1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:09,275
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:13,880
Hey, camera guy, could you please
stop looking at me like that?
5
00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:17,083
You're freaking me out here.
6
00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:50,183
Thank you so much, Monterrey!
7
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,485
You're the best!
8
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:56,423
Thanks for sharing my dream with me today.
9
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,525
We'll have a ball. Thank you so much.
10
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:01,428
I'll introduce myself to the newcomers.
11
00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:05,498
Okay. You're obviously high.
12
00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,568
Those are my folks.
Thanks for coming, Mom.
13
00:01:09,936 --> 00:01:11,337
Let's have some fun.
14
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:16,276
For the newcomers, I'm Alan Saldaña.
I'm not from this beautiful city.
15
00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:18,978
I live in Monterrey,
but I grew up in Reynosa,
16
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:22,515
a nice, non-violent town,
where there's peace and quiet.
17
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:27,520
What? This town is awful too.
I was killed like six times here.
18
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,725
But now I feel immortal.
I can't die anymore.
19
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:37,597
So, what kind of comedy do I do?
Stand-up, observational comedy.
20
00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:41,835
I analyze everything,
and I just had a cruel experience.
21
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,337
The worst experience any man can have.
22
00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:47,006
Raise your hands, guys,
23
00:01:47,073 --> 00:01:50,844
if you have been quarantined
after a pregnancy.
24
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:53,880
What, bros? Don't you have sex?
25
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,450
Get out there and start breeding.
26
00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:00,587
When my doctor said to me,
27
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:05,692
"It's 40 sexless days and nights,"
I said no problem.
28
00:02:05,758 --> 00:02:08,228
I looked at my hand and asked,
"Remember me?"
29
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:12,298
But my wife said, "No cheating, faggot."
30
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:15,635
I thought 40 days and nights
were no big deal.
31
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,537
But it's a helluva long time.
32
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:21,574
The first 15 quarantine days
went by smoothly.
33
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,878
I was in full control of the situation.
34
00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:28,448
Twenty days later, I was having twinges.
35
00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:32,352
I was like, "Oh, fuck!"
36
00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:35,522
Twenty-five days later,
one ball was swollen.
37
00:02:35,588 --> 00:02:36,956
I walked like this.
38
00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:39,459
Just like Quasimodo.
39
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,596
At 35 days, I hugged my friends
very affectionately.
40
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,265
"How are you doing, dude?
41
00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:47,667
Come closer, you faggot."
42
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:52,138
Forty days later, I hoped the doctor
would give me the green light.
43
00:02:52,205 --> 00:02:55,141
Because I saw my own doctor, Dr. Simi.
44
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,113
I waited forever for the doc
to give me the green light.
45
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,749
I waited for the damn cocky doctor!
I was like,
46
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:07,754
"Come on, man!
It's been 40 days! I'm horny."
47
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:10,657
And the doc was like.
And I was like, "Come on!"
48
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,693
And I was so desperate
I hit the table like this.
49
00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:17,463
And it didn't hurt.
50
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:21,201
I could even crack a walnut.
51
00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:24,637
Sometimes I even crack coconuts.
52
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:26,839
Some Sundays at the mall,
53
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:29,676
"A coconut, sir."
"Sure, I'll crack it for you."
54
00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:30,710
"With chili?"
55
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,783
I was waiting for the doc
to give me the green light, until he said,
56
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,117
"You're allowed."
57
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:40,753
Put yourselves in my shoes.
Everything I felt.
58
00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:44,324
Forty days with no action.
You think I waited until I get home?
59
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:47,560
Like hell I did.
I did it In the doctor's office.
60
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,830
Up and down, missionary style.
61
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:53,833
And the doc was like, "Get off of me!
Give me a break!"
62
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,437
So outside, I screwed the chick
in the animal costume.
63
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,973
Then my wife wanted some and I said,
64
00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:03,543
"Tomorrow. I have a headache.
I just cracked a walnut."
65
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:09,482
I analyze everything
that happens to me in my life.
66
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:12,752
I like my life.
I'm a good dad, just so you know.
67
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:16,089
I put my kids
in the Colegio Irlandés school.
68
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:20,126
You don't believe me?
So I need to get my son out of there?
69
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:24,831
When he asks why he can't go to school,
I'll say because people don't believe me.
70
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,769
I put him in an expensive school,
71
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,872
because he needs it for good education.
72
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:37,944
The kid gets there at 7:30 a.m,
leaves at 2:30 p.m.,
73
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:41,781
then he does
his extracurricular activities,
74
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,018
and I get him back at 9:30 p.m.
ready to be tucked in.
75
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:50,056
I'd let him sleep in the school,
but I can't.
76
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,457
The janitor won't let me.
77
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,160
So I like that school.
78
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:57,430
One day, I forgot
he was finishing at 9 p.m.
79
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,233
I got there at 9:30 p.m. to pick him up.
80
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,635
There was nobody but his karate coach.
81
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:06,639
And I showed up saying,
"I'm sorry. I forgot."
82
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:12,412
And my kid's always happy to see me.
He was so happy because he rarely sees me.
83
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:15,481
He goes, "Dad! Dad!" "What is it, son?"
84
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,618
"Guess what my karate coach taught me."
85
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:20,053
"What, son? What?"
86
00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:23,923
So my kid turns around
and punches another kid.
87
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,159
He knocked that kid out.
88
00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:31,531
I must admit I was proud that my kid
knocked out another kid.
89
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:36,803
But I hated to find out
the kid's dad was the karate teacher.
90
00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:41,007
I could've been knocked out
because of him.
91
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:45,411
So, I immediately said,
"What did I tell you, huh?"
92
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:48,181
"Help the kid up
and pick up his crutches, dude!"
93
00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:52,518
"You don't hit kids that can park
in the spaces for disabled people."
94
00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:57,190
So I analyze everything
that happens to me,
95
00:05:57,256 --> 00:05:59,625
and I analyze people's behavior.
96
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,762
Times have changed.
97
00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:05,565
People are so biased.
98
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:07,900
Raise your hand if you're biased.
99
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:13,506
Okay, raise your hand
if you know what being biased means.
100
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:17,810
People can be so judgmental, for example,
101
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:20,346
I notice how people treat me differently
102
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:24,183
when I'm in a nice suit and tie,
than when I'm in drag.
103
00:06:26,419 --> 00:06:28,888
They treat me differently, the jerks.
104
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:32,625
Sure, I'm biased too. I don't deny it.
105
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:36,162
If I see a gangster kid on the street
walking like this,
106
00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:38,231
my bias says he's a pothead.
107
00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:41,834
Maybe he's no pothead,
and washes cars, but I think he is.
108
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:46,005
I see a guy in a suit
carrying some pamphlets
109
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,709
during my Sunday barbecue,
my bias says he's a Jehovah's Witness.
110
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:54,580
I see a chick on a corner
in a miniskirt, with big boobs,
111
00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:57,517
smoking out there
in the middle of the night,
112
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,652
my bias says she's a dude.
113
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,656
Everybody is biased.
114
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,793
People judge you
by the kind of music you like.
115
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:11,297
If you like vallenato music,
people label you as trashy.
116
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,833
If you like Arjona, you're a moron.
117
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:17,937
If you like reggae, you're a pothead.
118
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:22,742
If you like banda,
you're the reggae guy's pot dealer.
119
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:26,446
And if you like Jenni Rivera,
120
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,482
you're the reggae guy's pot dealer's mom.
121
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:33,686
Thank you.
122
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:41,160
Another thing I criticize a lot
are Jehovah's Witnesses.
123
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:44,664
And don't get me wrong,
I respect all beliefs and religions,
124
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,866
but why the hell do they come on Sundays?
125
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,068
When I'm hungover.
126
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,772
They never show up on Sundays
when I'm not feeling rough.
127
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:58,211
But they smell a hungover sinner
and come running.
128
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:02,448
Why not show up on Monday, dudes?
129
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:06,052
They show up on Sundays
because barbecue empowers them.
130
00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:11,357
They burst into flames on Monday.
"Oh no, it's Monday!"
131
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:16,128
All that's left is a Bible, an umbrella,
and the Watchtower pamphlets.
132
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:21,200
Jehovah Witnesses show up on Sunday
knocking on your door like this:
133
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,547
The Coppel guys leave, but not them.
134
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:38,317
"Anybody home?"
135
00:08:39,218 --> 00:08:41,354
"Why did you turn the lights off?"
136
00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:45,224
"We can hear the TV."
137
00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,427
The instant you peek through the window
they go, "I saw you!"
138
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:52,865
You ask politely, "How can I help you?"
"We're the Witnesses."
139
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,001
"I know, I saw the umbrella."
140
00:08:56,435 --> 00:09:01,207
"Would you like to become a Witness?"
"No testifying for me, thanks."
141
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,243
"We're the sisters of Christ."
142
00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:06,178
"You look great for your age."
143
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,416
"What do you take, Herbalife?
How do you do it?"
144
00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:15,621
So they know I'm a jerk,
and they quit showing up.
145
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:18,758
Instead, they use WhatsApp now
because all jerks are Catholic.
146
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:20,993
They put up a sign outside their house,
147
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,196
"This is a Catholic home."
Just below the census sign.
148
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,633
The Witnesses put one that says,
149
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:31,370
"This guy's a jerk.
Census guys, don't count the jerk."
150
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:36,876
They don't show up now, they use WhatsApp.
I'm asleep on Sunday, and it goes…
151
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:41,581
I open the message at 9 a.m.,
still half asleep,
152
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:45,217
and it says, "We are Jehovah's Witnesses."
153
00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:47,553
"Umbrella. Umbrella."
154
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,657
"Repent, sinner!" Hands like this.
155
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:56,429
"Last chance.
The end of the world is near."
156
00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:59,265
"XD. XD. XD."
157
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:03,703
How do you reply
to such a threatening message?
158
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,304
I sent them this emoji:
159
00:10:07,406 --> 00:10:11,243
"Maybe your world is ending
but not mine. Blocked!"
160
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,649
You think they quit saving me?
No, they're looking for my weaknesses.
161
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:20,453
They know I like gossip
so they exploit that.
162
00:10:20,519 --> 00:10:23,522
They yell outside the house,
"Heard the good news?"
163
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:27,259
"What good news?"
164
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:31,430
"Salvation is at hand."
"Is it here?" "Not yet."
165
00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:34,433
"Let me know when it's here.
I'm hungover."
166
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:39,438
Next Sunday the wiseguys
try something new. "Fire!"
167
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:42,408
"Where?"
"In your heart for not accepting us."
168
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,576
"Give me a break!"
169
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:46,379
"Let me talk to your boss."
170
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:49,515
"Put your hands together
to talk to the boss."
171
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,385
"I said the boss,
not the owner of the company."
172
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,654
"You mean the pastor?"
173
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,923
"Here's a pamphlet
with the number in the back.
174
00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,760
Zero 1-800 God hears you. The Watchtower.
175
00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:01,927
They'll answer you."
176
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,329
So I called.
177
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:07,867
"Thank you for calling
the Jehovah Witnesses line."
178
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,436
"Witnesses, dial one."
179
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,973
"If you're not a Witness,
you'll go to hell, but dial two."
180
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,909
I dialed two and burned my finger.
181
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,947
"To join our congregation, dial one."
182
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:25,851
"To make a donation
to our congregation, dial two."
183
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,989
"To apply for a copy
of a lost pamphlet, dial three."
184
00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:33,526
"To get for information
about our umbrella sale,
185
00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:35,861
dial four."
186
00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:39,965
"To purchase fabrics,
that we sell by the meter,
187
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,500
and sew your own skirt,
188
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,036
dial five."
189
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:46,939
"To speak with a pastor, dial zero."
190
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,642
Sure, why the hell not? Zero it is.
191
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,079
And the music on hold goes like this…
192
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:58,617
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
193
00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:01,520
"All our pastors are currently busy."
194
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:04,023
"Please, hold."
195
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,424
And the music goes again.
196
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:09,028
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
197
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,731
"Two umbrellas for the price of one.
Get yours now."
198
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:16,469
Hallelujah
199
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:19,138
"Had enough of Hell?
Don't know how to be saved?"
200
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:24,243
"Join our preacher team
and bug people every Sunday."
201
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:27,046
"Live the experience.
Base salary plus commission."
202
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,950
Hallelujah
203
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:34,053
"This is Pastor Alemán.
Who's calling, please?"
204
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,158
"Alan."
"How can we help you, brother Alan?"
205
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,193
"I'd like to cancel my subscription."
206
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:45,231
"Is there a problem?"
"No. I have all the pamphlets."
207
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:49,668
"So why are you canceling?"
"You guys show up way too early."
208
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:55,107
"Should we change your visiting hours?
We have slots at 7:00, 8:00, 9:00."
209
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:57,376
"Come over on Monday." "That's s problem."
210
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,814
"We're closed on Mondays."
"Are you construction workers?"
211
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,717
"I want to cancel."
212
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:08,287
"Here's the cancellation number.
Can you write it down?"
213
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:12,191
"Yes I can." "Write this down, 666."
214
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:17,663
"Dial that to cancel your salvation."
"Anything else?"
215
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:21,133
"Could you help us rate
the pastor's service?"
216
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,838
"From one to ten,
how would you rate the pastor's service?"
217
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:26,739
I said six.
218
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:33,646
Next Sunday I was up early,
they didn't show up, and I went…
219
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:36,215
At 10 a.m.
220
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:40,052
At 11 a.m.,
ridden with guilt, I was like,
221
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,221
"Were they fired because of me?"
222
00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:44,790
"Why did I report them?"
223
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:48,627
"Maybe they had little Witnesses
to support, and I didn't care."
224
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:51,197
Thank you.
225
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:56,936
I will not be called a misogynist.
226
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,839
In my next sketch,
I'm badmouthing a woman,
227
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:02,508
Do not call me a misogynist.
228
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,643
I have nothing against women.
229
00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:06,979
My beef is only with this fucking broad.
230
00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:11,784
She's fat, so don't start saying,
"Oh, he said that fat women…"
231
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,287
No. I love fat women.
I screwed a few of them.
232
00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:19,859
Some fatties don't get any.
"You don't get any? Right this way."
233
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:24,496
I like fat chicks because in bed
you tell them to swallow,
234
00:14:25,097 --> 00:14:26,365
and they're still hungry.
235
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,202
"Is there any more?"
236
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,671
Here's why I hated this fat chick.
237
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,641
I was flying home
from a tour in Guadalajara.
238
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,778
Raise your hand if you've been on a plane.
239
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,547
You'll get the message.
240
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,983
For the rest of you,
it's like a bus with wings.
241
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:51,357
So, I'm on the plane, and airplane seats
come in rows. A. B. C.
242
00:14:51,423 --> 00:14:56,262
A is the window, C is the aisle.
I had an aisle seat.
243
00:14:56,829 --> 00:15:00,699
This fatso came in. One of those
with a screechy voice that nobody likes.
244
00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:05,604
With a skinny girlfriend, the usual combo.
245
00:15:05,671 --> 00:15:09,375
It's always a fat chick
and a skinny chick.
246
00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:13,212
They boarded Noah's Arc.
The fat chick and the skinny chick.
247
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:17,917
I hated this porky
because of all her bitching.
248
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:20,853
It all started because there was no room
for her carry-on.
249
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,054
So she made a scene.
250
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,991
"Why don't they check-in their bags?"
251
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:29,228
"They use up all the damn space!
Where do I put my bag?"
252
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:31,830
"Right, Gladys?"
253
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:34,366
Gladys is her skinny confidant.
254
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:37,703
I thought,
"You dumb broad. Just look elsewhere."
255
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,138
I hated her even more
256
00:15:39,204 --> 00:15:42,775
when she said this about a baby
who was crying.
257
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,912
"Is this a daycare or an airline?"
258
00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:51,650
"Somebody breastfeed the kid
to shut him up. Right, Gladys?"
259
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:55,187
I go, "I hope this dumb broad
doesn't sit next to me."
260
00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:59,458
That was like a magnet.
Fatso sat in the B seat, in the middle.
261
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,360
Gladys in the window seat like this.
262
00:16:02,094 --> 00:16:03,696
I'm in the aisle seat like this.
263
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:09,335
The flight attendant says we'd open
the emergency exit, and I'm like…
264
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:12,338
"What exit?"
265
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,040
"Where do I exit?"
266
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:19,979
The fatso started annoying me
from the instant she sat down.
267
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,049
"Ever since they let yokels fly
268
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:27,486
they make the seats smaller
to squeeze in more yokels.
269
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:30,322
Right, Gladys?
270
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:35,427
That fucking bitch!
Then she started doing this to me.
271
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,031
I got mad because she put fat on me.
272
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,169
"Watch the armrest. This is my armrest."
273
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,339
"That's yours. Stop invading my space."
274
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:49,575
"Right, Gladys?"
275
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:54,046
I thought she'd put her arm there.
But no, just a roll of fat.
276
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:59,518
Porky kept bitching
that even her guy dumped her.
277
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:02,921
"Oh, Gladys. The jerk cheated on me
with that scrawny thing."
278
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:07,059
"I'll block him on Facebook, WhatsApp,
Instagram, my heart."
279
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,762
"I'll have him for lunch
with tortillas and avocado."
280
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:11,730
"Right, Gladys?"
281
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:17,369
And I thought, "Forgive him.
Who'll believe a big fat jerk like you?"
282
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:20,372
"I'd screw you if you were nice, so no."
283
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,910
I put my headphones on.
Didn't want to hear it anymore.
284
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,845
I hated her, but meant no disrespect.
285
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:29,481
I slipped into my world
with my headphones.
286
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,550
She started hitting my headphones.
287
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:34,453
But they were Bose so I heard nothing.
288
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,090
Okay. They weren't.
289
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,059
They were gowin brand.
290
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:43,462
The Oxxo ones.
She wedged the rubber bit inside.
291
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:49,368
So she's knocking it and I say, "Yes?"
292
00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:54,039
"Lower your dumb yokel music.
It's annoying."
293
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:56,508
"I'm discussing some issues with Gladys."
294
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,211
"Right, Gladys?"
295
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:03,115
I go, "So fly first class
and go fuck yourself in the front."
296
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:05,517
"But get three seats for your fat ass."
297
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:09,354
"And I'll knock you silly
if you keep putting your fat all over me."
298
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:12,024
"Fuck you! Right, Gladys?"
299
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:18,931
Thank you.
300
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:22,634
Sorry. I couldn't stand her.
301
00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:28,140
You see, I'm very transparent,
very sincere.
302
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:32,578
And with all my sincerity,
I'm still so unlucky in love.
303
00:18:32,644 --> 00:18:35,180
I've been sent to the friend zone a lot.
304
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:38,650
Raise your hands
if you know what friend zone means.
305
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:43,655
Okay, let me explain what it is
to those of you who don't know.
306
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,959
"Friend" means we're dating,
"zone" means no sex.
307
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:51,830
How did I know I was in the friend zone?
308
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:56,335
Because the girl I wanted
kept using the word "friend."
309
00:18:56,401 --> 00:18:59,738
"Hi, girlfriend."
"I'm fine, girlfriend, and you?"
310
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:03,509
"Hi, how are you?"
"Way out of your league."
311
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:09,148
How did I know she didn't care?
She made out with the whole school.
312
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:13,819
She even dated the school's janitor.
But not me.
313
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:17,189
I thought it was because
we had no romantic moments.
314
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:20,359
So I took her on a date to the movies.
315
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:23,095
But she showed up with another guy.
316
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:24,830
With the janitor.
317
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:29,067
The worst part
was that I had to buy the popcorn.
318
00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:33,205
I went to get popcorn and the lady asked,
"Are you guys together?"
319
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:35,774
"Always together," I said.
320
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:39,645
"Can we get a friend zone combo, please?"
321
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:43,248
"What's in it, miss?"
322
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:47,252
"Popcorn for you,
a drink with two straws for them,
323
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,922
and a much-needed pair of balls for you."
324
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,725
"And for five more pesos,
a dose of dignity."
325
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,996
"Are there any other combos?"
"The Three's a Crowd combo."
326
00:19:58,063 --> 00:19:59,431
"What does that include?"
327
00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:02,568
"Popcorn for them,
a drink with two straws,
328
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:05,537
and throwing hints at you to get lost."
329
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:09,741
"I'll just have the popcorn."
330
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,810
"Okay. We'll give you half a portion."
331
00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:15,247
"Isn't she getting some?"
"She'll get some later."
332
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:21,286
I said, "I can't be in the friend zone.
I'll confess my love to her in style."
333
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:26,158
So I got her a huge teddy bear
that cost me 5000 pesos.
334
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:30,262
A box of Ferrero Rocher
Limited Edition Dark Chocolate
335
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:31,930
at a Sanborns clearance sale.
336
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:35,968
Long-stem red flowers
sprayed with Norwegian water.
337
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:39,871
Where did I get those, you wonder?
From the pothead on the corner.
338
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,442
He's a pothead with a green thumb.
339
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:46,378
And if he says he used Norwegian water,
340
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:49,748
I believe him
because he's a pothead, not a liar.
341
00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:55,254
I got some European refill cologne.
The French stuff.
342
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,023
I ran out of cash. The bear left me broke.
343
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,660
I put on some cologne
in case she kissed me and hugged me,
344
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:02,961
and something happened.
345
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:05,731
What the hell? Let it happen.
346
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:08,233
I couldn't care less, I refill it.
347
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,469
Twenty more sprays,
so it doesn't wear off.
348
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:14,206
But the crap is pure alcohol and I went…
349
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,910
Me and the damn bear, in love.
350
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,980
I tell my future mother-in-law,
351
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:25,017
"Good afternoon, ma'am.
I'm here for your daughter."
352
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:29,588
"And don't be surprised by the big bear,
as my love for her is even bigger."
353
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:33,158
"I got her the chocolate too.
I want her lips to taste like it."
354
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,762
"Flowers that remind me of her beauty.
And I reek of love."
355
00:21:36,828 --> 00:21:39,765
"It's really intense down there.
I spilled some."
356
00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:41,933
"And if she accepts me,
357
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,037
I promise that every day,
every minute, every second,
358
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:47,939
I'll be her true love, work for her,
359
00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:53,178
and with love and dedication,
I'll buy a house to have sex in all day."
360
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:57,249
"And if I have a heart attack,
I'll say I miss her on a Ouija board."
361
00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:05,090
She took one look at me and said,
362
00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:08,727
"What a moron!"
363
00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:12,297
"Couldn't you wait for her and the janitor
to leave the room?"
364
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:17,102
So I ended up with a broken heart
and blue balls.
365
00:22:18,303 --> 00:22:21,173
But God closes a door and opens a window.
366
00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:25,310
Every cloud has a silver lining.
It happened to me.
367
00:22:25,377 --> 00:22:27,979
I met this gorgeous chick.
368
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,749
I don't know what she saw in me,
she was stunning.
369
00:22:30,816 --> 00:22:34,052
We dated for two years.
The first year was pure honey.
370
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:37,522
Bees followed us around
because of all the honey.
371
00:22:37,589 --> 00:22:39,825
So much honey
we looked like Winnie the Pooh.
372
00:22:39,891 --> 00:22:42,728
Year two, our relationship went downhill.
373
00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:47,165
I had to do something or she'd dump me,
and I didn't want to lose this girl.
374
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:49,000
I had to rescue our relationship.
375
00:22:49,067 --> 00:22:53,872
So I had a noble idea
of inviting her to watch Netflix at home.
376
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,408
Just to hang out.
377
00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,644
"Honey, let's watch Netflix together
at my place."
378
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:00,545
"How about it?"
379
00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:04,349
"We'll hang out and create memories
we can laugh about in the future."
380
00:23:05,083 --> 00:23:07,185
And she said, "And you'll fuck me?"
381
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:12,090
I said no and she did…
382
00:23:14,526 --> 00:23:17,429
"It's not a problem.
Just tell me so I can have a shave."
383
00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:21,166
I said no and she said,
"Go see if Mom believes you."
384
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,868
I went, "Good afternoon, ma'am."
385
00:23:22,934 --> 00:23:27,372
"May I take your daughter home
to watch Netflix and chill?"
386
00:23:27,439 --> 00:23:29,074
"So you can fuck her?"
387
00:23:30,609 --> 00:23:32,544
I said no and she said,
388
00:23:32,611 --> 00:23:35,981
"Sure you will. It happened to me,
that's how this idiot was born."
389
00:23:36,047 --> 00:23:37,149
"I know all about it."
390
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,153
And she said to her daughter,
"Go and have a shave. Poor guy."
391
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:46,358
We bumped into her seven-year-old
brother on the way out.
392
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,560
And he asked, "Where are you going?"
393
00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:52,297
Poor innocent kid, I thought.
"To watch Netflix at mine, son."
394
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:53,231
"So, to fuck?"
395
00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:56,435
"Good for you, man!"
396
00:23:56,501 --> 00:23:59,504
"Fuck her brains out. Rock her world!"
397
00:24:00,071 --> 00:24:03,341
I was so embarrassed.
Then the local priest showed up.
398
00:24:03,408 --> 00:24:06,745
"Where are you going, son?"
"To watch Netflix, Father."
399
00:24:06,812 --> 00:24:08,413
"Before the wedding?"
400
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:13,518
"That's a sin,
say Our Father 15 times as penance."
401
00:24:14,019 --> 00:24:15,554
"Twenty if she hasn't shaved."
402
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:22,294
So we went to mine
and did exactly what you're thinking.
403
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,195
I fucked her.
404
00:24:23,862 --> 00:24:25,864
But only because of the social pressure.
405
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:29,801
Thank you.
406
00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:38,243
The problem was when I took her back
to my furious father-in-law.
407
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:41,880
"Where were you morons?"
"Watching a movie at my place."
408
00:24:41,947 --> 00:24:44,616
"I know what that means, and it hurts me."
409
00:24:44,683 --> 00:24:48,019
"Your parents went out.
The house was all yours."
410
00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:51,690
"You abused my trust, it's gone forever.
That's what hurts me."
411
00:24:51,756 --> 00:24:55,861
I felt bad because like, it or not,
the guy was right.
412
00:24:56,461 --> 00:25:00,632
I even said,
"Sorry, sir. I won't fuck her again."
413
00:25:01,199 --> 00:25:04,503
"Don't worry about that!
But why did you use my razor?"
414
00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:10,242
"My whole chin smells like fish."
415
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:15,747
So, I'm unlucky in love.
It never goes well.
416
00:25:16,248 --> 00:25:18,216
You should ask yourself
417
00:25:18,283 --> 00:25:20,919
why the moron invited her over
to watch Netflix?
418
00:25:20,986 --> 00:25:22,554
I love the Internet.
419
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:27,492
I post my videos on YouTube,
I'm always on Instagram or TikTok.
420
00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:32,797
I love the Internet.
But my connection isn't what I expected.
421
00:25:33,331 --> 00:25:35,934
For example, the local provider is Izzi.
422
00:25:36,001 --> 00:25:39,437
I guess it's different elsewhere,
but here it's Izzi.
423
00:25:39,504 --> 00:25:42,507
I signed up because I got hooked
one season
424
00:25:42,574 --> 00:25:44,743
by an artist promoting Izzi.
425
00:25:44,809 --> 00:25:49,381
Remember Rafael Amaya,
El Señor de los Cielos, Aurelio Casillas?
426
00:25:49,447 --> 00:25:51,583
Oh, what a man!
427
00:25:52,083 --> 00:25:54,119
When he says, "Giddy up!"
428
00:25:54,185 --> 00:25:57,255
When he says, "Kidnap me, Chacorta."
I say, "Me too."
429
00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:01,860
I'm watching El Señor de los Cielos
on the slow internet.
430
00:26:01,927 --> 00:26:04,429
Aurelio Casillas freezes
while shooting a guy.
431
00:26:07,866 --> 00:26:09,968
I'm like, "Kill him!" "Let it buffer."
432
00:26:11,636 --> 00:26:13,271
I called Izzi to complain,
433
00:26:13,338 --> 00:26:17,008
and they asked the dumbest question
I've ever heard.
434
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:22,280
I called them and heard, "Thank you
for calling Izzi. If you're a customer…"
435
00:26:22,347 --> 00:26:25,617
Of course I'm a customer.
Why else would I call you?
436
00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:28,353
It's like calling Infinitum.
437
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:32,724
"No, I called to say hello.
Are you having a barbecue, or what?" No.
438
00:26:33,358 --> 00:26:35,727
"If you're an Izzi customer, dial one."
439
00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:38,630
Being a proud Izzi customer, I dialed one.
440
00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:43,835
"Enter your account number."
Who knows their account number?
441
00:26:44,703 --> 00:26:47,005
I was running like an idiot.
My account number?
442
00:26:48,306 --> 00:26:49,641
My account number!
443
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,110
My account number!
444
00:26:52,177 --> 00:26:56,348
Running all over my two-story house,
"My account number!"
445
00:26:57,082 --> 00:26:58,416
What, deadbeats?
446
00:26:59,718 --> 00:27:02,053
So I have to be broke
because you're broke?
447
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,689
All over the house, "My account number!"
448
00:27:04,756 --> 00:27:07,592
Speeding in the golf cart,
"My account number!"
449
00:27:08,226 --> 00:27:10,829
Around the pool, "My account number!"
450
00:27:11,596 --> 00:27:12,697
I got to the elevator.
451
00:27:15,266 --> 00:27:16,234
Skeptics.
452
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:23,541
Oh! The garage.
453
00:27:26,411 --> 00:27:27,812
My account number!
454
00:27:29,180 --> 00:27:32,183
Then I entered the account number,
five, four, seven…
455
00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:34,119
You'd hack me if I told you.
456
00:27:35,954 --> 00:27:41,626
What bugs me so much
when you call this kind of company,
457
00:27:41,693 --> 00:27:45,296
they're not patient with you
if you make a mistake.
458
00:27:45,363 --> 00:27:49,634
They send you back to the main menu.
You're on hold and you hear…
459
00:27:52,303 --> 00:27:54,606
For fuck's sake! I dialed again.
460
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:58,476
"Thank you for calling Izzi.
If you're a customer, dial one."
461
00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:03,948
"Enter your account number."
Five, four, seven. Slowly to not mess up.
462
00:28:05,450 --> 00:28:11,656
"For telephone issues, dial one.
For Internet issues, dial two."
463
00:28:11,723 --> 00:28:14,859
"If you're the issue, dial eight."
464
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,195
Just out of curiosity, bro.
465
00:28:18,263 --> 00:28:19,097
Eight.
466
00:28:21,499 --> 00:28:24,035
The message is, "Go see a a shrink."
467
00:28:25,937 --> 00:28:29,007
For fuck's sake! I dialed again.
"Thank you for calling Izzi."
468
00:28:29,074 --> 00:28:31,543
"If you're a customer, dial one."
469
00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:34,746
"If you're been rerouted more than twice,
dial two."
470
00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:36,648
I was rerouted more than twice. Two.
471
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,784
"If you're upset about being rerouted,
dial one."
472
00:28:39,851 --> 00:28:42,087
"If you're really upset, dial two."
473
00:28:42,153 --> 00:28:46,291
"If you're mad as hell, dial three."
474
00:28:46,357 --> 00:28:48,226
"To beat somebody up,
475
00:28:48,293 --> 00:28:51,396
because you're upset
about being rerouted, dial four."
476
00:28:51,463 --> 00:28:56,501
"To hurt Izzi's owner
for any reason whatsoever, dial eight."
477
00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:58,737
Screw the owner. Eight.
478
00:28:59,804 --> 00:29:01,506
I hear, "You're no match for him."
479
00:29:07,312 --> 00:29:08,413
Thank you very much.
480
00:29:13,384 --> 00:29:14,619
Thank you very much.
481
00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:19,124
To make a long story short,
I finally spoke with the operator.
482
00:29:19,190 --> 00:29:21,626
But she took ages to answer.
483
00:29:21,693 --> 00:29:25,697
Just so you'll get when I made the call,
have you seen Titanic?
484
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,033
When Jack and Rose board the ship?
485
00:29:29,701 --> 00:29:31,336
That's when I phoned.
486
00:29:32,203 --> 00:29:35,273
Do you remember when the old lady
throws a stone into the sea?
487
00:29:36,141 --> 00:29:38,109
That's when they still hadn't answered.
488
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,413
They did when Lightning McQueen
won the Piston Cup.
489
00:29:44,816 --> 00:29:50,488
So, I dialed the number,
and a lady picked up nonchalantly,
490
00:29:50,555 --> 00:29:52,957
"Thank you for calling Izzi.
How can I help you?"
491
00:29:53,024 --> 00:29:55,026
"Improve your lousy service."
492
00:29:55,093 --> 00:29:58,630
"I keep waiting like a fool,
dialing and hanging up."
493
00:29:58,696 --> 00:30:02,700
"I'm mad as hell.
I don't care if quality control hears me."
494
00:30:02,767 --> 00:30:07,338
"I'm worse than Rafael Amaya when I'm mad.
Come on, dude!"
495
00:30:08,773 --> 00:30:09,641
The lady's like…
496
00:30:11,509 --> 00:30:14,179
"Calm down or I'll send you
to the main menu."
497
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:16,815
"I'm calm," I said.
498
00:30:17,849 --> 00:30:19,050
"I'm calm."
499
00:30:19,751 --> 00:30:21,953
"Now, how can I help you today?"
500
00:30:22,587 --> 00:30:24,956
"I need to cancel my Internet connection."
501
00:30:27,425 --> 00:30:32,630
"This is a good time to cancel
because your bill is due today."
502
00:30:32,697 --> 00:30:33,832
"Okay. Cancel it."
503
00:30:33,898 --> 00:30:36,401
"But we'd hate to lose
such a great customer."
504
00:30:36,901 --> 00:30:40,438
"How can we improve our service?"
"By providing the Internet, bitch."
505
00:30:41,873 --> 00:30:45,543
We argued for a couple of hours
because they hate canceling.
506
00:30:45,610 --> 00:30:48,613
"It's a bad idea."
"It's a great idea. Just cancel it!"
507
00:30:49,113 --> 00:30:51,916
Two hours later,
she said she'd let me cancel,
508
00:30:51,983 --> 00:30:53,852
but I had two bills to pay.
509
00:30:53,918 --> 00:30:57,989
"Just a minute.
You said I owed one bill, lady."
510
00:30:58,056 --> 00:31:00,658
"The other bill became due
while we argued."
511
00:31:02,227 --> 00:31:05,129
"Plus a penalty for early cancellation."
512
00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:09,234
"To help you avoid paying that much,
I'll send you a technician tomorrow."
513
00:31:09,300 --> 00:31:11,002
"Send me the bastard."
514
00:31:11,069 --> 00:31:14,138
"Send him over
so I can take it out on him."
515
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:17,575
At nine, when I'm mad as hell,
ready to beat the crap out of him.
516
00:31:18,610 --> 00:31:19,777
I will slap him silly.
517
00:31:19,844 --> 00:31:22,480
"I'll beat up the dumpster guy,
so send me the jerk."
518
00:31:24,582 --> 00:31:28,620
He showed up at nine.
I opened the door to yell at him.
519
00:31:28,686 --> 00:31:31,489
But It wasn't Rafael Amaya,
El Señor de los Cielos.
520
00:31:32,457 --> 00:31:33,725
Holding a cable reel.
521
00:31:34,559 --> 00:31:36,995
"What is your issue
with the Internet, bitch?"
522
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:39,063
"Nothing, boss. Sorry."
523
00:31:39,831 --> 00:31:42,066
"Chacorta, get him."
And they kidnapped me.
524
00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:45,637
So now, Izzi is your best choice,
trust me.
525
00:31:47,705 --> 00:31:50,375
And if your Internet sucks,
it's because I'm a jerk.
526
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:54,412
Thank you.
527
00:31:57,916 --> 00:31:58,750
Hey.
528
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,319
Why do I need to understand things?
529
00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:04,956
Because comedians need info
to write their shows.
530
00:32:05,023 --> 00:32:07,525
With no info we just talk a bunch of crap.
531
00:32:07,592 --> 00:32:12,397
I recently saw a video
on National Geographic
532
00:32:12,463 --> 00:32:14,666
about the praying mantis.
533
00:32:14,732 --> 00:32:19,370
If you've never seen one,
the mantis is an insect like the cricket,
534
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:23,574
whose forelegs look like it's praying,
hence the name praying mantis.
535
00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:27,111
They're found in the area…
They're in Kung Fu Panda, all right?
536
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,715
They're called praying mantis
because they're like this.
537
00:32:31,516 --> 00:32:35,586
Turns out that when the male mantis
538
00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:39,657
is impregnating the female
in his missionary position,
539
00:32:40,591 --> 00:32:41,960
because they're religious.
540
00:32:43,861 --> 00:32:46,097
And she's going, "Oh, my God!"
541
00:32:47,532 --> 00:32:52,503
The female devours the male's head
during sex.
542
00:32:52,570 --> 00:32:53,571
Go figure.
543
00:32:54,072 --> 00:32:56,040
You'd say, "Ah!"
544
00:32:57,008 --> 00:32:58,643
"Go for it, bitch."
545
00:32:59,444 --> 00:33:00,311
But this?
546
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:02,947
Your face?
547
00:33:04,115 --> 00:33:07,585
To get how serious it is,
imagine you're having sex,
548
00:33:08,486 --> 00:33:11,255
and the crazy woman bites your eye. Damn!
549
00:33:12,357 --> 00:33:14,125
"You went too far!"
550
00:33:14,859 --> 00:33:18,863
"You used to scratch me, bite me,
spank me, but my eye? No way!"
551
00:33:19,530 --> 00:33:21,566
Then the other eye. Man!
552
00:33:21,632 --> 00:33:24,635
"Now I'm blind.
Just fart so I'll know where to aim."
553
00:33:26,137 --> 00:33:29,240
Animals have weird ways
of reproducing, for example,
554
00:33:29,307 --> 00:33:33,444
in the next video
they talked about the black widow,
555
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:36,981
and how she won't let the male
impregnate her.
556
00:33:37,048 --> 00:33:38,416
Don't they get horny?
557
00:33:39,717 --> 00:33:42,453
Isn't her little spider nest needy?
558
00:33:43,254 --> 00:33:47,458
Then I remembered she's a widow,
so she doesn't want to.
559
00:33:48,292 --> 00:33:49,694
She still loves him.
560
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:54,465
The new male says, "Let's go."
"I can't. My ex just died."
561
00:33:56,467 --> 00:33:58,036
-How did he die?
-I killed him.
562
00:33:59,937 --> 00:34:04,776
So the male has to catch her unguarded
to impregnate her.
563
00:34:04,842 --> 00:34:07,245
I guess the unguarded spider is like…
564
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:14,152
This is my best imitation
of an unguarded spider.
565
00:34:15,787 --> 00:34:16,687
It's all I've got.
566
00:34:19,123 --> 00:34:20,091
And stop whining.
567
00:34:20,691 --> 00:34:24,662
If you go by my place at 4 p.m.
I'll be practicing on the handrail.
568
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:28,399
Rehearsing to offer you a great show.
569
00:34:35,106 --> 00:34:37,842
It's true, I'm on the handrail like this.
570
00:34:39,944 --> 00:34:42,847
So, imagine the spider's off guard
like this.
571
00:34:43,448 --> 00:34:45,316
Spinning her web like this.
572
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:50,455
Like Spider-Man.
573
00:34:51,889 --> 00:34:54,158
"Clean that corner up there."
574
00:34:55,226 --> 00:34:58,062
"Up there for my eggs."
That's where they lay their eggs.
575
00:34:58,729 --> 00:35:01,199
And the male jumps on her.
576
00:35:03,868 --> 00:35:05,036
"Get off of me, dude!"
577
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:13,478
And the male's going,
"Move it, black widow."
578
00:35:13,544 --> 00:35:16,514
"You need this, lady, come on!"
579
00:35:16,581 --> 00:35:19,250
Spanks her with all 8 legs.
"Come on, bitch."
580
00:35:22,153 --> 00:35:25,590
But when the male impregnates her,
581
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:29,760
he has to run for his life
before the widow kills him.
582
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:32,697
So the male comes and…
583
00:35:32,763 --> 00:35:34,966
I don't know how he comes, okay?
584
00:35:35,533 --> 00:35:39,103
I guess he comes like all males do,
moaning like this.
585
00:35:41,072 --> 00:35:42,373
That's how all males come,
586
00:35:43,741 --> 00:35:45,243
making caveman noises.
587
00:35:47,411 --> 00:35:49,981
Some come in installments.
588
00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:55,386
I guess the spider comes…
589
00:35:56,387 --> 00:35:58,122
And runs off or gets killed.
590
00:36:00,558 --> 00:36:02,960
The widow goes, "Hey! Asshole!"
591
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:06,230
"Send me your number."
592
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:12,136
So I wonder how the male runs off
593
00:36:12,203 --> 00:36:17,141
when I know that after sex
your legs don't work properly?
594
00:36:18,809 --> 00:36:20,711
Sure, because he's got 8 legs.
595
00:36:21,379 --> 00:36:23,848
Six run and the other two
get dragged along.
596
00:36:24,815 --> 00:36:27,018
The last two get dragged like this.
597
00:36:28,953 --> 00:36:32,223
So, if I screw a widow, she'll kill me.
598
00:36:33,291 --> 00:36:34,892
"Let's go!"
599
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,230
I'm sprawled on the floor.
600
00:36:39,730 --> 00:36:41,866
The spider asks, "What's wrong?" "Sorry."
601
00:36:43,134 --> 00:36:44,302
"I fell from the roof."
602
00:36:45,503 --> 00:36:46,370
"I fell in love."
603
00:36:49,607 --> 00:36:53,177
You must wonder how I know so much stuff.
604
00:36:53,244 --> 00:36:55,980
Because I was taught everything I know.
605
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,049
I knew nothing. My wife taught me.
606
00:36:58,115 --> 00:37:00,751
My wife was a genius when we met.
607
00:37:02,119 --> 00:37:03,821
We went to a motel.
608
00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:07,258
Her phone connected automatically
to the Internet.
609
00:37:08,492 --> 00:37:09,360
Automatically.
610
00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:13,731
"How did you do that, you witch?"
"I downloaded an app."
611
00:37:14,732 --> 00:37:16,667
"What app?" "Rodrigo."
612
00:37:18,736 --> 00:37:20,605
It's true.
613
00:37:20,671 --> 00:37:23,074
So she taught me everything I know.
614
00:37:23,140 --> 00:37:25,876
For example, while we were at it
one night she said,
615
00:37:26,544 --> 00:37:29,814
"Hit me." And I'm like, "But I love you."
616
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,250
I was shocked, and she said, "Hit me!"
617
00:37:32,316 --> 00:37:34,485
"I love you. Why would I hit you?"
618
00:37:34,552 --> 00:37:37,588
"Spank me." "But you're a big girl now!"
619
00:37:38,389 --> 00:37:42,093
"Hit me, you fool!"
So I hit her. Then she kicked me out.
620
00:37:43,294 --> 00:37:47,331
She liked it missionary style.
I said sure and gave her a pamphlet.
621
00:37:48,232 --> 00:37:49,634
"You need to tithe, man."
622
00:37:50,968 --> 00:37:53,104
Then she said, "Buy me a dildo."
623
00:37:53,170 --> 00:37:56,207
A dildo is a kind of vibrator that goes…
624
00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:58,809
Right? Some are more powerful.
625
00:38:00,578 --> 00:38:03,414
Some big black ones have Wi-Fi and stuff.
626
00:38:04,515 --> 00:38:07,318
Some are so huge and pretty
they even have names,
627
00:38:07,385 --> 00:38:08,686
"Tremulous Pancho."
628
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:12,890
There's a new dildo for modern women.
629
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:15,960
I don't know the name,
I don't use those dildos.
630
00:38:16,027 --> 00:38:18,296
I saw a girl using it like this.
631
00:38:19,230 --> 00:38:23,100
You hear bells ring,
and they get possessed by evil spirits.
632
00:38:26,070 --> 00:38:30,841
I call them The Exorcist dildos.
I tried one out of curiosity.
633
00:38:32,276 --> 00:38:34,478
Just the tip, I said, but it went in.
634
00:38:36,614 --> 00:38:39,884
I was walking funny all over the house.
635
00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:42,053
I looked like I was dancing duranguense.
636
00:38:43,287 --> 00:38:46,624
I left the room like this,
and my daughter asked what was wrong.
637
00:38:52,496 --> 00:38:53,631
"Call your mom!"
638
00:38:56,367 --> 00:38:59,303
She came back from the market
two hours later.
639
00:38:59,870 --> 00:39:02,006
I was lying on the couch like this.
640
00:39:02,573 --> 00:39:03,908
Shaking like that.
641
00:39:04,742 --> 00:39:07,311
My wife asked what was wrong.
I asked her for an IV.
642
00:39:08,546 --> 00:39:10,214
"I soiled the rug, look."
643
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:12,450
It looked like a snail.
644
00:39:20,825 --> 00:39:23,894
So you probably think this guy
with everything he knows,
645
00:39:23,961 --> 00:39:26,497
must love table dance clubs, but I don't.
646
00:39:27,064 --> 00:39:30,768
I've never been to a table dance club.
Seriously,
647
00:39:32,670 --> 00:39:34,772
What? Did you see me or what?
648
00:39:36,741 --> 00:39:38,776
I admit going to one recently.
649
00:39:38,843 --> 00:39:44,348
But not for me. I did it for you guys.
To have something to talk about now.
650
00:39:45,449 --> 00:39:48,085
I went to this club
with all the staff turnover,
651
00:39:48,686 --> 00:39:52,356
because of the orange neon sign,
652
00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:57,428
"Girls wanted. Salary plus commission.
We provide daycare."
653
00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:00,431
I said, "Daycare? Wow!"
654
00:40:01,499 --> 00:40:04,435
I saw some ladies leaving
dressed as nurses.
655
00:40:04,502 --> 00:40:08,205
Unbelievable. A daycare with an infirmary?
656
00:40:09,106 --> 00:40:12,143
One left, dressed up as a cop.
So they had security.
657
00:40:12,676 --> 00:40:16,247
Then one dressed up her bare skin.
You can make a baby in there too.
658
00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:21,051
I went inside the club
and my advice for you guys
659
00:40:21,118 --> 00:40:23,254
is to be alert with the waiters.
660
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:26,157
Because waiters are jerks.
661
00:40:27,958 --> 00:40:29,827
Table dance club waiters.
662
00:40:30,928 --> 00:40:32,163
Just those, okay?
663
00:40:32,763 --> 00:40:35,299
The golf club restaurant ones are worse.
664
00:40:38,636 --> 00:40:43,007
Because when a table dance club waiter
knows you're got cash,
665
00:40:43,073 --> 00:40:48,112
they tell the girls that work there
that a godfather arrived.
666
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:50,214
"A godfather's here."
667
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:53,451
"Shut up." I had the savings pool,
so I was a godfather.
668
00:40:54,685 --> 00:40:58,856
All my god-daughters wanted tips.
"What's up, Godfather?"
669
00:40:58,923 --> 00:41:00,925
"Hello, dear. How's your mom?"
670
00:41:02,193 --> 00:41:05,996
I invested my entire buying power
in a bucket of ten beers.
671
00:41:06,063 --> 00:41:10,534
And with the bucket
there was a free private dance.
672
00:41:11,035 --> 00:41:13,237
I didn't know what a private dance was.
673
00:41:14,538 --> 00:41:16,941
A girl showed up
in scanty clothing like this.
674
00:41:17,441 --> 00:41:19,477
Put on music for a free private dance.
675
00:41:21,612 --> 00:41:23,380
She walked up to me like this.
676
00:41:32,623 --> 00:41:36,260
The guy with the camera, please,
stop looking at me like that.
677
00:41:37,461 --> 00:41:39,396
You're freaking me out, dude.
678
00:41:39,463 --> 00:41:41,832
Do I gawk at you like this?
679
00:41:43,634 --> 00:41:46,070
That's uncomfortable, right?
Stop gawking at me.
680
00:41:46,704 --> 00:41:48,138
Okay, here we go again.
681
00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:51,141
Please make me feel like a woman.
682
00:41:55,145 --> 00:41:57,781
I asked a friend to do that,
and he grabbed my tit.
683
00:42:00,384 --> 00:42:01,218
Here we go.
684
00:42:01,285 --> 00:42:04,088
One, two, three.
I need cash for the diapers.
685
00:42:09,326 --> 00:42:11,996
I know it's a luxury, but I'm worth it.
686
00:42:13,397 --> 00:42:15,599
What toothless guy did this?
687
00:42:18,002 --> 00:42:19,503
What was that?
688
00:42:20,237 --> 00:42:22,306
If you can't whistle, do a "tweet-tweet."
689
00:42:26,510 --> 00:42:27,945
Here we go again.
690
00:42:28,012 --> 00:42:30,648
One, two, three, let's get the kid a dad.
691
00:42:43,861 --> 00:42:46,230
It's freezing down here.
692
00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:48,599
No way.
693
00:42:52,036 --> 00:42:53,003
Okay. Okay.
694
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,742
I'm too old for this shit.
695
00:43:01,946 --> 00:43:05,149
Okay, here we go again. I got this.
696
00:43:07,351 --> 00:43:10,554
I've all these great cheers. Here we go.
697
00:43:10,621 --> 00:43:13,757
One, two, three,
a lioness is not a pussycat.
698
00:43:17,328 --> 00:43:19,196
Here we go, one, two, three.
699
00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:22,833
If I fall on my butt, it's because
the damn pumps don't fit.
700
00:43:24,535 --> 00:43:26,604
The girl walks up to me half naked.
701
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,849
That's how they turn you on
at these table dance clubs.
702
00:43:44,421 --> 00:43:46,290
The ones that laughed know it.
703
00:43:48,292 --> 00:43:50,861
She walks up to me and says hi.
704
00:43:51,795 --> 00:43:52,663
"Hi."
705
00:43:54,198 --> 00:43:55,366
"How are you?"
706
00:43:55,866 --> 00:43:58,135
"Fine, thank God, hanging in there."
707
00:43:59,503 --> 00:44:01,772
"Thank God we're okay."
708
00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:05,042
"Let's go," she said.
709
00:44:05,109 --> 00:44:06,043
"Where?"
710
00:44:07,878 --> 00:44:10,347
"Somewhere more comfortable."
711
00:44:10,414 --> 00:44:12,483
"Go right ahead. I like it here."
712
00:44:14,084 --> 00:44:17,187
"Let's make your dreams come true."
713
00:44:17,755 --> 00:44:19,857
"Will I finish high school?"
714
00:44:22,059 --> 00:44:24,228
"Your most intimate dreams."
715
00:44:24,294 --> 00:44:29,066
"Will you make me rich?"
"You'll feel like a million bucks."
716
00:44:30,267 --> 00:44:32,736
So I went with her. You won't believe it!
717
00:44:32,803 --> 00:44:35,973
What a great daycare!
All the kids would want to stay.
718
00:44:38,042 --> 00:44:41,078
I'm not explaining my jokes, okay?
719
00:44:42,379 --> 00:44:44,481
They are imagination jokes.
720
00:44:45,315 --> 00:44:48,485
So you need to use your imagination.
721
00:44:49,186 --> 00:44:53,624
Haven't you used imaginary rocks
to throw at dogs?
722
00:44:54,892 --> 00:44:57,061
Take that, you freaking dog!
723
00:44:58,028 --> 00:44:59,663
And the dog gets scared.
724
00:45:00,564 --> 00:45:02,599
That's the power of imagination.
725
00:45:02,666 --> 00:45:06,704
It's the same power women use to hurt us.
726
00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:08,972
Where do women hurt us? Here.
727
00:45:09,573 --> 00:45:11,842
In the mind, the imagination.
728
00:45:11,909 --> 00:45:14,478
When? While you're having sex.
729
00:45:14,545 --> 00:45:16,747
When you're doing it with her.
730
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:23,187
Yes, you jerks, with style.
731
00:45:23,253 --> 00:45:28,926
Some guys are real jerks. No.
732
00:45:30,027 --> 00:45:30,861
No!
733
00:45:31,795 --> 00:45:34,031
It's with style.
734
00:45:34,098 --> 00:45:37,601
One, two, one, two.
735
00:45:37,668 --> 00:45:39,369
One, one, one!
736
00:45:40,437 --> 00:45:43,741
You're doing it. She's moaning like crazy.
737
00:45:43,807 --> 00:45:47,144
That's a sign
that you're doing a good job.
738
00:45:47,711 --> 00:45:48,912
She's like…
739
00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:57,087
If I were a chick, I'd be such a slut.
740
00:45:58,288 --> 00:46:00,057
I'd do it twice.
741
00:46:02,826 --> 00:46:03,660
It goes in.
742
00:46:05,162 --> 00:46:06,029
It comes out.
743
00:46:07,731 --> 00:46:08,599
You're done.
744
00:46:11,201 --> 00:46:14,471
She'll be moaning like crazy.
That's part of it.
745
00:46:18,542 --> 00:46:22,946
But they moan like crazy too,
7,5 on the Richter scale.
746
00:46:23,547 --> 00:46:24,381
It's like…
747
00:46:26,617 --> 00:46:28,852
Where did it hurt you, bro? Here.
748
00:46:29,753 --> 00:46:31,321
It hurt you here in the head
749
00:46:31,388 --> 00:46:35,225
because we men imagine
all kinds of nonsense.
750
00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:38,529
"I'm killing her."
751
00:46:39,830 --> 00:46:42,099
"I'm rocking her world."
752
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:45,002
"Who's your stud, bitch?"
753
00:46:46,036 --> 00:46:49,239
|f she moans the same way
at the same time,
754
00:46:51,108 --> 00:46:52,843
we men can't deal with it.
755
00:46:55,746 --> 00:46:57,481
I grab her hair. "Are you okay?"
756
00:46:58,315 --> 00:47:01,351
"Three minutes. I'd kill you if I go on."
757
00:47:03,086 --> 00:47:06,256
Thank you, Monterrey. You're the greatest!
758
00:48:39,383 --> 00:48:44,388
Subtitle translation by: Ricardo Espinoza