WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Hey, camera guy, could you please
stop looking at me like that?
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You're freaking me out here.
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Thank you so much, Monterrey!
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You're the best!
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Thanks for sharing my dream with me today.
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We'll have a ball. Thank you so much.
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I'll introduce myself to the newcomers.
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Okay. You're obviously high.
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Those are my folks.
Thanks for coming, Mom.
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Let's have some fun.
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For the newcomers, I'm Alan Saldaña.
I'm not from this beautiful city.
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I live in Monterrey,
but I grew up in Reynosa,
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a nice, non-violent town,
where there's peace and quiet.
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What? This town is awful too.
I was killed like six times here.
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But now I feel immortal.
I can't die anymore.
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So, what kind of comedy do I do?
Stand-up, observational comedy.
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I analyze everything,
and I just had a cruel experience.
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The worst experience any man can have.
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Raise your hands, guys,
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if you have been quarantined
after a pregnancy.
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What, bros? Don't you have sex?
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Get out there and start breeding.
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When my doctor said to me,
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"It's 40 sexless days and nights,"
I said no problem.
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I looked at my hand and asked,
"Remember me?"
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But my wife said, "No cheating, faggot."
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I thought 40 days and nights
were no big deal.
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But it's a helluva long time.
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The first 15 quarantine days
went by smoothly.
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I was in full control of the situation.
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Twenty days later, I was having twinges.
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I was like, "Oh, fuck!"
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Twenty-five days later,
one ball was swollen.
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I walked like this.
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Just like Quasimodo.
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At 35 days, I hugged my friends
very affectionately.
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"How are you doing, dude?
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Come closer, you faggot."
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Forty days later, I hoped the doctor
would give me the green light.
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Because I saw my own doctor, Dr. Simi.
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I waited forever for the doc
to give me the green light.
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I waited for the damn cocky doctor!
I was like,
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"Come on, man!
It's been 40 days! I'm horny."
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And the doc was like.
And I was like, "Come on!"
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And I was so desperate
I hit the table like this.
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And it didn't hurt.
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I could even crack a walnut.
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Sometimes I even crack coconuts.
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Some Sundays at the mall,
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"A coconut, sir."
"Sure, I'll crack it for you."
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"With chili?"
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I was waiting for the doc
to give me the green light, until he said,
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"You're allowed."
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Put yourselves in my shoes.
Everything I felt.
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Forty days with no action.
You think I waited until I get home?
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Like hell I did.
I did it In the doctor's office.
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Up and down, missionary style.
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And the doc was like, "Get off of me!
Give me a break!"
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So outside, I screwed the chick
in the animal costume.
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Then my wife wanted some and I said,
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"Tomorrow. I have a headache.
I just cracked a walnut."
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I analyze everything
that happens to me in my life.
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I like my life.
I'm a good dad, just so you know.
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I put my kids
in the Colegio Irlandés school.
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You don't believe me?
So I need to get my son out of there?
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When he asks why he can't go to school,
I'll say because people don't believe me.
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I put him in an expensive school,
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because he needs it for good education.
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The kid gets there at 7:30 a.m,
leaves at 2:30 p.m.,
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then he does
his extracurricular activities,
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and I get him back at 9:30 p.m.
ready to be tucked in.
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I'd let him sleep in the school,
but I can't.
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The janitor won't let me.
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So I like that school.
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One day, I forgot
he was finishing at 9 p.m.
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I got there at 9:30 p.m. to pick him up.
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There was nobody but his karate coach.
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And I showed up saying,
"I'm sorry. I forgot."
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And my kid's always happy to see me.
He was so happy because he rarely sees me.
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He goes, "Dad! Dad!" "What is it, son?"
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"Guess what my karate coach taught me."
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"What, son? What?"
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So my kid turns around
and punches another kid.
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He knocked that kid out.
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I must admit I was proud that my kid
knocked out another kid.
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But I hated to find out
the kid's dad was the karate teacher.
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I could've been knocked out
because of him.
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So, I immediately said,
"What did I tell you, huh?"
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"Help the kid up
and pick up his crutches, dude!"
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"You don't hit kids that can park
in the spaces for disabled people."
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So I analyze everything
that happens to me,
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and I analyze people's behavior.
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Times have changed.
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People are so biased.
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Raise your hand if you're biased.
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Okay, raise your hand
if you know what being biased means.
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People can be so judgmental, for example,
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I notice how people treat me differently
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when I'm in a nice suit and tie,
than when I'm in drag.
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They treat me differently, the jerks.
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Sure, I'm biased too. I don't deny it.
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If I see a gangster kid on the street
walking like this,
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my bias says he's a pothead.
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Maybe he's no pothead,
and washes cars, but I think he is.
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I see a guy in a suit
carrying some pamphlets
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during my Sunday barbecue,
my bias says he's a Jehovah's Witness.
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I see a chick on a corner
in a miniskirt, with big boobs,
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smoking out there
in the middle of the night,
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my bias says she's a dude.
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Everybody is biased.
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People judge you
by the kind of music you like.
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If you like vallenato music,
people label you as trashy.
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If you like Arjona, you're a moron.
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If you like reggae, you're a pothead.
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If you like banda,
you're the reggae guy's pot dealer.
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And if you like Jenni Rivera,
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you're the reggae guy's pot dealer's mom.
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Thank you.
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Another thing I criticize a lot
are Jehovah's Witnesses.
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And don't get me wrong,
I respect all beliefs and religions,
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but why the hell do they come on Sundays?
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When I'm hungover.
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They never show up on Sundays
when I'm not feeling rough.
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But they smell a hungover sinner
and come running.
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Why not show up on Monday, dudes?
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They show up on Sundays
because barbecue empowers them.
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They burst into flames on Monday.
"Oh no, it's Monday!"
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All that's left is a Bible, an umbrella,
and the Watchtower pamphlets.
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Jehovah Witnesses show up on Sunday
knocking on your door like this:
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The Coppel guys leave, but not them.
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"Anybody home?"
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"Why did you turn the lights off?"
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"We can hear the TV."
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The instant you peek through the window
they go, "I saw you!"
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You ask politely, "How can I help you?"
"We're the Witnesses."
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"I know, I saw the umbrella."
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"Would you like to become a Witness?"
"No testifying for me, thanks."
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"We're the sisters of Christ."
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"You look great for your age."
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"What do you take, Herbalife?
How do you do it?"
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So they know I'm a jerk,
and they quit showing up.
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Instead, they use WhatsApp now
because all jerks are Catholic.
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They put up a sign outside their house,
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"This is a Catholic home."
Just below the census sign.
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The Witnesses put one that says,
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"This guy's a jerk.
Census guys, don't count the jerk."
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They don't show up now, they use WhatsApp.
I'm asleep on Sunday, and it goes…
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I open the message at 9 a.m.,
still half asleep,
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and it says, "We are Jehovah's Witnesses."
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"Umbrella. Umbrella."
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"Repent, sinner!" Hands like this.
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"Last chance.
The end of the world is near."
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"XD. XD. XD."
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How do you reply
to such a threatening message?
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I sent them this emoji:
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"Maybe your world is ending
but not mine. Blocked!"
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You think they quit saving me?
No, they're looking for my weaknesses.
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They know I like gossip
so they exploit that.
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They yell outside the house,
"Heard the good news?"
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"What good news?"
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"Salvation is at hand."
"Is it here?" "Not yet."
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"Let me know when it's here.
I'm hungover."
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Next Sunday the wiseguys
try something new. "Fire!"
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"Where?"
"In your heart for not accepting us."
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"Give me a break!"
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"Let me talk to your boss."
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"Put your hands together
to talk to the boss."
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"I said the boss,
not the owner of the company."
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"You mean the pastor?"
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"Here's a pamphlet
with the number in the back.
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Zero 1-800 God hears you. The Watchtower.
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They'll answer you."
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So I called.
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"Thank you for calling
the Jehovah Witnesses line."
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"Witnesses, dial one."
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"If you're not a Witness,
you'll go to hell, but dial two."
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I dialed two and burned my finger.
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"To join our congregation, dial one."
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"To make a donation
to our congregation, dial two."
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"To apply for a copy
of a lost pamphlet, dial three."
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"To get for information
about our umbrella sale,
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dial four."
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"To purchase fabrics,
that we sell by the meter,
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and sew your own skirt,
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dial five."
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"To speak with a pastor, dial zero."
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Sure, why the hell not? Zero it is.
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And the music on hold goes like this…
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Hallelujah
Hallelujah
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"All our pastors are currently busy."
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"Please, hold."
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And the music goes again.
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Hallelujah
Hallelujah
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"Two umbrellas for the price of one.
Get yours now."
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Hallelujah
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"Had enough of Hell?
Don't know how to be saved?"
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00:12:20.005 --> 00:12:24.243
"Join our preacher team
and bug people every Sunday."
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00:12:24.310 --> 00:12:27.046
"Live the experience.
Base salary plus commission."
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Hallelujah
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"This is Pastor Alemán.
Who's calling, please?"
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"Alan."
"How can we help you, brother Alan?"
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"I'd like to cancel my subscription."
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00:12:41.961 --> 00:12:45.231
"Is there a problem?"
"No. I have all the pamphlets."
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00:12:45.865 --> 00:12:49.668
"So why are you canceling?"
"You guys show up way too early."
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"Should we change your visiting hours?
We have slots at 7:00, 8:00, 9:00."
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"Come over on Monday." "That's s problem."
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"We're closed on Mondays."
"Are you construction workers?"
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00:13:03.716 --> 00:13:04.717
"I want to cancel."
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00:13:04.784 --> 00:13:08.287
"Here's the cancellation number.
Can you write it down?"
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00:13:08.354 --> 00:13:12.191
"Yes I can." "Write this down, 666."
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"Dial that to cancel your salvation."
"Anything else?"
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00:13:17.730 --> 00:13:21.133
"Could you help us rate
the pastor's service?"
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00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:25.838
"From one to ten,
how would you rate the pastor's service?"
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I said six.
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Next Sunday I was up early,
they didn't show up, and I went…
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At 10 a.m.
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At 11 a.m.,
ridden with guilt, I was like,
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"Were they fired because of me?"
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00:13:42.788 --> 00:13:44.790
"Why did I report them?"
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"Maybe they had little Witnesses
to support, and I didn't care."
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Thank you.
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00:13:54.934 --> 00:13:56.936
I will not be called a misogynist.
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In my next sketch,
I'm badmouthing a woman,
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Do not call me a misogynist.
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00:14:02.575 --> 00:14:04.643
I have nothing against women.
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00:14:04.710 --> 00:14:06.979
My beef is only with this fucking broad.
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She's fat, so don't start saying,
"Oh, he said that fat women…"
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00:14:11.851 --> 00:14:15.287
No. I love fat women.
I screwed a few of them.
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Some fatties don't get any.
"You don't get any? Right this way."
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I like fat chicks because in bed
you tell them to swallow,
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and they're still hungry.
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00:14:27.800 --> 00:14:30.202
"Is there any more?"
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00:14:30.936 --> 00:14:32.671
Here's why I hated this fat chick.
237
00:14:32.738 --> 00:14:35.641
I was flying home
from a tour in Guadalajara.
238
00:14:35.708 --> 00:14:39.778
Raise your hand if you've been on a plane.
239
00:14:39.845 --> 00:14:41.547
You'll get the message.
240
00:14:41.614 --> 00:14:43.983
For the rest of you,
it's like a bus with wings.
241
00:14:45.484 --> 00:14:51.357
So, I'm on the plane, and airplane seats
come in rows. A. B. C.
242
00:14:51.423 --> 00:14:56.262
A is the window, C is the aisle.
I had an aisle seat.
243
00:14:56.829 --> 00:15:00.699
This fatso came in. One of those
with a screechy voice that nobody likes.
244
00:15:03.168 --> 00:15:05.604
With a skinny girlfriend, the usual combo.
245
00:15:05.671 --> 00:15:09.375
It's always a fat chick
and a skinny chick.
246
00:15:09.441 --> 00:15:13.212
They boarded Noah's Arc.
The fat chick and the skinny chick.
247
00:15:14.079 --> 00:15:17.917
I hated this porky
because of all her bitching.
248
00:15:17.983 --> 00:15:20.853
It all started because there was no room
for her carry-on.
249
00:15:20.920 --> 00:15:22.054
So she made a scene.
250
00:15:24.123 --> 00:15:25.991
"Why don't they check-in their bags?"
251
00:15:26.058 --> 00:15:29.228
"They use up all the damn space!
Where do I put my bag?"
252
00:15:29.295 --> 00:15:31.830
"Right, Gladys?"
253
00:15:31.897 --> 00:15:34.366
Gladys is her skinny confidant.
254
00:15:34.433 --> 00:15:37.703
I thought,
"You dumb broad. Just look elsewhere."
255
00:15:37.770 --> 00:15:39.138
I hated her even more
256
00:15:39.204 --> 00:15:42.775
when she said this about a baby
who was crying.
257
00:15:44.710 --> 00:15:46.912
"Is this a daycare or an airline?"
258
00:15:46.979 --> 00:15:51.650
"Somebody breastfeed the kid
to shut him up. Right, Gladys?"
259
00:15:52.251 --> 00:15:55.187
I go, "I hope this dumb broad
doesn't sit next to me."
260
00:15:55.254 --> 00:15:59.458
That was like a magnet.
Fatso sat in the B seat, in the middle.
261
00:15:59.525 --> 00:16:01.360
Gladys in the window seat like this.
262
00:16:02.094 --> 00:16:03.696
I'm in the aisle seat like this.
263
00:16:05.364 --> 00:16:09.335
The flight attendant says we'd open
the emergency exit, and I'm like…
264
00:16:11.337 --> 00:16:12.338
"What exit?"
265
00:16:13.839 --> 00:16:15.040
"Where do I exit?"
266
00:16:16.508 --> 00:16:19.979
The fatso started annoying me
from the instant she sat down.
267
00:16:21.780 --> 00:16:24.049
"Ever since they let yokels fly
268
00:16:24.116 --> 00:16:27.486
they make the seats smaller
to squeeze in more yokels.
269
00:16:27.553 --> 00:16:30.322
Right, Gladys?
270
00:16:31.190 --> 00:16:35.427
That fucking bitch!
Then she started doing this to me.
271
00:16:36.495 --> 00:16:39.031
I got mad because she put fat on me.
272
00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:44.169
"Watch the armrest. This is my armrest."
273
00:16:44.236 --> 00:16:47.339
"That's yours. Stop invading my space."
274
00:16:47.406 --> 00:16:49.575
"Right, Gladys?"
275
00:16:50.175 --> 00:16:54.046
I thought she'd put her arm there.
But no, just a roll of fat.
276
00:16:55.647 --> 00:16:59.518
Porky kept bitching
that even her guy dumped her.
277
00:16:59.585 --> 00:17:02.921
"Oh, Gladys. The jerk cheated on me
with that scrawny thing."
278
00:17:02.988 --> 00:17:07.059
"I'll block him on Facebook, WhatsApp,
Instagram, my heart."
279
00:17:07.126 --> 00:17:09.762
"I'll have him for lunch
with tortillas and avocado."
280
00:17:09.828 --> 00:17:11.730
"Right, Gladys?"
281
00:17:12.464 --> 00:17:17.369
And I thought, "Forgive him.
Who'll believe a big fat jerk like you?"
282
00:17:18.137 --> 00:17:20.372
"I'd screw you if you were nice, so no."
283
00:17:21.974 --> 00:17:24.910
I put my headphones on.
Didn't want to hear it anymore.
284
00:17:24.977 --> 00:17:26.845
I hated her, but meant no disrespect.
285
00:17:26.912 --> 00:17:29.481
I slipped into my world
with my headphones.
286
00:17:29.548 --> 00:17:31.550
She started hitting my headphones.
287
00:17:32.484 --> 00:17:34.453
But they were Bose so I heard nothing.
288
00:17:36.755 --> 00:17:38.090
Okay. They weren't.
289
00:17:38.624 --> 00:17:40.059
They were gowin brand.
290
00:17:40.959 --> 00:17:43.462
The Oxxo ones.
She wedged the rubber bit inside.
291
00:17:47.132 --> 00:17:49.368
So she's knocking it and I say, "Yes?"
292
00:17:49.435 --> 00:17:54.039
"Lower your dumb yokel music.
It's annoying."
293
00:17:54.106 --> 00:17:56.508
"I'm discussing some issues with Gladys."
294
00:17:56.575 --> 00:17:59.211
"Right, Gladys?"
295
00:17:59.278 --> 00:18:03.115
I go, "So fly first class
and go fuck yourself in the front."
296
00:18:03.182 --> 00:18:05.517
"But get three seats for your fat ass."
297
00:18:05.584 --> 00:18:09.354
"And I'll knock you silly
if you keep putting your fat all over me."
298
00:18:09.421 --> 00:18:12.024
"Fuck you! Right, Gladys?"
299
00:18:17.996 --> 00:18:18.931
Thank you.
300
00:18:20.466 --> 00:18:22.634
Sorry. I couldn't stand her.
301
00:18:25.404 --> 00:18:28.140
You see, I'm very transparent,
very sincere.
302
00:18:28.207 --> 00:18:32.578
And with all my sincerity,
I'm still so unlucky in love.
303
00:18:32.644 --> 00:18:35.180
I've been sent to the friend zone a lot.
304
00:18:35.247 --> 00:18:38.650
Raise your hands
if you know what friend zone means.
305
00:18:39.952 --> 00:18:43.655
Okay, let me explain what it is
to those of you who don't know.
306
00:18:44.123 --> 00:18:46.959
"Friend" means we're dating,
"zone" means no sex.
307
00:18:49.361 --> 00:18:51.830
How did I know I was in the friend zone?
308
00:18:51.897 --> 00:18:56.335
Because the girl I wanted
kept using the word "friend."
309
00:18:56.401 --> 00:18:59.738
"Hi, girlfriend."
"I'm fine, girlfriend, and you?"
310
00:19:00.439 --> 00:19:03.509
"Hi, how are you?"
"Way out of your league."
311
00:19:04.910 --> 00:19:09.148
How did I know she didn't care?
She made out with the whole school.
312
00:19:09.214 --> 00:19:13.819
She even dated the school's janitor.
But not me.
313
00:19:14.386 --> 00:19:17.189
I thought it was because
we had no romantic moments.
314
00:19:17.256 --> 00:19:20.359
So I took her on a date to the movies.
315
00:19:20.425 --> 00:19:23.095
But she showed up with another guy.
316
00:19:23.629 --> 00:19:24.830
With the janitor.
317
00:19:25.631 --> 00:19:29.067
The worst part
was that I had to buy the popcorn.
318
00:19:29.601 --> 00:19:33.205
I went to get popcorn and the lady asked,
"Are you guys together?"
319
00:19:33.272 --> 00:19:35.774
"Always together," I said.
320
00:19:36.909 --> 00:19:39.645
"Can we get a friend zone combo, please?"
321
00:19:41.346 --> 00:19:43.248
"What's in it, miss?"
322
00:19:43.315 --> 00:19:47.252
"Popcorn for you,
a drink with two straws for them,
323
00:19:47.319 --> 00:19:49.922
and a much-needed pair of balls for you."
324
00:19:51.023 --> 00:19:53.725
"And for five more pesos,
a dose of dignity."
325
00:19:54.826 --> 00:19:57.996
"Are there any other combos?"
"The Three's a Crowd combo."
326
00:19:58.063 --> 00:19:59.431
"What does that include?"
327
00:19:59.498 --> 00:20:02.568
"Popcorn for them,
a drink with two straws,
328
00:20:02.634 --> 00:20:05.537
and throwing hints at you to get lost."
329
00:20:07.372 --> 00:20:09.741
"I'll just have the popcorn."
330
00:20:09.808 --> 00:20:11.810
"Okay. We'll give you half a portion."
331
00:20:12.411 --> 00:20:15.247
"Isn't she getting some?"
"She'll get some later."
332
00:20:16.815 --> 00:20:21.286
I said, "I can't be in the friend zone.
I'll confess my love to her in style."
333
00:20:21.353 --> 00:20:26.158
So I got her a huge teddy bear
that cost me 5000 pesos.
334
00:20:26.225 --> 00:20:30.262
A box of Ferrero Rocher
Limited Edition Dark Chocolate
335
00:20:30.329 --> 00:20:31.930
at a Sanborns clearance sale.
336
00:20:31.997 --> 00:20:35.968
Long-stem red flowers
sprayed with Norwegian water.
337
00:20:36.034 --> 00:20:39.871
Where did I get those, you wonder?
From the pothead on the corner.
338
00:20:40.639 --> 00:20:43.442
He's a pothead with a green thumb.
339
00:20:44.276 --> 00:20:46.378
And if he says he used Norwegian water,
340
00:20:46.445 --> 00:20:49.748
I believe him
because he's a pothead, not a liar.
341
00:20:51.617 --> 00:20:55.254
I got some European refill cologne.
The French stuff.
342
00:20:55.821 --> 00:20:58.023
I ran out of cash. The bear left me broke.
343
00:20:58.090 --> 00:21:01.660
I put on some cologne
in case she kissed me and hugged me,
344
00:21:01.727 --> 00:21:02.961
and something happened.
345
00:21:04.029 --> 00:21:05.731
What the hell? Let it happen.
346
00:21:06.531 --> 00:21:08.233
I couldn't care less, I refill it.
347
00:21:08.300 --> 00:21:10.469
Twenty more sprays,
so it doesn't wear off.
348
00:21:12.170 --> 00:21:14.206
But the crap is pure alcohol and I went…
349
00:21:17.142 --> 00:21:18.910
Me and the damn bear, in love.
350
00:21:19.945 --> 00:21:21.980
I tell my future mother-in-law,
351
00:21:22.047 --> 00:21:25.017
"Good afternoon, ma'am.
I'm here for your daughter."
352
00:21:25.083 --> 00:21:29.588
"And don't be surprised by the big bear,
as my love for her is even bigger."
353
00:21:29.655 --> 00:21:33.158
"I got her the chocolate too.
I want her lips to taste like it."
354
00:21:33.225 --> 00:21:36.762
"Flowers that remind me of her beauty.
And I reek of love."
355
00:21:36.828 --> 00:21:39.765
"It's really intense down there.
I spilled some."
356
00:21:40.499 --> 00:21:41.933
"And if she accepts me,
357
00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:45.037
I promise that every day,
every minute, every second,
358
00:21:45.103 --> 00:21:47.939
I'll be her true love, work for her,
359
00:21:48.006 --> 00:21:53.178
and with love and dedication,
I'll buy a house to have sex in all day."
360
00:21:53.245 --> 00:21:57.249
"And if I have a heart attack,
I'll say I miss her on a Ouija board."
361
00:22:03.422 --> 00:22:05.090
She took one look at me and said,
362
00:22:06.692 --> 00:22:08.727
"What a moron!"
363
00:22:09.227 --> 00:22:12.297
"Couldn't you wait for her and the janitor
to leave the room?"
364
00:22:13.165 --> 00:22:17.102
So I ended up with a broken heart
and blue balls.
365
00:22:18.303 --> 00:22:21.173
But God closes a door and opens a window.
366
00:22:21.239 --> 00:22:25.310
Every cloud has a silver lining.
It happened to me.
367
00:22:25.377 --> 00:22:27.979
I met this gorgeous chick.
368
00:22:28.046 --> 00:22:30.749
I don't know what she saw in me,
she was stunning.
369
00:22:30.816 --> 00:22:34.052
We dated for two years.
The first year was pure honey.
370
00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:37.522
Bees followed us around
because of all the honey.
371
00:22:37.589 --> 00:22:39.825
So much honey
we looked like Winnie the Pooh.
372
00:22:39.891 --> 00:22:42.728
Year two, our relationship went downhill.
373
00:22:42.794 --> 00:22:47.165
I had to do something or she'd dump me,
and I didn't want to lose this girl.
374
00:22:47.232 --> 00:22:49.000
I had to rescue our relationship.
375
00:22:49.067 --> 00:22:53.872
So I had a noble idea
of inviting her to watch Netflix at home.
376
00:22:55.040 --> 00:22:56.408
Just to hang out.
377
00:22:57.109 --> 00:22:59.644
"Honey, let's watch Netflix together
at my place."
378
00:22:59.711 --> 00:23:00.545
"How about it?"
379
00:23:00.612 --> 00:23:04.349
"We'll hang out and create memories
we can laugh about in the future."
380
00:23:05.083 --> 00:23:07.185
And she said, "And you'll fuck me?"
381
00:23:09.821 --> 00:23:12.090
I said no and she did…
382
00:23:14.526 --> 00:23:17.429
"It's not a problem.
Just tell me so I can have a shave."
383
00:23:18.563 --> 00:23:21.166
I said no and she said,
"Go see if Mom believes you."
384
00:23:21.233 --> 00:23:22.868
I went, "Good afternoon, ma'am."
385
00:23:22.934 --> 00:23:27.372
"May I take your daughter home
to watch Netflix and chill?"
386
00:23:27.439 --> 00:23:29.074
"So you can fuck her?"
387
00:23:30.609 --> 00:23:32.544
I said no and she said,
388
00:23:32.611 --> 00:23:35.981
"Sure you will. It happened to me,
that's how this idiot was born."
389
00:23:36.047 --> 00:23:37.149
"I know all about it."
390
00:23:37.749 --> 00:23:41.153
And she said to her daughter,
"Go and have a shave. Poor guy."
391
00:23:42.421 --> 00:23:46.358
We bumped into her seven-year-old
brother on the way out.
392
00:23:46.425 --> 00:23:48.560
And he asked, "Where are you going?"
393
00:23:48.627 --> 00:23:52.297
Poor innocent kid, I thought.
"To watch Netflix at mine, son."
394
00:23:52.364 --> 00:23:53.231
"So, to fuck?"
395
00:23:54.332 --> 00:23:56.435
"Good for you, man!"
396
00:23:56.501 --> 00:23:59.504
"Fuck her brains out. Rock her world!"
397
00:24:00.071 --> 00:24:03.341
I was so embarrassed.
Then the local priest showed up.
398
00:24:03.408 --> 00:24:06.745
"Where are you going, son?"
"To watch Netflix, Father."
399
00:24:06.812 --> 00:24:08.413
"Before the wedding?"
400
00:24:09.948 --> 00:24:13.518
"That's a sin,
say Our Father 15 times as penance."
401
00:24:14.019 --> 00:24:15.554
"Twenty if she hasn't shaved."
402
00:24:17.889 --> 00:24:22.294
So we went to mine
and did exactly what you're thinking.
403
00:24:22.360 --> 00:24:23.195
I fucked her.
404
00:24:23.862 --> 00:24:25.864
But only because of the social pressure.
405
00:24:28.967 --> 00:24:29.801
Thank you.
406
00:24:33.638 --> 00:24:38.243
The problem was when I took her back
to my furious father-in-law.
407
00:24:38.310 --> 00:24:41.880
"Where were you morons?"
"Watching a movie at my place."
408
00:24:41.947 --> 00:24:44.616
"I know what that means, and it hurts me."
409
00:24:44.683 --> 00:24:48.019
"Your parents went out.
The house was all yours."
410
00:24:48.086 --> 00:24:51.690
"You abused my trust, it's gone forever.
That's what hurts me."
411
00:24:51.756 --> 00:24:55.861
I felt bad because like, it or not,
the guy was right.
412
00:24:56.461 --> 00:25:00.632
I even said,
"Sorry, sir. I won't fuck her again."
413
00:25:01.199 --> 00:25:04.503
"Don't worry about that!
But why did you use my razor?"
414
00:25:07.873 --> 00:25:10.242
"My whole chin smells like fish."
415
00:25:11.810 --> 00:25:15.747
So, I'm unlucky in love.
It never goes well.
416
00:25:16.248 --> 00:25:18.216
You should ask yourself
417
00:25:18.283 --> 00:25:20.919
why the moron invited her over
to watch Netflix?
418
00:25:20.986 --> 00:25:22.554
I love the Internet.
419
00:25:22.621 --> 00:25:27.492
I post my videos on YouTube,
I'm always on Instagram or TikTok.
420
00:25:27.559 --> 00:25:32.797
I love the Internet.
But my connection isn't what I expected.
421
00:25:33.331 --> 00:25:35.934
For example, the local provider is Izzi.
422
00:25:36.001 --> 00:25:39.437
I guess it's different elsewhere,
but here it's Izzi.
423
00:25:39.504 --> 00:25:42.507
I signed up because I got hooked
one season
424
00:25:42.574 --> 00:25:44.743
by an artist promoting Izzi.
425
00:25:44.809 --> 00:25:49.381
Remember Rafael Amaya,
El Señor de los Cielos, Aurelio Casillas?
426
00:25:49.447 --> 00:25:51.583
Oh, what a man!
427
00:25:52.083 --> 00:25:54.119
When he says, "Giddy up!"
428
00:25:54.185 --> 00:25:57.255
When he says, "Kidnap me, Chacorta."
I say, "Me too."
429
00:25:58.223 --> 00:26:01.860
I'm watching El Señor de los Cielos
on the slow internet.
430
00:26:01.927 --> 00:26:04.429
Aurelio Casillas freezes
while shooting a guy.
431
00:26:07.866 --> 00:26:09.968
I'm like, "Kill him!" "Let it buffer."
432
00:26:11.636 --> 00:26:13.271
I called Izzi to complain,
433
00:26:13.338 --> 00:26:17.008
and they asked the dumbest question
I've ever heard.
434
00:26:17.075 --> 00:26:22.280
I called them and heard, "Thank you
for calling Izzi. If you're a customer…"
435
00:26:22.347 --> 00:26:25.617
Of course I'm a customer.
Why else would I call you?
436
00:26:26.318 --> 00:26:28.353
It's like calling Infinitum.
437
00:26:28.420 --> 00:26:32.724
"No, I called to say hello.
Are you having a barbecue, or what?" No.
438
00:26:33.358 --> 00:26:35.727
"If you're an Izzi customer, dial one."
439
00:26:35.794 --> 00:26:38.630
Being a proud Izzi customer, I dialed one.
440
00:26:38.697 --> 00:26:43.835
"Enter your account number."
Who knows their account number?
441
00:26:44.703 --> 00:26:47.005
I was running like an idiot.
My account number?
442
00:26:48.306 --> 00:26:49.641
My account number!
443
00:26:50.442 --> 00:26:52.110
My account number!
444
00:26:52.177 --> 00:26:56.348
Running all over my two-story house,
"My account number!"
445
00:26:57.082 --> 00:26:58.416
What, deadbeats?
446
00:26:59.718 --> 00:27:02.053
So I have to be broke
because you're broke?
447
00:27:02.520 --> 00:27:04.689
All over the house, "My account number!"
448
00:27:04.756 --> 00:27:07.592
Speeding in the golf cart,
"My account number!"
449
00:27:08.226 --> 00:27:10.829
Around the pool, "My account number!"
450
00:27:11.596 --> 00:27:12.697
I got to the elevator.
451
00:27:15.266 --> 00:27:16.234
Skeptics.
452
00:27:22.340 --> 00:27:23.541
Oh! The garage.
453
00:27:26.411 --> 00:27:27.812
My account number!
454
00:27:29.180 --> 00:27:32.183
Then I entered the account number,
five, four, seven…
455
00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:34.119
You'd hack me if I told you.
456
00:27:35.954 --> 00:27:41.626
What bugs me so much
when you call this kind of company,
457
00:27:41.693 --> 00:27:45.296
they're not patient with you
if you make a mistake.
458
00:27:45.363 --> 00:27:49.634
They send you back to the main menu.
You're on hold and you hear…
459
00:27:52.303 --> 00:27:54.606
For fuck's sake! I dialed again.
460
00:27:54.673 --> 00:27:58.476
"Thank you for calling Izzi.
If you're a customer, dial one."
461
00:27:59.344 --> 00:28:03.948
"Enter your account number."
Five, four, seven. Slowly to not mess up.
462
00:28:05.450 --> 00:28:11.656
"For telephone issues, dial one.
For Internet issues, dial two."
463
00:28:11.723 --> 00:28:14.859
"If you're the issue, dial eight."
464
00:28:15.760 --> 00:28:17.195
Just out of curiosity, bro.
465
00:28:18.263 --> 00:28:19.097
Eight.
466
00:28:21.499 --> 00:28:24.035
The message is, "Go see a a shrink."
467
00:28:25.937 --> 00:28:29.007
For fuck's sake! I dialed again.
"Thank you for calling Izzi."
468
00:28:29.074 --> 00:28:31.543
"If you're a customer, dial one."
469
00:28:31.609 --> 00:28:34.746
"If you're been rerouted more than twice,
dial two."
470
00:28:34.813 --> 00:28:36.648
I was rerouted more than twice. Two.
471
00:28:36.715 --> 00:28:39.784
"If you're upset about being rerouted,
dial one."
472
00:28:39.851 --> 00:28:42.087
"If you're really upset, dial two."
473
00:28:42.153 --> 00:28:46.291
"If you're mad as hell, dial three."
474
00:28:46.357 --> 00:28:48.226
"To beat somebody up,
475
00:28:48.293 --> 00:28:51.396
because you're upset
about being rerouted, dial four."
476
00:28:51.463 --> 00:28:56.501
"To hurt Izzi's owner
for any reason whatsoever, dial eight."
477
00:28:56.568 --> 00:28:58.737
Screw the owner. Eight.
478
00:28:59.804 --> 00:29:01.506
I hear, "You're no match for him."
479
00:29:07.312 --> 00:29:08.413
Thank you very much.
480
00:29:13.384 --> 00:29:14.619
Thank you very much.
481
00:29:14.686 --> 00:29:19.124
To make a long story short,
I finally spoke with the operator.
482
00:29:19.190 --> 00:29:21.626
But she took ages to answer.
483
00:29:21.693 --> 00:29:25.697
Just so you'll get when I made the call,
have you seen Titanic?
484
00:29:26.431 --> 00:29:29.033
When Jack and Rose board the ship?
485
00:29:29.701 --> 00:29:31.336
That's when I phoned.
486
00:29:32.203 --> 00:29:35.273
Do you remember when the old lady
throws a stone into the sea?
487
00:29:36.141 --> 00:29:38.109
That's when they still hadn't answered.
488
00:29:39.277 --> 00:29:42.413
They did when Lightning McQueen
won the Piston Cup.
489
00:29:44.816 --> 00:29:50.488
So, I dialed the number,
and a lady picked up nonchalantly,
490
00:29:50.555 --> 00:29:52.957
"Thank you for calling Izzi.
How can I help you?"
491
00:29:53.024 --> 00:29:55.026
"Improve your lousy service."
492
00:29:55.093 --> 00:29:58.630
"I keep waiting like a fool,
dialing and hanging up."
493
00:29:58.696 --> 00:30:02.700
"I'm mad as hell.
I don't care if quality control hears me."
494
00:30:02.767 --> 00:30:07.338
"I'm worse than Rafael Amaya when I'm mad.
Come on, dude!"
495
00:30:08.773 --> 00:30:09.641
The lady's like…
496
00:30:11.509 --> 00:30:14.179
"Calm down or I'll send you
to the main menu."
497
00:30:15.814 --> 00:30:16.815
"I'm calm," I said.
498
00:30:17.849 --> 00:30:19.050
"I'm calm."
499
00:30:19.751 --> 00:30:21.953
"Now, how can I help you today?"
500
00:30:22.587 --> 00:30:24.956
"I need to cancel my Internet connection."
501
00:30:27.425 --> 00:30:32.630
"This is a good time to cancel
because your bill is due today."
502
00:30:32.697 --> 00:30:33.832
"Okay. Cancel it."
503
00:30:33.898 --> 00:30:36.401
"But we'd hate to lose
such a great customer."
504
00:30:36.901 --> 00:30:40.438
"How can we improve our service?"
"By providing the Internet, bitch."
505
00:30:41.873 --> 00:30:45.543
We argued for a couple of hours
because they hate canceling.
506
00:30:45.610 --> 00:30:48.613
"It's a bad idea."
"It's a great idea. Just cancel it!"
507
00:30:49.113 --> 00:30:51.916
Two hours later,
she said she'd let me cancel,
508
00:30:51.983 --> 00:30:53.852
but I had two bills to pay.
509
00:30:53.918 --> 00:30:57.989
"Just a minute.
You said I owed one bill, lady."
510
00:30:58.056 --> 00:31:00.658
"The other bill became due
while we argued."
511
00:31:02.227 --> 00:31:05.129
"Plus a penalty for early cancellation."
512
00:31:05.196 --> 00:31:09.234
"To help you avoid paying that much,
I'll send you a technician tomorrow."
513
00:31:09.300 --> 00:31:11.002
"Send me the bastard."
514
00:31:11.069 --> 00:31:14.138
"Send him over
so I can take it out on him."
515
00:31:14.205 --> 00:31:17.575
At nine, when I'm mad as hell,
ready to beat the crap out of him.
516
00:31:18.610 --> 00:31:19.777
I will slap him silly.
517
00:31:19.844 --> 00:31:22.480
"I'll beat up the dumpster guy,
so send me the jerk."
518
00:31:24.582 --> 00:31:28.620
He showed up at nine.
I opened the door to yell at him.
519
00:31:28.686 --> 00:31:31.489
But It wasn't Rafael Amaya,
El Señor de los Cielos.
520
00:31:32.457 --> 00:31:33.725
Holding a cable reel.
521
00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:36.995
"What is your issue
with the Internet, bitch?"
522
00:31:37.061 --> 00:31:39.063
"Nothing, boss. Sorry."
523
00:31:39.831 --> 00:31:42.066
"Chacorta, get him."
And they kidnapped me.
524
00:31:42.567 --> 00:31:45.637
So now, Izzi is your best choice,
trust me.
525
00:31:47.705 --> 00:31:50.375
And if your Internet sucks,
it's because I'm a jerk.
526
00:31:53.244 --> 00:31:54.412
Thank you.
527
00:31:57.916 --> 00:31:58.750
Hey.
528
00:31:59.250 --> 00:32:01.319
Why do I need to understand things?
529
00:32:01.386 --> 00:32:04.956
Because comedians need info
to write their shows.
530
00:32:05.023 --> 00:32:07.525
With no info we just talk a bunch of crap.
531
00:32:07.592 --> 00:32:12.397
I recently saw a video
on National Geographic
532
00:32:12.463 --> 00:32:14.666
about the praying mantis.
533
00:32:14.732 --> 00:32:19.370
If you've never seen one,
the mantis is an insect like the cricket,
534
00:32:19.437 --> 00:32:23.574
whose forelegs look like it's praying,
hence the name praying mantis.
535
00:32:23.641 --> 00:32:27.111
They're found in the area…
They're in Kung Fu Panda, all right?
536
00:32:27.946 --> 00:32:30.715
They're called praying mantis
because they're like this.
537
00:32:31.516 --> 00:32:35.586
Turns out that when the male mantis
538
00:32:35.653 --> 00:32:39.657
is impregnating the female
in his missionary position,
539
00:32:40.591 --> 00:32:41.960
because they're religious.
540
00:32:43.861 --> 00:32:46.097
And she's going, "Oh, my God!"
541
00:32:47.532 --> 00:32:52.503
The female devours the male's head
during sex.
542
00:32:52.570 --> 00:32:53.571
Go figure.
543
00:32:54.072 --> 00:32:56.040
You'd say, "Ah!"
544
00:32:57.008 --> 00:32:58.643
"Go for it, bitch."
545
00:32:59.444 --> 00:33:00.311
But this?
546
00:33:01.813 --> 00:33:02.947
Your face?
547
00:33:04.115 --> 00:33:07.585
To get how serious it is,
imagine you're having sex,
548
00:33:08.486 --> 00:33:11.255
and the crazy woman bites your eye. Damn!
549
00:33:12.357 --> 00:33:14.125
"You went too far!"
550
00:33:14.859 --> 00:33:18.863
"You used to scratch me, bite me,
spank me, but my eye? No way!"
551
00:33:19.530 --> 00:33:21.566
Then the other eye. Man!
552
00:33:21.632 --> 00:33:24.635
"Now I'm blind.
Just fart so I'll know where to aim."
553
00:33:26.137 --> 00:33:29.240
Animals have weird ways
of reproducing, for example,
554
00:33:29.307 --> 00:33:33.444
in the next video
they talked about the black widow,
555
00:33:33.511 --> 00:33:36.981
and how she won't let the male
impregnate her.
556
00:33:37.048 --> 00:33:38.416
Don't they get horny?
557
00:33:39.717 --> 00:33:42.453
Isn't her little spider nest needy?
558
00:33:43.254 --> 00:33:47.458
Then I remembered she's a widow,
so she doesn't want to.
559
00:33:48.292 --> 00:33:49.694
She still loves him.
560
00:33:51.029 --> 00:33:54.465
The new male says, "Let's go."
"I can't. My ex just died."
561
00:33:56.467 --> 00:33:58.036
-How did he die?
-I killed him.
562
00:33:59.937 --> 00:34:04.776
So the male has to catch her unguarded
to impregnate her.
563
00:34:04.842 --> 00:34:07.245
I guess the unguarded spider is like…
564
00:34:10.715 --> 00:34:14.152
This is my best imitation
of an unguarded spider.
565
00:34:15.787 --> 00:34:16.687
It's all I've got.
566
00:34:19.123 --> 00:34:20.091
And stop whining.
567
00:34:20.691 --> 00:34:24.662
If you go by my place at 4 p.m.
I'll be practicing on the handrail.
568
00:34:26.064 --> 00:34:28.399
Rehearsing to offer you a great show.
569
00:34:35.106 --> 00:34:37.842
It's true, I'm on the handrail like this.
570
00:34:39.944 --> 00:34:42.847
So, imagine the spider's off guard
like this.
571
00:34:43.448 --> 00:34:45.316
Spinning her web like this.
572
00:34:49.320 --> 00:34:50.455
Like Spider-Man.
573
00:34:51.889 --> 00:34:54.158
"Clean that corner up there."
574
00:34:55.226 --> 00:34:58.062
"Up there for my eggs."
That's where they lay their eggs.
575
00:34:58.729 --> 00:35:01.199
And the male jumps on her.
576
00:35:03.868 --> 00:35:05.036
"Get off of me, dude!"
577
00:35:09.607 --> 00:35:13.478
And the male's going,
"Move it, black widow."
578
00:35:13.544 --> 00:35:16.514
"You need this, lady, come on!"
579
00:35:16.581 --> 00:35:19.250
Spanks her with all 8 legs.
"Come on, bitch."
580
00:35:22.153 --> 00:35:25.590
But when the male impregnates her,
581
00:35:25.656 --> 00:35:29.760
he has to run for his life
before the widow kills him.
582
00:35:30.294 --> 00:35:32.697
So the male comes and…
583
00:35:32.763 --> 00:35:34.966
I don't know how he comes, okay?
584
00:35:35.533 --> 00:35:39.103
I guess he comes like all males do,
moaning like this.
585
00:35:41.072 --> 00:35:42.373
That's how all males come,
586
00:35:43.741 --> 00:35:45.243
making caveman noises.
587
00:35:47.411 --> 00:35:49.981
Some come in installments.
588
00:35:53.551 --> 00:35:55.386
I guess the spider comes…
589
00:35:56.387 --> 00:35:58.122
And runs off or gets killed.
590
00:36:00.558 --> 00:36:02.960
The widow goes, "Hey! Asshole!"
591
00:36:04.996 --> 00:36:06.230
"Send me your number."
592
00:36:08.099 --> 00:36:12.136
So I wonder how the male runs off
593
00:36:12.203 --> 00:36:17.141
when I know that after sex
your legs don't work properly?
594
00:36:18.809 --> 00:36:20.711
Sure, because he's got 8 legs.
595
00:36:21.379 --> 00:36:23.848
Six run and the other two
get dragged along.
596
00:36:24.815 --> 00:36:27.018
The last two get dragged like this.
597
00:36:28.953 --> 00:36:32.223
So, if I screw a widow, she'll kill me.
598
00:36:33.291 --> 00:36:34.892
"Let's go!"
599
00:36:37.695 --> 00:36:39.230
I'm sprawled on the floor.
600
00:36:39.730 --> 00:36:41.866
The spider asks, "What's wrong?" "Sorry."
601
00:36:43.134 --> 00:36:44.302
"I fell from the roof."
602
00:36:45.503 --> 00:36:46.370
"I fell in love."
603
00:36:49.607 --> 00:36:53.177
You must wonder how I know so much stuff.
604
00:36:53.244 --> 00:36:55.980
Because I was taught everything I know.
605
00:36:56.047 --> 00:36:58.049
I knew nothing. My wife taught me.
606
00:36:58.115 --> 00:37:00.751
My wife was a genius when we met.
607
00:37:02.119 --> 00:37:03.821
We went to a motel.
608
00:37:03.888 --> 00:37:07.258
Her phone connected automatically
to the Internet.
609
00:37:08.492 --> 00:37:09.360
Automatically.
610
00:37:09.927 --> 00:37:13.731
"How did you do that, you witch?"
"I downloaded an app."
611
00:37:14.732 --> 00:37:16.667
"What app?" "Rodrigo."
612
00:37:18.736 --> 00:37:20.605
It's true.
613
00:37:20.671 --> 00:37:23.074
So she taught me everything I know.
614
00:37:23.140 --> 00:37:25.876
For example, while we were at it
one night she said,
615
00:37:26.544 --> 00:37:29.814
"Hit me." And I'm like, "But I love you."
616
00:37:29.880 --> 00:37:32.250
I was shocked, and she said, "Hit me!"
617
00:37:32.316 --> 00:37:34.485
"I love you. Why would I hit you?"
618
00:37:34.552 --> 00:37:37.588
"Spank me." "But you're a big girl now!"
619
00:37:38.389 --> 00:37:42.093
"Hit me, you fool!"
So I hit her. Then she kicked me out.
620
00:37:43.294 --> 00:37:47.331
She liked it missionary style.
I said sure and gave her a pamphlet.
621
00:37:48.232 --> 00:37:49.634
"You need to tithe, man."
622
00:37:50.968 --> 00:37:53.104
Then she said, "Buy me a dildo."
623
00:37:53.170 --> 00:37:56.207
A dildo is a kind of vibrator that goes…
624
00:37:56.774 --> 00:37:58.809
Right? Some are more powerful.
625
00:38:00.578 --> 00:38:03.414
Some big black ones have Wi-Fi and stuff.
626
00:38:04.515 --> 00:38:07.318
Some are so huge and pretty
they even have names,
627
00:38:07.385 --> 00:38:08.686
"Tremulous Pancho."
628
00:38:10.288 --> 00:38:12.890
There's a new dildo for modern women.
629
00:38:12.957 --> 00:38:15.960
I don't know the name,
I don't use those dildos.
630
00:38:16.027 --> 00:38:18.296
I saw a girl using it like this.
631
00:38:19.230 --> 00:38:23.100
You hear bells ring,
and they get possessed by evil spirits.
632
00:38:26.070 --> 00:38:30.841
I call them The Exorcist dildos.
I tried one out of curiosity.
633
00:38:32.276 --> 00:38:34.478
Just the tip, I said, but it went in.
634
00:38:36.614 --> 00:38:39.884
I was walking funny all over the house.
635
00:38:39.950 --> 00:38:42.053
I looked like I was dancing duranguense.
636
00:38:43.287 --> 00:38:46.624
I left the room like this,
and my daughter asked what was wrong.
637
00:38:52.496 --> 00:38:53.631
"Call your mom!"
638
00:38:56.367 --> 00:38:59.303
She came back from the market
two hours later.
639
00:38:59.870 --> 00:39:02.006
I was lying on the couch like this.
640
00:39:02.573 --> 00:39:03.908
Shaking like that.
641
00:39:04.742 --> 00:39:07.311
My wife asked what was wrong.
I asked her for an IV.
642
00:39:08.546 --> 00:39:10.214
"I soiled the rug, look."
643
00:39:11.182 --> 00:39:12.450
It looked like a snail.
644
00:39:20.825 --> 00:39:23.894
So you probably think this guy
with everything he knows,
645
00:39:23.961 --> 00:39:26.497
must love table dance clubs, but I don't.
646
00:39:27.064 --> 00:39:30.768
I've never been to a table dance club.
Seriously,
647
00:39:32.670 --> 00:39:34.772
What? Did you see me or what?
648
00:39:36.741 --> 00:39:38.776
I admit going to one recently.
649
00:39:38.843 --> 00:39:44.348
But not for me. I did it for you guys.
To have something to talk about now.
650
00:39:45.449 --> 00:39:48.085
I went to this club
with all the staff turnover,
651
00:39:48.686 --> 00:39:52.356
because of the orange neon sign,
652
00:39:52.423 --> 00:39:57.428
"Girls wanted. Salary plus commission.
We provide daycare."
653
00:39:58.896 --> 00:40:00.431
I said, "Daycare? Wow!"
654
00:40:01.499 --> 00:40:04.435
I saw some ladies leaving
dressed as nurses.
655
00:40:04.502 --> 00:40:08.205
Unbelievable. A daycare with an infirmary?
656
00:40:09.106 --> 00:40:12.143
One left, dressed up as a cop.
So they had security.
657
00:40:12.676 --> 00:40:16.247
Then one dressed up her bare skin.
You can make a baby in there too.
658
00:40:17.181 --> 00:40:21.051
I went inside the club
and my advice for you guys
659
00:40:21.118 --> 00:40:23.254
is to be alert with the waiters.
660
00:40:24.054 --> 00:40:26.157
Because waiters are jerks.
661
00:40:27.958 --> 00:40:29.827
Table dance club waiters.
662
00:40:30.928 --> 00:40:32.163
Just those, okay?
663
00:40:32.763 --> 00:40:35.299
The golf club restaurant ones are worse.
664
00:40:38.636 --> 00:40:43.007
Because when a table dance club waiter
knows you're got cash,
665
00:40:43.073 --> 00:40:48.112
they tell the girls that work there
that a godfather arrived.
666
00:40:48.179 --> 00:40:50.214
"A godfather's here."
667
00:40:50.281 --> 00:40:53.451
"Shut up." I had the savings pool,
so I was a godfather.
668
00:40:54.685 --> 00:40:58.856
All my god-daughters wanted tips.
"What's up, Godfather?"
669
00:40:58.923 --> 00:41:00.925
"Hello, dear. How's your mom?"
670
00:41:02.193 --> 00:41:05.996
I invested my entire buying power
in a bucket of ten beers.
671
00:41:06.063 --> 00:41:10.534
And with the bucket
there was a free private dance.
672
00:41:11.035 --> 00:41:13.237
I didn't know what a private dance was.
673
00:41:14.538 --> 00:41:16.941
A girl showed up
in scanty clothing like this.
674
00:41:17.441 --> 00:41:19.477
Put on music for a free private dance.
675
00:41:21.612 --> 00:41:23.380
She walked up to me like this.
676
00:41:32.623 --> 00:41:36.260
The guy with the camera, please,
stop looking at me like that.
677
00:41:37.461 --> 00:41:39.396
You're freaking me out, dude.
678
00:41:39.463 --> 00:41:41.832
Do I gawk at you like this?
679
00:41:43.634 --> 00:41:46.070
That's uncomfortable, right?
Stop gawking at me.
680
00:41:46.704 --> 00:41:48.138
Okay, here we go again.
681
00:41:48.639 --> 00:41:51.141
Please make me feel like a woman.
682
00:41:55.145 --> 00:41:57.781
I asked a friend to do that,
and he grabbed my tit.
683
00:42:00.384 --> 00:42:01.218
Here we go.
684
00:42:01.285 --> 00:42:04.088
One, two, three.
I need cash for the diapers.
685
00:42:09.326 --> 00:42:11.996
I know it's a luxury, but I'm worth it.
686
00:42:13.397 --> 00:42:15.599
What toothless guy did this?
687
00:42:18.002 --> 00:42:19.503
What was that?
688
00:42:20.237 --> 00:42:22.306
If you can't whistle, do a "tweet-tweet."
689
00:42:26.510 --> 00:42:27.945
Here we go again.
690
00:42:28.012 --> 00:42:30.648
One, two, three, let's get the kid a dad.
691
00:42:43.861 --> 00:42:46.230
It's freezing down here.
692
00:42:47.565 --> 00:42:48.599
No way.
693
00:42:52.036 --> 00:42:53.003
Okay. Okay.
694
00:42:56.240 --> 00:42:58.742
I'm too old for this shit.
695
00:43:01.946 --> 00:43:05.149
Okay, here we go again. I got this.
696
00:43:07.351 --> 00:43:10.554
I've all these great cheers. Here we go.
697
00:43:10.621 --> 00:43:13.757
One, two, three,
a lioness is not a pussycat.
698
00:43:17.328 --> 00:43:19.196
Here we go, one, two, three.
699
00:43:19.263 --> 00:43:22.833
If I fall on my butt, it's because
the damn pumps don't fit.
700
00:43:24.535 --> 00:43:26.604
The girl walks up to me half naked.
701
00:43:36.080 --> 00:43:38.849
That's how they turn you on
at these table dance clubs.
702
00:43:44.421 --> 00:43:46.290
The ones that laughed know it.
703
00:43:48.292 --> 00:43:50.861
She walks up to me and says hi.
704
00:43:51.795 --> 00:43:52.663
"Hi."
705
00:43:54.198 --> 00:43:55.366
"How are you?"
706
00:43:55.866 --> 00:43:58.135
"Fine, thank God, hanging in there."
707
00:43:59.503 --> 00:44:01.772
"Thank God we're okay."
708
00:44:02.940 --> 00:44:05.042
"Let's go," she said.
709
00:44:05.109 --> 00:44:06.043
"Where?"
710
00:44:07.878 --> 00:44:10.347
"Somewhere more comfortable."
711
00:44:10.414 --> 00:44:12.483
"Go right ahead. I like it here."
712
00:44:14.084 --> 00:44:17.187
"Let's make your dreams come true."
713
00:44:17.755 --> 00:44:19.857
"Will I finish high school?"
714
00:44:22.059 --> 00:44:24.228
"Your most intimate dreams."
715
00:44:24.294 --> 00:44:29.066
"Will you make me rich?"
"You'll feel like a million bucks."
716
00:44:30.267 --> 00:44:32.736
So I went with her. You won't believe it!
717
00:44:32.803 --> 00:44:35.973
What a great daycare!
All the kids would want to stay.
718
00:44:38.042 --> 00:44:41.078
I'm not explaining my jokes, okay?
719
00:44:42.379 --> 00:44:44.481
They are imagination jokes.
720
00:44:45.315 --> 00:44:48.485
So you need to use your imagination.
721
00:44:49.186 --> 00:44:53.624
Haven't you used imaginary rocks
to throw at dogs?
722
00:44:54.892 --> 00:44:57.061
Take that, you freaking dog!
723
00:44:58.028 --> 00:44:59.663
And the dog gets scared.
724
00:45:00.564 --> 00:45:02.599
That's the power of imagination.
725
00:45:02.666 --> 00:45:06.704
It's the same power women use to hurt us.
726
00:45:06.770 --> 00:45:08.972
Where do women hurt us? Here.
727
00:45:09.573 --> 00:45:11.842
In the mind, the imagination.
728
00:45:11.909 --> 00:45:14.478
When? While you're having sex.
729
00:45:14.545 --> 00:45:16.747
When you're doing it with her.
730
00:45:21.051 --> 00:45:23.187
Yes, you jerks, with style.
731
00:45:23.253 --> 00:45:28.926
Some guys are real jerks. No.
732
00:45:30.027 --> 00:45:30.861
No!
733
00:45:31.795 --> 00:45:34.031
It's with style.
734
00:45:34.098 --> 00:45:37.601
One, two, one, two.
735
00:45:37.668 --> 00:45:39.369
One, one, one!
736
00:45:40.437 --> 00:45:43.741
You're doing it. She's moaning like crazy.
737
00:45:43.807 --> 00:45:47.144
That's a sign
that you're doing a good job.
738
00:45:47.711 --> 00:45:48.912
She's like…
739
00:45:54.585 --> 00:45:57.087
If I were a chick, I'd be such a slut.
740
00:45:58.288 --> 00:46:00.057
I'd do it twice.
741
00:46:02.826 --> 00:46:03.660
It goes in.
742
00:46:05.162 --> 00:46:06.029
It comes out.
743
00:46:07.731 --> 00:46:08.599
You're done.
744
00:46:11.201 --> 00:46:14.471
She'll be moaning like crazy.
That's part of it.
745
00:46:18.542 --> 00:46:22.946
But they moan like crazy too,
7,5 on the Richter scale.
746
00:46:23.547 --> 00:46:24.381
It's like…
747
00:46:26.617 --> 00:46:28.852
Where did it hurt you, bro? Here.
748
00:46:29.753 --> 00:46:31.321
It hurt you here in the head
749
00:46:31.388 --> 00:46:35.225
because we men imagine
all kinds of nonsense.
750
00:46:36.527 --> 00:46:38.529
"I'm killing her."
751
00:46:39.830 --> 00:46:42.099
"I'm rocking her world."
752
00:46:42.900 --> 00:46:45.002
"Who's your stud, bitch?"
753
00:46:46.036 --> 00:46:49.239
|f she moans the same way
at the same time,
754
00:46:51.108 --> 00:46:52.843
we men can't deal with it.
755
00:46:55.746 --> 00:46:57.481
I grab her hair. "Are you okay?"
756
00:46:58.315 --> 00:47:01.351
"Three minutes. I'd kill you if I go on."
757
00:47:03.086 --> 00:47:06.256
Thank you, Monterrey. You're the greatest!
758
00:48:39.383 --> 00:48:44.388
Subtitle translation by: Ricardo Espinoza