WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05.296 --> 00:00:07.799 (organ plays) 3 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:39.122 --> 00:00:40.707 -Hi. 5 00:00:40.790 --> 00:00:44.587 -Rachel Brosnahan! Lookin' good! 6 00:00:45.838 --> 00:00:48.256 (whispering) 7 00:01:04.230 --> 00:01:05.608 (phone vibrating) 8 00:01:13.406 --> 00:01:14.909 (camera shutter clicking) 9 00:01:14.992 --> 00:01:16.659 -Mommy's coming. 10 00:01:16.743 --> 00:01:18.620 (camera shutter clicking) 11 00:01:19.496 --> 00:01:21.915 (chuckles) 12 00:01:23.667 --> 00:01:25.001 (camera shutter clicking) 13 00:01:54.114 --> 00:01:56.491 -Yearly departed.... 14 00:01:56.575 --> 00:01:58.828 We have gathered all you ladies here today 15 00:01:58.911 --> 00:02:02.331 because 2020 was a trifling ho. 16 00:02:02.414 --> 00:02:05.459 And together we are going to lay this motherfucker 17 00:02:05.543 --> 00:02:07.920 of a year to rest. 18 00:02:08.002 --> 00:02:10.840 Because 2020 took so much from us: 19 00:02:10.923 --> 00:02:12.925 But I'm here today to also remind you 20 00:02:13.008 --> 00:02:15.176 that 2020 gave us so much... 21 00:02:15.260 --> 00:02:16.302 -Banana bread. -Yum. 22 00:02:16.387 --> 00:02:18.514 -Insomnia. -Yep. 23 00:02:18.597 --> 00:02:19.931 And a sixth sense to know when 24 00:02:20.014 --> 00:02:21.558 someone is standing six feet away from you. 25 00:02:21.641 --> 00:02:25.771 BT dubs, six feet equals one Sterling K. Brown. 26 00:02:25.854 --> 00:02:28.774 -Just happy to be useful, ladies. Don't mind me! 27 00:02:28.858 --> 00:02:30.818 Thanks, Ster-ster. 28 00:02:30.901 --> 00:02:33.027 What a chocolate daddy he is. 29 00:02:33.111 --> 00:02:34.612 -He hot. 30 00:02:34.697 --> 00:02:37.324 -While we were all unproductive slob kabobs, 31 00:02:37.408 --> 00:02:40.911 2020 was out here doing all of the things. 32 00:02:40.995 --> 00:02:44.206 A global pandemic, mass unemployment, 33 00:02:44.289 --> 00:02:47.167 worldwide protests, wildfires, 34 00:02:47.251 --> 00:02:49.586 murder hornets, Megxit, Brexit. 35 00:02:49.670 --> 00:02:53.424 Yes, all of that happened this year. 36 00:02:53.507 --> 00:02:56.551 This 56-month-long year. 37 00:02:56.634 --> 00:02:59.305 And although so many were divided this year 38 00:02:59.388 --> 00:03:03.266 about whose lives mattered and if wiping down groceries 39 00:03:03.349 --> 00:03:05.519 was really necessary 40 00:03:05.603 --> 00:03:07.229 and bitch, yes it was. 41 00:03:07.312 --> 00:03:11.483 We did have one common enemy: 42 00:03:11.567 --> 00:03:14.569 the iPhone Weekly Screen Time Notification. 43 00:03:14.652 --> 00:03:16.487 I don't need to get dragged like that. 44 00:03:16.572 --> 00:03:19.574 -Thank you, let me live. -Yeah. Let her live. 45 00:03:19.658 --> 00:03:21.743 -2020... -(organ plays) 46 00:03:21.826 --> 00:03:24.454 You were a big ol' dick. 47 00:03:24.538 --> 00:03:28.250 And we are here to tell you to rest in peace 48 00:03:28.334 --> 00:03:31.086 even though you destroyed every little ounce of ours. 49 00:03:31.170 --> 00:03:32.629 -Yes! 50 00:03:32.712 --> 00:03:36.425 -So now, in the spirit of collective healing, 51 00:03:36.508 --> 00:03:38.093 I'm turning it over to you, 52 00:03:38.176 --> 00:03:42.389 to share about what you lost in 2020. 53 00:03:42.473 --> 00:03:44.599 All right, let's get this year off our chests 54 00:03:44.682 --> 00:03:46.018 and out of our minds, huh? 55 00:03:46.100 --> 00:03:47.144 -Yeah! -Yes. 56 00:03:47.227 --> 00:03:48.728 -Let's do it. -Great. 57 00:03:48.812 --> 00:03:52.231 First to say a few words about something dear to her: 58 00:03:52.316 --> 00:03:56.235 please welcome the iconic Tiffany Haddish. 59 00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:57.362 (scattered applause) 60 00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:06.788 -Thank you. Thank you. 61 00:04:06.872 --> 00:04:10.876 I'm here to bid farewell 62 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:14.170 to casual sex. 63 00:04:14.253 --> 00:04:17.966 This is extremely hard and I apologize 64 00:04:18.050 --> 00:04:21.512 if I have to cut my remarks short. 65 00:04:21.595 --> 00:04:23.430 I'm still in complete shock. 66 00:04:23.514 --> 00:04:25.807 Utterly devastated, 67 00:04:25.891 --> 00:04:29.519 and so, so horny. 68 00:04:29.603 --> 00:04:31.230 -Mm-hmm. 69 00:04:31.312 --> 00:04:34.233 -Casual sex was my rock. 70 00:04:34.316 --> 00:04:39.404 It was there for me in my darkest times: 71 00:04:39.487 --> 00:04:41.281 After heartbreak. 72 00:04:41.365 --> 00:04:43.867 After bombing onstage. 73 00:04:43.951 --> 00:04:46.704 After my 10-year high school reunion. 74 00:04:46.786 --> 00:04:49.622 And I was married then. It was a casual marriage. 75 00:04:49.706 --> 00:04:50.707 -Amen. 76 00:04:50.749 --> 00:04:52.625 -I'll never forget that feeling 77 00:04:52.709 --> 00:04:56.045 that incredible feeling of being on top of someone, 78 00:04:56.129 --> 00:04:58.132 feeling that rush of passion, 79 00:04:58.215 --> 00:05:00.009 staring deeply into their eyes, 80 00:05:00.091 --> 00:05:03.302 and wondering what is his name. 81 00:05:03.387 --> 00:05:04.930 -Mm-hmm. 82 00:05:05.014 --> 00:05:07.223 -But then quarantine happened: 83 00:05:07.307 --> 00:05:10.560 and Casual Sex was suddenly gone. 84 00:05:10.644 --> 00:05:13.105 Just gone. 85 00:05:13.187 --> 00:05:14.689 They said it would be a couple weeks 86 00:05:14.773 --> 00:05:17.108 and I was like, okay. 87 00:05:17.192 --> 00:05:19.610 I thought to myself: this'll be good. 88 00:05:19.694 --> 00:05:21.112 This is a chance for me to heal, 89 00:05:21.196 --> 00:05:23.574 get my spirit, my soul together. 90 00:05:23.656 --> 00:05:27.244 Maybe learn to do the splits so the next time 91 00:05:27.326 --> 00:05:29.413 I see some... baya, you feel me? 92 00:05:29.495 --> 00:05:31.622 Baya! -Hell, yeah, bitch. 93 00:05:31.706 --> 00:05:34.834 -Maybe in the meantime I'll join a fuckpod. 94 00:05:34.918 --> 00:05:37.545 The only problem is once you enter a fuckpod, 95 00:05:37.629 --> 00:05:40.841 you can't leave your fuckpod. 96 00:05:40.923 --> 00:05:44.136 If you leave, you've got to get a nasal swab 97 00:05:44.218 --> 00:05:45.512 and two weeks of isolation 98 00:05:45.596 --> 00:05:47.973 before you can even shake hands. 99 00:05:50.475 --> 00:05:54.271 Sorry, the word "hands"... I just... 100 00:05:54.353 --> 00:05:56.689 It's a lot for me right now. 101 00:05:56.774 --> 00:06:01.235 Cause you know hands. Big hands, small hands. 102 00:06:01.319 --> 00:06:03.072 I like small hands on a man, 103 00:06:03.154 --> 00:06:04.822 'cause it makes my breasts feel big. 104 00:06:04.906 --> 00:06:08.326 You know what? That's not what we're here about. 105 00:06:08.410 --> 00:06:13.415 If God forbid you want to leave your fuckpod for a fuckboy, 106 00:06:13.499 --> 00:06:17.168 you had to ask yourself, 107 00:06:17.252 --> 00:06:21.173 are they cute enough for me to die in about three weeks? 108 00:06:21.255 --> 00:06:23.509 Possibly. 109 00:06:23.591 --> 00:06:26.845 And I stopped watching TV. I just stopped it. 110 00:06:26.928 --> 00:06:30.098 Because at this point, all shows turn me on. 111 00:06:30.182 --> 00:06:31.350 Planet Earth. 112 00:06:31.432 --> 00:06:33.143 Kingdom of Plants 3D. 113 00:06:33.226 --> 00:06:36.771 I love that British nature man's voice. 114 00:06:36.855 --> 00:06:37.980 Is there something wrong with me? 115 00:06:38.064 --> 00:06:39.358 -No there is not. 116 00:06:39.441 --> 00:06:41.235 -And I don't know if it's because 117 00:06:41.317 --> 00:06:43.194 I like the way frogs fuck, 118 00:06:43.278 --> 00:06:46.406 or the way a gazelle rides another gazelle. 119 00:06:46.490 --> 00:06:49.576 Have you ever watched crickets do it? 120 00:06:49.659 --> 00:06:51.954 It's amazing. -Oh, totally. 121 00:06:52.036 --> 00:06:56.290 -And that's when it him me. Casual sex is not coming back. 122 00:06:56.375 --> 00:06:59.586 At first, I was actually okay with it. 123 00:06:59.670 --> 00:07:02.422 There's something about men wearing a mask 124 00:07:02.505 --> 00:07:06.468 and staying six feet away that's such a turn on for me. 125 00:07:06.552 --> 00:07:08.052 -Same. 126 00:07:08.137 --> 00:07:09.512 -Girl, you know what I'm saying? 127 00:07:09.596 --> 00:07:11.139 I think it's something about them not talking. 128 00:07:11.223 --> 00:07:13.350 -Yep. -But that doesn't matter. 129 00:07:13.432 --> 00:07:16.019 -Going on a hike without a face mask is the new 130 00:07:16.103 --> 00:07:18.312 fucking without a condom. 131 00:07:18.396 --> 00:07:20.106 The sad truth is 132 00:07:20.189 --> 00:07:24.987 nothing can fully replace casual sex. 133 00:07:25.069 --> 00:07:29.158 Without it, I'm a stranger to myself. 134 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:30.576 Okay? 135 00:07:30.658 --> 00:07:32.411 I don't know who I am anymore. 136 00:07:32.494 --> 00:07:35.122 I'm lost. 137 00:07:35.204 --> 00:07:37.331 I got on Bumble, y'all. 138 00:07:37.415 --> 00:07:39.000 I ended up meeting somebody. 139 00:07:39.084 --> 00:07:42.629 He got tested, I got tested. 140 00:07:42.713 --> 00:07:48.218 -I'm in a relationship now. -Tiffany... 141 00:07:48.302 --> 00:07:50.846 -I promised myself 142 00:07:50.928 --> 00:07:53.514 that I wouldn't do that. 143 00:07:53.598 --> 00:07:58.353 I just know that someday, 144 00:07:58.437 --> 00:08:03.317 casual sex... 145 00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:06.194 and I will meet again. 146 00:08:06.278 --> 00:08:11.949 And this time, I won't take you for granted. 147 00:08:12.033 --> 00:08:17.331 I will let you put it in my butts, 148 00:08:17.413 --> 00:08:20.834 for two-and-a-half seconds. 149 00:08:20.918 --> 00:08:23.629 And I will pretend to like it. 150 00:08:26.173 --> 00:08:28.425 Until then... 151 00:08:28.507 --> 00:08:33.513 casual sex is survived by mutual masturbation over FaceTime, 152 00:08:34.556 --> 00:08:37.100 and woke conversations. 153 00:08:37.183 --> 00:08:38.851 Thank you so much. 154 00:08:39.352 --> 00:08:40.770 (organ plays) 155 00:08:44.524 --> 00:08:47.277 -Wow. That was so beautiful, Tiff. 156 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:50.239 Thank you for sharing your truth. 157 00:08:50.322 --> 00:08:51.197 -Thank you. 158 00:08:51.280 --> 00:08:52.823 -Of course. 159 00:08:52.908 --> 00:08:54.784 And I think I speak for everyone when I say 160 00:08:54.868 --> 00:08:58.413 I'm kind of offended that no one asked me to join their fuckpod. 161 00:08:58.496 --> 00:09:01.332 -I'm bouncing between three fuckpods right now. 162 00:09:01.416 --> 00:09:03.835 -Okay, I don't think that's how that works. 163 00:09:03.918 --> 00:09:05.544 -Oh, it works. 164 00:09:05.629 --> 00:09:07.339 -Anyway, I think it's important to remember 165 00:09:07.422 --> 00:09:10.926 that while we said goodbye to things we'll dearly miss, 166 00:09:11.009 --> 00:09:14.596 this year claimed some victims we're glad as hell are gone. 167 00:09:14.679 --> 00:09:16.639 Like buffets. 168 00:09:16.722 --> 00:09:20.059 And blowing out birthday candles. 169 00:09:20.143 --> 00:09:23.647 So now, to pay her respects to something long overdue, 170 00:09:23.730 --> 00:09:27.067 my queen, Natasha Rothwell. 171 00:09:27.400 --> 00:09:30.278 (organ plays, applause) 172 00:09:38.287 --> 00:09:42.957 -We are gathered here today to say goodbye to TV cops. 173 00:09:43.040 --> 00:09:48.504 TV cops lived in a magical, beautiful world where 174 00:09:48.587 --> 00:09:52.301 they were the ones who solved crimes. 175 00:09:52.384 --> 00:09:55.177 How cute. 176 00:09:55.261 --> 00:09:58.974 TV cops lived a simple life, they were the heroes. 177 00:09:59.057 --> 00:10:01.976 And only ever occasionally broke the rules 178 00:10:02.059 --> 00:10:04.562 in the name of justice. 179 00:10:04.645 --> 00:10:06.188 They went by many names: 180 00:10:06.273 --> 00:10:09.985 Starsky, Hutch. Cagney, Lacey. 181 00:10:10.067 --> 00:10:12.446 -Those little Paw Patrol assholes. 182 00:10:12.528 --> 00:10:15.407 -Yeah, those motherfuckers, too. Turner, Hooch. 183 00:10:15.490 --> 00:10:18.159 Sherlock. Even weird, alien, 184 00:10:18.243 --> 00:10:20.787 sexy Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock. 185 00:10:20.870 --> 00:10:22.788 -Benedict Cumberbatch is hot. 186 00:10:22.873 --> 00:10:24.206 -So hot. 187 00:10:24.291 --> 00:10:25.958 -And they came in so many different pairings. 188 00:10:26.043 --> 00:10:28.044 Big cop, small cop. 189 00:10:28.128 --> 00:10:30.713 Old cop, rookie cop. Good cop, bad cop. 190 00:10:30.797 --> 00:10:31.840 Or as black folks called them, 191 00:10:31.923 --> 00:10:34.134 bad cop, bad cop, bad cop, bad cop. 192 00:10:35.009 --> 00:10:37.261 As we bid farewell to TV cops, 193 00:10:37.346 --> 00:10:40.599 we must also bid farewell to buddy cops. 194 00:10:40.682 --> 00:10:43.184 If you want a cop to be your buddy, 195 00:10:43.268 --> 00:10:47.438 you have to be a white teenager with a gun. 196 00:10:47.522 --> 00:10:49.024 And they'll take you to Burger King! 197 00:10:50.107 --> 00:10:52.568 - Mmm-mm-mm. 198 00:10:54.571 --> 00:10:59.408 The hard part for me is 199 00:10:59.493 --> 00:11:02.828 there were TV cops that I really loved! 200 00:11:02.913 --> 00:11:06.166 You know, I'll miss rooting for McNulty 201 00:11:06.249 --> 00:11:09.293 on my 8th re-watch of The Wire. 202 00:11:09.378 --> 00:11:13.130 Even when he was bad, he was endearing. 203 00:11:13.215 --> 00:11:16.384 Was it his jawline? I don't know. 204 00:11:16.467 --> 00:11:21.181 And I'll miss loving Carl Winslow. 205 00:11:21.264 --> 00:11:25.559 Carl Winslow! 2020, ruined Carl Winslow! 206 00:11:25.644 --> 00:11:27.645 -Can we keep Carl Winslow? 207 00:11:27.729 --> 00:11:29.230 -No, honey, no. 208 00:11:29.313 --> 00:11:30.565 They're gone. 209 00:11:30.649 --> 00:11:32.817 They're all gone. 210 00:11:32.900 --> 00:11:35.320 If I'm gonna be honest, TV cops, I'm surprised 211 00:11:35.403 --> 00:11:37.947 you survived as long as you did. 212 00:11:38.030 --> 00:11:42.244 But by the grace of executive producer Dick Wolf, 213 00:11:42.326 --> 00:11:43.828 you guys lasted longer than 214 00:11:43.912 --> 00:11:45.455 "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." 215 00:11:45.538 --> 00:11:46.539 -Mmm. 216 00:11:46.623 --> 00:11:47.915 -With that said, 217 00:11:47.999 --> 00:11:50.626 I want to extend my deepest condolences to 218 00:11:50.710 --> 00:11:52.294 recent theater school grads. 219 00:11:52.379 --> 00:11:55.923 Look, I know you had you heart set on 220 00:11:56.006 --> 00:12:00.302 making your television debut as a dead sex worker, 221 00:12:00.386 --> 00:12:03.932 or a doorman, or a doorman who's also a dead sex worker, 222 00:12:04.014 --> 00:12:07.226 but today, I want to remember the good times. 223 00:12:07.309 --> 00:12:11.648 TV Cops, you always knew how to make me laugh as a kid, 224 00:12:11.730 --> 00:12:15.610 and you knew how to make me laugh even harder as an adult. 225 00:12:15.693 --> 00:12:18.113 Like when one of you said 226 00:12:18.196 --> 00:12:22.033 "If you break the law, you break the law. 227 00:12:22.116 --> 00:12:24.952 We're gonna treat everyone equally." 228 00:12:25.036 --> 00:12:26.203 (laughing) 229 00:12:37.631 --> 00:12:39.967 Oh, shit, in retrospect, 230 00:12:40.051 --> 00:12:42.928 that was the funniest shit I have ever heard 231 00:12:43.013 --> 00:12:45.014 in my Black life. 232 00:12:45.097 --> 00:12:47.142 Where do they come up with that? 233 00:12:47.225 --> 00:12:50.479 Oh, speaking of coming up with shit, 234 00:12:50.562 --> 00:12:52.980 now that TV Cops are dead, 235 00:12:53.063 --> 00:12:55.399 network TV is going to have a void to fill. 236 00:12:55.484 --> 00:12:58.110 So I've taken the liberty of coming up with a few shows 237 00:12:58.195 --> 00:13:01.447 with a different group of municipal workers 238 00:13:01.530 --> 00:13:04.868 that I think can take their place... 239 00:13:04.951 --> 00:13:06.160 Mailmen. 240 00:13:06.244 --> 00:13:07.913 I didn't stutter, mailmen. 241 00:13:07.995 --> 00:13:10.664 If there's anyone that needs propaganda right now, 242 00:13:10.749 --> 00:13:12.542 it's the U.S. Postal Service. 243 00:13:12.625 --> 00:13:15.711 Phoebe, my posters please? 244 00:13:15.794 --> 00:13:20.926 Can I get a C, and something up-tempo. 245 00:13:21.009 --> 00:13:23.720 Ooh, I like that. All right. 246 00:13:23.802 --> 00:13:27.014 First up in primetime: 247 00:13:27.097 --> 00:13:29.558 "U.S.P.S. I Love You." 248 00:13:29.643 --> 00:13:33.020 Matt LeBlanc plays a post office cashier 249 00:13:33.104 --> 00:13:35.981 with dreams of being a mail carrier. 250 00:13:36.066 --> 00:13:38.860 Mila Kunis, she's the post office manager 251 00:13:38.943 --> 00:13:41.111 who falls in love with him. 252 00:13:41.196 --> 00:13:43.114 All this talk of priority mail, 253 00:13:43.197 --> 00:13:46.451 but when are you going to make me a priority? 254 00:13:46.534 --> 00:13:48.702 Yeah? -I'd be in that. 255 00:13:48.787 --> 00:13:50.371 -For real? -Yes. 256 00:13:50.455 --> 00:13:52.039 -Okay, making deals! 257 00:13:52.123 --> 00:13:55.585 Okay, not sure how the postal workers will appeal 258 00:13:55.668 --> 00:13:57.836 to young, cool audiences? 259 00:13:57.921 --> 00:13:59.630 Well, buckle the fuck up: 260 00:13:59.713 --> 00:14:03.592 Selena Gomez and Zendaya star in "Going Postal". 261 00:14:03.677 --> 00:14:07.138 Sex, drugs, and express two-day shipping 262 00:14:07.221 --> 00:14:08.764 in the continental U.S. 263 00:14:08.847 --> 00:14:11.643 Oh, not enough action, you say? 264 00:14:11.725 --> 00:14:13.519 I thought of that. 265 00:14:13.602 --> 00:14:15.355 FedExxx. 266 00:14:15.437 --> 00:14:21.278 Vis Diesel, the only guns he needs are these. 267 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:23.238 (applause) 268 00:14:23.321 --> 00:14:26.032 -Brava! 269 00:14:26.115 --> 00:14:30.452 -You know, they say art imitates life, 270 00:14:30.537 --> 00:14:32.121 but these shows were defunded 271 00:14:32.205 --> 00:14:35.709 long before the actual police departments. 272 00:14:35.792 --> 00:14:37.836 After the service, please join me in the garden 273 00:14:37.918 --> 00:14:42.131 where we will be planting evidence in TV Cops' memory. 274 00:14:42.215 --> 00:14:43.216 Thank you. 275 00:14:43.299 --> 00:14:47.428 (organ plays, applause) 276 00:14:50.347 --> 00:14:53.475 -Thank you, for those powerful words, Natasha. 277 00:14:53.559 --> 00:14:56.812 And thank you to Vin Diesel for wearing the hell 278 00:14:56.895 --> 00:14:58.523 out of that mailman uniform. 279 00:14:58.606 --> 00:14:59.774 Mmm. 280 00:14:59.857 --> 00:15:03.360 And now please welcome Rachie Brozz Brozz. 281 00:15:04.195 --> 00:15:07.490 (organ plays, applause) 282 00:15:11.577 --> 00:15:14.205 -Thank you, Phoebe. 283 00:15:14.288 --> 00:15:19.418 This year, we said goodbye forever to pants. 284 00:15:19.501 --> 00:15:21.837 Thanks to 2020, our pants have been tossed 285 00:15:21.921 --> 00:15:23.213 in the great laundry hamper in the sky. 286 00:15:23.298 --> 00:15:25.341 -Yes! 287 00:15:25.424 --> 00:15:26.884 -When there was no longer a reason to leave the house, 288 00:15:26.967 --> 00:15:29.511 pants lost any reason to exist. 289 00:15:29.596 --> 00:15:31.639 The one time I put on pants this year was to prove 290 00:15:31.722 --> 00:15:33.892 to the Postmates guy I hadn't totally lost my grip. 291 00:15:33.975 --> 00:15:35.476 -Aw. 292 00:15:35.559 --> 00:15:39.313 -There were so many good pants: High rise, low rise, 293 00:15:39.397 --> 00:15:42.107 light wash, acid wash, 294 00:15:42.192 --> 00:15:45.778 boyfriend, girlfriend, harem and assless. 295 00:15:45.861 --> 00:15:49.198 But to really understand what pants meant to us, 296 00:15:49.282 --> 00:15:50.825 we have to start from the beginning. 297 00:15:50.908 --> 00:15:53.036 Pants were born at a time before women 298 00:15:53.119 --> 00:15:54.745 were allowed to wear them. 299 00:15:54.828 --> 00:15:57.874 But like so many freedom fighters before them, 300 00:15:57.956 --> 00:16:01.461 pants stood up in the face of inequality and injustice 301 00:16:01.543 --> 00:16:03.254 and broke down barriers. 302 00:16:03.337 --> 00:16:07.926 Thanks to Pants we have the freedom to sit astride a horse. 303 00:16:08.009 --> 00:16:10.010 To ride a bike without our petticoat getting caught 304 00:16:10.095 --> 00:16:12.346 in the spokes and killing us. 305 00:16:12.429 --> 00:16:15.307 And to lady-spread on the subway with reckless abandon. 306 00:16:15.392 --> 00:16:16.643 -That's right. 307 00:16:16.725 --> 00:16:18.436 Pants also made it easier for us 308 00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:21.188 to run away from predators, like men and bears. 309 00:16:21.272 --> 00:16:23.066 Oh, and they had these cute little pockets 310 00:16:23.149 --> 00:16:24.817 that were perfect for holding tiny things, 311 00:16:24.900 --> 00:16:26.778 like our tampons and our paychecks. 312 00:16:26.860 --> 00:16:28.238 -Yeah. 313 00:16:28.321 --> 00:16:31.282 -Alas, though pants started off as a feminist statement, 314 00:16:31.365 --> 00:16:33.868 they somehow evolved into being so skinny 315 00:16:33.951 --> 00:16:36.120 that they cut off the blood flow to our brains. 316 00:16:36.203 --> 00:16:38.123 It's a bad sign when the best part of wearing pants 317 00:16:38.206 --> 00:16:39.915 was taking them off at the end of the day. 318 00:16:39.999 --> 00:16:41.334 -Yes. -That's true. 319 00:16:41.418 --> 00:16:43.253 So maybe they had it coming. 320 00:16:43.336 --> 00:16:47.381 And 2020 was the inspiration that we needed. 321 00:16:47.465 --> 00:16:49.091 Because this is about liberation. 322 00:16:49.174 --> 00:16:50.176 -Yes! 323 00:16:50.259 --> 00:16:53.929 -Yeah, pants, a world without you looks different. 324 00:16:54.013 --> 00:16:57.015 With the death of pants, we also lost so many other social norms: 325 00:16:57.100 --> 00:16:58.809 Bras, portion control, 326 00:16:58.893 --> 00:17:01.479 productivity, showering regularly. 327 00:17:01.562 --> 00:17:04.315 And, of course, the concept of shame. 328 00:17:04.398 --> 00:17:05.775 And to all that I say... 329 00:17:08.111 --> 00:17:10.571 -fuck it. -(gasping) 330 00:17:10.654 --> 00:17:12.156 To hell with it! 331 00:17:12.240 --> 00:17:15.034 To hell with all of it! 332 00:17:15.117 --> 00:17:17.828 -To hell with dying my hair. -Yes. 333 00:17:17.912 --> 00:17:19.663 -To hell with shaving my pits? 334 00:17:19.748 --> 00:17:21.499 -That's right. Let 'em grow. 335 00:17:21.583 --> 00:17:24.501 -To hell with returning text messages in a timely fashion! 336 00:17:24.586 --> 00:17:26.421 -Yes! Yes. 337 00:17:26.503 --> 00:17:28.088 -To hell with paying my taxes. 338 00:17:28.173 --> 00:17:29.840 -Ye-- No. 339 00:17:29.923 --> 00:17:32.009 No, sorry, you absolutely have to pay your taxes. 340 00:17:32.093 --> 00:17:33.845 -To hell with pants. 341 00:17:33.927 --> 00:17:35.305 -That's right. 342 00:17:42.979 --> 00:17:44.355 Fuck pants. 343 00:17:46.148 --> 00:17:47.357 -Yes. 344 00:17:50.569 --> 00:17:51.738 -Fuck pants. 345 00:17:55.074 --> 00:17:56.617 -Fuck pants! -Yes! 346 00:17:56.701 --> 00:17:58.536 Yes! 347 00:17:58.619 --> 00:17:59.496 -Fuck pants! 348 00:17:59.578 --> 00:18:03.458 -Ashes to ashes, dungarees to distressed, 349 00:18:03.540 --> 00:18:05.626 don't cry 'cause they're gone. 350 00:18:05.710 --> 00:18:09.297 Smile, because you don't have to get dressed. 351 00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:12.217 -Okay. 352 00:18:14.676 --> 00:18:15.761 -Thank you. 353 00:18:15.845 --> 00:18:18.222 -That was good. 354 00:18:18.306 --> 00:18:19.891 Damn. 355 00:18:19.973 --> 00:18:22.101 All right. 356 00:18:22.184 --> 00:18:25.814 Thank you, Rachel Brosnopants. 357 00:18:25.896 --> 00:18:27.147 -Boo. 358 00:18:27.231 --> 00:18:30.192 -Oh come on, it wrote itself, I had to say it. 359 00:18:30.276 --> 00:18:34.572 Listen, I support you on your pantsless journey, Brozzies. 360 00:18:34.655 --> 00:18:37.366 But they do keep the air conditioner on in here 361 00:18:37.450 --> 00:18:39.368 so you about to be cold. 362 00:18:39.451 --> 00:18:42.997 Okay, I feel the dark spirit of 2020 lifting already. 363 00:18:43.080 --> 00:18:44.624 -Shout out to Jesus. 364 00:18:44.707 --> 00:18:46.750 -So to grace us with her wisdom 365 00:18:46.835 --> 00:18:51.422 is my friend Patti Harrison 366 00:18:51.506 --> 00:18:53.215 who's gonna lay to rest someone 367 00:18:53.298 --> 00:18:56.510 very, very near to her. 368 00:18:56.760 --> 00:19:00.013 (organ plays, applause) 369 00:19:06.729 --> 00:19:10.316 -I am here today to honor the passing 370 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:13.193 of Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 371 00:19:13.278 --> 00:19:16.614 This is a shocking loss for their family, 372 00:19:16.698 --> 00:19:19.450 fans, followers, and... 373 00:19:21.326 --> 00:19:24.454 their branded partnerships with SmartWater. 374 00:19:26.249 --> 00:19:27.750 They were collaborating on making 375 00:19:27.834 --> 00:19:28.876 a non-reusable metal drinking straw 376 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:31.880 for women identifying cis-women. 377 00:19:31.962 --> 00:19:35.633 And they were going to debut it at the pop-up party 378 00:19:35.717 --> 00:19:37.844 for the relaunch of Enron. 379 00:19:37.926 --> 00:19:40.430 I'll be honest: Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 380 00:19:40.512 --> 00:19:45.101 I can't tell whether or not you were in fact "gone too soon." 381 00:19:45.183 --> 00:19:47.979 The number of face-app smoothing filters you used 382 00:19:48.061 --> 00:19:51.691 made your age absolutely indiscernible. 383 00:19:51.773 --> 00:19:55.028 You could have left us very young, yes, 384 00:19:55.111 --> 00:19:56.570 but for all we know, 385 00:19:56.653 --> 00:20:00.032 you could have been well into your 90's. 386 00:20:00.115 --> 00:20:02.410 Who's the daughter, who's the mom? 387 00:20:02.492 --> 00:20:06.330 They're both pushing vaginal rejuvenations, you know? Ha ha. 388 00:20:06.413 --> 00:20:12.377 Regardless, you left behind an over-exfoliated legacy 389 00:20:12.461 --> 00:20:17.925 and a pair of bone-chillingly huge sunglasses. 390 00:20:18.009 --> 00:20:20.720 But what is to blame for this tremendous loss? 391 00:20:20.803 --> 00:20:23.556 Was it the global pandemic shutting down 392 00:20:23.640 --> 00:20:26.558 all their favorite moisture stores? 393 00:20:26.643 --> 00:20:28.853 Was it the withdrawal from not being able to take photos 394 00:20:28.936 --> 00:20:33.523 of sunbeams shining through their thigh gaps at Coachella? 395 00:20:33.607 --> 00:20:35.943 Was it inserting "Kombucha-pons" 396 00:20:36.027 --> 00:20:39.905 before proper clinical trials could be conducted? 397 00:20:39.989 --> 00:20:42.157 We'll never know. 398 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:44.911 But what is tragically certain, 399 00:20:44.993 --> 00:20:47.579 is that there was still so much left on Earth 400 00:20:47.663 --> 00:20:50.124 for them to not learn. 401 00:20:51.667 --> 00:20:54.045 Rich Girl Instagram Influencers, 402 00:20:54.127 --> 00:20:56.463 though we were shocked at your passing, 403 00:20:56.547 --> 00:20:58.799 it should have come as no surprise, 404 00:20:58.883 --> 00:21:01.928 as you've died many time before. 405 00:21:05.807 --> 00:21:08.558 You absolutely died over this jumpsuit 406 00:21:08.643 --> 00:21:12.771 you described as "chic janitor vibes." 407 00:21:12.855 --> 00:21:16.233 You died over this serum. 408 00:21:16.317 --> 00:21:21.114 This car your dad or husband, whatever, bought you. 409 00:21:21.196 --> 00:21:23.365 But let's not focus on death. 410 00:21:23.449 --> 00:21:26.076 Death's not what funerals are about. 411 00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:30.873 There were so many things you accomplished in your time. 412 00:21:30.957 --> 00:21:34.210 You discovered Italy, Paris, 413 00:21:34.292 --> 00:21:37.171 Up State New York, 414 00:21:37.255 --> 00:21:40.215 And you were almost always... 415 00:21:40.298 --> 00:21:43.635 -Always on a boat? -Yes, on a boat. 416 00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:45.346 #boatlife #WomenWhoBoat 417 00:21:45.430 --> 00:21:48.724 #BoatOrDie #BoaterSuppression. 418 00:21:48.807 --> 00:21:51.602 And who could forget your deeply surface-level 419 00:21:51.685 --> 00:21:55.189 love for photography, which you tried to get people to start 420 00:21:55.272 --> 00:21:57.607 calling "Memory Remembering": 421 00:21:57.692 --> 00:22:01.237 A term you coined for you brand partnership with Fujifilm and... 422 00:22:01.319 --> 00:22:03.071 Enron. 423 00:22:03.155 --> 00:22:05.575 And most powerful of all. 424 00:22:05.657 --> 00:22:10.496 Rich Girl Instagram Influencer, you got involved. 425 00:22:10.579 --> 00:22:13.624 When protests erupted across the country, 426 00:22:13.708 --> 00:22:16.836 you waited one full day 427 00:22:16.919 --> 00:22:18.880 before posting your sponsored results 428 00:22:18.962 --> 00:22:21.465 from your belly-smoothing Skinny Diet Tea. 429 00:22:21.548 --> 00:22:22.759 -Yes. -Wow. 430 00:22:22.842 --> 00:22:27.721 -Though you may be gone, your legacy will live on, 431 00:22:27.805 --> 00:22:29.973 link in bio/swipe up to shop. 432 00:22:30.057 --> 00:22:33.644 You're survived by your children/siblings, 433 00:22:33.728 --> 00:22:35.896 we can't tell: 434 00:22:35.980 --> 00:22:39.776 Beckett, Sailor, Poet, 435 00:22:39.858 --> 00:22:45.239 Jamison Neat, and Jaxson with an X. 436 00:22:45.323 --> 00:22:49.618 Now, in your honor, 437 00:22:49.701 --> 00:22:52.371 we'll be following the strict mourning practices 438 00:22:52.454 --> 00:22:54.582 of "Spiritual But Not Religious, 439 00:22:54.664 --> 00:22:57.585 fiscally conservative but socially liberal," 440 00:22:57.667 --> 00:23:01.463 and together we will light a candle. 441 00:23:01.547 --> 00:23:04.092 It's from the line of horse wax candles you made 442 00:23:04.174 --> 00:23:08.429 in partnership with Lululemon, 443 00:23:08.512 --> 00:23:09.721 and Hillary Clinton Hot Sauce, 444 00:23:09.806 --> 00:23:10.932 -I'm with Her. 445 00:23:11.015 --> 00:23:15.685 -And... yeah, Enron. 446 00:23:18.271 --> 00:23:21.567 It has abundance written on it, it's $190. 447 00:23:21.651 --> 00:23:22.984 -That's a good price. 448 00:23:23.068 --> 00:23:25.028 -No horse wax candles. 449 00:23:31.243 --> 00:23:34.538 Rest in peace, Rich Girl Instagram Influencers. 450 00:23:34.622 --> 00:23:38.792 May we all say: Namaslay! 451 00:23:38.875 --> 00:23:40.545 ALL: Namaslay. 452 00:23:42.212 --> 00:23:43.422 -Thank you. 453 00:23:43.881 --> 00:23:46.259 (organ plays, applause) 454 00:23:49.846 --> 00:23:52.013 (sobbing) 455 00:23:52.347 --> 00:23:53.974 Mmm. 456 00:23:54.057 --> 00:23:56.810 -Thank you for that moving tribute. 457 00:23:56.894 --> 00:23:59.480 I haven't been that sad about a rich white lady's demise 458 00:23:59.564 --> 00:24:01.773 since Dorinda left "The Real Housewives of New York." 459 00:24:01.857 --> 00:24:03.108 -Left? Please. 460 00:24:03.192 --> 00:24:05.111 Dorinda was fired. -Mm-hmm. 461 00:24:05.193 --> 00:24:06.695 -I heard she was hoping for a raise. 462 00:24:06.778 --> 00:24:09.574 -Andy Cohen, pay Dorinda what she's worth. 463 00:24:09.656 --> 00:24:12.160 -Ladies, ladies, please, settle. Okay? 464 00:24:12.242 --> 00:24:14.162 -All right. -And now please welcome 465 00:24:14.244 --> 00:24:16.122 our second Natasha of the night, 466 00:24:16.204 --> 00:24:18.624 that's Nattie L., of course. 467 00:24:18.708 --> 00:24:20.917 I'm talking about Natasha Leggero. 468 00:24:21.001 --> 00:24:23.171 (organ plays, applause) 469 00:24:32.846 --> 00:24:35.098 (organ plays) 470 00:24:37.184 --> 00:24:39.561 -Uh, sorry about that. 471 00:24:39.644 --> 00:24:41.355 Um, Natasha had to step out for a few. 472 00:24:41.439 --> 00:24:43.356 She's having tiny issues, 473 00:24:43.441 --> 00:24:45.942 but she'll be right here. Okay. 474 00:24:46.027 --> 00:24:47.153 (clears throat) 475 00:24:48.487 --> 00:24:52.825 -Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to be here! 476 00:24:52.909 --> 00:24:54.576 -Daddy has Zoom trivia with his buddies, 477 00:24:54.660 --> 00:24:56.953 and it's illegal for me to keep you in the car, 478 00:24:57.038 --> 00:24:59.664 so just sit back here with the iPad and be a good girl. 479 00:24:59.749 --> 00:25:00.708 -I'm hungry. 480 00:25:00.790 --> 00:25:02.626 -Just please, watch Peppa Pig. 481 00:25:02.710 --> 00:25:04.377 If you can do a convincing British accent 482 00:25:04.461 --> 00:25:06.005 by the time I get back, 483 00:25:06.087 --> 00:25:07.673 there'll be a bowl of chili in it for you. 484 00:25:07.757 --> 00:25:09.299 -I hate chili. 485 00:25:09.383 --> 00:25:11.801 (organ plays) 486 00:25:14.512 --> 00:25:16.973 -Hi. 487 00:25:17.057 --> 00:25:21.354 I am here today to say goodbye to Having Any More Children. 488 00:25:21.436 --> 00:25:24.648 Good-bye to the painful, messy, 489 00:25:24.731 --> 00:25:27.817 psychologically scarring event known as... 490 00:25:27.902 --> 00:25:30.238 -having sex with my husband. -Mmm! 491 00:25:30.320 --> 00:25:32.405 -No one should be having any more kids 492 00:25:32.490 --> 00:25:35.742 and I say this as someone who loves a gender reveal party 493 00:25:35.826 --> 00:25:38.496 and guessing what natural catastrophe it will cause. 494 00:25:38.578 --> 00:25:42.500 By about April of this year, I was ready to reach down there 495 00:25:42.583 --> 00:25:45.044 tie my own tubes, and double knot that shit. 496 00:25:45.126 --> 00:25:46.711 -Amen. -Yes. 497 00:25:46.796 --> 00:25:50.173 -To be clear, it's been great having this time with 498 00:25:50.258 --> 00:25:54.052 my daughter, Gianna... I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. 499 00:25:54.135 --> 00:25:56.806 But after being quarantined with her for eight months, 500 00:25:56.888 --> 00:25:59.808 I've been thinking of sending back my Wayfair furniture 501 00:25:59.892 --> 00:26:02.478 with a fun surprise. 502 00:26:02.560 --> 00:26:04.396 I love my daughter. 503 00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:07.316 But I love her in the same way that I love LSD. 504 00:26:07.400 --> 00:26:09.818 In microdoses. 505 00:26:09.902 --> 00:26:12.570 But during this quarantine, I'm ashamed to say, 506 00:26:12.654 --> 00:26:14.656 there have been times when I don't like her. 507 00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:15.950 Unless she's sleeping, 508 00:26:16.032 --> 00:26:17.535 in which case, I forget I have her. 509 00:26:17.617 --> 00:26:20.037 But I didn't sign up to be a preschool teacher. 510 00:26:20.121 --> 00:26:23.249 I didn't have a baby to teach it. 511 00:26:23.332 --> 00:26:26.751 Okay, I had a baby to get likes on Instagram 512 00:26:26.836 --> 00:26:28.378 just like everybody else. 513 00:26:28.461 --> 00:26:29.505 -What's your baby's handle? 514 00:26:29.587 --> 00:26:31.548 -Just DM me. 515 00:26:31.632 --> 00:26:33.509 And I'm not just a teacher. 516 00:26:33.592 --> 00:26:36.220 Now that she's home all day every day, 517 00:26:36.304 --> 00:26:38.263 I'm a personal chef, 518 00:26:38.346 --> 00:26:42.434 well, I was until I taught her how to use DoorDash. 519 00:26:42.518 --> 00:26:44.519 But I'm a camp counselor, a child psychologist, 520 00:26:44.603 --> 00:26:46.188 a gym teacher. 521 00:26:46.271 --> 00:26:49.775 And, on really rough nights, a sanitation worker. 522 00:26:49.858 --> 00:26:52.193 'Cause she shits her pants. 523 00:26:53.612 --> 00:26:55.655 People love to point out that having a baby 524 00:26:55.740 --> 00:26:58.659 ruins your body, and don't worry, it does, 525 00:26:58.742 --> 00:27:01.578 but it's your mind that really takes the beating. 526 00:27:01.662 --> 00:27:05.040 Imagine not having to log on to the Internet to be trolled? 527 00:27:05.124 --> 00:27:07.542 She makes fun of me constantly. 528 00:27:07.625 --> 00:27:10.796 I fell like I'm living with a suspended Reddit user. 529 00:27:12.506 --> 00:27:15.509 Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like 530 00:27:15.593 --> 00:27:17.928 to go through this quarantine without a child. 531 00:27:18.011 --> 00:27:21.222 I'd do social distance happy hour with homemade sangria 532 00:27:21.307 --> 00:27:23.851 every night, I'd write two pilots, 533 00:27:23.933 --> 00:27:26.811 one comedy, one deeply affecting costume drama. 534 00:27:26.895 --> 00:27:28.897 I'd finally learn to paint. 535 00:27:28.980 --> 00:27:32.526 But no, instead, I've spent my entire quarantine 536 00:27:32.609 --> 00:27:35.653 trying to convince a 3-year-old to wear a mask. 537 00:27:35.738 --> 00:27:37.615 She's like a Trump supporter. 538 00:27:37.698 --> 00:27:40.326 Always shouting, "No Mask! No Mask! 539 00:27:40.409 --> 00:27:42.619 Dr. Fauci is a deep state operative!" 540 00:27:43.996 --> 00:27:46.289 I used to want to have more kids but now, 541 00:27:46.374 --> 00:27:48.709 the most I'd do is adopt a 14 year-old 542 00:27:48.792 --> 00:27:51.921 who is good at crafts and maybe some light dusting. 543 00:27:52.003 --> 00:27:55.590 It's honestly irresponsible to have any more kids. 544 00:27:55.673 --> 00:27:56.925 I mean, what are they inheriting? 545 00:27:57.009 --> 00:27:59.010 A sinking planet? 546 00:27:59.095 --> 00:28:01.012 Toxic air? 547 00:28:01.096 --> 00:28:02.515 A "Fresh Prince" reboot? 548 00:28:02.597 --> 00:28:05.518 -Mommy, I'm bleeding. 549 00:28:05.601 --> 00:28:07.685 -Ugh. 550 00:28:07.769 --> 00:28:10.772 Always bleeding, all right. I have to go. 551 00:28:10.855 --> 00:28:13.192 (organ plays) -I'm coming. 552 00:28:14.234 --> 00:28:15.903 What is in your mouth? 553 00:28:18.279 --> 00:28:19.990 -God. 554 00:28:20.074 --> 00:28:23.618 And I glad I invested in an IUD. -Same here. 555 00:28:23.701 --> 00:28:26.288 -Anyway, I know there's someone here 556 00:28:26.372 --> 00:28:28.499 who can unite us with her brilliance, 557 00:28:28.582 --> 00:28:31.419 and that is Ziwe. 558 00:28:31.501 --> 00:28:33.837 -Woo! -(organ plays, applause) 559 00:28:35.297 --> 00:28:36.714 -Yes! 560 00:28:40.885 --> 00:28:44.682 -Today we say goodbye to the era of the beige Band-Aid. 561 00:28:44.765 --> 00:28:47.476 Beige Band-Aids were born in Highland Park, New Jersey 562 00:28:47.559 --> 00:28:48.978 in 1920. 563 00:28:49.060 --> 00:28:52.690 Conceived by Earle Dickson, the Band-Aid only came in beige 564 00:28:52.772 --> 00:28:56.402 because the 1920's were famously safe for Black people 565 00:28:56.484 --> 00:28:57.653 -Ha-ha. 566 00:28:57.736 --> 00:28:58.988 -Famously. 567 00:28:59.070 --> 00:29:00.865 But this year was different. 568 00:29:00.948 --> 00:29:02.866 As protests against police violence 569 00:29:02.950 --> 00:29:04.451 erupted across the nation, 570 00:29:04.535 --> 00:29:06.578 our friends at the Band-Aid corporation, 571 00:29:06.662 --> 00:29:08.497 and so many corporations 572 00:29:08.580 --> 00:29:12.625 stood up and declared with a loud, triumphant voice, 573 00:29:12.710 --> 00:29:15.628 "Fine. Here." 574 00:29:15.712 --> 00:29:17.173 Isn't it nice? 575 00:29:17.256 --> 00:29:19.758 We asked for equality and we got a brown Band-Aid. 576 00:29:19.842 --> 00:29:23.554 A little brown Band-Aid on a systemic bullet hole. 577 00:29:23.636 --> 00:29:25.513 -Pass the plate because this is a sermon. 578 00:29:25.597 --> 00:29:26.557 -Mm-hmm. 579 00:29:26.640 --> 00:29:28.267 -We must also pay our respects 580 00:29:28.349 --> 00:29:30.269 to all of the civilian casualties 581 00:29:30.352 --> 00:29:31.979 that the death of the Beige Band-Aid era 582 00:29:32.061 --> 00:29:35.191 took with them now that corporate racism isn't allowed: 583 00:29:35.273 --> 00:29:37.609 Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, 584 00:29:37.692 --> 00:29:39.444 Chief Wahoo, Trader Ming 585 00:29:39.528 --> 00:29:41.864 and the nameless Native American butter girl. 586 00:29:41.947 --> 00:29:45.366 Thankfully, Aunt Jemima's legacy will live on 587 00:29:45.451 --> 00:29:47.702 in an Oscar-nominated film about her life, 588 00:29:47.786 --> 00:29:49.163 starring an all-white cast. 589 00:29:49.246 --> 00:29:50.663 (laughs) 590 00:29:50.748 --> 00:29:53.083 -Now along with these new diverse Band-Aids 591 00:29:53.166 --> 00:29:56.336 came a tidal wave of performative bullshit 592 00:29:56.420 --> 00:29:59.507 from corporations and suddenly everyone 593 00:29:59.589 --> 00:30:02.218 was apologizing for massive blindspots 594 00:30:02.300 --> 00:30:03.969 about their unchecked racism. 595 00:30:04.053 --> 00:30:06.513 Networks purged blackface from every beloved 596 00:30:06.596 --> 00:30:08.473 sitcom from the past 15 years. 597 00:30:08.557 --> 00:30:11.268 There's also Washington D.C.'s newly named 598 00:30:11.352 --> 00:30:12.644 "Black Lives Matter" plaza. 599 00:30:12.728 --> 00:30:14.438 -Oh, I was stopped and frisked there. 600 00:30:14.521 --> 00:30:15.772 -Same here. 601 00:30:15.855 --> 00:30:18.025 -In the post-beige Band-Aid world, 602 00:30:18.107 --> 00:30:20.528 apologizing became the norm. 603 00:30:20.611 --> 00:30:22.028 Celebrities apologized for 604 00:30:22.112 --> 00:30:24.448 their accidental plantation weddings, 605 00:30:24.531 --> 00:30:28.117 even though plantation was right there in the name of the venue. 606 00:30:28.201 --> 00:30:29.787 -Thank you. 607 00:30:29.869 --> 00:30:32.373 -I didn't realize the era of the beige Band-Aid 608 00:30:32.455 --> 00:30:35.459 had died until I started getting a flurry of texts 609 00:30:35.542 --> 00:30:38.170 from my former co-workers expressing their own apologies 610 00:30:38.253 --> 00:30:40.297 for various slights. 611 00:30:40.381 --> 00:30:42.215 I truly had no idea that that many white people 612 00:30:42.298 --> 00:30:46.010 had my phone number, and that's on me. 613 00:30:46.095 --> 00:30:50.223 The era of the beige-only Band-Aid is gone, 614 00:30:50.307 --> 00:30:53.269 and all it took was a literal 100 years. 615 00:30:53.352 --> 00:30:55.061 -100 damn years. 616 00:30:55.144 --> 00:30:58.356 -So, thank goodness we now have a Band-Aid in the shade 617 00:30:58.440 --> 00:30:59.857 of Naomi Campbell... 618 00:30:59.942 --> 00:31:00.984 -Nice. 619 00:31:01.067 --> 00:31:02.361 -Iconic. 620 00:31:02.443 --> 00:31:03.862 Thank you. 621 00:31:05.573 --> 00:31:08.866 (organ plays) 622 00:31:11.077 --> 00:31:12.579 -Wow. 623 00:31:12.663 --> 00:31:14.414 Thank you so much, Ziwe. 624 00:31:14.498 --> 00:31:16.208 -You're welcome. 625 00:31:16.291 --> 00:31:18.210 -Okay, well, without further ado, 626 00:31:18.294 --> 00:31:21.046 it is my pleasure and my honor-- 627 00:31:21.130 --> 00:31:23.632 Oh my God, I'm getting chills just thinking about it. 628 00:31:23.715 --> 00:31:28.011 --to bring up the great, the legendary, 629 00:31:28.095 --> 00:31:30.221 Sarah Silverman. 630 00:31:30.306 --> 00:31:32.016 (organ plays, cheering) 631 00:31:41.066 --> 00:31:42.526 -Hello, friends. 632 00:31:42.609 --> 00:31:46.070 We're gathered here this evening to bid farewell 633 00:31:46.154 --> 00:31:48.574 to Making America Great Again. 634 00:31:48.656 --> 00:31:50.116 -Woo! 635 00:31:50.200 --> 00:31:52.869 -You were a concept, a political agenda, 636 00:31:52.952 --> 00:31:55.663 a slogan on a hat made in China. 637 00:31:55.748 --> 00:31:59.417 So let's take a moment of silence. 638 00:31:59.500 --> 00:32:01.377 Moment over. All right, Judy. 639 00:32:01.461 --> 00:32:04.256 (music plays) 640 00:32:04.339 --> 00:32:05.465 (cheering) 641 00:32:11.971 --> 00:32:13.766 -All right, cut it, Judy. 642 00:32:13.848 --> 00:32:15.017 (music stops) 643 00:32:16.393 --> 00:32:18.186 -Farewell Lil' MAGA. 644 00:32:18.269 --> 00:32:21.230 It's high time we lay you the fuck to rest. 645 00:32:21.315 --> 00:32:23.567 (cheering) 646 00:32:23.651 --> 00:32:25.818 Can you imagine what George Washington would say 647 00:32:25.903 --> 00:32:27.863 if he saw America right now? 648 00:32:27.945 --> 00:32:31.991 He'd be like, what's a toilet? Why do women have bank accounts? 649 00:32:32.076 --> 00:32:34.286 What's a car? Where are all the horses? 650 00:32:34.369 --> 00:32:36.704 Where's Martha, is she dead? What's a phone? 651 00:32:36.788 --> 00:32:38.749 Salad in a bag? 652 00:32:38.832 --> 00:32:42.836 This country's really changed since its inception. 653 00:32:42.920 --> 00:32:47.590 MAGA, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when you were born. 654 00:32:47.674 --> 00:32:50.426 In recent history, I'd say it started 655 00:32:50.510 --> 00:32:53.971 when a nice lady from Alaska shot moose from a helicopter. 656 00:32:54.056 --> 00:32:55.848 And people loved it. 657 00:32:55.932 --> 00:32:58.852 You started really walking when racist chodes 658 00:32:58.935 --> 00:33:03.356 accused the first black president of being from Kenya. 659 00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:05.567 And then you moved right into that Oval Office 660 00:33:05.651 --> 00:33:08.612 when the electoral college decided they'd rather 661 00:33:08.695 --> 00:33:12.324 roll the dice on a failed casino mogul than vote for a woman. 662 00:33:13.701 --> 00:33:16.912 We never saw you coming, and by "we", 663 00:33:16.994 --> 00:33:18.705 of course I mean white liberals. 664 00:33:18.788 --> 00:33:21.375 I'm not just here to criticize you. 665 00:33:21.458 --> 00:33:23.376 I admired a lot about you. 666 00:33:23.460 --> 00:33:25.128 You were a noble goal. 667 00:33:25.211 --> 00:33:27.338 I mean who doesn't want to be great? 668 00:33:27.423 --> 00:33:30.174 You promised a wall and you made one 669 00:33:30.259 --> 00:33:32.885 out of strong metal cages with toddlers inside. 670 00:33:32.970 --> 00:33:37.891 You touted law and order and you teargassed moms in Portland. 671 00:33:37.974 --> 00:33:40.394 You wanted to make Americans richer. 672 00:33:40.477 --> 00:33:41.644 And you did that! 673 00:33:41.729 --> 00:33:43.896 As long as they were already rich. 674 00:33:43.980 --> 00:33:45.481 But I gotta be honest. 675 00:33:45.566 --> 00:33:47.942 When I close my eyes and picture "great," 676 00:33:48.026 --> 00:33:51.028 I don't see gumming up the U.S. Post Office 677 00:33:51.113 --> 00:33:53.531 to keep people from voting or 678 00:33:53.615 --> 00:33:56.410 paying less in taxes than you paid for your TOTO toilet... 679 00:33:56.492 --> 00:33:57.952 -Hell no. 680 00:33:58.036 --> 00:34:01.957 -And MAGA, I admired your commitment to diversity. 681 00:34:02.039 --> 00:34:05.794 It didn't matter whether someone was a disgraced lawyer 682 00:34:05.877 --> 00:34:08.005 or a disgraced CEO, 683 00:34:08.088 --> 00:34:10.298 or even a disgraced white nationalist, 684 00:34:10.382 --> 00:34:12.259 to make America great again, 685 00:34:12.342 --> 00:34:15.429 they all had a seat at the table. 686 00:34:15.512 --> 00:34:17.472 And you're responsible for some of 687 00:34:17.556 --> 00:34:18.849 the funniest jokes,like, 688 00:34:18.931 --> 00:34:21.351 "Mexico will pay for the border wall" 689 00:34:21.434 --> 00:34:24.938 and "The virus will disappear by April," 690 00:34:25.021 --> 00:34:27.608 and that prank you pulled on Herman Cain. 691 00:34:27.690 --> 00:34:30.818 Wow. Just wow. 692 00:34:30.902 --> 00:34:32.278 And with your passing, 693 00:34:32.362 --> 00:34:35.239 there are so many more goodbyes to say. 694 00:34:35.324 --> 00:34:39.036 Goodbye to the idea that education is indoctrination. 695 00:34:39.119 --> 00:34:40.496 -Yes! 696 00:34:40.579 --> 00:34:43.206 -Goodbye to the fear that at any moment, 697 00:34:43.289 --> 00:34:45.291 the nuclear codes could wind up on Twitter. 698 00:34:45.375 --> 00:34:46.835 -Hell, yeah. 699 00:34:46.918 --> 00:34:50.422 -Goodbye to the idea that your opinion is science. 700 00:34:50.505 --> 00:34:52.048 -Yes. 701 00:34:52.132 --> 00:34:54.760 -Life will improve for so many in a post-MAGA world. 702 00:34:54.842 --> 00:34:58.137 Endangered species, democracy. 703 00:34:58.222 --> 00:35:00.306 Infrastructure. 704 00:35:00.389 --> 00:35:02.601 Black and indigenous people of color. 705 00:35:02.684 --> 00:35:05.436 LGBTQIA+ peeps. 706 00:35:05.521 --> 00:35:09.608 Jews. Whoops, guess we are gonna replace you. 707 00:35:09.690 --> 00:35:12.985 But not until we get a handle on controlling the weather. 708 00:35:13.070 --> 00:35:15.989 So to making America great again, 709 00:35:16.072 --> 00:35:20.077 we say, adios because we know how much you'll hate that. 710 00:35:20.159 --> 00:35:22.246 You know, it turns out, you can't make something 711 00:35:22.329 --> 00:35:25.666 great again if it wasn't great to begin with. 712 00:35:25.748 --> 00:35:28.251 When was this "again?" anyway. 713 00:35:28.335 --> 00:35:32.255 Was again when black people weren't allowed in certain towns 714 00:35:32.338 --> 00:35:34.007 after sundown? -No. 715 00:35:34.090 --> 00:35:37.177 -Was it back in 2002 when it was still illegal in Texas 716 00:35:37.260 --> 00:35:40.347 to perform and receive anal sex? 717 00:35:40.429 --> 00:35:43.266 Up until the 70s, women couldn't apply for a bank account 718 00:35:43.349 --> 00:35:44.768 without a man's permission. 719 00:35:44.851 --> 00:35:47.436 Thank you, Justice Ruthie. 720 00:35:47.521 --> 00:35:49.356 Sure, there have been great things about us: 721 00:35:49.438 --> 00:35:52.400 Of course there have been great things about us. 722 00:35:53.193 --> 00:35:55.237 Purple mountains majesty. 723 00:35:55.320 --> 00:35:58.699 Um, Costco. 724 00:35:58.782 --> 00:36:01.827 24 hour dry cleaning. Dolly Parton. 725 00:36:01.909 --> 00:36:03.286 -She's great. 726 00:36:03.369 --> 00:36:05.329 -Gun ranges next to liquor stores. 727 00:36:05.414 --> 00:36:06.748 -That is a thing. 728 00:36:06.831 --> 00:36:09.001 -But now we've taken off the red hat, 729 00:36:09.083 --> 00:36:11.961 and it's our job to climb out from under the rubble, 730 00:36:12.045 --> 00:36:14.088 and the wreckage of what's left of our country, 731 00:36:14.172 --> 00:36:18.175 and just... just make America good. 732 00:36:18.260 --> 00:36:22.097 Because we can be good. 733 00:36:22.179 --> 00:36:26.059 Despite what the past four to 300 years have taught us, 734 00:36:26.143 --> 00:36:28.561 it's not too late. -Yes. 735 00:36:28.644 --> 00:36:30.438 -Maybe this is because I'm high, I don't know, 736 00:36:30.521 --> 00:36:33.317 but we've gotten through so much. 737 00:36:33.400 --> 00:36:36.152 And we've gotten through it with grit and resilience 738 00:36:36.235 --> 00:36:38.280 and porn that's specific to our needs. 739 00:36:38.362 --> 00:36:39.780 -Hell, yes. 740 00:36:39.864 --> 00:36:42.451 -I know we have it in us to Make America Good. 741 00:36:42.534 --> 00:36:44.369 -Say it. -Preach. 742 00:36:44.452 --> 00:36:45.996 -I've seen us be good. 743 00:36:46.079 --> 00:36:48.123 How during this fucking awful year, 744 00:36:48.206 --> 00:36:50.291 we showed up for each other. 745 00:36:50.375 --> 00:36:53.085 When we marched in peaceful protest. 746 00:36:53.170 --> 00:36:55.755 When we helped our neighbors. 747 00:36:55.838 --> 00:36:58.675 When we got on our fire escapes and banged our pots and pans 748 00:36:58.759 --> 00:37:00.635 for the frontline workers 749 00:37:00.719 --> 00:37:03.429 in a collective, shared primal scream. 750 00:37:03.512 --> 00:37:04.514 -Yeah! 751 00:37:04.597 --> 00:37:07.601 -Because goodness is greatness. 752 00:37:07.684 --> 00:37:11.271 So we'll move on from the MAGA era stronger. 753 00:37:11.355 --> 00:37:13.023 -Yes. -And wiser. 754 00:37:13.106 --> 00:37:14.231 -Yes! 755 00:37:14.315 --> 00:37:16.025 -And one step closer to deleting Facebook. 756 00:37:16.108 --> 00:37:17.360 -Amen. 757 00:37:17.443 --> 00:37:20.655 -Because this is America, goddamnit. 758 00:37:20.739 --> 00:37:23.407 And are we the greatest country in the world? 759 00:37:23.492 --> 00:37:24.826 No. 760 00:37:24.909 --> 00:37:27.788 But are we the biggest? 761 00:37:27.871 --> 00:37:29.331 Also no. 762 00:37:29.414 --> 00:37:31.375 But we are the craziest, and that's not nothing. 763 00:37:31.458 --> 00:37:32.708 -Woo! 764 00:37:32.793 --> 00:37:36.672 -And so I stand before you today hopeful. 765 00:37:36.755 --> 00:37:39.507 Because when I look out at this crowd, 766 00:37:39.590 --> 00:37:42.219 I see women in this room who have made us 767 00:37:42.302 --> 00:37:45.179 feel a little bit better. 768 00:37:45.262 --> 00:37:49.184 And it reminds me, we're in this together. 769 00:37:49.266 --> 00:37:51.686 -I got your backs, I got your backs. 770 00:37:51.769 --> 00:37:53.146 I got all your backs. -Wahoo. 771 00:37:53.230 --> 00:37:55.648 -Because... 772 00:37:55.731 --> 00:37:56.983 what was I saying? 773 00:37:57.067 --> 00:38:00.362 -America? -I was? 774 00:38:00.445 --> 00:38:01.905 Oh, okay. 775 00:38:01.989 --> 00:38:04.532 Well, sayonara 2020. 776 00:38:04.615 --> 00:38:07.619 I hate to see you leave but I love to watch you go. 777 00:38:07.702 --> 00:38:08.869 (cheering) 778 00:38:09.663 --> 00:38:11.873 (organ plays) 779 00:38:17.795 --> 00:38:20.923 -Well, ladies, we did it. 780 00:38:21.007 --> 00:38:22.800 -Woo. -Yes. 781 00:38:22.884 --> 00:38:25.387 -We have said goodbye to so much here today. 782 00:38:25.469 --> 00:38:30.224 But as I look around this room, I don't feel a sense of loss. 783 00:38:30.307 --> 00:38:34.061 2020 tried to break us, but today, 784 00:38:34.146 --> 00:38:36.565 some of the funniest women that I know 785 00:38:36.648 --> 00:38:39.818 got the last motherfucking word. 786 00:38:39.900 --> 00:38:41.110 -Woo! -Yes, Phoene Robinson! 787 00:38:41.193 --> 00:38:42.195 -Here, bitches. 788 00:38:42.278 --> 00:38:43.989 -Yeah! -Woo! 789 00:38:44.072 --> 00:38:46.240 -So in closing, thank you. 790 00:38:46.324 --> 00:38:50.704 Thank you for helping us put this year to rest. 791 00:38:50.786 --> 00:38:51.829 I needed it. 792 00:38:51.913 --> 00:38:54.416 And now... 793 00:38:54.498 --> 00:38:59.420 I have prepared one final in memoriam 794 00:38:59.503 --> 00:39:02.548 to take us out. Microphone? 795 00:39:02.632 --> 00:39:04.134 Thanks. 796 00:39:04.217 --> 00:39:06.427 I don't normally sing, so, uh... 797 00:39:06.510 --> 00:39:08.929 bear with me. 798 00:39:09.014 --> 00:39:10.974 -Um, I can sing. 799 00:39:11.057 --> 00:39:12.266 (gasping) 800 00:39:12.349 --> 00:39:14.061 -Oh, shit. 801 00:39:14.143 --> 00:39:15.853 -It's Christine Aguilera. 802 00:39:15.936 --> 00:39:17.396 -Fuck it, I'm out. 803 00:39:19.315 --> 00:39:25.322 -♪ I will remember you ♪ 804 00:39:25.405 --> 00:39:31.452 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 805 00:39:31.536 --> 00:39:35.206 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 806 00:39:35.289 --> 00:39:40.253 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 807 00:39:40.336 --> 00:39:48.052 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 808 00:39:48.135 --> 00:39:54.016 ♪ I'm so tired but I can't sleep ♪ 809 00:39:54.101 --> 00:39:59.313 ♪ Standing on the edge of something much too deep ♪ 810 00:39:59.396 --> 00:40:03.400 ♪ It's funny how it feel so much ♪ 811 00:40:03.485 --> 00:40:06.570 ♪ But we cannot say a word ♪ 812 00:40:06.655 --> 00:40:09.657 ♪ We are screaming inside ♪ 813 00:40:09.740 --> 00:40:13.036 ♪ But we can't be heard ♪ 814 00:40:13.119 --> 00:40:19.208 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 815 00:40:19.291 --> 00:40:25.132 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 816 00:40:25.215 --> 00:40:28.677 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 817 00:40:28.760 --> 00:40:33.722 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 818 00:40:33.806 --> 00:40:41.356 ♪ Weep not for your memories ♪ 819 00:40:41.438 --> 00:40:45.985 ♪ I will remember you ♪ 820 00:40:47.487 --> 00:40:53.952 ♪ Will you remember me ♪ 821 00:40:54.034 --> 00:40:57.289 -What note can't you hit? -♪ Don't let your life ♪ 822 00:40:57.371 --> 00:41:02.460 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 823 00:41:02.543 --> 00:41:09.842 ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪ 824 00:41:09.925 --> 00:41:12.554 ♪ Don't let your life ♪ 825 00:41:12.637 --> 00:41:17.641 ♪ Pass you by ♪ 826 00:41:17.726 --> 00:41:20.728 (cheering) 827 00:41:20.811 --> 00:41:24.940 ♪ Weep not for ♪ 828 00:41:25.025 --> 00:41:27.610 -Yes, child, yes. Sing it! 829 00:41:27.693 --> 00:41:33.949 -♪ The memories ♪ 830 00:41:39.581 --> 00:41:40.706 (cheering) 831 00:41:46.213 --> 00:41:50.342 -Happy New Year, see you in 2021, boos. 832 00:41:50.425 --> 00:41:53.552 -♪ Lowkey Fuck 2020 ♪ 833 00:41:53.637 --> 00:41:56.306 ♪ Still sad still ain't got no money ♪ 834 00:41:56.389 --> 00:41:58.807 ♪ I ain't got a watch upon my wrist ♪ 835 00:41:58.891 --> 00:42:00.893 ♪ I just got some shit I gotta fix ♪ 836 00:42:01.518 --> 00:42:02.896 -Hi, ladies, 837 00:42:02.978 --> 00:42:04.356 you look gorgeous. 838 00:42:04.438 --> 00:42:07.067 Sorry I can't be on the floor with you. 839 00:42:07.150 --> 00:42:08.360 Where's my eyeline? 840 00:42:08.443 --> 00:42:09.402 (laughing) 841 00:42:09.485 --> 00:42:11.153 Eyelines to the podium. 842 00:42:11.237 --> 00:42:13.489 Feel free to look down, look around, 843 00:42:13.572 --> 00:42:18.536 like you would anyway. 844 00:42:18.619 --> 00:42:21.539 -2020 was a triflin' ho. 845 00:42:21.623 --> 00:42:23.958 -So true. 846 00:42:24.041 --> 00:42:26.085 -Hold up. 847 00:42:26.168 --> 00:42:27.295 -Nobody's here. 848 00:42:27.378 --> 00:42:29.755 -They will be. In the VFX. 849 00:42:30.422 --> 00:42:31.925 -This is nice. 850 00:42:35.512 --> 00:42:37.137 (cheering) 851 00:42:37.222 --> 00:42:39.391 -♪ I'm just stating the facts, this year is just whack ♪ 852 00:42:39.474 --> 00:42:41.934 ♪ Emotionally I am lonely and anxious ♪ 853 00:42:42.018 --> 00:42:43.561 ♪ And mad ♪ 854 00:42:43.644 --> 00:42:45.480 -Perfect, let's get you dancing. 855 00:42:47.023 --> 00:42:49.733 -♪ Lowkey fuck 2020 ♪ 856 00:42:49.818 --> 00:42:51.860 -Why am I dancing? What's the intention? 857 00:42:51.945 --> 00:42:53.570 -Christina Aguilera is singing "I Will Remember". 858 00:42:53.655 --> 00:42:57.659 (laughing) 859 00:42:58.659 --> 00:43:00.161 -I can give it a try. 860 00:43:00.577 --> 00:43:03.289 My dress is like vinyl, so... 861 00:43:03.373 --> 00:43:06.083 Latex, like, making some noise. 862 00:43:06.166 --> 00:43:07.668 -Fuck pants! 863 00:43:07.751 --> 00:43:08.836 Fuck pants. 864 00:43:08.920 --> 00:43:12.423 -Brown Band-Aids. End of racism. 865 00:43:12.507 --> 00:43:13.800 Brown-- woo! 866 00:43:13.882 --> 00:43:15.635 End of racism. 867 00:43:15.719 --> 00:43:17.094 (laughing) 868 00:43:17.177 --> 00:43:18.596 -Oh, shit. 869 00:43:18.679 --> 00:43:20.639 Oh, shit. Okay. 870 00:43:20.724 --> 00:43:22.766 (sighs) 871 00:43:22.851 --> 00:43:24.978 (laughing) 872 00:43:25.061 --> 00:43:26.813 I can't believe it!