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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering, whistling]

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[audience clapping]

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Thank you.

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Thank you, thank you.

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[applause, cheering]

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Hello, my babies.

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[audience laughs]

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Hi, you could have been
anywhere in the world

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and you're here with me in Cape Town!

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-Yes!
-[cheering]

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Shut up, we're in lockdown.
What do you mean?

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Can't go anywhere in the world.
You're stuck.

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[Gola chuckles]

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It's cool.

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Thank you,
people watching me from the side.

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I'll try to give you attention as well.

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Hello, madame. Hello. Hello, VIP. VIP.

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That's where Lincoln got shot. Yeah.

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[audience laughs]

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On the balcony.

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Don't think you are safe there.
Anyone can get shot. Pow!

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Man, the only--
The crazy thing is, um,

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this COVID situation stopped me
from traveling, which is… Ah!

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'Cause I'm such a nomad, you know,

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and, um, I've been taking my career
around the world

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before this whole pandemic started.

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And one of the things
that's very hard for me is

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people don't have a context
of South Africa, they just think…

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I don't know what they're thinking,

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but the questions they ask
in interviews are strange.

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I'll be in an interview
and someone will say,

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[English accent] "Where were you…

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Where were you when Nelson Mandela

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got released from jail?"

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I'm like, "If you'd done your research,
you'd have known I was six."

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[audience laughs]

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I was six years old.

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In fact, I was pissed off
because everything was closed.

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I was like,
"I'm trying to go play soccer."

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"Yeah, but the fields are closed.

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The place where you buy
ice cream is closed as well."

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"Why?"
"Nelson Mandela's coming out."

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"Fuck!"

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That was the thing.
So they have this thing.

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They ask me these questions
like Nelson Mandela's my cousin.

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Like I'm supposed to go,
"Yeah, we were together."

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No, I wasn't there.

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I'm not saying we weren't
aware politically as children.

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We were. We were. We were.

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I remember when we were young,

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we were always told
to free Nelson Mandela.

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So, I remember
being four years old, stressing about it.

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Like, I'm four.
"But we must free this guy." Like…

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It was something
that really bothered me, but--

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So one day at kindergarten,
at kindergarten, kindergarten,

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I decided
that I am going to mobilize the kids,

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and we're going to try
to free Nelson Mandela.

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So I said, "We are refusing to sleep."

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"We're not going to play with these toys
and Lego until Nelson Mandela is free."

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So the teachers were panicking.
We were like, "We're not eating…" Pow!

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"…till Nelson Mandela is free!"

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We didn't even know
what Mandela looked like,

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'cause you have to remember
his images had been banned from the '60s.

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We didn't know. So, the teachers
just brought a random guy from the street

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and be like, "Here's Nelson Mandela."
We were like, "Why didn't you just say?

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You see, now we wasted our energy."

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[clicks tongue] "This guy."

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We didn't care. We didn't know.
We were kids.

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2020's been…
2020's been a very interesting year.

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One thing I had to learn in 2020,

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or unlearn in 2020,

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is this idea that America is
the greatest country in the world. [tuts]

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[audience laughs]

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They're a crying shame, man.

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Top 50 at best. Top 50.

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Up there with Bangladesh and Sri Lanka.

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[audience laughs]

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Malawi. You know,
they are in competition. In competition.

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No, no, I mean, now they've got Biden,
but we didn't forget Trump.

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There was a whole, full Trump…

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I was like, "Yo, Trump is the crazy--

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Trump is by far the craziest thing
I've seen in a very long time."

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One time, right, 2016, it's 2016,

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the day Donald Trump was elected to be
the American president, I was in New York.

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I'd been in New York
for, like, a week. I met this girl,

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this woman, and she was great.
We were fan-- It was a fantastic vibe.

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We were into each other, it was a…

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You know… you know those feelings.

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She was fantastic. You know, vibes.

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Date number one's good, date number two.

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You know the feeling,
it was good times. Ooh-whee!

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So now, on date number four,
this person takes me to an election party.

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Dunno if you've ever been--

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These people
take the election very serious.

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They have a party where they have screens
reporting on the election.

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In South Africa, we don't do that.

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We know who's going to win.
We're like, "Yeah, the ANC."

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African National Congress
is going to win the election.

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Is it majority or not, we don't know.

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So yeah. So, um…

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I'm at this election party, we vibing,

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and this is the fourth date,
we were getting into each other.

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I thought I'm gonna
spend the night at her house.

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Now we're at the party.
Everything is amazing.

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Everything is going fine.
"Would you like more wine?" "Yes."

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[audience laughs]

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Those kind of dates. You know.

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Anyway, so,
at some point they realize that…

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Trump is leading in the elections.
The whole mood in New York is gloomy.

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The whole room, gloomy.

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I'm like, "Ah, shit."

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At some point, Trump wins the election.

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Ah! Everyone in the room starts crying.
But not like… [whimpers]

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Proper… [sobs]

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My date is crying as well. Now, I'm like,
"Okay, cool. I hear the elections,

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but are we still…"

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[audience laughs]

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"We still going to my house?"
She's like, "No, walk me home."

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I'm like, "Ahh, this motherfucker 
Trump killed me!"

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That's why I'm mad at Trump.
He cost me some pussy. That's why…

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[chuckles]

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That's why I don't like Trump.

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He says crazy-- He says crazy--

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Okay, he said he didn't want people
from shithole countries coming to America.

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He doesn't want people
from shithole countries to come.

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He wants people from Norway
to come to America.

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I thought to myself,
"This nigga's never been to Norway."

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[chuckles]

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There is nobody in Norway going,
"I need to go to America."

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I've been to Norway. Those white people
are enjoying their whiteness. [laughs]

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They walk on the street,
they can taste it in the air. Mmm!"

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[audience laughs]

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"Delicious. Snow and salmon,
you can't go wrong."

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Snow and salmon is white heaven,
I'll tell you that for free.

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No white person is thinking
of America in Norway.

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"I don't give a fuck."

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I'm 37. I'm 37 years old,

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and I realized at 37 there's things
that I got to unpack about my life.

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Everybody's got to.

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It's like, you know
when you upgrade your cell phone?

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When you up--

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Just randomly on a Tuesday, it'll say,
"Would you like to upgrade your iOS?"

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You're like,
"There's no need at all. My phone's fine."

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And then you download another app.

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A random app, right?

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The app goes,
"I don't work without an update."

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[audience laughs]

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"Fuck!" You have to update,
and I'm like, "That's how life works."

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That's how life works.

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You have to constantly upgrade
your software. You have to, right?

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I get so perplexed sometimes
when I'm having a debate with people,

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we're discussing abortion,
and they quote the Bible,

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and I'm like,
"Man, that was written 2,000 years ago.

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They didn't have sandwiches
and air conditioning."

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I don't think you can
just quote the Bible in 2020.

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Do you know how long ago…

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Know how long ago
that was written?

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People were getting
their teeth removed by barbers.

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-That guy would cut…
-[audience laughs]

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The guy will cut your teeth.

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You know how crazy it is
to quote something…

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Shit you're quoting,
people were being hung in crosses.

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Do you understand how crazy that is?

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Like, "Yes, but Moses said…"

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Moses was living in a very different time.

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This-- The Bible says stupid things.
"Love thy neighbor."

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Have you ever lived in a complex?
Have you ever lived--

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[audience laughs]

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Love my neighbor?

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Fuck my neighbor.
Fuck my neighbor.

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Love my space. That nigga's
always making noise, fuck him.

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[audience laughs]

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[Gola chuckles]

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I don't love my neighbor. Get out of here.

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So…

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This is how I actually got to this
realization that I have to unlearn.

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It's quite a-- It's a quite…

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[exhales] …intricate journey. Go with me.

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So, I'm watching Godfather.
You guys seen Godfather?

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I'm watching Godfather during lockdown.

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I'm watching it. I'm like,
"Oh my God, this is great."

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If you haven't, Marlon Brando
plays Godfather Vito Corleone.

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[in Italian accent] Vito Corleone.

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Three-hour movie… [mumbles]

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That's how the don talks. [mumbles]

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[continues mumbling]

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Three fucking hours.

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[audience laughs]

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[continues mumbling]

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Not one scene where someone goes,
"Sorry, I didn't get the last part."

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[audience laughs]

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"You are not clear, my brother.

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You've just ordered us to kill
a whole family.

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We didn't get the address.

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We need at least the address.
Is it street? Avenue?

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What? What? What?

200
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Put down the cat and write it down."

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You know, he's like…

202
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So, I loved the movie so much,
I watched all the movies. All the movies.

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00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,080
When Francis Coppola
was trying to make this movie,

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the Mafia tried to stop him.
He had to sit with them and negotiate.

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And one of the conditions
that the Mafia said to him was,

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um, don't mention
the word "Mafia" in the movie.

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00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,840
If you watch all the movies,

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they only mention
the word "Mafia" twice in all the movies.

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The movie came out eventually
and it was such a success,

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when the Mafia watched the movie,

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right, they loved it so much,

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they were like,
"We need to act more like that."

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Blew my mind.

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I was like, "Holy shit,
how much of my life is like that?"

215
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,520
How much of your life is?

216
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:48,000
How much of your life is just living off
other people's expectations of you?

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00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,320
You're living other people's imaginations.

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After that whole experience happened
in my brain, I started questioning things.

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For instance, my friend got engaged,

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and he bought
this expensive, um, engagement ring,

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and I was excited, but my brain goes,
"Where does an engagement ring come from?"

222
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,400
"Where did this thing come from?"

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00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,520
It turns out an engagement ring
was an idea from De Beers.

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It was an advertising campaign 
by De Beers.

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00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,720
Because they were like,
"The sales of diamonds are not doing well.

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00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,160
How do we get people--"

227
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,840
If you're trying
to get people to drink Coca-Cola,

228
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,560
you come up with an ad campaign.

229
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,440
They were trying to sell diamonds.

230
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,120
Cut to 100 years later, we still buy it.

231
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,080
The women are looking at me going,
"We hear you…"

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00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,720
[audience laughs]

233
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,600
"…but I want my motherfucking ring."

234
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,480
And I get it. I get it. I get it.

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00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,880
Like, I'm in a restaurant,

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00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,000
people are eating whatever,

237
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,520
I'm looking at the menu,

238
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:45,840
I see, "Oh, lobster."

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00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,960
Lobster is
the most expensive thing in the menu.

240
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,560
Always. Why?

241
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,320
Went to investigate.

242
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,280
Discovered that lobster
used to be slave food.

243
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,440
Did you know that?

244
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:02,760
How crazy is that? Lobster used to be
slave and peasant food in America.

245
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,800
Then what happened is the slaves
and peasants just rebelled.

246
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,680
The workers were like,
"We're tired of eating lobster."

247
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:12,200
They burned shit down.
Think of Black Lives Matter protest,

248
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,160
but if you ask,
"What are you fighting for?"

249
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,600
They were like, "We're tired of lobster!
Fuck this lobster!" Pow!

250
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,040
Shit is exploding. Really, yes.

251
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,200
When you get home tonight,
please Google "the Lobster Revolt."

252
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:28,960
And then lobster became this food
that no one wanted to eat.

253
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,720
Then they had to re-market lobster,
and that's why lobster's so expensive.

254
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,400
There's no real fucking reason.

255
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,440
Do you understand?

256
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,080
My brain is exploding
with all this information.

257
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,280
It's-- Everything that happens
in my life, right? right?

258
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:48,080
I'll be meeting up with a friend.
"I'm running a bit late, I had to shave."

259
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,600
I'm like, "When did women shave?"

260
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,280
Started figuring out
when did women start shaving.

261
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,240
Gillette.

262
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,840
Women didn't care about shaving
and men didn't--

263
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,800
We were going to fuck
your hairy asses. We didn't give…

264
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:01,760
[audience laughs]

265
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:05,200
We didn't give a fuck until 100 years ago.

266
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,480
Gillette decided,

267
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,960
'cause men used to
go off to war and fight--

268
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,160
"Who's going to buy my blades?"

269
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,000
He convinced women to shave.
Women didn't give a shit.

270
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,720
And guess what, men also don't--

271
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,000
We don't give a shit
if you're hairy or not.

272
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,840
Okay, let me give you an example
of how men think.

273
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,720
A friend of mine was in a car accident,
he'll never be able to walk again.

274
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,400
Ever.

275
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,680
Two weeks after,
we went to visit in the hospital.

276
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,760
He was lying there. [groans]
There… Ugh.

277
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,920
We go to the doctor, say,
"What's going on, is he okay?"

278
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,880
He's like, "He'll never walk."

279
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,960
We're like, "Doc, more importantly,
will he ever be able to…"

280
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,920
Doc was like, "He'll be fine."
I'm like, "What's the problem?"

281
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,160
-[audience laughs]
-"What's the issue here?"

282
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,320
"Come on, man. Get dressed.
Let's go, bro. What the fuck?"

283
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,120
That's how men are. We don't care.

284
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:57,920
[Gola chuckles]

285
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,160
That's right, man.
You're drinking wine over there?

286
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:03,920
Wine. It's red wine?

287
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,440
Do you know
where the wine glass comes from?

288
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:11,800
You ever thought, like, why that glass
looks like that versus a tumbler? No?

289
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:16,560
In the 15th century, there was a gentleman
who was a Venetian glassmaker.

290
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,000
So they-- Winemakers
used to make all this wine

291
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,880
and then people
used to guzzle the wine. Like… [gulping]

292
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,240
They used to drink… [gulping]

293
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,920
You know, they just drink it.

294
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,600
The winemakers would be like,
"We want people to appreciate this wine."

295
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,360
This Venetian glassmaker was like,
"I'm going to make a glass so delicate,

296
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:37,120
when people hold it, it could break,
so they gotta hold it delicately.

297
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,480
If they hold it delicately,
they'll drink it delicately."

298
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,920
When they drink delicately,

299
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,400
they'll taste the delicious wine
we spent all this time making."

300
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,600
That's how the wine glass exists.
That's how it exists.

301
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,800
Some of you are looking at me going,
"I do hold it delicately."

302
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:52,880
[audience laughs]

303
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,440
"No, holding. Not a problem.
Very delicate.

304
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,280
But when it's time to throw it down?
No, not a joke.

305
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,200
We're chugging, chugging. [gulps]

306
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,920
It's a Friday, I've got problems."

307
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,120
[chuckles]

308
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:09,240
Yeah, I mean, I haven't traveled
in a while, but in my travels,

309
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,520
I learned so much about myself as well.
What did I learn about myself? I learned--

310
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,560
When I was traveling Europe
and I ended up in Lithuania,

311
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,440
I did realize that I cannot deal with

312
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,000
more than three
poor white people at a time.

313
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,720
-[audience member laughs] Three!
-Three.

314
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,040
[audience laughs]

315
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:28,960
Three…

316
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,320
More than three is traumatic.
I'm like, "Jesus!"

317
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,720
Just-- Fuck this trauma, I was always…

318
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,720
'Cause Lithuania--

319
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,600
When we think of Europe,
we think of rich countries. No.

320
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,560
In Lithuania, they are poor-poor.

321
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,000
And you're just like, "Guys…" [tuts]

322
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,000
'Cause I grew up in South Africa
a specific way.

323
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,040
'Cause I grew up in South Africa…

324
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:58,040
my brain made poverty and suffering
synonymous with Blackness.

325
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,200
Which is a crazy thing,
which I'm trying to unlearn as well.

326
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,640
But when I'm in Lithuania, I see people
starving on the street sometimes.

327
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,640
Instead of helping,
giving the person, uh, some money,

328
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,800
my brain just goes,
"You're white, get your shit together."

329
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,240
[audience laughs]

330
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,400
"Come on, man.

331
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:17,640
Get your shit together.

332
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,680
If I had an eighth of your whiteness,

333
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,800
I'd be taking over the world. Come on!"

334
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,360
You know what I mean?

335
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,560
That's how the brain works.
The brain is a very peculiar thing.

336
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:32,840
Like, the brain just connects dots
that make no sense sometimes, right?

337
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,960
For instance,
if you were rolling with ten gay dudes,

338
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,920
the whole day,
you guys are having a good time,

339
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,760
and all they drink
the whole day is cream soda,

340
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,440
your brain goes,
"Gay people love cream soda."

341
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,520
That's what your brain says.

342
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,000
That's stuck in your brain now.
"Gays and cream soda."

343
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,440
[audience laughs]

344
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,960
You're 60 years old,
your grandchildren are like,

345
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,080
"What do you know about homosexuality?"

346
00:16:56,160 --> 00:17:00,200
"Cream soda, like this.
They love cream soda!"

347
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,280
"Those people love cream soda."

348
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,760
"Are you sure, Grandpa?"
"Yes, love it. Love it.

349
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,400
Once upon a time in 2020,
I saw them cream soda-ing the whole day."

350
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:16,080
I remember when I--
I remember before I even met white people,

351
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,000
the first thing I thought of white people
is they don't finish breakfast.

352
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,080
That's the only--

353
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:25,440
'Cause every time on TV, 
they would not finish their breakfast.

354
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,960
They'd be like, "Mommy, I gotta go."
You'd be like, "Finish man, shit!"

355
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,800
That's how the brain works,
is what I'm telling you.

356
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,040
When I first went to school
with white kids,

357
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,600
white people blew my mind.
I couldn't believe--

358
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,880
All the shit that white people, my brain--

359
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,520
Like, I remember
I had a friend, Seth Langley,

360
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,960
and Seth Langley
was eating a tuna sandwich.

361
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,320
A tuna sandwich.

362
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:53,120
Right? I couldn't believe, 'cause tuna
was a thing of Christmas in my life.

363
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,200
This guy, first--

364
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,760
[audience laughs]

365
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:57,760
First break, tuna.

366
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:58,680
Fuck.

367
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,560
Casual-casual. Not even…

368
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,840
Not even extra enjoyment.
Just… [chomping] Casual.

369
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,800
Casually eating tuna on a Tuesday morning,
I couldn't believe.

370
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,760
My brain was blown away.
I was asking stupid questions.

371
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,600
Questions like,
"So, so, have you been saving…"

372
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,440
[audience laughs]

373
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,480
"…have you been saving
this sandwich since December?"

374
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,560
He's like,
"No, my mother made it this morning."

375
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,320
"This morning?" "Yes."

376
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,160
I'm like, "Jesus Christ.

377
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,920
So, you mean, at your house
right now, right now--

378
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,920
You mean at your house now,
there's tuna?"

379
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,560
He's like, "Yes." 
I said, "I'm coming over."

380
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,400
You know these people are ri--

381
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,680
Yo, dude, I live in, like,
a… a 60-square-meter house.

382
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,240
These people live in the ma--

383
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,680
They had a basketball court,
and a tennis court,

384
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,520
6 driveways, I couldn't believe it.

385
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,080
It blew my mind and we're there,
and Seth Langley's parents are like,

386
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,520
"You don't have to…
you don't have to call me Mr. Langley."

387
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,520
His dad.

388
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,960
"You don't have to call me Mr. Langley.
You can call me David."

389
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,400
I said, "No, my brother,
I'm going to call you Mr. Langley.

390
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,000
'Cause one day, I will call you David,

391
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,400
my mother'll be there,
she'll look at me like…"

392
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,200
-[audience laughs]
-"He said I could. He said I could."

393
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,600
Your mother didn't hear that shit.
"Don't talk like that to old people."

394
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,600
So, I'm at Seth's house.

395
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,360
I'd never seen a house this big.

396
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,560
I'd never been inside
a house this big in my entire existence.

397
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,840
This house was amazing.

398
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,200
We're playing PlayStation,
everything is cool…

399
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,280
No, it wasn't PlayStation,
it was Sega Genesis at the time.

400
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:40,240
And at night, Seth Langley's like,
"Let's play hide and seek."

401
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,280
Yo!

402
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,400
I couldn't be-- I didn't even know
you could play hide and seek indoors.

403
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,640
Indoors!

404
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,480
Hide and-- Hide and seek indoors!

405
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,120
You know what I'm--
I grew up in a tiny house.

406
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,520
What do you mean, indoors?
You can't play hide and seek in--

407
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,800
"I see you in the kitchen,
get the fuck out."

408
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,880
"There's no… Are you crazy?"

409
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,840
I'm at this house.

410
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,600
I'm super excited to be at this house.

411
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,520
And I'm super excited
to play hide and seek,

412
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:22,320
and I run off to hide.
I don't even know where I'm running.

413
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,560
This house is big.
I was lost in the house.

414
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,000
You know when you're lost,
you're like, "What the hell is going on?

415
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,680
'Cause in six hours, no one has found me."

416
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,000
Now, you're just hiding,
you're like, "Mmm."

417
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,560
They found me eventually,
but the way they found me was,

418
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:41,040
you know back in the day,
you just remembered people's numbers.

419
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,920
So, I found a phone in the house…

420
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,600
and I just dialed.
I said, "Hey, guys, uh, I'm lost."

421
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:49,880
"I'm here, but I'm not here."

422
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,040
[audience laughs]

423
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,320
And they were like, "What's around you?"

424
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:58,480
"I see… I see books.
I see books and a statue of a dog."

425
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,800
"Ah, you're in the other study."

426
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,080
"Yes, come get me, please. Come.

427
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,320
Send a search party, please."

428
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,440
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

429
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,800
When I was in school, I had my friend.

430
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,440
Seth… Seth Langley was my boy.

431
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,920
Like, he was my boy-boy.

432
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,200
He was my fucking boy.

433
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,560
We'd get into trouble,
then my mom would go,

434
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,800
"If Seth Langley jumps into a fire,
are you also jumping into a fire?"

435
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,920
I'm like, "Yeah,  why would I
leave my friend… lonely in the fire?

436
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,600
Now he's burning alone.
What the fuck?"

437
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:38,880
[chuckles]

438
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,280
This one time, Seth Langley says to me…
[laughs] Seth Langley says to me,

439
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,080
"Loyiso, let's blow up some shit."

440
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:50,080
When someone says blow up some shit,
you're not thinking actual shit.

441
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,320
No, this guy was talking actual feces.

442
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,920
So, I'm like, "Shit, this is crazy.
Okay, tell me more about this plan."

443
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,600
"Loyiso, I've been shitting
in this briefcase for a week, brother."

444
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:03,520
"What?"

445
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,720
"I've been eating fiber.

446
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:07,840
It's flowing out there.

447
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,400
I've got poop in the briefcase."

448
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,760
"Where's… where's the poop now?
Where is it?"

449
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,200
"The back of the school.
I've got the poop ready."

450
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,120
"Okay.

451
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,200
What… what… what is my…

452
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,240
what is my involvement?"

453
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:26,960
"Listen, Loyiso,

454
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:31,600
I want you… I want you
to take the briefcase full of poop,

455
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,280
put firecrackers in the poop,

456
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,080
light the poop in the playground
where the kids are playing

457
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,480
and let it explode
and fuck up everyone's day."

458
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,360
I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah"

459
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,800
"That is a fantastic idea. Let's do it."

460
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,720
My only concern is,
I didn't know how far I had to be…

461
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,000
[chuckles]

462
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,480
…when the poop is exploding,
to be out of harm's way, you know?

463
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,600
'Cause you must remember, this is '96.

464
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,800
They had never done this on Mythbusters.

465
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:05,120
Some of you don't know Mythbusters.
It's a show on Discovery Channel,

466
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,800
and the whole point of the show
is to debunk or confirm myths.

467
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,000
Could be a physiological myth,

468
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,800
could be a scientific myth,
it could even be just a saying.

469
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,360
You know that saying,
"As clumsy as a bull in a china shop."

470
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,520
You know that saying?

471
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,080
In one episode, they took a bull
and put it in a china shop,

472
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,120
and the bull didn't break a thing.

473
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,480
The bull was like,
"I'm the first bull in my family on TV."

474
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,960
[audience laughs]

475
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,120
"Why am I embarrassing my people?"

476
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:33,840
"Why?

477
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:36,840
Why?

478
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,840
We just made it onto the cap
of the Chicago Bulls."

479
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,280
[audience laughs]

480
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,320
"Now you want us to fuck with…"

481
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:44,920
Mm-mmm. [chuckles]

482
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,880
It's crazy. If you go online,
go Google that.

483
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,560
Mythbusters, bull in a china shop.

484
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,000
So…

485
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,160
Fucking-- The whole place
is covered in poop. I'm telling you.

486
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,120
Everybody's covered in shit.
Like, covered-covered in shit.

487
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,400
Everybody's covered in shit.
It was quite a crazy thing.

488
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:06,880
Covered in shit.

489
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,480
Here's the thing, if the whole…
if the whole school's covered in poop,

490
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:12,760
school is over.

491
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,440
You can't go to maths casually.

492
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,080
Choir, rugby, it's over!

493
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,800
Parents are getting calls.
"Come pick up your child."

494
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,640
"Why?"
"No, he's covered in shit.

495
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,120
Everyone. In fact,
I'm covered in shit as well.

496
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,120
As I'm talking, I've covered in shit."

497
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,960
So, me and Seth Langley
get kicked out of school,

498
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,680
'cause upon investigation,

499
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,600
they kick us out of school.

500
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,200
They sent me to a school in Athlone.

501
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,280
Seth goes to another private school.

502
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,680
You know those private schools
for delinquents?

503
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,720
You know those ones?
They're expensive.

504
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,960
The school is like, "You know
how your child is, give us extra."

505
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,240
You know, like, "I'm at a private school."

506
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,960
"Yeah, but not… really-really."

507
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,160
You know those.
So, he goes to one of those.

508
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,200
I go to, like, a school in… in Rylands,

509
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,320
which is a predominantly Muslim community,

510
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,840
which is another world for me.

511
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,520
Because there, it's on-on.
It's like, yeah, no, it's Muslim…

512
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,160
It's not a madrassa.
I don't know if you guys…

513
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:22,680
A madrassa is a school where they teach
the teachings of Islam and the Koran.

514
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:27,840
No, that's not a madr--
It's a school in a Muslim neighborhood

515
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,040
that just teaches you regular shit
like maths and English.

516
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,080
You know? That's what it is.
It's not a madrassa.

517
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,720
I don't want people going,
"You went to a madrassa." No. I didn't.

518
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,600
I didn't-- I still want to run
for American presidency.

519
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,680
[chuckling]

520
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,560
I did realize when I was
at that very young age…

521
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,280
that I was always
learning different things,

522
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,560
and when I think about it,
I think I learned a lot

523
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,760
just by this ability to adapt
to all these different situations I was in

524
00:25:58,840 --> 00:25:59,920
as a young person.

525
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,680
I was living in the township,
school with Muslim kids,

526
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:07,000
I was with white kids, so culturally I was
in touch with what everyone was up to.

527
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:11,040
For me, that's the biggest learning.
I learned so much at that school.

528
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,160
Like, do you guys know about istinja?

529
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,280
Heard about istinja? Istinja?

530
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,960
Said-- He knows.
They know exactly what I'm talking about!

531
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,680
Istinja. Have you--
In the Middle East, ever been--

532
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:25,280
They have, like, a little tap on the side.

533
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:31,200
It's… it's to-- After you've wiped,
you… you clean with water.

534
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,560
It's called istinja.
It's very common in the Middle East.

535
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,760
It's encouraged in the Koran,
it's a very common thing.

536
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:39,600
That's what you do.

537
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,280
So, sometimes you even use
a bottle, whatever, and you clean further.

538
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:45,680
So, this… this--
My first day of school.

539
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,560
I was-- First day of school, I was, um…

540
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,160
I was asking the teacher,
"Ma'am, can I go to the bathroom?"

541
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,080
She's like, "Yes," and… [chuckles]

542
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,280
she gives me this bottle,
no instructions, no manual, no nothing.

543
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,120
She just hands me this.

544
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,520
I'm in the bathroom
with this thing, drinking.

545
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:04,760
[audience laughs]

546
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:08,640
Like, it's a bit salty but culturally 
we're learning new things.

547
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,480
[audience laughs]

548
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,200
I'm not at a mad--
I'm at school, but this is crazy,

549
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,560
because… right next to the school,
there's a mosque.

550
00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:21,160
Right? And the mosque,
the adhan goes off every day without fail.

551
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,960
The adhan goes off.
Do you guys know what the adhan is?

552
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,600
You guys are a bunch of nasaras. [laughs]

553
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,240
He knows what I'm talking about.
Nasaras means heathens.

554
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,440
Anyway, in the Muslim community,
that joke destroys!

555
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,680
[audience laughs]

556
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,600
They're like, "That's our guy."

557
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:42,600
But…

558
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:46,480
So, right next to the school,
there's a mosque and the adhan goes off.

559
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:47,880
The call for prayers.

560
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:51,120
[praying in Arabic]

561
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,120
[repeats prayer in Arabic]

562
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,240
That's… I know it very well.

563
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,520
[audience laughs]

564
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,400
[Gola chuckles] Um…

565
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,200
That's the call for prayer.

566
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,880
If you're a practicing Muslim,
if the adhan goes off,

567
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,240
you're supposed to stop
whatever you're doing

568
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:10,920
and observe the call for prayer.

569
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:13,880
You could be in an exam, writing.

570
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:16,360
Killing the paper.

571
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,640
Maths paper too, killing.

572
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,000
Adhan goes off, you stop.

573
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,800
I get that. This one time,
I'm fighting this guy, Walid.

574
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,600
[audience laughs]

575
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:30,120
Walid is beating the shit out of me.

576
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,280
Out of nowhere, the adhan goes off.

577
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,320
Walid stops.

578
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,000
Did I not murder Walid?

579
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,520
[audience laughs]

580
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,600
Oh, I fucked him up, like, thoroughly.
Fucked him, fuck…

581
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:46,480
Kicked him in the neck.

582
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,560
I beat the shit out of Walid.

583
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:53,040
Why would I not fuck him up?
His own god was like, "Your turn.

584
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:56,520
Your chance, fuck him up back."

585
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,960
And I remember even, like,
during the 9/11 times, you know,

586
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,720
they would be like, "These Muslims
are coming to terrorize us!"

587
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,360
Then you're like, "Muslims? These ones?
No, these are the friendliest people."

588
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,720
"Fahid is coming to bomb what? Fahid?

589
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:16,160
"No, Fahid just wants a zol." [laughs]

590
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:21,280
"He just wants a blunt and a samosa,
he is fine.

591
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,480
There's no way, Shahid is blowing… No."

592
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:27,560
It was weird because I didn't have
that connection to Islam.

593
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,480
I didn't think of Islam as horrible.

594
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,720
I was like, "These people, friendly.
These are friendly people."

595
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,280
You know,
I kind of got involved with their culture.

596
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,560
My favorite thing about Islam is
they bury you immediately.

597
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,920
With Muslim people, you… you…

598
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,080
You die today, one o'clock,

599
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:47,480
6:00, gone, gone, gone.

600
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,240
I feel if you're Muslim
and you go to the hospital,

601
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,520
the doctor goes,
"You have 24 hours to live,"

602
00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:56,120
on the 23rd hour, your friends are going,
"Muhammad, get in the box."

603
00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:57,120
[audience laughs]

604
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,360
"You're going to die, my friend, get in."

605
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,840
So, I finished school,
and I continued with my life,

606
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,040
Seth Langley lives his life as well.

607
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,280
Three years ago, recently,

608
00:30:08,360 --> 00:30:11,280
he gives me a call,
says, "Loyiso, I'm getting married.

609
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,960
I would like you to be
one of my groomsmen."

610
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,040
I go, "Okay, cool, cool, cool.

611
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,120
You have my blessing.

612
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:23,440
I approve. But…

613
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:26,360
this person you're getting married to,

614
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,800
did you tell them
once upon a time in your life,

615
00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:31,040
you blew up some poop?"

616
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,200
He goes, "No, Loyiso.

617
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,400
Love conquers everything, brother."

618
00:30:36,080 --> 00:30:38,080
I said, "No, love doesn't conquer poop.

619
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,480
You have to tell this person.

620
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:44,280
The person has to make the decision
with all the information on the table."

621
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:48,000
He goes, "No, Loyiso,
that's all behind us. That stuff's done.

622
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,920
There's a new me now.
That-- I was a teenager."

623
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:56,080
I said, "No, brother, for you to blow--
To think it's acceptable to blow up poop,

624
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,360
there's something… there's something
that's not clicking right.

625
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,240
You need to unpack that thing

626
00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:03,840
for you to move forward."

627
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,480
He goes, "You're overthinking this."

628
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,440
I said, "I'm not,
but I'll be at the wedding. No problem."

629
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:13,200
The plan was to have a bachelor party
and then a wedding,

630
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,120
and these, uh, these events
are separated by a week,

631
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:19,920
so one weekend is the bachelor party,
the next weekend is the… the wedding.

632
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,680
Cool. I fly from Johannesburg,

633
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,040
'cause the wedding and party
are in Cape Town. I get to Cape Town.

634
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:27,520
Great.

635
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,880
I land. I'm staying at my mom's house.

636
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,600
Everything is great, cool.
I haven't seen my mom in a while.

637
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:37,080
We catch up. Everything is cool.
She cooks something nice.

638
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,280
I change into the shirt, put on cologne.

639
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,880
I'm going to the bachelor party,
it's gonna be fun.

640
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:44,360
Get to Seth Langley's house.

641
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,240
The whole room, drugs, tequila.

642
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,880
What's with white people and tequila?
Guys, come on!

643
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:52,840
Tequila.

644
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,520
All kinds of drugs.
I'm like, "Guys, I… I'm not into…

645
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,200
I don't want to do drugs. No, man."

646
00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,000
"Loyiso, stop being a fucking pussy
and just try some."

647
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,440
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola sighs]

648
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,200
I'm like,
"Okay, cool. I'll… I'll try some.

649
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:13,480
Uh, I'll try… I'll only try something
that I've never tried."

650
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:16,280
He's like,
"Loyiso, we got a bit of ecstasy."

651
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:17,520
I'm like, "I've tried."

652
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,120
"We've got…" "Yeah."

653
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:21,080
"What is that?"

654
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:23,760
"That's acid."
I said, "Cool. I'm going to try."

655
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:25,920
Whoa, what?

656
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,440
[audience laughs]

657
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:31,840
Yo, acid, I am fucking tripping!

658
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,840
If you've never tried acid,
it makes you hallucinate.

659
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:38,600
You see things that aren't there.

660
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:43,120
So, I've got a request. If there's
an acid manufacturer in the room today…

661
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:44,600
[audience laughs]

662
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:45,880
…I have one request.

663
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,560
Can we all see the same thing?

664
00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:49,680
[audience laughs, applauds]

665
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:52,240
Other people are seeing penguins,
I'm seeing pigs.

666
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,040
Pigs flying across the room.
Like, "What's going on?"

667
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,480
"A pig just flew."
"No, that was a penguin."

668
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,000
I'm like, "No."

669
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:02,080
Now we're arguing over stupid shit.
Like, this is crazy.

670
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:05,400
They're like,
"We're gonna call an UberVAN.

671
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:07,360
We're gonna jump into the UberVAN."

672
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:11,200
This big Uber truck,
and we're gonna go to the bachelor party.

673
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:12,760
I said, "Cool, cool, cool."

674
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:17,320
As the UberVAN arrives, I am so high,
in my brain, this is a submarine.

675
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,360
I'm like, "Beautiful.

676
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,240
What a stylish way to travel. What…

677
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:27,280
You know the touch. Seth Langley,
I love the touch. I love it."

678
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,080
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

679
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,040
You know, now,
in the… in the Uber,

680
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:37,680
my brain is going, "Why do I not have
the submarine option on my Uber app? Why?

681
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:41,200
These white people are hiding things
from us again. Why?"

682
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,920
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

683
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,480
I'm-- Guys, I'm finished.

684
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,080
You know when you're like,
"Woo-hoo, I'm tripping."

685
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,640
Pigs are flying across,
we get to the strip club.

686
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:57,880
I don't particularly like strip clubs.
The reason I don't is the same reason--

687
00:33:57,960 --> 00:34:00,640
You know when you're driving
outside of a major city,

688
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,640
like outside Cape Town,
and you're going to another city,

689
00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:06,800
and in-between the cities,
there's like this beautiful nature?

690
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,680
You leave and you're like,
"Oh my God, nature,

691
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:13,400
trees, mountain, cows,
springbok, all kinds of animals."

692
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:15,640
And it's beautiful, and it's such scenery.

693
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,320
And you're like--
Your trip is five hours, right?

694
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,720
The first 45 minutes,
you're enjoying all of it. "Oh, my word."

695
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,440
Then after an hour, you're like,

696
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,120
"Fuck this nature.
I need to get to Durban."

697
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,320
-[audience laughs]
-[Gola laughs]

698
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,960
You're like,
"I don't give a shit about nature."

699
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:34,200
We-- That's how I feel in the strip club.

700
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,440
"I've seen your titties,
do something else.

701
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,400
Juggle, juggle, something.

702
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,680
Grab two balls.
Grab… grab the bottles and juggle.

703
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,640
Your titties are not impressive anymore.
That's how I feel."

704
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:51,400
So, anyways,
I'm so goofed. I'm so goofed, right?

705
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:54,680
I'm so goofed that as the strippers
are walking up and down,

706
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:55,960
in my brain, I'm like,

707
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:57,880
they look like they're full-on pigs.

708
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,800
I'm thinking, "Pork chop number one,
pork chop number two, pork chop…"

709
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:03,160
They're dancing all over.

710
00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:08,640
At some point,
some… some conflict happened.

711
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:12,520
So, I don't know what's happening.
Some guy next to us, with his friends,

712
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:14,160
starts yelling at one stripper.

713
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,200
I come to the stripper's defense. I go,
"Hey, man! Stop yelling at this pig!"

714
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:22,120
She's like, "Who you calling a pig?"

715
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:23,960
[audience laughs]

716
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:28,040
She flips out. "Who you calling a pig?"
Calls the bouncer, bouncer kicks me out.

717
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:29,760
I'm like, "No, I'm high.

718
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:32,160
You look like a dolphin."

719
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,280
They kick me out and I'm outside,
and he kicked the other guy as well.

720
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,720
Now, me and this other guy
who were involved are standing outside.

721
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,040
This guy wants to fight.

722
00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:43,720
I don't want to fight this guy,

723
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:46,640
'cause I'm… I'm 37 years old.

724
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:51,240
Right? If he elbows me in the eye,
that shit will heal in six months.

725
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,120
[Gola laughs]

726
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:57,080
Like, when you're old, they punch you,
now you have a blue eye for six months.

727
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,840
You know how fucking stupid that is?
Or they kick you…

728
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,920
For six months.
No, I don't want that shit.

729
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,440
Also, I just don't like this idea
of being a tough guy all the time.

730
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,120
'Cause women… You know what?
Fucking women…

731
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,680
I call my women friends, like,
"What are you up to?"

732
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,080
"I'm just going to
drink champagne and cry."

733
00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:19,000
"What?"

734
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,040
"Sit at home, drink champagne and cry."

735
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,760
I'm like, "I… I want to do that."

736
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:26,160
[audience laughs]

737
00:36:26,240 --> 00:36:29,080
"I want…
I want to drink champagne and cry."

738
00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:32,760
Why is it only allowed for you guys
to drink champagne and cry?

739
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:35,320
I want to drink champagne
and cry, too. Why?

740
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,760
So I envy you for that. That's a…

741
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:41,120
I envy you. You can be like,
"I'm just going to sit here and…"

742
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:43,240
Men, we're supposed
to be tough all the time.

743
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,600
I'm like, "No, I don't want to be tough
all the time, it's exhausting."

744
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,400
This guy wants to fight me,

745
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,200
he wants me to be tough,
to stand my ground.

746
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,360
I'm like, "I'm not involved, really."

747
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,000
He's trying to taunt me,
"Your mother's a whore!"

748
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,240
I'm like, "My mother's 60,
there's no way she's a whore.

749
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:05,120
My mother can't even stand
a cold breeze from a cracked window.

750
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,840
There is no way that person
is standing in the middle of the night

751
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:11,040
in a street corner,
mini-skirt, selling pussy."

752
00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:15,400
"I'm not offended, 'cause your insults
are factually incorrect."

753
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,120
[laughter, applause]

754
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:23,600
Now the guy is losing his mind.
He's like, "Fuck you! Fuck you!"

755
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:26,200
"I fucked your mom."
"Leave that person alone."

756
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,080
"Listen, you are
a good-looking person in your 30s,

757
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:31,320
you should be doing
way better than my mom."

758
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,840
"As far as I'm concerned,
my mom got the better end."

759
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:35,920
[audience laughs]

760
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,880
"I should just go home
and high five her. I should."

761
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:43,640
It's crazy.

762
00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:47,320
This guy's still trying to fight me.
I'm like, "Dude, just let it go."

763
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,480
He jumps me. His friends come out
and they start punching me,

764
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,800
and I'm on the floor,
and I'm lying there.

765
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:58,000
And as soon as the dudes
I'm rolling with come out, they run off.

766
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,840
Then my white friends are like,
"Let's call the police!"

767
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:05,480
I was so envious of white people
and their relationship with the police.

768
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:07,320
I was like, "Shit, man."

769
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,080
You know, Black people,
police are not option one.

770
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,440
Option five, six.

771
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:17,040
Option one is, "Do I have a cousin
that could kill this motherfucker?

772
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:22,160
Do I have a cousin that's willing
to go back to jail for me? For me?

773
00:38:22,240 --> 00:38:25,240
Which one of my cousins loves me enough

774
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:30,080
to kill this motherfucker
and do another 18 years for me, for love?"

775
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:34,480
That's option one for Black people.

776
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:39,600
Now I'm standing there outside the club
and they've beaten… Dude, I'm--

777
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:43,560
I'm-- My nose is bleeding,
my shirt is torn.

778
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,240
I'm like, "I need to go home."

779
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:49,200
"Loyiso, come on. The night's still young.
Stop being a fucking pussy."

780
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:50,920
You know the thing about dudes--

781
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,800
Women, lemme tell you,
dudes are such morons.

782
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,440
A guy you know
when you were 12 to the age of 18,

783
00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,880
they can convince you to do anything.

784
00:38:59,960 --> 00:39:02,600
Ever seen dudes
when they meet their teenage friends?

785
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:04,840
It's like, "Ah, my nigga!"

786
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,000
"This is a board meeting."
"Yeah, but that's my nigga though!"

787
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:10,960
"That's my nigga though."

788
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,320
[audience laughs]

789
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:15,080
You know what I mean?

790
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:16,920
So, they can convince you
to do anything.

791
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,320
You're like... [talking gibberish]

792
00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:22,440
It's crazy.

793
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:26,120
So, now he's like, "Loyiso,
stop being a fucking pussy, let's go!"

794
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,840
"Ah, fuck, okay. Where are we going?"

795
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,880
"I got a friend around the corner.
He's got some weed.

796
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,720
Gonna put some clothes on you,
going to go to another party, brother."

797
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,800
"Fuck. Okay, cool. Let's go."

798
00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:41,920
I get the--
I should have never touched that weed.

799
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:44,400
Have you ever smoked… Hey, guys.

800
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,880
Cape Town people,
you know those dudes with the long beards?

801
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,840
You know those hipster guys?
Don't touch their weed, guys.

802
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:55,720
That will fuck you up. You know people
who take coffee too serious?

803
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:57,800
[audience laughs]

804
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:01,600
Don't touch their shit.

805
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:05,200
This guy was like, "Loyiso, brother.
Nice to meet you, my brother.

806
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:10,360
I was in Ethiopia at the Lalibela temples,
brother, studying the coffee."

807
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:12,040
I'm like, "Get a real job."

808
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:14,960
[chuckles]

809
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:17,080
I smoked some.
You ever smoked that weed?

810
00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:20,480
You go to the bathroom
and look at yourself in the face.

811
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,560
The weed goes, "Go look at yourself
in the mirror, quickly."

812
00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:27,400
Then, when you get to the mirror,
your brain goes, "Act normal. Act normal."

813
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:28,960
[audience laughs]

814
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,440
Now, you're like, "When I get there,
I'm going to be normal.

815
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,680
That's the weed.
So, I smoked this weed…

816
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:42,960
and I'm like, "Oh, man, this is crazy.
I'm high as shit."

817
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,360
But we're going
to the next party. Next party.

818
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,800
Okay. We get to the next party.
It was on the 17th floor.

819
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:51,640
You ever been in an elevator
where you come in one side,

820
00:40:51,720 --> 00:40:54,240
but you have to exit the… other side?

821
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,600
We are so high,
my brother, we are so high

822
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,760
that we came in this side,
we want to leave this side.

823
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,680
We're all waiting for this side to open.
it's not opening. We're like, "Ahh."

824
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:08,480
This side, people are coming in and out.

825
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:12,640
But we're hearing fuck all. Nothing.

826
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:16,120
Eventually, someone taps me
on the shoulder. "Are you guys okay?"

827
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,000
I turn around. I'm like,
"When the fuck did you get in?"

828
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,320
He's confused. I'm confused.
I'm like, "Oh, my word."

829
00:41:23,080 --> 00:41:25,200
So, the elevator gets to the 17th floor.

830
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:26,800
The doors open. Pow!

831
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,120
Wonderful party.

832
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:30,520
It's a wonderful party.

833
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:32,360
Soon as I step out, I look around.

834
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,840
I realize
I'm the only Black person at the party.

835
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,600
Know what happens to Black people
when they're the only Black People?

836
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:41,600
They go from being Flavor Flav
to Nelson Mandela like this.

837
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:46,400
They go from "Yeah, boy!"
to… [imitates Mandela] "Hello, everybody."

838
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,480
[audience laughs]

839
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:52,200
"Ah, this is
a very dangerous environment.

840
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:55,520
Anything can happen,
they are going to blame me.

841
00:41:56,440 --> 00:41:59,520
I will be in the corner, best behavior.

842
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,960
Best behavior, in the corner over there."

843
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:06,360
That's how you act. You just know!
A glass is missing, everyone's looking…

844
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,840
"Hey! I'm here for a good time too,
motherfucker."

845
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:15,000
So, now, Seth Langley goes,
"Hey, Loyiso,

846
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:17,440
I'm going to go to the bar,
get us some drinks.

847
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,720
You just find us some chairs."

848
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,520
I said, "Okay, cool.
I'll go find us some chairs."

849
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:25,040
I look around. I don't find any chairs.

850
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:27,880
He comes back with drinks. He's upset.

851
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,680
He's like, "Where are the chairs?"

852
00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:32,320
"Seth, I couldn't…

853
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,680
I couldn't find…
I couldn't any chairs, man. I'm sorry."

854
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:39,960
Right next to us,
eight white women are dancing.

855
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,080
Off-rhythm. Off-off!

856
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,120
Off. So off.

857
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:48,600
Which is such a weird stereotype for me.

858
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,680
Stereotypes are weird.
They don't make sense.

859
00:42:51,760 --> 00:42:54,680
We need to unpack
these stereotypes, 'cause that--

860
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,760
Like, stereotypes
that white people can't dance,

861
00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,920
stereotypes like Black people can't swim.

862
00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:01,600
[mutters]

863
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:03,600
It doesn't make sense.

864
00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:06,240
None are genetically predisposed
to these things.

865
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:10,000
So when I hear white people going,
"I can't dance to save my life."

866
00:43:10,080 --> 00:43:11,960
I'm like, "Know what? You're fine."

867
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,600
You will never
have to dance to save your life.

868
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:16,680
[audience laughs]

869
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,680
But when Black people go,
"I can't swim to save my life."

870
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,840
I'm like, "You know,
that's a problem. That's a health…"

871
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:24,920
[audience laughs]

872
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:27,800
"That's, uh…"

873
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,880
[laughter, applause]

874
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,320
"That's a health and safety issue. That's…

875
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:37,480
You need to sort that out."

876
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:39,440
Those stereotypes make no sense.

877
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,960
These eight white women
are dancing off-rhythm.

878
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,440
First, I'm not
going to make fun of white people

879
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:47,640
for their inability to dance
without helping.

880
00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:50,480
We're trying to build a country here,
so I will help.

881
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,240
White people. [clears throat]

882
00:43:56,920 --> 00:43:58,000
Each song…

883
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,720
has many instruments to dance to.

884
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,800
[audience laughs]

885
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,000
Choose one.

886
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:10,880
Just choose one fucking--

887
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:13,520
Choose that instrument.
Commit, commit.

888
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:18,280
If you say, "Hey, I've committed
to the piano from the beginning,"

889
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,400
choose piano from beginning to end.

890
00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:24,520
Don't go, in the middle of the song,
go, "The bass sounds amazing."

891
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:28,200
Fuck the bass. Commit to the piano.

892
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:32,240
That's how you find yourself
off-rhythm. Midway, off-rhythm.

893
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:38,040
I've been on floors with white people
where I'm like, "Is this the remix, or…?

894
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,920
Are they listening to their own music?
What the fuck?"

895
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,800
So, anyway, these women are dancing.

896
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,280
Right next to them,
there are eight chairs.

897
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,440
Seth Langley walks over,
and on the chairs, they've got bags.

898
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:56,960
He walks over, grabs the bags,
goes, "Are these your bags?"

899
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:58,720
"Yeah."

900
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:00,600
He goes, "Can I take these bags

901
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:03,200
and put them on two chairs
and take the rest?"

902
00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:04,800
Uh, they go, "Yeah."

903
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:07,560
Takes all the chairs, brings them over,

904
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:10,440
looks at me and goes,
"Why couldn't you have done that?"

905
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:12,960
Then I go, "Done what?"

906
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:14,040
He said, "That."

907
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,800
I'm like, "You want me,
as the only Black person here,

908
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:21,320
to walk over to eight white women
and grab their bags? Are you…

909
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:25,720
You have no consideration for my health."

910
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,680
[audience laughs]

911
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:28,880
"That-- No!"

912
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:31,360
He's like, "Why are you
always bringing race into the thing?"

913
00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:35,160
I said, "In your mind, you're thinking,
how can you not see the chairs?"

914
00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:37,520
No, you're wrong. I saw the chairs.

915
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:40,040
It's just, the option did not appear.

916
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:44,600
Not even Barack Obama
would think of that motherfucking option.

917
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:48,480
No Black person just walk--
We just know how society views us.

918
00:45:48,560 --> 00:45:52,040
Our brains are like,
"The SWAT team will open the roof."

919
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,800
What the fuck? No way. There's no…

920
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:58,880
So I'm trying to explain.
"There's no way I would have done that."

921
00:45:58,960 --> 00:45:59,960
"No, Loyiso.

922
00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:02,640
Always bringing up race."

923
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:06,160
I'm like, "Yeah,
'cause that's how the world is."

924
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:10,320
It's bizarre. I'm like,
"How does he not understand this shit?"

925
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:13,920
How does my friend not understand
that the world treats us differently?

926
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:16,760
Such a hard thing
to explain white privilege,

927
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,680
specifically to white people.

928
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:21,840
Or a room just full of people,
not everyone gets it.

929
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,080
I'll try. This is my attempt
trying to explain white privilege.

930
00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:27,040
White privilege is starting a band…

931
00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:29,280
and calling it The Killers.

932
00:46:30,840 --> 00:46:34,240
-And everyone goes, "Yeah, great band."
-[audience laughs]

933
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:37,840
Then the Grammys invite- If there was
a Black band called The Killers,

934
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:41,880
there's no fucking way
those people are playing at the Grammys.

935
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:46,440
When a Black-- Black bands have to think
outside the box for their name.

936
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:49,120
"What do we call ourselves?"
"Earth, Wind & Fire."

937
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:50,880
[audience laughs]

938
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:54,160
"What do you mean?"
"Yeah, we're just not The Killers.

939
00:46:54,240 --> 00:46:56,480
The Killers is limiting."

940
00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:01,400
So, now, I'm high. I'm so high.
This guy's arguing about race.

941
00:47:01,480 --> 00:47:05,200
I'm like,  "I don't want to argue,
you're killing my high. Can I go home?"

942
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:07,720
"I'll see you at the wedding."
Boom, I get out.

943
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:12,040
But now I go to McDonald's.
The reason I go to McDonald's:

944
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:16,320
it's 24 hours,
I get to sit there until my high is calm,

945
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:19,480
'cause I don't want to get home high.
Then the high is ruined.

946
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:23,080
'Cause I've done that shit before.
You get home, you're high as a kite.

947
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,720
Right, you get--
Now, you've forgotten the alarm code.

948
00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:29,440
The alarm is going off.

949
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:33,240
Instead of trying to switch off
the alarm, what are you doing?

950
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:35,000
Dancing to the tune of the alarm.

951
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:37,960
Your mother's waking up.
"What are you doing?"

952
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:40,320
You're like, "Did you not hear this one?"

953
00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:44,480
[humming]

954
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:46,440
So, that's why I don't get home high.

955
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,280
I get-- Eventually, I get home.

956
00:47:49,200 --> 00:47:53,240
Well, I call… I call a Uber and…
I call a Uber.

957
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:56,720
But I'm like, "I came here in style.

958
00:47:57,160 --> 00:47:58,920
Let me call a submarine."

959
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:00,960
[audience laughs]

960
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:04,200
So, I check.
I'm like, "It's not available."

961
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:08,960
So, I call a regular Uber.
"Regular Uber, that's fine. That will do."

962
00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:14,120
Then the guy, the regular Uber arrives.
I go, "Hey, man,

963
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:18,400
I noticed that you guys,
on my particular app…"

964
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,880
[audience laughs]

965
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:22,720
"You guys don't have the…

966
00:48:24,840 --> 00:48:27,480
How do I…
How do I get the submarine

967
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:29,640
to… to come pick me up?"

968
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:31,680
The guy says…

969
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:36,320
The guy looks at me casually and goes,

970
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:38,120
"Just upgrade your software, man!"

971
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:40,640
[audience laughs]

972
00:48:40,720 --> 00:48:42,440
And I go, "Okay, okay, okay."

973
00:48:43,960 --> 00:48:45,920
[laughter, applause]

974
00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:48,240
I go, "Okay, okay, sure, sure."

975
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:52,440
So, I get home. When I get home,
my mom is getting ready to go to church.

976
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:56,960
She wakes up and starts preparing the food
that she's going to cook after church.

977
00:48:57,040 --> 00:49:00,080
She wakes up mad early.
I get home, it's 6:00 in the morning.

978
00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:04,720
My mom is there
and she's looking at me like,

979
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:07,400
"Where's the shirt you were wearing?"

980
00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:10,600
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
I didn't have a story for this. Uh…

981
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:15,360
No, at Seth Langley's house,
pizza fell on me. All over me.

982
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:16,800
Had to take off the shirt."

983
00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:21,760
"What happened to your eye and your nose?
Why is there blood coming out…"

984
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,000
I said, "You know, I tripped and I fell."

985
00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:25,720
I can't tell her the truth.

986
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:29,160
"I fought someone
who said they had sex with you.

987
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:34,120
I should be the one
who's asking questions at this point.

988
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,560
You have a lot of explaining yourself."

989
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:41,480
But I can't tell her that.
I got to stick to my story.

990
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:44,960
"Pizza. Pizza.
There was pizza all over my chest."

991
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:48,600
"I spilled pizza…" [laughs]

992
00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:50,080
"…and I tripped and I fell."

993
00:49:50,160 --> 00:49:53,400
And she's looking at me,
she's slicing a carrot, going, "Okay."

994
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:58,000
You know, "Okay. Tell us more."

995
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:01,840
And I'm like, "Yeah,
because while carrying the pizza…"

996
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:09,160
That is how Black people
listen to white people

997
00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:10,520
when you tell history.

998
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,760
-We're like, "Okay, tell us more."
-[audience laughs]

999
00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:17,640
[applause]

1000
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:23,440
"Okay, exploring, exploring. Okay, okay.

1001
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,200
Exploring. Okay.

1002
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:30,160
Okay. Civilized.
Civilized, you were. Okay.

1003
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,160
Uncivilized. Okay."

1004
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:39,600
It's crazy.

1005
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:44,360
I was-- When I moved to…
When I moved to the UK,

1006
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:48,240
when I-- Well, when I first started
going to the UK, like, five years ago,

1007
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:51,480
I went on this app
called Bumble and, um…

1008
00:50:52,400 --> 00:50:55,120
I was meeting people online,
which is cool,

1009
00:50:55,200 --> 00:50:59,280
and I met with this Spanish girl,
this Spanish woman. She was great.

1010
00:50:59,360 --> 00:51:01,720
We texted and then, eventually, we met.

1011
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:03,600
We met up, and when we met up,

1012
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,640
um, we were chilling on a date,

1013
00:51:06,720 --> 00:51:09,640
and the date wasn't going great,
wasn't bad, it was a date.

1014
00:51:09,720 --> 00:51:12,000
You know how dates are.
Trying to… uh, uhh.

1015
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:15,600
Everyone's kind of tense until--
And it gets looser and looser.

1016
00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:18,640
At some point in the day,
she tells me she's from Granada.

1017
00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:21,760
I'm like, "I know a little bit
of history about Granada."

1018
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:27,640
And I tell her, I'm like, "Granada is
the last place where the Moors

1019
00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:30,240
fought the Spanish the final time--

1020
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:33,320
For the final time
for the Spanish to get their independence,

1021
00:51:33,400 --> 00:51:35,120
and that's how Spain was freed."

1022
00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:37,000
She was like,
"What are you talking about?"

1023
00:51:37,080 --> 00:51:40,960
I said, "Spain used to be run by
a bunch of niggas for 700 years."

1024
00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:44,320
"What do you mean?"
She had never heard of this.

1025
00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:46,600
She was hearing this for the first time.

1026
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:48,080
Kind of like some of you.

1027
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:49,880
[audience laughs]

1028
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:52,960
Crazy. I'm explaining to her.
Like, "When did this happen?"

1029
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:58,080
"From the 7th century to the 14th century,
Spain was called al-Andalus."

1030
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:00,480
She just--
She just couldn't believe it.

1031
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:03,800
She was, like, calling me a liar.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

1032
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:06,160
This is some peculiar shit
to be lying about.

1033
00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:08,560
I'm not a history teacher.
I don't give a fuck.

1034
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:12,360
Had I known this would have cost me
some pussy, I'd have kept it to myself.

1035
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:16,400
I'm not trying to s--
I don't give a fuck. I don't care.

1036
00:52:18,080 --> 00:52:21,560
Then I thought, "Why would
she be upset about historical fact?"

1037
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:24,280
Then I realized white people
have been told all their lives

1038
00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:27,920
that they gave you everything.
That's what it means to be white.

1039
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,240
You walk around going,
"Speakers, that's me.

1040
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:33,120
Ice cream. That will be us, thank you."

1041
00:52:33,200 --> 00:52:34,480
[chuckles]

1042
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:36,480
"Candles! That's us too, thank you."

1043
00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:40,360
I have… I have my Indian friend Rabin.

1044
00:52:40,440 --> 00:52:44,080
My Indian friend Rabin, I called Rabin,
I said, "I'm running a bit late.

1045
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:48,440
Yoga went a little over today.
Ah, give me a second. I'll be there."

1046
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:51,760
He says, "Loyiso, yoga?
You're always doing white people things."

1047
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,600
I said, "No, Rabin.
You're Indian, that's your shit!

1048
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:58,840
That's-- Yoga is your--
Don't let white people trick you!"

1049
00:52:58,920 --> 00:53:01,360
[audience laughs]

1050
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:02,600
"That's your shit!"

1051
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:10,720
The truth is, some of our best advances
as human beings are not from white people.

1052
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:13,720
The first people to write
were not white, the first people…

1053
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:18,440
The first people to, um, study astrology
were not white people,

1054
00:53:18,520 --> 00:53:20,760
the first to do maths
were not white people.

1055
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:24,040
Even the technology that gives
white people their biggest advantage

1056
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:28,000
in the last 500 years, which is gunpowder,
was not invented by white people.

1057
00:53:28,720 --> 00:53:32,640
Gunpowder was invented by the Chinese,
and when the Chinese invented gunpowder,

1058
00:53:33,240 --> 00:53:36,360
it was for fireworks
and blowing up poop like civilized people.

1059
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:38,440
[audience laughs]

1060
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:44,920
I think, uh… I think we need to…
I think we need to un--

1061
00:53:45,000 --> 00:53:48,400
I think Black people need to unlearn
your inferiority complexes,

1062
00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:52,800
'cause you can live your life
thinking that you've never contributed.

1063
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:54,680
[applause]

1064
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:55,800
'Cause you can…

1065
00:53:57,360 --> 00:54:00,760
Because you can live your life
just believing you never contributed

1066
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:03,400
to human civilization, which is not true.

1067
00:54:03,480 --> 00:54:05,640
Everyone has contributed
at different times.

1068
00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:11,040
Um, white people, you need to unlearn
your superiority complexes.

1069
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:16,040
And I talk about it so loosely,
like it's an easy thing to do.

1070
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:18,520
It's not an easy thing to do,
it's quite like--

1071
00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:21,640
It's a lot of work,
you have to apply yourself.

1072
00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:23,000
You got to want to do it.

1073
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:26,200
And my biggest inspiration
for wanting to unlearn is my mom.

1074
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:28,520
My mom was born in 1959.

1075
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:35,040
In the height of aparth-- Like,
just the most horrible time to… to exist.

1076
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:36,520
My mom was a straight-A student.

1077
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:40,120
And my mom was raised by, um, two parents.

1078
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:43,400
My grandmother was illiterate,
didn't know how to read and write,

1079
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:45,800
so some of our bonding time
with my grandmother

1080
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:47,800
was me reading her letters.

1081
00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:50,760
So, she'd keep these letters
and I would read them for her

1082
00:54:50,840 --> 00:54:52,560
as part of our bonding time.

1083
00:54:54,680 --> 00:54:58,000
And the thing is,
she always used to say…

1084
00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:01,360
[speaking Xhosa]

1085
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,680
Which is, "Close your ears
so you don't hear what's in the letters."

1086
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:07,680
So, I would read the letter like this.

1087
00:55:10,920 --> 00:55:14,040
I would read, but before the end,
at the end of the letter,

1088
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,520
I would add my own agenda.

1089
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:17,560
[audience laughs]

1090
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:20,520
Like, "When making
a peanut butter and jam sandwich,

1091
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:24,240
can you please put the jam on top?"

1092
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,160
Which would confuse my grandma,

1093
00:55:28,240 --> 00:55:30,400
'cause she'd be like,
"Why is the municipality…

1094
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:33,840
telling me how to make sandwiches?"

1095
00:55:35,120 --> 00:55:38,760
Apartheid was-- I don't think people
understand how hectic apartheid was.

1096
00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:44,920
I know people now are arguing
for equal opportunity.

1097
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:47,600
You realize that shit wasn't even a thing.

1098
00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:52,440
You could be in grade ten, studying.
What are you studying for?

1099
00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:55,880
Because legally, you can't be the thing--
You can't be an astronaut.

1100
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:59,240
You can't. You can't. It's like,
imagine going to high school,

1101
00:55:59,320 --> 00:56:01,040
and in your brain somewhere,

1102
00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:04,920
they're like, "You're not allowed
to be this thing. It's against the law."

1103
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:06,480
There was a guy who--

1104
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:11,440
I don't know if you heard of this guy.
He was ANC president… in 1950.

1105
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:14,480
This guy was a surgeon.

1106
00:56:15,240 --> 00:56:18,520
He was one of the few qualified--
Google him, James Moroka.

1107
00:56:18,600 --> 00:56:20,280
He was a qualified surgeon.

1108
00:56:21,240 --> 00:56:23,680
But he wasn't allowed to operate.

1109
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:25,960
He studied in Venice,
studied in Edinburgh.

1110
00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:29,280
He was one of the most qualified
doctors in the country.

1111
00:56:29,360 --> 00:56:32,600
Wasn't allowed to operate. 
So, that's what it meant to be Black.

1112
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:35,480
It meant even if you had this shit,
even if you had the--

1113
00:56:36,240 --> 00:56:37,760
The law limited you.

1114
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,120
Even if you're studying--

1115
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:42,200
Now, you're like,
"I don't know what I'm going to become."

1116
00:56:42,280 --> 00:56:45,240
Then it was like, "Yeah, you can want.

1117
00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:47,720
Want is one thing. By law, fuck you."

1118
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:52,240
So, it was a hard thing.
In 1978, she finished with high school,

1119
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:58,040
and then she tried
to, um, go into university.

1120
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:01,360
That didn't work out. In 1983, she had me.
You know what kids do.

1121
00:57:02,040 --> 00:57:03,040
Fuck your shit up.

1122
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,480
Kids! Oh, they'll fuck your shit up.

1123
00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:08,840
You're having a good time,
kids are like, "Stop it."

1124
00:57:08,920 --> 00:57:10,520
[audience laughs]

1125
00:57:10,600 --> 00:57:12,600
"All of it, stop it now.

1126
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:15,120
I've just shat myself.

1127
00:57:15,720 --> 00:57:17,880
I need attention now."

1128
00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:21,400
I don't want kids. Fuck kids.
Know how much I don't?

1129
00:57:21,480 --> 00:57:23,120
I'm wearing a condom right now.

1130
00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:24,600
[audience laughs]

1131
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:27,800
That's how much I don't want kids.
I'm like, "Forget about it."

1132
00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:29,640
What? No.

1133
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:33,200
People will try to trick you.
"They're such a blessing."

1134
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:37,720
[laughs] I've seen you at the airport
trying to check in with your blessing.

1135
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:39,280
[audience laughs]

1136
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,480
Your blessing thinks they can
enter a plane without a boarding pass.

1137
00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:46,920
Your blessing has
fucked up ideas about life.

1138
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:52,160
My mom had me.
My mom raised me and my brother.

1139
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:53,640
Raised us.

1140
00:57:54,480 --> 00:57:56,040
We both moved out of the house.

1141
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,720
She worked at the bank for 26 years,

1142
00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:01,840
then she went back to university,
like she'd always intended.

1143
00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:04,240
At the age of 58,
which is three years ago,

1144
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:06,080
she graduated with a degree.

1145
00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:09,160
-Yeah. Crazy.
-[applause, whistling]

1146
00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:12,400
So, this… this show is…

1147
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:14,960
this show is dedicated to her,

1148
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:17,080
because she inspired me to unlearn,

1149
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:20,680
and I hope she can inspire you
to unlearn too and unpack yourself

1150
00:58:20,760 --> 00:58:26,120
and… do the things you really want to do
and be able to interrogate yourself.

1151
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:30,080
That's the show. Thank you very much.
You guys have been amazing.

1152
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:32,160
[applause, cheering]

1153
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:42,000
For those of you who are interested,
some of you might not care,

1154
00:58:42,880 --> 00:58:44,760
but Seth Langley's getting divorced.

1155
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:47,000
[audience laughs]

1156
00:58:47,080 --> 00:58:50,080
Of course, he's getting divorced.
He's-- Of course.

1157
00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:52,120
What do you mean?
He's getting divorced.

1158
00:58:52,200 --> 00:58:55,400
You don't fucking blow up poop
and walk off into the sunset.

1159
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:58,920
That's not how life works.
You have to unpack that shit. Okay?

1160
00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:02,360
Let's unlearn, ladies and gentlemen.

1161
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:04,480
Thank you, you guys have been fantastic.

1162
00:59:04,560 --> 00:59:06,080
[applause]

1163
00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:08,000
I gotta get out of here…

1164
00:59:09,280 --> 00:59:11,120
'cause my submarine is waiting.

1165
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:13,080
Thank you.

1166
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:15,240
["Black Divinity" by Zethu Mashika plays]