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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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-[Manolo] Daniel, good morning.
-Good morning, Manolo.

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-[Manolo] Your coffee.
-And the toast.

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Here's your coffee.

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-Thanks.
-And your toast with olive oil.

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Bon appetite.

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Thanks, man.

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[phone vibrating and barking]

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HATE

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Shit.

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-Put it on my tab. I'm running late.
-No worries.

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Come on, Bruno! Come on, Bruno!

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["Shiny Soul" by Fuel Fandango playing]

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Shit.

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HATE
BY DANI ROVIRA

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♪ My heart is looking
For a warming shining groovy soul ♪

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♪ My heart is looking
For a warming shining groovy soul ♪

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♪ My heart is looking
For a warming shining groovy soul ♪

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-[dogs barking]
-All right, see you later. Bye.

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-[barking]
-What's that? Ah!

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Right, no mask.

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Okay, let's go.

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[upbeat music continues]

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-♪ My heart is looking for a warming ♪
-♪ I'm looking for your soul ♪

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-[upbeat music continues]
-[audience cheering]

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[music and audience subsiding]

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You can't even imagine

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how excited I am
to be here today in Málaga

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after surviving and turning 40. Fuck yeah!

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-[upbeat music resumes playing]
-[audience cheering]

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[laughing]

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[music and audience subsiding]

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Look at how

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when you've gone through chemo,
you gotta show any hair you've got.

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-Look. Check it out.
-[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]

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Wild, right? I almost…

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[audience clapping]

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That was a close one.

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For a second there,

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I spent the whole year
negotiating with Saint Peter.

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He says, "Come up, Dani."
I'm like, "Come down, same distance."

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He says, "Come up!" I say, "Come down!"
He says, "I'm swamped this year. Come on!"

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I say, "I'm not really…"

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"Dani, if you don't,
your hair will fall out."

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I'm like, "Fine. Deal."

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[audience clapping]

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I was too lazy to die. [laughs]

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Man…

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So, thank you all for coming.

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I guess there's a reason
we're at this theater today, right?

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You all came here to laugh, right?

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And as a comedian,

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I'm here to give you those laughs, right?

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That's our agreement, isn't it?

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As you can see, today's sort of special
because there are cameras.

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This is being recorded.

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It's going to be a Netflix special
that will be streamed

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in over 1,700 countries.

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How many countries are there?
A ton of countries.

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A ton of countries.

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[audience laughing]

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But here's the thing.

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Over the past few years,

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people, damn,
especially comedians, have had it rough

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because everyone gets offended
over so many things.

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They get offended over every little thing.

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So since people
around the world will watch this,

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this is for those who may get offended

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over something I may ultimately
say here today. Okay?

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So, for those people who may get offended,

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I wanted to say this,

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we've gone through a global pandemic.

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Actually, we're still in it.

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They declared
a state of emergency in Spain.

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We were all on lockdown.

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Two days later,
I was diagnosed with cancer.

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Eight chemo sessions.

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One every 15 days.

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Six hours of pumping shit into my body.

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A liter and a half of poison.
Pow, pow, pow.

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I'd get home as if I got hit by a car.

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Not a truck, that would've killed me.

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[audience laughing]

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My hair fell out.

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I lost weight, vomited.

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Eighteen radiotherapy sessions.

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My chest and larynx smelled
like fried chicken.

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And I'm vegan.

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When I was done, I went to Greece
to make a movie about refugees,

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hurricanes, fires, sea accidents.

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I got a serious ear infection.

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I came back to Madrid

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for my birthday,
but I was on lockdown in the mountains.

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I spent my birthday alone.

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Now you're telling me

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you're offended over some little joke?
Let me tell you something.

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You can suck my balls
from the front and back.

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[audience clapping]

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Anyway…

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It's hot in here.

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So…

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let's get started. In fact,
some people may already be offended.

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Lots of people will say,
disappointed people,

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they'll say, "Jesus, Dani!"

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"Didn't you go vegan?"

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"So what's this?"

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"What's this?"

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It's pleather.

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I had to kill some plants to make it.
Tipping the scales of justice.

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Yeah, I've gone vegan.

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There you have it. I'm vegan.

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A lot of people say, "Jesus, Dani,
why would you want to suffer like that?"

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And I say, "Well, to each his own."
People still like Málaga's soccer team.

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-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

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We're free to choose how we suffer.

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Yeah, I went vegan.
It's crazy when you go vegan.

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Tons of people suddenly
concerned about your health.

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Of course, these are people that studied
nutrition, a five-year degree,

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especially them.

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The other day,
this fat guy comes up to me and asks,

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[repeatedly]
"Dani, what do you do about protein?"

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"The same as you when you forget
your defibrillator."

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-"Trying to survive."
-[audience laughing]

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Then I gave him a kiss and said,
"See you tomorrow, Dad." So…

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[chuckles]

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[audience clapping]

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I want to start by talking about a concept
that many people don't know about.

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Your original laugh.

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Your original laugh
is the one that you're born with.

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Everyone has one.

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You may decide to change it
over the course of your life

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because you like your friend's laugh
and copy it,

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or maybe you have a laugh

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that isn't attractive.
You're embarrassed by it.

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Let's say you're an ambassador,

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a diplomat, or something.
You have important meetings.

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If this is your original laugh…
[laughs aggressively]

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…then I get it…

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if you want to change it.

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But even so, I'm a big fan of the people
that keep their original laugh.

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A few years ago, I went to a party.

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I said something, and some guy thought
it was really funny.

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He had the most spectacular
original laugh.

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I can't remember what I said,
but I look at him. He goes…

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[laughs exaggeratedly]
I was like, "What a lovely laugh!"

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I spent the night telling him jokes,

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farting, falling on the floor,
doing everything I could

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to keep him laughing.
He had such a gorgeous, spontaneous laugh.

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He'd go like this…

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[laughing exaggeratedly]
…clenching his fists.

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Like when you're walking,
and they try to sell you rosemary,

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and you walk by saying, "No, no, no."

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[audience laughing]

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[chuckles]

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His laugh came from a deep place,

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almost ancestral.

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[laughing exaggeratedly]

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It was like Pachamama's ancestors

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were laughing through you.

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Then he'd throw his head back
like he was missing a spine.

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Like PEZ dispensers. Do you remember them?
[laughing exaggeratedly]

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I bet I could grab some candy
from his throat.

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What a pretty laugh.

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Original laughs aren't unique, you know?

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Folks in other parts of the world
laugh like you do.

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Really, it happens.

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You know who has that laugh?

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Messi.

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[audience laughing]

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You know who Messi is, right?

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I don't know much about soccer.
I don't much like it.

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But we all agree that Messi is
the best soccer player in the world.

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Even if we go back in history.

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That guy is amazing.

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I've seen him play soccer
live in Barcelona.

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I went to Camp Nou.

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You can say "Camp Nou" or "Nou Camp."

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It's a thing I can't…

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But you can't say
"Camp Camp" or "Nou Nou."

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[audience laughing]

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I saw him play live,
and the guy is incredible.

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You can't comprehend how that guy plays.

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He's like a cartoon. It's incredible.

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That being said, don't you think,
outside the world of football, Messi's…

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Maybe the light's on, but nobody's home?

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[audience laughing]

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Eh?

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As my comedian friend Tomás García says,
"Not all of his ducks are in a row."

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[chuckling]

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In fact,
I think even within the world of soccer,

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he sometimes has a hard time.

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For example,

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in tournaments like the Copa del Rey,
the Champions League,

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they're knockout competitions, right?

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You win a match
and move to the next round.

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I'm telling you this
since Málaga doesn't qualify for these.

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[audience laughing]

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So yeah,
he's had to deal with this tons of times.

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You know how it works, right?
There are two matches,

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and the team that has scored
the most goals moves on to the next round.

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If there's a tie,

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the team that scored the most goals
on the away field moves on.

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Because in theory, that's harder, right?

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You can imagine
how often this happens to Messi.

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Let's pretend, okay? I'll make it up.

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Copa del Rey, semifinals.

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Barça versus Málaga. We're pretending.

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The first match is
at La Rosaleda Stadium, okay?

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"Rosaleda" or "Ledarosa."
You can say it either way.

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At La Rosaleda,

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they tie 3-3.

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Three-three here in Málaga.

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At Camp Nou, or Nou Camp, they tie 1-1.

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The ref blows the whistle.

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Whenever the whistle blows
during a Barça match, there's a camera

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that focuses on Messi wherever he is.

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Normally, he's at midfield,
but when this happens, he looks like this…

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Like a flying saucer

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dumped him there at that moment,
and he was clueless.

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Watching the match at home,
I feel for the guy.

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I say, "Can someone please explain to him
what's going on?"

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It's even tougher now
because his best friend isn't there.

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He plays in Japan now.
You know Iniesta was his best friend?

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His best good friend.

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If you looked at his contact list,
it'd say "AAAndresito. Best friends."

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So look at older videos
from other matches.

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The first guy that goes to Messi,

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pretending he's just
giving him a hug is Iniesta.

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But he's whispering,
"We made it to the next round, Messi."

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And he goes… [laughing exaggeratedly]

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[audience clapping]

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I think he's so sweet.

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I think Messi's so sweet.

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Messi is the type of guy that,
when under a ton of pressure,

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like during the Champions final,

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when the whole world's watching
and waiting for Messi to score,

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eightieth minute, they're tied, 1-1,

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Messi is the type of guy
that would say stuff like this.

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A guy is injured. While he gets help,
Messi goes to the sideline,

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and he'd say something like this…

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[panting]

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"Wow, this water tastes great."

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He'd go and score off
a midfield bicycle kick.

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That's Messi in a nutshell.

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He's afraid of training bibs.

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I learned about that recently.
A phobia of training bibs.

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Several years ago,
there was this photo online

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00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,800
that caused quite a stir.

252
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,400
This photo came out a while ago.

253
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,160
People said, "Wow, he doesn't know
how to put on a training bib."

254
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,120
Come on.
Clearly, he's just messing around.

255
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,200
Like when you miss a goal
and you go, "Ugh!"

256
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,800
I don't think
he's trying to push his face through.

257
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,640
He knows there's no… right?

258
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,560
Anyway, you know how people get,
Messi this, Messi that.

259
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,600
Whatever, that's what happened.

260
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,200
About two or three weeks later…

261
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:44,720
another picture came out online. This one.

262
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000
[audience laughing]

263
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,800
It says UNICEF, which is like…

264
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,680
You gotta see…

265
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,480
all the memes they made with this photo.

266
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:05,880
I didn't bring any since they're not mine,
but they're all incredible.

267
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,400
My favorite is the one
where he's in Elliot's bicycle basket

268
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,640
on the way to the moon.

269
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,720
Big deal. He's putting it on.
The photo's bad.

270
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,080
That's all. People can be so mean.

271
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:21,560
Anyway.

272
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,640
Three or four weeks later…

273
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,240
this came out.

274
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,880
[audience laughing and clapping]

275
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,160
I mean, I can't stick up for him anymore.

276
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,400
This picture makes me want
to call his mom and ask her,

277
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,680
"During labor, which hole
was he trying to go through?"

278
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,640
Anyway.

279
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680
Cute Messi jokes aside,

280
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,400
Lionel Messi, as a figure, fascinates me.

281
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:03,400
It's fascinating
how a person can be so powerful

282
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,920
and so vulnerable at the same time.

283
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,720
The whole world says Messi is a god,

284
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:15,920
but if Argentina is suddenly knocked out
of the World Cup, people want to kill him.

285
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,680
Literally, they want to kill him.

286
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,560
And I'm like,
"Come on, he's doing his job."

287
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,160
He's trying to do his best
like the rest of us.

288
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,520
But since he's such a public figure…

289
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,800
This could be applied
to any soccer player,

290
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,720
any athlete, any artist,

291
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:35,520
actor, musician, journalist,
even any comedian.

292
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,680
As public figures,
we're in the fucking line of fire.

293
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,080
Depending on whether we mess up or not,

294
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:46,200
we could get lynched
by an angry mob, an enraged throng.

295
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,800
It's like, "Wow."

296
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,120
That's tough, right?

297
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,040
I'm done talking about them.

298
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,320
Let's take a step back
and think about society as a whole,

299
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,200
about where all the hate comes from.

300
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,120
Don't you feel it?

301
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,680
Doesn't it feel like society is, like,

302
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,320
oozing with hatred?

303
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,080
And this started way before the pandemic.

304
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,840
I've been doing this set
for a few years now.

305
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,560
Didn't you feel that,
even before coronavirus,

306
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,960
people were mad?

307
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,640
People are pissed off, man.

308
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,320
People are constantly on edge.

309
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,120
When someone screws up,
we don't help them.

310
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,160
We point fingers, so we don't get blamed.

311
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,800
This fucking "gotcha" culture.

312
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:29,120
Don't you feel it? I get that there are
tons of factors at play.

313
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,800
There are many reasons
why society is oozing with hatred.

314
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,320
I get that some people are out of work,

315
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,880
or they have shitty jobs,
or can't pay the bills.

316
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,000
It makes sense if you're bitter
'cause you gotta tighten your belt.

317
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,560
That could be a very valid reason.

318
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,200
I get that we live in a society

319
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,600
where reckless politicians push us around.

320
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,440
It's like they're governing
from a schoolyard.

321
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,440
I get that this pisses us off.

322
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,120
I get that we're bombarded
with inflammatory journalism

323
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,680
that just constantly pisses us off.

324
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,960
I get that.
Social media can really piss you off.

325
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,760
I don't know about you, but Instagram…
I have an Instagram, and I feel like

326
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,920
everyone on it is way happier than me.

327
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,840
I could look at my neighbor's profile

328
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,520
and say, "That's my neighbor?
But he's a loser!"

329
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,600
But I see him on Instagram,
and I'm like, "I want to be him!"

330
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480
It happens.

331
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,160
And I bet a lot of you think
I forgot about a few factors,

332
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,480
but there is one I want to talk about.

333
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:31,960
I think it's a factor

334
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,280
that nobody notices because we're…
[straining]

335
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,440
And that's stress.

336
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,320
Stress.

337
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,040
People forget about it
since you can't see it.

338
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,840
Like Wi-Fi, you can't see it.

339
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,200
But it will cost you.

340
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,920
Think about it for a second. Stress.

341
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:53,600
Stress.

342
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,680
You repress…

343
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,480
-your stress.
-[audience clapping]

344
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,760
"Seriously, did he really just do that?"

345
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,880
"Stick to jokes."

346
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,800
I'm gonna talk about
my relationship with stress

347
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,640
up until now at the age of 40.

348
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,440
Uh, I left Málaga when I was 17, 18.

349
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:19,840
You're not stressed then
'cause you don't give a fuck.

350
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,480
I could barely spell "stress."

351
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:25,000
My life in Málaga was not stressful.

352
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:29,080
At 17, 18 I moved to Granada.

353
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:33,560
It's an Andalusian city.
It's even smaller. What else can I say?

354
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,840
It's bohemian.

355
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,440
There's culture, art, music, muses.

356
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,880
Basically everything is
within walking distance.

357
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,320
It's all so close together.

358
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,280
So, sure, no stress in Granada.

359
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,240
But…

360
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,840
about 13 or 14 years ago,
I moved to Madrid.

361
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:59,240
I wanted to do this for real,
and that's where you make your mark.

362
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:03,240
So I went telling myself
I wouldn't lose my Andalusian identity,

363
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,200
my flow, my chill vibe, you know?

364
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,880
So I got to Madrid all calm.

365
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,120
Rented a place, moved in.
Well, put my boxes down.

366
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,880
Please, I didn't unpack.
I dropped my stuff and said,

367
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,160
"Time for a walk.
I will not get stressed on my first day."

368
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,240
I'd heard about Retiro Park,
so I said, "I'll go to Retiro."

369
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,280
I said, "With such a grand name,
it can't be that bad."

370
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,880
"All right, let's go." I don't go anymore.

371
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,680
I never go there now.

372
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,280
I thought you could go for a nice walk,
get inspired.

373
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,800
No, you need a rearview mirror.

374
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,240
There are cyclists, runners, ducks…
"Fuck this shit!"

375
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,160
I left saying,
"This is a human centrifuge!"

376
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:47,240
But it turns out it's not just Retiro,
it's all of Madrid.

377
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:52,720
The whole city, any neighborhood,
Usera, Malasaña, Legazpi, take your pick.

378
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,200
The crowds of pedestrians…
Have you seen how they walk?

379
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,520
I'm like,
"That guy is off to defuse a bomb."

380
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,280
"So is he, but going the other way.
What's going on?"

381
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,160
One day, I decided to watch
this guy that was in a rush.

382
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,320
I'm like, "Let's see where he goes."

383
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,040
He ran into a wall and got stuck--
[imitates hitting wall]

384
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:11,080
I'm like, "Jesus, you're all robots."

385
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,320
-Am I missing something here?
-[audience clapping]

386
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,280
Some sort of zombie apocalypse,

387
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,040
some bit of news I haven't heard?

388
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,080
Like snipers are on rooftops saying,

389
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,440
"If anyone stands still
for more than 20 seconds,

390
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,640
I'll blow their brains out!" Come on, man.

391
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,200
Driving in Madrid?

392
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:35,920
Driving in Madrid.

393
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,160
You have no idea what it's like.
I got my license in Granada.

394
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,200
I didn't use fourth gear for eight years.

395
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,200
Sweet mother of God, they drive fast!

396
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,560
They just randomly switch lanes!

397
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,320
It must cost 20 euros

398
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,480
every time you use your turn signal there.
Those fuckers are cheap!

399
00:20:56,560 --> 00:21:01,120
Driving in Madrid, you gotta guess
what the guy in front and behind is doing.

400
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,760
I say, "I'm busy enough
deciding what the fuck I'm gonna do!"

401
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,120
But the scariest part about Madrid
isn't the cars flying by.

402
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,920
It's the cars that are stopped.

403
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,640
Those things terrify me!

404
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,440
I'm driving in Madrid.
There's a red light, and I'm like,

405
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,680
"Please don't let me be at the front."
Bam! I'm there first.

406
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,080
It's so fucking stressful!

407
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,440
There I am… [imitates engine running]

408
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,800
the farm boy that should never stick out.

409
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,360
I broke four steering wheels from stress.
And I'm like, "Stay sharp. It'll be fine."

410
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,320
"No one is going to yell at you. Come on."

411
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,240
At one point, I saw the blonde from Grease
with the kerchief,

412
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,680
"Come on, boys!" And I'm like, "Let's go!"

413
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,000
And, suddenly, I hear the horn behind me…
[imitates horn honking]

414
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,560
I look back, I look forward, still red.

415
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,520
-I'm like, "That fucker time traveled!"
-[audience laughs]

416
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:56,000
He bent the Cartesian axes, space-time.
That damn Marty McFly!

417
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,080
[audience clapping]

418
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:03,600
What about dating?

419
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,840
Dating?

420
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,160
This doesn't just happen in Madrid.
It's everywhere.

421
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,760
What's with dating now?
Why does it move so fast?

422
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,880
Look, I'm not some cranky old man. I'm 40.

423
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,640
But I can't wrap my mind around it all.

424
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,560
I asked my friend,
"How do people date now?"

425
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,520
"You don't just go out for a beer
or meet up?"

426
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,000
He said, "No way."

427
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,960
"Now it's through apps."
I was like, "What?"

428
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,160
"Yeah, through apps."

429
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,720
I was like, "Apps?"
He's like, "Yes, yes."

430
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,520
"You can flirt from home."
I said, "Really?"

431
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,800
He was like,
"Yesterday, I got matched while shitting."

432
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,360
-I was like,"What?" He said, "Yes."
-[audience laughing]

433
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:46,480
It happens.

434
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,680
She says, "What a nice guy."
And my buddy gets a match while taking…

435
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:52,800
And I'm like…

436
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,840
I'm like, "What are those apps?"

437
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,960
He goes, "There's a ton of them!"

438
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,360
"There's Grindr, Tinder, Winder, Fringer,

439
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,360
Chatsky, Forchis, Bikin, Bondis, Brendis,
Truskis, Frosties,

440
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,240
Chisquis, Tejeringuis, and AdoptaUnTío.

441
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,520
-I'm like…
-[audience clapping]

442
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,200
"Can I have some paper
to write this all down?"

443
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,920
And I see people using these apps,
and I'm lost.

444
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,080
It looks like a video game.

445
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,840
He goes,
"Check this out. Yes, no, yes, no."

446
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,360
Of course, I tried it.
I went to meet up with a chick,

447
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,680
turned the corner, and said,
"Hey, I'm Dani."

448
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,680
"I don't give a shit. Give me cock.
Now go the fuck home."

449
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,840
I came home, stood in the dark

450
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:47,040
in my living room for a while, like…

451
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,240
-"I'm not sure if I fucked or not."
-[audience laughing]

452
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,480
There's no trace.

453
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,480
It happened so fast.

454
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:02,560
Now, dating is like…

455
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,560
watching shows on Netflix.

456
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,440
That's fine and all, but…

457
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:10,920
it goes so fast.

458
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,080
This has happened to all of us, right?

459
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,080
It's Tuesday, 9:00-9:30 p.m.
You get home from work.

460
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,440
You make yourself a quick dinner and say,
"Well, I'll watch an episode on Netflix."

461
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,520
The show and season don't matter.

462
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,560
Wherever you are,
in whatever series you're watching.

463
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,240
You put on the episode,
throw the remote somewhere, and…

464
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:31,960
Well, it starts because you press play.

465
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,440
That's why it starts. "Isn't that nice?"
And the show's great by the way.

466
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,320
You think I'd talk shit
about Netflix right now?

467
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:43,600
And you're like, "This actress is amazing.
I didn't expect… wow!"

468
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,040
"Holy shit,
those special effects aren't cheap."

469
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,560
The episode ends and you say,
"I'll brush my teeth and go to bed."

470
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,760
As you get up, you see "next episode"
out of the corner of your eye

471
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,240
and then, "Six, five, four…"
You search for your phone.

472
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,800
"Three, two, one…" Now you have to watch.

473
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,000
You have to. You can't break the hypnosis.

474
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,680
I watched every season of Money Heist
in one night. Don't ask me how.

475
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,720
I've gone through Netflix, all of it.

476
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,360
I've lost my job, my family.

477
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,280
I'm rewatching
the second season of Friends.

478
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,880
And I can't remember
anything that happened!

479
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,960
[audience clapping]

480
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,520
Can't remember a thing!

481
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,680
That's not how you enjoy things.

482
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,640
I'm not talking about dating
like my parents did.

483
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,000
I don't know, but more or less
how it was 20 years ago.

484
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:35,280
It was a little more…

485
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:39,800
Look, dating used to be like
watching shows on regular television.

486
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,880
And that was perfectly fine,
but at a different pace.

487
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,000
Same scenario.

488
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,800
Tuesday night, 9:30. You get home
from work, make a quick dinner,

489
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,440
and at 9:20 you think,

490
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:57,880
"I'll turn it on at 9:30

491
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,080
because they've been running ads all week…

492
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,920
saying that the show airs at 9:30."

493
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,720
You start heading to
the living room around 9:25…

494
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,840
just in case…

495
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,200
they air it early, right?

496
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,600
So you sit down with your dinner.

497
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,000
It's 9:25.

498
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,080
It's 9:30, and you go, "All right."

499
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:26,840
[clears throat]

500
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,640
It's 9:40.

501
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:33,680
It's 9:45, and you go,

502
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,040
"Maybe the guy
who's supposed to press the button…"

503
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:41,760
Shit happens, right?

504
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,920
It's 9:55… I don't know about you,

505
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:49,000
but I have this thing where,
when I'm watching a movie or show

506
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,560
and have dinner, I like to start eating

507
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,920
when it starts, like at the same time.

508
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,480
So I'm there thinking, "Just wait.
It's going to get cold…"

509
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,880
"My salad is going to get cold."

510
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,320
And at 10:15…

511
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,600
the show starts. Great.

512
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,960
And it's very good. You're like,

513
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:13,280
"That's awesome!"

514
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,200
"Those two actors always work
so well together."

515
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,800
"Wow, look at the production values.
My goodness!"

516
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,000
Then a voice says, "We'll be back
from our commercial break in March."

517
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,120
And you go,
"Okay. I'll get on with my life."

518
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,840
"I'll go to college,
get a tan this summer,

519
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,200
and then watch next year." Come on!

520
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,560
[audience clapping]

521
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,240
There has to be some middle ground, right?

522
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,520
I have to admit
that I gave into the stress of Madrid.

523
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,520
But about nine years ago,

524
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,200
someone came into my life

525
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:52,760
and changed it completely,
changed how I understood life, its pace.

526
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,720
It was my first dog.
Her name is "Taterface." Okay?

527
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,280
She's alive today. We're roommates.

528
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:01,960
She's an elderly lady.
She's always sitting.

529
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,040
I don't know how she moves.
I look over and there she is.

530
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,680
Then I go to my room, and she's there.
I never see her move.

531
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,920
Like a cartoon character hopping around,
like Goku teleporting.

532
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,640
I've never seen her walk.

533
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:21,040
-But I go somewhere and she's there.
-[audience clapping]

534
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:22,760
Anyway, apart from that…

535
00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:26,680
Um…

536
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:29,560
something happened to me
while I was with her.

537
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,240
It completely changed me. Hold on.

538
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:36,240
Don't worry, I'm not gonna do the whole
"My dog is super special…"

539
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,200
No. I think we're a bit fed up.

540
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,680
At least I am. I'm a bit fed up
with dog people that are always like,

541
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,280
"My dog is so…" Hold on a second.

542
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,720
Who's got a dog here? Raise your hand.

543
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,560
Damn, that's a ton of dog people.
Great. I thought so.

544
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:52,720
As I got in, I went… [sniffing] "Oof."

545
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,160
-[audience laughing]
-It's fine. I'm used to it.

546
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,600
You'll have to forgive me,

547
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,400
but I think you dog people are…

548
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:04,760
a fucking cult.

549
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:10,200
You're insufferable.

550
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,320
I try not to go to the same parks
at the same time every day

551
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,680
or talk to the same owners
'cause it's gotten to the point where

552
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,320
if I see one a third time,
I want to punch them.

553
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:24,560
Because here's the thing. Maybe it happens
in other countries, but in this country…

554
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:31,440
five percent, at most, of the dogs

555
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:33,720
are imposing, majestic, right?

556
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,800
Undeniably, objectively beautiful.

557
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,120
So very few people can say,
"Look at my beautiful dog."

558
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,480
And the dog goes… [exclaims]
And you're like, "Fine."

559
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,960
But 95% of dog owners…

560
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,680
have mismatched socks, junkyard dogs.

561
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,280
[audience laughing]

562
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:55,640
If it's not missing an eye, it's missing
a leg or walks on the diagonal.

563
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:57,640
So you say, "Look how cute my dog is."

564
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:00,440
I go, "We could sit, talk this out,
but I don't have time."

565
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,440
So when you can't say
your dog is beautiful,

566
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:06,480
which most of us can't do,

567
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,560
what's your argument?
How do you brag about your dog?

568
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,280
In this country, you brag by saying,

569
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,960
"My dog is so smart."

570
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:23,080
Everybody has
the smartest dog in the world.

571
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,400
Yup, I've had it up to here
with smart dogs.

572
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,240
Come on! As if Spanish universities
were full of dogs.

573
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,800
I have this lovely neighbor in Madrid.

574
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,840
She's in her sixties.

575
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,280
She has a dog, and since she knows
I'm all about dogs,

576
00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:43,520
she thinks I care about
everything she tells me about her dog.

577
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,920
I'd go as far as to say,
"If your dog is happy and healthy,

578
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,320
I could give two shits about your dog."
How about that?

579
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:55,080
The other day, she waylays me
on the landing. "Dani…"

580
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,120
She says, "Dani, my dog is so smart."

581
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,800
"Listen to this."

582
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,360
"I get up really early in the morning

583
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:04,840
and take the dog out."

584
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:06,600
"He does his business. We go in."

585
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,360
"I feed him,
drink my coffee, have some toast,

586
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:11,320
and hit the streets."

587
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:16,120
Because that's what the elderly do.
They don't go outside.

588
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,280
They hit the streets.

589
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,320
I've heard this ever since I was a kid.
Every morning,

590
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:25,240
I was afraid an old guy would fall out
his window and crush me.

591
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,520
There comes an age when you decide to
"hit the streets."

592
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,520
She says, "I hit the streets."

593
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,600
"I run errands,
and then I'm back around 3:00 p.m."

594
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:37,760
"Get this, Dani."

595
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:40,520
"I live on the first floor."
I go, "I know, we're neighbors."

596
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:46,320
"I go up the stairs.
I don't make a sound, Dani. Not a sound."

597
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:49,640
"I'm a ninja."

598
00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:57,000
"I spent five years in Matsumoto…

599
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,000
training for any eventuality."

600
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,920
"Back in my village,
they call me 'The Vacuum Sealer.'"

601
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:09,240
She says…

602
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,080
She had her skirt hiked up to here,
her slip, tights…

603
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,200
"Dani, I take out my key.
No noisy key chain."

604
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,000
"And I go up to the door."

605
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,080
[whispers] "I put the key in."

606
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,600
"The door opens a bit,
but doesn't make a sound."

607
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,040
"I'd sprayed some lubricant."

608
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,000
[in English] The ninja door.

609
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,080
[in Spanish] She goes…

610
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,440
"So I open the door a tiny bit, like…"

611
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,760
[exclaiming] "Just this much."

612
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,560
"His snout is there
'cause he knows it's me!"

613
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:52,960
I go, "For fuck's sake!"

614
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,840
-"Un-fucking-believable. Look…"
-[audience clapping]

615
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,360
"Listen up, neighbor, and listen good."

616
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:03,640
"You left at 8:00 a.m. The dog fell asleep
in his bed in the living room."

617
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:07,000
"At 8:30, he heard
a noise and thought it was you."

618
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,320
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

619
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,800
"Then someone buzzed your neighbor,
he thought it was you."

620
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:17,600
"He went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

621
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,560
"He farted, thought it was you,

622
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,440
went to the door, realized it wasn't,
and went back to bed."

623
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:28,000
"Before you got here, the dog went
down the hall to the door 737 times

624
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,080
to see if it was you."

625
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,960
-"You just saw his last lap, dumbass."
-[audience laughing]

626
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:37,080
"But the dog did
the fucking Way of St. James in a day."

627
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,160
[audience clapping]

628
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:47,720
"Oh, he's so smart, Dani."

629
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:52,480
"Sure, but when he eats some junkie's shit
in the park, you don't say anything."

630
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:55,200
"You keep that to yourself."

631
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,760
"I was scolding him the other day…"

632
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:01,080
She never says why.

633
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,720
Maybe he ate a five-foot-long scarf.

634
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,040
"Look how smart he is."

635
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,840
"I was scolding him, and I said, 'No.'"

636
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:11,480
"'Don't do that.'"

637
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,280
"Listen, Dani. He was just looking at me,

638
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:16,680
with a look on his face…"

639
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:20,520
Here comes the line
that I absolutely despise. She goes…

640
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:25,360
"It was like he was about to speak."
[laughing]

641
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,880
"He was about to speak? Dogs don't speak!"

642
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,960
"No fucking dog has ever talked!"

643
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:35,080
"And one more thing,
if I ever see that dog speak,

644
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,840
I'll kick him out the window."

645
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,200
"You schizo!"

646
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,240
I'm fucking sick of smart dogs, and…

647
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,360
Forgive me,
I'd rather be honest, that's all.

648
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:52,520
You're getting to know the real me. Sorry.

649
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:56,520
I wouldn't even grab a coffee
with a dog person.

650
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:58,440
Sorry.

651
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,080
And you cat people…

652
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:08,160
[audience laughing]

653
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,160
[speaking gibberish]

654
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,360
[audience clapping]

655
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:19,400
All right.

656
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:21,840
Who has a cat? Don't be shy.

657
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,240
I can't go and slap you
'cause of coronavirus.

658
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:25,600
Come on, who has a cat?

659
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,720
That's a lot people,
fewer than dog people, but okay.

660
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:31,000
By the way,
does anyone have the combo pack?

661
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,040
What do you have?

662
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,160
Three dogs and two cats.
What's next, a wild boar?

663
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,400
Well, those of you with the combo pack,

664
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,400
this next thing isn't about you.
You're off the hook.

665
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,320
You people that just have cats…

666
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,280
forgive me, but I think you have…

667
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:54,280
[audience chuckling]

668
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,240
…an inferiority complex…

669
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:02,600
a severe one.

670
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:07,360
You cat people spend
all your time and energy,

671
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:12,160
trying to convince everyone else,
even though nobody asked you,

672
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:15,520
that having a cat

673
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,120
is better than having a dog.

674
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,240
-[audience clapping]
-That a cat…

675
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:22,600
is better…

676
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:24,320
than a dog.

677
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:30,600
I say, "Invest your time and energy
in whatever your want."

678
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:36,480
What pisses me off is
that 95% of your argument is this,

679
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:39,200
"My cat, wow. My cat is the best."

680
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:42,200
"I get home…

681
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,280
and my cat comes to say hi."

682
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,040
"He wants to be petted"6

683
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:48,240
"He gives me his paw."

684
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,960
"I throw him a ball of yarn,
and he goes and gets it."

685
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:52,360
"It's like…

686
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:54,240
he isn't even a cat."

687
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,440
"He's like a dog." Are you fucking stupid?

688
00:36:58,520 --> 00:36:59,680
[audience laughing]

689
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,400
What you want is a dog!

690
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:06,120
Seriously.

691
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,120
I'm sorry, but…

692
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:13,000
if you have dogs or cats,
don't talk to me on the street.

693
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,600
-It won't end well.
-[audience laughing]

694
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,720
And you people with kids…

695
00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:26,720
[audience laughing]

696
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,760
Why are you parents like that?

697
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,600
You turn into jackasses
when you become parents.

698
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,520
For example, women.

699
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:47,520
What's your deal? As soon as you become
a mom or know that you'll be a mom,

700
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,360
your operating system crashes.

701
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,680
No, it's true. I don't know
if it's your software or your hardware…

702
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:58,120
I've never understood the difference.

703
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,280
But you start getting
these system failures.

704
00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:05,200
[laughing]

705
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,200
For example, units of measurement.

706
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:09,560
You start to mix them all up.

707
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,240
You get them all wrong.

708
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,520
The other day, I called a friend of mine.
We hadn't spoken in years.

709
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,080
I had no idea how she was.

710
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:21,960
I call her and say, "Hey! How are you?
It's so great to hear from you…"

711
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,400
She goes, "I'm a mom now."

712
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:28,120
I'm like, "Wow, that's great! How old?"
She says, "192 weeks."

713
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,400
I was completely caught off guard.

714
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,520
Should I give the kid a toy or cigars?

715
00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,640
I mean, "Are you really gonna make me
go grab a calculator?"

716
00:38:43,720 --> 00:38:45,720
[audience clapping]

717
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:56,840
You're buying groceries. The cashier says,
"That'll be 1,532 cents."

718
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,480
-Wouldn't that piss you off?
-[audience laughing]

719
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,640
We have larger units of measurement
that make life easier.

720
00:39:02,720 --> 00:39:04,880
So, please don't do that to us.

721
00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:06,960
[audience clapping]

722
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,880
You parents are obsessed.

723
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,760
You're obsessed with teaching stuff
to your kids before they're old enough.

724
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,160
Why? So you can brag.

725
00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:24,000
"My son was walking at nine months." Why?

726
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,960
Why pressure the other kid, their parents?

727
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,600
And everything your kid does is special.

728
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,560
"Look how he poops on the hardwood floor!"

729
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,160
"Isn't that amazing?"

730
00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,360
I'm like, "Yes, it is, since he's eight.
It's amazing."

731
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,480
You're obsessed!
We shouldn't pressure them.

732
00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:47,840
Let them learn things at their own pace,

733
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:51,000
give or take a few months.
As long as it's not extreme, right?

734
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:51,960
I don't know.

735
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:54,880
As a kid, the only thing I did

736
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:56,840
five months ahead of schedule

737
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:59,680
was eat Christmas cookies in August.
That's it.

738
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:06,680
So, my friend…

739
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:12,400
She's from Málaga. Bea, my best friend.
We've been friends since we were kids.

740
00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:17,240
She's a wonderful woman.
She's kind, generous,

741
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:20,440
a beautiful person. She's a genius,
a medical professional, a doctor.

742
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,520
Whatever you want to call it.

743
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,160
She's a big deal, top of her class.
She's the shit.

744
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:26,800
An exceptional woman.

745
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:30,280
She has two kids.
When she had the first one,

746
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,680
she wanted me to be the godfather.
I was thrilled.

747
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,920
So whenever I come down to Málaga,
I try to make time to see them.

748
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:38,600
When…

749
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,560
the kid was about six months old,
I went to her house.

750
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,480
"Hi, Bea." "Hi, Dani. How are you?"

751
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,560
I go, "Where's Paquito?"
"He went shopping," she says.

752
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:51,000
Paquito is her husband.

753
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:53,080
[audience chuckling]

754
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,120
And I go, "Where's Nico?" Now he's the…
She says, "There he is, in the…"

755
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,760
Maybe it was a crib or…
wherever the kid was laying.

756
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,440
"There he is. He just woke up."

757
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,920
So I went over… I don't know about you,
but I talk to babies in a normal voice.

758
00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:12,120
Okay? I have no say since
I'm not a parent, as far as I know,

759
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:14,560
but I use a normal voice.
I have this thing.

760
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:16,680
No matter how little they are,

761
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,560
they're smarter than we think. Right?

762
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:23,800
I imagine some baby lying in a bed,
a crib, whatever.

763
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,960
The baby just sees
people drift in and out of view.

764
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,680
And they're going…

765
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,920
[speaking gibberish]

766
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:36,680
The baby must think,

767
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,120
"I got stuck
with the biggest morons in Málaga."

768
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,080
[audience clapping]

769
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,120
"Either that, or I'm from
the House of Bourbon. I don't know."

770
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,200
I mean, I try to talk normally.

771
00:41:56,280 --> 00:42:00,080
I'm not saying go over there
and talk about the stock market.

772
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,000
But I just act normal.

773
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,720
My friend Bea is right here. I go over.

774
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,240
"What's up, Nico?
How are you doing, handsome?"

775
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,440
"You're so handsome.
I've missed you so much."

776
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,880
Suddenly, I hear…

777
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:15,000
[childlike voice]
"Look how much I've grown, Godfather."

778
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:29,240
"The booties you gave me
don't fit anymore."

779
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,880
[normal] "Bea?"
Remember, she's a doctor. "Bea?"

780
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,480
[childlike voice]
"No, it's me, your godson."

781
00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:42,560
[audience clapping]

782
00:42:45,240 --> 00:42:48,280
"I'm here in the crib."

783
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,480
"I've gotten so big."

784
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,080
"Haven't you noticed?"

785
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,520
[laughing]

786
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,120
[normal] I'm like, "At least cover
your fucking mouth, Jesus!"

787
00:42:59,680 --> 00:43:02,760
At what point
did parents become ventriloquists?

788
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,520
I don't get it.
Let him speak when he's ready.

789
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,160
But don't speak for him. It creeps me out.

790
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,640
You want to speak
and do everything for them.

791
00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:13,680
He's six months old, "Look how big he is."

792
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,600
You're all obsessed with growth.

793
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,640
Nine months, "Look at him." I go, "Okay."

794
00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:22,680
A year and half, "What a growth spurt!"

795
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,000
Two years, "Look, he's huge."
I go, "Of course, Bea. He's a kid!"

796
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,640
"Of course, he's growing. That's normal."

797
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,160
"That's nothing extraordinary."

798
00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:35,800
"It would be extraordinary if,
at six months, he were this tall."

799
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,200
"And this tall after a year."

800
00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:40,840
"And this tall after 1.5 years."

801
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,640
"If at age two, I go, 'Bea where is he?'"

802
00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:45,000
"You go, 'Get this,
he got back in my pussy.'"

803
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:45,960
I'd say, "Damn!"

804
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,880
"Now, that is extraordinary!
Call Mulder and Scully!"

805
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,480
"Call the news networks!"

806
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,760
"But in the meantime,

807
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,920
as long as you don't stick him
in a terrarium with a fucking iguana,

808
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,840
the kid will keep growing according to

809
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:04,040
physiological and nutritional standards
set for kids in first-world countries."

810
00:44:05,240 --> 00:44:06,840
You're so fucking obsessed.

811
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,920
It's not like we're gonna eat them.
They're kids, not suckling pigs.

812
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,480
That got a bit out of hand. Sorry.

813
00:44:19,440 --> 00:44:21,800
It's just that sometimes this stuff…

814
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:22,800
Forgive me.

815
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:24,960
[puffs]

816
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:31,440
Wow, this water tastes great.

817
00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:33,640
[audience clapping]

818
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,760
Well, sorry. As I was saying…

819
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,520
I lost my train of thought.
Taterface, remember her?

820
00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:42,720
This is how, with Taterface,

821
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:45,080
I got rid of my stress
when I lived in Madrid.

822
00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:47,400
Instead of bragging about her,

823
00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:49,960
I'll show you a photo,
so you can see what she looks like.

824
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,520
You'll hear the most unbiased version
of the story possible,

825
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,320
then we'll move on to something else.

826
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,480
No fantasy, no magic,
no Gandalf, no Pied Piper, no bullshit.

827
00:44:59,080 --> 00:44:59,920
This is Taterface.

828
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,720
-[audience] Aww.
-All right?

829
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,600
It's like she's about to speak.

830
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:17,680
[audience clapping]

831
00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:27,800
She's facing us, okay?

832
00:45:29,080 --> 00:45:32,280
People in the back must be like,
"Ass or elbow?"

833
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:36,600
She's a lovely dog.

834
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,000
The only thing is
that she puts on weight easily.

835
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:42,720
I have to walk her a lot
and keep an eye on her food.

836
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:46,360
She had an appointment with the vet
she's had forever for a checkup.

837
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:50,520
They looked in her ears and all that.
The vet puts her on the scale

838
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:52,960
and says, "Dani…" [wincing]

839
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:54,880
"…that's some serious girth."

840
00:45:55,720 --> 00:45:57,720
[audience laughing]

841
00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:08,000
I'm like, "Yeah, a bit girthy."

842
00:46:09,560 --> 00:46:13,480
I'm thinking, "I hope she's talking about
my dick and not the dog."

843
00:46:13,560 --> 00:46:16,080
"Getting her to slim down is hard enough."

844
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:20,160
This is nothing. It'll go down
as soon as I'm barefoot in a cathedral.

845
00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:22,120
[audience laughing]

846
00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:27,320
You guys laugh as if you've been
barefoot in a cathedral plenty of times.

847
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,160
[audience clapping]

848
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:31,880
Taterface came into my life

849
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,760
at a time when I was living alone,

850
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,720
really busy with work,
really stressed out.

851
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:39,640
I knew nothing about owning a dog.

852
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:44,000
Now I do. If you'll allow me
to give you some advice about pets,

853
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,760
a dog, a cat, do it right, give it love.

854
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,320
Take care of it. Give it good food,
go to the vet…

855
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,160
Just do it right.

856
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:55,040
Seriously. It's a living thing
and has feelings.

857
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:58,360
It's not a fascist.
Let's try to take good care of it, okay?

858
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:02,200
-So, I remember it was a Tuesday.
-[audience clapping]

859
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:03,800
I got up that morning,

860
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:06,600
I get up, take her downstairs
to do her business.

861
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,480
We go up, eat breakfast, and I go to work.

862
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:11,600
I come home at 4:00 p.m.
and have 30 minutes

863
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:15,720
to take her out to do her business
before I have to cross all of Madrid.

864
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:17,840
So, I take her down, all stressed out.

865
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,680
And if you're stressed,
your dog picks up on that.

866
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:24,560
I'm like, "Come on, a little poop.
Go on, pee. I'm gonna be late."

867
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:28,120
She pees and poops,
and we head home through the park.

868
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:29,320
I'm rushing.

869
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:34,200
I'm super late and she stops. I'm like,
"Come on, Tater. Come on, Taterface."

870
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,800
And I look to see why she won't move.

871
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:41,920
I see that she really wanted
to stop for a moment

872
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:44,080
because she wanted

873
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:46,360
to smell a flower.

874
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:50,480
I stood there watching…

875
00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,080
and thought everything made sense.

876
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:59,320
That's when I said, "Hold on,
maybe this is what life's all about."

877
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:04,840
"Maybe life is about sometimes
stopping for a second…

878
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:06,800
to smell a flower."

879
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:08,960
I took out my phone…

880
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,360
canceled my two afternoon meetings,
postponed the next day's meeting,

881
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:14,640
turned off my phone,

882
00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,200
put it in my pocket,

883
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:18,800
let her loose in the park and said,
"Taterface…

884
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,400
this afternoon is for you and me."

885
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,200
"This is our afternoon."

886
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:26,480
Yes, sir.

887
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:28,120
That was it.

888
00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:30,720
[audience clapping]

889
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,800
That day changed everything for me.

890
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,280
For her, too. She had a blast.

891
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:43,720
She hid in the bushes,

892
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:45,440
peed wherever she wanted,

893
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,080
smelled whatever she wanted,

894
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:50,400
played with some kids,
they assaulted her a few times.

895
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:51,640
We had a blast.

896
00:48:55,720 --> 00:48:59,840
Since then, my life has been closely tied

897
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,720
to dogs, specifically,
and animals in general.

898
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,840
I live with three dogs.
Some summers, I have five or six.

899
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:10,680
Plus I've symbolically adopted a donkey,
a chimp, a gorilla, an orangutan…

900
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:12,520
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪

901
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:14,840
-That got out of hand.
-[audience clapping]

902
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:15,920
Anyway…

903
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:22,040
I'm not gonna give the typical speech
about how dogs are better than people.

904
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,360
No, that's too simplistic, right?

905
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:28,200
But it is true that,
after living with them for so long,

906
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:31,800
you notice things that show
that they're better than us. A few things.

907
00:49:31,880 --> 00:49:33,680
I'll tell you a couple.

908
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:36,960
Dogs don't have pockets,
and that's to their advantage

909
00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:40,200
because they live…
they don't care about material things.

910
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,760
You're gonna go out. They say,
"You're putting my collar on? Fuck yeah."

911
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:48,400
"You're putting on my harness, too?
Fuck yeah."

912
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:52,440
"You're putting on my pink,
glitter jacket? Well, fuck you."

913
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:53,480
"But fine. Go."

914
00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:55,480
-[audience laughs]
-Plus, I can see it.

915
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:59,560
When I close the door,
she looks at me like,

916
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:02,240
"I wouldn't mind
if you left your keys in there."

917
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:06,600
Or you get to the vet,
one of the most expensive things there is.

918
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:10,960
The vet says, "All that'll be 300 euros."
I look at the three of them. They're like…

919
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:13,920
"I don't have…" And the other one…

920
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:16,000
[audience laughing and clapping]

921
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:20,760
"I just rolled out of bed."

922
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:24,160
There's another aspect

923
00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:27,080
in which dogs are superior to us.

924
00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:28,840
Dogs and cats, too.

925
00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:32,760
Male dogs and cats, female dogs and cats.
Non-binary dogs and cats, all right?

926
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:36,120
I'm sure lots of you have thought
about this before

927
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,800
because it's classic.

928
00:50:37,880 --> 00:50:40,000
I hope there aren't any kids in the room.

929
00:50:40,520 --> 00:50:43,520
Dogs and cats have the ability

930
00:50:44,160 --> 00:50:45,160
to

931
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:46,600
lick

932
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:48,480
their bits.

933
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:54,000
Someone went…

934
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:57,640
"Are you sure?"

935
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:02,240
My dog Buyo is an expert at that.

936
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:04,040
I adopted him second.

937
00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:07,880
He's in there all day, getting after it,
putting in work, going to town.

938
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,520
I look at him
with a mix of hatred and envy…

939
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:11,840
[exclaiming]

940
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:14,280
"Buyo. That's enough."
And he's going at it…

941
00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:18,400
He's getting back at me. I took his balls,
he's like, "Let's polish this dick."

942
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:20,400
-I'm like, "But…"
-[audience clapping]

943
00:51:20,480 --> 00:51:22,240
And he keeps going.

944
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:26,240
He can go a good 20 minutes.

945
00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:29,960
Once his back is warmed up, it's ass time.
And I'm like, "Goddamn!"

946
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:32,080
I often ask myself,

947
00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,880
"Doesn't he feel embarrassed
doing that in front of people?"

948
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:38,040
Embarrassed? A dog? Embarrassed?

949
00:51:39,040 --> 00:51:42,160
An animal that can look you
straight in the eye while shitting.

950
00:51:45,720 --> 00:51:47,880
When's the last time you made
eye contact while shitting?

951
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:50,800
You can't remember, right?
They're better than us.

952
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:53,240
Here's a rhetorical question.

953
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:57,320
If you could lick your bits, would you?

954
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:01,040
Food for thought.

955
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,480
I'll let you think about that one.

956
00:52:04,560 --> 00:52:06,240
Of course, you won't answer now,

957
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,880
but tomorrow
over breakfast with your mother…

958
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,080
Classic table talk. "Hey, Mom. Would you…"

959
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:15,120
Here's another question, all right?

960
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,400
This one is just for the guys

961
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:20,720
that said "yes" to the first question.

962
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,480
Okay? You guys that would do it…

963
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:26,000
Okay? Get ready for it.

964
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,480
I only see the top half of your face,
but it looks naughty.

965
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:34,840
You're one of the chosen ones.

966
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:39,320
If you could lick your bits,

967
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:41,480
and you would do it, the question is…

968
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:46,840
would there be a heads up?

969
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:52,920
Think on it. No need to answer.

970
00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,880
That's very personal,

971
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,480
but I love making you think a little bit.

972
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:00,520
I'll tell you what I'd do.

973
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:02,840
I don't care. I got nothing to lose.

974
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:06,920
I just got back from saying
"fuck you" to St. Peter. Think I care?

975
00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:10,160
For example, if I could, would I?

976
00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:12,000
Obviously! Obviously!

977
00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:18,240
I've been doing it since 19…
I've been trying to do it since 1991.

978
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:22,840
I've given it my all,
but I'm just not that flexible.

979
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:28,160
I think that, in some cases,
the spine is overrated.

980
00:53:28,680 --> 00:53:31,000
I've never seen
a sad slug in my entire life.

981
00:53:31,840 --> 00:53:32,880
Now…

982
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,840
regarding the second question,

983
00:53:36,520 --> 00:53:38,400
if I could and would…

984
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:42,000
that heads up…

985
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,040
No.

986
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:54,120
[audience laughing]

987
00:53:55,040 --> 00:53:58,640
I'd keep quiet like a bitch.

988
00:53:58,720 --> 00:54:02,760
I'd create my own sustainability loop.

989
00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:04,640
I supply.

990
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:06,240
I demand.

991
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:11,600
Since I'm vegan,
a little bit of protein wouldn't hurt.

992
00:54:11,680 --> 00:54:13,760
[audience clapping]

993
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:16,600
And when I finish, a kiss on the cheek
and nighty night.

994
00:54:16,680 --> 00:54:18,240
Come on! Of course!

995
00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:21,920
Of course, I would!

996
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:24,000
[in English] Open your mind.

997
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,120
[in Spanish] It's all yours.

998
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,400
Do unto others
as you would have them do unto you.

999
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:37,880
Be a good Christian.

1000
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:44,000
Forgive me.

1001
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:46,160
I'm sorry I'm so unhinged today.

1002
00:54:46,240 --> 00:54:48,800
I'm saying stuff
you wouldn't expect me to say.

1003
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:50,800
Maybe some of you are disappointed.

1004
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:53,240
But it is what it is.

1005
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,760
I hate lots of things, too.
I know that's wrong,

1006
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,200
but everybody hates stuff.
I hate, I don't know…

1007
00:55:01,720 --> 00:55:05,440
I hate waiting in line, man.
I can't do it.

1008
00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:08,080
I hate when
my neighbor starts renovating at 8:00 a.m.

1009
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:10,200
I lose it.
I'd kill him with my bare hands.

1010
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,760
I hate when my toast gets cold.

1011
00:55:12,840 --> 00:55:16,520
I hate when I get out of the shower
and need to poop.

1012
00:55:16,600 --> 00:55:18,080
I'm like, "Goddamn it."

1013
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:26,040
But as a human being,
there's something worse,

1014
00:55:26,120 --> 00:55:29,440
hating people, not just situations.

1015
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:31,440
Well, I hate people.

1016
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:35,960
But it's worse than that. When I confess
that I hate specific people,

1017
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:38,360
they're people that nobody hates.

1018
00:55:38,440 --> 00:55:40,880
But I can't stand them. I'm sorry.
I need to confess.

1019
00:55:40,960 --> 00:55:42,080
I'm letting it all out.

1020
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:44,920
I want you to know who I am.

1021
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:47,160
I hate Rafa Nadal.

1022
00:55:47,240 --> 00:55:49,960
-[audience chuckling]
-I hate him to the core.

1023
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:52,320
Not just now. Since the beginning.

1024
00:55:52,400 --> 00:55:53,440
I can't stand him!

1025
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:54,720
Rafa Nadal. Rafa Nadal.

1026
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:57,720
"The best athlete of all time."
"The best Spanish athlete."

1027
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:00,080
Kids love him. Moms love him…

1028
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,160
He sets a good example.
Handsome, dignified, ethical, polite.

1029
00:56:03,240 --> 00:56:05,280
Twenty Grand Slams! Twenty!

1030
00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:09,240
Why do you need so many Grand Slams?
Spread the love around.

1031
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:13,040
For fuck's sake!

1032
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:17,440
A few years ago, in France,
I'm not sure, I think he was reported

1033
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:20,800
'cause they said he was doping
in a tournament, the Roland Garros.

1034
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:23,760
Imagine what it was like
leading up to the trial.

1035
00:56:24,360 --> 00:56:26,680
What the poor guy went through,
the defamation…

1036
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:27,880
then the trial.

1037
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,680
Obviously, Nadal won
because he hadn't been doping.

1038
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:33,680
And they had to pay him some serious dough

1039
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:36,640
for damaging his reputation,
image, and whatever.

1040
00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:40,320
Do you know what he did with the money?
With that fat check? Do you?

1041
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:42,680
He donated it to a French NGO.

1042
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:45,600
Doesn't he deserve
a forehand to the fucking face?

1043
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:49,720
Fucking Rafa Nadal. Mallorca's flooded,
and there he is.

1044
00:56:49,800 --> 00:56:52,920
There he is, cleaning it up.
Is there no one else in Mallorca?

1045
00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:55,240
There's no one else. You have to be there.

1046
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:58,360
-With 20 Grand Slams in your house.
-[audience laughing]

1047
00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:02,240
I hate Meryl Streep. I hate her.

1048
00:57:02,320 --> 00:57:04,400
Meryl Streep Fighter 2. I hate her.

1049
00:57:05,680 --> 00:57:09,800
The best actress of all time.
Every performance is authentic, organic.

1050
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,480
Everything, all her movies. All of them.

1051
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,200
Plus, she's an activist, a feminist.
She's committed.

1052
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,760
[laughs] All her movies are up for Oscars.

1053
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:21,000
Enough already, Jesus! Stop being so good!

1054
00:57:21,080 --> 00:57:22,360
It's disgusting.

1055
00:57:23,960 --> 00:57:26,000
What about Angelina Jolie?

1056
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:30,000
In addition to being a great actress,
she's smoking hot.

1057
00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:32,320
At what age will she stop being so hot?

1058
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:34,360
[audience laughing]

1059
00:57:35,400 --> 00:57:37,960
She's got a genius level IQ,

1060
00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:42,840
and she goes around, picking up
homeless kids. "Come on, let's go home."

1061
00:57:43,600 --> 00:57:46,080
She's got 'em in every color except blue!

1062
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:54,840
I hate Broncano!

1063
00:57:58,640 --> 00:58:00,120
I hate Vicente del Bosque!

1064
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:02,600
I hate Clara Lago!

1065
00:58:03,360 --> 00:58:04,920
I hate Sergio Dalma!

1066
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:09,280
I hate that asshole, Antonio Banderas!

1067
00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:13,240
[audience laughing and clapping]

1068
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:17,480
I've had it!

1069
00:58:21,600 --> 00:58:22,800
I saw him the other day.

1070
00:58:22,880 --> 00:58:26,240
Twenty years older than me
but could be my little brother. Fuck him!

1071
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:34,280
But if there's someone over whom I'd pump…

1072
00:58:36,880 --> 00:58:38,000
or dump…

1073
00:58:42,720 --> 00:58:44,360
No, excuse me.

1074
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,120
They both work.

1075
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:52,240
Yeah, depending on
which end you want it to come out of.

1076
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:59,080
Anyway, if there is one person over whom

1077
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:01,160
I would give a pour

1078
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:03,280
or au pair…

1079
00:59:05,560 --> 00:59:08,240
of all my hate and contempt,
without a doubt,

1080
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:10,160
that person is

1081
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:11,960
Hugh Jackman.

1082
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:17,440
I can't stand him.
He's my arch enemy, my nemesis.

1083
00:59:18,640 --> 00:59:19,920
This is Hugh Jackman.

1084
00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:24,640
There he is.

1085
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:29,240
International, Australian, actor,
Hollywood, fame.

1086
00:59:30,480 --> 00:59:32,480
For many years, in tons of magazines,

1087
00:59:32,560 --> 00:59:35,720
he's been called the most handsome,
attractive man in the world.

1088
00:59:35,800 --> 00:59:36,640
Look at him.

1089
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:38,880
That facial symmetry.

1090
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:42,360
Those godlike features.

1091
00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:47,200
[stammers] That physique,
chiseled by the gods of Olympus.

1092
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:51,680
Those pores,
each one oozing with Stendhal syndrome.

1093
00:59:54,200 --> 00:59:56,400
That fucker washes
his shirts with his abs.

1094
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:03,440
And one day, I felt like saying,
"He's not that handsome. He isn't."

1095
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:05,720
So I compared myself.

1096
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:11,280
Then the hate started.

1097
01:00:12,320 --> 01:00:15,360
That's how the saying goes, right?
Comparison breeds hate.

1098
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,320
This is how it started.

1099
01:00:22,960 --> 01:00:25,360
No worries, you can laugh. I'm over it.

1100
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:29,360
Plenty of years of therapy.
I know it's overwhelming at first, like,

1101
01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:32,520
"How can they be from the same species,
yet so different?"

1102
01:00:33,160 --> 01:00:34,320
"They have the same parts!"

1103
01:00:34,400 --> 01:00:37,960
Maybe you need to get into the details.
Don't worry, I'll analyze it for you.

1104
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:40,920
You'll see why we're so different.
I have a problem, lots of them.

1105
01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:43,400
But we'd be here four hours.

1106
01:00:43,480 --> 01:00:46,160
My eyes, for example. My eyes.

1107
01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:51,760
I hope this gets subtitled.

1108
01:00:53,440 --> 01:00:54,440
My eyes.

1109
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:58,920
The thing is,
my eyes are small, very small.

1110
01:00:59,000 --> 01:01:00,680
Small and close together, right?

1111
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:02,440
Very small, very close.

1112
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:06,440
If they were
any bit closer together, you'd say,

1113
01:01:06,520 --> 01:01:08,280
"Something's wrong with him."

1114
01:01:16,520 --> 01:01:18,760
I can't watch 3D movies.

1115
01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:21,760
The glasses are too wide.
I can't get a lens over each eye.

1116
01:01:21,840 --> 01:01:24,680
I don't perceive depth.
It's not worth the ticket price.

1117
01:01:26,880 --> 01:01:28,960
I can't get fat, ma'am. I can't.

1118
01:01:29,040 --> 01:01:32,520
If I do, my face gets fat,
but my eyes stay small and close together.

1119
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:34,440
My face gets away from me.

1120
01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:38,760
My face looks like
the holes of a clown button.

1121
01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:43,840
And my nose? How about my nose?

1122
01:01:44,480 --> 01:01:47,960
People don't notice my nose
'cause there are big ones in this country.

1123
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:49,600
But look out for mine.

1124
01:01:49,680 --> 01:01:52,520
I have a little kid's elbow
glued to my face.

1125
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:55,760
Watch out.

1126
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:59,080
It'd take me three trips
to clear out a glasses store.

1127
01:02:00,240 --> 01:02:02,240
[audience laughing and clapping]

1128
01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:08,200
I've never had glasses fall of my face.

1129
01:02:08,880 --> 01:02:11,560
Fucking never,
and I got punched as a kid, okay?

1130
01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:14,280
Always the same side.That's why it's bent.

1131
01:02:15,360 --> 01:02:16,720
When I was little,

1132
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:19,920
I was part of a swim club in Málaga.

1133
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:23,480
In the summer we'd go
to Misericordia Beach to swim.

1134
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:26,520
And, of course,
my specialty was backstroke.

1135
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:31,240
But I had to switch.
When I did it, my friends went…

1136
01:02:31,320 --> 01:02:33,960
[imitating suspenseful music]

1137
01:02:34,040 --> 01:02:35,720
I was like, "Stop it, you dicks!"

1138
01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:39,240
"Okay, everybody swim
to the buoy and back."

1139
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:40,360
I never went.

1140
01:02:40,440 --> 01:02:43,800
Since my keel's bent, I'd go in circles
like an amputee in a canoe.

1141
01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:49,080
And it's sharp.

1142
01:02:49,160 --> 01:02:51,240
If you get close, you'll see it's sharp.

1143
01:02:51,320 --> 01:02:55,120
You're like, "No big deal."
No, it is a big deal sometimes. It is.

1144
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:57,480
"No way." And I'm like…

1145
01:02:59,200 --> 01:03:00,920
There have been times when…

1146
01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:02,960
Hmm.

1147
01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:09,160
I've had cunnilingus
turn into a C-section, calling 911.

1148
01:03:09,240 --> 01:03:11,240
[audience laughing]

1149
01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:17,160
And I didn't choose my worst photo.
This one's professional.

1150
01:03:17,240 --> 01:03:19,720
I used this for stand-up sets years ago.

1151
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:23,000
After it had been circulating online
for two or three months,

1152
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:25,320
I looked and realized it.
"Hold on, hold on."

1153
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,640
"I'm missing an ear."

1154
01:03:31,720 --> 01:03:33,720
[audience laughing]

1155
01:03:36,960 --> 01:03:40,000
I'm like, "How? I'm looking
straight at the photographer."

1156
01:03:40,960 --> 01:03:42,960
As if I were looking there,
he said, "Dani!"

1157
01:03:43,040 --> 01:03:46,440
I turned, and he took the photo
before the rest of my body got there.

1158
01:03:47,800 --> 01:03:49,240
Am I Picasso's grandson?

1159
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:54,320
So he's more handsome than me.
What can I say?

1160
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:55,480
Hugh Jackman, one.

1161
01:03:55,960 --> 01:03:57,120
Dani Rovira, zero.

1162
01:03:57,600 --> 01:03:59,440
But it didn't end there.

1163
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:01,440
This is when our battle began.

1164
01:04:01,520 --> 01:04:03,760
It was the start of an intense battle.

1165
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:06,880
Every day, looking for things
that I was better at.

1166
01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:09,600
For years now…
He has no knowledge of this, okay?

1167
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:11,080
It's my thing.

1168
01:04:11,600 --> 01:04:14,760
"I must be better at something,"
I thought. I'm super competitive.

1169
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,520
I'm like, "Of course, dogs!"

1170
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:20,480
I'm here in Spain, helping dogs

1171
01:04:20,560 --> 01:04:23,160
so they get adopted,
so they aren't abused or abandoned,

1172
01:04:23,240 --> 01:04:24,320
changing legislation…

1173
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:26,720
I go, "I doubt
this guy also happens to be…"

1174
01:04:27,320 --> 01:04:28,200
Look.

1175
01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:36,040
First, this is from a paparazzi.

1176
01:04:36,120 --> 01:04:38,600
He never looks bad in paparazzi photos.

1177
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:40,760
Look at him, all dressed up.

1178
01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,640
I wasn't even that dressed up
for my sister's wedding.

1179
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:46,240
And look at those doggies.

1180
01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:49,640
With a vest, in case it's cold or rains.

1181
01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:51,720
Look at the booties. Look.

1182
01:04:51,800 --> 01:04:53,960
Look at the white one.

1183
01:04:54,880 --> 01:04:55,800
He's a surgeon.

1184
01:04:58,960 --> 01:05:00,920
He just performed gallbladder surgery.

1185
01:05:03,040 --> 01:05:04,400
Or neutered a friend.

1186
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:12,040
Then there's this guy.

1187
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:18,520
I have no good paparazzi photos,
by the way.

1188
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:21,240
Look at my clothes.

1189
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:24,160
Winter, waist-up. Summer, waist-down.

1190
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:29,040
They caught me with a shit bag in my hand.

1191
01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,400
That is a bag full of shit.

1192
01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:33,440
The trashcan was so close.

1193
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:37,040
It makes you want to ask, "Paparazzi,
you couldn't have waited one minute?"

1194
01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:39,720
You can't fake glamour.

1195
01:05:40,600 --> 01:05:42,080
These are my two pooches.

1196
01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:44,920
The third one hadn't come
into my life yet.

1197
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:47,400
The little brown guy is Buyo,
Mr. Auto-felatio.

1198
01:05:49,760 --> 01:05:51,640
And the black cartoon is Taterface.

1199
01:05:54,040 --> 01:05:55,480
I think that's her face.

1200
01:05:58,080 --> 01:05:59,880
Otherwise, she'd be going backwards.

1201
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:05,280
Back there's a guy from the 16th century.
He appeared after it was taken.

1202
01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:08,280
Hugh Jackman, two.

1203
01:06:08,880 --> 01:06:10,040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1204
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:13,160
I'm like, "Man,
I gotta beat him at something."

1205
01:06:13,240 --> 01:06:15,800
I'm like, "This one will be close."

1206
01:06:15,880 --> 01:06:18,880
Look, I'm 40. That's a solid age.

1207
01:06:18,960 --> 01:06:21,360
I'm thin. I exercise.

1208
01:06:21,440 --> 01:06:22,960
I'm more or less…

1209
01:06:23,040 --> 01:06:24,400
I'm in shape, right?

1210
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:29,920
This guy's always been pretty buff,
but, shit, he's pushing 60.

1211
01:06:30,560 --> 01:06:32,440
Like that prick, Antonio Banderas.

1212
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:37,040
I'm like, "Maybe we've
currently reached an impasse,

1213
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:39,960
where he dips a bit and I…" Right?

1214
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:42,320
"And depending on the angle, maybe…"

1215
01:06:44,480 --> 01:06:46,200
This is from three years ago.

1216
01:06:53,280 --> 01:06:55,240
Yes, ma'am. You and I agree.

1217
01:06:56,120 --> 01:06:57,400
I'd fuck him, too.

1218
01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:08,240
These people are always beautiful.
Everything about him. His hair.

1219
01:07:08,320 --> 01:07:11,040
These people… No matter what he does,
his hair's fine.

1220
01:07:11,120 --> 01:07:13,400
Slap him in the face? His hair's fine.

1221
01:07:13,480 --> 01:07:15,880
Take his head out of the oven?
Hair's fine.

1222
01:07:15,960 --> 01:07:18,680
He's squinting from the sun,
but he looks handsome.

1223
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:21,520
Damn it, he's handsome! What about this?

1224
01:07:23,440 --> 01:07:24,840
Flat abs…

1225
01:07:31,520 --> 01:07:32,440
Then this guy.

1226
01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:37,400
[audience laughing and clapping]

1227
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:46,480
The sun's in my eyes, too. Okay?

1228
01:07:48,520 --> 01:07:50,920
But it must be a different time of day.

1229
01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:57,440
My hair's wet, too, but I look like…

1230
01:07:57,520 --> 01:07:59,120
a Roman caveman.

1231
01:08:03,240 --> 01:08:06,200
My teeth aren't big,
but here, I'm a beaver.

1232
01:08:06,280 --> 01:08:07,680
"Hello. I'm a beaver."

1233
01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:11,440
Just stick a padel racket up my ass,
and I'm a beaver.

1234
01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:14,480
[audience clapping]

1235
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:17,200
Sunburned shoulders.

1236
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:19,800
"How about a little fucking Photoshop?"

1237
01:08:19,880 --> 01:08:21,840
"Make me all red or all white,

1238
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:24,720
but not like that.
I look like strawberry ice cream."

1239
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:30,200
I look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame
fleeing the fire, all hunched over.

1240
01:08:30,280 --> 01:08:32,240
"I need to put my balls in water!"

1241
01:08:34,160 --> 01:08:35,400
[exhales]

1242
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:39,040
The eight euro Carrefour swimsuit
with worn elastic.

1243
01:08:45,680 --> 01:08:47,840
I'm missing a fucking arm!

1244
01:08:47,920 --> 01:08:50,960
[audience laughing and clapping]

1245
01:08:59,800 --> 01:09:01,120
Hugh Jackman, three.

1246
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:04,040
Dani Rovira, zero.

1247
01:09:05,960 --> 01:09:08,040
I'm like, "I can still win this."

1248
01:09:09,600 --> 01:09:11,680
There have been greater comebacks, right?

1249
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:15,000
A few months later…

1250
01:09:16,280 --> 01:09:17,240
I found this.

1251
01:09:19,600 --> 01:09:24,160
Hugh Jackman hosted the Oscars in 2009.

1252
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,360
I saw it.

1253
01:09:25,960 --> 01:09:27,520
The best Oscars…

1254
01:09:28,200 --> 01:09:32,640
The best Oscars ever.
No one had ever hosted like that before.

1255
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,960
Wow, this guy…

1256
01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:39,280
What a host! So classy! Such sharp comedy!

1257
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:43,160
That six-foot guy could dance.
He could sing.

1258
01:09:43,240 --> 01:09:47,920
He was thrilling. When it was over,
he went, as if saying, "Nailed it."

1259
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:50,640
The whole world fell at his feet.

1260
01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:52,640
No bad reviews.

1261
01:09:53,560 --> 01:09:54,600
"Nailed it."

1262
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:01,680
I hosted the Goya Awards
three years straight.

1263
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:06,200
The first, second, and then the third,
so they'd be in order.

1264
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:12,720
I'd never been criticized like that…

1265
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:17,160
ever in my entire life.

1266
01:10:17,240 --> 01:10:19,320
The next day, holy shit…

1267
01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:23,920
I came to Málaga to see my parents.

1268
01:10:27,280 --> 01:10:30,560
TV, radio, magazines,

1269
01:10:30,640 --> 01:10:34,640
critics, social media,
Thermomix, teletext.

1270
01:10:34,720 --> 01:10:37,800
I woke up one morning,
"Mom, that noise! Is it hailing?"

1271
01:10:37,880 --> 01:10:40,600
She goes "No, it's a shit storm.
Go back to sleep."

1272
01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:41,960
Come on!

1273
01:10:42,040 --> 01:10:45,840
Each show was over three hours long.
Three shows mean at least ten hours.

1274
01:10:45,920 --> 01:10:48,200
So, any good reviews?

1275
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,120
Even the algorithms

1276
01:10:54,840 --> 01:10:56,000
are against me.

1277
01:10:57,480 --> 01:11:00,960
Type "Dani Rovira Goyas" in Google.

1278
01:11:01,040 --> 01:11:04,240
Go to Images.
This is the first one you see.

1279
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:11,040
Hugh Jackman, four.

1280
01:11:12,760 --> 01:11:13,920
Dani Rovira, zero.

1281
01:11:15,040 --> 01:11:16,960
And when you let in four goals…

1282
01:11:18,520 --> 01:11:20,080
it's basically inevitable.

1283
01:11:21,920 --> 01:11:23,120
The fifth is coming.

1284
01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:27,720
The fifth hurts the most
'cause it's the last one.

1285
01:11:28,600 --> 01:11:32,280
And this is what hurts the most.

1286
01:11:34,120 --> 01:11:35,960
[audience chuckling]

1287
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,800
Hugh Jackman is…

1288
01:11:40,400 --> 01:11:41,560
Wolverine.

1289
01:11:43,880 --> 01:11:47,440
The best comic book character of all time.

1290
01:11:48,520 --> 01:11:51,840
That damn mutant son of a bitch.

1291
01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:55,480
[growling] The Wolverine!

1292
01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:58,960
The claws.

1293
01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:02,160
The pheromones.

1294
01:12:03,680 --> 01:12:05,280
The wolf.

1295
01:12:07,200 --> 01:12:09,000
What a hairy beast.

1296
01:12:09,080 --> 01:12:11,800
[audience laughing and clapping]

1297
01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:27,120
[audience clapping]

1298
01:12:40,920 --> 01:12:41,920
What a shame.

1299
01:12:45,760 --> 01:12:46,760
What a shame.

1300
01:12:48,920 --> 01:12:50,680
No further questions, Your Honor.

1301
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:52,440
Actually, yeah.

1302
01:12:52,520 --> 01:12:54,880
There's one more. One last question.

1303
01:12:54,960 --> 01:12:56,120
Here it comes.

1304
01:12:56,880 --> 01:12:58,640
You can answer. It's a simple one.

1305
01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:00,560
I would appreciate it if you did.

1306
01:13:00,640 --> 01:13:01,480
Um…

1307
01:13:02,360 --> 01:13:03,360
Did you laugh?

1308
01:13:03,440 --> 01:13:04,960
[audience] Yes!

1309
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:07,280
Well, there you go.

1310
01:13:08,520 --> 01:13:10,520
[audience clapping]

1311
01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:14,280
[audience cheering]

1312
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:20,560
[cheering intensifies]

1313
01:13:32,920 --> 01:13:34,600
Thank you very much.

1314
01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:39,120
Obviously, the applause goes both ways.

1315
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:41,120
It's for you as well.

1316
01:13:41,960 --> 01:13:45,320
Today, we all reached our goal.

1317
01:13:45,400 --> 01:13:49,960
You came to laugh,
and I came to make you laugh.

1318
01:13:50,040 --> 01:13:52,200
And we did it. We all won.

1319
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:53,560
And laughter won as well.

1320
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:58,080
And trust me, it doesn't matter at all…

1321
01:13:59,040 --> 01:14:00,760
why you laughed.

1322
01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:05,600
It doesn't matter if what I've said
up here is true or false.

1323
01:14:06,160 --> 01:14:11,000
It doesn't matter if I was
right or wrong in anything that I said.

1324
01:14:11,080 --> 01:14:14,920
It doesn't matter
if you agree or disagree.

1325
01:14:16,040 --> 01:14:20,240
You laughed because laughter
is so magical that it's above it all.

1326
01:14:20,320 --> 01:14:21,560
Do you really think…

1327
01:14:22,520 --> 01:14:25,880
do you really think I have all the hate

1328
01:14:25,960 --> 01:14:28,320
that I defended all night on this stage?

1329
01:14:29,280 --> 01:14:30,440
[audience murmuring]

1330
01:14:30,520 --> 01:14:35,040
Thank you for your vote of confidence,
but I must confess that I've had it.

1331
01:14:35,760 --> 01:14:37,000
I've hated a lot.

1332
01:14:37,080 --> 01:14:39,320
Even up until very recently.

1333
01:14:40,520 --> 01:14:43,440
But I realized something very recently.

1334
01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:46,120
Hate gets you nowhere.

1335
01:14:46,760 --> 01:14:50,240
Hate is a waste of time,
a waste of energy.

1336
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:54,960
Hate gets you ulcers, stress,
and even illnesses.

1337
01:14:56,120 --> 01:15:00,200
Do you really think all the people
I spoke about on this stage…

1338
01:15:00,280 --> 01:15:01,920
Do you think I hate

1339
01:15:02,000 --> 01:15:06,000
Sergio Dalma, Rafa Nadal, Hugh Jackman,

1340
01:15:06,080 --> 01:15:08,400
Antonio Banderas, Broncano, Clara Lago

1341
01:15:08,480 --> 01:15:10,920
or Vicente del Bosque? Do you, really?

1342
01:15:13,000 --> 01:15:15,320
I'd need 100 theaters like this one

1343
01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:19,280
to contain
all the admiration I have for them.

1344
01:15:20,080 --> 01:15:21,680
In fact, here's a secret.

1345
01:15:21,760 --> 01:15:25,720
When I started writing this show,
I didn't know how it would go.

1346
01:15:25,800 --> 01:15:27,720
I grabbed a pen and notebook

1347
01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:31,320
and started writing down
all the people I admire most.

1348
01:15:32,360 --> 01:15:34,480
From all walks of life.

1349
01:15:34,560 --> 01:15:38,040
Actors, actresses, singers,
scientists, poets.

1350
01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:42,480
Even anonymous people, my neighbors.
An almost infinite list.

1351
01:15:42,560 --> 01:15:45,760
Not everyone fit,
but do you know what I called it?

1352
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:49,720
My list of Halley's Comets.

1353
01:15:51,200 --> 01:15:54,520
I thought, "We're so lucky
to be able to live

1354
01:15:54,600 --> 01:15:58,200
surrounded by all these Halley's Comets."

1355
01:15:58,280 --> 01:16:02,320
Because, ultimately,
their existence makes our lives better.

1356
01:16:02,400 --> 01:16:05,600
They make us happier,
they inspire us, entertain us,

1357
01:16:05,680 --> 01:16:07,360
they help us to be better.

1358
01:16:08,080 --> 01:16:11,720
That's why I feel really bad
for people that grab stones

1359
01:16:12,560 --> 01:16:14,400
and throw them at Halley's Comets.

1360
01:16:15,840 --> 01:16:18,880
I thought it was absurd at first.
"You'll never hit a comet."

1361
01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:20,840
But sometimes it happens.

1362
01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:24,120
Sometimes it does, and, maybe one day,

1363
01:16:24,200 --> 01:16:28,280
you hit one and become the first asshole
to knock a Halley's Comet out of the sky.

1364
01:16:29,120 --> 01:16:33,600
We should never try to be like them.
When they were born, they broke the mold.

1365
01:16:34,200 --> 01:16:36,880
We'd drive ourselves crazy trying.
It's impossible.

1366
01:16:36,960 --> 01:16:38,640
Hopefully, one day,

1367
01:16:39,200 --> 01:16:41,320
we can end up being ourselves.

1368
01:16:41,760 --> 01:16:43,240
That would be a real victory.

1369
01:16:43,320 --> 01:16:46,600
Meanwhile, while we're working on it,
let's relax.

1370
01:16:47,120 --> 01:16:50,960
Let's calm down.
Let's stop competing with each other.

1371
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:53,960
Compete against yourself
to be a bit better than yesterday.

1372
01:16:54,040 --> 01:16:56,400
And let yourself have a bad day.
It's fine.

1373
01:16:57,000 --> 01:17:00,280
And if you happen to be number one
in something, great.

1374
01:17:00,360 --> 01:17:01,560
My hat's off to you.

1375
01:17:01,640 --> 01:17:04,600
But if you're number 1,534
in that thing, that's great, too.

1376
01:17:04,680 --> 01:17:06,880
You'll be much happier.

1377
01:17:06,960 --> 01:17:08,760
So much envy and hate.

1378
01:17:08,840 --> 01:17:12,080
Envy is mismanaged admiration.

1379
01:17:12,160 --> 01:17:14,680
Take your envy, your hate, your fear,

1380
01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,240
all your shit, put it here and channel it

1381
01:17:17,320 --> 01:17:20,360
into something that is worth it.

1382
01:17:21,480 --> 01:17:24,840
Hate is for cowards.
Do you know what the brave do?

1383
01:17:24,920 --> 01:17:27,040
They say, "I love you." That's what.

1384
01:17:27,120 --> 01:17:30,200
So get up, go home,
grab your mom by the collar, your father,

1385
01:17:30,280 --> 01:17:32,560
-tell them you love them.
-[audience clapping]

1386
01:17:32,640 --> 01:17:36,560
Tell your siblings,
friends, dogs, roommates.

1387
01:17:36,640 --> 01:17:39,760
Say, "I love you." There's nothing braver.

1388
01:17:39,840 --> 01:17:42,760
I want to share my life
with people that say, "I love you."

1389
01:17:42,840 --> 01:17:46,600
That's why I'm dedicating this show
to the most important person in my life.

1390
01:17:46,680 --> 01:17:48,680
Wherever you are, you're my inspiration.

1391
01:17:48,760 --> 01:17:51,000
This is for you. I love you, Messi!

1392
01:17:51,080 --> 01:17:54,080
["Going the Distance"
by Bill Conti playing]

1393
01:17:54,160 --> 01:17:55,960
[audience applauding]

1394
01:17:57,040 --> 01:18:00,240
[laughing exaggeratedly]

1395
01:18:03,080 --> 01:18:06,520
[uplifting music continues]

1396
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:14,240
Thanks so much, Málaga!

1397
01:18:16,080 --> 01:18:19,520
[uplifting music continues]

1398
01:18:27,680 --> 01:18:30,080
[clapping and cheering continue]

1399
01:18:42,680 --> 01:18:47,320
[music climaxing]

1400
01:18:53,400 --> 01:18:56,200
[clapping continues]

1401
01:18:57,200 --> 01:18:58,640
Thank you very much.

1402
01:19:11,840 --> 01:19:12,680
Just…

1403
01:19:13,280 --> 01:19:15,080
Thank you, really. Just…

1404
01:19:15,680 --> 01:19:17,160
just one more thing.

1405
01:19:17,240 --> 01:19:20,720
Before we go, I want to thank you
for deciding and making the effort

1406
01:19:20,800 --> 01:19:22,320
to come to the theater.

1407
01:19:22,400 --> 01:19:25,560
I always say that,
but even more so in these times,

1408
01:19:25,640 --> 01:19:29,640
because, ultimately,
it's a fact that live theater, movies,

1409
01:19:29,720 --> 01:19:33,680
wherever we can enjoy culture
are some of the safest places

1410
01:19:33,760 --> 01:19:35,000
on Earth right now.

1411
01:19:35,080 --> 01:19:38,320
Thank you so much for your courage
and commitment.

1412
01:19:38,400 --> 01:19:41,200
And when people come to see me live,

1413
01:19:41,280 --> 01:19:45,360
I like to give them one last tidbit
to get to know me better.

1414
01:19:45,440 --> 01:19:48,520
Above all, I hope
this gift helps you throughout life.

1415
01:19:48,600 --> 01:19:52,400
Maybe this is a little more familiar
to people in Málaga.

1416
01:19:52,480 --> 01:19:54,160
I'll start packing my props.

1417
01:20:00,280 --> 01:20:01,680
Before I run out of time.

1418
01:20:02,880 --> 01:20:04,880
Uh… [chuckles]

1419
01:20:04,960 --> 01:20:06,600
I started out as a storyteller.

1420
01:20:07,120 --> 01:20:10,600
In fact,
I started out at a tea shop nearby.

1421
01:20:11,120 --> 01:20:13,440
In the Mártires square,
the El Harén tea shop.

1422
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,680
I spent many years telling stories
before I became a comedian.

1423
01:20:16,760 --> 01:20:18,760
I could tell… I don't know,

1424
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:22,800
five hundred different stories
at one point. They were all special.

1425
01:20:22,880 --> 01:20:26,640
But I remember, one day,
I thought of a really short one.

1426
01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:29,360
It really affected me.

1427
01:20:29,440 --> 01:20:31,080
I kept it to myself.

1428
01:20:31,160 --> 01:20:33,880
It went with me everywhere.

1429
01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:39,440
As a kid, I kept it close to my chest,
like we say in Málaga.

1430
01:20:39,520 --> 01:20:41,560
I didn't tell it much.

1431
01:20:41,640 --> 01:20:45,560
I told it on very special occasions
to very special people.

1432
01:20:45,640 --> 01:20:49,920
But you grow up
and learn those should go hand in hand.

1433
01:20:50,440 --> 01:20:55,120
And I learned something
from reading a sentence some guy wrote.

1434
01:20:55,720 --> 01:20:57,440
Uh… Ghandi, whoops.

1435
01:20:57,520 --> 01:20:59,000
-Uh…
-[audience chuckling]

1436
01:21:00,960 --> 01:21:02,200
[laughs]

1437
01:21:03,240 --> 01:21:04,400
It went…

1438
01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:08,440
"You only lose what you cling to."

1439
01:21:09,200 --> 01:21:11,280
So I want to give you this little story

1440
01:21:12,200 --> 01:21:16,920
so you can tell it wherever you go.

1441
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:19,480
I'll also say
it's a pre-coronavirus story.

1442
01:21:19,560 --> 01:21:21,760
Maybe this isn't the best time to tell it,

1443
01:21:21,840 --> 01:21:24,680
but just imagine the story will last
for years to come.

1444
01:21:24,760 --> 01:21:26,560
It's my gift to you. Enjoy.

1445
01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:28,720
It goes like this…

1446
01:21:31,240 --> 01:21:32,760
"In a tiny village…

1447
01:21:34,440 --> 01:21:38,680
all the villagers awoke one morning
with sugar on their lips."

1448
01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:40,400
"But that morning,

1449
01:21:41,120 --> 01:21:42,720
the only people that realized it

1450
01:21:43,320 --> 01:21:45,960
were those that wanted to kiss someone."

1451
01:21:46,600 --> 01:21:48,600
So, my friends, go out there

1452
01:21:48,680 --> 01:21:51,160
and look for sugar
and sweetness in every corner.

1453
01:21:51,240 --> 01:21:52,720
Don't get bitter…

1454
01:21:53,400 --> 01:21:54,840
because life is beautiful.

1455
01:21:55,720 --> 01:21:59,400
["Eso Que Tú Me Das"
by Jarabe de Palo playing]

1456
01:21:59,480 --> 01:22:02,000
[audience cheering]