1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,650 [music playing] 4 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:36,631 🎵you may not feel like your pretty enough to survive in this cold cold world🎵 5 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:46,720 [Adrienne] One of the things that i've learned on this journey as a woman as a wife as a 6 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:52,800 mother as a fearless leader of women, I've learned that there's so many women with 7 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,560 have a muzzle on their mouth when it comes to their stories and in our book, When The Soul 8 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:04,720 Cries: Trauma Tears and Triumph the ladies are sharing their stories of how they moved from 9 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:12,080 traumatic experiences. Ten of the women have come together to talk about the triumph but also 10 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:19,031 the tears. How did we get to the trauma? What is trauma? Do we understand how to really heal? 11 00:01:19,031 --> 00:01:25,100 🎵 don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving.🎵 12 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:37,584 🎵You're not just another woman. Don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving🎵 13 00:01:37,584 --> 00:01:38,879 [ladies screaming] 14 00:01:38,879 --> 00:01:40,515 [Adrienne] I thought you were in the house! 15 00:01:40,515 --> 00:01:41,015 [excited screaming] 16 00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:48,650 🎵You are the prize so let them strive to win you, yeah.🎵 17 00:01:48,650 --> 00:02:00,434 🎵 So if you ever start to doubt yourself, just remember you're not just a woman, yeah🎵 18 00:02:00,434 --> 00:02:02,434 Hello! Hi! 19 00:02:02,434 --> 00:02:09,600 All my little make up gone, Shay! I need you sugar! I'm looking a whole mess! 20 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,725 How are you? [Mel] Good how are you? 21 00:02:11,725 --> 00:02:14,543 Fresh to death get it lady! 22 00:02:15,392 --> 00:02:16,084 Hey girl. 23 00:02:16,084 --> 00:02:18,084 [laughing] 24 00:02:20,084 --> 00:02:22,084 [screaming] 25 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:34,800 [Adrienne] We're here in beautiful Cape Cod. I brought in a therapist that has helped me in my own personal journey. 26 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:42,240 So I think initially when Adrienne and I met and when we started talking about things um 27 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:50,320 I was observing her from a distance observing what was happening in a group that she facilitated 28 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:57,440 and i'm looking at the post i'm looking at all the tools that she was giving and I was just thinking 29 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:04,160 she is completely wasting her time because what she was providing some of the women did 30 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:09,760 not have the capacity to use those skills, they needed something that was higher level 31 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:15,120 meaning therapeutic interventions and so I reached out to her and I said I don't mean 32 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:20,480 to get in your business however I need to let you know that what you're giving them 33 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:26,880 nuh-uh not working they need therapy okay it's cool to talk to your girlfriends 34 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:32,080 it's cool to talk to your friends but some things require professional intervention right because 35 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:37,600 we've been trained to give you tools we've been trained to help you process information 36 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:43,360 your friends your family will sometimes they're on your team and so sometimes they will not be 37 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:50,960 objective in helping you to see the other side and so the role of a therapist is to help you process 38 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:58,000 the information and learn a better way to deal. --What I love about our journey is over the years 39 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:04,880 we've been had the opportunity and the honor to help so many other women um just understand 40 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:11,280 not only their trauma but how do they get there? What circumstances got us to this place? One of 41 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:17,600 the things I always talk about is accountability through sisterhood and not just but me respecting 42 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:24,400 your role as a therapist I always call therapist scientist because you had to study the brain 43 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:29,760 study how trauma impacts the brain and I always tell people that you're my trauma specialist 44 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:35,600 right and then when people see me they know you're not far behind because the way we complement each 45 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:42,560 other I think people can say there's a balance there right and I never want to be a leader where 46 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:48,800 I'm the smartest person in the room I want someone to say no that's really nice 47 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:54,080 but let's take it up a notch and that's what you do for the fearless storytellers so I'm so 48 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:59,920 excited that you're here this weekend. So can you define trauma in its simplest form? 49 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:09,680 --Trauma in its simplest form is the inability of an individual to use coping skills to manage the 50 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:15,920 significant level of stress that the particular event has caused. --Okay. --That's in its rarest form 51 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,600 right and so sometimes when we think about trauma people think about 52 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:26,560 individuals who have gone to war right those are traumatic situations yes those are but 53 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,440 someone going through a divorce with their parents that can be a traumatic situation if they have an 54 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:37,440 inability to cope with it so we have to look at trauma in its simplest form because it's really 55 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:43,680 based on an individual's experience. --Yeah. --Right something that affects you may not affect me and 56 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,240 vice versa so when we look at trauma it's just important for us to understand that 57 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:55,200 we don't want to shoo shoo anybody's experience and we want to say you know that was a traumatic 58 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:59,920 experience and sometimes I even have to help my clients to identify the trauma remember 59 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:05,040 your inability to adjust when your parents got a divorce? Do you remember how difficult it was for 60 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:09,920 you to get up in the morning? How difficult it was for you to keep living between your mom and your 61 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,720 dad's house and the stress that you experience right sometimes there's self-harming behaviors 62 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:19,520 that may come with it right that lets us know that there's an inability to cope because now we have 63 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:25,440 to find other things that allow us to feel like the pain goes away. --So we're here in beautiful cape 64 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:32,160 cod in this beautiful on this beautiful setting and even though this is a wonderful retreat we're 65 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:39,280 not here to play around this is not a girl's trip this is about people including me healing 66 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:44,480 and going to the next level in our lives so what are some of the exercises that you'll be taking 67 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:50,960 the women through as a licensed social worker clinical therapist you know trauma when you see it 68 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:57,120 so what things are you going to do to help them go to the next level? --So one of the exercises is going 69 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:03,760 to be cards on the table and having the women to identify the different traumas and figure out what 70 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:08,480 to do next with the cards on the table we're going to just put everything out there and let them work 71 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:14,480 from there. The second exercise is going to be on a letter to my sister where we acknowledge our 72 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:20,320 sister's pain from a different standpoint other than what they believe the experience has been 73 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:27,360 and the last one is going to be burn it up because what we want them to do is leave the things on the 74 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,440 table right leave their trauma leave the pain behind don't take it with them so we're going 75 00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:36,874 to burn it up at the end because that means if it's burned up they don't take it with them. 76 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,794 [music playing] 77 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:53,280 [Sound] -- So it's so great to meet you all in person finally. It's been a long journey. [Chelsia] -- Yes it has. 78 00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:56,407 [Candice] It's been a year a year. [ladies agreeing] 79 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,255 --[Jondahlyn] It has been a year. --[Chelsia] -- I know. 80 00:07:59,255 --> 00:08:01,255 --It's our anniversary! [ladies laughing] 81 00:08:01,255 --> 00:08:03,255 --[Mel] It is! 82 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,381 [Sound] So how did you all find out about the projects initially? [Mel] A.B. [Chelsia] A.B. 83 00:08:07,381 --> 00:08:13,464 She what messaged me and then we had the first call, yep. 84 00:08:16,986 --> 00:08:18,800 [Mel] I know when A.B. calls me something's going on. [ladies laughing] 85 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:25,840 I never hear from her unless some she's got something cooking up her sleeve [laughing]. 86 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,200 [Sound] I met A.B. virtually through the volunteer coordinator for the kids ministry at my 87 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:35,033 church. [Chelsia] Oh wow. [Sound] And so um yeah i'm just going through facebook seeing what we might have in common 88 00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:40,880 and I saw the post and then I reached out and she was like er ma'am you don't know me [laughing] 89 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:49,760 To me it was um I put a post on facebook and she contacted me do you want to write your story [laughing] 90 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:57,920 and then she said you're going to be the last one of 18 writers at that point was 18. 91 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:07,484 and and I was like yes I need to do this. --Who knew that it would bring us to such a place as this a time as this? 92 00:09:08,292 --> 00:09:13,528 --Changing the world one life at a time and it's worth it [ladies agreeing] 93 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:20,720 --Yeah and what I love about it is that when the book first came out and I didn't think it would 94 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:27,920 happen but you know each story is different but we have so many similarities and I was just like 95 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:35,600 I kind of relaxed in it because it I just didn't feel like okay you don't have to feel apprehensive 96 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:40,720 of what people are going to think it's like everything just intertwined together right 97 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:51,600 right and just personally I have a heart for women just to see them healed because I mean you know 98 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:56,640 where i'm from I have you know family members I have you know girlfriends or I guess I should 99 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:03,360 say some associates i'm not going to figure it out everybody's not your friend but um it's just the 100 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:10,640 stigma of like negativity or a bad mindset because you don't know who you are and so I just have a 101 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:16,320 passion just to see women whole so that's why I wanted to write my story. [Mel] That's awesome. 102 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:23,440 --Really initially it was reading them to find out to make sure I wasn't alone and I you know like 103 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:31,120 today even like breathing I have not been breathing I've been holding my breath and you know 104 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,513 every time I go and get a massage and like --[Nikiya] Girl I thought that's because you had your girdle on 105 00:10:34,513 --> 00:10:36,891 you can't be breathing? [laughing] 106 00:10:36,891 --> 00:10:38,891 [Mel] Somebody laced it too tight in the back! [laughing] 107 00:10:41,317 --> 00:10:44,880 --So I think that we all can serve as 108 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:50,560 as um I would call them midwives too many you know to help people birth what's on the inside of them 109 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:57,360 as well you know and I think that's um this is new to me um although it's sort of like contradicting 110 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:02,240 a little bit but um because you know been in ministry been able to administer two people 111 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:09,600 you know um I had a problem you know um trusting women because I have been hurt by so many 112 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,560 you know so to be in a circle like this i'm sorry like letting my guards down so when I 113 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:20,800 first met Adrienne uh it was through um someone I knew that was actually working her at the time 114 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:26,320 you know and um and I feel like she was our divine connection because she's no longer working with 115 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:31,760 her anymore you know and it was like wow you know so and that my intention was not to write the book 116 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:37,101 my intention was for somebody to hear me for the first time. 117 00:11:37,101 --> 00:11:39,760 --The woman with the five husbands. [laughing] 118 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:50,160 Jennie Womack everybody. [laughing] I am so happy that you're here with me and we've had uh an amazing time 119 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:57,120 journey together ironically how we met and just so many things that we've been through we had a good 120 00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,560 in a good way we had you know people say been through and you'd be like what would y'all have 121 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:06,160 been through but we've gone through some really fun things some new innovative innovative things 122 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:12,080 um this time that we've known each other so but I want to talk a little bit about your story um 123 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:17,600 which is entitled the woman with the five husbands and I remember when we were talking 124 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:25,840 about naming your story you were kind of like okay that works um so talk to us a little bit 125 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:30,960 about first of all why you chose to become a fearless storyteller let's start there. 126 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:38,080 --Um mainly because you know once I talk with you and we just started because first year 127 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:45,440 you started out as as my mentor basically and as I began to you know to talk to you more and more 128 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:53,440 um I just said you know some somebody else could hear and be healed you know from from my story 129 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,520 yeah um although it was labeled you know the woman with the five husband who does that right 130 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:07,280 um but it's still they may not have been married but they might have they may have been had more 131 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:12,160 than one --[Adrienne] Yes! --Relationship ten relationship whatever the case may be um and they're stuck 132 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:20,320 in a situation you know feeling like they um they're not worth anything um or being judged or 133 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,920 um just hard on themselves because they allow themselves to go through that 134 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:29,200 right um but I could speak from um not from innocence but from experience 135 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,640 to say that you know what you know god you brought me through that mm-hmm you know and sometimes my 136 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:40,080 life did feel dim you know it did feel like I wasn't going to make it and I was drowning 137 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:47,040 but as I look back on it he had a hand on me as well you know so it's just saying that you 138 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:51,280 know giving it out there and putting it out there and somebody's seeing it 139 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:58,560 and they can go wow five husbands and I'm wrestling over the one I had [laughing] 140 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:05,280 you know i'm letting the one I had you know make me go through. --[Adrienne]Sure! --And she was at five? --[Adrienne] Right. 141 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:12,000 --So I think it was more of a of a ministering tool for women. -[Adrienne] Absolutely. --Um to see that they 142 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:18,240 don't have to you know be in a place all their lives. [Adrienne] Yeah that's good and I appreciate the 143 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:24,720 the honesty and the accountability that you take and you've always from day one even from 144 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:31,840 of us meeting even if you didn't know why you did something you always were self-reflective 145 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:39,120 and accountable and just wanting to be better so as a leader of women a fearless leader of women 146 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,440 and they love you and they look up to you we've had time to spend I've had an opportunity to 147 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:50,080 spend time in your element among the women that you serve so how do you make them comfortable 148 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:54,400 because sometimes women can be very judgmental and say well she can't tell me 149 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,520 anything about my relationship because I mean she can't even keep a man like that's just how we are 150 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:06,320 right so how do you have it where how do you create the environment where they can feel safe? 151 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:14,320 --Number one being transparent um about the things I've been through I don't put on airs I don't 152 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:18,400 act like I'm all that in the back of chips never did nothing and all of that you know 153 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:24,960 um but i'm just very transparent what I'm talking and um to the to two women and I 154 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:30,080 try to meet them right where they are right you know in the situation and again and not 155 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:37,280 judge them about um whatever because although my situation may be that I married five 156 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:43,040 you know I had five husbands your situation may be totally different but you still need deliverance 157 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:50,480 You still need healing yeah so to get women to understand you know that don't don't compare 158 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,280 your situation with anyone else right right because it may not be the same 159 00:15:55,280 --> 00:16:00,080 but the result should still be the same absolutely that you know I want total healing I want total 160 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:05,200 deliverance from whatever i went through I need that you know. --[Tamara] What we want to do with 161 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:11,120 these women is say yes so now you've shared your story let's talk about the things in your story 162 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:17,040 that you haven't shared yet. All right ladies so we are going to do our first exercise which is called 163 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:24,960 cards on the table and the instructions are that each individual one at a time will pick up a card 164 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:31,280 and you will return to your seat and you will talk about the card that you picked as it relates 165 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:39,840 to the word that's on the card so whoever would like to go first can start you're going to get 166 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,880 your card no one else is going to come up behind you and pick up a card that is your time to shine 167 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:52,080 We clear? [ladies agreeing] So whoever would like to go to the table any card you like. 168 00:16:55,360 --> 00:17:03,840 -[Mama Chris] Why not! -[Mel] All right! 169 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,840 Wow! 170 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,960 Okay so i got the word say the word --[Tamara] Say the word. 171 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:17,840 --Disrespected. Wow... 172 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:31,840 I guess when I was violated. 173 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,805 When I wasn't covered. 174 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:45,840 When somebody should have known better and they choose chose to disrespect me. 175 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,080 They took my innocence. 176 00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,400 I never had a chance 177 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:02,080 but i'm still standing because although they disrespected me 178 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,160 eventually I came to a point where no matter what 179 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:13,840 I'm not gonna take their disrespect. I sever that cord. 180 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:24,335 If I need to be respected I respect myself so I'm not gonna be in the gutter doing gutter stuff. 181 00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:35,823 [ladies agreeing] [--Mel] Thats it! --Because I'm valuable. I'm a masterpiece. I'm unique. 182 00:18:38,249 --> 00:18:40,249 Disrespected. 183 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,920 --[Tamara] So when you picked up that card Miss Chris, 184 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,440 you said wow. What did it feel like to turn that card over? 185 00:18:53,680 --> 00:19:01,360 --Because I felt it. I felt it. I remember feeling it. I remember there being a time when 186 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:10,880 I saw no value in myself no no self-worth you know when my husband proposed to me 187 00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:18,640 I'm like wow all this time you know I was just um 188 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:26,400 going through adolescence childhood young adulthood 189 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:29,680 but he chose me [laughing] 190 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:38,800 He loved me, He loved me and so when I felt... 191 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:48,240 You know it didn't start out that way you know you know you [laughing] know yeah i'm gonna be honest you know 192 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:52,035 he riding his game you know [laughing] I feel for it. [laughing] 193 00:19:53,600 --> 00:20:04,640 But in the end you know he he went home to be with the lord we were together for we dated 194 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:13,600 in high school and we were married 29 and a half years you know to be able to be there with him he 195 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:25,440 knew my deepest darkest secrets he knew every detail about me and um he loved me regardless 196 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:35,680 regardless I told him everything and he still loved me? [laughing] Oh wow yeah um 197 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:47,840 to have felt love and in spite of disrespect you know and I think that makes me more aware 198 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:54,320 so that I am respectful to people you know they can cross the line but I don't have 199 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:59,120 to sit there I don't have to sit there and subject myself I can excuse myself and go 200 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:08,560 you know it's their loss yeah but if they need me I'm there but I won't be disrespected 201 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:12,560 I will not be disrespect that's a powerful word that's the powerful word . 202 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,640 --[Tamara] So thank you for sharing Miss Chris. --Thank you. 203 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,740 --[Tamara] Everybody take a deep breath [laughing] 204 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:37,920 --[Sound] Shame. So I've experienced situations in my life where I was misunderstood I was put in 205 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:48,400 circumstances because of just bad choices because my parents were born in 1929 in 1939 206 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:53,920 and not too much conversation went on in their household so they did the best that they could and 207 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,320 they really didn't talk to me about things it was like don't bring no babies up in here 208 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:04,240 don't do things that you're not supposed to do but there were really no intimate details that 209 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,240 this is what you do when a boy approaches you this is what you do when you get into 210 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:14,640 this situation and so a lot of people thought that I should have known better but I didn't 211 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:21,520 as long as i made straight a's went to church volunteered stayed active in my community 212 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:29,360 I was smart enough to figure things out but that wasn't the case and so um I experienced a lot of 213 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:37,200 shame because people felt that i'm too smart for that always you should have known better even 214 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:45,680 trying to spend situations to say you know it was my fault so with shame came guilt, self-doubt 215 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:55,200 and a lot of other things depression anxiety just a lot of different emotions connected to it 216 00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:03,760 so and going through the different relationships I could say that um being shameful 217 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:11,840 of my choices would cause me to not say anything and to just exist and to 218 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:22,160 just be and try to cover up situations as best as I could and really no one would know anything 219 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:27,600 until it was over with but most of the time people in my life were like well what happened 220 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:32,640 to so-and-so he was so nice but you didn't know the other side oh well y'all just look so happy 221 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:39,440 well because I didn't want to be shamed by people I did a lot of cover-up 222 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,320 I was great at covering up. I wore a mask. 223 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:53,280 I did. And so part of my healing process has been coming out of agreement with it and reclaiming 224 00:23:54,160 --> 00:24:01,120 who I am as far as my identity and that I am not who I am because of what happened to me 225 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:09,120 I am who I am through what has happened to be what I was born and designed to do on this Earth. 226 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:16,000 --[Tamara] And where does shame exist in your World now? --Oh my goodness so 227 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:23,440 because my husband is a church musician he's not at church with me and so I have the role of being 228 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:31,840 a solo parent and all of my children are not necessarily on the spectrum but they have adhd 229 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:38,880 attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, sensory processing disorder, a couple of the children have 230 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:46,080 tourettes and so i'm serving and i'm parenting and i'm being an advocate for my children and so 231 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:53,920 different people are saying oh they should know better they're just acting out they're doing 232 00:24:53,920 --> 00:25:01,280 it on purpose and so i'm expressing to them that there is something going on neurologically and i'm 233 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:06,960 doing what i need to do in the physical and in the spiritual and I need y'all to show some compassion 234 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:15,120 and it's like they're not hearing me and so it's like it's kind of they're not saying oh shame 235 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:21,760 on you but I can tell from the looks and the comments and even the non-verbal communication 236 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:29,760 that is a shameful situation but this has been like everywhere out in public at the grocery 237 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:37,280 store it doesn't matter someone's having a sensory moment a meltdown and so i'm doing my best to read 238 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:42,800 everything and to just be their advocate and to teach them to advocate for themselves and it's 239 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:48,720 like unless the child has a profound disability they're not really acknowledged so it's like 240 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:55,280 people with silent disabilities get overlooked um when I registered to to come here on the plane I 241 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,600 was like well do you have any disabilities and i'm like yeah so mine is cognitive like my children as 242 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,080 well and so when it was time to board they're like okay anybody with disabilities come on 243 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:08,880 I was the only one and I don't know if people looking at me crazy or not but I know my bag and 244 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:13,520 i'm not afraid so I walked on that empty plane got to my seat and sat down and I felt safe [ladies acknowledging] 245 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:21,120 --[Tamara] Thank you for sharing that it's important to know that when we have these experiences right 246 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:25,760 this is still present so this is not a past word this is a right now yeah right this is right 247 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:30,480 now where you're struggling with it just being able to parent your children right people are 248 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:35,680 putting identities on you identities on your kids and so it's important to know that shame 249 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:41,680 can look so many different ways and what we have to be conscious about is just constantly exposing 250 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,560 what you're doing now like you can look at my kids it doesn't matter I know what's going on 251 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,800 I don't really owe you an explanation because the last time I checked I was the only person 252 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:56,000 buying clothes right paying bills to take care of them but it's important to know what your own 253 00:26:56,000 --> 00:27:02,640 identity is so that when people try to give you an identity that you stay out of agreement with 254 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:08,480 that right and so it's good that you know what it was like when you were in agreement with it yeah 255 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:14,240 in your younger life and now you're like no i'm not having it and i'm gonna do what I need to do 256 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:19,520 and just because you don't see it right because you learn to cover up i'm still gonna do it and 257 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,680 so that's important to know and so thank you for sharing and talking about the shame that you're 258 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:29,440 having right now like it's happening right now and so it's important for you to keep advocating 259 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:34,320 for your children advocating for yourself --[Sound] Yes! --And saying never again will I be under the rock 260 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:41,080 of shame and i'm not taking that walk again right that walk is done. 261 00:27:50,044 --> 00:27:54,798 --[Jondahlyn] My word is invalidated. 262 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,840 That's deep. [laughing] 263 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,359 I'm sorry. --[Tamara] No don't be sorry it's okay. 264 00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:27,623 --So most of my life as a pk pastor's kid um for the first 18 years of my life as the only girl out of 265 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:34,560 three boys um there was this expectation that you know I was a little mama 266 00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:40,480 I got straight a's in school my father taught me how to do this whole public speaking thing 267 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:49,840 we were on radio and television from very early age like since we could really talk because my 268 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:58,880 father was a public figure pastor so on, so forth. Um so there was always this expectation that 269 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:07,040 in order to I guess have value you had to roar and you had to pour into others 270 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:14,000 forget about self and just pour into everybody else and be this ultimate servant leader 271 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:24,400 so you know that was my goal. In life I watched my parents you know serve and be and everything 272 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:28,800 they touched seemed like it turned into gold and I was like okay that's the goal in life right 273 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:37,200 so it all I think it almost became like that whole like um you learn how to be an actor or 274 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:49,600 an actress right and you people value you based on kind of how well you win the oscar yeah and so 275 00:29:50,160 --> 00:30:04,160 um the invalidated part was the secret struggle it was the things that I cried about at night but I 276 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:10,240 couldn't even tell like my parents or anybody because the expectation was you get out there 277 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:17,120 you perform and you be and you do and everything has to be 100. but I struggled with this because 278 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:26,080 um i've always had issues with like am I good enough so it's this rat race to be good enough 279 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,680 and everything had to be perfect but I wasn't perfect and i'm not perfect 280 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:36,800 and so um I think it created or developed some um insecurities um 281 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:44,160 in my relationships I accepted the whole invalidation piece because 282 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:52,160 um I think I don't know it was my alter ego or I don't know and i'm probably like all over the 283 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:58,080 place normally i'm i think good at public speaking but when i have to go into these places like this 284 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:09,680 it I kind of seem to jumble my words but um I struggle but I still struggle with this um because 285 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:18,720 I think i'm naturally just kind of a performer you know? --[Tamara] So what would happen if you stopped performing? 286 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:31,840 [laughing] --That's a very good question. So if I stop performing I think I can breathe better [laughing] um 287 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:42,480 I think I can be the although I may look like i'm an extrovert i'm really kind of an introvert 288 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:51,280 and I think I could spend the time that's needed to really get to know me and not who I won't 289 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,960 even say what everybody expects me to because it might not be what everybody's expecting me it may 290 00:31:54,960 --> 00:32:02,080 be what I think that I have to be what everybody expects me to be so I think I really would discover me 291 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:11,760 um and all of the layers underneath which I want to discover so um that's what I think will happen. 292 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,400 --[Tamara] So I would like for you to write down the date in your journal that you're going to start 293 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:17,600 --[Jondahlyn] Well apparently right now [laughing] 294 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:28,739 because most of the time i'm leading so when i'm brought to a place of vulnerability such as this 295 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:37,040 normally I will retreat very quickly and and if I feel like a tear or something coming 296 00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,880 I have to kind of go and fantasize and i'm doing something else but you know so that 297 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:48,400 I can perform and continue to perform so my date is today um my date is today. 298 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:55,840 --[Tamara] And I need you to write an affirmation with that, 'today I will choose to serve me first' 299 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,645 Today I will choose to sever me first. 300 00:33:04,717 --> 00:33:06,763 Thank you. 301 00:33:07,361 --> 00:33:12,199 Now you understand the panic attacks that you have are related to this right what are you going to do 302 00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:18,720 next right we can get medication right that's to fix it however medication addresses the symptoms 303 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:23,120 it does not deal with the root cause and so we've got to get to the root causes which 304 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:27,920 is what i'm hoping we do this weekend is get to the root cause and once we get to the root cause 305 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:32,800 then we can pluck up the tree instead of swinging from branch to branch to branch to branch when we 306 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:38,240 pluck up the roots right then they can really get down to the depth of the healing process. 307 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:49,820 It's thick in here y'all --[Angel] It is. --So this is the work right it's just cards on the table though [laughing] that's it 308 00:33:49,820 --> 00:33:52,839 Imma go! Imma go! 309 00:33:52,839 --> 00:33:54,839 I'm strategizing! [laughing] 310 00:33:54,839 --> 00:33:56,839 --[Adrienne] It doesn't work. 311 00:33:56,839 --> 00:33:58,839 --Don't go for the middle. 312 00:34:00,494 --> 00:34:04,745 Oh, Jesus! Woah! Child! Okay. 313 00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:07,963 Manipulated. [heavy sighing] 314 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:22,720 Uh when I see this word um I think of being used um I think of um 315 00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:36,400 just, I resonated a lot with Johndahlyn's story about um having such low self-worth that you can't even 316 00:34:37,826 --> 00:34:46,720 feel comfortable if somebody were to praise you recognize you give you a compliment and 317 00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,838 genuinely mean that because you don't see that within yourself that you are 318 00:34:51,520 --> 00:35:01,040 so low in your worth that um that you can't you can't accept it as your truth you know 319 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:08,080 and because of that it is so easy to be used and manipulated by people 320 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:17,280 and I think this has actually been a theme since since I was a girl 321 00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,840 [crying] because I never was told or taught 322 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:33,600 what I was really worth. 323 00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,680 And so I let people use me, 324 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,040 for everything. [laughing] 325 00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,040 Everything. 326 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:50,560 And it was a theme that started in my childhood 327 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:58,960 and then I had like a eight year break when I lived in Kentucky and god really 328 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:09,600 broke apart all of my infrastructure that I had growing up and he showed me who I was and who 329 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:18,080 I really am and then I found myself married and feeling the same exact way that I was growing up 330 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:29,360 and so it was almost like a test of what I learned about myself in in those eight years 331 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:37,600 did I really believe it or not you know and if it was my truth would I continue to allow 332 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:48,960 myself to be manipulated and used and not know my worth and not know what i'm actually able to do 333 00:36:50,800 --> 00:37:01,520 in this world and how I was created and why I was created so um this uh [laughing] 334 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:12,640 this is a choice this is a choice and maybe what happens to you 335 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:18,080 isn't a choice of yours it might have been a choice of someone else's 336 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:25,280 but the continuation of this is your choice and um 337 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:38,480 I got to a point to where I had to learn two words that i've never said before to anybody 338 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:48,160 and that was I refuse i've never refused anybody I was raised not to refuse anybody I was raised 339 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:58,880 not to refuse elders I was raised not to say no I was a groomed people-pleaser right and 340 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:09,520 when you get that code embedded in you in your nature and your core um 341 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,280 you don't put words together like I refuse 342 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:23,920 and as a result things like this happen but when you find yourself out of that environment 343 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:31,840 or having been exposed to something that tells you you can refuse 344 00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:35,760 and not only can you refuse you should refuse 345 00:38:38,800 --> 00:38:45,840 you start to believe you can yeah and then the choice is will you or will you not so 346 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:50,480 yeah. --[Tamara] So how does it feel to now refuse? 347 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:53,940 --Good! [laughing] 348 00:38:56,720 --> 00:39:07,280 Good um I am really bad I was really bad at setting boundaries um when you're a people 349 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:13,840 pleaser you don't have boundaries right with people and manipulation and being used happens 350 00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:23,040 and it was very scary at first to begin setting boundaries with people in my life 351 00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:29,680 I felt that if I refused someone or said 352 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:36,480 no or showed them the line that they could not cross with me that I was being too 353 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:47,520 disrespectful to them and it's so funny how you're more concerned about disrespecting someone else 354 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:59,840 than you are about being disrespected yourself you know and that's how low my self-worth was 355 00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:08,240 I never considered myself. When I write my to-do list self-care is like number 82 on the list right 356 00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:14,240 you don't get 81 things done in a day you know so you you just you just get in that 357 00:40:14,240 --> 00:40:22,320 mindset in that mind frame um but you know i've begun the practice of setting boundaries 358 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:30,960 it's still a work in progress to be honest but there are some particular people in my life that 359 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:43,680 I really had to use as a practice ground it's changed dynamics for sure but you know what it 360 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:47,120 I can keep my peace 361 00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:56,800 and you don't realize how much peace means to you until it's like a million pieces on the floor. 362 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:17,040 I don't remember every detail of everyone's story in this room but I was the one who 363 00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:20,800 almost drowned herself in the backyard pool. 364 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:28,640 But I didn't do it because at the time 365 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:39,760 my son loved eggs for breakfast and I was the only one who knew how to make his eggs 366 00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:47,840 and I didn't want my son to not have his eggs the next day. 367 00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:58,320 But when you're at the point where you've lost your peace 368 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:04,880 and the only thing saving you is eggs [laughing] 369 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:12,160 that's a problem. [laughing] 370 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:19,760 And you better start refusing the things that have taken your peace. 371 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,840 So. Yeah. 372 00:42:29,084 --> 00:42:34,876 --[Tamara] So Mel I just want to say to you 373 00:42:34,876 --> 00:42:38,121 one i'm grateful that those eggs were enough [laughing] [Adrienne] I know that's right! 374 00:42:38,121 --> 00:42:43,619 --[Mel] I can't even eat eggs! --Those eggs were enough literally to save your life! --[Mel] Yeah 375 00:42:43,619 --> 00:42:47,920 --Right so I knew Mel in that season 376 00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:55,101 and I attempted in that season to work with Mel --[Mel] Yeah. 377 00:42:55,101 --> 00:43:01,993 --Around this and I just left her with some words because i'm like she's not ready but i'm 378 00:43:01,993 --> 00:43:11,920 gonna plant the seed and it's up to her to do the rest and I said when will you be tired of being sick and tired don't 379 00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:16,080 keep telling me about it because every time I talked to Mel she had a reason why she was still 380 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:25,840 in that space cool when you're ready so she needed to take that journey for herself 381 00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:32,960 because I could have just snatched her out right get out go now that wouldn't have been it 382 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,480 it was for her to do the work and know that I needed an exit 383 00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:44,480 and so when eggs save your life just know that it was time for you to get your life a long time ago. 384 00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:50,720 --[Mel] Yeah, yeah. --[Tamara] All right y'all shake your arms out a little bit, it's heavy in the room all right ? 385 00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:59,387 All right, everybody feel the earth under your feet? -[Adrienne] No, I don't. [laughing] 386 00:44:08,418 --> 00:44:08,918 Ohh! [laughing] 387 00:44:15,620 --> 00:44:19,849 Ah I have the word attacked. [heavy sighing] 388 00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:32,080 And I can remember when I was you know my mom didn't raise me my grandmother did you know and 389 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:39,360 and I can remember that coming up I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family 390 00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:45,040 you know because um my grandmother she did she took good care of me for us 391 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:52,000 you know buying things and clothes and things like that but that was it teach me how to work 392 00:44:52,960 --> 00:44:57,760 hard and things like that because we had a farm and that was it that was you know but everything 393 00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:04,560 else was was not taught to me you know to be honest so coming up with my sisters and my mom 394 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:10,240 my sister my they really raised themselves to be honest I'm gonna tell the truth you know 395 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:14,800 um but I've always felt like I was under attacked by my siblings 396 00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:22,720 always - I didn't ask to be in the place that I was in you know I didn't ask to 397 00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:31,840 be raised by my grandmother I didn't ask for that stuff that was my life you know so I felt like 398 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,760 I was always attacked attacked by them like they didn't really like me 399 00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:43,040 or they were um I think sometimes it was um a little jealous of what you know my grandmother 400 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:46,640 did for me and they didn't you know whatever but they could have got the same thing and they did 401 00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:51,120 really you know end up not really without because of my 402 00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,800 you know my grandparents they just wasn't in the same house you know um 403 00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:00,640 but I feel like I was always up under attack and and I grew up thinking that 404 00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:04,960 you know that um that for whatever reason if I didn't do 405 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:10,960 what you told me to do if I didn't talk the way you told me you know you tell me to talk 406 00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:15,920 or if I didn't do this or whatever then I felt like I always came up on the attack 407 00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:21,600 from from the situation other person so I'm like everybody else was saying that's when you become 408 00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:29,840 a people pleaser that's right I can remember being married um to a pastor and if I didn't um 409 00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:36,240 raise my hand a certain way or or you know when you you know praying or you're going 410 00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:41,600 to be spiritual, if I do that a certain way you know I come home I had to be upon its attack about 411 00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:46,800 you know why did you do it that way why did you do it that way it was always you know why why why why 412 00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:51,280 you gotta always do that why you always gotta do it this way why you know, why I just can't be me? [ladies agreeing] 413 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,800 And that's how I grew up and I thank god for Adrienne Bell I do 414 00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:05,520 because when I began to talk to Adrienne, Adrienne really she she just she was very straightforward 415 00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:11,120 with me she made me think in aries in my life I never thought before about who I was 416 00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:18,000 and stop letting people attack me or come at me you know like I've done them something wrong 417 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:25,120 you know and that's and I get it all the time. So I'm a loner I always say I'm a loner 418 00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:31,440 and I've been that way because I'm so afraid of being attacked rejected and all of that 419 00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:40,240 all tied up in it you know so, I love people, I do but I'm also kind of like wait a minute you know 420 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:47,920 I'm afraid if I say this so now I live in fear about oh if I see it like this they don't look 421 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:55,360 at me crazy or if I just be you know they're gonna look at me crazy well something to say 422 00:47:56,240 --> 00:48:00,240 you know whatever and that's not always the case for people but if you believe it long enough 423 00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:09,120 and if you hear it long enough that's how you live. So I need the healing of the breaking point 424 00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:15,760 of breaking beyond that you know because I realize in life I have a lot of potential, I have a lot 425 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:23,680 on the inside of me and because I'm living fear about what people think about me or being attacked 426 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:33,200 because the way I present myself it would shut me down so I've been shutting down a lot all my life. 427 00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:40,160 I'm shut it down huh a whole lot all right because I can remember when my son was preaching and he 428 00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:46,480 began to tell his testimony that that day brought a lot of men and women to the altar because of 429 00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:53,200 his testimony and he says what people didn't know that as a little kid I would hear my mama scream 430 00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:59,680 I couldn't help her, he said I would go in the closet and want to kill myself 431 00:49:00,240 --> 00:49:06,480 because I couldn't help my mama because I heard the screams, I heard my mama cry. 432 00:49:08,254 --> 00:49:13,934 And so for that I'd rather have other men to be - other men to be my father than my own daddy. 433 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:25,360 --And there's something I want to tell you um how your your voice and who you are and when I see 434 00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:34,640 you and I hear you I hear the love of god. You have a voice that is calming, serene it's like 435 00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:38,160 it touches the heart so don't ever let anybody tell you different. --[Jennie] Thank you. 436 00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:47,840 --[Tamara] So I just want you to get your paper and write down other people's impression of me 437 00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:59,760 it's not my concern. --[Mel] That's good. --And I want you to live that because if you allow that to guide your 438 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:07,040 every move then this agreement with being attacked feeling attacked not using your voice remember 439 00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:16,320 what does the book say? The muzzle has been removed don't put it back on so other people's impression 440 00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:22,960 of you is not your concern and I want you to let that be your daily affirmation however many times 441 00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:29,360 you need to remind yourself when you even start to feel attacked even think attack I need you 442 00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:34,880 to take control of your thoughts because your thoughts are the things that will drive your 443 00:50:34,880 --> 00:50:41,840 behavior right and then your behavior will become things and then here we are 57 years later. 444 00:50:50,240 --> 00:50:51,040 [laughing] 445 00:50:53,284 --> 00:50:56,720 --[Tamara] I thought someone would have picked up my card, that's yours baby. 446 00:51:00,635 --> 00:51:02,635 --Used. 447 00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:15,360 Used describes my relationship with my kid's dad my ex-husband 448 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:28,720 Used. Used for sex used for his own gain. I met my kid's dad when I was in high school we did not go 449 00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:36,640 to school together I was 16 he was 20. And um it was one of those when I met him I had no business 450 00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:43,200 with him, knew I had no business with him but he was intriguing he was um he was suave he was 451 00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:52,000 smooth he was oh my god he likes me because I was the little book smart school girl from the suburbs 452 00:51:52,720 --> 00:52:02,800 and he was the street smart single parent fast talking you know that's what he was 453 00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:13,120 and so we were together for I think like two years before I lost my virginity to him and I knew even 454 00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:20,960 before that it happened that he was sleeping with other girls but my self-esteem at that time 455 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:28,080 but he's 20. And I don't even think it dawned on me then this is a whole grown man like an adult 456 00:52:28,080 --> 00:52:33,680 he graduated from high school you know before I did but it didn't, I didn't understand 457 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:41,440 I was being used because he knew that I knew no better he knew I was naive he knew I knew 458 00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:52,000 nothing about the street life he knew that. He did his dirt he cheated um he got locked up. He went to 459 00:52:53,120 --> 00:53:01,360 he went to jail and then he went from county jail he received uh I think a two-year sentence 460 00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:06,960 or something so he went to state prison but I was that ride or die chick, I ain't going nowhere . [laughing] 461 00:53:08,240 --> 00:53:14,720 We gonna do this bonnie and clyde you know. Yeah actually yeah here's the big the big used part 462 00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:23,120 um I got pregnant senior year I was pregnant the day of graduation high school but I didn't 463 00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:28,320 know it because it you know like just happened by the time I was supposed to go away to school 464 00:53:29,680 --> 00:53:34,400 I was like I can't do this I can't handle baby my dad is gonna kill me, I'm not ready to be a mother 465 00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:43,600 I can't do this and he said well you know it's up to you. So after the summer program was over 466 00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:55,200 I got back home and I went and had an abortion and by again by the time I was able to get all 467 00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:59,440 of this stuff done and I'm trying to hide it from my parents because there's no way in the world 468 00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:05,440 I'm going to go tell my parents that I'm pregnant right. It's a two-day procedure um 469 00:54:06,240 --> 00:54:13,520 I'm very traumatized but I blocked it because I had to handle it. I couldn't sit in that, I 470 00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:19,120 knew it was wrong but I couldn't sit in it like oh my god do you really understand what you're doing 471 00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:23,520 it was just like no you gotta go to college you gotta do this you gotta do that again appearance, 472 00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:28,160 judged, um attacked you know all of those things were right there and I was like I gotta do this I gotta 473 00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:35,840 do something, again he was there he was right there he never left. A couple maybe a couple weeks or so 474 00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:42,320 after that situation happened he actually proposed asked me to marry him. Oh my god I'm so excited! 475 00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:51,840 He was still messing around with other girls. He was still doing dirt. He got locked up again. 476 00:54:53,600 --> 00:55:01,200 Bonnie was still there for Clyde, because my self-esteem and I didn't understand I was being 477 00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:08,400 used I just didn't understand that. I didn't understand that I was the comfort place. 478 00:55:09,520 --> 00:55:18,800 I was the rock and I can walk over her like a doormat and she's not gonna go anywhere because 479 00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:29,120 she knows she ain't worth it anyway so why change what's going on? --[Adrienne] Wow! -- And so again this word is so 480 00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:39,760 powerful, because even women I come in contact with have experienced this very thing 481 00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:50,720 yeah but they don't know how to put the voice to it. I feel a sense of empowerment 482 00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:58,320 just right now just because I'm able to say I was used. --Yes so sometimes what happens is 483 00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:04,560 if we get to the point that we can say what actually happened to us we're like oh I'm free 484 00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:10,960 it's over I'm done and oftentimes that is the beginning of the process right ? Now we're no longer 485 00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:18,640 hiding right? We've exposed um the events that have caused us to experience certain levels of trauma 486 00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:23,360 so once we expose it then there are some steps that we need to take to actually deal with it 487 00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:28,320 it's not enough to just say well I shared my story but do you understand how your 488 00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:33,760 story has impacted your life? Do you understand what you needed to go through in order to get 489 00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:34,260 better? 490 00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:40,731 --I would pick this word. [women laughing] 491 00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:50,699 [women laughing] 492 00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:57,164 --So um the word I picked up was heartbroken. [women gasping]. -- See what I'm saying, I don't need that. 493 00:56:58,548 --> 00:57:02,264 [women laughing] 494 00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:20,240 Um when you grow up you never as a kid you you never you can't play the situations over 495 00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:27,120 in your mind the things that you would go through. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher so at 496 00:57:27,120 --> 00:57:32,480 sixth grade graduation we all held up the sign for teacher and we wrote out what it means to us right 497 00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:42,080 and that was one of the things I always I dreamed of. I had so many aspirations and as I began to 498 00:57:42,080 --> 00:57:49,200 grow and learn through life it just seemed like everything was one heartbreak after another. 499 00:57:50,640 --> 00:58:00,000 Not growing up with my biological father or his family was detrimental and it was detrimental 500 00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:08,880 for the simple fact that as a as a little girl you want to feel the love of your father 501 00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:14,640 I believe that because uh um, 502 00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:23,120 I had some some type of some it's like innate where I loved photography I was 503 00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:27,200 good with photography I was very creative my mother's not that way 504 00:58:28,000 --> 00:58:34,320 and when I met my biological father I learned that he was great with photography 505 00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:42,720 so there were certain things that I feel now that as a child growing up because I reminded my mother 506 00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:51,120 of him she resented me and treated me in certain types of ways that she didn't treat my sister um 507 00:58:51,760 --> 00:59:00,960 and that was heartbreaking. With my dad my dad that raised me I literally clung to him if he 508 00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:05,600 was waking up on the Saturday morning which is why I that's probably why I'm an early riser 509 00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:10,800 I would literally wake up and be ready because I knew he was going to go get his hair cut and 510 00:59:10,800 --> 00:59:14,000 we were going to go to Queens he was getting his hair cut and I'm going to ride with him 511 00:59:14,960 --> 00:59:19,120 and I would do that faithfully and then there would be certain times where 512 00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:23,920 my mother would beat me to it because the car was only a two-seater so only two of us really 513 00:59:23,920 --> 00:59:27,600 could go. When he would go out to Queens and stuff we always would visit the family and everything 514 00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:32,560 so when the family would see that I wasn't with him they'd be like oh you took her seat 515 00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:41,280 and my mother would get upset because she don't have a seat. Like okay. 516 00:59:43,120 --> 00:59:46,960 So when you grow up like that where you feel like you're constantly 517 00:59:49,040 --> 00:59:51,440 at odds it's heartbreaking. 518 00:59:52,160 --> 01:00:01,360 And I'm a fighter but I'm not a fighter right? Because I don't enjoy war but I can go to war so.... 519 01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:10,720 And I had to learn that because I was constantly warring but not because I wanted to but because 520 01:00:10,720 --> 01:00:15,840 of the situations that I was in I was put in and one of the biggest things I 521 01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:21,920 always wanted to defend was my heart and I wanted to protect my heart but every 522 01:00:21,920 --> 01:00:28,400 time I try to protect my heart I kept getting broken, so it was like at every turn you're 523 01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:35,680 you're breaking and as an adult, I didn't want to break [crying] 524 01:00:36,547 --> 01:00:40,520 I didn't want to break. I'm sorry. I can't break. [crying] --[Tamara] It's okay you can break, you can break. 525 01:00:42,377 --> 01:00:46,143 You have permission to break. --I, um... 526 01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:59,600 'Cause my ex broke me and I fight against that every day because I didn't want to break 527 01:00:59,600 --> 01:01:06,080 so I stood and everybody judged me because I stood because I said he won't break me 528 01:01:07,920 --> 01:01:14,640 he can't break me but he broke me. And I didn't want to experience that breaking 529 01:01:16,240 --> 01:01:25,520 and every day I fight the breaking. [crying] I lost my baby, that that broke me and broke me broke me 530 01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:31,120 down, it broke me down, it broke me and broke me and broke me and broke me broke me, it's breaking. 531 01:01:34,560 --> 01:01:40,080 And i laugh, I joke because that's the only thing I know how to do. I hate 532 01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:48,320 when you gotta fight for people to respect you when you gotta fight for love you gotta fight 533 01:01:50,240 --> 01:01:52,640 the only thing you know how to do is be joyful. 534 01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:59,520 That's the only thing you know how to do because then everything breaks you, everything, 535 01:02:00,720 --> 01:02:07,920 everything breaks you every day, every, everything. --[Tamara] I said to Nikiya I need you to allow your heart to 536 01:02:07,920 --> 01:02:16,640 break. Because I need you guys to sometimes sit in the pain of your brokenness. 537 01:02:16,640 --> 01:02:21,200 When we keep covering it up and covering it up and then we're like but why can't I heal lord? 538 01:02:21,200 --> 01:02:26,080 Why are you not helping me? You're not in the place you're not in a place where healing can begin. 539 01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:32,720 This is the place right? You're here now you said I don't want to break but you're broke and it's safe. 540 01:02:33,280 --> 01:02:39,520 It was safe here to do it to allow it. The therapist cries right now you know 541 01:02:39,520 --> 01:02:44,560 the therapist cries right? We're taught to you know hold it holding hold it right that's just 542 01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:50,160 how we're trained in the profession but that's not who I am and so when I need to be vulnerable 543 01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:54,480 I'm okay and I'm present with that moment so I thank you for sharing, I thank you for 544 01:02:55,360 --> 01:03:02,720 feeling safe enough to break with us [ladies agreeing] and to openly say I'm broken. I've been around here 545 01:03:02,720 --> 01:03:09,600 chanting, ranting, raving doing all this but I'm broken and I need help because now your healing 546 01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:16,640 can start, now your sisters know how to support you [ladies agreeing] and you don't have to do that anymore. 547 01:03:16,640 --> 01:03:21,680 You don't have to cover up anything. I'm broken and that's it yeah that's enough. 548 01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:24,426 Thank you for sharing. 549 01:03:26,428 --> 01:03:28,930 --[Candice] Judged. 550 01:03:29,953 --> 01:03:40,167 Just growing up and um you know how you I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture I grew up in a single home. 551 01:03:40,167 --> 01:03:47,086 My dad you know he was abusive and that's how hearing y'all's stories it does bring 552 01:03:47,086 --> 01:03:57,840 back memories. I came like right in on the end with my mom. Me and my brother like 15 months apart and they were barely married 553 01:03:59,040 --> 01:04:04,000 two years give or take and so I didn't see everything that happened with my mom 554 01:04:04,960 --> 01:04:12,240 but I saw how he was with my sister's mom so I can only imagine what my mom went through. I was 555 01:04:12,240 --> 01:04:19,680 a mama's girl and so when you know you're always under your mom and you know you hear things all 556 01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:26,640 of them not good let's be honest and so it was always something negative oh well your daddy did 557 01:04:26,640 --> 01:04:32,560 send your daddy dad and at a young age you know I didn't really see anything it didn't bother me 558 01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:39,600 but when you constantly hear that you started to believe that so the more I heard it the more I 559 01:04:39,600 --> 01:04:45,440 didn't want to have anything to do with my dad Imma just be honest you know and so in a sense 560 01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:52,720 I was you know judging him and so and granted the desires of my heart are to be married or to 561 01:04:52,720 --> 01:04:59,040 have kids but the reason why I can say that I'm not is because I saw my mom struggled 562 01:05:00,160 --> 01:05:06,240 I saw my mom sacrifice us and it's like you know she did what she had to do that's why 563 01:05:06,240 --> 01:05:10,880 it's like I have so much admiration for my mom and no I don't tell her all the time 564 01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:18,000 but my mom she was on her business as a mother and a lot of mothers aren't let's be real a 565 01:05:18,000 --> 01:05:25,360 lot of mothers aren't, but her example it set the tone for me to when I do have kids to be 566 01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:32,240 the the model mom or not perfect because of course my mom wasn't perfect but don't take 567 01:05:32,240 --> 01:05:37,725 for granted the gift of being a mother because nowadays so many mothers do. --[Adrienne] That's true. -- Okay [sighing] 568 01:05:40,193 --> 01:05:46,733 [laughing] 569 01:05:48,458 --> 01:05:49,840 --Okay. Rejected...umm. 570 01:05:52,640 --> 01:06:03,840 For me when I think of rejection the only person that pops up is my mama. Uh mom, I don't 571 01:06:04,880 --> 01:06:13,360 I've always been open that me and my mom don't click [laughing] but uh I think I started doing things 572 01:06:13,360 --> 01:06:17,840 I think I started to believe what she was telling me. She was always telling me I was rebellious 573 01:06:18,400 --> 01:06:25,920 you know you're the middle child you do what you want to do and for me that was a badge of honor 574 01:06:25,920 --> 01:06:34,720 that I didn't follow people but to her it always when she said it it was like I was a bad person 575 01:06:34,720 --> 01:06:44,160 from not doing it her way so uh when I got older I've always felt like it was a controlled thing. 576 01:06:45,040 --> 01:06:53,920 She felt like she couldn't control me so she made me feel you know, a way. 577 01:06:54,960 --> 01:07:01,760 So she accepted my brother and my sister because she could control them but she rejected me because 578 01:07:01,760 --> 01:07:08,000 she couldn't. --[Tamara] Do you remember the first time that you felt rejection from her? How old were you? 579 01:07:10,240 --> 01:07:16,800 --I probably was more aware of it around 15 but I felt it at 18 when I left. When I left I 580 01:07:16,800 --> 01:07:23,360 definitely saw it like you gonna do it your way when I told you to stay so now, do it all the 581 01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:29,040 way. It was no assistance it was nothing. --[Tamara] Do you see rejection playing out anywhere in your life 582 01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:34,640 in your relationship with your own children? --Oh yeah I don't, I don't even really have uh 583 01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:41,520 like I hear stories about how people just be like oh my babies my babies and I'll just be like oh 584 01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:45,840 yeah they're cute all right go over there um I just don't... 585 01:07:47,200 --> 01:07:53,920 I don't know, I don't have that attachment uh like some people do and we were we were like 586 01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:59,600 self-sufficient kids that's another thing. I never really necessarily had the nurturing 587 01:08:00,240 --> 01:08:06,160 that thing, I've always kind of been like things are what they are you know. I don't do the 588 01:08:07,200 --> 01:08:12,080 babying thing really well, I don't, I don't have that thing. I love my kids 589 01:08:12,080 --> 01:08:18,400 because we didn't hang with my parents like that they were never in the same space anyway so it was 590 01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:26,480 I didn't have that one-on-one thing and it was just none of that so I don't have that to really 591 01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:31,520 give. I don't think I caught on to being a mother until I had my third child, I don't want her to 592 01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:38,080 feel rejected because I don't, I didn't know how to do it. I just don't. --[Tamara] So I think that's the place 593 01:08:38,080 --> 01:08:43,200 where you might need to do a little bit of work a little bit of deeper work in terms of are you 594 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:48,720 ready and willing to break the cycle? It's never too late to establish something new with your 595 01:08:48,720 --> 01:08:55,360 children right? And so because you didn't get the attachment and the nurturing thing 596 01:08:55,920 --> 01:09:03,280 until your third child your first two kids are already probably into the repeat of the cycle and 597 01:09:03,280 --> 01:09:08,640 so in order for you to disrupt you have to create something new yeah but in order to break the cycle 598 01:09:08,640 --> 01:09:14,320 of rejection because you're getting ready to be your grandma right? -[Angel] Yeah. --Yeah and so if you don't 599 01:09:14,320 --> 01:09:19,520 get it together yeah remember your grandchild you may you know display that same thing and 600 01:09:19,520 --> 01:09:24,880 there's a different role for grandmothers right they are all of that and so it's important to be 601 01:09:24,880 --> 01:09:33,840 able to exhibit that to your kids and so then shift how your generation looks for the future. 602 01:09:40,011 --> 01:09:42,011 --[Teresa] Controlled. [sighing] 603 01:09:44,560 --> 01:09:47,840 --Controlled for almost 25 years. 604 01:09:51,440 --> 01:09:54,320 In a very manipulative way. --[Mel] Yeah. 605 01:09:57,760 --> 01:10:04,160 --Control to to having a relationship in which 606 01:10:06,240 --> 01:10:13,360 you felt like you were at the bottom. You were the last person 607 01:10:13,360 --> 01:10:20,000 that was important. Control to the point of don't go to church because 608 01:10:21,200 --> 01:10:28,080 you don't need to go. Control because why are you singing there's a lot of people singing up there 609 01:10:29,120 --> 01:10:36,560 they don't need you. I couldn't have children on my own because I had cancer when I was 28 610 01:10:37,840 --> 01:10:44,720 and they had to remove my uterus, and I always thought that I wasn't going to have children. 611 01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:49,600 My social worker knocks on my door and she said Teresa sit down 612 01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:55,360 get a piece of paper, and I said okay and she gave me three names 613 01:10:57,360 --> 01:11:06,880 and the ages, one girl three years, old another girl two years old, and a little boy nine months old. 614 01:11:09,360 --> 01:11:11,840 [ladies gasping] God was waiting for my little boy to be born 615 01:11:14,720 --> 01:11:19,440 Once I got my kids I thought that this was going to go away 616 01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:26,720 because I thought that the reason why this was happening was because I was never able to give 617 01:11:26,720 --> 01:11:33,200 him a child that's what I thought all the time and that's one of the reasons why I felt so 618 01:11:34,080 --> 01:11:41,200 low and my self-esteem was so low because I didn't feel I was a woman enough for him because 619 01:11:41,200 --> 01:11:48,800 I couldn't give him the thing that he wanted. After I moved out with the kids he brought his nephew 620 01:11:48,800 --> 01:11:55,200 which I saw him grow ever since he was four years old and I knew that this boy was going to be trouble. 621 01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:59,680 And he brought him to live with him because he thought that he could fix him. 622 01:12:02,160 --> 01:12:10,320 When I am at church on a prayer night that I usually don't go because I had the kids 623 01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:19,200 and that night I said to my friend let's go let's go to prayer night tonight at 12 midnight we 624 01:12:19,200 --> 01:12:26,720 start praying for for the for our children and for protection for our children. At one o'clock 625 01:12:26,720 --> 01:12:32,480 in the morning the lord tells me go home. I see my phone and I see two missed calls from my ex. 626 01:12:33,440 --> 01:12:39,600 When I try to hear a voice message that his aunt left me, I started shaking, I grabbed my keys 627 01:12:40,240 --> 01:12:45,920 and I drove as fast as I could. And I go in there and I said to the police officer where are my kids? 628 01:12:47,440 --> 01:12:53,440 And she said I don't know, and when I look inside the house all I see is blood on the floor. 629 01:12:55,440 --> 01:13:02,000 When I see my exes aunt coming out of the house and I said where are the kids? So she started 630 01:13:02,000 --> 01:13:09,680 explaining to me that the nephew um was listening to foul music and my ex came and told him to turn 631 01:13:09,680 --> 01:13:17,840 it down because the kids were there, um when he told him no and my ex just closed his laptop 632 01:13:18,720 --> 01:13:25,200 he just jumped on him with a knife and started to stab him in front of the children. 633 01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:33,680 When we were praying for protection at 12 midnight this was what happened. My oldest girl 634 01:13:34,240 --> 01:13:39,680 grabbed the other two and she hides them in the closet. My ex didn't want to call 635 01:13:39,680 --> 01:13:45,440 the police because it was his nephew, then he called the neighbor to take him to the hospital 636 01:13:45,440 --> 01:13:52,240 and he leaves the kids in the house with him. That young man comes out of the house 637 01:13:53,280 --> 01:14:00,320 with a smile of the devil. I had never seen the devil so real like the face of that kid. 638 01:14:01,200 --> 01:14:06,640 The officer comes with me through the house and I have never seen anything in my life. Everything 639 01:14:06,640 --> 01:14:13,680 was broken, there was blood everywhere. I see my little kids and they were mommy we were praying 640 01:14:13,680 --> 01:14:21,280 for you to come and get us! But I knew that at that moment god had saved my kids and protected them 641 01:14:23,040 --> 01:14:30,640 but that's one of the reasons why god told me escape for your life. --[Adrienne] Wow. -- Because if i would 642 01:14:30,640 --> 01:14:35,600 have been in that moment in that house, I don't know what would have happened. 643 01:14:38,240 --> 01:14:41,840 --[Tamara] You stayed in a controlling situation 644 01:14:43,600 --> 01:14:52,560 waiting for god to move on his behalf but he didn't want god to move on his behalf. 645 01:14:52,560 --> 01:15:00,160 And so god needed to work with you and he needed to speak to you and say escape that's your only exit. 646 01:15:02,800 --> 01:15:05,360 So thank you for being able to heed the voice of god 647 01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:14,080 to know what you need to do and I'm sure you were scared out of your mind but you did it anyway and 648 01:15:14,080 --> 01:15:20,480 I'm so grateful that you live to tell the story [ladies agreeing] and to share with us to impact women to know 649 01:15:20,480 --> 01:15:26,880 because domestic violence is very real [ladies agreeing] and women need to know no matter how long it's been 650 01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,760 no day is ever too late unless it's the day that they take your life. 651 01:15:31,760 --> 01:15:38,910 [music playing] 652 01:15:38,910 --> 01:15:43,966 --[Tamara] When we start to talk about these things the brain will start to process the trauma 653 01:15:43,966 --> 01:15:48,210 and it will start to connect things that have happened in the past to things that are happening currently. 654 01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:55,801 If we don't heal we're going to pass that thing down to our children to their children and we'll see it manifests in so many different ways. 655 01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:58,804 --[Adrienne] Everybody got rocks? 656 01:16:00,806 --> 01:16:18,908 [ladies chatting] 657 01:16:20,910 --> 01:16:35,799 [wind howling] 658 01:16:37,440 --> 01:16:45,120 --[Tamara] All right so ladies you can drop the rocks, drop the rocks. I just need each person take 10 seconds 659 01:16:45,120 --> 01:16:49,760 and tell me what you thought the purpose of the exercise was. --At first I was like what the hell 660 01:16:49,760 --> 01:16:54,560 am I holding these rocks for but then after just clowning about it I realized that it's 661 01:16:54,560 --> 01:17:00,240 a lot of weight that we carry and until we decide to drop it is when things are changed. 662 01:17:00,800 --> 01:17:07,280 --I thought it was to see how long we were going to carry it. -- Um I thought about how there were 663 01:17:07,280 --> 01:17:12,080 different number of rocks in each bag one was um had more rocks than the other and I was just 664 01:17:12,080 --> 01:17:17,440 thinking about balance. -- I was thinking more about the weight because I heard a few people saying 665 01:17:18,000 --> 01:17:22,560 that they were too heavy but mine weren't that heavy so I was like okay i'm just gonna wait and 666 01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:28,560 see when are they gonna tell us to put them down. --Why are we holding them when we don't have to? 667 01:17:29,520 --> 01:17:35,280 --I was very, I was actually uncomfortable putting them down because you know, that's life, but I put them 668 01:17:35,280 --> 01:17:40,480 down because I heard everybody say well what if it's about putting them down? --Well at first I was 669 01:17:40,480 --> 01:17:45,440 thinking like okay why are we holding these rocks um and then I thought and I said it out 670 01:17:45,440 --> 01:17:50,880 loud I said they don't belong to me so why am I carrying this these rocks? --What kind of attitude 671 01:17:50,880 --> 01:17:57,200 do we have when we are carrying something or when we going through something? --I automatically thought 672 01:17:57,200 --> 01:18:03,360 rock of ages care for thee let me hide myself in me. --I saw this as a trust building exercise 673 01:18:03,360 --> 01:18:08,800 where it says upon this rock I built my church and so even though I didn't know what the next set of 674 01:18:08,800 --> 01:18:15,280 instruction was I just centered myself focused on my breathing remained calm. -- Nikiya had it best 675 01:18:15,280 --> 01:18:21,120 in terms of the purpose of the exercise was for you guys to decide we have to make a decision and 676 01:18:21,120 --> 01:18:28,240 we don't need permission from anyone else to put down things that hurt us. I said to hold the rocks. 677 01:18:28,240 --> 01:18:34,240 I never told you that you couldn't put the rocks down. I never told you any other instruction other 678 01:18:34,240 --> 01:18:41,760 than that because I wanted to give you free will to do what you felt you needed to do for you. 679 01:18:41,760 --> 01:18:48,880 How long will we carry pain before we make a decision? So Miss Jennie was the first person to identify 680 01:18:48,880 --> 01:18:54,720 we can put them down but Miss Jennie didn't put hers down right because there was not a collective yes. 681 01:18:54,720 --> 01:19:02,640 You guys were focused, Sound was completely in the experience but to hold the pain. To hold the pain. 682 01:19:03,520 --> 01:19:10,000 So this is about understanding when it's time right I can drop this I don't have to do this 683 01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:16,480 I refuse to continue. So the next part of this exercise is you wrote some things on some paper 684 01:19:16,480 --> 01:19:21,360 which should be fresh in your mind. I want you to open up the rocks and I want you to pick 685 01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:26,000 out the rocks that represents the weight of those things that you wrote on your list. 686 01:19:29,973 --> 01:19:35,840 [bags crinkling] [music playing] 687 01:19:41,040 --> 01:19:42,720 --When you guys have the rocks that you need 688 01:19:42,720 --> 01:19:46,824 please drop the bag. [rocks hitting ground] 689 01:19:56,160 --> 01:19:58,640 I want you guys to think about what you wrote on the list, 690 01:19:59,680 --> 01:20:04,080 think about the pain that you've endured from that. Think about where you've held that pain 691 01:20:04,080 --> 01:20:08,800 in your body and you're going to turn behind you you're going to walk over 692 01:20:08,800 --> 01:20:15,040 and when you're ready you're going to release the pain by throwing the rocks. 693 01:20:16,019 --> 01:20:18,814 [music playing] 694 01:20:20,960 --> 01:20:26,000 It's your job to take the tools that we give and build a house. Now if you choose to build 695 01:20:26,000 --> 01:20:31,760 a house with your hand which we know is very impossible then what can we do right? We can't 696 01:20:31,760 --> 01:20:36,640 do anything so we can only provide you with the things that you need but you must do the work. 697 01:20:41,040 --> 01:20:48,800 --At one point I wanted to ask for more instruction and I also wanted to ask if we could put them down 698 01:20:49,360 --> 01:20:53,440 but I didn't and that's something that is a reflection upon me because I'm 699 01:20:53,440 --> 01:21:01,200 always seeking permission and there's a quote that I learned from Lisa Nichols about stop 700 01:21:01,200 --> 01:21:10,800 giving permission and start serving notice and that's something I need to be more active 701 01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:21,040 actively applying every day. I was raised to not do anything unless I was given permission to do so 702 01:21:21,680 --> 01:21:29,280 there was that fear of not being given the permission to do so and so I didn't. 703 01:21:29,280 --> 01:21:32,960 --I want to be transparent okay. We're holding something oh I'm holding something that I'm not supposed to be holding 704 01:21:33,840 --> 01:21:38,800 you know because once I saw you just looking you know I start looking at it through a different 705 01:21:38,800 --> 01:21:45,520 view and now here's the transparency of it is that when I said that I want to put them down 706 01:21:45,520 --> 01:21:52,560 and I picked them back up and so many times in our lives we look for affirmation you know from people 707 01:21:52,560 --> 01:21:56,880 you know to see what other people want to do or either people just bring the pain on you know 708 01:21:56,880 --> 01:22:02,880 see what they say about it and I purposely found the biggest black rock I could find in my bag 709 01:22:03,680 --> 01:22:09,200 you know and to me that rock represent darkness of all the darkness that the pain brought in no 710 01:22:09,200 --> 01:22:13,920 matter which direction it came from it's still in the one big dark space in my life 711 01:22:14,640 --> 01:22:23,840 you know so I threw the old Jennie aboard over with all the darkness and I want the new Jennie. [ladies agreeing] 712 01:22:25,920 --> 01:22:32,960 --I'm a carrier so because I'm a carrier I carry everything. I thought going into this that one of 713 01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:39,120 the biggest rocks I would have picked up to get rid of was rejection because i dealt with that 714 01:22:39,920 --> 01:22:46,240 um but it wasn't. Uh I literally had to look up the definition of invalidation 715 01:22:47,840 --> 01:22:54,960 and when you look it up it means to make less official to make less true. 716 01:22:54,960 --> 01:23:03,600 That is the biggest thing that I deal with is feeling invalidated because I have, I have a big 717 01:23:03,600 --> 01:23:13,520 issue. I do not complete tasks. I do not complete assignments. I literally for the last nine years 718 01:23:14,640 --> 01:23:23,280 have had one class to finish to get my degree and have yet to do that. Invalidation. 719 01:23:26,320 --> 01:23:27,200 I literally, on my job... 720 01:23:29,680 --> 01:23:33,200 I need certain certification and I will be the one 721 01:23:33,200 --> 01:23:38,400 I will research all the information get all information gather it. Put that over there. 722 01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:42,880 I've been supposed to be writing the second book for the last year. 723 01:23:44,960 --> 01:23:50,480 Can't do it. And all of that sums up in validation 724 01:23:51,520 --> 01:24:02,240 because everything starts and stops and I feel less official. You said pick up pick up the rocks right 725 01:24:02,960 --> 01:24:07,600 so when I looked into one bag I had all these rocks they were real heavy in that bag. 726 01:24:07,600 --> 01:24:12,400 So then I added some more from the other bag and put them in that bag because invalidation is so 727 01:24:12,400 --> 01:24:19,200 heavy for me. I had to literally refill the bag and I said see these little ones right here, I dealt 728 01:24:19,200 --> 01:24:23,680 with rejection, I dealt with feeling used, I've dealt with feeling disrespected, i dealt with being 729 01:24:23,680 --> 01:24:28,000 judged, one thing no one ever can do is control me, I've dealt with being attacked. That stuff 730 01:24:29,280 --> 01:24:34,960 didn't hold no weight outside of invalidation and being heartbroken so I said this one bag is going 731 01:24:34,960 --> 01:24:39,200 to represent everything so every single rock in this bag is going to represent invalidation 732 01:24:39,200 --> 01:24:43,760 and being heartbroken so I'ma throw all these rocks these little rocks right here this is 733 01:24:43,760 --> 01:24:48,160 just going to be the reminder of everything that I made it out of. You can't use me no 734 01:24:48,160 --> 01:24:53,280 more, you can't disrespect me no more, you can't reject me because i don't even hold on to that. 735 01:24:53,280 --> 01:25:03,440 That is why I'm here because I, I cannot move forward in life feeling like I'm less than. 736 01:25:04,320 --> 01:25:12,080 I can't and I told Adrienne I said I'm tired of these narcissistic people coming into my 737 01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:17,760 life and Adrienne said but why? Why do you think they coming? For the life of me I didn't get 738 01:25:17,760 --> 01:25:24,160 it but I get it now why they come in my life and it's because of this feeling of invalidation 739 01:25:24,160 --> 01:25:29,920 and being just heartbroken. Like I was married before like my mom and dad have no idea I was 740 01:25:29,920 --> 01:25:38,000 married before, I hid that very well and when I married him he was in jail. You feel invalidated 741 01:25:38,000 --> 01:25:45,760 you're gonna do some crazy stuff. And he was supposed to come home April 24 2010. 742 01:25:47,440 --> 01:25:59,040 When he didn't come home April 24th in 2010 and them cops literally harassed me, followed me, 743 01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:10,560 pulled me over, pulled guns on us, I ain't never in my life, felt so less than. Ever. 744 01:26:12,640 --> 01:26:22,080 I didn't understand the weight of uh invalidation until today. 745 01:26:22,080 --> 01:26:29,200 I'm like now I'm like oh the rock has been thrown therefore I can't walk in that no more. 746 01:26:29,840 --> 01:26:35,840 So I got to do my little one class to get this good degree [ladies cheering] 747 01:26:39,760 --> 01:26:43,360 I got a lot to do [ladies agreeing] but I'm gonna do it now. 748 01:26:44,000 --> 01:26:49,840 --[Adrienne] And we're gonna hold you accountable and get all of us as a tribe. 749 01:26:52,000 --> 01:26:58,720 --I'm one of those people if I'm given a task I just to me, I have to see it through. Like literally 750 01:26:58,720 --> 01:27:01,120 I would have been the person still out there freezing to death 751 01:27:02,000 --> 01:27:10,000 holding them because I committed to doing it so I would have just literally held them um... 752 01:27:11,760 --> 01:27:19,520 I will say when we went to finally get rid of them um the rock that I held onto 753 01:27:22,960 --> 01:27:31,840 the one that I labeled was the rejection [crying] 754 01:27:34,960 --> 01:27:45,840 That was my word from earlier. And I gave my surface answer 755 01:27:47,360 --> 01:27:56,400 but I realized not right in that moment more like after it was over that what I actually 756 01:27:56,400 --> 01:28:08,240 reject is emotion, which is why I don't react to things like other people um and It's a choice 757 01:28:09,200 --> 01:28:17,520 because I associate emotion with pain not pleasure even though I know there's pleasure in emotion. 758 01:28:17,520 --> 01:28:24,080 I don't like it, I don't like going there. This morning when I realized we were doing this 759 01:28:24,080 --> 01:28:30,400 I was in the mood, I didn't want to dig. And I apologize to anyone that noticed it. 760 01:28:30,400 --> 01:28:36,240 I was very closed off uh I was present you know and I definitely participated and none 761 01:28:36,240 --> 01:28:42,080 of it was fake but I didn't go as deep as I know I could have because I don't like this, 762 01:28:42,960 --> 01:28:50,080 I don't like this. I don't like the way I feel um when I do stuff like this. I don't even know how to 763 01:28:51,600 --> 01:28:55,840 really receive it. I don't like it. I associate emotion 764 01:28:57,680 --> 01:29:02,720 with pain that's the best way I can explain it. I don't want to attach. 765 01:29:05,120 --> 01:29:10,160 It's because I'm not allowing myself to feel it so... 766 01:29:11,200 --> 01:29:16,880 I held it for a while and I let it go because I decided that I just don't want to be that way anymore. 767 01:29:19,440 --> 01:29:21,440 I want to be emotionally available. 768 01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:25,200 So I can go where I'm supposed to go and do what I'm supposed to do. 769 01:29:28,480 --> 01:29:35,200 --[Tamara] So i just want us to be present for Angel at this moment and I just want you to 770 01:29:35,200 --> 01:29:40,720 feel whatever you feel and know that you're safe with us without rejection 771 01:29:40,720 --> 01:29:48,720 and know that you're okay you're safe. --We carry things that we are not supposed to be carrying. 772 01:29:48,720 --> 01:29:55,360 When she says that sometimes we put them down and sometimes we pick them up again because that's 773 01:29:55,360 --> 01:30:02,800 our nature especially us women we we tend to be the caregivers the the ones that take care of 774 01:30:02,800 --> 01:30:11,040 everybody but themselves and we take, we tend to be the problem solver in the house and we 775 01:30:11,040 --> 01:30:19,840 carry those and take them back instead of leaving them down and setting ourselves free. 776 01:30:19,840 --> 01:30:27,797 🎵 Walk inside your strength, yeah, yeah, don't let know one hold you back again.🎵 777 01:30:28,800 --> 01:30:33,840 --[Tamara] So Jondahlyn how does it feel and what does it mean to you to be a part of the fearless storytellers? 778 01:30:34,480 --> 01:30:43,440 --Wow so um first of all i'd say about a year more ago no more than a year ago I just wouldn't even 779 01:30:43,440 --> 01:30:49,760 believe that i'd be in this place because um to be a part of this movement with women who 780 01:30:49,760 --> 01:30:58,000 can understand part of my story and joining with a tribe that is fearlessly telling their story 781 01:30:58,000 --> 01:31:04,640 removing the muscle - the muzzle gave me permission to say guess what? I do have some broken parts of 782 01:31:04,640 --> 01:31:10,720 my life but it doesn't make up the whole of me. So joining the movement and being able to write it 783 01:31:11,760 --> 01:31:18,560 and then share it with the world it's a freedom. I feel like I can finally breathe. So my 784 01:31:19,120 --> 01:31:25,840 chapter in the book is called the rebound chick --The rebound chick? --The rebound chick. --Okay. 785 01:31:25,840 --> 01:31:32,320 -And um it's not as most people would suppose but in my story I really just 786 01:31:32,320 --> 01:31:38,400 take you through a journey of how I grew up a pastor's kids we were taught how to talk 787 01:31:38,400 --> 01:31:45,600 how to speak how to dress how to walk and all things were basically scripted. So I talk in the 788 01:31:45,600 --> 01:31:51,440 story about how most of my life I felt like I was on stage. I felt like I was a performer. 789 01:31:52,400 --> 01:31:59,920 I felt like I had to be perfect in order to be accepted. I learned how to be a servant leader. 790 01:31:59,920 --> 01:32:07,920 I learned that everything was about serving others but i'll be honest I was never taught to give 791 01:32:07,920 --> 01:32:16,800 myself oxygen first. I wasn't taught that I was important so what I did, I got involved in these 792 01:32:16,800 --> 01:32:23,920 relationships where I thought my job was to serve in these relationships these marriages because 793 01:32:23,920 --> 01:32:31,840 I had multiple marriages two, failed marriages, I thought that my job was to be their Jesus to save 794 01:32:31,840 --> 01:32:38,240 them because I did not like all of the seasons of my parents marriage. Once they got what they needed 795 01:32:39,760 --> 01:32:44,640 they you know they were gone they didn't need me anymore and so I was broken I didn't know what 796 01:32:44,640 --> 01:32:49,040 to do. --So let me ask you this because there was times when it wasn't working out right? 797 01:32:49,760 --> 01:32:56,320 And you reached out to some of your sisters you reached out to Adrienne as a matter of fact and 798 01:32:56,880 --> 01:33:04,960 Adreinne simply told you, I'm not praying for this this foolishness. I will not be participating. 799 01:33:04,960 --> 01:33:09,920 Do you remember that moment? --Do I remember it i'll never forget [laughing] --Talk to me about that. 800 01:33:10,640 --> 01:33:18,320 So Adrienne, I reached out to Adrienne when I was in what I call the belly of the whale. My marriage was 801 01:33:18,320 --> 01:33:23,280 completely falling apart. I could not make that man love me the way I thought that I should be loved. 802 01:33:25,360 --> 01:33:32,800 And so I reached out to her now mind you when I reached out to her not really realizing it but 803 01:33:32,800 --> 01:33:40,720 I was still in that vein of being on stage you know? No one must know that i'm a hot mess and 804 01:33:40,720 --> 01:33:49,840 i'm completely falling apart and it moves me to tears because when I think about how I reached out 805 01:33:50,960 --> 01:34:01,200 to give my you know spirit-filled deeply spiritual plea for help but even when I did that with Adrienne 806 01:34:01,200 --> 01:34:10,160 I pre-wrote my speech to just pour my heart out to her to ask for help um and for 807 01:34:10,160 --> 01:34:16,160 her to serve in my life to just help pray for my marriage to work and she shut me all the way down. 808 01:34:17,200 --> 01:34:22,720 [laughing] And she said i'm not praying for that, that's foolish. But when I tell you 809 01:34:26,000 --> 01:34:27,280 after she shut me down... 810 01:34:29,600 --> 01:34:35,200 and I began to pray for her, I know that it was god because 811 01:34:36,400 --> 01:34:42,080 I couldn't shake her, I couldn't shake her, and I was like I have to reach back 812 01:34:42,080 --> 01:34:47,840 out to her because i'm still dying. I was still literally dying, I wanted to 813 01:34:48,400 --> 01:34:53,760 commit to, I wanted to kill myself but I was so spiritual but something kept leading me to her. 814 01:34:55,200 --> 01:35:04,160 And I reached back and I had to allow her to speak into my life and I know that was 815 01:35:04,160 --> 01:35:08,400 god because normally I was shutting my own mother down. She was trying to advise me 816 01:35:09,040 --> 01:35:14,880 that I was operating in pride she told me that. My mother told me you're operating in pride and 817 01:35:14,880 --> 01:35:20,720 idolatry because you are worshiping this drama this man and you would not allow god to break you. 818 01:35:21,920 --> 01:35:27,680 Now it was easy to shut my mother down but when I allowed Adrienne to speak into my life 819 01:35:27,680 --> 01:35:33,760 we stayed on the phone [crying] and this is the sacrifice she made for me which is why I love her so deeply. 820 01:35:33,760 --> 01:35:41,440 And I know that she was sent straight from heaven. She labored long with me. She stayed on that phone 821 01:35:41,440 --> 01:35:46,800 and she would not let me go [crying]. I was literally sitting in the driveway of my parents house 822 01:35:48,240 --> 01:35:57,040 and it was nighttime. She stayed on the phone with me literally from the going down of one day 823 01:35:57,760 --> 01:36:04,960 to the rising of another. [laughing] I saw the sun set and rise again, she labored with me and she called out 824 01:36:05,920 --> 01:36:12,160 all these things that my mother had already for- told to me. She told me I needed to ask god to 825 01:36:12,160 --> 01:36:18,160 forgive me for operating in pride, I needed to go basically rededicate my life because i'm 826 01:36:18,160 --> 01:36:23,200 worshiping the situation and the very god that I ministered to the world about is the very god 827 01:36:23,200 --> 01:36:29,760 I did not believe could do it for me. --When I saw the opportunity to become a storyteller I thought 828 01:36:29,760 --> 01:36:35,920 about the different stories that kept me engaged and that brought life to my imagination and so I 829 01:36:35,920 --> 01:36:41,920 felt that if I wrote my story in third person I would be able to share that artistic expression 830 01:36:41,920 --> 01:36:49,840 that I so enjoy myself, also as a thriver of domestic violence I wanted to continue my 831 01:36:49,840 --> 01:36:55,840 healing process in my journey and so I felt that first person would keep me really connected to the 832 01:36:55,840 --> 01:37:02,000 events that happened and so not to disassociate myself but to just continue in that healing vein. 833 01:37:02,000 --> 01:37:07,600 I felt that third person would allow me to step outside of myself and see myself through 834 01:37:07,600 --> 01:37:14,640 the journey to continue my healing process and to encourage others to heal as well . --[Tamara] You call yourself 835 01:37:14,640 --> 01:37:22,640 a domestic thriver and not a domestic violence survivor. Why such a significant difference? 836 01:37:23,280 --> 01:37:29,120 --Yes so when I was in a survivor phase of the situation I was just making it day to day. 837 01:37:29,120 --> 01:37:34,240 I was always on edge. I was always looking over my shoulder just trying to figure out what I 838 01:37:34,240 --> 01:37:42,400 needed to do in that moment. When I was surviving I was never fully present. I was always stressed 839 01:37:42,400 --> 01:37:48,960 and that was not a way for me to live. So once I, once I realized that I could move past that phase 840 01:37:48,960 --> 01:37:56,560 I said you know what, it's time for me to live and to thrive. So in thriving i'm able to just be 841 01:37:56,560 --> 01:38:03,120 spontaneous to find joy in the situation and even when I have to recall the details of what happened 842 01:38:03,120 --> 01:38:09,520 to me i'm no longer stressed and I no longer have the trauma in my cellular memory because 843 01:38:09,520 --> 01:38:16,720 I have released it and I can continue to grow and to bloom and to soar. Just look at yourself 844 01:38:17,600 --> 01:38:24,160 and see yourself being whole because you have children who are looking to you for their strength 845 01:38:24,720 --> 01:38:29,840 however you're unable to help anyone until you help yourself. 846 01:38:29,840 --> 01:38:31,840 [music playing] 847 01:38:38,560 --> 01:38:44,400 --[Tamara] Good morning ladies. So last night you guys were given an assignment and the assignment was 848 01:38:44,400 --> 01:38:50,960 for you to write a letter to your sister and the purpose of this assignment is for bonding 849 01:38:50,960 --> 01:38:57,840 for women to be able to display to the world that we can develop sisterhood 850 01:38:58,560 --> 01:39:05,200 from people individuals and other women who we don't know whom we've never met but we shared 851 01:39:05,200 --> 01:39:11,840 the same story. --[Mel] To my dearest sister Miss Jennie. It has been an absolute honor to have met you. 852 01:39:13,280 --> 01:39:22,080 [crying] I just love your spirit because I think of you as a butterfly. When a butterfly gets ready to leave 853 01:39:22,880 --> 01:39:29,440 it's outgrown its present circumstance. It has to struggle. It has to fidget 854 01:39:30,400 --> 01:39:37,920 and it has to squirm. It has to agitate the walls of the cocoon until eventually 855 01:39:37,920 --> 01:39:45,920 the walls will break. Starting next year you are going to begin your process of release and emerge 856 01:39:46,560 --> 01:39:53,840 and i'm so excited to see the butterfly that you're becoming I love you very much. You got this. 857 01:40:00,080 --> 01:40:07,840 --Dear Candice, reading your story made me realize how much we have gone through 858 01:40:08,400 --> 01:40:17,280 that are similar situations that connects us to be relatable to each other. I always felt rejected 859 01:40:17,840 --> 01:40:23,360 by my dad. Before I was born he had my older brother 860 01:40:25,120 --> 01:40:32,240 and three sisters. After all these years I have prayed and asked god for healing. 861 01:40:33,840 --> 01:40:40,800 Take refuge in his love when those dark days come. Know that 862 01:40:40,800 --> 01:40:52,480 your father is waiting for you with open arms. When I see you, I see joy. When I see you, I see laughter. 863 01:40:54,880 --> 01:41:07,200 When I see you, I see a fearless storyteller I can call my sister. --Thank you so much, thank you. 864 01:41:08,320 --> 01:41:13,680 --I needed that so much. --Dear fearless storyteller movement sister Chelsia. 865 01:41:14,960 --> 01:41:22,080 Your angle of love has come from pure passion and pain. My heart breaks 866 01:41:23,200 --> 01:41:30,560 that just like mine, your first sweetie was a cheater. I am so sorry he had so many children 867 01:41:30,560 --> 01:41:36,000 outside of your union. Thank you for giving yourself the permission to love and love again. 868 01:41:37,040 --> 01:41:42,000 When children see their mothers happy and loved it gives them hope of a brighter future. 869 01:41:42,800 --> 01:41:47,680 It allows them to see that even after bad breakups love can prevail. 870 01:41:49,520 --> 01:41:56,400 Losing a loved one is never easy especially a spouse so i've been told. I am so sorry you were 871 01:41:56,400 --> 01:42:03,040 widowed at such a young age. When you have thoughts of negativity and defeat it's okay to talk it out 872 01:42:03,600 --> 01:42:10,000 write it out and shout it out. But you do not have permission to stay there. You do 873 01:42:10,000 --> 01:42:16,720 not have permission to live there. You are more than a conqueror. Your children are more than 874 01:42:16,720 --> 01:42:27,840 conquerors. At the end of the day god is love and your story is your glory. You are an amazing mother. 875 01:42:29,233 --> 01:42:31,233 --Thank you. --Love you. 876 01:42:34,400 --> 01:42:45,280 --To my dear beloved sister Chris aka Mama Chris. I can relate as I have 877 01:42:45,280 --> 01:42:51,040 spent a great portion of my life hiding behind the veil of shame and heartbreak 878 01:42:52,720 --> 01:43:00,640 your soul and your voice was once silenced although you were screaming to the top of 879 01:43:00,640 --> 01:43:09,840 your lungs on the inside but it was as if no one heard you. Your innocence was taken from you 880 01:43:10,960 --> 01:43:20,960 and you were used even as a sex object. These experiences took you to a deeper depth into 881 01:43:20,960 --> 01:43:31,280 exclusion, into feeling like an outcast from your family, from your friends, from your community. 882 01:43:32,480 --> 01:43:39,920 The stigmas that were set by your family must have added to those feelings of unworthiness 883 01:43:40,560 --> 01:43:46,640 and low self-esteem. I want you to know my sister that every negative secret, 884 01:43:47,920 --> 01:43:57,920 sexual violation, abuse and shame, they do not define the whole of who the beautiful you 885 01:43:58,640 --> 01:44:11,040 is. You are a part of the beautiful rainbow that makes up all of god's creation. I love you. --Love you too. 886 01:44:16,320 --> 01:44:23,920 --To my dearest sister girl, Sound Whisdom. Holy his dominion. I'm so glad you have finally used your 887 01:44:23,920 --> 01:44:29,920 voice that you have decided to stand and no longer walk in shame of life's decisions that 888 01:44:29,920 --> 01:44:35,920 carried you on this journey of healing, declaring and decreeing, coming out of agreement with that 889 01:44:36,560 --> 01:44:42,880 which was meant to destroy you and your voice. You didn't deserve to be abused, to be used, to 890 01:44:42,880 --> 01:44:51,120 be shamed. You didn't deserve for you to feel as if love should hurt. Great men and women are born 891 01:44:51,120 --> 01:44:59,360 for the time in which they are needed the most. You are yet still here because you are needed the most. 892 01:45:00,800 --> 01:45:08,400 You my sister have moved forward and continue to allow the light of god 893 01:45:09,680 --> 01:45:20,640 to shine through you. Until all have heard, Sound Whisdom, sound glory, sound praise, sound mind, 894 01:45:21,600 --> 01:45:31,840 sound everything. You have been made whole. You my dear, have been made whole. --Love you. --Thank you. 895 01:45:38,000 --> 01:45:46,480 --Dear Jondahlyn, as we discussed last night this project introduced us to each other a little 896 01:45:46,480 --> 01:45:55,600 over a year ago. I met you just two days ago and my first impression of you was love. I feel that you 897 01:45:55,600 --> 01:46:05,440 are a lover of people. Without me saying a word our first encounter consisted of you with open arms 898 01:46:05,440 --> 01:46:13,040 giving me a hug. No shade as little as you are, you have and give hugs that are two times your size. 899 01:46:14,160 --> 01:46:21,840 This to me equates your big heart. So yes sister you are a performer, however over the last two days 900 01:46:21,840 --> 01:46:28,560 in my eyes it has been a positive performance. You bared your heart and cried tears that 901 01:46:28,560 --> 01:46:36,880 equate strength. Your crazy musical ad-libs and sayings are hilarious. Most importantly 902 01:46:37,600 --> 01:46:43,760 your personality exhibits to me that you aren't a standoffish individual. 903 01:46:45,040 --> 01:46:49,920 So my sister my advice to you and suggestion is that you keep 904 01:46:49,920 --> 01:46:57,520 performing positively. And I absolutely positively love you. --Awe love you, thank you. 905 01:47:00,160 --> 01:47:07,840 --Dear Mel, when I think of you the words that come to mind is compassion and humility. 906 01:47:08,560 --> 01:47:15,280 I think of you choosing to cry later as if your pain was not important enough to show 907 01:47:16,800 --> 01:47:19,600 but in the midst of you putting yourself lower for others 908 01:47:20,400 --> 01:47:26,800 you forgot that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must always, always take care of you. 909 01:47:28,400 --> 01:47:34,800 Your transparency is unmatched. You never speak as if you're going to hold anything back. 910 01:47:35,440 --> 01:47:42,240 Instead you show total vulnerability. You gave your pain and desperation a voice. 911 01:47:42,960 --> 01:47:50,160 You spoke to it not allowing it to break you even though you felt that you were very lost. 912 01:47:50,160 --> 01:47:55,040 We all know that god shielded you on that day that you felt that you didn't want to live 913 01:47:55,040 --> 01:48:02,480 anymore but your free will did kick in, and even though you saw eggs as your reason to survive, 914 01:48:03,360 --> 01:48:08,800 the eggs for me symbolize something else. Eggs do one of two things under pressure. 915 01:48:10,240 --> 01:48:17,280 They can either get very hard or they can break and become soft. After what life has shown you 916 01:48:17,280 --> 01:48:24,640 you could have gotten really hard but instead you allowed yourself to be broken open and softened up. 917 01:48:25,840 --> 01:48:32,400 You use that openness and softness to finally begin healing and also being a blessing for others. 918 01:48:33,920 --> 01:48:40,400 You are such an amazing mother. I know that just from the look in your eyes when you speak of them 919 01:48:41,200 --> 01:48:47,040 whether you're talking about brownies or using the pot it is a lot of joy when you 920 01:48:47,040 --> 01:48:53,040 speak of your children. I admire that so much about you. You are worthy of love. 921 01:48:54,000 --> 01:49:01,520 You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of peace and your sanity. Something tells me from here on out 922 01:49:03,120 --> 01:49:13,840 the only tears that you will be crying will be from joy and not pain. Love Angel. 923 01:49:15,600 --> 01:49:16,960 --My dearest Teresa. 924 01:49:19,200 --> 01:49:25,200 Wow, you did it! You have a global platform. 925 01:49:26,240 --> 01:49:31,520 And god used your brokenness to thrust you years into your future. 926 01:49:34,000 --> 01:49:37,680 People will seek you out trying to find out how did you do this. 927 01:49:40,160 --> 01:49:44,000 I feel and see god's heart when I hear your words. 928 01:49:46,160 --> 01:49:52,960 Thank you for caring. Thank you for sharing. Your story and everything you shared will 929 01:49:52,960 --> 01:50:02,960 spring the traps of an exponential number of women who have felt trapped, they feel trapped 930 01:50:02,960 --> 01:50:07,760 waiting for god to fix someone who doesn't even want to be fixed. 931 01:50:09,440 --> 01:50:18,960 You give them hope. You are a light to a darkened path. You help them see they can trust god with 932 01:50:18,960 --> 01:50:25,760 everything they're going through. I even looked at god's faithfulness in your battle with cancer. 933 01:50:27,360 --> 01:50:35,680 You're still standing. You still got to have your beautiful children. They are yours. 934 01:50:35,680 --> 01:50:45,120 You are an amazing young lady. You are beautiful and set apart for an amazing ground-breaking ministry. 935 01:50:46,560 --> 01:50:54,320 I believe and I agree with you and your vision to be a mother to mothers . 936 01:50:55,440 --> 01:51:02,800 Finally I want to apologize to you for every wrong you were subjected to 937 01:51:03,840 --> 01:51:11,840 and had to bear and go through. I love you. Thank you for all you do. [crying] 938 01:51:18,640 --> 01:51:25,680 --To my sister Angel, the door has opened. The place of defeat 939 01:51:26,720 --> 01:51:30,160 and the you don't matters in life have been pushed to the side. 940 01:51:31,680 --> 01:51:38,800 This significant weekend has been just what you needed to move forward forward in so many areas. 941 01:51:40,320 --> 01:51:47,680 Yesterday's breakthrough was phenomenal for you. As I watched you share with us I literally could 942 01:51:47,680 --> 01:51:55,920 see the shackles being unlocked and falling off of you. I believe it shifted your essence. 943 01:51:57,040 --> 01:52:05,120 Congratulations on the start of your next chapter. I speak strength to you. I speak 944 01:52:05,120 --> 01:52:15,920 life over you and all god has for you. I speak to the little girl who missed out on mommy. 945 01:52:15,920 --> 01:52:22,000 I can relate to these feelings because my mommy was there but she also was not always present. 946 01:52:23,840 --> 01:52:31,680 Emotionally I missed her. As a woman and mother yourself, those moments you did not receive growing 947 01:52:31,680 --> 01:52:40,320 up deeply affected you though you might not have recognized or realized it. As you signed in my book 948 01:52:41,040 --> 01:52:49,360 women are amazing and resilient. How true that is. You are living proof of those very words. 949 01:52:50,400 --> 01:52:57,360 As mothers we both can lean on each other not just for accountability but laughter 950 01:52:57,360 --> 01:53:11,840 and emotional support. Congratulations on the next leg of your journey with fearless love and faith, Chelsia. 951 01:53:14,000 --> 01:53:19,876 [crying] 952 01:53:36,960 --> 01:53:39,840 --Mama Chris. 953 01:53:40,480 --> 01:53:53,840 -- [laughing] oh oh. 954 01:53:56,800 --> 01:53:57,760 --I'm coming to you... 955 01:54:01,200 --> 01:54:02,320 as a grandmother. 956 01:54:04,480 --> 01:54:11,600 I'm so sorry I didn't show your mom love and I didn't show you love. 957 01:54:18,080 --> 01:54:29,680 I give you everything, every part of me I give to you. I love you so much. I did wrong by your mom. 958 01:54:32,080 --> 01:54:42,560 I wasn't fair to her. But she didn't know my story, and you didn't get my whole story. 959 01:54:46,800 --> 01:54:49,840 When I found out I was able to speak to you about this, 960 01:54:51,280 --> 01:54:53,600 I asked the lord i'm like lord what should I do? 961 01:55:02,880 --> 01:55:04,720 Now I see you wear bold jewelry. [laughing] 962 01:55:13,360 --> 01:55:21,440 But this comes from a heart of love, my heart to your heart. You place it somewhere 963 01:55:21,440 --> 01:55:27,280 where you can see it every day and you remember, grandma loves me. You remember Chris loves you. 964 01:55:30,240 --> 01:55:34,320 I can't wait for your grand-baby to experience that same love. 965 01:55:35,280 --> 01:55:42,720 That love is so deep that you have. You have the gift of love and people need it. 966 01:55:43,440 --> 01:55:50,320 People need it. I hope you receive my love. I hope you really receive it that you 967 01:55:50,320 --> 01:56:06,209 understand it's from heaven, it's a godly thing. I love you mommy, you know it's sweetie. 968 01:56:06,209 --> 01:56:08,209 --Oh, oh [laughing] 969 01:56:19,920 --> 01:56:20,560 --Hi daughter. 970 01:56:25,360 --> 01:56:27,840 As your mother, 971 01:56:30,160 --> 01:56:31,840 i'm asking that you forgive me. 972 01:56:34,080 --> 01:56:36,640 Forgive me. You see I, 973 01:56:38,720 --> 01:56:43,280 I know that I was too busy and I know I put a lot of things 974 01:56:45,360 --> 01:56:47,760 seemed like in front of my children. 975 01:56:50,160 --> 01:56:55,840 In my mind I was just trying to make it. I was trying to survive. 976 01:56:59,200 --> 01:57:06,400 And the truth be told I think I was burying my own self from my own past as well. 977 01:57:07,760 --> 01:57:15,120 So I want you to forgive me that I didn't show you the love that you so desperately needed 978 01:57:17,040 --> 01:57:20,560 and not only just the love that you so desperately needed, the genuine, 979 01:57:21,360 --> 01:57:27,360 the genuineness of a mother that was always there for her daughter no matter what. 980 01:57:29,600 --> 01:57:35,760 And i'm so sorry and ask you to forgive me that I did not receive you for who you were. 981 01:57:37,360 --> 01:57:44,320 To who god created you to be, realizing that you were different than all my children, 982 01:57:45,280 --> 01:57:51,840 and that you was a true gift and also that you were so much like me. 983 01:57:54,480 --> 01:57:58,320 So I ask you to forgive me. I ask for you to give me another chance. 984 01:57:59,840 --> 01:58:06,480 I know I may not have arrived in so many areas but I want you to pray for me. I didn't know what 985 01:58:06,480 --> 01:58:13,360 love really was so by me not knowing, i didn't know how to give it, for real, for real I didn't know. 986 01:58:16,240 --> 01:58:23,920 So I need you maybe to show me through your children and through your grand-baby. 987 01:58:26,240 --> 01:58:30,880 Because I believe and I know that you love them and I don't want you to be like me. 988 01:58:33,200 --> 01:58:36,880 I don't want you to be like me daughter, I don't! Because you didn't deserve it! 989 01:58:39,120 --> 01:58:44,640 You didn't deserve it but I didn't know no better because I didn't know how. 990 01:58:47,360 --> 01:58:53,520 You understood, and I believe you held all that pain in for me and all the disappointments for 991 01:58:53,520 --> 01:59:01,840 me, but I don't want you to do that no longer. I want you to be free because you deserve to be free. 992 01:59:02,800 --> 01:59:04,960 So from this point on I want you to love your children. 993 01:59:06,560 --> 01:59:11,040 I want you to give them what I didn't give you. I want you to redeem the time 994 01:59:11,040 --> 01:59:16,480 allow the lord to redeem the time for you as I pray one day that you redeemed the time for me. 995 01:59:18,400 --> 01:59:25,840 I need that. I need you to be in my corner, because truth be told I feel like I have nobody in my corner. 996 01:59:28,320 --> 01:59:35,040 Nobody really understands me either . Because I do love you. I do love you. 997 01:59:37,440 --> 01:59:57,840 And I believe that yet you are my strongest child. I believe that you were my chosen child. Please forgive me. [crying] 998 02:00:01,360 --> 02:00:06,000 Wow. Dear Nikiya. Where do I begin? 999 02:00:08,400 --> 02:00:11,840 Let me start by saying wow again. 1000 02:00:14,480 --> 02:00:22,640 You exude strength power and determination. As I reflect on your story 1001 02:00:23,520 --> 02:00:28,800 I see someone who simply wanted to be loved. 1002 02:00:31,520 --> 02:00:32,080 That was me. 1003 02:00:34,800 --> 02:00:39,840 Believe in all the lies you were told just so we could be. 1004 02:00:42,880 --> 02:00:45,360 Denying the truth just to be with him. 1005 02:00:47,840 --> 02:00:50,640 Hanging up your self-esteem, your self-worth, 1006 02:00:51,680 --> 02:00:58,720 your self-love just to be past Nikiya. The care assuming the role of the five-minute wife believing 1007 02:00:59,360 --> 02:01:07,840 it was all in fun. Losing sight of you in order not to fail. The devastation of losing your child 1008 02:01:09,600 --> 02:01:17,920 while he was ignoring your calls and spending time sleeping with and impregnating other women. 1009 02:01:20,560 --> 02:01:26,720 Being in so much pain and turmoil that you intended to end your life. 1010 02:01:29,760 --> 02:01:36,480 Sister i'm so glad that you survived. I'm glad you regained the strength to love you again 1011 02:01:37,280 --> 02:01:43,440 and move away from things which didn't make you feel good and that weren't good for you 1012 02:01:45,200 --> 02:01:47,920 For every heartache you endured, i'm sorry. 1013 02:01:49,760 --> 02:01:58,160 I'm sorry that your father set you up to seek after men who were just like him. You deserve 1014 02:01:58,160 --> 02:02:08,320 to be loved valued and cared for by him. I'm sorry that you're that you ignored you for him. 1015 02:02:10,160 --> 02:02:17,840 I'm sorry that shame guilt and embarrassment pushed you to the edge. 1016 02:02:19,200 --> 02:02:23,200 When I first read your story I saw a pattern of me. 1017 02:02:25,600 --> 02:02:34,320 I can relate so much to your story all the way down to being married to an abusive pastor. 1018 02:02:36,320 --> 02:02:37,680 So with that I felt your pain. 1019 02:02:40,480 --> 02:02:52,640 After meeting you I saw a strong determined woman to get her soul back. I'm so proud of 1020 02:02:52,640 --> 02:03:01,760 you in this whole circle of wanting to be free from heartache deception and just wanting closure. 1021 02:03:05,520 --> 02:03:13,840 I believe you were set free, healed and delivered, from all the demons 1022 02:03:14,480 --> 02:03:24,240 that has haunted you from your past. Break. Broken. Brokenness. Wow, what a moment. 1023 02:03:25,840 --> 02:03:30,480 I would never forget your transparency in that moment where you were allowing 1024 02:03:30,480 --> 02:03:41,840 yourself to be broken. It was your time. It was your time. It was your time, to be set free. 1025 02:03:44,240 --> 02:03:48,560 You are bold enough to go against the grain 1026 02:03:51,680 --> 02:03:55,840 of what the world would have said that you would be damned to hell for. 1027 02:03:57,360 --> 02:04:06,080 But you did it anyway. So you set the motion for others to speak 1028 02:04:08,560 --> 02:04:11,440 against that which keeps them bound. 1029 02:04:14,640 --> 02:04:24,080 You are a phenomenal woman, full of love, that you have not totally released yet. 1030 02:04:27,360 --> 02:04:31,600 Yes I know laughing out loud we bumped heads a little bit. 1031 02:04:34,320 --> 02:04:39,200 But you are my sister that I never had. I love it. 1032 02:04:42,560 --> 02:04:59,825 I also love you for who you are. Love your fearless storytelling sister, Jennie. I love you 1033 02:05:08,240 --> 02:05:11,796 --Thank you so much. [crying] 1034 02:05:13,214 --> 02:05:18,803 --[Jennie] Thank you for the release lord, thank you Jesus. [coughing] 1035 02:05:19,186 --> 02:05:26,477 --[Tamara] Yes God! Yes! [ladies chanting] [chair crashing] 1036 02:05:33,981 --> 02:05:35,981 [ladies chanting] [speaking in tongues] 1037 02:05:48,793 --> 02:05:50,793 [ladies screaming] 1038 02:05:53,003 --> 02:05:56,006 [chair crashing] [ladies yelling] 1039 02:06:02,708 --> 02:06:16,050 [ladies yelling] --[Nikiya] Thank you! Thank you God! 1040 02:06:18,400 --> 02:06:22,480 --We have a tagline where we say take care of your soul and I always tell people when you're 1041 02:06:22,480 --> 02:06:27,600 talking about the soul it's the five areas of the soul: the mind, the will, the imagination, 1042 02:06:27,600 --> 02:06:32,880 the emotion and the intellect. Sometimes we we take care of the feeling of what happened to us 1043 02:06:32,880 --> 02:06:34,720 we don't actually care for the soul. 1044 02:06:34,720 --> 02:06:36,720 [music playing] 1045 02:06:39,280 --> 02:06:45,360 -[Tamara] Ladies we have come to our final exercise. You're going to take the words that were selected 1046 02:06:46,080 --> 02:06:51,040 and all of the events the traumas the tears that were attached to those words 1047 02:06:51,040 --> 02:06:53,440 you will now burn those in the flames. 1048 02:06:56,880 --> 02:07:04,960 --I will not be controlled. --I will no longer reject any emotions. --I will no longer be used by 1049 02:07:04,960 --> 02:07:11,840 anyone. No one will put me to shame. My new affirmation is freedom. --The shame is gone. 1050 02:07:12,720 --> 02:07:20,640 I can hold my head up high. I am no longer invalidated. I do matter. --I will no longer allow 1051 02:07:21,520 --> 02:07:28,800 the disrespect that i've experienced on many levels to make me lose respect for myself. 1052 02:07:29,600 --> 02:07:32,240 --I will no longer allow myself to be attacked 1053 02:07:33,200 --> 02:07:44,960 physically nor emotionally and I believe that the lord is my avenger. -- I am not rejected. I am loved. 1054 02:07:47,920 --> 02:07:54,240 I will not live by the opinions of others and allow their judgment to dictate the decisions 1055 02:07:54,240 --> 02:08:03,200 of my own destiny. --The only one that will be able to use me is god and no one shall ever be able to 1056 02:08:03,920 --> 02:08:10,400 cause me to be heartbroken, with this word that I have hidden in my heart, therefore that means 1057 02:08:10,400 --> 02:08:17,600 god is within me. -- Most importantly controlled by what others think about me when at the end of 1058 02:08:17,600 --> 02:08:24,480 the day it doesn't matter, it's what god says, I have been forgiven redeemed and restored. 1059 02:08:27,040 --> 02:08:32,640 --I come out of agreement with being judged. For being different. For being smart. 1060 02:08:33,520 --> 02:08:37,835 For I affirm I am uniquely and wonderfully made. 1061 02:08:42,339 --> 02:08:45,801 [ladies cheering] 1062 02:09:10,409 --> 02:09:15,414 [music playing] 1063 02:09:40,160 --> 02:09:45,223 --Hey y'all so we are back, hi! Hello everyone! Fearless Storyteller Movement. 1064 02:09:46,195 --> 02:09:55,280 Yes! Boom! Read it! Read it! --I don't know if you guys will ever understand 1065 02:09:57,440 --> 02:10:05,040 what life-changing experience this has been. --So after lumping rejected, judged, 1066 02:10:05,040 --> 02:10:13,840 invalidated, controlled, manipulated, disrespected, heartbroken, used, addicted, attacked, shame, it's a fear. 1067 02:10:14,880 --> 02:10:27,120 I took the big black rock and I tossed it as hard and as fast as I could. So i'm committed to 1068 02:10:27,120 --> 02:10:36,480 winning at all of my relationships the right way. I am a fearless storyteller. I love me. 1069 02:10:37,600 --> 02:10:46,720 The muzzle has been removed . --Okay hey guys it's Mel and yes I do have my popcorn because 1070 02:10:47,680 --> 02:10:53,920 i'm hungry and I don't like to confess things without a little snack so. 1071 02:10:55,280 --> 02:11:03,280 First confession is apparently I cannot make microwave popcorn because this is the second bag 1072 02:11:03,280 --> 02:11:10,000 that I burned hitting the popcorn button on the microwave and I just don't know 1073 02:11:10,000 --> 02:11:15,920 where I go wrong um but i'm gonna eat it anyway. I have no words of how god can take 1074 02:11:17,520 --> 02:11:27,120 a nobody and turn them into a somebody without consulting anybody and I believe that's what he's 1075 02:11:27,120 --> 02:11:38,560 done with all of us. That he put us together and he bonded us and we are sealed forever 1076 02:11:40,800 --> 02:11:47,520 and together we can make an amazing impact in this world and we are 1077 02:11:47,520 --> 02:11:50,569 all dedicated and committed to doing that. So yeah just excited. 1078 02:11:52,571 --> 02:12:05,600 🎵 keep believing, dont stop keep achieving. Walk inside your strength.🎵