WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering, whistling]

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[audience clapping]

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Thank you.

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Thank you, thank you.

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[applause, cheering]

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Hello, my babies.

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[audience laughs]

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Hi, you could have been
anywhere in the world

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and you're here with me in Cape Town!

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-Yes!
-[cheering]

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Shut up, we're in lockdown.
What do you mean?

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Can't go anywhere in the world.
You're stuck.

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[Gola chuckles]

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It's cool.

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Thank you,
people watching me from the side.

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I'll try to give you attention as well.

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Hello, madame. Hello. Hello, VIP. VIP.

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That's where Lincoln got shot. Yeah.

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[audience laughs]

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On the balcony.

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Don't think you are safe there.
Anyone can get shot. Pow!

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Man, the only--
The crazy thing is, um,

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this COVID situation stopped me
from traveling, which is… Ah!

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'Cause I'm such a nomad, you know,

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and, um, I've been taking my career
around the world

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before this whole pandemic started.

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And one of the things
that's very hard for me is

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people don't have a context
of South Africa, they just think…

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I don't know what they're thinking,

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but the questions they ask
in interviews are strange.

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I'll be in an interview
and someone will say,

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[English accent] "Where were you…

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Where were you when Nelson Mandela

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got released from jail?"

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I'm like, "If you'd done your research,
you'd have known I was six."

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[audience laughs]

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I was six years old.

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In fact, I was pissed off
because everything was closed.

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I was like,
"I'm trying to go play soccer."

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"Yeah, but the fields are closed.

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The place where you buy
ice cream is closed as well."

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"Why?"
"Nelson Mandela's coming out."

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"Fuck!"

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That was the thing.
So they have this thing.

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They ask me these questions
like Nelson Mandela's my cousin.

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Like I'm supposed to go,
"Yeah, we were together."

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No, I wasn't there.

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I'm not saying we weren't
aware politically as children.

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We were. We were. We were.

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I remember when we were young,

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we were always told
to free Nelson Mandela.

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So, I remember
being four years old, stressing about it.

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Like, I'm four.
"But we must free this guy." Like…

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It was something
that really bothered me, but--

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So one day at kindergarten,
at kindergarten, kindergarten,

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I decided
that I am going to mobilize the kids,

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and we're going to try
to free Nelson Mandela.

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So I said, "We are refusing to sleep."

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"We're not going to play with these toys
and Lego until Nelson Mandela is free."

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So the teachers were panicking.
We were like, "We're not eating…" Pow!

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"…till Nelson Mandela is free!"

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We didn't even know
what Mandela looked like,

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'cause you have to remember
his images had been banned from the '60s.

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We didn't know. So, the teachers
just brought a random guy from the street

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and be like, "Here's Nelson Mandela."
We were like, "Why didn't you just say?

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You see, now we wasted our energy."

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[clicks tongue] "This guy."

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We didn't care. We didn't know.
We were kids.

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2020's been…
2020's been a very interesting year.

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One thing I had to learn in 2020,

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or unlearn in 2020,

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is this idea that America is
the greatest country in the world. [tuts]

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[audience laughs]

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They're a crying shame, man.

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Top 50 at best. Top 50.

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Up there with Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.

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[audience laughs]

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Malawi. You know,
they are in competition. In competition.

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No, no, I mean, now they've got Biden,
but we didn't forget Trump.

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There was a whole, full Trump…

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I was like, "Yo, Trump is the crazy--

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Trump is by far the craziest thing
I've seen in a very long time."

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One time, right, 2016, it's 2016,

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the day Donald Trump was elected to be
the American president, I was in New York.

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I'd been in New York
for, like, a week. I met this girl,

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this woman, and she was great.
We were fan-- It was a fantastic vibe.

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We were into each other, it was a…

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You know… you know those feelings.

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She was fantastic. You know, vibes.

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Date number one's good, date number two.

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You know the feeling,
it was good times. Ooh-whee!

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So now, on date number four,
this person takes me to an election party.

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Dunno if you've ever been--

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These people
take the election very serious.

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They have a party where they have screens
reporting on the election.

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In South Africa, we don't do that.

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We know who's going to win.
We're like, "Yeah, the ANC."

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African National Congress
is going to win the election.

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Is it majority or not, we don't know.

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So yeah. So, um…

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I'm at this election party, we vibing,

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and this is the fourth date,
we were getting into each other.

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I thought I'm gonna
spend the night at her house.

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Now we're at the party.
Everything is amazing.

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Everything is going fine.
"Would you like more wine?" "Yes."

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[audience laughs]

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Those kind of dates. You know.

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Anyway, so,
at some point they realize that…

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Trump is leading in the elections.
The whole mood in New York is gloomy.

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The whole room, gloomy.

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I'm like, "Ah, shit."

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At some point, Trump wins the election.

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Ah! Everyone in the room starts crying.
But not like… [whimpers]

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Proper… [sobs]

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My date is crying as well. Now, I'm like,
"Okay, cool. I hear the elections,

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but are we still…"

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[audience laughs]

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"We still going to my house?"
She's like, "No, walk me home."

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I'm like, "Ahh, this motherfucker
Trump killed me!"

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That's why I'm mad at Trump.
He cost me some pussy. That's why…

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[chuckles]

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That's why I don't like Trump.

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He says crazy-- He says crazy--

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Okay, he said he didn't want people
from shithole countries coming to America.

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He doesn't want people
from shithole countries to come.

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He wants people from Norway
to come to America.

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I thought to myself,
"This nigga's never been to Norway."

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[chuckles]

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There is nobody in Norway going,
"I need to go to America."

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I've been to Norway. Those white people
are enjoying their whiteness. [laughs]

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They walk on the street,
they can taste it in the air. Mmm!"

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[audience laughs]

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"Delicious. Snow and salmon,
you can't go wrong."

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Snow and salmon is white heaven,
I'll tell you that for free.

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No white person is thinking
of America in Norway.

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"I don't give a fuck."

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I'm 37. I'm 37 years old,

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and I realized at 37 there's things
that I got to unpack about my life.

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Everybody's got to.

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It's like, you know
when you upgrade your cell phone?

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When you up--

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Just randomly on a Tuesday, it'll say,
"Would you like to upgrade your iOS?"

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You're like,
"There's no need at all. My phone's fine."

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And then you download another app.

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A random app, right?

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The app goes,
"I don't work without an update."

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[audience laughs]

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"Fuck!" You have to update,
and I'm like, "That's how life works."

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That's how life works.

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You have to constantly upgrade
your software. You have to, right?

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I get so perplexed sometimes
when I'm having a debate with people,

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we're discussing abortion,
and they quote the Bible,

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and I'm like,
"Man, that was written 2,000 years ago.

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They didn't have sandwiches
and air conditioning."

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I don't think you can
just quote the Bible in 2020.

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Do you know how long ago…

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Know how long ago
that was written?

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People were getting
their teeth removed by barbers.

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-That guy would cut…
-[audience laughs]

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The guy will cut your teeth.

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You know how crazy it is
to quote something…

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Shit you're quoting,
people were being hung in crosses.

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Do you understand how crazy that is?

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Like, "Yes, but Moses said…"

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Moses was living in a very different time.

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This-- The Bible says stupid things.
"Love thy neighbor."

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Have you ever lived in a complex?
Have you ever lived--

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[audience laughs]

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Love my neighbor?

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Fuck my neighbor.
Fuck my neighbor.

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Love my space. That nigga's
always making noise, fuck him.

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[audience laughs]

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[Gola chuckles]

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I don't love my neighbor. Get out of here.

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So…

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This is how I actually got to this
realization that I have to unlearn.

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It's quite a-- It's a quite…

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[exhales] …intricate journey. Go with me.

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So, I'm watching Godfather.
You guys seen Godfather?

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I'm watching Godfather during lockdown.

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I'm watching it. I'm like,
"Oh my God, this is great."

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If you haven't, Marlon Brando
plays Godfather Vito Corleone.

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[in Italian accent] Vito Corleone.

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Three-hour movie… [mumbles]

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That's how the don talks. [mumbles]

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[continues mumbling]

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Three fucking hours.

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[audience laughs]

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[continues mumbling]

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Not one scene where someone goes,
"Sorry, I didn't get the last part."

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[audience laughs]

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"You are not clear, my brother.

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You've just ordered us to kill
a whole family.

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We didn't get the address.

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We need at least the address.
Is it street? Avenue?

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What? What? What?

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Put down the cat and write it down."

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You know, he's like…

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So, I loved the movie so much,
I watched all the movies. All the movies.

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When Francis Coppola
was trying to make this movie,

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the Mafia tried to stop him.
He had to sit with them and negotiate.

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And one of the conditions
that the Mafia said to him was,

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um, don't mention
the word "Mafia" in the movie.

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If you watch all the movies,

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they only mention
the word "Mafia" twice in all the movies.

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The movie came out eventually
and it was such a success,

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when the Mafia watched the movie,

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right, they loved it so much,

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they were like,
"We need to act more like that."

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Blew my mind.

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I was like, "Holy shit,
how much of my life is like that?"

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How much of your life is?

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How much of your life is just living off
other people's expectations of you?

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You're living other people's imaginations.

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After that whole experience happened
in my brain, I started questioning things.

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For instance, my friend got engaged,

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and he bought
this expensive, um, engagement ring,

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and I was excited, but my brain goes,
"Where does an engagement ring come from?"

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"Where did this thing come from?"

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It turns out an engagement ring
was an idea from De Beers.

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It was an advertising campaign
by De Beers.

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Because they were like,
"The sales of diamonds are not doing well.

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How do we get people--"

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If you're trying
to get people to drink Coca-Cola,

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you come up with an ad campaign.

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They were trying to sell diamonds.

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Cut to 100 years later, we still buy it.

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The women are looking at me going,
"We hear you…"

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[audience laughs]

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"…but I want my motherfucking ring."

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And I get it. I get it. I get it.

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Like, I'm in a restaurant,

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people are eating whatever,

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I'm looking at the menu,

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I see, "Oh, lobster."

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Lobster is
the most expensive thing in the menu.

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Always. Why?

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Went to investigate.

242
00:11:54.400 --> 00:11:57.280
Discovered that lobster
used to be slave food.

243
00:11:57.360 --> 00:11:58.440
Did you know that?

244
00:11:58.520 --> 00:12:02.760
How crazy is that? Lobster used to be
slave and peasant food in America.

245
00:12:02.840 --> 00:12:05.800
Then what happened is the slaves
and peasants just rebelled.

246
00:12:05.880 --> 00:12:08.680
The workers were like,
"We're tired of eating lobster."

247
00:12:08.760 --> 00:12:12.200
They burned shit down.
Think of Black Lives Matter protest,

248
00:12:12.280 --> 00:12:14.160
but if you ask,
"What are you fighting for?"

249
00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:18.600
They were like, "We're tired of lobster!
Fuck this lobster!" Pow!

250
00:12:19.520 --> 00:12:22.040
Shit is exploding. Really, yes.

251
00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:25.200
When you get home tonight,
please Google "the Lobster Revolt."

252
00:12:25.280 --> 00:12:28.960
And then lobster became this food
that no one wanted to eat.

253
00:12:29.040 --> 00:12:32.720
Then they had to re-market lobster,
and that's why lobster's so expensive.

254
00:12:32.800 --> 00:12:34.400
There's no real fucking reason.

255
00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:36.440
Do you understand?

256
00:12:36.520 --> 00:12:39.080
My brain is exploding
with all this information.

257
00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:44.280
It's-- Everything that happens
in my life, right? right?

258
00:12:44.360 --> 00:12:48.080
I'll be meeting up with a friend.
"I'm running a bit late, I had to shave."

259
00:12:48.160 --> 00:12:50.600
I'm like, "When did women shave?"

260
00:12:50.680 --> 00:12:53.280
Started figuring out
when did women start shaving.

261
00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:55.240
Gillette.

262
00:12:55.840 --> 00:12:57.840
Women didn't care about shaving
and men didn't--

263
00:12:57.920 --> 00:13:00.800
We were going to fuck
your hairy asses. We didn't give…

264
00:13:00.880 --> 00:13:01.760
[audience laughs]

265
00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:05.200
We didn't give a fuck until 100 years ago.

266
00:13:06.960 --> 00:13:08.480
Gillette decided,

267
00:13:08.560 --> 00:13:10.960
'cause men used to
go off to war and fight--

268
00:13:11.520 --> 00:13:13.160
"Who's going to buy my blades?"

269
00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:16.000
He convinced women to shave.
Women didn't give a shit.

270
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:17.720
And guess what, men also don't--

271
00:13:17.800 --> 00:13:20.000
We don't give a shit
if you're hairy or not.

272
00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:22.840
Okay, let me give you an example
of how men think.

273
00:13:22.920 --> 00:13:26.720
A friend of mine was in a car accident,
he'll never be able to walk again.

274
00:13:27.560 --> 00:13:28.400
Ever.

275
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:31.680
Two weeks after,
we went to visit in the hospital.

276
00:13:31.760 --> 00:13:34.760
He was lying there. [groans]
There… Ugh.

277
00:13:36.920 --> 00:13:39.920
We go to the doctor, say,
"What's going on, is he okay?"

278
00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:41.880
He's like, "He'll never walk."

279
00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:44.960
We're like, "Doc, more importantly,
will he ever be able to…"

280
00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:48.920
Doc was like, "He'll be fine."
I'm like, "What's the problem?"

281
00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:51.160
-[audience laughs]
-"What's the issue here?"

282
00:13:51.240 --> 00:13:54.320
"Come on, man. Get dressed.
Let's go, bro. What the fuck?"

283
00:13:54.400 --> 00:13:56.120
That's how men are. We don't care.

284
00:13:57.080 --> 00:13:57.920
[Gola chuckles]

285
00:13:59.640 --> 00:14:02.160
That's right, man.
You're drinking wine over there?

286
00:14:02.680 --> 00:14:03.920
Wine. It's red wine?

287
00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.440
Do you know
where the wine glass comes from?

288
00:14:07.520 --> 00:14:11.800
You ever thought, like, why that glass
looks like that versus a tumbler? No?

289
00:14:12.600 --> 00:14:16.560
In the 15th century, there was a gentleman
who was a Venetian glassmaker.

290
00:14:16.640 --> 00:14:19.000
So they-- Winemakers
used to make all this wine

291
00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:21.880
and then people
used to guzzle the wine. Like… [gulping]

292
00:14:21.960 --> 00:14:24.240
They used to drink… [gulping]

293
00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:25.920
You know, they just drink it.

294
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:29.600
The winemakers would be like,
"We want people to appreciate this wine."

295
00:14:29.680 --> 00:14:33.360
This Venetian glassmaker was like,
"I'm going to make a glass so delicate,

296
00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:37.120
when people hold it, it could break,
so they gotta hold it delicately.

297
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:39.480
If they hold it delicately,
they'll drink it delicately."

298
00:14:39.560 --> 00:14:40.920
When they drink delicately,

299
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:44.400
they'll taste the delicious wine
we spent all this time making."

300
00:14:44.880 --> 00:14:48.600
That's how the wine glass exists.
That's how it exists.

301
00:14:48.680 --> 00:14:51.800
Some of you are looking at me going,
"I do hold it delicately."

302
00:14:51.880 --> 00:14:52.880
[audience laughs]

303
00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:55.440
"No, holding. Not a problem.
Very delicate.

304
00:14:56.280 --> 00:14:59.280
But when it's time to throw it down?
No, not a joke.

305
00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:01.200
We're chugging, chugging. [gulps]

306
00:15:02.040 --> 00:15:03.920
It's a Friday, I've got problems."

307
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:05.120
[chuckles]

308
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:09.240
Yeah, I mean, I haven't traveled
in a while, but in my travels,

309
00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:14.520
I learned so much about myself as well.
What did I learn about myself? I learned--

310
00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:17.560
When I was traveling Europe
and I ended up in Lithuania,

311
00:15:17.640 --> 00:15:20.440
I did realize that I cannot deal with

312
00:15:20.520 --> 00:15:23.000
more than three
poor white people at a time.

313
00:15:23.760 --> 00:15:25.720
-[audience member laughs] Three!
-Three.

314
00:15:25.800 --> 00:15:28.040
[audience laughs]

315
00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:28.960
Three…

316
00:15:29.760 --> 00:15:32.320
More than three is traumatic.
I'm like, "Jesus!"

317
00:15:33.480 --> 00:15:35.720
Just-- Fuck this trauma, I was always…

318
00:15:35.800 --> 00:15:36.720
'Cause Lithuania--

319
00:15:36.800 --> 00:15:39.600
When we think of Europe,
we think of rich countries. No.

320
00:15:39.680 --> 00:15:41.560
In Lithuania, they are poor-poor.

321
00:15:41.640 --> 00:15:44.000
And you're just like, "Guys…" [tuts]

322
00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:49.000
'Cause I grew up in South Africa
a specific way.

323
00:15:49.080 --> 00:15:51.040
'Cause I grew up in South Africa…

324
00:15:52.320 --> 00:15:58.040
my brain made poverty and suffering
synonymous with Blackness.

325
00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:02.200
Which is a crazy thing,
which I'm trying to unlearn as well.

326
00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.640
But when I'm in Lithuania, I see people
starving on the street sometimes.

327
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:10.640
Instead of helping,
giving the person, uh, some money,

328
00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:13.800
my brain just goes,
"You're white, get your shit together."

329
00:16:13.880 --> 00:16:15.240
[audience laughs]

330
00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:16.400
"Come on, man.

331
00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:17.640
Get your shit together.

332
00:16:17.720 --> 00:16:19.680
If I had an eighth of your whiteness,

333
00:16:19.760 --> 00:16:21.800
I'd be taking over the world. Come on!"

334
00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:25.360
You know what I mean?

335
00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:28.560
That's how the brain works.
The brain is a very peculiar thing.

336
00:16:28.640 --> 00:16:32.840
Like, the brain just connects dots
that make no sense sometimes, right?

337
00:16:32.920 --> 00:16:35.960
For instance,
if you were rolling with ten gay dudes,

338
00:16:36.600 --> 00:16:38.920
the whole day,
you guys are having a good time,

339
00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:41.760
and all they drink
the whole day is cream soda,

340
00:16:41.840 --> 00:16:44.440
your brain goes,
"Gay people love cream soda."

341
00:16:45.080 --> 00:16:46.520
That's what your brain says.

342
00:16:46.600 --> 00:16:50.000
That's stuck in your brain now.
"Gays and cream soda."

343
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:51.440
[audience laughs]

344
00:16:51.520 --> 00:16:53.960
You're 60 years old,
your grandchildren are like,

345
00:16:54.040 --> 00:16:56.080
"What do you know about homosexuality?"

346
00:16:56.160 --> 00:17:00.200
"Cream soda, like this.
They love cream soda!"

347
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:03.280
"Those people love cream soda."

348
00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:05.760
"Are you sure, Grandpa?"
"Yes, love it. Love it.

349
00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:10.400
Once upon a time in 2020,
I saw them cream soda-ing the whole day."

350
00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:16.080
I remember when I--
I remember before I even met white people,

351
00:17:16.160 --> 00:17:20.000
the first thing I thought of white people
is they don't finish breakfast.

352
00:17:20.080 --> 00:17:21.080
That's the only--

353
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:25.440
'Cause every time on TV,
they would not finish their breakfast.

354
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:29.960
They'd be like, "Mommy, I gotta go."
You'd be like, "Finish man, shit!"

355
00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:33.800
That's how the brain works,
is what I'm telling you.

356
00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:36.040
When I first went to school
with white kids,

357
00:17:36.120 --> 00:17:38.600
white people blew my mind.
I couldn't believe--

358
00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:40.880
All the shit that white people, my brain--

359
00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:43.520
Like, I remember
I had a friend, Seth Langley,

360
00:17:43.600 --> 00:17:45.960
and Seth Langley
was eating a tuna sandwich.

361
00:17:46.040 --> 00:17:48.320
A tuna sandwich.

362
00:17:49.080 --> 00:17:53.120
Right? I couldn't believe, 'cause tuna
was a thing of Christmas in my life.

363
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:54.200
This guy, first--

364
00:17:54.280 --> 00:17:55.760
[audience laughs]

365
00:17:55.840 --> 00:17:57.760
First break, tuna.

366
00:17:57.840 --> 00:17:58.680
Fuck.

367
00:17:59.840 --> 00:18:01.560
Casual-casual. Not even…

368
00:18:03.800 --> 00:18:06.840
Not even extra enjoyment.
Just… [chomping] Casual.

369
00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:12.800
Casually eating tuna on a Tuesday morning,
I couldn't believe.

370
00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:15.760
My brain was blown away.
I was asking stupid questions.

371
00:18:15.840 --> 00:18:19.600
Questions like,
"So, so, have you been saving…"

372
00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:21.440
[audience laughs]

373
00:18:21.520 --> 00:18:24.480
"…have you been saving
this sandwich since December?"

374
00:18:25.120 --> 00:18:27.560
He's like,
"No, my mother made it this morning."

375
00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:29.320
"This morning?" "Yes."

376
00:18:29.400 --> 00:18:31.160
I'm like, "Jesus Christ.

377
00:18:31.240 --> 00:18:33.920
So, you mean, at your house
right now, right now--

378
00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.920
You mean at your house now,
there's tuna?"

379
00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:39.560
He's like, "Yes."
I said, "I'm coming over."

380
00:18:40.800 --> 00:18:42.400
You know these people are ri--

381
00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:46.680
Yo, dude, I live in, like,
a… a 60-square-meter house.

382
00:18:46.760 --> 00:18:48.240
These people live in the ma--

383
00:18:48.320 --> 00:18:50.680
They had a basketball court,
and a tennis court,

384
00:18:50.760 --> 00:18:52.520
6 driveways, I couldn't believe it.

385
00:18:52.600 --> 00:18:56.080
It blew my mind and we're there,
and Seth Langley's parents are like,

386
00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:59.520
"You don't have to…
you don't have to call me Mr. Langley."

387
00:18:59.600 --> 00:19:00.520
His dad.

388
00:19:00.600 --> 00:19:03.960
"You don't have to call me Mr. Langley.
You can call me David."

389
00:19:04.040 --> 00:19:07.400
I said, "No, my brother,
I'm going to call you Mr. Langley.

390
00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:10.000
'Cause one day, I will call you David,

391
00:19:10.080 --> 00:19:12.400
my mother'll be there,
she'll look at me like…"

392
00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:15.200
-[audience laughs]
-"He said I could. He said I could."

393
00:19:16.800 --> 00:19:20.600
Your mother didn't hear that shit.
"Don't talk like that to old people."

394
00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:22.600
So, I'm at Seth's house.

395
00:19:22.680 --> 00:19:24.360
I'd never seen a house this big.

396
00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.560
I'd never been inside
a house this big in my entire existence.

397
00:19:28.680 --> 00:19:29.840
This house was amazing.

398
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.200
We're playing PlayStation,
everything is cool…

399
00:19:32.280 --> 00:19:35.280
No, it wasn't PlayStation,
it was Sega Genesis at the time.

400
00:19:36.560 --> 00:19:40.240
And at night, Seth Langley's like,
"Let's play hide and seek."

401
00:19:41.000 --> 00:19:42.280
Yo!

402
00:19:42.840 --> 00:19:47.400
I couldn't be-- I didn't even know
you could play hide and seek indoors.

403
00:19:47.480 --> 00:19:48.640
Indoors!

404
00:19:49.400 --> 00:19:54.480
Hide and-- Hide and seek indoors!

405
00:19:55.600 --> 00:19:58.120
You know what I'm--
I grew up in a tiny house.

406
00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:01.520
What do you mean, indoors?
You can't play hide and seek in--

407
00:20:01.600 --> 00:20:03.800
"I see you in the kitchen,
get the fuck out."

408
00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:06.880
"There's no… Are you crazy?"

409
00:20:09.120 --> 00:20:10.840
I'm at this house.

410
00:20:10.920 --> 00:20:13.600
I'm super excited to be at this house.

411
00:20:14.360 --> 00:20:17.520
And I'm super excited
to play hide and seek,

412
00:20:17.600 --> 00:20:22.320
and I run off to hide.
I don't even know where I'm running.

413
00:20:22.400 --> 00:20:24.560
This house is big.
I was lost in the house.

414
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:28.000
You know when you're lost,
you're like, "What the hell is going on?

415
00:20:28.080 --> 00:20:30.680
'Cause in six hours, no one has found me."

416
00:20:30.760 --> 00:20:33.000
Now, you're just hiding,
you're like, "Mmm."

417
00:20:34.760 --> 00:20:37.560
They found me eventually,
but the way they found me was,

418
00:20:37.640 --> 00:20:41.040
you know back in the day,
you just remembered people's numbers.

419
00:20:41.120 --> 00:20:42.920
So, I found a phone in the house…

420
00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:47.600
and I just dialed.
I said, "Hey, guys, uh, I'm lost."

421
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:49.880
"I'm here, but I'm not here."

422
00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:51.040
[audience laughs]

423
00:20:51.120 --> 00:20:53.320
And they were like, "What's around you?"

424
00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:58.480
"I see… I see books.
I see books and a statue of a dog."

425
00:21:00.120 --> 00:21:01.800
"Ah, you're in the other study."

426
00:21:01.880 --> 00:21:04.080
"Yes, come get me, please. Come.

427
00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:06.320
Send a search party, please."

428
00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:09.440
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

429
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:13.800
When I was in school, I had my friend.

430
00:21:13.880 --> 00:21:15.440
Seth… Seth Langley was my boy.

431
00:21:15.520 --> 00:21:16.920
Like, he was my boy-boy.

432
00:21:17.760 --> 00:21:19.200
He was my fucking boy.

433
00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:23.560
We'd get into trouble,
then my mom would go,

434
00:21:23.640 --> 00:21:27.800
"If Seth Langley jumps into a fire,
are you also jumping into a fire?"

435
00:21:29.240 --> 00:21:33.920
I'm like, "Yeah,  why would I
leave my friend… lonely in the fire?

436
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.600
Now he's burning alone.
What the fuck?"

437
00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:38.880
[chuckles]

438
00:21:39.560 --> 00:21:43.280
This one time, Seth Langley says to me…
[laughs] Seth Langley says to me,

439
00:21:43.360 --> 00:21:45.080
"Loyiso, let's blow up some shit."

440
00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:50.080
When someone says blow up some shit,
you're not thinking actual shit.

441
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:52.320
No, this guy was talking actual feces.

442
00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:57.920
So, I'm like, "Shit, this is crazy.
Okay, tell me more about this plan."

443
00:21:59.280 --> 00:22:02.600
"Loyiso, I've been shitting
in this briefcase for a week, brother."

444
00:22:02.680 --> 00:22:03.520
"What?"

445
00:22:04.240 --> 00:22:05.720
"I've been eating fiber.

446
00:22:06.440 --> 00:22:07.840
It's flowing out there.

447
00:22:08.600 --> 00:22:10.400
I've got poop in the briefcase."

448
00:22:11.280 --> 00:22:13.760
"Where's… where's the poop now?
Where is it?"

449
00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:17.200
"The back of the school.
I've got the poop ready."

450
00:22:17.280 --> 00:22:18.120
"Okay.

451
00:22:19.720 --> 00:22:22.200
What… what… what is my…

452
00:22:23.360 --> 00:22:25.240
what is my involvement?"

453
00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:26.960
"Listen, Loyiso,

454
00:22:27.800 --> 00:22:31.600
I want you… I want you
to take the briefcase full of poop,

455
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:34.280
put firecrackers in the poop,

456
00:22:35.080 --> 00:22:38.080
light the poop in the playground
where the kids are playing

457
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:40.480
and let it explode
and fuck up everyone's day."

458
00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:44.360
I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah"

459
00:22:45.360 --> 00:22:47.800
"That is a fantastic idea. Let's do it."

460
00:22:47.880 --> 00:22:50.720
My only concern is,
I didn't know how far I had to be…

461
00:22:50.800 --> 00:22:52.000
[chuckles]

462
00:22:52.080 --> 00:22:55.480
…when the poop is exploding,
to be out of harm's way, you know?

463
00:22:55.560 --> 00:22:57.600
'Cause you must remember, this is '96.

464
00:22:57.680 --> 00:22:59.800
They had never done this on Mythbusters.

465
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:05.120
Some of you don't know Mythbusters.
It's a show on Discovery Channel,

466
00:23:05.200 --> 00:23:08.800
and the whole point of the show
is to debunk or confirm myths.

467
00:23:09.440 --> 00:23:11.000
Could be a physiological myth,

468
00:23:11.760 --> 00:23:14.800
could be a scientific myth,
it could even be just a saying.

469
00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:18.360
You know that saying,
"As clumsy as a bull in a china shop."

470
00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:19.520
You know that saying?

471
00:23:20.120 --> 00:23:23.080
In one episode, they took a bull
and put it in a china shop,

472
00:23:23.160 --> 00:23:25.120
and the bull didn't break a thing.

473
00:23:25.200 --> 00:23:28.480
The bull was like,
"I'm the first bull in my family on TV."

474
00:23:28.560 --> 00:23:29.960
[audience laughs]

475
00:23:30.040 --> 00:23:32.120
"Why am I embarrassing my people?"

476
00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:33.840
"Why?

477
00:23:35.680 --> 00:23:36.840
Why?

478
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:39.840
We just made it onto the cap
of the Chicago Bulls."

479
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:41.280
[audience laughs]

480
00:23:41.360 --> 00:23:43.320
"Now you want us to fuck with…"

481
00:23:43.400 --> 00:23:44.920
Mm-mmm. [chuckles]

482
00:23:45.400 --> 00:23:47.880
It's crazy. If you go online,
go Google that.

483
00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:51.560
Mythbusters, bull in a china shop.

484
00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:54.000
So…

485
00:23:54.560 --> 00:23:58.160
Fucking-- The whole place
is covered in poop. I'm telling you.

486
00:23:58.920 --> 00:24:02.120
Everybody's covered in shit.
Like, covered-covered in shit.

487
00:24:02.200 --> 00:24:05.400
Everybody's covered in shit.
It was quite a crazy thing.

488
00:24:05.480 --> 00:24:06.880
Covered in shit.

489
00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:10.480
Here's the thing, if the whole…
if the whole school's covered in poop,

490
00:24:11.520 --> 00:24:12.760
school is over.

491
00:24:12.840 --> 00:24:15.440
You can't go to maths casually.

492
00:24:15.520 --> 00:24:18.080
Choir, rugby, it's over!

493
00:24:19.000 --> 00:24:21.800
Parents are getting calls.
"Come pick up your child."

494
00:24:21.880 --> 00:24:23.640
"Why?"
"No, he's covered in shit.

495
00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:26.120
Everyone. In fact,
I'm covered in shit as well.

496
00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:28.120
As I'm talking, I've covered in shit."

497
00:24:28.800 --> 00:24:31.960
So, me and Seth Langley
get kicked out of school,

498
00:24:32.040 --> 00:24:33.680
'cause upon investigation,

499
00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:36.600
they kick us out of school.

500
00:24:36.680 --> 00:24:39.200
They sent me to a school in Athlone.

501
00:24:39.280 --> 00:24:41.280
Seth goes to another private school.

502
00:24:41.360 --> 00:24:43.680
You know those private schools
for delinquents?

503
00:24:44.640 --> 00:24:46.720
You know those ones?
They're expensive.

504
00:24:46.800 --> 00:24:49.960
The school is like, "You know
how your child is, give us extra."

505
00:24:52.120 --> 00:24:54.240
You know, like, "I'm at a private school."

506
00:24:54.320 --> 00:24:56.960
"Yeah, but not… really-really."

507
00:24:57.960 --> 00:25:00.160
You know those.
So, he goes to one of those.

508
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:03.200
I go to, like, a school in… in Rylands,

509
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:07.320
which is a predominantly Muslim community,

510
00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:09.840
which is another world for me.

511
00:25:09.920 --> 00:25:13.520
Because there, it's on-on.
It's like, yeah, no, it's Muslim…

512
00:25:13.600 --> 00:25:16.160
It's not a madrassa.
I don't know if you guys…

513
00:25:17.680 --> 00:25:22.680
A madrassa is a school where they teach
the teachings of Islam and the Koran.

514
00:25:22.760 --> 00:25:27.840
No, that's not a madr--
It's a school in a Muslim neighborhood

515
00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:32.040
that just teaches you regular shit
like maths and English.

516
00:25:32.560 --> 00:25:35.080
You know? That's what it is.
It's not a madrassa.

517
00:25:35.160 --> 00:25:38.720
I don't want people going,
"You went to a madrassa." No. I didn't.

518
00:25:38.800 --> 00:25:41.600
I didn't-- I still want to run
for American presidency.

519
00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:43.680
[chuckling]

520
00:25:43.760 --> 00:25:47.560
I did realize when I was
at that very young age…

521
00:25:48.800 --> 00:25:51.280
that I was always
learning different things,

522
00:25:51.360 --> 00:25:54.560
and when I think about it,
I think I learned a lot

523
00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:58.760
just by this ability to adapt
to all these different situations I was in

524
00:25:58.840 --> 00:25:59.920
as a young person.

525
00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:02.680
I was living in the township,
school with Muslim kids,

526
00:26:02.760 --> 00:26:07.000
I was with white kids, so culturally I was
in touch with what everyone was up to.

527
00:26:07.080 --> 00:26:11.040
For me, that's the biggest learning.
I learned so much at that school.

528
00:26:11.120 --> 00:26:13.160
Like, do you guys know about istinja?

529
00:26:13.760 --> 00:26:15.280
Heard about istinja? Istinja?

530
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:18.960
Said-- He knows.
They know exactly what I'm talking about!

531
00:26:19.040 --> 00:26:21.680
Istinja. Have you--
In the Middle East, ever been--

532
00:26:21.760 --> 00:26:25.280
They have, like, a little tap on the side.

533
00:26:25.360 --> 00:26:31.200
It's… it's to-- After you've wiped,
you… you clean with water.

534
00:26:31.280 --> 00:26:34.560
It's called istinja.
It's very common in the Middle East.

535
00:26:34.640 --> 00:26:37.760
It's encouraged in the Koran,
it's a very common thing.

536
00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:39.600
That's what you do.

537
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:43.280
So, sometimes you even use
a bottle, whatever, and you clean further.

538
00:26:43.360 --> 00:26:45.680
So, this… this--
My first day of school.

539
00:26:45.760 --> 00:26:48.560
I was-- First day of school, I was, um…

540
00:26:49.160 --> 00:26:52.160
I was asking the teacher,
"Ma'am, can I go to the bathroom?"

541
00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:55.080
She's like, "Yes," and… [chuckles]

542
00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:59.280
she gives me this bottle,
no instructions, no manual, no nothing.

543
00:26:59.960 --> 00:27:01.120
She just hands me this.

544
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:03.520
I'm in the bathroom
with this thing, drinking.

545
00:27:03.600 --> 00:27:04.760
[audience laughs]

546
00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:08.640
Like, it's a bit salty but culturally
we're learning new things.

547
00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:10.480
[audience laughs]

548
00:27:10.560 --> 00:27:13.200
I'm not at a mad--
I'm at school, but this is crazy,

549
00:27:13.280 --> 00:27:16.560
because… right next to the school,
there's a mosque.

550
00:27:17.880 --> 00:27:21.160
Right? And the mosque,
the adhan goes off every day without fail.

551
00:27:21.240 --> 00:27:23.960
The adhan goes off.
Do you guys know what the adhan is?

552
00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:27.600
You guys are a bunch of nasaras. [laughs]

553
00:27:27.680 --> 00:27:31.240
He knows what I'm talking about.
Nasaras means heathens.

554
00:27:31.800 --> 00:27:36.440
Anyway, in the Muslim community,
that joke destroys!

555
00:27:36.520 --> 00:27:38.680
[audience laughs]

556
00:27:38.760 --> 00:27:40.600
They're like, "That's our guy."

557
00:27:41.520 --> 00:27:42.600
But…

558
00:27:42.680 --> 00:27:46.480
So, right next to the school,
there's a mosque and the adhan goes off.

559
00:27:46.560 --> 00:27:47.880
The call for prayers.

560
00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:51.120
[praying in Arabic]

561
00:27:51.840 --> 00:27:55.120
[repeats prayer in Arabic]

562
00:27:55.200 --> 00:27:57.240
That's… I know it very well.

563
00:27:57.320 --> 00:27:59.520
[audience laughs]

564
00:27:59.600 --> 00:28:01.400
[Gola chuckles] Um…

565
00:28:02.800 --> 00:28:04.200
That's the call for prayer.

566
00:28:04.280 --> 00:28:06.880
If you're a practicing Muslim,
if the adhan goes off,

567
00:28:06.960 --> 00:28:09.240
you're supposed to stop
whatever you're doing

568
00:28:09.320 --> 00:28:10.920
and observe the call for prayer.

569
00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:13.880
You could be in an exam, writing.

570
00:28:15.280 --> 00:28:16.360
Killing the paper.

571
00:28:17.080 --> 00:28:18.640
Maths paper too, killing.

572
00:28:19.560 --> 00:28:21.000
Adhan goes off, you stop.

573
00:28:21.880 --> 00:28:24.800
I get that. This one time,
I'm fighting this guy, Walid.

574
00:28:25.600 --> 00:28:27.600
[audience laughs]

575
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:30.120
Walid is beating the shit out of me.

576
00:28:31.320 --> 00:28:33.280
Out of nowhere, the adhan goes off.

577
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:35.320
Walid stops.

578
00:28:35.960 --> 00:28:38.000
Did I not murder Walid?

579
00:28:38.080 --> 00:28:40.520
[audience laughs]

580
00:28:40.600 --> 00:28:44.600
Oh, I fucked him up, like, thoroughly.
Fucked him, fuck…

581
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:46.480
Kicked him in the neck.

582
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:49.560
I beat the shit out of Walid.

583
00:28:49.640 --> 00:28:53.040
Why would I not fuck him up?
His own god was like, "Your turn.

584
00:28:54.600 --> 00:28:56.520
Your chance, fuck him up back."

585
00:28:57.520 --> 00:29:00.960
And I remember even, like,
during the 9/11 times, you know,

586
00:29:01.080 --> 00:29:04.720
they would be like, "These Muslims
are coming to terrorize us!"

587
00:29:04.800 --> 00:29:09.360
Then you're like, "Muslims? These ones?
No, these are the friendliest people."

588
00:29:09.440 --> 00:29:11.720
"Fahid is coming to bomb what? Fahid?

589
00:29:12.480 --> 00:29:16.160
"No, Fahid just wants a zol." [laughs]

590
00:29:17.880 --> 00:29:21.280
"He just wants a blunt and a samosa,
he is fine.

591
00:29:21.360 --> 00:29:24.480
There's no way, Shahid is blowing… No."

592
00:29:24.560 --> 00:29:27.560
It was weird because I didn't have
that connection to Islam.

593
00:29:27.640 --> 00:29:29.480
I didn't think of Islam as horrible.

594
00:29:29.560 --> 00:29:32.720
I was like, "These people, friendly.
These are friendly people."

595
00:29:33.320 --> 00:29:36.280
You know,
I kind of got involved with their culture.

596
00:29:36.360 --> 00:29:39.560
My favorite thing about Islam is
they bury you immediately.

597
00:29:40.640 --> 00:29:42.920
With Muslim people, you… you…

598
00:29:43.680 --> 00:29:46.080
You die today, one o'clock,

599
00:29:46.160 --> 00:29:47.480
6:00, gone, gone, gone.

600
00:29:47.560 --> 00:29:50.240
I feel if you're Muslim
and you go to the hospital,

601
00:29:50.320 --> 00:29:52.520
the doctor goes,
"You have 24 hours to live,"

602
00:29:52.600 --> 00:29:56.120
on the 23rd hour, your friends are going,
"Muhammad, get in the box."

603
00:29:56.200 --> 00:29:57.120
[audience laughs]

604
00:29:57.200 --> 00:29:59.360
"You're going to die, my friend, get in."

605
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:03.840
So, I finished school,
and I continued with my life,

606
00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:06.040
Seth Langley lives his life as well.

607
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:08.280
Three years ago, recently,

608
00:30:08.360 --> 00:30:11.280
he gives me a call,
says, "Loyiso, I'm getting married.

609
00:30:11.360 --> 00:30:13.960
I would like you to be
one of my groomsmen."

610
00:30:14.800 --> 00:30:17.040
I go, "Okay, cool, cool, cool.

611
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:20.120
You have my blessing.

612
00:30:21.560 --> 00:30:23.440
I approve. But…

613
00:30:24.280 --> 00:30:26.360
this person you're getting married to,

614
00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:28.800
did you tell them
once upon a time in your life,

615
00:30:29.480 --> 00:30:31.040
you blew up some poop?"

616
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:33.200
He goes, "No, Loyiso.

617
00:30:33.280 --> 00:30:35.400
Love conquers everything, brother."

618
00:30:36.080 --> 00:30:38.080
I said, "No, love doesn't conquer poop.

619
00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:40.480
You have to tell this person.

620
00:30:40.560 --> 00:30:44.280
The person has to make the decision
with all the information on the table."

621
00:30:44.360 --> 00:30:48.000
He goes, "No, Loyiso,
that's all behind us. That stuff's done.

622
00:30:48.080 --> 00:30:50.920
There's a new me now.
That-- I was a teenager."

623
00:30:51.000 --> 00:30:56.080
I said, "No, brother, for you to blow--
To think it's acceptable to blow up poop,

624
00:30:56.160 --> 00:30:59.360
there's something… there's something
that's not clicking right.

625
00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:01.240
You need to unpack that thing

626
00:31:02.280 --> 00:31:03.840
for you to move forward."

627
00:31:04.440 --> 00:31:06.480
He goes, "You're overthinking this."

628
00:31:06.560 --> 00:31:09.440
I said, "I'm not,
but I'll be at the wedding. No problem."

629
00:31:10.360 --> 00:31:13.200
The plan was to have a bachelor party
and then a wedding,

630
00:31:13.280 --> 00:31:16.120
and these, uh, these events
are separated by a week,

631
00:31:16.200 --> 00:31:19.920
so one weekend is the bachelor party,
the next weekend is the… the wedding.

632
00:31:20.680 --> 00:31:22.680
Cool. I fly from Johannesburg,

633
00:31:22.760 --> 00:31:26.040
'cause the wedding and party
are in Cape Town. I get to Cape Town.

634
00:31:26.680 --> 00:31:27.520
Great.

635
00:31:27.600 --> 00:31:29.880
I land. I'm staying at my mom's house.

636
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:33.600
Everything is great, cool.
I haven't seen my mom in a while.

637
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:37.080
We catch up. Everything is cool.
She cooks something nice.

638
00:31:37.160 --> 00:31:39.280
I change into the shirt, put on cologne.

639
00:31:39.360 --> 00:31:41.880
I'm going to the bachelor party,
it's gonna be fun.

640
00:31:42.680 --> 00:31:44.360
Get to Seth Langley's house.

641
00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:47.240
The whole room, drugs, tequila.

642
00:31:47.320 --> 00:31:49.880
What's with white people and tequila?
Guys, come on!

643
00:31:51.640 --> 00:31:52.840
Tequila.

644
00:31:54.680 --> 00:31:57.520
All kinds of drugs.
I'm like, "Guys, I… I'm not into…

645
00:31:57.600 --> 00:32:00.200
I don't want to do drugs. No, man."

646
00:32:00.280 --> 00:32:03.000
"Loyiso, stop being a fucking pussy
and just try some."

647
00:32:03.080 --> 00:32:05.440
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola sighs]

648
00:32:06.280 --> 00:32:09.200
I'm like,
"Okay, cool. I'll… I'll try some.

649
00:32:09.280 --> 00:32:13.480
Uh, I'll try… I'll only try something
that I've never tried."

650
00:32:14.080 --> 00:32:16.280
He's like,
"Loyiso, we got a bit of ecstasy."

651
00:32:16.360 --> 00:32:17.520
I'm like, "I've tried."

652
00:32:17.600 --> 00:32:19.120
"We've got…" "Yeah."

653
00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:21.080
"What is that?"

654
00:32:21.160 --> 00:32:23.760
"That's acid."
I said, "Cool. I'm going to try."

655
00:32:24.920 --> 00:32:25.920
Whoa, what?

656
00:32:26.000 --> 00:32:27.440
[audience laughs]

657
00:32:27.520 --> 00:32:31.840
Yo, acid, I am fucking tripping!

658
00:32:33.600 --> 00:32:36.840
If you've never tried acid,
it makes you hallucinate.

659
00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:38.600
You see things that aren't there.

660
00:32:38.680 --> 00:32:43.120
So, I've got a request. If there's
an acid manufacturer in the room today…

661
00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:44.600
[audience laughs]

662
00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:45.880
…I have one request.

663
00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:47.560
Can we all see the same thing?

664
00:32:47.640 --> 00:32:49.680
[audience laughs, applauds]

665
00:32:49.760 --> 00:32:52.240
Other people are seeing penguins,
I'm seeing pigs.

666
00:32:52.320 --> 00:32:55.040
Pigs flying across the room.
Like, "What's going on?"

667
00:32:55.120 --> 00:32:57.480
"A pig just flew."
"No, that was a penguin."

668
00:32:57.560 --> 00:32:59.000
I'm like, "No."

669
00:32:59.080 --> 00:33:02.080
Now we're arguing over stupid shit.
Like, this is crazy.

670
00:33:03.280 --> 00:33:05.400
They're like,
"We're gonna call an UberVAN.

671
00:33:05.480 --> 00:33:07.360
We're gonna jump into the UberVAN."

672
00:33:07.440 --> 00:33:11.200
This big Uber truck,
and we're gonna go to the bachelor party.

673
00:33:11.280 --> 00:33:12.760
I said, "Cool, cool, cool."

674
00:33:12.840 --> 00:33:17.320
As the UberVAN arrives, I am so high,
in my brain, this is a submarine.

675
00:33:17.400 --> 00:33:19.360
I'm like, "Beautiful.

676
00:33:19.440 --> 00:33:22.240
What a stylish way to travel. What…

677
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:27.280
You know the touch. Seth Langley,
I love the touch. I love it."

678
00:33:27.360 --> 00:33:30.080
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

679
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:33.040
You know, now,
in the… in the Uber,

680
00:33:33.120 --> 00:33:37.680
my brain is going, "Why do I not have
the submarine option on my Uber app? Why?

681
00:33:37.760 --> 00:33:41.200
These white people are hiding things
from us again. Why?"

682
00:33:41.280 --> 00:33:44.920
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

683
00:33:45.760 --> 00:33:47.480
I'm-- Guys, I'm finished.

684
00:33:47.560 --> 00:33:50.080
You know when you're like,
"Woo-hoo, I'm tripping."

685
00:33:51.080 --> 00:33:53.640
Pigs are flying across,
we get to the strip club.

686
00:33:53.720 --> 00:33:57.880
I don't particularly like strip clubs.
The reason I don't is the same reason--

687
00:33:57.960 --> 00:34:00.640
You know when you're driving
outside of a major city,

688
00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:03.640
like outside Cape Town,
and you're going to another city,

689
00:34:03.720 --> 00:34:06.800
and in-between the cities,
there's like this beautiful nature?

690
00:34:06.880 --> 00:34:09.680
You leave and you're like,
"Oh my God, nature,

691
00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:13.400
trees, mountain, cows,
springbok, all kinds of animals."

692
00:34:13.480 --> 00:34:15.640
And it's beautiful, and it's such scenery.

693
00:34:15.720 --> 00:34:18.320
And you're like--
Your trip is five hours, right?

694
00:34:18.400 --> 00:34:21.720
The first 45 minutes,
you're enjoying all of it. "Oh, my word."

695
00:34:21.800 --> 00:34:23.440
Then after an hour, you're like,

696
00:34:23.520 --> 00:34:26.120
"Fuck this nature.
I need to get to Durban."

697
00:34:26.200 --> 00:34:29.320
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

698
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:31.960
You're like,
"I don't give a shit about nature."

699
00:34:32.040 --> 00:34:34.200
We-- That's how I feel in the strip club.

700
00:34:34.280 --> 00:34:36.440
"I've seen your titties,
do something else.

701
00:34:37.520 --> 00:34:39.400
Juggle, juggle, something.

702
00:34:39.920 --> 00:34:42.680
Grab two balls.
Grab… grab the bottles and juggle.

703
00:34:44.480 --> 00:34:47.640
Your titties are not impressive anymore.
That's how I feel."

704
00:34:47.720 --> 00:34:51.400
So, anyways,
I'm so goofed. I'm so goofed, right?

705
00:34:51.480 --> 00:34:54.680
I'm so goofed that as the strippers
are walking up and down,

706
00:34:54.760 --> 00:34:55.960
in my brain, I'm like,

707
00:34:56.040 --> 00:34:57.880
they look like they're full-on pigs.

708
00:34:57.960 --> 00:35:01.800
I'm thinking, "Pork chop number one,
pork chop number two, pork chop…"

709
00:35:01.880 --> 00:35:03.160
They're dancing all over.

710
00:35:06.120 --> 00:35:08.640
At some point,
some… some conflict happened.

711
00:35:08.720 --> 00:35:12.520
So, I don't know what's happening.
Some guy next to us, with his friends,

712
00:35:12.600 --> 00:35:14.160
starts yelling at one stripper.

713
00:35:15.520 --> 00:35:20.200
I come to the stripper's defense. I go,
"Hey, man! Stop yelling at this pig!"

714
00:35:20.280 --> 00:35:22.120
She's like, "Who you calling a pig?"

715
00:35:22.200 --> 00:35:23.960
[audience laughs]

716
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:28.040
She flips out. "Who you calling a pig?"
Calls the bouncer, bouncer kicks me out.

717
00:35:28.120 --> 00:35:29.760
I'm like, "No, I'm high.

718
00:35:30.560 --> 00:35:32.160
You look like a dolphin."

719
00:35:33.600 --> 00:35:37.280
They kick me out and I'm outside,
and he kicked the other guy as well.

720
00:35:37.360 --> 00:35:40.720
Now, me and this other guy
who were involved are standing outside.

721
00:35:40.800 --> 00:35:42.040
This guy wants to fight.

722
00:35:42.120 --> 00:35:43.720
I don't want to fight this guy,

723
00:35:44.480 --> 00:35:46.640
'cause I'm… I'm 37 years old.

724
00:35:47.440 --> 00:35:51.240
Right? If he elbows me in the eye,
that shit will heal in six months.

725
00:35:51.320 --> 00:35:53.120
[Gola laughs]

726
00:35:53.200 --> 00:35:57.080
Like, when you're old, they punch you,
now you have a blue eye for six months.

727
00:35:57.160 --> 00:35:59.840
You know how fucking stupid that is?
Or they kick you…

728
00:36:02.280 --> 00:36:04.920
For six months.
No, I don't want that shit.

729
00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:08.440
Also, I just don't like this idea
of being a tough guy all the time.

730
00:36:09.120 --> 00:36:12.120
'Cause women… You know what?
Fucking women…

731
00:36:13.120 --> 00:36:15.680
I call my women friends, like,
"What are you up to?"

732
00:36:15.760 --> 00:36:18.080
"I'm just going to
drink champagne and cry."

733
00:36:18.160 --> 00:36:19.000
"What?"

734
00:36:20.080 --> 00:36:22.040
"Sit at home, drink champagne and cry."

735
00:36:22.120 --> 00:36:24.760
I'm like, "I… I want to do that."

736
00:36:24.840 --> 00:36:26.160
[audience laughs]

737
00:36:26.240 --> 00:36:29.080
"I want…
I want to drink champagne and cry."

738
00:36:29.160 --> 00:36:32.760
Why is it only allowed for you guys
to drink champagne and cry?

739
00:36:32.840 --> 00:36:35.320
I want to drink champagne
and cry, too. Why?

740
00:36:36.080 --> 00:36:37.760
So I envy you for that. That's a…

741
00:36:37.840 --> 00:36:41.120
I envy you. You can be like,
"I'm just going to sit here and…"

742
00:36:41.200 --> 00:36:43.240
Men, we're supposed
to be tough all the time.

743
00:36:43.320 --> 00:36:47.600
I'm like, "No, I don't want to be tough
all the time, it's exhausting."

744
00:36:47.680 --> 00:36:49.400
This guy wants to fight me,

745
00:36:49.480 --> 00:36:52.200
he wants me to be tough,
to stand my ground.

746
00:36:52.280 --> 00:36:54.360
I'm like, "I'm not involved, really."

747
00:36:55.600 --> 00:36:58.000
He's trying to taunt me,
"Your mother's a whore!"

748
00:36:58.080 --> 00:37:01.240
I'm like, "My mother's 60,
there's no way she's a whore.

749
00:37:01.320 --> 00:37:05.120
My mother can't even stand
a cold breeze from a cracked window.

750
00:37:05.200 --> 00:37:07.840
There is no way that person
is standing in the middle of the night

751
00:37:07.920 --> 00:37:11.040
in a street corner,
mini-skirt, selling pussy."

752
00:37:11.720 --> 00:37:15.400
"I'm not offended, 'cause your insults
are factually incorrect."

753
00:37:15.480 --> 00:37:18.120
[laughter, applause]

754
00:37:19.120 --> 00:37:23.600
Now the guy is losing his mind.
He's like, "Fuck you! Fuck you!"

755
00:37:24.240 --> 00:37:26.200
"I fucked your mom."
"Leave that person alone."

756
00:37:26.280 --> 00:37:29.080
"Listen, you are
a good-looking person in your 30s,

757
00:37:29.160 --> 00:37:31.320
you should be doing
way better than my mom."

758
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.840
"As far as I'm concerned,
my mom got the better end."

759
00:37:34.920 --> 00:37:35.920
[audience laughs]

760
00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:38.880
"I should just go home
and high five her. I should."

761
00:37:42.440 --> 00:37:43.640
It's crazy.

762
00:37:43.720 --> 00:37:47.320
This guy's still trying to fight me.
I'm like, "Dude, just let it go."

763
00:37:47.400 --> 00:37:50.480
He jumps me. His friends come out
and they start punching me,

764
00:37:50.560 --> 00:37:52.800
and I'm on the floor,
and I'm lying there.

765
00:37:54.400 --> 00:37:58.000
And as soon as the dudes
I'm rolling with come out, they run off.

766
00:37:58.080 --> 00:38:00.840
Then my white friends are like,
"Let's call the police!"

767
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:05.480
I was so envious of white people
and their relationship with the police.

768
00:38:05.560 --> 00:38:07.320
I was like, "Shit, man."

769
00:38:07.400 --> 00:38:10.080
You know, Black people,
police are not option one.

770
00:38:10.640 --> 00:38:12.440
Option five, six.

771
00:38:13.040 --> 00:38:17.040
Option one is, "Do I have a cousin
that could kill this motherfucker?

772
00:38:18.040 --> 00:38:22.160
Do I have a cousin that's willing
to go back to jail for me? For me?

773
00:38:22.240 --> 00:38:25.240
Which one of my cousins loves me enough

774
00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:30.080
to kill this motherfucker
and do another 18 years for me, for love?"

775
00:38:31.960 --> 00:38:34.480
That's option one for Black people.

776
00:38:35.360 --> 00:38:39.600
Now I'm standing there outside the club
and they've beaten… Dude, I'm--

777
00:38:40.480 --> 00:38:43.560
I'm-- My nose is bleeding,
my shirt is torn.

778
00:38:43.640 --> 00:38:45.240
I'm like, "I need to go home."

779
00:38:45.320 --> 00:38:49.200
"Loyiso, come on. The night's still young.
Stop being a fucking pussy."

780
00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:50.920
You know the thing about dudes--

781
00:38:51.000 --> 00:38:53.800
Women, lemme tell you,
dudes are such morons.

782
00:38:53.880 --> 00:38:57.440
A guy you know
when you were 12 to the age of 18,

783
00:38:57.520 --> 00:38:59.880
they can convince you to do anything.

784
00:38:59.960 --> 00:39:02.600
Ever seen dudes
when they meet their teenage friends?

785
00:39:02.680 --> 00:39:04.840
It's like, "Ah, my nigga!"

786
00:39:04.920 --> 00:39:08.000
"This is a board meeting."
"Yeah, but that's my nigga though!"

787
00:39:09.200 --> 00:39:10.960
"That's my nigga though."

788
00:39:11.040 --> 00:39:13.320
[audience laughs]

789
00:39:13.400 --> 00:39:15.080
You know what I mean?

790
00:39:15.160 --> 00:39:16.920
So, they can convince you
to do anything.

791
00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:19.320
You're like... [talking gibberish]

792
00:39:21.400 --> 00:39:22.440
It's crazy.

793
00:39:22.520 --> 00:39:26.120
So, now he's like, "Loyiso,
stop being a fucking pussy, let's go!"

794
00:39:26.920 --> 00:39:28.840
"Ah, fuck, okay. Where are we going?"

795
00:39:28.920 --> 00:39:31.880
"I got a friend around the corner.
He's got some weed.

796
00:39:31.960 --> 00:39:35.720
Gonna put some clothes on you,
going to go to another party, brother."

797
00:39:35.800 --> 00:39:37.800
"Fuck. Okay, cool. Let's go."

798
00:39:38.600 --> 00:39:41.920
I get the--
I should have never touched that weed.

799
00:39:42.600 --> 00:39:44.400
Have you ever smoked… Hey, guys.

800
00:39:45.600 --> 00:39:48.880
Cape Town people,
you know those dudes with the long beards?

801
00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:51.840
You know those hipster guys?
Don't touch their weed, guys.

802
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:55.720
That will fuck you up. You know people
who take coffee too serious?

803
00:39:55.800 --> 00:39:57.800
[audience laughs]

804
00:39:59.680 --> 00:40:01.600
Don't touch their shit.

805
00:40:01.680 --> 00:40:05.200
This guy was like, "Loyiso, brother.
Nice to meet you, my brother.

806
00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:10.360
I was in Ethiopia at the Lalibela temples,
brother, studying the coffee."

807
00:40:10.440 --> 00:40:12.040
I'm like, "Get a real job."

808
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:14.960
[chuckles]

809
00:40:15.040 --> 00:40:17.080
I smoked some.
You ever smoked that weed?

810
00:40:17.720 --> 00:40:20.480
You go to the bathroom
and look at yourself in the face.

811
00:40:20.560 --> 00:40:23.560
The weed goes, "Go look at yourself
in the mirror, quickly."

812
00:40:23.640 --> 00:40:27.400
Then, when you get to the mirror,
your brain goes, "Act normal. Act normal."

813
00:40:27.480 --> 00:40:28.960
[audience laughs]

814
00:40:29.040 --> 00:40:32.440
Now, you're like, "When I get there,
I'm going to be normal.

815
00:40:35.080 --> 00:40:37.680
That's the weed.
So, I smoked this weed…

816
00:40:38.920 --> 00:40:42.960
and I'm like, "Oh, man, this is crazy.
I'm high as shit."

817
00:40:43.040 --> 00:40:45.360
But we're going
to the next party. Next party.

818
00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:48.800
Okay. We get to the next party.
It was on the 17th floor.

819
00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:51.640
You ever been in an elevator
where you come in one side,

820
00:40:51.720 --> 00:40:54.240
but you have to exit the… other side?

821
00:40:54.800 --> 00:40:58.600
We are so high,
my brother, we are so high

822
00:40:58.680 --> 00:41:01.760
that we came in this side,
we want to leave this side.

823
00:41:01.840 --> 00:41:05.680
We're all waiting for this side to open.
it's not opening. We're like, "Ahh."

824
00:41:06.200 --> 00:41:08.480
This side, people are coming in and out.

825
00:41:10.080 --> 00:41:12.640
But we're hearing fuck all. Nothing.

826
00:41:12.720 --> 00:41:16.120
Eventually, someone taps me
on the shoulder. "Are you guys okay?"

827
00:41:16.200 --> 00:41:19.000
I turn around. I'm like,
"When the fuck did you get in?"

828
00:41:19.560 --> 00:41:22.320
He's confused. I'm confused.
I'm like, "Oh, my word."

829
00:41:23.080 --> 00:41:25.200
So, the elevator gets to the 17th floor.

830
00:41:25.280 --> 00:41:26.800
The doors open. Pow!

831
00:41:27.440 --> 00:41:29.120
Wonderful party.

832
00:41:29.200 --> 00:41:30.520
It's a wonderful party.

833
00:41:30.600 --> 00:41:32.360
Soon as I step out, I look around.

834
00:41:32.440 --> 00:41:34.840
I realize
I'm the only Black person at the party.

835
00:41:35.960 --> 00:41:38.600
Know what happens to Black people
when they're the only Black People?

836
00:41:38.680 --> 00:41:41.600
They go from being Flavor Flav
to Nelson Mandela like this.

837
00:41:42.560 --> 00:41:46.400
They go from "Yeah, boy!"
to… [imitates Mandela] "Hello, everybody."

838
00:41:46.480 --> 00:41:48.480
[audience laughs]

839
00:41:49.080 --> 00:41:52.200
"Ah, this is
a very dangerous environment.

840
00:41:52.880 --> 00:41:55.520
Anything can happen,
they are going to blame me.

841
00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:59.520
I will be in the corner, best behavior.

842
00:41:59.600 --> 00:42:01.960
Best behavior, in the corner over there."

843
00:42:02.040 --> 00:42:06.360
That's how you act. You just know!
A glass is missing, everyone's looking…

844
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:09.840
"Hey! I'm here for a good time too,
motherfucker."

845
00:42:12.440 --> 00:42:15.000
So, now, Seth Langley goes,
"Hey, Loyiso,

846
00:42:15.080 --> 00:42:17.440
I'm going to go to the bar,
get us some drinks.

847
00:42:17.520 --> 00:42:19.720
You just find us some chairs."

848
00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:22.520
I said, "Okay, cool.
I'll go find us some chairs."

849
00:42:22.600 --> 00:42:25.040
I look around. I don't find any chairs.

850
00:42:25.880 --> 00:42:27.880
He comes back with drinks. He's upset.

851
00:42:27.960 --> 00:42:29.680
He's like, "Where are the chairs?"

852
00:42:30.520 --> 00:42:32.320
"Seth, I couldn't…

853
00:42:33.200 --> 00:42:36.680
I couldn't find…
I couldn't any chairs, man. I'm sorry."

854
00:42:37.480 --> 00:42:39.960
Right next to us,
eight white women are dancing.

855
00:42:40.040 --> 00:42:42.080
Off-rhythm. Off-off!

856
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:45.120
Off. So off.

857
00:42:46.200 --> 00:42:48.600
Which is such a weird stereotype for me.

858
00:42:49.200 --> 00:42:51.680
Stereotypes are weird.
They don't make sense.

859
00:42:51.760 --> 00:42:54.680
We need to unpack
these stereotypes, 'cause that--

860
00:42:54.760 --> 00:42:57.760
Like, stereotypes
that white people can't dance,

861
00:42:57.840 --> 00:42:59.920
stereotypes like Black people can't swim.

862
00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:01.600
[mutters]

863
00:43:02.320 --> 00:43:03.600
It doesn't make sense.

864
00:43:03.680 --> 00:43:06.240
None are genetically predisposed
to these things.

865
00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:10.000
So when I hear white people going,
"I can't dance to save my life."

866
00:43:10.080 --> 00:43:11.960
I'm like, "Know what? You're fine."

867
00:43:12.040 --> 00:43:14.600
You will never
have to dance to save your life.

868
00:43:14.680 --> 00:43:16.680
[audience laughs]

869
00:43:16.760 --> 00:43:19.680
But when Black people go,
"I can't swim to save my life."

870
00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:22.840
I'm like, "You know,
that's a problem. That's a health…"

871
00:43:22.920 --> 00:43:24.920
[audience laughs]

872
00:43:26.680 --> 00:43:27.800
"That's, uh…"

873
00:43:27.880 --> 00:43:29.880
[laughter, applause]

874
00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:34.320
"That's a health and safety issue. That's…

875
00:43:35.720 --> 00:43:37.480
You need to sort that out."

876
00:43:37.560 --> 00:43:39.440
Those stereotypes make no sense.

877
00:43:39.520 --> 00:43:41.960
These eight white women
are dancing off-rhythm.

878
00:43:42.040 --> 00:43:44.440
First, I'm not
going to make fun of white people

879
00:43:44.520 --> 00:43:47.640
for their inability to dance
without helping.

880
00:43:47.720 --> 00:43:50.480
We're trying to build a country here,
so I will help.

881
00:43:53.760 --> 00:43:55.240
White people. [clears throat]

882
00:43:56.920 --> 00:43:58.000
Each song…

883
00:43:59.560 --> 00:44:02.720
has many instruments to dance to.

884
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:04.800
[audience laughs]

885
00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:07.000
Choose one.

886
00:44:08.880 --> 00:44:10.880
Just choose one fucking--

887
00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:13.520
Choose that instrument.
Commit, commit.

888
00:44:14.640 --> 00:44:18.280
If you say, "Hey, I've committed
to the piano from the beginning,"

889
00:44:18.360 --> 00:44:20.400
choose piano from beginning to end.

890
00:44:20.480 --> 00:44:24.520
Don't go, in the middle of the song,
go, "The bass sounds amazing."

891
00:44:24.600 --> 00:44:28.200
Fuck the bass. Commit to the piano.

892
00:44:28.760 --> 00:44:32.240
That's how you find yourself
off-rhythm. Midway, off-rhythm.

893
00:44:34.120 --> 00:44:38.040
I've been on floors with white people
where I'm like, "Is this the remix, or…?

894
00:44:40.200 --> 00:44:42.920
Are they listening to their own music?
What the fuck?"

895
00:44:45.600 --> 00:44:47.800
So, anyway, these women are dancing.

896
00:44:47.880 --> 00:44:50.280
Right next to them,
there are eight chairs.

897
00:44:50.360 --> 00:44:53.440
Seth Langley walks over,
and on the chairs, they've got bags.

898
00:44:53.520 --> 00:44:56.960
He walks over, grabs the bags,
goes, "Are these your bags?"

899
00:44:57.600 --> 00:44:58.720
"Yeah."

900
00:44:58.800 --> 00:45:00.600
He goes, "Can I take these bags

901
00:45:00.680 --> 00:45:03.200
and put them on two chairs
and take the rest?"

902
00:45:03.280 --> 00:45:04.800
Uh, they go, "Yeah."

903
00:45:05.600 --> 00:45:07.560
Takes all the chairs, brings them over,

904
00:45:07.640 --> 00:45:10.440
looks at me and goes,
"Why couldn't you have done that?"

905
00:45:11.280 --> 00:45:12.960
Then I go, "Done what?"

906
00:45:13.040 --> 00:45:14.040
He said, "That."

907
00:45:14.120 --> 00:45:16.800
I'm like, "You want me,
as the only Black person here,

908
00:45:17.480 --> 00:45:21.320
to walk over to eight white women
and grab their bags? Are you…

909
00:45:23.000 --> 00:45:25.720
You have no consideration for my health."

910
00:45:25.800 --> 00:45:27.680
[audience laughs]

911
00:45:27.760 --> 00:45:28.880
"That-- No!"

912
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:31.360
He's like, "Why are you
always bringing race into the thing?"

913
00:45:31.440 --> 00:45:35.160
I said, "In your mind, you're thinking,
how can you not see the chairs?"

914
00:45:35.240 --> 00:45:37.520
No, you're wrong. I saw the chairs.

915
00:45:37.600 --> 00:45:40.040
It's just, the option did not appear.

916
00:45:40.960 --> 00:45:44.600
Not even Barack Obama
would think of that motherfucking option.

917
00:45:44.680 --> 00:45:48.480
No Black person just walk--
We just know how society views us.

918
00:45:48.560 --> 00:45:52.040
Our brains are like,
"The SWAT team will open the roof."

919
00:45:52.120 --> 00:45:54.800
What the fuck? No way. There's no…

920
00:45:54.880 --> 00:45:58.880
So I'm trying to explain.
"There's no way I would have done that."

921
00:45:58.960 --> 00:45:59.960
"No, Loyiso.

922
00:46:01.160 --> 00:46:02.640
Always bringing up race."

923
00:46:03.480 --> 00:46:06.160
I'm like, "Yeah,
'cause that's how the world is."

924
00:46:07.080 --> 00:46:10.320
It's bizarre. I'm like,
"How does he not understand this shit?"

925
00:46:10.400 --> 00:46:13.920
How does my friend not understand
that the world treats us differently?

926
00:46:14.560 --> 00:46:16.760
Such a hard thing
to explain white privilege,

927
00:46:16.840 --> 00:46:18.680
specifically to white people.

928
00:46:18.760 --> 00:46:21.840
Or a room just full of people,
not everyone gets it.

929
00:46:21.920 --> 00:46:25.080
I'll try. This is my attempt
trying to explain white privilege.

930
00:46:25.160 --> 00:46:27.040
White privilege is starting a band…

931
00:46:27.800 --> 00:46:29.280
and calling it The Killers.

932
00:46:30.840 --> 00:46:34.240
-And everyone goes, "Yeah, great band."
-[audience laughs]

933
00:46:34.320 --> 00:46:37.840
Then the Grammys invite- If there was
a Black band called The Killers,

934
00:46:37.920 --> 00:46:41.880
there's no fucking way
those people are playing at the Grammys.

935
00:46:42.880 --> 00:46:46.440
When a Black-- Black bands have to think
outside the box for their name.

936
00:46:46.520 --> 00:46:49.120
"What do we call ourselves?"
"Earth, Wind & Fire."

937
00:46:49.200 --> 00:46:50.880
[audience laughs]

938
00:46:50.960 --> 00:46:54.160
"What do you mean?"
"Yeah, we're just not The Killers.

939
00:46:54.240 --> 00:46:56.480
The Killers is limiting."

940
00:46:58.160 --> 00:47:01.400
So, now, I'm high. I'm so high.
This guy's arguing about race.

941
00:47:01.480 --> 00:47:05.200
I'm like,  "I don't want to argue,
you're killing my high. Can I go home?"

942
00:47:05.280 --> 00:47:07.720
"I'll see you at the wedding."
Boom, I get out.

943
00:47:09.080 --> 00:47:12.040
But now I go to McDonald's.
The reason I go to McDonald's:

944
00:47:12.120 --> 00:47:16.320
it's 24 hours,
I get to sit there until my high is calm,

945
00:47:16.400 --> 00:47:19.480
'cause I don't want to get home high.
Then the high is ruined.

946
00:47:19.560 --> 00:47:23.080
'Cause I've done that shit before.
You get home, you're high as a kite.

947
00:47:23.560 --> 00:47:26.720
Right, you get--
Now, you've forgotten the alarm code.

948
00:47:27.720 --> 00:47:29.440
The alarm is going off.

949
00:47:30.160 --> 00:47:33.240
Instead of trying to switch off
the alarm, what are you doing?

950
00:47:33.320 --> 00:47:35.000
Dancing to the tune of the alarm.

951
00:47:35.680 --> 00:47:37.960
Your mother's waking up.
"What are you doing?"

952
00:47:38.040 --> 00:47:40.320
You're like, "Did you not hear this one?"

953
00:47:41.880 --> 00:47:44.480
[humming]

954
00:47:44.560 --> 00:47:46.440
So, that's why I don't get home high.

955
00:47:46.520 --> 00:47:48.280
I get-- Eventually, I get home.

956
00:47:49.200 --> 00:47:53.240
Well, I call… I call a Uber and…
I call a Uber.

957
00:47:54.360 --> 00:47:56.720
But I'm like, "I came here in style.

958
00:47:57.160 --> 00:47:58.920
Let me call a submarine."

959
00:47:59.000 --> 00:48:00.960
[audience laughs]

960
00:48:01.040 --> 00:48:04.200
So, I check.
I'm like, "It's not available."

961
00:48:04.280 --> 00:48:08.960
So, I call a regular Uber.
"Regular Uber, that's fine. That will do."

962
00:48:10.560 --> 00:48:14.120
Then the guy, the regular Uber arrives.
I go, "Hey, man,

963
00:48:14.920 --> 00:48:18.400
I noticed that you guys,
on my particular app…"

964
00:48:18.480 --> 00:48:20.880
[audience laughs]

965
00:48:20.960 --> 00:48:22.720
"You guys don't have the…

966
00:48:24.840 --> 00:48:27.480
How do I…
How do I get the submarine

967
00:48:28.280 --> 00:48:29.640
to… to come pick me up?"

968
00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:31.680
The guy says…

969
00:48:34.320 --> 00:48:36.320
The guy looks at me casually and goes,

970
00:48:36.400 --> 00:48:38.120
"Just upgrade your software, man!"

971
00:48:38.200 --> 00:48:40.640
[audience laughs]

972
00:48:40.720 --> 00:48:42.440
And I go, "Okay, okay, okay."

973
00:48:43.960 --> 00:48:45.920
[laughter, applause]

974
00:48:46.000 --> 00:48:48.240
I go, "Okay, okay, sure, sure."

975
00:48:48.320 --> 00:48:52.440
So, I get home. When I get home,
my mom is getting ready to go to church.

976
00:48:52.520 --> 00:48:56.960
She wakes up and starts preparing the food
that she's going to cook after church.

977
00:48:57.040 --> 00:49:00.080
She wakes up mad early.
I get home, it's 6:00 in the morning.

978
00:49:00.760 --> 00:49:04.720
My mom is there
and she's looking at me like,

979
00:49:05.520 --> 00:49:07.400
"Where's the shirt you were wearing?"

980
00:49:07.480 --> 00:49:10.600
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I didn't have a story for this. Uh…

981
00:49:11.640 --> 00:49:15.360
No, at Seth Langley's house,
pizza fell on me. All over me.

982
00:49:15.440 --> 00:49:16.800
Had to take off the shirt."

983
00:49:18.160 --> 00:49:21.760
"What happened to your eye and your nose?
Why is there blood coming out…"

984
00:49:21.840 --> 00:49:24.000
I said, "You know, I tripped and I fell."

985
00:49:24.080 --> 00:49:25.720
I can't tell her the truth.

986
00:49:25.800 --> 00:49:29.160
"I fought someone
who said they had sex with you.

987
00:49:30.800 --> 00:49:34.120
I should be the one
who's asking questions at this point.

988
00:49:34.200 --> 00:49:36.560
You have a lot of explaining yourself."

989
00:49:38.760 --> 00:49:41.480
But I can't tell her that.
I got to stick to my story.

990
00:49:41.560 --> 00:49:44.960
"Pizza. Pizza.
There was pizza all over my chest."

991
00:49:46.760 --> 00:49:48.600
"I spilled pizza…" [laughs]

992
00:49:48.680 --> 00:49:50.080
"…and I tripped and I fell."

993
00:49:50.160 --> 00:49:53.400
And she's looking at me,
she's slicing a carrot, going, "Okay."

994
00:49:54.560 --> 00:49:58.000
You know, "Okay. Tell us more."

995
00:49:58.080 --> 00:50:01.840
And I'm like, "Yeah,
because while carrying the pizza…"

996
00:50:05.840 --> 00:50:09.160
That is how Black people
listen to white people

997
00:50:09.240 --> 00:50:10.520
when you tell history.

998
00:50:10.600 --> 00:50:13.760
-We're like, "Okay, tell us more."
-[audience laughs]

999
00:50:15.880 --> 00:50:17.640
[applause]

1000
00:50:19.440 --> 00:50:23.440
"Okay, exploring, exploring. Okay, okay.

1001
00:50:25.080 --> 00:50:26.200
Exploring. Okay.

1002
00:50:27.040 --> 00:50:30.160
Okay. Civilized.
Civilized, you were. Okay.

1003
00:50:30.960 --> 00:50:32.160
Uncivilized. Okay."

1004
00:50:38.680 --> 00:50:39.600
It's crazy.

1005
00:50:41.120 --> 00:50:44.360
I was-- When I moved to…
When I moved to the UK,

1006
00:50:44.440 --> 00:50:48.240
when I-- Well, when I first started
going to the UK, like, five years ago,

1007
00:50:48.320 --> 00:50:51.480
I went on this app
called Bumble and, um…

1008
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:55.120
I was meeting people online,
which is cool,

1009
00:50:55.200 --> 00:50:59.280
and I met with this Spanish girl,
this Spanish woman. She was great.

1010
00:50:59.360 --> 00:51:01.720
We texted and then, eventually, we met.

1011
00:51:01.800 --> 00:51:03.600
We met up, and when we met up,

1012
00:51:04.560 --> 00:51:06.640
um, we were chilling on a date,

1013
00:51:06.720 --> 00:51:09.640
and the date wasn't going great,
wasn't bad, it was a date.

1014
00:51:09.720 --> 00:51:12.000
You know how dates are.
Trying to… uh, uhh.

1015
00:51:12.080 --> 00:51:15.600
Everyone's kind of tense until--
And it gets looser and looser.

1016
00:51:15.680 --> 00:51:18.640
At some point in the day,
she tells me she's from Granada.

1017
00:51:18.720 --> 00:51:21.760
I'm like, "I know a little bit
of history about Granada."

1018
00:51:23.080 --> 00:51:27.640
And I tell her, I'm like, "Granada is
the last place where the Moors

1019
00:51:27.720 --> 00:51:30.240
fought the Spanish the final time--

1020
00:51:30.320 --> 00:51:33.320
For the final time
for the Spanish to get their independence,

1021
00:51:33.400 --> 00:51:35.120
and that's how Spain was freed."

1022
00:51:35.200 --> 00:51:37.000
She was like,
"What are you talking about?"

1023
00:51:37.080 --> 00:51:40.960
I said, "Spain used to be run by
a bunch of niggas for 700 years."

1024
00:51:41.720 --> 00:51:44.320
"What do you mean?"
She had never heard of this.

1025
00:51:44.400 --> 00:51:46.600
She was hearing this for the first time.

1026
00:51:46.680 --> 00:51:48.080
Kind of like some of you.

1027
00:51:48.160 --> 00:51:49.880
[audience laughs]

1028
00:51:49.960 --> 00:51:52.960
Crazy. I'm explaining to her.
Like, "When did this happen?"

1029
00:51:53.040 --> 00:51:58.080
"From the 7th century to the 14th century,
Spain was called al-Andalus."

1030
00:51:58.160 --> 00:52:00.480
She just--
She just couldn't believe it.

1031
00:52:00.560 --> 00:52:03.800
She was, like, calling me a liar.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

1032
00:52:03.880 --> 00:52:06.160
This is some peculiar shit
to be lying about.

1033
00:52:06.240 --> 00:52:08.560
I'm not a history teacher.
I don't give a fuck.

1034
00:52:08.640 --> 00:52:12.360
Had I known this would have cost me
some pussy, I'd have kept it to myself.

1035
00:52:13.200 --> 00:52:16.400
I'm not trying to s--
I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

1036
00:52:18.080 --> 00:52:21.560
Then I thought, "Why would
she be upset about historical fact?"

1037
00:52:21.640 --> 00:52:24.280
Then I realized white people
have been told all their lives

1038
00:52:24.360 --> 00:52:27.920
that they gave you everything.
That's what it means to be white.

1039
00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:30.240
You walk around going,
"Speakers, that's me.

1040
00:52:31.160 --> 00:52:33.120
Ice cream. That will be us, thank you."

1041
00:52:33.200 --> 00:52:34.480
[chuckles]

1042
00:52:34.560 --> 00:52:36.480
"Candles! That's us too, thank you."

1043
00:52:37.880 --> 00:52:40.360
I have… I have my Indian friend Rabin.

1044
00:52:40.440 --> 00:52:44.080
My Indian friend Rabin, I called Rabin,
I said, "I'm running a bit late.

1045
00:52:44.160 --> 00:52:48.440
Yoga went a little over today.
Ah, give me a second. I'll be there."

1046
00:52:48.520 --> 00:52:51.760
He says, "Loyiso, yoga?
You're always doing white people things."

1047
00:52:51.840 --> 00:52:54.600
I said, "No, Rabin.
You're Indian, that's your shit!

1048
00:52:55.400 --> 00:52:58.840
That's-- Yoga is your--
Don't let white people trick you!"

1049
00:52:58.920 --> 00:53:01.360
[audience laughs]

1050
00:53:01.440 --> 00:53:02.600
"That's your shit!"

1051
00:53:05.280 --> 00:53:10.720
The truth is, some of our best advances
as human beings are not from white people.

1052
00:53:10.800 --> 00:53:13.720
The first people to write
were not white, the first people…

1053
00:53:14.320 --> 00:53:18.440
The first people to, um, study astrology
were not white people,

1054
00:53:18.520 --> 00:53:20.760
the first to do maths
were not white people.

1055
00:53:21.440 --> 00:53:24.040
Even the technology that gives
white people their biggest advantage

1056
00:53:24.120 --> 00:53:28.000
in the last 500 years, which is gunpowder,
was not invented by white people.

1057
00:53:28.720 --> 00:53:32.640
Gunpowder was invented by the Chinese,
and when the Chinese invented gunpowder,

1058
00:53:33.240 --> 00:53:36.360
it was for fireworks
and blowing up poop like civilized people.

1059
00:53:36.440 --> 00:53:38.440
[audience laughs]

1060
00:53:40.480 --> 00:53:44.920
I think, uh… I think we need to…
I think we need to un--

1061
00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:48.400
I think Black people need to unlearn
your inferiority complexes,

1062
00:53:48.480 --> 00:53:52.800
'cause you can live your life
thinking that you've never contributed.

1063
00:53:52.880 --> 00:53:54.680
[applause]

1064
00:53:54.760 --> 00:53:55.800
'Cause you can…

1065
00:53:57.360 --> 00:54:00.760
Because you can live your life
just believing you never contributed

1066
00:54:00.840 --> 00:54:03.400
to human civilization, which is not true.

1067
00:54:03.480 --> 00:54:05.640
Everyone has contributed
at different times.

1068
00:54:06.440 --> 00:54:11.040
Um, white people, you need to unlearn
your superiority complexes.

1069
00:54:12.280 --> 00:54:16.040
And I talk about it so loosely,
like it's an easy thing to do.

1070
00:54:16.120 --> 00:54:18.520
It's not an easy thing to do,
it's quite like--

1071
00:54:19.280 --> 00:54:21.640
It's a lot of work,
you have to apply yourself.

1072
00:54:21.720 --> 00:54:23.000
You got to want to do it.

1073
00:54:23.080 --> 00:54:26.200
And my biggest inspiration
for wanting to unlearn is my mom.

1074
00:54:26.280 --> 00:54:28.520
My mom was born in 1959.

1075
00:54:29.480 --> 00:54:35.040
In the height of aparth-- Like,
just the most horrible time to… to exist.

1076
00:54:35.120 --> 00:54:36.520
My mom was a straight-A student.

1077
00:54:36.600 --> 00:54:40.120
And my mom was raised by, um, two parents.

1078
00:54:40.200 --> 00:54:43.400
My grandmother was illiterate,
didn't know how to read and write,

1079
00:54:43.480 --> 00:54:45.800
so some of our bonding time
with my grandmother

1080
00:54:45.880 --> 00:54:47.800
was me reading her letters.

1081
00:54:47.880 --> 00:54:50.760
So, she'd keep these letters
and I would read them for her

1082
00:54:50.840 --> 00:54:52.560
as part of our bonding time.

1083
00:54:54.680 --> 00:54:58.000
And the thing is,
she always used to say…

1084
00:54:58.720 --> 00:55:01.360
[speaking Xhosa]

1085
00:55:02.320 --> 00:55:05.680
Which is, "Close your ears
so you don't hear what's in the letters."

1086
00:55:05.760 --> 00:55:07.680
So, I would read the letter like this.

1087
00:55:10.920 --> 00:55:14.040
I would read, but before the end,
at the end of the letter,

1088
00:55:14.120 --> 00:55:15.520
I would add my own agenda.

1089
00:55:15.600 --> 00:55:17.560
[audience laughs]

1090
00:55:17.640 --> 00:55:20.520
Like, "When making
a peanut butter and jam sandwich,

1091
00:55:21.360 --> 00:55:24.240
can you please put the jam on top?"

1092
00:55:26.560 --> 00:55:28.160
Which would confuse my grandma,

1093
00:55:28.240 --> 00:55:30.400
'cause she'd be like,
"Why is the municipality…

1094
00:55:31.960 --> 00:55:33.840
telling me how to make sandwiches?"

1095
00:55:35.120 --> 00:55:38.760
Apartheid was-- I don't think people
understand how hectic apartheid was.

1096
00:55:41.080 --> 00:55:44.920
I know people now are arguing
for equal opportunity.

1097
00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:47.600
You realize that shit wasn't even a thing.

1098
00:55:48.400 --> 00:55:52.440
You could be in grade ten, studying.
What are you studying for?

1099
00:55:52.520 --> 00:55:55.880
Because legally, you can't be the thing--
You can't be an astronaut.

1100
00:55:55.960 --> 00:55:59.240
You can't. You can't. It's like,
imagine going to high school,

1101
00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:01.040
and in your brain somewhere,

1102
00:56:01.120 --> 00:56:04.920
they're like, "You're not allowed
to be this thing. It's against the law."

1103
00:56:05.000 --> 00:56:06.480
There was a guy who--

1104
00:56:06.560 --> 00:56:11.440
I don't know if you heard of this guy.
He was ANC president… in 1950.

1105
00:56:12.960 --> 00:56:14.480
This guy was a surgeon.

1106
00:56:15.240 --> 00:56:18.520
He was one of the few qualified--
Google him, James Moroka.

1107
00:56:18.600 --> 00:56:20.280
He was a qualified surgeon.

1108
00:56:21.240 --> 00:56:23.680
But he wasn't allowed to operate.

1109
00:56:23.760 --> 00:56:25.960
He studied in Venice,
studied in Edinburgh.

1110
00:56:26.040 --> 00:56:29.280
He was one of the most qualified
doctors in the country.

1111
00:56:29.360 --> 00:56:32.600
Wasn't allowed to operate.
So, that's what it meant to be Black.

1112
00:56:32.680 --> 00:56:35.480
It meant even if you had this shit,
even if you had the--

1113
00:56:36.240 --> 00:56:37.760
The law limited you.

1114
00:56:37.840 --> 00:56:39.120
Even if you're studying--

1115
00:56:39.200 --> 00:56:42.200
Now, you're like,
"I don't know what I'm going to become."

1116
00:56:42.280 --> 00:56:45.240
Then it was like, "Yeah, you can want.

1117
00:56:45.320 --> 00:56:47.720
Want is one thing. By law, fuck you."

1118
00:56:48.320 --> 00:56:52.240
So, it was a hard thing.
In 1978, she finished with high school,

1119
00:56:53.840 --> 00:56:58.040
and then she tried
to, um, go into university.

1120
00:56:58.120 --> 00:57:01.360
That didn't work out. In 1983, she had me.
You know what kids do.

1121
00:57:02.040 --> 00:57:03.040
Fuck your shit up.

1122
00:57:03.560 --> 00:57:05.480
Kids! Oh, they'll fuck your shit up.

1123
00:57:06.120 --> 00:57:08.840
You're having a good time,
kids are like, "Stop it."

1124
00:57:08.920 --> 00:57:10.520
[audience laughs]

1125
00:57:10.600 --> 00:57:12.600
"All of it, stop it now.

1126
00:57:13.240 --> 00:57:15.120
I've just shat myself.

1127
00:57:15.720 --> 00:57:17.880
I need attention now."

1128
00:57:18.840 --> 00:57:21.400
I don't want kids. Fuck kids.
Know how much I don't?

1129
00:57:21.480 --> 00:57:23.120
I'm wearing a condom right now.

1130
00:57:23.200 --> 00:57:24.600
[audience laughs]

1131
00:57:24.680 --> 00:57:27.800
That's how much I don't want kids.
I'm like, "Forget about it."

1132
00:57:28.600 --> 00:57:29.640
What? No.

1133
00:57:30.320 --> 00:57:33.200
People will try to trick you.
"They're such a blessing."

1134
00:57:33.280 --> 00:57:37.720
[laughs] I've seen you at the airport
trying to check in with your blessing.

1135
00:57:37.800 --> 00:57:39.280
[audience laughs]

1136
00:57:39.360 --> 00:57:44.480
Your blessing thinks they can
enter a plane without a boarding pass.

1137
00:57:44.560 --> 00:57:46.920
Your blessing has
fucked up ideas about life.

1138
00:57:49.280 --> 00:57:52.160
My mom had me.
My mom raised me and my brother.

1139
00:57:52.760 --> 00:57:53.640
Raised us.

1140
00:57:54.480 --> 00:57:56.040
We both moved out of the house.

1141
00:57:56.120 --> 00:57:58.720
She worked at the bank for 26 years,

1142
00:57:58.800 --> 00:58:01.840
then she went back to university,
like she'd always intended.

1143
00:58:01.920 --> 00:58:04.240
At the age of 58,
which is three years ago,

1144
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:06.080
she graduated with a degree.

1145
00:58:06.760 --> 00:58:09.160
-Yeah. Crazy.
-[applause, whistling]

1146
00:58:10.680 --> 00:58:12.400
So, this… this show is…

1147
00:58:12.480 --> 00:58:14.960
this show is dedicated to her,

1148
00:58:15.040 --> 00:58:17.080
because she inspired me to unlearn,

1149
00:58:17.160 --> 00:58:20.680
and I hope she can inspire you
to unlearn too and unpack yourself

1150
00:58:20.760 --> 00:58:26.120
and… do the things you really want to do
and be able to interrogate yourself.

1151
00:58:27.360 --> 00:58:30.080
That's the show. Thank you very much.
You guys have been amazing.

1152
00:58:30.160 --> 00:58:32.160
[applause, cheering]

1153
00:58:38.200 --> 00:58:42.000
For those of you who are interested,
some of you might not care,

1154
00:58:42.880 --> 00:58:44.760
but Seth Langley's getting divorced.

1155
00:58:44.840 --> 00:58:47.000
[audience laughs]

1156
00:58:47.080 --> 00:58:50.080
Of course, he's getting divorced.
He's-- Of course.

1157
00:58:50.160 --> 00:58:52.120
What do you mean?
He's getting divorced.

1158
00:58:52.200 --> 00:58:55.400
You don't fucking blow up poop
and walk off into the sunset.

1159
00:58:55.480 --> 00:58:58.920
That's not how life works.
You have to unpack that shit. Okay?

1160
00:59:00.080 --> 00:59:02.360
Let's unlearn, ladies and gentlemen.

1161
00:59:02.440 --> 00:59:04.480
Thank you, you guys have been fantastic.

1162
00:59:04.560 --> 00:59:06.080
[applause]

1163
00:59:06.160 --> 00:59:08.000
I gotta get out of here…

1164
00:59:09.280 --> 00:59:11.120
'cause my submarine is waiting.

1165
00:59:11.920 --> 00:59:13.080
Thank you.

1166
00:59:13.160 --> 00:59:15.240
["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]