1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:15,807 Hey, guys. 4 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,727 How's everybody doing? 5 00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:22,522 Excited to announce that I proposed 6 00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:25,775 to my girlfriend of two years yesterday and she said yes. 7 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:29,404 (light clapping) 8 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:33,366 I'm just kidding. 9 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,909 I've actually been single 10 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:38,246 for the last seven years and my life is kind of jacked up. 11 00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:41,207 I'm 25 years old, 12 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:43,710 I share one bathroom with three roommates. 13 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:46,755 And last year I chipped my tooth on a fidget spinner. 14 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,049 I just wanted to see what it 15 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:51,760 felt like to get people excited for me for once. 16 00:00:53,094 --> 00:00:54,721 And I feel bad, I lied. 17 00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:56,431 I'm obviously not 25. 18 00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,851 I'm like 19 or something. 19 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:02,729 But nonetheless, 20 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,398 I'm going to try to do a great comedy set for you all. 21 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,401 But if it doesn't go well, I don't really care because 22 00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:11,613 comedy is just my hobby and sales is my passion. 23 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,283 Sales, getting the numbers in the green. 24 00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:18,828 That's a pretty good one. 25 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,290 Thank you. 26 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,376 (upbeat music) 27 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,671 My name is Carmen Christopher and I'm a comedian. 28 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,924 Over the last several years, 29 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,259 I've been doing shows pretty much every night of the week 30 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,553 around New York City and touring the country, 31 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:38,556 really refining my act so that I appeal to more than 32 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,559 just a bunch of smelly dudes in a Brooklyn basement. 33 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,021 But then the pandemic hit and comedy venues have closed. 34 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,773 But I think people still want to laugh. 35 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,191 So I say, fuck it, 36 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,609 I'm going to take my best material and I'm going to do 37 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,569 it on the streets of New York City, 38 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:55,198 unsolicited for people who do not even see it coming. 39 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:58,827 (upbeat music) 40 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:01,663 I noticed recently a lot 41 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:04,124 of people have been changing their names to reflect their 42 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:05,792 heritage more accurately. 43 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,004 And that inspired me to do so. 44 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:11,923 I'm half Mexican, half Italian. 45 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,383 (horns honking) 46 00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,760 So I'm going to change my name from Carmen Christopher 47 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:20,515 to Carlos, the cartel guy, de-christophono, the mob boss. 48 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,517 (light laughter) 49 00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,811 I come from a working class, 50 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:28,189 blue collar Catholic family in Chicago. 51 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,733 So when I go home 52 00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:32,652 for the holidays and tell them that I meditate and do yoga, 53 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:35,155 they try to put me into conversion therapy. 54 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:38,199 - Fail. 55 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,160 Like I said, I grew up in Chicago 56 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,454 and a little bit of a rougher neighborhood, 57 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622 like instead of singing the Pledge of Allegiance 58 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:47,167 before class each day, we would sing 59 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,669 "Insane In the Membrane" by Cypress Hill. 60 00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:52,297 Hand on the heart and everything. 61 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,675 I was cool with that, though, because I love hip hop. 62 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,553 I always wanted to be a rapper growing up, but nobody took me 63 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,847 seriously because my rap name was 64 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,807 Lil Peepee Cry Baby Boy. 65 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:04,809 (laughing) 66 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,187 Thank you. Not to be confused 67 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,522 with Lil Dickie, if anybody knows that rapper, 68 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,149 tell him I'm going to beat his ass. 69 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,275 I have a way 70 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,779 smaller penis than him. My penis is so small that you 71 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:18,531 can pack inside of a one hitter and smoke it. 72 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,618 - Push it back in, right? 73 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:24,287 Exactly, man. Yeah, Let me tell you what, buddy. 74 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,122 My penis is so small that you 75 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,249 could clean a Nintendo cartridge with it 76 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,044 I'm just messing around guys, 77 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,921 I got pretty average guy down there. 78 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:36,007 I interviewed for a job at Footlocker some years back 79 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,051 and unfortunately, I was not hired. 80 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,594 If I was hired, man, 81 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,763 you'd be walking in and I'd be like, hey, what's up, Papi? 82 00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,598 Welcome to Foot Locker 83 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,225 If you need help with anything, 84 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,894 just halla at me. I'm the district manager here. 85 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,229 I've been working here for 12 86 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,731 years and I get my haircut at Chipotle. 87 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,611 Here I'm doing stand up, and the reason I'm doing stand 88 00:03:56,653 --> 00:04:00,573 up is because I actually got kicked off all my improv teams 89 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,827 because I would only do scenes from "Remember the Titans" 90 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,038 And because I brought a gun to rehearsal. 91 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,499 Oh, shit. I'm actually getting a phone call. 92 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,126 Do you guys mind if I take this? 93 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,293 Oh shit. 94 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,296 Hello. 95 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,215 Hey, what's up, fellas? 96 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,218 Good, good, I'm actually in the middle of a comedy set. 97 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,302 Can I call you back? 98 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:23,972 Ok, sure, just make it quick. 99 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:24,723 Sorry. 100 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,726 Yeah, I thought about your 101 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,562 guys offer, but unfortunately, I'm going to have to pass. 102 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,609 No, 103 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,446 you can't just kill me because I don't want to join ISIS. 104 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,449 Ok, well, then you can come 105 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,659 find me now we're all down at Grand Army Plaza. 106 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:45,994 Fuck you. 107 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,747 Sorry about that. 108 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,458 I love doing comedy, except I got this stepdad 109 00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,626 from the South who always feels the need to run these 110 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:56,963 really bad jokes by me that have no punch lines. 111 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,173 The only way that you'll know 112 00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:00,342 the joke is over because he'll go like this. 113 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,554 - I was waiting for it. 114 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,474 He'll be like, I was in New York the other 115 00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:11,353 day for the first time. I was walking down the street 116 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:15,315 and I see this big black bag on the sidewalk. 117 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,317 Well, I like free stuff. 118 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,861 So I take it back to the hotel, open it up. 119 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,363 It's garbage. 120 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,619 Good stuff. - All right. 121 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,871 - Thank you guys. That's enough. Thanks man. 122 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,122 - We're gonna keep carrying this. 123 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,499 - Alright. Have a good day. 124 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:36,002 (upbeat music) 125 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,423 I'd like to share a special talent I have with you all. 126 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,509 A few years back, I was named 127 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:46,471 The World's Best Tongue Clicker by Bizzaro magazine. 128 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,348 Most people, they were out there, 129 00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,392 they were clicking their tongues like this. 130 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,395 (clicking sound) 131 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:57,899 But when I click my tongue, it sounds like this. 132 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,111 (techno music) 133 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:16,001 (techno music) 134 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,561 Yeah, I've pretty much been 135 00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,856 on my grind this quarantine. Every morning I wake up, 136 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:41,693 I soak my underwear and socks in cold water, put them on, 137 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,487 then do all my chores for the day, because once you 138 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:47,323 get comfortable, you stop grinding. 139 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,910 And I just feel like if I keep working hard and keep working 140 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:54,748 hard, I'll find a way to bring my grandparents back to life. 141 00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,585 This is fucking sick. 142 00:06:58,626 --> 00:07:00,837 So apparently, like 143 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,756 people are starting to tag me on Insta Stories. 144 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,466 So it's like already going viral. 145 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,134 1,310. 146 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,595 They're following 3,752 147 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,931 Fuck! This is... This is good. 148 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,687 Hey, if dogs love food so much, 149 00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:19,147 why don't they learn how to cook? 150 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:21,399 Ha ha. 151 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,819 I've been doing a transcendental meditation 152 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,446 lately and it's really great for me. 153 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:27,864 It helps me focus. 154 00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:30,658 It makes me feel like I could literally do anything. 155 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,868 Like just the other day, 156 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:34,662 a shooter walked on to the train and I just 157 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,415 stayed calm, locked eyes with him, 158 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,169 quickly disarmed and broke his arm, set him down and waited 159 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,588 for authorities to come arrest him. 160 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:46,007 When the cops got there, we just high fived for like 161 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,551 a half an hour and drank Miller High Lifes. 162 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:49,803 They even let me ride 163 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:52,138 on the top of their squad car like Teen Wolf. 164 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,141 Ha ha. 165 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,560 All right. Have a good night, folks. 166 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:58,561 - How are ya? - Good. 167 00:07:58,603 --> 00:07:59,854 How are you doing? - Good. 168 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:03,149 You can't preach in front of my bar. I'm sorry. 169 00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,984 - Oh, I wasn't preaching. I was doing stand up. 170 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:05,860 - Okay. - Alright. 171 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,278 But my real dream is to get 172 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,989 shot and have all my ex-girlfriends come visit 173 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:12,826 me in the hospital, take a picture with them 174 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,911 post it to Instagram and caption it 175 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:17,038 "Ha ha ha. Look, they're still obsessed" 176 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,917 And I think my dreams will come true. 177 00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,711 I'm not trying to name drop or anything but, 178 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,546 the Lord is my savior. 179 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:25,588 Ha ha. 180 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,632 The Lord is my savior, yes. 181 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,095 (upbeat music) 182 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,349 I was in L.A. a few weeks ago 183 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,935 and I saw this guy in front of a coffee shop. 184 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:42,063 He was around my age having this conversation... 185 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,442 Mom, chill. 186 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,529 Mom, stop. 187 00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,700 Mom, chill! 188 00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,954 Mom, stop! 189 00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,250 MOM, CHILL!! 190 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,421 MOM, STOP!! 191 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,509 It's going to take time to become an actor! 192 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,680 No, do not tell me to calm down 193 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:19,059 and do not call me Mike, the name you gave me. 194 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,936 After seeing Lady Bird and realizing 195 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,813 I can have any name I want, 196 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,691 I want you to start calling me Viper Fucker. 197 00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,028 Thank you. 198 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,197 Thank you. 199 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,991 Who's winning? Uh oh. 200 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:44,125 You hear a lot of weird phone conversations in New York. 201 00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:47,837 I was a host at a restaurant on Wall Street and I hear 202 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,131 this guy having this conversation. 203 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,133 Uh huh, yeah. 204 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:56,429 Uh huh, yeah. Ok, well, you tell your boss, 205 00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:59,391 I said the only difference between money and toilet paper 206 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,811 is when I get done wiping my butt with money, I eat it. 207 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,688 (players talking indistinctively) 208 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,065 Hi, table for 12, please. 209 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,694 No, it'll just be me by myself this evening. 210 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,655 What do you mean I can't have my own table? 211 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,698 Don't you know who I am? 212 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,410 My name is Clyde Maxwell, I live on the Upper West Side 213 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,620 in a five bedroom, three bath. 214 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:23,873 But I'm from the city so nice they almost named it twice. 215 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:26,167 Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin. 216 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,628 Maybe now you recognize this face? 217 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,549 I was an extra in Requiem for a Dream. 218 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,427 I was one of the businessmen yelling ass to ass. 219 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,304 I actually improvised that line on set. 220 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,098 The director liked it so much that he had 221 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,267 all the other businessmen extras chant it as well. 222 00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,519 Ended up getting a writing and acting credit. 223 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,106 (upbeat music) 224 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,741 Yes, so I'm single and it sucks. 225 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:02,203 It's like being a tertiary character in a rom com, right? 226 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,205 I'm the guy in the movie who's 227 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:07,417 watching his best friend talk to a beautiful lady. 228 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,920 The beautiful lady walks away and I go up to my best friend 229 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:14,674 and I go, um, dude, who was that? 230 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,762 I'm that guy in the movie. 231 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:22,515 Shit, I'm getting a phone call. 232 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,434 You guys mind if I take this? 233 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,520 You guys mind if I take this? 234 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:28,730 - No. 235 00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,565 - Thanks. Thanks, bro. 236 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,276 Hello. 237 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,528 What? 238 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,238 (crying) 239 00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:40,408 Why would you call and tell me that now? 240 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,746 I'm in the middle of a show. I gotta go. 241 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,667 You guys, I just got a call. 242 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:49,834 (crying) 243 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,961 My parents are getting divorced. 244 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,546 (crying) 245 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,174 Sike. They got divorced 20 years ago. 246 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,550 Let's party. 247 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,887 Party time, party time 248 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,681 (grinding) 249 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:06,351 I'm going to the mall. 250 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,228 Take a half a Xanax. 251 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,230 I feel like a lot of people when they watch 252 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,940 comedy, they don't really want to think. 253 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,234 They just want to like, do whatever. 254 00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,486 For my comedy it really makes you think 255 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:24,869 yeah. 256 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,497 My dad pretty much ghosted the family after that one. 257 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,334 I got beef with my mom too, though. 258 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,211 When I was a kid, 259 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,922 my mom caught me stealing gummy worms from a Wal-Mart 260 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:39,676 and she spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth. 261 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,511 Can you imagine that? 262 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,513 Getting bent over, spanked so hard 263 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,515 that the stool that's sitting 264 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,684 by your butt gets popped out of the mouth? 265 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,646 Yeah, times are weird. 266 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:52,814 (laughing) 267 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,941 Times are weird. 268 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,986 Looking forward for things 269 00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:01,489 to go back to normal so that I could finally go on a boys 270 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,701 trip to Italy with 50 guys I just met on Zoom. 271 00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:11,458 My New Year's resolution this upcoming year is going to be 272 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,502 to be in contact with my friends more. 273 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,297 Looking to Facetime at least 20 friends a week 274 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,549 to ask them what they're working on. 275 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,885 And once they start talking, I'll cut them off and tell 276 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:25,221 them what I'm working on. Which is a new screenplay 277 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,932 where Joker gets coffee with all the Irishmen. 278 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:31,770 But we CGI all their faces to look like Baby Boss. 279 00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,772 Yes. 280 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,776 If I was a teacher, no bathroom breaks. 281 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,904 We're here to learn, not pee and poo. 282 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:43,615 (horn honks) 283 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:45,825 I'm excited to say that I got 284 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:49,120 through most of my goals this year, except for my summer 285 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,831 reading list, which was the Bible, 286 00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:55,877 a Bridge to Terabithia and a from Dusk Till Dawn DVD case. 287 00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:56,878 - Excuse me. 288 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:57,837 Can you do that somewhere else? 289 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,464 - Yeah, sorry. 290 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,843 Just trying to bring joy to New York. 291 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,304 Working hard. 292 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,098 For her to come out and say, excuse me, 293 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,391 can you do that somewhere else? 294 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,934 Is actually pretty inappropriate 295 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,061 because it felt like people were into that. 296 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,270 I don't know. 297 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,773 (upbeat music) 298 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,485 Nice thing about quarantine is I've been able to 299 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,654 catch up on shows I've never watched before. 300 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,448 Started watching Sex and the City. 301 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,827 Don't sleep on this show, fella's. It's pretty good. 302 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,163 Does a great job of capturing New York City's nightlife. 303 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,291 Now we just freakin go in someone's backyard, 304 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,669 sit in a circle and talk about how horny we are. 305 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,797 Can't even hug anymore. 306 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:43,216 And it's not because we're scared to get Covid, 307 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:44,926 but we're scared to get aroused 308 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,303 I haven't touched anybody in so long. 309 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:49,973 A great thing I picked up 310 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,934 from the show Sex in the City is a new icebreaker for when 311 00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:54,102 I go on dates. 312 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,564 Now when I go out with the lady, I like to ask her 313 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,025 which Sex and the City character are you? 314 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,028 And if she says Carrie, 315 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:06,740 then I bounce the fuck out because I'm not trying to hear 316 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,409 some typing when I'm trying to go to sleep at night. 317 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,203 I'm all tired. I got to get up for work in the morning. 318 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,538 Got to hear this--- 319 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,749 (click click click) 320 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:18,585 And that sounds like a mouse. 321 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,087 And everybody knows I suffer from musophobia. 322 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,130 - That was cool. 323 00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:24,424 - Thanks. Thanks, bro. 324 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,926 I suffer from a musophobia, the fear of mice. 325 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,471 Not to be confused with my favorite cheese, 326 00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,014 which is muso-rella! 327 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,015 Ha ha 328 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,683 It's a newer one. 329 00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,644 Not too good with the ladies, but what do you expect? 330 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:38,188 I learned from my brother. 331 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,732 I saw my brother go up to a lady in a bar like this once. 332 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,616 Damn, girl, you drink too much. 333 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,827 Yeah, you think he's going to be a sexual predator, 334 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,914 just turns out he's rude. He's rude. 335 00:15:58,208 --> 00:16:00,168 See what else we've got going on. 336 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:01,378 And I'm actually excited 337 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,254 to announce I've never been depressed. 338 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,839 (rim shot) 339 00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:06,966 It's one of the joys of my life, 340 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,302 and I like to talk about it as much as possible, 341 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,054 especially around my comedy friends. 342 00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,432 (rim shot) 343 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,059 I'll tell you guys what, I do not condone this. 344 00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:19,521 Please, please, please, but if I had to commit suicide 345 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,649 the way I would do it, is I would take a gun and I 346 00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:25,568 would go bang, bang. Two shots to the mouth. 347 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:26,736 Because if you can get off 348 00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:29,864 that first shot, bang, and get off a second 349 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,909 shot, bang, that's like kind of cool. 350 00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:35,203 You survived a shot to the mouth 351 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,371 and then you got another one off? 352 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,706 Am I right, guys? 353 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:38,707 (rim shot) 354 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,919 Dang, feels like these lines are getting long, huh? 355 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,379 Ha ha 356 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,256 Three hours? No, thanks. 357 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:48,091 I'd rather watch The Irishman. 358 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,012 Sorry to do The Irishman joke, guys. 359 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,432 No new movies have come out in the last year. 360 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,563 I hear we're going to get another stimulus check. 361 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,398 Oh, great, now I can finally 362 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,567 afford to get that stick out of my ass. 363 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,486 You know what I'm talking about? 364 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,530 (upbeat music) 365 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,783 Feels like everybody's is just ignoring me. 366 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,792 I'll tell you what the real pandemic is, 367 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,795 is a, two hundred and twenty five 368 00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:29,257 million Americans are addicted to saying "no worries" 369 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:34,846 Try to act real cool on dates, but I get nervous. 370 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:38,058 This is me when I don't know what to talk about on a date. 371 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,867 Isn't it crazy that 372 00:17:56,785 --> 00:18:00,121 all the Power Rangers went to the same high school? 373 00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:05,126 That would be like if all 374 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:08,880 the women from The View went to the same high school. 375 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,926 This is also my face 376 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,636 when my mom says I can stay 377 00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:16,888 on the data plan well into my 30's. 378 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,518 - I didn't even chuckle and I wanted to. 379 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:22,894 And I've seen worse. 380 00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,814 I mean, wasn't even close to--- 381 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,567 I just don't think he's ready yet. 382 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,070 He could be funny if he tinkered it, 383 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,739 you know, Washington Square Park, 384 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,367 if he did that joke in Washington Square Park. 385 00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:40,870 That's how he could test to see if he's really good. 386 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,498 Washington Square Park in the fountain. 387 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,333 If he can't get them to laugh, 388 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,334 telling you. 389 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,969 (upbeat music) 390 00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:07,981 - I saw this guy jogging 391 00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:11,067 the other day without a mask, so I yell at him, I go, 392 00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:14,487 Hey, buddy, put on a fucking mask! 393 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:16,489 As mine lay gently under 394 00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:20,035 my chin while I was blasting Sicko Mode on this boombox. 395 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:22,787 You guys know that song Sicko Mode? 396 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,248 - No, never heard it. 397 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:28,501 Yeah, they wrote Sicko Mode after they walked in on me 398 00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:30,378 and my cousin going down on each other. 399 00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:33,006 Yeah, they walked in, 400 00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:35,091 they were like, Yo! This is sicko mode! 401 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:37,302 We got to hit the studio tonight. 402 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,473 I noticed I'm getting older recently. 403 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,059 And the reason I know I'm getting older is 404 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,687 because a few years ago I went to a Travis Scott concert. 405 00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,440 And before the concert started, 406 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:53,610 they made an announcement that school would be canceled 407 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,445 tomorrow due to a snow day. 408 00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:58,656 And the place fucking erupted. 409 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,118 It was a bunch of high schoolers going batshit crazy. 410 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,703 They were passing around joints 411 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,789 like it was Woodstock '94. 412 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,250 And this young girl next to me, she starts jumping up 413 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:12,087 and down and she knocked over my eighteen dollar drink. 414 00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:14,547 And I wanted to yell at her, 415 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:17,926 but I couldn't because it's like, this is a young girl. 416 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,136 I should be at home buying real estate. 417 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,808 And fingers crossed for another housing crisis. 418 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,309 Am I right? 419 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,853 I'm looking to gobble up some foreclosures 420 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,564 JK. I don't really have money. 421 00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:33,191 I don't really have money like that. 422 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,488 All right, gang, thanks for coming out. 423 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:39,698 Have a good night. 424 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,992 Well, those are the bunch 425 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:45,537 of the coolest kids ever seen in my life, and they didn't 426 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,831 laugh at me once. I would like to think 427 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,750 that that was going to be my bread and butter. 428 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,585 Those like young, cool kids. 429 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,754 - I didn't understand most of the jokes. 430 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,757 Some of them made me laugh, but not for the reasons 431 00:20:57,799 --> 00:21:00,385 that you would want somebody to laugh at the jokes. 432 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,636 You know what I mean? 433 00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:04,014 - Uh, it makes me think though, 434 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,349 is it like is it me? I don't know. 435 00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:08,518 Like Jerry Seinfeld have done well there? 436 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,061 I don't think so. 437 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,396 I don't think too many comics could have done well there. 438 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,441 Woo! That was bad. 439 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:21,364 My dentist said that, uh 440 00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,575 I should get Invisalign 441 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,410 because my bottom teeth are crooked. 442 00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:27,746 No thanks. - Sorry. Sorry, no. 443 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,080 - My teeth are good. 444 00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,832 - I'm taking orders and I can't hear them. 445 00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:32,375 Sorry. It's too loud. - Ok. 446 00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:35,628 Hey, buddy. Your bottom teeth are crooked. 447 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,881 You need Invisalign. 448 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,175 No, not if I'm happy. 449 00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:44,804 I'm a big fan of the game show Family Feud. 450 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,222 I was watching it the other 451 00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,933 day and I was like, damn, I can never be on this show 452 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:51,895 with my family because what would happen is 453 00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:54,564 my sister would be up to answer and Steve Harvey 454 00:21:54,606 --> 00:21:58,068 would ask, what is a popular household detergent? 455 00:21:58,109 --> 00:22:01,196 She'd buzz in, (bzzz) Irish Springs! 456 00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:02,781 (errr!) 457 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:05,492 My brother would be like, No, that's a soap, you dumb idiot. 458 00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:08,912 I'd be like, Whoa, dog, you can't talk to her that way. 459 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:11,956 And honestly, it's not that bad of an answer. 460 00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:13,625 Irish Spring--- 461 00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,835 Shit, I fucked up. 462 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:18,838 What is Irish Springs? 463 00:22:19,339 --> 00:22:20,590 Feels like everybody 464 00:22:20,632 --> 00:22:22,842 in Brooklyn is a little bit too cool for school. 465 00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:25,762 Am I right? This is literally how 466 00:22:25,804 --> 00:22:27,972 everybody crosses the street in Brooklyn. 467 00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:32,477 Am I right? 468 00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:36,981 And everybody's got these air pods buzzing. 469 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:38,858 My sister buzzing. 470 00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:40,944 (bzzz) Irish Springs. (errr!) 471 00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:43,488 Whoa, thank you so much. 472 00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,699 God bless you. 473 00:22:45,740 --> 00:22:47,742 I'm going to try to figure this joke out. 474 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:50,120 Everybody's got air pods. 475 00:22:50,161 --> 00:22:51,621 I think they call them air pods 476 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:53,248 because once you open them, 477 00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:55,458 they disappear in the air. Right? 478 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:58,003 I have a a better job tracking down a--- 479 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,171 - You said one joke. 480 00:23:01,131 --> 00:23:02,507 - Better down--- - You said one joke. 481 00:23:02,549 --> 00:23:04,843 - I have a better job tracking down a booger that I 482 00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,469 - This is two. 483 00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:08,763 - I have a better job tracking down a booger I lost in the--- 484 00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:09,931 - They're both horrible. 485 00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:11,182 - So far it's none. 486 00:23:11,224 --> 00:23:12,267 - I have a... I have a - Out. 487 00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:13,935 - I have a better job tracking down 488 00:23:13,977 --> 00:23:15,895 a booger that I flicked in the fourth grade. 489 00:23:15,937 --> 00:23:16,813 - Out. 490 00:23:16,855 --> 00:23:17,939 - Better job tracking down 491 00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:19,357 a booger I flicked in the fourth grade. 492 00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,401 - This is gonna be a bottle of water. Go. 493 00:23:22,027 --> 00:23:23,653 - You throw that to me, I'll sue you. 494 00:23:23,695 --> 00:23:25,280 - Tell another booger joke. Go ahead. 495 00:23:25,864 --> 00:23:27,449 - I love boogers. 496 00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:30,201 Oh, that was tough. 497 00:23:31,369 --> 00:23:33,371 Have a good one. - You're not wanted. 498 00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,498 - Ok, thank you. 499 00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:39,878 I feel like it's half good. 500 00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:41,838 Half bad. 501 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,425 But I guess that's part of the game. 502 00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:48,595 I think that's part of the lifestyle that I chose. 503 00:23:49,346 --> 00:23:50,680 Can you guys mind if I have a second? 504 00:23:50,722 --> 00:23:52,599 - Yeah. - Alright. Thanks. 505 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:55,310 Fucking--- 506 00:23:55,352 --> 00:23:57,687 It's fucking going off, I fucking hate this. 507 00:23:57,729 --> 00:24:00,565 I fucking suck at everything, I fucking suck at this shit. 508 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,859 Ok, put your head in the game. 509 00:24:02,901 --> 00:24:05,445 Let's do it! All right. 510 00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:07,447 You guys ready to hit the town? 511 00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:09,532 City usually comes around at night, so--- 512 00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:13,536 (smooth jazz music) 513 00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:17,624 I don't know about you guys, 514 00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:21,878 but I like to drink so that I could drive faster. 515 00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,588 I'm just messing around. I don't have a license. 516 00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,215 Have a good night, folks. 517 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:28,009 Yeah, I got a really low Uber rating. 518 00:24:28,051 --> 00:24:29,636 Can't take Ubers anymore 519 00:24:29,678 --> 00:24:33,431 because I insist that we drive with all the doors open. 520 00:24:35,308 --> 00:24:37,936 And you know I got to have that aux cord. 521 00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:41,398 Not to listen to music, but to listen to 522 00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:43,566 Bryan Cranston's audio book memoir. 523 00:24:44,442 --> 00:24:46,277 The first time I saw a standup special, 524 00:24:46,319 --> 00:24:49,030 it was Martin Lawrence: You So Crazy. 525 00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:51,116 And I was like, I can never do that. 526 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,325 I mean, this guy is just 527 00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:54,577 another level doing all these characters. 528 00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:57,789 He was just so big and so funny and so animated. 529 00:24:57,831 --> 00:24:59,541 Shit. Nothing? 530 00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:03,545 But then flash forward to now and here I am. 531 00:25:03,586 --> 00:25:05,922 I'm doing my own fucking comedy special and it's--- 532 00:25:05,964 --> 00:25:08,466 it's going ok. I just got to finish strong. 533 00:25:08,508 --> 00:25:10,010 Y'all are just going to ignore me 534 00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,511 like that wasn't a good joke? 535 00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:14,973 You guys look at me and you're like, this guy is perfect. 536 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,933 You're actually wrong. 537 00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:18,435 The first time I had a YouTube 538 00:25:18,476 --> 00:25:22,105 video get over one thousand views, I got super cocky 539 00:25:22,147 --> 00:25:24,441 and told my parents that I wish they would die. 540 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:27,652 Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that one 541 00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:32,657 Fuck... No laughs, huh? Ok. 542 00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:34,617 I think it's devastating 543 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:37,287 for New York to have comedy clubs closed right now because 544 00:25:37,328 --> 00:25:39,414 people want to get out and laugh. 545 00:25:39,456 --> 00:25:42,208 And there's a whole industry that 546 00:25:43,251 --> 00:25:47,005 needs this money that they make off the clubs. 547 00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:48,757 I tried. 548 00:25:48,798 --> 00:25:50,133 Shit man. 549 00:25:50,175 --> 00:25:51,634 I've actually I've actually never done it. 550 00:25:51,676 --> 00:25:53,636 I've actually never performed here before. 551 00:25:55,055 --> 00:25:56,389 But I would. 552 00:25:59,351 --> 00:26:00,727 You guys remember when sushi 553 00:26:00,769 --> 00:26:03,396 came out in the 90's and everybody thought it was gay? 554 00:26:04,147 --> 00:26:05,482 Well, that's not cool. 555 00:26:05,523 --> 00:26:09,319 My mom saw me stealing gummy worms from Wal-Mart once 556 00:26:09,361 --> 00:26:12,364 and spanked me so hard that poo flew out of my mouth. 557 00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:14,407 - That's disgusting. 558 00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:17,118 - I'm sorry. I'm really--- 559 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,703 - New joke, new joke at the restaurant. 560 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,246 - Bullshit. 561 00:26:20,288 --> 00:26:22,415 I need my closer to hit hard. 562 00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:25,669 Hey, you guys ever go to clap a fly dead 563 00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:28,880 and it completely disappears? And there's no traces of 564 00:26:28,922 --> 00:26:31,883 the fly on your hand? Is that magic? 565 00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:32,926 Ha ha 566 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:34,678 Is that magic? 567 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,721 They're fucking outside spreading Covid and they're 568 00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:39,391 going to look at me like I'm some fucking piece of trash? 569 00:26:40,225 --> 00:26:42,018 All right, I'm going to do some crowd work. 570 00:26:42,060 --> 00:26:43,269 Look at this guy. Who do you got? 571 00:26:43,311 --> 00:26:45,563 Eminem meets Limp Bizkit? Haha. 572 00:26:45,605 --> 00:26:48,149 - Stop bothering these fucking people. 573 00:26:48,191 --> 00:26:49,859 - Sorry, dude, I'm just doing standup. 574 00:26:49,901 --> 00:26:50,944 - Fucking go! 575 00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:52,362 - Those fucking guys suck. 576 00:26:52,404 --> 00:26:53,822 All I was trying to do is be funny 577 00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:54,823 and nothing else. 578 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,117 Hey guys. - What up? 579 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,160 - Hey, if dogs love food so much, 580 00:26:59,202 --> 00:27:00,537 why don't they learn how to cook? 581 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,581 Yeah. Whatever. That's a good joke. 582 00:27:04,124 --> 00:27:05,959 Eat your meal. Have fun. 583 00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:08,086 - Bye! - Leave me alone. 584 00:27:08,586 --> 00:27:11,214 I'm going to have to hit you with a bye bye bye. 585 00:27:11,256 --> 00:27:12,549 Oh, shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 586 00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:13,758 Chill, chill. 587 00:27:14,092 --> 00:27:15,427 Hate this. 588 00:27:19,931 --> 00:27:22,058 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 589 00:27:22,100 --> 00:27:23,184 I got an idea. 590 00:27:26,855 --> 00:27:28,940 Can I do some standup for you? Three minutes. 591 00:27:28,982 --> 00:27:30,734 - No. - Three minutes. 592 00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:31,526 - We're good. 593 00:27:31,568 --> 00:27:33,486 - All right, I'll pay you. 594 00:27:33,528 --> 00:27:35,447 You guys be willing to let me do like 595 00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,115 two minutes of jokes for you guys? 596 00:27:37,157 --> 00:27:39,159 - Ummm, no thank you. - Sorry. 597 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,785 Shit. All right. 598 00:27:40,827 --> 00:27:41,911 I'll pay you. 599 00:27:42,579 --> 00:27:43,496 - I'm good. 600 00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:47,250 - Please, I'll pay you. 601 00:27:47,292 --> 00:27:49,627 Come on, you don't speak English? 602 00:27:49,669 --> 00:27:51,296 That's ok, I'll still do it for you. 603 00:27:51,338 --> 00:27:53,465 Can you just pretend to laugh at me? 604 00:27:53,506 --> 00:27:55,633 Come on, it's a good New York experience. 605 00:27:55,675 --> 00:27:56,593 - Sorry, G. 606 00:27:57,010 --> 00:27:58,219 - Hey, excuse me, buddy. 607 00:27:58,261 --> 00:28:00,096 Can I do three minutes to stand up for you? 608 00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:01,639 - Sorry about that. 609 00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:03,475 I'll pay you to do stand up for you. 610 00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,310 - I appreciate that, thanks. - Please? 611 00:28:05,852 --> 00:28:08,646 Can I do three minutes of stand up comedy for you? 612 00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:09,898 - Sure. 613 00:28:09,939 --> 00:28:11,566 Ok, ready? 614 00:28:11,608 --> 00:28:14,152 - I just don't think he's ready yet. 615 00:28:14,194 --> 00:28:15,987 - I didn't understand most of the jokes. 616 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:17,614 - Gonna be a bottle of water. 617 00:28:17,655 --> 00:28:19,407 - Stop bothering these fucking people. 618 00:28:19,991 --> 00:28:21,618 [Carmen] I need my closer to hit hard to hit hard. 619 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:27,165 You guys ever see two people fighting and one person's like 620 00:28:27,207 --> 00:28:30,752 You don't know me, you do not know me. 621 00:28:30,794 --> 00:28:32,170 You don't know me. 622 00:28:32,212 --> 00:28:33,713 That's such a valid form 623 00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:36,841 of expression, because if they took the time to get to know 624 00:28:36,883 --> 00:28:39,052 one another, maybe they wouldn't be fighting. 625 00:28:39,094 --> 00:28:40,345 Right? 626 00:28:40,387 --> 00:28:41,554 You don't know me! 627 00:28:41,596 --> 00:28:43,473 Well, ok, well, where are you from? 628 00:28:44,015 --> 00:28:46,559 I'm from Des Moines, Iowa. But you don't know me. 629 00:28:47,352 --> 00:28:48,520 Whoa, I'm actually 630 00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:51,523 from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, just two hours away. 631 00:28:51,564 --> 00:28:53,733 Looks like we have more in common than we thought. 632 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:54,734 Ha ha 633 00:28:55,527 --> 00:28:57,612 Say, what's your love language? 634 00:28:58,405 --> 00:29:01,533 What? You're starting to piss me off. 635 00:29:01,574 --> 00:29:03,868 It's receiving gifts, but you don't know me. 636 00:29:05,161 --> 00:29:07,622 Whoa, mine is quality time. 637 00:29:08,665 --> 00:29:11,334 Say, what's your deepest, darkest fear? 638 00:29:12,085 --> 00:29:13,545 Umm... 639 00:29:13,586 --> 00:29:16,881 I guess it's just like fully being myself and not being 640 00:29:16,923 --> 00:29:19,884 accepted for that. But you don't know me. 641 00:29:20,677 --> 00:29:22,887 You're right, I don't know you, 642 00:29:22,929 --> 00:29:24,681 but to me, it seems like you're pretty 643 00:29:24,723 --> 00:29:27,100 damn good guy who just needs a bite to eat. 644 00:29:27,642 --> 00:29:29,394 So what do you say you put the gun down? 645 00:29:29,436 --> 00:29:31,396 He's been holding the gun the whole time. 646 00:29:31,980 --> 00:29:33,398 Come back to my place tonight 647 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:35,400 and let me make you some Bibimbap 648 00:29:35,442 --> 00:29:38,403 and we could put this whole parking dispute behind us. 649 00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:41,406 After all, we're both driving scooters. 650 00:29:41,448 --> 00:29:43,783 We could pretty much put these things everywhere. 651 00:29:44,951 --> 00:29:46,369 Sounds good, man. 652 00:29:46,786 --> 00:29:47,704 (bump) 653 00:29:48,747 --> 00:29:49,664 (bump) 654 00:29:55,045 --> 00:29:55,962 (kiss) 655 00:29:57,672 --> 00:29:58,631 (kiss) 656 00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:04,429 (tap tap) 657 00:30:05,764 --> 00:30:08,850 Hey, what the fuck, man? If my wife found out about 658 00:30:08,892 --> 00:30:11,478 that, she'd be wet as hell right now. 659 00:30:12,103 --> 00:30:13,438 Oh, yeah, well, 660 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,815 you sure did get hard pretty quickly, didn't you? 661 00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,692 Yeah, I guess it's because I'm 662 00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:20,528 sexually aggravated and due to my masculinity issues, 663 00:30:20,570 --> 00:30:22,447 I have nobody to express my anger to. 664 00:30:22,489 --> 00:30:25,617 So it turns into fights like these in all wars ever. 665 00:30:26,576 --> 00:30:29,621 Whoa. I'll see you at dinner. 666 00:30:39,255 --> 00:30:40,715 Ding-Dong. 667 00:30:45,387 --> 00:30:47,555 Hey, you made it. Thanks for coming. 668 00:30:47,597 --> 00:30:49,349 Meet my wife, Gloria. 669 00:30:49,391 --> 00:30:50,809 Oh, I know you. 670 00:30:50,850 --> 00:30:53,853 You're the asshole who tried to suck my husband's d. 671 00:30:55,605 --> 00:30:56,773 And 672 00:30:58,191 --> 00:31:00,360 I am the woman from Midsommar. 673 00:31:02,612 --> 00:31:05,657 And then, uh, that's my set. Thank you guys for coming out. 674 00:31:05,699 --> 00:31:07,951 (clapping) Thank you guys so much. 675 00:31:08,410 --> 00:31:11,121 (light piano music) 676 00:31:12,288 --> 00:31:14,124 That was my set. Thanks. 677 00:31:15,375 --> 00:31:18,920 I feel really proud and good that I was able to finish this 678 00:31:18,962 --> 00:31:22,298 special, we did a lot of shooting today. 679 00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:23,717 And, you know, 680 00:31:23,758 --> 00:31:26,094 I think that some people liked it and I think that some 681 00:31:26,136 --> 00:31:27,679 people really fucking hated it. 682 00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:29,973 And I humiliated myself a lot. 683 00:31:30,015 --> 00:31:33,018 So I hope that you all enjoy it more than I did. 684 00:31:33,059 --> 00:31:34,060 And if not... 685 00:31:34,102 --> 00:31:35,353 (phone rings) Oh, shit 686 00:31:35,395 --> 00:31:38,189 My bad, I'm going to take this real quick. Sorry 687 00:31:38,231 --> 00:31:39,691 Hello. 688 00:31:40,692 --> 00:31:41,985 This is. 689 00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:44,070 Yeah. 690 00:31:45,030 --> 00:31:46,239 Oh, my God. 691 00:31:47,657 --> 00:31:49,409 Oh, my God, yeah, I would love to. Thank you so much. 692 00:31:53,538 --> 00:31:55,206 Ok, that sounds great. 693 00:31:55,248 --> 00:31:56,875 I'll be there. I'll be there. 694 00:31:56,916 --> 00:31:57,876 Thank you. 695 00:31:57,917 --> 00:31:59,627 Ok, goodbye. 696 00:31:59,669 --> 00:32:00,587 Yo. 697 00:32:02,047 --> 00:32:03,673 Yo. 698 00:32:04,507 --> 00:32:05,759 You're not going to believe this. 699 00:32:06,509 --> 00:32:09,721 (piano music)