WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08.375 --> 00:00:10.166 [man 1] We the People. 4 00:00:10.833 --> 00:00:12.416 [man 2] We the People. 5 00:00:12.500 --> 00:00:13.625 [man 3] We the People. 6 00:00:13.708 --> 00:00:16.083 -[man 4] We the People. -[man 5] We the People. 7 00:00:16.166 --> 00:00:18.708 -[man 6] We the People! -[man 7] We the People! 8 00:00:18.791 --> 00:00:21.500 -[man 8] We the People! -[man 9] We the People! 9 00:00:21.583 --> 00:00:22.458 [shushes] 10 00:00:22.541 --> 00:00:25.166 Wait… [breathes deeply] 11 00:00:25.250 --> 00:00:26.708 We the People… 12 00:00:29.166 --> 00:00:30.375 -[all cheering] -Yeah! 13 00:00:30.458 --> 00:00:33.583 -We the People! -We the People! 14 00:00:33.666 --> 00:00:35.916 Sorry, Tom, "We the People" it is. 15 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.791 You can use "Us rich white guys" on your Christmas card. 16 00:00:38.875 --> 00:00:41.791 Mmm, at Dartmouth, we play with actual paddles. 17 00:00:41.875 --> 00:00:44.708 Nobody fucking cares how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom. 18 00:00:44.791 --> 00:00:45.666 [all laughing] 19 00:00:45.750 --> 00:00:48.500 Franklin, these bucktooth fun police can suck it 20 00:00:48.583 --> 00:00:50.583 because we've done it, boys! 21 00:00:50.666 --> 00:00:54.250 -We have declared our independence! -[all] Huzzah! 22 00:00:54.333 --> 00:00:58.250 Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington, are gonna be pissed they missed this. 23 00:00:58.333 --> 00:01:00.458 -[chuckles] -Ooh! We should take a picture! 24 00:01:00.541 --> 00:01:02.083 Say "cheese." 25 00:01:02.166 --> 00:01:03.250 Benedict Arnold? 26 00:01:03.916 --> 00:01:06.750 -It's the Redcoats! Run! -[men yelling] 27 00:01:06.833 --> 00:01:08.458 [screaming] 28 00:01:12.708 --> 00:01:13.833 What is happ-- 29 00:01:14.916 --> 00:01:15.791 [yells] 30 00:01:18.041 --> 00:01:21.416 -[head] No, no, no! -Declarate this! 31 00:01:34.458 --> 00:01:35.291 [screeches] 32 00:01:42.041 --> 00:01:45.250 Now I just have to catch a show with my old chum, 33 00:01:45.333 --> 00:01:47.875 Abraham Lincoln. 34 00:01:50.500 --> 00:01:53.416 [Abe] Four score and seven years ago, 35 00:01:53.500 --> 00:01:56.875 I swore an oath to never tell a lie. 36 00:01:56.958 --> 00:02:02.125 To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand, 37 00:02:02.208 --> 00:02:07.708 which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you 38 00:02:07.791 --> 00:02:10.583 your prices are fucking insane! 39 00:02:10.666 --> 00:02:13.125 Wow, easy. Take it up with the King. 40 00:02:13.208 --> 00:02:15.625 -Something about taxation! -[colonists] Yeah, that's right! 41 00:02:15.708 --> 00:02:17.750 Dude, I just work here. 42 00:02:17.833 --> 00:02:20.208 But… Uh… Something about representation! 43 00:02:20.291 --> 00:02:21.958 -Yeah! -You tell 'em, Abe! 44 00:02:22.041 --> 00:02:24.833 -[George] Abe! -This isn't over, pal! 45 00:02:24.916 --> 00:02:25.791 [colonists] Yeah! 46 00:02:25.875 --> 00:02:28.541 [sighs] You don't gotta be such a damn tyrant about it. 47 00:02:28.625 --> 00:02:31.250 [George] Abe! Look at me! [laughs] 48 00:02:31.333 --> 00:02:33.916 -This guy dared me to climb up here. -[man] No, I didn't. 49 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:36.208 Well, you should've! Whoo! 50 00:02:36.875 --> 00:02:37.958 -[colonists cheering] -Yeah! 51 00:02:38.041 --> 00:02:40.875 George, you are a wild man. 52 00:02:40.958 --> 00:02:42.500 [sighs] What can I say? 53 00:02:42.583 --> 00:02:45.250 Somebody's gotta balance out all your boring politics. 54 00:02:45.333 --> 00:02:48.666 [chuckles] George, I guess that's what makes us such a good team. 55 00:02:48.750 --> 00:02:53.250 A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age, 56 00:02:53.333 --> 00:02:54.333 in our forties. 57 00:02:54.416 --> 00:02:57.541 But I do wish ya cared about more than just partying. 58 00:02:57.625 --> 00:03:00.625 [gasps] Abe! I care about more than that, all right? 59 00:03:00.708 --> 00:03:04.000 I also care about… how good we look! 60 00:03:04.083 --> 00:03:07.958 Oh, George. You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse? 61 00:03:08.041 --> 00:03:12.416 No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses. 62 00:03:12.500 --> 00:03:13.333 Twinsies! 63 00:03:13.416 --> 00:03:17.083 George, I wish I had a million friends like you. 64 00:03:17.166 --> 00:03:19.916 -Should I put it on my body? -Yeah, put it on your body. 65 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:23.208 Oh, it feels so soft on my body. 66 00:03:23.291 --> 00:03:25.958 -It's like a blend. Is it a blend? -It's a tri-blend. 67 00:03:26.041 --> 00:03:28.791 Oh, it's so soft, I'd swear it's a quad blend. 68 00:03:28.875 --> 00:03:31.125 -I know. [sighs] -Oh, shit, oh! 69 00:03:31.208 --> 00:03:32.166 Oh, here comes Ben. 70 00:03:32.250 --> 00:03:35.000 -Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben. -Benedict. 71 00:03:35.083 --> 00:03:38.333 Oh, sorry. Last two. 72 00:03:39.583 --> 00:03:40.583 [drums beating] 73 00:03:45.416 --> 00:03:47.000 [crowd cheering] 74 00:03:51.333 --> 00:03:53.333 I'm so glad you came. 75 00:03:53.416 --> 00:03:56.833 Mmm, I was worried that you might have caught wind 76 00:03:56.916 --> 00:03:58.250 of my little surprise. 77 00:03:58.333 --> 00:03:59.416 No, not at all, man. 78 00:03:59.500 --> 00:04:02.500 These are boffo seats! We didn't even see this coming at all. 79 00:04:02.583 --> 00:04:03.958 What are you up to? 80 00:04:04.041 --> 00:04:06.541 You hate surprises and general whimsy. 81 00:04:06.625 --> 00:04:08.583 I've always told you, Abraham, 82 00:04:08.666 --> 00:04:10.958 that your revolution would be the end of you. 83 00:04:11.041 --> 00:04:14.500 And I've always told you, Ben, that I was willing to take that chance. 84 00:04:14.583 --> 00:04:17.333 That we should all be willing to take that chance. 85 00:04:17.416 --> 00:04:19.625 [laughs] 86 00:04:19.708 --> 00:04:21.708 Yes, you have. 87 00:04:21.791 --> 00:04:24.541 The only problem is you assumed, all this time, 88 00:04:24.625 --> 00:04:27.958 that I'm part of your "we," when, in fact, 89 00:04:28.041 --> 00:04:31.416 I'm with a different "we," now. 90 00:04:32.916 --> 00:04:35.125 Uh, I didn't… I don't get it. 91 00:04:35.208 --> 00:04:38.041 I changed teams, assholes. 92 00:04:38.125 --> 00:04:40.208 Oh, Ben, good for you! 93 00:04:40.291 --> 00:04:43.125 I'm so glad that you're embracing your true self. 94 00:04:43.208 --> 00:04:45.666 No! I'm gonna be fuckin' rich. 95 00:04:45.750 --> 00:04:49.541 Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him. 96 00:04:49.625 --> 00:04:52.125 -We could do a double date? -You're misunderstanding. 97 00:04:52.208 --> 00:04:54.125 -I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle. -Hey. 98 00:04:54.208 --> 00:04:57.000 Whatever you guys do in private is your business. 99 00:04:57.083 --> 00:04:58.916 That's one of the things we're fighting for! 100 00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:01.125 Stop being so damn accepting for a minute! 101 00:05:01.208 --> 00:05:04.541 I have aligned myself with the Brits. 102 00:05:04.625 --> 00:05:06.291 Oh. Ohh! 103 00:05:06.375 --> 00:05:08.083 [hesitating] George, are you hearing this? 104 00:05:08.166 --> 00:05:09.583 Are you seeing this? 105 00:05:09.666 --> 00:05:12.916 Abe, they're using things as instruments that you're not supposed to use. 106 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:15.208 -It's crazy! -George, fuck! 107 00:05:15.291 --> 00:05:17.791 [hesitates] You've sided with the fun police? 108 00:05:17.875 --> 00:05:20.833 Something about taxation. Don't you remember? 109 00:05:20.916 --> 00:05:24.458 Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks. 110 00:05:24.541 --> 00:05:27.333 The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben. 111 00:05:27.416 --> 00:05:30.416 You're too late to stop the revolution. Ha-ha! 112 00:05:30.500 --> 00:05:32.416 -Oh, am I? -[Abe gasps] 113 00:05:32.500 --> 00:05:35.791 -Your friends in revolution are all dead. -[Abe] What? 114 00:05:35.875 --> 00:05:38.791 And as for your precious Declaration of Independence… 115 00:05:38.875 --> 00:05:41.833 -Oh, it's beautiful! -A-Kelly Ripa! 116 00:05:41.916 --> 00:05:43.333 [Abe] No! 117 00:05:43.416 --> 00:05:45.500 But you're Benedict "Cosby" Arnold! 118 00:05:45.583 --> 00:05:47.916 -You're better than this! -You're right. 119 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:49.541 I am. 120 00:05:50.291 --> 00:05:51.708 [growls] 121 00:05:53.625 --> 00:05:54.875 [screams] 122 00:05:55.916 --> 00:05:56.791 [groans] 123 00:05:56.875 --> 00:06:00.041 Abe, what the… Oh, my God. Your neck's… Oh, my God! 124 00:06:00.125 --> 00:06:02.916 Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show? 125 00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:05.125 Look, I don't do well with interactive theater, okay? 126 00:06:05.208 --> 00:06:06.500 It kinda freaks me out. 127 00:06:06.583 --> 00:06:08.750 I know. That's great. We're number one, I get that. 128 00:06:08.833 --> 00:06:10.875 But I don't see what that has to do with… 129 00:06:10.958 --> 00:06:12.583 Arnold, behind you. 130 00:06:12.666 --> 00:06:14.500 No, Abe, I'm George. 131 00:06:14.583 --> 00:06:16.125 It's George! 132 00:06:16.208 --> 00:06:18.291 George, turn around. 133 00:06:18.375 --> 00:06:20.083 Ben! Ben, what the fuck, man? 134 00:06:20.166 --> 00:06:21.875 [slurps] 135 00:06:21.958 --> 00:06:25.000 Someday, Georgie, you'll have to draft a document 136 00:06:25.083 --> 00:06:28.708 that specifically outlines the punishment for what I just did. 137 00:06:28.791 --> 00:06:32.000 But for now, I bid you adieu. 138 00:06:32.541 --> 00:06:33.750 Nyah! 139 00:06:34.666 --> 00:06:36.250 [grunts] 140 00:06:36.333 --> 00:06:39.333 Sic semper my dick, bitches! 141 00:06:39.916 --> 00:06:41.083 [crowd cheers] 142 00:06:41.166 --> 00:06:42.625 This is the weirdest show. 143 00:06:42.708 --> 00:06:44.000 Abe. [spits] 144 00:06:44.125 --> 00:06:45.375 Abe, are you okay? 145 00:06:45.458 --> 00:06:48.875 -No, my throat has been roadhoused. -[spitting] Ah, it's in my mouth. 146 00:06:48.958 --> 00:06:50.583 I'm dying, George. 147 00:06:50.666 --> 00:06:53.458 No, you will not die! You shut your mouth! 148 00:06:53.541 --> 00:06:56.166 -I will shut my mouth. -[spitting] 149 00:06:56.250 --> 00:06:58.416 -Forever. -Stop it! [spits] 150 00:06:58.500 --> 00:07:02.416 -Abe, you're gonna make it. -Yes, to the other side. 151 00:07:02.500 --> 00:07:05.125 No! Back to this side! Where you belong! 152 00:07:05.208 --> 00:07:08.958 George, you must free the colonies. 153 00:07:09.041 --> 00:07:13.041 No! That's your thing, Abe. It's not mine. 154 00:07:13.125 --> 00:07:16.666 It's yours now, George. I believe in you. 155 00:07:16.750 --> 00:07:19.208 -[spits] -Free the colonies. 156 00:07:19.291 --> 00:07:21.375 Found a new country. 157 00:07:21.458 --> 00:07:22.958 Name her… 158 00:07:23.041 --> 00:07:26.541 Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her. 159 00:07:26.625 --> 00:07:28.875 God damn it! You son of a bitch! 160 00:07:28.958 --> 00:07:33.625 Whatever you tell me to name her, that's what I'm gonna name her, Abie! 161 00:07:33.708 --> 00:07:37.541 Name her America. 162 00:07:37.625 --> 00:07:38.958 [eagle screeches] 163 00:07:40.250 --> 00:07:41.666 Is that your top choice? 164 00:07:41.750 --> 00:07:43.875 We can spitball some options, see if we can beat it. 165 00:07:43.958 --> 00:07:45.875 There is no time, George. 166 00:07:45.958 --> 00:07:48.000 My death-shit is imminent. 167 00:07:48.083 --> 00:07:50.541 America, okay? Just remember… 168 00:07:50.625 --> 00:07:54.166 -[groans and farts] America. -[eagle screeches] 169 00:07:55.250 --> 00:07:56.958 [farts] 170 00:07:58.250 --> 00:07:59.375 A-- [gags] 171 00:07:59.458 --> 00:08:00.833 Nope. [retches] 172 00:08:00.916 --> 00:08:03.000 A-- [retches, coughs] 173 00:08:03.083 --> 00:08:04.291 Okay, hold it. 174 00:08:04.375 --> 00:08:06.958 Abe! 175 00:08:07.916 --> 00:08:09.083 Stand ready. 176 00:08:09.166 --> 00:08:12.791 A vengeful Washington will be here in three, two… 177 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.375 Hey, dickhole! 178 00:08:15.458 --> 00:08:17.208 It's time to… Oh, fuck me. 179 00:08:17.291 --> 00:08:19.375 Yes. Fuck you, indeed. 180 00:08:23.375 --> 00:08:24.250 Subdue him. 181 00:08:24.333 --> 00:08:26.916 I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue. 182 00:08:27.666 --> 00:08:29.541 -[cracks neck] -Hello, guv. 183 00:08:29.625 --> 00:08:31.458 [battle cries] 184 00:08:31.541 --> 00:08:34.250 [Benedict] I know betrayal hurts, Georgie, 185 00:08:34.333 --> 00:08:39.583 and it can often rile in a man motivation he didn't even know he had. 186 00:08:39.666 --> 00:08:40.708 But face facts. 187 00:08:40.791 --> 00:08:43.541 With Abe and the rest of your revolutionaries gone, 188 00:08:43.625 --> 00:08:46.083 on account of me having killed them all just now, 189 00:08:46.166 --> 00:08:50.208 your tired, party-boy antics are bound to fail. 190 00:08:50.291 --> 00:08:52.666 You'll never be the leader Abe was. 191 00:08:52.750 --> 00:08:53.666 [grunts] 192 00:08:53.750 --> 00:08:57.250 Because you lack Abe's brains, his heart, 193 00:08:57.333 --> 00:09:02.041 and, most importantly, his soul. 194 00:09:02.125 --> 00:09:05.416 Without him, the revolution is dead. 195 00:09:06.125 --> 00:09:09.083 [yells] Rah! 196 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:12.083 -Whoo! -[motor roars] 197 00:09:12.166 --> 00:09:15.375 That cherry tree didn't chop its fucking self down! 198 00:09:15.458 --> 00:09:16.333 Let's go! 199 00:09:21.125 --> 00:09:24.500 Ah, are you a miniboss, or what? Do something! 200 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:32.375 [screeches] 201 00:09:35.791 --> 00:09:37.083 [clanking] 202 00:09:37.166 --> 00:09:38.250 [grunts] 203 00:09:41.375 --> 00:09:42.208 [grunts] 204 00:09:47.208 --> 00:09:48.500 Jesus Christ! 205 00:09:48.583 --> 00:09:50.750 Transporter, go! 206 00:09:50.833 --> 00:09:52.458 Let's get you transported. 207 00:09:52.541 --> 00:09:54.875 [engine whirs] 208 00:09:58.791 --> 00:10:00.625 [grunts] 209 00:10:00.708 --> 00:10:04.333 I can't believe we ever let you into the Three Fuckateers! 210 00:10:04.416 --> 00:10:07.125 I'm changing our Netflix password! 211 00:10:07.208 --> 00:10:08.625 Transporter, the bridge! 212 00:10:10.666 --> 00:10:11.625 [thuds] 213 00:10:11.708 --> 00:10:13.416 [grunts] 214 00:10:16.583 --> 00:10:19.125 Ah! [groans] 215 00:10:19.791 --> 00:10:21.208 Fuckin' bridges. 216 00:10:21.291 --> 00:10:22.666 Ah, Christ. 217 00:10:22.750 --> 00:10:23.666 [Benedict chuckles] 218 00:10:23.750 --> 00:10:24.583 [George] What now? 219 00:10:25.333 --> 00:10:28.750 Oh, Georgie, I almost forgot. 220 00:10:28.833 --> 00:10:30.625 I have something from your king. 221 00:10:31.208 --> 00:10:33.625 This is for you. 222 00:10:33.708 --> 00:10:35.875 ["Rule Brittania!" playing] 223 00:10:35.958 --> 00:10:37.416 [laughing] 224 00:10:39.125 --> 00:10:40.916 "This is for you." [continues laughing] 225 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:42.333 I'm so clever! 226 00:10:45.125 --> 00:10:46.291 [George] No. 227 00:10:47.083 --> 00:10:49.250 This is for… 228 00:10:50.083 --> 00:10:53.750 America! 229 00:10:56.958 --> 00:10:57.833 [window opens] 230 00:10:57.916 --> 00:11:00.541 [man] Shut the fuck up! 231 00:11:00.625 --> 00:11:03.458 -[smacks lips] Yep. -[dog barks distantly] 232 00:11:03.541 --> 00:11:04.416 All right. 233 00:11:16.458 --> 00:11:18.000 [Martha singing] ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 234 00:11:18.083 --> 00:11:19.166 [strumming guitar] 235 00:11:19.250 --> 00:11:22.750 ♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪ 236 00:11:23.333 --> 00:11:26.583 ♪ Do you feel my heart beating? ♪ 237 00:11:27.250 --> 00:11:29.833 ♪ Do you understand? ♪ 238 00:11:29.916 --> 00:11:33.250 ♪ Do you feel the same? ♪ 239 00:11:34.083 --> 00:11:38.708 ♪ Am I only dreaming? ♪ 240 00:11:39.458 --> 00:11:42.333 ♪ Is this burnin' ♪ 241 00:11:42.916 --> 00:11:43.875 [sobbing] 242 00:11:43.958 --> 00:11:46.958 ♪ An eternal flame? ♪ 243 00:11:47.041 --> 00:11:48.791 [humming] 244 00:11:54.958 --> 00:11:56.000 [music stops] 245 00:11:56.083 --> 00:11:56.916 [birds chirping] 246 00:11:57.000 --> 00:11:57.958 He sewed it by hand 247 00:11:58.041 --> 00:12:00.875 when Trishelle came down with dengue fever last May Day. 248 00:12:00.958 --> 00:12:03.791 He laid it upon her and she healed. 249 00:12:03.875 --> 00:12:05.708 And now, she lays it upon him, 250 00:12:06.291 --> 00:12:07.791 but he will never heal. 251 00:12:08.500 --> 00:12:09.500 John 3:16. 252 00:12:11.083 --> 00:12:12.250 [strums electric guitar] 253 00:12:12.333 --> 00:12:14.916 A gift from Mozart himself. 254 00:12:16.666 --> 00:12:21.666 Silenced now, like its owner, forever. 255 00:12:24.875 --> 00:12:25.875 [guitar stops playing] 256 00:12:25.958 --> 00:12:28.333 You're, uh-- [clears throat] Martha Dandridge. 257 00:12:28.416 --> 00:12:30.125 You were there that night, on stage. 258 00:12:30.208 --> 00:12:33.916 And you are George Washington, inventor of peanut butter. 259 00:12:34.000 --> 00:12:35.000 The same. 260 00:12:35.083 --> 00:12:37.291 Abraham Lincoln's best friend. 261 00:12:37.375 --> 00:12:38.250 [whispers] Forever. 262 00:12:38.333 --> 00:12:40.833 You've suffered a tremendous loss. 263 00:12:41.541 --> 00:12:43.583 You should not be alone tonight. 264 00:12:43.666 --> 00:12:44.666 -Oh! -Ahh! 265 00:12:44.750 --> 00:12:46.500 -Yes! Yes! -Ah! 266 00:12:46.583 --> 00:12:48.958 -[shrieks] -[grunts] 267 00:12:49.041 --> 00:12:53.500 -[George shouting] -[Martha shrieking] 268 00:12:53.583 --> 00:12:56.666 -Uh… -What is it? You can tell me, Martha. 269 00:12:56.750 --> 00:12:59.041 -You can tell me anything. -Well… [breathing heavily] 270 00:13:00.125 --> 00:13:02.333 -I'm pregnant. -What? Just now? 271 00:13:02.416 --> 00:13:03.625 -Yeah. -You're sure? 272 00:13:03.708 --> 00:13:05.958 -A woman knows. -[laughs] 273 00:13:06.041 --> 00:13:07.833 A miracle has befallen us! 274 00:13:07.916 --> 00:13:10.083 -Has it? -It has! Yes. 275 00:13:10.166 --> 00:13:11.666 Oh, but has it? 276 00:13:11.750 --> 00:13:13.041 All I've ever wanted, Martha, 277 00:13:13.125 --> 00:13:15.708 was the one thing I never had, a loving family. 278 00:13:15.791 --> 00:13:17.583 -Gross, you were an orphan? -What? 279 00:13:17.666 --> 00:13:19.750 -Of course not! God, no. Ew. -Ugh! Phew! 280 00:13:19.833 --> 00:13:22.375 No, but look, my father was a real man's man, 281 00:13:22.458 --> 00:13:24.291 which is to say, like all men's men, 282 00:13:24.375 --> 00:13:27.625 he disrespected my mother and punished me for his insecurities. 283 00:13:27.708 --> 00:13:31.708 And see, this will be a great opportunity to break that cycle, if you will. 284 00:13:32.250 --> 00:13:35.375 You know, there can be no spring without winter. John 3:16. 285 00:13:35.458 --> 00:13:37.166 That's beautiful, George. 286 00:13:37.250 --> 00:13:38.250 Oh, hey, what's this? 287 00:13:38.333 --> 00:13:40.125 Oh. [chuckles] 288 00:13:40.208 --> 00:13:43.833 Just [sighs] a box of misty water-colored memories. 289 00:13:43.916 --> 00:13:47.208 [chuckles] Oh, look, the day we first met. 290 00:13:47.291 --> 00:13:49.375 I was hiding from my father in the woods, 291 00:13:49.458 --> 00:13:51.791 and he had been drinking and listening to Kid Rock again. 292 00:13:51.875 --> 00:13:54.916 And then, I encountered a boy, no older than me, 293 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:58.375 and he smelled of possums and night soil. 294 00:13:58.458 --> 00:14:02.250 We couldn't have been any more different. And yet, he opened up his arms to me 295 00:14:02.333 --> 00:14:04.333 and he took me up into his tree home. 296 00:14:04.416 --> 00:14:07.708 It was the first time that I understood what family was. 297 00:14:07.791 --> 00:14:10.166 Aw… #Blessed. 298 00:14:10.250 --> 00:14:13.000 [George chuckles] This is his seventh birthday. 299 00:14:13.083 --> 00:14:16.125 I had to get him a hat to cover that hideous, malformed head of his. 300 00:14:16.208 --> 00:14:19.166 Who could have known that it would come to be his trademark? 301 00:14:19.250 --> 00:14:21.250 Oh, prom! Wow! 302 00:14:21.333 --> 00:14:23.375 We lost our virginities that night. [chuckles] 303 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:25.375 -Together. -Oh, I get it. 304 00:14:25.458 --> 00:14:26.458 I've been to Paris. 305 00:14:26.541 --> 00:14:28.500 Oh, man, we had so many plans. 306 00:14:28.583 --> 00:14:31.333 Oh, Sky Camp! Junior Templar Scouts. 307 00:14:31.416 --> 00:14:33.791 [gasps] Our semi-pro rolling-circle-with-a-stick team. 308 00:14:34.375 --> 00:14:35.833 What is this even… [chuckles] 309 00:14:35.916 --> 00:14:36.916 -[grunts] -Oh! 310 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:37.875 -Oh! -[gasps] 311 00:14:37.958 --> 00:14:41.208 -The famed "Lincoln Log!" [laughs] -[chuckles] Yes! 312 00:14:41.291 --> 00:14:43.416 Abe, [laughs] you rapscallion. 313 00:14:43.500 --> 00:14:45.875 Oh. [sobbing] 314 00:14:45.958 --> 00:14:47.333 You rapscallion. [sobbing] 315 00:14:47.416 --> 00:14:48.375 Oh… 316 00:14:49.625 --> 00:14:50.875 George. 317 00:14:50.958 --> 00:14:53.166 -Oh, George. George! -[George] What? 318 00:14:53.250 --> 00:14:54.916 -What? -You know what you must do. 319 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:58.166 Have a bunch more sex with you until I start feeling better? 320 00:14:58.250 --> 00:15:01.333 -That'll work in the short term. -[sobs] Okay, that's a great idea. 321 00:15:01.416 --> 00:15:04.166 No, no… No! George. 322 00:15:04.250 --> 00:15:06.125 You must avenge Abe. 323 00:15:06.208 --> 00:15:07.958 See his dream through. 324 00:15:08.041 --> 00:15:11.041 I can't! King James is more powerful than ever. 325 00:15:11.125 --> 00:15:14.250 -I can't fight him alone. -No, you need partners. 326 00:15:14.333 --> 00:15:15.583 -Partners? -Yes! 327 00:15:15.666 --> 00:15:17.750 -Partners in the revolution? -Yes! 328 00:15:17.833 --> 00:15:20.000 Partners whose spirit, like mine, 329 00:15:20.083 --> 00:15:22.625 outweigh their sense of self-preservation and sanity, even? 330 00:15:22.708 --> 00:15:25.791 Yes! You know, Samuel Adams plays in my adult kickball league. 331 00:15:25.875 --> 00:15:28.083 -I totally know him. -Hold the phone! 332 00:15:28.166 --> 00:15:30.375 Samuel Adems is the race car driver. You know him? 333 00:15:30.458 --> 00:15:32.791 What's a phone? And no, no, no, no. [laughs] 334 00:15:32.875 --> 00:15:35.208 That's Samuel Adems, with an "E." 335 00:15:35.291 --> 00:15:37.666 This is Samuel Adams, with an "A." 336 00:15:37.750 --> 00:15:39.250 [whispers] The rabble rouser. 337 00:15:39.333 --> 00:15:41.208 [rock music playing] 338 00:15:44.958 --> 00:15:46.416 [chuckling] 339 00:15:46.500 --> 00:15:47.541 [all cheering] 340 00:15:47.625 --> 00:15:50.125 -[chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! -[slurping] 341 00:15:54.791 --> 00:15:56.125 [thuds] 342 00:15:56.208 --> 00:15:57.916 [explosion] 343 00:15:58.583 --> 00:16:01.166 [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! 344 00:16:02.458 --> 00:16:04.791 -Whoo! -[explosions] 345 00:16:04.875 --> 00:16:09.291 Sammy Addy from way downtown! 346 00:16:10.208 --> 00:16:11.208 Fuck, yeah! 347 00:16:11.291 --> 00:16:12.541 [indistinct shouting] 348 00:16:21.583 --> 00:16:23.875 [George] Boffo fireworks, Mr. Adams. 349 00:16:23.958 --> 00:16:27.625 Very, very boffo. I'm George Washington. 350 00:16:28.208 --> 00:16:30.458 George Washington, the dinosaur rancher? 351 00:16:30.541 --> 00:16:33.000 Ah, no, no, that's George Washingten, with an "E." 352 00:16:33.083 --> 00:16:37.375 I'm George Washington, with an "O," the future king of America. 353 00:16:37.458 --> 00:16:40.833 America? What the fuck is America, bro? 354 00:16:40.916 --> 00:16:42.333 [dude-bro 1] Yeah, what is it? 355 00:16:42.416 --> 00:16:43.458 [yells] Fucking tell us! 356 00:16:43.541 --> 00:16:46.875 Today, but the final whispered word of a dying man. 357 00:16:46.958 --> 00:16:51.458 But a year from now, with your help, the most powerful country in the world. 358 00:16:51.541 --> 00:16:54.125 A country free of British rule. 359 00:16:54.208 --> 00:16:57.416 Oh, fuck, man! I hate the British. 360 00:16:57.500 --> 00:17:00.916 They're always breaking up our peaceable free assemblies. 361 00:17:01.000 --> 00:17:02.250 [shouting] 362 00:17:02.333 --> 00:17:04.791 -Bro! Bro! Bro! -[whooping] 363 00:17:04.875 --> 00:17:05.708 Our parties. 364 00:17:05.791 --> 00:17:08.625 I call them "the fun police." [chuckles] 365 00:17:08.708 --> 00:17:10.791 -[dude-bro 1] Who would do that? -"The fun police." 366 00:17:10.875 --> 00:17:12.666 That is exactly what Abe used to call them! 367 00:17:12.750 --> 00:17:15.500 They hassle us because we like to blow shit up 368 00:17:15.583 --> 00:17:20.000 and get into fights with anybody who looks different than us. 369 00:17:20.083 --> 00:17:21.000 [all] Yeah! 370 00:17:21.083 --> 00:17:23.625 -Yeah, we're being oppressed! -Well, I mean-- 371 00:17:23.708 --> 00:17:28.333 Hell, we'd still be partying right now if they hadn't shut us down last night. 372 00:17:28.416 --> 00:17:29.916 It's 'cause of my beer. 373 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.708 -The British, they just can't handle it. -[dude-bro 1] Yeah. 374 00:17:32.791 --> 00:17:35.208 -Beer? -[all] Beer! 375 00:17:35.791 --> 00:17:36.708 [dude-bros laughing] 376 00:17:37.666 --> 00:17:39.833 It's made from rotten grass. Try this shit. 377 00:17:39.916 --> 00:17:41.791 You're gonna love it. 378 00:17:41.875 --> 00:17:44.416 You don't even have to put cow dick milk in it. 379 00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:47.250 -Cow dick milk. Right. -This guy gets it. 380 00:17:48.708 --> 00:17:49.583 [slurps] 381 00:17:49.666 --> 00:17:51.166 [dramatic music playing] 382 00:17:53.125 --> 00:17:55.291 E Pluribus Unum, that's good! 383 00:17:55.375 --> 00:17:58.041 Right? Brits know, when this shit hits the market, 384 00:17:58.125 --> 00:18:01.208 their whole tea economy's gonna fucking implode. 385 00:18:01.291 --> 00:18:04.416 They're shitting in their pantaloons and it's diarrhea. 386 00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.708 So, we share an enemy. A cause. 387 00:18:06.791 --> 00:18:10.541 And I can see plainly that you share my testicular fortitude. 388 00:18:10.625 --> 00:18:12.875 I'll be honest with you, dude. I eat whatever I want. 389 00:18:12.958 --> 00:18:17.083 I never work out. I'm basically jacked from fucking. 390 00:18:17.166 --> 00:18:20.000 No shit! Your arms are bigger than your fuckin' thighs. 391 00:18:20.083 --> 00:18:22.291 -Look at those things. -That is a birth defect. 392 00:18:22.375 --> 00:18:24.416 Look, I have to ask. Do you have any skills? 393 00:18:24.500 --> 00:18:26.583 Skills that would, maybe, help win a war? 394 00:18:26.666 --> 00:18:27.875 [scoffs] 395 00:18:27.958 --> 00:18:31.500 Whoo! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Bingo! 396 00:18:31.583 --> 00:18:32.541 [gun firing] 397 00:18:32.625 --> 00:18:34.291 [dude-bros cheering] 398 00:18:34.375 --> 00:18:35.208 Whoo! 399 00:18:43.333 --> 00:18:46.500 Those the kind of skills you might be interested in, bruh? 400 00:18:46.583 --> 00:18:48.791 Indubitably, my friend. 401 00:18:48.875 --> 00:18:52.625 You pack quite the punch, Samuel Adams with an "A." 402 00:18:52.708 --> 00:18:54.375 [chuckles] You're damn right, I do. 403 00:18:54.458 --> 00:18:57.000 And I hope you got room for everybody. 404 00:18:57.083 --> 00:18:59.666 'Cause whatever I do, wherever I go, 405 00:18:59.750 --> 00:19:05.625 I do and go with every single one of my fraternity brothers. 406 00:19:05.708 --> 00:19:07.041 Where we at, boys? 407 00:19:07.125 --> 00:19:10.750 All right, pledges, circle up and grab some thumb lube. 408 00:19:10.833 --> 00:19:12.583 -Yeah! -[all cheering] 409 00:19:12.666 --> 00:19:14.333 Thumbs up their ass! 410 00:19:14.416 --> 00:19:15.750 You know what? You know what? 411 00:19:15.833 --> 00:19:18.166 It's just occurring to me now, it is hell week. 412 00:19:18.250 --> 00:19:20.166 These guys are gonna be so busy. 413 00:19:20.250 --> 00:19:22.208 -Uh, okay. -And covered in cum. 414 00:19:22.291 --> 00:19:23.125 I'm sorry, what? 415 00:19:23.208 --> 00:19:26.083 I'm gonna tell them to catch up later. Where to? What's the plan? 416 00:19:26.166 --> 00:19:28.208 Well, our team is not yet complete. 417 00:19:28.291 --> 00:19:30.750 To travel this great country, we're gonna need a horseman. 418 00:19:30.833 --> 00:19:32.208 The best in the colonies. 419 00:19:32.291 --> 00:19:34.000 But where to find such a man? 420 00:19:34.875 --> 00:19:37.583 Oh, I know a place. 421 00:19:38.166 --> 00:19:39.500 [hip-hop music playing] 422 00:19:39.583 --> 00:19:40.625 [neighs] 423 00:20:05.125 --> 00:20:05.958 [neighs] 424 00:20:13.791 --> 00:20:15.583 [crowd cheering] 425 00:20:15.666 --> 00:20:19.041 So, I don't know, how do we even know which one's the best horseman? 426 00:20:19.125 --> 00:20:20.791 Oh, you'll know, bro. 427 00:20:20.875 --> 00:20:24.916 These guys live their lives one quarter mule at a time. 428 00:20:25.000 --> 00:20:27.083 [rock music playing] 429 00:20:31.333 --> 00:20:32.750 -[crowd cheering] -[sniffs] 430 00:20:32.833 --> 00:20:33.708 [grunts] 431 00:20:34.583 --> 00:20:36.208 [neighs] 432 00:20:38.416 --> 00:20:39.583 [whips cracking] 433 00:20:41.208 --> 00:20:42.958 [grunts] 434 00:20:44.291 --> 00:20:45.541 [neighs] 435 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:49.375 [man exclaiming] 436 00:21:02.666 --> 00:21:04.041 [screams] 437 00:21:04.875 --> 00:21:06.541 [crowd cheering] 438 00:21:06.625 --> 00:21:08.750 Who is that? 439 00:21:08.833 --> 00:21:11.166 Paul Revere! 440 00:21:11.250 --> 00:21:13.750 [grunts] Sorry about the horse, Paul. 441 00:21:13.833 --> 00:21:15.666 [George] Mr. Revere? Sir? 442 00:21:15.750 --> 00:21:18.833 Sir Revere, your country needs you. 443 00:21:18.916 --> 00:21:19.958 [snorts] 444 00:21:20.583 --> 00:21:21.875 Hi! I won the race! 445 00:21:21.958 --> 00:21:23.666 Did you see me? I'm good at horses. 446 00:21:23.750 --> 00:21:26.125 Who are you guys? Will you be my new human friends? 447 00:21:26.208 --> 00:21:28.083 I mean, new just friends, 448 00:21:28.166 --> 00:21:30.208 because I have tons of human friends already, 449 00:21:30.291 --> 00:21:32.208 and not just horse friends. [laughs nervously] 450 00:21:32.291 --> 00:21:34.625 Ooh, I see what I did here. Now, this is my bad. 451 00:21:34.708 --> 00:21:37.875 -[sirens blaring] -Cheese it! It's the fun police! 452 00:21:37.958 --> 00:21:39.000 [crowd clamoring] 453 00:21:39.083 --> 00:21:41.166 [man] Go, man! Redcoat! 454 00:21:41.250 --> 00:21:44.208 Go! Let's get outta here! Come on, come on! 455 00:21:48.625 --> 00:21:51.041 Ah, the British are such a drag. 456 00:21:51.125 --> 00:21:53.500 They're like the world's shittiest stepdad. 457 00:21:53.583 --> 00:21:54.583 [imitates a horse] 458 00:21:54.666 --> 00:21:57.666 That's what my dad sounds like. If I was raised by horses. 459 00:21:57.750 --> 00:21:59.208 But I definitely wasn't. 460 00:21:59.291 --> 00:22:01.875 I have a human dad, just like you guys. [chuckles] 461 00:22:01.958 --> 00:22:03.041 [Samuel] Yeah, great. 462 00:22:03.125 --> 00:22:05.333 And that's why we're best friends, right? 463 00:22:05.416 --> 00:22:06.708 Yeah. Sure, bud. 464 00:22:06.791 --> 00:22:09.291 Listen, if we're gonna have any shot at this at all, 465 00:22:09.375 --> 00:22:12.458 we need more pledges. I'm talking real heavy hitters. 466 00:22:12.541 --> 00:22:13.416 Oh, you know what? 467 00:22:13.500 --> 00:22:16.291 I heard they got a sorcerer in the square, lighting it up tonight. 468 00:22:16.375 --> 00:22:17.208 [indistinct chatter] 469 00:22:17.291 --> 00:22:18.541 [man] Wanted in all-- 470 00:22:18.625 --> 00:22:21.208 [Samuel] Oh, "lighting it up." [chuckles] Okay. 471 00:22:21.291 --> 00:22:26.291 Having committed heresy in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, King James, 472 00:22:26.375 --> 00:22:29.916 the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of… 473 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:33.666 creating a hypothesis, testing that hypothesis, 474 00:22:33.750 --> 00:22:37.250 and drawing conclusions that refine that hypothesis. 475 00:22:37.333 --> 00:22:42.208 Thomas Edison, for these crimes of practicing science-craft, 476 00:22:42.291 --> 00:22:47.000 you are hereby sentenced to death by fire. 477 00:22:47.083 --> 00:22:48.333 [townspeople booing] 478 00:22:49.291 --> 00:22:50.125 [chains jingle] 479 00:22:53.708 --> 00:22:56.500 Well, shit. What are we gonna do now? 480 00:22:56.583 --> 00:22:57.625 Uh… oh! 481 00:22:57.708 --> 00:23:00.750 How do you feel about endurance magicians? 482 00:23:00.833 --> 00:23:01.875 [bubbling, exploding] 483 00:23:01.958 --> 00:23:03.041 Oh, my God! 484 00:23:03.125 --> 00:23:05.583 -[woman screaming] -The demon is resistant to fire-- Oh! 485 00:23:07.208 --> 00:23:08.208 [indistinct shouting] 486 00:23:09.875 --> 00:23:11.250 [electricity buzzing] 487 00:23:20.291 --> 00:23:22.333 Wow! This guy, am I right? 488 00:23:22.416 --> 00:23:24.875 -I vote we never piss him off. -[both] Agreed. 489 00:23:24.958 --> 00:23:25.958 Vote passed. 490 00:23:26.041 --> 00:23:27.916 -[all] Fuckin' democracy! -[eagle screeches] 491 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:28.833 We're doin' it! 492 00:23:30.833 --> 00:23:33.166 Thomas Edison, you are said to be 493 00:23:33.250 --> 00:23:35.875 the preeminent sorcerer in all the colonies, 494 00:23:35.958 --> 00:23:38.166 eons ahead of all your contemporaries. 495 00:23:38.250 --> 00:23:40.333 We seek to recruit you for a mission. 496 00:23:40.416 --> 00:23:43.291 We literally cannot succeed without you! 497 00:23:43.375 --> 00:23:44.416 What the-- 498 00:23:44.500 --> 00:23:46.833 Oh, I'm sorry. Were you expecting someone else? 499 00:23:46.916 --> 00:23:49.958 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's a chick. It's a chick! 500 00:23:50.041 --> 00:23:52.958 I'm sorry. There's been a bit of a mix-up, I think? 501 00:23:53.041 --> 00:23:54.416 Yeah, no such luck, dorks. 502 00:23:54.500 --> 00:23:56.833 You're looking for Thomas Edison, ya got her. 503 00:23:56.916 --> 00:23:58.750 But Thomas is a man's name. 504 00:23:58.833 --> 00:24:02.333 I mean, my name is Thomas, so… 505 00:24:02.416 --> 00:24:05.750 Impossible! I have to say the obvious. 506 00:24:05.833 --> 00:24:08.750 -What is wrong with your skin? -What's wrong with my skin? 507 00:24:08.833 --> 00:24:10.291 What is wrong… I'm sorry. 508 00:24:10.375 --> 00:24:13.708 [yelling] What is wrong with your skin? 509 00:24:13.791 --> 00:24:15.875 Whoa! Bro, take it easy. 510 00:24:15.958 --> 00:24:17.416 Don't worry, I can handle this. 511 00:24:17.500 --> 00:24:21.458 There is nothing wrong with my skin. I'm Chinese. 512 00:24:21.541 --> 00:24:23.125 -Huh? -I'm from China. 513 00:24:23.208 --> 00:24:24.958 -Huh? -I'm an immigrant. 514 00:24:25.041 --> 00:24:27.416 I came here from another country. Like you. 515 00:24:27.500 --> 00:24:29.791 Oh, no! No, no, no. 516 00:24:29.875 --> 00:24:31.958 My people have always been here. 517 00:24:32.041 --> 00:24:35.000 That's why we make the rules, baby! 518 00:24:35.083 --> 00:24:36.833 [scoffs] Except you don't, dumbass. 519 00:24:36.916 --> 00:24:38.666 Ooh, you got burned! 520 00:24:38.750 --> 00:24:40.416 Isn't that why you've come to me? 521 00:24:40.500 --> 00:24:42.333 Because you need help toppling the British? 522 00:24:42.416 --> 00:24:45.583 Yes! [chuckles] Exactly! That is… Wait, how did you know that? 523 00:24:45.666 --> 00:24:48.458 Word travels fast in these parts, George Washington with an "O." 524 00:24:48.541 --> 00:24:50.833 I… I don't know. Now that I'm thinking about it, 525 00:24:50.916 --> 00:24:54.125 sorcerers are so 1775, am I right? 526 00:24:54.208 --> 00:24:56.291 Cool, because I'm not a sorcerer. 527 00:24:56.375 --> 00:24:57.791 I'm a scientist. 528 00:24:57.875 --> 00:24:59.208 [laughing] 529 00:25:00.416 --> 00:25:02.583 There's no such thing as science. 530 00:25:02.666 --> 00:25:05.875 Oh, my God, did you guys hear that? 531 00:25:05.958 --> 00:25:08.333 -Really? No such thing as science, huh? -[Samuel] Yeah. 532 00:25:08.416 --> 00:25:09.791 Then what do you call this? 533 00:25:09.875 --> 00:25:12.000 Science! 534 00:25:12.666 --> 00:25:14.041 -[exploding] -[all] Oh! Wow! 535 00:25:14.125 --> 00:25:16.958 -Yay! -Yeah, I call them conduction gloves. 536 00:25:17.041 --> 00:25:20.208 The science is simple, really. They harness the subatomic-- 537 00:25:20.291 --> 00:25:23.250 Oh, wait, no, don't tell us, dude. That's gonna ruin the trick. 538 00:25:23.333 --> 00:25:25.041 Yeah, it's more fun not to know! 539 00:25:25.125 --> 00:25:27.750 Okay, guys, let's put our heads together here on this one. 540 00:25:27.833 --> 00:25:30.208 There's gotta be another Thomas Edison, right? 541 00:25:30.291 --> 00:25:31.708 Like a man Thomas Edison. 542 00:25:31.791 --> 00:25:34.375 Oh, yeah, there is. There's Thomas Edisen with an "E," 543 00:25:34.458 --> 00:25:36.000 the professional wrestler. 544 00:25:36.083 --> 00:25:37.666 Ah, that's him. Let's go get him. 545 00:25:37.750 --> 00:25:40.125 He's cool. Big dude. Wears spandex, if you're into that. 546 00:25:40.208 --> 00:25:43.625 But he can't help you defeat an entire army. I can. 547 00:25:43.708 --> 00:25:45.625 You would stand with us against the British? 548 00:25:45.708 --> 00:25:48.833 [inhales] Bet your ass. Those guys suck. 549 00:25:48.916 --> 00:25:50.416 I'm just doing science. 550 00:25:50.500 --> 00:25:53.125 And because they don't understand it, they want to kill me? 551 00:25:53.208 --> 00:25:54.708 Man, fuck those dicks. 552 00:25:54.791 --> 00:25:57.000 Science is supposed to be fun and they're ruining it. 553 00:25:57.083 --> 00:25:59.458 Yeah, right? We even call 'em the fun police. 554 00:25:59.541 --> 00:26:02.041 [chuckling] Oh, man, that's good. Can I use that? 555 00:26:02.125 --> 00:26:03.291 Uh, no. 556 00:26:03.375 --> 00:26:05.166 Problem. No problem. 557 00:26:05.250 --> 00:26:07.625 So, Edison, you're obviously a great thinker. 558 00:26:07.708 --> 00:26:08.875 What would you have us do now? 559 00:26:08.958 --> 00:26:11.125 [scoffs] James has got eyes and ears everywhere. 560 00:26:11.208 --> 00:26:12.875 If we're gonna blow up his spot, 561 00:26:12.958 --> 00:26:15.250 we need someone who knows this land better than James. 562 00:26:15.333 --> 00:26:16.416 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 563 00:26:16.500 --> 00:26:19.375 You can't possibly be suggesting-- 564 00:26:19.916 --> 00:26:22.541 [narrator] He was a tracker, best in the world, 565 00:26:22.625 --> 00:26:26.500 until he was sent to a British prison for a crime he didn't commit. 566 00:26:26.583 --> 00:26:28.541 Now, he prowls the badlands, 567 00:26:28.625 --> 00:26:31.250 tracking for those who can't track for themselves. 568 00:26:31.333 --> 00:26:33.708 If you have a problem and you can find him, 569 00:26:33.791 --> 00:26:36.416 -maybe you can hire Geronimo. -[eagle screeches] 570 00:26:36.500 --> 00:26:37.333 [engine revving] 571 00:26:41.125 --> 00:26:42.250 [sniffs] 572 00:26:54.166 --> 00:26:55.083 [growls] 573 00:27:04.250 --> 00:27:06.375 All right, what do you chuds want? 574 00:27:06.458 --> 00:27:08.125 Hey, you play lax, bro? 575 00:27:08.208 --> 00:27:09.500 Seth-chee. 576 00:27:09.583 --> 00:27:12.208 My people invented lacrosse, all right, bro? 577 00:27:12.291 --> 00:27:14.500 [chuckles] Sure, man. Sure. 578 00:27:14.583 --> 00:27:17.750 We come as friends, mighty Geronimo… 579 00:27:17.833 --> 00:27:19.458 Nay, nay, we come as brothers. 580 00:27:19.541 --> 00:27:22.958 Mmm, Just doesn't feel right. Feels like you're gonna try to fuck me. 581 00:27:23.041 --> 00:27:24.583 What? We wouldn't, never! 582 00:27:24.666 --> 00:27:27.625 Yeah, no, I think you might. 583 00:27:27.708 --> 00:27:31.000 Like, epically, all the way down to my descendants. 584 00:27:31.083 --> 00:27:33.083 I got a sixth sense for this shit. 585 00:27:33.166 --> 00:27:34.833 No, our word is strong, 586 00:27:34.916 --> 00:27:38.291 like your mighty Indian tribe, the, um… the… 587 00:27:38.875 --> 00:27:40.000 Ch… 588 00:27:40.083 --> 00:27:41.083 No. 589 00:27:41.166 --> 00:27:43.125 The Chicory? 590 00:27:43.208 --> 00:27:44.625 Kay yay. 591 00:27:44.708 --> 00:27:45.666 Squa… 592 00:27:45.750 --> 00:27:48.541 Sha… Sass… Sasquatch! Sasquatch. 593 00:27:48.625 --> 00:27:50.333 -Gotta be Sasquatch. There we go. -Yes. 594 00:27:50.416 --> 00:27:53.750 Our word is strong, like your mighty tribe, the Sasquatch. 595 00:27:53.833 --> 00:27:56.458 [groans] Fine. What do you want? 596 00:27:56.541 --> 00:27:59.000 -We seek to topple the British. -I'm in. 597 00:27:59.083 --> 00:28:00.958 -Now, hear us out-- -Again, I'm in. 598 00:28:01.041 --> 00:28:03.666 -Not sure how much you know about them. -Uh, quite a bit. 599 00:28:03.750 --> 00:28:06.416 They are really, really shitty buzzkills. 600 00:28:06.500 --> 00:28:08.958 -Really? -Yeah, we call them, get this, here… 601 00:28:09.041 --> 00:28:11.416 -Ready? The fun police. -"The fun police"? 602 00:28:11.500 --> 00:28:13.750 Yeah. They all have all these rules. 603 00:28:13.833 --> 00:28:16.416 No one's allowed to have a single independent thought, 604 00:28:16.500 --> 00:28:18.541 and they're always taxing the shit out of everybody! 605 00:28:18.625 --> 00:28:20.208 Yeah, that sounds rough. 606 00:28:20.291 --> 00:28:22.583 [sniffs] My issue is just that they took my land, 607 00:28:22.666 --> 00:28:24.500 poisoned my people to the brink of extinction, 608 00:28:24.583 --> 00:28:26.583 and murdered everyone I've ever cared for. 609 00:28:26.666 --> 00:28:28.750 So… real buzzkill. 610 00:28:28.833 --> 00:28:31.833 That is classic fun police. Those guys have no chill. 611 00:28:31.916 --> 00:28:33.083 -Right? -Chief Geronimo-- 612 00:28:33.166 --> 00:28:34.875 -Just Geronimo is fine. -Just Geronimo-- 613 00:28:34.958 --> 00:28:35.791 Oh, God. 614 00:28:35.875 --> 00:28:38.083 We can't give you back your family. 615 00:28:38.166 --> 00:28:42.916 But join us and I promise you justice will finally be served. 616 00:28:43.000 --> 00:28:45.291 So, you're telling me that if I help you, 617 00:28:45.375 --> 00:28:47.375 when you win this land back from King James, 618 00:28:47.458 --> 00:28:49.125 you'll give it back to me and my family? 619 00:28:49.208 --> 00:28:51.333 -Absolutely. -[chuckles] Totally. 620 00:28:51.416 --> 00:28:52.416 [clears throat] 621 00:28:53.208 --> 00:28:55.750 -All of it? The whole enchilada? -Well, I mean-- 622 00:28:55.833 --> 00:28:57.166 [chuckles] Yeah, you bet we will. 623 00:28:57.250 --> 00:28:59.583 Sam, man, can I get a quick sidebar with you? 624 00:28:59.666 --> 00:29:02.166 You know what? I'm probably just being paranoid. 625 00:29:02.250 --> 00:29:05.500 So, what's the plan now, and does it involve Doritos? 626 00:29:05.583 --> 00:29:06.875 Nope, better. 627 00:29:07.500 --> 00:29:08.583 A handkerchief. 628 00:29:08.666 --> 00:29:11.791 [foghorn blaring] 629 00:29:18.666 --> 00:29:20.541 [ominous music playing] 630 00:29:34.125 --> 00:29:35.625 [Benedict] Greetings, Your Highness. 631 00:29:35.708 --> 00:29:38.541 May I be the first to welcome you to your New World? 632 00:29:38.625 --> 00:29:42.500 You may dispense with the pleasantries, Arnold. 633 00:29:42.583 --> 00:29:44.291 Such as they are. 634 00:29:44.375 --> 00:29:47.541 Yes, and this is, like, the nice part of town. 635 00:29:47.625 --> 00:29:51.125 Well, it smells like shit, which reminds me, 636 00:29:51.208 --> 00:29:53.541 I need to make room for second breakfast. 637 00:29:53.625 --> 00:29:56.833 I've had my fill of mushy peas and blood sausage. 638 00:29:56.916 --> 00:29:59.458 [Benedict] Yes, accommodations at the top of your obelisk 639 00:29:59.541 --> 00:30:01.000 are more well-suited, my king. 640 00:30:01.083 --> 00:30:05.833 Then, I can assume everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. 641 00:30:05.916 --> 00:30:07.875 Yes, your plan is proceeding. 642 00:30:07.958 --> 00:30:09.333 But we have had trouble 643 00:30:09.416 --> 00:30:12.166 with a certain colonist not falling in line. 644 00:30:12.250 --> 00:30:14.416 Well, has he read the rules? 645 00:30:15.125 --> 00:30:19.416 The rules should always be posted clearly in a public place 646 00:30:19.500 --> 00:30:21.875 where everyone can read them. 647 00:30:21.958 --> 00:30:24.500 Oh, can he… can he not read? 648 00:30:24.583 --> 00:30:27.583 Well, no, he has read them, Your Highness. 649 00:30:27.666 --> 00:30:30.666 However, he has chosen not to follow them. 650 00:30:30.750 --> 00:30:34.041 -[sputtering] But they are the rules! -I know! 651 00:30:34.125 --> 00:30:38.875 What is the point of being a ruler if people are not following your rules? 652 00:30:38.958 --> 00:30:41.083 This is, like, King Shit 101! 653 00:30:41.166 --> 00:30:43.041 I understand, my king. 654 00:30:43.125 --> 00:30:44.291 Not following the… 655 00:30:44.375 --> 00:30:47.625 [voice trembling] Arnold, why, do you know what this is? 656 00:30:47.708 --> 00:30:50.666 -I do. -It's rebellion! 657 00:30:50.750 --> 00:30:51.708 By definition. 658 00:30:51.791 --> 00:30:55.500 We cannot allow anything to stop my plan, Arnold! 659 00:30:55.583 --> 00:30:58.250 Crush this illiterate rebel scum! 660 00:30:58.333 --> 00:31:00.416 It will be my pleasure. 661 00:31:01.125 --> 00:31:02.625 Excellent. 662 00:31:04.583 --> 00:31:07.416 [Samuel] Dudes, are we close yet? I'm getting hangry. 663 00:31:07.500 --> 00:31:08.583 I could definitely eat. 664 00:31:08.666 --> 00:31:11.375 Oh, I saw a Boston Wild Wings about a mile back. 665 00:31:11.458 --> 00:31:12.583 What's a mile? 666 00:31:12.666 --> 00:31:15.083 And I could totally crush some B-dubs right now. 667 00:31:15.166 --> 00:31:17.416 Hey, hey! Knock it off, guys. 668 00:31:17.500 --> 00:31:19.583 First, we start a revolution. 669 00:31:19.666 --> 00:31:21.750 Then we can have all the Boston Wild Wings 670 00:31:21.833 --> 00:31:23.041 that we've ever dreamed of, 671 00:31:23.125 --> 00:31:25.750 just like our forefathers prophesized, okay? 672 00:31:25.833 --> 00:31:27.791 Now, Geronimo, what do you got? 673 00:31:27.875 --> 00:31:30.708 Uh, tracking isn't an exact science. 674 00:31:30.791 --> 00:31:33.458 This is a handkerchief. What do you think I am? A dog? 675 00:31:33.541 --> 00:31:36.750 [chuckles] Okay, I know this is a trick question, 676 00:31:36.833 --> 00:31:40.083 so I'm gonna go with my immediate impulse. Yes. 677 00:31:40.166 --> 00:31:41.583 Fuck you, dude. [sniffs] 678 00:31:41.666 --> 00:31:43.750 -Yeah, he's in there. -[redcoat 1] Ello, guv'ner. 679 00:31:43.833 --> 00:31:46.208 -[redcoat 2] Ello, guv'ner. -Ello, guv! 680 00:31:46.291 --> 00:31:48.166 [all] Ello, guv'ner. 681 00:31:48.250 --> 00:31:49.833 All right, that's a lot of men. 682 00:31:49.916 --> 00:31:52.166 And it's a sure bet that there's even more inside. 683 00:31:52.250 --> 00:31:54.916 Wait, are we seriously thinkin' about goin' in there? 684 00:31:55.000 --> 00:31:58.125 -Look at this place! It's a quagmire! -[all] Guv'ner! 685 00:31:58.208 --> 00:32:00.958 Guys, we could be here for years and accomplish nothing. 686 00:32:01.041 --> 00:32:04.125 You're right. But we'd be accomplishing nothing… 687 00:32:04.750 --> 00:32:05.916 for America. 688 00:32:06.541 --> 00:32:08.458 Guys, I can't ask you to go in there with me. 689 00:32:08.541 --> 00:32:09.375 Phew! 690 00:32:09.458 --> 00:32:11.666 -Yeah, good, because no. -Great. Good luck. 691 00:32:11.750 --> 00:32:13.250 Whoa, whoa, wait, hold on. 692 00:32:13.333 --> 00:32:16.250 I thought I'd be all like, "No, don't. I can do it." 693 00:32:16.333 --> 00:32:19.708 And then you guys would be like, "No, I'll come, don't worry." 694 00:32:19.791 --> 00:32:23.291 I never know the right thing to say when I'm tryin' to lead. This sucks! 695 00:32:23.375 --> 00:32:27.708 So, yeah, I guess I am. I'm asking you to go in there with me. 696 00:32:29.500 --> 00:32:31.041 Will you please go in there with me? 697 00:32:31.625 --> 00:32:34.333 Huh, well, with a pep talk like that, how could I say no? 698 00:32:34.416 --> 00:32:37.875 Pfft, whatever. Let's just go kick some Redcoat ass! 699 00:32:37.958 --> 00:32:41.125 Wait, wait, wait! At least… Just let me do an entrance thing. 700 00:32:41.208 --> 00:32:43.250 [redcoat] Guv'ner? [grunts] 701 00:32:43.333 --> 00:32:46.291 Ding dong! It's America, motherfucker! 702 00:32:46.375 --> 00:32:48.875 Oh, Georgie! Well, color me surprised. 703 00:32:48.958 --> 00:32:51.000 Oh, I'll color you fuckin' dead, Ben! 704 00:32:51.083 --> 00:32:52.875 [laughs] Bravo! 705 00:32:52.958 --> 00:32:55.833 Did you practice that line in the car on your way here? 706 00:32:55.916 --> 00:32:57.250 What the fuck is a car? 707 00:32:57.333 --> 00:33:00.333 And, no, it was a rebuttal to something that you just said! 708 00:33:00.416 --> 00:33:02.041 How could I have thought of it in advance 709 00:33:02.125 --> 00:33:04.750 if you said it just now and I came up with the perfect rebuttal? 710 00:33:04.833 --> 00:33:06.416 Oh, pardon me. 711 00:33:06.500 --> 00:33:09.458 I forgot you aren't versed in the gentlemanly art of debate, 712 00:33:09.541 --> 00:33:11.250 like your best friend, Abe Lincoln. 713 00:33:11.333 --> 00:33:15.916 Oh, or should I say ex-best friend? 714 00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:17.125 [laughs] 715 00:33:17.208 --> 00:33:18.875 -Because he's dead. -Damn, he's good. 716 00:33:18.958 --> 00:33:20.583 -All right, fuck this. -[glass shatters] 717 00:33:22.875 --> 00:33:26.416 -[motor revs] -[yelling] For Abe! 718 00:33:26.500 --> 00:33:27.958 [objects clattering] 719 00:33:28.041 --> 00:33:30.833 -[Samuel] Yippie-kay-yay, motherfu-- Whoa! -[electrical buzzing] 720 00:33:30.916 --> 00:33:33.166 -[Samuel] Watch it, witch! -[Edison] You watch it, dick! 721 00:33:36.291 --> 00:33:38.333 [George] Yeah. Well, that could've gone better. 722 00:33:38.416 --> 00:33:41.291 Ya think? Edison almost got everybody killed! 723 00:33:41.375 --> 00:33:44.333 -Everybody almost got everybody killed! -Where's Arnold? 724 00:33:44.416 --> 00:33:47.500 And where's Geronimo? He smells like campfire. 725 00:33:52.541 --> 00:33:54.583 You carry an unusual scent for a man. 726 00:33:55.125 --> 00:33:57.083 Almost like you're not a man at all, but a-- 727 00:33:57.166 --> 00:33:58.208 [growls] 728 00:33:58.291 --> 00:33:59.375 [grunts] 729 00:33:59.458 --> 00:34:01.166 Stay and fight, you dick! 730 00:34:01.250 --> 00:34:03.166 Damn it! Oh, my God! Geronimo! 731 00:34:03.250 --> 00:34:04.541 That bastard bit me! 732 00:34:04.625 --> 00:34:06.916 It can't be. I thought they were just a myth. 733 00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:10.333 The Navajo have a name for their kind. Skinwalker. 734 00:34:10.416 --> 00:34:12.125 I won't live with this curse. 735 00:34:12.208 --> 00:34:14.041 -Hand me my ax. -Are you sure? 736 00:34:14.125 --> 00:34:15.666 Does my grandfather shit in the woods? 737 00:34:15.750 --> 00:34:18.375 Um, I… Does he? I didn't know him. 738 00:34:18.458 --> 00:34:20.125 It's what we call bears. 739 00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:23.000 We call bears "grandfather." 740 00:34:23.083 --> 00:34:25.125 Fuck it, just give me my ax! 741 00:34:25.208 --> 00:34:26.500 [breathing heavily] 742 00:34:28.166 --> 00:34:29.333 [screams] 743 00:34:31.500 --> 00:34:33.916 Whoa, whoa, Geronimo! What happened? Are you okay? 744 00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:35.333 Go! I'll take care of him. 745 00:34:35.416 --> 00:34:38.208 She's right, he's not important. Arnold's getting away! 746 00:34:38.291 --> 00:34:39.541 [horse neighs] 747 00:34:39.625 --> 00:34:42.625 No! No. We never leave a man behind. 748 00:34:42.708 --> 00:34:45.500 Edison, dress that wound. Paul, call your horse. 749 00:34:45.583 --> 00:34:47.666 Hey, Clyde! 750 00:34:47.750 --> 00:34:49.708 ["Yankee And The Brave" playing] 751 00:34:52.083 --> 00:34:54.375 -That way! -Run, Clyde, run! 752 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.666 [explodes] 753 00:35:05.833 --> 00:35:07.041 [neighs] 754 00:35:10.583 --> 00:35:12.291 [sirens blaring] 755 00:35:31.041 --> 00:35:32.375 [explodes] 756 00:35:39.875 --> 00:35:41.083 [cackles] 757 00:35:47.541 --> 00:35:49.750 -Whoa, whoa, whoa! -[hooves screeching] 758 00:35:58.416 --> 00:35:59.333 [neighs] 759 00:36:00.041 --> 00:36:03.166 Welcome to hell… acopter? 760 00:36:03.250 --> 00:36:06.291 I'm still working on it. I don't love it, but I don't hate it. 761 00:36:09.833 --> 00:36:13.541 -[Edison] Paul, you were amazing. -[Paul] Aw, thank you, human lady friend. 762 00:36:13.625 --> 00:36:16.875 And, Sam, your propensity for murder is extraordinary. 763 00:36:16.958 --> 00:36:20.375 Thank you. I took murder lessons from John Wick. 764 00:36:20.458 --> 00:36:22.458 -[gasps] The candle maker? -Yeah! 765 00:36:22.541 --> 00:36:25.875 That dude is a fuckin' psycho! [laughs] 766 00:36:25.958 --> 00:36:27.583 Yo, check it. The carriage stopped. 767 00:36:27.666 --> 00:36:29.416 [George] But why would he stop here? 768 00:36:29.500 --> 00:36:30.833 The road to Delaware! 769 00:36:33.333 --> 00:36:35.583 Sea-Doo, bitches! 770 00:36:36.625 --> 00:36:39.416 Paul, can your sizable steed clear that river? 771 00:36:39.500 --> 00:36:42.208 -Only one way to find out. -[neighs] 772 00:36:43.791 --> 00:36:45.416 In God I trust. 773 00:36:45.500 --> 00:36:46.500 [neighs] 774 00:36:49.041 --> 00:36:51.416 [all] Whoa! 775 00:36:51.500 --> 00:36:52.625 [Samuel] Oh, shit. 776 00:36:53.583 --> 00:36:55.000 [all coughing] 777 00:36:55.083 --> 00:36:57.833 He shorted it, Paul. Hey, Paul, he shorted it. 778 00:36:57.916 --> 00:37:01.083 Clyde! His natural buoyancy can support us all! 779 00:37:01.166 --> 00:37:03.083 [George coughing] Jesus Christ! 780 00:37:03.166 --> 00:37:06.041 Did you know that your horse could swim that fast? 781 00:37:06.125 --> 00:37:08.500 Oh, yeah, Clyde's a great swimmer. 782 00:37:08.583 --> 00:37:12.166 He's great at so many things. So proud! 783 00:37:13.625 --> 00:37:14.625 [gasps] 784 00:37:15.958 --> 00:37:19.208 Thank you, Geronimo. Your hair looks even better wet. 785 00:37:19.291 --> 00:37:21.625 Y'all a bunch of idiots. 786 00:37:21.708 --> 00:37:24.166 [sighs] This feels like the end… 787 00:37:24.250 --> 00:37:26.750 of the first act… of my life. 788 00:37:27.416 --> 00:37:28.791 All hope is lost. 789 00:37:29.500 --> 00:37:32.791 What do we even do now? Where do we go from here? 790 00:37:32.875 --> 00:37:35.041 [gasps] Where we go isn't the question. 791 00:37:35.125 --> 00:37:37.208 The question is, 792 00:37:37.291 --> 00:37:40.500 do we bring an entree or a fucking dessert? 793 00:37:43.125 --> 00:37:47.000 [Edison] Oh, guys, Gettysburg is impossibly vast. 794 00:37:47.083 --> 00:37:50.541 Finding this address is like finding a needle in a haystack. 795 00:37:50.625 --> 00:37:52.375 Yeah, Edison's right. Let's just give up. 796 00:37:52.458 --> 00:37:55.666 -That is not what I said. -What? Dudes, look, we tried. 797 00:37:55.750 --> 00:37:58.916 One thing. We literally tried one thing. 798 00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:00.958 Yeah, and it didn't work. 799 00:38:01.041 --> 00:38:03.041 -[horn sounds] -We all got wet, Edison. God! 800 00:38:03.125 --> 00:38:04.666 Look, this isn't fun anymore. 801 00:38:04.750 --> 00:38:06.958 Uh, I can fix that. 802 00:38:07.041 --> 00:38:09.083 Let's get hammered! 803 00:38:09.166 --> 00:38:13.500 Then, fuck it, we hit the streets mob-rules style. 804 00:38:13.583 --> 00:38:16.458 Anyone we see who doesn't look like us, 805 00:38:16.541 --> 00:38:19.583 they see the bottom of our boots! 806 00:38:19.666 --> 00:38:20.916 Oh, my God. 807 00:38:21.000 --> 00:38:24.041 Okay, fine, no Indians this time. Ooh, geez. 808 00:38:24.125 --> 00:38:27.333 Oh, my God. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Sam. 809 00:38:27.416 --> 00:38:30.500 -This is not India. -Also, you're a fucking racist. 810 00:38:30.583 --> 00:38:33.166 Uh, no, Paul's the racist. 811 00:38:33.250 --> 00:38:35.416 He's the best horse racist in the colonies. 812 00:38:35.500 --> 00:38:37.333 Yeah, I'm a great racist. 813 00:38:37.416 --> 00:38:38.791 Holy shit. 814 00:38:38.875 --> 00:38:40.666 -[plucking guitar string] -[sighs] 815 00:38:40.750 --> 00:38:44.333 [singing] A… A… A… A… A… 816 00:38:44.416 --> 00:38:47.291 Who wants pizza rolls and purple stuff? 817 00:38:47.375 --> 00:38:51.000 -Oh, wow, Chief Geronimo! -Just Geronimo is fine. 818 00:38:51.083 --> 00:38:53.500 -You're the famous renegade tracker. -Sure. 819 00:38:53.583 --> 00:38:57.166 And [gasps] you're Thomas Edison, the world-renowned scientist! 820 00:38:57.250 --> 00:38:58.541 [scoffs] The same. 821 00:38:58.625 --> 00:39:01.250 Wow, George, the team is really shaping up nicely. 822 00:39:01.333 --> 00:39:04.208 Oh, no. No, we're not a team anymore, Martha. We quit. 823 00:39:04.291 --> 00:39:06.458 -What? -Besides, the revolution was Abe's thing. 824 00:39:06.541 --> 00:39:08.666 I tried to avenge him, but we blew it. 825 00:39:08.750 --> 00:39:11.208 Now, we're just gonna jam a bit and slam some beers. 826 00:39:11.291 --> 00:39:12.875 This is a basic blues riff, guys. 827 00:39:12.958 --> 00:39:16.208 Just watch me for the changes. All right, losers, let's party. 828 00:39:16.291 --> 00:39:20.333 No! George Bon Jovi Washington, you do not get to party. 829 00:39:20.416 --> 00:39:22.833 -What? -Would Abe want to party right now? 830 00:39:22.916 --> 00:39:24.375 Abe never wanted to party. 831 00:39:24.458 --> 00:39:28.583 Because he had goals, unrealized dreams. 832 00:39:28.666 --> 00:39:31.791 But you bet your ass once those dreams were realized, 833 00:39:31.875 --> 00:39:34.791 he would've snorted a line as long as the Magna Carta. 834 00:39:34.875 --> 00:39:37.375 Really? No. Abe? My Abe? 835 00:39:37.458 --> 00:39:39.208 Are you kidding? With that head? 836 00:39:39.291 --> 00:39:44.208 [laughs] Dude was all sinus. He was made for the marching powder. 837 00:39:44.291 --> 00:39:45.500 Not how cocaine works. 838 00:39:45.583 --> 00:39:48.708 Now, those goals are your goals. 839 00:39:48.791 --> 00:39:52.666 Those unrealized dreams are your unrealized dreams. 840 00:39:52.750 --> 00:39:55.125 That's the promise that you made, right? 841 00:39:55.208 --> 00:39:57.541 So, achieve those goals. 842 00:39:57.625 --> 00:39:59.458 Realize those dreams. 843 00:39:59.541 --> 00:40:03.333 And then, you can party like a rich white man 844 00:40:03.416 --> 00:40:08.291 who will never face adversity for the rest of his glorious life! 845 00:40:08.958 --> 00:40:11.416 You're right. I have to earn it. 846 00:40:11.500 --> 00:40:13.625 That is what Abe would want, 847 00:40:13.708 --> 00:40:16.291 that insane coke-hound! [chuckles] 848 00:40:16.375 --> 00:40:18.041 Guys, I've thought about it. 849 00:40:18.125 --> 00:40:20.166 I'm willing to give it another shot if you are. 850 00:40:20.250 --> 00:40:21.541 -What do you say? -Sure, man. 851 00:40:21.625 --> 00:40:22.750 Um, you're the one who quit. 852 00:40:22.833 --> 00:40:26.458 If we can find Arnold, we can force the Gettysburg Address out of him. 853 00:40:26.541 --> 00:40:29.750 Oh, I'm sorry, did none of you notice my fucking arm? 854 00:40:29.833 --> 00:40:32.000 Benedict Arnold is a werewolf! 855 00:40:32.625 --> 00:40:34.416 In some cultures, known as a skinwalker. 856 00:40:34.500 --> 00:40:37.833 He ain't givin' up shit unless he thinks we're an actual threat to him. 857 00:40:37.916 --> 00:40:39.666 The only way to be an actual threat to him-- 858 00:40:39.750 --> 00:40:42.041 Is if we have a silver bullet. 859 00:40:42.125 --> 00:40:44.333 -Exactly. -Wait, what are we doing again? 860 00:40:44.416 --> 00:40:47.125 A silver bullet? Who could ever even make such a thing? 861 00:40:47.208 --> 00:40:48.458 I know a blacksmith. 862 00:40:48.541 --> 00:40:51.458 He made this armor and I've never taken it off. 863 00:40:51.541 --> 00:40:54.291 Okay. Okay! We'll visit this blacksmith 864 00:40:54.375 --> 00:40:58.208 and he will discover the secret of the impossible weapon we require. 865 00:40:58.291 --> 00:41:00.083 Because our cause is just! 866 00:41:00.166 --> 00:41:01.416 It is righteous! 867 00:41:01.500 --> 00:41:03.916 It is His will! His and Abe's! 868 00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:05.583 -And the Earth Mother's. -Nope. 869 00:41:05.666 --> 00:41:07.625 -And Isaac Newton's. -Nope. Just God's. 870 00:41:07.708 --> 00:41:10.041 I hold these truths to be self-evident. 871 00:41:10.125 --> 00:41:12.208 All for one and one for all! 872 00:41:12.291 --> 00:41:14.500 We will find the Gettysburg Address. 873 00:41:14.583 --> 00:41:15.708 [all] Huzzah! 874 00:41:15.791 --> 00:41:17.708 [Paul] Huzzah! Nope, too late. 875 00:41:19.833 --> 00:41:21.166 [clanking] 876 00:41:21.875 --> 00:41:22.708 [grunts] 877 00:41:22.791 --> 00:41:24.166 [hisses] 878 00:41:32.083 --> 00:41:35.041 -Smittay! -[bell chimes] 879 00:41:37.083 --> 00:41:39.166 Damn! Fuck my life. 880 00:41:39.250 --> 00:41:40.708 We're friends. 881 00:41:40.791 --> 00:41:42.833 [birds chirping] 882 00:41:43.875 --> 00:41:46.166 Do I even wanna know why you need a silver bullet? 883 00:41:46.250 --> 00:41:48.041 Best that you not know, Mr. Smith. 884 00:41:48.125 --> 00:41:49.666 Why do you keep calling me Mr. Smith? 885 00:41:49.750 --> 00:41:52.041 Well, Revere called you Black Smith. 886 00:41:52.125 --> 00:41:55.125 -Right, because I'm a blacksmith. -Right. A Black Smith. 887 00:41:55.208 --> 00:41:56.750 -A blacksmith. -Black Smith. 888 00:41:56.833 --> 00:41:58.750 I'm a smith who works with metal, 889 00:41:58.833 --> 00:42:02.833 which oxidizes during the heating process and turns black. 890 00:42:02.916 --> 00:42:05.500 -So, you're a Smith. -Exactly. 891 00:42:05.583 --> 00:42:07.083 -Of the Baltimore Smiths? -[sighs] 892 00:42:07.166 --> 00:42:08.750 Just tell me what you need it for. 893 00:42:08.833 --> 00:42:11.500 It'll be used to free the colonies. Let's just leave it at that. 894 00:42:11.583 --> 00:42:14.250 Oh, you're talking about the Brits. 895 00:42:14.333 --> 00:42:17.416 Shit, why didn't you say so? I'm definitely down for that. 896 00:42:17.500 --> 00:42:19.208 -You are? -Fuck, yeah! 897 00:42:19.291 --> 00:42:20.833 I mean, don't get it twisted. 898 00:42:20.916 --> 00:42:23.291 I definitely do not trust you motherfuckers. 899 00:42:23.875 --> 00:42:25.125 You three, especially. 900 00:42:25.208 --> 00:42:27.375 But fuck, man, I hate the British. 901 00:42:27.458 --> 00:42:29.250 Why, what have the fun police done to you? 902 00:42:29.333 --> 00:42:31.416 Look around. I'm a small business owner. 903 00:42:31.500 --> 00:42:34.208 What's a small business owner's greatest enemy? 904 00:42:34.291 --> 00:42:36.041 -Large businesses? -Thin profit margins? 905 00:42:36.125 --> 00:42:38.708 -Rising lube costs? -White people stealing everything you own. 906 00:42:38.958 --> 00:42:40.666 -Having a squirrel for a friend? -No. 907 00:42:40.750 --> 00:42:42.458 -Staff turnover? -Tesla being a bitch? 908 00:42:42.541 --> 00:42:46.125 -Not getting drunk at lunch? -White people stealing everything you own. 909 00:42:46.208 --> 00:42:47.708 Constant instinct to second-guess 910 00:42:47.791 --> 00:42:50.250 having risked your savings on unproven business acumen? 911 00:42:50.333 --> 00:42:53.041 -No, it's taxes. -Taxes. Correct. 912 00:42:53.125 --> 00:42:56.791 Small business taxes. And what's the big knock against the British? 913 00:42:56.875 --> 00:42:59.125 -Something about taxation! -Exactly. 914 00:42:59.208 --> 00:43:01.875 You'll help us? You'll craft the silver bullet free of charge? 915 00:43:01.958 --> 00:43:04.250 What? Are you white motherfuckers crazy? 916 00:43:04.333 --> 00:43:07.000 I just told you I'm a small business owner. 917 00:43:07.083 --> 00:43:09.625 You think I'm gonna give you silver for free? 918 00:43:09.708 --> 00:43:11.291 Well, we don't have silver. 919 00:43:11.375 --> 00:43:13.333 The British seized it all when they got here-- 920 00:43:13.416 --> 00:43:16.625 Spoons. Teaspoons. I remember. 921 00:43:16.708 --> 00:43:18.750 Why do you think that shit's so expensive? 922 00:43:18.833 --> 00:43:21.875 Okay. Well, how much do we need for, like, one bullet? 923 00:43:21.958 --> 00:43:24.333 -A metric shit-ton. -For one bullet? 924 00:43:24.416 --> 00:43:28.000 Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a fucking metallurgist like me? 925 00:43:28.083 --> 00:43:30.458 -That's, like, a thousand spoons! -Three thousand. 926 00:43:30.541 --> 00:43:32.500 It's a metric shit-ton. 927 00:43:32.583 --> 00:43:35.541 Where are we gonna get 3,000 spoons overnight, bro? 928 00:43:35.625 --> 00:43:36.458 Well… 929 00:43:36.541 --> 00:43:39.166 [ship horn sounds] 930 00:43:39.250 --> 00:43:42.083 [blacksmith] May I present, the year's biggest tea party. 931 00:43:42.166 --> 00:43:45.041 You need silver spoons, you need to get aboard that ship. 932 00:43:45.125 --> 00:43:47.458 Wait a minute. How did you know about this? 933 00:43:48.500 --> 00:43:50.916 [Samuel] What's up with these assholes and flyers? 934 00:43:51.000 --> 00:43:54.458 Well, it's a great way to communicate with a widespread audience, 935 00:43:54.541 --> 00:43:58.208 much like direct mail or the Pony Express, where my brother does not work. 936 00:43:58.291 --> 00:44:01.625 -[grunts] All right. Shall we? -Wait, wait, wait. Wait! 937 00:44:04.166 --> 00:44:05.625 -We need a plan. -Why? 938 00:44:05.708 --> 00:44:08.583 Well, last time we didn't have one and things got shitty. 939 00:44:08.666 --> 00:44:10.333 -Huh? -Yeah, Geronimo lost his arm. 940 00:44:10.416 --> 00:44:13.916 -No, he lost like three-fifths of an arm. -[scoffs] Seriously? 941 00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:15.958 Oh, thoughts and prayers. 942 00:44:16.041 --> 00:44:19.250 Look, good leaders like Abe have a plan for everything. 943 00:44:19.333 --> 00:44:21.875 -All right, His Leadership, let's hear it. -Okay. 944 00:44:21.958 --> 00:44:24.583 So, Mr. Smith, you'll be the lookout. 945 00:44:24.666 --> 00:44:26.791 -[blacksmith laughs] Nope. -What? 946 00:44:26.875 --> 00:44:31.083 You want me, a Black dude, to sit here in the dark, alone, 947 00:44:31.166 --> 00:44:33.458 to play lookout for you while you break the law? 948 00:44:33.541 --> 00:44:37.500 Oh, hell no! I hate the British but I ain't lookin' to get killed. 949 00:44:37.583 --> 00:44:40.458 So, y'all are on your own to get that silver. 950 00:44:40.541 --> 00:44:42.875 But if you do get it, I'll make your little bullet. 951 00:44:42.958 --> 00:44:45.041 All right. Then… 952 00:44:45.125 --> 00:44:46.375 here's the plan. 953 00:44:46.458 --> 00:44:50.416 Geronimo, you'll be the lookout. Are you cool with being the lookout? 954 00:44:50.500 --> 00:44:52.958 I mean, if my choice is to be the lookout 955 00:44:53.041 --> 00:44:56.666 or have one of you looking out for me, yeah, I'll be the lookout. 956 00:44:56.750 --> 00:45:00.708 Great. Okay. Edison, you'll pose as the wife of an officer already on board. 957 00:45:00.791 --> 00:45:04.833 [groans] This is taking too long. Let's just dress as those guys. 958 00:45:04.916 --> 00:45:07.375 [all] Ello, guv. 959 00:45:07.458 --> 00:45:09.833 Well, technically, that is a plan. 960 00:45:11.875 --> 00:45:14.000 Just technically, a very bad plan. 961 00:45:14.083 --> 00:45:18.916 Ha! I told you a jail would be a better use of space than lifeboats. 962 00:45:19.000 --> 00:45:21.208 Hey, at least we got on board, right, guys? 963 00:45:21.291 --> 00:45:24.250 I consider this mission accomplished. Ooh, we should get a banner. 964 00:45:24.333 --> 00:45:28.375 Ugh, shockingly, Sam's not wrong. We can still make this work. 965 00:45:28.458 --> 00:45:30.666 I've taken note of how often the guards go on rounds. 966 00:45:30.750 --> 00:45:32.666 -If we lay low for a few hours-- -No! 967 00:45:32.750 --> 00:45:34.875 Enough with all of the planning! 968 00:45:34.958 --> 00:45:38.125 Did Magellan have a plan when he circumnavigated the globe? 969 00:45:38.208 --> 00:45:39.333 -[all] No! -[Edison] Yes. 970 00:45:39.416 --> 00:45:40.750 That took a lot of preparation. 971 00:45:40.833 --> 00:45:46.000 We'll set our course for freedom using only our wits as our guide. 972 00:45:46.083 --> 00:45:48.916 Mr. Revere, tear down that wall. 973 00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:50.458 [Paul] Whee! 974 00:45:53.958 --> 00:45:55.333 What is this place? 975 00:45:55.416 --> 00:45:57.666 I don't know, but don't touch any-- 976 00:45:57.750 --> 00:45:58.958 Ooh, oops. 977 00:46:10.750 --> 00:46:14.416 They're steeping the colonists in tea! 978 00:46:14.500 --> 00:46:18.041 Turning them British. James, you sick bastard! 979 00:46:18.125 --> 00:46:20.541 Look, as far as I can tell, this is a test run. 980 00:46:20.625 --> 00:46:23.375 James is up to something bigger than crushing the revolution. 981 00:46:23.458 --> 00:46:25.916 Maybe even… Oh, fuck! I don't even want to say it! 982 00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:27.750 -Just say it. -Something global. 983 00:46:27.833 --> 00:46:28.708 [all gasp] 984 00:46:28.791 --> 00:46:31.750 -That means… -There are global stakes now. 985 00:46:31.833 --> 00:46:34.416 Good God! Can you figure out what he's planning? 986 00:46:34.500 --> 00:46:37.291 Yeah, I think I can. If I can just hack the mainframe. 987 00:46:37.375 --> 00:46:40.125 Great. Guys, gather as many silver spoons as you can. 988 00:46:40.208 --> 00:46:44.291 In the meantime, I'll get these hardworking Americans out of these tubes! 989 00:46:44.375 --> 00:46:45.625 [Edison] George! No! 990 00:46:46.541 --> 00:46:50.708 No! I had almost downloaded the plan. 991 00:46:50.791 --> 00:46:53.333 -Uh, guys, we gotta go. -Yep. 992 00:46:53.416 --> 00:46:56.000 Totally right. Grab spoons, guys. Quick, let's go. 993 00:46:57.166 --> 00:46:58.833 [exploding] 994 00:47:01.666 --> 00:47:03.000 [indistinct shouting] 995 00:47:05.416 --> 00:47:06.750 [screams] 996 00:47:09.958 --> 00:47:12.708 -[Paul] Oh, no. -Oh, my God, the humanity. 997 00:47:12.791 --> 00:47:15.083 This is bad. This is so bad. 998 00:47:15.166 --> 00:47:16.916 Those poor boat people. 999 00:47:17.000 --> 00:47:20.708 Look, if anybody asks, the Titanic hit an iceberg. 1000 00:47:20.791 --> 00:47:23.250 We were never here, baby. 1001 00:47:27.333 --> 00:47:28.666 [sighs] 1002 00:47:28.750 --> 00:47:31.791 It's hopeless, Martha. At this rate, I'll never avenge Abe. 1003 00:47:31.875 --> 00:47:33.708 And see his dream through, don't forget. 1004 00:47:33.791 --> 00:47:36.458 -That's the whole second part. -I tried. 1005 00:47:36.541 --> 00:47:40.375 I tried to be a leader like him, Martha. It's just not working. 1006 00:47:40.458 --> 00:47:43.666 Oh, George. Abe was a great leader, but you can't copy him. 1007 00:47:43.750 --> 00:47:46.458 You must find your own style of leadership. 1008 00:47:46.541 --> 00:47:50.583 Maybe something with less planning. Something more free-spirited, like you. 1009 00:47:50.666 --> 00:47:53.333 I know. I just wish I realized that before we… 1010 00:47:53.416 --> 00:47:56.458 Before the Titanic hit that iceberg. 1011 00:47:56.541 --> 00:47:58.333 Yes. What a tragedy. 1012 00:47:58.416 --> 00:48:00.416 Right? Such a tragedy! 1013 00:48:00.500 --> 00:48:05.333 It feels like, for every step forward, we just take two steps back. John 3:16. 1014 00:48:05.416 --> 00:48:09.041 Then, let's focus on the positive, huh? What was tonight's step forward? 1015 00:48:09.125 --> 00:48:10.875 -I got these spoons. -[spoons jingling] 1016 00:48:10.958 --> 00:48:14.291 Oh, that's great, George. And are they, like, for something? 1017 00:48:14.375 --> 00:48:17.875 Yeah, but they're still useless without the Gettysburg Address. 1018 00:48:17.958 --> 00:48:21.041 [sighs] The tirelessness with which you've pursued your quest 1019 00:48:21.125 --> 00:48:23.000 has betrayed your confidence in it. 1020 00:48:23.083 --> 00:48:25.333 Perhaps a quick HJ to help you sleep. 1021 00:48:25.416 --> 00:48:27.583 Generous, but I need to earn it. 1022 00:48:27.666 --> 00:48:29.250 Then, for now, rest, my love. 1023 00:48:29.333 --> 00:48:32.083 Clear your head. It's always darkest before the dawn. 1024 00:48:32.166 --> 00:48:35.083 -John 3:16? -I don't think so, champ. 1025 00:48:35.958 --> 00:48:38.250 For now, rest, my love. Clear your head. 1026 00:48:38.333 --> 00:48:40.250 It's always darkest before the dawn. 1027 00:48:41.291 --> 00:48:42.208 [gasps] 1028 00:48:42.291 --> 00:48:43.750 Where am I? 1029 00:48:43.833 --> 00:48:45.875 [Abe] Don't worry, George. You're safe. 1030 00:48:45.958 --> 00:48:49.708 Abe? Abe, is that you? I can't see. Everything's so bright. 1031 00:48:49.791 --> 00:48:53.333 Oh, that's me. Sorry, I was trying to make this seem more impressive. 1032 00:48:53.833 --> 00:48:56.708 It's great to see you, Abe. But what is this place? 1033 00:48:56.791 --> 00:48:59.833 [echoing] It's your dream world, George. 1034 00:48:59.916 --> 00:49:00.958 Is it? 1035 00:49:01.041 --> 00:49:04.583 Can I ask a question, real quick? Why is my dream world so shitty? 1036 00:49:04.666 --> 00:49:07.041 [chuckles] Well, we ran out of money. 1037 00:49:07.125 --> 00:49:08.666 -My dream ran out of money? -Sure. 1038 00:49:08.750 --> 00:49:12.500 Yeah. Look, I've been told by the, you know, "dream producers," 1039 00:49:12.583 --> 00:49:15.291 that we could use this money more effectively elsewhere. 1040 00:49:15.375 --> 00:49:19.875 Like in an epic ending battle happening sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. 1041 00:49:19.958 --> 00:49:21.583 Okay, well, what were you gonna do? 1042 00:49:21.666 --> 00:49:23.708 Oh, I had this whole idea worked out. 1043 00:49:23.791 --> 00:49:26.500 -You were gonna fight a dream-hydra. -Whoa, that's cool. 1044 00:49:26.583 --> 00:49:29.875 I know. And it was made up of all of King James' rules. 1045 00:49:29.958 --> 00:49:32.375 And for every rule you cut down, another appeared. 1046 00:49:32.458 --> 00:49:33.708 -Rah! -[George] Ooh! 1047 00:49:33.791 --> 00:49:35.958 -That's a nice metaphor, dude! -Thanks, bro. 1048 00:49:36.041 --> 00:49:37.958 And it was all about how the revolution 1049 00:49:38.041 --> 00:49:40.958 is about more than just breaking the king's rules. 1050 00:49:41.041 --> 00:49:43.000 It's also about your son. 1051 00:49:43.083 --> 00:49:46.083 -What? I'm havin' a boy? -[laughs] Yeah! 1052 00:49:46.166 --> 00:49:49.208 Boom! Sex, bitch! Oh, shit! Yeah! 1053 00:49:49.291 --> 00:49:51.083 Either way would be cool. Girls are cool. 1054 00:49:51.166 --> 00:49:54.500 Yeah. Yeah, it's a son, though. He's the future. 1055 00:49:54.583 --> 00:49:57.875 Him and all the sons and daughters of this great nation, 1056 00:49:57.958 --> 00:50:01.041 no matter what they look like or where they come from. 1057 00:50:01.125 --> 00:50:03.250 Be a leader for them, George. 1058 00:50:03.333 --> 00:50:05.291 A leader for all people! 1059 00:50:05.375 --> 00:50:07.666 I get it. I get it, Abe. 1060 00:50:07.750 --> 00:50:09.416 But I would've got it a lot better 1061 00:50:09.500 --> 00:50:11.666 if I was kicking an ass of a giant dream-hydra, 1062 00:50:11.750 --> 00:50:13.666 but I'm just saying, I get it. I got it. 1063 00:50:13.750 --> 00:50:15.458 Agreed. But don't worry, George. 1064 00:50:15.541 --> 00:50:17.333 There's plenty of fighting left to do. 1065 00:50:17.416 --> 00:50:18.750 Oh, and one more thing. 1066 00:50:18.833 --> 00:50:21.125 What is it, old chum? You can tell me anything. 1067 00:50:21.208 --> 00:50:24.166 When your wife offers you a hand job, you take it. 1068 00:50:24.250 --> 00:50:25.750 -[Martha] George! -Martha! 1069 00:50:25.833 --> 00:50:28.333 -[groans] George! -Martha! 1070 00:50:28.416 --> 00:50:31.000 Oh, don't worry about her, Georgie. 1071 00:50:31.083 --> 00:50:35.583 She'll be quite not well taken care of, if you catch my drift. 1072 00:50:35.666 --> 00:50:39.291 I don't. But you were on the Titanic. You should be dead. 1073 00:50:39.375 --> 00:50:41.916 I mean, I heard you were on the Titanic. 1074 00:50:42.000 --> 00:50:44.416 That's what I heard from someone who was there, 1075 00:50:44.500 --> 00:50:47.666 while I was here… reading… this book. 1076 00:50:47.750 --> 00:50:48.875 The Graps of Wreath. 1077 00:50:48.958 --> 00:50:51.250 Yes, well, I'm an excellent swimmer, dickhead. 1078 00:50:51.333 --> 00:50:53.000 You should've done your research. 1079 00:50:53.083 --> 00:50:54.166 Thanks for the tip. 1080 00:50:54.250 --> 00:50:56.333 When Edison invents the Internet next year, 1081 00:50:56.416 --> 00:50:59.708 I'll make sure to edit your Wikipedia page myself. 1082 00:50:59.791 --> 00:51:05.500 "Benedict Arnold, great swimmer and a total fucking asswipe." 1083 00:51:05.583 --> 00:51:07.458 Well, I'll just change it back. 1084 00:51:07.541 --> 00:51:10.083 No, you won't, because you'll be dead! 1085 00:51:10.166 --> 00:51:12.000 -[motor sputters] -Huh? 1086 00:51:12.125 --> 00:51:13.041 What? 1087 00:51:13.125 --> 00:51:15.458 Well, maybe after she invents the Internet, 1088 00:51:15.541 --> 00:51:20.125 your friend Edison can invent chainsaws that don't require gasoline. [laughs] 1089 00:51:20.208 --> 00:51:25.458 You sucked the gas out of my arm chainsaws while I was sleeping? 1090 00:51:25.541 --> 00:51:28.958 Jesus Christ, what kind of psychopath are you? 1091 00:51:29.041 --> 00:51:31.375 The worst kind. 1092 00:51:31.875 --> 00:51:33.208 Whatever you take that to mean. 1093 00:51:33.291 --> 00:51:35.208 Take her to the Gettysburg Address. 1094 00:51:35.291 --> 00:51:36.958 -[Martha] George, no! -Martha! 1095 00:51:37.041 --> 00:51:40.583 Oh, my, Georgie, I just realized we woke you up. 1096 00:51:41.166 --> 00:51:44.458 -Please allow us to recompense. -[grunts] 1097 00:51:46.416 --> 00:51:49.458 [Paul] Last night was bad news, human friends. 1098 00:51:49.541 --> 00:51:53.750 Yeah, bad news for the fun police. Eat a dick, Titanic! 1099 00:51:53.833 --> 00:51:56.875 -[laughs] -Right! Yes! Cool, cool, cool. 1100 00:51:56.958 --> 00:52:01.125 And I guess the entire harbor ecosystem can just eat a dick, too, right? 1101 00:52:01.208 --> 00:52:04.583 I mean… Yes, 100%. 1102 00:52:04.666 --> 00:52:08.958 Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! 1103 00:52:09.041 --> 00:52:10.500 -Are you okay? -George! What is it? 1104 00:52:10.583 --> 00:52:12.000 Arnold kidnapped Martha! 1105 00:52:12.083 --> 00:52:14.083 -Oh, no! -It sucks when they steal your wife! 1106 00:52:14.166 --> 00:52:15.250 And she's pregnant! 1107 00:52:15.333 --> 00:52:17.333 -What? -Congratulations, that's a beautiful gift! 1108 00:52:17.416 --> 00:52:19.791 Thanks! I'm sorry this is how I'm telling you, 1109 00:52:19.875 --> 00:52:21.458 but we appreciate your support! 1110 00:52:21.541 --> 00:52:23.458 We're already on waiting lists for preschool. 1111 00:52:23.541 --> 00:52:26.875 Hey, man. Maybe you need to take some time for yourself. 1112 00:52:26.958 --> 00:52:28.916 It's a lot, emotionally. I would know. 1113 00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:31.583 No, that's exactly what I don't need. 1114 00:52:31.666 --> 00:52:34.375 The old George would just party these woes away. 1115 00:52:34.458 --> 00:52:37.833 But not me. This just adds fuel to my fuckin' fire. 1116 00:52:37.916 --> 00:52:39.291 Hell yeah, man! 1117 00:52:39.375 --> 00:52:41.541 Ben said he's keeping her at the Gettysburg Address. 1118 00:52:41.625 --> 00:52:44.791 Which we still don't have. George, I'm sorry to say, 1119 00:52:44.875 --> 00:52:46.958 but we've tried everything to crack this code. 1120 00:52:47.041 --> 00:52:49.208 -Code… -I don't know what else we can do. 1121 00:52:50.208 --> 00:52:52.958 -Code… Oh! Holy shit! -What? 1122 00:52:53.041 --> 00:52:54.416 [George] Not many people know this, 1123 00:52:54.500 --> 00:52:57.666 but Abe wasn't just America's premier celebrity chef. 1124 00:52:57.750 --> 00:53:00.250 He was also its most capable cryptographer. 1125 00:53:00.333 --> 00:53:01.458 Plip-plopipher? 1126 00:53:01.541 --> 00:53:05.250 Cryptographer. You know, someone who crafts and solves codes and ciphers. 1127 00:53:05.333 --> 00:53:06.875 [chuckling] Yeah, a plip-plopipher. 1128 00:53:06.958 --> 00:53:09.958 That's what I said. We're saying the same thing. 1129 00:53:10.041 --> 00:53:13.125 Exactly. Which means that Abe's final edict, 1130 00:53:13.208 --> 00:53:18.291 that I name our freed country America, was itself likely a cipher. 1131 00:53:18.375 --> 00:53:21.791 Hidden within the words of America, my friends, 1132 00:53:21.875 --> 00:53:24.500 is the Gettysburg Address. 1133 00:53:24.583 --> 00:53:26.625 I don't know, seems like kind of a leap. 1134 00:53:26.708 --> 00:53:28.875 But I'll need some time to crack the code. 1135 00:53:28.958 --> 00:53:31.583 In the meantime, someone must run the spoons to Black Smith. 1136 00:53:31.666 --> 00:53:33.375 [all at once] Not it! 1137 00:53:33.458 --> 00:53:36.500 -All right, Chief, that's you. -What the fuck just happened? 1138 00:53:36.583 --> 00:53:39.833 Did I just lose a game that white people didn't explain the rules to? 1139 00:53:39.916 --> 00:53:41.666 I can't carry all the silver. 1140 00:53:41.750 --> 00:53:44.958 -I only got the one arm. -[laughing] And whose fault is that? 1141 00:53:45.041 --> 00:53:47.625 That would be yours. For screwing up Vietnam. 1142 00:53:47.708 --> 00:53:51.250 What are you talking about? We won Vietnam. 1143 00:53:51.333 --> 00:53:55.958 [sighs] Actually, if it gives me some time away from you, yeah, I'll do it. 1144 00:53:56.041 --> 00:53:59.666 -You are a good man, Chief Geronimo. -[Geronimo] Just Geronimo. 1145 00:53:59.750 --> 00:54:01.125 The rest of you, come with me. 1146 00:54:01.208 --> 00:54:03.916 I know the perfect place to work on Abe's cipher. 1147 00:54:08.583 --> 00:54:10.333 Ugh, come on. 1148 00:54:15.166 --> 00:54:17.083 [King James] You left Washington alive. 1149 00:54:17.166 --> 00:54:20.458 [Benedict] Uh, yes, a calculated risk, my liege. 1150 00:54:20.541 --> 00:54:22.291 Instead of trimming one thorn, 1151 00:54:22.375 --> 00:54:25.916 we may soon be in position to wipe out the whole damn bush. 1152 00:54:27.666 --> 00:54:29.666 [King James] And kidnapping his wife? 1153 00:54:29.750 --> 00:54:32.250 You're not worried that will motivate him? 1154 00:54:32.333 --> 00:54:34.375 Oh, I'm counting on it. 1155 00:54:34.458 --> 00:54:38.250 Still, we should expedite my… Your plan. 1156 00:54:38.333 --> 00:54:41.500 Very well. Send me the head engineer. 1157 00:54:43.708 --> 00:54:45.458 You wanted to see me, Your Majesty? 1158 00:54:45.541 --> 00:54:48.250 There's been a slight change of plan. 1159 00:54:48.333 --> 00:54:51.791 We'll need my weapon operational sooner than anticipated. 1160 00:54:51.875 --> 00:54:53.500 How much sooner, Your Majesty? 1161 00:54:53.583 --> 00:54:55.166 You tell me. 1162 00:54:55.250 --> 00:54:56.916 If we work around the clock, 1163 00:54:57.000 --> 00:54:59.041 we could probably have it ready in three weeks? 1164 00:55:02.625 --> 00:55:05.416 -[gulps] -[whistle blows] 1165 00:55:05.500 --> 00:55:08.958 Please, Your Majesty, Your Highness. I can do it faster. 1166 00:55:12.166 --> 00:55:14.291 Ah, thank God. 1167 00:55:16.166 --> 00:55:18.625 -[gasps] -[shrieks] 1168 00:55:19.958 --> 00:55:21.125 My foot! 1169 00:55:21.208 --> 00:55:22.625 Most impressive. 1170 00:55:22.708 --> 00:55:24.916 [screams] 1171 00:55:25.000 --> 00:55:27.666 Manchester, come to Daddy. 1172 00:55:27.750 --> 00:55:29.541 Oh, look at the good boy. 1173 00:55:29.666 --> 00:55:32.416 Oh, look, you have a little engineer on your face. 1174 00:55:32.500 --> 00:55:34.250 Well, I guess I do, too, now. 1175 00:55:34.333 --> 00:55:37.291 Don't I? Don't I? Yes! 1176 00:55:37.375 --> 00:55:39.208 -[kisses] -Uh, okay. 1177 00:55:39.291 --> 00:55:42.083 I'll have Engineering redouble their efforts. 1178 00:55:42.166 --> 00:55:44.125 See that you do, Arnold. 1179 00:55:44.208 --> 00:55:46.541 Whether or not you succeed with your plan, 1180 00:55:46.625 --> 00:55:48.875 and in case it wasn't clear, I'm not holding my breath, 1181 00:55:48.958 --> 00:55:51.041 Washington is now marching inexorably 1182 00:55:51.125 --> 00:55:54.083 into the gnashing maw of the most diabolical war machine 1183 00:55:54.166 --> 00:55:55.666 the world has ever known. 1184 00:55:55.750 --> 00:55:58.458 And he doesn't even see it coming. 1185 00:55:58.541 --> 00:56:02.125 -[laughs maniacally] -Yes. They never do. 1186 00:56:04.166 --> 00:56:08.208 Uh, George? I thought you said you had a safe place to work. 1187 00:56:08.291 --> 00:56:10.833 -What? This looks good to me. -Thank you, Paul. 1188 00:56:10.916 --> 00:56:14.291 But this isn't the place I had in mind. That is. 1189 00:56:14.375 --> 00:56:16.541 -[all exclaim] -[Paul] It got even better! 1190 00:56:18.583 --> 00:56:20.625 [George] Abe, I'm home. 1191 00:56:21.416 --> 00:56:24.291 -[hisses] -[exclaims] Pardon me, ma'am. 1192 00:56:27.958 --> 00:56:31.375 Oh, my gord, horse toys! Whee! 1193 00:56:41.250 --> 00:56:42.541 George? 1194 00:56:42.625 --> 00:56:44.416 -George, are you okay, buddy? -[sniffles] 1195 00:56:44.500 --> 00:56:45.833 Yes, I am. 1196 00:56:45.916 --> 00:56:48.666 But I need to be one with Abe now. 1197 00:56:48.750 --> 00:56:52.541 I have to get inside of his head if I hope to crack this code. 1198 00:56:53.833 --> 00:56:55.000 Okay. 1199 00:56:56.958 --> 00:56:57.875 Come on, come on! 1200 00:56:59.625 --> 00:57:01.166 Confirm! Please confirm! 1201 00:57:01.750 --> 00:57:03.000 We are cruisin'! 1202 00:57:03.833 --> 00:57:05.625 Oh, yeah! [chuckles] 1203 00:57:08.125 --> 00:57:10.750 Next and next. Next. Too easy. 1204 00:57:10.833 --> 00:57:14.333 No, no, don't. No, no. Yes! Reset 30%, please! 1205 00:57:14.416 --> 00:57:16.000 Fuck no! I'm fucked. 1206 00:57:16.333 --> 00:57:17.208 No, fuck! 1207 00:57:19.083 --> 00:57:21.375 I am rusty, rusty. 1208 00:57:21.458 --> 00:57:24.333 Okay, at the hands of this guy is you. 1209 00:57:25.125 --> 00:57:26.250 Eternal destruction. 1210 00:57:27.541 --> 00:57:29.041 Quick, quick, quick! Thank you. 1211 00:57:29.125 --> 00:57:30.958 Return. Return. Yes! 1212 00:57:31.041 --> 00:57:33.208 Three, two, one. Go! 1213 00:57:33.291 --> 00:57:34.500 Come on. Yeah! 1214 00:57:35.291 --> 00:57:37.000 Whoo! Yeah! 1215 00:57:37.083 --> 00:57:38.458 You've been hacked, bro! 1216 00:57:42.083 --> 00:57:45.000 So, what are you going to do when this is all over, huh? 1217 00:57:45.083 --> 00:57:46.458 You got family somewhere? 1218 00:57:46.541 --> 00:57:47.750 Clyde is my family. 1219 00:57:47.833 --> 00:57:51.416 No, I know, but like, you know, people family, friends? 1220 00:57:51.500 --> 00:57:53.000 That's why I'm doing this. 1221 00:57:53.083 --> 00:57:57.541 You started a war against the most powerful country on Earth to make friends? 1222 00:57:57.625 --> 00:58:00.541 Yes. Yes, I did. I never had people friends. 1223 00:58:00.625 --> 00:58:02.541 Oh, Paul. You have one now. 1224 00:58:02.625 --> 00:58:04.666 Thank you. Why do you wanna make war? 1225 00:58:04.750 --> 00:58:07.916 They're mean to you and they disrespect you, like a mule. 1226 00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:09.916 Well, George means well. 1227 00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:12.083 Sam disrespects me, but he's an idiot. 1228 00:58:12.166 --> 00:58:15.666 Listen, lions don't concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. 1229 00:58:15.750 --> 00:58:20.000 Well, I'm friends with a lot of sheep and, boy, are they opinionated. 1230 00:58:20.083 --> 00:58:22.500 -Oh, I just meant-- -[mimics sheep bleating] 1231 00:58:22.583 --> 00:58:23.625 That's how sheep talk. 1232 00:58:23.708 --> 00:58:27.125 Look, I'm doing this because I want science for everyone. 1233 00:58:27.208 --> 00:58:30.791 Without fear of punishment or persecution or even judgment. 1234 00:58:30.875 --> 00:58:33.375 Problem is, the rich white assholes that run the joint 1235 00:58:33.458 --> 00:58:36.000 keep telling everyone that science isn't real. 1236 00:58:36.083 --> 00:58:38.375 So, I'm gonna show 'em. 1237 00:58:38.458 --> 00:58:41.708 I'm gonna show the whole damn world that science is real. 1238 00:58:41.791 --> 00:58:43.208 How are you gonna do that? 1239 00:58:43.291 --> 00:58:45.666 By using it to do something that no one can ignore. 1240 00:58:45.750 --> 00:58:50.083 -I'm going to use science to win a war. -Oh! 1241 00:58:50.166 --> 00:58:51.750 I don't know how I'm gonna do it yet. 1242 00:58:51.833 --> 00:58:56.125 But all it takes is one great invention deployed at the perfect time, 1243 00:58:56.208 --> 00:58:59.083 and then, the whole world will yell at once-- 1244 00:58:59.166 --> 00:59:01.958 -[door slams open] -Eur-goddamn-reka! 1245 00:59:02.500 --> 00:59:05.916 …at which point, I was reminded of one of Abe's favorite exploits. 1246 00:59:06.000 --> 00:59:08.958 After a reverse hash, I backdoored the root password. 1247 00:59:09.041 --> 00:59:11.250 A base checksum against the main data store 1248 00:59:11.333 --> 00:59:13.208 allowed me to retrieve the salted hash, 1249 00:59:13.291 --> 00:59:16.291 and then, from there, I was gleaming the cube. 1250 00:59:16.375 --> 00:59:18.125 George, this is amazing! 1251 00:59:18.208 --> 00:59:19.666 You haven't even heard the kicker. 1252 00:59:19.750 --> 00:59:22.458 When I extrapolated through a dual node minimum spanning tree, 1253 00:59:22.541 --> 00:59:25.125 the cipher's definition revealed itself. 1254 00:59:25.208 --> 00:59:27.791 "A" is the first letter of the alphabet, 1255 00:59:27.875 --> 00:59:31.541 which means it is letter number one. 1256 00:59:31.625 --> 00:59:33.791 Therefore, "A" equals one. 1257 00:59:33.875 --> 00:59:36.125 -Yeah, I understand all of this. -Oh! 1258 00:59:36.208 --> 00:59:38.958 And if "A" equals one, then-- 1259 00:59:39.041 --> 00:59:41.375 -You've got to be kidding me! -Both of us. 1260 00:59:41.458 --> 00:59:45.083 I am not. America equals "1 Merica." 1261 00:59:45.166 --> 00:59:48.125 Now, does that word "Merica" ring a bell to any of you? 1262 00:59:48.208 --> 00:59:50.500 Oh! Oh! I know! Fuck, I lost it. 1263 00:59:50.583 --> 00:59:52.208 Ooh, no. Does it start with a one? 1264 00:59:52.291 --> 00:59:54.000 Maybe this will jog your memory. 1265 00:59:54.083 --> 00:59:57.083 This is ten times magnification. 1266 00:59:57.166 --> 00:59:59.083 Oh, my God. 1267 00:59:59.166 --> 01:00:04.208 [George] Gentlemen, lady, I give you the Gettysburg Address. 1268 01:00:04.791 --> 01:00:05.666 [Samuel] Oof! 1269 01:00:05.750 --> 01:00:10.333 Oh. I guess we… I guess we should've scouted the area, right, guys? 1270 01:00:10.416 --> 01:00:14.041 But then we wouldn't have had George's awesome code-cracking scene, right? 1271 01:00:14.125 --> 01:00:16.083 Really? You thought that was awesome? 1272 01:00:16.166 --> 01:00:18.250 It wasn't, you know, too indulgent? 1273 01:00:18.333 --> 01:00:21.083 No way, dude. Totally realistic. 1274 01:00:21.166 --> 01:00:22.541 And entirely too short. 1275 01:00:22.625 --> 01:00:25.375 Guys, you have got to see this. Look. 1276 01:00:25.458 --> 01:00:26.750 Whoa! 1277 01:00:26.833 --> 01:00:27.875 [Samuel] What do you see? 1278 01:00:27.958 --> 01:00:30.208 [George] Redcoats standing around a table. 1279 01:00:30.291 --> 01:00:33.583 And there's only one reason grown men would stand around a table. 1280 01:00:33.666 --> 01:00:35.208 -To jerk off. -To plot-- What? 1281 01:00:35.291 --> 01:00:39.041 -To plot. -Exactly. The meeting's already underway. 1282 01:00:39.125 --> 01:00:40.833 Then we haven't a moment to lose. 1283 01:00:40.916 --> 01:00:43.958 George, wait. We don't have the silver bullet yet. 1284 01:00:44.041 --> 01:00:46.458 -We need it to kill Arnold. -Damn it! That's right. 1285 01:00:46.541 --> 01:00:48.708 Where the hell are those guys with our silver bullet? 1286 01:00:50.625 --> 01:00:52.958 [hip-hop music playing] 1287 01:00:54.250 --> 01:00:56.958 ...and then the big dumb one says, "We won Vietnam." 1288 01:00:57.041 --> 01:00:58.625 [laughs] 1289 01:00:58.708 --> 01:01:04.916 Can you imagine being so used to winning at everything for your whole life, 1290 01:01:05.000 --> 01:01:07.166 that even when you lose, your brain's just like, 1291 01:01:07.250 --> 01:01:10.541 "Yo, we must've won that shit, right?" 1292 01:01:10.625 --> 01:01:13.083 That's the definition of privilege, right there. 1293 01:01:13.166 --> 01:01:16.666 Oh, I've tried to tell them that so many times, 1294 01:01:16.750 --> 01:01:18.583 but they don't even hear me. 1295 01:01:18.666 --> 01:01:20.250 You wanna get through to them, 1296 01:01:20.333 --> 01:01:23.166 you'd have to put your message in like, I don't know, 1297 01:01:23.250 --> 01:01:26.583 the dumbest thing possible, like a cartoon or something. 1298 01:01:27.833 --> 01:01:30.708 Hey, so how much longer on this silver bullet? 1299 01:01:30.791 --> 01:01:33.041 -Man, that shit been done for hours. -What? 1300 01:01:33.125 --> 01:01:34.583 [both laugh] 1301 01:01:36.250 --> 01:01:37.375 Oh, yeah. 1302 01:01:38.083 --> 01:01:39.750 I can't wait any longer. 1303 01:01:39.833 --> 01:01:42.000 I have to rescue my wife and unborn child. 1304 01:01:42.083 --> 01:01:44.041 If that baby-eating bastard is in there-- 1305 01:01:44.125 --> 01:01:47.041 Oh, my God! He threatened to eat your unborn baby? 1306 01:01:47.125 --> 01:01:50.666 No, no, no. I mean, not literally. But, look, he's very evil, Edison. 1307 01:01:50.750 --> 01:01:52.958 I mean, come on. Are we splittin' hairs here? 1308 01:01:53.041 --> 01:01:55.458 George, without that silver bullet, we'll all be dinner. 1309 01:01:55.541 --> 01:01:59.416 I know, okay? Look, guys, I don't expect you to go in there. 1310 01:01:59.500 --> 01:02:01.583 It's suicide, but I have to. 1311 01:02:01.666 --> 01:02:03.625 George, we're a team. 1312 01:02:03.708 --> 01:02:06.125 If there's even a chance we can save your family, 1313 01:02:06.208 --> 01:02:07.833 we have to take it. Right, guys? 1314 01:02:07.916 --> 01:02:11.333 -Plus, I just heard he eats babies! -Oh, no! 1315 01:02:11.416 --> 01:02:13.166 -Sam, no! -I knew it! 1316 01:02:13.250 --> 01:02:16.333 There's no time to lose. Come on. Let's get our sneak on. 1317 01:02:29.875 --> 01:02:31.291 [softly] Science. 1318 01:02:33.166 --> 01:02:36.125 Uh-huh. The door's not locked. 1319 01:02:36.208 --> 01:02:39.250 It didn't need to be. Laser beams. 1320 01:02:39.333 --> 01:02:41.541 Hope you boys are limbered up. 1321 01:02:42.125 --> 01:02:46.833 Easy. Easy, does it. Easy, Daddy. Oh, easy. 1322 01:02:46.916 --> 01:02:48.750 [grunts] 1323 01:02:48.833 --> 01:02:51.916 Uh, guys, this is just yarn. 1324 01:02:53.750 --> 01:02:55.708 I'm creeping very quietly. 1325 01:02:59.625 --> 01:03:01.125 Don't you move, bad guy! 1326 01:03:03.083 --> 01:03:04.333 [laughs] 1327 01:03:04.416 --> 01:03:07.041 Look at him go! That's great! 1328 01:03:11.958 --> 01:03:14.250 Ha-ha! What the shit? 1329 01:03:14.333 --> 01:03:17.750 Who fucking drew this? This is completely unrealistic. 1330 01:03:17.833 --> 01:03:20.458 -[man 1 over speaker] Pip-Pip, cheerio. -[man 2] Bob's your uncle. 1331 01:03:20.541 --> 01:03:22.375 -[man 1] Ello, guv! -[man 3] Bangers and mash. 1332 01:03:24.958 --> 01:03:26.958 [man 3] Enslave the Irish! [laughs] 1333 01:03:27.666 --> 01:03:29.250 That bastard set us up. 1334 01:03:29.916 --> 01:03:31.250 Martha! 1335 01:03:32.875 --> 01:03:35.083 -Martha! -George, wait! It's a… trap. 1336 01:03:35.166 --> 01:03:36.458 Yep, shit. 1337 01:03:37.250 --> 01:03:40.166 -What did they do to your wife? -Paul, that's not Martha. 1338 01:03:40.250 --> 01:03:42.125 It's a hyper-thermobaric bomb. 1339 01:03:42.208 --> 01:03:45.625 My hand blasters should interrupt the current to the triggering mechanism. 1340 01:03:45.708 --> 01:03:46.958 [whispers] Science. 1341 01:03:47.041 --> 01:03:49.000 -[beeping] -Oh, what? 1342 01:03:49.083 --> 01:03:51.125 Witch, that was your one chance 1343 01:03:51.208 --> 01:03:53.958 and your beloved science totally fucked us! 1344 01:03:54.041 --> 01:03:56.375 I don't understand. I used science. 1345 01:03:56.458 --> 01:03:59.541 We're outta time. I have to get this as far away as possible. 1346 01:03:59.625 --> 01:04:01.000 It's up to you guys now. 1347 01:04:01.083 --> 01:04:03.666 Save Martha! Save America! 1348 01:04:03.750 --> 01:04:06.041 No, you save her yourself, George. 1349 01:04:06.125 --> 01:04:08.208 This is a job for a racist. 1350 01:04:08.291 --> 01:04:10.958 The fastest racist in the colonies. 1351 01:04:11.583 --> 01:04:12.958 Goodbye, people friends! 1352 01:04:14.791 --> 01:04:15.875 -[neighs] -Yah! 1353 01:04:15.958 --> 01:04:18.375 Go, Clyde! Fast as the wind! 1354 01:04:22.458 --> 01:04:24.541 Hey, compadre, vamanos! 1355 01:04:24.625 --> 01:04:26.166 Clyde, what are you talking about? 1356 01:04:26.250 --> 01:04:29.458 Clyde can get a lot further away without Pablo's added weight. 1357 01:04:29.541 --> 01:04:31.458 No! But Clyde is Paul's only friend! 1358 01:04:31.541 --> 01:04:35.333 -No, Pablo has human friends now. -But, Clyde-- 1359 01:04:35.416 --> 01:04:37.833 Go! Git! [neighs] 1360 01:04:38.666 --> 01:04:39.750 Don't you see? 1361 01:04:40.333 --> 01:04:43.375 -Clyde doesn't want Pablo around anymore. -What? 1362 01:04:43.458 --> 01:04:46.083 -Git! Damn it, Pablo, git! -Clyde, no! 1363 01:04:46.166 --> 01:04:49.333 -Get away! -Clyde, why would you say that? No! 1364 01:04:49.416 --> 01:04:51.291 [crying] Clyde, please! 1365 01:04:51.875 --> 01:04:54.708 Clyde! 1366 01:04:57.583 --> 01:05:00.708 Oh, I guess that big idiot really cared about us. 1367 01:05:00.791 --> 01:05:02.416 Yeah, he really did. 1368 01:05:04.375 --> 01:05:05.541 [laughing maniacally] 1369 01:05:05.625 --> 01:05:08.250 [George] King James, we meet at last. 1370 01:05:08.333 --> 01:05:11.500 Yes, yes. Kudos, Washington. 1371 01:05:11.583 --> 01:05:16.166 I see that you managed to evade the trap your old friend Benedict laid for you. 1372 01:05:16.250 --> 01:05:17.541 Evade this, butter teeth! 1373 01:05:18.125 --> 01:05:19.333 Sam, you're not gonna… 1374 01:05:19.416 --> 01:05:21.166 -[laughing] -[Thomas] It's a hologram. 1375 01:05:21.250 --> 01:05:22.916 Where's my wife, you bastard? 1376 01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:27.166 I believe you mean… Where is your future queen? 1377 01:05:27.250 --> 01:05:28.250 Never! 1378 01:05:28.333 --> 01:05:29.875 Oh, you'll come round. 1379 01:05:29.958 --> 01:05:30.791 Martha! 1380 01:05:31.500 --> 01:05:35.000 If you lay even one of your sausage fingers on her, 1381 01:05:35.083 --> 01:05:36.750 I'll rip your fucking dick off! 1382 01:05:36.833 --> 01:05:38.750 You better make it quick, George, 1383 01:05:38.833 --> 01:05:42.041 because we're about to become very well acquainted. 1384 01:05:42.125 --> 01:05:44.416 No more repartee, James. 1385 01:05:44.500 --> 01:05:45.750 No more games! 1386 01:05:45.833 --> 01:05:48.541 I want you face-to-face. 1387 01:05:48.625 --> 01:05:51.250 Hmm. What did you have in mind? 1388 01:05:51.333 --> 01:05:52.458 Tomorrow. 1389 01:05:52.541 --> 01:05:54.708 For all the fucking marbles. 1390 01:05:54.791 --> 01:05:56.708 My squad. Your squad! 1391 01:05:56.791 --> 01:06:01.166 You mean, your squad and my giant fuck-off army! 1392 01:06:01.250 --> 01:06:04.166 Bring me every Redcoat alive for all I care. 1393 01:06:04.250 --> 01:06:06.458 I'll bring extra gas for my chainsaws. 1394 01:06:06.541 --> 01:06:09.583 I accept. Tomorrow morning. Attrition Field. 1395 01:06:09.666 --> 01:06:11.916 Eight o'clock, sharp. Don't be late. 1396 01:06:12.666 --> 01:06:14.875 [Paul yelling] Clyde! 1397 01:06:14.958 --> 01:06:16.416 [sobbing] 1398 01:06:17.708 --> 01:06:19.541 Hmm. He gonna be okay? 1399 01:06:19.625 --> 01:06:23.083 You sacrificed Clyde… to save us? 1400 01:06:23.166 --> 01:06:25.000 Clyde sacrificed himself. 1401 01:06:25.083 --> 01:06:27.208 I love my new people friends, 1402 01:06:27.291 --> 01:06:29.500 but I loved Clyde, too! 1403 01:06:30.750 --> 01:06:32.791 He was my brother! 1404 01:06:34.291 --> 01:06:36.583 There's gotta be something we can do. 1405 01:06:36.666 --> 01:06:39.125 Well, I'm in a book club with Clara Barton. 1406 01:06:40.458 --> 01:06:43.333 [scoffs] The groundbreaking medical practitioner? 1407 01:06:44.833 --> 01:06:46.625 His name's Clara? 1408 01:06:47.208 --> 01:06:48.958 [Clara] I think I can save him. 1409 01:06:49.041 --> 01:06:52.791 But it will require the full breadth of my cybernetic research to do so. 1410 01:06:52.875 --> 01:06:54.666 -Meaning? -Meaning when I'm done… 1411 01:06:54.750 --> 01:06:57.000 He'll be more machine than animal. 1412 01:06:57.083 --> 01:06:58.333 And there's also a chance 1413 01:06:58.416 --> 01:07:01.958 that at some point in the distant future, he'll rise up against us and-- 1414 01:07:02.041 --> 01:07:04.708 The horse owes me three bucks, so do what you gotta do, Doc. 1415 01:07:04.791 --> 01:07:08.083 It's a long shot. My nanotechnology is advanced, 1416 01:07:08.166 --> 01:07:10.916 but there's really just no substitute for living tissue. 1417 01:07:11.000 --> 01:07:13.750 Go. I need to be alone with Clyde. 1418 01:07:13.833 --> 01:07:15.375 Okay, Paul. Okay. 1419 01:07:15.458 --> 01:07:17.125 [Paul sobs] 1420 01:07:22.375 --> 01:07:23.541 [munching loudly] 1421 01:07:28.000 --> 01:07:30.416 Say what you will about these colonists, 1422 01:07:30.500 --> 01:07:33.333 but frying a chicken and putting it in a bucket, 1423 01:07:33.416 --> 01:07:35.041 that's a solid idea. 1424 01:07:36.833 --> 01:07:38.500 Aren't you thirsty, my queen? 1425 01:07:38.583 --> 01:07:41.333 I'll never drink your over-taxed tea, James. 1426 01:07:41.416 --> 01:07:44.875 You'll feel much more agreeable after a relaxing soak. 1427 01:07:44.958 --> 01:07:47.708 Arnold, has milady's bath been drawn? 1428 01:07:47.791 --> 01:07:50.625 Yes, my liege. Earl Grey, hot. 1429 01:07:50.708 --> 01:07:52.083 Excellent! 1430 01:07:52.166 --> 01:07:55.916 Oh! [laughing] Look at this, it's a double-stuffed pizza crust. 1431 01:07:56.000 --> 01:07:59.208 Just… I mean, do the maths, Arnold. It's impossible. 1432 01:08:03.958 --> 01:08:04.833 [gags] 1433 01:08:04.916 --> 01:08:05.833 Did you want some? 1434 01:08:05.916 --> 01:08:07.666 Enjoy it while you can, James. 1435 01:08:07.750 --> 01:08:10.333 Before my husband rips your fucking dick off! 1436 01:08:10.416 --> 01:08:14.916 My dear, now that my Ultimate Doomsday Machine is complete, 1437 01:08:15.000 --> 01:08:18.958 your husband and his band of traitorous ne'er-do-wells 1438 01:08:19.041 --> 01:08:21.500 will soon be ripping their own dicks off. 1439 01:08:21.583 --> 01:08:23.333 [laughs maniacally] 1440 01:08:23.416 --> 01:08:26.666 -[scoffs] Why would they do that? -Do what? 1441 01:08:26.750 --> 01:08:28.416 Rip their own dicks off? 1442 01:08:28.500 --> 01:08:31.375 Because! That's why! [laughs maniacally] 1443 01:08:32.083 --> 01:08:33.958 Is he a cookie or is he a puss? 1444 01:08:34.041 --> 01:08:37.625 You know what? I don't care. He's my new best friend, that's who he is. 1445 01:08:37.708 --> 01:08:38.708 [hesitates] 1446 01:08:38.791 --> 01:08:43.125 Yes, my king, there is so much this bountiful new land has to offer. 1447 01:08:43.208 --> 01:08:46.791 Yes. And which corner of my new kingdom 1448 01:08:46.875 --> 01:08:48.833 will you choose to rule, I wonder? 1449 01:08:48.916 --> 01:08:49.750 [gasps] Oh! 1450 01:08:49.833 --> 01:08:53.666 Why don't you take a Dakota? Hell, take both. 1451 01:08:53.750 --> 01:08:58.041 Why don't I take the whole thing? [laughs] 1452 01:08:59.125 --> 01:09:00.416 But why? 1453 01:09:00.500 --> 01:09:04.083 Because, you double-stuffed buffoon, why would I want to eat a slice… 1454 01:09:04.166 --> 01:09:05.375 Oh, my God! 1455 01:09:05.458 --> 01:09:08.666 …when I can eat the whole a-pizza pie? 1456 01:09:11.208 --> 01:09:12.333 [munching loudly] 1457 01:09:13.916 --> 01:09:17.708 Finally, freedom has a birthday. Tomorrow. 1458 01:09:19.083 --> 01:09:20.500 So, go home. 1459 01:09:20.583 --> 01:09:22.208 Go home to your friends, 1460 01:09:22.791 --> 01:09:25.500 to your families, to your loved ones. 1461 01:09:26.416 --> 01:09:28.833 And then, ready your arsenals. 1462 01:09:28.916 --> 01:09:31.250 Bring not the weapons you would use to topple men, 1463 01:09:31.958 --> 01:09:36.041 but the weapons that you would use to topple armies. 1464 01:09:36.875 --> 01:09:39.458 The weapons you would use to topple nations. 1465 01:09:40.041 --> 01:09:43.458 For tomorrow, our revolution dies 1466 01:09:43.541 --> 01:09:46.125 and America is born. 1467 01:09:48.666 --> 01:09:50.250 Guide me, old friend. 1468 01:09:50.750 --> 01:09:52.166 Show me the way. 1469 01:09:53.833 --> 01:09:57.250 [Abe] George, I wish I had a million friends like you! 1470 01:09:57.333 --> 01:09:58.791 …a million friends… 1471 01:09:58.875 --> 01:10:01.625 Abe, you forward-thinking son of bitch! 1472 01:10:01.708 --> 01:10:05.083 But we're still gonna need a lot of firepower. 1473 01:10:08.541 --> 01:10:12.291 [man] Well, hey, welcome to Y'all Mart. How can I help you? 1474 01:10:12.375 --> 01:10:14.041 Oh, hey, how's it goin'? I need guns. 1475 01:10:14.125 --> 01:10:15.875 Well, bless your heart. 1476 01:10:15.958 --> 01:10:18.875 And did you have any particular type in mind? 1477 01:10:18.958 --> 01:10:22.791 Um, whatever the firearm equivalent of a massive overreaction would be. 1478 01:10:22.875 --> 01:10:24.666 Like, for every bullet fired at me, 1479 01:10:24.750 --> 01:10:26.958 I'd want to be able to fire several hundred in return. 1480 01:10:27.041 --> 01:10:31.166 Oh, I see. And what do you plan on using them for? 1481 01:10:32.875 --> 01:10:34.208 -Hunting? -Perfect! 1482 01:10:34.291 --> 01:10:36.208 I can definitely help you with that. 1483 01:10:36.291 --> 01:10:38.250 Now, we do have a waiting period. 1484 01:10:38.958 --> 01:10:42.041 And it's over. Let's get you heavily armed, big fella. 1485 01:10:42.125 --> 01:10:45.416 Fantastic! Say, aren't you Mr. Kinko's boy? 1486 01:10:45.500 --> 01:10:49.583 Yes, sir. Frederick Xavier Kinko. Nice to meet ya. 1487 01:10:49.666 --> 01:10:52.333 Well, Fred X. Kinko, that's convenient. 1488 01:10:52.416 --> 01:10:54.166 I'm also looking for a photocopier. 1489 01:10:54.250 --> 01:10:56.041 The best in the colonies. 1490 01:11:04.458 --> 01:11:05.541 Were you able to sleep? 1491 01:11:05.625 --> 01:11:06.791 -Yeah. -Slept like a log. 1492 01:11:06.875 --> 01:11:10.500 Neither was I. No matter, we'll all sleep soon enough… 1493 01:11:10.583 --> 01:11:12.916 in the beds of vanquished kings. 1494 01:11:13.000 --> 01:11:16.375 Wow, that was beautiful phrasing. You're gettin' pretty good at this. 1495 01:11:16.458 --> 01:11:18.375 You like that? Really? Check this out. 1496 01:11:18.458 --> 01:11:21.166 Teamwork, it makes the dream work. 1497 01:11:21.250 --> 01:11:23.625 Whoa! He's right. It does. 1498 01:11:23.708 --> 01:11:26.375 Okay, that, right there, that's leadership. 1499 01:11:26.458 --> 01:11:30.416 Thanks, guys. Look, man, I gotta say, I'm feeling pretty confident. 1500 01:11:30.500 --> 01:11:32.916 Maybe things are going to work out after all. 1501 01:11:33.000 --> 01:11:36.875 -Holy shit. -Fuck me. 1502 01:11:52.583 --> 01:11:55.000 [trumpets] 1503 01:12:04.000 --> 01:12:05.125 [clock chimes] 1504 01:12:06.250 --> 01:12:08.250 [mechanisms whirring] 1505 01:12:10.291 --> 01:12:11.375 [growls] 1506 01:12:13.500 --> 01:12:16.958 All right. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. 1507 01:12:17.583 --> 01:12:20.833 Three against ten thousand? That's pretty bad odds. 1508 01:12:21.416 --> 01:12:23.791 -For us. -Well, we have the high ground. 1509 01:12:23.875 --> 01:12:25.916 You have more than the high ground. 1510 01:12:26.000 --> 01:12:28.625 Geronimo! Blacksmith! We thought you deserted. 1511 01:12:28.708 --> 01:12:33.000 Thought about it, like, really hard, then started going in the other direction. 1512 01:12:33.083 --> 01:12:35.958 Even booked an Air T&P on the opposite side of town. 1513 01:12:36.041 --> 01:12:38.375 But despite my better judgment, 1514 01:12:38.458 --> 01:12:40.791 I ate the deposit and decided to come. 1515 01:12:41.333 --> 01:12:43.166 Because this is my land 1516 01:12:43.250 --> 01:12:46.333 and I don't need anybody's permission to defend it. 1517 01:12:46.416 --> 01:12:49.000 And Mr. Smith, you'll join the fight as well? 1518 01:12:49.083 --> 01:12:51.708 I figured, if we're gonna end up with an old white dude in charge, 1519 01:12:51.791 --> 01:12:54.291 we could do a hell of a lot worse than you, George Washington. 1520 01:12:54.375 --> 01:12:56.125 You're one of the good-ish ones. 1521 01:12:57.125 --> 01:12:59.500 All that silver… for one bullet. 1522 01:12:59.583 --> 01:13:01.708 Yeah, so you better make it count. 1523 01:13:01.791 --> 01:13:04.291 We will, and we'll do it in style. 1524 01:13:04.375 --> 01:13:05.250 [Samuel] Yeah. 1525 01:13:05.333 --> 01:13:08.166 I commissioned Betsy Ross and Tim Gunn to make these last night. 1526 01:13:08.250 --> 01:13:10.291 Tim Gunn? Sounds like a badass. 1527 01:13:10.375 --> 01:13:14.750 My dream, as silly as it seems now, was that after our victory today, 1528 01:13:14.833 --> 01:13:17.250 this design would become a national symbol. 1529 01:13:17.333 --> 01:13:19.583 The first ever American flag. 1530 01:13:19.666 --> 01:13:23.666 -A symbol of our indomitable spirit. -Of our thirst for knowledge! 1531 01:13:23.750 --> 01:13:26.250 Of our tireless quest to kick ass! 1532 01:13:26.333 --> 01:13:28.583 And, and! I'm just spitballing here, 1533 01:13:28.666 --> 01:13:31.333 but maybe this style of blouse will become the uniform 1534 01:13:31.416 --> 01:13:34.291 of the first ever American national pastime. 1535 01:13:34.375 --> 01:13:37.375 It'll be like cricket, but with actual rules. 1536 01:13:37.458 --> 01:13:40.208 And you won't even have to be athletic to participate. 1537 01:13:40.291 --> 01:13:43.000 -Or have two arms. -And women can play, too. 1538 01:13:43.083 --> 01:13:45.166 You know, don't… Let's not get sidetracked. 1539 01:13:45.250 --> 01:13:46.500 Hark, the national bird! 1540 01:13:46.583 --> 01:13:48.416 [Geronimo] You took everything else. 1541 01:13:48.500 --> 01:13:51.333 You know what we need now? A national song. 1542 01:13:51.416 --> 01:13:52.958 I believe you mean… 1543 01:13:56.333 --> 01:13:58.291 a national anthem. 1544 01:13:58.375 --> 01:13:59.541 [eagle screeches] 1545 01:14:08.541 --> 01:14:14.958 ♪ If I leave here tomorrow ♪ 1546 01:14:16.750 --> 01:14:21.166 ♪ Would you still remember me? ♪ 1547 01:14:24.416 --> 01:14:31.250 ♪ For I must be traveling on now ♪ 1548 01:14:32.750 --> 01:14:36.916 ♪ 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see ♪ 1549 01:14:41.125 --> 01:14:47.125 ♪ 'Cause I'm as free as a bird now ♪ 1550 01:14:49.208 --> 01:14:54.166 [crowd joins in] ♪ And this bird you cannot change ♪ 1551 01:14:54.833 --> 01:14:56.375 [vocalizing] 1552 01:14:57.125 --> 01:15:03.458 [all] ♪ Lord help me, I can't change ♪ 1553 01:15:12.041 --> 01:15:13.541 -[thunder rumbling] -[growling] 1554 01:15:14.833 --> 01:15:17.291 [Thomas] This is so beautiful, George! 1555 01:15:18.458 --> 01:15:20.958 [George] I know, it rocks, right? I wrote it last night. 1556 01:15:21.041 --> 01:15:22.708 I'm gonna request that song 1557 01:15:22.791 --> 01:15:26.666 at every party from now until the end of time. 1558 01:15:26.750 --> 01:15:28.500 No. No, not the song. 1559 01:15:29.125 --> 01:15:30.875 The Americans! 1560 01:15:30.958 --> 01:15:33.458 [gasps] They came. It worked! 1561 01:15:33.541 --> 01:15:34.625 What worked, G-Dub? 1562 01:15:34.708 --> 01:15:36.750 I found an old note from Abe last night. 1563 01:15:36.833 --> 01:15:39.875 And he said he wished he had a million friends like me. 1564 01:15:39.958 --> 01:15:43.916 And that's when I realized, I can have a million friends. 1565 01:15:44.000 --> 01:15:45.000 [all cheering] 1566 01:15:45.083 --> 01:15:51.166 Oh! Why settle for 20 bros when you could have a million, 1567 01:15:51.250 --> 01:15:52.666 no matter how different they look. 1568 01:15:52.750 --> 01:15:55.791 Exactly! Sam, that's the American way! 1569 01:15:55.875 --> 01:15:57.791 Hey, guys. Did ya hear? 1570 01:15:57.875 --> 01:16:01.250 I'm not racist anymore! I'm doin' it! 1571 01:16:01.333 --> 01:16:02.250 Super. 1572 01:16:02.333 --> 01:16:04.333 George, how did you do this? 1573 01:16:04.416 --> 01:16:06.500 How did you reach this many people overnight? 1574 01:16:06.583 --> 01:16:10.916 I remembered something one of my friends told me about flyers. 1575 01:16:11.583 --> 01:16:14.666 They're a great way to communicate with a widespread audience. 1576 01:16:16.458 --> 01:16:20.166 I spent all night distributing these all over this great land, 1577 01:16:21.000 --> 01:16:23.125 from sea to shining sea. 1578 01:16:23.208 --> 01:16:25.708 [Thomas] That's thousands of miles! How did you-- 1579 01:16:25.791 --> 01:16:29.666 Oh, I had a little help from the fastest racist in the colonies! 1580 01:16:29.750 --> 01:16:30.958 [all] Whoa! 1581 01:16:31.041 --> 01:16:33.875 -[Samuel] What have they done to you? -[Geronimo] Does that hurt? 1582 01:16:33.958 --> 01:16:37.375 [in robotic voice] The British are coming… to get their asses kicked! 1583 01:16:37.458 --> 01:16:41.666 Heh. Well, I am just glad that we got the band back together. 1584 01:16:41.750 --> 01:16:45.125 All right, everybody, come on! Grab an AR-15. 1585 01:16:45.208 --> 01:16:48.416 These little death machines here are gonna even the odds for us. 1586 01:16:48.500 --> 01:16:51.541 But once the war is over though, okay, I definitely need them back. 1587 01:16:51.625 --> 01:16:53.041 Yeah, man. No problem. 1588 01:16:53.875 --> 01:16:57.958 Yeah, they're just way too dangerous for civilians to keep. Am I right? 1589 01:16:58.041 --> 01:16:59.875 That is completely reasonable. 1590 01:17:01.708 --> 01:17:04.375 What in God's name are we waiting for? 1591 01:17:04.458 --> 01:17:06.250 Why are we not attacking? 1592 01:17:06.333 --> 01:17:08.208 Beggin' your pardon, me lord, 1593 01:17:08.291 --> 01:17:12.625 the Americans was just changing their kits into the stars and stripes, see? 1594 01:17:12.708 --> 01:17:14.916 Then they sang a song for a bit, yeah. 1595 01:17:15.000 --> 01:17:18.333 Now it looks like they're settlin' some personal differences. 1596 01:17:18.416 --> 01:17:19.583 Shan't be long. 1597 01:17:19.666 --> 01:17:22.291 We don't have to wait for them to get dressed. 1598 01:17:22.375 --> 01:17:23.791 Attack, you idiots! 1599 01:17:23.875 --> 01:17:26.458 Copy that, Command. Commencing bombardment. 1600 01:17:29.916 --> 01:17:33.500 Now, let's go start a fucking revolution! 1601 01:17:33.583 --> 01:17:34.541 Kick it! 1602 01:17:36.666 --> 01:17:40.458 Tread on them! Tread the fuck all over them! 1603 01:17:40.541 --> 01:17:42.416 [rock song playing] 1604 01:17:54.458 --> 01:17:55.666 [yelling] 1605 01:18:32.166 --> 01:18:33.000 [yelps] 1606 01:18:35.375 --> 01:18:36.208 Oh, no. 1607 01:18:54.333 --> 01:18:56.000 [eagles screeching] 1608 01:18:58.291 --> 01:18:59.708 Me-ronimo! 1609 01:19:04.708 --> 01:19:06.458 Edison, give me that juice! 1610 01:19:10.916 --> 01:19:14.666 For America! Charge! 1611 01:19:15.375 --> 01:19:17.666 [Benedict] Artillery. Open fire on the front. 1612 01:19:17.750 --> 01:19:20.000 [soldier over speaker] But, my lord, we'll hit our own men. 1613 01:19:20.083 --> 01:19:21.750 Fuck's sake. I'm evil! 1614 01:19:21.833 --> 01:19:24.541 We're the bad guys! Jesus, pay attention! 1615 01:19:24.625 --> 01:19:28.375 Now, open fire or I'll eat your bones! 1616 01:19:28.916 --> 01:19:30.166 [clears throat] Commander. 1617 01:19:30.250 --> 01:19:34.000 [commander over speaker] Roger, roger. All cannon, open fire. Danger close. 1618 01:19:49.291 --> 01:19:51.458 We've gotta do something about those cannons! 1619 01:19:52.166 --> 01:19:53.875 Wait a minute. Is that Martha? 1620 01:19:54.625 --> 01:19:57.041 Oh, my God! Edison, on me! 1621 01:20:01.708 --> 01:20:04.041 [grunts] Paul, take out those walkers or we're sunk! 1622 01:20:04.125 --> 01:20:06.666 -Affirmative. Commencing attack run. -Edison, give me a lift. 1623 01:20:06.750 --> 01:20:09.291 I'm on it! Science, don't fail me now. 1624 01:20:12.083 --> 01:20:15.250 -[George] Edison, fly straight! -[Edison] My thrusters took some damage! 1625 01:20:15.333 --> 01:20:17.500 Just get me to that elephant! 1626 01:20:17.583 --> 01:20:19.041 -[grunting] -[screaming] 1627 01:20:23.958 --> 01:20:27.666 -[Martha in British accent] Ello, guv'ner! -[laughing] Oh, Martha! Thank God! 1628 01:20:27.750 --> 01:20:30.625 I'm just so happy that you're… safe? 1629 01:20:35.041 --> 01:20:36.250 Stay on target. 1630 01:20:38.125 --> 01:20:40.291 Stay on target. 1631 01:20:49.125 --> 01:20:50.375 [bellows] 1632 01:20:50.458 --> 01:20:54.041 Well, Manchester, if you want something done right… 1633 01:20:55.333 --> 01:20:56.625 [growls] 1634 01:20:56.708 --> 01:20:59.666 Get some! Get some! Get some! [grunts] 1635 01:21:01.458 --> 01:21:03.416 -What the… What are you? -[snaps] 1636 01:21:03.500 --> 01:21:05.166 [bellows] 1637 01:21:11.666 --> 01:21:13.250 [screaming] 1638 01:21:18.375 --> 01:21:20.916 Oi! Handball! That's a foul, ya wanker! 1639 01:21:21.000 --> 01:21:22.833 Maybe that's true in Britain. 1640 01:21:24.666 --> 01:21:27.250 But this is America, asshole! [grunts] 1641 01:21:27.333 --> 01:21:28.500 [screams] 1642 01:21:29.250 --> 01:21:30.666 Touchdown! 1643 01:21:30.750 --> 01:21:33.333 [Benedict] What is the deal with these chaps? 1644 01:21:33.416 --> 01:21:35.458 It's like they have no quit in them. 1645 01:21:35.541 --> 01:21:39.208 No matter, I guess I'll just skip to the end, then. 1646 01:21:39.291 --> 01:21:41.916 Game over, old friend. 1647 01:21:45.625 --> 01:21:47.625 [machinery whirring] 1648 01:21:59.750 --> 01:22:02.208 We're surrounded. Why aren't they advancing? 1649 01:22:02.291 --> 01:22:05.541 Because that's not part of the plan, ya dumb twat! 1650 01:22:05.625 --> 01:22:07.875 Oh, fuck! 1651 01:22:12.291 --> 01:22:14.625 Holy! What is that thing? 1652 01:22:14.708 --> 01:22:17.375 It's a weather control device. Look at the tea bags. 1653 01:22:17.458 --> 01:22:20.791 It's designed to seed the clouds… with tea! 1654 01:22:20.875 --> 01:22:23.541 Teabagging them? Literally? But why? 1655 01:22:23.625 --> 01:22:26.083 To make them rain tea. 1656 01:22:26.166 --> 01:22:29.208 Every man, woman and child beneath these spacious skies 1657 01:22:29.291 --> 01:22:31.250 will be turned British instantly. 1658 01:22:31.333 --> 01:22:33.083 The revolution will not only be over, 1659 01:22:33.166 --> 01:22:35.250 it will effectively have never even occurred. 1660 01:22:35.333 --> 01:22:38.666 Aw, fuck! These are those global stakes you were talking about, aren't they? 1661 01:22:38.750 --> 01:22:42.916 Yep. If he successfully British-izes every colonist in the New World, 1662 01:22:43.000 --> 01:22:46.666 he won't stop there. He'll British-ize the entire world. 1663 01:22:46.750 --> 01:22:49.291 [chuckling] Okay. You know what? Fuck it. 1664 01:22:50.041 --> 01:22:53.416 -It was fun while it lasted, boys. -Keep it. 1665 01:22:53.500 --> 01:22:56.958 This is your last moment as a colonist. You may as well enjoy it. 1666 01:22:57.041 --> 01:22:58.875 Besides, it's sorta perfect. 1667 01:22:58.958 --> 01:23:01.041 I mean, beer's the exact opposite of tea. 1668 01:23:01.125 --> 01:23:03.750 So, one last "fuck you" to the Brits. Am I right? 1669 01:23:04.625 --> 01:23:08.250 The exact opposite. That's it! Sam, hold this keg steady. 1670 01:23:08.333 --> 01:23:10.208 -But it's full of beer! -It better be. 1671 01:23:10.291 --> 01:23:12.791 -Blacksmith, hammer this valve into place. -On it! 1672 01:23:12.875 --> 01:23:15.000 Geronimo, keep track of where that thing is headed. 1673 01:23:15.083 --> 01:23:16.458 That won't be too hard. 1674 01:23:20.666 --> 01:23:23.458 And, Paul, I'm gonna need a lot of juice! 1675 01:23:23.541 --> 01:23:24.916 [engine revving] 1676 01:23:27.500 --> 01:23:30.291 -Yo, Edison! What is that shit? -It is science. 1677 01:23:30.375 --> 01:23:32.625 The science that's going to win this war. 1678 01:23:32.708 --> 01:23:35.166 Last time you tried "science," 1679 01:23:35.250 --> 01:23:37.708 you set off a bomb that almost killed us. 1680 01:23:37.791 --> 01:23:39.708 How can you be so sure that this will work? 1681 01:23:39.791 --> 01:23:43.333 Well, I'm not sure, Sammy, but I have a hypothesis. 1682 01:23:43.916 --> 01:23:48.083 So, let's go test that hypothesis and draw some fucking conclusions! 1683 01:23:48.750 --> 01:23:53.583 This is for science! 1684 01:23:53.666 --> 01:23:55.208 [echoing] 1685 01:24:04.208 --> 01:24:05.875 [screams] 1686 01:24:11.083 --> 01:24:12.666 [screaming] 1687 01:24:15.708 --> 01:24:16.791 [grunts] 1688 01:24:20.000 --> 01:24:24.500 No! No! Not like this! Not like this, Martha! 1689 01:24:24.583 --> 01:24:28.375 -Drink it, George! Drink it in. -No! I won't do it! Ah! 1690 01:24:28.458 --> 01:24:34.250 Fine, resist. And I'll gain full custody of our son the moment he is born. 1691 01:24:34.333 --> 01:24:36.750 And you'll be helpless to stop it. 1692 01:24:36.833 --> 01:24:42.375 You'll have failed as a leader, as a husband and as a father, 1693 01:24:42.458 --> 01:24:46.833 just like your father before you. 1694 01:24:46.916 --> 01:24:48.833 [laughs maniacally] 1695 01:24:48.916 --> 01:24:51.208 Hey, hey, it's okay. 1696 01:24:51.291 --> 01:24:53.541 Even though you totally blew it 1697 01:24:53.625 --> 01:24:58.291 and let everyone on the team down, you tried your best, witch. 1698 01:24:58.375 --> 01:25:01.750 I'm not a witch, Sam. I am a scientist. 1699 01:25:01.833 --> 01:25:03.625 And no, I did not. 1700 01:25:03.708 --> 01:25:07.791 The beam. It wasn't meant to blow the Teabagger out of the sky. 1701 01:25:07.875 --> 01:25:09.333 -Nope. -Horse sound. 1702 01:25:09.416 --> 01:25:11.250 What did you do, human lady friend? 1703 01:25:11.333 --> 01:25:13.791 I reversed the polarity of the tea. 1704 01:25:22.083 --> 01:25:24.833 So, if it ain't tea no more, what the fuck is it? 1705 01:25:24.916 --> 01:25:26.750 The exact opposite of tea. 1706 01:25:28.458 --> 01:25:31.916 [gasps] It's beer! Beer won the war! 1707 01:25:32.000 --> 01:25:34.500 What? No, beer didn't win… No, science! 1708 01:25:34.583 --> 01:25:36.375 [all] Bro! 1709 01:25:38.125 --> 01:25:42.166 I'd just like to say something, you know, as the leader of the group. 1710 01:25:42.250 --> 01:25:45.500 Thirty minutes ago, I dreamed of a bigger fraternity. 1711 01:25:45.583 --> 01:25:49.375 And now, I look around and I have it. 1712 01:25:50.166 --> 01:25:52.625 That's the power of positive thinking, guys. 1713 01:25:52.708 --> 01:25:55.583 -Believe in yourselves! -Are you kidding me? 1714 01:25:55.666 --> 01:25:57.916 Mmm, delicious, isn't it? 1715 01:25:58.000 --> 01:25:59.708 [coughs] 1716 01:26:10.416 --> 01:26:11.416 [eagle screeches] 1717 01:26:17.791 --> 01:26:19.041 Ah! 1718 01:26:21.708 --> 01:26:24.500 Oh! George? What happened? 1719 01:26:24.583 --> 01:26:27.333 Science, Martha. Science happened. 1720 01:26:27.416 --> 01:26:29.708 Oh, my God! I could have… I almost… 1721 01:26:29.791 --> 01:26:32.666 [shushes] No, don't you worry about that. 1722 01:26:32.750 --> 01:26:36.833 You're back now and we've just got one thing left to do. 1723 01:26:36.916 --> 01:26:38.750 -Have awesome sex! -Final boss battle. What? 1724 01:26:38.833 --> 01:26:41.250 Uh, yep. Yep. Final boss battle. 1725 01:26:41.333 --> 01:26:42.750 -Bro! -No! 1726 01:26:42.833 --> 01:26:45.666 Bros. Bros everywhere! 1727 01:26:45.750 --> 01:26:48.750 It reeks of Ye Olde Axe body spray! 1728 01:26:48.833 --> 01:26:50.083 [George] Excuse me, sir. 1729 01:26:53.750 --> 01:26:56.083 Do you have a moment to talk about freedom? 1730 01:26:56.166 --> 01:27:00.750 Aren't you surprised to see me leading the British and not King James? 1731 01:27:00.833 --> 01:27:03.583 What? No. You obviously pulled a Benedict Arnold. 1732 01:27:03.666 --> 01:27:04.666 A what? 1733 01:27:04.750 --> 01:27:07.041 A Benedict Arnold. You're a thing now, bro. 1734 01:27:07.125 --> 01:27:09.666 Whenever you get fucked over by a trusted friend, 1735 01:27:09.750 --> 01:27:12.333 it's called getting Benedict Arnolded. Right, everybody? 1736 01:27:12.416 --> 01:27:14.458 -[all] Yeah. -It's totally a thing. 1737 01:27:14.541 --> 01:27:16.791 No. You… You can't just do that. 1738 01:27:16.875 --> 01:27:19.875 Oh, yeah, we can. Because we all voted on it. 1739 01:27:19.958 --> 01:27:21.333 And that's called… 1740 01:27:21.416 --> 01:27:23.125 [all] Fucking Democracy! 1741 01:27:23.208 --> 01:27:24.416 We're doin' it! 1742 01:27:24.500 --> 01:27:26.833 [laughing] Oh, Georgie. 1743 01:27:26.916 --> 01:27:29.000 You think you've won. 1744 01:27:30.416 --> 01:27:31.833 [growls] 1745 01:27:32.416 --> 01:27:35.041 Mega Wolf! 1746 01:27:35.125 --> 01:27:36.000 Geronimo, now! 1747 01:27:37.458 --> 01:27:38.500 Launch winch-chain. 1748 01:27:39.208 --> 01:27:41.125 -[grunts] -[neighs] 1749 01:27:41.208 --> 01:27:42.541 [growls] 1750 01:27:43.208 --> 01:27:44.583 Sammy, take the shot! 1751 01:27:45.541 --> 01:27:47.500 Here comes the boom, bitch. 1752 01:27:48.791 --> 01:27:50.333 [grunting] 1753 01:27:52.791 --> 01:27:55.416 [growling] 1754 01:27:58.416 --> 01:27:59.541 [grunts] 1755 01:28:03.166 --> 01:28:05.333 Guys, I don't know how much more he can take! 1756 01:28:05.416 --> 01:28:07.458 -Where's the stupid bullet? -We're looking! 1757 01:28:07.541 --> 01:28:10.458 Any last regrets, old chum? 1758 01:28:10.541 --> 01:28:15.208 Yeah, I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country. 1759 01:28:15.291 --> 01:28:20.208 Yes. Well, I suppose the one will have to do. 1760 01:28:20.291 --> 01:28:23.416 Oh, shit! It's right here. Guys! I found it! 1761 01:28:24.541 --> 01:28:27.625 What are you smiling about, you idiot? You can't possibly kill me. 1762 01:28:27.708 --> 01:28:29.791 I'm not trying to kill you, Ben. 1763 01:28:29.875 --> 01:28:34.083 They are. With America's favorite pastime. 1764 01:28:34.166 --> 01:28:35.083 No! 1765 01:28:39.791 --> 01:28:41.166 Tax this, motherfucker! 1766 01:28:46.500 --> 01:28:48.583 [commentator] It's going way back to right field. 1767 01:28:48.666 --> 01:28:50.916 The bullet is still going! High up in there! 1768 01:28:51.000 --> 01:28:53.041 -Bugger! -He did it! 1769 01:28:53.833 --> 01:28:56.166 John Henry Smith did it! 1770 01:28:56.250 --> 01:28:57.458 [all cheer] 1771 01:29:01.583 --> 01:29:05.875 Welcome to America! 1772 01:29:11.041 --> 01:29:12.875 [cheering] 1773 01:29:16.833 --> 01:29:18.625 [whooping] 1774 01:29:36.208 --> 01:29:38.125 [George] I wanna make a monument for Abe, too. 1775 01:29:38.208 --> 01:29:40.583 But of course, Mr. President. Same as yours? 1776 01:29:40.666 --> 01:29:41.750 No, I.M. Pei. 1777 01:29:41.833 --> 01:29:47.500 His should be a statue of him sitting there, staring at my monument. 1778 01:29:47.583 --> 01:29:49.500 [Abe chuckling] Who are you, Demi Moore? 1779 01:29:49.583 --> 01:29:51.625 Why you gotta screw a ghost like that, George? 1780 01:29:51.708 --> 01:29:54.916 Abe! Ah, bro! God, it's good to see you again, man. 1781 01:29:55.000 --> 01:29:58.958 Well, you're gonna feel like a real turd after you see what I brought you. Hah! 1782 01:29:59.041 --> 01:30:00.916 The Declaration! You saved it! 1783 01:30:01.000 --> 01:30:01.916 I did. 1784 01:30:02.000 --> 01:30:05.041 A little of Mr. Scotch's invisible tape and it's as good as new. 1785 01:30:05.125 --> 01:30:06.166 It's beautiful, Abe. 1786 01:30:06.250 --> 01:30:09.916 It is, but you're the real national treasure here, George. 1787 01:30:10.000 --> 01:30:11.458 I'm proud of you, bud. 1788 01:30:13.541 --> 01:30:16.708 And no, there's no treasure map drawn on the back of it. 1789 01:30:16.791 --> 01:30:18.833 -Oh, man. -George, what are you doin', bro? 1790 01:30:18.916 --> 01:30:20.708 -They're lookin' for you out there. -Oh, Sam! 1791 01:30:20.791 --> 01:30:23.125 I'm glad you're here. I have something for you. 1792 01:30:23.208 --> 01:30:26.375 -What is it? -A gift for my son's godfather. 1793 01:30:26.458 --> 01:30:27.708 -Who, me? -Yep. 1794 01:30:27.791 --> 01:30:31.083 I need someone I can trust with my son's life. 1795 01:30:31.166 --> 01:30:33.250 And I always thought it would be Abe. 1796 01:30:33.333 --> 01:30:37.041 But with him as a gho… a goner, I need to find someone else. 1797 01:30:37.125 --> 01:30:39.166 George, I'm honored! 1798 01:30:39.250 --> 01:30:40.666 Hey, is that my hat? Oh, it is. 1799 01:30:40.750 --> 01:30:43.916 But… Ugh. I don't know how to be a caretaker. 1800 01:30:44.000 --> 01:30:45.458 I don't have those instincts. 1801 01:30:45.541 --> 01:30:47.916 No, don't think of it as being the caretaker. 1802 01:30:48.000 --> 01:30:49.333 Think of it as being family. 1803 01:30:49.416 --> 01:30:50.750 Like the fun, drunk, 1804 01:30:50.833 --> 01:30:55.833 now definitely no-longer-racist uncle that America has always needed. 1805 01:30:55.916 --> 01:30:58.875 Uncle Sam. I like It. 1806 01:30:58.958 --> 01:31:00.875 Uncle fucking Sam! 1807 01:31:00.958 --> 01:31:04.250 Come on, Uncle Sam, our countrymen await. 1808 01:31:05.916 --> 01:31:08.666 [crowd cheering and applauding] 1809 01:31:14.625 --> 01:31:15.708 Hey, Denzel. 1810 01:31:15.791 --> 01:31:16.708 [giggles] 1811 01:31:18.083 --> 01:31:19.583 [crowd cheers] 1812 01:31:26.458 --> 01:31:28.000 My fellow Americans, 1813 01:31:28.083 --> 01:31:32.750 on this day, July 4th, 1776, 1814 01:31:32.833 --> 01:31:36.916 we are all finally free! 1815 01:31:37.000 --> 01:31:38.958 [all cheer] 1816 01:31:48.000 --> 01:31:49.666 [man 1] What about your slaves? 1817 01:31:49.750 --> 01:31:52.416 Oh! Um… 1818 01:31:52.500 --> 01:31:56.916 -I said, what about your slaves? -[George] Well, see-- 1819 01:31:57.000 --> 01:31:58.375 And what about women? 1820 01:31:58.458 --> 01:32:01.291 Will we be granted equality in your America? 1821 01:32:01.375 --> 01:32:04.250 -Yes, but-- -Sure, right after the Indians. 1822 01:32:04.333 --> 01:32:07.750 Wait a second. I was under the impression we were getting our land back. 1823 01:32:07.833 --> 01:32:08.833 Good point. Um… 1824 01:32:08.916 --> 01:32:10.791 Oh, hey, can I keep this here machine gun? 1825 01:32:10.875 --> 01:32:13.541 Like, if a Mexican tries to take my property or something? 1826 01:32:13.625 --> 01:32:15.833 What? You just took this land from the Indians-- 1827 01:32:15.916 --> 01:32:17.583 He was coming for you. I saw it! 1828 01:32:17.666 --> 01:32:20.958 -He just shot him! In the back! -He was making a move, man. I swear it! 1829 01:32:21.041 --> 01:32:24.583 We're gonna have a fair and unbiased judicial process, right? 1830 01:32:24.666 --> 01:32:27.041 -Everyone, just calm down! -Fuck you! 1831 01:32:27.125 --> 01:32:28.541 No, fuck you! 1832 01:32:28.625 --> 01:32:30.791 Hey, I just wanna marry my boyfriend. 1833 01:32:31.458 --> 01:32:32.500 Sinner! 1834 01:32:32.583 --> 01:32:34.875 There's gonna be comprehensive health care, right? 1835 01:32:36.083 --> 01:32:38.958 [man 1] Seriously, dude. What about your slaves? 1836 01:32:39.041 --> 01:32:42.541 Oh, God. We're gonna fuck this up, aren't we? 1837 01:33:35.541 --> 01:33:38.291 Dagnabbit! I think we missed it, E's. 1838 01:33:38.375 --> 01:33:40.083 [growls weakly]