1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,296 --> 00:00:07,799 (organ plays) 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,707 -Hi. 5 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:44,587 -Rachel Brosnahan! Lookin' good! 6 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:48,256 (whispering) 7 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,608 (phone vibrating) 8 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:14,909 (camera shutter clicking) 9 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:16,659 -Mommy's coming. 10 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,620 (camera shutter clicking) 11 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,915 (chuckles) 12 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,001 (camera shutter clicking) 13 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,491 -Yearly departed.... 14 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,828 We have gathered all you ladies here today 15 00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:02,331 because 2020 was a trifling ho. 16 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:05,459 And together we are going to lay this motherfucker 17 00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:07,920 of a year to rest. 18 00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,840 Because 2020 took so much from us: 19 00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:12,925 But I'm here today to also remind you 20 00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,176 that 2020 gave us so much... 21 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:16,302 -Banana bread. -Yum. 22 00:02:16,387 --> 00:02:18,514 -Insomnia. -Yep. 23 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:19,931 And a sixth sense to know when 24 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:21,558 someone is standing six feet away from you. 25 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:25,771 BT dubs, six feet equals one Sterling K. Brown. 26 00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:28,774 -Just happy to be useful, ladies. Don't mind me! 27 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:30,818 Thanks, Ster-ster. 28 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,027 What a chocolate daddy he is. 29 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:34,612 -He hot. 30 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:37,324 -While we were all unproductive slob kabobs, 31 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,911 2020 was out here doing all of the things. 32 00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:44,206 A global pandemic, mass unemployment, 33 00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:47,167 worldwide protests, wildfires, 34 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,586 murder hornets, Megxit, Brexit. 35 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:53,424 Yes, all of that happened this year. 36 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,551 This 56-month-long year. 37 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,305 And although so many were divided this year 38 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:03,266 about whose lives mattered and if wiping down groceries 39 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:05,519 was really necessary 40 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,229 and bitch, yes it was. 41 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:11,483 We did have one common enemy: 42 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,569 the iPhone Weekly Screen Time Notification. 43 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,487 I don't need to get dragged like that. 44 00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:19,574 -Thank you, let me live. -Yeah. Let her live. 45 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,743 -2020... -(organ plays) 46 00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:24,454 You were a big ol' dick. 47 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:28,250 And we are here to tell you to rest in peace 48 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,086 even though you destroyed every little ounce of ours. 49 00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:32,629 -Yes! 50 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:36,425 -So now, in the spirit of collective healing, 51 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,093 I'm turning it over to you, 52 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:42,389 to share about what you lost in 2020. 53 00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:44,599 All right, let's get this year off our chests 54 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,018 and out of our minds, huh? 55 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,144 -Yeah! -Yes. 56 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,728 -Let's do it. -Great. 57 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:52,231 First to say a few words about something dear to her: 58 00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:56,235 please welcome the iconic Tiffany Haddish. 59 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,362 (scattered applause) 60 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,788 -Thank you. Thank you. 61 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:10,876 I'm here to bid farewell 62 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,170 to casual sex. 63 00:04:14,253 --> 00:04:17,966 This is extremely hard and I apologize 64 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,512 if I have to cut my remarks short. 65 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,430 I'm still in complete shock. 66 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,807 Utterly devastated, 67 00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:29,519 and so, so horny. 68 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,230 -Mm-hmm. 69 00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:34,233 -Casual sex was my rock. 70 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:39,404 It was there for me in my darkest times: 71 00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:41,281 After heartbreak. 72 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,867 After bombing onstage. 73 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,704 After my 10-year high school reunion. 74 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,622 And I was married then. It was a casual marriage. 75 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,707 -Amen. 76 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,625 -I'll never forget that feeling 77 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:56,045 that incredible feeling of being on top of someone, 78 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,132 feeling that rush of passion, 79 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,009 staring deeply into their eyes, 80 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:03,302 and wondering what is his name. 81 00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:04,930 -Mm-hmm. 82 00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,223 -But then quarantine happened: 83 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,560 and Casual Sex was suddenly gone. 84 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,105 Just gone. 85 00:05:13,187 --> 00:05:14,689 They said it would be a couple weeks 86 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:17,108 and I was like, okay. 87 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,610 I thought to myself: this'll be good. 88 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,112 This is a chance for me to heal, 89 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:23,574 get my spirit, my soul together. 90 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:27,244 Maybe learn to do the splits so the next time 91 00:05:27,326 --> 00:05:29,413 I see some... baya, you feel me? 92 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,622 Baya! -Hell, yeah, bitch. 93 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:34,834 -Maybe in the meantime I'll join a fuckpod. 94 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,545 The only problem is once you enter a fuckpod, 95 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,841 you can't leave your fuckpod. 96 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:44,136 If you leave, you've got to get a nasal swab 97 00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,512 and two weeks of isolation 98 00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:47,973 before you can even shake hands. 99 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,271 Sorry, the word "hands"... I just... 100 00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:56,689 It's a lot for me right now. 101 00:05:56,774 --> 00:06:01,235 Cause you know hands. Big hands, small hands. 102 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,072 I like small hands on a man, 103 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,822 'cause it makes my breasts feel big. 104 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:08,326 You know what? That's not what we're here about. 105 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:13,415 If God forbid you want to leave your fuckpod for a fuckboy, 106 00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:17,168 you had to ask yourself, 107 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:21,173 are they cute enough for me to die in about three weeks? 108 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:23,509 Possibly. 109 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:26,845 And I stopped watching TV. I just stopped it. 110 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:30,098 Because at this point, all shows turn me on. 111 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,350 Planet Earth. 112 00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,143 Kingdom of Plants 3D. 113 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,771 I love that British nature man's voice. 114 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:37,980 Is there something wrong with me? 115 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,358 -No there is not. 116 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,235 -And I don't know if it's because 117 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,194 I like the way frogs fuck, 118 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:46,406 or the way a gazelle rides another gazelle. 119 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:49,576 Have you ever watched crickets do it? 120 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,954 It's amazing. -Oh, totally. 121 00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:56,290 -And that's when it him me. Casual sex is not coming back. 122 00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:59,586 At first, I was actually okay with it. 123 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,422 There's something about men wearing a mask 124 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:06,468 and staying six feet away that's such a turn on for me. 125 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,052 -Same. 126 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,512 -Girl, you know what I'm saying? 127 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,139 I think it's something about them not talking. 128 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,350 -Yep. -But that doesn't matter. 129 00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:16,019 -Going on a hike without a face mask is the new 130 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,312 fucking without a condom. 131 00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:20,106 The sad truth is 132 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:24,987 nothing can fully replace casual sex. 133 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:29,158 Without it, I'm a stranger to myself. 134 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,576 Okay? 135 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,411 I don't know who I am anymore. 136 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:35,122 I'm lost. 137 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,331 I got on Bumble, y'all. 138 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,000 I ended up meeting somebody. 139 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:42,629 He got tested, I got tested. 140 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:48,218 -I'm in a relationship now. -Tiffany... 141 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,846 -I promised myself 142 00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:53,514 that I wouldn't do that. 143 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:58,353 I just know that someday, 144 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:03,317 casual sex... 145 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,194 and I will meet again. 146 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:11,949 And this time, I won't take you for granted. 147 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:17,331 I will let you put it in my butts, 148 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:20,834 for two-and-a-half seconds. 149 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:23,629 And I will pretend to like it. 150 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,425 Until then... 151 00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:33,513 casual sex is survived by mutual masturbation over FaceTime, 152 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,100 and woke conversations. 153 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,851 Thank you so much. 154 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,770 (organ plays) 155 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,277 -Wow. That was so beautiful, Tiff. 156 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,239 Thank you for sharing your truth. 157 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,197 -Thank you. 158 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,823 -Of course. 159 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,784 And I think I speak for everyone when I say 160 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,413 I'm kind of offended that no one asked me to join their fuckpod. 161 00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,332 -I'm bouncing between three fuckpods right now. 162 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,835 -Okay, I don't think that's how that works. 163 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,544 -Oh, it works. 164 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,339 -Anyway, I think it's important to remember 165 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:10,926 that while we said goodbye to things we'll dearly miss, 166 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:14,596 this year claimed some victims we're glad as hell are gone. 167 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,639 Like buffets. 168 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:20,059 And blowing out birthday candles. 169 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:23,647 So now, to pay her respects to something long overdue, 170 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:27,067 my queen, Natasha Rothwell. 171 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,278 (organ plays, applause) 172 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:42,957 -We are gathered here today to say goodbye to TV cops. 173 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:48,504 TV cops lived in a magical, beautiful world where 174 00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:52,301 they were the ones who solved crimes. 175 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:55,177 How cute. 176 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,974 TV cops lived a simple life, they were the heroes. 177 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:01,976 And only ever occasionally broke the rules 178 00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:04,562 in the name of justice. 179 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,188 They went by many names: 180 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,985 Starsky, Hutch. Cagney, Lacey. 181 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,446 -Those little Paw Patrol assholes. 182 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:15,407 -Yeah, those motherfuckers, too. Turner, Hooch. 183 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:18,159 Sherlock. Even weird, alien, 184 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,787 sexy Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock. 185 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,788 -Benedict Cumberbatch is hot. 186 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,206 -So hot. 187 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,958 -And they came in so many different pairings. 188 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,044 Big cop, small cop. 189 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,713 Old cop, rookie cop. Good cop, bad cop. 190 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,840 Or as black folks called them, 191 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,134 bad cop, bad cop, bad cop, bad cop. 192 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,261 As we bid farewell to TV cops, 193 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:40,599 we must also bid farewell to buddy cops. 194 00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,184 If you want a cop to be your buddy, 195 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:47,438 you have to be a white teenager with a gun. 196 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,024 And they'll take you to Burger King! 197 00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:52,568 - Mmm-mm-mm. 198 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:59,408 The hard part for me is 199 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:02,828 there were TV cops that I really loved! 200 00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:06,166 You know, I'll miss rooting for McNulty 201 00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:09,293 on my 8th re-watch of The Wire. 202 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:13,130 Even when he was bad, he was endearing. 203 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:16,384 Was it his jawline? I don't know. 204 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:21,181 And I'll miss loving Carl Winslow. 205 00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:25,559 Carl Winslow! 2020, ruined Carl Winslow! 206 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,645 -Can we keep Carl Winslow? 207 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,230 -No, honey, no. 208 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:30,565 They're gone. 209 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,817 They're all gone. 210 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,320 If I'm gonna be honest, TV cops, I'm surprised 211 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,947 you survived as long as you did. 212 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:42,244 But by the grace of executive producer Dick Wolf, 213 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,828 you guys lasted longer than 214 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,455 "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 215 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,539 -Mmm. 216 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:47,915 -With that said, 217 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,626 I want to extend my deepest condolences to 218 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,294 recent theater school grads. 219 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,923 Look, I know you had you heart set on 220 00:11:56,006 --> 00:12:00,302 making your television debut as a dead sex worker, 221 00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:03,932 or a doorman, or a doorman who's also a dead sex worker, 222 00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:07,226 but today, I want to remember the good times. 223 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:11,648 TV Cops, you always knew how to make me laugh as a kid, 224 00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:15,610 and you knew how to make me laugh even harder as an adult. 225 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,113 Like when one of you said 226 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:22,033 "If you break the law, you break the law. 227 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,952 We're gonna treat everyone equally." 228 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,203 (laughing) 229 00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,967 Oh, shit, in retrospect, 230 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,928 that was the funniest shit I have ever heard 231 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,014 in my Black life. 232 00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,142 Where do they come up with that? 233 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:50,479 Oh, speaking of coming up with shit, 234 00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,980 now that TV Cops are dead, 235 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,399 network TV is going to have a void to fill. 236 00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:58,110 So I've taken the liberty of coming up with a few shows 237 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,447 with a different group of municipal workers 238 00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:04,868 that I think can take their place... 239 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,160 Mailmen. 240 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,913 I didn't stutter, mailmen. 241 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:10,664 If there's anyone that needs propaganda right now, 242 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,542 it's the U.S. Postal Service. 243 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,711 Phoebe, my posters please? 244 00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:20,926 Can I get a C, and something up-tempo. 245 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,720 Ooh, I like that. All right. 246 00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:27,014 First up in primetime: 247 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,558 "U.S.P.S. I Love You." 248 00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:33,020 Matt LeBlanc plays a post office cashier 249 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,981 with dreams of being a mail carrier. 250 00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:38,860 Mila Kunis, she's the post office manager 251 00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:41,111 who falls in love with him. 252 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,114 All this talk of priority mail, 253 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,451 but when are you going to make me a priority? 254 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,702 Yeah? -I'd be in that. 255 00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:50,371 -For real? -Yes. 256 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,039 -Okay, making deals! 257 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:55,585 Okay, not sure how the postal workers will appeal 258 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,836 to young, cool audiences? 259 00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,630 Well, buckle the fuck up: 260 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:03,592 Selena Gomez and Zendaya star in "Going Postal". 261 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:07,138 Sex, drugs, and express two-day shipping 262 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,764 in the continental U.S. 263 00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:11,643 Oh, not enough action, you say? 264 00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:13,519 I thought of that. 265 00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,355 FedExxx. 266 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:21,278 Vis Diesel, the only guns he needs are these. 267 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,238 (applause) 268 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,032 -Brava! 269 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:30,452 -You know, they say art imitates life, 270 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,121 but these shows were defunded 271 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,709 long before the actual police departments. 272 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,836 After the service, please join me in the garden 273 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:42,131 where we will be planting evidence in TV Cops' memory. 274 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,216 Thank you. 275 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:47,428 (organ plays, applause) 276 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:53,475 -Thank you, for those powerful words, Natasha. 277 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,812 And thank you to Vin Diesel for wearing the hell 278 00:14:56,895 --> 00:14:58,523 out of that mailman uniform. 279 00:14:58,606 --> 00:14:59,774 Mmm. 280 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:03,360 And now please welcome Rachie Brozz Brozz. 281 00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:07,490 (organ plays, applause) 282 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,205 -Thank you, Phoebe. 283 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:19,418 This year, we said goodbye forever to pants. 284 00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,837 Thanks to 2020, our pants have been tossed 285 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,213 in the great laundry hamper in the sky. 286 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,341 -Yes! 287 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:26,884 -When there was no longer a reason to leave the house, 288 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,511 pants lost any reason to exist. 289 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,639 The one time I put on pants this year was to prove 290 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,892 to the Postmates guy I hadn't totally lost my grip. 291 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,476 -Aw. 292 00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:39,313 -There were so many good pants: High rise, low rise, 293 00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:42,107 light wash, acid wash, 294 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:45,778 boyfriend, girlfriend, harem and assless. 295 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:49,198 But to really understand what pants meant to us, 296 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,825 we have to start from the beginning. 297 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,036 Pants were born at a time before women 298 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,745 were allowed to wear them. 299 00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:57,874 But like so many freedom fighters before them, 300 00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:01,461 pants stood up in the face of inequality and injustice 301 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,254 and broke down barriers. 302 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:07,926 Thanks to Pants we have the freedom to sit astride a horse. 303 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,010 To ride a bike without our petticoat getting caught 304 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,346 in the spokes and killing us. 305 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,307 And to lady-spread on the subway with reckless abandon. 306 00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:16,643 -That's right. 307 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,436 Pants also made it easier for us 308 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,188 to run away from predators, like men and bears. 309 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:23,066 Oh, and they had these cute little pockets 310 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,817 that were perfect for holding tiny things, 311 00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,778 like our tampons and our paychecks. 312 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:28,238 -Yeah. 313 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,282 -Alas, though pants started off as a feminist statement, 314 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,868 they somehow evolved into being so skinny 315 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,120 that they cut off the blood flow to our brains. 316 00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:38,123 It's a bad sign when the best part of wearing pants 317 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:39,915 was taking them off at the end of the day. 318 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,334 -Yes. -That's true. 319 00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:43,253 So maybe they had it coming. 320 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:47,381 And 2020 was the inspiration that we needed. 321 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,091 Because this is about liberation. 322 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,176 -Yes! 323 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,929 -Yeah, pants, a world without you looks different. 324 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,015 With the death of pants, we also lost so many other social norms: 325 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:58,809 Bras, portion control, 326 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,479 productivity, showering regularly. 327 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,315 And, of course, the concept of shame. 328 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:05,775 And to all that I say... 329 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:10,571 -fuck it. -(gasping) 330 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,156 To hell with it! 331 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,034 To hell with all of it! 332 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,828 -To hell with dying my hair. -Yes. 333 00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,663 -To hell with shaving my pits? 334 00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,499 -That's right. Let 'em grow. 335 00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,501 -To hell with returning text messages in a timely fashion! 336 00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:26,421 -Yes! Yes. 337 00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,088 -To hell with paying my taxes. 338 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,840 -Ye-- No. 339 00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:32,009 No, sorry, you absolutely have to pay your taxes. 340 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:33,845 -To hell with pants. 341 00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:35,305 -That's right. 342 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,355 Fuck pants. 343 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,357 -Yes. 344 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:51,738 -Fuck pants. 345 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,617 -Fuck pants! -Yes! 346 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,536 Yes! 347 00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,496 -Fuck pants! 348 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:03,458 -Ashes to ashes, dungarees to distressed, 349 00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,626 don't cry 'cause they're gone. 350 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:09,297 Smile, because you don't have to get dressed. 351 00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,217 -Okay. 352 00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:15,761 -Thank you. 353 00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,222 -That was good. 354 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,891 Damn. 355 00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,101 All right. 356 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:25,814 Thank you, Rachel Brosnopants. 357 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:27,147 -Boo. 358 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,192 -Oh come on, it wrote itself, I had to say it. 359 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:34,572 Listen, I support you on your pantsless journey, Brozzies. 360 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,366 But they do keep the air conditioner on in here 361 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,368 so you about to be cold. 362 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:42,997 Okay, I feel the dark spirit of 2020 lifting already. 363 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,624 -Shout out to Jesus. 364 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,750 -So to grace us with her wisdom 365 00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:51,422 is my friend Patti Harrison 366 00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,215 who's gonna lay to rest someone 367 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:56,510 very, very near to her. 368 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,013 (organ plays, applause) 369 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:10,316 -I am here today to honor the passing 370 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,193 of Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 371 00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:16,614 This is a shocking loss for their family, 372 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,450 fans, followers, and... 373 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:24,454 their branded partnerships with SmartWater. 374 00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:27,750 They were collaborating on making 375 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:28,876 a non-reusable metal drinking straw 376 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,880 for women identifying cis-women. 377 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,633 And they were going to debut it at the pop-up party 378 00:19:35,717 --> 00:19:37,844 for the relaunch of Enron. 379 00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,430 I'll be honest: Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 380 00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:45,101 I can't tell whether or not you were in fact "gone too soon." 381 00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:47,979 The number of face-app smoothing filters you used 382 00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:51,691 made your age absolutely indiscernible. 383 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:55,028 You could have left us very young, yes, 384 00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,570 but for all we know, 385 00:19:56,653 --> 00:20:00,032 you could have been well into your 90's. 386 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,410 Who's the daughter, who's the mom? 387 00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:06,330 They're both pushing vaginal rejuvenations, you know? Ha ha. 388 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:12,377 Regardless, you left behind an over-exfoliated legacy 389 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:17,925 and a pair of bone-chillingly huge sunglasses. 390 00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:20,720 But what is to blame for this tremendous loss? 391 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,556 Was it the global pandemic shutting down 392 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,558 all their favorite moisture stores? 393 00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:28,853 Was it the withdrawal from not being able to take photos 394 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:33,523 of sunbeams shining through their thigh gaps at Coachella? 395 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:35,943 Was it inserting "Kombucha-pons" 396 00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:39,905 before proper clinical trials could be conducted? 397 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:42,157 We'll never know. 398 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,911 But what is tragically certain, 399 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,579 is that there was still so much left on Earth 400 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,124 for them to not learn. 401 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,045 Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 402 00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,463 though we were shocked at your passing, 403 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,799 it should have come as no surprise, 404 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:01,928 as you've died many time before. 405 00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:08,558 You absolutely died over this jumpsuit 406 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:12,771 you described as "chic janitor vibes." 407 00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:16,233 You died over this serum. 408 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:21,114 This car your dad or husband, whatever, bought you. 409 00:21:21,196 --> 00:21:23,365 But let's not focus on death. 410 00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:26,076 Death's not what funerals are about. 411 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,873 There were so many things you accomplished in your time. 412 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:34,210 You discovered Italy, Paris, 413 00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:37,171 Up State New York, 414 00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:40,215 And you were almost always... 415 00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:43,635 -Always on a boat? -Yes, on a boat. 416 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,346 #boatlife #WomenWhoBoat 417 00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:48,724 #BoatOrDie #BoaterSuppression. 418 00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:51,602 And who could forget your deeply surface-level 419 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:55,189 love for photography, which you tried to get people to start 420 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,607 calling "Memory Remembering": 421 00:21:57,692 --> 00:22:01,237 A term you coined for you brand partnership with Fujifilm and... 422 00:22:01,319 --> 00:22:03,071 Enron. 423 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:05,575 And most powerful of all. 424 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:10,496 Rich Girl Instagram Influencer, you got involved. 425 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,624 When protests erupted across the country, 426 00:22:13,708 --> 00:22:16,836 you waited one full day 427 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,880 before posting your sponsored results 428 00:22:18,962 --> 00:22:21,465 from your belly-smoothing Skinny Diet Tea. 429 00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:22,759 -Yes. -Wow. 430 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,721 -Though you may be gone, your legacy will live on, 431 00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,973 link in bio/swipe up to shop. 432 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:33,644 You're survived by your children/siblings, 433 00:22:33,728 --> 00:22:35,896 we can't tell: 434 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:39,776 Beckett, Sailor, Poet, 435 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:45,239 Jamison Neat, and Jaxson with an X. 436 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:49,618 Now, in your honor, 437 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:52,371 we'll be following the strict mourning practices 438 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,582 of "Spiritual But Not Religious, 439 00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,585 fiscally conservative but socially liberal," 440 00:22:57,667 --> 00:23:01,463 and together we will light a candle. 441 00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:04,092 It's from the line of horse wax candles you made 442 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:08,429 in partnership with Lululemon, 443 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,721 and Hillary Clinton Hot Sauce, 444 00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:10,932 -I'm with Her. 445 00:23:11,015 --> 00:23:15,685 -And... yeah, Enron. 446 00:23:18,271 --> 00:23:21,567 It has abundance written on it, it's $190. 447 00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:22,984 -That's a good price. 448 00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:25,028 -No horse wax candles. 449 00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:34,538 Rest in peace, Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 450 00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:38,792 May we all say: Namaslay! 451 00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:40,545 ALL: Namaslay. 452 00:23:42,212 --> 00:23:43,422 -Thank you. 453 00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:46,259 (organ plays, applause) 454 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:52,013 (sobbing) 455 00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:53,974 Mmm. 456 00:23:54,057 --> 00:23:56,810 -Thank you for that moving tribute. 457 00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:59,480 I haven't been that sad about a rich white lady's demise 458 00:23:59,564 --> 00:24:01,773 since Dorinda left "The Real Housewives of New York." 459 00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:03,108 -Left? Please. 460 00:24:03,192 --> 00:24:05,111 Dorinda was fired. -Mm-hmm. 461 00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:06,695 -I heard she was hoping for a raise. 462 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:09,574 -Andy Cohen, pay Dorinda what she's worth. 463 00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:12,160 -Ladies, ladies, please, settle. Okay? 464 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:14,162 -All right. -And now please welcome 465 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:16,122 our second Natasha of the night, 466 00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:18,624 that's Nattie L., of course. 467 00:24:18,708 --> 00:24:20,917 I'm talking about Natasha Leggero. 468 00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,171 (organ plays, applause) 469 00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:35,098 (organ plays) 470 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:39,561 -Uh, sorry about that. 471 00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,355 Um, Natasha had to step out for a few. 472 00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:43,356 She's having tiny issues, 473 00:24:43,441 --> 00:24:45,942 but she'll be right here. Okay. 474 00:24:46,027 --> 00:24:47,153 (clears throat) 475 00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:52,825 -Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to be here! 476 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,576 -Daddy has Zoom trivia with his buddies, 477 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,953 and it's illegal for me to keep you in the car, 478 00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:59,664 so just sit back here with the iPad and be a good girl. 479 00:24:59,749 --> 00:25:00,708 -I'm hungry. 480 00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:02,626 -Just please, watch Peppa Pig. 481 00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:04,377 If you can do a convincing British accent 482 00:25:04,461 --> 00:25:06,005 by the time I get back, 483 00:25:06,087 --> 00:25:07,673 there'll be a bowl of chili in it for you. 484 00:25:07,757 --> 00:25:09,299 -I hate chili. 485 00:25:09,383 --> 00:25:11,801 (organ plays) 486 00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:16,973 -Hi. 487 00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:21,354 I am here today to say goodbye to Having Any More Children. 488 00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:24,648 Good-bye to the painful, messy, 489 00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:27,817 psychologically scarring event known as... 490 00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:30,238 -having sex with my husband. -Mmm! 491 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,405 -No one should be having any more kids 492 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,742 and I say this as someone who loves a gender reveal party 493 00:25:35,826 --> 00:25:38,496 and guessing what natural catastrophe it will cause. 494 00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:42,500 By about April of this year, I was ready to reach down there 495 00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:45,044 tie my own tubes, and double knot that shit. 496 00:25:45,126 --> 00:25:46,711 -Amen. -Yes. 497 00:25:46,796 --> 00:25:50,173 -To be clear, it's been great having this time with 498 00:25:50,258 --> 00:25:54,052 my daughter, Gianna... I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. 499 00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:56,806 But after being quarantined with her for eight months, 500 00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:59,808 I've been thinking of sending back my Wayfair furniture 501 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,478 with a fun surprise. 502 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,396 I love my daughter. 503 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,316 But I love her in the same way that I love LSD. 504 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,818 In microdoses. 505 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,570 But during this quarantine, I'm ashamed to say, 506 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,656 there have been times when I don't like her. 507 00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:15,950 Unless she's sleeping, 508 00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:17,535 in which case, I forget I have her. 509 00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:20,037 But I didn't sign up to be a preschool teacher. 510 00:26:20,121 --> 00:26:23,249 I didn't have a baby to teach it. 511 00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:26,751 Okay, I had a baby to get likes on Instagram 512 00:26:26,836 --> 00:26:28,378 just like everybody else. 513 00:26:28,461 --> 00:26:29,505 -What's your baby's handle? 514 00:26:29,587 --> 00:26:31,548 -Just DM me. 515 00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,509 And I'm not just a teacher. 516 00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:36,220 Now that she's home all day every day, 517 00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:38,263 I'm a personal chef, 518 00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:42,434 well, I was until I taught her how to use DoorDash. 519 00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:44,519 But I'm a camp counselor, a child psychologist, 520 00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:46,188 a gym teacher. 521 00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:49,775 And, on really rough nights, a sanitation worker. 522 00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:52,193 'Cause she shits her pants. 523 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,655 People love to point out that having a baby 524 00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:58,659 ruins your body, and don't worry, it does, 525 00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:01,578 but it's your mind that really takes the beating. 526 00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:05,040 Imagine not having to log on to the Internet to be trolled? 527 00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:07,542 She makes fun of me constantly. 528 00:27:07,625 --> 00:27:10,796 I fell like I'm living with a suspended Reddit user. 529 00:27:12,506 --> 00:27:15,509 Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like 530 00:27:15,593 --> 00:27:17,928 to go through this quarantine without a child. 531 00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:21,222 I'd do social distance happy hour with homemade sangria 532 00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:23,851 every night, I'd write two pilots, 533 00:27:23,933 --> 00:27:26,811 one comedy, one deeply affecting costume drama. 534 00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:28,897 I'd finally learn to paint. 535 00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:32,526 But no, instead, I've spent my entire quarantine 536 00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:35,653 trying to convince a 3-year-old to wear a mask. 537 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:37,615 She's like a Trump supporter. 538 00:27:37,698 --> 00:27:40,326 Always shouting, "No Mask! No Mask! 539 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,619 Dr. Fauci is a deep state operative!" 540 00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:46,289 I used to want to have more kids but now, 541 00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:48,709 the most I'd do is adopt a 14 year-old 542 00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,921 who is good at crafts and maybe some light dusting. 543 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,590 It's honestly irresponsible to have any more kids. 544 00:27:55,673 --> 00:27:56,925 I mean, what are they inheriting? 545 00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,010 A sinking planet? 546 00:27:59,095 --> 00:28:01,012 Toxic air? 547 00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:02,515 A "Fresh Prince" reboot? 548 00:28:02,597 --> 00:28:05,518 -Mommy, I'm bleeding. 549 00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:07,685 -Ugh. 550 00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,772 Always bleeding, all right. I have to go. 551 00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:13,192 (organ plays) -I'm coming. 552 00:28:14,234 --> 00:28:15,903 What is in your mouth? 553 00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:19,990 -God. 554 00:28:20,074 --> 00:28:23,618 And I glad I invested in an IUD. -Same here. 555 00:28:23,701 --> 00:28:26,288 -Anyway, I know there's someone here 556 00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:28,499 who can unite us with her brilliance, 557 00:28:28,582 --> 00:28:31,419 and that is Ziwe. 558 00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:33,837 -Woo! -(organ plays, applause) 559 00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:36,714 -Yes! 560 00:28:40,885 --> 00:28:44,682 -Today we say goodbye to the era of the beige Band-Aid. 561 00:28:44,765 --> 00:28:47,476 Beige Band-Aids were born in Highland Park, New Jersey 562 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:48,978 in 1920. 563 00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:52,690 Conceived by Earle Dickson, the Band-Aid only came in beige 564 00:28:52,772 --> 00:28:56,402 because the 1920's were famously safe for Black people 565 00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:57,653 -Ha-ha. 566 00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:58,988 -Famously. 567 00:28:59,070 --> 00:29:00,865 But this year was different. 568 00:29:00,948 --> 00:29:02,866 As protests against police violence 569 00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:04,451 erupted across the nation, 570 00:29:04,535 --> 00:29:06,578 our friends at the Band-Aid corporation, 571 00:29:06,662 --> 00:29:08,497 and so many corporations 572 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:12,625 stood up and declared with a loud, triumphant voice, 573 00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:15,628 "Fine. Here." 574 00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,173 Isn't it nice? 575 00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:19,758 We asked for equality and we got a brown Band-Aid. 576 00:29:19,842 --> 00:29:23,554 A little brown Band-Aid on a systemic bullet hole. 577 00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:25,513 -Pass the plate because this is a sermon. 578 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:26,557 -Mm-hmm. 579 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,267 -We must also pay our respects 580 00:29:28,349 --> 00:29:30,269 to all of the civilian casualties 581 00:29:30,352 --> 00:29:31,979 that the death of the Beige Band-Aid era 582 00:29:32,061 --> 00:29:35,191 took with them now that corporate racism isn't allowed: 583 00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:37,609 Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, 584 00:29:37,692 --> 00:29:39,444 Chief Wahoo, Trader Ming 585 00:29:39,528 --> 00:29:41,864 and the nameless Native American butter girl. 586 00:29:41,947 --> 00:29:45,366 Thankfully, Aunt Jemima's legacy will live on 587 00:29:45,451 --> 00:29:47,702 in an Oscar-nominated film about her life, 588 00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,163 starring an all-white cast. 589 00:29:49,246 --> 00:29:50,663 (laughs) 590 00:29:50,748 --> 00:29:53,083 -Now along with these new diverse Band-Aids 591 00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:56,336 came a tidal wave of performative bullshit 592 00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:59,507 from corporations and suddenly everyone 593 00:29:59,589 --> 00:30:02,218 was apologizing for massive blindspots 594 00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:03,969 about their unchecked racism. 595 00:30:04,053 --> 00:30:06,513 Networks purged blackface from every beloved 596 00:30:06,596 --> 00:30:08,473 sitcom from the past 15 years. 597 00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,268 There's also Washington D.C.'s newly named 598 00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:12,644 "Black Lives Matter" plaza. 599 00:30:12,728 --> 00:30:14,438 -Oh, I was stopped and frisked there. 600 00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:15,772 -Same here. 601 00:30:15,855 --> 00:30:18,025 -In the post-beige Band-Aid world, 602 00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:20,528 apologizing became the norm. 603 00:30:20,611 --> 00:30:22,028 Celebrities apologized for 604 00:30:22,112 --> 00:30:24,448 their accidental plantation weddings, 605 00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:28,117 even though plantation was right there in the name of the venue. 606 00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:29,787 -Thank you. 607 00:30:29,869 --> 00:30:32,373 -I didn't realize the era of the beige Band-Aid 608 00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,459 had died until I started getting a flurry of texts 609 00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:38,170 from my former co-workers expressing their own apologies 610 00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:40,297 for various slights. 611 00:30:40,381 --> 00:30:42,215 I truly had no idea that that many white people 612 00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:46,010 had my phone number, and that's on me. 613 00:30:46,095 --> 00:30:50,223 The era of the beige-only Band-Aid is gone, 614 00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:53,269 and all it took was a literal 100 years. 615 00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,061 -100 damn years. 616 00:30:55,144 --> 00:30:58,356 -So, thank goodness we now have a Band-Aid in the shade 617 00:30:58,440 --> 00:30:59,857 of Naomi Campbell... 618 00:30:59,942 --> 00:31:00,984 -Nice. 619 00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:02,361 -Iconic. 620 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:03,862 Thank you. 621 00:31:05,573 --> 00:31:08,866 (organ plays) 622 00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,579 -Wow. 623 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:14,414 Thank you so much, Ziwe. 624 00:31:14,498 --> 00:31:16,208 -You're welcome. 625 00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:18,210 -Okay, well, without further ado, 626 00:31:18,294 --> 00:31:21,046 it is my pleasure and my honor-- 627 00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:23,632 Oh my God, I'm getting chills just thinking about it. 628 00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:28,011 --to bring up the great, the legendary, 629 00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:30,221 Sarah Silverman. 630 00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:32,016 (organ plays, cheering) 631 00:31:41,066 --> 00:31:42,526 -Hello, friends. 632 00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:46,070 We're gathered here this evening to bid farewell 633 00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:48,574 to Making America Great Again. 634 00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,116 -Woo! 635 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,869 -You were a concept, a political agenda, 636 00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:55,663 a slogan on a hat made in China. 637 00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:59,417 So let's take a moment of silence. 638 00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:01,377 Moment over. All right, Judy. 639 00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:04,256 (music plays) 640 00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:05,465 (cheering) 641 00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:13,766 -All right, cut it, Judy. 642 00:32:13,848 --> 00:32:15,017 (music stops) 643 00:32:16,393 --> 00:32:18,186 -Farewell Lil' MAGA. 644 00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:21,230 It's high time we lay you the fuck to rest. 645 00:32:21,315 --> 00:32:23,567 (cheering) 646 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:25,818 Can you imagine what George Washington would say 647 00:32:25,903 --> 00:32:27,863 if he saw America right now? 648 00:32:27,945 --> 00:32:31,991 He'd be like, what's a toilet? Why do women have bank accounts? 649 00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:34,286 What's a car? Where are all the horses? 650 00:32:34,369 --> 00:32:36,704 Where's Martha, is she dead? What's a phone? 651 00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,749 Salad in a bag? 652 00:32:38,832 --> 00:32:42,836 This country's really changed since its inception. 653 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,590 MAGA, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you were born. 654 00:32:47,674 --> 00:32:50,426 In recent history, I'd say it started 655 00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:53,971 when a nice lady from Alaska shot moose from a helicopter. 656 00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:55,848 And people loved it. 657 00:32:55,932 --> 00:32:58,852 You started really walking when racist chodes 658 00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:03,356 accused the first black president of being from Kenya. 659 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,567 And then you moved right into that Oval Office 660 00:33:05,651 --> 00:33:08,612 when the electoral college decided they'd rather 661 00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:12,324 roll the dice on a failed casino mogul than vote for a woman. 662 00:33:13,701 --> 00:33:16,912 We never saw you coming, and by "we", 663 00:33:16,994 --> 00:33:18,705 of course I mean white liberals. 664 00:33:18,788 --> 00:33:21,375 I'm not just here to criticize you. 665 00:33:21,458 --> 00:33:23,376 I admired a lot about you. 666 00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:25,128 You were a noble goal. 667 00:33:25,211 --> 00:33:27,338 I mean who doesn't want to be great? 668 00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:30,174 You promised a wall and you made one 669 00:33:30,259 --> 00:33:32,885 out of strong metal cages with toddlers inside. 670 00:33:32,970 --> 00:33:37,891 You touted law and order and you teargassed moms in Portland. 671 00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:40,394 You wanted to make Americans richer. 672 00:33:40,477 --> 00:33:41,644 And you did that! 673 00:33:41,729 --> 00:33:43,896 As long as they were already rich. 674 00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:45,481 But I gotta be honest. 675 00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:47,942 When I close my eyes and picture "great," 676 00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:51,028 I don't see gumming up the U.S. Post Office 677 00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:53,531 to keep people from voting or 678 00:33:53,615 --> 00:33:56,410 paying less in taxes than you paid for your TOTO toilet... 679 00:33:56,492 --> 00:33:57,952 -Hell no. 680 00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:01,957 -And MAGA, I admired your commitment to diversity. 681 00:34:02,039 --> 00:34:05,794 It didn't matter whether someone was a disgraced lawyer 682 00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:08,005 or a disgraced CEO, 683 00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:10,298 or even a disgraced white nationalist, 684 00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:12,259 to make America great again, 685 00:34:12,342 --> 00:34:15,429 they all had a seat at the table. 686 00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:17,472 And you're responsible for some of 687 00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:18,849 the funniest jokes,like, 688 00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:21,351 "Mexico will pay for the border wall" 689 00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:24,938 and "The virus will disappear by April," 690 00:34:25,021 --> 00:34:27,608 and that prank you pulled on Herman Cain. 691 00:34:27,690 --> 00:34:30,818 Wow. Just wow. 692 00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:32,278 And with your passing, 693 00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:35,239 there are so many more goodbyes to say. 694 00:34:35,324 --> 00:34:39,036 Goodbye to the idea that education is indoctrination. 695 00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:40,496 -Yes! 696 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:43,206 -Goodbye to the fear that at any moment, 697 00:34:43,289 --> 00:34:45,291 the nuclear codes could wind up on Twitter. 698 00:34:45,375 --> 00:34:46,835 -Hell, yeah. 699 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:50,422 -Goodbye to the idea that your opinion is science. 700 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,048 -Yes. 701 00:34:52,132 --> 00:34:54,760 -Life will improve for so many in a post-MAGA world. 702 00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:58,137 Endangered species, democracy. 703 00:34:58,222 --> 00:35:00,306 Infrastructure. 704 00:35:00,389 --> 00:35:02,601 Black and indigenous people of color. 705 00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:05,436 LGBTQIA+ peeps. 706 00:35:05,521 --> 00:35:09,608 Jews. Whoops, guess we are gonna replace you. 707 00:35:09,690 --> 00:35:12,985 But not until we get a handle on controlling the weather. 708 00:35:13,070 --> 00:35:15,989 So to making America great again, 709 00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:20,077 we say, adios because we know how much you'll hate that. 710 00:35:20,159 --> 00:35:22,246 You know, it turns out, you can't make something 711 00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,666 great again if it wasn't great to begin with. 712 00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:28,251 When was this "again?" anyway. 713 00:35:28,335 --> 00:35:32,255 Was again when black people weren't allowed in certain towns 714 00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:34,007 after sundown? -No. 715 00:35:34,090 --> 00:35:37,177 -Was it back in 2002 when it was still illegal in Texas 716 00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:40,347 to perform and receive anal sex? 717 00:35:40,429 --> 00:35:43,266 Up until the 70s, women couldn't apply for a bank account 718 00:35:43,349 --> 00:35:44,768 without a man's permission. 719 00:35:44,851 --> 00:35:47,436 Thank you, Justice Ruthie. 720 00:35:47,521 --> 00:35:49,356 Sure, there have been great things about us: 721 00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:52,400 Of course there have been great things about us. 722 00:35:53,193 --> 00:35:55,237 Purple mountains majesty. 723 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,699 Um, Costco. 724 00:35:58,782 --> 00:36:01,827 24 hour dry cleaning. Dolly Parton. 725 00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:03,286 -She's great. 726 00:36:03,369 --> 00:36:05,329 -Gun ranges next to liquor stores. 727 00:36:05,414 --> 00:36:06,748 -That is a thing. 728 00:36:06,831 --> 00:36:09,001 -But now we've taken off the red hat, 729 00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:11,961 and it's our job to climb out from under the rubble, 730 00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:14,088 and the wreckage of what's left of our country, 731 00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:18,175 and just... just make America good. 732 00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:22,097 Because we can be good. 733 00:36:22,179 --> 00:36:26,059 Despite what the past four to 300 years have taught us, 734 00:36:26,143 --> 00:36:28,561 it's not too late. -Yes. 735 00:36:28,644 --> 00:36:30,438 -Maybe this is because I'm high, I don't know, 736 00:36:30,521 --> 00:36:33,317 but we've gotten through so much. 737 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,152 And we've gotten through it with grit and resilience 738 00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,280 and porn that's specific to our needs. 739 00:36:38,362 --> 00:36:39,780 -Hell, yes. 740 00:36:39,864 --> 00:36:42,451 -I know we have it in us to Make America Good. 741 00:36:42,534 --> 00:36:44,369 -Say it. -Preach. 742 00:36:44,452 --> 00:36:45,996 -I've seen us be good. 743 00:36:46,079 --> 00:36:48,123 How during this fucking awful year, 744 00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:50,291 we showed up for each other. 745 00:36:50,375 --> 00:36:53,085 When we marched in peaceful protest. 746 00:36:53,170 --> 00:36:55,755 When we helped our neighbors. 747 00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:58,675 When we got on our fire escapes and banged our pots and pans 748 00:36:58,759 --> 00:37:00,635 for the frontline workers 749 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:03,429 in a collective, shared primal scream. 750 00:37:03,512 --> 00:37:04,514 -Yeah! 751 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,601 -Because goodness is greatness. 752 00:37:07,684 --> 00:37:11,271 So we'll move on from the MAGA era stronger. 753 00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,023 -Yes. -And wiser. 754 00:37:13,106 --> 00:37:14,231 -Yes! 755 00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,025 -And one step closer to deleting Facebook. 756 00:37:16,108 --> 00:37:17,360 -Amen. 757 00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:20,655 -Because this is America, goddamnit. 758 00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:23,407 And are we the greatest country in the world? 759 00:37:23,492 --> 00:37:24,826 No. 760 00:37:24,909 --> 00:37:27,788 But are we the biggest? 761 00:37:27,871 --> 00:37:29,331 Also no. 762 00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:31,375 But we are the craziest, and that's not nothing. 763 00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:32,708 -Woo! 764 00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:36,672 -And so I stand before you today hopeful. 765 00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:39,507 Because when I look out at this crowd, 766 00:37:39,590 --> 00:37:42,219 I see women in this room who have made us 767 00:37:42,302 --> 00:37:45,179 feel a little bit better. 768 00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:49,184 And it reminds me, we're in this together. 769 00:37:49,266 --> 00:37:51,686 -I got your backs, I got your backs. 770 00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:53,146 I got all your backs. -Wahoo. 771 00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:55,648 -Because... 772 00:37:55,731 --> 00:37:56,983 what was I saying? 773 00:37:57,067 --> 00:38:00,362 -America? -I was? 774 00:38:00,445 --> 00:38:01,905 Oh, okay. 775 00:38:01,989 --> 00:38:04,532 Well, sayonara 2020. 776 00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:07,619 I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go. 777 00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:08,869 (cheering) 778 00:38:09,663 --> 00:38:11,873 (organ plays) 779 00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:20,923 -Well, ladies, we did it. 780 00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:22,800 -Woo. -Yes. 781 00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:25,387 -We have said goodbye to so much here today. 782 00:38:25,469 --> 00:38:30,224 But as I look around this room, I don't feel a sense of loss. 783 00:38:30,307 --> 00:38:34,061 2020 tried to break us, but today, 784 00:38:34,146 --> 00:38:36,565 some of the funniest women that I know 785 00:38:36,648 --> 00:38:39,818 got the last motherfucking word. 786 00:38:39,900 --> 00:38:41,110 -Woo! -Yes, Phoene Robinson! 787 00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,195 -Here, bitches. 788 00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:43,989 -Yeah! -Woo! 789 00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:46,240 -So in closing, thank you. 790 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:50,704 Thank you for helping us put this year to rest. 791 00:38:50,786 --> 00:38:51,829 I needed it. 792 00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:54,416 And now... 793 00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:59,420 I have prepared one final in memoriam 794 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:02,548 to take us out. Microphone? 795 00:39:02,632 --> 00:39:04,134 Thanks. 796 00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,427 I don't normally sing, so, uh... 797 00:39:06,510 --> 00:39:08,929 bear with me. 798 00:39:09,014 --> 00:39:10,974 -Um, I can sing. 799 00:39:11,057 --> 00:39:12,266 (gasping) 800 00:39:12,349 --> 00:39:14,061 -Oh, shit. 801 00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:15,853 -It's Christine Aguilera. 802 00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:17,396 -Fuck it, I'm out. 803 00:39:19,315 --> 00:39:25,322 -♪ I will remember you ♪ 804 00:39:25,405 --> 00:39:31,452 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 805 00:39:31,536 --> 00:39:35,206 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 806 00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:40,253 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 807 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:48,052 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 808 00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:54,016 ♪ I'm so tired but I can't sleep ♪ 809 00:39:54,101 --> 00:39:59,313 ♪ Standing on the edge of something much too deep ♪ 810 00:39:59,396 --> 00:40:03,400 ♪ It's funny how it feel so much ♪ 811 00:40:03,485 --> 00:40:06,570 ♪ But we cannot say a word ♪ 812 00:40:06,655 --> 00:40:09,657 ♪ We are screaming inside ♪ 813 00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:13,036 ♪ But we can't be heard ♪ 814 00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:19,208 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 815 00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:25,132 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 816 00:40:25,215 --> 00:40:28,677 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 817 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:33,722 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 818 00:40:33,806 --> 00:40:41,356 ♪ Weep not for your memories ♪ 819 00:40:41,438 --> 00:40:45,985 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 820 00:40:47,487 --> 00:40:53,952 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 821 00:40:54,034 --> 00:40:57,289 -What note can't you hit? -♪ Don't let your life ♪ 822 00:40:57,371 --> 00:41:02,460 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 823 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:09,842 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 824 00:41:09,925 --> 00:41:12,554 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 825 00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:17,641 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 826 00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:20,728 (cheering) 827 00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:24,940 ♪ Weep not for ♪ 828 00:41:25,025 --> 00:41:27,610 -Yes, child, yes. Sing it! 829 00:41:27,693 --> 00:41:33,949 -♪ The memories ♪ 830 00:41:39,581 --> 00:41:40,706 (cheering) 831 00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:50,342 -Happy New Year, see you in 2021, boos. 832 00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:53,552 -♪ Lowkey Fuck 2020 ♪ 833 00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:56,306 ♪ Still sad still ain't got no money ♪ 834 00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,807 ♪ I ain't got a watch upon my wrist ♪ 835 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,893 ♪ I just got some shit I gotta fix ♪ 836 00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:02,896 -Hi, ladies, 837 00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:04,356 you look gorgeous. 838 00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:07,067 Sorry I can't be on the floor with you. 839 00:42:07,150 --> 00:42:08,360 Where's my eyeline? 840 00:42:08,443 --> 00:42:09,402 (laughing) 841 00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,153 Eyelines to the podium. 842 00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:13,489 Feel free to look down, look around, 843 00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:18,536 like you would anyway. 844 00:42:18,619 --> 00:42:21,539 -2020 was a triflin' ho. 845 00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:23,958 -So true. 846 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:26,085 -Hold up. 847 00:42:26,168 --> 00:42:27,295 -Nobody's here. 848 00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:29,755 -They will be. In the VFX. 849 00:42:30,422 --> 00:42:31,925 -This is nice. 850 00:42:35,512 --> 00:42:37,137 (cheering) 851 00:42:37,222 --> 00:42:39,391 -♪ I'm just stating the facts, this year is just whack ♪ 852 00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,934 ♪ Emotionally I am lonely and anxious ♪ 853 00:42:42,018 --> 00:42:43,561 ♪ And mad ♪ 854 00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:45,480 -Perfect, let's get you dancing. 855 00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,733 -♪ Lowkey fuck 2020 ♪ 856 00:42:49,818 --> 00:42:51,860 -Why am I dancing? What's the intention? 857 00:42:51,945 --> 00:42:53,570 -Christina Aguilera is singing "I Will Remember". 858 00:42:53,655 --> 00:42:57,659 (laughing) 859 00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:00,161 -I can give it a try. 860 00:43:00,577 --> 00:43:03,289 My dress is like vinyl, so... 861 00:43:03,373 --> 00:43:06,083 Latex, like, making some noise. 862 00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:07,668 -Fuck pants! 863 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:08,836 Fuck pants. 864 00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:12,423 -Brown Band-Aids. End of racism. 865 00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:13,800 Brown-- woo! 866 00:43:13,882 --> 00:43:15,635 End of racism. 867 00:43:15,719 --> 00:43:17,094 (laughing) 868 00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:18,596 -Oh, shit. 869 00:43:18,679 --> 00:43:20,639 Oh, shit. Okay. 870 00:43:20,724 --> 00:43:22,766 (sighs) 871 00:43:22,851 --> 00:43:24,978 (laughing) 872 00:43:25,061 --> 00:43:26,813 I can't believe it!