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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Sorry. You lost.
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Nothing is the same…
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Buddy!
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Hey, baby.
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For better or for worse…
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Nice to see you. I'll be in touch.
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Because nothing is the same
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It's better to laugh than cry
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Laughing is better than crying
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You need to live any way you can
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While you're still alive
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It's the crises that help you grow
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I can handle all of them
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The planet keeps spinning
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But it never gets dizzy
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Nothing is the same
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For better or for worse
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Always moving forward
Never backwards
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Because nothing is the same
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LOKILLO
NOTHING IS THE SAME
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How are you doing?
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Wow, I can't believe
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I'm doing a live show with an audience,
no matter how small,
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considering what the planet
has been through recently, but anyway…
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I'm Lokillo Flórez.
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Thanks for being here,
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complying with all
the "bio-happiness" protocols.
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You might ask why we're here,
in this magical, deserted warehouse.
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For two reasons.
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First, it's a romantic setting.
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And secondly, because of our budget.
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I wanted to shoot the show
in a residential community,
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in a small plaza,
with the neighbors as our audience,
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laughing with their families
on the balconies.
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Sadly, the regulatory authority
for these cases wouldn't allow it.
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The highest authority.
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The standard-setter with the power
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to permit these kinds of events
in residential units.
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Which is?
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The security guard.
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The moron didn't let me in!
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So I got there,
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and when a security guard says no,
they mean no.
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Even if it's President Putin's mother.
"Mrs. Putin, no is no."
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I'm standing there and he goes,
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"The gentleman says he's from…
Where are you from, buddy?"
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"Hi. I'm here to shoot a Netflix show."
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"Nenfis?"
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"Netflix."
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"Nedis?"
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"Netflix."
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"He says he's here to take a selfix."
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"Permission denied."
And they didn't let me in.
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So we used this depot with no balconies,
but also no security guards.
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We're shooting this show,
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which is more of a testimony
for future generations,
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to tell them
that during this period of time
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the world as we knew it changed,
nothing is the same anymore.
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We had to drop everything we were used to,
our habits, hobbies, and activities.
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Something as simple as shaking hands,
we had to stop doing it
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to greet people using something
with a three-letter word.
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A lady at home asks, "With your ass?"
No, lady, with your elbow.
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But it's not the same.
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We humans
have been shaking hands for ages.
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Do you know
where the handshake originated?
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The handshake originated
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in ancient civilizations.
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If you don't know a date
and you want to look smart, say,
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"In ancient civilizations."
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Sure, nobody can say,
"I was there and that's not true."
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The handshake, the high five,
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they are among the nicest gestures
we Westerners have.
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The Asians,
who've always been smarter than us,
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use a thousand-year-old greeting
that has survived pandemics.
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Which is?
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Bowing.
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A bow that places them
almost at a right angle.
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Why is it called a right angle?
Because that angle…
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goes right up your butt.
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No, we Westerners, especially Latinos,
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need to make physical contact
to greet each other.
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Don't you miss physical contact?
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We like touching, patting, punching.
"What's up?"
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"What's up, you crook?" "Playing dumb?"
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"Here's a good-luck kick."
"Hey, buddy." "Hey, kid."
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"What's up, you moron?"
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That had to happen
before they coined the term, right?
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"He must be a moron."
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And we certainly need physical contact
with chicks, but of the romantic kind.
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"Hey, girl."
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We need to kiss.
Latinos need our little pecks.
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"María Cristina, how are you, honey?"
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"Camilita, you're so grown up!"
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"What's up, María Laura, honey?"
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Yes, romantic.
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But we were told
no more kissing on the lips.
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It was hard for me
to stop kissing on the lips
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because my wife is the only person
I never kiss on the lips.
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But how can we kiss with masks on?
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I couldn't take it anymore.
I started kissing on top of the masks.
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But kissing with a mask
is worse than sucking a tit in a bra.
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It makes no sense.
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And, when we realized
we couldn't make any physical contact,
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we had no idea
how to greet a friend on the street.
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Remember those first days?
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They used an elbow and you an ankle.
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It was like playing with Messi.
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Because nobody came up
with an official greeting.
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Like my first trip to Argentina.
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Argentine men greet each other
with a kiss on the cheek.
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And we don't expect that,
Colombians stick a hand out and…
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"Hey. What's up-- Hey!"
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So you don't know what to do.
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Especially because Argentinians are tall,
with intimidating blue eyes.
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Not even governments knew
what to tell us about greeting.
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Not even they knew.
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Remember when Latin American presidents
said on national TV,
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"Stop shaking hands.
From now on, only do fist bumps."
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When the president said do fist bumps,
I remembered my dad.
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He used his fist on my mom all his life.
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Then they said no fist bumps either.
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So I think we urgently need
to find a new way to greet each other.
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But a greeting that survives pandemics,
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and isn't in danger of extinction,
such as the handshake.
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I humbly suggest…
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I'm putting it on the table…
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From now on, we'll greet each other
by putting our private parts together.
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It's not dirty, ma'am.
Look at it as revolutionary.
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Let's use our private parts
to greet each other fearlessly.
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"What's up?" Bang.
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"Hello." Bang.
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"What's up, dude?" Bang, bang, fearlessly.
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Let's get our things together, guys.
It's so easy.
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And you can't catch the new virus
like that.
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You can catch other's viruses,
but only those we're accustomed to.
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We develop antibodies.
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There were new TV campaigns
showing us how to wash our hands.
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We didn't know how to wash our hands.
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Remember the video that went viral
on WhatsApp and all the social media,
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explaining how to wash our hands?
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We learned it's with both hands,
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between the fingers,
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the thumbs,
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the pothead scratching a palm…
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I saw that, and I said,
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"If we haven't washed our hands correctly
all this time,
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how are we cleaning our butts?"
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No.
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We're lucky there isn't a butt virus.
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Imagine a butt virus?
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"Wash it every 20 minutes."
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"Go outside with a butt mask on."
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"Use the mandatory butt sanitizer."
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What would we do with no hands?
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Imagine us
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with no hands at a concert
without being able to do this.
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Well, not us. Our parents.
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That's what our aunts and dads did.
We kids don't do that.
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We only raise our hands
to dance for a TikTok.
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The crazy TikTok chicks dance like this.
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I don't dance like that
because I'm a rapper, son.
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Everybody, put your hands up
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or be edited out.
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You won't be in the video.
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Your hands.
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Latin Americans
We still work hand in hand in the barrio
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Under governments
That won't give us a hand
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I win at poker
I have the best hand
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I date your daughter
But I never ask for her hand
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A bird in hand is worth two in the bush
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The cop yells, "Hands on your head"
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And my buddies are right at hand
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My friends, my buddies, my brothers
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I'm glad we're washing our hands
because I looked it up
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and on just one human hand
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there are more than 150 kinds of bacteria.
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Think about where that hand was
before shaking it.
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Do your homework.
Next time, smell that hand discreetly.
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Try it out. Smell it.
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"How are you? Okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
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"Smells like onion."
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"This one's been cooking."
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"Nice to meet you."
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"Nicotine. This one was smoking."
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"How are you?" "Fine, brother."
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"Smells like vinegar and cheese."
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"He took his girl to the movies."
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No, thank God that we now in the habit
of washing our hands often.
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You know what's the problem is?
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We wash our hands every two hours,
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but we dry them with a towel
we haven't washed in two months.
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Think about that towel back home.
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That body-and-hands towel
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that you use to dry the car
and clean your sneakers.
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That filthy towel.
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All Latin American homes
have a towel like that.
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The towel you throw away as a kid
and it pops up again.
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It just won't go away.
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You move from house to house,
and it follows you around.
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What's more, it helps you move.
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Who hasn't wrapped a mirror
or a TV set in a towel?
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That's when it shows up.
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And the towel has different textures
because it's so woolly.
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It looks like tripe stew when it's wet.
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And it's as rough as toast when it's dry.
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So it both dries you and sands you.
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It's the indestructible towel.
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They say if there's a nuclear war,
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guess what'll be
the only thing to survive.
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-Roaches.
-Roaches and towels.
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Ma'am, please,
don't ruin the Netflix show.
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No, it makes sense.
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The lady says the roaches
hide among those towels
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as the blast wave expands.
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Washing our hands makes sense, guys.
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00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,959
Why won't we wash our hands?
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Our hands are what we,
as human beings, use most.
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Those that have hands.
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Right? No.
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00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:28,474
Because if you don't have hands…
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What are handless people washing?
They'll get one hell of a butt virus.
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00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,569
No, I don't want to be rude, I don't.
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Are any of you handless?
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Raise your hand.
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No, guys, no!
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So, here we are,
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adapting to these new realities,
these new rules of coexistence.
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00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:11,016
Because a virus showed us
how vulnerable we human beings are.
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It's the only thing that,
for a while, made us feel equal.
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Your race, sex, religion, language,
none of that mattered.
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It didn't matter
whether you were rich or poor.
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00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:29,994
Because regardless if you lived
in a mansion or in a wooden hut,
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you still had to stay inside.
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00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:35,583
If you were divorcing your wife,
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I hope you didn't get your divorce papers
during the pandemic
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because that would be a mess.
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Imagine you're in the middle of it,
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paying your attorneys,
you didn't even get to keep the kids.
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00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:48,888
"Free at last!"
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00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:51,849
"Stay away from me.
That's your corner and this is mine."
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00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:55,853
What about the guy that, in early 2020,
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00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:59,023
quit his job to work freelance?
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00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,776
No. Don't be like that.
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00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,864
No, the guy that had his teeth fixed,
248
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:10,075
and the treatment was completed
when the pandemic hit.
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00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:15,289
Imagine having a mouthful of wires
for a couple of years
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00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:19,001
to straighten teeth
that looked like a piranha high on coke.
251
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,005
Then he finally has a decent smile,
252
00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:25,883
and he has to use a mask
after the treatment is done.
253
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,054
Those who were getting some huge tattoos,
254
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,389
that are done in sections,
255
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:35,309
and now have a section missing
because of the lockdown.
256
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:38,562
My friend Daniela
had a tattoo started on her arm
257
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,648
that would've said "honor."
258
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,111
When lockdown started,
they had only got to "ho…"
259
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:48,572
Tough luck, right?
260
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,075
What a coincidence! Because she's a…
261
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:58,457
What about the guy that woke up
from a coma during lockdown?
262
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:05,255
There are real cases of people who woke up
from a coma during lockdown.
263
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,092
The case of the soccer player
is the most interesting.
264
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:10,636
He was in isolation for three years.
265
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,346
See? In a coma.
266
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:14,515
It's the same thing.
267
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,351
Man! Three years!
268
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,729
So, when that unfortunate event occurred
269
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:24,149
he had no idea
that we would be in this situation.
270
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,778
Imagine waking up from a coma
during a pandemic.
271
00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:31,907
"Ma'am."
272
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:34,159
"Ma'am."
273
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:39,456
Please let me focus on my coma.
274
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:43,252
You'd wake up a guy in a coma.
275
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,505
Let's continue. "Ma'am."
276
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:51,969
"Ma'am."
277
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,808
"I'm back! Oh my God, I'm back!"
278
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:01,103
"I made it back!
Yes! I want to enjoy every moment."
279
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,521
"Don't move."
280
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:07,109
"We can't leave, sir.
We're in a lockdown."
281
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,737
"A lock what? Why?"
282
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,364
"I want to go outside and do something."
283
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,575
"We're going live in 30 minutes,
284
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,995
if you want to be reconnected."
285
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,914
No way. Not that.
286
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,083
No, not that.
287
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,253
Not that.
288
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,715
No. You're so cruel.
289
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,887
The amputee guy goes,
"I have no hands to clap with."
290
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,810
The ladies that had butt lifts
291
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,188
and breast implants
to get sugar daddies…
292
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:46,940
because it's a good investment.
293
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:50,861
And we all got locked in. Tough luck.
294
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:54,573
You should've used the silicone money
for a good phone plan
295
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:58,535
because you even had to hook up
over a video call,
296
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,873
which I think benefits men a lot.
297
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:03,957
Think about it.
298
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:09,213
Women coming out of a very long lockdown
299
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:13,342
won't be as demanding
when they start looking for a partner.
300
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:17,930
The age-old prophecy was fulfilled.
301
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,100
"All men are equal."
And we were really equal.
302
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,102
All guys on a video call,
303
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,686
bearded and shaggy.
304
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:28,816
Groomed up here,
and down there, shorts and flip-flops.
305
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:33,278
Everyone using masks.
Great, guys. We're not ugly anymore.
306
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,280
We're kind of ugly.
307
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:41,954
Ladies, we men won't let you…
308
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,288
Ladies,
309
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,706
let me tell you something.
310
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:46,917
Go for it.
311
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:51,213
Use your elbows or whatever
to get what you want, ladies.
312
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:52,798
Strike while the iron is hot.
313
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:56,969
Pretend you're in a bad neighborhood.
314
00:18:57,052 --> 00:19:00,764
Get on the first bus that passes by,
even if it's not your bus.
315
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,976
Go out there Pokémon-style.
"I choose you."
316
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,644
Just grab him.
317
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,190
It's so tough finding a guy nowadays
318
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:13,861
that moms talk to their daughters
319
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:17,698
as if the guy was a bowl of soup,
"Eat him up, honey."
320
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,034
"Eat him all up, honey."
321
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:26,498
"Lots of poor women must be jealous
of what you're throwing away, honey."
322
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:32,921
I'm sure when the lockdown started
many women said,
323
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,633
"I want a man that's tall,
dark, rich, smart and funny."
324
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:40,554
During lockdown,
"I want a man that's tall and funny."
325
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:43,557
After lockdown, "I want a man."
326
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:49,229
But it's not all bad.
Not all ladies got locked down alone.
327
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:54,067
Some got locked down
with their husbands or boyfriends.
328
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:56,904
They finally got their man in there.
329
00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:01,325
Their man was there 24/7.
330
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:04,328
There was no excuse like,
"I'm going to play a game…"
331
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,831
"No, sir, there's a lockdown. Come here."
332
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,876
Man! They had them there all the time.
333
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:15,631
And the Friday night excuse
for going to meet up with friends is over.
334
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,966
So much for Friday night hangouts.
335
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,929
According to People magazine,
336
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,682
during the crazy year of 2020,
337
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:30,771
women had to rethink the list of qualities
338
00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:33,148
they look for in Prince Charming.
339
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,068
Lists that had so far stated that…
340
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:41,073
All women want a man
That's sweet and cute
341
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,742
Romantic and faithful
342
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,620
Who can dance and cook
343
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,247
Who buys them presents
344
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:51,583
And who smells nice
345
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,877
Who, when she comes home tired
346
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:58,298
Surprises her with a foot massage
347
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,968
Tells her a joke in the daytime
348
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:05,722
But bangs her three times at night
349
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,934
And loves and protects her
Any way she sees fit
350
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,562
Without being jealous and annoying
351
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,275
One who doesn't pee on the toilet seat
352
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,903
Or leave hairs on the soap
353
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,281
They must wonder if such a man exists.
354
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,407
Is there such a man?
355
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:31,748
Of course.
356
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:35,419
The problem is that that guy
357
00:21:35,502 --> 00:21:37,170
Already has a boyfriend
358
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:54,187
It's your choice, ladies.
359
00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:57,691
A digital guy, or an anal-og guy.
360
00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:01,278
I recommend the digital guy.
361
00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:05,157
Sure, because nowadays
we need to keep informed
362
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,075
about virtuality and technology.
363
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:10,245
It's our new reality,
technology and virtuality.
364
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,289
If you didn't like digital platforms,
365
00:22:12,372 --> 00:22:17,753
you had to accept that they
were the only way to telecommute,
366
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:21,173
participate in virtual classes,
entertain and to do business.
367
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:25,761
So, during that huge lockdown,
your best bet was the Internet.
368
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:29,139
And the famous telecommuting started.
369
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:33,643
Remember?
Everybody started working from home.
370
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:34,770
And it was a mess.
371
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:39,107
"You're not connected."
"Send me the link." "That's not the link."
372
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:43,320
"Restart it." "That's not it."
"What platform is it?"
373
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:44,529
"I emailed you it."
374
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,407
"Switch the speakerphone off
and turn on the camera."
375
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:52,245
Yes, video calls started crashing
376
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:55,332
because everybody was online, remember?
377
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:58,919
Video calls crashed,
but beautiful people had no problems.
378
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:01,380
Beautiful is beautiful, so…
379
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:05,258
Beautiful people
looked like the stars of Titanic.
380
00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:06,802
Frozen, but glamorous.
381
00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:11,723
So annoying! And at virtual meetings…
382
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,225
"Boss, I think we should…
383
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:20,232
have a meeting to discuss…
384
00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:24,736
every chance of…"
385
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:29,866
They looked gorgeous,
while we ugly people looked even uglier.
386
00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:33,370
My God, why was that
when we looked our very worst?
387
00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:35,038
"Boss, is there any chance…"
388
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,085
"My market research says…"
389
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:44,256
That's so annoying!
390
00:23:44,923 --> 00:23:47,801
Either the video or the audio crashed.
391
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,471
"Boss, I think that ho…"
392
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:54,516
"Excuse me, Flórez?"
393
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:58,228
"That whole system crashed,
but it just needs a good…"
394
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,231
"What, Flórez?"
395
00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:05,819
"I'll stop working on it.
It needs a good revision, you moron."
396
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:08,697
"What, Flórez?"
397
00:24:08,780 --> 00:24:12,325
"I'll assess the situation today,
you ass."
398
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:15,036
It was really tough.
399
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,623
And while we were telecommuting,
400
00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:21,543
our kids had virtual classes, remember?
401
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:27,340
Our adorable moms
had to repeat grade school with the kids.
402
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:29,384
While we worked there.
403
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,888
I have two kids, Luchi and Santi.
404
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:35,015
They both have computers.
405
00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:39,769
I telecommute while they study.
The boy, the girl, and I'm over here.
406
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,189
Our cords got tangled up.
407
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,774
My son sent projects to my boss.
408
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,861
I did tests with my daughter's teacher.
409
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:52,949
What's the problem?
My son got promoted, and I flunked.
410
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:54,242
No way.
411
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,204
Even doctor appointments were virtual.
412
00:24:57,287 --> 00:25:00,457
That's ridiculous, guys.
Virtual medical appointments?
413
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:04,836
We did all that in person.
Virtual medical appointments?
414
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,465
I had a video call with my dentist.
415
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,426
My son walked in while I was like this…
416
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:15,639
"What are you doing, Dad?"
"I'm at the dentist, son."
417
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:19,434
"I know. Like Mom did last night."
"With the dentist?"
418
00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:22,229
"No, with the gynecologist."
"What?"
419
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:25,690
No, we haven't gotten that far.
420
00:25:25,774 --> 00:25:27,817
Who is she sending that to?
421
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:29,736
Even worse, what are they sending her?
422
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:31,905
But it's not a bad idea.
423
00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:37,118
But of course, if gynecologists are--
Are any of those here?
424
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:39,871
I can't smell your… Kidding.
425
00:25:39,955 --> 00:25:44,501
If any gynecologists are watching,
virtual consultations are a great idea.
426
00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:47,671
And I know who you can practice with.
427
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:49,339
Webcam models.
428
00:25:50,757 --> 00:25:55,262
What better patient for a gynecologist
to practice with than a camgirl?
429
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,598
I know there are vulnerable groups
watching this.
430
00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:03,019
You vulnerable groups at home,
what's a camgirl?
431
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:07,899
A camgirl is a kind of influencer.
432
00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:11,945
Like a YouTuber who displays
their content in front of a camera.
433
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,907
Who, instead of followers, has predators.
434
00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:20,453
And unlike YouTubers, looks for the finger
down there, not a thumbs up.
435
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:23,540
Who has a great… Yes, ma'am, please.
436
00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:29,045
They're real pros.
They know how to open the app.
437
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:31,548
They have flexible schedules,
very flexible.
438
00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:36,219
Camgirls are way ahead of their time.
439
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:41,016
What better example of initiative
and independence than that of a camgirl?
440
00:26:41,099 --> 00:26:43,727
When telecommuting
started becoming popular,
441
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:46,187
they were already telecommuting pros.
442
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:49,899
We were just learning,
443
00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:53,445
while they earned their bread for years
by the sweat of their bodies.
444
00:26:54,404 --> 00:26:56,406
No. Sorry. Cut that out.
445
00:26:56,489 --> 00:26:59,409
They earned their bread
by the sweat of their brows.
446
00:27:00,827 --> 00:27:03,622
They never worried about being fired.
447
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:07,125
They didn't have to worry
when companies started firing people.
448
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:11,630
They were fine, while other women
experienced some very hairy situations.
449
00:27:13,089 --> 00:27:15,050
A friend of mine is a camgirl.
450
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:19,596
Sometimes I ask her to send me pictures
with her clothes on.
451
00:27:19,679 --> 00:27:23,683
But I know what you think,
"What a pervert. How can you do that?"
452
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:28,313
I know her because we worked together
until she quit her job.
453
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:30,231
We met again and I said,
454
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,485
"Daniela, honey, how are you?
Why did you quit your job?"
455
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:34,819
She said, "No way, man!"
456
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,114
"I was so exhausted."
457
00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:42,160
"I was totally screwed
with those schedules."
458
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:46,331
"And the boss was all over me 24/7."
459
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:51,211
"Now I'm still exhausted and screwed,
but the boss isn't all over me 24/7."
460
00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:55,590
And the classic question for a camgirl,
"Do you make a lot of money?"
461
00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:58,510
And she says, "More or less."
462
00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:00,970
"It takes time."
463
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:07,686
"At first, not much came in,
but now it won't stop coming."
464
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:11,648
And I said,
"I can imagine. Do your folks know?"
465
00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:12,691
"Yes."
466
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:17,028
"My dad almost had a heart attack
when he found out."
467
00:28:17,112 --> 00:28:21,658
"He smashed things and yelled at me,
'Forget that I'm your dad.'"
468
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:26,162
"So I said, 'Okay, Dad. I'm leaving.'
469
00:28:26,913 --> 00:28:29,207
'I'm taking the car I got for us.'
470
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:34,003
'I'll stop paying the mortgage
and the utility bills.'"
471
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:35,630
"And what did your dad say?"
472
00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,966
"Forget that I'm your dad."
473
00:28:38,758 --> 00:28:41,094
"I'm your manager, honey."
474
00:28:41,177 --> 00:28:43,847
"It's a family business."
475
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:45,515
"Let's move forward."
476
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,227
"Let's tidy up this room."
477
00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:53,815
"Let's upgrade the set.
Look at that filthy rosary."
478
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:55,942
"Dad, drop the sex beads."
479
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:01,322
It must be so awkward
for a dad to admit to his kid
480
00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:03,867
that he knows she's a camgirl.
481
00:29:03,950 --> 00:29:06,494
Just imagine the old man
in that situation,
482
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:08,288
"Daniela, I know all about it."
483
00:29:10,582 --> 00:29:11,708
"I know all about it."
484
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:15,545
"I seen it."
485
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:18,631
And she says, "How did you see it?"
486
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:24,971
And what does her dad say? "Well…
487
00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:28,725
Well, I… I logged into YouTube
488
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,062
looking for a video of the game,
489
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:35,690
and one game led to another,
490
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:38,735
and I tried to close an ad,
491
00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:41,821
but it took me to a subscription page
which I tried to close,
492
00:29:42,405 --> 00:29:44,824
but I accidentally put in my name."
493
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:50,371
"My name, address, and credit card."
494
00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,958
"So now I'm a member."
495
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:56,961
The dad!
496
00:29:57,045 --> 00:30:00,465
Camgirls are the real pros, guys.
497
00:30:01,925 --> 00:30:05,261
They make money from home,
never catch any diseases.
498
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,430
Maybe a computer virus.
499
00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:11,351
Good lights, good mics, good tits.
500
00:30:11,434 --> 00:30:12,852
They've got it all.
501
00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:18,566
They have soundproof rooms,
but not to keep all the noise inside,
502
00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:22,487
to avoid being distracted
by all the noise in the street.
503
00:30:22,570 --> 00:30:25,240
They're a vulnerable group.
Let me explain.
504
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:29,035
When somebody tips them,
505
00:30:29,118 --> 00:30:32,121
a bell on the computer rings meaning…
506
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:33,414
This guy's like, "Yeah."
507
00:30:34,749 --> 00:30:38,378
"He's right."
508
00:30:40,922 --> 00:30:43,591
A bell rings.
509
00:30:44,133 --> 00:30:48,638
That means they've been tipped.
Tips are called "tokens."
510
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:52,725
They're tipped to fondle themselves.
511
00:30:54,310 --> 00:30:58,565
They respond to the bell with an action,
so, ting-a-ling
512
00:30:59,607 --> 00:31:00,441
Ring-a-ling.
513
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:02,902
Ting-a-ling.
514
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:04,988
Ring-a-ling.
515
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:08,950
If the room isn't soundproof,
516
00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:11,578
and the ice cream guy goes by…
517
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:17,292
Ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling.
518
00:31:18,501 --> 00:31:20,753
That would kill them.
519
00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:23,506
Or dehydrate them at least.
520
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:28,219
We have a lot to learn from camgirls.
521
00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:33,099
We should all have a room at home
that's set up for virtual events.
522
00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:36,477
That's our new reality,
and I don't think it's going away.
523
00:31:37,145 --> 00:31:39,564
A room at home for virtual events,
524
00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:43,484
for telecommuting, a virtual classroom
for the kids or for us.
525
00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:46,112
For a tutorial, for a conference,
526
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:49,032
even to record social media content.
527
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:53,202
Or a room where the mariachi band
can't interrupt you
528
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:55,496
with their 30 daily serenades.
529
00:31:57,206 --> 00:32:03,171
Remember how that also became popular?
Singing all day in front of the house?
530
00:32:03,254 --> 00:32:06,132
Remember we threw bills at them
for them to sing?
531
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,555
Then we threw coins at them
to shut them up.
532
00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:18,937
And there were peddlers interrupting
our telecommuting all day long.
533
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:24,484
What's the use of investing money
in an Apple Mac
534
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:27,820
if the noise comes through the "Windows"?
535
00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:34,661
Am I smart or what?
536
00:32:36,454 --> 00:32:39,082
You thought all my jokes
were about amputees? No.
537
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:46,005
So I'm trying to work on my Apple,
and outside I hear, "Apples."
538
00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:48,174
"Apples,
539
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:50,510
yummy apples."
540
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,804
"Get your apples."
541
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:57,350
With music and everything, right?
"Get your apples."
542
00:32:58,309 --> 00:32:59,602
"Apples."
543
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:06,442
Imagine trying to recite a poem
to the girl you like, virtually,
544
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,152
and peddlers
keep interrupting you outside,
545
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:11,114
while you go,
"I like you more than red wine."
546
00:33:11,197 --> 00:33:16,494
"You rouse all my emotions,
and I dream about playing those two…"
547
00:33:16,577 --> 00:33:18,204
"Lemons!"
548
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:23,167
"Of playing those two songs
I wrote for you
549
00:33:23,251 --> 00:33:27,213
inspired by your eyes that cuddle me,
fondle me all over to feel…"
550
00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:28,715
"Yucca!"
551
00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:33,094
"To show you how much you inspire me,
I will thrust…"
552
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:34,846
"Four bananas for 50 cents."
553
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,100
"…my heart into your hands
although your mother…"
554
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:41,894
"Copper, plastics, glass."
555
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,188
"…doesn't suspect you have…"
556
00:33:44,272 --> 00:33:45,690
"Smoking hot buns."
557
00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:49,110
"I'll open the balcony and smell your…"
558
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:51,237
"Fresh fish."
559
00:33:51,988 --> 00:33:53,281
Unbelievable.
560
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:55,116
Unbelievable.
561
00:33:58,161 --> 00:34:00,747
Peddlers are so annoying.
562
00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:03,624
They'll say I forget where I came from.
563
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:07,128
No, I was a peddler too.
They're just annoying.
564
00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:10,882
But I wish them well.
I want them to go far too.
565
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:12,759
Very far.
566
00:34:14,594 --> 00:34:17,555
Where we can't hear them, for Pete's sake.
567
00:34:17,638 --> 00:34:21,350
NASA should send all of them
to the moon in a rocket.
568
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:23,811
They can set up a flea market there.
569
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,063
NASA!
570
00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:26,939
If you're watching me, NASA--
571
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:29,984
I know they stopped researching
to watch my show.
572
00:34:31,194 --> 00:34:34,280
If you're watching,
it's a great business idea,
573
00:34:34,363 --> 00:34:36,449
sending peddlers to the moon.
574
00:34:36,532 --> 00:34:39,160
Because NASA knows how to make money.
575
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:43,581
Don't forget that,
in 2020, during the pandemic,
576
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:46,542
they launched a rocket into space,
remember?
577
00:34:46,626 --> 00:34:49,670
The SpaceX.
578
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:53,132
They launched a rocket
with two crew members
579
00:34:53,216 --> 00:34:56,260
as a prelude to space tourism.
580
00:34:56,761 --> 00:34:58,721
What does space tourism mean?
581
00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:02,433
That you can buy a ticket
to take a walk on the moon.
582
00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:03,810
Rich people could…
583
00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:06,479
"Ma'am, please take the lifesaver off."
584
00:35:08,064 --> 00:35:10,066
"That's for rich people, ma'am."
585
00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:12,735
Why are poor people so impulsive?
586
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:16,197
Rich people plan their vacation for years.
587
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,533
Say the word "trip" to poor guy
and that's it.
588
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:23,329
A poor guy's sitting on a corner
removing lice from a younger poor guy.
589
00:35:23,412 --> 00:35:25,873
And a poor neighbor goes by
in a poor guy's car
590
00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:27,416
and says to this poor guy, "Lokillo."
591
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,420
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
592
00:35:32,171 --> 00:35:35,258
"Let's go to the beach."
So they head for the beach.
593
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:38,010
And they phone the company midway.
594
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,012
"Boss, I think I'm sick."
595
00:35:42,306 --> 00:35:46,394
No, space tourism is for the wealthy.
596
00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:47,895
Only the wealthy.
597
00:35:47,979 --> 00:35:53,526
Rich people are getting ready
to move to another planet.
598
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:56,279
Did you know land is for sale on the moon?
599
00:35:57,029 --> 00:36:00,741
It's true.
They're selling land on the moon.
600
00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:03,870
People bought land on the moon,
for Pete's sake!
601
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:07,081
Rich people aren't stupid.
602
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,750
They'd be poor if they were stupid.
603
00:36:10,710 --> 00:36:15,256
Rich people are leaving Earth
before there's another pandemic.
604
00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:19,844
Rich people will move to another planet
to avoid contact with what?
605
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:22,138
With peddlers. No.
606
00:36:22,221 --> 00:36:23,639
With viruses.
607
00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:28,436
Don't be surprised
if a being from the future appears,
608
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:30,771
a special being from outer space,
609
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:35,359
to warn us about human migration
to other worlds.
610
00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:48,289
Landing
611
00:36:52,835 --> 00:36:54,128
Landing
612
00:36:58,925 --> 00:37:00,676
Landing
613
00:37:14,857 --> 00:37:15,691
Run!
614
00:37:16,525 --> 00:37:17,860
Run!
615
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:21,030
Run!
616
00:37:21,572 --> 00:37:23,783
Close all airports!
617
00:37:23,866 --> 00:37:26,452
Do not eat that bat soup!
618
00:37:26,535 --> 00:37:29,163
No, really. A pandemic is coming.
619
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:32,375
It already did?
620
00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:41,259
I miscalculated my landing.
621
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:50,101
Then I'll warn you
about the asteroid Apophis,
622
00:37:50,184 --> 00:37:52,687
which will strike in 2036.
623
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:57,817
Then you'll all be
a vulnerable population.
624
00:37:59,026 --> 00:37:59,860
Yes.
625
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:02,780
Where are my manners?
626
00:38:02,863 --> 00:38:05,324
I am Rastacuando.
627
00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,411
A time-traveling messenger
628
00:38:09,578 --> 00:38:12,081
from the pluperfect future.
629
00:38:15,251 --> 00:38:18,004
And I bring you good tidings.
630
00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,589
But first, I'll explain.
631
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:24,051
We managed to settle Mars in time.
632
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:25,761
Yes.
633
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:28,931
Remember the spaceship SpaceX?
634
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:30,808
With two crew members?
635
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:36,022
There were 50 domestic workers
in the spaceship's hold.
636
00:38:39,358 --> 00:38:43,696
Fifty cleaners
who had to prepare the planet
637
00:38:43,779 --> 00:38:48,701
for the arrival of the wealthy
and the planet's brightest people.
638
00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:51,954
Those women made beds.
639
00:38:54,790 --> 00:38:57,460
Mended the black holes.
640
00:38:59,545 --> 00:39:02,590
Swept the stardust.
641
00:39:04,884 --> 00:39:07,303
Until everything was ready.
642
00:39:08,971 --> 00:39:11,724
Several years later another ship took off
643
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,643
with Earth's wealthiest and brightest
644
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:18,981
to replenish the human race on Mars.
645
00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:24,904
The spaceship had 50 seats.
646
00:39:24,987 --> 00:39:29,742
Fifty seats distributed like this.
647
00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,205
Twenty-eight seats
648
00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:40,753
for the planet's wealthiest people.
649
00:39:40,836 --> 00:39:43,756
Only rich people. Filthy rich.
650
00:39:44,465 --> 00:39:47,343
And I mean rich!
651
00:39:48,219 --> 00:39:50,388
People you look at and say,
652
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:51,305
"Rich."
653
00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:59,021
Filthy rich people
with lots of jewels, watches,
654
00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:03,150
and diamond-studded masks.
655
00:40:04,110 --> 00:40:09,240
And old ladies with tiny dogs
shitting in a Louis Vuitton bag.
656
00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,201
Only the rich, guys.
657
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,496
Twenty-eight seats.
658
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:19,875
Fourteen seats.
659
00:40:22,294 --> 00:40:23,879
Twenty-eight, 29, 30…
660
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:28,801
Fourteen seats
661
00:40:30,136 --> 00:40:34,515
for planet Earth's
brightest medical doctors.
662
00:40:34,598 --> 00:40:37,685
They finally realized health is vital.
663
00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:41,272
The first line of defense.
They finally remembered the MDs.
664
00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:45,359
So, 19 seats for medical doctors.
665
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,111
Twenty-four, three, four.
666
00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:50,197
Fourteen seats
667
00:40:51,031 --> 00:40:54,368
for the most important medical doctors,
668
00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:58,080
for Earth's most distinguished
medical doctors and scientists.
669
00:40:58,164 --> 00:41:01,375
Doctors who were always leading the way.
670
00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:05,379
Except the prostate doctor
who was always behind.
671
00:41:06,964 --> 00:41:07,840
That's right.
672
00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,844
Twelve, 14, 24.
673
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,854
There were 43 seats left.
674
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:24,231
What?
675
00:41:27,401 --> 00:41:29,320
Twenty-nine seats…
676
00:41:32,239 --> 00:41:38,662
for planet Earth's brightest thinkers.
677
00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:40,623
Only Nobel Prize winners.
678
00:41:40,706 --> 00:41:43,334
Only intelligent people.
679
00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,545
Philosophers.
680
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,506
Philologists.
681
00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:51,550
Phosphorous.
682
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:56,805
Phosphorescent.
683
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:02,269
And distinguished political leaders.
684
00:42:02,353 --> 00:42:04,313
Only political leaders.
685
00:42:05,064 --> 00:42:09,735
They even had to have
Donald Trump escorted outside.
686
00:42:09,818 --> 00:42:11,070
He grabbed a seat,
687
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:12,696
and wouldn't let it go.
688
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,907
"It's mine now."
689
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:18,911
No way.
690
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:22,957
Forty-four, forty-seven.
691
00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:25,459
Twenty-nine.
692
00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,296
Two seats
693
00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:34,843
for the best Spanish-speaking comedians.
694
00:42:36,679 --> 00:42:41,058
Laughter is important to humans here,
or on any other planet.
695
00:42:42,685 --> 00:42:45,479
The two best and brightest comedians.
696
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:50,943
The most revolutionary, the most renowned,
the two best Spanish-speaking humorists.
697
00:42:51,026 --> 00:42:53,320
And I know you guys are psychos,
698
00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:56,865
and you want to know
who those two humorists are, right?
699
00:42:57,658 --> 00:42:59,493
You want to know.
700
00:43:01,453 --> 00:43:04,873
I don't know, I was so tired
I slept on the two seats.
701
00:43:04,957 --> 00:43:08,335
I don't know who got on board.
702
00:43:16,969 --> 00:43:19,930
Thirty-seven, thirty-four.
703
00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:23,559
There were two seats left.
704
00:43:25,185 --> 00:43:27,646
The stewardesses' seats.
705
00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:31,275
But since one of them
sat on the pilot's lap…
706
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:34,945
her seat was vacant.
707
00:43:35,654 --> 00:43:38,866
And the seat was assigned to
708
00:43:40,659 --> 00:43:43,370
a mariachi band of 15 musicians.
709
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:48,250
All 15 of them fit on it.
710
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:51,295
You say,
"No way would they fit, Rastacuando."
711
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:54,506
No, they practiced in those tiny vans.
712
00:43:56,925 --> 00:44:00,304
They were able to fit on it
with all their instruments.
713
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:04,767
All the way there,
they played the stewardess's cucaracha.
714
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:06,810
She was such a slut.
715
00:44:08,228 --> 00:44:11,065
I woke up halfway there,
716
00:44:11,148 --> 00:44:14,068
and I even sang the stewardess a song.
717
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:15,903
What?
718
00:44:15,986 --> 00:44:18,155
A stellar kind of love, dude
719
00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:20,240
A space-age kind of love
720
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,409
A special kind of love…
721
00:44:22,493 --> 00:44:26,705
It's called "Planetary Passion
That Unites Us In The Cosmos Of Love."
722
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:32,670
Hey there, lady
723
00:44:32,753 --> 00:44:35,506
Why don't you talk to me
724
00:44:36,006 --> 00:44:39,426
About the planets
725
00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:42,471
You're watching through your window?
726
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,556
Show me Uranus
727
00:44:46,517 --> 00:44:47,976
Show me Uranus
728
00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,647
Show me Uranus
729
00:44:53,315 --> 00:44:55,818
So round and dark
730
00:44:57,111 --> 00:45:00,114
Yes, woman, and let me see
731
00:45:00,197 --> 00:45:03,242
Your mound of Venus too
732
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:06,453
And in Uranus the rings
733
00:45:06,537 --> 00:45:08,914
Of Jupiter
734
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:13,377
If there's another star in your life
735
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:16,130
I'll understand
736
00:45:17,339 --> 00:45:20,259
If I was jealous on Earth
737
00:45:20,926 --> 00:45:23,220
I won't be jealous here
738
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:27,516
I admit that
739
00:45:28,934 --> 00:45:32,146
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
740
00:45:32,229 --> 00:45:35,441
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
741
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:39,570
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
742
00:45:40,612 --> 00:45:46,160
But that's all behind us now
743
00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:04,887
You might ask why I came
all the way from the future.
744
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,225
Remember I said I had good tidings?
745
00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:18,108
Well, since they only sent
billionaires and geniuses
746
00:46:18,192 --> 00:46:19,693
on that last flight,
747
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:22,696
it's very boring over there.
748
00:46:24,865 --> 00:46:27,242
Only good people? No!
749
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,246
There are no thieves.
750
00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:37,503
No cops because there are no thieves.
751
00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:40,923
No dead people
752
00:46:41,799 --> 00:46:43,133
because there are no cops.
753
00:46:49,223 --> 00:46:52,935
So, the interplanetary agencies,
754
00:46:53,018 --> 00:46:54,728
together with NASA,
755
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,815
decided to launch a final flight,
756
00:46:57,898 --> 00:47:01,026
but for the dregs of society this time.
757
00:47:01,109 --> 00:47:04,988
Why? Because everything is balanced
in the universe, right?
758
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:06,490
Light and dark.
759
00:47:06,573 --> 00:47:08,158
Good and bad.
760
00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,160
Jeans and T-shirts.
761
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,713
So, along this line of thinking,
762
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:24,925
there will be a flight
for unpleasant people.
763
00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:26,677
Bad people.
764
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:31,056
Losers, poor people, ugly people.
765
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:33,350
People with nothing to live for.
766
00:47:33,433 --> 00:47:34,935
Stupid people.
767
00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:37,563
Despicable people.
768
00:47:42,150 --> 00:47:44,236
And that, obviously,
769
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:47,573
gives you guys a chance.
770
00:47:48,282 --> 00:47:49,575
Yes!
771
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:53,620
Yes!
772
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:58,584
Be proud.
773
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:04,882
On that flight,
there will only be two security guards.
774
00:48:08,552 --> 00:48:10,012
Why two security guards?
775
00:48:10,554 --> 00:48:12,598
One to sleep during the day.
776
00:48:16,935 --> 00:48:19,021
And another to sleep at night.
777
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:26,695
The rest of them
will get a form like this to fill out.
778
00:48:34,411 --> 00:48:38,123
"Application for project:
How to Make Matters Worse."
779
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:45,505
You may travel if you meet
one or more requirements.
780
00:48:49,593 --> 00:48:52,137
With one or more of these requirements.
781
00:48:55,641 --> 00:49:00,604
If you pretend to be asleep on the bus
to avoid giving up your seat…
782
00:49:03,857 --> 00:49:05,609
to a pregnant woman…
783
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:10,113
especially if it's your pregnant wife…
784
00:49:13,992 --> 00:49:15,327
you may travel.
785
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:27,673
If you use your granddad
to do your banking transactions…
786
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:34,805
because they let him cut in line…
787
00:49:38,558 --> 00:49:40,060
you may travel.
788
00:49:40,143 --> 00:49:42,771
Hey, no, don't do that to old people.
789
00:49:43,313 --> 00:49:45,774
Don't do that to Grandpa.
790
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:50,112
Don't put him in danger on the street.
Go on.
791
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:54,241
Get rid of him.
Send him to a nursing home.
792
00:49:54,324 --> 00:49:55,867
They're annoying.
793
00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:08,380
If you sneak in a counterfeit bill
because somebody screwed you over too…
794
00:50:10,340 --> 00:50:13,343
Raise your hand if you've been screwed.
795
00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:30,068
If, when you go to the movies,
796
00:50:31,153 --> 00:50:34,114
you buy cheap tickets
797
00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:39,369
and, when the movie starts,
you switch to premium seating…
798
00:50:41,371 --> 00:50:44,499
That is so annoying!
799
00:50:45,542 --> 00:50:50,589
You go to see the genius Lokillo's movie
800
00:50:51,089 --> 00:50:53,425
and you're in your premium seat,
801
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:56,928
comfortable, quiet, not hurting anyone.
802
00:50:57,012 --> 00:50:59,347
Like a decent person.
803
00:51:03,226 --> 00:51:06,104
And when the lights go out
and the movie starts,
804
00:51:06,188 --> 00:51:10,817
you see this row of miserable dogs
moving forward
805
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:14,362
and sitting next to you.
806
00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:16,531
Here!
807
00:51:17,449 --> 00:51:19,284
The security guard realizes
808
00:51:19,367 --> 00:51:23,872
none of us have premium tickets
and he makes us move.
809
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:28,460
Yes.
810
00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:33,757
But guess what the best news is?
811
00:51:35,008 --> 00:51:38,553
That on the last flight
there will be no Asians,
812
00:51:38,637 --> 00:51:42,140
or Europeans, or Gringos, or anything.
813
00:51:42,224 --> 00:51:44,935
Only Latin Americans.
814
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:49,356
Only Latin Americans.
815
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,192
Because it's a scientific fact
816
00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:56,655
that we Latin Americans
have more defense mechanisms.
817
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:58,115
Yes.
818
00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:01,409
Because we were sent to war as kids.
819
00:52:01,493 --> 00:52:06,123
We Latin Americans are well-trained.
820
00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:11,086
Be proud to be Latin Americans.
821
00:52:12,629 --> 00:52:14,506
We have more defense mechanisms.
822
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:20,262
Latin Americans
823
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:23,014
Have so many defenses
824
00:52:23,098 --> 00:52:25,517
Because of the way we were raised
825
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,186
And we're not ashamed of it
826
00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:30,021
If we drop some food
827
00:52:30,772 --> 00:52:32,983
We pick it back up
828
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:36,194
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
829
00:52:36,278 --> 00:52:38,446
We blow it off and eat it
830
00:52:39,906 --> 00:52:41,950
The same soda
831
00:52:42,033 --> 00:52:45,036
Is shared by ten
And that way
832
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:47,455
It's the last one who drinks
833
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:49,958
Everybody's backwash
834
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:53,420
Going to the bathroom to do number two
835
00:52:53,503 --> 00:52:55,839
Chatting with your woman
836
00:52:56,673 --> 00:52:59,718
Then without wiping the screen
Or washing our hands
837
00:52:59,801 --> 00:53:01,469
We put it on our ears
838
00:53:02,095 --> 00:53:05,265
Latin Americans
839
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:08,059
Have so many defenses
840
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:10,395
Because of the way we were raised
841
00:53:10,478 --> 00:53:12,939
And we're not ashamed of it
842
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:15,609
If there's no clean underwear
843
00:53:16,151 --> 00:53:18,195
Wearing it inside out is okay
844
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:21,448
And if our ear itches
845
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:23,700
We stick a key in there
846
00:53:24,951 --> 00:53:26,620
We use a bag
847
00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:29,706
As dental floss
848
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:32,918
And drink water from the pool
849
00:53:33,001 --> 00:53:35,212
Which is a urinal for kids
850
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:40,842
We sweep the floor
And sweep the dust under the rug
851
00:53:41,343 --> 00:53:44,054
And the dog that licked another dog's butt
852
00:53:44,137 --> 00:53:46,973
Comes and French kisses us
853
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:50,644
Latin Americans
854
00:53:50,727 --> 00:53:53,271
Have so many defenses
855
00:53:53,355 --> 00:53:55,440
Because of the way we were raised
856
00:53:55,941 --> 00:53:58,568
And we're not ashamed of it
857
00:53:58,652 --> 00:54:01,488
Latin Americans
858
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,241
Have so many defenses
859
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:07,786
We will survive
860
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:12,540
See you in the future
861
00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:14,501
Blessed love, guys.
862
00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:24,052
Hey!
863
00:54:26,012 --> 00:54:27,055
I'm here!
864
00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:29,891
I came from the past.
865
00:54:31,101 --> 00:54:35,397
I was in a warehouse
that looked like a prison.
866
00:54:36,982 --> 00:54:40,694
Loaded with thieves and prostitu--
867
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:48,076
Dudes and protestants.
868
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:15,061
Did you believe everything he said?
869
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:17,314
I did.
870
00:55:18,106 --> 00:55:21,192
Sure I did. It makes a lot of sense.
871
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:24,654
Because human beings
destroyed this planet.
872
00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,614
We destroyed the planet.
873
00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:30,368
What else can we do
but look for another planet to colonize?
874
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:35,874
And they need to take us Latinos
to colonize it.
875
00:55:36,833 --> 00:55:39,169
Especially Colombians.
876
00:55:39,252 --> 00:55:42,422
Who else can spice things up
on another planet?
877
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:44,049
We Colombians.
878
00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:48,094
Besides, the pandemic made Colombians
much more sensitive.
879
00:55:49,512 --> 00:55:51,181
We know the world is ending.
880
00:55:51,264 --> 00:55:54,309
So, drink up, have fun,
have sex, the end is near.
881
00:55:54,392 --> 00:55:56,978
"Wash your hands." What for?
882
00:55:57,062 --> 00:56:00,273
I suck my fingers clean
after having chicken.
883
00:56:01,775 --> 00:56:04,778
"No going out."
What do you mean "no going out"?
884
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:08,323
I'll forge a doctor's ID if I have to,
but I'm going out today.
885
00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,950
Or I'll go out in an animal suit.
886
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:13,161
Because that was great.
887
00:56:13,661 --> 00:56:17,582
Remember the animals
that appeared during the pandemic?
888
00:56:18,458 --> 00:56:20,085
What a powerful message.
889
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:21,544
Animals reappearing.
890
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:24,214
Animals reappearing in deserted cities.
891
00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:30,053
What a lovely message,
the animals felt free
892
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:32,514
when we beasts were locked in.
893
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:36,726
Hell of a statement!
894
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:38,895
Hey, write that down, please.
895
00:56:39,437 --> 00:56:40,480
Mark it "anonymous."
896
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,192
That was beautiful.
897
00:56:44,859 --> 00:56:46,945
Seeing the animals again.
898
00:56:47,028 --> 00:56:50,448
Nanny goats in Spain appeared
with their kids,
899
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:52,033
without their bullying billys.
900
00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:55,078
Boar and deer appeared.
901
00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:57,956
A bat appeared in China and they ate it.
902
00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:03,545
We heard some felines
that we thought were extinct.
903
00:57:04,754 --> 00:57:09,467
Los Tigres del Norte,
La Tigresa del Oriente, El Puma.
904
00:57:11,052 --> 00:57:13,763
Dolphins went back to the bays.
905
00:57:14,931 --> 00:57:17,934
Two more weeks
and a Tyrannosaurus would've shown up.
906
00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:19,978
That's right.
907
00:57:20,061 --> 00:57:24,190
I wouldn't be surprised if,
during another pandemic, God forbid,
908
00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,569
animals came back
determined to take over the planet.
909
00:57:27,652 --> 00:57:31,698
They'll come back as leaders next time.
Imagine an animal in office?
910
00:57:32,574 --> 00:57:33,992
There's one in Venezuela.
911
00:57:35,660 --> 00:57:37,454
And here in Colombia too.
912
00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:40,707
Not true. That one isn't a leader.
913
00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:48,673
Imagine animals side to side with us
in society, treating us as equals?
914
00:57:48,756 --> 00:57:51,718
Imagine an elephant as a business manager?
915
00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:55,805
Walk into a meeting,
and he's curling his trunk angrily at us.
916
00:58:00,059 --> 00:58:05,607
Or a beetle as a musical producer,
playing Bad Bunny's last song.
917
00:58:07,025 --> 00:58:08,234
"What a piece of shit!"
918
00:58:09,194 --> 00:58:12,197
"I love it. We'll all love it."
919
00:58:13,656 --> 00:58:16,534
Animals have been gaining ground
for a long time.
920
00:58:16,618 --> 00:58:19,621
There are quite a few Hollywood stars
among them.
921
00:58:20,163 --> 00:58:23,374
Like Lassie, Babe,
922
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:27,253
101 Dalmatians,
Free Willy, Doctor Dolittle,
923
00:58:27,337 --> 00:58:29,422
and the Kardashians, right?
924
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:33,134
No, the bitches don't have a movie yet.
925
00:58:34,010 --> 00:58:37,263
At least,
I haven't seen their movie on Netflix.
926
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:41,476
And I watched Netflix all the time
during lockdown, like you guys.
927
00:58:41,559 --> 00:58:44,521
It was great having Netflix
during lockdown.
928
00:58:45,813 --> 00:58:46,981
Man!
929
00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:49,901
We finally saw entire movies, right?
930
00:58:49,984 --> 00:58:52,487
It used to be an excuse to have sex.
931
00:58:52,570 --> 00:58:56,324
Who didn't use the line,
"Want to watch a Netflix movie at home?"
932
00:58:56,407 --> 00:58:59,452
You started with a comedy
and ended up being naughty.
933
00:59:00,203 --> 00:59:05,375
I watched all the Netflix movies.
I remember everything. I saw everything.
934
00:59:05,458 --> 00:59:09,170
The horror movies impressed me more.
Maybe you saw them too.
935
00:59:09,254 --> 00:59:12,173
Huge horror movies, like Annabelle.
936
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:18,221
It was all about Annabelle,
the doll that moves on its own.
937
00:59:18,930 --> 00:59:20,348
I wasn't scared at all
938
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:23,685
because I've been seeing
a moving doll since I was 14.
939
00:59:25,228 --> 00:59:31,317
In documentaries,
I saw the history of World Wars.
940
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,404
The first and the second.
I think the third is coming soon.
941
00:59:36,155 --> 00:59:39,075
In dramas I saw-- Remember that drama?
942
00:59:39,617 --> 00:59:40,952
It made everybody cry.
943
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:44,038
It's about
an intellectually disabled dad and…
944
00:59:46,374 --> 00:59:47,250
And you too.
945
00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:48,626
Hey, a dad…
946
00:59:50,128 --> 00:59:54,257
No. You guys saw it too.
947
00:59:58,136 --> 00:59:59,637
No, you guys saw it too.
948
01:00:04,934 --> 01:00:06,644
You saw it too.
949
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:10,148
A dad with an intellectual disability
who has a little girl,
950
01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:13,943
and he is imprisoned by mistake
and the girl… Remember?
951
01:00:14,027 --> 01:00:15,111
I didn't like it.
952
01:00:15,194 --> 01:00:17,196
Maybe I have a heart of stone.
953
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:20,283
It's a nice story,
but it didn't move me that much.
954
01:00:20,366 --> 01:00:24,245
I saw it with some friends
who were like this the whole time.
955
01:00:31,794 --> 01:00:35,048
Until I told them
to stop bringing drugs to my place.
956
01:00:35,131 --> 01:00:36,674
"Show some respect."
957
01:00:37,300 --> 01:00:39,427
And in action movies I saw…
958
01:00:39,510 --> 01:00:41,554
The one about the saga about…
959
01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:44,849
About an angry guy
with premature ejaculation.
960
01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:46,309
What's it called?
961
01:00:47,727 --> 01:00:48,853
Fast and Furious.
962
01:00:50,688 --> 01:00:53,107
I checked the stand-up comedy list,
963
01:00:53,941 --> 01:00:55,026
and I wasn't on it.
964
01:00:55,943 --> 01:00:58,404
So I said, "Dear God, I must be on it."
965
01:00:58,488 --> 01:01:01,616
"Lokillito from Dabeiba, Antioquía,
must be on Netflix."
966
01:01:01,699 --> 01:01:04,994
"We need to shoot it in Medellín
with a local audience."
967
01:01:05,078 --> 01:01:08,247
"And we need to be on Netflix now!"
968
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:14,212
For two basic reasons.
969
01:01:14,295 --> 01:01:16,756
First, we're gonna get hit by an asteroid.
970
01:01:17,965 --> 01:01:19,008
Rastacuando warned us.
971
01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:21,177
And secondly,
972
01:01:21,719 --> 01:01:24,889
because if we learned anything
from this pandemic,
973
01:01:25,848 --> 01:01:29,936
it is that laughter is the only thing
we should spread all over the world.
974
01:03:19,837 --> 01:03:24,842
Subtitle translation by: Ricardo Espinoza