WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[upbeat rock music plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering, applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Brian Regan!

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[audience cheering, whistling]

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much, everybody.

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[audience cheering]

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Thank you.

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Thank you very, very much.

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Well, let's get the gray hair
out of the way.

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[audience laughing]

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Because if I don't, you won't listen
to a word I say for an hour.

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You'll be out there, "Did you know
anything about the gray hair?"

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"I'm just as befuddled as you."

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[audience laughing]

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I don't know what happened either.

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Covid hit, I went into hibernation
and came out a senior citizen.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience clapping and cheering]

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It's just as well.

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I was never comfortable
in the hair-color aisle anyway.

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You always have to pretend like
you're there for someone else.

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"Women, huh?"

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[audience laughing]

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I like the difference in hair color names
between women and men

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Women have hair color names
like ruby fusion.

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Chocolate cherry.

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Butterscotch.

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Men's hair color: brown!

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[audience laughing]

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Black!

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Light brown!

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Dark black!

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For men,
that is the entire color spectrum.

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I don't know.
I'm at the age where I wake up,

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the first thing I do is try to remember
what doctor I'm going to that day.

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[audience laughing]

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Ah, the dermatologist.

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Because of that splotch on my back.

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I don't want to sound like I'm bragging,

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but I have to put medicine on my back
using a spatula.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]

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It's fun going into the drugstore
when they ask,

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"Can we help you find anything?"
And I say,

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"Yes, a spatula,
Lotrimin and a hand mirror."

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[audience laughing]

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Are you intrigued, my lady?

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[audience laughing]

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I got my Little Red Riding Hood
Walgreens basket,

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if you could direct me
to the proper aisles.

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[audience laughing, whistling]

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My dermatologist said he needed
to do a biopsy of a little mole

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on the tip of my nose,
and I was like,

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"Wow, that sounds like
it's going to hurt."

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He said, "Don't worry. We're going
to numb it first with a painkiller."

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I said, "How?"

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He said,  "We're going to puncture
a sharp needle into the tip of your nose."

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[audience laughing]

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So you're not canceling the pain.

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You're just rescheduling it.

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[audience laughing, cheering]

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So I go to my regular doctor
and he's like, "What's going on?"

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I said, "You tell me.
Just above my right knee

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there's a little area
about three inches up.

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It's about the size of a fist.

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That's where it doesn't hurt.

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[audience laughing]

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And it feels very peculiar.

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Do you have a pill that can make
everything else feel like that?

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I want an
'everything else like that' pill."

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My doctor looked at me and said,
"Brian, you are way too sedentary."

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So I vowed in that moment…

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to get a dictionary.

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[audience laughing]

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I haven't got around to it,
just been laying around the house.

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[audience laughing]

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Or is it "lying" around the house?

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Doctors specialize, right?

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Last month I went  to an ear,
nose and throat doctor.

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Last week I went to an arch-of-the-foot,
small-of-the-back,

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nape-of-the-neck doctor.

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[audience laughing]

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I have fallen arches, my small's too big,
and I have a trick nape.

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It's weird, in the human world,
there's a doctor for every body part.

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But in the animal world,
a veterinarian takes care of all animals…

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and all their parts.

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That's got to be the hardest job
in the world.

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Where are the bighorn sheep
knee doctors?

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[audience laughing]

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The wildebeest gastroenterologists?

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The giraffe throat,
throat and throat doctors?

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[audience laughing
and applauding]

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[audience cheering
and whistling]

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They say the American medical system
is the best in the world.

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I'll be impressed when I am no longer
handed a clipboard

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when I check in for my doctor visit.

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That is so Stone Age.

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You know, we live in a world
of bar codes and microchips.

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What's with the clipboard?

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"I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment."

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"Here's your clipboard.
There's 257 pages on there."

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"Here's a pen with a flower on it."

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[audience laughing]

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"Go sit with all those other people

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and don't even think of coming back
to this counter

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till you've completely filled out
your clipboard."

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[audience applauding]

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"I've been a patient here for many years.
You should have all this information."

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"Well, our policy is we do it every year.
We give you another clipboard.

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And that way you can experience
angst and tension

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and rage and downright fury,
all roiling through your torso."

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"And then we take your blood pressure."

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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[Brian chuckles]

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You can't fix that
and you're going to fix me?

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So my doctor told me to get
a therapeutic massage for the neck.

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Um, massages are weird.

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You know, I never feel comfortable.

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Always looking through
that strange doughnut hole.

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[audience laughing]

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I'm always thinking weird things like,

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"I wonder if I could squeeze my head
through this."

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[audience laughing]

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"But what if I got stuck
underneath the table?"

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"Then I'd be like
an upside-down periscope."

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"I'd better leave well enough alone

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and stay on this side
of the doughnut hole."

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Then I think things like,
"Are my eyes supposed to be open?"

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"I feel like I'm eavesdropping.
I'm watching her feet moving around."

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Started thinking weird things like,

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"What if one shoe went that way
and one shoe went that way?"

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[audience laughing]

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"I'd be awfully curious
as to what was going on."

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"Awfully curious."

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[audience laughing]

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So after 10 minutes I said,
"I don't know the protocol…

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but am I supposed to say,
'you may begin'?"

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And she said,
"I started 10 minutes ago."

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She said,
"This is a Reiki massage."

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"I don't actually touch you."

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[audience laughing]

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"My hands are just above you,
and it's an energy healing."

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[audience laughing]

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So when she was done I said,
"I don't actually touch my wallet."

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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"My hand is just above it."

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"You should be receiving
an energy payment…

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that you can use to pay your energy bill,
see how they feel about the concept."

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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So I'm learning things about myself.

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I learned recently I suffer from OCD.

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-Uh--
-[woman whoops]

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-Thank you.
-[audience laughing]

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"Suffer" is too strong a word.

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People say they suffer from things,
when that just means they have them.

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You know, do I look like I'm suffering?

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I think the word "suffer"
should be reserved for a guy

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writhing on the ground in agony.

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He's suffering.

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Am I allowed to run up to him?

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"You're preaching to the choir!"

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[audience laughing]

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"I have to alphabetize everything!"

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[audience laughing]

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"Quit wriggling.
I'm trying to count your ribs."

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"I'm a rib counter."

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[audience laughing]

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The alphabetizing thing is not true,
at least in my case.

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People think I'm weirder than I am,
and it's hard for me.

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They ask questions like,
"Brian, with your OCD,

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do you have to alphabetize
your books at home?"

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And I'm like, "Uh, no."

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"I organize my books by when I got them
chronologically on the top shelf."

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"I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not a kook."

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[audience laughing]

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"And the bottom shelf is for the books
I've completed reading."

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"Organized chronologically
by the completion date."

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"I don't have to alphabetize them." Der!

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[audience laughing]

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"And the middle shelf…

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is for the books
I'm in the process of reading."

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"When I start reading a book,

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I move it from the top shelf
to the middle shelf

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and I organize those chronologically
by the start date."

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I know exactly what you're wondering.

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You're thinking, "Well, wouldn't
reading the title of the book…

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count technically as being in the process
of reading that book?"

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"Then how would you distinguish between
the top shelf in the middle shelf?"

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Well, the way I do it…

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[audience laughing]

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I make myself read all of page one
before I allow a shelf change.

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[audience laughing
and applauding]

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I don't count the introduction,
or the foreword, or the book jacket.

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I do read all of that word for word,

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but then I make myself read
all of page one all the way to the bottom.

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Unless it ends in the middle
of a sentence,

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I make myself turn the page.

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I finish the sentence
to complete the thought,

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I turn the page back.

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I write down what date
that book was started.

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I move that to the middle shelf
furthest on the right.

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I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not out of my mind!

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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How come when you want things in order
they call that a disorder?

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[audience laughing]

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You know, when I first suspected
that I might have OCD, I Googled it.

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And there are different symptoms.

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And some I have, and some I don't.

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And the ones I have,
some I have more strongly than others.

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So I decided to make a color-coded graph.

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[audience laughing]

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I wish I was making this up.

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I listed the symptoms.

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I said I'm going to rate from 0 to 10
how strongly I feel I have each symptom.

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Total it up and divide it
by the number of symptoms.

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-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

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If I'm higher than 5
I'll seek professional help.

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If I'm under 5,
I'll self-diagnose that I am A-okay.

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[audience laughing]

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Number one: are you the type of person
who has to check the stove repeatedly

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to make sure it's off?

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And I'm like,
"Uh, zero. That's Looney Tunes land."

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[audience laughing]

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Number two: are you the type of person
who has to wash your hands

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over and over again?

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And I had this nagging feeling…

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that I forgot to answer
that first question.

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[audience laughing]

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So I looked up--
"Yeah,  I did write zero. Okay."

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"Hand washing."

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"Six."

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"That ain't even right."
I scribbled that out.

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I got some ink on my hands.
I went to go wash my hands.

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While I'm washing my hands I'm like,
"Why did they mention stoves?"

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So I checked the stove.

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It was on. I'm like,
"I'll never make that mistake again."

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And I came back and I changed
"hand washing" to 2.

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[audience laughing]

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I took the whole test and averaged 5.0.

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So I'm like, "I still don't know."

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[audience laughing]

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So I decided to buy a book about it.

246
00:14:30.744 --> 00:14:33.205
I go into the bookstore,
I ask the clerk,

247
00:14:33.289 --> 00:14:35.749
"Can you tell me
where the self-help section is?"

248
00:14:35.833 --> 00:14:39.336
And she said,
"Why don't you try to find that yourself?"

249
00:14:39.420 --> 00:14:41.422
[audience laughing and applauding]

250
00:14:48.846 --> 00:14:52.558
Well, I finally found the section.
It was so disorganized,

251
00:14:52.641 --> 00:14:56.395
I spent the next three hours
rearranging all their books

252
00:14:56.478 --> 00:14:59.315
rather than finding out
whether or not I have OCD!

253
00:14:59.398 --> 00:15:02.484
[audience cheering,
whistling and applauding]

254
00:15:09.742 --> 00:15:12.536
I'll show you one weird way
it manifests itself.

255
00:15:12.620 --> 00:15:14.747
Every year when I get
the new calendar,

256
00:15:14.830 --> 00:15:18.584
I always look ahead because I don't like
the months who are at the bottom.

257
00:15:18.667 --> 00:15:21.253
They expect days to share squares.

258
00:15:22.671 --> 00:15:25.090
-My brain can't handle that.
-[audience laughs]

259
00:15:25.174 --> 00:15:28.719
"Oh no, October's going to be
square-sharing month."

260
00:15:32.139 --> 00:15:33.390
Why do they do that?

261
00:15:33.933 --> 00:15:35.517
Days don't want roommates.

262
00:15:36.894 --> 00:15:39.688
You don't want the 31st
going up to the 24th:

263
00:15:39.772 --> 00:15:42.149
"Hey, can I squeeze in there with you?"

264
00:15:42.232 --> 00:15:43.275
[audience laughing]

265
00:15:43.359 --> 00:15:44.944
"Get the hell out of here!"

266
00:15:46.195 --> 00:15:49.239
"There's empty squares
on the top of the next page."

267
00:15:52.493 --> 00:15:53.953
You might think that's weird,

268
00:15:54.036 --> 00:15:56.288
unless one of those days
is special to you.

269
00:15:56.830 --> 00:16:01.627
If it's your birthday, you don't want to
be wedged up in the corner of a triangle.

270
00:16:01.710 --> 00:16:05.297
"Happy birthday, sort of,
kind of squished up here."

271
00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:11.011
And then right across the diagonal
it says, "Take trash to dump."

272
00:16:11.095 --> 00:16:12.513
[audience laughing]

273
00:16:16.850 --> 00:16:19.853
I've always been interested
in calendars and time.

274
00:16:19.937 --> 00:16:22.439
Uh, I grew up in the Eastern Time Zone.

275
00:16:22.523 --> 00:16:24.692
I now live in the Pacific Time Zone.

276
00:16:24.775 --> 00:16:26.568
And what's weird living out there,

277
00:16:26.652 --> 00:16:29.863
when anybody from the Eastern Time Zone
leaves the voice message,

278
00:16:29.947 --> 00:16:33.033
they always feel they have to compute
the time difference.

279
00:16:34.284 --> 00:16:38.080
I'm always getting messages:
"Hey, Brian, it's, four o'clock my time.

280
00:16:39.415 --> 00:16:41.458
That's one o'clock your time."

281
00:16:41.542 --> 00:16:43.460
-[audience laughing]
-Oh!

282
00:16:45.921 --> 00:16:47.047
[groans softly]

283
00:16:47.131 --> 00:16:48.549
[audience applauding]

284
00:16:49.717 --> 00:16:52.386
I know what time it is
where I am.

285
00:16:52.469 --> 00:16:53.887
[audience laughing]

286
00:16:56.807 --> 00:16:58.600
I have a friend
who does that all the time.

287
00:16:58.684 --> 00:17:00.185
He recently left this message:

288
00:17:00.269 --> 00:17:02.062
"Brian, do me a favor.
Call me back.

289
00:17:02.146 --> 00:17:05.274
I'm going to be out for about 20 minutes
my time, that's, uh…

290
00:17:07.067 --> 00:17:08.485
[audience laughing]

291
00:17:09.611 --> 00:17:10.988
Uh, just call me back."

292
00:17:11.071 --> 00:17:12.072
[audience laughing]

293
00:17:13.824 --> 00:17:15.409
When? What's the formula?

294
00:17:19.580 --> 00:17:22.708
When I was a kid,
it was weird learning about time zones.

295
00:17:22.791 --> 00:17:25.711
Learning that there were 24
around the world.

296
00:17:25.794 --> 00:17:29.173
I looked at a globe
and saw all the lines met at the top,

297
00:17:29.256 --> 00:17:31.800
and I thought, "What time is it up there?"

298
00:17:32.926 --> 00:17:35.512
Could you put your hand on the pole
and walk around,

299
00:17:35.596 --> 00:17:39.725
"It's 1:00, 2:00, 3:00,
4:00, 5:00, 6:00!"?

300
00:17:39.808 --> 00:17:42.478
[audience laughing and applauding,
then cheering]

301
00:17:45.606 --> 00:17:46.815
[man] Yeah!

302
00:17:49.234 --> 00:17:51.320
How would you plan anything up there?

303
00:17:51.403 --> 00:17:52.863
"We're gonna meet at five o'clock."

304
00:17:54.573 --> 00:17:56.033
[audience laughing]

305
00:17:56.116 --> 00:17:57.284
"Where were you?"

306
00:18:00.037 --> 00:18:01.705
"I was just south of here."

307
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:09.546
Well, in addition to the OCD,
I also have a little social anxiety.

308
00:18:10.214 --> 00:18:12.633
But I force myself
to go to parties and stuff,

309
00:18:12.716 --> 00:18:15.677
but there are things people do
that bug me.

310
00:18:15.761 --> 00:18:17.179
[audience laughing]

311
00:18:19.139 --> 00:18:22.935
I don't like when somebody pronounces
a word differently than everybody else

312
00:18:23.018 --> 00:18:25.145
to try to sound smart.

313
00:18:25.229 --> 00:18:27.439
Just say it like everybody else.

314
00:18:28.732 --> 00:18:31.693
I'm at this party,
I walk up to this group of strangers.

315
00:18:31.777 --> 00:18:33.821
First thing I hear, uh, this guy goes,

316
00:18:33.904 --> 00:18:36.532
"Another thing about  'Jengus' Khan…"

317
00:18:36.615 --> 00:18:38.534
I'm like, "Oh, jeez."

318
00:18:38.617 --> 00:18:40.035
[audience laughing]

319
00:18:41.120 --> 00:18:43.247
"I already don't like this guy."

320
00:18:43.330 --> 00:18:44.748
[audience laughing]

321
00:18:46.875 --> 00:18:48.752
I go, "Oh, uh, Genghis Khan?"

322
00:18:48.836 --> 00:18:51.171
"It was actually pronounced 'Jengus.'"

323
00:18:52.506 --> 00:18:53.715
[chuckles haughtily]

324
00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:55.300
[audience laughing]

325
00:18:56.468 --> 00:18:58.762
I'm guessing you were there at the time.

326
00:19:00.055 --> 00:19:03.058
You and the Jeng-man
palling around town.

327
00:19:05.102 --> 00:19:06.895
So I wanted to sound smart.

328
00:19:08.063 --> 00:19:12.818
So I was like, "Oh, Jengus Khan,
the 'Mongo-lian em-peror.'

329
00:19:12.901 --> 00:19:16.071
[audience laughing and applauding]

330
00:19:18.949 --> 00:19:22.494
-[woman cheers]
-Wasn't he the 'con-kerer' of 'Cheena'?"

331
00:19:22.578 --> 00:19:23.996
[audience laughing]

332
00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:30.752
Well, I felt this little circle
tighten on me.

333
00:19:30.836 --> 00:19:32.045
[audience laughing]

334
00:19:32.921 --> 00:19:34.840
I've done just been ostracized.

335
00:19:39.219 --> 00:19:41.180
Walk up to this second group.

336
00:19:41.763 --> 00:19:45.350
And I don't know what to do when somebody
says something I don't agree with.

337
00:19:45.434 --> 00:19:47.644
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
as a person.

338
00:19:47.728 --> 00:19:49.563
I've always grappled with that.

339
00:19:49.646 --> 00:19:51.690
I walk up, this woman says,

340
00:19:51.773 --> 00:19:53.859
"Animals are smarter than people."

341
00:19:54.735 --> 00:19:56.069
I'm like, "Oh, jeez."

342
00:19:56.862 --> 00:19:58.572
[audience laughing]

343
00:19:58.655 --> 00:20:00.157
"I just got here."

344
00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:01.867
[audience laughing]

345
00:20:04.036 --> 00:20:06.747
I look at the others like,
"Anybody want to take this?"

346
00:20:06.830 --> 00:20:08.248
[audience laughing]

347
00:20:09.458 --> 00:20:10.792
"Low-hanging fruit."

348
00:20:13.170 --> 00:20:16.256
"I just took the hit
over at that little circle."

349
00:20:16.340 --> 00:20:18.550
"If somebody could step up
to the plate here

350
00:20:18.634 --> 00:20:21.261
so I could hang around
for longer than two minutes…"

351
00:20:21.345 --> 00:20:22.679
[audience laughing]

352
00:20:23.847 --> 00:20:27.100
But nobody else is even looking up,
they're shuffling their shoes…

353
00:20:28.268 --> 00:20:30.145
and trying to figure out the dynamic.

354
00:20:30.229 --> 00:20:32.898
"They must work for her.
Something's going on."

355
00:20:35.108 --> 00:20:36.735
But I couldn't say nothing.

356
00:20:38.612 --> 00:20:41.031
But I didn't want to make a big deal
out of it either.

357
00:20:41.114 --> 00:20:42.366
I don't know these people.

358
00:20:42.449 --> 00:20:44.910
So I decided to make
a lighthearted joke.

359
00:20:44.993 --> 00:20:47.996
So I said,
"Oh, how do animals do on the SAT test?"

360
00:20:48.080 --> 00:20:49.498
[audience laughing]

361
00:20:52.584 --> 00:20:54.962
-[woman] Yeah!
-[people whooping]

362
00:20:55.045 --> 00:20:56.546
Just a little "ha-ha-ha."

363
00:20:56.630 --> 00:20:57.839
[audience laughing]

364
00:20:58.423 --> 00:21:00.092
I didn't get the "ha-ha-ha."

365
00:21:00.926 --> 00:21:02.886
I just felt the temperature drop.

366
00:21:03.845 --> 00:21:06.598
And this woman glares at me and says,

367
00:21:06.682 --> 00:21:10.269
"Animals are smarter than people."

368
00:21:11.144 --> 00:21:12.688
"Like, case closed."

369
00:21:14.731 --> 00:21:16.233
Well, I can't take that.

370
00:21:16.316 --> 00:21:17.734
[audience laughing]

371
00:21:19.194 --> 00:21:22.906
But before I could say anything,
she said, "What about the beavers?"

372
00:21:23.824 --> 00:21:25.450
[audience laughing]

373
00:21:29.162 --> 00:21:32.582
Forcing me to say,
"What about the beavers?"

374
00:21:32.666 --> 00:21:34.084
[audience laughing]

375
00:21:35.419 --> 00:21:38.588
There was no other line
on my script at that point.

376
00:21:39.965 --> 00:21:43.468
Nothing can ever follow,
"What about the beavers?"

377
00:21:43.552 --> 00:21:44.803
[audience laughing]

378
00:21:44.886 --> 00:21:48.223
Except another,
"What about the beavers?"

379
00:21:49.349 --> 00:21:51.226
"What about the beavers?"

380
00:21:52.352 --> 00:21:54.688
"What about the beavers?"

381
00:21:54.771 --> 00:21:56.398
[audience laughing]

382
00:22:00.736 --> 00:22:02.571
So she explains to me.

383
00:22:03.238 --> 00:22:06.408
She said,
"The beavers are smarter than people."

384
00:22:07.534 --> 00:22:12.205
"They know how to all get in the water,
and they all know how to gather sticks…

385
00:22:12.748 --> 00:22:14.374
and bring them to one area,

386
00:22:14.458 --> 00:22:17.044
and they know how to put mud
on their tails

387
00:22:17.127 --> 00:22:22.090
and slap the sticks together,
and they can affect the flow of a river."

388
00:22:22.174 --> 00:22:23.592
[audience laughing]

389
00:22:28.597 --> 00:22:29.681
Hoover Dam.

390
00:22:29.765 --> 00:22:31.516
[audience laughing and applauding]

391
00:22:40.734 --> 00:22:42.194
Smart. Stupid.

392
00:22:42.277 --> 00:22:43.570
[audience laughing]

393
00:22:44.488 --> 00:22:47.324
Human engineering. Pile of muddy sticks.

394
00:22:47.407 --> 00:22:48.825
[audience laughing]

395
00:22:52.245 --> 00:22:53.747
So I asked her,

396
00:22:53.830 --> 00:22:57.000
"If you hired a company to build a dam…

397
00:22:58.502 --> 00:23:00.962
and they all got out of their trucks…

398
00:23:02.339 --> 00:23:05.050
and they all started
getting in river water…

399
00:23:06.551 --> 00:23:09.179
and started gathering twigs and…

400
00:23:09.971 --> 00:23:13.016
nosing them around
on the surface of the water…

401
00:23:13.934 --> 00:23:15.769
would you be on the riverbank:

402
00:23:15.852 --> 00:23:17.646
'Look how smart they are!'?"

403
00:23:17.729 --> 00:23:19.147
[audience laughing]

404
00:23:25.153 --> 00:23:27.030
Well, everyone got real quiet.

405
00:23:27.114 --> 00:23:28.532
[audience laughing]

406
00:23:30.826 --> 00:23:32.077
And she doubled down.

407
00:23:34.788 --> 00:23:37.457
She said, "What about the honeybees?"

408
00:23:40.752 --> 00:23:42.295
So I looked at my script.

409
00:23:42.379 --> 00:23:44.256
[audience laughing]

410
00:23:44.339 --> 00:23:47.008
"What about the honeybees?"

411
00:23:48.135 --> 00:23:50.345
"What about the honeybees?"

412
00:23:50.846 --> 00:23:52.139
"What about them?"

413
00:23:53.265 --> 00:23:54.850
"What about the honeybees?"

414
00:23:54.933 --> 00:23:56.351
[audience laughing]

415
00:23:58.019 --> 00:23:59.020
[chuckles]

416
00:23:59.855 --> 00:24:00.981
So she said,

417
00:24:01.064 --> 00:24:03.900
"Uh, the honeybees
are smarter than people."

418
00:24:04.693 --> 00:24:08.947
"They know that they only need one of them
to go in a figure-eight pattern…

419
00:24:09.030 --> 00:24:10.824
and wiggle its behind,

420
00:24:10.907 --> 00:24:14.744
and it can let all the other honeybees
know where the flowers are."

421
00:24:17.080 --> 00:24:18.373
[audience laughing]

422
00:24:18.457 --> 00:24:22.210
"What if your Uncle Larry had to do that
to show you where the fridge was?"

423
00:24:22.294 --> 00:24:23.879
[audience laughing]

424
00:24:27.257 --> 00:24:29.134
[cheering and applause]

425
00:24:34.806 --> 00:24:38.018
Nobody could quench their thirst
till Uncle Larry showed up.

426
00:24:38.101 --> 00:24:39.644
[audience laughing]

427
00:24:40.353 --> 00:24:43.607
With his groundbreaking
communication techniques.

428
00:24:46.735 --> 00:24:50.363
Well, this little circle popped me out
like a champagne cork.

429
00:24:50.447 --> 00:24:52.324
[audience laughing]

430
00:24:52.407 --> 00:24:54.534
"Jengus" Khan is looking over at me.

431
00:24:55.494 --> 00:24:57.996
He's like, "You don't know how
to make friends, do you?"

432
00:24:58.079 --> 00:24:59.789
I'm like, "I don't think so."

433
00:25:00.832 --> 00:25:02.209
Man without a country.

434
00:25:02.292 --> 00:25:03.710
[audience laughing]

435
00:25:06.046 --> 00:25:08.256
Walk up to this third little circle.

436
00:25:08.757 --> 00:25:11.384
And I'm trying to learn
how to be a better listener.

437
00:25:12.177 --> 00:25:14.596
So I just decided to just say nothing.

438
00:25:15.555 --> 00:25:18.308
And there was a guy there
telling everyone a story

439
00:25:18.391 --> 00:25:21.436
about the lottery numbers
that he had recently picked.

440
00:25:22.229 --> 00:25:24.814
Whoo! What a story.

441
00:25:24.898 --> 00:25:25.899
[audience laughing]

442
00:25:25.982 --> 00:25:28.068
I'm going to try to duplicate it for you,

443
00:25:28.151 --> 00:25:31.947
but it's going to be challenging,
because this guy was drilling it.

444
00:25:32.531 --> 00:25:34.658
He had everyone gathered around
and he was like,

445
00:25:34.741 --> 00:25:36.618
"So I got, uh, four lottery tickets."

446
00:25:37.369 --> 00:25:39.996
"The, uh, first ticket, I picked a 2…

447
00:25:40.080 --> 00:25:44.042
4, 7, 21, 36."

448
00:25:46.044 --> 00:25:47.295
"The second ticket…

449
00:25:49.339 --> 00:25:51.925
I had the 2, 5--
I  had the 4 on the first ticket."

450
00:25:52.008 --> 00:25:53.802
"Got the 5 on the second ticket."

451
00:25:53.885 --> 00:25:54.719
"2, 5."

452
00:25:55.595 --> 00:25:58.265
"16, 17, got those back-to-back
on the second ticket."

453
00:25:58.348 --> 00:26:00.809
"Back-to-back, 16, 17, back-to-back…

454
00:26:01.560 --> 00:26:02.978
28, 31."

455
00:26:03.061 --> 00:26:06.690
"Thirty-one was the last number on--
That I got on the second ticket."

456
00:26:07.524 --> 00:26:11.069
This is the story that he's sharing
with humans.

457
00:26:11.152 --> 00:26:12.571
[audience laughing]

458
00:26:14.406 --> 00:26:15.699
"Third ticket…

459
00:26:16.950 --> 00:26:18.910
I picked a 2.  I'm always on a 2."

460
00:26:18.994 --> 00:26:21.121
"You know me, I always got the 2 covered."

461
00:26:23.832 --> 00:26:26.585
"I knew I had the 4 on the first ticket
and a 5 on the second,

462
00:26:26.668 --> 00:26:30.171
so I got the 6
on the third. 2, 6, 17, 19."

463
00:26:30.255 --> 00:26:32.299
"Decided to leapfrog over the 18."

464
00:26:33.216 --> 00:26:35.635
"Leapfrog action, landed on the 19."

465
00:26:35.719 --> 00:26:38.221
"43-- 43 was the last number
on the third ticket."

466
00:26:41.266 --> 00:26:42.100
"Fourth ticket."

467
00:26:42.183 --> 00:26:43.143
[audience laughing]

468
00:26:43.226 --> 00:26:45.520
"I picked the 2." Duh.

469
00:26:45.604 --> 00:26:46.855
[audience laughing]

470
00:26:46.938 --> 00:26:48.898
"I don't know why
I'm boring you with the 2."

471
00:26:48.982 --> 00:26:50.984
"You know me,
if I got a ticket, I got the 2."

472
00:26:51.067 --> 00:26:52.944
"Walking down the street holding a ticket,

473
00:26:53.028 --> 00:26:55.071
you don't have to look,
you know I got the 2."

474
00:26:55.155 --> 00:26:56.573
[audience laughing]

475
00:26:58.533 --> 00:26:59.409
"Anyway…

476
00:27:00.035 --> 00:27:02.412
I knew I had the 4, 5 and 6
on the other ticket,

477
00:27:02.495 --> 00:27:04.956
so I got them all  on that fourth ticket.
2, 4, 5, 6."

478
00:27:05.040 --> 00:27:06.583
"Something said, 'Get the 3.'"

479
00:27:06.666 --> 00:27:08.585
"Something said,
Go back and get that 3.'"

480
00:27:08.668 --> 00:27:12.047
"Something said, 'Jump on that 3.'
Something said, 'Nail down that 3.'"

481
00:27:12.130 --> 00:27:16.384
"So I get the 3.
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 17 and the 44."

482
00:27:16.468 --> 00:27:18.428
"And my thinking on the 44 was…

483
00:27:18.511 --> 00:27:19.596
'Hey, get the 44.'"

484
00:27:20.180 --> 00:27:21.681
[audience laughing]

485
00:27:23.892 --> 00:27:27.270
So as you can imagine,
everyone's jaws were agape.

486
00:27:27.354 --> 00:27:28.772
[audience laughing]

487
00:27:32.942 --> 00:27:37.697
So I wanted to throw the right log
on the fire to keep this baby burning.

488
00:27:37.781 --> 00:27:39.658
[audience laughing]

489
00:27:39.741 --> 00:27:42.202
When you got this kind of flame blazing,

490
00:27:42.285 --> 00:27:44.746
you can't risk having it smolder out.

491
00:27:45.413 --> 00:27:50.085
You want to throw the proper heat
in that direction, so I was like, "Whoo!"

492
00:27:50.168 --> 00:27:51.711
[audience laughing]

493
00:27:53.254 --> 00:27:54.756
"Woo-hoo!"

494
00:27:57.050 --> 00:27:58.426
"Crazy!"

495
00:27:58.510 --> 00:27:59.928
[audience laughing]

496
00:28:04.724 --> 00:28:05.767
"What happened?"

497
00:28:06.726 --> 00:28:08.311
"None of the tickets hit."

498
00:28:08.395 --> 00:28:09.688
[audience laughing]

499
00:28:09.771 --> 00:28:10.897
"Whoa!"

500
00:28:11.731 --> 00:28:13.441
"What a twist at the end."

501
00:28:13.525 --> 00:28:14.693
[audience laughing]

502
00:28:14.776 --> 00:28:16.736
"What a curveball finish."

503
00:28:16.820 --> 00:28:21.241
"I could have sworn
that was all going somewhere."

504
00:28:21.324 --> 00:28:22.784
[audience laughing]

505
00:28:22.867 --> 00:28:26.162
"Could have sworn it.
But you flipped the tables."

506
00:28:26.246 --> 00:28:30.291
"You managed
to follow nothing with less."

507
00:28:30.375 --> 00:28:32.377
[audience laughing
and applauding]

508
00:28:33.795 --> 00:28:35.422
[audience cheering]

509
00:28:41.052 --> 00:28:44.556
Losing lottery numbers
he shares as cocktail party banter.

510
00:28:44.639 --> 00:28:46.057
[audience laughing]

511
00:28:48.643 --> 00:28:50.562
So I didn't fit in with any of the groups.

512
00:28:50.645 --> 00:28:53.064
So I just went over and rearranged
some bookshelves.

513
00:28:53.148 --> 00:28:55.150
[audience laughing and applauding]

514
00:28:59.821 --> 00:29:02.157
If I do go to a party,
I need to stand, man.

515
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:04.701
I need to be able to pinball away
from situations.

516
00:29:04.784 --> 00:29:06.369
"Bing! That's not working."

517
00:29:06.453 --> 00:29:07.620
"Bing! Not for me."

518
00:29:08.246 --> 00:29:09.622
"Bing! Nope!"

519
00:29:09.706 --> 00:29:11.249
[audience laughing]

520
00:29:11.332 --> 00:29:13.668
Sitting is way too claustrophobic.

521
00:29:13.752 --> 00:29:15.253
Like a dinner party.

522
00:29:15.336 --> 00:29:17.881
You don't know who
you're going to be sitting next to.

523
00:29:17.964 --> 00:29:19.799
It could be two hours.
It's a crapshoot.

524
00:29:19.883 --> 00:29:23.762
"Brian, you're going to be sitting here
next to Donnie Doldrums."

525
00:29:24.387 --> 00:29:27.265
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Hey, how are you? Huh."

526
00:29:27.348 --> 00:29:28.558
[audience laughing]

527
00:29:29.517 --> 00:29:33.313
"You missed the beginning of this.
I was telling everybody

528
00:29:33.396 --> 00:29:38.067
about how our Des Moines office
had an administrative meeting."

529
00:29:38.818 --> 00:29:41.154
"And as a result of that meeting,

530
00:29:41.237 --> 00:29:45.909
we realized that the factory output
in our northeast quadrant…

531
00:29:46.534 --> 00:29:50.371
was substandard in relation
to what we had anticipated

532
00:29:50.914 --> 00:29:54.459
after bringing in a consulting team
from Peoria."

533
00:29:54.542 --> 00:29:56.544
[audience laughing]

534
00:29:56.628 --> 00:29:58.671
My face is in the mashed potatoes,

535
00:29:58.755 --> 00:30:01.549
just blowing brown gravy bubbles.

536
00:30:01.633 --> 00:30:02.717
[blowing raspberries]

537
00:30:02.801 --> 00:30:03.927
[audience laughing]

538
00:30:06.137 --> 00:30:08.389
"No, don't revive me. Don't revive me."

539
00:30:08.473 --> 00:30:09.474
[continues blowing]

540
00:30:09.557 --> 00:30:11.601
"It's in my living will. Let me be."

541
00:30:11.726 --> 00:30:13.436
[continues blowing]

542
00:30:21.027 --> 00:30:22.695
I don't like dinner parties.

543
00:30:24.113 --> 00:30:26.115
I don't like restaurants either.

544
00:30:26.199 --> 00:30:29.035
One reason is,  I don't like mushrooms.

545
00:30:29.118 --> 00:30:31.037
-[audience laughing]
-[woman whooping]

546
00:30:31.621 --> 00:30:32.997
I don't like mushrooms.

547
00:30:33.623 --> 00:30:35.416
People say, "What's the big deal?"

548
00:30:35.542 --> 00:30:37.919
"Just make sure
you never order mushrooms."

549
00:30:38.002 --> 00:30:39.963
All right, let me explain the problem.

550
00:30:40.046 --> 00:30:41.548
[audience laughing]

551
00:30:41.631 --> 00:30:47.303
There is not a food on earth
that is more often put onto and into

552
00:30:47.387 --> 00:30:51.474
other foods without anybody ever asking…

553
00:30:52.642 --> 00:30:54.143
than mushrooms.

554
00:30:54.727 --> 00:30:57.063
It's happened too many times to count.

555
00:30:57.146 --> 00:30:59.566
"Here's that chicken dinner you ordered."

556
00:31:03.027 --> 00:31:05.280
"And you'll be happy to notice…

557
00:31:05.363 --> 00:31:06.865
[audience laughing]

558
00:31:06.948 --> 00:31:09.576
that it is smothered…

559
00:31:11.202 --> 00:31:13.454
with mushrooms."

560
00:31:14.622 --> 00:31:15.748
"Oh, I did notice."

561
00:31:17.250 --> 00:31:20.962
"I didn't order mushrooms.
It doesn't say mushrooms on the menu."

562
00:31:21.045 --> 00:31:23.131
"You don't have to worry about that."

563
00:31:24.424 --> 00:31:26.885
"You had nothing to do with this."

564
00:31:28.136 --> 00:31:31.264
"We decided all by ourselves…

565
00:31:32.140 --> 00:31:33.850
when we were in the kitchen,

566
00:31:33.933 --> 00:31:36.352
with no input from you."

567
00:31:36.436 --> 00:31:41.065
"We unilaterally decided to smother

568
00:31:42.025 --> 00:31:45.153
[yelling] everything you love in life…

569
00:31:45.236 --> 00:31:46.195
[audience laughing]

570
00:31:46.279 --> 00:31:48.573
with mushrooms!"

571
00:31:48.656 --> 00:31:50.491
[audience cheering and applauding]

572
00:31:58.708 --> 00:32:01.002
I don't know if I made this clear:
I don't like mushrooms.

573
00:32:01.085 --> 00:32:02.503
[audience laughing]

574
00:32:04.422 --> 00:32:06.132
I don't like raisins either.

575
00:32:07.634 --> 00:32:11.095
Not to the degree of mushrooms,
I just don't like raisins.

576
00:32:11.179 --> 00:32:15.016
But I'm intrigued when people try
to talk me into liking raisins.

577
00:32:16.225 --> 00:32:18.061
Like it's a psychological flaw.

578
00:32:18.144 --> 00:32:19.896
[audience laughing]

579
00:32:19.979 --> 00:32:21.731
People love to go, "Brian…

580
00:32:22.231 --> 00:32:23.858
[audience laughing]

581
00:32:29.948 --> 00:32:32.617
do you like grapes?"

582
00:32:32.700 --> 00:32:33.952
[audience laughing]

583
00:32:36.746 --> 00:32:37.914
Here we go.

584
00:32:39.332 --> 00:32:41.709
"Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes."

585
00:32:42.627 --> 00:32:43.795
"Well…

586
00:32:43.878 --> 00:32:45.296
[audience laughing]

587
00:32:52.011 --> 00:32:53.930
raisins…

588
00:32:58.601 --> 00:33:02.605
are just dried-up grapes!"

589
00:33:02.689 --> 00:33:04.023
[audience laughing]

590
00:33:05.566 --> 00:33:06.567
"Oh."

591
00:33:07.402 --> 00:33:09.153
"Oh, I've loved them all along."

592
00:33:09.237 --> 00:33:10.238
[audience laughing]

593
00:33:10.321 --> 00:33:11.864
"I had no idea."

594
00:33:15.618 --> 00:33:17.704
So I love to hit them back with…

595
00:33:18.538 --> 00:33:21.082
"Do you like ham sandwiches?"

596
00:33:21.165 --> 00:33:22.583
[audience laughing]

597
00:33:24.252 --> 00:33:25.920
"You do?"

598
00:33:27.380 --> 00:33:28.715
"Well…

599
00:33:29.924 --> 00:33:32.969
would you like if I put one outside…

600
00:33:33.720 --> 00:33:35.555
for three weeks…

601
00:33:36.347 --> 00:33:38.558
in the broiling sun…

602
00:33:39.350 --> 00:33:41.269
on a picnic table,

603
00:33:41.352 --> 00:33:45.690
so it shriveled up
to the point of unrecognizability…

604
00:33:46.274 --> 00:33:48.151
[in high-pitched voice]
and put it on a plate

605
00:33:48.234 --> 00:33:50.069
and gave it to you?"

606
00:33:50.153 --> 00:33:52.071
"Would you like that?"

607
00:33:52.155 --> 00:33:53.322
[audience laughing]

608
00:33:54.323 --> 00:33:55.366
"Well?"

609
00:33:55.992 --> 00:33:59.787
"It's just a ham sandwich!"

610
00:33:59.871 --> 00:34:01.873
[audience cheering and applauding]

611
00:34:14.427 --> 00:34:16.262
[in regular voice]
It's not a grape now.

612
00:34:16.345 --> 00:34:17.764
[audience laughing]

613
00:34:20.683 --> 00:34:22.518
I do like mayonnaise.

614
00:34:26.189 --> 00:34:28.649
I like mayonnaise to the degree

615
00:34:28.733 --> 00:34:31.611
that it had to come
into a New Year's resolution.

616
00:34:31.694 --> 00:34:33.112
[audience laughing]

617
00:34:34.947 --> 00:34:36.491
It was a New Year's resolution

618
00:34:36.574 --> 00:34:40.661
that I could not order extra mayonnaise
on my sandwiches.

619
00:34:41.954 --> 00:34:45.333
I could order mayonnaise,
but I couldn't use the word "extra."

620
00:34:46.042 --> 00:34:49.170
I found out very quickly
I wasn't getting enough mayonnaise.

621
00:34:49.253 --> 00:34:51.047
[audience laughing]

622
00:34:51.130 --> 00:34:55.760
But I didn't want to break my resolution.
So here's how I would order lunch.

623
00:34:55.843 --> 00:34:57.136
"Um, Hi. Uh…

624
00:34:57.637 --> 00:34:59.639
I would like a turkey sandwich

625
00:35:00.431 --> 00:35:03.726
with Swiss cheese, lettuce, and, uh…

626
00:35:04.310 --> 00:35:05.520
[clears throat]

627
00:35:06.270 --> 00:35:08.314
mayonnaise!"

628
00:35:08.397 --> 00:35:09.816
[audience laughing]

629
00:35:14.946 --> 00:35:17.156
"You hear what I'm saying here?"

630
00:35:17.240 --> 00:35:20.535
"I want mayonnaise!"

631
00:35:20.618 --> 00:35:22.078
[audience laughing]

632
00:35:23.913 --> 00:35:27.792
"Capital M, A, Y…

633
00:35:29.168 --> 00:35:30.545
[audience laughing]

634
00:35:31.337 --> 00:35:37.510
and the rest of the letters
that are necessary for 'mayonnaise.'"

635
00:35:37.593 --> 00:35:39.637
[audience cheering and applauding]

636
00:35:50.022 --> 00:35:53.276
Hey, I saw something interesting today
on social media.

637
00:35:53.776 --> 00:35:56.737
Somebody posted a very strong
political opinion.

638
00:35:58.322 --> 00:35:59.949
And somebody replied,

639
00:36:00.032 --> 00:36:02.076
"Good point. I changed my mind."

640
00:36:02.160 --> 00:36:04.620
[audience laughing and applauding]

641
00:36:06.539 --> 00:36:07.582
[audience cheering]

642
00:36:11.335 --> 00:36:14.213
No, I'm sorry. I saw a unicorn.
I saw a unicorn.

643
00:36:14.755 --> 00:36:17.300
I saw a purple glittery flying unicorn.

644
00:36:18.467 --> 00:36:20.428
Here's something I've learned
about social media:

645
00:36:21.012 --> 00:36:22.930
the expression "just saying"…

646
00:36:23.973 --> 00:36:26.392
ain't never preceded by a compliment.

647
00:36:26.475 --> 00:36:28.352
[audience laughing]

648
00:36:30.479 --> 00:36:34.150
When I tweet,
I never want to try to sound too young.

649
00:36:34.233 --> 00:36:38.237
But I also don't want to sound too old.
And I saw Metallica in concert.

650
00:36:38.321 --> 00:36:39.197
They're great.

651
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:40.865
[audience cheering]

652
00:36:40.948 --> 00:36:42.992
I wanted to tweet that they were great,

653
00:36:43.075 --> 00:36:45.828
but I didn't want to come off
like an old fuddy-duddy.

654
00:36:46.370 --> 00:36:49.790
But I also didn't want to try to sound
like a young whippersnapper.

655
00:36:49.874 --> 00:36:51.292
[audience laughing]

656
00:36:52.293 --> 00:36:55.963
So I settled on, "Boy, these fellas
sure know how to boogie."

657
00:36:56.047 --> 00:36:57.465
[audience laughing]

658
00:36:59.675 --> 00:37:01.385
I think I hit the sweet spot.

659
00:37:02.637 --> 00:37:05.223
All my followers thought
I was the cat's pajamas.

660
00:37:05.306 --> 00:37:06.724
[audience laughing]

661
00:37:08.726 --> 00:37:10.311
"Pajamas" is a funny word.

662
00:37:10.895 --> 00:37:12.021
I like words.

663
00:37:12.897 --> 00:37:15.524
What is the smallest?
"Tiny," "teeny…"

664
00:37:16.150 --> 00:37:17.485
"itty-bitty…"

665
00:37:18.486 --> 00:37:19.487
"itsy-bitsy…"

666
00:37:20.071 --> 00:37:21.239
"teeny-weeny…"

667
00:37:21.739 --> 00:37:23.199
or "teensy-weensy"?

668
00:37:23.282 --> 00:37:24.700
[audience laughing]

669
00:37:25.576 --> 00:37:27.578
Kind of stuff keeps me up late at night.

670
00:37:27.662 --> 00:37:28.913
[audience laughing]

671
00:37:29.789 --> 00:37:33.334
Scientists need to know
when they're looking in microscopes.

672
00:37:33.417 --> 00:37:36.712
"I would describe this amoeba…

673
00:37:39.048 --> 00:37:40.466
as itty-bitty."

674
00:37:40.549 --> 00:37:42.218
[audience laughing]

675
00:37:42.301 --> 00:37:44.971
"Professor, come over here.
See if you concur."

676
00:37:45.054 --> 00:37:48.015
"See if you concur
that this amoeba is itty-bitty."

677
00:37:48.099 --> 00:37:49.809
"Let me take a look at that."

678
00:37:51.018 --> 00:37:52.728
"That's not itty-bitty."

679
00:37:53.437 --> 00:37:55.147
"That's teensy-weensy."

680
00:37:55.231 --> 00:37:56.607
[audience laughing]

681
00:37:58.818 --> 00:38:01.654
How come only small stuff
gets cute nicknames?

682
00:38:02.405 --> 00:38:05.574
How come we don't say the planet Jupiter
is biggy-wiggy?

683
00:38:05.658 --> 00:38:07.076
[audience laughing]

684
00:38:08.327 --> 00:38:11.372
"The universe is hugey-magroojy!"

685
00:38:11.455 --> 00:38:12.873
[audience laughing]

686
00:38:13.916 --> 00:38:15.543
I love space stuff.

687
00:38:15.626 --> 00:38:18.879
I saw a scientist on TV say they know,

688
00:38:18.963 --> 00:38:22.133
if they build a space probe
to explore distant galaxies

689
00:38:22.216 --> 00:38:23.301
and shoot it out,

690
00:38:23.384 --> 00:38:24.885
that a hundred years from now

691
00:38:24.969 --> 00:38:28.222
we'll be able to build a better,
faster space probe

692
00:38:28.306 --> 00:38:31.726
that will catch and pass that first one
before it ever gets anywhere.

693
00:38:31.809 --> 00:38:32.852
[audience laughing]

694
00:38:36.439 --> 00:38:37.857
So the message is clear.

695
00:38:39.150 --> 00:38:40.693
Everything we do today…

696
00:38:41.235 --> 00:38:42.486
is a waste of time.

697
00:38:42.570 --> 00:38:43.904
[audience laughing]

698
00:38:45.823 --> 00:38:47.658
[audience applauding and cheering]

699
00:38:51.912 --> 00:38:54.373
We do send rovers up to Mars.

700
00:38:54.874 --> 00:38:56.417
They're analyzing rocks.

701
00:38:57.418 --> 00:39:01.172
And some scientists think some
of the rocks are from volcanoes.

702
00:39:01.255 --> 00:39:02.423
[chuckles] Okay.

703
00:39:02.506 --> 00:39:03.632
[audience laughing]

704
00:39:03.716 --> 00:39:06.344
If they expect me to believe
that volcanoes…

705
00:39:06.844 --> 00:39:07.928
blew rocks…

706
00:39:09.221 --> 00:39:10.639
all the way to Mars…

707
00:39:10.723 --> 00:39:12.266
[audience laughing]

708
00:39:16.354 --> 00:39:19.565
Even Vesuvius in its heyday
didn't have that kind of oomph.

709
00:39:19.648 --> 00:39:21.067
[audience laughing]

710
00:39:22.651 --> 00:39:24.653
We're looking for water on Mars.

711
00:39:24.737 --> 00:39:27.490
We're wheeling all around
trying to find water.

712
00:39:27.573 --> 00:39:28.991
Have we given up here?

713
00:39:29.075 --> 00:39:30.409
[audience laughing]

714
00:39:30.493 --> 00:39:33.746
I want to bring the scientists
over to my kitchen sink.

715
00:39:34.455 --> 00:39:35.873
"Look what I discovered."

716
00:39:38.042 --> 00:39:39.585
"When I pull this up…

717
00:39:40.669 --> 00:39:43.464
water shoots out of the end
of this thing."

718
00:39:43.547 --> 00:39:44.882
[audience laughing]

719
00:39:45.549 --> 00:39:47.301
"How's it going on Mars?"

720
00:39:48.636 --> 00:39:50.846
"Because this appears to be endless."

721
00:39:52.056 --> 00:39:54.934
"Get some science jugs
and fill those babies up,

722
00:39:55.017 --> 00:39:57.603
because I have hit
the moisture mother lode."

723
00:39:57.686 --> 00:39:59.313
[audience laughing]

724
00:40:02.817 --> 00:40:05.945
They're looking for water
to see if there's life on Mars.

725
00:40:06.028 --> 00:40:09.323
And I've always wondered,
what if there is life on Mars…

726
00:40:09.407 --> 00:40:11.158
but it's teensy-weensy?

727
00:40:11.242 --> 00:40:12.743
[audience laughing]

728
00:40:12.827 --> 00:40:15.496
And we're just crushing it
with our rovers.

729
00:40:15.579 --> 00:40:17.206
[audience laughing]

730
00:40:17.289 --> 00:40:18.541
The camera on the front:

731
00:40:18.624 --> 00:40:21.585
"Everything appears to be
dry and desolate."

732
00:40:21.669 --> 00:40:22.711
Under the wheels:

733
00:40:22.795 --> 00:40:23.963
[screams]

734
00:40:24.046 --> 00:40:25.089
[audience laughing]

735
00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:27.883
We're just mushing Martians into mulch.

736
00:40:28.926 --> 00:40:30.428
"What's that green streak?"

737
00:40:30.511 --> 00:40:31.929
[audience laughing]

738
00:40:36.642 --> 00:40:39.437
I was 11 years old
when we landed on the moon.

739
00:40:39.520 --> 00:40:42.148
Our whole family was gathered
around a TV.

740
00:40:42.231 --> 00:40:46.527
My parents raised some good kids.
I didn't pursue a life of crime.

741
00:40:47.528 --> 00:40:48.946
[audience laughing]

742
00:40:51.115 --> 00:40:54.368
One reason, I remember that expression
when I was a kid:

743
00:40:54.452 --> 00:40:56.162
"crime does not pay."

744
00:40:58.247 --> 00:41:01.208
Crime does not pay?
That's why we shouldn't do it?

745
00:41:01.292 --> 00:41:03.961
"Do you do crime?"
"Oh, well, I love crime."

746
00:41:05.129 --> 00:41:09.341
"I love almost everything about crime.
Crime is fantastic."

747
00:41:09.425 --> 00:41:12.011
"You don't have to sell me
on that side of the equation."

748
00:41:12.094 --> 00:41:13.304
[audience laughing]

749
00:41:14.138 --> 00:41:15.389
"The reason…

750
00:41:16.515 --> 00:41:19.602
the reason that I don't do crime…

751
00:41:21.270 --> 00:41:23.105
and I've crunched the numbers…

752
00:41:23.189 --> 00:41:24.607
[audience laughing]

753
00:41:26.317 --> 00:41:27.651
it doesn't pay!"

754
00:41:27.735 --> 00:41:29.361
[audience laughing]

755
00:41:29.445 --> 00:41:32.490
"Sure, if it paid,
I'd be doing crime left and right."

756
00:41:32.573 --> 00:41:36.619
"But crime doesn't pay,
so that's why I don't do crime."

757
00:41:36.702 --> 00:41:38.037
[audience laughing]

758
00:41:40.956 --> 00:41:43.209
Another crime motto even more twisted:

759
00:41:43.292 --> 00:41:44.668
"Don't do the crime…

760
00:41:45.794 --> 00:41:48.339
-if you can't do the time."
-[audience] "If you can't do the time."

761
00:41:49.256 --> 00:41:50.090
Damn.

762
00:41:51.091 --> 00:41:54.803
I'm intrigued that the motto isn't,
"Don't do the crime…

763
00:41:56.305 --> 00:41:58.307
because that would be wrong."

764
00:41:58.390 --> 00:41:59.808
[audience laughing]

765
00:42:01.519 --> 00:42:03.354
[audience cheering and applauding]

766
00:42:08.943 --> 00:42:12.279
They have to make it a choice
between two selfish options?

767
00:42:12.363 --> 00:42:14.532
"Oh, that crime? I want to do it!"

768
00:42:15.032 --> 00:42:18.035
"That's a great crime.
I want to do that crime."

769
00:42:18.118 --> 00:42:22.706
The problem, though,
with that particular crime,

770
00:42:22.790 --> 00:42:26.502
it's 15 years in the federal penitentiary.

771
00:42:26.585 --> 00:42:27.878
[grunts loudly]

772
00:42:27.962 --> 00:42:29.129
[audience laughing]

773
00:42:29.213 --> 00:42:30.214
[yells]

774
00:42:31.173 --> 00:42:32.550
"I don't have the time!"

775
00:42:32.633 --> 00:42:34.051
[audience laughing]

776
00:42:36.220 --> 00:42:39.640
"I wish I could,
but I have a family and dreams."

777
00:42:39.723 --> 00:42:40.933
[audience laughing]

778
00:42:41.016 --> 00:42:43.477
"I don't have enough time
to do that crime."

779
00:42:44.728 --> 00:42:47.147
"Now this crime, on the other hand,

780
00:42:47.231 --> 00:42:49.650
one month in the county jail?"

781
00:42:50.776 --> 00:42:52.528
[audience laughing]

782
00:42:52.611 --> 00:42:53.696
"I'm doing it!"

783
00:42:54.572 --> 00:42:57.449
"I have enough time.
I have enough time to do that crime."

784
00:42:57.533 --> 00:42:58.492
[audience laughing]

785
00:42:58.576 --> 00:43:02.705
"I base my crime decisions on how much
time I have available in my calendar."

786
00:43:02.788 --> 00:43:04.498
"That's what I've been taught."

787
00:43:06.542 --> 00:43:07.960
That's us teaching us.

788
00:43:10.754 --> 00:43:12.464
As much as I'm against crime,

789
00:43:12.548 --> 00:43:15.301
there are things we do to criminals
that I think are unfair.

790
00:43:15.384 --> 00:43:18.220
I think it's unfair
that tampering with evidence

791
00:43:18.304 --> 00:43:22.266
is an additional crime
on top of the actual crime.

792
00:43:22.349 --> 00:43:23.642
[audience laughing]

793
00:43:23.726 --> 00:43:25.060
Talk about piling on.

794
00:43:27.104 --> 00:43:30.190
Anything that would be done naturally
during the scope of the crime

795
00:43:30.274 --> 00:43:32.151
should just be part of the crime.

796
00:43:32.234 --> 00:43:33.569
[audience laughing]

797
00:43:34.445 --> 00:43:35.571
Tampering with evidence.

798
00:43:35.654 --> 00:43:39.074
Has any criminal ever taken that
into consideration…

799
00:43:39.158 --> 00:43:41.201
when fleeing the scene of a crime?

800
00:43:41.285 --> 00:43:43.412
"All right, let's get out of here!"

801
00:43:45.289 --> 00:43:47.416
"Toby, what are you doing?"

802
00:43:48.000 --> 00:43:51.712
"I'm wiping up the fingerprints
and getting rid of everything."

803
00:43:53.714 --> 00:43:54.965
"Are you crazy?"

804
00:43:55.049 --> 00:43:56.383
[audience laughing]

805
00:43:57.426 --> 00:43:58.677
"That's a crime!"

806
00:43:58.761 --> 00:44:00.179
[audience laughing]

807
00:44:02.556 --> 00:44:04.224
"You're going to get us in trouble!"

808
00:44:04.308 --> 00:44:05.934
[audience laughing]

809
00:44:09.813 --> 00:44:13.317
You're not allowed to tamper with evidence
after you commit a crime.

810
00:44:17.029 --> 00:44:18.238
You're not allowed.

811
00:44:21.033 --> 00:44:24.286
Has any criminal ever
not tampered with evidence…

812
00:44:25.496 --> 00:44:27.414
and gotten anything out of that?

813
00:44:28.415 --> 00:44:31.502
"You've been found guilty
of the crime in question."

814
00:44:32.336 --> 00:44:38.300
"Your penalty: life in prison
without the possibility of parole."

815
00:44:41.595 --> 00:44:42.429
"But…

816
00:44:42.513 --> 00:44:43.764
[audience laughing]

817
00:44:44.556 --> 00:44:47.768
we do want to note you were nice enough
not to tamper with the evidence."

818
00:44:47.851 --> 00:44:49.228
[audience laughing]

819
00:44:51.939 --> 00:44:56.694
"In fact, the lead investigator said
it was the most pristine crime scene…

820
00:44:58.028 --> 00:45:01.824
he'd ever happened upon
in his entire illustrious career."

821
00:45:02.908 --> 00:45:05.494
"So as a tip of the hat,
you get to choose…

822
00:45:06.203 --> 00:45:07.579
top bunk or bottom."

823
00:45:07.663 --> 00:45:09.498
[audience laughing and cheering]

824
00:45:14.336 --> 00:45:19.049
I saw a thing on the news,  a judge
dismissed a case without prejudice.

825
00:45:19.842 --> 00:45:20.926
Whoa.

826
00:45:21.885 --> 00:45:23.595
Shouldn't that always be the case?

827
00:45:23.679 --> 00:45:24.888
[audience laughing]

828
00:45:24.972 --> 00:45:26.390
How else would you do that?

829
00:45:26.473 --> 00:45:29.935
"Case dismissed.
And it's because you're white like me."

830
00:45:30.018 --> 00:45:31.645
[audience laughing]

831
00:45:33.522 --> 00:45:35.482
"Get out of here, you knucklehead."

832
00:45:35.566 --> 00:45:37.568
[audience laughing and applauding]

833
00:45:44.992 --> 00:45:47.911
If the defendant does not take the stand
in his defense…

834
00:45:48.495 --> 00:45:51.457
the judge has to instruct the jury
something to this effect:

835
00:45:51.540 --> 00:45:55.669
"Notice in this trial the defendant chose
not to take the stand in his defense."

836
00:45:55.753 --> 00:45:58.213
"You are not allowed to weigh that
one way or the other

837
00:45:58.297 --> 00:46:00.007
while considering
the rest of the evidence."

838
00:46:00.674 --> 00:46:04.803
I understand the need for instructions.
I think they should just tweak them a tad.

839
00:46:04.887 --> 00:46:07.723
I think the judge should say,
"You might notice in this trial,

840
00:46:07.806 --> 00:46:10.601
the defendant chose not
to take the stand in his defense."

841
00:46:11.518 --> 00:46:13.771
"We just want you to know that means…

842
00:46:14.354 --> 00:46:15.522
[clears throat]

843
00:46:15.606 --> 00:46:17.065
[audience laughing]

844
00:46:18.567 --> 00:46:21.195
[clearing throat loudly]

845
00:46:27.367 --> 00:46:29.411
you can start validating parking."

846
00:46:29.495 --> 00:46:30.913
[audience laughing]

847
00:46:33.415 --> 00:46:36.126
I can't even imagine
not taking the stand in my defense

848
00:46:36.210 --> 00:46:37.836
if I was innocent of something.

849
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:39.630
You imagine your lawyer asking you,

850
00:46:39.713 --> 00:46:42.049
"Do you want to go tell him
you didn't do it?"

851
00:46:43.217 --> 00:46:45.219
"I'm awfully bashful."

852
00:46:45.302 --> 00:46:46.720
[audience laughing]

853
00:46:49.014 --> 00:46:52.643
"I know, but they're thinking of
throwing you in the electric chair, so…

854
00:46:52.726 --> 00:46:54.895
maybe if you could muscle through
your discomfort."

855
00:46:54.978 --> 00:46:56.271
[audience laughing]

856
00:46:58.106 --> 00:46:59.983
"I'll take my chances."

857
00:47:00.067 --> 00:47:01.652
[audience laughing]

858
00:47:03.779 --> 00:47:05.614
"Fire up the chair, Your Honor."

859
00:47:06.490 --> 00:47:07.866
"What do you want from me?"

860
00:47:11.119 --> 00:47:15.749
I heard some states carry out
capital punishment at 7:00 in the morning.

861
00:47:15.833 --> 00:47:17.167
Talk about cruel.

862
00:47:17.251 --> 00:47:18.752
[audience laughing]

863
00:47:18.836 --> 00:47:21.463
Is that guy supposed to get some sleep
the night before?

864
00:47:21.547 --> 00:47:23.882
"Yeah, I think I'm going to hit the rack."

865
00:47:23.966 --> 00:47:25.342
"Get some shut-eye."

866
00:47:27.135 --> 00:47:28.971
"Yup, got a short day tomorrow."

867
00:47:29.054 --> 00:47:30.472
[audience laughing]

868
00:47:33.851 --> 00:47:35.727
I'll tell you what should be a crime:

869
00:47:35.811 --> 00:47:39.565
people boarding planes
while wearing backpacks.

870
00:47:39.648 --> 00:47:41.567
[audience cheering and applauding]

871
00:47:41.650 --> 00:47:44.236
If you're someone who does that,
a little heads-up:

872
00:47:44.319 --> 00:47:47.447
your backpacks
are hitting people in the face.

873
00:47:47.531 --> 00:47:50.492
-[audience laughing]
-[imitating thudding]

874
00:47:54.538 --> 00:47:56.999
"I only care about what's in front of me!"

875
00:47:57.082 --> 00:47:58.333
[imitates thudding]

876
00:47:58.417 --> 00:48:00.919
"The hell with everything in my wake!"

877
00:48:01.712 --> 00:48:02.880
[imitates thudding]

878
00:48:02.963 --> 00:48:04.339
[audience laughing]

879
00:48:06.091 --> 00:48:08.719
You know when you sit
in the emergency exit row seat

880
00:48:08.802 --> 00:48:11.054
and you agree to save everyone…

881
00:48:11.138 --> 00:48:12.681
[audience laughing]

882
00:48:12.764 --> 00:48:16.268
how come when the flight is over,
no one thanks you?

883
00:48:16.351 --> 00:48:18.353
[audience laughing and applauding]

884
00:48:20.480 --> 00:48:21.648
Seriously.

885
00:48:24.818 --> 00:48:27.404
It's amazing what you might have done.

886
00:48:27.487 --> 00:48:29.740
You'd think someone
would take note of that.

887
00:48:29.823 --> 00:48:32.409
"Hey, I heard what went down
before takeoff."

888
00:48:33.452 --> 00:48:34.286
"Thank you."

889
00:48:35.037 --> 00:48:37.748
"The fact that you were willing
to put your life on the line

890
00:48:37.831 --> 00:48:41.293
to save me, my family
and all the other souls on this plane

891
00:48:41.376 --> 00:48:43.337
is nothing short of outstanding."

892
00:48:43.420 --> 00:48:45.339
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

893
00:48:45.839 --> 00:48:48.091
No, just a backpack
to the back of the head.

894
00:48:48.175 --> 00:48:49.134
[imitates thudding]

895
00:48:49.217 --> 00:48:51.678
"I was an almost-responder!"

896
00:48:51.762 --> 00:48:53.180
[audience laughing]

897
00:48:55.974 --> 00:48:57.851
[cheers and applause]

898
00:49:04.650 --> 00:49:05.859
I like to be thanked.

899
00:49:06.610 --> 00:49:10.614
That's why I know I would never be good
at that animal rescue stuff.

900
00:49:12.866 --> 00:49:14.409
I wouldn't be good at it.

901
00:49:14.993 --> 00:49:19.373
You ever see news footage
of some wild horse stuck in a ravine?

902
00:49:19.456 --> 00:49:23.001
They got to bring trucks in,
and chains, and harnesses,

903
00:49:23.085 --> 00:49:25.545
and figure out how to get down
into the ravine,

904
00:49:25.629 --> 00:49:28.840
and get the harness around this horse
while it's going berserk,

905
00:49:28.924 --> 00:49:31.593
pull this thing out
while it's kicking and going nuts,

906
00:49:31.677 --> 00:49:34.346
get close enough to get the harness off
without getting hurt,

907
00:49:34.429 --> 00:49:37.265
and soon as they do,
it just hauls into the woods.

908
00:49:37.349 --> 00:49:38.225
"Hey!"

909
00:49:38.308 --> 00:49:39.726
[audience laughing]

910
00:49:45.273 --> 00:49:48.986
I would want the horse to stop
somewhere before the tree line.

911
00:49:49.069 --> 00:49:50.445
Clippity-cloppity clip.

912
00:49:51.822 --> 00:49:52.948
"Thanks."

913
00:49:53.031 --> 00:49:54.449
[audience laughing]

914
00:49:55.534 --> 00:49:57.828
Then do that up-on-the-hind-leg thing.

915
00:49:57.911 --> 00:49:59.705
[neighing]

916
00:50:01.707 --> 00:50:02.958
Then haul into the woods.

917
00:50:03.041 --> 00:50:04.001
[audience laughing]

918
00:50:04.084 --> 00:50:05.669
Am I asking for too much?

919
00:50:08.630 --> 00:50:13.010
All I'm saying is if I scrub oil
off a duck with a toothbrush…

920
00:50:13.093 --> 00:50:14.511
[audience laughing]

921
00:50:15.554 --> 00:50:17.472
I'm going to want a little quack-you.

922
00:50:17.556 --> 00:50:18.974
[audience laughing]

923
00:50:20.934 --> 00:50:23.603
Turn your little duck head
and go, "Thanks."

924
00:50:24.730 --> 00:50:26.481
That's all I needed from you.

925
00:50:27.649 --> 00:50:29.901
"Wouldn't have been able to do this
without you."

926
00:50:29.985 --> 00:50:31.028
"Yeah, I know."

927
00:50:32.571 --> 00:50:34.364
"People are smarter than animals."

928
00:50:34.448 --> 00:50:35.866
[audience laughing]

929
00:50:37.200 --> 00:50:38.827
[cheering and applause]

930
00:50:44.124 --> 00:50:47.502
"With all due respect, I wouldn't have
oil on me if it weren't for people."

931
00:50:47.586 --> 00:50:48.837
[audience laughing]

932
00:50:49.629 --> 00:50:50.505
"Just saying."

933
00:50:52.007 --> 00:50:54.593
"Somebody shut this stupid
talking duck up."

934
00:50:54.676 --> 00:50:55.969
[audience laughing]

935
00:50:56.053 --> 00:50:57.596
"Stupid talking duck."

936
00:50:59.973 --> 00:51:01.725
[audience cheering and applauding]

937
00:51:07.064 --> 00:51:09.483
This is a beautiful venue. Look at this.

938
00:51:09.566 --> 00:51:11.318
[audience cheering and applauding]

939
00:51:14.071 --> 00:51:14.905
Amazing.

940
00:51:18.033 --> 00:51:20.452
I get to play some pretty cool places.

941
00:51:20.535 --> 00:51:23.080
Some places I play have an orchestra pit.

942
00:51:23.580 --> 00:51:25.499
Those words don't belong together.

943
00:51:26.416 --> 00:51:28.460
"Orchestra." "Pit!"

944
00:51:28.543 --> 00:51:29.503
[audience laughing]

945
00:51:29.586 --> 00:51:31.713
The people who work there
look tremendous.

946
00:51:31.797 --> 00:51:34.091
They come in in gowns and tuxedos.

947
00:51:34.174 --> 00:51:35.926
Man, you guys look amazing.

948
00:51:36.009 --> 00:51:37.427
Oh, you're in the orchestra.

949
00:51:37.511 --> 00:51:40.639
"Get in the pit! Get in the pit!"

950
00:51:40.722 --> 00:51:43.517
"Get down in the pit!"

951
00:51:44.226 --> 00:51:45.310
"Get in the pit!"

952
00:51:45.393 --> 00:51:46.978
[audience laughing]

953
00:51:47.562 --> 00:51:50.524
Why do they have to dress so nice?
You can't even see them.

954
00:51:50.607 --> 00:51:52.067
[audience laughing]

955
00:51:52.150 --> 00:51:54.694
At the end of the show,
they stand up and bow.

956
00:51:54.778 --> 00:51:57.280
At best you see their eyebrows.
"Thank you."

957
00:51:57.989 --> 00:51:59.908
"Thank you very much."

958
00:51:59.991 --> 00:52:03.787
"Thank-- I'm wearing $90 socks
for some reason, thank you."

959
00:52:04.538 --> 00:52:05.997
"Thank you, thank you."

960
00:52:08.875 --> 00:52:09.960
You know what kills me?

961
00:52:10.043 --> 00:52:12.212
When you go to a show
that has an orchestra,

962
00:52:12.295 --> 00:52:15.632
how come as you're walking in,
they're practicing?

963
00:52:17.467 --> 00:52:19.052
I never understood that.

964
00:52:19.136 --> 00:52:20.595
You're walking in, you're hearing:

965
00:52:20.679 --> 00:52:22.139
[imitates horn blowing low notes]

966
00:52:22.222 --> 00:52:23.640
[audience laughing]

967
00:52:23.723 --> 00:52:25.350
[imitates playing high notes]

968
00:52:25.433 --> 00:52:27.894
[imitates alternating
high and low notes]

969
00:52:27.978 --> 00:52:29.020
"Hey, uh…

970
00:52:30.814 --> 00:52:31.940
doors are open."

971
00:52:32.023 --> 00:52:33.441
[audience laughing]

972
00:52:34.734 --> 00:52:36.987
"Paid a lot of money for these tickets."

973
00:52:38.488 --> 00:52:40.907
"Could you all practice
before we get here?"

974
00:52:40.991 --> 00:52:43.451
[imitates playing low notes]

975
00:52:43.535 --> 00:52:46.037
"I bet we're going to be hearing
that again later."

976
00:52:46.121 --> 00:52:48.206
-[audience laughing]
-[imitates low notes]

977
00:52:48.290 --> 00:52:50.333
[imitating playing rapid high notes]

978
00:52:50.417 --> 00:52:52.669
"Bet something's going to fly
in this show."

979
00:52:52.752 --> 00:52:53.879
[audience laughing]

980
00:52:55.797 --> 00:52:56.631
What is that?

981
00:52:56.756 --> 00:53:00.677
You don't want to see the actor practicing
as you're walking in.

982
00:53:00.760 --> 00:53:04.306
"To be, or not to--
No, too big. Too big. Bring it down."

983
00:53:05.515 --> 00:53:08.268
"To be-- Nope, too subtle.
Split the difference."

984
00:53:09.895 --> 00:53:11.771
"To be-- Oh, they're coming in."

985
00:53:11.855 --> 00:53:13.356
[audience laughing]

986
00:53:17.652 --> 00:53:19.070
[audience applauding]

987
00:53:21.198 --> 00:53:24.326
Makes you wonder, is that
how the actor runs, or the character?

988
00:53:24.409 --> 00:53:25.660
[audience laughing]

989
00:53:29.831 --> 00:53:31.875
I don't understand marching bands.

990
00:53:33.084 --> 00:53:34.753
I understand bands.

991
00:53:34.836 --> 00:53:36.796
I don't understand marching bands.

992
00:53:37.297 --> 00:53:39.758
There are many occupations in this world.

993
00:53:40.258 --> 00:53:44.679
And how come none of the others
have taken on this added task?

994
00:53:44.763 --> 00:53:46.556
[audience laughing]

995
00:53:46.640 --> 00:53:49.517
You don't see marching taxidermists.

996
00:53:49.601 --> 00:53:52.062
♪ You got to stuff that otter ♪

997
00:53:52.145 --> 00:53:54.189
♪ You got to stuff it good  ♪

998
00:53:54.272 --> 00:53:56.983
♪ Stuff that otter
And stick it on some wood ♪

999
00:53:57.067 --> 00:53:58.318
[audience laughing]

1000
00:53:59.319 --> 00:54:01.780
"Why don't you sit down
and stuff the otter?"

1001
00:54:01.863 --> 00:54:04.491
"It might be easier if you were seated."

1002
00:54:04.574 --> 00:54:06.534
[audience laughing]

1003
00:54:06.618 --> 00:54:08.078
Yes, it's ridiculous.

1004
00:54:08.870 --> 00:54:10.705
So why is it normal for bands?

1005
00:54:11.248 --> 00:54:13.291
What group of musicians
were sitting around…?

1006
00:54:13.375 --> 00:54:14.834
[imitates strumming tune]

1007
00:54:17.837 --> 00:54:20.006
Don't ask what instrument
that's supposed to be.

1008
00:54:20.090 --> 00:54:21.925
[audience laughing and applauding]

1009
00:54:24.177 --> 00:54:25.637
[imitates strumming tune]

1010
00:54:26.388 --> 00:54:27.555
[chuckles]

1011
00:54:28.473 --> 00:54:29.474
[imitates strumming]

1012
00:54:31.685 --> 00:54:32.686
[imitates strumming]

1013
00:54:32.769 --> 00:54:34.271
[audience laughing]

1014
00:54:34.354 --> 00:54:35.605
"Hey, I got an idea."

1015
00:54:36.439 --> 00:54:39.651
"Why don't we kick these chairs out
from underneath us…

1016
00:54:39.734 --> 00:54:43.863
and start walking around and trying
to spell stuff with our bodies…

1017
00:54:43.947 --> 00:54:45.448
[audience laughing]

1018
00:54:45.532 --> 00:54:48.618
so people in blimps
know what teams we support?"

1019
00:54:49.828 --> 00:54:52.080
"I'm sure the tuba player
loved that idea."

1020
00:54:52.163 --> 00:54:53.373
"Oh, great."

1021
00:54:53.456 --> 00:54:54.708
[imitates playing tuba]

1022
00:54:54.791 --> 00:54:56.209
[audience laughing]

1023
00:54:56.293 --> 00:54:57.919
"Great idea, flute person."

1024
00:54:58.003 --> 00:54:59.462
[imitating playing tuba]

1025
00:55:01.631 --> 00:55:04.259
The marching band had to be
a flute person's idea.

1026
00:55:04.342 --> 00:55:05.510
"Come on, let's march."

1027
00:55:05.593 --> 00:55:07.137
[imitating playing flute]

1028
00:55:07.220 --> 00:55:08.054
"Come on."

1029
00:55:08.930 --> 00:55:11.433
"Wait! We need straps and stuff!"

1030
00:55:11.516 --> 00:55:13.393
"Come on. It's easy."

1031
00:55:13.476 --> 00:55:14.686
[imitates playing flute]

1032
00:55:14.769 --> 00:55:16.855
"Wait! We need harnesses!"

1033
00:55:16.938 --> 00:55:18.106
[audience laughing]

1034
00:55:18.189 --> 00:55:19.649
[imitates playing flute]

1035
00:55:19.733 --> 00:55:23.069
[yelling] "We're not ready!
We're not ready!"

1036
00:55:23.153 --> 00:55:24.863
[audience laughing]

1037
00:55:24.946 --> 00:55:26.573
[cheering and applause]

1038
00:55:36.207 --> 00:55:38.418
Hey, whoever invented the bagpipes…

1039
00:55:40.587 --> 00:55:42.213
I don't think he's finished yet.

1040
00:55:42.297 --> 00:55:43.631
[audience laughing]

1041
00:55:44.507 --> 00:55:46.551
You ever look at that monstrosity?

1042
00:55:47.135 --> 00:55:50.805
He must have thought there was a deadline
at the patent office.

1043
00:55:51.306 --> 00:55:53.516
He probably just ran in
and threw that on a counter.

1044
00:55:53.600 --> 00:55:54.434
[yells]

1045
00:55:55.143 --> 00:55:56.144
"Am I too late?"

1046
00:55:56.227 --> 00:55:57.645
[audience laughing]

1047
00:56:00.148 --> 00:56:01.983
"What in the world is that?"

1048
00:56:02.067 --> 00:56:06.529
"It's a bag! With pipes stuck in it!

1049
00:56:07.822 --> 00:56:09.616
"I stuck the pipes in a bag!"

1050
00:56:13.328 --> 00:56:14.204
"Bagpipes."

1051
00:56:14.287 --> 00:56:15.705
[audience laughing]

1052
00:56:18.416 --> 00:56:19.459
"No, I see it."

1053
00:56:19.542 --> 00:56:20.960
[audience laughing]

1054
00:56:22.629 --> 00:56:23.546
"Why?"

1055
00:56:23.630 --> 00:56:24.672
[audience laughing]

1056
00:56:24.756 --> 00:56:25.924
"What does it do?"

1057
00:56:26.007 --> 00:56:29.094
"What does it do?
It's a bag with pipes!"

1058
00:56:29.928 --> 00:56:31.888
"Sticking in and out of it!"

1059
00:56:34.307 --> 00:56:35.558
"What does it do?"

1060
00:56:36.351 --> 00:56:39.062
-[imitates high-pitched note]
-[audience laughing]

1061
00:56:39.145 --> 00:56:40.647
"What does it do?"

1062
00:56:40.730 --> 00:56:41.815
[imitates high-pitched note]

1063
00:56:42.607 --> 00:56:44.150
"What does it do?"

1064
00:56:45.110 --> 00:56:46.903
[imitates note] "What…?"

1065
00:56:46.986 --> 00:56:48.405
[audience laughing]

1066
00:56:49.656 --> 00:56:50.824
What does it do?

1067
00:56:50.907 --> 00:56:51.866
[audience laughing]

1068
00:56:51.950 --> 00:56:55.161
How can you tell
if anybody's ever playing them well?

1069
00:56:56.329 --> 00:56:59.457
You have a guy over here--
[imitates playing high-pitched notes]

1070
00:56:59.541 --> 00:57:00.917
"He's the best."

1071
00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:02.252
[audience laughing]

1072
00:57:03.545 --> 00:57:06.005
This guy's over here--
[imitates playing high-pitched notes]

1073
00:57:06.089 --> 00:57:07.966
"He doesn't know how to play that thing."

1074
00:57:08.049 --> 00:57:10.885
"Stick your elbow more in the bag.
Everybody knows that."

1075
00:57:10.969 --> 00:57:11.928
[audience laughing]

1076
00:57:12.011 --> 00:57:13.430
Hey, you guys are wonderful.

1077
00:57:13.513 --> 00:57:14.889
[audience cheering]

1078
00:57:14.973 --> 00:57:16.182
Thank you very much.

1079
00:57:17.225 --> 00:57:18.476
Thank you.

1080
00:57:18.560 --> 00:57:20.437
[bagpipe music playing]

1081
00:57:20.520 --> 00:57:22.105
[cheering continues]

1082
00:57:25.483 --> 00:57:26.401
Thank you so much.

1083
00:57:26.484 --> 00:57:28.903
You guys are great.
Really appreciate it. Good night.

1084
00:57:40.415 --> 00:57:44.127
[bagpipe music continues]