WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[folk rock music playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Singin' in the kitchen ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Runnin' through the yard… ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Goin' on vacation ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

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<i>♪ On a credit card ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

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[girl on phone] <i>That was so fun, Daddy.</i>

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-You did your riding with the horses?
<i>-Yeah.</i>

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<i>But it was really good today</i>
<i>'cause I got to ride her--</i>

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Okay.

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All right, Harper, I gotta do a show.

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<i>-Be funny.</i>
<i>-Be funny.</i>

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-I love you. I love you.
<i>-We love you.</i>

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<i>And now, please welcome my daddy,</i>
<i>Nate Bargatze!</i>

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[audience cheers and applauds]

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[folk rock continues playing]

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[audience members cheer]

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All right.

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This is it.

26
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Uh, this is fun, huh?

27
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This is… Yeah.

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I mean, let me tell you,
2020 has been my favorite year.

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Out of all the years,
this has been the best one.

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I mean, I don't… You know, there's aliens.

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They said there's UFOs.

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And no one cares. That's…

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What kind of year could you have
that you could sneak in,

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"Hey, everybody, on the news…"
At the end of the news!

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They go, "There's UFOs."

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You're like, "Aw, do they have COVID?"
And you're like, "No."

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"I don't know.
They won't get tested." But, uh…

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It's funny, I told my wife that.
I said, "They said there's UFOs,"

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and she just went about her day.
I mean, just…

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You might even watch this and be like,
"I didn't hear that." That's the point.

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That's how amazing 2020 has been.

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I also feel this is a good year
to see where your friends are at.

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You know? You want
to be in the middle, I think.

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And I've got friends that,
they take a shower with their mask on,

45
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and they sleep with a mask on,

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'cause they have a hamster,
and the hamster probably has it,

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and they live alone,
it's just them and the hamster.

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And I also have friends that
I don't think have even heard about COVID.

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I…

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It looks like someone told them to try
to go get it, that's how they're living.

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I have a lot of friends, too,
they tell me they already had it.

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There's a big… They're like,
"I had it, I had a fever." Uh…

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"February, had a fever
for a couple hours, so probably had it."

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I had one friend,
he told me he had it in 2015.

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He's…

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I mean, convinced.
He goes, "I had it in 2015."

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"I was the first, and it just
didn't catch on like it has now, but…"

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I can tell you
one thing that's gone forever

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is coughing in public.

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That's… That's a wrap. I mean…

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You drink water wrong at a restaurant,

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just go walk in traffic.

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Um…

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Whole restaurant just stops.

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Your table would be like,
"Get out of here. Get out of here."

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You know who that'll hurt the most,
the cough in public? My parents,

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'cause that's
one of their favorite things to do,

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is cough in public.

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They love it. That's all they do.

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They cough everywhere.
My dad's choking constantly.

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Just always… If he's not choking,
that's when we get worried.

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That's how much choking…
We go to a restaurant,

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they're like, "Is your dad okay?"
I'm like, "I didn't…"

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"Yeah, that's just what he does."
You know?

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I've been traveling
all over the country during this COVID,

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and what I've seen is… Look, in the middle
of the country, they're doing good.

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I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks,
doing what they're supposed to.

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A lot of people are doing it,
we're trying.

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We take our temperature.

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I went to Buffalo Wild Wings.
They took my temperature.

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You telling me that teenager doesn't know
what he's doing? Is that what you're…

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Don't think he's going to doctor school?
That's how they get started,

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is he takes temperatures,
and he's like, "45 degrees. You're good."

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Uh, yeah, you're, like,
60 degrees from the problem.

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So I don't, you know…
And they're not even worried about it.

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"Fifty-seven degrees."
You're like, "Actually, I'm dead, dude."

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"That's not good."

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I asked, "Does that even work?"

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"I don't know. When it beeps,
I just tell them to go ahead." I…

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I swear, one kid said, "Beep."

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I don't think his beep worked,
and he goes, "Beep."

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And I was like,

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"Was that…" And he goes, "You're fine."

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[Nate chuckles]

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I've done pretty good during COVID.

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I, uh… 'Cause I feel
like you could either…

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I lost some weight during COVID.
You could go two ways.

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If you wanted to gain weight,
this is your time.

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I mean, everybody's fine with it.

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You can just do it, but I've been
doing all that up until COVID.

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I've always lived by that rule.

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So during COVID,
I was like, "I need to stop."

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And my neighbor started
working out in his driveway.

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So he's like, "Let's work out
in my driveway." And, you know,

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it's hard to make excuses during COVID.
You're like, "I'm just so busy."

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"I'm just… I can't,
I got a lot of stuff to do today."

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And he's just out there.

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So I started to do it with him,
and he had a trainer,

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and I'm not a big fan
of working out, never done it.

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And I told them,
"I just wanna do upper-body stuff."

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And they go, "All right. Well,
how about we just do legs every day?"

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That's all it is, is legs.

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I think
it's a huge conspiracy with trainers

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that you never
actually do your upper body,

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and when you are doing it…
I asked him, "Is this upper body?"

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He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Yeah?
'Cause I'm bending down quite a bit."

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What I eat, that's the main problem.

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I eat like a child.

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I eat… I mean, it's not good.

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He goes, "Let's go through
what you had for breakfast,

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your whole day of eating."
He goes, "Let's go through yesterday."

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And in my head, I'm like,
"Yesterday's not a good day."

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"Let's pick another day."

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Uh…

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He goes, "Go through yesterday." I go,
"All right, I had donuts in the morning."

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And he goes, "All right, was it like
they were just out or something?"

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I go, "No, I drove. I drove to it."

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"I drove to it."
He's like, "Is it on your way?"

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I go, "No, I was late
to where I was going because of it."

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He goes,
"What about late-night snacking?"

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I was like,
"Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night."

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He goes, "Did you watch a movie?"
I go, "No, just regular TV."

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And he's like, "The little kid bag?"

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I go, "No, it was a bag.
It was a bag of 'em."

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"If you saw it without a label
and someone said, 'Hand me that bag,'

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they wouldn't be confused
on what you were asking."

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I always have trouble going to sleep,
and I swear, every doctor…

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It's like,
I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda,

139
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and I'm like,
"What's going on, man? I can't…"

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"Dude, at night,
my brain just doesn't stop."

141
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And they're like, "Yeah, dude,
you can't eat Sour Patch Kids in bed."

142
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"Maybe that's a problem."

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We've been traveling around like crazy.

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Did all these drive-in dates
that have been super fun.

145
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I like traveling, love being on the road.
I remember one time,

146
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I was in Los Angeles,

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and I was going to South by Southwest
in Austin, Texas the next day,

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and I had a really early flight.

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I remember the night before, I was like,
"Just be normal, have a normal night."

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And ended up hanging out,
became a bit of a problem. [chuckles]

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And I wake up the next day,
and my flight is gone.

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I've missed it,
and it's not like it's at the gate,

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it is in Austin, Texas.

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They are checking into their hotel.

155
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So I go to get my phone
to get another flight,

156
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and I've lost my phone.
The night before, I've lost it.

157
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So now I don't have my phone.

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So I have to go buy a ticket
over the counter like it's the '50s.

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And when you walk up to a counter,

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they don't expect you
to be buying a ticket like that.

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I got up there,
and they're like, "All right."

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I was like, "I would like
one ticket to Austin, Texas, please."

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And they said, "All right,
go buy it and don't be weird about it."

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I go, "No, I'd like to write
a check to you for one ticket

165
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to Austin, Texas."

166
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They didn't have a flight,
so I have to do that at every terminal.

167
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I just have keep going,
"One ticket to Austin, Texas, please."

168
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I finally found a flight,

169
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but the girl behind the counter,
she's never sold a ticket like that.

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"I've worked here for ten years.
No one's ever done this."

171
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"I don't know how to do it."

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She went back and got probably
the oldest lady I've ever seen.

173
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I think she's there for just this reason.

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She came out, she had that old
credit card machine that you run.

175
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She's like, "I got it. I've been…
This is super fun for me."

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It was weird to not have my phone.
Everybody has their phone.

177
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I was going through the airport,

178
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and you just don't have it,
and you just stare.

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I mean, we were waiting in line,

180
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and you're just looking ahead.
I mean, people are just like,

181
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"All right, dude, what is wrong with you?"
Just regular people…

182
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Like, "Where's your phone?"
I'm like, "I don't have it."

183
00:09:01.624 --> 00:09:03.918
"I'd like to talk to you, though,
if you'll talk to me."

184
00:09:04.001 --> 00:09:05.795
"I'd love to chat for a little bit."

185
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I thought I was going
to breeze through security,

186
00:09:09.298 --> 00:09:11.717
but I got held up
'cause of the guy in front of me.

187
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He goes through the metal detector,
and it goes off,

188
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and so they ask him,
"Do you have anything metal on you?"

189
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And he goes, "I have keys on me, my keys."

190
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And we thought he was gonna say
his knee or hip, you know, just…

191
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Old people have metal in them a lot.

192
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And he goes,
"Keys? Do you think that would do it?"

193
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You're like, "That would be
the number-one answer on <i>Family Feud</i>

194
00:09:33.322 --> 00:09:36.576
of what would set
a metal detector off." "Keys."

195
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I told him,
"Look, let's try it with and without it."

196
00:09:40.162 --> 00:09:43.332
"I'd love to know. Maybe they've
been lying to us about this key thing."

197
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So I've been doing these drive-in shows,
these drive-in movie theater shows,

198
00:09:50.131 --> 00:09:52.049
and my buddy Nic Novicki's been with me.

199
00:09:52.133 --> 00:09:55.261
And Nic's a little person, very fun.
We started comedy together.

200
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Nic's very fun to be friends with,
very easy to trick.

201
00:10:00.766 --> 00:10:02.476
We were once at a coffee shop,

202
00:10:02.560 --> 00:10:05.605
and a guy was sitting near us
with a big husky dog.

203
00:10:06.147 --> 00:10:08.566
And Nic just goes,
"Hey, you think that's a wolf?"

204
00:10:10.651 --> 00:10:13.446
And I just said,
"Yeah, I do think it's a wolf." Uh…

205
00:10:14.447 --> 00:10:17.116
"They just passed a law
that if you can catch a wolf,

206
00:10:17.199 --> 00:10:18.909
you can have it as a pet."

207
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He goes, "Should I go ask him about it?"

208
00:10:23.497 --> 00:10:26.417
I was like, "Absolutely.
I mean, he wants to talk about it."

209
00:10:26.500 --> 00:10:28.502
"That's why he brought
that wolf out here."

210
00:10:30.838 --> 00:10:34.216
I watched him walk over to him
and just go, "Excuse me, is that a wolf?"

211
00:10:35.176 --> 00:10:37.386
And the guy,
he didn't really know how to answer.

212
00:10:37.470 --> 00:10:38.554
He's like, "What?"

213
00:10:39.138 --> 00:10:42.183
"I mean, you think I brought
a wild wolf to this coffee shop…

214
00:10:44.352 --> 00:10:48.439
and the wolf's just being cool about it?
It's not losing its mind right now?"

215
00:10:52.026 --> 00:10:55.363
When we were doing these drive-in shows,
we were all on a bus together,

216
00:10:55.446 --> 00:10:59.575
I convinced Nic that I didn't know who
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were.

217
00:11:00.451 --> 00:11:02.912
Nic is learning this,
that I do know who they are,

218
00:11:02.995 --> 00:11:04.914
he's learning right now with you.

219
00:11:05.748 --> 00:11:06.999
I never told him.

220
00:11:07.083 --> 00:11:08.959
I absolutely know who they are.

221
00:11:09.043 --> 00:11:13.172
He brought… All his references
are just '90s sports references.

222
00:11:13.255 --> 00:11:15.257
[chuckles] He only can reference the '90s.

223
00:11:15.341 --> 00:11:18.094
So he brings up
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.

224
00:11:18.177 --> 00:11:21.180
I was like, "Who's that?" He's like,
"What? You don't know who they are?"

225
00:11:21.263 --> 00:11:23.683
I was like, "I don't think
anybody knows who they are."

226
00:11:23.766 --> 00:11:27.186
He goes, "Dude, this was a huge story.
Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit."

227
00:11:27.269 --> 00:11:30.690
I was like, "I've never heard this, dude.
Don't you think I would've heard it?"

228
00:11:30.773 --> 00:11:32.441
I was like, "No one knows this."

229
00:11:32.525 --> 00:11:34.068
And he's losing his mind.

230
00:11:34.151 --> 00:11:36.612
I go, "They should make
a <i>30 for 30</i> if it's that good."

231
00:11:36.696 --> 00:11:37.988
He goes, "They did!"

232
00:11:40.157 --> 00:11:42.451
Another guy's like,
"They should make a movie about it."

233
00:11:42.576 --> 00:11:44.995
He goes, "There's a movie!"
He's just losing it.

234
00:11:47.498 --> 00:11:50.000
One of my favorite ones was…

235
00:11:50.084 --> 00:11:52.837
This was forever ago.
We're going to a friend's house,

236
00:11:52.920 --> 00:11:55.131
and it was a four-flight walk up,

237
00:11:55.214 --> 00:11:57.299
and so we had to walk up four flights.

238
00:11:57.383 --> 00:12:00.720
Obviously, I walk faster than Nic,
and I used to wait for him,

239
00:12:00.803 --> 00:12:03.055
but we've just been friends
too long, I can't.

240
00:12:03.139 --> 00:12:05.599
We're like an old married couple.
I'm just gone.

241
00:12:07.643 --> 00:12:10.229
So I knew where we were going,
and I knew that he did not.

242
00:12:10.312 --> 00:12:12.565
So I leave him
and I go into my buddy's apartment.

243
00:12:12.648 --> 00:12:16.026
I was like, "Nic doesn't know
where you live, so that's fun, you know,

244
00:12:16.110 --> 00:12:18.404
let's just see what happens."

245
00:12:19.071 --> 00:12:20.489
About 30 minutes go by.

246
00:12:20.573 --> 00:12:24.034
Nic finally comes into the apartment,
and I asked him, "Where were you?"

247
00:12:24.118 --> 00:12:27.246
He goes, "I didn't know
where to go." I go, "I know."

248
00:12:28.038 --> 00:12:30.916
"So you've been gone for a long time.
Did you go back outside?"

249
00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:34.503
He goes, "No, I've been in
someone else's apartment all this time."

250
00:12:35.546 --> 00:12:38.841
He went into someone's…
He was just trying handles.

251
00:12:40.134 --> 00:12:41.427
And a door opened,

252
00:12:41.510 --> 00:12:44.430
he walked in, said, "I'm with Nate,"
and went and sat on their couch.

253
00:12:44.513 --> 00:12:45.973
That's how far he made it.

254
00:12:46.766 --> 00:12:50.144
Think about where your couch is.
That's how deep he made it in their place.

255
00:12:51.812 --> 00:12:53.731
And he's so confident,
they had to be like,

256
00:12:53.814 --> 00:12:56.066
"I don't know.
Maybe we know a Nate," you know?

257
00:12:59.111 --> 00:13:00.780
Doing those drive-in shows were fun.

258
00:13:00.863 --> 00:13:03.824
You know, you're doing it
at a drive-in movie theater.

259
00:13:03.908 --> 00:13:07.286
What's hard is when people want to leave
early if they don't like your act.

260
00:13:07.369 --> 00:13:09.872
I mean, you just see
headlights hit you in the face,

261
00:13:09.955 --> 00:13:12.416
and he's just like… and just backs up.

262
00:13:12.500 --> 00:13:15.044
And you're like,
"All right, there goes that guy." Uh…

263
00:13:17.254 --> 00:13:19.131
I did one Zoom show,

264
00:13:19.215 --> 00:13:22.134
and it was just…
I mean, it's just your face on it,

265
00:13:22.218 --> 00:13:24.720
and right before we get started,
I just hear someone say,

266
00:13:24.804 --> 00:13:27.681
"I don't know.
It's some stupid comedy thing." It's just…

267
00:13:29.934 --> 00:13:31.519
What's that? What'd she say?

268
00:13:32.978 --> 00:13:34.980
[helicopter whirring]

269
00:13:36.148 --> 00:13:37.358
Just helicopters all day.

270
00:13:37.441 --> 00:13:38.984
That's an outside show.

271
00:13:40.653 --> 00:13:44.114
The next special's going to be at LAX.
It's gonna be a good time. Uh…

272
00:13:46.075 --> 00:13:48.244
-[chuckles]
-[audience applauds and cheers]

273
00:13:50.496 --> 00:13:55.084
I can't wait to get back to the old days
of just not doing good inside a building.

274
00:13:55.167 --> 00:13:57.086
That's all you want, you know?

275
00:13:57.837 --> 00:14:01.841
There's… One of the last,
kind of, bombs I had…

276
00:14:01.924 --> 00:14:04.176
So as comedians,
we do a lot of corporate events,

277
00:14:04.260 --> 00:14:06.720
and I was doing
this corporate event in Tampa, Florida.

278
00:14:06.804 --> 00:14:10.182
It was for this guy,
he ran Tampa's electricity or something.

279
00:14:10.266 --> 00:14:11.684
I don't know what anybody does,

280
00:14:11.767 --> 00:14:14.687
but he invented
the electricity in Florida, so…

281
00:14:15.646 --> 00:14:17.898
Yeah, he's doing real good. And…

282
00:14:19.024 --> 00:14:21.777
He was a very nice guy,
he's very generous.

283
00:14:21.861 --> 00:14:26.323
It was all of his employees,
he was raffling off two cars.

284
00:14:26.407 --> 00:14:28.200
He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads…

285
00:14:28.284 --> 00:14:31.120
I mean, honestly,
probably $100,000 worth of gifts

286
00:14:31.203 --> 00:14:33.455
he was giving back to his employees.
Very nice.

287
00:14:33.539 --> 00:14:36.083
Well, I was one of these gifts
that he was giving back,

288
00:14:36.166 --> 00:14:38.002
so in the middle
of giving this stuff away,

289
00:14:38.085 --> 00:14:40.921
he stops and goes, "All right.
Got a big surprise for you."

290
00:14:41.005 --> 00:14:42.965
"Can't believe we got
this guy to come here."

291
00:14:43.048 --> 00:14:46.635
And he brings me out.
I mean, nobody's heard of me at all.

292
00:14:47.303 --> 00:14:48.721
They're all looking at me like,

293
00:14:48.804 --> 00:14:51.891
"I think I could get this guy
to come to my house. I mean, who is…"

294
00:14:54.852 --> 00:14:56.186
I start doing my act.

295
00:14:56.270 --> 00:14:58.689
I do one hour, and just zero laughs.

296
00:14:58.772 --> 00:15:01.108
I mean nothing,
and I'm not doing new jokes.

297
00:15:01.191 --> 00:15:02.818
I'm doing the greatest hits.

298
00:15:04.153 --> 00:15:07.281
I told the "iced coffee
with milk" story three times.

299
00:15:07.364 --> 00:15:09.450
-I…
-[audience applauds]

300
00:15:09.533 --> 00:15:12.036
-[chuckles] It was…
-[cheering]

301
00:15:12.119 --> 00:15:13.454
I kept just doing it.

302
00:15:13.537 --> 00:15:17.041
I was like, "I'mma do it one more time.
I don't think y'all were listening." Uh…

303
00:15:17.750 --> 00:15:19.001
People were leaving.

304
00:15:19.084 --> 00:15:21.128
The guy that drove me
asked someone that left,

305
00:15:21.211 --> 00:15:23.380
he goes,
"Is the comedy show almost over?"

306
00:15:23.464 --> 00:15:26.258
The guy goes, "I don't even know
what you're talking about."

307
00:15:26.342 --> 00:15:29.345
"There's a guy giving a speech
up there now, so maybe after that."

308
00:15:34.642 --> 00:15:37.394
So we get done, and then the guy comes up.

309
00:15:37.478 --> 00:15:40.439
You know, I have to talk to him,
and I was like, "Look, I'm sorry, man."

310
00:15:40.522 --> 00:15:42.274
"I used to be able to do comedy,

311
00:15:42.358 --> 00:15:45.319
and I lost it, you know? It's over."

312
00:15:45.402 --> 00:15:48.948
And he was very nice, he goes, "No,
it's all right, nothing's your fault."

313
00:15:49.031 --> 00:15:51.533
I was like,
"I don't know how that's possible."

314
00:15:51.617 --> 00:15:53.619
And he goes,
"Well, when you were up there,

315
00:15:53.702 --> 00:15:56.830
I remembered that most of my employees
do not speak English."

316
00:15:56.914 --> 00:16:00.376
And I was like, "All right,
yeah, that'll do it." You know?

317
00:16:02.127 --> 00:16:05.130
Maybe don't hire
an English-only-speaking comedian.

318
00:16:06.006 --> 00:16:07.341
No heads up at all.

319
00:16:07.424 --> 00:16:10.928
Not that I could have changed it up,
but it just would have been nice to know.

320
00:16:12.596 --> 00:16:13.681
[exclaims indistinctly]

321
00:16:14.974 --> 00:16:19.103
So I have a daughter,
and my daughter's name is Harper.

322
00:16:19.186 --> 00:16:21.897
So a lot of people ask,
"Did you name her after Harper Lee,

323
00:16:21.981 --> 00:16:23.899
the author of <i>To Kill a Mockingbird?"</i>

324
00:16:23.983 --> 00:16:28.195
And, you know, I've never thought
about an author a day in my life, so…

325
00:16:30.531 --> 00:16:31.907
That never occurred to me.

326
00:16:31.991 --> 00:16:35.577
I mean, my middle name is Lee,
and it just never crossed my mind. Uh…

327
00:16:37.454 --> 00:16:38.706
I love having a kid.

328
00:16:38.789 --> 00:16:42.793
We… I love when kids cry,
it's just innocent.

329
00:16:42.876 --> 00:16:46.213
I love how innocent it is.
They cry over a tag in their shirt.

330
00:16:46.296 --> 00:16:47.423
I mean, they bawl.

331
00:16:47.506 --> 00:16:49.008
They don't like… It feels weird.

332
00:16:49.091 --> 00:16:51.343
And then, you could be like,
"Is your house on fire?"

333
00:16:51.427 --> 00:16:54.555
I've never seen someone cry this much.
It's over nothing.

334
00:16:54.638 --> 00:16:57.433
She's on her iPad a lot.
You know, that's the hard part.

335
00:16:57.516 --> 00:17:00.936
You got to get these kids off…
You don't want technology all the time.

336
00:17:01.020 --> 00:17:02.646
She just sits there on her iPad.

337
00:17:02.730 --> 00:17:04.231
She wants to be a YouTuber,

338
00:17:04.314 --> 00:17:06.400
which, as a comedian, makes me furious.

339
00:17:08.277 --> 00:17:11.447
She watches these kid YouTube videos,
and now she makes her own videos.

340
00:17:11.530 --> 00:17:13.073
It's just her sitting there going,

341
00:17:13.157 --> 00:17:14.658
"Hey, guys, what's going on?"

342
00:17:14.742 --> 00:17:17.536
"Click the links below,
subscribe, leave a comment."

343
00:17:17.619 --> 00:17:19.663
None of this is anywhere but my phone.

344
00:17:19.747 --> 00:17:22.374
I got 90 hours of this.
It's not on YouTube.

345
00:17:22.458 --> 00:17:24.752
Me and her mom are the only subscribers.

346
00:17:27.921 --> 00:17:31.592
She just watches kids playing with toys.
Like, that's what's crazy.

347
00:17:31.675 --> 00:17:34.386
It's not like a show.
I'd be fine if she watched a show.

348
00:17:34.470 --> 00:17:37.973
She watches just a kid that's like,
"Hey, you don't have this toy, I do."

349
00:17:38.057 --> 00:17:39.850
"You want to see me open it?"

350
00:17:39.933 --> 00:17:41.894
It's got five billion views.

351
00:17:43.520 --> 00:17:46.023
It looks like we buy her nothing,
like, we just show her.

352
00:17:46.106 --> 00:17:49.276
"If you wanna watch a kid have fun,
but you'll never have fun in this house!"

353
00:17:53.155 --> 00:17:54.865
We take her out, we go do stuff.

354
00:17:54.948 --> 00:17:57.117
I would take her
to Chuck E. Cheese all the time.

355
00:17:57.201 --> 00:17:59.495
You can go there, they had COVID in '84.

356
00:17:59.578 --> 00:18:02.039
So there's… Yeah.

357
00:18:02.122 --> 00:18:04.833
It can't even survive in there,
that's what…

358
00:18:04.917 --> 00:18:06.335
Chuck E. Cheese is rough.

359
00:18:06.418 --> 00:18:08.545
I don't know
if you've been there in a while.

360
00:18:08.629 --> 00:18:12.216
They look like they're trying
to go out of business and they can't. I…

361
00:18:13.634 --> 00:18:16.136
They filed for bankruptcy
and they're still open.

362
00:18:16.804 --> 00:18:20.307
They called Blockbuster and were like,
"How do you get out? We want out."

363
00:18:20.390 --> 00:18:21.725
[audience applauds]

364
00:18:25.020 --> 00:18:28.440
They're updating nothing.
That Chuck E. band is just robotic.

365
00:18:29.733 --> 00:18:33.946
I mean, the drummer doesn't even turn on,
it just sits like that the whole time.

366
00:18:35.447 --> 00:18:39.660
They sell booze to parents now,
they just give them buckets of Bud Light.

367
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:42.412
They're drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m.

368
00:18:43.247 --> 00:18:47.376
When someone drives those kids home,
I don't see Ubers and Lyfts showing up.

369
00:18:48.585 --> 00:18:50.963
There was a Chuck E. Cheese
that got caught,

370
00:18:51.046 --> 00:18:54.424
if people didn't eat all their pizza,
they'd put it back out on the buffet.

371
00:18:54.508 --> 00:18:56.927
And that would shut down
any normal business.

372
00:18:57.010 --> 00:18:59.346
And with Chuck E. Cheese,
they have thrived.

373
00:18:59.429 --> 00:19:03.475
I mean, when I read the story, I was like,
"I thought that's what they were doing."

374
00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:06.979
"I thought we agreed that's fine."
I didn't know what the article was about.

375
00:19:10.440 --> 00:19:12.609
Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too,

376
00:19:12.693 --> 00:19:15.237
and parents don't like that,
when you say it.

377
00:19:15.779 --> 00:19:19.700
They're like, "You gotta keep
them outside. Don't look at them." Uh…

378
00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:23.078
It's my fault.

379
00:19:23.162 --> 00:19:25.247
So we had a kid late in life.
We have one kid.

380
00:19:25.330 --> 00:19:27.916
So we're hitting all the sights,
and I'd be…

381
00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:29.918
When I travel a bunch, and I'd get home,

382
00:19:30.002 --> 00:19:33.463
I'd want us to sleep in the bed together.
and I've built up a habit now,

383
00:19:33.547 --> 00:19:34.464
it's happened.

384
00:19:34.548 --> 00:19:37.509
So it's tough, though,
because kids don't know how to sleep.

385
00:19:37.593 --> 00:19:40.554
I mean, she makes
a king bed feel like a twin.

386
00:19:40.637 --> 00:19:43.765
I mean, I'm on the edge.
When I sleep alone in a hotel,

387
00:19:43.849 --> 00:19:47.436
I sleep with my head on the nightstand.
It's the only way I know how to go to bed.

388
00:19:49.021 --> 00:19:51.106
She gets sideways, upside down.

389
00:19:51.190 --> 00:19:54.651
If you woke up upside down tomorrow,
you would go to the hospital.

390
00:19:57.571 --> 00:19:59.573
She's also apparently
going through menopause

391
00:19:59.656 --> 00:20:02.284
'cause she's the hottest
human being that's ever lived.

392
00:20:03.452 --> 00:20:06.288
I'm freezing at night.
She kicks all the covers off.

393
00:20:06.371 --> 00:20:09.791
You're like, "Yeah, you go ahead.
It's your bed. We're lucky to be in it."

394
00:20:12.211 --> 00:20:14.796
She's gotta get out at some point,
you know? I don't know.

395
00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.759
She'll be 37 years old…
"Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?"

396
00:20:18.842 --> 00:20:21.386
Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed.

397
00:20:21.470 --> 00:20:24.514
Her husband left a while ago,
he ain't gonna put up with that. Um…

398
00:20:27.559 --> 00:20:29.353
I remember, I'd fall out of a bunk bed.

399
00:20:29.436 --> 00:20:31.355
I slept in a bunk bed,
I was on the top bunk,

400
00:20:31.438 --> 00:20:32.940
and I would get over a railing,

401
00:20:33.023 --> 00:20:35.651
and just fall six feet to the ground,

402
00:20:36.235 --> 00:20:37.194
and just land…

403
00:20:37.277 --> 00:20:41.323
I mean, you don't catch yourself,
it's just whatever hits first.

404
00:20:41.406 --> 00:20:43.492
All your body weight
just lands on your head.

405
00:20:43.575 --> 00:20:45.994
I got a full-blown concussion, I'm crying.

406
00:20:46.078 --> 00:20:49.456
My parents are like, "Just go back
to a deep sleep for seven hours."

407
00:20:51.750 --> 00:20:53.961
I've had three concussions in my life,

408
00:20:54.044 --> 00:20:55.837
and none of them because of sports.

409
00:20:56.421 --> 00:20:59.007
Just living life, man, you know?

410
00:20:59.091 --> 00:21:01.593
Stuff happens to your head.
What are you going to do?

411
00:21:02.928 --> 00:21:04.346
One was in high school.

412
00:21:04.429 --> 00:21:06.974
I got pushed into a wall headfirst,

413
00:21:07.057 --> 00:21:10.185
and it took them three class periods
to figure out I had a concussion.

414
00:21:10.269 --> 00:21:12.271
That's how much
I was bringing to the table.

415
00:21:14.314 --> 00:21:18.068
I mean, two teachers didn't even notice,
and the third one was like,

416
00:21:18.151 --> 00:21:20.862
"He wasn't facing forward,
and that's when I realized."

417
00:21:22.114 --> 00:21:26.076
"He's one of the better facer-forwards
I've ever had, so I knew."

418
00:21:28.328 --> 00:21:32.582
My biggest concussion was when
I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff.

419
00:21:32.666 --> 00:21:34.793
So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee,

420
00:21:34.876 --> 00:21:37.796
and we used to climb down this cliff
into Old Hickory Lake,

421
00:21:37.879 --> 00:21:39.381
and we'd done it a ton of times.

422
00:21:39.464 --> 00:21:41.466
And so one day, I slip and fall.

423
00:21:41.550 --> 00:21:44.219
So my friend that I'm with,
he goes and gets my mom.

424
00:21:44.303 --> 00:21:47.347
There was a guy fishing
in a boat down in the lake,

425
00:21:47.431 --> 00:21:49.641
and so he sees me
and he gets me into the boat.

426
00:21:49.725 --> 00:21:52.519
He takes me over to some stairs,
which he had to be like,

427
00:21:52.602 --> 00:21:55.939
"Why didn't he just use these stairs?"
They were right next to that cliff.

428
00:21:56.023 --> 00:21:57.816
[chuckles] It didn't even make sense.

429
00:21:57.899 --> 00:22:00.902
Uh, there was two guys
at the bottom of the steps,

430
00:22:00.986 --> 00:22:03.363
and he goes, "This kid fell.
Can you carry him up?"

431
00:22:03.447 --> 00:22:04.573
So they carry me up.

432
00:22:04.656 --> 00:22:08.076
And now my mom's
in an ambulance in her pajamas.

433
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:10.912
My dad, who I think
everybody knows now is a magician,

434
00:22:10.996 --> 00:22:13.832
and he's doing a show in a full tuxedo.

435
00:22:13.915 --> 00:22:17.044
So they get to the hospital,
the doctor starts talking to my parents.

436
00:22:17.127 --> 00:22:18.712
I mean, my mom looks homeless.

437
00:22:18.795 --> 00:22:20.172
My dad's in a tuxedo.

438
00:22:20.964 --> 00:22:21.882
It looks…

439
00:22:22.632 --> 00:22:26.053
It looks like they're divorced
and someone's not paying child support.

440
00:22:28.347 --> 00:22:32.392
So we've never known who was in the boat
or the guys that carried me up the stairs.

441
00:22:32.476 --> 00:22:35.395
We've never known who it was,
and we always wanted to thank them.

442
00:22:35.479 --> 00:22:36.813
Those guys truly saved my life,

443
00:22:36.897 --> 00:22:39.066
and we could just never find out
who it was.

444
00:22:39.149 --> 00:22:41.651
So we never knew.
So I tell you that to tell you,

445
00:22:41.735 --> 00:22:45.364
uh, last year, my dad is doing a show.

446
00:22:45.447 --> 00:22:47.574
He does these magic shows in prisons.

447
00:22:47.657 --> 00:22:49.701
So he's doing a show at a prison,

448
00:22:49.785 --> 00:22:52.579
and during the show,
one of the inmates just stands up

449
00:22:52.662 --> 00:22:54.039
and says, "I know your son."

450
00:22:54.623 --> 00:22:57.793
Which is probably not the best place,
as a father, to hear that.

451
00:22:59.127 --> 00:23:02.464
Just like, "I know your boy. He keeps
his mouth shut. He's good people."

452
00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:06.676
[chuckles] So…

453
00:23:07.427 --> 00:23:10.389
My dad, he goes, "Hey. All right,
how do you know my son?"

454
00:23:10.472 --> 00:23:13.600
And he was one of the guys
that carried me up those stairs that day.

455
00:23:13.683 --> 00:23:15.769
I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old,

456
00:23:15.852 --> 00:23:18.855
and we'd never known
who carried me up those stairs,

457
00:23:18.939 --> 00:23:20.315
and it was him and his brother,

458
00:23:20.399 --> 00:23:22.526
and then his brother saw me
on <i>The Tonight Show,</i>

459
00:23:22.609 --> 00:23:25.445
and was like, "That's that kid
we carried up those stairs that day."

460
00:23:25.529 --> 00:23:26.863
So it's pretty crazy.

461
00:23:26.947 --> 00:23:29.699
So since then I've been actually
bringing him out to shows.

462
00:23:29.783 --> 00:23:32.035
I'm gonna bring him out tonight. And…

463
00:23:32.119 --> 00:23:34.496
No, he's not here.
He's in prison, but, you know.

464
00:23:35.497 --> 00:23:36.706
Sorry. Yeah.

465
00:23:36.790 --> 00:23:40.210
Trust me. Look, he would love
to be here. Trust me. Uh…

466
00:23:40.293 --> 00:23:43.422
I mean, yeah,
he'd kill to be here, to be honest, but…

467
00:23:44.131 --> 00:23:46.883
There's one day. One day, I'll get him.

468
00:23:49.719 --> 00:23:52.931
I did find out
why he was in prison, which was crazy.

469
00:23:53.014 --> 00:23:54.433
So it was that same day.

470
00:23:54.516 --> 00:23:57.477
So they just carried a body
down those stairs,

471
00:23:57.561 --> 00:24:01.106
and you can imagine the frustration
to then be handed another body.

472
00:24:02.232 --> 00:24:04.443
Yeah, and you're like,
"Dude, are you serious?"

473
00:24:04.526 --> 00:24:06.862
"Like, we just did this, man." You know?

474
00:24:06.945 --> 00:24:08.447
All right, that part I made up.

475
00:24:08.530 --> 00:24:12.075
But the rest,
I swear the rest of it is true.

476
00:24:14.327 --> 00:24:16.204
Our daughter is in third grade,

477
00:24:16.288 --> 00:24:19.374
and for first grade,
she started taking the bus,

478
00:24:19.458 --> 00:24:21.626
and it was the first time
she ever took the bus.

479
00:24:21.710 --> 00:24:24.754
So you know, as a parent, you walk them
to the bus stop, it's very fun.

480
00:24:24.838 --> 00:24:26.715
So we got her on the bus,
she went to school.

481
00:24:26.798 --> 00:24:29.801
At the end of the day,
someone from school called my cell phone.

482
00:24:29.885 --> 00:24:32.471
They have my wife's cell phone,
they have my cell phone.

483
00:24:32.554 --> 00:24:34.556
They called my cell phone, and she said,

484
00:24:34.639 --> 00:24:37.392
"Do you know what bus number
your daughter's supposed to be on?"

485
00:24:37.476 --> 00:24:39.019
And I said, "I'm her dad."

486
00:24:40.812 --> 00:24:42.355
As in, "Are you cra…" I was like,

487
00:24:42.439 --> 00:24:46.151
"This is how you thought you'd get
this information, was to call the dad?"

488
00:24:46.234 --> 00:24:49.654
"You saw Mom and Dad's cell phone,
you go, 'I bet the dad knows.'"

489
00:24:51.656 --> 00:24:54.576
I was like, "Do you have parents?
You ever seen a family before?"

490
00:24:55.076 --> 00:24:56.870
"You thought, 'Let's call the husband'?"

491
00:24:56.953 --> 00:25:00.624
"Unless there's two husbands, you should
never call a husband a day in your life."

492
00:25:02.209 --> 00:25:04.544
"I'd rather you ask
a lady that doesn't know her."

493
00:25:04.628 --> 00:25:07.255
"I think she could get to the bottom of it
quicker than I can."

494
00:25:10.842 --> 00:25:13.053
I had to go get her.
"All right, I'll come get her."

495
00:25:13.136 --> 00:25:16.306
"Tell me the name of the school
and I'll come get her. Where does she go?"

496
00:25:19.559 --> 00:25:22.187
When you pack lunches now,
you got to be careful

497
00:25:22.270 --> 00:25:24.481
'cause a lot of kids
have peanut allergies now.

498
00:25:24.564 --> 00:25:28.401
And our daughter actually has
a cashew allergy, with tree nuts.

499
00:25:28.485 --> 00:25:32.697
And so I don't know what tree nuts are,
but it could kill my daughter.

500
00:25:32.781 --> 00:25:35.867
The doctor goes, "Can't have tree nuts,"
and that's it. He left.

501
00:25:35.951 --> 00:25:39.120
And I was like, "We'd love to know…
I didn't know where nuts came from,

502
00:25:39.204 --> 00:25:42.624
but apparently they come
from two different places,

503
00:25:42.707 --> 00:25:44.251
and one of them's a tree."

504
00:25:45.835 --> 00:25:50.257
I feel bad. Look, I want to defend
all these kids with peanut allergies.

505
00:25:50.340 --> 00:25:54.344
I don't think they get defended.
They get yelled at by adults.

506
00:25:54.427 --> 00:25:58.265
We got a lot of adults
addicted to peanuts in this country.

507
00:25:59.140 --> 00:26:00.767
And they're furious.

508
00:26:00.850 --> 00:26:02.561
I haven't had peanuts in forever.

509
00:26:02.644 --> 00:26:05.397
You take peanuts out of my life,
I don't think I'd notice.

510
00:26:05.480 --> 00:26:10.026
And we just have… Adults are yelling
at these children like they chose it,

511
00:26:10.110 --> 00:26:14.114
like when they were born, the doctor goes,
"Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?"

512
00:26:15.031 --> 00:26:16.908
Every scenario is life and death.

513
00:26:17.492 --> 00:26:19.869
You ever been on a plane?
They just announce it.

514
00:26:19.953 --> 00:26:23.331
These planes…
Just serve pretzels and be done with it.

515
00:26:23.415 --> 00:26:25.875
But they try every flight,
and if they can't,

516
00:26:25.959 --> 00:26:27.627
they just go, "All right, everybody,

517
00:26:27.711 --> 00:26:30.839
can't have peanuts today
'cause of that loser kid right there."

518
00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:34.342
And these grownups are booing him.

519
00:26:34.426 --> 00:26:36.970
"The only reason
I'm on the flight is for the peanuts."

520
00:26:37.053 --> 00:26:38.763
"I don't even know where it's going."

521
00:26:42.100 --> 00:26:43.685
We're doing homework too.

522
00:26:43.768 --> 00:26:46.187
Our daughter started bringing it home.
Homework's fun.

523
00:26:46.271 --> 00:26:49.357
First and second grade was awesome.
Third grade, you're like, "Okay."

524
00:26:49.441 --> 00:26:52.694
They throw some stuff in,
you're like, "Oh, all right. All right."

525
00:26:53.361 --> 00:26:56.573
It's, uh… "Okay, learning it earlier
than we used to, huh?"

526
00:26:56.656 --> 00:26:58.575
I don't even know if that's true, but…

527
00:27:00.076 --> 00:27:01.828
She brought home Common Core math.

528
00:27:01.911 --> 00:27:04.414
That's fun. It's a new math
they invented, no heads up.

529
00:27:04.497 --> 00:27:06.958
Just give it to parents
that never learned it. Uh…

530
00:27:08.918 --> 00:27:11.504
It's just a whole new…
I mean, it's unbelievable.

531
00:27:11.588 --> 00:27:14.466
They bring it home, you gotta watch
a 40-minute YouTube video

532
00:27:14.549 --> 00:27:16.259
on Common Core math.

533
00:27:16.343 --> 00:27:18.428
I don't even understand it.
If you know it…

534
00:27:18.511 --> 00:27:20.847
If you don't know Common Core,
it's just a new math.

535
00:27:20.930 --> 00:27:25.226
And the goal of Common Core is to use
one sheet of paper for every problem.

536
00:27:25.310 --> 00:27:28.688
You… You just want to keep
breaking the problem down.

537
00:27:28.772 --> 00:27:31.691
You put the problem at the top,
and it just keeps going.

538
00:27:32.442 --> 00:27:35.570
And then what's even funnier is
you see old math in the middle of it.

539
00:27:35.654 --> 00:27:38.406
As you break it down, old math
gets in there and you're like,

540
00:27:38.490 --> 00:27:41.201
"Oh! Just do that at the top.
I don't even know what we're doing."

541
00:27:44.079 --> 00:27:46.456
It's not like old math isn't working.
Old math still…

542
00:27:46.539 --> 00:27:49.959
I don't get incorrect change everywhere,
just going, "This stupid old math!"

543
00:27:53.129 --> 00:27:55.548
It's a long way to get at the same answer.

544
00:27:55.632 --> 00:27:56.466
I told my wife,

545
00:27:56.549 --> 00:27:59.219
it feels like if you knocked
on my front door and I opened it,

546
00:27:59.302 --> 00:28:00.595
and you say, "Can I come in?"

547
00:28:00.679 --> 00:28:03.473
And I was like, "Do you mind
coming in through the back door?"

548
00:28:03.556 --> 00:28:05.100
"Does the front door not work?"

549
00:28:05.183 --> 00:28:07.686
"No, it works. I use it,
a lot of people still use it,

550
00:28:07.769 --> 00:28:10.021
but the new way is to go jump the fence

551
00:28:10.105 --> 00:28:13.108
and come in the back
and meet me at this same spot."

552
00:28:16.152 --> 00:28:17.987
Even though I make fun of Common Core,

553
00:28:18.071 --> 00:28:21.157
I have learned stuff
from elementary homework,

554
00:28:21.241 --> 00:28:22.492
which is embarrassing.

555
00:28:23.451 --> 00:28:25.370
I'm 41. My daughter is eight.

556
00:28:25.453 --> 00:28:29.749
Nothing should ever come out of her mouth
that I'm like, "What? What was that?"

557
00:28:31.876 --> 00:28:34.295
I learned when to use
"a" or "an" in a sentence.

558
00:28:34.379 --> 00:28:36.965
[chuckles] I didn't know
that there was a rule in play.

559
00:28:37.048 --> 00:28:39.050
I thought you felt it out, you know,

560
00:28:39.134 --> 00:28:42.220
and just go, "That feels right,"
and that's what you do.

561
00:28:44.055 --> 00:28:45.598
I do the same thing with a comma.

562
00:28:45.682 --> 00:28:48.101
I've never known where
a comma's supposed to go.

563
00:28:48.184 --> 00:28:51.312
If I feel a comma's coming,
I try to get out of that sentence so bad.

564
00:28:51.396 --> 00:28:52.230
I mean, I…

565
00:28:54.649 --> 00:28:58.278
And if I can't, I just put a comma and see
if someone says something, you know?

566
00:28:58.862 --> 00:29:00.196
They're like, "Is that a comma?"

567
00:29:00.280 --> 00:29:03.700
I'm like, "Is it? My comma button
has been sticking on my phone." Uh…

568
00:29:07.328 --> 00:29:10.957
I remember nothing from school.
People talk about history to me, I'm like,

569
00:29:11.040 --> 00:29:14.377
"I don't know when you guys learned that.
I think we skipped all of this."

570
00:29:15.128 --> 00:29:18.715
I almost didn't graduate high school.
I had an F in science.

571
00:29:18.798 --> 00:29:22.177
I was taking a class called "Science"
my senior year in high school.

572
00:29:24.220 --> 00:29:25.972
I mean, I had an F.

573
00:29:26.055 --> 00:29:29.476
My dad went and talked to the teacher
and said, "Look, just give him a D."

574
00:29:29.559 --> 00:29:33.062
"He's not gonna do science stuff."
And the teacher agreed to it.

575
00:29:35.231 --> 00:29:38.276
She was that confident
I wouldn't touch the science world.

576
00:29:40.653 --> 00:29:45.325
I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it.

577
00:29:45.408 --> 00:29:50.663
And if you don't know ACTs, 18 is like,
"That's not good, man, but you made it."

578
00:29:50.747 --> 00:29:54.042
Seventeen, they're like, "I don't even…
Are you enrolled in this school?"

579
00:29:54.125 --> 00:29:55.835
"Like, what are you doing?"

580
00:29:58.129 --> 00:30:01.049
The only thing I remember
is in seventh grade,

581
00:30:01.132 --> 00:30:03.468
we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher.

582
00:30:04.636 --> 00:30:05.845
That stuck with me.

583
00:30:07.055 --> 00:30:10.683
He was too old to be in seventh grade.
He drove to seventh grade.

584
00:30:12.268 --> 00:30:15.063
If you're a seventh grade teacher,
and one of the kids drives,

585
00:30:15.146 --> 00:30:18.024
you just know you gotta fight
that kid one day. There's…

586
00:30:18.107 --> 00:30:20.109
It's just happening. Like, you…

587
00:30:21.361 --> 00:30:24.572
People always talk to me
very easy, too, or dumb.

588
00:30:24.656 --> 00:30:26.908
If I talk to a stranger,
I can always feel it.

589
00:30:26.991 --> 00:30:30.453
And I think it's my eyes.
I have big eyes, you know?

590
00:30:30.537 --> 00:30:33.623
And so I just get a lot of,
"You still with me, man?" And…

591
00:30:36.459 --> 00:30:39.170
I'm just sitting there, like,
"Yeah, man, I'm listening."

592
00:30:39.254 --> 00:30:42.006
He goes, "It felt like you could've
been anywhere, you know?"

593
00:30:45.426 --> 00:30:47.178
I got a reversible jacket at home,

594
00:30:47.262 --> 00:30:50.098
and I have two of them
'cause I didn't know it was reversible.

595
00:30:51.391 --> 00:30:54.644
Bought them at the same time,
tried them both on separately.

596
00:30:54.727 --> 00:30:57.897
Liked the black one, thought,
"Might as well get the blue one, too."

597
00:30:58.940 --> 00:31:01.734
Went and laid them up there,
and I remember they go, "Are you sure?"

598
00:31:01.818 --> 00:31:04.320
I go, "Yeah, I think I know
what I'm doing here, all right?"

599
00:31:08.825 --> 00:31:10.952
The dumbest I've ever been talked to…

600
00:31:11.035 --> 00:31:13.955
I like to golf,
and so a guy was telling me,

601
00:31:14.038 --> 00:31:16.457
there's a real golf course
in North Carolina

602
00:31:16.541 --> 00:31:18.918
where llamas are the caddies.

603
00:31:19.002 --> 00:31:22.797
So if you don't know anything about golf,
a caddy usually carries your bag around,

604
00:31:22.881 --> 00:31:25.341
tells you how far you are
from the hole, helps you out.

605
00:31:25.425 --> 00:31:27.093
So this course, they have llamas.

606
00:31:27.176 --> 00:31:30.555
So you put your golf bag on a llama
and it carries your bag.

607
00:31:30.638 --> 00:31:34.142
So he told me that,
and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes,

608
00:31:34.851 --> 00:31:37.770
and he goes, "Just so you know,
llamas can't talk, though."

609
00:31:41.733 --> 00:31:44.319
I mean, that's the question
he was trying to get ahead of

610
00:31:44.402 --> 00:31:46.446
as he looked into my stupid eyes.

611
00:31:47.530 --> 00:31:50.909
Like, he just… "I'm going to say it
so that guy doesn't have to say it."

612
00:31:52.911 --> 00:31:54.954
I'm just at the zoo
talking to the giraffes,

613
00:31:55.038 --> 00:31:57.457
"Hey, where you guys from?" You know?

614
00:31:57.540 --> 00:32:00.501
"I know where you're from,
but where are you 'from' from?"

615
00:32:00.585 --> 00:32:02.587
[helicopter whirring]

616
00:32:03.838 --> 00:32:05.173
I'm gonna let this one go by.

617
00:32:05.256 --> 00:32:08.092
You know, the hard part is
I see them coming before y'all,

618
00:32:08.176 --> 00:32:11.930
and I just see a blinking light,
like, five miles away,

619
00:32:12.013 --> 00:32:14.641
going, "That one looks
like it's coming," in my head.

620
00:32:14.724 --> 00:32:17.477
In my head, I'm just like,
"I think it's…" You know?

621
00:32:17.560 --> 00:32:20.730
Couple times I've looked,
and it was just stars. Uh…

622
00:32:22.690 --> 00:32:26.527
Honestly, I look up and I'll be like,
"That one's not moving that quick." Uh…

623
00:32:28.237 --> 00:32:30.073
"Feel like one's
just sitting on top of us."

624
00:32:30.156 --> 00:32:32.867
You're like, "Ah, it's the moon."
"Is it?" Uh…

625
00:32:34.953 --> 00:32:36.996
So I'm 41 years old.

626
00:32:37.080 --> 00:32:38.706
And when I turned 40,

627
00:32:38.790 --> 00:32:41.000
40 was the first age
I did not want to turn.

628
00:32:41.084 --> 00:32:43.002
I remember my parents turning 40.

629
00:32:43.086 --> 00:32:44.462
It just feels old.

630
00:32:44.545 --> 00:32:46.673
And it's also the age that you do realize

631
00:32:46.756 --> 00:32:49.133
everybody you're talking to,
you are older than.

632
00:32:49.634 --> 00:32:53.429
Before you're 40,
I think everybody you talk to is your age,

633
00:32:53.513 --> 00:32:56.557
and for some reason, when you turn 40,
you're just older than that…

634
00:32:56.641 --> 00:32:59.519
I'll be talking to them, like,
"Remember that? It was '97, '98."

635
00:32:59.602 --> 00:33:02.647
"I wasn't born yet." You're like,
"Golly! Are you serious, dude?"

636
00:33:03.231 --> 00:33:05.191
"In my eyes, we look the same."

637
00:33:06.317 --> 00:33:07.318
"Where's your dad at?"

638
00:33:07.402 --> 00:33:10.697
"Let me talk to him,
'cause I swear I thought you were my age."

639
00:33:13.825 --> 00:33:17.161
One thing I got
when I hit my forties was claustrophobia.

640
00:33:17.245 --> 00:33:18.079
Never had it,

641
00:33:18.162 --> 00:33:22.208
actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride,
which is what's crazy.

642
00:33:22.750 --> 00:33:26.546
I mean, we're 100 yards away
from where my life fell apart.

643
00:33:28.631 --> 00:33:32.677
I rode that ride with my daughter,
and we're sitting on it, and there's…

644
00:33:32.760 --> 00:33:35.471
We had another buddy,
and he has his two girls on.

645
00:33:35.555 --> 00:33:37.598
So we sit there,
and they pull the bar down,

646
00:33:37.682 --> 00:33:40.643
and the bar…
My leg gets stuck in the middle,

647
00:33:40.727 --> 00:33:44.230
and it just opened a door
that I never knew was there.

648
00:33:44.313 --> 00:33:47.567
I mean, it's just… It is like a problem.
I had to stop the ride.

649
00:33:47.650 --> 00:33:50.987
It's super embarrassing
to stop a child's ride

650
00:33:51.070 --> 00:33:53.614
and just be like…
I'm just waving, like, "I can't do it."

651
00:33:53.698 --> 00:33:56.200
Then they open the bar and go,
"You can do it again."

652
00:33:56.284 --> 00:33:57.285
I was like, "I'm out."

653
00:33:57.368 --> 00:33:59.954
And just, no one got to ride it
'cause I couldn't ride it.

654
00:34:00.038 --> 00:34:01.372
We all had to leave.

655
00:34:01.456 --> 00:34:02.832
Yeah, ruined it for everybody.

656
00:34:02.915 --> 00:34:03.791
Uh…

657
00:34:04.542 --> 00:34:07.795
And that's claustrophobia,
just kind of ruins everybody's time.

658
00:34:08.504 --> 00:34:09.714
It's the… What's funny…

659
00:34:09.797 --> 00:34:12.300
The panic of claustrophobia
is pretty funny, though.

660
00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:16.637
It's not funny when it's happening to you,
but how quick you go from normal

661
00:34:16.721 --> 00:34:21.142
to just an insane person, is just…
It's all at the same time.

662
00:34:21.225 --> 00:34:24.729
So it's all kind of new to me,
so I forget I have it,

663
00:34:24.812 --> 00:34:27.774
and I'll put myself in a situation,
and I go, "There it is."

664
00:34:27.857 --> 00:34:31.360
I got in an Uber once
with, like, seven people.

665
00:34:31.444 --> 00:34:34.781
We get in, I go, "I'll get
in the third row." Try to be a good guy.

666
00:34:34.864 --> 00:34:37.492
I climb in the back,
they put all the seats up,

667
00:34:37.575 --> 00:34:39.077
and it just starts hitting me.

668
00:34:39.160 --> 00:34:40.578
I'm back there, like… [sighs]

669
00:34:40.661 --> 00:34:43.956
Just trying to be normal,
you know, not talking.

670
00:34:44.040 --> 00:34:46.709
Then you go, "Hey, you think
you can roll the window down?"

671
00:34:46.793 --> 00:34:49.587
"You know what, can everybody
just get out of the van real fast?"

672
00:34:51.339 --> 00:34:52.757
[chuckling] Just…

673
00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:56.094
We're just driving down the interstate.
"Could y'all crack the window?"

674
00:34:56.177 --> 00:34:59.263
"Do you mind if I drive the Uber?
You think I could drive it?"

675
00:35:04.143 --> 00:35:07.188
So I was born in 1979.

676
00:35:07.271 --> 00:35:09.065
And the reason I say that,

677
00:35:09.148 --> 00:35:12.068
'cause if you are my age
or just right around my age,

678
00:35:12.151 --> 00:35:14.654
very, like… Maybe '78 to '80,

679
00:35:14.737 --> 00:35:17.240
you might realize,
or maybe you don't know,

680
00:35:17.323 --> 00:35:20.243
I've never been called
a Millennial or Generation X.

681
00:35:20.326 --> 00:35:23.371
I'd never even really heard
any of those terms growing up,

682
00:35:23.454 --> 00:35:25.665
and now you hear them all the time.

683
00:35:25.748 --> 00:35:28.126
So I looked it up to see,
I was like, "What am I?"

684
00:35:28.209 --> 00:35:29.669
And I'm technically nothing.

685
00:35:29.752 --> 00:35:31.462
I'm on a cusp.

686
00:35:31.546 --> 00:35:33.339
I'm a generation gap.

687
00:35:33.422 --> 00:35:35.883
And what we are called… Xennials,

688
00:35:35.967 --> 00:35:38.344
or we're called
<i>The Oregon Trail </i>generation.

689
00:35:38.427 --> 00:35:41.305
Or we're called…
My favorite name is The Lucky Ones.

690
00:35:41.889 --> 00:35:43.516
And it's true. We're very lucky.

691
00:35:43.599 --> 00:35:45.852
We actually grew up
in two different worlds.

692
00:35:45.935 --> 00:35:48.312
When I was a kid,
I grew up like it was the '50s.

693
00:35:48.396 --> 00:35:51.732
You would go outside, and your parents
just didn't know where you were.

694
00:35:51.816 --> 00:35:55.820
We went to school and played
<i>Oregon Trail </i>on a computer at school.

695
00:35:55.903 --> 00:35:58.656
No one had a computer at home.
"What are you, a zillionaire?"

696
00:35:58.739 --> 00:36:00.032
Like, I mean, you couldn't…

697
00:36:01.325 --> 00:36:03.870
But then in high school, I had AOL.

698
00:36:03.953 --> 00:36:05.204
We had a computer at home.

699
00:36:05.288 --> 00:36:07.748
Then I got a beeper,
and then I got a cellphone.

700
00:36:07.832 --> 00:36:11.460
I didn't have social media until I was 26,
with Myspace, you know?

701
00:36:11.544 --> 00:36:13.087
I mean, social media, like…

702
00:36:13.171 --> 00:36:16.299
Whatever I did in high school's a rumor.
It can't ruin my life.

703
00:36:19.552 --> 00:36:22.013
So if you're around my age,
you might realize,

704
00:36:22.096 --> 00:36:24.515
you end up always being in the middle.
Like, I understand.

705
00:36:24.599 --> 00:36:26.809
When a Gen-X'er says something,
you're like, "I get it."

706
00:36:26.893 --> 00:36:28.561
A Millennial says something, "I get it."

707
00:36:28.644 --> 00:36:31.898
You always feel in the middle.
And these groups all hate each other.

708
00:36:31.981 --> 00:36:34.442
The most I've ever felt
where I was in the middle

709
00:36:34.525 --> 00:36:36.944
is just this one hotel that I stayed at.

710
00:36:37.028 --> 00:36:39.322
So a lot of hotels now,
they have Chromecast,

711
00:36:39.405 --> 00:36:41.782
and you can watch Netflix
in your hotel room.

712
00:36:41.866 --> 00:36:44.493
So I'm watching.
I get in my room, and I turn it on.

713
00:36:44.577 --> 00:36:47.872
My Chromecast is not working.
So I called down to the front desk,

714
00:36:47.955 --> 00:36:50.625
and the oldest voice I ever heard
answered the phone.

715
00:36:50.708 --> 00:36:53.794
This guy was a Civil War survivor.
I mean, he…

716
00:36:54.795 --> 00:36:57.632
He was the age where you just go,
"Thank you for your service."

717
00:36:57.715 --> 00:37:00.176
Like, "Was he in the Army?"
You're like, "Probably, man."

718
00:37:00.259 --> 00:37:03.262
"There's an age where they all had to go
at that age, so just say it."

719
00:37:03.346 --> 00:37:04.305
Uh…

720
00:37:05.556 --> 00:37:08.100
So I tell him,
"Hey, my Chromecast is not working."

721
00:37:08.184 --> 00:37:11.062
I could've just made up a word.
He's never heard of that.

722
00:37:11.145 --> 00:37:13.731
I could have said,
"My beep-bop broke." I mean…

723
00:37:16.400 --> 00:37:18.945
He asked if I was staying at that hotel.
That's how confused…

724
00:37:19.028 --> 00:37:20.363
He goes, "Are you staying here?"

725
00:37:20.446 --> 00:37:24.242
I was like, "Do you think I've called
a front desk from a different hotel room?"

726
00:37:27.828 --> 00:37:30.248
So he goes,
"Look, I don't know what this is,

727
00:37:30.331 --> 00:37:33.334
but there's a younger guy here.
I'll send him up. He'll help you."

728
00:37:33.417 --> 00:37:34.585
And I was like, "Great."

729
00:37:34.669 --> 00:37:37.505
So that guy comes up
and he knocks on my door, I open it.

730
00:37:37.588 --> 00:37:41.008
He's my dad's age. Right when I see him,
you're like, "All right, dude."

731
00:37:41.092 --> 00:37:43.552
"We don't have to do this."
You know? I mean…

732
00:37:43.636 --> 00:37:45.054
"I know you've heard of it,

733
00:37:45.137 --> 00:37:47.848
but if I can't fix it,
you're not gonna be able to fix it."

734
00:37:47.932 --> 00:37:51.560
But he's the generation
that still wants to give it a try, so…

735
00:37:53.020 --> 00:37:54.146
I gotta let him in.

736
00:37:54.230 --> 00:37:58.067
So he comes in my room, sits on my bed,
a little too far back, I thought.

737
00:37:58.150 --> 00:37:59.110
Uh…

738
00:38:00.945 --> 00:38:03.781
I just remember the back of his calves
were touching the bed,

739
00:38:03.864 --> 00:38:07.618
and I was like, "Are your feet dangling?
How far back are you gonna go?" Uh…

740
00:38:09.453 --> 00:38:11.747
"Are you cold?
Do you want some covers, man?"

741
00:38:14.250 --> 00:38:16.961
He gets the remote
and just starts pressing all the buttons.

742
00:38:17.044 --> 00:38:18.879
I said, "I don't know if that'll do it."

743
00:38:18.963 --> 00:38:20.881
He goes, "Let's just keep
trying it, though."

744
00:38:20.965 --> 00:38:22.633
I go, "All right." Uh… [chuckles]

745
00:38:22.717 --> 00:38:25.553
"I'll turn the shower on, open a window.
Let's try everything."

746
00:38:25.636 --> 00:38:29.015
"Let's just see. Maybe it turns on.
Who knows? Maybe it's all connected."

747
00:38:31.309 --> 00:38:33.185
We can't get it, and he goes, "All right,

748
00:38:33.269 --> 00:38:35.604
there's a younger guy,
he's about to come to work."

749
00:38:35.688 --> 00:38:37.732
At this point I'm like,
<i>"I'm</i> the younger guy."

750
00:38:37.815 --> 00:38:40.109
I was like,
"It's all right, dude. I don't need it."

751
00:38:40.192 --> 00:38:41.610
He goes, "No, it's a Millennial."

752
00:38:41.694 --> 00:38:44.238
And I was like,
"Now we're getting somewhere," you know?

753
00:38:44.822 --> 00:38:47.867
"This is what the Millennial does.
He was born with technology."

754
00:38:47.950 --> 00:38:50.745
"He'll know how to fix this."
I was excited. I was like, "Great."

755
00:38:50.828 --> 00:38:53.331
He goes, "He comes to work in an hour."
I go, "Wonderful."

756
00:38:53.414 --> 00:38:55.958
Let me tell you, know how quick
that Millennial fixed it?

757
00:38:56.042 --> 00:38:59.420
I'll never know, 'cause he just didn't
come to work that night, so…

758
00:39:03.924 --> 00:39:05.259
Didn't call in, nothing.

759
00:39:05.343 --> 00:39:09.055
I found out 'cause the old guy called me
'cause he was supposed to fill in for him.

760
00:39:09.138 --> 00:39:11.807
He was furious, dude.
He hates that Millennial.

761
00:39:11.891 --> 00:39:14.518
He goes, "He never comes to work,
he doesn't take it serious,

762
00:39:14.602 --> 00:39:15.853
he's got a peanut allergy."

763
00:39:15.936 --> 00:39:17.396
I was like, "All right, well…"

764
00:39:20.566 --> 00:39:23.736
I ended up fixing it myself
because it was just unplugged.

765
00:39:23.819 --> 00:39:26.447
So, yeah, that's my fault.

766
00:39:26.530 --> 00:39:27.406
Uh…

767
00:39:28.324 --> 00:39:29.658
[laughs]

768
00:39:29.742 --> 00:39:31.202
The next morning,

769
00:39:31.285 --> 00:39:33.704
I dealt with my daughter's generation.

770
00:39:33.788 --> 00:39:37.583
Which is a generation that I feel like
just thinks about themselves, you know?

771
00:39:37.666 --> 00:39:40.461
And so I go down to breakfast,
they have the breakfast buffet.

772
00:39:40.544 --> 00:39:41.754
We're all going through it,

773
00:39:41.837 --> 00:39:44.715
this little girl's in front of me,
and she has waffles.

774
00:39:44.799 --> 00:39:46.008
So she gets a waffle,

775
00:39:46.092 --> 00:39:48.844
and there's a coffee pot worth
of syrup sitting on a plate.

776
00:39:48.928 --> 00:39:51.389
So you pour it and
you leave it back on the plate,

777
00:39:51.472 --> 00:39:53.432
and then you go and eat your breakfast.

778
00:39:53.516 --> 00:39:57.478
So she gets the syrup,
and she just takes it to her table.

779
00:39:58.354 --> 00:40:00.272
So now the syrup's gone.

780
00:40:00.356 --> 00:40:02.733
And I see this happen,
but no one else does,

781
00:40:02.817 --> 00:40:05.736
so I'm hearing people go through
and asking where the syrup's at.

782
00:40:05.820 --> 00:40:07.405
It's starting to become a problem.

783
00:40:07.488 --> 00:40:10.741
People are like, "Where's the syrup?"
The hotel's like, "I don't know."

784
00:40:10.825 --> 00:40:13.327
"That's all the syrup we have,
was out there."

785
00:40:14.787 --> 00:40:17.415
I know where it's at,
but I'm not trying to get involved.

786
00:40:17.498 --> 00:40:18.749
I didn't wake up and think,

787
00:40:18.833 --> 00:40:21.252
"I hope I get to talk
to everybody this morning."

788
00:40:23.170 --> 00:40:25.089
When you roll out of bed, you're not like,

789
00:40:25.172 --> 00:40:27.675
"I hope I'm about to get
in the thick of it down there."

790
00:40:29.343 --> 00:40:31.971
So I'm just trying to say stuff
as I walk by people.

791
00:40:32.054 --> 00:40:34.974
"Maybe someone took it to their table,
look around, maybe."

792
00:40:35.057 --> 00:40:36.392
I just, like, keep going.

793
00:40:36.475 --> 00:40:39.520
"You see that little girl's table
over there? Maybe they have it."

794
00:40:41.147 --> 00:40:43.816
And no one's picking up on this.
So I just have to go get it.

795
00:40:43.899 --> 00:40:45.985
This girl's sitting
with a bunch of her friends.

796
00:40:46.068 --> 00:40:47.611
So I go over to them,

797
00:40:47.695 --> 00:40:50.156
and I was like,
"Hey, can we get that syrup back?"

798
00:40:50.239 --> 00:40:52.283
"That's kind of for the entire hotel."

799
00:40:52.366 --> 00:40:56.495
And she goes… They go, "Whatever."
All of them just blew me off.

800
00:40:57.246 --> 00:40:58.664
Then the father in me kicks in.

801
00:40:58.747 --> 00:41:01.417
I go, "All right. Just a heads up,
just so you guys know,

802
00:41:01.500 --> 00:41:04.837
I did nothing wrong, and you guys
have ruined breakfast for everybody."

803
00:41:06.130 --> 00:41:08.966
"I don't know if you've ever
eaten out in public before,

804
00:41:09.049 --> 00:41:11.302
but do you see me over here
with the tub of eggs?"

805
00:41:11.385 --> 00:41:12.720
"Do I have all the eggs?"

806
00:41:13.679 --> 00:41:15.973
"You did everything else,
and for some reason you thought,

807
00:41:16.056 --> 00:41:18.851
'I bet this is all my syrup.'
And where are your parents at?"

808
00:41:18.934 --> 00:41:21.854
A couple of them started crying.
Felt good, to be honest.

809
00:41:23.731 --> 00:41:25.191
I was away for a little bit.

810
00:41:25.274 --> 00:41:28.068
I like to practice on other children,
you know, my discipline.

811
00:41:31.739 --> 00:41:34.492
And to make fun of my generation,

812
00:41:34.575 --> 00:41:37.077
just so it doesn't seem
like I'm trying to skip over.

813
00:41:37.161 --> 00:41:40.706
Another hotel I was at…
Another syrup incident, actually.

814
00:41:40.789 --> 00:41:42.958
I mean, I'm a big fan
of waffles with syrup.

815
00:41:43.042 --> 00:41:45.628
I'm around syrup quite a bit, and…

816
00:41:46.504 --> 00:41:49.340
We're at a Holiday Inn Express,
so the breakfast buffet there,

817
00:41:49.423 --> 00:41:53.010
they have the cereal where you turn
the knob and four pieces fall out.

818
00:41:53.093 --> 00:41:55.846
It's like how you feed a cat
for a long weekend, you know?

819
00:41:55.930 --> 00:41:57.681
You're like, "That's enough." Uh…

820
00:41:59.141 --> 00:42:00.559
They had batter and syrup.

821
00:42:00.643 --> 00:42:02.937
They had the waffle iron
where you make it yourself.

822
00:42:03.020 --> 00:42:06.190
You pour batter on the waffle iron,
you shut it, turn it over, it locks.

823
00:42:06.273 --> 00:42:09.026
It cooks for two minutes,
you turn it over, you open it.

824
00:42:09.109 --> 00:42:11.695
Half the waffle comes off,
half stays forever.

825
00:42:13.364 --> 00:42:14.823
That's how you eat a waffle.

826
00:42:16.116 --> 00:42:19.954
I'm with a buddy of mine that's my age,
so we go through, he's in front of me.

827
00:42:20.037 --> 00:42:22.748
Not really talking or anything,
just going through.

828
00:42:22.831 --> 00:42:25.793
He gets to it. The batter and syrup,
they're in clear containers.

829
00:42:25.876 --> 00:42:28.295
They're not labeled,
but they're in clear containers.

830
00:42:28.379 --> 00:42:31.298
He gets the syrup
and starts pouring it on the waffle iron.

831
00:42:32.299 --> 00:42:34.760
I'm not even stopping him,
'cause he's not doing it,

832
00:42:34.843 --> 00:42:36.387
going, "I've never done it."

833
00:42:36.470 --> 00:42:39.557
He's doing it where
we're probably going to try it after.

834
00:42:39.640 --> 00:42:41.475
I mean, he's just like…

835
00:42:41.559 --> 00:42:44.645
You're like, "Dude, I can't wait
to see what this guy's making."

836
00:42:44.728 --> 00:42:47.106
"He might know something
that I don't know."

837
00:42:47.189 --> 00:42:49.650
He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks.

838
00:42:49.733 --> 00:42:52.611
He's looking at us, we're like…
I mean, the whole line's like,

839
00:42:52.695 --> 00:42:54.613
"Yeah, what is that going to be?"

840
00:42:57.199 --> 00:43:00.160
And it makes black smoke,
is what it makes.

841
00:43:00.244 --> 00:43:05.040
Just, I mean, dark, black smoke
just starts filling the lobby.

842
00:43:05.124 --> 00:43:07.042
The manager comes over.
"What are you doing?"

843
00:43:07.126 --> 00:43:09.670
"I guess I poured the wrong one.
These are not labeled."

844
00:43:09.753 --> 00:43:12.339
The guy's like,
"They're in clear containers."

845
00:43:13.799 --> 00:43:16.010
Do you not know
the difference of batter and syrup?"

846
00:43:16.093 --> 00:43:17.845
He's like,
"I bet it happens all the time."

847
00:43:17.928 --> 00:43:20.472
He goes, "I've worked here
my whole life, I've never seen this."

848
00:43:23.017 --> 00:43:25.311
So they threw the waffle iron…
They just throw it away.

849
00:43:25.394 --> 00:43:28.480
That's what they have to do,
just throw it away. It's over.

850
00:43:28.564 --> 00:43:31.442
Now there's no waffles.
We went from "all about to get a waffle,"

851
00:43:31.525 --> 00:43:33.736
to "it's upside down in a trash can."

852
00:43:36.447 --> 00:43:38.157
Then he just turns and looks,

853
00:43:38.240 --> 00:43:41.577
and it's just a line of people
with that little foam plate.

854
00:43:43.329 --> 00:43:44.997
And just everybody's sad.

855
00:43:45.956 --> 00:43:49.251
I just hear someone in the back go,
"I set my alarm for this."

856
00:43:52.838 --> 00:43:56.300
Two guys didn't have shoes on, "I ran down
with no shoes in that elevator."

857
00:43:56.383 --> 00:43:57.885
"I thought I was gonna miss it."

858
00:44:01.221 --> 00:44:04.558
So my parents are in their sixties.

859
00:44:04.642 --> 00:44:09.396
And when your parents hit their sixties,
just so you know, you kinda realize…

860
00:44:09.480 --> 00:44:12.191
You go, "All right,
I'm in charge of this family now,"

861
00:44:12.274 --> 00:44:13.150
you know?

862
00:44:14.652 --> 00:44:16.779
They don't give it up,
they don't offer it away.

863
00:44:16.862 --> 00:44:20.324
They just start doing stuff that
you're like, "I don't know," you know?

864
00:44:21.325 --> 00:44:24.787
We went to the store the other day,
and we walk back to the car.

865
00:44:24.870 --> 00:44:27.581
We were in the store for an hour.
We walk back, my dad's…

866
00:44:27.665 --> 00:44:29.583
The driver's side door is wide open.

867
00:44:31.543 --> 00:44:32.586
He drove,

868
00:44:33.545 --> 00:44:37.007
got open the door to go inside,
and just kept walking.

869
00:44:39.218 --> 00:44:41.178
He's been driving for 50 years.

870
00:44:41.929 --> 00:44:43.639
And I know cars are getting crazy,

871
00:44:43.722 --> 00:44:46.350
but one thing that's stayed
the same in all these 50 years

872
00:44:46.433 --> 00:44:48.560
is you gotta open
and shut that front door.

873
00:44:51.772 --> 00:44:54.024
My dad wore my mom's pants to a funeral.

874
00:44:56.860 --> 00:44:59.738
That was the day I was like,
"We can't listen to this guy no more,"

875
00:44:59.822 --> 00:45:00.948
you know?

876
00:45:01.615 --> 00:45:04.368
"We gotta go get him.
He doesn't know what's happening."

877
00:45:06.328 --> 00:45:10.457
It usually starts happening when you start
doing the holidays at your house

878
00:45:10.541 --> 00:45:13.168
instead of your parents' house.
That's when it starts.

879
00:45:13.252 --> 00:45:17.756
And so my parents, once we did that,
they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome.

880
00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:20.300
So they still wanted to do
Thanksgiving at their house,

881
00:45:20.384 --> 00:45:21.969
but they don't have the room for us.

882
00:45:22.052 --> 00:45:23.804
There's, like, 20 of us.

883
00:45:23.887 --> 00:45:27.182
It's like a college kid being like,
"Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?"

884
00:45:28.142 --> 00:45:29.476
There's a table for four,

885
00:45:29.560 --> 00:45:32.563
and then they have to put
a train of TV trays and nightstands

886
00:45:32.646 --> 00:45:35.149
that just weaves down this hallway.

887
00:45:35.232 --> 00:45:38.193
You're sitting on stairs.
We made the kids go eat in the car.

888
00:45:38.277 --> 00:45:41.029
We just go, "Go back in the car.
You can't even eat inside."

889
00:45:41.613 --> 00:45:42.990
My mom didn't have ketchup.

890
00:45:43.073 --> 00:45:46.034
I was like, "Everybody just has ketchup.
It just comes in houses."

891
00:45:46.952 --> 00:45:48.579
If I went to some alcoholic's house,

892
00:45:48.662 --> 00:45:50.748
he'd have ketchup.
His whole family'd be gone,

893
00:45:50.831 --> 00:45:53.876
but I'd say, "You have ketchup?"
He'd be like, "I'm not that gone, man."

894
00:45:57.421 --> 00:46:00.132
So I was… I grew up in the '80s and '90s.

895
00:46:00.215 --> 00:46:02.009
I was a kid in the '80s and '90s.

896
00:46:02.092 --> 00:46:06.013
During the '80s and '90s, kids were
getting kidnapped pretty rapidly.

897
00:46:07.514 --> 00:46:11.351
And look, I'm not trying to say
we were more desirable or something.

898
00:46:11.435 --> 00:46:12.311
I…

899
00:46:14.438 --> 00:46:17.483
I think we were outside more,
a lot more opportunity, you know?

900
00:46:17.566 --> 00:46:19.943
Also a lot easier to get us into vans.

901
00:46:20.694 --> 00:46:22.780
Uh, didn't take much. And…

902
00:46:23.655 --> 00:46:28.035
So parents back then, they would watch TV,
and I think it would scare the parents.

903
00:46:28.118 --> 00:46:30.704
You know, you realize now,
now everything's a crime show.

904
00:46:30.788 --> 00:46:34.082
Everything you watch is crime,
podcasts are crime, movies are crime.

905
00:46:34.166 --> 00:46:35.417
You almost see it so much.

906
00:46:35.501 --> 00:46:37.419
But back then,
you only had so many channels,

907
00:46:37.503 --> 00:46:40.464
and when they'd watch these shows,
they were very powerful shows.

908
00:46:40.547 --> 00:46:43.717
My parents used to watch
a show called <i>Rescue 911,</i>

909
00:46:43.801 --> 00:46:45.969
and it would just show
reenactments of crimes,

910
00:46:46.053 --> 00:46:46.970
and it was powerful.

911
00:46:47.054 --> 00:46:49.181
I've seen three seconds of <i>Rescue 911.</i>

912
00:46:49.264 --> 00:46:51.183
I remember
walking through the living room,

913
00:46:51.266 --> 00:46:54.686
my parents are watching it,
I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on,

914
00:46:54.770 --> 00:46:57.439
a woman is asleep with her feet out
from under the covers,

915
00:46:57.523 --> 00:46:59.149
and he started rubbing her foot.

916
00:46:59.733 --> 00:47:01.610
That's all I saw. I kept walking.

917
00:47:02.319 --> 00:47:04.196
I don't know what happened
before or after,

918
00:47:04.279 --> 00:47:07.908
but I know I've never been able to sleep
with my feet out from under the covers,

919
00:47:08.617 --> 00:47:11.620
because I accidentally
saw that 30 years ago.

920
00:47:12.246 --> 00:47:15.874
And my feet get so hot,
and I want to put 'em out so bad.

921
00:47:17.251 --> 00:47:21.797
I mean, I try it every night for 30 years,

922
00:47:21.880 --> 00:47:25.634
and then that image pops in my head,
and I yank 'em right back under.

923
00:47:27.386 --> 00:47:28.595
I'll be in a hotel room

924
00:47:28.679 --> 00:47:31.348
like, "He can't get in here, dude,
you've locked everything."

925
00:47:31.431 --> 00:47:33.684
I'm like, "That's exactly
what he's been waiting for."

926
00:47:33.767 --> 00:47:35.394
"He's probably already in here."

927
00:47:39.439 --> 00:47:43.569
So my parents, I think, watched
a <i>Rescue 911</i> where a kid went missing,

928
00:47:43.652 --> 00:47:44.987
so it got 'em scared.

929
00:47:45.070 --> 00:47:48.156
And I think they took it as,
"Look, you guys are getting kidnapped."

930
00:47:48.240 --> 00:47:50.659
"There's nothing we can do.
It's happening."

931
00:47:50.742 --> 00:47:52.870
So they wanted us to be prepared for it.

932
00:47:52.953 --> 00:47:55.831
So instead of, like,
I don't know, self-defense,

933
00:47:55.914 --> 00:47:59.418
give us a gun, I don't know,
something, what they did was…

934
00:47:59.501 --> 00:48:02.421
You know how you always hand out
flyers if a kid goes missing?

935
00:48:02.504 --> 00:48:04.715
They're like,
"Let's just get that flyer ready."

936
00:48:05.924 --> 00:48:07.843
"We'll just do that," you know?

937
00:48:08.760 --> 00:48:10.888
If a kid goes missing,
they always have a flyer.

938
00:48:10.971 --> 00:48:13.515
They put a picture of the kid
and all the information below,

939
00:48:13.599 --> 00:48:15.726
so the height, weight,
eye color, all that stuff.

940
00:48:15.809 --> 00:48:18.186
So instead of making a flyer,
what they made us do

941
00:48:18.270 --> 00:48:22.691
was we wrote on a piece of paper
our name, height, weight, eye color,

942
00:48:22.774 --> 00:48:25.569
and then we just held it
up against the wall,

943
00:48:25.652 --> 00:48:27.529
and they just took a picture of us.

944
00:48:28.530 --> 00:48:31.408
So the picture is
us holding our own information.

945
00:48:34.828 --> 00:48:38.040
And they said, "When the cops are like,
'Hey, let's get a flyer ready,'

946
00:48:38.123 --> 00:48:41.501
we'll be like, 'Well,
we've been rooting for this to happen.'"

947
00:48:42.461 --> 00:48:45.380
"'We already have one made.'
We'll give that to the police."

948
00:48:45.464 --> 00:48:49.301
Which, if we would have been kidnapped,
my parents would be in prison right now.

949
00:48:50.344 --> 00:48:53.096
No one's going to believe
you pre-took pictures.

950
00:48:53.180 --> 00:48:56.350
They'll just look at this and be like,
"Just tell us where the kids are at."

951
00:48:56.433 --> 00:48:59.436
"That would be the easiest thing to do.
I've never seen this ever."

952
00:49:01.647 --> 00:49:03.523
They had to go get that
printed at Walmart too.

953
00:49:03.607 --> 00:49:05.359
You couldn't do that at home.

954
00:49:05.442 --> 00:49:07.611
You had to go show people
that you're crazy.

955
00:49:08.403 --> 00:49:10.447
We walked in Walmart.
The guy's probably like,

956
00:49:10.530 --> 00:49:14.242
"Could I talk to your kids by themselves
for a bit? I'd love to chat with them."

957
00:49:16.119 --> 00:49:19.247
So I'm, uh, married as well.

958
00:49:20.040 --> 00:49:23.460
We… Me and my wife just celebrated
our 14th wedding anniversary.

959
00:49:23.543 --> 00:49:25.712
-And… Thank you.
-[audience applauds]

960
00:49:27.798 --> 00:49:30.342
Uh, we've been together for 20 years,

961
00:49:30.425 --> 00:49:33.303
and I met her,
it was before I ever started comedy.

962
00:49:33.387 --> 00:49:36.223
We both worked at Applebee's together,
is where we met.

963
00:49:36.306 --> 00:49:39.393
We're big Applebee's fans
still to this day.

964
00:49:39.476 --> 00:49:40.852
-[helicopter whirring]
-Hold on.

965
00:49:40.936 --> 00:49:44.690
Let me just… It feels like…
Yeah, that's a good one.

966
00:49:47.025 --> 00:49:49.361
How many…
Are they not all doing the same job?

967
00:49:49.444 --> 00:49:50.529
You know, like…

968
00:49:51.738 --> 00:49:53.782
Wouldn't they just be
like, "I'm already over here,

969
00:49:53.865 --> 00:49:56.034
so you don't gotta come over here,"
you know?

970
00:49:56.118 --> 00:49:58.662
That's what they should do.
They should talk more.

971
00:49:58.745 --> 00:50:02.207
"I'm over here," and he goes,
"Okay, I didn't realize you were over--"

972
00:50:02.290 --> 00:50:05.544
He's like, "Yeah, so don't go.
I'll stay here, and you stay over there."

973
00:50:05.627 --> 00:50:08.588
"That's our main thing, is that
we can stay right here, you know?"

974
00:50:11.967 --> 00:50:12.884
All right.

975
00:50:12.968 --> 00:50:15.137
So my wife and I, we met at Applebee's.

976
00:50:15.220 --> 00:50:17.222
And before I ever started comedy.

977
00:50:17.305 --> 00:50:19.766
I was a host, and she was a server.

978
00:50:19.850 --> 00:50:21.893
And someone asked her recently, they said,

979
00:50:21.977 --> 00:50:25.355
"Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine
when you started dating

980
00:50:25.439 --> 00:50:27.733
that your lives would become
all that it's become?"

981
00:50:27.816 --> 00:50:29.735
She said, "When I met him, he was a host,

982
00:50:29.818 --> 00:50:32.571
and I didn't think he was
smart enough to be a server."

983
00:50:32.654 --> 00:50:34.239
So, yeah.

984
00:50:34.322 --> 00:50:37.242
We've gone a little bit farther
than I expected. You know?

985
00:50:37.325 --> 00:50:38.368
[chuckles]

986
00:50:38.452 --> 00:50:40.287
I told her
I wanted to be a server one day.

987
00:50:40.370 --> 00:50:42.664
She's like, "You keep
dreaming that dream, all right?"

988
00:50:42.748 --> 00:50:45.542
"I think if you try hard,
you can get that menu memorized."

989
00:50:48.336 --> 00:50:52.507
Me and my wife…
So I'm the dreamer of our group.

990
00:50:52.591 --> 00:50:56.303
I feel like in a marriage,
one of you is a dreamer, you know,

991
00:50:56.386 --> 00:51:00.057
"Money's not real, let's have fun,
let's go do fun stuff as much as we can."

992
00:51:00.140 --> 00:51:01.933
And the other person hates fun.

993
00:51:03.977 --> 00:51:05.395
That's how you make a marriage.

994
00:51:05.479 --> 00:51:08.190
You can't have two dreamers,
you'll be homeless in an hour.

995
00:51:09.441 --> 00:51:10.901
You need someone that walks around,

996
00:51:10.984 --> 00:51:13.111
"Is fun happening?
I'd like to put a stop to that."

997
00:51:13.820 --> 00:51:17.032
"Are y'all having fun? Stop it.
Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off."

998
00:51:18.450 --> 00:51:20.660
I married my dad, is who I married.

999
00:51:21.244 --> 00:51:25.582
My dad, who I thought air conditioning
cost $100,000 a day to run it.

1000
00:51:27.542 --> 00:51:30.962
We'd be on car rides, I thought
if you turned it on, your car exploded.

1001
00:51:31.046 --> 00:51:33.340
Like, just gas, you were out immediately.

1002
00:51:33.423 --> 00:51:35.217
"Someone turn the air conditioner on?"

1003
00:51:36.051 --> 00:51:39.638
My wife's always around too, I feel.
Just always, like, near, you know…

1004
00:51:39.721 --> 00:51:41.890
Especially at home,
it's like I married a cat.

1005
00:51:41.973 --> 00:51:44.017
I'm like, "You're just always on me."

1006
00:51:45.769 --> 00:51:48.897
If I go to the bathroom, she's like,
"I'm gonna paint the bathroom door

1007
00:51:48.980 --> 00:51:50.148
while you're in there."

1008
00:51:51.233 --> 00:51:54.486
I'm like, "You couldn't do it later?"
"No, I had all the time to do it."

1009
00:51:54.569 --> 00:51:57.697
"I thought I'd wait till you went in,
that's when I was gonna start."

1010
00:51:59.950 --> 00:52:03.161
If I eat something she doesn't approve of,
she just pops up, man.

1011
00:52:03.745 --> 00:52:05.080
I mean, I'll try to sneak it.

1012
00:52:05.163 --> 00:52:09.084
I could eat an Oreo cookie
in the attic at 3:00 a.m.,

1013
00:52:09.167 --> 00:52:11.628
and I would bet my life
a light would cut on

1014
00:52:11.711 --> 00:52:14.089
and she'd be like,
"What are you doing up here?"

1015
00:52:16.508 --> 00:52:18.844
If I question it, like,
"What are you doing here?"

1016
00:52:18.927 --> 00:52:21.763
She's like, "I'm always here.
This is when I do my attic stuff."

1017
00:52:26.143 --> 00:52:28.103
She put Life360 on my phone,

1018
00:52:28.186 --> 00:52:30.564
so they can track you
even when they're not near you.

1019
00:52:30.647 --> 00:52:32.983
You might not even know
you have it on your phone.

1020
00:52:33.066 --> 00:52:35.443
It's worse than
what the government's doing.

1021
00:52:35.527 --> 00:52:38.238
I would rather
the government track me than her.

1022
00:52:39.030 --> 00:52:41.199
She calls me,
"Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?"

1023
00:52:41.283 --> 00:52:43.618
I'm like, "I'm not gonna
live like this, all right?"

1024
00:52:45.287 --> 00:52:48.165
If I want donuts, I'm not gonna
lock my phone in a gym locker

1025
00:52:48.248 --> 00:52:50.333
and go pay cash for donuts.

1026
00:52:55.005 --> 00:52:57.424
I've done it,
but I'm not gonna do it every time.

1027
00:53:01.052 --> 00:53:03.638
God forbid
I go to a store she has a coupon for.

1028
00:53:03.722 --> 00:53:06.308
I'm out walking in the parking lot,
just get a call,

1029
00:53:06.391 --> 00:53:08.059
"Don't buy anything. I have a coupon."

1030
00:53:08.143 --> 00:53:10.312
Like, "Do you think
I'm gonna come home and get it?"

1031
00:53:10.395 --> 00:53:12.355
"Is that what you think's
about to happen?"

1032
00:53:12.439 --> 00:53:14.858
"I'm going to try to pay more,
now that you called."

1033
00:53:15.442 --> 00:53:17.110
"I don't even know if Target allows that,

1034
00:53:17.194 --> 00:53:19.946
but I'm gonna try
to negotiate up on this toothpaste."

1035
00:53:21.531 --> 00:53:24.451
"You better hope they don't ask me
to round up. I'm rounding up."

1036
00:53:25.619 --> 00:53:28.705
I hate coupons so much,
and she's addicted to 'em.

1037
00:53:29.289 --> 00:53:33.501
She will not let me… "I got a coupon."
Like, I just feel so stupid.

1038
00:53:34.294 --> 00:53:35.879
I'm buying deodorant and I'm like,

1039
00:53:35.962 --> 00:53:38.465
"I don't have all the money,
but I'm almost there,

1040
00:53:38.548 --> 00:53:40.008
but I do have this coupon."

1041
00:53:40.634 --> 00:53:43.470
"One day,
I hope to be able to pay full price."

1042
00:53:43.553 --> 00:53:45.764
"We are saving up as much as we can."

1043
00:53:48.266 --> 00:53:50.477
One of the best fights
we got in… It's not…

1044
00:53:50.560 --> 00:53:53.772
I mean, the fight wasn't good,
just ridiculous fight.

1045
00:53:54.439 --> 00:53:56.733
…was over the saying "one fell swoop."

1046
00:53:57.692 --> 00:53:58.902
Just over that saying.

1047
00:53:58.985 --> 00:54:01.029
-[helicopter whirring]
-My wife and I…

1048
00:54:01.112 --> 00:54:06.159
Hold on, let me… This is the last one.
I just hear one in the background.

1049
00:54:06.243 --> 00:54:08.411
'Cause you hear it from a far distance,

1050
00:54:08.495 --> 00:54:10.538
and then it's like he's going that way.

1051
00:54:10.622 --> 00:54:13.041
Doesn't it sound like
he's going the other way? Right?

1052
00:54:13.124 --> 00:54:16.753
Y'all are like, "We don't even hear it,"
and I'm just up here, I mean…

1053
00:54:16.836 --> 00:54:19.339
Just haunts me for the rest of my life.

1054
00:54:19.422 --> 00:54:22.092
Every show, we're back doing theaters,
I'm like, "Is that…"

1055
00:54:22.175 --> 00:54:25.178
"You guys hear a helicopter?"
You're like, "Inside the building?"

1056
00:54:25.262 --> 00:54:27.222
I'm like, "Yeah, does everybody hear it?"

1057
00:54:27.305 --> 00:54:30.642
"Everybody, get down, quiet down.
Is that a helicopter in this…"

1058
00:54:34.688 --> 00:54:35.647
All right.

1059
00:54:35.730 --> 00:54:38.483
So we got in the fight
over the phrase "one fell swoop."

1060
00:54:39.150 --> 00:54:40.193
Just over this saying.

1061
00:54:40.277 --> 00:54:43.488
And if you're a newlywed and you're like,
"That doesn't make sense,"

1062
00:54:43.571 --> 00:54:46.658
you're right, it doesn't.
This is a double-digit married fight.

1063
00:54:46.741 --> 00:54:49.119
This is when
you've already done all the dish fighting

1064
00:54:49.202 --> 00:54:51.162
or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting.

1065
00:54:51.246 --> 00:54:54.457
This is when they're trying
to mentally break you. Uh…

1066
00:54:55.125 --> 00:54:56.918
They got you almost how they want you,

1067
00:54:57.002 --> 00:54:59.087
and this is the one
that sends it over the edge.

1068
00:55:00.922 --> 00:55:03.508
So my wife wanted to go visit
her parents one weekend,

1069
00:55:03.591 --> 00:55:05.260
and her parents are divorced,

1070
00:55:05.343 --> 00:55:08.305
which has been
hardest on me, to be honest.

1071
00:55:08.388 --> 00:55:11.641
That's something people don't talk about,
when you marry into divorce.

1072
00:55:11.725 --> 00:55:13.518
They divorced because of her, not me,

1073
00:55:13.601 --> 00:55:16.938
so why do I have to go
to 50 different houses?

1074
00:55:21.192 --> 00:55:22.068
[chuckles] So…

1075
00:55:23.320 --> 00:55:24.696
She wanted to visit her parents.

1076
00:55:24.779 --> 00:55:26.489
She said, "I wanna do it
in one fell swoop."

1077
00:55:26.573 --> 00:55:29.409
Now, I've never heard my wife
say the phrase "one fell swoop."

1078
00:55:29.492 --> 00:55:31.745
We've been together 20 years,
she's never said it.

1079
00:55:31.828 --> 00:55:33.621
It felt like someone that day told her,

1080
00:55:33.705 --> 00:55:36.624
"Hey, you should start using
'one fell swoop' more."

1081
00:55:37.208 --> 00:55:39.085
She goes, "I'm about to call my husband."

1082
00:55:39.169 --> 00:55:41.796
It goes, "Perfect,
use it 40 to 50 times on him."

1083
00:55:43.006 --> 00:55:46.176
She calls and goes, "I wanna visit
my parents in one fell swoop."

1084
00:55:46.259 --> 00:55:48.386
I go, "Let's do it in one fell swoop."
She goes,

1085
00:55:48.470 --> 00:55:51.473
"I wanna do it in one fell swoop."
I go, "Let's do it in one fell swoop."

1086
00:55:51.556 --> 00:55:53.391
"Let's swoop it up, I'm down."

1087
00:55:53.475 --> 00:55:56.353
She kept saying it. "One fell swoop,"
over and over again.

1088
00:55:56.936 --> 00:56:01.024
And then when she went to describe
this one fell swoop trip, she goes,

1089
00:56:01.107 --> 00:56:04.527
"We'll go to my mom's,
come home, then go to my dad's."

1090
00:56:04.611 --> 00:56:08.990
And so I just, like, waited,
and she didn't say anything,

1091
00:56:09.074 --> 00:56:11.826
and I just go, "That's not
what 'one fell swoop' means."

1092
00:56:13.745 --> 00:56:15.747
And instead of possibly just being wrong,

1093
00:56:15.830 --> 00:56:17.916
she goes,
"I know what 'one fell swoop' means."

1094
00:56:17.999 --> 00:56:20.960
I go, "Yeah?
It doesn't sound like you do, all right?"

1095
00:56:21.628 --> 00:56:23.004
"We have the same last name."

1096
00:56:23.088 --> 00:56:25.799
"I can't have you out there
in a 'one fell swoop' conversation."

1097
00:56:26.925 --> 00:56:28.968
"What do you think
'two birds, one stone' means?"

1098
00:56:29.052 --> 00:56:31.554
"Let's go through them all.
I dunno if you know any of these."

1099
00:56:34.641 --> 00:56:35.725
She hangs up on me.

1100
00:56:36.434 --> 00:56:39.813
So I get home, and you know when
you walk home and you've been in a fight,

1101
00:56:39.896 --> 00:56:43.358
and you're like, "All right, how long
is this fight? Is it happening still?"

1102
00:56:43.441 --> 00:56:46.277
"Is it over? I don't know."
I got to feel it out, you know?

1103
00:56:46.361 --> 00:56:50.240
She never uses words like "sorry."
I'd love to hear that.

1104
00:56:50.323 --> 00:56:52.951
That's a word she definitely
doesn't know what it means.

1105
00:56:53.034 --> 00:56:56.037
I say it all the time. I walk
around the house with a sack of sorrys,

1106
00:56:56.121 --> 00:56:58.289
just handing them out all day.

1107
00:56:58.373 --> 00:57:00.917
I tried to give her some.
"Would you like to carry these?"

1108
00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:03.128
She's like,
"I don't have pockets, so I'm good."

1109
00:57:05.588 --> 00:57:08.591
We didn't talk that whole night.
We're sitting there, our daughter…

1110
00:57:08.675 --> 00:57:10.552
We're watching TV, eating.

1111
00:57:10.635 --> 00:57:13.221
And I'm like, "Hey, you know
your mom's crazy, right?"

1112
00:57:13.304 --> 00:57:17.016
She's like, "Did you do your homework?
You don't wanna be dumb like your dad."

1113
00:57:17.100 --> 00:57:20.228
And then our daughter's just like,
"Are y'all lunatics?"

1114
00:57:23.314 --> 00:57:24.774
So I'm laying on the couch,

1115
00:57:24.858 --> 00:57:27.318
and my wife just came over
and she kisses me goodnight,

1116
00:57:27.402 --> 00:57:29.779
and then she went to bed, and that was it.

1117
00:57:29.863 --> 00:57:32.407
You know? I felt like
it was her "sorry," I guess,

1118
00:57:32.490 --> 00:57:33.867
but she didn't say it.

1119
00:57:33.950 --> 00:57:36.703
So I laid there, just thinking about it.
You think about it a lot

1120
00:57:36.786 --> 00:57:38.830
'cause you learn
the longer you're married,

1121
00:57:38.913 --> 00:57:41.374
sometimes it's like,
let stuff go, you know? Who cares.

1122
00:57:41.458 --> 00:57:44.419
The next morning I get up
and I still want to talk about it,

1123
00:57:44.502 --> 00:57:46.588
'cause we didn't talk all night, you know?

1124
00:57:46.671 --> 00:57:50.425
So I went to her, I was like,
"Look, I got to tell you, I mean,

1125
00:57:50.508 --> 00:57:52.510
it's just not what it means, you know?"

1126
00:57:53.553 --> 00:57:56.055
And that, that got it going real good.

1127
00:57:56.139 --> 00:57:59.392
Uh, but I felt so good
about this argument,

1128
00:57:59.476 --> 00:58:01.227
you know, I thought about it all night.

1129
00:58:01.311 --> 00:58:04.606
I was like, "You got this one in the bag,
man. You should bring it back up."

1130
00:58:04.689 --> 00:58:07.108
"I'm not trying to date her anymore
I'd like to win a fight."

1131
00:58:07.192 --> 00:58:08.568
"We're gonna die together."

1132
00:58:10.028 --> 00:58:13.072
I almost woke her up in her sleep,
that's how much I was so excited.

1133
00:58:13.156 --> 00:58:16.075
I almost started shaking her going,
"It's not what it means."

1134
00:58:18.119 --> 00:58:20.705
Our marriage almost ended
in one fell swoop, so…

1135
00:58:21.206 --> 00:58:23.750
All right. Thank you guys
so much for coming out to this.

1136
00:58:23.833 --> 00:58:25.168
Truly appreciate it.

1137
00:58:25.251 --> 00:58:26.878
[audience cheers and applauds]

1138
00:58:26.961 --> 00:58:28.463
<i>♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪</i>

1139
00:58:28.546 --> 00:58:29.464
<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

1140
00:58:29.547 --> 00:58:30.840
<i>♪ Take it a la carte ♪</i>

1141
00:58:30.924 --> 00:58:32.217
<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

1142
00:58:32.300 --> 00:58:33.426
<i>♪ All four seasons ♪</i>

1143
00:58:33.510 --> 00:58:34.385
<i>♪ Family ♪</i>

1144
00:58:34.469 --> 00:58:36.012
<i>♪ Well, bless your heart ♪</i>

1145
00:58:46.314 --> 00:58:49.359
-[Nic] You don't know Tonya Harding?
-I don't know Tonya. No.

1146
00:58:49.442 --> 00:58:52.070
Everybody knows that reference,
all sports fans.

1147
00:58:52.153 --> 00:58:54.197
-You don't know who Tonya Harding is?
-[laughs]

1148
00:58:54.280 --> 00:58:56.199
Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude!

1149
00:58:56.282 --> 00:58:58.284
I swear! I can't believe
you don't know this.

1150
00:58:58.368 --> 00:59:00.370
I'm the biggest sports fan in your life.

1151
00:59:00.453 --> 00:59:02.956
If I don't know, I guarantee
no one else watching this knows.

1152
00:59:03.039 --> 00:59:05.583
You ask them,
"Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,"

1153
00:59:05.667 --> 00:59:10.004
you're gonna have 80% of America,
is gonna know. Eighty percent!

1154
00:59:10.088 --> 00:59:12.715
You don't have
80% of this bus that knows it!

1155
00:59:12.799 --> 00:59:14.884
One finished first, one finished second?

1156
00:59:14.968 --> 00:59:16.761
I mean, come on!

1157
00:59:17.554 --> 00:59:18.721
I mean, come on!

1158
00:59:18.805 --> 00:59:23.309
I convinced Nic that I didn't know who
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were.

1159
00:59:24.060 --> 00:59:26.354
Nic is learning this,
that I do know who they are,

1160
00:59:26.437 --> 00:59:28.314
he's learning right now with you.

1161
00:59:29.440 --> 00:59:30.692
I never told him.

1162
00:59:30.775 --> 00:59:32.527
I absolutely know who they are.

1163
00:59:34.529 --> 00:59:37.824
You're literally saying that,
"This is the first time he's hearing it,"

1164
00:59:37.907 --> 00:59:39.701
and I'm like, "It is the first time!"

1165
00:59:39.784 --> 00:59:41.244
I keep going… Hitting my head.

1166
00:59:41.327 --> 00:59:44.664
-[man] It was pretty great, yeah.
-"Come on! Come on!"