WEBVTT FILE

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[theme music plays]

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[grunts]

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Ugh!

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I guess I should go do my show now.

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[groans]

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[announcer] <i>Ladies and gentlemen,</i>

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<i>Nicole Byer!</i>

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[audience applauds and cheers]

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Hi.

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Oh, thank you so much for coming out.

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What a treat, what a dream!

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[audience cheers]

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I am so excited to be doing this here

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in New York City!

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[audience cheers and applauds]

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It's the city
where I started doing comedy.

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It is the city
where I dropped a piece of pizza

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cheese side down…

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and then ate it!

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[giggles]

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It's also the city
where I fucked a cab driver…

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[giggles]

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…and was fingered by another.

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[audience cheers]

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All right.

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I know everyone's tired of talking about

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Corona and the pandemie,
but we're going to talk about it

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'cause I took a year
out of my fucking life, okay?

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[audience cheers]

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I think dads had it really hard

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during the pandemie.

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I call it "the pandemie",
keep it light, keep it fresh.

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[audience laughs]

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But yeah, dads had it really hard in 2020,

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because it's tough to be absentee
when you can't go nowhere.

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[audience laughs]

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There's a dad here
who that hit right in the heart.

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[audience laughs]

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Also, I think they went
about masks the wrong way.

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They were like, "Wear a mask.
Save somebody else now."

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No, we are very selfish people.

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They should have been like,

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"If you think you're pretty,
you'll wear a mask!"

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[audience laughs]

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"Only cute people wear masks!

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If you're a cutie with a booty,
you'll wear a mask!"

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[audience laughs]

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Because the ugliest motherfuckers

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didn't want to wear the mask.

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[audience laughs and applauds]

53
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No.

54
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They were like,
"What about my civil liberties?"

55
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I'm just like, "Ugh, your face
is a civil disobedience, okay?"

56
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[audience laughs]

57
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So something I did during the pandemie is

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I went to a drive-by funeral for a cat.

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[audience laughs]

60
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There is no joke there.

61
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[audience laughs]

62
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It's just an activity that I did.

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So my friend Marcy's little black cat,
Bo, tragically passed away.

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So a friend of ours emailed
our friend group and said,

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"Hey, let's drive by
her house and scream."

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[audience laughs]

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So that's what we did.

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We drove past her house
at five miles an hour being like,

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"I am sorry!"

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And she was crying and I was like,

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"Are you sad or embarrassed?"

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[audience laughs]

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But you can't ask nobody that.

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So later we're recording our podcast,

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it's about <i>90 Day Fiancé</i>.

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[audience cheers]

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Oh, okay. Six people know.

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All right, everybody else out there,
get the fuck up into it, okay?

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It is the wildest
fucking show on television.

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So we're recording our podcast,
it's called <i>90 Day Bae</i>,

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it's on Patreon, it's five dollars.

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And we're on Zoom.

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Does everyone here know what Zoom is?

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[audience laughs]

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[audience laughs louder]

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Is everyone on Zoom?

87
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Do we know what Zoom is?

88
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What the fuck is Zoom?

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The definition of "zoom" is to move fast.
To where, my living room?

90
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So…

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we're on Zoom talking about
these lunatics and…

92
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all of a sudden
this little black cat jumps behind her.

93
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And I was like…

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"Oh no.

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Oh no, I'm going to have to tell my friend

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that when she turns around

97
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the ghost of her dead cat…

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is behind her having a nice time.

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I'm going to have to tell my friend

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that there's a haunting in her home."

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And I started crying, actual tears.

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And Marcy was like,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

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I said, "Marcy,

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when you turn around,

105
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the ghost of your dead cat is there."

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And Marcy said, "Nicole,

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I got a new cat."

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[audience laughs]

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You got to tell a bitch that, okay?

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I told that story to my therapist

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and she laughed at me.

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[audience laughs]

113
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And I was like, "One, I pay you too much.

114
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Two, it was 2020. We had murder hornets.

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It could have been
a fucking ghost cat, okay?"

116
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-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!

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Are there Black people here?

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[audience cheers]

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Ooh, yes!

120
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I got one right down the front!

121
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Yes! Rosa sat for us all!

122
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And it's not just buses.

123
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Can I--

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[laughs]

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Can I ask you a question?

126
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Okay, so at the height of the
Black Lives Matter protest last summer,

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I don't know about you,

128
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but every single White person

129
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I blinked at, waved at, smiled at,
kicked a leg up at, texted me.

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[audience laughs]

131
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I heard a lot of White laughter.
They were like, "Yes, I texted."

132
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But-- [chuckles]

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"Did they text you?"

134
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Yeah. Did the text message say,

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"If there's anything I can do,
let me know"?

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Yes! What the fuck, White people?

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[audience laughs]

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What the fuck?

139
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I don't need to know that
I'm your only Black friend.

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[audience laughs]

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Keep that shit locked in your heart.

142
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Also, I don't need anything, I'm alive.

143
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Ha-ha! But…

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[audience laughs]

145
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[laughs]

146
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But I do gotta say,

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I was deeply, truly offended

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that the only White people

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who didn't text me

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were all the White dudes I ever fucked.

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[audience laughs]

152
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I was like, "Excuse me!"

153
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Do Black lives only matter
when you're inside of one?

154
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Oh come on, White people!

155
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[audience laughs]

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Come on!

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Pack up your White guilt
and send it via the postal service!

158
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Do you remember
before the election when we thought

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the post office was closing?

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[audience laughs]

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What a goofy ass year!

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We were all like,

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"We got to go buy stamps!
For who? We're on Zoom!"

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[audience laughs]

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[applause and cheers]

166
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But I do like fucking White dudes.

167
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[audience laughs]

168
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I like to fuck 'em so hard
their ancestors cry.

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[audience laughs]

170
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I got another one.

171
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I love fucking White dudes.

172
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Ooh I love it.

173
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But I have to be careful

174
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because I like rough sex

175
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and there's a right way
to get tied up and a wrong way.

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[audience laughs]

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I got another!

178
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[audience applauds]

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Ooh baby, I love fucking White dudes.

180
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Ooh I love it!

181
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I just like the feeling
of privilege inside of me.

182
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[audience cheers and applauds]

183
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I'm kidding.

184
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I don't only fuck White dudes.

185
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I raised my pussy to not see color.

186
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[audience laughs]

187
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But I am horny.

188
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And it got to critical levels last year.
It was bad. It was a Code Red.

189
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And I was trying to figure out
how to fuck safely.

190
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I was like,
"I'll make these dudes wear a mask."

191
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No, that's not cute. That's not sexy.

192
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I was like,
"Ooh, I'll fuck somebody I know."

193
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So I was going through the Rolodex,
the Dick-o-dex, and…

194
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[audience laughs]

195
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I matched with this dude. All right.

196
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I texted this dude
I matched with on Bumble,

197
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who's also like a friend,
and I texted him.

198
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I said, "Hey, you want
to meet me at a glory hole?"

199
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[audience laughs]

200
00:10:24.333 --> 00:10:25.918
And he said, "No."

201
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[audience laughs]

202
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And then he followed it up with,
"I'm actually dating somebody.

203
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Do you want to do my podcast?"

204
00:10:34.927 --> 00:10:36.553
[audience groans]

205
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That second part,
it hurt worse than the first part.

206
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[audience laughs]

207
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Oh wait, does everybody here know
what a glory hole is?

208
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[audience cheers]

209
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I feel like there's some shy people.

210
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Get involved. I'll tell you.

211
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Okay, so like a traditional glory hole,

212
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a classic, if you will.

213
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[audience laughs]

214
00:11:06.333 --> 00:11:09.087
It's a wall with a hole cut out

215
00:11:09.170 --> 00:11:12.798
and you put your dick
in there and you're like a Senator. And…

216
00:11:12.882 --> 00:11:15.550
[audience laughs]

217
00:11:18.637 --> 00:11:20.680
…a very cute twink is on the other side,

218
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who kind of looks like you.

219
00:11:22.307 --> 00:11:23.850
And…

220
00:11:23.933 --> 00:11:26.478
they're on the other side
on their knees being like,

221
00:11:26.603 --> 00:11:28.813
"Yum, yum!

222
00:11:28.897 --> 00:11:31.692
Choo-choo! My tummy full."

223
00:11:31.775 --> 00:11:33.735
[audience laughs]

224
00:11:34.820 --> 00:11:36.322
So that's a glory hole.

225
00:11:36.405 --> 00:11:37.407
And…

226
00:11:39.450 --> 00:11:41.827
And I've been Googling
"glory holes for ladies"

227
00:11:41.910 --> 00:11:43.787
'cause it's a very masculine thing.

228
00:11:43.870 --> 00:11:47.207
I'm like, "Where are
the glory holes for the ladies?"

229
00:11:47.792 --> 00:11:50.502
Are there glory holes
for ladies here in New York City?

230
00:11:50.585 --> 00:11:52.378
-Probably.
-Probably?

231
00:11:52.463 --> 00:11:54.382
That's not a yes, okay?

232
00:11:54.465 --> 00:11:55.883
[audience laughs]

233
00:11:56.925 --> 00:11:58.802
Truly, I've been Googling it so much.

234
00:11:58.885 --> 00:12:00.678
My FBI agent's like, "Is she okay?"

235
00:12:00.763 --> 00:12:02.347
No, I am not.

236
00:12:02.432 --> 00:12:05.225
No. Very fucking horny.

237
00:12:05.308 --> 00:12:07.437
Also, what a good late night commercial?

238
00:12:07.520 --> 00:12:11.857
"You've heard of glory holes,
introducing glory holes for ladies!"

239
00:12:11.940 --> 00:12:13.900
[audience laughs and applauds]

240
00:12:13.983 --> 00:12:17.905
But I can't find any here
in the good old US of A.

241
00:12:17.988 --> 00:12:21.450
But I did find some
glory holes in Germany!

242
00:12:22.117 --> 00:12:24.620
So I'm going on a vacation!

243
00:12:24.703 --> 00:12:26.163
[audience applauds]

244
00:12:27.080 --> 00:12:29.333
And the way they do it in Germany

245
00:12:29.417 --> 00:12:31.085
is a lady lies on a table

246
00:12:31.168 --> 00:12:33.295
and there's a wall that cuts her in half.

247
00:12:33.378 --> 00:12:35.965
And then her pussy is
just like out for the taking.

248
00:12:38.008 --> 00:12:39.802
And all I could think was,

249
00:12:40.593 --> 00:12:42.805
"What if nobody chooses me?

250
00:12:45.265 --> 00:12:48.018
What if I don't feel
slurp, slurp, suck, suck?

251
00:12:48.102 --> 00:12:50.562
[audience laughs]

252
00:12:55.233 --> 00:12:59.070
What if the only thing I feel
is the wind on my bald pussy?"

253
00:12:59.155 --> 00:13:00.865
[audience laughs]

254
00:13:02.448 --> 00:13:06.662
That is a level of rejection
that I am not ready for, okay?

255
00:13:07.622 --> 00:13:10.082
Something else I learned
during the pandemie

256
00:13:10.165 --> 00:13:13.627
is you can order a singular bottle
of ranch to your door.

257
00:13:13.710 --> 00:13:15.378
[audience laughs]

258
00:13:15.462 --> 00:13:18.132
But it will cost you $20.

259
00:13:19.132 --> 00:13:22.343
So I'm vegan. Thank you.

260
00:13:22.427 --> 00:13:25.138
Thank you, she's a hero.
It's my cross to bear.

261
00:13:25.222 --> 00:13:26.348
Thank you.

262
00:13:26.432 --> 00:13:27.850
And I was making some vegan

263
00:13:27.933 --> 00:13:29.810
[high pitched voice] chik'n nuggets!

264
00:13:29.893 --> 00:13:31.603
You know, vegan chik'n nuggets.

265
00:13:31.687 --> 00:13:34.273
-How--
-[audience laughs]

266
00:13:34.357 --> 00:13:36.900
How come all vegan food
has K's and apostrophes

267
00:13:36.983 --> 00:13:38.860
where they don't belong?

268
00:13:39.653 --> 00:13:42.405
They're like,
"It's chik'n, not chicken. It's chik'n."

269
00:13:42.488 --> 00:13:43.490
So…

270
00:13:43.573 --> 00:13:45.117
[audience laughs]

271
00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:47.202
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets

272
00:13:47.285 --> 00:13:49.288
and I am a vegan, okay.

273
00:13:49.372 --> 00:13:51.373
Before you say… I'm a vegan, all right?

274
00:13:51.457 --> 00:13:52.875
Except for eggs.

275
00:13:52.958 --> 00:13:53.958
Um…

276
00:13:54.585 --> 00:13:56.212
sometimes Kraft ranch dressing.

277
00:13:56.295 --> 00:13:57.503
Sometimes a rib or two.

278
00:13:57.588 --> 00:13:59.465
Okay, maybe I am not a vegan,

279
00:13:59.548 --> 00:14:00.883
but the important thing is

280
00:14:00.967 --> 00:14:03.802
I identify as a vegan.

281
00:14:03.885 --> 00:14:04.803
Okay?

282
00:14:04.887 --> 00:14:07.388
I'm like the Rachel Dolezal of veganism.

283
00:14:07.472 --> 00:14:08.765
All right?

284
00:14:12.937 --> 00:14:14.897
So I was making my vegan chik'n nuggets

285
00:14:14.980 --> 00:14:17.023
and I wanted some ranch.

286
00:14:17.107 --> 00:14:19.777
So I hopped onto Postmates
and I ordered my ranch

287
00:14:19.860 --> 00:14:22.070
and I was waiting for it
to come to my door.

288
00:14:22.153 --> 00:14:23.280
Ding dong. It comes.

289
00:14:23.363 --> 00:14:24.740
I open the door

290
00:14:24.823 --> 00:14:26.908
and there's just a loose bottle of ranch.

291
00:14:26.992 --> 00:14:28.743
[audience laughs]

292
00:14:32.122 --> 00:14:34.417
No bag, no nothing.

293
00:14:34.500 --> 00:14:35.960
[audience laughs]

294
00:14:36.710 --> 00:14:41.132
I mean, for $20 you could
at least give me a bag

295
00:14:41.215 --> 00:14:43.175
or tickle my clit, you know?

296
00:14:43.258 --> 00:14:44.552
[audience laughs]

297
00:14:44.635 --> 00:14:47.428
Imagine there's a button like,
"Tip or tickle?"

298
00:14:47.512 --> 00:14:50.015
-[Nicole laughs]
-[audience laughs]

299
00:14:50.098 --> 00:14:52.017
And I couldn't help but think about it

300
00:14:52.100 --> 00:14:54.562
from the Postmates perspective, you know?

301
00:14:54.645 --> 00:14:56.563
They're working through the pandemie.

302
00:14:56.647 --> 00:14:58.982
They're like,
"I am delivering the essentials.

303
00:14:59.065 --> 00:15:00.858
I am doing the Lord's work."

304
00:15:00.943 --> 00:15:02.360
Beep-bop-boop.

305
00:15:02.443 --> 00:15:05.072
"One singular bottle of ranch?"

306
00:15:05.155 --> 00:15:07.032
[audience laughs]

307
00:15:07.825 --> 00:15:09.993
"This bitch wants me to risk my life

308
00:15:10.077 --> 00:15:11.578
for some sauce?

309
00:15:13.330 --> 00:15:15.582
No, I'm not giving her a bag. No way.

310
00:15:15.665 --> 00:15:16.792
No.

311
00:15:16.875 --> 00:15:20.212
And what? Make her neighbors think
she's ordering <i>essentials</i>?

312
00:15:20.295 --> 00:15:22.172
No!

313
00:15:22.255 --> 00:15:23.423
Fuck that bitch!"

314
00:15:23.507 --> 00:15:25.008
[laughs]

315
00:15:25.092 --> 00:15:26.218
[sighs]

316
00:15:29.347 --> 00:15:31.140
At the end of 2020,

317
00:15:31.223 --> 00:15:33.725
I dislocated my ankle.

318
00:15:33.808 --> 00:15:37.020
Yeah, 'cause the good Lord was like,
"My child, fuck you."

319
00:15:37.103 --> 00:15:38.938
[audience laughs]

320
00:15:41.233 --> 00:15:43.235
I dislocated my ankle

321
00:15:43.318 --> 00:15:46.488
because I fell all the way down my stairs

322
00:15:46.572 --> 00:15:49.492
because I was too excited
to leave my house.

323
00:15:49.575 --> 00:15:50.658
[audience laughs]

324
00:15:51.577 --> 00:15:54.830
And I had to go to
Glendale Memorial Hospital.

325
00:15:54.913 --> 00:15:58.292
If you are ever in
the Greater Los Angeles area,

326
00:15:58.375 --> 00:16:00.127
I say, don't go, okay?

327
00:16:00.210 --> 00:16:01.628
[audience laughs]

328
00:16:01.712 --> 00:16:03.505
No, I did not have a nice time.

329
00:16:03.588 --> 00:16:04.590
No.

330
00:16:04.673 --> 00:16:06.383
Honestly, it was very bad.

331
00:16:06.467 --> 00:16:09.052
A nurse tried to steal my underwear.

332
00:16:09.135 --> 00:16:10.803
[audience gasps and laughs]

333
00:16:10.887 --> 00:16:12.723
We'll get into it. But first…

334
00:16:12.807 --> 00:16:14.850
[audience laughs]

335
00:16:14.933 --> 00:16:18.395
…my ambulance ride was
$700 fucking dollars

336
00:16:18.478 --> 00:16:20.772
with insurance!

337
00:16:20.855 --> 00:16:22.648
And nobody even offered me water.

338
00:16:22.733 --> 00:16:26.737
I was like, "This is the worst
Uber I've ever been in."

339
00:16:26.820 --> 00:16:29.615
My God. Also, the hospital

340
00:16:29.698 --> 00:16:31.658
propped my leg up with a pillow

341
00:16:31.742 --> 00:16:33.868
from my own living room.

342
00:16:33.952 --> 00:16:36.122
[audience laughs]

343
00:16:40.458 --> 00:16:43.045
People kept walking by
being like, "Target?"

344
00:16:43.128 --> 00:16:45.338
I was like, "No, Anthropology.
I'm thriving."

345
00:16:45.422 --> 00:16:47.717
-[audience laughs]
-[man] Whoo!

346
00:16:51.887 --> 00:16:56.558
It also took seven men
to get me out of my house.

347
00:16:56.642 --> 00:16:58.685
And I was like, "I could be embarrassed"

348
00:16:58.768 --> 00:17:01.605
or I could get a gang bang!

349
00:17:01.688 --> 00:17:03.232
[audience laughs]

350
00:17:03.315 --> 00:17:04.858
But I did not have a nice time

351
00:17:04.942 --> 00:17:06.985
there was no gang bang to be had.

352
00:17:07.068 --> 00:17:09.153
And at the hospital I said,

353
00:17:09.237 --> 00:17:11.740
"Excuse me, can I have pain medication?

354
00:17:11.823 --> 00:17:13.492
'Cause I am not thriving."

355
00:17:13.575 --> 00:17:15.243
And the nurse said, "Oh, okay."

356
00:17:15.327 --> 00:17:17.955
And he gives me the IV and he gives me
a little pump of something.

357
00:17:18.038 --> 00:17:20.540
And I was like, "Yum, yum, yum.
Yes, she's alive."

358
00:17:20.623 --> 00:17:23.002
And I was like,
"Actually, no, I still passed away.

359
00:17:23.085 --> 00:17:24.462
What the fuck was that?"

360
00:17:24.545 --> 00:17:26.088
And he said it was a placebo.

361
00:17:26.172 --> 00:17:27.882
It was a saline injection.

362
00:17:27.965 --> 00:17:31.008
And I said, "Sir,
my ankle looks like a fucking U-turn.

363
00:17:31.093 --> 00:17:33.845
You better give me some fucking shit."

364
00:17:33.928 --> 00:17:35.430
I don't know if you know this,

365
00:17:35.513 --> 00:17:37.975
but Black and Brown people
are prescribed opioids

366
00:17:38.058 --> 00:17:39.935
at a lower rate than White people.

367
00:17:40.018 --> 00:17:42.897
So White people have
a higher addiction rate to heroin.

368
00:17:42.980 --> 00:17:45.273
And I said to myself, "Huh?

369
00:17:45.357 --> 00:17:47.860
Maybe sometimes racism's good?"

370
00:17:47.943 --> 00:17:49.528
[audience laughs]

371
00:17:53.907 --> 00:17:58.870
'Cause Black and Brown people have
kind of circumvented the opioid crisis.

372
00:17:58.953 --> 00:18:01.998
Anyway, back to that nurse
who tried to steal my underwear.

373
00:18:02.082 --> 00:18:03.583
[audience cheers]

374
00:18:06.503 --> 00:18:08.880
So I was lying in
the hospital bed and I said,

375
00:18:08.963 --> 00:18:10.673
"Excuse me, I have to pee."

376
00:18:10.757 --> 00:18:13.343
And he said, "Oh no, you can't walk."

377
00:18:14.803 --> 00:18:16.513
[audience laughs]

378
00:18:17.263 --> 00:18:21.058
I said, "There's a ton of motherfuckers
in this hospital who can't walk,

379
00:18:21.143 --> 00:18:22.352
how do they pee?"

380
00:18:22.435 --> 00:18:24.605
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."

381
00:18:24.688 --> 00:18:27.690
I was like, "Who the fuck is Jenny?"

382
00:18:27.773 --> 00:18:29.400
Who is she? The Pee Whisperer?

383
00:18:29.485 --> 00:18:30.693
What's happening?

384
00:18:30.777 --> 00:18:34.030
So Jenny comes in, and this is truly
what she sounded like, she said,

385
00:18:34.113 --> 00:18:36.783
"Oh no!

386
00:18:36.867 --> 00:18:39.452
You gotta go pee-pee!"

387
00:18:39.537 --> 00:18:41.330
[audience laughs]

388
00:18:46.335 --> 00:18:48.170
I said, "Yes, Jenny,

389
00:18:48.253 --> 00:18:50.630
I have to pee-pee."

390
00:18:50.713 --> 00:18:52.798
And then she explains this machine to me.

391
00:18:52.883 --> 00:18:55.260
She goes, "Okay, here is the canister

392
00:18:55.343 --> 00:18:56.803
and then here is the hose.

393
00:18:56.887 --> 00:18:58.930
And it sucks it up and you put this part

394
00:18:59.013 --> 00:19:00.682
right on your hoo-ha."

395
00:19:00.765 --> 00:19:02.267
And I was like, "Hoo-ha?"

396
00:19:03.268 --> 00:19:04.687
Hoo-ha?

397
00:19:04.770 --> 00:19:06.438
Use the medical term: "pussy".

398
00:19:06.522 --> 00:19:08.773
[audience laughs]

399
00:19:08.857 --> 00:19:10.900
What are we doing? Grow up.

400
00:19:10.983 --> 00:19:12.610
So…

401
00:19:12.693 --> 00:19:14.655
I put it on my "hoo-ha".

402
00:19:14.738 --> 00:19:16.198
And Jenny says,

403
00:19:16.282 --> 00:19:19.158
"Okay, go!"

404
00:19:21.118 --> 00:19:22.913
So I start to pee

405
00:19:22.997 --> 00:19:26.082
and it just puddles up right under me.

406
00:19:26.165 --> 00:19:27.417
[audience groans]

407
00:19:27.500 --> 00:19:29.460
I looked at Jenny and I said,

408
00:19:29.545 --> 00:19:31.338
"I don't think it works."

409
00:19:32.965 --> 00:19:34.048
And then Jenny said,

410
00:19:34.132 --> 00:19:37.010
"Oh no!

411
00:19:37.093 --> 00:19:39.387
We got to clean you up!"

412
00:19:39.470 --> 00:19:43.058
And then Jenny cleaned me up
like I was a big fucking baby.

413
00:19:43.142 --> 00:19:45.727
She was like,
<i>♪ We gotta get the right cheek clean ♪</i>

414
00:19:45.810 --> 00:19:47.187
<i>♪ And the left cheek clean ♪</i>

415
00:19:47.270 --> 00:19:49.607
<i>♪ We gotta get in your crack</i>
<i>I love your butt ♪</i>

416
00:19:49.690 --> 00:19:50.857
Boop, boop!

417
00:19:50.940 --> 00:19:52.985
[audience laughs]

418
00:19:57.697 --> 00:19:59.825
She didn't sing.

419
00:19:59.908 --> 00:20:02.535
She hummed, which I think is creepier.

420
00:20:03.287 --> 00:20:04.913
And when she was done, she said,

421
00:20:04.997 --> 00:20:07.582
<i>♪ We got to take your panties</i>
<i>They're all wet ♪</i>

422
00:20:07.665 --> 00:20:10.877
I said, "Jenny, they're not wet.
I pulled them down pretty far."

423
00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:12.378
She said, "I'm taking them."

424
00:20:12.462 --> 00:20:14.088
I said, "No, please don't."

425
00:20:14.172 --> 00:20:15.673
She said, "I am."
I said, "No."

426
00:20:15.757 --> 00:20:18.052
We played tug of war
with my fucking underwear

427
00:20:18.135 --> 00:20:20.845
until I was like,
"Jenny, they're not fucking wet!"

428
00:20:20.928 --> 00:20:22.097
And then Jenny said,

429
00:20:22.180 --> 00:20:23.265
"Ha-ha!"

430
00:20:23.348 --> 00:20:24.557
So then…

431
00:20:24.642 --> 00:20:26.560
[audience laughs]

432
00:20:36.820 --> 00:20:39.072
So then I'm still lying

433
00:20:39.155 --> 00:20:41.198
in this fucking hospital bed.

434
00:20:41.283 --> 00:20:42.700
I am there for so long.

435
00:20:42.783 --> 00:20:44.535
I am there for a full eight hours.

436
00:20:44.620 --> 00:20:46.747
I clocked in and out and…

437
00:20:48.123 --> 00:20:50.208
I looked at the nurse again and I said,

438
00:20:50.292 --> 00:20:51.627
"Excuse me,

439
00:20:51.710 --> 00:20:54.087
I have to pee again."

440
00:20:54.170 --> 00:20:56.965
And he said, "Let's get Jenny."

441
00:20:57.673 --> 00:20:59.677
And I said, "Let's get Jenny."

442
00:20:59.760 --> 00:21:01.803
[audience laughs]

443
00:21:04.973 --> 00:21:06.850
So Jenny comes back and she says,

444
00:21:06.933 --> 00:21:09.227
"Again?"

445
00:21:10.312 --> 00:21:13.148
And I was like,
"Yeah, you fucking Teletubby, again."

446
00:21:13.232 --> 00:21:15.233
[audience laughs]

447
00:21:16.568 --> 00:21:19.320
So we go through it again.
I put the thing on my hoo-ha.

448
00:21:19.403 --> 00:21:20.572
The only difference is

449
00:21:20.655 --> 00:21:23.075
the other nurse didn't leave the room.

450
00:21:23.158 --> 00:21:24.325
And Jenny said,

451
00:21:24.408 --> 00:21:26.828
"Okay, go!"

452
00:21:26.912 --> 00:21:29.038
And before I could go
the other nurse said,

453
00:21:29.122 --> 00:21:31.375
"Wait, Jenny,
you didn't turn on the machine."

454
00:21:31.458 --> 00:21:33.627
[audience laughs]

455
00:21:40.008 --> 00:21:42.010
Do you think Jenny

456
00:21:42.093 --> 00:21:45.097
has the most specific kink of all time?

457
00:21:45.180 --> 00:21:47.932
[audience applauds and laughs]

458
00:21:52.478 --> 00:21:56.483
She went all the way to nursing school,

459
00:21:56.567 --> 00:21:58.985
got a job in a hospital

460
00:21:59.068 --> 00:22:01.863
and was like, "Fingies crossed.

461
00:22:01.947 --> 00:22:04.198
I'll get to clean up a messy fat Black

462
00:22:04.282 --> 00:22:06.117
and fill my pockets with panties."

463
00:22:06.200 --> 00:22:07.618
[cackles]

464
00:22:08.537 --> 00:22:10.747
[audience laughs]

465
00:22:12.165 --> 00:22:14.125
[woman laughs loudly]

466
00:22:15.168 --> 00:22:17.587
[laughs]

467
00:22:17.670 --> 00:22:18.880
That laugh.

468
00:22:18.963 --> 00:22:20.632
[audience laughs]

469
00:22:21.298 --> 00:22:24.468
I had a lot of time
to myself to recuperate

470
00:22:24.552 --> 00:22:26.972
and I was watching just a lot of TV,

471
00:22:27.055 --> 00:22:29.057
just consuming all of the content.

472
00:22:29.140 --> 00:22:32.102
And I was watching
a documentary on the KKK.

473
00:22:32.185 --> 00:22:34.478
<i>Easy Breezy, Beautiful Tuesday.</i>

474
00:22:34.562 --> 00:22:36.022
[audience laughs]

475
00:22:36.105 --> 00:22:38.900
And as I was watching it,
the man on the screen said,

476
00:22:38.983 --> 00:22:41.110
[Southern accent] "I'm a grand wizard."

477
00:22:41.193 --> 00:22:42.945
And I was like, "The fuck?"

478
00:22:43.028 --> 00:22:44.363
And then his friend said,

479
00:22:44.447 --> 00:22:46.115
"And I'm a grand dragon."

480
00:22:46.198 --> 00:22:47.783
I said, "Hey,

481
00:22:47.867 --> 00:22:49.995
that sounds like some <i>Harry Potter </i>shit."

482
00:22:50.078 --> 00:22:51.287
[audience laughs]

483
00:22:51.370 --> 00:22:53.415
So I did some investigative journalism.

484
00:22:53.498 --> 00:22:55.083
I took it to the streets.

485
00:22:55.167 --> 00:22:57.168
I looked at Wikipedia and…

486
00:22:57.252 --> 00:22:59.253
[audience laughs]

487
00:22:59.337 --> 00:23:01.088
Stay with me.

488
00:23:01.715 --> 00:23:03.842
I think <i>Harry Potter</i>

489
00:23:03.925 --> 00:23:06.010
is based on the KKK.

490
00:23:06.093 --> 00:23:08.053
[audience laughs]

491
00:23:10.182 --> 00:23:12.683
Let's take a journey!

492
00:23:12.767 --> 00:23:15.187
[audience applause]

493
00:23:15.270 --> 00:23:16.688
[man] Whoo!

494
00:23:18.063 --> 00:23:20.942
So, in the KKK they have grand wizards.

495
00:23:21.025 --> 00:23:22.068
What is Harry?

496
00:23:22.152 --> 00:23:23.903
A Grand Wizard.

497
00:23:23.987 --> 00:23:25.738
In the KKK they wear hooded cloaks.

498
00:23:25.822 --> 00:23:27.365
What do they wear at Hogwarts?

499
00:23:27.448 --> 00:23:28.658
Hooded cloaks.

500
00:23:28.742 --> 00:23:32.287
In the KKK they have something
called a Nighthawk and a grand Turk.

501
00:23:32.370 --> 00:23:36.332
I was like, "That's just something found
in the Forbidden Forest."

502
00:23:36.415 --> 00:23:39.962
Now, the whole premise of the KKK--
"Premise." [laughs]

503
00:23:40.045 --> 00:23:41.128
What?

504
00:23:41.212 --> 00:23:42.755
[laughs]

505
00:23:42.838 --> 00:23:45.675
No, the KKK's whole deal is…

506
00:23:45.758 --> 00:23:47.885
[audience laughs]

507
00:23:50.805 --> 00:23:54.100
It's keeping White people
and Black people separate.

508
00:23:54.183 --> 00:23:56.185
The whole premise of <i>Harry Potter</i>

509
00:23:56.268 --> 00:24:00.232
is keeping magical people
and non-magical people separate.

510
00:24:00.315 --> 00:24:02.025
So…

511
00:24:02.108 --> 00:24:04.485
if we follow my logic.

512
00:24:04.568 --> 00:24:06.320
Not yet, it fucking checks out, okay.

513
00:24:06.403 --> 00:24:08.323
Non-magical people

514
00:24:08.407 --> 00:24:09.825
are Black people

515
00:24:09.908 --> 00:24:11.785
and they call them "Muggles".

516
00:24:11.868 --> 00:24:13.703
And a slur for them is "Mudblood",

517
00:24:13.787 --> 00:24:16.413
which is like the N-word
of the wizarding world.

518
00:24:16.498 --> 00:24:18.708
Also at Hogwarts,
they have Muggle Studies.

519
00:24:18.792 --> 00:24:20.210
I was like, "Huh?

520
00:24:20.293 --> 00:24:21.920
That's just Black History Month.

521
00:24:22.003 --> 00:24:24.422
[audience laughs]

522
00:24:24.505 --> 00:24:27.175
Truly, I think JKKKK Rowling…

523
00:24:27.258 --> 00:24:29.802
[audience laughs]

524
00:24:29.887 --> 00:24:32.180
[cheering]

525
00:24:35.683 --> 00:24:37.810
…was sitting in that coffee shop,

526
00:24:37.893 --> 00:24:40.897
taking a break from
writing and hating Trans people.

527
00:24:40.980 --> 00:24:42.273
And…

528
00:24:42.357 --> 00:24:43.983
[laughs]

529
00:24:44.067 --> 00:24:45.277
It's a full-time job.

530
00:24:45.360 --> 00:24:46.443
And…

531
00:24:47.195 --> 00:24:50.073
she was perusing the internet,
and she was just like,

532
00:24:50.157 --> 00:24:54.285
"Oh, the KKK.

533
00:24:54.368 --> 00:24:57.872
Ooh that seems awful but also whimsical!"

534
00:24:57.955 --> 00:24:59.875
[audience laughs]

535
00:24:59.958 --> 00:25:03.002
Because if you think about it,
Harry is half-Muggle, half-Wizard.

536
00:25:03.085 --> 00:25:04.753
He's mixed. Hermione is a Muggle.

537
00:25:04.837 --> 00:25:06.840
She's Black. Ron's a Wizard. He's White.

538
00:25:06.923 --> 00:25:08.508
So if you really think about it,

539
00:25:08.592 --> 00:25:10.552
<i>Harry Potter </i>is a story of a mixed boy,

540
00:25:10.635 --> 00:25:12.553
his Black friend, his woke White friend,

541
00:25:12.637 --> 00:25:16.265
as they try to overthrow the racial
patriarchy of the wizarding world!

542
00:25:16.348 --> 00:25:18.643
[audience laughs and cheers]

543
00:25:20.478 --> 00:25:22.897
I need to get fucked, okay?

544
00:25:22.980 --> 00:25:24.148
[audience laughs]

545
00:25:31.030 --> 00:25:32.657
I've been traveling a lot more

546
00:25:32.740 --> 00:25:36.035
since we're pretending
that the pandemie is done.

547
00:25:36.870 --> 00:25:38.120
It's not.

548
00:25:39.288 --> 00:25:41.165
And I got to go to Pennsylvania.

549
00:25:41.248 --> 00:25:43.252
Yuck! Woof! Ugh!

550
00:25:43.918 --> 00:25:44.920
Ugh!

551
00:25:45.003 --> 00:25:47.547
What a rectangle of trash, truly.

552
00:25:47.630 --> 00:25:49.423
[audience laughs]

553
00:25:50.383 --> 00:25:52.385
From Philadelphia to Shits-burg,

554
00:25:52.468 --> 00:25:53.845
throw it away.

555
00:25:55.763 --> 00:25:57.515
Is anyone here from Pennsylvania?

556
00:25:57.598 --> 00:25:58.850
[audience members cheer]

557
00:25:58.933 --> 00:26:00.727
Whatever I stand by it.

558
00:26:00.810 --> 00:26:02.270
[audience laughs]

559
00:26:02.353 --> 00:26:06.023
You escaped.
There's a reason why you're not there.

560
00:26:06.148 --> 00:26:09.568
So I was driving through
this fucking rectangle and…

561
00:26:11.028 --> 00:26:13.030
I ran out of gas in White Haven.

562
00:26:13.113 --> 00:26:14.657
Lucky me.

563
00:26:14.740 --> 00:26:15.992
[audience laughs]

564
00:26:16.075 --> 00:26:18.160
[man laughs hard]

565
00:26:21.122 --> 00:26:23.333
You laughed too hard at my misfortune.

566
00:26:23.417 --> 00:26:25.835
[audience laughs]

567
00:26:25.918 --> 00:26:28.045
I pull into this old rickety gas station.

568
00:26:28.128 --> 00:26:29.463
I get out of my rental car.

569
00:26:29.547 --> 00:26:32.925
I'm trying to put my credit card
in the pump. It doesn't take cards.

570
00:26:33.008 --> 00:26:34.260
I was like, "The fuck?"

571
00:26:34.343 --> 00:26:36.428
So I had to go inside.
I went in and said,

572
00:26:36.512 --> 00:26:38.307
"Hey, excuse me, one gas please."

573
00:26:38.390 --> 00:26:41.267
[audience laughs]

574
00:26:41.350 --> 00:26:43.268
I don't know how to order gas.

575
00:26:44.062 --> 00:26:46.982
I'm from New Jersey
where it's illegal to pump it yourself.

576
00:26:47.065 --> 00:26:48.567
[audience cheers]

577
00:26:48.650 --> 00:26:51.402
Okay. That is some peasant shit, okay?

578
00:26:53.322 --> 00:26:54.530
In New Jersey, we're all

579
00:26:54.613 --> 00:26:57.533
[British accent]
Kings and Queens of our vehicles.

580
00:26:57.617 --> 00:26:59.160
We roll down the window and go,

581
00:26:59.243 --> 00:27:01.287
"Ta-ta fill it with your cheapest!"

582
00:27:01.370 --> 00:27:03.582
[audience laughs]

583
00:27:04.665 --> 00:27:06.500
So I said, "One gas please."

584
00:27:07.877 --> 00:27:11.715
And inside were two fat White dudes
with six teeth among them.

585
00:27:13.298 --> 00:27:16.427
And for whatever reason
they had Southern accents.

586
00:27:18.847 --> 00:27:20.557
So I said, "Oh me, oh my,

587
00:27:21.557 --> 00:27:23.560
I better get this gas to go."

588
00:27:23.643 --> 00:27:25.062
[audience laughs]

589
00:27:30.692 --> 00:27:32.110
So I get my gas to go.

590
00:27:32.193 --> 00:27:34.862
And I'm walking back to the rental car

591
00:27:34.945 --> 00:27:36.613
and I am so clumsy.

592
00:27:36.698 --> 00:27:39.033
I stepped off the curb
and I twisted my ankle.

593
00:27:39.117 --> 00:27:41.160
And all I could think of was,

594
00:27:41.243 --> 00:27:43.830
"This is how Black people die."

595
00:27:43.913 --> 00:27:46.082
So I started limping to my car,

596
00:27:46.165 --> 00:27:48.710
looking behind me, limping to my car,

597
00:27:48.793 --> 00:27:50.670
looking behind me.

598
00:27:50.753 --> 00:27:53.757
But they would've never caught up.
They were too fat.

599
00:27:53.840 --> 00:27:55.383
Also…

600
00:27:56.718 --> 00:28:00.222
what do you think they were thinking
when they looked out the window?

601
00:28:00.305 --> 00:28:01.723
Do you think they were like,

602
00:28:01.807 --> 00:28:04.975
"Ooh, look at that nice Black lady
doing the 'Thriller' dance!"

603
00:28:05.060 --> 00:28:06.643
[audience laughs]

604
00:28:16.070 --> 00:28:19.407
I also got to go to Appleton, Wisconsin.

605
00:28:19.490 --> 00:28:22.702
Oh boy, what a cute name for a town.

606
00:28:22.785 --> 00:28:25.037
Appleton, Wisconsin.

607
00:28:25.122 --> 00:28:28.583
And then you get there and they're like,
"We tricked ya, we're trash!"

608
00:28:28.667 --> 00:28:31.335
[audience laughs]

609
00:28:32.837 --> 00:28:35.798
I don't want to say everybody
who came to my shows were bad,

610
00:28:35.882 --> 00:28:39.343
but a lot of people were
on their worst fucking behavior.

611
00:28:39.427 --> 00:28:42.930
It was like they ate too much cheese
and forgot how to fucking act.

612
00:28:44.140 --> 00:28:47.768
During my show I encountered
a White woman with a birthday.

613
00:28:48.687 --> 00:28:50.147
[audience laughs]

614
00:28:50.230 --> 00:28:51.815
Yeah. You already know.

615
00:28:51.898 --> 00:28:53.650
[audience laughs harder]

616
00:28:54.942 --> 00:28:57.987
There is almost nothing on this planet,

617
00:28:58.070 --> 00:29:01.657
louder or more powerful

618
00:29:01.740 --> 00:29:04.243
than a White woman with a birthday.

619
00:29:05.328 --> 00:29:07.372
A White woman could steal a baby and go,

620
00:29:07.455 --> 00:29:10.333
"It's my birthday!"

621
00:29:10.417 --> 00:29:12.543
[audience laughs]

622
00:29:17.590 --> 00:29:19.717
And legally that's her baby.

623
00:29:19.800 --> 00:29:21.302
[audience laughs]

624
00:29:26.223 --> 00:29:29.352
The White woman with
a birthday I encountered,

625
00:29:29.435 --> 00:29:30.853
let's call her…

626
00:29:30.937 --> 00:29:33.063
mm, I don't know Krista,

627
00:29:33.147 --> 00:29:34.690
because that's her name.

628
00:29:34.773 --> 00:29:36.775
[audience laughs]

629
00:29:36.860 --> 00:29:38.277
How do I know it's her name?

630
00:29:38.360 --> 00:29:39.570
During my show she said,

631
00:29:39.653 --> 00:29:44.075
"I'm Krista, it's my birthday!"

632
00:29:47.912 --> 00:29:50.415
So then I roasted her for a little bit

633
00:29:51.540 --> 00:29:53.083
and I'll tell you something.

634
00:29:53.167 --> 00:29:55.837
Krista, woo baby, she did not like that.

635
00:29:55.920 --> 00:29:57.422
[audience laughs]

636
00:29:57.505 --> 00:30:02.343
No, because Krista evolved
into her final form,

637
00:30:03.553 --> 00:30:06.263
which is a crying White woman
with a birthday.

638
00:30:06.347 --> 00:30:08.307
[audience laughs]

639
00:30:08.390 --> 00:30:12.228
A crying White woman with a birthday
is the Mutu of the Pokémon world.

640
00:30:12.312 --> 00:30:14.147
[audience laughs]

641
00:30:16.815 --> 00:30:18.985
A crying White woman with a birthday

642
00:30:19.068 --> 00:30:21.320
is Thanos's glove.

643
00:30:21.403 --> 00:30:23.197
Do you understand what I'm saying?

644
00:30:23.280 --> 00:30:27.035
A crying White woman with a birthday
is literal kryptonite to common sense,

645
00:30:27.118 --> 00:30:28.160
okay?

646
00:30:28.243 --> 00:30:30.913
I have been in a bar bathroom,
seen a bitch crying

647
00:30:30.997 --> 00:30:32.998
surrounded by other bitches being like,

648
00:30:33.082 --> 00:30:35.252
"Ah! Somebody help her it's her birthday!"

649
00:30:35.335 --> 00:30:37.545
[audience laughs]

650
00:30:50.182 --> 00:30:52.935
And I'll tell you guys something.

651
00:30:53.018 --> 00:30:56.563
I enjoyed watching Krista cry.

652
00:30:56.647 --> 00:30:58.817
[audience applauds and cheers]

653
00:31:01.777 --> 00:31:05.113
I was like, "Is it <i>my </i>birthday?"

654
00:31:06.115 --> 00:31:10.077
Because I suck up White women power
and their energy.

655
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:12.038
I watched her cry and I was like…

656
00:31:12.122 --> 00:31:13.998
[sucking in breath]

657
00:31:19.545 --> 00:31:21.923
I was Bette Midler in <i>Hocus Pocus, </i>okay?

658
00:31:22.007 --> 00:31:24.217
[audience laughs and cheers]

659
00:31:27.345 --> 00:31:30.723
I was sucking it up
so I could evolve to <i>my </i>final state,

660
00:31:30.807 --> 00:31:34.602
which is an unaffected Black woman
who doesn't give a fuck that you're crying

661
00:31:34.685 --> 00:31:36.228
or that it's your birthday.

662
00:31:36.312 --> 00:31:39.065
[audience cheers]

663
00:31:39.148 --> 00:31:42.943
[high-pitch voice]
I so sorry, I don't care!

664
00:31:43.027 --> 00:31:46.155
Because I if cried every time
something didn't go my way,

665
00:31:46.238 --> 00:31:48.282
I'd be a literal walking swimming pool.

666
00:31:48.365 --> 00:31:50.868
And I can't get this wig wet,
it was too expensive.

667
00:31:51.953 --> 00:31:52.995
It was free.

668
00:31:53.078 --> 00:31:54.038
I…

669
00:31:54.122 --> 00:31:55.540
[audience laughs]

670
00:31:57.292 --> 00:31:59.377
I have been watching a ton

671
00:31:59.460 --> 00:32:02.422
of these <i>Karen Gone Wild </i>videos.

672
00:32:02.505 --> 00:32:04.173
Have you guys been watching them?

673
00:32:04.257 --> 00:32:05.257
[audience cheers]

674
00:32:05.342 --> 00:32:08.637
Oh my God. They are truly
so bat shit fucking bonkers.

675
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:10.178
I love them.

676
00:32:10.262 --> 00:32:12.848
As I watch them I'm always just like,

677
00:32:12.932 --> 00:32:14.933
who the fuck do you go home to?

678
00:32:16.393 --> 00:32:19.105
You know, like, who the fuck loves you?

679
00:32:19.605 --> 00:32:21.023
Truly.

680
00:32:21.107 --> 00:32:23.317
Like, is your kid sitting on the couch,

681
00:32:23.400 --> 00:32:25.487
scrolling through Instagram being like,

682
00:32:25.570 --> 00:32:27.072
"Mom!"

683
00:32:28.113 --> 00:32:30.533
You come in wearing
the same shirt and it's like,

684
00:32:30.617 --> 00:32:33.077
"Did you come directly
from the hate crime?"

685
00:32:33.160 --> 00:32:35.372
[audience laughs]

686
00:32:41.085 --> 00:32:44.797
How do you talk to your partner
when they fucking act like that?

687
00:32:44.880 --> 00:32:47.842
Do you wait for nightfall
when you're about to eat them out?

688
00:32:47.925 --> 00:32:49.760
No, I'm kidding.

689
00:32:49.843 --> 00:32:51.387
Nobody eats these women out.

690
00:32:51.470 --> 00:32:54.015
No!

691
00:32:54.098 --> 00:32:57.227
Otherwise they wouldn't
be screaming in public.

692
00:32:57.977 --> 00:33:01.897
And I get the irony of me
screaming at you people in public.

693
00:33:01.980 --> 00:33:03.858
I do need to be eaten out more.

694
00:33:03.942 --> 00:33:06.193
[laughs]

695
00:33:06.277 --> 00:33:07.778
But as I watch these videos,

696
00:33:07.862 --> 00:33:11.740
I realize that there's only
really like three levels of a Karen.

697
00:33:11.823 --> 00:33:14.535
The first level she's all indignant.
She's like, "Yes,

698
00:33:14.618 --> 00:33:18.330
I told that Brown woman
to go back to her brown country.

699
00:33:18.413 --> 00:33:19.332
What of it?"

700
00:33:19.415 --> 00:33:21.667
[mouthing words]

701
00:33:21.750 --> 00:33:24.003
[audience laughs]

702
00:33:25.380 --> 00:33:27.257
Second level, she's a little angrier.

703
00:33:27.340 --> 00:33:28.340
She's like, "Yes,

704
00:33:28.423 --> 00:33:31.510
I told that Brown woman
to go back to her brown country.

705
00:33:31.593 --> 00:33:34.805
Also I think she's shoplifting
'cause I saw a twinkle in her eye.

706
00:33:34.888 --> 00:33:36.598
No, I don't work here.

707
00:33:36.682 --> 00:33:38.558
No, I've never shopped here.

708
00:33:38.642 --> 00:33:40.143
Also, are these on sale?"

709
00:33:40.227 --> 00:33:42.480
[audience laughs]

710
00:33:45.190 --> 00:33:48.610
The third level,
I call this "The Ultimate Karen."

711
00:33:48.693 --> 00:33:50.947
She's found in a grocery store.

712
00:33:51.947 --> 00:33:54.658
She's throwing shit
out of her shopping cart.

713
00:33:54.742 --> 00:33:57.578
She's like, "Yes, I told that Brown woman

714
00:33:57.662 --> 00:33:59.497
to go back to her brown country.

715
00:33:59.580 --> 00:34:02.375
No, I don't eat raisins.
They look like old Black people.

716
00:34:02.458 --> 00:34:04.335
[audience laughs]

717
00:34:06.628 --> 00:34:09.632
No, I don't eat dates.
They look like old fat Black people.

718
00:34:10.382 --> 00:34:11.800
Pretzels? Can't eat them.

719
00:34:11.883 --> 00:34:13.928
Flexible Black people.

720
00:34:14.012 --> 00:34:16.472
I do not eat gingerbread men.

721
00:34:16.555 --> 00:34:19.767
They look like fancy naked Black people.

722
00:34:19.850 --> 00:34:21.143
And if they're so fancy,

723
00:34:21.227 --> 00:34:23.520
why are they naked?

724
00:34:23.603 --> 00:34:25.105
Yes, I called her the N-word.

725
00:34:25.188 --> 00:34:26.940
I used a hard R and a hard G.

726
00:34:27.023 --> 00:34:30.110
But what you don't know is
I'm going to issue an apology later

727
00:34:30.193 --> 00:34:31.570
because my dog died.

728
00:34:31.653 --> 00:34:33.782
So I'm the real victim, me!

729
00:34:33.907 --> 00:34:35.908
A White woman. It's a dark life

730
00:34:35.992 --> 00:34:38.243
without her four-legged friend, her pooch.

731
00:34:38.327 --> 00:34:39.745
I'm being persecuted

732
00:34:39.828 --> 00:34:42.332
because I am White woman!"

733
00:34:42.415 --> 00:34:44.708
[audience laughs and applauds]

734
00:34:53.758 --> 00:34:56.553
There's a White woman here right now
who is like, "Oh…

735
00:34:56.637 --> 00:34:58.555
[audience laughs]

736
00:34:59.682 --> 00:35:02.518
…she's talking about me!"

737
00:35:02.602 --> 00:35:04.728
But listen to your friend Kelly Clarkson.

738
00:35:04.812 --> 00:35:07.148
Make a wish, take a chance and break away.

739
00:35:07.232 --> 00:35:10.568
[audience laughs and cheers]

740
00:35:24.207 --> 00:35:25.917
[sighs] I'm tired.

741
00:35:27.168 --> 00:35:28.418
I'm so tired.

742
00:35:28.502 --> 00:35:31.713
I was shaving my pussy
in the shower the other day

743
00:35:31.797 --> 00:35:35.175
and I got tired midway through.

744
00:35:35.258 --> 00:35:36.843
So I stopped.

745
00:35:36.927 --> 00:35:38.387
[audience laughs]

746
00:35:38.470 --> 00:35:40.347
And then to make myself feel better.

747
00:35:40.430 --> 00:35:43.433
I said, "Oh Nicole,
this is definitely a two-shower job."

748
00:35:43.517 --> 00:35:45.770
[audience laughs]

749
00:35:47.438 --> 00:35:49.440
It's still not done.

750
00:35:49.523 --> 00:35:51.358
[audience laughs]

751
00:35:51.442 --> 00:35:52.568
I'm tired.

752
00:35:52.652 --> 00:35:55.572
I told that joke in Tacoma
and this lady yelled at me,

753
00:35:55.655 --> 00:35:57.823
"A three-shower job!"

754
00:35:57.907 --> 00:36:00.075
[audience laughs]

755
00:36:02.035 --> 00:36:05.205
And I cannot stop thinking
about how big her pussy is.

756
00:36:05.288 --> 00:36:07.625
[audience laughs]

757
00:36:07.708 --> 00:36:09.918
Because I only have two lips.

758
00:36:10.002 --> 00:36:11.212
I…

759
00:36:11.295 --> 00:36:13.422
[audience laughs]

760
00:36:16.592 --> 00:36:19.137
I ended up fucking
an audience member after a show.

761
00:36:19.220 --> 00:36:20.847
Thank you.

762
00:36:20.930 --> 00:36:23.015
[audience cheers]

763
00:36:23.098 --> 00:36:26.643
And he was an Irishman from Ireland.

764
00:36:26.727 --> 00:36:28.562
So he had that like whole accent.

765
00:36:28.645 --> 00:36:30.690
When he came, he was like, "Arr-da-dee.

766
00:36:30.773 --> 00:36:32.525
I know who stole my lucky charms."

767
00:36:32.608 --> 00:36:34.110
[audience laughs]

768
00:36:36.362 --> 00:36:37.613
I'm kidding.

769
00:36:37.697 --> 00:36:40.157
What he actually said was,

770
00:36:40.240 --> 00:36:43.785
[Irish accent] "Ya weren't kidding
about being half-shaven now were ya?"

771
00:36:43.868 --> 00:36:46.622
[audience laughs and applauds]

772
00:36:51.043 --> 00:36:53.922
"If we were in Ireland,
I'd call ya Patchy O'Hoolaghan."

773
00:36:54.005 --> 00:36:56.090
[audience laughs]

774
00:36:56.173 --> 00:36:57.300
And I was like,

775
00:36:57.383 --> 00:37:00.720
"How do you Irish goodbye
from your own hotel room?"

776
00:37:00.803 --> 00:37:03.722
[audience laughs]

777
00:37:03.805 --> 00:37:04.890
I'm tired.

778
00:37:04.973 --> 00:37:06.808
[audience laughs]

779
00:37:06.892 --> 00:37:09.437
I'm so tired. I'm tired of movie remakes.

780
00:37:09.520 --> 00:37:10.813
Great segue, right?

781
00:37:10.897 --> 00:37:12.690
Like…

782
00:37:12.773 --> 00:37:15.943
why are they remaking everything?
I already saw it. Truly.

783
00:37:16.027 --> 00:37:18.737
Who was that new <i>Lion King </i>for?

784
00:37:21.782 --> 00:37:25.327
What child saw the original
<i>Lion King </i>and was like,

785
00:37:25.410 --> 00:37:29.123
[child voice] "I mean
I get that they're lions, but oh boy,

786
00:37:29.207 --> 00:37:31.917
they were not realistic enough!"

787
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.753
[audience laughs]

788
00:37:35.755 --> 00:37:36.755
Who was it for?

789
00:37:36.838 --> 00:37:38.507
And then Beyoncé was Nala.

790
00:37:38.590 --> 00:37:39.883
Who signed off on that?

791
00:37:40.008 --> 00:37:41.510
[audience laughs]

792
00:37:41.593 --> 00:37:44.180
Who thought that was a good idea?

793
00:37:44.263 --> 00:37:47.015
"Simba, let's go to the watering hole."

794
00:37:47.098 --> 00:37:49.727
[audience laughs and applauds]

795
00:37:55.148 --> 00:37:57.860
Who thought that was a good idea?

796
00:37:57.943 --> 00:38:01.197
And if you don't know
what Beyoncé's speaking voice sounds like,

797
00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:04.242
[mimics Beyoncé] tonight
when you go home, tuck yourself in,

798
00:38:04.325 --> 00:38:06.535
watch a video on YouTube,
and you'll be like,

799
00:38:06.618 --> 00:38:08.870
"Hey, that was a pretty good impression."

800
00:38:08.953 --> 00:38:10.957
[audience laughs]

801
00:38:14.002 --> 00:38:16.795
But my point is Beyoncé is too powerful

802
00:38:16.878 --> 00:38:19.173
to be a secondary character.

803
00:38:19.257 --> 00:38:21.967
If you're remaking
the <i>Lion King </i>with Beyoncé,

804
00:38:22.050 --> 00:38:24.262
let Beyoncé be the Lion King!

805
00:38:24.345 --> 00:38:26.722
[audience cheers]

806
00:38:28.390 --> 00:38:30.642
But it is funny, Simba.

807
00:38:30.727 --> 00:38:32.268
They also…

808
00:38:32.353 --> 00:38:34.188
[audience laughs]

809
00:38:36.565 --> 00:38:38.900
They also remade this movie,
<i>What Women Want?</i>

810
00:38:38.983 --> 00:38:40.610
Do you guys remember that movie?

811
00:38:41.570 --> 00:38:43.405
Okay, if you don't remember it,

812
00:38:43.488 --> 00:38:45.532
it's a movie that starred Mel Gibson.

813
00:38:45.615 --> 00:38:47.410
-He could hear the--
-[woman whoops]

814
00:38:47.493 --> 00:38:49.162
Okay. He could…

815
00:38:49.245 --> 00:38:51.163
[audience laughs]

816
00:38:55.167 --> 00:38:57.587
Woo for Mel Gibson?

817
00:38:58.920 --> 00:39:02.257
Have you been in quarantine
your whole life?

818
00:39:02.340 --> 00:39:05.343
-[audience cheers and claps]
-[Nicole giggles]

819
00:39:07.763 --> 00:39:10.515
Okay. So <i>What Women Want </i>is a movie

820
00:39:10.598 --> 00:39:12.643
that starred Mel Gibson.

821
00:39:12.727 --> 00:39:14.687
He could hear the thoughts of women

822
00:39:14.770 --> 00:39:17.022
and he used that to treat them better.

823
00:39:17.105 --> 00:39:18.398
And then Mel Gibson said,

824
00:39:18.482 --> 00:39:20.025
"This stays in the movie."

825
00:39:20.108 --> 00:39:22.110
[audience laughs]

826
00:39:22.987 --> 00:39:24.155
Got him.

827
00:39:24.238 --> 00:39:26.573
So then…

828
00:39:26.657 --> 00:39:29.202
they remade the movie
with Taraji P. Henson.

829
00:39:29.285 --> 00:39:31.287
And it's called <i>What Men Want.</i>

830
00:39:31.370 --> 00:39:33.247
And I was like, "Huh?"

831
00:39:33.330 --> 00:39:35.332
We already know…

832
00:39:35.415 --> 00:39:36.875
[audience laughs]

833
00:39:36.958 --> 00:39:38.960
…what men want.

834
00:39:39.043 --> 00:39:41.213
What is that movie? What is it?

835
00:39:41.297 --> 00:39:43.632
Is it Taraji walking around,
having a nice day?

836
00:39:43.715 --> 00:39:46.510
She sees a man, she waves, he waves back.

837
00:39:46.593 --> 00:39:48.762
Then she hears his thought
and all it is is,

838
00:39:48.845 --> 00:39:50.597
"I want you to guzzle my cum."

839
00:39:50.680 --> 00:39:52.850
[audience laughs]

840
00:39:55.685 --> 00:39:58.813
What is that movie?

841
00:39:58.897 --> 00:40:01.692
Is it just an hour and a half
of her being afraid?

842
00:40:01.775 --> 00:40:03.235
What is it?

843
00:40:03.318 --> 00:40:05.445
[audience laughs and claps]

844
00:40:08.782 --> 00:40:11.160
It might sound like I hate men.

845
00:40:11.243 --> 00:40:13.162
Hey, hey, hey. I do.

846
00:40:14.122 --> 00:40:15.705
I do.

847
00:40:15.790 --> 00:40:17.458
[audience cheers and claps]

848
00:40:18.708 --> 00:40:23.630
A lot of you gentlemen
are real fucking dumpsters, okay?

849
00:40:23.713 --> 00:40:25.842
But also, I really want a boyfriend.

850
00:40:25.925 --> 00:40:27.552
[giggles]

851
00:40:27.635 --> 00:40:30.428
I just want to like hop in
the dumpster and suck a dick,

852
00:40:30.512 --> 00:40:31.930
you know what I'm saying?

853
00:40:32.013 --> 00:40:33.223
Just get in there and be like…

854
00:40:33.307 --> 00:40:35.267
"Num, num, num, num."

855
00:40:35.350 --> 00:40:37.435
Imagine that's how I suck dick.

856
00:40:37.520 --> 00:40:39.188
[audience laughs]

857
00:40:40.522 --> 00:40:42.692
Like I'm playing the jazz sax.

858
00:40:42.775 --> 00:40:44.777
"Da-da-da-da-ding!"

859
00:40:45.735 --> 00:40:49.072
He's like, "Can you get on your knees?"
I'm like, "Catch me."

860
00:40:49.157 --> 00:40:51.117
[audience laughs]

861
00:40:51.200 --> 00:40:53.035
I'm on the ceiling like <i>Hereditary.</i>

862
00:40:53.618 --> 00:40:56.080
[audience laughs]

863
00:41:05.422 --> 00:41:07.382
I decided in the beginning of this year

864
00:41:07.465 --> 00:41:09.635
to like push myself out of my comfort zone

865
00:41:09.718 --> 00:41:11.345
and try something new like…

866
00:41:11.428 --> 00:41:13.638
anal. No, I'm kidding.

867
00:41:13.722 --> 00:41:15.933
No, I love anal. Lube me up.

868
00:41:16.017 --> 00:41:17.100
But…

869
00:41:17.183 --> 00:41:18.935
[audience laughs]

870
00:41:19.018 --> 00:41:22.690
…what I ended up doing was
I signed up for a twerk class.

871
00:41:22.773 --> 00:41:26.152
And when I got there,
it was me and 11 White women.

872
00:41:27.402 --> 00:41:29.112
And I got there before the teacher

873
00:41:29.197 --> 00:41:32.323
and I have a fat ass and I felt
22 eyes look at me and be like,

874
00:41:32.407 --> 00:41:33.492
"She's here."

875
00:41:33.617 --> 00:41:35.702
[audience laughs]

876
00:41:39.832 --> 00:41:43.127
"She hath risen to teach us to twerketh."

877
00:41:43.210 --> 00:41:45.712
And I told you earlier,
I suck up White women power

878
00:41:45.795 --> 00:41:47.422
and their energy. So I was like…

879
00:41:47.505 --> 00:41:49.048
[sucking in breath]

880
00:41:49.132 --> 00:41:52.720
Woo! It is all for you
barbecue Beckys, you library Lauras.

881
00:41:52.803 --> 00:41:56.223
I'm gonna teach you
how the fuck to do this. Hey!

882
00:41:56.307 --> 00:41:59.560
But then the teacher came
and I was like, "Oh yes, over here."

883
00:41:59.643 --> 00:42:00.978
[audience laughs]

884
00:42:01.062 --> 00:42:03.855
And then the music started.
You guys, I have no rhythm.

885
00:42:03.938 --> 00:42:05.023
Ha!

886
00:42:05.107 --> 00:42:08.902
What a devastating thing
to find out in person.

887
00:42:08.985 --> 00:42:11.405
My ass was a brick. It would not move.

888
00:42:11.488 --> 00:42:14.492
It was like, "I rebuke movement." Truly.

889
00:42:14.575 --> 00:42:17.160
It was fucking useless.
It was like the Liberty bell.

890
00:42:17.243 --> 00:42:19.413
Big with a crack.
People love to look at it,

891
00:42:19.497 --> 00:42:21.665
but fucking useless. I hate Pennsylvania.

892
00:42:21.748 --> 00:42:23.250
[audience laughs and cheers]

893
00:42:28.422 --> 00:42:31.050
There's a metal detector at that bell.

894
00:42:31.133 --> 00:42:33.510
Who the fuck is rolling up
to a bell being like,

895
00:42:33.593 --> 00:42:35.095
"Ding dong, big poppy pop!"

896
00:42:35.178 --> 00:42:37.305
[audience laughs]

897
00:42:44.772 --> 00:42:46.690
And after our class, I was really sad.

898
00:42:46.773 --> 00:42:49.360
I was walking back to my car.
I was like, "Aw, rats.

899
00:42:49.443 --> 00:42:50.818
Ah, dang it."

900
00:42:50.902 --> 00:42:53.613
[groans]

901
00:42:53.697 --> 00:42:54.948
[scoffs]

902
00:42:55.032 --> 00:42:56.283
"I'm a bad Black."

903
00:42:56.367 --> 00:42:57.618
And okay.

904
00:42:57.702 --> 00:43:01.747
That is not a phrase you White people
can leave here with, okay?

905
00:43:01.830 --> 00:43:03.957
But I can say it, I'm a bad Black.

906
00:43:04.040 --> 00:43:07.043
And I was thinking of the other ways
I'm a bad Black.

907
00:43:07.127 --> 00:43:09.087
And I look like I can sing.

908
00:43:09.170 --> 00:43:11.382
[audience laughs]

909
00:43:15.552 --> 00:43:18.472
You're like, "That bitch is soulful."
No, tone deaf.

910
00:43:18.555 --> 00:43:20.057
But, um…

911
00:43:21.017 --> 00:43:22.727
every time I go to karaoke,

912
00:43:22.810 --> 00:43:24.978
people get <i>so </i>excited.

913
00:43:25.062 --> 00:43:26.522
I walk in and they're like,

914
00:43:26.605 --> 00:43:28.482
"Ooh-oh!"

915
00:43:28.565 --> 00:43:31.443
"Ooh, there's a little
Aretha in the house."

916
00:43:33.070 --> 00:43:36.823
"Girl, ooh, it's Jennifer Hudson
before Weight Watchers."

917
00:43:37.742 --> 00:43:39.743
Fuck all of you. That's a perfect joke.

918
00:43:39.827 --> 00:43:41.870
[audience laughs and cheers]

919
00:43:46.917 --> 00:43:48.168
And I know I can't sing.

920
00:43:48.252 --> 00:43:51.255
So I do this a little teaser.
I'm like, "Maybe I will, no I won't.

921
00:43:51.338 --> 00:43:52.923
Maybe I will, no I couldn't.

922
00:43:53.007 --> 00:43:54.508
Maybe I will. I mean, no."

923
00:43:54.592 --> 00:43:57.052
Then I get drunk and I'm like,
"Excuse me."

924
00:43:57.135 --> 00:43:58.845
[audience laughs]

925
00:44:01.057 --> 00:44:02.223
"I'll do it."

926
00:44:02.307 --> 00:44:04.017
So,

927
00:44:04.100 --> 00:44:07.437
I get on stage. I start swaying off beat.

928
00:44:11.192 --> 00:44:12.818
Everyone's like, "She'll get it."

929
00:44:12.902 --> 00:44:14.362
I won't.

930
00:44:14.445 --> 00:44:16.280
[audience laughs]

931
00:44:16.363 --> 00:44:19.073
And then I start singing
and this is me really trying.

932
00:44:19.157 --> 00:44:21.702
<i>♪ Do you believe in love after love? ♪</i>

933
00:44:21.785 --> 00:44:22.912
<i>♪ After love ♪</i>

934
00:44:22.995 --> 00:44:24.455
It's not good, it's bad.

935
00:44:24.538 --> 00:44:26.748
No, Cher would truly
shoot me in the street.

936
00:44:26.832 --> 00:44:28.458
But, uh…

937
00:44:28.542 --> 00:44:30.752
the last time I did karaoke

938
00:44:30.835 --> 00:44:33.213
I sang that song and during a lull,

939
00:44:33.297 --> 00:44:35.298
this man just went, "Painful!"

940
00:44:35.382 --> 00:44:37.425
[audience laughs]

941
00:44:44.223 --> 00:44:46.185
Okay. More about me.

942
00:44:46.268 --> 00:44:48.312
I've said it a 100 times during this set,

943
00:44:48.395 --> 00:44:49.938
but I'm a single woman.

944
00:44:50.022 --> 00:44:52.190
And I was thinking to myself,

945
00:44:52.273 --> 00:44:53.733
"Nicole,

946
00:44:53.817 --> 00:44:56.403
how have you dated anyone
past three dates?

947
00:44:56.487 --> 00:44:59.030
How?"

948
00:44:59.113 --> 00:45:01.992
And I was like, "Oh yeah, I tricked them."

949
00:45:02.075 --> 00:45:03.743
[laughs]

950
00:45:03.827 --> 00:45:06.163
Because men seem
to really love a chill girl.

951
00:45:06.247 --> 00:45:07.247
[giggles]

952
00:45:07.330 --> 00:45:08.998
You know, a girl who's chill.

953
00:45:09.082 --> 00:45:10.125
A chill girl.

954
00:45:10.208 --> 00:45:12.543
And I'm not chill,
I'm fucking crazy, okay?

955
00:45:12.627 --> 00:45:14.378
[audience laughs]

956
00:45:14.463 --> 00:45:16.840
I'll be saying normal things
out loud to a guy

957
00:45:16.923 --> 00:45:20.177
and thinking the most insane things.

958
00:45:20.260 --> 00:45:22.847
Out loud I'm like, "Tee-hee,

959
00:45:22.930 --> 00:45:24.263
yes, you're very funny.

960
00:45:24.347 --> 00:45:26.142
Let's get a drink. Who me?

961
00:45:26.225 --> 00:45:27.642
I love a taco."

962
00:45:27.725 --> 00:45:29.102
And then…

963
00:45:32.230 --> 00:45:34.315
And then I'm thinking insane things like,

964
00:45:34.398 --> 00:45:37.360
"Why does it take you more
than 30 seconds to text me back?"

965
00:45:37.443 --> 00:45:38.862
[cackles]

966
00:45:39.780 --> 00:45:42.698
"Will you ever love me
more than you love your dog?"

967
00:45:42.783 --> 00:45:44.618
[cackles]

968
00:45:44.702 --> 00:45:46.787
"I know it's only been three months,

969
00:45:46.870 --> 00:45:49.457
but if you die,
do I get to go to your funeral?

970
00:45:49.540 --> 00:45:51.750
And is that when
I get to meet your mother?"

971
00:45:51.833 --> 00:45:52.960
[laughs]

972
00:45:58.173 --> 00:45:59.633
That last one's not a joke.

973
00:45:59.717 --> 00:46:00.842
I…

974
00:46:01.885 --> 00:46:04.638
said that out loud to a friend

975
00:46:04.722 --> 00:46:07.515
and she was like,
"Bitch you got to chill."

976
00:46:08.683 --> 00:46:11.228
But I've been observing
you couples out in the wild.

977
00:46:11.353 --> 00:46:13.563
And I think I've figured it out.

978
00:46:13.647 --> 00:46:16.442
You trick them by being chill at first.

979
00:46:16.525 --> 00:46:18.693
And then a couple months in,

980
00:46:18.777 --> 00:46:21.738
you get to be fucking crazy.

981
00:46:21.822 --> 00:46:26.910
Truly, the arguments you people have
in public are fucking bonkers, okay.

982
00:46:26.993 --> 00:46:29.453
And I fucking want in, all right?

983
00:46:29.538 --> 00:46:31.080
[audience laughs]

984
00:46:31.165 --> 00:46:34.292
I want to be in an elevator
with my boyfriend and six victims.

985
00:46:34.375 --> 00:46:35.752
And…

986
00:46:35.835 --> 00:46:37.795
[audience laughs]

987
00:46:38.630 --> 00:46:41.425
…I want to look up at him
as he's taller than me and say,

988
00:46:41.508 --> 00:46:44.302
"Hey, let's have a baby."

989
00:46:44.385 --> 00:46:46.095
[audience laughs]

990
00:46:46.180 --> 00:46:48.515
And he's like,
"Nicole now is not a good time."

991
00:46:48.598 --> 00:46:51.727
And I'm like, "There's never a good time."

992
00:46:51.810 --> 00:46:54.855
I don't even want a baby.
I just want those six people to know

993
00:46:54.938 --> 00:46:56.898
we're gonna talk about this later.

994
00:46:56.982 --> 00:46:59.025
[audience laughs]

995
00:46:59.108 --> 00:47:02.403
I was in a supermarket recently
in the produce section.

996
00:47:02.487 --> 00:47:03.530
Thank you.

997
00:47:03.613 --> 00:47:05.032
And…

998
00:47:06.073 --> 00:47:10.120
there was a couple shopping for apples
and he was nuzzling her neck and she said,

999
00:47:10.203 --> 00:47:11.830
"Tee-hee-hee.

1000
00:47:12.788 --> 00:47:14.667
Tee-hee-hee.

1001
00:47:15.542 --> 00:47:16.543
Tee.

1002
00:47:16.627 --> 00:47:20.297
So, you're a Red Delicious, what am I?"

1003
00:47:20.380 --> 00:47:23.008
And he goes,
"Oh, I don't know, a Granny Smith."

1004
00:47:23.675 --> 00:47:26.470
[audience laughs]

1005
00:47:26.553 --> 00:47:29.472
The way this woman reacted.

1006
00:47:29.557 --> 00:47:31.517
She truly kicked the cart and was like,

1007
00:47:31.600 --> 00:47:34.018
"A Granny Smith?!"

1008
00:47:35.645 --> 00:47:37.730
They probably went home and had hate sex.

1009
00:47:37.813 --> 00:47:39.608
I want in, okay?

1010
00:47:41.067 --> 00:47:42.777
I was at a restaurant recently

1011
00:47:42.860 --> 00:47:45.322
eavesdropping on a couple
trying to scoop secrets,

1012
00:47:45.405 --> 00:47:47.448
and the server came over and said,

1013
00:47:47.532 --> 00:47:50.785
"How's dinner?" and she said,
"Funny story.

1014
00:47:50.868 --> 00:47:54.372
So, when our food came,
I made him switch with me."

1015
00:47:54.455 --> 00:47:59.002
And I was like,
"This bitch stole this man's food."

1016
00:47:59.085 --> 00:48:00.545
There are rules.

1017
00:48:00.628 --> 00:48:02.297
He agreed to go to a restaurant.

1018
00:48:02.380 --> 00:48:04.048
He sat down, he opened the menu.

1019
00:48:04.132 --> 00:48:06.133
He said, "I want that, that came to me."

1020
00:48:06.217 --> 00:48:08.595
And she said, "Nuh-uh."
Do you know what I mean?

1021
00:48:08.678 --> 00:48:11.097
And she probably got
a good deep dicking at home.

1022
00:48:11.180 --> 00:48:12.307
I want in!

1023
00:48:12.390 --> 00:48:14.183
[audience laughs]

1024
00:48:15.685 --> 00:48:18.688
I want to behave poorly in public
and behind closed doors

1025
00:48:18.772 --> 00:48:21.733
he's like, "I tolerate you."
You know what I'm saying?

1026
00:48:21.817 --> 00:48:24.987
I want an exhausted man.
That's what I want.

1027
00:48:25.070 --> 00:48:26.488
I want an exhausted man.

1028
00:48:26.572 --> 00:48:29.700
I want to bring my boyfriend
to a party and go, "That's my boyfriend."

1029
00:48:29.783 --> 00:48:30.992
And he goes… [sobs]

1030
00:48:31.075 --> 00:48:33.370
[audience laughs]

1031
00:48:36.915 --> 00:48:38.375
"I love her."

1032
00:48:38.458 --> 00:48:40.293
[audience laughs]

1033
00:48:40.377 --> 00:48:41.712
I want an exhausted man

1034
00:48:41.795 --> 00:48:44.422
'cause if he's tired, he can't go nowhere!

1035
00:48:44.505 --> 00:48:46.467
I was thinking to myself,

1036
00:48:46.550 --> 00:48:48.802
"How do I get my exhausted man?

1037
00:48:48.885 --> 00:48:50.678
How?"

1038
00:48:53.098 --> 00:48:54.390
And I figured it was like,

1039
00:48:54.473 --> 00:48:56.810
"Okay, I'll meet someone
the old fashioned way,

1040
00:48:56.893 --> 00:48:59.562
I'll get off the apps.
I'll meet them in person at a bar."

1041
00:48:59.647 --> 00:49:01.440
So… I'm in this bar,

1042
00:49:01.523 --> 00:49:02.898
I'm talking to this guy.

1043
00:49:02.983 --> 00:49:05.318
He goes, "Hey, my name's Dave.

1044
00:49:05.402 --> 00:49:07.570
I'm really into books right now."

1045
00:49:08.488 --> 00:49:11.157
[audience laughs]

1046
00:49:12.950 --> 00:49:15.912
So I said, "Okay, Dave, uh,

1047
00:49:15.995 --> 00:49:17.747
what kind of books are you into?"

1048
00:49:17.830 --> 00:49:20.375
And he said, "The ones
that are really descriptive

1049
00:49:20.458 --> 00:49:22.377
and paint a picture in your mind."

1050
00:49:24.170 --> 00:49:25.797
So I said, "So a book?"

1051
00:49:25.880 --> 00:49:27.882
[audience laughs]

1052
00:49:27.965 --> 00:49:29.802
I can't fuck a dummy.

1053
00:49:29.885 --> 00:49:33.680
So I start flirting with
the bartender and he goes,

1054
00:49:33.763 --> 00:49:35.848
"Hey, my name's Benny.

1055
00:49:35.932 --> 00:49:37.975
You know, like 'Benny and the Jets'."

1056
00:49:39.687 --> 00:49:42.938
I was like,
"I've heard the name Benny before.

1057
00:49:43.023 --> 00:49:45.942
I didn't need the qualifier.
Do you know what a book is?"

1058
00:49:46.025 --> 00:49:48.237
He was like, "I do."
I was like, "You'll do."

1059
00:49:48.320 --> 00:49:50.655
So…

1060
00:49:50.738 --> 00:49:52.907
I was staying in the hotel above the bar

1061
00:49:52.990 --> 00:49:54.868
'cause convenience is what? Key.

1062
00:49:54.952 --> 00:49:56.870
So…

1063
00:49:56.953 --> 00:49:58.913
he comes up after his shift,

1064
00:49:58.997 --> 00:50:00.748
he knock-knocks on the door.

1065
00:50:00.832 --> 00:50:05.420
I open the door and he's standing there
holding a bowl of chicken.

1066
00:50:05.503 --> 00:50:07.338
Not a bowl of fried chicken.

1067
00:50:07.422 --> 00:50:11.258
Because that would be
a whole conversation, you know?

1068
00:50:11.342 --> 00:50:15.013
I'd be like, "Benny, I don't know you
well enough for this to be funny."

1069
00:50:15.097 --> 00:50:17.265
[audience laughs]

1070
00:50:24.230 --> 00:50:26.817
But it was a bowl of grilled chicken.

1071
00:50:26.900 --> 00:50:28.735
So I said, "Benny,

1072
00:50:28.818 --> 00:50:31.655
why do you have a bowl
of grilled chicken?"

1073
00:50:31.738 --> 00:50:33.323
And he said, "Protein."

1074
00:50:33.407 --> 00:50:35.117
[audience laughs]

1075
00:50:35.200 --> 00:50:37.410
Which, I mean, is an answer, you know.

1076
00:50:38.578 --> 00:50:41.372
But it was not the answer
I was searching for.

1077
00:50:41.457 --> 00:50:43.958
So I said,
"Benny, put your chicken on the desk.

1078
00:50:44.042 --> 00:50:46.920
You can't put it on the nightstand, no."

1079
00:50:47.003 --> 00:50:49.422
I'd be riding him, being like, "Protein."

1080
00:50:49.505 --> 00:50:51.633
[audience laughs]

1081
00:50:51.717 --> 00:50:53.008
And that's not the protein

1082
00:50:53.093 --> 00:50:54.635
<i>I </i>was searching for.

1083
00:50:54.718 --> 00:50:57.597
[audience laughs]

1084
00:50:57.680 --> 00:50:59.057
So we're hooking up.

1085
00:50:59.140 --> 00:51:00.683
I'm slobbing on that knob.

1086
00:51:00.767 --> 00:51:02.852
I'm sucking his dick and…

1087
00:51:03.853 --> 00:51:07.065
I get him semi-hard and I was like,
"Hey, quick, put it in."

1088
00:51:07.148 --> 00:51:08.900
Because if he puts it in semi-hard

1089
00:51:08.983 --> 00:51:11.402
you can do kegels
to help him stand at attention.

1090
00:51:11.487 --> 00:51:14.072
Also, you feel like a claw machine.

1091
00:51:14.155 --> 00:51:16.992
[audience laughs]

1092
00:51:25.000 --> 00:51:28.170
What a dumb fucking joke.

1093
00:51:28.878 --> 00:51:31.088
So then Benny's on top of me
and I was like,

1094
00:51:31.172 --> 00:51:33.090
"Hey, choke me real quick."

1095
00:51:33.175 --> 00:51:35.218
'Cause I'm an adult and I wanted to cum.

1096
00:51:35.302 --> 00:51:36.512
So…

1097
00:51:38.347 --> 00:51:39.763
Benny says, "Okay."

1098
00:51:39.848 --> 00:51:41.725
And he starts to choke me.

1099
00:51:41.808 --> 00:51:45.478
And I realize he's nowhere inside of me.

1100
00:51:45.562 --> 00:51:49.315
He is just smashing his
semi flaccid dick into my thigh.

1101
00:51:50.233 --> 00:51:52.318
So I looked up at him and I said,

1102
00:51:53.570 --> 00:51:55.113
"But you're just killing me."

1103
00:51:55.197 --> 00:51:58.032
[audience laughs]

1104
00:52:08.877 --> 00:52:12.463
And if you've never seen the face
of a man who's trying to kill you

1105
00:52:12.547 --> 00:52:15.050
who did not intend to try to kill you,

1106
00:52:15.133 --> 00:52:16.635
it's pretty funny.

1107
00:52:17.760 --> 00:52:19.428
So then Benny says, "Flip over."

1108
00:52:19.512 --> 00:52:21.013
And I was like, "Oh, I get it.

1109
00:52:21.097 --> 00:52:23.433
I wouldn't want to look
at my victim either."

1110
00:52:23.517 --> 00:52:25.643
[audience laughs]

1111
00:52:25.727 --> 00:52:29.982
So then Benny's behind me and
he utters a sentence I'll never forget.

1112
00:52:30.065 --> 00:52:31.567
He goes, "Ah, geez.

1113
00:52:31.650 --> 00:52:34.277
It's like a real wet noodle back here."

1114
00:52:34.360 --> 00:52:36.112
[audience laughs]

1115
00:52:44.662 --> 00:52:47.957
A sentence every gal wants to hear.

1116
00:52:49.167 --> 00:52:50.543
So I said, "You know what?

1117
00:52:50.627 --> 00:52:53.463
Noodles go great with chicken,
Benny, you gotta jet."

1118
00:52:53.547 --> 00:52:54.505
So…

1119
00:52:54.588 --> 00:52:56.675
[audience cheers and applauds]

1120
00:53:00.970 --> 00:53:03.097
…I'm back on the apps.

1121
00:53:03.180 --> 00:53:05.017
And I got to say,

1122
00:53:05.142 --> 00:53:08.562
you gentlemen are so poorly behaved.

1123
00:53:08.645 --> 00:53:11.313
I don't understand
why you're still sending dick pics.

1124
00:53:11.397 --> 00:53:13.107
I thought we had an understanding.

1125
00:53:13.190 --> 00:53:14.733
We don't fucking want them.

1126
00:53:14.817 --> 00:53:16.737
Does anyone here still send dick pics?

1127
00:53:16.820 --> 00:53:18.028
[man] Whoo!

1128
00:53:18.112 --> 00:53:20.448
[audience laughs]

1129
00:53:28.790 --> 00:53:31.167
Can I ask you a question?

1130
00:53:31.250 --> 00:53:32.793
Are you a homosexual?

1131
00:53:32.877 --> 00:53:34.128
What gives it away?

1132
00:53:34.212 --> 00:53:36.172
[laughs]

1133
00:53:36.255 --> 00:53:39.675
Well, you're sending it
to people who want it, right?

1134
00:53:39.758 --> 00:53:40.927
With consent.

1135
00:53:41.010 --> 00:53:44.013
Really? You're like,
"Do you consent to looking at my dick?"

1136
00:53:44.097 --> 00:53:45.682
Is that like--

1137
00:53:45.765 --> 00:53:46.892
It's in their profile.

1138
00:53:46.975 --> 00:53:48.058
Really?

1139
00:53:48.142 --> 00:53:51.020
If they accept like
forward pics immediately or not.

1140
00:53:51.103 --> 00:53:52.563
The gays are onto something.

1141
00:53:52.647 --> 00:53:53.982
[audience laughs]

1142
00:53:54.065 --> 00:53:55.275
What the fuck?

1143
00:53:55.358 --> 00:53:57.277
We need that.

1144
00:53:57.360 --> 00:53:59.653
Nobody's ever asked me a goddamn question.

1145
00:53:59.737 --> 00:54:02.448
They're like, "Look at my fucking dick."

1146
00:54:02.532 --> 00:54:04.200
"Here's a mop for reference."

1147
00:54:04.283 --> 00:54:05.952
Like, what the fu--

1148
00:54:06.035 --> 00:54:07.578
[laughs]

1149
00:54:17.922 --> 00:54:19.757
But really, I don't want a dick pic.

1150
00:54:19.840 --> 00:54:21.885
I find them useless, okay?

1151
00:54:21.968 --> 00:54:25.555
They're not helpful. It's like sending
someone IKEA instructions, okay?

1152
00:54:26.932 --> 00:54:30.477
Also, if you've seen four dicks,
you've seen them all.

1153
00:54:30.560 --> 00:54:32.187
Big, tiny, curved, and straight.

1154
00:54:32.270 --> 00:54:33.813
That is it. Four.

1155
00:54:34.897 --> 00:54:37.733
I was in Buffalo, New York,
and this girl screamed at me.

1156
00:54:37.817 --> 00:54:39.527
She said, "What about skinny?"

1157
00:54:39.610 --> 00:54:42.822
And I was like,
"Bitch that's your journey, okay."

1158
00:54:46.075 --> 00:54:48.995
I have never seen a skinny dick.

1159
00:54:49.078 --> 00:54:52.665
What are you out here fucking pencils?
What's wrong with you?

1160
00:54:52.748 --> 00:54:54.625
Is your boyfriend's name Ticonderoga.

1161
00:54:54.708 --> 00:54:56.460
I have never seen…

1162
00:54:58.547 --> 00:55:00.173
a skinny dick.

1163
00:55:00.257 --> 00:55:02.133
And if you didn't get that last joke,

1164
00:55:02.217 --> 00:55:04.052
it was just a more specific pencil.

1165
00:55:04.135 --> 00:55:06.428
[audience laughs and claps]

1166
00:55:07.888 --> 00:55:10.725
But there are four:
big, tiny, curved, and straight.

1167
00:55:10.808 --> 00:55:13.310
And there's variations
to the algorithm.

1168
00:55:16.605 --> 00:55:19.942
So you're gonna have big and straight,
big and curved, big and tiny.

1169
00:55:20.027 --> 00:55:22.112
What a terrible surprise.

1170
00:55:22.195 --> 00:55:24.238
He pulls down his pants and you're like,

1171
00:55:24.322 --> 00:55:26.365
"Ooh baby, he gonna blow my back out."

1172
00:55:26.448 --> 00:55:28.910
And then he's fucking you,
and you're like, "Huh?

1173
00:55:28.993 --> 00:55:30.578
I could be doing my taxes."

1174
00:55:34.165 --> 00:55:36.710
And then there's tiny and straight,
tiny and big.

1175
00:55:36.793 --> 00:55:39.170
What a lovely surprise.

1176
00:55:39.253 --> 00:55:42.007
He pulls down his pants
and you're like, "Ugh whatever."

1177
00:55:42.090 --> 00:55:44.175
Then afterwards you
phone a friend and say,

1178
00:55:44.258 --> 00:55:45.927
"Girl, he bruised my cervix."

1179
00:55:46.010 --> 00:55:47.720
[audience laughs]

1180
00:55:47.803 --> 00:55:50.223
A lot of you are like, "What's a cervix?"

1181
00:55:50.307 --> 00:55:52.017
[audience laughs]

1182
00:55:53.893 --> 00:55:56.103
The worst one though is tiny and curved.

1183
00:55:56.187 --> 00:55:58.565
Ah, yuck! Woof! Ugh!

1184
00:55:59.482 --> 00:56:02.318
Tiny and curved? Ew!

1185
00:56:02.402 --> 00:56:05.780
Oh, gross. That's like fucking
a hanger and that's for later.

1186
00:56:05.863 --> 00:56:08.282
[audience laughs and cheers]

1187
00:56:16.833 --> 00:56:19.835
Yeah, that was an abortion joke!

1188
00:56:19.918 --> 00:56:22.255
[audience cheers]

1189
00:56:23.130 --> 00:56:26.760
That I disguised as a dick joke!

1190
00:56:26.843 --> 00:56:28.928
And I know some of you didn't like it.

1191
00:56:29.012 --> 00:56:30.680
[laughs]

1192
00:56:30.763 --> 00:56:34.350
To you I say, tonight donate to
your local planned parenthood or ACLU.

1193
00:56:34.433 --> 00:56:37.103
[audience cheers and applauds]

1194
00:56:41.648 --> 00:56:43.985
I won't end on an abortion joke

1195
00:56:44.068 --> 00:56:45.653
because I was raised right.

1196
00:56:45.737 --> 00:56:47.530
[audience laughs]

1197
00:56:49.698 --> 00:56:51.910
So I spend a lot of time in airports

1198
00:56:51.993 --> 00:56:53.118
and on airplanes.

1199
00:56:53.202 --> 00:56:55.538
And I don't want
to generalize or stereotype,

1200
00:56:55.622 --> 00:56:58.332
I don't see that for myself.
It's not me. But…

1201
00:56:59.750 --> 00:57:01.920
All male flight attendants are gay.

1202
00:57:02.003 --> 00:57:03.797
All of them.

1203
00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:06.507
Every single last one.

1204
00:57:06.590 --> 00:57:09.885
You're like, "Ooh excuse me,
can I have a pillow?" And they go…

1205
00:57:12.430 --> 00:57:14.890
[audience laughs]

1206
00:57:25.443 --> 00:57:28.153
You're just like, "Excuse me,

1207
00:57:28.237 --> 00:57:30.365
did you just snap at me?"

1208
00:57:31.740 --> 00:57:35.077
It's almost as if someone said to them
when they were a little boy,

1209
00:57:35.162 --> 00:57:38.247
"Baby, you too much for this world,
you got to go to the sky."

1210
00:57:38.330 --> 00:57:40.208
[audience applause]

1211
00:57:51.135 --> 00:57:54.513
So I was on this flight once
and I was wearing a nameplate necklace,

1212
00:57:54.597 --> 00:57:57.308
it says my name, Nicole,
it's only six letters long,

1213
00:57:57.392 --> 00:58:00.018
but it takes up my whole chest.

1214
00:58:00.102 --> 00:58:02.313
My best friend had it made
for me in Brooklyn

1215
00:58:02.397 --> 00:58:05.275
and the jeweler said,
"Are you sure you want it that big?"

1216
00:58:05.358 --> 00:58:08.068
She said,
"Yes, I have a very tacky friend."

1217
00:58:08.152 --> 00:58:10.070
[audience laughs]

1218
00:58:12.448 --> 00:58:14.575
So I was wearing this necklace on a flight

1219
00:58:14.658 --> 00:58:16.285
and the flight attendant says,

1220
00:58:16.368 --> 00:58:17.912
"Oh, well you must be Nicole."

1221
00:58:17.995 --> 00:58:19.663
I said, "Yeah, my necklace."

1222
00:58:19.747 --> 00:58:22.458
He goes, "Yeah, but I also
recognize you from <i>Girl Code</i>

1223
00:58:22.542 --> 00:58:24.168
I think you're very funny."

1224
00:58:24.252 --> 00:58:26.045
And it is always so nice

1225
00:58:26.128 --> 00:58:27.963
when someone says they like your work

1226
00:58:28.047 --> 00:58:30.425
and think you're funny
'cause often you're like,

1227
00:58:30.508 --> 00:58:33.260
"I don't know if anybody likes me
or thinks I'm funny."

1228
00:58:33.343 --> 00:58:35.388
And according to Reddit, they don't.

1229
00:58:35.472 --> 00:58:37.598
[audience laughs]

1230
00:58:37.682 --> 00:58:40.602
So the flight attendant says to me,
"Do you want a drink?"

1231
00:58:40.685 --> 00:58:43.020
I said, "Yes, please.
May I have a vodka soda?"

1232
00:58:43.103 --> 00:58:44.897
And he said, "I got you.

1233
00:58:44.980 --> 00:58:47.025
I've got you. I've got you."

1234
00:58:47.108 --> 00:58:49.277
I was like, "Then go get it."

1235
00:58:49.360 --> 00:58:51.362
[audience laughs]

1236
00:58:54.615 --> 00:58:56.575
What are we doing?

1237
00:58:57.160 --> 00:59:00.580
So he brings me three of those
little airplane bottles of vodka

1238
00:59:00.663 --> 00:59:01.872
and a splash of soda.

1239
00:59:01.957 --> 00:59:03.415
And I said, "Game on."

1240
00:59:04.417 --> 00:59:07.878
So I drink that, he comes back around,
he says, "Do you want another?"

1241
00:59:07.962 --> 00:59:09.380
And I said, "Yes, please."

1242
00:59:10.965 --> 00:59:14.052
So he brings three more Nossa
and I say, "We're doing it."

1243
00:59:14.135 --> 00:59:16.637
[audience laughs]

1244
00:59:16.720 --> 00:59:20.182
So I drink that, he comes back around
and says, "Do you want another?"

1245
00:59:20.267 --> 00:59:22.977
And I said, "I don't know how to say no."

1246
00:59:23.102 --> 00:59:24.895
[audience laughs]

1247
00:59:26.897 --> 00:59:29.525
So he brings me three more.

1248
00:59:29.608 --> 00:59:32.195
If you nice people are counting along,

1249
00:59:32.278 --> 00:59:36.032
that is nine of those
airplane bottles of vodka

1250
00:59:36.115 --> 00:59:38.325
on a four-and-a-half-hour red-eye.

1251
00:59:38.408 --> 00:59:40.412
[audience laughs]

1252
00:59:43.413 --> 00:59:44.915
Everyone is sleeping

1253
00:59:44.998 --> 00:59:46.960
and I'm the drunkest I've ever been.

1254
00:59:47.043 --> 00:59:49.378
[audience laughs and claps]

1255
00:59:50.838 --> 00:59:52.965
I was sitting in my seat and I was like,

1256
00:59:53.048 --> 00:59:55.133
"What if I roll around in the aisle?"

1257
00:59:55.217 --> 00:59:57.970
[audience laughs]

1258
00:59:59.597 --> 01:00:04.893
Imagine I got up to lay down
to roll in the aisle.

1259
01:00:04.977 --> 01:00:07.313
What would that call to Ground Control be?

1260
01:00:07.397 --> 01:00:11.192
"We got to land this plane,
this big Black bitch won't sit down."

1261
01:00:11.275 --> 01:00:12.610
But then I was like,

1262
01:00:12.693 --> 01:00:16.405
[slurs] "I know what I will do.
I will not roll in the aisle,

1263
01:00:16.488 --> 01:00:18.825
I will watch <i>Back to the Future.</i>"

1264
01:00:18.908 --> 01:00:20.785
[audience laughs]

1265
01:00:21.827 --> 01:00:24.413
So I watched <i>Back to the Future</i>

1266
01:00:24.497 --> 01:00:26.582
like I had never seen it before.

1267
01:00:27.500 --> 01:00:30.545
I was knee-slapping and tee-hee-ing.

1268
01:00:31.670 --> 01:00:33.923
I was three inches from the monitor.

1269
01:00:34.007 --> 01:00:35.842
[audience laughs]

1270
01:00:39.845 --> 01:00:40.972
I was like,

1271
01:00:41.055 --> 01:00:43.808
"Marty and Doc's age difference
is pretty wild."

1272
01:00:43.892 --> 01:00:46.060
[audience laughs]

1273
01:00:46.143 --> 01:00:48.395
"And is Lorraine ever okay?"

1274
01:00:48.478 --> 01:00:50.230
And… [laughs]

1275
01:00:50.313 --> 01:00:53.860
And then we land at JFK and it's 7:00 am

1276
01:00:53.943 --> 01:00:55.778
and Shake Shack is open.

1277
01:00:57.613 --> 01:01:00.700
So I say out loud to no one,

1278
01:01:00.783 --> 01:01:02.952
"Jesus loves his little baby."

1279
01:01:03.035 --> 01:01:07.290
[audience laughs and cheers]

1280
01:01:11.835 --> 01:01:15.130
'Cause I thought I'd been blessed. And…

1281
01:01:15.213 --> 01:01:18.843
I stumble up to the counter
and I place my order

1282
01:01:18.927 --> 01:01:20.720
and the guy behind the counter said,

1283
01:01:20.803 --> 01:01:22.263
"Well, you must be Nicole."

1284
01:01:22.347 --> 01:01:25.600
I responded with,
"You know who I am because I'm famous."

1285
01:01:25.683 --> 01:01:28.435
[audience laughs]

1286
01:01:35.443 --> 01:01:37.403
Famous people don't have to do that.

1287
01:01:37.487 --> 01:01:38.822
[audience laughs]

1288
01:01:38.905 --> 01:01:42.158
Also, he could read my necklace.

1289
01:01:42.242 --> 01:01:45.537
So he gives me my food to go.
His choice, not mine.

1290
01:01:45.620 --> 01:01:48.163
[audience laughs]

1291
01:01:48.247 --> 01:01:51.417
And I'm stumbling through JFK
with this bag of food, I was like,

1292
01:01:51.500 --> 01:01:54.128
"Oh my God, I'll go to the bathroom,
I got to pee."

1293
01:01:54.212 --> 01:01:57.590
So I bring my food with me to the bathroom

1294
01:01:57.673 --> 01:01:59.592
and I start peeing.

1295
01:01:59.675 --> 01:02:02.095
You know, let's get real,
I'm taking a shit.

1296
01:02:02.178 --> 01:02:03.805
[audience laughs]

1297
01:02:03.888 --> 01:02:05.598
And as I was shitting, I was like,

1298
01:02:05.682 --> 01:02:08.100
"Ooh, that burger smells so good."

1299
01:02:08.183 --> 01:02:10.060
[audience laughs]

1300
01:02:12.480 --> 01:02:14.315
So I start to eat it.

1301
01:02:14.398 --> 01:02:16.400
[audience laughs]

1302
01:02:16.483 --> 01:02:18.068
I'm single!

1303
01:02:18.152 --> 01:02:20.488
[audience laughs]

1304
01:02:20.572 --> 01:02:22.782
And then I realize what I'm doing

1305
01:02:22.865 --> 01:02:24.700
so I start crying.

1306
01:02:24.783 --> 01:02:26.702
[audience laughs]

1307
01:02:26.785 --> 01:02:31.790
So now I'm crying,
eating a burger, taking a shit.

1308
01:02:31.873 --> 01:02:33.125
And I thought to myself,

1309
01:02:33.208 --> 01:02:36.753
"I know what I'll do to make myself
feel better, I sing myself a song."

1310
01:02:36.878 --> 01:02:39.048
[audience laughs]

1311
01:02:43.427 --> 01:02:48.933
So then I out loud started to sing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

1312
01:02:49.017 --> 01:02:53.603
As I'm crying, eating a burger,
taking a shit.

1313
01:02:53.687 --> 01:02:57.065
And then I look down
and I see a pair of feet.

1314
01:02:57.150 --> 01:03:00.235
[audience laughs]

1315
01:03:00.318 --> 01:03:03.613
And instead of shutting
the whole thing down,

1316
01:03:03.697 --> 01:03:05.700
I knocked on the partition.

1317
01:03:05.783 --> 01:03:07.868
[audience laughs]

1318
01:03:07.952 --> 01:03:11.955
I said, "Excuse me,

1319
01:03:12.038 --> 01:03:13.790
I'm not normally like this."

1320
01:03:13.875 --> 01:03:15.960
[audience laughs]

1321
01:03:20.715 --> 01:03:24.927
And then that woman, being
a normal human adult woman, said nothing.

1322
01:03:25.010 --> 01:03:27.930
[audience laughs]

1323
01:03:31.475 --> 01:03:35.062
And then I realize
this bathroom is filled with women.

1324
01:03:35.145 --> 01:03:37.022
[audience laughs]

1325
01:03:37.105 --> 01:03:40.400
They're all moving very slowly.

1326
01:03:40.483 --> 01:03:44.363
They're like, "I don't know
what the fuck is behind that door.

1327
01:03:45.573 --> 01:03:49.368
No, I don't know what
kind of monster that is.

1328
01:03:49.452 --> 01:03:53.788
Gloria, I will miss my flight
to see whatever the fuck that is!"

1329
01:03:53.873 --> 01:03:56.042
[audience laughs]

1330
01:03:58.752 --> 01:04:01.547
So I said out loud
to Gloria and her friends, I said,

1331
01:04:01.630 --> 01:04:04.717
"Hey, I'm okay."

1332
01:04:07.220 --> 01:04:10.430
And honestly, this last year and a half
has been pretty shitty

1333
01:04:10.513 --> 01:04:12.808
but I think we're all gonna be okay.

1334
01:04:12.892 --> 01:04:15.227
Thank you so much for fucking coming out.

1335
01:04:15.310 --> 01:04:17.062
-[audience applause]
-Truly.

1336
01:04:17.145 --> 01:04:19.440
Thank you so much. Have a good night.

1337
01:04:19.523 --> 01:04:21.775
[audience cheers and applauds]

1338
01:04:21.858 --> 01:04:24.445
[theme music plays]

1339
01:04:32.160 --> 01:04:33.662 line:5%
<i>I need to get fucked.</i>

1340
01:04:41.587 --> 01:04:43.672
<i>I don't need anything, I'm alive!</i>

1341
01:05:11.617 --> 01:05:13.660 line:5%
<i>If you don't give me, what the fuck?</i>

1342
01:05:16.747 --> 01:05:18.540 line:5%
<i>Ooh, I love it!</i>