%
We arranged flights for each one of them.
721
00:31:37.186 --> 00:31:39.105
Well done! Give her a round of applause.
722
00:31:39.188 --> 00:31:41.232
That's well done to you.
That's great, you know?
723
00:31:41.316 --> 00:31:42.483 line:5%
[all clapping]
724
00:31:42.567 --> 00:31:45.612 line:5%
You know, just taking them out of India,
where there are very few cases,
725
00:31:45.695 --> 00:31:47.322
and sending them to America.
726
00:31:47.405 --> 00:31:49.032
[audience laughing]
727
00:31:51.367 --> 00:31:52.827
[laughs] Good for you.
728
00:31:54.662 --> 00:31:57.832
Taking them from India
where hydroxychloroquine costs 20 rupees,
729
00:31:57.916 --> 00:31:59.208
to America…
730
00:32:00.752 --> 00:32:03.212
where the medical insurance
system is not flawed at all
731
00:32:03.296 --> 00:32:06.090
to charge you 3,000%
of what the medicine actually costs.
732
00:32:06.174 --> 00:32:08.176
[woman] But I chose to stay.
733
00:32:08.259 --> 00:32:09.552
-[man] Paris.
-[Vir Das] You're in Paris?
734
00:32:09.636 --> 00:32:12.013
How is the situation in Paris?
It's opening up, right?
735
00:32:12.096 --> 00:32:15.016 line:5%
There are no tourists and everywhere
is free, so it's a lot of fun.
736
00:32:16.017 --> 00:32:19.479
Don't act like a fuckin' French person
and be all egocentric about this shit.
737
00:32:20.605 --> 00:32:23.524
That you have a… To say shit like that,
you have to have a French accent.
738
00:32:23.608 --> 00:32:26.653
[in French accent] "It is lovely,
there are no tourists, I can smoke and…"
739
00:32:27.862 --> 00:32:31.032
"I can have this existential misery
that is so typically French."
740
00:32:31.115 --> 00:32:32.158
[in normal voice] Like, that's…
741
00:32:32.241 --> 00:32:34.202 line:5%
But you're like,
"No, there are no tourists,
742
00:32:34.285 --> 00:32:37.830 line:5%
we're liking it very much,
Paris is beautiful." Like, it's that…
743
00:32:37.914 --> 00:32:41.042
You're too friendly to pull off
French smugness, I'm sorry.
744
00:32:41.125 --> 00:32:44.087
[woman 1] I'm from Melbourne.
Kind of confused as to what I want to do.
745
00:32:44.170 --> 00:32:45.713
Okay. I'm moving on. I can't hear you.
746
00:32:45.797 --> 00:32:47.632
I'm sorry.
We don't have this kind of time.
747
00:32:47.715 --> 00:32:49.217
A, these tickets don't cost enough
748
00:32:49.300 --> 00:32:51.678
for me to get into therapy
with people and shit.
749
00:32:51.761 --> 00:32:53.012
This is 4.99 for charity.
750
00:32:53.096 --> 00:32:56.808
-[woman 2] We're from Lagos.
-[Vir Das] You're in Nigeria right now?
751
00:32:56.891 --> 00:32:59.143
What time is it right now in Africa?
752
00:33:01.187 --> 00:33:03.898
Those are two thumbs up,
but can you tell the time? [chuckles]
753
00:33:03.982 --> 00:33:06.067
[all laughing]
754
00:33:06.150 --> 00:33:08.236
[woman 3] I'm an anthropologist.
All three of us are.
755
00:33:08.319 --> 00:33:12.824 line:5%
Fuckin' hell! That is, like,
the weirdest threesome I've ever seen.
756
00:33:12.907 --> 00:33:15.076 line:5%
No. It's just a strange… I'm just saying…
757
00:33:15.159 --> 00:33:18.454 line:5%
that if the guy on the left
developed an alcohol problem,
758
00:33:18.538 --> 00:33:21.624 line:5%
he'd become the guy on the right.
You know what I mean, it's…
759
00:33:22.750 --> 00:33:25.169
Maybe I should just
do the show like this, haan?
760
00:33:25.878 --> 00:33:26.963
Hey, guys. Er…
761
00:33:27.046 --> 00:33:30.299
Lockdown's going really well. [laughs]
762
00:33:30.383 --> 00:33:31.467
[inhales]
763
00:33:31.551 --> 00:33:35.638
I will clean myself up.
I am gonna make some people laugh.
764
00:33:35.722 --> 00:33:36.556
[Sharique] Sheesha.
765
00:33:36.639 --> 00:33:38.057
[Vir Das] Sheesha is not available to you?
766
00:33:38.141 --> 00:33:40.309
I'm staying with a kid, four months old.
767
00:33:40.393 --> 00:33:41.561
I cannot bring that home.
768
00:33:41.644 --> 00:33:43.521
And your kid does not like doing sheesha?
769
00:33:43.604 --> 00:33:44.814
[audience laughing]
770
00:33:46.399 --> 00:33:47.900
-Sheesha…
-[Sharique] Definitely not.
771
00:33:47.984 --> 00:33:50.111
Sheesha is not
a good substitute for a mother's teat?
772
00:33:52.488 --> 00:33:54.449
-[laughing]
-[Sharique] Definitely not.
773
00:33:56.075 --> 00:33:57.952
Listen, beta, we've got… [laughs]
774
00:33:59.829 --> 00:34:02.582
Listen, beta,
we've got no lactose, but try this apple.
775
00:34:02.665 --> 00:34:03.666
[inhales deeply]
776
00:34:04.417 --> 00:34:08.254 line:5%
Cough freely without being conscious
that somebody's gonna judge you.
777
00:34:08.337 --> 00:34:11.007 line:5%
I work for an airline.
778
00:34:11.090 --> 00:34:12.884 line:5%
It's a good place to be coughing.
779
00:34:12.967 --> 00:34:14.093 line:5%
[all laughing]
780
00:34:14.177 --> 00:34:17.096 line:5%
Are you cabin crew,
or do you work in, like, the offices?
781
00:34:17.180 --> 00:34:18.765 line:5%
-Er, the office.
-All right, great.
782
00:34:18.848 --> 00:34:19.932 line:5%
Working from home.
783
00:34:20.016 --> 00:34:21.809
Nice. Because you just
don't want cabin crew
784
00:34:21.893 --> 00:34:23.895
like… [coughing] "Veg or non-veg,"
coming down the aisle.
785
00:34:23.978 --> 00:34:25.730 line:5%
[audience laughing]
786
00:34:25.813 --> 00:34:28.149
[woman] I've come from China.
I need to go back.
787
00:34:28.232 --> 00:34:29.859 line:5%
So the first thing I need to do
788
00:34:29.942 --> 00:34:33.362 line:5%
is go to the airport,
take a flight and go back home.
789
00:34:33.446 --> 00:34:36.032
Okay. And when
did the mental problem start?
790
00:34:36.115 --> 00:34:37.658 line:5%
[audience laughing]
791
00:34:39.619 --> 00:34:41.621
You're trying to get back into China?
792
00:34:41.704 --> 00:34:43.664 line:5%
They shut borders to the world, like…
793
00:34:43.748 --> 00:34:45.958 line:5%
Wow, that's like all of their history.
794
00:34:46.042 --> 00:34:47.210 line:5%
[audience laughing]
795
00:34:48.711 --> 00:34:50.588
Today is, er…
796
00:34:51.631 --> 00:34:54.258
hmm, a bit of a crazy day. I, er…
797
00:34:55.176 --> 00:34:58.262
I got featured in a magazine called Q.
798
00:34:58.346 --> 00:35:00.473
Much of my idols were on there.
799
00:35:00.556 --> 00:35:03.476
Like Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres
800
00:35:03.559 --> 00:35:07.021
and Letterman
and Chappelle and Chris Rock, etc.
801
00:35:07.105 --> 00:35:09.732
I had like a small feature. And…
802
00:35:10.608 --> 00:35:13.486
I was reading the bigger features
803
00:35:13.569 --> 00:35:18.616
and I saw Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock
talking to each other in a café.
804
00:35:19.617 --> 00:35:23.204
And they… talked about me.
805
00:35:26.624 --> 00:35:28.668
As in, I came up.
806
00:35:28.751 --> 00:35:31.546
It wasn't like
they got together… [chuckles]
807
00:35:32.213 --> 00:35:34.507
[imitates Chris Rock]
"Jerry, we got to talk about Vir."
808
00:35:34.590 --> 00:35:35.883
No. No, that's…
809
00:35:35.967 --> 00:35:39.345
They're talking about
many things and I happen to come up.
810
00:35:39.428 --> 00:35:41.556
Jerry Seinfeld told Chris Rock,
811
00:35:41.639 --> 00:35:44.308
erm, "I saw this Indian guy, Vir Das."
812
00:35:44.934 --> 00:35:47.645
"Saw some of his stuff.
He's a really funny guy."
813
00:35:51.899 --> 00:35:53.025
Across the world.
814
00:35:54.068 --> 00:35:55.486
I'm sitting in…
815
00:35:57.530 --> 00:35:59.866
a 100 square-foot room in Bandra.
816
00:35:59.949 --> 00:36:03.035
And… in a café in New York…
817
00:36:04.120 --> 00:36:08.374
Jerry Seinfeld is
telling Chris Rock… that I'm funny.
818
00:36:08.457 --> 00:36:11.669
Vir actually turns, er, 36…
819
00:36:11.752 --> 00:36:13.880
-erm, on Sunday.
-No, fuck off, Kavi.
820
00:36:13.963 --> 00:36:16.632
-I wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to him.
-No, don't do this shit.
821
00:36:16.716 --> 00:36:18.759
Please don't do this shit.
It's embarrassing.
822
00:36:18.843 --> 00:36:20.761
One, two, three.
823
00:36:20.845 --> 00:36:25.224
[all singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
824
00:36:25.308 --> 00:36:29.645
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
825
00:36:29.729 --> 00:36:31.564
It's my birthday tomorrow.
826
00:36:31.647 --> 00:36:33.107
[indistinct singing]
827
00:36:33.733 --> 00:36:34.817
In this moment…
828
00:36:36.444 --> 00:36:38.196
I feel eight years old.
829
00:36:38.279 --> 00:36:40.615
Isha Paliwal,
is this your lovely baby in the frame?
830
00:36:40.698 --> 00:36:42.742
No, I'm her aunt.
831
00:36:42.825 --> 00:36:44.493
Okay, great. That's somebody else's baby
832
00:36:44.577 --> 00:36:47.121
that you have
put on camera without their consent.
833
00:36:47.205 --> 00:36:48.956
[all laughing]
834
00:36:49.040 --> 00:36:50.875
She's just your youngest fan.
835
00:36:51.500 --> 00:36:52.376
[woman] Aw…
836
00:36:52.460 --> 00:36:53.294
I…
837
00:36:53.377 --> 00:36:55.630
How am I supposed
to communicate with the baby?
838
00:36:55.713 --> 00:36:57.757
What do you think
is gonna happen right now?
839
00:36:58.341 --> 00:37:00.551
Oh, well, she can reply, "Hmm, hmm, hmm…"
840
00:37:01.385 --> 00:37:03.054
Great, er…
841
00:37:03.137 --> 00:37:04.388
[audience laughing]
842
00:37:07.767 --> 00:37:08.893
Hello, baby.
843
00:37:13.189 --> 00:37:17.026
Thank you, baby,
for watching this Zoom call.
844
00:37:18.986 --> 00:37:22.698
And I apologize, baby,
for the pandemic that is out there
845
00:37:22.782 --> 00:37:25.993
even though you don't
fuckin' know what a pandemic is.
846
00:37:26.077 --> 00:37:27.495
[audience laughing]
847
00:37:28.371 --> 00:37:31.874
It's not working, Isha.
I tried, all right? Fuckin' hell. This…
848
00:37:31.958 --> 00:37:34.961
Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no. I'm very sorry.
849
00:37:35.044 --> 00:37:38.256
Like, I'm really good on feedback
and trying to improve my craft,
850
00:37:38.339 --> 00:37:40.591
but this fuckin' baby
is a bad audience member.
851
00:37:40.675 --> 00:37:42.343
All right. That's what I'm gonna say.
852
00:37:42.426 --> 00:37:44.095
This baby is a terrible audience member
853
00:37:44.178 --> 00:37:46.264
and does not belong
at a stand-up comedy show.
854
00:37:46.347 --> 00:37:49.308
-[Yuvan] London.
-You're in London right now?
855
00:37:49.392 --> 00:37:50.726
This is your lovely friend, or…
856
00:37:50.810 --> 00:37:53.271
This is my lovely friend.
Her name's Emily.
857
00:37:53.354 --> 00:37:55.773
-Emily, you guys are seeing each other?
-Absolutely.
858
00:37:55.856 --> 00:37:57.942
Great, and, er, marriage on the cards?
859
00:37:58.025 --> 00:37:59.235
Oh, gosh, no.
860
00:37:59.318 --> 00:38:01.279
-Oh…
-[all laughing]
861
00:38:03.281 --> 00:38:05.283
I've never had a breakup on Zoom before.
862
00:38:05.366 --> 00:38:07.994
I think this might be
my first, guys. This is great.
863
00:38:08.077 --> 00:38:10.871
"Oh, fuck, no."
He couldn't control it, you know?
864
00:38:10.955 --> 00:38:13.165
Emily, you like this Indian man, yeah?
865
00:38:13.249 --> 00:38:14.917
Well, not right now, no.
866
00:38:15.001 --> 00:38:16.419
[all laughing]
867
00:38:19.547 --> 00:38:23.050
Oh, Yuvan, enjoy the other bedroom
and/or sofa tonight.
868
00:38:24.885 --> 00:38:27.930
So every time I do a show,
er, when you open the door,
869
00:38:28.014 --> 00:38:30.349
I'm gonna show you what happens. Er…
870
00:38:30.433 --> 00:38:33.811
First thing when you open the door.
You ready? Hang on.
871
00:38:33.894 --> 00:38:35.563
Let me put this viewfinder…
872
00:38:36.647 --> 00:38:38.649
This is the door to my study.
873
00:38:38.733 --> 00:38:41.193
Every time you open that door…
874
00:38:41.986 --> 00:38:44.238
what you see… [chuckles]
875
00:38:44.322 --> 00:38:47.116
is the one audience member
who has watched…
876
00:38:47.867 --> 00:38:49.160
many, many shows.
877
00:38:49.243 --> 00:38:52.163
Which one of you is Smarnika, because if…
878
00:38:52.246 --> 00:38:54.040 line:5%
-This one.
-I said that.
879
00:38:54.123 --> 00:38:56.417
Because if the three of you are Smarnika,
880
00:38:56.500 --> 00:38:58.461
then it's like one of those
OSHO ashram things,
881
00:38:58.544 --> 00:39:00.629 line:5%
you know what I mean? Like you are…
882
00:39:00.713 --> 00:39:02.631 line:5%
"All women are Smarnika."
883
00:39:02.715 --> 00:39:04.008 line:5%
[all laughing]
884
00:39:04.091 --> 00:39:06.844 line:5%
"You must find your inner Smarnika."
885
00:39:08.346 --> 00:39:10.348
"Release your Smarnika." Oh.
886
00:39:10.431 --> 00:39:12.308 line:5%
[audience laughing]
887
00:39:12.391 --> 00:39:16.437
It's so strange that, you know,
the western sexual revolution
888
00:39:16.520 --> 00:39:19.607
throughout history
has been driven by Indian men
889
00:39:19.690 --> 00:39:22.777 line:5%
who, back home, nobody
wanted to fuck in the first place.
890
00:39:24.278 --> 00:39:26.739
-[woman] I'm in Bombay.
-You're in Bombay.
891
00:39:26.822 --> 00:39:28.908
I wanna have Thai food
so I'll go to Nara Thai.
892
00:39:28.991 --> 00:39:30.368
Like, they fry the betel leaf
893
00:39:30.451 --> 00:39:33.788
and then there's this
chutney type thing that comes along
894
00:39:33.871 --> 00:39:35.206
which is amazing.
895
00:39:35.289 --> 00:39:36.207
[laughs]
896
00:39:36.290 --> 00:39:40.169
What the… Okay, I'm not gonna pretend
to know. What the fuck is a betel leaf?
897
00:39:40.252 --> 00:39:42.380
[man] Paan ka patta.
898
00:39:42.463 --> 00:39:44.757
[in Hindi] You should've said that.
"Woman from Thane."
899
00:39:44.840 --> 00:39:46.509
[all laughing]
900
00:39:46.592 --> 00:39:49.136
[in English] "I'll have
a betel leaf." [laughs]
901
00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:50.554
[all laughing]
902
00:39:51.680 --> 00:39:53.015
Paan patta. Paan.
903
00:39:53.099 --> 00:39:54.975
[audience laughing]
904
00:39:55.059 --> 00:39:57.228
[in Hindi] Say, "Paan," not betel leaf.
905
00:39:57.311 --> 00:39:58.854
[in English] I love it, man.
906
00:40:00.022 --> 00:40:04.151
I feel… Betel leaf sounds like a safe word
during sex, you know what I mean?
907
00:40:04.235 --> 00:40:05.736
[audience laughing]
908
00:40:05.820 --> 00:40:08.239
You know,
couples have safe words, you know?
909
00:40:08.322 --> 00:40:10.366
I feel like,
she sticks a finger up your ass,
910
00:40:10.449 --> 00:40:12.493
you'll be like, "Betel leaf, betel leaf."
911
00:40:12.576 --> 00:40:13.994
[audience laughing]
912
00:40:14.078 --> 00:40:16.080
And when she doesn't get it, you're like,
913
00:40:16.163 --> 00:40:18.666
"Paan ka patta,
paan ka patta. Pull it out."
914
00:40:18.749 --> 00:40:20.418
[audience laughing]
915
00:40:21.001 --> 00:40:22.086
Last show.
916
00:40:24.296 --> 00:40:25.297
I am, er…
917
00:40:27.049 --> 00:40:28.259
leaving tomorrow.
918
00:40:28.342 --> 00:40:31.887
-[man] Live the same way.
-Er, Malhar Broker?
919
00:40:31.971 --> 00:40:35.141
-Yeah.
-Okay, is your last name "Broker"?
920
00:40:35.224 --> 00:40:38.477
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
-Are you a broker?
921
00:40:38.561 --> 00:40:39.687
Er, no.
922
00:40:39.770 --> 00:40:42.398
No, of course, yeah,
why would you be? That's, yeah…
923
00:40:43.607 --> 00:40:46.902
Cool. No, my last name is Das
and I'm not a servant. It's okay.
924
00:40:46.986 --> 00:40:48.571
[audience laughing]
925
00:40:49.864 --> 00:40:51.365
All right. Malhar, what do you do?
926
00:40:51.449 --> 00:40:53.617
I'm a baker now.
927
00:40:54.493 --> 00:40:55.703
[Vir Das laughing]
928
00:40:56.620 --> 00:40:59.206
-You're called Broker Baker? Broker…
-[audience laughing]
929
00:40:59.290 --> 00:41:00.833
[Malhar] Nice name.
930
00:41:00.916 --> 00:41:02.126
Broker Baker.
931
00:41:02.209 --> 00:41:05.379
You're just gonna go out
and bake more bread for the city of…
932
00:41:05.463 --> 00:41:07.173
-Mumbai?
-Ahmedabad.
933
00:41:07.256 --> 00:41:11.969
Of Ahmedabad?
You're… You're in a bakery in Gujarat?
934
00:41:12.052 --> 00:41:13.429
Yeah.
935
00:41:13.512 --> 00:41:14.722
[audience laughing]
936
00:41:18.392 --> 00:41:21.896
I don't think I have to say it.
But I think you know what I'm thinking of.
937
00:41:21.979 --> 00:41:23.314
[all laughing]
938
00:41:23.397 --> 00:41:25.983
I'm just gonna move on
really, really quickly.
939
00:41:26.066 --> 00:41:29.778
[man] I don't know how to go to settings,
to get out of privacy thing.
940
00:41:29.862 --> 00:41:31.405
[all laughing]
941
00:41:31.947 --> 00:41:35.659
Er, so, Uncle, what you do is,
you go to the top right.
942
00:41:35.743 --> 00:41:38.537
I can't believe… Ishaan, why do
I have to explain technology
943
00:41:38.621 --> 00:41:40.206
to your fuckin' parents, dude?
944
00:41:40.289 --> 00:41:41.582
[audience laughing]
945
00:41:42.458 --> 00:41:44.084
Dad, it's on the top right.
946
00:41:45.169 --> 00:41:47.505
"Dad, it's on the top right."
947
00:41:47.588 --> 00:41:51.926
[man] Son, I did that.
I just switched in the start window.
948
00:41:52.009 --> 00:41:54.220
Ishaan, he did that shit.
949
00:41:54.303 --> 00:41:55.888
[all laughing]
950
00:41:55.971 --> 00:41:57.473
[man] This sounds complex.
951
00:41:57.556 --> 00:41:58.641
It's very complex.
952
00:41:58.724 --> 00:42:00.893
Ishaan, you should've
trained your parents better.
953
00:42:00.976 --> 00:42:03.479
-I'm just saying, all right?
-I know, I know.
954
00:42:03.562 --> 00:42:06.899
-[Vir Das] What did your mom want?
-[Aneyant] She wanted to watch it, too.
955
00:42:06.982 --> 00:42:09.151
Of course she's welcome
to watch it, don't be silly.
956
00:42:09.235 --> 00:42:12.696
If she wants to sit down and… yeah. Er…
957
00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:15.407
Why am I trying to peek
like I can see through your…
958
00:42:15.491 --> 00:42:17.034
[all laughing]
959
00:42:17.117 --> 00:42:19.036
Hi, Aunty. Why am I bending again?
960
00:42:21.956 --> 00:42:26.627
Good evening. Your son
is learning a lot in this show. Er…
961
00:42:28.837 --> 00:42:30.839
Aunty, do you know about the girlfriend?
962
00:42:32.466 --> 00:42:34.343
Yeah, I… I have some, erm…
963
00:42:34.426 --> 00:42:35.553
You know.
964
00:42:35.636 --> 00:42:37.263
[all laughing]
965
00:42:38.639 --> 00:42:40.933
This is gonna be
a silent fuckin' dinner at home, right?
966
00:42:41.016 --> 00:42:44.812
"You embarrassed the shit outta me, Mom.
In front of that old-ass comedian."
967
00:42:44.895 --> 00:42:45.729
[audience laughing]
968
00:42:45.813 --> 00:42:48.482
He's a sweet kid. He was.
969
00:42:48.566 --> 00:42:50.568
[Vir Das] Cole. Nicole, er… Shiflet?
970
00:42:50.651 --> 00:42:52.278
Hey, I'm a healthcare worker.
971
00:42:52.361 --> 00:42:54.905
You're a healthcare worker?
Round of applause, immediately.
972
00:42:54.989 --> 00:42:56.907
Let's do it, come on, guys. Well done.
973
00:42:59.326 --> 00:43:01.954
So is Dr. Sujay Jaju with us this evening?
974
00:43:02.037 --> 00:43:03.289
-Yes.
-Are you here, sir?
975
00:43:03.372 --> 00:43:05.249
You know,
I say that in public all the time,
976
00:43:05.332 --> 00:43:08.294
just to get a round of applause.
That's what I do.
977
00:43:08.377 --> 00:43:09.670
You're isolated in Mumbai
978
00:43:09.753 --> 00:43:12.298
and you're watching my show
as you're isolated in Mumbai.
979
00:43:12.381 --> 00:43:13.841
[Sujay] Yes, I am.
980
00:43:13.924 --> 00:43:16.594
Er, and so, this is your day off?
981
00:43:16.677 --> 00:43:19.138
-It is. I'm a night shifter.
-You're a night shifter.
982
00:43:19.221 --> 00:43:21.390
I work in the emergency department.
I'm a paramedic.
983
00:43:21.473 --> 00:43:24.852
How are you feeling?
I'll begin by asking, how's your health?
984
00:43:24.935 --> 00:43:26.353
Er, it's improving each day.
985
00:43:26.437 --> 00:43:30.316
Like, I had a bit of fever and also stuff…
COVID-related complex…
986
00:43:30.399 --> 00:43:32.610
But I am doing great. Yeah.
987
00:43:32.693 --> 00:43:34.862
You're a paramedic in the ER?
988
00:43:34.945 --> 00:43:39.867
God, so you've had a long,
I imagine, three months, right?
989
00:43:39.950 --> 00:43:42.911
-Yeah. For sure.
-And I imagine you've seen some stuff.
990
00:43:42.995 --> 00:43:45.289
Do you know how you got it?
Where you got it?
991
00:43:45.372 --> 00:43:47.875
[Sujay] Er, actually,
I was posted in COVID duty.
992
00:43:47.958 --> 00:43:51.086
I was posted in
medicine merge for over a month.
993
00:43:51.170 --> 00:43:54.673
So, I might have contracted,
er, the infection over there.
994
00:43:54.757 --> 00:43:57.468
But I know that I'll come back stronger.
995
00:43:57.551 --> 00:44:00.054
Sir, I promise you two things, all right?
996
00:44:00.137 --> 00:44:03.682
Well, tonight's show
is entirely dedicated to you.
997
00:44:03.766 --> 00:44:06.352
You have my word as an artist
that I will make sure it reaches
998
00:44:06.435 --> 00:44:08.687
the maximum amount of people
that I can make it reach.
999
00:44:09.647 --> 00:44:13.067
It is your day off
and I'm gonna give every
1000
00:44:14.193 --> 00:44:16.779
ounce of my being to make sure
that you have a good day today.
1001
00:44:16.862 --> 00:44:19.490
Yeah, it's definitely
not as scary as we think.
1002
00:44:19.573 --> 00:44:23.869
Actually, it's been made
a lot, er, scarier by the people.
1003
00:44:23.952 --> 00:44:26.288
-We all know the basics of this thing.
-[Sujay] Yeah.
1004
00:44:26.372 --> 00:44:28.832
Wash your hands,
don't touch your face, touch your balls.
1005
00:44:28.916 --> 00:44:30.459
-Exactly.
-We all know the…
1006
00:44:30.542 --> 00:44:31.543
[audience laughing]
1007
00:44:31.627 --> 00:44:33.087
Obviously.
1008
00:44:33.170 --> 00:44:34.254
[audience laughing]
1009
00:44:34.838 --> 00:44:37.800
You're in isolation.
You understand as well, Doctor.
1010
00:44:37.883 --> 00:44:39.134
[Sujay] Yeah.
1011
00:44:39.218 --> 00:44:40.761
Thank you for everything you're doing.
1012
00:44:40.844 --> 00:44:42.179
Don't be silly.
1013
00:44:42.262 --> 00:44:45.015
Look, the entire show is in Hindi. Erm…
1014
00:44:45.099 --> 00:44:46.725
[audience laughing]
1015
00:44:49.853 --> 00:44:50.896
I, erm…
1016
00:44:51.689 --> 00:44:53.399
Erm…
1017
00:44:55.192 --> 00:44:58.487
Twelve years now, and it takes a lot
to surprise me in this profession.
1018
00:45:00.739 --> 00:45:03.242
We started doing
these shows because we had to.
1019
00:45:03.325 --> 00:45:06.120
For charity. And it was important and…
1020
00:45:06.203 --> 00:45:07.955
I was a little bit cranky about it
1021
00:45:08.038 --> 00:45:10.332
because I was like,
"I don't know if this'll work."
1022
00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:15.838
For the first time,
I'm looking into my audience's houses.
1023
00:45:16.547 --> 00:45:18.799
That's a very weird thing
to happen as an artist,
1024
00:45:18.882 --> 00:45:22.928
you know, where the soundtrack
to my life has been laughter.
1025
00:45:23.470 --> 00:45:25.055
Every evening, I hear laughter.
1026
00:45:26.932 --> 00:45:32.604
And I never thought that I would hear
this much laughter in a lockdown.
1027
00:45:33.647 --> 00:45:37.693
For the first time,
I can see you, and your life.
1028
00:45:37.776 --> 00:45:40.571
As opposed to you
just coming and seeing me.
1029
00:45:41.155 --> 00:45:42.197
From…
1030
00:45:42.906 --> 00:45:44.491
everywhere in the world.
1031
00:45:44.575 --> 00:45:46.243
So I… I thank you.
1032
00:45:46.326 --> 00:45:49.538
Because, erm… So it's really strange.
1033
00:45:49.621 --> 00:45:54.126
I've been performing for you over
a decade, but it's like we've just met.
1034
00:45:55.085 --> 00:45:57.796
You know, this show is for charity
and we've raised money,
1035
00:45:57.880 --> 00:46:00.507
and I hope you've had
a good time as well, but…
1036
00:46:00.591 --> 00:46:02.926
it is deeply…
1037
00:46:04.219 --> 00:46:05.846
meaningful to me,
1038
00:46:05.929 --> 00:46:09.308
to be able to practice
my art form in this.
1039
00:46:09.391 --> 00:46:11.977
You know, it's not when
there's a cure, it's when…
1040
00:46:12.060 --> 00:46:17.441
It's when you no longer fear death,
I, as an artist, get to live again.
1041
00:46:17.524 --> 00:46:20.027
And that's very ironic. To wait on that.
1042
00:46:20.777 --> 00:46:22.154
And not drown.
1043
00:46:23.530 --> 00:46:24.531
Or get rusty.
1044
00:46:26.533 --> 00:46:29.286
And the fact that we have
a healthcare worker today, I…
1045
00:46:29.369 --> 00:46:33.624
I don't think that this could be
more perfect to wrap it up, because…
1046
00:46:35.083 --> 00:46:37.002
This is my last show.
1047
00:46:39.254 --> 00:46:40.130
Erm…
1048
00:46:41.465 --> 00:46:44.051
It's true.
'Cause we leave Bombay tomorrow.
1049
00:46:47.429 --> 00:46:51.350
I should… I should
show you the room. Why the fuck not?
1050
00:46:53.185 --> 00:46:58.398
This is where I've lived for the last few…
1051
00:46:58.899 --> 00:47:01.235
That's the desk. Erm…
1052
00:47:02.653 --> 00:47:05.322
It's kind of a wall with all my posters.
1053
00:47:07.991 --> 00:47:10.619
That's my books and my hats.
1054
00:47:16.083 --> 00:47:17.209
And tomorrow…
1055
00:47:18.085 --> 00:47:21.630
I hope the universe pays you
and every healthcare worker
1056
00:47:21.713 --> 00:47:24.466
tenfold, ten thousand fold.
1057
00:47:24.550 --> 00:47:26.677
And thank you for everything that you do.
1058
00:47:26.760 --> 00:47:30.138
And thank you so much
for watching the show tonight, guys.
1059
00:47:30.222 --> 00:47:31.807
I hope you had a good time.
1060
00:47:31.890 --> 00:47:33.517
[soft guitar music playing]
1061
00:47:34.810 --> 00:47:35.811
Bye.
1062
00:47:45.946 --> 00:47:49.324
[Vir Das] Whatever it is that you want
to do when the new world reopens,
1063
00:47:49.408 --> 00:47:52.744
I hope you get to do it.
And I hope you're safe.
1064
00:47:53.870 --> 00:47:57.249
In case you were wondering what we did
the second the world reopened…
1065
00:47:58.292 --> 00:47:59.334
Well…
1066
00:48:00.002 --> 00:48:02.337
[upbeat music playing]