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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[ Hip-hop music playing ]

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♪♪

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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-Miami, make some noise...

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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...for Mr. Marlon Wayans!

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♪♪

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♪♪

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-How the fuck we doing, Miami?

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Thank you.
I love you, too!

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Thank you.

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I do.
I really do love you guys.

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I mean, I swear.
I love people.

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I'm a lover of life.
You know what I mean?

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Life in general.

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And it's like, as you get older,

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I learned, I'm like 90% love,

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but there's, like,
10% of shit I hate.

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A lot of things I hate --
well, people hate --

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come from fear, right?

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The thing I hate most comes
from the thing I fear most.

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And it comes from, like,
childhood trauma.

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And this is gonna sound crazy
to you, but...

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[ Sighs ] Okay, fuck it.

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I am so scared...

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of niggas
with outie belly buttons.

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It's just...

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something evil about a nigga
with a outie belly button.

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You know what I'm talking about?

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Like, Andre McLaurin -- he
had an outie belly button.

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He was the bully in my hood.

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He terrorized me
my whole childhood.

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He was an evil little nigglet.

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4 years old, he was buff.

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Look like Kevin Hart buff.
Like...

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Looked like he just got out
of baby prison and shit.

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And he was a kid.
4 years old, he had lats.

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The only way you get lats
is from doing prison time

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and doing pull-ups.

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He was a badass little kid.

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He was so evil, his first baby
tooth, it came in chipped.

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[ Laughter ]

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And he was an evil fucker.

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He used to always steal
the one cherry

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out of my fruit cocktail
at lunchtime.

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And if you went
to a public school,

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you know how much that fucking
one cherry meant to you?

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It took you 15 cups to get
to the fucking cherry.

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Otherwise, it was all grapes
and fucking nectarines.

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Yo, I don't want that shit.
I want a cherry!

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And Andre, he had an outie
belly button, right,

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and he had this six-pack.

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And the outie belly button

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looked like someone
threw a Vienna sausage

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at that nigga's stomach
and it caught.

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[ Grunts ]

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He was bowlegged.

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All them little outie
belly button dudes, they --

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they all bowlegged 'cause
they mama make 'em walk

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when they only 5 months old
before their legs harden.

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[ Laughs ]
And then she give him --

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because she doesn't believe
in walkers or strollers.

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She goes, "Those are
for pussies!"

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She make him walk
when he 5 months old

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and she give him
man responsibility,

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'cause you know
his daddy ain't there.

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Oh, outie belly button niggas
ain't got no daddy, shit.

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And they make them go--

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"Take your little brother
Lamar to school!"

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And she put Lamar on his neck,

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and be, "I'll take him,"
and that weighed down his legs.

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So he walk around with heavy-ass
Lamar on his shoulders,

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and now he gotta go,
"Take Dede to daycare!"

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And now he gotta drag his
little brother Dede to daycare.

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"Come on!"

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And she always screams shit
to him out the window.

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Quit smoking my Newports!

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I know it's you,
you piece of shit!"

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That was his little nickname.
"Piece of shit!"

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He be out till, like,
5:30 in the morning

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with his saggy diaper
full of shit, just...

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Oh, they ain't potty trained.

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Outie belly button niggas
is dumb as shit.

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They can't read or write

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or don't know their ABC's
or 123s,

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but they're super athletic.

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They can backflip
into a public pool

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with their jeans
and sneakers on.

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So he walking around
the neighborhood

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just looking for trouble
with a little saggy-ass diaper

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hanging out his fucking
G-Star jeans,

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and he just looking for trouble.

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Walking around the neighborhood,
smoking his mama's cigarettes,

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just...[ Inhaling ]

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But he's still a kid,
so he suck his thumb, too.

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[ Laughs ]

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Never fight a bitch
with a outie belly button.

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You will lose that fight.

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Oh, let me tell you something,
outie belly button women,

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they can do two things.

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They can fight, and they can
fuckin' Double Dutch.

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Oh, shit.

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They always got Vaseline
in their back pocket.

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And they put it on their face
and say evil shit like,

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"Oh, bitch, this what
I wanted you to do!

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Oh, bitch, I prayed for God

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you was gonna fuck
with me today, ho!

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Ooh, I'ma fuck you up."

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And they always got --
they always got little --

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little "Bitch,
I can fight" hairdos.

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They got cornrows, right?

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But the cornrows be real little,

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'cause they ain't got a lot of
hair, so it look like stitches.

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Look like Wolverine went...

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[ Deep voice ]
"Get over here, bitch!"

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[ Normal voice ]
And they hair's so small

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[chuckles]
the shit be unraveling.

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Boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom.

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So they put them little colorful
hair braids on the back,

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but half the time, they can't
afford that, so they put them

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Venus and Serena braids --
beads -- on the end,

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and clump them
with some aluminum foil?

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And God forbid if she got that
"bitch, I could fight" ponytail.

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You know them little ponytail?

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It look more like
a Rottweiler tail

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or a Doberman Pinscher tail?

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It's a little struggle tail.

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Oh, and her girlfriend

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help her get that little bit
of hair in a ponytail,

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be like, "Shit, sit still,
Faye, sit still!

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We almost got it!"

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And the hair never make it.
The ponytail never make it.

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All this be broke off.

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There will be, like,
nine scraggly hairs here

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and, like, seven over here.

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And she gotta slick it down
with some Vaseline

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and try to make
some baby hair.

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But one time she sweat, boom,
that shit come right back up.

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And all this be bald as shit.
This be bald.

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Look like somebody
fading her shit at all times.

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But it's 'cause all the stress
from trying to have a ponytail

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when, bitch, you ain't got
no hair, so...

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Her eyes be s--
real tight, you know?

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She got the tight eyes?

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It's because
she actually gotta put her skin

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in the ponytail
to make the ponytail reach.

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And when it reaches,
it's finally,

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it's a little, little ponytail.

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[ Child's voice ]
Oh, it's so little!

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And it look like --

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[ Normal voice ]
Bitch look like a water balloon.

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I'ma give you some stats
on outie belly button people,

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and then we can move on,

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'cause I'm really offending
this brother

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with the outie belly button
in the front row.

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Him and his comrade.

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Uh, these are real statistics.

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You can look it up
after the show.

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Uh, Google it.

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Whatever search engine you use,
Safari perhaps.

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Firefox. Uh...

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[ Exhales sharply ]
They're terrible people,

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outie belly buttons,
they menaces to society.

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You know that 87.3%
of our entire prison system

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is filled with niggas
with outie belly buttons.

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84.6% of all the fathers

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that don't take care
of their children.

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It's a shame.

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Outie belly b-- [ Laughs ]

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Every rapper
that's ever been to prison?

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The nigga got a outie belly
button. I ain't lyin'.

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They always got they shirt off
in pictures. Google it.

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Meek Mill --
outie belly button.

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Lil Wayne --
outie belly button.

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Bobby Shmurda
and his whole crew of...

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♪ We be on some block bitches ♪

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♪ To the tone, to the tone
to the top ♪

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All got outie belly buttons

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and saggy Pampers hanging out
their G-Star jeans.

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Ready?

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Lil Baby and DaBaby...

185
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outie belly button.

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Ready for this?
Kodak Black.

187
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Yeah, this nigga got a outie
belly with a outie belly button.

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Oh, he's an anomaly.

189
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It's not just a Black thing,
okay?

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White folks, you sitting here,

191
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having a good old laugh
at us minorities.

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[ Imitating White voice ]
[ Laughs ]

193
00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:04,708
[ Normal voice ]
This is the biggest stat of all.

194
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Ready, White folks?

195
00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:13,500
99.99%...

196
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...of all them White folks

197
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that bum-rushed the Capitol...

198
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,541
[ Laughter ]

199
00:08:23,625 --> 00:08:26,916
[ Cheers and applause ]

200
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The insurgents all had
outie belly buttons.

201
00:08:30,416 --> 00:08:33,916
[ Laughs ]

202
00:08:36,291 --> 00:08:38,958
Donald Trump got
a outie belly b--

203
00:08:39,041 --> 00:08:40,416
[ Laughs ]

204
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That's why he wears
those long ties.

205
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He's trying to hide it.

206
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[ Chuckles ]
I know, this is real shit.

207
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You know what's funny?

208
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I almost didn't have children,
because I was afraid one of them

209
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was gonna have
an outie belly button.

210
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I got kids, got two.

211
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,500
[ Applause ]
Yes.

212
00:09:04,583 --> 00:09:06,833
Some brave woman
let me cum in her twice.

213
00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:10,375
And that's 90 p--
I love them, man.

214
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My daughter, she just graduated,
uh, high school.

215
00:09:13,416 --> 00:09:15,375
[ Cheers and applause ]

216
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:19,416
And she went to her prom.
Yeah.

217
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,958
Which for the father
of a daughter

218
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is a miserable fucking evening.

219
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No, 'cause, you know,
prom night,

220
00:09:26,458 --> 00:09:28,958
that's the night
that your baby girl's

221
00:09:29,041 --> 00:09:32,666
gonna lose her virginity.

222
00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:35,625
Ladies, y'all ain't shit.
Y'all ain't shit.

223
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,041
Ain't nobody correct me.

224
00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:39,541
None of y'all are worth
a damn cent.

225
00:09:39,625 --> 00:09:40,791
Look at y'all.

226
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,125
You gonna sit here
and let me and your nigga

227
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,625
next to you believe
that you lost it prom night?

228
00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:47,250
Yeah, right.

229
00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:49,625
You know you lost that shit
in the tenth grade

230
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in some fucking stairwell

231
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:56,916
to a random Puerto Rican
named Orlando.

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[ Chuckles ] Prom night's
just the first night

233
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your nasty ass
gonna do it in the bed,

234
00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:03,291
and your daddy gotta pay for it.

235
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See, I don't --
I don't like the setup

236
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,833
'cause I feel like a sucker
as a father.

237
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:08,166
"Cause prom night is not about

238
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:10,125
impressing the daughter
or the mother.

239
00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:12,333
No. See, the mother
and the daughter,

240
00:10:12,416 --> 00:10:15,166
they in cahoots with this
little motherfucker across town,

241
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,833
who's trying to come
fuck your daughter.

242
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,000
That's what they're trying
to do, fuck your daughter.

243
00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:22,166
What's he doing?
Trying to fuck your daughter.

244
00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:25,250
And he come, and he come,
he think he Prince Charming.

245
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,375
He pull up in a limousine.

246
00:10:27,458 --> 00:10:29,458
Oh, he's wearing a tuxedo,

247
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:32,375
and he has these
shiny tuxedo shoes on.

248
00:10:32,458 --> 00:10:34,875
And he rings the doorbell
all respectfully.

249
00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:36,208
[ Imitates doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

250
00:10:36,291 --> 00:10:37,583
And you open the door,

251
00:10:37,666 --> 00:10:39,500
and he says some really
polite thing like,

252
00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:40,875
"How are you, Mr. Wayans?

253
00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:42,625
It's a pleasure
to meet your acquaintance.

254
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,958
I'm here to pick up Amai."

255
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:47,416
And then he produces a corsage.

256
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:50,250
"Ooh, a corsage!
Ooh, for my daughter?

257
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:53,125
Oh!
You gentleman, you!

258
00:10:53,208 --> 00:10:54,541
Here.

259
00:10:54,625 --> 00:10:56,541
Fuck her.

260
00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:59,500
You fuck my daughter,
you gentleman, you!"

261
00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:02,208
Get the fuck outta here
with that bull--

262
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:03,708
Slap you in your little face.

263
00:11:03,791 --> 00:11:05,833
Don't come to my door
with that shit.

264
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,125
Don't do that.

265
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,500
You come to my house,

266
00:11:08,583 --> 00:11:10,875
you trying to bang my daughter,
be a man!

267
00:11:10,958 --> 00:11:12,833
You wanna pick up my daughter?
Be a man.

268
00:11:12,916 --> 00:11:15,416
Don't come in some limousine
your daddy rented for you.

269
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,791
No, I'm not impressed.

270
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:19,041
You come in some shit
you could afford.

271
00:11:19,125 --> 00:11:21,250
You show up to my house
on them little --

272
00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:24,708
little scooty bikes
you rent in the street, like...

273
00:11:28,166 --> 00:11:30,083
Yeah, better yet,
come on a skateboard.

274
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:33,333
Just come to the house like,
"Ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta."

275
00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:35,916
Impress me! Do a trick up
the stairs or some shit.

276
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,375
Oh!

277
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,583
And don't wear no tuxedo.
I'm not impressed by that shit.

278
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:44,500
Nah, don't wear no tuxedo.
Some rent-a-tux.

279
00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:45,958
Come on, man.

280
00:11:46,041 --> 00:11:48,875
You wear it today, but
it was on a dead body yesterday.

281
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:52,250
You smell like embalming fluid.

282
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:54,958
You come to my house,
you show up -- I'm a '90s nigga.

283
00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:57,958
So you come to my house,
impress me.

284
00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:00,250
You wear a pair of FUBU jeans.

285
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:01,958
Yeah, some Karl Kani,

286
00:12:02,041 --> 00:12:04,208
something with some big
writing on the pocket.

287
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:07,291
And make sure you have
an Aniche shirt

288
00:12:07,375 --> 00:12:09,500
and a Mecca sweater over that.

289
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,125
Tie a Phat Farm cardigan
around your neck.

290
00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:14,500
Yeah, and then have
a Eight-Ball jacket

291
00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:18,833
just sitting off your shoulders
like Dom Perignon.

292
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:22,041
And then you have a Yankee
fitted that's not that fitted

293
00:12:22,125 --> 00:12:24,458
just sitting off
the side of your dome.

294
00:12:24,541 --> 00:12:26,375
And don't bend the brim.

295
00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:27,833
Leave that shit new!

296
00:12:27,916 --> 00:12:29,208
Don't bend the brim.

297
00:12:29,291 --> 00:12:30,916
And you better not take
the sticker off.

298
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:32,916
I wanna see that little black
sticker with your head size.

299
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,166
I wanna be like, "Oh!
Seven and five eighths?

300
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:37,333
Oh, he got a big-ass head.
He's smart!"

301
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:41,250
And when you come to my house,
do me a favor.

302
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,500
Don't ring my doorbell.

303
00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:44,125
[ Imitating doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

304
00:12:44,208 --> 00:12:45,791
Nah. Nah.
Let's be real.

305
00:12:45,875 --> 00:12:48,708
You don't come to me
with disguising

306
00:12:48,791 --> 00:12:51,958
your evil R&B Trey Songz
intentions, nah.

307
00:12:52,041 --> 00:12:53,625
You tryin' to fuck my daughter.

308
00:12:53,708 --> 00:12:55,958
"Boom-boom" says, "Love you!"

309
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:57,041
Get the fuck outta here.

310
00:12:57,125 --> 00:12:58,791
Come with some --
Knock on my door.

311
00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,333
Knock!
Let me hear you knock.

312
00:13:00,416 --> 00:13:03,333
Don't ring my doorbell.
Knock.

313
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,166
Yeah, that's a real nigga
right there.

314
00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,958
And let me hear your intentions
in the knock.

315
00:13:09,041 --> 00:13:10,583
I wanna hear your knock say,

316
00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:12,583
"I'm here to fuck
your daughter!"

317
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,791
You feel me?
That -- that gets my attention.

318
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:18,291
"Boom-boom"
don't get my attention.

319
00:13:18,375 --> 00:13:19,791
Nigga, I be on the toilet
taking a shit,

320
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,208
I hear "Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
I ignore it.

321
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,791
I just keep checking
my Instagram.

322
00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:25,291
"Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
dropping my load. [ Grunts ]

323
00:13:25,375 --> 00:13:27,750
"Boom-boom." [ Grunts ]
"Boom-boom."

324
00:13:27,833 --> 00:13:30,041
But if I hear, "I'm here
to fuck your daughter!"

325
00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:31,875
I be like, "Oh, shit, he here!"
I don't even wipe my ass.

326
00:13:31,958 --> 00:13:33,250
I just pull up and be like,

327
00:13:33,333 --> 00:13:35,208
"Oh, he here!
He here, nigga!"

328
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,708
I'll wipe later.

329
00:13:39,791 --> 00:13:42,791
And when I open the door,
do me a favor.

330
00:13:42,875 --> 00:13:45,791
Don't say no smart shit
to me like,

331
00:13:45,875 --> 00:13:47,541
"How are you doing, Mr. Wayans?

332
00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:50,583
Pleasure to make your
acquaintance. I'm here to pi--"

333
00:13:50,666 --> 00:13:53,833
I'll choke you, pussy!
Don't...

334
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,250
Don't do that.

335
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:56,708
Just shut the fuck up.

336
00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:59,000
You come to bang my daughter,
let's be real.

337
00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:01,416
Don't say nothing.
Have some fucking empathy.

338
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:02,666
What you trying to do, huh?

339
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,250
You trying to love her?
No, no.

340
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:05,708
You trying to fuck my daughter.

341
00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:10,250
Let me tell you something,
my guy, that's my bitch.

342
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,375
Yeah, my pussy made that pussy,

343
00:14:12,458 --> 00:14:15,916
so respect the guy
when you come through!

344
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,375
Don't say no smart shit to me,

345
00:14:17,458 --> 00:14:18,916
[ Mocking voice ]
"How you doing Mr. Way--"

346
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,541
[ Normal voice ] Shut up!

347
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,750
Just look at me and have some
compassion, have some empathy.

348
00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:24,958
You took your S.A.T.?
That's a S.A.T. word.

349
00:14:25,041 --> 00:14:27,416
You took your S.A.T.'s,
you got a 870 or over,

350
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,041
you know what
the fuck empathy is.

351
00:14:30,125 --> 00:14:32,125
"Cause you give me that look
like you know what the fuck

352
00:14:32,208 --> 00:14:33,625
I'm going through as a father.

353
00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:35,375
I open the door, be like...
[makes creaking sound]

354
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,458
"Just give me that look
like you understand, like..."

355
00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:39,083
[ Exhales ]

356
00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:48,166
[ Sighs ]

357
00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:03,500
Then say some cool shit like...

358
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:04,875
[ Inhales deeply ]

359
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:11,291
[ Deep voice ]
"You know what it is."

360
00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:13,125
[ Normal voice ]
"You know what it is."

361
00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:14,791
That's real nigga talk
right there.

362
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:17,625
You won my heart with
"You know what it is,"

363
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,250
'cause "You know what it is"

364
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,333
says so much
without saying shit.

365
00:15:21,416 --> 00:15:23,500
So, let's say like --
And brothers understand this.

366
00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:25,666
Like, let's say I'm leaving
the amphitheater tonight

367
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,875
and I see some young brothers
outside and they wanna rob me.

368
00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:30,166
And they see it's me,

369
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:31,666
and they be impressed like,
"Oh, shit!

370
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:34,458
Nigga, that's Marlon Wayans!
Oh, I love you!

371
00:15:34,541 --> 00:15:36,375
Wayans Brothers?
Wayans Brothers?

372
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:39,500
Wayans Brothers?
Come on, my guy.

373
00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:40,958
♪ We brothers ♪

374
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:43,541
♪ We happy and we singing
and we colored ♪

375
00:15:43,625 --> 00:15:44,833
♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

376
00:15:44,916 --> 00:15:46,833
♪ Gimme a high five! ♪

377
00:15:46,916 --> 00:15:49,708
That was my shit.
Yo, 'Little Man'?

378
00:15:49,791 --> 00:15:51,291
Yo, I cried at 'Little Man',

379
00:15:51,375 --> 00:15:53,791
'cause I got a cousin
that small, man,

380
00:15:53,875 --> 00:15:55,375
so I know that shit be real.

381
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,000
And then 'White Chicks'?
Yo, that shit was a lit--"

382
00:15:58,083 --> 00:16:00,458
[ Cheers and applause ]

383
00:16:00,541 --> 00:16:02,250
"Yo, that -- Yeah,
it was a little gay,

384
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:04,416
but, nigga, that shit
was funny though.

385
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,791
But, yo, yo, I love y'all, man!

386
00:16:06,875 --> 00:16:09,625
Yo, my family love your family,
but, yo..."

387
00:16:09,708 --> 00:16:11,875
[ Sniffs ]

388
00:16:11,958 --> 00:16:14,916
"Me and my niggas is hungry.

389
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,250
And you got that little chain
on, you know what I'm saying?

390
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:21,083
And I like them sneakers
you got on.

391
00:16:21,166 --> 00:16:23,458
So as much as I love you...

392
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:26,541
[sniffs]

393
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,958
...you know what it is."

394
00:16:29,041 --> 00:16:30,333
[ Cheers and applause ]

395
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:31,791
[ Normal voice ]
Somebody give me that shit,

396
00:16:31,875 --> 00:16:34,041
and here, "Take the chain.
Take my sneakers."

397
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:35,416
That's a real nigga right there.

398
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,250
Don't even pull the gun out,
just take it.

399
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:38,583
The heist is done.

400
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,000
Same thing with my daughter.

401
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,541
"Nigga, here, take her,
take her, take her.

402
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,791
She deserve a real nigga
like you."

403
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:48,250
And then when you grab her,
grab her hand and be like,

404
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:50,250
"Yo, listen, you did
a good job, man.

405
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:53,041
Just do yourself a favor.

406
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:56,250
Don't wait up."

407
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:59,291
And pull up on your skateboard,
ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta.

408
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:00,625
And don't let her on.

409
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:03,166
Let her chase after you
like a real nigga.

410
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:06,291
And then turn around and show me
your outie belly button like,

411
00:17:06,375 --> 00:17:09,291
"You know what it is!
You know this shit is real!"

412
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:13,916
I actually had no anxiety at all
on my daughter's prom night.

413
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,500
Not a drop.
Know why?

414
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,708
'Cause my daughter's gay,
so, yeah.

415
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:22,000
[ Chuckles ]

416
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,833
That took all --
all the anxiety away.

417
00:17:24,916 --> 00:17:26,458
You know what's funny?

418
00:17:26,541 --> 00:17:28,791
Knowing that my daughter wasn't
gonna be banging some dude

419
00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,208
or getting pregnant
or having no disease, I --

420
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:32,916
That doorbell rang,
I was so relieved.

421
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,583
I went to the doorbell --
Boom-boom! --

422
00:17:34,666 --> 00:17:35,833
I looked through the peephole,

423
00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:38,291
I seen it was a girl,
I said, "Yes!"

424
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:39,875
[ Laughs ]

425
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:45,750
"Ooh, this bitch is bad, too.
Hey, how you doing?

426
00:17:45,833 --> 00:17:49,041
Ah, don't call me Mr. Wayans,
call me Mama!"

427
00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:50,375
[ Smooches ]

428
00:17:50,458 --> 00:17:53,000
"Amai, your date is here!

429
00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:56,125
Oh, baby girl,
don't you look beautiful?

430
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,583
Look at you.
Don't she look pretty?

431
00:17:58,666 --> 00:18:01,083
But why your dress so long,
girl? Hike your dress up.

432
00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:03,666
Yeah, show some pussy.
She ho-- Yeah.

433
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,083
Girl, you safe.
This like fishing.

434
00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:07,875
Throw that chum in the water.

435
00:18:07,958 --> 00:18:09,333
Go on, show some pussy!

436
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:14,833
Now, you girls have fun.
Don't do nothing I wouldn't do."

437
00:18:14,916 --> 00:18:17,250
[ Evil laugh ]
"Now, check it out,

438
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:19,458
I got y'all a little hotel room,
and guess what?

439
00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:21,833
It's a suite!

440
00:18:21,916 --> 00:18:24,958
Curfew? Bitch, stay out
till Thursday, yeesh."

441
00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:28,250
"Now, check it out,
I got y'all some party favors.

442
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:30,833
I got you, uh [sniffs]
I got you a little bit of weed.

443
00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:33,291
Just tell the driver
you want some collard greens,

444
00:18:33,375 --> 00:18:35,000
he got that shit
rolled up for you.

445
00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:37,791
I got you some liquor.
I got that good liquor.

446
00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:39,458
I got that Ciroc.

447
00:18:39,541 --> 00:18:42,375
Yeah, that shit that make Diddy
and his kids dance like this.

448
00:18:42,458 --> 00:18:46,583
Every time they hear "Ciroc,"
they just be dancing like this.

449
00:18:46,666 --> 00:18:49,375
Here, take this Molly.
Take the Molly.

450
00:18:49,458 --> 00:18:50,666
Don't do the whole pill.

451
00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,000
I got this shit from Miami,

452
00:18:52,083 --> 00:18:54,458
I don't know what the fuck
is in this shit."

453
00:18:54,541 --> 00:18:55,875
[ Cheers and applause ]

454
00:18:55,958 --> 00:18:57,875
"Just give her half,
and you take the other half.

455
00:18:57,958 --> 00:18:59,666
You do the whole thing,
trust me,

456
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,291
it's gonna be really hard for
you to eat vagina like this."

457
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:12,875
[ Chuckles ]

458
00:19:12,958 --> 00:19:16,208
That's just how it was, man.
I ain't trippin'.

459
00:19:16,291 --> 00:19:18,458
My daughter told me
she was gay

460
00:19:18,541 --> 00:19:20,916
when she was, uh,
she was how old?

461
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,583
She was 15 years old.

462
00:19:22,666 --> 00:19:26,333
And, uh, you know,
I realized I'm not God.

463
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,458
I can't judge.

464
00:19:28,541 --> 00:19:30,000
I'm a father.

465
00:19:30,083 --> 00:19:32,916
And my job as a father
is to love my daughter

466
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,416
unconditionally,
no matter what.

467
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:45,083
So, I told my daughter,
you know, I said,

468
00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:48,750
"Listen, baby girl," I said,
"You know, I accept you,

469
00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:52,083
but for you,"

470
00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:54,250
I said, "Don't be concreted
in your thoughts,

471
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:55,916
because you're still a baby.

472
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,750
I mean, life is not a sprint.

473
00:19:57,833 --> 00:19:59,666
This is a marathon.

474
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:03,291
And what you love today,
you may hate tomorrow."

475
00:20:03,375 --> 00:20:05,375
And I cited an example,
I said,

476
00:20:05,458 --> 00:20:08,375
"Remember when you was little,
you hated peas?

477
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,291
Yeah, you did.
You fucking hated peas.

478
00:20:11,375 --> 00:20:12,666
And what did we do?

479
00:20:12,750 --> 00:20:14,583
We went to the bookstore,
and we got that book.

480
00:20:14,666 --> 00:20:17,958
'Green Eggs and Ham'
by Dr. Seuss.

481
00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:21,625
Now who loves peas?
You do!

482
00:20:21,708 --> 00:20:23,291
Right, so let's go
to the bookstore,

483
00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:25,291
and let's see
if we can find another book.

484
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:29,416
'Green Eggs and Dick'
by Dr. Seuss.

485
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,000
Yeah, and Daddy
will read it to you

486
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:32,583
like I did
when you was little."

487
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,000
[ Clears throat ]

488
00:20:34,083 --> 00:20:37,958
"'You can suck it in the park.

489
00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:41,791
You can fuck it in the dark.

490
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:44,333
You can suck it in the rain.

491
00:20:44,416 --> 00:20:46,875
Watch out for big, buff,
Black dick.

492
00:20:46,958 --> 00:20:51,208
It will surely give you pain.

493
00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:54,291
Oh, dick, it comes
in all shapes.

494
00:20:54,375 --> 00:20:57,375
Some are narrow,
some are wide!

495
00:20:57,458 --> 00:21:01,875
Some are round at the top
and others have sleeves.

496
00:21:01,958 --> 00:21:06,708
They call those uncircumcised.

497
00:21:06,791 --> 00:21:09,458
And if you know these dicks
I'm speaking,

498
00:21:09,541 --> 00:21:11,916
the uncircumcised ones
usually belong

499
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,708
to Dominicans
and Puerto Ricans.'"

500
00:21:16,791 --> 00:21:20,833
[ Laughter ]

501
00:21:20,916 --> 00:21:22,750
[ Chuckles ]

502
00:21:22,833 --> 00:21:24,000
No, but my daughter was like,

503
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,666
"No, Dad,
you're not getting it."

504
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:28,000
She said, "I'm gay,

505
00:21:28,083 --> 00:21:30,833
so you love me
or you leave me alone."

506
00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:33,541
And she gave me two options,
but I only heard one,

507
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,875
which is to love her, right?

508
00:21:35,958 --> 00:21:38,250
Yeah.

509
00:21:38,333 --> 00:21:40,625
I mean, it actually made me
look at myself.

510
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:43,208
Like, the fact that
she's living her truth?

511
00:21:43,291 --> 00:21:44,750
I picked up the mirror
and I said,

512
00:21:44,833 --> 00:21:46,375
"Shit, am I living my truth?

513
00:21:46,458 --> 00:21:49,208
I'm lying here next to her
mother every night,

514
00:21:49,291 --> 00:21:52,500
and this shit don't feel right."

515
00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:58,916
"I'm wearing these skinny-ass
leather pants

516
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,416
that's giving me male camel toe.

517
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,708
What the fuck is going on?"

518
00:22:04,791 --> 00:22:06,875
And I realized something.

519
00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:09,041
I wasn't living my truth.

520
00:22:09,125 --> 00:22:10,458
And I thanked my daughter.

521
00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:12,541
I said, "Thank you,
you freed me."

522
00:22:12,625 --> 00:22:17,083
I said, "Baby girl, Daddy...

523
00:22:17,166 --> 00:22:18,833
likes pussy, too."

524
00:22:21,458 --> 00:22:23,208
"I do!
Oh, I love pussy!

525
00:22:23,291 --> 00:22:26,333
Not your mama's.
I'm tired of that shit."

526
00:22:26,416 --> 00:22:29,583
I've been fucking that
for 25 years.

527
00:22:29,666 --> 00:22:31,166
It's like an old piece
of chewing gum.

528
00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:32,916
I just wanna put it up
underneath a desk

529
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,875
and watch it get on somebody
else's jeans and be laughing.

530
00:22:35,958 --> 00:22:39,708
I've learned
I like all kinds of pussy.

531
00:22:39,791 --> 00:22:41,791
I like White pussy.

532
00:22:41,875 --> 00:22:43,791
Yes, I said it, sisters.

533
00:22:43,875 --> 00:22:47,458
And I'll say it to your face.
I like White pussy.

534
00:22:47,541 --> 00:22:49,750
So white, you can hear the "H"
when I pronounce it.

535
00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:51,791
Hh-white!

536
00:22:51,875 --> 00:22:53,333
And look at this brother,
he smiling.

537
00:22:53,416 --> 00:22:55,541
He said, "Man, me too!"

538
00:22:57,833 --> 00:22:59,083
And I like them a little racist.

539
00:22:59,166 --> 00:23:00,875
I like a little Karen.
I'll go down --

540
00:23:00,958 --> 00:23:03,541
I'll go down to Sarasota
and grab me a fucking Karen,

541
00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:06,375
and I'll fuck her ass and
change her whole perspective.

542
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:08,083
I'll put that dick so deep,
she'll be like,

543
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:10,583
[ Screaming ]
"Black Lives Matter!"

544
00:23:10,666 --> 00:23:14,291
[ Cheers and applause,
laughter ]

545
00:23:14,375 --> 00:23:17,833
And I like Latina<i> chocha.</i>
<i>Sí!</i>

546
00:23:17,916 --> 00:23:21,041
<i>Me gusta Latina chocha mucho!</i>

547
00:23:21,125 --> 00:23:23,458
Yeah, I like the<i> gorda labias.</i>

548
00:23:23,541 --> 00:23:25,125
Ah, yes.

549
00:23:25,208 --> 00:23:26,583
And [with accent] yes, yes.

550
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:27,833
[ Normal voice ]
And then I fuck,

551
00:23:27,916 --> 00:23:29,541
and she fucking call me names,

552
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:33,083
she like,<i> "Ay, negrito sucio!"</i>

553
00:23:33,166 --> 00:23:36,125
And I say, "Sí.

554
00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:39,833
<i>Negrito su...cio!"</i>

555
00:23:42,708 --> 00:23:44,083
And I like Black.

556
00:23:44,166 --> 00:23:46,791
I like Black, Black, Black,

557
00:23:46,875 --> 00:23:49,875
Bla-a-a-a-a-a-ck pussy.

558
00:23:49,958 --> 00:23:53,500
I'm talking fucking
Black Lives Matter black.

559
00:23:53,583 --> 00:23:56,500
Civil Rights Movement black.

560
00:23:56,583 --> 00:23:59,333
Wyclef Jean's kneecap black.

561
00:24:01,291 --> 00:24:04,333
Bobby Brown crack finger black.

562
00:24:04,416 --> 00:24:06,708
[ Laughs ]

563
00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:10,208
Wesley Snipes' everything black.

564
00:24:10,291 --> 00:24:12,291
And that pussy been
through so much.

565
00:24:12,375 --> 00:24:15,291
All Black women been through
so much trouble and oppression.

566
00:24:15,375 --> 00:24:16,875
She ain't impressed
by nothing you do.

567
00:24:16,958 --> 00:24:18,416
You can't hurt that pussy.

568
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:20,625
You pull their panties down
and pussy got attitude,

569
00:24:20,708 --> 00:24:22,500
look at you like, "Tsk."

570
00:24:24,291 --> 00:24:27,708
"That's all you got?"

571
00:24:27,791 --> 00:24:29,500
[ Sighs deeply ]

572
00:24:29,583 --> 00:24:32,916
Ah, it feels so good
to live my truth.

573
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,375
Thank you, baby girl,
for accepting me.

574
00:24:35,458 --> 00:24:37,416
[ Sighs ]

575
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:40,416
Come on.
Let's go live our truth.

576
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:42,291
Let's go tell your mother, huh?

577
00:24:42,375 --> 00:24:45,250
You first, bitch.
I'll be over here.

578
00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:46,541
I'm proud.

579
00:24:46,625 --> 00:24:50,041
I'm so proud of her
that Pride month passed,

580
00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:52,666
and I put a post up
on my Instagram.

581
00:24:52,750 --> 00:24:55,541
And I wrote her
a beautiful caption.

582
00:24:55,625 --> 00:24:59,208
I said, "Happy Pride Month
to my pride and joy.

583
00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:02,708
I'm so proud of you
for living your truth,

584
00:25:02,791 --> 00:25:05,291
for having the courage
to just be you."

585
00:25:05,375 --> 00:25:07,708
I said, "Daddy loves you
to the moon and back,

586
00:25:07,791 --> 00:25:09,458
around the stars,
through every galaxy.

587
00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:12,041
And one day, when God takes me,
may he bring me back again

588
00:25:12,125 --> 00:25:14,583
to find you exactly the way
you are

589
00:25:14,666 --> 00:25:17,416
and love you
for the rest of eternity.

590
00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:19,333
Love always, Daddy."

591
00:25:19,416 --> 00:25:20,875
[ Applause ]

592
00:25:20,958 --> 00:25:24,083
But you know, on Instagram,
there's always that one comment.

593
00:25:24,166 --> 00:25:29,041
That one negative nigga
with a little dick.

594
00:25:29,125 --> 00:25:33,416
Lonely, insecure, mad he living
in his mama's basement

595
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,375
that's full of fucking mold.

596
00:25:35,458 --> 00:25:38,875
Well, this piece of shit --
Chaz0135.

597
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:44,000
He writes, "I can't believe you
would teach your daughter this."

598
00:25:44,083 --> 00:25:46,375
I said, "Hey, motherfucker.

599
00:25:46,458 --> 00:25:49,375
I didn't teach this little girl
how to be gay!"

600
00:25:49,458 --> 00:25:52,291
How do you teach somebody
to be gay? Tell me.

601
00:25:52,375 --> 00:25:54,583
What do you think I did?
You think I sat her down

602
00:25:54,666 --> 00:25:56,791
and told her her alphabets
like this?

603
00:25:56,875 --> 00:25:59,000
"Listen, fuck ABC.

604
00:25:59,083 --> 00:26:03,458
All you need to know is LGBTQ.
That's all!"

605
00:26:03,541 --> 00:26:04,958
I didn't teach her to be gay.

606
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:07,166
Sometimes that's just
the way they are.

607
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:08,958
I need y'all to listen
to your kids.

608
00:26:09,041 --> 00:26:11,125
I should have known she was gay.
You know how?

609
00:26:11,208 --> 00:26:13,625
I remember when my daughter
was born, right?

610
00:26:13,708 --> 00:26:14,958
My daughter was three --

611
00:26:15,041 --> 00:26:17,708
My daughter was three
and a half weeks late

612
00:26:17,791 --> 00:26:19,291
when we gave birth to her.

613
00:26:19,375 --> 00:26:21,833
Three and a half weeks.
We had to induce labor.

614
00:26:21,916 --> 00:26:23,708
We used Pitocin to get her out.

615
00:26:23,791 --> 00:26:26,375
Her mother was in labor
for 42 hours,

616
00:26:26,458 --> 00:26:28,875
trying to push
this little girl out.

617
00:26:28,958 --> 00:26:32,708
So obviously, this little bitch
loved pussy!

618
00:26:36,083 --> 00:26:38,416
But see, I wasn't listening.

619
00:26:38,500 --> 00:26:41,541
So I look at guys
like Chaz0135, and I go,

620
00:26:41,625 --> 00:26:44,583
"Listen, sometimes that's just
the way the child comes.

621
00:26:44,666 --> 00:26:46,958
And how dare you try
to shame a young lady

622
00:26:47,041 --> 00:26:48,875
that's just trying to find
her way in the world."

623
00:26:48,958 --> 00:26:50,333
That shit pissed me off.

624
00:26:50,416 --> 00:26:52,291
I'm a troll, I went to
that motherfucker's profile,

625
00:26:52,375 --> 00:26:54,166
I started looking --
thinking of jokes.

626
00:26:54,250 --> 00:26:56,541
Oh, I called my brothers.
Yes, I called for backup.

627
00:26:56,625 --> 00:26:57,833
I said, "Shawn,
Keenen, Damon.

628
00:26:57,916 --> 00:27:02,250
Instagram. Chaz0135.
Koo-koo!"

629
00:27:02,333 --> 00:27:03,875
[ Applause ]

630
00:27:03,958 --> 00:27:06,791
Oh, we a family full of niggas.

631
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:09,750
They hit me back with the "Soo!"

632
00:27:09,833 --> 00:27:11,458
Yeah, and I was starting to --

633
00:27:11,541 --> 00:27:13,125
like, we about to light him up
with jokes,

634
00:27:13,208 --> 00:27:18,208
but then I saw that Chaz0135
had a brand-new baby girl.

635
00:27:18,291 --> 00:27:21,875
And so I seen where
his insecurity was coming from.

636
00:27:21,958 --> 00:27:23,791
So I instantly called
my boys off,

637
00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:26,541
called the boys off, was like...
[ makes bird sound ]

638
00:27:26,625 --> 00:27:29,208
Oh, that's bird talk for
"Back up, back up, back up."

639
00:27:29,291 --> 00:27:32,541
And they hit me back
with the...[ makes bird sound ]

640
00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:35,000
That's, "Alright, nigga,
you good, you good, you good."

641
00:27:35,083 --> 00:27:37,708
[ Chuckles ]
Because I know some--

642
00:27:37,791 --> 00:27:38,875
I'm gonna tell you something.

643
00:27:38,958 --> 00:27:41,666
I'm a -- I'm a man of God.

644
00:27:41,750 --> 00:27:45,791
"No weapon formed against me
shall prosper."

645
00:27:45,875 --> 00:27:47,375
Yes.

646
00:27:47,458 --> 00:27:51,041
I saw the same Tyler Perry movie
as you, sister, same one.

647
00:27:51,125 --> 00:27:54,666
Because you realize something,
that there's a karma to life.

648
00:27:54,750 --> 00:27:56,625
You ain't gotta do nothing
to bad people.

649
00:27:56,708 --> 00:27:58,416
Let me tell you something,
Chaz0135.

650
00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:01,208
One day when your baby girl
grows up,

651
00:28:01,291 --> 00:28:05,708
and she turns 19,
and she comes out the closet...

652
00:28:07,458 --> 00:28:10,291
...I'm gonna have
my daughter fuck her!

653
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,125
'Cause I'm a motherfucking troll
like that.

654
00:28:19,208 --> 00:28:20,583
[ Laughter ]

655
00:28:20,666 --> 00:28:22,958
Guess what?
I got gay friends.

656
00:28:23,041 --> 00:28:24,708
You should see the looks
that I get from people

657
00:28:24,791 --> 00:28:26,541
when I hang out
with my gay friends.

658
00:28:26,625 --> 00:28:30,041
Even my straight guy friends
be looking at me

659
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:31,625
when I hang out
with my gay guy friends.

660
00:28:31,708 --> 00:28:34,166
They be looking at me like,
"Oh, hey, watch out, bro.

661
00:28:34,250 --> 00:28:35,583
Watch out."

662
00:28:35,666 --> 00:28:38,625
"Watch out for what?
This shit ain't contagious.

663
00:28:38,708 --> 00:28:40,041
This shit ain't COVID.

664
00:28:40,125 --> 00:28:42,875
Like, you can't catch gay,
nigga, like..."

665
00:28:42,958 --> 00:28:46,458
You acting like I hang out with
my gay friends and I catch gay

666
00:28:46,541 --> 00:28:48,625
and I show up the next day
and I'm just coughing up dick.

667
00:28:48,708 --> 00:28:50,666
"Hey, Marlon, how you doing?"

668
00:28:56,875 --> 00:28:58,833
"I don't feel so good!"

669
00:28:58,916 --> 00:29:00,291
"What happened to you?"

670
00:29:00,375 --> 00:29:02,583
"Oh, I hung out with Aubrey,
and he sneezed on me,

671
00:29:02,666 --> 00:29:05,333
and I just been coughing up dick
all day!"

672
00:29:05,416 --> 00:29:08,333
[ Sneezes ]
"Oh, I keep this up,

673
00:29:08,416 --> 00:29:11,125
I think I'm gonna have
to call in dick to work.

674
00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:12,333
This getting crazy."

675
00:29:12,416 --> 00:29:13,541
No, can't catch gay.

676
00:29:13,625 --> 00:29:15,833
And I'm glad I got
my gay friends.

677
00:29:15,916 --> 00:29:17,333
'Cause that's who
I consulted with

678
00:29:17,416 --> 00:29:19,166
when it was time for me
to figure out my daughter.

679
00:29:19,250 --> 00:29:21,291
I sat my gay buddy down,
I said, "Hey, bro,"

680
00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:23,500
I said, "Let me ask you
ask you a question."

681
00:29:23,583 --> 00:29:25,500
I said, "When did you know
you were gay?"

682
00:29:25,583 --> 00:29:29,541
He looked at me, he said,
[Effeminate voice] "Well..."

683
00:29:29,625 --> 00:29:30,708
[ Normal voice ]
He -- he did.

684
00:29:30,791 --> 00:29:32,000
He got -- he got noodley on me.

685
00:29:32,083 --> 00:29:34,500
He said, [Effeminate voice]
"Well..."

686
00:29:34,583 --> 00:29:37,166
[ Normal voice ]
And he made this little noise.

687
00:29:37,250 --> 00:29:38,500
He went [clicks tongue]

688
00:29:38,583 --> 00:29:40,666
I said, "What the fuck?

689
00:29:40,750 --> 00:29:42,333
What was that noise?

690
00:29:42,416 --> 00:29:44,916
You just pull off an imaginary
penis to answer my question?"

691
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:46,333
[ Laughs ]

692
00:29:46,416 --> 00:29:47,666
You know, me and my friend,
we continued to talk.

693
00:29:47,750 --> 00:29:48,958
He asked,
"What are you gonna do?"

694
00:29:49,041 --> 00:29:50,708
And I said,
"I'm gonna accept her."

695
00:29:50,791 --> 00:29:52,666
And he said, "That's
the only thing you can do.

696
00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:54,583
I wasn't so lucky.

697
00:29:54,666 --> 00:29:58,458
I haven't spoken to my father
since the day I came out."

698
00:29:58,541 --> 00:30:01,708
And that shit fucked me up, man.
That shit had me thinking.

699
00:30:01,791 --> 00:30:03,166
I was like, "Damn.

700
00:30:03,250 --> 00:30:05,500
What if it was
my son that was gay?"

701
00:30:05,583 --> 00:30:09,041
Like, what would that prom night
be like?

702
00:30:12,375 --> 00:30:14,500
Let's go on a little journey.

703
00:30:14,583 --> 00:30:16,250
[ Chuckles ]

704
00:30:16,333 --> 00:30:19,541
Doorbell rings.

705
00:30:19,625 --> 00:30:22,000
"Boom-boom."
I get all excited.

706
00:30:22,083 --> 00:30:23,375
Yeah, let's see
what he working with!

707
00:30:23,458 --> 00:30:24,750
[ Laughs ]

708
00:30:24,833 --> 00:30:26,666
[ Screams ]

709
00:30:26,750 --> 00:30:29,250
Unh-unh.

710
00:30:29,333 --> 00:30:31,708
What in the fuck?

711
00:30:31,791 --> 00:30:34,125
Aw.

712
00:30:34,208 --> 00:30:36,333
This nigga.

713
00:30:36,416 --> 00:30:38,583
"Shawn, come downstairs,
your dick is here.

714
00:30:38,666 --> 00:30:41,250
I mean, your date is here!

715
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,666
Yeah, there's weed
in the glove box.

716
00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:45,958
Roll me a blunt, please.
Shit, I need one.

717
00:30:46,041 --> 00:30:49,125
Uh, also, guys, I-I got you
some, uh, liquor.

718
00:30:49,208 --> 00:30:50,666
I got liquor.
I got Ciroc in there.

719
00:30:50,750 --> 00:30:52,250
Yeah, yeah, you can drink
the Ciroc.

720
00:30:52,333 --> 00:30:53,916
But also I got you
some Hennessy.

721
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:56,750
You may wanna pour the brown
liquor on your booty hole

722
00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:58,625
and just numb it up a little

723
00:30:58,708 --> 00:31:01,583
before you do
what you're gonna do."

724
00:31:01,666 --> 00:31:03,458
And I be like, "Here, here,
hey, guys, here.

725
00:31:03,541 --> 00:31:04,833
Take the Molly.
Take the Molly.

726
00:31:04,916 --> 00:31:07,583
Wait, how -- how tall are you?
6'4"?

727
00:31:07,666 --> 00:31:10,541
Oh, Goddamn, here take five.

728
00:31:10,625 --> 00:31:13,125
May be a little easier for you
to take that dick

729
00:31:13,208 --> 00:31:14,583
if you're a little bit high."

730
00:31:14,666 --> 00:31:16,250
Like...[groans]

731
00:31:16,333 --> 00:31:21,083
But then I would take a beat,
and I would think to myself

732
00:31:21,166 --> 00:31:26,125
that on the other side
of my fear is my son.

733
00:31:26,208 --> 00:31:30,125
My child that God gave me,
the boy that I raised.

734
00:31:30,208 --> 00:31:32,458
And no child deserves
to go unloved

735
00:31:32,541 --> 00:31:35,333
or unsupported
because of their sexuality.

736
00:31:35,416 --> 00:31:36,875
[ Applause ]

737
00:31:36,958 --> 00:31:38,375
This is a real issue
for fathers,

738
00:31:38,458 --> 00:31:40,041
especially
in the Black community.

739
00:31:40,125 --> 00:31:42,625
So yes, I will call
my gay son back.

740
00:31:42,708 --> 00:31:44,291
I'll be like, "Come here, nigga.
Come here. Come here.

741
00:31:44,375 --> 00:31:46,791
Just him please.
Thanks, Sasquatch."

742
00:31:48,708 --> 00:31:51,125
I'll be like, "Look,
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

743
00:31:51,208 --> 00:31:53,166
It's just that, you know,
this whole gay thing

744
00:31:53,250 --> 00:31:54,625
just crept up on me
from behind.

745
00:31:54,708 --> 00:31:56,916
Not behind like, 'Oh!'
You know what I mean?

746
00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,458
You know, it's just that,
you know,

747
00:31:58,541 --> 00:32:01,041
I'm just having a hard time
trying to swallow it.

748
00:32:01,125 --> 00:32:03,583
Not swallow it like [gagging]

749
00:32:03,666 --> 00:32:06,166
Okay, it's just that,
when you was little,

750
00:32:06,250 --> 00:32:07,958
I-I-I was like,
'Hey, I got a son,

751
00:32:08,041 --> 00:32:10,458
and we gonna play ball together!
Yay!'

752
00:32:10,541 --> 00:32:13,750
And I didn't know you wanted
to play with dudes,

753
00:32:13,833 --> 00:32:16,000
so that's kinda
fucking me up.

754
00:32:16,083 --> 00:32:17,958
But let me ask you something.

755
00:32:18,041 --> 00:32:19,666
Are you happy?

756
00:32:19,750 --> 00:32:21,458
No, are you really happy?

757
00:32:21,541 --> 00:32:24,541
And this is your life?

758
00:32:24,625 --> 00:32:27,583
Then fuck it,
I'm happy for you.

759
00:32:27,666 --> 00:32:28,916
And I accept you.

760
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,208
You're my son.
Come here, boy, I love you.

761
00:32:31,291 --> 00:32:32,541
I'm proud of you.
Come here.

762
00:32:32,625 --> 00:32:33,833
Give me a hug, come here.

763
00:32:33,916 --> 00:32:35,333
Put your arms around me.

764
00:32:35,416 --> 00:32:38,125
Stop being gay.
Put your arms around me.

765
00:32:38,208 --> 00:32:40,666
I love you, boy.
[ Smooches ]

766
00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:44,875
Alright. Go ahead, nigga,
go enjoy your prom night.

767
00:32:44,958 --> 00:32:48,291
Yeah, you look pretty
in your dress, okay?"

768
00:32:50,625 --> 00:32:51,958
Just do me a favor.

769
00:32:52,041 --> 00:32:53,250
For your dad.

770
00:32:53,333 --> 00:32:56,833
From nigga...to niggette.

771
00:33:00,125 --> 00:33:02,541
Just don't be no bitch-ass
nigga.

772
00:33:02,625 --> 00:33:04,958
You fuck that nigga
in his ass.

773
00:33:05,041 --> 00:33:06,708
Yeah! You give him
the Wayans stroke!

774
00:33:06,791 --> 00:33:08,541
Yeah, boy! Yeah!

775
00:33:08,625 --> 00:33:11,291
Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy!
Yeah!

776
00:33:11,375 --> 00:33:13,416
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

777
00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:15,208
I got a son.

778
00:33:15,291 --> 00:33:17,916
He ain't gay,
but he's an asshole.

779
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,041
I don't know what happens to
kids when they become teenagers.

780
00:33:21,125 --> 00:33:23,250
They just turn into dickheads.

781
00:33:23,333 --> 00:33:24,458
My son's a dickhead.

782
00:33:24,541 --> 00:33:26,625
Like, you know,
when he was little,

783
00:33:26,708 --> 00:33:28,250
when he was 4 years old,

784
00:33:28,333 --> 00:33:31,041
that boy worshipped the ground
I walked on.

785
00:33:31,125 --> 00:33:32,916
I couldn't go anywhere
without him

786
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,250
following me around or crying.

787
00:33:34,333 --> 00:33:36,250
I would leave the house
for one minute,

788
00:33:36,333 --> 00:33:37,583
this boy would lose his mind.

789
00:33:37,666 --> 00:33:39,500
[ Crying ]
"I want my daddy!

790
00:33:39,583 --> 00:33:42,208
I want my daddy!
I want my daddy!

791
00:33:42,291 --> 00:33:45,291
No, get off me, Mom!
I don't want you, I want Dad!"

792
00:33:45,375 --> 00:33:46,833
[ Normal voice ]
And I'd come back in the house,

793
00:33:46,916 --> 00:33:48,458
I'd be like, "Hey, son!
I'm home!"

794
00:33:48,541 --> 00:33:50,708
He'd go, "Dad!"
and he would run to me,

795
00:33:50,791 --> 00:33:53,916
and he'd grab my leg and go,
"Dad, you my best friend.

796
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:57,875
Don't ever leave again.
Don't ever leave again."

797
00:33:57,958 --> 00:34:01,791
And I'd say, "Aw, there,
there, little nigga.

798
00:34:01,875 --> 00:34:03,583
[ Chuckles ]

799
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:06,958
I just went to the store, man.
Get the fuck up off me."

800
00:34:07,041 --> 00:34:09,625
That's when my son
was 4 years old.

801
00:34:09,708 --> 00:34:13,458
My son is 18 years old now.

802
00:34:13,541 --> 00:34:15,208
Boy, does times change.

803
00:34:15,291 --> 00:34:17,666
I was gone for three
and a half months.

804
00:34:17,750 --> 00:34:19,625
Three and a half months.

805
00:34:19,708 --> 00:34:21,166
I would call my son.

806
00:34:21,250 --> 00:34:23,250
Shit go right to voicemail.

807
00:34:23,333 --> 00:34:25,041
So I text his little ass.

808
00:34:25,125 --> 00:34:28,083
He didn't text me back.
No bubbles, no nothing.

809
00:34:28,166 --> 00:34:30,791
He wasn't even attempting
to hit me back.

810
00:34:30,875 --> 00:34:33,625
So I FaceTime his ass.

811
00:34:33,708 --> 00:34:34,958
Shit said "Unavailable."

812
00:34:35,041 --> 00:34:37,333
Just a picture of me
looking stupid like...

813
00:34:39,375 --> 00:34:40,958
So I hit him on Facebook.

814
00:34:41,041 --> 00:34:43,500
You know he unfriended me?

815
00:34:43,583 --> 00:34:45,625
So I dipped into his Instagram.

816
00:34:45,708 --> 00:34:48,375
This motherfucker unfollowed me.

817
00:34:48,458 --> 00:34:52,666
But he still follows
Chaz0135.

818
00:34:52,750 --> 00:34:56,083
So now at this point, I'm like,
"What's this dude's problem?"

819
00:34:56,166 --> 00:35:00,083
And I started getting mad,
but then I started thinking,

820
00:35:00,166 --> 00:35:02,208
"Well, maybe he just misses me,

821
00:35:02,291 --> 00:35:04,208
and he don't know
how to express that."

822
00:35:04,291 --> 00:35:05,583
But you know what?

823
00:35:05,666 --> 00:35:07,500
When I come home
after three and a half months,

824
00:35:07,583 --> 00:35:10,041
he's gonna come running to me
like he did when he was little.

825
00:35:10,125 --> 00:35:13,083
He's gonna grab my leg and say,
"Dad, don't ever leave again.

826
00:35:13,166 --> 00:35:14,750
Don't ever leave again."

827
00:35:14,833 --> 00:35:17,166
And, boy, was I wrong.

828
00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:20,250
I came in the house
after three and a half months.

829
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:21,250
I was so cocky.

830
00:35:21,333 --> 00:35:22,500
I walked in, I dropped my bags,

831
00:35:22,583 --> 00:35:24,958
I said, "Son!

832
00:35:25,041 --> 00:35:26,916
Daddy's home!"

833
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,333
This jackass looked at me,
he said,

834
00:35:29,416 --> 00:35:31,958
[ Sniffs ]
"What up, nigga?"

835
00:35:33,541 --> 00:35:34,750
And then he walked away.

836
00:35:34,833 --> 00:35:36,166
I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, nigga,

837
00:35:36,250 --> 00:35:37,708
if you don't get
the fuck over here

838
00:35:37,791 --> 00:35:40,833
and give me the proper greeting,
a hug and a kiss,

839
00:35:40,916 --> 00:35:43,208
I swear to God, I will shove you
back in my dick,

840
00:35:43,291 --> 00:35:45,583
and I will shoot you
into a sock!"

841
00:35:48,458 --> 00:35:50,791
Yeah, you better consider
yourself lucky you here.

842
00:35:50,875 --> 00:35:52,916
It's 'cause of me.
It's 'cause of my shot.

843
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,000
'Cause, boy, I coulda
shot you anywhere.

844
00:35:55,083 --> 00:35:56,416
I coulda shot you on a wall,

845
00:35:56,500 --> 00:35:58,916
I coulda shot you on the
ceiling. I could reach!

846
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:00,791
I just gotta hold it
and then, bow!

847
00:36:00,875 --> 00:36:03,458
I coulda shot you in the sink,
right down the drain.

848
00:36:03,541 --> 00:36:06,208
I coulda back-handed you or shot
you in your mama's hair.

849
00:36:06,291 --> 00:36:07,708
I coulda shot you in her face,

850
00:36:07,791 --> 00:36:10,083
'cause your mama like
that type of shit, son.

851
00:36:13,500 --> 00:36:14,958
And it's not that I'm upset.

852
00:36:15,041 --> 00:36:16,791
It's that I'm hurt.

853
00:36:16,875 --> 00:36:18,375
Father's Day come.

854
00:36:18,458 --> 00:36:22,416
The one fucking day that fathers
get to be loved and appreciated.

855
00:36:22,500 --> 00:36:25,083
My daughter,
she posts a picture of me,

856
00:36:25,166 --> 00:36:27,708
she writes me
nine measly words.

857
00:36:27,791 --> 00:36:29,791
"Happy Father's Day, Dad.

858
00:36:29,875 --> 00:36:32,250
You a good dude."

859
00:36:34,916 --> 00:36:39,041
I said, "No, little gay bitch.
<i>You</i> a good dude."

860
00:36:42,166 --> 00:36:43,333
But I gotta give it to her.

861
00:36:43,416 --> 00:36:45,125
At least she gave me
some effort.

862
00:36:45,208 --> 00:36:46,833
She wrote words.

863
00:36:46,916 --> 00:36:52,083
My son, this little dickhead,
he writes me three letters.

864
00:36:52,166 --> 00:36:56,125
#HFD.

865
00:36:56,208 --> 00:36:57,958
Y'all, I was so confused,
I was like,

866
00:36:58,041 --> 00:37:00,250
"Houston Fire Department,
what the fuck?"

867
00:37:00,333 --> 00:37:02,875
[ Chuckles ]

868
00:37:02,958 --> 00:37:04,541
It took me to Christmas
to realize

869
00:37:04,625 --> 00:37:08,291
this jackass was saying
"Happy Father's Day."

870
00:37:08,375 --> 00:37:10,125
And I don't know
what I did wrong.

871
00:37:10,208 --> 00:37:12,708
'Cause when you parent,
there's no proper formula.

872
00:37:12,791 --> 00:37:17,958
But I know I left
one important ingredient out.

873
00:37:18,041 --> 00:37:19,458
I...

874
00:37:19,541 --> 00:37:22,083
didn't spank my children.

875
00:37:22,166 --> 00:37:26,166
Um, all the sisters like,
"Oh, you did what?

876
00:37:26,250 --> 00:37:27,583
Send them motherfuckers
to my house.

877
00:37:27,666 --> 00:37:29,041
I got you, boo.

878
00:37:29,125 --> 00:37:31,208
I'll beat they ass and send them
right back to you.

879
00:37:31,291 --> 00:37:33,875
No, I wo-- I'll put cocoa butter
on they little scars

880
00:37:33,958 --> 00:37:36,333
and send them
right fucking back."

881
00:37:36,416 --> 00:37:39,958
Spanking's just some shit
that we inherited from slavery.

882
00:37:40,041 --> 00:37:44,708
And all we doing is passing that
damage down to our own children.

883
00:37:44,791 --> 00:37:47,000
White folks don't do that.
They talk to their kids.

884
00:37:47,083 --> 00:37:49,416
You see little kids in
the supermarket throwing shit

885
00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:51,500
and shitting in
fucking cereal boxes and...

886
00:37:51,583 --> 00:37:53,208
[ Mock White voice ]
"Stop that, Jimmy.

887
00:37:53,291 --> 00:37:54,375
Jimmy, no, that's not nice.

888
00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:57,208
You're making me anxious,
Jimmy."

889
00:37:57,291 --> 00:37:58,875
[ Normal voice ] Nig?

890
00:37:58,958 --> 00:38:01,250
Black folks' kid grab
a cereal box,

891
00:38:01,333 --> 00:38:03,750
"I'll kill ya, nigga!
Bap bap!"

892
00:38:03,833 --> 00:38:06,041
We gotta stop that shit, y'all.

893
00:38:06,125 --> 00:38:07,500
That's some bullshit.

894
00:38:07,583 --> 00:38:09,875
And I remember the day
that I was at that crossroad

895
00:38:09,958 --> 00:38:11,875
where I was gonna spank -
where I --

896
00:38:11,958 --> 00:38:17,041
I--I chose not to spank
my son or my kids.

897
00:38:17,125 --> 00:38:19,291
So, my son was 4 years old,

898
00:38:19,375 --> 00:38:20,750
and he had one of his buddies
over at the house.

899
00:38:20,833 --> 00:38:22,083
Little badass kid.

900
00:38:22,166 --> 00:38:25,708
Little nigga, name was like
Tyrese or Tyrell.

901
00:38:25,791 --> 00:38:27,833
I think anything with
a "Ty" in it --

902
00:38:27,916 --> 00:38:31,291
Tyrese, Tyrell,
Ty-Ty, Tyrone,

903
00:38:31,375 --> 00:38:35,250
he gonna spend time in juvie
at some point in his life.

904
00:38:35,333 --> 00:38:36,875
He a bad little nigga.

905
00:38:36,958 --> 00:38:39,500
He had the cornrows, little
tattoo on his neck and shit.

906
00:38:39,583 --> 00:38:41,250
And my son, they were --
he playing --

907
00:38:41,333 --> 00:38:43,000
they were playing ball
in the house.

908
00:38:43,083 --> 00:38:44,541
Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

909
00:38:44,625 --> 00:38:47,208
And you know, my children's
mother, she got all upset.

910
00:38:47,291 --> 00:38:48,500
She started nagging.

911
00:38:48,583 --> 00:38:50,208
"Shawn, stop playing ball
in the house!"

912
00:38:50,291 --> 00:38:52,125
And you know kids, they don't
listen to their mother.

913
00:38:52,208 --> 00:38:53,375
Like, "Yeah, whatever, bitch."

914
00:38:53,458 --> 00:38:54,583
Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

915
00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:56,416
So she calls me in.

916
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:59,000
"Marlon, I told Shawn to stop
playing ball in the house

917
00:38:59,083 --> 00:39:00,416
and he ain't listening!"

918
00:39:00,500 --> 00:39:01,875
So, you know, I hit him
with the daddy voice.

919
00:39:01,958 --> 00:39:03,833
I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!"

920
00:39:03,916 --> 00:39:06,666
[ Normal voice ] Every nigga
with a father just...

921
00:39:06,750 --> 00:39:07,916
That's what my son did.

922
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:09,666
I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!

923
00:39:09,750 --> 00:39:11,500
Your mama says
stop playing ball in the house,

924
00:39:11,583 --> 00:39:13,000
you stop playing ball in the
house, you understand me?"

925
00:39:13,083 --> 00:39:15,083
[ Normal voice ]
My son said, "Okay."

926
00:39:15,166 --> 00:39:19,083
And then Tyrese, this little
fatherless motherfucker.

927
00:39:19,166 --> 00:39:22,250
I say that 'cause he was immune
to daddy voice.

928
00:39:22,333 --> 00:39:24,875
So I squeezed one of my balls
to get the ball --

929
00:39:24,958 --> 00:39:26,708
to get the voice
a little deeper.

930
00:39:26,791 --> 00:39:28,250
I said, [ Deeper voice ]
"Hey, nigga, I don't care

931
00:39:28,333 --> 00:39:29,958
if I'm your daddy or not,
you better stop playing ball

932
00:39:30,041 --> 00:39:31,583
in the Goddamn house
before I kick your little ass."

933
00:39:31,666 --> 00:39:35,083
[ Normal voice ] He said,
"Man, you ain't my daddy."

934
00:39:35,166 --> 00:39:38,125
I said, "I see why
your daddy left you,

935
00:39:38,208 --> 00:39:39,958
you little piece of shit."

936
00:39:40,041 --> 00:39:41,333
And so he's still
dribbling the ball.

937
00:39:41,416 --> 00:39:42,833
I told my son,
"Hey, you better not play.

938
00:39:42,916 --> 00:39:44,291
He can do what the fuck he want,
but you?

939
00:39:44,375 --> 00:39:45,750
You better listen to me."
My son said, "Okay."

940
00:39:45,833 --> 00:39:47,125
So Tyrese is dribbling the ball.

941
00:39:47,208 --> 00:39:49,166
Bobbity-bobbity-bobbity-bop.
Bobbity-bop.

942
00:39:49,250 --> 00:39:51,291
He crossing over.
Bobbity-bop. Bobbity-bop.

943
00:39:51,375 --> 00:39:52,916
Through the legs.
Bop-bop-bop.

944
00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:55,000
And he doing behind-the-back
drills. Bop-bop.

945
00:39:55,083 --> 00:39:57,541
He playing ball so good,
this shit looked fun.

946
00:39:57,625 --> 00:40:00,416
I want the nigga
to pass me the ball.

947
00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:03,958
So, at a point, my son
looking at Tyrese,

948
00:40:04,041 --> 00:40:08,291
and he's all impressed,
and then he look at me.

949
00:40:08,375 --> 00:40:11,500
And he'd look back at Tyrese
dribbling the ball.

950
00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:13,000
And he'd look at me.

951
00:40:13,083 --> 00:40:14,833
And he'd look at Tyrese
dribbling the ball,

952
00:40:14,916 --> 00:40:18,083
and he'd look at Tyrese,
he'd go, "Hey, Tyrese!

953
00:40:18,166 --> 00:40:19,500
Pass me the ball!"

954
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:23,333
Man, I got so mad,
I forgot my son was my son.

955
00:40:23,416 --> 00:40:25,416
Matter of fact, I forgot
he was a kid, period.

956
00:40:25,500 --> 00:40:27,500
I talked to him like
he was a grown-ass man.

957
00:40:27,583 --> 00:40:29,916
I said, "Man, are you out
your motherfucking mind!

958
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:32,166
You know who the fuck I am,
nigga?

959
00:40:32,250 --> 00:40:33,541
You don't know me, nigga!

960
00:40:33,625 --> 00:40:36,541
Oh, fuck, I'll fuck you up, boy!
I'll fuck you up!

961
00:40:36,625 --> 00:40:38,416
You don't know me!
You don't know me, nigga!

962
00:40:38,500 --> 00:40:40,833
My mama don't know me,
and I came out of her.

963
00:40:40,916 --> 00:40:42,333
You know who you fucking with?

964
00:40:42,416 --> 00:40:44,208
I'll fucking chuck
your little ass!"

965
00:40:44,291 --> 00:40:45,500
And his mother ran to him,
she said,

966
00:40:45,583 --> 00:40:47,000
"Marlon, what you doing?"

967
00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:50,208
I said, "Bitch,
this your fault!"

968
00:40:50,291 --> 00:40:52,000
She said, "Put him down."
So I put his little ass down.

969
00:40:52,083 --> 00:40:54,583
She said, "What's wrong with
you?" I said, "I don't know!"

970
00:40:54,666 --> 00:40:56,250
So she grabbed me,
brought me to the bathroom.

971
00:40:56,333 --> 00:40:58,916
And I came out the door, said,
"I'ma fuck you up, Shawn!

972
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,416
And Tyrese,
I'm fucking you up, too!"

973
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:03,291
And that's when Tyrese
pulled out his knife,

974
00:41:03,375 --> 00:41:05,083
he said,
"Yeah, nigga, come on with it.

975
00:41:05,166 --> 00:41:07,250
Come on with it."

976
00:41:07,333 --> 00:41:10,125
So Angela grabs me
into the bathroom.

977
00:41:10,208 --> 00:41:13,125
And at this point, I'm fucking
crying and I'm shaking.

978
00:41:13,208 --> 00:41:15,041
And she's like,
"What's wrong with you?"

979
00:41:15,125 --> 00:41:16,833
I was like,
"I don't fucking know!"

980
00:41:16,916 --> 00:41:19,583
And I look in the mirror.

981
00:41:19,666 --> 00:41:24,083
And then my face morphs to me
as a little boy.

982
00:41:25,750 --> 00:41:29,208
And I started thinking about
all the ass-whoopings

983
00:41:29,291 --> 00:41:30,875
that my father gave me.

984
00:41:30,958 --> 00:41:35,125
And I started thinking about how
much those ass-whoopings hurt.

985
00:41:35,208 --> 00:41:40,125
Not just my heart, but my ass.

986
00:41:40,208 --> 00:41:43,500
And I started thinking that
every time my father hit me,

987
00:41:43,583 --> 00:41:47,833
it only made me
further away from him.

988
00:41:47,916 --> 00:41:49,583
It made me distant
from my father.

989
00:41:49,666 --> 00:41:54,250
I love my father now as a man,
but as a kid, I didn't love him.

990
00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:55,708
I feared him.

991
00:41:55,791 --> 00:41:58,250
Every time my father
called my name -- "Marlon!"

992
00:41:58,333 --> 00:42:01,750
Yo, my heart would beat fast,
I'd piss my leg a little bit.

993
00:42:01,833 --> 00:42:05,333
My leg would get itchy,
my ass would get small.

994
00:42:05,416 --> 00:42:07,875
My booty hole get nervous.
Booty hole be looking over.

995
00:42:07,958 --> 00:42:10,041
[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now.

996
00:42:10,125 --> 00:42:12,250
[ Normal voice ]
And it got to the point

997
00:42:12,333 --> 00:42:14,250
where sometimes it wasn't even
for a spanking.

998
00:42:14,333 --> 00:42:15,333
For good shit, I'd get scared!

999
00:42:15,416 --> 00:42:17,166
"Marlon!" Ha!
[ Sobs ]

1000
00:42:17,250 --> 00:42:19,000
"Here, take this,
go get some ice cream."

1001
00:42:19,083 --> 00:42:21,750
"Oh, my God, what kind
of fucking mind trick is this?"

1002
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:25,875
Because what parents
don't realize,

1003
00:42:25,958 --> 00:42:29,041
especially a father,
you are your child's superhero.

1004
00:42:29,125 --> 00:42:33,583
So every time you hit your kid,
it's like Spider-Man made a web

1005
00:42:33,666 --> 00:42:36,958
that was a belt
and whooped his little ass.

1006
00:42:37,041 --> 00:42:38,166
Like Superman took off his cape

1007
00:42:38,250 --> 00:42:39,750
and made one of them
little towels

1008
00:42:39,833 --> 00:42:41,916
that you hit niggas in the ass
in the locker room.

1009
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:43,625
Sh-pap!
Sh-pap!

1010
00:42:43,708 --> 00:42:45,458
That's what it feels like!

1011
00:42:45,541 --> 00:42:47,875
And so I chose
not to hit my son.

1012
00:42:47,958 --> 00:42:49,708
Instead, I sent him to bed.
I said, "Go to bed!

1013
00:42:49,791 --> 00:42:52,125
And don't eat!

1014
00:42:52,208 --> 00:42:55,916
Ever! Nigga, you better
not ever eat again!"

1015
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,958
So 4:00 in the morning,
I woke his little ass up.

1016
00:42:59,041 --> 00:43:00,416
I said, "Shawn!"

1017
00:43:00,500 --> 00:43:02,333
He got up all scared.
I could hear his heartbeat.

1018
00:43:02,416 --> 00:43:03,708
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

1019
00:43:03,791 --> 00:43:06,333
I could see a little pee
dribbling down his leg.

1020
00:43:06,416 --> 00:43:07,750
His little ass got tight.

1021
00:43:07,833 --> 00:43:09,500
His little booty hole
started talking to me.

1022
00:43:09,583 --> 00:43:11,500
[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now!

1023
00:43:11,583 --> 00:43:13,500
[ Normal voice ] And my boy
started crying, he said,

1024
00:43:13,583 --> 00:43:15,500
"You gonna spank me?
You just gonna spank me, Dad?

1025
00:43:15,583 --> 00:43:18,041
You gonna spank me?
I don't care, you can spank me!

1026
00:43:18,125 --> 00:43:19,375
I don't care!
You can spank me!"

1027
00:43:19,458 --> 00:43:20,916
I said,
"I ain't gonna spank you."

1028
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:23,833
Said, "I'ma talk to you."
And I sat him down.

1029
00:43:23,916 --> 00:43:25,458
I said, "Let me tell you
something.

1030
00:43:25,541 --> 00:43:26,708
What you did yesterday..."

1031
00:43:26,791 --> 00:43:29,833
I said, "You hurt my feelings."

1032
00:43:29,916 --> 00:43:33,166
And my son started crying,
he said, "Oh, God, Dad.

1033
00:43:33,250 --> 00:43:35,708
Don't say that.

1034
00:43:35,791 --> 00:43:38,333
I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings, Dad."

1035
00:43:38,416 --> 00:43:40,000
I said, "You broke the trust."

1036
00:43:40,083 --> 00:43:42,416
He said, "Oh, God, no!

1037
00:43:42,500 --> 00:43:45,333
Say it ain't so!
Say it ain't so!

1038
00:43:45,416 --> 00:43:48,458
[ Sobs ] I didn't mean
to break the trust, Dad.

1039
00:43:48,541 --> 00:43:50,083
Not the trust!

1040
00:43:50,166 --> 00:43:51,875
What's trust?

1041
00:43:51,958 --> 00:43:53,541
How much is it?

1042
00:43:53,625 --> 00:43:56,125
Can Mom buy some more trust
on Amazon?"

1043
00:43:57,791 --> 00:44:00,208
I said, "You disappointed me."

1044
00:44:00,291 --> 00:44:03,166
He said,
"Oh, Dad, I didn't mean

1045
00:44:03,250 --> 00:44:06,875
[sobs] to ussapoint...you!"

1046
00:44:06,958 --> 00:44:10,041
And I said to myself, "Oh, shit.

1047
00:44:10,125 --> 00:44:13,416
White power words work!"

1048
00:44:13,500 --> 00:44:16,125
So I started hitting him with
all kind of White power words.

1049
00:44:16,208 --> 00:44:17,708
I said,
"Yes, and furthermore!"

1050
00:44:17,791 --> 00:44:19,583
"No, Dad, don't go no further!"

1051
00:44:19,666 --> 00:44:21,833
"I -- I -- I'm appalled."

1052
00:44:21,916 --> 00:44:23,375
No, Dad, don't call Paul!"

1053
00:44:23,458 --> 00:44:25,833
"And I'm exacerbated
by your action!"

1054
00:44:25,916 --> 00:44:29,208
"Oh, Dad, don't masturbate
on the actions!"

1055
00:44:30,458 --> 00:44:32,791
I said, "So why would you
listen to Tyrese over me?"

1056
00:44:32,875 --> 00:44:34,083
He said, "I don't know, Dad."

1057
00:44:34,166 --> 00:44:36,583
He said, "Shit,
'cause I was scared, Dad!

1058
00:44:36,666 --> 00:44:38,916
I was scared!"
I said, "Why? Of what?"

1059
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:41,125
He says, "Of Tyrese."
I said, "Why?"

1060
00:44:41,208 --> 00:44:42,625
He said, "Dad,

1061
00:44:42,708 --> 00:44:46,291
he got a outie belly button!"

1062
00:44:46,375 --> 00:44:48,875
[ Laughter ]

1063
00:44:50,541 --> 00:44:52,291
And you know what's funny, man?

1064
00:44:52,375 --> 00:44:56,875
Is I wanna blame my kids
for our relationship,

1065
00:44:56,958 --> 00:45:00,083
but that would be wrong of me,
and that'd be immature.

1066
00:45:00,166 --> 00:45:02,291
As a man, I gotta blame myself.

1067
00:45:02,375 --> 00:45:03,958
I fucked up.

1068
00:45:04,041 --> 00:45:06,458
Somewhere along the line,
I fucked up.

1069
00:45:06,541 --> 00:45:08,833
And I've been trying to trace
my steps, like, "What did I do?

1070
00:45:08,916 --> 00:45:10,458
Did I spoil them?

1071
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,875
I knew I shouldn't have never
told them niggas I had money.

1072
00:45:12,958 --> 00:45:14,833
I should have raised them
in the projects.

1073
00:45:14,916 --> 00:45:17,208
They need more government cheese
in their life."

1074
00:45:17,291 --> 00:45:19,125
[ Chuckles ]

1075
00:45:19,208 --> 00:45:22,708
Or was it because I got caught
cheating on their mother

1076
00:45:22,791 --> 00:45:25,708
on a boat in St. Bart's?

1077
00:45:25,791 --> 00:45:29,333
I don't think that's it.
I think it was...

1078
00:45:29,416 --> 00:45:32,458
spoiling them,
I definitely think.

1079
00:45:32,541 --> 00:45:34,875
I fucked up, man.
I did.

1080
00:45:34,958 --> 00:45:37,916
And I'll tell y'all a story.
Fuck it, you know?

1081
00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,750
What had happened was...
[ Laughs ]

1082
00:45:40,833 --> 00:45:42,583
That's how you know it was bad,
when you,

1083
00:45:42,666 --> 00:45:43,916
"Well, what had happened was..."

1084
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,083
Alright, uh, shit.

1085
00:45:46,166 --> 00:45:47,500
Alright. Real talk.

1086
00:45:47,583 --> 00:45:49,291
Alright, so years back,

1087
00:45:49,375 --> 00:45:51,166
I did a movie called
"A Haunted House."

1088
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:53,833
And, yeah, it was
really successful.

1089
00:45:53,916 --> 00:45:56,000
Like this shit, I made it
for a million dollars.

1090
00:45:56,083 --> 00:45:57,958
It made like $100 million
dollars worldwide.

1091
00:45:58,041 --> 00:46:00,083
I made so much money,
I felt like Jay-Z.

1092
00:46:00,166 --> 00:46:02,708
I was like, "Yo,
I'm going somewhere hot

1093
00:46:02,791 --> 00:46:05,708
where there's no mosquitos!
Yeah!"

1094
00:46:05,791 --> 00:46:07,666
I was like, "Yo, I'm going
to St. Bart's.

1095
00:46:07,750 --> 00:46:10,125
I'ma rent a yacht!"
But see, Jay-Z is so smart,

1096
00:46:10,208 --> 00:46:12,250
I see why this nigga's
a billionaire.

1097
00:46:12,333 --> 00:46:17,375
'Cause Jay-Z, he brings
Beyoncé and them babies

1098
00:46:17,458 --> 00:46:19,375
to St. Bart's with him.

1099
00:46:19,458 --> 00:46:21,083
Yeah, see, me, I fucked up.

1100
00:46:21,166 --> 00:46:22,916
I brought a nigga named Steve.

1101
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:24,208
I'm out in St. Bart's, right?

1102
00:46:24,291 --> 00:46:25,791
And I'm in the middle
of the ocean.

1103
00:46:25,875 --> 00:46:27,500
I don't even know how paparazzi
got my picture.

1104
00:46:27,583 --> 00:46:29,291
We was in the middle
of the fucking ocean

1105
00:46:29,375 --> 00:46:30,500
with some girls on the boat.

1106
00:46:30,583 --> 00:46:32,541
And I swear,
paparazzi is sneaky.

1107
00:46:32,625 --> 00:46:35,208
I was like,
"Where the fuck were they?"

1108
00:46:35,291 --> 00:46:37,250
Were they in a fucking
dolphin,

1109
00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:38,916
just...[ Imitating dolphin ]

1110
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,208
[ Imitating
camera shutter clicking ]

1111
00:46:41,291 --> 00:46:42,708
I didn't know where they was!

1112
00:46:42,791 --> 00:46:45,000
And so, I didn't know
until I got back to my hotel.

1113
00:46:45,083 --> 00:46:47,375
I get back to my hotel,
I'm feeling myself,

1114
00:46:47,458 --> 00:46:50,041
got my shirt off,
got the Coppertone tan.

1115
00:46:50,125 --> 00:46:51,458
I'm like, "Yeah,
we did that, Steve!

1116
00:46:51,541 --> 00:46:52,708
Yeah, we did that."

1117
00:46:52,791 --> 00:46:54,125
And then my phone buzzed.

1118
00:46:54,208 --> 00:46:56,875
[ Makes buzzing sound ]

1119
00:46:56,958 --> 00:46:59,166
What the fuck is that?

1120
00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:01,291
So I picked up the phone,

1121
00:47:01,375 --> 00:47:02,750
and see,
I put Google alerts on myself,

1122
00:47:02,833 --> 00:47:04,541
'cause as y'all see
from this set,

1123
00:47:04,625 --> 00:47:05,791
I say a lot of stupid shit,

1124
00:47:05,875 --> 00:47:07,375
so I need to know
the stupid shit I say,

1125
00:47:07,458 --> 00:47:08,666
so I can call my publicist,

1126
00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:10,375
so she can put the stupid shit
I say,

1127
00:47:10,458 --> 00:47:12,791
and say it was a lie,
when it probably was the truth.

1128
00:47:12,875 --> 00:47:14,541
[ Laughs ]

1129
00:47:14,625 --> 00:47:16,125
I pick it up.

1130
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:18,000
"Paris Mail."

1131
00:47:18,083 --> 00:47:19,583
[ French accent ]
"Marlon Wayans caught

1132
00:47:19,666 --> 00:47:22,125
on the boat kissing
the beautiful mademoiselle,

1133
00:47:22,208 --> 00:47:26,416
or was this a mistress
in St. Bart's?

1134
00:47:26,500 --> 00:47:29,000
Uh-oh!"

1135
00:47:29,083 --> 00:47:30,583
[ Normal voice ]
I put that phone down.

1136
00:47:30,666 --> 00:47:32,541
I was like, "Oh, fuck! Fuck!"
I was like, "Shit!"

1137
00:47:32,625 --> 00:47:35,125
I was like, "Okay, Angie
don't know shit about France.

1138
00:47:35,208 --> 00:47:37,250
Okay, she don't know shit
about French at all.

1139
00:47:37,333 --> 00:47:39,916
She calls Gucci 'Gucky.'
She don't know shit!

1140
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,833
She still think I bought her
a 'Channel' bag for Christmas.

1141
00:47:43,916 --> 00:47:45,166
Alright, so maybe I'll go

1142
00:47:45,250 --> 00:47:46,958
by the Louis 'Vootton' store
and buy her a bag

1143
00:47:47,041 --> 00:47:49,750
just in case she does find out."

1144
00:47:49,833 --> 00:47:51,250
But I was like,
"Alright, relax, relax.

1145
00:47:51,333 --> 00:47:53,083
She don't know no publications
out the country.

1146
00:47:53,166 --> 00:47:54,375
That's some White shit."

1147
00:47:54,458 --> 00:47:55,625
So I put my phone down.

1148
00:47:55,708 --> 00:47:56,750
Motherfucker buzzed again.

1149
00:47:56,833 --> 00:48:00,375
[ Makes buzzing noise ]

1150
00:48:00,458 --> 00:48:02,083
I pick it up.

1151
00:48:02,166 --> 00:48:03,791
Nigga.

1152
00:48:03,875 --> 00:48:05,458
"Bossip."

1153
00:48:05,541 --> 00:48:06,875
"Media Take Out."

1154
00:48:06,958 --> 00:48:08,125
"Shade Room."

1155
00:48:08,208 --> 00:48:09,666
"Essence" magazine.

1156
00:48:09,750 --> 00:48:11,208
"Ebony" magazine.

1157
00:48:11,291 --> 00:48:13,500
Everybody had the same title.

1158
00:48:13,583 --> 00:48:17,666
"Marlon Wayans caught on boat
in St. Bart's,

1159
00:48:17,750 --> 00:48:23,125
cheating on his children's
mother with a White bitch!"

1160
00:48:23,208 --> 00:48:25,958
[ Chuckles ] And I don't know
if y'all know Black culture,

1161
00:48:26,041 --> 00:48:28,166
but look, it's one thing
to fuck a-- fuck around,

1162
00:48:28,250 --> 00:48:29,791
but you fuck around
with White girls,

1163
00:48:29,875 --> 00:48:31,583
sisters don't like
that shit too much.

1164
00:48:31,666 --> 00:48:33,083
That's why we be lying.

1165
00:48:33,166 --> 00:48:35,125
Niggas be like, "Oh, she
wasn't -- she wasn't White.

1166
00:48:35,208 --> 00:48:37,458
She was mixed.

1167
00:48:37,541 --> 00:48:40,458
Yeah, she was Swedish
and Irish and German,

1168
00:48:40,541 --> 00:48:43,583
but she wasn't White,
you know what I mean?"

1169
00:48:43,666 --> 00:48:45,416
And sisters, you should have
seen the articles.

1170
00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:47,000
They was lighting me up.
They was like,

1171
00:48:47,083 --> 00:48:48,708
"I can't believe
this funny-looking nigga

1172
00:48:48,791 --> 00:48:50,333
had the nerve to cheat.

1173
00:48:50,416 --> 00:48:52,875
I could see if it was Shawn,
but not this bird-looking nigga.

1174
00:48:52,958 --> 00:48:56,291
He look like a ostrich
that fell in some fucking oil.

1175
00:48:56,375 --> 00:48:59,416
I can see if it was Damon,
at least he's funny.

1176
00:48:59,500 --> 00:49:01,250
I wanna sit on his
smushed-up face.

1177
00:49:01,333 --> 00:49:04,333
But Marlon?
He got some fucking nerve.

1178
00:49:04,416 --> 00:49:06,666
Him and Nick Cannon
need to go crawl

1179
00:49:06,750 --> 00:49:08,416
under the same rock and die."

1180
00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:10,291
I was like, "Oh, shit!"

1181
00:49:10,375 --> 00:49:12,166
They're like,
"I can't believe he got caught

1182
00:49:12,250 --> 00:49:14,041
cheating with a White bitch,"
and I'm like,

1183
00:49:14,125 --> 00:49:15,500
"Okay, sisters,
if she was Black,

1184
00:49:15,583 --> 00:49:17,125
would y'all
be happier about that?"

1185
00:49:17,208 --> 00:49:19,291
Like you pick up the thing
and you see,

1186
00:49:19,375 --> 00:49:20,583
"Oh, my God, I can't believe

1187
00:49:20,666 --> 00:49:22,375
Marlon Wayans got caught
cheating.

1188
00:49:22,458 --> 00:49:25,708
[ Gasps ] With a Black bitch!

1189
00:49:25,791 --> 00:49:27,708
That's why I fucks with Marlon.

1190
00:49:27,791 --> 00:49:29,541
I always like Marlon the best!

1191
00:49:29,625 --> 00:49:31,708
I did.
He got big dick swag."

1192
00:49:31,791 --> 00:49:34,833
And so now,
I start getting the phone calls.

1193
00:49:34,916 --> 00:49:36,875
Paparazzi took so many pictures
of me,

1194
00:49:36,958 --> 00:49:39,916
my brothers find out shit
about me they didn't know I did.

1195
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,125
Phone rings. Keenen.

1196
00:49:42,208 --> 00:49:44,083
[ As Keenen ]
"Now, what's up, little boy?

1197
00:49:44,166 --> 00:49:45,458
How you doing?

1198
00:49:45,541 --> 00:49:48,416
Mm, looks like
you're having a bad day.

1199
00:49:48,500 --> 00:49:52,333
And when did you learn
how to scuba dive?"

1200
00:49:52,416 --> 00:49:54,041
[ Normal voice ]
Hang up on him. Shawn.

1201
00:49:54,125 --> 00:49:56,250
[ As Shawn ] "Hey, stupid!
What are you doing, stupid?

1202
00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:58,041
What are you doing
in the fucking ocean?

1203
00:49:58,125 --> 00:49:59,541
You fucking drowned in a bathtub

1204
00:49:59,625 --> 00:50:01,583
when we was fucking 8 years old,
you fucking stupid.

1205
00:50:01,666 --> 00:50:03,041
When did you learn
how to Jet Ski?

1206
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:04,666
You crashed your fucking
Big Wheel three times.

1207
00:50:04,750 --> 00:50:06,125
Why would you get a fucking
Jet Ski, stupid?"

1208
00:50:06,208 --> 00:50:08,083
[ Normal voice ]
He hangs up the phone. Damon.

1209
00:50:08,166 --> 00:50:10,125
[ As Damon ] "Hey, ugly,
how you doing?

1210
00:50:10,208 --> 00:50:12,583
Mm.

1211
00:50:12,666 --> 00:50:16,083
I'm doing better than you,
that's for sure.

1212
00:50:16,166 --> 00:50:17,750
Hey, let me ask you something.

1213
00:50:17,833 --> 00:50:19,458
When did you learn
how to snorkel?

1214
00:50:19,541 --> 00:50:21,125
Mm-mm-mm."

1215
00:50:21,208 --> 00:50:23,125
[ Normal voice ]
So then my children's mother.

1216
00:50:23,208 --> 00:50:24,916
[ As Angie's ]
"You stupid motherfucker.

1217
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:26,750
I can't believe
you got caught cheating!

1218
00:50:26,833 --> 00:50:28,333
Can't you be more discreet?"

1219
00:50:28,416 --> 00:50:29,750
[ Normal voice ]
I said, "Baby,

1220
00:50:29,833 --> 00:50:33,083
I was in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean,

1221
00:50:33,166 --> 00:50:34,541
8,500 miles away.

1222
00:50:34,625 --> 00:50:37,083
You gotta know the latitude
and longitude of my dick

1223
00:50:37,166 --> 00:50:38,250
to catch me."

1224
00:50:38,333 --> 00:50:40,291
"Well, they caught
your stupid ass.

1225
00:50:40,375 --> 00:50:42,083
And look at you
looking all stupid."

1226
00:50:42,166 --> 00:50:43,500
Women are funny.

1227
00:50:43,583 --> 00:50:45,791
'Cause it wasn't the kiss
that she was mad about.

1228
00:50:45,875 --> 00:50:47,291
She found the little shit.

1229
00:50:47,375 --> 00:50:49,125
I said, "I know, I can't believe
I was sitting there

1230
00:50:49,208 --> 00:50:51,125
kissing that girl, I'm so --
I know it's so embarrassing."

1231
00:50:51,208 --> 00:50:53,208
She said, "I don't give a fuck
about that little, pasty,

1232
00:50:53,291 --> 00:50:55,333
little bitch with her little,
thin-ass bologna lips,

1233
00:50:55,416 --> 00:50:56,958
that scraggly-looking bitch.

1234
00:50:57,041 --> 00:50:59,208
Look at your stupid foot.
Look at your stupid little foot.

1235
00:50:59,291 --> 00:51:01,500
Look at that shit
all pigeon-toed,

1236
00:51:01,583 --> 00:51:04,291
bird foot motherfucker,
looking like a old son --

1237
00:51:04,375 --> 00:51:06,541
a fucking parrot
twisted his ankle.

1238
00:51:06,625 --> 00:51:08,666
Look how stupid your fucking
foot look up in the air,

1239
00:51:08,750 --> 00:51:10,083
looking all stupid."

1240
00:51:10,166 --> 00:51:11,833
[ Chuckles ]

1241
00:51:11,916 --> 00:51:14,500
She had me looking like,
"Oh, shit, I am pigeon-toed.

1242
00:51:14,583 --> 00:51:15,875
Ain't that a bitch."

1243
00:51:15,958 --> 00:51:17,458
And she goes, "I can't believe
you got caught

1244
00:51:17,541 --> 00:51:19,375
cheating with a White bitch!"

1245
00:51:19,458 --> 00:51:22,458
I said, "Ang, she wasn't White.
She was mixed.

1246
00:51:22,541 --> 00:51:24,916
She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

1247
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,458
and -- and I think she might
have had been a little bit Nazi,

1248
00:51:27,541 --> 00:51:29,500
but she wasn't White,
like, you're tripping."

1249
00:51:29,583 --> 00:51:31,000
She hangs up the phone.

1250
00:51:31,083 --> 00:51:33,791
Then my buddy Steve,
he comes to the rescue.

1251
00:51:33,875 --> 00:51:36,458
[ As Steve ]
"Marlon, listen.

1252
00:51:36,541 --> 00:51:39,541
[ Scoffs ]
All she got was pictures.

1253
00:51:39,625 --> 00:51:43,375
Pictures are worth
a thousand words.

1254
00:51:43,458 --> 00:51:45,625
All you have to do
is corroborate a story.

1255
00:51:45,708 --> 00:51:48,000
We don't know what happened
in that picture.

1256
00:51:48,083 --> 00:51:50,291
So here's the story
we're gonna tell.

1257
00:51:50,375 --> 00:51:51,666
We went in the middle
of the ocean,

1258
00:51:51,750 --> 00:51:54,083
and -- and -- and we went
in a yacht,

1259
00:51:54,166 --> 00:51:55,875
and we saw some mermaids."

1260
00:51:57,416 --> 00:51:59,250
"And the mermaids was drowning.

1261
00:51:59,333 --> 00:52:01,000
Bloop-bloop-bloop.
Bloop-bloop-bloop.

1262
00:52:01,083 --> 00:52:03,750
And you, being the good
Samaritan that you are,

1263
00:52:03,833 --> 00:52:06,041
you jumped overboard,
being a hero.

1264
00:52:06,125 --> 00:52:07,916
You grabbed the mermaid
to safety,

1265
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,375
and you brought her on board.

1266
00:52:09,458 --> 00:52:12,541
And you wasn't kissing her!
No. No, no, no.

1267
00:52:12,625 --> 00:52:16,375
You was giving her
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

1268
00:52:18,291 --> 00:52:20,208
[ Normal voice ] I said, "Nigga,
if you don't get the fuck away

1269
00:52:20,291 --> 00:52:21,458
from me, I swear to God,

1270
00:52:21,541 --> 00:52:23,458
I will wrap this anchor
around your neck

1271
00:52:23,541 --> 00:52:25,958
and put you in the bottom
of this fucking ocean,

1272
00:52:26,041 --> 00:52:27,708
so help me God."

1273
00:52:27,791 --> 00:52:31,833
So now, I gotta go home,
and I gotta face the music.

1274
00:52:31,916 --> 00:52:36,208
And see, that day was
the worst day of my life.

1275
00:52:36,291 --> 00:52:39,208
That's some shit that I'm
gonna regret till my dying day.

1276
00:52:39,291 --> 00:52:40,375
I'm gonna be in the coffin.

1277
00:52:40,458 --> 00:52:41,708
They gonna close the lid,
I'm like,

1278
00:52:41,791 --> 00:52:44,708
"I'm sorry about the boat!"

1279
00:52:44,791 --> 00:52:48,000
Because it's one thing to break
your woman's heart.

1280
00:52:48,083 --> 00:52:51,708
It's another thing
to break your kid's heart.

1281
00:52:51,791 --> 00:52:53,333
And I remember,
I went to her house.

1282
00:52:53,416 --> 00:52:56,166
I stop at my house,
and I grab my Bible.

1283
00:52:56,250 --> 00:52:59,916
Yeah, 'cause it's really hard
to throw hot grits

1284
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:01,916
on a nigga holding a Bible.

1285
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:05,000
And I walk up to the door,
and I knock on the door.

1286
00:53:05,083 --> 00:53:08,333
And she sees me
holding the Bible, I said,

1287
00:53:08,416 --> 00:53:10,125
"Bible study, my sister."

1288
00:53:10,208 --> 00:53:13,708
And she starts to laugh,
because, you know, I...

1289
00:53:13,791 --> 00:53:15,708
That's the thing
that she fell in love with.

1290
00:53:15,791 --> 00:53:17,416
The fact that I have humor.

1291
00:53:17,500 --> 00:53:19,750
I ain't cute,
so it's definitely the humor.

1292
00:53:19,833 --> 00:53:21,541
And she was like,
"Don't make me laugh.

1293
00:53:21,625 --> 00:53:23,625
Don't -- I fucking hate you.
Don't make me --

1294
00:53:23,708 --> 00:53:24,916
Is that really a Bibl--

1295
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:26,250
Fuck it, I hate you.

1296
00:53:26,333 --> 00:53:27,958
Don't make me laugh!"
And she hit me.

1297
00:53:28,041 --> 00:53:30,666
I said, "Um, sister, it says
'Thou shalt not kill.'"

1298
00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:33,083
And she said,
"Yeah, and it also says,

1299
00:53:33,166 --> 00:53:36,125
'Thou shalt not fuck
White bitches in St. Bart's.'"

1300
00:53:36,208 --> 00:53:38,625
I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed."

1301
00:53:38,708 --> 00:53:40,000
[ Laughs ]

1302
00:53:40,083 --> 00:53:41,583
And she's like,
"Get your ass in there."

1303
00:53:41,666 --> 00:53:43,083
And then [chuckles]
she goes, "Go ahead.

1304
00:53:43,166 --> 00:53:44,708
Talk to your kids."

1305
00:53:44,791 --> 00:53:46,291
I said, "Talk to the kids?"
"Yeah, tell them what you did."

1306
00:53:46,375 --> 00:53:47,875
"Tell them what you did?"
Fuck it.

1307
00:53:47,958 --> 00:53:49,958
You got a page out the book
"The Mack"? What the fuck?

1308
00:53:50,041 --> 00:53:53,000
Stick yourself, Tony.
Stick yourself.

1309
00:53:53,083 --> 00:53:54,500
So she said, "No, talk to them."

1310
00:53:54,583 --> 00:53:56,333
I look at the table, and my kids
are sitting at the table.

1311
00:53:56,416 --> 00:53:59,083
My son, he looked like --
He's so sad,

1312
00:53:59,166 --> 00:54:01,625
he looks like
his pet turtle died.

1313
00:54:01,708 --> 00:54:04,208
And my daughter, she's sitting
there holding

1314
00:54:04,291 --> 00:54:06,625
her little naked dollies,
just [humming]

1315
00:54:06,708 --> 00:54:08,416
I said,
"Hey, kids, how you doing?

1316
00:54:08,500 --> 00:54:12,375
Um, remember when Daddy
said he wasn't perfect?

1317
00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,500
Well, there's something
on the Internet

1318
00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:16,833
that proves that theory,
so whatever you do,

1319
00:54:16,916 --> 00:54:18,083
don't Google my name."

1320
00:54:18,166 --> 00:54:19,583
My daughter said,
"Too late, Dad. Hmm.

1321
00:54:19,666 --> 00:54:21,708
Can't believe you got
caught cheating on Mom.

1322
00:54:21,791 --> 00:54:23,666
[ Chuckles ]
With a White bitch."

1323
00:54:23,750 --> 00:54:25,916
I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed!

1324
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:27,750
She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

1325
00:54:27,833 --> 00:54:29,666
and a little bit Aryan,
but I don't --

1326
00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:31,041
I don't think she was White."

1327
00:54:31,125 --> 00:54:32,875
And she goes, "Don't worry, Dad.
I accept you."

1328
00:54:32,958 --> 00:54:34,375
I said, "You do?"
I said, "You forgive me?"

1329
00:54:34,458 --> 00:54:36,666
She goes, "Yeah, I forgive you.
And I accept you.

1330
00:54:36,750 --> 00:54:39,083
But, you know, there's
gonna be some things

1331
00:54:39,166 --> 00:54:41,666
you're gonna have to accept
about me, too,

1332
00:54:41,750 --> 00:54:42,958
later on in life."

1333
00:54:43,041 --> 00:54:45,000
And she took her two
little white dollies

1334
00:54:45,083 --> 00:54:46,708
and put they pussies together.

1335
00:54:46,791 --> 00:54:48,750
And I was like, "Okay."

1336
00:54:48,833 --> 00:54:49,875
And so, I said to my son,

1337
00:54:49,958 --> 00:54:51,291
I said,
"Son, do you forgive me?"

1338
00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:54,666
He said,
"Yeah, I forgive you, Dad.

1339
00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:57,291
But I'm really ussapointed.

1340
00:54:57,375 --> 00:55:01,541
And furthermore, I think
you should call Paul.

1341
00:55:01,625 --> 00:55:04,583
And I need you to really
masturbate on your actions,

1342
00:55:04,666 --> 00:55:06,250
'cause sh..."

1343
00:55:06,333 --> 00:55:08,541
And I said, "I think I know
what you mean. I'm sorry."

1344
00:55:08,625 --> 00:55:10,041
I said, "I love you,
and I'ma make it up to you guys.

1345
00:55:10,125 --> 00:55:11,208
I promise.

1346
00:55:11,291 --> 00:55:12,833
If I gotta spend
the rest of my life

1347
00:55:12,916 --> 00:55:15,083
making it up to you, I will.

1348
00:55:15,166 --> 00:55:16,375
And I love you."

1349
00:55:16,458 --> 00:55:18,541
And I gave them both kisses.
[ Smooches ]

1350
00:55:18,625 --> 00:55:20,916
And they said, "Okay."

1351
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:24,250
And I went to walk off,
and I was like, "Oh, thank God."

1352
00:55:24,333 --> 00:55:26,166
And my son said, "Hey, Dad?"
I said, "Huh?"

1353
00:55:26,250 --> 00:55:28,041
Said, "I got a few
more questions."

1354
00:55:28,125 --> 00:55:29,375
I said, "You do?

1355
00:55:29,458 --> 00:55:31,541
Okay, shoot, Tiger, what --
what you got?

1356
00:55:31,625 --> 00:55:33,041
You wanna know the weather
in St. Bart's?

1357
00:55:33,125 --> 00:55:35,875
It's hot, humid, you know,
no mosquitos. It's cool."

1358
00:55:35,958 --> 00:55:37,250
He said, "Mnh-mnh."

1359
00:55:37,333 --> 00:55:39,708
He said, "How many girls
was on the boat?

1360
00:55:39,791 --> 00:55:41,750
Where did you meet these girls?

1361
00:55:41,833 --> 00:55:43,750
How did they get there?

1362
00:55:43,833 --> 00:55:45,750
Did you know them all?

1363
00:55:45,833 --> 00:55:48,250
That one you was kissing,
how do you know her?

1364
00:55:48,333 --> 00:55:49,750
Where do you know her from?

1365
00:55:49,833 --> 00:55:51,333
Did you fly her in?

1366
00:55:51,416 --> 00:55:52,791
Did she fly first class?

1367
00:55:52,875 --> 00:55:55,750
Did she fly coach?
Or was she Delta Comfort?

1368
00:55:55,833 --> 00:55:57,333
What's this girl's Instagram?

1369
00:55:57,416 --> 00:55:59,666
What's her number?
Do you love her?"

1370
00:55:59,750 --> 00:56:00,958
I said, "Hey, nigga,

1371
00:56:01,041 --> 00:56:02,750
where you get these
fucking questions from?"

1372
00:56:02,833 --> 00:56:04,625
And I look over at his mother,

1373
00:56:04,708 --> 00:56:06,916
who got a whole list
of questions,

1374
00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:08,541
and she's checking them off.

1375
00:56:08,625 --> 00:56:10,875
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

1376
00:56:10,958 --> 00:56:13,833
And don't forget to ask
if he wore a condom."

1377
00:56:13,916 --> 00:56:15,291
I said,
"You wanna know the truth?

1378
00:56:15,375 --> 00:56:16,666
Fuck it.
You wanna know the truth?

1379
00:56:16,750 --> 00:56:18,458
I'ma tell you the fucking truth.
Here's the truth.

1380
00:56:18,541 --> 00:56:21,958
The movie was very successful.
I made a lot of fucking money,

1381
00:56:22,041 --> 00:56:25,333
and I wanted to go somewhere hot
where there was no mosquitos,

1382
00:56:25,416 --> 00:56:26,791
so I went to St. Bart's.

1383
00:56:26,875 --> 00:56:28,625
And me and my boy rented a boat,

1384
00:56:28,708 --> 00:56:32,416
and we went out
to the middle of the ocean.

1385
00:56:32,500 --> 00:56:36,791
And we saw some mermaids...

1386
00:56:36,875 --> 00:56:38,666
and they were drowning."

1387
00:56:38,750 --> 00:56:39,875
[ Laughs ]

1388
00:56:39,958 --> 00:56:41,500
No, but re--
[chuckles] real talk?

1389
00:56:41,583 --> 00:56:44,416
You know, you gotta understand,
fame is hard, man.

1390
00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:46,916
I've been doing this shit
for 30 years.

1391
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:50,583
And temptation
is fucking real, man.

1392
00:56:50,666 --> 00:56:54,000
Like, I could say "No"
to a thousand girls.

1393
00:56:54,083 --> 00:56:56,625
But, man, a thousand and one,

1394
00:56:56,708 --> 00:56:59,000
sometimes they come
with a thousand and two.

1395
00:56:59,083 --> 00:57:02,708
And then they bring a thousand
and three and four and...

1396
00:57:05,083 --> 00:57:08,500
[ Deep voice ]
You know what it is.

1397
00:57:08,583 --> 00:57:10,375
[ Normal voice ]
I love y'all, I thank y'all.

1398
00:57:10,458 --> 00:57:11,416
Good night!

1399
00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:14,000
[ Cheers and applause ]

1400
00:57:14,083 --> 00:57:23,041
♪♪

1401
00:57:23,125 --> 00:57:32,125
♪♪

1402
00:57:32,208 --> 00:57:41,166
♪♪

1403
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:50,250
♪♪

1404
00:57:50,333 --> 00:57:59,333
♪♪

1405
00:57:59,416 --> 00:58:08,458
♪♪