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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(gentle music)

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(somber music)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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You know, but I always
try to do things my way.

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I tried to do it without God's help.

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I thought I could do it on my own,

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but it seems like every time
I took one step forward,

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I would trip and end up
taking two steps back.

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But I was still determined that I was

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gon' to do this thing my way.

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You see, because I wanted
my part of this thing

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that they call the American dream.

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You know what I'm talking about?

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I'm talking about the
cars, the clothes,

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the house, or the bling and
everything that went with it.

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And I was gonna do it.

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And I was gonna scratch my way up,

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even if I had to do it
with my own bare hands.

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But every time I tried,

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it seemed like these same two hands

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would end up back in handcuffs.

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And I would be back in
the Cook County jail in

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Chicago on my knees
and crying out to God,

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asking him to deliver me yet again.

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(upbeat music)

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I always knew I was gon' be a
preacher when I was a little child,

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I think, nine, 10 years old.

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I had my own church in my
mother's kitchen and my brother,

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my little brother and my dog, Rex,

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they were my two church members.

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My brother wasn't all
that happy about it.

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He wanted to go outside and play,

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but I was bigger than
him. So I threatened him.

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He had to sit there and listen to me

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preach all the time every week.

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But then what happened was,

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I know that when I was
about 16 years old,

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I went home from school.

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And I remember that even
when I was younger,

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I told my mother that I was
gon' be a preacher and she

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told me that I couldn't
just decide that I

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was gonna be a preacher.

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She told me that God had to call me.

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And so for the next few days,

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I sat around the phone
waiting for God to call.

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But when I was 16 years old,

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I remember I was on my way
home from school and on

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the bus and I kind of was

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sitting there kind of
dozing or whatever.

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But I remember I just saw

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myself preaching and
preaching and preaching,

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and it felt different that time.

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And I was thinking that that was

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God really calling me at that time.

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And I talked with my
father who was a preacher.

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I talked to my pastor
and I talked with

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my aunt who was also a preacher.

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And then that was when I decided,

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and we all decided

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that I should have go ahead on
and preach my trial sermon.

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I left the church because I
was kind of disillusioned.

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I was… I had a different opinion or

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a set opinion of how I thought
a preacher was supposed to be

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and how church members was
supposed to be and how church

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itself was supposed to be
and I wasn't seeing that.

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In my opinion, the preachers

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weren't as Holy as I
thought they should

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be and a lot of the
church members were not

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acting as Holy as I
thought they should be.

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I guess I was looking for

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the perfect preacher or

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the perfect church number
or the perfect church.

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I went from one denomination to

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another thinking that one might
be better than the other,

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but I found out later on that
there is no such thing as

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a perfect preacher or a perfect
church or perfect anything else.

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There was only one perfect
person in the world that was

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Jesus and so the illusion
that I had in my head,

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that there just isn't any.

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And so, but I discovered
that afterwards,

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after I had already left the church
was that we were all flawed.

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I was 20 years old,

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it was shortly after
I left the church,

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I started drinking
and started smoking

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marijuana with some of my friends.

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I was dropping a few
pills from time to time,

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reds, trees and that kind of thing.

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And then one time a friend of
mine came by with some drugs,

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it was the street name of Duji.

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I didn't know what at the time,
but Duji was really heroin.

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Several friends came by and it was on

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a Friday evening and they
had the Duji or heroin,

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but they also had some
other drug paraphernalia.

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They had needles and
makeshift syringes was,

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and they were getting
everything together.

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And I asked what was going on,

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and he said, well, we're
going to shoot at this time.

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I told him, well, just put
mine a little bit over

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there for me and I'll snort mine.

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But then, my friend said,

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“No, you don't understand,

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we shooting ours and you're
going to shoot yours too.”

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And I didn't
realize it at the time,

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but BB and Ronnie had
come up behind me.

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And then they grabbed me
and was holding me down.

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When my friend Tadpole was
coming toward me with the,

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with the needle and
the makeshift syringe.

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And he said, I remember
him saying, “sorry Bub,

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but I know that this is
the only way I could get

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you to try it.” And by the way,

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that was my nickname
at the time, Bub.

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And so when Tadpole started
sticking a needle in my arm,

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I was struggling and resistant
and they said, “Hey man,

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you need to quit struggling,

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that needle’s going to
break in your arm.”

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And so I quit struggling, I just stopped.

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And I was thinking to
myself that, okay, when,

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when this is over with,

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I'm going to get my,

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my gun and I'm gonna
shoot all three of them.

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But then when the heroin started
going through my system,

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it was a feeling of euphoria,

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a feeling that I'd never felt before.

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And that was the
beginning of drug use.

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On hard drugs anyway.

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It was a feeling I'd
never had before.

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Heroin has you kind of mellowed out.

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You are just laid back and relaxed

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and it seems like nothing in
the world is going on matters.

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If you’re listening to music,

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like I was always listening to jazz,

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the music sounded better.

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The saxophone that was being
played, it sounded better.

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The piano, whatever. All
the music was just great.

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You hear it differently when you were

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high and you just mellowed out.

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It was unlike any other drugs
that I had ever, ever had.

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Cocaine was like I said,
it's the opposite.

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Once you, when you finish
shooting some cocaine,

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you want to go back and
get some more, right then.

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A lot sometimes when,

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when I even the first
time that I shot

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some cocaine for all the
needle was still in my arm,

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I used my other hand

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to reached in my pocket to see
how much money I had left,

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so I can go back and get some more.

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But that's the effect and the
difference that cocaine has,

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it's an instant, high,

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it's a high that you
really like feeling,

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but you want to go back and
get some more right away.

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And then again and again,
and that's why people,

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some people will be on
binges where they do

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cocaine three or four days in a row,

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just getting high all day and

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all night for several
days and several nights.

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I shot both. I started
off snorting heroin,

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and then I went to shooting heroin.

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And then when I started on cocaine,

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I started, well, I
started shooting cocaine.

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That was when I was
really into my drugs.

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I remember back earlier when
I was back in the service,

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when I was back in the service,

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I was snorting cocaine then.

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But then when I started into

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my heavy addiction and
I was shooting cocaine,

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matter of fact, some people even
do what they call speed balling.

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They mixed the whole cocaine
and heroin together,

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and they shoot it
together because it gives

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them the combined effect.

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And that was one thing that I
really loved to do was speed ball,

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shooting the heroin
and cocaine together.

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(jazz music plays)

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After thinking back on things,

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there was an emptiness there that
I didn't realize at the time,

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but there was an emptiness, I guess,

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an emptiness or a void
that I was trying to fill.

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But mostly what I think was,

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I was always chasing something.

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I don't know what it was.

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A lot of addicts love chasing

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something and they
don't know what it is.

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And the best way to describe
it is when I was in prison.

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I had a recurring dream and
that dream and in that dream,

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I would be just about
to shoot some drugs,

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heroin, or cocaine or both.

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And I have the tie
or belt or whatever,

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tied around my arm and I
was just about to stick

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the needle into my arm and I would

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wake up and this happened again,

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and again, and again,

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night after night, you know,

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two or three, sometimes two
or three nights a week.

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I would have that same dream,

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and one time, it went even further,

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I got the needle into my arm,

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as I was about to push
the plunger, I wake up.

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I woke up and I was wondering,
“Okay, what is up with this?”

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I said, “Lord, at least let me
fill it at one time,

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you know?” But anyway,

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but that's a way of describing
what you are chasing.

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You don't know what you're chasing,

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but you're chasing
something and the thing is,

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you never catch it,
you never achieve it.

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And so you get more drugs,

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still chasing whatever that was.

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And what I think, you know,

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looking back on stuff
when I was thinking is

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that I didn't realize

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it at the time and a lot of
addicts don't realize it,

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but they were really
chasing his death.

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Not saying that they want to
die, they’re trying to die.

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But if they keep chasing what
is staying away from them,

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what is one step ahead
of them, is death.

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But it's still chasing it.

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And the problem is, the bad thing is,

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now too many of our people
are catching up with him.

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They're no longer just chasing them.

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They caught him, and
now they're dead.

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(soft piano music)

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About two weeks ago,

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I left the ministry,
slacking a little bit in

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my persistence towards God,

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when I was afraid, you
know what I'm saying?

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I started taking my eyes off Him,

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and started putting it all about me.

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It was all about me, you know?

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So anyway, I felt bad.

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You know, when I left,

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I went out and used.

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I only been out a week.
You know what I mean?

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I came back. You know what I mean?

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Came back to my senses and what

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I wanted to give God the glory
for when I was out there.

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I mean, it's just like people say,

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once you leave the drug alone

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and then you go back
to it, it gets worse.

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3:45 in the morning pitch dark,

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money in my pocket,

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over 300 and something dollars
in my pocket. I'm out walking.

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I'm like, I'm like,

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every now and then a car
will pass and I'm like,

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thinking to myself,
“Oh God, help me God.

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Oh Lord God, please don't let nobody

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pull up and blow my head off or

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00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:23,408
please don’t have somebody pull
up and try to rob me.” You know,

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that’s just how much God loves me.

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You know what I'm
saying? Today because,

249
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:33,079
there's been situations like
that where you heard about

250
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,654
it on the news or
whatever you want to say.

251
00:12:37,655 --> 00:12:40,684
Things like that happen to people.

252
00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:44,529
All my life, I always
felt God's hand on me.

253
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,974
So since I been back,

254
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,564
I been taking my eyes off myself.

255
00:12:49,565 --> 00:12:51,879
You know what I'm saying?

256
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,319
Just coming to the Lord faithfully.

257
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,524
You just take one day at a time.

258
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,669
I knew I was in too
deep when I started

259
00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:59,804
doing things that I really
said, I would never do,

260
00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:02,199
I started stealing from the church,

261
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:06,409
particularly, my father
and my aunt's church.

262
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,429
I stole my father's tithe envelope

263
00:13:09,430 --> 00:13:11,723
that he had dropped off at my aunts,

264
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:13,979
they put in an offering the next day.

265
00:13:13,980 --> 00:13:19,209
I was what they call fiending and,

266
00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,179
you know, I needed
some drugs right then,

267
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:24,004
so I took the money out of

268
00:13:24,005 --> 00:13:27,004
my father's tithe envelope

269
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:29,409
and I went and bought
the drugs with it.

270
00:13:29,410 --> 00:13:35,353
I was running… I found the checkbook,

271
00:13:35,354 --> 00:13:41,169
the church's checkbook and I was
writing checks to myself from the

272
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:46,414
church’s checkbook and I was
signing fictitious names to them,

273
00:13:46,415 --> 00:13:49,149
and so I was doing that,

274
00:13:49,150 --> 00:13:50,219
and so that's when I
meant when I said I was

275
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,344
stealing from the church.

276
00:13:51,345 --> 00:13:54,959
And another thing that really hurt,

277
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,369
I know my family, my aunt was that,

278
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:02,504
okay... My aunt who really loved me,

279
00:14:02,505 --> 00:14:05,619
there's pictures of her holding
me when I was a baby and

280
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:08,844
I remember her taking
me to, she was a nurse.

281
00:14:08,845 --> 00:14:10,868
And by the way, she
didn’t have any children,

282
00:14:10,869 --> 00:14:13,074
she considered me her child,

283
00:14:13,075 --> 00:14:16,638
and she loved me with
her whole heart and

284
00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:24,639
I stole so much stuff on her
that they were prosperous,

285
00:14:25,229 --> 00:14:26,853
but by the time I finished,

286
00:14:26,854 --> 00:14:29,989
she couldn't even have her
electric was turned off,

287
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:33,298
her gas was turned
off and the telephone

288
00:14:33,299 --> 00:14:37,024
was turned off because I
stole all of her stuff.

289
00:14:37,025 --> 00:14:39,738
She had taken me in
after her husband had

290
00:14:39,739 --> 00:14:42,684
passed to help her around the house,

291
00:14:42,685 --> 00:14:46,169
and I was stealing her blind.

292
00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:51,674
A lot of stuff that she had
accumulated I was selling.

293
00:14:51,675 --> 00:14:54,299
She had a couple of fur
coats, I sold both of them.

294
00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:56,249
I sold the coats and I remember she

295
00:14:56,250 --> 00:14:57,939
was a pastor and one
of our members had

296
00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:59,409
passed and she couldn't even go to

297
00:14:59,410 --> 00:15:01,278
the funeral because she
didn't have a coat to wear,

298
00:15:01,279 --> 00:15:02,589
I stole all of them.

299
00:15:02,590 --> 00:15:04,264
Man, what have I become?

300
00:15:04,265 --> 00:15:07,138
Auntie is gone now,

301
00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:10,099
but that still bothers me.

302
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:11,458
I still, when I pray now,

303
00:15:11,459 --> 00:15:14,364
ask God to forgive me for
what I did to Auntie.

304
00:15:14,365 --> 00:15:16,728
My father took a Greyhound bus from

305
00:15:16,729 --> 00:15:20,290
Chicago all the way to
Leavenworth to visit me.

306
00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:23,529
When I was at the Cook County jail,

307
00:15:23,530 --> 00:15:27,199
he visited me all the time.

308
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,524
And I didn't know the
effect that I was having on

309
00:15:29,525 --> 00:15:34,608
him until some years later
cause I thought that,

310
00:15:34,609 --> 00:15:35,979
okay, I'm not hurting anybody,

311
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:40,074
but myself and I was
wrong about that.

312
00:15:40,075 --> 00:15:42,578
I remember hearing when I was sent to

313
00:15:42,579 --> 00:15:46,048
the penitentiary and
I heard some time

314
00:15:46,049 --> 00:15:48,889
later was the fact
that how it affected

315
00:15:48,890 --> 00:15:52,654
my father when he had to go to
the jail to get my clothes,

316
00:15:52,655 --> 00:15:54,929
because I was gone.

317
00:15:54,930 --> 00:16:02,499
And what I heard was that
the effect it had on him was

318
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,503
it was almost like him going to

319
00:16:05,504 --> 00:16:10,529
a hospital or something to get
my clothes, because I'm dead.

320
00:16:10,530 --> 00:16:13,529
And that was the feeling
that he had that,

321
00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:15,679
I gotta get my son's clothes.

322
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,274
He's gone now.

323
00:16:17,275 --> 00:16:20,698
And that had an effect on him that

324
00:16:20,699 --> 00:16:24,630
I didn't realize til years later.

325
00:16:25,550 --> 00:16:28,559
And even with my daughter,

326
00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:32,464
when I was arrested,

327
00:16:32,465 --> 00:16:34,668
I went to prison and I wrote her

328
00:16:34,669 --> 00:16:37,734
a letter because the year

329
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:40,478
previous was the most time
I had ever spent with her,

330
00:16:40,479 --> 00:16:42,588
when she came to visit
in Chicago and I was

331
00:16:42,589 --> 00:16:45,324
able to be with her and my son.

332
00:16:45,325 --> 00:16:48,088
But I wrote her that
letter when I got

333
00:16:48,089 --> 00:16:51,053
to the prison and she wrote
me back, she said, “Dad,

334
00:16:51,054 --> 00:16:53,529
why is the only time I hear
from you is when you were in jail?”

335
00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:59,314
And that affected me
because I realized it was true.

336
00:16:59,315 --> 00:17:02,033
She lives in Detroit
with her mother and

337
00:17:02,034 --> 00:17:07,548
other family members and I lived
some of everywhere: Chicago,

338
00:17:07,549 --> 00:17:11,019
Detroit, St. Louis, California.

339
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,678
I was always trying to stay a step

340
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:14,979
ahead of the police and
the warrants that I had.

341
00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:18,864
And so when I wrote her
that and she wrote me back,

342
00:17:18,865 --> 00:17:21,949
“Why is the only time you
write me is when you’re in jail?”

343
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:27,299
That messed me up,
because it was true.

344
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,368
And so when I'm in prisons,

345
00:17:29,369 --> 00:17:32,459
talking to the men in
prisons when I go,

346
00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,689
and I share that story
with them, let them know,

347
00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:38,350
“No don't make the same
mistake that I made.

348
00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:42,698
The stuff you're doing is
not just affecting you,

349
00:17:42,699 --> 00:17:44,974
it's affecting your whole family,

350
00:17:44,975 --> 00:17:49,248
your children, your little siblings,

351
00:17:49,249 --> 00:17:50,924
your brothers or sisters.

352
00:17:50,925 --> 00:17:54,619
You are hurting them more than

353
00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:57,848
you think you are
hurting them.” And so,

354
00:17:57,849 --> 00:18:00,218
yeah, it was a real negative
effect that I had on

355
00:18:00,219 --> 00:18:03,709
my family and my friends,
even to this day.

356
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:05,609
It was well over

357
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:09,109
$200,000 that I had spent during
the time of my addiction,

358
00:18:09,110 --> 00:18:13,599
and it might've been
even closer to $300,000.

359
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:19,604
I had spent so much
money on the drug.

360
00:18:19,605 --> 00:18:23,408
And one thing that I
did realize later in

361
00:18:23,409 --> 00:18:28,399
my addiction was that even if I
wanted a job or wanted to work,

362
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,818
I couldn't afford to
work because there

363
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,859
was no job that was going
to pay me enough to be

364
00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:37,684
able to supply the drugs that
I needed just to function.

365
00:18:37,685 --> 00:18:41,583
And so, yeah, it costs
a lot monetarily

366
00:18:41,584 --> 00:18:46,689
and as far as relationships
and even my freedom.

367
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,859
Yeah, drug addiction costs a lot.

368
00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:51,269
Besides the heroin and cocaine,

369
00:18:51,270 --> 00:18:53,724
and I was addicted to
alcohol cigarettes,

370
00:18:53,725 --> 00:18:57,209
sex, I think I was even
addicted to crime.

371
00:18:57,210 --> 00:19:00,103
It was just the rush sometimes

372
00:19:00,104 --> 00:19:03,969
with some of the criminal
activities that I was doing,

373
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:06,569
the con games that I was running,

374
00:19:06,570 --> 00:19:11,390
especially when I was in
California and in the Marines.

375
00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:13,839
I got a high from that,

376
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,329
just being able to,

377
00:19:15,330 --> 00:19:17,714
to talk people out of stuff.

378
00:19:17,715 --> 00:19:24,154
All of the males in my
family were alcoholics.

379
00:19:24,155 --> 00:19:27,498
My father, my grandfather,

380
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:31,658
all my uncles, cousins,

381
00:19:31,659 --> 00:19:33,654
they were all alcoholics.

382
00:19:33,655 --> 00:19:36,909
My father was a heavy
drinker and alcoholic.

383
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:41,099
I think the only thing that I
saved him from that his call,

384
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:44,480
when God called him to the ministry.

385
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,989
And then God delivered him from that.

386
00:19:47,990 --> 00:19:50,474
But I remember growing up as a child,

387
00:19:50,475 --> 00:19:52,729
all I saw was alcoholism especially

388
00:19:52,730 --> 00:19:55,584
from the male side of my family,

389
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:58,349
both sides of the family, my
mother's side and my father's side.

390
00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:04,030
First high I experienced
was an aerosol can.

391
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:07,003
About seven years old,

392
00:20:07,004 --> 00:20:09,899
and from there, everything took off.

393
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:12,408
Before junior high, I was probably

394
00:20:12,409 --> 00:20:15,388
a stoned alcoholic, drug addict,

395
00:20:15,389 --> 00:20:16,893
whatever you want to call it,

396
00:20:16,894 --> 00:20:23,644
but it was never addressed
because I was the fourth child.

397
00:20:23,645 --> 00:20:27,769
I felt my mom played favoritism
over all five of us.

398
00:20:27,770 --> 00:20:30,418
And I'm okay with that, I was
known as the black sheep,

399
00:20:30,419 --> 00:20:33,370
so I continued on.

400
00:20:33,380 --> 00:20:37,819
Before I was 16, I
formed my own gang,

401
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,108
got into the streets
and by now crack and

402
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:44,869
everything else was out there.

403
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:47,608
The first elicit drug I
fell in love with was

404
00:20:47,609 --> 00:20:50,514
the PCP and angel dust.

405
00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:54,639
And from their on, I
spiraled out of control.

406
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,103
Each time I disconnect from

407
00:20:56,104 --> 00:20:58,249
people that's going
to mean me some good,

408
00:20:58,250 --> 00:21:00,704
I wind up going back.

409
00:21:00,705 --> 00:21:03,299
If this is your first treatment,

410
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:05,819
spiritual whatever type of treatment.

411
00:21:05,820 --> 00:21:07,109
Each time you go out,

412
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,999
you double your dose and
you triple your pain.

413
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:14,448
This, this is crack cocaine

414
00:21:14,449 --> 00:21:19,569
seized a few days ago by drug
enforcement agents in a park,

415
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:22,934
just across the street
from the White House.

416
00:21:22,935 --> 00:21:25,008
It could easily have been heroin or

417
00:21:25,009 --> 00:21:29,284
PCP it's as innocent
looking as candy,

418
00:21:29,285 --> 00:21:31,279
but it's turning our cities into

419
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,969
battle zones and it's
murdering our children.

420
00:21:34,970 --> 00:21:36,789
Let there be no mistake,

421
00:21:36,790 --> 00:21:39,619
this stuff is poison.

422
00:21:39,620 --> 00:21:42,648
We’re going to be
approaching an area now,

423
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:45,468
a place where back in the day,

424
00:21:45,469 --> 00:21:47,569
I first started smoking crack.

425
00:21:47,570 --> 00:21:49,813
As a matter of fact,
this is the first place

426
00:21:49,814 --> 00:21:54,029
that I smoked crack at,

427
00:21:54,030 --> 00:21:57,499
crack and also PCP,

428
00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:59,669
what people call water.

429
00:21:59,670 --> 00:22:02,603
It’s all boarded up now,

430
00:22:02,604 --> 00:22:05,338
but that was the place
where I first started

431
00:22:05,339 --> 00:22:09,359
smoking crack and PCP,

432
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:11,824
what they call water.

433
00:22:11,825 --> 00:22:15,609
The person, who I will not name,

434
00:22:15,610 --> 00:22:17,299
he had several houses,

435
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,489
drug houses, in the St. Louis area.

436
00:22:19,490 --> 00:22:21,930
But this is where he started.

437
00:22:21,950 --> 00:22:26,129
Even when I was on my knees
in the alley that night,

438
00:22:26,130 --> 00:22:28,159
the alley looked
something like this one.

439
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,608
On my hands and knees,

440
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:31,258
looking for a syringe and

441
00:22:31,259 --> 00:22:34,329
a needle that I had thrown
away hours earlier.

442
00:22:34,330 --> 00:22:36,454
I’d thrown them away
because I promised God

443
00:22:36,455 --> 00:22:38,759
that I would never shoot drugs again.

444
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,679
But here I was in that
alley on my hands and

445
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:46,133
knees looking for that
syringe and that needle,

446
00:22:46,134 --> 00:22:49,669
instead of being on my hands
and my knees and asking God to

447
00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:53,464
forgive me and to deliver
me from this thing.

448
00:22:53,465 --> 00:22:56,068
My marriage failed because I

449
00:22:56,069 --> 00:23:02,599
chose drugs and the lifestyle
that I was living over my family.

450
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,638
What I mean by that is that is,

451
00:23:05,639 --> 00:23:08,200
it's the choices that you make.

452
00:23:09,830 --> 00:23:14,708
You can choose to be with
your family and do what you

453
00:23:14,709 --> 00:23:19,348
can to be a father of
your husband or whatever,

454
00:23:19,349 --> 00:23:21,809
or you can choose to

455
00:23:21,810 --> 00:23:26,914
do what you need to do in
order to support your habit.

456
00:23:26,915 --> 00:23:30,968
And if you, the habit that you have,

457
00:23:30,969 --> 00:23:32,779
it's gonna cost you something.

458
00:23:32,780 --> 00:23:36,913
As far as your
relationship with folks,

459
00:23:36,914 --> 00:23:40,458
take for instance, you

460
00:23:40,459 --> 00:23:41,749
might have an appointment to go

461
00:23:41,750 --> 00:23:44,310
somewhere to be somewhere
at a certain time.

462
00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:49,338
And you decide before you get
ready to leave home, to get there,

463
00:23:49,339 --> 00:23:51,644
you said, okay, I'm going to
take a hit first before I go,

464
00:23:51,645 --> 00:23:53,889
just take the edge
off and I'll be good.

465
00:23:53,890 --> 00:23:56,494
Okay with that hit, it
leads to another hit.

466
00:23:56,495 --> 00:23:58,824
And then that leads to
take an another hit.

467
00:23:58,825 --> 00:24:00,909
And that hit leads to
taking another hit.

468
00:24:00,910 --> 00:24:02,889
And the next thing you know,

469
00:24:02,890 --> 00:24:07,388
you’ve been there
getting high and doing

470
00:24:07,389 --> 00:24:09,019
drugs instead of going and

471
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:11,838
doing what you supposed
to be doing and now,

472
00:24:11,839 --> 00:24:14,388
after taking hit,
after hit, after hit,

473
00:24:14,389 --> 00:24:20,418
now it's so late that it's
too late to get there,

474
00:24:20,419 --> 00:24:22,389
to do what you were
supposed to been doing.

475
00:24:22,390 --> 00:24:24,578
Whether it's supposed to be at one of

476
00:24:24,579 --> 00:24:26,599
your kid's ball games or something,

477
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,894
or graduation of whatever,

478
00:24:28,895 --> 00:24:31,788
instead of doing what you
supposed to be doing,

479
00:24:31,789 --> 00:24:34,839
you’re self-indulging,
that's a choice

480
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,054
that you have made and then
so your family suffers.

481
00:24:38,055 --> 00:24:39,804
I remember a friend of mine,

482
00:24:39,805 --> 00:24:41,173
a friend of mine whose mother

483
00:24:41,174 --> 00:24:42,974
had passed, now she loved her mother.

484
00:24:42,975 --> 00:24:46,478
Her mother had passed and she had had

485
00:24:46,479 --> 00:24:49,659
gotten to the funeral home in
plenty of time for the funeral.

486
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:51,854
Matter of fact, she was
there for the visitation.

487
00:24:51,855 --> 00:24:53,708
And sometimes during the visitation,

488
00:24:53,709 --> 00:24:55,443
she decided to step outside,

489
00:24:55,444 --> 00:24:57,938
and her and a friend
of hers was sitting in

490
00:24:57,939 --> 00:25:00,469
a car and they started
to smoke some crack.

491
00:25:00,470 --> 00:25:01,939
And they were sitting there,

492
00:25:01,940 --> 00:25:03,704
getting high, smoking crack.

493
00:25:03,705 --> 00:25:05,744
But the way crack is

494
00:25:05,745 --> 00:25:09,258
one hit leads to another hit
and then to another hit,

495
00:25:09,259 --> 00:25:10,724
then to another hit.

496
00:25:10,725 --> 00:25:13,523
And before they even realized
that the funeral was halfway

497
00:25:13,524 --> 00:25:17,028
over and they’re sitting
outside in the parking lot,

498
00:25:17,029 --> 00:25:21,614
smoking crack while their mother’s
being funeralized inside.

499
00:25:21,615 --> 00:25:26,284
And now, it's not because
she didn't love her mother,

500
00:25:26,285 --> 00:25:30,493
but the choice that
she made was to start,

501
00:25:30,494 --> 00:25:32,469
was to take that first hit.

502
00:25:32,470 --> 00:25:34,604
And one hit led to another.

503
00:25:34,605 --> 00:25:38,709
And so that's an example
of choices that you

504
00:25:38,710 --> 00:25:43,899
make that affects your family or
it affects people around you.

505
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:47,384
And it would affect you
later when you realized,

506
00:25:47,385 --> 00:25:52,229
man, what was I thinking?
What was I thinking?

507
00:25:52,230 --> 00:25:53,999
Mom is in there being…

508
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,659
A funeral is going on and out,
sitting on the car, getting high.

509
00:25:57,660 --> 00:26:00,308
But by the time you realize that and

510
00:26:00,309 --> 00:26:03,160
think about that, it's too late.

511
00:26:04,190 --> 00:26:07,238
My daughter was graduating
and I was supposed to be at

512
00:26:07,239 --> 00:26:09,688
the graduation and I'm

513
00:26:09,689 --> 00:26:12,960
out here getting high or
trying to get some money.

514
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,954
Other stuff that's going on,

515
00:26:15,955 --> 00:26:19,679
you made choices, it’s a bad choice.

516
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,198
And somewhere down the road,

517
00:26:21,199 --> 00:26:25,130
that's going to eat that shoe
and eat you up, and consume you.

518
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,014
I was trying to escape reality.

519
00:26:28,015 --> 00:26:31,759
I lost so much by the
decisions that I had made.

520
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,329
We all have dreams,

521
00:26:33,330 --> 00:26:34,939
I had had dreams when I was,

522
00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:37,219
I was a child growing up and then

523
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:40,274
I started achieving
some of those dreams.

524
00:26:40,275 --> 00:26:45,569
Like I said, at one point I
was a functioning drug addict.

525
00:26:45,570 --> 00:26:47,628
But even before I
started using the drugs,

526
00:26:47,629 --> 00:26:49,274
when I was preaching before,

527
00:26:49,275 --> 00:26:55,370
I was a sought after teenage
preacher around the Midwest.

528
00:26:55,570 --> 00:27:00,389
That was gone. I was

529
00:27:00,390 --> 00:27:03,918
a successful businessman in

530
00:27:03,919 --> 00:27:08,594
the retail industry
and retail management.

531
00:27:08,595 --> 00:27:16,595
I messed that up. I was an
upcoming politician in Chicago,

532
00:27:16,745 --> 00:27:21,844
working for one of the first
black United States Congressmen.

533
00:27:21,845 --> 00:27:25,119
That was gone. I’d gotten a raise,

534
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:28,649
I made all the way up to
Sergeant in one of the toughest,

535
00:27:28,650 --> 00:27:33,004
most respected branches of
the military that there is.

536
00:27:33,005 --> 00:27:35,439
I messed that up.

537
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,249
God gave me chance and
chance after chance,

538
00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:41,689
and I was able to achieve this
and that and I messed it up,

539
00:27:41,690 --> 00:27:44,128
threw it all the way because of

540
00:27:44,129 --> 00:27:48,029
some choices that I made and
the addictions that I had.

541
00:27:48,030 --> 00:27:50,838
And there was, and I was sitting,

542
00:27:50,839 --> 00:27:52,003
I think back up, man,

543
00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,559
I had it. I had it.

544
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,878
And then I would get
so discouraged and

545
00:27:56,879 --> 00:27:59,458
disgusted because I
know those chances,

546
00:27:59,459 --> 00:28:01,168
those opportunities,
they’re never going to come

547
00:28:01,169 --> 00:28:04,010
back. So what am I now?

548
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:08,834
Just a junkie. That's all
I'm ever going to be.

549
00:28:08,835 --> 00:28:12,469
Now, just another
junkie who was steady

550
00:28:12,470 --> 00:28:16,819
hurting folk and so you get
so depressed off of that.

551
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:19,678
I heard people say that
people do drugs for

552
00:28:19,679 --> 00:28:24,124
two reasons: one is to feel good
and another is not to feel.

553
00:28:24,125 --> 00:28:26,718
When you first start shooting
drugs or doing drugs,

554
00:28:26,719 --> 00:28:28,764
you're doing it because
it makes you feel good.

555
00:28:28,765 --> 00:28:32,479
But later on, you're doing it
because you don't want to feel.

556
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,549
You don't want to feel the pain
that you caused to everybody.

557
00:28:35,550 --> 00:28:38,679
You don't want to feel
the disappointment that

558
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,989
you are having yourself and how
you disappointed other folks.

559
00:28:41,990 --> 00:28:44,528
You don't want to feel
that. So you medicate,

560
00:28:44,529 --> 00:28:47,164
you just keep doing more
drugs and drug after drug,

561
00:28:47,165 --> 00:28:49,854
because you don't want to feel.

562
00:28:49,855 --> 00:28:53,278
I get a lot of people who call or

563
00:28:53,279 --> 00:28:55,979
contact me because one
of their loved ones,

564
00:28:55,980 --> 00:28:58,318
their son or daughter or whoever is

565
00:28:58,319 --> 00:29:01,159
strung out on drugs and they know
how God delivered me from drugs,

566
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,849
so they want me to talk to them.

567
00:29:03,850 --> 00:29:05,414
And I'm glad to do that.

568
00:29:05,415 --> 00:29:10,289
But what people have to
realize is that they're not,

569
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,539
if they're not ready to quit,

570
00:29:12,540 --> 00:29:15,103
they're not going to
listen to me because

571
00:29:15,104 --> 00:29:17,759
they think that they
got it under control.

572
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:22,079
They think they're using
because they want to use.

573
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,974
You hear people say,

574
00:29:23,975 --> 00:29:27,459
I can quit anytime I want to.

575
00:29:27,460 --> 00:29:29,219
I'm just not ready to quit.

576
00:29:29,220 --> 00:29:32,038
So until they realized
that they are ready to

577
00:29:32,039 --> 00:29:35,169
quit and what's going on,
they will never quit.

578
00:29:35,170 --> 00:29:39,244
But one thing that is good,

579
00:29:39,245 --> 00:29:41,789
is that you're able to plant seed.

580
00:29:41,790 --> 00:29:45,529
And so that's what I do
sometimes I plant the seed.

581
00:29:45,530 --> 00:29:49,069
Just like the Bible says,
even about Christianity,

582
00:29:49,070 --> 00:29:51,838
one person might plant a seed and
the other one might water it,

583
00:29:51,839 --> 00:29:53,659
but then God gives the increase.

584
00:29:53,660 --> 00:29:57,299
If I plant a seed for someone
and then something else

585
00:29:57,300 --> 00:30:01,848
happens down the road to reinforce
the seed that I planted,

586
00:30:01,849 --> 00:30:03,604
in other words, they watered it.

587
00:30:03,605 --> 00:30:08,733
And then so when time comes,

588
00:30:08,734 --> 00:30:12,134
then when they start
feeling like, okay,

589
00:30:12,135 --> 00:30:14,783
this ain't what I signed up for,

590
00:30:14,784 --> 00:30:17,439
maybe it's time for me
to rethink this thing.

591
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,123
But sometimes it might be

592
00:30:19,124 --> 00:30:21,414
kind of late because
they've lost some stuff,

593
00:30:21,415 --> 00:30:23,374
different people have rock bottoms.

594
00:30:23,375 --> 00:30:25,368
For some it’s going to jail,

595
00:30:25,369 --> 00:30:27,599
for some was a loss of a loved one,

596
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:31,369
for some it’s being
homeless or whatever.

597
00:30:31,370 --> 00:30:34,133
Different people have
their own rock bottom,

598
00:30:34,134 --> 00:30:36,589
but then when they get
close to that bottom,

599
00:30:36,590 --> 00:30:38,569
then it starts sinking in that,

600
00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:42,099
okay, this is not what I want.

601
00:30:42,100 --> 00:30:46,359
And it took a while for me
to realize that myself.

602
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:49,719
Again, what started affecting me

603
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,644
was when I saw how I was
affecting other folk,

604
00:30:52,645 --> 00:30:55,308
but until I got ready to quit,

605
00:30:55,309 --> 00:30:56,739
I don't care who came
and talked to me

606
00:30:56,740 --> 00:30:58,549
about what, I wasn't hearing it.

607
00:30:58,550 --> 00:31:01,208
My cousin who's passed now,

608
00:31:01,209 --> 00:31:03,550
I loved her, Rose.

609
00:31:03,570 --> 00:31:06,018
She had tried to talk me cause

610
00:31:06,019 --> 00:31:09,093
she had been on drugs before herself,

611
00:31:09,094 --> 00:31:11,124
and God had delivered her,

612
00:31:11,125 --> 00:31:12,409
so she was trying to help me.

613
00:31:12,410 --> 00:31:15,029
But I wasn't trying to
hear that at that time.

614
00:31:15,030 --> 00:31:17,479
I just wanted her to just leave
me alone, I know what I'm doing.

615
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,099
I’ll quit when I'm ready.

616
00:31:19,100 --> 00:31:22,028
I remember early in my addiction,

617
00:31:22,029 --> 00:31:24,499
I went to a drug house.

618
00:31:24,500 --> 00:31:26,689
It was in Chicago

619
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,994
where they sold out of a
window that led to an alley.

620
00:31:31,995 --> 00:31:35,223
You tap on the window and
you tell them what you want,

621
00:31:35,224 --> 00:31:38,774
and then they get the bag or
two or whatever you wanted.

622
00:31:38,775 --> 00:31:42,159
I did that one night
after getting off work.

623
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:44,559
And I was headed back to my car.

624
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:48,419
And then I saw someone coming
up through a vacant lot.

625
00:31:48,420 --> 00:31:51,383
And when I saw them,

626
00:31:51,384 --> 00:31:52,799
I didn't know what it was.

627
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:53,929
Was it a police of what?

628
00:31:53,930 --> 00:31:58,409
I dropped the bag when I
realized what was going on,

629
00:31:58,410 --> 00:32:01,508
because the person had a gun
pointed at me and he said,

630
00:32:01,509 --> 00:32:04,078
“Okay, give it up!”

631
00:32:04,079 --> 00:32:05,644
And acted like I didn't know
what he was talking about,

632
00:32:05,645 --> 00:32:07,799
I said, “What you talking about, man?

633
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,549
What you talking about?” He said,

634
00:32:09,550 --> 00:32:14,388
“Give me the dope.” And I started
trying to play it off you know,

635
00:32:14,389 --> 00:32:15,798
like I ain't got no dope,

636
00:32:15,799 --> 00:32:18,364
they didn't have any, or whatever.

637
00:32:18,365 --> 00:32:21,294
And he put gun closer
to me and he said,

638
00:32:21,295 --> 00:32:24,269
“Don't make me shoot you.

639
00:32:24,270 --> 00:32:29,838
Give me the bag!” And so
after hesitating and stuff,

640
00:32:29,839 --> 00:32:31,669
as long as I could, I said, “Okay,

641
00:32:31,670 --> 00:32:33,034
this dud looks like
he’s going to shoot me.”

642
00:32:33,035 --> 00:32:37,109
I dropped the bag on the ground.

643
00:32:37,110 --> 00:32:39,963
And I was in, I was hoping

644
00:32:39,964 --> 00:32:43,294
that at first he wouldn't see
it cause I put my foot over it.

645
00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,528
And so I was still trying to talk to

646
00:32:45,529 --> 00:32:47,749
him and tell him that
I don't have anything,

647
00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:49,244
but when he cocked the gun,

648
00:32:49,245 --> 00:32:50,709
“See, I told you I dropped it.

649
00:32:50,710 --> 00:32:53,819
It’s right there.”
I was hoping in my mind,

650
00:32:53,820 --> 00:32:55,488
that he was going to reach down and

651
00:32:55,489 --> 00:32:57,028
pick up the bag and when he did that,

652
00:32:57,029 --> 00:32:58,984
I was going to kick him in the head.

653
00:32:58,985 --> 00:33:02,119
He didn't do that, he
told me to get him a car.

654
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,549
And I said, “Okay.” And
so I had another plan.

655
00:33:05,550 --> 00:33:06,959
I was going to get in the car

656
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,474
and then I was going to run over him.

657
00:33:08,475 --> 00:33:10,909
But when I got in the car
and by the time I looked up,

658
00:33:10,910 --> 00:33:12,809
he had vanished into the dark.

659
00:33:12,810 --> 00:33:15,819
I drove around looking for him.

660
00:33:15,820 --> 00:33:18,189
I know that sounds
crazy, he got a gun.

661
00:33:18,190 --> 00:33:19,529
I ain't got no gun,

662
00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:24,270
but I was driving around looking
for him over a $10 bag of heroin.

663
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:30,569
That's one of the
dangers that you have,

664
00:33:30,570 --> 00:33:33,419
and that wasn't the only
time that I faced stick-ups.

665
00:33:33,420 --> 00:33:34,438
There’s been several times,

666
00:33:34,439 --> 00:33:36,314
but that's one that
stands out in my mind.

667
00:33:36,315 --> 00:33:39,328
So there are a lot of
ways that you can,

668
00:33:39,329 --> 00:33:41,464
that you’re risk in
your life when you,

669
00:33:41,465 --> 00:33:43,544
when you are doing drugs.

670
00:33:43,545 --> 00:33:44,894
One is overdosing.

671
00:33:44,895 --> 00:33:47,168
The other one is just being robbed or

672
00:33:47,169 --> 00:33:51,474
shot or getting killed
in a drug situation.

673
00:33:51,475 --> 00:33:55,618
My father was never able to see me,

674
00:33:55,619 --> 00:33:59,049
the new me or the real
me, or the delivered me.

675
00:33:59,050 --> 00:34:03,329
The one after Christ delivered
me from my addiction.

676
00:34:03,330 --> 00:34:06,219
My father never gave up on me.

677
00:34:06,220 --> 00:34:07,928
He, as I stated earlier,

678
00:34:07,929 --> 00:34:09,473
when I was going through
all of this stuff,

679
00:34:09,474 --> 00:34:12,019
my father was always with me.

680
00:34:12,020 --> 00:34:15,414
A disappointment my dad
really had was when I

681
00:34:15,415 --> 00:34:18,609
was really getting to
my worst one time.

682
00:34:18,610 --> 00:34:23,309
And I got to my father's house
and I knocked and rung the bell.

683
00:34:23,310 --> 00:34:24,729
Dad lifted the curtain.

684
00:34:24,730 --> 00:34:26,298
Normally when he’d lifted
the curtain, he see me,

685
00:34:26,299 --> 00:34:28,989
he swings the door
open, “Here's my son!

686
00:34:28,990 --> 00:34:30,554
Come on in here, boy.” You know,

687
00:34:30,555 --> 00:34:32,058
but that time they had

688
00:34:32,059 --> 00:34:33,874
lifted the curtain and
was just looking at me.

689
00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:36,109
He said, “What you want?”
I said, “Dad,

690
00:34:36,110 --> 00:34:38,369
it's me.” He said,
“I know who you are.

691
00:34:38,370 --> 00:34:42,388
What you want?” And I can tell
then the dad was really, really,

692
00:34:42,389 --> 00:34:44,438
really disappointed
in me, but even then,

693
00:34:44,439 --> 00:34:46,089
he couldn't hold it that alone.

694
00:34:46,090 --> 00:34:48,230
Dad loved me.

695
00:34:50,250 --> 00:34:55,424
And even though he didn't
live to see the change in me,

696
00:34:55,425 --> 00:34:57,909
I know it was because
of the prayers that he

697
00:34:57,910 --> 00:35:00,919
prayed constantly on my behalf,

698
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:04,309
was one of the reasons
that I am who I am now.

699
00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:06,478
He was trying to rid

700
00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:09,579
the neighborhood of the drug
activity and the drugs.

701
00:35:09,580 --> 00:35:14,049
Dad was the kind of person he would,

702
00:35:14,050 --> 00:35:15,644
he would go and talk to folks.

703
00:35:15,645 --> 00:35:18,218
Everybody neighborhood
knew who Reverend Barr

704
00:35:18,219 --> 00:35:21,513
was and when people were,

705
00:35:21,514 --> 00:35:22,758
the drugs was going on,

706
00:35:22,759 --> 00:35:23,849
he'd go try to talk to him.

707
00:35:23,850 --> 00:35:26,704
He was trying to get the drugs
out of the neighborhood.

708
00:35:26,705 --> 00:35:33,493
One Saturday, I remember
dad had called me,

709
00:35:33,494 --> 00:35:36,294
and we had talked for a while.

710
00:35:36,295 --> 00:35:37,863
And then he said he was going to

711
00:35:37,864 --> 00:35:40,159
the grocery store to
get his groceries.

712
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,099
I asked him, did he want me
to drive him to the store.

713
00:35:43,100 --> 00:35:45,644
He said, “No, you know,
that's how I get my exercise.”

714
00:35:45,645 --> 00:35:48,364
And so we hung up.

715
00:35:48,365 --> 00:35:51,003
A little bit later,

716
00:35:51,004 --> 00:35:54,739
I was on my way to get some drugs.

717
00:35:54,740 --> 00:35:58,938
I didn't drive, I took the
bus cause I didn't want

718
00:35:58,939 --> 00:36:00,594
auntie to know that I was

719
00:36:00,595 --> 00:36:03,369
gone cause she would figure
I was going to get drugs,

720
00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:05,204
but anyway, I saw a crowd

721
00:36:05,205 --> 00:36:07,638
that was gathered around

722
00:36:07,639 --> 00:36:09,313
right there on the corner
of where dad lived,

723
00:36:09,314 --> 00:36:11,999
where I grew up from, grew up at.

724
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,099
I got back to the house
and then later on,

725
00:36:14,100 --> 00:36:16,629
someone came over and told me,

726
00:36:16,630 --> 00:36:20,199
“Hey man, you better
get over to the house.

727
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,539
Reverend Barr was just ran over.

728
00:36:22,540 --> 00:36:28,094
Hit by a car. It don't look
good.” And what had happened was,

729
00:36:28,095 --> 00:36:30,278
witnesses say that when

730
00:36:30,279 --> 00:36:32,534
dad was crossing the
street with his groceries,

731
00:36:32,535 --> 00:36:36,428
someone intentionally ran over him,

732
00:36:36,429 --> 00:36:39,764
they pulled out like almost like
you see on the movies and stuff,

733
00:36:39,765 --> 00:36:41,469
they was sitting there one
day across the street,

734
00:36:41,470 --> 00:36:47,819
they pulled out and floored
the car and ran over him.

735
00:36:47,820 --> 00:36:50,788
He was in the hospital in a coma for

736
00:36:50,789 --> 00:36:52,538
about three days before he

737
00:36:52,539 --> 00:36:55,530
passed away but yeah,
that's what happened.

738
00:36:56,030 --> 00:36:58,313
People think it was some of

739
00:36:58,314 --> 00:37:01,344
the same drug dealers
that dad was trying

740
00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:06,479
to talk to and trying to get
them to change their life.

741
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,813
I guess they felt like he was
interfering with their business,

742
00:37:10,814 --> 00:37:18,814
and so they ran him
down and killed him.

743
00:37:19,790 --> 00:37:22,419
I was never the point where I
didn't want to live anymore,

744
00:37:22,420 --> 00:37:25,308
but I had gotten to the point
where I knew that if I kept

745
00:37:25,309 --> 00:37:29,658
going the way I was going and
that the things that I was doing,

746
00:37:29,659 --> 00:37:32,269
I could end up dying.

747
00:37:32,270 --> 00:37:35,584
And the thing was, I didn't care.

748
00:37:35,585 --> 00:37:37,869
Not that I didn't want to live,

749
00:37:37,870 --> 00:37:39,648
but I didn't care if my died,

750
00:37:39,649 --> 00:37:41,099
if that makes any sense.

751
00:37:41,100 --> 00:37:46,488
When I was in Cook
County jail in Chicago,

752
00:37:46,489 --> 00:37:49,683
even though I was in jail,

753
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,589
I longed for a time to get out
of that so I can get back to

754
00:37:52,590 --> 00:37:56,944
my regular activities,
of getting high.

755
00:37:56,945 --> 00:38:01,079
But it was this one
particular Sunday.

756
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:05,739
It was a prison ministry preacher
that came through the jail.

757
00:38:05,740 --> 00:38:09,470
His name was Reverend
Jerry Hodges in Chicago.

758
00:38:10,370 --> 00:38:13,094
I was standing there
in the cell block,

759
00:38:13,095 --> 00:38:16,179
in the outer area of the cell.

760
00:38:16,180 --> 00:38:20,369
And he came up behind me and
he said, “Hey, my brother.

761
00:38:20,370 --> 00:38:22,149
Why don’t you to come on
down to the Bible study?

762
00:38:22,150 --> 00:38:26,033
God’s got a word for you.”
And I went down to the,

763
00:38:26,034 --> 00:38:29,179
I really didn't even
care about going,

764
00:38:29,180 --> 00:38:30,579
but I didn’t have nothing
else better to do this.

765
00:38:30,580 --> 00:38:32,598
I sat in the back of

766
00:38:32,599 --> 00:38:37,658
the church service and when
Reverend Hodges was talking,

767
00:38:37,659 --> 00:38:40,828
he had said something that
got my attention that was,

768
00:38:40,829 --> 00:38:42,919
as I said before, I was wondering,

769
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:45,369
“How come I keep going to jail?”
Like when you asked the question,

770
00:38:45,370 --> 00:38:48,523
about how many times I’d been
arrested and I was saying,

771
00:38:48,524 --> 00:38:51,599
“Why I keep going to jail?” There
was the time that I used to get

772
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:55,114
away with all this stuff now I'm
getting arrested for everything.

773
00:38:55,115 --> 00:38:57,243
Stuff that my friends
were getting away with,

774
00:38:57,244 --> 00:38:58,759
I'm going to jail for it.

775
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:00,529
Why I keep going to jail?

776
00:39:00,530 --> 00:39:04,404
And he asked the question,
no, he a statement.

777
00:39:04,405 --> 00:39:06,618
He said, “I bet a lot of
y'all wonder why you here in

778
00:39:06,619 --> 00:39:08,984
this jail.” So I started listening.

779
00:39:08,985 --> 00:39:10,578
He said, “The reason
that a lot of y'all in

780
00:39:10,579 --> 00:39:12,519
here is because when you
were running in the street,

781
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,998
doing your thing, God couldn't get

782
00:39:14,999 --> 00:39:18,039
your attention. You
couldn't hear Him.

783
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,138
So sometimes what He does is,

784
00:39:20,139 --> 00:39:22,599
He allows you to be put someplace to

785
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:25,439
slow you down so you can hear Him.

786
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,729
And he does that
because He loves you.

787
00:39:28,730 --> 00:39:30,809
And what you got to remember is that

788
00:39:30,810 --> 00:39:32,998
no matter what you've done and
no matter what you’ve become,

789
00:39:32,999 --> 00:39:34,879
God still loves you.

790
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,919
And that was the beginning
of our turnaround

791
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,194
because I had always thought that

792
00:39:38,195 --> 00:39:41,694
I had done too much wrong
for God to ever forgive me.

793
00:39:41,695 --> 00:39:43,784
I'd hurt too many people.

794
00:39:43,785 --> 00:39:46,389
I got too many people
strung out on drugs.

795
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:50,238
Some of the women who
were prostituting,

796
00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,329
and I blamed that on myself
because I got them strung out.

797
00:39:53,330 --> 00:39:55,369
And now they are strong out and are

798
00:39:55,370 --> 00:39:58,064
prostituting because I
got them strung out.

799
00:39:58,065 --> 00:40:02,474
It's a folk who had OD’d and died
because I started them on drugs.

800
00:40:02,475 --> 00:40:05,730
So I'd done too much wrong
for God to forgive me.

801
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,729
Reverend Hodges said, “No
matter what you've done,

802
00:40:21,730 --> 00:40:25,049
God still loves you.”

803
00:40:25,050 --> 00:40:32,940
That was the beginning of my turn around.

804
00:40:33,730 --> 00:40:40,719
That's what did it. I surround

805
00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:43,870
myself with people who
hold me accountable.

806
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,218
Dr. Ronald Bobo,
pastor of this church,

807
00:40:48,219 --> 00:40:50,603
has been my pastor for 23,

808
00:40:50,604 --> 00:40:53,744
25, 20 something years.

809
00:40:53,745 --> 00:40:58,099
One of the people who
holds me accountable.

810
00:40:58,100 --> 00:41:00,029
He knows my life, he knows my story.

811
00:41:00,030 --> 00:41:01,564
He knows everything about me.

812
00:41:01,565 --> 00:41:04,174
He's the one who put me
over the prison ministry.

813
00:41:04,175 --> 00:41:06,888
It was sometimes that

814
00:41:06,889 --> 00:41:10,994
I got weak and slipped for
one reason or another.

815
00:41:10,995 --> 00:41:16,669
Like when my mother
passed and I was falling

816
00:41:16,670 --> 00:41:19,828
into some stuff that

817
00:41:19,829 --> 00:41:23,193
I was going to have me going
back to that lifestyle,

818
00:41:23,194 --> 00:41:26,609
and he had his arm around me.

819
00:41:26,610 --> 00:41:27,639
Let me know that,

820
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:29,629
nah, you ain't got to do that.

821
00:41:29,630 --> 00:41:32,719
I got you. And not just him,

822
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:34,990
other folk in the church here.

823
00:41:35,770 --> 00:41:38,528
And so you got to surround
yourself with people,

824
00:41:38,529 --> 00:41:41,229
with positive people
who got your back.

825
00:41:41,230 --> 00:41:46,244
And they're not always going to
tell you stuff you want to hear.

826
00:41:46,245 --> 00:41:48,709
They'll tell you stuff
you need to hear.

827
00:41:48,710 --> 00:41:52,954
And you gotta be able to
accept that and listen to it.

828
00:41:52,955 --> 00:41:54,699
That's what keeps me going.

829
00:41:54,700 --> 00:41:57,799
My pastor and my church for church,

830
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,504
family and my family as well.

831
00:42:01,505 --> 00:42:04,483
My niece, Christine,
my cousin, Patrice,

832
00:42:04,484 --> 00:42:08,154
they, those kinds of people
I need to be around.

833
00:42:08,155 --> 00:42:10,079
Cause I was saying,
when I left Chicago,

834
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:11,558
when I left Chicago,

835
00:42:11,559 --> 00:42:14,850
I left to get away
from that lifestyle.

836
00:42:16,740 --> 00:42:20,358
Growing up, I'd always
heard my parents say,

837
00:42:20,359 --> 00:42:21,849
“stay away from so-and-so.

838
00:42:21,850 --> 00:42:26,504
Don't go around so-and-so.”
I had gotten to be so-and-so.

839
00:42:26,505 --> 00:42:28,758
What people were
telling their children

840
00:42:28,759 --> 00:42:30,439
to stay away from.
“Stay away from Bub.

841
00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:34,609
Let's stay away from
Barr. Stay away from him.

842
00:42:34,610 --> 00:42:35,833
You don't want to end up like him,

843
00:42:35,834 --> 00:42:38,328
stay away from him.”

844
00:42:38,329 --> 00:42:39,718
And I was that person that

845
00:42:39,719 --> 00:42:41,439
everybody was telling the
kids to stay away from.

846
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,759
And so when I decided,

847
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:46,273
no it's time for me to leave,

848
00:42:46,274 --> 00:42:48,339
I knew that the only
way was to get out of,

849
00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:50,949
not just out of the neighborhood
I had… I left Chicago.

850
00:42:50,950 --> 00:42:52,194
I came to St. Louis.

851
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:55,394
The thing is, there’s
drugs and St. Louis too.

852
00:42:55,395 --> 00:42:57,529
So that wasn't gonna
solve the problem,

853
00:42:57,530 --> 00:42:58,864
just leaving St. Louis.

854
00:42:58,865 --> 00:43:02,123
I had to leave the kind of people,

855
00:43:02,124 --> 00:43:04,239
cause the same kind
of people were here,

856
00:43:04,240 --> 00:43:07,989
were in St. Louis, or Chicago rather.

857
00:43:07,990 --> 00:43:12,179
But when I got here, I
didn't seek them out.

858
00:43:12,180 --> 00:43:16,960
And when that element
came toward me now,

859
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:21,354
I didn't fall into that trap here.

860
00:43:21,355 --> 00:43:23,359
Even before I got into church,

861
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:25,468
and when I got into church
and Pastor Bobo heard

862
00:43:25,469 --> 00:43:29,724
my testimony, people accepted me.

863
00:43:29,725 --> 00:43:32,269
People expected to something from me.

864
00:43:32,270 --> 00:43:34,669
My friend, Ron Cohen,

865
00:43:34,940 --> 00:43:38,884
he was a professional drug counselor.

866
00:43:38,885 --> 00:43:41,198
And it was sometimes, you know,

867
00:43:41,199 --> 00:43:43,453
like when I started drinking,
cause when my mother,

868
00:43:43,454 --> 00:43:45,323
when I was going through
that stuff with my mother,

869
00:43:45,324 --> 00:43:48,980
I blamed my mother's death on myself.

870
00:43:49,530 --> 00:43:53,579
And he held me accountable.

871
00:43:53,580 --> 00:43:58,209
He taught and it was other
folk from the church.

872
00:43:58,210 --> 00:44:01,294
When I started straying
away at one point,

873
00:44:01,295 --> 00:44:04,914
I kind of disappeared and
they wouldn't let me do that.

874
00:44:04,915 --> 00:44:08,489
If they didn't see me in
church after a few weeks,

875
00:44:08,490 --> 00:44:11,403
they were in my house or
they were calling me,

876
00:44:11,404 --> 00:44:14,099
“Man, you all right?” Okay,
that's what I'm talking about.

877
00:44:14,100 --> 00:44:16,574
You’ve got to have people
who care about you.

878
00:44:16,575 --> 00:44:20,604
And I found that this
is what worked for me.

879
00:44:20,605 --> 00:44:22,429
You got to find what works for you.

880
00:44:22,430 --> 00:44:25,539
So as the saying goes,
“Different strokes for different folks.”

881
00:44:25,540 --> 00:44:27,739
This is what worked
for me. This was my stroke.

882
00:44:27,740 --> 00:44:29,749
Whether you're talking

883
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:32,679
about in the 12 step
movement or churches,

884
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:35,669
you don't not, you don't
do this by yourself.

885
00:44:35,670 --> 00:44:40,959
You always have people that
are like-minded around you.

886
00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,234
So you have support.

887
00:44:43,235 --> 00:44:45,694
You have an accountability partner,

888
00:44:45,695 --> 00:44:47,379
James five 16 says,

889
00:44:47,380 --> 00:44:49,374
confess your faults one to another,

890
00:44:49,375 --> 00:44:51,479
let yourself be open
to somebody and say,

891
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,204
look, I'm struggling right now.

892
00:44:53,205 --> 00:44:55,149
But let that person is not

893
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:57,608
somebody who's going to,
co-sign your insanity,

894
00:44:57,609 --> 00:44:59,928
but somebody who's going
to support you and

895
00:44:59,929 --> 00:45:03,719
strengthen you and tell you
to hold on and pray for you.

896
00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:08,934
For those people who
are tempted to try it.

897
00:45:08,935 --> 00:45:14,333
I would only say that the

898
00:45:14,334 --> 00:45:17,948
devil… That getting out of

899
00:45:17,949 --> 00:45:22,540
something always costs more
than getting into something.

900
00:45:23,340 --> 00:45:28,008
You know, certainly
there are people who

901
00:45:28,009 --> 00:45:32,964
can have a couple of drinks and stop.

902
00:45:32,965 --> 00:45:36,273
There are people who can smoke one

903
00:45:36,274 --> 00:45:41,024
joint or blunt or whatever
the terminology is and stop.

904
00:45:41,025 --> 00:45:44,709
But there's also people who,

905
00:45:44,710 --> 00:45:47,964
once they start trying
something they're

906
00:45:47,965 --> 00:45:52,078
hooked and you don't
know which one you are,

907
00:45:52,079 --> 00:45:55,564
you won't know which one you
are until it's too late.

908
00:45:55,565 --> 00:46:01,964
The drug issues didn't come
about until later on in life.

909
00:46:01,965 --> 00:46:04,938
And when we first met each other,

910
00:46:04,939 --> 00:46:07,684
I don't believe he
was in drugs at all.

911
00:46:07,685 --> 00:46:12,098
I believe it was
after the 35 years of

912
00:46:12,099 --> 00:46:16,339
not seeing each other and not
communicating with each other,

913
00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:18,559
that his life took a spin.

914
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:22,188
And when he told me about it,

915
00:46:22,189 --> 00:46:24,893
I was a little taken aback

916
00:46:24,894 --> 00:46:27,478
because I was like a
little afraid at first,

917
00:46:27,479 --> 00:46:29,049
but I started listening to him and I

918
00:46:29,050 --> 00:46:31,249
did have true compassion for him.

919
00:46:31,250 --> 00:46:34,234
I was… Before I left Chicago,

920
00:46:34,235 --> 00:46:38,654
I remember was in November of 1991.

921
00:46:38,655 --> 00:46:45,164
I was on my way to a drug house
in Chicago when Sunday morning.

922
00:46:45,165 --> 00:46:49,779
And I went in and bought a bag
of heroin and a bag of cocaine.

923
00:46:49,780 --> 00:46:54,129
It was a church across the
street from the drug house.

924
00:46:54,130 --> 00:46:55,944
Matter of fact, there
were two churches

925
00:46:55,945 --> 00:46:58,259
right there on that corner.

926
00:46:58,260 --> 00:47:02,849
And I remember walking back
past the church with drugs.

927
00:47:02,850 --> 00:47:05,759
It was a little, it was
drizzling then, light rain,

928
00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:10,404
and it was a sermon that was
being preached inside the church.

929
00:47:10,405 --> 00:47:11,544
The door was open.

930
00:47:11,545 --> 00:47:16,484
I don't know why, but I can
hear parts of the sermon.

931
00:47:16,485 --> 00:47:17,848
I can hear the sermon
was being preached,

932
00:47:17,849 --> 00:47:22,368
it was about a Prodigal
Son, and the sermon,

933
00:47:22,369 --> 00:47:24,249
it was getting to me.

934
00:47:24,250 --> 00:47:26,489
I knew the story cause I had

935
00:47:26,490 --> 00:47:29,359
preached that sermon
myself several times,

936
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:32,010
you know, before I left the church.

937
00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:36,614
And so, but anyway, it
was different then.

938
00:47:36,615 --> 00:47:37,759
And I sat there.

939
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:41,058
It was raining out and I had drugs
in my hand, heroin and cocaine,

940
00:47:41,059 --> 00:47:44,644
and I sat on the steps
and listen to the sermon,

941
00:47:44,645 --> 00:47:46,654
and it hit me.

942
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:49,653
And I was saying,

943
00:47:49,654 --> 00:47:53,694
“Lord, I'm so sorry for the
life that I’ve been living.

944
00:47:53,695 --> 00:47:56,328
Please forgive me for the life I've

945
00:47:56,329 --> 00:48:00,304
been living.” And I threw the drugs

946
00:48:00,305 --> 00:48:08,123
away and I walked away from
the drugs that never went,

947
00:48:08,124 --> 00:48:09,698
well I can't say I
never went back because

948
00:48:09,699 --> 00:48:12,334
a month later I had relapsed.

949
00:48:12,335 --> 00:48:17,679
But that was when I quit.

950
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:21,029
I remember I was telling
you about Reverend Hodges.

951
00:48:21,030 --> 00:48:22,669
This was in '85.

952
00:48:22,670 --> 00:48:25,348
And I told you before about
how sometimes someone

953
00:48:25,349 --> 00:48:28,124
plants a seed and then
later on, it’s watered.

954
00:48:28,125 --> 00:48:32,188
Even though Reverend Hodges
planted that seed back in 1985,

955
00:48:32,189 --> 00:48:34,214
it wasn't till 1991.

956
00:48:34,215 --> 00:48:36,068
When I was going through this,

957
00:48:36,069 --> 00:48:39,553
this real backhand of
my drug addiction,

958
00:48:39,554 --> 00:48:42,124
that it really hit home.

959
00:48:42,125 --> 00:48:44,439
And then it capped off by hearing

960
00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:48,190
that sermon in the rain
that Sunday morning.

961
00:48:48,240 --> 00:48:51,679
And then that's what
was when I decided,

962
00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:56,239
no, I can't do this
anymore, and so I quit.

963
00:48:56,240 --> 00:48:57,929
I put my faith in God.

964
00:48:57,930 --> 00:48:59,558
God is the one that delivered me

965
00:48:59,559 --> 00:49:01,734
from the drugs in the
first place, it wasn't me.

966
00:49:01,735 --> 00:49:03,308
It was God who delivered me,

967
00:49:03,309 --> 00:49:05,624
so I trust in him

968
00:49:05,625 --> 00:49:10,129
to get me over any rough spots
in life that I'm going through.

969
00:49:10,130 --> 00:49:12,358
Again, it’s surrounding yourself with

970
00:49:12,359 --> 00:49:15,139
people who will hold you accountable,

971
00:49:15,140 --> 00:49:16,804
people who love you.

972
00:49:16,805 --> 00:49:20,008
When I messed up, I slipped
back the first time,

973
00:49:20,009 --> 00:49:22,384
cause I was clean for maybe a month.

974
00:49:22,385 --> 00:49:25,040
And I was thinking that I could

975
00:49:25,050 --> 00:49:30,293
go and be around the same folks
that I used to hang out with,

976
00:49:30,294 --> 00:49:33,019
and it wouldn't affect me.

977
00:49:33,020 --> 00:49:39,009
Not true. I remember when I
was taking flute lessons,

978
00:49:39,010 --> 00:49:40,834
when I was living in San Diego.

979
00:49:40,835 --> 00:49:42,489
I was a jazz fan.

980
00:49:42,490 --> 00:49:44,433
I wanted to play like Herbie Mann and

981
00:49:44,434 --> 00:49:47,074
Hubert Laws and Yusef Lateef.

982
00:49:47,075 --> 00:49:51,604
And I started taking flute
lessons every Saturday.

983
00:49:51,605 --> 00:49:54,948
After a couple of weeks of lessons,

984
00:49:54,949 --> 00:49:59,458
I remember on one of
Herbie Mann's albums,

985
00:49:59,459 --> 00:50:00,799
it was pictures of him
playing the flute.

986
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:02,979
And he's his hands,

987
00:50:02,980 --> 00:50:05,188
his fingers were going way up
and down, way up and down,

988
00:50:05,189 --> 00:50:08,528
and so when I was taking that lesson,

989
00:50:08,529 --> 00:50:09,889
I was doing the same thing.

990
00:50:09,890 --> 00:50:13,294
My fingers are going to
weigh up off of the keys,

991
00:50:13,295 --> 00:50:15,419
and my teacher told
me, you can't do that.

992
00:50:15,420 --> 00:50:16,913
You gotta have your fingers right

993
00:50:16,914 --> 00:50:18,929
on the keys and just
play them like that,

994
00:50:18,930 --> 00:50:20,873
but I was saying, “Now Herbie Mann…

995
00:50:20,874 --> 00:50:22,798
I saw a picture of Herbie Mann,

996
00:50:22,799 --> 00:50:26,274
now his fingers were way up
off the thing!” He said, “No,

997
00:50:26,275 --> 00:50:28,194
you have to have your fingers close.”

998
00:50:28,195 --> 00:50:30,804
Now I wanted to do like Herbie man,

999
00:50:30,805 --> 00:50:32,453
but like the thing was,

1000
00:50:32,454 --> 00:50:36,059
Herbie Mann been playing was
playing flute for decades,

1001
00:50:36,060 --> 00:50:38,429
I was playing for a week or two.

1002
00:50:38,430 --> 00:50:41,288
So the point I'm trying to say is,

1003
00:50:41,289 --> 00:50:43,939
I couldn't do the same
stuff he was doing

1004
00:50:43,940 --> 00:50:45,404
because he was experienced

1005
00:50:45,405 --> 00:50:46,729
at it and had been
doing it for a while,

1006
00:50:46,730 --> 00:50:48,829
so he can let his fingers fly around.

1007
00:50:48,830 --> 00:50:50,739
I'm just starting this thing.

1008
00:50:50,740 --> 00:50:56,609
So it's the same thing with someone
who is trying to be drug free,

1009
00:50:56,650 --> 00:50:58,904
what happened was, okay,

1010
00:50:58,905 --> 00:51:01,028
I've been clean for a
month and I thought that I

1011
00:51:01,029 --> 00:51:03,288
can go around folk who
were still using it,

1012
00:51:03,289 --> 00:51:04,459
and it won't affect me.

1013
00:51:04,460 --> 00:51:06,669
No, it don’t happened that way.

1014
00:51:06,670 --> 00:51:10,728
I can now, because I've
been clean for decades,

1015
00:51:10,729 --> 00:51:13,409
but back then, I'd been
clean for a week or two.

1016
00:51:13,410 --> 00:51:16,674
And so, no, surround
yourself with folk

1017
00:51:16,675 --> 00:51:20,639
who are not living in that lifestyle,

1018
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:24,209
you have a better chance of being
successful in your recovery.

1019
00:51:24,210 --> 00:51:25,828
You know when you,

1020
00:51:25,829 --> 00:51:27,399
when you grew up in

1021
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:31,588
the streets or been in
the streets for so long,

1022
00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:35,109
that's what you know, and
then to come out of that,

1023
00:51:35,110 --> 00:51:38,159
it's almost like a whole new world.

1024
00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:40,698
Like what, you know,

1025
00:51:40,699 --> 00:51:44,019
and then those old
insecurities kick in.

1026
00:51:44,020 --> 00:51:47,979
And then we tried it to cope
because we cope with drugs.

1027
00:51:47,980 --> 00:51:50,899
You know, that that was our
coping mechanism, you know?

1028
00:51:50,900 --> 00:51:53,059
So whenever it costs,
as long as we live,

1029
00:51:53,060 --> 00:51:54,208
it's going to be problems,

1030
00:51:54,209 --> 00:51:55,964
it's going to be disappointments.

1031
00:51:55,965 --> 00:51:59,148
It's going to be violence you know,

1032
00:51:59,149 --> 00:52:03,314
in the way we used to cope
with it was to go in use.

1033
00:52:03,315 --> 00:52:07,999
You know, God gives us another
alternative, a better alternative.

1034
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:11,554
The 121st Psalm,

1035
00:52:11,555 --> 00:52:14,873
I remember when I was deep
into my addiction, my father,

1036
00:52:14,874 --> 00:52:19,144
one day, he told me to read
that scripture every day.

1037
00:52:19,145 --> 00:52:21,754
And I did, it was 121st Psalm.

1038
00:52:21,755 --> 00:52:23,738
I would lift up my eyes to the hills,

1039
00:52:23,739 --> 00:52:26,864
my help comes from the Lord
who made heaven and earth.

1040
00:52:26,865 --> 00:52:29,713
And going on… and I
remember every morning

1041
00:52:29,714 --> 00:52:34,214
before I would go to do anything,

1042
00:52:34,215 --> 00:52:36,468
my Bible was always on

1043
00:52:36,469 --> 00:52:39,630
the dresser and it was
open to that scripture.

1044
00:52:40,420 --> 00:52:43,499
And I remember a
couple of times there

1045
00:52:43,500 --> 00:52:45,699
was friends of mine who
come up to my room,

1046
00:52:45,700 --> 00:52:47,709
we getting ready to
shoot up and get high.

1047
00:52:47,710 --> 00:52:49,439
And they wanted to close the Bible.

1048
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:50,618
No, don't touch the Bible,

1049
00:52:50,619 --> 00:52:52,479
leave that Bible open right there.

1050
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:56,159
You know? Cause that
was just a thing.

1051
00:52:56,160 --> 00:53:00,014
It was something my father… I
felt like my father gave me that.

1052
00:53:00,015 --> 00:53:06,954
And so that's my
scripture, 121st Psalm.

1053
00:53:06,955 --> 00:53:08,419
And I remember when I was in

1054
00:53:08,420 --> 00:53:10,518
the prison and I forgot
which one I was in,

1055
00:53:10,519 --> 00:53:12,469
I think it was Centralia.

1056
00:53:12,470 --> 00:53:15,028
It was after I had,

1057
00:53:15,029 --> 00:53:18,109
it was after incidence
with Reverend Hodges.

1058
00:53:18,110 --> 00:53:23,028
I was walking around the prison
yard one day by myself and I was

1059
00:53:23,029 --> 00:53:29,228
praying and I heard the
voice of God clearer,

1060
00:53:29,229 --> 00:53:31,404
or as clear as I've ever heard Him.

1061
00:53:31,405 --> 00:53:33,459
He said, just like I said,

1062
00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:36,064
Reverend Hodges into the
prison to rescue you,

1063
00:53:36,065 --> 00:53:37,489
I'm going to send you back into

1064
00:53:37,490 --> 00:53:39,629
the prison to rescue
my other children.

1065
00:53:39,630 --> 00:53:41,599
And at that time I wasn't preaching,

1066
00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:46,054
I was still in prison
myself, but He said that.

1067
00:53:46,055 --> 00:53:49,069
And so I wouldn't feeling it,

1068
00:53:49,070 --> 00:53:50,628
cause I wouldn't even understanding

1069
00:53:50,629 --> 00:53:52,834
it because I wasn't a preacher.

1070
00:53:52,835 --> 00:53:55,194
I wasn't even back
in church, for real.

1071
00:53:55,195 --> 00:53:57,103
I mean, not on the outside anyway,

1072
00:53:57,104 --> 00:54:00,229
but then that's what happened.

1073
00:54:00,230 --> 00:54:03,844
And being clean, I'm
able to do stuff.

1074
00:54:03,845 --> 00:54:06,120
I'm able to help people.

1075
00:54:06,610 --> 00:54:09,628
I'm able to help other folks who are

1076
00:54:09,629 --> 00:54:12,344
going through the same
stuff that I went through.

1077
00:54:12,345 --> 00:54:14,939
I can help them to get
past their addictions.

1078
00:54:14,940 --> 00:54:17,774
I can give them advice.

1079
00:54:17,775 --> 00:54:22,519
A lot of times what people need
when they come out of prison,

1080
00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,254
a lot of people are in jail,

1081
00:54:24,255 --> 00:54:26,664
in prisons because of drug addiction.

1082
00:54:26,665 --> 00:54:28,434
A lot of them were not really,

1083
00:54:28,435 --> 00:54:29,654
they're not bad people.

1084
00:54:29,655 --> 00:54:32,819
They did some dumb stuff
because they were addicted.

1085
00:54:32,820 --> 00:54:35,374
And so if we can help
them get past that point,

1086
00:54:35,375 --> 00:54:38,529
then we can help them do a
lot of other things in life.

1087
00:54:38,530 --> 00:54:40,364
My biggest regret is

1088
00:54:40,365 --> 00:54:43,134
the hurt and the pain
that I caused my family,

1089
00:54:43,135 --> 00:54:45,989
that I was always going to jail.

1090
00:54:45,990 --> 00:54:52,974
My family had so much hope for
me, and I disappointed them.

1091
00:54:52,975 --> 00:54:55,739
At first, when I was
doing criminal stuff,

1092
00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:58,349
I was… I called myself
“Nickel Slick” you know.

1093
00:54:58,350 --> 00:55:01,059
I was able to talk folk out of stuff,

1094
00:55:01,090 --> 00:55:04,628
but when it came down toward the end,

1095
00:55:04,629 --> 00:55:09,423
the way that I used to
make money by ripping off

1096
00:55:09,424 --> 00:55:12,324
other drug dealers and ripping off

1097
00:55:12,325 --> 00:55:15,684
banks and stores and doing all
of that, and that was fine.

1098
00:55:15,685 --> 00:55:17,830
I got to a point where

1099
00:55:18,070 --> 00:55:21,469
I wasn't making money off
of the dealers anymore.

1100
00:55:21,470 --> 00:55:24,479
I wasn't ripping off the banks

1101
00:55:24,480 --> 00:55:27,469
or the stores or the businesses
and all of that anymore,

1102
00:55:27,470 --> 00:55:30,013
I was ripping off my people,

1103
00:55:30,014 --> 00:55:36,008
my family, the church,

1104
00:55:36,009 --> 00:55:38,944
my father's church, my aunt’s church.

1105
00:55:38,945 --> 00:55:44,264
And that was something that before,

1106
00:55:44,265 --> 00:55:47,120
a long time ago, would
have been unacceptable.

1107
00:55:48,650 --> 00:55:52,874
I was no longer that
slick talking con-man,

1108
00:55:52,875 --> 00:55:55,213
now I was just a drug addict,

1109
00:55:55,214 --> 00:55:57,769
a dope fiend who would
steal anything from

1110
00:55:57,770 --> 00:56:01,029
anybody to support my habit.

1111
00:56:01,030 --> 00:56:03,660
And looking back on that,

1112
00:56:04,100 --> 00:56:06,893
that was the beginning
of where I said,

1113
00:56:06,894 --> 00:56:13,144
“Okay, this has gone too far.”
That was my rock bottom.

1114
00:56:13,145 --> 00:56:17,883
When I started… When I was stealing
from family the way I was,

1115
00:56:17,884 --> 00:56:20,853
and I was hurting
family the way I was,

1116
00:56:20,854 --> 00:56:23,984
that I couldn't… That
was unacceptable to me.

1117
00:56:23,985 --> 00:56:27,619
I never stopped believing,
stopped believing in God.

1118
00:56:27,620 --> 00:56:31,913
And I know that looking
back on things,

1119
00:56:31,914 --> 00:56:39,879
that stuff that I thought that
I was able to accomplish,

1120
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:43,299
even during those
times… Case in point,

1121
00:56:43,300 --> 00:56:46,648
when I was in prison, it

1122
00:56:46,649 --> 00:56:50,309
was a lot of guys that were
getting messed over, messed up.

1123
00:56:50,310 --> 00:56:53,478
People getting shanked,
people getting raped,

1124
00:56:53,479 --> 00:56:55,854
people… Stuff was
happening in a folk,

1125
00:56:55,855 --> 00:56:58,019
but nothing ever happened to me.

1126
00:56:58,020 --> 00:57:00,199
And I thought it was because
of the way I carried myself.

1127
00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:02,159
I thought I was carrying
myself with an aura of, “Okay.

1128
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:05,988
Don't mess with me.” But
thinking back on it,

1129
00:57:05,989 --> 00:57:08,219
I realized it was God
had his hand on me.

1130
00:57:08,220 --> 00:57:11,504
It wasn't how I carried
myself or what I was doing.

1131
00:57:11,505 --> 00:57:13,134
It had nothing to do with that.

1132
00:57:13,135 --> 00:57:16,679
Nothing happened to me because
God had his hand on me,

1133
00:57:16,680 --> 00:57:19,528
because it was guys that
were bigger, tougher,

1134
00:57:19,529 --> 00:57:21,629
stronger than I was,

1135
00:57:21,630 --> 00:57:23,584
who was getting messed up,

1136
00:57:23,585 --> 00:57:25,334
but nothing happened to me,

1137
00:57:25,335 --> 00:57:27,619
and it wasn't because of
me. It was because of God.

1138
00:57:27,620 --> 00:57:33,888
I was heard of last
December, December 5th,

1139
00:57:33,889 --> 00:57:36,613
working for cellular city refuge,

1140
00:57:36,614 --> 00:57:41,299
South city over here and I
attracted blood poisoning.

1141
00:57:41,300 --> 00:57:44,138
In the next 24 hours,

1142
00:57:44,139 --> 00:57:48,398
I was crushed by a 500
yard waste dumpster

1143
00:57:48,399 --> 00:57:51,904
and lacerated three fingers,

1144
00:57:51,905 --> 00:57:54,198
broke my shoulder, my knee,

1145
00:57:54,199 --> 00:57:56,024
my ankle and so on.

1146
00:57:56,025 --> 00:58:02,879
I wind up self-medicating
while I was on the job,

1147
00:58:02,880 --> 00:58:07,218
going through rehab for

1148
00:58:07,219 --> 00:58:12,698
the injury and it was so gratifying
to bring the new year in,

1149
00:58:12,699 --> 00:58:14,849
and I couldn't even
wipe my own backside.

1150
00:58:14,850 --> 00:58:16,988
One hand was infected with

1151
00:58:16,989 --> 00:58:20,358
blood poisoning and other three
fingers had been sawed off,

1152
00:58:20,359 --> 00:58:22,678
but you would think
that was God's way of

1153
00:58:22,679 --> 00:58:24,984
telling me to slow down. I never did.

1154
00:58:24,985 --> 00:58:28,449
I walked away from my
job with the city.

1155
00:58:28,450 --> 00:58:31,138
I walked away from a house,

1156
00:58:31,139 --> 00:58:34,859
a good woman who held
me up and held me down,

1157
00:58:34,860 --> 00:58:38,080
but she didn't deserve
what I gave her.

1158
00:58:38,550 --> 00:58:41,909
Each time, I would
revisit those demons.

1159
00:58:41,910 --> 00:58:44,743
I would bring those demons
into her life as well,

1160
00:58:44,744 --> 00:58:46,399
which she deserved better.

1161
00:58:46,400 --> 00:58:49,249
I don't miss anything
about the life.

1162
00:58:49,250 --> 00:58:53,468
That was a life that I
thought that I liked,

1163
00:58:53,469 --> 00:58:55,838
that I was enjoying
while I was doing it,

1164
00:58:55,839 --> 00:58:57,919
but looking back on that,

1165
00:58:57,920 --> 00:59:00,174
there's nothing that
I miss about that.

1166
00:59:00,175 --> 00:59:04,404
I do miss some of the people
that I was associated with,

1167
00:59:04,405 --> 00:59:06,484
some of my friends at the time.

1168
00:59:06,485 --> 00:59:09,819
I think about some of
them from time to time,

1169
00:59:09,820 --> 00:59:13,039
but I knew that if I really
wanted to stay away from

1170
00:59:13,040 --> 00:59:15,923
that lifestyle and get away from
the drugs and get away from that,

1171
00:59:15,924 --> 00:59:17,879
I had to separate myself from them.

1172
00:59:17,880 --> 00:59:22,869
And that's why I left and
I stayed away from them.

1173
00:59:22,870 --> 00:59:24,224
And that whole lifestyle,

1174
00:59:24,225 --> 00:59:28,529
a lot of them I haven't
seen for over 20 years.

1175
00:59:28,530 --> 00:59:32,349
My friend Red was first
person I was arrested with,

1176
00:59:32,350 --> 00:59:37,219
they found him at a hotel
room with his throat cut.

1177
00:59:37,220 --> 00:59:38,674
And then there was a Butch,

1178
00:59:38,675 --> 00:59:40,959
a friend of mine that I grew up with.

1179
00:59:40,960 --> 00:59:44,039
We used to get high together.

1180
00:59:44,040 --> 00:59:45,784
He overdosed.

1181
00:59:45,785 --> 00:59:49,999
They found him dead
from a drug overdose.

1182
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:57,699
My friend Fuzzy, Fuzzy
was a long time friend,

1183
00:59:57,700 --> 00:59:59,578
and matter of fact, I'm the
one that started him to

1184
00:59:59,579 --> 01:00:01,884
shoot heroin and cocaine.

1185
01:00:01,885 --> 01:00:04,584
Just like Tadpole started
me, I started Fuzzy.

1186
01:00:04,585 --> 01:00:06,808
Tadpole was the first one who
stuck a needle in my arm,

1187
01:00:06,809 --> 01:00:09,874
I was the first one who stuck
a needle in Fuzzy's arm.

1188
01:00:09,875 --> 01:00:12,418
And I found out that I heard one day

1189
01:00:12,419 --> 01:00:20,239
that Fuzzy’s grandmother
found him in his bedroom,

1190
01:00:20,240 --> 01:00:24,214
laying on the floor, dead
with a needle in his arm.

1191
01:00:24,215 --> 01:00:26,899
That hurt a lot,

1192
01:00:26,900 --> 01:00:30,454
when I found out about
my friend Fuzzy.

1193
01:00:30,455 --> 01:00:36,649
But that's the dangers
of the drug life.

1194
01:00:36,650 --> 01:00:39,969
There are others that
I've heard about.

1195
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,144
They're doing quite well now,

1196
01:00:43,145 --> 01:00:47,224
one was my friend Tadpole,

1197
01:00:47,225 --> 01:00:49,698
as I said before,
Tadpole was one of the

1198
01:00:49,699 --> 01:00:51,359
first to stick a needle in my arm.

1199
01:00:51,360 --> 01:00:53,814
We got high together for years,

1200
01:00:53,815 --> 01:00:55,858
and it was on one of my visits to

1201
01:00:55,859 --> 01:00:59,268
Chicago that I was
talking to Tadpole,

1202
01:00:59,269 --> 01:01:01,179
and I was able to
lead them to Christ.

1203
01:01:01,180 --> 01:01:05,568
Sometime later Tadpole gave
up the drugs, even after 20,

1204
01:01:05,569 --> 01:01:07,879
30-something years of doing drugs,

1205
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:12,329
he was delivered from that lifestyle.

1206
01:01:12,330 --> 01:01:18,179
And he was clean for well over
15 years before he passed.

1207
01:01:18,180 --> 01:01:19,854
He died last year,

1208
01:01:19,855 --> 01:01:21,649
I preached his funeral,

1209
01:01:21,650 --> 01:01:22,838
but at least I know

1210
01:01:22,839 --> 01:01:28,739
that he had better quality of
life during all of that time.

1211
01:01:28,740 --> 01:01:33,294
I was arrested when… I went
to jail one time and I said,

1212
01:01:33,295 --> 01:01:36,159
“Man, I am so tired of going to jail.

1213
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:40,059
I'm tired of going to jail!”
And then I said,

1214
01:01:40,060 --> 01:01:43,318
“I wonder how many times I've
been locked up?” And I started

1215
01:01:43,319 --> 01:01:47,458
counting and I started counting
and I started counting then,

1216
01:01:47,459 --> 01:01:50,714
when I got to 30, I stopped counting.

1217
01:01:50,715 --> 01:01:54,739
I got depressed when I got to 30
and I wasn't finished though,

1218
01:01:54,740 --> 01:01:56,239
I still had some others,
I just quit counting.

1219
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:57,723
And to answer your question,

1220
01:01:57,724 --> 01:01:59,924
I don't know how many times I’ve
been arrested. I don’t know.

1221
01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:01,919
I know it was more than 30.

1222
01:02:01,920 --> 01:02:03,963
And I remember even now,

1223
01:02:03,964 --> 01:02:05,328
when I’m doing up
the prison ministry,

1224
01:02:05,329 --> 01:02:07,439
it was one of the prisons that I

1225
01:02:07,440 --> 01:02:10,169
was putting an application
to, to go do ministry.

1226
01:02:10,170 --> 01:02:12,508
And I fill out an application
and then when they did

1227
01:02:12,509 --> 01:02:14,999
the background, check on me,

1228
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:16,908
they called me in to see if they had

1229
01:02:16,909 --> 01:02:18,589
to deny my application because I

1230
01:02:18,590 --> 01:02:22,264
didn't list all of my
arrests on the application.

1231
01:02:22,265 --> 01:02:24,619
I said, “I don't know
of all my arrests.

1232
01:02:24,620 --> 01:02:26,869
Most of the time I was
high when I got arrested,

1233
01:02:26,870 --> 01:02:28,084
I didn't even know I was arrested!

1234
01:02:28,085 --> 01:02:32,098
I don't know.” So to
answer your question,

1235
01:02:32,099 --> 01:02:33,979
I've been arrested over 30 times.

1236
01:02:33,980 --> 01:02:36,243
I've been to prison three times,

1237
01:02:36,244 --> 01:02:39,874
twice I was sentenced and one
was on a parole violation.

1238
01:02:39,875 --> 01:02:43,024
But when you asked how many
times I've been arrested,

1239
01:02:43,025 --> 01:02:45,224
all I can say was more than 30.

1240
01:02:45,225 --> 01:02:51,134
God might tell you to go in a
certain direction and you say,

1241
01:02:51,135 --> 01:02:53,044
“I don't know about that.” You know,

1242
01:02:53,045 --> 01:02:56,089
but you have to trust Him.

1243
01:02:56,090 --> 01:02:59,914
Example. When I was in the
Marines, I played football.

1244
01:02:59,915 --> 01:03:02,718
The quarterback would
call the play and

1245
01:03:02,719 --> 01:03:05,778
then I was supposed to be
running down the field,

1246
01:03:05,779 --> 01:03:07,219
and I had blockers.

1247
01:03:07,220 --> 01:03:10,534
I had blockers who was supposed
to be blocking for me.

1248
01:03:10,535 --> 01:03:14,694
But the play was I supposed
to go to the right.

1249
01:03:14,695 --> 01:03:17,174
And when I get ready
to go to the right,

1250
01:03:17,175 --> 01:03:19,218
I look up and I see all
those folks over there,

1251
01:03:19,219 --> 01:03:21,124
I said, “Nah, I don't
want to go that way.

1252
01:03:21,125 --> 01:03:23,979
That don't look good.”
So I'm going the other way,

1253
01:03:23,980 --> 01:03:26,454
but the play was called
for me to go to the right.

1254
01:03:26,455 --> 01:03:30,204
So all the blockers are set
up to block on the right,

1255
01:03:30,205 --> 01:03:32,209
but I don't like what
I'm seeing on the right.

1256
01:03:32,210 --> 01:03:34,559
It looks better down the left,

1257
01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:36,284
so I'm going to the left.

1258
01:03:36,285 --> 01:03:37,879
And that's what happened
with us sometimes.

1259
01:03:37,880 --> 01:03:41,479
God has a plan for us

1260
01:03:41,480 --> 01:03:45,179
to go one way but we don't
like what we see that way,

1261
01:03:45,180 --> 01:03:47,134
so now we want to, “No,
I want to do that.

1262
01:03:47,135 --> 01:03:49,688
I'm going this way.”
But you’ve got to trust

1263
01:03:49,689 --> 01:03:53,064
God that he knows what's happening.

1264
01:03:53,065 --> 01:03:54,859
He told you to go that way because he

1265
01:03:54,860 --> 01:03:56,688
knows what it was over there,

1266
01:03:56,689 --> 01:03:58,579
“Oh, that looks alright, right now.

1267
01:03:58,580 --> 01:04:00,494
But when you get over there,

1268
01:04:00,495 --> 01:04:01,993
then there's something over there

1269
01:04:01,994 --> 01:04:04,038
that you don't want
to get involved in,

1270
01:04:04,039 --> 01:04:05,738
or you don't want happening.”

1271
01:04:05,739 --> 01:04:07,499
So trust God and go to
where he told you to go.

1272
01:04:07,500 --> 01:04:10,453
Taking on a heroin addiction,

1273
01:04:10,454 --> 01:04:14,124
fentanyl addiction with a crack
addiction and everything else.

1274
01:04:14,125 --> 01:04:18,209
I told a girl that I was getting
high with, nothing sexual.

1275
01:04:18,210 --> 01:04:19,604
I told her she could leave.

1276
01:04:19,605 --> 01:04:22,224
Friend of mine gave me a loaded gun

1277
01:04:22,225 --> 01:04:24,883
and God would have

1278
01:04:24,884 --> 01:04:27,464
it my little brother opened up
the door and he intervened.

1279
01:04:27,465 --> 01:04:28,989
Let me do what I did with

1280
01:04:28,990 --> 01:04:30,948
the drugs, finished the
rest of the liquor,

1281
01:04:30,949 --> 01:04:35,274
the crack and heroin and fentanyl
and tricked me into his truck.

1282
01:04:35,275 --> 01:04:37,954
Proceeded to go to St. Mary's.

1283
01:04:37,955 --> 01:04:43,898
He sat on the parking lot to
see if I was gonna leave,

1284
01:04:43,899 --> 01:04:48,719
which after they took me to
the back, I felt a calmness,

1285
01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:54,039
but I got, I guess I got out of
control once I got back there.

1286
01:04:54,040 --> 01:04:55,839
And I told the lady,

1287
01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:59,219
if she let me… They let me out
of her in the next 24 hours,

1288
01:04:59,220 --> 01:05:01,364
I was going to end my life.

1289
01:05:01,365 --> 01:05:05,369
And they transported
me to DePaul Hospital.

1290
01:05:05,370 --> 01:05:13,370
And I was bound in a straitjacket
for a day and a half,

1291
01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:16,519
on my knees, praying if I

1292
01:05:16,520 --> 01:05:19,169
got another chance that
I would go somewhere.

1293
01:05:19,170 --> 01:05:21,068
Wasn't going to take my
life and I wasn't going

1294
01:05:21,069 --> 01:05:23,394
back to that misery and that storm.

1295
01:05:23,395 --> 01:05:26,489
Some of the decisions I made took

1296
01:05:26,490 --> 01:05:29,428
me out of God's will
at that point in time,

1297
01:05:29,429 --> 01:05:31,334
but never out of his reach.

1298
01:05:31,335 --> 01:05:34,924
I've been clean 86 days
by the grace of God.

1299
01:05:34,925 --> 01:05:37,559
This is the longest I've
been sober in five years.

1300
01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:39,429
Some of these guys, I love them.

1301
01:05:39,430 --> 01:05:41,038
Some of them I'm never
going to see again,

1302
01:05:41,039 --> 01:05:43,869
but without any of these guys,

1303
01:05:43,870 --> 01:05:45,549
I probably wouldn't be where I'm at.

1304
01:05:45,550 --> 01:05:48,874
For those who were not able
to beat their addictions,

1305
01:05:48,875 --> 01:05:52,309
there are one of several
places that they may

1306
01:05:52,310 --> 01:05:56,403
end up: they’ll end up in prison,

1307
01:05:56,404 --> 01:06:01,654
or they will end up
dead, an early death.

1308
01:06:01,655 --> 01:06:03,749
One thing my father used to say was

1309
01:06:03,750 --> 01:06:05,318
“Everything that feels
good to you is not

1310
01:06:05,319 --> 01:06:08,518
good for you.” And that's
the advice that you should,

1311
01:06:08,519 --> 01:06:10,659
that I would give to
a 20 year old or just

1312
01:06:10,660 --> 01:06:12,974
cause the drug feels good,

1313
01:06:12,975 --> 01:06:17,603
the high feels good, or
that the drink tastes good,

1314
01:06:17,604 --> 01:06:19,449
that don’t mean it’s good for you.

1315
01:06:19,450 --> 01:06:22,014
Later on down the road,
you're going to pay for it.

1316
01:06:22,015 --> 01:06:26,529
A lot of times we think that
everything is about us, but it's not.

1317
01:06:26,530 --> 01:06:31,559
It's about God, God is
the one who delivered me.

1318
01:06:31,560 --> 01:06:33,554
That's why there's a
lot of stuff that God

1319
01:06:33,555 --> 01:06:36,174
allowed me to go through because
he saw the other side of it,

1320
01:06:36,175 --> 01:06:37,579
when I was going through it,

1321
01:06:37,580 --> 01:06:39,744
it was painful. I didn't like it.

1322
01:06:39,745 --> 01:06:42,658
I didn't like the outcome anyway,

1323
01:06:42,659 --> 01:06:44,474
but where I am now,

1324
01:06:44,475 --> 01:06:50,154
I'm able to walk in my
purpose and to help folk.

1325
01:06:50,155 --> 01:06:52,009
And that's what God put me here for,

1326
01:06:52,010 --> 01:06:53,613
and yes, he gets all the praise,

1327
01:06:53,614 --> 01:06:57,139
honor and the glory because of
what he has done through me.

1328
01:06:57,140 --> 01:06:59,289
Trying to try to stay clean,

1329
01:06:59,290 --> 01:07:03,859
is not as, it's not always as
easy as someone thinks it is.

1330
01:07:03,860 --> 01:07:06,744
Sometimes you going to have relapses.

1331
01:07:06,745 --> 01:07:09,088
You have relapses, but like my

1332
01:07:09,089 --> 01:07:12,749
father… I heard him
say one time, “Son,

1333
01:07:12,750 --> 01:07:14,139
if you slip and fall in the mud,

1334
01:07:14,140 --> 01:07:15,794
don't just lay there
and wallow in it,

1335
01:07:15,795 --> 01:07:18,884
get up, clean yourself
off and keep on stepping.

1336
01:07:18,885 --> 01:07:21,394
If you fall down again, get up again.

1337
01:07:21,395 --> 01:07:23,349
If you fall down again, get up again.

1338
01:07:23,350 --> 01:07:24,388
If you keep falling down,

1339
01:07:24,389 --> 01:07:27,468
keep getting up.” And that's
the message I want to give

1340
01:07:27,469 --> 01:07:31,399
the folk who are trying to
get clean up, stay clean.

1341
01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:34,529
Just because they relapse
or fall back or something,

1342
01:07:34,530 --> 01:07:36,018
then don't give up,

1343
01:07:36,019 --> 01:07:37,653
you know, say, “Okay,
I can't do this.”

1344
01:07:37,654 --> 01:07:41,049
No, just get up, clean yourself
off and keep on stepping.

1345
01:07:41,050 --> 01:07:43,404
If you fall down again, get up again.

1346
01:07:43,405 --> 01:07:45,248
If you fall down again
and get up again,

1347
01:07:45,249 --> 01:07:47,399
if you keep falling
down, keep getting up.

1348
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:54,129
Rock bottom was
in December of '92.

1349
01:07:54,130 --> 01:07:57,368
I became homeless,
living on the street,

1350
01:07:57,369 --> 01:07:59,054
going from shelter to shelter,

1351
01:07:59,055 --> 01:08:03,493
and so from 2003 to now,

1352
01:08:03,494 --> 01:08:08,659
I've been using the scriptures
as my standard for living.

1353
01:08:08,660 --> 01:08:10,668
And I believe the Lord has let me

1354
01:08:10,669 --> 01:08:12,969
see recovery throughout
the scripture.

1355
01:08:12,970 --> 01:08:15,478
So I've been, whether it was

1356
01:08:15,479 --> 01:08:18,069
in the meetings or in the
churches I belong to,

1357
01:08:18,070 --> 01:08:22,364
I was always serving in
one capacity or another.

1358
01:08:22,365 --> 01:08:30,365
Service to me is a tangible
expression of your gratitude.

1359
01:08:32,340 --> 01:08:35,338
And one of the clichés
that you'll hear,

1360
01:08:35,339 --> 01:08:37,288
if you stay around
the 12 step movement,

1361
01:08:37,289 --> 01:08:41,149
is that a grateful
addict will never use.

1362
01:08:41,150 --> 01:08:44,279
I got cleaned at the age of 45.

1363
01:08:44,280 --> 01:08:50,889
You know, at 45, I just felt
that for the most part,

1364
01:08:50,890 --> 01:08:55,328
most of us have lived more
than half of our lives

1365
01:08:55,329 --> 01:08:58,179
and just the fear of going back

1366
01:08:58,180 --> 01:09:01,074
out there kept me doing
what I suppose to.

1367
01:09:01,075 --> 01:09:02,468
That's one of the things
that kept me doing

1368
01:09:02,469 --> 01:09:04,009
what I was supposed to do.

1369
01:09:04,010 --> 01:09:09,713
And then, my lifestyle changed
in terms of what I was doing,

1370
01:09:09,714 --> 01:09:11,868
who I did it with and where I did it,

1371
01:09:11,869 --> 01:09:13,249
the people, places and things.

1372
01:09:13,250 --> 01:09:18,619
So those are all key
components of staying clean.

1373
01:09:18,620 --> 01:09:22,794
And then, of course you’re tempted.

1374
01:09:22,795 --> 01:09:25,283
That's when… Prayer works,

1375
01:09:25,284 --> 01:09:28,169
prayer works, prayer works.

1376
01:09:28,170 --> 01:09:31,704
Because the evil one will get you.

1377
01:09:31,705 --> 01:09:33,188
He's always after you,

1378
01:09:33,189 --> 01:09:35,709
but he'll jump on you
when you least expect it.

1379
01:09:35,710 --> 01:09:37,828
And that's when you
call on scripture,

1380
01:09:37,829 --> 01:09:40,214
that's when you call
on the literature.

1381
01:09:40,215 --> 01:09:43,339
That's when you just
hold on tight and say,

1382
01:09:43,340 --> 01:09:48,753
I'm not going to use today because,

1383
01:09:48,754 --> 01:09:54,439
the urge does subside
the earth does a lessen.

1384
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:57,269
The disease of addiction
would have you

1385
01:09:57,270 --> 01:09:59,989
act on your urge immediately.

1386
01:09:59,990 --> 01:10:03,878
So if you can defer that,

1387
01:10:03,879 --> 01:10:06,083
then you can get it back under,

1388
01:10:06,084 --> 01:10:07,774
under arrest, as they say.

1389
01:10:07,775 --> 01:10:10,328
Sitting in a jail
cells in the Cook County,

1390
01:10:10,329 --> 01:10:11,728
jail and in Leavenworth,

1391
01:10:11,729 --> 01:10:14,264
or at Centralia or in Joliet,

1392
01:10:14,265 --> 01:10:18,979
I never thought that a
day like this would come.

1393
01:10:18,980 --> 01:10:24,244
But I thank God for how
far He has brought me.

1394
01:10:24,245 --> 01:10:27,030
I hurt a lot of people.

1395
01:10:27,080 --> 01:10:29,634
I disappointed a lot of people.

1396
01:10:29,635 --> 01:10:32,309
There are consequences to

1397
01:10:32,310 --> 01:10:35,259
your decisions and one
day sooner or later,

1398
01:10:35,260 --> 01:10:36,909
you gotta face the consequences to

1399
01:10:36,910 --> 01:10:39,009
every decision, every
choice you make.

1400
01:10:39,010 --> 01:10:43,569
Because the Bible is full of stories
of people who had messed up,

1401
01:10:43,700 --> 01:10:46,654
but God never gave up on them.

1402
01:10:46,655 --> 01:10:48,288
The heroes of the Bible,

1403
01:10:48,289 --> 01:10:52,219
Peter, Paul, even Jonah,

1404
01:10:52,220 --> 01:10:58,059
you know, who ran away from
what God wanted them to do.

1405
01:10:58,060 --> 01:11:03,769
David, they've all done things
that were contrary to God's will,

1406
01:11:03,770 --> 01:11:05,718
you know, but God still loved

1407
01:11:05,719 --> 01:11:08,550
them and God used them
in a special way.

1408
01:11:09,310 --> 01:11:14,238
And a lot of the
people that I know of,

1409
01:11:14,239 --> 01:11:18,644
not everyone have gone
through some adversity.

1410
01:11:18,645 --> 01:11:21,704
And if you learn from that adversity,

1411
01:11:21,705 --> 01:11:22,938
no matter what it was,

1412
01:11:22,939 --> 01:11:24,139
whether it's jail or prison,

1413
01:11:24,140 --> 01:11:25,938
whether it was drugs, alcohol,

1414
01:11:25,939 --> 01:11:32,938
or whether it's some other
form of addiction or whatever,

1415
01:11:32,939 --> 01:11:37,244
if you learn from that and you're
able to reach others and to

1416
01:11:37,245 --> 01:11:41,249
help them recover from whatever
it is that they're going through,

1417
01:11:41,250 --> 01:11:46,024
then you’ve done, in my opinion,

1418
01:11:46,025 --> 01:11:47,919
what you were supposed to do.

1419
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:50,589
You see it's easy to

1420
01:11:50,590 --> 01:11:53,474
praise God when you up and
things are going on, right?

1421
01:11:53,475 --> 01:11:56,819
But God wants to know if you
will praise him when you down,

1422
01:11:56,820 --> 01:11:58,598
when things are not going right,

1423
01:11:58,599 --> 01:11:59,898
when you are hungry,

1424
01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:02,954
when you've gone through
one situation or another,

1425
01:12:02,955 --> 01:12:05,333
he wants to know if he
will still praise him,

1426
01:12:05,334 --> 01:12:07,049
even in that situation.

1427
01:12:07,050 --> 01:12:11,819
He wants to know that you will
do what He wants you to do.

1428
01:12:11,820 --> 01:12:15,258
And then even in that situation,

1429
01:12:15,259 --> 01:12:17,343
we have to lift up our hands

1430
01:12:17,344 --> 01:12:19,629
and it is not going to
be easy all the time,

1431
01:12:19,630 --> 01:12:20,839
it's not going to be easy.

1432
01:12:20,840 --> 01:12:23,213
God didn't promise us that
things would be easy,

1433
01:12:23,214 --> 01:12:25,159
but He promised us that He would be

1434
01:12:25,160 --> 01:12:27,464
with us and He would hold us up.

1435
01:12:27,465 --> 01:12:30,569
He would hold our hands and
He would carry us through.

1436
01:12:30,570 --> 01:12:32,744
You see, we can't do it on our own.

1437
01:12:32,745 --> 01:12:36,429
Every time I tried to do this
thing on my own, I messed up.

1438
01:12:36,430 --> 01:12:40,693
But it wasn't until I put
myself in God's hands,

1439
01:12:40,694 --> 01:12:43,124
that things got to be
a little bit easier.

1440
01:12:43,125 --> 01:12:47,429
And He carried me through and at
times still get rough sometimes,

1441
01:12:47,430 --> 01:12:49,189
but He was still carrying me.

1442
01:12:49,190 --> 01:12:51,304
I'm not doing this on my own.

1443
01:12:51,305 --> 01:12:53,569
And I'm telling whoever
I'm talking to out here,

1444
01:12:53,570 --> 01:12:55,964
you can do it too if you trust God.

1445
01:12:55,965 --> 01:12:59,359
Stop trying to do it on
your own, trust in God.

1446
01:12:59,360 --> 01:13:02,559
He is the one that can carry
you across the finishing line.

1447
01:13:02,560 --> 01:13:04,294
You can't do it on your own.

1448
01:13:04,295 --> 01:13:08,233
You have to trust God and
be with Him and be the man,

1449
01:13:08,234 --> 01:13:12,039
be the woman, be the child
that God wants you to be.

1450
01:13:12,040 --> 01:13:13,659
And then my friends,

1451
01:13:13,660 --> 01:13:14,978
my brothers and my sister,

1452
01:13:14,979 --> 01:13:20,049
you will be successful and God
will get the glory from your life.

1453
01:13:20,050 --> 01:13:22,119
I was thinking back on my life,

1454
01:13:22,120 --> 01:13:25,244
is there anything that I would
have changed if I could?

1455
01:13:25,245 --> 01:13:28,119
And suddenly thinking about it,

1456
01:13:28,120 --> 01:13:30,299
the answer is no.

1457
01:13:30,300 --> 01:13:32,759
Even all heartache and
pain that I went through,

1458
01:13:32,760 --> 01:13:34,479
I wouldn't change that.

1459
01:13:34,480 --> 01:13:38,329
The time I spent in jails and in
prison, I wouldn't change that.

1460
01:13:38,330 --> 01:13:40,398
Not saying I enjoyed it,

1461
01:13:40,399 --> 01:13:42,728
cause I didn't, but I

1462
01:13:42,729 --> 01:13:46,282
wouldn't change it because all
of that made me who I am now.

1463
01:13:46,283 --> 01:13:49,032
(crowd applauds)

1464
01:13:49,033 --> 01:13:53,619
Being who I am and all the
stuff that I went through,

1465
01:13:53,620 --> 01:13:56,199
I'm able to be a blessing
to some other folks.

1466
01:13:56,200 --> 01:13:58,258
People who I wouldn't
be able to reach,

1467
01:13:58,259 --> 01:14:00,563
people who wouldn't
listen to me unless they

1468
01:14:00,564 --> 01:14:04,069
realized that I've been to
what they are going through.

1469
01:14:04,070 --> 01:14:04,900
Good.

1470
01:14:04,901 --> 01:14:06,669
When I go into the prison,

1471
01:14:06,670 --> 01:14:08,748
they know that when I talk,

1472
01:14:08,749 --> 01:14:09,828
I'm not just talking about

1473
01:14:09,829 --> 01:14:11,644
some stuff that I read
in a book somewhere,

1474
01:14:11,645 --> 01:14:13,644
no, I'm talking about
stuff that I lived.

1475
01:14:13,645 --> 01:14:17,574
And if I can make it,
you can make it too.

1476
01:14:17,575 --> 01:14:19,764
God's no respecter of person.

1477
01:14:19,765 --> 01:14:25,734
He doesn’t like me or love me
any more than He loves you.

1478
01:14:25,735 --> 01:14:28,144
Your testimony touch me, brother.

1479
01:14:28,145 --> 01:14:30,859
So did yours, and all of
the ones I heard too.

1480
01:14:30,860 --> 01:14:32,939
Yours over there, North side.

1481
01:14:32,940 --> 01:14:39,314
Anytime you do drugs or something,

1482
01:14:39,315 --> 01:14:41,774
you are risking your life

1483
01:14:41,775 --> 01:14:44,989
because you never know whether
you going to overdose.

1484
01:14:44,990 --> 01:14:49,179
You never know whether you're
going to get murdered or killed.

1485
01:14:49,180 --> 01:14:50,974
When you're going in
and out of drug house

1486
01:14:50,975 --> 01:14:53,149
after drug house or leaving
from the drug house,

1487
01:14:53,150 --> 01:14:54,434
you never know what's
going to happen.

1488
01:14:54,435 --> 01:14:58,614
So in reality, every time
could be your last time.

1489
01:14:58,615 --> 01:15:00,958
Hi everyone. This is Deshaye,

1490
01:15:00,959 --> 01:15:04,184
and the question of the
day is what does it take

1491
01:15:04,185 --> 01:15:07,629
to survive or overcome obstacles?
Dream, drive and support.

1492
01:15:07,630 --> 01:15:13,994
So, first you think of what
you want to do with your life,

1493
01:15:13,995 --> 01:15:17,349
and I know at our age, cause I'm 16.

1494
01:15:17,350 --> 01:15:24,739
And right now I know my dream
is to become a great performer.

1495
01:15:24,740 --> 01:15:26,823
Fame’s not that important,

1496
01:15:26,824 --> 01:15:28,554
money’s not that important,

1497
01:15:28,555 --> 01:15:30,618
but I just want to become
such a good performer that

1498
01:15:30,619 --> 01:15:33,064
I affect somebody with my talent,

1499
01:15:33,065 --> 01:15:36,144
change the world in some
way, shape or form.

1500
01:15:36,145 --> 01:15:37,794
Even if it's just a little bit,

1501
01:15:37,795 --> 01:15:40,669
it’s the little bit that counts.

1502
01:15:40,670 --> 01:15:44,208
I was asked recently to put
what I say to someone who,

1503
01:15:44,209 --> 01:15:47,489
who was going to do drugs
that at night and then

1504
01:15:47,490 --> 01:15:50,539
ended up being their last time.

1505
01:15:50,540 --> 01:15:52,329
What would I say to them?

1506
01:15:52,330 --> 01:15:54,318
And I'm not arrogant enough to think

1507
01:15:54,319 --> 01:15:59,349
that what I can say would change
the situation. I don't know.

1508
01:15:59,350 --> 01:16:05,079
I don't know what I can tell
someone who doesn't know me,

1509
01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:08,548
not to do this or not

1510
01:16:08,549 --> 01:16:10,734
to keep taking changes
chances with their life.

1511
01:16:10,735 --> 01:16:14,269
I would ask the person
if I can pray with them.

1512
01:16:14,270 --> 01:16:17,034
Now you notice, I didn't
say pray for them.

1513
01:16:17,035 --> 01:16:19,204
I said, pray with them.

1514
01:16:19,205 --> 01:16:22,529
And that is, and while I'm

1515
01:16:22,530 --> 01:16:28,829
praying is that I would pray for
his or her safety and for him

1516
01:16:28,830 --> 01:16:32,659
or her to make good choices

1517
01:16:33,190 --> 01:16:36,669
and hopefully God will lead me to say

1518
01:16:36,670 --> 01:16:39,894
something in that prayer
that they will hear,

1519
01:16:39,895 --> 01:16:42,409
and it will prick or
touch their heart to

1520
01:16:42,410 --> 01:16:45,899
give them second thoughts about
what they're about to do.

1521
01:16:45,900 --> 01:16:49,639
Because whatever I say… Nothing I

1522
01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:52,669
say that comes from me is
going to help any situation.

1523
01:16:52,670 --> 01:16:56,278
I have to trust God that He
will say something through me,

1524
01:16:56,279 --> 01:16:58,640
or give me something to say,

1525
01:16:59,110 --> 01:17:03,479
to reach that person or to
change that person's mind,

1526
01:17:03,480 --> 01:17:06,714
or at least give them
pause to say, “Huh?

1527
01:17:06,715 --> 01:17:09,519
Maybe I shouldn't do
that tonight.” And then

1528
01:17:09,520 --> 01:17:12,749
trust God to do what He does.

1529
01:17:12,750 --> 01:17:16,923
Heavenly father, I thank
you Lord for this time and

1530
01:17:16,924 --> 01:17:21,744
this time together and Lord,

1531
01:17:21,745 --> 01:17:25,349
the reason and the purpose
for this documentary.

1532
01:17:25,350 --> 01:17:28,644
Lord, I pray Lord
for all of those who

1533
01:17:28,645 --> 01:17:31,418
are going through
addictions right now,

1534
01:17:31,419 --> 01:17:35,774
whether it's because
of drugs or heroin

1535
01:17:35,775 --> 01:17:40,668
or cocaine or crack or
prescription pills,

1536
01:17:40,669 --> 01:17:43,859
whatever the addiction is, marijuana.

1537
01:17:43,860 --> 01:17:47,544
Lord, please deliver them
from their addictions.

1538
01:17:47,545 --> 01:17:51,724
I pray Lord that you will let
something that they see here,

1539
01:17:51,725 --> 01:17:54,689
cause them pause to think,

1540
01:17:54,690 --> 01:17:58,374
to rethink what they are
doing and let them know that,

1541
01:17:58,375 --> 01:18:00,984
okay, there's another way,

1542
01:18:00,985 --> 01:18:02,879
there's a better way.

1543
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,968
They might be hurting for one reason

1544
01:18:04,969 --> 01:18:07,064
or another Lord, ease their pain.

1545
01:18:07,065 --> 01:18:09,688
They might be going through
a difficult situation,

1546
01:18:09,689 --> 01:18:11,718
whatever it is Lord,
see them through it,

1547
01:18:11,719 --> 01:18:13,598
and let them know Lord that they are

1548
01:18:13,599 --> 01:18:16,098
not just affecting their own lives,

1549
01:18:16,099 --> 01:18:18,754
they are affecting
those who love them.

1550
01:18:18,755 --> 01:18:25,488
And Lord, I pray Lord for those
people who are living with,

1551
01:18:25,489 --> 01:18:28,614
or who are related to
people who are addicted.

1552
01:18:28,615 --> 01:18:32,884
I pray Lord that you will
give them patience Lord,

1553
01:18:32,885 --> 01:18:36,933
that you will give them
wisdom of what to do,

1554
01:18:36,934 --> 01:18:39,068
and what not to do, and what to say,

1555
01:18:39,069 --> 01:18:41,108
and what not to say,
and they will not be

1556
01:18:41,109 --> 01:18:44,218
enablers for those who are addicted,

1557
01:18:44,219 --> 01:18:49,849
even though they won't enable them
but they would still love them.

1558
01:18:49,850 --> 01:18:54,623
And let them know Lord that
the person that is addicted,

1559
01:18:54,624 --> 01:18:58,289
know that their loved
one really loves them

1560
01:18:58,290 --> 01:19:02,949
and that they really want to see
and do what is best for them.

1561
01:19:02,950 --> 01:19:06,139
I just thank You for this time Lord,

1562
01:19:06,140 --> 01:19:09,780
I praise you and I bless You
in Jesus holy name, Amen.

1563
01:19:12,984 --> 01:19:15,900
(soft piano music)

1564
01:19:15,901 --> 01:19:19,405
Burton Barr Junior.

1565
01:19:21,059 --> 01:19:24,392
(cheering and applause)

1566
01:19:28,295 --> 01:19:32,295
(upbeat music)

1567
01:19:47,005 --> 01:19:49,755
(crowd clapping)

1568
01:19:52,870 --> 01:19:56,173
That concludes our
Honorary Doctorate of Divinity.

1569
01:19:59,077 --> 01:20:01,577
(crowd claps)

1570
01:20:03,580 --> 01:20:04,445
Will you please

1571
01:20:04,446 --> 01:20:09,059
join me in congratulating
all of the graduates,

1572
01:20:09,060 --> 01:20:12,507
for the year 2019?

1573
01:20:12,508 --> 01:20:15,258
(crowd clapping)