WEBVTT FILE 1 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:13.000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14.931 --> 00:00:15.807 Hey, guys. 4 00:00:17.100 --> 00:00:18.727 How's everybody doing? 5 00:00:19.644 --> 00:00:22.522 Excited to announce that I proposed 6 00:00:22.564 --> 00:00:25.775 to my girlfriend of two years yesterday and she said yes. 7 00:00:27.485 --> 00:00:29.404 (light clapping) 8 00:00:31.531 --> 00:00:33.366 I'm just kidding. 9 00:00:33.408 --> 00:00:34.909 I've actually been single 10 00:00:34.951 --> 00:00:38.246 for the last seven years and my life is kind of jacked up. 11 00:00:39.289 --> 00:00:41.207 I'm 25 years old, 12 00:00:41.249 --> 00:00:43.710 I share one bathroom with three roommates. 13 00:00:43.752 --> 00:00:46.755 And last year I chipped my tooth on a fidget spinner. 14 00:00:47.756 --> 00:00:49.049 I just wanted to see what it 15 00:00:49.090 --> 00:00:51.760 felt like to get people excited for me for once. 16 00:00:53.094 --> 00:00:54.721 And I feel bad, I lied. 17 00:00:54.763 --> 00:00:56.431 I'm obviously not 25. 18 00:00:57.932 --> 00:00:59.851 I'm like 19 or something. 19 00:01:01.269 --> 00:01:02.729 But nonetheless, 20 00:01:02.771 --> 00:01:05.398 I'm going to try to do a great comedy set for you all. 21 00:01:05.440 --> 00:01:08.401 But if it doesn't go well, I don't really care because 22 00:01:08.443 --> 00:01:11.613 comedy is just my hobby and sales is my passion. 23 00:01:13.114 --> 00:01:15.283 Sales, getting the numbers in the green. 24 00:01:17.702 --> 00:01:18.828 That's a pretty good one. 25 00:01:20.663 --> 00:01:22.290 Thank you. 26 00:01:22.624 --> 00:01:24.376 (upbeat music) 27 00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:27.671 My name is Carmen Christopher and I'm a comedian. 28 00:01:29.464 --> 00:01:30.924 Over the last several years, 29 00:01:30.965 --> 00:01:33.259 I've been doing shows pretty much every night of the week 30 00:01:33.301 --> 00:01:35.553 around New York City and touring the country, 31 00:01:35.595 --> 00:01:38.556 really refining my act so that I appeal to more than 32 00:01:38.598 --> 00:01:41.559 just a bunch of smelly dudes in a Brooklyn basement. 33 00:01:41.601 --> 00:01:45.021 But then the pandemic hit and comedy venues have closed. 34 00:01:45.063 --> 00:01:46.773 But I think people still want to laugh. 35 00:01:46.815 --> 00:01:48.191 So I say, fuck it, 36 00:01:48.233 --> 00:01:49.609 I'm going to take my best material and I'm going to do 37 00:01:49.651 --> 00:01:51.569 it on the streets of New York City, 38 00:01:51.611 --> 00:01:55.198 unsolicited for people who do not even see it coming. 39 00:01:55.782 --> 00:01:58.827 (upbeat music) 40 00:02:00.203 --> 00:02:01.663 I noticed recently a lot 41 00:02:01.705 --> 00:02:04.124 of people have been changing their names to reflect their 42 00:02:04.165 --> 00:02:05.792 heritage more accurately. 43 00:02:06.501 --> 00:02:09.004 And that inspired me to do so. 44 00:02:09.045 --> 00:02:11.923 I'm half Mexican, half Italian. 45 00:02:11.965 --> 00:02:13.383 (horns honking) 46 00:02:13.425 --> 00:02:15.760 So I'm going to change my name from Carmen Christopher 47 00:02:15.802 --> 00:02:20.515 to Carlos, the cartel guy, de-christophono, the mob boss. 48 00:02:20.974 --> 00:02:22.517 (light laughter) 49 00:02:23.184 --> 00:02:24.811 I come from a working class, 50 00:02:24.853 --> 00:02:28.189 blue collar Catholic family in Chicago. 51 00:02:28.231 --> 00:02:29.733 So when I go home 52 00:02:29.774 --> 00:02:32.652 for the holidays and tell them that I meditate and do yoga, 53 00:02:32.694 --> 00:02:35.155 they try to put me into conversion therapy. 54 00:02:35.196 --> 00:02:38.199 - Fail. 55 00:02:38.241 --> 00:02:40.160 Like I said, I grew up in Chicago 56 00:02:40.201 --> 00:02:42.454 and a little bit of a rougher neighborhood, 57 00:02:42.495 --> 00:02:44.622 like instead of singing the Pledge of Allegiance 58 00:02:44.664 --> 00:02:47.167 before class each day, we would sing 59 00:02:47.208 --> 00:02:49.669 "Insane In the Membrane" by Cypress Hill. 60 00:02:50.378 --> 00:02:52.297 Hand on the heart and everything. 61 00:02:53.506 --> 00:02:55.675 I was cool with that, though, because I love hip hop. 62 00:02:55.717 --> 00:02:58.553 I always wanted to be a rapper growing up, but nobody took me 63 00:02:58.595 --> 00:03:00.847 seriously because my rap name was 64 00:03:00.889 --> 00:03:02.807 Lil Peepee Cry Baby Boy. 65 00:03:02.849 --> 00:03:04.809 (laughing) 66 00:03:05.101 --> 00:03:07.187 Thank you. Not to be confused 67 00:03:07.228 --> 00:03:09.522 with Lil Dickie, if anybody knows that rapper, 68 00:03:09.564 --> 00:03:11.149 tell him I'm going to beat his ass. 69 00:03:11.191 --> 00:03:12.275 I have a way 70 00:03:13.735 --> 00:03:15.779 smaller penis than him. My penis is so small that you 71 00:03:15.820 --> 00:03:18.531 can pack inside of a one hitter and smoke it. 72 00:03:18.573 --> 00:03:21.618 - Push it back in, right? 73 00:03:21.659 --> 00:03:24.287 Exactly, man. Yeah, Let me tell you what, buddy. 74 00:03:24.329 --> 00:03:26.122 My penis is so small that you 75 00:03:26.164 --> 00:03:28.249 could clean a Nintendo cartridge with it 76 00:03:29.918 --> 00:03:31.044 I'm just messing around guys, 77 00:03:31.086 --> 00:03:32.921 I got pretty average guy down there. 78 00:03:32.962 --> 00:03:36.007 I interviewed for a job at Footlocker some years back 79 00:03:36.049 --> 00:03:38.051 and unfortunately, I was not hired. 80 00:03:38.093 --> 00:03:39.594 If I was hired, man, 81 00:03:39.636 --> 00:03:41.763 you'd be walking in and I'd be like, hey, what's up, Papi? 82 00:03:41.805 --> 00:03:43.598 Welcome to Foot Locker 83 00:03:43.640 --> 00:03:45.225 If you need help with anything, 84 00:03:45.266 --> 00:03:47.894 just halla at me. I'm the district manager here. 85 00:03:47.936 --> 00:03:49.229 I've been working here for 12 86 00:03:49.270 --> 00:03:51.731 years and I get my haircut at Chipotle. 87 00:03:52.941 --> 00:03:56.611 Here I'm doing stand up, and the reason I'm doing stand 88 00:03:56.653 --> 00:04:00.573 up is because I actually got kicked off all my improv teams 89 00:04:00.615 --> 00:04:03.827 because I would only do scenes from "Remember the Titans" 90 00:04:04.411 --> 00:04:07.038 And because I brought a gun to rehearsal. 91 00:04:07.789 --> 00:04:09.499 Oh, shit. I'm actually getting a phone call. 92 00:04:09.541 --> 00:04:11.126 Do you guys mind if I take this? 93 00:04:11.167 --> 00:04:12.293 Oh shit. 94 00:04:13.962 --> 00:04:15.296 Hello. 95 00:04:15.547 --> 00:04:17.215 Hey, what's up, fellas? 96 00:04:18.008 --> 00:04:20.218 Good, good, I'm actually in the middle of a comedy set. 97 00:04:20.260 --> 00:04:21.302 Can I call you back? 98 00:04:22.512 --> 00:04:23.972 Ok, sure, just make it quick. 99 00:04:24.014 --> 00:04:24.723 Sorry. 100 00:04:26.266 --> 00:04:27.726 Yeah, I thought about your 101 00:04:27.767 --> 00:04:30.562 guys offer, but unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass. 102 00:04:35.108 --> 00:04:36.609 No, 103 00:04:36.651 --> 00:04:39.446 you can't just kill me because I don't want to join ISIS. 104 00:04:40.989 --> 00:04:42.449 Ok, well, then you can come 105 00:04:42.490 --> 00:04:44.659 find me now we're all down at Grand Army Plaza. 106 00:04:44.701 --> 00:04:45.994 Fuck you. 107 00:04:47.245 --> 00:04:48.747 Sorry about that. 108 00:04:48.788 --> 00:04:51.458 I love doing comedy, except I got this stepdad 109 00:04:51.499 --> 00:04:53.626 from the South who always feels the need to run these 110 00:04:53.668 --> 00:04:56.963 really bad jokes by me that have no punch lines. 111 00:04:57.005 --> 00:04:58.173 The only way that you'll know 112 00:04:58.214 --> 00:05:00.342 the joke is over because he'll go like this. 113 00:05:02.344 --> 00:05:04.554 - I was waiting for it. 114 00:05:04.596 --> 00:05:07.474 He'll be like, I was in New York the other 115 00:05:07.515 --> 00:05:11.353 day for the first time. I was walking down the street 116 00:05:11.394 --> 00:05:15.315 and I see this big black bag on the sidewalk. 117 00:05:15.357 --> 00:05:17.317 Well, I like free stuff. 118 00:05:17.359 --> 00:05:19.861 So I take it back to the hotel, open it up. 119 00:05:19.903 --> 00:05:21.363 It's garbage. 120 00:05:26.242 --> 00:05:27.619 Good stuff. - All right. 121 00:05:27.660 --> 00:05:29.871 - Thank you guys. That's enough. Thanks man. 122 00:05:29.913 --> 00:05:31.122 - We're gonna keep carrying this. 123 00:05:31.164 --> 00:05:32.499 - Alright. Have a good day. 124 00:05:33.041 --> 00:05:36.002 (upbeat music) 125 00:05:37.212 --> 00:05:40.423 I'd like to share a special talent I have with you all. 126 00:05:40.465 --> 00:05:42.509 A few years back, I was named 127 00:05:42.550 --> 00:05:46.471 The World's Best Tongue Clicker by Bizzaro magazine. 128 00:05:46.513 --> 00:05:48.348 Most people, they were out there, 129 00:05:48.390 --> 00:05:50.392 they were clicking their tongues like this. 130 00:05:51.810 --> 00:05:53.395 (clicking sound) 131 00:05:54.938 --> 00:05:57.899 But when I click my tongue, it sounds like this. 132 00:05:58.316 --> 00:06:01.111 (techno music) 133 00:06:13.957 --> 00:06:16.001 (techno music) 134 00:06:33.226 --> 00:06:34.561 Yeah, I've pretty much been 135 00:06:34.602 --> 00:06:37.856 on my grind this quarantine. Every morning I wake up, 136 00:06:37.897 --> 00:06:41.693 I soak my underwear and socks in cold water, put them on, 137 00:06:41.735 --> 00:06:44.487 then do all my chores for the day, because once you 138 00:06:44.529 --> 00:06:47.323 get comfortable, you stop grinding. 139 00:06:48.491 --> 00:06:50.910 And I just feel like if I keep working hard and keep working 140 00:06:50.952 --> 00:06:54.748 hard, I'll find a way to bring my grandparents back to life. 141 00:06:56.624 --> 00:06:58.585 This is fucking sick. 142 00:06:58.626 --> 00:07:00.837 So apparently, like 143 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:02.756 people are starting to tag me on Insta Stories. 144 00:07:02.797 --> 00:07:04.466 So it's like already going viral. 145 00:07:04.507 --> 00:07:06.134 1,310. 146 00:07:06.176 --> 00:07:08.595 They're following 3,752 147 00:07:09.346 --> 00:07:11.931 Fuck! This is... This is good. 148 00:07:15.143 --> 00:07:17.687 Hey, if dogs love food so much, 149 00:07:17.729 --> 00:07:19.147 why don't they learn how to cook? 150 00:07:20.398 --> 00:07:21.399 Ha ha. 151 00:07:22.567 --> 00:07:24.819 I've been doing a transcendental meditation 152 00:07:24.861 --> 00:07:26.446 lately and it's really great for me. 153 00:07:26.488 --> 00:07:27.864 It helps me focus. 154 00:07:27.906 --> 00:07:30.658 It makes me feel like I could literally do anything. 155 00:07:30.700 --> 00:07:31.868 Like just the other day, 156 00:07:31.910 --> 00:07:34.662 a shooter walked on to the train and I just 157 00:07:34.704 --> 00:07:37.415 stayed calm, locked eyes with him, 158 00:07:37.457 --> 00:07:41.169 quickly disarmed and broke his arm, set him down and waited 159 00:07:41.211 --> 00:07:43.588 for authorities to come arrest him. 160 00:07:43.630 --> 00:07:46.007 When the cops got there, we just high fived for like 161 00:07:46.049 --> 00:07:48.551 a half an hour and drank Miller High Lifes. 162 00:07:48.593 --> 00:07:49.803 They even let me ride 163 00:07:49.844 --> 00:07:52.138 on the top of their squad car like Teen Wolf. 164 00:07:53.890 --> 00:07:55.141 Ha ha. 165 00:07:55.183 --> 00:07:57.560 All right. Have a good night, folks. 166 00:07:57.602 --> 00:07:58.561 - How are ya? - Good. 167 00:07:58.603 --> 00:07:59.854 How are you doing? - Good. 168 00:07:59.896 --> 00:08:03.149 You can't preach in front of my bar. I'm sorry. 169 00:08:03.191 --> 00:08:04.984 - Oh, I wasn't preaching. I was doing stand up. 170 00:08:05.026 --> 00:08:05.860 - Okay. - Alright. 171 00:08:05.902 --> 00:08:07.278 But my real dream is to get 172 00:08:07.320 --> 00:08:09.989 shot and have all my ex-girlfriends come visit 173 00:08:10.031 --> 00:08:12.826 me in the hospital, take a picture with them 174 00:08:12.867 --> 00:08:14.911 post it to Instagram and caption it 175 00:08:14.953 --> 00:08:17.038 "Ha ha ha. Look, they're still obsessed" 176 00:08:19.207 --> 00:08:20.917 And I think my dreams will come true. 177 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:22.711 I'm not trying to name drop or anything but, 178 00:08:22.752 --> 00:08:24.546 the Lord is my savior. 179 00:08:24.587 --> 00:08:25.588 Ha ha. 180 00:08:25.922 --> 00:08:27.632 The Lord is my savior, yes. 181 00:08:29.467 --> 00:08:32.095 (upbeat music) 182 00:08:34.055 --> 00:08:36.349 I was in L.A. a few weeks ago 183 00:08:36.391 --> 00:08:38.935 and I saw this guy in front of a coffee shop. 184 00:08:38.977 --> 00:08:42.063 He was around my age having this conversation... 185 00:08:43.982 --> 00:08:45.442 Mom, chill. 186 00:08:48.278 --> 00:08:49.529 Mom, stop. 187 00:08:51.948 --> 00:08:53.700 Mom, chill! 188 00:08:56.286 --> 00:08:57.954 Mom, stop! 189 00:09:00.331 --> 00:09:02.250 MOM, CHILL!! 190 00:09:04.627 --> 00:09:06.421 MOM, STOP!! 191 00:09:07.630 --> 00:09:11.509 It's going to take time to become an actor! 192 00:09:14.179 --> 00:09:15.680 No, do not tell me to calm down 193 00:09:15.722 --> 00:09:19.059 and do not call me Mike, the name you gave me. 194 00:09:19.559 --> 00:09:21.936 After seeing Lady Bird and realizing 195 00:09:21.978 --> 00:09:23.813 I can have any name I want, 196 00:09:24.314 --> 00:09:26.691 I want you to start calling me Viper Fucker. 197 00:09:28.777 --> 00:09:30.028 Thank you. 198 00:09:30.987 --> 00:09:32.197 Thank you. 199 00:09:33.114 --> 00:09:34.991 Who's winning? Uh oh. 200 00:09:40.246 --> 00:09:44.125 You hear a lot of weird phone conversations in New York. 201 00:09:44.167 --> 00:09:47.837 I was a host at a restaurant on Wall Street and I hear 202 00:09:47.879 --> 00:09:50.131 this guy having this conversation. 203 00:09:50.173 --> 00:09:52.133 Uh huh, yeah. 204 00:09:52.175 --> 00:09:56.429 Uh huh, yeah. Ok, well, you tell your boss, 205 00:09:56.471 --> 00:09:59.391 I said the only difference between money and toilet paper 206 00:09:59.432 --> 00:10:02.811 is when I get done wiping my butt with money, I eat it. 207 00:10:02.852 --> 00:10:04.688 (players talking indistinctively) 208 00:10:04.729 --> 00:10:07.065 Hi, table for 12, please. 209 00:10:08.108 --> 00:10:10.694 No, it'll just be me by myself this evening. 210 00:10:12.028 --> 00:10:13.655 What do you mean I can't have my own table? 211 00:10:13.697 --> 00:10:14.698 Don't you know who I am? 212 00:10:16.157 --> 00:10:18.410 My name is Clyde Maxwell, I live on the Upper West Side 213 00:10:18.451 --> 00:10:20.620 in a five bedroom, three bath. 214 00:10:20.662 --> 00:10:23.873 But I'm from the city so nice they almost named it twice. 215 00:10:23.915 --> 00:10:26.167 Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin. 216 00:10:27.002 --> 00:10:28.628 Maybe now you recognize this face? 217 00:10:30.046 --> 00:10:32.549 I was an extra in Requiem for a Dream. 218 00:10:32.590 --> 00:10:35.427 I was one of the businessmen yelling ass to ass. 219 00:10:36.469 --> 00:10:38.304 I actually improvised that line on set. 220 00:10:38.346 --> 00:10:40.098 The director liked it so much that he had 221 00:10:40.140 --> 00:10:42.267 all the other businessmen extras chant it as well. 222 00:10:43.101 --> 00:10:44.519 Ended up getting a writing and acting credit. 223 00:10:45.145 --> 00:10:48.106 (upbeat music) 224 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:57.741 Yes, so I'm single and it sucks. 225 00:10:58.408 --> 00:11:02.203 It's like being a tertiary character in a rom com, right? 226 00:11:02.245 --> 00:11:04.205 I'm the guy in the movie who's 227 00:11:04.247 --> 00:11:07.417 watching his best friend talk to a beautiful lady. 228 00:11:07.459 --> 00:11:10.920 The beautiful lady walks away and I go up to my best friend 229 00:11:10.962 --> 00:11:14.674 and I go, um, dude, who was that? 230 00:11:17.010 --> 00:11:18.762 I'm that guy in the movie. 231 00:11:20.597 --> 00:11:22.515 Shit, I'm getting a phone call. 232 00:11:23.099 --> 00:11:24.434 You guys mind if I take this? 233 00:11:25.977 --> 00:11:27.520 You guys mind if I take this? 234 00:11:27.562 --> 00:11:28.730 - No. 235 00:11:28.772 --> 00:11:30.565 - Thanks. Thanks, bro. 236 00:11:32.067 --> 00:11:33.276 Hello. 237 00:11:34.444 --> 00:11:35.528 What? 238 00:11:35.570 --> 00:11:37.238 (crying) 239 00:11:37.781 --> 00:11:40.408 Why would you call and tell me that now? 240 00:11:41.368 --> 00:11:44.746 I'm in the middle of a show. I gotta go. 241 00:11:45.914 --> 00:11:48.667 You guys, I just got a call. 242 00:11:48.708 --> 00:11:49.834 (crying) 243 00:11:49.876 --> 00:11:51.961 My parents are getting divorced. 244 00:11:52.003 --> 00:11:53.546 (crying) 245 00:11:54.047 --> 00:11:56.174 Sike. They got divorced 20 years ago. 246 00:11:56.216 --> 00:11:57.550 Let's party. 247 00:11:59.094 --> 00:12:00.887 Party time, party time 248 00:12:00.929 --> 00:12:02.681 (grinding) 249 00:12:03.306 --> 00:12:06.351 I'm going to the mall. 250 00:12:06.393 --> 00:12:08.228 Take a half a Xanax. 251 00:12:08.269 --> 00:12:10.230 I feel like a lot of people when they watch 252 00:12:10.271 --> 00:12:11.940 comedy, they don't really want to think. 253 00:12:11.981 --> 00:12:14.234 They just want to like, do whatever. 254 00:12:14.275 --> 00:12:16.486 For my comedy it really makes you think 255 00:12:23.493 --> 00:12:24.869 yeah. 256 00:12:24.911 --> 00:12:27.497 My dad pretty much ghosted the family after that one. 257 00:12:29.082 --> 00:12:31.334 I got beef with my mom too, though. 258 00:12:31.835 --> 00:12:33.211 When I was a kid, 259 00:12:33.253 --> 00:12:35.922 my mom caught me stealing gummy worms from a Wal-Mart 260 00:12:35.964 --> 00:12:39.676 and she spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth. 261 00:12:40.510 --> 00:12:41.511 Can you imagine that? 262 00:12:41.553 --> 00:12:43.513 Getting bent over, spanked so hard 263 00:12:43.555 --> 00:12:45.515 that the stool that's sitting 264 00:12:45.557 --> 00:12:47.684 by your butt gets popped out of the mouth? 265 00:12:49.394 --> 00:12:51.646 Yeah, times are weird. 266 00:12:51.688 --> 00:12:52.814 (laughing) 267 00:12:53.273 --> 00:12:54.941 Times are weird. 268 00:12:56.484 --> 00:12:57.986 Looking forward for things 269 00:12:58.028 --> 00:13:01.489 to go back to normal so that I could finally go on a boys 270 00:13:01.531 --> 00:13:04.701 trip to Italy with 50 guys I just met on Zoom. 271 00:13:07.037 --> 00:13:11.458 My New Year's resolution this upcoming year is going to be 272 00:13:11.499 --> 00:13:14.502 to be in contact with my friends more. 273 00:13:14.544 --> 00:13:17.297 Looking to Facetime at least 20 friends a week 274 00:13:17.339 --> 00:13:19.549 to ask them what they're working on. 275 00:13:19.591 --> 00:13:21.885 And once they start talking, I'll cut them off and tell 276 00:13:21.926 --> 00:13:25.221 them what I'm working on. Which is a new screenplay 277 00:13:25.263 --> 00:13:27.932 where Joker gets coffee with all the Irishmen. 278 00:13:27.974 --> 00:13:31.770 But we CGI all their faces to look like Baby Boss. 279 00:13:32.228 --> 00:13:33.772 Yes. 280 00:13:35.148 --> 00:13:37.776 If I was a teacher, no bathroom breaks. 281 00:13:37.817 --> 00:13:40.904 We're here to learn, not pee and poo. 282 00:13:42.739 --> 00:13:43.615 (horn honks) 283 00:13:44.366 --> 00:13:45.825 I'm excited to say that I got 284 00:13:45.867 --> 00:13:49.120 through most of my goals this year, except for my summer 285 00:13:49.162 --> 00:13:51.831 reading list, which was the Bible, 286 00:13:51.873 --> 00:13:55.877 a Bridge to Terabithia and a from Dusk Till Dawn DVD case. 287 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:56.878 - Excuse me. 288 00:13:56.920 --> 00:13:57.837 Can you do that somewhere else? 289 00:13:57.879 --> 00:13:59.464 - Yeah, sorry. 290 00:14:02.258 --> 00:14:03.843 Just trying to bring joy to New York. 291 00:14:05.220 --> 00:14:06.304 Working hard. 292 00:14:06.346 --> 00:14:08.098 For her to come out and say, excuse me, 293 00:14:08.139 --> 00:14:09.391 can you do that somewhere else? 294 00:14:09.432 --> 00:14:10.934 Is actually pretty inappropriate 295 00:14:10.975 --> 00:14:13.061 because it felt like people were into that. 296 00:14:13.103 --> 00:14:14.270 I don't know. 297 00:14:14.729 --> 00:14:16.773 (upbeat music) 298 00:14:18.441 --> 00:14:20.485 Nice thing about quarantine is I've been able to 299 00:14:20.527 --> 00:14:22.654 catch up on shows I've never watched before. 300 00:14:23.279 --> 00:14:25.448 Started watching Sex and the City. 301 00:14:25.490 --> 00:14:28.827 Don't sleep on this show, fella's. It's pretty good. 302 00:14:29.619 --> 00:14:32.163 Does a great job of capturing New York City's nightlife. 303 00:14:32.872 --> 00:14:35.291 Now we just freakin go in someone's backyard, 304 00:14:35.333 --> 00:14:37.669 sit in a circle and talk about how horny we are. 305 00:14:39.546 --> 00:14:40.797 Can't even hug anymore. 306 00:14:40.839 --> 00:14:43.216 And it's not because we're scared to get Covid, 307 00:14:43.258 --> 00:14:44.926 but we're scared to get aroused 308 00:14:45.635 --> 00:14:47.303 I haven't touched anybody in so long. 309 00:14:48.471 --> 00:14:49.973 A great thing I picked up 310 00:14:50.015 --> 00:14:52.934 from the show Sex in the City is a new icebreaker for when 311 00:14:52.976 --> 00:14:54.102 I go on dates. 312 00:14:55.478 --> 00:14:57.564 Now when I go out with the lady, I like to ask her 313 00:14:57.605 --> 00:15:00.025 which Sex and the City character are you? 314 00:15:01.151 --> 00:15:03.028 And if she says Carrie, 315 00:15:03.069 --> 00:15:06.740 then I bounce the fuck out because I'm not trying to hear 316 00:15:06.781 --> 00:15:09.409 some typing when I'm trying to go to sleep at night. 317 00:15:10.535 --> 00:15:12.203 I'm all tired. I got to get up for work in the morning. 318 00:15:12.245 --> 00:15:13.538 Got to hear this--- 319 00:15:13.580 --> 00:15:15.749 (click click click) 320 00:15:17.167 --> 00:15:18.585 And that sounds like a mouse. 321 00:15:18.626 --> 00:15:21.087 And everybody knows I suffer from musophobia. 322 00:15:21.129 --> 00:15:22.130 - That was cool. 323 00:15:22.172 --> 00:15:24.424 - Thanks. Thanks, bro. 324 00:15:24.466 --> 00:15:26.926 I suffer from a musophobia, the fear of mice. 325 00:15:26.968 --> 00:15:29.471 Not to be confused with my favorite cheese, 326 00:15:29.512 --> 00:15:31.014 which is muso-rella! 327 00:15:31.056 --> 00:15:32.015 Ha ha 328 00:15:32.265 --> 00:15:33.683 It's a newer one. 329 00:15:34.893 --> 00:15:36.644 Not too good with the ladies, but what do you expect? 330 00:15:36.686 --> 00:15:38.188 I learned from my brother. 331 00:15:38.229 --> 00:15:40.732 I saw my brother go up to a lady in a bar like this once. 332 00:15:46.446 --> 00:15:49.616 Damn, girl, you drink too much. 333 00:15:50.617 --> 00:15:52.827 Yeah, you think he's going to be a sexual predator, 334 00:15:52.869 --> 00:15:55.914 just turns out he's rude. He's rude. 335 00:15:58.208 --> 00:16:00.168 See what else we've got going on. 336 00:16:00.210 --> 00:16:01.378 And I'm actually excited 337 00:16:01.419 --> 00:16:03.254 to announce I've never been depressed. 338 00:16:03.296 --> 00:16:04.839 (rim shot) 339 00:16:05.548 --> 00:16:06.966 It's one of the joys of my life, 340 00:16:07.008 --> 00:16:09.302 and I like to talk about it as much as possible, 341 00:16:09.344 --> 00:16:11.054 especially around my comedy friends. 342 00:16:13.139 --> 00:16:14.432 (rim shot) 343 00:16:14.474 --> 00:16:16.059 I'll tell you guys what, I do not condone this. 344 00:16:16.101 --> 00:16:19.521 Please, please, please, but if I had to commit suicide 345 00:16:19.562 --> 00:16:22.649 the way I would do it, is I would take a gun and I 346 00:16:22.691 --> 00:16:25.568 would go bang, bang. Two shots to the mouth. 347 00:16:25.610 --> 00:16:26.736 Because if you can get off 348 00:16:26.778 --> 00:16:29.864 that first shot, bang, and get off a second 349 00:16:29.906 --> 00:16:32.909 shot, bang, that's like kind of cool. 350 00:16:33.410 --> 00:16:35.203 You survived a shot to the mouth 351 00:16:35.245 --> 00:16:36.371 and then you got another one off? 352 00:16:36.413 --> 00:16:37.706 Am I right, guys? 353 00:16:37.747 --> 00:16:38.707 (rim shot) 354 00:16:40.166 --> 00:16:42.919 Dang, feels like these lines are getting long, huh? 355 00:16:43.420 --> 00:16:44.379 Ha ha 356 00:16:44.421 --> 00:16:46.256 Three hours? No, thanks. 357 00:16:46.297 --> 00:16:48.091 I'd rather watch The Irishman. 358 00:16:50.552 --> 00:16:52.012 Sorry to do The Irishman joke, guys. 359 00:16:53.096 --> 00:16:55.432 No new movies have come out in the last year. 360 00:16:59.019 --> 00:17:01.563 I hear we're going to get another stimulus check. 361 00:17:01.604 --> 00:17:03.398 Oh, great, now I can finally 362 00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:05.567 afford to get that stick out of my ass. 363 00:17:06.943 --> 00:17:08.486 You know what I'm talking about? 364 00:17:08.528 --> 00:17:10.530 (upbeat music) 365 00:17:11.698 --> 00:17:13.783 Feels like everybody's is just ignoring me. 366 00:17:20.665 --> 00:17:22.792 I'll tell you what the real pandemic is, 367 00:17:22.834 --> 00:17:25.795 is a, two hundred and twenty five 368 00:17:25.837 --> 00:17:29.257 million Americans are addicted to saying "no worries" 369 00:17:31.801 --> 00:17:34.846 Try to act real cool on dates, but I get nervous. 370 00:17:35.847 --> 00:17:38.058 This is me when I don't know what to talk about on a date. 371 00:17:53.573 --> 00:17:55.867 Isn't it crazy that 372 00:17:56.785 --> 00:18:00.121 all the Power Rangers went to the same high school? 373 00:18:03.375 --> 00:18:05.126 That would be like if all 374 00:18:05.168 --> 00:18:08.880 the women from The View went to the same high school. 375 00:18:10.340 --> 00:18:12.926 This is also my face 376 00:18:12.967 --> 00:18:14.636 when my mom says I can stay 377 00:18:14.678 --> 00:18:16.888 on the data plan well into my 30's. 378 00:18:19.557 --> 00:18:21.518 - I didn't even chuckle and I wanted to. 379 00:18:21.559 --> 00:18:22.894 And I've seen worse. 380 00:18:23.728 --> 00:18:25.814 I mean, wasn't even close to--- 381 00:18:27.565 --> 00:18:29.567 I just don't think he's ready yet. 382 00:18:29.609 --> 00:18:32.070 He could be funny if he tinkered it, 383 00:18:32.112 --> 00:18:34.739 you know, Washington Square Park, 384 00:18:34.781 --> 00:18:37.367 if he did that joke in Washington Square Park. 385 00:18:37.409 --> 00:18:40.870 That's how he could test to see if he's really good. 386 00:18:40.912 --> 00:18:43.498 Washington Square Park in the fountain. 387 00:18:43.540 --> 00:18:45.333 If he can't get them to laugh, 388 00:18:45.375 --> 00:18:46.334 telling you. 389 00:18:53.550 --> 00:18:55.969 (upbeat music) 390 00:19:06.563 --> 00:19:07.981 - I saw this guy jogging 391 00:19:08.023 --> 00:19:11.067 the other day without a mask, so I yell at him, I go, 392 00:19:11.109 --> 00:19:14.487 Hey, buddy, put on a fucking mask! 393 00:19:14.529 --> 00:19:16.489 As mine lay gently under 394 00:19:16.531 --> 00:19:20.035 my chin while I was blasting Sicko Mode on this boombox. 395 00:19:20.869 --> 00:19:22.787 You guys know that song Sicko Mode? 396 00:19:22.829 --> 00:19:25.248 - No, never heard it. 397 00:19:25.915 --> 00:19:28.501 Yeah, they wrote Sicko Mode after they walked in on me 398 00:19:28.543 --> 00:19:30.378 and my cousin going down on each other. 399 00:19:31.713 --> 00:19:33.006 Yeah, they walked in, 400 00:19:33.048 --> 00:19:35.091 they were like, Yo! This is sicko mode! 401 00:19:35.133 --> 00:19:37.302 We got to hit the studio tonight. 402 00:19:38.636 --> 00:19:41.473 I noticed I'm getting older recently. 403 00:19:41.514 --> 00:19:44.059 And the reason I know I'm getting older is 404 00:19:44.100 --> 00:19:47.687 because a few years ago I went to a Travis Scott concert. 405 00:19:47.729 --> 00:19:50.440 And before the concert started, 406 00:19:50.482 --> 00:19:53.610 they made an announcement that school would be canceled 407 00:19:53.651 --> 00:19:55.445 tomorrow due to a snow day. 408 00:19:55.904 --> 00:19:58.656 And the place fucking erupted. 409 00:19:59.824 --> 00:20:02.118 It was a bunch of high schoolers going batshit crazy. 410 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:03.703 They were passing around joints 411 00:20:03.745 --> 00:20:05.789 like it was Woodstock '94. 412 00:20:06.915 --> 00:20:09.250 And this young girl next to me, she starts jumping up 413 00:20:09.292 --> 00:20:12.087 and down and she knocked over my eighteen dollar drink. 414 00:20:13.088 --> 00:20:14.547 And I wanted to yell at her, 415 00:20:14.589 --> 00:20:17.926 but I couldn't because it's like, this is a young girl. 416 00:20:17.967 --> 00:20:20.136 I should be at home buying real estate. 417 00:20:21.888 --> 00:20:24.808 And fingers crossed for another housing crisis. 418 00:20:24.849 --> 00:20:26.309 Am I right? 419 00:20:26.351 --> 00:20:28.853 I'm looking to gobble up some foreclosures 420 00:20:30.063 --> 00:20:31.564 JK. I don't really have money. 421 00:20:31.606 --> 00:20:33.191 I don't really have money like that. 422 00:20:36.194 --> 00:20:38.488 All right, gang, thanks for coming out. 423 00:20:38.530 --> 00:20:39.698 Have a good night. 424 00:20:40.824 --> 00:20:42.992 Well, those are the bunch 425 00:20:43.034 --> 00:20:45.537 of the coolest kids ever seen in my life, and they didn't 426 00:20:45.578 --> 00:20:47.831 laugh at me once. I would like to think 427 00:20:47.872 --> 00:20:50.750 that that was going to be my bread and butter. 428 00:20:50.792 --> 00:20:52.585 Those like young, cool kids. 429 00:20:52.627 --> 00:20:54.754 - I didn't understand most of the jokes. 430 00:20:55.422 --> 00:20:57.757 Some of them made me laugh, but not for the reasons 431 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:00.385 that you would want somebody to laugh at the jokes. 432 00:21:00.427 --> 00:21:01.636 You know what I mean? 433 00:21:02.178 --> 00:21:04.014 - Uh, it makes me think though, 434 00:21:04.055 --> 00:21:06.349 is it like is it me? I don't know. 435 00:21:06.391 --> 00:21:08.518 Like Jerry Seinfeld have done well there? 436 00:21:08.560 --> 00:21:10.061 I don't think so. 437 00:21:10.103 --> 00:21:11.396 I don't think too many comics could have done well there. 438 00:21:12.272 --> 00:21:14.441 Woo! That was bad. 439 00:21:19.070 --> 00:21:21.364 My dentist said that, uh 440 00:21:21.990 --> 00:21:23.575 I should get Invisalign 441 00:21:23.616 --> 00:21:25.410 because my bottom teeth are crooked. 442 00:21:26.703 --> 00:21:27.746 No thanks. - Sorry. Sorry, no. 443 00:21:27.787 --> 00:21:29.080 - My teeth are good. 444 00:21:29.122 --> 00:21:30.832 - I'm taking orders and I can't hear them. 445 00:21:30.874 --> 00:21:32.375 Sorry. It's too loud. - Ok. 446 00:21:32.417 --> 00:21:35.628 Hey, buddy. Your bottom teeth are crooked. 447 00:21:35.670 --> 00:21:37.881 You need Invisalign. 448 00:21:37.922 --> 00:21:40.175 No, not if I'm happy. 449 00:21:41.426 --> 00:21:44.804 I'm a big fan of the game show Family Feud. 450 00:21:44.846 --> 00:21:46.222 I was watching it the other 451 00:21:46.264 --> 00:21:48.933 day and I was like, damn, I can never be on this show 452 00:21:48.975 --> 00:21:51.895 with my family because what would happen is 453 00:21:51.936 --> 00:21:54.564 my sister would be up to answer and Steve Harvey 454 00:21:54.606 --> 00:21:58.068 would ask, what is a popular household detergent? 455 00:21:58.109 --> 00:22:01.196 She'd buzz in, (bzzz) Irish Springs! 456 00:22:01.237 --> 00:22:02.781 (errr!) 457 00:22:02.822 --> 00:22:05.492 My brother would be like, No, that's a soap, you dumb idiot. 458 00:22:05.533 --> 00:22:08.912 I'd be like, Whoa, dog, you can't talk to her that way. 459 00:22:08.953 --> 00:22:11.956 And honestly, it's not that bad of an answer. 460 00:22:11.998 --> 00:22:13.625 Irish Spring--- 461 00:22:13.917 --> 00:22:15.835 Shit, I fucked up. 462 00:22:17.462 --> 00:22:18.838 What is Irish Springs? 463 00:22:19.339 --> 00:22:20.590 Feels like everybody 464 00:22:20.632 --> 00:22:22.842 in Brooklyn is a little bit too cool for school. 465 00:22:22.884 --> 00:22:25.762 Am I right? This is literally how 466 00:22:25.804 --> 00:22:27.972 everybody crosses the street in Brooklyn. 467 00:22:31.309 --> 00:22:32.477 Am I right? 468 00:22:33.853 --> 00:22:36.981 And everybody's got these air pods buzzing. 469 00:22:37.565 --> 00:22:38.858 My sister buzzing. 470 00:22:38.900 --> 00:22:40.944 (bzzz) Irish Springs. (errr!) 471 00:22:41.653 --> 00:22:43.488 Whoa, thank you so much. 472 00:22:44.239 --> 00:22:45.699 God bless you. 473 00:22:45.740 --> 00:22:47.742 I'm going to try to figure this joke out. 474 00:22:47.784 --> 00:22:50.120 Everybody's got air pods. 475 00:22:50.161 --> 00:22:51.621 I think they call them air pods 476 00:22:51.663 --> 00:22:53.248 because once you open them, 477 00:22:53.289 --> 00:22:55.458 they disappear in the air. Right? 478 00:22:55.500 --> 00:22:58.003 I have a a better job tracking down a--- 479 00:22:58.378 --> 00:23:00.171 - You said one joke. 480 00:23:01.131 --> 00:23:02.507 - Better down--- - You said one joke. 481 00:23:02.549 --> 00:23:04.843 - I have a better job tracking down a booger that I 482 00:23:04.884 --> 00:23:06.469 - This is two. 483 00:23:06.511 --> 00:23:08.763 - I have a better job tracking down a booger I lost in the--- 484 00:23:08.805 --> 00:23:09.931 - They're both horrible. 485 00:23:09.973 --> 00:23:11.182 - So far it's none. 486 00:23:11.224 --> 00:23:12.267 - I have a... I have a - Out. 487 00:23:12.308 --> 00:23:13.935 - I have a better job tracking down 488 00:23:13.977 --> 00:23:15.895 a booger that I flicked in the fourth grade. 489 00:23:15.937 --> 00:23:16.813 - Out. 490 00:23:16.855 --> 00:23:17.939 - Better job tracking down 491 00:23:17.981 --> 00:23:19.357 a booger I flicked in the fourth grade. 492 00:23:19.399 --> 00:23:21.401 - This is gonna be a bottle of water. Go. 493 00:23:22.027 --> 00:23:23.653 - You throw that to me, I'll sue you. 494 00:23:23.695 --> 00:23:25.280 - Tell another booger joke. Go ahead. 495 00:23:25.864 --> 00:23:27.449 - I love boogers. 496 00:23:28.783 --> 00:23:30.201 Oh, that was tough. 497 00:23:31.369 --> 00:23:33.371 Have a good one. - You're not wanted. 498 00:23:33.747 --> 00:23:35.498 - Ok, thank you. 499 00:23:36.916 --> 00:23:39.878 I feel like it's half good. 500 00:23:39.919 --> 00:23:41.838 Half bad. 501 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:45.425 But I guess that's part of the game. 502 00:23:45.467 --> 00:23:48.595 I think that's part of the lifestyle that I chose. 503 00:23:49.346 --> 00:23:50.680 Can you guys mind if I have a second? 504 00:23:50.722 --> 00:23:52.599 - Yeah. - Alright. Thanks. 505 00:23:53.850 --> 00:23:55.310 Fucking--- 506 00:23:55.352 --> 00:23:57.687 It's fucking going off, I fucking hate this. 507 00:23:57.729 --> 00:24:00.565 I fucking suck at everything, I fucking suck at this shit. 508 00:24:00.607 --> 00:24:02.859 Ok, put your head in the game. 509 00:24:02.901 --> 00:24:05.445 Let's do it! All right. 510 00:24:06.071 --> 00:24:07.447 You guys ready to hit the town? 511 00:24:07.489 --> 00:24:09.532 City usually comes around at night, so--- 512 00:24:09.991 --> 00:24:13.536 (smooth jazz music) 513 00:24:16.331 --> 00:24:17.624 I don't know about you guys, 514 00:24:17.665 --> 00:24:21.878 but I like to drink so that I could drive faster. 515 00:24:21.920 --> 00:24:23.588 I'm just messing around. I don't have a license. 516 00:24:23.630 --> 00:24:25.215 Have a good night, folks. 517 00:24:25.256 --> 00:24:28.009 Yeah, I got a really low Uber rating. 518 00:24:28.051 --> 00:24:29.636 Can't take Ubers anymore 519 00:24:29.678 --> 00:24:33.431 because I insist that we drive with all the doors open. 520 00:24:35.308 --> 00:24:37.936 And you know I got to have that aux cord. 521 00:24:39.229 --> 00:24:41.398 Not to listen to music, but to listen to 522 00:24:41.439 --> 00:24:43.566 Bryan Cranston's audio book memoir. 523 00:24:44.442 --> 00:24:46.277 The first time I saw a standup special, 524 00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:49.030 it was Martin Lawrence: You So Crazy. 525 00:24:49.072 --> 00:24:51.116 And I was like, I can never do that. 526 00:24:51.157 --> 00:24:52.325 I mean, this guy is just 527 00:24:52.367 --> 00:24:54.577 another level doing all these characters. 528 00:24:54.619 --> 00:24:57.789 He was just so big and so funny and so animated. 529 00:24:57.831 --> 00:24:59.541 Shit. Nothing? 530 00:25:00.583 --> 00:25:03.545 But then flash forward to now and here I am. 531 00:25:03.586 --> 00:25:05.922 I'm doing my own fucking comedy special and it's--- 532 00:25:05.964 --> 00:25:08.466 it's going ok. I just got to finish strong. 533 00:25:08.508 --> 00:25:10.010 Y'all are just going to ignore me 534 00:25:10.051 --> 00:25:11.511 like that wasn't a good joke? 535 00:25:12.470 --> 00:25:14.973 You guys look at me and you're like, this guy is perfect. 536 00:25:15.015 --> 00:25:16.933 You're actually wrong. 537 00:25:16.975 --> 00:25:18.435 The first time I had a YouTube 538 00:25:18.476 --> 00:25:22.105 video get over one thousand views, I got super cocky 539 00:25:22.147 --> 00:25:24.441 and told my parents that I wish they would die. 540 00:25:25.650 --> 00:25:27.652 Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that one 541 00:25:28.945 --> 00:25:32.657 Fuck... No laughs, huh? Ok. 542 00:25:33.116 --> 00:25:34.617 I think it's devastating 543 00:25:34.659 --> 00:25:37.287 for New York to have comedy clubs closed right now because 544 00:25:37.328 --> 00:25:39.414 people want to get out and laugh. 545 00:25:39.456 --> 00:25:42.208 And there's a whole industry that 546 00:25:43.251 --> 00:25:47.005 needs this money that they make off the clubs. 547 00:25:47.047 --> 00:25:48.757 I tried. 548 00:25:48.798 --> 00:25:50.133 Shit man. 549 00:25:50.175 --> 00:25:51.634 I've actually I've actually never done it. 550 00:25:51.676 --> 00:25:53.636 I've actually never performed here before. 551 00:25:55.055 --> 00:25:56.389 But I would. 552 00:25:59.351 --> 00:26:00.727 You guys remember when sushi 553 00:26:00.769 --> 00:26:03.396 came out in the 90's and everybody thought it was gay? 554 00:26:04.147 --> 00:26:05.482 Well, that's not cool. 555 00:26:05.523 --> 00:26:09.319 My mom saw me stealing gummy worms from Wal-Mart once 556 00:26:09.361 --> 00:26:12.364 and spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth. 557 00:26:12.697 --> 00:26:14.407 - That's disgusting. 558 00:26:15.158 --> 00:26:17.118 - I'm sorry. I'm really--- 559 00:26:17.160 --> 00:26:18.703 - New joke, new joke at the restaurant. 560 00:26:18.995 --> 00:26:20.246 - Bullshit. 561 00:26:20.288 --> 00:26:22.415 I need my closer to hit hard. 562 00:26:22.457 --> 00:26:25.669 Hey, you guys ever go to clap a fly dead 563 00:26:25.710 --> 00:26:28.880 and it completely disappears? And there's no traces of 564 00:26:28.922 --> 00:26:31.883 the fly on your hand? Is that magic? 565 00:26:31.925 --> 00:26:32.926 Ha ha 566 00:26:32.967 --> 00:26:34.678 Is that magic? 567 00:26:34.719 --> 00:26:36.721 They're fucking outside spreading Covid and they're 568 00:26:36.763 --> 00:26:39.391 going to look at me like I'm some fucking piece of trash? 569 00:26:40.225 --> 00:26:42.018 All right, I'm going to do some crowd work. 570 00:26:42.060 --> 00:26:43.269 Look at this guy. Who do you got? 571 00:26:43.311 --> 00:26:45.563 Eminem meets Limp Bizkit? Haha. 572 00:26:45.605 --> 00:26:48.149 - Stop bothering these fucking people. 573 00:26:48.191 --> 00:26:49.859 - Sorry, dude, I'm just doing standup. 574 00:26:49.901 --> 00:26:50.944 - Fucking go! 575 00:26:50.985 --> 00:26:52.362 - Those fucking guys suck. 576 00:26:52.404 --> 00:26:53.822 All I was trying to do is be funny 577 00:26:53.863 --> 00:26:54.823 and nothing else. 578 00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:57.117 Hey guys. - What up? 579 00:26:57.158 --> 00:26:59.160 - Hey, if dogs love food so much, 580 00:26:59.202 --> 00:27:00.537 why don't they learn how to cook? 581 00:27:02.080 --> 00:27:03.581 Yeah. Whatever. That's a good joke. 582 00:27:04.124 --> 00:27:05.959 Eat your meal. Have fun. 583 00:27:06.001 --> 00:27:08.086 - Bye! - Leave me alone. 584 00:27:08.586 --> 00:27:11.214 I'm going to have to hit you with a bye bye bye. 585 00:27:11.256 --> 00:27:12.549 Oh, shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 586 00:27:12.590 --> 00:27:13.758 Chill, chill. 587 00:27:14.092 --> 00:27:15.427 Hate this. 588 00:27:19.931 --> 00:27:22.058 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 589 00:27:22.100 --> 00:27:23.184 I got an idea. 590 00:27:26.855 --> 00:27:28.940 Can I do some standup for you? Three minutes. 591 00:27:28.982 --> 00:27:30.734 - No. - Three minutes. 592 00:27:30.775 --> 00:27:31.526 - We're good. 593 00:27:31.568 --> 00:27:33.486 - All right, I'll pay you. 594 00:27:33.528 --> 00:27:35.447 You guys be willing to let me do like 595 00:27:35.488 --> 00:27:37.115 two minutes of jokes for you guys? 596 00:27:37.157 --> 00:27:39.159 - Ummm, no thank you. - Sorry. 597 00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:40.785 Shit. All right. 598 00:27:40.827 --> 00:27:41.911 I'll pay you. 599 00:27:42.579 --> 00:27:43.496 - I'm good. 600 00:27:45.832 --> 00:27:47.250 - Please, I'll pay you. 601 00:27:47.292 --> 00:27:49.627 Come on, you don't speak English? 602 00:27:49.669 --> 00:27:51.296 That's ok, I'll still do it for you. 603 00:27:51.338 --> 00:27:53.465 Can you just pretend to laugh at me? 604 00:27:53.506 --> 00:27:55.633 Come on, it's a good New York experience. 605 00:27:55.675 --> 00:27:56.593 - Sorry, G. 606 00:27:57.010 --> 00:27:58.219 - Hey, excuse me, buddy. 607 00:27:58.261 --> 00:28:00.096 Can I do three minutes to stand up for you? 608 00:28:00.513 --> 00:28:01.639 - Sorry about that. 609 00:28:02.098 --> 00:28:03.475 I'll pay you to do stand up for you. 610 00:28:03.516 --> 00:28:05.310 - I appreciate that, thanks. - Please? 611 00:28:05.852 --> 00:28:08.646 Can I do three minutes of stand up comedy for you? 612 00:28:08.688 --> 00:28:09.898 - Sure. 613 00:28:09.939 --> 00:28:11.566 Ok, ready? 614 00:28:11.608 --> 00:28:14.152 - I just don't think he's ready yet. 615 00:28:14.194 --> 00:28:15.987 - I didn't understand most of the jokes. 616 00:28:16.029 --> 00:28:17.614 - Gonna be a bottle of water. 617 00:28:17.655 --> 00:28:19.407 - Stop bothering these fucking people. 618 00:28:19.991 --> 00:28:21.618 [Carmen] I need my closer to hit hard to hit hard. 619 00:28:23.119 --> 00:28:27.165 You guys ever see two people fighting and one person's like 620 00:28:27.207 --> 00:28:30.752 You don't know me, you do not know me. 621 00:28:30.794 --> 00:28:32.170 You don't know me. 622 00:28:32.212 --> 00:28:33.713 That's such a valid form 623 00:28:33.755 --> 00:28:36.841 of expression, because if they took the time to get to know 624 00:28:36.883 --> 00:28:39.052 one another, maybe they wouldn't be fighting. 625 00:28:39.094 --> 00:28:40.345 Right? 626 00:28:40.387 --> 00:28:41.554 You don't know me! 627 00:28:41.596 --> 00:28:43.473 Well, ok, well, where are you from? 628 00:28:44.015 --> 00:28:46.559 I'm from Des Moines, Iowa. But you don't know me. 629 00:28:47.352 --> 00:28:48.520 Whoa, I'm actually 630 00:28:48.561 --> 00:28:51.523 from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, just two hours away. 631 00:28:51.564 --> 00:28:53.733 Looks like we have more in common than we thought. 632 00:28:53.775 --> 00:28:54.734 Ha ha 633 00:28:55.527 --> 00:28:57.612 Say, what's your love language? 634 00:28:58.405 --> 00:29:01.533 What? You're starting to piss me off. 635 00:29:01.574 --> 00:29:03.868 It's receiving gifts, but you don't know me. 636 00:29:05.161 --> 00:29:07.622 Whoa, mine is quality time. 637 00:29:08.665 --> 00:29:11.334 Say, what's your deepest, darkest fear? 638 00:29:12.085 --> 00:29:13.545 Umm... 639 00:29:13.586 --> 00:29:16.881 I guess it's just like fully being myself and not being 640 00:29:16.923 --> 00:29:19.884 accepted for that. But you don't know me. 641 00:29:20.677 --> 00:29:22.887 You're right, I don't know you, 642 00:29:22.929 --> 00:29:24.681 but to me, it seems like you're pretty 643 00:29:24.723 --> 00:29:27.100 damn good guy who just needs a bite to eat. 644 00:29:27.642 --> 00:29:29.394 So what do you say you put the gun down? 645 00:29:29.436 --> 00:29:31.396 He's been holding the gun the whole time. 646 00:29:31.980 --> 00:29:33.398 Come back to my place tonight 647 00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:35.400 and let me make you some Bibimbap 648 00:29:35.442 --> 00:29:38.403 and we could put this whole parking dispute behind us. 649 00:29:38.445 --> 00:29:41.406 After all, we're both driving scooters. 650 00:29:41.448 --> 00:29:43.783 We could pretty much put these things everywhere. 651 00:29:44.951 --> 00:29:46.369 Sounds good, man. 652 00:29:46.786 --> 00:29:47.704 (bump) 653 00:29:48.747 --> 00:29:49.664 (bump) 654 00:29:55.045 --> 00:29:55.962 (kiss) 655 00:29:57.672 --> 00:29:58.631 (kiss) 656 00:30:03.303 --> 00:30:04.429 (tap tap) 657 00:30:05.764 --> 00:30:08.850 Hey, what the fuck, man? If my wife found out about 658 00:30:08.892 --> 00:30:11.478 that, she'd be wet as hell right now. 659 00:30:12.103 --> 00:30:13.438 Oh, yeah, well, 660 00:30:13.480 --> 00:30:15.815 you sure did get hard pretty quickly, didn't you? 661 00:30:16.316 --> 00:30:17.692 Yeah, I guess it's because I'm 662 00:30:17.734 --> 00:30:20.528 sexually aggravated and due to my masculinity issues, 663 00:30:20.570 --> 00:30:22.447 I have nobody to express my anger to. 664 00:30:22.489 --> 00:30:25.617 So it turns into fights like these in all wars ever. 665 00:30:26.576 --> 00:30:29.621 Whoa. I'll see you at dinner. 666 00:30:39.255 --> 00:30:40.715 Ding-Dong. 667 00:30:45.387 --> 00:30:47.555 Hey, you made it. Thanks for coming. 668 00:30:47.597 --> 00:30:49.349 Meet my wife, Gloria. 669 00:30:49.391 --> 00:30:50.809 Oh, I know you. 670 00:30:50.850 --> 00:30:53.853 You're the asshole who tried to suck my husband's d. 671 00:30:55.605 --> 00:30:56.773 And 672 00:30:58.191 --> 00:31:00.360 I am the woman from Midsommar. 673 00:31:02.612 --> 00:31:05.657 And then, uh, that's my set. Thank you guys for coming out. 674 00:31:05.699 --> 00:31:07.951 (clapping) Thank you guys so much. 675 00:31:08.410 --> 00:31:11.121 (light piano music) 676 00:31:12.288 --> 00:31:14.124 That was my set. Thanks. 677 00:31:15.375 --> 00:31:18.920 I feel really proud and good that I was able to finish this 678 00:31:18.962 --> 00:31:22.298 special, we did a lot of shooting today. 679 00:31:22.340 --> 00:31:23.717 And, you know, 680 00:31:23.758 --> 00:31:26.094 I think that some people liked it and I think that some 681 00:31:26.136 --> 00:31:27.679 people really fucking hated it. 682 00:31:27.721 --> 00:31:29.973 And I humiliated myself a lot. 683 00:31:30.015 --> 00:31:33.018 So I hope that you all enjoy it more than I did. 684 00:31:33.059 --> 00:31:34.060 And if not... 685 00:31:34.102 --> 00:31:35.353 (phone rings) Oh, shit 686 00:31:35.395 --> 00:31:38.189 My bad, I'm going to take this real quick. Sorry 687 00:31:38.231 --> 00:31:39.691 Hello. 688 00:31:40.692 --> 00:31:41.985 This is. 689 00:31:42.902 --> 00:31:44.070 Yeah. 690 00:31:45.030 --> 00:31:46.239 Oh, my God. 691 00:31:47.657 --> 00:31:49.409 Oh, my God, yeah, I would love to. Thank you so much. 692 00:31:53.538 --> 00:31:55.206 Ok, that sounds great. 693 00:31:55.248 --> 00:31:56.875 I'll be there. I'll be there. 694 00:31:56.916 --> 00:31:57.876 Thank you. 695 00:31:57.917 --> 00:31:59.627 Ok, goodbye. 696 00:31:59.669 --> 00:32:00.587 Yo. 697 00:32:02.047 --> 00:32:03.673 Yo. 698 00:32:04.507 --> 00:32:05.759 You're not going to believe this. 699 00:32:06.509 --> 00:32:09.721 (piano music)