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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[upbeat rock music plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[crowd cheering, applauding]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 
please welcome Brian Regan!

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[audience cheering, whistling]

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Thank you.

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Thank you very much, everybody.

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[audience cheering]

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Thank you.

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Thank you very, very much.

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Well, let's get the gray hair 
out of the way.

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[audience laughing]

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Because if I don't, you won't listen 
to a word I say for an hour.

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You'll be out there, "Did you know 
anything about the gray hair?"

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"I'm just as befuddled as you."

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[audience laughing]

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I don't know what happened either.

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Covid hit, I went into hibernation
and came out a senior citizen.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience clapping and cheering]

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It's just as well.

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I was never comfortable
in the hair-color aisle anyway.

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You always have to pretend like
you're there for someone else.

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"Women, huh?"

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[audience laughing]

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I like the difference in hair color names
between women and men

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Women have hair color names 
like ruby fusion.

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Chocolate cherry.

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Butterscotch.

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Men's hair color: brown!

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[audience laughing]

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Black!

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Light brown!

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Dark black!

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For men, 
that is the entire color spectrum.

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I don't know.
I'm at the age where I wake up,

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the first thing I do is try to remember
what doctor I'm going to that day.

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[audience laughing]

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Ah, the dermatologist.

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Because of that splotch on my back.

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I don't want to sound like I'm bragging,

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but I have to put medicine on my back
using a spatula.

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]

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It's fun going into the drugstore
when they ask,

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"Can we help you find anything?"
And I say,

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"Yes, a spatula,
Lotrimin and a hand mirror."

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[audience laughing]

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Are you intrigued, my lady?

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[audience laughing]

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I got my Little Red Riding Hood 
Walgreens basket,

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if you could direct me 
to the proper aisles.

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[audience laughing, whistling]

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My dermatologist said he needed
to do a biopsy of a little mole

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on the tip of my nose,
and I was like,

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"Wow, that sounds like
it's going to hurt."

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He said, "Don't worry. We're going
to numb it first with a painkiller."

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I said, "How?"

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He said,  "We're going to puncture 
a sharp needle into the tip of your nose."

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[audience laughing]

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So you're not canceling the pain.

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You're just rescheduling it.

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[audience laughing, cheering]

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So I go to my regular doctor
and he's like, "What's going on?"

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I said, "You tell me.
Just above my right knee

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there's a little area 
about three inches up.

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It's about the size of a fist.

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That's where it doesn't hurt.

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[audience laughing]

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And it feels very peculiar.

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Do you have a pill that can make 
everything else feel like that?

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I want an 
'everything else like that' pill."

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My doctor looked at me and said,
"Brian, you are way too sedentary."

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So I vowed in that moment…

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to get a dictionary.

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[audience laughing]

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I haven't got around to it,
just been laying around the house.

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[audience laughing]

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Or is it "lying" around the house?

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Doctors specialize, right?

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Last month I went  to an ear,
nose and throat doctor.

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Last week I went to an arch-of-the-foot,
small-of-the-back,

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nape-of-the-neck doctor.

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[audience laughing]

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I have fallen arches, my small's too big,
and I have a trick nape.

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It's weird, in the human world,
there's a doctor for every body part.

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But in the animal world,
a veterinarian takes care of all animals…

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and all their parts.

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That's got to be the hardest job 
in the world.

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Where are the bighorn sheep 
knee doctors?

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[audience laughing]

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The wildebeest gastroenterologists?

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The giraffe throat,
throat and throat doctors?

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[audience laughing
and applauding]

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[audience cheering
and whistling]

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They say the American medical system
is the best in the world.

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I'll be impressed when I am no longer
handed a clipboard

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when I check in for my doctor visit.

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That is so Stone Age.

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You know, we live in a world 
of bar codes and microchips.

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What's with the clipboard?

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"I'm here for my 10 o'clock appointment."

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"Here's your clipboard.
There's 257 pages on there."

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"Here's a pen with a flower on it."

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[audience laughing]

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"Go sit with all those other people

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and don't even think of coming back 
to this counter

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till you've completely filled out
your clipboard."

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[audience applauding]

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"I've been a patient here for many years.
You should have all this information."

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"Well, our policy is we do it every year.
We give you another clipboard.

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And that way you can experience
angst and tension

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and rage and downright fury,
all roiling through your torso."

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"And then we take your blood pressure."

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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[Brian chuckles]

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You can't fix that
and you're going to fix me?

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So my doctor told me to get 
a therapeutic massage for the neck.

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Um, massages are weird.

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You know, I never feel comfortable.

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Always looking through
that strange doughnut hole.

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[audience laughing]

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I'm always thinking weird things like,

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"I wonder if I could squeeze my head 
through this."

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[audience laughing]

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"But what if I got stuck 
underneath the table?"

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"Then I'd be like 
an upside-down periscope."

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"I'd better leave well enough alone

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and stay on this side 
of the doughnut hole."

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Then I think things like,
"Are my eyes supposed to be open?"

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"I feel like I'm eavesdropping.
I'm watching her feet moving around."

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Started thinking weird things like,

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"What if one shoe went that way 
and one shoe went that way?"

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[audience laughing]

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"I'd be awfully curious 
as to what was going on."

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"Awfully curious."

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[audience laughing]

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So after 10 minutes I said,
"I don't know the protocol…

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but am I supposed to say,
'you may begin'?"

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And she said,
"I started 10 minutes ago."

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She said,
"This is a Reiki massage."

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"I don't actually touch you."

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[audience laughing]

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"My hands are just above you,
and it's an energy healing."

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[audience laughing]

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So when she was done I said,
"I don't actually touch my wallet."

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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"My hand is just above it."

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"You should be receiving 
an energy payment…

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that you can use to pay your energy bill,
see how they feel about the concept."

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[audience cheering and applauding]

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So I'm learning things about myself.

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I learned recently I suffer from OCD.

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-Uh--
-[woman whoops]

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-Thank you.
-[audience laughing]

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"Suffer" is too strong a word.

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People say they suffer from things,
when that just means they have them.

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You know, do I look like I'm suffering?

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I think the word "suffer"
should be reserved for a guy

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writhing on the ground in agony.

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He's suffering.

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Am I allowed to run up to him?

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"You're preaching to the choir!"

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[audience laughing]

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"I have to alphabetize everything!"

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[audience laughing]

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"Quit wriggling.
I'm trying to count your ribs."

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"I'm a rib counter."

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[audience laughing]

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The alphabetizing thing is not true,
at least in my case.

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People think I'm weirder than I am,
and it's hard for me.

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They ask questions like,
"Brian, with your OCD,

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do you have to alphabetize
your books at home?"

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And I'm like, "Uh, no."

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"I organize my books by when I got them
chronologically on the top shelf."

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"I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not a kook."

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[audience laughing]

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"And the bottom shelf is for the books
I've completed reading."

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"Organized chronologically 
by the completion date."

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"I don't have to alphabetize them." Der!

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[audience laughing]

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"And the middle shelf…

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is for the books
I'm in the process of reading."

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"When I start reading a book, 

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I move it from the top shelf 
to the middle shelf

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and I organize those chronologically
by the start date."

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I know exactly what you're wondering.

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You're thinking, "Well, wouldn't
reading the title of the book…

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count technically as being in the process
of reading that book?"

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"Then how would you distinguish between 
the top shelf in the middle shelf?"

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Well, the way I do it…

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[audience laughing]

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I make myself read all of page one 
before I allow a shelf change.

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[audience laughing
and applauding]

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I don't count the introduction,
or the foreword, or the book jacket.

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I do read all of that word for word,

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but then I make myself read 
all of page one all the way to the bottom.

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Unless it ends in the middle
of a sentence,

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I make myself turn the page.

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I finish the sentence 
to complete the thought,

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00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:07,852
I turn the page back.

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00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:09,937
I write down what date
that book was started.

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I move that to the middle shelf
furthest on the right.

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I don't have to alphabetize my books.
I'm not out of my mind!

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00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,361
[audience laughing and applauding]

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00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:27,288
How come when you want things in order
they call that a disorder?

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00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,123
[audience laughing]

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00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:36,505
You know, when I first suspected 
that I might have OCD, I Googled it.

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And there are different symptoms.

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And some I have, and some I don't.

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And the ones I have,
some I have more strongly than others.

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00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:46,390
So I decided to make a color-coded graph.

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00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,350
[audience laughing]

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00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,603
I wish I was making this up.

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00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,439
I listed the symptoms.

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00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:58,736
I said I'm going to rate from 0 to 10
how strongly I feel I have each symptom.

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00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,115
Total it up and divide it
by the number of symptoms.

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00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,784
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

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00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,745
If I'm higher than 5 
I'll seek professional help.

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00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:12,917
If I'm under 5, 
I'll self-diagnose that I am A-okay.

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00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,418
[audience laughing]

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00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:20,674
Number one: are you the type of person
who has to check the stove repeatedly

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00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,176
to make sure it's off?

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And I'm like, 
"Uh, zero. That's Looney Tunes land."

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00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,389
[audience laughing]

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00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:32,228
Number two: are you the type of person
who has to wash your hands

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over and over again?

229
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,359
And I had this nagging feeling…

230
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that I forgot to answer 
that first question.

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00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,865
[audience laughing]

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00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:49,411
So I looked up--
"Yeah,  I did write zero. Okay."

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00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,080
"Hand washing."

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00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,457
"Six."

235
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,335
"That ain't even right."
I scribbled that out.

236
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,713
I got some ink on my hands.
I went to go wash my hands.

237
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,883
While I'm washing my hands I'm like,
"Why did they mention stoves?"

238
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,343
So I checked the stove.

239
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,514
It was on. I'm like, 
"I'll never make that mistake again."

240
00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:12,184
And I came back and I changed
"hand washing" to 2.

241
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:13,686
[audience laughing]

242
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:19,358
I took the whole test and averaged 5.0.

243
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,277
So I'm like, "I still don't know."

244
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,778
[audience laughing]

245
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,490
So I decided to buy a book about it.

246
00:14:30,744 --> 00:14:33,205
I go into the bookstore,
I ask the clerk,

247
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,749
"Can you tell me 
where the self-help section is?"

248
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:39,336
And she said,
"Why don't you try to find that yourself?"

249
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,422
[audience laughing and applauding]

250
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:52,558
Well, I finally found the section.
It was so disorganized,

251
00:14:52,641 --> 00:14:56,395
I spent the next three hours
rearranging all their books

252
00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:59,315
rather than finding out 
whether or not I have OCD!

253
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,484
[audience cheering,
whistling and applauding]

254
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,536
I'll show you one weird way
it manifests itself.

255
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,747
Every year when I get 
the new calendar,

256
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,584
I always look ahead because I don't like
the months who are at the bottom.

257
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,253
They expect days to share squares.

258
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,090
-My brain can't handle that.
-[audience laughs]

259
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,719
"Oh no, October's going to be
square-sharing month."

260
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,390
Why do they do that?

261
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,517
Days don't want roommates.

262
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,688
You don't want the 31st 
going up to the 24th:

263
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,149
"Hey, can I squeeze in there with you?"

264
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:43,275
[audience laughing]

265
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:44,944
"Get the hell out of here!"

266
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,239
"There's empty squares
on the top of the next page."

267
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:53,953
You might think that's weird,

268
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,288
unless one of those days
is special to you.

269
00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:01,627
If it's your birthday, you don't want to
be wedged up in the corner of a triangle.

270
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:05,297
"Happy birthday, sort of,
kind of squished up here."

271
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:11,011
And then right across the diagonal
it says, "Take trash to dump."

272
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,513
[audience laughing]

273
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:19,853
I've always been interested 
in calendars and time.

274
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,439
Uh, I grew up in the Eastern Time Zone.

275
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,692
I now live in the Pacific Time Zone.

276
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,568
And what's weird living out there,

277
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,863
when anybody from the Eastern Time Zone
leaves the voice message,

278
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:33,033
they always feel they have to compute
the time difference.

279
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:38,080
I'm always getting messages:
"Hey, Brian, it's, four o'clock my time.

280
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:41,458
That's one o'clock your time."

281
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,460
-[audience laughing]
-Oh!

282
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,047
[groans softly]

283
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,549
[audience applauding]

284
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:52,386
I know what time it is
where I am.

285
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:53,887
[audience laughing]

286
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,600
I have a friend
who does that all the time.

287
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,185
He recently left this message:

288
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,062
"Brian, do me a favor.
Call me back.

289
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,274
I'm going to be out for about 20 minutes
my time, that's, uh…

290
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,485
[audience laughing]

291
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:10,988
Uh, just call me back."

292
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:12,072
[audience laughing]

293
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,409
When? What's the formula?

294
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:22,708
When I was a kid, 
it was weird learning about time zones.

295
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,711
Learning that there were 24
around the world.

296
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:29,173
I looked at a globe 
and saw all the lines met at the top,

297
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:31,800
and I thought, "What time is it up there?"

298
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,512
Could you put your hand on the pole
and walk around,

299
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:39,725
"It's 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 
4:00, 5:00, 6:00!"?

300
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:42,478
[audience laughing and applauding,
then cheering]

301
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:46,815
[man] Yeah!

302
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:51,320
How would you plan anything up there?

303
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:52,863
"We're gonna meet at five o'clock."

304
00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,033
[audience laughing]

305
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:57,284
"Where were you?"

306
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,705
"I was just south of here."

307
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:09,546
Well, in addition to the OCD,
I also have a little social anxiety.

308
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,633
But I force myself
to go to parties and stuff,

309
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:15,677
but there are things people do 
that bug me.

310
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,179
[audience laughing]

311
00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:22,935
I don't like when somebody pronounces
a word differently than everybody else

312
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,145
to try to sound smart.

313
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,439
Just say it like everybody else.

314
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:31,693
I'm at this party, 
I walk up to this group of strangers.

315
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,821
First thing I hear, uh, this guy goes,

316
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,532
"Another thing about  'Jengus' Khan…"

317
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,534
I'm like, "Oh, jeez."

318
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,035
[audience laughing]

319
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,247
"I already don't like this guy."

320
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:44,748
[audience laughing]

321
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,752
I go, "Oh, uh, Genghis Khan?"

322
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,171
"It was actually pronounced 'Jengus.'"

323
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:53,715
[chuckles haughtily]

324
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,300
[audience laughing]

325
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,762
I'm guessing you were there at the time.

326
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,058
You and the Jeng-man 
palling around town.

327
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,895
So I wanted to sound smart.

328
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:12,818
So I was like, "Oh, Jengus Khan,
the 'Mongo-lian em-peror.'

329
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:16,071
[audience laughing and applauding]

330
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,494
-[woman cheers]
-Wasn't he the 'con-kerer' of 'Cheena'?"

331
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,996
[audience laughing]

332
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,752
Well, I felt this little circle
tighten on me.

333
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,045
[audience laughing]

334
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,840
I've done just been ostracized.

335
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,180
Walk up to this second group.

336
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:45,350
And I don't know what to do when somebody 
says something I don't agree with.

337
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,644
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
as a person.

338
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,563
I've always grappled with that.

339
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:51,690
I walk up, this woman says,

340
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,859
"Animals are smarter than people."

341
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,069
I'm like, "Oh, jeez."

342
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,572
[audience laughing]

343
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,157
"I just got here."

344
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,867
[audience laughing]

345
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,747
I look at the others like,
"Anybody want to take this?"

346
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,248
[audience laughing]

347
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,792
"Low-hanging fruit."

348
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,256
"I just took the hit
over at that little circle."

349
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,550
"If somebody could step up 
to the plate here

350
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,261
so I could hang around 
for longer than two minutes…"

351
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,679
[audience laughing]

352
00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:27,100
But nobody else is even looking up,
they're shuffling their shoes…

353
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,145
and trying to figure out the dynamic.

354
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,898
"They must work for her.
Something's going on."

355
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:36,735
But I couldn't say nothing.

356
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,031
But I didn't want to make a big deal
out of it either.

357
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,366
I don't know these people.

358
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:44,910
So I decided to make 
a lighthearted joke.

359
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,996
So I said, 
"Oh, how do animals do on the SAT test?"

360
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,498
[audience laughing]

361
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,962
-[woman] Yeah!
-[people whooping]

362
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,546
Just a little "ha-ha-ha."

363
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,839
[audience laughing]

364
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:00,092
I didn't get the "ha-ha-ha."

365
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,886
I just felt the temperature drop.

366
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,598
And this woman glares at me and says,

367
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:10,269
"Animals are smarter than people."

368
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:12,688
"Like, case closed."

369
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,233
Well, I can't take that.

370
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:17,734
[audience laughing]

371
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:22,906
But before I could say anything, 
she said, "What about the beavers?"

372
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:25,450
[audience laughing]

373
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:32,582
Forcing me to say,
"What about the beavers?"

374
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,084
[audience laughing]

375
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,588
There was no other line
on my script at that point.

376
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:43,468
Nothing can ever follow,
"What about the beavers?"

377
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:44,803
[audience laughing]

378
00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:48,223
Except another,
"What about the beavers?"

379
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,226
"What about the beavers?"

380
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:54,688
"What about the beavers?"

381
00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:56,398
[audience laughing]

382
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,571
So she explains to me.

383
00:22:03,238 --> 00:22:06,408
She said, 
"The beavers are smarter than people."

384
00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:12,205
"They know how to all get in the water,
and they all know how to gather sticks…

385
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,374
and bring them to one area,

386
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:17,044
and they know how to put mud 
on their tails

387
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:22,090
and slap the sticks together,
and they can affect the flow of a river."

388
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,592
[audience laughing]

389
00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:29,681
Hoover Dam.

390
00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:31,516
[audience laughing and applauding]

391
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:42,194
Smart. Stupid.

392
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:43,570
[audience laughing]

393
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:47,324
Human engineering. Pile of muddy sticks.

394
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:48,825
[audience laughing]

395
00:22:52,245 --> 00:22:53,747
So I asked her,

396
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:57,000
"If you hired a company to build a dam…

397
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:00,962
and they all got out of their trucks…

398
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,050
and they all started 
getting in river water…

399
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,179
and started gathering twigs and…

400
00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:13,016
nosing them around 
on the surface of the water…

401
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,769
would you be on the riverbank:

402
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:17,646
'Look how smart they are!'?"

403
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,147
[audience laughing]

404
00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:27,030
Well, everyone got real quiet.

405
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:28,532
[audience laughing]

406
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:32,077
And she doubled down.

407
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:37,457
She said, "What about the honeybees?"

408
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,295
So I looked at my script.

409
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,256
[audience laughing]

410
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:47,008
"What about the honeybees?"

411
00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,345
"What about the honeybees?"

412
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:52,139
"What about them?"

413
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:54,850
"What about the honeybees?"

414
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:56,351
[audience laughing]

415
00:23:58,019 --> 00:23:59,020
[chuckles]

416
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:00,981
So she said,

417
00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:03,900
"Uh, the honeybees
are smarter than people."

418
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:08,947
"They know that they only need one of them
to go in a figure-eight pattern…

419
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:10,824
and wiggle its behind,

420
00:24:10,907 --> 00:24:14,744
and it can let all the other honeybees
know where the flowers are."

421
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,373
[audience laughing]

422
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:22,210
"What if your Uncle Larry had to do that
to show you where the fridge was?"

423
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,879
[audience laughing]

424
00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,134
[cheering and applause]

425
00:24:34,806 --> 00:24:38,018
Nobody could quench their thirst
till Uncle Larry showed up.

426
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,644
[audience laughing]

427
00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:43,607
With his groundbreaking
communication techniques.

428
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:50,363
Well, this little circle popped me out
like a champagne cork.

429
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,324
[audience laughing]

430
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:54,534
"Jengus" Khan is looking over at me.

431
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,996
He's like, "You don't know how
to make friends, do you?"

432
00:24:58,079 --> 00:24:59,789
I'm like, "I don't think so."

433
00:25:00,832 --> 00:25:02,209
Man without a country.

434
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,710
[audience laughing]

435
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:08,256
Walk up to this third little circle.

436
00:25:08,757 --> 00:25:11,384
And I'm trying to learn
how to be a better listener.

437
00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:14,596
So I just decided to just say nothing.

438
00:25:15,555 --> 00:25:18,308
And there was a guy there
telling everyone a story

439
00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:21,436
about the lottery numbers 
that he had recently picked.

440
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:24,814
Whoo! What a story.

441
00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:25,899
[audience laughing]

442
00:25:25,982 --> 00:25:28,068
I'm going to try to duplicate it for you,

443
00:25:28,151 --> 00:25:31,947
but it's going to be challenging,
because this guy was drilling it.

444
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:34,658
He had everyone gathered around
and he was like,

445
00:25:34,741 --> 00:25:36,618
"So I got, uh, four lottery tickets."

446
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:39,996
"The, uh, first ticket, I picked a 2…

447
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,042
4, 7, 21, 36."

448
00:25:46,044 --> 00:25:47,295
"The second ticket…

449
00:25:49,339 --> 00:25:51,925
I had the 2, 5--
I  had the 4 on the first ticket."

450
00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:53,802
"Got the 5 on the second ticket."

451
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:54,719
"2, 5."

452
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:58,265
"16, 17, got those back-to-back
on the second ticket."

453
00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:00,809
"Back-to-back, 16, 17, back-to-back…

454
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:02,978
28, 31."

455
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:06,690
"Thirty-one was the last number on--
That I got on the second ticket."

456
00:26:07,524 --> 00:26:11,069
This is the story that he's sharing
with humans.

457
00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:12,571
[audience laughing]

458
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:15,699
"Third ticket…

459
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,910
I picked a 2.  I'm always on a 2."

460
00:26:18,994 --> 00:26:21,121
"You know me, I always got the 2 covered."

461
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,585
"I knew I had the 4 on the first ticket
and a 5 on the second,

462
00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:30,171
so I got the 6
on the third. 2, 6, 17, 19."

463
00:26:30,255 --> 00:26:32,299
"Decided to leapfrog over the 18."

464
00:26:33,216 --> 00:26:35,635
"Leapfrog action, landed on the 19."

465
00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,221
"43-- 43 was the last number 
on the third ticket."

466
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:42,100
"Fourth ticket."

467
00:26:42,183 --> 00:26:43,143
[audience laughing]

468
00:26:43,226 --> 00:26:45,520
"I picked the 2." Duh.

469
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:46,855
[audience laughing]

470
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:48,898
"I don't know why 
I'm boring you with the 2."

471
00:26:48,982 --> 00:26:50,984
"You know me, 
if I got a ticket, I got the 2."

472
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,944
"Walking down the street holding a ticket,

473
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:55,071
you don't have to look,
you know I got the 2."

474
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:56,573
[audience laughing]

475
00:26:58,533 --> 00:26:59,409
"Anyway…

476
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:02,412
I knew I had the 4, 5 and 6 
on the other ticket,

477
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,956
so I got them all  on that fourth ticket.
2, 4, 5, 6."

478
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,583
"Something said, 'Get the 3.'"

479
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:08,585
"Something said, 
Go back and get that 3.'"

480
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:12,047
"Something said, 'Jump on that 3.'
Something said, 'Nail down that 3.'"

481
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:16,384
"So I get the 3.
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 17 and the 44."

482
00:27:16,468 --> 00:27:18,428
"And my thinking on the 44 was…

483
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:19,596
'Hey, get the 44.'"

484
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:21,681
[audience laughing]

485
00:27:23,892 --> 00:27:27,270
So as you can imagine,
everyone's jaws were agape.

486
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:28,772
[audience laughing]

487
00:27:32,942 --> 00:27:37,697
So I wanted to throw the right log
on the fire to keep this baby burning.

488
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:39,658
[audience laughing]

489
00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:42,202
When you got this kind of flame blazing,

490
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:44,746
you can't risk having it smolder out.

491
00:27:45,413 --> 00:27:50,085
You want to throw the proper heat 
in that direction, so I was like, "Whoo!"

492
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:51,711
[audience laughing]

493
00:27:53,254 --> 00:27:54,756
"Woo-hoo!"

494
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:58,426
"Crazy!"

495
00:27:58,510 --> 00:27:59,928
[audience laughing]

496
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:05,767
"What happened?"

497
00:28:06,726 --> 00:28:08,311
"None of the tickets hit."

498
00:28:08,395 --> 00:28:09,688
[audience laughing]

499
00:28:09,771 --> 00:28:10,897
"Whoa!"

500
00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:13,441
"What a twist at the end."

501
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,693
[audience laughing]

502
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,736
"What a curveball finish."

503
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:21,241
"I could have sworn 
that was all going somewhere."

504
00:28:21,324 --> 00:28:22,784
[audience laughing]

505
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:26,162
"Could have sworn it.
But you flipped the tables."

506
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:30,291
"You managed
to follow nothing with less."

507
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,377
[audience laughing
and applauding]

508
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:35,422
[audience cheering]

509
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:44,556
Losing lottery numbers
he shares as cocktail party banter.

510
00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:46,057
[audience laughing]

511
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:50,562
So I didn't fit in with any of the groups.

512
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:53,064
So I just went over and rearranged
some bookshelves.

513
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:55,150
[audience laughing and applauding]

514
00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:02,157
If I do go to a party, 
I need to stand, man.

515
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,701
I need to be able to pinball away
from situations.

516
00:29:04,784 --> 00:29:06,369
"Bing! That's not working."

517
00:29:06,453 --> 00:29:07,620
"Bing! Not for me."

518
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:09,622
"Bing! Nope!"

519
00:29:09,706 --> 00:29:11,249
[audience laughing]

520
00:29:11,332 --> 00:29:13,668
Sitting is way too claustrophobic.

521
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:15,253
Like a dinner party.

522
00:29:15,336 --> 00:29:17,881
You don't know who
you're going to be sitting next to.

523
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:19,799
It could be two hours.
It's a crapshoot.

524
00:29:19,883 --> 00:29:23,762
"Brian, you're going to be sitting here 
next to Donnie Doldrums."

525
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:27,265
"Hey, how's it going?"
"Hey, how are you? Huh."

526
00:29:27,348 --> 00:29:28,558
[audience laughing]

527
00:29:29,517 --> 00:29:33,313
"You missed the beginning of this.
I was telling everybody

528
00:29:33,396 --> 00:29:38,067
about how our Des Moines office 
had an administrative meeting."

529
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:41,154
"And as a result of that meeting,

530
00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:45,909
we realized that the factory output
in our northeast quadrant…

531
00:29:46,534 --> 00:29:50,371
was substandard in relation 
to what we had anticipated

532
00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:54,459
after bringing in a consulting team
from Peoria."

533
00:29:54,542 --> 00:29:56,544
[audience laughing]

534
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,671
My face is in the mashed potatoes,

535
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:01,549
just blowing brown gravy bubbles.

536
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:02,717
[blowing raspberries]

537
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:03,927
[audience laughing]

538
00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:08,389
"No, don't revive me. Don't revive me."

539
00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:09,474
[continues blowing]

540
00:30:09,557 --> 00:30:11,601
"It's in my living will. Let me be."

541
00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:13,436
[continues blowing]

542
00:30:21,027 --> 00:30:22,695
I don't like dinner parties.

543
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:26,115
I don't like restaurants either.

544
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:29,035
One reason is,  I don't like mushrooms.

545
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:31,037
-[audience laughing]
-[woman whooping]

546
00:30:31,621 --> 00:30:32,997
I don't like mushrooms.

547
00:30:33,623 --> 00:30:35,416
People say, "What's the big deal?"

548
00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:37,919
"Just make sure 
you never order mushrooms."

549
00:30:38,002 --> 00:30:39,963
All right, let me explain the problem.

550
00:30:40,046 --> 00:30:41,548
[audience laughing]

551
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:47,303
There is not a food on earth 
that is more often put onto and into

552
00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:51,474
other foods without anybody ever asking…

553
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:54,143
than mushrooms.

554
00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:57,063
It's happened too many times to count.

555
00:30:57,146 --> 00:30:59,566
"Here's that chicken dinner you ordered."

556
00:31:03,027 --> 00:31:05,280
"And you'll be happy to notice…

557
00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:06,865
[audience laughing]

558
00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:09,576
that it is smothered…

559
00:31:11,202 --> 00:31:13,454
with mushrooms."

560
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:15,748
"Oh, I did notice."

561
00:31:17,250 --> 00:31:20,962
"I didn't order mushrooms.
It doesn't say mushrooms on the menu."

562
00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:23,131
"You don't have to worry about that."

563
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:26,885
"You had nothing to do with this."

564
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:31,264
"We decided all by ourselves…

565
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:33,850
when we were in the kitchen,

566
00:31:33,933 --> 00:31:36,352
with no input from you."

567
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:41,065
"We unilaterally decided to smother

568
00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:45,153
[yelling] everything you love in life…

569
00:31:45,236 --> 00:31:46,195
[audience laughing]

570
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:48,573
with mushrooms!"

571
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,491
[audience cheering and applauding]

572
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:01,002
I don't know if I made this clear:
I don't like mushrooms.

573
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,503
[audience laughing]

574
00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:06,132
I don't like raisins either.

575
00:32:07,634 --> 00:32:11,095
Not to the degree of mushrooms,
I just don't like raisins.

576
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:15,016
But I'm intrigued when people try
to talk me into liking raisins.

577
00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:18,061
Like it's a psychological flaw.

578
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:19,896
[audience laughing]

579
00:32:19,979 --> 00:32:21,731
People love to go, "Brian…

580
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:23,858
[audience laughing]

581
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:32,617
do you like grapes?"

582
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:33,952
[audience laughing]

583
00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:37,914
Here we go.

584
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:41,709
"Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes."

585
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:43,795
"Well…

586
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:45,296
[audience laughing]

587
00:32:52,011 --> 00:32:53,930
raisins…

588
00:32:58,601 --> 00:33:02,605
are just dried-up grapes!"

589
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:04,023
[audience laughing]

590
00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:06,567
"Oh."

591
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,153
"Oh, I've loved them all along."

592
00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:10,238
[audience laughing]

593
00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:11,864
"I had no idea."

594
00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:17,704
So I love to hit them back with…

595
00:33:18,538 --> 00:33:21,082
"Do you like ham sandwiches?"

596
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:22,583
[audience laughing]

597
00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:25,920
"You do?"

598
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:28,715
"Well…

599
00:33:29,924 --> 00:33:32,969
would you like if I put one outside…

600
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,555
for three weeks…

601
00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:38,558
in the broiling sun…

602
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:41,269
on a picnic table,

603
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:45,690
so it shriveled up 
to the point of unrecognizability…

604
00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,151
[in high-pitched voice]
and put it on a plate

605
00:33:48,234 --> 00:33:50,069
and gave it to you?"

606
00:33:50,153 --> 00:33:52,071
"Would you like that?"

607
00:33:52,155 --> 00:33:53,322
[audience laughing]

608
00:33:54,323 --> 00:33:55,366
"Well?"

609
00:33:55,992 --> 00:33:59,787
"It's just a ham sandwich!"

610
00:33:59,871 --> 00:34:01,873
[audience cheering and applauding]

611
00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:16,262
[in regular voice]
It's not a grape now.

612
00:34:16,345 --> 00:34:17,764
[audience laughing]

613
00:34:20,683 --> 00:34:22,518
I do like mayonnaise.

614
00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:28,649
I like mayonnaise to the degree

615
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:31,611
that it had to come 
into a New Year's resolution.

616
00:34:31,694 --> 00:34:33,112
[audience laughing]

617
00:34:34,947 --> 00:34:36,491
It was a New Year's resolution

618
00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:40,661
that I could not order extra mayonnaise 
on my sandwiches.

619
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:45,333
I could order mayonnaise, 
but I couldn't use the word "extra."

620
00:34:46,042 --> 00:34:49,170
I found out very quickly
I wasn't getting enough mayonnaise.

621
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:51,047
[audience laughing]

622
00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:55,760
But I didn't want to break my resolution.
So here's how I would order lunch.

623
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:57,136
"Um, Hi. Uh…

624
00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,639
I would like a turkey sandwich

625
00:35:00,431 --> 00:35:03,726
with Swiss cheese, lettuce, and, uh…

626
00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:05,520
[clears throat]

627
00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:08,314
mayonnaise!"

628
00:35:08,397 --> 00:35:09,816
[audience laughing]

629
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:17,156
"You hear what I'm saying here?"

630
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:20,535
"I want mayonnaise!"

631
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:22,078
[audience laughing]

632
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:27,792
"Capital M, A, Y…

633
00:35:29,168 --> 00:35:30,545
[audience laughing]

634
00:35:31,337 --> 00:35:37,510
and the rest of the letters
that are necessary for 'mayonnaise.'"

635
00:35:37,593 --> 00:35:39,637
[audience cheering and applauding]

636
00:35:50,022 --> 00:35:53,276
Hey, I saw something interesting today
on social media.

637
00:35:53,776 --> 00:35:56,737
Somebody posted a very strong 
political opinion.

638
00:35:58,322 --> 00:35:59,949
And somebody replied,

639
00:36:00,032 --> 00:36:02,076
"Good point. I changed my mind."

640
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,620
[audience laughing and applauding]

641
00:36:06,539 --> 00:36:07,582
[audience cheering]

642
00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:14,213
No, I'm sorry. I saw a unicorn.
I saw a unicorn.

643
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:17,300
I saw a purple glittery flying unicorn.

644
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:20,428
Here's something I've learned
about social media:

645
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:22,930
the expression "just saying"…

646
00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:26,392
ain't never preceded by a compliment.

647
00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:28,352
[audience laughing]

648
00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:34,150
When I tweet, 
I never want to try to sound too young.

649
00:36:34,233 --> 00:36:38,237
But I also don't want to sound too old.
And I saw Metallica in concert.

650
00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:39,197
They're great.

651
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:40,865
[audience cheering]

652
00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:42,992
I wanted to tweet that they were great,

653
00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:45,828
but I didn't want to come off 
like an old fuddy-duddy.

654
00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:49,790
But I also didn't want to try to sound
like a young whippersnapper.

655
00:36:49,874 --> 00:36:51,292
[audience laughing]

656
00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:55,963
So I settled on, "Boy, these fellas
sure know how to boogie."

657
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,465
[audience laughing]

658
00:36:59,675 --> 00:37:01,385
I think I hit the sweet spot.

659
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:05,223
All my followers thought 
I was the cat's pajamas.

660
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:06,724
[audience laughing]

661
00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:10,311
"Pajamas" is a funny word.

662
00:37:10,895 --> 00:37:12,021
I like words.

663
00:37:12,897 --> 00:37:15,524
What is the smallest?
"Tiny," "teeny…"

664
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,485
"itty-bitty…"

665
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:19,487
"itsy-bitsy…"

666
00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:21,239
"teeny-weeny…"

667
00:37:21,739 --> 00:37:23,199
or "teensy-weensy"?

668
00:37:23,282 --> 00:37:24,700
[audience laughing]

669
00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:27,578
Kind of stuff keeps me up late at night.

670
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:28,913
[audience laughing]

671
00:37:29,789 --> 00:37:33,334
Scientists need to know
when they're looking in microscopes.

672
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:36,712
"I would describe this amoeba…

673
00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:40,466
as itty-bitty."

674
00:37:40,549 --> 00:37:42,218
[audience laughing]

675
00:37:42,301 --> 00:37:44,971
"Professor, come over here. 
See if you concur."

676
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:48,015
"See if you concur 
that this amoeba is itty-bitty."

677
00:37:48,099 --> 00:37:49,809
"Let me take a look at that."

678
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:52,728
"That's not itty-bitty."

679
00:37:53,437 --> 00:37:55,147
"That's teensy-weensy."

680
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:56,607
[audience laughing]

681
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,654
How come only small stuff
gets cute nicknames?

682
00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:05,574
How come we don't say the planet Jupiter
is biggy-wiggy?

683
00:38:05,658 --> 00:38:07,076
[audience laughing]

684
00:38:08,327 --> 00:38:11,372
"The universe is hugey-magroojy!"

685
00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:12,873
[audience laughing]

686
00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:15,543
I love space stuff.

687
00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:18,879
I saw a scientist on TV say they know,

688
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:22,133
if they build a space probe 
to explore distant galaxies

689
00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:23,301
and shoot it out,

690
00:38:23,384 --> 00:38:24,885
that a hundred years from now

691
00:38:24,969 --> 00:38:28,222
we'll be able to build a better, 
faster space probe

692
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:31,726
that will catch and pass that first one
before it ever gets anywhere.

693
00:38:31,809 --> 00:38:32,852
[audience laughing]

694
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:37,857
So the message is clear.

695
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:40,693
Everything we do today…

696
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,486
is a waste of time.

697
00:38:42,570 --> 00:38:43,904
[audience laughing]

698
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,658
[audience applauding and cheering]

699
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:54,373
We do send rovers up to Mars.

700
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:56,417
They're analyzing rocks.

701
00:38:57,418 --> 00:39:01,172
And some scientists think some
of the rocks are from volcanoes.

702
00:39:01,255 --> 00:39:02,423
[chuckles] Okay.

703
00:39:02,506 --> 00:39:03,632
[audience laughing]

704
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:06,344
If they expect me to believe 
that volcanoes…

705
00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:07,928
blew rocks…

706
00:39:09,221 --> 00:39:10,639
all the way to Mars…

707
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:12,266
[audience laughing]

708
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:19,565
Even Vesuvius in its heyday
didn't have that kind of oomph.

709
00:39:19,648 --> 00:39:21,067
[audience laughing]

710
00:39:22,651 --> 00:39:24,653
We're looking for water on Mars.

711
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:27,490
We're wheeling all around
trying to find water.

712
00:39:27,573 --> 00:39:28,991
Have we given up here?

713
00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:30,409
[audience laughing]

714
00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:33,746
I want to bring the scientists
over to my kitchen sink.

715
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:35,873
"Look what I discovered."

716
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:39,585
"When I pull this up…

717
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,464
water shoots out of the end
of this thing."

718
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:44,882
[audience laughing]

719
00:39:45,549 --> 00:39:47,301
"How's it going on Mars?"

720
00:39:48,636 --> 00:39:50,846
"Because this appears to be endless."

721
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:54,934
"Get some science jugs 
and fill those babies up,

722
00:39:55,017 --> 00:39:57,603
because I have hit 
the moisture mother lode."

723
00:39:57,686 --> 00:39:59,313
[audience laughing]

724
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,945
They're looking for water
to see if there's life on Mars.

725
00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:09,323
And I've always wondered,
what if there is life on Mars…

726
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,158
but it's teensy-weensy?

727
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:12,743
[audience laughing]

728
00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:15,496
And we're just crushing it 
with our rovers.

729
00:40:15,579 --> 00:40:17,206
[audience laughing]

730
00:40:17,289 --> 00:40:18,541
The camera on the front:

731
00:40:18,624 --> 00:40:21,585
"Everything appears to be 
dry and desolate."

732
00:40:21,669 --> 00:40:22,711
Under the wheels:

733
00:40:22,795 --> 00:40:23,963
[screams]

734
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,089
[audience laughing]

735
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:27,883
We're just mushing Martians into mulch.

736
00:40:28,926 --> 00:40:30,428
"What's that green streak?"

737
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:31,929
[audience laughing]

738
00:40:36,642 --> 00:40:39,437
I was 11 years old 
when we landed on the moon.

739
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,148
Our whole family was gathered 
around a TV.

740
00:40:42,231 --> 00:40:46,527
My parents raised some good kids.
I didn't pursue a life of crime.

741
00:40:47,528 --> 00:40:48,946
[audience laughing]

742
00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:54,368
One reason, I remember that expression
when I was a kid:

743
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,162
"crime does not pay."

744
00:40:58,247 --> 00:41:01,208
Crime does not pay?
That's why we shouldn't do it?

745
00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:03,961
"Do you do crime?"
"Oh, well, I love crime."

746
00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:09,341
"I love almost everything about crime.
Crime is fantastic."

747
00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:12,011
"You don't have to sell me 
on that side of the equation."

748
00:41:12,094 --> 00:41:13,304
[audience laughing]

749
00:41:14,138 --> 00:41:15,389
"The reason…

750
00:41:16,515 --> 00:41:19,602
the reason that I don't do crime…

751
00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:23,105
and I've crunched the numbers…

752
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:24,607
[audience laughing]

753
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:27,651
it doesn't pay!"

754
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,361
[audience laughing]

755
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:32,490
"Sure, if it paid,
I'd be doing crime left and right."

756
00:41:32,573 --> 00:41:36,619
"But crime doesn't pay,
so that's why I don't do crime."

757
00:41:36,702 --> 00:41:38,037
[audience laughing]

758
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:43,209
Another crime motto even more twisted:

759
00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:44,668
"Don't do the crime…

760
00:41:45,794 --> 00:41:48,339
-if you can't do the time."
-[audience] "If you can't do the time."

761
00:41:49,256 --> 00:41:50,090
Damn.

762
00:41:51,091 --> 00:41:54,803
I'm intrigued that the motto isn't,
"Don't do the crime…

763
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:58,307
because that would be wrong."

764
00:41:58,390 --> 00:41:59,808
[audience laughing]

765
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:03,354
[audience cheering and applauding]

766
00:42:08,943 --> 00:42:12,279
They have to make it a choice 
between two selfish options?

767
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:14,532
"Oh, that crime? I want to do it!"

768
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:18,035
"That's a great crime.
I want to do that crime."

769
00:42:18,118 --> 00:42:22,706
The problem, though,
with that particular crime,

770
00:42:22,790 --> 00:42:26,502
it's 15 years in the federal penitentiary.

771
00:42:26,585 --> 00:42:27,878
[grunts loudly]

772
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,129
[audience laughing]

773
00:42:29,213 --> 00:42:30,214
[yells]

774
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:32,550
"I don't have the time!"

775
00:42:32,633 --> 00:42:34,051
[audience laughing]

776
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:39,640
"I wish I could,
but I have a family and dreams."

777
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:40,933
[audience laughing]

778
00:42:41,016 --> 00:42:43,477
"I don't have enough time
to do that crime."

779
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:47,147
"Now this crime, on the other hand,

780
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:49,650
one month in the county jail?"

781
00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:52,528
[audience laughing]

782
00:42:52,611 --> 00:42:53,696
"I'm doing it!"

783
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:57,449
"I have enough time.
I have enough time to do that crime."

784
00:42:57,533 --> 00:42:58,492
[audience laughing]

785
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:02,705
"I base my crime decisions on how much
time I have available in my calendar."

786
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:04,498
"That's what I've been taught."

787
00:43:06,542 --> 00:43:07,960
That's us teaching us.

788
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:12,464
As much as I'm against crime,

789
00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:15,301
there are things we do to criminals
that I think are unfair.

790
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:18,220
I think it's unfair 
that tampering with evidence

791
00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:22,266
is an additional crime 
on top of the actual crime.

792
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:23,642
[audience laughing]

793
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:25,060
Talk about piling on.

794
00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:30,190
Anything that would be done naturally
during the scope of the crime

795
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:32,151
should just be part of the crime.

796
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:33,569
[audience laughing]

797
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:35,571
Tampering with evidence.

798
00:43:35,654 --> 00:43:39,074
Has any criminal ever taken that 
into consideration…

799
00:43:39,158 --> 00:43:41,201
when fleeing the scene of a crime?

800
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:43,412
"All right, let's get out of here!"

801
00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:47,416
"Toby, what are you doing?"

802
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,712
"I'm wiping up the fingerprints
and getting rid of everything."

803
00:43:53,714 --> 00:43:54,965
"Are you crazy?"

804
00:43:55,049 --> 00:43:56,383
[audience laughing]

805
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:58,677
"That's a crime!"

806
00:43:58,761 --> 00:44:00,179
[audience laughing]

807
00:44:02,556 --> 00:44:04,224
"You're going to get us in trouble!"

808
00:44:04,308 --> 00:44:05,934
[audience laughing]

809
00:44:09,813 --> 00:44:13,317
You're not allowed to tamper with evidence
after you commit a crime.

810
00:44:17,029 --> 00:44:18,238
You're not allowed.

811
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:24,286
Has any criminal ever 
not tampered with evidence…

812
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:27,414
and gotten anything out of that?

813
00:44:28,415 --> 00:44:31,502
"You've been found guilty
of the crime in question."

814
00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:38,300
"Your penalty: life in prison
without the possibility of parole."

815
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:42,429
"But…

816
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:43,764
[audience laughing]

817
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:47,768
we do want to note you were nice enough
not to tamper with the evidence."

818
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:49,228
[audience laughing]

819
00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:56,694
"In fact, the lead investigator said
it was the most pristine crime scene…

820
00:44:58,028 --> 00:45:01,824
he'd ever happened upon 
in his entire illustrious career."

821
00:45:02,908 --> 00:45:05,494
"So as a tip of the hat,
you get to choose…

822
00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:07,579
top bunk or bottom."

823
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,498
[audience laughing and cheering]

824
00:45:14,336 --> 00:45:19,049
I saw a thing on the news,  a judge
dismissed a case without prejudice.

825
00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:20,926
Whoa.

826
00:45:21,885 --> 00:45:23,595
Shouldn't that always be the case?

827
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:24,888
[audience laughing]

828
00:45:24,972 --> 00:45:26,390
How else would you do that?

829
00:45:26,473 --> 00:45:29,935
"Case dismissed.
And it's because you're white like me."

830
00:45:30,018 --> 00:45:31,645
[audience laughing]

831
00:45:33,522 --> 00:45:35,482
"Get out of here, you knucklehead."

832
00:45:35,566 --> 00:45:37,568
[audience laughing and applauding]

833
00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:47,911
If the defendant does not take the stand
in his defense…

834
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:51,457
the judge has to instruct the jury
something to this effect:

835
00:45:51,540 --> 00:45:55,669
"Notice in this trial the defendant chose
not to take the stand in his defense."

836
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:58,213
"You are not allowed to weigh that 
one way or the other

837
00:45:58,297 --> 00:46:00,007
while considering 
the rest of the evidence."

838
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:04,803
I understand the need for instructions.
I think they should just tweak them a tad.

839
00:46:04,887 --> 00:46:07,723
I think the judge should say,
"You might notice in this trial,

840
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:10,601
the defendant chose not
to take the stand in his defense."

841
00:46:11,518 --> 00:46:13,771
"We just want you to know that means…

842
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:15,522
[clears throat]

843
00:46:15,606 --> 00:46:17,065
[audience laughing]

844
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:21,195
[clearing throat loudly]

845
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:29,411
you can start validating parking."

846
00:46:29,495 --> 00:46:30,913
[audience laughing]

847
00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:36,126
I can't even imagine
not taking the stand in my defense

848
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:37,836
if I was innocent of something.

849
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:39,630
You imagine your lawyer asking you,

850
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:42,049
"Do you want to go tell him 
you didn't do it?"

851
00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:45,219
"I'm awfully bashful."

852
00:46:45,302 --> 00:46:46,720
[audience laughing]

853
00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:52,643
"I know, but they're thinking of
throwing you in the electric chair, so…

854
00:46:52,726 --> 00:46:54,895
maybe if you could muscle through
your discomfort."

855
00:46:54,978 --> 00:46:56,271
[audience laughing]

856
00:46:58,106 --> 00:46:59,983
"I'll take my chances."

857
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,652
[audience laughing]

858
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:05,614
"Fire up the chair, Your Honor."

859
00:47:06,490 --> 00:47:07,866
"What do you want from me?"

860
00:47:11,119 --> 00:47:15,749
I heard some states carry out 
capital punishment at 7:00 in the morning.

861
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,167
Talk about cruel.

862
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:18,752
[audience laughing]

863
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,463
Is that guy supposed to get some sleep
the night before?

864
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:23,882
"Yeah, I think I'm going to hit the rack."

865
00:47:23,966 --> 00:47:25,342
"Get some shut-eye."

866
00:47:27,135 --> 00:47:28,971
"Yup, got a short day tomorrow."

867
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,472
[audience laughing]

868
00:47:33,851 --> 00:47:35,727
I'll tell you what should be a crime:

869
00:47:35,811 --> 00:47:39,565
people boarding planes
while wearing backpacks.

870
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:41,567
[audience cheering and applauding]

871
00:47:41,650 --> 00:47:44,236
If you're someone who does that,
a little heads-up:

872
00:47:44,319 --> 00:47:47,447
your backpacks
are hitting people in the face.

873
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:50,492
-[audience laughing]
-[imitating thudding]

874
00:47:54,538 --> 00:47:56,999
"I only care about what's in front of me!"

875
00:47:57,082 --> 00:47:58,333
[imitates thudding]

876
00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:00,919
"The hell with everything in my wake!"

877
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:02,880
[imitates thudding]

878
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,339
[audience laughing]

879
00:48:06,091 --> 00:48:08,719
You know when you sit 
in the emergency exit row seat

880
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:11,054
and you agree to save everyone…

881
00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:12,681
[audience laughing]

882
00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:16,268
how come when the flight is over,
no one thanks you?

883
00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:18,353
[audience laughing and applauding]

884
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:21,648
Seriously.

885
00:48:24,818 --> 00:48:27,404
It's amazing what you might have done.

886
00:48:27,487 --> 00:48:29,740
You'd think someone 
would take note of that.

887
00:48:29,823 --> 00:48:32,409
"Hey, I heard what went down
before takeoff."

888
00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:34,286
"Thank you."

889
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:37,748
"The fact that you were willing
to put your life on the line

890
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:41,293
to save me, my family 
and all the other souls on this plane

891
00:48:41,376 --> 00:48:43,337
is nothing short of outstanding."

892
00:48:43,420 --> 00:48:45,339
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

893
00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:48,091
No, just a backpack
to the back of the head.

894
00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:49,134
[imitates thudding]

895
00:48:49,217 --> 00:48:51,678
"I was an almost-responder!"

896
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,180
[audience laughing]

897
00:48:55,974 --> 00:48:57,851
[cheers and applause]

898
00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:05,859
I like to be thanked.

899
00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:10,614
That's why I know I would never be good
at that animal rescue stuff.

900
00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:14,409
I wouldn't be good at it.

901
00:49:14,993 --> 00:49:19,373
You ever see news footage 
of some wild horse stuck in a ravine?

902
00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:23,001
They got to bring trucks in,
and chains, and harnesses,

903
00:49:23,085 --> 00:49:25,545
and figure out how to get down
into the ravine,

904
00:49:25,629 --> 00:49:28,840
and get the harness around this horse 
while it's going berserk,

905
00:49:28,924 --> 00:49:31,593
pull this thing out
while it's kicking and going nuts,

906
00:49:31,677 --> 00:49:34,346
get close enough to get the harness off
without getting hurt,

907
00:49:34,429 --> 00:49:37,265
and soon as they do, 
it just hauls into the woods.

908
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:38,225
"Hey!"

909
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:39,726
[audience laughing]

910
00:49:45,273 --> 00:49:48,986
I would want the horse to stop 
somewhere before the tree line.

911
00:49:49,069 --> 00:49:50,445
Clippity-cloppity clip.

912
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:52,948
"Thanks."

913
00:49:53,031 --> 00:49:54,449
[audience laughing]

914
00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:57,828
Then do that up-on-the-hind-leg thing.

915
00:49:57,911 --> 00:49:59,705
[neighing]

916
00:50:01,707 --> 00:50:02,958
Then haul into the woods.

917
00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:04,001
[audience laughing]

918
00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,669
Am I asking for too much?

919
00:50:08,630 --> 00:50:13,010
All I'm saying is if I scrub oil
off a duck with a toothbrush…

920
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:14,511
[audience laughing]

921
00:50:15,554 --> 00:50:17,472
I'm going to want a little quack-you.

922
00:50:17,556 --> 00:50:18,974
[audience laughing]

923
00:50:20,934 --> 00:50:23,603
Turn your little duck head 
and go, "Thanks."

924
00:50:24,730 --> 00:50:26,481
That's all I needed from you.

925
00:50:27,649 --> 00:50:29,901
"Wouldn't have been able to do this 
without you."

926
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:31,028
"Yeah, I know."

927
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,364
"People are smarter than animals."

928
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:35,866
[audience laughing]

929
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:38,827
[cheering and applause]

930
00:50:44,124 --> 00:50:47,502
"With all due respect, I wouldn't have
oil on me if it weren't for people."

931
00:50:47,586 --> 00:50:48,837
[audience laughing]

932
00:50:49,629 --> 00:50:50,505
"Just saying."

933
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:54,593
"Somebody shut this stupid 
talking duck up."

934
00:50:54,676 --> 00:50:55,969
[audience laughing]

935
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:57,596
"Stupid talking duck."

936
00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:01,725
[audience cheering and applauding]

937
00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:09,483
This is a beautiful venue. Look at this.

938
00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:11,318
[audience cheering and applauding]

939
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:14,905
Amazing.

940
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,452
I get to play some pretty cool places.

941
00:51:20,535 --> 00:51:23,080
Some places I play have an orchestra pit.

942
00:51:23,580 --> 00:51:25,499
Those words don't belong together.

943
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:28,460
"Orchestra." "Pit!"

944
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:29,503
[audience laughing]

945
00:51:29,586 --> 00:51:31,713
The people who work there 
look tremendous.

946
00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:34,091
They come in in gowns and tuxedos.

947
00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:35,926
Man, you guys look amazing.

948
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:37,427
Oh, you're in the orchestra.

949
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:40,639
"Get in the pit! Get in the pit!"

950
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:43,517
"Get down in the pit!"

951
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:45,310
"Get in the pit!"

952
00:51:45,393 --> 00:51:46,978
[audience laughing]

953
00:51:47,562 --> 00:51:50,524
Why do they have to dress so nice?
You can't even see them.

954
00:51:50,607 --> 00:51:52,067
[audience laughing]

955
00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:54,694
At the end of the show, 
they stand up and bow.

956
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:57,280
At best you see their eyebrows.
"Thank you."

957
00:51:57,989 --> 00:51:59,908
"Thank you very much."

958
00:51:59,991 --> 00:52:03,787
"Thank-- I'm wearing $90 socks 
for some reason, thank you."

959
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:05,997
"Thank you, thank you."

960
00:52:08,875 --> 00:52:09,960
You know what kills me?

961
00:52:10,043 --> 00:52:12,212
When you go to a show
that has an orchestra,

962
00:52:12,295 --> 00:52:15,632
how come as you're walking in,
they're practicing?

963
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:19,052
I never understood that.

964
00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,595
You're walking in, you're hearing:

965
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:22,139
[imitates horn blowing low notes]

966
00:52:22,222 --> 00:52:23,640
[audience laughing]

967
00:52:23,723 --> 00:52:25,350
[imitates playing high notes]

968
00:52:25,433 --> 00:52:27,894
[imitates alternating
high and low notes]

969
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,020
"Hey, uh…

970
00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:31,940
doors are open."

971
00:52:32,023 --> 00:52:33,441
[audience laughing]

972
00:52:34,734 --> 00:52:36,987
"Paid a lot of money for these tickets."

973
00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:40,907
"Could you all practice 
before we get here?"

974
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,451
[imitates playing low notes]

975
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:46,037
"I bet we're going to be hearing
that again later."

976
00:52:46,121 --> 00:52:48,206
-[audience laughing]
-[imitates low notes]

977
00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:50,333
[imitating playing rapid high notes]

978
00:52:50,417 --> 00:52:52,669
"Bet something's going to fly 
in this show."

979
00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:53,879
[audience laughing]

980
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:56,631
What is that?

981
00:52:56,756 --> 00:53:00,677
You don't want to see the actor practicing
as you're walking in.

982
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:04,306
"To be, or not to--
No, too big. Too big. Bring it down."

983
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:08,268
"To be-- Nope, too subtle.
Split the difference."

984
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:11,771
"To be-- Oh, they're coming in."

985
00:53:11,855 --> 00:53:13,356
[audience laughing]

986
00:53:17,652 --> 00:53:19,070
[audience applauding]

987
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:24,326
Makes you wonder, is that
how the actor runs, or the character?

988
00:53:24,409 --> 00:53:25,660
[audience laughing]

989
00:53:29,831 --> 00:53:31,875
I don't understand marching bands.

990
00:53:33,084 --> 00:53:34,753
I understand bands.

991
00:53:34,836 --> 00:53:36,796
I don't understand marching bands.

992
00:53:37,297 --> 00:53:39,758
There are many occupations in this world.

993
00:53:40,258 --> 00:53:44,679
And how come none of the others
have taken on this added task?

994
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:46,556
[audience laughing]

995
00:53:46,640 --> 00:53:49,517
You don't see marching taxidermists.

996
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:52,062
♪ You got to stuff that otter ♪

997
00:53:52,145 --> 00:53:54,189
♪ You got to stuff it good  ♪

998
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,983
♪ Stuff that otter
And stick it on some wood ♪

999
00:53:57,067 --> 00:53:58,318
[audience laughing]

1000
00:53:59,319 --> 00:54:01,780
"Why don't you sit down
and stuff the otter?"

1001
00:54:01,863 --> 00:54:04,491
"It might be easier if you were seated."

1002
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:06,534
[audience laughing]

1003
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:08,078
Yes, it's ridiculous.

1004
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:10,705
So why is it normal for bands?

1005
00:54:11,248 --> 00:54:13,291
What group of musicians 
were sitting around…?

1006
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:14,834
[imitates strumming tune]

1007
00:54:17,837 --> 00:54:20,006
Don't ask what instrument
that's supposed to be.

1008
00:54:20,090 --> 00:54:21,925
[audience laughing and applauding]

1009
00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:25,637
[imitates strumming tune]

1010
00:54:26,388 --> 00:54:27,555
[chuckles]

1011
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:29,474
[imitates strumming]

1012
00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:32,686
[imitates strumming]

1013
00:54:32,769 --> 00:54:34,271
[audience laughing]

1014
00:54:34,354 --> 00:54:35,605
"Hey, I got an idea."

1015
00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:39,651
"Why don't we kick these chairs out
from underneath us…

1016
00:54:39,734 --> 00:54:43,863
and start walking around and trying
to spell stuff with our bodies…

1017
00:54:43,947 --> 00:54:45,448
[audience laughing]

1018
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:48,618
so people in blimps
know what teams we support?"

1019
00:54:49,828 --> 00:54:52,080
"I'm sure the tuba player
loved that idea."

1020
00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:53,373
"Oh, great."

1021
00:54:53,456 --> 00:54:54,708
[imitates playing tuba]

1022
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:56,209
[audience laughing]

1023
00:54:56,293 --> 00:54:57,919
"Great idea, flute person."

1024
00:54:58,003 --> 00:54:59,462
[imitating playing tuba]

1025
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:04,259
The marching band had to be 
a flute person's idea.

1026
00:55:04,342 --> 00:55:05,510
"Come on, let's march."

1027
00:55:05,593 --> 00:55:07,137
[imitating playing flute]

1028
00:55:07,220 --> 00:55:08,054
"Come on."

1029
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:11,433
"Wait! We need straps and stuff!"

1030
00:55:11,516 --> 00:55:13,393
"Come on. It's easy."

1031
00:55:13,476 --> 00:55:14,686
[imitates playing flute]

1032
00:55:14,769 --> 00:55:16,855
"Wait! We need harnesses!"

1033
00:55:16,938 --> 00:55:18,106
[audience laughing]

1034
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:19,649
[imitates playing flute]

1035
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:23,069
[yelling] "We're not ready!
We're not ready!"

1036
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:24,863
[audience laughing]

1037
00:55:24,946 --> 00:55:26,573
[cheering and applause]

1038
00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:38,418
Hey, whoever invented the bagpipes…

1039
00:55:40,587 --> 00:55:42,213
I don't think he's finished yet.

1040
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:43,631
[audience laughing]

1041
00:55:44,507 --> 00:55:46,551
You ever look at that monstrosity?

1042
00:55:47,135 --> 00:55:50,805
He must have thought there was a deadline
at the patent office.

1043
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:53,516
He probably just ran in 
and threw that on a counter.

1044
00:55:53,600 --> 00:55:54,434
[yells]

1045
00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:56,144
"Am I too late?"

1046
00:55:56,227 --> 00:55:57,645
[audience laughing]

1047
00:56:00,148 --> 00:56:01,983
"What in the world is that?"

1048
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:06,529
"It's a bag! With pipes stuck in it!

1049
00:56:07,822 --> 00:56:09,616
"I stuck the pipes in a bag!"

1050
00:56:13,328 --> 00:56:14,204
"Bagpipes."

1051
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:15,705
[audience laughing]

1052
00:56:18,416 --> 00:56:19,459
"No, I see it."

1053
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:20,960
[audience laughing]

1054
00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:23,546
"Why?"

1055
00:56:23,630 --> 00:56:24,672
[audience laughing]

1056
00:56:24,756 --> 00:56:25,924
"What does it do?"

1057
00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:29,094
"What does it do?
It's a bag with pipes!"

1058
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:31,888
"Sticking in and out of it!"

1059
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:35,558
"What does it do?"

1060
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:39,062
-[imitates high-pitched note]
-[audience laughing]

1061
00:56:39,145 --> 00:56:40,647
"What does it do?"

1062
00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:41,815
[imitates high-pitched note]

1063
00:56:42,607 --> 00:56:44,150
"What does it do?"

1064
00:56:45,110 --> 00:56:46,903
[imitates note] "What…?"

1065
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,405
[audience laughing]

1066
00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:50,824
What does it do?

1067
00:56:50,907 --> 00:56:51,866
[audience laughing]

1068
00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:55,161
How can you tell 
if anybody's ever playing them well?

1069
00:56:56,329 --> 00:56:59,457
You have a guy over here--
[imitates playing high-pitched notes]

1070
00:56:59,541 --> 00:57:00,917
"He's the best."

1071
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:02,252
[audience laughing]

1072
00:57:03,545 --> 00:57:06,005
This guy's over here--
[imitates playing high-pitched notes]

1073
00:57:06,089 --> 00:57:07,966
"He doesn't know how to play that thing."

1074
00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:10,885
"Stick your elbow more in the bag.
Everybody knows that."

1075
00:57:10,969 --> 00:57:11,928
[audience laughing]

1076
00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:13,430
Hey, you guys are wonderful.

1077
00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:14,889
[audience cheering]

1078
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,182
Thank you very much.

1079
00:57:17,225 --> 00:57:18,476
Thank you.

1080
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,437
[bagpipe music playing]

1081
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,105
[cheering continues]

1082
00:57:25,483 --> 00:57:26,401
Thank you so much.

1083
00:57:26,484 --> 00:57:28,903
You guys are great.
Really appreciate it. Good night.

1084
00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:44,127
[bagpipe music continues]