WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-Daniel, good morning.
-Good morning, Manolo.

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-Your coffee.
-And the toast.

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Here's your coffee.

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-Thanks.
-And your toast with olive oil.

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Bon appetite.

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Thanks, man.

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HATE

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Shit.

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-Put it on my tab. I'm running late.
-No worries.

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Come on, Bruno!

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Shit.

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HATE
BY DANI ROVIRA

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All right, see you later. Bye.

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What's that?

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Right, no mask.

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Okay, let's go.

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HATE
BY DANI ROVIRA

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You can't even imagine

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how excited I am
to be here today in Málaga

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after surviving and turning 40. Fuck yeah!

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Look at how

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when you've gone through chemo,
you gotta show any hair you've got.

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Look. Check it out.

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Wild, right? I almost…

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That was a close one.

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For a second there,

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I spent the whole year
negotiating with Saint Peter.

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He says, "Come up, Dani."
I'm like, "Come down, same distance."

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He says, "Come up!" I say, "Come down!"
He says, "I'm swamped this year. Come on!"

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I say, "I'm not really…"

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"Dani, if you don't,
your hair will fall out."

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I'm like, "Fine. Deal."

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I was too lazy to die.

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So, thank you all for coming.

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I guess there's a reason
we're at this theater today, right?

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You all came here to laugh, right?

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And as a comedian,

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I'm here to give you those laughs, right?

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That's our agreement, isn't it?

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As you can see, today's sort of special
because there are cameras.

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This is being recorded.

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It's going to be a Netflix special
that will be streamed

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in over 1,700 countries.

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How many countries are there?
A ton of countries.

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A ton of countries.

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But here's the thing.

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Over the past few years,

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people, damn,
especially comedians, have had it rough

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because everyone gets offended
over so many things.

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They get offended over every little thing.

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So since people
around the world will watch this,

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this is for those who may get offended

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over something
I may ultimately say here today. Okay?

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So, for those people who may get offended,

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I wanted to say this.

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We've gone through a global pandemic.

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Actually, we're still in it.

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They declared
a state of emergency in Spain.

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We were all on lockdown.

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Two days later,
I was diagnosed with cancer.

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Eight chemo sessions.

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One every 15 days.

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Six hours of pumping shit into my body.

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A liter and a half of poison.

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When I got home,
I felt like I got hit by a car.

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Not a truck. That would've killed me.

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My hair fell out.

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I lost weight, vomited.

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Eighteen radiation treatment sessions.

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My chest and larynx smelled
like fried chicken.

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And I'm vegan.

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When I was done, I went to Greece
to make a movie about refugees,

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hurricanes, fires, sea accidents.

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I got a serious ear infection.

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I came back to Madrid

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for my birthday,
but I was on lockdown in the mountains.

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I spent my birthday alone.

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Now you're telling me

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you're offended over some little joke?
Let me tell you something.

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You can suck my balls
from the front and from the back.

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Anyway…

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It's hot in here.

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So,

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let's get started.

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In fact,
some people may already be offended.

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Lots of people will say,
disappointed people,

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they'll say, "Jesus, Dani!"

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"Didn't you go vegan?"

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"So what's this?"

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"What's this?"

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It's pleather.

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I had to kill some plants to make it.
Tipping the scales of justice.

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Yeah, I've gone vegan.

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There you have it. I'm vegan.

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A lot of people say, "Jesus, Dani,
why would you want to suffer like that?"

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And I say, "Well, to each his own."
People still like Málaga's soccer team.

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We're free to choose how we suffer.

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Yeah, I went vegan.
It's crazy when you go vegan.

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Tons of people
are suddenly concerned about your health.

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Of course, these are people that studied
nutrition, a five-year degree,

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especially them.

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The other day, this fat guy comes up
to me and asks,

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"Dani, what do you do about protein?"

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"The same as you, when you forget
your defibrillator."

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"Trying to survive."

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Then I gave him a kiss and said,
"See you tomorrow, Dad." So…

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I want to start by talking about a concept
that many people don't know about.

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Your original laugh.

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Your original laugh
is the one that you're born with.

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Everyone has one.

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You may decide to change it
over the course of your life

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because you like your friend's laugh
and copy it,

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or maybe you have a laugh

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that isn't attractive.
You're embarrassed by it.

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Let's say

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you're an ambassador,

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a diplomat, or something.
You have important meetings.

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If this is your original laugh,

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then I get it

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if you want to change it.

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But even so, I'm a big fan of the people
that keep their original laugh.

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A few years ago, I went to a party.

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I said something, and some guy thought
it was really funny.

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He had
the most spectacular original laugh.

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I can't remember what I said,
but I look at him. He goes…

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I was like, "What a lovely laugh!"

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I spent the whole night telling him jokes,

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farting, falling on the floor,
doing everything I could

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to keep him laughing.

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He had such a gorgeous, spontaneous laugh.

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He'd go like this,

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clenching his fists.

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Like when you're walking,
and they try to sell you rosemary,

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and you walk by saying, "No."

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His laugh came from a deep place,

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almost ancestral.

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It was like Pachamama's ancestors

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were laughing through you.

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And then he'd throw his head back
like he was missing a spine.

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Like PEZ dispensers. Do you remember them?

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I bet I could grab
some candy from his throat.

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What a pretty laugh.

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Original laughs aren't unique, you know?

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People in other parts
of the world laugh like you.

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Really, it happens.

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You know who has that laugh?

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Messi.

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You know who Messi is, right?

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I don't know much about soccer.
I like it less and less.

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But we all agree that Messi is
the best soccer player in the world.

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Even if we go back in history, right?

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That guy is amazing.

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I've seen him play soccer
live in Barcelona.

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I went to Camp Nou.

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You can say "Camp Nou" or "Nou Camp."

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It's a thing I can't…

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But you can't say
"Camp Camp" or "Nou Nou."

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I saw him play live,
and the guy is incredible.

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You can't comprehend how that guy plays.

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He's like a cartoon. It's incredible.

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That being said, don't you think
outside the world of football, Messi's…

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Maybe the light's on, but nobody's home?

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As my comedian friend Tomás García says,
"Not all of his ducks are in a row."

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In fact,
I think even within the world of soccer,

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he sometimes has a hard time.

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For example,

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in tournaments like the Copa del Rey,
the Champions League,

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they're knockout competitions, right?

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You win a match
and move to the next round.

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I'm telling you this
since Málaga doesn't qualify for these.

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So yeah,
he's had to deal with this tons of times.

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You know how it works, right?
There are two matches,

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and the team that has scored
the most goals moves on to the next round.

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If there's a tie,

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the team that scored the most goals
on the away field moves on.

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Because in theory, that's harder, right?

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You can imagine
how often this happens to Messi.

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Let's pretend, okay? I'll make it up.

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Copa del Rey, semifinals.

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Barça versus Málaga. We're pretending.

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The first match is
at La Rosaleda stadium, okay?

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"Rosaleda" or "Ledarrosa."
You can say it either way.

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At La Rosaleda,

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they tie 3-3.

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Three-three here in Málaga.

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At Camp Nou, or Nou Camp, they tie 1-1.

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The ref blows the whistle.

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Whenever the whistle blows
during a Barça match, there's a camera

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that focuses on Messi wherever he is.

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Normally, he's at midfield,

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but when this happens, he looks like this…

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Like a flying saucer

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dumped him there at that moment,
and he was clueless.

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Watching the match at home,
I feel for the guy.

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I say, "Can someone please explain to him
what's going on?"

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And it's even tougher now
because his best friend isn't there.

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He plays in Japan now.
You know Iniesta was his best friend?

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His best good friend.

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If you looked at his contact list,
it'd say "AAAndresito. Best friends."

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So look at older videos
from other matches.

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The first guy that goes to Messi,

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pretending he's just giving him a hug
is Iniesta.

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But he's whispering,
"We made it to the next round, Messi."

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And he goes…

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I think he's so sweet.

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I think Messi's so sweet.

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Messi is the type of guy that,
when under a ton of pressure,

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like during the Champions final,

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when the whole world's watching
and waiting for Messi to score,

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eightieth minute, they're tied, 1-1,

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Messi is the type of guy that would say
stuff like this in that situation.

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A guy is injured. While he gets help,
Messi goes to the sideline,

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and he'd say something like this…

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"Wow, this water tastes great,"

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and he'd go back and score
off a midfield bicycle kick.

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That's Messi in a nutshell.

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He's afraid of training bibs.

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I learned about that recently.
A phobia of training bibs.

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Several years ago,
there was this photo online

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that caused quite a stir.

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This photo came out a while ago.

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People said, "Wow, he doesn't know
how to put on a training bib."

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Come on.
Clearly, he's just messing around.

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Like when you miss a goal and you go…

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I don't think
he's trying to push his face through.

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He knows there's no-- Right?

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Anyway, you know how people get.
Messi this, Messi that.

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Whatever. That's what happened.

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About two or three weeks later,

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another picture came out online. This one.

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It says UNICEF, which is like…

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You gotta see

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all the memes they made with this photo.

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I didn't bring any since they're not mine.
But they're all incredible.

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My favorite is the one
where he's in Elliot's bicycle basket

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on the way to the moon.

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Big deal. He's putting it on.
The photo's bad.

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That's all. People can be so mean.

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Anyway.

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Three or four weeks later…

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This came out.

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I mean, I can't stick up for him anymore.

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This picture makes me want
to call his mom and ask her,

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"During labor, which hole was
he trying to go through?"

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Anyway.

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Cute Messi jokes aside,

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Lionel Messi, as a figure, fascinates me.

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It's fascinating
how a person can be so powerful

252
00:15:03.480 --> 00:15:05.920
and so vulnerable at the same time.

253
00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:10.720
The whole world says Messi is a god,

254
00:15:10.800 --> 00:15:15.920
but if Argentina is suddenly knocked out
of the World Cup, people want to kill him.

255
00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:17.680
Literally, they want to kill him.

256
00:15:17.760 --> 00:15:20.560
And I'm like,
"Come on, he's doing his job."

257
00:15:20.640 --> 00:15:23.160
He's trying to do his best
like the rest of us.

258
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:25.520
But since he's such a public figure--

259
00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:27.800
And this could be applied
to any soccer player,

260
00:15:27.880 --> 00:15:30.720
any athlete, any artist,

261
00:15:30.800 --> 00:15:35.520
actor, musician, journalist,
even any comedian.

262
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:38.680
As public figures,
we're in the fucking line of fire.

263
00:15:38.760 --> 00:15:41.080
Depending on whether we mess up or not,

264
00:15:41.160 --> 00:15:46.200
we could get lynched
by an angry mob, an enraged throng.

265
00:15:46.280 --> 00:15:47.800
It's like, "Wow."

266
00:15:47.880 --> 00:15:49.120
That's tough, right?

267
00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:52.040
I'm done talking about "them."

268
00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:55.320
Let's take a step back
and think about society as a whole,

269
00:15:55.400 --> 00:15:57.200
about where all the hate comes from.

270
00:15:58.040 --> 00:15:59.120
Don't you feel it?

271
00:15:59.760 --> 00:16:01.680
Doesn't it feel like society is, like,

272
00:16:02.160 --> 00:16:03.320
oozing with hatred?

273
00:16:03.400 --> 00:16:06.080
And this started way before the pandemic.

274
00:16:06.160 --> 00:16:08.880
I've been doing this set
for a few years now.

275
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:13.960
Didn't you feel that,
even before coronavirus, people were mad?

276
00:16:14.040 --> 00:16:15.640
People are pissed off, man.

277
00:16:15.720 --> 00:16:17.320
People are constantly on edge.

278
00:16:17.400 --> 00:16:19.120
When someone screws up,
we don't help them.

279
00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:22.160
We point fingers, so we don't get blamed.

280
00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:24.800
This fucking "gotcha" culture.

281
00:16:24.880 --> 00:16:25.720
Don't you feel it?

282
00:16:25.800 --> 00:16:29.120
I get that there are
tons of factors at play.

283
00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:32.800
There are many reasons
why society is oozing with hatred.

284
00:16:32.880 --> 00:16:35.320
I get that some people are out of work,

285
00:16:35.400 --> 00:16:38.880
or they have shitty jobs
or can't pay the bills.

286
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:42.000
It makes sense if you're bitter
'cause you gotta tighten your belt.

287
00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:44.560
That could be a very valid reason.

288
00:16:44.640 --> 00:16:46.200
I get that we live in a society

289
00:16:46.280 --> 00:16:49.600
where reckless politicians push us around.

290
00:16:49.680 --> 00:16:52.440
It's like they're governing
from a schoolyard.

291
00:16:52.520 --> 00:16:54.440
I get that this pisses us off.

292
00:16:54.520 --> 00:16:58.120
I get that we're bombarded
with inflammatory journalism

293
00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:00.680
that just constantly pisses us off.

294
00:17:00.760 --> 00:17:04.480
I get that.
Social media can really piss you off.

295
00:17:04.560 --> 00:17:06.960
I don't know about you, but Instagram--

296
00:17:07.040 --> 00:17:08.640
I have an Instagram, and I feel like

297
00:17:08.720 --> 00:17:11.920
everyone on it is way happier than me.

298
00:17:12.600 --> 00:17:14.840
I could look at my neighbor's profile

299
00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:17.520
and say, "That's my neighbor?"
But he's a loser.

300
00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:21.600
But I see him on Instagram,
and I'm like, "I want to be him."

301
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:24.480
It happens.

302
00:17:24.560 --> 00:17:28.160
And I bet a lot of you think
I forgot about a few factors,

303
00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:30.480
but there is one I want to talk about.

304
00:17:30.560 --> 00:17:31.960
I think it's a factor

305
00:17:32.040 --> 00:17:34.400
that nobody notices because we're…

306
00:17:35.360 --> 00:17:36.440
And that's stress.

307
00:17:37.480 --> 00:17:38.320
Stress.

308
00:17:39.520 --> 00:17:43.040
People forget about it
since you can't see it.

309
00:17:43.120 --> 00:17:44.840
Like Wi-Fi, you can't see it.

310
00:17:45.800 --> 00:17:47.200
But it will cost you.

311
00:17:48.840 --> 00:17:51.920
Think about it for a second. Stress.

312
00:17:52.680 --> 00:17:53.600
Stress.

313
00:17:55.400 --> 00:17:56.680
You repress…

314
00:17:58.680 --> 00:17:59.600
your stress.

315
00:18:00.560 --> 00:18:03.760
"Seriously, did he really just do that?"

316
00:18:04.600 --> 00:18:05.800
"Stick to jokes."

317
00:18:08.360 --> 00:18:10.720
I'm gonna talk about
my relationship with stress

318
00:18:10.800 --> 00:18:13.440
up until now at the age of 40.

319
00:18:14.040 --> 00:18:16.440
I left Málaga when I was 17, 18.

320
00:18:17.360 --> 00:18:19.720
You're not stressed then
'cause you don't give a fuck.

321
00:18:19.800 --> 00:18:21.480
I could barely spell "stress."

322
00:18:21.560 --> 00:18:25.000
My life in Málaga was not stressful.

323
00:18:25.080 --> 00:18:29.080
At 17, 18, I moved to Granada.

324
00:18:29.160 --> 00:18:33.560
It's an Andalusian city.
It's even smaller. What else can I say?

325
00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:34.840
It's bohemian.

326
00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:36.920
There's culture, art,

327
00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:38.440
music, muses.

328
00:18:38.520 --> 00:18:41.880
Basically everything is
within walking distance.

329
00:18:41.960 --> 00:18:43.320
It's all so close together.

330
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:48.280
So sure, no stress in Granada.

331
00:18:48.360 --> 00:18:49.240
But…

332
00:18:51.280 --> 00:18:54.840
About 13 or 14 years ago,
I moved to Madrid.

333
00:18:54.920 --> 00:18:59.240
I wanted to do this for real,
and that's where you make your mark.

334
00:18:59.320 --> 00:19:03.240
So I went telling myself
I wouldn't lose my Andalusian identity,

335
00:19:03.320 --> 00:19:06.200
my flow, my chill vibe. You know?

336
00:19:06.800 --> 00:19:08.880
So I got to Madrid all calm.

337
00:19:09.600 --> 00:19:12.120
Rented a place, moved in.
Well, I put my boxes down.

338
00:19:12.200 --> 00:19:14.880
Please, I didn't unpack.
I dropped my stuff and said,

339
00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:18.160
"Time for a walk.
I will not get stressed on my first day."

340
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:21.240
And I'd heard about Retiro Park,
so I said, "I'll go to Retiro."

341
00:19:21.320 --> 00:19:24.280
I said, "With such a grand name,
it can't be that bad."

342
00:19:24.360 --> 00:19:26.880
"All right let's go--" I don't go anymore.

343
00:19:29.480 --> 00:19:30.680
I never go there now.

344
00:19:30.760 --> 00:19:34.280
I thought you could go for a nice walk,
get inspired.

345
00:19:34.360 --> 00:19:36.800
No, you need a rearview mirror.

346
00:19:37.560 --> 00:19:40.240
There are cyclists, runners, ducks--
Fuck this shit!

347
00:19:40.320 --> 00:19:43.160
I left, saying,
"This is a human centrifuge."

348
00:19:43.240 --> 00:19:47.240
But it turns out it's not just Retiro.
It's all of Madrid.

349
00:19:47.320 --> 00:19:51.560
The whole city. Any neighborhood.
Usera, Malasaña. Legazpi…

350
00:19:51.640 --> 00:19:54.200
Take your pick.
The crowds of pedestrians--

351
00:19:54.280 --> 00:19:56.200
Have you seen how they walk?

352
00:19:56.280 --> 00:19:58.520
I'm like,
"That guy is off to defuse a bomb."

353
00:19:58.600 --> 00:20:01.280
"So is he, but he's going the other way.
What's going on?"

354
00:20:01.360 --> 00:20:04.160
One day, I decided to watch
this guy that was in a rush.

355
00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.320
I'm like, "Let's see where he goes."

356
00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:08.080
He ran into a wall and was stuck…

357
00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:11.080
I'm like, "Jesus, you're all robots."

358
00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:13.800
Am I missing something here?

359
00:20:14.400 --> 00:20:16.280
Some sort of zombie apocalypse,

360
00:20:16.360 --> 00:20:18.040
some bit of news I haven't heard?

361
00:20:18.120 --> 00:20:20.080
It's like snipers are on rooftops saying,

362
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:22.440
"If anyone stands still
for more than 20 seconds,

363
00:20:22.520 --> 00:20:24.400
I'll blow their brains out!"

364
00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:25.640
Come on, man.

365
00:20:31.960 --> 00:20:33.200
Driving in Madrid?

366
00:20:34.760 --> 00:20:35.920
Driving in Madrid.

367
00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:40.160
You have no idea what it's like.
I got my license in Granada.

368
00:20:41.720 --> 00:20:44.200
I didn't use fourth gear for eight years.

369
00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:48.200
Sweet mother of God, they drive fast!

370
00:20:48.280 --> 00:20:50.560
They just randomly switch lanes!

371
00:20:51.520 --> 00:20:53.320
It must cost 20 euros

372
00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:56.480
every time you use your turn signal there.
Those fuckers are cheap!

373
00:20:56.560 --> 00:21:01.120
Driving in Madrid, you gotta guess
what the guy in front and behind is doing.

374
00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:04.760
I say, "I'm busy enough
deciding what the fuck I'm gonna do!"

375
00:21:08.040 --> 00:21:11.120
But the scariest part about Madrid
isn't the cars flying by.

376
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:12.920
It's the cars that are stopped.

377
00:21:13.680 --> 00:21:15.640
Those things terrify me.

378
00:21:16.920 --> 00:21:20.440
I'm driving in Madrid.
There's a red light, and I'm like,

379
00:21:20.520 --> 00:21:23.680
"Please don't let me be in the front."
And bam, I'm there first.

380
00:21:23.760 --> 00:21:25.080
It's so fucking stressful!

381
00:21:25.560 --> 00:21:29.800
There I am, the farm boy
that should never stick out.

382
00:21:29.880 --> 00:21:34.360
I broke four steering wheels from stress.
And I'm like, "Stay sharp. It'll be fine."

383
00:21:34.440 --> 00:21:37.320
"No one is going to yell at you. Come on."

384
00:21:37.400 --> 00:21:40.240
At one point, I saw the blonde from Grease
with the kerchief,

385
00:21:40.320 --> 00:21:42.680
"Come on, boys!" And I'm like, "Let's go!"

386
00:21:42.760 --> 00:21:46.000
And suddenly, I hear the horn behind me.

387
00:21:46.080 --> 00:21:48.600
I look back, I look forward, still red.

388
00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:50.600
I'm like, "That fucker time traveled!"

389
00:21:51.120 --> 00:21:56.000
He bent the Cartesian axes, space-time.
That damn Marty McFly!

390
00:22:02.520 --> 00:22:03.600
What about dating?

391
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:05.840
Dating?

392
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:09.160
This doesn't just happen in Madrid.
It's everywhere.

393
00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:12.760
What's with dating now?
Why does it move so fast?

394
00:22:13.320 --> 00:22:15.880
Look, I'm not some cranky old man. I'm 40.

395
00:22:15.960 --> 00:22:18.640
But I can't wrap my mind around it all.

396
00:22:20.440 --> 00:22:23.560
I asked my friend,
"How do people date now?"

397
00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:26.520
"You don't just go out
for a beer or meet up?"

398
00:22:26.600 --> 00:22:28.000
He said, "No way."

399
00:22:28.600 --> 00:22:30.960
"Now it's through apps."
I was like, "What?"

400
00:22:31.520 --> 00:22:33.160
"Yeah, through apps."

401
00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:35.720
I was like, "Apps?" He said, "Yup."

402
00:22:36.280 --> 00:22:38.520
"You can flirt from home."
I said, "Really?"

403
00:22:38.600 --> 00:22:41.800
He was like,
"Yesterday, I got matched while shitting."

404
00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:43.760
I was like, "What?" He said, "Yes."

405
00:22:45.320 --> 00:22:46.480
It happens.

406
00:22:46.560 --> 00:22:49.680
She says, "What a nice guy."
And my buddy gets a match while taking…

407
00:22:51.640 --> 00:22:52.800
And I'm like…

408
00:22:55.080 --> 00:22:56.840
"What are those apps?"

409
00:22:56.920 --> 00:22:58.960
He goes, "There's a ton of them!"

410
00:22:59.520 --> 00:23:02.360
"There's Grindr, Tinder, Winder, Fringer,

411
00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:07.360
Chatsky, Forchis, Bikin, Bondis, Brendis,
Truskis, Frosties,

412
00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:10.240
Chisquis, Tejeringuis, and AdoptaUnTío.

413
00:23:10.320 --> 00:23:11.200
I'm like…

414
00:23:20.080 --> 00:23:22.200
"Can I have some paper
to write this all down?"

415
00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:26.920
And I see people using
these apps, and I'm lost.

416
00:23:27.000 --> 00:23:29.080
It looks like a video game.

417
00:23:29.160 --> 00:23:33.840
He goes,
"Check this out. Yes, no, yes, no."

418
00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:36.360
Of course, I tried it.
I went to meet up with a chick,

419
00:23:36.440 --> 00:23:38.680
turned the corner, and said,
"Hey, I'm Dani."

420
00:23:38.760 --> 00:23:41.680
"I don't give a shit. Give me cock.
Now go the fuck home."

421
00:23:41.760 --> 00:23:44.840
I've even come home and stood in the dark

422
00:23:44.920 --> 00:23:47.040
in my living room for a while, like…

423
00:23:49.280 --> 00:23:51.280
"I'm not sure if I fucked or not."

424
00:23:54.360 --> 00:23:56.480
There's no trace.

425
00:23:56.560 --> 00:23:58.480
It happened so fast.

426
00:24:01.560 --> 00:24:02.520
Now, dating is like

427
00:24:03.800 --> 00:24:05.560
watching shows on Netflix.

428
00:24:06.520 --> 00:24:08.440
That's fine and all, but

429
00:24:09.680 --> 00:24:10.920
it goes so fast.

430
00:24:11.560 --> 00:24:14.080
This has happened to all of us, right?

431
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.080
It's Tuesday, 9:00-9:30 p.m.
You get home from work.

432
00:24:17.160 --> 00:24:21.440
You make yourself a quick dinner and say,
"Well, I'll watch an episode on Netflix."

433
00:24:21.520 --> 00:24:23.520
The show and season don't matter.

434
00:24:23.600 --> 00:24:26.560
Wherever you are,
in whatever series you're watching.

435
00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:29.680
You put on the episode,
throw the remote somewhere,

436
00:24:29.760 --> 00:24:31.960
and-- Well, it starts
because you press play.

437
00:24:32.040 --> 00:24:35.440
That's why it starts. "Isn't that nice--"
And the show's great by the way.

438
00:24:35.520 --> 00:24:38.320
You think I'd talk shit
about Netflix right now?

439
00:24:39.400 --> 00:24:43.600
And you're like, "This actress is amazing.
I didn't expect-- Wow!"

440
00:24:43.680 --> 00:24:46.040
"Holy shit,
those special effects aren't cheap."

441
00:24:46.120 --> 00:24:49.560
The episode ends and you say,
"Okay, I'll brush my teeth and go to bed."

442
00:24:49.640 --> 00:24:52.760
As you get up, you see "next episode"
out of the corner of your eye

443
00:24:52.840 --> 00:24:56.240
and then, "Six, five, four…"
You search for your phone.

444
00:24:56.320 --> 00:24:58.800
"Three, two, one…" Now you have to watch.

445
00:24:59.600 --> 00:25:02.000
You have to. You can't break the hypnosis.

446
00:25:02.080 --> 00:25:05.680
I watched every season of Money Heist
in one night. Don't ask me how.

447
00:25:05.760 --> 00:25:07.720
I've gone through Netflix, all of it.

448
00:25:07.800 --> 00:25:10.360
I've lost my job, my family.

449
00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:13.280
I'm rewatching
the second season of Friends.

450
00:25:15.600 --> 00:25:17.880
And I can't remember
anything that happened!

451
00:25:20.920 --> 00:25:22.520
Nothing!

452
00:25:25.760 --> 00:25:27.680
That's not how you enjoy things.

453
00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:30.640
I'm not talking about dating
like my parents did.

454
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:34.000
I don't know, but more or less
how it was 20 years ago.

455
00:25:34.080 --> 00:25:35.280
It was a little more--

456
00:25:35.360 --> 00:25:39.800
Look, dating used to be like
watching shows on regular television.

457
00:25:42.080 --> 00:25:44.880
And that was perfectly fine,
but at a different pace.

458
00:25:45.800 --> 00:25:47.000
Same scenario.

459
00:25:47.080 --> 00:25:50.800
Tuesday night, 9:30. You get home
from work, make a quick dinner,

460
00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:54.440
and at 9:20 you think,

461
00:25:54.520 --> 00:25:57.880
"I'll turn it on at 9:30

462
00:25:58.600 --> 00:26:01.080
because they've been running ads all week…

463
00:26:03.760 --> 00:26:05.920
saying that the show airs at 9:30."

464
00:26:07.280 --> 00:26:10.720
You start heading to
the living room around 9:25,

465
00:26:12.440 --> 00:26:13.720
just in case

466
00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:16.200
they air it early. Right?

467
00:26:16.880 --> 00:26:18.480
So you sit down with your dinner.

468
00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:21.000
It's 9:25.

469
00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:24.080
It's 9:30, and you go, "All right."

470
00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:28.640
It's 9:40.

471
00:26:32.360 --> 00:26:33.680
It's 9:45, and you go,

472
00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:37.040
"Maybe the guy
who's supposed to press the button…"

473
00:26:40.280 --> 00:26:41.760
Shit happens, right?

474
00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:44.880
It's 9:55-- I don't know about you,

475
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:49.000
but I have this issue
that when I'm watching a movie or show

476
00:26:49.080 --> 00:26:52.560
and have dinner, I like to start eating

477
00:26:52.640 --> 00:26:54.920
when it starts, like at the same time.

478
00:26:55.960 --> 00:26:59.480
So I'm there thinking, "Just wait,
it's going to get cold…"

479
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:02.880
"My salad is going to get cold."

480
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:06.320
And at 10:15,

481
00:27:07.800 --> 00:27:09.600
the show starts. Great.

482
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:11.960
And it's very good. You're like,

483
00:27:12.040 --> 00:27:13.280
"That's awesome!"

484
00:27:13.360 --> 00:27:16.200
"Those two actors always work
so well together."

485
00:27:16.280 --> 00:27:18.760
"Wow, look at the production value.
Oh my goodness!"

486
00:27:19.280 --> 00:27:23.000
Then a voice says, "We'll be back
from our commercial break in March."

487
00:27:23.080 --> 00:27:25.120
And you go,
"Okay. I'll get on with my life."

488
00:27:25.200 --> 00:27:27.840
"I'll go to college,
get a tan this summer,

489
00:27:27.920 --> 00:27:30.200
and then watch next year." Come on!

490
00:27:33.880 --> 00:27:36.240
There has to be some middle ground, right?

491
00:27:37.320 --> 00:27:41.520
I have to admit
that I gave into the stress of Madrid.

492
00:27:41.600 --> 00:27:44.520
But about nine years ago,

493
00:27:44.600 --> 00:27:46.200
someone came into my life

494
00:27:47.160 --> 00:27:52.760
and changed it completely,
changed how I understood life, its pace.

495
00:27:52.840 --> 00:27:56.720
It was my first dog.
Her name is Taterface. Okay?

496
00:27:56.800 --> 00:27:59.280
She's alive today. We're roommates.

497
00:27:59.360 --> 00:28:01.960
She's an elderly lady.
She's always sitting.

498
00:28:02.040 --> 00:28:05.040
I don't know how she moves.
I look over, and there she is.

499
00:28:06.760 --> 00:28:09.680
Then I go to my room, and she's there.
I never see her move.

500
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:15.920
Like a cartoon character hopping
around, like Goku teleporting.

501
00:28:16.000 --> 00:28:17.640
I've never seen her walk.

502
00:28:18.200 --> 00:28:20.400
But I go somewhere, and she's there.

503
00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:22.760
Anyway, apart from that…

504
00:28:27.240 --> 00:28:29.560
Something happened to me
while I was with her.

505
00:28:29.640 --> 00:28:32.240
It completely changed me-- Hold on.

506
00:28:32.320 --> 00:28:36.240
Don't worry. I'm not gonna do the whole
"My dog is super special--"

507
00:28:36.320 --> 00:28:39.200
No. I think we're a bit fed up.

508
00:28:39.280 --> 00:28:42.560
At least I am. I'm a bit fed up with
dog people that are always like,

509
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:45.280
"My dog is so…" Hold on a second.

510
00:28:45.360 --> 00:28:47.720
Who's got a dog here? Raise your hand.

511
00:28:47.800 --> 00:28:49.760
Damn, that's a ton of dog people.

512
00:28:49.840 --> 00:28:52.760
Great. I thought so.
As soon as I got in, I went…

513
00:28:53.520 --> 00:28:55.160
It's fine. I'm used to it.

514
00:28:55.920 --> 00:28:57.600
You'll have to forgive me,

515
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:01.400
but I think you dog people are…

516
00:29:03.400 --> 00:29:04.760
a fucking cult.

517
00:29:09.200 --> 00:29:10.200
You're insufferable.

518
00:29:10.280 --> 00:29:13.320
I try not to go to the same parks
at the same time every day

519
00:29:13.400 --> 00:29:16.680
or talk to the same owners
'cause it's gotten to the point where

520
00:29:16.760 --> 00:29:19.320
if I see one a third time,
I want to punch them.

521
00:29:20.320 --> 00:29:24.560
Because here's the thing. Maybe it happens
in other countries, but in this country…

522
00:29:26.760 --> 00:29:31.440
five percent, at most, of the dogs

523
00:29:31.520 --> 00:29:33.720
are imposing, majestic. Right?

524
00:29:33.800 --> 00:29:35.800
They're undeniably, objectively beautiful.

525
00:29:35.880 --> 00:29:39.120
So very few people can say,
"Look at my beautiful dog."

526
00:29:39.200 --> 00:29:41.480
And the dog goes… And you're like, "Fine."

527
00:29:41.560 --> 00:29:43.960
But 95% of dog owners…

528
00:29:46.080 --> 00:29:48.680
have mismatched socks, junkyard dogs.

529
00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:55.640
If it's not missing an eye, it's missing
a leg or walks on the diagonal.

530
00:29:55.720 --> 00:29:57.640
So you say, "Look how cute my dog is."

531
00:29:57.720 --> 00:30:00.440
I go, "We could sit, talk this out,
but I don't have time."

532
00:30:01.360 --> 00:30:04.440
So when you can't say
your dog is beautiful,

533
00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:06.480
which most of us can't do,

534
00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:10.560
what's your argument?
How do you brag about your dog?

535
00:30:10.640 --> 00:30:13.280
In this country, you brag by saying,

536
00:30:14.120 --> 00:30:16.960
"My dog is so smart."

537
00:30:18.880 --> 00:30:23.080
Everybody has
the smartest dog in the world.

538
00:30:23.760 --> 00:30:27.400
Yup, I've had it up to here
with smart dogs.

539
00:30:27.480 --> 00:30:30.240
Come on! As if
Spanish universities were full of dogs.

540
00:30:32.520 --> 00:30:35.800
I have this lovely neighbor in Madrid.

541
00:30:35.880 --> 00:30:37.360
She's in her sixties.

542
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:40.200
She has a dog, and since she knows
I'm all about dogs,

543
00:30:40.280 --> 00:30:43.520
she thinks I care about
everything she tells me about her dog.

544
00:30:43.600 --> 00:30:46.920
I'd go as far as to say,
"If your dog is happy and healthy,

545
00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:50.320
I couldn't give two shits about your dog."
How about that?

546
00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:55.080
The other day, she waylays me
on the landing. "Dani…"

547
00:30:55.160 --> 00:30:58.120
She says, "Dani, my dog is so smart."

548
00:30:59.000 --> 00:31:00.800
"Listen to this."

549
00:31:00.880 --> 00:31:03.360
"I get up really early in the morning

550
00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:04.840
and take the dog out."

551
00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:06.600
"He does his business. We go in."

552
00:31:06.680 --> 00:31:09.360
"I feed him,
drink my coffee, have some toast,

553
00:31:10.080 --> 00:31:11.320
and hit the streets."

554
00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:16.120
Because that's what the elderly do.
They don't go outside.

555
00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:18.280
They hit the streets.

556
00:31:19.640 --> 00:31:22.320
I've heard this ever since I was a kid.
Every morning,

557
00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:25.240
I was afraid an old guy would fall out
his window and crush me.

558
00:31:26.600 --> 00:31:29.520
There comes an age
when you decide to hit the streets.

559
00:31:30.000 --> 00:31:31.520
She says, "I hit the streets."

560
00:31:32.920 --> 00:31:35.600
"I run errands,
and then I'm back around 3:00 p.m."

561
00:31:35.680 --> 00:31:37.760
"Get this, Dani."

562
00:31:37.840 --> 00:31:40.520
"I live on the first floor."
I go, "I know. We're neighbors."

563
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:46.320
"I go up the stairs.
I don't make a sound, Dani. Not a sound."

564
00:31:48.440 --> 00:31:49.640
"I'm a ninja."

565
00:31:54.640 --> 00:31:57.000
"I spent five years in Matsumoto,

566
00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:01.000
training for any eventuality."

567
00:32:02.800 --> 00:32:05.920
"Back in my village,
they call me 'The Vacuum Sealer.'"

568
00:32:08.080 --> 00:32:09.240
She says…

569
00:32:10.320 --> 00:32:13.080
She had her skirt hiked up to here,
her slip, tights…

570
00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:18.200
"Dani, I take out my key.
No noisy key chain."

571
00:32:19.400 --> 00:32:21.000
"And I go up to the door."

572
00:32:27.280 --> 00:32:28.800
"I put the key in."

573
00:32:30.800 --> 00:32:33.600
"The door opens a bit
but doesn't make a sound."

574
00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:36.040
"I'd sprayed some lubricant."

575
00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:42.800
She goes,

576
00:32:43.800 --> 00:32:48.760
"So I open the door a tiny bit,
like, just this much."

577
00:32:48.840 --> 00:32:51.560
"His snout is there
'cause he knows it's me!"

578
00:32:51.640 --> 00:32:52.960
And I go, "For fuck's sake!"

579
00:32:53.560 --> 00:32:55.520
"Un-fucking-believable. Look…"

580
00:32:56.920 --> 00:32:59.320
"Listen up, neighbor, and listen good."

581
00:32:59.840 --> 00:33:03.600
"You left at 8:00 a.m. The dog fell asleep
in his bed in the living room."

582
00:33:04.120 --> 00:33:07.000
"At 8:30, he heard a noise
and thought it was you.

583
00:33:07.080 --> 00:33:10.320
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

584
00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:13.800
"Then someone buzzed your neighbor,
he though it was you."

585
00:33:13.880 --> 00:33:17.600
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

586
00:33:17.680 --> 00:33:19.560
"He farted, thought it was you,

587
00:33:19.640 --> 00:33:23.440
went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

588
00:33:23.520 --> 00:33:28.000
"Before you got here, the dog went
down the hall to the door 737 times

589
00:33:28.080 --> 00:33:29.080
to see if it was you."

590
00:33:29.160 --> 00:33:31.920
"You just saw his last lap, dumbass."

591
00:33:33.040 --> 00:33:37.080
"But the dog did
the fucking Way of St. James in a day."

592
00:33:45.960 --> 00:33:47.720
"Oh, he's so smart, Dani."

593
00:33:48.520 --> 00:33:52.480
"Sure, but when he eats some junkie's shit
in the park, you don't say anything."

594
00:33:53.480 --> 00:33:55.200
"You keep that to yourself."

595
00:33:57.440 --> 00:33:59.760
"I was scolding him the other day…"

596
00:33:59.840 --> 00:34:01.080
She never says why.

597
00:34:01.160 --> 00:34:03.720
Maybe he ate a five-foot-long scarf.

598
00:34:04.600 --> 00:34:06.040
"Look how smart he is."

599
00:34:06.120 --> 00:34:08.840
"I was scolding him, and I said, 'No.'"

600
00:34:09.960 --> 00:34:11.480
"'Don't do that.'"

601
00:34:11.560 --> 00:34:14.280
"Listen, Dani. He was just looking at me,

602
00:34:15.400 --> 00:34:16.680
with a look on his face…"

603
00:34:16.760 --> 00:34:20.520
Here comes the line
that I absolutely despise. She goes,

604
00:34:22.240 --> 00:34:23.880
"It was like he was about to speak."

605
00:34:26.480 --> 00:34:28.880
He was about to speak? Dogs don't speak!

606
00:34:28.960 --> 00:34:30.960
No fucking dog has ever talked!

607
00:34:31.480 --> 00:34:35.640
"And one more thing,
if I ever see that dog speak,

608
00:34:35.720 --> 00:34:37.840
I'll kick him out the window."

609
00:34:39.000 --> 00:34:40.200
"You schizophrenic!"

610
00:34:42.680 --> 00:34:45.240
I'm fucking sick of smart dogs and…

611
00:34:47.920 --> 00:34:50.360
Forgive me,
I'd rather be honest, that's all.

612
00:34:50.440 --> 00:34:52.520
You're getting to know the real me. Sorry.

613
00:34:53.120 --> 00:34:56.520
I wouldn't even grab a coffee
with a dog person.

614
00:34:57.440 --> 00:34:58.440
Sorry.

615
00:35:04.680 --> 00:35:06.080
And you cat people…

616
00:35:18.520 --> 00:35:19.400
All right.

617
00:35:20.520 --> 00:35:21.840
Who has a cat? Don't be shy.

618
00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:24.240
I can't go and slap you
'cause of coronavirus.

619
00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:25.600
Come on, who has a cat?

620
00:35:25.680 --> 00:35:28.720
That's a lot people.
Fewer than dog people, but okay.

621
00:35:28.800 --> 00:35:31.000
By the way,
does anyone have the combo pack?

622
00:35:31.880 --> 00:35:33.040
What do you have?

623
00:35:34.040 --> 00:35:37.160
Three dogs and two cats.
What's next, a wild boar?

624
00:35:39.640 --> 00:35:41.400
Well, those of you with the combo pack,

625
00:35:41.480 --> 00:35:44.400
this next thing isn't about you.
You're off the hook.

626
00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:46.320
You people that just have cats,

627
00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:48.760
forgive me, but…

628
00:35:49.280 --> 00:35:50.280
I think you have…

629
00:35:56.960 --> 00:35:59.240
An inferiority complex…

630
00:36:01.400 --> 00:36:02.600
a severe one.

631
00:36:03.200 --> 00:36:07.360
You cat people spend
all your time and energy,

632
00:36:07.440 --> 00:36:12.160
trying to convince everyone else,
even though nobody asked you,

633
00:36:14.320 --> 00:36:15.520
that having a cat

634
00:36:16.560 --> 00:36:19.080
is better than having a dog.

635
00:36:20.120 --> 00:36:21.120
That a cat

636
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:22.600
is better

637
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:24.320
than a dog.

638
00:36:27.160 --> 00:36:30.600
I say, "Invest your time and energy
in whatever your want."

639
00:36:30.680 --> 00:36:36.560
What pisses me off is
that 95% of your argument is this,

640
00:36:36.640 --> 00:36:39.200
"My cat, wow. My cat is the best."

641
00:36:40.720 --> 00:36:42.160
"I get home,

642
00:36:42.760 --> 00:36:44.280
and my cat comes to say hi."

643
00:36:44.880 --> 00:36:45.920
"He wants to be petted."

644
00:36:46.640 --> 00:36:47.720
"He gives me his paw."

645
00:36:48.320 --> 00:36:50.960
"I throw him a ball of yarn,
and he goes and gets it."

646
00:36:51.040 --> 00:36:52.360
"It's like,

647
00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:54.240
he isn't even a cat."

648
00:36:55.960 --> 00:36:58.440
"He's like a dog." Are you fucking stupid?

649
00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:01.400
What you want is a dog!

650
00:37:05.080 --> 00:37:05.920
Seriously.

651
00:37:07.200 --> 00:37:09.120
I'm sorry, but…

652
00:37:09.880 --> 00:37:13.000
if you have dogs or cats,
don't talk to me on the street.

653
00:37:13.080 --> 00:37:14.560
It won't end well.

654
00:37:22.440 --> 00:37:23.720
And you people with kids…

655
00:37:33.960 --> 00:37:35.760
Why are you parents like that?

656
00:37:36.560 --> 00:37:39.600
You turn into jackasses
when you become parents.

657
00:37:40.760 --> 00:37:42.520
For example, women.

658
00:37:43.080 --> 00:37:47.520
What's your deal? As soon as you become
a mom or know that you'll be a mom,

659
00:37:48.520 --> 00:37:50.360
your operating system crashes.

660
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:54.680
No, it's true. I don't know
if it's your software or your hardware--

661
00:37:55.160 --> 00:37:58.120
I've never understood the difference.

662
00:37:59.360 --> 00:38:02.280
But you start getting
these system failures.

663
00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:07.200
For example, units of measurement.

664
00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:09.560
You start to mix them all up.

665
00:38:10.120 --> 00:38:11.240
You get them wrong.

666
00:38:12.640 --> 00:38:16.520
The other day, I called a friend of mine.
We hadn't spoken in years.

667
00:38:16.600 --> 00:38:18.080
I had no idea how she was.

668
00:38:18.160 --> 00:38:21.960
I call her and say, "Hey! How are you?
It's so great to hear from you…"

669
00:38:22.040 --> 00:38:24.400
She goes, "I'm a mom now."

670
00:38:24.480 --> 00:38:28.120
I'm like, "Wow, that's great! How old?"
She says, "192 weeks."

671
00:38:36.440 --> 00:38:38.400
I was completely caught off guard.

672
00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:40.520
Should I give the kid a toy or cigars?

673
00:38:40.600 --> 00:38:43.640
I mean, "Are you really gonna make me
go grab a calculator?'"

674
00:38:51.720 --> 00:38:56.840
You're buying groceries. The cashier says,
"That'll be 1,532 cents."

675
00:38:56.920 --> 00:38:58.240
Wouldn't that piss you off?

676
00:38:59.560 --> 00:39:02.640
Since we have larger units of measurement
that make life easier.

677
00:39:02.720 --> 00:39:04.880
So, please don't do that to us.

678
00:39:12.120 --> 00:39:13.880
You parents are obsessed.

679
00:39:13.960 --> 00:39:18.760
You're obsessed with teaching stuff
to your kids before they're old enough.

680
00:39:18.840 --> 00:39:20.160
Why? So you can brag.

681
00:39:20.760 --> 00:39:24.000
"My son was walking at nine months." Why?

682
00:39:24.080 --> 00:39:26.960
Why pressure the other kid, their parents?

683
00:39:27.040 --> 00:39:30.600
And everything your kid does is special.

684
00:39:32.080 --> 00:39:34.560
"Look how he poops on the hardwood floor!"

685
00:39:35.800 --> 00:39:37.160
"Isn't that amazing?"

686
00:39:37.240 --> 00:39:40.360
I'm like, "Yes, it is since he's eight.
It's amazing."

687
00:39:42.920 --> 00:39:45.480
You're obsessed!
We shouldn't pressure them.

688
00:39:45.560 --> 00:39:48.000
Let them learn things at their own pace,

689
00:39:48.080 --> 00:39:51.000
give or take a few months.
As long as it's not extreme, right?

690
00:39:51.080 --> 00:39:51.960
I don't know.

691
00:39:52.600 --> 00:39:54.880
As a kid, the only thing I did

692
00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:56.840
five months ahead of schedule

693
00:39:56.920 --> 00:39:59.680
was eat Christmas cookies in August.
That's it.

694
00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:06.680
So, my friend…

695
00:40:08.120 --> 00:40:12.400
She's from Málaga. Bea, my best friend.
We've been friends since we were kids.

696
00:40:12.480 --> 00:40:17.240
She's a wonderful woman.
She's kind, generous,

697
00:40:17.320 --> 00:40:20.440
a beautiful person. She's a genius,
a medical professional, a doctor.

698
00:40:20.520 --> 00:40:22.520
Whatever you want to call it.

699
00:40:22.600 --> 00:40:25.160
She's a big deal, top of her class.
She's the shit.

700
00:40:25.720 --> 00:40:26.800
An exceptional woman.

701
00:40:27.640 --> 00:40:30.280
She has two kids.
When she had the first one,

702
00:40:30.360 --> 00:40:32.680
she wanted me to be the godfather.
I was thrilled.

703
00:40:32.760 --> 00:40:36.920
So whenever I come down to Málaga,
I try to make time to see them.

704
00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:38.600
When…

705
00:40:39.680 --> 00:40:42.280
the kid was about six months old,

706
00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:46.480
I went to her house. "Hi, Bea."
"Hi, Dani. How are you?"

707
00:40:46.560 --> 00:40:49.560
I go. "Where's Paquito?"
"He went shopping," she says.

708
00:40:49.640 --> 00:40:51.000
Paquito is her husband.

709
00:40:56.120 --> 00:40:59.120
And I go, "Where's Nico?" Now he's the…
She says, "There he is, in the…"

710
00:40:59.200 --> 00:41:01.760
Maybe it was a crib or--
wherever the kid was laying.

711
00:41:02.520 --> 00:41:04.440
"There he is. He just woke up."

712
00:41:04.520 --> 00:41:07.920
So I went over-- I don't know about you,
but I talk to babies in a normal voice.

713
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:12.120
Okay? I can't opine either way
since I'm not a parent, as far as I know,

714
00:41:12.200 --> 00:41:14.560
but I use a normal voice.
I have this thing.

715
00:41:14.640 --> 00:41:16.680
No matter how little they are,

716
00:41:16.760 --> 00:41:19.480
they're smarter than we think. Right?

717
00:41:19.560 --> 00:41:23.800
I imagine some baby lying
in a bed, a crib, whatever.

718
00:41:23.880 --> 00:41:27.960
The baby just sees
people drift in and out of view.

719
00:41:29.240 --> 00:41:30.680
And they're going…

720
00:41:35.000 --> 00:41:36.680
The baby must think,

721
00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:39.120
"I got stuck with
the biggest morons in Málaga."

722
00:41:48.880 --> 00:41:52.120
"It's either that, or I'm from
the House of Bourbon. I don't know."

723
00:41:54.160 --> 00:41:56.200
I mean, I try to talk normally.

724
00:41:56.280 --> 00:42:00.080
I'm not saying go over there
and talk about the stock market.

725
00:42:00.160 --> 00:42:02.000
But I just act normal.

726
00:42:02.640 --> 00:42:04.720
My friend Bea is right here. I go over.

727
00:42:04.800 --> 00:42:08.240
"What's up, Nico?
How are you doing, handsome?"

728
00:42:08.320 --> 00:42:10.440
"You're so handsome.
I've missed you so much."

729
00:42:10.520 --> 00:42:11.880
Suddenly, I hear,

730
00:42:11.960 --> 00:42:15.000
"Look how much I've grown, Godfather."

731
00:42:25.640 --> 00:42:29.240
"The booties you gave me
don't fit anymore."

732
00:42:34.560 --> 00:42:36.880
"Bea?" Remember, she's a doctor. "Bea?"

733
00:42:38.160 --> 00:42:40.480
"No, it's me, your godson."

734
00:42:45.240 --> 00:42:46.920
"I'm here in the crib."

735
00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:49.400
"I've gotten so big."

736
00:42:49.480 --> 00:42:51.080
"Haven't you noticed?"

737
00:42:56.080 --> 00:42:59.160
I'm like, "At least cover
your fucking mouth, Jesus!"

738
00:42:59.640 --> 00:43:02.760
At what point
did you parents become ventriloquists?

739
00:43:02.840 --> 00:43:05.520
I don't get it.
Let him speak when he's ready.

740
00:43:05.600 --> 00:43:08.160
But don't speak for him. It creeps me out.

741
00:43:09.560 --> 00:43:11.640
You want to speak
and do everything for them.

742
00:43:11.720 --> 00:43:13.680
He's six months old. "Look how big he is."

743
00:43:13.760 --> 00:43:15.600
You're all obsessed with growth.

744
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:20.720
Nine months. "Look at him." I go, "Okay."

745
00:43:20.800 --> 00:43:22.680
A year and half. "What a growth spurt!"

746
00:43:22.760 --> 00:43:26.000
Two years. "Look, he's huge."
I go, "Of course, Bea. He's a kid!"

747
00:43:26.080 --> 00:43:28.640
"Of course, he's growing. That's normal."

748
00:43:30.520 --> 00:43:32.160
"That's nothing extraordinary."

749
00:43:32.240 --> 00:43:35.360
"It would be extraordinary if,
at six months, he were this tall."

750
00:43:36.360 --> 00:43:38.200
"And this tall after a year."

751
00:43:39.240 --> 00:43:40.840
"And this tall after 1.5 years."

752
00:43:40.920 --> 00:43:42.680
"If at age two, I go, 'Bea where is he?'"

753
00:43:42.760 --> 00:43:45.000
"You go, 'Get this,
he got back in my pussy.'"

754
00:43:45.080 --> 00:43:45.960
I'd say, "Damn!"

755
00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:48.880
"Now, that is extraordinary!
Call Mulder and Scully!"

756
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:50.480
"Call the news networks!"

757
00:43:51.920 --> 00:43:53.760
"But in the meantime,

758
00:43:53.840 --> 00:43:56.920
as long as you don't stick him
in a terrarium like a fucking iguana,

759
00:43:57.000 --> 00:43:58.480
the kid will keep growing

760
00:43:58.560 --> 00:43:59.840
according to

761
00:43:59.920 --> 00:44:04.040
physiological and nutritional standards
set for kids in first-world countries."

762
00:44:05.240 --> 00:44:06.840
You're so fucking obsessed.

763
00:44:07.560 --> 00:44:10.920
It's not like we're gonna eat them.
They're kids, not suckling pigs.

764
00:44:16.080 --> 00:44:18.480
That got a bit out of hand. Sorry

765
00:44:19.440 --> 00:44:21.800
It's just that sometimes this stuff…

766
00:44:21.880 --> 00:44:22.800
Forgive me.

767
00:44:29.840 --> 00:44:31.440
Wow, this water tastes great.

768
00:44:33.720 --> 00:44:35.760
Well, sorry. As I was saying.

769
00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:40.520
I lost my train of thought.
Taterface, remember her?

770
00:44:41.280 --> 00:44:42.720
This is how, with Taterface,

771
00:44:42.800 --> 00:44:45.080
I got rid of my stress
when I lived in Madrid.

772
00:44:45.160 --> 00:44:47.400
Instead of bragging about her,

773
00:44:47.480 --> 00:44:49.960
I'll show you a photo,
so you can see what she look like.

774
00:44:50.040 --> 00:44:53.520
You'll hear the most unbiased version
of the story possible,

775
00:44:53.600 --> 00:44:55.320
then we'll move on to something else.

776
00:44:55.400 --> 00:44:58.480
No fantasy, no magic,
no Gandalf, no Pied Piper, no bullshit.

777
00:44:59.080 --> 00:44:59.920
This is Taterface.

778
00:45:01.720 --> 00:45:02.560
All right?

779
00:45:13.640 --> 00:45:15.600
It's like she's about to speak.

780
00:45:26.600 --> 00:45:27.800
She's facing us, okay?

781
00:45:29.080 --> 00:45:32.280
People in the back must be like,
"Ass or elbow?"

782
00:45:34.920 --> 00:45:36.600
She's a lovely dog.

783
00:45:36.680 --> 00:45:40.000
The only thing is
that she puts on weight easily.

784
00:45:40.080 --> 00:45:42.800
I have to walk her a lot
and keep an eye on her food.

785
00:45:42.880 --> 00:45:46.360
She just had an appointment with the vet
she's had forever for a checkup.

786
00:45:46.440 --> 00:45:48.160
They looked in her ears and all that.

787
00:45:48.240 --> 00:45:50.520
The vet puts her on the scale

788
00:45:51.160 --> 00:45:52.040
and says, "Dani,

789
00:45:53.000 --> 00:45:54.880
that's some serious girth."

790
00:46:05.600 --> 00:46:08.000
I'm like, "Yeah, a bit girthy."

791
00:46:09.560 --> 00:46:13.480
I'm thinking, "I hope she's talking about
my dick and not the dog."

792
00:46:13.560 --> 00:46:16.080
"Getting her to slim down is hard enough."

793
00:46:16.160 --> 00:46:17.600
This is nothing. It'll go down

794
00:46:17.680 --> 00:46:20.160
as soon as I'm barefoot in a cathedral.

795
00:46:24.040 --> 00:46:27.320
You guys laugh as if you've been
barefoot in a cathedral plenty of times.

796
00:46:30.320 --> 00:46:31.880
Taterface came into my life

797
00:46:31.960 --> 00:46:34.760
at a time when I was living alone,

798
00:46:34.840 --> 00:46:37.840
really busy with work,
really stressed out.

799
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:39.640
I knew nothing about owning a dog.

800
00:46:39.720 --> 00:46:44.000
Now I do. If you'll allow me
to give you some advice about pets,

801
00:46:44.080 --> 00:46:45.240
a dog, a cat.

802
00:46:45.320 --> 00:46:46.880
Do it right. Give it love.

803
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:49.320
Take care of it. Give it good food,
go to the vet…

804
00:46:49.400 --> 00:46:51.440
Just do it right.

805
00:46:51.520 --> 00:46:55.040
Seriously. It's a living thing
and has feelings.

806
00:46:55.120 --> 00:46:58.360
It's not a fascist.
Let's try to take good care of it, okay?

807
00:46:58.960 --> 00:47:01.320
So, I remember it was a Tuesday.

808
00:47:02.280 --> 00:47:03.800
I got up that morning,

809
00:47:04.400 --> 00:47:06.600
I get up, take her downstairs
to do her business.

810
00:47:06.680 --> 00:47:09.480
We go up, eat breakfast, and I go to work.

811
00:47:09.560 --> 00:47:11.600
I come home at 4:00 p.m.
and have 30 minutes

812
00:47:11.680 --> 00:47:15.720
to take her out to do her business
before I have to cross all of Madrid.

813
00:47:15.800 --> 00:47:17.840
So, I take her down, all stressed out.

814
00:47:17.920 --> 00:47:20.680
And if you're stressed,
your dog picks up on that.

815
00:47:20.760 --> 00:47:24.720
I'm like, "Come on, a little poop.
Go on, pee. I'm gonna be late."

816
00:47:24.800 --> 00:47:28.120
She pees and poops,
and we head home through the park.

817
00:47:28.200 --> 00:47:29.920
I'm rushing. I'm super late,

818
00:47:30.000 --> 00:47:34.200
and she stops. I'm like, "Come on, Tater.
Come on, Taterface."

819
00:47:34.280 --> 00:47:36.800
And I look to see why she won't move.

820
00:47:36.880 --> 00:47:41.920
I see that she really wanted
to stop for a moment

821
00:47:43.000 --> 00:47:44.080
because she wanted

822
00:47:45.280 --> 00:47:46.360
to smell a flower.

823
00:47:48.880 --> 00:47:50.480
I stood there watching

824
00:47:52.280 --> 00:47:53.960
and thought everything made sense.

825
00:47:55.080 --> 00:47:59.320
That's when I said, "Hold on.
Maybe this is what life's all about."

826
00:48:00.440 --> 00:48:03.480
"Maybe life is about sometimes

827
00:48:03.560 --> 00:48:04.720
stopping for a second

828
00:48:05.800 --> 00:48:06.800
to smell a flower."

829
00:48:07.920 --> 00:48:08.880
I took out my phone,

830
00:48:10.200 --> 00:48:13.360
canceled my two afternoon meetings,
postponed the next day's meeting,

831
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:14.640
turned off my phone,

832
00:48:14.720 --> 00:48:16.200
put it in my pocket,

833
00:48:16.280 --> 00:48:18.800
let her loose in the park
and said, "Taterface,

834
00:48:19.600 --> 00:48:22.400
this afternoon is for you and me."

835
00:48:22.480 --> 00:48:24.080
"This is our afternoon."

836
00:48:25.560 --> 00:48:26.480
Yes, sir.

837
00:48:27.200 --> 00:48:28.120
That was it.

838
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:37.800
That day changed everything for me.

839
00:48:37.880 --> 00:48:41.280
For her, too. She had a blast.

840
00:48:41.360 --> 00:48:43.720
She hid in the bushes,

841
00:48:43.800 --> 00:48:45.440
peed wherever she wanted,

842
00:48:45.520 --> 00:48:47.080
smelled whatever she wanted,

843
00:48:47.160 --> 00:48:50.400
played with some kids.
They assaulted her a few times…

844
00:48:50.480 --> 00:48:51.640
We had a blast.

845
00:48:55.720 --> 00:48:59.840
Since then, my life has been closely tied

846
00:49:00.520 --> 00:49:03.720
to dogs, specifically,
and animals in general.

847
00:49:03.800 --> 00:49:06.840
I live with three dogs.
Some summers, I have five or six.

848
00:49:06.920 --> 00:49:10.680
Plus I've symbolically adopted a donkey,
a chimp, a gorilla, an orangutan,

849
00:49:10.760 --> 00:49:12.520
"and a partridge in a pear tree."

850
00:49:12.600 --> 00:49:14.080
That got out of hand.

851
00:49:14.920 --> 00:49:15.920
Anyway,

852
00:49:17.440 --> 00:49:20.120
I'm not gonna give the typical speech

853
00:49:20.200 --> 00:49:22.040
about how dogs are better than people.

854
00:49:22.120 --> 00:49:25.360
No, that's too simplistic, right?

855
00:49:25.440 --> 00:49:28.080
But it is true that,
after living with them for so long,

856
00:49:28.160 --> 00:49:31.800
you notice little things that show
that they're better than us. A few things.

857
00:49:31.880 --> 00:49:33.680
I'll tell you a couple.

858
00:49:33.760 --> 00:49:36.960
Dogs don't have pockets,
and that's to their advantage

859
00:49:37.040 --> 00:49:40.200
because they live…
They don't care about material things.

860
00:49:41.560 --> 00:49:44.760
You're gonna go out. They say,
"You're putting my collar on? Fuck yeah."

861
00:49:45.680 --> 00:49:48.360
"You're putting on my harness, too?
Fuck yeah."

862
00:49:48.880 --> 00:49:52.440
"You're putting on my pink
glitter jacket? Well, fuck you."

863
00:49:52.520 --> 00:49:53.480
"But fine. Let's go."

864
00:49:54.080 --> 00:49:55.480
Plus, I can see it.

865
00:49:55.560 --> 00:49:59.560
When I close the door,
she looks at me like,

866
00:49:59.640 --> 00:50:02.240
"I wouldn't mind
if you left your keys in there."

867
00:50:03.520 --> 00:50:06.600
Or you got to the vet,
one of the most expensive things there is.

868
00:50:06.680 --> 00:50:10.920
The vet says, "All that'll be 300 euros."
I look at the three of them. They're like,

869
00:50:11.440 --> 00:50:12.600
"I don't have…"

870
00:50:13.440 --> 00:50:14.480
And the other one…

871
00:50:19.400 --> 00:50:20.760
"I just rolled out of bed."

872
00:50:22.680 --> 00:50:24.160
There's another aspect

873
00:50:24.240 --> 00:50:27.080
in which dogs are superior to us.

874
00:50:27.160 --> 00:50:28.840
Dogs and cats, too.

875
00:50:28.920 --> 00:50:32.760
Male dogs and cats, female dogs and cats.
Non-binary dogs and cats, all right?

876
00:50:33.400 --> 00:50:36.120
I'm sure lots of you have thought
about this before

877
00:50:36.200 --> 00:50:37.800
because it's classic.

878
00:50:37.880 --> 00:50:40.000
I hope there aren't any kids in the room.

879
00:50:40.520 --> 00:50:43.520
Dogs and cats have the ability

880
00:50:44.160 --> 00:50:45.160
to

881
00:50:45.720 --> 00:50:46.600
lick

882
00:50:47.360 --> 00:50:48.480
their bits.

883
00:50:53.080 --> 00:50:54.120
Someone went,

884
00:50:56.440 --> 00:50:57.640
"Are you sure?"

885
00:51:00.200 --> 00:51:02.240
My dog Buyo is an expert at that.

886
00:51:02.320 --> 00:51:04.040
I adopted him second.

887
00:51:04.120 --> 00:51:07.880
He's in there all day, getting after it,
putting in work, going to town.

888
00:51:07.960 --> 00:51:10.520
I look at him
with a mix of hatred and envy…

889
00:51:11.920 --> 00:51:14.240
"Okay, Buyo. That's enough."
And he's going at it…

890
00:51:14.320 --> 00:51:18.400
He's getting back at me. I took his balls,
so he's like, "Let's polish this dick."

891
00:51:18.480 --> 00:51:19.360
I'm like, "But…"

892
00:51:20.480 --> 00:51:22.240
And he keeps going.

893
00:51:23.880 --> 00:51:26.240
He can go a good 20 minutes.

894
00:51:26.320 --> 00:51:29.960
Once his back is warmed up, it's ass time.
And I'm like, "Goddamn!"

895
00:51:30.440 --> 00:51:32.080
I often ask myself,

896
00:51:32.160 --> 00:51:34.880
"Doesn't he feel embarrassed,
doing that in front of people?"

897
00:51:34.960 --> 00:51:38.040
Embarrassed? A dog? Embarrassed?

898
00:51:39.040 --> 00:51:42.160
An animal that can look you
straight in the eye while shitting.

899
00:51:45.720 --> 00:51:47.800
When's the last time you eye contact shat?

900
00:51:47.880 --> 00:51:49.120
You can't remember, right?

901
00:51:49.200 --> 00:51:50.360
They're better than us.

902
00:51:51.680 --> 00:51:53.240
Here's a rhetorical question.

903
00:51:54.320 --> 00:51:57.320
If you could lick your bits, would you?

904
00:52:00.160 --> 00:52:01.040
Food for thought.

905
00:52:02.400 --> 00:52:04.480
I'll let you think about that one.

906
00:52:04.560 --> 00:52:06.240
Of course, you won't answer now,

907
00:52:06.320 --> 00:52:08.880
but, tomorrow,
over breakfast with your mother…

908
00:52:08.960 --> 00:52:11.080
Classic table talk. "Hey, Mom. Would you…"

909
00:52:13.000 --> 00:52:15.120
Here's another question, all right?

910
00:52:15.600 --> 00:52:18.400
This one is just for the guys

911
00:52:18.480 --> 00:52:20.720
that said "yes" to the first question.

912
00:52:21.560 --> 00:52:24.480
Okay? You guys that would do it…

913
00:52:24.560 --> 00:52:26.000
Okay? Get ready for it.

914
00:52:28.520 --> 00:52:31.480
I only see the top half of your face,
but it looks pretty naughty.

915
00:52:33.360 --> 00:52:34.840
You're one of the chosen ones.

916
00:52:37.040 --> 00:52:39.320
If you could lick your bits,

917
00:52:39.400 --> 00:52:41.480
and you would do it, the question is,

918
00:52:45.520 --> 00:52:46.840
would there be a heads up?

919
00:52:51.320 --> 00:52:52.920
Think on it. No need to answer.

920
00:52:53.000 --> 00:52:54.880
That's very personal,

921
00:52:54.960 --> 00:52:57.480
but I love making you think a little bit.

922
00:52:58.560 --> 00:53:00.520
I'll tell you what I'd do.

923
00:53:01.160 --> 00:53:02.840
I don't care. I got nothing to lose.

924
00:53:03.480 --> 00:53:06.920
I just got back from saying
"Fuck you" to St. Peter. You think I care?

925
00:53:07.760 --> 00:53:10.160
For example, if I could, would I?

926
00:53:10.240 --> 00:53:12.000
Obviously!

927
00:53:13.480 --> 00:53:18.240
I've been doing it since 19--
I've been trying to do it since 1991.

928
00:53:19.320 --> 00:53:22.840
I've given it my all,
but I'm just not that flexible.

929
00:53:24.400 --> 00:53:28.160
I think that, in some cases,
the spine is overrated.

930
00:53:28.680 --> 00:53:30.760
I've never seen
a sad slug in my entire life.

931
00:53:31.840 --> 00:53:32.880
Now,

932
00:53:34.160 --> 00:53:35.840
with respect to the second question,

933
00:53:36.520 --> 00:53:38.400
if I could and would…

934
00:53:41.080 --> 00:53:41.920
that heads up…

935
00:53:51.040 --> 00:53:51.880
No.

936
00:53:55.040 --> 00:53:58.640
I'd keep quiet like a bitch.

937
00:53:58.720 --> 00:54:02.760
I'd create my own sustainability loop.

938
00:54:02.840 --> 00:54:04.640
I supply.

939
00:54:04.720 --> 00:54:06.240
I demand.

940
00:54:07.040 --> 00:54:11.600
Since I'm vegan,
a little bit of protein wouldn't hurt.

941
00:54:13.840 --> 00:54:16.600
And when I finish, a kiss on the cheek
and nighty night.

942
00:54:16.680 --> 00:54:18.240
Come on! Of course!

943
00:54:20.040 --> 00:54:21.920
Of course, I would!

944
00:54:25.400 --> 00:54:26.800
It's all yours.

945
00:54:31.480 --> 00:54:34.400
Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you.

946
00:54:35.680 --> 00:54:37.880
Be a good Christian.

947
00:54:42.800 --> 00:54:44.000
Forgive me.

948
00:54:44.080 --> 00:54:46.160
I'm sorry I'm so unhinged today.

949
00:54:46.240 --> 00:54:48.800
I'm saying stuff
you wouldn't expect me to say.

950
00:54:48.880 --> 00:54:50.800
Maybe some of you are disappointed.

951
00:54:51.440 --> 00:54:53.240
But it is what it is.

952
00:54:54.360 --> 00:54:57.760
I hate lots of things, too.
I know that's wrong,

953
00:54:57.840 --> 00:55:00.200
but everybody hates stuff.
I hate, I don't know,

954
00:55:01.720 --> 00:55:05.440
I hate waiting in line, man.
I can't do it.

955
00:55:05.520 --> 00:55:08.080
I hate when my neighbor
starts renovating at 8:00 a.m.

956
00:55:08.160 --> 00:55:10.200
I lose it.
I'd kill him with my bare hands.

957
00:55:10.280 --> 00:55:12.760
I hate when my toast gets cold.

958
00:55:12.840 --> 00:55:16.520
I hate when I get out of the shower
and need to poop.

959
00:55:16.600 --> 00:55:18.080
I'm like, "Goddamn it."

960
00:55:23.360 --> 00:55:26.040
But as a human being,
there's something worse.

961
00:55:26.120 --> 00:55:29.440
Hating people, not just situations.

962
00:55:30.040 --> 00:55:31.440
Well, I hate people.

963
00:55:32.040 --> 00:55:35.960
But it's worse than that. When I confess
that I hate specific people,

964
00:55:36.040 --> 00:55:38.360
they're people that nobody hates.

965
00:55:38.440 --> 00:55:40.880
But I can't stand them. I'm sorry.
I need to confess.

966
00:55:40.960 --> 00:55:42.080
I'm letting it all out.

967
00:55:42.960 --> 00:55:44.920
I want you to know who I am.

968
00:55:45.560 --> 00:55:47.080
I hate Rafa Nadal.

969
00:55:48.240 --> 00:55:49.960
I hate him to the core.

970
00:55:50.040 --> 00:55:52.320
Not just now.
I've hated him since the beginning.

971
00:55:52.400 --> 00:55:53.440
I can't stand him!

972
00:55:53.520 --> 00:55:54.760
Rafa Nadal.

973
00:55:54.840 --> 00:55:57.720
"The best athlete of all time."
"The best Spanish athlete."

974
00:55:57.800 --> 00:56:00.080
Kids love him. Moms love him…

975
00:56:00.160 --> 00:56:03.160
He sets a good example.
He's handsome, dignified, ethical, polite.

976
00:56:03.240 --> 00:56:05.280
Twenty Grand Slams! Twenty!

977
00:56:05.360 --> 00:56:09.240
Why do you need so many Grand Slams?
Spread the love around.

978
00:56:11.760 --> 00:56:13.040
For fuck's sake!

979
00:56:13.120 --> 00:56:15.800
A few years ago, in France,

980
00:56:15.880 --> 00:56:17.560
I'm not sure, I think he was reported

981
00:56:17.640 --> 00:56:20.800
'cause they said he was doping
in a tournament, the Roland Garros.

982
00:56:20.880 --> 00:56:23.760
Imagine what it was like
leading up to the trial.

983
00:56:24.400 --> 00:56:26.680
What the poor guy went through,
the defamation…

984
00:56:26.760 --> 00:56:27.880
Then, the trial.

985
00:56:27.960 --> 00:56:30.680
Obviously, Nadal won
because he hadn't been doping.

986
00:56:30.760 --> 00:56:33.680
And they had to pay him some serious dough

987
00:56:33.760 --> 00:56:36.640
for damaging his reputation,
image, and whatever.

988
00:56:36.720 --> 00:56:40.320
Do you know what he did with the money?
With that fat check? Do you?

989
00:56:40.840 --> 00:56:42.680
He donated it to a French NGO.

990
00:56:42.760 --> 00:56:45.600
Doesn't he deserve
a forehand to the fucking face?

991
00:56:46.760 --> 00:56:49.720
Fucking Rafa Nadal. Mallorca's flooded,
and there he is.

992
00:56:49.800 --> 00:56:52.920
There he is, cleaning it up.
Is there no one else in Mallorca?

993
00:56:53.000 --> 00:56:54.920
There's no one else. You have to be there.

994
00:56:55.400 --> 00:56:57.120
With 20 Grand Slams in your house.

995
00:57:00.280 --> 00:57:02.240
I hate Meryl Streep. I hate her.

996
00:57:02.320 --> 00:57:04.400
Meryl Streep Fighter 2. I hate her.

997
00:57:05.680 --> 00:57:09.800
The best actress of all time.
Every performance is authentic, organic.

998
00:57:09.880 --> 00:57:12.480
Everything, all her movies. All of them.

999
00:57:12.560 --> 00:57:15.280
Plus, she's an activist, a feminist.
She's committed.

1000
00:57:15.800 --> 00:57:17.760
All her movies are up for Oscars.

1001
00:57:17.840 --> 00:57:21.000
Enough already, Jesus! Stop being so good!

1002
00:57:21.080 --> 00:57:22.360
It's disgusting.

1003
00:57:23.960 --> 00:57:26.000
What about Angelina Jolie?

1004
00:57:27.240 --> 00:57:29.880
In addition to being a great actress,
she's smoking hot.

1005
00:57:29.960 --> 00:57:32.320
At what age will she stop being so hot?

1006
00:57:35.400 --> 00:57:37.960
She's got a genius level IQ,

1007
00:57:38.040 --> 00:57:42.840
and she goes around, picking up
homeless kids. "Come on, let's go home."

1008
00:57:43.600 --> 00:57:46.080
She's got 'em in every color except blue!

1009
00:57:53.640 --> 00:57:54.840
I hate Broncano!

1010
00:57:58.640 --> 00:58:00.120
I hate Vicente del Bosque!

1011
00:58:01.280 --> 00:58:02.600
I hate Clara Lago!

1012
00:58:03.360 --> 00:58:04.920
I hate Sergio Dalma!

1013
00:58:06.680 --> 00:58:09.280
I hate that asshole, Antonio Banderas!

1014
00:58:16.440 --> 00:58:17.480
I've had it!

1015
00:58:21.600 --> 00:58:22.760
I saw him the other day.

1016
00:58:22.840 --> 00:58:26.000
He's 20 years older than me but could be
my little brother. Fuck him!

1017
00:58:30.680 --> 00:58:34.280
But if there's someone over whom I'd pump…

1018
00:58:36.880 --> 00:58:38.000
or dump…

1019
00:58:42.720 --> 00:58:44.360
No, excuse me.

1020
00:58:45.560 --> 00:58:47.120
They both work.

1021
00:58:48.240 --> 00:58:52.240
Yeah, depending on
which end you want it to come out of.

1022
00:58:56.520 --> 00:58:59.080
Anyway, if there is one person, over whom

1023
00:58:59.800 --> 00:59:01.080
I would give a pour

1024
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:03.120
or au pair…

1025
00:59:05.560 --> 00:59:08.240
of all my hate and contempt,
without a doubt,

1026
00:59:09.200 --> 00:59:10.160
that person is

1027
00:59:10.640 --> 00:59:11.960
Hugh Jackman.

1028
00:59:14.320 --> 00:59:17.360
I can't stand him.
He's my arch enemy, my nemesis.

1029
00:59:18.640 --> 00:59:19.920
This is Hugh Jackman.

1030
00:59:23.720 --> 00:59:24.640
There he is.

1031
00:59:25.800 --> 00:59:27.800
International, Australian, actor,

1032
00:59:27.880 --> 00:59:29.240
Hollywood, fame.

1033
00:59:30.480 --> 00:59:32.480
For many years, in tons of magazines,

1034
00:59:32.560 --> 00:59:35.720
he's been called the most handsome,
attractive man in the world.

1035
00:59:35.800 --> 00:59:36.640
Look at him.

1036
00:59:37.400 --> 00:59:38.880
That facial symmetry.

1037
00:59:40.480 --> 00:59:42.360
Those godlike features.

1038
00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:47.200
That physique,
chiseled by the gods of Olympus.

1039
00:59:47.280 --> 00:59:51.680
Those pores,
each one oozing with Stendhal syndrome.

1040
00:59:54.200 --> 00:59:56.400
That fucker washes
his shirts with his abs.

1041
00:59:58.760 --> 01:00:00.280
And one day, I felt like saying,

1042
01:00:00.360 --> 01:00:03.440
"He's not that handsome. He isn't."

1043
01:00:04.480 --> 01:00:05.720
So I compared myself.

1044
01:00:09.960 --> 01:00:11.280
Then the hate started.

1045
01:00:12.840 --> 01:00:15.360
That's how the saying goes, right?
Comparison breeds hate.

1046
01:00:17.200 --> 01:00:18.160
This is how it started.

1047
01:00:22.960 --> 01:00:25.360
No worries, you can laugh. I'm over it.

1048
01:00:26.000 --> 01:00:27.440
Plenty of years of therapy.

1049
01:00:27.520 --> 01:00:29.360
I know it's overwhelming at first, like,

1050
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:32.440
"How can they be from the same species,
yet so different?"

1051
01:00:33.160 --> 01:00:34.320
They have the same parts!

1052
01:00:34.400 --> 01:00:37.960
Maybe you need to get into the details.
Don't worry, I'll analyze it for you.

1053
01:00:38.040 --> 01:00:40.920
You'll see why we're so different.
I have a thing, lots of 'em.

1054
01:00:41.640 --> 01:00:43.400
But we'd be here for four hours.

1055
01:00:43.480 --> 01:00:46.160
My eyes, for example. My eyes.

1056
01:00:50.040 --> 01:00:51.760
I hope this gets subtitled.

1057
01:00:53.520 --> 01:00:54.480
My eyes.

1058
01:00:54.960 --> 01:00:58.920
The thing is,
my eyes are small, very small.

1059
01:00:59.000 --> 01:01:00.680
Small and close together, right?

1060
01:01:00.760 --> 01:01:02.440
Very small, very close.

1061
01:01:02.520 --> 01:01:06.440
If they were
any bit closer together, you'd say,

1062
01:01:06.520 --> 01:01:08.280
"Something's wrong with him."

1063
01:01:16.520 --> 01:01:18.760
I can't watch 3D movies.

1064
01:01:18.840 --> 01:01:21.760
The glasses are too wide.
I can't get a lens over each eye.

1065
01:01:21.840 --> 01:01:24.680
I don't perceive depth.
It's not worth the ticket price.

1066
01:01:26.880 --> 01:01:28.960
I can't get fat, ma'am. I can't.

1067
01:01:29.040 --> 01:01:32.520
If I do, my faces gets fat,
but my eyes stay small and close together.

1068
01:01:32.600 --> 01:01:34.440
My face gets away from me.

1069
01:01:35.280 --> 01:01:38.760
My face looks like
the holes of a clown button.

1070
01:01:41.520 --> 01:01:43.840
And my nose? How about my nose?

1071
01:01:44.520 --> 01:01:47.960
People don't notice my nose
'cause there are big ones in this country.

1072
01:01:48.040 --> 01:01:49.600
But look out for mine.

1073
01:01:49.680 --> 01:01:52.520
I have a little kid's elbow
glued to my face.

1074
01:01:54.360 --> 01:01:55.760
Watch out.

1075
01:01:56.400 --> 01:01:58.920
It'd take me three trips
to clear out a glasses store.

1076
01:02:05.640 --> 01:02:08.200
I've never had glasses fall of my face.

1077
01:02:08.880 --> 01:02:11.560
Fucking never,
and I got punched as a kid, okay?

1078
01:02:11.640 --> 01:02:14.280
Always the same side.
That's why it's bent.

1079
01:02:15.360 --> 01:02:16.720
When I was little,

1080
01:02:16.800 --> 01:02:19.920
I was part of a swim club in Málaga.

1081
01:02:20.480 --> 01:02:23.480
In the summer we'd go
to Misericordia Beach to swim.

1082
01:02:24.280 --> 01:02:26.520
And, of course,
my specialty was backstroke.

1083
01:02:27.920 --> 01:02:31.240
But I had to switch.
When I did it, my friends went…

1084
01:02:34.040 --> 01:02:35.720
I was like, "Stop it, you dicks!"

1085
01:02:36.920 --> 01:02:39.240
"Okay, everybody swim
to the buoy and back."

1086
01:02:39.320 --> 01:02:40.360
I'd never go.

1087
01:02:40.440 --> 01:02:43.720
Since my keel's bent, I'd go in circles
like an amputee in a canoe.

1088
01:02:46.960 --> 01:02:49.080
And, it's sharp.

1089
01:02:49.160 --> 01:02:51.240
If you get close, you'll see it's sharp.

1090
01:02:51.320 --> 01:02:55.120
You're like, "No big deal."
No, it is a big deal sometimes. It is.

1091
01:02:56.400 --> 01:02:57.480
"No way." And I'm like…

1092
01:02:59.200 --> 01:03:00.920
There have been times when…

1093
01:03:06.080 --> 01:03:09.160
I've had cunnilingus
turn into a C-section, calling 911.

1094
01:03:13.760 --> 01:03:17.160
And I didn't choose my worst photo.
This one's professional.

1095
01:03:17.240 --> 01:03:19.720
I used this for stand-up sets years ago.

1096
01:03:19.800 --> 01:03:23.000
After it had been circulating online
for two or three months,

1097
01:03:23.080 --> 01:03:25.320
I looked and realized it. "Hold on…

1098
01:03:29.840 --> 01:03:31.600
I'm missing an ear."

1099
01:03:36.960 --> 01:03:40.000
I'm like, "How? I'm looking
straight at the photographer."

1100
01:03:40.960 --> 01:03:42.960
As if I were looking there,
he said, "Dani!"

1101
01:03:43.040 --> 01:03:46.280
I turned, and he took the photo
before the rest of my body got there.

1102
01:03:47.800 --> 01:03:49.240
Am I Picasso's grandson?

1103
01:03:52.200 --> 01:03:54.320
So he's more handsome than me.
What can I say?

1104
01:03:54.400 --> 01:03:55.480
Hugh Jackman, one.

1105
01:03:55.960 --> 01:03:57.120
Dani Rovira, zero.

1106
01:03:57.600 --> 01:03:59.440
But it didn't end there.

1107
01:03:59.520 --> 01:04:01.440
This is when our battle began.

1108
01:04:01.520 --> 01:04:03.760
It was the start of an intense battle.

1109
01:04:03.840 --> 01:04:06.880
Every day, looking for things
that I was better at.

1110
01:04:06.960 --> 01:04:09.600
For years now--
He has no knowledge of this, okay?

1111
01:04:10.160 --> 01:04:11.080
It's my thing.

1112
01:04:11.600 --> 01:04:14.760
"I must be better at something,"
I thought. I'm super competitive.

1113
01:04:15.760 --> 01:04:17.520
I'm like, "Of course, dogs!"

1114
01:04:17.600 --> 01:04:20.480
I'm here in Spain, helping dogs

1115
01:04:20.560 --> 01:04:23.160
so they get adopted,
so they aren't abused or abandoned,

1116
01:04:23.240 --> 01:04:24.280
changing legislation…

1117
01:04:24.360 --> 01:04:26.720
I go, "I doubt
this guy also happens to be…"

1118
01:04:27.320 --> 01:04:28.200
Look.

1119
01:04:34.000 --> 01:04:36.040
First, this is from a paparazzi.

1120
01:04:36.120 --> 01:04:38.600
He never looks bad in paparazzi photos.

1121
01:04:38.680 --> 01:04:40.760
Look at him, all dressed up.

1122
01:04:40.840 --> 01:04:43.640
I wasn't even that dressed up
for my sister's wedding.

1123
01:04:44.200 --> 01:04:46.240
And look at those doggies.

1124
01:04:46.880 --> 01:04:49.640
With a vest, in case it's cold or rains.

1125
01:04:50.120 --> 01:04:51.720
Look at the booties. Look.

1126
01:04:51.800 --> 01:04:53.960
Look at the white one.

1127
01:04:54.880 --> 01:04:55.800
He's a surgeon.

1128
01:04:58.960 --> 01:05:00.920
He just performed a gallbladder surgery.

1129
01:05:03.040 --> 01:05:04.400
Or neutered a friend.

1130
01:05:10.680 --> 01:05:12.040
Then there's this guy.

1131
01:05:15.600 --> 01:05:18.520
I have no good paparazzi photos,
by the way.

1132
01:05:20.040 --> 01:05:21.240
Look at my clothes.

1133
01:05:21.320 --> 01:05:24.160
Winter, waist-up. Summer, waist-down.

1134
01:05:25.520 --> 01:05:29.040
They caught me with a shit bag in my hand.

1135
01:05:29.120 --> 01:05:31.400
That is a bag full of shit.

1136
01:05:32.040 --> 01:05:33.440
The trashcan was so close.

1137
01:05:33.520 --> 01:05:37.040
It makes you want to ask, "Paparazzi,
you couldn't have waited one minute?"

1138
01:05:38.120 --> 01:05:39.720
You can't fake glamour.

1139
01:05:40.600 --> 01:05:42.080
These are my two pooches.

1140
01:05:42.160 --> 01:05:44.920
The third one hadn't come
into my life yet.

1141
01:05:45.000 --> 01:05:47.400
The little brown guy is Buyo,
Mr. Auto-felatio.

1142
01:05:49.760 --> 01:05:51.640
And the black cartoon is Taterface.

1143
01:05:54.040 --> 01:05:55.480
I think that's her face.

1144
01:05:58.080 --> 01:05:59.880
Otherwise, she'd be going backwards.

1145
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:05.280
Back there's a guy from the 16th century.
He appeared after it was taken.

1146
01:06:07.200 --> 01:06:08.280
Hugh Jackman, two.

1147
01:06:08.880 --> 01:06:10.040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1148
01:06:10.680 --> 01:06:13.160
I'm like, "Man,
I gotta beat him at something."

1149
01:06:13.240 --> 01:06:15.800
I'm like "This one will be close."

1150
01:06:15.880 --> 01:06:18.880
Look, I'm 40. That's a solid age.

1151
01:06:18.960 --> 01:06:21.360
I'm fit. I exercise.

1152
01:06:21.440 --> 01:06:22.960
I'm more or less…

1153
01:06:23.040 --> 01:06:24.400
I'm in shape, right?

1154
01:06:25.000 --> 01:06:29.920
This guy's always been pretty buff,
but, shit, he's pushing 60.

1155
01:06:30.560 --> 01:06:32.440
Like that prick, Antonio Banderas.

1156
01:06:33.920 --> 01:06:37.040
I'm like, "Maybe,
we've currently reached an impasse,

1157
01:06:37.120 --> 01:06:39.960
where he dips a bit and I… Right?"

1158
01:06:40.040 --> 01:06:42.320
"And depending on the angle, maybe…"

1159
01:06:44.480 --> 01:06:46.200
This is from three years ago.

1160
01:06:53.280 --> 01:06:55.240
Yes, ma'am. You and I agree.

1161
01:06:56.120 --> 01:06:57.400
I'd fuck him, too.

1162
01:07:05.120 --> 01:07:08.240
These people are always beautiful.
Everything about him. His hair.

1163
01:07:08.320 --> 01:07:11.040
These people… No matter what he does,
his hair's fine.

1164
01:07:11.120 --> 01:07:13.400
Slap him in the face? His hair's fine.

1165
01:07:13.480 --> 01:07:15.480
Take his head out of the oven?
Hair's fine.

1166
01:07:15.960 --> 01:07:18.680
He's squinting from the sun,
but he looks handsome.

1167
01:07:18.760 --> 01:07:21.520
Damn it, he's handsome! What about this?

1168
01:07:23.440 --> 01:07:24.840
Flat abs…

1169
01:07:31.520 --> 01:07:32.440
Then this guy.

1170
01:07:44.120 --> 01:07:46.480
The sun's in my eyes, too. Okay?

1171
01:07:48.520 --> 01:07:50.920
But it must be a different time of day.

1172
01:07:52.880 --> 01:07:57.440
My hair's wet, too, but I look like…

1173
01:07:57.520 --> 01:07:59.120
a Roman caveman.

1174
01:08:03.240 --> 01:08:06.200
My teeth aren't big,
but here, I'm a beaver.

1175
01:08:06.280 --> 01:08:07.680
"Hello. I'm a beaver."

1176
01:08:08.240 --> 01:08:11.440
Just stick a padel racket up my ass,
and I'm a beaver.

1177
01:08:15.520 --> 01:08:17.200
Sunburned shoulders.

1178
01:08:17.760 --> 01:08:19.800
"How about a little fucking photoshop?"

1179
01:08:19.880 --> 01:08:21.840
"Make me all red or all white,

1180
01:08:21.920 --> 01:08:24.720
but not like that.
I look like strawberry ice cream."

1181
01:08:26.360 --> 01:08:30.200
I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame
fleeing the fire, all hunched over.

1182
01:08:30.280 --> 01:08:32.240
"I need to put my balls in water!"

1183
01:08:35.480 --> 01:08:39.040
The eight euro Carrefour swimsuit
with worn elastic.

1184
01:08:45.680 --> 01:08:47.840
I'm missing a fucking arm!

1185
01:08:59.800 --> 01:09:01.120
Hugh Jackman, three.

1186
01:09:02.880 --> 01:09:04.040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1187
01:09:05.960 --> 01:09:08.040
I'm like, "I can still win this."

1188
01:09:09.600 --> 01:09:11.680
There have been greater comebacks, right?

1189
01:09:14.000 --> 01:09:15.000
A few months later,

1190
01:09:16.360 --> 01:09:17.240
I found this.

1191
01:09:19.600 --> 01:09:24.160
Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars in 2009.

1192
01:09:24.240 --> 01:09:25.360
I saw it.

1193
01:09:25.960 --> 01:09:27.520
The best Oscars.

1194
01:09:28.200 --> 01:09:32.640
The best Oscars ever.
No one had ever hosted like that before.

1195
01:09:32.720 --> 01:09:34.960
Wow, this guy…

1196
01:09:35.040 --> 01:09:39.280
What a host! So classy! Such sharp comedy!

1197
01:09:39.360 --> 01:09:43.160
That six-foot guy could dance.
He could sing.

1198
01:09:43.240 --> 01:09:47.920
He was thrilling. When it was over,
he went, as if saying, "Nailed it."

1199
01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:50.640
The whole world fell at his feet.

1200
01:09:51.320 --> 01:09:52.640
No bad reviews.

1201
01:09:53.560 --> 01:09:54.600
Nailed it.

1202
01:09:59.080 --> 01:10:01.680
I hosted the Goya Awards
three years straight.

1203
01:10:02.840 --> 01:10:06.200
The first, second, and then the third,
so they'd be in order.

1204
01:10:10.880 --> 01:10:12.720
And I'd never been criticized like that.

1205
01:10:14.560 --> 01:10:17.160
Ever, in my entire life.

1206
01:10:17.240 --> 01:10:19.320
The next day, holy shit.

1207
01:10:21.040 --> 01:10:23.920
I came to Málaga to see my parents.

1208
01:10:27.280 --> 01:10:30.560
TV, radio, magazines,

1209
01:10:30.640 --> 01:10:34.760
critics, social media,
Thermomix, teletext.

1210
01:10:35.240 --> 01:10:37.800
I woke up one morning,
"Mom, that noise! Is it hailing?"

1211
01:10:37.880 --> 01:10:40.600
She goes "No, Dani, It's a shit storm.
Go back to sleep."

1212
01:10:40.680 --> 01:10:41.960
Come on!

1213
01:10:42.040 --> 01:10:45.840
Each show was over three hours long.
Three shows mean at least ten hours.

1214
01:10:45.920 --> 01:10:48.200
So, any good reviews?

1215
01:10:52.600 --> 01:10:54.120
Even the algorithms

1216
01:10:54.840 --> 01:10:56.000
are against me.

1217
01:10:57.480 --> 01:11:00.960
Type "Dani Rovira Goyas" in Google.

1218
01:11:01.040 --> 01:11:04.240
Go to Images.
This is the first one you see.

1219
01:11:09.960 --> 01:11:11.040
Hugh Jackman, four.

1220
01:11:12.760 --> 01:11:13.920
Dani Rovira, zero.

1221
01:11:15.040 --> 01:11:16.520
And when you let in four goals…

1222
01:11:18.520 --> 01:11:20.080
it's basically inevitable.

1223
01:11:21.920 --> 01:11:23.120
The fifth is coming.

1224
01:11:24.680 --> 01:11:27.720
The fifth hurts the most
'cause it's the last one.

1225
01:11:28.600 --> 01:11:32.280
And this is what hurts the most.

1226
01:11:37.680 --> 01:11:39.800
Hugh Jackman is

1227
01:11:40.400 --> 01:11:41.560
Wolverine.

1228
01:11:43.880 --> 01:11:47.440
The best comic book character of all time.

1229
01:11:48.520 --> 01:11:51.840
The damn mutant son of a bitch.

1230
01:11:53.680 --> 01:11:55.280
The Wolverine!

1231
01:11:57.000 --> 01:11:58.960
The claws.

1232
01:12:00.240 --> 01:12:02.160
The pheromones.

1233
01:12:03.680 --> 01:12:05.280
The wolf.

1234
01:12:07.200 --> 01:12:08.840
What a hairy beast.

1235
01:12:40.920 --> 01:12:41.920
What a shame.

1236
01:12:45.760 --> 01:12:46.760
What a shame.

1237
01:12:48.920 --> 01:12:50.680
No further questions, Your Honor.

1238
01:12:51.240 --> 01:12:52.440
Actually, yeah.

1239
01:12:52.520 --> 01:12:54.880
There's one more. One last question.

1240
01:12:54.960 --> 01:12:56.120
Here it comes.

1241
01:12:56.880 --> 01:12:58.640
You can answer. It's a simple one.

1242
01:12:58.720 --> 01:13:00.400
I would appreciate it if you did.

1243
01:13:02.360 --> 01:13:03.360
Did you laugh?

1244
01:13:03.440 --> 01:13:04.560
Yes!

1245
01:13:06.280 --> 01:13:07.280
Well, there you go.

1246
01:13:32.920 --> 01:13:34.600
Thank you very much.

1247
01:13:35.320 --> 01:13:39.120
Obviously, the applause goes both ways.

1248
01:13:39.200 --> 01:13:41.120
It's for you as well.

1249
01:13:41.960 --> 01:13:45.320
Today, we all reached our goal.

1250
01:13:45.400 --> 01:13:49.960
You came to laugh,
and I came to make you laugh.

1251
01:13:50.040 --> 01:13:52.200
And we did it. We all won,

1252
01:13:52.280 --> 01:13:53.560
and laughter won as well.

1253
01:13:54.280 --> 01:13:58.080
And trust me. It doesn't matter at all

1254
01:13:59.040 --> 01:14:00.760
why you laughed.

1255
01:14:00.840 --> 01:14:05.600
It doesn't matter if what I've said
up here is true or false.

1256
01:14:06.080 --> 01:14:07.080
It doesn't matter

1257
01:14:07.160 --> 01:14:11.000
if I was right or wrong
in anything that I said.

1258
01:14:11.080 --> 01:14:14.920
It doesn't matter
if you agree or disagree.

1259
01:14:16.040 --> 01:14:20.240
You laughed because laughter is so magical
that it's above it all.

1260
01:14:20.320 --> 01:14:21.560
Do you really think--

1261
01:14:22.520 --> 01:14:25.880
Do you really think I have all the hate

1262
01:14:25.960 --> 01:14:28.320
that I defended all night on this stage?

1263
01:14:30.520 --> 01:14:35.040
Thank you for your vote of confidence,
but I must confess that I've had it.

1264
01:14:35.760 --> 01:14:37.000
I've hated a lot.

1265
01:14:37.080 --> 01:14:39.320
Even up until very recently.

1266
01:14:40.520 --> 01:14:43.440
But I realized something very recently.

1267
01:14:43.520 --> 01:14:46.120
Hate gets you nowhere.

1268
01:14:46.760 --> 01:14:50.240
Hate is a waste of time,
a waste of energy.

1269
01:14:50.320 --> 01:14:54.960
Hate gets you ulcers, stress,
and even illnesses.

1270
01:14:56.160 --> 01:15:00.200
Do you really think all the people
I spoke about on this stage…

1271
01:15:00.280 --> 01:15:01.920
Do you think I hate

1272
01:15:02.000 --> 01:15:06.000
Sergio Dalma, Rafa Nadal, Hugh Jackman,

1273
01:15:06.080 --> 01:15:08.400
Antonio Banderas, Broncano, Clara Lago

1274
01:15:08.480 --> 01:15:10.920
or Vicente del Bosque? Do you, really?

1275
01:15:13.000 --> 01:15:15.320
I'd need 100 theaters like this one

1276
01:15:16.600 --> 01:15:19.280
to contain
all the admiration I have for them.

1277
01:15:20.080 --> 01:15:21.680
In fact, here's a secret.

1278
01:15:21.760 --> 01:15:25.720
When I started writing this show,
I didn't know how it would go.

1279
01:15:25.800 --> 01:15:27.720
I grabbed a pen and notebook

1280
01:15:27.800 --> 01:15:31.320
and started writing down
all the people I admire most.

1281
01:15:32.360 --> 01:15:34.480
From all walks of life.

1282
01:15:34.560 --> 01:15:38.040
Actors, actresses, singers,
scientists, poets.

1283
01:15:38.120 --> 01:15:42.480
Even anonymous people, my neighbors.
An almost infinite list.

1284
01:15:42.560 --> 01:15:45.760
Not everyone fit,
but do you know what I called it?

1285
01:15:46.800 --> 01:15:49.720
My list of Halley's Comets.

1286
01:15:51.200 --> 01:15:54.520
I thought, "We're so lucky
to be able to live,

1287
01:15:54.600 --> 01:15:58.200
surrounded by all these Halley's Comets."

1288
01:15:58.280 --> 01:16:02.320
Because, ultimately,
their existence makes our lives better.

1289
01:16:02.400 --> 01:16:05.600
They make us happier, they inspire us,
entertain us,

1290
01:16:05.680 --> 01:16:07.360
they help us to be better.

1291
01:16:08.080 --> 01:16:11.720
That's why I feel really bad
for people that grab stones

1292
01:16:12.560 --> 01:16:14.400
and throw them at Halley's Comets.

1293
01:16:15.840 --> 01:16:18.880
I thought it was absurd at first.
"You'll never hit a comet."

1294
01:16:18.960 --> 01:16:20.840
But sometimes it happens.

1295
01:16:21.440 --> 01:16:24.120
Sometimes it does, and, maybe one day,

1296
01:16:24.200 --> 01:16:28.040
you hit one and become the first asshole
to knock a Halley's Comet out of the sky.

1297
01:16:29.120 --> 01:16:33.600
We should never try to be like them.
When they were born, they broke the mold.

1298
01:16:34.200 --> 01:16:36.880
We'd drive ourselves crazy trying.
It's impossible.

1299
01:16:36.960 --> 01:16:38.640
Hopefully, one day,

1300
01:16:39.200 --> 01:16:41.320
we can end up being ourselves.

1301
01:16:41.920 --> 01:16:43.240
That would be a real victory.

1302
01:16:43.320 --> 01:16:46.640
Meanwhile, while we're working on it,
let's relax.

1303
01:16:47.120 --> 01:16:50.960
Let's calm down.
Let's stop competing with each other.

1304
01:16:51.040 --> 01:16:53.960
Compete against yourself
to be a little better than yesterday.

1305
01:16:54.040 --> 01:16:56.400
And let yourself have a bad day.
It's fine.

1306
01:16:57.000 --> 01:17:00.280
And, if you happen to be number one
in something, great.

1307
01:17:00.360 --> 01:17:01.560
My hat's off to you.

1308
01:17:01.640 --> 01:17:04.600
But if you're number 1534
in that thing, that's great, too.

1309
01:17:04.680 --> 01:17:06.880
You'll be much happier.

1310
01:17:06.960 --> 01:17:08.760
So much envy and hate.

1311
01:17:08.840 --> 01:17:12.080
Envy is mismanaged admiration.

1312
01:17:12.160 --> 01:17:14.680
Take your envy, your hate, your fear,

1313
01:17:14.760 --> 01:17:17.240
all your shit, put it here and channel it

1314
01:17:17.320 --> 01:17:20.360
into something that is worth it.

1315
01:17:21.480 --> 01:17:24.840
Hate is for cowards.
Do you know what the brave do?

1316
01:17:24.920 --> 01:17:26.920
The say "I love you." That's what.

1317
01:17:27.000 --> 01:17:30.240
So get up, go home,
grab your mom by the collar, your father,

1318
01:17:30.320 --> 01:17:32.560
tell them you love them.

1319
01:17:32.640 --> 01:17:36.560
Tell your siblings,
friends, dogs, roommates.

1320
01:17:36.640 --> 01:17:39.760
Say, "I love you." There's nothing braver.

1321
01:17:39.840 --> 01:17:42.760
I want to share my life
with people that say, "I love you."

1322
01:17:42.840 --> 01:17:46.600
That's why I'm dedicating this show
to the most important person in my life.

1323
01:17:46.680 --> 01:17:48.640
Wherever you are, you're my inspiration.

1324
01:17:48.720 --> 01:17:50.920
This is for you. I love you, Messi!

1325
01:18:12.440 --> 01:18:14.240
Thanks so much, Málaga!

1326
01:18:57.200 --> 01:18:58.640
Thank you very much.

1327
01:19:11.840 --> 01:19:12.680
Just--

1328
01:19:13.280 --> 01:19:15.080
Thank you, really. Just,

1329
01:19:15.680 --> 01:19:17.160
just one more thing.

1330
01:19:17.240 --> 01:19:20.720
Before we go, I want to thank you
for deciding and making the effort

1331
01:19:20.800 --> 01:19:22.320
to come to the theater.

1332
01:19:22.400 --> 01:19:25.560
I always say that,
but even more so in these times,

1333
01:19:25.640 --> 01:19:29.640
because, ultimately,
it's a fact that live theater, movies,

1334
01:19:29.720 --> 01:19:33.680
wherever we can enjoy culture are
some of the safest places

1335
01:19:33.760 --> 01:19:35.000
on Earth right now.

1336
01:19:35.080 --> 01:19:38.320
Thank you so much for your courage
and commitment.

1337
01:19:38.400 --> 01:19:41.200
And when people come to see me live,

1338
01:19:41.280 --> 01:19:45.360
I like to give them one last tidbit
to get to know me better.

1339
01:19:45.440 --> 01:19:48.520
Above all, I hope
this gift helps you throughout life.

1340
01:19:48.600 --> 01:19:52.400
Maybe this is a little more familiar
to people in Málaga.

1341
01:19:52.480 --> 01:19:54.160
I'll start packing my props.

1342
01:20:00.280 --> 01:20:01.680
Before I run out of time.

1343
01:20:04.960 --> 01:20:06.600
I started out as a storyteller.

1344
01:20:07.120 --> 01:20:10.600
In fact,
I started out at a tea shop nearby.

1345
01:20:11.120 --> 01:20:13.360
In the Mártires Square,
the El Harén Tea Shop.

1346
01:20:13.440 --> 01:20:16.680
I spent many years telling stories
before I became a comic.

1347
01:20:16.760 --> 01:20:18.760
I could tell… I don't know,

1348
01:20:19.240 --> 01:20:22.800
five hundred different stories
at one point. They were all special.

1349
01:20:22.880 --> 01:20:26.640
But I remember, one day,
I thought of a really short one.

1350
01:20:26.720 --> 01:20:29.360
It really affected me.

1351
01:20:29.440 --> 01:20:31.080
I kept it to myself.

1352
01:20:31.160 --> 01:20:33.880
It went with me everywhere.

1353
01:20:33.960 --> 01:20:39.440
As a kid, I kept it close to my chest,
like we say in Málaga.

1354
01:20:39.520 --> 01:20:41.560
I didn't tell it much.

1355
01:20:41.640 --> 01:20:45.560
I told it on very special occasions
to very special people.

1356
01:20:45.640 --> 01:20:48.120
But you grow up and learn,

1357
01:20:48.200 --> 01:20:49.960
those should go hand in hand.

1358
01:20:50.440 --> 01:20:55.120
And I learned something
from reading a sentence some guy wrote.

1359
01:20:56.360 --> 01:20:57.440
Ghandi, whoops.

1360
01:21:03.240 --> 01:21:04.400
It went,

1361
01:21:05.280 --> 01:21:08.440
"You only lose what you cling to."

1362
01:21:09.200 --> 01:21:12.120
So I want to give you this little story

1363
01:21:12.200 --> 01:21:16.920
so you can tell it wherever you go.

1364
01:21:17.000 --> 01:21:19.480
I'll also say
it's a pre-coronavirus story.

1365
01:21:19.560 --> 01:21:21.760
Maybe this isn't the best time to tell it,

1366
01:21:21.840 --> 01:21:24.680
but just imagine the story will last
for years to come.

1367
01:21:24.760 --> 01:21:26.560
It's my gift to you. Enjoy.

1368
01:21:27.360 --> 01:21:28.720
It goes like this,

1369
01:21:31.240 --> 01:21:32.760
"In a tiny village,

1370
01:21:34.440 --> 01:21:35.880
all the villagers

1371
01:21:35.960 --> 01:21:38.680
awoke one morning
with sugar on their lips."

1372
01:21:39.360 --> 01:21:40.400
"But that morning,

1373
01:21:41.120 --> 01:21:42.720
the only people that realized it

1374
01:21:43.320 --> 01:21:45.960
were those that wanted to kiss someone."

1375
01:21:46.640 --> 01:21:48.600
So, my friends go out there

1376
01:21:48.680 --> 01:21:51.160
and look for sugar
and sweetness in every corner.

1377
01:21:51.240 --> 01:21:52.720
Don't get bitter

1378
01:21:53.400 --> 01:21:54.760
because life is beautiful.