WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11.010 --> 00:00:13.650 [music playing] 4 00:00:26.880 --> 00:00:36.631 🎵you may not feel like your pretty enough to survive in this cold cold world🎵 5 00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:46.720 [Adrienne] One of the things that i've learned on this journey as a woman as a wife as a 6 00:00:46.720 --> 00:00:52.800 mother as a fearless leader of women, I've learned that there's so many women with 7 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:58.560 have a muzzle on their mouth when it comes to their stories and in our book, When The Soul 8 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:04.720 Cries: Trauma Tears and Triumph the ladies are sharing their stories of how they moved from 9 00:01:04.720 --> 00:01:12.080 traumatic experiences. Ten of the women have come together to talk about the triumph but also 10 00:01:12.080 --> 00:01:19.031 the tears. How did we get to the trauma? What is trauma? Do we understand how to really heal? 11 00:01:19.031 --> 00:01:25.100 🎵 don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving.🎵 12 00:01:25.100 --> 00:01:37.584 🎵You're not just another woman. Don't ever stop, stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving🎵 13 00:01:37.584 --> 00:01:38.879 [ladies screaming] 14 00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:40.515 [Adrienne] I thought you were in the house! 15 00:01:40.515 --> 00:01:41.015 [excited screaming] 16 00:01:42.502 --> 00:01:48.650 🎵You are the prize so let them strive to win you, yeah.🎵 17 00:01:48.650 --> 00:02:00.434 🎵 So if you ever start to doubt yourself, just remember you're not just a woman, yeah🎵 18 00:02:00.434 --> 00:02:02.434 Hello! Hi! 19 00:02:02.434 --> 00:02:09.600 All my little make up gone, Shay! I need you sugar! I'm looking a whole mess! 20 00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:11.725 How are you? [Mel] Good how are you? 21 00:02:11.725 --> 00:02:14.543 Fresh to death get it lady! 22 00:02:15.392 --> 00:02:16.084 Hey girl. 23 00:02:16.084 --> 00:02:18.084 [laughing] 24 00:02:20.084 --> 00:02:22.084 [screaming] 25 00:02:26.320 --> 00:02:34.800 [Adrienne] We're here in beautiful Cape Cod. I brought in a therapist that has helped me in my own personal journey. 26 00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:42.240 So I think initially when Adrienne and I met and when we started talking about things um 27 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:50.320 I was observing her from a distance observing what was happening in a group that she facilitated 28 00:02:50.320 --> 00:02:57.440 and i'm looking at the post i'm looking at all the tools that she was giving and I was just thinking 29 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:04.160 she is completely wasting her time because what she was providing some of the women did 30 00:03:04.160 --> 00:03:09.760 not have the capacity to use those skills, they needed something that was higher level 31 00:03:09.760 --> 00:03:15.120 meaning therapeutic interventions and so I reached out to her and I said I don't mean 32 00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:20.480 to get in your business however I need to let you know that what you're giving them 33 00:03:21.920 --> 00:03:26.880 nuh-uh not working they need therapy okay it's cool to talk to your girlfriends 34 00:03:26.880 --> 00:03:32.080 it's cool to talk to your friends but some things require professional intervention right because 35 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:37.600 we've been trained to give you tools we've been trained to help you process information 36 00:03:37.600 --> 00:03:43.360 your friends your family will sometimes they're on your team and so sometimes they will not be 37 00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:50.960 objective in helping you to see the other side and so the role of a therapist is to help you process 38 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:58.000 the information and learn a better way to deal. --What I love about our journey is over the years 39 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:04.880 we've been had the opportunity and the honor to help so many other women um just understand 40 00:04:04.880 --> 00:04:11.280 not only their trauma but how do they get there? What circumstances got us to this place? One of 41 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:17.600 the things I always talk about is accountability through sisterhood and not just but me respecting 42 00:04:17.600 --> 00:04:24.400 your role as a therapist I always call therapist scientist because you had to study the brain 43 00:04:24.400 --> 00:04:29.760 study how trauma impacts the brain and I always tell people that you're my trauma specialist 44 00:04:29.760 --> 00:04:35.600 right and then when people see me they know you're not far behind because the way we complement each 45 00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:42.560 other I think people can say there's a balance there right and I never want to be a leader where 46 00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:48.800 I'm the smartest person in the room I want someone to say no that's really nice 47 00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:54.080 but let's take it up a notch and that's what you do for the fearless storytellers so I'm so 48 00:04:54.080 --> 00:04:59.920 excited that you're here this weekend. So can you define trauma in its simplest form? 49 00:05:00.960 --> 00:05:09.680 --Trauma in its simplest form is the inability of an individual to use coping skills to manage the 50 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:15.920 significant level of stress that the particular event has caused. --Okay. --That's in its rarest form 51 00:05:15.920 --> 00:05:19.600 right and so sometimes when we think about trauma people think about 52 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:26.560 individuals who have gone to war right those are traumatic situations yes those are but 53 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:31.440 someone going through a divorce with their parents that can be a traumatic situation if they have an 54 00:05:31.440 --> 00:05:37.440 inability to cope with it so we have to look at trauma in its simplest form because it's really 55 00:05:37.440 --> 00:05:43.680 based on an individual's experience. --Yeah. --Right something that affects you may not affect me and 56 00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:48.240 vice versa so when we look at trauma it's just important for us to understand that 57 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:55.200 we don't want to shoo shoo anybody's experience and we want to say you know that was a traumatic 58 00:05:55.200 --> 00:05:59.920 experience and sometimes I even have to help my clients to identify the trauma remember 59 00:05:59.920 --> 00:06:05.040 your inability to adjust when your parents got a divorce? Do you remember how difficult it was for 60 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:09.920 you to get up in the morning? How difficult it was for you to keep living between your mom and your 61 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:14.720 dad's house and the stress that you experience right sometimes there's self-harming behaviors 62 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:19.520 that may come with it right that lets us know that there's an inability to cope because now we have 63 00:06:19.520 --> 00:06:25.440 to find other things that allow us to feel like the pain goes away. --So we're here in beautiful cape 64 00:06:25.440 --> 00:06:32.160 cod in this beautiful on this beautiful setting and even though this is a wonderful retreat we're 65 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:39.280 not here to play around this is not a girl's trip this is about people including me healing 66 00:06:39.280 --> 00:06:44.480 and going to the next level in our lives so what are some of the exercises that you'll be taking 67 00:06:44.480 --> 00:06:50.960 the women through as a licensed social worker clinical therapist you know trauma when you see it 68 00:06:50.960 --> 00:06:57.120 so what things are you going to do to help them go to the next level? --So one of the exercises is going 69 00:06:57.120 --> 00:07:03.760 to be cards on the table and having the women to identify the different traumas and figure out what 70 00:07:03.760 --> 00:07:08.480 to do next with the cards on the table we're going to just put everything out there and let them work 71 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:14.480 from there. The second exercise is going to be on a letter to my sister where we acknowledge our 72 00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:20.320 sister's pain from a different standpoint other than what they believe the experience has been 73 00:07:20.880 --> 00:07:27.360 and the last one is going to be burn it up because what we want them to do is leave the things on the 74 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:31.440 table right leave their trauma leave the pain behind don't take it with them so we're going 75 00:07:31.440 --> 00:07:36.874 to burn it up at the end because that means if it's burned up they don't take it with them. 76 00:07:37.875 --> 00:07:40.794 [music playing] 77 00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:53.280 [Sound] -- So it's so great to meet you all in person finally. It's been a long journey. [Chelsia] -- Yes it has. 78 00:07:54.010 --> 00:07:56.407 [Candice] It's been a year a year. [ladies agreeing] 79 00:07:56.877 --> 00:07:59.255 --[Jondahlyn] It has been a year. --[Chelsia] -- I know. 80 00:07:59.255 --> 00:08:01.255 --It's our anniversary! [ladies laughing] 81 00:08:01.255 --> 00:08:03.255 --[Mel] It is! 82 00:08:03.440 --> 00:08:07.381 [Sound] So how did you all find out about the projects initially? [Mel] A.B. [Chelsia] A.B. 83 00:08:07.381 --> 00:08:13.464 She what messaged me and then we had the first call, yep. 84 00:08:16.986 --> 00:08:18.800 [Mel] I know when A.B. calls me something's going on. [ladies laughing] 85 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:25.840 I never hear from her unless some she's got something cooking up her sleeve [laughing]. 86 00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:31.200 [Sound] I met A.B. virtually through the volunteer coordinator for the kids ministry at my 87 00:08:31.200 --> 00:08:35.033 church. [Chelsia] Oh wow. [Sound] And so um yeah i'm just going through facebook seeing what we might have in common 88 00:08:35.033 --> 00:08:40.880 and I saw the post and then I reached out and she was like er ma'am you don't know me [laughing] 89 00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:49.760 To me it was um I put a post on facebook and she contacted me do you want to write your story [laughing] 90 00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:57.920 and then she said you're going to be the last one of 18 writers at that point was 18. 91 00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:07.484 and and I was like yes I need to do this. --Who knew that it would bring us to such a place as this a time as this? 92 00:09:08.292 --> 00:09:13.528 --Changing the world one life at a time and it's worth it [ladies agreeing] 93 00:09:15.120 --> 00:09:20.720 --Yeah and what I love about it is that when the book first came out and I didn't think it would 94 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:27.920 happen but you know each story is different but we have so many similarities and I was just like 95 00:09:28.800 --> 00:09:35.600 I kind of relaxed in it because it I just didn't feel like okay you don't have to feel apprehensive 96 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:40.720 of what people are going to think it's like everything just intertwined together right 97 00:09:41.520 --> 00:09:51.600 right and just personally I have a heart for women just to see them healed because I mean you know 98 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:56.640 where i'm from I have you know family members I have you know girlfriends or I guess I should 99 00:09:56.640 --> 00:10:03.360 say some associates i'm not going to figure it out everybody's not your friend but um it's just the 100 00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:10.640 stigma of like negativity or a bad mindset because you don't know who you are and so I just have a 101 00:10:10.640 --> 00:10:16.320 passion just to see women whole so that's why I wanted to write my story. [Mel] That's awesome. 102 00:10:17.040 --> 00:10:23.440 --Really initially it was reading them to find out to make sure I wasn't alone and I you know like 103 00:10:23.440 --> 00:10:31.120 today even like breathing I have not been breathing I've been holding my breath and you know 104 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:34.513 every time I go and get a massage and like --[Nikiya] Girl I thought that's because you had your girdle on 105 00:10:34.513 --> 00:10:36.891 you can't be breathing? [laughing] 106 00:10:36.891 --> 00:10:38.891 [Mel] Somebody laced it too tight in the back! [laughing] 107 00:10:41.317 --> 00:10:44.880 --So I think that we all can serve as 108 00:10:44.880 --> 00:10:50.560 as um I would call them midwives too many you know to help people birth what's on the inside of them 109 00:10:50.560 --> 00:10:57.360 as well you know and I think that's um this is new to me um although it's sort of like contradicting 110 00:10:57.360 --> 00:11:02.240 a little bit but um because you know been in ministry been able to administer two people 111 00:11:03.040 --> 00:11:09.600 you know um I had a problem you know um trusting women because I have been hurt by so many 112 00:11:10.160 --> 00:11:14.560 you know so to be in a circle like this i'm sorry like letting my guards down so when I 113 00:11:14.560 --> 00:11:20.800 first met Adrienne uh it was through um someone I knew that was actually working her at the time 114 00:11:20.800 --> 00:11:26.320 you know and um and I feel like she was our divine connection because she's no longer working with 115 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:31.760 her anymore you know and it was like wow you know so and that my intention was not to write the book 116 00:11:31.760 --> 00:11:37.101 my intention was for somebody to hear me for the first time. 117 00:11:37.101 --> 00:11:39.760 --The woman with the five husbands. [laughing] 118 00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:50.160 Jennie Womack everybody. [laughing] I am so happy that you're here with me and we've had uh an amazing time 119 00:11:50.160 --> 00:11:57.120 journey together ironically how we met and just so many things that we've been through we had a good 120 00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:00.560 in a good way we had you know people say been through and you'd be like what would y'all have 121 00:12:00.560 --> 00:12:06.160 been through but we've gone through some really fun things some new innovative innovative things 122 00:12:06.160 --> 00:12:12.080 um this time that we've known each other so but I want to talk a little bit about your story um 123 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:17.600 which is entitled the woman with the five husbands and I remember when we were talking 124 00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:25.840 about naming your story you were kind of like okay that works um so talk to us a little bit 125 00:12:25.840 --> 00:12:30.960 about first of all why you chose to become a fearless storyteller let's start there. 126 00:12:31.920 --> 00:12:38.080 --Um mainly because you know once I talk with you and we just started because first year 127 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:45.440 you started out as as my mentor basically and as I began to you know to talk to you more and more 128 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:53.440 um I just said you know some somebody else could hear and be healed you know from from my story 129 00:12:53.440 --> 00:12:57.520 yeah um although it was labeled you know the woman with the five husband who does that right 130 00:12:58.160 --> 00:13:07.280 um but it's still they may not have been married but they might have they may have been had more 131 00:13:07.280 --> 00:13:12.160 than one --[Adrienne] Yes! --Relationship ten relationship whatever the case may be um and they're stuck 132 00:13:12.880 --> 00:13:20.320 in a situation you know feeling like they um they're not worth anything um or being judged or 133 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:23.920 um just hard on themselves because they allow themselves to go through that 134 00:13:23.920 --> 00:13:29.200 right um but I could speak from um not from innocence but from experience 135 00:13:29.920 --> 00:13:34.640 to say that you know what you know god you brought me through that mm-hmm you know and sometimes my 136 00:13:34.640 --> 00:13:40.080 life did feel dim you know it did feel like I wasn't going to make it and I was drowning 137 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:47.040 but as I look back on it he had a hand on me as well you know so it's just saying that you 138 00:13:47.040 --> 00:13:51.280 know giving it out there and putting it out there and somebody's seeing it 139 00:13:52.800 --> 00:13:58.560 and they can go wow five husbands and I'm wrestling over the one I had [laughing] 140 00:13:59.760 --> 00:14:05.280 you know i'm letting the one I had you know make me go through. --[Adrienne]Sure! --And she was at five? --[Adrienne] Right. 141 00:14:05.280 --> 00:14:12.000 --So I think it was more of a of a ministering tool for women. -[Adrienne] Absolutely. --Um to see that they 142 00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:18.240 don't have to you know be in a place all their lives. [Adrienne] Yeah that's good and I appreciate the 143 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:24.720 the honesty and the accountability that you take and you've always from day one even from 144 00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:31.840 of us meeting even if you didn't know why you did something you always were self-reflective 145 00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:39.120 and accountable and just wanting to be better so as a leader of women a fearless leader of women 146 00:14:39.120 --> 00:14:43.440 and they love you and they look up to you we've had time to spend I've had an opportunity to 147 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:50.080 spend time in your element among the women that you serve so how do you make them comfortable 148 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:54.400 because sometimes women can be very judgmental and say well she can't tell me 149 00:14:54.400 --> 00:14:59.520 anything about my relationship because I mean she can't even keep a man like that's just how we are 150 00:14:59.520 --> 00:15:06.320 right so how do you have it where how do you create the environment where they can feel safe? 151 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:14.320 --Number one being transparent um about the things I've been through I don't put on airs I don't 152 00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:18.400 act like I'm all that in the back of chips never did nothing and all of that you know 153 00:15:18.400 --> 00:15:24.960 um but i'm just very transparent what I'm talking and um to the to two women and I 154 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:30.080 try to meet them right where they are right you know in the situation and again and not 155 00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:37.280 judge them about um whatever because although my situation may be that I married five 156 00:15:37.280 --> 00:15:43.040 you know I had five husbands your situation may be totally different but you still need deliverance 157 00:15:44.560 --> 00:15:50.480 You still need healing yeah so to get women to understand you know that don't don't compare 158 00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:55.280 your situation with anyone else right right because it may not be the same 159 00:15:55.280 --> 00:16:00.080 but the result should still be the same absolutely that you know I want total healing I want total 160 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:05.200 deliverance from whatever i went through I need that you know. --[Tamara] What we want to do with 161 00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:11.120 these women is say yes so now you've shared your story let's talk about the things in your story 162 00:16:11.120 --> 00:16:17.040 that you haven't shared yet. All right ladies so we are going to do our first exercise which is called 163 00:16:17.040 --> 00:16:24.960 cards on the table and the instructions are that each individual one at a time will pick up a card 164 00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:31.280 and you will return to your seat and you will talk about the card that you picked as it relates 165 00:16:31.280 --> 00:16:39.840 to the word that's on the card so whoever would like to go first can start you're going to get 166 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:44.880 your card no one else is going to come up behind you and pick up a card that is your time to shine 167 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:52.080 We clear? [ladies agreeing] So whoever would like to go to the table any card you like. 168 00:16:55.360 --> 00:17:03.840 -[Mama Chris] Why not! -[Mel] All right! 169 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:05.840 Wow! 170 00:17:08.560 --> 00:17:10.960 Okay so i got the word say the word --[Tamara] Say the word. 171 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:17.840 --Disrespected. Wow... 172 00:17:24.320 --> 00:17:31.840 I guess when I was violated. 173 00:17:31.840 --> 00:17:35.805 When I wasn't covered. 174 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:45.840 When somebody should have known better and they choose chose to disrespect me. 175 00:17:46.800 --> 00:17:48.080 They took my innocence. 176 00:17:53.120 --> 00:17:54.400 I never had a chance 177 00:17:57.120 --> 00:18:02.080 but i'm still standing because although they disrespected me 178 00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:08.160 eventually I came to a point where no matter what 179 00:18:08.800 --> 00:18:13.840 I'm not gonna take their disrespect. I sever that cord. 180 00:18:15.360 --> 00:18:24.335 If I need to be respected I respect myself so I'm not gonna be in the gutter doing gutter stuff. 181 00:18:24.335 --> 00:18:35.823 [ladies agreeing] [--Mel] Thats it! --Because I'm valuable. I'm a masterpiece. I'm unique. 182 00:18:38.249 --> 00:18:40.249 Disrespected. 183 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:43.920 --[Tamara] So when you picked up that card Miss Chris, 184 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:49.440 you said wow. What did it feel like to turn that card over? 185 00:18:53.680 --> 00:19:01.360 --Because I felt it. I felt it. I remember feeling it. I remember there being a time when 186 00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:10.880 I saw no value in myself no no self-worth you know when my husband proposed to me 187 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:18.640 I'm like wow all this time you know I was just um 188 00:19:20.800 --> 00:19:26.400 going through adolescence childhood young adulthood 189 00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:29.680 but he chose me [laughing] 190 00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:38.800 He loved me, He loved me and so when I felt... 191 00:19:40.560 --> 00:19:48.240 You know it didn't start out that way you know you know you [laughing] know yeah i'm gonna be honest you know 192 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:52.035 he riding his game you know [laughing] I feel for it. [laughing] 193 00:19:53.600 --> 00:20:04.640 But in the end you know he he went home to be with the lord we were together for we dated 194 00:20:04.640 --> 00:20:13.600 in high school and we were married 29 and a half years you know to be able to be there with him he 195 00:20:13.600 --> 00:20:25.440 knew my deepest darkest secrets he knew every detail about me and um he loved me regardless 196 00:20:27.520 --> 00:20:35.680 regardless I told him everything and he still loved me? [laughing] Oh wow yeah um 197 00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:47.840 to have felt love and in spite of disrespect you know and I think that makes me more aware 198 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:54.320 so that I am respectful to people you know they can cross the line but I don't have 199 00:20:54.320 --> 00:20:59.120 to sit there I don't have to sit there and subject myself I can excuse myself and go 200 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:08.560 you know it's their loss yeah but if they need me I'm there but I won't be disrespected 201 00:21:08.560 --> 00:21:12.560 I will not be disrespect that's a powerful word that's the powerful word . 202 00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:16.640 --[Tamara] So thank you for sharing Miss Chris. --Thank you. 203 00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:22.740 --[Tamara] Everybody take a deep breath [laughing] 204 00:21:28.080 --> 00:21:37.920 --[Sound] Shame. So I've experienced situations in my life where I was misunderstood I was put in 205 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:48.400 circumstances because of just bad choices because my parents were born in 1929 in 1939 206 00:21:49.120 --> 00:21:53.920 and not too much conversation went on in their household so they did the best that they could and 207 00:21:53.920 --> 00:21:58.320 they really didn't talk to me about things it was like don't bring no babies up in here 208 00:21:58.880 --> 00:22:04.240 don't do things that you're not supposed to do but there were really no intimate details that 209 00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:08.240 this is what you do when a boy approaches you this is what you do when you get into 210 00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:14.640 this situation and so a lot of people thought that I should have known better but I didn't 211 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:21.520 as long as i made straight a's went to church volunteered stayed active in my community 212 00:22:22.080 --> 00:22:29.360 I was smart enough to figure things out but that wasn't the case and so um I experienced a lot of 213 00:22:29.360 --> 00:22:37.200 shame because people felt that i'm too smart for that always you should have known better even 214 00:22:37.200 --> 00:22:45.680 trying to spend situations to say you know it was my fault so with shame came guilt, self-doubt 215 00:22:47.920 --> 00:22:55.200 and a lot of other things depression anxiety just a lot of different emotions connected to it 216 00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:03.760 so and going through the different relationships I could say that um being shameful 217 00:23:04.320 --> 00:23:11.840 of my choices would cause me to not say anything and to just exist and to 218 00:23:15.280 --> 00:23:22.160 just be and try to cover up situations as best as I could and really no one would know anything 219 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:27.600 until it was over with but most of the time people in my life were like well what happened 220 00:23:27.600 --> 00:23:32.640 to so-and-so he was so nice but you didn't know the other side oh well y'all just look so happy 221 00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:39.440 well because I didn't want to be shamed by people I did a lot of cover-up 222 00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:44.320 I was great at covering up. I wore a mask. 223 00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:53.280 I did. And so part of my healing process has been coming out of agreement with it and reclaiming 224 00:23:54.160 --> 00:24:01.120 who I am as far as my identity and that I am not who I am because of what happened to me 225 00:24:02.080 --> 00:24:09.120 I am who I am through what has happened to be what I was born and designed to do on this Earth. 226 00:24:10.320 --> 00:24:16.000 --[Tamara] And where does shame exist in your World now? --Oh my goodness so 227 00:24:17.840 --> 00:24:23.440 because my husband is a church musician he's not at church with me and so I have the role of being 228 00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:31.840 a solo parent and all of my children are not necessarily on the spectrum but they have adhd 229 00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:38.880 attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, sensory processing disorder, a couple of the children have 230 00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:46.080 tourettes and so i'm serving and i'm parenting and i'm being an advocate for my children and so 231 00:24:46.720 --> 00:24:53.920 different people are saying oh they should know better they're just acting out they're doing 232 00:24:53.920 --> 00:25:01.280 it on purpose and so i'm expressing to them that there is something going on neurologically and i'm 233 00:25:01.280 --> 00:25:06.960 doing what i need to do in the physical and in the spiritual and I need y'all to show some compassion 234 00:25:07.760 --> 00:25:15.120 and it's like they're not hearing me and so it's like it's kind of they're not saying oh shame 235 00:25:15.120 --> 00:25:21.760 on you but I can tell from the looks and the comments and even the non-verbal communication 236 00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:29.760 that is a shameful situation but this has been like everywhere out in public at the grocery 237 00:25:29.760 --> 00:25:37.280 store it doesn't matter someone's having a sensory moment a meltdown and so i'm doing my best to read 238 00:25:37.280 --> 00:25:42.800 everything and to just be their advocate and to teach them to advocate for themselves and it's 239 00:25:42.800 --> 00:25:48.720 like unless the child has a profound disability they're not really acknowledged so it's like 240 00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:55.280 people with silent disabilities get overlooked um when I registered to to come here on the plane I 241 00:25:55.280 --> 00:25:59.600 was like well do you have any disabilities and i'm like yeah so mine is cognitive like my children as 242 00:25:59.600 --> 00:26:04.080 well and so when it was time to board they're like okay anybody with disabilities come on 243 00:26:04.080 --> 00:26:08.880 I was the only one and I don't know if people looking at me crazy or not but I know my bag and 244 00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:13.520 i'm not afraid so I walked on that empty plane got to my seat and sat down and I felt safe [ladies acknowledging] 245 00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:21.120 --[Tamara] Thank you for sharing that it's important to know that when we have these experiences right 246 00:26:21.120 --> 00:26:25.760 this is still present so this is not a past word this is a right now yeah right this is right 247 00:26:25.760 --> 00:26:30.480 now where you're struggling with it just being able to parent your children right people are 248 00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:35.680 putting identities on you identities on your kids and so it's important to know that shame 249 00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:41.680 can look so many different ways and what we have to be conscious about is just constantly exposing 250 00:26:41.680 --> 00:26:46.560 what you're doing now like you can look at my kids it doesn't matter I know what's going on 251 00:26:46.560 --> 00:26:50.800 I don't really owe you an explanation because the last time I checked I was the only person 252 00:26:50.800 --> 00:26:56.000 buying clothes right paying bills to take care of them but it's important to know what your own 253 00:26:56.000 --> 00:27:02.640 identity is so that when people try to give you an identity that you stay out of agreement with 254 00:27:02.640 --> 00:27:08.480 that right and so it's good that you know what it was like when you were in agreement with it yeah 255 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:14.240 in your younger life and now you're like no i'm not having it and i'm gonna do what I need to do 256 00:27:14.240 --> 00:27:19.520 and just because you don't see it right because you learn to cover up i'm still gonna do it and 257 00:27:19.520 --> 00:27:23.680 so that's important to know and so thank you for sharing and talking about the shame that you're 258 00:27:23.680 --> 00:27:29.440 having right now like it's happening right now and so it's important for you to keep advocating 259 00:27:29.440 --> 00:27:34.320 for your children advocating for yourself --[Sound] Yes! --And saying never again will I be under the rock 260 00:27:34.320 --> 00:27:41.080 of shame and i'm not taking that walk again right that walk is done. 261 00:27:50.044 --> 00:27:54.798 --[Jondahlyn] My word is invalidated. 262 00:28:01.840 --> 00:28:03.840 That's deep. [laughing] 263 00:28:10.320 --> 00:28:13.359 I'm sorry. --[Tamara] No don't be sorry it's okay. 264 00:28:17.363 --> 00:28:27.623 --So most of my life as a pk pastor's kid um for the first 18 years of my life as the only girl out of 265 00:28:28.040 --> 00:28:34.560 three boys um there was this expectation that you know I was a little mama 266 00:28:35.120 --> 00:28:40.480 I got straight a's in school my father taught me how to do this whole public speaking thing 267 00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:49.840 we were on radio and television from very early age like since we could really talk because my 268 00:28:49.840 --> 00:28:58.880 father was a public figure pastor so on, so forth. Um so there was always this expectation that 269 00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:07.040 in order to I guess have value you had to roar and you had to pour into others 270 00:29:07.760 --> 00:29:14.000 forget about self and just pour into everybody else and be this ultimate servant leader 271 00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:24.400 so you know that was my goal. In life I watched my parents you know serve and be and everything 272 00:29:24.400 --> 00:29:28.800 they touched seemed like it turned into gold and I was like okay that's the goal in life right 273 00:29:29.520 --> 00:29:37.200 so it all I think it almost became like that whole like um you learn how to be an actor or 274 00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:49.600 an actress right and you people value you based on kind of how well you win the oscar yeah and so 275 00:29:50.160 --> 00:30:04.160 um the invalidated part was the secret struggle it was the things that I cried about at night but I 276 00:30:04.160 --> 00:30:10.240 couldn't even tell like my parents or anybody because the expectation was you get out there 277 00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:17.120 you perform and you be and you do and everything has to be 100. but I struggled with this because 278 00:30:18.160 --> 00:30:26.080 um i've always had issues with like am I good enough so it's this rat race to be good enough 279 00:30:26.080 --> 00:30:29.680 and everything had to be perfect but I wasn't perfect and i'm not perfect 280 00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:36.800 and so um I think it created or developed some um insecurities um 281 00:30:37.840 --> 00:30:44.160 in my relationships I accepted the whole invalidation piece because 282 00:30:45.040 --> 00:30:52.160 um I think I don't know it was my alter ego or I don't know and i'm probably like all over the 283 00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:58.080 place normally i'm i think good at public speaking but when i have to go into these places like this 284 00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:09.680 it I kind of seem to jumble my words but um I struggle but I still struggle with this um because 285 00:31:10.800 --> 00:31:18.720 I think i'm naturally just kind of a performer you know? --[Tamara] So what would happen if you stopped performing? 286 00:31:21.520 --> 00:31:31.840 [laughing] --That's a very good question. So if I stop performing I think I can breathe better [laughing] um 287 00:31:35.920 --> 00:31:42.480 I think I can be the although I may look like i'm an extrovert i'm really kind of an introvert 288 00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:51.280 and I think I could spend the time that's needed to really get to know me and not who I won't 289 00:31:51.280 --> 00:31:54.960 even say what everybody expects me to because it might not be what everybody's expecting me it may 290 00:31:54.960 --> 00:32:02.080 be what I think that I have to be what everybody expects me to be so I think I really would discover me 291 00:32:03.840 --> 00:32:11.760 um and all of the layers underneath which I want to discover so um that's what I think will happen. 292 00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:16.400 --[Tamara] So I would like for you to write down the date in your journal that you're going to start 293 00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:17.600 --[Jondahlyn] Well apparently right now [laughing] 294 00:32:21.120 --> 00:32:28.739 because most of the time i'm leading so when i'm brought to a place of vulnerability such as this 295 00:32:29.040 --> 00:32:37.040 normally I will retreat very quickly and and if I feel like a tear or something coming 296 00:32:37.040 --> 00:32:40.880 I have to kind of go and fantasize and i'm doing something else but you know so that 297 00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:48.400 I can perform and continue to perform so my date is today um my date is today. 298 00:32:50.677 --> 00:32:55.840 --[Tamara] And I need you to write an affirmation with that, 'today I will choose to serve me first' 299 00:32:55.840 --> 00:32:59.645 Today I will choose to sever me first. 300 00:33:04.717 --> 00:33:06.763 Thank you. 301 00:33:07.361 --> 00:33:12.199 Now you understand the panic attacks that you have are related to this right what are you going to do 302 00:33:13.200 --> 00:33:18.720 next right we can get medication right that's to fix it however medication addresses the symptoms 303 00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:23.120 it does not deal with the root cause and so we've got to get to the root causes which 304 00:33:23.120 --> 00:33:27.920 is what i'm hoping we do this weekend is get to the root cause and once we get to the root cause 305 00:33:27.920 --> 00:33:32.800 then we can pluck up the tree instead of swinging from branch to branch to branch to branch when we 306 00:33:32.800 --> 00:33:38.240 pluck up the roots right then they can really get down to the depth of the healing process. 307 00:33:38.240 --> 00:33:49.820 It's thick in here y'all --[Angel] It is. --So this is the work right it's just cards on the table though [laughing] that's it 308 00:33:49.820 --> 00:33:52.839 Imma go! Imma go! 309 00:33:52.839 --> 00:33:54.839 I'm strategizing! [laughing] 310 00:33:54.839 --> 00:33:56.839 --[Adrienne] It doesn't work. 311 00:33:56.839 --> 00:33:58.839 --Don't go for the middle. 312 00:34:00.494 --> 00:34:04.745 Oh, Jesus! Woah! Child! Okay. 313 00:34:05.711 --> 00:34:07.963 Manipulated. [heavy sighing] 314 00:34:10.720 --> 00:34:22.720 Uh when I see this word um I think of being used um I think of um 315 00:34:22.720 --> 00:34:36.400 just, I resonated a lot with Johndahlyn's story about um having such low self-worth that you can't even 316 00:34:37.826 --> 00:34:46.720 feel comfortable if somebody were to praise you recognize you give you a compliment and 317 00:34:47.794 --> 00:34:49.838 genuinely mean that because you don't see that within yourself that you are 318 00:34:51.520 --> 00:35:01.040 so low in your worth that um that you can't you can't accept it as your truth you know 319 00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:08.080 and because of that it is so easy to be used and manipulated by people 320 00:35:09.520 --> 00:35:17.280 and I think this has actually been a theme since since I was a girl 321 00:35:27.120 --> 00:35:29.840 [crying] because I never was told or taught 322 00:35:32.560 --> 00:35:33.600 what I was really worth. 323 00:35:35.920 --> 00:35:37.680 And so I let people use me, 324 00:35:39.920 --> 00:35:41.040 for everything. [laughing] 325 00:35:43.040 --> 00:35:45.040 Everything. 326 00:35:46.560 --> 00:35:50.560 And it was a theme that started in my childhood 327 00:35:51.920 --> 00:35:58.960 and then I had like a eight year break when I lived in Kentucky and god really 328 00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:09.600 broke apart all of my infrastructure that I had growing up and he showed me who I was and who 329 00:36:09.600 --> 00:36:18.080 I really am and then I found myself married and feeling the same exact way that I was growing up 330 00:36:20.160 --> 00:36:29.360 and so it was almost like a test of what I learned about myself in in those eight years 331 00:36:30.880 --> 00:36:37.600 did I really believe it or not you know and if it was my truth would I continue to allow 332 00:36:37.600 --> 00:36:48.960 myself to be manipulated and used and not know my worth and not know what i'm actually able to do 333 00:36:50.800 --> 00:37:01.520 in this world and how I was created and why I was created so um this uh [laughing] 334 00:37:05.600 --> 00:37:12.640 this is a choice this is a choice and maybe what happens to you 335 00:37:13.200 --> 00:37:18.080 isn't a choice of yours it might have been a choice of someone else's 336 00:37:20.240 --> 00:37:25.280 but the continuation of this is your choice and um 337 00:37:28.320 --> 00:37:38.480 I got to a point to where I had to learn two words that i've never said before to anybody 338 00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:48.160 and that was I refuse i've never refused anybody I was raised not to refuse anybody I was raised 339 00:37:48.160 --> 00:37:58.880 not to refuse elders I was raised not to say no I was a groomed people-pleaser right and 340 00:38:02.480 --> 00:38:09.520 when you get that code embedded in you in your nature and your core um 341 00:38:11.120 --> 00:38:13.280 you don't put words together like I refuse 342 00:38:16.880 --> 00:38:23.920 and as a result things like this happen but when you find yourself out of that environment 343 00:38:24.960 --> 00:38:31.840 or having been exposed to something that tells you you can refuse 344 00:38:32.720 --> 00:38:35.760 and not only can you refuse you should refuse 345 00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:45.840 you start to believe you can yeah and then the choice is will you or will you not so 346 00:38:47.280 --> 00:38:50.480 yeah. --[Tamara] So how does it feel to now refuse? 347 00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:53.940 --Good! [laughing] 348 00:38:56.720 --> 00:39:07.280 Good um I am really bad I was really bad at setting boundaries um when you're a people 349 00:39:07.280 --> 00:39:13.840 pleaser you don't have boundaries right with people and manipulation and being used happens 350 00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:23.040 and it was very scary at first to begin setting boundaries with people in my life 351 00:39:23.040 --> 00:39:29.680 I felt that if I refused someone or said 352 00:39:29.680 --> 00:39:36.480 no or showed them the line that they could not cross with me that I was being too 353 00:39:39.600 --> 00:39:47.520 disrespectful to them and it's so funny how you're more concerned about disrespecting someone else 354 00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:59.840 than you are about being disrespected yourself you know and that's how low my self-worth was 355 00:40:00.640 --> 00:40:08.240 I never considered myself. When I write my to-do list self-care is like number 82 on the list right 356 00:40:08.240 --> 00:40:14.240 you don't get 81 things done in a day you know so you you just you just get in that 357 00:40:14.240 --> 00:40:22.320 mindset in that mind frame um but you know i've begun the practice of setting boundaries 358 00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:30.960 it's still a work in progress to be honest but there are some particular people in my life that 359 00:40:30.960 --> 00:40:43.680 I really had to use as a practice ground it's changed dynamics for sure but you know what it 360 00:40:46.080 --> 00:40:47.120 I can keep my peace 361 00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:56.800 and you don't realize how much peace means to you until it's like a million pieces on the floor. 362 00:41:10.160 --> 00:41:17.040 I don't remember every detail of everyone's story in this room but I was the one who 363 00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:20.800 almost drowned herself in the backyard pool. 364 00:41:25.680 --> 00:41:28.640 But I didn't do it because at the time 365 00:41:31.440 --> 00:41:39.760 my son loved eggs for breakfast and I was the only one who knew how to make his eggs 366 00:41:42.560 --> 00:41:47.840 and I didn't want my son to not have his eggs the next day. 367 00:41:53.680 --> 00:41:58.320 But when you're at the point where you've lost your peace 368 00:42:01.360 --> 00:42:04.880 and the only thing saving you is eggs [laughing] 369 00:42:11.280 --> 00:42:12.160 that's a problem. [laughing] 370 00:42:14.480 --> 00:42:19.760 And you better start refusing the things that have taken your peace. 371 00:42:21.760 --> 00:42:23.840 So. Yeah. 372 00:42:29.084 --> 00:42:34.876 --[Tamara] So Mel I just want to say to you 373 00:42:34.876 --> 00:42:38.121 one i'm grateful that those eggs were enough [laughing] [Adrienne] I know that's right! 374 00:42:38.121 --> 00:42:43.619 --[Mel] I can't even eat eggs! --Those eggs were enough literally to save your life! --[Mel] Yeah 375 00:42:43.619 --> 00:42:47.920 --Right so I knew Mel in that season 376 00:42:50.240 --> 00:42:55.101 and I attempted in that season to work with Mel --[Mel] Yeah. 377 00:42:55.101 --> 00:43:01.993 --Around this and I just left her with some words because i'm like she's not ready but i'm 378 00:43:01.993 --> 00:43:11.920 gonna plant the seed and it's up to her to do the rest and I said when will you be tired of being sick and tired don't 379 00:43:11.920 --> 00:43:16.080 keep telling me about it because every time I talked to Mel she had a reason why she was still 380 00:43:17.600 --> 00:43:25.840 in that space cool when you're ready so she needed to take that journey for herself 381 00:43:25.840 --> 00:43:32.960 because I could have just snatched her out right get out go now that wouldn't have been it 382 00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:36.480 it was for her to do the work and know that I needed an exit 383 00:43:38.240 --> 00:43:44.480 and so when eggs save your life just know that it was time for you to get your life a long time ago. 384 00:43:44.480 --> 00:43:50.720 --[Mel] Yeah, yeah. --[Tamara] All right y'all shake your arms out a little bit, it's heavy in the room all right ? 385 00:43:52.240 --> 00:43:59.387 All right, everybody feel the earth under your feet? -[Adrienne] No, I don't. [laughing] 386 00:44:08.418 --> 00:44:08.918 Ohh! [laughing] 387 00:44:15.620 --> 00:44:19.849 Ah I have the word attacked. [heavy sighing] 388 00:44:26.240 --> 00:44:32.080 And I can remember when I was you know my mom didn't raise me my grandmother did you know and 389 00:44:34.000 --> 00:44:39.360 and I can remember that coming up I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family 390 00:44:40.640 --> 00:44:45.040 you know because um my grandmother she did she took good care of me for us 391 00:44:45.600 --> 00:44:52.000 you know buying things and clothes and things like that but that was it teach me how to work 392 00:44:52.960 --> 00:44:57.760 hard and things like that because we had a farm and that was it that was you know but everything 393 00:44:57.760 --> 00:45:04.560 else was was not taught to me you know to be honest so coming up with my sisters and my mom 394 00:45:06.080 --> 00:45:10.240 my sister my they really raised themselves to be honest I'm gonna tell the truth you know 395 00:45:10.240 --> 00:45:14.800 um but I've always felt like I was under attacked by my siblings 396 00:45:15.360 --> 00:45:22.720 always - I didn't ask to be in the place that I was in you know I didn't ask to 397 00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:31.840 be raised by my grandmother I didn't ask for that stuff that was my life you know so I felt like 398 00:45:32.480 --> 00:45:35.760 I was always attacked attacked by them like they didn't really like me 399 00:45:36.480 --> 00:45:43.040 or they were um I think sometimes it was um a little jealous of what you know my grandmother 400 00:45:43.040 --> 00:45:46.640 did for me and they didn't you know whatever but they could have got the same thing and they did 401 00:45:47.280 --> 00:45:51.120 really you know end up not really without because of my 402 00:45:51.120 --> 00:45:54.800 you know my grandparents they just wasn't in the same house you know um 403 00:45:56.880 --> 00:46:00.640 but I feel like I was always up under attack and and I grew up thinking that 404 00:46:01.280 --> 00:46:04.960 you know that um that for whatever reason if I didn't do 405 00:46:05.680 --> 00:46:10.960 what you told me to do if I didn't talk the way you told me you know you tell me to talk 406 00:46:10.960 --> 00:46:15.920 or if I didn't do this or whatever then I felt like I always came up on the attack 407 00:46:16.560 --> 00:46:21.600 from from the situation other person so I'm like everybody else was saying that's when you become 408 00:46:21.600 --> 00:46:29.840 a people pleaser that's right I can remember being married um to a pastor and if I didn't um 409 00:46:31.680 --> 00:46:36.240 raise my hand a certain way or or you know when you you know praying or you're going 410 00:46:36.240 --> 00:46:41.600 to be spiritual, if I do that a certain way you know I come home I had to be upon its attack about 411 00:46:41.600 --> 00:46:46.800 you know why did you do it that way why did you do it that way it was always you know why why why why 412 00:46:46.800 --> 00:46:51.280 you gotta always do that why you always gotta do it this way why you know, why I just can't be me? [ladies agreeing] 413 00:46:55.040 --> 00:46:58.800 And that's how I grew up and I thank god for Adrienne Bell I do 414 00:46:59.440 --> 00:47:05.520 because when I began to talk to Adrienne, Adrienne really she she just she was very straightforward 415 00:47:05.520 --> 00:47:11.120 with me she made me think in aries in my life I never thought before about who I was 416 00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:18.000 and stop letting people attack me or come at me you know like I've done them something wrong 417 00:47:19.920 --> 00:47:25.120 you know and that's and I get it all the time. So I'm a loner I always say I'm a loner 418 00:47:25.120 --> 00:47:31.440 and I've been that way because I'm so afraid of being attacked rejected and all of that 419 00:47:32.480 --> 00:47:40.240 all tied up in it you know so, I love people, I do but I'm also kind of like wait a minute you know 420 00:47:40.240 --> 00:47:47.920 I'm afraid if I say this so now I live in fear about oh if I see it like this they don't look 421 00:47:47.920 --> 00:47:55.360 at me crazy or if I just be you know they're gonna look at me crazy well something to say 422 00:47:56.240 --> 00:48:00.240 you know whatever and that's not always the case for people but if you believe it long enough 423 00:48:01.600 --> 00:48:09.120 and if you hear it long enough that's how you live. So I need the healing of the breaking point 424 00:48:09.120 --> 00:48:15.760 of breaking beyond that you know because I realize in life I have a lot of potential, I have a lot 425 00:48:15.760 --> 00:48:23.680 on the inside of me and because I'm living fear about what people think about me or being attacked 426 00:48:24.960 --> 00:48:33.200 because the way I present myself it would shut me down so I've been shutting down a lot all my life. 427 00:48:33.200 --> 00:48:40.160 I'm shut it down huh a whole lot all right because I can remember when my son was preaching and he 428 00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:46.480 began to tell his testimony that that day brought a lot of men and women to the altar because of 429 00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:53.200 his testimony and he says what people didn't know that as a little kid I would hear my mama scream 430 00:48:54.480 --> 00:48:59.680 I couldn't help her, he said I would go in the closet and want to kill myself 431 00:49:00.240 --> 00:49:06.480 because I couldn't help my mama because I heard the screams, I heard my mama cry. 432 00:49:08.254 --> 00:49:13.934 And so for that I'd rather have other men to be - other men to be my father than my own daddy. 433 00:49:17.120 --> 00:49:25.360 --And there's something I want to tell you um how your your voice and who you are and when I see 434 00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:34.640 you and I hear you I hear the love of god. You have a voice that is calming, serene it's like 435 00:49:34.640 --> 00:49:38.160 it touches the heart so don't ever let anybody tell you different. --[Jennie] Thank you. 436 00:49:41.360 --> 00:49:47.840 --[Tamara] So I just want you to get your paper and write down other people's impression of me 437 00:49:52.560 --> 00:49:59.760 it's not my concern. --[Mel] That's good. --And I want you to live that because if you allow that to guide your 438 00:49:59.760 --> 00:50:07.040 every move then this agreement with being attacked feeling attacked not using your voice remember 439 00:50:07.920 --> 00:50:16.320 what does the book say? The muzzle has been removed don't put it back on so other people's impression 440 00:50:16.320 --> 00:50:22.960 of you is not your concern and I want you to let that be your daily affirmation however many times 441 00:50:22.960 --> 00:50:29.360 you need to remind yourself when you even start to feel attacked even think attack I need you 442 00:50:29.920 --> 00:50:34.880 to take control of your thoughts because your thoughts are the things that will drive your 443 00:50:34.880 --> 00:50:41.840 behavior right and then your behavior will become things and then here we are 57 years later. 444 00:50:50.240 --> 00:50:51.040 [laughing] 445 00:50:53.284 --> 00:50:56.720 --[Tamara] I thought someone would have picked up my card, that's yours baby. 446 00:51:00.635 --> 00:51:02.635 --Used. 447 00:51:07.040 --> 00:51:15.360 Used describes my relationship with my kid's dad my ex-husband 448 00:51:17.520 --> 00:51:28.720 Used. Used for sex used for his own gain. I met my kid's dad when I was in high school we did not go 449 00:51:28.720 --> 00:51:36.640 to school together I was 16 he was 20. And um it was one of those when I met him I had no business 450 00:51:36.640 --> 00:51:43.200 with him, knew I had no business with him but he was intriguing he was um he was suave he was 451 00:51:43.200 --> 00:51:52.000 smooth he was oh my god he likes me because I was the little book smart school girl from the suburbs 452 00:51:52.720 --> 00:52:02.800 and he was the street smart single parent fast talking you know that's what he was 453 00:52:03.360 --> 00:52:13.120 and so we were together for I think like two years before I lost my virginity to him and I knew even 454 00:52:13.120 --> 00:52:20.960 before that it happened that he was sleeping with other girls but my self-esteem at that time 455 00:52:22.400 --> 00:52:28.080 but he's 20. And I don't even think it dawned on me then this is a whole grown man like an adult 456 00:52:28.080 --> 00:52:33.680 he graduated from high school you know before I did but it didn't, I didn't understand 457 00:52:34.800 --> 00:52:41.440 I was being used because he knew that I knew no better he knew I was naive he knew I knew 458 00:52:41.440 --> 00:52:52.000 nothing about the street life he knew that. He did his dirt he cheated um he got locked up. He went to 459 00:52:53.120 --> 00:53:01.360 he went to jail and then he went from county jail he received uh I think a two-year sentence 460 00:53:01.360 --> 00:53:06.960 or something so he went to state prison but I was that ride or die chick, I ain't going nowhere . [laughing] 461 00:53:08.240 --> 00:53:14.720 We gonna do this bonnie and clyde you know. Yeah actually yeah here's the big the big used part 462 00:53:15.360 --> 00:53:23.120 um I got pregnant senior year I was pregnant the day of graduation high school but I didn't 463 00:53:23.120 --> 00:53:28.320 know it because it you know like just happened by the time I was supposed to go away to school 464 00:53:29.680 --> 00:53:34.400 I was like I can't do this I can't handle baby my dad is gonna kill me, I'm not ready to be a mother 465 00:53:34.400 --> 00:53:43.600 I can't do this and he said well you know it's up to you. So after the summer program was over 466 00:53:44.400 --> 00:53:55.200 I got back home and I went and had an abortion and by again by the time I was able to get all 467 00:53:55.200 --> 00:53:59.440 of this stuff done and I'm trying to hide it from my parents because there's no way in the world 468 00:53:59.440 --> 00:54:05.440 I'm going to go tell my parents that I'm pregnant right. It's a two-day procedure um 469 00:54:06.240 --> 00:54:13.520 I'm very traumatized but I blocked it because I had to handle it. I couldn't sit in that, I 470 00:54:13.520 --> 00:54:19.120 knew it was wrong but I couldn't sit in it like oh my god do you really understand what you're doing 471 00:54:19.120 --> 00:54:23.520 it was just like no you gotta go to college you gotta do this you gotta do that again appearance, 472 00:54:23.520 --> 00:54:28.160 judged, um attacked you know all of those things were right there and I was like I gotta do this I gotta 473 00:54:28.160 --> 00:54:35.840 do something, again he was there he was right there he never left. A couple maybe a couple weeks or so 474 00:54:35.840 --> 00:54:42.320 after that situation happened he actually proposed asked me to marry him. Oh my god I'm so excited! 475 00:54:44.480 --> 00:54:51.840 He was still messing around with other girls. He was still doing dirt. He got locked up again. 476 00:54:53.600 --> 00:55:01.200 Bonnie was still there for Clyde, because my self-esteem and I didn't understand I was being 477 00:55:01.200 --> 00:55:08.400 used I just didn't understand that. I didn't understand that I was the comfort place. 478 00:55:09.520 --> 00:55:18.800 I was the rock and I can walk over her like a doormat and she's not gonna go anywhere because 479 00:55:18.800 --> 00:55:29.120 she knows she ain't worth it anyway so why change what's going on? --[Adrienne] Wow! -- And so again this word is so 480 00:55:29.120 --> 00:55:39.760 powerful, because even women I come in contact with have experienced this very thing 481 00:55:39.760 --> 00:55:50.720 yeah but they don't know how to put the voice to it. I feel a sense of empowerment 482 00:55:50.720 --> 00:55:58.320 just right now just because I'm able to say I was used. --Yes so sometimes what happens is 483 00:55:58.320 --> 00:56:04.560 if we get to the point that we can say what actually happened to us we're like oh I'm free 484 00:56:04.560 --> 00:56:10.960 it's over I'm done and oftentimes that is the beginning of the process right ? Now we're no longer 485 00:56:10.960 --> 00:56:18.640 hiding right? We've exposed um the events that have caused us to experience certain levels of trauma 486 00:56:18.640 --> 00:56:23.360 so once we expose it then there are some steps that we need to take to actually deal with it 487 00:56:23.360 --> 00:56:28.320 it's not enough to just say well I shared my story but do you understand how your 488 00:56:28.320 --> 00:56:33.760 story has impacted your life? Do you understand what you needed to go through in order to get 489 00:56:33.760 --> 00:56:34.260 better? 490 00:56:38.228 --> 00:56:40.731 --I would pick this word. [women laughing] 491 00:56:46.737 --> 00:56:50.699 [women laughing] 492 00:56:52.480 --> 00:56:57.164 --So um the word I picked up was heartbroken. [women gasping]. -- See what I'm saying, I don't need that. 493 00:56:58.548 --> 00:57:02.264 [women laughing] 494 00:57:02.960 --> 00:57:20.240 Um when you grow up you never as a kid you you never you can't play the situations over 495 00:57:20.240 --> 00:57:27.120 in your mind the things that you would go through. When I was young I wanted to be a teacher so at 496 00:57:27.120 --> 00:57:32.480 sixth grade graduation we all held up the sign for teacher and we wrote out what it means to us right 497 00:57:33.680 --> 00:57:42.080 and that was one of the things I always I dreamed of. I had so many aspirations and as I began to 498 00:57:42.080 --> 00:57:49.200 grow and learn through life it just seemed like everything was one heartbreak after another. 499 00:57:50.640 --> 00:58:00.000 Not growing up with my biological father or his family was detrimental and it was detrimental 500 00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:08.880 for the simple fact that as a as a little girl you want to feel the love of your father 501 00:58:10.960 --> 00:58:14.640 I believe that because uh um, 502 00:58:17.600 --> 00:58:23.120 I had some some type of some it's like innate where I loved photography I was 503 00:58:23.120 --> 00:58:27.200 good with photography I was very creative my mother's not that way 504 00:58:28.000 --> 00:58:34.320 and when I met my biological father I learned that he was great with photography 505 00:58:34.880 --> 00:58:42.720 so there were certain things that I feel now that as a child growing up because I reminded my mother 506 00:58:42.720 --> 00:58:51.120 of him she resented me and treated me in certain types of ways that she didn't treat my sister um 507 00:58:51.760 --> 00:59:00.960 and that was heartbreaking. With my dad my dad that raised me I literally clung to him if he 508 00:59:00.960 --> 00:59:05.600 was waking up on the Saturday morning which is why I that's probably why I'm an early riser 509 00:59:05.600 --> 00:59:10.800 I would literally wake up and be ready because I knew he was going to go get his hair cut and 510 00:59:10.800 --> 00:59:14.000 we were going to go to Queens he was getting his hair cut and I'm going to ride with him 511 00:59:14.960 --> 00:59:19.120 and I would do that faithfully and then there would be certain times where 512 00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:23.920 my mother would beat me to it because the car was only a two-seater so only two of us really 513 00:59:23.920 --> 00:59:27.600 could go. When he would go out to Queens and stuff we always would visit the family and everything 514 00:59:27.600 --> 00:59:32.560 so when the family would see that I wasn't with him they'd be like oh you took her seat 515 00:59:34.160 --> 00:59:41.280 and my mother would get upset because she don't have a seat. Like okay. 516 00:59:43.120 --> 00:59:46.960 So when you grow up like that where you feel like you're constantly 517 00:59:49.040 --> 00:59:51.440 at odds it's heartbreaking. 518 00:59:52.160 --> 01:00:01.360 And I'm a fighter but I'm not a fighter right? Because I don't enjoy war but I can go to war so.... 519 01:00:04.080 --> 01:00:10.720 And I had to learn that because I was constantly warring but not because I wanted to but because 520 01:00:10.720 --> 01:00:15.840 of the situations that I was in I was put in and one of the biggest things I 521 01:00:15.840 --> 01:00:21.920 always wanted to defend was my heart and I wanted to protect my heart but every 522 01:00:21.920 --> 01:00:28.400 time I try to protect my heart I kept getting broken, so it was like at every turn you're 523 01:00:29.120 --> 01:00:35.680 you're breaking and as an adult, I didn't want to break [crying] 524 01:00:36.547 --> 01:00:40.520 I didn't want to break. I'm sorry. I can't break. [crying] --[Tamara] It's okay you can break, you can break. 525 01:00:42.377 --> 01:00:46.143 You have permission to break. --I, um... 526 01:00:51.920 --> 01:00:59.600 'Cause my ex broke me and I fight against that every day because I didn't want to break 527 01:00:59.600 --> 01:01:06.080 so I stood and everybody judged me because I stood because I said he won't break me 528 01:01:07.920 --> 01:01:14.640 he can't break me but he broke me. And I didn't want to experience that breaking 529 01:01:16.240 --> 01:01:25.520 and every day I fight the breaking. [crying] I lost my baby, that that broke me and broke me broke me 530 01:01:25.520 --> 01:01:31.120 down, it broke me down, it broke me and broke me and broke me and broke me broke me, it's breaking. 531 01:01:34.560 --> 01:01:40.080 And i laugh, I joke because that's the only thing I know how to do. I hate 532 01:01:40.080 --> 01:01:48.320 when you gotta fight for people to respect you when you gotta fight for love you gotta fight 533 01:01:50.240 --> 01:01:52.640 the only thing you know how to do is be joyful. 534 01:01:54.320 --> 01:01:59.520 That's the only thing you know how to do because then everything breaks you, everything, 535 01:02:00.720 --> 01:02:07.920 everything breaks you every day, every, everything. --[Tamara] I said to Nikiya I need you to allow your heart to 536 01:02:07.920 --> 01:02:16.640 break. Because I need you guys to sometimes sit in the pain of your brokenness. 537 01:02:16.640 --> 01:02:21.200 When we keep covering it up and covering it up and then we're like but why can't I heal lord? 538 01:02:21.200 --> 01:02:26.080 Why are you not helping me? You're not in the place you're not in a place where healing can begin. 539 01:02:26.080 --> 01:02:32.720 This is the place right? You're here now you said I don't want to break but you're broke and it's safe. 540 01:02:33.280 --> 01:02:39.520 It was safe here to do it to allow it. The therapist cries right now you know 541 01:02:39.520 --> 01:02:44.560 the therapist cries right? We're taught to you know hold it holding hold it right that's just 542 01:02:44.560 --> 01:02:50.160 how we're trained in the profession but that's not who I am and so when I need to be vulnerable 543 01:02:50.160 --> 01:02:54.480 I'm okay and I'm present with that moment so I thank you for sharing, I thank you for 544 01:02:55.360 --> 01:03:02.720 feeling safe enough to break with us [ladies agreeing] and to openly say I'm broken. I've been around here 545 01:03:02.720 --> 01:03:09.600 chanting, ranting, raving doing all this but I'm broken and I need help because now your healing 546 01:03:09.600 --> 01:03:16.640 can start, now your sisters know how to support you [ladies agreeing] and you don't have to do that anymore. 547 01:03:16.640 --> 01:03:21.680 You don't have to cover up anything. I'm broken and that's it yeah that's enough. 548 01:03:22.880 --> 01:03:24.426 Thank you for sharing. 549 01:03:26.428 --> 01:03:28.930 --[Candice] Judged. 550 01:03:29.953 --> 01:03:40.167 Just growing up and um you know how you I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture I grew up in a single home. 551 01:03:40.167 --> 01:03:47.086 My dad you know he was abusive and that's how hearing y'all's stories it does bring 552 01:03:47.086 --> 01:03:57.840 back memories. I came like right in on the end with my mom. Me and my brother like 15 months apart and they were barely married 553 01:03:59.040 --> 01:04:04.000 two years give or take and so I didn't see everything that happened with my mom 554 01:04:04.960 --> 01:04:12.240 but I saw how he was with my sister's mom so I can only imagine what my mom went through. I was 555 01:04:12.240 --> 01:04:19.680 a mama's girl and so when you know you're always under your mom and you know you hear things all 556 01:04:19.680 --> 01:04:26.640 of them not good let's be honest and so it was always something negative oh well your daddy did 557 01:04:26.640 --> 01:04:32.560 send your daddy dad and at a young age you know I didn't really see anything it didn't bother me 558 01:04:33.440 --> 01:04:39.600 but when you constantly hear that you started to believe that so the more I heard it the more I 559 01:04:39.600 --> 01:04:45.440 didn't want to have anything to do with my dad Imma just be honest you know and so in a sense 560 01:04:45.440 --> 01:04:52.720 I was you know judging him and so and granted the desires of my heart are to be married or to 561 01:04:52.720 --> 01:04:59.040 have kids but the reason why I can say that I'm not is because I saw my mom struggled 562 01:05:00.160 --> 01:05:06.240 I saw my mom sacrifice us and it's like you know she did what she had to do that's why 563 01:05:06.240 --> 01:05:10.880 it's like I have so much admiration for my mom and no I don't tell her all the time 564 01:05:11.440 --> 01:05:18.000 but my mom she was on her business as a mother and a lot of mothers aren't let's be real a 565 01:05:18.000 --> 01:05:25.360 lot of mothers aren't, but her example it set the tone for me to when I do have kids to be 566 01:05:26.400 --> 01:05:32.240 the the model mom or not perfect because of course my mom wasn't perfect but don't take 567 01:05:32.240 --> 01:05:37.725 for granted the gift of being a mother because nowadays so many mothers do. --[Adrienne] That's true. -- Okay [sighing] 568 01:05:40.193 --> 01:05:46.733 [laughing] 569 01:05:48.458 --> 01:05:49.840 --Okay. Rejected...umm. 570 01:05:52.640 --> 01:06:03.840 For me when I think of rejection the only person that pops up is my mama. Uh mom, I don't 571 01:06:04.880 --> 01:06:13.360 I've always been open that me and my mom don't click [laughing] but uh I think I started doing things 572 01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:17.840 I think I started to believe what she was telling me. She was always telling me I was rebellious 573 01:06:18.400 --> 01:06:25.920 you know you're the middle child you do what you want to do and for me that was a badge of honor 574 01:06:25.920 --> 01:06:34.720 that I didn't follow people but to her it always when she said it it was like I was a bad person 575 01:06:34.720 --> 01:06:44.160 from not doing it her way so uh when I got older I've always felt like it was a controlled thing. 576 01:06:45.040 --> 01:06:53.920 She felt like she couldn't control me so she made me feel you know, a way. 577 01:06:54.960 --> 01:07:01.760 So she accepted my brother and my sister because she could control them but she rejected me because 578 01:07:01.760 --> 01:07:08.000 she couldn't. --[Tamara] Do you remember the first time that you felt rejection from her? How old were you? 579 01:07:10.240 --> 01:07:16.800 --I probably was more aware of it around 15 but I felt it at 18 when I left. When I left I 580 01:07:16.800 --> 01:07:23.360 definitely saw it like you gonna do it your way when I told you to stay so now, do it all the 581 01:07:23.360 --> 01:07:29.040 way. It was no assistance it was nothing. --[Tamara] Do you see rejection playing out anywhere in your life 582 01:07:29.040 --> 01:07:34.640 in your relationship with your own children? --Oh yeah I don't, I don't even really have uh 583 01:07:36.960 --> 01:07:41.520 like I hear stories about how people just be like oh my babies my babies and I'll just be like oh 584 01:07:42.080 --> 01:07:45.840 yeah they're cute all right go over there um I just don't... 585 01:07:47.200 --> 01:07:53.920 I don't know, I don't have that attachment uh like some people do and we were we were like 586 01:07:53.920 --> 01:07:59.600 self-sufficient kids that's another thing. I never really necessarily had the nurturing 587 01:08:00.240 --> 01:08:06.160 that thing, I've always kind of been like things are what they are you know. I don't do the 588 01:08:07.200 --> 01:08:12.080 babying thing really well, I don't, I don't have that thing. I love my kids 589 01:08:12.080 --> 01:08:18.400 because we didn't hang with my parents like that they were never in the same space anyway so it was 590 01:08:19.200 --> 01:08:26.480 I didn't have that one-on-one thing and it was just none of that so I don't have that to really 591 01:08:26.480 --> 01:08:31.520 give. I don't think I caught on to being a mother until I had my third child, I don't want her to 592 01:08:31.520 --> 01:08:38.080 feel rejected because I don't, I didn't know how to do it. I just don't. --[Tamara] So I think that's the place 593 01:08:38.080 --> 01:08:43.200 where you might need to do a little bit of work a little bit of deeper work in terms of are you 594 01:08:44.000 --> 01:08:48.720 ready and willing to break the cycle? It's never too late to establish something new with your 595 01:08:48.720 --> 01:08:55.360 children right? And so because you didn't get the attachment and the nurturing thing 596 01:08:55.920 --> 01:09:03.280 until your third child your first two kids are already probably into the repeat of the cycle and 597 01:09:03.280 --> 01:09:08.640 so in order for you to disrupt you have to create something new yeah but in order to break the cycle 598 01:09:08.640 --> 01:09:14.320 of rejection because you're getting ready to be your grandma right? -[Angel] Yeah. --Yeah and so if you don't 599 01:09:14.320 --> 01:09:19.520 get it together yeah remember your grandchild you may you know display that same thing and 600 01:09:19.520 --> 01:09:24.880 there's a different role for grandmothers right they are all of that and so it's important to be 601 01:09:24.880 --> 01:09:33.840 able to exhibit that to your kids and so then shift how your generation looks for the future. 602 01:09:40.011 --> 01:09:42.011 --[Teresa] Controlled. [sighing] 603 01:09:44.560 --> 01:09:47.840 --Controlled for almost 25 years. 604 01:09:51.440 --> 01:09:54.320 In a very manipulative way. --[Mel] Yeah. 605 01:09:57.760 --> 01:10:04.160 --Control to to having a relationship in which 606 01:10:06.240 --> 01:10:13.360 you felt like you were at the bottom. You were the last person 607 01:10:13.360 --> 01:10:20.000 that was important. Control to the point of don't go to church because 608 01:10:21.200 --> 01:10:28.080 you don't need to go. Control because why are you singing there's a lot of people singing up there 609 01:10:29.120 --> 01:10:36.560 they don't need you. I couldn't have children on my own because I had cancer when I was 28 610 01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:44.720 and they had to remove my uterus, and I always thought that I wasn't going to have children. 611 01:10:46.000 --> 01:10:49.600 My social worker knocks on my door and she said Teresa sit down 612 01:10:50.160 --> 01:10:55.360 get a piece of paper, and I said okay and she gave me three names 613 01:10:57.360 --> 01:11:06.880 and the ages, one girl three years, old another girl two years old, and a little boy nine months old. 614 01:11:09.360 --> 01:11:11.840 [ladies gasping] God was waiting for my little boy to be born 615 01:11:14.720 --> 01:11:19.440 Once I got my kids I thought that this was going to go away 616 01:11:21.360 --> 01:11:26.720 because I thought that the reason why this was happening was because I was never able to give 617 01:11:26.720 --> 01:11:33.200 him a child that's what I thought all the time and that's one of the reasons why I felt so 618 01:11:34.080 --> 01:11:41.200 low and my self-esteem was so low because I didn't feel I was a woman enough for him because 619 01:11:41.200 --> 01:11:48.800 I couldn't give him the thing that he wanted. After I moved out with the kids he brought his nephew 620 01:11:48.800 --> 01:11:55.200 which I saw him grow ever since he was four years old and I knew that this boy was going to be trouble. 621 01:11:56.000 --> 01:11:59.680 And he brought him to live with him because he thought that he could fix him. 622 01:12:02.160 --> 01:12:10.320 When I am at church on a prayer night that I usually don't go because I had the kids 623 01:12:10.960 --> 01:12:19.200 and that night I said to my friend let's go let's go to prayer night tonight at 12 midnight we 624 01:12:19.200 --> 01:12:26.720 start praying for for the for our children and for protection for our children. At one o'clock 625 01:12:26.720 --> 01:12:32.480 in the morning the lord tells me go home. I see my phone and I see two missed calls from my ex. 626 01:12:33.440 --> 01:12:39.600 When I try to hear a voice message that his aunt left me, I started shaking, I grabbed my keys 627 01:12:40.240 --> 01:12:45.920 and I drove as fast as I could. And I go in there and I said to the police officer where are my kids? 628 01:12:47.440 --> 01:12:53.440 And she said I don't know, and when I look inside the house all I see is blood on the floor. 629 01:12:55.440 --> 01:13:02.000 When I see my exes aunt coming out of the house and I said where are the kids? So she started 630 01:13:02.000 --> 01:13:09.680 explaining to me that the nephew um was listening to foul music and my ex came and told him to turn 631 01:13:09.680 --> 01:13:17.840 it down because the kids were there, um when he told him no and my ex just closed his laptop 632 01:13:18.720 --> 01:13:25.200 he just jumped on him with a knife and started to stab him in front of the children. 633 01:13:26.640 --> 01:13:33.680 When we were praying for protection at 12 midnight this was what happened. My oldest girl 634 01:13:34.240 --> 01:13:39.680 grabbed the other two and she hides them in the closet. My ex didn't want to call 635 01:13:39.680 --> 01:13:45.440 the police because it was his nephew, then he called the neighbor to take him to the hospital 636 01:13:45.440 --> 01:13:52.240 and he leaves the kids in the house with him. That young man comes out of the house 637 01:13:53.280 --> 01:14:00.320 with a smile of the devil. I had never seen the devil so real like the face of that kid. 638 01:14:01.200 --> 01:14:06.640 The officer comes with me through the house and I have never seen anything in my life. Everything 639 01:14:06.640 --> 01:14:13.680 was broken, there was blood everywhere. I see my little kids and they were mommy we were praying 640 01:14:13.680 --> 01:14:21.280 for you to come and get us! But I knew that at that moment god had saved my kids and protected them 641 01:14:23.040 --> 01:14:30.640 but that's one of the reasons why god told me escape for your life. --[Adrienne] Wow. -- Because if i would 642 01:14:30.640 --> 01:14:35.600 have been in that moment in that house, I don't know what would have happened. 643 01:14:38.240 --> 01:14:41.840 --[Tamara] You stayed in a controlling situation 644 01:14:43.600 --> 01:14:52.560 waiting for god to move on his behalf but he didn't want god to move on his behalf. 645 01:14:52.560 --> 01:15:00.160 And so god needed to work with you and he needed to speak to you and say escape that's your only exit. 646 01:15:02.800 --> 01:15:05.360 So thank you for being able to heed the voice of god 647 01:15:05.920 --> 01:15:14.080 to know what you need to do and I'm sure you were scared out of your mind but you did it anyway and 648 01:15:14.080 --> 01:15:20.480 I'm so grateful that you live to tell the story [ladies agreeing] and to share with us to impact women to know 649 01:15:20.480 --> 01:15:26.880 because domestic violence is very real [ladies agreeing] and women need to know no matter how long it's been 650 01:15:28.080 --> 01:15:31.760 no day is ever too late unless it's the day that they take your life. 651 01:15:31.760 --> 01:15:38.910 [music playing] 652 01:15:38.910 --> 01:15:43.966 --[Tamara] When we start to talk about these things the brain will start to process the trauma 653 01:15:43.966 --> 01:15:48.210 and it will start to connect things that have happened in the past to things that are happening currently. 654 01:15:48.627 --> 01:15:55.801 If we don't heal we're going to pass that thing down to our children to their children and we'll see it manifests in so many different ways. 655 01:15:56.802 --> 01:15:58.804 --[Adrienne] Everybody got rocks? 656 01:16:00.806 --> 01:16:18.908 [ladies chatting] 657 01:16:20.910 --> 01:16:35.799 [wind howling] 658 01:16:37.440 --> 01:16:45.120 --[Tamara] All right so ladies you can drop the rocks, drop the rocks. I just need each person take 10 seconds 659 01:16:45.120 --> 01:16:49.760 and tell me what you thought the purpose of the exercise was. --At first I was like what the hell 660 01:16:49.760 --> 01:16:54.560 am I holding these rocks for but then after just clowning about it I realized that it's 661 01:16:54.560 --> 01:17:00.240 a lot of weight that we carry and until we decide to drop it is when things are changed. 662 01:17:00.800 --> 01:17:07.280 --I thought it was to see how long we were going to carry it. -- Um I thought about how there were 663 01:17:07.280 --> 01:17:12.080 different number of rocks in each bag one was um had more rocks than the other and I was just 664 01:17:12.080 --> 01:17:17.440 thinking about balance. -- I was thinking more about the weight because I heard a few people saying 665 01:17:18.000 --> 01:17:22.560 that they were too heavy but mine weren't that heavy so I was like okay i'm just gonna wait and 666 01:17:22.560 --> 01:17:28.560 see when are they gonna tell us to put them down. --Why are we holding them when we don't have to? 667 01:17:29.520 --> 01:17:35.280 --I was very, I was actually uncomfortable putting them down because you know, that's life, but I put them 668 01:17:35.280 --> 01:17:40.480 down because I heard everybody say well what if it's about putting them down? --Well at first I was 669 01:17:40.480 --> 01:17:45.440 thinking like okay why are we holding these rocks um and then I thought and I said it out 670 01:17:45.440 --> 01:17:50.880 loud I said they don't belong to me so why am I carrying this these rocks? --What kind of attitude 671 01:17:50.880 --> 01:17:57.200 do we have when we are carrying something or when we going through something? --I automatically thought 672 01:17:57.200 --> 01:18:03.360 rock of ages care for thee let me hide myself in me. --I saw this as a trust building exercise 673 01:18:03.360 --> 01:18:08.800 where it says upon this rock I built my church and so even though I didn't know what the next set of 674 01:18:08.800 --> 01:18:15.280 instruction was I just centered myself focused on my breathing remained calm. -- Nikiya had it best 675 01:18:15.280 --> 01:18:21.120 in terms of the purpose of the exercise was for you guys to decide we have to make a decision and 676 01:18:21.120 --> 01:18:28.240 we don't need permission from anyone else to put down things that hurt us. I said to hold the rocks. 677 01:18:28.240 --> 01:18:34.240 I never told you that you couldn't put the rocks down. I never told you any other instruction other 678 01:18:34.240 --> 01:18:41.760 than that because I wanted to give you free will to do what you felt you needed to do for you. 679 01:18:41.760 --> 01:18:48.880 How long will we carry pain before we make a decision? So Miss Jennie was the first person to identify 680 01:18:48.880 --> 01:18:54.720 we can put them down but Miss Jennie didn't put hers down right because there was not a collective yes. 681 01:18:54.720 --> 01:19:02.640 You guys were focused, Sound was completely in the experience but to hold the pain. To hold the pain. 682 01:19:03.520 --> 01:19:10.000 So this is about understanding when it's time right I can drop this I don't have to do this 683 01:19:10.000 --> 01:19:16.480 I refuse to continue. So the next part of this exercise is you wrote some things on some paper 684 01:19:16.480 --> 01:19:21.360 which should be fresh in your mind. I want you to open up the rocks and I want you to pick 685 01:19:21.360 --> 01:19:26.000 out the rocks that represents the weight of those things that you wrote on your list. 686 01:19:29.973 --> 01:19:35.840 [bags crinkling] [music playing] 687 01:19:41.040 --> 01:19:42.720 --When you guys have the rocks that you need 688 01:19:42.720 --> 01:19:46.824 please drop the bag. [rocks hitting ground] 689 01:19:56.160 --> 01:19:58.640 I want you guys to think about what you wrote on the list, 690 01:19:59.680 --> 01:20:04.080 think about the pain that you've endured from that. Think about where you've held that pain 691 01:20:04.080 --> 01:20:08.800 in your body and you're going to turn behind you you're going to walk over 692 01:20:08.800 --> 01:20:15.040 and when you're ready you're going to release the pain by throwing the rocks. 693 01:20:16.019 --> 01:20:18.814 [music playing] 694 01:20:20.960 --> 01:20:26.000 It's your job to take the tools that we give and build a house. Now if you choose to build 695 01:20:26.000 --> 01:20:31.760 a house with your hand which we know is very impossible then what can we do right? We can't 696 01:20:31.760 --> 01:20:36.640 do anything so we can only provide you with the things that you need but you must do the work. 697 01:20:41.040 --> 01:20:48.800 --At one point I wanted to ask for more instruction and I also wanted to ask if we could put them down 698 01:20:49.360 --> 01:20:53.440 but I didn't and that's something that is a reflection upon me because I'm 699 01:20:53.440 --> 01:21:01.200 always seeking permission and there's a quote that I learned from Lisa Nichols about stop 700 01:21:01.200 --> 01:21:10.800 giving permission and start serving notice and that's something I need to be more active 701 01:21:11.600 --> 01:21:21.040 actively applying every day. I was raised to not do anything unless I was given permission to do so 702 01:21:21.680 --> 01:21:29.280 there was that fear of not being given the permission to do so and so I didn't. 703 01:21:29.280 --> 01:21:32.960 --I want to be transparent okay. We're holding something oh I'm holding something that I'm not supposed to be holding 704 01:21:33.840 --> 01:21:38.800 you know because once I saw you just looking you know I start looking at it through a different 705 01:21:38.800 --> 01:21:45.520 view and now here's the transparency of it is that when I said that I want to put them down 706 01:21:45.520 --> 01:21:52.560 and I picked them back up and so many times in our lives we look for affirmation you know from people 707 01:21:52.560 --> 01:21:56.880 you know to see what other people want to do or either people just bring the pain on you know 708 01:21:56.880 --> 01:22:02.880 see what they say about it and I purposely found the biggest black rock I could find in my bag 709 01:22:03.680 --> 01:22:09.200 you know and to me that rock represent darkness of all the darkness that the pain brought in no 710 01:22:09.200 --> 01:22:13.920 matter which direction it came from it's still in the one big dark space in my life 711 01:22:14.640 --> 01:22:23.840 you know so I threw the old Jennie aboard over with all the darkness and I want the new Jennie. [ladies agreeing] 712 01:22:25.920 --> 01:22:32.960 --I'm a carrier so because I'm a carrier I carry everything. I thought going into this that one of 713 01:22:32.960 --> 01:22:39.120 the biggest rocks I would have picked up to get rid of was rejection because i dealt with that 714 01:22:39.920 --> 01:22:46.240 um but it wasn't. Uh I literally had to look up the definition of invalidation 715 01:22:47.840 --> 01:22:54.960 and when you look it up it means to make less official to make less true. 716 01:22:54.960 --> 01:23:03.600 That is the biggest thing that I deal with is feeling invalidated because I have, I have a big 717 01:23:03.600 --> 01:23:13.520 issue. I do not complete tasks. I do not complete assignments. I literally for the last nine years 718 01:23:14.640 --> 01:23:23.280 have had one class to finish to get my degree and have yet to do that. Invalidation. 719 01:23:26.320 --> 01:23:27.200 I literally, on my job... 720 01:23:29.680 --> 01:23:33.200 I need certain certification and I will be the one 721 01:23:33.200 --> 01:23:38.400 I will research all the information get all information gather it. Put that over there. 722 01:23:39.520 --> 01:23:42.880 I've been supposed to be writing the second book for the last year. 723 01:23:44.960 --> 01:23:50.480 Can't do it. And all of that sums up in validation 724 01:23:51.520 --> 01:24:02.240 because everything starts and stops and I feel less official. You said pick up pick up the rocks right 725 01:24:02.960 --> 01:24:07.600 so when I looked into one bag I had all these rocks they were real heavy in that bag. 726 01:24:07.600 --> 01:24:12.400 So then I added some more from the other bag and put them in that bag because invalidation is so 727 01:24:12.400 --> 01:24:19.200 heavy for me. I had to literally refill the bag and I said see these little ones right here, I dealt 728 01:24:19.200 --> 01:24:23.680 with rejection, I dealt with feeling used, I've dealt with feeling disrespected, i dealt with being 729 01:24:23.680 --> 01:24:28.000 judged, one thing no one ever can do is control me, I've dealt with being attacked. That stuff 730 01:24:29.280 --> 01:24:34.960 didn't hold no weight outside of invalidation and being heartbroken so I said this one bag is going 731 01:24:34.960 --> 01:24:39.200 to represent everything so every single rock in this bag is going to represent invalidation 732 01:24:39.200 --> 01:24:43.760 and being heartbroken so I'ma throw all these rocks these little rocks right here this is 733 01:24:43.760 --> 01:24:48.160 just going to be the reminder of everything that I made it out of. You can't use me no 734 01:24:48.160 --> 01:24:53.280 more, you can't disrespect me no more, you can't reject me because i don't even hold on to that. 735 01:24:53.280 --> 01:25:03.440 That is why I'm here because I, I cannot move forward in life feeling like I'm less than. 736 01:25:04.320 --> 01:25:12.080 I can't and I told Adrienne I said I'm tired of these narcissistic people coming into my 737 01:25:12.080 --> 01:25:17.760 life and Adrienne said but why? Why do you think they coming? For the life of me I didn't get 738 01:25:17.760 --> 01:25:24.160 it but I get it now why they come in my life and it's because of this feeling of invalidation 739 01:25:24.160 --> 01:25:29.920 and being just heartbroken. Like I was married before like my mom and dad have no idea I was 740 01:25:29.920 --> 01:25:38.000 married before, I hid that very well and when I married him he was in jail. You feel invalidated 741 01:25:38.000 --> 01:25:45.760 you're gonna do some crazy stuff. And he was supposed to come home April 24 2010. 742 01:25:47.440 --> 01:25:59.040 When he didn't come home April 24th in 2010 and them cops literally harassed me, followed me, 743 01:26:00.160 --> 01:26:10.560 pulled me over, pulled guns on us, I ain't never in my life, felt so less than. Ever. 744 01:26:12.640 --> 01:26:22.080 I didn't understand the weight of uh invalidation until today. 745 01:26:22.080 --> 01:26:29.200 I'm like now I'm like oh the rock has been thrown therefore I can't walk in that no more. 746 01:26:29.840 --> 01:26:35.840 So I got to do my little one class to get this good degree [ladies cheering] 747 01:26:39.760 --> 01:26:43.360 I got a lot to do [ladies agreeing] but I'm gonna do it now. 748 01:26:44.000 --> 01:26:49.840 --[Adrienne] And we're gonna hold you accountable and get all of us as a tribe. 749 01:26:52.000 --> 01:26:58.720 --I'm one of those people if I'm given a task I just to me, I have to see it through. Like literally 750 01:26:58.720 --> 01:27:01.120 I would have been the person still out there freezing to death 751 01:27:02.000 --> 01:27:10.000 holding them because I committed to doing it so I would have just literally held them um... 752 01:27:11.760 --> 01:27:19.520 I will say when we went to finally get rid of them um the rock that I held onto 753 01:27:22.960 --> 01:27:31.840 the one that I labeled was the rejection [crying] 754 01:27:34.960 --> 01:27:45.840 That was my word from earlier. And I gave my surface answer 755 01:27:47.360 --> 01:27:56.400 but I realized not right in that moment more like after it was over that what I actually 756 01:27:56.400 --> 01:28:08.240 reject is emotion, which is why I don't react to things like other people um and It's a choice 757 01:28:09.200 --> 01:28:17.520 because I associate emotion with pain not pleasure even though I know there's pleasure in emotion. 758 01:28:17.520 --> 01:28:24.080 I don't like it, I don't like going there. This morning when I realized we were doing this 759 01:28:24.080 --> 01:28:30.400 I was in the mood, I didn't want to dig. And I apologize to anyone that noticed it. 760 01:28:30.400 --> 01:28:36.240 I was very closed off uh I was present you know and I definitely participated and none 761 01:28:36.240 --> 01:28:42.080 of it was fake but I didn't go as deep as I know I could have because I don't like this, 762 01:28:42.960 --> 01:28:50.080 I don't like this. I don't like the way I feel um when I do stuff like this. I don't even know how to 763 01:28:51.600 --> 01:28:55.840 really receive it. I don't like it. I associate emotion 764 01:28:57.680 --> 01:29:02.720 with pain that's the best way I can explain it. I don't want to attach. 765 01:29:05.120 --> 01:29:10.160 It's because I'm not allowing myself to feel it so... 766 01:29:11.200 --> 01:29:16.880 I held it for a while and I let it go because I decided that I just don't want to be that way anymore. 767 01:29:19.440 --> 01:29:21.440 I want to be emotionally available. 768 01:29:22.480 --> 01:29:25.200 So I can go where I'm supposed to go and do what I'm supposed to do. 769 01:29:28.480 --> 01:29:35.200 --[Tamara] So i just want us to be present for Angel at this moment and I just want you to 770 01:29:35.200 --> 01:29:40.720 feel whatever you feel and know that you're safe with us without rejection 771 01:29:40.720 --> 01:29:48.720 and know that you're okay you're safe. --We carry things that we are not supposed to be carrying. 772 01:29:48.720 --> 01:29:55.360 When she says that sometimes we put them down and sometimes we pick them up again because that's 773 01:29:55.360 --> 01:30:02.800 our nature especially us women we we tend to be the caregivers the the ones that take care of 774 01:30:02.800 --> 01:30:11.040 everybody but themselves and we take, we tend to be the problem solver in the house and we 775 01:30:11.040 --> 01:30:19.840 carry those and take them back instead of leaving them down and setting ourselves free. 776 01:30:19.840 --> 01:30:27.797 🎵 Walk inside your strength, yeah, yeah, don't let know one hold you back again.🎵 777 01:30:28.800 --> 01:30:33.840 --[Tamara] So Jondahlyn how does it feel and what does it mean to you to be a part of the fearless storytellers? 778 01:30:34.480 --> 01:30:43.440 --Wow so um first of all i'd say about a year more ago no more than a year ago I just wouldn't even 779 01:30:43.440 --> 01:30:49.760 believe that i'd be in this place because um to be a part of this movement with women who 780 01:30:49.760 --> 01:30:58.000 can understand part of my story and joining with a tribe that is fearlessly telling their story 781 01:30:58.000 --> 01:31:04.640 removing the muscle - the muzzle gave me permission to say guess what? I do have some broken parts of 782 01:31:04.640 --> 01:31:10.720 my life but it doesn't make up the whole of me. So joining the movement and being able to write it 783 01:31:11.760 --> 01:31:18.560 and then share it with the world it's a freedom. I feel like I can finally breathe. So my 784 01:31:19.120 --> 01:31:25.840 chapter in the book is called the rebound chick --The rebound chick? --The rebound chick. --Okay. 785 01:31:25.840 --> 01:31:32.320 -And um it's not as most people would suppose but in my story I really just 786 01:31:32.320 --> 01:31:38.400 take you through a journey of how I grew up a pastor's kids we were taught how to talk 787 01:31:38.400 --> 01:31:45.600 how to speak how to dress how to walk and all things were basically scripted. So I talk in the 788 01:31:45.600 --> 01:31:51.440 story about how most of my life I felt like I was on stage. I felt like I was a performer. 789 01:31:52.400 --> 01:31:59.920 I felt like I had to be perfect in order to be accepted. I learned how to be a servant leader. 790 01:31:59.920 --> 01:32:07.920 I learned that everything was about serving others but i'll be honest I was never taught to give 791 01:32:07.920 --> 01:32:16.800 myself oxygen first. I wasn't taught that I was important so what I did, I got involved in these 792 01:32:16.800 --> 01:32:23.920 relationships where I thought my job was to serve in these relationships these marriages because 793 01:32:23.920 --> 01:32:31.840 I had multiple marriages two, failed marriages, I thought that my job was to be their Jesus to save 794 01:32:31.840 --> 01:32:38.240 them because I did not like all of the seasons of my parents marriage. Once they got what they needed 795 01:32:39.760 --> 01:32:44.640 they you know they were gone they didn't need me anymore and so I was broken I didn't know what 796 01:32:44.640 --> 01:32:49.040 to do. --So let me ask you this because there was times when it wasn't working out right? 797 01:32:49.760 --> 01:32:56.320 And you reached out to some of your sisters you reached out to Adrienne as a matter of fact and 798 01:32:56.880 --> 01:33:04.960 Adreinne simply told you, I'm not praying for this this foolishness. I will not be participating. 799 01:33:04.960 --> 01:33:09.920 Do you remember that moment? --Do I remember it i'll never forget [laughing] --Talk to me about that. 800 01:33:10.640 --> 01:33:18.320 So Adrienne, I reached out to Adrienne when I was in what I call the belly of the whale. My marriage was 801 01:33:18.320 --> 01:33:23.280 completely falling apart. I could not make that man love me the way I thought that I should be loved. 802 01:33:25.360 --> 01:33:32.800 And so I reached out to her now mind you when I reached out to her not really realizing it but 803 01:33:32.800 --> 01:33:40.720 I was still in that vein of being on stage you know? No one must know that i'm a hot mess and 804 01:33:40.720 --> 01:33:49.840 i'm completely falling apart and it moves me to tears because when I think about how I reached out 805 01:33:50.960 --> 01:34:01.200 to give my you know spirit-filled deeply spiritual plea for help but even when I did that with Adrienne 806 01:34:01.200 --> 01:34:10.160 I pre-wrote my speech to just pour my heart out to her to ask for help um and for 807 01:34:10.160 --> 01:34:16.160 her to serve in my life to just help pray for my marriage to work and she shut me all the way down. 808 01:34:17.200 --> 01:34:22.720 [laughing] And she said i'm not praying for that, that's foolish. But when I tell you 809 01:34:26.000 --> 01:34:27.280 after she shut me down... 810 01:34:29.600 --> 01:34:35.200 and I began to pray for her, I know that it was god because 811 01:34:36.400 --> 01:34:42.080 I couldn't shake her, I couldn't shake her, and I was like I have to reach back 812 01:34:42.080 --> 01:34:47.840 out to her because i'm still dying. I was still literally dying, I wanted to 813 01:34:48.400 --> 01:34:53.760 commit to, I wanted to kill myself but I was so spiritual but something kept leading me to her. 814 01:34:55.200 --> 01:35:04.160 And I reached back and I had to allow her to speak into my life and I know that was 815 01:35:04.160 --> 01:35:08.400 god because normally I was shutting my own mother down. She was trying to advise me 816 01:35:09.040 --> 01:35:14.880 that I was operating in pride she told me that. My mother told me you're operating in pride and 817 01:35:14.880 --> 01:35:20.720 idolatry because you are worshiping this drama this man and you would not allow god to break you. 818 01:35:21.920 --> 01:35:27.680 Now it was easy to shut my mother down but when I allowed Adrienne to speak into my life 819 01:35:27.680 --> 01:35:33.760 we stayed on the phone [crying] and this is the sacrifice she made for me which is why I love her so deeply. 820 01:35:33.760 --> 01:35:41.440 And I know that she was sent straight from heaven. She labored long with me. She stayed on that phone 821 01:35:41.440 --> 01:35:46.800 and she would not let me go [crying]. I was literally sitting in the driveway of my parents house 822 01:35:48.240 --> 01:35:57.040 and it was nighttime. She stayed on the phone with me literally from the going down of one day 823 01:35:57.760 --> 01:36:04.960 to the rising of another. [laughing] I saw the sun set and rise again, she labored with me and she called out 824 01:36:05.920 --> 01:36:12.160 all these things that my mother had already for- told to me. She told me I needed to ask god to 825 01:36:12.160 --> 01:36:18.160 forgive me for operating in pride, I needed to go basically rededicate my life because i'm 826 01:36:18.160 --> 01:36:23.200 worshiping the situation and the very god that I ministered to the world about is the very god 827 01:36:23.200 --> 01:36:29.760 I did not believe could do it for me. --When I saw the opportunity to become a storyteller I thought 828 01:36:29.760 --> 01:36:35.920 about the different stories that kept me engaged and that brought life to my imagination and so I 829 01:36:35.920 --> 01:36:41.920 felt that if I wrote my story in third person I would be able to share that artistic expression 830 01:36:41.920 --> 01:36:49.840 that I so enjoy myself, also as a thriver of domestic violence I wanted to continue my 831 01:36:49.840 --> 01:36:55.840 healing process in my journey and so I felt that first person would keep me really connected to the 832 01:36:55.840 --> 01:37:02.000 events that happened and so not to disassociate myself but to just continue in that healing vein. 833 01:37:02.000 --> 01:37:07.600 I felt that third person would allow me to step outside of myself and see myself through 834 01:37:07.600 --> 01:37:14.640 the journey to continue my healing process and to encourage others to heal as well . --[Tamara] You call yourself 835 01:37:14.640 --> 01:37:22.640 a domestic thriver and not a domestic violence survivor. Why such a significant difference? 836 01:37:23.280 --> 01:37:29.120 --Yes so when I was in a survivor phase of the situation I was just making it day to day. 837 01:37:29.120 --> 01:37:34.240 I was always on edge. I was always looking over my shoulder just trying to figure out what I 838 01:37:34.240 --> 01:37:42.400 needed to do in that moment. When I was surviving I was never fully present. I was always stressed 839 01:37:42.400 --> 01:37:48.960 and that was not a way for me to live. So once I, once I realized that I could move past that phase 840 01:37:48.960 --> 01:37:56.560 I said you know what, it's time for me to live and to thrive. So in thriving i'm able to just be 841 01:37:56.560 --> 01:38:03.120 spontaneous to find joy in the situation and even when I have to recall the details of what happened 842 01:38:03.120 --> 01:38:09.520 to me i'm no longer stressed and I no longer have the trauma in my cellular memory because 843 01:38:09.520 --> 01:38:16.720 I have released it and I can continue to grow and to bloom and to soar. Just look at yourself 844 01:38:17.600 --> 01:38:24.160 and see yourself being whole because you have children who are looking to you for their strength 845 01:38:24.720 --> 01:38:29.840 however you're unable to help anyone until you help yourself. 846 01:38:29.840 --> 01:38:31.840 [music playing] 847 01:38:38.560 --> 01:38:44.400 --[Tamara] Good morning ladies. So last night you guys were given an assignment and the assignment was 848 01:38:44.400 --> 01:38:50.960 for you to write a letter to your sister and the purpose of this assignment is for bonding 849 01:38:50.960 --> 01:38:57.840 for women to be able to display to the world that we can develop sisterhood 850 01:38:58.560 --> 01:39:05.200 from people individuals and other women who we don't know whom we've never met but we shared 851 01:39:05.200 --> 01:39:11.840 the same story. --[Mel] To my dearest sister Miss Jennie. It has been an absolute honor to have met you. 852 01:39:13.280 --> 01:39:22.080 [crying] I just love your spirit because I think of you as a butterfly. When a butterfly gets ready to leave 853 01:39:22.880 --> 01:39:29.440 it's outgrown its present circumstance. It has to struggle. It has to fidget 854 01:39:30.400 --> 01:39:37.920 and it has to squirm. It has to agitate the walls of the cocoon until eventually 855 01:39:37.920 --> 01:39:45.920 the walls will break. Starting next year you are going to begin your process of release and emerge 856 01:39:46.560 --> 01:39:53.840 and i'm so excited to see the butterfly that you're becoming I love you very much. You got this. 857 01:40:00.080 --> 01:40:07.840 --Dear Candice, reading your story made me realize how much we have gone through 858 01:40:08.400 --> 01:40:17.280 that are similar situations that connects us to be relatable to each other. I always felt rejected 859 01:40:17.840 --> 01:40:23.360 by my dad. Before I was born he had my older brother 860 01:40:25.120 --> 01:40:32.240 and three sisters. After all these years I have prayed and asked god for healing. 861 01:40:33.840 --> 01:40:40.800 Take refuge in his love when those dark days come. Know that 862 01:40:40.800 --> 01:40:52.480 your father is waiting for you with open arms. When I see you, I see joy. When I see you, I see laughter. 863 01:40:54.880 --> 01:41:07.200 When I see you, I see a fearless storyteller I can call my sister. --Thank you so much, thank you. 864 01:41:08.320 --> 01:41:13.680 --I needed that so much. --Dear fearless storyteller movement sister Chelsia. 865 01:41:14.960 --> 01:41:22.080 Your angle of love has come from pure passion and pain. My heart breaks 866 01:41:23.200 --> 01:41:30.560 that just like mine, your first sweetie was a cheater. I am so sorry he had so many children 867 01:41:30.560 --> 01:41:36.000 outside of your union. Thank you for giving yourself the permission to love and love again. 868 01:41:37.040 --> 01:41:42.000 When children see their mothers happy and loved it gives them hope of a brighter future. 869 01:41:42.800 --> 01:41:47.680 It allows them to see that even after bad breakups love can prevail. 870 01:41:49.520 --> 01:41:56.400 Losing a loved one is never easy especially a spouse so i've been told. I am so sorry you were 871 01:41:56.400 --> 01:42:03.040 widowed at such a young age. When you have thoughts of negativity and defeat it's okay to talk it out 872 01:42:03.600 --> 01:42:10.000 write it out and shout it out. But you do not have permission to stay there. You do 873 01:42:10.000 --> 01:42:16.720 not have permission to live there. You are more than a conqueror. Your children are more than 874 01:42:16.720 --> 01:42:27.840 conquerors. At the end of the day god is love and your story is your glory. You are an amazing mother. 875 01:42:29.233 --> 01:42:31.233 --Thank you. --Love you. 876 01:42:34.400 --> 01:42:45.280 --To my dear beloved sister Chris aka Mama Chris. I can relate as I have 877 01:42:45.280 --> 01:42:51.040 spent a great portion of my life hiding behind the veil of shame and heartbreak 878 01:42:52.720 --> 01:43:00.640 your soul and your voice was once silenced although you were screaming to the top of 879 01:43:00.640 --> 01:43:09.840 your lungs on the inside but it was as if no one heard you. Your innocence was taken from you 880 01:43:10.960 --> 01:43:20.960 and you were used even as a sex object. These experiences took you to a deeper depth into 881 01:43:20.960 --> 01:43:31.280 exclusion, into feeling like an outcast from your family, from your friends, from your community. 882 01:43:32.480 --> 01:43:39.920 The stigmas that were set by your family must have added to those feelings of unworthiness 883 01:43:40.560 --> 01:43:46.640 and low self-esteem. I want you to know my sister that every negative secret, 884 01:43:47.920 --> 01:43:57.920 sexual violation, abuse and shame, they do not define the whole of who the beautiful you 885 01:43:58.640 --> 01:44:11.040 is. You are a part of the beautiful rainbow that makes up all of god's creation. I love you. --Love you too. 886 01:44:16.320 --> 01:44:23.920 --To my dearest sister girl, Sound Whisdom. Holy his dominion. I'm so glad you have finally used your 887 01:44:23.920 --> 01:44:29.920 voice that you have decided to stand and no longer walk in shame of life's decisions that 888 01:44:29.920 --> 01:44:35.920 carried you on this journey of healing, declaring and decreeing, coming out of agreement with that 889 01:44:36.560 --> 01:44:42.880 which was meant to destroy you and your voice. You didn't deserve to be abused, to be used, to 890 01:44:42.880 --> 01:44:51.120 be shamed. You didn't deserve for you to feel as if love should hurt. Great men and women are born 891 01:44:51.120 --> 01:44:59.360 for the time in which they are needed the most. You are yet still here because you are needed the most. 892 01:45:00.800 --> 01:45:08.400 You my sister have moved forward and continue to allow the light of god 893 01:45:09.680 --> 01:45:20.640 to shine through you. Until all have heard, Sound Whisdom, sound glory, sound praise, sound mind, 894 01:45:21.600 --> 01:45:31.840 sound everything. You have been made whole. You my dear, have been made whole. --Love you. --Thank you. 895 01:45:38.000 --> 01:45:46.480 --Dear Jondahlyn, as we discussed last night this project introduced us to each other a little 896 01:45:46.480 --> 01:45:55.600 over a year ago. I met you just two days ago and my first impression of you was love. I feel that you 897 01:45:55.600 --> 01:46:05.440 are a lover of people. Without me saying a word our first encounter consisted of you with open arms 898 01:46:05.440 --> 01:46:13.040 giving me a hug. No shade as little as you are, you have and give hugs that are two times your size. 899 01:46:14.160 --> 01:46:21.840 This to me equates your big heart. So yes sister you are a performer, however over the last two days 900 01:46:21.840 --> 01:46:28.560 in my eyes it has been a positive performance. You bared your heart and cried tears that 901 01:46:28.560 --> 01:46:36.880 equate strength. Your crazy musical ad-libs and sayings are hilarious. Most importantly 902 01:46:37.600 --> 01:46:43.760 your personality exhibits to me that you aren't a standoffish individual. 903 01:46:45.040 --> 01:46:49.920 So my sister my advice to you and suggestion is that you keep 904 01:46:49.920 --> 01:46:57.520 performing positively. And I absolutely positively love you. --Awe love you, thank you. 905 01:47:00.160 --> 01:47:07.840 --Dear Mel, when I think of you the words that come to mind is compassion and humility. 906 01:47:08.560 --> 01:47:15.280 I think of you choosing to cry later as if your pain was not important enough to show 907 01:47:16.800 --> 01:47:19.600 but in the midst of you putting yourself lower for others 908 01:47:20.400 --> 01:47:26.800 you forgot that you cannot pour from an empty cup. You must always, always take care of you. 909 01:47:28.400 --> 01:47:34.800 Your transparency is unmatched. You never speak as if you're going to hold anything back. 910 01:47:35.440 --> 01:47:42.240 Instead you show total vulnerability. You gave your pain and desperation a voice. 911 01:47:42.960 --> 01:47:50.160 You spoke to it not allowing it to break you even though you felt that you were very lost. 912 01:47:50.160 --> 01:47:55.040 We all know that god shielded you on that day that you felt that you didn't want to live 913 01:47:55.040 --> 01:48:02.480 anymore but your free will did kick in, and even though you saw eggs as your reason to survive, 914 01:48:03.360 --> 01:48:08.800 the eggs for me symbolize something else. Eggs do one of two things under pressure. 915 01:48:10.240 --> 01:48:17.280 They can either get very hard or they can break and become soft. After what life has shown you 916 01:48:17.280 --> 01:48:24.640 you could have gotten really hard but instead you allowed yourself to be broken open and softened up. 917 01:48:25.840 --> 01:48:32.400 You use that openness and softness to finally begin healing and also being a blessing for others. 918 01:48:33.920 --> 01:48:40.400 You are such an amazing mother. I know that just from the look in your eyes when you speak of them 919 01:48:41.200 --> 01:48:47.040 whether you're talking about brownies or using the pot it is a lot of joy when you 920 01:48:47.040 --> 01:48:53.040 speak of your children. I admire that so much about you. You are worthy of love. 921 01:48:54.000 --> 01:49:01.520 You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of peace and your sanity. Something tells me from here on out 922 01:49:03.120 --> 01:49:13.840 the only tears that you will be crying will be from joy and not pain. Love Angel. 923 01:49:15.600 --> 01:49:16.960 --My dearest Teresa. 924 01:49:19.200 --> 01:49:25.200 Wow, you did it! You have a global platform. 925 01:49:26.240 --> 01:49:31.520 And god used your brokenness to thrust you years into your future. 926 01:49:34.000 --> 01:49:37.680 People will seek you out trying to find out how did you do this. 927 01:49:40.160 --> 01:49:44.000 I feel and see god's heart when I hear your words. 928 01:49:46.160 --> 01:49:52.960 Thank you for caring. Thank you for sharing. Your story and everything you shared will 929 01:49:52.960 --> 01:50:02.960 spring the traps of an exponential number of women who have felt trapped, they feel trapped 930 01:50:02.960 --> 01:50:07.760 waiting for god to fix someone who doesn't even want to be fixed. 931 01:50:09.440 --> 01:50:18.960 You give them hope. You are a light to a darkened path. You help them see they can trust god with 932 01:50:18.960 --> 01:50:25.760 everything they're going through. I even looked at god's faithfulness in your battle with cancer. 933 01:50:27.360 --> 01:50:35.680 You're still standing. You still got to have your beautiful children. They are yours. 934 01:50:35.680 --> 01:50:45.120 You are an amazing young lady. You are beautiful and set apart for an amazing ground-breaking ministry. 935 01:50:46.560 --> 01:50:54.320 I believe and I agree with you and your vision to be a mother to mothers . 936 01:50:55.440 --> 01:51:02.800 Finally I want to apologize to you for every wrong you were subjected to 937 01:51:03.840 --> 01:51:11.840 and had to bear and go through. I love you. Thank you for all you do. [crying] 938 01:51:18.640 --> 01:51:25.680 --To my sister Angel, the door has opened. The place of defeat 939 01:51:26.720 --> 01:51:30.160 and the you don't matters in life have been pushed to the side. 940 01:51:31.680 --> 01:51:38.800 This significant weekend has been just what you needed to move forward forward in so many areas. 941 01:51:40.320 --> 01:51:47.680 Yesterday's breakthrough was phenomenal for you. As I watched you share with us I literally could 942 01:51:47.680 --> 01:51:55.920 see the shackles being unlocked and falling off of you. I believe it shifted your essence. 943 01:51:57.040 --> 01:52:05.120 Congratulations on the start of your next chapter. I speak strength to you. I speak 944 01:52:05.120 --> 01:52:15.920 life over you and all god has for you. I speak to the little girl who missed out on mommy. 945 01:52:15.920 --> 01:52:22.000 I can relate to these feelings because my mommy was there but she also was not always present. 946 01:52:23.840 --> 01:52:31.680 Emotionally I missed her. As a woman and mother yourself, those moments you did not receive growing 947 01:52:31.680 --> 01:52:40.320 up deeply affected you though you might not have recognized or realized it. As you signed in my book 948 01:52:41.040 --> 01:52:49.360 women are amazing and resilient. How true that is. You are living proof of those very words. 949 01:52:50.400 --> 01:52:57.360 As mothers we both can lean on each other not just for accountability but laughter 950 01:52:57.360 --> 01:53:11.840 and emotional support. Congratulations on the next leg of your journey with fearless love and faith, Chelsia. 951 01:53:14.000 --> 01:53:19.876 [crying] 952 01:53:36.960 --> 01:53:39.840 --Mama Chris. 953 01:53:40.480 --> 01:53:53.840 -- [laughing] oh oh. 954 01:53:56.800 --> 01:53:57.760 --I'm coming to you... 955 01:54:01.200 --> 01:54:02.320 as a grandmother. 956 01:54:04.480 --> 01:54:11.600 I'm so sorry I didn't show your mom love and I didn't show you love. 957 01:54:18.080 --> 01:54:29.680 I give you everything, every part of me I give to you. I love you so much. I did wrong by your mom. 958 01:54:32.080 --> 01:54:42.560 I wasn't fair to her. But she didn't know my story, and you didn't get my whole story. 959 01:54:46.800 --> 01:54:49.840 When I found out I was able to speak to you about this, 960 01:54:51.280 --> 01:54:53.600 I asked the lord i'm like lord what should I do? 961 01:55:02.880 --> 01:55:04.720 Now I see you wear bold jewelry. [laughing] 962 01:55:13.360 --> 01:55:21.440 But this comes from a heart of love, my heart to your heart. You place it somewhere 963 01:55:21.440 --> 01:55:27.280 where you can see it every day and you remember, grandma loves me. You remember Chris loves you. 964 01:55:30.240 --> 01:55:34.320 I can't wait for your grand-baby to experience that same love. 965 01:55:35.280 --> 01:55:42.720 That love is so deep that you have. You have the gift of love and people need it. 966 01:55:43.440 --> 01:55:50.320 People need it. I hope you receive my love. I hope you really receive it that you 967 01:55:50.320 --> 01:56:06.209 understand it's from heaven, it's a godly thing. I love you mommy, you know it's sweetie. 968 01:56:06.209 --> 01:56:08.209 --Oh, oh [laughing] 969 01:56:19.920 --> 01:56:20.560 --Hi daughter. 970 01:56:25.360 --> 01:56:27.840 As your mother, 971 01:56:30.160 --> 01:56:31.840 i'm asking that you forgive me. 972 01:56:34.080 --> 01:56:36.640 Forgive me. You see I, 973 01:56:38.720 --> 01:56:43.280 I know that I was too busy and I know I put a lot of things 974 01:56:45.360 --> 01:56:47.760 seemed like in front of my children. 975 01:56:50.160 --> 01:56:55.840 In my mind I was just trying to make it. I was trying to survive. 976 01:56:59.200 --> 01:57:06.400 And the truth be told I think I was burying my own self from my own past as well. 977 01:57:07.760 --> 01:57:15.120 So I want you to forgive me that I didn't show you the love that you so desperately needed 978 01:57:17.040 --> 01:57:20.560 and not only just the love that you so desperately needed, the genuine, 979 01:57:21.360 --> 01:57:27.360 the genuineness of a mother that was always there for her daughter no matter what. 980 01:57:29.600 --> 01:57:35.760 And i'm so sorry and ask you to forgive me that I did not receive you for who you were. 981 01:57:37.360 --> 01:57:44.320 To who god created you to be, realizing that you were different than all my children, 982 01:57:45.280 --> 01:57:51.840 and that you was a true gift and also that you were so much like me. 983 01:57:54.480 --> 01:57:58.320 So I ask you to forgive me. I ask for you to give me another chance. 984 01:57:59.840 --> 01:58:06.480 I know I may not have arrived in so many areas but I want you to pray for me. I didn't know what 985 01:58:06.480 --> 01:58:13.360 love really was so by me not knowing, i didn't know how to give it, for real, for real I didn't know. 986 01:58:16.240 --> 01:58:23.920 So I need you maybe to show me through your children and through your grand-baby. 987 01:58:26.240 --> 01:58:30.880 Because I believe and I know that you love them and I don't want you to be like me. 988 01:58:33.200 --> 01:58:36.880 I don't want you to be like me daughter, I don't! Because you didn't deserve it! 989 01:58:39.120 --> 01:58:44.640 You didn't deserve it but I didn't know no better because I didn't know how. 990 01:58:47.360 --> 01:58:53.520 You understood, and I believe you held all that pain in for me and all the disappointments for 991 01:58:53.520 --> 01:59:01.840 me, but I don't want you to do that no longer. I want you to be free because you deserve to be free. 992 01:59:02.800 --> 01:59:04.960 So from this point on I want you to love your children. 993 01:59:06.560 --> 01:59:11.040 I want you to give them what I didn't give you. I want you to redeem the time 994 01:59:11.040 --> 01:59:16.480 allow the lord to redeem the time for you as I pray one day that you redeemed the time for me. 995 01:59:18.400 --> 01:59:25.840 I need that. I need you to be in my corner, because truth be told I feel like I have nobody in my corner. 996 01:59:28.320 --> 01:59:35.040 Nobody really understands me either . Because I do love you. I do love you. 997 01:59:37.440 --> 01:59:57.840 And I believe that yet you are my strongest child. I believe that you were my chosen child. Please forgive me. [crying] 998 02:00:01.360 --> 02:00:06.000 Wow. Dear Nikiya. Where do I begin? 999 02:00:08.400 --> 02:00:11.840 Let me start by saying wow again. 1000 02:00:14.480 --> 02:00:22.640 You exude strength power and determination. As I reflect on your story 1001 02:00:23.520 --> 02:00:28.800 I see someone who simply wanted to be loved. 1002 02:00:31.520 --> 02:00:32.080 That was me. 1003 02:00:34.800 --> 02:00:39.840 Believe in all the lies you were told just so we could be. 1004 02:00:42.880 --> 02:00:45.360 Denying the truth just to be with him. 1005 02:00:47.840 --> 02:00:50.640 Hanging up your self-esteem, your self-worth, 1006 02:00:51.680 --> 02:00:58.720 your self-love just to be past Nikiya. The care assuming the role of the five-minute wife believing 1007 02:00:59.360 --> 02:01:07.840 it was all in fun. Losing sight of you in order not to fail. The devastation of losing your child 1008 02:01:09.600 --> 02:01:17.920 while he was ignoring your calls and spending time sleeping with and impregnating other women. 1009 02:01:20.560 --> 02:01:26.720 Being in so much pain and turmoil that you intended to end your life. 1010 02:01:29.760 --> 02:01:36.480 Sister i'm so glad that you survived. I'm glad you regained the strength to love you again 1011 02:01:37.280 --> 02:01:43.440 and move away from things which didn't make you feel good and that weren't good for you 1012 02:01:45.200 --> 02:01:47.920 For every heartache you endured, i'm sorry. 1013 02:01:49.760 --> 02:01:58.160 I'm sorry that your father set you up to seek after men who were just like him. You deserve 1014 02:01:58.160 --> 02:02:08.320 to be loved valued and cared for by him. I'm sorry that you're that you ignored you for him. 1015 02:02:10.160 --> 02:02:17.840 I'm sorry that shame guilt and embarrassment pushed you to the edge. 1016 02:02:19.200 --> 02:02:23.200 When I first read your story I saw a pattern of me. 1017 02:02:25.600 --> 02:02:34.320 I can relate so much to your story all the way down to being married to an abusive pastor. 1018 02:02:36.320 --> 02:02:37.680 So with that I felt your pain. 1019 02:02:40.480 --> 02:02:52.640 After meeting you I saw a strong determined woman to get her soul back. I'm so proud of 1020 02:02:52.640 --> 02:03:01.760 you in this whole circle of wanting to be free from heartache deception and just wanting closure. 1021 02:03:05.520 --> 02:03:13.840 I believe you were set free, healed and delivered, from all the demons 1022 02:03:14.480 --> 02:03:24.240 that has haunted you from your past. Break. Broken. Brokenness. Wow, what a moment. 1023 02:03:25.840 --> 02:03:30.480 I would never forget your transparency in that moment where you were allowing 1024 02:03:30.480 --> 02:03:41.840 yourself to be broken. It was your time. It was your time. It was your time, to be set free. 1025 02:03:44.240 --> 02:03:48.560 You are bold enough to go against the grain 1026 02:03:51.680 --> 02:03:55.840 of what the world would have said that you would be damned to hell for. 1027 02:03:57.360 --> 02:04:06.080 But you did it anyway. So you set the motion for others to speak 1028 02:04:08.560 --> 02:04:11.440 against that which keeps them bound. 1029 02:04:14.640 --> 02:04:24.080 You are a phenomenal woman, full of love, that you have not totally released yet. 1030 02:04:27.360 --> 02:04:31.600 Yes I know laughing out loud we bumped heads a little bit. 1031 02:04:34.320 --> 02:04:39.200 But you are my sister that I never had. I love it. 1032 02:04:42.560 --> 02:04:59.825 I also love you for who you are. Love your fearless storytelling sister, Jennie. I love you 1033 02:05:08.240 --> 02:05:11.796 --Thank you so much. [crying] 1034 02:05:13.214 --> 02:05:18.803 --[Jennie] Thank you for the release lord, thank you Jesus. [coughing] 1035 02:05:19.186 --> 02:05:26.477 --[Tamara] Yes God! Yes! [ladies chanting] [chair crashing] 1036 02:05:33.981 --> 02:05:35.981 [ladies chanting] [speaking in tongues] 1037 02:05:48.793 --> 02:05:50.793 [ladies screaming] 1038 02:05:53.003 --> 02:05:56.006 [chair crashing] [ladies yelling] 1039 02:06:02.708 --> 02:06:16.050 [ladies yelling] --[Nikiya] Thank you! Thank you God! 1040 02:06:18.400 --> 02:06:22.480 --We have a tagline where we say take care of your soul and I always tell people when you're 1041 02:06:22.480 --> 02:06:27.600 talking about the soul it's the five areas of the soul: the mind, the will, the imagination, 1042 02:06:27.600 --> 02:06:32.880 the emotion and the intellect. Sometimes we we take care of the feeling of what happened to us 1043 02:06:32.880 --> 02:06:34.720 we don't actually care for the soul. 1044 02:06:34.720 --> 02:06:36.720 [music playing] 1045 02:06:39.280 --> 02:06:45.360 -[Tamara] Ladies we have come to our final exercise. You're going to take the words that were selected 1046 02:06:46.080 --> 02:06:51.040 and all of the events the traumas the tears that were attached to those words 1047 02:06:51.040 --> 02:06:53.440 you will now burn those in the flames. 1048 02:06:56.880 --> 02:07:04.960 --I will not be controlled. --I will no longer reject any emotions. --I will no longer be used by 1049 02:07:04.960 --> 02:07:11.840 anyone. No one will put me to shame. My new affirmation is freedom. --The shame is gone. 1050 02:07:12.720 --> 02:07:20.640 I can hold my head up high. I am no longer invalidated. I do matter. --I will no longer allow 1051 02:07:21.520 --> 02:07:28.800 the disrespect that i've experienced on many levels to make me lose respect for myself. 1052 02:07:29.600 --> 02:07:32.240 --I will no longer allow myself to be attacked 1053 02:07:33.200 --> 02:07:44.960 physically nor emotionally and I believe that the lord is my avenger. -- I am not rejected. I am loved. 1054 02:07:47.920 --> 02:07:54.240 I will not live by the opinions of others and allow their judgment to dictate the decisions 1055 02:07:54.240 --> 02:08:03.200 of my own destiny. --The only one that will be able to use me is god and no one shall ever be able to 1056 02:08:03.920 --> 02:08:10.400 cause me to be heartbroken, with this word that I have hidden in my heart, therefore that means 1057 02:08:10.400 --> 02:08:17.600 god is within me. -- Most importantly controlled by what others think about me when at the end of 1058 02:08:17.600 --> 02:08:24.480 the day it doesn't matter, it's what god says, I have been forgiven redeemed and restored. 1059 02:08:27.040 --> 02:08:32.640 --I come out of agreement with being judged. For being different. For being smart. 1060 02:08:33.520 --> 02:08:37.835 For I affirm I am uniquely and wonderfully made. 1061 02:08:42.339 --> 02:08:45.801 [ladies cheering] 1062 02:09:10.409 --> 02:09:15.414 [music playing] 1063 02:09:40.160 --> 02:09:45.223 --Hey y'all so we are back, hi! Hello everyone! Fearless Storyteller Movement. 1064 02:09:46.195 --> 02:09:55.280 Yes! Boom! Read it! Read it! --I don't know if you guys will ever understand 1065 02:09:57.440 --> 02:10:05.040 what life-changing experience this has been. --So after lumping rejected, judged, 1066 02:10:05.040 --> 02:10:13.840 invalidated, controlled, manipulated, disrespected, heartbroken, used, addicted, attacked, shame, it's a fear. 1067 02:10:14.880 --> 02:10:27.120 I took the big black rock and I tossed it as hard and as fast as I could. So i'm committed to 1068 02:10:27.120 --> 02:10:36.480 winning at all of my relationships the right way. I am a fearless storyteller. I love me. 1069 02:10:37.600 --> 02:10:46.720 The muzzle has been removed . --Okay hey guys it's Mel and yes I do have my popcorn because 1070 02:10:47.680 --> 02:10:53.920 i'm hungry and I don't like to confess things without a little snack so. 1071 02:10:55.280 --> 02:11:03.280 First confession is apparently I cannot make microwave popcorn because this is the second bag 1072 02:11:03.280 --> 02:11:10.000 that I burned hitting the popcorn button on the microwave and I just don't know 1073 02:11:10.000 --> 02:11:15.920 where I go wrong um but i'm gonna eat it anyway. I have no words of how god can take 1074 02:11:17.520 --> 02:11:27.120 a nobody and turn them into a somebody without consulting anybody and I believe that's what he's 1075 02:11:27.120 --> 02:11:38.560 done with all of us. That he put us together and he bonded us and we are sealed forever 1076 02:11:40.800 --> 02:11:47.520 and together we can make an amazing impact in this world and we are 1077 02:11:47.520 --> 02:11:50.569 all dedicated and committed to doing that. So yeah just excited. 1078 02:11:52.571 --> 02:12:05.600 🎵 keep believing, dont stop keep achieving. Walk inside your strength.🎵