WEBVTT FILE
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Sorry. You lost.
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Nothing is the same…
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Buddy!
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Hey, baby.
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For better or for worse…
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Nice to see you. I'll be in touch.
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Because nothing is the same
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It's better to laugh than cry
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Laughing is better than crying
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You need to live any way you can
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While you're still alive
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It's the crises that help you grow
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I can handle all of them
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The planet keeps spinning
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But it never gets dizzy
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Nothing is the same
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For better or for worse
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Always moving forward
Never backwards
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Because nothing is the same
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LOKILLO
NOTHING IS THE SAME
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How are you doing?
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Wow, I can't believe
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I'm doing a live show with an audience,
no matter how small,
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considering what the planet
has been through recently, but anyway…
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I'm Lokillo Flórez.
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Thanks for being here,
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complying with all
the "bio-happiness" protocols.
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You might ask why we're here,
in this magical, deserted warehouse.
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For two reasons.
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First, it's a romantic setting.
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And secondly, because of our budget.
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I wanted to shoot the show
in a residential community,
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in a small plaza,
with the neighbors as our audience,
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laughing with their families
on the balconies.
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Sadly, the regulatory authority
for these cases wouldn't allow it.
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The highest authority.
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The standard-setter with the power
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to permit these kinds of events
in residential units.
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Which is?
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The security guard.
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The moron didn't let me in!
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So I got there,
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and when a security guard says no,
they mean no.
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Even if it's President Putin's mother.
"Mrs. Putin, no is no."
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I'm standing there and he goes,
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"The gentleman says he's from…
Where are you from, buddy?"
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"Hi. I'm here to shoot a Netflix show."
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"Nenfis?"
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"Netflix."
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"Nedis?"
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"Netflix."
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"He says he's here to take a selfix."
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"Permission denied."
And they didn't let me in.
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So we used this depot with no balconies,
but also no security guards.
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We're shooting this show,
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which is more of a testimony
for future generations,
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to tell them
that during this period of time
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the world as we knew it changed,
nothing is the same anymore.
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We had to drop everything we were used to,
our habits, hobbies, and activities.
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Something as simple as shaking hands,
we had to stop doing it
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to greet people using something
with a three-letter word.
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A lady at home asks, "With your ass?"
No, lady, with your elbow.
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But it's not the same.
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We humans
have been shaking hands for ages.
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Do you know
where the handshake originated?
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The handshake originated
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in ancient civilizations.
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If you don't know a date
and you want to look smart, say,
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"In ancient civilizations."
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Sure, nobody can say,
"I was there and that's not true."
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The handshake, the high five,
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they are among the nicest gestures
we Westerners have.
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The Asians,
who've always been smarter than us,
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use a thousand-year-old greeting
that has survived pandemics.
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Which is?
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Bowing.
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A bow that places them
almost at a right angle.
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Why is it called a right angle?
Because that angle…
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goes right up your butt.
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No, we Westerners, especially Latinos,
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need to make physical contact
to greet each other.
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Don't you miss physical contact?
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We like touching, patting, punching.
"What's up?"
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"What's up, you crook?" "Playing dumb?"
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"Here's a good-luck kick."
"Hey, buddy." "Hey, kid."
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"What's up, you moron?"
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That had to happen
before they coined the term, right?
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"He must be a moron."
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And we certainly need physical contact
with chicks, but of the romantic kind.
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"Hey, girl."
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We need to kiss.
Latinos need our little pecks.
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"María Cristina, how are you, honey?"
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"Camilita, you're so grown up!"
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"What's up, María Laura, honey?"
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Yes, romantic.
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But we were told
no more kissing on the lips.
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It was hard for me
to stop kissing on the lips
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because my wife is the only person
I never kiss on the lips.
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But how can we kiss with masks on?
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I couldn't take it anymore.
I started kissing on top of the masks.
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But kissing with a mask
is worse than sucking a tit in a bra.
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It makes no sense.
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And, when we realized
we couldn't make any physical contact,
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we had no idea
how to greet a friend on the street.
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Remember those first days?
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They used an elbow and you an ankle.
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It was like playing with Messi.
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Because nobody came up
with an official greeting.
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Like my first trip to Argentina.
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Argentine men greet each other
with a kiss on the cheek.
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And we don't expect that,
Colombians stick a hand out and…
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"Hey. What's up-- Hey!"
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So you don't know what to do.
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Especially because Argentinians are tall,
with intimidating blue eyes.
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Not even governments knew
what to tell us about greeting.
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Not even they knew.
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Remember when Latin American presidents
said on national TV,
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"Stop shaking hands.
From now on, only do fist bumps."
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When the president said do fist bumps,
I remembered my dad.
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He used his fist on my mom all his life.
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Then they said no fist bumps either.
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So I think we urgently need
to find a new way to greet each other.
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But a greeting that survives pandemics,
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and isn't in danger of extinction,
such as the handshake.
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I humbly suggest…
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I'm putting it on the table…
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From now on, we'll greet each other
by putting our private parts together.
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It's not dirty, ma'am.
Look at it as revolutionary.
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Let's use our private parts
to greet each other fearlessly.
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"What's up?" Bang.
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"Hello." Bang.
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"What's up, dude?" Bang, bang, fearlessly.
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Let's get our things together, guys.
It's so easy.
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And you can't catch the new virus
like that.
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You can catch other's viruses,
but only those we're accustomed to.
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We develop antibodies.
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There were new TV campaigns
showing us how to wash our hands.
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We didn't know how to wash our hands.
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Remember the video that went viral
on WhatsApp and all the social media,
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explaining how to wash our hands?
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We learned it's with both hands,
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between the fingers,
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the thumbs,
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the pothead scratching a palm…
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I saw that, and I said,
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"If we haven't washed our hands correctly
all this time,
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how are we cleaning our butts?"
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No.
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We're lucky there isn't a butt virus.
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Imagine a butt virus?
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"Wash it every 20 minutes."
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"Go outside with a butt mask on."
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"Use the mandatory butt sanitizer."
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What would we do with no hands?
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Imagine us
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with no hands at a concert
without being able to do this.
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Well, not us. Our parents.
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That's what our aunts and dads did.
We kids don't do that.
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We only raise our hands
to dance for a TikTok.
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The crazy TikTok chicks dance like this.
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I don't dance like that
because I'm a rapper, son.
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Everybody, put your hands up
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or be edited out.
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You won't be in the video.
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Your hands.
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Latin Americans
We still work hand in hand in the barrio
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Under governments
That won't give us a hand
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I win at poker
I have the best hand
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I date your daughter
But I never ask for her hand
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A bird in hand is worth two in the bush
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The cop yells, "Hands on your head"
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And my buddies are right at hand
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My friends, my buddies, my brothers
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I'm glad we're washing our hands
because I looked it up
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and on just one human hand
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there are more than 150 kinds of bacteria.
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Think about where that hand was
before shaking it.
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Do your homework.
Next time, smell that hand discreetly.
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Try it out. Smell it.
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"How are you? Okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
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"Smells like onion."
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"This one's been cooking."
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"Nice to meet you."
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"Nicotine. This one was smoking."
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"How are you?" "Fine, brother."
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"Smells like vinegar and cheese."
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"He took his girl to the movies."
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No, thank God that we now in the habit
of washing our hands often.
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You know what's the problem is?
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We wash our hands every two hours,
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but we dry them with a towel
we haven't washed in two months.
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Think about that towel back home.
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That body-and-hands towel
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that you use to dry the car
and clean your sneakers.
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That filthy towel.
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All Latin American homes
have a towel like that.
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The towel you throw away as a kid
and it pops up again.
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It just won't go away.
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You move from house to house,
and it follows you around.
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What's more, it helps you move.
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Who hasn't wrapped a mirror
or a TV set in a towel?
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That's when it shows up.
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And the towel has different textures
because it's so woolly.
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It looks like tripe stew when it's wet.
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And it's as rough as toast when it's dry.
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So it both dries you and sands you.
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It's the indestructible towel.
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They say if there's a nuclear war,
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guess what'll be
the only thing to survive.
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-Roaches.
-Roaches and towels.
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Ma'am, please,
don't ruin the Netflix show.
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No, it makes sense.
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The lady says the roaches
hide among those towels
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as the blast wave expands.
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Washing our hands makes sense, guys.
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Why won't we wash our hands?
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Our hands are what we,
as human beings, use most.
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Those that have hands.
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Right? No.
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Because if you don't have hands…
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What are handless people washing?
They'll get one hell of a butt virus.
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No, I don't want to be rude, I don't.
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Are any of you handless?
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Raise your hand.
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No, guys, no!
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So, here we are,
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adapting to these new realities,
these new rules of coexistence.
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Because a virus showed us
how vulnerable we human beings are.
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It's the only thing that,
for a while, made us feel equal.
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Your race, sex, religion, language,
none of that mattered.
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It didn't matter
whether you were rich or poor.
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Because regardless if you lived
in a mansion or in a wooden hut,
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you still had to stay inside.
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If you were divorcing your wife,
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I hope you didn't get your divorce papers
during the pandemic
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because that would be a mess.
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Imagine you're in the middle of it,
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paying your attorneys,
you didn't even get to keep the kids.
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"Free at last!"
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00:14:48.971 --> 00:14:51.849
"Stay away from me.
That's your corner and this is mine."
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00:14:52.391 --> 00:14:55.853
What about the guy that, in early 2020,
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quit his job to work freelance?
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00:14:59.899 --> 00:15:02.776
No. Don't be like that.
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00:15:04.653 --> 00:15:06.864
No, the guy that had his teeth fixed,
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00:15:06.947 --> 00:15:10.075
and the treatment was completed
when the pandemic hit.
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Imagine having a mouthful of wires
for a couple of years
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00:15:15.372 --> 00:15:19.001
to straighten teeth
that looked like a piranha high on coke.
251
00:15:21.211 --> 00:15:23.005
Then he finally has a decent smile,
252
00:15:23.088 --> 00:15:25.883
and he has to use a mask
after the treatment is done.
253
00:15:27.384 --> 00:15:30.054
Those who were getting some huge tattoos,
254
00:15:30.137 --> 00:15:32.389
that are done in sections,
255
00:15:32.473 --> 00:15:35.309
and now have a section missing
because of the lockdown.
256
00:15:35.392 --> 00:15:38.562
My friend Daniela
had a tattoo started on her arm
257
00:15:38.646 --> 00:15:40.648
that would've said "honor."
258
00:15:43.609 --> 00:15:46.111
When lockdown started,
they had only got to "ho…"
259
00:15:46.987 --> 00:15:48.572
Tough luck, right?
260
00:15:49.073 --> 00:15:51.075
What a coincidence! Because she's a…
261
00:15:53.243 --> 00:15:58.457
What about the guy that woke up
from a coma during lockdown?
262
00:16:00.793 --> 00:16:05.255
There are real cases of people who woke up
from a coma during lockdown.
263
00:16:05.339 --> 00:16:08.092
The case of the soccer player
is the most interesting.
264
00:16:08.175 --> 00:16:10.636
He was in isolation for three years.
265
00:16:11.136 --> 00:16:12.346
See? In a coma.
266
00:16:13.389 --> 00:16:14.515
It's the same thing.
267
00:16:16.100 --> 00:16:17.351
Man! Three years!
268
00:16:18.060 --> 00:16:20.729
So, when that unfortunate event occurred
269
00:16:20.813 --> 00:16:24.149
he had no idea
that we would be in this situation.
270
00:16:24.233 --> 00:16:27.778
Imagine waking up from a coma
during a pandemic.
271
00:16:30.906 --> 00:16:31.907
"Ma'am."
272
00:16:33.283 --> 00:16:34.159
"Ma'am."
273
00:16:37.162 --> 00:16:39.456
Please let me focus on my coma.
274
00:16:40.791 --> 00:16:43.252
You'd wake up a guy in a coma.
275
00:16:44.336 --> 00:16:46.505
Let's continue. "Ma'am."
276
00:16:51.093 --> 00:16:51.969
"Ma'am."
277
00:16:55.180 --> 00:16:57.808
"I'm back! Oh my God, I'm back!"
278
00:16:57.891 --> 00:17:01.103
"I made it back!
Yes! I want to enjoy every moment."
279
00:17:01.186 --> 00:17:02.521
"Don't move."
280
00:17:04.231 --> 00:17:07.109
"We can't leave, sir.
We're in a lockdown."
281
00:17:07.651 --> 00:17:09.737
"A lock what? Why?"
282
00:17:09.820 --> 00:17:12.364
"I want to go outside and do something."
283
00:17:12.448 --> 00:17:14.575
"We're going live in 30 minutes,
284
00:17:16.243 --> 00:17:17.995
if you want to be reconnected."
285
00:17:18.078 --> 00:17:20.914
No way. Not that.
286
00:17:21.415 --> 00:17:23.083
No, not that.
287
00:17:25.127 --> 00:17:26.253
Not that.
288
00:17:28.172 --> 00:17:29.715
No. You're so cruel.
289
00:17:31.967 --> 00:17:34.887
The amputee guy goes,
"I have no hands to clap with."
290
00:17:39.183 --> 00:17:41.810
The ladies that had butt lifts
291
00:17:41.894 --> 00:17:44.188
and breast implants
to get sugar daddies…
292
00:17:44.772 --> 00:17:46.940
because it's a good investment.
293
00:17:48.317 --> 00:17:50.861
And we all got locked in. Tough luck.
294
00:17:50.944 --> 00:17:54.573
You should've used the silicone money
for a good phone plan
295
00:17:54.656 --> 00:17:58.535
because you even had to hook up
over a video call,
296
00:17:59.578 --> 00:18:02.873
which I think benefits men a lot.
297
00:18:02.956 --> 00:18:03.957
Think about it.
298
00:18:05.167 --> 00:18:09.213
Women coming out of a very long lockdown
299
00:18:09.296 --> 00:18:13.342
won't be as demanding
when they start looking for a partner.
300
00:18:14.551 --> 00:18:17.930
The age-old prophecy was fulfilled.
301
00:18:18.013 --> 00:18:21.100
"All men are equal."
And we were really equal.
302
00:18:21.183 --> 00:18:23.102
All guys on a video call,
303
00:18:23.185 --> 00:18:24.686
bearded and shaggy.
304
00:18:25.437 --> 00:18:28.816
Groomed up here,
and down there, shorts and flip-flops.
305
00:18:29.399 --> 00:18:33.278
Everyone using masks.
Great, guys. We're not ugly anymore.
306
00:18:33.946 --> 00:18:35.280
We're kind of ugly.
307
00:18:38.867 --> 00:18:41.954
Ladies, we men won't let you…
308
00:18:42.037 --> 00:18:43.288
Ladies,
309
00:18:43.372 --> 00:18:44.706
let me tell you something.
310
00:18:45.290 --> 00:18:46.917
Go for it.
311
00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:51.213
Use your elbows or whatever
to get what you want, ladies.
312
00:18:51.296 --> 00:18:52.798
Strike while the iron is hot.
313
00:18:52.881 --> 00:18:56.969
Pretend you're in a bad neighborhood.
314
00:18:57.052 --> 00:19:00.764
Get on the first bus that passes by,
even if it's not your bus.
315
00:19:01.431 --> 00:19:03.976
Go out there Pokémon-style.
"I choose you."
316
00:19:04.518 --> 00:19:05.644
Just grab him.
317
00:19:07.563 --> 00:19:10.190
It's so tough finding a guy nowadays
318
00:19:10.732 --> 00:19:13.861
that moms talk to their daughters
319
00:19:13.944 --> 00:19:17.698
as if the guy was a bowl of soup,
"Eat him up, honey."
320
00:19:19.491 --> 00:19:21.034
"Eat him all up, honey."
321
00:19:21.952 --> 00:19:26.498
"Lots of poor women must be jealous
of what you're throwing away, honey."
322
00:19:28.542 --> 00:19:32.921
I'm sure when the lockdown started
many women said,
323
00:19:33.005 --> 00:19:36.633
"I want a man that's tall,
dark, rich, smart and funny."
324
00:19:37.467 --> 00:19:40.554
During lockdown,
"I want a man that's tall and funny."
325
00:19:41.471 --> 00:19:43.557
After lockdown, "I want a man."
326
00:19:45.726 --> 00:19:49.229
But it's not all bad.
Not all ladies got locked down alone.
327
00:19:49.313 --> 00:19:54.067
Some got locked down
with their husbands or boyfriends.
328
00:19:54.151 --> 00:19:56.904
They finally got their man in there.
329
00:19:56.987 --> 00:20:01.325
Their man was there 24/7.
330
00:20:01.408 --> 00:20:04.328
There was no excuse like,
"I'm going to play a game…"
331
00:20:05.621 --> 00:20:07.831
"No, sir, there's a lockdown. Come here."
332
00:20:07.915 --> 00:20:10.876
Man! They had them there all the time.
333
00:20:10.959 --> 00:20:15.631
And the Friday night excuse
for going to meet up with friends is over.
334
00:20:15.714 --> 00:20:17.966
So much for Friday night hangouts.
335
00:20:19.551 --> 00:20:21.929
According to People magazine,
336
00:20:23.889 --> 00:20:25.682
during the crazy year of 2020,
337
00:20:27.184 --> 00:20:30.771
women had to rethink the list of qualities
338
00:20:30.854 --> 00:20:33.148
they look for in Prince Charming.
339
00:20:33.232 --> 00:20:36.068
Lists that had so far stated that…
340
00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:41.073
All women want a man
That's sweet and cute
341
00:20:41.156 --> 00:20:43.742
Romantic and faithful
342
00:20:44.701 --> 00:20:46.620
Who can dance and cook
343
00:20:46.703 --> 00:20:48.247
Who buys them presents
344
00:20:48.330 --> 00:20:51.583
And who smells nice
345
00:20:51.667 --> 00:20:53.877
Who, when she comes home tired
346
00:20:53.961 --> 00:20:58.298
Surprises her with a foot massage
347
00:20:58.966 --> 00:21:00.968
Tells her a joke in the daytime
348
00:21:01.051 --> 00:21:05.722
But bangs her three times at night
349
00:21:06.223 --> 00:21:08.934
And loves and protects her
Any way she sees fit
350
00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:12.562
Without being jealous and annoying
351
00:21:13.397 --> 00:21:16.275
One who doesn't pee on the toilet seat
352
00:21:16.858 --> 00:21:19.903
Or leave hairs on the soap
353
00:21:19.987 --> 00:21:22.281
They must wonder if such a man exists.
354
00:21:22.364 --> 00:21:23.407
Is there such a man?
355
00:21:25.534 --> 00:21:31.748
Of course.
356
00:21:31.832 --> 00:21:35.419
The problem is that that guy
357
00:21:35.502 --> 00:21:37.170
Already has a boyfriend
358
00:21:52.352 --> 00:21:54.187
It's your choice, ladies.
359
00:21:55.105 --> 00:21:57.691
A digital guy, or an anal-og guy.
360
00:21:59.735 --> 00:22:01.278
I recommend the digital guy.
361
00:22:01.361 --> 00:22:05.157
Sure, because nowadays
we need to keep informed
362
00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:07.075
about virtuality and technology.
363
00:22:07.159 --> 00:22:10.245
It's our new reality,
technology and virtuality.
364
00:22:10.329 --> 00:22:12.289
If you didn't like digital platforms,
365
00:22:12.372 --> 00:22:17.753
you had to accept that they
were the only way to telecommute,
366
00:22:17.836 --> 00:22:21.173
participate in virtual classes,
entertain and to do business.
367
00:22:21.256 --> 00:22:25.761
So, during that huge lockdown,
your best bet was the Internet.
368
00:22:25.844 --> 00:22:29.139
And the famous telecommuting started.
369
00:22:29.681 --> 00:22:33.643
Remember?
Everybody started working from home.
370
00:22:33.727 --> 00:22:34.770
And it was a mess.
371
00:22:34.853 --> 00:22:39.107
"You're not connected."
"Send me the link." "That's not the link."
372
00:22:39.191 --> 00:22:43.320
"Restart it." "That's not it."
"What platform is it?"
373
00:22:43.403 --> 00:22:44.529
"I emailed you it."
374
00:22:44.613 --> 00:22:47.407
"Switch the speakerphone off
and turn on the camera."
375
00:22:49.159 --> 00:22:52.245
Yes, video calls started crashing
376
00:22:52.329 --> 00:22:55.332
because everybody was online, remember?
377
00:22:55.415 --> 00:22:58.919
Video calls crashed,
but beautiful people had no problems.
378
00:22:59.795 --> 00:23:01.380
Beautiful is beautiful, so…
379
00:23:02.047 --> 00:23:05.258
Beautiful people
looked like the stars of Titanic.
380
00:23:05.342 --> 00:23:06.802
Frozen, but glamorous.
381
00:23:08.512 --> 00:23:11.723
So annoying! And at virtual meetings…
382
00:23:11.807 --> 00:23:13.225
"Boss, I think we should…
383
00:23:18.438 --> 00:23:20.232
have a meeting to discuss…
384
00:23:23.276 --> 00:23:24.736
every chance of…"
385
00:23:25.946 --> 00:23:29.866
They looked gorgeous,
while we ugly people looked even uglier.
386
00:23:29.950 --> 00:23:33.370
My God, why was that
when we looked our very worst?
387
00:23:33.453 --> 00:23:35.038
"Boss, is there any chance…"
388
00:23:38.250 --> 00:23:40.085
"My market research says…"
389
00:23:43.130 --> 00:23:44.256
That's so annoying!
390
00:23:44.923 --> 00:23:47.801
Either the video or the audio crashed.
391
00:23:49.511 --> 00:23:51.471
"Boss, I think that ho…"
392
00:23:53.515 --> 00:23:54.516
"Excuse me, Flórez?"
393
00:23:54.599 --> 00:23:58.228
"That whole system crashed,
but it just needs a good…"
394
00:23:59.980 --> 00:24:01.231
"What, Flórez?"
395
00:24:01.982 --> 00:24:05.819
"I'll stop working on it.
It needs a good revision, you moron."
396
00:24:07.571 --> 00:24:08.697
"What, Flórez?"
397
00:24:08.780 --> 00:24:12.325
"I'll assess the situation today,
you ass."
398
00:24:12.409 --> 00:24:15.036
It was really tough.
399
00:24:15.120 --> 00:24:18.623
And while we were telecommuting,
400
00:24:18.707 --> 00:24:21.543
our kids had virtual classes, remember?
401
00:24:22.669 --> 00:24:27.340
Our adorable moms
had to repeat grade school with the kids.
402
00:24:27.424 --> 00:24:29.384
While we worked there.
403
00:24:29.885 --> 00:24:32.888
I have two kids, Luchi and Santi.
404
00:24:32.971 --> 00:24:35.015
They both have computers.
405
00:24:35.098 --> 00:24:39.769
I telecommute while they study.
The boy, the girl, and I'm over here.
406
00:24:39.853 --> 00:24:42.189
Our cords got tangled up.
407
00:24:42.272 --> 00:24:44.774
My son sent projects to my boss.
408
00:24:45.484 --> 00:24:47.861
I did tests with my daughter's teacher.
409
00:24:48.737 --> 00:24:52.949
What's the problem?
My son got promoted, and I flunked.
410
00:24:53.033 --> 00:24:54.242
No way.
411
00:24:54.326 --> 00:24:57.204
Even doctor appointments were virtual.
412
00:24:57.287 --> 00:25:00.457
That's ridiculous, guys.
Virtual medical appointments?
413
00:25:00.540 --> 00:25:04.836
We did all that in person.
Virtual medical appointments?
414
00:25:04.920 --> 00:25:08.465
I had a video call with my dentist.
415
00:25:09.883 --> 00:25:11.426
My son walked in while I was like this…
416
00:25:11.510 --> 00:25:15.639
"What are you doing, Dad?"
"I'm at the dentist, son."
417
00:25:15.722 --> 00:25:19.434
"I know. Like Mom did last night."
"With the dentist?"
418
00:25:19.518 --> 00:25:22.229
"No, with the gynecologist."
"What?"
419
00:25:22.312 --> 00:25:25.690
No, we haven't gotten that far.
420
00:25:25.774 --> 00:25:27.817
Who is she sending that to?
421
00:25:27.901 --> 00:25:29.736
Even worse, what are they sending her?
422
00:25:30.237 --> 00:25:31.905
But it's not a bad idea.
423
00:25:32.864 --> 00:25:37.118
But of course, if gynecologists are--
Are any of those here?
424
00:25:38.036 --> 00:25:39.871
I can't smell your… Kidding.
425
00:25:39.955 --> 00:25:44.501
If any gynecologists are watching,
virtual consultations are a great idea.
426
00:25:44.584 --> 00:25:47.671
And I know who you can practice with.
427
00:25:47.754 --> 00:25:49.339
Webcam models.
428
00:25:50.757 --> 00:25:55.262
What better patient for a gynecologist
to practice with than a camgirl?
429
00:25:56.054 --> 00:25:58.598
I know there are vulnerable groups
watching this.
430
00:25:58.682 --> 00:26:03.019
You vulnerable groups at home,
what's a camgirl?
431
00:26:03.895 --> 00:26:07.899
A camgirl is a kind of influencer.
432
00:26:07.983 --> 00:26:11.945
Like a YouTuber who displays
their content in front of a camera.
433
00:26:13.572 --> 00:26:15.907
Who, instead of followers, has predators.
434
00:26:16.825 --> 00:26:20.453
And unlike YouTubers, looks for the finger
down there, not a thumbs up.
435
00:26:20.996 --> 00:26:23.540
Who has a great… Yes, ma'am, please.
436
00:26:25.875 --> 00:26:29.045
They're real pros.
They know how to open the app.
437
00:26:29.129 --> 00:26:31.548
They have flexible schedules,
very flexible.
438
00:26:32.966 --> 00:26:36.219
Camgirls are way ahead of their time.
439
00:26:36.303 --> 00:26:41.016
What better example of initiative
and independence than that of a camgirl?
440
00:26:41.099 --> 00:26:43.727
When telecommuting
started becoming popular,
441
00:26:43.810 --> 00:26:46.187
they were already telecommuting pros.
442
00:26:47.689 --> 00:26:49.899
We were just learning,
443
00:26:49.983 --> 00:26:53.445
while they earned their bread for years
by the sweat of their bodies.
444
00:26:54.404 --> 00:26:56.406
No. Sorry. Cut that out.
445
00:26:56.489 --> 00:26:59.409
They earned their bread
by the sweat of their brows.
446
00:27:00.827 --> 00:27:03.622
They never worried about being fired.
447
00:27:03.705 --> 00:27:07.125
They didn't have to worry
when companies started firing people.
448
00:27:07.667 --> 00:27:11.630
They were fine, while other women
experienced some very hairy situations.
449
00:27:13.089 --> 00:27:15.050
A friend of mine is a camgirl.
450
00:27:15.925 --> 00:27:19.596
Sometimes I ask her to send me pictures
with her clothes on.
451
00:27:19.679 --> 00:27:23.683
But I know what you think,
"What a pervert. How can you do that?"
452
00:27:23.767 --> 00:27:28.313
I know her because we worked together
until she quit her job.
453
00:27:28.396 --> 00:27:30.231
We met again and I said,
454
00:27:30.315 --> 00:27:33.485
"Daniela, honey, how are you?
Why did you quit your job?"
455
00:27:33.568 --> 00:27:34.819
She said, "No way, man!"
456
00:27:36.655 --> 00:27:38.114
"I was so exhausted."
457
00:27:39.574 --> 00:27:42.160
"I was totally screwed
with those schedules."
458
00:27:43.995 --> 00:27:46.331
"And the boss was all over me 24/7."
459
00:27:47.207 --> 00:27:51.211
"Now I'm still exhausted and screwed,
but the boss isn't all over me 24/7."
460
00:27:51.711 --> 00:27:55.590
And the classic question for a camgirl,
"Do you make a lot of money?"
461
00:27:56.132 --> 00:27:58.510
And she says, "More or less."
462
00:27:59.719 --> 00:28:00.970
"It takes time."
463
00:28:04.474 --> 00:28:07.686
"At first, not much came in,
but now it won't stop coming."
464
00:28:07.769 --> 00:28:11.648
And I said,
"I can imagine. Do your folks know?"
465
00:28:11.731 --> 00:28:12.691
"Yes."
466
00:28:13.358 --> 00:28:17.028
"My dad almost had a heart attack
when he found out."
467
00:28:17.112 --> 00:28:21.658
"He smashed things and yelled at me,
'Forget that I'm your dad.'"
468
00:28:23.034 --> 00:28:26.162
"So I said, 'Okay, Dad. I'm leaving.'
469
00:28:26.913 --> 00:28:29.207
'I'm taking the car I got for us.'
470
00:28:29.791 --> 00:28:34.003
'I'll stop paying the mortgage
and the utility bills.'"
471
00:28:34.087 --> 00:28:35.630
"And what did your dad say?"
472
00:28:36.172 --> 00:28:37.966
"Forget that I'm your dad."
473
00:28:38.758 --> 00:28:41.094
"I'm your manager, honey."
474
00:28:41.177 --> 00:28:43.847
"It's a family business."
475
00:28:43.930 --> 00:28:45.515
"Let's move forward."
476
00:28:47.100 --> 00:28:49.227
"Let's tidy up this room."
477
00:28:49.310 --> 00:28:53.815
"Let's upgrade the set.
Look at that filthy rosary."
478
00:28:53.898 --> 00:28:55.942
"Dad, drop the sex beads."
479
00:28:57.527 --> 00:29:01.322
It must be so awkward
for a dad to admit to his kid
480
00:29:01.406 --> 00:29:03.867
that he knows she's a camgirl.
481
00:29:03.950 --> 00:29:06.494
Just imagine the old man
in that situation,
482
00:29:06.578 --> 00:29:08.288
"Daniela, I know all about it."
483
00:29:10.582 --> 00:29:11.708
"I know all about it."
484
00:29:13.168 --> 00:29:15.545
"I seen it."
485
00:29:16.129 --> 00:29:18.631
And she says, "How did you see it?"
486
00:29:21.217 --> 00:29:24.971
And what does her dad say? "Well…
487
00:29:25.597 --> 00:29:28.725
Well, I… I logged into YouTube
488
00:29:30.560 --> 00:29:33.062
looking for a video of the game,
489
00:29:33.146 --> 00:29:35.690
and one game led to another,
490
00:29:36.441 --> 00:29:38.735
and I tried to close an ad,
491
00:29:38.818 --> 00:29:41.821
but it took me to a subscription page
which I tried to close,
492
00:29:42.405 --> 00:29:44.824
but I accidentally put in my name."
493
00:29:48.036 --> 00:29:50.371
"My name, address, and credit card."
494
00:29:50.997 --> 00:29:53.958
"So now I'm a member."
495
00:29:55.877 --> 00:29:56.961
The dad!
496
00:29:57.045 --> 00:30:00.465
Camgirls are the real pros, guys.
497
00:30:01.925 --> 00:30:05.261
They make money from home,
never catch any diseases.
498
00:30:05.345 --> 00:30:07.430
Maybe a computer virus.
499
00:30:08.765 --> 00:30:11.351
Good lights, good mics, good tits.
500
00:30:11.434 --> 00:30:12.852
They've got it all.
501
00:30:14.479 --> 00:30:18.566
They have soundproof rooms,
but not to keep all the noise inside,
502
00:30:18.650 --> 00:30:22.487
to avoid being distracted
by all the noise in the street.
503
00:30:22.570 --> 00:30:25.240
They're a vulnerable group.
Let me explain.
504
00:30:25.990 --> 00:30:29.035
When somebody tips them,
505
00:30:29.118 --> 00:30:32.121
a bell on the computer rings meaning…
506
00:30:32.205 --> 00:30:33.414
This guy's like, "Yeah."
507
00:30:34.749 --> 00:30:38.378
"He's right."
508
00:30:40.922 --> 00:30:43.591
A bell rings.
509
00:30:44.133 --> 00:30:48.638
That means they've been tipped.
Tips are called "tokens."
510
00:30:49.973 --> 00:30:52.725
They're tipped to fondle themselves.
511
00:30:54.310 --> 00:30:58.565
They respond to the bell with an action,
so, ting-a-ling
512
00:30:59.607 --> 00:31:00.441
Ring-a-ling.
513
00:31:01.818 --> 00:31:02.902
Ting-a-ling.
514
00:31:04.112 --> 00:31:04.988
Ring-a-ling.
515
00:31:06.114 --> 00:31:08.950
If the room isn't soundproof,
516
00:31:09.033 --> 00:31:11.578
and the ice cream guy goes by…
517
00:31:13.997 --> 00:31:17.292
Ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling, ting-a-ling.
518
00:31:18.501 --> 00:31:20.753
That would kill them.
519
00:31:20.837 --> 00:31:23.506
Or dehydrate them at least.
520
00:31:24.966 --> 00:31:28.219
We have a lot to learn from camgirls.
521
00:31:28.303 --> 00:31:33.099
We should all have a room at home
that's set up for virtual events.
522
00:31:33.182 --> 00:31:36.477
That's our new reality,
and I don't think it's going away.
523
00:31:37.145 --> 00:31:39.564
A room at home for virtual events,
524
00:31:39.647 --> 00:31:43.484
for telecommuting, a virtual classroom
for the kids or for us.
525
00:31:43.568 --> 00:31:46.112
For a tutorial, for a conference,
526
00:31:46.195 --> 00:31:49.032
even to record social media content.
527
00:31:49.115 --> 00:31:53.202
Or a room where the mariachi band
can't interrupt you
528
00:31:53.286 --> 00:31:55.496
with their 30 daily serenades.
529
00:31:57.206 --> 00:32:03.171
Remember how that also became popular?
Singing all day in front of the house?
530
00:32:03.254 --> 00:32:06.132
Remember we threw bills at them
for them to sing?
531
00:32:10.136 --> 00:32:12.555
Then we threw coins at them
to shut them up.
532
00:32:14.265 --> 00:32:18.937
And there were peddlers interrupting
our telecommuting all day long.
533
00:32:20.021 --> 00:32:24.484
What's the use of investing money
in an Apple Mac
534
00:32:25.193 --> 00:32:27.820
if the noise comes through the "Windows"?
535
00:32:32.450 --> 00:32:34.661
Am I smart or what?
536
00:32:36.454 --> 00:32:39.082
You thought all my jokes
were about amputees? No.
537
00:32:41.626 --> 00:32:46.005
So I'm trying to work on my Apple,
and outside I hear, "Apples."
538
00:32:47.090 --> 00:32:48.174
"Apples,
539
00:32:49.300 --> 00:32:50.510
yummy apples."
540
00:32:51.386 --> 00:32:52.804
"Get your apples."
541
00:32:53.471 --> 00:32:57.350
With music and everything, right?
"Get your apples."
542
00:32:58.309 --> 00:32:59.602
"Apples."
543
00:33:00.853 --> 00:33:06.442
Imagine trying to recite a poem
to the girl you like, virtually,
544
00:33:06.526 --> 00:33:08.152
and peddlers
keep interrupting you outside,
545
00:33:08.236 --> 00:33:11.114
while you go,
"I like you more than red wine."
546
00:33:11.197 --> 00:33:16.494
"You rouse all my emotions,
and I dream about playing those two…"
547
00:33:16.577 --> 00:33:18.204
"Lemons!"
548
00:33:19.247 --> 00:33:23.167
"Of playing those two songs
I wrote for you
549
00:33:23.251 --> 00:33:27.213
inspired by your eyes that cuddle me,
fondle me all over to feel…"
550
00:33:27.296 --> 00:33:28.715
"Yucca!"
551
00:33:29.799 --> 00:33:33.094
"To show you how much you inspire me,
I will thrust…"
552
00:33:33.177 --> 00:33:34.846
"Four bananas for 50 cents."
553
00:33:36.014 --> 00:33:39.100
"…my heart into your hands
although your mother…"
554
00:33:39.183 --> 00:33:41.894
"Copper, plastics, glass."
555
00:33:41.978 --> 00:33:44.188
"…doesn't suspect you have…"
556
00:33:44.272 --> 00:33:45.690
"Smoking hot buns."
557
00:33:46.190 --> 00:33:49.110
"I'll open the balcony and smell your…"
558
00:33:49.193 --> 00:33:51.237
"Fresh fish."
559
00:33:51.988 --> 00:33:53.281
Unbelievable.
560
00:33:53.990 --> 00:33:55.116
Unbelievable.
561
00:33:58.161 --> 00:34:00.747
Peddlers are so annoying.
562
00:34:00.830 --> 00:34:03.624
They'll say I forget where I came from.
563
00:34:03.708 --> 00:34:07.128
No, I was a peddler too.
They're just annoying.
564
00:34:07.211 --> 00:34:10.882
But I wish them well.
I want them to go far too.
565
00:34:11.924 --> 00:34:12.759
Very far.
566
00:34:14.594 --> 00:34:17.555
Where we can't hear them, for Pete's sake.
567
00:34:17.638 --> 00:34:21.350
NASA should send all of them
to the moon in a rocket.
568
00:34:21.434 --> 00:34:23.811
They can set up a flea market there.
569
00:34:23.895 --> 00:34:25.063
NASA!
570
00:34:25.146 --> 00:34:26.939
If you're watching me, NASA--
571
00:34:27.023 --> 00:34:29.984
I know they stopped researching
to watch my show.
572
00:34:31.194 --> 00:34:34.280
If you're watching,
it's a great business idea,
573
00:34:34.363 --> 00:34:36.449
sending peddlers to the moon.
574
00:34:36.532 --> 00:34:39.160
Because NASA knows how to make money.
575
00:34:39.243 --> 00:34:43.581
Don't forget that,
in 2020, during the pandemic,
576
00:34:43.664 --> 00:34:46.542
they launched a rocket into space,
remember?
577
00:34:46.626 --> 00:34:49.670
The SpaceX.
578
00:34:50.213 --> 00:34:53.132
They launched a rocket
with two crew members
579
00:34:53.216 --> 00:34:56.260
as a prelude to space tourism.
580
00:34:56.761 --> 00:34:58.721
What does space tourism mean?
581
00:34:58.805 --> 00:35:02.433
That you can buy a ticket
to take a walk on the moon.
582
00:35:02.517 --> 00:35:03.810
Rich people could…
583
00:35:03.893 --> 00:35:06.479
"Ma'am, please take the lifesaver off."
584
00:35:08.064 --> 00:35:10.066
"That's for rich people, ma'am."
585
00:35:10.149 --> 00:35:12.735
Why are poor people so impulsive?
586
00:35:12.819 --> 00:35:16.197
Rich people plan their vacation for years.
587
00:35:16.280 --> 00:35:18.533
Say the word "trip" to poor guy
and that's it.
588
00:35:18.616 --> 00:35:23.329
A poor guy's sitting on a corner
removing lice from a younger poor guy.
589
00:35:23.412 --> 00:35:25.873
And a poor neighbor goes by
in a poor guy's car
590
00:35:25.957 --> 00:35:27.416
and says to this poor guy, "Lokillo."
591
00:35:29.794 --> 00:35:31.420
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
592
00:35:32.171 --> 00:35:35.258
"Let's go to the beach."
So they head for the beach.
593
00:35:35.967 --> 00:35:38.010
And they phone the company midway.
594
00:35:38.094 --> 00:35:40.012
"Boss, I think I'm sick."
595
00:35:42.306 --> 00:35:46.394
No, space tourism is for the wealthy.
596
00:35:46.477 --> 00:35:47.895
Only the wealthy.
597
00:35:47.979 --> 00:35:53.526
Rich people are getting ready
to move to another planet.
598
00:35:53.609 --> 00:35:56.279
Did you know land is for sale on the moon?
599
00:35:57.029 --> 00:36:00.741
It's true.
They're selling land on the moon.
600
00:36:00.825 --> 00:36:03.870
People bought land on the moon,
for Pete's sake!
601
00:36:04.412 --> 00:36:07.081
Rich people aren't stupid.
602
00:36:07.915 --> 00:36:09.750
They'd be poor if they were stupid.
603
00:36:10.710 --> 00:36:15.256
Rich people are leaving Earth
before there's another pandemic.
604
00:36:15.756 --> 00:36:19.844
Rich people will move to another planet
to avoid contact with what?
605
00:36:20.678 --> 00:36:22.138
With peddlers. No.
606
00:36:22.221 --> 00:36:23.639
With viruses.
607
00:36:24.265 --> 00:36:28.436
Don't be surprised
if a being from the future appears,
608
00:36:28.519 --> 00:36:30.771
a special being from outer space,
609
00:36:30.855 --> 00:36:35.359
to warn us about human migration
to other worlds.
610
00:36:46.579 --> 00:36:48.289
Landing
611
00:36:52.835 --> 00:36:54.128
Landing
612
00:36:58.925 --> 00:37:00.676
Landing
613
00:37:14.857 --> 00:37:15.691
Run!
614
00:37:16.525 --> 00:37:17.860
Run!
615
00:37:19.820 --> 00:37:21.030
Run!
616
00:37:21.572 --> 00:37:23.783
Close all airports!
617
00:37:23.866 --> 00:37:26.452
Do not eat that bat soup!
618
00:37:26.535 --> 00:37:29.163
No, really. A pandemic is coming.
619
00:37:31.374 --> 00:37:32.375
It already did?
620
00:37:37.964 --> 00:37:41.259
I miscalculated my landing.
621
00:37:44.929 --> 00:37:50.101
Then I'll warn you
about the asteroid Apophis,
622
00:37:50.184 --> 00:37:52.687
which will strike in 2036.
623
00:37:54.355 --> 00:37:57.817
Then you'll all be
a vulnerable population.
624
00:37:59.026 --> 00:37:59.860
Yes.
625
00:38:01.362 --> 00:38:02.780
Where are my manners?
626
00:38:02.863 --> 00:38:05.324
I am Rastacuando.
627
00:38:06.701 --> 00:38:08.411
A time-traveling messenger
628
00:38:09.578 --> 00:38:12.081
from the pluperfect future.
629
00:38:15.251 --> 00:38:18.004
And I bring you good tidings.
630
00:38:18.921 --> 00:38:20.589
But first, I'll explain.
631
00:38:20.673 --> 00:38:24.051
We managed to settle Mars in time.
632
00:38:24.927 --> 00:38:25.761
Yes.
633
00:38:26.262 --> 00:38:28.931
Remember the spaceship SpaceX?
634
00:38:29.432 --> 00:38:30.808
With two crew members?
635
00:38:31.475 --> 00:38:36.022
There were 50 domestic workers
in the spaceship's hold.
636
00:38:39.358 --> 00:38:43.696
Fifty cleaners
who had to prepare the planet
637
00:38:43.779 --> 00:38:48.701
for the arrival of the wealthy
and the planet's brightest people.
638
00:38:48.784 --> 00:38:51.954
Those women made beds.
639
00:38:54.790 --> 00:38:57.460
Mended the black holes.
640
00:38:59.545 --> 00:39:02.590
Swept the stardust.
641
00:39:04.884 --> 00:39:07.303
Until everything was ready.
642
00:39:08.971 --> 00:39:11.724
Several years later another ship took off
643
00:39:12.350 --> 00:39:14.643
with Earth's wealthiest and brightest
644
00:39:14.727 --> 00:39:18.981
to replenish the human race on Mars.
645
00:39:22.526 --> 00:39:24.904
The spaceship had 50 seats.
646
00:39:24.987 --> 00:39:29.742
Fifty seats distributed like this.
647
00:39:32.078 --> 00:39:34.205
Twenty-eight seats
648
00:39:35.873 --> 00:39:40.753
for the planet's wealthiest people.
649
00:39:40.836 --> 00:39:43.756
Only rich people. Filthy rich.
650
00:39:44.465 --> 00:39:47.343
And I mean rich!
651
00:39:48.219 --> 00:39:50.388
People you look at and say,
652
00:39:50.471 --> 00:39:51.305
"Rich."
653
00:39:53.724 --> 00:39:59.021
Filthy rich people
with lots of jewels, watches,
654
00:39:59.563 --> 00:40:03.150
and diamond-studded masks.
655
00:40:04.110 --> 00:40:09.240
And old ladies with tiny dogs
shitting in a Louis Vuitton bag.
656
00:40:10.324 --> 00:40:12.201
Only the rich, guys.
657
00:40:13.869 --> 00:40:15.496
Twenty-eight seats.
658
00:40:17.998 --> 00:40:19.875
Fourteen seats.
659
00:40:22.294 --> 00:40:23.879
Twenty-eight, 29, 30…
660
00:40:27.133 --> 00:40:28.801
Fourteen seats
661
00:40:30.136 --> 00:40:34.515
for planet Earth's
brightest medical doctors.
662
00:40:34.598 --> 00:40:37.685
They finally realized health is vital.
663
00:40:37.768 --> 00:40:41.272
The first line of defense.
They finally remembered the MDs.
664
00:40:41.355 --> 00:40:45.359
So, 19 seats for medical doctors.
665
00:40:45.443 --> 00:40:47.111
Twenty-four, three, four.
666
00:40:48.279 --> 00:40:50.197
Fourteen seats
667
00:40:51.031 --> 00:40:54.368
for the most important medical doctors,
668
00:40:54.452 --> 00:40:58.080
for Earth's most distinguished
medical doctors and scientists.
669
00:40:58.164 --> 00:41:01.375
Doctors who were always leading the way.
670
00:41:01.876 --> 00:41:05.379
Except the prostate doctor
who was always behind.
671
00:41:06.964 --> 00:41:07.840
That's right.
672
00:41:09.425 --> 00:41:11.844
Twelve, 14, 24.
673
00:41:19.310 --> 00:41:21.854
There were 43 seats left.
674
00:41:23.189 --> 00:41:24.231
What?
675
00:41:27.401 --> 00:41:29.320
Twenty-nine seats…
676
00:41:32.239 --> 00:41:38.662
for planet Earth's brightest thinkers.
677
00:41:38.746 --> 00:41:40.623
Only Nobel Prize winners.
678
00:41:40.706 --> 00:41:43.334
Only intelligent people.
679
00:41:44.460 --> 00:41:46.545
Philosophers.
680
00:41:46.629 --> 00:41:48.506
Philologists.
681
00:41:49.715 --> 00:41:51.550
Phosphorous.
682
00:41:54.887 --> 00:41:56.805
Phosphorescent.
683
00:41:59.683 --> 00:42:02.269
And distinguished political leaders.
684
00:42:02.353 --> 00:42:04.313
Only political leaders.
685
00:42:05.064 --> 00:42:09.735
They even had to have
Donald Trump escorted outside.
686
00:42:09.818 --> 00:42:11.070
He grabbed a seat,
687
00:42:11.153 --> 00:42:12.696
and wouldn't let it go.
688
00:42:12.780 --> 00:42:14.907
"It's mine now."
689
00:42:18.077 --> 00:42:18.911
No way.
690
00:42:21.288 --> 00:42:22.957
Forty-four, forty-seven.
691
00:42:24.416 --> 00:42:25.459
Twenty-nine.
692
00:42:27.336 --> 00:42:29.296
Two seats
693
00:42:30.756 --> 00:42:34.843
for the best Spanish-speaking comedians.
694
00:42:36.679 --> 00:42:41.058
Laughter is important to humans here,
or on any other planet.
695
00:42:42.685 --> 00:42:45.479
The two best and brightest comedians.
696
00:42:45.563 --> 00:42:50.943
The most revolutionary, the most renowned,
the two best Spanish-speaking humorists.
697
00:42:51.026 --> 00:42:53.320
And I know you guys are psychos,
698
00:42:53.404 --> 00:42:56.865
and you want to know
who those two humorists are, right?
699
00:42:57.658 --> 00:42:59.493
You want to know.
700
00:43:01.453 --> 00:43:04.873
I don't know, I was so tired
I slept on the two seats.
701
00:43:04.957 --> 00:43:08.335
I don't know who got on board.
702
00:43:16.969 --> 00:43:19.930
Thirty-seven, thirty-four.
703
00:43:21.974 --> 00:43:23.559
There were two seats left.
704
00:43:25.185 --> 00:43:27.646
The stewardesses' seats.
705
00:43:28.230 --> 00:43:31.275
But since one of them
sat on the pilot's lap…
706
00:43:33.277 --> 00:43:34.945
her seat was vacant.
707
00:43:35.654 --> 00:43:38.866
And the seat was assigned to
708
00:43:40.659 --> 00:43:43.370
a mariachi band of 15 musicians.
709
00:43:45.039 --> 00:43:48.250
All 15 of them fit on it.
710
00:43:48.751 --> 00:43:51.295
You say,
"No way would they fit, Rastacuando."
711
00:43:51.378 --> 00:43:54.506
No, they practiced in those tiny vans.
712
00:43:56.925 --> 00:44:00.304
They were able to fit on it
with all their instruments.
713
00:44:00.387 --> 00:44:04.767
All the way there,
they played the stewardess's cucaracha.
714
00:44:04.850 --> 00:44:06.810
She was such a slut.
715
00:44:08.228 --> 00:44:11.065
I woke up halfway there,
716
00:44:11.148 --> 00:44:14.068
and I even sang the stewardess a song.
717
00:44:14.735 --> 00:44:15.903
What?
718
00:44:15.986 --> 00:44:18.155
A stellar kind of love, dude
719
00:44:18.739 --> 00:44:20.240
A space-age kind of love
720
00:44:20.324 --> 00:44:22.409
A special kind of love…
721
00:44:22.493 --> 00:44:26.705
It's called "Planetary Passion
That Unites Us In The Cosmos Of Love."
722
00:44:29.375 --> 00:44:32.670
Hey there, lady
723
00:44:32.753 --> 00:44:35.506
Why don't you talk to me
724
00:44:36.006 --> 00:44:39.426
About the planets
725
00:44:39.510 --> 00:44:42.471
You're watching through your window?
726
00:44:43.097 --> 00:44:44.556
Show me Uranus
727
00:44:46.517 --> 00:44:47.976
Show me Uranus
728
00:44:49.978 --> 00:44:51.647
Show me Uranus
729
00:44:53.315 --> 00:44:55.818
So round and dark
730
00:44:57.111 --> 00:45:00.114
Yes, woman, and let me see
731
00:45:00.197 --> 00:45:03.242
Your mound of Venus too
732
00:45:03.325 --> 00:45:06.453
And in Uranus the rings
733
00:45:06.537 --> 00:45:08.914
Of Jupiter
734
00:45:10.416 --> 00:45:13.377
If there's another star in your life
735
00:45:13.460 --> 00:45:16.130
I'll understand
736
00:45:17.339 --> 00:45:20.259
If I was jealous on Earth
737
00:45:20.926 --> 00:45:23.220
I won't be jealous here
738
00:45:23.303 --> 00:45:27.516
I admit that
739
00:45:28.934 --> 00:45:32.146
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
740
00:45:32.229 --> 00:45:35.441
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
741
00:45:36.066 --> 00:45:39.570
Rastacuando screwed you on Earth
742
00:45:40.612 --> 00:45:46.160
But that's all behind us now
743
00:46:00.340 --> 00:46:04.887
You might ask why I came
all the way from the future.
744
00:46:06.889 --> 00:46:10.225
Remember I said I had good tidings?
745
00:46:11.226 --> 00:46:18.108
Well, since they only sent
billionaires and geniuses
746
00:46:18.192 --> 00:46:19.693
on that last flight,
747
00:46:19.777 --> 00:46:22.696
it's very boring over there.
748
00:46:24.865 --> 00:46:27.242
Only good people? No!
749
00:46:29.578 --> 00:46:31.246
There are no thieves.
750
00:46:34.166 --> 00:46:37.503
No cops because there are no thieves.
751
00:46:39.296 --> 00:46:40.923
No dead people
752
00:46:41.799 --> 00:46:43.133
because there are no cops.
753
00:46:49.223 --> 00:46:52.935
So, the interplanetary agencies,
754
00:46:53.018 --> 00:46:54.728
together with NASA,
755
00:46:54.812 --> 00:46:57.815
decided to launch a final flight,
756
00:46:57.898 --> 00:47:01.026
but for the dregs of society this time.
757
00:47:01.109 --> 00:47:04.988
Why? Because everything is balanced
in the universe, right?
758
00:47:05.072 --> 00:47:06.490
Light and dark.
759
00:47:06.573 --> 00:47:08.158
Good and bad.
760
00:47:08.242 --> 00:47:10.160
Jeans and T-shirts.
761
00:47:19.878 --> 00:47:21.713
So, along this line of thinking,
762
00:47:21.797 --> 00:47:24.925
there will be a flight
for unpleasant people.
763
00:47:25.509 --> 00:47:26.677
Bad people.
764
00:47:27.219 --> 00:47:31.056
Losers, poor people, ugly people.
765
00:47:31.139 --> 00:47:33.350
People with nothing to live for.
766
00:47:33.433 --> 00:47:34.935
Stupid people.
767
00:47:35.644 --> 00:47:37.563
Despicable people.
768
00:47:42.150 --> 00:47:44.236
And that, obviously,
769
00:47:44.862 --> 00:47:47.573
gives you guys a chance.
770
00:47:48.282 --> 00:47:49.575
Yes!
771
00:47:52.786 --> 00:47:53.620
Yes!
772
00:47:54.371 --> 00:47:58.584
Be proud.
773
00:47:59.084 --> 00:48:04.882
On that flight,
there will only be two security guards.
774
00:48:08.552 --> 00:48:10.012
Why two security guards?
775
00:48:10.554 --> 00:48:12.598
One to sleep during the day.
776
00:48:16.935 --> 00:48:19.021
And another to sleep at night.
777
00:48:20.647 --> 00:48:26.695
The rest of them
will get a form like this to fill out.
778
00:48:34.411 --> 00:48:38.123
"Application for project:
How to Make Matters Worse."
779
00:48:42.002 --> 00:48:45.505
You may travel if you meet
one or more requirements.
780
00:48:49.593 --> 00:48:52.137
With one or more of these requirements.
781
00:48:55.641 --> 00:49:00.604
If you pretend to be asleep on the bus
to avoid giving up your seat…
782
00:49:03.857 --> 00:49:05.609
to a pregnant woman…
783
00:49:07.611 --> 00:49:10.113
especially if it's your pregnant wife…
784
00:49:13.992 --> 00:49:15.327
you may travel.
785
00:49:22.501 --> 00:49:27.673
If you use your granddad
to do your banking transactions…
786
00:49:32.719 --> 00:49:34.805
because they let him cut in line…
787
00:49:38.558 --> 00:49:40.060
you may travel.
788
00:49:40.143 --> 00:49:42.771
Hey, no, don't do that to old people.
789
00:49:43.313 --> 00:49:45.774
Don't do that to Grandpa.
790
00:49:45.857 --> 00:49:50.112
Don't put him in danger on the street.
Go on.
791
00:49:50.821 --> 00:49:54.241
Get rid of him.
Send him to a nursing home.
792
00:49:54.324 --> 00:49:55.867
They're annoying.
793
00:50:02.708 --> 00:50:08.380
If you sneak in a counterfeit bill
because somebody screwed you over too…
794
00:50:10.340 --> 00:50:13.343
Raise your hand if you've been screwed.
795
00:50:27.315 --> 00:50:30.068
If, when you go to the movies,
796
00:50:31.153 --> 00:50:34.114
you buy cheap tickets
797
00:50:34.197 --> 00:50:39.369
and, when the movie starts,
you switch to premium seating…
798
00:50:41.371 --> 00:50:44.499
That is so annoying!
799
00:50:45.542 --> 00:50:50.589
You go to see the genius Lokillo's movie
800
00:50:51.089 --> 00:50:53.425
and you're in your premium seat,
801
00:50:53.508 --> 00:50:56.928
comfortable, quiet, not hurting anyone.
802
00:50:57.012 --> 00:50:59.347
Like a decent person.
803
00:51:03.226 --> 00:51:06.104
And when the lights go out
and the movie starts,
804
00:51:06.188 --> 00:51:10.817
you see this row of miserable dogs
moving forward
805
00:51:10.901 --> 00:51:14.362
and sitting next to you.
806
00:51:15.197 --> 00:51:16.531
Here!
807
00:51:17.449 --> 00:51:19.284
The security guard realizes
808
00:51:19.367 --> 00:51:23.872
none of us have premium tickets
and he makes us move.
809
00:51:27.501 --> 00:51:28.460
Yes.
810
00:51:30.545 --> 00:51:33.757
But guess what the best news is?
811
00:51:35.008 --> 00:51:38.553
That on the last flight
there will be no Asians,
812
00:51:38.637 --> 00:51:42.140
or Europeans, or Gringos, or anything.
813
00:51:42.224 --> 00:51:44.935
Only Latin Americans.
814
00:51:48.063 --> 00:51:49.356
Only Latin Americans.
815
00:51:49.856 --> 00:51:52.192
Because it's a scientific fact
816
00:51:52.275 --> 00:51:56.655
that we Latin Americans
have more defense mechanisms.
817
00:51:57.280 --> 00:51:58.115
Yes.
818
00:51:58.198 --> 00:52:01.409
Because we were sent to war as kids.
819
00:52:01.493 --> 00:52:06.123
We Latin Americans are well-trained.
820
00:52:06.790 --> 00:52:11.086
Be proud to be Latin Americans.
821
00:52:12.629 --> 00:52:14.506
We have more defense mechanisms.
822
00:52:16.925 --> 00:52:20.262
Latin Americans
823
00:52:20.345 --> 00:52:23.014
Have so many defenses
824
00:52:23.098 --> 00:52:25.517
Because of the way we were raised
825
00:52:25.600 --> 00:52:28.186
And we're not ashamed of it
826
00:52:28.270 --> 00:52:30.021
If we drop some food
827
00:52:30.772 --> 00:52:32.983
We pick it back up
828
00:52:33.859 --> 00:52:36.194
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
829
00:52:36.278 --> 00:52:38.446
We blow it off and eat it
830
00:52:39.906 --> 00:52:41.950
The same soda
831
00:52:42.033 --> 00:52:45.036
Is shared by ten
And that way
832
00:52:45.120 --> 00:52:47.455
It's the last one who drinks
833
00:52:47.539 --> 00:52:49.958
Everybody's backwash
834
00:52:50.876 --> 00:52:53.420
Going to the bathroom to do number two
835
00:52:53.503 --> 00:52:55.839
Chatting with your woman
836
00:52:56.673 --> 00:52:59.718
Then without wiping the screen
Or washing our hands
837
00:52:59.801 --> 00:53:01.469
We put it on our ears
838
00:53:02.095 --> 00:53:05.265
Latin Americans
839
00:53:05.348 --> 00:53:08.059
Have so many defenses
840
00:53:08.143 --> 00:53:10.395
Because of the way we were raised
841
00:53:10.478 --> 00:53:12.939
And we're not ashamed of it
842
00:53:13.440 --> 00:53:15.609
If there's no clean underwear
843
00:53:16.151 --> 00:53:18.195
Wearing it inside out is okay
844
00:53:18.695 --> 00:53:21.448
And if our ear itches
845
00:53:21.531 --> 00:53:23.700
We stick a key in there
846
00:53:24.951 --> 00:53:26.620
We use a bag
847
00:53:27.537 --> 00:53:29.706
As dental floss
848
00:53:30.207 --> 00:53:32.918
And drink water from the pool
849
00:53:33.001 --> 00:53:35.212
Which is a urinal for kids
850
00:53:35.712 --> 00:53:40.842
We sweep the floor
And sweep the dust under the rug
851
00:53:41.343 --> 00:53:44.054
And the dog that licked another dog's butt
852
00:53:44.137 --> 00:53:46.973
Comes and French kisses us
853
00:53:47.057 --> 00:53:50.644
Latin Americans
854
00:53:50.727 --> 00:53:53.271
Have so many defenses
855
00:53:53.355 --> 00:53:55.440
Because of the way we were raised
856
00:53:55.941 --> 00:53:58.568
And we're not ashamed of it
857
00:53:58.652 --> 00:54:01.488
Latin Americans
858
00:54:02.072 --> 00:54:04.241
Have so many defenses
859
00:54:04.324 --> 00:54:07.786
We will survive
860
00:54:08.453 --> 00:54:12.540
See you in the future
861
00:54:12.624 --> 00:54:14.501
Blessed love, guys.
862
00:54:22.968 --> 00:54:24.052
Hey!
863
00:54:26.012 --> 00:54:27.055
I'm here!
864
00:54:28.265 --> 00:54:29.891
I came from the past.
865
00:54:31.101 --> 00:54:35.397
I was in a warehouse
that looked like a prison.
866
00:54:36.982 --> 00:54:40.694
Loaded with thieves and prostitu--
867
00:54:44.864 --> 00:54:48.076
Dudes and protestants.
868
00:55:12.600 --> 00:55:15.061
Did you believe everything he said?
869
00:55:16.479 --> 00:55:17.314
I did.
870
00:55:18.106 --> 00:55:21.192
Sure I did. It makes a lot of sense.
871
00:55:21.693 --> 00:55:24.654
Because human beings
destroyed this planet.
872
00:55:24.738 --> 00:55:26.614
We destroyed the planet.
873
00:55:26.698 --> 00:55:30.368
What else can we do
but look for another planet to colonize?
874
00:55:32.495 --> 00:55:35.874
And they need to take us Latinos
to colonize it.
875
00:55:36.833 --> 00:55:39.169
Especially Colombians.
876
00:55:39.252 --> 00:55:42.422
Who else can spice things up
on another planet?
877
00:55:42.505 --> 00:55:44.049
We Colombians.
878
00:55:44.132 --> 00:55:48.094
Besides, the pandemic made Colombians
much more sensitive.
879
00:55:49.512 --> 00:55:51.181
We know the world is ending.
880
00:55:51.264 --> 00:55:54.309
So, drink up, have fun,
have sex, the end is near.
881
00:55:54.392 --> 00:55:56.978
"Wash your hands." What for?
882
00:55:57.062 --> 00:56:00.273
I suck my fingers clean
after having chicken.
883
00:56:01.775 --> 00:56:04.778
"No going out."
What do you mean "no going out"?
884
00:56:04.861 --> 00:56:08.323
I'll forge a doctor's ID if I have to,
but I'm going out today.
885
00:56:08.406 --> 00:56:10.950
Or I'll go out in an animal suit.
886
00:56:11.034 --> 00:56:13.161
Because that was great.
887
00:56:13.661 --> 00:56:17.582
Remember the animals
that appeared during the pandemic?
888
00:56:18.458 --> 00:56:20.085
What a powerful message.
889
00:56:20.168 --> 00:56:21.544
Animals reappearing.
890
00:56:21.628 --> 00:56:24.214
Animals reappearing in deserted cities.
891
00:56:25.465 --> 00:56:30.053
What a lovely message,
the animals felt free
892
00:56:30.136 --> 00:56:32.514
when we beasts were locked in.
893
00:56:35.350 --> 00:56:36.726
Hell of a statement!
894
00:56:36.810 --> 00:56:38.895
Hey, write that down, please.
895
00:56:39.437 --> 00:56:40.480
Mark it "anonymous."
896
00:56:42.899 --> 00:56:44.192
That was beautiful.
897
00:56:44.859 --> 00:56:46.945
Seeing the animals again.
898
00:56:47.028 --> 00:56:50.448
Nanny goats in Spain appeared
with their kids,
899
00:56:50.532 --> 00:56:52.033
without their bullying billys.
900
00:56:53.034 --> 00:56:55.078
Boar and deer appeared.
901
00:56:55.954 --> 00:56:57.956
A bat appeared in China and they ate it.
902
00:56:59.332 --> 00:57:03.545
We heard some felines
that we thought were extinct.
903
00:57:04.754 --> 00:57:09.467
Los Tigres del Norte,
La Tigresa del Oriente, El Puma.
904
00:57:11.052 --> 00:57:13.763
Dolphins went back to the bays.
905
00:57:14.931 --> 00:57:17.934
Two more weeks
and a Tyrannosaurus would've shown up.
906
00:57:18.852 --> 00:57:19.978
That's right.
907
00:57:20.061 --> 00:57:24.190
I wouldn't be surprised if,
during another pandemic, God forbid,
908
00:57:24.274 --> 00:57:27.569
animals came back
determined to take over the planet.
909
00:57:27.652 --> 00:57:31.698
They'll come back as leaders next time.
Imagine an animal in office?
910
00:57:32.574 --> 00:57:33.992
There's one in Venezuela.
911
00:57:35.660 --> 00:57:37.454
And here in Colombia too.
912
00:57:38.329 --> 00:57:40.707
Not true. That one isn't a leader.
913
00:57:42.917 --> 00:57:48.673
Imagine animals side to side with us
in society, treating us as equals?
914
00:57:48.756 --> 00:57:51.718
Imagine an elephant as a business manager?
915
00:57:53.094 --> 00:57:55.805
Walk into a meeting,
and he's curling his trunk angrily at us.
916
00:58:00.059 --> 00:58:05.607
Or a beetle as a musical producer,
playing Bad Bunny's last song.
917
00:58:07.025 --> 00:58:08.234
"What a piece of shit!"
918
00:58:09.194 --> 00:58:12.197
"I love it. We'll all love it."
919
00:58:13.656 --> 00:58:16.534
Animals have been gaining ground
for a long time.
920
00:58:16.618 --> 00:58:19.621
There are quite a few Hollywood stars
among them.
921
00:58:20.163 --> 00:58:23.374
Like Lassie, Babe,
922
00:58:23.458 --> 00:58:27.253
101 Dalmatians,
Free Willy, Doctor Dolittle,
923
00:58:27.337 --> 00:58:29.422
and the Kardashians, right?
924
00:58:30.632 --> 00:58:33.134
No, the bitches don't have a movie yet.
925
00:58:34.010 --> 00:58:37.263
At least,
I haven't seen their movie on Netflix.
926
00:58:37.347 --> 00:58:41.476
And I watched Netflix all the time
during lockdown, like you guys.
927
00:58:41.559 --> 00:58:44.521
It was great having Netflix
during lockdown.
928
00:58:45.813 --> 00:58:46.981
Man!
929
00:58:47.065 --> 00:58:49.901
We finally saw entire movies, right?
930
00:58:49.984 --> 00:58:52.487
It used to be an excuse to have sex.
931
00:58:52.570 --> 00:58:56.324
Who didn't use the line,
"Want to watch a Netflix movie at home?"
932
00:58:56.407 --> 00:58:59.452
You started with a comedy
and ended up being naughty.
933
00:59:00.203 --> 00:59:05.375
I watched all the Netflix movies.
I remember everything. I saw everything.
934
00:59:05.458 --> 00:59:09.170
The horror movies impressed me more.
Maybe you saw them too.
935
00:59:09.254 --> 00:59:12.173
Huge horror movies, like Annabelle.
936
00:59:13.383 --> 00:59:18.221
It was all about Annabelle,
the doll that moves on its own.
937
00:59:18.930 --> 00:59:20.348
I wasn't scared at all
938
00:59:20.890 --> 00:59:23.685
because I've been seeing
a moving doll since I was 14.
939
00:59:25.228 --> 00:59:31.317
In documentaries,
I saw the history of World Wars.
940
00:59:31.401 --> 00:59:34.404
The first and the second.
I think the third is coming soon.
941
00:59:36.155 --> 00:59:39.075
In dramas I saw-- Remember that drama?
942
00:59:39.617 --> 00:59:40.952
It made everybody cry.
943
00:59:41.035 --> 00:59:44.038
It's about
an intellectually disabled dad and…
944
00:59:46.374 --> 00:59:47.250
And you too.
945
00:59:47.333 --> 00:59:48.626
Hey, a dad…
946
00:59:50.128 --> 00:59:54.257
No. You guys saw it too.
947
00:59:58.136 --> 00:59:59.637
No, you guys saw it too.
948
01:00:04.934 --> 01:00:06.644
You saw it too.
949
01:00:06.728 --> 01:00:10.148
A dad with an intellectual disability
who has a little girl,
950
01:00:10.231 --> 01:00:13.943
and he is imprisoned by mistake
and the girl… Remember?
951
01:00:14.027 --> 01:00:15.111
I didn't like it.
952
01:00:15.194 --> 01:00:17.196
Maybe I have a heart of stone.
953
01:00:17.280 --> 01:00:20.283
It's a nice story,
but it didn't move me that much.
954
01:00:20.366 --> 01:00:24.245
I saw it with some friends
who were like this the whole time.
955
01:00:31.794 --> 01:00:35.048
Until I told them
to stop bringing drugs to my place.
956
01:00:35.131 --> 01:00:36.674
"Show some respect."
957
01:00:37.300 --> 01:00:39.427
And in action movies I saw…
958
01:00:39.510 --> 01:00:41.554
The one about the saga about…
959
01:00:42.430 --> 01:00:44.849
About an angry guy
with premature ejaculation.
960
01:00:45.391 --> 01:00:46.309
What's it called?
961
01:00:47.727 --> 01:00:48.853
Fast and Furious.
962
01:00:50.688 --> 01:00:53.107
I checked the stand-up comedy list,
963
01:00:53.941 --> 01:00:55.026
and I wasn't on it.
964
01:00:55.943 --> 01:00:58.404
So I said, "Dear God, I must be on it."
965
01:00:58.488 --> 01:01:01.616
"Lokillito from Dabeiba, Antioquía,
must be on Netflix."
966
01:01:01.699 --> 01:01:04.994
"We need to shoot it in Medellín
with a local audience."
967
01:01:05.078 --> 01:01:08.247
"And we need to be on Netflix now!"
968
01:01:09.916 --> 01:01:14.212
For two basic reasons.
969
01:01:14.295 --> 01:01:16.756
First, we're gonna get hit by an asteroid.
970
01:01:17.965 --> 01:01:19.008
Rastacuando warned us.
971
01:01:20.009 --> 01:01:21.177
And secondly,
972
01:01:21.719 --> 01:01:24.889
because if we learned anything
from this pandemic,
973
01:01:25.848 --> 01:01:29.936
it is that laughter is the only thing
we should spread all over the world.
974
01:03:19.837 --> 01:03:24.842
Subtitle translation by: Ricardo Espinoza