WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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(MUSIC ENDS)

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DREW MICHAEL:
It's nice to see you people.

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I have a hard time
with people, so here we go.

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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Well, it's always been hard
for me to connect with people

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throughout my whole life,

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and I think there's, you know,
a lot of reasons for that.

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Um, I have a hearing loss
that I've had since I was a kid.

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When I was three years old...

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I failed a hearing test.

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I took a hearing test
and the doctor said,

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"You failed the hearing test."

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Well, I didn't know
what he said, but...

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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...he said something,
and my parents got upset,

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so I assumed
I didn't nail it, and...

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So he told my parents,
he said,

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"This kid needs hearing aids."

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And so instead of doing that,
they didn't. So we just...

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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...coasted until I was 21.

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I didn't wear them
till I was 21.

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I wore them for like a week
when I was in fifth grade,

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but then this girl I had
a crush on asked about them.

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She's like,
"What's in your ear?"

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I was like, "Well, that's
the end of that forever."

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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"So I'll figure...
I'll figure it out."

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It instilled this kinda sense
of shame in me.

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You know, I took it
as something was wrong with me.

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I put it on myself.
I go, "I must be fucked up."

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And then I'm like,
"No, my doctor fucked up."

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And then my friends were like,
"No, dude, your parents,

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your parents fucked up."

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And it's like, "Oh, cool,
well, add it to their tab."

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-Like, I don't know...
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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They got a long tab running,
you know.

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Also, they got divorced
when I was 12,

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which is, like,
the most "fuck you" age

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-you could possibly...
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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Like, you guys weren't, like,
killing it when I was five.

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You couldn't have done it then?
You had to wait until I was 12?

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They did do the thing
where they--

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This is a common thing
I think parents do

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when they get divorced,
they tell their kids--

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They told me,
"It's not your fault.

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Don't worry,
it's not your fault."

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It's like, "Yeah, first of all,
I wasn't thinking that.

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Uh...

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I don't know why you thought
I thought it was on me.

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Have you seen you guys?

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Mom is cripplingly insecure,

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and Dad's addicted
to prostitutes.

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On what fucking world
is this on me?"

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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I didn't have a good
blueprint...

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for what a relationship
should look like,

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so, you know,
I've struggled accordingly.

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I've had issues
in relationships.

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There's other reasons
for that, too.

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Like it can't be a good thing...
(CHUCKLES)

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It can't be a good thing
that the first...

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2,000...

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sexual experiences of my life...

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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...were with a Dell computer.
Like that can't be...

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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It can't be helping.

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It can't be pushing me
in the right direction

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on this pursuit of love
and happiness that I'm on.

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Two thousand.
That's the number, by the way.

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I didn't, like, write down
a funny number for you.

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-I counted.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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It's literally 2,000,
age 12 to 19

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was exclusively
that every single day.

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I bought a computer
for my family

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with my bar mitzvah money,

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and then I fucked it
for seven years straight.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

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That's how I began.

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That is the origin story
to my sexual identity,

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just downloading sexist shit
into my head.

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Then waltzing out
into the world like,

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"Oh, yeah,
I totally respect people."

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How? How is that even possible?

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It's so corrosive.
That shit will rot your brain.

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And it's certainly,
for a young boy,

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like, it's insane.
Even now, it's like...

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We like to pretend
like it's fine,

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but that's only because
we don't have to acknowledge

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what it is that we're doing.

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It's like this virtual,
wordless escapade.

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You never have to be accountable
for what it is you're doing.

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I think before...

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you're allowed
to click on a video...

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you should have to say
the title out loud.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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How badly do you want this?

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I feel like
most people are like,

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"I'm just gonna call my mom
and reconnect...

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-the person I need to be."
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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And it's bled in.
Yeah, my relationship dynamics

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have always been
somewhat turbulent.

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A lot of back and forth,

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break up, get back together
kind of things.

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A lot of things
that start really quickly.

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It's like immediate intensity,

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you know? Because usually
I feel like shit about myself

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and they feel like shit
about themselves,

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and we come together
and we're like,

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"Well, we have each other.

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And we can do all this stuff!

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We can do
all this stuff together

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now that we're both here.

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We can rub each other's heads.
We can take naps together.

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We can, like, slow dance
in the kitchen

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while we're waiting
for our cookies

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to finish baking." How specific
do you want me to get?

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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But then
when I have all that stuff,

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I'm able to see, I'm like,

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"Oh, this is a very
codependent relationship,

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this isn't healthy.

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This isn't the kind of thing
I wanna be in long term.

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You're not the person
that's right for me."

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So I'll be like,
"Maybe we should break up."

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But then they leave,
they take all the stuff!

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I'm like,
"I wanna break up with you,

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but you should love me still.

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Like, you should still
give me all the things,

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just don't ask me for anything."

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-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-Like, "I need you.

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Like, this is all built off
of the back of you.

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Like, your love for me
gave me the confidence

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to even feel like
I could break up with you."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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"I never would've broken up
with you if I was by myself."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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But it's a self-esteem thing.
I don't feel--

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I don't feel, like, good enough
for the person that I...

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that would be right for me,
you know?

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So, what if--
I play this in my head.

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What it feels like I need to do
is I need to find a girlfriend,

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uh, in order to be
confident enough

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to be the type of person
that I would need to be

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in order to attract the girl
that I actually want to be with.

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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On my own, I'm nothing,

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but in a relationship,
I'm kind of a catch.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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(CHUCKLES)

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I feel like
this is a common phenomenon,

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that love at first sight,
that idea, it gets propagated.

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We all know what you mean by it,
"love at first sight."

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And it's something
that's a really enchanting idea,

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you know? 'Cause you're like,

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you know,
one minute you're alone,

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the next minute
you've found the one.

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It's like, "What a...
What a day." (CHUCKLES)

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-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-What a day that would be.

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And so it's so enticing,
but I've seen--

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I've gone
that route so many times,

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I know what's
on the back end of it,

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so it's hard for me
not to be cynical about it.

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Now when I hear people like,
"We knew right away..."

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Did you?

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'Cause now anytime I hear
someone say

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about their own relationship,

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"We knew right away,"
all I hear is,

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"We were
both abandoned as children."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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You knew right away?
Your threshold

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for loving a person
is you saw them once?

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That seems like a low bar
to clear.

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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I feel like maybe
you can't handle

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the anxiety of uncertainty,

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so you went from zero
to 100 right away

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to skip over
that prospect of rejection

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and the risk
that they might not be

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who you imagine them to be.
Am I close?

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Am I fucking close?

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-Like, I feel like that...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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...is a more accurate
characterization

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of what we're talking about.

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If you're drawn to somebody
that quickly,

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that strongly, that intensely,
that immediately,

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that's not love.

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You probably have
unresolved trauma.

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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And the other person probably
represents an embodiment

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of the trigger of that trauma,
so you're drawn to them

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in this misguided attempt
to retroactively fix

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a fucked-up period in your past.

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That's not love!
Don't call that love.

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Don't rebrand that as love

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and make the rest
of us feel bad.

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Don't be out in the world like,
"It was love at first sight."

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Say something honest like,
"It was 'I felt the way I did

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when my dad left'
at first sight."

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-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'll believe that.

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I'll believe that, yeah.

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"My husband's face
looks just like the back

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of my father's head,
so I chased it..."

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-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"...to now."

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(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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You should not be chasing.
Don't chase.

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Love should not be chased.

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(GASPS)

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You shouldn't have that, like,
"Are we gonna make it?"

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(CHUCKLES) No!

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( AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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If you're wondering, no.
You should not be chasing.

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Like in movies, like,
to propagate this idea,

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"chase them,"
and that rom-com fantasy

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of chasing someone
to an airport.

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Chase a therapist to an airport.
Like, don't...

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Like, "Don't leave,
we have so much work to do!"

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-Like, that's...
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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(CHUCKLES)

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No, 'cause movies have
to show you--

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They can't show you
what love actually is.

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We don't wanna see it.
Love isn't entertaining.

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They have to show some dramatic,
conflicted version of love.

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They don't...

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We don't wanna see love,
actual love.

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It's beautiful. I'm not
shitting on the sentiment.

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It's an amazing thing
between the two people.

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It's not fun to watch.

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Think about a couple you know,
maybe you are that couple,

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who are truly in love,
in love, like,

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together, good, healthy.

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We don't wanna watch that.
Like, if you wanna--

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-If you--
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

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If you watched a movie
about a couple in love,

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you would just be on your couch

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watching a couple
on their couch,

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watching a better movie.

242
00:09:57.209 --> 00:10:00.542
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

243
00:10:03.500 --> 00:10:04.667
You're like, "Why...

244
00:10:04.751 --> 00:10:06.292
What are they watching?
I'll just watch that.

245
00:10:06.375 --> 00:10:08.083
Why don't we cut out...

246
00:10:08.167 --> 00:10:09.959
cut out the middleman?
I don't need..."

247
00:10:10.042 --> 00:10:12.959
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

248
00:10:13.042 --> 00:10:15.918
-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, my God.
-That's not what they show you.

249
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:17.000
'Cause we don't wanna see--

250
00:10:17.083 --> 00:10:18.959
We don't wanna see healthy,
good love.

251
00:10:19.042 --> 00:10:20.834
We wanna see, like,
a manifestation of, like,

252
00:10:20.918 --> 00:10:23.083
our own internal dramas
played out...

253
00:10:23.834 --> 00:10:25.125
for entertainment value.

254
00:10:25.209 --> 00:10:26.751
The problem is
there are people out there,

255
00:10:26.834 --> 00:10:27.959
like when I was a kid,

256
00:10:28.042 --> 00:10:31.834
who are like empty canvases,
who internalized that.

257
00:10:31.918 --> 00:10:33.584
And so it starts
to skew their view

258
00:10:33.667 --> 00:10:34.709
of what love could be.

259
00:10:34.792 --> 00:10:36.000
Like, people who don't have
a healthy blueprint

260
00:10:36.083 --> 00:10:38.459
are gonna absorb that
and take that in.

261
00:10:38.542 --> 00:10:41.876
You know, I was 12 years old
when the movie Titanic came out,

262
00:10:41.959 --> 00:10:43.334
and that was, like,

263
00:10:43.417 --> 00:10:46.459
iconic love story.
Like, here it is,

264
00:10:46.542 --> 00:10:51.042
epic love,
cruelly interrupted by fate.

265
00:10:52.459 --> 00:10:54.042
And I look at that movie now,
I'm like,

266
00:10:54.125 --> 00:10:56.626
"Wait, what were we rooting
for here?

267
00:10:56.709 --> 00:10:59.834
What did we want to happen?
For them to get to New York?

268
00:10:59.918 --> 00:11:03.000
They weren't gonna
make it as a couple."

269
00:11:03.083 --> 00:11:05.209
What did we think?
They're 20 years old,

270
00:11:05.292 --> 00:11:07.167
they've known
each other two days.

271
00:11:07.250 --> 00:11:08.918
I don't know everything
about relationships,

272
00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:10.250
but like, hey, maybe don't marry

273
00:11:10.334 --> 00:11:12.375
the artist you fucked
on a cruise.

274
00:11:12.459 --> 00:11:16.459
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

275
00:11:19.125 --> 00:11:20.709
Maybe that's not the move.

276
00:11:21.834 --> 00:11:24.209
Five minutes after you tried
to kill yourself.

277
00:11:24.292 --> 00:11:25.542
Do you remember
that's how they met?

278
00:11:25.626 --> 00:11:28.918
She was trying to kill herself
by jumping off the boat,

279
00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:30.459
and he was like,
"Hey, I'm pretty hot.

280
00:11:30.542 --> 00:11:32.292
What if you didn't do that?"
And so...

281
00:11:32.375 --> 00:11:35.500
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

282
00:11:35.584 --> 00:11:37.959
That's how they started.
They knew right away.

283
00:11:38.042 --> 00:11:40.292
Like, that's the thing,
is like, what happens?

284
00:11:40.375 --> 00:11:41.375
How is that gonna play out?

285
00:11:41.459 --> 00:11:43.083
Even if they get
to New York, what?

286
00:11:44.584 --> 00:11:47.500
-They have nothing in common.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

287
00:11:47.584 --> 00:11:49.125
You know what I mean?
Like, all they have is

288
00:11:49.209 --> 00:11:51.167
the excitement
that they made it.

289
00:11:51.250 --> 00:11:53.584
That lasts, what?
Six months, a year...

290
00:11:54.292 --> 00:11:56.500
two years, maybe?

291
00:11:56.584 --> 00:11:59.250
What happens five, ten years
down the road?

292
00:11:59.334 --> 00:12:01.459
Just sittin' there.
He's like, "So...

293
00:12:03.042 --> 00:12:05.542
you want me to draw you?"
She's like, "Fuck you!"

294
00:12:05.626 --> 00:12:07.876
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

295
00:12:09.876 --> 00:12:12.167
"I was engaged
to a billionaire.

296
00:12:12.250 --> 00:12:14.417
I had to sell that necklace
to pay the heating bill.

297
00:12:14.500 --> 00:12:17.334
You haven't sold a sketch
in years, Jack.

298
00:12:17.417 --> 00:12:19.959
How's that art gallery going,
Jack?"

299
00:12:23.167 --> 00:12:25.083
He's like, "Oh, come on.
Remember when we danced

300
00:12:25.167 --> 00:12:28.417
-with the common folk?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

301
00:12:28.500 --> 00:12:30.667
Terrible.
It would've been terrible.

302
00:12:30.751 --> 00:12:33.626
People are like,
"Oh, it's so sad what happened.

303
00:12:33.709 --> 00:12:35.167
If they
didn't hit the iceberg..."

304
00:12:35.250 --> 00:12:38.334
Fuck that! The iceberg
is the hero of that movie.

305
00:12:38.417 --> 00:12:40.709
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

306
00:12:44.167 --> 00:12:46.167
It might've killed Jack,
but it saved

307
00:12:46.250 --> 00:12:47.959
the rest of Rose's life.

308
00:12:48.042 --> 00:12:50.250
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

309
00:12:54.626 --> 00:12:56.083
I like movies, I do.

310
00:12:57.709 --> 00:12:59.209
I do.

311
00:12:59.292 --> 00:13:00.876
I don't like
movie culture, though,

312
00:13:00.959 --> 00:13:02.250
like Hollywood...

313
00:13:02.334 --> 00:13:04.292
like the culture surrounding it.
And every time I get roped

314
00:13:04.375 --> 00:13:06.209
into watching an award show,
I'm always reminded,

315
00:13:06.292 --> 00:13:08.542
like, who the fuck
makes these things.

316
00:13:08.626 --> 00:13:10.542
It's like, "Oh, my God."
You ever watch an award show?

317
00:13:10.626 --> 00:13:12.459
It's like this shouldn't be
on television.

318
00:13:13.375 --> 00:13:14.709
This should be, like...

319
00:13:16.125 --> 00:13:18.709
like, in an underground cave
at Bohemian Grove.

320
00:13:18.792 --> 00:13:22.792
Like, why is this
in front of the public?

321
00:13:22.876 --> 00:13:25.792
'Cause they try to act
like they're down-to-earth.

322
00:13:25.876 --> 00:13:28.125
Every time an actor
wins an award,
they always give some--

323
00:13:28.209 --> 00:13:29.667
It's not some, like,
normal speech,

324
00:13:29.751 --> 00:13:32.709
it's like a lofty,
sociopolitical response

325
00:13:32.792 --> 00:13:34.250
to the moment.

326
00:13:34.334 --> 00:13:36.751
It's like,
"We need to find a way.

327
00:13:36.834 --> 00:13:38.375
There's a lot of problems
in the world.

328
00:13:38.459 --> 00:13:41.125
We need to find a way
to come together

329
00:13:41.209 --> 00:13:43.500
and not let it divide us."

330
00:13:43.584 --> 00:13:46.334
Like Meryl Streep,
"We need to come together."

331
00:13:46.417 --> 00:13:49.000
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-"Find unity and strength,

332
00:13:49.083 --> 00:13:52.751
and break down the barriers
that keep us apart.

333
00:13:52.834 --> 00:13:55.709
-And find strength and unity."
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

334
00:13:55.792 --> 00:14:00.542
"Come together as a globe,
as a nation, as a people."

335
00:14:02.584 --> 00:14:04.417
I'm always like,
"Yeah, uh, you're wearing

336
00:14:04.500 --> 00:14:06.292
a diamond dress from Givenchy."

337
00:14:06.375 --> 00:14:11.083
Like, on what fucking planet
are you part of "the people"?

338
00:14:11.167 --> 00:14:13.584
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-Like, what do you think?

339
00:14:13.667 --> 00:14:15.751
Like, if there was
a true people's revolution,

340
00:14:15.834 --> 00:14:18.209
like a people's uprising,
it's gonna be your blood

341
00:14:18.292 --> 00:14:21.167
-splattered on the sidewalk.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

342
00:14:21.250 --> 00:14:22.334
They're not gonna spare you

343
00:14:22.417 --> 00:14:24.167
'cause they liked
Devil Wears Prada.

344
00:14:24.250 --> 00:14:26.500
They're gonna rip
your fucking head off,

345
00:14:26.584 --> 00:14:27.876
stick it on a stake,

346
00:14:27.959 --> 00:14:30.792
and sell that diamond dress
to a cartel for machine guns.

347
00:14:30.876 --> 00:14:32.209
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

348
00:14:32.292 --> 00:14:34.209
They're not gonna be like,
"Oh, get in the bunker.

349
00:14:34.292 --> 00:14:37.459
We love the nuance
of your artistic choices.

350
00:14:38.500 --> 00:14:40.792
It was so brave of you,
how you dared,

351
00:14:40.876 --> 00:14:43.709
oh, how you dared to be
a middle-class character."

352
00:14:43.792 --> 00:14:46.500
Like, "Oh, how you pretended
to be a thing

353
00:14:46.584 --> 00:14:49.709
people are their entire lives.
How did you do it?

354
00:14:51.459 --> 00:14:52.918
How did you prepare
for the role?"

355
00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:55.500
And they're always like,
"Oh, I lived amongst plumbers

356
00:14:55.584 --> 00:14:58.250
-for eight months."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

357
00:14:59.459 --> 00:15:02.584
"I lived how they lived.
I ate how they ate."

358
00:15:02.667 --> 00:15:05.292
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

359
00:15:05.375 --> 00:15:08.000
No, that's it, you can't.
You can't preach togetherness

360
00:15:08.083 --> 00:15:11.083
and unity when you're that rich.
You just can't do it.

361
00:15:11.167 --> 00:15:14.209
You're rich. You're super rich.

362
00:15:14.834 --> 00:15:16.417
That's why you got rich,

363
00:15:16.500 --> 00:15:18.709
is to get the fuck away
from everybody.

364
00:15:18.792 --> 00:15:20.834
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

365
00:15:22.417 --> 00:15:23.292
That's what money is.

366
00:15:23.375 --> 00:15:25.709
Money is just an escape
from people.

367
00:15:26.542 --> 00:15:27.709
That's why we want it.

368
00:15:28.584 --> 00:15:29.584
Everything money does for you.

369
00:15:29.667 --> 00:15:31.918
Doesn't even have
to be a lot of money.

370
00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:33.667
You'd be like,
"Ooh, I can afford an Uber."

371
00:15:33.751 --> 00:15:36.500
What's an Uber?
That is a bus for one person.

372
00:15:36.584 --> 00:15:39.792
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

373
00:15:41.751 --> 00:15:43.000
It's like,
"Yeah, I like the bus.

374
00:15:43.083 --> 00:15:44.626
I just wish
there were no people on it

375
00:15:44.709 --> 00:15:46.834
and it only went
where I want it to go."

376
00:15:46.918 --> 00:15:48.959
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

377
00:15:52.209 --> 00:15:54.000
Yeah, you can do that.
You gotta pay for it.

378
00:15:55.167 --> 00:15:56.167
You wanna join a gym,

379
00:15:56.250 --> 00:15:57.417
there's different kinds of gyms,
right?

380
00:15:57.500 --> 00:15:59.334
There's a whole spectrum
of gym options.

381
00:15:59.417 --> 00:16:01.042
There's a ten-dollar-a-month gym
on one end.

382
00:16:01.125 --> 00:16:02.709
Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym
on the other end.

383
00:16:02.792 --> 00:16:04.042
What's the difference?

384
00:16:04.125 --> 00:16:05.834
Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym,
it's nicer.

385
00:16:05.918 --> 00:16:07.709
It's not 20 times nicer.

386
00:16:07.792 --> 00:16:09.042
It's not like
the ten-dollar-a-month gym,

387
00:16:09.125 --> 00:16:10.209
the walls are falling off,

388
00:16:10.292 --> 00:16:11.459
and you pick up
the ten-pound weight

389
00:16:11.542 --> 00:16:12.542
and it's 100 pounds.

390
00:16:12.626 --> 00:16:13.918
You're like,
"Oh, fuck this gym!

391
00:16:15.083 --> 00:16:16.834
The dumbbells
are Gatorade bottles

392
00:16:16.918 --> 00:16:18.792
filled with rocks,
this gym sucks."

393
00:16:18.876 --> 00:16:21.709
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

394
00:16:23.334 --> 00:16:24.667
No, there's still
equipment there.

395
00:16:24.751 --> 00:16:27.167
The 200-dollar-a-month gym,
you pay 200 dollars a month

396
00:16:27.250 --> 00:16:28.667
so you don't have to
look at people

397
00:16:28.751 --> 00:16:30.417
who can only afford
ten dollars a month.

398
00:16:30.500 --> 00:16:32.542
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-That's what you're paying for.

399
00:16:32.626 --> 00:16:34.167
You wanna be able
to do a pull-up

400
00:16:34.250 --> 00:16:36.083
without being reminded
of the dark underbelly

401
00:16:36.167 --> 00:16:37.918
-of capitalism.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

402
00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:39.417
It's a 190-dollar surcharge

403
00:16:39.500 --> 00:16:41.918
to not have to make eye contact
with the consolation prize

404
00:16:42.042 --> 00:16:44.375
in this fucked-up game
we're all playing here.

405
00:16:45.500 --> 00:16:47.250
That's what you're paying for.
That's the premium.

406
00:16:47.334 --> 00:16:49.167
Everything money does
for you just pushes you

407
00:16:49.250 --> 00:16:51.792
further and further away
from everybody else.

408
00:16:51.876 --> 00:16:53.667
You wanna fly,
you buy a plane ticket.

409
00:16:53.751 --> 00:16:55.667
First-class ticket,
way more expensive.

410
00:16:55.751 --> 00:16:57.918
Why?
There's less people up there.

411
00:16:58.000 --> 00:16:59.334
They won't tell you that.
They'll be like,

412
00:16:59.417 --> 00:17:01.709
"No, you get more space."
It's like, yeah, motherfucker,

413
00:17:01.792 --> 00:17:04.167
space is just the absence
of people.

414
00:17:04.250 --> 00:17:06.959
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It's not a new entity.

415
00:17:07.042 --> 00:17:09.500
Space is a euphemism
for not anybody.

416
00:17:10.626 --> 00:17:11.709
"No, you get all this legroom."

417
00:17:11.792 --> 00:17:13.292
Yeah, 'cause they're no people
in the way

418
00:17:13.375 --> 00:17:15.042
of where my legs
are trying to go.

419
00:17:15.125 --> 00:17:16.959
We could all have
legroom back here

420
00:17:17.042 --> 00:17:18.918
if we weren't all back here.

421
00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:20.918
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

422
00:17:24.542 --> 00:17:27.125
Now, could you imagine
if two people in economy class

423
00:17:27.209 --> 00:17:28.876
were, like,
fighting over the armrest,

424
00:17:28.959 --> 00:17:30.792
and some asshole
from first class came back

425
00:17:30.876 --> 00:17:33.792
and was like, "Hey!
We need to all work together.

426
00:17:33.876 --> 00:17:37.459
We need to find
unity and strength as a flight.

427
00:17:37.542 --> 00:17:40.751
We're all flight 348,
after all."

428
00:17:40.834 --> 00:17:42.042
Then they swoosh the curtain

429
00:17:42.125 --> 00:17:44.292
and go back to their
apartment in the sky.

430
00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:46.626
How quickly before the back rows

431
00:17:46.709 --> 00:17:48.959
start bundling their
plastic silverware together

432
00:17:49.042 --> 00:17:50.167
to storm the front?

433
00:17:50.250 --> 00:17:51.459
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

434
00:17:51.542 --> 00:17:53.417
Like, "No, no, we're not trying
to hijack the plane,

435
00:17:53.500 --> 00:17:55.918
we're just trying to kill
rows one through five.

436
00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:58.167
Take their hot towels
and orange juice

437
00:17:58.250 --> 00:17:59.334
and spread it around."

438
00:17:59.417 --> 00:18:01.500
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

439
00:18:01.584 --> 00:18:03.125
That's the fantasy.
Everyone fantasizes

440
00:18:03.209 --> 00:18:04.667
about what they would do
when they get rich.

441
00:18:04.751 --> 00:18:06.292
You wanna get away
from everybody.

442
00:18:06.375 --> 00:18:09.959
Nobody fantasizes
about togetherness.

443
00:18:10.042 --> 00:18:13.250
Nobody's like, "Oh, dude,
if I got rich... (CHUCKLES)

444
00:18:13.334 --> 00:18:16.042
I would get
so many roommates."

445
00:18:16.125 --> 00:18:18.626
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

446
00:18:20.292 --> 00:18:23.375
"Oh, it'd be sick, we'd have
like a dishes schedule."

447
00:18:23.459 --> 00:18:25.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

448
00:18:25.876 --> 00:18:28.292
No, the fantasy is,
"I'm gonna build a moat

449
00:18:28.375 --> 00:18:30.125
around my house.

450
00:18:30.209 --> 00:18:32.292
People aren't gonna be able
to ring my doorbell

451
00:18:32.375 --> 00:18:34.876
without swimming across
a crocodile-laden river."

452
00:18:34.959 --> 00:18:37.334
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-Fuck everybody.

453
00:18:38.459 --> 00:18:40.042
And I got nothing
against rich people.

454
00:18:40.125 --> 00:18:41.375
You just can't have it
both ways.

455
00:18:41.459 --> 00:18:43.542
You can't bridge class
with a speech.

456
00:18:44.292 --> 00:18:45.250
You can't have it all

457
00:18:45.334 --> 00:18:46.626
and then have this, like,
faux empathy.

458
00:18:46.709 --> 00:18:50.125
Like, "Aww... it's so sad,
people don't have any money."

459
00:18:50.209 --> 00:18:51.751
It's like, "Well,
you seem to have it."

460
00:18:51.834 --> 00:18:53.709
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

461
00:18:53.792 --> 00:18:56.000
"Try giving it away.
You don't have to have it."

462
00:18:57.876 --> 00:18:59.542
And these phony causes,
every Thanksgiving,

463
00:18:59.626 --> 00:19:00.918
one of them
comes out with, like,

464
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:02.792
"It's so terrible what happened
to the Native Americans."

465
00:19:02.876 --> 00:19:05.209
It's like,
"Fucking, I don't know,
give 'em the land back."

466
00:19:05.292 --> 00:19:09.667
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

467
00:19:09.751 --> 00:19:12.626
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

468
00:19:12.709 --> 00:19:13.667
"No."

469
00:19:13.751 --> 00:19:16.167
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-"We can't do that.

470
00:19:16.250 --> 00:19:18.667
Where would we put the offices
of DoorDash?"

471
00:19:18.751 --> 00:19:21.751
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

472
00:19:25.083 --> 00:19:26.459
(CHUCKLES)

473
00:19:29.667 --> 00:19:30.918
I swear to God, these fucking...

474
00:19:31.000 --> 00:19:33.584
Like North America could be,
like, falling into the ocean.

475
00:19:33.667 --> 00:19:34.918
We could all be
killing each other

476
00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:37.209
over grain seeds
and fresh water.

477
00:19:37.292 --> 00:19:39.250
These people would be like
on Mars,

478
00:19:39.334 --> 00:19:42.083
-tweeting, "Stop the violence."
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

479
00:19:42.167 --> 00:19:43.584
"Love is stronger than hate."

480
00:19:43.667 --> 00:19:46.000
And changing their
profile picture to a blue circle

481
00:19:46.083 --> 00:19:47.709
to show they still care
about Earth.

482
00:19:47.792 --> 00:19:50.125
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

483
00:19:50.209 --> 00:19:51.876
Going on Jimmy Fallon
to promote it,

484
00:19:51.959 --> 00:19:53.918
like, "Yeah, we're changing
our profile pictures

485
00:19:54.000 --> 00:19:56.417
to blue circles
to raise Earth awareness."

486
00:19:56.500 --> 00:19:59.375
Jimmy's just like, "Oh, my God,
it's genius. Such a good idea."

487
00:19:59.459 --> 00:20:00.626
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

488
00:20:00.709 --> 00:20:02.626
"Oh, my God, how'd you think
of it? It's so important.

489
00:20:02.709 --> 00:20:03.792
You're doing such
important work."

490
00:20:03.876 --> 00:20:06.375
-(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

491
00:20:06.459 --> 00:20:08.959
"Oh, my God, it's..."
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

492
00:20:09.042 --> 00:20:12.000
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

493
00:20:12.083 --> 00:20:13.209
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

494
00:20:13.292 --> 00:20:16.709
Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry,
is there a more Guy Smiley,

495
00:20:16.792 --> 00:20:19.459
useless,
puppet fuck of a person...

496
00:20:19.542 --> 00:20:22.626
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

497
00:20:22.709 --> 00:20:24.542
...than Jimmy Fallon?

498
00:20:26.334 --> 00:20:29.042
Professional napkin.
Like how the fuck?

499
00:20:29.125 --> 00:20:30.876
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

500
00:20:30.959 --> 00:20:33.542
(GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY)

501
00:20:35.250 --> 00:20:37.000
Dude, I used to think
Leno said nothing.

502
00:20:37.083 --> 00:20:39.584
Fallon makes Leno look like
Malcolm X.

503
00:20:39.667 --> 00:20:41.792
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

504
00:20:44.083 --> 00:20:46.626
Like, "Oh, yeah."
(BABBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

505
00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:51.042
I'll never get asked
to do the show, but...

506
00:20:51.125 --> 00:20:53.667
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-(CHUCKLES)

507
00:20:54.792 --> 00:20:57.459
I... I would wanna do it
just one time,

508
00:20:57.542 --> 00:21:00.584
just to be like, "Hey, Jimmy,
what do you not like?"

509
00:21:00.667 --> 00:21:03.334
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-"What-- Is there anything--

510
00:21:03.417 --> 00:21:06.250
Do you have a hard stance
on fucking anything?"

511
00:21:06.334 --> 00:21:08.000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

512
00:21:08.083 --> 00:21:10.709
He'd be like, "Oh, my God,
it's such a cool take."

513
00:21:10.792 --> 00:21:12.125
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

514
00:21:12.209 --> 00:21:15.042
(GIGGLES) "I don't know, I...
I just kinda float around.

515
00:21:15.125 --> 00:21:17.792
I have no discretion,
yet I'm hugely influential.

516
00:21:17.876 --> 00:21:20.000
Culture's a joke."
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

517
00:21:20.083 --> 00:21:21.542
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

518
00:21:21.626 --> 00:21:23.709
"Every time I speak,
I mean less to myself.

519
00:21:23.792 --> 00:21:25.459
I'm murdering my identity
up here."

520
00:21:25.542 --> 00:21:27.417
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

521
00:21:27.500 --> 00:21:28.834
"It's genius." (LAUGHS)

522
00:21:28.918 --> 00:21:32.375
Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
Like you could literally--

523
00:21:32.459 --> 00:21:35.125
You could put a gun in his mouth
and...

524
00:21:35.209 --> 00:21:36.209
(MIMICS GUNSHOT)

525
00:21:36.292 --> 00:21:37.959
...blow his head off
and he'd be like,

526
00:21:38.042 --> 00:21:40.792
"Oh, my God, my brains are
on the wall! It's so cool!"

527
00:21:40.876 --> 00:21:41.876
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

528
00:21:41.959 --> 00:21:43.375
"How'd you do that?"

529
00:21:43.459 --> 00:21:45.209
He's a horror movie villain.
You can't kill him.

530
00:21:45.292 --> 00:21:47.334
His weapon is just
effusive nothingness.

531
00:21:47.417 --> 00:21:48.417
He just keeps coming.

532
00:21:48.500 --> 00:21:50.125
(SCREECHES) "Come back!
Don't you wanna play

533
00:21:50.209 --> 00:21:52.292
truth or dare
with Ariana Grande?"

534
00:21:52.375 --> 00:21:53.542
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

535
00:21:53.626 --> 00:21:56.626
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING)

536
00:22:03.751 --> 00:22:04.751
Nice.

537
00:22:06.417 --> 00:22:07.500
(SIGHS)

538
00:22:10.834 --> 00:22:12.042
Look, I just think

539
00:22:12.125 --> 00:22:13.876
if entertainment
is gonna be this ubiquitous,

540
00:22:13.959 --> 00:22:16.876
it can't be this devoid
of humanity. It just can't. It--

541
00:22:17.918 --> 00:22:18.959
You know, 'cause I grew up,

542
00:22:19.042 --> 00:22:21.584
entertainment was
important to me.

543
00:22:21.667 --> 00:22:23.417
And so, you know,
I looked to it for something,

544
00:22:23.500 --> 00:22:25.918
and to be that devoid
of substance, it feels...

545
00:22:27.083 --> 00:22:28.083
insulting.

546
00:22:29.876 --> 00:22:32.792
The problem with entertainment
is that it's all made...

547
00:22:32.876 --> 00:22:36.459
by the same type of person.
It's made by entertainers.

548
00:22:37.417 --> 00:22:39.042
Right? So it's like...

549
00:22:39.125 --> 00:22:42.751
-Entertainers are psychotic.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

550
00:22:42.834 --> 00:22:45.667
Like, just statistically.
So, look at this room right now.

551
00:22:47.250 --> 00:22:50.542
Almost everybody
in the room is sitting nicely,

552
00:22:50.626 --> 00:22:52.042
looking at this,

553
00:22:52.125 --> 00:22:55.375
and only one person is like,
"Heh, heh, my thoughts."

554
00:22:55.459 --> 00:22:57.000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

555
00:22:57.083 --> 00:22:59.417
"My thoughts."
And after this is over,

556
00:22:59.500 --> 00:23:01.125
you'll go home
to your respectable lives.

557
00:23:01.209 --> 00:23:02.459
And I'll try
to find another place

558
00:23:02.542 --> 00:23:04.083
to do, "My thoughts."

559
00:23:04.167 --> 00:23:05.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

560
00:23:05.876 --> 00:23:07.500
"Soon I'll be full."

561
00:23:07.584 --> 00:23:09.626
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

562
00:23:09.709 --> 00:23:11.167
So you have
to consider the source, right?

563
00:23:11.250 --> 00:23:13.250
I think about that
with all media.

564
00:23:13.334 --> 00:23:15.500
Social media,
for example, like, you know...

565
00:23:17.542 --> 00:23:19.375
You look at like Twitter
or something like that,

566
00:23:19.459 --> 00:23:20.500
it's like...

567
00:23:23.292 --> 00:23:26.417
Like Twitter--
Who's on Twitter? It's just...

568
00:23:26.500 --> 00:23:29.459
It's only people who think
it's like a good idea

569
00:23:29.542 --> 00:23:32.500
-to be on Twitter. Like...
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

570
00:23:33.125 --> 00:23:34.334
It's not everybody.

571
00:23:34.417 --> 00:23:37.042
It pretends to be everybody,
like, "Ooh, everyone's mad."

572
00:23:37.125 --> 00:23:38.209
You look at the trending topics,

573
00:23:38.292 --> 00:23:39.542
"Ooh, what's everyone
talking about?"

574
00:23:39.626 --> 00:23:42.209
It's not.
Most people aren't on it.

575
00:23:42.292 --> 00:23:43.667
Eighty percent of the public
doesn't use it.

576
00:23:43.751 --> 00:23:45.876
Ninety percent, I think,
doesn't use it regularly.

577
00:23:46.876 --> 00:23:49.375
So, like, what's trending?
Like...

578
00:23:49.459 --> 00:23:51.334
Most people aren't there,
so what's really trending

579
00:23:51.417 --> 00:23:53.500
is shutting the fuck up.
Like, most people...

580
00:23:53.584 --> 00:23:54.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

581
00:23:54.876 --> 00:23:56.334
Most people are doing that,
but you can't register that.

582
00:23:56.417 --> 00:23:59.667
You can't show somebody
not tweeting. Like you can't...

583
00:23:59.751 --> 00:24:02.500
They should show how much
we don't tweet also.

584
00:24:02.584 --> 00:24:04.334
They should show like a tweet,
and then

585
00:24:04.417 --> 00:24:07.584
you scroll through blank space
for like seven hours.

586
00:24:07.667 --> 00:24:08.792
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

587
00:24:08.876 --> 00:24:10.459
And then you come across
another tweet.

588
00:24:10.542 --> 00:24:13.209
You'd be like, "This is
a barren wasteland
for lunatics."

589
00:24:13.292 --> 00:24:15.375
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

590
00:24:21.375 --> 00:24:23.542
Everyone on Twitter
is somebody on Twitter.

591
00:24:24.876 --> 00:24:27.709
There's an inherent insanity
in the medium.

592
00:24:27.792 --> 00:24:29.792
Right? It's the same reason
I can't trust Yelp.

593
00:24:30.584 --> 00:24:32.751
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

594
00:24:32.834 --> 00:24:34.792
Every time I look at Yelp,
I read a Yelp review,

595
00:24:34.876 --> 00:24:37.626
I'm like, "Yeah, but this person
wrote a Yelp review."

596
00:24:37.709 --> 00:24:39.459
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

597
00:24:39.542 --> 00:24:41.709
"Why am I listening to a person
who logged in

598
00:24:41.792 --> 00:24:44.167
to write three paragraphs
on broccoli rabe?"

599
00:24:44.250 --> 00:24:46.375
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

600
00:24:46.459 --> 00:24:47.834
Everyone on Yelp
is someone on Yel--

601
00:24:47.918 --> 00:24:49.459
Every Yelp review starts
with someone going,

602
00:24:49.542 --> 00:24:50.709
"I'm gonna write a Yelp review."

603
00:24:50.792 --> 00:24:53.167
Like, fuck whoever
that person is.

604
00:24:53.250 --> 00:24:55.709
But that's everyone on Yelp.

605
00:24:59.042 --> 00:25:00.834
Everyone on Yelp is someone
who uses Yelp.

606
00:25:00.918 --> 00:25:02.417
Everyone on Twitter is someone
who uses Twitter.

607
00:25:02.500 --> 00:25:04.751
I want a social media site
where the only way to use it

608
00:25:04.834 --> 00:25:06.375
is to not.

609
00:25:06.459 --> 00:25:07.876
Like, I don't wanna hear
the thoughts

610
00:25:07.959 --> 00:25:10.250
that you want me to think
that you think.

611
00:25:10.334 --> 00:25:11.667
I wanna hear what you think.

612
00:25:11.751 --> 00:25:15.584
I wanna hear what you don't even
let yourself think you think.

613
00:25:15.667 --> 00:25:16.959
You know those thoughts?
You ever have like

614
00:25:17.042 --> 00:25:18.459
a fucking crazy thought
that bubbles up,

615
00:25:18.542 --> 00:25:21.042
and you push it away,
you're like, "Didn't think it!

616
00:25:21.125 --> 00:25:23.000
Didn't think it.
Still a good person.

617
00:25:23.083 --> 00:25:25.459
Didn't-- 'Cause I didn't
think it all the way.

618
00:25:25.542 --> 00:25:27.876
I didn't finish the thought
that I clearly started,

619
00:25:27.959 --> 00:25:29.375
so somehow that's not me."

620
00:25:29.459 --> 00:25:32.417
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-I want those.

621
00:25:32.500 --> 00:25:34.626
I want you
to cut open your heart

622
00:25:34.709 --> 00:25:35.709
and dump it into my brain.

623
00:25:35.792 --> 00:25:37.792
Intimacy is what
I'm looking for. Which is not--

624
00:25:37.876 --> 00:25:40.876
I shouldn't go to social media
for intimacy, you can't get it.

625
00:25:40.959 --> 00:25:43.125
You ever see someone try
to be intimate on social media?

626
00:25:43.209 --> 00:25:45.751
-It's fucking terrible.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

627
00:25:45.834 --> 00:25:46.959
It doesn't work. It never works,

628
00:25:47.042 --> 00:25:48.792
'cause it doesn't have
the language for intimacy.

629
00:25:48.876 --> 00:25:50.375
'Cause intimacy is amorphous.

630
00:25:50.459 --> 00:25:52.000
It doesn't come
with a character limit,

631
00:25:52.083 --> 00:25:54.667
or a soundtrack, or filter,
it's just...

632
00:25:54.751 --> 00:25:56.459
(GRUNTS)

633
00:25:56.542 --> 00:25:59.167
The language of social media,
is like, snark and division

634
00:25:59.250 --> 00:26:00.709
and attacks and clapbacks

635
00:26:00.792 --> 00:26:04.959
and, "Oh, that? Oh, clearly
you don't even know
about this."

636
00:26:05.042 --> 00:26:06.876
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

637
00:26:06.959 --> 00:26:09.500
That rises.
That gets a lot of attention.

638
00:26:12.876 --> 00:26:15.918
But we're all, like, fucked up,
right? It's like very confusing,

639
00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:18.417
and there's a big market
right now for certainty.

640
00:26:18.500 --> 00:26:21.751
Anyone who has an answer,
even if it's the wrong one,

641
00:26:21.834 --> 00:26:23.500
is in demand.

642
00:26:23.584 --> 00:26:25.375
That's why you get this
whole rash of people

643
00:26:25.459 --> 00:26:26.834
who garner these followings,

644
00:26:26.918 --> 00:26:28.959
'cause they're giving
people a narrative.

645
00:26:29.042 --> 00:26:32.500
All these like, you know,
podcast hosts, demagogue type,

646
00:26:32.584 --> 00:26:35.125
usually a white dude
who's like, "Hey, the media

647
00:26:35.209 --> 00:26:36.792
and the government
are all lying to you,

648
00:26:36.876 --> 00:26:37.834
but you know who's not?"

649
00:26:37.918 --> 00:26:39.626
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
"Me!"

650
00:26:39.709 --> 00:26:40.959
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

651
00:26:41.042 --> 00:26:43.334
"Me, the guy trying
to sell you CBD oil

652
00:26:43.417 --> 00:26:45.542
and sex toys every 30 minutes.

653
00:26:46.334 --> 00:26:48.876
I'm your beacon of truth.

654
00:26:48.959 --> 00:26:52.584
Wear me, listen to me."
This is collective narcissism.

655
00:26:57.417 --> 00:26:59.709
It's changed the way we think,
like the way we process

656
00:26:59.792 --> 00:27:02.083
our own language,
like how we sound.

657
00:27:03.042 --> 00:27:04.542
I remember in the '16 election,

658
00:27:04.626 --> 00:27:07.125
they were talking about the Rock
maybe running for president,

659
00:27:07.209 --> 00:27:08.751
and I said that to a friend,
I was like,

660
00:27:08.834 --> 00:27:11.167
"Yo, I heard the Rock
might run for president."

661
00:27:11.250 --> 00:27:13.584
My buddy was like,
"Is the Rock a Democrat?"

662
00:27:13.667 --> 00:27:15.542
And I was like, "Dude,
listen to the sentence..."

663
00:27:15.626 --> 00:27:18.209
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

664
00:27:18.292 --> 00:27:21.042
"...that you just said.
Is the Rock a Democrat?

665
00:27:21.125 --> 00:27:23.792
I don't know. He's a fake
wrestling character.

666
00:27:25.209 --> 00:27:27.334
I don't know where he stands
on healthcare."

667
00:27:28.542 --> 00:27:30.334
Is the Rock a Democrat?
I don't know.

668
00:27:30.417 --> 00:27:32.959
Did the Yellow Power Ranger
support the war in Iraq?

669
00:27:33.042 --> 00:27:34.959
What the fuck
are we talking about?

670
00:27:35.042 --> 00:27:37.918
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

671
00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:41.292
Where does Mickey Mouse stand
on abortion? I don't know.

672
00:27:41.375 --> 00:27:43.709
Is he a "second trimester
or before" kind of mouse,

673
00:27:43.792 --> 00:27:46.459
or more like a hardline...
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Life
begins at conception, folks."

674
00:27:46.542 --> 00:27:49.292
Like, I don't know
what Mickey thinks.

675
00:27:49.375 --> 00:27:50.751
Does Mickey think,
or does he just do

676
00:27:50.834 --> 00:27:52.459
whatever the artist
makes him do?

677
00:27:52.542 --> 00:27:53.959
Is there a consciousness
in Mickey?

678
00:27:54.042 --> 00:27:56.000
Do any of us think,
or are we just being guided

679
00:27:56.083 --> 00:27:57.083
by an unseen hand?

680
00:27:57.167 --> 00:27:58.584
Is thinking part
of the illusion?

681
00:27:58.667 --> 00:27:59.834
Is Descartes a fraud?

682
00:27:59.918 --> 00:28:01.417
This is why
I had to get off of Twitter.

683
00:28:01.500 --> 00:28:04.751
I existentially spiral.
I lose who I am.

684
00:28:06.292 --> 00:28:08.584
I did, I deleted my Twitter
a year ago.

685
00:28:10.667 --> 00:28:13.125
I still have Instagram
because I'm stupid.

686
00:28:13.209 --> 00:28:15.083
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

687
00:28:15.167 --> 00:28:19.459
Instagram is... It's like hell.
It's just like hell.

688
00:28:19.542 --> 00:28:22.542
You can download
hell to your phone for free.

689
00:28:22.626 --> 00:28:24.709
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It's free. Hell is free.

690
00:28:26.459 --> 00:28:28.042
Instagram is just like, "Hey...

691
00:28:28.959 --> 00:28:32.918
uh, are you not feeling
jealous today?"

692
00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:35.000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

693
00:28:35.751 --> 00:28:37.876
"Come hang out.

694
00:28:37.959 --> 00:28:40.125
Look, there's a beer,
some food you'll never eat.

695
00:28:40.209 --> 00:28:43.334
Go fuck yourself. We hate you.

696
00:28:43.417 --> 00:28:46.626
We are trying to tear you down.
We don't give a fuck.

697
00:28:46.709 --> 00:28:48.000
Here's places you'll never go.

698
00:28:48.083 --> 00:28:49.626
Here's a person
that will never fuck you.

699
00:28:49.709 --> 00:28:52.792
Go fuck yourself. We hate you."

700
00:28:52.876 --> 00:28:54.626
"We are manipulating
your emotions,

701
00:28:54.709 --> 00:28:55.709
and then monitoring them

702
00:28:55.792 --> 00:28:57.584
so we can sell you shit.
You want a bracelet?

703
00:28:57.667 --> 00:29:00.083
Yeah, we knew you would,
motherfucker." Literally.

704
00:29:00.167 --> 00:29:01.709
Literally! Literally.

705
00:29:01.792 --> 00:29:03.584
People are like,
"What do those bracelets mean?"

706
00:29:03.667 --> 00:29:05.209
They mean I'm a fucking moron!

707
00:29:05.292 --> 00:29:06.417
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

708
00:29:06.500 --> 00:29:08.375
They mean I was depressed
and got a targeted ad

709
00:29:08.459 --> 00:29:10.667
and thought these bracelets
would turn it all around.

710
00:29:10.751 --> 00:29:11.834
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

711
00:29:11.918 --> 00:29:13.626
That's what they mean.

712
00:29:13.709 --> 00:29:15.334
"You are nothing.
We have hollowed you out

713
00:29:15.417 --> 00:29:16.542
and emptied you

714
00:29:16.626 --> 00:29:18.334
and filled you with ourselves
and the desire for more.

715
00:29:18.417 --> 00:29:21.125
You are powerless against it.
This is a takeover.

716
00:29:21.209 --> 00:29:23.125
Didn't happen the way
it did in Terminator.

717
00:29:23.209 --> 00:29:25.375
It's a lot more subtle,
with more cat videos

718
00:29:25.459 --> 00:29:27.667
and 14-year-olds twerking.
Is that a crime?

719
00:29:27.751 --> 00:29:29.250
Ha, ha. We'll never tell you."

720
00:29:29.334 --> 00:29:31.709
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

721
00:29:34.792 --> 00:29:35.918
I hate it.

722
00:29:36.709 --> 00:29:37.792
It makes me feel like shit.

723
00:29:37.876 --> 00:29:39.876
The only social media site
that I like...

724
00:29:41.792 --> 00:29:43.751
is, uh, Venmo.

725
00:29:43.834 --> 00:29:48.167
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

726
00:29:49.000 --> 00:29:51.792
That's right. I like Venmo.

727
00:29:51.876 --> 00:29:54.000
Venmo's a money transfer app,
which everybody knows.

728
00:29:54.083 --> 00:29:56.042
But what not everybody knows
is that on Venmo,

729
00:29:56.125 --> 00:29:58.417
there's a feed,
where you can like...

730
00:29:58.500 --> 00:30:00.959
tab over and you can see
all of your friends'

731
00:30:01.042 --> 00:30:03.042
and your contacts'
financial transactions,

732
00:30:03.125 --> 00:30:04.792
which should be illegal,
but it's there.

733
00:30:04.876 --> 00:30:05.959
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

734
00:30:06.042 --> 00:30:08.417
It's right there. And I like it
because it's honest.

735
00:30:08.500 --> 00:30:10.542
It's the only honest
social media site out there.

736
00:30:10.626 --> 00:30:12.334
Every other social media site
is a projection

737
00:30:12.417 --> 00:30:15.876
of a version of yourself
that you wish you were
onto a canvas. Not Venmo.

738
00:30:15.959 --> 00:30:19.417
Venmo is the honest antidote
to the horseshit of Instagram.

739
00:30:19.500 --> 00:30:20.918
Instagram makes you feel bad

740
00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:22.876
because you're aware
of your own fears

741
00:30:22.959 --> 00:30:24.417
and insecurities
and preoccupations,

742
00:30:24.500 --> 00:30:26.042
but you're not seeing
anybody else's.

743
00:30:26.125 --> 00:30:27.542
So you're always
gonna lean that way.

744
00:30:27.626 --> 00:30:30.042
So you see a picture on
Instagram of, like, a couple...

745
00:30:30.834 --> 00:30:33.417
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

746
00:30:35.375 --> 00:30:37.876
Maybe they're on,
like, a beach...

747
00:30:37.959 --> 00:30:39.876
looking at a gorgeous sunset.

748
00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:43.918
Maybe they're eating a pizza.

749
00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:46.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

750
00:30:46.876 --> 00:30:49.959
You look at this, you're like,
"What the fuck? What the fuck?

751
00:30:50.042 --> 00:30:51.167
The fuck is wrong with me?

752
00:30:51.250 --> 00:30:53.209
How come
I'm not doing that shit, huh?

753
00:30:53.292 --> 00:30:54.417
Is there something
wrong with me?

754
00:30:54.500 --> 00:30:56.751
Is there a hole here
that everybody can see?

755
00:30:56.834 --> 00:30:59.250
Do I emanate darkness,
do I repel love?

756
00:30:59.334 --> 00:31:01.542
Is there a limit
to my emotional aptitude?

757
00:31:01.626 --> 00:31:03.626
Did my father's genetics
set that limit?

758
00:31:03.709 --> 00:31:05.334
Do I need to go back
on antidepressants?

759
00:31:05.417 --> 00:31:08.167
What the fuck
is going on inside of me

760
00:31:08.250 --> 00:31:10.042
that's not leading me
to that type of bliss?

761
00:31:10.125 --> 00:31:12.334
What do I have to do
to get there?"

762
00:31:12.417 --> 00:31:14.500
But then you look at Venmo
and it's like,

763
00:31:14.584 --> 00:31:17.375
"Oh, no, dude,
they split that pizza."

764
00:31:17.459 --> 00:31:20.125
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

765
00:31:20.209 --> 00:31:24.042
(APPLAUSE)

766
00:31:31.792 --> 00:31:35.125
-"I'm doing just fine."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

767
00:31:35.209 --> 00:31:36.584
"I don't need medication."

768
00:31:38.542 --> 00:31:40.500
(CHUCKLES)

769
00:31:40.584 --> 00:31:42.083
It's not a referendum
on splitting stuff

770
00:31:42.167 --> 00:31:43.000
in a relationship.

771
00:31:43.083 --> 00:31:44.334
I think
if you're gonna split stuff,

772
00:31:44.417 --> 00:31:46.042
just don't split the items.

773
00:31:46.667 --> 00:31:48.250
Go every other.

774
00:31:48.334 --> 00:31:49.751
Does that make sense?

775
00:31:49.834 --> 00:31:51.584
I'll see that on Venmo.
I go on Venmo, I'll see,

776
00:31:51.667 --> 00:31:53.834
"Boyfriend sends girlfriend
money for tacos."

777
00:31:53.918 --> 00:31:55.918
I'm just, like, how the fuck
do you go down on someone

778
00:31:56.000 --> 00:31:57.709
after you just sent them
eight bucks?

779
00:31:57.792 --> 00:32:00.083
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

780
00:32:05.209 --> 00:32:06.459
(SCOFFS)

781
00:32:08.918 --> 00:32:10.918
"You're just bitter, Drew,
that you have no one

782
00:32:11.000 --> 00:32:12.167
to split stuff with."

783
00:32:12.250 --> 00:32:14.000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

784
00:32:15.709 --> 00:32:16.918
Yeah, I'm single.

785
00:32:17.542 --> 00:32:20.375
I'm 36... and single.

786
00:32:20.459 --> 00:32:22.959
I'm single and 36,
which is fine.

787
00:32:23.042 --> 00:32:26.792
Uh, but it is almost not.

788
00:32:26.876 --> 00:32:29.042
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

789
00:32:30.667 --> 00:32:34.000
Like, it's not bad yet,
but bad is next.

790
00:32:34.083 --> 00:32:36.751
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

791
00:32:37.751 --> 00:32:41.500
Bad is the next stop
on this... train.

792
00:32:47.125 --> 00:32:49.959
A lot of my friends are married.

793
00:32:50.042 --> 00:32:51.292
And it's cool to see.

794
00:32:51.375 --> 00:32:52.959
A lot of them are in, like,
really great relationships,

795
00:32:53.042 --> 00:32:54.876
really healthy, good,
loving relationships.

796
00:32:54.959 --> 00:32:55.959
And it's really amazing to see.

797
00:32:56.042 --> 00:32:57.751
I go to their weddings,
I really enjoy it.

798
00:32:57.834 --> 00:33:00.375
Seeing them come together,
it's a beautiful thing.

799
00:33:00.459 --> 00:33:03.292
And I hear a lot
of the same things in the vows.

800
00:33:03.375 --> 00:33:04.834
There's a common refrain
in the vows,

801
00:33:04.918 --> 00:33:06.334
which is something about,
like, you know,

802
00:33:06.417 --> 00:33:08.584
"I get to marry my best friend."

803
00:33:08.667 --> 00:33:11.500
"I'm so lucky to have found
my best friend."

804
00:33:11.584 --> 00:33:13.667
"I never thought I would spend
the rest of my life

805
00:33:13.751 --> 00:33:15.042
with my best friend."

806
00:33:16.042 --> 00:33:17.042
And I hear that, I'm like,

807
00:33:17.125 --> 00:33:18.876
"That's such
a beautiful sentiment."

808
00:33:18.959 --> 00:33:22.334
Like, the person
you marry should feel...

809
00:33:23.167 --> 00:33:24.918
like your best friend.

810
00:33:26.751 --> 00:33:28.918
I'm in the back,
I'm like, "Well, I'm 36,

811
00:33:29.000 --> 00:33:31.959
so who the fuck
meets their best friend

812
00:33:32.042 --> 00:33:34.000
in their late thirties?"

813
00:33:34.083 --> 00:33:35.250
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

814
00:33:35.334 --> 00:33:37.292
Who's out there like,
"This is my best friend!

815
00:33:37.375 --> 00:33:38.918
We met when were 38!"

816
00:33:39.000 --> 00:33:41.209
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

817
00:33:42.042 --> 00:33:43.292
"Tell him, Doug!"

818
00:33:43.375 --> 00:33:45.959
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

819
00:33:48.542 --> 00:33:50.709
No, it doesn't happen.

820
00:33:50.792 --> 00:33:53.542
They're all having kids, too,
starting families.

821
00:33:53.626 --> 00:33:56.876
My friends starting families,
it's beautiful to see.

822
00:33:56.959 --> 00:33:59.125
I don't have my own family.

823
00:33:59.209 --> 00:34:01.918
I have, like, a family
from which I've come.

824
00:34:02.000 --> 00:34:03.042
I don't have...

825
00:34:03.125 --> 00:34:05.459
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-...the next line on that.

826
00:34:05.542 --> 00:34:08.292
Like on a family tree,
I'm just a node that ends.

827
00:34:08.375 --> 00:34:10.417
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

828
00:34:10.500 --> 00:34:11.667
It's just like, "Who's that?"

829
00:34:11.751 --> 00:34:13.959
"That's your great Uncle Drew,
nobody loved him."

830
00:34:14.042 --> 00:34:15.459
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

831
00:34:15.542 --> 00:34:16.918
Just a leaf on a twig.

832
00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:18.876
Just a Styrofoam ball
with no toothpicks,

833
00:34:18.959 --> 00:34:20.751
if we're using
school project lingo.

834
00:34:20.834 --> 00:34:22.751
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

835
00:34:26.250 --> 00:34:27.709
"Oh, cool,
you got me a PlayStation

836
00:34:27.792 --> 00:34:29.709
for my birthday.
I love you, Dad."

837
00:34:31.334 --> 00:34:33.500
I just beat God of War
for the fourth time.

838
00:34:33.584 --> 00:34:35.125
(AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING)

839
00:34:37.459 --> 00:34:40.375
-It's a good game.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

840
00:34:40.459 --> 00:34:44.834
It's not
"hugging my smiling child" good.

841
00:34:44.918 --> 00:34:47.626
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

842
00:34:48.751 --> 00:34:50.834
But the gameplay mechanics
are pretty tight.

843
00:34:50.918 --> 00:34:53.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

844
00:34:58.375 --> 00:35:01.334
I think part of the reason
I don't... have a family,

845
00:35:01.417 --> 00:35:02.876
well, at least
what I used to tell myself,

846
00:35:02.959 --> 00:35:04.125
is that I do this.

847
00:35:04.209 --> 00:35:06.876
It's something that I chose.
I chose a different path.

848
00:35:06.959 --> 00:35:10.083
I remember I started doing
stand-up when I was 22.

849
00:35:10.167 --> 00:35:13.542
I dropped out of school, and...

850
00:35:13.626 --> 00:35:14.959
at the time,
my mother warned me.

851
00:35:15.042 --> 00:35:16.375
She said, "You know,
it's not very stable.

852
00:35:16.459 --> 00:35:18.459
You're gonna be living
hand-to-mouth, traveling a lot.

853
00:35:18.542 --> 00:35:20.626
You're not gonna be able
to settle down."

854
00:35:20.709 --> 00:35:22.542
And she was right to an extent.

855
00:35:22.626 --> 00:35:24.292
But the problem was,
she was telling this

856
00:35:24.375 --> 00:35:26.709
to a 22-year-old dude.

857
00:35:26.792 --> 00:35:30.626
Like the least likely candidate
on Earth to settle down.

858
00:35:32.125 --> 00:35:33.834
I don't know if you know
any 22-year-old dudes,

859
00:35:33.918 --> 00:35:35.584
but they're
not technically people.

860
00:35:35.667 --> 00:35:37.542
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

861
00:35:38.584 --> 00:35:40.459
Just unprocessed pain and skin.

862
00:35:40.542 --> 00:35:43.500
Like, that's pretty much
the identity there.

863
00:35:44.334 --> 00:35:45.626
So, 22, I'm hearing this,

864
00:35:45.709 --> 00:35:48.334
I'm like, "Settle down?
What are you, a hundred?

865
00:35:49.083 --> 00:35:50.334
I don't give a fuck.

866
00:35:51.584 --> 00:35:53.542
I'm going on the road, Mom.

867
00:35:54.334 --> 00:35:56.751
I'ma follow my dreams!

868
00:35:56.834 --> 00:35:59.083
Nobody is gonna stop me!"

869
00:36:00.667 --> 00:36:02.709
That was my attitude.
Now I'm 36.

870
00:36:02.792 --> 00:36:04.959
Now I see the punchline.
Now it's like...

871
00:36:05.042 --> 00:36:11.375
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

872
00:36:14.292 --> 00:36:17.626
"Nobody is going
to hug me as I die."

873
00:36:17.709 --> 00:36:19.209
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

874
00:36:19.292 --> 00:36:21.834
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

875
00:36:21.918 --> 00:36:23.125
Is that funny? I don't know.

876
00:36:23.209 --> 00:36:26.417
I structured it as a joke.
Does that make it funny?

877
00:36:26.500 --> 00:36:29.083
I don't know. Does comedy have
the ability to transform

878
00:36:29.167 --> 00:36:31.042
the emotional constitution
of reality,

879
00:36:31.125 --> 00:36:34.709
or is it just adding a layer
to an unfortunate event?

880
00:36:34.792 --> 00:36:37.459
I don't know how the physics
of comedy work.

881
00:36:41.209 --> 00:36:44.000
I used to tell myself that
it was a sacrifice I was making.

882
00:36:44.083 --> 00:36:47.083
I was leaving that on the side
to pursue this.

883
00:36:47.918 --> 00:36:48.834
And I used to look--

884
00:36:48.918 --> 00:36:50.751
It was very easy
to make that argument,

885
00:36:50.834 --> 00:36:53.584
'cause I used to look around
and there were a lot of men

886
00:36:53.667 --> 00:36:57.000
who accomplished things
that I considered to be great,

887
00:36:57.083 --> 00:36:59.959
whose personal life was
kind of left by the wayside.

888
00:37:00.042 --> 00:37:02.459
And so it seemed to me
as a necessary component.

889
00:37:02.542 --> 00:37:05.459
I remember in high school
I learned about Isaac Newton.

890
00:37:05.542 --> 00:37:08.792
And Isaac Newton
invented calculus.

891
00:37:10.209 --> 00:37:11.876
He also died a virgin.

892
00:37:11.959 --> 00:37:14.918
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

893
00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:17.542
Which begs the question,
can you invent calculus

894
00:37:17.626 --> 00:37:18.876
while fucking people?

895
00:37:18.959 --> 00:37:21.626
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

896
00:37:22.500 --> 00:37:23.500
I don't know.

897
00:37:25.083 --> 00:37:26.375
It's never been done.

898
00:37:26.459 --> 00:37:29.000
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

899
00:37:38.042 --> 00:37:40.209
A more modern example,
Steve Jobs.

900
00:37:40.292 --> 00:37:43.125
Steve Jobs was
an incredible innovator...

901
00:37:43.751 --> 00:37:45.876
uh, terrible father...

902
00:37:45.959 --> 00:37:47.584
right, which we know,
it's documented,

903
00:37:47.667 --> 00:37:49.042
but we also just knew.

904
00:37:49.125 --> 00:37:51.459
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

905
00:37:52.709 --> 00:37:53.667
We knew.

906
00:37:53.751 --> 00:37:55.125
Every time we'd go
into our pocket,

907
00:37:55.209 --> 00:37:56.375
if Steve Jobs were a good dad,

908
00:37:56.459 --> 00:37:59.292
we'd pull out a Samsung
or a Motorola.

909
00:37:59.375 --> 00:38:00.834
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

910
00:38:00.918 --> 00:38:02.792
Every time you text someone
and it shows up blue,

911
00:38:02.876 --> 00:38:05.542
that's Steve Jobs not going
to a piano recital

912
00:38:05.626 --> 00:38:09.667
-or a softball game.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

913
00:38:09.751 --> 00:38:11.626
And I don't think
we have the right to judge him.

914
00:38:11.709 --> 00:38:14.209
Like, we are all glad he did it.
Like, we encouraged that.

915
00:38:14.292 --> 00:38:16.417
As a society,
we would all rather

916
00:38:16.500 --> 00:38:18.876
one girl grow up
with a shitty dad

917
00:38:18.959 --> 00:38:21.292
than have to all of us
use Windows.

918
00:38:21.375 --> 00:38:23.334
Are you out of
your fucking mind?

919
00:38:23.417 --> 00:38:25.250
You want us all
to click a Start button

920
00:38:25.334 --> 00:38:27.042
and run clunky .exe files

921
00:38:27.125 --> 00:38:28.709
just so one girl
can open her gifts

922
00:38:28.792 --> 00:38:30.500
next to the guy
who paid for them?

923
00:38:30.584 --> 00:38:32.626
Fuck that! She can get them
from a nanny

924
00:38:32.709 --> 00:38:34.375
while the rest of us
enjoy our...

925
00:38:34.459 --> 00:38:37.292
technological ecosystem
seamlessly integrated.

926
00:38:37.375 --> 00:38:38.876
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

927
00:38:38.959 --> 00:38:41.542
That's what we encourage.
We encourage it.

928
00:38:41.626 --> 00:38:43.584
True happiness
has no societal value.

929
00:38:43.667 --> 00:38:45.792
We want productivity.

930
00:38:45.876 --> 00:38:49.584
Give us... Make something
or shut up! Like, we don't care.

931
00:38:49.667 --> 00:38:52.334
So there's this incentive
to do it.

932
00:38:52.417 --> 00:38:55.250
And it gets even more fucked up.
Someone like Michael Jackson,

933
00:38:55.334 --> 00:38:59.667
who was this incredible popstar
and a horrendous babysitter,

934
00:38:59.751 --> 00:39:00.918
you know,
where it's just like...

935
00:39:01.000 --> 00:39:02.125
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

936
00:39:02.209 --> 00:39:04.375
Yeah, it's an easy one,
but it's fun. It's fun, though.

937
00:39:04.459 --> 00:39:06.209
It's so easy, but it's so fun.

938
00:39:06.292 --> 00:39:09.125
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

939
00:39:09.209 --> 00:39:10.334
No, but even that, like

940
00:39:10.417 --> 00:39:12.334
there's such an instinct
to defend these guys.

941
00:39:12.417 --> 00:39:13.834
Like my first instinct is
to be like--

942
00:39:13.918 --> 00:39:16.500
see it from their side,
because I think we're such...

943
00:39:16.584 --> 00:39:19.125
we're conditioned to like them
on that level.

944
00:39:19.209 --> 00:39:20.417
So even with Michael,
I was like--

945
00:39:20.500 --> 00:39:21.667
you know,
there was a part of me--

946
00:39:21.751 --> 00:39:23.000
I watched that documentary
about him,

947
00:39:23.083 --> 00:39:24.626
I was like,
"Oh, that's fucked up."

948
00:39:24.709 --> 00:39:26.125
But there was a part of me
that was like,

949
00:39:26.209 --> 00:39:27.918
"Yeah, but if not
an eight-year-old boy,

950
00:39:28.000 --> 00:39:30.792
who was Michael Jackson
supposed to date?"

951
00:39:30.876 --> 00:39:33.834
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

952
00:39:33.918 --> 00:39:35.500
You know what I mean?
What is he looking at,

953
00:39:35.584 --> 00:39:38.250
options-wise,
that makes any sense at all?

954
00:39:38.334 --> 00:39:40.042
Somebody his age? He did that.

955
00:39:40.125 --> 00:39:42.459
He was married
to Lisa Marie Presley,

956
00:39:42.542 --> 00:39:47.417
a grown woman,
and that was weirder somehow.

957
00:39:47.500 --> 00:39:50.125
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

958
00:39:50.209 --> 00:39:52.500
That was weirder.
They made out on television.

959
00:39:52.584 --> 00:39:54.459
It was fucking weird.

960
00:39:54.542 --> 00:39:55.959
There was like
an awards show presentation

961
00:39:56.042 --> 00:39:57.626
and at the end,
they like did this kiss,

962
00:39:57.709 --> 00:39:59.209
it was just awful.
Like, "Oh!"

963
00:39:59.292 --> 00:40:01.459
The whole world
was just like, "Oh, my God."

964
00:40:01.542 --> 00:40:02.542
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

965
00:40:02.626 --> 00:40:05.250
"Jesus, will somebody
get this guy a kid?"

966
00:40:05.334 --> 00:40:09.375
-Like, "This is horrible."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

967
00:40:09.459 --> 00:40:11.083
Because Michael Jackson
with a kid,

968
00:40:11.167 --> 00:40:13.542
it upsets us morally,
but it looks right.

969
00:40:13.626 --> 00:40:16.000
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

970
00:40:18.334 --> 00:40:19.500
Michael can't date an adult.

971
00:40:19.584 --> 00:40:21.417
You wouldn't set
your friend up with him.

972
00:40:21.500 --> 00:40:23.626
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

973
00:40:23.709 --> 00:40:25.167
Who's he supposed to...
What is he gonna do,

974
00:40:25.250 --> 00:40:26.292
go on like a blind date

975
00:40:26.375 --> 00:40:28.751
with a 35-year-old
software developer?

976
00:40:30.042 --> 00:40:32.209
How's that gonna go? "Hey,
nice to meet you, Michael."

977
00:40:32.292 --> 00:40:35.459
He's like, "You wanna play tag?
You're it." Like, come on.

978
00:40:35.542 --> 00:40:36.626
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

979
00:40:36.709 --> 00:40:37.751
"Where are your..."

980
00:40:38.667 --> 00:40:40.542
"Tag?
I thought we'd go to dinner."

981
00:40:40.626 --> 00:40:41.834
"Dinner's for dumb-dumbs.

982
00:40:41.918 --> 00:40:44.125
We can eat candy at my house
and stay up as late as we want.

983
00:40:44.209 --> 00:40:45.083
Tee-hee!"

984
00:40:45.167 --> 00:40:47.667
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

985
00:40:50.042 --> 00:40:51.292
Michael can't date an adult.

986
00:40:51.375 --> 00:40:53.918
I don't even know what kind
of adult would be into Michael.

987
00:40:55.459 --> 00:40:58.709
Like you wanna...
you wanna fuck him?

988
00:40:58.792 --> 00:41:00.626
Listen to him sure,
but, like, you wanna...

989
00:41:00.709 --> 00:41:02.918
(IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON)
You wanna fuck that guy?

990
00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:05.500
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-You wanna fuck him?

991
00:41:05.584 --> 00:41:08.334
"Here, doo-doo head."
You're gonna fuck him?

992
00:41:09.417 --> 00:41:10.709
Dude, if you're an adult

993
00:41:10.792 --> 00:41:13.417
and you wanna fuck
Michael Jackson...

994
00:41:14.292 --> 00:41:15.667
you're a pedophile.

995
00:41:15.751 --> 00:41:19.584
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

996
00:41:26.834 --> 00:41:28.709
But you look at all these guys,
you know,

997
00:41:28.792 --> 00:41:30.834
Michael Jackson, Isaac Newton,
Steve Jobs,

998
00:41:30.918 --> 00:41:33.626
they were adored by the world

999
00:41:33.709 --> 00:41:35.751
but hated by the people
closest to them.

1000
00:41:40.751 --> 00:41:42.584
And I would imagine
that you'd tell yourself

1001
00:41:42.667 --> 00:41:44.125
that that's a sacrifice...

1002
00:41:45.792 --> 00:41:48.209
that you make, but...

1003
00:41:48.292 --> 00:41:50.334
as I get older,
I look at it differently.

1004
00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:54.083
I don't know if I look at it
as a sacrifice anymore.

1005
00:41:54.167 --> 00:41:55.334
Maybe-- maybe not.

1006
00:41:56.667 --> 00:41:57.792
Maybe...

1007
00:42:00.417 --> 00:42:02.459
they just ran
from responsibility

1008
00:42:02.542 --> 00:42:04.876
into the arms of ambition.

1009
00:42:04.959 --> 00:42:06.834
You know,
maybe Apple and Pixar...

1010
00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:10.542
are just built off the back
of one man's inability

1011
00:42:10.626 --> 00:42:13.209
to be intimate
with the people closest to him.

1012
00:42:14.500 --> 00:42:15.709
Or with himself.

1013
00:42:17.417 --> 00:42:19.709
And so it recasts my own path,

1014
00:42:19.792 --> 00:42:22.000
where I'm like,
maybe this isn't a sacrifice.

1015
00:42:23.417 --> 00:42:25.167
I'm not comparing myself to...

1016
00:42:26.292 --> 00:42:28.083
Steve Jobs and...

1017
00:42:28.167 --> 00:42:30.918
Isaac Newton, you know.
It's a matter of scale.

1018
00:42:31.000 --> 00:42:33.792
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1019
00:42:33.876 --> 00:42:35.209
But even in the comedy world,

1020
00:42:35.292 --> 00:42:37.459
even the people
that I looked up to...

1021
00:42:37.542 --> 00:42:39.792
When I started, all the people
that I looked up to,

1022
00:42:39.876 --> 00:42:42.667
they're all either, like,
prematurely dead,

1023
00:42:42.751 --> 00:42:45.417
utterly miserable, or, like,
sex criminals.

1024
00:42:45.500 --> 00:42:48.292
So... where is this headed?

1025
00:42:48.375 --> 00:42:51.083
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1026
00:42:52.083 --> 00:42:53.751
Where is this path going?

1027
00:42:57.667 --> 00:43:00.209
Their greatness is predicated
on their accomplishments,

1028
00:43:00.292 --> 00:43:02.250
but we fail to recognize
how they failed

1029
00:43:02.334 --> 00:43:03.459
in their private moments.

1030
00:43:03.542 --> 00:43:07.042
And I think that's a masculine
definition of greatness.

1031
00:43:07.125 --> 00:43:09.709
Because, like, I don't look
at that as great anymore

1032
00:43:09.792 --> 00:43:12.667
because they couldn't confront
who they were as a person.

1033
00:43:12.751 --> 00:43:14.918
They couldn't confront
the emotional reality

1034
00:43:15.000 --> 00:43:16.000
of their experience.

1035
00:43:16.083 --> 00:43:18.292
That is greatness to me.
To do that,

1036
00:43:18.375 --> 00:43:21.209
that is a much greater thing.

1037
00:43:21.292 --> 00:43:24.959
How great can something be
if it's built on avoidance?

1038
00:43:28.250 --> 00:43:29.918
I think you have to...

1039
00:43:33.209 --> 00:43:34.250
confront.

1040
00:43:35.125 --> 00:43:36.167
And it's scary.

1041
00:43:36.250 --> 00:43:38.375
It's a scary fucking thing
to do. Like, I get it.

1042
00:43:38.459 --> 00:43:41.167
It's like totally scary
for a lot of reasons.

1043
00:43:41.250 --> 00:43:43.209
One, you can find out
that the story you've been

1044
00:43:43.292 --> 00:43:45.459
telling yourself about yourself
isn't true.

1045
00:43:45.542 --> 00:43:47.334
You can find out that
what you thought was like

1046
00:43:47.417 --> 00:43:50.292
the harsh, brutal reality
of yourself,

1047
00:43:50.375 --> 00:43:52.751
you're just resting
on an easier narrative

1048
00:43:52.834 --> 00:43:55.042
that could be subverted
by something else.

1049
00:43:55.125 --> 00:43:57.542
Like I used to tell
myself stories about myself

1050
00:43:57.626 --> 00:43:59.042
that have shifted over time.

1051
00:43:59.125 --> 00:44:00.876
I used to tell myself
this was a sacrifice.

1052
00:44:00.959 --> 00:44:03.000
I used to tell myself
that what I was doing up here

1053
00:44:03.083 --> 00:44:05.542
was important,
that it was fearless.

1054
00:44:05.626 --> 00:44:06.918
That I was fearless
for doing this.

1055
00:44:07.000 --> 00:44:09.751
I had the balls to say shit
that nobody else did.

1056
00:44:09.834 --> 00:44:11.334
Things like
that Michael Jackson joke,

1057
00:44:11.417 --> 00:44:13.167
I'd be like, "That's fearless.

1058
00:44:13.250 --> 00:44:15.459
That's a fearless fucking thing.
You can get mad at me.

1059
00:44:15.542 --> 00:44:18.334
That's fearless.
I'm willing to stand that down."

1060
00:44:18.417 --> 00:44:20.000
But as I get older, I'm like,
"That's not...

1061
00:44:20.083 --> 00:44:22.334
I think it's funny,
but it's not fearless."

1062
00:44:22.417 --> 00:44:25.459
Because my emotional experience
is nowhere in there.

1063
00:44:26.375 --> 00:44:27.918
I'm nowhere in that joke.

1064
00:44:29.292 --> 00:44:30.751
I wasn't molested,

1065
00:44:31.792 --> 00:44:33.167
and I'm not a pedophile.

1066
00:44:33.250 --> 00:44:35.042
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1067
00:44:36.375 --> 00:44:37.834
That would be fearless.

1068
00:44:37.918 --> 00:44:40.876
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1069
00:44:43.000 --> 00:44:44.876
The most fearless pedophile joke
you could tell

1070
00:44:44.959 --> 00:44:47.209
is to be one
and admit it publicly.

1071
00:44:47.292 --> 00:44:48.959
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1072
00:44:50.792 --> 00:44:53.000
No, worst-case scenario,
worst-case scenario,

1073
00:44:53.083 --> 00:44:55.667
the joke bombs
and you don't like it.

1074
00:44:55.751 --> 00:44:59.125
You look at me, arms folded,
shaking your head and say, "No."

1075
00:44:59.209 --> 00:45:01.209
Fortunately, that didn't happen
this evening,

1076
00:45:01.292 --> 00:45:03.417
but it has happened.

1077
00:45:03.500 --> 00:45:05.334
It could happen.
You can get mad.

1078
00:45:05.417 --> 00:45:08.959
You could think I suck.
You could not like me.

1079
00:45:11.584 --> 00:45:13.584
But, counterpoint...

1080
00:45:15.083 --> 00:45:16.459
who are you?

1081
00:45:16.542 --> 00:45:19.876
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1082
00:45:22.209 --> 00:45:25.125
I can barely see any of you,
and I love none of you.

1083
00:45:25.209 --> 00:45:28.834
So what is this power...
that you hold over me?

1084
00:45:29.709 --> 00:45:31.167
You're not me.

1085
00:45:32.709 --> 00:45:35.000
We are always
our most terrifying audience.

1086
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:37.751
I believe that.

1087
00:45:37.834 --> 00:45:39.334
That's why it's so funny
when people say

1088
00:45:39.417 --> 00:45:40.959
that, like, public speaking

1089
00:45:41.042 --> 00:45:42.584
is the number one fear
of people.

1090
00:45:42.667 --> 00:45:43.959
They say, you hear that,
"Public speaking

1091
00:45:44.042 --> 00:45:45.209
is the number one fear
of people."

1092
00:45:45.292 --> 00:45:46.375
It's like, "Well, I'm sorry,

1093
00:45:46.459 --> 00:45:48.542
was confronting yourself
on an emotional level

1094
00:45:48.626 --> 00:45:50.584
not on that questionnaire?"

1095
00:45:50.667 --> 00:45:52.417
The fuck you talking about,
public speaking?

1096
00:45:52.500 --> 00:45:54.375
I'm public speaking right now.

1097
00:45:55.584 --> 00:45:56.918
It's fine.

1098
00:45:57.000 --> 00:45:58.834
I'm public speaking as a way

1099
00:45:58.918 --> 00:46:02.459
to avoid confronting myself
on an emotional level.

1100
00:46:02.542 --> 00:46:04.375
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

1101
00:46:04.459 --> 00:46:06.000
This is all.

1102
00:46:06.083 --> 00:46:07.751
Like, up here it's, like,
"Dopamine!"

1103
00:46:07.834 --> 00:46:11.042
And if I were at home,
it'd be like... (SCREECHES)

1104
00:46:11.918 --> 00:46:13.584
(SCREECHES)

1105
00:46:15.792 --> 00:46:17.500
I have used this
to avoid so many--

1106
00:46:17.584 --> 00:46:19.459
I can't tell you how many
relationships I've been in

1107
00:46:19.542 --> 00:46:21.417
where I've been like,
"Oh, sorry, I can't hang out
with you tonight.

1108
00:46:21.500 --> 00:46:23.709
I have to go do a show."
Or more specifically,

1109
00:46:23.792 --> 00:46:25.959
"Sorry, I can't be there
on your birthday.

1110
00:46:26.042 --> 00:46:27.334
I need to go do this bit

1111
00:46:27.417 --> 00:46:29.667
about how all my relationships
fall apart."

1112
00:46:29.751 --> 00:46:32.083
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1113
00:46:32.167 --> 00:46:34.584
It's like just,
"Do I need any of this?"

1114
00:46:37.626 --> 00:46:40.083
And I think as men,
we have this tendency

1115
00:46:40.167 --> 00:46:42.626
to wanna process everything
in our lives through,

1116
00:46:42.709 --> 00:46:46.584
you know, intellect, or logic,
or our thoughts, or our reason,

1117
00:46:46.667 --> 00:46:48.459
things that we do,
things that are tactile,

1118
00:46:48.542 --> 00:46:50.042
and it's like...

1119
00:46:50.125 --> 00:46:53.042
you're ignoring the entire
emotional subset

1120
00:46:53.125 --> 00:46:54.375
of your experience.

1121
00:46:54.459 --> 00:46:56.959
And this idea that logic
and emotions are separate,

1122
00:46:57.042 --> 00:46:58.125
they're not.

1123
00:46:58.209 --> 00:47:00.334
Like your thoughts are
not separate from how you feel.

1124
00:47:00.417 --> 00:47:01.375
Your thoughts...

1125
00:47:01.459 --> 00:47:03.834
Thoughts are just emotions
in drag.

1126
00:47:03.918 --> 00:47:07.500
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1127
00:47:07.584 --> 00:47:09.209
It's the same ecosystem.

1128
00:47:13.209 --> 00:47:14.918
It's hard to dive in...

1129
00:47:15.667 --> 00:47:16.667
like that.

1130
00:47:18.167 --> 00:47:20.459
Therapy's a good way to do it.

1131
00:47:20.542 --> 00:47:22.626
I think people--
a lot of people need...

1132
00:47:23.584 --> 00:47:26.083
They're men-- all men.

1133
00:47:26.167 --> 00:47:27.959
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1134
00:47:28.042 --> 00:47:29.584
Yeah,
I'm comfortable saying that.

1135
00:47:29.667 --> 00:47:32.125
All men need to go

1136
00:47:32.209 --> 00:47:33.584
to therapy for...

1137
00:47:34.876 --> 00:47:36.375
20 years. Like...

1138
00:47:36.459 --> 00:47:39.375
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING)

1139
00:47:39.459 --> 00:47:40.459
Roughly.

1140
00:47:41.792 --> 00:47:43.709
(CHUCKLES)
Sometimes guys get mad.

1141
00:47:43.792 --> 00:47:46.209
They're like, "Fuck you, I don't
need shit, you pandering pussy."

1142
00:47:46.292 --> 00:47:48.751
It's like, "Hey. You do."

1143
00:47:48.834 --> 00:47:50.292
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

1144
00:47:50.375 --> 00:47:51.459
"What was that?"

1145
00:47:51.542 --> 00:47:53.167
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1146
00:47:56.709 --> 00:47:58.209
Women need therapy too.

1147
00:48:01.209 --> 00:48:03.042
But usually when a woman
goes to therapy,

1148
00:48:03.125 --> 00:48:05.584
it's because
a man in her life didn't.

1149
00:48:05.667 --> 00:48:10.792
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

1150
00:48:12.792 --> 00:48:16.167
I started going
four times a week.

1151
00:48:16.250 --> 00:48:19.542
It's a program, it's called
psychoanalysis, and it's, uh...

1152
00:48:20.292 --> 00:48:21.500
The reason you go so often

1153
00:48:21.584 --> 00:48:23.375
is so that you don't have time
to close up.

1154
00:48:23.459 --> 00:48:26.167
Like, if you go once a week,
you have all week
to just close back up,

1155
00:48:26.250 --> 00:48:27.918
so you stay open
throughout the week

1156
00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:29.250
so you can access
parts of yourself

1157
00:48:29.334 --> 00:48:31.959
that are much harder
to access normally.

1158
00:48:32.042 --> 00:48:34.042
And so it's very emotional.
It's very exhausting.

1159
00:48:34.125 --> 00:48:37.292
It's very trying. I cry a lot.

1160
00:48:37.375 --> 00:48:42.834
I sob-- The other day, I sobbed
for, like, 20 minutes straight.

1161
00:48:42.918 --> 00:48:45.375
And this is how fucked up I am.
As soon as I collected myself,

1162
00:48:45.459 --> 00:48:46.667
my first thought was,

1163
00:48:46.751 --> 00:48:48.792
"That shouldn't count
toward my time."

1164
00:48:48.876 --> 00:48:52.584
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1165
00:48:54.918 --> 00:48:57.000
But that's me trying to get out
of that moment.

1166
00:48:57.083 --> 00:48:59.792
Like that moment was
hard to swallow, and so...

1167
00:49:02.375 --> 00:49:04.834
joke, out, now we're out of it.

1168
00:49:04.918 --> 00:49:06.876
But I don't think
that's how progress gets made.

1169
00:49:06.959 --> 00:49:08.250
I think
if you wanna make progress,

1170
00:49:08.334 --> 00:49:10.042
you can't take that left turn
at a punchline.

1171
00:49:10.125 --> 00:49:11.292
You have to go...

1172
00:49:11.375 --> 00:49:13.709
You have to sit there
and process it there.

1173
00:49:13.792 --> 00:49:15.542
You have to go down.
You have to take that

1174
00:49:15.626 --> 00:49:19.334
Miss Frizzle Magic School Bus
all the way.

1175
00:49:19.417 --> 00:49:21.626
"We're going
to your emotional core!"

1176
00:49:21.709 --> 00:49:23.000
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1177
00:49:23.083 --> 00:49:25.209
"Look out your left window.
Is that Mom going on a date

1178
00:49:25.292 --> 00:49:27.542
instead of hanging out with you?
Yes, it is."

1179
00:49:27.626 --> 00:49:32.375
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
-"Process it! Feel it!"

1180
00:49:34.626 --> 00:49:37.542
You have to stay there,
and leave it there.

1181
00:49:37.626 --> 00:49:39.500
You can't buy yourself
out of the moment.

1182
00:49:39.584 --> 00:49:41.834
Otherwise, the progress
won't get made.

1183
00:49:41.918 --> 00:49:43.375
It's very hard to do.

1184
00:49:47.417 --> 00:49:51.959
And I'm up here and I, like,
I want to bring you in.

1185
00:49:52.876 --> 00:49:54.209
Like, that's where
this is going.

1186
00:49:54.292 --> 00:49:55.542
Like I want--
That's the next step,

1187
00:49:55.626 --> 00:49:59.042
is I want to bring you all
to that place.

1188
00:49:59.125 --> 00:50:00.959
But it's hard
because, like, I don't know

1189
00:50:01.042 --> 00:50:02.667
if there's a show down there.

1190
00:50:06.500 --> 00:50:09.918
But I wanna bring you in,
but I feel conflicted.

1191
00:50:10.000 --> 00:50:12.375
I feel like I can't--
I have to like...

1192
00:50:12.459 --> 00:50:13.709
I feel like
that's how this works,

1193
00:50:13.792 --> 00:50:16.042
is I go in, I mine my own life
for sadness,

1194
00:50:16.125 --> 00:50:18.417
and then I contort it
into a balloon animal for you

1195
00:50:18.500 --> 00:50:20.083
so you don't feel ripped off.

1196
00:50:20.167 --> 00:50:22.584
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1197
00:50:27.792 --> 00:50:28.876
I tried...

1198
00:50:30.209 --> 00:50:31.500
to do that. I wrote...

1199
00:50:33.626 --> 00:50:34.876
I wrote a joke...

1200
00:50:37.876 --> 00:50:39.250
that tries to do that.

1201
00:50:56.459 --> 00:50:58.959
-Why did the chicken...
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

1202
00:50:59.042 --> 00:51:00.417
...cross the road?

1203
00:51:01.751 --> 00:51:03.000
AUDIENCE: Why?

1204
00:51:05.375 --> 00:51:06.626
Because...

1205
00:51:08.250 --> 00:51:09.334
he grew up...

1206
00:51:10.250 --> 00:51:12.959
with an untreated
hearing loss...

1207
00:51:13.042 --> 00:51:16.417
which deprived him
of a major sensory connection

1208
00:51:16.500 --> 00:51:19.209
to the people around him,
and it isolated him

1209
00:51:19.292 --> 00:51:21.792
to the point of chronic torture.
And his parents

1210
00:51:21.876 --> 00:51:25.167
were too caught up in their
own drama and insecurities

1211
00:51:25.250 --> 00:51:27.209
to attend to it,
so he processed it

1212
00:51:27.292 --> 00:51:29.751
as though there was something
inherently wrong with him.

1213
00:51:29.834 --> 00:51:32.000
And his feelings are a threat
to his relationships,

1214
00:51:32.083 --> 00:51:33.584
so he just suffered in silence,

1215
00:51:33.667 --> 00:51:36.000
feeling like he was
100 feet underwater,

1216
00:51:36.083 --> 00:51:38.250
wondering why nobody
was coming to save him.

1217
00:51:38.334 --> 00:51:40.459
And then, he finally started
wearing hearing aids,

1218
00:51:40.542 --> 00:51:42.042
which created
this insane sensation

1219
00:51:42.125 --> 00:51:43.626
of being able
to participate in a world

1220
00:51:43.709 --> 00:51:45.083
that he didn't understand.

1221
00:51:45.167 --> 00:51:47.083
But because his self-worth
was predicated

1222
00:51:47.167 --> 00:51:48.250
on how special he felt,

1223
00:51:48.334 --> 00:51:50.083
he realized
that the trodden path

1224
00:51:50.167 --> 00:51:51.250
didn't appeal to him.

1225
00:51:51.334 --> 00:51:53.250
So he would get high
and watch stand-up comedy

1226
00:51:53.334 --> 00:51:55.626
as a way to numb the agony
of how lost he felt.

1227
00:51:55.709 --> 00:51:57.459
And in doing so,
he found a lot of connection

1228
00:51:57.542 --> 00:51:59.834
with their points of view,
and he thought, "Wow,

1229
00:51:59.918 --> 00:52:02.834
if I could do that, people
could connect to me like that."

1230
00:52:02.918 --> 00:52:04.584
So he decided
to drop out of school

1231
00:52:04.667 --> 00:52:05.792
and pursue stand-up comedy,

1232
00:52:05.876 --> 00:52:07.918
and doing comedy made him
feel better for a moment,

1233
00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:10.292
but it never forced him
to address any of the reasons

1234
00:52:10.375 --> 00:52:11.876
he actually felt like shit.

1235
00:52:11.959 --> 00:52:14.667
He so badly wanted
to feel special and powerful

1236
00:52:14.751 --> 00:52:16.209
to make up for
how worthless he felt,

1237
00:52:16.292 --> 00:52:18.209
so he would say all sorts
of fucked-up things,

1238
00:52:18.292 --> 00:52:21.000
onstage and off,
as a way to separate himself.

1239
00:52:21.083 --> 00:52:22.417
And a lot of it he stands by,

1240
00:52:22.500 --> 00:52:24.125
but there are
a lot of things he said

1241
00:52:24.209 --> 00:52:25.584
that were flagrant
and unnecessary

1242
00:52:25.667 --> 00:52:26.792
and hurtful and racist

1243
00:52:26.876 --> 00:52:29.584
and sexist and homophobic,
all of which he justified

1244
00:52:29.667 --> 00:52:31.584
under the guise of
pushing the envelope,

1245
00:52:31.667 --> 00:52:33.918
which he thought was an act
of justified rebellion

1246
00:52:34.000 --> 00:52:35.626
against some
arbitrary authority.

1247
00:52:35.709 --> 00:52:38.042
But too late, he learned
that a lot of those boundaries

1248
00:52:38.125 --> 00:52:41.042
are derived from real people's
feelings and experiences

1249
00:52:41.125 --> 00:52:43.292
and he was essentially
exploiting their actual pain

1250
00:52:43.375 --> 00:52:46.000
and using it as a traffic cone
to satisfy this story

1251
00:52:46.083 --> 00:52:48.167
he was telling himself
where he was a genius.

1252
00:52:48.250 --> 00:52:49.626
And just because people laugh
at something

1253
00:52:49.709 --> 00:52:51.292
doesn't inherently
make it good.

1254
00:52:51.375 --> 00:52:53.375
They could be just as
emotionally immature

1255
00:52:53.459 --> 00:52:55.125
or ignorant as
the perspective in the joke,

1256
00:52:55.209 --> 00:52:57.626
or they could be responding
to joke structure and timing

1257
00:52:57.709 --> 00:52:59.250
more than content.

1258
00:52:59.334 --> 00:53:00.584
And then, one day...

1259
00:53:00.667 --> 00:53:01.834
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

1260
00:53:01.918 --> 00:53:04.167
...all the world's stages
boarded up, so he sat alone

1261
00:53:04.250 --> 00:53:05.959
in a room for a year,
and he did nothing

1262
00:53:06.042 --> 00:53:07.876
but talk to the walls
and a therapist.

1263
00:53:07.959 --> 00:53:09.709
And with no emotion
to escape into,

1264
00:53:09.792 --> 00:53:12.542
he slowly started breaking down
the paradigm he'd constructed

1265
00:53:12.626 --> 00:53:15.209
and moved into the feelings
he was running from.

1266
00:53:15.292 --> 00:53:17.167
And he discovered how badly
he had been hurting

1267
00:53:17.250 --> 00:53:20.042
his entire life, and what it
actually is to hurt so badly.

1268
00:53:20.125 --> 00:53:21.876
And he realized
that there was not a single

1269
00:53:21.959 --> 00:53:24.500
period of his life
in which he was truly happy.

1270
00:53:24.584 --> 00:53:26.125
And through that,
he started to realize

1271
00:53:26.209 --> 00:53:27.876
how much pain
he had caused other people.

1272
00:53:27.959 --> 00:53:30.042
He instantly regretted
all the ways in which

1273
00:53:30.125 --> 00:53:31.876
he's needlessly made people
feel like shit

1274
00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:33.542
in order to protect
his own conception

1275
00:53:33.626 --> 00:53:35.125
of himself as strong.

1276
00:53:35.209 --> 00:53:37.792
Then he wanted to disappear
from the world entirely

1277
00:53:37.876 --> 00:53:39.959
because he felt like
such an incredibly bad person

1278
00:53:40.042 --> 00:53:41.292
for having done these things.

1279
00:53:41.375 --> 00:53:43.542
So his instinct was
to beat himself up about it

1280
00:53:43.626 --> 00:53:45.459
and tell himself
what a horrible person he is,

1281
00:53:45.542 --> 00:53:47.334
but he's been shaming himself
his entire life,

1282
00:53:47.417 --> 00:53:48.876
and all these things he did
were just ways

1283
00:53:48.959 --> 00:53:50.792
to push people away
and deprive himself

1284
00:53:50.876 --> 00:53:52.125
of any meaningful connection,

1285
00:53:52.209 --> 00:53:53.959
because of how badly
he felt about himself,

1286
00:53:54.042 --> 00:53:56.626
because it was too scary
and painful to be open enough

1287
00:53:56.709 --> 00:53:58.918
to connect to anyone else.
So, while he hurt people,

1288
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:00.584
he was hurting no one
more than himself,

1289
00:54:00.667 --> 00:54:02.209
and he doesn't want
to do that anymore.

1290
00:54:02.292 --> 00:54:04.000
He has worked so hard
to clear out space

1291
00:54:04.083 --> 00:54:06.500
within himself and feel safer
in his own body

1292
00:54:06.584 --> 00:54:08.584
and treat himself like
a friend he loves

1293
00:54:08.667 --> 00:54:10.167
as opposed to
an enemy he hates,

1294
00:54:10.250 --> 00:54:12.667
which means he no longer
tolerates dynamics based on

1295
00:54:12.751 --> 00:54:14.584
his own self-destruction,
which has changed

1296
00:54:14.667 --> 00:54:16.167
numerous relationships
in his life,

1297
00:54:16.250 --> 00:54:18.417
including the one with
the art form that he loves.

1298
00:54:18.500 --> 00:54:20.751
The fear has always been
that if he makes peace

1299
00:54:20.834 --> 00:54:23.542
with the subterranean feelings
that drive all of this,

1300
00:54:23.626 --> 00:54:25.000
he'd lose this piece
of himself

1301
00:54:25.083 --> 00:54:27.417
which has helped him
survive and get to this point,

1302
00:54:27.500 --> 00:54:29.042
a fear that he won't be
funny anymore,

1303
00:54:29.125 --> 00:54:31.292
he won't be special,
he'll just be,

1304
00:54:31.375 --> 00:54:32.834
which has been
an intolerable notion

1305
00:54:32.918 --> 00:54:34.667
because he doesn't feel
like enough on his own.

1306
00:54:34.751 --> 00:54:37.000
He's only known
how to exist by chasing,

1307
00:54:37.083 --> 00:54:38.709
or thinking, or running,
or fighting,

1308
00:54:38.792 --> 00:54:41.209
or straining, or suffering,
or striving, or analyzing,

1309
00:54:41.292 --> 00:54:43.459
anxious energy
which ultimately manifests

1310
00:54:43.542 --> 00:54:45.792
the very same emptiness
it's borne out of.

1311
00:54:45.876 --> 00:54:48.167
And it keeps him locked
into one side of himself,

1312
00:54:48.250 --> 00:54:50.083
but he's making every effort
to find a way

1313
00:54:50.167 --> 00:54:51.500
to not give in
to those anxieties

1314
00:54:51.584 --> 00:54:53.334
and sit with
the quiet inside of himself

1315
00:54:53.417 --> 00:54:57.584
because he wants so badly
to get to the other side.

1316
00:54:59.042 --> 00:55:06.250
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

1317
00:55:06.334 --> 00:55:07.626
Thank you very much.

1318
00:55:07.709 --> 00:55:11.459
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

1319
00:55:11.542 --> 00:55:12.584
Thank you.

1320
00:55:12.667 --> 00:55:16.876
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

1321
00:55:16.959 --> 00:55:21.083
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES)

1322
00:55:27.042 --> 00:55:30.167
("CARNIVAL"
BY COREY LAITMAN PLAYING)

1323
00:55:30.250 --> 00:55:32.667
Well, I know
It's all you can do

1324
00:55:32.751 --> 00:55:36.459
To put one foot
In front of the other

1325
00:55:39.834 --> 00:55:42.584
When the cold has got
Your bones

1326
00:55:42.667 --> 00:55:47.918
And there's a virus
Hiding out in your brain

1327
00:55:49.459 --> 00:55:55.250
So if you've got to carve out
Your sterile spaces

1328
00:55:55.334 --> 00:56:00.250
And hide out inside
Those high up places

1329
00:56:00.334 --> 00:56:03.667
In the name of staying safe

1330
00:56:04.417 --> 00:56:08.209
And keeping sane

1331
00:56:08.292 --> 00:56:12.292
In this wind and this rain

1332
00:56:12.959 --> 00:56:14.167
Oh

1333
00:56:26.250 --> 00:56:31.626
Funny thing, I've been
Watching you charm the crowd

1334
00:56:35.709 --> 00:56:38.876
They're laying down
Their arms

1335
00:56:38.959 --> 00:56:43.542
Oh
They're clapping out loud

1336
00:56:44.709 --> 00:56:50.292
Oh, but funny thing
You've grown so small

1337
00:56:50.375 --> 00:56:57.500
It's hard to see you
There at all

1338
00:57:09.334 --> 00:57:12.834
Well, I know
It's all you can do

1339
00:57:12.918 --> 00:57:16.417
To put one foot
In front of the other

1340
00:57:19.792 --> 00:57:22.626
When the cold has got
Your bones

1341
00:57:22.709 --> 00:57:28.042
And there's a virus
Hiding out in your brain

1342
00:57:28.125 --> 00:57:29.292
Oh

1343
00:57:29.375 --> 00:57:35.125
So if you've got to carve out
Your sterile spaces

1344
00:57:35.209 --> 00:57:40.334
And hide out inside
Those high up places

1345
00:57:40.417 --> 00:57:43.667
In the name of staying safe

1346
00:57:44.542 --> 00:57:48.209
And keeping sane

1347
00:57:48.292 --> 00:57:52.292
In this wind and this rain

1348
00:57:52.375 --> 00:57:53.626
Oh

1349
00:58:01.876 --> 00:58:05.125
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)