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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-Daniel, good morning.
-Good morning, Manolo.

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-Your coffee.
-And the toast.

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Here's your coffee.

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-Thanks.
-And your toast with olive oil.

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Bon appetite.

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Thanks, man.

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HATE

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Shit.

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-Put it on my tab. I'm running late.
-No worries.

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Come on, Bruno!

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Shit.

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HATE
BY DANI ROVIRA

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All right, see you later. Bye.

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What's that?

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Right, no mask.

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Okay, let's go.

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HATE
BY DANI ROVIRA

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You can't even imagine

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how excited I am
to be here today in Málaga

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after surviving and turning 40. Fuck yeah!

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Look at how

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when you've gone through chemo,
you gotta show any hair you've got.

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Look. Check it out.

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Wild, right? I almost…

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That was a close one.

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For a second there,

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I spent the whole year
negotiating with Saint Peter.

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He says, "Come up, Dani."
I'm like, "Come down, same distance."

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He says, "Come up!" I say, "Come down!"
He says, "I'm swamped this year. Come on!"

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I say, "I'm not really…"

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"Dani, if you don't,
your hair will fall out."

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I'm like, "Fine. Deal."

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I was too lazy to die.

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So, thank you all for coming.

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I guess there's a reason
we're at this theater today, right?

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You all came here to laugh, right?

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And as a comedian,

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I'm here to give you those laughs, right?

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That's our agreement, isn't it?

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As you can see, today's sort of special
because there are cameras.

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This is being recorded.

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It's going to be a Netflix special
that will be streamed

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in over 1,700 countries.

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How many countries are there?
A ton of countries.

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A ton of countries.

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But here's the thing.

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Over the past few years,

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people, damn,
especially comedians, have had it rough

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because everyone gets offended
over so many things.

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They get offended over every little thing.

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So since people
around the world will watch this,

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this is for those who may get offended

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over something
I may ultimately say here today. Okay?

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So, for those people who may get offended,

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I wanted to say this.

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We've gone through a global pandemic.

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Actually, we're still in it.

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They declared
a state of emergency in Spain.

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We were all on lockdown.

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Two days later,
I was diagnosed with cancer.

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Eight chemo sessions.

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One every 15 days.

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Six hours of pumping shit into my body.

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A liter and a half of poison.

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When I got home,
I felt like I got hit by a car.

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Not a truck. That would've killed me.

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My hair fell out.

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I lost weight, vomited.

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Eighteen radiation treatment sessions.

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My chest and larynx smelled
like fried chicken.

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And I'm vegan.

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When I was done, I went to Greece
to make a movie about refugees,

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hurricanes, fires, sea accidents.

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I got a serious ear infection.

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I came back to Madrid

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for my birthday,
but I was on lockdown in the mountains.

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I spent my birthday alone.

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Now you're telling me

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you're offended over some little joke?
Let me tell you something.

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You can suck my balls
from the front and from the back.

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Anyway…

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It's hot in here.

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So,

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let's get started.

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In fact,
some people may already be offended.

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Lots of people will say,
disappointed people,

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they'll say, "Jesus, Dani!"

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"Didn't you go vegan?"

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"So what's this?"

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"What's this?"

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It's pleather.

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I had to kill some plants to make it.
Tipping the scales of justice.

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Yeah, I've gone vegan.

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There you have it. I'm vegan.

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A lot of people say, "Jesus, Dani,
why would you want to suffer like that?"

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And I say, "Well, to each his own."
People still like Málaga's soccer team.

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We're free to choose how we suffer.

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Yeah, I went vegan.
It's crazy when you go vegan.

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Tons of people
are suddenly concerned about your health.

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Of course, these are people that studied
nutrition, a five-year degree,

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especially them.

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The other day, this fat guy comes up
to me and asks,

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"Dani, what do you do about protein?"

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"The same as you, when you forget
your defibrillator."

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"Trying to survive."

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Then I gave him a kiss and said,
"See you tomorrow, Dad." So…

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I want to start by talking about a concept
that many people don't know about.

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Your original laugh.

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Your original laugh
is the one that you're born with.

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Everyone has one.

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You may decide to change it
over the course of your life

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because you like your friend's laugh
and copy it,

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or maybe you have a laugh

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that isn't attractive.
You're embarrassed by it.

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Let's say

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you're an ambassador,

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a diplomat, or something.
You have important meetings.

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If this is your original laugh,

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then I get it

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if you want to change it.

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But even so, I'm a big fan of the people
that keep their original laugh.

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A few years ago, I went to a party.

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I said something, and some guy thought
it was really funny.

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He had
the most spectacular original laugh.

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I can't remember what I said,
but I look at him. He goes…

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I was like, "What a lovely laugh!"

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I spent the whole night telling him jokes,

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farting, falling on the floor,
doing everything I could

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to keep him laughing.

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He had such a gorgeous, spontaneous laugh.

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He'd go like this,

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clenching his fists.

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Like when you're walking,
and they try to sell you rosemary,

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and you walk by saying, "No."

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His laugh came from a deep place,

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almost ancestral.

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It was like Pachamama's ancestors

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were laughing through you.

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And then he'd throw his head back
like he was missing a spine.

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Like PEZ dispensers. Do you remember them?

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I bet I could grab
some candy from his throat.

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What a pretty laugh.

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Original laughs aren't unique, you know?

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People in other parts
of the world laugh like you.

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Really, it happens.

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You know who has that laugh?

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Messi.

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You know who Messi is, right?

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I don't know much about soccer.
I like it less and less.

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But we all agree that Messi is
the best soccer player in the world.

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Even if we go back in history, right?

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That guy is amazing.

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I've seen him play soccer
live in Barcelona.

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I went to Camp Nou.

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You can say "Camp Nou" or "Nou Camp."

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It's a thing I can't…

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But you can't say
"Camp Camp" or "Nou Nou."

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I saw him play live,
and the guy is incredible.

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You can't comprehend how that guy plays.

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He's like a cartoon. It's incredible.

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That being said, don't you think
outside the world of football, Messi's…

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Maybe the light's on, but nobody's home?

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As my comedian friend Tomás García says,
"Not all of his ducks are in a row."

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In fact,
I think even within the world of soccer,

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he sometimes has a hard time.

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For example,

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in tournaments like the Copa del Rey,
the Champions League,

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they're knockout competitions, right?

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You win a match
and move to the next round.

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I'm telling you this
since Málaga doesn't qualify for these.

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So yeah,
he's had to deal with this tons of times.

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You know how it works, right?
There are two matches,

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and the team that has scored
the most goals moves on to the next round.

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If there's a tie,

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the team that scored the most goals
on the away field moves on.

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Because in theory, that's harder, right?

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You can imagine
how often this happens to Messi.

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Let's pretend, okay? I'll make it up.

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Copa del Rey, semifinals.

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Barça versus Málaga. We're pretending.

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The first match is
at La Rosaleda stadium, okay?

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"Rosaleda" or "Ledarrosa."
You can say it either way.

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At La Rosaleda,

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they tie 3-3.

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Three-three here in Málaga.

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At Camp Nou, or Nou Camp, they tie 1-1.

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The ref blows the whistle.

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Whenever the whistle blows
during a Barça match, there's a camera

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that focuses on Messi wherever he is.

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Normally, he's at midfield,

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but when this happens, he looks like this…

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Like a flying saucer

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dumped him there at that moment,
and he was clueless.

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Watching the match at home,
I feel for the guy.

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I say, "Can someone please explain to him
what's going on?"

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And it's even tougher now
because his best friend isn't there.

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He plays in Japan now.
You know Iniesta was his best friend?

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His best good friend.

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If you looked at his contact list,
it'd say "AAAndresito. Best friends."

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So look at older videos
from other matches.

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The first guy that goes to Messi,

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pretending he's just giving him a hug
is Iniesta.

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But he's whispering,
"We made it to the next round, Messi."

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And he goes…

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I think he's so sweet.

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I think Messi's so sweet.

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Messi is the type of guy that,
when under a ton of pressure,

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like during the Champions final,

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when the whole world's watching
and waiting for Messi to score,

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eightieth minute, they're tied, 1-1,

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Messi is the type of guy that would say
stuff like this in that situation.

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A guy is injured. While he gets help,
Messi goes to the sideline,

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and he'd say something like this…

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"Wow, this water tastes great,"

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and he'd go back and score
off a midfield bicycle kick.

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That's Messi in a nutshell.

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He's afraid of training bibs.

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I learned about that recently.
A phobia of training bibs.

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Several years ago,
there was this photo online

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that caused quite a stir.

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This photo came out a while ago.

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People said, "Wow, he doesn't know
how to put on a training bib."

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Come on.
Clearly, he's just messing around.

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Like when you miss a goal and you go…

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I don't think
he's trying to push his face through.

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He knows there's no-- Right?

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Anyway, you know how people get.
Messi this, Messi that.

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Whatever. That's what happened.

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About two or three weeks later,

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another picture came out online. This one.

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It says UNICEF, which is like…

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You gotta see

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all the memes they made with this photo.

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I didn't bring any since they're not mine.
But they're all incredible.

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My favorite is the one
where he's in Elliot's bicycle basket

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on the way to the moon.

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Big deal. He's putting it on.
The photo's bad.

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That's all. People can be so mean.

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Anyway.

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Three or four weeks later…

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This came out.

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I mean, I can't stick up for him anymore.

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This picture makes me want
to call his mom and ask her,

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"During labor, which hole was
he trying to go through?"

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Anyway.

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Cute Messi jokes aside,

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Lionel Messi, as a figure, fascinates me.

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It's fascinating
how a person can be so powerful

252
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,920
and so vulnerable at the same time.

253
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,720
The whole world says Messi is a god,

254
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:15,920
but if Argentina is suddenly knocked out
of the World Cup, people want to kill him.

255
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,680
Literally, they want to kill him.

256
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,560
And I'm like,
"Come on, he's doing his job."

257
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,160
He's trying to do his best
like the rest of us.

258
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,520
But since he's such a public figure--

259
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,800
And this could be applied
to any soccer player,

260
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,720
any athlete, any artist,

261
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:35,520
actor, musician, journalist,
even any comedian.

262
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,680
As public figures,
we're in the fucking line of fire.

263
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,080
Depending on whether we mess up or not,

264
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:46,200
we could get lynched
by an angry mob, an enraged throng.

265
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,800
It's like, "Wow."

266
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,120
That's tough, right?

267
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,040
I'm done talking about "them."

268
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,320
Let's take a step back
and think about society as a whole,

269
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,200
about where all the hate comes from.

270
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,120
Don't you feel it?

271
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,680
Doesn't it feel like society is, like,

272
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,320
oozing with hatred?

273
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,080
And this started way before the pandemic.

274
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,880
I've been doing this set
for a few years now.

275
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Didn't you feel that,
even before coronavirus, people were mad?

276
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,640
People are pissed off, man.

277
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,320
People are constantly on edge.

278
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,120
When someone screws up,
we don't help them.

279
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,160
We point fingers, so we don't get blamed.

280
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,800
This fucking "gotcha" culture.

281
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:25,720
Don't you feel it?

282
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,120
I get that there are
tons of factors at play.

283
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,800
There are many reasons
why society is oozing with hatred.

284
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,320
I get that some people are out of work,

285
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,880
or they have shitty jobs
or can't pay the bills.

286
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,000
It makes sense if you're bitter
'cause you gotta tighten your belt.

287
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,560
That could be a very valid reason.

288
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,200
I get that we live in a society

289
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,600
where reckless politicians push us around.

290
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,440
It's like they're governing
from a schoolyard.

291
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,440
I get that this pisses us off.

292
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,120
I get that we're bombarded
with inflammatory journalism

293
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,680
that just constantly pisses us off.

294
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,480
I get that.
Social media can really piss you off.

295
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,960
I don't know about you, but Instagram--

296
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,640
I have an Instagram, and I feel like

297
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,920
everyone on it is way happier than me.

298
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,840
I could look at my neighbor's profile

299
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,520
and say, "That's my neighbor?"
But he's a loser.

300
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,600
But I see him on Instagram,
and I'm like, "I want to be him."

301
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480
It happens.

302
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,160
And I bet a lot of you think
I forgot about a few factors,

303
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,480
but there is one I want to talk about.

304
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,960
I think it's a factor

305
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,400
that nobody notices because we're…

306
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,440
And that's stress.

307
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,320
Stress.

308
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,040
People forget about it
since you can't see it.

309
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,840
Like Wi-Fi, you can't see it.

310
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,200
But it will cost you.

311
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,920
Think about it for a second. Stress.

312
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:53,600
Stress.

313
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,680
You repress…

314
00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,600
your stress.

315
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,760
"Seriously, did he really just do that?"

316
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,800
"Stick to jokes."

317
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,720
I'm gonna talk about
my relationship with stress

318
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,440
up until now at the age of 40.

319
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,440
I left Málaga when I was 17, 18.

320
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,720
You're not stressed then
'cause you don't give a fuck.

321
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,480
I could barely spell "stress."

322
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:25,000
My life in Málaga was not stressful.

323
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:29,080
At 17, 18, I moved to Granada.

324
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:33,560
It's an Andalusian city.
It's even smaller. What else can I say?

325
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,840
It's bohemian.

326
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,920
There's culture, art,

327
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,440
music, muses.

328
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,880
Basically everything is
within walking distance.

329
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,320
It's all so close together.

330
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,280
So sure, no stress in Granada.

331
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,240
But…

332
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,840
About 13 or 14 years ago,
I moved to Madrid.

333
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:59,240
I wanted to do this for real,
and that's where you make your mark.

334
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:03,240
So I went telling myself
I wouldn't lose my Andalusian identity,

335
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,200
my flow, my chill vibe. You know?

336
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,880
So I got to Madrid all calm.

337
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,120
Rented a place, moved in.
Well, I put my boxes down.

338
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,880
Please, I didn't unpack.
I dropped my stuff and said,

339
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,160
"Time for a walk.
I will not get stressed on my first day."

340
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,240
And I'd heard about Retiro Park,
so I said, "I'll go to Retiro."

341
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,280
I said, "With such a grand name,
it can't be that bad."

342
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,880
"All right let's go--" I don't go anymore.

343
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,680
I never go there now.

344
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,280
I thought you could go for a nice walk,
get inspired.

345
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,800
No, you need a rearview mirror.

346
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,240
There are cyclists, runners, ducks--
Fuck this shit!

347
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,160
I left, saying,
"This is a human centrifuge."

348
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:47,240
But it turns out it's not just Retiro.
It's all of Madrid.

349
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,560
The whole city. Any neighborhood.
Usera, Malasaña. Legazpi…

350
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200
Take your pick.
The crowds of pedestrians--

351
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,200
Have you seen how they walk?

352
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,520
I'm like,
"That guy is off to defuse a bomb."

353
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,280
"So is he, but he's going the other way.
What's going on?"

354
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,160
One day, I decided to watch
this guy that was in a rush.

355
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,320
I'm like, "Let's see where he goes."

356
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,080
He ran into a wall and was stuck…

357
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,080
I'm like, "Jesus, you're all robots."

358
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,800
Am I missing something here?

359
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,280
Some sort of zombie apocalypse,

360
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,040
some bit of news I haven't heard?

361
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,080
It's like snipers are on rooftops saying,

362
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,440
"If anyone stands still
for more than 20 seconds,

363
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,400
I'll blow their brains out!"

364
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:25,640
Come on, man.

365
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,200
Driving in Madrid?

366
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:35,920
Driving in Madrid.

367
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,160
You have no idea what it's like.
I got my license in Granada.

368
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,200
I didn't use fourth gear for eight years.

369
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,200
Sweet mother of God, they drive fast!

370
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,560
They just randomly switch lanes!

371
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,320
It must cost 20 euros

372
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,480
every time you use your turn signal there.
Those fuckers are cheap!

373
00:20:56,560 --> 00:21:01,120
Driving in Madrid, you gotta guess
what the guy in front and behind is doing.

374
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,760
I say, "I'm busy enough
deciding what the fuck I'm gonna do!"

375
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,120
But the scariest part about Madrid
isn't the cars flying by.

376
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,920
It's the cars that are stopped.

377
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,640
Those things terrify me.

378
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,440
I'm driving in Madrid.
There's a red light, and I'm like,

379
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,680
"Please don't let me be in the front."
And bam, I'm there first.

380
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,080
It's so fucking stressful!

381
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,800
There I am, the farm boy
that should never stick out.

382
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,360
I broke four steering wheels from stress.
And I'm like, "Stay sharp. It'll be fine."

383
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,320
"No one is going to yell at you. Come on."

384
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,240
At one point, I saw the blonde from Grease
with the kerchief,

385
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,680
"Come on, boys!" And I'm like, "Let's go!"

386
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,000
And suddenly, I hear the horn behind me.

387
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,600
I look back, I look forward, still red.

388
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,600
I'm like, "That fucker time traveled!"

389
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:56,000
He bent the Cartesian axes, space-time.
That damn Marty McFly!

390
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:03,600
What about dating?

391
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,840
Dating?

392
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,160
This doesn't just happen in Madrid.
It's everywhere.

393
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,760
What's with dating now?
Why does it move so fast?

394
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,880
Look, I'm not some cranky old man. I'm 40.

395
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,640
But I can't wrap my mind around it all.

396
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,560
I asked my friend,
"How do people date now?"

397
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,520
"You don't just go out
for a beer or meet up?"

398
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,000
He said, "No way."

399
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,960
"Now it's through apps."
I was like, "What?"

400
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,160
"Yeah, through apps."

401
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,720
I was like, "Apps?" He said, "Yup."

402
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,520
"You can flirt from home."
I said, "Really?"

403
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,800
He was like,
"Yesterday, I got matched while shitting."

404
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,760
I was like, "What?" He said, "Yes."

405
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:46,480
It happens.

406
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,680
She says, "What a nice guy."
And my buddy gets a match while taking…

407
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:52,800
And I'm like…

408
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,840
"What are those apps?"

409
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,960
He goes, "There's a ton of them!"

410
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,360
"There's Grindr, Tinder, Winder, Fringer,

411
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,360
Chatsky, Forchis, Bikin, Bondis, Brendis,
Truskis, Frosties,

412
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,240
Chisquis, Tejeringuis, and AdoptaUnTío.

413
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,200
I'm like…

414
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,200
"Can I have some paper
to write this all down?"

415
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,920
And I see people using
these apps, and I'm lost.

416
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,080
It looks like a video game.

417
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,840
He goes,
"Check this out. Yes, no, yes, no."

418
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,360
Of course, I tried it.
I went to meet up with a chick,

419
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,680
turned the corner, and said,
"Hey, I'm Dani."

420
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,680
"I don't give a shit. Give me cock.
Now go the fuck home."

421
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,840
I've even come home and stood in the dark

422
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:47,040
in my living room for a while, like…

423
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,280
"I'm not sure if I fucked or not."

424
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,480
There's no trace.

425
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,480
It happened so fast.

426
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,520
Now, dating is like

427
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,560
watching shows on Netflix.

428
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,440
That's fine and all, but

429
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:10,920
it goes so fast.

430
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,080
This has happened to all of us, right?

431
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,080
It's Tuesday, 9:00-9:30 p.m.
You get home from work.

432
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,440
You make yourself a quick dinner and say,
"Well, I'll watch an episode on Netflix."

433
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,520
The show and season don't matter.

434
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,560
Wherever you are,
in whatever series you're watching.

435
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,680
You put on the episode,
throw the remote somewhere,

436
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,960
and-- Well, it starts
because you press play.

437
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,440
That's why it starts. "Isn't that nice--"
And the show's great by the way.

438
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,320
You think I'd talk shit
about Netflix right now?

439
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:43,600
And you're like, "This actress is amazing.
I didn't expect-- Wow!"

440
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,040
"Holy shit,
those special effects aren't cheap."

441
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,560
The episode ends and you say,
"Okay, I'll brush my teeth and go to bed."

442
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,760
As you get up, you see "next episode"
out of the corner of your eye

443
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,240
and then, "Six, five, four…"
You search for your phone.

444
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,800
"Three, two, one…" Now you have to watch.

445
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,000
You have to. You can't break the hypnosis.

446
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,680
I watched every season of Money Heist
in one night. Don't ask me how.

447
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,720
I've gone through Netflix, all of it.

448
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,360
I've lost my job, my family.

449
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,280
I'm rewatching
the second season of Friends.

450
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,880
And I can't remember
anything that happened!

451
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,520
Nothing!

452
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,680
That's not how you enjoy things.

453
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,640
I'm not talking about dating
like my parents did.

454
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,000
I don't know, but more or less
how it was 20 years ago.

455
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:35,280
It was a little more--

456
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:39,800
Look, dating used to be like
watching shows on regular television.

457
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,880
And that was perfectly fine,
but at a different pace.

458
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,000
Same scenario.

459
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,800
Tuesday night, 9:30. You get home
from work, make a quick dinner,

460
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,440
and at 9:20 you think,

461
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,880
"I'll turn it on at 9:30

462
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,080
because they've been running ads all week…

463
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,920
saying that the show airs at 9:30."

464
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,720
You start heading to
the living room around 9:25,

465
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,720
just in case

466
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,200
they air it early. Right?

467
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,480
So you sit down with your dinner.

468
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,000
It's 9:25.

469
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,080
It's 9:30, and you go, "All right."

470
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,640
It's 9:40.

471
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:33,680
It's 9:45, and you go,

472
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,040
"Maybe the guy
who's supposed to press the button…"

473
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:41,760
Shit happens, right?

474
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,880
It's 9:55-- I don't know about you,

475
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:49,000
but I have this issue
that when I'm watching a movie or show

476
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,560
and have dinner, I like to start eating

477
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,920
when it starts, like at the same time.

478
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,480
So I'm there thinking, "Just wait,
it's going to get cold…"

479
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,880
"My salad is going to get cold."

480
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,320
And at 10:15,

481
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,600
the show starts. Great.

482
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,960
And it's very good. You're like,

483
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,280
"That's awesome!"

484
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,200
"Those two actors always work
so well together."

485
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,760
"Wow, look at the production value.
Oh my goodness!"

486
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,000
Then a voice says, "We'll be back
from our commercial break in March."

487
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,120
And you go,
"Okay. I'll get on with my life."

488
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,840
"I'll go to college,
get a tan this summer,

489
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,200
and then watch next year." Come on!

490
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,240
There has to be some middle ground, right?

491
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,520
I have to admit
that I gave into the stress of Madrid.

492
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,520
But about nine years ago,

493
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,200
someone came into my life

494
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:52,760
and changed it completely,
changed how I understood life, its pace.

495
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,720
It was my first dog.
Her name is Taterface. Okay?

496
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,280
She's alive today. We're roommates.

497
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:01,960
She's an elderly lady.
She's always sitting.

498
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,040
I don't know how she moves.
I look over, and there she is.

499
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:09,680
Then I go to my room, and she's there.
I never see her move.

500
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,920
Like a cartoon character hopping
around, like Goku teleporting.

501
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,640
I've never seen her walk.

502
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,400
But I go somewhere, and she's there.

503
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,760
Anyway, apart from that…

504
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,560
Something happened to me
while I was with her.

505
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,240
It completely changed me-- Hold on.

506
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,240
Don't worry. I'm not gonna do the whole
"My dog is super special--"

507
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,200
No. I think we're a bit fed up.

508
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,560
At least I am. I'm a bit fed up with
dog people that are always like,

509
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,280
"My dog is so…" Hold on a second.

510
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,720
Who's got a dog here? Raise your hand.

511
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,760
Damn, that's a ton of dog people.

512
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,760
Great. I thought so.
As soon as I got in, I went…

513
00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,160
It's fine. I'm used to it.

514
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,600
You'll have to forgive me,

515
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,400
but I think you dog people are…

516
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:04,760
a fucking cult.

517
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:10,200
You're insufferable.

518
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,320
I try not to go to the same parks
at the same time every day

519
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,680
or talk to the same owners
'cause it's gotten to the point where

520
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,320
if I see one a third time,
I want to punch them.

521
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:24,560
Because here's the thing. Maybe it happens
in other countries, but in this country…

522
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:31,440
five percent, at most, of the dogs

523
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:33,720
are imposing, majestic. Right?

524
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,800
They're undeniably, objectively beautiful.

525
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,120
So very few people can say,
"Look at my beautiful dog."

526
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,480
And the dog goes… And you're like, "Fine."

527
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,960
But 95% of dog owners…

528
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,680
have mismatched socks, junkyard dogs.

529
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:55,640
If it's not missing an eye, it's missing
a leg or walks on the diagonal.

530
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:57,640
So you say, "Look how cute my dog is."

531
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,440
I go, "We could sit, talk this out,
but I don't have time."

532
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,440
So when you can't say
your dog is beautiful,

533
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,480
which most of us can't do,

534
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,560
what's your argument?
How do you brag about your dog?

535
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,280
In this country, you brag by saying,

536
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,960
"My dog is so smart."

537
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:23,080
Everybody has
the smartest dog in the world.

538
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,400
Yup, I've had it up to here
with smart dogs.

539
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,240
Come on! As if
Spanish universities were full of dogs.

540
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,800
I have this lovely neighbor in Madrid.

541
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,360
She's in her sixties.

542
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,200
She has a dog, and since she knows
I'm all about dogs,

543
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,520
she thinks I care about
everything she tells me about her dog.

544
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,920
I'd go as far as to say,
"If your dog is happy and healthy,

545
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,320
I couldn't give two shits about your dog."
How about that?

546
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:55,080
The other day, she waylays me
on the landing. "Dani…"

547
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,120
She says, "Dani, my dog is so smart."

548
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,800
"Listen to this."

549
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,360
"I get up really early in the morning

550
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:04,840
and take the dog out."

551
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:06,600
"He does his business. We go in."

552
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,360
"I feed him,
drink my coffee, have some toast,

553
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:11,320
and hit the streets."

554
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:16,120
Because that's what the elderly do.
They don't go outside.

555
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,280
They hit the streets.

556
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,320
I've heard this ever since I was a kid.
Every morning,

557
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,240
I was afraid an old guy would fall out
his window and crush me.

558
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,520
There comes an age
when you decide to hit the streets.

559
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,520
She says, "I hit the streets."

560
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,600
"I run errands,
and then I'm back around 3:00 p.m."

561
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:37,760
"Get this, Dani."

562
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:40,520
"I live on the first floor."
I go, "I know. We're neighbors."

563
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:46,320
"I go up the stairs.
I don't make a sound, Dani. Not a sound."

564
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,640
"I'm a ninja."

565
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:57,000
"I spent five years in Matsumoto,

566
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,000
training for any eventuality."

567
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,920
"Back in my village,
they call me 'The Vacuum Sealer.'"

568
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:09,240
She says…

569
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,080
She had her skirt hiked up to here,
her slip, tights…

570
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,200
"Dani, I take out my key.
No noisy key chain."

571
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,000
"And I go up to the door."

572
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,800
"I put the key in."

573
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,600
"The door opens a bit
but doesn't make a sound."

574
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,040
"I'd sprayed some lubricant."

575
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:42,800
She goes,

576
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:48,760
"So I open the door a tiny bit,
like, just this much."

577
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,560
"His snout is there
'cause he knows it's me!"

578
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:52,960
And I go, "For fuck's sake!"

579
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,520
"Un-fucking-believable. Look…"

580
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,320
"Listen up, neighbor, and listen good."

581
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:03,600
"You left at 8:00 a.m. The dog fell asleep
in his bed in the living room."

582
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:07,000
"At 8:30, he heard a noise
and thought it was you.

583
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,320
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

584
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,800
"Then someone buzzed your neighbor,
he though it was you."

585
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:17,600
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

586
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,560
"He farted, thought it was you,

587
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,440
went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

588
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:28,000
"Before you got here, the dog went
down the hall to the door 737 times

589
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,080
to see if it was you."

590
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,920
"You just saw his last lap, dumbass."

591
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:37,080
"But the dog did
the fucking Way of St. James in a day."

592
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,720
"Oh, he's so smart, Dani."

593
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:52,480
"Sure, but when he eats some junkie's shit
in the park, you don't say anything."

594
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,200
"You keep that to yourself."

595
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,760
"I was scolding him the other day…"

596
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,080
She never says why.

597
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,720
Maybe he ate a five-foot-long scarf.

598
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,040
"Look how smart he is."

599
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,840
"I was scolding him, and I said, 'No.'"

600
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,480
"'Don't do that.'"

601
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,280
"Listen, Dani. He was just looking at me,

602
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:16,680
with a look on his face…"

603
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:20,520
Here comes the line
that I absolutely despise. She goes,

604
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:23,880
"It was like he was about to speak."

605
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,880
He was about to speak? Dogs don't speak!

606
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,960
No fucking dog has ever talked!

607
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:35,640
"And one more thing,
if I ever see that dog speak,

608
00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:37,840
I'll kick him out the window."

609
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,200
"You schizophrenic!"

610
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,240
I'm fucking sick of smart dogs and…

611
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,360
Forgive me,
I'd rather be honest, that's all.

612
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,520
You're getting to know the real me. Sorry.

613
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:56,520
I wouldn't even grab a coffee
with a dog person.

614
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:58,440
Sorry.

615
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,080
And you cat people…

616
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:19,400
All right.

617
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:21,840
Who has a cat? Don't be shy.

618
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,240
I can't go and slap you
'cause of coronavirus.

619
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:25,600
Come on, who has a cat?

620
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,720
That's a lot people.
Fewer than dog people, but okay.

621
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,000
By the way,
does anyone have the combo pack?

622
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,040
What do you have?

623
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,160
Three dogs and two cats.
What's next, a wild boar?

624
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,400
Well, those of you with the combo pack,

625
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,400
this next thing isn't about you.
You're off the hook.

626
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,320
You people that just have cats,

627
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:48,760
forgive me, but…

628
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,280
I think you have…

629
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,240
An inferiority complex…

630
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:02,600
a severe one.

631
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:07,360
You cat people spend
all your time and energy,

632
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:12,160
trying to convince everyone else,
even though nobody asked you,

633
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:15,520
that having a cat

634
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,080
is better than having a dog.

635
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:21,120
That a cat

636
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:22,600
is better

637
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:24,320
than a dog.

638
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,600
I say, "Invest your time and energy
in whatever your want."

639
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:36,560
What pisses me off is
that 95% of your argument is this,

640
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,200
"My cat, wow. My cat is the best."

641
00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:42,160
"I get home,

642
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,280
and my cat comes to say hi."

643
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:45,920
"He wants to be petted."

644
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:47,720
"He gives me his paw."

645
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,960
"I throw him a ball of yarn,
and he goes and gets it."

646
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:52,360
"It's like,

647
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:54,240
he isn't even a cat."

648
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,440
"He's like a dog." Are you fucking stupid?

649
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,400
What you want is a dog!

650
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:05,920
Seriously.

651
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,120
I'm sorry, but…

652
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:13,000
if you have dogs or cats,
don't talk to me on the street.

653
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:14,560
It won't end well.

654
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,720
And you people with kids…

655
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,760
Why are you parents like that?

656
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,600
You turn into jackasses
when you become parents.

657
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,520
For example, women.

658
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:47,520
What's your deal? As soon as you become
a mom or know that you'll be a mom,

659
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,360
your operating system crashes.

660
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,680
No, it's true. I don't know
if it's your software or your hardware--

661
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,120
I've never understood the difference.

662
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,280
But you start getting
these system failures.

663
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,200
For example, units of measurement.

664
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:09,560
You start to mix them all up.

665
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:11,240
You get them wrong.

666
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,520
The other day, I called a friend of mine.
We hadn't spoken in years.

667
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,080
I had no idea how she was.

668
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,960
I call her and say, "Hey! How are you?
It's so great to hear from you…"

669
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,400
She goes, "I'm a mom now."

670
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:28,120
I'm like, "Wow, that's great! How old?"
She says, "192 weeks."

671
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,400
I was completely caught off guard.

672
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,520
Should I give the kid a toy or cigars?

673
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,640
I mean, "Are you really gonna make me
go grab a calculator?'"

674
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:56,840
You're buying groceries. The cashier says,
"That'll be 1,532 cents."

675
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:58,240
Wouldn't that piss you off?

676
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,640
Since we have larger units of measurement
that make life easier.

677
00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,880
So, please don't do that to us.

678
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,880
You parents are obsessed.

679
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,760
You're obsessed with teaching stuff
to your kids before they're old enough.

680
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,160
Why? So you can brag.

681
00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:24,000
"My son was walking at nine months." Why?

682
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,960
Why pressure the other kid, their parents?

683
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,600
And everything your kid does is special.

684
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,560
"Look how he poops on the hardwood floor!"

685
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,160
"Isn't that amazing?"

686
00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,360
I'm like, "Yes, it is since he's eight.
It's amazing."

687
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,480
You're obsessed!
We shouldn't pressure them.

688
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:48,000
Let them learn things at their own pace,

689
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:51,000
give or take a few months.
As long as it's not extreme, right?

690
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:51,960
I don't know.

691
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:54,880
As a kid, the only thing I did

692
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:56,840
five months ahead of schedule

693
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,680
was eat Christmas cookies in August.
That's it.

694
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:06,680
So, my friend…

695
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:12,400
She's from Málaga. Bea, my best friend.
We've been friends since we were kids.

696
00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:17,240
She's a wonderful woman.
She's kind, generous,

697
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:20,440
a beautiful person. She's a genius,
a medical professional, a doctor.

698
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,520
Whatever you want to call it.

699
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,160
She's a big deal, top of her class.
She's the shit.

700
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:26,800
An exceptional woman.

701
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:30,280
She has two kids.
When she had the first one,

702
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,680
she wanted me to be the godfather.
I was thrilled.

703
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,920
So whenever I come down to Málaga,
I try to make time to see them.

704
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:38,600
When…

705
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,280
the kid was about six months old,

706
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:46,480
I went to her house. "Hi, Bea."
"Hi, Dani. How are you?"

707
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,560
I go. "Where's Paquito?"
"He went shopping," she says.

708
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:51,000
Paquito is her husband.

709
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,120
And I go, "Where's Nico?" Now he's the…
She says, "There he is, in the…"

710
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,760
Maybe it was a crib or--
wherever the kid was laying.

711
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,440
"There he is. He just woke up."

712
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,920
So I went over-- I don't know about you,
but I talk to babies in a normal voice.

713
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:12,120
Okay? I can't opine either way
since I'm not a parent, as far as I know,

714
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:14,560
but I use a normal voice.
I have this thing.

715
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,680
No matter how little they are,

716
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,480
they're smarter than we think. Right?

717
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:23,800
I imagine some baby lying
in a bed, a crib, whatever.

718
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,960
The baby just sees
people drift in and out of view.

719
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,680
And they're going…

720
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:36,680
The baby must think,

721
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,120
"I got stuck with
the biggest morons in Málaga."

722
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,120
"It's either that, or I'm from
the House of Bourbon. I don't know."

723
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,200
I mean, I try to talk normally.

724
00:41:56,280 --> 00:42:00,080
I'm not saying go over there
and talk about the stock market.

725
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,000
But I just act normal.

726
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,720
My friend Bea is right here. I go over.

727
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,240
"What's up, Nico?
How are you doing, handsome?"

728
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,440
"You're so handsome.
I've missed you so much."

729
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,880
Suddenly, I hear,

730
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:15,000
"Look how much I've grown, Godfather."

731
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:29,240
"The booties you gave me
don't fit anymore."

732
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:36,880
"Bea?" Remember, she's a doctor. "Bea?"

733
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,480
"No, it's me, your godson."

734
00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:46,920
"I'm here in the crib."

735
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:49,400
"I've gotten so big."

736
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,080
"Haven't you noticed?"

737
00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:59,160
I'm like, "At least cover
your fucking mouth, Jesus!"

738
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,760
At what point
did you parents become ventriloquists?

739
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,520
I don't get it.
Let him speak when he's ready.

740
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,160
But don't speak for him. It creeps me out.

741
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,640
You want to speak
and do everything for them.

742
00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:13,680
He's six months old. "Look how big he is."

743
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,600
You're all obsessed with growth.

744
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,720
Nine months. "Look at him." I go, "Okay."

745
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,680
A year and half. "What a growth spurt!"

746
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,000
Two years. "Look, he's huge."
I go, "Of course, Bea. He's a kid!"

747
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,640
"Of course, he's growing. That's normal."

748
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,160
"That's nothing extraordinary."

749
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:35,360
"It would be extraordinary if,
at six months, he were this tall."

750
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,200
"And this tall after a year."

751
00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:40,840
"And this tall after 1.5 years."

752
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,680
"If at age two, I go, 'Bea where is he?'"

753
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:45,000
"You go, 'Get this,
he got back in my pussy.'"

754
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:45,960
I'd say, "Damn!"

755
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,880
"Now, that is extraordinary!
Call Mulder and Scully!"

756
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,480
"Call the news networks!"

757
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,760
"But in the meantime,

758
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,920
as long as you don't stick him
in a terrarium like a fucking iguana,

759
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:58,480
the kid will keep growing

760
00:43:58,560 --> 00:43:59,840
according to

761
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:04,040
physiological and nutritional standards
set for kids in first-world countries."

762
00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:06,840
You're so fucking obsessed.

763
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,920
It's not like we're gonna eat them.
They're kids, not suckling pigs.

764
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,480
That got a bit out of hand. Sorry

765
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,800
It's just that sometimes this stuff…

766
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:22,800
Forgive me.

767
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:31,440
Wow, this water tastes great.

768
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,760
Well, sorry. As I was saying.

769
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,520
I lost my train of thought.
Taterface, remember her?

770
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,720
This is how, with Taterface,

771
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:45,080
I got rid of my stress
when I lived in Madrid.

772
00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:47,400
Instead of bragging about her,

773
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:49,960
I'll show you a photo,
so you can see what she look like.

774
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,520
You'll hear the most unbiased version
of the story possible,

775
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,320
then we'll move on to something else.

776
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,480
No fantasy, no magic,
no Gandalf, no Pied Piper, no bullshit.

777
00:44:59,080 --> 00:44:59,920
This is Taterface.

778
00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:02,560
All right?

779
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,600
It's like she's about to speak.

780
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:27,800
She's facing us, okay?

781
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:32,280
People in the back must be like,
"Ass or elbow?"

782
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:36,600
She's a lovely dog.

783
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,000
The only thing is
that she puts on weight easily.

784
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:42,800
I have to walk her a lot
and keep an eye on her food.

785
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:46,360
She just had an appointment with the vet
she's had forever for a checkup.

786
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,160
They looked in her ears and all that.

787
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:50,520
The vet puts her on the scale

788
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:52,040
and says, "Dani,

789
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:54,880
that's some serious girth."

790
00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:08,000
I'm like, "Yeah, a bit girthy."

791
00:46:09,560 --> 00:46:13,480
I'm thinking, "I hope she's talking about
my dick and not the dog."

792
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:16,080
"Getting her to slim down is hard enough."

793
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:17,600
This is nothing. It'll go down

794
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:20,160
as soon as I'm barefoot in a cathedral.

795
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:27,320
You guys laugh as if you've been
barefoot in a cathedral plenty of times.

796
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:31,880
Taterface came into my life

797
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,760
at a time when I was living alone,

798
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,840
really busy with work,
really stressed out.

799
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:39,640
I knew nothing about owning a dog.

800
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:44,000
Now I do. If you'll allow me
to give you some advice about pets,

801
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:45,240
a dog, a cat.

802
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:46,880
Do it right. Give it love.

803
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,320
Take care of it. Give it good food,
go to the vet…

804
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,440
Just do it right.

805
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:55,040
Seriously. It's a living thing
and has feelings.

806
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:58,360
It's not a fascist.
Let's try to take good care of it, okay?

807
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,320
So, I remember it was a Tuesday.

808
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:03,800
I got up that morning,

809
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:06,600
I get up, take her downstairs
to do her business.

810
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,480
We go up, eat breakfast, and I go to work.

811
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,600
I come home at 4:00 p.m.
and have 30 minutes

812
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:15,720
to take her out to do her business
before I have to cross all of Madrid.

813
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:17,840
So, I take her down, all stressed out.

814
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,680
And if you're stressed,
your dog picks up on that.

815
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:24,720
I'm like, "Come on, a little poop.
Go on, pee. I'm gonna be late."

816
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:28,120
She pees and poops,
and we head home through the park.

817
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:29,920
I'm rushing. I'm super late,

818
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:34,200
and she stops. I'm like, "Come on, Tater.
Come on, Taterface."

819
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,800
And I look to see why she won't move.

820
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:41,920
I see that she really wanted
to stop for a moment

821
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:44,080
because she wanted

822
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:46,360
to smell a flower.

823
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:50,480
I stood there watching

824
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:53,960
and thought everything made sense.

825
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:59,320
That's when I said, "Hold on.
Maybe this is what life's all about."

826
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:03,480
"Maybe life is about sometimes

827
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:04,720
stopping for a second

828
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:06,800
to smell a flower."

829
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:08,880
I took out my phone,

830
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,360
canceled my two afternoon meetings,
postponed the next day's meeting,

831
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:14,640
turned off my phone,

832
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,200
put it in my pocket,

833
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:18,800
let her loose in the park
and said, "Taterface,

834
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,400
this afternoon is for you and me."

835
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,080
"This is our afternoon."

836
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:26,480
Yes, sir.

837
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:28,120
That was it.

838
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,800
That day changed everything for me.

839
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,280
For her, too. She had a blast.

840
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:43,720
She hid in the bushes,

841
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:45,440
peed wherever she wanted,

842
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,080
smelled whatever she wanted,

843
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,400
played with some kids.
They assaulted her a few times…

844
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:51,640
We had a blast.

845
00:48:55,720 --> 00:48:59,840
Since then, my life has been closely tied

846
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,720
to dogs, specifically,
and animals in general.

847
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,840
I live with three dogs.
Some summers, I have five or six.

848
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:10,680
Plus I've symbolically adopted a donkey,
a chimp, a gorilla, an orangutan,

849
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:12,520
"and a partridge in a pear tree."

850
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:14,080
That got out of hand.

851
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:15,920
Anyway,

852
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:20,120
I'm not gonna give the typical speech

853
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,040
about how dogs are better than people.

854
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,360
No, that's too simplistic, right?

855
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:28,080
But it is true that,
after living with them for so long,

856
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:31,800
you notice little things that show
that they're better than us. A few things.

857
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:33,680
I'll tell you a couple.

858
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:36,960
Dogs don't have pockets,
and that's to their advantage

859
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:40,200
because they live…
They don't care about material things.

860
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,760
You're gonna go out. They say,
"You're putting my collar on? Fuck yeah."

861
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:48,360
"You're putting on my harness, too?
Fuck yeah."

862
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:52,440
"You're putting on my pink
glitter jacket? Well, fuck you."

863
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:53,480
"But fine. Let's go."

864
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:55,480
Plus, I can see it.

865
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:59,560
When I close the door,
she looks at me like,

866
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:02,240
"I wouldn't mind
if you left your keys in there."

867
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,600
Or you got to the vet,
one of the most expensive things there is.

868
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:10,920
The vet says, "All that'll be 300 euros."
I look at the three of them. They're like,

869
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:12,600
"I don't have…"

870
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:14,480
And the other one…

871
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:20,760
"I just rolled out of bed."

872
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:24,160
There's another aspect

873
00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:27,080
in which dogs are superior to us.

874
00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:28,840
Dogs and cats, too.

875
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:32,760
Male dogs and cats, female dogs and cats.
Non-binary dogs and cats, all right?

876
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,120
I'm sure lots of you have thought
about this before

877
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,800
because it's classic.

878
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,000
I hope there aren't any kids in the room.

879
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:43,520
Dogs and cats have the ability

880
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:45,160
to

881
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:46,600
lick

882
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:48,480
their bits.

883
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:54,120
Someone went,

884
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:57,640
"Are you sure?"

885
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:02,240
My dog Buyo is an expert at that.

886
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:04,040
I adopted him second.

887
00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:07,880
He's in there all day, getting after it,
putting in work, going to town.

888
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,520
I look at him
with a mix of hatred and envy…

889
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,240
"Okay, Buyo. That's enough."
And he's going at it…

890
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:18,400
He's getting back at me. I took his balls,
so he's like, "Let's polish this dick."

891
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,360
I'm like, "But…"

892
00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:22,240
And he keeps going.

893
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,240
He can go a good 20 minutes.

894
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,960
Once his back is warmed up, it's ass time.
And I'm like, "Goddamn!"

895
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:32,080
I often ask myself,

896
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,880
"Doesn't he feel embarrassed,
doing that in front of people?"

897
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:38,040
Embarrassed? A dog? Embarrassed?

898
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:42,160
An animal that can look you
straight in the eye while shitting.

899
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:47,800
When's the last time you eye contact shat?

900
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:49,120
You can't remember, right?

901
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:50,360
They're better than us.

902
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,240
Here's a rhetorical question.

903
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:57,320
If you could lick your bits, would you?

904
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:01,040
Food for thought.

905
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,480
I'll let you think about that one.

906
00:52:04,560 --> 00:52:06,240
Of course, you won't answer now,

907
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,880
but, tomorrow,
over breakfast with your mother…

908
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,080
Classic table talk. "Hey, Mom. Would you…"

909
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:15,120
Here's another question, all right?

910
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,400
This one is just for the guys

911
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:20,720
that said "yes" to the first question.

912
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,480
Okay? You guys that would do it…

913
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:26,000
Okay? Get ready for it.

914
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,480
I only see the top half of your face,
but it looks pretty naughty.

915
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:34,840
You're one of the chosen ones.

916
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:39,320
If you could lick your bits,

917
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:41,480
and you would do it, the question is,

918
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:46,840
would there be a heads up?

919
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:52,920
Think on it. No need to answer.

920
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,880
That's very personal,

921
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,480
but I love making you think a little bit.

922
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,520
I'll tell you what I'd do.

923
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:02,840
I don't care. I got nothing to lose.

924
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:06,920
I just got back from saying
"Fuck you" to St. Peter. You think I care?

925
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:10,160
For example, if I could, would I?

926
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:12,000
Obviously!

927
00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:18,240
I've been doing it since 19--
I've been trying to do it since 1991.

928
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:22,840
I've given it my all,
but I'm just not that flexible.

929
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:28,160
I think that, in some cases,
the spine is overrated.

930
00:53:28,680 --> 00:53:30,760
I've never seen
a sad slug in my entire life.

931
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:32,880
Now,

932
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,840
with respect to the second question,

933
00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:38,400
if I could and would…

934
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:41,920
that heads up…

935
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:51,880
No.

936
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:58,640
I'd keep quiet like a bitch.

937
00:53:58,720 --> 00:54:02,760
I'd create my own sustainability loop.

938
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:04,640
I supply.

939
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:06,240
I demand.

940
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:11,600
Since I'm vegan,
a little bit of protein wouldn't hurt.

941
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,600
And when I finish, a kiss on the cheek
and nighty night.

942
00:54:16,680 --> 00:54:18,240
Come on! Of course!

943
00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:21,920
Of course, I would!

944
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:26,800
It's all yours.

945
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,400
Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you.

946
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:37,880
Be a good Christian.

947
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:44,000
Forgive me.

948
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:46,160
I'm sorry I'm so unhinged today.

949
00:54:46,240 --> 00:54:48,800
I'm saying stuff
you wouldn't expect me to say.

950
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:50,800
Maybe some of you are disappointed.

951
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:53,240
But it is what it is.

952
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,760
I hate lots of things, too.
I know that's wrong,

953
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,200
but everybody hates stuff.
I hate, I don't know,

954
00:55:01,720 --> 00:55:05,440
I hate waiting in line, man.
I can't do it.

955
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:08,080
I hate when my neighbor
starts renovating at 8:00 a.m.

956
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:10,200
I lose it.
I'd kill him with my bare hands.

957
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,760
I hate when my toast gets cold.

958
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:16,520
I hate when I get out of the shower
and need to poop.

959
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:18,080
I'm like, "Goddamn it."

960
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:26,040
But as a human being,
there's something worse.

961
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:29,440
Hating people, not just situations.

962
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:31,440
Well, I hate people.

963
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:35,960
But it's worse than that. When I confess
that I hate specific people,

964
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:38,360
they're people that nobody hates.

965
00:55:38,440 --> 00:55:40,880
But I can't stand them. I'm sorry.
I need to confess.

966
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:42,080
I'm letting it all out.

967
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:44,920
I want you to know who I am.

968
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:47,080
I hate Rafa Nadal.

969
00:55:48,240 --> 00:55:49,960
I hate him to the core.

970
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:52,320
Not just now.
I've hated him since the beginning.

971
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:53,440
I can't stand him!

972
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:54,760
Rafa Nadal.

973
00:55:54,840 --> 00:55:57,720
"The best athlete of all time."
"The best Spanish athlete."

974
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:00,080
Kids love him. Moms love him…

975
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,160
He sets a good example.
He's handsome, dignified, ethical, polite.

976
00:56:03,240 --> 00:56:05,280
Twenty Grand Slams! Twenty!

977
00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:09,240
Why do you need so many Grand Slams?
Spread the love around.

978
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:13,040
For fuck's sake!

979
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,800
A few years ago, in France,

980
00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:17,560
I'm not sure, I think he was reported

981
00:56:17,640 --> 00:56:20,800
'cause they said he was doping
in a tournament, the Roland Garros.

982
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:23,760
Imagine what it was like
leading up to the trial.

983
00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:26,680
What the poor guy went through,
the defamation…

984
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:27,880
Then, the trial.

985
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,680
Obviously, Nadal won
because he hadn't been doping.

986
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:33,680
And they had to pay him some serious dough

987
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:36,640
for damaging his reputation,
image, and whatever.

988
00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:40,320
Do you know what he did with the money?
With that fat check? Do you?

989
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:42,680
He donated it to a French NGO.

990
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:45,600
Doesn't he deserve
a forehand to the fucking face?

991
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:49,720
Fucking Rafa Nadal. Mallorca's flooded,
and there he is.

992
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,920
There he is, cleaning it up.
Is there no one else in Mallorca?

993
00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:54,920
There's no one else. You have to be there.

994
00:56:55,400 --> 00:56:57,120
With 20 Grand Slams in your house.

995
00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:02,240
I hate Meryl Streep. I hate her.

996
00:57:02,320 --> 00:57:04,400
Meryl Streep Fighter 2. I hate her.

997
00:57:05,680 --> 00:57:09,800
The best actress of all time.
Every performance is authentic, organic.

998
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,480
Everything, all her movies. All of them.

999
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,280
Plus, she's an activist, a feminist.
She's committed.

1000
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:17,760
All her movies are up for Oscars.

1001
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:21,000
Enough already, Jesus! Stop being so good!

1002
00:57:21,080 --> 00:57:22,360
It's disgusting.

1003
00:57:23,960 --> 00:57:26,000
What about Angelina Jolie?

1004
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:29,880
In addition to being a great actress,
she's smoking hot.

1005
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:32,320
At what age will she stop being so hot?

1006
00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:37,960
She's got a genius level IQ,

1007
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:42,840
and she goes around, picking up
homeless kids. "Come on, let's go home."

1008
00:57:43,600 --> 00:57:46,080
She's got 'em in every color except blue!

1009
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:54,840
I hate Broncano!

1010
00:57:58,640 --> 00:58:00,120
I hate Vicente del Bosque!

1011
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:02,600
I hate Clara Lago!

1012
00:58:03,360 --> 00:58:04,920
I hate Sergio Dalma!

1013
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:09,280
I hate that asshole, Antonio Banderas!

1014
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:17,480
I've had it!

1015
00:58:21,600 --> 00:58:22,760
I saw him the other day.

1016
00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:26,000
He's 20 years older than me but could be
my little brother. Fuck him!

1017
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:34,280
But if there's someone over whom I'd pump…

1018
00:58:36,880 --> 00:58:38,000
or dump…

1019
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,360
No, excuse me.

1020
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,120
They both work.

1021
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:52,240
Yeah, depending on
which end you want it to come out of.

1022
00:58:56,520 --> 00:58:59,080
Anyway, if there is one person, over whom

1023
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:01,080
I would give a pour

1024
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:03,120
or au pair…

1025
00:59:05,560 --> 00:59:08,240
of all my hate and contempt,
without a doubt,

1026
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:10,160
that person is

1027
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:11,960
Hugh Jackman.

1028
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:17,360
I can't stand him.
He's my arch enemy, my nemesis.

1029
00:59:18,640 --> 00:59:19,920
This is Hugh Jackman.

1030
00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:24,640
There he is.

1031
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:27,800
International, Australian, actor,

1032
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:29,240
Hollywood, fame.

1033
00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:32,480
For many years, in tons of magazines,

1034
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:35,720
he's been called the most handsome,
attractive man in the world.

1035
00:59:35,800 --> 00:59:36,640
Look at him.

1036
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:38,880
That facial symmetry.

1037
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:42,360
Those godlike features.

1038
00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:47,200
That physique,
chiseled by the gods of Olympus.

1039
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:51,680
Those pores,
each one oozing with Stendhal syndrome.

1040
00:59:54,200 --> 00:59:56,400
That fucker washes
his shirts with his abs.

1041
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:00,280
And one day, I felt like saying,

1042
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,440
"He's not that handsome. He isn't."

1043
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:05,720
So I compared myself.

1044
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:11,280
Then the hate started.

1045
01:00:12,840 --> 01:00:15,360
That's how the saying goes, right?
Comparison breeds hate.

1046
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:18,160
This is how it started.

1047
01:00:22,960 --> 01:00:25,360
No worries, you can laugh. I'm over it.

1048
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:27,440
Plenty of years of therapy.

1049
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:29,360
I know it's overwhelming at first, like,

1050
01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:32,440
"How can they be from the same species,
yet so different?"

1051
01:00:33,160 --> 01:00:34,320
They have the same parts!

1052
01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:37,960
Maybe you need to get into the details.
Don't worry, I'll analyze it for you.

1053
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:40,920
You'll see why we're so different.
I have a thing, lots of 'em.

1054
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:43,400
But we'd be here for four hours.

1055
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:46,160
My eyes, for example. My eyes.

1056
01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:51,760
I hope this gets subtitled.

1057
01:00:53,520 --> 01:00:54,480
My eyes.

1058
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:58,920
The thing is,
my eyes are small, very small.

1059
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:00,680
Small and close together, right?

1060
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:02,440
Very small, very close.

1061
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:06,440
If they were
any bit closer together, you'd say,

1062
01:01:06,520 --> 01:01:08,280
"Something's wrong with him."

1063
01:01:16,520 --> 01:01:18,760
I can't watch 3D movies.

1064
01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:21,760
The glasses are too wide.
I can't get a lens over each eye.

1065
01:01:21,840 --> 01:01:24,680
I don't perceive depth.
It's not worth the ticket price.

1066
01:01:26,880 --> 01:01:28,960
I can't get fat, ma'am. I can't.

1067
01:01:29,040 --> 01:01:32,520
If I do, my faces gets fat,
but my eyes stay small and close together.

1068
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:34,440
My face gets away from me.

1069
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:38,760
My face looks like
the holes of a clown button.

1070
01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,840
And my nose? How about my nose?

1071
01:01:44,520 --> 01:01:47,960
People don't notice my nose
'cause there are big ones in this country.

1072
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:49,600
But look out for mine.

1073
01:01:49,680 --> 01:01:52,520
I have a little kid's elbow
glued to my face.

1074
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:55,760
Watch out.

1075
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:58,920
It'd take me three trips
to clear out a glasses store.

1076
01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:08,200
I've never had glasses fall of my face.

1077
01:02:08,880 --> 01:02:11,560
Fucking never,
and I got punched as a kid, okay?

1078
01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:14,280
Always the same side.
That's why it's bent.

1079
01:02:15,360 --> 01:02:16,720
When I was little,

1080
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:19,920
I was part of a swim club in Málaga.

1081
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:23,480
In the summer we'd go
to Misericordia Beach to swim.

1082
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:26,520
And, of course,
my specialty was backstroke.

1083
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:31,240
But I had to switch.
When I did it, my friends went…

1084
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:35,720
I was like, "Stop it, you dicks!"

1085
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:39,240
"Okay, everybody swim
to the buoy and back."

1086
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:40,360
I'd never go.

1087
01:02:40,440 --> 01:02:43,720
Since my keel's bent, I'd go in circles
like an amputee in a canoe.

1088
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:49,080
And, it's sharp.

1089
01:02:49,160 --> 01:02:51,240
If you get close, you'll see it's sharp.

1090
01:02:51,320 --> 01:02:55,120
You're like, "No big deal."
No, it is a big deal sometimes. It is.

1091
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:57,480
"No way." And I'm like…

1092
01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:00,920
There have been times when…

1093
01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:09,160
I've had cunnilingus
turn into a C-section, calling 911.

1094
01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:17,160
And I didn't choose my worst photo.
This one's professional.

1095
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:19,720
I used this for stand-up sets years ago.

1096
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:23,000
After it had been circulating online
for two or three months,

1097
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:25,320
I looked and realized it. "Hold on…

1098
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,600
I'm missing an ear."

1099
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:40,000
I'm like, "How? I'm looking
straight at the photographer."

1100
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:42,960
As if I were looking there,
he said, "Dani!"

1101
01:03:43,040 --> 01:03:46,280
I turned, and he took the photo
before the rest of my body got there.

1102
01:03:47,800 --> 01:03:49,240
Am I Picasso's grandson?

1103
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:54,320
So he's more handsome than me.
What can I say?

1104
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:55,480
Hugh Jackman, one.

1105
01:03:55,960 --> 01:03:57,120
Dani Rovira, zero.

1106
01:03:57,600 --> 01:03:59,440
But it didn't end there.

1107
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:01,440
This is when our battle began.

1108
01:04:01,520 --> 01:04:03,760
It was the start of an intense battle.

1109
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,880
Every day, looking for things
that I was better at.

1110
01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:09,600
For years now--
He has no knowledge of this, okay?

1111
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:11,080
It's my thing.

1112
01:04:11,600 --> 01:04:14,760
"I must be better at something,"
I thought. I'm super competitive.

1113
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,520
I'm like, "Of course, dogs!"

1114
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:20,480
I'm here in Spain, helping dogs

1115
01:04:20,560 --> 01:04:23,160
so they get adopted,
so they aren't abused or abandoned,

1116
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:24,280
changing legislation…

1117
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,720
I go, "I doubt
this guy also happens to be…"

1118
01:04:27,320 --> 01:04:28,200
Look.

1119
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:36,040
First, this is from a paparazzi.

1120
01:04:36,120 --> 01:04:38,600
He never looks bad in paparazzi photos.

1121
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:40,760
Look at him, all dressed up.

1122
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,640
I wasn't even that dressed up
for my sister's wedding.

1123
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:46,240
And look at those doggies.

1124
01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:49,640
With a vest, in case it's cold or rains.

1125
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:51,720
Look at the booties. Look.

1126
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:53,960
Look at the white one.

1127
01:04:54,880 --> 01:04:55,800
He's a surgeon.

1128
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:00,920
He just performed a gallbladder surgery.

1129
01:05:03,040 --> 01:05:04,400
Or neutered a friend.

1130
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:12,040
Then there's this guy.

1131
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:18,520
I have no good paparazzi photos,
by the way.

1132
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:21,240
Look at my clothes.

1133
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:24,160
Winter, waist-up. Summer, waist-down.

1134
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:29,040
They caught me with a shit bag in my hand.

1135
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,400
That is a bag full of shit.

1136
01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:33,440
The trashcan was so close.

1137
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:37,040
It makes you want to ask, "Paparazzi,
you couldn't have waited one minute?"

1138
01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:39,720
You can't fake glamour.

1139
01:05:40,600 --> 01:05:42,080
These are my two pooches.

1140
01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:44,920
The third one hadn't come
into my life yet.

1141
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:47,400
The little brown guy is Buyo,
Mr. Auto-felatio.

1142
01:05:49,760 --> 01:05:51,640
And the black cartoon is Taterface.

1143
01:05:54,040 --> 01:05:55,480
I think that's her face.

1144
01:05:58,080 --> 01:05:59,880
Otherwise, she'd be going backwards.

1145
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:05,280
Back there's a guy from the 16th century.
He appeared after it was taken.

1146
01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:08,280
Hugh Jackman, two.

1147
01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:10,040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1148
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:13,160
I'm like, "Man,
I gotta beat him at something."

1149
01:06:13,240 --> 01:06:15,800
I'm like "This one will be close."

1150
01:06:15,880 --> 01:06:18,880
Look, I'm 40. That's a solid age.

1151
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,360
I'm fit. I exercise.

1152
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:22,960
I'm more or less…

1153
01:06:23,040 --> 01:06:24,400
I'm in shape, right?

1154
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:29,920
This guy's always been pretty buff,
but, shit, he's pushing 60.

1155
01:06:30,560 --> 01:06:32,440
Like that prick, Antonio Banderas.

1156
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:37,040
I'm like, "Maybe,
we've currently reached an impasse,

1157
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:39,960
where he dips a bit and I… Right?"

1158
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:42,320
"And depending on the angle, maybe…"

1159
01:06:44,480 --> 01:06:46,200
This is from three years ago.

1160
01:06:53,280 --> 01:06:55,240
Yes, ma'am. You and I agree.

1161
01:06:56,120 --> 01:06:57,400
I'd fuck him, too.

1162
01:07:05,120 --> 01:07:08,240
These people are always beautiful.
Everything about him. His hair.

1163
01:07:08,320 --> 01:07:11,040
These people… No matter what he does,
his hair's fine.

1164
01:07:11,120 --> 01:07:13,400
Slap him in the face? His hair's fine.

1165
01:07:13,480 --> 01:07:15,480
Take his head out of the oven?
Hair's fine.

1166
01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:18,680
He's squinting from the sun,
but he looks handsome.

1167
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:21,520
Damn it, he's handsome! What about this?

1168
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:24,840
Flat abs…

1169
01:07:31,520 --> 01:07:32,440
Then this guy.

1170
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:46,480
The sun's in my eyes, too. Okay?

1171
01:07:48,520 --> 01:07:50,920
But it must be a different time of day.

1172
01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:57,440
My hair's wet, too, but I look like…

1173
01:07:57,520 --> 01:07:59,120
a Roman caveman.

1174
01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:06,200
My teeth aren't big,
but here, I'm a beaver.

1175
01:08:06,280 --> 01:08:07,680
"Hello. I'm a beaver."

1176
01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:11,440
Just stick a padel racket up my ass,
and I'm a beaver.

1177
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:17,200
Sunburned shoulders.

1178
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:19,800
"How about a little fucking photoshop?"

1179
01:08:19,880 --> 01:08:21,840
"Make me all red or all white,

1180
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:24,720
but not like that.
I look like strawberry ice cream."

1181
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:30,200
I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame
fleeing the fire, all hunched over.

1182
01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:32,240
"I need to put my balls in water!"

1183
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:39,040
The eight euro Carrefour swimsuit
with worn elastic.

1184
01:08:45,680 --> 01:08:47,840
I'm missing a fucking arm!

1185
01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:01,120
Hugh Jackman, three.

1186
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:04,040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1187
01:09:05,960 --> 01:09:08,040
I'm like, "I can still win this."

1188
01:09:09,600 --> 01:09:11,680
There have been greater comebacks, right?

1189
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:15,000
A few months later,

1190
01:09:16,360 --> 01:09:17,240
I found this.

1191
01:09:19,600 --> 01:09:24,160
Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars in 2009.

1192
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,360
I saw it.

1193
01:09:25,960 --> 01:09:27,520
The best Oscars.

1194
01:09:28,200 --> 01:09:32,640
The best Oscars ever.
No one had ever hosted like that before.

1195
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,960
Wow, this guy…

1196
01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:39,280
What a host! So classy! Such sharp comedy!

1197
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:43,160
That six-foot guy could dance.
He could sing.

1198
01:09:43,240 --> 01:09:47,920
He was thrilling. When it was over,
he went, as if saying, "Nailed it."

1199
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:50,640
The whole world fell at his feet.

1200
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:52,640
No bad reviews.

1201
01:09:53,560 --> 01:09:54,600
Nailed it.

1202
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:01,680
I hosted the Goya Awards
three years straight.

1203
01:10:02,840 --> 01:10:06,200
The first, second, and then the third,
so they'd be in order.

1204
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:12,720
And I'd never been criticized like that.

1205
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:17,160
Ever, in my entire life.

1206
01:10:17,240 --> 01:10:19,320
The next day, holy shit.

1207
01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:23,920
I came to Málaga to see my parents.

1208
01:10:27,280 --> 01:10:30,560
TV, radio, magazines,

1209
01:10:30,640 --> 01:10:34,760
critics, social media,
Thermomix, teletext.

1210
01:10:35,240 --> 01:10:37,800
I woke up one morning,
"Mom, that noise! Is it hailing?"

1211
01:10:37,880 --> 01:10:40,600
She goes "No, Dani, It's a shit storm.
Go back to sleep."

1212
01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:41,960
Come on!

1213
01:10:42,040 --> 01:10:45,840
Each show was over three hours long.
Three shows mean at least ten hours.

1214
01:10:45,920 --> 01:10:48,200
So, any good reviews?

1215
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,120
Even the algorithms

1216
01:10:54,840 --> 01:10:56,000
are against me.

1217
01:10:57,480 --> 01:11:00,960
Type "Dani Rovira Goyas" in Google.

1218
01:11:01,040 --> 01:11:04,240
Go to Images.
This is the first one you see.

1219
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:11,040
Hugh Jackman, four.

1220
01:11:12,760 --> 01:11:13,920
Dani Rovira, zero.

1221
01:11:15,040 --> 01:11:16,520
And when you let in four goals…

1222
01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:20,080
it's basically inevitable.

1223
01:11:21,920 --> 01:11:23,120
The fifth is coming.

1224
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:27,720
The fifth hurts the most
'cause it's the last one.

1225
01:11:28,600 --> 01:11:32,280
And this is what hurts the most.

1226
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,800
Hugh Jackman is

1227
01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:41,560
Wolverine.

1228
01:11:43,880 --> 01:11:47,440
The best comic book character of all time.

1229
01:11:48,520 --> 01:11:51,840
The damn mutant son of a bitch.

1230
01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:55,280
The Wolverine!

1231
01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:58,960
The claws.

1232
01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:02,160
The pheromones.

1233
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:05,280
The wolf.

1234
01:12:07,200 --> 01:12:08,840
What a hairy beast.

1235
01:12:40,920 --> 01:12:41,920
What a shame.

1236
01:12:45,760 --> 01:12:46,760
What a shame.

1237
01:12:48,920 --> 01:12:50,680
No further questions, Your Honor.

1238
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:52,440
Actually, yeah.

1239
01:12:52,520 --> 01:12:54,880
There's one more. One last question.

1240
01:12:54,960 --> 01:12:56,120
Here it comes.

1241
01:12:56,880 --> 01:12:58,640
You can answer. It's a simple one.

1242
01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:00,400
I would appreciate it if you did.

1243
01:13:02,360 --> 01:13:03,360
Did you laugh?

1244
01:13:03,440 --> 01:13:04,560
Yes!

1245
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:07,280
Well, there you go.

1246
01:13:32,920 --> 01:13:34,600
Thank you very much.

1247
01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:39,120
Obviously, the applause goes both ways.

1248
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:41,120
It's for you as well.

1249
01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:45,320
Today, we all reached our goal.

1250
01:13:45,400 --> 01:13:49,960
You came to laugh,
and I came to make you laugh.

1251
01:13:50,040 --> 01:13:52,200
And we did it. We all won,

1252
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:53,560
and laughter won as well.

1253
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:58,080
And trust me. It doesn't matter at all

1254
01:13:59,040 --> 01:14:00,760
why you laughed.

1255
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:05,600
It doesn't matter if what I've said
up here is true or false.

1256
01:14:06,080 --> 01:14:07,080
It doesn't matter

1257
01:14:07,160 --> 01:14:11,000
if I was right or wrong
in anything that I said.

1258
01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:14,920
It doesn't matter
if you agree or disagree.

1259
01:14:16,040 --> 01:14:20,240
You laughed because laughter is so magical
that it's above it all.

1260
01:14:20,320 --> 01:14:21,560
Do you really think--

1261
01:14:22,520 --> 01:14:25,880
Do you really think I have all the hate

1262
01:14:25,960 --> 01:14:28,320
that I defended all night on this stage?

1263
01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:35,040
Thank you for your vote of confidence,
but I must confess that I've had it.

1264
01:14:35,760 --> 01:14:37,000
I've hated a lot.

1265
01:14:37,080 --> 01:14:39,320
Even up until very recently.

1266
01:14:40,520 --> 01:14:43,440
But I realized something very recently.

1267
01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:46,120
Hate gets you nowhere.

1268
01:14:46,760 --> 01:14:50,240
Hate is a waste of time,
a waste of energy.

1269
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:54,960
Hate gets you ulcers, stress,
and even illnesses.

1270
01:14:56,160 --> 01:15:00,200
Do you really think all the people
I spoke about on this stage…

1271
01:15:00,280 --> 01:15:01,920
Do you think I hate

1272
01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:06,000
Sergio Dalma, Rafa Nadal, Hugh Jackman,

1273
01:15:06,080 --> 01:15:08,400
Antonio Banderas, Broncano, Clara Lago

1274
01:15:08,480 --> 01:15:10,920
or Vicente del Bosque? Do you, really?

1275
01:15:13,000 --> 01:15:15,320
I'd need 100 theaters like this one

1276
01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:19,280
to contain
all the admiration I have for them.

1277
01:15:20,080 --> 01:15:21,680
In fact, here's a secret.

1278
01:15:21,760 --> 01:15:25,720
When I started writing this show,
I didn't know how it would go.

1279
01:15:25,800 --> 01:15:27,720
I grabbed a pen and notebook

1280
01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:31,320
and started writing down
all the people I admire most.

1281
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:34,480
From all walks of life.

1282
01:15:34,560 --> 01:15:38,040
Actors, actresses, singers,
scientists, poets.

1283
01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:42,480
Even anonymous people, my neighbors.
An almost infinite list.

1284
01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:45,760
Not everyone fit,
but do you know what I called it?

1285
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:49,720
My list of Halley's Comets.

1286
01:15:51,200 --> 01:15:54,520
I thought, "We're so lucky
to be able to live,

1287
01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:58,200
surrounded by all these Halley's Comets."

1288
01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:02,320
Because, ultimately,
their existence makes our lives better.

1289
01:16:02,400 --> 01:16:05,600
They make us happier, they inspire us,
entertain us,

1290
01:16:05,680 --> 01:16:07,360
they help us to be better.

1291
01:16:08,080 --> 01:16:11,720
That's why I feel really bad
for people that grab stones

1292
01:16:12,560 --> 01:16:14,400
and throw them at Halley's Comets.

1293
01:16:15,840 --> 01:16:18,880
I thought it was absurd at first.
"You'll never hit a comet."

1294
01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:20,840
But sometimes it happens.

1295
01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:24,120
Sometimes it does, and, maybe one day,

1296
01:16:24,200 --> 01:16:28,040
you hit one and become the first asshole
to knock a Halley's Comet out of the sky.

1297
01:16:29,120 --> 01:16:33,600
We should never try to be like them.
When they were born, they broke the mold.

1298
01:16:34,200 --> 01:16:36,880
We'd drive ourselves crazy trying.
It's impossible.

1299
01:16:36,960 --> 01:16:38,640
Hopefully, one day,

1300
01:16:39,200 --> 01:16:41,320
we can end up being ourselves.

1301
01:16:41,920 --> 01:16:43,240
That would be a real victory.

1302
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:46,640
Meanwhile, while we're working on it,
let's relax.

1303
01:16:47,120 --> 01:16:50,960
Let's calm down.
Let's stop competing with each other.

1304
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:53,960
Compete against yourself
to be a little better than yesterday.

1305
01:16:54,040 --> 01:16:56,400
And let yourself have a bad day.
It's fine.

1306
01:16:57,000 --> 01:17:00,280
And, if you happen to be number one
in something, great.

1307
01:17:00,360 --> 01:17:01,560
My hat's off to you.

1308
01:17:01,640 --> 01:17:04,600
But if you're number 1534
in that thing, that's great, too.

1309
01:17:04,680 --> 01:17:06,880
You'll be much happier.

1310
01:17:06,960 --> 01:17:08,760
So much envy and hate.

1311
01:17:08,840 --> 01:17:12,080
Envy is mismanaged admiration.

1312
01:17:12,160 --> 01:17:14,680
Take your envy, your hate, your fear,

1313
01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,240
all your shit, put it here and channel it

1314
01:17:17,320 --> 01:17:20,360
into something that is worth it.

1315
01:17:21,480 --> 01:17:24,840
Hate is for cowards.
Do you know what the brave do?

1316
01:17:24,920 --> 01:17:26,920
The say "I love you." That's what.

1317
01:17:27,000 --> 01:17:30,240
So get up, go home,
grab your mom by the collar, your father,

1318
01:17:30,320 --> 01:17:32,560
tell them you love them.

1319
01:17:32,640 --> 01:17:36,560
Tell your siblings,
friends, dogs, roommates.

1320
01:17:36,640 --> 01:17:39,760
Say, "I love you." There's nothing braver.

1321
01:17:39,840 --> 01:17:42,760
I want to share my life
with people that say, "I love you."

1322
01:17:42,840 --> 01:17:46,600
That's why I'm dedicating this show
to the most important person in my life.

1323
01:17:46,680 --> 01:17:48,640
Wherever you are, you're my inspiration.

1324
01:17:48,720 --> 01:17:50,920
This is for you. I love you, Messi!

1325
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:14,240
Thanks so much, Málaga!

1326
01:18:57,200 --> 01:18:58,640
Thank you very much.

1327
01:19:11,840 --> 01:19:12,680
Just--

1328
01:19:13,280 --> 01:19:15,080
Thank you, really. Just,

1329
01:19:15,680 --> 01:19:17,160
just one more thing.

1330
01:19:17,240 --> 01:19:20,720
Before we go, I want to thank you
for deciding and making the effort

1331
01:19:20,800 --> 01:19:22,320
to come to the theater.

1332
01:19:22,400 --> 01:19:25,560
I always say that,
but even more so in these times,

1333
01:19:25,640 --> 01:19:29,640
because, ultimately,
it's a fact that live theater, movies,

1334
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:33,680
wherever we can enjoy culture are
some of the safest places

1335
01:19:33,760 --> 01:19:35,000
on Earth right now.

1336
01:19:35,080 --> 01:19:38,320
Thank you so much for your courage
and commitment.

1337
01:19:38,400 --> 01:19:41,200
And when people come to see me live,

1338
01:19:41,280 --> 01:19:45,360
I like to give them one last tidbit
to get to know me better.

1339
01:19:45,440 --> 01:19:48,520
Above all, I hope
this gift helps you throughout life.

1340
01:19:48,600 --> 01:19:52,400
Maybe this is a little more familiar
to people in Málaga.

1341
01:19:52,480 --> 01:19:54,160
I'll start packing my props.

1342
01:20:00,280 --> 01:20:01,680
Before I run out of time.

1343
01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,600
I started out as a storyteller.

1344
01:20:07,120 --> 01:20:10,600
In fact,
I started out at a tea shop nearby.

1345
01:20:11,120 --> 01:20:13,360
In the Mártires Square,
the El Harén Tea Shop.

1346
01:20:13,440 --> 01:20:16,680
I spent many years telling stories
before I became a comic.

1347
01:20:16,760 --> 01:20:18,760
I could tell… I don't know,

1348
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:22,800
five hundred different stories
at one point. They were all special.

1349
01:20:22,880 --> 01:20:26,640
But I remember, one day,
I thought of a really short one.

1350
01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:29,360
It really affected me.

1351
01:20:29,440 --> 01:20:31,080
I kept it to myself.

1352
01:20:31,160 --> 01:20:33,880
It went with me everywhere.

1353
01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:39,440
As a kid, I kept it close to my chest,
like we say in Málaga.

1354
01:20:39,520 --> 01:20:41,560
I didn't tell it much.

1355
01:20:41,640 --> 01:20:45,560
I told it on very special occasions
to very special people.

1356
01:20:45,640 --> 01:20:48,120
But you grow up and learn,

1357
01:20:48,200 --> 01:20:49,960
those should go hand in hand.

1358
01:20:50,440 --> 01:20:55,120
And I learned something
from reading a sentence some guy wrote.

1359
01:20:56,360 --> 01:20:57,440
Ghandi, whoops.

1360
01:21:03,240 --> 01:21:04,400
It went,

1361
01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:08,440
"You only lose what you cling to."

1362
01:21:09,200 --> 01:21:12,120
So I want to give you this little story

1363
01:21:12,200 --> 01:21:16,920
so you can tell it wherever you go.

1364
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:19,480
I'll also say
it's a pre-coronavirus story.

1365
01:21:19,560 --> 01:21:21,760
Maybe this isn't the best time to tell it,

1366
01:21:21,840 --> 01:21:24,680
but just imagine the story will last
for years to come.

1367
01:21:24,760 --> 01:21:26,560
It's my gift to you. Enjoy.

1368
01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:28,720
It goes like this,

1369
01:21:31,240 --> 01:21:32,760
"In a tiny village,

1370
01:21:34,440 --> 01:21:35,880
all the villagers

1371
01:21:35,960 --> 01:21:38,680
awoke one morning
with sugar on their lips."

1372
01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:40,400
"But that morning,

1373
01:21:41,120 --> 01:21:42,720
the only people that realized it

1374
01:21:43,320 --> 01:21:45,960
were those that wanted to kiss someone."

1375
01:21:46,640 --> 01:21:48,600
So, my friends go out there

1376
01:21:48,680 --> 01:21:51,160
and look for sugar
and sweetness in every corner.

1377
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:52,720
Don't get bitter

1378
01:21:53,400 --> 01:21:54,760
because life is beautiful.