1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:19,310 [bright tone] 4 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,313 [microphone droans] 5 00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:29,529 My new special, Junior. 6 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,574 You know the first one? You was in your mama's stomach. 7 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,034 -Man, can you believe that? -Yeah. 8 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,577 You was there, but you wasn't there. 9 00:00:35,618 --> 00:00:37,370 -Oh. -And now look at this. 10 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:38,913 You gonna bring me up on stage. 11 00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:42,208 My man, Isaiah-- Isaiah over here, 12 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,335 he started opening up for his dad 13 00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:45,420 when he was, like, 12 years old. 14 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:46,671 You ten. He was opening up 15 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,048 for his dad at 12. 16 00:00:48,089 --> 00:00:49,758 -[Isaiah] Yup. -I mean, how did you feel 17 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,551 to be opening up for your dad? Being in a comedy clubs? 18 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,054 That's a good experience, man. Good experience. Yes. 19 00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:55,889 Yeah, all right, so, you got any advice for Junior 20 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,058 -before he go on stage? -Oh, just go up there, 21 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:00,518 be yourself. You know, be a kid. 22 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,562 You know--You know how you are with your friends. 23 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,564 Go up there and be that same LJ. 24 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,066 You know what I mean? Kill the crowd. 25 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,567 -They gonna love you. -Man, that's right. 26 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,402 Man, thanks, man. That was great, man. 27 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:10,904 -You got that? -Yeah. 28 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,906 I'm glad you gave Junior that advice. 29 00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,282 -Of course. -I mean, because then-- 30 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,743 Now, you know, I just really see a visual 31 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,745 of my man here. You got the charisma, 32 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,080 -the look, the style. -Mm-hmm. Yup. Yup. 33 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,873 Since he started like you, you know? 34 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,042 I don't need you no more, man. 35 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,919 You gonna-- For tonight. 36 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,754 'Cause--For the special? -No. 37 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:28,963 -[Lavelle] No. -'Cause we got more dates 38 00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,590 after this. You know, we got-- 39 00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,133 [Lavelle] I know I told you you was on 'em, 40 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,802 but, I mean, look he got it. 41 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:36,221 I mean, he's in house. Keep the money in the house. 42 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:38,139 Family, you know what I'm saying? 43 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,766 Hey, Floyd, get him a seat outside. 44 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,893 Get him a seat at the-- Can you do that for us? 45 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,770 -I can't sit in the Green Room? -Nah, man. 46 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,063 I mean, it's for talent. 47 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,565 You like family, man, but... 48 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:48,942 We been through a lot, though. 49 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:50,652 I know, man. I love you, though, baby. 50 00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:52,112 You know I love you, man. 51 00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:53,571 Thank you, though. Thank you. 52 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,573 Let me just share this with you. 53 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:56,950 I want you to do well 'cause...[chuckles] 54 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,785 you know, just like I replaced him? 55 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,620 -I replace your ass, too. -No, no. 56 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:06,126 [man] Show your love for my man Lavell Crawford! 57 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:09,129 [cheers and applause] 58 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:12,132 [hip-hop music playing] 59 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,138 What's happening, people? 60 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:19,764 [audience] What's happening? 61 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,809 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. 62 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:26,312 Lavelle Crawford, he lost a lot of weight... 63 00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:27,438 [audience chuckles] 64 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,650 and--and he got his hair back 65 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,111 and he looks like a kid again. 66 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,114 Nah, he's still old and bald. 67 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:39,826 Let me stop before I get two chops to the throat. 68 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:43,329 Welcome my dad, the one you came to see! 69 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:46,332 -Lavell Crawford! -[cheers and applause] 70 00:02:57,051 --> 00:03:01,306 Hey, give it up for my man. Give it up for him, man. 71 00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:04,309 [cheers and applause] 72 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,061 Yeah, boy, there you go. My son, man. 73 00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:09,314 Ten years ago, my first special, 74 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:11,858 he--he was in his mother's stomach. 75 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:15,403 I had just made him. You know, I'd just made 76 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,906 the mix and now he on stage. 77 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,992 Think he a comedian now. 78 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,204 He better get it together. I want 10% of that damn money. 79 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,331 Talk about, "I wanna make what you make." 80 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,541 Shit, you ain't make what I make. 81 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:31,336 That's zero. I ain't getting no damn money. 82 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,504 Everything I get go on your little ass. 83 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:37,842 Teeth and haircuts and fucking Jordans and shit. 84 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,761 I was like, "Who the fuck is Michael Jordan? 85 00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,846 He ain't playing no more. Charging-- 86 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,765 Charging that much for a fucking shoe. 87 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:45,266 He ain't playing. He can't play 88 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,894 a lick of basketball. He can't do shit. 89 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:50,021 I got the Jordans. They hurt my fucking feet. 90 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,191 I'm too--I'm too grown for Jordans, man. 91 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,360 They ain't for a man that need orthopedic shoes, 92 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:56,903 you know what I'm saying? 93 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,572 Man, thank y'all for coming out, Tempe, Arizona. 94 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,574 Man, thank y'all so much. 95 00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:04,953 -Yeah. -[cheers and applause] 96 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:08,748 This is my-- my fifth comedy special, man. 97 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,375 This is another one in the belt. 98 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,211 Did some crazy shit. Tons of stuff, 99 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,089 but we had a fucking ball. I don't give a fuck. 100 00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,883 It was supposed to be over a long time ago. 101 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,803 -We still hanging in this bitch. -[audience cheers] 102 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:25,098 Still doing the same bullshit every-- 103 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:26,933 Everybody going through something. 104 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,602 Nobody can bitch no more. It's an even playing ground now. 105 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,771 You know what I'm saying? White folks looking at niggas 106 00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:35,108 like, "Hey, don't come to me. We're all in this 107 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,944 fucking together." 108 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:41,447 You gotta laugh, man. 109 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,825 We gotta laugh. People--We know 110 00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:46,452 what we been through. I think we--I think we blessed 111 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:48,288 to still be here. This shit--shit here. 112 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,790 I think it was supposed to be over, but God just let it 113 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,667 run a little longer than He should've 114 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,253 'cause we supposed to be gone during Y2K. 115 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,798 Then we supposed to be gone 2012 said the Mayans. 116 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,134 [chuckles] We still fucking here. 117 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:04,762 I got a lot of Twinkies. I got duct tape. I got water. 118 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,347 We ain't--The world ain't fucking ending. 119 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,974 We still here, but it's getting 120 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,809 kind of fucked up now, though. 121 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,978 It's getting real fucked up now, you know? 122 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,439 You have fucking viruses and shit. 123 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,649 We been having fucking viruses. I don't know why this virus 124 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,026 is so worse than the other ones. 125 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,320 We had a lot of shit killing us before. 126 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,530 We had AIDS. Remember AIDS? 127 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:26,367 AIDS was real fucked up. Nobody put no fucking mask on. 128 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,703 You know, they wouldn't even put a condom on. 129 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:32,165 "Oh, she ain't sick. She all right. 130 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:34,125 She ain't sick. She don't even smell 131 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,835 like she's sick." 132 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:38,796 -[audience groans] -[laughs] 133 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,178 Yeah, he's screaming real loud like he done that shit. 134 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,513 [laughter] 135 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:49,307 Remember--Remember herpes? 136 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,351 You had a big ass fucking bump on your lip. 137 00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,228 "Hey, man, you got herpes?" "Nah, that's acne." 138 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:56,189 "Bullshit. 139 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:58,232 Your Proactiv really ain't working. 140 00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:00,026 You know what? Take your cups 141 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:04,030 and your silverware home with you, you know?" 142 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,699 But now, COVID-19 is here. 143 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,326 Scaring the fuck outta everybody. 144 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,496 It just came on the scene. Fuck cancer and leukemia. 145 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:16,501 All those--diabetes. All them diseases, COVID-19 146 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,920 which is on the back of a Lysol can. 147 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:21,255 Got us all walking around looking like we about 148 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,549 to rob a train. 149 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,385 This the only time you supposed to wear a mask 150 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,011 when you walk in the bank. I walk in the bank, 151 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,514 "Sir, you can't come in here without a mask." 152 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,766 I said, "Thank you for warning me, sir." 153 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,559 I put my mask on. Came in. 154 00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:36,229 "Everybody on the ground now! 155 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:39,607 Everybody on the fucking ground now!" 156 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:43,027 [laughter] 157 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:46,406 "I'm just glad he's robbing us with a mask on. 158 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,742 At least be safe. I don't wanna get sick 159 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:53,246 laying on this floor." 160 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:55,748 'Cause people so stupid with this fucking mask. 161 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,708 I'm so sick of you motherfuckers be fucking, 162 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,253 "Put your mask on!" 163 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:03,381 "Put yours on, ugly bitch." You know? 164 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,800 I'm tired of that stupid-ass shit. 165 00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,428 I mean, you gotta cover both air holes. 166 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:09,929 "Cover your mouth. Cover your nose." 167 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,432 -"I can't fucking breathe. -[laughter] 168 00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:15,601 I need one of 'em open, motherfucker." 169 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,438 What kind of bullshit is that? 170 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,440 And they want you to put that cloth shit on your-- 171 00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,817 You got a tampon on your fucking face. 172 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,319 That shit hurt. Into your goddamn nose. 173 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,613 Got a piece of metal in the shit. 174 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:29,240 And then, Black folk, we change it up. 175 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,576 "Shit, I blinged mine out, girl. 176 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,579 I put studs and shit all over it. 177 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:37,790 I got 'God Blessed Me' 'I'm Blessed' on it." 178 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:41,294 [laughs] We just go too goddamn far. 179 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:44,589 We gonna pimp our masks. 180 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,175 Shit...[laughs] 181 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:49,177 And, you know, the mask just so stupid 182 00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:52,472 'cause people wear 'em outside in God's fresh air. 183 00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:55,349 Birds still fucking flying around. 184 00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:56,976 [laughter] 185 00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,478 They're like, "Look at that dumb motherfucker 186 00:07:58,519 --> 00:08:01,147 out here with a mask on." 187 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,316 You know, that's God's fresh air. 188 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,985 What the fuck you scared of outside? 189 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:09,322 I mean, now--I mean, I can't get on board with this mask shit 190 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,158 unless I'm outside and a bird gonna go, [gasping]. 191 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,659 Boom! Then I'll be like, "Oh, shit. 192 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:16,329 This shit's for real. It's for real. 193 00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:19,457 Lord help me, Jesus." 194 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,792 But right now, fuck the damn masks. 195 00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,462 I only wear it 'cause I can't get in stores without it. 196 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,714 Soon as I get in, I pull that bitch down. 197 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,382 I'll be walking around, "Excuse me, sir. 198 00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:31,469 Oh, I'm so sorry. 199 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,638 Did I have it down? It just fell down. 200 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,974 I'm so sorry. This mask got a mind of itself." 201 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:42,355 They don't work. If you can still smell a fart, 202 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:44,482 you know these masks don't work. 203 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,234 For real. I mean, for real. 204 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,528 They don't work. I farted on a guy with a mask 205 00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,696 the other day. I lit him up, too, man. 206 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:53,533 I gave one of them silent but deadly ones. 207 00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:55,868 Right...ah-ha! 208 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,995 And it stinked so bad it looked like he came out 209 00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,580 with a knife in his hand. I was like, 210 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,999 "Ooh, ooh, I ain't even gonna look at him. 211 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,584 I ain't even gonna look at him. 212 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,336 Hope he don't think it's me." I turned around. 213 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,921 He looked at me right in my damn face. 214 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:08,881 He was like--I was like, "What's your problem?" 215 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:12,718 He said, "Did you just fart?" I said, "Did you smell it?" 216 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,221 He said, "Yes, I did." 217 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:18,057 I said, "Well, your mask is malfunctioning 218 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,226 and you should be saying 'Thank you.' 219 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,395 'Cause I just saved your life. 220 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:24,397 'Cause if my fart get through that mask, 221 00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:28,693 Lord knows COVID-19 is following right behind it." 222 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:32,363 -[laughter] -I'm a hero today! 223 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,115 This the best time to fart, though. 224 00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:37,201 I mean, in public. It's like, fartopia out there. 225 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,704 I be farting on groups of motherfuckers. 226 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,581 I be crop, badab badab badab. 227 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:43,457 Rabadab. They don't even know it's me. 228 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,710 I can just stand by and letting shit out. 229 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,087 They'll be like, "Oh, my God, it must be a sewer main 230 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,089 broke around here." 231 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:52,466 And I be standing right there. "Yes, this city is just 232 00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:55,595 falling apart." 233 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:58,431 'Cause back in the day when you had to fart, 234 00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:00,933 stomach be bothering you. Had to find--You had to find 235 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,810 a secret space to fart, you know? 236 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,604 You had to find a place no one's at. 237 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,439 Like, in the grocery store, I find an empty aisle. 238 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,899 Usually where the disinfectants is, you know? 239 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:12,236 'Cause if it stink too bad, I just spray some Lysol around. 240 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,905 You know, Lysol is so funny. 241 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:18,242 It kills 99.9 motherfucking odors, 242 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,578 but shit ain't one. 243 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,413 But it smell like-- it smell like-- 244 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,957 [laughs] either you shit a bunch of lemons, 245 00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:27,627 or you shit a tree. That's how it smell. 246 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:29,670 I mean, I killed that aisle, man. 247 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,464 I wiped that aisle out. 248 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,674 They need to put some cones down there. 249 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:37,178 But then always--Old Reliable, nosey motherfucker 250 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:40,306 come right behind me. 251 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:43,476 "Oh, my God, we need a manager immediately. 252 00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:46,312 I think something died over here under these shelves. 253 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,982 Sir, do you smell that?" "No. No, I do not." 254 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:53,861 "You don't smell that, sir?" "No, I do not... 255 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,280 smell it." 256 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,450 And I got outta there before I got arrested. 257 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:03,162 [laughs] 258 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,332 This shit--This shit get-- This shit getting stupid, man. 259 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,542 They think we-- They think we dumb, man. 260 00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:10,169 For real. You go to the grocery store, 261 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,046 they got street signs in the grocery store now. 262 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,048 "One Way." "Left Turn." 263 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,842 "Stop." I went--I went down-- 264 00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:18,344 back down the aisle, this lady goes, 265 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:21,180 "Excuse me, sir. You're going the wrong way." 266 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:24,350 I said, "Hell if I am. My sour cream and onion 267 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,852 potato chips down here. I'll be damned 268 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,313 if I walk all the way around this fucking store 269 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,649 to come back where the fuck I'm at. 270 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,984 You better report me, ho, 271 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,195 'cause I'm legal." 272 00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:41,534 This shit getting out of control 'cause people 273 00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:44,203 be snitching on you. Not having your mask on. 274 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:47,039 And every--Nobody know all the symptoms and shit 275 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,499 so, I mean, you do something, 276 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,084 "Ah, look at him scratchin' his forehead. 277 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,002 That motherfucker got that shit. 278 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,338 Look at--Aah, what you sniffing for, motherfucker? 279 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:57,007 What wrong with you? Uh-uh, stay out of my house." 280 00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:00,386 You know, but I read on the can, "Lysol kill COVID-19." 281 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,346 Shit, I got the vaccine right there. 282 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:05,057 I just spray my face right away with Lysol. 283 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,268 It burned like a motherfucker for like, 40 minutes, 284 00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:10,563 Then I'm good, you know what I'm saying? 285 00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:13,733 I don't like to mask myself because it's a burden. 286 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,693 You know how it is. You rushing. 287 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,361 I'm going to the store real quick. 288 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,238 I get to the fucking door like, "Damn! 289 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,741 I forgot my damn mask." And then my car parked 290 00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,743 all the way at the end of the fucking street 291 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,746 and it's raining outside. Like, "Fuck that damn mask. 292 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,289 I'm going in the store anyway." 293 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,583 I say, "I wish a motherfucker would 294 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,085 say something to me." I walk in the door, 295 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,712 police standing with his mask on, 296 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,756 hand on his gun, talking about, "Sir, where your mask?" 297 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:39,425 I stepped back and put my underwear on my fucking face. 298 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,094 I'm like--I said, "I be damned if I get shot 299 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:46,557 not having a mask on." [laughs] 300 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,225 And I walk in the store and they say, 301 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,727 "Sir, can you put that over your nose?" 302 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,272 I said, "Ma'am, if I put this shit over my nose, 303 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,608 you gonna have to call the ambulance. 304 00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:57,318 I got the balls on my face. 305 00:12:57,359 --> 00:12:59,737 I'll be damned if I put that shit stain on my nose. 306 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,740 [laughter] 307 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,992 [chuckles] 308 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:07,995 And I just can't believe people didn't caught on 309 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,955 to this mad shit so fast. 310 00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:11,332 This the same people that do some 311 00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:12,750 of the nastiest shit in the world. 312 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,585 Sit at home, eat a booty hole out. 313 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,086 [rolls tongue] 314 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,297 Then they done ate a coochie. [rolls tongue] 315 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,132 Had a dick squirt all in your face 316 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:23,135 and you like-- you wake up the next morning, 317 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,347 "I gotta go to the store. I gotta stay safe." 318 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,640 [laughter] 319 00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:30,810 Really? You're afraid of COVID-19 320 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:33,479 and you got COVID-44 last night. 321 00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:41,153 Right. 322 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,823 And my cousin, he--he a little bit bigger than me. 323 00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,116 He weigh about 540, right? He got in there, 324 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,535 have a mask on, but they don't make 325 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,329 Big & Tall masks, right? His mask just covers 326 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,122 his mouth right here. 327 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,958 He still eating under the mask. 328 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,668 He putting French fries, 329 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,461 hot dogs and shit under the mask. 330 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,796 He was eating a rib the other day. 331 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,131 Ate too fast, ate the fucking mask. 332 00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,717 "Y'all got another mask?" 333 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,511 "No, you don't need one. 334 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:09,014 COVID-19'll get lost in you. [laughs] 335 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,684 You gonna die from salad. Get the fuck outta here." 336 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,480 I don't--I don't like the mask 'cause it's a burden. 337 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,524 I see you ladies-- Some people looking at me mad 338 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,026 and be judging me. You know what I'm talking about? 339 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,528 "[groans] I can't believe--" 340 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,698 Shut your ass up. I can say the fuck I want. 341 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,992 We were just normal motherfuckers 342 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,660 picking shit off the ground. 343 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,370 You find a Cheeto between your seats, be like, 344 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:34,081 "God made dirt, dirt don't hurt." 345 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,375 Then all of a sudden we done became germophobes. 346 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,878 [moaning] 347 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:41,505 Shut up. Get the fuck outta here. 348 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,382 -[woman] Yes, man. -Ugly people kissing babies 349 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,884 and shit. Didn't know--Don't even know 350 00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,719 where they lips been, but all of a sudden-- 351 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,013 I seen people kissing dogs! 352 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,890 You know, I was on a fucking plane with a fucking dog 353 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,725 sitting right next to me. I was like, 354 00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,394 "Excuse me, stewardess... 355 00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:58,397 this dog don't have a fucking mask on. 356 00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,857 [laughter] 357 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,693 I don't feel safe." 358 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,945 The dog looking at me like, "Ugh, here we go 359 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,238 with this bullshit." 360 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,033 [laughter] 361 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,076 [laughs] 362 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,746 They don't make kids wear masks and they some of 363 00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,414 the dirtiest motherfuckers in the world. 364 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,291 Little motherfuckers sneeze... [sneezes] 365 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,376 Snot all over the place. I said, 366 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,587 "That COVID-19 right there. 367 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:25,257 Get out of here, little Johnny." 368 00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,636 And I ain't trying--I ain't trying to lead nobody astray. 369 00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:31,096 Don't get me wrong. I'm not up here preaching. 370 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,890 I just think that, you know, we got-- 371 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,768 we should question a few things like Dr. Fauci. 372 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,436 I don't even know who the fuck he is. 373 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,439 He looks like COVID-19. I don't trust that motherfucker. 374 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,942 He done had it for years. He's still around. 375 00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,944 It ain't--It must not be that damn bad 376 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,780 'cause the most hated president in the world had it 377 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,949 and he had it for three days. 378 00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,117 [laughs] And he was right back up. 379 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,953 You know, I was like-- I was like, 380 00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:56,789 "What kind of COVID he have? He must've had COVID-16." 381 00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,832 You know? Talking about, "I had it. 382 00:15:58,874 --> 00:16:00,417 I had it. Let me tell you, I had it. 383 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,920 All right, I had it. I wish that, uh, Melania 384 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,797 help me. Uh... 385 00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,341 But the next day I felt better than I ever did before. 386 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:11,261 I was like, 'Man, maybe my blood is the vaccine.'" 387 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:14,765 [laughter] 388 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,351 I knew he wasn't gonna win 'cause his running mate 389 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,437 is the walking dead. Anytime you sit up there 390 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,648 and got a fly on top of your head... 391 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,150 and you don't swat that shit one time, 392 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,652 you ain't alive, motherfucker. 393 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,195 Come on! 394 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,947 The fly was just sitting up there like this... 395 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,866 Just like, "Hm hmm hmm. 396 00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:36,286 What you mean I'm on a head?" You know? 397 00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:39,790 It's like, you know, they keep calling it a "pandemic." 398 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,667 That's what bothers me. "A pandemic." 399 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:43,627 I think these motherfuckers just be making shit up 400 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,671 'cause it ain't a pandemic. You know why? 401 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,464 You know why it's not a pandemic? 402 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:48,674 I seen the movie. 403 00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,509 I saw the fucking movie, all right? 404 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,177 When they show the movie they got dead bodies 405 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,179 hanging outside of abandoned cars. 406 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,682 A crow eating a fucking dead eye out. 407 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:59,184 Motherfucking zombie going, [groans]. 408 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,854 That's a fucking pandemic. This is not a pandemic. 409 00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:03,355 This is a "massdemic." You know why 410 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,898 this ain't a pandemic? You know why? 411 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,526 Bill collectors keep calling my fucking house. 412 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:10,195 How the fuck y'all still alive? 413 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,322 Ain't nobody sneezed on a keyboard 414 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,991 at the electric company? 415 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:17,911 Ain't nobody coughed on a monitor at the gas company? 416 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:19,747 Lady from the car note place called me. 417 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,249 "Mr. Crawford, you're two months behind on your car note." 418 00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,252 I said, "COVID-19." 419 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,046 [laughter] 420 00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:31,842 She said, "Oh, my God. You have it?" 421 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:35,012 I said, "No, my bank account got it. 422 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:39,016 It has no taste, no smell. 423 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:44,438 It has no funds, either. 424 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,899 We have it on a respirator right now 425 00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:50,110 and we're taking it day by day." 426 00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:55,240 They be threatening to turn shit off at my house. 427 00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:57,409 "Mr. Crawford, you're late on your payment again. 428 00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,411 We're gonna cut your electricity off." 429 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,122 I said, "[voice wavering] Cut it out. Cut it off. 430 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,917 You're willing to cut my electricity off... 431 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:09,088 [gasps] during a pandemic? 432 00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:12,049 My children don't have nothing right now. 433 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,718 [gasps] We don't have no food. 434 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,054 We ain't got no lights in here. [gasps] 435 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,932 We gotta wear masks everywhere. 436 00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:22,476 Cut it off, motherfucker! 437 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,645 You gonna cut it off in a pandemic 438 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:29,149 I hope God forgive your soul." 439 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:32,277 He goes, "Oh, my God, calm down, sir. 440 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:33,904 Anybody in your house have COVID-19?" 441 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,073 "No, we do not, but... 442 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,076 we suffering from it." 443 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,953 "Okay, Mr. Crawford, we'll give you an extension. 444 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,622 We'll give you six months." "Six months? 445 00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,958 That's all you're willing to give me during a pandemic? 446 00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,460 Who knows how long this is gonna go. 447 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:51,130 They told us three months then they told us three weeks. 448 00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:54,258 You're only gonna give me six--" "Mr. Crawford, calm down. 449 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:58,971 We'll give you a year." "If that's what you wanna do." 450 00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,973 [laughter] 451 00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,433 That shit work like a motherfucker. 452 00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:05,978 It work all day. They about to cut my cable off. 453 00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:08,981 "Cut it off! 454 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:13,152 You gonna cut my cable off in the middle of a pandemic? 455 00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:15,612 [gasps] Cut it off! 456 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:18,490 My children ain't gonna be able to watch SpongeBob. 457 00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,201 They won't be able to enjoy Internet or nothing 458 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,829 'cause you wanna cut our cable off... 459 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:26,498 during a pandemic? 460 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:29,501 Oh, my Lord, what else they gonna take from us?" 461 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:32,296 "Mr. Crawford, calm down. We'll give you six months." 462 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:35,007 "Six months? 463 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:37,217 The electric company gave me a year." 464 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:40,220 [laughter] 465 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,474 "Okay, we'll give you a year, too." 466 00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:47,186 "Just a year?" 467 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:50,147 "Okay, we'll match them and give you a year and a half." 468 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,858 "If that's what you wanna do." 469 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,903 That shit on every-- every bill company. 470 00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:57,571 It don't work on my wife, though. 471 00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,240 I--We were locked down. I was trying to talk her 472 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,534 into something bad. I said, "When you gonna give me 473 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,037 one of them blowjobs? [mumbles] 474 00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:07,039 Put it in your mouth." 475 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,209 "I ain't sucking your nasty ass dick." 476 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,503 I said, "Really? 477 00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,714 [voice waivers] You don't wanna suck my dick 478 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,550 and we in the middle of a pandemic? 479 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,219 [laughter] 480 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:23,722 I can't--I can't believe you would turn me down. 481 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,391 We don't have nothing else." 482 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,769 "Yeah, all right, motherfucker, I'll suck your dick 483 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,854 'cause I'm going through the same thing. 484 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,731 I'm going through the pandemic, too. 485 00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,942 Since I'm sucking your dick, you gonna eat my booty hole." 486 00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:38,362 I said, "[clears throat] Let's calm down. 487 00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,739 [laughter] 488 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:43,242 Let's calm down. 489 00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:46,620 We gotta stay safe. 490 00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:50,207 We don't know how this is 'contracted.' 491 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,750 [laughs] 492 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,544 Eating booty hole right now don't sound like 493 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,256 good judgment. 494 00:20:57,297 --> 00:21:00,092 I'ma put my mask on... 495 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,886 and I'm gonna give you six feets, please." 496 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:07,266 And then shit caught on fire. They talking about-- 497 00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:11,228 I knew it was bad when they shut down the NBA. 498 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,147 I was like, "No. No, not really." 499 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:16,108 LeBron'll make-- LeBron James makes 500 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,985 $100 million a year. 501 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,112 He can stop playing for 50 years, 502 00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,405 come back and still got 503 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,282 $200 million in the fucking bank. 504 00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:26,076 LeBron got so much money his hairline does what it want 505 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,786 to fucking do. 506 00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,663 For real. It'd be back here. 507 00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,957 Then it's up here. Then it's a bang. 508 00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:34,668 Then it'd be a curlicue and come down to be a mustache. 509 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,920 Then it's a goatee. [laughs] 510 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:39,965 Then his sideburn. Then it's a shag. 511 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:43,010 That's million-dollar hair right there. 512 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:45,304 Shit. I don't got that kind of money hair. 513 00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:47,639 My hair won't even grow up here. It's like a-- 514 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:50,183 like it's a No Trespassing sign up here. 515 00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:52,311 It grow on the sides. On my eyebrows. 516 00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:54,104 On my mouth, but it won't grow 517 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,149 on the fucking top of my head. I got hair in my asshole. 518 00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:59,651 I don't even know why. I mean... 519 00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:01,820 am I growing a tail? You know what I'm saying? 520 00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:04,656 I'm about to call one of them hair transplant places 521 00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,366 like Bosley Medical or something. 522 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:09,619 I said, "Can you transfer this out of my ass to my scalp?" 523 00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:11,538 I'd be walking around brushing that shit 524 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:14,291 and be like, "Man, it stink like ass around here." 525 00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,834 "I don't know what you talking about, 526 00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:19,338 but these waves are the shit. [laughs] 527 00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:21,840 I'm about to get me a doo-doo rag." 528 00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:24,843 [laughter] 529 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:29,556 [laughs] 530 00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,183 Shit. 531 00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:33,518 They didn't--That didn't make me think it was bad 532 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,520 when I was--they ended up cutting down the NBA. 533 00:22:35,562 --> 00:22:37,898 What made me thought it was serious when I looked outside 534 00:22:37,939 --> 00:22:40,359 and seen this homeless man with a mask on. 535 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,527 I was like, "Wait a minute. 536 00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:45,030 What does Pissy Joe know? Shit. 537 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:48,200 He was just eating out of that Dumpster yesterday. 538 00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:51,161 Now he got a mask on. What has he heard?" 539 00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:55,248 I mean, they--they think we-- You know, they think 540 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,042 this shit's smart, though. 541 00:22:57,084 --> 00:23:00,337 They got curfews in some cities. I was in Nashville I think. 542 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:04,383 They had a ten o'clock curfew. Like, COVID-19's smart as shit. 543 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:07,094 Like, you out at 10:05, "Bitch, what you doing 544 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:10,889 out at 10:05? You done fucked up. 545 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:14,267 I'm about to--I'm about to get all in your lungs. 546 00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,728 You know who I am?" 547 00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,772 [laughs] 548 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:20,440 I be seeing people at restaurants 549 00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:22,234 they'll eat and put they mask back on. 550 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:23,860 Like COVID-19 playing Double Dutch. 551 00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:25,445 "Ohhh! 552 00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:27,781 Oh, bitch, you done-- Ohh! 553 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:31,243 Ooh oh! I was almost up there!" 554 00:23:31,284 --> 00:23:35,080 [laughter] 555 00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:37,207 [laughs] 556 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,459 But, see, you know people-- people get scared 557 00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,461 about that shit there. But I didn't trust it 558 00:23:41,503 --> 00:23:43,088 when they closed down the churches. 559 00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:44,965 That was some bullshit 'cause I believe in God. 560 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:47,384 I cuss and talk a lot of shit, but I believe in God. 561 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,553 It ain't nothing but God that let y'all came-- 562 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:51,763 come down here to the comedy club 563 00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:53,223 -and watch me tape this show. -[cheers and applause] 564 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:55,600 I don't care if you believe it or not. 565 00:23:55,642 --> 00:23:58,437 God is good, man, you know? 566 00:23:58,478 --> 00:24:00,397 I mean, we need preachers up in here saying, 567 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:03,900 "In the name of Jesus. He was born in a manger. 568 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:06,820 His mother was a virgin. He came down for our sins. 569 00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:08,613 He came down-- [mumbles] 570 00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:11,116 He came down to save our souls. 571 00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:14,286 He came down for our sentence. He came down for our burden. 572 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:17,289 He walked on water. I said he walked on water 573 00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:20,000 He walked on water. Man said he was blind. 574 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:21,460 He said--Jesus said, 'You ain't blind. 575 00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,170 Put this thing on your face. Peek-a-boo. 576 00:24:23,211 --> 00:24:24,504 You can see me? I can see you.' 577 00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:26,298 [laughs] 578 00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:27,966 'Jesus, I can't walk.' 'Get your ass up 579 00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,468 and get off that bed. 580 00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:31,636 Carry your bed on home.' He walked on home. 581 00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:33,472 They said, 'Jesus, Lazarus is dead.' 582 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,098 'No, he ain't. Get your ass outta that grave, 583 00:24:35,140 --> 00:24:36,475 Lazarus. You ain't dead. 584 00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,810 Get your punk ass up right now.' [laughs] 585 00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:40,812 'Jesus, we hungry.' 'I got two pieces of fish 586 00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,023 and five loaves of bread.' 'Give me some Miracle Whip. 587 00:24:43,064 --> 00:24:45,358 That's right, give me some Miracle Whip. 588 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,818 I'm gonna make tuna fish salad.' 589 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,320 Ha 590 00:24:48,361 --> 00:24:50,780 He hung from the cross... 591 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,158 and three days later He rose from the grave. 592 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,660 I said three days later-- One, two, three. 593 00:24:55,702 --> 00:24:58,163 Three days later... He rose from the grave 594 00:24:58,205 --> 00:24:59,706 'cause death don't have no power. 595 00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:01,333 Death don't have no steam. 596 00:25:01,374 --> 00:25:03,502 Death can't hold me in the ground!" 597 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:06,505 "What about COVID-19?" "Shut the doors! 598 00:25:06,546 --> 00:25:09,508 We going Livestream. Shut the doors right now. 599 00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:12,802 We--God tired. He done done enough for y'all." 600 00:25:12,844 --> 00:25:15,347 [laughter] 601 00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:17,349 People get mad I joke about it. 602 00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:19,309 I'm a comedian. I'm gonna joke about this shit 603 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,853 'cause some of the shit's funny and I don't give a fuck. 604 00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:23,480 "People dying." 605 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,524 "They been dying for motherfucking many, 606 00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:27,192 many motherfucking years. 607 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:29,069 This ain't the first fucking time 608 00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:31,029 we done died, motherfucker." 609 00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:33,323 But now they keeping count? For real? 610 00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:36,493 You know, they died 2017, 18, 19 611 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:39,329 more than fucking 209 they died. 612 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:40,747 Motherfucker would die all the time. 613 00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,040 They ain't never keep fucking count. 614 00:25:42,082 --> 00:25:44,668 All of a sudden, "We're dying." 615 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,378 You ain't gonna live that damn long anyway. 616 00:25:46,419 --> 00:25:48,672 You gonna live long the fuck enough and that's it. 617 00:25:48,713 --> 00:25:50,382 You ain't gonna live fucking forever. 618 00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:53,385 I don't wanna live past 80-85 my damn self. 619 00:25:53,426 --> 00:25:56,596 I don't wanna be too old where I don't even know I'm alive. 620 00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:58,932 You ever seen them people? They so old they chewing 621 00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:00,725 and they ain't even got nothing in they mouth. 622 00:26:00,767 --> 00:26:02,227 [mumbles] 623 00:26:02,269 --> 00:26:05,230 [laughter] 624 00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:12,237 "You--You hungry, Papa?" "Nah, nah. 625 00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:14,114 I-I--" 626 00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:17,117 [laughter] 627 00:26:17,158 --> 00:26:19,286 [laughs] 628 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:22,455 You know, that one motherfucker be shaking-- 629 00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:24,791 Like, you ask him a bunch of questions 630 00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:26,918 he don't agree with. That... 631 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,212 [laughter] 632 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:31,715 "What you--Why-- What you shake your head?" 633 00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:33,258 "[groans]" "You agree with me?" 634 00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:34,551 "[groans] I agree." 635 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:36,553 "Why you keep shaking your head nah?" 636 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,722 "[groans] What you talking about?" 637 00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:43,435 And some of them people be too independent. 638 00:26:43,476 --> 00:26:45,604 They be getting on my nerves. I was at Golden Corral. 639 00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:48,773 This old lady had that palsy hand shaking everywhere. 640 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:52,319 She's shaking corn and mac 'n' cheese on everything. 641 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,321 It was all in the fudge and shit. 642 00:26:54,362 --> 00:26:56,114 I was like, "Mrs. Brown, let somebody 643 00:26:56,156 --> 00:26:59,284 get that shit for you." "I got it! 644 00:26:59,326 --> 00:27:01,620 I got it!" 645 00:27:01,661 --> 00:27:03,455 Just shaking it. 646 00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,749 [laughter] 647 00:27:05,790 --> 00:27:07,626 And she had a dog, too. He shaking, too. 648 00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,336 They both... 649 00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:13,298 Like they in they own private earthquake. 650 00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:16,343 Shit, it scaring me, though. 651 00:27:16,384 --> 00:27:18,762 I ain't know. I'm glad to be doing comedy 652 00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:21,806 anywhere, man, 'cause I ain't have shit to fall back on. 653 00:27:21,848 --> 00:27:25,268 When they shut down everything, I-I went to college 654 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,812 to drop my cousin off. I didn't have no-- 655 00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:29,939 I had no money. I ain't have nothing 656 00:27:29,981 --> 00:27:31,983 to fall back on. I got nervous. 657 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,319 I mean, and the toilet paper shortage? 658 00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:36,029 That shit scared the hell outta me. 659 00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,448 You know, I had-- I had to hold my shit, 660 00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:41,117 you know what I'm saying? 'Cause we use the bathroom good. 661 00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,036 You know, we use it-- We lived a nice life. 662 00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,830 We had good toilet paper. We had that Angel Soft. 663 00:27:45,872 --> 00:27:48,041 The four-ply with the angel laying on it. 664 00:27:48,083 --> 00:27:49,501 I used to just ball it up and hit my ass 665 00:27:49,542 --> 00:27:51,211 and drop it in the water. 666 00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:53,380 Just ball it up and hit the ass and drop it in the water. 667 00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:55,840 It was--It sucked all the water out the toilet 668 00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:57,717 I had so much toilet paper in that water. 669 00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:00,220 But when times got hard during that pandemic, 670 00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:03,723 shit...we moved from Angel Soft down to Scott. 671 00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:05,350 [laughter] 672 00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:07,686 Scott is one ply, you know what I'm saying? 673 00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:10,188 But it got wood chips in it. 674 00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:12,857 You can't wipe all willy nilly with Scott. 675 00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:14,526 You gotta take your time. Like-- 676 00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:16,861 Like, "Ah! 677 00:28:16,903 --> 00:28:19,572 Ow! 678 00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:21,574 Oww!" 679 00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:24,077 Trying not to get no splinters in my booty hole, 680 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,079 you understand? 681 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,419 And then my wife only allowed me three--three sheets a day. 682 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:35,046 So I had to get creative. I had to learn origami 683 00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:37,841 so I could be able to get-- [laughs] 684 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:42,262 I turned it into a swan and then into a table football 685 00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:44,180 so I could get the crack. Fap! 686 00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:49,060 I didn't eat finger food for a while. 687 00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:51,104 I wasn't--I wasn't licking nothing off my finger. 688 00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:53,606 "Eh! No." 689 00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:56,401 Toilet paper shortage. Can't do that. 690 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,949 [laughs] 691 00:29:02,991 --> 00:29:05,410 It got ne--It got nervous around the house. 692 00:29:05,452 --> 00:29:07,537 Man, wasn't no money coming in. 693 00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,914 I was getting scared, man. We was down to our last 694 00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:11,875 two rolls of Scott, 695 00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:13,752 two packs of Top Ramen noodles, 696 00:29:13,793 --> 00:29:16,629 we had Creamy Chicken and motherfucker... 697 00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:18,590 beef and shit and we got nervous. 698 00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:21,426 I was like, "All right, it's getting crazy around here." 699 00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:22,927 You know, I had to call a family meeting. 700 00:29:22,969 --> 00:29:25,597 "Family meeting. Family meeting!" 701 00:29:25,638 --> 00:29:27,474 They be like, "What's wrong, Daddy? What's wrong?" 702 00:29:27,515 --> 00:29:29,476 "Well, we ain't got no money coming in. 703 00:29:29,517 --> 00:29:31,436 We down to our last two rolls of Scott. 704 00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:33,438 I don't know what we gonna do." 705 00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:34,898 "What you think we should do, Daddy?" 706 00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:38,735 I said, "Well... I done came to the conclusion... 707 00:29:38,777 --> 00:29:41,279 somebody might have to sell some ass around here." 708 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:44,324 [laughter] 709 00:29:44,365 --> 00:29:46,826 My wife said, "Get your ass out there then." 710 00:29:46,868 --> 00:29:50,121 I--I said, "I'm going. I'm going. 711 00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:54,793 I wonder how much money I can get for this man pussy out here. 712 00:29:54,834 --> 00:29:57,754 I done lost a little weight... [laughs] 713 00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:00,423 maybe somebody want it." 714 00:30:02,050 --> 00:30:04,260 This shit got hard on me, though, man. 715 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:07,180 Before this shit hit, I was the Lavell Crawford, 716 00:30:07,222 --> 00:30:08,431 you understand me? 717 00:30:08,473 --> 00:30:11,017 The Lavell Crawford. 718 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,520 See, y'all don't understand. "Who are you?" 719 00:30:13,561 --> 00:30:16,314 "I'm the Lavell motherfucking Crawford!" 720 00:30:16,356 --> 00:30:20,026 I was BET, Last Comic Standing, Breaking Bad, 721 00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:21,778 TV shows out the yin yang. 722 00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:23,947 I was on a 30-city tour with Mike Epps. 723 00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:27,158 -[man shouts indistinctly] -[cheers and applause] 724 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,619 I appreciate the claps 725 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:31,287 and I appreciate you not clapping, sir. 726 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:32,831 Thank you very much. You're like, 727 00:30:32,872 --> 00:30:35,333 "I still don't know who the fuck you are." 728 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:38,127 [laughs] He's like, "Oh, really? 729 00:30:38,169 --> 00:30:40,839 You've done a lot of things." But, no... 730 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,716 Yes, yes, I was the fucking Lavell Crawford, 731 00:30:43,758 --> 00:30:45,510 but this pandemic hit... 732 00:30:45,552 --> 00:30:47,846 I used to walk around my house talking shit. 733 00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:49,681 I did. You know, I'd walk around 734 00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:51,307 the house, "You know why these lights are on in the house? 735 00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:52,976 Huh? You know why these lights are on in the house? 736 00:30:53,017 --> 00:30:54,561 Anybody know? 737 00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:57,063 These jokes keep these goddamn lights on in the house! 738 00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:59,023 Anybody else can tell a fucking joke and put some lights 739 00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:00,692 on in the house? Anybody? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? 740 00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:03,361 Anybody? Anybody tell some jokes 741 00:31:03,403 --> 00:31:04,696 to keep the lights on in the house? Huh? 742 00:31:04,737 --> 00:31:06,906 Nobody? No? 743 00:31:06,948 --> 00:31:08,658 I know you don't! 744 00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:10,535 You know why there's food in that refrigerator? 745 00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:13,037 Hm? You know why there's food in that fucking refrigerator? 746 00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:15,039 Hmm? These jokes keep that food 747 00:31:15,081 --> 00:31:17,000 in the refrigerator! Anybody can tell some jokes 748 00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:18,418 and keep the fucking food in the refrigerator? 749 00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:21,045 Hmm? Huh? Huh? 750 00:31:21,087 --> 00:31:24,257 I'm the big dog around here. [barks]" 751 00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:27,218 That pandemic hit, I went from big dog... 752 00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,888 [laughs] to puppy dog real quick. 753 00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:32,724 I went from the Lavell Crawford to Vell like a motherfucker. 754 00:31:32,765 --> 00:31:34,183 I walk around the house humble as hell like... 755 00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,229 They be like, "What's up, big dog?" 756 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,690 "No, not right now. Nah, nah. 757 00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:43,192 No, I ain't big dog right now. I'm more like kitty cat. 758 00:31:43,234 --> 00:31:45,403 I ain't no--" [laughs] 759 00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:47,447 And I was being real nice. I was talking to my wife. 760 00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:49,908 I was like, "Hey, boo, you think I can get 761 00:31:49,949 --> 00:31:51,618 a little of that orange juice?" 762 00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:53,244 She's talking to me like I'm one of the kids. 763 00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:55,580 "Didn't your ass just have some orange juice 764 00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,583 earlier like everybody else? 765 00:31:58,625 --> 00:32:00,752 Get some water, motherfucker, 766 00:32:00,793 --> 00:32:04,547 'cause your jokes didn't pay for this damn orange juice. 767 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,883 But can your jokes take the trash out? 768 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,801 Huh? Can your jokes take the trash out? 769 00:32:08,843 --> 00:32:11,262 Huh? Can your jokes cut the grass? Huh?" 770 00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:13,765 I was crying like a son of a bitch. 771 00:32:13,806 --> 00:32:18,603 "[crying] Why you have forsaken me, Lord? 772 00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:21,147 I used to be The Lavell Crawford. 773 00:32:21,189 --> 00:32:23,733 I done fell off so fast. 774 00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:27,612 I didn't even go through the stages of drug abuse, alcohol. 775 00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:29,989 I ain't get a documentary. Hell, I ain't even get 776 00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:33,910 a Unsung on TV One, y'all. 777 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,788 Why you do me like this, Jesus?" 778 00:32:36,829 --> 00:32:38,915 And then my mama called. "You need to call 779 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:42,460 the Unemployment Office and get your unemployment." 780 00:32:42,502 --> 00:32:46,130 I said, "Ah, Lord, I went from 30-city tour 781 00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:48,591 to now I'm calling the Unemployment Office." 782 00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:50,969 My mama, "Stop. Stop all that bullshit crying. 783 00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:53,972 Shit, I-I called them. I got six months back stimulus 784 00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,473 plus my unemployment. 785 00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:57,141 I'm getting $2,200 every other week." 786 00:32:57,183 --> 00:32:59,811 I said, "Shit, what's that number again?" 787 00:32:59,852 --> 00:33:03,481 I ain't even say, "Hold on." I just clicked the fuck over. 788 00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,858 [laughter] 789 00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,819 A little Black girl answered the phone. 790 00:33:07,860 --> 00:33:10,279 "Yes, yes, this is Lakeisha at the Unemployment Office. 791 00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:12,365 How can I help you?" I said, "Hi, Lakeisha. 792 00:33:12,407 --> 00:33:14,283 I heard you're giving people back stimulus money 793 00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:15,702 plus their unemployment?" "That's correct, sir. 794 00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,120 We're really helping people out." 795 00:33:17,161 --> 00:33:18,997 "I'd like to help myself out, too. 796 00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:21,666 Can I get my money, too?" "Sir, let's get you a file. 797 00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,167 Your name in the files and get you going. 798 00:33:23,209 --> 00:33:26,462 What's your name, sir?" I went, "[clears throat] 799 00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:28,006 [laughter] 800 00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:29,507 Lavell Crawford." She's like, 801 00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:31,050 "The Lavell Crawford?" 802 00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:33,219 I just hung up the fucking phone. 803 00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,179 I said, "This heffer's about to set me up. 804 00:33:35,221 --> 00:33:37,849 She gonna have me on Instagram Live and... 805 00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:40,351 [laughs] TMZ. 806 00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:44,355 "Guess who just filed for his unemployment? 807 00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:46,899 The Lavell Crawford. That's right. 808 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:49,861 The Lavell..." 809 00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:53,865 When my cousin who ain't worked in 30 years 810 00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:56,576 said he was getting $3,500 I called Lakeisha 811 00:33:56,617 --> 00:33:58,369 right the fuck back. 812 00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:00,872 I was like, "Hi, Lakeisha, you know who the fuck this is. 813 00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:02,874 Yes, this is The Lavell Crawford. 814 00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:04,208 Could you put my name in them files 815 00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:07,045 so I can get my $3,500 right now?" 816 00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:09,255 My shit's still pending. 817 00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:13,217 [laughter] 818 00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:15,511 I ain't got my shit yet. 819 00:34:15,553 --> 00:34:17,221 [laughs] 820 00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:19,724 But, I mean, you know, that's one thing 821 00:34:19,766 --> 00:34:21,893 I gotta salute my wife. She--She got me 822 00:34:21,934 --> 00:34:24,103 through this shit, man. She got my-- 823 00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:25,897 That's why I love-- I love Black love. 824 00:34:25,938 --> 00:34:27,732 I love it. I love it! 825 00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:29,525 I love white love, too. You got it. 826 00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,736 -[cheers and applause] -I love it. 827 00:34:31,778 --> 00:34:33,571 For real. My wife been there, man. 828 00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:35,573 I mean, shit, she-- she been-- 829 00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:39,368 I got my wife, you know, I was weighing 550 pounds. 830 00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:41,245 I don't even know why she was with me. 831 00:34:41,287 --> 00:34:44,916 I-I'm glad she never woke up, you know what I'm saying? 832 00:34:44,957 --> 00:34:47,126 For real. I mean, and people only wanna 833 00:34:47,168 --> 00:34:49,087 try to get you with smaller people, you know? 834 00:34:49,128 --> 00:34:50,421 Bigger people-- when you a big person, 835 00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:51,756 "You need to get a girl your size." 836 00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:53,800 I don't got no problem with big women. 837 00:34:53,841 --> 00:34:57,136 I think I love you, but, damnit, I can't be with you. 838 00:34:57,178 --> 00:34:58,930 "Are we gonna do it? All right. Why you sweating?" 839 00:34:58,971 --> 00:35:01,265 "Why you sweating?" 840 00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,268 "You eat my chicken? Did you eat my damn chicken?" 841 00:35:04,310 --> 00:35:05,937 "We can't do nothing freaking then. 842 00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:08,439 Move your titties to the left." "Move yours to the right!" 843 00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:12,276 "Hold your stomach up." "Hold your stomach up." 844 00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:14,821 Try to go down on her. I can't even find it. 845 00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:16,614 I'm down there... [laughs] 846 00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,158 her thigh wet as hell. I'm like, "You know what? 847 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:23,079 Let's just put our clothes on and go to Golden Corral." 848 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,748 [laughter] 849 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:27,625 It was so hot down there, felt like I had 850 00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:30,461 a hoodie sweater on. 851 00:35:30,503 --> 00:35:33,297 [laughs] 852 00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:35,758 My wife been with me through the thick and thin. 853 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,301 I'm telling. She--She's been-- 854 00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:39,512 When I mean the thick, I mean the real thick. 855 00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,973 She's so beautiful. She used to find my dick 856 00:35:42,014 --> 00:35:44,142 for both of us, you know what I'm saying? 857 00:35:44,183 --> 00:35:46,435 Love. Now go, "Hold your stomach up 858 00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:49,480 and don't let it down till I get outta there." 859 00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:53,484 [laughter] 860 00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,487 I'm like, "Okay!" She like she down there 861 00:35:56,529 --> 00:35:59,031 working on the Chevy truck. 862 00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:01,492 I'm like, "You find it?" 863 00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:04,620 "Yeah, I found it, but he's very scared now." 864 00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:09,208 And she--And she was brave. She let me get on top 865 00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:12,295 every once in a while. I be on top for a minute. 866 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,005 My arms start shaking. She said, "Uh-uh. 867 00:36:14,046 --> 00:36:16,549 -Lay on your back. -[laughter] 868 00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,342 Lay on your back. You getting tired. 869 00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:20,553 Uh-uh. You getting tired. 870 00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:24,390 Last time you collapsed on me, I missed a week of work. 871 00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:27,393 [laughter] 872 00:36:30,897 --> 00:36:33,024 I love her to death, man. I'd kill-- 873 00:36:33,065 --> 00:36:34,859 I'd kill her dead if she ever left me. 874 00:36:34,901 --> 00:36:36,360 "You ain't going nowhere, woman. 875 00:36:36,402 --> 00:36:39,155 That--You my boo." I love--That's real love 876 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:41,199 when you trying to kill your-- "I'd kill you dead 877 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:42,992 if you ever left me." 878 00:36:43,034 --> 00:36:45,203 I mean, I ain't gonna-- I ain't getting nobody else. 879 00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:47,163 That's real love right there. 880 00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:49,332 How many men would kill they woman if they left? 881 00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:50,541 [single cheer] 882 00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:52,543 One crazy man back there. 883 00:36:52,585 --> 00:36:55,087 You blessed, sir. You blessed. 884 00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:58,341 Women like a crazy man. If your man won't willing 885 00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:00,885 to kill ya-- I ain't saying kill you for real, 886 00:37:00,927 --> 00:37:04,180 but... if shit got real deep... 887 00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:07,058 he'd fuck your ass up, you know what I'm saying? 888 00:37:07,099 --> 00:37:08,768 And women like crazy men. 889 00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:10,394 Like crazy men like crazy women. 890 00:37:10,436 --> 00:37:11,896 They do. Dude'll be-- 891 00:37:11,938 --> 00:37:13,731 A crazy woman, they got some good booty. 892 00:37:13,773 --> 00:37:16,025 That's what it is. They ain't going nowhere. 893 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:18,402 Dude be like, "This crazy ass heffer going through my email. 894 00:37:18,444 --> 00:37:21,030 She's inboxing heffers that I don't know. 895 00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:22,531 She all going through my text messages. 896 00:37:22,573 --> 00:37:23,741 She's crazy as shit. 897 00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:25,534 She be watching me while I sleep. 898 00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:26,911 I'm sick of her ass." I'd say, "Well, leave her. 899 00:37:26,953 --> 00:37:29,247 Leave her then!" He be like, "Eh...nah. 900 00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:32,458 I ain't gonna leave." 901 00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:34,919 [laughs] 902 00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:38,297 And women like crazy dudes. They like 'em crazy. 903 00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:40,758 He be watching your ass while you sleep. 904 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:42,426 Be driving down the highway at high speeds 905 00:37:42,468 --> 00:37:45,429 just staring at you. Ain't even looking at the road. 906 00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,473 You be like, "You need to watch the road. 907 00:37:47,515 --> 00:37:50,601 You act so stupid all the time." 908 00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:52,895 You know you crazy and you leave him. 909 00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:54,438 You sneak off to your mama's house. 910 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,107 He pull up in front of your mama house 911 00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:57,775 at three o'clock in the morning. Honking the horn. 912 00:37:57,817 --> 00:37:59,819 [honks] 913 00:37:59,860 --> 00:38:03,281 Your mama comes to the door. "She don't wanna talk to you!" 914 00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:05,783 "This ain't between me and you, Mrs. Brown. 915 00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:08,452 Let her come to the door and I'll put the gas can 916 00:38:08,494 --> 00:38:10,621 back in the trunk. 917 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,665 But if she don't come to the door, 918 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:15,960 I'ma burn both you hoes up right now." 919 00:38:16,002 --> 00:38:17,795 Her mama be like, "Girl, go out there 920 00:38:17,837 --> 00:38:20,631 and get yo husband. 921 00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:23,301 If yo daddy would've did that-- if he would've threatened 922 00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:26,137 to kill me, I probably would've still been with him." 923 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,640 -[man] Oh, Lord. -Man... 924 00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,101 [laughs] 925 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,978 But there's been some crazy times. 926 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,272 That's why I'm glad I'm married. I got me a woman I-- 927 00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:38,316 That stayed. I ain't trying to be 928 00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:40,276 out in this world. This world got crazy. 929 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,153 Shit, I live in Houston, Texas. 930 00:38:42,194 --> 00:38:46,490 We fucking had a snow storm. I legitimately think the Lord 931 00:38:46,532 --> 00:38:48,034 is on His way back. 932 00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:50,661 I just wanna be outside with my suitcase 933 00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:53,331 'cause He coming back. It snowed in Houston, Texas. 934 00:38:53,372 --> 00:38:55,458 Now, if you've ever been to Houston, Texas, 935 00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:57,376 it's like Tempe, you know? 936 00:38:57,418 --> 00:38:59,670 Tempe get around-- I think the lowest y'all get 937 00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:01,672 about 45. That's like Houston. 938 00:39:01,714 --> 00:39:03,841 Houston don't get around about 45, 50, 939 00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:07,845 but it get about 300 and 99 degrees 940 00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:11,474 all summer long. Even at fucking night. 941 00:39:11,515 --> 00:39:14,185 It gets so hot my air conditioner be crying. 942 00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:17,355 [groaning] 943 00:39:17,396 --> 00:39:20,816 [sobbing] 944 00:39:20,858 --> 00:39:22,151 [wailing] 945 00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:26,197 What the fuck is wrong with that shit? 946 00:39:26,238 --> 00:39:30,368 So, when we had fucking sleet and snow... 947 00:39:30,409 --> 00:39:31,869 fucking come down, 948 00:39:31,911 --> 00:39:33,913 it shut down the whole fucking city. 949 00:39:33,954 --> 00:39:36,374 Our electricity went off and everything. 950 00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:40,044 And I was just thankful I was in a better neighborhood 951 00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,421 where I had, you know, I had a couple white folks 952 00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:44,382 that could help me out. 'Cause white folks-- 953 00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,092 -[laughter] -I love my Black people. 954 00:39:46,133 --> 00:39:48,427 Don't get me wrong, but we are not good 955 00:39:48,469 --> 00:39:50,930 in apocalyptic situations. 956 00:39:50,971 --> 00:39:53,891 For real. I'm sorry, Black folk. 957 00:39:53,933 --> 00:39:55,393 You can get offended if you want to. 958 00:39:55,434 --> 00:39:57,228 I don't give a fuck, but you know 959 00:39:57,269 --> 00:39:59,730 you ain't ready for a zombie crisis. 960 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,608 You ain't ready for electricity going the fuck out. 961 00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:04,777 If the electricity go out at Black people's house, 962 00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,238 we look at the bill. That's what we be like. 963 00:40:07,279 --> 00:40:09,448 "I don't know what is going on. 964 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:11,867 Call the company 'cause I paid that shit. 965 00:40:11,909 --> 00:40:14,412 I know I paid it." 966 00:40:14,453 --> 00:40:17,289 "The whole street lights out." "That's they business. 967 00:40:17,331 --> 00:40:19,875 I wanna make sure our shit ain't cut off." 968 00:40:21,794 --> 00:40:23,421 White folks know how to handle theyselves during 969 00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,089 this fucked up shit. Black folk be like, "Man..." 970 00:40:25,131 --> 00:40:28,426 I had some Black friends die during the blackout 971 00:40:28,467 --> 00:40:30,761 Niggas didn't have no heat gonna bring the grill 972 00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:33,264 in the house. 973 00:40:33,305 --> 00:40:35,808 Nigga slow-roasted to death sitting up in-- 974 00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:38,602 sitting up in Heaven smelling like brisket. 975 00:40:38,644 --> 00:40:41,772 [laughter] 976 00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:44,316 I just wanna know who was the genius that said, 977 00:40:44,358 --> 00:40:46,735 "Let's bring the grill in the house!" 978 00:40:46,777 --> 00:40:49,947 "Now you thinking." No, he ain't. 979 00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:52,575 I was hanging out with my white friends, 980 00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:54,160 he bought-- he bought a generator. 981 00:40:54,201 --> 00:40:55,453 I said, "Why you buying that generator?" 982 00:40:55,494 --> 00:40:58,164 He's like, "You never know." 983 00:40:58,205 --> 00:41:00,124 I said, "Bob, why you buying that shotgun?" 984 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:04,128 "You never know." [laughs] 985 00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:08,591 "Why you storm--putting storm windows up?" 986 00:41:08,632 --> 00:41:12,094 "You never fucking know." 987 00:41:12,136 --> 00:41:15,097 "Shit, why you got a Pitbull and an alligator?" 988 00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:18,142 "I don't know." You know? 989 00:41:19,518 --> 00:41:21,145 But I-I bought all that shit. 990 00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,314 I bought that generator. Didn't even know how to use it, 991 00:41:23,355 --> 00:41:25,274 but I was sitting up there mad as a motherfucker. 992 00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,318 I said, "Now how the fuck do you work this shit?" 993 00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:29,653 He had to come over, "Fuck, you gotta fucking put 994 00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:32,656 gas in it, you gotta turn the motherfucker on, 995 00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:34,450 and then you plug shit into it." 996 00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,827 Man, he put that motherfucking gas in there, 997 00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,788 we turned that bitch on, we started plugging everything. 998 00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:42,500 All the lights on in the house. We helped out a couple 999 00:41:42,541 --> 00:41:44,376 of niggas across the street. Like, "Let me get some 1000 00:41:44,418 --> 00:41:47,713 of that electricity, player. What's going on, dog?" 1001 00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:50,674 I'm selling electricity. I was the company then. 1002 00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:53,052 I called the electric company. Said, "Fuck you! 1003 00:41:53,093 --> 00:41:55,012 Turn my shit off, bitch! 1004 00:41:55,054 --> 00:41:57,806 I ain't never paying another fucking electric bill 1005 00:41:57,848 --> 00:41:59,558 in my fucking life. 1006 00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,143 I got a generator, bitch. 1007 00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:04,396 All I need is a half-a-tank of gas 1008 00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:07,233 and I can keep my lights on all goddamn day!" 1009 00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:10,236 [cheers and applause] 1010 00:42:12,029 --> 00:42:16,408 And we--we had gas. We thought the oven was off, 1011 00:42:16,450 --> 00:42:18,494 we found out you can light the burner. 1012 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,704 I was like, "Well, goddamn. 1013 00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:23,874 I don't need none of that shit no more." 1014 00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:25,709 I tell ya, I called the gas company I said, 1015 00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:27,378 "Don't turn that shit on no more. 1016 00:42:27,419 --> 00:42:29,004 We gonna keep the gas on, bitch. 1017 00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:30,381 Just keep it on. We're gonna run it the way 1018 00:42:30,422 --> 00:42:32,550 we fucking want to." Only problem we had 1019 00:42:32,591 --> 00:42:34,552 was the water. We--The water was hard 1020 00:42:34,593 --> 00:42:37,263 'cause we--you know, seems like we-- 1021 00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:39,348 when the water bad-- when the water ain't working, 1022 00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,225 see, that's when you gotta shit the most. 1023 00:42:41,267 --> 00:42:43,602 It's like, you know, my--there wasn't no water coming 1024 00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:45,604 in the toilet. My wife said, 1025 00:42:45,646 --> 00:42:48,732 "Get a bucket of water and hold the lever down 1026 00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:51,402 and just let it flush down." I was like, "All right." 1027 00:42:51,443 --> 00:42:53,571 I had took a monster shit and I said, 1028 00:42:53,612 --> 00:42:55,906 "That can't stay in there. 1029 00:42:55,948 --> 00:42:59,410 That's gonna be worse than the pandemic." 1030 00:42:59,451 --> 00:43:02,246 I took a bucket of water and I flushed that sucker down. 1031 00:43:02,288 --> 00:43:03,914 That water went, [rolls tongue]. 1032 00:43:03,956 --> 00:43:05,541 I don't know where it went, but there's always 1033 00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:08,544 that one, little turd that stay the fuck around. 1034 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,754 It's sitting around in the toilet. 1035 00:43:10,796 --> 00:43:12,298 I-- [laughs] 1036 00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:15,551 No matter how much water I put in that son of a bitch 1037 00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:17,553 it wouldn't go down. 1038 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,598 [laughter] 1039 00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:23,309 But--But-- 1040 00:43:23,350 --> 00:43:25,269 But the beautiful thing is we made it 1041 00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:28,397 through all this bullshit. We made it through all the shit. 1042 00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:31,066 We realized we--we smarter than were, too. 1043 00:43:31,108 --> 00:43:34,069 -You know what I'm saying? -[applause] 1044 00:43:35,362 --> 00:43:38,115 Ev--Everybody in here, you could-- 1045 00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:41,327 Ain't nobody can say they life is worse than nobody else. 1046 00:43:41,368 --> 00:43:43,120 We all went through it, motherfucker. 1047 00:43:43,162 --> 00:43:46,081 It all was bad for every fucking body. 1048 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:48,000 I thought Jesus was coming back, but I said, 1049 00:43:48,042 --> 00:43:51,337 "I guess He gonna wait 'cause He's gotta put a mask on. 1050 00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:53,255 He gonna wait." 1051 00:43:53,297 --> 00:43:54,840 For real 'cause I was ready to go to Heaven. 1052 00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:56,967 I know Heaven off the chain. Kobe Bryant up there. 1053 00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:58,636 You know the basketball team undefeated. 1054 00:43:58,677 --> 00:44:00,971 You know that. You know there's good comedy 1055 00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:02,514 up there. They got George Carlin, 1056 00:44:02,556 --> 00:44:04,475 Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac. 1057 00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:06,143 Shit, comedy off the chain up there. 1058 00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,646 They got good music. Aretha Franklin. 1059 00:44:08,687 --> 00:44:10,105 [cheers and applause] 1060 00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:12,316 Aretha Franklin up there. You got Prince, 1061 00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:14,652 but God made him put on pants, you know? 1062 00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:17,154 [laughter] 1063 00:44:17,196 --> 00:44:18,656 Michael Jackson up there, but he can't-- 1064 00:44:18,697 --> 00:44:21,325 he had to stay away from the small angels. 1065 00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:22,993 [audience groans, laughs] 1066 00:44:23,035 --> 00:44:25,120 [laughs] 1067 00:44:25,162 --> 00:44:28,165 -Oh, fuck you. -[laughter] 1068 00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:30,000 Fuck all of you 'cause when he was on Earth 1069 00:44:30,042 --> 00:44:32,211 you son of a bitch said, "Yeah, he fucked them kid!" 1070 00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:35,339 Soon as he died, "Oh, Michael!" 1071 00:44:35,381 --> 00:44:38,175 I love Michael Jackson like everybody else. 1072 00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:39,885 I was the only fat kid on the block 1073 00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:42,346 with a Beat It jacket that didn't zip up. 1074 00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:43,889 [laughter] 1075 00:44:43,931 --> 00:44:47,184 None of the zippers. I mean, none of the zippers. 1076 00:44:47,226 --> 00:44:50,020 Even the sides. They was like, "Mm-mm." 1077 00:44:50,062 --> 00:44:52,022 [laughter] 1078 00:44:52,064 --> 00:44:54,149 You're a pig, you're a pig 1079 00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:58,195 You know it 1080 00:44:58,237 --> 00:45:00,155 Yeah, everybody up there. I mean, hell, 1081 00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:01,699 Whitney Houston might be up there. 1082 00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:03,158 I ain't for sure. 1083 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,535 [audience groans] 1084 00:45:04,576 --> 00:45:06,537 What?! I ain't up there! 1085 00:45:06,578 --> 00:45:10,207 Shut the fuck up! You--You ain't up there, either! 1086 00:45:10,249 --> 00:45:12,334 Like--Like she gonna-- She--You know 1087 00:45:12,376 --> 00:45:14,545 when she was on Earth she had a little suspect shit 1088 00:45:14,586 --> 00:45:16,505 going on. They asked her, 1089 00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,215 "Whitney, we heard you bought some crack." 1090 00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:19,675 "[scoffs] Show me the receipt." 1091 00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:21,927 Come on, now. 1092 00:45:21,969 --> 00:45:24,221 And y'all blamed poor Bobby Brown. 1093 00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:26,223 Bobby Brown was a mess, but he-- 1094 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:29,184 he didn't fuck her up. They fucked each other up, 1095 00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:31,270 you understand? Let's keep it real. 1096 00:45:31,311 --> 00:45:33,731 Stop fucking fronting. Y'all be fronting too damn much. 1097 00:45:33,772 --> 00:45:35,941 That's what's wrong with the fucking world today. 1098 00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:39,236 You know, we front too much. Let's keep it the truth, man. 1099 00:45:39,278 --> 00:45:41,238 I mean, we don't know. I ain't in Heaven. 1100 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:42,573 When I get up there, I'll come back down. 1101 00:45:42,614 --> 00:45:47,411 "Yeah, Whitney up there." You know? 1102 00:45:47,453 --> 00:45:50,956 She just like Rick James. Rick James up there part time. 1103 00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,876 [laughter] 1104 00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:57,379 He up there part time. So when he get perform-- 1105 00:45:57,421 --> 00:45:58,922 get done performing, "All right, Rick, 1106 00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:02,217 get back down stairs. 1107 00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:04,928 You done performing. Last time we left you up here 1108 00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,765 unsupervised you snorted all the clouds." 1109 00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:13,937 He going back downstairs. Fire and desire 1110 00:46:13,979 --> 00:46:16,315 Well, I'm glad you decided fire 'cause that where 1111 00:46:16,356 --> 00:46:19,401 the fuck you going. 1112 00:46:19,443 --> 00:46:22,780 But--But, you know, the thing about it you learn 1113 00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:24,323 how to survive. The only problem I had 1114 00:46:24,364 --> 00:46:26,658 is I had a dog still. I was like, 1115 00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:29,286 Dumb motherfucker, I don't need no fucking dog 1116 00:46:29,328 --> 00:46:32,748 right now in a pandemic. Get your stupid ass outta here." 1117 00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:34,750 And that motherfucker had the nerve to get sick. 1118 00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:37,753 You know, and that's when you need to keep your hood life. 1119 00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:40,297 And I fucking felt sorry for that motherfucker. 1120 00:46:40,339 --> 00:46:42,132 Back in the day, my dog get sick, 1121 00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,343 I'd throw him in the trash can, you know what I'm saying? 1122 00:46:44,384 --> 00:46:46,303 And I know you white people don't wanna hear that. 1123 00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:48,597 Like, "Uh..." Fuck you! 1124 00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:50,933 You get sick? Motherfucker, I don't even go to the doctor. 1125 00:46:50,974 --> 00:46:53,977 I'll be damned if I pay to take your dumbass to the doctor. 1126 00:46:54,019 --> 00:46:57,314 We usually get wraggly ass dogs that live fucking forever. 1127 00:46:57,356 --> 00:47:00,025 I had a dog lost two legs. He walking on two legs. 1128 00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,027 Walking. That motherfucker-- 1129 00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:05,656 [laughs] He walked like a super model all the time. 1130 00:47:05,697 --> 00:47:08,951 That motherfucker lived till he was 138. 1131 00:47:08,992 --> 00:47:10,994 Fuck you, dog! 1132 00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:14,957 He get--My dog got sick and the pet bill was $6,000. 1133 00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:17,000 And then he gonna come home and shit on the floor? 1134 00:47:17,042 --> 00:47:20,629 I kicked $6,000 outta his ass. 1135 00:47:20,671 --> 00:47:24,466 Yes, I did. I certainly did. 1136 00:47:24,508 --> 00:47:27,511 Disrespectful motherfucker. 1137 00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,014 He can't even protect us. He can't do shit for us. 1138 00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:33,642 He can't kill nothing... 1139 00:47:33,684 --> 00:47:36,353 but time. That's it. He kills time. 1140 00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:39,314 [audience chatting, laughing] 1141 00:47:42,901 --> 00:47:45,696 All this shit going on. I click on the news, 1142 00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:47,906 white people done lost they damn mind. 1143 00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:50,367 2021 started off with a bang. 1144 00:47:50,409 --> 00:47:52,536 White--[laughs] 1145 00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:55,539 Donald Trump--I said it before, I'll say it again, 1146 00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:58,917 he is a real nigga and I don't give a fuck. 1147 00:47:58,959 --> 00:48:01,712 You know he is. He did more nigga shit. 1148 00:48:01,753 --> 00:48:05,716 When he lost, he did-- he lost and got impeached 1149 00:48:05,757 --> 00:48:08,010 and he did what any nigga would do. 1150 00:48:08,051 --> 00:48:11,722 He said, "I ain't going nowhere. 1151 00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:13,849 I don't give a fuck, bitch. 1152 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:16,685 You need to count that shit again." 1153 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:18,937 "Donald, you fired." "Bitch, I put on everything 1154 00:48:18,979 --> 00:48:22,107 I love, ho. 1155 00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,026 You better count that shit again. 1156 00:48:24,067 --> 00:48:25,777 I ain't going no motherfucking where. 1157 00:48:25,819 --> 00:48:27,738 Bitch, I'll smack the shit outta you 1158 00:48:27,779 --> 00:48:29,573 you say I lost again, bitch. 1159 00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:32,034 Did you count? Did you count? 1160 00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,869 [laughter] 1161 00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:36,747 Did you count? Count that. 1162 00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:38,582 Bitch, go get my shit outta the trunk. 1163 00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,918 I don't give a fuck. I ain't going no where. 1164 00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,128 You fired, bitch! You impeached! 1165 00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:44,880 I don't even know what 'peach' is. 1166 00:48:44,922 --> 00:48:46,089 I like peach cobbler. 1167 00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:47,883 Better bring me some peach cobbler 1168 00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:50,761 'cause I ain't going fucking no where." 1169 00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:54,389 [laughter] 1170 00:48:54,431 --> 00:48:58,101 And when he lost--when he lost, that's when them 1171 00:48:58,143 --> 00:49:00,771 Good Ole Boys lost their mind. 1172 00:49:00,812 --> 00:49:03,273 Them motherfuckers-- I was watching the news 1173 00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:05,233 and I seen them white people on the news. 1174 00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:06,777 'Cause when you see Black people snap, 1175 00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:10,447 we just march. We shall overcome 1176 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:14,242 That's it. We--We march down the street. 1177 00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:16,328 We got flags. "No justice, no peace! 1178 00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:17,788 Black pride! Black power!" 1179 00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:19,790 We wear a little T-shirt. That's it. 1180 00:49:19,831 --> 00:49:22,250 You see one crazy dude throw a fire bomb. 1181 00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:24,086 "It was him!" We don't--We don't-- 1182 00:49:24,127 --> 00:49:26,004 [laughter] 1183 00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:28,423 We pretty peaceful, but when you see-- 1184 00:49:28,465 --> 00:49:31,259 [laughs] when you see white people on the news 1185 00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:33,804 snapping the fuck off, 1186 00:49:33,845 --> 00:49:37,265 you be like, "What did happened?" 1187 00:49:37,307 --> 00:49:39,643 You seen them white people there-- 1188 00:49:39,685 --> 00:49:42,813 in that Capitol Building? Them motherfuckers was snapping. 1189 00:49:42,854 --> 00:49:46,149 You heard, We're not going to take it 1190 00:49:46,191 --> 00:49:49,820 No, we're not gonna take it 1191 00:49:49,861 --> 00:49:53,949 We're not gonna take it anymore 1192 00:49:53,991 --> 00:49:56,326 Got a 12-gauge and a bloodhound. 1193 00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:59,329 Them motherfuckers-- They was snapping! 1194 00:49:59,371 --> 00:50:02,165 These white boys were snapping. [laughs] 1195 00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:06,545 They climbing the wall! We're not gonna take it 1196 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,673 They climbing the wall, but the stairs 1197 00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,341 was right around the corner. 1198 00:50:11,383 --> 00:50:14,302 [laughter] 1199 00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:18,849 Them motherfuckers said, "Fuck the stairs. 1200 00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:21,852 We climbing this wall." Couple of 'em fell off the wall. 1201 00:50:21,893 --> 00:50:25,313 "Aah! We're not gonna take it 1202 00:50:27,190 --> 00:50:30,694 They was snapping the fuck off. 1203 00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:32,863 But I love Black people. Black people always saying, 1204 00:50:32,904 --> 00:50:35,657 "You see? See, that's white folk. 1205 00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:39,036 'Cause if that was us... if that was us..." 1206 00:50:39,077 --> 00:50:41,705 I say, "That'll never be us." 1207 00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:43,040 [laughter] 1208 00:50:43,081 --> 00:50:46,710 First of all, I think we were invited. 1209 00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:49,046 Like, "Come on, you're American just like-- 1210 00:50:49,087 --> 00:50:50,547 We're not gonna take it 1211 00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,591 and you're not gonna take it! Come on!" 1212 00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:55,052 "What time ya'll going down there? 1213 00:50:55,093 --> 00:50:56,720 [laughs] 1214 00:50:56,762 --> 00:50:59,431 "7:30 sharp!" 1215 00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:02,934 "In the morning? 1216 00:51:02,976 --> 00:51:04,686 And what you mean by 'sharp'? 1217 00:51:04,728 --> 00:51:07,230 You mean...right at 7:30?" 1218 00:51:07,272 --> 00:51:09,941 "Yes, 7:30 fucking sharp! 1219 00:51:09,983 --> 00:51:12,360 We're not gonna take it " 1220 00:51:12,402 --> 00:51:14,946 A brother'll be like, "Shit, 7:30? 1221 00:51:14,988 --> 00:51:18,700 Damn, I don't get off till nine. 1222 00:51:18,742 --> 00:51:20,869 I'm gonna be tired than a motherfucker 1223 00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:22,245 trying to wake up that early. 1224 00:51:22,287 --> 00:51:24,247 Like, I go--" [laughs] 1225 00:51:24,289 --> 00:51:27,084 "Are y'all still gonna be there at noon?" 1226 00:51:27,125 --> 00:51:30,045 [laughter] 1227 00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,091 [man shouts indistinctly] 1228 00:51:34,132 --> 00:51:35,550 [laughs] 1229 00:51:35,592 --> 00:51:37,928 And po--Hey, let me keep it real with you. 1230 00:51:37,969 --> 00:51:40,430 White folks don't play. They planned that shit. 1231 00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:42,599 They planned that shit. They had blueprints 1232 00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:45,560 and everything up. "All right, 1233 00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:47,813 we gonna be out there at 7:30 sharp. 1234 00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:49,940 You hear that?" "7:30 sharp. We got it." 1235 00:51:49,981 --> 00:51:51,942 [laughter] 1236 00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:54,945 "Jebediah, I want you--" [laughs] 1237 00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,284 "I want you to coordinate all the F-150s." 1238 00:52:01,326 --> 00:52:04,830 "But I got a F-250." "Bring it on! We need it! 1239 00:52:04,871 --> 00:52:06,832 Because we're not gonna take it! 1240 00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:09,584 [laughter] 1241 00:52:09,626 --> 00:52:13,588 You--Y'all--Y'all block the Capitol Building. 1242 00:52:13,630 --> 00:52:16,258 Now, this is what I need you to do, Enos. 1243 00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:19,469 Enos, I want you to get as many guys 1244 00:52:19,511 --> 00:52:23,306 get on boots and climb the wall." 1245 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,809 "But there's some stairs around the corner." 1246 00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:29,354 "You shut the fuck up, Jacob! 1247 00:52:29,396 --> 00:52:31,523 You always got something to say. 1248 00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:34,151 We don't wanna climb the fucking stairs. 1249 00:52:34,192 --> 00:52:36,361 We're gonna climb the fucking wall. 1250 00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,488 We're gonna surprise 'em 'cause 1251 00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:41,783 We're not gonna take it 1252 00:52:41,825 --> 00:52:44,786 [laughter] 1253 00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:53,795 "What you want me to do, George?" 1254 00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:56,798 "I want you to paint your chest... 1255 00:52:56,840 --> 00:53:00,677 and put a buffalo horn helmet on your head. 1256 00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:04,681 That's gonna really fuck 'em up." 1257 00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:07,142 And I love--And I love-- 1258 00:53:07,184 --> 00:53:10,395 And I love the security guard they're saying was a hero. 1259 00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:14,733 That motherfucker ain't never had an emergency ever 1260 00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,484 at that damn building. 1261 00:53:16,526 --> 00:53:19,196 For 30 years his ass was sitting 1262 00:53:19,237 --> 00:53:21,531 looking at the building. Just looking at it. 1263 00:53:21,573 --> 00:53:23,491 "Eh. 1264 00:53:28,246 --> 00:53:30,540 Hey, my DoorDash came yet?" 1265 00:53:30,582 --> 00:53:32,709 He looked out on that mob and he heard, 1266 00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:35,045 We're not gonna take it 1267 00:53:35,086 --> 00:53:37,214 "What the fuck is that? 1268 00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:40,050 Is that a buffalo running up here? 1269 00:53:40,091 --> 00:53:43,011 Where all them F-150s come from?" 1270 00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:45,055 That motherfucker, he started running 1271 00:53:45,096 --> 00:53:46,932 in them bad ass shoes. 1272 00:53:46,973 --> 00:53:49,100 His feet was killing him. 1273 00:53:49,142 --> 00:53:51,061 "I need back up. 1274 00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:54,356 My feet is killing me. Bring me some Dr. Scholls." 1275 00:53:58,568 --> 00:54:01,947 But-- But the thing about it is, man, 1276 00:54:01,988 --> 00:54:05,575 it's so funny. Out here we been blessed, man. 1277 00:54:05,617 --> 00:54:07,410 We been blessed. I thank God. 1278 00:54:07,452 --> 00:54:10,747 I thank God for where we are now 'cause this shit was crazy. 1279 00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,083 I hear they were losing all they minds, 1280 00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:15,252 but I realized one thing. 1281 00:54:15,293 --> 00:54:20,215 In-In adversity there's always progress and perseverance 1282 00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:23,593 and I-I look at my son, I look at--I brought him 1283 00:54:23,635 --> 00:54:25,804 on stage and shit, but he--you know, 1284 00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:28,098 sometimes we forget. I always tell people, 1285 00:54:28,139 --> 00:54:31,768 "Don't ever be upset how far you've came." 1286 00:54:31,810 --> 00:54:33,645 You know? Don't ever be upset. 1287 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:37,107 It may not be where you are, but be happy at your success 1288 00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:39,109 'cause you was over there, now you up here. 1289 00:54:39,150 --> 00:54:42,570 Just look at--It may be two feet or it might be three miles. 1290 00:54:42,612 --> 00:54:46,283 [applause] 1291 00:54:46,324 --> 00:54:49,995 But--But never get comfortable where you at. 1292 00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:52,122 Don't ever just sit. "Well, I'm good right here." 1293 00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:54,082 Nah, nah, fuck that, you know? 1294 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:55,917 You're good today, but it ain't gonna be good tomorrow. 1295 00:54:55,959 --> 00:54:58,503 Always strive for better, you know what I'm saying? 1296 00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:00,255 You always know where you are. 1297 00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:02,674 No--And never get mad at--'cause nobody owe you shit. 1298 00:55:02,716 --> 00:55:04,467 There's always things that are important. 1299 00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:05,969 Like, my son will come up to me. 1300 00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:08,680 "Dad, I just wanna let you know." 1301 00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:11,641 He goes, "I really hate school." 1302 00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:14,602 I said, "If you don't get your little entitled ass... 1303 00:55:14,644 --> 00:55:18,606 downstairs and--and log in on that goddamn computer 1304 00:55:18,648 --> 00:55:21,818 and go to class... I wish I could go to class 1305 00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,778 sitting in my Superman underwear 1306 00:55:23,820 --> 00:55:27,115 eating a bowl of cereal and deleting fucking teachers. 1307 00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:30,160 Motherfucker, I hated school. 1308 00:55:30,201 --> 00:55:32,454 Every motherfucker-- I had to walk two miles 1309 00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:36,791 to the bus stop chased by a Pitbull and a Rottweiler 1310 00:55:36,833 --> 00:55:38,543 and it was one dog. 1311 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:40,670 That's what I'm trying to tell you. 1312 00:55:40,712 --> 00:55:43,631 And I don't know how this dog knew my bus schedule, 1313 00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:47,177 but this motherfucker-- [laughs] 1314 00:55:47,218 --> 00:55:49,554 this motherfucker chased me every day. 1315 00:55:49,596 --> 00:55:52,349 He was my motivation to get to school. 1316 00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:54,017 I got up there. A little fat boy running 1317 00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:56,728 like a pig going, "Help! Help!" 1318 00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:58,688 And I'd get up there, had to help the bus driver 1319 00:55:58,730 --> 00:56:00,523 change a tire. 1320 00:56:00,565 --> 00:56:02,817 Then make sure to look out so the police wouldn't get him 1321 00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:04,569 'cause he didn't have a driver's license. 1322 00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:06,196 I'd get to school. Got my ass whupped 1323 00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:08,365 by both bullies. The white bully for being Black 1324 00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,742 and the Black bully for being fat. 1325 00:56:10,784 --> 00:56:13,703 And then I'd get to class and forgot my homework 1326 00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:16,706 so the teacher, evil ass, gave me a F plus. 1327 00:56:16,748 --> 00:56:19,542 The fuck you give a nigga a F plus for? 1328 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:21,669 You a dirty motherfucker. It could've been 1329 00:56:21,711 --> 00:56:22,921 a straight fucking F. 1330 00:56:22,962 --> 00:56:24,547 You gonna give me a plus on it, bitch? 1331 00:56:24,589 --> 00:56:27,550 I'll knock your monkey ass out. 1332 00:56:27,592 --> 00:56:28,760 Then I get home. My mama talking about, 1333 00:56:28,802 --> 00:56:30,845 "How the hell you get a F plus?" 1334 00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:34,015 I said, "Look here, lady, that's beside the point. 1335 00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:37,769 I got chased by a fucking mutant Pitbull Rottweiler, 1336 00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:40,939 walked up a fucking hill two miles, 1337 00:56:40,980 --> 00:56:43,274 changed a fucking tire." I'm eight, all right? 1338 00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:46,194 [laughter] 1339 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,279 "And then get to school and get my ass whupped 1340 00:56:48,321 --> 00:56:50,740 twice before I get in class? 1341 00:56:50,782 --> 00:56:55,078 Hell with that F plus. I got an A in survival." 1342 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:58,039 [cheers and applause] 1343 00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:03,795 Only thing I liked about school was free lunch. 1344 00:57:03,837 --> 00:57:06,548 I love free lunch. I love that free lunch. 1345 00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:10,051 I used to love spaghetti Tuesday and pizza Friday, man. 1346 00:57:10,093 --> 00:57:12,262 I'd save two tickets for pizza Friday, boy. 1347 00:57:12,303 --> 00:57:14,305 And I'd get two pieces of pizza and scrape all the toppings 1348 00:57:14,347 --> 00:57:15,932 off one pizza and put it on one. 1349 00:57:15,974 --> 00:57:18,726 It'd be like a meat lovers. [whistles] 1350 00:57:18,768 --> 00:57:22,272 Oh, shit! Get me one of them juice cups. 1351 00:57:22,313 --> 00:57:24,983 Whoo! I love that shit. 1352 00:57:25,024 --> 00:57:27,444 I used to fuck that up every Friday. 1353 00:57:27,485 --> 00:57:29,279 But then my mama got a better job 1354 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:32,657 and then she made 35 cents more than the equivalency 1355 00:57:32,699 --> 00:57:36,119 so I couldn't get free lunch or the reduced lunch. 1356 00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:38,288 So I had to take my fucking lunch to school 1357 00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:42,292 so I had Vienna sausage and crackers 1358 00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:44,294 and she used to put my milk in a mason jar 1359 00:57:44,335 --> 00:57:46,129 so it'd taste like apple butter. 1360 00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:47,964 [laughter] 1361 00:57:48,006 --> 00:57:50,467 And on every Friday she would make what I wanted for lunch. 1362 00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:52,427 Like, one week she made me meatloaf, 1363 00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:56,014 but this week she--she made me a meatloaf sandwich, you know? 1364 00:57:56,055 --> 00:57:57,765 After the--You know, the excess meatloaf 1365 00:57:57,807 --> 00:57:59,476 on white bread with some Miracle Whip. 1366 00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:01,436 [whistles] Off the chain, you know what I'm saying? 1367 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:03,313 But she said, "Well, we out of meatloaf, baby, 1368 00:58:03,354 --> 00:58:05,148 but this Friday whatever you want, 1369 00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:07,025 I'll make it for you." And I said, "Well, I'd love 1370 00:58:07,066 --> 00:58:08,485 a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." 1371 00:58:08,526 --> 00:58:09,986 She said, "Peanut butter and jelly coming up." 1372 00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,446 I said, "Cool." 1373 00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,656 She go to the-- go to the, uh, cabinet. 1374 00:58:13,698 --> 00:58:15,617 "Oh, we out of bread, baby. I'm sorry." 1375 00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:18,161 I said, "Oh, it's cool. Just give me some Vienna sausage 1376 00:58:18,203 --> 00:58:20,538 and crackers and I'll drink my apple butter milk 1377 00:58:20,580 --> 00:58:22,373 and go on about my business." 1378 00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:24,209 She said, "Wait a minute. I found some bread. 1379 00:58:24,250 --> 00:58:26,503 I found these hotdog buns. I'll just put some 1380 00:58:26,544 --> 00:58:28,046 peanut butter and jelly on the hotdog buns." 1381 00:58:28,087 --> 00:58:31,966 I said, "No. No. No, that's not gonna work. 1382 00:58:32,008 --> 00:58:34,344 We're not gonna do that right now." 1383 00:58:34,385 --> 00:58:36,513 She's like, "What? Bread is bread." 1384 00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:38,139 I said, "I'm not arguing with you there. 1385 00:58:38,181 --> 00:58:41,059 Bread is bread. In this house bread is bread, 1386 00:58:41,100 --> 00:58:42,810 but at that school... 1387 00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,562 [laughter] 1388 00:58:44,604 --> 00:58:47,023 where I'm already getting a F plus... 1389 00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:49,067 I'm getting my ass whupped by both bullies, 1390 00:58:49,108 --> 00:58:52,820 and you dress me like a Best Buy manager..." 1391 00:58:52,862 --> 00:58:55,490 My mama told me, "I'ma make it for you anyway." 1392 00:58:55,532 --> 00:58:58,535 I said, "Fine, I won't eat it at school." 1393 00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:00,411 I got to school. I didn't even wanna go to lunch. 1394 00:59:00,453 --> 00:59:02,038 Lunch is my favorite part of the day. 1395 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:04,415 So, I went outside. Kids changing lunches. 1396 00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:06,376 Changing lunch. "I trade you some of my Cheetos 1397 00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:08,211 for some of your Doritos." 1398 00:59:08,253 --> 00:59:10,713 "I change you a Oreo for a piece of your Twinkie." 1399 00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:12,882 "What you got, Vell?" I said, "Hey, I'm cutting back 1400 00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,426 today, fellas." 1401 00:59:15,468 --> 00:59:17,554 But the Black bully, he didn't believe me. 1402 00:59:17,595 --> 00:59:19,180 The Black bully by the name of Erik. 1403 00:59:19,222 --> 00:59:21,224 And Erik wasn't your normal third grader. 1404 00:59:21,266 --> 00:59:24,727 He had a--He had a beard and a mustache. 1405 00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:26,854 He had chest hair. He worked the night shift 1406 00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:28,731 as the janitor at the school 1407 00:59:28,773 --> 00:59:31,401 and his son was in kindergarten. 1408 00:59:31,442 --> 00:59:33,903 He said, "You're a damn liar. I know your fat ass got a-- 1409 00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:36,781 I know your fat ass got-- got some good-- 1410 00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:38,449 something good. You had meatloaf last week. 1411 00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,076 You didn't give me none of that. You gonna give me 1412 00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:41,619 some of that damn whatever you got in your bag." 1413 00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:44,914 He snatched my bag and he saw that hotdog bun. 1414 00:59:44,956 --> 00:59:47,458 And, you know, third graders, they see a hotdog, 1415 00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:49,919 it's like filet mignon. "Oh, shit! 1416 00:59:49,961 --> 00:59:53,423 Lavell got a hotdog, y'all!" 1417 00:59:53,464 --> 00:59:55,592 I said, "Erik, looks can be deceiving. 1418 00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:57,260 Don't--Don't-- 1419 00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,220 It's not necessarily a hotdog." 1420 00:59:59,262 --> 01:00:01,389 He said, "Shut your fat ass up and break me off a piece 1421 01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:03,808 of that hotdog right now before I whup your ass." 1422 01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:06,102 I said, "I just don't want you to be surprised 1423 01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:08,479 when I break it." 1424 01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:10,440 So, I broke that motherfucking hotdog bun. 1425 01:00:10,481 --> 01:00:13,318 He seen that peanut butter and jelly ooze outta there. 1426 01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:17,113 He snapped. "What kind of fucking appetite you got? 1427 01:00:17,155 --> 01:00:20,617 You putting peanut butter and jelly on a hotdog bun? 1428 01:00:20,658 --> 01:00:23,411 You ain't got no mustard or ketchup?" 1429 01:00:23,453 --> 01:00:27,332 And I broke down and said, "My mama ran out of bread." 1430 01:00:27,373 --> 01:00:30,293 He started laughing. "[laughs] Lavell poor! 1431 01:00:30,335 --> 01:00:31,919 He can't afford bread." 1432 01:00:31,961 --> 01:00:33,796 And I ran off crying and I had to eat 1433 01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:37,425 with the faculty the rest of the year. 1434 01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:39,802 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I've been Lavell Crawford. 1435 01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:42,805 [hip hop music playing] 1436 01:00:42,847 --> 01:00:45,808 [cheers and applause] 1437 01:00:52,148 --> 01:00:53,691 It was a great show, brother. Good job. 1438 01:00:53,733 --> 01:00:55,943 -Thanks, man. -We proud. Mama's proud. 1439 01:00:55,985 --> 01:00:57,820 Hey, man, Floyd says ya'll needed me? 1440 01:00:57,862 --> 01:00:59,697 Man, you know I always need you, man. 1441 01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:01,491 Oh, I knew I'd be back, man. 1442 01:01:01,532 --> 01:01:03,159 I was a little nervous. 1443 01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:05,203 -You know how we play with you. -Yeah, yeah. 1444 01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:06,829 But Junior was asking me a question 1445 01:01:06,871 --> 01:01:09,499 something I forgot about. He was asking me 1446 01:01:09,540 --> 01:01:11,876 how much--how much he supposed to get paid. 1447 01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:14,212 And I just remembered I let you grab the check. 1448 01:01:14,253 --> 01:01:15,463 -Right. -Yeah. 1449 01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:17,006 Let me get that back from you. 1450 01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:18,549 -You want the check back? -Yeah, man, I mean, 1451 01:01:18,591 --> 01:01:20,468 -Junior gotta get paid. -I mean, he ten. 1452 01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:22,178 What you gonna do with $1,200? 1453 01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:24,514 Hey, look, hey, man, we'll worry about that later. 1454 01:01:24,555 --> 01:01:26,474 Just give Junior the check, man. 1455 01:01:26,516 --> 01:01:29,143 -Here you go, man. -Thank you. 1456 01:01:29,185 --> 01:01:30,687 Thank you, dog. You be careful. 1457 01:01:30,728 --> 01:01:33,856 -You need a ride back? -My rent due on the first. 1458 01:01:33,898 --> 01:01:35,483 All right, yeah. I--You know what? 1459 01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,652 -I needed that. -We'll say a prayer for you. 1460 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,362 I gotta go to a prayer meeting this week. 1461 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:40,655 -Man, I got you, though. -I appreciate that, man. 1462 01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:42,156 No problem. We love you, though! 1463 01:01:42,198 --> 01:01:44,534 -I love you, too, man. -Now you earning now. 1464 01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:47,370 -Yeah. -But you know I need my 10%. 1465 01:01:47,412 --> 01:01:49,580 I need you to chip in on that cable bill. 1466 01:01:49,622 --> 01:01:51,666 -But-- -Let's stop arguing about it. 1467 01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,544 We'll argue at home. You got 1,200 in your pocket. 1468 01:01:54,585 --> 01:01:56,879 You got a new job. You gonna make much more money. 1469 01:01:56,921 --> 01:01:59,006 -Huh? Yeah. -Yeah. 1470 01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:00,842 Team Crawford, baby! 1471 01:02:00,883 --> 01:02:03,845 [hip hop music playing] 1472 01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:45,762 [microphone droans] 1473 01:02:45,803 --> 01:02:48,723 [bright tone]