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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[folk rock music playing]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ Family ♪
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♪ Singin' in the kitchen ♪
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♪ Family ♪
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♪ Runnin' through the yard… ♪
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♪ Family ♪
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♪ Goin' on vacation ♪
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♪ Family ♪
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♪ On a credit card ♪
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♪ Hey ♪
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[girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy.
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-You did your riding with the horses?
-Yeah.
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But it was really good today
'cause I got to ride her--
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Okay.
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All right, Harper, I gotta do a show.
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-Be funny.
-Be funny.
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-I love you. I love you.
-We love you.
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And now, please welcome my daddy,
Nate Bargatze!
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[audience cheers and applauds]
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[folk rock continues playing]
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[audience members cheer]
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All right.
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This is it.
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Uh, this is fun, huh?
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This is… Yeah.
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I mean, let me tell you,
2020 has been my favorite year.
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Out of all the years,
this has been the best one.
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I mean, I don't… You know, there's aliens.
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They said there's UFOs.
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And no one cares. That's…
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What kind of year could you have
that you could sneak in,
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"Hey, everybody, on the news…"
At the end of the news!
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They go, "There's UFOs."
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You're like, "Aw, do they have COVID?"
And you're like, "No."
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"I don't know.
They won't get tested." But, uh…
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It's funny, I told my wife that.
I said, "They said there's UFOs,"
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and she just went about her day.
I mean, just…
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You might even watch this and be like,
"I didn't hear that." That's the point.
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That's how amazing 2020 has been.
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I also feel this is a good year
to see where your friends are at.
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You know? You want
to be in the middle, I think.
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And I've got friends that,
they take a shower with their mask on,
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and they sleep with a mask on,
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'cause they have a hamster,
and the hamster probably has it,
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and they live alone,
it's just them and the hamster.
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And I also have friends that
I don't think have even heard about COVID.
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I…
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It looks like someone told them to try
to go get it, that's how they're living.
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I have a lot of friends, too,
they tell me they already had it.
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There's a big… They're like,
"I had it, I had a fever." Uh…
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"February, had a fever
for a couple hours, so probably had it."
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I had one friend,
he told me he had it in 2015.
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He's…
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I mean, convinced.
He goes, "I had it in 2015."
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"I was the first, and it just
didn't catch on like it has now, but…"
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I can tell you
one thing that's gone forever
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is coughing in public.
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That's… That's a wrap. I mean…
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You drink water wrong at a restaurant,
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just go walk in traffic.
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Um…
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Whole restaurant just stops.
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Your table would be like,
"Get out of here. Get out of here."
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You know who that'll hurt the most,
the cough in public? My parents,
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'cause that's
one of their favorite things to do,
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is cough in public.
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They love it. That's all they do.
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They cough everywhere.
My dad's choking constantly.
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Just always… If he's not choking,
that's when we get worried.
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That's how much choking…
We go to a restaurant,
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they're like, "Is your dad okay?"
I'm like, "I didn't…"
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"Yeah, that's just what he does."
You know?
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I've been traveling
all over the country during this COVID,
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and what I've seen is… Look, in the middle
of the country, they're doing good.
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I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks,
doing what they're supposed to.
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A lot of people are doing it,
we're trying.
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We take our temperature.
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I went to Buffalo Wild Wings.
They took my temperature.
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You telling me that teenager doesn't know
what he's doing? Is that what you're…
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Don't think he's going to doctor school?
That's how they get started,
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is he takes temperatures,
and he's like, "45 degrees. You're good."
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Uh, yeah, you're, like,
60 degrees from the problem.
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So I don't, you know…
And they're not even worried about it.
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"Fifty-seven degrees."
You're like, "Actually, I'm dead, dude."
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"That's not good."
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I asked, "Does that even work?"
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"I don't know. When it beeps,
I just tell them to go ahead." I…
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I swear, one kid said, "Beep."
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I don't think his beep worked,
and he goes, "Beep."
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And I was like,
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"Was that…" And he goes, "You're fine."
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[Nate chuckles]
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I've done pretty good during COVID.
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I, uh… 'Cause I feel
like you could either…
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I lost some weight during COVID.
You could go two ways.
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If you wanted to gain weight,
this is your time.
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I mean, everybody's fine with it.
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You can just do it, but I've been
doing all that up until COVID.
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I've always lived by that rule.
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So during COVID,
I was like, "I need to stop."
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And my neighbor started
working out in his driveway.
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So he's like, "Let's work out
in my driveway." And, you know,
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it's hard to make excuses during COVID.
You're like, "I'm just so busy."
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"I'm just… I can't,
I got a lot of stuff to do today."
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And he's just out there.
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So I started to do it with him,
and he had a trainer,
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and I'm not a big fan
of working out, never done it.
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And I told them,
"I just wanna do upper-body stuff."
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And they go, "All right. Well,
how about we just do legs every day?"
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That's all it is, is legs.
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I think
it's a huge conspiracy with trainers
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that you never
actually do your upper body,
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and when you are doing it…
I asked him, "Is this upper body?"
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He goes, "Yeah." I go, "Yeah?
'Cause I'm bending down quite a bit."
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What I eat, that's the main problem.
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I eat like a child.
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I eat… I mean, it's not good.
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He goes, "Let's go through
what you had for breakfast,
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your whole day of eating."
He goes, "Let's go through yesterday."
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And in my head, I'm like,
"Yesterday's not a good day."
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"Let's pick another day."
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Uh…
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He goes, "Go through yesterday." I go,
"All right, I had donuts in the morning."
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And he goes, "All right, was it like
they were just out or something?"
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I go, "No, I drove. I drove to it."
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"I drove to it."
He's like, "Is it on your way?"
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I go, "No, I was late
to where I was going because of it."
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He goes,
"What about late-night snacking?"
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I was like,
"Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night."
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He goes, "Did you watch a movie?"
I go, "No, just regular TV."
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And he's like, "The little kid bag?"
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I go, "No, it was a bag.
It was a bag of 'em."
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"If you saw it without a label
and someone said, 'Hand me that bag,'
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they wouldn't be confused
on what you were asking."
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I always have trouble going to sleep,
and I swear, every doctor…
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It's like,
I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda,
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and I'm like,
"What's going on, man? I can't…"
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"Dude, at night,
my brain just doesn't stop."
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And they're like, "Yeah, dude,
you can't eat Sour Patch Kids in bed."
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"Maybe that's a problem."
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We've been traveling around like crazy.
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Did all these drive-in dates
that have been super fun.
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I like traveling, love being on the road.
I remember one time,
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I was in Los Angeles,
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and I was going to South by Southwest
in Austin, Texas the next day,
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and I had a really early flight.
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I remember the night before, I was like,
"Just be normal, have a normal night."
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And ended up hanging out,
became a bit of a problem. [chuckles]
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And I wake up the next day,
and my flight is gone.
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I've missed it,
and it's not like it's at the gate,
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it is in Austin, Texas.
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They are checking into their hotel.
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So I go to get my phone
to get another flight,
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and I've lost my phone.
The night before, I've lost it.
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So now I don't have my phone.
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So I have to go buy a ticket
over the counter like it's the '50s.
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And when you walk up to a counter,
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they don't expect you
to be buying a ticket like that.
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I got up there,
and they're like, "All right."
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I was like, "I would like
one ticket to Austin, Texas, please."
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And they said, "All right,
go buy it and don't be weird about it."
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I go, "No, I'd like to write
a check to you for one ticket
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to Austin, Texas."
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They didn't have a flight,
so I have to do that at every terminal.
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I just have keep going,
"One ticket to Austin, Texas, please."
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I finally found a flight,
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but the girl behind the counter,
she's never sold a ticket like that.
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"I've worked here for ten years.
No one's ever done this."
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"I don't know how to do it."
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She went back and got probably
the oldest lady I've ever seen.
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I think she's there for just this reason.
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She came out, she had that old
credit card machine that you run.
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She's like, "I got it. I've been…
This is super fun for me."
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It was weird to not have my phone.
Everybody has their phone.
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I was going through the airport,
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and you just don't have it,
and you just stare.
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I mean, we were waiting in line,
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and you're just looking ahead.
I mean, people are just like,
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"All right, dude, what is wrong with you?"
Just regular people…
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Like, "Where's your phone?"
I'm like, "I don't have it."
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"I'd like to talk to you, though,
if you'll talk to me."
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"I'd love to chat for a little bit."
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I thought I was going
to breeze through security,
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but I got held up
'cause of the guy in front of me.
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He goes through the metal detector,
and it goes off,
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and so they ask him,
"Do you have anything metal on you?"
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And he goes, "I have keys on me, my keys."
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And we thought he was gonna say
his knee or hip, you know, just…
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Old people have metal in them a lot.
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And he goes,
"Keys? Do you think that would do it?"
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You're like, "That would be
the number-one answer on Family Feud
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of what would set
a metal detector off." "Keys."
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I told him,
"Look, let's try it with and without it."
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"I'd love to know. Maybe they've
been lying to us about this key thing."
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So I've been doing these drive-in shows,
these drive-in movie theater shows,
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and my buddy Nic Novicki's been with me.
199
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And Nic's a little person, very fun.
We started comedy together.
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Nic's very fun to be friends with,
very easy to trick.
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We were once at a coffee shop,
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and a guy was sitting near us
with a big husky dog.
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00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:08,566
And Nic just goes,
"Hey, you think that's a wolf?"
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And I just said,
"Yeah, I do think it's a wolf." Uh…
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"They just passed a law
that if you can catch a wolf,
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you can have it as a pet."
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He goes, "Should I go ask him about it?"
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I was like, "Absolutely.
I mean, he wants to talk about it."
209
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"That's why he brought
that wolf out here."
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I watched him walk over to him
and just go, "Excuse me, is that a wolf?"
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And the guy,
he didn't really know how to answer.
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He's like, "What?"
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00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:42,183
"I mean, you think I brought
a wild wolf to this coffee shop…
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00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:48,439
and the wolf's just being cool about it?
It's not losing its mind right now?"
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When we were doing these drive-in shows,
we were all on a bus together,
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I convinced Nic that I didn't know who
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were.
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Nic is learning this,
that I do know who they are,
218
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:04,914
he's learning right now with you.
219
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:06,999
I never told him.
220
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,959
I absolutely know who they are.
221
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:13,172
He brought… All his references
are just '90s sports references.
222
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,257
[chuckles] He only can reference the '90s.
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00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,094
So he brings up
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.
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00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:21,180
I was like, "Who's that?" He's like,
"What? You don't know who they are?"
225
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,683
I was like, "I don't think
anybody knows who they are."
226
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:27,186
He goes, "Dude, this was a huge story.
Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit."
227
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:30,690
I was like, "I've never heard this, dude.
Don't you think I would've heard it?"
228
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,441
I was like, "No one knows this."
229
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,068
And he's losing his mind.
230
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,612
I go, "They should make
a 30 for 30 if it's that good."
231
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,988
He goes, "They did!"
232
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,451
Another guy's like,
"They should make a movie about it."
233
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,995
He goes, "There's a movie!"
He's just losing it.
234
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,000
One of my favorite ones was…
235
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,837
This was forever ago.
We're going to a friend's house,
236
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,131
and it was a four-flight walk up,
237
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,299
and so we had to walk up four flights.
238
00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:00,720
Obviously, I walk faster than Nic,
and I used to wait for him,
239
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,055
but we've just been friends
too long, I can't.
240
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,599
We're like an old married couple.
I'm just gone.
241
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,229
So I knew where we were going,
and I knew that he did not.
242
00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,565
So I leave him
and I go into my buddy's apartment.
243
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:16,026
I was like, "Nic doesn't know
where you live, so that's fun, you know,
244
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,404
let's just see what happens."
245
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,489
About 30 minutes go by.
246
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:24,034
Nic finally comes into the apartment,
and I asked him, "Where were you?"
247
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,246
He goes, "I didn't know
where to go." I go, "I know."
248
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,916
"So you've been gone for a long time.
Did you go back outside?"
249
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,503
He goes, "No, I've been in
someone else's apartment all this time."
250
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:38,841
He went into someone's…
He was just trying handles.
251
00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,427
And a door opened,
252
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:44,430
he walked in, said, "I'm with Nate,"
and went and sat on their couch.
253
00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:45,973
That's how far he made it.
254
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:50,144
Think about where your couch is.
That's how deep he made it in their place.
255
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,731
And he's so confident,
they had to be like,
256
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:56,066
"I don't know.
Maybe we know a Nate," you know?
257
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,780
Doing those drive-in shows were fun.
258
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,824
You know, you're doing it
at a drive-in movie theater.
259
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,286
What's hard is when people want to leave
early if they don't like your act.
260
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,872
I mean, you just see
headlights hit you in the face,
261
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,416
and he's just like… and just backs up.
262
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:15,044
And you're like,
"All right, there goes that guy." Uh…
263
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,131
I did one Zoom show,
264
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,134
and it was just…
I mean, it's just your face on it,
265
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:24,720
and right before we get started,
I just hear someone say,
266
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,681
"I don't know.
It's some stupid comedy thing." It's just…
267
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,519
What's that? What'd she say?
268
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,980
[helicopter whirring]
269
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,358
Just helicopters all day.
270
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:38,984
That's an outside show.
271
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:44,114
The next special's going to be at LAX.
It's gonna be a good time. Uh…
272
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,244
-[chuckles]
-[audience applauds and cheers]
273
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:55,084
I can't wait to get back to the old days
of just not doing good inside a building.
274
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,086
That's all you want, you know?
275
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,841
There's… One of the last,
kind of, bombs I had…
276
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,176
So as comedians,
we do a lot of corporate events,
277
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,720
and I was doing
this corporate event in Tampa, Florida.
278
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:10,182
It was for this guy,
he ran Tampa's electricity or something.
279
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,684
I don't know what anybody does,
280
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,687
but he invented
the electricity in Florida, so…
281
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,898
Yeah, he's doing real good. And…
282
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,777
He was a very nice guy,
he's very generous.
283
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:26,323
It was all of his employees,
he was raffling off two cars.
284
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,200
He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads…
285
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:31,120
I mean, honestly,
probably $100,000 worth of gifts
286
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,455
he was giving back to his employees.
Very nice.
287
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,083
Well, I was one of these gifts
that he was giving back,
288
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,002
so in the middle
of giving this stuff away,
289
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:40,921
he stops and goes, "All right.
Got a big surprise for you."
290
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,965
"Can't believe we got
this guy to come here."
291
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:46,635
And he brings me out.
I mean, nobody's heard of me at all.
292
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,721
They're all looking at me like,
293
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:51,891
"I think I could get this guy
to come to my house. I mean, who is…"
294
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,186
I start doing my act.
295
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,689
I do one hour, and just zero laughs.
296
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,108
I mean nothing,
and I'm not doing new jokes.
297
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:02,818
I'm doing the greatest hits.
298
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:07,281
I told the "iced coffee
with milk" story three times.
299
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,450
-I…
-[audience applauds]
300
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,036
-[chuckles] It was…
-[cheering]
301
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:13,454
I kept just doing it.
302
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:17,041
I was like, "I'mma do it one more time.
I don't think y'all were listening." Uh…
303
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,001
People were leaving.
304
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,128
The guy that drove me
asked someone that left,
305
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,380
he goes,
"Is the comedy show almost over?"
306
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,258
The guy goes, "I don't even know
what you're talking about."
307
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:29,345
"There's a guy giving a speech
up there now, so maybe after that."
308
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,394
So we get done, and then the guy comes up.
309
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,439
You know, I have to talk to him,
and I was like, "Look, I'm sorry, man."
310
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,274
"I used to be able to do comedy,
311
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,319
and I lost it, you know? It's over."
312
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:48,948
And he was very nice, he goes, "No,
it's all right, nothing's your fault."
313
00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,533
I was like,
"I don't know how that's possible."
314
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,619
And he goes,
"Well, when you were up there,
315
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:56,830
I remembered that most of my employees
do not speak English."
316
00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:00,376
And I was like, "All right,
yeah, that'll do it." You know?
317
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,130
Maybe don't hire
an English-only-speaking comedian.
318
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,341
No heads up at all.
319
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:10,928
Not that I could have changed it up,
but it just would have been nice to know.
320
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:13,681
[exclaims indistinctly]
321
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:19,103
So I have a daughter,
and my daughter's name is Harper.
322
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,897
So a lot of people ask,
"Did you name her after Harper Lee,
323
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,899
the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?"
324
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:28,195
And, you know, I've never thought
about an author a day in my life, so…
325
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:31,907
That never occurred to me.
326
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,577
I mean, my middle name is Lee,
and it just never crossed my mind. Uh…
327
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,706
I love having a kid.
328
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:42,793
We… I love when kids cry,
it's just innocent.
329
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:46,213
I love how innocent it is.
They cry over a tag in their shirt.
330
00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:47,423
I mean, they bawl.
331
00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,008
They don't like… It feels weird.
332
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:51,343
And then, you could be like,
"Is your house on fire?"
333
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:54,555
I've never seen someone cry this much.
It's over nothing.
334
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:57,433
She's on her iPad a lot.
You know, that's the hard part.
335
00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:00,936
You got to get these kids off…
You don't want technology all the time.
336
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,646
She just sits there on her iPad.
337
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,231
She wants to be a YouTuber,
338
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,400
which, as a comedian, makes me furious.
339
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:11,447
She watches these kid YouTube videos,
and now she makes her own videos.
340
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,073
It's just her sitting there going,
341
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,658
"Hey, guys, what's going on?"
342
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,536
"Click the links below,
subscribe, leave a comment."
343
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,663
None of this is anywhere but my phone.
344
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:22,374
I got 90 hours of this.
It's not on YouTube.
345
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,752
Me and her mom are the only subscribers.
346
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:31,592
She just watches kids playing with toys.
Like, that's what's crazy.
347
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:34,386
It's not like a show.
I'd be fine if she watched a show.
348
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,973
She watches just a kid that's like,
"Hey, you don't have this toy, I do."
349
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,850
"You want to see me open it?"
350
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,894
It's got five billion views.
351
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,023
It looks like we buy her nothing,
like, we just show her.
352
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:49,276
"If you wanna watch a kid have fun,
but you'll never have fun in this house!"
353
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,865
We take her out, we go do stuff.
354
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:57,117
I would take her
to Chuck E. Cheese all the time.
355
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,495
You can go there, they had COVID in '84.
356
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:02,039
So there's… Yeah.
357
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,833
It can't even survive in there,
that's what…
358
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,335
Chuck E. Cheese is rough.
359
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,545
I don't know
if you've been there in a while.
360
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:12,216
They look like they're trying
to go out of business and they can't. I…
361
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,136
They filed for bankruptcy
and they're still open.
362
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:20,307
They called Blockbuster and were like,
"How do you get out? We want out."
363
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,725
[audience applauds]
364
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:28,440
They're updating nothing.
That Chuck E. band is just robotic.
365
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:33,946
I mean, the drummer doesn't even turn on,
it just sits like that the whole time.
366
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:39,660
They sell booze to parents now,
they just give them buckets of Bud Light.
367
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,412
They're drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m.
368
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:47,376
When someone drives those kids home,
I don't see Ubers and Lyfts showing up.
369
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,963
There was a Chuck E. Cheese
that got caught,
370
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:54,424
if people didn't eat all their pizza,
they'd put it back out on the buffet.
371
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,927
And that would shut down
any normal business.
372
00:18:57,010 --> 00:18:59,346
And with Chuck E. Cheese,
they have thrived.
373
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:03,475
I mean, when I read the story, I was like,
"I thought that's what they were doing."
374
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,979
"I thought we agreed that's fine."
I didn't know what the article was about.
375
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,609
Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too,
376
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:15,237
and parents don't like that,
when you say it.
377
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:19,700
They're like, "You gotta keep
them outside. Don't look at them." Uh…
378
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:23,078
It's my fault.
379
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,247
So we had a kid late in life.
We have one kid.
380
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,916
So we're hitting all the sights,
and I'd be…
381
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,918
When I travel a bunch, and I'd get home,
382
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,463
I'd want us to sleep in the bed together.
and I've built up a habit now,
383
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:34,464
it's happened.
384
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:37,509
So it's tough, though,
because kids don't know how to sleep.
385
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,554
I mean, she makes
a king bed feel like a twin.
386
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:43,765
I mean, I'm on the edge.
When I sleep alone in a hotel,
387
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,436
I sleep with my head on the nightstand.
It's the only way I know how to go to bed.
388
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,106
She gets sideways, upside down.
389
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:54,651
If you woke up upside down tomorrow,
you would go to the hospital.
390
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,573
She's also apparently
going through menopause
391
00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:02,284
'cause she's the hottest
human being that's ever lived.
392
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,288
I'm freezing at night.
She kicks all the covers off.
393
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:09,791
You're like, "Yeah, you go ahead.
It's your bed. We're lucky to be in it."
394
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,796
She's gotta get out at some point,
you know? I don't know.
395
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,759
She'll be 37 years old…
"Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?"
396
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,386
Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed.
397
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,514
Her husband left a while ago,
he ain't gonna put up with that. Um…
398
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,353
I remember, I'd fall out of a bunk bed.
399
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,355
I slept in a bunk bed,
I was on the top bunk,
400
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:32,940
and I would get over a railing,
401
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:35,651
and just fall six feet to the ground,
402
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,194
and just land…
403
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:41,323
I mean, you don't catch yourself,
it's just whatever hits first.
404
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,492
All your body weight
just lands on your head.
405
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,994
I got a full-blown concussion, I'm crying.
406
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:49,456
My parents are like, "Just go back
to a deep sleep for seven hours."
407
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,961
I've had three concussions in my life,
408
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,837
and none of them because of sports.
409
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:59,007
Just living life, man, you know?
410
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,593
Stuff happens to your head.
What are you going to do?
411
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,346
One was in high school.
412
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,974
I got pushed into a wall headfirst,
413
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:10,185
and it took them three class periods
to figure out I had a concussion.
414
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,271
That's how much
I was bringing to the table.
415
00:21:14,314 --> 00:21:18,068
I mean, two teachers didn't even notice,
and the third one was like,
416
00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:20,862
"He wasn't facing forward,
and that's when I realized."
417
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:26,076
"He's one of the better facer-forwards
I've ever had, so I knew."
418
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:32,582
My biggest concussion was when
I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff.
419
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,793
So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee,
420
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,796
and we used to climb down this cliff
into Old Hickory Lake,
421
00:21:37,879 --> 00:21:39,381
and we'd done it a ton of times.
422
00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,466
And so one day, I slip and fall.
423
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,219
So my friend that I'm with,
he goes and gets my mom.
424
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,347
There was a guy fishing
in a boat down in the lake,
425
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:49,641
and so he sees me
and he gets me into the boat.
426
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,519
He takes me over to some stairs,
which he had to be like,
427
00:21:52,602 --> 00:21:55,939
"Why didn't he just use these stairs?"
They were right next to that cliff.
428
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,816
[chuckles] It didn't even make sense.
429
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:00,902
Uh, there was two guys
at the bottom of the steps,
430
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,363
and he goes, "This kid fell.
Can you carry him up?"
431
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:04,573
So they carry me up.
432
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:08,076
And now my mom's
in an ambulance in her pajamas.
433
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,912
My dad, who I think
everybody knows now is a magician,
434
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,832
and he's doing a show in a full tuxedo.
435
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:17,044
So they get to the hospital,
the doctor starts talking to my parents.
436
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:18,712
I mean, my mom looks homeless.
437
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:20,172
My dad's in a tuxedo.
438
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:21,882
It looks…
439
00:22:22,632 --> 00:22:26,053
It looks like they're divorced
and someone's not paying child support.
440
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:32,392
So we've never known who was in the boat
or the guys that carried me up the stairs.
441
00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:35,395
We've never known who it was,
and we always wanted to thank them.
442
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:36,813
Those guys truly saved my life,
443
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:39,066
and we could just never find out
who it was.
444
00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:41,651
So we never knew.
So I tell you that to tell you,
445
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:45,364
uh, last year, my dad is doing a show.
446
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,574
He does these magic shows in prisons.
447
00:22:47,657 --> 00:22:49,701
So he's doing a show at a prison,
448
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:52,579
and during the show,
one of the inmates just stands up
449
00:22:52,662 --> 00:22:54,039
and says, "I know your son."
450
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:57,793
Which is probably not the best place,
as a father, to hear that.
451
00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:02,464
Just like, "I know your boy. He keeps
his mouth shut. He's good people."
452
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:06,676
[chuckles] So…
453
00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:10,389
My dad, he goes, "Hey. All right,
how do you know my son?"
454
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:13,600
And he was one of the guys
that carried me up those stairs that day.
455
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,769
I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old,
456
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:18,855
and we'd never known
who carried me up those stairs,
457
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:20,315
and it was him and his brother,
458
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,526
and then his brother saw me
on The Tonight Show,
459
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:25,445
and was like, "That's that kid
we carried up those stairs that day."
460
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:26,863
So it's pretty crazy.
461
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:29,699
So since then I've been actually
bringing him out to shows.
462
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:32,035
I'm gonna bring him out tonight. And…
463
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,496
No, he's not here.
He's in prison, but, you know.
464
00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:36,706
Sorry. Yeah.
465
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:40,210
Trust me. Look, he would love
to be here. Trust me. Uh…
466
00:23:40,293 --> 00:23:43,422
I mean, yeah,
he'd kill to be here, to be honest, but…
467
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:46,883
There's one day. One day, I'll get him.
468
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:52,931
I did find out
why he was in prison, which was crazy.
469
00:23:53,014 --> 00:23:54,433
So it was that same day.
470
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:57,477
So they just carried a body
down those stairs,
471
00:23:57,561 --> 00:24:01,106
and you can imagine the frustration
to then be handed another body.
472
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,443
Yeah, and you're like,
"Dude, are you serious?"
473
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,862
"Like, we just did this, man." You know?
474
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,447
All right, that part I made up.
475
00:24:08,530 --> 00:24:12,075
But the rest,
I swear the rest of it is true.
476
00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,204
Our daughter is in third grade,
477
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:19,374
and for first grade,
she started taking the bus,
478
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,626
and it was the first time
she ever took the bus.
479
00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:24,754
So you know, as a parent, you walk them
to the bus stop, it's very fun.
480
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,715
So we got her on the bus,
she went to school.
481
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,801
At the end of the day,
someone from school called my cell phone.
482
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,471
They have my wife's cell phone,
they have my cell phone.
483
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,556
They called my cell phone, and she said,
484
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:37,392
"Do you know what bus number
your daughter's supposed to be on?"
485
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,019
And I said, "I'm her dad."
486
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,355
As in, "Are you cra…" I was like,
487
00:24:42,439 --> 00:24:46,151
"This is how you thought you'd get
this information, was to call the dad?"
488
00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:49,654
"You saw Mom and Dad's cell phone,
you go, 'I bet the dad knows.'"
489
00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:54,576
I was like, "Do you have parents?
You ever seen a family before?"
490
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,870
"You thought, 'Let's call the husband'?"
491
00:24:56,953 --> 00:25:00,624
"Unless there's two husbands, you should
never call a husband a day in your life."
492
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:04,544
"I'd rather you ask
a lady that doesn't know her."
493
00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,255
"I think she could get to the bottom of it
quicker than I can."
494
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:13,053
I had to go get her.
"All right, I'll come get her."
495
00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:16,306
"Tell me the name of the school
and I'll come get her. Where does she go?"
496
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:22,187
When you pack lunches now,
you got to be careful
497
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,481
'cause a lot of kids
have peanut allergies now.
498
00:25:24,564 --> 00:25:28,401
And our daughter actually has
a cashew allergy, with tree nuts.
499
00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:32,697
And so I don't know what tree nuts are,
but it could kill my daughter.
500
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:35,867
The doctor goes, "Can't have tree nuts,"
and that's it. He left.
501
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:39,120
And I was like, "We'd love to know…
I didn't know where nuts came from,
502
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:42,624
but apparently they come
from two different places,
503
00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:44,251
and one of them's a tree."
504
00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:50,257
I feel bad. Look, I want to defend
all these kids with peanut allergies.
505
00:25:50,340 --> 00:25:54,344
I don't think they get defended.
They get yelled at by adults.
506
00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:58,265
We got a lot of adults
addicted to peanuts in this country.
507
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,767
And they're furious.
508
00:26:00,850 --> 00:26:02,561
I haven't had peanuts in forever.
509
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:05,397
You take peanuts out of my life,
I don't think I'd notice.
510
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:10,026
And we just have… Adults are yelling
at these children like they chose it,
511
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:14,114
like when they were born, the doctor goes,
"Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?"
512
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:16,908
Every scenario is life and death.
513
00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:19,869
You ever been on a plane?
They just announce it.
514
00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:23,331
These planes…
Just serve pretzels and be done with it.
515
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:25,875
But they try every flight,
and if they can't,
516
00:26:25,959 --> 00:26:27,627
they just go, "All right, everybody,
517
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:30,839
can't have peanuts today
'cause of that loser kid right there."
518
00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:34,342
And these grownups are booing him.
519
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,970
"The only reason
I'm on the flight is for the peanuts."
520
00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:38,763
"I don't even know where it's going."
521
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,685
We're doing homework too.
522
00:26:43,768 --> 00:26:46,187
Our daughter started bringing it home.
Homework's fun.
523
00:26:46,271 --> 00:26:49,357
First and second grade was awesome.
Third grade, you're like, "Okay."
524
00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,694
They throw some stuff in,
you're like, "Oh, all right. All right."
525
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:56,573
It's, uh… "Okay, learning it earlier
than we used to, huh?"
526
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,575
I don't even know if that's true, but…
527
00:27:00,076 --> 00:27:01,828
She brought home Common Core math.
528
00:27:01,911 --> 00:27:04,414
That's fun. It's a new math
they invented, no heads up.
529
00:27:04,497 --> 00:27:06,958
Just give it to parents
that never learned it. Uh…
530
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:11,504
It's just a whole new…
I mean, it's unbelievable.
531
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:14,466
They bring it home, you gotta watch
a 40-minute YouTube video
532
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:16,259
on Common Core math.
533
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,428
I don't even understand it.
If you know it…
534
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:20,847
If you don't know Common Core,
it's just a new math.
535
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:25,226
And the goal of Common Core is to use
one sheet of paper for every problem.
536
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:28,688
You… You just want to keep
breaking the problem down.
537
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:31,691
You put the problem at the top,
and it just keeps going.
538
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:35,570
And then what's even funnier is
you see old math in the middle of it.
539
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:38,406
As you break it down, old math
gets in there and you're like,
540
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:41,201
"Oh! Just do that at the top.
I don't even know what we're doing."
541
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:46,456
It's not like old math isn't working.
Old math still…
542
00:27:46,539 --> 00:27:49,959
I don't get incorrect change everywhere,
just going, "This stupid old math!"
543
00:27:53,129 --> 00:27:55,548
It's a long way to get at the same answer.
544
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:56,466
I told my wife,
545
00:27:56,549 --> 00:27:59,219
it feels like if you knocked
on my front door and I opened it,
546
00:27:59,302 --> 00:28:00,595
and you say, "Can I come in?"
547
00:28:00,679 --> 00:28:03,473
And I was like, "Do you mind
coming in through the back door?"
548
00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:05,100
"Does the front door not work?"
549
00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,686
"No, it works. I use it,
a lot of people still use it,
550
00:28:07,769 --> 00:28:10,021
but the new way is to go jump the fence
551
00:28:10,105 --> 00:28:13,108
and come in the back
and meet me at this same spot."
552
00:28:16,152 --> 00:28:17,987
Even though I make fun of Common Core,
553
00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:21,157
I have learned stuff
from elementary homework,
554
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:22,492
which is embarrassing.
555
00:28:23,451 --> 00:28:25,370
I'm 41. My daughter is eight.
556
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:29,749
Nothing should ever come out of her mouth
that I'm like, "What? What was that?"
557
00:28:31,876 --> 00:28:34,295
I learned when to use
"a" or "an" in a sentence.
558
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:36,965
[chuckles] I didn't know
that there was a rule in play.
559
00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:39,050
I thought you felt it out, you know,
560
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:42,220
and just go, "That feels right,"
and that's what you do.
561
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:45,598
I do the same thing with a comma.
562
00:28:45,682 --> 00:28:48,101
I've never known where
a comma's supposed to go.
563
00:28:48,184 --> 00:28:51,312
If I feel a comma's coming,
I try to get out of that sentence so bad.
564
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:52,230
I mean, I…
565
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:58,278
And if I can't, I just put a comma and see
if someone says something, you know?
566
00:28:58,862 --> 00:29:00,196
They're like, "Is that a comma?"
567
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,700
I'm like, "Is it? My comma button
has been sticking on my phone." Uh…
568
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:10,957
I remember nothing from school.
People talk about history to me, I'm like,
569
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:14,377
"I don't know when you guys learned that.
I think we skipped all of this."
570
00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:18,715
I almost didn't graduate high school.
I had an F in science.
571
00:29:18,798 --> 00:29:22,177
I was taking a class called "Science"
my senior year in high school.
572
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:25,972
I mean, I had an F.
573
00:29:26,055 --> 00:29:29,476
My dad went and talked to the teacher
and said, "Look, just give him a D."
574
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:33,062
"He's not gonna do science stuff."
And the teacher agreed to it.
575
00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:38,276
She was that confident
I wouldn't touch the science world.
576
00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:45,325
I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it.
577
00:29:45,408 --> 00:29:50,663
And if you don't know ACTs, 18 is like,
"That's not good, man, but you made it."
578
00:29:50,747 --> 00:29:54,042
Seventeen, they're like, "I don't even…
Are you enrolled in this school?"
579
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:55,835
"Like, what are you doing?"
580
00:29:58,129 --> 00:30:01,049
The only thing I remember
is in seventh grade,
581
00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:03,468
we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher.
582
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:05,845
That stuck with me.
583
00:30:07,055 --> 00:30:10,683
He was too old to be in seventh grade.
He drove to seventh grade.
584
00:30:12,268 --> 00:30:15,063
If you're a seventh grade teacher,
and one of the kids drives,
585
00:30:15,146 --> 00:30:18,024
you just know you gotta fight
that kid one day. There's…
586
00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:20,109
It's just happening. Like, you…
587
00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:24,572
People always talk to me
very easy, too, or dumb.
588
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:26,908
If I talk to a stranger,
I can always feel it.
589
00:30:26,991 --> 00:30:30,453
And I think it's my eyes.
I have big eyes, you know?
590
00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:33,623
And so I just get a lot of,
"You still with me, man?" And…
591
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:39,170
I'm just sitting there, like,
"Yeah, man, I'm listening."
592
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:42,006
He goes, "It felt like you could've
been anywhere, you know?"
593
00:30:45,426 --> 00:30:47,178
I got a reversible jacket at home,
594
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:50,098
and I have two of them
'cause I didn't know it was reversible.
595
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:54,644
Bought them at the same time,
tried them both on separately.
596
00:30:54,727 --> 00:30:57,897
Liked the black one, thought,
"Might as well get the blue one, too."
597
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:01,734
Went and laid them up there,
and I remember they go, "Are you sure?"
598
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:04,320
I go, "Yeah, I think I know
what I'm doing here, all right?"
599
00:31:08,825 --> 00:31:10,952
The dumbest I've ever been talked to…
600
00:31:11,035 --> 00:31:13,955
I like to golf,
and so a guy was telling me,
601
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:16,457
there's a real golf course
in North Carolina
602
00:31:16,541 --> 00:31:18,918
where llamas are the caddies.
603
00:31:19,002 --> 00:31:22,797
So if you don't know anything about golf,
a caddy usually carries your bag around,
604
00:31:22,881 --> 00:31:25,341
tells you how far you are
from the hole, helps you out.
605
00:31:25,425 --> 00:31:27,093
So this course, they have llamas.
606
00:31:27,176 --> 00:31:30,555
So you put your golf bag on a llama
and it carries your bag.
607
00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:34,142
So he told me that,
and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes,
608
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:37,770
and he goes, "Just so you know,
llamas can't talk, though."
609
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:44,319
I mean, that's the question
he was trying to get ahead of
610
00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,446
as he looked into my stupid eyes.
611
00:31:47,530 --> 00:31:50,909
Like, he just… "I'm going to say it
so that guy doesn't have to say it."
612
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:54,954
I'm just at the zoo
talking to the giraffes,
613
00:31:55,038 --> 00:31:57,457
"Hey, where you guys from?" You know?
614
00:31:57,540 --> 00:32:00,501
"I know where you're from,
but where are you 'from' from?"
615
00:32:00,585 --> 00:32:02,587
[helicopter whirring]
616
00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:05,173
I'm gonna let this one go by.
617
00:32:05,256 --> 00:32:08,092
You know, the hard part is
I see them coming before y'all,
618
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:11,930
and I just see a blinking light,
like, five miles away,
619
00:32:12,013 --> 00:32:14,641
going, "That one looks
like it's coming," in my head.
620
00:32:14,724 --> 00:32:17,477
In my head, I'm just like,
"I think it's…" You know?
621
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,730
Couple times I've looked,
and it was just stars. Uh…
622
00:32:22,690 --> 00:32:26,527
Honestly, I look up and I'll be like,
"That one's not moving that quick." Uh…
623
00:32:28,237 --> 00:32:30,073
"Feel like one's
just sitting on top of us."
624
00:32:30,156 --> 00:32:32,867
You're like, "Ah, it's the moon."
"Is it?" Uh…
625
00:32:34,953 --> 00:32:36,996
So I'm 41 years old.
626
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,706
And when I turned 40,
627
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,000
40 was the first age
I did not want to turn.
628
00:32:41,084 --> 00:32:43,002
I remember my parents turning 40.
629
00:32:43,086 --> 00:32:44,462
It just feels old.
630
00:32:44,545 --> 00:32:46,673
And it's also the age that you do realize
631
00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:49,133
everybody you're talking to,
you are older than.
632
00:32:49,634 --> 00:32:53,429
Before you're 40,
I think everybody you talk to is your age,
633
00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:56,557
and for some reason, when you turn 40,
you're just older than that…
634
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:59,519
I'll be talking to them, like,
"Remember that? It was '97, '98."
635
00:32:59,602 --> 00:33:02,647
"I wasn't born yet." You're like,
"Golly! Are you serious, dude?"
636
00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:05,191
"In my eyes, we look the same."
637
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:07,318
"Where's your dad at?"
638
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:10,697
"Let me talk to him,
'cause I swear I thought you were my age."
639
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:17,161
One thing I got
when I hit my forties was claustrophobia.
640
00:33:17,245 --> 00:33:18,079
Never had it,
641
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:22,208
actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride,
which is what's crazy.
642
00:33:22,750 --> 00:33:26,546
I mean, we're 100 yards away
from where my life fell apart.
643
00:33:28,631 --> 00:33:32,677
I rode that ride with my daughter,
and we're sitting on it, and there's…
644
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,471
We had another buddy,
and he has his two girls on.
645
00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:37,598
So we sit there,
and they pull the bar down,
646
00:33:37,682 --> 00:33:40,643
and the bar…
My leg gets stuck in the middle,
647
00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:44,230
and it just opened a door
that I never knew was there.
648
00:33:44,313 --> 00:33:47,567
I mean, it's just… It is like a problem.
I had to stop the ride.
649
00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:50,987
It's super embarrassing
to stop a child's ride
650
00:33:51,070 --> 00:33:53,614
and just be like…
I'm just waving, like, "I can't do it."
651
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:56,200
Then they open the bar and go,
"You can do it again."
652
00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:57,285
I was like, "I'm out."
653
00:33:57,368 --> 00:33:59,954
And just, no one got to ride it
'cause I couldn't ride it.
654
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:01,372
We all had to leave.
655
00:34:01,456 --> 00:34:02,832
Yeah, ruined it for everybody.
656
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:03,791
Uh…
657
00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:07,795
And that's claustrophobia,
just kind of ruins everybody's time.
658
00:34:08,504 --> 00:34:09,714
It's the… What's funny…
659
00:34:09,797 --> 00:34:12,300
The panic of claustrophobia
is pretty funny, though.
660
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,637
It's not funny when it's happening to you,
but how quick you go from normal
661
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:21,142
to just an insane person, is just…
It's all at the same time.
662
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:24,729
So it's all kind of new to me,
so I forget I have it,
663
00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:27,774
and I'll put myself in a situation,
and I go, "There it is."
664
00:34:27,857 --> 00:34:31,360
I got in an Uber once
with, like, seven people.
665
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:34,781
We get in, I go, "I'll get
in the third row." Try to be a good guy.
666
00:34:34,864 --> 00:34:37,492
I climb in the back,
they put all the seats up,
667
00:34:37,575 --> 00:34:39,077
and it just starts hitting me.
668
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:40,578
I'm back there, like… [sighs]
669
00:34:40,661 --> 00:34:43,956
Just trying to be normal,
you know, not talking.
670
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,709
Then you go, "Hey, you think
you can roll the window down?"
671
00:34:46,793 --> 00:34:49,587
"You know what, can everybody
just get out of the van real fast?"
672
00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:52,757
[chuckling] Just…
673
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,094
We're just driving down the interstate.
"Could y'all crack the window?"
674
00:34:56,177 --> 00:34:59,263
"Do you mind if I drive the Uber?
You think I could drive it?"
675
00:35:04,143 --> 00:35:07,188
So I was born in 1979.
676
00:35:07,271 --> 00:35:09,065
And the reason I say that,
677
00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:12,068
'cause if you are my age
or just right around my age,
678
00:35:12,151 --> 00:35:14,654
very, like… Maybe '78 to '80,
679
00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:17,240
you might realize,
or maybe you don't know,
680
00:35:17,323 --> 00:35:20,243
I've never been called
a Millennial or Generation X.
681
00:35:20,326 --> 00:35:23,371
I'd never even really heard
any of those terms growing up,
682
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:25,665
and now you hear them all the time.
683
00:35:25,748 --> 00:35:28,126
So I looked it up to see,
I was like, "What am I?"
684
00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:29,669
And I'm technically nothing.
685
00:35:29,752 --> 00:35:31,462
I'm on a cusp.
686
00:35:31,546 --> 00:35:33,339
I'm a generation gap.
687
00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:35,883
And what we are called… Xennials,
688
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:38,344
or we're called
The Oregon Trail generation.
689
00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:41,305
Or we're called…
My favorite name is The Lucky Ones.
690
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,516
And it's true. We're very lucky.
691
00:35:43,599 --> 00:35:45,852
We actually grew up
in two different worlds.
692
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:48,312
When I was a kid,
I grew up like it was the '50s.
693
00:35:48,396 --> 00:35:51,732
You would go outside, and your parents
just didn't know where you were.
694
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:55,820
We went to school and played
Oregon Trail on a computer at school.
695
00:35:55,903 --> 00:35:58,656
No one had a computer at home.
"What are you, a zillionaire?"
696
00:35:58,739 --> 00:36:00,032
Like, I mean, you couldn't…
697
00:36:01,325 --> 00:36:03,870
But then in high school, I had AOL.
698
00:36:03,953 --> 00:36:05,204
We had a computer at home.
699
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:07,748
Then I got a beeper,
and then I got a cellphone.
700
00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:11,460
I didn't have social media until I was 26,
with Myspace, you know?
701
00:36:11,544 --> 00:36:13,087
I mean, social media, like…
702
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:16,299
Whatever I did in high school's a rumor.
It can't ruin my life.
703
00:36:19,552 --> 00:36:22,013
So if you're around my age,
you might realize,
704
00:36:22,096 --> 00:36:24,515
you end up always being in the middle.
Like, I understand.
705
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:26,809
When a Gen-X'er says something,
you're like, "I get it."
706
00:36:26,893 --> 00:36:28,561
A Millennial says something, "I get it."
707
00:36:28,644 --> 00:36:31,898
You always feel in the middle.
And these groups all hate each other.
708
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:34,442
The most I've ever felt
where I was in the middle
709
00:36:34,525 --> 00:36:36,944
is just this one hotel that I stayed at.
710
00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:39,322
So a lot of hotels now,
they have Chromecast,
711
00:36:39,405 --> 00:36:41,782
and you can watch Netflix
in your hotel room.
712
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:44,493
So I'm watching.
I get in my room, and I turn it on.
713
00:36:44,577 --> 00:36:47,872
My Chromecast is not working.
So I called down to the front desk,
714
00:36:47,955 --> 00:36:50,625
and the oldest voice I ever heard
answered the phone.
715
00:36:50,708 --> 00:36:53,794
This guy was a Civil War survivor.
I mean, he…
716
00:36:54,795 --> 00:36:57,632
He was the age where you just go,
"Thank you for your service."
717
00:36:57,715 --> 00:37:00,176
Like, "Was he in the Army?"
You're like, "Probably, man."
718
00:37:00,259 --> 00:37:03,262
"There's an age where they all had to go
at that age, so just say it."
719
00:37:03,346 --> 00:37:04,305
Uh…
720
00:37:05,556 --> 00:37:08,100
So I tell him,
"Hey, my Chromecast is not working."
721
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:11,062
I could've just made up a word.
He's never heard of that.
722
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:13,731
I could have said,
"My beep-bop broke." I mean…
723
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,945
He asked if I was staying at that hotel.
That's how confused…
724
00:37:19,028 --> 00:37:20,363
He goes, "Are you staying here?"
725
00:37:20,446 --> 00:37:24,242
I was like, "Do you think I've called
a front desk from a different hotel room?"
726
00:37:27,828 --> 00:37:30,248
So he goes,
"Look, I don't know what this is,
727
00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:33,334
but there's a younger guy here.
I'll send him up. He'll help you."
728
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:34,585
And I was like, "Great."
729
00:37:34,669 --> 00:37:37,505
So that guy comes up
and he knocks on my door, I open it.
730
00:37:37,588 --> 00:37:41,008
He's my dad's age. Right when I see him,
you're like, "All right, dude."
731
00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:43,552
"We don't have to do this."
You know? I mean…
732
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:45,054
"I know you've heard of it,
733
00:37:45,137 --> 00:37:47,848
but if I can't fix it,
you're not gonna be able to fix it."
734
00:37:47,932 --> 00:37:51,560
But he's the generation
that still wants to give it a try, so…
735
00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:54,146
I gotta let him in.
736
00:37:54,230 --> 00:37:58,067
So he comes in my room, sits on my bed,
a little too far back, I thought.
737
00:37:58,150 --> 00:37:59,110
Uh…
738
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:03,781
I just remember the back of his calves
were touching the bed,
739
00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:07,618
and I was like, "Are your feet dangling?
How far back are you gonna go?" Uh…
740
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:11,747
"Are you cold?
Do you want some covers, man?"
741
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,961
He gets the remote
and just starts pressing all the buttons.
742
00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:18,879
I said, "I don't know if that'll do it."
743
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:20,881
He goes, "Let's just keep
trying it, though."
744
00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:22,633
I go, "All right." Uh… [chuckles]
745
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:25,553
"I'll turn the shower on, open a window.
Let's try everything."
746
00:38:25,636 --> 00:38:29,015
"Let's just see. Maybe it turns on.
Who knows? Maybe it's all connected."
747
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:33,185
We can't get it, and he goes, "All right,
748
00:38:33,269 --> 00:38:35,604
there's a younger guy,
he's about to come to work."
749
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,732
At this point I'm like,
"I'm the younger guy."
750
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:40,109
I was like,
"It's all right, dude. I don't need it."
751
00:38:40,192 --> 00:38:41,610
He goes, "No, it's a Millennial."
752
00:38:41,694 --> 00:38:44,238
And I was like,
"Now we're getting somewhere," you know?
753
00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:47,867
"This is what the Millennial does.
He was born with technology."
754
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:50,745
"He'll know how to fix this."
I was excited. I was like, "Great."
755
00:38:50,828 --> 00:38:53,331
He goes, "He comes to work in an hour."
I go, "Wonderful."
756
00:38:53,414 --> 00:38:55,958
Let me tell you, know how quick
that Millennial fixed it?
757
00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:59,420
I'll never know, 'cause he just didn't
come to work that night, so…
758
00:39:03,924 --> 00:39:05,259
Didn't call in, nothing.
759
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:09,055
I found out 'cause the old guy called me
'cause he was supposed to fill in for him.
760
00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:11,807
He was furious, dude.
He hates that Millennial.
761
00:39:11,891 --> 00:39:14,518
He goes, "He never comes to work,
he doesn't take it serious,
762
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:15,853
he's got a peanut allergy."
763
00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:17,396
I was like, "All right, well…"
764
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:23,736
I ended up fixing it myself
because it was just unplugged.
765
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:26,447
So, yeah, that's my fault.
766
00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:27,406
Uh…
767
00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:29,658
[laughs]
768
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,202
The next morning,
769
00:39:31,285 --> 00:39:33,704
I dealt with my daughter's generation.
770
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:37,583
Which is a generation that I feel like
just thinks about themselves, you know?
771
00:39:37,666 --> 00:39:40,461
And so I go down to breakfast,
they have the breakfast buffet.
772
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:41,754
We're all going through it,
773
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:44,715
this little girl's in front of me,
and she has waffles.
774
00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:46,008
So she gets a waffle,
775
00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:48,844
and there's a coffee pot worth
of syrup sitting on a plate.
776
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,389
So you pour it and
you leave it back on the plate,
777
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:53,432
and then you go and eat your breakfast.
778
00:39:53,516 --> 00:39:57,478
So she gets the syrup,
and she just takes it to her table.
779
00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:00,272
So now the syrup's gone.
780
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:02,733
And I see this happen,
but no one else does,
781
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,736
so I'm hearing people go through
and asking where the syrup's at.
782
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:07,405
It's starting to become a problem.
783
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:10,741
People are like, "Where's the syrup?"
The hotel's like, "I don't know."
784
00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:13,327
"That's all the syrup we have,
was out there."
785
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:17,415
I know where it's at,
but I'm not trying to get involved.
786
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:18,749
I didn't wake up and think,
787
00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:21,252
"I hope I get to talk
to everybody this morning."
788
00:40:23,170 --> 00:40:25,089
When you roll out of bed, you're not like,
789
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:27,675
"I hope I'm about to get
in the thick of it down there."
790
00:40:29,343 --> 00:40:31,971
So I'm just trying to say stuff
as I walk by people.
791
00:40:32,054 --> 00:40:34,974
"Maybe someone took it to their table,
look around, maybe."
792
00:40:35,057 --> 00:40:36,392
I just, like, keep going.
793
00:40:36,475 --> 00:40:39,520
"You see that little girl's table
over there? Maybe they have it."
794
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:43,816
And no one's picking up on this.
So I just have to go get it.
795
00:40:43,899 --> 00:40:45,985
This girl's sitting
with a bunch of her friends.
796
00:40:46,068 --> 00:40:47,611
So I go over to them,
797
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:50,156
and I was like,
"Hey, can we get that syrup back?"
798
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,283
"That's kind of for the entire hotel."
799
00:40:52,366 --> 00:40:56,495
And she goes… They go, "Whatever."
All of them just blew me off.
800
00:40:57,246 --> 00:40:58,664
Then the father in me kicks in.
801
00:40:58,747 --> 00:41:01,417
I go, "All right. Just a heads up,
just so you guys know,
802
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:04,837
I did nothing wrong, and you guys
have ruined breakfast for everybody."
803
00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:08,966
"I don't know if you've ever
eaten out in public before,
804
00:41:09,049 --> 00:41:11,302
but do you see me over here
with the tub of eggs?"
805
00:41:11,385 --> 00:41:12,720
"Do I have all the eggs?"
806
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:15,973
"You did everything else,
and for some reason you thought,
807
00:41:16,056 --> 00:41:18,851
'I bet this is all my syrup.'
And where are your parents at?"
808
00:41:18,934 --> 00:41:21,854
A couple of them started crying.
Felt good, to be honest.
809
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:25,191
I was away for a little bit.
810
00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:28,068
I like to practice on other children,
you know, my discipline.
811
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,492
And to make fun of my generation,
812
00:41:34,575 --> 00:41:37,077
just so it doesn't seem
like I'm trying to skip over.
813
00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:40,706
Another hotel I was at…
Another syrup incident, actually.
814
00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:42,958
I mean, I'm a big fan
of waffles with syrup.
815
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:45,628
I'm around syrup quite a bit, and…
816
00:41:46,504 --> 00:41:49,340
We're at a Holiday Inn Express,
so the breakfast buffet there,
817
00:41:49,423 --> 00:41:53,010
they have the cereal where you turn
the knob and four pieces fall out.
818
00:41:53,093 --> 00:41:55,846
It's like how you feed a cat
for a long weekend, you know?
819
00:41:55,930 --> 00:41:57,681
You're like, "That's enough." Uh…
820
00:41:59,141 --> 00:42:00,559
They had batter and syrup.
821
00:42:00,643 --> 00:42:02,937
They had the waffle iron
where you make it yourself.
822
00:42:03,020 --> 00:42:06,190
You pour batter on the waffle iron,
you shut it, turn it over, it locks.
823
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:09,026
It cooks for two minutes,
you turn it over, you open it.
824
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:11,695
Half the waffle comes off,
half stays forever.
825
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,823
That's how you eat a waffle.
826
00:42:16,116 --> 00:42:19,954
I'm with a buddy of mine that's my age,
so we go through, he's in front of me.
827
00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:22,748
Not really talking or anything,
just going through.
828
00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:25,793
He gets to it. The batter and syrup,
they're in clear containers.
829
00:42:25,876 --> 00:42:28,295
They're not labeled,
but they're in clear containers.
830
00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:31,298
He gets the syrup
and starts pouring it on the waffle iron.
831
00:42:32,299 --> 00:42:34,760
I'm not even stopping him,
'cause he's not doing it,
832
00:42:34,843 --> 00:42:36,387
going, "I've never done it."
833
00:42:36,470 --> 00:42:39,557
He's doing it where
we're probably going to try it after.
834
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,475
I mean, he's just like…
835
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:44,645
You're like, "Dude, I can't wait
to see what this guy's making."
836
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:47,106
"He might know something
that I don't know."
837
00:42:47,189 --> 00:42:49,650
He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks.
838
00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:52,611
He's looking at us, we're like…
I mean, the whole line's like,
839
00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:54,613
"Yeah, what is that going to be?"
840
00:42:57,199 --> 00:43:00,160
And it makes black smoke,
is what it makes.
841
00:43:00,244 --> 00:43:05,040
Just, I mean, dark, black smoke
just starts filling the lobby.
842
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,042
The manager comes over.
"What are you doing?"
843
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:09,670
"I guess I poured the wrong one.
These are not labeled."
844
00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:12,339
The guy's like,
"They're in clear containers."
845
00:43:13,799 --> 00:43:16,010
Do you not know
the difference of batter and syrup?"
846
00:43:16,093 --> 00:43:17,845
He's like,
"I bet it happens all the time."
847
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:20,472
He goes, "I've worked here
my whole life, I've never seen this."
848
00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:25,311
So they threw the waffle iron…
They just throw it away.
849
00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:28,480
That's what they have to do,
just throw it away. It's over.
850
00:43:28,564 --> 00:43:31,442
Now there's no waffles.
We went from "all about to get a waffle,"
851
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:33,736
to "it's upside down in a trash can."
852
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:38,157
Then he just turns and looks,
853
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:41,577
and it's just a line of people
with that little foam plate.
854
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:44,997
And just everybody's sad.
855
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:49,251
I just hear someone in the back go,
"I set my alarm for this."
856
00:43:52,838 --> 00:43:56,300
Two guys didn't have shoes on, "I ran down
with no shoes in that elevator."
857
00:43:56,383 --> 00:43:57,885
"I thought I was gonna miss it."
858
00:44:01,221 --> 00:44:04,558
So my parents are in their sixties.
859
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:09,396
And when your parents hit their sixties,
just so you know, you kinda realize…
860
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,191
You go, "All right,
I'm in charge of this family now,"
861
00:44:12,274 --> 00:44:13,150
you know?
862
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:16,779
They don't give it up,
they don't offer it away.
863
00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:20,324
They just start doing stuff that
you're like, "I don't know," you know?
864
00:44:21,325 --> 00:44:24,787
We went to the store the other day,
and we walk back to the car.
865
00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:27,581
We were in the store for an hour.
We walk back, my dad's…
866
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,583
The driver's side door is wide open.
867
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:32,586
He drove,
868
00:44:33,545 --> 00:44:37,007
got open the door to go inside,
and just kept walking.
869
00:44:39,218 --> 00:44:41,178
He's been driving for 50 years.
870
00:44:41,929 --> 00:44:43,639
And I know cars are getting crazy,
871
00:44:43,722 --> 00:44:46,350
but one thing that's stayed
the same in all these 50 years
872
00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:48,560
is you gotta open
and shut that front door.
873
00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:54,024
My dad wore my mom's pants to a funeral.
874
00:44:56,860 --> 00:44:59,738
That was the day I was like,
"We can't listen to this guy no more,"
875
00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:00,948
you know?
876
00:45:01,615 --> 00:45:04,368
"We gotta go get him.
He doesn't know what's happening."
877
00:45:06,328 --> 00:45:10,457
It usually starts happening when you start
doing the holidays at your house
878
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:13,168
instead of your parents' house.
That's when it starts.
879
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:17,756
And so my parents, once we did that,
they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome.
880
00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,300
So they still wanted to do
Thanksgiving at their house,
881
00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:21,969
but they don't have the room for us.
882
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:23,804
There's, like, 20 of us.
883
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:27,182
It's like a college kid being like,
"Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?"
884
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,476
There's a table for four,
885
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,563
and then they have to put
a train of TV trays and nightstands
886
00:45:32,646 --> 00:45:35,149
that just weaves down this hallway.
887
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:38,193
You're sitting on stairs.
We made the kids go eat in the car.
888
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:41,029
We just go, "Go back in the car.
You can't even eat inside."
889
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:42,990
My mom didn't have ketchup.
890
00:45:43,073 --> 00:45:46,034
I was like, "Everybody just has ketchup.
It just comes in houses."
891
00:45:46,952 --> 00:45:48,579
If I went to some alcoholic's house,
892
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:50,748
he'd have ketchup.
His whole family'd be gone,
893
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,876
but I'd say, "You have ketchup?"
He'd be like, "I'm not that gone, man."
894
00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:00,132
So I was… I grew up in the '80s and '90s.
895
00:46:00,215 --> 00:46:02,009
I was a kid in the '80s and '90s.
896
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:06,013
During the '80s and '90s, kids were
getting kidnapped pretty rapidly.
897
00:46:07,514 --> 00:46:11,351
And look, I'm not trying to say
we were more desirable or something.
898
00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:12,311
I…
899
00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:17,483
I think we were outside more,
a lot more opportunity, you know?
900
00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:19,943
Also a lot easier to get us into vans.
901
00:46:20,694 --> 00:46:22,780
Uh, didn't take much. And…
902
00:46:23,655 --> 00:46:28,035
So parents back then, they would watch TV,
and I think it would scare the parents.
903
00:46:28,118 --> 00:46:30,704
You know, you realize now,
now everything's a crime show.
904
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:34,082
Everything you watch is crime,
podcasts are crime, movies are crime.
905
00:46:34,166 --> 00:46:35,417
You almost see it so much.
906
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:37,419
But back then,
you only had so many channels,
907
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:40,464
and when they'd watch these shows,
they were very powerful shows.
908
00:46:40,547 --> 00:46:43,717
My parents used to watch
a show called Rescue 911,
909
00:46:43,801 --> 00:46:45,969
and it would just show
reenactments of crimes,
910
00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:46,970
and it was powerful.
911
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,181
I've seen three seconds of Rescue 911.
912
00:46:49,264 --> 00:46:51,183
I remember
walking through the living room,
913
00:46:51,266 --> 00:46:54,686
my parents are watching it,
I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on,
914
00:46:54,770 --> 00:46:57,439
a woman is asleep with her feet out
from under the covers,
915
00:46:57,523 --> 00:46:59,149
and he started rubbing her foot.
916
00:46:59,733 --> 00:47:01,610
That's all I saw. I kept walking.
917
00:47:02,319 --> 00:47:04,196
I don't know what happened
before or after,
918
00:47:04,279 --> 00:47:07,908
but I know I've never been able to sleep
with my feet out from under the covers,
919
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,620
because I accidentally
saw that 30 years ago.
920
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:15,874
And my feet get so hot,
and I want to put 'em out so bad.
921
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:21,797
I mean, I try it every night for 30 years,
922
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:25,634
and then that image pops in my head,
and I yank 'em right back under.
923
00:47:27,386 --> 00:47:28,595
I'll be in a hotel room
924
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:31,348
like, "He can't get in here, dude,
you've locked everything."
925
00:47:31,431 --> 00:47:33,684
I'm like, "That's exactly
what he's been waiting for."
926
00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:35,394
"He's probably already in here."
927
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:43,569
So my parents, I think, watched
a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing,
928
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:44,987
so it got 'em scared.
929
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:48,156
And I think they took it as,
"Look, you guys are getting kidnapped."
930
00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,659
"There's nothing we can do.
It's happening."
931
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:52,870
So they wanted us to be prepared for it.
932
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:55,831
So instead of, like,
I don't know, self-defense,
933
00:47:55,914 --> 00:47:59,418
give us a gun, I don't know,
something, what they did was…
934
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:02,421
You know how you always hand out
flyers if a kid goes missing?
935
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:04,715
They're like,
"Let's just get that flyer ready."
936
00:48:05,924 --> 00:48:07,843
"We'll just do that," you know?
937
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:10,888
If a kid goes missing,
they always have a flyer.
938
00:48:10,971 --> 00:48:13,515
They put a picture of the kid
and all the information below,
939
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:15,726
so the height, weight,
eye color, all that stuff.
940
00:48:15,809 --> 00:48:18,186
So instead of making a flyer,
what they made us do
941
00:48:18,270 --> 00:48:22,691
was we wrote on a piece of paper
our name, height, weight, eye color,
942
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:25,569
and then we just held it
up against the wall,
943
00:48:25,652 --> 00:48:27,529
and they just took a picture of us.
944
00:48:28,530 --> 00:48:31,408
So the picture is
us holding our own information.
945
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:38,040
And they said, "When the cops are like,
'Hey, let's get a flyer ready,'
946
00:48:38,123 --> 00:48:41,501
we'll be like, 'Well,
we've been rooting for this to happen.'"
947
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:45,380
"'We already have one made.'
We'll give that to the police."
948
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:49,301
Which, if we would have been kidnapped,
my parents would be in prison right now.
949
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,096
No one's going to believe
you pre-took pictures.
950
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,350
They'll just look at this and be like,
"Just tell us where the kids are at."
951
00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:59,436
"That would be the easiest thing to do.
I've never seen this ever."
952
00:49:01,647 --> 00:49:03,523
They had to go get that
printed at Walmart too.
953
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:05,359
You couldn't do that at home.
954
00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:07,611
You had to go show people
that you're crazy.
955
00:49:08,403 --> 00:49:10,447
We walked in Walmart.
The guy's probably like,
956
00:49:10,530 --> 00:49:14,242
"Could I talk to your kids by themselves
for a bit? I'd love to chat with them."
957
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:19,247
So I'm, uh, married as well.
958
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:23,460
We… Me and my wife just celebrated
our 14th wedding anniversary.
959
00:49:23,543 --> 00:49:25,712
-And… Thank you.
-[audience applauds]
960
00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:30,342
Uh, we've been together for 20 years,
961
00:49:30,425 --> 00:49:33,303
and I met her,
it was before I ever started comedy.
962
00:49:33,387 --> 00:49:36,223
We both worked at Applebee's together,
is where we met.
963
00:49:36,306 --> 00:49:39,393
We're big Applebee's fans
still to this day.
964
00:49:39,476 --> 00:49:40,852
-[helicopter whirring]
-Hold on.
965
00:49:40,936 --> 00:49:44,690
Let me just… It feels like…
Yeah, that's a good one.
966
00:49:47,025 --> 00:49:49,361
How many…
Are they not all doing the same job?
967
00:49:49,444 --> 00:49:50,529
You know, like…
968
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,782
Wouldn't they just be
like, "I'm already over here,
969
00:49:53,865 --> 00:49:56,034
so you don't gotta come over here,"
you know?
970
00:49:56,118 --> 00:49:58,662
That's what they should do.
They should talk more.
971
00:49:58,745 --> 00:50:02,207
"I'm over here," and he goes,
"Okay, I didn't realize you were over--"
972
00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:05,544
He's like, "Yeah, so don't go.
I'll stay here, and you stay over there."
973
00:50:05,627 --> 00:50:08,588
"That's our main thing, is that
we can stay right here, you know?"
974
00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:12,884
All right.
975
00:50:12,968 --> 00:50:15,137
So my wife and I, we met at Applebee's.
976
00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:17,222
And before I ever started comedy.
977
00:50:17,305 --> 00:50:19,766
I was a host, and she was a server.
978
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:21,893
And someone asked her recently, they said,
979
00:50:21,977 --> 00:50:25,355
"Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine
when you started dating
980
00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:27,733
that your lives would become
all that it's become?"
981
00:50:27,816 --> 00:50:29,735
She said, "When I met him, he was a host,
982
00:50:29,818 --> 00:50:32,571
and I didn't think he was
smart enough to be a server."
983
00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:34,239
So, yeah.
984
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:37,242
We've gone a little bit farther
than I expected. You know?
985
00:50:37,325 --> 00:50:38,368
[chuckles]
986
00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:40,287
I told her
I wanted to be a server one day.
987
00:50:40,370 --> 00:50:42,664
She's like, "You keep
dreaming that dream, all right?"
988
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,542
"I think if you try hard,
you can get that menu memorized."
989
00:50:48,336 --> 00:50:52,507
Me and my wife…
So I'm the dreamer of our group.
990
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:56,303
I feel like in a marriage,
one of you is a dreamer, you know,
991
00:50:56,386 --> 00:51:00,057
"Money's not real, let's have fun,
let's go do fun stuff as much as we can."
992
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:01,933
And the other person hates fun.
993
00:51:03,977 --> 00:51:05,395
That's how you make a marriage.
994
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:08,190
You can't have two dreamers,
you'll be homeless in an hour.
995
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:10,901
You need someone that walks around,
996
00:51:10,984 --> 00:51:13,111
"Is fun happening?
I'd like to put a stop to that."
997
00:51:13,820 --> 00:51:17,032
"Are y'all having fun? Stop it.
Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off."
998
00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:20,660
I married my dad, is who I married.
999
00:51:21,244 --> 00:51:25,582
My dad, who I thought air conditioning
cost $100,000 a day to run it.
1000
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:30,962
We'd be on car rides, I thought
if you turned it on, your car exploded.
1001
00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:33,340
Like, just gas, you were out immediately.
1002
00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,217
"Someone turn the air conditioner on?"
1003
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:39,638
My wife's always around too, I feel.
Just always, like, near, you know…
1004
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:41,890
Especially at home,
it's like I married a cat.
1005
00:51:41,973 --> 00:51:44,017
I'm like, "You're just always on me."
1006
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:48,897
If I go to the bathroom, she's like,
"I'm gonna paint the bathroom door
1007
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:50,148
while you're in there."
1008
00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:54,486
I'm like, "You couldn't do it later?"
"No, I had all the time to do it."
1009
00:51:54,569 --> 00:51:57,697
"I thought I'd wait till you went in,
that's when I was gonna start."
1010
00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:03,161
If I eat something she doesn't approve of,
she just pops up, man.
1011
00:52:03,745 --> 00:52:05,080
I mean, I'll try to sneak it.
1012
00:52:05,163 --> 00:52:09,084
I could eat an Oreo cookie
in the attic at 3:00 a.m.,
1013
00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:11,628
and I would bet my life
a light would cut on
1014
00:52:11,711 --> 00:52:14,089
and she'd be like,
"What are you doing up here?"
1015
00:52:16,508 --> 00:52:18,844
If I question it, like,
"What are you doing here?"
1016
00:52:18,927 --> 00:52:21,763
She's like, "I'm always here.
This is when I do my attic stuff."
1017
00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:28,103
She put Life360 on my phone,
1018
00:52:28,186 --> 00:52:30,564
so they can track you
even when they're not near you.
1019
00:52:30,647 --> 00:52:32,983
You might not even know
you have it on your phone.
1020
00:52:33,066 --> 00:52:35,443
It's worse than
what the government's doing.
1021
00:52:35,527 --> 00:52:38,238
I would rather
the government track me than her.
1022
00:52:39,030 --> 00:52:41,199
She calls me,
"Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?"
1023
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:43,618
I'm like, "I'm not gonna
live like this, all right?"
1024
00:52:45,287 --> 00:52:48,165
If I want donuts, I'm not gonna
lock my phone in a gym locker
1025
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:50,333
and go pay cash for donuts.
1026
00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:57,424
I've done it,
but I'm not gonna do it every time.
1027
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,638
God forbid
I go to a store she has a coupon for.
1028
00:53:03,722 --> 00:53:06,308
I'm out walking in the parking lot,
just get a call,
1029
00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,059
"Don't buy anything. I have a coupon."
1030
00:53:08,143 --> 00:53:10,312
Like, "Do you think
I'm gonna come home and get it?"
1031
00:53:10,395 --> 00:53:12,355
"Is that what you think's
about to happen?"
1032
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,858
"I'm going to try to pay more,
now that you called."
1033
00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:17,110
"I don't even know if Target allows that,
1034
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,946
but I'm gonna try
to negotiate up on this toothpaste."
1035
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:24,451
"You better hope they don't ask me
to round up. I'm rounding up."
1036
00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:28,705
I hate coupons so much,
and she's addicted to 'em.
1037
00:53:29,289 --> 00:53:33,501
She will not let me… "I got a coupon."
Like, I just feel so stupid.
1038
00:53:34,294 --> 00:53:35,879
I'm buying deodorant and I'm like,
1039
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:38,465
"I don't have all the money,
but I'm almost there,
1040
00:53:38,548 --> 00:53:40,008
but I do have this coupon."
1041
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:43,470
"One day,
I hope to be able to pay full price."
1042
00:53:43,553 --> 00:53:45,764
"We are saving up as much as we can."
1043
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:50,477
One of the best fights
we got in… It's not…
1044
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,772
I mean, the fight wasn't good,
just ridiculous fight.
1045
00:53:54,439 --> 00:53:56,733
…was over the saying "one fell swoop."
1046
00:53:57,692 --> 00:53:58,902
Just over that saying.
1047
00:53:58,985 --> 00:54:01,029
-[helicopter whirring]
-My wife and I…
1048
00:54:01,112 --> 00:54:06,159
Hold on, let me… This is the last one.
I just hear one in the background.
1049
00:54:06,243 --> 00:54:08,411
'Cause you hear it from a far distance,
1050
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:10,538
and then it's like he's going that way.
1051
00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:13,041
Doesn't it sound like
he's going the other way? Right?
1052
00:54:13,124 --> 00:54:16,753
Y'all are like, "We don't even hear it,"
and I'm just up here, I mean…
1053
00:54:16,836 --> 00:54:19,339
Just haunts me for the rest of my life.
1054
00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:22,092
Every show, we're back doing theaters,
I'm like, "Is that…"
1055
00:54:22,175 --> 00:54:25,178
"You guys hear a helicopter?"
You're like, "Inside the building?"
1056
00:54:25,262 --> 00:54:27,222
I'm like, "Yeah, does everybody hear it?"
1057
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:30,642
"Everybody, get down, quiet down.
Is that a helicopter in this…"
1058
00:54:34,688 --> 00:54:35,647
All right.
1059
00:54:35,730 --> 00:54:38,483
So we got in the fight
over the phrase "one fell swoop."
1060
00:54:39,150 --> 00:54:40,193
Just over this saying.
1061
00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,488
And if you're a newlywed and you're like,
"That doesn't make sense,"
1062
00:54:43,571 --> 00:54:46,658
you're right, it doesn't.
This is a double-digit married fight.
1063
00:54:46,741 --> 00:54:49,119
This is when
you've already done all the dish fighting
1064
00:54:49,202 --> 00:54:51,162
or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting.
1065
00:54:51,246 --> 00:54:54,457
This is when they're trying
to mentally break you. Uh…
1066
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,918
They got you almost how they want you,
1067
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:59,087
and this is the one
that sends it over the edge.
1068
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:03,508
So my wife wanted to go visit
her parents one weekend,
1069
00:55:03,591 --> 00:55:05,260
and her parents are divorced,
1070
00:55:05,343 --> 00:55:08,305
which has been
hardest on me, to be honest.
1071
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:11,641
That's something people don't talk about,
when you marry into divorce.
1072
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,518
They divorced because of her, not me,
1073
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:16,938
so why do I have to go
to 50 different houses?
1074
00:55:21,192 --> 00:55:22,068
[chuckles] So…
1075
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:24,696
She wanted to visit her parents.
1076
00:55:24,779 --> 00:55:26,489
She said, "I wanna do it
in one fell swoop."
1077
00:55:26,573 --> 00:55:29,409
Now, I've never heard my wife
say the phrase "one fell swoop."
1078
00:55:29,492 --> 00:55:31,745
We've been together 20 years,
she's never said it.
1079
00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:33,621
It felt like someone that day told her,
1080
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:36,624
"Hey, you should start using
'one fell swoop' more."
1081
00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:39,085
She goes, "I'm about to call my husband."
1082
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:41,796
It goes, "Perfect,
use it 40 to 50 times on him."
1083
00:55:43,006 --> 00:55:46,176
She calls and goes, "I wanna visit
my parents in one fell swoop."
1084
00:55:46,259 --> 00:55:48,386
I go, "Let's do it in one fell swoop."
She goes,
1085
00:55:48,470 --> 00:55:51,473
"I wanna do it in one fell swoop."
I go, "Let's do it in one fell swoop."
1086
00:55:51,556 --> 00:55:53,391
"Let's swoop it up, I'm down."
1087
00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:56,353
She kept saying it. "One fell swoop,"
over and over again.
1088
00:55:56,936 --> 00:56:01,024
And then when she went to describe
this one fell swoop trip, she goes,
1089
00:56:01,107 --> 00:56:04,527
"We'll go to my mom's,
come home, then go to my dad's."
1090
00:56:04,611 --> 00:56:08,990
And so I just, like, waited,
and she didn't say anything,
1091
00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:11,826
and I just go, "That's not
what 'one fell swoop' means."
1092
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,747
And instead of possibly just being wrong,
1093
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:17,916
she goes,
"I know what 'one fell swoop' means."
1094
00:56:17,999 --> 00:56:20,960
I go, "Yeah?
It doesn't sound like you do, all right?"
1095
00:56:21,628 --> 00:56:23,004
"We have the same last name."
1096
00:56:23,088 --> 00:56:25,799
"I can't have you out there
in a 'one fell swoop' conversation."
1097
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,968
"What do you think
'two birds, one stone' means?"
1098
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:31,554
"Let's go through them all.
I dunno if you know any of these."
1099
00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:35,725
She hangs up on me.
1100
00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:39,813
So I get home, and you know when
you walk home and you've been in a fight,
1101
00:56:39,896 --> 00:56:43,358
and you're like, "All right, how long
is this fight? Is it happening still?"
1102
00:56:43,441 --> 00:56:46,277
"Is it over? I don't know."
I got to feel it out, you know?
1103
00:56:46,361 --> 00:56:50,240
She never uses words like "sorry."
I'd love to hear that.
1104
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:52,951
That's a word she definitely
doesn't know what it means.
1105
00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:56,037
I say it all the time. I walk
around the house with a sack of sorrys,
1106
00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:58,289
just handing them out all day.
1107
00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:00,917
I tried to give her some.
"Would you like to carry these?"
1108
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,128
She's like,
"I don't have pockets, so I'm good."
1109
00:57:05,588 --> 00:57:08,591
We didn't talk that whole night.
We're sitting there, our daughter…
1110
00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:10,552
We're watching TV, eating.
1111
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,221
And I'm like, "Hey, you know
your mom's crazy, right?"
1112
00:57:13,304 --> 00:57:17,016
She's like, "Did you do your homework?
You don't wanna be dumb like your dad."
1113
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:20,228
And then our daughter's just like,
"Are y'all lunatics?"
1114
00:57:23,314 --> 00:57:24,774
So I'm laying on the couch,
1115
00:57:24,858 --> 00:57:27,318
and my wife just came over
and she kisses me goodnight,
1116
00:57:27,402 --> 00:57:29,779
and then she went to bed, and that was it.
1117
00:57:29,863 --> 00:57:32,407
You know? I felt like
it was her "sorry," I guess,
1118
00:57:32,490 --> 00:57:33,867
but she didn't say it.
1119
00:57:33,950 --> 00:57:36,703
So I laid there, just thinking about it.
You think about it a lot
1120
00:57:36,786 --> 00:57:38,830
'cause you learn
the longer you're married,
1121
00:57:38,913 --> 00:57:41,374
sometimes it's like,
let stuff go, you know? Who cares.
1122
00:57:41,458 --> 00:57:44,419
The next morning I get up
and I still want to talk about it,
1123
00:57:44,502 --> 00:57:46,588
'cause we didn't talk all night, you know?
1124
00:57:46,671 --> 00:57:50,425
So I went to her, I was like,
"Look, I got to tell you, I mean,
1125
00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:52,510
it's just not what it means, you know?"
1126
00:57:53,553 --> 00:57:56,055
And that, that got it going real good.
1127
00:57:56,139 --> 00:57:59,392
Uh, but I felt so good
about this argument,
1128
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:01,227
you know, I thought about it all night.
1129
00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:04,606
I was like, "You got this one in the bag,
man. You should bring it back up."
1130
00:58:04,689 --> 00:58:07,108
"I'm not trying to date her anymore
I'd like to win a fight."
1131
00:58:07,192 --> 00:58:08,568
"We're gonna die together."
1132
00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:13,072
I almost woke her up in her sleep,
that's how much I was so excited.
1133
00:58:13,156 --> 00:58:16,075
I almost started shaking her going,
"It's not what it means."
1134
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:20,705
Our marriage almost ended
in one fell swoop, so…
1135
00:58:21,206 --> 00:58:23,750
All right. Thank you guys
so much for coming out to this.
1136
00:58:23,833 --> 00:58:25,168
Truly appreciate it.
1137
00:58:25,251 --> 00:58:26,878
[audience cheers and applauds]
1138
00:58:26,961 --> 00:58:28,463
♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪
1139
00:58:28,546 --> 00:58:29,464
♪ Family ♪
1140
00:58:29,547 --> 00:58:30,840
♪ Take it a la carte ♪
1141
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:32,217
♪ Family ♪
1142
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:33,426
♪ All four seasons ♪
1143
00:58:33,510 --> 00:58:34,385
♪ Family ♪
1144
00:58:34,469 --> 00:58:36,012
♪ Well, bless your heart ♪
1145
00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,359
-[Nic] You don't know Tonya Harding?
-I don't know Tonya. No.
1146
00:58:49,442 --> 00:58:52,070
Everybody knows that reference,
all sports fans.
1147
00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:54,197
-You don't know who Tonya Harding is?
-[laughs]
1148
00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,199
Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude!
1149
00:58:56,282 --> 00:58:58,284
I swear! I can't believe
you don't know this.
1150
00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:00,370
I'm the biggest sports fan in your life.
1151
00:59:00,453 --> 00:59:02,956
If I don't know, I guarantee
no one else watching this knows.
1152
00:59:03,039 --> 00:59:05,583
You ask them,
"Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,"
1153
00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:10,004
you're gonna have 80% of America,
is gonna know. Eighty percent!
1154
00:59:10,088 --> 00:59:12,715
You don't have
80% of this bus that knows it!
1155
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:14,884
One finished first, one finished second?
1156
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,761
I mean, come on!
1157
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:18,721
I mean, come on!
1158
00:59:18,805 --> 00:59:23,309
I convinced Nic that I didn't know who
Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were.
1159
00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,354
Nic is learning this,
that I do know who they are,
1160
00:59:26,437 --> 00:59:28,314
he's learning right now with you.
1161
00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:30,692
I never told him.
1162
00:59:30,775 --> 00:59:32,527
I absolutely know who they are.
1163
00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:37,824
You're literally saying that,
"This is the first time he's hearing it,"
1164
00:59:37,907 --> 00:59:39,701
and I'm like, "It is the first time!"
1165
00:59:39,784 --> 00:59:41,244
I keep going… Hitting my head.
1166
00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:44,664
-[man] It was pretty great, yeah.
-"Come on! Come on!"