1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:11,845 [audience cheering and applauding] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,515 [Jim] Thank you! Thank you! 5 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:18,476 Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. 6 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:22,272 Thank you. Thank you. 7 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:26,651 Aw, thank you so much. Thank you. 8 00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,195 Aw… That's so nice. 9 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:32,824 That almost makes me forget we're all gonna be dead in a week. 10 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,701 [laughter] 11 00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:37,537 I'm kidding. It'll probably be a month. 12 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:38,663 [laughter] 13 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,374 Remember when we thought the pandemic was over? 14 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,584 [laughter] 15 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:43,710 Everyone was so happy. 16 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:46,087 [screams] "We did it!" 17 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,172 [laughter] 18 00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:50,050 We probably looked so stupid. [chuckles] 19 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,969 Everyone was patting themselves on the back. 20 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,138 "You know, I'm just glad I could help out the sick, 21 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,514 by staying inside." 22 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,308 [laughter] 23 00:00:58,391 --> 00:01:01,561 "It's not over? Well, I'm not going back in." 24 00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,063 [laughter] 25 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,939 "Those sick people have to die." 26 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,441 [laughter] 27 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,318 'Cause it's not over. 28 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,072 The pandemic is like a TV show you thought was canceled, 29 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,491 and then it got picked up by Netflix. 30 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,825 [laughter and applause] 31 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:16,993 Oh… 32 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:21,122 [clears throat] 33 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,460 I didn't really pace myself for another season. 34 00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:26,753 [laughter] 35 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:31,174 I don't know about you, I wasn't planning on seeing my family ever again. 36 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,550 [laughter] 37 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,260 Parents know the feeling. 38 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,430 It's like changing that diaper in the middle of the night. 39 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,683 You're exhausted. It's disgusting. 40 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:41,893 But you have to do it. 41 00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:45,396 So you change the diaper, you finally get the sleeper back on, 42 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,650 and as you gently lay the baby back in the crib, 43 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,819 you hear the diaper fill up again. 44 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:52,028 [laughter] 45 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,989 And that's what the year 2021 is. 46 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:57,700 [laughter and applause] 47 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,369 Over and over. 48 00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:02,914 [cheering] 49 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:06,292 It's just a diaper filling up over and over. [chuckles] 50 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:07,836 [laughter] 51 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:11,047 I kind of miss the early days of the pandemic. 52 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,173 Those were fun. 53 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:15,051 Back when we thought washing our hands would protect us. 54 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,261 [laughter] 55 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,680 "Everyone, wash your hands. We'll be fine." 56 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:20,390 "Okay." 57 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,642 [laughter] 58 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:25,478 Remember before there were readily available tests, 59 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:29,065 everyone had that friend that used to brag "Yeah, I already had COVID." 60 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,359 -[laughter] -"I had it back in '91." 61 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,153 [laughter] 62 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,989 "Yeah. Back then, it was called COVID-91." 63 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:37,448 [laughter] 64 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,535 "Had it a couple times. Got rid of it by washing my hands." 65 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,414 'Cause the symptoms were confusing. 66 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,999 They're still confusing. 67 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,625 It's like, "What are the symptoms?" 68 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:48,793 "Everything." 69 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,461 [audience laughing] 70 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,006 [stammers] "What do you mean, everything?" 71 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,383 "Asking a question is a symptom." 72 00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:57,719 [laughter] 73 00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:00,221 [grunts] "Well, that can't be true." 74 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,099 "Denial is a major symptom." 75 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,519 [laughter and applause] 76 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,689 Did you wipe down your groceries? I did that. 77 00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:11,065 It felt so silly. 78 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:14,485 You know, like, "I'm just a normal guy cleaning a Triscuit box." 79 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:20,325 [laughter and applause] 80 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:23,036 "Is this what OCD feels like?" 81 00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:24,621 [laughter] 82 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:28,124 Couple weeks later, you're like, "Nah, they look clean to me." 83 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,375 [laughter] 84 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,919 "I cleaned 'em." 85 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,295 [laughter] 86 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,255 But you had to take the precautions. 87 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,550 There was no uniformity. Everyone talked a big game, right? 88 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,927 "Oh, we're on lockdown." 89 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:40,553 "No work, no school, you know." 90 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:41,971 "We got our bubble." 91 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,641 "Bubble's just my family and these two people we see 92 00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,059 at a weekly sex party." 93 00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:48,478 [laughter] 94 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,480 "I figured, better safe than sorry." 95 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,776 'Cause we all went through the same pandemic, 96 00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:57,612 but we didn't have the same experience, right? 97 00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:58,738 There were factors. 98 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:00,615 Like, if you were 25 and healthy, 99 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:03,576 you're like, "Whatever. I'm going on a COVID cruise." 100 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,078 [laughter] 101 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,413 But if you were over the age of 25-- 102 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,290 and it may surprise you, but I am… 103 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,458 [laughter] 104 00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,127 …you watched the news more closely, right? 105 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,130 The news guys would be like, "High-risk people are older." 106 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:18,758 You're like, [stammers] "Well, how old?" 107 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,593 "Like old old, 108 00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,471 or didn't-have-a-cellphone- in-high-school old?" 109 00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:25,807 -[laughter and applause] -[grunts] 110 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:26,933 Right? 111 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:30,019 [applause] 112 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,898 'Cause nobody thinks of themselves as old. 113 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:34,816 [giggles] 114 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:39,612 The reality of your age just occasionally slaps you across the face. 115 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:40,530 [chuckling] 116 00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:43,700 I did this benefit for a hospital. It was a fancy event. 117 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,035 When I showed up, the woman running the event was like, 118 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,497 "Oh, my gosh. We went to the same college." 119 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:50,790 She was younger, but we talked 120 00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:53,459 and we realized we hung out at the same places. 121 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,170 At the end of the event, I was leaving and she ran up to me, 122 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,132 she was like, "I need to know what year you graduated college." 123 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,009 I was like, "1988." 124 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,928 And she was like, "Oh, my gosh. That's the year I was born." 125 00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,680 [laughter] 126 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,015 Slap! 127 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,310 Right across the face. [chuckles] 128 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:12,145 I didn't even know what to say. 129 00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:15,106 I was like, "Ah, that's the year I was born too." 130 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:16,983 [laughter] 131 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,360 She looked at me like, [nasal voice] "That's not funny." 132 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,529 And then I got in my car and stuffed food in my mouth 133 00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,197 until I stopped feeling anything. 134 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:26,034 -[laughter] -[grunting] 135 00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,871 Sometimes you had to decipher the news. Right? 136 00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,080 The newscaster would be like, 137 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:34,792 [in a deep voice] "The vulnerable are older and people with comorbidities." 138 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,586 You're like, "Co what?" 139 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,796 "Comorbidity." 140 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,674 Which eventually we figured out was just code for, 141 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,843 "All the fat asses are gonna die." 142 00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,678 [laughter] 143 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,181 But they couldn't say that on the news. 144 00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,641 They couldn't have Sanjay Gupta be like, 145 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,770 "Well, Anderson, all the fat asses are gonna die." 146 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,605 [laughter] 147 00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:58,483 So they said comorbidities. 148 00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,902 And at home, we were like, "Honey, what is a comorb--" 149 00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:02,403 "I don't know. Pass the gravy." 150 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:05,073 [laughter] 151 00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:08,993 In time, we figured out they were talking about fat people. 152 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:12,747 And if you were overweight, you were like, [stammers] "How fat?" 153 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:13,873 [laughter] 154 00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:17,835 Or like, "Are we talking Walmart fat or Jim Gaffigan fat?" 155 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:24,133 [cheering and applauding] 156 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,676 I got the message. 157 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,970 I dunno, I totally got the message. I started working out. 158 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,680 I started eating healthy. I was going good. 159 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:32,600 Then one day I looked in the mirror and I was like, "Ah, enough of that." 160 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:33,768 [laughter] 161 00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:37,063 Turns out, life or death, not the motivator you'd think it would be. 162 00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:38,606 [laughter] 163 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:39,732 "You could live longer." 164 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,109 "Not a good enough reason." 165 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:42,360 [laughter] 166 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,904 "Can you sweeten the deal, maybe throw in a pizza?" 167 00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,155 [laughter] 168 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,032 I tried. I tried. 169 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,867 My wife bought me a scale, 170 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:51,869 so the romance is still alive. 171 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,913 [laughter] 172 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,874 I didn't ask for it. She gave it to me as a gift. 173 00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,292 [laughter] 174 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,002 I could never do something like that. 175 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,548 "Happy birthday, honey. I bought you a scale and some makeup." 176 00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:05,508 [laughter] 177 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:07,218 "Just lookin' out for you, sweetie." 178 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:08,845 [giggles] 179 00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,304 It's a high-tech scale. 180 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:13,808 Comes with an app so the government can know how overweight I am. 181 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:15,852 [laughter] 182 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,062 I don't know why there's an app. 183 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,898 Maybe so I can be the victim of Ransomware. 184 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,316 [laughter] 185 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,069 [southern accent] "Pay up or we're telling everyone how fat you are." 186 00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,698 [shrill voice] "But I don't have any crypto currency." 187 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:29,740 [laughter] 188 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,327 [normal voice] I set up the app, stood on the scale, 189 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,497 my weight showed up on the phone, 150 pounds. 190 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,833 [laughter] 191 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,793 All right, it was over 200. 192 00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:44,672 -All right, it was way over 200. -[laughter] 193 00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:48,134 If it was an old-fashioned scale, you wouldn't see the number 200. 194 00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,302 [laughter] 195 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:51,804 But it was in the 200 family. 196 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,099 And underneath my weight, on the phone, 197 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:58,060 there was this word in small red lettering. 198 00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,146 I didn't have my glasses on so I asked my daughter. 199 00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:02,690 I was like, "What does that say?" She was like, "Obese." 200 00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,108 [laughter] 201 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:07,487 Slap! Right across the face. [chuckles] 202 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,991 I just looked at my daughter, I'm like, "Ah, I gotta update this app." 203 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:13,659 [laughter] 204 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:16,078 And then I ran to the kitchen and stuffed food in my mouth 205 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,622 till I stopped feeling anything. 206 00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:20,374 -[laughter and applause] -[grunting] 207 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,630 Still wearing masks. 208 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:28,382 There was that time when nobody had to wear a mask, right? 209 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:29,509 That was a fun day. 210 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,886 [laughter] 211 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:35,848 Remember the first time you went out in public without a mask? 212 00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,225 It was weird, right? 213 00:08:37,308 --> 00:08:40,478 You felt naked. You were like, "Oh, I'm so European." 214 00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:43,022 [laughter] 215 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,066 "What is this, the French Riviera?" 216 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,028 I was kind of tempted to wear, like, a thong mask. 217 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,154 [laughter] 218 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,199 You know, something tasteful yet naughty. 219 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,869 "I can see his cheeks, but there's still a mystery." 220 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,162 [laughter] 221 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,373 "Ooh-la-la." 222 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,210 ♪ Round and pale and mostly balding ♪ 223 00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:07,505 ♪ The boy from Indiana goes walking ♪ 224 00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:11,634 ♪ And as he does All the people he pass go ♪ 225 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:12,760 ♪ "Yuck!" ♪ 226 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,929 -[laughter] -[chuckles] 227 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:19,183 Initially, it was strange seeing other people's faces without a mask. 228 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,520 You wanted to go up to some people like, "You should stick with the mask." 229 00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:23,521 [laughter] 230 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,607 "It's a better look for you. You in a mask is better for everyone." 231 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,025 [laughter] 232 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:32,488 Did you meet anyone during the pandemic where you only knew them with a mask? 233 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,991 And then when you finally saw them barefaced, 234 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,617 you're like, "Yikes." 235 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:37,994 [laughter] 236 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,370 You felt like you were catfished. 237 00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:42,206 You're like, "Wow, your face doesn't match your voice at all." 238 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,165 [laughter] 239 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,792 "And who stole your chin?" 240 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,294 [laughter] 241 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,923 Of course, the biggest reveal of the pandemic 242 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,926 was how many crazy people there are. 243 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,011 [laughter] 244 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,679 That was a bit of a surprise. 245 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,849 We all knew there were some Unabombers out there, but, 246 00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,767 nobody thought there were that many. 247 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,060 [laughter] 248 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,605 Or that we were related to a couple of them. 249 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,148 [laughter and applause] 250 00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,274 You know? 251 00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:12,403 [cheering and applauding] 252 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,408 'Cause everyone had that relative or friend 253 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,619 that came out as bonkers. 254 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,997 "I no longer believe in reality." 255 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,832 [laughter] 256 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:26,125 "Good to know." 257 00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:30,171 It was like a gender reveal for insanity. 258 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:31,881 [laughter] 259 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,508 "The truth is no longer true." 260 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,926 "See you at Thanksgiving." 261 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,595 [laughter] 262 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,513 I feel like it happened for me more often 263 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:42,850 'cause I've always had friends that are eccentric thinkers 264 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,727 and they're normally really entertaining. 265 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:48,981 They're like, [deep voice] "Bigfoot's real, man. Bigfoot is real." 266 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,234 But that same person, at one point during the pandemic, was like, 267 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,487 [deep voice] "Tom Hanks eats babies." 268 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:56,697 [laughter] 269 00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:00,201 -"Don't say that." -[audience laughing] 270 00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:01,994 [deep voice] "Tom Hanks does eat babies." 271 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,914 "And if you don't believe that, then you eat babies." 272 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,457 [laughter] 273 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:07,583 [normal voice] "All right." 274 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,294 "Tom Hanks eats babies." 275 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,253 [laughter] 276 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,673 "He always seemed like a baby-eater to me." 277 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:19,679 The thing I missed most during the lockdown was restaurants. 278 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,138 I know that's a surprise. 279 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,181 [laughter] 280 00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,558 I didn't even realize how much I missed restaurants 281 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,644 'til the first time I went out to eat 282 00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,689 and I caught myself catcalling other people's food. 283 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:30,856 [laughter] 284 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,234 "Oh, yeah." 285 00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:35,111 [laughter] 286 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,238 "What I would do to you." 287 00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:38,948 [laughter] 288 00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:40,950 "Get me a fork and knife." 289 00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,576 [growling] 290 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,495 "Jim, you're in public." "Oh, sorry." 291 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,497 [laughter] 292 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,710 This is gonna kind of sound pandering, 293 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,797 but I believe the pandemic has been hardest on mothers. 294 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,883 -Definitely hardest on mothers. Right? -[cheering and applauding] 295 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,429 Or the men who had to live with those mothers. 296 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,472 [laughter] 297 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,225 It was insane for-- I don't know how my wife did it. 298 00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:09,520 We had five children doing distance-learning. 299 00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:10,646 And my kids were good. 300 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,898 They totally kept a distance from learning. 301 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,109 [laughter] 302 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,738 We asked children to do school 303 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:21,991 on the same device they play Minecraft. 304 00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:23,159 [laughter] 305 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,536 It's like holding a Weight Watchers meeting 306 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,121 in a Wendy's. 307 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:29,331 [laughter] 308 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,292 I mean, it was insane. 309 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:36,881 [cheering and applauding] 310 00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:39,550 I definitely gained an appreciation 311 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,136 for how difficult it is to be a teacher. 312 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:45,389 And what a poor career choice that was. 313 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,017 [cheering and applauding] 314 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,143 Right? 315 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:53,731 I guess it was, uh, after the first case of Scotch, I turned to my wife… 316 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,566 [laughter] 317 00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:59,069 …and I said, "When this is over, if there's even an opening, 318 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,614 I'll take you wherever you wanna go. Wherever you wanna go." 319 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,824 My wife was like, "I want to go to Hawaii." 320 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,368 And I was like, "I was thinking more Tri-State area." 321 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,204 [laughter] 322 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,540 She was like, "I wanna go to Hawaii and I wanna bring the kids." 323 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,459 And I was like, "Whose kids?" 324 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,169 [laughter] 325 00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:17,087 She was like, "Our kids." 326 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,715 I did the research, saw that it was cheaper than a divorce, 327 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,050 so we went to Hawaii. 328 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,343 [laughter] 329 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,220 And… [scoffs] 330 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,222 [cheering and applauding] 331 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:30,601 Hawaii is such a special place. It really is. 332 00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:32,645 It's like there's the "Aloha Spirit", 333 00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:35,606 where people greet each other with "Aloha," but I'm so awkward, 334 00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:38,734 so they'll be like, "Aloha," and I'll be like, "Hello ha." 335 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,319 [laughter] 336 00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:42,363 Does that mean something? That means… 337 00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:45,157 Even when I would use the Hawaiian terms properly, 338 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,283 it would backfire. 339 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,828 Like if I said, "Mahalo," the natives would look at me like, 340 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,539 -"You don't have to do that." -[laughter] 341 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,833 "Just nod your head and we'll bring you pork." 342 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,042 [laughter] 343 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,710 'Cause I stuck out in Hawaii. 344 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,504 I didn't even look like a tourist. 345 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:00,256 I looked like someone they brought in 346 00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,466 to make the tourists feel more comfortable. 347 00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,051 [laughter] 348 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:07,054 "You're fine. You wanna see awkward, look at Jim Gaffigan." 349 00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:09,306 [laughter] 350 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,434 Hawaii, it's incomparable to any other state. 351 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,353 It's a tropical paradise. 352 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:18,148 It's almost like Hawaii was this Polynesian island nation 353 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,650 that we just took over. 354 00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,235 -[laughter] -You know what I mean? 355 00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:23,237 Like, it wasn't even part of the United States. 356 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,197 We just went in like it was an open house. 357 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:27,366 "Nice. Nice." 358 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,367 [laughter] 359 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:30,870 "We could do our honeymoon here. We'll take it." 360 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,079 [laughter] 361 00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,039 The Hawaiians were like, "We're our own country." 362 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,917 "That's cute. I love your flower shirt. Gotta get one of them." 363 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,669 [laughter] 364 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,797 And Hawaiians will tell you, they'll come right up to you. 365 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,215 They'll be, "You stole this land." 366 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:46,802 And I'm like, "Don't know how to break it to you, but we stole all the land." 367 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,679 [laughter, applause] 368 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:51,473 "Probably just stings a little more 'cause it's pretty here." 369 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,851 [applause] 370 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,645 "Believe me, there's people in Detroit pissed at us." 371 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,230 [laughter] 372 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,317 My wife chose Hawaii because my wife loves the beach. 373 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,444 And as you can see, so do I. 374 00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,195 [laughter] 375 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:09,575 I spent the entire time applying and re-applying sunscreen 376 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,078 which, thankfully, makes my skin whiter. 377 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,164 [laughter] 378 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,208 What cruel bastard decided 379 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:22,046 that the goo that protects pale people from the sun 380 00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:25,341 should also make them look like White Walkers? 381 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:26,592 [laughter] 382 00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,677 It's… it's just cruel. 383 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,930 They should offer other colors. 384 00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,599 "Cool. There's one of the guys from Blue Man Group." 385 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,142 [laughter] 386 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:38,812 I don't even know why sunscreen is white. What was the thinking? 387 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:42,399 "Well, you know, those pale people love ranch dressing, so…" 388 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,484 [laughter] 389 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,861 "…let's keep it in their wheelhouse." 390 00:15:47,571 --> 00:15:49,949 'Cause I don't tan. I don't kind of tan. 391 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,034 There's no medium rare for me. 392 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,371 I either look like I've never been outside, 393 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,998 or I was just released from a burn unit. 394 00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,583 [laughter] 395 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,251 There's no in-between. 396 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,630 And I know people go to the beach to relax. 397 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,507 People find the beach very relaxing. 398 00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:07,800 Not so much for me. 399 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,469 It's like being allergic to bees 400 00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:13,263 and then, for vacation, becoming a beekeeper. 401 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:14,640 [laughter] 402 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,226 My one goal was to just not burn. 403 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,520 I didn't want to be the sunburned adult. 404 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:22,022 You see a kid with a sunburn, you're like, "Parenting is hard." 405 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,024 You see an adult with a sunburn, you're like, 406 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,442 "That's an alcoholic." 407 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,903 -[laughter] -Right? 408 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,029 'Cause… 409 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,073 [cheering and applauding] 410 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,784 A sunburn on an adult 411 00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:36,161 is like a scarlet letter 412 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,705 for poor judgment. 413 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:38,706 [laughter] 414 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,332 There is no excuse. 415 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,793 [gruff voice] "Well, I was caught off-guard this time." 416 00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:44,920 [laughter] 417 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,881 "I didn't know the fireball in the sky would be hot this time." 418 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,509 [laughter] 419 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:55,347 [normal voice] When we weren't at the beach, we did activities. 420 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,850 I went zip-lining for the last time. 421 00:16:57,933 --> 00:16:59,393 [laughter] 422 00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:02,062 What is wrong with us? 423 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:04,231 "Hey, you wanna feel like you're about to die?" 424 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:05,441 [laughter] 425 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,694 "Would you pay 200 dollars to feel like you're about to die six times?" 426 00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:09,695 [laughter] 427 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:12,406 Why don't you just walk into traffic? 428 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,243 "Did you see that bus almost hit me? I feel so alive." 429 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:18,287 [laughter] 430 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:21,040 Why don't you just take off your mask at a biker rally? 431 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,916 -[laughter] -You know? 432 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,504 -[cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] 433 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,634 If you've been zip-lining, you know to slow down, 434 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,511 you have to spread out your arms and legs. 435 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,804 That supposedly slows you down. 436 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,848 It also makes it look like a suicide. 437 00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:39,099 [laughter] 438 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:42,603 "Oh, if he didn't wanna die, why was he doing the chalk outline?" 439 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:44,396 [laughter] 440 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,357 It's such a weird-- How did they even come up with zip-lining? 441 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,611 [southern accent] "Hey, you know how telephone poles have a wire between 'em?" 442 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,280 "What if we just put the tourists up there?" 443 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,449 [laughter] 444 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,742 "Why would tourists do that?" 445 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:59,578 [southern accent] "Don't know. Why would they pay to swim with sharks?" 446 00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,038 [laughter] 447 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,664 [normal voice] We did go snorkeling. 448 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,083 I wasn't worried for myself 449 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,460 'cause I figured sharks would look at my legs and be like, 450 00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:07,753 "Those can't be real." 451 00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,671 [laughter] 452 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,342 "I'm not gonna bite into another mannequin, that's for sure." 453 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,844 [laughter] 454 00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:20,140 Sometimes, when my family would go to the beach, 455 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,017 I'd go for a hike by myself, 456 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,353 which was boring, but I figured how to make it fun. 457 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,939 I started bringing a ketchup packet, 458 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,566 and halfway through the hike, I'd open up the ketchup packet 459 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,401 and rub it on my hands and my face, 460 00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:33,987 then I'd just approach romantic couples. 461 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,447 [laughter] 462 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,074 "Have you seen my wife?" 463 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:40,035 [laughter] 464 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,411 [stammers] "No." 465 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,498 "But you heard her sassing off to me, right?" 466 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,417 [laughter] 467 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,419 "I can still smell her sin." 468 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,255 [laughter] 469 00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,382 "Jim, that joke's scary." 470 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:54,466 [laughter] 471 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,677 "That's a scary joke." 472 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,761 [laughter] 473 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,681 The pandemic continues, but we're… 474 00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,016 we're also processing part of the pandemic. 475 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,435 We went a year and a half with no weddings, 476 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,522 no kids' birthday parties, no family reunions, 477 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:10,357 but it wasn't all good news. 478 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,441 [laughter] 479 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,819 Right? [chuckles] 480 00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:18,365 -Right? Huh? -[applause] 481 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,451 Some things-- I don't think some things are coming back. 482 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,830 Like parades. I think that might be a wrap on parades. [chuckles] 483 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,957 [laughter] 484 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,377 There was never anything that impressive about a parade. 485 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,672 You're all like, "Hey, kids, look. People are… walking." 486 00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,883 [laughter] 487 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:38,427 "Creating unnecessary traffic." 488 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,887 [laughter] 489 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,514 Before the pandemic, if you ran into a parade, 490 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,184 you were never like, "Oh, cool, a parade." 491 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,561 You were always kind of like, "I hate humans." 492 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,812 [laughter] 493 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,398 The only people really enjoying the parade 494 00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:53,650 were the people marching in the parade. 495 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:57,571 Even the people on the sidewalk were like, "How long is this?" 496 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:58,906 [laughter] 497 00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,074 Of course, the highlight of most parades 498 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,118 is the marching band, right? 499 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,077 [applause] 500 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,830 And on TV, that bird's-eye view of the marching band 501 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,540 is so impressive, right? 502 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,459 But on a street level, you always felt like 503 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,544 you were being invaded by nerds. 504 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,629 [laughter] 505 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,548 "Uh-oh. Here they come. Hide your Xbox." 506 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,217 [laughter] 507 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,344 But marching bands are amazing, right? 508 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,638 They practice as much as the athletes. 509 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:24,097 They're always rehearsing. 510 00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:27,100 It's amazing how much effort goes into creating something 511 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,727 that no one really likes. 512 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:31,772 [laughter] 513 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,065 I'm kidding. [chuckles] 514 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:35,108 [laughter] 515 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,611 I know there's some marching band people here and it… 516 00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:40,072 -[cheering] -And then for those-- You know, like-- 517 00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:43,075 The reality is, a marching band can take a song-- 518 00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:45,118 It's pretty impressive-- any song, 519 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,245 and ruin it. 520 00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,454 [laughter] 521 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:51,458 -[chuckles] -[applause] 522 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:55,295 You know, like, "Wow, I didn't know I could hate 'Uptown Funk' that much." 523 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,381 [laughter] 524 00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:59,967 You're never listening to a song and think, 525 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,302 "I wish there was a marching band version of this." 526 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:03,679 [laughter] 527 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,726 And I understand there's some proud marching band people here. 528 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,896 And in full disclosure, I could never be in a marching band 529 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,564 'cause I've had sex. 530 00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,275 [laughter] 531 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:20,237 -[cheering and applauding] -[Jim chuckles] 532 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:27,369 "He's… He's gonna get beat up by a marching band." 533 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:28,495 [laughter] 534 00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:32,291 No, I know that people cherish their time in the marching band, they do. 535 00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:36,670 But to me, it just seems like we're dissuading careers in music. 536 00:21:36,753 --> 00:21:38,672 It's like, "Oh, you wanna be a musician? Okay." 537 00:21:38,755 --> 00:21:40,632 "Put on this Captain Crunch costume." 538 00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,342 [laughter] 539 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:45,804 "At halftime, march around the field while we grab some hot dogs." 540 00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:46,972 [laughter] 541 00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:48,473 "Do that for a couple semesters, 542 00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:50,767 then we'll see if you still wanna be a musician." 543 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:53,729 [audience laughing] 544 00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:57,149 Did you know that--? I didn't know this. Marching bands started as military bands. 545 00:21:57,232 --> 00:22:00,235 They would march armies into battle, 546 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,363 and they were for morale and to intimidate the enemy. 547 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,198 I don't know how that would work. 548 00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:06,325 [laughter] 549 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:08,785 "Oh, no. They know Fleetwood Mac." 550 00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,038 [laughter and applause] 551 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,497 "Should we go back?" 552 00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:15,375 [screams] "What if Lindsey Buckingham is with them?" 553 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,626 [laughter] 554 00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:21,506 How did they convince someone playing a trumpet to march into battle… 555 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:23,717 "Head on in there." 556 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,177 [laughter] 557 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,596 [stammers] "Won't they have weapons?" 558 00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:29,598 "You're gonna fight them with music." 559 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:31,808 [laughter] 560 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:34,770 "If you survive, please wake us up in the morning with a…" 561 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,813 -[imitates trumpet sounds] -[laughter] 562 00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:42,027 [audience continues laughing] 563 00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:45,906 I love it when trumpet players have the plunger at the end. 564 00:22:45,989 --> 00:22:48,784 -[laughter] -[imitates trumpet sounds] 565 00:22:49,993 --> 00:22:51,119 Who came up with that? 566 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,163 "You know, I was listening to you play the trumpet 567 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:56,208 and it reminded me of when I clogged my toilet." 568 00:22:56,291 --> 00:22:57,793 [audience laughing] 569 00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,420 "I'd eaten six Big Macs on a dare, anyway." 570 00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:03,882 "Uh, I brought my plunger. It's kind of clean." 571 00:23:03,965 --> 00:23:07,636 "If you could place it at the end of your expensive music equipment, 572 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,596 and give me a 'wah-wah.'" 573 00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:11,014 [audience laughing] 574 00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:12,140 "Go ahead." 575 00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:15,894 -[imitates trumpet sounds] -[laughter] 576 00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:18,021 "Have you ever thought of becoming a plumber?" 577 00:23:18,105 --> 00:23:19,523 [laughter] 578 00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,068 [whispers] It's ridiculous. 579 00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:26,780 People always know someone who looks like me. 580 00:23:26,863 --> 00:23:29,741 Wherever I go, once a week, someone will come up to me and go, 581 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:32,119 [deep voice] "Hey, I know someone that looks like you." 582 00:23:32,202 --> 00:23:34,538 [normal] I never know what to say. "Well, tell him 'Hi.'" 583 00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:37,207 [laughter] 584 00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:39,126 "Encourage them to wear sunscreen." 585 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,378 [laughter] 586 00:23:41,461 --> 00:23:43,130 And this person who looks like me 587 00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:45,757 never doing something impressive with their life. 588 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:46,716 [laughter] 589 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,260 "Yeah, he mows our lawn." 590 00:23:48,343 --> 00:23:50,345 [laughter] 591 00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,514 "We don't even pay him. He just does it." 592 00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,474 [laughter] 593 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:56,935 -That sounds like my gene pool. -[laughter] 594 00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:02,357 Occasionally, on social media, I'll be sent photos of babies 595 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:04,192 who supposedly look like me. 596 00:24:04,901 --> 00:24:07,654 "This baby looks like Jim Gaffigan." 597 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,948 People think it's hysterical 598 00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:13,285 that I look like a pale, pudgy, bald infant 599 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,204 who poops in a diaper. 600 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:17,456 [laughter] 601 00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:18,874 Sometimes, people get too cute. 602 00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:22,043 They're like, "Hey, why does our baby son look like Jim Gaffigan?" 603 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:24,087 I'm like, "'Cause I slept with your wife." 604 00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:26,756 [laughter] 605 00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:34,973 Now if you think it's humiliating to be told you look like a baby, 606 00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:39,644 you should know I've also been sent photos of cats that supposedly… [chuckles] 607 00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,938 -…look like me. -[laughter] 608 00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:46,401 Not once or twice, we're talking about dozens of different cats. 609 00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,736 Always the same message. 610 00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:50,614 "This cat looks like Jim Gaffigan." 611 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:54,618 I don't know what they're implying, you know. 612 00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:57,037 That I fathered a cat out of wedlock? 613 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,413 [laughter] 614 00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:01,708 When I was lonely after a show so I went for a walk and… 615 00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:04,794 an alley cat asked for a cigarette and… 616 00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,296 [laughter] 617 00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:07,923 I said I don't smoke and… 618 00:25:08,798 --> 00:25:10,425 well, we started talking and… 619 00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:11,635 [laughter] 620 00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:13,845 before you know it, the sun was coming up. 621 00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:15,013 [laughter] 622 00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:17,974 I never saw that cat again. 623 00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:20,018 [laughter] 624 00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:22,270 I can still smell her dander. 625 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:24,940 [laughter] 626 00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:27,651 Now, if you think it's humiliating 627 00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:31,279 to be told you look like a baby or a cat, 628 00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:37,369 you should know I was once sent a photo of someone's kneecap… 629 00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:40,372 -[chuckles] -[laughter] 630 00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:45,794 …with the message, "This kneecap looks like Jim Gaffigan." 631 00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:47,837 [laughter] 632 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,800 And you know what? [stammers] I did look like that kneecap. 633 00:25:51,883 --> 00:25:53,760 [audience laughing] 634 00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:56,096 But I don't know what they were implying, you know. 635 00:25:56,179 --> 00:25:58,848 That I fathered a kneecap out of wedlock? 636 00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:02,519 That I was lonely after a show and… 637 00:26:02,602 --> 00:26:03,853 [laughter] 638 00:26:03,937 --> 00:26:07,107 I went for a walk and a kneecap asked for a cigarette and… 639 00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:09,442 and I said I don't smoke and… 640 00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:11,736 we started talking. 641 00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:13,280 [laughter] 642 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:15,282 Before you know it, the sun was coming up. 643 00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:17,534 [laughter] 644 00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:19,578 I never saw that kneecap again. 645 00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:21,121 [laughter] 646 00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:23,456 Now, if you think it's humiliating… 647 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,250 [laughter] 648 00:26:25,333 --> 00:26:31,256 …to be told you look like the fleshy, wrinkly part of a stranger's leg… 649 00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:33,842 it is. 650 00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:35,385 [laughter] 651 00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:38,972 Or, uh, you know, I thought it was. And then I had this realization. 652 00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:41,933 [stammers] I figured out what had happened. 653 00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:43,226 You know, it all made sense. 654 00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:45,854 There might be one person in here that's like, "Jim, you're crazy." 655 00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,231 But I think the rest of you will see the logic here. 656 00:26:49,649 --> 00:26:56,281 What happened is, this kneecap person, obviously, went to a plastic surgeon… 657 00:26:56,364 --> 00:26:57,699 [laughter] 658 00:26:57,782 --> 00:27:01,911 Right? And said, "I would like my kneecap 659 00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:06,166 to look like the most underrated comedian in America." 660 00:27:07,083 --> 00:27:11,338 Right? And the plastic surgeon said, 661 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:12,714 "You mean John Mulaney?" 662 00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:15,342 [laughter] 663 00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:19,262 And the kneecap person said, "No, Jim Gaffigan." 664 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:22,849 And the plastic surgeon said, "I don't know who that is." 665 00:27:22,932 --> 00:27:24,100 [laughter] 666 00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,811 And then the kneecap person said, 667 00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:31,775 "He's kind of a pale, pudgy guy who looks like a baby or a cat." 668 00:27:31,858 --> 00:27:33,902 [laughter] 669 00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:35,528 That's probably what happened. 670 00:27:35,612 --> 00:27:37,489 [laughter] 671 00:27:37,572 --> 00:27:38,990 That's weird. 672 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:43,411 I normally get told I look like other humans though. I, uh… 673 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:47,415 In Utah, I always get told I look Mormon. 674 00:27:47,499 --> 00:27:50,001 I didn't even know you could look like a religion. 675 00:27:50,085 --> 00:27:51,044 [laughter] 676 00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,088 But apparently, I do. And I've done research. 677 00:27:53,171 --> 00:27:55,548 I don't look like one of the founders of the Mormons. 678 00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:58,301 I don't look like a present leader of the Mormons. 679 00:27:58,385 --> 00:28:01,471 I don't even look like a guy who could have more than one wife. 680 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:03,890 [laughter] 681 00:28:03,973 --> 00:28:06,184 I just somehow look Mormon. [chuckles] 682 00:28:06,267 --> 00:28:07,227 [laughter] 683 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,854 Of course, the Mormons no longer practice polygamy. 684 00:28:09,938 --> 00:28:13,650 But for a while there, a Mormon man could have more than one wife. 685 00:28:13,733 --> 00:28:15,610 I don't know if that was a selling point. 686 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:16,653 [laughter] 687 00:28:16,736 --> 00:28:21,157 'Cause I love my wife, and I can honestly say I don't want another one. 688 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,785 [laughter] 689 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:26,871 I feel like disappointing one person is enough. 690 00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,623 [laughter] 691 00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:32,210 Could you imagine having two spouses mad at you? 692 00:28:32,293 --> 00:28:33,169 [laughter] 693 00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:35,380 And you couldn't drink coffee? 694 00:28:35,463 --> 00:28:37,090 [laughter] 695 00:28:37,173 --> 00:28:38,383 No, thanks. 696 00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:41,052 I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on Mormons. 697 00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:44,305 Most organized religions have negative stereotypes. 698 00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:47,976 Luckily, I'm Catholic, so I don't have to worry about that, all right. 699 00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:49,018 [laughter] 700 00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:54,315 [cheering and applauding] 701 00:28:54,399 --> 00:28:56,943 Sometimes people don't believe me. Like, "Are you really Catholic?" 702 00:28:57,026 --> 00:28:59,237 "No, I'm just saying that to impress you." 703 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:00,739 [laughter] 704 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:03,324 "I wanna come across like I have good judgment." 705 00:29:03,408 --> 00:29:04,617 [laughter] 706 00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:07,996 At this point, it's almost like Catholics are trying to lose followers. 707 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:10,832 They're like, "What else can we do? What else?" 708 00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:14,210 "Why don't we make Bill Cosby pope? Let's try that." 709 00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:16,337 [laughter] 710 00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:19,632 Catholics have made an art of shrinking their religion. 711 00:29:19,716 --> 00:29:23,636 Even back to the Great Schism of 1054 where the Eastern Orthodox 712 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,555 and the Roman Catholics split apart, 713 00:29:25,638 --> 00:29:28,641 the Orthodox were like, "We wanna celebrate Christmas in January." 714 00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,227 And the Catholics were like, "We like pedophiles." 715 00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:33,438 [laughter] 716 00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:35,440 I know. That one's hard for me too. 717 00:29:35,523 --> 00:29:36,858 [laughter] 718 00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:40,195 And then there was the, uh, Protestant Reformation. 719 00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:43,031 You didn't even know this is a religion history class, did you? 720 00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:43,990 [laughter] 721 00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:46,868 No, there was the Protestant Reformation in the 1500s 722 00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:51,122 when Martin Luther, who probably thought he'd be the most famous Martin Luther… 723 00:29:51,206 --> 00:29:52,040 [laughter] 724 00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:56,753 Right? He was like, "That's it. I'm the king of Martin Luthers." 725 00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:58,087 [laughter] 726 00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:01,007 "Don't be surprised if one day, I get my own holiday." 727 00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:02,509 [laughter] 728 00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:05,512 No, Martin Luther, he had those 95 problems, 729 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:08,014 but a bitch ain't one, right? 730 00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:10,183 [laughter and applause] 731 00:30:10,266 --> 00:30:13,144 'Cause at the time, the Catholic church was super corrupt. 732 00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:14,771 Thankfully, it's not anymore. 733 00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:16,689 [laughter] 734 00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:18,483 Some Catholics get really angry. 735 00:30:18,566 --> 00:30:21,569 "You're so critical of Catholic church, why you even Catholic?" 736 00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:24,364 Because I believe human beings are inherently flawed. 737 00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:25,865 That's one of the reasons. 738 00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:28,535 But mainly, I'm afraid of my wife. 739 00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:31,996 -[laughter] -Huh? 740 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,707 I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong 741 00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,125 with organized religion. 742 00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:39,629 It's just the human interpretation, right? 743 00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:42,507 Most organized religions, God's saying a similar thing. 744 00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:44,759 He's like, "I want you to love one another." 745 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:48,972 And the humans are like, "Got it, got it. He said kill gay people, so…" 746 00:30:49,055 --> 00:30:51,099 [audience laughing] 747 00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:52,559 "Let's get to work." 748 00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:58,064 As a result, all organized religions are struggling right now. 749 00:30:58,147 --> 00:30:59,941 Muslims, they're killing it. 750 00:31:00,024 --> 00:31:03,111 Muslims are like, "Oh, Catholics, you think you can alienate people?" 751 00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:04,821 "Hold my hummus." 752 00:31:04,904 --> 00:31:06,281 [audience laughing] 753 00:31:06,364 --> 00:31:08,199 "Let me show you how it's done." 754 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,410 i'm sure some of you are looking at me like, 755 00:31:10,493 --> 00:31:13,079 "Hey, Jim, you look like a former Hitler Youth." 756 00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:15,248 [audience laughing] 757 00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:17,458 "What are your views on Judaism?" 758 00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:20,962 "I'd like to see you destroy your career tonight." 759 00:31:21,045 --> 00:31:23,798 [audience laughing] 760 00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:26,050 Well, I'm not frightened. I'll tell you what I think. 761 00:31:26,134 --> 00:31:28,678 I think Judaism is perfect. 762 00:31:28,761 --> 00:31:30,263 [laughter] 763 00:31:30,346 --> 00:31:34,309 There's nothing wrong with it. And I'd like to be in more feature films. 764 00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:37,770 [laughter and applause] 765 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:38,897 That's… 766 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:40,940 [cheering and applauding] 767 00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:42,358 That's some, uh… 768 00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:47,697 That's some good old-fashioned pandering anti-Semitism. 769 00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:49,032 [laughter] 770 00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:51,075 Really, the only organized religion, 771 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,745 without a negative stereotype, is Buddhism. 772 00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:56,873 Right? You'd think more Americans would be Buddhists. 773 00:31:56,956 --> 00:32:00,168 'Cause if you look at Buddha, he kind of looks like an American. 774 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,420 [laughter] 775 00:32:02,503 --> 00:32:05,089 Buddha looks like someone you'd watch the game with. 776 00:32:05,173 --> 00:32:06,090 [laughter] 777 00:32:06,174 --> 00:32:08,843 [in deep voice] "Buddha always gets a keg for the playoffs." 778 00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:09,886 [laughter] 779 00:32:09,969 --> 00:32:12,055 "Buddha! Buddha!" 780 00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:13,514 [laughter] 781 00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:17,852 You know, in real life, Buddha was thin. He wasn't even a big guy. 782 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,855 They made him heavy to make the religion more appealing. 783 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,900 'Cause at that time, being heavy was a sign of success. 784 00:32:23,983 --> 00:32:27,153 Also at that time, being lighter-skinned was a sign of success. 785 00:32:27,236 --> 00:32:31,491 So back then, I would have been like Jeff Bezos, so… 786 00:32:31,574 --> 00:32:32,992 [laughter] 787 00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:38,706 Bezos. Who's your favorite billionaire-pretend astronaut? 788 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:40,249 [laughter] 789 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:41,584 Hmm? 790 00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:44,295 Can you believe there's a choice? 791 00:32:44,379 --> 00:32:45,797 [laughter] 792 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,424 And it's not between just two. [chuckles] 793 00:32:49,342 --> 00:32:54,389 We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets 794 00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:57,767 to fly to outer space, and no one's saying, 795 00:32:57,850 --> 00:33:00,478 "Are you sure they're paying all their taxes?" 796 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:01,396 [laughter] 797 00:33:01,479 --> 00:33:04,732 "'Cause I know some teachers that need supplies." 798 00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:09,821 [cheering and applauding] 799 00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:16,369 It's like these billionaires are trying to execute the plan 800 00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:17,996 of a five-year-old boy. 801 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:18,913 [laughter] 802 00:33:18,997 --> 00:33:22,000 [kid voice] "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a bazillionaire!" 803 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,167 [laughter] 804 00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:25,461 "And I'm gonna build my own spaceship!" 805 00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:26,671 [laughter] 806 00:33:26,754 --> 00:33:29,173 "And fly to outer space!" 807 00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:32,010 [imitating mother's voice] "Okay, Jeffrey." 808 00:33:32,093 --> 00:33:33,428 [laughter] 809 00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:35,638 "But now it's time for bed." 810 00:33:35,722 --> 00:33:37,223 [laughter] 811 00:33:37,306 --> 00:33:40,810 I almost feel sorry for the accountants of the billionaires. 812 00:33:40,893 --> 00:33:42,812 'Cause they were like, "You had an amazing year." 813 00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,939 "You made 40 billion dollars." 814 00:33:45,023 --> 00:33:47,734 "But I fudged the numbers so it looks like you broke even." 815 00:33:47,817 --> 00:33:48,776 [laughter] 816 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:51,320 "As long as you lay low and don't draw attention, 817 00:33:51,404 --> 00:33:52,530 we should be fine." 818 00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,282 [laughter] 819 00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:55,533 "You got anything coming up?" 820 00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:59,704 -[imitating Elon Musk] "I built a rocket…" -[laughter] 821 00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:02,040 "…to fly to outer space." 822 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:07,378 [laughter] 823 00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:10,965 [sighs] "You know I meant to lay low on this planet." 824 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:12,633 [laughter] 825 00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:15,887 [Elon Musk voice] "Does it matter if the rocket's shaped like a penis?" 826 00:34:15,970 --> 00:34:19,307 [laughter and applause] 827 00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:28,858 I do enjoy the reasoning of the billionaires for going to space. 828 00:34:28,941 --> 00:34:34,489 They're like, "I'm going to outer space so eventually you can go to outer space." 829 00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:35,490 [laughter] 830 00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:37,158 "I'm going so you can go." 831 00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:39,786 "I don't wanna go to outer space." 832 00:34:39,869 --> 00:34:41,662 [laughter] 833 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:42,955 "I wanna go to Italy." 834 00:34:43,039 --> 00:34:45,833 [laughter] 835 00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,293 Why don't you work on that? 836 00:34:47,376 --> 00:34:49,837 [laughter] 837 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:53,508 I saw a hitchhiker recently. You never see that anymore. 838 00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:55,843 Of course, we no longer refer to them as "hitchhikers." 839 00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,929 Now we call them "murderers". 840 00:34:58,012 --> 00:34:59,889 [laughter] 841 00:34:59,972 --> 00:35:04,310 Which is what they do. They murder the nice people that give them rides. 842 00:35:04,393 --> 00:35:06,521 Talk about a lack of gratitude. 843 00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:08,648 "Thanks for picking me up." Stab. 844 00:35:08,731 --> 00:35:11,025 [laughter] 845 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,237 Hitchhiking disappeared 'cause it was dangerous for both participants. 846 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:16,322 Right? The hitchhiker and the driver. 847 00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:18,783 And, you know, at one point, there must have been like 848 00:35:18,866 --> 00:35:21,661 a murderer driving around looking to pick up a hitchhiker, 849 00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:24,664 and he picked up a hitchhiker who was also a murderer. 850 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:25,832 [audience laughing] 851 00:35:25,915 --> 00:35:27,667 And the driver was like, "I'm gonna kill you." 852 00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:30,211 And the hitchhiker was like, "I'm gonna kill you." 853 00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:31,420 [audience laughing] 854 00:35:31,504 --> 00:35:33,506 And I bet they had a laugh. 855 00:35:33,589 --> 00:35:35,258 [audience laughing] 856 00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:37,760 I bet they laughed. 857 00:35:38,886 --> 00:35:41,681 And then slowly but surely, "they fell in love." 858 00:35:41,764 --> 00:35:43,057 [audience laughing] 859 00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:44,934 "And that's what my musical's about." 860 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:46,811 [audience laughing] 861 00:35:46,894 --> 00:35:48,062 It's called Hitched. 862 00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,314 [audience laughing] 863 00:35:52,692 --> 00:35:55,653 Flew in Thursday, uh, driving from the airport, 864 00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:58,698 I saw this guy on a motorcycle and he looked so happy. 865 00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:02,827 You know, and whenever I see a motorcycle that's on the highway, 866 00:36:02,910 --> 00:36:04,120 I always have the same thought. 867 00:36:04,203 --> 00:36:05,788 "You're gonna die." 868 00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:07,707 [audience laughing] 869 00:36:07,790 --> 00:36:10,918 "What are you doing on the highway? You're gonna die." 870 00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:14,338 And the only reason I say that is 'cause they're gonna die. 871 00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:15,923 [audience laughing] 872 00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:17,675 I don't even know what the thinking is. 873 00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:20,011 [in husky voice] "Well, I have to travel a long distance." 874 00:36:20,094 --> 00:36:24,223 "Should I take the car or this motorized chair with no seat belt?" 875 00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:25,683 [audience laughing] 876 00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:27,935 "If I sneeze, I'll never walk again." 877 00:36:28,019 --> 00:36:29,604 [audience laughing] 878 00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:30,646 "Live to ride." 879 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,565 And then die! 880 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:37,403 I heard the motorcycle before I saw it. We've all heard those loud motorcycles. 881 00:36:37,486 --> 00:36:39,614 [imitates sound of motorcycle engine revving] 882 00:36:39,697 --> 00:36:41,741 "Wow, how small is his penis?" 883 00:36:41,824 --> 00:36:44,869 [audience laughing, applause] 884 00:36:47,955 --> 00:36:51,042 And I didn't know that's the reason some motorcycles are so loud 885 00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:54,128 is 'cause they want you to know they're gonna die. 886 00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:55,838 [audience laughing] 887 00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:58,090 I have friends that love motorcycles. 888 00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,967 Some women are really into bikers. 889 00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:01,928 They're like, "I just like a man who's dangerous, 890 00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,512 who can't afford a car." 891 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:05,348 [audience laughing] 892 00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:07,183 "And who's definitely gonna die." 893 00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:10,895 But bikers are fascinating, right? 894 00:37:10,978 --> 00:37:13,606 What a uniquely American subculture. 895 00:37:13,689 --> 00:37:16,525 They're all about macho independence, right? 896 00:37:16,609 --> 00:37:20,488 They're all about the independence. Like, "I just wanna be out on the road, 897 00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:23,241 just me and my bike, alone, 898 00:37:23,324 --> 00:37:25,368 with 30 other guys." 899 00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:26,869 [audience laughing] 900 00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:28,704 "In matching outfits." 901 00:37:30,122 --> 00:37:33,334 "Riding in tandem so close, we can French-kiss each other." 902 00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:35,878 [audience laughing] 903 00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:39,799 He's gonna get beat up by a marching band and a gang of bikers. 904 00:37:39,882 --> 00:37:41,634 -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 905 00:37:41,717 --> 00:37:45,805 [cheering and applause] 906 00:37:45,888 --> 00:37:52,270 Bikers are grown men who make the same phone calls of an eight-year-old boy. 907 00:37:52,353 --> 00:37:54,313 "You guys wanna ride bikes tonight?" 908 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:56,899 [audience laughing] 909 00:37:56,983 --> 00:37:59,944 "Well, I don't wanna go alone. It's scary out there. Ask your mommy." 910 00:38:00,027 --> 00:38:01,529 [audience laughing] 911 00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:04,865 [chuckles] 912 00:38:06,492 --> 00:38:09,412 The reason that's funny is 'cause bikers are so intimidating, right? 913 00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:10,788 They're angry. 914 00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:14,375 Bikers seem angry, and I think it's 'cause they're cold. 915 00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:15,626 [audience laughing] 916 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,044 Right? 917 00:38:17,128 --> 00:38:19,797 That vest with no shirt? That's gotta be chilly. 918 00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:21,007 [audience laughing] 919 00:38:21,090 --> 00:38:23,467 "Oh, I wish I had a shawl." 920 00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:26,012 [audience laughing] 921 00:38:26,095 --> 00:38:28,180 "Shawl and my Uggs." 922 00:38:28,264 --> 00:38:29,765 [audience laughing] 923 00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:32,059 "Maybe a pumpkin spice latte." 924 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,978 [audience laughing] 925 00:38:34,061 --> 00:38:36,772 That vest with no shirt is so common among bikers. 926 00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,607 Is there like peer pressure? 927 00:38:39,734 --> 00:38:41,527 "Look at Curtis over there, 928 00:38:42,278 --> 00:38:46,490 wearing a T-shirt under his vest like a girl." 929 00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:48,492 [audience laughing] 930 00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:50,453 "Let's kick his ass." 931 00:38:50,536 --> 00:38:51,579 [audience laughing] 932 00:38:51,662 --> 00:38:53,205 "And then kiss him." 933 00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:56,292 [audience laughing] 934 00:38:58,711 --> 00:39:00,755 Occasionally, you'll see a biker giving someone a ride 935 00:39:00,838 --> 00:39:03,049 on the back of their motorcycle, it's usually a woman. 936 00:39:03,132 --> 00:39:05,176 Guys don't wanna ride on the back. Mm. 937 00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:07,803 It's hard to get a ride on the back of a motorcycle 938 00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:10,473 without giving an extended intimate hug. 939 00:39:10,556 --> 00:39:11,766 [audience laughing] 940 00:39:11,849 --> 00:39:13,684 "Let's get out of here, Virgil." 941 00:39:13,768 --> 00:39:19,690 [audience laughing] 942 00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:21,525 "You smell wonderful, Virgil." 943 00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:24,195 "What is that, lilac?" 944 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,489 [sighs] 945 00:39:26,572 --> 00:39:28,407 "You've been doing sit-ups, Virgil?" 946 00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:34,538 [audience laughing] 947 00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:38,125 During the summer, occasionally, you'll see a bicyclist on the highway. 948 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:39,543 See a cyclist on the highway, 949 00:39:39,627 --> 00:39:42,630 they're always dressed like they're competing in the Tour de France. 950 00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:44,882 "You're losing!" 951 00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:46,258 [audience laughing] 952 00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:48,260 "And you're also gonna die." 953 00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,140 Those bicyclists, they have to settle down with the helmet design. 954 00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:57,269 It's all super aerodynamic. It's like, "You're not going that fast." 955 00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:58,938 [audience laughing] 956 00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:02,066 You're riding a bike. You're not in the movie Tron. 957 00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:03,275 [audience laughing] 958 00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:06,487 And put on some clothes! 959 00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:07,780 What's with the spandex? 960 00:40:07,863 --> 00:40:10,408 Are you on your way to wrestle Blue Man Group? 961 00:40:10,491 --> 00:40:11,325 [audience laughing] 962 00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:14,328 How many Blue Man references you're gonna have? 963 00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:15,788 [audience laughing] 964 00:40:15,871 --> 00:40:18,457 You ever see a bicyclist on the highway and they're not in spandex, 965 00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,418 they're just in regular clothes? 966 00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:22,169 They look like they have a DUI. 967 00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:25,548 [audience laughing, applause] 968 00:40:25,631 --> 00:40:26,882 Should've Ubered. 969 00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:29,927 [audience laughing] 970 00:40:30,010 --> 00:40:31,220 [Jim chuckles] 971 00:40:31,303 --> 00:40:33,556 You never see a cyclist giving someone a ride, right? 972 00:40:33,639 --> 00:40:35,141 There's no room. 973 00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:37,643 They're already sitting on that door handle of a seat. 974 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:40,855 "I'm just gonna sit here for five hours." 975 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,315 "I don't know why I can't have children." 976 00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:44,984 [audience laughing] 977 00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:46,485 Right, I'm going after the cyclist. 978 00:40:46,569 --> 00:40:49,280 What are they gonna do? Throw their baby bottle of water at me? 979 00:40:49,363 --> 00:40:50,239 [audience laughing] 980 00:40:50,322 --> 00:40:54,201 [grunts] "I'd chase you, but for no reason at all, I'm wearing cleats." 981 00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:57,538 -[audience laughing] -[imitates clanking sounds] 982 00:40:57,621 --> 00:41:01,000 [cheering and applauding] 983 00:41:05,045 --> 00:41:07,965 Are those cleats necessary? 984 00:41:08,048 --> 00:41:09,800 You're in a Starbucks. 985 00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:10,843 [imitates clanking] 986 00:41:10,926 --> 00:41:12,511 [audience laughing] 987 00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:14,638 "Do you have oat milk?" [whines] 988 00:41:14,722 --> 00:41:17,808 [audience laughing] 989 00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:21,687 I think it's interesting, people who ride bicycles are called "cyclists," 990 00:41:21,770 --> 00:41:25,274 but people who ride motorcycles are called "bikers"? 991 00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:26,609 [laughter] 992 00:41:26,692 --> 00:41:30,112 You know, that's just the bikers bullying the cyclists. 993 00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:33,157 "Hey, we're gonna take the name 'biker.' You can't use it." 994 00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:37,453 And the cyclist went, "Motorcycle doesn't even have the word 'bike' in it." 995 00:41:37,536 --> 00:41:38,871 "We don't care." 996 00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:40,372 [audience laughing] 997 00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:43,375 "Also, we're gonna dress like that guy from the Village People." 998 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:44,376 [audience laughing] 999 00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,879 Sun-glass guy's like, "Well, we were gonna do that." 1000 00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:49,381 "No, you're gonna dress like rhythmic gymnasts." 1001 00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:51,842 [audience laughing] 1002 00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:54,637 "Okay." [imitates clanking sounds] 1003 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,555 [audience laughing] 1004 00:41:57,973 --> 00:42:01,810 Bikers and cyclists both dress like they're on their way to a costume party. 1005 00:42:01,894 --> 00:42:02,895 [audience laughing] 1006 00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:06,106 No other form of transportation has a uniform. 1007 00:42:07,191 --> 00:42:10,236 You never see everyone on the cruise ship dress like pirates 1008 00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:12,738 'cause it's not necessary. 1009 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:16,158 Bikers and cyclists, both on two wheels, nothing in common. 1010 00:42:16,242 --> 00:42:18,077 It's like they're trying to be different. 1011 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:19,870 Even the placement of the handlebars… 1012 00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:21,705 Some cyclists have handlebars in real tight, 1013 00:42:21,789 --> 00:42:23,791 some bikers have their handlebars way up here. 1014 00:42:23,874 --> 00:42:25,251 "Oh, this is comfortable." 1015 00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:26,877 [audience laughing] 1016 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:28,754 "This reminds me of my Big Wheel." 1017 00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,798 [audience laughing, applause] 1018 00:42:30,881 --> 00:42:33,384 "Now I know why I have my wallet on a chain." 1019 00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:37,721 You never see a unicyclist on the highway. 1020 00:42:37,805 --> 00:42:38,681 [audience laughing] 1021 00:42:38,764 --> 00:42:40,391 You know why? 'Cause they're all dead. 1022 00:42:40,474 --> 00:42:41,809 [audience laughing] 1023 00:42:41,892 --> 00:42:43,936 'Cause I killed them. You're welcome. 1024 00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:48,607 Is there any bigger attention-grab than riding a unicycle? 1025 00:42:49,441 --> 00:42:51,610 I guess a pogo stick, right? [grunts] 1026 00:42:51,694 --> 00:42:53,279 -[audience laughing] -[Jim chuckles] 1027 00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:56,907 What was the pitch for the pogo stick? [chuckles] 1028 00:42:56,991 --> 00:43:00,244 "It's a stick you can jump on twice and then fall on your face." 1029 00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:02,580 [audience laughing] 1030 00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:05,541 "Interesting. If you practice, do you get better?" 1031 00:43:05,624 --> 00:43:06,667 "Not at all, no." 1032 00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:08,252 [audience laughing] 1033 00:43:08,335 --> 00:43:09,378 "I'll take one." 1034 00:43:09,461 --> 00:43:11,213 [audience laughing] 1035 00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:15,175 But unicyclists, they act like they don't want the attention. 1036 00:43:15,259 --> 00:43:17,720 They always have that super casual look on their face, 1037 00:43:17,803 --> 00:43:19,388 but their legs are so frantic. 1038 00:43:19,471 --> 00:43:20,514 They're always like… 1039 00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:22,850 [audience laughing] 1040 00:43:22,933 --> 00:43:26,270 "Oh, hey, what's going on, everyone?" [laughs] 1041 00:43:27,062 --> 00:43:28,522 "Oh, I'm not doing anything." 1042 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:29,690 [audience laughing] 1043 00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,234 "Does anyone have three bowling pins I could juggle?" 1044 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:33,360 [audience laughing] 1045 00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:35,821 "I could annoy you with two unnecessary skills." 1046 00:43:35,904 --> 00:43:38,490 [audience laughing] 1047 00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:40,659 That joke takes way too much effort. 1048 00:43:40,743 --> 00:43:43,203 [audience laughing] 1049 00:43:43,287 --> 00:43:46,081 Oh, you may have noticed that there's a piano on stage. 1050 00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:48,334 And, uh, some of you may be wondering, 1051 00:43:48,417 --> 00:43:52,630 "Hey, why would Jim Gaffigan have a piano on stage?" 1052 00:43:52,713 --> 00:43:53,672 [audience cheering] 1053 00:43:53,756 --> 00:43:54,798 And… 1054 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:57,092 [applause] 1055 00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:02,931 What you may not realize is that I… 1056 00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:05,809 do not play the piano. 1057 00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:07,686 [audience laughing] 1058 00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:09,980 "Jim, that was…" 1059 00:44:10,064 --> 00:44:13,108 "Really? Did he bring the piano just for that joke?" 1060 00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:15,069 [audience laughing] 1061 00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:16,737 "That's pathetic." 1062 00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:18,906 [audience laughing] 1063 00:44:18,989 --> 00:44:21,367 Good-looking crowd here. Wow. 1064 00:44:21,450 --> 00:44:23,494 -Very good-looking. -[audience cheering, applause] 1065 00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:25,788 Very good-looking crowd, huh? 1066 00:44:27,414 --> 00:44:28,916 Well, not all of you, you know. 1067 00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:30,459 -Not all of you. -[audience laughing] 1068 00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:33,921 But I'm not breaking any news, right? We know where we stand. 1069 00:44:34,004 --> 00:44:35,130 [laughter] 1070 00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:38,092 Yeah, we learn from such an early age. 1071 00:44:38,175 --> 00:44:41,553 Like, I remember kindergarten, the girls would chase the cute boys at recess, 1072 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:44,056 and let's just say I didn't do a lot of running. 1073 00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:46,058 [laughter] 1074 00:44:46,141 --> 00:44:47,434 Or any running. 1075 00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:50,020 I remember being five years old and going, 1076 00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,022 "Oh, this is how it's gonna be." 1077 00:44:52,981 --> 00:44:55,651 "I'm gonna have to write some jokes." 1078 00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:56,985 [laughter] 1079 00:44:57,069 --> 00:45:00,614 "And I'll be hanging out with the fellas." 1080 00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:02,658 I still hang out with the fellas. 1081 00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,827 All right, I had a friend during the lockdown 1082 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,122 who spent the entire time planning a guys' weekend. 1083 00:45:08,205 --> 00:45:12,209 Every time I talk to him, he would make it sound less appealing. [chuckles] 1084 00:45:12,292 --> 00:45:13,127 [laughter] 1085 00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:14,628 "Dude, this is what we're gonna do." 1086 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:18,173 "We're gonna rent a cabin for the weekend. Just guys, no women." 1087 00:45:19,466 --> 00:45:20,509 "I'm already out." 1088 00:45:20,592 --> 00:45:23,303 [audience laughing] 1089 00:45:23,387 --> 00:45:26,598 "No, no, no. Think about it. Just guys, no women." 1090 00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:29,518 "We'll smoke cigars, play poker all weekend." 1091 00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:30,644 "Sounds horrible." 1092 00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:31,979 [audience laughing] 1093 00:45:32,062 --> 00:45:33,480 "You're not thinking it through." 1094 00:45:33,564 --> 00:45:37,901 "Just guys, no women, for a whole weekend, like we're in prison." 1095 00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:41,071 [audience laughing] 1096 00:45:41,155 --> 00:45:42,239 "I look forward to it." 1097 00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:44,032 [audience laughing] 1098 00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:48,245 Every year, my brother Mitch goes on a golfing trip with 30 men. 1099 00:45:48,328 --> 00:45:50,038 Thirty men. They fly to Florida. 1100 00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,583 They rent three houses. Ten men to a house. 1101 00:45:52,666 --> 00:45:55,002 They play golf in the morning, they eat lunch together, 1102 00:45:55,085 --> 00:45:58,005 they play golf in the afternoon, and then they go back to the houses, 1103 00:45:58,088 --> 00:45:59,840 I don't know, have sex with each other. 1104 00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:01,258 [audience laughing] 1105 00:46:01,341 --> 00:46:03,552 I don't know what they do. It sounds horrible. [chuckles] 1106 00:46:03,635 --> 00:46:04,595 [audience laughing] 1107 00:46:04,678 --> 00:46:06,930 How much fellowship can you have? 1108 00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:09,224 [audience laughing] 1109 00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:12,019 My brother is not gay and, obviously, I wouldn't care if he was. 1110 00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:16,732 But if he ever came out, he could be like, "I gave you so many hints." 1111 00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:19,067 [audience laughing] 1112 00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,904 "I literally vacationed with 30 men." 1113 00:46:21,987 --> 00:46:23,489 [audience laughing] 1114 00:46:23,572 --> 00:46:25,991 "We rented out a cul-de-sac." 1115 00:46:26,074 --> 00:46:27,451 [audience laughing] 1116 00:46:27,534 --> 00:46:30,913 "We played with sticks and balls all day." 1117 00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:32,623 [audience laughing] 1118 00:46:32,706 --> 00:46:35,042 "How clear did I have to make it?" 1119 00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:39,922 I guess the point I'm trying to make is golf makes people gay. 1120 00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:41,882 -[audience laughing] -So… 1121 00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:45,677 -[audience applauding] -[man boos] 1122 00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:49,473 So the next time a friend says, 1123 00:46:49,556 --> 00:46:53,393 "I'm going to play golf with the fellas," just be like, "Enjoy." 1124 00:46:53,477 --> 00:46:56,647 [audience laughing] 1125 00:46:56,730 --> 00:46:59,983 No, I prefer mixed company. I do, you know. 1126 00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:01,944 There's a cliché that men are dumb 1127 00:47:02,027 --> 00:47:05,405 and I have enough male friends to know that's based on some truth. 1128 00:47:05,489 --> 00:47:06,865 [audience laughing] 1129 00:47:06,949 --> 00:47:09,368 Every man in here has that friend 1130 00:47:09,451 --> 00:47:13,455 that they occasionally look at and wonder how they hold down a job. 1131 00:47:13,539 --> 00:47:15,082 [audience laughing] 1132 00:47:15,165 --> 00:47:18,460 And if you don't think that about a friend, that means you're the friend. 1133 00:47:18,544 --> 00:47:20,337 [laughter] 1134 00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:21,922 [applause] 1135 00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:23,090 Yeah. 1136 00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:28,387 My friend like that is Ricky. He's a great guy. 1137 00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:30,722 Ricky and I, one time, we went axe-throwing. 1138 00:47:30,806 --> 00:47:33,225 Don't know if you've done that. Throw an axe, you drink a beer. 1139 00:47:33,308 --> 00:47:36,895 You try and forget our democracy is in crisis and… 1140 00:47:37,563 --> 00:47:39,940 At one point, Ricky turned to me and he goes, 1141 00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:44,027 "Hey, before axe-throwing, what did they use axes for?" 1142 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:49,199 [laughter] 1143 00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:50,367 "Uh…" 1144 00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:52,703 "Chopping wood?" 1145 00:47:53,328 --> 00:47:56,665 He's like, "Really?" And I was like, "Don't talk anymore." 1146 00:47:56,748 --> 00:47:59,042 [laughter] 1147 00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:03,046 And like a good friend, I ran home, turned it into a stand-up bit. 1148 00:48:04,506 --> 00:48:05,841 And I kind of forgot about it. 1149 00:48:05,924 --> 00:48:08,468 Then, like a month later, Ricky called me out of the blue and goes, 1150 00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:09,970 "I did it. I did it." 1151 00:48:10,053 --> 00:48:13,348 "I built my own axe-throwing range in my backyard." 1152 00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:14,766 Yeah, he's divorced. 1153 00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:17,269 -And… -[laughter] 1154 00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:19,313 Then he immediately starts bragging. 1155 00:48:19,396 --> 00:48:23,358 He's like, "Yeah, now, I could throw an axe 20 yards and hit a bullseye." 1156 00:48:23,442 --> 00:48:24,651 I'm like, "That's impressive." 1157 00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:27,237 "You know when that's gonna come in handy? Never." 1158 00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:28,322 [laughter] 1159 00:48:28,405 --> 00:48:31,408 He'll be like, "Hey, you never know." I'm like, "No, I do know." 1160 00:48:31,491 --> 00:48:33,702 -[laughter] -[chuckles] 1161 00:48:33,785 --> 00:48:38,206 Even if someone broke in your house and you happen to be holding an axe, 1162 00:48:39,291 --> 00:48:42,336 you're not gonna be able to say, "Hey, can you come 10 feet closer?" 1163 00:48:42,419 --> 00:48:44,504 [laughter] 1164 00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:51,428 I like having women around for many reasons, 1165 00:48:51,511 --> 00:48:55,140 not least of which is, they're attractive and men are not. 1166 00:48:55,223 --> 00:48:56,266 [laughter] 1167 00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:57,601 You know? 1168 00:48:57,684 --> 00:49:01,271 Like when a guy's good-looking, it's like a fluke of nature. 1169 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:05,233 And you know what all attractive men have in common? 1170 00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:07,527 They kind of look like women. 1171 00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:08,904 [laughter] 1172 00:49:08,987 --> 00:49:10,405 Right? 1173 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:13,283 [applause] 1174 00:49:13,367 --> 00:49:16,870 That's the only way straight guys can tell who's good-looking. 1175 00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:20,707 "Wow, he must be attractive. He barely looks like a dude." 1176 00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:22,459 [laughter] 1177 00:49:24,878 --> 00:49:29,341 Women are attractive and compared to men, they're very clean. 1178 00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:30,801 Men are gross. 1179 00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:34,638 And make very little effort to not be gross. 1180 00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:37,891 Like, if aliens visited Earth, they'll be so confused. 1181 00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,268 They'll be like, "The attractive feminine gender is taking 1182 00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:44,398 an hour to get ready and those hairy beasts are just ready?" 1183 00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:46,024 [laughter] 1184 00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:48,443 "No wonder this planet's always at war." 1185 00:49:49,361 --> 00:49:52,906 Men are gross and as they get older, grosser. 1186 00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,408 [laughter] 1187 00:49:54,491 --> 00:49:56,368 When women get older, they become more elegant. 1188 00:49:56,451 --> 00:49:59,538 As men get older, they look like they're decomposing. 1189 00:49:59,621 --> 00:50:01,248 [laughter] 1190 00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:03,125 You ever seen an old guy with the shirt off? 1191 00:50:03,208 --> 00:50:05,293 He looks like the first draft of a human. 1192 00:50:05,377 --> 00:50:06,920 [laughter] 1193 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,964 What is that, a Simpsons character? 1194 00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:12,843 Because when men get older, things stop working. 1195 00:50:12,926 --> 00:50:14,720 The synapses stop connecting. 1196 00:50:14,803 --> 00:50:17,764 Normally, brain's like, "Every month, I'm gonna grow hair on this guy's head. 1197 00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:20,017 "Every month, I'm gonna grow hair on this guy's head." 1198 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,351 But one month, the brain's like, 1199 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:25,022 "Every month, I'm gonna grow hair everywhere but this guy's head." 1200 00:50:25,105 --> 00:50:27,524 [laughter] 1201 00:50:28,650 --> 00:50:30,694 I have hair growing in parts of my body… 1202 00:50:31,278 --> 00:50:32,446 I don't need. 1203 00:50:32,529 --> 00:50:33,739 [laughter] 1204 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:37,325 Do you wanna know why older men grow hair on weird parts of their body? 1205 00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:40,454 That's nature's way of saying, "You're done." 1206 00:50:40,537 --> 00:50:42,914 [laughter] 1207 00:50:42,998 --> 00:50:46,168 "Stop mating or I'm going to turn you into a throw rug." 1208 00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:48,170 [laughter] 1209 00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:51,590 I have some body hair, not as bad as some men, which is a relief, 1210 00:50:51,673 --> 00:50:55,510 'cause as you can see, I did not win the genetic lottery. 1211 00:50:55,594 --> 00:50:57,304 I am bald, blind and pale. 1212 00:50:57,387 --> 00:51:00,474 It wouldn't surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail. 1213 00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,810 "Have you seen the comic with the tail?" 1214 00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:06,730 "He's very pale and the tail even has a bald spot." 1215 00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:09,274 -[audience laughing] -[Jim chuckles] 1216 00:51:09,357 --> 00:51:12,986 I saw a guy this summer at the pool, he's probably 60, had his shirt off. 1217 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,989 Not a lot of body hair. All body hair. 1218 00:51:16,615 --> 00:51:19,701 For a second, I thought they were shooting a GEICO commercial. 1219 00:51:19,785 --> 00:51:21,203 [laughter] 1220 00:51:21,286 --> 00:51:22,120 This guy was-- 1221 00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:25,832 He was so hairy I had to stop my youngest son from trying to pet him. 1222 00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:27,292 [laughter] 1223 00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,377 "Let him smell your hand first, son." 1224 00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:31,088 [laughter] 1225 00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:34,257 This guy was hairy and he was walking around the pool with the confidence 1226 00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:37,427 like he'd spent a lifetime dealing with hairy situations. 1227 00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:38,637 [laughter] 1228 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,889 No one said anything, but everyone had the same thought: 1229 00:51:40,972 --> 00:51:43,016 "Please don't go in the pool." 1230 00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:44,726 [laughter] 1231 00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:47,562 "No one's prepared to see you shake dry." 1232 00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:51,733 [laughter] 1233 00:51:53,026 --> 00:51:54,945 And this man walked right by everyone, 1234 00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:57,447 and he sat down next to an attractive woman. 1235 00:51:57,531 --> 00:51:58,573 And I was so impressed. 1236 00:51:58,657 --> 00:52:04,788 That woman could look beyond this man's appearance and focus solely on his wallet. 1237 00:52:04,871 --> 00:52:06,373 [laughter] 1238 00:52:06,456 --> 00:52:08,333 [man] Whoo! 1239 00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:11,419 But we all wanna be good-looking, right? 1240 00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:13,713 We all wanna be chased on the playground, right? 1241 00:52:13,797 --> 00:52:16,925 Some people go so far as to get plastic surgery. 1242 00:52:17,008 --> 00:52:19,219 They're like, "Oh, I don't wanna sound desperate, 1243 00:52:19,302 --> 00:52:21,221 but can you take a knife to my face?" 1244 00:52:21,304 --> 00:52:22,347 [laughter] 1245 00:52:22,430 --> 00:52:25,016 [screaming] "And make me pretty. Just keep cutting!" 1246 00:52:25,100 --> 00:52:27,102 [laughter] 1247 00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:31,648 It's kind of amazing more of us don't get plastic surgery 1248 00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:34,442 because we live in a beauty-obsessed society, right? 1249 00:52:34,526 --> 00:52:36,528 There are studies. There was a Harvard study, 1250 00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:40,615 that found that children believed good-looking people are nicer. 1251 00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:43,451 That study also found that children are stupid. 1252 00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:46,371 [laughter] 1253 00:52:46,454 --> 00:52:49,291 We definitely give good-looking people the benefit of the doubt. 1254 00:52:49,374 --> 00:52:51,710 Like if a really attractive person's quiet, 1255 00:52:51,793 --> 00:52:53,420 we think they're mysterious. 1256 00:52:53,503 --> 00:52:57,340 If a fat person is quiet, we assume they're thinking about food. 1257 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:58,925 [laughter] 1258 00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:01,344 And we are, we are, but there's still a mystery. 1259 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,263 You don't know what kind of food. 1260 00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:04,431 [laughter] 1261 00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:06,808 All right, it's cake. It's always cake. 1262 00:53:06,892 --> 00:53:09,311 But you don't know what kind. All right, it's red velvet. 1263 00:53:09,394 --> 00:53:11,104 [laughter] 1264 00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:14,441 As a result, we just like being around beautiful people. 1265 00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:15,734 You ever been out to eat 1266 00:53:15,817 --> 00:53:18,195 and you have a waiter or waitress that's really attractive? 1267 00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:21,114 For a second, you're like, "Wow, this is gonna be a good meal." 1268 00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,325 [laughter] 1269 00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:26,203 You ever have an ugly waiter, you're like, "Should we leave?" 1270 00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:27,579 [laughter] 1271 00:53:27,662 --> 00:53:29,289 I think that's why buffets started. 1272 00:53:29,372 --> 00:53:31,625 "You know what, I'll get my own food. Thank you." 1273 00:53:32,542 --> 00:53:35,629 "I don't need that mug near my entrée. You know what I mean?" 1274 00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:36,755 [laughter] 1275 00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:39,466 "Jim, you're a monster." 1276 00:53:41,551 --> 00:53:45,013 We follow good-looking people on social media, Instagram. 1277 00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:47,265 Beautiful people have millions of followers 1278 00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:51,019 and we like their photos and sometimes, we put a flame emoji. 1279 00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:53,730 It's totally socially acceptable. [chuckles] 1280 00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:56,191 If you did that in real life, you'd go to jail. 1281 00:53:56,274 --> 00:53:58,735 -[laughter] -"Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?" 1282 00:53:58,818 --> 00:54:00,612 "I'm following that lady." 1283 00:54:00,695 --> 00:54:02,030 [laughter] 1284 00:54:02,113 --> 00:54:04,824 "Uh, Can I ask why?" "I like to look at her." 1285 00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:06,243 [laughter] 1286 00:54:06,326 --> 00:54:08,495 "Can you give her this torch I brought her?" 1287 00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:10,997 [laughter] 1288 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:12,958 "And these prayer hands." 1289 00:54:13,041 --> 00:54:15,418 [laughter] 1290 00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:18,505 Everyone's got to settle down with the prayer hands emoji. 1291 00:54:19,464 --> 00:54:21,925 The overuse is ridiculous. [chuckles] 1292 00:54:22,008 --> 00:54:24,302 Got a text from a friend, "See you at dinner. Prayer hands." 1293 00:54:24,386 --> 00:54:26,429 [laughter] 1294 00:54:26,513 --> 00:54:29,766 "No. No prayer hands. Are you not gonna make it?" 1295 00:54:29,849 --> 00:54:32,102 [laughter] 1296 00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:35,480 "What are you suggesting? That we eat hands for dinner?" 1297 00:54:37,816 --> 00:54:39,317 My wife is very good-looking. 1298 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:41,528 That's right, I'm part of a mixed couple. 1299 00:54:41,611 --> 00:54:43,154 [laughter] 1300 00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:44,656 It's not fair. She's good-looking, 1301 00:54:44,739 --> 00:54:47,075 she's smart, she's creative. But you know what? 1302 00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:48,785 Horrible taste in men. 1303 00:54:48,868 --> 00:54:50,829 [laughter] 1304 00:54:50,912 --> 00:54:53,206 So it evens out. I'm happily married, 1305 00:54:53,290 --> 00:54:56,543 but I would say, once a week, I catch my wife giving me a look, like, 1306 00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:58,378 "I'm gonna have to let you go." 1307 00:54:58,461 --> 00:55:00,171 [laughter] 1308 00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,216 'Cause I disappoint her constantly. 1309 00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,509 I do things that annoy. 1310 00:55:04,592 --> 00:55:06,970 Like, here's something I do that annoys my wife. 1311 00:55:07,053 --> 00:55:08,763 I use the bathroom. 1312 00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,724 [laughter] 1313 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,059 I know. I shouldn't, right? 1314 00:55:13,977 --> 00:55:17,772 I get in trouble for not telling her I'm gonna use the bathroom. 1315 00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:21,234 "You just disappeared. Where'd you go?" 1316 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:23,486 [laughter] 1317 00:55:23,570 --> 00:55:25,697 "I didn't know I needed a hall pass." 1318 00:55:25,780 --> 00:55:27,365 [laughter] 1319 00:55:28,033 --> 00:55:31,703 I also get in trouble for telling her I'm gonna use the bathroom. 1320 00:55:31,786 --> 00:55:33,538 "Uh, I'm gonna use the bathroom." 1321 00:55:33,621 --> 00:55:34,789 "Again?" 1322 00:55:34,873 --> 00:55:36,333 [continuous laughter] 1323 00:55:36,416 --> 00:55:38,585 "Are you okay?" 1324 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:42,005 "How many times is that today?" 1325 00:55:42,630 --> 00:55:44,799 "You're disgusting." 1326 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:47,594 "What do you do in there?" 1327 00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:48,928 "Mostly get away from you." 1328 00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:52,182 [laughter] 1329 00:55:52,265 --> 00:55:55,268 When my wife's annoyed with me, she doesn't give me the silent treatment. 1330 00:55:55,352 --> 00:55:58,897 She'll just take too long to answer a simple question. 1331 00:55:59,731 --> 00:56:02,442 She'll be standing a foot away, looking at her phone and I'll be like, 1332 00:56:02,525 --> 00:56:05,278 "What time do we have to do that school thing?" And she'll just be like… 1333 00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:13,787 [laughter] 1334 00:56:20,335 --> 00:56:22,504 [laughter] 1335 00:56:22,587 --> 00:56:25,673 -[sighs] -[laughter] 1336 00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:28,343 "It's in the calendar." 1337 00:56:28,426 --> 00:56:29,844 [laughter] 1338 00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:35,016 [cheering, applauding] 1339 00:56:36,643 --> 00:56:39,854 I'll be like, "Uh, are you mad at me?" 1340 00:56:39,938 --> 00:56:45,443 [laughter] 1341 00:56:51,157 --> 00:56:53,827 -[sighs] -[laughter] 1342 00:56:56,955 --> 00:56:57,997 "No." 1343 00:56:58,081 --> 00:57:00,500 [laughter] 1344 00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:03,962 [Jim chuckles] 1345 00:57:04,629 --> 00:57:08,341 Recently, we learned that this couple that we're friends with are getting a divorce. 1346 00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:11,261 And not surprisingly, my wife was very upset. 1347 00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:12,429 With me. 1348 00:57:12,512 --> 00:57:14,347 [laughter] 1349 00:57:14,431 --> 00:57:17,725 I wasn't surprised 'cause this wasn't the first time 1350 00:57:17,809 --> 00:57:21,020 something I had nothing to do with was my fault. 1351 00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:22,397 [laughter] 1352 00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:25,525 Trump's election, the Kavanaugh hearings, that was my fault. 1353 00:57:26,401 --> 00:57:29,779 And I apologize 'cause I unconsciously planned the whole thing. 1354 00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:30,780 [laughter] 1355 00:57:30,864 --> 00:57:34,534 Now, I would never describe my wife as crazy, 'cause I like to be married. 1356 00:57:35,827 --> 00:57:37,704 But I do think it's interesting 1357 00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:41,624 that if a man calls another man crazy, it's a compliment. 1358 00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:44,210 "Here's my buddy, Joey. He's crazy." 1359 00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:46,880 Joey's like, "Oh, you're just being nice." 1360 00:57:46,963 --> 00:57:48,256 [laughter] 1361 00:57:48,339 --> 00:57:51,092 But if I was like, "This is my wife, Jeannie. She's crazy." 1362 00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:54,304 [laughter] 1363 00:57:54,387 --> 00:57:56,389 I even get nervous saying that. 1364 00:57:56,473 --> 00:57:59,309 [laughter] 1365 00:57:59,392 --> 00:58:01,269 [cheering, applauding] 1366 00:58:01,352 --> 00:58:02,395 [grunts] 1367 00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:06,816 She's back in New York, but you never know. [chuckles] 1368 00:58:06,900 --> 00:58:07,942 [laughter] 1369 00:58:08,026 --> 00:58:09,569 'Cause if my wife was standing here 1370 00:58:09,652 --> 00:58:11,446 and I was like, "This is my wife, she's crazy," 1371 00:58:12,822 --> 00:58:13,781 I'd be dead. 1372 00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:15,074 [laughter] 1373 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:16,451 And all of you would applaud. 1374 00:58:16,534 --> 00:58:19,037 You'd be like, "Well, that was a teachable moment. Yeah." 1375 00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:20,830 [laughter, applause] 1376 00:58:23,416 --> 00:58:24,959 "We learned something." 1377 00:58:25,043 --> 00:58:26,711 No, we're hanging in there. 1378 00:58:26,794 --> 00:58:29,172 By the way, if at the start of the pandemic, 1379 00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:30,507 you were in a relationship 1380 00:58:30,590 --> 00:58:34,677 and you're still in that relationship, you should get money, right? 1381 00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:35,637 [laughter] 1382 00:58:36,304 --> 00:58:37,388 Right? 1383 00:58:37,472 --> 00:58:39,265 [applause] 1384 00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,267 Because before the pandemic, 1385 00:58:41,351 --> 00:58:44,521 if you'd hear of a couple splitting up, you were like, "Oh, no." 1386 00:58:44,604 --> 00:58:46,773 But during the pandemic, when you'd hear of a break up, 1387 00:58:46,856 --> 00:58:48,733 you're like, "Oh, of course." 1388 00:58:48,816 --> 00:58:51,236 [laughter] 1389 00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:53,905 You felt for the couples that stayed together. 1390 00:58:54,697 --> 00:58:56,991 "You're still together? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." 1391 00:58:57,075 --> 00:58:58,576 [laughter] 1392 00:58:58,660 --> 00:59:00,078 "Co-dependency, huh?" 1393 00:59:01,996 --> 00:59:04,916 'Cause it doesn't matter how strong your relationship was. 1394 00:59:04,999 --> 00:59:07,335 At one point during the pandemic, 1395 00:59:07,418 --> 00:59:11,464 you looked at your partner and thought, "I think I'd rather have the coronavirus." 1396 00:59:11,548 --> 00:59:14,175 [laughter] 1397 00:59:14,259 --> 00:59:17,345 I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. 1398 00:59:17,428 --> 00:59:18,638 [laughter] 1399 00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:20,390 Everyone had that moment where they're like, 1400 00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:22,600 "You know, how uncomfortable is that ventilator?" 1401 00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:24,310 [laughter] 1402 00:59:24,394 --> 00:59:25,770 "I know I wouldn't be able to talk, 1403 00:59:25,853 --> 00:59:28,106 but does that mean I wouldn't be able to hear her?" 1404 00:59:28,189 --> 00:59:29,857 [laughter] 1405 00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:32,485 "Do they have a ventilator just for the ears?" 1406 00:59:32,569 --> 00:59:33,653 [laughter] 1407 00:59:33,736 --> 00:59:35,655 "Jim, you're a monster." 1408 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:38,866 My wife's an amazing mother. 1409 00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:41,369 We have five children. Can you believe that? 1410 00:59:41,452 --> 00:59:43,037 -Five children. Thank you. -[cheering] 1411 00:59:44,163 --> 00:59:45,206 Thank you. 1412 00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:47,333 It is something I regret… 1413 00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,294 [laughter] 1414 00:59:49,377 --> 00:59:50,878 …'cause there's too many of them. 1415 00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:52,672 There's way too many. 1416 00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:55,842 Sometimes at dinner, I just pretend I'm hosting a reality show… 1417 00:59:55,925 --> 00:59:56,759 [laughter] 1418 00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:59,470 …called So You Think You're Going To College. 1419 00:59:59,554 --> 01:00:01,222 [laughter] 1420 01:00:01,306 --> 01:00:03,182 'Cause they all can't go. 1421 01:00:04,225 --> 01:00:06,769 They all can't go, not if I'm getting that boat. 1422 01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:09,147 [laughter] 1423 01:00:09,230 --> 01:00:12,275 I'm kidding. Obviously, I'm not getting the boat… 1424 01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:14,402 not until I get a motorcycle, you know. 1425 01:00:14,485 --> 01:00:15,570 [laughter] 1426 01:00:15,653 --> 01:00:17,572 My kids find me annoying. 1427 01:00:17,655 --> 01:00:19,949 All children find their parents annoying, 1428 01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:25,997 which is kind of ironic, given children essentially ruined their parents' lives. 1429 01:00:26,080 --> 01:00:28,416 -[laughter] -Right? [chuckles] 1430 01:00:28,499 --> 01:00:30,627 Parents give their children their time, 1431 01:00:30,710 --> 01:00:32,462 their energy and their money, 1432 01:00:32,545 --> 01:00:36,257 and we repay our parents with resentment. 1433 01:00:36,341 --> 01:00:37,508 [laughter] 1434 01:00:37,592 --> 01:00:40,303 Have you ever seen an adult get a phone call from one of their parents? 1435 01:00:40,386 --> 01:00:42,388 You'd think it was a debt collector. 1436 01:00:43,222 --> 01:00:44,974 "Ugh. It's my mom." 1437 01:00:45,058 --> 01:00:46,517 [laughter] 1438 01:00:46,601 --> 01:00:50,647 "Yeah, I know you took care of me for a quarter of a century, 1439 01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:52,899 but now is not a good time." 1440 01:00:53,900 --> 01:00:57,904 [cheering, applauding] 1441 01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:04,243 "You know what wasn't a good time? Giving up my dreams… 1442 01:01:04,327 --> 01:01:05,995 [laughter] 1443 01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:08,289 …so you could be a general disappointment." 1444 01:01:08,373 --> 01:01:09,666 [laughter] 1445 01:01:09,749 --> 01:01:15,505 No, I would never suggest that children are God's punishment for having sex. 1446 01:01:15,588 --> 01:01:16,964 [laughter] 1447 01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,758 But an argument could be made. 1448 01:01:18,841 --> 01:01:21,219 [laughter] 1449 01:01:21,302 --> 01:01:24,555 And he's up there, "Oh, they're enjoying that way too much." 1450 01:01:25,223 --> 01:01:28,017 "How can I get them to pray tomorrow?" 1451 01:01:28,101 --> 01:01:29,352 [laughter] 1452 01:01:30,061 --> 01:01:33,189 I do love being a parent. It's the most important thing I'll do in my life. 1453 01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:36,401 But it's an insane proposition. 1454 01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:38,236 You give your children everything. 1455 01:01:38,319 --> 01:01:41,280 You give them everything and then just one day, they leave. 1456 01:01:41,364 --> 01:01:43,741 They're like, "See you! Thanks for nothing." 1457 01:01:43,825 --> 01:01:47,537 [laughter] 1458 01:01:47,620 --> 01:01:49,997 "I'll let you know if I need help with a mortgage." 1459 01:01:50,081 --> 01:01:52,792 [laughter] 1460 01:01:54,752 --> 01:01:56,295 Sometimes they don't leave, right? 1461 01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:59,048 They just stick around. They turn into roommates. 1462 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:00,007 [laughter] 1463 01:02:00,091 --> 01:02:01,342 Not going to happen in my house. 1464 01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:03,636 I already have a backpack for each of them. 1465 01:02:04,178 --> 01:02:05,680 They've seen the bags, "What's that?" 1466 01:02:05,763 --> 01:02:08,474 I'm like, "When you turn 18, that's your going-away present." 1467 01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:10,143 [laughter] 1468 01:02:10,226 --> 01:02:11,769 "Jim, you're a monster." 1469 01:02:12,395 --> 01:02:14,647 [chuckles] I try to be a good dad. 1470 01:02:14,731 --> 01:02:17,108 I feel like I make more of an effort than my father. 1471 01:02:17,191 --> 01:02:20,194 My dad's generation, they didn't have to do anything. 1472 01:02:21,028 --> 01:02:23,990 My dad never went to a parent-teacher conference. 1473 01:02:24,615 --> 01:02:27,118 My dad didn't even know I went to school. 1474 01:02:27,201 --> 01:02:29,287 [laughter] 1475 01:02:29,370 --> 01:02:32,540 My father couldn't be bothered to turn his head 1476 01:02:32,623 --> 01:02:34,709 if something was happening behind him. 1477 01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:37,420 [shouts] "What the hell's going on back there?" 1478 01:02:37,503 --> 01:02:40,298 [laughter] 1479 01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:43,342 I don't know if he couldn't turn his head 1480 01:02:43,426 --> 01:02:45,344 or if it wasn't worth the effort. 1481 01:02:46,137 --> 01:02:47,972 [shouts] "What the hell is going on back there?" 1482 01:02:48,055 --> 01:02:51,225 [stammers] "Oh, we're celebrating my birthday." 1483 01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:53,102 [laughter] 1484 01:02:53,186 --> 01:02:56,230 "Oh, keep it down. I'm watching Ironsides." 1485 01:02:56,898 --> 01:03:00,193 ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 1486 01:03:00,276 --> 01:03:02,779 ♪ To you ♪ 1487 01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:09,285 My children give me guilt trips I wouldn't even contemplate. 1488 01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:12,538 Like my daughter was in a play on Thursday and Friday, 1489 01:03:12,622 --> 01:03:14,624 so I went on Thursday night and then Friday morning, 1490 01:03:14,707 --> 01:03:16,375 she saw me with my rolly bag and was like, 1491 01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:19,170 "Oh, you're not coming to my show tonight?" 1492 01:03:19,253 --> 01:03:22,131 I'm like, "You've never been to one of my shows." 1493 01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:24,342 [laughter] 1494 01:03:24,425 --> 01:03:26,511 "I do 300 a year." 1495 01:03:26,594 --> 01:03:28,471 [laughter] 1496 01:03:29,055 --> 01:03:30,556 My big plan 1497 01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:36,270 was to teach my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. 1498 01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:37,980 So I texted my teenage daughter. I'm like, 1499 01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:40,525 "Do you wanna sell posters after my show? I'll pay you." 1500 01:03:40,608 --> 01:03:42,276 She texted back, "Great, sounds good." 1501 01:03:42,360 --> 01:03:43,569 Then I texted my teenage son. 1502 01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:45,863 "Do you want to sell posters after my show? I'll pay you." 1503 01:03:45,947 --> 01:03:48,574 He texted back, "No thanks. I don't need the money." 1504 01:03:48,658 --> 01:03:51,994 [laughter] 1505 01:03:52,078 --> 01:03:54,038 He doesn't have any money. 1506 01:03:54,121 --> 01:03:55,456 [laughter] 1507 01:03:55,540 --> 01:03:57,166 He has my money. 1508 01:03:57,250 --> 01:03:58,709 [laughter] 1509 01:03:58,793 --> 01:04:01,003 I just texted back, "You're out of the will." 1510 01:04:01,087 --> 01:04:02,588 [laughter] 1511 01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:04,549 I'm kidding. He was never in it. 1512 01:04:04,632 --> 01:04:07,301 -[audience laughing] -[Jim chuckles] 1513 01:04:07,385 --> 01:04:09,345 If my father asked me to do something, 1514 01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:12,056 he wouldn't even stick around for an answer. 1515 01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:15,393 "You wanna shovel the driveway?" Then he'd just leave. 1516 01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:17,228 [laughter] 1517 01:04:17,311 --> 01:04:21,357 It was understood I was gonna shovel the driveway or move out. 1518 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:23,359 [laughter] 1519 01:04:24,569 --> 01:04:26,279 I was kind of frightened of my dad. 1520 01:04:26,362 --> 01:04:31,534 My children treat me like some bank teller they reluctantly have to deal with. 1521 01:04:31,617 --> 01:04:33,619 [laughter] 1522 01:04:33,703 --> 01:04:35,913 Once a week, they just appear in front of me. 1523 01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:39,584 "Hmm… Mom said I could get a shark… 1524 01:04:39,667 --> 01:04:42,879 [laughter] 1525 01:04:42,962 --> 01:04:45,172 …so I guess I need your credit card." 1526 01:04:45,256 --> 01:04:47,466 [laughter] 1527 01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:51,262 I'm like, "What are you talking about?" "He's yelling again, Mom!" 1528 01:04:51,345 --> 01:04:53,598 [laughter] 1529 01:04:56,517 --> 01:05:01,647 If my dad was in a room in the house, I wouldn't go to that side of the house. 1530 01:05:01,731 --> 01:05:02,982 [laughter] 1531 01:05:03,065 --> 01:05:04,775 "I'll just pee outside." 1532 01:05:04,859 --> 01:05:05,985 [laughter] 1533 01:05:06,068 --> 01:05:09,822 And I had all these older siblings that used to send me in there to ask questions. 1534 01:05:09,906 --> 01:05:11,699 "Go ask Dad if we can go to Dairy Queen." 1535 01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:13,242 "I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it." 1536 01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:14,744 "Go. You're too young to kill." 1537 01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:17,121 [laughter] 1538 01:05:17,204 --> 01:05:18,539 "Dad?" "What the hell do you want?" 1539 01:05:18,623 --> 01:05:20,207 [stammers] "He said, no." 1540 01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:23,044 [laughter] 1541 01:05:26,505 --> 01:05:29,133 When I didn't have kids, I didn't understand my dad at all. 1542 01:05:29,216 --> 01:05:32,553 By the way, if you don't have children, none of this should make sense. 1543 01:05:32,637 --> 01:05:33,888 [laughter] 1544 01:05:33,971 --> 01:05:36,432 Or even the concept of a Saturday night. 1545 01:05:36,515 --> 01:05:39,810 When you don't have kids, you're like, "Saturday!" 1546 01:05:39,894 --> 01:05:43,522 And when you're a parent, you're like, "Who can we pay to come to this house… 1547 01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:46,317 [laughter, applauding] 1548 01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:48,653 …and watch this child?" 1549 01:05:49,654 --> 01:05:53,741 -And your standards drop so dramatically. -[laughter] 1550 01:05:53,824 --> 01:05:55,743 Initially, like, "They should have a PhD." 1551 01:05:55,826 --> 01:05:58,329 And then you're like, "Well, how long were they in jail?" 1552 01:05:58,412 --> 01:05:59,956 [laughter] 1553 01:06:00,039 --> 01:06:02,333 "Murder? It wasn't children, right?" 1554 01:06:02,416 --> 01:06:03,960 [laughter] 1555 01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:05,962 "A Satanist? You'll fit right in." 1556 01:06:06,045 --> 01:06:07,296 [laughter] 1557 01:06:10,925 --> 01:06:14,971 Any parent will tell you that, like, having children has enriched their lives. 1558 01:06:15,054 --> 01:06:17,556 It's exposed them to things they never thought they'd do. 1559 01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:20,518 Like kids just-- You end up doing things you never thought you'd do. 1560 01:06:20,601 --> 01:06:22,728 Like for me, going outside. 1561 01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:24,271 [laughter] 1562 01:06:24,355 --> 01:06:27,984 You ever go outside with real little kids? You don't even know what to do with them. 1563 01:06:28,067 --> 01:06:30,945 You're like, "Well, I normally just drink out here." 1564 01:06:31,028 --> 01:06:33,447 [laughter] 1565 01:06:34,824 --> 01:06:36,909 "Who wants to play a game of nap?" 1566 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,619 [laughter] 1567 01:06:40,496 --> 01:06:44,166 It's weird when your kids have a friend that you're not a fan of. 1568 01:06:45,167 --> 01:06:48,295 "Oh, Tommy's coming over? Well, I'll be leaving." 1569 01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:50,548 [laughter] 1570 01:06:50,631 --> 01:06:53,134 "You can text me when Tommy is gone… 1571 01:06:53,217 --> 01:06:54,343 [laughter] 1572 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:55,845 …'cause he's immature." 1573 01:06:55,928 --> 01:06:58,014 [laughter] 1574 01:06:58,097 --> 01:07:00,975 I wasn't prepared for all the activities kids have. 1575 01:07:01,058 --> 01:07:04,770 You pick up your kid and bring them to an activity, then to another activity. 1576 01:07:04,854 --> 01:07:06,480 And if they don't have an activity, 1577 01:07:06,564 --> 01:07:08,983 you have to think of one, or they'll smoke meth. 1578 01:07:09,066 --> 01:07:11,736 [laughter] 1579 01:07:11,819 --> 01:07:14,488 You're always looking for an activity as a parent. 1580 01:07:14,572 --> 01:07:17,742 I took my kids to Ripley's Believe It or Not. 1581 01:07:17,825 --> 01:07:20,870 I don't know if you've ever been that desperate for something to do. 1582 01:07:20,953 --> 01:07:22,038 [laughter] 1583 01:07:22,121 --> 01:07:24,165 What can I tell you about Ripley's Believe It or Not? 1584 01:07:24,248 --> 01:07:26,208 It's mostly not. 1585 01:07:26,292 --> 01:07:28,335 [laughter] 1586 01:07:28,419 --> 01:07:32,131 It's not interesting. It's not even a lot of stuff. 1587 01:07:32,715 --> 01:07:36,093 It's like they just emptied out some drifter's storage unit. 1588 01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:37,887 [laughter] 1589 01:07:37,970 --> 01:07:41,098 I do admire that business model, you know. 1590 01:07:41,182 --> 01:07:44,310 Most businesses attempt to establish trust with the customer. 1591 01:07:44,393 --> 01:07:45,770 Not Ripley's. 1592 01:07:45,853 --> 01:07:48,731 Like, "Believe it… or not. We don't care." 1593 01:07:48,814 --> 01:07:50,399 [laughter] 1594 01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:52,234 "We know you're not coming back." 1595 01:07:52,318 --> 01:07:54,612 [laughter] 1596 01:07:56,238 --> 01:07:58,616 I'm still getting used to having teenagers. 1597 01:07:58,699 --> 01:08:02,328 Recently, my 17-year-old daughter told me that she wants to be an actor, 1598 01:08:02,411 --> 01:08:04,955 which is so crazy 'cause when I was that age, 1599 01:08:05,039 --> 01:08:07,833 that movie Dead Poets Society came out, 1600 01:08:07,917 --> 01:08:10,377 which is an amazing movie with Robin Williams, 1601 01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:15,216 where he plays this teacher who inspires these students to seize the day, right? 1602 01:08:15,299 --> 01:08:18,427 And one of the students wants to be an actor. 1603 01:08:18,511 --> 01:08:22,014 And, you know, he joins the play and he invites his dad to see the play 1604 01:08:22,098 --> 01:08:24,642 and after the play, he tells his dad that he wants to be an actor. 1605 01:08:24,725 --> 01:08:27,978 Dad's like, "You're not gonna be an actor, that's stupid. Waste of time and money…" 1606 01:08:28,062 --> 01:08:28,938 [grunts] 1607 01:08:29,021 --> 01:08:31,482 The kid's so distraught he kills himself, 1608 01:08:31,565 --> 01:08:34,902 and then the teacher gets fired and all the kids stand on desks… 1609 01:08:36,112 --> 01:08:39,406 [laughter] 1610 01:08:39,490 --> 01:08:41,325 Anyway, it's a great movie. 1611 01:08:41,408 --> 01:08:42,618 [laughter] 1612 01:08:42,701 --> 01:08:47,331 No, now… now that I'm the parent of a teenager, 1613 01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:52,628 I realized that dad in Dead Poets Society was right. 1614 01:08:52,711 --> 01:08:54,797 [laughter] 1615 01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:58,509 I'm kidding. I know the point of the movie is, "Don't be a teacher." 1616 01:08:58,592 --> 01:09:00,761 [laughter] 1617 01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:05,975 My wife hates that joke so much. 1618 01:09:06,058 --> 01:09:07,476 [laughter] 1619 01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:09,061 My kids, I don't know what they think. 1620 01:09:09,145 --> 01:09:11,564 I don't even think my kids know what I do for a living. 1621 01:09:11,647 --> 01:09:12,565 [laughter] 1622 01:09:12,648 --> 01:09:16,485 Or I should say I didn't think they knew what I did for a living 1623 01:09:16,569 --> 01:09:18,445 till last Halloween. 1624 01:09:18,529 --> 01:09:21,448 My 10-year-old, Michael, didn't know what he wanted to be for Halloween, 1625 01:09:21,532 --> 01:09:23,117 which is a crisis. 1626 01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:25,327 If you're a parent, you know this. 1627 01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:28,038 Then, like, two days before Halloween, he ran up to me and he goes, 1628 01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:29,915 "I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween." 1629 01:09:29,999 --> 01:09:32,668 "I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian." 1630 01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:34,336 And I was so touched. 1631 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:37,673 I was like, "Oh, my gosh, for Halloween, you wanna be your dad." 1632 01:09:37,756 --> 01:09:40,676 And he goes, "No, I wanna be John Mulaney." 1633 01:09:40,759 --> 01:09:42,219 [laughter] 1634 01:09:42,303 --> 01:09:45,890 Slap! Right across the face. 1635 01:09:45,973 --> 01:09:47,683 Thank you so much, you guys. 1636 01:09:47,766 --> 01:09:48,934 [audience cheering] 1637 01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:50,060 Appreciate it. 1638 01:09:50,144 --> 01:09:52,771 [audience cheering and applauding] 1639 01:09:52,855 --> 01:09:59,320 [marching band music playing] 1640 01:10:40,402 --> 01:10:43,072 {\an8}[motorcycle engine revving] 1641 01:10:43,656 --> 01:10:45,407 [child on V.O.] {\an8}That's Mom and Dad.